ClLy Leadershlp 8esearch ro[ecL 12)$)34%52)3%13

12)$)34%52)36%7("+08+)34%+-0%9:"+)"32/%;)*0%"*%!"#$%
Dan k|nd|on

klndlon, uan, and Mlchael 1hompson, h.u.
8alslng Caln: roLecLlng Lhe LmoLlonal Llfe of 8oys. new ?ork, n?: 8andom Pouse, 2000.

I. 8ackground Info: 8oLh klndlon and 1hompson hold h.u.'s ln chlld psychology. 8oLh
parenL boys, and Lhey each have worked ln prlvaLe pracLlce and exLenslvely ln Lhe school
sysLem.

II. Cverv|ew:
klndlon and 1hompson argue LhaL alLhough boys are born as lovlng and empaLhlc creaLures,
long-held paLLerns of manhood are lmplemenLed when boys are llLLle. 1hese aggresslve,
sLrong-and-sllenL paLLerns have declmaLed male characLer and Lhe ablllLy for boys and men
Lo funcLlon as hollsLlc adulLs. 1hey brand emoLlonal llLeracy as Lhe lacklng componenL of
mosL boys' upbrlnglng, boLh ln Lhe home and Lhe school. 1he premlse ls LhaL Leachlng
empaLhy and emoLlonal awareness Lo boys wlll help Lhem navlgaLe boLh soclal Lrauma as
young people and slgnlflcanL pressure ln Lhelr adulL llfe.

III. uest|ons:
1.) l would recommend chapLer 12 as a slgnlflcanL read. lL wraps up Lhe prevlous 11 chapLers
of research and lnformaLlon conclsely - seems LhaL Lhe reader could walk away wlLh a plan of
acLlon.
2.) 1he auLhors' mosL lmporLanL ldea ls LhaL Lhe lmproper educaLlon of boys has creaLed an
emoLlonal llLeracy vacuum, whlch causes many of Lhe deLrlmenLal behavlors we wlLness ln
males. AddlLlonally, l belleve Lhe auLhors pose LhaL Lhe gender chasm we see ln wesLern
socleLy ls due Lo Lhe lack of emoLlonal lnLlmacy ln males.
3.) Cver Lhe pasL Lwo years, our famlly has worked Lo Leach and use feellng words wlLh our
boys, and Lo offer regular free Llme for communlcaLlon and sharlng wlLh our boys. l chose
Lhls parLlcular book because l flnd Lhe Loplc relevanL and fasclnaLlng. lor me, Lhls ls a
consLanL remlnder Lo respecL my llLLle men, all whlle dolng my besL Lo Leach Lhem empaLhy
and lnLlmacy.

IV. Lva|uat|on:
l flnd urs klndlon and 1hompson's argumenLs ln Lhls book very convlnclng. 1he many case
sLudles and Lherapy models Lhey offer are helpful ln undersLandlng whaL can work wlLh
Lroubled boys, and whaL Lhese boys are Lruly faclng ln Lhelr lnLerlor llfe. Clven Lhe
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publlcaLlon daLe (2000), lL seems many of Lhese concepLs have sLarLed Lo lmplemenL ln our
socleLy. We sLlll have a long way Lo go, buL aL leasL ln cerLaln clrcles lL seems LhaL
clrcumsLances have requlred groups Lo work Loward emoLlonal healLh for men.
1he maln weakness l see ln Lhelr work ls Lhe overload of lnformaLlon wlLhouL much recourse
for Lhe average reader. lL seems LhaL wlLh Lhe vasL amounL of lnformaLlon Lhey presenL, Lhe
acLual answers or soluLlons Lhey provlde for Lhe reader are qulLe slmple ln naLure. lL's sllghLly
overwhelmlng Lo Lhlnk LhaL, glven Lhe slgnlflcance of Lhe presenLed lnformaLlon, Lhe
soluLlons could be so slmple Lo achleve.


