Esquiresept 13

NEW YORK LOS ANGELES MIAMI SAN DIEGO
PROMOTION
BEST CLASS
of
THE A-LIST
BAUMANS MENS SHOP, Little Rock, Arkansas BEECROFT & BULL, Richmond, Virginia; Virginia Beach, Virginia; Charlottesville, Virginia BILLY REID, Florence, Alabama; New York, New York; Dallas, Texas; Houston, Texas; Nashville, Tennessee; Charleston, South Carolina; Atlanta Georgia BRICKS, Wichita, Kansas BURDI CLOTHING, Chicago, IL BUTCH BLUM, Seattle, Washington CAPRA & CAVELLI, Austin, Texas CHOCKEYS, Raleigh, North Carolina CIRCA 2000 FINE MENSWEAR, Plano, Texas CONFEDERACY, Los Angeles, California CUFFS, Chagrin Falls, Ohio DAVIDSONS, Roanoke, Virginia DE CORATO, New York, New York EDWARD ARCHER, Southampton, New York F. CAMALO, Lafayette, Louisiana FORTY FIVE TEN, Dallas, Texas FRANCOS FINE CLOTHIER, Richmond, Virginia GALTRUCCO SHOP, Bal Harbor, Florida GEORGE GREENE, Chicago, Illinois GORSUCH LTD., Vail, Colorado GREAT SCOTT LTD., Jackson, Mississippi GUFFEYS OF ATLANTA, Atlanta, Georgia HADLEIGHS, Dallas, Texas JOE BRAND, Laredo, Texas; McAllen, Texas JOHN CRAIG, Winter Park, Florida KHAKIS MEN CLOTHIER OF CARMEL, Carmel, California LINDSAY ODOM LTD., High Point, North Carolina; Greensboro, North Carolina M.S. MCCLELLAN, Knoxville, Tennessee MALLASADI MENS BOUTIQUE, Dallas, Texas MAUS & HOFFMAN, Fort Lauderdale, Florida; Naples, Florida; Palm Beach, Florida MEL FOX, Encino, California MICHAEL DURU CLOTHIERS, Shrewsbury, New Jersey; New York, New York MR. OOLEYS, Oklahoma City, Oklahoma MR. SID, Newton, Massachusetts
ESQUIRE SALUTES the finest MENS SPECIALTY STORES
in the country
Esquire salutes these stores that stand the test of time.
NICS TOGGERY, Tallahassee, Florida NORTON DITTO, Houston, Texas PAUL SIMON COMPANY, Charlotte, North Carolina PERLIS, New Orleans, Louisiana PETER ELLIOT MENS, New York, New York RALEIGH LIMITED, Indianapolis, Indiana RICHARD BENNETT CLOTHING FOR MEN, Haddonfield, New Jersey ROBERT R. BAILEY, Albuquerque & Santa Fe, New Mexico RON HERMAN, Los Angeles (Melrose location), California; Beverly Hills, California; Brentwood, California; Malibu, California SAM CAVATO, St. Louis, Missouri SEBASTIANS CLOSET, Dallas, Texas THE CLOTHERIE, Phoenix, Arizona THE MANS SHOP, Arlington, Texas THE RED BARN, Rochester, New York THE WEBSTER, Miami Beach, Florida UTAH WOOLEN MILLS, Salt Lake City, Utah WEISS & GOLDRING, Alexandria, Louisiana
THE GOLD STANDARD These stores continuously raise the bar on what it means to be the best in the business.
A. TAGHI, Houston, Texas ANDRISEN MORTON MENS, Denver, Colorado BARNEYS NEW YORK, New York (Madison Avenue location) BERGDORF GOODMAN, New York, New York BOYDS, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania DAVIDE CENCI, New York, New York GARMANY, Red Bank, New Jersey GARYS, Newport Beach, California GENE HILLER, Sausalito, California GODFRYS, Worthington, Ohio; Columbus, Ohio GUY LA FERRERA ITALIAN CLOTHING, Boca Raton, Florida HUBERT WHITE, Minneapolis, Minnesota JAMES DAVIS, Memphis, Tennessee JEFFREY NEW YORK, New York, New York KILGORE TROUT, Cleveland, Ohio LARRIMORS, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania LEVYS, Nashville, Tennessee LAWRENCE COVELL, Denver, Colorado LOUIS BOSTON, Boston, Massachusetts M PENNER, Houston, Texas MALOUFS, Lubbock, Texas MARIOS, Portland, Oregon; Seattle, Washington; Tigard, Oregon MARSHS, Huntington, New York MITCHELLS, Westport, Connecticut OAK HALL, Memphis, Tennessee POCKETS MENSWEAR, Dallas, Texas RICHARDS, Greenwich, Connecticut RODES FOR HIM & FOR HER, Louisville, Kentucky RUBENSTEINS, New Orleans, Louisiana SHAIAS, Birmingham, Alabama SID MASHBURN, Atlanta, Georgia SYD JEROME, Chicago, Illinois STANLEY KORSHAK, Dallas, Texas TAYLOR RICHARDS & CONGER, Charlotte, North Carolina WILKES BASHFORD, San Francisco, California
SHOP ONLINE HUGOBOSS.COM
HUGO BOSS FASHIONS INC. Phone +1 212 940 0600
BURBERRY LONDON
LONDON
C A L L I N G
The best of Britain, together only here.
HANCOCK/HARDY AMIES LONDON
SMYTH & GIBSON/DRAKES
KENT & CURWEN
M O R E ST Y LE , M O R E WAYS
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VOL. 160 S E P T. 2 0 1 3 N O. 2
Paper money wore soft, like a pair of blue jeans, because it was made from blue jeans.
The New HundredDollar Bill and the Making of American Money
UPDATED FOR THE APOCALYPSE. CONSERVATIVE
OF FATHER KNOWS BEST
HE HAS THE REASSURING AUTHORITY
ESQUIRE STYLE
A THREE-PART MANIFESTO
BY C H R I S J ON E S PAG E 1 8 2
ALEX JONES
PAGE 202
JUGGERNAUT
BY JOHN H. RICHARDSON
THIS IS AN ACT OF AGGRESSION ON A GLOBAL SCALE. SOMEBODY CALL THE U.N.

How to embrace new patterns, textures, and colors. 158
FEAR NOT PLAID.

The sport-coat renaissance is upon us. 166
THE KEY TO NOT LOOKING LIKE A SECRETSERVICE AGENT IS...

The new rules for dark suits. 172
EVEN SOFTER TARGET.

Scott Raab on the challenge of protecting the new World Trade Center.
PAG E 14 0
NEW YORK CITY IS A SMALLER WORLD NOW THAN EVER, AND AN
AT THE MOMENT, HES IN SOME MIDDLE GROUND BETWEEN BEING A RECOGNIZABLE THOR AND A HARDWORKING MERE MORTAL.
150
CHRIS HEMSWORTH
BY TOM CHIARELLA
ON THE DECK WITH
NEVERTHELESS, I HAD NEVER
UNFOCUS YOUR EYES.

A GUIDE TO CHILLING THE F**K OUT
PAGE 127
CRACKED AN EGG.
FOUR GREAT WRITERS SHADOW FOUR GREAT CHEFS, THEN TEACH YOU EVERYTHING THEY LEARNED. PAGE 192
{ continued on page 44 } ON THE COVER: CHRIS HEMSWORTH PHOTOGRAPHED EXCLUSIVELY FOR ESQUIRE BY MATTHIAS VRIENS-MCGRATH. SUIT, SHIRT, AND TIE BY GUCCI. PRODUCED BY FRANK ROLLER FOR GLAM PR. GROOMING BY DIANA SCHMIDTKE FOR THE WALL GROUP. PROP STYLING BY NICK FAIELLA.
41
bananarepublic.com 1 888 BRSTYLE
VOL. 160 S E P T. 2 0 1 3 N O. 2
{ continued from page 41 }
BEFORE WE BEGIN, PAGE 62
REGGIE BUSH BREAKS A FINGER IN EVERY GAME. AND HES ALWAYS LIMPING.
K AT I E AS E LTO N S FA N TASY F O OT B A L L P R E V I E W
CALLING A FOUR-DOOR SEDAN A COUPE BECAUSE IT LOOKS AMAZING IS LIKE NAMING A HAM SANDWICH FRANK BECAUSE YOU DRESSED IT UP IN YOUR BEST FRIENDS SHIRT.
134
A THOUSAND WORDS PAGE 122 ESQ&A
THIRD CAR AWARDS

69
ESQUIRES
DESPITE WHAT OBAMAS CRITICS CLAIM, THE SURVEILLANCE PROGRAM IS NOT THE RESULT OF SOME OVERZEALOUS, POWERMAD EXECUTIVE BRANCH. PEOPLE WANT IT.
BY STEPHEN MARCHE
SEX, PAGE 104
GONORRHEA
DOES THIS ALL THE TIME, WHICH IS HOW IT STAYS RELEVANT IN AN INCREASINGLY UNCERTAIN MICROBIAL LANDSCAPE.
HES LORNE SNL MICHAELS, AND IM ANDY DICK IN A BOX SAMBERG.

SCOTT RAAB INTERVIEWS ANDY DICK IN A BOX SAMBERG
MAN AT HIS BEST

HE IS, FROM FIRST TO LAST, VERY SHAKY, WITH A FLAT-FOOT FLOOGIE OF A WALK.
TELEVISION, PAGE 76
YOU DO NOT CARE ABOUT 3-D.

TECH, PAGE 86
STYLE, PAGE 120
PAGE 96
ITS SATURDAY AND I DONT CARE HOW I LOOK, AND I DONT CARE WHAT YOU THINK OF HOW I LOOK, AND I DONT CARE IF I EVER HAVE SEX AGAIN.
LYLE LOVETT NEVER WANTS YOU TO THINK LIKE THIS
IT WAS GOING TO TAKE ME SIX MONTHS AND AS MANY BOTTLES OF VALIUM TO READ IT.
BOOKS, PAGE 90
Were seeing the housing market reconnect to actual valuesand actual needswhich in turn is about to unleash massive forces.
THE PORTFOLIO
BY KEN KURSON
I dont think of the joke and then say it. I say it and then realize what Ive said.
HES AN AMAZING GUY TO WATCH EVEN THOUGH HES A REDSKIN.

NFL PREVIEW, PAGE 84
WOODY ALLEN
INTERVIEWED BY CAL FUSSMAN PAGE 190
A LIVING EMBODIMENT OF WHO WE ARE NOW

COMING NEXT MONTH IN ESQUIRES 80TH ANNIVERSARY ISSUE PAG E 2 1 6
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The seven pilots of the Breitling Jet Team belong to the international elite of aviation professionals. In performing their aerobatic figures at almost 500 mph, flying 7 feet from each other and with accelerations of up to 8Gs, errors are not an option. It is for these masters of audacity and daring exploits that Breitling develops its chronographs: sturdy, functional, ultra high-performance instruments all equipped with movements chronometer-certified by the COSC the highest official benchmark in terms of reliability and precision. Welcome to the Breitling world.
CHRONOMAT 44 FLYING FISH
BEGIN
BEFORE WE
SEPT
2013
HOW WE DRESS NOW:

AN UPDATE
In the March issue, we asked 11 mens style experts to assess the sartorial shift of the previous decade. Six months later, that shift continues at an even greater pace, which we address in detail starting on page 157. But rst, a few words from our impeccably dressed style department on the progress theyve observed since just last season:
(Just Another Day in KickAss City, page 158; The Dark Suit Rises, page 172).
fashion editor: Like blacks.
> RICHARD DORMENT, senior editor: Its sort of fragmented. There are so many different things going on, but thats symptomatic of the overall idea that men are not only investing more in themselves, both in time and money, but also being more open to trying new things.
> NICK SULLIVAN, fashion director: The one thing that

struck us was this very strong division between a modern, contemporary vibe and this funky-but-chilled-out classic vibe. Thats why we did two portfolios this month
> NIC SCREWS, senior associate market editor: One

of the main things is the emphasis on darkness. Thats the biggest thing that came out of this seasons shift.
> WENDELL BROWN, senior
Blacks are kind of back. They hadnt really been in the market, because theres been so much emphasis on color. Now there are more formal colors. The looks are still tailored, but the sensibility is kind of relaxed. Its not stiff. Its still very approachable. > SULLIVAN: The darker mood really denes both the modern, more formal and the classic, more casual takes. For now, everyones able to enjoy dressing up without feeling dressed up. > DORMENT: The whole thing with The Way We Dress Now is this mix between casual and
dressy. Like with shoes. You want shoes that can sort of do both. The black oxford is heavy and serious. Most of us need more versatility. So shoes with a little funky patination, or that are made from a cool leather, or that have some sort of distinctive style have taken hold. > BROWN: Blazers are still big. Theyre not replacing suits. But they coexist. Youre not an either/or anymore. > SULLIVAN: If youre going for that separates look, you start with the jacket. Everything else goes along with it, clashes with it. It has to elevate everything.
CONTINUED
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49
BEFORE WE BEGI N
CONTINUED
CONTEXT-FREE HIGHLIGHT S FROM LETTERS WE WON T BE RUNNING Id like to read 1,000,000 pages in five years! What have you got against nipples? I told you I could not help you until I moved into a nice brand-new
house in a nice place like Moreland Hills, which has a supermarket across the street and many shops only 2,000 feet away. My neck hurts from reading in bed and my wife wont switch sides. I guess he likes the enema better.
> DORMENT: The greater the contrast in texture between your bottom half and your top half, the better your look. So texture in stand-alone blazers is really important. Its how people who design differentiate what theyre doing, through textures and cuts and, for more adventurous souls, patterns. > SULLIVAN: But really, the sport coat as an idea . . . the last time it was was in the late 80s. > DORMENT: When you look at pants, the men of America are all stocked up on jeans. Theyve got it. They understand it. Whats next is this new breed of chino that ts like jeans but is a lot more versatile. > BROWN: Colored khakis have totally caught up to jeans, because they nally got the t right and theyre in every efng shade you could ever imagine. > SCREWS: Fitted, tted, tted. Everyone wants that word. > SULLIVAN: The whole emphasis on t is here to stay. The slim-cut shirt has been a big revolution in America. Thats not so much a trend thing as an education thing. > SCREWS: Dockers totally gured it out with the Alpha Khaki. Gaps also doing a perfect job of that. And its making it affordable. > BROWN: Theres something nice about feeling like youre in jeans but kind of telling the world you take yourself a little more seriously, or that you want to dress up a little bit more. > DORMENT: Weve all coalesced around the sense of what the length should be and whether or not you should have a saggy ass and things like that. Ten years ago, no one thought about it. > SCREWS: Men have just about mastered the basics, and theyre getting comfortable adding their own personal elements. But its in all these small, interesting ways. > SULLIVAN: You can do anything, yeah. And its all relevant, providing the t is nice, the texture is nice, and what you put with it is good. The reason a lot of guys like this moment now is because they have the option to personalize things.
In the June/July issue, we ran a letter from a reader who was disappointed to find out that his second (and last) child would be another girl. Editor-in-chief David Granger, father of two daughters, offered some advice. As did many of you.
Im a longtime subscriber who can throw a tight spiral, peg second base from home plate on my knees, and tie a double Windsor. I also happen to be a girl. Like you, my dad had two girls. Unlike you, he didnt assume that eliminated the possibility of playing sports, fixing cars, getting dirty, or anything else. When I became a catcher at 12, he spent hours tossing pitches and hucking balls into my mask so that I wouldnt be scared. At 16, I asked for a football for Christmas. He taught me how to dig postholes, pour cement, change a tire, play guitar, replace a car battery, and bait a hook. He also taught me about confidence, compassion, integrity, work ethicand when to let an asshole know hes being an asshole. These are lessons every child, boy or girl, needs to learn. Dont let your girls miss out because you lack imagination. KASEY CORDELL Denver, Colo. I am a daughter of a man who was in your position 35 years ago. And while I cannot speak for his thoughts on what you would have considered his impending doom, I can speak for what I experienced. I learned to play catch at age six and gave my sister a black eye in the process. We watched football as often as possibleand still do, although now with PBRs. My dad taught me to snow ski, camp, drive a stick shift, shoot guns, fly-fish, change the oil in my car, sail, and build a wood table. We ski and fish together on our days off, and we drink and cuss when Peyton Manning misses a pass. Stop being miserable and be a good father. Your daughters will succeed beyond your wildest expectations. JESSIY BADER Frisco, Colo. As a father of two grown daughters, I look back on high-pitched screams at pool parties, on ballet rehearsals and shopping trips, and on thousands of Barbie pieces that I would invariably step on in the middle of the night. But I also remember the time they asked me to take them surfing. I remember when my older daughter asked me to fly to England to hike the South Downs Way, and when my younger daughter and I hiked the Camino de Santiago across France and Spain. So to that dad who will miss being an expert on how to tie a tie: Push the limits and let your daughters lead the way. You might be playing catch-up instead of catch. L A R RY S H AW Topanga, Calif. Letters to the editor may be e-mailed to editor@esquire.com. Include your full name and address. Letters may be edited for length and clarity.
LETTERS OF THE MONTH
THINGS WE WONT BE COVERING THIS MONTH

Vaportini, an at-home kit that lets you vaporize and inhale your favorite liquor. ChefsChoices new Sportsman waffle maker, a waffle iron that forms a deer-head crest in your breakfast. Balla Powder, a talc somehow specialized for a mans undercarriage. Minabeas SLS cuff, a metal wrist cuff made of crashed Mercedes-Benz cars. The new Chillsner, basically an iced straw for your beer.
50 E S Q U I R E S E P T E M B E R 2 0 1 3
RED
VIEW NOW PLAYING AT FACEBOOK.COM/RALPHLAURENFRAGRANCES
THE POLO RED FILM
THE NEW MENS FRAGRANCE BY RALPH LAUREN

AVAILABLE AT MACYS AND MACYS.COM
BEFORE WE BEGI N
minded me where the paranoia comes from: If 9/11 could happen, then everything is possible. If everything is possible, then we are required to act on our worries to forestall the next possible catastrophe. Weve all bought into a variant of the worldview expressed in Dick Cheneys famous calculation: If there is a 1 percent chance that we will be attacked, then we must treat it as a certainty. If there is any chance that the most outlandish rumor could happenif, say, someone with an Alex Jonessized megaphone were to equate the infamous government-funded Tuskegee syphilis study from the 1930s with the recent attempt to uoridate the drinking water of Portland, Oregonthen many assume its almost certain. We are a panicked people, willing to believe the worst of everyone and everything. If President Obama is pushing for immigration reform, it must be because he wants to dilute the white vote and assure the Democrats chances in future national elections not because immigration is the lifeblood of our country and always has been. For decades, weve been entertained and titillated by the possibility that big brother actually is pulling the levers of our lives. But now, in the actual world, some of what we imagined in the dark is being revealed to us as reality. We are being tracked and our communications are being monitored. In our name, people who have been neither tried nor convicted are targeted for death or thrown into prison without hope of release. As Rosemary screams when she wakes up in the arms of the devil, This is really happening! Were scared. And nobody but the paranoid is to be trusted. SPECIAL FACULTY NOTE: Tyler Cabot, who has been at Esquire for ten yearsas both articles editor and curator of the ction we runis taking a little vacation. Hes been accepted as a Nieman Journalism Fellow at Harvard. As proud as we are and as certain that he will return with fresh ways to make Esquire better, were also gonna miss him.
Arnold Gingrich (19031976) FOUNDING EDITOR
David Granger
EDITOR IN CHIEF
Peter Griffin
DEPUTY EDITOR EDITORIAL DIRECTOR DESIGN DIRECTOR EDITORIAL PROJECTS EXECUTIVE EDITOR FASHION DIRECTOR DIRECTOR MANAGING EDITOR
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EDITOR, ESQUIRE DIGITAL
Ryan DAgostino, Ross McCammon, Tyler Cabot, Peter Martin

ARTICLES EDITORS
Richard Dorment
SENIOR EDITOR
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ASSOCIATE EDITOR
SENIOR EDITOR, ESQUIRE DIGITAL
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ASSISTANT TO THE EDITOR IN CHIEF ASSISTANT EDITOR, ESQUIRE DIGITAL
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ASSISTANT EDITOR
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ART DIRECTOR
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SENIOR DESIGNER, E-READERS
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DIGITAL IMAGING SPECIALIST
PHOTOGRAPHY Michael Norseng Alison Unterreiner

PHOTO DIRECTOR PHOTO EDITOR
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FA S H I O N Wendell Brown
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A NOTE FROM D AV I D G R A N G E R
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RESEARCH Robert Scheffler

RESEARCH EDITOR
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ASSOCIATE RESEARCH EDITOR
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ASSISTANT RESEARCH EDITOR
EDITOR AT LARGE
W R I T E R S AT L A R G E
Tom Chiarella, Cal Fussman, Chris Jones, Tom Junod, Charles P. Pierce, Scott Raab, John H. Richardson, Mike Sager
THIS MONTH IN NETPAGE

Feeling stressed? You look like you could use a drink, a nap, and a couple hugs. But we have the next best thing, or, actually, maybe the first best thing: meditation sessions. To complement this months special coverage of mindfulness (starting on page 127), Andy Puddicombe, cofounder of Headspace, designed three at-home meditation sessions exclusively for Esquire readers. You can access them by scanning page 132 with your Netpage app, which, if you arent familiar with it already, is a way of turning every page of this magazine into a shareable, saveable, interactive experience. Or go to esquire.com/meditation. But the Netpage way really is more fun.
P H OTO G R A P H BY TAG H I N A D E R Z A D
It used to be a tenet of life in America that anything was possible. It was always said as an expression of our national optimism. We still believe that anything is possible, but lately its warped and become an expression of our profound anxiety and paranoia. But let me back up for a second. This morning, early, I read the nal draft of John H. Richardsons prole of Alex Jones, a man Id previously known only through the vicious tweets of his many detractors. Jones is the premier vendor of conspiracy theories in the country, to the tune of a million visitors to his sites some days. His ravings about the Boston Marathon bombing being a government plot and the U. S. secretly siding with Al Qaeda are both insane and inuential they, as much as the words of any commentator in the country, help shape the discussions of our national affairs. Shortly thereafter, I read Stephen Marches Thousand Words column, about the state of anxiety in which we livehow our country and its popular culture live under a cloud of the awful things that might happen. I learned that the American Psychiatric Association has redened paranoia. You can now ofcially be paranoid and right. And just a few minutes ago, I read the ninth installment of Scott Raabs epic series on the rebuilding at Ground Zero. And it re-
FICTION
Tyler Cabot
CONTRIBUTING EDITORS
Ted Allen, Thomas P.M. Barnett, Colby Buzzell, Andrew Chaikivsky, Luke Dittrich, David Katz, Ken Kurson, Andy Langer, Stephen Marche, Francine Maroukian, Colum McCann, Bucky McMahon, Brian Mockenhaupt, Mary-Louise Parker, Benjamin Percy, Barry Sonnenfeld, Daniel Voll, Stacey Grenrock Woods John Mariani FOOD & TRAVEL CORRESPONDENT David Wondrich DRINKS CORRESPONDENT
Eric C. Goeres GENERAL MANAGER, MENS NETWORK,

HEARST DIGITAL
Jonathan Evans STYLE & GROOMING EDITOR, ESQUIRE.COM Paul Schrodt ONLINE EDITOR, ESQUIRE.COM
E S Q U I R E I N T E R N AT I O N A L E D I T I O N S
Li Xiang China Francisco J. Escobar S. Colombia Jiri Roth Czech Republic Kostas N. Tsitsas Greece Cho Man Wai Hong Kong Dwi Sutarjantono Indonesia Andrey Zharkov Kazakhstan Min Heesik Korea Manuel Martnez Torres Latin America Sam Coleman Malaysia Jeremy Lawrence Middle East Arno Kantelberg Netherlands Erwin Romulo Philippines Radu Coman Romania Dmitry Golubovsky Russia Sam Coleman Singapore Andrs Rodriguez Spain Steve Chen Taiwan Panu Burusratanapant Thailand Okan Can Yantir Turkey Alexey Tarasov Ukraine Alex Bilmes United Kingdom Nguyen Thanh Nhan Vietnam EDITORS IN CHIEF Duncan Edwards PRESIDENT AND CEO Simon Horne SENIOR VICE-PRESIDENT, CFO, AND GENERAL MANAGER Gautam Ranji SENIOR VICE-PRESIDENT, DIRECTOR OF LICENSING AND BUSINESS DEVELOPMENT Kim St. Clair Bodden SENIOR VICE-PRESIDENT/EDITORIAL DIRECTOR, HEARST INTERNATIONAL EDITIONS Astrid O. Bertoncini EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, EDITORIAL Peter Yates CREATIVE DIRECTOR Tony Gervino EXECUTIVE EDITOR
Kristen Ingersoll FASHION AND ENTERTAINMENT DIRECTOR Luis Veronese SENIOR INTERNATIONAL EDITIONS EDITOR
BEFORE WE BEGI N
EL SE W HE
A DVO CAT E O F T H E M O N T H I am a woman in my late 20s, and since high school, Esquire has been the only magazine Ive read. Just today, at the dentist office and a restaurant, I was
asked four separate times why I read Esquire. What fun to expound on the joys of such an engaging magazine. Lauren Ross, Columbus, Ohio
RE IN TH E C U LT U RE
Notable occurrences that, interested or not, you should at least be aware of. August 23
In case you missed Olivia Wilde and New Girl s Jake Johnson in the sad and funny Drinking Buddies last month on iTunes, the movie makes its theatrical debut.
TRUNK CLUB
SEVEN STYLE ESSENTIALS MADE JUST FOR ESQUIRE. AND YOU.
1
THE ESQUIRE
September 2
Labor Day!
September 3
Hesitation Marks, the first Nine Inch Nails album in five years, is released.
September 5
The NFL season kicks off. Baltimore versus Denver, 8:30 P . M . EST.
5 3 4 6
September 8
But this year, Carrie Underwood sings that silly NBC Sunday Night Football song instead of Faith Hill.
September 8
Boardwalk Empire returns.
September 24
Tight-pantsed southern rockers Kings of Leon release a new album, Mechanical Bull.
This fall, we partnered with online personal-shopping company Trunk Club and seven of our favorite designers and brands to bring you seven new essentials for your wardrobe items that fit, feel, and flatter just as a mans clothes should. Trunk Club will send them to you to try on for free. You pay only if you keep them. For more information, go to trunkclub. com/esquire. [1] THE BESPOKEN DRESS SHIRT: This slim-cut dress shirt is inspired by a vintage cloth plucked straight from the archives of famed British shirt maker Turnbull & Asser, then stitched by hand in the T&A workshops. [2] THE AG COTTON CHINOS: While most jeans are made of twill weaves, these pants are made of a spongier and stretchier blend of cotton
and elastane. They feel great and fit better. [3] THE GANT RUGGER CASUAL SHIRT: Before it even leaves the factory, this shirt is washed and tumbled so that it feels lived in and loved before youve even put it on. [4] THE BARBOUR QUILTED VEST: This vest has all the rugged utility and warmth youd expect from a brand that outfit-
ted Steve McQueen in his iconic motorcycle jackets, and its bold oxblood color and detailing distinguish it from everyday outerwear. [5] THE L.B.M. 1911 UNLINED BLAZER: Prewashed, slightly crumpled, moldable, foldable, and worn well with everything from plain white T-shirts to brightly colored button-downs. [6] THE BILLY REID PEACOAT: Reid slimmed the traditional silhouette, narrowed the armholes, and created a trimmer, more tailored structure. [7] THE VINCE SWEATER: A cable-knit shawl-collar wool sweater in an all-purpose shade of gray that works as well for a weekend outdoors as it does for a day at the (somewhat laidback) office.
September 27
Ben Affleck plays a gambling kingpin and Justin Timberlake a math genius (?!) in the new actionthriller Runner Runner.
September 30
And in case Runner Runner doesnt satisfy your jonesing for J. T., The 20/20 Experience: 2 of 2 comes out.
You can even buy our special Trunk Club collection right now if you want. Just scan here with Netpage.
800-457-TODS
BEFORE WE BEGI N
A F E W O F YO U R N E W FAV O R I T E N U M B E R S 105, 692, 149, 1149, 145, 495, 61, 136, 288, 191. There are more, but we got bored entering
random ZIP codes at tv.esquire.com/channelfinder. The Esquire Network launches September 23. You should probably memorize your local channel number now.
Jack Essig
Marcia Kline
SENIOR VICE-PRESIDENT, PUBLISHING DIRECTOR & CHIEF REVENUE OFFICER ASSOCIATE PUBLISHER/ADVERTISING
PREVIOUSLY ON
NEXT MONTH MARKS ESQUIRES 80TH ANNIVERSARY. A BRIEF HISTORY IN CASE YOURE JOINING US LATE.
OCTOBER 1933: Editor Arnold Gingrich introduces the first issue of Esquire, with stories by Ernest Hemingway, John Dos Passos, Dashiell Hammett, and former heavyweight champ Gene Tunney. AUGUST 1936: To settle an advance, Hemingway publishes The Snows of Kilimanjaro. Hed already used the money for a down payment on his boat, which he later stocked with machine guns to hunt Nazi subs in the Gulf of Mexico. OCTOBER 1945: J.D. Salinger introduces the character Holden Caulfield in his second short story for Esquire, This Sandwich Has No Mayonnaise. NOVEMBER 1958: Esquire publishes Truman Capotes novella Breakfast at Tiffanys after it is rejected by Harpers Bazaar because of phrases like bulldyke and Holly Golightlys chosen profession.
Jill Meenaghan
ASSOCIATE PUBLISHER/GROUP MARKETING DIRECTOR
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BEFORE WE BEGI N
ONE MORE FOOTBALL PREVIEW

The Legends Football Leagues underdressed women test the durability of breast implants in the playoffs and Legends Cup. A pretty team wins.
THE UPDATE
In our September 2006 issue, writer-at-large Tom Junod told the story of Sal and Mabel Mangano, owners of St. Ritas nursing home in New Orleans (The Loved Ones). A year after Katrina, the Manganos were the only people being officially blamed for anything related to the storm. They were eviscerated by the media and prosecuted by the state for allegedly ignoring an order to evacuate, resulting in the death of 35 St. Ritas residents. Their lawyer, Jim Cobb, whom Junod profiled extensively in his story, has a new book, Flood of Lies (Pelican Publishing, $25), which picks up where Junods feature ends. Cobb tells the story not only of the trial but also of his own familys struggles as they attempted to rebuild after Katrina.
NFL FANTASY PREVIEW

Its hard to think about the return of actual foot-
THE 2013
ball without also thinking of the return of fantasy football. So to complement this months NFL preview, courtesy of Alyssa Milano (page 84), we asked actress and fantasy acionado Katie Aselton for some advice. In the last three years playing in her work league, shes won once and never come in last. That league happens to be made up of the cast and crew of FXs juvenile and fantastic series The League (returning September 3 at 10:30 P.M. EST and PST), which, as far as were concerned, makes her an expert. Although she did recommend taking a defense in the fth round, so maybe that trust is slightly misplaced. Still, her suggestions:
> IN THE FIRST ROUND Everyone always says running back, but with [the move toward] running back by committee, I think you should grab a quarterback. Lock in someone great, like Aaron Rodgers. Theyre going to make fun of you initially, but when Rodgers is putting up 40 points a game halfway through the season, itll be your turn to laugh. > IN THE FOLLOWING ROUNDS Next, Id go running back. Two running backs, a wide receiver, and then maybe a good defense. > THE MOST OVERRATED PLAYER Tom Brady. He gets most of his attention because hes so beautiful. And because he wears Uggs. I dont think hes the player he used to be. > THE SECOND-MOST OVERRATED PLAYER Reggie Bush breaks a nger in every game. And hes always limping. Hes the whiniest player in the league. Every year people draft him and then theyre like, I dont understand why hes not playing. Well, its cause hes kind of a wimp. Dont tell him I said that. > ROOKIES TO WATCH OUT FOR Ive heard good things about Giovani Bernard in Cincinnati. Also, Jeff Schaffer, the head of the show, really likes LeVeon Bell in Pittsburgh. Hes always either really right or really wrong about these things. > OUTSIDE FACTORS TO CONSIDER I dont let my moral compass guide me in fantasy. Or what I have of a moral compass. I love that the Saints paid their players to knock people down and hurt them. Im not asking these people to raise my children. > THE TROPHY Make sure your league has a trophy. It gives you something to strive for. You also need a trophy for losers. Because when you win and get a trophy, only the winner is happy. But when you give a trophy to the loser, everyone, or at least everyone else, is happy. A S TOLD TO A LEXA N DR A ENGLE R
COLORFUL BASEBALL EQUIPMENT ISNT ALWAYS SILLY

I dont expect to agree with all of your sartorial recommendations, but your endorsement of Coachs color-block baseball glove and dip-dyed bat is an unconscionable misstep (Style, August). Im a peace-loving guy, but Id be tempted to beat up anyone who showed up at a summer pickup game sporting a ridiculous blue glove or a bright-red bat.
THE VISUAL ARGUMENT:
D AV I D M E A D V I N Brooklyn, N.Y.
There are occasional exceptions. Editors
Like Katie Aselton? Dont know what The League is? Scan here to watch a clip from the show.
Willie Nelson, Lukas Nelson & Micah Nelson Photographed by Danny Clinch, Des Moines IA 2013
V I E W T H E F I L M A T J O H N VA RVA T O S . C O M
Willie Nelson Photographed by Danny Clinch, Des Moines IA 2013
Willie Nelson Photographed by Danny Clinch, Des Moines IA 2013
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SEPTEMBER 2013
ANDY SAMBERG
SCOTT TALKS TO THE COMEDIAN ACTOR ABOUT HIS HAIR, HIS CHIN, PATTON OSWALT, MEL BROOKS, AND HAPPINESS
Lunch, Cafe Cluny, Greenwich Village, New York.
SCOTT RA
AB
SCOTT RAAB: Im a little worried because the last time I was here, I was with Philip Seymour Hoffman and within six months he was in rehab.1 ANDY SAMBERG: Oh, no. Was it you? SR: I cant rule it out. AS: Oy yoy yoy.2 SR: Were you ever bar mitzvahed? AS: No. My father says he regrets me not doing it. When I was younger, it was a choice between getting bar mitzvahed or playing soccer. And he was the coach of the soccer team. SR: I dont understand the choice. AS: Saturdays. SR: You have a bris?3 AS: I remember it fondly. SR: Any tattoos? AS: No. SR: Planning any tattoos? AS: No plans. SR: Have you set a date for the wedding? AS: Yes, but I will not tell anyone. SR: How deeply involved are you in the planning? AS: Involved enoughIm concerned with the food and the happiness of the guests. SR: Youre not devil-may-care about this. AS: I think you gotta embrace it a little bit. SR: People talk about your puppyish appeal. But its not puppyish.
CONTINUED
FOOTNOTES!
ILLUMINATION TO ENHANCE YOUR READING EXPERIENCE
A voluntary tenday stay. 2 Not to be mistaken for
ay-yi-yi. 3 Jewish ceremony for the circumcision of infant
boys that occurs on the eighth day of life.
69
THAT S MY BOY, 2012
Samberg and Joe Lo Truglio as detectives on Brooklyn Nine-Nine.

