Why? Not. March 12th. It is my youngest sons birthday.

Perhaps, that is why I know the exact day Elizabeth Smart returned home. Although I had numerous birthday preparations needing my attention, I found myself unable to leave the unfolding drama on my TV. As the details of her nine months of captivity emerged, I wondered how this young girl would ever reclaim her life. Her innocence shattered at 14. Two hundred and eighty-one days of repeated rape and torture. I doubted in her ability to achieve any sense of normalcy. Yet, ten years later, she genuinely seems happy. It was a purposeful decision to do so. As she detailed her story in a recent interview with Meredith Vieira, she did so with complete openness, improbable grace, and determined composure until the why questions. Why when it seemed you had the opportunity to do so, why didn't you escape? Why when asked by a police officer didnt you acknowledge who you were? Why didnt you yell? I guess I knew it was coming, after all, the why was asked of Jacee Dugard, but I wished it was not necessary. I had hoped our society had moved past victimizing the innocent all over again with their judgmental why. Why is asked when we do not understand. Why is supposed to bring clarity. Why examines the reason or a purpose behind ones actions. We hope why brings an explanation. Maybe we think that the why will even make sense of the unthinkable. Why would he do that? Why would he cause me so much pain? Why is there evil in the world? But, why can also be incredibly intrusive. Why is the response given when we are surprised by anothers behavior. Why undoubtedly will place blame on the innocent. Why somehow implies the victim should accept some sort of responsibility for the behavior of the

perpetrator. Why didn't she escape? Why didn't the abused tell sooner? Why didnt you scream? Why didnt you say no? Why? Its a question that swirls in the mind of the abused searching and reaching for any justifiable answer. Why creeps in virtually uninvited. Why repeatedly summons more whys until it feels like the only question is why. Why would Grandpa touch me that way? Why doesnt he protect me? Why doesnt he love me? Why cant I tell? Why is he capable of this heinous act? Why, why, why? Most adults have a difficult time comprehending such deplorable behavior, but somehow we expect a five year-old to have the skills to divulge the awful secret to their mother. Why? Why didnt I tell? Why didnt I scream? Why didnt I run? Why didnt I say no? It is a confusing question with an even more perplexing answer that often the abused have a difficult time articulating. Yet, most often when you listen simply listen to their story, the answer will always emerge. I didnt know how. I was confused. He said he would hurt my family.

Figure 1:Grace Brown photographs survivors of sexual assault holding posters quoting their attackers for Project Unbreakable.

I was scared. I felt dirty. Oh, so incredibly dirty. He said he loved me. There was no one to tell. I thought I would be taken away from my family. I did not think that anyone would believe me. My mom had already left our family. I just could not cause my family more pain. I just did not think anyone would love me if they knew. I believed him when he said I was worthless. He removed any ounce of will I had. I believed I deserved it. I did not know any different. I believed my life was insignificant. Perhaps we expect the answer to be more profound. Yes, we are asking adults expecting adult answers but really it is the 8 year-old victim who provides the why didnt I tell? answer. We somehow expect a child whose greatest concern should be what to be for Halloween to understand the complexities of the decision to tell the unexplainable things of what her brother just did to her. And because she cannot, she remains silent. And she is not alone. It is estimated that 85 percent of sexual abuse victims delay telling or never tell at all. 1

"When a Child Tells About Sexual Abuse," Stop It Now, accessed November 11, 2013, http://www.stopitnow.org/when_a_child_tells

It seems we expect too much of our children. We demand obedience and respect for adults in schools, home, and church, and yet, when an adult does not live up to that responsibility, we believe the child should be mature enough to understand why and tell. Yet, when asked, children are very good at keeping secrets. One study found that 82% of children delayed or did not report an event that they had witnessed, because the thief in the scenario asked them not to tell anyone. The thief in this scenario was a stranger, to whom the children had no loyalty, and so it is likely that children would be even more likely to protect a known and loved adult.2 Why doesnt she tell? Quite simply, it is in her nature no to do so. And sadly, it is these sweet, trusting qualities that are being exploited in our children. Why? Why are 1 in 5 girls and 1 in 20 boys a victim of child sex abuse? 3 Why is their life forever altered whether they tell after the first time or the twentieth? Why does what I was wearing, or if I said no or yelled for help have a bearing on his guilt? Why are 52 percent of those who reported mistreatment to a parent still being abused a year after the disclosure? 4 Why were there numerous accusations over a 14 year period by various individuals against Jerry Sandusky before his reign of horror against underprivileged youth was finally stopped? 5

