(KS) TOP 10 THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THANKSGIVING BUT AREN'T: 10. "Reach in and grab the giblets.

" 9. "Whew...that's one terrific spread!" 8. "I am in the mood for a little dark meat!" 7. "Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist." 6. "Talk about a HUGE breast!" 5. "And he forces his way into the end zone!" 4. "She's 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 men to hold her down." 3. "It's Cool Whip time!" 2. "If I don't unbutton my pants, I am going to burst!" and the number one thing that sounds dirty at Thanksgiving but isn't..... 1. "It must be broken 'cause when I push on the tip, nothing squirts out." (KS) What your boss really thinks of you ACTUAL QUOTES FROM FEDERAL EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity. I would not allow this employee to breed. This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap. When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle. This young lady has delusions of adequacy. She set low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts the better. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of a perfect idiot. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching. A room temperature IQ. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on. A prime candidate for natural deselection. One-celled organisms out score her on IQ tests. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it. Fell out of the family tree. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. She is so dense, light bends around her. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. If you give her a penny for her thoughts, you'd get change. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean. It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm. One neuron short of a synapse. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled. Takes him 11/2 hours to watch 60 Minutes. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead. ===============================================================================T TENNESSE XMAS In a small Southern town there was a nativity scene that indicated great skill and talent in its creation. One small feature bothered me though. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a particular passage. Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar.'" (MS) A little old lady walked into the main branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the 3 million dollars that she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. But first, she said that she wished to meet the president of the bank due to the rather large amount of money involved. After looking into the bag and seeing bundles of $1,000.00 dollar bills which could have amounted to $3 million dollars, he called the president's office and saw to it that the old lady met with him. The lady was escorted up stairs and ushered into the president's office. Introductions were made and she stated that she liked to know the people that she did business with on a more personal level. The president then asked her how she came into such a large amount of money "was it inheritance?" he asked. "No," she replied. He was quiet for a minute trying to think where she could have come into $3 million. "I bet" she stated. "You bet!" repeated the president. "As in horses?" "No," she replied, "I bet on people." Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bets different things with people. All of the sudden she said "I'll bet you $25,000.00 that by 10:00 am tomorrow your balls will be square". The bank president figured that she must be off of her rocker and decided to take her up on the bet. He didn't see how he could lose. For the rest of the day he was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances there was $25,000.00 at stake. When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure that everything was OK. There was no difference, he looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the little old lady to come in at 10:00, humming as he went. He knew that this would be a good day, how often do you get handed $25,000.00 for doing nothing? At 10:00 am sharp, the little old lady was escorted into his office. With her was a younger man. When the president inquired as to the purpose for being there, she informed him that he was her lawyer and that she always took him along when there was a large amount of money involved. "Well", she asked, "what about our bet?" "I don't know how to tell you this," he replied, "but I'm the same as I always have been, only $25,000.00 richer!" The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself. The president thought that this was reasonable and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to bend over then she grabbed hold of him. Sure enough everything was fine. The president then looked up and saw her lawyer banging his head against the wall. "What's wrong with him?" the president asked. "Oh him," she replied, "I

bet him $100,000.00 that by 10:00 this morning that I would have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls." (R&C) Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot, "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" the parrot. "Yes", said

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then asked the parrot, "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot", sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot replied, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus." I think Santa Claus is a woman.... I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a "she." Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off! For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag. Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted andstrapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-ike Santa would stop to inspect and tuckpoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas

fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle. Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man: - Men can't pack a bag. - Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet. - Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves. - Men don't answer their mail. - Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly." - Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody else is wearing them. - Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women. - Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment. I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men. Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definitely a guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song," it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is. I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!! 59 Actual Newspaper Headlines (collected by journalists) ================================================== 1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says 2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers 3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted 4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case 5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents 6. Farmer Bill Dies in House 7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms 8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? 9. Stud Tires Out 10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope 11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over 12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again 13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands 14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms 15. Eye Drops off Shelf 16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids 17. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead 18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim 19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66 20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax 21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told 22. Miners Refuse to Work after Death 23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant 24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree 25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies 26. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter 27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years 28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One 29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84 30. War Dims Hope for Peace

31. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While 32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures 33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide 34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge 35. Deer Kill 17,000 36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead 37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge 38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group 39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft 40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks 41. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy 42. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire 43. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply 44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood 45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees 46. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half 47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies 48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing 49. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing 50. Air Head Fired 51. Steals Clock, Faces Time 52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff 53. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni 54. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board 55. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors 56. Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction 57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training 58. Include your Children When Baking Cookies 59. 4-H Girls Win Prizes for Fat Calves 38 Politically correct ways to say someone is stupid! 1. A few clowns short of a circus. 2. A few fries short of a Happy Meal. 3. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity. 4. A few beers short of a six-pack. 5. Dumber than a box of hair. 6. A few peas short of a casserole. 7. Doesn't have all her Corn Flakes in one box. 8. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead. 9. One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl. 10. One taco short of a combination platter. 11. A few feathers short of a whole duck. 12. All foam, no beer. 13. The cheese slid off her cracker. 14. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel. 15. Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt. 16. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear. 17. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel. 18. He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. 19. 20. 21. 22. 23. 24. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools. As smart as bait. Chimney's clogged. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash. Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.

25. Forgot to pay her brain bill. 26. Her sewing machine's out of thread. 27. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels. 28. His belt doesn't go through all the loops. 29. If she had another brain, it would be lonely. 30. Missing a few buttons on his remote control. 31. No grain in the silo. 32. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. 33. Receiver is off the hook. 34. Several nuts short of a full pouch. 35. Skylight leaks a little. 36. Slinky's kinked. 37. Surfing in Nebraska. 38. Too much yardage between the goal posts. On a hot, dusty day a cowboy rode into a small frontier town. After dismounting, he walked behind his horse, lifted it's tail, and kissed it where the sun don't shine. An old man in a rocking chair in front of the general store witnessed the whole thing. "What ya do that fer?" he asked. "Got chapped lips," the cowboy replied. The old man asked, "Does that help?" The cowboy said, "No, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em." Eeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwww One of Microsoft's finest techs was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target. The Microsoft tech looked at his rifle and then at the target again. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area: "It's leaving here just fine. The trouble must be at your end!" What do lawyers use for birth control? * Their personalities. What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? * A tick falls off of you when you die. Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? * To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service. What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in * Not enough sand. What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead middle of the road? * There are skid marks in front of the skunk. What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? * A Doberman. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? sand? lawyer in the

* If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever. What do lawyers and sperm have in common? * One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being. Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? * They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on. > Lawyer's creed: * A man is innocent until proven broke. ======================================================================== What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull? * Lipstick. What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane? * Skeet. What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer? * Chelsea Clinton If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him? * It might be your bicycle. Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? * The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures. It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?) * ...... I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets. A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. "$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?" You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? * You shoot the lawyer. Twice. Do you know what happens when a lawyer takes Viagra? * He gets taller. INSIGHTS INTO MEN AND WOMEN A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money that his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all. Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die. Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage. Newspaper Headlines 1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED. SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS. FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD PART DOG 2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES, 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15 '83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000 STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT -- $15 /hr DO SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR YOUR VALENTINE - HAVE YOUR SEPTIC TANK PUMPED. FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL - 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR DOG FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG. GERMAN SHEPHARD. 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE. FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BTH HOME. NORDIC TRACK $300 - HARDLY USED - CALL CHUBBIE at: FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG...LOOKS LIKE A RAT...BEEN OUT AWHILE...BETTER BE A REWARD. HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER - "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!" GET A LITTLE JOHN - THE TRAVELING URINAL - HOLDS 2 1/2 BOTTLES OF CUTE KITTEN FOR SALE, 2 CENTS OR BEST OFFER WHIRLPOOL BUILT IN OVEN -- FROST FREE! BEER.