A N DY SA M B E R G C O N T I N U E D
AS: Thats something I have no idea about. SR: Nor should you. AS: I think its from when I first got hired at SNL and had long hair. SR: Your hair has been on a journey. AS: Seth Meyers4 said it looked like my hair was trying to eat my head. SR: It looked like a hippie mullet. AS: When I was in high school, I was the kid in the 90s who was obsessed with the 70s. I bought a bunch of old reggae and soulfunk records. I was the kid with the record player. I was into Floyd and Zeppelin. Kids called me Dazed and Confused. Then I cut it to how it was when I got hired on SNL. It was that length until about two years ago. SR: The cleft has gone on a journey, too. AS: Has it changed? SR: Its not centered. AS: Its not centered? SR: Im not trying to make you self-conscious. AS: Ive never noticed. SR: I could be wrong, and obviously youve never had the cleft moved. AS: Im not a cleft mover. But the cleft move is a deft move. SR: It worked for Kirk Douglas. AS: Did he move his? SR: Im almost ashamed to bring it up, but I was shocked by the pastiness of your thighs. AS: What? SR: On Brooklyn Nine-Nine. You stand up from your desk and youre not wearing pants. Im going, Wow, Sambergs got a
thick pair of pasty thighs on him. AS: Well, I played a lot of soccer growing up, so I got the thick thighs. SR: The pilot is really good. Im not blowing smoke here. AS: We havent started shooting the rest of the season yet. But the pilot was really fun. The vibe on set was loose. Andre Braugher5 is one of the best actors you can get. SR: He changes the temperature in the room. AS: As soon as he walked on set, Mike Schur and Dan Goor,6
THE MOST SUCCESSFUL
THINGS IVE DONE ALWAYS HAPPEN WHEN IM NOT TRYING TO BE SUCCESSFUL. ITS ALWAYS WHEN YOU THINK, WOULDNT THIS BE FUNNY?
the creators of the show, looked at each other and said, Oh, its going to work. Hes like this rock statue, and Im a poodle yipping in circles around him. SR: But you can act.
AS: Mike Schur [Brooklyn NineNine writer and executive producer] told me that when he saw Celeste and Jesse Forever,7 it made him think of me for this show. He said, I had always found things you did on SNL funny, but after I saw Celeste and Jesse I thought maybe you can act a little bit, too. SR: Im not even sure how to describe what it is you do. AS: So much of my identity has been the songs. SR: My boys 14. Dick in a Box is his Citizen Kane. AS: Thats fantastic. SR: God forbid anything ends today, youll always have Dick in a Box. Its funny every time. AS: I had that conversation once with Lorne Michaels. He says the thing youre known for will be in quotes in the middle of your name. Hes Lorne SNL Michaels, and Im Andy Dick in a Box Samberg. If thats how it goes down, that will be A-okay. SR: You dont strike me as a high-expectations guy. AS: No. SR: Youre a having-fun guy. AS: When I got to audition for SNL, I thought that was going to be the high point of my life that I got to just see the studio. SR: I can understand that. AS: What else is bigger than being on that show? SR: Nothing if youre hoping to be funny in front of a large audience. AS: Even in the interim years, theres still, like, Ben Stiller and Julia Louis-Dreyfus and all these people who are among the biggest stars in the world
of comedy. SR: Charles Rocket, Tim Kazurinsky. Im kidding. AS: Gilbert Gottfrieds there. SR: You ever see him work? AS: Hes incredible. SR: And Im amazed the times Ive seen him, half the people in the room were having a shitty time. What were they expecting, exactly? AS: Theres so many comics who have had these rebirths because of the roasts on Comedy Central. And hes one of them. All of a sudden everyone is thinking, Oh, right. Hes incredible. And hes been doing it so long, and he hasnt blinked. SR: You dont consider yourself a stand-up, right? AS: I did stand-up for about seven years. I stopped as soon as I got SNL. No one ever talks about it because they want me to be the guy who did the videos. SR: Straight from Lonely Island to Americas sweetheart. AS: The Lonely Islandthe fact that we got hired together and made the videos is the reason that we were successful on the show, but I believe I got the job because I did stand-up. I was able to go and do the audition cold and have confidence. So much of stand-up is convincing peoplewithout anything but your energy and your body languagethat youre confident and comfortable. Once theyre relaxed, the jokes are funnier. Thats what makes Chappelle so brilliant. He gets up there, sometimes he wont even tell jokes for long stretches of time, but youre happy to be there with him. Theres no urgency. SR: Do you miss being a stand-up? AS: I never did the road. I never define myself as a stand-up, because I feel like its insulting to stand-ups who have done the road. I did stand-up on television, but it was never my lifestyle.
CONTINUED
Head writer on Saturday Night Live; will take over as host of Late Night in 2014
when Jimmy Fallon leaves to host The Tonight Show. 5 Best known for his role
on Homicide: Life on the Street. 6 Cocreator and executive
producer, respectively, of Parks and Recreation. 7 A comedic drama co-
written by and costarring Rashida Jones as Sambergs ex-wife.
Use Netpage to watch a clip from Brooklyn Nine-Nine.
uggaustralia.com
FOR GAME
CHANGERS
CELESTE AND JESSE

FOREVER, 2012
SNL DIGITAL SHORT JIZZ

IN MY PANTS, 2008
SNL DIGITAL SHORT DICK

IN A BOX, 2006
SNL DIGITAL SHORT

LAZY SUNDAY, 2005
A N DY SA M B E R G C O N T I N U E D
SR: Does making the leap to films from SNL intrude on your consciousness? Youve had Hot Rod,8 but your career is still a work in progress. Theres a range of post-SNL success. Bill Murray on one end, countless other alums on the other end. Will Ferrell somewhere in the middle. Are you conscious of this kind of stuff? AS: I used to think about it more, but look at Martin Short. I just read an article about how hes never really been the star of a hit movie. He never really had a TV show that took off in a big-ratings kind of way. But then Jiminy Glick is one of the funniest characters in comedy history. Theres never been a time where I thought, Martin Shorts not funny. Everyone respects him. And theres a ton of comedians like that, who didnt necessarily have the biggest thing in the world but are considered in the same category
as the people who did. And a lot of people who have the biggest thing in the world, thats kind of it. You do the biggest thing in the world once, and thats it. Where do you go from there? SR: Thats not a career. Its a peak and a sharp fall. AS: Chris Rock has talked about the moment he realized he had a career. Im doing this. Im doing that. Im trying this. Some of its going to work, some of its not. But the consistent thing is me. Im at a really nice place where I feel like Im able to work. If everything fell apart, Ive done enough work where I could still do stand-up at least. SR: I dont know if Chris Rock has found the same kind of home in movies that hes built in stand-up. AS: Chris Rock is so good at stand-up that no matter what else he does, hell be remembered as a stand-up first, because hes one of the best
THE ESQUIRE DOSSIER
DATE OF BIRTH: August 18, 1978 WHICH MAKES HIM: 35 HOMETOWN: Berkeley, California SNL DEBUT: October 1, 2005, as a featured player, with Steve
ANDY SAMBERG
Carell hosting HIS FIRST BIT: A Weekend Update Impression-Off with Bill Hader, in which Samberg just says hes the person hes impersonating followed by Wazzup! (i.e., Im Julia Roberts. The Pretty Woman. Wazzup!) SELF-DESCRIBED WEAKEST COMEDY SKILL: His impressions FIANCE: Joanna Newsom WHO HAPPENS TO BE: An indie-pop harpist and singer-songwriter NUMBER OF LONELY ISLAND RECORDS: ThreeIncredibad (2009), Turtleneck & Chain (2011), and The Wack Album (2013) FELLOW LONELY ISLAND MEMBERS: Jorma Taccone and Akiva Schaffer THEIR SIDE GIGS: Schaffer directed Samberg in his movie debut, Hot Rod, and the 2012 Ben Stiller movie The Watch. Taccone and his bare ass have appeared on HBOs Girls. THE LONELY ISLANDS CHART SUCCESS: The singles Im on a Boat, Jizz in My Pants, and I Just Had Sex were each certified platinum.
stand-ups that ever lived. SR: It must be hard to make the transition when youve achieved that level of mastery. AS: The most successful things Ive done always happen when Im not trying to be successful. Its always when you think, Wouldnt this be funny? Wouldnt this be fun? Wouldnt that be interesting to try? Some of the strangest digital shorts that we made for SNL ended up being things people loved. The ones we thought had all the hallmark things in a hit completely bombed. Its because people can smell it. SR: People say that you made short films a thing on the show. But, no, right out of the gate Albert Brooks did shorts. AS: And then Christopher Guest. And Harry Shearer. He did some of the best things that have ever aired on the show. I saw Synchronized Swimming9 when I was a child and memorized it. And the Eddie Murphy thing where he pretends to be a white guy and walks around? Its one of the funniest things ever. Like theres this whole white-person secret underbelly. Theres a scene with Murphy on the bus and when the last minority gets off the bus, all this music starts playing, and everyone starts drinking champagne, and a waiter comes around with hors doeuvres and shit. Its such a pure idea for a short film. Everything weve done with the short films on the show owes a debt to those. Its all right there. SR: Are you aware of being famous famous? AS: I know I am famous enough that when I go outside, I get recognized a lot. But Ive shot a movie with Adam Sandler. And walked around with him. Id say Im like a long way from that. Me, Akiva, and Jorma10 went to the As stadium a couple of years ago. We got the whole celebrity sneak-in-the-back kind of treatment. We were like, Oh
this is so great. Were coming back to our hometown. Theyll put us on the Jumbotron probably. They snuck us through the back and it was basically empty. And they did not put us on the Jumbotron. SR: Why not? AS: The Bay Area does not give a fuck. SR: Thats probably a good thing. AS: Its good for your ego. It keeps you in check. You go home and your friends are like, Hey, what have you been up to? And youre like, Well, I was on SNL. Oh, cool. I think I heard about that. SR: Theyre not overcompensating? AS: No. Berkeleys great, man. I love going home. But its good to get out and see the other side. SR: The other side is really important. Just for self-definition. AS: Young people always ask you for advice and I always say to get out of your comfort zone. Leave where youre from. Get out and experience more of the world. SR: Do those young people seem to think theres a shortcut or a trick? Im running into a lot of that. They seem to think that somehow theres a trick. AS: I think its still that 10,000 hours thing. SR: I hate Malcolm Gladwell, but I think youre absolutely right. AS: Do you know the soccer player Lionel Messi?11 He was basically born and groomed to be a winner, and it worked. LeBron, too. Serena. SR: They didnt skip the 10,000 hours. AS: Seth Rogen has been doing it since he was a kid. I think hes younger than me, but hes been doing it for an adults entire life already. Eddie Murphy started doing stand-up in his teens. Sandler, too. Those guys were talented and decided early. By the time you hear about them, [continued on page 212]
8 Samberg plays a stuntman in the lm, which is directed by Lonely Island member
Akiva Schaffer. 9 Shearer and Martin Short play men attempting to
bring male synchronized swimming to the Olympics. 10 Jorma Taccone, the third
member of Lonely Island; best known for playing artist Booth Jonathan on Girls.
11
Argentine player whom Diego Maradona described as his successor.
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about a Revolutionary War soldier who wakes up in present-day New York. While the rest may not be as immediately impressive, every showwith the exception of Sean Saves the World, which should replace its planned second episode with a formal apology to those of us who watched the rst onecontains something entirely new for broadcast TV: promise. Even if you dont like it, for once you can see how other people might. PETER MARTIN
THE STATE OF THE TV DAD AND OTHER SURPRISINGLY HOPEFUL ASSESSMENTS
THE FALL TV PREVIEW

inexplicably supported drivellike 2 Broke Girls or The Neighborswell, it was still around, but at least you knew to avoid it. This year looks to be different. If theres anything you can say about the new shows on NBC, ABC, CBS, and Fox as a whole, its that theyre all . . . not bad. In fact, some are downright good, like The Blacklist, NBCs pleasantly convoluted cop procedural that nds a notorious criminal (James Spader) leading a rookie FBI agent (Megan Boone) through as many hoops as it takes to catch their shared enemies. That Boone plays the agent not as a dim and nervous newbie but as a perceptive and occasionally pissed force of her own keeps the weight of the series from falling fully on Spader. And her history, which she learns about as we do, is teased out at a pace rewarding enough to keep you both interested and satised. Other bright spots this season include Andy Sambergs Brooklyn Nine-Nine and Sleepy Hollow, the ludicrous but somehow charming drama
MAGGIE LAWSON Terry Gannon on Back in the Game (ABC) As a mother who uses Little League baseball to connect with her son and estranged father.
THE NEW ARCHETYPE
THE DISABLED DAD

ou cant laugh at Stevie Wonder. You can laugh only at Stevie Wonder jokes. But Stevie Wonder jokes are funny only if Stevie Wonder is in on them. This exercise in the tautology of disability comedy is worth keeping in mind when you watch The Michael J. Fox Show. It stars Michael J. Fox, returning to television after a retirement occasioned by his Parkinsons disease, as Mike Henry, a television news anchor returning to television after a retirement occasioned by his Parkinsons disease. He does not spare us his symptomshe is, from rst to last, very shaky, with a at-foot oogie of a walk and a way of mugging at the camera that makes him C O N T I N U E D
AMANDA SETTON Lauren Slotsky on The Crazy Ones (CBS) As an employee at an ad agency run by Robin Williams.
THE BIGGEST SURPRISE
THE NETWORKS JUST MIGHT BE GOOD AGAIN

or the last few years, you were smart to avoid new broadcast TV shows until at least November. By then, the blatantly ridiculous (How to Be a Gentleman) had been canceled. The disappointingly mediocre (The Mindy Project) had had time to shake off the burden of expectation and turn into something surprisingly watchable. And
A FEW NEW FACES
I L LU ST R AT I O N BY A N DY F R I E D M A N
TV PREVIEW CONTINUED
look eerily like Charlie Sheen coming off a bender. If an abled actor were playing the Michael J. Fox character, wed question his taste and implore him to turn it down a little bit. But Michael J. Fox is playing the Michael J. Fox character, and he is, from rst to last, in on the joke. Indeed, everybody is in on the joke on The Michael J. Fox Show thats the joke. It is, in the way of all television comedy these days, from New Girl to Good Luck Charlie, relentlessly self-aware, with jokes about Foxs shakes and jokes about Foxs height and cheap jokes wrung out of what must be an ever-present temptation to indulge in cheap sentiment. The two funniest characters on the pilot are the news director, who is aware that he is luring Michael J. Fox back to television in order to indulge in cheap sentiment, and Matt Lauer, who is so aware of his reputation as an asshole and a player that he plays himself as someone unaware of his reputation as an asshole and a player. The Michael J. Fox Show is very fast and pretty funny, and for evidence that it is funnier than it could possibly be if it featured a nonhandicapped actor in the handicapped role, consider the fate of NBCs other foray into disability comedy, Growing Up Fisher, formerly The Family Guide. On The Michael J. Fox Show, Mike Henrys preternaturally smart and self-aware adolescent daughter goes for a cheap A in her English class by making a video of her father so indulgent of cheap sentiment that it serves as yet another of the shows inoculations against cheap sentiment. Well, extend that video to 22 minutes and you get Growing Up Fisher. On it the reliable character actor J. K. Simmons takes an able turn as a lovable dad who is also, well, blind, but since he has to use all his ability to play a blind man instead of a funny one, he violates the Stevie Wonder Rule: Hes not in on the joke, so the jokes arent allowed to be funny; theyre to show only that A Blind Man Really Can See. Scheduled to premiere early next year, Growing Up Fisher might not ever make it to the screen. The shows been retitled and recast. But even if it doesnt, we can expect to see more of what it and The Michael J. Fox Show offergimp dads. Thats because in modern television, from NBC to Nickelodeon, all dads are gimps in some way: lovable because of their incompetence, inNEW FACES MELISSA FUMERO Amy Santiago on Brooklyn Nine-Nine (Fox) As the hypercompetitive detective partner of Andy Samberg.
THE SPECTRUM OF FALL TV PREMISES

Three hapless brothers are stationed in the same Army unit (Enlisted, Fox).
Dracula becomes infatuated with the reincarnation of his deceased wife (Dracula, NBC).
L I K E L I H O O D O F C A N C E L L AT I O N
A headless man might be one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (Sleepy Hollow, Fox).
A young woman is institutionalized during a depressive episode following the death of her genie boyfriend (Once Upon a Time in Wonderland, ABC).
A rogue FBI agent takes a prominent surgeons family hostage and orders her to assassinate the president (Hostages, CBS).
A lawyer spends every Friday night at home for 13 years (Super Fun Night, ABC).
Andy Samberg plays an NYPD detective (Brooklyn NineNine, Fox).
A woman is recruited by a government agency of superhero investigators due to the accuracy of her occult conspiracy theories (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., ABC).
A gas-station employee robs his employer the night he and his coworkers win the lottery (Lucky 7, ABC).
An advertising executive recruits Kelly Clarkson to sing a sexual song about McDonalds (The Crazy Ones, CBS).
Police officers partner with androids in order to protect the public more efficiently (Almost Human, Fox).
PL AUSIBILIT Y
deed competent because of their incompetence, challenged in the rituals of fatherhood by the very fact that they are fathers. They can be buffoons, boors, prigs, posers, charlatans, stuffed shirts, and wellmeaning barbarians; what they can never be, what they are not allowed to be, are authority gures. Its not that Ward Cleaver has gone away, exactly; its that Ward Cleaver has lost any semblance of control, so if TV shows him smoking his pipe in his easy chair, it also has to show him dreaming of being a ballerina. Or, as it happens, suffering from the shakes. Michael J. Fox, on The Michael J. Fox Show, is far from an authority gure; but he is also not entirely the butt of jokeshis kids love him, and, as the show is at pains to point out, he still gets laid. But he still gets laid not in spite of his disability but rather because of it . . . and thats the new ratio of incompetence to authority that obtains in sitcom land. I like The Michael J. Fox Show. Ive never thought Michael J. Fox is particularly funny, but what the show demonstrates is that hes conducive to funny, a rare talent that has made him a star. But it also demonstrates something to fathers all across the land, no matter how abled we might be: We are all Stevie Wonder now. The question is whether we get the joke. TOM JUNOD
THE NEWEST PREMISE
PARENTS COHABITATING WITH THEIR ADULT CHILDREN

hen its done well, you get a couple like Jane Kaczmarek and Kurt Fuller on Us & Them. They dont live with their son but directly above him. Close enough. Theyre weirdosa dad who insists that the only avor he tastes is honey; a mom who sneaks into her sons apartment late one night, midintimacy and desperate for honeybut weirdos you can understand. They could exist, unlike the fathers on Foxs Dads, one of whom greets everyone with a kiss on the lips, or Beau Bridges on The Millers, who every morning puts metal in the microwave. As viewers, we dont need verisimilitude, but we also dont need cartoons. P. M. C O N T I N U E D
ELLA RAE PECK Molly on Welcome to the Family (NBC) As a young woman impregnated by her boyfriend.
CHLOE BENNET Skye on Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (ABC) As a woman kidnapped after uncovering a bureaucracy that investigates superhumans.
Clip, Save, Share.
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TV PREVIEW CONTINUED
THE QU
E SQ.
IZ
Anna Faris
THE MOST TIRED CLICH
OVERT RACISM
lame the success of 2 Broke Girls, whose jive-talking cashier is every bad comics version of black people do this and whose Asian owner might as well be unable to pronounce vanilla. Somehow, vast generalizations are cool again. This year, Dads jumps right on board, subjecting Brenda Song (and us) to every geisha and Hello Kitty joke the writers can think of. This isnt even low-hanging fruit anymore. Its fruit thats already fallen off the tree and rotted. Please stop trying to feed it to us. P. M.
Allison Janney
Nate Corddry
WILL YOU BE WATCHING MOM?

Choose all that apply and add up the assigned points to see if youll be checking out this new fall TV show. creator Chuck Lorre: Yay or nay? Not familiar (0) Id watch The Big Bang Theory on an airplane but not Two and a Half Men. (2) 7. Whom would you be more likely to root for: a mans compellingly flawed employee/mistress or his haughty, controlling wife? His wife. (0) Whoever seems more compatible with him. (6) Whoever is hotter. (5) 8. Are you a fan of Anna Faris? Cute in The House Bunny. (4) Its pronounced Ah-na. (10) 9. How do you cope with adversity? Self-help audiobooks (6) Repression (3) 10. Do you have any thoughts on the mass migration of movie actors to television? It seems to be indicative of both the decline of the Hollywood studio system and the rise in quality of television programming. (2) Not really. (6) 11. Who is the superior Corddry? Rob (2) Theres more than one Corddry? (0) 12. Yeah, Nate. He plays ANSWER KEY
MORE THAN 20 POINTS: You will be watching Mom,
1. How great is Allison Janney? Great. (7) Pretty damn great. (8) 2. Which is funny? I think your digestive system has seen worse than ice. Ive watched you lick cocaine crumbs out of a shag carpet. (4) In case youve forgotten, I got pregnant with you when I was a teenager. And please, dont take this the wrong way. It ruined my life. (4) What does this taste like to you? Uh, mushrooms? The correct answer was ass. (4) 3. Could Allison Janney and Anna Faris plausibly be mother and daughter? Yes (5) No (0) I dont care. (6) 4. Which of the following is a promising dynamic? (Choose all that apply.) Estranged mother/ daughter (4) Absentee father/single mother (4) Abusive executive chef/ abused sous chef (4) Chuck Lorre/Charlie Sheen (8) 5. How do you prefer your addicts? High-functioning (4) Cartoonishly messed up (2) In recovery (10) 6. The oeuvre of show co-
Gabriel on Mom. Huh. (2) 13. Which would you consider bad parenting? Teaching your son how to steal money from prostitutes in Grand Theft Auto. (5) Letting your son play Grand Theft Auto. (2) 14. What is appropriate to share at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting? The story of your descent to rock bottom and subsequent fledgling attempts at redemption. (4) Stand-up material (6) A nip (-2) 15. How susceptible are you to the charms of bespectacled boys? Not particularly (1) 16. Which is your favorite televised parent/child relationship? Marie and Ray Barone on Everybody Loves Raymond. (6) Jay Pritchett and Claire Dunphy on Modern Family. (5) Livia and Tony on The Sopranos. (0) 17. Your own mother: Everything okay there? Yeah, why? (0) Were still working through some things. (3) 18. Im sorry to hear that. Its been a journey. (3)
THE BEST HERO
HIDDEN COMPETENCE
he toughest thing to swallow about the otherwise entertaining Fox comedy Brooklyn Nine-Nine is that Andy Sambergs doofus character, Jake Peralta, is an effective cop. Unlike Leslie Nielsens Frank Drebin, Peralta doesnt solve crimes by accident, tripping a bad guy when he bends over to pick up a quarter. Youre expected to believe that this lovable clown is actually the biggest asset on the force. Still, you get over it. On The Crazy Ones, Robin Williams plays the head of a struggling father/daughter ad agency. Supposedly past his prime, he hides his ability behind a barrage of idiotic impressions and voices that, while not always funny, at least make him someone you can understand. You may not like him, but you feel for him. P. M.
NEW FACES SOPHIE LOWE Alice on Once Upon a Time in Wonderland (ABC) As the storybook protagonist.
and possibly Dads.

LESS THAN 20 POINTS: You will not be watching Mom.
MEGAN BOONE Elizabeth Keen on The Blacklist (NBC) As the chosen FBI liaison of James Spaders crime lord.
BRENDA SONG Veronica on Dads (Fox) A video-game-company underling.
THE EXPLOSIVE FRAGRANCE
NORDSTROM, BLOOMINGDALES, SAKS FIFTH AVENUE AND NEIMAN MARCUS
THE RULES
clearly a great athlete. Maybe Belichick will use him for the running game to not risk Brady getting hurt?
On the likelihood of Tebow actually playing at QB: No clue, but I am sure he
No. 413 YOU UNDERMINE A BIT OF YOUR OWN AUTHORITY WHEN YOU ADDRESS SOMEONE WHILE EATING A MINI MUFFIN. No. 527 NO JOKE YOU THOUGHT OF IN THE RESTAURANT BATHROOM IS WORTH BRINGING BACK TO THE TABLE. No. 528 ESPECIALLY IF ITS A WITTY TAKE ON HOW EMPLOYEES MUST WASH HANDS. No. 575 UNLESS YOU ARE RELATED, A CANDIDATE MUST BE RUNNING FOR STATE OFFICE OR HIGHER TO DESERVE A BUMPER STICKER ON YOUR CAR. No. 601 WHILE IT MAY SEEM CONVENIENT, THE DRAWBACKS OF BEING BIG ENOUGH TO REST A PLATE OF FOOD ON YOURSELF WHILE YOU EAT OUTWEIGH THE BENEFITS. No. 611 TO ENTER A SUBURBAN DRUG DEN IN MOVIES, YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO PASS A KNITTING GRANDMA. No. 612 AND MAYBE A NURSING MOTHER. No. 633 LEAVE THE HARMONY TO THE PROFESSIONAL SINGERS.
can help give some depth at tight end. It all depends on Rob Gronkowskis injury status.
Speaking of Gronkowski and his injuries: Hes
like the Terminator. He just keeps coming back.
PREDICTIONS FROM OUR NEW FAVORITE FOOTBALL FAN

B Y A LY S S A M I L A N O
THE 2013 NFL PREVIEW
On RG3 after his knee surgery: I hope he will be
at 100 percent. Hes an amazing guy to watcheven though hes a Redskin.

On who is more likely to break the recordCalvin Johnson for receiving or Adrian Peterson for rushing: I would
First, some qualifications: Two
champs: Somewhere between
years ago, Milano launched her own line of female-focused NFL apparel, Touch. Her father-inlaw has worked the chain gang for the Giants for 35 years. Plus, her TV father, Tony Micelli on Whos the Boss? was a retired baseball player. And shes currently hosting the new season of Project Runway All Stars, which has nothing to do with anything except for the fact that it premieres around the same time as this years football season.
On this years favorite: I
not happening and no way.

On the new scariest player in the NFL, now that Ray Lewis is retired: Jason Pierre-
Paul. I love him!

On this years big games:
love to see Peterson win the rushing record. He came so close last year after battling injuries. Hes fun to watch.
On Manti Teos chances of avoiding ridicule in his first season: Ha. The guy cer-
Im excited to take my son, Milo, to the Giants versus Chargers game in December. And Im always excited for the Giants versus Eagles games. I love rivalries.
On Chip Kelly, the former Oregon coach whos making his debut with the Eagles: Hes a great coach. But
tainly knows how to make an entrance. I am sure they will leave this poor little rookie alone. [NFL opponents] are sweet like that.
On Barkevious Mingos status as the man with the best name in the NFL: Its a good
would like to think its the Giants, but the Broncos will be very tough to beat.
On this years least favorite: The Jaguars. On the Ravens odds to repeat as Super Bowl
NEW FACES
for the sake of my husbands blood pressure, I hope it takes him a few years to turn the Eagles around.
On Tim Tebows playing for the Patriots: Hes
one. But what about Guy Whimper? Or Richie Incognito?

On Plaxico Burresss new line of socks: I wasnt
aware he had a new line of socks. Are they bulletproof?
ATHENA KARKANIS Dani on Low Winter Sun (AMC) As a Muslim detective working at a corrupt precinct in Detroit.
SPENCER GRAMMER Holly on Ironside (NBC) Kelsey Grammers daughter plays a New York City detective.
ADELAIDE KANE Mary, Queen of Scots, on Reign (CW) Portrays Marys predecapitation rise to power.
HOW TO BUY A TV
BY PETER MARTIN
E SQ.
WHAT TO LOOK FOR, WHAT TO DISMISS, AND WHEN TO LISTEN TO THE GUY AT BEST BUY
PLASMA VERSUS LCD, PART 2 If you watch TV in a room full of windows with no curtains, get an LCD. Plasmas have gotten much better with brightness, but only the highest-end sets truly compete with LCDs. REFRESH RATE The number of times per second a screen refreshes its image, measured in hertz. Very important in LCD sets. (Plasmas dont suffer from motion blur, so dont worry about it.) Standard is 60 Hz, 120 Hz is nice, and 240 Hz is probably overkill, but its your money. Just look for the words refresh rate. Not scenes per second (SPS) or TruMotion. Refresh rate. THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW BY NOW Cheap HDMI cables are just as good as expensive ones. Seriously. Spend five dollars, max. And ignore the contrast ratio. Instead, cup your hands over a dark section of the screen to block out external light, then peer through the opening. The less light you see, the better your picture will be, in general. A WORD ON 3-D Active glasses are expensive and heavy and use batteries but provide full resolution. Passive glasses are inexpensive, but since each eye sees only half the image, youre getting only half the resolution. ANOTHER WORD ON 3-D You do not care about 3-D but for one reason: The worst 3-D TV is among the best 2-D TVs.
D I G I TA L M AT H !
T EC H S C H O O L
By now you know most of the acronyms and misleading specs that go into selling you a TV. But what you might not know is which of them are actually important. Or how much youll actually need to spend to get a good set. If thats the case, were here to help. For the really nerdy stuff, we even consulted Gary Merson, editor of hdguru.com and one of the few people who gets excited about things like pixel density and refresh rate. With his input, we put together this guide to navigating your shopping experience the best way we know how. PLASMA VERSUS LCD Among plasma, LCD, and LED LCD, your best bet really seems to be plasma (unless youre looking for something smaller than 42 inches). Although LCD options are still slightly thinner and lighter, the only time youll notice is when youre taking the TV out of the box. With a plasma, you know black levels are generally good. Whats supposed to look dark looks darknot gray, green, or slightly purple. And you can watch a plasma from nearly any angle. With some LCDs, when you lay your head down on the couch, a portion of the picture disappears. (This isnt true for good LCDs, but its worth checking before you buy a cheaper model.)
SMART FEATURES You also do not care about smart features. Hulu Plus, Netflix, and HBO Go? All available on a $100 Roku 3 or Apple TV. UHD Ultra HD, also known as 4K TV, provides four times the number of pixels of full HD. This would be wonderful if anything were broadcast in it. Or if you ever planned on sitting close enough to your screen to really tell the difference. Skip it. BUDGET You can get a good 42- to 50inch TV for $700. You can get a great TV for $1,200 to $1,500. More than $2,000 is for when you want an unusual size more than 65 inchesand/or beautiful design. INPUTS Good TVs have at least four HDMI inputs. If you need fewersay you want to hook up only a cable box and a DVD or a Blu-ray playerthis can be an easy way to save some money. TIERS Companies like Samsung, Sony, Panasonic, LG, and Sharp have been around for a while. On the off-chance you need them, they have huge repair networks and easy-to-find parts. Others, not so much. SPEAKERS In general, the thinner and prettier your TV, the worse your speakers will be. Theres just no room. Either get a sound bar or learn to appreciate movies without bass.
ACTUAL DEPTH
SAMSUNGS 8500 SERIES PLASMAS ARE ONLY 1.9 INCHES DEEP.
WHAT SIZE TV SHOULD YOU BUY?

>
Start with 27 INCHES. (Anything smaller should be a computer monitor.) Add 1 inch per foot you normally sit from the TV. 5 inches per hour of TV you watch on a normal night. 5 inches, and maybe try talking to your family a little more. 2 inches for every football game you watch on an average weekend. 1 inch for every item in the room you want people to notice before your TV. 10 inches if you also have stadium seating, a popcorn machine, or macular degeneration.
86
ENGINEERED FOR MEN WHO BELIEVE IN TIME MACHINES.
Ingenieur Chronograph Silberpfeil. Ref. 3785: Not everyone gets the chance to sit in the driving seat of a Silver Arrow, but anyone who does will confirm that its like being transported to another age. It has a wooden steering wheel, analogue instruments and bodywork made of gleaming aluminium hence the name of the racing car that became a legend between the 1930s and 50s. Optically, the Chronograph Silver Arrow conforms to the same classic image. The black rubber strap with its brown calfskin inlay is reminiscent of the leather straps once used to secure the body work, while the dial features the same circular graining as the Silver Arrows dashboard. When we come to the technology, however, the watch is
at the cutting edge. The IWC-manufactured 89361 calibre with its efficient double-pawl winding powers not only the hour, minute and seconds hands on the dial, but also a totalizer at 12 oclock, the date display and a small hacking seconds. Whats more, it comes with an impressive 68-hour power reserve. Used with the central seconds hand, the tachymeter scale on the bezel enables the wearer to calculate his speed over a measured distance of 1,000 metres. Interestingly, the original Silver Arrow had just three displays: a rev counter and indi cators for the oil and water temperature. Because regardless of the era, the one thing that counts when you get into a racing car is achieving the best time.
IWC . ENGINEERED FOR MEN .
BEST T HIS MAN A
WHOD HAVE THOUGHT THE SEQUEL TO THE SHINING WOULD BE SO TENDER?

BY CHRIS JONES
STEPHEN KING LOSES HIS BLOOD

n the first few pages of Doctor Sleep (Scribner, $30), Ste-
phen Kings sequel to 1977s The Shining, the fear takes no time rushing back. Heres eight-year-old Danny Torrance just that name can give an entire generation of sleepless children goosebumpslistening to his mother still choking on the injuries shed received at the hands of her husband, Jack, that terrible winter at the Overlook Hotel. Danny has to pee, and when he creeps into the bathroom in the night, he sees Mrs. Massey, the woman from room 217, sitting on the toilet, leaving stains in her bloated wake. Thats page 3. Id started reading Doctor Sleep in bed, and I decided to close it right then, hoping to delay the inevitable night-
mares. I read The Shining when I was a kid, and it scared the ever-loving shit out of me, a fear that remains surprisingly close to the surface. (My wife remembers having to put the physical book in the hallway outside her childhood bedroom door before she could fall asleep after reading it.) Seeing Mrs. Massey turned me into a trembling child again. Doctor Sleep is 528 pages long. It was going to take me six months and as many bottles of Valium to read it. But heres the true shock about Doctor Sleep: Its not very scary. Its closer to tense, like the later volumes of Harry Potter. (King even makes mention of Quidditch, a little st bump between master storytellers.) We see Danny growing up, ghting the alcoholism that nearly consumes him, and eventually becoming a hospice worker with a talent for helping people die peacefully. He is Doctor Sleep. Then a teenage girl named Abra Stone forces her way into his universe, a girl with a gift like his, only much more powerful. A nomadic tribe of wicked immortals, the True Knot, tortures and kills special children like her, sustained by the steam that pours off them when they suffer. Now they are coming for Abra, and Dan must help save her. In his authors note, King concedes his dilemma in following up a book as terrifying as The Shining: Nothing can live up to the memory of a good scare, and I mean nothing, especially if administered to one who is young and impressionable. Thirty-six years have passed since he last wrote about these characters. He was an angry alcoholic then. Today King is a 65-year-old grandfather. Weve all changed as much in the meantime. So Doctor Sleep reads more like a love story than a ghost story, as beautiful as a book thats littered with dead children can be. After reading those rst three pages, I never would have guessed the adjective Id nd bobbing around in all that blood after 528 of them: tender. Doctor Sleep, in some ways, reads like a tearful AA confession, like a letter from a father who wants to apologize for the curses of genetics, for the well-intentioned failures of family. Its as though Danny Torrance is Stephen King, or vice versa, a man who has been followed all these years by his mistakes and terrible visions and wants nally to be free of them, made innocent. Death was no less a miracle than birth, King writes. It beats even fear at making us young again.
IF YOU READ ONLY ONE BOOK THIS MONTH...

