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$12.

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Lucrative LOVE
Humor/Relationships/Self-Improvement
Tom Feltenstein
Love may feel great for the moment, but
it shrivels like a wiener in the Arctic when
faced with a mountain of debt.
Tom Feltenstein learned many years and two marriages ago that love
doesn’t make the world go around. Money does. Now he offers his sage
wisdom to those seeking the perfect life—and the perfect bank account.
Do you spend your weekends sitting by the phone waiting for a call
from Mr. or Ms. Perfect? Gaze out the window at the stars thinking of the
“one”? Will your life be complete only when you find everlasting love? If
you truly believe this way, you’re destined to schlep through life the hard
way. Marrying for love is about as smart as taking a shower while blow
drying your hair. It may give you a little jolt, but in the end you get fried!
In Lucrative Love, Tom gives you the facts and guidance you need to
marry the Joe or Jane Millionaire of your dreams. Using his
many years of business knowledge, he approaches your
marital and financial future as a business by teaching you:

s7HERETOMEET-ROR-S-ONEYBAGSˆANDITSNOTATABAR
s(OWTOLEAVETHETRAILERPARKAND$AISY$UKEWARDROBEBEHIND
s(OWINSISTINGONAPRENUPCANGETYOUTHELIFESTYLEYOUREALLYWANT
s(OWTODEALWITHSUSPECTINGIN LAWS BLUEBLOODSANDTHECOUNTRYCLUBSET
Feltenstein
As you read through the pages in this book, you’ll laugh, you’ll cry, and
then you’ll say to yourself, “Love—what was I thinking?” Marrying for love
puts you in the poor house, while marrying for money gets you a mansion The
Insider’s
in the hills and vacation home in Maui. Stop kidding yourself and face
reality. Someone’s going to marry them; why can’t it be you?

Secrets to
Up Your Sales Publishing
Marrying
UP YOUR SALES

Millions
PUBLISHING

www.LucrativeLove.com
Cover design: Juanita Dix

lucrative love final cover.indd 1 3/17/09 3:26:58 PM


Lucrative Love
The Insider’s Secrets to
Marrying Millions

Tom Feltenstein

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!"#$%&'()%*"'+,-%.(/012'

i
© 2009 by Tom Feltenstein. Printed and bound in the United States
of America. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be repro-
duced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or me-
chanical, including photocopying, recording, or by an information
storage and retrieval system—except by a reviewer who may quote
brief passages in a review to be printed in a magazine, newspaper, or
on the Web—without permission in writing from the publisher. For
information, please contact Up Your Sales Publishing, 701 South
Rosemary Avenue, Suite 313; West Palm Beach, FL 33401;
561-650-1315.

Although the author and publisher have made every effort to ensure
the accuracy and completeness of information contained in this
book, we assume no responsibility for errors, inaccuracies, omissions,
or any inconsistency herein. Any slights of people, places, or organi-
zations are unintentional.

First printing 2009


Second printing 2009

ISBN 978-0-9823302-2-7
LCCN 2009924279

Up Your Sales Publishing


701 South Rosemary Avenue, Suite 313
West Palm Beach, FL 33401
345643765853
www.LucrativeLove.com

ii
Table of Contents
One: Cinderella Lied 1
Two: Love Don’t Pay the Bills 17
Three: Diggin’ for Gold 33
Four: My Butler Can Beat Up Your Butler 55
Five: Show Me the Monet! 67
Six: Planet Penis and the G-Spot Galaxy 81
Seven: Prenups—Not Just for Schmucks! 97
Eight: Wiping With Ben Franklins 113

iii
WARNING AND DISCLAIMER: “I’M ONLY QUALIFIED TO MAKE
YOU LAUGH AND MAYBE FIND A MILLIONAIRE TO SPEND THE REST OF
YOUR LIFE WITH. HAPPILY EVER AFTER IS YOUR PROBLEM.”

