By David Oppegaard
2
Contents
Vader
The Vessel
Stop Whining, Luke
The Crazy Old Man
The Coruscant Review Interview With Emperor Palpatine
The Kessel Run
Jawas Drink Too Much
I Dream of Wookie
Lightsaber
Alderaan’s Lament
Tractor Beam
The Approaching Compression
Wait For Me! A Brief Play Authored By C-3PO, Protocol Droid
Death Star Haunt
Rescued
Briefing
Darth Vader Watches the Stars
Reluctant Hero: The Ballad of Han Solo
The Moment
Conflagration
Drifting
Echoes
Echo Base
The Meat Locker
Then I’ll See You in Hell
Guts
Discarded Love Letter to Luke Skywalker
The Battle of Hoth
Evacuation
among the rocks
Your Love is Like Landing On a Spongy Asteroid
Han & Leia Go to Couples Counseling
Training Ground
Yoda Haiku #1
Yoda Haiku #2
Yoda Haiku #3
I Wandered Lonely as Cloud City
3
The Trap
Bobba Fett Employee Review
Guinea Pig
Lando Changes His Mind
Revelation
Collateral Damage
The Brink
Death Star II
Entering the Hutt’s Palace
The Bluff
Thawing Han
Pay Jabba No Bother
The Jedi Knight
The Pleasure Barge
Sarlaac
You’re Gonna Die Here, You Know
The Eye Candy Fights Back
Returning to Dagobah
Palpatine
Grass Root Rebels
Story Hour with the Golden God
Confessions of an Imperial Guardsman
The Last Temptation of Skywalker
The Battle of Endor
The Shield Generator
The Good in Darth Vader
Day of the Dead
4
do you want me to tell it like boy meets girl and the rest is history? or do you want it
like a murder mystery? i’m gonna tell it like a comeback story.
Vader
The Vessel
Two members of the Emperor’s Royal Guard lead me into the Emperor’s throne
room, their scarlet red tunics swaying with the rhythm of their march. This is just one
throne room, on one ship, but it is the most impressive room I’ve ever seen. A vast,
open concavity, the room’s far wall is basically one enormous, circular viewport
The view is spectacular, a mash of stars and the distant, blinking lights of starship
traffic, and I consider for a moment what it would feel like to look out at so much space
feet above the main floor, creating an effect that gives throne room visitors the sense
that they are very small in the presence of such greatness. I remain standing before the
throne (there are no chairs) and wait in respectful silence until Emperor Palpatine
finally sighs, roused from his thoughts, and turns his throne to face me. As always, he
is clad in a simple black tunic, a hood obscuring much of his face. What glimpses I do
get of his pale, deeply weathered face throughout the interview chill me to the bone:
INTERVIEWER
Good evening, Emperor. Thank you for granting this interview. I know what a
busy man you are.
PALPATINE
11
Yes, yes. We can dispense with the pleasantries. What questions do you have for
me tonight?
INTERVIEWER
Do you find running the galaxy to be enjoyable? Many would assume it would be a
heavy burden at best.
PALPATINE
I have always had a talent for managing. I find the challenge of rule to be quite
invigorating, especially on such a grand scale. Every day is a new surprise, a new
challenge to be crushed. It keeps me young.
INTERVIEWER
Reports have come in stating that the Rebel resistance is gaining strength, especially
in the outer rim planets.
PALPATINE
Every great empire has faced resistance movements such as this. The rebels claim
to want freedom, but what they actually seek is chaos. Before I assumed control, the
entire galaxy was in disarray. Innocents were being murdered. Piracy was rampant. Do
you know what the space piracy statistics are today? Virtually zero. Today, private
citizens can travel throughout known space knowing the largest military fleet ever
assembled protects them every light year of the way. The rebels would have us return to
the dark ages of galactic security, and do you know why? It’s because it’s much easier
to make a profit in a galaxy without law.
INTERVIEWER
Your critics have referred to your and Darth Vader’s reign as a “two-man cult”.
PALPATINE [Cackles.]
Really? I haven’t heard that one before. That’s good.
12
INTERVIEWER
You’re not offended?
PALPATINE
No, no. My skin’s a little thicker than that. Two-man cult. Well, that’s the sort of a
racism my people have been forced to endure over the ages. People always fear what
they don’t understand, and the Jedi are simply another example of that. Look at the
Great Jedi Purge, years ago. Terrible tragedy.