AMERICAN FLAG - 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED - $100 KITTENS 8 WEEKS OLD - SEEKING GOOD CHRISTIAN HOME. TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR. EXERCISE EQUIPMENT QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRING - $175. OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB - AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER. JOINING NUDIST COLONY, MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER - $300. How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path. How does a spoiled rich girl change a light bulb? She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment." What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids. What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones. What do the letters D.N.A. stand for? National Dyslexics Association. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick. What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese. What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses. What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand? Quatro sinko. What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor? A pachydermatologist ============================================================================== What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A pool table. What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka. and what kind of lettuce? Iceberg. Where do you find a no legged dog? Right where you left him.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play? They're trying to get away from the noise. From the Dr. Laura Web page - Great Reasons To Be A Guy 1. Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. 2. You know stuff about tanks. 3. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. 4. You can open all your own jars. 5. Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind. 6. You can go to the bathroom without a support group. 7. You don't have to learn to spell a new last name. 8. You can leave the motel bed unmade. 9. You can kill your own food. 10. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. 11. Wedding plans take care of themselves. 12. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. 13. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack. 14. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices. 15. Everything on your face stays its original color. 16. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat. 17. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. 18. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming. 19. Car mechanics tell you the truth. 20. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: 'He must be mad at me.' 21. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character. 22. Wedding dress - $2,000. Tuxedo rental $75 bucks. 23. You don't mooch off other's desserts. 24. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift. 25. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends. 26. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with. 'So, notice anything different?" 27. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors. 28. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. 29. You almost never have strap problems in public. 30. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. =============================================================================== 31. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. 32. You don't have to shave below your neck. 33. At least a few belches are expected and tolerated. 34. Your belly usually hides your big hips. 35. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons. 36. You can 'do' your nails with a pocketknife. 37. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. 38. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes. Subject: And We Let These People Vote??? This is Good!!! Some examples of people challenged by their technology... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Tech Support: "Ma'am, are you "running it under Windows?" Woman: "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Overheard in a computer shop: Customer: "I'd like a mouse pad, please." Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety." Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it....because he needed to keep it. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that go something like this: Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?" Tech Support: "Yeah." Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?" Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named "i386". He started to type it and paused, asking me, "Where's the key for that line thing?" I asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You know, that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark." I replied, "You mean the letter 'i'?" and he said, "Yeah, that's it!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Tech Support: "All right...now double-click on the File Manager icon." Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows - because of the icons. I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons." Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe it was meant to..." Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in icons." Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a file cabinet......is 'little picture' ok?" Customer: [click] ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I was working the help desk. One day one of the computer operators called me and asked if anything "bad" would happen if she dropped coins into the openings of her PC. I asked her if this was something she was thinking of doing. She said, "never mind" and hung up. So I got out my trusty tool kit and paid her a visit. I opened her CPU case and sure enough...there was 40 cents. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Customer: "My computer crashed!" Tech Support: "It crashed?" Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game." Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot.."

Customer: "No, it didn't crash - it crashed." Tech Support: "Huh?" Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. Now it doesn't work." (It turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his spaceship) Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'" Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?" [Tech note: And we let these people drive vehicles ???!!!] ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I worked with an individual who plugged his power strip back into itself and for the life of him could not understand why the computer would not turn on. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Tech Support: "What does the screen say now." Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'." Tech Support: "Well?" Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Overheard at the office: 1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?" 2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?" 1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again and the same thing happened." 2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?" 1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it...so > only the recipient would open it and read it." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ And glimpses of the terminally CHALLENGED: I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries... it's a long walk." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier....and proceeded to make five blank copies. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man in my building had a broken lamp which he wanted to discard. Unfortunately, the power cord ran under his refrigerator, making it impossible to move the lamp while the cord was attached. He decided to cut the cord, since the lamp was unusable anyway. He didn't remember to unplug it first. I found him in the hallway rolling back and forth. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like a prop from the movie "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control....then went in back to make a sandwich. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I rented a movie from Blockbuster. Before the movie begins a message comes on the screen saying, "This movie has been altered to fit your television screen." A person in the room commented: "How do they know what size screen I have?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?" ==============================================================================