Its been seven years since Daniel Woodrell introduced us to Ree Dolly, the fierce and hardened female force who electrified his novel Winters Bone. In that time, Winters Bone was made into a lauded movie, which ar, Jennifer Lawrence, a lauded actress. Now comes The Maids Version (Little, Brown, $25), a slim novel set in the Missouri Ozarks before meth and clan warfare created the noir landscape that suffocated Ree and her family. It might be read as a prequel: The dirt-poor drunks and evangelizing preachers and proud housekeepers who wander West Table in 1929, stunned by a mysterious fire that kills 42, are the soil and roots from which the rest of Woodrells work has grown. Of one broken woman, Woodrell writes: She was kind, made that effort, she hoped, less and less but still, she tried, on and on. You can see Ree in those words and where she came from. And you can see Woodrell his people, all.
To read an excerpt from Doctor Sleep, scan here with Netpage.
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A S TO L D BY
NICOLE BEHARIE
A BLACKSMITH IS TRAINING his new apprentice. Getting to know the boys skills, the blacksmith asks, Have you ever shoed a horse? The apprentice replies, No, but I did once tell a donkey to fk off.
ABOUT THE JOKESTER: Nicole Beharie is in no danger of being typecast. Before she played Mrs. Jackie Robinson in 42, she sexually frustrated Michael Fassbender nearly to sincerity in Shame. And before that, she was on Broadway in a 19th-century farce in the role of a pregnant teenage farm girl. Now the 28-yearold Juilliard grad is playing a modern-day cop chasing after the Headless Horseman alongside Ichabod Crane on the new Fox show Sleepy Hollow. And while the prestigious school prepped her for these wideranging roles, it failed to equip her with the gun-toting skills that this new part requires: It was just jarring shooting for the first time. It hurt. I was like, I thought Id be cooler than this. Considering the other skills shes mastered over the course of her career, were pretty sure shell get the hang of it. M AT T G O U L E T
cannot guarantee that this * Esquire joke will be funny to everyone.
92 E S Q U I R E
Pardon us, but Nicole Beharie has another joke for you. Scan here with Netpage to watch her tell it.
PHOTOGRAPH BY CHRIS FORTUNA
P RO M OT I O N
I N T RO D U C I N G T H E A L L N E W
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weekly tablet edition of a monthly magazine. Packed with original, thought-provoking pieces from Esquires best writers, offering
storytelling, wisdom, hilarity

and everything else you expect from Esquire, delivered to your iPad weekly.
On nd ssta New at es iTun
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Get Esquire Weekly, Esquire and Esquires biannual Big Black Book delivered to your iPad for just $20 a year.
THE
BY KEN KURSON
Panic of 18-whatever or even the Japanese corporate real estate bubble economy of the late 80s. But I would argue that while the underlying assets in those market frenzies were valuable compared with, say, tulips, their real value was as a proxy for what else they could be traded for, not for what the actual salt or vitamins did for their investors. Thats why the housing bubble was different. Even people who lost much of their investment stayed in their homes, underwater, for yearsin many cases to this day. This was a speculative investment that was also an investment in a basic human need. But thats also why the collapse of the bubble offers unique opportunities. Were seeing the housing market reconnect to actual valuesand actual needswhich in turn is about to unleash massive forces that will drive the shares of home builders higher. There are three reasons for this: 1) a vast pent-up demandfor example, there were only 451,000 single-family housing sales in April compared with a normal range of 750,000 to 800,000, according to Goldman Sachs; 2) an extreme supply shortage (only 4.1 months of new home inventory as the summer began); and 3) a pendulum shift by the banks from reckless lending to miserly, and recently back to rational. Now Goldman, a rm that did as much to inate the bubble as anyone, has released a report on the home builders that is so in line with my thinking its as though it were plucked from my heart. I dont believe home building is a sector that can be invested in across the board like a SPDRespecially now, as the effects of the speculative frenzy are still settling. Youve got to do some stock picking here, because a builder that owns land purchased at the peak in a failing city faces very different prospects from a builder who snatched up key parcels cheaply in a fast-growing market. The bottom line: The best-rated builders ought to grow about 24 percent over the next 12 months, according to Goldman, while the dogs will actually fall 3 percent. Goldman concludes that the most advantageous markets are Charlotte, North Carolina; and Jacksonville and Orlando, Florida; the worst are New York, Philadelphia, and Chicago. The builders with strength in the good markets have the best shot at a run. My favorite stock in the group is Toll Brothers (TOL), which has been taking share from rivals. Goldmans other two picks are Ryland (RYL), which shows strength in Charlotte and is trading at a deep discount to its expected multiple, and Meritage (MTH); the ones it hates are Hovnanian (HOV) and Pulte Group (PHM), which actually get rare sell ratings. The story is easily toldhigh demand for a must-have product, low supply, and still small price. Its a cant miss. But thats the thinking that started the bubble, right? The big risk, of course, is the economy. Interest rates are nally rising. A big jump, though unlikely, is not out of the question. Theres never a foolproof story. But if you pick well, the story here smells better than tulips: The top home builders today give you the best shot at a winner.
BUY THE BUILDERS

HOUSING IS BACK, AND THE BEST-POSITIONED HOME BUILDERS ARE ABOUT TO TAKE OFF. YOU JUST HAVE TO KNOW WHICH ONES....
he thing that has united nancial bubbles over the
years is that nobody needs the commodity at the heart of them. Tulips, Internet stocks, even gold. Gold is deating quickly right now not because the jewelry industry or the speaker-wire industry or the hip-hop-teeth industry suddenly needs less of it. Its collapsing because the people who bid it up in the hopes that someone else would bid it further are losing condence. What happens when the bubble being inated is not a useless commodity but instead something Americans want, need, and are willing to pay for even in the worst of times? Thats what were nding out now. Stock prices for home builders in the United States went up 1,100 percent from 2000 to 2005. Youd think we were talking about a highly speculative eld. People who couldnt afford one home bought a second as an investment property. And people who could afford a home borrowed 90 percenteven 100 percent or 110 percentof the value of those homes. You have to put value in quotation marks, because the only relationship between those numbers and reality was that there were other suckers willing to pay those crazy numbers. The housing market collapse that began in 2007 (and shaved 85 percent of the peak value of home-builder stocks by 2009) is, as far as I can tell, the rst time in history that a basic need became subject to speculative frenzy. I will get angry e-mails from market historians who want to talk about the Famous Salt Frenzy or the Vitamin C
THIS WAS A SPECULATIVE INVESTMENT THAT WAS ALSO AN INVESTMENT IN HUMAN NEEDS. THATS WHAT MAKES IT UNIQUE.
Sorry, but another interruption: Scan here with Netpage for a special public-service announcement!
ADVER TI SEMENT
Montblanc presents... THE #ULTIMATEBUCKETLIST

Montblanc celebrates the world travelers bucket list your personal to-do list of far-ung adventures. The new Montblanc TimeWalker World-Time Hemispheres North is designed for every jet setter, displaying 24 time zones. Explore our #UltimateBucketList and get inspired to create your own.
Worldly Ideas To Kick Off Your

#Ultimatebucketlist
MOSCOW (12 AM MSK) Live Like a Russian Oligarch. Revel in Muscovite excess at TSUM, an ornate shopping center near Red Square, replete with 24-hour luxury grocery store. BEIJING (4 AM CST) Get To The Great Wall. Visit the Jiankou section of the Great Wall of China early to watch the sunrise and avoid the crowds. TOKYO (5 AM JST) Dont Sleep With The Fishes. Rise at 5 am to see the mind-blowing live tuna auction at the Tsukiji Fish Market followed by a (fresh) sushi breakfast. LOS ANGELES (1 PM PDT) Find Art Amongst Commerce. Between poolside cocktails at Chateau Marmont, take in one of of LACMAs renowned exhibitions, from Caravaggio to Scorsese. NEW YORK CITY (4 PM EDT) Crash a Fashion Show. Put on your sleekest suit and Im Somebody shades and slip into a show at Lincoln Center (as a friend-ofa-friend of the designer, of course). LONDON (9 PM BST) See a Legendary Show. From ballet, jazz, and opera to rock n roll, Londons Royal Albert Hall has the ideal combo of killer acoustics and historic atmosphere. PARIS (10 PM CEST) Dine Like a New Gourmand. Young Parisian chefs are revolutionizing haute cuisine. Try Septime in the 11th, equal parts renement and spontaneity.
Hawaii Top of the List
(10 AM HAST)
HAWAII IS THE DEFINITION OF AN #ULTIMATEBUCKETLIST DESTINATION HERE ARE A FEW OF OUR PREFERRED ADVENTURES: SURF THE NORTH SHORE
Oahus North Shore is a one-stop adrenaline source, host to the worldfamous surf spots Banzai Pipeline and Haleiwa Beach Park.
YOU VERSUS THE VOLCANO

Visit Hawaii Volcanoes National Park on Hawaii, the Big Island, and take the Crater Rim Drive, encircling the mighty Kilauea volcano.
SWIM WITH SHARKS

Take a tour off shore to see Galapagos, sandbar and hammerhead sharks in their natural habitat, from the safety of a metal-and-glass cage.
Share Your #UltimateBucketList and win

Visit facebook.com/Esquire and share photos of places or events on your #UltimateBucketList for the chance to win a Montblanc TimeWalker World-Time Hemispheres North timepiece and a trip for two to Hawaii, the Big Island, including accommodations at Four Seasons Resort Hualalai.
TIMEWALKER VOYAGER UTC

SPECIAL EDITION
Wherever the journey takes you, the second time zone synchronized with Universal Time Coordinated (UTC) lets you keep track of all your global interests. Automatic movement. Second time zone with 24-hour display and day/night indication. 42 mm stainless-steel case with satin-finished bezel. Crafted in the Montblanc Manufacture in Le Locle, Switzerland.
M O N T B L A N C . C O M
DAVID
M
WOND
A B H
RICH
AN ENDORSEMENT OF THE NIGHTCAP
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, ONE MORE DRINK
lcohol affects sleep onset, duration and architecture, as the Lexicon of Psychiatry, Neurology, and the Neurosciences puts it, increasing slow wave sleepthe deep, wakeup-groggy kindand reducing the amount of rapid eye-movement (REM) sleepthe kind that . . . well, we dont know exactly what it does, but wed die without it. Whats more, as the night progresses blood alcohol levels fall, leading to heightened arousal . . . and recurrent awakenings associated with tachycardia, sweating, headaches, and intense dreams or nightmares. Theres still more, but if all that isnt enough to make you lay off the sauce at bedtime, youre beyond telling. Like we are. See, against all that unpleasant stuff, theres this: Its late. Youre in bed, comfortable. The room is dark, save the little cone of light touching the book in your handssomething by Carl Hiaasen or Charles McCarry. Every few minutes, you pick up the glass on the table beside you, take a deep whiff of the mellow nectar within, and then let a teaspoonful or so trick1 2 le down your throat, savoring the little glow it spreads throughout your body. Everything you worry about, all your plans and schemes, everyone youve got to get around, put up with, make allowances for, is outside that bright little cone. For its part in keeping them out there, we love a nightcap. Were not suggesting you ignore all
those doctors. That would be dumb. Were not advocating having a big hooker of Scotch before turning in or drinking until you pass out. Managed properly, a nightcap is less about the alcohol than it is about the ritual, about having something rich and soothing to sip while you shrug off the weight of the day. An adult bedtime story. What you want is just an ounce of booze or a little more than that of port or other fortied wine, no more. Not enough to mess up your sleep beyond an extra toss or turn or two. If youve been out drinking, you dont need that nightcapindeed, it would be a bad idea all around. If youre already sleepy, you can skip it. Its not an every-night thing. But when conditions are right, theres nothing more pleasant. Not every spirit works well as a nightcap. Cordials and liqueurs might be traditional, but their heavy sweetness works better earlier in the evening. (That said, a nip of green Chartreuse makes a good occasional nightcapjust a nip, though: Its 110 proof.) Bourbons and ryes, while wonderful, tend to be mood-breakingly tangy, as does tequila, even when well aged. Vodka lacks comfort; ginjust no. Scotch whisky can be perfect if its one of the expressions low on the peat, smoke, and sherry-cask tarryness and high on the sweet barley notes and mellowness. Nor do we want super-high-end luxury spirits: The focus of the nightcap isnt on the spirit; its on the ritual. And wed rather save those rare drams for when we can concentrate on them fully. You may feel differently about these choices, of course; its 3 4 your cone of light and you know best what you want inside it. We do, however, have a few suggestions. Most fortied winesports, sherries, Madeiras, and suchare too sweet for nightcap work, with the exception of a no sherry, which is far too dry. Some, however, are perfect. We like well-aged tawny ports, with their C O N T I N U E D
BIG DINNER YARD WORK CHARLIE ROSE
REALLY BAD IDEAS BEFORE BED

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RIGOROUS EXERCISE
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DRINKING CONTINUED
light, balanced sweetness and nutty mellowness. Take the [1] Taylor Fladgate 20-Year-Old Tawny ($55): Lightly aromatic, with dark g notes, its rich on the palate but not thick or overtly sweet. Moving into spirits, weve got to begin with cognac, the original sipping spirit. For nightcap use, youll need to trade up to an XO grade; anything less is likely to be far too young and lively. Once you do shell out, though, a cognac such as the [2] Delamain Pale & Dry XO ($95) makes the rewards obvious. Its as smooth and even delicate as you could hope for, but with a nish that keeps changing in your mouth, evolving: now juicy grapes, now baked apples, now nutmeg, cloves, cinnamonif you didnt have to brush your teeth, youd be tasting it all night.
A little bit beeer is the [3] Powers Johns Lane 12-year-old pure pot still Irish whiskey ($65). For those who know John Powers as a bar whiskey, this is the same stuff grown older, richer, and stronger. (Its a respectable 92 proof.) Its got the same light-musky graininess, but its thicker, even oilier on the tongue. When youre drinking it at the end of the night, youll want to add a little splash of waternothing more than a teaspoon or twoto calm it down. Finally, theres the [4] Plantation Vintage 2000 Trinidad rum ($35). While the other three are all subtlety and elegance, this ones more bewitchment and intensity, a dark whirlpool of tar and burnt sugar and roasted tropical fruit that would be too much if it werent so smooth. While the others persuade you to sleep, this one lures you into it.
TA ST I N G N OT E S
b
E SQ.
LESSON NO. 37
CONDUCTING A TEQUILA TASTING AT HOME

1. The tasting should be blind. So have someone pour for youan Esquire assistant editor if one happens to be around. Four neat pours from four good bottles. And make sure the assistant keeps track of whats in each glass. 2. Drink. 3. Ponder. 4. No spitting. Its only four modest pours of tequila, after all. 5. End the tasting at the first utterance of the word asparagusy.
THINGS WE THINK WE KNOW ABOUT
A FEW WORDS ON TEQUILAS MOST UNDERRATED CATEGORY

BY THE EDITORS
REPOSADOS
ple tend to polarize when it comes to booze: lightest/darkest, sweetest/most bitter, and so on. > Reposado is the briniest of the tequila categories. In tequila, brine is a good thing. > So are olives and vanilla. But not too much of any of those, and not at the same time. > A blanco tequila should have a snap. Its immature and angry. All young spirits are: Scotch off the still could be mistaken for tequila. A reposado shouldnt be so snappy; it should be more integrated, more rounded. A blanco slaps you across your face. A reposado gives you a shove.
Until recently, we hadnt cared much for reposadotequila that has been aged in oak barrels from 2 to 12 months. It seems too middle-of-the-road: like blanco (no barrel aging) without the bite, aejo (aged for longer than a year) without the flavor. But after a recent tasting directed by Esquires drinks correspondent and favorite drinking partner, David Wondrich, were coming around. > Its hard to love a reposado. If you find yourself in love, what you have is a very, very good tequila. > Reposados should get more love outside Mexico. But peoPRECOUNTING THE SHEEP
> Throughout Spanish America, they put their spirits rums, piscos, etc.in big wood tanks and age them for a few months. What theyre doing is calming them down: reposado means rested. You let it chill, so all those rambunctious things you get in a blanco are tamed. Which is why its interesting. > Margaritas. Obviously. > Shots. If youre gonna shoot tequila, this is what you shoot. > A few notes on the tequilas we tasted. [a] Don Julio ($50): most intense, but also stealthy. It tastes young at first, but if you let it rest, becomes briny and rich. [b] Casamigos
ENEMIES-LIST MAINTENANCE
($50): most vanilla, most accessible, least blancolike. Almost an aejo level of flavor. [c] El Tesoro ($55): spicy. Our favorite blanco, because its so crazy vegetal. The reposado version pulls out the fruit: roasted mango, pineapple intense. [d] Partida ($58): lightest, most balanced. Strikes a balance between El Tesoro and Don Julio. > Reposado can show you how bad tequila can be and how great tequila can be. It cant hide behind youth or old age. > All reposados are better after a few minutes of restingeither because they get time to open up or because you do.
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case in Japan in 2009, but unfortunately, theres still no new drug to treat it. Thats because activity in what Dr. Robert Kirkcaldy of the Centers for Disease Control refers to as the antibiotic pipeline has slowed over the past decade. So until we can find this pipeline and reach in there and get the drugs out of it, I advise all my readers to stick to the mellower strains, use condoms (everywhere), and, when soliciting sex overseas, always check references. Some celebrity couples seem to think an open relationship makes a couple stronger. What do you think? I dont get paid to thinkat least thats what Kurt and Goldie keep telling mebut if I did, Id think that open relationships are a bit like e-cigarettes: Good in theory, but theyll make you look stupid at parties. Only the most level-headed, secure, forthright, and honorable celebrities should even attempt open relationships, because theyre the only ones who can afford to pay everyone off when things dont work out, which they wont, because they never do. (Come on, you knew that.) Still, if you think you can manipulate your wife into agreeing you should sleep with other people, and you feel certain you can get drunk enough to ignore whatever she chooses to do, then by all means, open your relationship to the public. Just make sure everything is up to code and the exits are clearly marked.
Got a sex question of your own? E-mail it to us at sex@esquire.com.
TO P : I L LU ST R AT I O N BY J O H N C U N E O
HOW DIFFERENT IS SEX GOING TO BE AFTER MY WIFE HAS HER BABY?

Be prepared for more bibs, more vomit, about the same amount of diapers, and a lot more crying. At least thats what I gather from the mommy blogs. Now, since you didnt ask how sex will be different for her, Ill assume you want to know how it will be different for you. Thats goodId hate to have to try to summarize the varied and endless psychological, social, and sexual affronts that your wife will experience through this black deed. You, on the other hand, might feel something like a mildly annoying bump. Thats because some degree of tearing usually occurs with a vaginal birth, and if the woman had a lot of stitches that were put into that area, the man might feel knots or scar tissue, says Dr. Brad Douglas, OB-GYN at St. Marys Hospital in Richmond. This can usually be remedied quickly and painlessly (for you) with a steroid injection. The other thing you might feel is the feeling of not feeling anything. Many experts in the field (thanks, guys, next rounds on me!) report that a womans body is a whole new landscape after giving birth, which Im going to guess is more like a shifting sand dune than an active volcano. Kegelspelvicfloor exercises, which you may Google at your leisurecan help tighten her back up, so long as she does about 200 a day without fail. You might also want to invest in one of the insertable biofeedback mechanisms available online. Theres one called Intensity that goes for about $150 and might not hurt too much when she throws it at you. How worried should I be about this new superstrain of gonorrhea? Eh, its pretty strong, but I wouldnt call it super. Ive certainly had better. H041, which is what theyre calling the new strain until a name is selected (text your votes, everyone!), is simply the claps latest attempt to outsmart the antibiotics used to treat it. Gonorrhea does this all the time, which is how it stays relevant in an increasingly uncertain microbial landscape. So far, its managed only one
...A N D OTHER TOPICS
Do homeless people cut their fingernails? Yes, but they dont do much with nail art.
Will a chain lock really keep out an intruder? Depends on how badly he wants to kill you.
How do people with tattooed wedding rings show they are divorced? Full amputation, according to Levitical law.
Why is melted cheese so much better than unmelted cheese? I dont know, but its the same thing with heroin.
How many days after milk expires can I still drink it? Sixty. Then you may have to strain it.
104 E S Q U I R E
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S E P T. 2013
THE ESSENTIAL:
THE DOCKERS ALPHA COLLECTION

in a full collection of shirts, jackets, and sweaters. In addition to the trim patterned button-downs, cotton piqu blazers, and chunky cardigans that make up the new lines top half, there are two new fits for the bottom half: one with a little extra room in the seat and thighs (for stockier guys) and one with a skinny silhouette (for scrawnier), both walking the line between casual and dressy and setting the stage for a better-fitting fall for all of us. Cotton khakis ($98) and cotton shirt ($68) by Dockers Alpha Collection; leather boots ($550) by John Varvatos.
107
Its been three years, give or take, since the good people of Dockers took a long look in our collective closet, shook their heads, and decided the men of America deserved better pants. The Alpha Khaki, a chino with a slightly tapered leg, a slightly rough feel (almost denimlike), and a dizzying array of color options, quickly made Dockers the brand of choice for men who wanted the ease of wearing khakis without the baggy, saggy, Dad-playing-putt-putt fits. Now the khaki pioneer is capitalizing on that success by offering improved fits and feels
Use Netpage to buy select items from this section.
ESQUIRE STYLE 09.2013
TIME CHECK
HOW A LIFELONG WATCH LOVER HEADED TO A STRUGGLING CITY TO BUILD AN ALL-AMERICAN WATCH UNDER THE NAME OF A DEFUNCT SHOE-POLISH BRAND
THE FACE OF THIS WATCH SAYS DETROIT
THE REL AUNCH
A patriotic American can buy pretty much anything these days stamped M A D E
PART 1
COMMENT
THE MONK SITUATION It all started innocently enough: Men bored with wing tips and fanciful toe caps turned to ye olde monk-strap loafers for a versatile means of jazzing up jeans or de-squaring suits. But single-monk-strap loafers gave way to two straps and then three straps, and now theres no end in sight . There is nothing wrong with such shoes, but word to the wise: the more buckles, the less versatile the shoe. And for the man who likes to keep his options open, every buckle counts. From left: By Tods ($1,545); OKeeffe ($620); Grenson ($380); Tim Little ($575).
The fallback: solid color. The upgrade: solid color
with raised pattern. Shirt ($507) by Etro; suit ($1,995) by John Varvatos; tie ($230) by Brunello Cucinelli; pocket square ($125) by Isaia.
TO P R I G H T A N D B OT TO M L E F T: P H OTO G R A P H S B Y W E STO N W E L L S
IN THE U. S. A. Boots. Ties. Pickles. But a ne watch manufactured right here, among the amber waves of grain? Thats a tougher score, mostly because the timekeeping industrys expertise, manufacturing, standard-setting organizations, and legacy are all but trapped in Switzerland by the Alps. Enter Tom Kartsotis, the founder of Fossil watches (and a lifelong fan of all things ticking), who purchased the rights to use the name Shinola, a famous but defunct shoe-polish brand (and the source of the World War IIera idiom You dont know shit from Shinola), in 2011, with the idea of creating a line of handcrafted, high-quality American-made accessories for the masses. Leather goods. Bicycles. And, yes, watches. His plan was simple: He would partner with Ronda AG, a Swiss watchmaker whos produced movements for brands like Victorinox, to bring the best of Swiss watchmaking to the U. S. The four dozen parts of Shinolas Argonite 1069 quartz movement, the factory-oor equipment, the experts to train the American workers whod be assembling the completed watchesall would come from Switzerland. What Kartsotis needed was a place to make it all come together, a city with both a workforce familiar with manufacturing and plenty of cheap real estate. The answer was obvious: Detroit. Its legions of former autoworkers would make for an ideal workforce, and nding raw space for the factory would not be a problem. Shinola released the rst batch of its signature model, the Runwell, earlier this yeara piece with large numerals set against stark white, black, and colored faces; vintage-style hands; beveled stainless-steel cases; and Horween-leather bandsand it sold out online in eight days. Retailers like Barneys and Saks Fifth Avenue have picked up the line for fall, and the company contines to hire and keep up with rising demand. Its watches, meanwhile, just keep ticking away. Stainless-steel Runwell watch The watchmakers inside the 30,000-square-foot factory. ($550) by Shinola.
All-American style studied abroad in Europe and came home. Thats one way to look at the relaunch of this classic American brand. Were mindful of our American East Coast heritage, but we also wanted to bring a European touch, a freshness in terms of color and silhouette, says Gant creative director Christopher Bastin. Plus, a huge bonus is that we dont take ourselves too seriously. That explains the leather-cuffed wool peacoats with shawl collars, the slim knit sweaters styled halfway between Yale and the Sorbonne, and Bastins other surprising twists on fall staples. Wool-blend sweater ($225), cotton shirt ($135), and cotton trousers ($165) by Gant.
THE NEW GANT
THE SHIRT UPGRADE
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INTRODUCING...
BLOOMINGDALES
Bloomingdales has Britain
BRIT STYLE
THE SHIRT UPGRADE

PART 2
on the brain. The retail giants new Brit Style collection offers 250-plus exclusive items from more than 50 UK-based brands, including Union Jack lined Barbour jackets, a jetblack Hardy Amies peak-lapel tuxedo, and color-block topcoats from Bespoken, as well as clothes and accessories from four labels (Farrell, Marwood, Wolsey, and Flying Horse Jeans) heretofore unavailable stateside. Bloomingdales chalks up the timing to the 50th anniversary of the Beatles arrival in the U. S., and one can point to the strong Savile Row inuences in the fall collections as another catalyst, but really, its the best of Britain for the American man. Who needs a reason? Wool coat ($1,525) by Crombie; cotton shirt ($125) by Ben Sherman; wool annel trousers ($285) by Kent & Curwen; all available exclusively at Bloomingdales. Leather shoes ($385) by Grenson.
The fallback: plain
cotton weave.
The upgrade: textured
cotton weave. Shirt ($435) by Ermenegildo Zegna; suit ($558) by Banana Republic; tie ($135) by Thomas Pink; pocket square ($175) by Dunhill.
THE BEGINNERS GUIDE TO...
CHUKKA BOOTS
FOR IDEAL FALL-WEEKEND FOOTWEAR, LOOK NO FURTHER THAN THESE MIDANKLE SUEDE BOOTS
T . S
YLE TI P
Why, yes, those are cuffs on this mans pants. (Beefy, too.) In a world of straight-hem trousers, a good two-inch cuff goes a long way in standing out.
[1] By Brunello Cucinelli ($920). [2] By John Lobb ($1,075). [3] By John Lobb ($1,075). [4] By Tods ($725).
MODEL: PHOTOGRAPH BY WESTON WELLS
O
.
ESQTONE Corvette Red
ESQTONE Bottle O Red

ONE ESQT y Red all a a e R
THIS MONTH IN COLOR
RED WITHOUT APOLOGIES

1. The jacket: First thing to know about red: The brighter the shade,
the more casual the item of clothing, and when youre talking about performance outerwear (nylon anoraks, cotton trench coats, and the like), you can turn up the volume all the way. Nylon jacket ($155) by Banana Republic; cotton sweater ($55) by Gap; cotton oxford shirt ($135) by Gant Rugger; cotton jeans ($178) by 7 for All Mankind; suede boots ($200) by Ted Baker London. 2. The pants: Save your faded Nantucket reds for summer and look for pants in a brighter, richer red for fall. Pair them with dark or neutral shirts and shoes and brace yourself for compliments.
Cotton chinos ($68) by Dockers; two-button wool jacket ($228) by Massimo Dutti; cotton oxford shirt ($60) by Nautica; suede monkstraps ($535) by Churchs. 3. The whole shebang: Expand your suit collection beyond blue, black, and gray with something closer in style and sensibility to your favorite bottle of vino. Corduroy in particular does interesting things with red dye, and the depth and the avor of this suit make a huge impact. Two-button cotton corduroy suit ($1,895) by Marc Jacobs; cotton shirt ($590) by Brunello Cucinelli; silk tie ($65) by Tommy Hilger; leather shoes ($950) by Esquivel.
TH E E S Q U I R E C O LLEC TI O N Esquire has teamed with style site Trunk Club on the next iteration of the Esquire Collection series. To learn more about seven exclusive fall essentials from the likes of Billy Reid, Bespoken, L.B.M. 1911, and more, turn to page 56.
A N D ( R E ) I N T R O D U C I N G . . .
ONCE A GO-TO FOR REPP TIES AND CRICKET SWEATERS FOR THE DOWNTON ABBEY CROWD, THIS ENGLISH BRAND IS BACK FROM THE DEAD AND MAKING ITS WAY TO OUR SHORES WITH UPDATED TAKES ON ENGLISH CLASSICS. THE CHARCOAL DB SUIT, LEFT, IS TRICKED OUT WITH A SUBTLE GREEN WINDOWPANE PATTERN, AND A PAIR OF SELVAGE JEANS IS DETAILED WITH STITCHING INSPIRED BY THE LINES ON A CRICKET BALL. DOUBLE-BREASTED WOOL-ANDCASHMERE SUIT ($1,495) AND COTTON SHIRT ($195).
KENT & CURWEN
THE SHIRT UPGRADE

PART 3
The fallback: thin stripes. The upgrade: thick
stripes. (Bonus points for unexpected colors.) Shirt ($299) and suit ($2,175) by Canali; tie ($154) by Etro; pocket square ($165) by Brunello Cucinelli.
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B OT TO M L E F T: P H OTO G R A P H B Y W E STO N W E L L S
Ask Nick
Sullivan
T H E E S Q U I R E FAS H I O N D I R E CT O R W I L L N OW TA K E YO U R Q U E ST I O N S
fig. 1a fig. 1b
WHAT ARE SOME DIFFERENT WAYS TO FOLD A POCKET SQUARE? I LIKE THE LOOK OF THEM, BUT I NEVER REALLY KNOW IF IM FOLDING THEM RIGHT.
JUSTIN STEWART SAN FRANCISCO, CALIF.
Justin, there are several ways to fold a pocket square, but a lot depends on the material from which its made. Both cotton and linen work a lot like origami, and once folded into one of any number of possible shapes, the cloth holds a sharp crease that tends to stay put [Fig. 1a, by J. Press, $45]. Not so with silk, which really looks best billowing nonchalantly from the mouth of the pocket [Fig. 1b, by Brioni, $100]. Master the techniques and youll probably nd one that you favor over all the others. Just dont faff about it for too long or worry how it looks all the time. Lifes too short.
IVE GOT A PAIR OF CORDS THAT ARE A FEW YEARS OLD, AND THE RIBS ARE SO THIN THAT IVE BEEN TOLD THEY LOOK LIKE VELVET. IF I DECIDE TO REPLACE THEM, WHATS THE OPTIMAL THICKNESS WHEN IT COMES TO THE RIBS? GRANT ATKINS TEMPE, ARIZ.
wide-wale corduroy [Fig. 3]. Generally, the ner the cord

[Fig. 4, by Paul Stuart, $297],
that the brown isnt too light. A good shade of cognac and all points darker [Fig. 5,
left: Shoes ($385) by Grenson; belt ($75) by Cole Haan]
the slimmer the look.

