Crutchs Shutdown Special

Bait and Switch
a few days later... oh... EDDIE. \ didnt expect to see YOU workin the COUNTER. oh, theyre both HERE. theyre in the BACKROOM tossin DICE.
by jolly r. blackburn
shoot! you mean hes not HERE? \ came in to PAY DOWN my TAB. wheres BOB...? isnt he WORKING today?
theyre GAMING..?
hey B.A.! \m just FILLIN in for PETE for a bit.
of course. in CRUTCHS GAME!!
c-crutchs game...? oh dear
relax, b.a. - youre SAFE. CRUTCH has a FULL TABLE.
along with a BUNCH of the OTHERS.
um, is THAT today...?
as for pete -- well, patty TWISTED his arm at HAWGs last week. pete had one too many, BREWSTER SNORTERS -snicker- she talked him into puttin his NAME down on the SIGN UP list.
as in NOW...?!! oh, \ see. how the HECK did PETE get SUCKED into... er.. \ mean, PETE said no way, now how hed play. crutch had to CULL the list - \ VOLUNTEERED to give up my seat. but um, arent YOU playing? \ seem to recall you SIGNED UP as well.
believe it or not - pattys RECRUITING CAMPAIGN actually worked.
WHOAH... that doesnt SOUND like HACKMASTER...
CRUTCH is runnin
CRIME NATION
RA-TAAT-TAAT!! droppin a MAGAZINE and SLAPPIN in a NEW ONE here!! \ expect it WOULDNT. huh...? thats because its NOT. afraid \ dont understand.
BRRRRPPP BRRRRPPP
GAAA!!
KA-BLAAM
\ POP A CAP in his ASS!!
KA-BLAAM
TRISH!! behind you! MOOK with a MACHETE!!
-sputter- COMES OVER? HERE?!! OH NO, NO, NO, NO NO!! doesnt work that way. we NEVER had this CONVERSATION. when you call it youll get an ANSWERING machine. not outgoing message, just a BEEP. thats your CUE. you say JUMPIN JACK FLASH and HANG UP. got it? Pete Ashton, KODT Issue #108, Unsolicited Advice
well yeah. he CHANGED OVER.
CRIME NATION...?
the HEROES AND ZEROES add on?
no, no -- its just STRAIGHT UP,
CRIME NATION THE RPG.

OLD SCHOOL -- FIRST EDITION.
at MY suggestion to be honest. \ was the ONLY player to show up to his FIRST session a few weeks ago.
whats goin on -- some sort of BAIT AND SWITCH by PETE...?
\ LOANED crutch all my old BOOKS and SUPPLEMENTS.
WHAT? hes runnin CN-1E..?!! seriously?
as CRUTCHs mentor \ felt he, um --
to PUSH unsold PRODUCT...?!!
still needed a little time to bring his A game.
ah, that BAD huh...? tssk, tssk... \ was AFRAID of that.
well -- lets just say \ felt our little DEBUTANTE wasnt quite READY for the ball. he lacks a certain level of CONFIDENCE as GM. well thats understandable -hes a GM in training after all. isnt that the WHOLE point of these SESSIONS? so he can learn? well of COURSE.
problem is FANTASY really isnt his FORTE. he seems to have TROUBLE wrapping his head around the GENRE in fact.
as a PLAYER, hes pretty much stuck to ONE CLASS all these years - CLERICS.
sure, \ HAMMERED rule knowledge and recall into his head so he could PASS the EXAMS. and \ TRIED to give him practical experience in SHAM-SESSIONS.
he does WELL ENOUGH, \ suppose -- as long as things go by the SCRIPT. but you know as WELL as, \, b.a. -- in HACKMASTER...? players will EAT YOU ALIVE if youre not ROCK STEADY and able to react QUICKLY on your feet and make CALLS accordingly. again, he LACKS confidence. something unexpected comes up...?
he SPITS, SPUTTERS and FREEZES. like a DEER in the HEADLIGHTS. he second guesses himself starts thumbing through the books.
okay - \ get that. but why CRIME NATION...? simple really. RUN WHAT YOU KNOW. excuse me...? well aint that what they tell WRITERS...?
write what you know...? it HIT me that THAT might be the ANSWER for CRUTCH.
fraid, \m not FOLLOWIN ya, EDDIE.
* See KODT 187 - The Tutor: Eddie helps Crutch to study for his GMs exam.
\m saying weve been walking around town with the STINK of DISHONOR wafting through our ranks -- and ALL because we BLINDLY accepted CHARITY.
Brian Van Hoose KODT Issue #107, The Gift Horse
Knights of the Dinner Table - Crutchs Shutdown Special
CRIME NATION is a game about a WORLD run by CRIMINALS! THUG SOCIETIES. CARTEL CITY STATES. with thier MOB POLICE and uniformed ENFORCER militia. HIT SQUADS.
yes -- but it also has a very SIMPLE and ROBUST engine under the hood. the RULES are fairly straightforward.
\ tried running CRIME NATION once - back in the day. \ felt like a FISH OUT OF WATER. the RULES may be simple... but \ just couldnt ever seem to get a CAMPAIGN with LEGS off the BIRTHING TABLE.
and it also relies HEAVILY on a GM NARRATIVE using a COMMON SENSE approach to ARBITRATION.
thats just it.
petty gangs drug lords ALL vying for a piece of the action.
a LOT of GMS found it difficult to fully CLIMB into that CAB. as a LESSER known/played game, theres also less FANATICISM and the sort of RULES LAWYERING you see with more popular games such as HACKMASTER -- so theres THAT. as for CRUTCH... aaah, so THATs your angle. hes a CREATURE of the STREET who well -- knows a bit more about the SHADOWY SIDES of life than most gamers. lets just say as a FISH hes got more water to SWIM about in than most GMS. you figure hell have a LEG UP.
CRIME NATION encourages the GM to WING IT where the rules are SILENT.
and crutch LOOKS the part. if he makes a BAD CALL whos going to QUESTION him?
not me -thats for sure.
\m hopin comin out the gate with CRIME NATION will give im that CONFIDENCE BOOST he needs. then \ can PULL him back to HACKMASTER again.
PICK IT UP, I SAID