V. Cut||ne

Chapter 1) 1he koad not 1aken: turn|ng boys away from the|r |nner ||fe

-Lhe auLhors dlscuss Lhe lengLh of Llme and process lL can Lake Lo undo a llfeLlme of Lhe
"emoLlonal mlseducaLlon" of boys.
-Lhe ways by whlch humans learn emoLlonal llLeracy are dlscussed. 1he premlse ls seL LhaL
very early exposure Lo "Lough male" culLural norms creaLe Lhe Lyplcal male responses of
anger and aggresslon.
-recenL evenLs such as columblne and oLher vlolence sLaLlsLlcs are used Lo prove Lhe lack of
emoLlonal llLeracy ln Loday's boys.
-Lhe auLhors suggesL LhaL male modellng of a rlch emoLlonal verblage and llfe can help creaLe
emoLlonal llLeracy for young boys.
-ur klndlon Lells Lhe sLory of one "pack" of boys and why and how Lhey assume glven culLural
roles wlLhln Lhe group. lL ls apparenL LhaL Lhe boys are unable Lo read emoLlonal cues from
Lhelr peers.
-sLudles are applled LhaL suggesL baby boys are aL leasL equally as emoLlve as baby glrls.
SLudles also show LhaL boys become less ouLwardly emoLlve as Lhey develop. 1he auLhors
feel LhaL slnce boys naLurally process wlLhouL a loL of ouLward slgn, Lhey are labeled as less
emoLlve. 1he premlse ls made LhaL boys are equally lf noL more upseL by sLressors as glrls
buL emoLe very dlfferenLly.

8oy 8lology: no Slmple Answers

-currenL sLudles shows LhaL naLure and nurLure are deeply lnLerLwlned.
-maln developmenLal dlfferences: glrls are hlghly verbal aL an earller age, and boys are more
physlcal.
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-Lhe auLhors debunk boLh maLh and LesLosLerone myLhs as Lhey relaLe Lo Lhe male
populaLlon, LesLosLerone Lends Lo be aL lLs hlghesL as a resulL of an acL of aggresslon, noL
precedlng Lhe acL.
-Lhe cases of Lhe Semol of Malaysla and Lhe PuLLerlLe 8reLhren are offered as aggresslon-free
communlLles: we can choose Lo ralse nonvlolenL boys.
-Lhe culLure dlsLorLs whaL ls besL ln boys - physlcal energy, boldness, curloslLy, acLlon
orlenLaLlon - lnLo a punlshlng and dangerous deflnlLlon of manhood.
-a sLudy LhaL correlaLed rlsky sexual behavlor ln boys Lo Lhelr feellngs abouL 'Lyplcal' male
sLereoLypes ls offered. lL ls shown LhaL Lhls correlaLlon exLends beyond soclal sLaLus or race.
-parenLs begln Lhls Lralnlng early-on ln Lhe home, boLh non-verbal and verbal cues Lo boys
are Loward Loughness, anger, aggresslon and boLLllng whlle cues Lo glrls are LradlLlonally
emoLlve.
-glrls are glven longer explanaLlons when asklng quesLlons abouL emoLlons, boys much
shorLer lf any. MoLhers Lend Lo speculaLe wlLh glrls, buL noL wlLh boys.
-fear, anxleLy and sadness are LreaLed as abnormal for boys, when Lhey are fully wlLhln
normal ranges for expresslon
-parenLs need Lo pracLlce emoLlonal empaLhy and connecLedness wlLh Lhelr boys

Chapter 2.) 1horns Among koses: 1he strugg|e of young boys |n ear|y educat|on

-sLorles are Lold whlch lllusLraLe Lhe female-deslgned classroom seLLlng for young boys
-Leachers also sLruggle wlLh Lhe facL LhaL Lhe sysLem ls seL up wlLh "femlnlne" lmpllcaLlons
--boys' dlfflculLles ln early educaLlon shape Lhem for llfe
-shamlng ls parLlcularly deLrlmenLal Lo boys, regular occurrence ln Lhe school sysLem
-a case sLudy ls used Lo dlsplay Lhe Lrouble wlLh less acLlve classrooms
-Lhe auLhors overvlew Lhe greaL blesslng LhaL ls boys acLlvlLy level, lmpulslvlLy and
exclLemenL Lo aLLempL wlLhouL plannlng
-a case ls made for same-gender educaLlon ln Lhe younger years, and sLudles are used Lo
prove Lhe over-dlagnosls of AuPu.
-boys Lend Lo feel "aLLacked" more readlly LhaL glrls when dlsclpllned for behavlors LhaL are
Lruly "boy" ln naLure
-archeLypes are vlslLed, and Lhe reader ls cauLloned noL Lo leL boys off Lhe hook of
expecLaLlon
-auLhors suggesL LhaL adulLs label resulLs as bad or desLrucLlve, and LhaL we can reLhlnk Lhese
resulLs as normaLlve for boys
-'deflance wlLhln reason' ls suggesLed as an opLlon for deallng wlLh Lhe bold energy of boys,
and afflrmlng Lhelr glfLs.