I HAVE RECENTLY NOTICED MORE MEN WEARING TIE CLIPS IN MY OFFICE. ARE THESE NOW IN STYLE? MATT REILLY NEW YORK, N.Y.
fig. 2
will sufce.
OVER THE YEARS, ITS BECOME A STAPLE FOR PILOTS IN THE AIR FORCE TO SPORT MUSTACHES WHEN DEPLOYED. WHILE I WANT TO HONOR THIS TRADITION, MY FACE IS FAR NARROWER, AND I WANT TO DO IT WITH A MORE MODERN FLAIR. ANY SUGGESTIONS? KARL JOHNSON LOCATION WITHHELD
Matt: I am prepared to accept that this particular accessory is popular elsewhere (not here) as an easy (read: lazy) shorthand for the modern narcissist who wants to tell everyone in the room hes got style down. The thing is, though, that there is something a little too neat and uniform about a tie clip. For example, when I wear a tie, I tend to deliberately yank it off-kilter, and I rarely tuck the thin end into the keeper, because achieving neckwear perfection is never my goal. If you want to achieve a look that is yours and yours alone, a tie clip seems to me a colossal waste of time.
NAVY SUIT: BLACK BELT AND BLACK SHOES OR BROWN BELT AND BROWN SHOES? THANKS. CRAIG CHENEY LOUISVILLE, KY.
fig. 3
fig. 4
Corduroy comes in several different thicknesses, which are determined by the width of each individual cord, also known as a wale. (Wale is a very old word deriving from the Anglo Saxon word for the raised ridges in a plowed eld. Which is all suitably agricultural, given the rustic origins of corduroy as the poor mans velvet, worn by huntsmen.) Anyway, the number of wales to the inch can vary from 16 in a needle cord [Fig. 2] to 8 in a
Some shy away from pairing navy suits with black shoes, etc. [Fig. 5, right:
Shoes ($720) and belt ($225) by Churchs], but theres ab-
fig. 5
solutely nothing wrong with it. The only thing you need to make sure of when pairing navy with brown shoes is
GOT A QUESTION FOR NICK SULLIVAN? E-MAIL HIM AT ESQST YLE@HEARST.COM.
I L LU ST R AT I O N BY B E R N D S C H I F F E R D E C K E R
In 2008, a pilot in the Royal Air Force was working with the U. S. Air Force in Afghanistan. His American commanding ofcer insisted he trim his somewhat bushy stache to bring it in line with the more modest caterpillars permitted on his American peers. After something of a standoff, the pilot consulted the Queens Regulationsunder Growth of Hair and Beardsand his stache stayed. Bottom line: Stand your ground and wear the kind of mustache you want to wear. With your physiognomy, a large moustache would not be wise. I would let it grow and then trim until you nd a shape that pleases you. I would not suggest you twizzle the ends Poirot-style, as that is more suited to a hipster bar than a modern Air Force jet.
INTRODUCING
SKINNY, SLIM & STANDARD
2013 LEVI STRAUSS & CO. SINCE 1853.
Zac in Standard t
HOW I DRESS NOW
ON WEARING WHAT YOU WANT TO WEAR, SAYING WHAT YOU WANT TO SAY, AND THE IMPORTANCE OF A LITTLE GUMPTION
My take on how to dress is this: Wear what you want to wear. Do actually mean to say, Its Saturday and I dont care how I look, and what you want to do. Be who you are. Pick out your own clothes. Be I dont care what you think of how I look, and I dont care if I ever a man. And if thats too much to ask, as it almost always is for me, have sex again. think of someone you consider to be a man and pretend to be like You might really mean that. But youd better think about what him. I pretend to be like my dad. youre saying, because everyone else is. The idea that we humans My father never wavered in the mornings as he stared into his are good-natured, politically correct, nonjudgmental beings is pure closet. He plunged his arm inside with condence and came out fantasy. We are, at the very least, judgmental. with just the right suit or shirt or slacks. My rst lessons in getting My next lessons in how to dress came from classmates in parochidressed, in guring out that it somehow matters what you decide to al school. The time-honored, behavior-modifying method of ridiwear on a given day, came from watching him, from watching how culing and instilling a sense of shame were not spared at Trinity Luintently he studied his image in the mirror and meticulously tied theran School in Klein, Texas. A sweater, a boy said in a loud voice the full-Windsor knot he preferred, how carefully he folded down in front of the whole class as I walked into my second-grade classthe collar of his neatly pressed shirt, and how, when he had n- room on an early October day and heard everyone laughing. In my ished, he would sweetly press his freshly shaved face against mine. defense, my desk was by the always-open window, and it was getSee? hed say. Smooth, telling me, in effect, thats how you do it. ting cooler, and it was a new sweater I was eager to wearan offHow my dad dressed for work was important. He (and my mom) white cable-knit V-neck. I loved that sweater. I didnt wear it again worked for 40 years for the Humble Oil and Rening Company, the until it was freezing, three months later. Texas-based company that merged with Standard Oil of New Jersey In my early 20s, Searcy Bond, who owned a hamburger joint I used and became Exxon in the 70s. Humble was a conservative place. It to play at on Sunday nights, once asked me if Id lost a bet. I asked wouldnt have served him to have pushed the fashion envelope at him what he meant, and he pointed at my shirt and suggested that work, even in the 70sto have worn a psychedelic tie or scarf, or Id been forced to wear it as payment for a wager gone wrong. Why too wide of a lapel, much less bell-bottoms or a white would anyone wear a shirt like that if they didnt have belt or white shoes or a leisure suit. It wouldnt have to was his implication. But thats how you learn. Ridserved him to do anything to call attention to himicule and shame dont get much of a chance in these self for any reason other than his exemplary work. sensitive times, which makes learning about how to He knew that. Dad often told me, My job is to help dress that much more difcult. my boss do his job and make him look good. Fashion is communication, plain and simple. I dont That was my dads objective. Everything about the mean to sound as though Im telling you something way he conducted himself was to communicate supyou dont already know, because any self-respecting port for his superiors and respect for his coworkers. man with even a little common sense knows exactThe way he dressed was his starting point in that ly what hes saying and to whom hes saying it as he communication. So now, when I stare into my closgets dressed in the morning. We all wear uniforms of et, I think, How I dress depends on what I want to say. This fall, Lovett is joining with sorts that allow us to be accepted. Theres no shame Hamilton Shirts to update Youre saying something with your appearance in that. That we have the gumption to clean up and, the companys classic westwhether you mean to or not, so you may as well mean ern as we stare into our closet, care about how well look shirt. Lyle Lovett Western ($265) by Hamilton Shirts. to. For example, on a weekend morning, you might shows were trying to put our best foot forward.
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F O R S T O R E I N F O R M AT I O N S E E P A G E 2 1 2 .
TOP: PHOTOGRAPH BY MISTY KEASLER
ANXIETY
PA R A N O I D M U C H ?
I L LU ST R AT I O N BY J A M E S V I C TO R E
THE EMPIRE OF
When Michelle is taking Sasha and Malia to tennis on Saturday afternoons, Barack heads to the ofce, claiming he has work to do, and secretly watches Homeland. Thats what the president told Damian Lewis at a White House state dinner, anyway, and I think it must be something more than attery. Has there ever been a show more in tune with its times, more absolutely plugged into the zeitgeist, than Homeland? Its the denitive show about the empire of anxiety America has created for itself. Homelands third season begins this month, with ex-marine and terrorist sympathizer Nicholas Brody hiding out in Canada and CIA agent Carrie Mathison trying to clear his name. The plot At a White House dinner, the details are much less interesting actor Damian Lewis asked than the psychological portraits Obama if he wouldnt mind keeping him posted on any of the two leads: the devoted upcoming foreign-policy agent struggling with madness activities. Ill be sure to do that, said the president. and the ex-marine with a com-
pletely broken identity. The show spins fascination out of twin fearsthe fear of terrorism and the fear of those who are prosecuting the war against terrorism, yet its something more than a psychological thriller. Its a show about how terrifying it is that psychology matters, that all thats keeping the world from the next disaster is fragile, damaged people. Unfortunately, the anxieties of U. S. antiterror ofcials arent just material for television shows. Americas actual drone policies are based explicitly on how worried its agents are. Killing anywhere in the world is legal so long as an informed, high-level ofcial of the U. S. government has determined that the targeted individual poses an imminent threat of violent attack against the United States. Imminent threat can mean anything, of course. The NSA surveillance program is operating under this same limitless anxiety. All information must be available, You are being watched. So now theres Surv, an app because who knows what is being in development that uses plotted out there, somewhere, any- crowdsourcing to tell you which cameras (all where? Despite what Obamas crit- exactly of them) are watching you ics claim, the surveillance program when (all the time).
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1 Announcing the Kentucky Derby race is about to begin 2 Guests cheering on their favorite horse 3 Makers Mark Bourbon Mint Juleps, a Derby must-have 4 Mot & Chandon Champagne bar 5 Guests enjoying Nat Sherman Cigars 6 Chef Andrew Zimmern (right) with guests 7 Benjamin Bennet, Frank Giordano, Ben Schott, Sarrah Candee, Kristen DeLuca, Brian Canlis 8 Eleven Madison Parks Chef Daniel Humm and Will Guidara, Event Hosts 9 Brooklyns The Defibulators bluegrass music kept guests moving throughout the event
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LAST YEAR, TEN AMERICANS WERE KILLED BY INTERNATIONAL TERRORISM You are You are You are
THE CHANCES YOU WILL DIE
IN A FIRE.
TO BE MURDERED.
You are times as likely to die
FROM DROWNING.
DSM-5, the encyclopedia of psychiatric disorders. The most vexing questions its authors faced: How do we define paranoia in an era when everyone has reason to be paranoid?
times as likely to die
416
You are
You are
85
FROM AN INJURY AT WORK.
IN A GUN ACCIDENT.
You are
IN AN ALCOHOLRELATED ACCIDENT.
2,626
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Stephen Marche writes regularly on The Culture Blog (esquire.com/blogs/culture).
FROM A DRUG IN A CAR is not the result of some overzealous, powerFROM A FALL. OVERDOSE. ACCIDENT. mad executive branch. People want it. Even after the Edward Snowden leaks, 48 percent of Americans approved of it. Anxiety has become a far more powerful force than the desire for privacymore pow- worse hurricane a few years after that. And what will the world erful than Americas founding principles of individual rights and be like when New York City is destroyed? And what are we supdue process. Anxiety justies anything. Anxiety overrules law posed to do about it? Nobody knows. itself. It is truly imperial. Instead of confronting the many crushing anxieties our moEven the crudest cost-benet analysis shows how irratio- ment is faced with, a secretive army pores over the phone recnal the anxieties are. In 2012, only ten American civilians died ords of the whole world looking for an angry example of Stone worldwide from international terrorism. Between September Age cave dwellers who might attempt an impotent assault on one 11 and the death of Osama bin Laden, the United States spent of our cities. Those enemies really exist, of course. In the latest $1.28 trillion prosecuting the war on terror. You are 3,468 times edition of the controversial DSM-5 (released this past spring), as likely to die from a car accident as from an attack, 2,663 times the Bible for shrinks, its authors changed the denition of soas likely to die from a fall, 356 times as likely to die from drown- cial-anxiety disorder in a small but crucial way. Phobias used to ing. You are 416 times as likely to die from an injury at work as require that their sufferers know their anxiety to be excessive at the hands of a terrorist. For an ultimately negligible increase or unreasonable. That condition has been removed: Instead, in public safety, ancient values have been abandoned and huge the anxiety must be out of proportion to the actual danger or quantities of blood and treasure have been expended. In a hun- threat in the situation, after taking cultural contextual factors into dred years, historians of this period will be amazed at the lu- account. American psychiatry has accepted this old piece of dicrous outpouring of resources to prevent a few thousand wisdom: You can be paranoid and right at the same time. murders while all around the world the poor and hungry die. Homeland is not merely about a few mentally disturbed CIA The psychological mechanism agents; its about the insanity that underpins the war on terror in is obvious, a classic case of a pho- its entiretypeople driven beyond all sensible limits by a loombia, creating a specic fear to hide ing sense of dread they cant control. Obama must recognize from a general, more all-encom- himself in the show: Ultimately, he is the high-level ofcial who passing sense of dread. Terror- determines what constitutes an imminent threat, the worrierism has the great narrative ad- in-chief. As season three begins, vantage of having good guys and I imagine him popping a Nicorbad guys involved in dramatic ette, which hes been known to scenes. The real crises are much chew, and mouthing the words more boring and present no Zero that he himself speaks over the Dark Thirtystyle solutions. The opening credits. Its almost too coming storm is no longer a meta- perfect: the man who has overphor. Next summer, a hurricane will seen the creation of a surveillance Our communities are defined The blackout following Hurricane Sandy was not come and destroy part of New York state watching the show about by the secrets we are willing keep and the secrets we are an anomaly. It is the first of City. Or, if not next year, the year af- how insane it all is. What could to not willing to keep. This is a many to comeblackouts man without a country. that will be even worse. ter. And then there will be an even be crazier than that?
2,663
4,024
3,468
S O U R C E S: C E N T E R S FO R D I S E A S E C O N T R O L A N D P R E V E N T I O N ; STAT E D E PA RT M E N T.
262
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A USEFUL GUIDE TO
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Everyone is so damn mindful these days. Doing yoga and meditation, having alone time. Sounds like gloried napping. Until you discover that a few minutes of meditation a day can lower blood pressure, promote stress-relieving neuroplasticity, combat autoimmune diseases, reduce anxiety, and even make you a nicer person. No joke. And you dont have to go to an ashram or join a cult or anything like that. In fact, theres this app you can get. . . .
FIND THESE RELAXING STORIES INSIDE: A CALL TO ACTION, BY A MEDICAL DOCTOR (FROM HARVARD!), P. 130 // SCOTT RAAB FINDS INNER PEACE, P. 132 // FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS, P. 134 // HOW TO DO IT AT HOME, P. 130 // AND PROOF THAT IT WORKS, STARTING ON THE NEXT PAGE.
* B Y WAY O F M I N D F U L N E S S , W H I C H AC T UA L LY J U S T M E A N S M E D I TAT I O N .
127
THE ESQUIRE GUIDE TO MINDFULNESS
TRY THIS AT HOME!
A CALL TO ACTION
BY DR. HERBERT BENSON
PROFESSOR OF MEDICINE, HARVARD MEDICAL SCHOOL, AND DIRECTOR EMERITUS, BENSON-HENRY INSTITUTE FOR MIND BODY MEDICINE
Dont know how to meditate? Neither did we! So we asked Andy Puddicombe, the cofounder of meditation-for-themasses company Headspace and the voice on its mobile app (see The Mindfulness Project, page 132), to write this basic script. (Learn more at getsomeheadspace.com.) This is a daily practice thats simple enough for anyone to incorporate into their everyday existence, but substantial enough to change their experience of life, says Puddicombe. Ask a friend to read it to you slowly, setting a timer for ten minutes. It would help if this friend had a soothing voice, preferably with a British accent.
YOU SHOULD BE meditating every day. Stress evokes the flight-or-fight response. It increases your energy metabolism, heart rate, blood pressure, and rate of breathing. It triggers the secretion of adrenaline and noradrenaline, but because youre not running or fightingbecause, in fact, you are probably sitting at a desk or lying in bed not sleepingyour body cant use those hormones appropriately. And unused adrenaline puts you at an increased risk for a number of diseases and conditions anxiety, depression, insomnia, heart attacks, strokes, bowel disorders, infertility. These lead many people to take exces-
sive medications. But in fact, by some estimates, at least 60 percent and as many as 90 percent of doctor visits are for problems that start with stress. Now, we have within us a response opposite to the stress response. Its called the relaxation response, a physiologic, genetic set of changes that counteract stress. There are scores of ways to bring forth the relaxation response. One is meditation. Another is repetitive prayer. Yoga. Tai chi. They all seem to work the same way; mainly, they change the genes activity, turning off genes that cause problems with stress. Two steps bring forth the relaxation response. The first is a repetition. That repetition can
be a word, a sound, a prayer, a phrase, or even a repetitive movement. The second is seeing through other thoughts when they come to mind and returning to the repetition. Meditation breaks the chain of everyday thinking. Whether a mantra, a thought, a prayer, or a few minutes of ritualized quiet, these practices decrease heart rate, blood pressure, and rate of breath and create specific brain waves, and are wonderful in terms of dealing with stress and its ravages. To the extent that any ache or pain is being caused by stress, the relaxation response takes care of it. Literally millions of patients are now evoking it regularly. And people feel better.
> Sit with your hands resting in your lap or on your knees, keeping your back straight. > Your neck should be relaxed, with your chin slightly tucked in. > Unfocus your eyes, gazing into the middle distance. > Take five deep breaths, breathing in through the nose and out through the mouth. > On the last exhalation, allow your eyes to close. > Slowly settle into your body. Observe your posture and notice the sensations where your body touches the chair and your feet meet the ground. > Feel the weight of your arms and hands resting on your legs. > Acknowledge your senses: Notice anything you can smell, hear, or taste; sensations of heat, cold, or wind. > Turn your mind inward. Scan your body from head to toe, observing any tension or discomfort. > Scan again, this time noticing which parts of the body feel relaxed. Spend twenty seconds on each scan.
M E D I TAT I O N I S E M P I R I C A L LY G O O D F O R YO U
STRONGER IMMUNE SYSTEM: In a University of Wisconsin study, 25 people took an eightweek mindfulness course. Researchers then injected them and 16 control participants with a flu vaccine. The mindful group generated more antibodies in response to the virus. CHEAPER HEALTH CARE: In a 2011 study published in the American Journal of Hypertension, patients experienced a 28% cumulative decrease in physician fees after an average of five years of practicing transcendental meditation. IMPROVED SLEEP: Mindfulness training can decrease the time it takes to fall asleep and improve sleep time and efficiency to a degree comparable to taking three milligrams (the maximum dose) of Lunesta, a sleep drug, according to a recent University of Minnesota study.
TRY THIS AT HOME!
Continued
THE MINDFULNESS PROJECT

A MOROSE AND SKEPTICAL MAN TRIES TO FIND PEACE, TEN MINUTES AT A TIME
BY S C OT T R A A B
IVE BEEN AWARE for a long time that my default version of mindfulnessrelentless hypervigilance spiked liberally with dreadisnt the optimal recipe for living a balanced life. A dash of OCD, a touch of bipolar disorder, a sprinkling of sociopathy, a heavy dusting of addiction: Mix constantly and serve piping hot. Feeds exactly one raging asshole. Medication, self- and prescribed, can helpat least a little, for at least a little while. Same with talk therapy. Movement, in the guise of exercise or not, is fine and free medicine. Sex. A sandwich. Sex and a sandwich. Whatever it takes, whatever the tradeoff, simply to hush, if only for a few minutes, the howling life of the mind. Meditation? Never really tried it. I did go to a meeting of folks interested in transcendental meditation in 1984, in Iowa City. The presenter brought a tall stack of studies proving TMs beneficence. It was a sales pitch, nothing more. I didnt buy it then. Im not buying it now. I reject grandiose claims to lifealtering shazam of any sort. We humans live and grow and die in tiny, hard-won increments. At best. You might suspect, thencorrectlythat I didnt start the My Headspace ten-day program expecting to whiff satori. Offered as a beginners guide to practicing step-by-step no-religiosity-attached meditationand as a portal to Headspace.com and a wide range of programs, products, and services its available as a free app and costs nothing more
than ten minutes a day. I have ten minutes a day. You do, too. According to the NSA, everyone reading these words wastes, on average, ten minutes per hour on the interwebs searching for artisanal C4 and browsing the same old jihadi sites. Youre not too busy to get quiet, to breathe, toin the words of Andy Puddicombe, Headspace cofounderstep back and allow calm and ease to arise. I know, I know. Sounds a little...gooey. For the full effect, you ought to see and hear it delivered by Puddicombe, a former Tibetan monk and circusarts major whose shaved head and boyish grin fairly glow, at least on my iPhone screen, with a sweet serenity unfueled by any visible body fat. But his fundamental messagemeditation is a skill, and takes practiceis inarguable, and I found on day one that the breathing exercises alone buoyed and refreshed what passeth for my spirit. By day three, I was hungry for ten minutes spent letting go of the noise between my ears, and more aware that somewhere, not so distant, lay some pool of clarity. Not so deep, maybe, but nothing to sneeze at. Im still making a daily effort to meditate, without signing up officially. Im not telling you that anything like magic is happening. Work still feels like work, the Platos Cave of marital concord remains fitfully lit, and Im apparently going to stay my own worst enemy. Im okay with all of that. And more relaxed. A bit. I think.
> Then turn your awareness to your thoughts. Notice the ones that arise without attempting to alter them. > Consider why youre sitting today. You may realize youre hoping to stop your thoughts remind yourself its impossible to do this. > Next, observe the rising and falling sensation your breathing creates in the body. Notice where the sensations occur, whether theyre in your stomach, chest, or shoulders. > Focus on the quality of each breath, noticing whether the breaths are deep or shallow, long or short, fast or slow. > Its normal for thoughts to bubble up at this moment, so simply guide your attention back to the breath when you realize your mind has started to wander. > Silently count your breaths as they pass: one as you inhale, two as you exhale, three on the next inhalation, and four on the exhalation, until you reach ten. > Then start again at one. > Let go of any focus on the breath now. Spend thirty seconds just sitting. You may be inundated with thoughts or feel calm and focusedjust let your mind be as it is. > Become aware of the physical feelingsthe chair beneath you, your feet on the floor, your arms and hands in your lap. Notice anything you can hear, smell, taste, or feel. > Slowly open your eyes. > Form a clear idea about what youre going to do next, like brushing your teeth or e-mailing your boss. Its easy to jump up off the seat and lose the calm youve just created. Carry this awareness with you to the next activity.
M E D I TAT I O N I S E M P I R I C A L LY G O O D F O R YO U
LOWER BLOOD PRESSURE: Researchers from the University of Kentucky found that regular practice of transcendental meditation can reduce systolic blood pressure by about 4.7 mmHg and diastolic blood pressure by 3.2. HEALTHIER HEART: In a Maharishi University study of black patients with heart disease, those who meditated had a 48% lower risk during the study period for mortality, myocardial infarction, and stroke, and 24% lower risk for cardiovascular mortality, revascularizations, and hospitalizations. GOOD GENES: A Massachusetts General Hospital study found that relaxed response practicemeditation, deep breathing, yoga inhibits the expression of genes that activate inflammatory response and pathways linked to cancer. JESSIE KISSINGER
Scan here with Netpage to experience three meditation sessions created by Headspace exclusively for Esquire. Or visit esquire.com/meditation.
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coauthor of Power Up Your Brain: The Neuroscience of Enlightenment. That is, there are physical, functional, metabolic changes that happen in the brain not only during the process of meditation, but remain residual after the process has been completed. SUCH AS? Brain cells used or affected in a certain way can affect the cells around them, forming what are called neural networks. Its not just how does one nerve cell work but how does it get along and communicate with its neighbors? says Perlmutter. The changes weve seen on the brain scans of the individuals who meditate are observable manifestations of that process of forming new networksof nerve cells joining to other nerve cells, which is by definition neuroplasticity. The more you watch bad things on television, or read the evening news about all the horrible things that are happening around you, the more your brain becomes a conduit for negativity. The corollary is also true. The more you decide to look at things in a positive way, the easier it will be to stay positive. DO REGULAR PEOPLE DO IT, OR JUST MONKS AND WOMEN? Jack Dorsey, cofounder of Twitter and Square, meditates. Jack Dorsey is a billionaire. In fact, a lot of successful men meditate. Marc Benioff, CEO of Salesforce.com, has written about it. At least three editors at Esquire probably meditated today. Meditation allows me to focus. It removes the clutter that interferes with the actual thought process, says Roger Berkowitz, CEO of Legal Sea Foods, which has thirty-two restaurants, four thousand employees, and revenues of more than $200 million. Before, I could wrestle with a problem for a long time. After I started meditating, I could zero in on the solution almost instantaneously. So meditation doesnt make me smarter, but it helps me connect the dots faster. You see the problem clearly, and you see a solution clearly. I HAVE A LOT ON MY MIND. WHAT IF I CANT CONCENTRATE? Dont worry about it. You cannot mess this up. Thoughts will enter your mind (see Thoughts I Hope Dont Creep into My Head While Im Trying to Meditate, right), and thats okay. Meditation is the least stressful activity a man can engage in, and much cheaper than blood-pressure medication.
THOUGHTS I HOPE DONT CREEP INTO MY HEAD WHILE IM TRYING TO MEDITATE

BY A.J. JACOBS
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

AND CALMLY CRAFTED ANSWERS
IS MEDITATION WHAT I THINK IT IS? Yes and no, probably. It does entail quiet time with yourself, focus on breathing, and stillness, both mentally and physically. But theres no belief system, no chanting, and no dogma. You can wear whatever you want and do it wherever youre comfortable. But not while driving, because you have to close your eyes. WHY DO I NEED TO MEDITATE? Because if youre like most people, you are overworked and stressed out. People wake up in the morning and go full charge until they sleep at night. Their automatic nervous system is going all day, which leads to whats called sympathetic overload, says Dr. George Kessler, an osteopath, attending physician at New York-Presbyterian Hospital, and clinical instructor at Weill Cornell Medical College. Testosterone goes down. Cholesterol goes up. The thyroid is affected. Kessler routinely recommends daily meditation for high blood pressure. HOW, EXACTLY, DOES IT LOWER STRESS? For one thing, meditation lengthens telomeres, the ends of chromosomes that contain genes, says Kessler. So when you have a genetic illness, to have the disease, you have to express that gene. For certain illnesses, the longer the telomeres are, the less likely you are to express it. For people who have high blood pressure, up to 80 percent of what we call central hypertension can be regulated and controlled by meditation. Anxiety attacks, panic attacks, autoimmune diseases like lupus, asthmaall can be helped by meditation. Its not a matter of mind over matter. Its a matter of the mind does matter. The body listens to the mind. DOES IT TAKE LONG? Ten minutes a day. But you have to do it every day. DO THE BENEFITS EXTEND BEYOND THOSE TEN MINUTES? Meditation can put a stamp on your brain that remains active when youre not meditating, says Dr. David Perlmutter, a neurologist and the
Im meditating. Meditating. Got to calm the ol monkey mind. My mind is not going to act like a monkey. No more masturbating and tossing feces for this mind. Who was the first person to put human clothes on monkeys? That guy must have been a genius. The Louis C.K. of his day. Meditating, meditating. I wonder if Fletch holds up. Breathe from the diaphragm. You never hear about diaphragms anymore. Its all condoms and morning-after pills. Maybe thats just because Im old and married. When am I going to stop thinking about vaginas when I hear the word diaphragm? And 69. When will I see the number 69 on a Verizon bill and not think of oral sex? Maybe when Im sixtynine. Remember when Downton Abbey used the word underbutler? Wonder what Cher is tweeting now. Breathe. Maybe Google Glass will have a meditation app. You can get Zen points or something. Man, Im bored. How often do they clean these meditation pillows? Lotus position kind of hurts. And position. When will I hear position and not think missionary? Do dogs ever do it nondoggie-style? That would be a good New Yorker cartoona conservative dog who wants to do it missionary style. I shouldnt have had that chicken tikka masala. I bet Cleopatra was a butterface. Breathe in. Breathe out. The ol in-andout. Dammit.
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the best parts of being an adult is occasionally letting your inner hooligan run things. This is a direct heir to the original M5 in everything but name: violently fast, a little unexpected, looks like nothing youve ever seen. The industry calls the BMW a four-door coupe, words that help sell cars but otherwise mean squat. (Coupes have two doors by denition; calling a four-door sedan a coupe because it looks amazing is like naming a ham sandwich Frank because you dressed it up in your best friends shirt.) All you really need to know is that the M6 Gran Coupe is gutachingly gorgeous, which is why it exists. It shares the twin-turbo, 560-hp V-8 under its hood with BMWs current
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Like a lot of things worth having, this isnt for everyone. If you just want the sex-drizzled sheet metal, you can go for BMWs less expensive 650i Gran Coupe, which drives nicely but eliminates the batshit engine. If you just want that mindwarping motor, theres the more affordable and subtler M5 four-door. If you want to feel like you just married a supermodel with a doctorate in applied physics and a James Beard Award, this is your bogey. At $113,925, the M6 Gran Coupe is expensive, but given its talents, its a relative bargain. If you can afford it, pull the trigger. If you cant, consider selling your house. Or your children if you dont have a house. This thing is glory, beauty, fun, evil. And unstoppable. SA M S MI TH
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When you stare at an Aston Vanquish, one of two things will happen: You will gawp and think, Jesus, that isnt a car; its lust personified and roaring and I have never seen anything like it and I want it now. Or you will think, perhaps with a bit of reservation, That is nice, but it also looks like every other Aston, humph. If you are the first person, then you are sane. (Congratulations.) If you are the second, then you know a bit about the car industry, but you are jaded and have lost your mind. Its true that Aston Martin has made all of its cars according to the same basic proportions and styling language for the past two decades. And its true that the Vanquish, while new for 2014, has a 565-hp V-12 whose basic design is more than ten years old. To hell with all of that. A pretty, heartbreakingly expensive car is a joy forever. This costs $282,820. It is not for those who follow the whims of fashion; it just is. And it is spectacular. S.S.
The SVT Raptor is not the kind of pickup you buy to move thirty sheets of drywall from Home Depot. Contractors wont appreciate its five-and-a-half-foot bed, 980-pound maximum payload, or 6,000-pound towing capacity, which puts it in the same league as a V-6-powered Toyota Tacoma. But what lesser trucks wont allow you to do is elicit the tormented moan of thirtyfive-inch off-road tires peeling off a slab of asphalt as the 411 hp and 434 lb-ft of pure Dee-troit torque courses through the drivetrain. Inside, the console is wide enough to house a dorm fridge, and your front passenger might as well be in the car next to you. All modern trucks have the interior comfort and convenience features that used to be limited to luxury cars, but only one has the badass looks of this street brawler. With Fox racing shocks, cast-aluminum suspension components, and more than eleven inches of suspension travel up front, the Raptor comes ready for punishment. You can feel every inch of that boingy suspension when you dive into a corner, with the body lurching over its wheels like a circus bear on a fitness ball. With the massive off-road tires, you wont carve through corners; youll eliminate them entirely by just rolling over curbs. This is a truck that goads you on to do things youd never do in any other vehicle this side of a Humvee. Youll want to park it on top of things rather than next to them. There are way better muscle cars and way better pickup trucks, but theres nothing currently on the road that combines the best attributes of both. The 2014 Ford F-150 SVT Raptor is big, loud, obnoxious, and uniquely American, like the solo in Free Bird. All its missing is the screaming chicken on the hood. C R A I G F I TZG E R A L D
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THE SPECS
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ercedes first introduced the original Gelndewagen, or cross-coun-
try vehicle, for military sales in 1979. Much of it survives unchanged in the 2014 Mercedes-Benz G63 AMG, meaning Mercedes, that great purveyor of the highest tech, is now selling a car old enough to rent its own car. Ah, and the most insane bits of all: the archaic styling, the modern 536-hp V-8, and the $135,205 price tag. Its the preservation of so much old that makes the G63 so charming. The steering is heavy, the cabin impossibly cramped. The buttons and switchgear are in themselves a timeline of Mercedes-Benz interiors, installed where they can t even if that leaves symbols cockeyed. Nowadays, youll rarely nd so upright a seating position and near-vertical windshield, which offers a commanding view. That 5.5-liter V-8, borrowed from truly sporty AMG models, like the E63, propels the G63 with terrifying force. Handling is sure-footed and surprisingly decent in the suburbs, where G63s will live. But compromises abound. Twenty-inch wheels make for an often-harsh ride; highway noise is ample. Make no mistake though: Driving the G63 is a drug. While the gas pedal enables physics-shearing acceleration, mashing it delivers a brutal, roaring boom from the exhaust pipes mounted on each side of the truck. An epiphany arrives: Holy crap. I am Thor, God of Thunder. Even an impoverished octogenarian monk would drive the G63 with vulgar arrogance. From a leather throne, youll be surveying the other motorists in mere cars below, and passing anyone, any time, for any reason. You may nd yourself making U-turns wherever it pleases you or remarking that turn signals are for losers. You may see a lot of your local trafc cops. This isnt how cars were in the good ol days, when boys were men and men were James Coburn. Its a million times better. Two days a week. JUSTIN BERKOWITZ
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AND IF THE POLITICIANS HAVE THEIR WAY, THE SECURITY OF THE WORLD TRADE CENTER WILL BE SERIOUSLY COMPROMISED. THE FOREMOST WRITER ON THE REBUILDING OF GROUND ZERO ASKS THE QUESTION: WHO WILL PROTECT THE BUILDINGS IN THE CROSSHAIRS?
P H OTO G R A P H BY J O E WO O L H E A D
I walked the World Trade Center memorial plaza not long ago as a touristone of the eight million or so whove come since the plaza opened on 9/11/11. It was noon on a Monday of tropical humidity and fat rain; street vendors were hawking umbrellas along with the usual schlock, and the smokers huddling under each building facade en route to Ground Zero stank like wet mutts. Youre not supposed to call it Ground Zero anymore. The phrase is ne in reference to Hiroshima, its place of origin, but it bums folks out here in downtown Manhattan. Not everyone, but the real estate agents for sure, and plenty of the neighborhood residents and some of the bridge-and-tunnel commuters toiling here. Whatever you call those sixteen acres, though, 9/11 remains fresh, a daily memory. In Glen Ridge, the north-Jersey town I call home, the tablet sitting in a square of shrubbery by the stairs to the N. Y. C. train, chiseled with the names of the seven locals who never came home that evening, is anked by three American ags, suddenly planted just after Osama bin Laden was bagged and buried at sea, the one and only clear-cut battle won so far in a war of fog that lifts and falls and lifts and falls again, a winding sheet forever rising from Ground Zero. Likewise the Freedom Tower, which was ofcially branded 1 World Trade Center in 2009 by the Port Authority of New York and New Jersey, the supragovernmental agency running the major bridges and tunnels and airports that connect the world to New York City. The PA owns the World Trade Center, always has. Created in 1921 to forge an economic peace between two states bonded by mutual dependency and hostility, its the embodiment of a quaint idea: You can separate politics from power by appointing nonpoliticians from each state to serve the regions common good. It sort of worked, at least until the PA entered the real estate business in the sixties, when it seized these sixteen acres and built the Twin Towerswhich had zero to do with bridges, tunnels, or airports, and which took decades to ll with paying tenants. Having learned nothing from the past, the PA now boasts the planets priciest ofce tower$4 billion for 2.6 million square feetstanding where the Twins were truckbombed eight years before they were vaporized, a fact that prompted the PA to declare, in 2006, that in light of such a tragic history, the PA would not site its own headquarters in its own crown jewel, aka the Freedom Tower. Despite the reverse-marketing mojo, The Wall Street Journal ran a story the week before I visited the memorial about how tough it is to get people to stop calling it the Freedom Tower. Whatever the impetus for this absurd attempt at rebrandingIts an ofce building and not a memorial and not a monument, moaned one of the real estate mavens working with the Port to sign tenantsits utter failure is a rich tribute to George Pataki, who clocked twelve years as governor of New York and vanished into the ether the very day he left ofce, devoid of legacy beyond the name he bestowed upon the skyscraper hed hoped would prove his presidential timber. Pataki came up with the Freedom Tower moniker in 2003, while he was pledging that the building would be ready by 2006. If youre a gambler, the PA is now saying itll open the joint in early 2015. Still, speaking as a tourist, not a guy whos spent the past eight years writing about the rebuilding, the whole place looks fabulous. Seriously. The 1 World Trade Center stretches to memorial alone is eight acres, the beating the sky over New heart and open soul of the new trade center, York. In an uncertain two vast pools, each bordered by parapets world, one things for with the names of the murdered cut from sure: Its not a question of if but when. their bronze, two wounds carved within the
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footprints of the fallen Twins, two voids of water falling thirty feet with a steady, whispered roar that drowns out all other New York City noise. Across the plaza from the north pool, fenced off, the Freedom Tower soars 1,776 feetthe number a smack-dab symbol that made Pataki swoon. Fashioned as a modern obelisk, beveled on each corner, turning as it climbs, a spare and simple marker and an object presence in a skyline ripped empty of everything but loss: To see itup therebent me backward, and I fumbled with my phone to snap a photo. In doing so, I stood my briefcase on a parapet, and a guard stepped out of nowhere and asked me to remove it. I think he called me sir; I know that I apologized and moved a few steps back from the tower and set my briefcase on the gray paving stones, and then I spotted Robert Colls name among the others on the panel where Id stopped. He lived just around the corner with his wife and two small children and worked in the South Tower, on the eighty-fourth oor, and died right here on 9/11 at the age of thirty-ve. We didnt know the family beyond a literal nodding acquaintance, and not long after 9/11, his widow and the kids were gone, and that was that. But that is never only that, particularly not in New York City. All around, under their umbrellas, pushing strollers, hobbling on canes, speaking tongues Ive never heard, hundreds of pilgrims from every pinprick on the globe have joined here for an hour or two. Last time I came here, a few weeks before its opening, the young architect who designed it, Michael Arad, said he wanted it to be an urban parknot only a memorial but a place of community. Its going to really be powerful once people are a part of it, he said. Once people come here, itll make this place alive again. Absolutely right. For all the scarred solemnitythe hush of water arcing forever downward in the space where the Twin Towers stood and fell; the found poetry and mortal pain of three thousand names carved from glowing bronze; the new tower, looming; the weeping, sunless skyfor all of this, the citys pulse is throbbing here again. After so long years of pissant politicians mouthing baldfaced lies, of siphoned dreams and wasted dollarsNew York City is a smaller world now than ever, and an even softer target. Including right here.
The rebuilding of Ground Zero has been an ugly fight over every last detail. Everything about the project from whether to rebuild at all to the type of memorial to the type of vegetation to be plantedhas been publicly adjudicated and, this being New York, at high volume. Except, that is, the matter that has made this city and this site a magnet for all the world and all the worlds terrorists, too: its openness, its welcoming nature, its vulnerability to future attack. And, of course, the efforts to keep this new global beacon secure. All of that has been talked about in secret. And those secret talks resulted in, among other things, a thorough redesignfrom Daniel Libeskinds early design (top, scuttled in 2005 by the NYPD) to David Childss more fortifiedand relocateddesign.
First time I visited Ground ZeroJune 2005it was barren slab-on-grade seventy feet below street level, Patakis pit. The governor, ignoring the recommendation of his appointed experts, had picked a rebuilding master plan that placed the Freedom Tower precisely at the worst possible location on these sixteen acres. Bad enough that the whole site sits only a few hundred feet from the Hudson Riverwhich is why the builders of the old trade center were forced to dig down seventy feet to reach bedrock strong
enough to support the Twins, and to create a concrete bathtub big enough to brace them against the rivers push and keep them dry. Bad enough, too, that the Port Authority Trans-Hudson commuter railroad threads through Ground Zero around the clock and every day of the week. Patakis plandevised by an architect whod never built a building taller than four storiesput the Freedom Tower at a spot closer to the Hudson, at a point where the train tracks converged, and a mere twenty-ve feet from West Street, a six-lane highway. This created quite the engineering challenge: Crews had to repair and reinforce the bathtubthree feet thickand engineers had to devise a way to plant the footings of the new tower around and between the tracks without shutting down service. Preparing the site took nine months. Meanwhile, on July 4, 2004, weeks before the Republican National Convention in, yes, New York City, Governor Pataki held a ceremony at Ground Zero, costarring with a twenty-ton block of granite etched with standard words of honor and tribute to those who died here. Today we lay the cornerstone for a new symbol of this city and this country, and of our resolve to triumph in the face of terror, he said. Today we build the Freedom Tower. You might think it odd, even worrisome,
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that no one seemed to sense that it might prove unwise to erect this colossal new symbol of U. S. resolve and triumph a few yards from a major thoroughfare abutting the same site that had been hit by terrorists twice before. But the NYPD sure as shit took notice, and tried reaching out to the Port Authority in August 2004. In a letter sent to the PA, the then-NYPD deputy commissioner for counterterrorism outlined his objections to the Freedom Towers proximity to West Street and asked for a sit-down. In response, the Port Authority . . . well, the PA, harrowed by the loss of more than eighty of its own employees on 9/11including its executive director and thirty-seven members of its police forcenev-
to fortify its core is the strongest ever mixed. But the most critical, fundamental part of protecting the World Trade Center from terrorist attack has little to do with engineering or architects. The 1993 truck-bomb blast didnt topple the North Towerand had the airlines heeded their security consultants and anted up for stronger ight-deck door locks back in the seventies, when their craft were often hijacked, a 9/11 scenario could never have unfolded. Its too late to defend Ground Zero against past attacks. What may come next is anybodys guess but every so-called terrorism expert Ive talked to agrees that, sooner or later, Ground Zero will be targeted again. Theyve attacked it twice, Peter Bergen
WHAT MAY COME NEXT IS ANYBODYS GUESS BUT EVERY SO-CALLED TERRORISM EXPERT IVE TALKED TO AGREES THAT, SOONER OR LATER,
er did respond to the NYPD. In early 2005, when the media rst caught wind of the matter, a Port spokesman claimed that the PA never received any such letter from the NYPD. Or maybe it had, but it was somehow lost. This wasnt humdrum bureaucratic bullshit; this was the PAand Patakitelling the city to drop dead. Youll get these sixteen acres when they pry them from our cold dead handswhich, more or less, was precisely the NYPDs point. Stonewalled by the Port, the NYPD met with the real estate developer who held the lease on the World Trade Center, and brought along consultants with no territorial axes to grind. Their consensus was that another attempted attack on the WTC over a ten-year time span was a certainty. George Pataki had no choice but to re-declare victory. Yes, the Freedom Tower could not safely be built as planned. Yes, a redesign would cost the rebuilding effort many months and millions of dollars. Yes, it was a huge embarrassment, not to mention an indictment of the PAs incompetence and dishonesty. And yes, Pataki pledged on May 4, 2005, he was looking ahead to another magnicent design that will once again inspire the nation and serve as a tting tribute to freedom. One swampy Friday morning in June 2006, I watched as a crane operator yanked the cornerstone onto a atbed truck. There a crew blanketed it with a dollar-store tarp, and away it went, gone from Ground Zero forever. No ceremony, no cameras, no PA press release and George Pataki was nowhere to be found.
ering and pondering Ground Zero has taught me anything worth calling wisdom, it boils down to this: Our national response to 9/11 has been disastrous. Think rst about how useful 9/11 has been to the politicians who trade in fear and piety, whose power at the federal level of our government has grown vast enough to include torture, indenite detention, secret surveillance of the citizenry en masse approved by a secret court, and the program of inicting death by drone despite the collateral damage, human and political. Im not suggesting any conspiracy to bring down the World Trade Center beyond that enacted by Al Qaeda. Im not talking about any black helicopters or Hollywood fantasy. Im referring to the damage done
GROUND ZERO WILL BE TARGETED AGAIN.