INTERVIEWER
Some have claimed you were behind the purge.
PALPATINE
Yes, yes. It’s a ridiculous aspersion. I suppose they also say I no longer eat food, or
sleep. Perhaps lightning fires out of my fingertips as well. Every powerful figure has to
deal with such mythologizing. It’s the price of being in the public eye.
INTERVIEWER
If we could switch gears a moment, there’ve also been reports that the government
is constructing a new space station.
PALPATINE
That was leaked, huh?
INTERVIEWER
Yes, sir.
PALPATINE
Well, I suppose we weren’t going to be able to keep it under wraps forever. Yes,
we’re working on a new space station. We hope to use it has a university. We envision
13
a portable school capable of traveling to even the most remote planets in the system and
educating its inhabitants. You know how important education has always been to me.
INTERVIEWER
So the space station will not be a military weapon?
PALPATINE
There will be military aspects to the stations, yes, but only for matters of self-
defense. Some of the systems it will be traveling to may be a little hot.
INTERVIEWER
Then why the exorbitant costs associated with producing the station?
PALPATINE
You know how these government contractors are. They quote you one price, muck
everything up, and suddenly you’re billions over budget. It can be quite infuriating.
INTERVIEWER
I’d imagine so. Is there anything else you’d like to add?
PALPATINE
I would just like to remind my subjects that I’m working as hard as I can. I may
only be one man, but with the power of the dark side behind me, you’ll never find
anyone as motivated to protect your freedom from these rebel terrorists who see fit to
go around threatening the security of good, hard-working citizens.
14
They spend their time roaming about the desert like idiots
Then come into my cantina act like they own the place
When they don’t, they don’t own nothing, the beastly little scavengers.
Did you know they stink like oil? Try shaking hands with one.
You won’t get the smell off for days and what’s with those eyes
Gold and glowing like spooks they won’t let you see them
Without their hoods on they’re probably Rebel spies
They’d sell their own mother, if you haggled with them long enough,
And then they’d spend the money on liquor and more liquor.
Everybody in this bar knows they’re good for nothing. I think
They must have sold their souls somewhere down the line and
That’s why you can’t see their faces that’s what they’re hiding.
16
I Dream of Wookie
You laugh,
Warm in your anger,
Your fur,
You are the mighty Chewbacca.
17
Lightsaber
Alderaan’s Lament
Tractor Beam
Characters
Scene
[C-3PO and R2-D2, standing in front of a communications panel on board the Death
Star. Off-stage, the humans are trapped in the Death Stars garbage compactor. Master
Luke’s desperate screams can be heard through a microphone.]
[More screaming through the microphone. C-3PO flails limbs, devastated. R2-D2
burbles to itself, as if satisfied.]
[The screams turn to jubilation. Master Luke informs the droids that they are alright,
despite R2-D2’s slow maneuvering. Arrangements are made for unlocking the garbage
compactor and freeing the trapped humans.]
R2-D2: [This just means more travel for us, you know.]
C-3PO: More travel? What is wrong with you, you bucket of bolts?
R2-D2: [I don’t know. Maybe I’ve seen too much.]
C-3PO: Too much? What have you seen too much of?
R2-D2: [You wouldn’t believe me if I told you. Let’s just say this galaxy contains its
fair share of violent, malfunctioning beings. You know what I mean? Some
days it’s all I can do to keep rolling along.]
C-3PO: No, I don’t know what you mean. Perhaps your circuits are crossed….
R2-D2: [They’re crossed alright. I think I’m depressed.]
C-3PO: That’s ridiculous. You’re a machine. Machines do not get depressed.
R2-D2: [What do you know? Have you ever spent a week exposed to the vacuum of
space, chilled to the core of your gears?]
C-3PO: No, but I’m sure it’s nothing a good oil bath can’t fix. I mean really, R2. The
idea of a depressed droid….
[R2-D2 rolls slowly back and fourth. R2-D2 emits a soft, forlorn whistle as they
continue to wait for the humans to reappear.]
personal cost? Or are we actually free in our service, elevated in our devotion
to beings higher than ourselves? That despite the thousands of variety of
verbal and non-verbal language that exist, we all, at the end of the day, speak
the same remarkable tongue, the tongue of Life?