This book can be hazardous to your current way of life. If


you are content with your pathetic existence, working to stay
afloat and where being taken to the Paddy’s Dinner is reserved
for special occasions; if you are happy dating from the same
pool of losers and don’t mind the car payments so you can have
a decent ride; if you are fine with your tiny, messy apartment,
then I suggest you not read this book. It will offend you. More
than likely it will really piss you off. It will challenge a very
core belief—that you don’t deserve better, and that dreaming or
planning for the life of your dreams is somehow shameful or
sinful.
If this is the case, I suggest you close this book and give
it to a friend who constantly complains about the above; a
friend who would enjoy a great laugh and who might want
to find millionaire to marry; a friend who is tired of living an
average, ordinary life; a friend who would shoot for the stars
if given the chance; a friend who wants an extraordinary life,
does not mind a challenge, and is ready to have a whole lot of
fun in the process.
What are the chances of you earning your way into mil-
lions? Not very high, I bet. You can fantasize about it; every-
body does, but few make it. If you dare to dream of a jet-set
lifestyle and you would enjoy a date with Madame Celebrity, a
ring from Mr. Opulence, a weekend with Sir Fame, or a blow
from Miss Flow, then you will love this book. Full of wit and
humor, Lucrative Love pops the lid open to our silent hopes
and forbidden dreams—and the harsh realities of marrying
into wealth.
Tom Feltenstein

iv
Acknowledgments
When thinking of who to acknowledge for helping to create
this book, there’s always the fear of leaving someone out—or worse,
including one of the many who told me I was crazy and this project
doomed. In truth, had it not been for those nay-sayers, I might
never have dug my heels in and completed it, so I do indeed owe
those detractors a note of thanks…but just a note.
One of the key factors in having an entertaining and enlight-
ening book is the collaboration of a couple of great writers: Dee
Burks and Liz Ragland. These two are cut from the same cloth as I
am and added much wit and humor to the text as well as ensuring
that a woman’s perspective was included.
Included in the list of those who gave their all to this project
and supported it are the members of my staff, including Anita
Veltre, Tyler Fielding, Nancy Carver, and Natalia Creamer. My
heartfelt thanks to each of you for your hard work.
There are numerous people to whom I presented the idea who
voiced support and added suggestions. These include Brad Kent
Joe Lachmuth, Martin Odowd, Marty Greenbaum, Federico Giller,
Barry Broden, and David Jobe. They loved the idea and laughed
right along with me as it came together into something real.
The last group I’d like to acknowledge are all the women
I’ve loved before. It was my experiences with a few relationships,
including two marriages, which brought about the idea for this
project. As you might imagine, it is my own inability to create and
preserve my own relationships that started my mind to ponder
other ways of bringing about something lasting.
Since writing this book, I’ve been asked if I believe in love.
The answer is absolutely yes. I’ve wanted it and sought it all my life
just as many of you have, and I’m still looking. We are imperfect
people in an insane world and love is the only thing that makes
any part of it worth living. While the ideas and thoughts in this
book are fun and interesting to contemplate, the most important
idea to take away is that if you seek what you desire you will attain
it—and if that is love you will find it.
v
About the Author
A GENUINE ST. JOSEPHS, MISSOURI,
born blueblood, Tom Feltenstein spent
his teen years hobnobbing with the who’s
who of East Coast aristocracy. He is a world
recognized marketing strategist, speaker,
and consultant to top corporations and
Fortune 500 companies, plus thousands of
small businesses. He has been featured on
CNN’s Larry King Live, The David Letter-
man Show, and the Fox News Superbowl Pre-Game Show, and
in USA Today, Wall Street Journal, and countless others for his
marketing acumen and witty dose of Uncommon Wisdom.
Tom became a millionaire after his first marriage (prior
to this, he was a multimillionaire). A business strategist par
excellence, in Lucrative Love, Tom takes you step-by-step and
delineates the actions and tactics you need to take to find and
marry your diamond.
Tom has two wonderful grown children and lives in Palm
Beach, Florida. He is single and looking for a gorgeous, outgo-
ing, kind, witty, affectionate, independent woman (39 to 50)
who loves to travel.

