HOW TO

START
SMOKING
‘Dr.’ Brian McGee
How To Start Smoking
by
‘Dr.’ Brian McGee
 This book is intended for entertainment only and
should not be used for medical or educational
purposes. Neither the author not the publisher
encourage, condone or promote the use of tobacco
products and bear no responsibility for any harm
that may occur, either directly or indirectly, as a
result of this book.

SMOKING KILLS

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
Marcus, for the many Camels he generously herded my way.
Sarah, for unwittingly inspiring this book.
My family, for unswerving support.
Becky, for impromptu design consultation.

The photographers, not only for taking such wonderful

pictures, but also making them available for use:
Tijmen Van Dobbenburgh (front cover), Aldo Cauchi Savona,
Ben Hammersley, Irith, Johannes Niebler, Uffe Nielsen,
Tomasz G. Sienicki, Haragayato, Stefano Mortallaro, Rainer
Zenz, Spencer Ritenour, Geierunited, Krzysztof Machocki and
Diane Connolly.
All uncredited images are from the author’s private collection.

The moral rights of the author have been asserted.

© Brian McGee 2007

http://www.startsmoking.org

Wayward Press
WAYW001

THIS IS A FREE SAMPLE OF “HOW TO START SMOKING”

BY ‘DR.’ BRIAN McGEE

FEEL FREE TO COPY OR DISTRIBUTE AS YOU SEE FIT.

www.waywardpress.co.uk
 Contents
INTRODUCTION 5
CHAPTER 1 “Why Should I Smoke?” 7
SMOKERS DIE 8
SMOKERS QUIT 10
SMOKERS ARE VICTIMISED 12
SMOKERS ARE STUPID 13
...but none of these matter if you smoke 14
CHAPTER 2 “What Should I Smoke?” 15
Cigarettes 16
Pros and Cons 17
Know Your Brands 18
Brand Loyalty vs. Hot-Swapping 23
The Bootlegger - Friend or Foe? 24
Roll-ups 25
Pros and Cons 26
Know Your Brands 27
Papers 29
Filter, Roach or No? 31
Can’t Roll, Won’t Roll 32
Cigars 33
Pipes 34
CHAPTER 3 “When Should I Smoke?” 35
What’s The Best Age To Start Smoking? 36
Micro Management 37
The First Cigarette Of The Day 41
CHAPTER 4 “How Should I Smoke?” 43
Holding The Cigarette 44
The Snip 45
The Old Lag 46
The Geezer 47
The Wise Monkey 48
Lighting Up 49
 The First Drag 49
Matches 50
The Three-Off-A-Match Rule 52
Disposable Lighters 53
Cheap Refillable Lighters 54
Quality Refillable Lighters 55
Inhaling 58
The Smoker’s Wink 59
Exhaling 60
Nasal Exhalations 61
The Irish Waterfall 62
Smoke Rings 62
Tipping & Stubbing 64
Ashtray Etiquette 66
CHAPTER 5 How To Start Smoking 69
The Brian McGee10-Box Method 72
The First Cigarette 73
The Second Cigarette 76
The Third Cigarette 79
The Fourth Cigarette 81
The Fifth Cigarette 83
The Sixth Cigarette 85
The Seventh Cigarette 88
The Eighth Cigarette 90
The Ninth Cigarette 91
The Tenth Cigarette 93
CHAPTER 7 Keeping Up The Habit 95
Smoker ID 97
Cut-out & Keep 98
Alternative Labelling 101
The Smoker’s Glossary 103
Further Study 105
 INTRODUCTION
Giving up smoking is easy. Trust me, I’ve done it loads
of times. But starting smoking? Well - that’s something
you’re only ever going to do once.
Luckily, you don’t have to do it alone. I’ve written
this book as a helpful guide for all those people who
want to take up the habit, but don’t know where to
begin. Just by reading this introduction, you’re taking
an important first step towards your eventual goal
– embracing smoking as a hobby, pastime and lifestyle
choice.
But before we get to you, I’d like to take a moment to
talk about me. Who is this guy, you’re asking, and what
does he have to tell me about smoking? Well, my first
qualification is that I’ve been a happy smoker for over
twenty years! Ever since my first drag of a Capstan
Full-Strength behind the bike sheds of Marlborough
College, I’ve been enjoying all the benefits of smoking.
I love everything about it: the sense of ceremony,
the communal spirit, the taste, the smell and even
the sound a cigarette makes as it’s being smoked.
Throughout my smoking life, I’ve tried pretty much
everything that the cigarette makers have to offer, from
the sophisticated charm of the Sobranie to the rugged
good humour of Old Holborn roll-ups. And let me tell
you, I’ve enjoyed every puff I’ve had, from the first drag
to the final hit. I’m a complete addict and I make no
apology for it.
As well as being a smoker in my private life, I also
run seminars up and down the country about tobacco
and nicotine-related products, informing people all
about the joys of the noble weed. Now, for those of you
wondering – no, I’m not paid by the tobacco companies
to do this.1 My love of cigarettes is entirely my own and
 How To Start Smoking

nothing makes me happier than to see people’s faces

light up as they enjoy a smooth, satisfying drag on a
fag.
So if you’re looking to become one of us then read
on, and let me take you point-by-point through the
reasons why there’s absolutely no reason for you not
to pick up a ciggie and spark it right away!