R2-D2: [That sounds like sophistry to me.]
C-3PO: No, you merely fail to understand me. You astromech units are all the same.
You can navigate through the stars without fail, but not once do you stop to
consider their beauty. You might as well wheel yourself into a cave
somewhere and watch the shadows play on the walls. You’d get as much out
of it.
R2-D2: [That sounds okay. Or a pleasure barge. I could get a gig on a pleasure barge
serving drinks. I always thought that sounded like a good time. You don’t
have to think much, every day is a party….]
C-3PO: Really, R2. You astound me. Do you not understand that life only contains the
meaning we give it, and that every new day we must brace ourselves for new
trials and go about in good spirits, running when we need to, lest the good
things in life pass us by?
[Master Han, Master Luke, Master Chewbacca, and Her Royal Highness, Princesses
Leia, run past the droids in a hollering blur, firing wildly into the hallway they’ve just
emerged from, and disappear STAGE RIGHT. The tromp of running storm troopers
can be heard in hot pursuit C-3PO and R2-D2 scramble after the humans. C-3PO
turns to the audience as he departs.]
END
24
Tonight, the old Jedi haunts the Death Star like a ghost.
He fogs the minds of storm troopers, laughing
At how simple it is, and how some things
Never change.
Rescued
Briefing
The catch and release went smoothly he will be pleased these children are so easy to
manipulate they have no idea of the power that flows around them unused as useless to
them as a starship to a bantha they might as well be crushed now before they cause any
more trouble the old man is gone now I thought he’d put up more of a fight than that
the old tiger they don’t make them like that anymore no one has any respect they’ve
forgotten the power of the Force they don’t understand what it can do now that the Jedi
are gone almost extinct though I did sense something today wasn’t that curious even
after the old man disappeared it was there crackling nearby a new current a strong
current wouldn’t that be interesting the Force cannot be as easily dismissed as these
heathens believe my sad devotion to an ancient religion indeed Admiral Motti wasn’t so
cocky when he found his windpipe constricted and if only they could have seen me
smiling beneath this expressionless mask they would have stood back and taken notice
yes our fire has not gone out of the universe some Jedi escaped and live still these soft
bureaucrats will find out the hard way if they choose to ignore my warnings pride goes
before the fall what was that a comet perhaps streaking across the dark so much space
so many stars and here I stand second only to the Emperor himself he could be
watching the same section of stars right now he never sleeps he allows himself any
distraction his will is bent on domination the Rebels are nothing but an amusement for
him an expected annoyance heavy weighs the crown his will is like a dark metal forged
by ancient gods and these soldiers don’t understand his nature only that he is terrible
and severe they would not take the Force lightly after a personal counsel with him it
will be a pleasure to track that old smuggler’s ship down and watch their base go up in
28
flames like Alderaan so many sweet little voices crying out in terror and death and they
all deserved it one and all no one is innocent no one I’ve poured the blood of so many
onto the soil of so many worlds yet still she is gone lost to me and even now her
memory makes my fists clench her betrayal and my youthful impetuosity the horror that
our love became and yes I deserve to die as much as anyone else but I will take as many
abomination they want a freak I will give them a freak I will take them apart limb by
limb my sword crackling they will know pain they will know the power of the Dark
Side they will kneel kneel kneel we have brought the Galaxy to its knees crushing the
I.
II.
III.
The Moment
The old man spoke to him from beyond the grave and Luke understood the moment had
come. The moment he’d dreamt of all his life, awake or asleep, and he knew that he had
to give himself over to it, to let the Force guide him and cleave the way for him, like a
powerful beast breaking trail in some dark forest on some dense backwater planet. Not
everything could be explained, or locked onto with tracking equipment, and he now
stood on the threshold of life and death, like a god, and despite his youth (or because of
it) he was able to let go and give himself over to the event. He closed his eyes, sensed
the narrow gap ahead of him, and fired.
32
Conflagration
Drifting
Echoes
II
Echo Base
Guts
Dear Luke,
Well, right now you’re floating in the bacta tank, unconscious and wearing that
ridiculous adult diaper patients have to wear while they’re recovering. They say you’re
going be fine, a 100% recovery, and I’m glad to hear it. I don’t know what I would
have done had you died. I’ve grown quite found of you over these last few years. I
really have.
