Reconciliation with a Hardened Wife

If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Romans 12:18

How are you doin , husband! Is your wife considerin separation, or worse, are you already separated! How are you handlin it! "re you an ry! Were you shoc#ed! $o you feel li#e you have %ust awa#ened from a lon sleep, and now find yourself becomin an intensely spiritual man! Would you li#e to win your wife bac# and restore your family! I cannot promise that all who read this article and follow its recommendations will see their family restored, but I do believe that it presents the best biblical recommendations for a man abandoned by his wife. &ay all who read the followin find its eternal benefits.

Husbands, for your information When a woman first seriously considers divorce she usually isn't thin#in about the theolo ical implications of her desires ( all she #nows is that she feels li#e she has to et away from her husband. )he doesn*t arrive at this state of desperation by a process of calm deduction. )he is simply reactin to the feelin that she +can*t ta#e anymore.+ Her departure is typically a si n that she has hardened her heart towards the man to whom she once entrusted it. ,i#ely, she has been hurt over and over, and finally decided she will tolerate no more emotional pain. Her leavin may have been an attempt to coerce her husband to chan e, but more often it has been a desperate effort to survive. )he sincerely believes that she cannot endure anymore heartache, so she has reached out and rabbed onto the separation li#e a drownin swimmer clin s to a life rin . -ne of the reasons she became so wea#, and finally, unwillin to o on, was that whenever she became hurt, she also became an ry. "s time pro ressed, the hurts mounted up and the less she felt able to endure. )he inadvertently was doin what .hristians are warned not to do, and was lettin the sun o down on her an er /0ph 1:223, which rew into bitterness, which ultimately defiled her /Heb 12:143. In a final act of self defense, she hardened her heart so that it would no lon er be vulnerable to pain. 5his wall around her heart seemed to ive her the coura e to emotionally cut herself off from her husband. )adly, most husbands have few memories of 6hurtin 7 their wives. 8ut let all such men consider ( if a woman does somethin as e9treme as leave her mate, claimin she can no lon er handle the emotional pain, isn't it li#ely she is, in fact, in pain! /If emotional feelin s could bleed, a man would see a trail of blood followin his wife as she wal#s away from him.3 5he truth is that a hardened woman only ot that way because her feelin s ot hurt over and over. Herein lies the problem ( most women believe that they have communicated their hurt to their husbands, but most husbands only have memories of their wife's bad attitudes. "ll those times a wife thou ht she was simply e9pressin the cry of an in%ured heart, her husband only perceived hostility, coldness, or hatred. )he felt li#e she was be in for tenderness and sensitivity, and he bac#ed away because he thou ht he was bein attac#ed. &y e9perience is that most women leave their husbands, because they entered marria e with e9pectations of feelin treasured and cherished, and their husbands unwittin ly have sent the messa e that they are not. Hence, those women end up bitter and hardened. /&ost .hristian wives will not believe it is bitterness they harbor :: they thin# they merely hold feelin s of +hurt+.3

5he man who hopes to reconcile with a bitter, hardened wife must first reali;e that for her to return to him will re<uire that she for ive him. "s a believer she is bound by her duty to for ive all offenders and love her enemies, but an abandoned husband should not rely upon her sense of duty to =od. )he obviously no lon er sees her need to obey =od or she wouldn't have forsa#en her biblical duties as a wife, which is why she feels e<ually unmotivated to for ive him. Rather than concentrate on what his wife is doin wron , it is better that an abandoned husband thin# about what he must do facilitate the softenin of her heart and help her to for ive him.