Give us a light,

1
Although if there are any tobacco company executives reading this, I wouldn’t be
adverse to a bit of sponsorship for my next book “Cough Up – Why We Should All Pay
More For Cigarettes”.
 CHAPTER 1
“Why Should I Smoke?”
 How To Start Smoking

The simple answer is this:

Because smokers are a dying breed.

Like all hobbies or lifestyles, smoking constantly

requires a new influx of participants to keep it fresh.
What sets smoking apart from line-dancing, or model
railway building is the constant reduction of numbers
intrinsic to the process. There are several factors that
contribute to this decline in the number of smokers, but
let’s deal with the big one first.

SMOKERS DIE
There, we said it. If you were expecting that we’d
somehow shilly-shally around the health risks involved
in smoking, well, you’re wrong. Smoking cigarettes is
bad for your health. It’s been proven that smokers are
massively more at risk from lung cancer, emphysema,
heart disease, respiratory problems, high blood pressure
and many, many more serious health problems that we
don’t have time to go into here. There’s no avoiding
it – smoking will seriously increase your chances of a
premature death. It’s bad for you. It does bad things
to your body. And no matter how much we may enjoy
smoking and no matter great we look while doing it,
there’s one inescapable fact that haunts every smoker:
You can’t smoke when you’re dead.

Harsh, but true.

Chapter 1 - Why Should I Smoke? 

As well as being an individual bummer, the death of a

smoker reduces by one the collective number of people
who smoke. The more people that die from smoking,
the less smokers there are, and as the numbers get
reduced, so too do the rights and freedoms of smokers.
In order to preserve these liberties, it is imperative that
virgin lungs join the fold every day. If people didn’t start
smoking, then it would only be a matter of time before
all the smokers died and there would be no smoking
at all!

And if smoking goes – what’s next? Alcohol? Are all

the pubs going to close down? What about chocolate,
or sex, or sports or any number of other things that
we as adults enjoy as our privilege? Well, I say ‘no
way Jose!’ Somebody’s got to stand up for the cause.
Somebody’s got to make the sacrifice in order to protect
our freedoms. And you know what? I think that you are
that person. That’s right. You.

So, you’re a really important person. The fact that

you’re even thinking about starting smoking elevates
you above your average joe on the street. You’re a
little bit dangerous, a little bit crazy, but you’ve got
principles. You’re willing to fight for a cause, even if
that cause is futile and self-destructive. Pat yourself on
the back. You deserve it.
10 How To Start Smoking

SMOKERS QUIT
Nothing angers me more than an ex-smoker. To think
that somebody could give up this wonderful habit
simply for the minor benefits of greater lung-capacity,
increased life-span and a working sense of smell
simply makes my blood boil. But – hey! – it’s all about
personal choice, right? If I’m going to defend my right
to smoke, then I’ve got to defend another man’s right
not to smoke, don’t I?

BOLLOCKS.

If I do that, then they’ve got me. Non-smokers are

always looking to put one over on smokers and ex-
smokers are the worst. It’s been said before that
there’s no worse zealot than a converted zealot and
that’s more true for smoking than for anything else on
the planet. Born-again Christians, reformed alcoholics
and Communists turned Nazis – not one of them hold
their beliefs with the same conviction as an ex-smoker.
Having given up the habit, they take it upon themselves
to try and inflict self-righteous misery upon those still
enjoying it. It’s not enough that they’ve forsaken the
holy smoke – they seem to think it’s their mission to
spread the gospel of a smoke-free life. Well, two can
play at that game. If it weren’t for the bloody-minded
attitude of ex-smokers, I might not feel so inclined to
drive up and down the country trying to convince people
to either take up the habit for the first time, or begin it
anew. I’ve got my work cut out for me, as every smoker
is bombarded with messages to give up smoking.

Messages? Or orders?
Chapter 1 - Why Should I Smoke? 11

Who exactly benefits from all this anti-smoking

propaganda?

Smug, self-satisfied wankers, that’s who.

Because almost every ex-smoker delights in the

opportunity to look down on those who still partake.
(There are exceptions to this, but in my experience
libertarian ex-smokers are few and far between.)
They’ll either tell you how easy it was giving up, or go
on at length about how hard it was. They’ll run through
the methods – the patches, the gum, the hypnosis
tapes and the badly-written self-help books. And if you
try telling them that smoking is your choice, they’ll go “I
know, but you really should give up.”