you dont DRAW a KNIFE on a man and then say, NEVER NO MIND.
t-thats okay. really - MY BAD. \ DIDNT realize the guy was PACKIN...
dont let these MOOKS take me ALIVE, dude!!
SHOOT ME SHOOT ME NOW
so hows it GOING in there?
ummm... \ have a few CONCERNS.
well...
GAA
\m JUMPIN out the WINDOW and ATTEMPTING to BEAT OUT THE FLAMES!! oh gawd - \m GUT SHOT. game over man...
my, my isnt this INTERESTING? here you are in the BOWELS of the DUNGEON OF NINETY-NINE DEATHS; and HOW do you CHOOSE to spend your TIME? standing around YAKKING about pit-engineering and the physical traits of FEMALE dwarves.
Newman, KODT Issue #109, Celebrity Hack
Blood and Scraps

MEANWHILE IN THE BACK ROOM...
by jolly r. blackburn and barbara blackburn
GAAAA
its a STICK. \ cant get it out of SECOND GEAR!!
uht, uht, uht... no HELP from the STANDS, folks. bobs gone SOLO - he DOES this alone.
oh no -- dont look to DAVE! hes not there to HELP Ya. you BOOSTED the LEXUS and decided to TOOL AROUND in it with DIRTY TAGS!
NOW YOU OWN UP TO IT
git off the MAIN DRAG, dude. hit those BACK STREETS!! and KEEP tryin to CALL me back! dammit, bob! \ TOLD you to SWAP OUT those PLATES!!
not gonna WARN ya, AGAIN!
bob -- the CARTEL CRUISER rolls RIGHT UP on yer HIND SIDE!! now yer only pullin ONE BAR on yer CELLPHONE out at the CEMENT PLANT, dave -yer CALL DROPS. its sportin a REINFORCED RAMMIN-PROD on its front bumper and is loaded down with FAT MEN and ASSAULT RIFLES!! yer PUNCHIN it but he has NO PROBLEM givin you a little LOVE-TAP on your BACK BUMPER jess as yer crossin the FETZ-KIRBY BRIDGE. mark off FOUR CHASIS POINTS from the LEXUS and make a DRIVER CHECK at -20% to see if you maintain control.
-s h -s oo ho ka ok a
crap! \ knew this PRE-PAID no-contract phone was TOO good a deal...
shoot! \ MISSED it by FIVE points!
ut oh... and you were going HOW FAST...?
nice going, bob - we send you to SCOPE OUT the CLANDESTINES and LAY LOW and you STEAL of their LYNCHPINs RIDE?
it was a frickin LEXUS. you heard the man. FULLY LOADED. with PRIVACY GLASS and FRONT HEATED SEATS!!
oh, \ dunno -- LEAVE IT..?!! and DO the job we SENT you to do..? CASE THIER BASE OF OPERATIONS. you MIND...? dude, does it have a rear MP3 PLAYER? \m a LITTLE BUSY at the MOMENT.
he LEFT the KEYS in the ignition. alright?
what was \ GONNA do...?
b.a., \ ACT like \ ACCEPT his APOLOGY all SINCERE like. as soon as he TURNS to walk away \ STAB him in the back!! oh, yeah. \ PRAY to my gawd before \ stab him. do \ get any BONUSES?
Bob Herzog KODT Issue #82, One-Two Punches
alright, hoss - you go SHOOTIN out cross the OPPOSIN LANE only to CLIP a GARBAGE TRUCK -then BOUNCE back two lanes and PUNCH THROUGH the GUARD RAILIN
GAAAAA
\m goin in the RIVER?!! crap - \ didnt put any POINTS into SWIMMIN.
hold on -- lucky for you the car HANGS on the rail and doesnt go off.. it jess sorta BOTTOMS OUT as the FRONT WHEELS hang over the edge and the TRANNY hits HARD against the PAVEMENT. the doors -- they get all PINCHED UP between them BUSTED SUPPORTS by the way - good luck trying to OPEN EM. ut oh, SCRAPS is in TROUBLE. \ DROP the MAGAZINE from my BRUNI and slap in a NEW ONE!
a BRUNI? little LIGHT isnt it? holy crap!
them AIR BAGS on the steering wheel, dash and SIDE PANELS go OFF!!
yer drivin BLIND as you HEAD over the SIDE!
were gonna have to GO in.
well THIS operation sure went SOUTH in a hurry. crutch, \ve been HANGIN back in the VAN with the GIRLS -- do \ SEE bob get RUN off the road? if \ do, \m GUNNIN it and comin in HOT!! ifn theres another FIRE FIGHT \ aint MISSIN this ONE!
sure -- \ pose you SEE a buncha SPARKS and a few STREET LIGHTS up ahead SWAYINwhen he HITS that rail. just SIT TIGHT. gonna TAKE you a FEW rounds to arrive.
a wee bit later... patty yer HIP is SHATTERED by the SHOT GUN blast -you TRY to crawl under the VAN and FIND some cover but the THUG with the CREW CUT and BON JOVI tattoo is WALKIN toward where you LIE. he EJECTS two empty 12 gauge shells and you can hear the PLUMP, PLUMP of two new ones being DROPPED in the barrels as he DRAGS on the cigar clenched in his teeth. \ TOSS my jammed piece and pull out my STILETTO. takin AIM here!
\m standin on the OVER TURNED van to get some HEIGHT to see over those OTHER cars... \ should be able to get a REAL GOOD BEAD on this guy -- even though \m QUICK AIMIN \ should have an OVERALL to-hit modifier of +1 still. \ dumped a BUTTLOAD of points into SNIPER FIRE and MEDITATION. \ can actually STOP my heart from BEATING for TWO SECONDS to get BETTER AIM when USING a SCOPE.
\ dunno about THAT hoss... yer BLEEDIN from a HEAD WOUND from the IMPACT into the BACK of that 18 wheeler.
and \ dont RECALL anything in these here BOOKS about MEDITATION and HEART BEATS or any of THAT nonsense?
not to MENTION theres SMOKE drifting in from the BURNIN LEXUS..
you got a PAGE NUMBER?
yeah, well, they tried to cash in on that ONE-LEGGED DWARF craze last summer. \ think they took some MAJOR hit points with that ONE-LEGGED HOBBIT release.
Pete Ashton, Bundle of Trouble #101, Takin Care of Business
NONSENSE...? hey -- now LOOK here. \ PUMPED six building points into GETTIN that. but it wouldnt be in your BOOKS. \ PULLED the rule from a copy of HACKJOURNAL AUSTRALIA - issue 32. NORMAN BOWZER, the designer of CRIME NATION gave it his BLESSIN
not WITH ME. but \m tellin ya as ONE GM to ANOTHER. its OFFICIAL!! you can BANK on it. gonna be a -4 on that shot. sorry, pete. if it aint in my HAND -- it aint a RULE. not at MY table.
patty TAUGHT me that.
show me the RULE. or were MOVIN on.
say what..? \ dont have the ISSUE.
a wee bit later still SHEILA, you take a SHOT to the SHOULDER -- it SPINS you AROUND real good and RUINS your shot -- it goes off WILD into the FLOOR. but yer KEVLAR did its job no WOUND.
after LOBBING flamin BOTTLES of DOMINICAN HOOCH into those SHIPPING CONTAINERS and givin the ALL CLEAR sign - the GUARDS sent down to FERRET you out on the DOCKS split up and start MOVING up and down between the REST of them CONTAINERS. they POKE about a bit and are JESS drawin CLOSE to your HIDIN SPOT when you hear one of their HEAD SETS start to CRACKLE and HISS with ORDERS. whew -- that was close. CRUTCH, \m moving to a BETTER position - CAREFULLY. \ll throw TRISH over my shoulder and CARRY her with me. thanks, sara. \ll SLING my AK-47 and COVER our backs with my GLOCK.
applying ADRENALINE here!
and JESS that quick them BOYS pull back and HEAD BACK to the FREIGHTER.
bob - a LITTLE HELP would be nice. \ THOUGHT you HAD MY BACK.
MOMENTS LATER... dave, the guy on you SHOVES his knife up in yer RIB CAGE. he TWISTS the blade and SHOVES the palm of his OTHER hand up against your JAW and PUSHES -- as if hes tryin to DRIVE it right up into your SKULL. patty, one of them GUARD DOGS has picked up the SCENT of your BLOOD TRAIL and finds you HIDING among the PACKING CRATES. GAAA!! GEEZ... oh dear - and \m \ HEAD BUTT him out of SHELLS. and KNEE his groin!
that FORK LIFT DRIVER jacked me in the FACE. he needed to be DEALT with. look - if youre NOT gonna have my BACK - just SAY so. alright?
\ rolled a THREE on CLEARIN this JAM, crutch!
you LOCKED HIM in the LINEN CLOSET?? dude, that wont do. we need him!! whos gonna run the game??
Bob Herzog, Bundle of Trouble #9, Holodeck Not Needed
not so fast, pete. you attempt to make it through the FIRE door but ol BOILER GUT grabs you by the scruff of the neck and HEAVES you back a good 15 feet. that sends you SMASHING into a PILE of MACHINE PARTS.
sara, the fella on YOU, spits out a few broken teeth and blood from the WHACKIN you gave im with that pair of BOLT CUTTERS -- he comes RIGHT back at ya. hes pulled off his MOTORCYCLE CHAIN BELT and has it wrapped around one HAMBONE FIST. patty, the dog chomps down on a blood vessel. take off 5 points EVERY round. \ take ONE last desperate swipe with my knife.
hang in there PATTY. \ swing the BOLT CUTTERS again, this time for his EYES! gonna try to get to ya!
mark off ELEVEN points of damage, hoss.
-s h -s oo ho ka ok a
FINALLY... well... whats it going to BE bob? you gonna MAKE your ATTACK roll? you got a CLEAR shot on this guy as hes KICKIN in the BAY DOORS.
dont ask, ME. ask, HER!! shes RUNNIN my CHARACTER apparently.
oh, bob - STOP!! TAKE THE SHOT. \ was JUST pointing out that firing SIDE-WAYS all GANGSTA style might look GREAT in the movies but makes for piss-poor ACCURACY. fine -whatever.
and will you PLEASE SIT UP -- dont SLOUCH. at least ACT like youre taking an INTEREST. okay folks.. lets take FIVE. leemee alone. my CHARACTER needs some ALONE time. oh great -- THIS is what \ LOVE. \ need a SMOKE.
HE needs a SMOKE...?
\ need a GOOD THERAPIST.
or a RIDE to the TRAUMA CENTER.
COUPLES workin out thier ISSUES at the TABLE. so NICE for EVERYBODY.
The Cold Shoulder