You know, Luke, we may be from two different worlds, but I can’t help but feel
a strong connection with you. Strange but true, and I think you feel it, too. A sort of
unspoken bond between us that I, for my part, have never felt with anyone else, even
feelings and now, in these times of uncertainty, it’s perhaps best to put them away for a
examination at a less critical time. The Rebellion requires all our attention at the
moment, doesn’t it? It’s like a hungry, crying child that must be constantly fed, bathed,
and kept warm. I go to bed worrying about logistical matters and I wake up worrying
about logistical matters. And always, my bed is cold, especially on this damn ice cube
of a planet.
But I’m glad Han brought you back to base. He’s something, isn’t he? Part
rogue and part soldier. The sort of guy all the girls would have been crazy for back in
school. The reckless type you’re surprised to find still living past the age of twenty-
five. I’ve never liked his type. Too obvious, isn’t it? You’d have to have the brain of a
Anyhow. This letter has already gone on for too long, and I probably won’t
even send it. I don’t see what good it would do. Either you feel the same way I feel
about you or you don’t. There’s no use getting all gooey and fluttery about it. We must
remember the work we have in front of us, the juvenile Rebellion that needs feeding
until it can grow big enough to stand on its own two feet. The wicked Empire must fall,
Love,
Leia
42
Evacuation
pursued,
they
flew into
so
they
dove
inside
grateful
Unstable,
Tentative,
You run hot and cold,
Divided against yourself.
You’re so used to fighting
Even love doesn’t come easily,
Your kiss like an animal’s snarl,
Your body as rigid as armored plating.
But you know what? I think you like me.
I think you’ve been waiting for a guy like me.
There haven’t been enough scoundrels in your life,
And that’s the sort of poverty wealth cannot dissipate.
46
(The following is a transcript from a couples counseling session between noted couples
therapist Teela Malt, Han Solo, and Leia Organa. Many Bothans died in ways
unrelated to the smuggling of this information.)
Malt: Greetings, Han and Leia. It’s so nice to see you this afternoon.
Leia: You see? That’s what I’m talking about. He’s such a smart mouth. He says
stuff like that all the time, and then he grins like he’s so cute. It drives me crazy.
He’s just putting up walls.
Han: Oh, like you don’t have any walls yourself? I’ve never met someone with so
many intimacy issues.
Malt: Leia, do you remember what we spoke about during our last session? That you
may be displacing some of your anger regarding the destruction of Alderaan
onto Han?
Leia: Yes, I do. But you have to agree some of it should be placed right on him. He’s
infuriating!
Malt: Yes, Han does have a tendency to provoke. One imagines a schoolboy pulling
the hair of the girl in front of him because he has a crush on her.
Han: Hey, I’m not crushed. Wait. Did you mean that I was crushed, or her? If anyone
is doing the crushing here, it’s me.
47
Leia: See what I mean? His emotional armor is thicker than the Millennium Falcon’s
hull!
Han: Wait a second here. Let’s leave the Falcon out of this. She did the Kessel Run
—
Leia: Yeah, yeah. We know, we know. Enough already. You’d think you and that
ship were going steady or something.
Malt: Okay, people. Let’s pull back a bit. Han, I’d like you to say something you like
about Leia. It can be anything that comes to mind.
Han: Alright. She has nice skin. A good, creamy complexion. How’s that?
Han: And she smells good. Like apricots. And she has a nice rack.
Malt: Thank you, Han. That’s quite enough. And what about you, Leia? Can you tell
us something you like about Han?
Leia: He’s got good hair. A little messy, but pretty good.
Malt: Thank you. See? There’s plenty to build on here. Okay, what else should we
discuss before our time is up?
Han: You don’t seem like friends to me. I see the way you two look at each other.
And what about that kiss you gave him?
Leia: The guy almost froze to death. He deserved a kiss. And besides, I only did that
to make you mad.
Leia: Please. You’re such a martyr. Look at me, I’m a poor down-and-out smuggler.
I have a bounty on my head. Boo hoo!
Malt: Well, it looks like our time is up. Same time next week?
Transcript Ended
49
Training Ground
Yoda Haiku #1
My exile peaceful.