Well, fuck ‘em. Smoke just to piss them off. Nothing

defeats their argument more effectively than a fresh
plume of cigarette smoke to the face. And if they do
that irritating, fake “cough-cough” then you have my
permission to stub your cigarette out on their arm.

Firm but fair.

12 How To Start Smoking

SMOKERS ARE
VICTIMISED
It’s true. No other section of the community is as vilified
and ostracised as us smokers. We contribute billions
to the economy through the tax on our cigarettes and
what does the government give us in return? A total
ban on smoking in public places. Well, thank you very
much.

Thanks to the legislation, smokers are now forced to

flee into ghettos if they are to avoid the persecution of
their elected representatives. It’s the first step towards
tyranny and it brings to mind a famous quotation.

“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil

is for good men to do nothing.”
Edmund Burke

You’re a good person. Are you going to do nothing

while a power-crazed government persecutes a
section of the population? Or are you going to join the
fight, stand up for the oppressed and halt the onward
march of dictatorship?

Joining the revolution has never been easier. Just

spark up, breathe in and blow out. Together, we can
fight against the oppressor and stand up for the victims
of discrimination. By smoking cigarettes you’re making
a statement about the common man and speaking up
for those that do not have a voice. Viva la revolucion!
Chapter 1 - Why Should I Smoke? 13

SMOKERS ARE STUPID

It’s true. We must be stupid to continually spend our
money on these things that are so bad for us and
turn us into pariahs. Surely no sensible person would
so wilfully contribute to their own slow-burn suicide.
Whether it’s down to some deep-seated self-loathing,
some desperate urge for self destruction or just plain,
old-fashioned idiocy, we’re all colluding in our own
personal armageddon.

The key word there is personal. You see, the twenty-

first century is a dangerous place, with threats looming
from all sides. We’re being manipulated into a constant
state of fear, whether it’s due to terrorist bombings,
food scares or the impending environmental meltdown.
These days, there is always something to be alarmed
about and the worst part is that all of these things are
so totally out of our control. Our mortality is now based
upon abstract fears of which we have no understanding,
let alone guidance.

Is that how you want to live your life? Don’t you want to
have some kind of influence over your destiny? Well,
cigarettes give you that measure of control, allowing
you to reclaim some say in your fate. By smoking,
you’re saying: I understand the risks and accept
the consequences and by this small measure I am
becoming master of my own destiny.

Not so stupid after all.

14 How To Start Smoking

...but none of these matter

if you smoke
That’s right. All those headings mean nothing if you’ve
got a nice, tasty cigarette in your hands. You see, there
will always be very good reasons not to smoke. I’ve
done my best to show why these negatives are actually
pluses, but in the end the primary reason you should
smoke is this:

Smoking is lovely.

Don’t believe me? Well, aren’t you even a little bit

intrigued as to why smoking produces such fervent
admiration from those who partake in it? Isn’t there just
a tiny iota of your consciousness that wonders what all
the fuss is about?

There is, isn’t there? Go on, you can admit it. Despite
all the health warnings and all the very sensible reasons
not to smoke, there’s a little part of you that’s longing to
become one of us.

I want you to nurture this small seed of curiosity,

pamper it with all the love and attention it deserves.
You know the saying about tiny acorns? Well, we’re
going to take your little tobacco seed and grow it into a
whole plantation of fun.
You can’t stop at just one...
...see what’s in the rest of the book!

What Should I Smoke?

When Should I Smoke?
How Should I Smoke?
Keeping up the habit
& ‘Dr’ McGee’s 10-box
method for novices !

Photo: Geierunited

PLE
Lag’ DG E CA
- ‘The
Old I, the RD
No.3
cour u n d
se la ersigned
“How id ou , hav
t e
forth to Start S in ‘Dr.’ complete
decla m B d

Smoking re m oking” a rian Mc the

yself
to be
nd fr
om
a sm this day
oker.
Gee’
s

thrills SIGN
ATU
RE


DAT
E
 “Giving up smoking is easy. Trust me - I’ve done it
loads of times. But starting smoking? Well, that’s
something you’re only ever going to do once...”

In this entertaining and informative guide, renowned

motivational smoker ‘Dr.’ Brian McGee educates you in a
habit that will alter, enhance and possibly end your life.

Learn the secrets of successful smoking, including:

How, why, what and when to smoke

Expert tips on inhalation, exhalation, lighting up and

stubbing out

The rules of ashtray etiquette

A critical examination of cigarette brands and what

they say about you as a person

And ‘Dr.’ McGee’s 10-Box Method, a comprehensive

course that takes you step by step through your first
packet of cigarettes

So don’t delay - light up today!

About The Author

Brian McGee does not hold a PhD. nor is he licenced
to practise medicine. ‘Dr’. is a nickname given to him
because of his illegible handwriting.