to America not by terrorists but by our own response to one horric attackwhich, by the way, was but another version of what people around the world have gone and still go through. Gutting the values and principles that we like to think dene us as an exceptional nationyou know, that whole Bill of Rights dealisnt the response of a country condent in its freedom. Its the cowardice of a nation too fractured by fear to face the truth about the human condition: Were always vulnerableall of us, together and alone. It takes courage to accept that vulnerability and not let it rule our lives, private and public. Thats exactly what the rebuilt World Trade Center demonstrates already, already lled with people courageous enough to embrace life and liberty as a matter of fact, not foofaraw. In short: Americans.
The Freedom Tower as built is, per NYPD recommendations, about one hundred feet from West Street, and the concrete poured
said in 2008. And it seems a target in perpetuity. Somebody will try something, even if its some halfhearted attempt by somebody merely inspired by Al Qaeda. Bergens known best as a CNN nationalsecurity analyst, but his rsum also includes stints at NYUs Center on Law and Security and Harvards Kennedy School of Government. When I spoke with him about the rebuilding of Ground Zero, I asked if he himself would feel condent about its future safety. I wouldnt work there at all, he said. But thats just my personal feeling. Personal indeed. Standing only a few yards north of the Freedom Tower is a building known as 7 World Trade Center, a fty-twooor gem of an ofce towerdesigned by the same architect responsible for the Freedom Tower, David Childsoffering 1.7 million square feet of ofce space. It opened in May 2006, and each square foot is lled with people who somehow dont share Bergens feeling, or dont live their lives in fear. Thats New York City, kids. Full of folks who calculate their odds from dawn to dawn taxi? subway? local or express?and whose vigilance starts on the sidewalks. People still arrive here every day with no money, no English, and no doubt that theyll nd a way to survive and succeed. If eight years spent cov-
Its just this plain and simple: Safety at Ground Zero will primarily depend upon the agency responsible for its day-to-day security to plan and execute strategies of prevention and response. That aint rocket science or brain surgery; at the World Trade Center, its far more challenging a task than either of those things. Thats why its vital to review the post-9/11 dustups between the Port Au-
145
thority and the NYPDand to revisit the role politicians have played, and will continue to play, in deciding who guards Ground Zero. Start here: In 2008, the Port Authority and New York City negotiated an agreement to give the NYPD primary control of Ground Zero security instead of the Port Authority police, whose jurisdiction it had always been. This arrangement made sense for reasons obvious to anyone familiar with the city. The PAPD is bigthe forty-rst-largest police force in the U. S.and its seventeen hundred ofcers are paid far more than their NYPD counterparts while working shorter shifts. They police the airports, the bus terminal, the bridges, and the seaports, and over the course of decades they have earned an ignoble reputation, to put it kindly. A Republican candidate for New York City mayor put it far more harshly this past May, when he responded to a question about airport security by referring to the PAPD as nothing more than mall cops, which immediately triggered plenty of angry posturing by politiciansnearly all of whom invoked the memory of the thirty-seven PAPD ofcers slain on 9/11and speculation about whether the nations mall cops were sufciently organized to sue for defamation. The NYPD has about fty thousand employeesmore than the FBIincluding upwards of thirty-four thousand uniformed ofcers. It has focused on counterterrorism relentlessly and globally, with personnel stationed in Germany, France, and Israel. NYPD Commissioner Ray Kelly assured 60 Minutes that his department could, if necessary, blow an airplane out of the sky, which prompted New Yorks mayor, Mike Bloomberg, when asked about Kellys comment, to say the NYPD has lots of capabilities that you dont know about and you wont know about. This means of ghting terrorcreating an urban army complete with an intel arm that has already abused its power by conducting surveillance of citizens guilty of nothing more than practicing Islamsurely raises profound and urgent questions about what should and must be done to balance liberty and security and to cement civilian control of a military force camouaged as a police department. Still, if youre shufing papers in your cubicle at Ground Zero, such issues pale beside the one question of paramount importance: Wholl do a better job protecting your ass? That 2008 security deal reached by the city and the PA answered that question. The NYPD would create a World Trade Center
precinct staffed by six hundred city police ofcersmaking it the citys largest precinct each trained in counterterrorism. The NYPD would also design the overall scheme for securing the WTC, and it would control access to the site. The PAPD would be in charge of security at the Freedom Tower and the years-late PATH station, which, like the Freedom Tower, will cost almost $4 billion, nearly twice its initial price, by the time it nally opens, in 2015 or 2016. It took months to hammer out the deal,
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and doing so helped clear the logjam at Ground Zero, where the rebuilding has long been held hostage by the peculiarity of the sites relationship to the city. Like the Vatican, it is an entity both separate from New York City and a literal, integral part of it. The deal was announced in July 2008, after it was approved by the Port Authority Board of Commissioners, and signed the next month. So it was quite a shock, more than four years later, when Chris Christie, New Jerseys battering-ram governor, vowed to a cheering crowd that nevernot ever on my watch will there be any other police force who will patrol the new World Trade Center other than the Port Authority police. Somewhat less surprisingall right, much less surprisingChristie, running for his second term, was speaking to an audience of Port Authority police at an event held to announce that the PAPD union was ofcially endorsing none other than Chris Christie. Thats not New York City, kids. Thats New Jersey.
Nature abhors a vacuum; politicians love em. Chris Christie took charge of New Jersey from a rumpled suit containing a cipher named Jon Corzine; Christies tag-team partner in reweaponizing the Port Authority, New York governor Andrew Cuomo, inherited his big chair from David Paterson, a blind nonentity who happened to be serving as lieutenant governor when his boss, Eliot Spitzer, ed Albany due to excessive whoremongering. To men like Cuomo and Christieinsanely ambitious politicians whose eyes are forever on the next prizethe PA, including Ground Zero, is little more than a means to a discrete end: the acquisition of more power. This was no less true of George Pataki, too, but he was an amiable dunce. Both Cuomo and Christie are far more calculating, and both struggle to keep their meanness under wraps. Cuomo cost himself a chance to become governor in 2002 when he made sport of Patakis post-9/11 leadership by referring to him as the guy who stood behind Rudy Giuliani and held the leaders coat. Christie isnt nearly that nice; I once saw him take loud umbrage at and great delight in lambasting a high school lad at a town-hall meeting for the sin of asking Christie to explain why the governor sent his own children to private schools. The traditional exercise of Port Authority power calls for each governor to appoint six commissioners to its board. New Jerseys governor appoints the board chair, New Yorks names the executive director. All of the above are almost always hacks and/or cronies of one governor or the other. Board meetings and minutes are public, but voting is apparently discussed and arranged in advance and invariably unanimous. This system works out swell for the politicians, PA board members, and Ground Zero contractors. One New Jersey commissioner, who just so happens to chair its World Trade Center Redevelopment Subcommittee, also just so happens to run an engineering rm that just so happened to be in talks about getting bought by one of those Ground Zero contractors, even as the board was awarding hundreds of millions of dollars of work to said contractor, which may help explain why said New Jersey commissioner so frequently recuses himself as the PA board unanimously approves contracts that smell like bucknaked, balls-dangling conicts of interest. Which helps explain why the Port is slowlyvery, very slowlybuilding the most expensive train station in the history of the world to service a projected 50,000 riders per day, a number dwarfed by Penn Stations 600,000 daily ridersnot to mention the 750,000 who pass through Grand Central. The new PATH station is so much more
than a mere train station: It is the tribute paid to New Jersey, the price of doing business, the envelope packed with cash passed hand to hand. Not everyone can run for governor, but that neednt mean that friends of friends cant wet their beaks. Chris Christie and Andrew Cuomo are more than friendstheyre partners in the business of whats-in-it-for-me, and they faced two obstacles at Ground Zero: New York mayor Mike Bloomberg and the PAs executive director, Chris Wardwho just happened to be the same two guys who nailed
vid Paterson after Eliot Spitzer and his penis resigned in 2008, when the rebuilding was at its ugliest. The rst thing he did was start telling the truthabout budgets and timetables and the differences between a construction job, which is what the World Trade Center rebuilding was supposed to be, and a cow that could be milked for endless cash and political capital, which is what it had long since become. David Paterson had no political future or Ground Zero legacy to worry over, so he gave Ward power to operate as a CEOto cut the deals and red tape as necessary to plan and execute the build-out of a new World Trade Center. Ward negotiated with Freedom Tower tenants-to-be, worked with the PATH sta-
by the PA to perform the previous PA audit. Meanwhile, the 2008 security deal between the Port Authority and the NYPD struck by Ray Kelly and Chris Ward and signed by both mensleeps with the shes, wrapped around Patakis cornerstone.
MEANWHILE, THE 2008 SECURITY DEAL BETWEEN THE PORT AUTHORITY AND THE NYPD STRUCK BY RAY KELLY AND CHRIS WARD
down the Trade Center security deal in 2008. Bloombergs other sins were numerous. His NYPD spied on New Jerseyans. Hes heading the 9/11 Museum, a crucial, costly part of the memorial. He ran the anniversary ceremony on 9/11/11when the plaza openedand forbade the politicians from speechifying at the ceremony. Worst of all, Bloomberg won and wielded power free of political ideology or debt. Hes a billionaire who bought his ofce, including an illegal third term, and he seems to love not playing nice with politicians he has no reason to fear and doesnt respect. Bloomberg is doomed to obsolescence by term limits, but all that meant to Christie and Cuomotwo angry and impatient menwas an exposed jugular waiting to be slit. Using the PA as a straight edge and its cost as a cover, they killed construction work at the museum, which was scheduled to open on 9/11/12when Michael Bloomberg would still have held ofce and been able to take public credit for it. The museums now due to open in 2014after Bloomberg departs. No doubt Cuomo and Christie will host the ceremony, speak lovingly of the 9/11 dead and our nations core values, and wallow in glory. The crimes Chris Ward committed as the PAs executive director were manifold. He was not a hack or crony, but he had experience working at the PA, and at City Hall, and in the construction business. He holds a graduate degree in theological studies from Harvard. He is bright. He is articulate. He is both pragmatic and visionary, and he is devoid of political ambition. Naturally, Christie and Cuomo loathed him. Ward was appointed to lead the PA by Da-
In fty or a hundred years, wholl know? Hell, the old WTC broke ground in 1966 and never made it to forty. Ive come to love this place, nastiness included. Without all of thatthe political warfare, the money-grubbing, the perversions of honor and betrayals of trust well, Im unsure what youd have here, but it damn well wouldnt be New York City, the version of America I cling to and love best, where all the forces of hope, harmony, and a hot knish are still somehow in play, and esh still comes in every color and costume, right here and right nowwhich just happens to be the only time and place we ever truly have. Right now, right here, youve got hundreds
SLEEPS WITH THE FISHES, WRAPPED AROUND PATAKIS CORNERSTONE.

of pilgrims on line, waiting to get into the memorial. Were on a public street, a New York City street, a shufing bunch of bulls-eyes to anyone who may have bought a rie and shells upstate and driven to Ground Zero for a little headline hunting. Which is why the NYPD has a force of two-hundred-plus right here right now, keeping an eye on the place around the clock. Its anybodys guess whatll happen when Mike Bloomberg leaves ofce, or when Ray Kelly follows him out the door. Nobody knows how the battle over ofcial Ground Zero jurisdiction will play outnobodys paying much attention, what with A-Rods PED woes and all the excitement of Eliot Spitzer and Anthony Weiner, the dynamic duo of dick, running for ofce again. But thats New York, too. The city that never sleeps also has a serious attention-decit disorder. Meanwhile, what better place to be? This plaza, swept by rain and gouged by history. This town of endless tumult and tumbling dice. America: half preening oaf, half huckster, always at the table, all in. Were shooting craps down here, everyones invitedand the only losers are the fools who think they have anything to fear, or to lose.
tions architect to cut costs, showed up at community-board meetings and union rallies to explain and answer for the PAs decisions, andmost important of allWard pledged that the PA would nish the memorial plaza by the tenth anniversary of 9/11. By the time he made good on that promise, though, Chris Ward was a dead executive director walking, and everyone knew it, Ward included. Bloomberg himself had asked Cuomo to keep Ward on the job, which was the kiss of death. Once Cuomo took ofce in 2011, he cut the lines between Ward and the governors ofce. No meetings, phone calls, e-mails, or dead mackerel wrapped in newspaper and tied with twine. No replies to any of Wards attempts to communicate. Asked by the media about Wards freeze-out, Cuomos people simply put out a terse denial that the governor planned to dump Ward at this time. Not long after the tenth anniversary of 9/11, Chris Ward announced his resignation, a week after an announcement that governors Christie and Cuomo were ordering a $2-plus-million ass-covering audit of the Port Authority. This past June, the PA ordered yet another auditto investigate the billing practices of a consulting rm hired
IN A LAND FAR, FAR AWAY, BOX-OFFICE STAR, MATINEE IDOL, SUPERHERO INCARNATE, LEGITIMATE ACTORIS SITTING ON THE DECK, NO SHOES, EATING CHEESE AND FRUIT SERVED TO HIM BY HIS HOT WIFE, DRINKING A BEER, LISTENING TO THE BREEZE, WONDERING IF MAYBE HE COULD AFFORD THIS PLACE. FUCKER.
PHOTOGRAPHS BY MATTHIAS VRIENS-M CGRATH
CHRIS HEMSWORTH
BY TOM CHIARELLA
SEPTEMBER/PAGE 150
150 E S Q U I R E M O N T H 2
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at the beach. Chris Hemsworth is a black speck on the horizon, surng well past the point break, a mile, maybe two, off the coast. He can be seen clearly through the best binoculars. Hes out there looking for a good set of waves in between the choppychop, tearing into some monster shoulders, working his cutbacks just before the waves close out. Once he notes the time, sees the distant glint of the binocular lenses staring out at him, he starts in to shore. From that distance, he works a serpentine path, the rails of his board cutting a shimmering trail of bluewhite across the black surface of the Pacic, standing in what surfers call a soul arch, upright and sure, pulling a sloping weave between the kooks and the groms
alike, who look up at him with reverence, hair snapping behind him like a ag. Improbably, he takes the board all the way to the beach, gliding to a stop, where he steps off, unclips his leash, and jogs up on the sand to shake hands. You been at this all day? Its Saturday! he shouts, taking a last look at the roaring surf. What else would I want to do?
NAH. IT NEVER HAPPENED. Hemsworth doesnt surf on this Saturday. He doesnt even leave the house. Never puts on shoes, not once in seven hours, even though he talks about surng a lot and I hint that it would be great to do something besides sit on the deck. Instead he lounges above a deafening Pacic surf, drinks one single beer, picks at the plate of cheese, gs, and shelled pistachios his beautiful wife set out for him. Inside, then out, several times. Through it allbaby tending, furniture arranging, beer fetching, the ordering of pizza, hours of this and thatno shoes. He is standing against the glassed-in railing, watching the sun drop into the ocean, and I ask, Do you worry? Worry? His surprise at the question is genuine. Broadly speaking, Chris Hemsworthmost widely known as Thor, superhero star of franchise movies but soon to be more fully appreciated as the leading man in Ron Howards Formula One movie, Rushdoes not worry. Every-
S H I R T A N D T R O U S E R S B Y G U C C I ; S H O E S B Y C H U R C H S . P R E V I O U S P A G E : S U I T, S H I R T, A N D T I E B Y G U C C I . N E X T P A G E : S H I R T A N D T R O U S E R S B Y G U C C I ; T I E B Y E R N E S T A L E X A N D E R ; B E LT B Y T O D S .
thing about him sends a low-frequency, all-good signal to the world. This may be a matter of being Australian, being an Avenger, being father of a one-year-old. On the other hand, if hes missed something, if he should be worried, he wants to know. About what? A glance at his bare feet. Splinters? Broken glass? This makes him laugh, deep-throated and musical. The guy laughs like hes gulping waterthe sound seems to come from the ocean. You can see why they made him Thor: because Chris Hemsworth laughs like a god. A god who laughs a lot. And the answer, when it comes to worry and Hemsworth? No. Far from it. Its a cool day, there by the water. A plane drags a heavy banner through the sky. Something about sh sandwiches and sea views, $14. Seabirds descend into the distant waves. Its windy, and Hemsworth, arms pinioned against the railing, is wearing only a threadbare T-shirt and jeans. His wife, Elsa Pataky, the Spanish actress and featured player in the latest installments of The Fast and the Furious, leans out the slidingglass door, asks if were hungry. Hemsworth turns and smiles, a man legitimately happy right where he is. He pulls his hair into a ponytail, lets it go. Hes not dgety, just unencumbered by the day. Right, he says. I could eat a little. This leads to the aforementioned Manchego, dried fruit, and nuts on the ocean deck. The house, on the beach in Malibu, is a rental. Or a loaner. Whatever. Hemsworth says only that it belongs to friends. We couldnt afford this, he says, which seems hard to believe, though the guy never seems to prevaricate, let alone lie. Just then he looks around as if hed never seen the place before, or at least considered it. I dont think so, anyway. He and Pataky lived the last two years in London while he lmed Rush and nished Thor: The Dark World. We have an apartment in Santa Monica, he says. But mostly thats turned into a storage space for suitcases outtted for different parts of the world. There is the matter of his accent, which is neither the abstractly British, delicately commanding growl of Thor nor that of the American kid with the lettermans jacket he played in The Cabin in the Woods. Its Australian, mushy and rich, with the long vowel utterances. When he says while it sounds almost like whale. He ends a lot of sentences with right? And hes not beyond calling you mate every now and then. The effect makes him seem far younger than his thirty years. It raises the volume on his affability. The kid can absorb almost any observation, any snipe from an outsider, without taking it personally. Tell him that Thor, frankly, is a self-serious twatworse in the comics than in the movie, but stilland he laughs joyously. He doesnt care what any one person thinks about Thor. Its the sum total that matters. You talk to the comic-book fans, people whove been there since the beginningyou know, since the sixtiesand you realize the religious signicance of this thing, he says. And there is a kind of work that follows. You do your research. You listen and learn what you can. But then you let go. Eventually youre down to it. You gotta make this guy your own. The challenge in the rst installment was this sh-outof-water quality, this naivete about everything that makes up earth. That was a familiar dynamic to me. A Crocodile Dundee thing, really. A stranger arrives at your shore. Hes in foreign territory, out of
HE WAS LIVING IN AN
TWENTY YEARS AGO,

ABORIGINAL VILLAGE.
FIVE YEARS AGO,
TODAY HE IS THOR.
HE WAS ON A SOAP.
THINGS ABOUT
THAT ARE TRUE
CHRIS HEMSWORTH
> He was born August 11, 1983, in Melbourne, Australia. > For part of his childhood, he lived in a small Aboriginal community in the Northern Territory, where his parents worked on cattle stations. The nearest town was four hours away. Hemsworth worked on his parents farm and later took construction jobs. > He spent three years on the Australian soap opera Home and Away, a show that also helped launch the careers of Naomi Watts and Heath Ledger. > While on the show, his character, Kim Hyde, suffered from a drug addiction and managed to live through a car crash, a helicopter crash, and a fire. Hemsworth won a Logie (an Australian Emmy) for his performance. > He appeared on the Australian version of Dancing with the Stars in 2006 and made it halfway through the competition. He was the sixth of ten contestants to be eliminated. > He has trained in muay Thai, an ancient Thai martial art. > For his role as Thor, he built twenty pounds of muscle so much that his costume no longer fit. > A prop version of Thors hammerthe weapon he used in the filmis now at his parents home in Melbourne. > To get his hammer swing right, Hemsworth practiced chopping wood and studied Mike Tyson.
his element, with his own set of tools. Very powerful in one world, stripped of that power in the next. And the second Thor, does it maintain that mind-set of naivete and discovery? Hemsworth raises an eyebrow. Well, its set in a lot of places. Lets see. Its on earth and Asgard again. But in other realms, too, he says. Hes got some new battles, good villains. So its a different dynamic set in . . . He raises his ngers and throws up air quotes. Earth and other realms. Just self-serious enough to make him smile. Like, theres this other place. Let me think. I cant remember the name. What was it? WHAT CHRIS HEMSWORTH DID BEFORE HE WAS THIRTY It doesnt matter. Clockwise, from top left: Cash, which you may have missed; on his way to a bad weekend with Kristen Connolly in The Cabin in the Woods; Thor in The Avengers; as seventies-era Formula One No, give me a second. driver James Hunt in Ron Howards forthcoming Rush; with Kristen Stewart in Snow White & the Really, no worries. Huntsman (hes the huntsman); and in a dreary Red Dawn remake last year. I dont know. Schwartzaldahelm, maybe. as an absence of expectation. Life on a beach in Malibu, where beauSchwartzaldahelm? Hemsworth laughs. Its like that. I dont remember. He says it ty is an everyday construct, where fame is cultivated, generally seems again. Schwartzaldahelm. He may have just made it up. Or its close. foreign to the rest of usunimaginable because all of that is so far In any case, the thought of itSchwartzaldahelm, either the place or outside our day-to-day self-conception. But you look at Chris Hemsworth and you think, Things simply happen to celebrities just as they the wordmakes him laugh. do to the rest of usnew job, big promotion, a happy marriage, a EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE, you have to remind yourself who babyjust faster and with more volume. Same events, same rituals, he is. This guy. Hemsworth. He could be any young guy a million but bigger. Not more important, mind you. Just bigger. crunches into a lifetime of ab work. But make no mistake: Hes got a Twenty years ago, he was living in an aboriginal village, he and his mug. Its a good face, but not a famous face. Not yet. At the moment, brothers the only white kids in sight. Ten years ago, he was surng and hes in some middle ground between being a recognizable Thor and a looking for acting work in Melbourne. Five years ago, he had just nhardworking mere mortal. Hes big but not overly large, light-haired ished punching a clock on an Australian soap opera. But fame quickens though not exactly blond, likes sunglasses but is not afraid to show everything. Suddenly, Hemsworth already looks like someone with his eyes. Hemsworth. First seen by most moviegoers as Captain Kirks a careers worth of success: his face on billboards around the globe, father in the opening minutes of the 2009 J. J. Abrams Star Trek re- his body thickened and slimmed at the whim of others, his gorgeous boot. But his features were rounder then, his hair in a short military wife serving him cheese, a baby that wants him hungrily. As he looks coif. I got to crash one spaceship into another, he says, which is un- over the Pacic Ocean from a Malibu deck, his shoes are off. Hes in a deniably fun. At one point, I was trying to react to the moment of im- land most people, even most actors, dont know the name of. He might pact, kind of throwing my hands in the air, expecting to be sent spin- name it, but hed be guessing again. Schwartzaldahelm. No shoes in ning forward. J. J. came up to me and said, Thats great. Now lets try Schwartzaldahelm, no shoes at all. And you cant let it bother you. it with a little less ight and a little more fucked. So thats what you Hemsworth doesnt. see in that moment, me doing my best fucked. Now, thats acting right Its Saturday, on the PCH, which means Chris Hemsworth is willing there. With that, he throws back a handful of pistachios. Its possible hes not all that familiar because you just plain skipped to open up the engines a little to let the speed nestle into his belly as he Thor, or dont give a shit about Thor, or because the movies hes starred downshifts and passes a Mercedes in a little drift move he learned while in so far have been aimed at audiences largely presumed to equate lming his last movie. At every light, hes wired to the tree; at every dograw handsomeness with talentteenagers and men who post to chat leg, hes into the turn megadeep. Hes driving a stepped-down Camaboards from their seats in theaters. It may be that his ascent has been ro, fresh from the airport rental. But he is killing it still. Driving until he too swift, and you havent been paying attention to your summer mov- forgets the week behind him, driving to remember the moment hes in. ies. Hes likely to come to your full attention in Rush as the seventies- Pretty soon, hes all the way to Santa Barbara, where he hairpins round era Formula One driver James Hunt, who battled the ineffable Niki a gas station and starts back, throttling deeper in the guts of the roar so Lauda for the Grand Prix championship in 1976. And hes still got he can do it again. He is absorbed. Its Saturday! he says. Whats betthree more Thors in himone in the title role, two as the only Norse ter than a long, fast drive by the ocean? Doing it twice! member of the Avengers. Thor is large, he says. For that I had to add some muscle, which YEAH, THAT NEVER HAPPENED EITHER. I ask him, Do you even like driving? hasnt been all that hard so far. I like training just ne, thanks. But to Hemsworth purses his lips. I grew up in a culture of motorbikes, play a Formula One driver, I had to drop quite a bit of that. You know, slim it down. First time I looked at a Formula One car in person, I just he says. So I like racing just ne. Quite a lot, actually. That was when stared at the cockpit, guring Id never get in there. The drivers wear I was a boy in Australia. And I never really made the jump to cars the whole car like a tight-tting suit. So I just started training different- after that. At this very moment, theres a car outsideAmerican ly, shedding all that Thor. Ive come to see size as just a kind of prop. muscle, airport-rented, made for driving, brought here special so Hemsworth. Nothing moves fast for him. It is not a calm so much Hemsworth could drive, under the presumption that he might want
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to show a little of what he learned lming Rush. he says, and I wasnt good enough. Does he want to take a drive? Hemsworth holds up a beer. I dont know about that, he says. He He shrugs. We might do that, he says, as if regarding the dis- was tougher than he lets on. A lot tougher than I ever was. tant possibility of rain. But its clear he doesnt. Maybe later, right? Patakys mother, visiting to help with the baby, steps into the kitchThe afternoon trips along. The baby naps. A friend, visiting from en and Elsa speaks to her in Spanish. Hemsworth doesnt speak SpanAustralia, steps out of the haze of jet lag to say hello. Pataky sits at the ish. Or Italian. Or Romanian, like his wife. I cant learn, he says, and table and tells tales about The Fast and the Furious. Just now shes on it seems like this marks him as a young guy, the unwillingness to learn the cover of Womens Health, turned at her hips, with for the sake of his wife. I have tried, he says, but its a the words G R E AT B U T T ! and a giant red arrow pointing long record of failure. In this, he is Australian, which is to that very butt. She signs one for me, slides it across to say willing to acknowledge his shortcomings while the table, and asks, What do you think? remaining unapologetic for them. Condent about what The autograph? The butt? The cover shot? Who he can do. What he cant do does not interest him. wants to answer that? Hemsworth, his hands folded Its hard to live in more than one language unless behind his head, seems to understand. Its great, he you grow up that way, Pataky says. The part I dont says, gracious and aware. Its a great butt, honey. She like is being the only person in the room who is groping is pleased to hear it, particularly from him. for words, like . . . What was it last week? There was the Good, she says. Very good answer. word about the gardens? I just didnt know it. A handful of pistachios again. Gazebo, Hemsworth says. Hes at an age, this one, having done his service to a Gazebo! the boxer intones. Chris Pine, 33, played movie franchise or two, having some initial grasp on Yes, gazebo, Pataky says. This is the frustration. Kirk in Star Trek (2009) and Star Trek his look as a grown man, at which he might be able to Gazebo. Into Darkness. Looks pick his own projects, to do what he likes, to start to The frustration is she knows more than I do, Hemsa little like Chris Hemsworth. show himself as a serious actor. Rush certainly repreworth says. But I know a gazebo, so I look pretty good. sents a step in that direction, as does the Michael Mann Its all backwards. thriller he has lined up behind it. Theres a kind of actor who tells you his dream project would be a thinky AFTER PIZZA, HEMSWORTH heads to the garage, to show off some new boxing gear. I could art construct about the loss of innocence. Not HemsChris Evans, 32, pound on you all day if you were wearing this stuff, he worthnot necessarily, anyway. He seems more interplayed Captain says, and it wouldnt feel like a beating to you. Seems ested in studying his component role in a movie than America in The Avengers. Looks doubtful, truly, when hes standing right in front of you. in the lms place in the rmament of cinema history. a little like Chris Hemsworth has some pipes. I remember being in high school, every week I had Hemsworth. He opens the garage door to the night, revealing the a different idea about what I wanted to do. One week Camaro Ive brought there for his driving pleasure. it was Ah, Im gonna be a doctor. The next it was Im Does he want to take a spin? bound to be a professional sports playeryou know, AusWe could do that, he says, nodding, circling the car sie football and that stuff. Then Id want to be a police Chris Evert, 58, won while rubbing his chin. But Id need some shoes. He ofcer. A lawyer. They were all elevated ideas to me, 21 grand-slam titles. says this as if he doesnt have any. of me, in some way. Exaggerated conditions of what I Looks a little like Why all this hesitation? wanted to be. Or of where I wanted to be. I can rememChris Hemsworth. I dont really like driving, he says. Its just not what ber watching Lord of the Rings and being truly regretI do naturally. ful that I wasnt a being in that world. Hemsworth. He doesnt drive. Doesnt wear shoes. You mean that you werent in the lm? What does come naturally? No, I mean that I didnt live there. In Middle-earth. Liam Hemsworth, 23, Surng, he says without a moments hesitation. starred in The WHEN IT GETS DARK OUTSIDE, pizza is orId nearly always rather be surng. Hunger Games. Looks a little like dered. This is Hemsworths Saturday. Same as it ever Well, give me a look. Chris Hemsworth. was, you can tell. Probably very much like the SaturHe shakes his head sadly. Theres nothing doing out days he spent crashed on friends couches upon arrivthere right now. Besides, its night. ing in the States. Probably something like the Saturdays he spent with No, show me your board. Let me see your setup. Pataky in London. Probably like last Saturday. Hemsworth pricks up his ears. Oh, absolutely, he says. And he Between Saturdays, hes been shooting for weeks and training. For turns toward the well-lit maw of his garage to show off his board and Cyber, the Michael Mann movie, hes getting tutored in keyboard the new boxing gear. He even runs a little, in those same bare feet, speed typing and talking like someone from Chicago. Hes lining up over the sharp and nasty gravel. time for the second Avengers, time to beef up yet again for the role of the wing-headed demigod. No matter. Its his job. And its clear: He Its Saturday, so Hemsworth boxes. In his garage. With his best friend works. Time passes. Hes becoming visible, an actor to deal with. He from high school. MusicPanterathrobbing through speakers. The does not change, however. Hes not about to drive a car simply be- guy is suited up in a bright yellow foam suit and helmet, calling out the cause I brought a car. shotsjab, jab, hook, uppercut. Hemsworth hits hard enough to hurt the He orders the pies, fetches some beer, and places one in front of ev- trainer, even with the protective gear. Every now and then he throws in ery person at the kitchen table. Pataky doesnt touch hers. She stands a side kick for good measure. He could do this all day. Its Saturday, so and picks up, wipes the counters. The Australian friend, a former box- he might lift afterwards. Then spar with his wife. Maybe surf a little at er, walks us through his six-ght professional career. It wasnt long, dusk. He can do whatever he wants.
PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT
CHRIS HEMSWORTH
PRESENTS
NEXT STEP
A CELEBRATION, AND EXHORTATION, IN THREE PART S
THE
The average American man is better dressed today than at any point in recent memory. This is a bold statement, and we cant really prove it, but everywhere we look, were all sharper ts and smarter choices and easy, well-earned condence. We nally grew up and started dressing like the men we always wanted to be, and for the rst time in a long time, were wearing clothes the way theyre meant to be worn. With appreciation. And respect. And a pleasing, surprising sensation that can sometimes feel like fun. Heres the thing, though. (Yes, there is a thing. There is always a thing.) We can all do a little better. Weve spent the last three, four, ve years adjusting our comfort zones and investing in clothes of quality and character, and now is not the time to let that momentum sputter and stall.
You feel like playing it safe with everyday clothes? Us neither. Page 158
JUST ANOTHER DAY IN KICK-ASS CITY
So many good options, so many big opportunities. How not to waste them. Page 166
THE GOLDEN AGE OF SPORT COATS
And there aint nothin gloomy or sober or downbeat about it. Page 172
THE DARK SUIT RISES
Now is the time to take the next step and elevate the stakes just a little bit higher. To try on a jacket or shirt, or a pair of pants or shoes, that wed previously considered off-limitsdouble-breasted, moleskin, monk-strapand give it an honest shot. To switch up our daily routine and swap cords or annels for our usual chinos (or vice versa), or tailored separates for our usual suits (or vice versa), or appealing patterns for our usual solids (or vice versa). To keep up with the ever-expanding wonders of our time (made-to-measure services out the waz; innovation, experimentation, and exploration unbound) and make use of them as needed. And to make one extra choice a day, one deliberate and determined choice, that will set us apart from others. We could stock up on blazers. We are living in a golden age of stand-alone sport coats (page 166), with a variety of options and opportunities unimaginable just a few years ago. We could forsake complication in favor of simplicity. For the man who nds comfort in blacks, grays, or darkest navys, there is a new kind of dark suit (page 172) that is textured and varied and anything but a downer. Or we could carry on resetting our respective lines in the sand. Unexpected colors, big patterns, and textured cloths await the condent (and curious) this fall, and with a little guidance (page 158), an all-of-the-above approach to getting dressed will take you far. Day by day. Choice by choice. That is how great style is developed and expressed, and that is how we take the next step. Your journey begins now, and theres no telling how far youll go.
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N I Y A D R E H T O N JUST A
NAL O S R E P E IV T C IN T R E D IS O M A D ING R IS A R W P O R T U S S P E E H T T S O L T L D A E SM IS NO EN E R E H T , P A E L T A N Y M A N C A N TA KN N IA T N OW. G H A E IG K R A S T E O R T O T T S A IN W G U STYLE. BUT IF YO AT T E R N S , A N D T E X T U R E S A R R IV IN C O LO R S , P OMO BREJC
PHOTOGRAPHS BY T
T H E N E XT STEP
ESQ. STYLE
ESQ STYLE
TIP NO.
WHY IS THIS MAN WEARING SO MANY LAYERS? COULD BE BECAUSE HES FACING ONE OF FALLS KINDA HOT/KINDA COLD DAYS. OR COULD BE THAT HE KNOWS THAT EACH ITEM MAKES A BOLD STATEMENT. PROBABLY A LITTLE BIT OF BOTH.
633
Wool-cashmere-and-silk coat ($3,795), two-button cashmere jacket ($3,795), and cotton shirt ($435) by Ermenegildo Zegna; cashmere tie ($60) by Massimo Dutti; cotton trousers ($495) by Marc Jacobs; leather shoes ($700) by Churchs; wool scarf ($245) by Tods; leather-and-cashmere gloves ($268) by John Varvatos.
T H E N E XT STEP
ESQ. STYLE
Three-button woolsilk-and-cashmere jacket ($2,785), cashmere vest ($1,495), and cotton jeans ($550) by Brunello Cucinelli; cotton shirt ($690) by Bottega Veneta; wool pocket square ($125) by Isaia.
ESQ STYLE
TIP NO.
IT TAKES NEITHER COURAGE NOR COJONES TO WEAR ONE OF THE SMALLER-SCALE PATTERNS MAKING THE ROUNDS THESE DAYS, BUT TO PULL OFF A BIG GRAPHIC PRINT LIKE THIS PRINCE OF WALES CHECK FROM TOMMY HILFIGER? AND TO WEAR IT WITH DOUBLE-MONK-STRAP LOAFERS? THIS IS AN ACT OF AGGRESSION ON A GLOBAL SCALE. SOMEBODY CALL THE U.N.
582
Double-breasted wool jacket ($599) and wool trousers ($279) by Tommy Hilfiger; cotton shirt ($395) by Isaia; wool-and-silk tie ($15) by the Tie Bar; leather monk-straps ($1,120) by Santoni; cotton socks ($35) by Bresciani; steel Series 800 watch ($1,695) by Movado.
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ESQ STYLE
TIP NO.
763
ANY MAN CAN SURVIVE THE FALL AND WINTER IN A STANDARD-ISSUE OVERCOAT. BUT FOR THE MAN IN SEARCH OF A LITTLE ADVENTURE, THERE IS LIFE AND STYLE IN UNCOMMON COLORS (THIS HERE COBALT) OR EXTRAORDINARY CUTS (THE CAMEL-COLORED GREATCOAT OPPOSITE).
Double-breasted wool-silk-and-camel-hair coat ($2,700), double-breasted wool jacket ($1,630), and wool trousers ($450) by Canali; wool turtleneck sweater ($148) by Ted Baker London; steel Navitimer 1461 watch ($11,005) by Breitling.
T H E N E XT STEP
ESQ. STYLE
Double-breasted cashmere coat ($2,895), two-button wool-and-alpaca jacket ($1,395), cotton shirt ($125), and cotton jeans ($185) by Polo Ralph Lauren; lizard belt ($1,405) by Brunello Cucinelli. 163
T H E N E XT STEP
ESQ. STYLE
Two-button woolsilk-and-cashmere jacket ($595) and cotton corduroy trousers ($145) by Boss; cotton rugby shirt ($175), Gant by Michael Bastian.
ESQ STYLE
TIP NO.
THINK OF TEXTURE AS TRACTION FOR THE EYE: THE GREATER THE VARIETY OF CLOTHS ON YOUR PERSON (COTTON CORDUROY RUBBING WALES WITH CASHMERE, WOOLAND-SILK BLENDS BRUSHING UP AGAINST COTTON TWILLS), THE MORE LIKELY YOULL HOLD SOMEONES ATTENTION.
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Double-breasted wool-and-silk coat ($3,825), two-button wool-and-cashmere jacket ($3,195), cashmere turtleneck sweater ($900), and cotton trousers ($595) by Isaia; leather shoes ($690) by Santoni.
FOR STORE INFORMATION SEE PAGE 212. GROOMING BY CARMEL BIANCO FOR RAY BROWN.
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NEXT STEP
This page: Two-button wool jacket ($825) by L.B.M. 1911. Opposite, clockwise from top left: Two-button wool-and-silk jacket ($3,295) and cotton pocket square ($125) by Isaia. Doublebreasted wool-blend jacket ($1,450) by Boglioli; leather gloves ($195) by Thomas Pink. Two-button wool jacket ($995) by Thomas Pink; glasses ($240) by Gucci. Twobutton wool-cottonand-cashmere jacket ($2,345) by Ravazzolo.
The Golden Age of Sport Coats
OR BL A ZERS. OR JACKETS. OR WHATEVER YOU WANT TO CALL THE STAND -ALONE TA I LO R E D E S S E N T I A L S T H AT H AV E B EC O M E T H E M OST V E RSAT I L E P L AY E RS I N A MANS CLOSET. WITH INFINITE VARIETIES BEYOND YOUR BASIC NAV Y BLUE , WITH O P T I O N S AT E V E RY P R I C E A N D F O R E V E RY S E N S I B I L I T Y, T H E R E I S N O E N D TO WHAT YOU CAN FIND IN STORES THIS FALL. PHOTOGRAPHS BY JEFFREY WESTBROOK
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NEXT STEP
THERE ARE SO MANY OPTIONS B E YO N D B A S I C
N AVY BLUE
TEN YEARS AGO, back when a man had his suits on one end of his closet and his business-casual gear on the other, he probably had one good sport coat that he wore only when he didnt know what else to wear. It was a backup, a just-in-case, a navy-blue afterthought with wobbly gold buttons. That began to change when our approach to style began to changewhen we started to think and care more about how we dressed; when we began mixing casual with formal, expensive with inexpensive, and jeans and chinos with everythingand before long, a good sport coat wasnt just something we threw on: It was the layer that set the tone for, and in many ways dened, the rest of what we were wearing, and with our new appreciation for sport coats came a demand for variety. We discovered new brands (mostly from Italy) that excelled in the art of the unlined blazer. We embraced new patterns, textures, and colors. And we recognized that even in the relatively safe connes of our beloved navy blue (see right), there is plenty of room to experiment.
1. Three-button hemp-and-cashmere jacket ($1,395) by Boss; nubuck gloves ($128) by Coach. 2. Three-button wool jacket ($498) by Brooks Brothers; wool pocket square ($165) by Brunello Cucinelli. 3. Two-button wool jacket ($920) by CH Carolina Herrera; sunglasses ($550) by Oliver Peoples. 4. Two-button wool-and-cashmere jacket ($675) by Theory. 5. One-button wool-and-cashmere jacket ($1,200), Black Sail by Nautica; wool scarf ($120) by Oliver Spencer. 6. Three-button cashmere-and-silk jacket ($6,495) by Kiton.
TEXTURE
I S W H AT S E PA R AT E S T H E S P O RT C OAT F RO M T H E SU I T C OAT. T H E M O R E O F I T, T H E B E T T E R.
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T H E E XT R A 1 0 P E RC E N T
THE F O R M I DA B L E LAPEL
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1. Two-button wool jacket ($750) by the Mens Store Bloomingdales; sunglasses ($395) by Tods. 2. Twobutton cotton-velvet jacket ($349) by Tommy Hilfiger; silk pocket square ($100) by Brioni. 3. Two-button polyester-and-viscose jacket ($245) by Hugh & Crye. 4. Two-button wool jacket ($398) by Banana Republic; cashmere scarf ($168) by Paul Stuart. 5. Two-button woolpolyester-and-cashmere jacket ($995) by Belvest; sunglasses ($470) by Oliver Peoples. 6. Threebutton wool jacket ($607) by Oliver Spencer; leather gloves ($545) by Giorgio Armani. 7. Three-button wool jacket ($568) by J. Crew; wool scarf ($267) by Paul Stuart.
In Praise of the Third Button