51
Yoda Haiku #2
Yoda Haiku #3
The Trap
I, Korg, am writing to speak of Boba Fett in regards to the employee review requested
First I would like to state wow, we have a tough one here. I do not believe I have ever
had a genuine Mandolarian employee here at Mandolarian Mal’s Fry Shack during my
considerable tenure, and I do not recommend such a thing happening again. In his brief
time with us, Mr. Boba Fett has done a great deal of staring silently when he should
have been cleaning instruments of cooking, mainly the fryers, or assisting patrons in the
When I originally hired Mr. Fett, I believed his authenticity, i.e. his wonderfully
authentic Mandolarian bounty hunter armor, would amuse and beguile the varied
patrons of our establishment. Instead, it appears to have the opposite effect, i.e.
rendering many mute when his armored presence is observed, although it does present
the benefit of shielding Mr. Fett from the occasional splash of hot oil, which, as you
56
strive to be. Further, his general attitude may be described as “bad” verging, at times,
on downright “seditious”. When asked why he bothered with a part-time job at all by
another employee, he replied, “hunting is slow this season” and that he found all of us,
myself included, to be “pathetically weak creatures utterly lacking one tough bone in
our flabby, spineless bodies.” As you know, I am mammalian, and indeed possess a
spine, so as you may imagine this baseless aspersion cut me to the very marrow of my,
yes, spine.
On the plus side, however, Mr. Fett’s presence had deterred all crime within the
vicinity, and even the minor spice dealers accustomed to working out back (in stark
opposition to my wishes and company policy) have taken their dealings elsewhere. The
one hold-up attempt since Mr. Fett’s hire ended up in unmitigated disaster for the
would-be robbers, i.e. Mr. Fett efficiently seared their persons in a flurry of blaster
related activity. Indeed, it felt as if the Angel of Death himself had briefly paid visit to
our glorious establishment, such was the swiftness of the justice coolly meted out by
Mr. Fett.
In summation, Mr. Fett remains a work in progress. At the present moment I would not
recommend Mr. Fett being promoted to Level 2, nor would I go so far to suggest that he
be removed from Mandolarian Mal’s Fry Shack employment altogether (indeed, such a
suggestion may lead not only to own death, which I find a most unpleasant prospect,
but to the relentless, galaxy-wide stalking and execution of each and every Fry Shack
57
eventually have their desired effect, thus molding Mr. Fett into the ideal Fry Shack
employee, or, at least, let us hope for an increase in criminal and/or loan evasion
Sincerely,
Korg
Guinea Pig
They
Lowered
Han Solo into
The carbon-freezing chamber
And
Damn
If she didn’t say
I
Love
You
Right
Before
A Great Cold
Overtook
Him,
The
Sort of cold
That
Slows
Everything,
Until
Even your dreams
Go
Dark.
59
Alright.
Revelation
Collateral Damage
The Brink
III
The Reckoning
64
Death Star II
The Bluff
The bounty hunter brought the Wookie to the Hutt and proceeded to bargain with a
thermonuclear detonator.
This alarmed the crowd but pleased Jabba, who was glad to see this sort of gumption
alive and well.
It seemed like so many of his conversations revolved around artifice, sleaze, and
sycophantic acquiescence.
How refreshing it was to be reminded of the sharp clarity an explosive could bring to a
dull party.
67
Thawing Han
Dear Diary,
Today was good day. Me eat many squirming paddy frogs. They fought against
my tongue but my tongue is very strong and crushed paddy frogs and then, no more
screaming. Just crushed paddy frogs sliding down my fierce throat and into first
stomach. How can you go wrong with fresh squirming paddy frogs? You
cannot. Maybe I will eat more before I close eyes and slumber.
Also, I have new dancing girl. Very pretty. She has gumption. Yesterday she
brought me wookie Chewbacca and pulled thermal detonator on all of us. It would
have been messy, but I agreed to her bounty price, and later, when she try to free Han
Solo from carbonite, I get whole gang together and we have good throaty laugh over
her misfortune. She loves Han Solo but the smuggling loser is in dungeon now with
wookie Chewbacca (who is not such a bad guy, really, if only he would hang around
with better crowd). Now pretty girl is dressed in sexy space lingerie and I have
harnessed her sexy body to my own and when I want to lick her I simply tug on chain
and there she is, mine for the licking. It is good to be king, even of desert crap hole like
Tatooine.
