You Can’t Talk About Sex in Church!

CAN YOU?

Stephen L. Cervantes
&
Jonathan Daugherty

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You Can’t Talk About Sex In Church
Copyright © 2003 Stephen L. Cervantes, P.A.

All rights reserved. No part of this workbook may be reproduced

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permission from Be Broken Ministries, Inc.

Printed in the United States of America.

Published by:
Be Broken Ministries, Inc.
18965 FM 2252, Suite 101
Garden Ridge, TX 78266
(210) 657.2396

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A letter to pastors and ministry leaders

The culture is slipping into moral chaos. Pornography and

promiscuity are flaunted regularly by the media. It is on the
television, at the movies, on the Internet, and in popular
magazines. More and more men are coming forward and
admitting to a struggle in this area. These are Christian men.
These men know their Bibles. These men know about prayer.
These men attend church. But they struggle quietly and alone.

We cannot afford to sit idly by watching man after man fall. We

must take a stand. We must draw our line in the sand. We must
be bold about what we stand for and who we are. We are
Christian men. We are called to a higher standard.

This short booklet contains insightful information to help you

break the silence in your church. Men need a safe place to talk
honestly about the real life struggles they face. The Church is
meant to be that place.

Are you ready to make a difference for the men in your church?
Don’t be afraid. If you take the lead and make sex a topic for
discussion within the men in your church, you will not stand
alone. Countless men have been waiting for someone to talk to
about their own struggle.

Be bold. Be courageous. God is looking for such to lead His

Church.

Yours for purity,

Stephen Cervantes
&
Jonathan Daugherty

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A Conversation with Church Men

Isn’t it odd that a man can’t talk about the struggles of male
sexuality in the church?

We are all sexual beings. It is no secret. In fact, it was God’s idea

to make us sexual beings in the first place. As a young man, I
found the silence on this topic deafening. I always wondered why
older Christian men never talked to younger men about the
challenges of managing male sexuality. I wondered what the
giant void meant. Why was it almost universally never
discussed? Was this topic taboo?

Maybe real “godly” men never had inappropriate thoughts or

sexual struggles? Was I not supposed to be a sexual being at
church or around church people? The only acceptable conclusion
was to live a divided life. At church I was to dress nicely, talk
readily, be friendly, visit with others, and look “Christian.” It was
easy for a young man to conclude that God must not want His
people to discuss the topic.

Male preachers never talked about it. Male bible class teachers
never mentioned it. Perhaps a male retreat speaker would lightly
touch on the topic. Then that guy would leave town in a hurry.
Every older man avoided the issue like the plague. This is when I
discovered the “rule of church men.”

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The “Rule” for Almost Every Church Man

The rule of church men goes like this: I will never ask you how you
are doing at managing your sexual thought life and in return you agree
to never ask me how I am doing. That’s it. It is a mutually protective
agreement, quietly understood by every churched man. This
unspoken agreement has influenced men in the pews for
hundreds of years.

Why was this Rule Developed by Church Men?

First, if any man talks about his sexual thought life he must admit
failure. No one has 100% control of his thought life 100% of the
time. All have sinned and fallen short. (Rom.3:23) Ninety-nine
percent of all men qualify at some point as a sexual thought
struggler. (Recognizing nothing is absolute, a provision is being
made for the 1% exception – that we have yet to find)

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So, here are the sexual thought categories:

 One percent (1%) club (never has any inappropriate

sexual thought slips)
 Light struggler (rare but periodic thought slips)
 Moderate struggler (a definite battle, some success, some
failures)
 Heavy struggler (a struggle that many times ends in loss
of thought control)
 Addicted (regular loss of control)

Secondly, most of the women in the pew don’t want to know how
difficult it is for a male to manage his sexual thought life. When
you try to explain the male thought struggle to a Christian female
you get winces, frowns, shock and disgust. So, men quickly learn
to keep their thought struggle to themselves.

Thirdly, admitting failure in a church setting is often like bleeding

in a shark pool. The church can be hostile towards an individual
disclosing personal struggles. Men’s thought struggles are one of
the least understood and scariest areas to discuss.

A recent incident occurred in a friend's living room. It was a

“couple situation” when I brought up this topic. The husband
looked at me with two looks. The first was that “deer in the
headlights” look. He zoned out. It seems he was trying to be a
hundred miles away from this conversation. The look was
interrupted with a flash of anger. It was as if to say, “You are
not going to force me to come out and openly discuss this topic in
front of our wives are you?” Most men believe it is best to just
leave this area alone completely.

Unfortunately, not discussing this topic only leaves a man waist

deep in ignorance, isolation and shame.

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Due to the void of information on the topic, the traditional
perception within the church has been divided into two
categories:

1. There are the sexually pure, always in control, 100% clean

saints.
2. There are the sexually perverted, sexually out of control men.
Shouldn’t we have another category? We need a third group.
Let’s call the third category the…
3. “Regular, godly, Christian, sexual men”

The Old Church View

The old church view has been this: No man has a problem until he is
caught or turned in by a spouse and reported to be out of control. The
church male leadership assumes you are doing just fine. If you
have a problem, you will handle it yourself and/or privately get it
“fixed.” Often church programs assume no one needs any
support in this area. Just leave it alone. All will be fine. All will
be fine until we learn about men who are having affairs, or men
who are being sexually inappropriate on the Internet, etc. All is
fine until a wife finds her spouse’s secret porn stash or a man
comes forward in church and confesses a secret addiction that has
been quietly destroying him.