meanwhile... oh gawd... its KILLIN ME!! \ cant STAND it. THATS FIVE MINUTES, PEOPLE!! IFIN yer LATE..? |M LOCKIN THE DOOR! a few moments later.
theres PATTY and TRISH -go ahead ASK them how its GOING.
okay. leave it to me.
yeah, you and me BOTH -ooo... looks like theyre takin a BREAK!! yeah. HEY, GIRLS!!
\m DYIN to know whats HAPPENIN in there.
huh...?
oh...
say -- looks like your little RECRUITING EFFORT really did the TRICK, patty. CONGRATS! FULL TABLE huh...? so, HOWS it GOING in there...? its GOING.
yeah...? how bout some DETAILS...?
\d LOVE to chat, b.a. really -- but \ have to go FEED the meter.
its YOU...
\ hear yer playin CRIME...
\, um, \ wouldnt want em to TOW AWAY my GYPSY WAGON.
whoah... is it my IMAGINATION...
when were JELLO WRESTLING... and EXCHANGING stories from our DAYS in womens penitentiary.
or did PATTY just EXTEND me the COLD SHOULDER...?
was it something \ SAID?
\ wouldnt have a CLUE, sweetheart. but you KNOW what?
j-jello wrestling...?
hroop?
what the...
\ll ask her LATER.
\ didnt do ANYTHING to her. well, um, \ guess \ DID have her THRASHED with a BUGGY WHIP oh, and \ BURNED down her new GUNSHOP. her and B.A. got all BENT out of shape about it. like they took it PERSONAL or something.
Bob Herzog, KODT Issue #108, Home Court Advantage
Lone Wolf on a Leash