The two-button sport coat with a deep-V closure has long been the go-to configuration for most guys, but the virtues of the three-button variety are many. Its decidedly not the go-to, for starters, giving it some built-in distinction, and its higher closure puts the emphasis on the jackets cloth (like this bold check) rather than on the underlying shirt and necktie. Button the top two buttons for the full effect, or button the middle for a milder one, but never, ever button the bottom one. You are not in the NBA, no matter how many fantasy leagues youve been in.
1. Two-button wool-and-silk jacket ($328) by Massimo Dutti. 2. Two-button wool jacket ($575) by Ted Baker London; modal-andcashmere pocket square ($108) by Etro. 3. Two-button wool-andcashmere jacket ($1,525) by Etro.
Three-button wool jacket ($2,245) by Prada.
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F E A R N OT
PLAID.
E S P E C I A L LY W H E N YO U PA I R I T W I T H A CLEAN WHITE SHIRT A N D A S I M P L E PA I R O F PA N T S .
1. Two-button wool jacket ($1,487) by Phineas Cole. 2. Twobutton cashmere jacket ($3,900) by Pal Zileri; silk pocket square ($30) by Boss. 3. Three-button
cashmere jacket ($6,800) by Cesare Attolini. 4. Two-button wool-and-polyester jacket ($495) by DKNY; leather gloves ($410) by Ermenegildo Zegna. 5. Two-button
wool-cashmere-and-silk jacket ($3,755) by Brunello Cucinelli; sunglasses ($95) by Warby Parker. 6. Two-button wool-and-cashmere jacket ($1,664) by Windsor Custom.
7. Two-button cotton jacket ($185) by Perry Ellis; sunglasses ($190) by Versace. 8. Two-button cashmere jacket ($5,150) by Brioni; wool pocket square ($125) by Isaia.
Go Ahead and Make It a Double

Single-breasted is easy. Theres more to choose from, and a second thought is typically not required. Double-breasted, on the other hand, requires commitment, not simply because you have to button a DB sport coat whenever youre standing but because there are multiple varieties to choose from. The six-on-two at near right is a classic, carrying all the attendant connotations; the two-on-one at far right looks that much more casual, especially when made from a silk blend.
Double-breasted wool-andpolyester jacket ($595) by Gant.
Doublebreasted woolnylon-and-silk jacket ($705) by Paul Smith.
Two-button wooland-cashmere jacket ($2,695) by Ermenegildo Zegna; glasses ($340) by Oliver Peoples.
ESQUIRE STYLE THE
NEXT STEP
FOR STORE INFORMATION SEE PAGE 212.
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WHEN BOLD COLORS AND LOUD CLASHES DONT SUIT THE MOOD OR THE MEETING, LOOK TO THE AWESOME POWER AND UNEXPECTED SURPRISES OF THE NEW WAVE OF DARK SUITING
PHOTOGRAPHS BY
JOHAN SANDBERG
THE DARK SUIT RISES
ESQUIRE STYLE
THE NEXT STEP
This page, on Thomas Wirthensohn, documentary filmmaker: Cotton trench coat ($3,950) by Louis Vuitton; threebutton cashmere-and-silk suit ($8,562), cotton shirt ($870), and cashmerewool-and-silk tie ($280) by Kiton; leather shoes ($900) by Santoni. Opposite: Two-button wool-and-cashmere suit ($2,950), cotton shirt ($730), and silk tie ($215) by Louis Vuitton; steel Ballon Bleu watch ($5,900) by Cartier. 173
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FORGET THE FLAT, SOULLESS SURFACES THAT TYPIFY MOST DRESSY SUIT CLOTHS AND LOOK FOR WEAVES WITH UNCOMMON TEXTURES. THE SUBTLE HORIZONTAL GRAIN OF THIS TWO-PIECE ADDS DIMENSION AND DEPTH TO THE SUIT AND DEMANDS A CLOSER LOOK.
TIP NO.
Two-button wool suit ($1,295) and cotton shirt ($395) by Calvin Klein Collection; cashmere-wool-andsilk tie ($230) by Brunello Cucinelli.
ESQUIRE STYLE
THE NEXT STEP
On Townsend Ambrecht, actor and filmmaker: Wooland-cashmere coat ($2,445) and cotton shirt ($545) by Dolce & Gabbana; silk tie ($150) by Burberry London. 175
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LOOK CLOSE. CUH-LOOOSER. SEE THAT SLIGHT SHEEN? THATS WHAT YOU GET WITH A WOOLAND-SILK WOVEN SUIT. ITS ALL BUT UNDETECTABLE FROM A DISTANCE, YET AT ARMS LENGTH IT DELIVERS A QUIET PUNCH.
TIP NO.
ESQUIRE STYLE
THE NEXT STEP
This page, on Ambrecht: Two-button wool suit ($3,270), cotton shirt ($410), silk tie ($175), and silk pocket square ($130) by Dunhill; leather shoes ($720) by Santoni; steel Star Retrograde automatic watch ($4,865) by Montblanc. Opposite, on Shawn Joswick, denim designer and consultant: Double-breasted wooland-silk suit ($4,595) by Giorgio Armani; cotton shirt ($99) by Banana Republic; silk tie ($135) by John Varvatos; leather shoes ($410) by Dunhill. 177
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THE KEY TO WEARING A DARK SUIT AND NOT LOOKING LIKE A SECRET-SERVICE (OR CAA CIRCA 88) AGENT IS A TRIMMER, SHORTER CUT TO THE JACKET. THANKS TO A SHARPER FIT IN THE SHOULDERS AND TORSO, AND A HEM THAT BOTTOMS OUT JUST BELOW THE WAISTLINE, SUCH A JACKET ENSURES A CLEAN, STREAMLINED, CONTEMPORARY SILHOUETTE.
TIP NO.
ESQUIRE STYLE
THE NEXT STEP
This page, on Wirthensohn: Twobutton wool suit ($2,465) and cotton shirt ($415) by Prada. Opposite, on James Jean, wardrobe stylist: Two-button wool-andmohair suit ($2,440) by Salvatore Ferragamo; cotton shirt ($565) by Ermenegildo Zegna; cotton-and-silk tie ($135) by Thomas Pink; steel Captain chronograph ($8,300) by Zenith. 179
ESQUIRE STYLE
THE NEXT STEP
On Joswick: Twobutton wool suit ($3,000) and cotton shirt ($590) by Dior Homme; silk tie ($125) by Boss; leather shoes ($1,100) by Brioni.
Double-breasted wool suit ($1,895) and cashmere turtleneck sweater ($595) by Burberry London.
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IF YOURE GONNA LAYER BLACK ON BLACKAND IF YOU HEED THE FOLLOWING, THATS A-OKAY WITH USMAKE SURE THERES SOME CONTRAST IN THE TEXTURES. DIFFERENT WEAVES OF WOOL AND COTTON HOLD BLACK DYE DIFFERENTLY, SO BY MIXING A CASHMERE SWEATER WITH A WOOL JACKET, YOURE BOUND TO HAVE A SUBTLE, APPEALING CONTRAST BETWEEN BLACKS.
TIP NO.
FOR STORE INFORMATION SEE PAGE 212. CASTING BY ANDREA NINA RAMOS FOR URBAN PRODUCTIONS. GROOMING BY NICOLAS ELDIN FOR ARTLIST. PROP STYLING BY CHRIS STONE.
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UNLESS YOURE MORE OF A PLAYER THAN WE THINK YOU ARE, THAT NEW HUNDRED-DOLLAR BILL COMING THIS FALL WONT WIND UP IN YOUR POCKET VERY OFTEN. BUT IT MAY BE AMERICAS MOST POPULAR EXPORT, THE MOST COVETED BILL IN THE WORLD. AND THE STORY OF THE NEW HUNDREDSTILL MADE BY HAND WITH ANCIENT TOOLSIS THE STORY OF AMERICAN MONEY ITSELF.
THE PLATE: A FINISHED CHROME COATED PRINTING PLATE FOR THE NEW HUNDRED, THIRTY-TWO TO A SHEET, READY FOR INKING.
OUR NEW HUNDRED-DOLLAR BILL, LIKE EVERY other single piece of American folding money, is born in this rotary boiler. Its a perfect sphere, an angry kettle fteen feet across, spinning high off the ground between two stained concrete towers. Most people swear out loud when they see it for the rst time. A network of gears, each tooth the size of a st, churns away in the darkness behind it. The towers and the gears allow the boiler to spin like a planet, like Saturn, rust-colored with wide rings of black grease. It is hot in its shadow, the steam coming off it like breath, and every surface within twenty yards is either dripping or damp. The boiler feels almost monstrous, a relic of a spitting industrial age, corrosive and mean, and it feels that way especially when it nally stops spinning and its oval maw clangs open, vomiting tons of boiling cotton that hits the oor with a heavy slap. There it is, the earliest, nobullshit incarnation of cash: piles of raw cellulose cooked to its brous essence, as brown as it is white, and scalding. American money is born in a ame. The boiler is housed in an ancient redbrick mill, built in 1863, tumbling toward the shore of the Housatonic River in tiny Dalton, Massachusetts. The mill is named for a local hero, Captain Byron Weston, but is owned and operated by Crane & Co., makers of ne paper. Today the company is under the stewardship of fty-three-year-old Doug Crane, the seventh generation of his family to manage the business. (The Crane ledgers, which begin with Colonel Thomas Crane in 1770, include the sale of 13 reams of money paper to a Boston silversmith named Paul Revere.) Winthrop Crane, Dougs great-greatgrandfather, won the rst contract to supply the U. S. Bureau of Engraving and Printing with paper in 1879, when the mill was only sixteen years old. Crane paper has been the money in American pockets since. In the beginning, Crane & Co. made paper from discarded rags collected by stooped men pushing carts. American currency is still made with ragsuntil the last decade or so, mostly from the trims and off-cuts of denim manufacturers, including Levis. Paper money wore soft, like a pair of blue jeans, because it was made from blue jeans. But recently, Americans decided they liked jeans that stretched, so jeans companies began adding spandex to their fabric. Money with spandex in it wouldnt be money anymore,
which means much of Cranes time is now spent on a global search them somewhere other than here, making the Benjamin both the for waste cotton that wasnt used to make elastic pants. most legal and threatened of tenders. But to the great relief of the Today, in a big, windowed room around the corner from the ket- Crane family and the sweating men who work in this mill, the U. S. tle, there are maybe fty rectangular bales of cotton waiting to government decided to stick with the cotton-linen blend that nbe boiled, each weighing about ve hundred pounds. Theyll be gertips across the globe instinctively recognize. dumped into the boiler by a forklift. This parIn the late 1980s, a new counterfeit hundred, ticular cotton was never woven into cloth. Its the most perfect counterfeit yet made, began apthe shorter, coarser bers left over from the cotpearing in circulation. It looked identical to the tons combing, still ecked with seeds and traces real thing, betrayed visually, at least, under only of earth from Georgia or Egyptits impossithe most rigorous forensic testing. (Some minor ble to tell. The better cotton has gone to places aws were visible after enormous copies of the like Sri Lanka and Bangladesh to be made into bills were made, but these were probably pursix-dollar T-shirts; the cotton that otherwise poseful. Its makers didnt want to be suckered would be thrown to the wind has come here to by their own handiwork.) Although the counbe made into hundred-dollar bills. terfeit came to America mostly on boats from American money also contains linen, which gangs in China, it was eventually traced to North is made from ax. Its ner and lighter than cotKorea, where it was believed to have been manton; a same-sized bale weighs only 360 pounds. ufactured by the North Korean government on There are fewer bales of it here, because the its own presses. Since then, new generations of Crane family recipe calls for 75 percent cotton the same counterfeit have appeared, including and 25 percent linen. The linen improves the a big-head version, mimicking the redesigned papers tensile strength, like rebar does in conhundred that entered circulation in 1996. This THE ARTIST: BRIAN THOMPSON crete. It also gives American money a very parfamily of bogus notes has been given its own tiDESIGNED THE HUNDRED, ticular feel. tle, one that bets its almost mythical stature: DRAWING MANY OF ITS NEW IMAGES BY HAND AT HIS DESK. Most other currencies in the world are made the North Korean supernote. either entirely from cotton or, increasingly, from Some stories about the supernote sound more polymersplasticrst introduced in Australian banknotes in 1988. like legend than factlike its being laundered by a bank in Macao The three bodies that oversee the production of American curren- called the Banco Delta Asia, or several thousand of them somehow cythe Treasury Department, the Federal Reserve, and the Secret appearing overnight in Lima, threatening to tip over the entire PeruServiceexplored using polymers for the new hundred-dollar bill, vian economy. But there remains one truth in the supernotes history largely for security reasons. By total value, the U. S. hundred is the that has never been forgotten: It was rst detected at the Central Bank most heavily counterfeited single denomination in the world. It is of the Philippines by a teller, given pause only by the same nebulous also the closest thing to a global currency, with about 60 percent of aw that betrays the majority of counterfeits. It just didnt feel right.
1. THE WATERMARK: A smaller, far less detailed portrait of Ben Franklin is visible when it is held up to light. The linen content in U.S. money makes its watermarks fuzzy; in contrast, the watermarks in all-cotton currency look razor-sharp. 2. THE VIGNETTE: Independence Hall, part of the Franklin narrative, is featured on the reverse side of the current hundred as well as on the new bill. But the engraving on the new notedating from 1929 depicts the buildings back rather than its front. 3. THE RIBBON: The new plastic security ribbon looks as though it were threaded into the paper. (Its visible only on the notes face.) In fact, the sheet of paper is somehow made around the ribbonthrough a secret processwith a
trio of narrow paper bridges helping to keep it in place. Visible within the ribbon are three-dimensional images of two icons. 4. THE MICROPRINTING: New microtext has been added to the traditional engraving of Franklin near his collar. The engraving itself, done by Thomas Hipschen in 1992, is the same as the one used on the current hundred; its based on an original portrait painted by Joseph Siffred Duplessis around 1785. Bureau engravers are forbidden from signing their work in any way.
5. THE QUILL: Along with the color-shifting ink well, the quill pen drawn by Brian Thompson unifies the composition and sharpens the emphasis on Franklins story in the new design. 6. THE COLOR-SHIFTING INK: The 100 in the lower right corner turns from copper to greenjust as a bell in the adjacent inkwell appears and disappearswhen the bill is tilted in the light. The ink contains microscopic metallic flakes that reflect different wavelengths of light.
out the banknote designers were looking for an apprentice. Thompson put in his portfolio, and they liked what they saw. They asked for seven years of Thompsons life, and in exchange they would BRIAN THOMPSONS OFFICE LOOKS LIKE ANY OTHER STANDARD-ISSUE teach him the trade. Twenty-four years later, he has his own note. government cubicle, in a bunker of a room inside the Bureau of EnTheres a pile of loose papers in the corner of his cubicle. He digs graving and Printing in Washington, D. C. On through it until he nds what hes looking for. the door to the room, theres a small poster of There it is, he says, and he brings a single an M. C. Escher lithograph: two hands holding glossy white sheet under the light on his table. pens, each drawing the others cuff. Theres also It was one of his rst assignments, dated July a sign: O L D W O R L D C R A F T S M A N S H I P . B E C AU S E 12, 1989, hand-lettering the alphabet in what he W E C A R E . Apart from the sign, there are only calls banknote roman, the principal font on all hints that something beautiful happens here. In American money. He had to learn, by hand and Thompsons cubicle, a drawing table has been by feel, its spacing, its body weight, the proporpushed against one of the half walls. Two mettions of every shadow and serif. These are the al trays of pencils are sitting on it, grays and colfundamental principles, he says. By 1992, he ors, kept as sharp as knives. Theres one long had worked his way up to painting things like banner on the wall, a series of Escher drawstreetscapes and bald eagles, but only in shades ings that blend seamlessly into one another, a of gray, from the birds white head to the blackock of birds turning into a school of sh and est tips of its feathers. This is how Thompson back into birds again. And then theres a poster learned to draw vignettesthe illustrations of of Thompsons own latest work of art, framed buildings on the backs of billswith depth and in pride of place above his table: the new huntone even in the absence of color. But bald eagles THE ENGRAVER: WILLIAM dred-dollar bill. were only momentary diversions from the handFLEISHELL PAINSTAKINGLY Thompson is forty-three years old, Africanlettering he had to continue to do every day for REVISED THE VIGNETTE OF INDEPENDENCE HALL. American, with a closely trimmed mustache. years. Letters get you to focus on the details, Hes dressed casually in jeans and a T-shirt. He Thompson says. That was the basis of my whole was nineteen when he began working at the bureau, a talented high education: Every single detail says something. It means something. school art student with no formal training in currency design. The He digs through the pile of papers again. He pulls out a simple bureau is a union shop; most craft employees here arrive as appren- pencil drawing of a feather, a quill digging into a curling scroll. As tices, working under journeymen until they become journeymen a physical object, the new hundred is born again and again in that themselves. Thompsons father was a cylinder maker, fabricating boiler in Dalton, Massachusetts. As an idea, it was born on this the big rollers that draw the currency paper through the presses, table, with these pencils, on this single piece of paper, with this and one day he saw there was an opening for an art job. It turned drawing of a quill.
It just didnt feel right because it wasnt printed on paper made by Crane & Co. in Dalton, Massachusetts. It wasnt boiled in this kettle.
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Thompson likes money that tells a storysomething that, despite the constraints of a notes size and technological necessities, could pass for narrative, for art. Hes constantly looking at the cash of other countries for inspiration (current favorites include the Danish krone and the Botswana pula), but he cites two principal inuences: Georgia OKeeffe, whose paintings of landscapes and owers taught him how to combine balance with ow, and Escher, whose intricate, mathematical drawings showed Thompson the importance of precision and the power of illusion. He would have been an incredible banknote designer, Thompson says. He would have freaked people out. On the back of the new hundred-dollar bill is one of Thompsons favorite magic tricks. There is an oversized 100 bordered in white and blue, printed in orange. This new feature is primarily to help the visually impairedlike the large purple 5 on the ve-dollar billbut its also a secondary defense against counterfeiters. While the 100 looks entirely orange, closer examination reveals that it contains alternating lines of orange and green. Through some quirk of the optic nerve, our eyes pick up mostly the orange. It dominates, and casual counterfeiters might overlook or be unable to replicate the disappearing green. What Thompson hopes youll see instead is the story hes trying to tell. SHORTLY AFTER ROSA GUMATAOTAO RIOS WAS SWORN IN AS TREASURER of the United States in July 2009, she returned to her corner ofce in the Treasury Building and was met by a man with a book with lined white paper. She had been practicing for this moment for months. I have awful penmanship, Rios says today. My third-grade teacher is probably in disbelief that Im signing money. That nervous morning, it took her thirty tries to get it right. On the day after Thanksgivingit takes several weeks for a new signature to be incorporated into the designshe, her husband, and her children joined the then-secretary of the Treasury Timothy Geithner and his family at the bureau. They stood next to the chugging presses and watched their names appear for the rst time on a sheet of fresh twenty-dollar bills. She pressed her thumb against her name on one of the notes. The ink was still wet, she says. It was surreal. Not only was it her name on money; it was also her husbands name and her childrens name: Gumataotao, the rst Chamorro name to appear on U. S. currency. It was very emotional, she says, the loveliest experience. Her name and Geithners will also be the rst to grace the new hundred-dollar bill. The recently appointed secretary of the Treasury, Jack Lewwho had to change his illegible loopy autograph for public consumptionwill have to wait for the presses to catch up. His evolving signature made its nationwide debut on the letter asking for the resignation of the acting commissioner of the IRS instead. Rios now chairs the Advanced Counterfeit Deterrence Steering Committee, which helps coordinate a process made complicated by a similarly messy bureaucratic past. Most currencies are issued by central banksthe Bank of England issues the British pound, the Bank of Canada the Canadian dollar. The Federal Reserve fullls the same role in the U. S., but because of a long-standing American aversion to central banks, it wasnt created until 1913, a delayed response to the bank panic of 1907. By then, the Treasury Department, through its Bureau of Engraving and Printing, founded in 1862, had been printing paper money for decades. Today, the issuing authority and the manufacturer remain oddly distinct enterprises. That American money still bears the signature of the treasurer rather than, say, the chairman of the Federal Reserve is an accident of history that has never been corrected. Further confusing matters was the establishment of the Secret Service in 1865. Long before it was given its mission of protecting
important people, the Secret Service protect- FLEISHELL BENT TO ed American money, as it still does. It sits on HIS GRUELING TASK, ENGRAVING A PORthe committee, often making recommenda- TRAIT OF FREDERtions in the face of new threats. ICK DOUGLASS; IT A man named Edward Lowery is the spe- WILL TAKE MONTHS. cial agent in charge of the Secret Services RIGHT: THOMPSONS DESK, WITH HIS Criminal Investigative Division. He looks ORIGINAL DRAWING and sounds exactly like a special agent, put- OF A QUILL FOR THE together and deep-voiced. Asked about the NEW HUNDRED North Korean supernote, he wont say a AND SOME OF HIS TOOLS. BELOW: THE word, refusing to acknowledge that it even COTTON BOILER AT exists. But he will acknowledge that the Se- CRANE & CO. cret Service shut down more than three hundred counterfeiting plants around the world in 2012, and for the agency, each one was a kind of school. For instance, the ve-dollar bill, like the dollar bill, is protected against counterfeiters mostly by its low value. But then the Secret Service discovered that counterfeiters were bleaching ve-dollar bills of their ink to get their hands on clean paper, which they were then using to make counterfeit hundreds. (Unlike the dollar bill, the ve-dollar bill has a security thread in it, which makes it a better large-denomination dupe.) The Secret Service reported this discovery to the committee, which asked Crane & Co. to add new watermarks to the ve-dollar bill, overfortifying one of its smaller denominations in order to protect its largest one. If you hold up a new ve to the light, youll see a large watermarked 5 on the righthand side and a column of three small 5s on the left. This is a good bill. If you hold up your hundred-dollar bill and see those watermarked 5s, thats a re starter. In the case of the new hundred, the members of the committee recommended several dramatic changes to beef up its defenses, each of which had to be approved by the secretary of the Treasury. Together they decided on the individual components of the bill, its parts. They trusted Brian Thompson with the sum of it.
AT ITS ESSENCE, THE NEW HUNDRED-DOLLAR BILL IS A TINY, COMPLEX machine fueled by light. Transmitted light reveals the Franklin watermark and the thin, embedded security thread. Ultraviolet and infrared lights reveal features used by banks and vending machines. Reected light trips some mysterious trigger that tells most photocopiers not to printtry it sometimeand highlights the raised printing and color-shifting ink. Light also reveals the most striking component of the new bill: the bright-blue security ribbon that dominates its face. The Advanced Counterfeit Deterrence Steering Committee told Thompson only that it had to go somewherewhere, exactly, was essentially up to himand it represented perhaps his greatest design challenge. (In the end, after forty different drafts of the design, he settled on a vertical stripe, just right of center; pushing it toward the edges would have violated Georgia OKeeffes principles of balance.) While the ribbon really is a spectacular sliver of technology, it also slashes through Thompsons careful design like grafti. Most people think its fake, Treasurer Rios says. They wonder why its on there, whether its a mistake. The ribbon is not a mistake. It is the new notes rst defense, its moat, and it will prove impossible for even North Korean counterfeiters to replicate. (We cant say that, Special Agent Lowery says, but it will be very, very difcult.) Only
one company in the world owns the technology and fully understands how it works: a venerable family-owned paper concern in tiny Dalton, Massachusetts. Doug Crane can remember the rst time he saw the ribbon, maybe fteen years ago. It was invented by a small Georgia company by the name of Visual Physics, which gave a hint about its product, or at least the idea behind it: the microscopic interplay of light and the human eye. Crane has advanced degrees in paper science and biomedical engineering, and he is ercely protective of his familys legacy. After Visual Physics paid a visit, Crane & Co. bought the company and every scrap of its intellectual property, effectively trapping its ribbon in this redbrick mill. Literally nobody else can make it, he says. The ribbon takes advantage of our primal, extraordinary ability to detect even the slightest movement in a sea of stillness. Looking at the ribbon on the new American hundredor, more accurately, into ityoull see three-dimensional images of two icons oating within that bottomless blue: several 100s and several cracked Liberty Bells. If you tip the bill left to right, the digits and bells will somehow move up and down; tip the bill up and down and they will move left to right. It meets the test we have for public security features, says Michael Lambert, an associate director at the Federal Reserve. Its really easy for people to use, but its really hard for counterfeiters to replicate. Even the printers at the bureau marvel at it, as much as it has driven them to distraction. The new hundred was supposed to come out in 2011, but the entire manufacturing process had to be ne-tuned to accommodate the ribbon, which was partially responsible for causing an unacceptable number of sheets to crease. Today its visible only on the face of the bill, and even though its plastic, it is only one-third the thickness of the note itself. That is unreal, says Dave Smeltzer, who manages the bureaus offset-printing division. In and out in less
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than ve thousandths of an inch. It looks as THE INKED-UP though its been threaded through the paper NICKEL PLATES ON AN INTAGLIO somehow, like a baskets weave, but thats not PRINTER (LEFT); how its done. No, we make it all at once, AFTER THIS, ITS Crane says. The sheet of paper gets made MONEY (CENTER), around the ribbon. And thats all I can real- AWAITING SERIAL NUMBERS ly tell you about that. That part of a second AND SEALS millwhere the boiled cotton and linen be- (RIGHT). OPPOSITE: come paper that somehow swallows great WRAPPED lengths of blue plastic ribbon at appropriate HUNDREDS$10,000 IN A STRAP ON A intervalsis protected from view by enorSORTING CAROUmous red curtains. What goes on behind them SEL AND, BELOW, is secret. SIXTEEN BUNDLES, The ribbon itself is a collection of micro- OR FOUR BRICKS, scopic lenses, like the pixels on your TV, but WORTH $1.6 MILLION. much, much smaller. (Asked what the lenses are made of, Crane says, Stuff. Theyre made of stuff.) On a single note, the quarter-inch-wide ribbon contains 875,000 of those lenses. When they catch the light, they magnify the iconsthe 100s and the Liberty Bellsthat have been printed on the ribbon beneath them. That printing is among the smallest accomplished in the history of the world. If, instead of symbols, Crane wanted to magnify text, the font would be small enough to print the entire Bible on the surface of a single dimetwice. The hope is that every time you receive a new hundred-dollar bill, youll see the movement in the ribbon and be stopped by it, if only for a fraction of a second. Counterfeiters rely on our inattention. Their edge is that weve come to see Benjamin Franklin and are blind to everything else. Now that blue ribbon is the new Benjamin Franklin. It will be responsible for triggering whatever part of our brain thinks Thats money. Brian Thompson, however, wanted the new hundred to be more than an instrument of light; he wanted light to be an element of his design. There is no record of why each bill bears the particular face it does, originally put on money so that even the illiterate could recognize its value. Why Benjamin Franklin was specically honored on the hundred has been lost to time. But Thompson decided this new note should tell at least part of Franklins story: namely, that he was one of the drafters and signers of the Declaration of Independence. Hence the new quill, which has survived every version of the design from Thompsons rst pencil drawing, even though the accompanying scroll did not. Hence the addition of the inkwell
at the base of the quill and the date, July 4, 1776, and the inclusion of script from the Declaration itself. (The words have been cut and pasted in random sequence so that counterfeiters cant just copy the document and include it in their own work.) And hence, most of all, the hundred-dollar bill as a source of lightspecically the 100 on the notes bottom-left corner. If you look closely at the bill, if you look at where its shadows fall, at the gleam on the inkwell, at the illumination of Franklins great noble head, that bottom-left 100 is the bulb from which a single beam stretches across the rest of the darkened stage. That beam lifts us square into Franklins gaze, over the visual speed bump of the security ribbon, and on up the quill, pointed purposefully and dramatically to the 100 in the top-right corner. Light draws our eyes across the entire face of the new hundred-dollar bill, just as it has carried us through time. Light is what brings us from there to here. WILLIAM FLEISHELL, A FIFTY-TWO-YEAR-OLD ENGRAVER, OWNS THE FIRST set of hands responsible for turning Thompsons vision into a physical reality. His principal instrument is called a burin, or graver. Burins are passed down within the bureau; some here are more than a century old. Its a simple, ancient tool with a wooden handle topped by a small knob that ts into the palm of his right hand. It has a blade shaped like a diamond; he runs it over a stone to sharpen it. Today Fleishell is working on a portrait of Frederick Douglass, the abolitionist. Most signicant American public gurespresidents, Supreme Court justicesare the subjects of ofcial engraved portraits. The Douglass portrait will probably be used to make prints to sell in the gift shop. It will also be placed in the bureaus vault, in case one day the committee decides that Douglass is worthy of money. Fleishell has silver hair, a cherubic face, and the demeanor of someone who is very particular and has arranged his universe exactly the way he likes it. He began working here in 1988 and served the portraitists ten-year apprenticeshipten years to master the engravers three means of expression: lines, dots, and dashes. Despite his having worked here for twenty-ve years, his studio is spare. North light, Fleishell says, pointing to the angled skylight above him. What more could I ask for? Hes already transferred the portrait of Douglass onto a shining steel plate, in the way a tattoo artist might use a stencil; now hes doing the actual engraving. Fleishell looks through a loupe and angles the burin into the steel, pushing out the smallest sliver, carving a miniature ditch. His burin makes no sound. The change in the porClip, Save, Share, from any page. Download free from the iTunes App Store or Google Play.
trait is almost imperceptible. But slowly, Douglass will come more and more to life. Fleishell has already completed Douglasss intense eyesmost engravers start with the eyes, because they are the hardest partand his mouth, because teeth are the second-hardest part. Now Fleishell is working on Douglasss hair, each strand requiring another push of the burin. This single portrait will take him hundreds of hours of work, four or ve months of careful labor. The engravings on the new hundred-dollar bill are, in fact, old engravings. The Franklin portrait is the same one used on the current hundred, created by Thomas Hipschen in 1992; when Hipschen was deep into his work, Beethoven poured out under his door. The vignette of Independence Hall on the back of the bill was made by Joachim Benzing in 1929. Benzing also engraved some of the more cryptic symbolism on the back of the onedollar bill. A section of the Treasurys annual appropriations bill has ensured his work on the Great Seal will be timeless, or at least as timeless as the dollar bill itself: It hasnt been redesigned because the bureau is prohibited by Congress from doing so. A former Arizona congressman named Jim Kolbe led that effort beginning in 1986not out of any sense of nostalgia or tradition, but because he was, and remains, a vocal advocate of the dollar coin. (Arizona also happens to be home to the copper mines that would supply the neces-
sary metal.) Despite the failure of three different dollar coinstoday more than a billion sit in Federal Reserve vaultshe hoped to kill the dollar bill through mandatory neglect. Why redesign something that should soon be made extinct? New legislation, the COINS Act, sponsored in part by Arizona senator John McCain, was introduced again this June. If its passed, the dollar bill will be eliminated within four years. And yet Benzings art will survive, more than eighty years after it was made, on the back of the new hundred instead. Fleishell digitally touched up Benzings engraving, making the windows crisper and changing the look of the sky. The use of computers rather than burins is a sensitive topic within the bureau. Hipschen left not long after the introduction of digital engraving, believing that it attened the job, made it common. Experienced engravers can spot the differences in one anothers handiwork as easily as painters can separate a Picasso from a Monet, and that built-in signature makes the art more beautiful and harder for counterfeiters to replicate. But computers enable the work to be done much more quicklya portrait might take weeks rather than monthsand mistakes to be erased more easily. Fleishell engraved the portrait of Abraham Lincoln on the ve-dollar bill by hand, but he understands that computers will likely take his burins place. He still sees something almost [continued on page 210]
189
W H AT I V E L E A R N E D
WRITER AND DIRECTOR, 77, NEW YORK CITY

I N T E RV I EW E D BY CA L F U S S M A N, J U N E 4 , 2 01 3 / P H OT O G R A P H BY M A R K M A N N
> My two teenage girls think of me as ancient. But Im up before them and wake them to go to school. > What people who dont write dont understand is that they think you make up the line consciouslybut you dont. It proceeds from
your unconscious. So its the same surprise to you when it emerges as it is to the audience when the comic says it. I dont think of the joke and then say it. I say it and then realize what Ive said. And I laugh at it, because Im hearing it for the rst time myself. > Without fear, youd never survive. > My dad didnt even teach me how to shaveI learned that from a cabdriver. But the biggest lesson he imparted is that if you dont have your health, you have nothing. No matter how great things are going for you, if you have a toothache, if you have a sore throat, if youre nauseated, or, God forbid, you have some serious thing wrong with youeverything is ruined. > A corned-beef sandwich would be sensational, or one of those big, fat frankfurters, you know, with the mustard. But I dont eat any of that stuff. I havent had a frankfurter in, I would say, forty-ve years. I dont eat enjoyable foods. I eat for my health. > Marshall McLuhan predicted books would become art objects at some point. He was right. > My mother taught me a valuerigid discipline. My father didnt earn enough, and my mother took care of the money and the family, and she had no time for lightness. She always saw the glass a third full. She taught me to work and not to waste time. > I never see a frame of anything Ive done after Ive done it. I dont even remember whats in the lms. And if Im on the treadmill and Im surng the channels and suddenly Manhattan or some other picture comes on, I go right past it. If I saw Manhattan again, I would only see the worst. I would say: Oh, God, this is so embarrassing. I could have done this. I should have done that. So I spare myself. > In the shower, with the hot water coming down, youve left the real world behind, and very frequently things open up for you. Its the change of venue, the unblocking the attempt to force the ideas thats crippling you when youre trying to write. > If youre born with a gift, to behave like its an achievement is not right. > I love Mel Brooks. And Ive had wonderful times working with him. But I dont see any similarities between Mel and myself except, you know, were both short Jews. Thats where it ends. His style of humor is completely different. But Bob Hope? Im practically a plagiarist. > We took a tour of the Acropolis late in the morning, and I looked down upon the theater and felt a connection. I mean, this is where Oedipus debuted. Its amazing for someone whos spent his life in show business or worked in dramatic art to look down at the theater where, thousands of years ago, guys like Mike Nichols and Stephen Sondheim and David Mamet were in togas, thinking, Gee, I cant get this line to work. You know, Ive been working on it all night. And that actor, he doesnt know how to deliver it. Sophocles and Euripides and Aristophanes. The costumes are late, and we gotta go on! > Its been said about marriage You have to know how to ght. And I think theres some wisdom to that. People who live together get into arguments. When youre younger, those arguments tend to escalate, or theres not any wisdom that overrides the argument to keep in perspective. It tends to get out of hand. When youre older, you realize, Well, this argument will pass. We dont agree, but this is not the end of the world. Experience comes into play. > Back when I started, when I opened Take the Money and Run, the guys at United Artists accumulated the nations criticisms into a pile this big and I read them all. Texas, Oklahoma, California, New England . . . Thats when I realized that its ridiculous. I mean, the guy in Tulsa thinks the pictures a masterpiece, and the guy in Vermont thinks its the dumbest thing hes ever seen. Each guy writes intelligently. The whole thing was so pointless. So I abandoned ever, ever reading any criticisms again. Thanks to my mother, I havent wasted any time dwelling on whether Im brilliant or a fool. Its completely unprotable to think about it. > You can only do so much, and then youre at the mercy of fortune. > Me sitting down for dinner with Ingmar Bergman felt like a house painter sitting down with Picasso. > Its just an accident that we happen to be on earth, enjoying our silly little moments, distracting ourselves as often as possible so we dont have to really face up to the fact that, you know, were just temporary people with a very short time in a universe that will eventually be completely gone. And everything that you value, whether its Shakespeare, Beethoven, da Vinci, or whatever, will be gone. The earth will be gone. The sun will be gone. Therell be nothing. The best you can do to get through life is distraction. Love works as a distraction. And work works as a distraction. You can distract yourself a billion different ways. But the key is to distract yourself. > A guy will say, Well, I make my luck. And the same guy walks down the street and a piano thats been hoisted drops on his head. The truth of the matter is your life is very much out of your control.
Scan here with Netpage to hear audio from this interview.
Allen was photographed on June 3 at his office in Manhattan. His fortyeighth picture as a director, Blue Jasmine, is now in theaters.
THE
EAT LIKE A MAN
THE BEST WAY TO COOK IS AT SOMEONES KNEE. YOU STAND, YOU WATCH, YOU GET OUT OF THE WAY WHEN THEY NEED TO GET SOMETHING OFF THE STOVE. STAND THERE LONG ENOUGH AND YOU START TO PICK UP NOT ONLY LITTLE TIPS, LIKE HOW TO CHOP A PEPPER, BUT ALSO LARGER TRUTHS, LIKE WHY WE COOK AT ALL. HERE, FOUR WRITERS WITH VARYING LEVELS OF EXPERIENCE SHADOW FOUR GREAT CHEFS, EACH AT THE TOP OF HIS GAME. IT WAS LIKE A ONE-DAY CULINARY SCHOOL TAUGHT BY A MASTER. FEEL FREE TO STAND AND WATCH. RECIPES AS TOLD TO:
I L L U S T R AT I O N S B Y M I K E Y B U R T O N 193
LESSON NO. 1
A TOP CHEF MASTERS CONTESTANT ATTEMPTS TO TEACH A WRITER WHO CAN BARELY MAKE A BOWL OF CEREAL HOW TO CREATE FOOD THAT EXPRESSES LOVE AND TASTES DELICIOUS. IN FOUR HOURS. NO PROBLEM.
WRITER: CHEF: BRYAN VOLTAGGIO / LOCATION: RANGE, VOLTAGGIO'S RESTAURANT IN WASHINGTON, D. C. / DATE: JUNE 18, 2013 PHOTOGRAPHS BY MELISSA GOLDEN
CHEF WISDOM
1
Once in a while, make the tartar sauce yourself.