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Chapter 3.) 1he n|gh Cost of narsh D|sc|p||ne

-faLhers Lyplcally power-sLruggle wlLh boys, whlch leads Lo conLlnued escalaLlon of dlsclpllne
LacLlcs
-boys Lyplcally recelve more severe and longer lasLlng punlshmenLs, lncludlng corporal
punlshmenL, whlch leads Lo lncrease of shame and self-haLred
-eplsodlc memory paLLerns are Lyplcal of boys LhaL have been harshly dlsclpllned (leads Lo
comparLmenLallzlng and paLLerned coplng mechanlsms)
-auLhors suggesL boys need conslsLenL, compasslonaLe llmlLs and dlsclpllne - connecLlng Lhe
emoLlonal LruLh Lo Lhe dlsclpllne acLlon aL all Llmes.

Chapter 4.) 1he Cu|ture of Crue|ty

-boys equaLe weakness wlLh any show of hurL. CruelLy escalaLes as boys learn Lo hlde Lhe
hurL.
-Lo be labeled as femlnlne or havlng female characLerlsLlcs ls Lhe Lop lnsulL
-physlcal slze and sexual drlve plays a ma[or parL ln accepLablllLy
-boys learn Lo qulckly dlsLance Lhemselves from close frlendshlp wlLh anoLher male lf Lhe
ldea ls challenged by Lhe group
-Lhe hlghesL form of cruelLy among boys ls sllence, faLhers allow Lhls Lo play ouL ln Lhe home,
as well.

Chapter S.) Iathers and Sons: A |egacy of d|stance and des|re

-men are burdened abouL Lhelr own faLhers, and Lend noL Lo comforL, console, or
emoLlonally connecL wlLh Lhelr sons
-men reacL negaLlvely Lo boys LhaL are low ln prosoclal behavlors, yelllng and Lalklng down Lo
Lhem. 8oys deeply model Lhelr faLhers, so behavlors Lend Lo be cycllcal ln Lhe relaLlonshlp.
-men use compeLlLlon, crlLlclsm and wlLhdrawal Lo conLrol Lhelr sons. AuLhors encourage
non-compeLlLlve acLlvlLy and play aL all ages Lo reconnecL.

Chapter 6.) Mothers and Sons: A story of connect|on and change

-moLhers Lend Lo pull away from physlcal closeness Lo boys earller Lhan necessary. 1he
auLhors pose LhaL physlcal Louch ls very lmporLanL as a boy grows, as long as lL ls wlLhln Lhe
bounds LhaL Lhe boy deslres.
-boys deeply appreclaLe Lhelr moLhers' conLlnued empaLhy and emoLlve care ln Lhelr llves,
especlally as Lhey begln Lo explore love relaLlonshlps.
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-moLhers musL Lake care Lo noL creaLe mandaLes for Lhelr sons, Lhls conLradlcLs Lhe boy's
need Lo own hls declslons.
-moLhers can mlcromanage from a place a fear, Lhls creaLes anxleLy and passlvlLy on Lhe parL
of growlng boys.
-lnsLlLuLlng paLLerns of glfLlng pracLlcal help Lo boys can help Lhe emoLlonal connecLlon Lo
remaln sLrong. 1he auLhors remlnd moLhers Lo conLlnue Lo dlg for Lhelr boys' hearL as Lhey
enLer adolescence.

Chapter 7.) Ins|de the Iortress of So||tude

-adolescenL boys requesL more sollLude
-Lhey are masklng paln, and may be learnlng or pracLlclng negaLlve coplng mechanlsms Lo
keep paln or people aL bay
-emoLlonal lockdown becomes so slgnlflcanL LhaL boys can'L even declpher whaL Lhey once
felL as emoLlon. 1hey cope and become numb.
-once lsolaLlon ls ln place, aLLack on oLhers becomes commonplace, as boys flnd Lhemselves
on Lhe defense.
-boys musL redlscover LrusL Lo escape Lhe forLress: vehlcles are compasslonaLe and
conslsLenL parenLlng or conslsLenL psychoLherapy.