Roxine, "Tree Climbers: I was 5 when the grooming began," Daily Kos, Feb 15, 2012, accessed November 11, 2013. http://www.dailykos.com/story/2012/02/15/1065031/-Tree-Climbers-I-was-5-when-the-grooming-began 3 "Child Sex Abuse Statistics," The National Center for Victims of Crime, accessed November 11, 2013, http://www.victimsofcrime.org/media/reporting-on-child-sexual-abuse/child-sexual-abuse-statistics 4 David Allen, "Why Don't Child Sex Abuse Victims Tell," Psychology Today, Oct 22, 2012. Accessed November 11, 2013, http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/matter-personality/201210/why-dont-child-sex-abuse-victims-tell

Why? It is not always an easy question to answer. Why didnt she escape? Why didnt she yell? Why didnt she acknowledge she was Elizabeth Smart when the police officer asked? The decision was made by a shattered, broken, and beaten-down 14 year-old girl whose life experiences never prepared her for the manipulation, torture, and threats of a crazed lunatic. When she was finally unchained from that tree that had held her captive and completely broke her spirit, why didnt she run? Why she was just not capable. Why can be depressing. Why questions every choice. Why creates doubt. Why does not offer a resolution. Why can even leave one hopeless. Instead of allowing the why to dominate our minds and conversations, I propose how. How can we protect? How can we stop the abuse? How did you survive? How are you doing? How are you able to find peace? How can we learn from this? How could the police officer have helped you confirm your true identity? How is without doubt a more productive question. How invites an exploration of which way is best. How creates a dialogue of analyzing by what means a desired outcome is achieved. How offers a genuine interest in anothers well-being. How offers a solution. How invites hope. How did you take this horrible situation thrown at you at the tender age of fourteen and not let it defeat you? Elizabeth Smart said the best piece advice she has been given was shared by her mother. She counseled Elizabeth, what this man has done to you is terrible, and there arent words to describe how wicked and evil he isbut the best punishment you could ever give him is to be happy. Move forward and follow your dreams and do exactly what you want to

Nicole Matthews-Creech and Robin OGrady, "Why victims dont tell: Sandusky case sheds light on complexities of sexual abuse," The Living Post, June 26, 2012, accessed November 2, 2013, http://thelivingstonpost.com/whyvictims-dont-tell-sandusky-case-sheds-light-on-complexities-of-sexual-abuse/

doIf you relive it, youre only allowing him to steal more of your life away from you. Elizabeth says those are the words she strives to live by every single day. 6 Some might interpret her words as if she is suggesting that she simply puts on a happy face and pretends that these bad things never happened. She acknowledges that she feels sadness and pain, but she has found a way to be grateful for the things her experiences have allowed her to do. We always have a choice to move forward, to make a difference, Smart said. I like to think that were not defined by what happens to usbecause so many times theyre beyond our control. I like to think that were defined by our choices and our decisions. 7 How? In response to her anguish, she has chosen to be an advocate for children and not a victim of abuse. How can one find the ability to move past such a horrific experience and find peace in life? Smart is determined to move forward by giving. Whenever we would go somewhere, my parents would always say that we needed to leave it better than how we found it. Thats what Id like to do with my lifeto feel like Im making a difference and making a little part of the world better because I was here. 8 How? She is firm in her belief that kindness overcomes suffering. How do we make sense of the senseless? Many abuse survivors recognize that although the pain may never fully go away, they can choose to manage it and fuel it toward worthwhile purposes. One survivor undertook the responsibility of tutoring some neglected children in her

Erica Ritz, "Kidnapping Victim Elizabeth Smart Shares the Best Advice She's Ever Received," The Blaze, July 05, 2013, accessed November 11, 2013, http://www.theblaze.com/stories/2013/07/05/kidnapping-victim-elizabethsmart-shares-the-best-advice-shes-ever-received-with-theblaze/ 7 Ritz, Kidnapping Victim Elizabeth Smart Shares. 8 Jamie Lawson, "Interview with Elizabeth Smart," LDS Living, Sept 20, 2011, accessed November 11, 2013. http://www.ldsliving.com/story/65840-interview-with-elizabeth-smart