How a hard heart is softened What are =od's means for softenin a woman's hardened heart! In )cripture, =od reaches hardened hearts in several different ways: > =od soverei nly touches her, or does so in response to our prayers > " .hristian's new nature, if the heart is not too far hardened, will respond to words of 5ruth, ie: spo#en by a friend, a seminar tape, a sermon, a radio preacher, a counselor, etc. /5hese words are not often received when spo#en by the offender.3 > 5he hardened wife sees the situation from another perspective, li#e ?in $avid when he was creatively confronted by @athan the Arophet. > Reali;in the impact her decision is havin , or may have, on her children or others > )he comes to a place of reat spiritual bro#enness and humility caused by an overwhelmin personal trauma or by the humiliatin e9posure of a sin > -verwhelmin love. =od loves her throu h people, ie: her husband, child, friend, parent, etc. > " time of mutual crisis, ie: compassion for her in%ured child may temporarily et her outside herself, and cause her to lower her defenses /or she may row harder, blamin her husband for the crisis3 > )he is sub%ected to church discipline, and the lac# of fellowship ma#es her see the seriousness of her actions. /@ot very effective today, because fellowship is easily found at liberal churches in their $ivorce Recovery roups.3 > )he sees somethin in her husband which ives her hope, so she lowers her defenses to try a ain. "fter openin herself up to her husband, he finds she will listen to him, and he can lead her bac# to =od.

How a man mi ht re ain his wife's trust 1. " man must first understand his wife's condition: )he views her husband as one to whom she entrusted her heart and who then was repeatedly rou h with it

)he has been hurt, so is now overwhelmed with a sense of desperation to emotionally or mentally survive )he is unfor ivin , bitter, and ven eful -ut of self:protection she has hardened her heart both toward her husband and =od -ut of self:preservation she has become willful and defiant Bntrustin of =od, uncarin what He wants )he has become unconcerned about her biblical duties as a wife

2. " wife who leaves her husband is hardened not %ust a ainst him, but also a ainst =od. " man must therefore pray, pray, prayC He must plead with the "lmi hty to intervene for the sa#e of his wife's soul. =od is a specialist in hardened hearts, and a hardened believer will not repent without =od's softenin intervention.

D. " man must stop feelin sorry for himself, li#e he is a victim of a heartless, witchy wife. He must see himself as perpetrator of hurt ( not a victim of re%ection. )elf pity will pollute a man's prayers, and create an 6odor7 which his wife smells every time he relates with her.

1. If a man see#s to reconcile he must be able to identify and repent of those thin s which he has contributed to the problems. He must therefore, pray, pray, prayC He will need =od to reveal to him those thin s he did which accidentally sent the messa e to his wife that she meant little to him.

4. -nce a man is confident he has identified his offenses, he should o repent to his wife, or better yet, write a letter of apolo y and repentance. " man's purpose will not simply be to win bac# his wife, but to repent and fulfill his role as a follower of Eesus, ma#in amends to one he has hurt.

2. 5he reatest cause for concern for any man whose wife hardens her heart, must not be that she has hurt him, is alienatin the children, or is destroyin the marria e. "n abandoned husband's reatest cause for concern is the condition of his wife's soul ( as )cripture warns, a hardened heart is a trait common to those who are perishin . /0ph 1:18F Heb D:1D, 14F $eut D1:2GF 1 )am 14:2DF "cts G:41F 28:2G3. " husband must loo# beyond his own frustration and be concerned that his wife is deceived and hardened toward =od. He must be concerned for her, because her steps are wal#in her away from intimate fellowship with =od. Her defiance towards the )criptures hints that she may wal# hardened toward =od for the rest of her life, the conse<uences she will reap, affectin her into eternity. " hardened woman merits her husband's compassion, not his arro ance.

5he Wron Ways to Reconcile 1. "polo i;e in a self:centered way. > $o not offer e9planations as to why you are so blind and why you hurt her. It will only sound to her li#e you are e9cusin what you have done. > @o matter how e9cited you are, do not share with her new:found revelations you may have discovered about yourself, related to why you do what you do. It will only sound li#e an e9cuse. > $on't try to ma#e her understand you. )he's not interested in why you did what you did. > $o not tell her of your present emotional condition > )he already believes you are self absorbed. $o not tal# about yourself and prove her ri ht. /8esides, puttin the focus bac# on yourself is really a si n that you are indeed self absorbed.3