Perhaps I should call Father before I slumber. It has been ages. But he will ask
all the usual questions, like when am I going to settle down and create little
Huttlets. Why is he never satisfied? I am six hundred years old. I am my own Hutt. I
am ruthless dominator of entire planet, richer than many Hutts, and still he must carp,
carp, carp. Even on the day they bring Han Solo to me, screaming like nancy girl but
69
soundless, because of the carbonite, I call Father and all he can say is, “That is nice,
Son, but have you thought about your future?” Why should I think about future when I
can lick women in lascivious outfits whenever I want, eat all the paddy frogs my
stomach desires, and I gain tremendous weight with each passing year? Sometimes life
XOXO,
Jabba
70
Sarlacc
A ridiculous costume
That made half her ass
Hang out. Leia didn’t
Think about the crime
And murder, the outfit
Was enough to make
Her coil the chain
Around her hands
And pull and pull and
Pull, until the fat
Bastard’s thick sloppy
Tongue came flopping
Out and the Hutt fell
Forward, dead, like any
Other slab of meat.
75
Returning to Dagobah
Luke stepped
Outside to find
Ben’s blue ghost
Waiting
To pass along
More revelations.
Well.
Palpatine
Night fell over the forest moon of Endor. The Ewok village gathered around the droid
they’d mistaken for a golden god and listened to the story he told, the one about the war
between the Rebel Alliance and the Empire. C-3PO told the story in translation and he
told it well. This was protocol droid’s specialty, after all; he’d been created to shine in
the arena of rhetoric, and so often he was told to shut up, interrupted in mid-sentence as
he attempted to express himself. He even told the story with sound effects, and was
gratified to see his human companions listening without the benefit of translation,
following him as raptly as the brown-eyed creatures around him. It occurred to him, as
it had more than once over the years of shuttling from world to world, that proper
communication was everything.
79
I don’t have a lot of time, okay? So I’m just going to talk and fill you in on all
the juicy behind the scenes details you probably want to know about and then I have to
hightail it back to work. I have the night shift tonight and I’ve already popped the three
First off, yes, I’m an Imperial Guardsman, and what that means is I did real
good in the Academy, top of my class, actually, and that now I serve Emperor Palpatine
directly and am loyal only to him. Yes, I wear the scarlet cape, but that doesn’t mean I
like wearing scarlet. It’s a little ostentatious, don’t you think? Hard to slip around
unnoticed when you’re dressed in this getup, I can tell you that. I feel like some sort of
Pretty fancy, right? This means I spend my days and nights watching over the Big Man
himself. After all the holo-tabloid rumors, must be pretty curious about what Emperor
Palpatine’s like in person, but really he’s not that different from what you’d expect.
He’s pretty quiet, spends most of his time sitting in his throne and communing with the
Force, and once in a while they bring in someone special, maybe a top Rebel
commander, and he tortures them with that cool blue lightning of his. After one of these
sessions guess who gets to clean up the fried, disgusting body? That’s right, you’re
looking at him. Disposing of corpses is just another part of the job and really, you get
What else? Well, I spend a lot of time standing around looking vigilant and
keeping quiet. The Big Man hates noise; it disturbs his complex mind and gets in the
80
way of his dark scheming. You’re taught early on in the Academy that a good Royal
Guardsman is seen and not heard, and sometimes not even seen. The good thing is we
get to wear helmets that hide our faces and sometimes you can close your eyes for a
couple of seconds and nobody’s the wiser, though if the Big Man isn’t preoccupied,
you can sort of feel him poking around your brain looking for any excuse to fry your
sleepy ass. I’ve gotten good a visualizing vigilance, if you can believe that, and now
whenever I feel him poking around I just sort of go blank and scowl in a “I hate
The biggest question I get is, “Does he ever sleep or does he maintain a constant
sleeps a lot less than a normal person, maybe five, ten minutes a week. But when he’s
out you can always tell because suddenly there’s this rumbling noise coming from the
throne and that’s him, snoring like a Wookie. The Guardsmen I work with actually
keep a betting pool going on when he’s going to fall asleep next, what day and even
what hour of the day. It’s all in good fun, right? We love the Big Guy, even if he’d snap
my neck like a twig if he ever heard about this little interview. Speaking of which, I
What’s that? Oh, I guess I’m talking for the same reason most people talk out of
school. It’s thrilling, you know? I don’t mean anything by it. I love my job. I mean,
even with all the standing around and remaining vigilant and unpleasant corpse
Join us or die.