vi
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One: Cinderella Lied


I’ve never lived in a building without my name on it.
—Ivanka Trump

WE’VE ALL HEARD THE STORY OF CINDERELLA. The poor girl


was forced to scour the floor on her hands and knees, do the
laundry, and cater to every whim of her wicked stepmother
and stepsisters. As she watched the gruesome twosome prepare
for the ball, she silently wished she could go as well. Sadly,
she had to stay home and scrub her sisters’ whiskers out of
the wash basin while they shamelessly squeezed their boobs
together so the prince could catch a glimpse of their cleavage.
And so the story goes—her animals come to life, an old bag
lady conjures up a pumpkin, dolls her up, sends her to the ball,
she meets the prince, and they get married and live happily
ever after while her stepsisters sit at home and grow old and
lonely. Sweet isn’t it?
I can’t help but wonder, though, if Cinderella married the
prince because she actually loved him or if it had more to do
with his castle and fortune. We are raised with the idea that our
wedding day is supposed to be one of the most meaningful,
important days of our lives. Candles, flowers, cake, white dress
(for some anyway), and little birdies tweeting in a nearby tree.
Church pews jam-packed with family and friends all there to
witness the blessed event.
What none of them realizes is that baby girl is marrying
a trash collector whose annual salary is less than her daddy’s
country club membership. But it’s all going to be okay because
they love each other. Love will carry them through the good

1
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and bad times, right? Wrong! More likely, sooner rather than
later, baby girl’s going to get tired of Prince Charming coming
home smelling like dirty diapers and rancid grease.
And don’t think this scenario happens to women only.
Men are faced with the same situations too. Remember the
fairy tale story about kissing a frog to get a prince? That’s be-
cause some poor guy got himself saddled with a trophy wife,
and yeah, she looks hot and all, but she has to close her eyes
and imagine someone else to let him get within ten feet of her.
Refilling that Viagra prescription every month can take its toll
as well. Aside from the fabulous roll in the hay, what does he
really have in common with her other than a bank account?
(Oh, and just a word of caution guys: If your needle is stand-
ing in the haystack for more than eight hours, you might want
to call a doctor.)
Let’s take a moment and travel back in time to the wed-
dings of several hundred years ago. On occasion, a farm boy
would fall in love with the milk maid’s jugs, and they’d tie the
knot. For the most part, however, marriages were arranged.
The participants in these marriages had very little, if any,
choice of who their spouse might be. Interestingly enough,
the men had just as little say in this matter as the women of
the time.
Marriages were frequently arranged so both families in-
volved would benefit. They were arranged to bring prestige,
wealth, or political power to the family. The children of land-
owners would be expected to marry children of other landown-
ers to increase the size of the acreage.
One of the most famous examples of the tradition of
arranged marriage was between King Henry VIII and his
fourth wife Anne of Cleves. After he whacked the heads off
his previous brides, he got tired of whacking something else
off, so he decided to find a young lady to give him a hand. He
was sent a royal portrait of a beautiful young princess. Henry
immediately sent for her, and when she arrived they were
married. A very short time afterward, Henry woke up one
2
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morning and realized she wasn’t as attractive as he’d hoped.


So he divorced her.
But don’t feel too sorry for poor old Henry. Many a young
lass around the castle were more than willing to let His Highness
the Porker pork her to get some of the fringe benefits of bed-
ding a royal. And don’t pretend to be shocked. I know women
who will give it up for a ride in a Mercedes and dinner at the
country club. So who’s the “ho”? Is it any wonder prostitution
is the oldest profession? You give me this, I’ll give you that; a
simple transaction.
Of course, back in ye olden times, many of these couples
didn’t even meet until their wedding day. I can’t imagine schlep-
ping down the aisle to spend the rest of my life with someone
only to find him or her toothless and covered with boils. In his
Utopia, Sir Thomas More recommended that, in order to avoid
subsequent disappointments such as a teeny peenie or boobs
that resemble a potato in a tube sock, couples should see one
another’s bodies before marriage.
One morning, Sir William Roper visited More in
Chelsea to request marriage to one of his daughters. Roper
was ushered into the girls’ room where they were sleeping
on their backs. Without a word, More ripped the sheets
from the bed. The girls awoke with a shock, and as soon
as they saw Roper standing over them, they quickly rolled
onto their stomachs. “Now I have seen both sides,” Roper
remarked, and chose the elder daughter, Margaret, to be his
wife. Maybe this is where the phrase “shoot for the moon”
came from. It may also be where a woman’s desire for big-
ger and better ta-tas started. I bet the younger sister stewed
over that one for years!
All of this sounds a bit extreme, and I’m the first to admit
that I personally wouldn’t want to be a part of an arranged mar-
riage, but I must tell you what I really like about this concept.
Somebody made this decision using their right judgment with a
cool head, thinking about all factors for the future wellbeing of
the entire family. The decision was not made by an irrationally
3
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emotional male with a hormone-infested bloodstream asking