meanwhile in the BREAK ROOM... DAMMIT, BOB! just WHAT in the HELL do you THINK you were doing in THERE...?!! huh...? whadda ya mean...? you didnt STICK to the frickin PLAN! you know -- MAINTAINING silence and staying POSITIONED in the EMPTY SHIPPING CONTAINERS. until \ gave the SIGNAL...? oh, that.

the PLAN was to HOLD our fire til the CLANDESTINES had started LOADING the HOOCH - REMEMBER...?!! so we could take THEM out as WELL as thier SUPPLIER!
yeah...
THAT
you BLEW everything.
no sooner did the TRUCK roll into the DOCK then you decide to go all JACK SPARROW on us and go in SOLO with GUNS ABLAZING! \ saw an ATTACK of OPPORTUNITY. \ SEIZED it.
no -- what you DID was blow TWO HOURS of CAREFUL PLANNING and BY-THE-COUNT execution!! just to POINT WHORE a few E-PEES for yourself and GLORY HOUND point whore? for the TEAM \ TOOK one for the TEAM! shya-right.
you TIPPED the GANG off to the AMBUSH before they were even CLOSE to the KILL ZONE!! then when you were REPELLED you LEAD them back to OUR position bringing us UNDER FIRE. TOTAL WASH!! that CARTEL-PACIFICA FREIGHTER broke its MOORINGS and slipped away still FULLY LOADED.
hey, it wasnt a TOTAL WASH -- \ took out that FORKLIFT operator.
heh, that was frickin COOL, dude.
to the tune of TWELVE DAMAGE!
hes right he did.
ah, cmon, shee. \ was just PLAYIN my CHARACTER for CRYIN OUT LOUD. why you on my case? SCRAPS LOMBARDI is a LONE WOLF OPERATIVE!
and ANOTHER thing, SCRAPS what HAPPENED to the FIFTY CREDITS \ LOANED you to buy BODY ARMOR?
you WOULDNT have taken all that WALKING-DAMAGE from ASSAULT RIFLE FIRE is youd been WEARING matching KEVLAR TRENCH COATS like the REST of US instead of a WIFE-BEATER TEE and JEANS. \ DUMPED that money into HAIR PRODUCT and BLING -- to BUMP up my PRESENCE factor.
hes used to acting ALONE outside any formal COMMAND STRUCTURE.
just STICK to the PLAN. ALRIGHT?
WHAT?
not to mention hes HEADSTRONG and IMPULSIVE!
and NO MORE joyrides.
yeah, BINK was a bit of a WUSS. remember that time \ he got killed trying to milk a GOAT? -snicker-
Brian Van Hoose, Bundle of Trouble #25, A Frolicking Good Time
HELLO! my class..? \ cant wear a GANG UNIFORM or COLORS -- \m LONE WOLF!! not to MENTION wearin BODY ARMOR is a DING to RESPECT.
hes got a POINT there. -5 to be exact.
look -- \m WORKIN toward becoming a MADE MAN
just INVEST in a TRENCH COAT -- alright? they ALSO retain BODY HEAT -- you KNOW you have a LOW CON. sizzlin HORSE FAT...
and MADE MEN dont do ARMOR! shut up, DAVE. its a MARK of WEAKNESS and a SIGN of FEAR.
youre gonna CATCH a BAD COLD!
how bout givin the poor guy some SLACK on that leash, GURLY? let the man BREATHE a little for KRYSSAKES!! EXCUSE ME...? DAMMIT, SHEE...
hrrmpphph -\ gotta HIT the can myself and GRAB a soda. were not DONE with THIS conversation, bob.
\ jess cant HOLD my tongue any longer. let the MAN run his CHARACTER!!
\m um...
\ gotta go see a MAN about a HORSE. we gotta be BACK in FIVE.
BOB...
yep -EYEBEAMS OF EMASCULATION.
WHAT...
\ didnt SAY anything...
they pretty much NAILED it.
well...? you got SOMETHING to say about it...?
\ didnt THINK so.
anyway, othellos a FIFTH LEVEL CLERIC now. other than the USUAL good quirks to be found in any HENCHMAN, namely LOW SELF-ESTEEM and GULLIBLE, he is also a GLUTTON. dont tease him about his weight, though, because hes REALLY SENSITIVE about it.
Stevil Van Hostile, KODT Issue #82, Alas Poor Raven
10
say, b.a.... oh.. no. hey, ya GUYS!! oh, bob... dave... hows it GOING...? for the VENDING MACHINES? you got TWO BUCKS \ can BORROW? sorry. yeah!! me too. we dont have TIME to hit an ATM. \m all TAPPED OUT. \ JUST paid off my COUNTER TAB.
its frickin BRUTAL!! but HEY... hows the GAME going in there...? \ BURNED THROUGH three characters. in the FIRST hour!! yeah, \m on my SECOND GUY myself. \ got HEAD SHOT for askin the WRONG QUESTIONS.
one of my guys got BEAT with a LOG CHAIN and SET ON FIRE after being CAUGHT by the AVENUES and TORTURED to GIVE up my HOMIES. \ had to OFF myself by jumpin out a WINDOW!
what ELSE could you have done?
GEEZUS... THAT BAD, huh? well, \m SORRY GUYS. he IS just starting out.
three characters?
BAD.. what are ya

TALKIN ABOUT...?!!
moments later... crutch dont WAIT for NO ONE...
ITS AWESOME
speakin of which, we gotta GO!! he LOCKS the DOOR!! wait, guys how about a few more de.... sorry, b.a. NO TIME... catch you LATER. wait... did they say, AWESOME...?
did \ just fall down a RABBIT HOLE...?
CRUTCH is a KICK ASS, GM!!
\ eat PAIN for BREAKFAST!! Newt Forager KODT Issue #82, Alas Poor Raven
11
The Beat Goes On...