2
Clarified butter is butter from which the milk solids have been removed. It has a high smoke point, meaning you can get it hot enough for frying without setting off your smoke alarm.
3
Cooking is not art. Cooking is generosity.
It took a bit for Bryan Voltaggio, the famous young chef with a pig tattooed on his arm, to decide I really was the tragic miracle Id said I was. We were in the kitchen of his fourth and newest restaurant, Range, in Washington, D. C., pasta and cherry tomatoes and garlic simmering on the stove. A few minutes before, when I was cutting those same cherry tomatoes in half, I told him he was witnessing my rst time putting a knife to a vegetable. Not long after, he wondered aloud whether he was being set up as part of some elaborate prank. Thats when I mentioned Id never cracked an egg. How is that possible? Voltaggio said. How are you alive? I agreed that it was ridiculous for a thirty-nine-year-old man never to have cracked an egg, that it says something terrible about me as well as modern society that I can survive and in fact grow quite fat without acquiring even the most basic cooking skills, but nevertheless, I had never cracked an egg. Before entering Voltaggios kitchen, I had possibly prepared the least food of any fully functioning North American adult: one plate of pastadried noodles and jarred sauce just after Id graduated from Meal Plan University and one serving of Hamburger Helper, with which Id attempted to court the very good cook who somehow still became my wife. Other than those two barely digestible meals, whenever I have eaten, someone else has made my food for me, either because they love me or because I paid them. Only after Voltaggio watched me nervously crack that rst egg did he nally believe me. Nobodys that good an actor, he said. Voltaggio comes from a family of cooks and chefshe nished second to his brother, Michael, on the sixth season of Top Chefand to watch him work in a kitchen is to watch witchcraft, years of experience and observation and fever poured into a cauldron. In some ways, that afternoon at Range conrmed my guiding philosophy: We should do only those things at which we are good. Why would I cook when Bryan Voltaggio cooks? If cooking makes him happy, and eating his food makes me happy, why would I upset that happy order of things? It had never made sense to me, and today it would remain nonsensical but for the fact that after we nished making our pasta, Voltaggio and I made the crab-cake sandwich that changed my life. We didnt just make that sandwich. We Voltaggio (opposite, left) made every last component of that sandthought the writer was joking about having never wich from its most basic ingredients. We cracked an egg in his life. made the soft, hot rolls, washing them with
egg and sprinkling them with salt; we made the crab cakes, giant lumps of fresh crab combined with not much else and carefully levered into a pan of claried butter; we even made the tartar sauce, from Voltaggios original recipe, that went on top of the crab cakes like a blanket. Now, here I must confess: While making that tartar sauce, I was consumed by the cynicism of my former self. It took me maybe an hour of work, not including the time I would need at home to nd each of its fourteen ingredients. It required making grape-seed oil shimmer in the pan but not smokecanola oil would smell like rotting sh, Voltaggio said, the sort of wisdom that seems impossible for me to own and sweating diced celery, fennel, and onions, but not browning them. Alternatively, I could go out and buy a jar of tartar sauce in about six seconds. But then I nished Voltaggios recipe, and I tasted it, and I understood. It wasnt some small fraction better than factory-born tartar sauce. It was better by orders of magnitude, turning something incidental into something essential. I cant recall eating any single tartar sauce in my life except for that one. Then we put it on the sandwich, and then we ate the sandwich, and holy sweet Mary mother of baby Jesus, it was the best sandwich I have ever eaten. It was the sandwich I had been dreaming about my whole life put suddenly where it belonged, in my open, groaning mouth. What Voltaggio taught me, more than anything else, is that there is no particular magic in that trick. He refuses to call food art, or cooking artistry. That makes it sound more precious and inaccessible than it is. All good cooking requires, at its foundation, is generosity. Every decent meal I have eaten I have enjoyed because someone else had a big enough heart to make it. I always thought of my refusal to cook as a seless act: I was sparing the world my barbarism. In reality, learning how to make delicious whole food requires a capacity for goodness that I wish I didnt have to work so hard to possess. Yes, at some level, that crab-cake sandwich was just a sandwich, just caloric energy presented in a photogenic shape. But it was also this beautiful expression of care, this tender, charitable agreement that Bryan Voltaggio had made to teach me how to do some tiny fraction of what he does and to help me feel as though I could do more of it. I will make those crab-cake sandwiches again and again, partly because I couldnt live with the idea of never eating another one, but mostly because it will allow me to give something meaningful, my time and my effort, my attention and my education, to the people who remind me not only how I am alive but also why.
THE
RECIPE
MARYLAND CRAB-CAKE SANDWICH
CHEF: picked of shell fragments 1 cup cracker meal for breading 1 cup clarified butter* 8 buns, toasted and buttered IN A MEDIUM BOWL, combine the mayonnaise, Old Bay, Worcestershire, mustard, lemon juice, eggs, scallions, Tabasco, and sea salt. Using a wire whisk, mix the ingredients together to incorporate evenly. Add the crabmeat by thirds and fold gently with a spatula to be sure the crab does not get broken up. Evenly coat the bottom of a baking dish with a generous dusting of the cracker meal, about cup. Use an ice-cream scoop or a similar tool to divide crabmeat mixture into six or eight individual cakes. Place each crab cake in the cracker meal and dust with the remaining cracker meal, coating all sides. In a large frying pan, slowly heat the clarified butter. Use a candy thermometer to get it to 325 degrees, or stick the end of a chopstick into the butter when it gives off a steady stream of bubbles, youre at 325. Using a slotted metal or other high-heat-resistant spatula and working one at a time, place each cake into the butter, leaving a half inch between them so the crab cakes brown evenly. Cook crab cakes on both sides in the clarified butter, about 6 full minutes per side, until golden brown. (If you need to cook in multiple batches, set your oven at the lowest temperature and insert a cooling rack over a baking sheet, to rest the crab cakes on.) Let cakes sit for a minute, and then transfer them to the buns. Top with tartar sauce. (See Voltaggios recipe at Esquire.com/crabcake.) *Slowly melt three sticks of butter in a pan. When it starts bubbling, remove from heat. Using a spoon, remove white milk solids from the surface and discard. Pour the golden yellow layer of clarified butter into a containerthis is what you will cook with. Discard the solids remaining on the bottom.
SERVES: 6 TO 8 INGREDIENTS 7 Tbsp mayonnaise, preferably Dukes 1 Tbsp Old Bay 2 tsp Worcestershire sauce 2 tsp Dijon mustard 3 tsp lemon juice 2 eggs 4 scallions, minced 6 drops Tabasco sauce tsp fine sea salt 2 lbs jumbo lump crabmeat,
LESSON NO. 2
MAYBE YOU KNOW HOW TO COOK A LITTLE. MAYBE YOUVE BECOME PRETTY GOOD. THEN A MAN WHO HAS DEVOTED HIS LIFE TO COOKING SHOWS YOU HOW TO START OVER.
WRITER: CHEF: LINTON HOPKINS / LOCATION: RESTAURANT EUGENE, HOPKINSS RESTAURANT IN ATLANTA / DATE: JUNE 5, 2013 PHOTOGRAPHS BY GREGORY MILLER
I did everything right. I cut up some bacon and put it in gotten from his egg supplier that were stippled with yolk-yellow a pan. I removed the bacon when it was crisp, then put fat he didnt trim. The fat is what gives the stock its taste and colchopped onions in the fat. I added the lady peas and corn or, he said, and indeed, almost as soon as he put the hens in a pot I had bought at a farm stand, then some cherry toma- with vegetables and water and set the pot to the ame, the yellow toes, and got the whole thing bubbling. Some pasta, a dollop of fresh fat leached into the water and pooled atop its surface like beads of pestoI expected my wife and daughter to greet it with applause, custard. Thats the color commercial-stock makers try to get by or at least the ravening hunger that is the home cooks true reward. adding turmeric and other coloring agents. I didnt get either. The dish was gray and soggy, stranded someHopkins was not teaching me to cook, much less allowing me to where between a minestrone soup and a vegetable pasta. You couldnt cook. He was simply making lunch. But at every step of the way, he taste the peas. My daughter provided the most damning criticism at was showing me where Id gone wrongwhere Id lost avor and a childs disposal: She asked for spaghetti with butter and cheese. he built it. Flavor, he said, was not inherent in a recipe; it was inIt hit me that while I may be a pretty good home cook, I am not a herent in the kitchen, in the accumulation of decisions made along home chef. I dont know how to build avors, as they say on the the way, in the quality of the ingredients and the care you take with cooking shows. And so it was that two days after my pasta failure, I them. And that was the lesson: He was always cooking, he was nevwent to see Linton Hopkins. er cooking. He hardly ever stirred; he tasted and smelled and lisHopkins is the chef and owner of Atlantas Restaurant tened. Chefs stir because they want to feel like theyre Eugene. On the morning I drove to see him, I turned on doing something. But I tell my chefs that observing is dothe radio and there he was, talking not just about Mas- Hopkins (left) hardly ing something. Thats why I dont listen to music when stirred. He tering the Art of French Cooking, by Julia Child, but al- ever I cook. You hear that? he said, indicating the pan of ontasted, he smelled, so about The Iliad, by Homer. He is as stocky as a butch- he listened. ions sizzling with an insistent pneumatic hiss and caraer and as bald as a monk, with a gap between his teeth and eyes that brighten like a babys when he talks about food. When I arrived at his restaurant, he was standing in the kitchen, shaking a container of lady peas. There was a pale slab of smoked bacon on the steel counter, sweating in the warmth of the kitchen. With a small sharp knife, he cut off a piece and put it in a small pot, along with some water, some peashe didnt measure and some salt. Then he turned on the ame, bringing the peas to a boil, then down to a simmer. And then he kept on simmering them until he spooned a few out of the pot and squeezed one like a bug between his thumb and his forenger. You want to cook peas until you can smear them between your ngers. You added your tomatoes before you cooked the peaswell, the acid in the tomatoes stopped the peas from cooking. Thats why you couldnt taste the peas. He asked what Id used for stock. I told him: a cardboard box. He said, We all have to do that sometimes. But what a difference it will make if you make your own. He cut a couple chickens in half, old laying hens hed
melizing as thick as jam. Thats my music. I hear that sound and I dont have to look at it. I know its right. And so: Dont break eggs against an edge but rather on a at surface. Dont slice butter; shave it. Dont chop onions; section them. Add salt at every stage and you wont have to add so much at the end. When you add garlic to cooking onions, dont let it touch the pan; let the garlic steam atop the onions until you can smell it. Dont toast bread crumbs from the crust of the breadits already been toasted. And although the world is a better place when you make your own mayonnaise, the mayonnaise is better the farther away it is from a machine. None of this seemed intimidating until I ate Hopkinss chicken llets and perloo, which tasted not like the product of an accumulation of decisions but rather the most mysterious alchemy, all the
avor of the chicken fat nding its way into the unstirred rice that crusted at the bottom of the pan, all the smell of the pig smoke nding its way into the peas that sat for more than two hours in the water aggressively salted with mild Diamond Crystal. Lunch was so good it made me slightly dizzy when I ate it, and the next night, I tried applying what Id learned to my pasta dish. I cooked the peas separately, with squiggles of supermarket bacon, and made my own stock with pale supermarket birds. I also banged around the kitchen for hours, lling the sink with a Thanksgivings worth of pots and pans, and when I emerged from the tumult and served the dish to my family, two things were clear: First, we could nally taste the peas. And second, I was a beginner again.
CHEF WISDOM
1
Dont break eggs against the edge of the bowl. Use a hard, flat surface, like the counter. No fragments.
2
When cooking, season with a little salt at every stage, tasting along the way, and you wont have to add so much at the end.
3
The world is a better place when you make your own mayonnaise.
THE
RECIPE
PERLOO
CHEF: (about half an onion) cup green bell pepper, diced (about half a pepper) cup celery, diced (about one center stalk not one of the big outer ones) 1 fresh bay leaf 3 Tbsp minced garlic 5 whole San Marzano tomatoes from a can, center membrane removed and crushed by hand 2 cups Carolina gold rice 4 cups chicken stock, preferably homemade 4 Tbsp chopped flat-leaf parsley kosher salt and freshly cracked black pepper PLACE PEAS, BACON, water, and 2 Tbsp salt in a small pan and bring to a boil. Reduce to a simmer and cook until peas are soft but still intact, 15 to 20 minutes. Turn off heat and set aside. In a large pan with high sides and a lid, melt duck or chicken fat over low heat, then add onions, stirring to coat them. Cook until very soft, 10 to 15 minutes. Add bell pepper, celery, and bay leaf, and cook until vegetables are well softened. Spread vegetable mix uniformly across the base of the pan and sprinkle the garlic over top, letting the heat rising through the vegetables melt the garlic. Add tomatoes, bring up heat gently, and stir until steam rises. (You dont want the vegetables browned, just lightly colored.) Add rice, stir to coat, and add stock, making sure rice is coated. Bring to a simmer, add 1 tsp salt, and taste broth, adjusting with more salt until the broth tastes rich. Drain peas and add to top of simmering liquid in a uniform layer, cover, and cook until rice is done, about 15 minutes at a steady, low simmer. Turn off heat, spread parsley across top, and let sit for another 10 minutes to let rice soften some more and to allow flavors to come together. Crack black pepper on top and serve.
SERVES: 4 TO 6 INGREDIENTS 2 cups lady peas, rinsed one 2-inch-square piece smoked slab bacon 4 cups water 4 Tbsp duck fat or chicken fat (available at butcher shops, good grocery stores, and dartagnan.com) 1 cup Vidalia onion, diced
197
CHEF WISDOM
1
When youre buying fish, always ask if they have anything special in the back. The stuff in the case is what theyre trying to move.
2
If you dont really want to cook, a pressure cooker can be a wonderful thing.
3
Cooking fish skin-side down requires a very, very hot cooking surface. You want crispy, not soggy.
LESSON NO. 3
AND WHO YOU ARE NOT IS WOLFGANG PUCK . ONCE YOURE AWARE OF THAT, YOULL DISCOVER THE WAY YOU LIKE TO COOK.
WRITER: CHEF: WOLFGANG PUCK / LOCATION: SPAGO, PUCKS RESTAURANT IN BEVERLY HILLS / DATE: JUNE 11, 2013 PHOTOGRAPHS BY JEFF MINTON
So I hit the road later than planned and the trafc is brutal and it takes nearly three hours instead of ninety THE minutes to drive home from Long Beach, California, where Ive spent the past month on and off, engaged in one of those blurry extended projects. pinch freshly ground Its a little past dinnertime when I arrive. My son, Miles, is in situ SALMON FOR black pepper in the rec room with his boyz when I arrive. Big Z is six six, 340. THE SINGLE DAD cup canola or safflower oil Theres a permanent dent in our ten-foot sofa where he sleeps. Smitty is known for his sweet jumper. I can always tell when hes in the CHEF: PREHEAT AN OUTDOOR or countertop grill/griddle. house because theres a trail of crumbs from the kitchen. I linger a Rub the salmon fillets on few moments against the doorpost of their clubhouse. When he was both sides with olive oil and little, I used to tell Miles that Daddy had to leave sometimes to bring SERVES: 4 thyme, and season them with home the meat. Eyes riveted to his screen, my now-eighteen-yearsalt and pepper. Grill fillets INGREDIENTS skin-side down for about 8 old manages a grunt hello. Whats for dinner? he asks. 4 wild Alaskan salmon fillets, minutes, then cover for 3 minTwo hours laterfour rib eyes, three pounds of wedge fries from about 4 oz each utes more. (If grilling indoors, the deli counter, and three heads of romaineI have brought home extra-virgin olive oil you can cover with a metal the actual meat and cooked it on the grill. The dishes are done. The 4 tsp chopped fresh thyme bowl or pot.) Fillets should be coarse kosher salt medium-rare. Set aside. garbage is out. Im plowing through the stack of e-mails when I come freshly ground black Drain arugula and pat thorto one from my editor. pepper oughly dry with a clean kitchA cooking lesson? Oh, joy! en towel or paper towels. In a By nine in the morning, were in Wolfgang Pucks Escalade, taking ARUGULA SALAD small bowl, combine the mussurface streets through Little Tokyo. Within sight of the towers of 4 cups baby arugula leaves, tard, tarragon, vinegar, salt, rinsed of sand and soaked in and pepper. Whisk togethdowntown Los Angeles, we seem to have been removed to another water mixed with ice cubes er until well blended. While part of the planet. Iron bars and barbed wire dominate the landscape; for 1 hour whisking continuously, slowfew of the signs are in English. I have my son with me. Hes sitting in 2 large tomatoes, seeded and ly pour in the oil to form a thick the back with two empty child seats belonging to Pucks young sons. cut into eighths emulsion. coarse kosher salt Put the arugula and tomaWe are headed to Pucks regular wholesale sh market. The funfreshly ground black pepper toes in a large salad bowl. Add ny thing is this: My son doesnt eat sh. I guess I can try it if Wolfdesired amount of vinaigrette, gang Puck cooks it for me, hed earlier decided, ever the mensch. VINAIGRETTE season to taste with salt and The sh market is cold, wet, and shy, with guys scurrying around 1 tsp Dijon mustard pepper, and toss the salad un1 tsp fresh tarragon, til the leaves are evenly coatin rubber boots. Puck is shown a 450-pound toro, forty-nine dollars minced ed. Mound on individual plates a pound. He borrows a knife and cuts thin slices. I know this is sup1 tsp sherry vinegar and top each with a salmon posed to be a delicacy, and if it was a little later than ten in the morn tsp salt fillet. Serve immediately. ing, I would be gushing about the fresh taste and texture. But the place is really shy smelling, and the lobsters hes buying are struggling in the box, and my son has plastered on his face this horrible rictus of a cooking oil and grills it, skin down, for no more than a few minutes. smile that reminds me of all the dead sh faces surrounding us (and, One of the line guys throws together an arugula salad with a light in turn, of Tony Sopranos sh-market dream sequence) . . . so it was vinaigrette. just kind of nauseating. Delicious. By noon, were at Pucks landmark restaurant, Spago, in Beverly Though Im not really sure my son will ever request it. Hills. In the kitchen proper, more than a dozen people in white coats Puck seemed to hear me when he prescribed this easy dish and are performing their carefully choreographed rituals. Eventually, one other involving a pressure cooker, which he gave to me as a gift. Puck reappears in his own white coat. He clears a spot on the end of For that, and for his time, I am grateful. But now I must faithfully rethe line, near an appliance called a circulatora metal vat of preci- port that, according to Esquires test chefs, a pot of tepid water and a sion-temperature swirling waterwhich he will use but assures me I Ziploc baggie will not work for this recipein fact, had I done it that wont need at home. (A pot of warm water on the stove will do, he says.) way, I might have made us sick. You need the expensive equipment. A piece of Pacic king salmon is laid before him, a pinkish eightIts wonderful so many derive so much pleasure from incorporatounce rectangle with skin on one side. Puck sprinkles pepper and a ing fresh, healthy, and vogue ingredients into new recipes. I get it: little salt. Without looking up, he calls for basil, a little thyme, and a People need art. People need hobbies. People need to take the time to plastic bagamid a chorus of Yes, chef, celebrate and savor and practice their use the ingredients appear. of the myriad descriptive adjectives necHe sets the circulator to 140 degrees essary anymore to the proper enjoyment Fahrenheit, then places the sh and herbs of our bodys sustaining fuel. into a plastic bag and applies olive oil libBut when Im at home feeding myself erally. At the last moment, he spots a box and my kid, for me, at least, its more about of chanterelle mushrooms and adds seversurvivalism: What can I make quickly inal to the bagfor a woody taste. The bag is to a meal? whisked away and sealed in a vacuum sealMaybe next year, when my son is at coler (Puck says I can use a Ziploc at home, lege and Im all alone, as he reminds me, no problem) and placed into the water in Ill have more time on my hands to dick the circulator. around with my food before I eat it. (left) was shopping for a forty-nine-dollar-perTen minutes later, the sh is warm, pli- Puck Wait a minute. pound toro for a gala. The writer (above, behind able, and aromatic. He sprays the skin with dead crab) just needed to feed his teenaged son. Women love salmon, dont they?
RECIPE
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LESSON NO. 4
PETE GHIONE, WHO RUNS A COLOSSAL DAILY BUFFET, COOKS ONE STEP AT A TIME. SOMETIMES, ALL THE FORGETTABLE LITTLE STEPS ADD UP TO A MEAL YOULL ALWAYS REMEMBER. OR, YOU KNOW, SALSA.
WRITER: CHEF: PETE GHIONE / LOCATION: HORSESHOE CASINO, CINCINNATI / DATE: JUNE 15, 2013 PHOTOGRAPHS BY DAVID LA SPINA
The chef wants me to use one pan. One bowl. One spoon. He wants me to do my work in a single corner of one table in one of nine kitchens tucked into the labyrinth of tunnels beneath the new Horseshoe Casino in Cincinnati, three of which are devoted to the scale and service of the sprawling casino buffet, which serves German, Asian, Italian, American, and Mexican food, plus a separate salad bar, soup-and-bread station, and dessert spread. Ovens are wired to the chefs computer; walk-in freezers are matched by walk-in ovens. Pallets of mayonnaise sit on the polished concrete loading dock. But the chef, Pete Ghione, asks that I ignore all that. I came here to learn what I could from a chef who cooks for thousands of people a day, and his rst lesson is: Cooking is a small job. Finite work. One simple task connected to the next. Right now, he wants me to pick up a Roma tomato, core it, and cut it lengthwise. That is my job. Casinos always toy with scale. I once stood in a tunnel beneath the Mirage Hotel in Las Vegas, where I got to shake hands with both Siegfried and Roy. Just as my brother and I were about to get our photo taken with them, the four of us were forced to make way for a kitchen worker pushing a spotless cart of beautifully chopped iceberg lettuce. Three cubic yards of it. Somehow astounding. We all stared silently at the scale of the thing. Zhat is for buffet, Roy whispered to me, as if that explained things. Or excused them. His breath smelled like parsley. When youre sitting at that blackjack table in the middle of four million square feet of slots and showgirls and hospitality suites, the whole universe is you and your three hundred bucks. Distance, size, and perspective are fun-house-mirrored. That may be why Ghione is teaching me three compact, salsa is quiet, reliable recipes in the middle of the hub- Ghiones a master class in bub. One corner of one counter. He describes each creating flavor.
dishorange-chicken tacos, avocado salad, charred-tomato salsa as a series of isolated yet interdependent steps. You dont have to make things more complicated. You dont have to cook too much food or food that requires every bit of your energy. You just have to make good elemental food. You present it that way and it works on a kitchen table in an apartment or on a huge buffet line. There is no difference, he is saying, between usme, a guy who cooks at home for a few people at a time, and him, with his clientele of hungry hordes. Oil the grill, not the tomatoes. This keeps them from getting greasy and overmoist. Little lessons spill out of him. Simplicity matters more to me because it gives me the time to enjoy what I do. So I cook more, I guess, he says. But I cook better food. Still, at rst the lesson plan he has devised for me doesnt sound like enough work. Not enough that Ill learn from it. The salsa is simply six piles of vegetables, roasted and pureed. But immediately, he starts breaking it into steps, and in each step lies wisdom. Grill the onions rst, to avor the grill. Roast the tomatoes with the skin to the heatkeeps them from steaming, getting mushy. Time the roasting of the other vegetables around the tomatoes roasting. When the tomatoes have blackened on the skin side, ip them over until the open side starts to show some black. Ghione wants me to work quicker, to be more systematic in turning the vegetables toward the heat. Being fast doesnt have anything to do with being a chef. It has to do with the changes youre bringing about in the food, he says. Uniformity keeps it simple. You dont want to be problem-solving when you cook. You want to make something reliable and good. You need to work fast to keep things even. Dont doze your way through a dish. I admit to him that I dont ever eat roasted tomatoestoo soupy, too lacking in texture. But the taste is remarkable, he says. The charred skin is key. Thats a avor you wantand texture is eliminated, because well puree it in the end. The other kitchens surge toward the lunch buffet. Questions y at Ghione. He answers without looking up. He is focused on this spot, where he and I work. Work the avocado in the cup of its skin. Mash it in there. You wont have to fool around with another bowl. His buffet chef checks in just as we nish the salsa, which weve blended in a food processor. Ghiones mind is on what hes about to eat. The three of us eat it on chips while its still hot, right out of the food processor. They are two men at the front end of a massive parade of food, pausing to marvel at what six vegetables, roasted and blended just so, have become. We should serve this, the buffet chef says, jabbing at the salsa with a chip in his ngers. Jeez, thats good. We should serve it warm, like this. Weve made only the one bowl, a small pleasure in a vast space. This can be done again and again.
CHEF WISDOM
1
Oil the grill more than the vegetables. This keeps them from getting greasy and overmoist.
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Always grill the onions first. To flavor the grill.