his sweetheart to tie the knot as a lame attempt to immortalize
the momentary sex-based high.
My mother always told me, “You can’t base your mar-
riage on love alone,” and the older I get the more I agree
with her. The Romans had an interesting view toward mar-
riage: matrimonia debent esse libera, or “marriages ought to
be free.” This meant that either spouse could opt out of the
marriage if things weren’t working; it was the original no-
fault divorce.
There is a second benefit to arranged marriages. Your
choice of finding the right partner has been eliminated; all the
emphasis is on you to be the right partner—to work on your-
self and become a better human being to relate better to your
spouse. This is, perhaps, a lesson we should all remember.
Life will throw plenty of crap your way, especially when
you are one-half of a couple. Love alone can’t cut it, won’t
cut it, has no chance of ever
cutting it. Life and mar- !"#$%&'(%)&**"&+$,%'-%
riage, no matter how lofty )&..$*%/-0%1-#.2%./$%
the hormone high, must be /-*)-'$%/"+/,%)34.%5$%
designed and lived with real ($4"+'$(%&'(%1"6$(%0"./%
common sense. By the way, *$&1%7-))-'%4$'4$8
in this day, “common sense”
is measured in dollars and
cents. And be forewarned: Common sense doesn’t always feel
or sound good. Often it really sucks. But life does not care if
it sounds good, or if you like it. The mature soul understands
that life is impersonal and has rules. Follow them and prosper,
or violate them and suffer.
Money is a huge part of marriage, make no mistake. Ig-
nore the principle and you are on the road to another divorce
statistic. Follow the rule and prosper. Master the rule, and you
can have anything you want.
Victorian England had a vastly different view. Society
frowned on divorce, and those who did divorce would likely
4
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find themselves as social outcasts. In those days, when you got


married, you stayed married regardless of situation or circum-
stance. No matter how many times King Henry smacked you
around with a turkey leg, your only option was to find a bowl
of gravy—or get beheaded.
In the present century, this view may still prevail, depend-
ing on where you live. Uptight busybodies and moral crusaders
are having a field day predicting, like always, dire consequences
for the “social fabric” if the institution of marriage is changed.
Obviously these people have never sat in front of a stack of bills
two miles high contemplating killing your spouse because of
his or her credit card debt. I find it interesting that even the
dowagers refer to marriage as an institution, which is where you
will end up if you don’t plan ahead and treat your marriage as
a business.
Of course, the other reason for this Pollyanna viewpoint is
that they themselves are stuck in a bad marriage and want the
rest of the world to suffer with them. If I could buy stock in
a vibrator company these days, I would because every morally
upstanding woman has a drawer full of them.
There are many different and complex causes and reasons
for divorce: infidelity, incompatibility, and growing apart, to
name a few. But the main reason for the skyrocketing divorce
rate today is financial problems. Yeah, this is the kind of
common sense no one wants to talk about, and few have the
stomach to admit.
This is what I like to call the Goldilocks Theory of Marital
Hell. She spends too much money. He doesn’t make enough
money. He won’t get off his lazy ass and get a job. She wants
him to take care of her. Somebody’s porridge is always too
hot and somebody’s bed is always too soft. Oh, well—at least
something in the bed is soft.
Today, about 50 percent of marriages end in divorce. Why
can’t couples stay happily married and spend the rest of their
lives together? As I mentioned earlier, my mother said you
should never base your marriage on love alone, and I believe
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'*!&(+",%)'-,%