LATER... the FAT MAN is on you like STINK on a monkey, BOB. you fire a SLUG in his chest but it doesnt even SLOW im down, HOSS -- he WRESTLES the gun from your GRIP and TOSSES it. he RAISES the TIRE IRON in his RIGHT HAND and BASHES the SIDE of your FACE in.
by jolly r. blackburn and barbra blackburn

GAAA -sputter- hes got it IN for me -- h-hes got it IN for me BAD!!!
yer CRIT-OUT-OF-LUCK, hoss. FATS here is a MADE-MAN. luck dont WORK against MADE-MEN. hes gonna EXPEND four points of RESPECT to put a little HURT on yer ass -- seein how you OFFED his dog and STOLE his car hes pretty RILED UP. hes steppin into HOMICIDAL RAGE.
oh dear, FREE ATTACK city.
h-hes STILL ALIVE? how can that DUDE still be WALKING?
\ BURN off my LUCK POINTS to execute a CINEMATIC ESCAPE!
GAAA!! \m goin for the gun.
three rounds later... he hits ya AGAIN with the TIRE IRON, bob and then he goes ON HITTING YA!! you jess wannit to STOP -- but it JUST keeps comin and comin -- he keeps BASHING, and BASHING and BASHING til yer head and SCALP turn to GOO! you PRAY for it to STOP -- only it dont stop, hoss. you PLEAD for it to END, but when you look up into those soulless eyes ROLLED back in their SOCKETS as he SWINGS on ya...
you REALIZE hes ENJOYIN it too much -- yer BEGGIN is like FUEL in his CARB. even after you PASS OUT the SICK BASTARD still goes on HITTIN ya. just for GIGGLES.
oh... um, dave -- \ RECON yer at the TOP of the STAIRS by now -- you PEEK in the window and see FATS, -- shirtless and SOAKED in blood standin over yer little BUDDY over there.
he LOOKS up and sees ya and GRINS. you can PROBABLY pop a SHOT off fore he GETS to you. shya... SCREW THAT!! \m RUNNIN back DOWN the STAIRS!! hey! what GIVES...?!!
-gulp-
\m NOT DEAD, you IDIOT!! \m just BLEEDING OUT - get back here and TAKE that guy out. hes right. DUDE -- you shot him FIVE TIMES! yer as GOOD as gone as far his CHARACTER knows. cmon! \ can pull through! whoah, now HOLD up, CRUTCH. \ cant sit IDLY by and watch a fellow PC go dOWN due to a BAD RULING.
bad call...? whatcha talkin about, PETE?
that bit about MADE MEN bein IMMUNE to LUCK. that rule CHANGED. its an OPPOSED ROLL -- HIS luck against BOBs here. oh, thats opposed right -- it roll? \ dont was in the recall THAT ERRATTED in the BOOKS. 2nd printing. there!! ya SEE? SHE KNOWS!!
Pete Ashton, Bundle of Trouble #101, Takin Care of Business
12
yeah, well... \ aint GOT no ERRATTED printing from the LOOKS of it. and you know how \ RUN my table. ifin a RULE aint in my HAND...?
OH CMON THATS NOT FAIR
let it go, bob. HIS TABLE. HIS RULES.
this SUCKS!! SCRAPS had his FIVE KILLS in. \ was ON my way to bein a MADE MAN.
sorry to get your hopes up, buddy. -sigh-
we aint USIN it.
wait -- pete...!!! actually, YOU DO!! too bad ya dont have a COPY of the BOOK to give im. huh...? whats that? youve got a CRIME NATION 3RD PRINTING -- out front under glass!! \ was actually going to BUY it when \ HEARD what we were playing today -but the FIFTY DOLLAR price tag put me off. fifty bucks?!! say what? and it has the RULE in it?
huh...?
-snap-
GORDO brought a copy in last year... to sell on CONSIGNMENT. mother, mary, joseph... YER RIGHT!! hot damn - so what are we waitin for? lets go GET it! whoah, hold yer horses.
that book is in PRISTINE CONDITION. still in its ORIGINAL shrink wrap from 1994.
CRUTCH...
you said you needed the RULE in yer hand? if \ just BROUGHT you the book? sorry, bob. its not even MY book. -- to HOLD. would that work?
eh...fraid not, bob -- sorry. \d need to SEE the rule.
its a COLLECTIBLE we just cant POP it and CREASE the spine.
and just so you KNOW... the games movin into REAL TIME. yer BLEEDIN OUT as we TALK -- mark off two more points.
GAAA
that PUTS me at MINUS four!!
the HELL we cant.
like we said good as dead, bob. let it go.
we were just CHARACTER SNIPING!! thats all. we ALWAYS sign up for events and KILL OFF the other players. makes the TIME go by quicker between the HACKMASTER EVENTS and one of US is always GUARANTEED to win so we can split any PRIZES! Dave Bozwell, Bundle of Trouble #18, A Question of Honor
13
PETE!! -- dude, cmon!! you gotta pull out that BOOK.
\ aint got FIFTY BUCKS!!
SHEE give me some PLASTIC...!! YOUR CREDIT CARD

\ gotta BUY that book!!!
\ still have a CHANCE here!!

excuse me? sorry bob. FAT chance of that. \d hate to lose, SCRAPS, pete. lessin you wanna
BUY it.
BUY IT
-sputter-sigh- alright... WHAT...? you wanna blow FIFTY BUCKS? bob -- its JUST not in the BUDGET. but its COMING out of your ALLOWANCE. REALLY...? aaah, THANKS, baby
NO BOB...
no way... no LET GO OF ME!! cmon... PLEASE
it WOULD be a SHAME to see SCRAPS taken out. hes got a 17 DEX!
PLEASE!! \m BEGGIN ya, shee. oh now DONT give me that LOOK...