3
Working fast is not about showing off. Its about keeping things even so that there are no surprises.
THE
RECIPE
CHARRED-TOMATO SALSA
CHEF: 10 Roma tomatoes, cut in half lengthwise 6 scallions, stem ends removed 1 white onion, peeled and sliced -inch thick 2 poblano chile peppers 2 red jalapeo chile peppers VERY LIGHTLY OIL and salt vegetables and chile peppers. Working on a hot grill seasoned with canola oil, char each ingredient until caramelized and tender the skin will pucker and slightly blackenstarting skin-side down for the tomatoes. Peel the skin and remove stems from the chile peppers once they have cooled to the touch. Place all charred vegetables in a blender or food processor. ADD TO VEGETABLE mix in blender: 10 cilantro sprigs 2 cloves garlic, peeled and sliced thin juice of two limes tsp ground cumin PUREE FOR ABOUT 20 seconds and adjust flavor with salt. Serve warm or at room temperature.
SERVES: 4 INGREDIENTS canola oil and sea salt
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now, Alex Jones cant relax. Two weeks after he enraged the entire country by naming the U. S. government as Suspect No. 1 in the bloody slaughter at the Boston Marathon, the radio host and avatar of modern American paranoia is on vacation with his family in Hot Springs, Arkansas. He goes to museums with his kids, takes in the Romanesque baths, laments the decay of the grand old hotels that drew high rollers like Al Capone and Franklin Delano Roosevelt, hikes up hillsides steamy with the mist from the natural hot springs that bubble right out of the rocks. But everywhere he looks there are fresh assaults on the American way of life, on liberty itself, and the raging radio voice that transforms him from a gentle family man into a ranting prophet keeps taking demonic possession of his soul. I know theyre going to try to use whatever crisis unfolds, all the different special interests, to sell thousands of robots at millions of dollars apiece in big cities and small towns. Theyre going to sell armored vehicles and surveillance and data mining. Theyre going to use it to try to take freedom and offer this lie that the governments there to protect you and CAN protect you, but A, it cant protect you, and B, it doesnt WANT to protect you. Its just a complete fraud! Look at Katrina! Look at Hurricane Sandy! FEMA put up signs saying, Closed this week for bad weather! ITS ALL A JOKE! At a time when 44 percent of Republicans believe that an armed revolution in order to protect liberties might be necessary and 54 percent of all Americans think the federal government has too much power, when an entire class of freshman congressmen is throwing any monkey wrench it can nd into the democratic process, this is the voice that made Jones famous and rich and astonishingly inuential in the conservative movement. His suspicion of the Boston bombing was quickly echoed by New Hampshire state representative Stella Tremblay, who wondered if the man who lost both his legs wasnt faking it. His fears of the government buying up bullets got support from Lou Dobbs and Brian Kilmeade on Fox, leading to congressional hearings spearheaded by Republican congressmen Jason Chaffetz and Jim Jordan, and Fox regular Andrew Napolitano echoed his accusations of government involvement in 9/11. His theories about Benghazi were down204 E S Q U I R E S E P T E M B E R 2 0 1 3
JONES IN HIS AUSTIN RADIO STUDIO, FROM WHICH HE PROJECTS HIS VOICE TO AN AUDIENCE OF MILLIONS OVER MORE THAN A HUNDRED STATIONS. WITH HIS INFOWARS.COM AND PRISONPLANET. COM, JONES HAS A LARGER ONLINE AUDIENCE THAN RUSH LIMBAUGH AND GLENN BECK COMBINED.
right moderate compared with those of Congressman Darrell Issa, who accused the Obama administration of deliberately withholding military support during a terrorist attack. Ron and Rand Paul appear on his show, and Rand has accused Obama, in words that could have come out of Joness mouth, of being part of the antiAmerican globalist plot against our Constitution. The Drudge Report has linked to 244 of his stories in the last two years alone, hes friends with celebrities like Charlie Sheen and Jesse Ventura, his Web sites get up to a million visitors a day. Last year he earned nearly $7 million, plowing all of it right back into his business. All of this drives the Left into a fury. Here are typical comments from a liberal Web site: Mr. Jones should be strapped to the oor of a padded cell and pumped full of Thorazine. I guarantee he doesnt believe his own spiel. Hes a carny. What worries me is the number of rubes on the midway who buy what he sells.
EXAMPLE, DISGUSTS HIM. IM SICK OF IT. ABSOLUTELY, PEOPLE SHOULD BE ABLE TO GET MARRIED.
Actually, I do think Jones is crazy. This has been going on for years before he got any kind of public attention. It is all about website hits. Mr. Jones makes his money $.01 at a time. None of this is true. However extreme and paranoid and downright cartoonish his unending stream of alarm can be, Jones believes every word he says and can prove it with a personal stash of food big enough to last three years. And if they bothered to look without prejudice, these righteous leftists would see that Jones covers issues like the drug war, the growing security state, and Monsantos genetic modication of food exactly the way they do, just as many of his themes were echoed by the Occupy movement. Their personal attacks just evade the far more troubling question of why so many people on all sides of the political spectrum now believe such radical ideaswhy the coal-mine canaries who scream about poison gas whenever hard times come have suddenly appeared everywhere, ocking left and right and straight into the halls of Congress. At a time when America seems to be minting a thousand new Alex Joneses every day, the bigger question is: What changed? Have these people gone crazy, or do they actually see something the rest of us dont? How do you make an Alex Jones? In person, he is amiable and easygoing. Average in height, with a bulldog chest and rounded face that is slowly absorbing his ne-cut features, he seems eternally weary and beleaguered in a way thats almost old-fashioned, as if hes bearing a great burden for the sake of others. He has a bad limp that he attributes to his years as a street-ghting teenager. He will talk endlessly about his ideas but seems genuinely embarrassed by talking about himself. He addresses everyone as brother. Hes patient with his children and humane to his employees. Today, in Hot Springs, hes visibly exhausted. Dressed in blue jeans and a western shirt with the pocket darned, he limps up and down the main drag and vents a bewildering variety of conspiracy theories about everything from the Kennedy assassination to the moon landings to Timothy McVeighs Murrah Building bombinghe thinks they were all stagedwith frequent asides about the trip he took with his kids this morning through the labyrinthine tunnels of a science-museum exhibit called Underground Arkansas. It was like some nightmare, he tells me, and Im not even claustrophobic. Then his radio voice begins to creep in. By the fteenth tube I climbed through with my kids, it was just exhaustinga torture device! To my surprise, Jones often sounds quite liberal. The opposition to gay marriage disgusts him, for example. Quite frankly, Im sick of it. Absolutely, people should be able to get married. Same with abortion. I get a womans right, I get all those real arguments. And the death penalty. I believe in the death penalty, but it has to be abolished because you cant trust a corrupt government to implement it. Like Texas will put people on death row and
when it comes out theyre innocent, they try to keep them there. Even undocumented migrants. Theyre here to give corporations subsidized low wagesbecause they cant live on the low wages they get, so they give them the welfare, and thats designed to give the big corporations an unfair trading advantage. Theyre using poverty as a tool of control. Indeed, his suspicion of big business verges on Marxism. The big corporations talk free market, but theyre the ones that are actually pushing regulations to shut down competitionits just such a screw job. It comes as no surprise that hes a fan of the Wachowski brothers, the lmmakers who made The Matrix and V for Vendetta, tales of the relentless malcontents who squirm through the tunnels of our endlessly networked world. Those guys are patriots, he says. And I admire that Wachowski brother who had a different identity and became Lana. Thats what its all about, he says. How can you embrace one liberty and not embrace them all? These are the qualities that explain his popularity with young listeners whod shoot holes in the radio at the braying sneers of Rush Limbaughlike this young man coming down the sidewalk with a picture of a cat licking its balls on his T-shirt. At the sight of Jones, he stops in his tracks and breaks into a smile. What are you doing in Hot Springs, man? Jones smiles back. Hey, brother, how you doing? After the usual small talk, the man in the cat shirt has an urgent question. What do you think about Bitcoin, man? Ive said Im all for diversity in currencies, Jones answers in his weary way, the world on his shoulders. Private gold, silver, digital, paper, city currencies, county currencies, organizational currencies. I believe we need competition to the Federal Reserve. Absolutely, the man says. The government is planning its own global SDR digital currency, Jones continues. Unless they control Bitcoin, theyre going to destroy it. And when its destroyed, theyll say I supported it. They always do that, the man agrees. In no hurry, Jones lingers, talking about Hot Springs. When he was a kid, his dad brought him here six or seven times. They would camp by the clearest deepwater lake in America and wind up the week at the best hotel in town. Now look at the place. Look at what globalism has done to America. Listen to that giant sucking sound. You should come to our new restaurant, the man says. Hobbling on, Jones returns to his obsessions. He still insists that the Boston bombing was a false ag operation, but a false ag doesnt mean its always the government at work, he says. It might be corporate interests, it could be other governments, it could even be actual terrorists who are purposely left alone so the government can take advantage of the publics fear to launch a war. Theres a pattern to these things. If theres a bombing drill happening at the same time, if they quickly catch suspects who have connections to Western intelligence agencies, if the suspects were on terrorism lists but slipped through the governments nets, that bombing was 95 percent likely to have been staged. This is the government that lied about WMD, this is the government that lied about Syria using chemical weapons, this is a government USING Al Qaeda to take over Libya and now Syria, that publicly brags We need Al Qaeda. Hes referring to a pre-9/11 paper from the neocon Project for the New American Century that said the public wouldnt accept higher levels of security absent some catastrophic and catalyzing eventlike a new Pearl Harbor, which of course is different from actually calling for a new Pearl Harbor. But in his fever-dream version of America, inference is evidence and everything bad is true.
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HOW DO YOU MAKE AN ALEX JONES? CLOCKWISE FROM ABOVE: ON THE STEPS OF THE U.S. CAPITOL IN 1982, ON A FAMILY TRIP TO WASHINGTON, AGED EIGHT; SIXTH GRADE, ROCKWALL, TEXAS; DISNEY WORLD WITH HIS PARENTS AT TEN; AS A BABY WITH HIS PARENTS, WHITE ROCK LAKE, TEXAS.
He continues venting. And yet theyre going to sit there and hyperventilate and make this big production out of Boston and say Oh my God, its the Muslim extremists, weve got to give our rights upand then it turns out the older brother was sponsored into Georgia, he was allowed to travel back and forth under an assumed name. First the FBI said, We never heard of him, then it turns out they did know him. These guys are classic intelligence cutouts, like Mohammed Atta of 9/11 fame, trained on a U. S. military base. On he goes, leaping from slippery rock to slippery rockbig banks laundering drug money, rigging the stock market with global interest-rate xing and insider trading, the long history of neocon support for the Afghani mujahideen who became Al Qaeda. Every time, he weaves bits of truth into a blanket statement about the world. The public is so naive, man. He winces. My leg is just throbbing. You want to sit down? No, I need to walk it off. There is something oddly comforting about being with Jones. In a world where so many of us suffer from an inability to constellate, the modern afiction where stars no longer arrange themselves into the outlines of gods, he has the reassuring authority of Father Knows Best updated for the apocalypse. But when hes talking in italics, it must be said, the dude is freakin exhausting: the beige Volkswagen Ted Bundy drove, the name of the guy who bombed the Reichstag, the connections between Malthus and Margaret Sanger, on and on until you feel like youre being smothered with a pile of mimeographed pamphlets. Now its a quote from former secretary of state Madeleine Albright. The way he puts it, she was asked on NBC or ABC if the death of ve hundred thousand Iraqi children was a good price to pay for security in the Middle East, and she said yes. Ill have to check the quote, I say, mentioning the documentary where he claimed that Kissinger said Obama would create the New World Order, but what Kissinger actually said on206 E S Q U I R E S E P T E M B E R 2 0 1 3
screen was that Obama was so popular overseas, hed reset our foreign policy. Henry Kissinger has written papers about what he means by a New World Order. But thats not what he said. He said Barack Obama will bring a New World Order. No, he didnt. He said Barack Obama would be good for our foreign policy because hes so popular. He didnt use the phrase New World Order. He did say New World Order. Even if he did, he didnt mean it the way you do. Why would he admit to some sort of tyrannical plot to conquer the world? They say it all the time, he insists. They brag that Europe is run by private central-bank technocrats. They have written no exaggerationits got to be ve hundred articles in the last two or three years, in the Financial Times of London and everywhere else, describing the end of international sovereignty and these boards and combines running things. This is not my opinion! Hundreds of books have been written by them! But they dont say, We want to do this so we can dominate the world and have bigger mai tais or whatever it is they supposedly want. No, they say theyre meeting in secret and then it leaks to some of the British newspapers. Couple years ago, Richest People in the World Meet in Secret to Discuss Overpopulation at Rockefeller University in New York. And they SAY this! Its like the world governments already there! Theyre just mopping up a few sectors! And then its David Rockefeller there, as the grand architect of it all. I cant help laughing. Not David Rockefeller, too. He sighs. Fine. None of its going on. I apologize, none of its real. But when I check the Albright quote, it turns out she did say yes when asked if the death of ve hundred thousand Iraqi children was worth it. She was sandbagged by a 60 Minutes reporter and she was talking about Clintons economic sanc-
tions, which were an effort to pressure Saddam Hussein and placate Republicans while avoiding a hot warbut either way, the children died. Another fan comes up. Hey Alex, how you doing? Hey brother! How you doing? Doin okay! Well, good to meet you! Jones says. Smiling, he points at the mans T-shirt. Thats a Target shirt. Ive got that same shirt. The fan moves on, and Jones is already onto Sirhan Sirhan when another stranger says hello, handing over a business card. Were right next to the Subway, he says. And we have the best burgers in Arkansas. They start talking about the Murrah Building bombing, which is when this particular strangerwho describes himself as having liberal inclinationsbecame a fan. Another man stops. Whats up, man? The rst man says, This is Alex Jones! The fancy people y to Europe for their vacations now, leaving Hot Springs as tattered as so much of the heartland. But Alex Jones is here. His fans stand around starstruckand grateful.
by the PR man for the John Birch Society, it claims that a conspiracy of international bankers nanced the communist revolution in Russia as part of a long-term plan to control the world through big government, false ags, gun control, social-welfare programs, and central banking. The world was like one of those childrens paintings that seems like one thing to the zombied people who buy the ofcial story, but reveals the hidden truth to those who look more closely. Published in 1972, the book sold ve million copies. For a fertile and suspicious imagination, None Dare Call It Conspiracy was rocket fuel, and its little surprise that Jones grew into a deant and embattled teenager. Beset by bullies with mustaches but eternally unwilling to back down, Jones got into ght after ght and fought back with gusto. The way he tells the story, worried that he sounds like Im trying to say I was James Dean or something, he put one bigger kid in a hospital with a cracked skull, nailed another guy in the trachea, and earned his limp when he drove the wrong girl home and ve guys jumped up and down on his leg. I was probably in the hospital ve or six times, he says. The story only gets more Jones-esque from there, as our young
IN THE PAST THREE YEARS, HIS STAFF HAS GROWN FROM FIFTEEN TO FIFTY. ITS BIG, MAN, HE SAYS. I ALMOST DON'T WANT THEM TO KNOW, CAUSE THEY WILL KILL MY ASS.
As much as Jones likes to talk, the one thing he doesnt like to talk about is his childhood. He squirms, he groans, he gets visibly embarrassed. But hes too polite not to give it a shot. My parents werent big TV watchers, and my mom and my dad liked reading history books. So I went to the library a lot, and I read a lot of history. And when you read history Hes at his fans restaurant now, drinking a glass of homemade ginger ale while the owner watches. Damn, its strong. But good? Instead of answering, Jones asks how they make it. The man explains and Jones takes it in, a sounding board for humanity. But eventually he goes away and Jones must return to his uncomfortable task. So when you read history, the truth is condensed for you the subterfuge, the manipulations, the setups. Already hes back to his beloved themes. Days go by before he dribbles out the story, but one thing that comes through loud and clear is that Jones was primed for his worldview by virtue of place. Born into an old Texas family that fought in all the wars of independence and raised by a father who blended the long-haired antiwar government-hating sentiments of his college years in the 1960s with the more traditional government-hating sentiments of southern populism, Jones learned his hatred of the East Coast elites in his sandbox. The lessons his father passed on included, for example, a warning not to check the organ-donor box on his drivers license or risk having his organs harvested. By fourteen, Jones was reading everything from science ction to Hemingway to Graham Greenes The Quiet American, the classic left-wing novel about a CIA agent who creates a puppet government in Vietnam by staging a terror attack. He loved Byrons Childe Harolds Pilgrimage, the poem that introduced the Byronic hero (brilliant, alienated, irresistible to women) to the world. But his most inuential read was None Dare Call It Conspiracy, a book he found on his fathers shelf when he was about twelve or thirteen. Written
hero says he discovered that the local DARE cops were actually dealing drugs on the side. I would be at the pool, twelve years old, watching the guy sell drugs to some housewife, and Id see some of the very same people coming to school and theyd have drug dogs and theyd say we may start drug-testing you, were gonna search the lockers. Of course he couldnt help shooting off his mouthYoure gonna sit here and lecture us when youre a drug dealer?and of course the cops responded by arresting him over and over. I would be at a bonre and the cops would show up and be like, All right, youre publicly intoxicated, and I hadnt even drank a beer yet. It was just boom, arrest me, arrest me. Finally some good ol boy called his dad and told him, Look, theyre gonna kill your son. You need to move outta town. Its hard to say how much of this is true. Like the blues singer who went to the crossroads to trade his soul for guitar chops, Jones has the performers tendency to sincere exaggeration. But its certain that the Jones family moved to Austin, where the liberal culture meant fewer bullies and more art programs. Instead of ghting, Jones began to paint. Before long, he was a hardcore Ron Paul libertarian with a zesty tang of the famous Austin weirdness, the nal ingredient that makes Jones his unique crossover self, the Mao and Muhammad of the emerging political style called fusion paranoia. After a brief stint at Austin Community College, he dropped out and started thinking of ways to make an honest living. Artist? Park ranger? He always had a knack for imitating the voices on the TVmaybe he could do voice-overs? He began listening to talk-radio hosts like Rush Limbaugh, who were just beginning their spectacular rise to power. Then he picked up a book by Carroll Quigley, a pivotal gure in the conspiracy world who was once professor toinsert theramin music hereBill Clinton himself. He raced on to Heinz Hhnes The Order of the Deaths Head, an expos of the secret plots and subterfuge practiced by Hitlers SS. That connected with the things hed been learning about Defense Department black ops
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like Operation Northwoods, a endish plan to justify an invasion of Cuba by sinking a boatload of Cuban refugeesand never mind that Northwoods was never put into action or that Quigley repudiated the theories attributed to him. The stars lined up and Jones had glimpsed the outlines of gods. Soon he felt an overwhelming urge to get on the radio and spread this hidden knowledge to the world. Now its time to go, but the restaurant owner refuses to give him a check. Im going to pay you guys, Jones insists. No way, the owner responds. Believe it or not, youve done more for me than you could ever know. Jones seems almost embarrassed. Oh, youre too nice, man. But what he would like, the owner adds shyly, is a photo with the great Alex Jones. And he knows just where he wants to take the shotin front of the giant poster of Willie Nelson in a gas mask. That night, as we wait for his wife at the hotel bar, another fan approaches. He has a thick Arkansas accent and a story about a buddy who led an Army platoon in Iraq. He said he almost got court-martialed for telling the guys, Were going door-to-door looking for guns, looking for bullets, ghting for stuff we would shoot some son of a bitch for doing back home. So Alex has fans at Fort Hood? Oh yeah, theyre all listeners. By this time, Jones has lled in the story of his rise, how he
Gradually, as the Iraq war fell into blood, chaos, he rebuilt his audience. When YouTube debuted in 2005, unleashing him through the miracle of free bandwidth, his show began a steady expansion to its current 160 stations. His movies get ten million views in a single week, and his Web sites get as many as a million visitors a day. In the last three years, his staff has grown from fteen people to fty. Its big, man, he says. I almost dont want them to know, cause they will come kill my ass. Finally his wife, Kelly, comes down, wearing cowboy boots with pink owers and a rufed shirt that blurs the distance between sexy and wholesome. Shes the classic sweet southern wife youd meet at a bake sale, kind of heavy on the makeup in the Texas style, warm and welcoming and often reaching out a hand to touch her husbands arm as she tries to explain him. But shes also a Jew who grew up in Europe with a diplomat for a father, speaks four languages, became a vegetarian at sixteen, and joined the animalrights movement as a PETA activist. Im the lady who threw the raccoon at Anna Wintour, she says. She was on the cover of USA Today in Japan naked, Jones adds. I had a big banner. Alex told me you met on the set of a show, I say. She smiles. He pursued me with great fervor. Thats not how he told the story. You came over and sat on my lap, Jones says. I dont know about that, she teases. I remember standing at the bulletin board looking at stuff and he goes, Are you looking
...THE STATE LOVES YOU AND THE STATE IS YOUR GOD, AND THE STATE IS GOING TO TAKE CARE OF YOU AND YOUR FAMILY FOREVER. WORSHIP THEM! THEN, WITHOUT MISSING A BEAT, HE CUTS TO A COMMERCIAL.
came on the radio just after the FBI slaughtered American civilians at Ruby Ridge and Waco, powerful experiences of rupture for him and many thousands of other Americans. Then came April 19, 1995, a date imprinted on his brain: the Oklahoma City bombing. Refusing to believe a fellow patriot did it, he interviewed people who said theyd seen Timothy McVeigh planting explosives with a military escort and cops who mysteriously died after telling him the government did it. Just like the Reichstag! And there was a bombing drill that morning! When his radical views nally got him red from the Austin station, he set up his own ISDN line at home and spent every penny he had getting his videos out. The pivotal moment in his career was 9/11. Within days of the attacks, with a prescience born of his obsession with historys dark patterns, he was already warning that the attacks on the World Trade Center would be used to justify a war on Iraq. Just hours after the planes hit the buildings, while most of America was drying tears and putting out ags, he was saying it might have been a setupand unlike most media gures who calculate exactly how much they can get away with, Jones was willing to risk everything for his beliefs. Within a week, he lost thirty stations. By two weeks he was down sixty. His producers begged him to back off, but he never let up, relentlessly attacking the Bush administration for many of the same reasons liberals did. Bush ordered torture and then wrote a book bragging about it, and Governor Ridge said, Yeah, I was ordered to put out orange alerts every time we needed a political distractionI mean, Ari Fleischer admitted that they would issue fake terror alerts.
for a job in media? So what attracted her to him? I liked Alex cause he was so real, you know? He didnt play games. Like one day he called me kind of irting Jones squirms. This is really weird. and he goes, You know, I think about you all the time. And he was just so sincere and so realhe was like, a man. There was nothing boyish about him, nothing youthful, really. He was himself completely. I know exactly what she means. The enervating ambivalence of the soft modern man is absent in Jones. Then she lls in helpful details Jones left out. His mothers family, the Ayres family, took care of William Traviss son when he went to ght the Alamo. He comes from rebels. More than that, Jones cant help adding. I had family at San Jacinto, I had family at Gonzales, I had family at Washingtonon-the-Brazos. Then he stops himself again. Its creepy to get this much attention. Im like, how pathetic have we gotten that Im some of the best resistance there is? Cause I dont have some high view of myself. It just shows how low the bar has gotten, how much of a coma America is in. Kelly looks at him with an amused expression. Hes actually a pretty jolly person, she says. By this time, Jones trusts me enough to let me meet his three kidsa media rst. One day we climb the misty hillside above the bathhouses with his ten-year-old son, and Jones relaxes enough
A SENSE OF EMBATTLEMENT IS CENTRAL TO THE JONES WORLDVIEW AND HAS BEEN SINCE HE WAS A KID BEING BULLIED IN SCHOOL. AND SO AFTER 9/11, WHEN JONES IMMEDIATELY BLAMED THE AMERICAN GOVERNMENT FOR THE ATTACKS AND PROMPTLY LOST 70 PERCENT OF HIS SPONSORS AND STATIONS, HE DIDNT BACK DOWN AND INSTEAD BUILT A NEW AUDIENCE, WITH NEW SPONSORS AND NEW STATIONS.
to drop the lectures and laugh at the many conspiracy theories that center on him. There are people that really believe that I am really Bill Hicks and staged my own death. And then theres people that believe Im part of a reptilian conspiracy by an ancient alien race called the Dracosbut now theres a camp that Im a good Draco, thats why I ght the New World Order from an older star system. Im twelve trillion years old, according to them. Every minute, he keeps an eye on his son. Rex, tie your shoes, honeystop and tie your shoes. At the top of the hill, you can see seventy miles in any direction. Its lovely and peaceful. Then we hike back down, talking of Armageddon. Rex, tie your shoes, Jones says again. At the bottom, Rex says, Thank you for letting me go on the hike, Father. Another day, Jones invites me along on a family dinner. The meal begins with grace, his voice softer than Ive ever heard it. Our Heavenly Father, we thank you for the gift of consciousness and we hope that you will help us to have discernment to
do good in the world and to help others, and that we will all love each other and help be a light in the world. And please protect my children and my family and everyone we know, Amen. Without missing a beat, Jones goes back to Clinton killing Glass-Steagall and unleashing the banks. Thats why you cant trust this power structure. Obamas been trying to pass regulations on Wall Street, I say, and the Republicans have fought it to the bitter end after the banks almost crashed the economyand youre disempowering Obama with your rhetoric. I get that the establishment right wing wants the wars, wants the torture, Jones says. I get all that. But theyve so leveraged us into a Ponzi scheme, we cant get out of it. The banks are too big to fail. Thats what the bullets and all the preparation for martial law is, for when the whole thing goes under like Argentina. So instead of attacking Obama, I tell him, you should be saying, Lets get those regulations in. The kids sit politely through all this. But when the pizza comes, Rex pipes up. No country can claim that they created pizza. Really? Not the Italians? The Romans had something like bread, but France did a lot of the toppings. Sounding exactly like his father, Rex launches into a lecture that ranges from Star Wars to The Hobbit to something that stops sperm from swimming. Edison invented basically everything thats useful, he says. Jones interrupts with an admonishmentsperm is not an appropriate subject for the dinner table, son. Sorry, sir, Rex says, jumping on to Jules Verne and Charles Dickens until his father tells him to stop dominating the conversationa phrase I hear him use at least three times over the next two days, always gently and leavened with a bit of loving praise. He wants Kelly to tell me a story about a time someone was listening in on her phone calls while her father was in the hospital, and after she hung up, the phone rang and a voice said, I hope he dies. I do kinda remember that, Kelly says. You kind of remember it? Yes, I remember it. Frustrated, Jones reminds her. Im at Bilderberg, ve years ago. Your dads in the hospital. You called back crying and you go, Oh my God, theyre listening! You dont remember that? Yeah, I remember that. I just dont want to freak everybody out. She gives a meaningful look in the direction of the kids.
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Jones catches on. Actually none of thats true. I was just joking, kids. But his ve-year-old daughter says, That wasnt very scary. And Rex says, Pop, Ive heard you tell that story a million billion times. Soon the pizza is gone and its time to go. Thank you for dinner, Daddy, Rex says. Walking out, watching Jones keep his hawk eye on the derelict walking toward us on the sidewalk, I realize that the reassuring authority that makes Jones seem so manly to his wife must be an even greater comfort to his kids. In this lunatic world so full of danger, a passionate and concerned father is here to explain everything. Thats when it strikes me: This is how you make an Alex Jones. On my last day, I watch Jones do his show from the Al Capone Suite of the Arlington Hotel. A headline from Florida gets him started: F L O R I D I A N S E N C O U R A G E D T O R E P O R T N E I G H B O R S W H O H AT E T H E G OV E R N M E N T . As he gets going, seated in a desk chair before his computer, he starts to rub his hands on his thighs in the automatic way of a dog pacing the limits of his chain, a circular motion endlessly repeated. Nazis and citizens reporting neighbors, thats the worship of the state. All of it is for the children. Injecting black men with syphilis and watching them
die over fty years was for the children. The UN injecting millions of people in Africa and Latin America and Asia with tetanus shots that make them have abortions at the beginning of the second trimester and miscarriages and also tend to kill the womenits a gift of the state. Its the loving sacrament of everything good, and the state loves you and the state is your god, and the state is going to take care of you and your family forever. Worship them! Without missing a beat, he cuts to a commercial. Well be right back! Stay with us, you slave individuals! During the breaks hes completely normal, going over technical problems with his crew like any professional. So how much of this is a performance? None of it, he insists. When Im tired, I tend to rant. But doesnt his audience expect it? Ill be honest, its a crutch. And its a crutch that worked. Its kind of like when I was going through that Arkansas underground exhibit, and it went on and on and by the tenth tube I went through, barely big enough for a person, I almost pissed, like why isnt there a sign saying that bigger guys shouldnt go in this? He doesnt want this embattled feeling, he says. He doesnt want the media attention either. But he wants to beat them at their own game and it becomes a deance thing, like when he was a teenager. He just
The Benjamin
[continued from page 189] transcendent in this quiet testament to patience and care. This place is Valhalla for me, he says. Fleishell and the other engravers whose work is in our walletsmost of the other modern portraits are Hipschensare perhaps the least famous American artists with the most widely viewed art. They dont know who I am, but thats okay, he says. Thats still my work. I did that. All that work is upstairs, silent and sunlit; the rest is done downstairs, in the heat and the noise. Steve Olszowy, twenty-one years on the job, reproduces the engravings on stunning printing plates, thirty-two Benjamins a sheet. They will be wrapped around the rollers that Brian Thompsons father used to make; they should be hanging on a wall instead. They are the art that no one sees. The plates are rst made of thin black plasticas with Cranes papermaking, the way in which the engravings are translated into plastic is kept secret sprayed with silver nitrate, and dunked into tanks lled with electried liquid nickel sulfamate, a bright green. You dont want to drink that, Olszowy says. Plate makers talk about growing plates. Over the course of about seventeen hours, the nickel will slowly grow, ion by ion, into a mirror image of the plastic plate, which is then removed. The nickel plates are then rinsed and ground and punched with
mounting holes, and then dipped into a bath of hexavalent chrome, probably the nastiest stuff the bureaus got. Little plastic balls oat on the surface of the baths, each of which bubbles away like a cauldron; the balls knock down the fumes. The chrome coats and binds to the nickel, giving it strength. The plates wear down inside the presses, however, meaning the bureau has to make about seven hundred of them each year. Theyre pretty, arent they? Olszowy says, holding one up. Dave Smeltzer, the offset printer, twentyeight years on the job, comes next. He pushes sixteen-thousand-sheet loads of Crane & Co. paper into his Super Simultan II, a beast of a machine. Those same sheets come out the other end with their carefully blended foundation inks in several shades of blue, and Brian Thompsons quill and magical 100 in orange. After drying for seventy-two hours, theyre taken to the intaglio printers, who literally operate in parallel, just a few feet away. These masters of raised inks are managed by Bob Smith, twenty-four years on the job, with a thick mustache and a Bronx accent to rival it. He and his men have mounted Steve Olszowys plates onto their cylinders, and now they coat the plates with thick waves of ink. That ink is made by a Swiss company called SICPA, which once made a special fat used in the milking of cows but now supplies much of the worlds security inks. Countries buy the rights to a particular shifta particular color change. On the new hundred, its
cant stop ghting. On his next segment, inspiration strikes him. Telling the story of his trip through the tunnels of Underground Arkansas, he puts his nger on the reason it disturbed him so much. I came out sweating and had this revelationthis is what I feel like in the New World Order! People want to know what powers the show, thats it! Youre crawling through the darkness and by the tenth tunnel Im thinking about CIA torture camps and cages smaller than bodies! Two hours later, he sits back and sighs. Im really relaxed from those baths, man. My larger intellect is not operating at full capacity. All there is is the primitive brain. Pouring out in a fever, I say. Did you like the tunnels? Yes, denitely. It was beautiful the way he brought it all around, mixing the personal and the political and constellating the universe just like art or poetry or a movie by the Wachowski brothers. This is what he does best, when he pulls it off. He gathers up pieces of the broken world and glues them back together with some wild exaggeration that reveals the hidden patterns. But alas, this just leaves him with another, harder questionthe question that nally connects him to all the rest of us. Having this job and always having to read about all this stuff, you just get sick of itits kind of like, more tunnels? When do these damn things end? Am I going the right way? green to copper rather than the current green to black, a more noticeable change. Colorshifting ink contains microscopic metallic akes that reect different wavelengths of light, which means the ink can change color. On the new hundred, theres a bell inside the inkwell that appears and disappears depending on how the light strikes it. Even the ink is a mirror of many facets. The color-shifting and black inks ll every crevice of the plates, which are then wiped clean of the excess. The intaglio printers take the dried sheets from the offset boys and put them into their own machines, which squeeze together the paper and plates with enough pressure to strip a careless man of his skin. The backs of the notes are printed rst. Before the fronts can be printed, the sheets are handjogged and -cracked by the pressmen to make sure the paper doesnt stick together. This is physical labor. Now come the iconic fronts, rolling past. Now theres Benjamin Franklin, his face like a ngerprint, and the notes borders and Rosa Gumataotao Rioss signature, still wet to the touch. Now its money. The sheets are taken to a drying vault by the pile. It looks like a warehouse for cheap plastic shower curtains, but in fact theres something like a billion dollars in it, steaming away, watched over by Ronald Perkins, twenty-seven years on the job. Theres a smell in the vault thats heavy but not unpleasant, cotton and chemicals. Thats the smell of money, Perkins says.
Once the sheets have dried, Perkins and his team run them through computer inspection. Notes that are even slightly awed get kicked off the line. To demonstrate, Perkins marks a single note on a single sheet with a red marker, just a dot. Seconds later, at the other end of the belt, there it sits, ready to be destroyed. The sheets are cut in half and wheeled on hand jacks over to Carson Green, twentysix years on the job. Hes African-American, with a beard and a raspy voice. His press applies the nishing touchesthe serial numbers and seals, black and greenand then the sheets are trimmed and cut from 16s to 8s to single notes. The last knives must be impossibly sharp. They plunge down into stacks one hundred notes thick, cutting through them as though they were wedges of cake. We dont mess around with that, Green says as he watches the blades drop, nearly three decades in and still mesmerized. That is so cool, he says to no one in particular. Another perfect cut. At last, each tidy pile of notes is machine-counted and bound with a band of glossy paper: $10,000 in a strap. There are ten straps in a bundle. There are four bundles in a brick, or $400,000, about nine pounds of money, now wrapped in clear plastic. Four bricks make a cash pack, $1.6 million, and forty cash packs make a skid, $64 million of American money in a square-shouldered pile on a pallet at the end of the line. This load is destined for the Federal Reserve Bank in New York Citybut it might have gone to branches in Minneapolis or Kansas Cityfrom where it will be shipped to nancial institutions and central banks across the country and around the world. On October 8, these bills will join the 8.9 billion U. S. hundreds already in circulation8.9 billion pieces, not dollarsthis $64-million skid some tiny fraction of the more than 2.5 billion new hundreds printed this scal year alone by people named Crane and Thompson and Gumataotao Rios, Lowery and Lambert, Fleishell and Hipschen and Benzing, Olszowy and Smeltzer and Smith, Perkins and Green. Their work is in demand in Russia, in Saudi Arabia, in California and Delaware, more in demand, more desired than ever before, to be locked in safes and stuffed under mattresses and thrown onto felt tables. There has never been more American money, and there have never been more people who want it. Different people, the people who talk about the end of cash, futurists and credit-card companies, people who believe in invisible things, sometimes forget how the rest of us think, and in particular they forget how we think in times of crisis, when we seek comfort and security and trust. There were spikes in demand big enough to chart, like tremors, after September 11 and especially after September 2008, when the global nancial markets woke up and realized how little cash they had. Lies turn true objects sacred, and in them we seek shelter. Thats when art wins. When darkness falls, we want straps and bundles and bricks. We want Benjamin Franklin. We want light we can hold in our hands.
Andy Samberg
[continued from page 74] theyve already put in those 10,000 hours. It seems effortless, but its all work. Its all effort. SR: I dont think people want to hear how much work lies between them and what they want. AS: The key is loving what you do, so it doesnt feel like work for those rst 10,000. SR: Ever Google yourself? AS: Sometimes. When I do, it is when Im in the midst of doing a ton of press and I want to see how it went. Thats when you come across the one person who decided to write a ten-page article about how much you suck. SR: You read comments? AS: When I rst got on SNL and I read really negative comments on me online, I went to check my IMDb page to make sure that I was still on the cast of SNL. Then I checked Ferrells page, Jack Blacks page, Sandlers pageand all of them had pages and pages of people talking about how shitty they were, and how not funny they were, and how they wish they would just go away, and all this really mean shit. And I was like, Oh, Im on the right track. SR: You dont seem burdened by any of your success. You remind me of Patton Oswalt. AS: What I get from him is hes a genuine fan of the world. Hes fascinated by a million things and he studies them all. And he knows how to regurgitate them in a way that is really funny. And even when he goes negative, you dont feel like hes a negative person. You feel like theres a lot of joy inside of him. SR: You seem just as joyful. AS: I think theres a fairly consistent trait in comics, which is that theyre all happy to be there. No matter how successful they are, you still get the sense from them that they feel lucky to be there. Even Jerry Seinfeld, who doesnt need any more money for the rest of his life. Have you seen Seinfelds Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee? Did you see the Mel Brooks and Carl Reiner one? I was moved to tears watching it. And not from anything sentimental. It made me so happy. Reiner invites Seinfeld to come hang out with him and Mel Brooks. And when the cameras rst show up, Mel Brooks is a little aloof. Like, What is this? Hes very nice to him, but I think hes still trying to gure out what it is. Seinfeld even at a point goes, You know what this is? And he says, No, I dont really know what were doing or what this is. But as the night progresses, he gets comfortable. He sees that its something thats safe for him. And by the end of it, hes on. Hes like, Oh, theres cameras! Im getting laughs! Hes not in the spotlight all the time, but hes arguably still as funny as he ever was before. By the time Seinfelds leaving, hes doing bits in the driveway. SR: Theres something beautiful about that. AS: Its the best. It never leaves you. SR: God forbid it should ever leave you. AS: Comedians who are still friends at that age and still hang out and make each other laugh? It gives me such hope.
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Photos & Illustrations Contents, p. 44: Grifn III: Getty. BWB, p. 49: Figures 1,
3: Rob McIver Photo/hespokestyle.com; 2, 4: Michel Andre/urbanvisualist.com; 5: Jonathan Daniel Pryce/garconjon.com; 6: the Styleograph/thestyleograph.com; 7, 8: J. T. Tran/Street Fashion Style/thesfstyle.com; 9: Omarov Aguilar/messthisdress.com; p. 56: Clothing: Jeffrey Westbrook/ Studio D; Afeck: Steve Granitz/WireImage; Timberlake: Gregg DeGuire/WireImage; p. 58: Gingrich: David Gahr/ Getty; Hemingway: Earl Theisen/Getty; Salinger: Anthony DiGesu/San Diego Historical Society/Hilton Archive Collection/Getty; Mailer: Ulf Andersen/Getty; Coppola: Mary Evans/Zoetrope Pictures/Ronald Grant/Everett Collection; Bush: Diana Walker/Time Life Pictures/Getty; p. 62: Lingerie Football League: Paul Kane/Getty; Aselton: Paul Archuleta/FilmMagic; baseball player: Paul Spinelli/MLB Photos/Getty. MAHB, p. 69: F. Scott Schaffer; p. 70: Thats My Boy: Pictorial Press LTF/Alamy; p. 74: Celeste and Jesse Forever: AF Archive/Alamy; p. 76: Lawson: Jim Spellman/ WireImage; Setton: Eugene Gologursky/WireImage; p. 78: Fumero: Richie Buxo/Splash News/Corbis; Bennet: Angela Weiss/Stringer/Getty; p. 82: Lowe: Marianna Massey/Getty; Song: Gregg DeGuire/FilmMagic; p. 84: Collage: Jonathan Newton/The Washington Post/Getty; Joel Auerbach/ Getty; Stephen Brashear/Getty; Gregory Shamus/Getty; Jim Davis/The Boston Globe/Getty; Rick Stewart/Getty; Damian Strohmeyer/Sports Illustrated/Getty; Grammer: Joe Scarnici/Getty; Kane: Jesse Grant/Tyler Shields/Getty; p. 90: Doctor Sleep: J Muckle/Studio D; p. 92: Styling by Constanze Lyndsay Han; hair by Kylee Heath, makeup by Jamie Greenberg, both for the Wall Group; prop styling by Nick Faiella; sweater by Chaser; bra by Marlies Dekkers; shorts by Hanro; shoes by Brian Atwood; p. 96: Dimitri Vervitsiotis/Getty; p. 100: The Prize: Everett Collection; bottles: Aaron Graubart/Studio D; p. 102: Aaron Graubart/Studio D. Style, pp. 107108, 112, 114: Grooming by Marcos Diaz/ Ion Studio; pp. 108, 112, 114: Shirt upgrades: Jeffrey Westbrook/Studio D; p. 112: Chukka boots: Jeffrey Westbrook/ Studio D; p. 114: Ensembles: Jeffrey Westbrook/Studio D; p. 116: Pocket squares, pants, shoes: Deb Wenof; The Graduate: Embassy/Laurence; Fantastic Mr. Fox: 20th Century Fox Licensing/Merchandising/Everett Collection. A Thousand Words, p. 122: Drone: General Atomics/Getty; security camera: Andy Cross/The Denver Post/Getty; p. 124: Blackout: Allison Joyce/Getty; Snowden: The Guardian/Getty. Chilling the F**k Out, p. 127: Albert Bierstadt/Christies Images/Bridgeman Art Library; p. 128: Albert Bierstadt/ White House/Bridgeman Art Library; p. 130: Albert Bierstadt/Private Collection/Christies Images/Bridgeman Art Library; p. 132: Asher Brown Durand/Walters Art Museum/Bridgeman Art Library. Target in Perpetuity, p. 142: Freedom Tower rendering courtesy Silverstein Properties. Hemsworth, p. 155: Cash: AF Archive/Alamy; The Cabin in the Woods: Diyah Pera/Lionsgate/Everett Collection; The Avengers: Zade Rosenthal/Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures/Everett Collection; Red Dawn: Ron Philipps/Open Road Films/Everett Collection; Snow White and the Huntsman, Rush: Pictorial Press LTD/Alamy; p. 156: Pine: Dave J. Hogan/Getty; Evans: Jim Spellman/WireImage; Evert: Gary Gershoff/WireImage; Hemsworth: Fred Duval/FilmMagic.
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