this is why so many marriages fail. A successful marriage is


also based on money. Yes, I said it; I’ve crossed the politically
correct line in the sand. But the fact remains that you should
marry for money.
Take a deep breath and listen to a little logic. A marriage
is basically a business. You have assets and liabilities; you meet
someone else with assets and liabilities. Then you have to as-
certain whether or not they are a good fit. No, I don’t mean
if his wanker is the size of a mule’s or if her butt has the best
sister wiggle you’ve ever seen. Those assets don’t put money in
the bank unless you belong to the local association of pimps
and hos.
Just like any good business merger, you have to assess
whether your goals are the same and if both parties get what
they want out of the deal. The best part of marrying for money
is that no one is in the dark as to anyone’s intentions. I’m sure
every person has seen the centerfold model hanging off the arm
of a dried-up old millionaire. There’s really no question who is
getting what, and they obviously don’t care what anyone thinks.
Their merger is working. She will have money and status and
potentially a great reward when he finally croaks; he gets the
most luscious tits money can buy to rub his boys on until the
day he dies.
“Oh, my God!” I can hear you say in shock. That is
such a sordid arrangement—or is it? Every year Forbes re-
leases its list of billionaires—not just the paltry millionaires,
but the big boys and girls. Of the ninety-nine women on
the Forbes 2008 Billionaire List, only ten were self-made.
Fewer than twenty got it from their daddies, and the other
seventy or so married it. Just because those women didn’t
spread their legs in the pages of a popular men’s magazine
(well, most of them) doesn’t mean theirs was a story of
star-crossed lovers.
Just for a moment imagine the life that could be yours if
you somehow ascended into these ranks. Think about the de-
signer clothing, exotic cars, yachts, and palatial mansions that
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would be at your disposal any time you wish. Your every desire
is at your fingertips—or at least those of the maid or butler.
Instead of the goose that laid a golden egg, you’d be laying the
goose to get the golden egg.
Now just in case you think women have a much better
chance at being treated like eye candy and doted on by a sugar
daddy, remember that women live longer than men and tend to
inherit the cash. This means there are literally hordes of wealthy
widows just waiting to find a boy toy, and since most of these
widows are fifty and older, any guy from a twenty-year-old to a
retiree has a shot at the good life. How many men envy Ashton
Kutcher, the modern face of the boy toy? Who cares if Demi
is in her forties?
Before you let your hormones run amuck with excitement,
it’s important to remember that a marriage is a partnership
no different than that found in business. Before we go any
further, let me ask you a question: If you had a million dollars
to open a restaurant, would
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you ask the first person you
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met that morning to be your
*$)$)5$*%./&.%&%)&**"&+$%
partner? Of course not. What
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if this person didn’t have any
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experience in the food service
industry? How do you know
about his or her work ethic?
Indeed, you would look for someone who met your needs. I’ve
been in several business partnerships over the course of my life,
and I can tell you right now that if my business partner ran up
our credit cards, lied to me about expenses, or didn’t carry his
or her own weight, our partnership would be dissolved.
So what tops the list when searching for that special
someone with cash? I’ve listened to women claim that love
conquers all while driving a rusted out Ford Pinto waiting for
their husbands to get off the graveyard shift so they can eat
breakfast at Denny’s. I, however, pose this question: Does love
really conquer all when you’ve worked the same crappy job for
7
'*!&(+",%)'-,%

twenty-five years? Lived in the same house you’ve refinanced


three times? When you have managed to venture only as far
as the local go-kart races for a vacation? Is love strong enough
to withstand years of financial struggle—only to end up
destitute?
I’m not a gambling man by nature, but I’d be willing to
bet that those women would prefer to be escorted to a five-
star restaurant in Paris for dinner in a stretch limo rather than
swat flies while they wolf down their ninety-nine-cent value
menu McBurger. Forgive me for being frank but love doesn’t
pay the bills. Life is much better when you’re rich. Money al-
lows you to mitigate or eliminate most of life’s problems and
leaves your mind free to focus on the ones that really need your
attention.
Had a bad day? No problem. There’s a world-renowned
spa waiting for you. Gained ten pounds? No need to exercise;
just have a nip, tuck, and suck by the finest plastic surgeon. Just
think of those poor bastards sweating away at the gym while
your weight-loss program is only a scalpel away. Money makes
life easier—and more fun.