-whimper-
YER THE BEST
well... okay, BIG SPENDER. \ll give ya TWO MINUTES to get BACK HERE before.. hey..? whered he go...?
the kids not USUALLY that TREACHEROUS. hmmrrff! never underestimate the LURE of a CASE OF SNAPPLE. Pete Ashton, Bundle of Trouble #17, Bad to the Gnome
14
meanwhile... oh hey, bob. ...only the DWARF - he wasnt HAVIN none of it you see. coz from where HE was from they didnt BELIEVE in REZZIN the dead. coz YOU know, the FATES have SPOKEN. heh -- so WHERE did that leave ME? fortunately my PACK BEARER had my BACK and...
SLAAAAM
oh... this CARDS not in your name, bob. \m not sure \m AUTHORIZED to..
hows the GAME goin?
no time to TALK.
RING ME UP
oh... okay. sure.
quickly! quickly!
just RUN THE CARD - alright?
IM BLEEDING OUT IN THERE
oh... well. if its an EMERGENCY.
KA-CHAING
THERE!!
-pant- -pant- you GOT it...
NOW CAN WE ROLL...

well.. looks GOOD to me. \ suppose. yeah. were good. better get one of your NAMED dice out for this one. \d go with SLAZENGER 7. no, this is a job for PAYDEN BLUE. -pant-pant-
moments later...
one roll later...
HAAAAA
awww. \m sorry bob. okay... looks like a SEVEN is the NUMBER to beat, hoss. good luck, bob.. you can do it!! lets SEE what yer MADE of!! shake them BONES!! \ got this!! PAYDEN always DELIVERS under PRESSURE!! and not to rub SALT IN THE WOUND its STILL coming out of yer allowance. one for the BARDS, baby!
dont CHOKE, shakeycakes
ka-shoo ak -shoo
-whimper-
okay \ lay it on THICK! \ tell this guy all the WONDROUS and INCREDIBLE things about KNUKYLE RA! \ explain the many PERKS of being a follower and \ EMBELLISH some of the finer details to really make it look like a GOOD PACKAGE. dont forget, \ get a plus 2 modifier for him being a HALF ORC and another plus 3 cos hes DRUNK! Bob Herzog, Bundle of Trouble #17, New Approaches
15
no worries, hoss. you can SUBSCRIBE to KODT and load up on BACK ISSUES and other KENZERCO products at www.kenzerco.com.
HROOO!!
16
Section 5
a few days later... HOLY MOLY!!
nice for you! so, whats the OCCASION...? did you get a shipment of NEW PRODUCT in...?
naaa -- CRUTCH is runnin his GAME TODAY. apparently, FOLKS are comin in to see what all the FUSS has been about. no kiddin...?
you sure seem BUSY, PETE!!
well, THAT and hopin to WRANGLE a SEAT in the game. \ll say. ISNT IT GREAT...?!! its been like this ALL day. heh -- FAT CHANCE of that.
never seen anything like it - \ aint had a GM with his sort of DRAW since patty ran her POWERPUFF GIRL RPG... but that was a COSPLAY-LARP.
-sigh- \ sorta REGRET not gettin in when \ had a CHANCE.
but at LEAST \ SCORED this LAST COPY of HACKTOGRAPHER.
that is one HARD to FIND book -- its been out of PRINT for MONTHS! \ really cant AFFORD IT but no WAY \m walking out of here without it. ring me up!
you got LUCKY -- \ took it with me as READING MATERIAL while doin my BUSINESS a few months ago -- mustve FALLEN behind the HOT WATER heater when SQUIRRELY was MOPPIN up. jess FOUND it this morning. eeew... \m gonna use the POINTS on my HMA CARD toward the PURCHASE, pete. sure thing.
ya know -- \ got some of those GELATINOUS ICE-CUBE TRAYS back in stock. \ can make you a DEAL if you... huh...?
whoah -- says here it was DECLINED, b.a. DECLINED...?!! well thats odd. \ just RENEWED my membership... not two weeks ago. no worries - probably a COMPUTER GLITCH is all. thanks, pete. \ll just CALL it in.
MREEP
well, to be honest he WAS a bit DISTRACTED. just BEFORE his FATEFUL ENCOUNTER he had the GREAT MISFORTUNE to TUMBLE down a SLIDING CHUTE right into a NEST of VORACIOUS GROIN LEECHES! understandably, he was in a bit of a HURRY to shed his ARMOR and administer FIRST AID. thats when the LURKER made his move. Cody Winkle, Bundle of Trouble vol. 19, Ready, Set, Bet
17
moments later. thats right.
sorry, b.a. \ HATE to do this... um, squirrely. hroo! hroo! hroo! seize and destroy?
nothin PERSONAL, son. apparently your cards been FLAGGED.
the LAST FOUR are 9-8-7-6... and thats on a GAMEMASTER SILVER ACCOUNT. \ beg yer PARDON...? REALLY?
we got a SEIZE and DESTROY here.
M-MY CARD
what the HELL...?!!
-snippitynip -s
-s -s nipnip -
something about a SECTION 5.
HEY
\ dont understand -- my HACKMASTER ASSOCIATION record is UNBLEMISHED -- you know that, pete!
huh...? oh hey, GORDO.
SECTION 5...?
other than a few CAMPAIGN AUDITS - its SPOTLESS.
firp -- \ dont even KNOW what that is!
\ didnt mean to pry - but what did you DO, b.a...? ifn you say so, b.a. so --will you be paying CASH TODAY then?? \ dont HAVE the cash. can you HOLD it for me..? whoah... section 5? thats pretty SERIOUS. i-it IS...?
well, sure.
thats a HABITUAL OFFENDER tag on HARD EIGHTS online forums!! NITRO got SLAPPED with one of those years back. what? thats NUTS! its gotta be some sort of mistake! damn, b.a. \ never took you for a TROUBLE MAKER. ya know, \ HEARD there WAS an OPEN REVOLT on the BOARDS last weekend. gosh, b.a. - you werent MIXED UP with that were ya...? um, do \ need to UNFRIEND you...?
coz \d HATE to be IMPLICATED. rumor has it the MODERATORS are tryin to FERRET out all the RING LEADERS and INSTIGATORS. but \m a MODEL online citizen. hmmm. COLLATERAL DAMAGE maybe...?
ever since the EDITION WARS its a \m INNOCENT! good idea to be CAREFUL about the \ ASSURE you. COMPANY you keep on the boards.
-chomp-chew-munch-
uh oh... play it COOL.
RIGHT! and APPARENTLY brians not the ONLY one to know about the CENTERS FOR DISEASE CONTROLS online DATABASE. any MORON with a modem can access that INFORMATION. and SOMEBODY forgot to mention CROANERS DISEASE requires a PROLONGED hospital stay. Bob Herzog, Bundle of Trouble vol. 23, And Then the Other
18
GORDOs right, b.a. you probably just got SWEPT UP in the net with the RABBLE ROUSERS.
hey, GORDO. -munchwhats up, with you?
aint nobody BUDGIN!! and \ve been offerin COLD HARD CASH and HAND PAINTED MINIS. well, \ aint givin up. not YET!!
wait a minute... \ DID get slapped with a 90-day ban...
oh - not much. eh -- just file an APPEAL -- \ can help you with the PAPERWORK. came down hopin to get a SEAT in CRUTCHS GAME.
yeah? -- good luck with THAT! \ve talked to EVERYBODY.