neighborhood. She willingly opened her home to these children and gave them a safe place to learn and offered them the hope of success through education. Another survivor volunteers at her local elementary school several times a week. She takes the time to learn students names and shows a genuine interest in their well-being. She desires to empower children with abilities she did not have. 9 How? We prevent, we care, and we simply choose to make a difference one child at a time. How did I learn to stop cutting and collapsing, and can I somehow transmit this ability to others? That is the question psychologist and author Lauren Slater asks herself after growing up in an abusive home and spending a considerable amount of time as a patient in a psychiatric hospital. She believes her strength has something to do with memory. She wrote, I believe Dostoevsky when he wrote, If man has one good memory to go by, that may be enough to save him. Although she can recall with clarity the terror of her abuse, she also remembers sweet childhood memories and writes the recollections of which have infected me with a firm and unshakable faith. 10 How? She found confidence to overcome the hurt by grasping hold of and allowing the positive, happy moments of ones life precedence over the dark, bitter pain of abuse. How is it possible to survive the unthinkable? One thought, one person, one memory can bring hope when all that seems visible is despair. Michelle Knight, who is one of three women recently rescued from a Cleveland home after ten years of torture, captivity, and abuse, credits her son for keeping her alive during those hellish days. She recalled his face and his

Personal Interviews Lauren Slater, Three Spheres, in In In Fact: The Best of Creative Nonfiction, ed. by Lee Gutkind (New York: W.W.Norton & Company, 2005), 17.
10

voice telling her not to give up. She said, "I wanted him to know that I survived loving him. His love got me through." Knight hopes that her son will see her as a victor and not a victim. 11 How? She chose to survive for the ones she loved. How can we change? This survivor vividly remembers an early morning call from a panicked friend. My name had come to her mind as she had prayed for help. With faith, she dialed the phone hoping to make sense of the why. Her fearful explanation of her suspicions made my heart sink. She knew she was not to go into that house. I dont know why she did. Yes, she went against your rules, but what happened to her should not be punishment for her disobedience. If you make it about that, she will feel as if it is her fault. Do not make her accept any guilt for his actions. She realized her initial reaction to ask the why of her daughter was contrary to the healing she hoped would take place. We discussed the how. How to heal. How to hope. How to comfort. How to find peace. And how to survive. How grateful I am that in my little corner of the world, one sweet, little, defenseless child was spared the intrusion of why.

Bibliography Allen, David. "Why Don't Child Sex Abuse Victims Tell." Psychology Today, Oct 22, 2012. Accessed November 11, 2013. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/matterpersonality/201210/why-dont-child-sex-abuse-victims-tell Lawson, Jamie. "Interview with Elizabeth Smart." LDS Living, Sept 20, 2011. Accessed November 11, 2013. http://www.ldsliving.com/story/65840-interview-with-elizabeth-smart Matthews-Creech, Nicole, and Robin OGrady, "Why victims dont tell: Sandusky case sheds light on complexities of sexual abuse." The Living Post, June 26, 2012. Accessed November 2, 2013. http://thelivingstonpost.com/why-victims-dont-tell-sandusky-case-sheds-light-oncomplexities-of-sexual-abuse/ The National Center for Victims of Crime, "Child Sex Abuse Statistics." Accessed November 11, 2013. http://www.victimsofcrime.org/media/reporting-on-child-sexual-abuse/child-sexual-abusestatistics Pearson, Michael, and Catherine Shoichet. "Michelle Knight: Captor Castro used puppies to lure me." CNN Justice, Nov 06, 2013. Accessed November 11, 2013. http://www.cnn.com/2013/11/05/justice/michelle-knight-dr-phil/ Ritz, Erica. "Kidnapping Victim Elizabeth Smart Shares the Best Advice She's Ever Received." The Blaze, July 05, 2013. Accessed November 11, 2013. http://www.theblaze.com/stories/2013/07/05/kidnapping-victim-elizabeth-smart-shares-thebest-advice-shes-ever-received-with-theblaze/ Roxine. "Tree Climbers: I was 5 when the grooming began." Daily Kos, Last modified Feb 15, 2012. Accessed November 11, 2013. http://www.dailykos.com/story/2012/02/15/1065031/-TreeClimbers-I-was-5-when-the-grooming-began

Slater, Lauren. Three Spheres. In In Fact: The Best of Creative Nonfiction, edited by Lee Gutkind, 3-23. New York: W.W.Norton & Company, 2005. Stop It Now. "When a Child Tells About Sexual Abuse." Accessed November 11, 2013. http://www.stopitnow.org/when_a_child_tells