CEO or Skanky Ho
At a dinner party one night during World War II, a drunken
Winston Churchill asked an attractive woman whether she would
sleep with him for a million pounds. “Maybe,” the woman re-
plied sheepishly. Intrigued, Churchill then asked, “Would you
sleep with me for one pound?” The woman was taken aback
by his comment and responded, “Of course not. What kind
of woman do you think I am?” With drink in hand, Churchill
cleverly replied, “Madam, we’ve already established what kind
of woman you are. Now we’re just negotiating the price.”
The idea of marrying for money is something to which
very few would admit, yet it happens all the time to varying
degrees. It’s considered a “negative” or morally reprehensible
thing to do, but it is probably as old as—or older than—mar-
riage itself.
8
!"#$%&%''()'"%$

Believe it or not, several studies have been conducted on


this very subject, which just goes to show that I’m not alone
in my stance about the price tag of marriage. One study found
that the average “price” people would marry for is 1.5 million
dollars. Just as the Churchill story relates, we’ve already deter-
mined what kind of people we are; now we’re just negotiating
the price.
So how much money do you want? A million and a half
sounds like a lot of money but in reality it’s not. More than
likely, you’d still have to work and the thought of jetting
across the globe to the hottest vacation spots is just that—a
thought. Is it worth taking that wrinkled widow to dinner a
couple of nights a week for a convertible BMW? Or is your
time better suited going down on golden granny for a condo
on the French Riviera, a cabin in Aspen, and a fleet of luxury
sports cars?
Another important aspect to consider when marrying for
money is how you want to be perceived. Do you want to be
known as a pillar of the charity circuit? Bill Gates’s wife helps
him with his worldwide philanthropy and takes an active part
in his business. Or do you want to be known as the chick who
bagged a millionaire because she could open a beer bottle with
her crotch, which brings us to Anna Nicole Smith. She mar-
ried a man as old as Moses and counted the minutes until his
last breath.
Once you hit the jackpot, though, you will soon be the
topic of many conversations. Jealousy is such an ugly bug, and
there will be those who are going to talk about how you married
that person only for his or her money. They will talk about how
they can’t believe you would stoop so low. Just remember this:
The entire time their lips are moving about what a letch you
are, their mind is wishing they’d have gotten there first.
These days it isn’t just the boob brigade who snags the
millionaires; it’s the smart chicks. You know—the ones who
used to wear glasses and braces. Well, while you were drinking
your way through college on the beer-or-bust plan, they were
9
'*!&(+",%)'-,%

getting jobs that let them rub elbows—or whatever—with guys


who would be millionaires.
And remember that there is no rule that a person with
lots of money only gets to have one spouse. The only rule is
one spouse at a time. All you have to do is get in line. Does it
matter that you weren’t first? No. In fact, most of the time it’s
better if you aren’t. Why put up with someone who spends all
their time making money? It is much better to find someone
who has made his fortune already and is ready to spend it—on
you.

The Lie of Love


Why are we so hung up on love anyway? When you dis-
sect love it really is nothing more than a variety of emotions
combined into one overwhelmingly addictive experience
usually wrapped up in great sex. To me, love is like a burrito;
you can fill it with anything you want, but you better be
careful because before you know it you’ll be squeezing your
butt cheeks and hauling ass to the toilet because you ate too
many refried beans. Just as your burrito has varying levels of
spice, love has differing levels that can be applied to different
people.
For example, you wouldn’t answer the door in a leopard-
print thong with a woody the size of Texas if you knew it was
your mother. Instead you’d scramble around your apartment,
kicking beer cans under the sofa and slicking down your hair
with your fingers before you answered the door.
Let’s be honest: Do you really have sex with your spouse
in the same way you would with a one-night stand you know
you’ll never see again? It’s a little easier to get wild and nasty in
a no-tell motel than it is in your master bedroom.
Love and sex aren’t necessarily intertwined. You love your
parents and siblings and other family members, don’t you? You
can’t pick your family, but you love them just the same. This
is proof you can love those with whom you have things in
common. You don’t have to feel the intoxicating emotion we
10
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usually refer to as love. So it stands to reason that if you find a