2. 8e certain she is aware of her contribution to the problem > 8lame or discredit her in some fashion. > 5his will put her on the defensive, causin a ne ative reaction. > "polo i;e that you didn't respond that well to her offenses

D. .ommunicate to her that you have not chan ed > Repeat familiar unfulfilled promises to chan e > "s# for iveness a ain for the same old thin s will only remind her of unfulfilled e9pectations

1. 09press an er or annoyance when you spea# with her > Hes, she is hurtin you and the children, so yes, it is natural to be an ry, but she believes she is simply reactin to your offenses, so in her eyes, you are the last person <ualified to point out her sin > )he believes you owe her, so she will be even more offended when your an er su she owes you ests that

> )he will view your attitude as a further e9pression of the same thin that drove her away. > Hour an er will e9press a lac# of understandin concernin her and the pain you have caused

her /5he presence of an er reveals pride in you that has not been dealt with, and the fact that you have not accepted your part in the problem.3

4. Write a ood soundin letter without proper follow up. > If you write a beautiful letter of repentance, but have no chan e in your heart, your wife may at first et her hopes up and be in to soften, but when she spots your inconsistency she will become even more an ry and possibly harden her heart beyond your reach. > If you ma#e promises of chan e, you must be certain to follow throu h ( perfectlyC /If you write a ood letter, but lac# the love and humility of .hrist in your heart, you will e9press annoyance at her rather than concern. "nd she will feel it.3

5he Ri ht Way to Reconcile 1. Remember that you are tryin to reach someone with a hardened and mistrustin heart > Her condition was caused because she has felt unloved, un:cherished, not cared for, despised, ne lected, unimportant, and pushed aside for your self:love and self:interest. > Hour oal must be to contribute to the softenin of her heart, which will re<uire you to re ain her trust

2. $ie to pride and self concerns. > Hou have been proud and selfish now it's time to 6ta#e the beam from your own eye.7

D. Bnderstand her hurt condition. > )he doesn't want to be ri ht ( she wants you to understand the way she feels.

1. -wn your failures. > 5he thin s that you did to help cause her hurt condition.

4. .ommunicate to her that you empathi;e with her and do not blame her.

> .ome alon side and comfort her. ,oo# to one of her irlfriends as an e9ample of understandin , ie: " irlfriend would li#ely loo# at her, feel her pain, and e9press compassionate understandin for what she is probably feelin . > Ieed bac# to her how she is probably feelin > ,et her #now that you understand what it is li#e to wal# in her shoes as one who feels hurt, ie: +Honey, you must feel conned. 8efore we were married I communicated to you that I would cherish you for the rest of our lives. 8ut since the first wee#, I #now I sent you the messa e that you weren*t important to me. Whenever you wanted to do JJJJJJJJJJ to ether, I would never do it. Whenever you wanted to o with me to JJJJJJJJJJJ I wouldn*t o. 8y choosin my own comfort and convenience over yours I have left you feelin that you weren*t important to me, and I was an idiot to send you that messa e. Hou deserve more than that.+ > ,isten to her, don't %ust correct her

2. Have an insi htful counselor show you how you contributed to her pain. > 5he followin list will be helpful.

How can a man determine what he has done to hurt his wife! &any abandoned men are in this predicament, because they have always discredited their wives' 6complaints7 as emotionally based and therefore, unfounded. It is a wise man, however, who reco ni;es that whether or not his wife bases her feelin s on lo ic, she still truly holds those feelin s. 5o her they are valid. Ior e9ample, she may not have actual rounds to fear for the family's financial future, but if she is afraid, then it is important to understand that those feelin s of fear are real to her, and deserve compassion. Her feelin s may be unfounded and not based on facts, but she feels them none the less. It is a wise man who will learn to validate his wife's emotional condition. He can do so by communicatin his understandin of the enuineness of her feelin s of distress, fear, heartache, etc. It is a foolish man who tries to tal# a woman out of her feelin s ( worse, who belittles her for them. If an abandoned man is to repent to his wife of what he did to cause her hurt, he must do some intense soul searchin and investi ation. .onsider in )cripture, how Eesus responded to those who wept over the loss of ,a;arus /Eohn 11:DD:D43. "lthou h he #new he was oin to resurrect ,a;arus from the dead, he empathi;ed with their heartache. He didn't try to tal# them into a more chipper attitude, by presentin them with the fact of ,a;arus' forthcomin resurrection. He didn't remain per#y, althou h he #new he had a reat surprise in store for them. Kerse DD says that when Eesus saw them weepin , 6Lhe was deeply moved in spirit and troubled,7 and verse D4 says, 6Eesus wept.7 "lthou h their rief was unfounded, he didn't invalidate their pain, he felt it.