-chomp-chew-munch-
its my fault. \ had a CHANCE to sign up. \ OPTED out.
*
-chomp-chew-munch-
hey!! here comes PATTY and TRISH!! must be getting CLOSE to game time.
DANCE...?!!
the artful dance of the DEAL, guys. haggling!
afternoon, girls... my... but y-yer both lookin... LOVELY t-today...
oh cool. huh...? \ was hopin to have a WORD with patty.
oh... hi, brian. P-PATTY...?!! thanks. ah -- \ was HOPING for a chance to RESUME our DANCE.
they both DECLINED my initial offer -- but theyre dealing with the MASTER OF PERSUASION!! um, you got a little FRUIT PIE on yer chin, there, FRED ASTAIRE. -wheezesweet of you to say.
\ do...?
-smack-smack-
say, \ was w-wonderin if -wheeze- you might RECONSIDER givin up yer... -wheeze- s-s-seat. sorry, brian. the ANSWER is still NO! yeah, sorry, LOVE.
um... er... HAAR!!! MASTER OF PERSUASION my ass. EXCUSE ME, LADIES.. poor, guy. \ need a SODA. master of EVASION, maybe. he DANCED himself right into a SOAKING WET MESS. hey brian! can you GRAB me a YOOHOO?!!
o-oh, but, um, HEAR ME out... w-what if \ were to t-throw in a fa-free BUFF COAT of -wheezeDURASHEEN and..
geezus, its HOT in here.
*See Knights of the Dinner Table #197: B.A. gets banned for reviving a dead thread on the Hard 8 forums after Brian has been pushing an issue and using B.A.s IP address to flaunt board rules. 19
oh - HEYYA, CRUTCH!!
HEY!!!
theres CRUTCH! hey guys -- game time is in TEN -- dont be late. coz SOON as \ hit the CAN and grab a SMOKE - \m lockin the doors! oh snap! we better go, guys!
oh yeah, baby... lets go.
thanks, crutch! were headed that way.
good!
IM BACK BAAY-BEE
now SOMEBODY POINT me TO WHERE THE ACTION IS...
\ dont think theyre READY for the two of us.
20
HOT DAMN
GAME TIME! squirrely... hroo!
hey little fella -- give me a PACK of those MARLBOROS. \ll take a couple of them PICKLED EGGS too. um, excuse me.
MAN the REGISTER!
oh, and some PORK RINDS.
CRUTCH... sir?
oh - CRUTCH! \ put a couple a JUICE PACKS behind your SCREEN. and some BLUE OX TERIYAKI BEEF JERKY. oh. thanks, hoss. \ NOTICED you were chawin on some on our RIDE the other day.
koo! kroo!!
huh...? oh... hey, LUMPY. the names BRIAN. whats on yer mind..?
well, sir..., \ was hopin to get a SEAT in yer game. word on the street is yer running a REAL interesting game - \ want in!
\ realize that... sorry, LUMP. games FULL up. if \ could just SQUEEZE in...? \d consider it a... full up means FULL UP, hoss. but \ was hopin youd make an exception.
\ dont think you understand. \m a HUGE CRIME NATION fan.
wow - you REALLY want in that game.
oh WOW!! a copy of HACKTOGRAPHER!!
well -- make sure yer NAMEs on the WAITING LIST, LUMPY. something might OPEN up.
-sighokay then.
you have NO IDEA, b.a. CRIME NATION is my second love.
squirrely, RING ME UP!!
boy, am \ steamed! bob could have PUT MY EYE OUT when he hurled that twenty-sider at me. did you see the DENT it put in the wall?? and SARA my OWN COUSIN. she actually held me down while dave gave me an ATOMIC WEDGIE. B.A. Felton, Bundle of Trouble vol. 19, The Sympathy Ploy
21
Course Change
moments later...
hey guys -- \ was HOPING we could quickly talk a bit about STRATEGY.
before CRUTCH comes back.
well we dont have MUCH time - whats on yer MIND, sara?
look -- CRUTCH caught us all FLAT FOOTED last session -- \ dont think ANY of us were PREPARED for what he brought to the table. oh he BROUGHT IT alright --and THEN some. my nerves were frazzled. well -- \ think we PLAYED into his hands. maybe we should CHANGE our approach. \ had post traumatic session disorder for four days!
hell you got my vote. what we were doing last week sure didnt work.
\ know, \ know. SORRY - \ was hoping to get here SOONER.
heres the thing... he BAITED us with the CLANDESTINES - had us playing THIER game.
theyre the DEFAULT bad guys in the BOXED SET -- theyre ACCUSTOMED to UPSTARTS like us makin a PLAY against em. tryin to SWEEP EM AT THE KNEES by going after their RACKETS and OPERATIONs isnt the way to go quite frankly. we need to play it SMARTER. anything beats racking up a BODY COUNT. were listening.
we need to REBOOT and think SmALLER. BAY CITY is a TOUGH PLACE to establish a FOOTHOLD - let alone SURVIVE. we need to establish a FOOTHOLD and BUY enough time to get our WAR FOOTING. we should FOCUS on going after some of the OTHER struggling INDEPENDENTS. corner a piece of THIER action. or maybe form some ALLIANCES. alliance? now \ like the SOUND of that. whoah! hold on a SECOND!
but THINK about it.
this is a GANG that fought its way TOOTH and NAIL to the TOP of the heap in BAY CITY.
are you sayin we should ABANDON the PROGRESS weve made DISRUPTIN the CLANDESTINES distribution network? we lost a LOT of GOOD CHARACTERS tryinto take that HOOCH DEN last week - seemed like things could TIP.
well... what about the MEAT LOCKER MAYHEMS..? we havent had BLOOD with them yet. and word on the street is theyre the MORTAL ENEMIES of the clandestines.
lets see how good CRUTCH is on his feet when we CHANGE things up.
not abandon, pete. back burner it for ANOTHER day.
shes right. we essentially declared WAR before we even knew the POLITICAL LANDSCAPE.
so who were you thinkin of makin an ALLIANCE with?
ah -- so the enemy of our enemy is our friend?
shes makin sense guys.
yeah. you got somebody in mind?
exactly.
hey, it wasnt ALL magic driven! dont forget EMBER BRIGHT made an AERIAL LANCE-CHARGE against that BROWNIE. three points of SINUS CAVITY DAMAGE!! you just KNOW hes FEELING that. -snicker- Gordo Sheckberry, Bundle of Trouble vol. 23, Point Mongering
22
Into the Meat Locker