millionaire with whom you share certain goals, you can learn
to love him or her as well—especially if an eye-popping orgasm
is part of the bargain.
This type of blissful union played out in many arranged
marriages of old. Gandhi was married off in a match arranged
by his family at the age of thirteen. The couple had five children
and were married for more than sixty years. They were happy
and loved each other—not over-the-top puppy love, but a deep
and abiding understanding of one another. You can have the
same thing with your rich partner.
Marrying for money isn’t some sentence to a life void of
emotion—just the opposite. You are free to understand and
openly explore one another without fairy tale expectations
getting in the way. Many
>&**2"'+%#-*%)-'$2%"4'<.%
millionaires end up marrying
4-)$%4$'.$'7$%.-%&%1"#$%
their best friends of the oppo-
6-"(%-#%$)-."-'?@34.%./$%
site sex. They aren’t inhuman;
-==-4".$8%A-3%&*$%#*$$%.-%
they need companionship
3'($*4.&'(%&'(%-=$'12%
and someone to talk to. Some
$;=1-*$%-'$%&'-./$*%0"./-3.%
of the highest-priced hookers
#&"*2%.&1$%$;=$7.&."-'4%
on the planet will tell you
+$.."'+%"'%./$%0&28
that it is not uncommon for
people with money to buy
their time just to have someone to talk to—and many of those
people married for “love.”
The problem with marrying in the throes of an emotional
high is that it wears off like bad sunscreen. You expose qualities
in each other you didn’t notice or just glossed over when you
were bonking like bunnies in the early stages of sexual infatu-
ation, which you confused with love. As the newness fades and
the butterflies are killed off by your stomach acid, you start to
become a little disillusioned. Add to this a string of financial
woes, and you have a recipe for disaster.
It is often said that the line between love and hate is a thin
one, but if love is so great then how can you so vehemently
11
'*!&(+",%)'-,%

despise someone you once loved and for whom you would have
given your very life? This is the power of our hormone-driven
emotions. What you experienced wasn’t real love. Love is about
understanding and respect—not instant orgasms at the thought
of their body. The sexual revolution has had a great deal to do
with this phony idea of “love,” but it was just an excuse to get
your rocks off, not form a relationship that works.

Don’t Question What Works


So this is the real deal. What do you want? Do you want a
spouse who is on a hormone high, doesn’t have a penny, and will
be screwing a coworker a year from now? Do you want to worry
about your retirement and scrape your dimes together at the end
of every month to pay a disgruntled nurse’s aide to wipe your
butt and change your Depends? Or would you rather marry
for money and find a long-term companion—with the added
bonus of a sex buddy—with no ridiculous expectations?
Personally, I’d rather marry for money! You don’t have to
struggle though life if you team up with a person with cash
and make your best deal. He
A-3%(-'<.%/&6$%.-%4.*3++1$%
or she is looking for one too.
./-3+/%1"#$%"#%2-3%.$&)%3=%
Once a person has assets, he
0"./%&%=$*4-'%0"./%7&4/%
or she wants to keep them.
&'(%)&:$%2-3*%5$4.%($&18
And every wealthy person
knows that the easiest and
fastest way to lose that fortune is to marry for love—and
then divorce. This is because between the sheets, you don’t
think about prenups or protecting your assets. And that can
get you in a real bind.
But…. But what? If you’re feeling some twinge of moral
reluctance, stop right now. Whose life is this anyway? Are
you going to listen to old biddies who quilt all day, smell like
Bengay, and have a refrigerator full of half-empty cat food
cans? Or are you going to go out and seek to live the life you
deserve? How many nights have you trolled the local bar look-

