G.A.

By: Caroline Kaplan (4 guys sit in a room together in a circle, there is also an elderly woman) TIM Hello, I would just like to start off by welcoming you guys to the first official meeting of this branch of Gamblers Anonymous, the church has graciously agreed to let me host this here, as part of a new initiative to reach out to those in need in the community. SAM Isnt there a mass going on now? TIM Yes unfortunately there was a mix up in the time scheduling and this seemed to be the only time this room was available, but never mind for we know that the good church goers next door are all in support of you guys getting on the road to recovery. See, what you must remember is that we are all sinners in some way or another, but God believes in forgiveness for all his people and(his voice is suddenly overshadowed by the priest shouting in the congregation next door) PRIEST And may fire and brimstone come down on all those that dare stray from Gods path and that they may be cut up into tiny little pieces and burned in the pits of hell while we join together and spit in their faces and defecate on their sons(Tim gets up to quickly shut the door) TIM Anyways, so lets start off by going around introducing ourselves, and talking about why were here. Ill start. Im Tim, and this is my sponsor, Francine. I, like Im sure all you guys have known have had some trouble with gambling in the past but now Im on the road to recovery and Ive never felt better about myself. FRANCINE Then why is it you spend hours crying in the tub every night? TIM Mom shut up! I dont even take baths okay, our shower just makes a weird sound whenever you turn it on. FRANCINE Then how do you explain your hands, theyre always shriveled up like prunes when you come out of there. Ive told you a thousand times not to stay in there too long but you never listen, and thats why you look like a raisin! 1

I do not!

TIM

FRANCINE Why dont we let everyone here weigh in. I like raisin bran. JOHN

TIM Okay enough! (turns to his right) Why dont you tell us your name, and what it is that brought you here. Well Im lickmy Hi lickmy LICKMY EVERYONE

FRANCINE Thats certainly an interesting name, what made your parents choose that one? And whats your last name? TIM Mom! This is supposed to be anonymous! LICKMY No its okay, I dont mind. My last name is Alschole. My parents originally named me Frank, but a buddy of mine bet me $20 to change it to lickmy, so I did. FRANCINE Dear me. You changed your name to Lickmy Alschole for $20? TIM Mom, this is a judgment free zone. (suddenly the door opens again and Father Michael walks in, with the door open the other priests voice comes back) PRIEST And He is always watching, and for every act of disobedience Gods fury will rain down on the sinners with the force of 1000 droplets of diarrhea while he laughs and laughs(the priest closes the door again and the voice is cut off)

FATHER MICHAEL Hi guys! Sorry about that Father Bobs pretty big on imagery but anyways I just thought Id come in for a while to see how everything is going in here. TIM Father Michael! What a lovely surprise, please come sit down. (Father Michael pulls a chair over and sits down) Lickmy was just going to tell us about his gambling addiction. FATHER MICHAEL Excellent, do continue. LICKMY Well, the thing is, I dont gamble, I win. Because I always bet on myself. It started when I was younger, you know just stupid stuff. Like Hey Frank Ill lend you my pen if you fart on your mom. Or Hey Frank, Ill give you $10 to offer the vice principle a blow job. Or hey to get this pack of cigarettes all you have to do is eat all of them. But then after that things started to spiral out of control. And by my 3rd visit to the hospital, the doctor forced me to come here, not knowing what else to do. Sounds tough. TIM

FRANCINE You had to go to the hospital three times? TIM (stands up and shouts angrily) Mom stop fucking interrupting me! This is my meeting and Im running it the way I want! (turns to Lickmy) So you had to go to the hospital three times? LICKMY Yeah. This guy bet me a bag of nickels I wouldnt cut off my foot, and all my friends kept telling me not to do it, but I showed them! (reaches his pant leg up to reveal a clubbed foot) Then my friend offered me $20 for the clubbed foot, and in removing it the wound got reopened. What about the 3rd time? Oh, I had my tonsils out. 3 TIM LICKMY

Well thats not so bad.

TIM

LICKMY Yeah, my friend bet me I couldnt take out my own tonsils, and he promised to fix my sink if I did. I totally made him feel like an idiot. Though he did wait until afterwards to tell me he was kidding. But the point is, any bet on me is a definite win. TIM Right then, lets move on. Whos next? How about you? Im Sam. Hi Sam. SAM EVERYONE

TIM So whats been your struggle with addiction? SAM Well I really dont have a problem, its just after we lost our son, my wife and I were having a hard time and I guess I took it pretty hard so she made me come here. TIM Thats tough, I cant even begin to imagine what it must be like to lose a child. FRANCINE I think of it often. (wistful sigh, then she looks up with a dream like expression) LICKMY (Tim shoots Francine a dirty look and Lickmy attempts to relieve the tension) How old was he? SAM 9. I like to think hes in a better place now butFATHER MICHAEL Im sure he is son. Up in heaven smiling down upon you SAM Oh no, hes not dead or anything. I ran out of money at the tables one day and this Asian couple said they thought he was cute, and I had really good odds but I guess they call it craps for a reason. 4

(he shrugs as if to say whatre you gonna do?) FATHER MICHEAL Dear God in heaven! TIM Father, I told you this was a no judgment zone. Anyways theres still one person we havent heard from Hi everyone, Im John Hi John. JOHN EVERYONE

TIM So, John what specifically do you struggle with? Cards. JOHN

TIM Mmhmm. What is it Poker, blackjack, Texas holdem JOHN Anything I can get my hands on. I just, love them, you know? Sometimes it feels like I live in a house of cards. Weve all been there man. TIM

JOHN Yeah, it started out as just this fantasy you know, but then I just sort of spiraled and lost control, and now literally half of my house is made out of cards. TIM Wait what? JOHN I built my bed, I built my dining room table, even my door, and things get really messy when I have guests over because then I have to start all over from scratch my mom made me come here after she came over for dinner last night and broke her hip trying to sit on my sofa. TIM She sent you to GA? 5

JOHN Hey! My problems are just as real as anyone elses okay, and this happens to be the only free group therapy within walking distance of my house, and its supposed to be pretty windy today so I need to stay close by in case anything happens. Right, well no judgment here. TIM

FATHER MICHAEL Tim, I hate to do this but we need to set up the room for the post sermon smiting session but all of you guys should feel free to go next door and get communion, theyre just about to give it out. TIM Right then, well to conclude, good sharing everyone, I think weve all made some really good progress today and were all on the right track to recovery. (everyone gets up and starts to leave) SAM Hey, Lickmy, Ill give you five bucks to go wait on line and whip your dick out right before the priest gives you communion. Done. LICKMY END SCENE