1. $etermine what she would li#ely say the offendin actions are, if as#ed by another. > )ince your wife is the one who too# offense at you, your ultimate oal is to see the situation

throu h her eyes. Hou may view her perspective and subse<uent accusations as roundless, but if you want to re ain her trust, you will need to communicate to her that you understand what she has one throu h.

2. Review her various accusations from over the years. > )he has probably told you many times why there is a problem. Aerhaps only a sentence, or it may have been reatly e9a erated, but the nu et is probably there to be drawn out.

D. Review your actions which seem to have caused her retreatin reactions. > )elfishness, an ry outbursts, periods of ne lect, unfulfilled promises, <uiet bitterness, or any other offensive actions need to be considered carefully.

1. "s# someone close to your wife what the thin s are that she has complained to them about. > $iscretion must be observed here. Hou are atherin information, be sure you don't end up tryin to win this person to your side. It's reconciliation you are see#in ( not victory in a conflict.

4. Have a counselor help you dissect your life, openin each closet of your soul. > -ne or two visits won't accomplish the tas#. Hou must drop your uard and be willin to receive reproof, instruction and encoura ement.

2. .ommit daily times to prayer and the Word, allowin Eesus to reveal your blind spots. > "n insi htful counselor will be able to help you discover your blind spots, but only Eesus can brin you into full acceptance of your true spiritual position and help you to accept responsibility for the course you must ta#e.

G. )et aside a time each wee# to increase your spiritual sensitivity throu h fastin and prayer.

JJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJ

5ypically a woman is hurt, because she made herself vulnerable by tryin to et from her husband that which she is supposed to et from =od. However, once in a victim mentality, she is in a spiritually wea# condition, so is not typically open to hearin that she is reapin what she has

sown.

Her real need: full submission to =od, but remember, her wea# faith is what brou ht her here in the first place. $o not e9pect to appeal to her faith in =od. Hou are inadvertently callin her bac# to a faith she hasn't had in <uite a while. Her real problem is that it has been a lon time since she has seen Eesus. Hearin her duty to obey =od will not li#ely affect her. Hearin for the umpteenth time the biblical duties of a wife will have no impact. )he does not trust =od to see her throu h a challen e. 5o trust Him ( she must see EesusC 5he only reason that she is in this desperate condition is that she lost si ht of him at some time in the past. 5he faith to do what is ri ht will only come if she sees Eesus li#e she did when she first met him. 5he absolute best way for a woman to repent of a hardened heart is for her to see EesusC

I stron ly recommend that a man listen to my D:part messa e 65he Bltimate Husband.7 It will ive deeper meanin to the basis of this article, and more thorou hly e<uip a man to do the %ob. Hou can read the description in our online catalo and order it by AayAal or from our toll free number 8MM:414:1G2N. " lon er version of this article is also available as a boo#let, entitled +Reconcilin with Hour Wife.+

Reb 8radley

A): If you want immediate help, I have posted for you a 1:hour audio presentation called +Bnravelin the &ysteries of the Iemale &ind.+ Hou can listen to it online of download it as an mpD file. 5o find it .,I.? H0R0 and then select the lin#: Bnravelin the &ysteries of the Iemale &ind.