12
!"#$%&%''()'"%$

ing for that one special person? How many times have you seen
those same regulars perched on the same barstool, hoping you
wouldn’t end up just like them—hanging out, drinking, and
taking home the losers who are left? There is nothing stopping
you but you.
It takes just as much energy to marry a poor person as a
rich one, and the benefits are substantially better if you go rich.
Even if you think it’s not that big a deal for you, what about
your children and your family? Do you want your offspring (or
potential offspring) to have the option of Harvard—or Redneck
U? Do you want to spend your time at the premier parties on
the East and West coasts, or spend your time at Podunk Holler
potluck dinners and booster club meetings?
Your future is up to you; you just have to decide what you
really want and then go get it. And it’s easier than you think.
Throughout this book, I offer tips and techniques to take
you from one of the crowd to one of the new rich through
marriage. You may be a little hesitant at first to get completely
on board with the idea, but once you understand the potential
outcome, you will see the reality that marrying for money in
today’s financial environment is a necessity if you expect to live
the life you deserve.
You can choose to have sex with a short, bald average guy
for the next twenty years, or you can have sex with a short,
bald millionaire (who can afford Viagra); it’s up to you. All
I’m saying is that if you have the choice, choose money. And
we all have a choice.

The Real Fairy Tale Is Cash


Let’s go back to Cinderella. Why would we create a story
that makes it sound like love will bring a “happily ever after”?
It’s important to remember that history (and fairy tales) was
written by those who won, by those who accomplished their
goals, and by those with money. So maybe we should take a
closer look at the reality of her situation.

13
'*!&(+",%)'-,%

Picture a bitter and jealous scullery maid whose father mar-


ried a woman in a typical arranged marriage of the time. The
new wife was cunning and devious but gave it up on a regular
basis and asked only that her two daughters be presented to men
with money so as to increase the family wealth. The problem
was that the husband died young, so his only daughter resented
the new wife getting everything that was rightfully hers. Think
about the fight between Anna Nicole and her dead husband’s
son, and you’ll get the picture.
Now imagine that the smart and resourceful Cinderella has
to find a way out of this mess. She has brains, and she knows
how the rich think. She arranges a few coincidental meetings
between herself and a rich prince. She even manages to let him
rescue her and feel that testosterone rush through his veins. You
guessed it—his dick gets hard and he has to have her.
This fair maiden hides from the prince’s troops as they
scour the countryside looking for her, and Cinderella then
spreads rumors that the wicked stepmother locked her away.
On the night of the ball, she sets her plan into motion, bring-
ing in stylists and a designer gown—appearing in her finest
at the ball and dazzling the prince’s senses. She teases and
taunts and strokes his ego—and whatever else is begging to be
petted—until she can get an arrangement in place. The two
negotiate but are interrupted. She leaves just enough clues for
him to find her, but not enough to make it easy—just like the
woman who leaves the tube of lipstick or unique earrings but
no phone number.
After whacking off at her memory for weeks, he’ll do
anything to have her—including giving her half his kingdom
(community property, you know). With the deal imminent,
she allows him to find her and before the stepmother can get
her girls into pasties and G-strings, Cinderella has stolen the
prize and flips them the bird as the fairy tale coach rolls into
the sunset.
Cinderella didn’t marry for love; she married for money
and set out not just to be a player but to emerge the winner.
14
!"#$%&%''()'"%$

The only reason we think of Cinderella as a deserving and


worthy princess is simple: Cinderella played the game and
won. Sorry for shattering the mirror of illusion, but life is no
fairy tale, my friend. The practical and the mundane always
take their toll.
Let’s head outside the ballroom so you too can understand
the unspoken rules of the marrying-for-money game.

Summary
!" Marrying for love is a relatively new phenomenon.
!" Arranged marriages worked because they were based on
common financial goals that benefited both families.
!" In order to find true, lasting happiness, marriage must
also be treated as a business arrangement or merger.
!" Basing a relationship on fleeting emotions and sexual
infatuation (erroneously called love) is unpredictable
and uncertain, and fuels the escalating divorce rate.
!" Many of today’s billionaires married someone with
little to no monetary assets.
!" It takes as much energy to marry a poor person as a
rich one but the benefits are vastly different.

15