Chapter 8.) 8oys' Strugg|e w|th Depress|on and Su|c|de

1.) depresslon ofLen masks as anger or deflance
2.) because boys have been LaughL Lo "manage" Lough and complex emoLlons, and can'L:
byproducL ls depresslon
3.) auLhors offer several case sLudles on moderaLely Lo severely depressed boys
4.) boys are hlghly llkely durlng severe depresslon Lo aLLempL sulclde. Among sulclde
survlvors, an aLLempL aL comlng Lo Lerms wlLh sexual ldenLlLy ln a hosLlle envlronmenL ls a
common Lhread.
3.) 8oys use leLhal means more frequenLly Lhan glrls.
6.) uepresslon ln boys Lends Lo "hlde" Lhem, behlnd sadness, anger, desLrucLlveness or
drugs.


Chapter 9.) Dr|nk|ng and Drugs: I||||ng the emot|ona| vo|d

1.) boys are aL greaLer rlsk - PS senlors as much as 2.3 Llmes more llkely Lo Lry drugs Lhan
females
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2.) boys look Lo culLural slgnposLs Lo flgure ouL whaL Lo aLLempL. AdverLlslng, movles and
grown men play a parL.
3.) alcohol sLlmulaLes braln chemlcals LhaL reduce anxleLy, boys flnd rellef and a sense of
power.
4.) drlnklng allows boys LhaL are characLerlsLlcally loners Lo become more soclal, especlally
wlLh females. 1hey are uslng subsLances for emoLlonal comforL and an aLLempL aL heallng.
3.) Lhe reducLlon of emoLlonal maLurlLy and growLh can ofLen be Lraced back Lo Lhe
beglnnlng of subsLance abuse, slnce Lhe subsLance ls replaclng a maLure ablllLy Lo cope.
6.) Lhe culLure promoLes emoLlonal lsolaLlon for men = Lhe abuse of subsLances Lo aLLempL
Lo regaln communlLy or securlLy.

Chapter 10.) komanc|ng the Stone: neartfe|t to heart|ess re|at|ons w|th g|r|s

-boys wanL physlcal Louch or sex, Lhey wanL Lo be manly, and Lhey don'L wanL Lo be hurL or
shamed.
-Lhe lack of emoLlonal llLeracy ls compounded when Lhey 'come of age', Lhls leads Lo lnlLlal
fallures wlLh women (lnablllLy Lo read cues accuraLely, eLc)
-resulL: Lhey qulL Lrylng, or choose sex over lnLlmacy
-adolescenL boys deslre lnLlmacy, lusL and power equally.
-boys early expresslon of self-pleasure and experlenclng sex alone drlves Lhe need for power
once Lhey begln Lo relaLe Lo women sexually.
-Lhe currenL envlronmenL ls more equallzed beLween adolescenL boys and glrls: glrls are
dlsplaylng sexuallLy and power earller Lhan ever before. 1hls convlnces boys LhaL Lhey musL
regaln power even durlng pre-puberLy, slnce Lhe glrls have maLured earller.
-power sLruggles play ouL wlLh early cruel Lalk and behavlor amongsL boys dlrecLed aL Lhe
female gender, or Lo speclflc women. 8oys are consLanLly boLLllng Lhelr deslre for lnLlmacy,
for fear of belng shunned or hurL.
-daLe rape ls a parLlcular lssue, slnce young men don'L have Lhe emoLlonal llLeracy Lo read
women's clear cues.
-boys evenLually, mosL of Lhe Llme, grow up.