The church is full of regular, godly, Christian sexual ministers

who are doing their best to serve God and their congregations.
We salute those men. Thank you for your sacrifices for Christ and
His church. However, one older man shared with me this
interesting insight. Perhaps one of the reasons this silence has
persisted so long may be because some church leaders have their
hand in the cookie jar or crumbs on their face. Just a thought…

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The Old Church Solution

When a man was caught participating in inappropriate sexual

activity, it would be handled in one of the following ways.

a. He would be told, “Stop it.”

b. “We will pray for you.”
c. “Just don’t think about it anymore.”
d. He would be sent home, hearing as he leaves, “Don’t
do it anymore!”
e. The scolded man would hang his head, slowly walk
away and repeat, “Never again, never again, I
promise, never again.”

(We know embarrassment and fear are good motivators – short

term. However, we also know they usually last only a few weeks
and then the struggle starts to smolder again.)

The standard Jesus set seems almost impossible. Still, every man
is ordered daily to strive for 100% thought purity.

The standard is the standard. There is no other standard. There is

no watering it down. There is no other translation. It is not open
to interpretation. With every battle, with every thought, with
every fiber of your being, you are called to strive for sexual
thought purity.

Here is the scriptural command of Jesus to his followers. (Matt.

5:28) “Everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has
already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

The challenge left by Jesus is every man, every day, striving for
thought purity. In other words, you practice eye and thought
management from your morning prayers until the day ends and
you say your good night prayers.

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The New Church View

The new church view is that every man needs support. Every man
needs an accountability partner. Every man is in a battle. The
battle is struggling to hold on to God’s ordained thought purity
one day at a time. Every man is now under heavy bombardment.
Every man needs another man. Every man needs a place for
accountability, openness and honesty. The culture is slipping
towards Gomorrah. It is dragging many good men down with it.

The New Church Solution

¾ Sound the alarm. Pass the word. Take a stand against
ignorance, isolation and shame.
¾ There is a battle raging for the minds and hearts of all men.
¾ Here is the plan. Move closer to our Heavenly Father,
embracing the Son, inviting fellowship of the Holy Spirit to
help.
¾ We are looking for a few good men, willing to commit to a
personal sexual purity walk.
¾ Your first request will be to offer God 40 days of sexual
thought purity.
¾ You will need two things: 1) A sexual purity battle plan, and
2) A trusted brother for accountability. If you find a Christian
brother willing to make a similar commitment to purity you
have the beginnings of a small group.
¾ Pray for wisdom.

Note - The challenge you are about to embrace is a difficult one.

You will be misunderstood, possibly even mocked by individuals
inside and outside the church. My journey has been a six year
journey of sounding the alarm. The first response is always one of
shock and disbelief. Next comes resistance to change. I have
experienced being called names. My response is always the same.
Jesus took the stripes across His back and death on a cross for me.

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I will stand, taking verbal criticism thrown in my direction as my
offering back to Him.

I am living proof; the struggle is not an easy battle. It is not easy

to turn over your private sexual thought playground. One man
called it the “wonderland in my head.” However, God has been
faithful. Purity is not an option. It is the pure in heart who will
see God. (Matt. 5:8)

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Two Closing Thoughts

The moral free fall our society is now experiencing does not
surprise God. He has been watching cultures rise and fall since
the beginning of time. The good news is God has quietly been
putting men in place for such a time as this. He has everyone He
needs.

Some men are already working on sexual thought purity. Others

are getting ready to join this effort. Here is the vision: It is time for
those who have been quietly preparing, standing around embarrassed in
the back, to step forward. It is time for those who are sick and tired
of being divided to join them. It is now time for a small group in
each church to take leadership in this area.

Seize the day! You only have two choices:

1. Grab a brother, in an effort to embrace the battle & hear Heaven

rejoice.

OR

2. Quietly and compliantly slip and slide your way to Gomorrah.

There is no safe middle ground. Indecision will quickly trap you

in a quicksand of shifting sexual urges and impulses. It is only
through submission to God’s plan that the pull of the flesh can be
bridled.

May God bless your efforts.

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Closing Verses of Encouragement

When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I

thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish
things. 1 Corinthians 13:11 (KJV)

Therefore I urge you, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present

your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which
is your spiritual service of worship. Romans 12:1 (NAS)

Thanks for taking time to read these comments.

Stephen Cervantes, LPC

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Additional Helpful Resources
There are 4 Pillars of Purity you must consider when starting your
purity plan:
1. Profess the struggle.

2. Understand triggers.

3. Relate with God.

4. Engage others.
For additional help in preparing your own sexual purity battle
plan please consider the following resources:

40 Days of Purity Workbook by Stephen Cervantes & Jonathan

Daugherty

A powerful resource workbook filled with information and

practical applications to help you get off to a good start toward
purity. This workbook is valuable whether you are a seasoned
believer or struggling saint.

Call 1.800.49.PURITY or visit www.bebroken.com.

Beyond 40 Days by Stephen Cervantes & Jonathan Daugherty

This resource is a great follow up to our original 40 Days of Purity

workbook. It is filled with daily insights, purity tips, and biblical
principles for maintaining a lifestyle of purity.

Call 1.800.49.PURITY or visit www.bebroken.com.

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Understanding Shame: Breaking the Power of the Addictive
Spiral by Jonathan Daugherty

The "Understanding Shame" workbook provides the tools you

need to break free from the trap of self-abusive thoughts. Use the
workbook individually or in a group setting. Each chapter is
followed up with thought provoking questions to help you dive
deeper into understanding how shame is affecting your life - and
how to live free from such negative effects.

Call 1.800.49.PURITY or visit www.bebroken.com.

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