Chapter 11.) Anger and V|o|ence

-Lhe greaLesL gender dlfference ls seen ln desLrucLlve behavlor agalnsL people or properLy.
-Cenesls 4:6 shows us LhaL Cod ls offerlng Caln Lhe non-vlolenL approach, Lelllng hlm he can
conquer hls anger wlLh paLlence.
-mosL boy aggresslon ls defenslve, noL offenslve (aL leasL aL Lhe ouLseL wlLh young boys)
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-Lhe culLure Leaches LhaL respecL ls prlmary, so boys are on Lhe lookouL for any posslble
dlsrespecL.
-because boys aren'L Looled Lo undersLand Lhe source of Lhelr anger, Lhey Lend Lo lash ouL aL
a neuLral LargeL (bullylng, spousal abuse)
-aggresslve boys Lend Lo see hosLlle acLlon even ln neuLral or amblguous LerrlLory.
-boys wlLh a lack of verbal ablllLy are Lyplcally more aggresslve.
-we musL encourage young boys Lo "use Lhelr words": Lalklng brlngs Lhe anger Lo Lhe
consclous level, and Lralns boys Lo communlcaLe Lhelr feellngs. 1he momenLs of Lalklng
naLurally dlffuse a poLenLlally aggresslve ouLbursL.

Chapter 12: What 8oys Need

1.) 8oys need permlsslon Lo have a healLhy emoLlonal llfe and vocabulary. We need Lo help
Lhem learn LacLlcs Lo communlcaLe and express whaL ls lnslde.
2.) 8oys need a safe, healLhy place Lo express all of Lhelr physlcal acLlvlLy. 1hey also need us
accepL and appreclaLe Lhls need.
3.) use boys as consulLanLs and problem solvers - ln Lhls way moLhers can bulld and develop
respecL even wlLh young boys.
4.) LmoLlonal courage ls courage - Leach LhaL lL ls Lruly courageous Lo be empaLhlc.
3.) ulsclpllne should bulld characLer and consclence - and should be clear guldance.
SlgnlflcanL dlsclpllne should wane ln laLer years.
6.) Men need Lo model emoLlonal aLLachmenL Lo oLher men (and Lo boys' moLhers!)
7.) 1each boys Lhere are many deflnlLlons of manhood - many ways Lo "be a man".


VII. uotes and Stat|st|cs:
1.) on page 14, Lhe auLhors clLe several sLudles regardlng socleLles wlLh nonvlolenL males.
1hey pose LhaL male aggresslon ls noL lnborn, lLs made. l found Lhese sLudles lnLeresLlng.

2.) ln regards Lo a Leacher who noLlced Lhe value of boLh Lhe boys and glrls ln her classroom:
"ln addlLlon Lo Lhe well-execuLed plannlng and bulldlng by Lhe groups of glrls, she recognlzed
ln Lhe boys a rlsk-Laklng energy and an enLhuslasm LhaL were of real value Lo Lhe class." (30)

3.) ln regards Lo Lhe over-medlcaLlng of young boys for Auu-Lype behavlor: "-Lo medlcaLe
boys, noL [usL Lo make Lhem cllnlcally "beLLer" - buL Lo make Lhem O0++0(%O"#$. 1hey wanL a
boy LhaL makes A's lnsLead of 8's, a boy LhaL can focus on Lhe serlousness of bulldlng hls
fuLure raLher Lhan Lhe frlvolous pursulLs of Lhe afLernoon. 1hey wanL a boy who always
llsLens when he's Lold Lo do someLhlng, a boy who rellably remembers raLher Lhan forgeLs."
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(44)

4.) "lL has been sald LhaL vlolence ls Lhe producL of an exhausLed mlnd, and we flnd LhaL Lo
be Lrue of parenLs and chlldren allke. .boys become emoLlonally exhausLed lf Lhey haven'L
developed Lhe ease of expresslon LhaL allows Lhem Lo share Lhelr feellngs and relleve some
of Lhe fear and lsolaLlon Lhey feel. 1hey can'L "Lalk abouL lL" because Lhey don'L know how.
lnsLead, Lhey venL Lhelr feellngs ln acLlons LhaL serve only Lo furLher aggravaLe Lhe parenL or
Leacher." (61)

3.) "As LheraplsLs, we know Lhe deeper heallng LhaL "uslng words" can accompllsh: even ln
small, lnarLlculaLe doses, Lalklng abouL feellngs releases emoLlonal pressure and weakens Lhe
grlp of anger and hosLlllLy. lf you can geL a boy Lalklng, lL ralses hls anger Lo Lhe consclous
level, and once lL becomes consclous, lL loses some of lLs power." (238)

*noLe: Lhe sLaLlsLlcs and sLudles used ln Lhe book are all annoLaLed ln slgnlflcanL end noLes