moments later still... CRANKBOX CADDY stares HARD at ya. like a JUNKYARD pitbull lookin at the CAT who just LEAPT over the FENCE. maybe you didnt see the TAG on the WATER TOWER on yer way in...
you got some spit-chrome CAJONES hangin LARGE to come SCURRYIN down to this side of the VIADUCT!!
um - w-we came not donnin our COLORS, crankbox, s-sir. - as a show of RESPECT. and with CHAMBERS empty and
MAGAZINES tucked in our boots. THIS IS MEAT LOCKER MAYHEM \ve got a TURF, DOG-BAIT were here GRENADE crotched to talk.
- jess sayin.
hrmmmph -- hes lookin down his NOSE at you, little sister. like he dont know if he should POP a cap between yer eyes or KICK dirt over the STINK you DRUG in with ya. now what in the HELL would we have to TALK about...?
\ know yer STENCH -yer the SEVEN MATADORS... the CHUM-SACKS whove been servin themselves up as TARGET PRACTICE for the CLANDESTINES.
yo CRUTCH!! \m checkin out all the EXITS first sign of TROUBLE \m pullin the RING on this GRENADE and goin JOHN WU all up in this DUMP!
hold on, PETE -- its just POSTURING. hes the ALPHA DOG here -- for the moment.
why you bringin your SORRY ASS problems to my LOCKER? and this BETTER be good.
hes just lookin for some ACKNOWLEDGEMENT of that from us. there are RULES to THIS.
wow, patty -\m impressed. youve played, CRIME NATION before \ take it.
later as the TALKS unfold... CRANK BOX CADDY is listenin to LADY MCGYVER -- you seem to have his EAR. and he aint lookin so ANGRY at the moment - least wise his JAWs stopped twitchin some and theres less BLOOD in his eye. but his lieutenant, SPINE...? he doesnt look like hes buyin a WORD you say. oh dear -- \ KNEW it. \ FAILED my PERSUASION CHECK against that one.
ut oh. not liking this. watch that guy. hes TROUBLE.
no - \ used to DATE a marine.
play it cool. hes not callin the shots here. crank is.
hes EYEBALLIN each and every one of ya as that bottle of ONE-EYED CROW is passed around.
hey ARTICULUS! nice SWING! does your HUSBAND fight too? hey! \ came to see GLADIATORS, not FATTY-ATORS. hey B.A. am \ getting any REACTION? Dave Bozwell, Bundle of Trouble vol. 21, Requiem for a Gladiator
23
wait a minute...? bob... hes eyeballin who..? ME?!! TERRANCE BRICK the III doesnt TOLERATE that crap. let it go, bob. hes BAITING you.
you make a PLAY, dude, \ll BACK it.
dont do what?
dont do it. oh you got that right.
dont get into a PISSING CONTEST with this GUY.
no.. hes frickin siphonin my RESPECT FACTOR.
like a SPONGE!
let saras plan FAIL on its OWN before you MUCK it all up -- alright?
\m just PLAYIN my character!! aint nobody gonna EYE BALL terrance brick and go UNCHALLENGED!
\m returnin the STINK EYE back to this SPINE-DUDE. crutch, does he NOTICE...?!
oh yeah, - he notices. he looks to the REFRIGERATOR whos been standin behind ya and gives him, THE NOD. ol STRAW DAWG takes the ALUMINUM baseball bat hes been cradlin in his arms and THROAT PUNCHES you with the END-GRIP. you go DOWN on the GROUND on all fours BARFIN up yer DENNYS breakfast burrito while SPINE plants a BOOT on yer ASS and sends you flyin FACE FIRST into a PUDDLE of yer own SICK! ewww.
that probably warrants a RESPONSE.
they PATTED us DOWN REMEMBER? just put im on yer LIST of ASSES TO KICK.
GAAA! way to safe guard your RESPECT factor there, bob. dont \ get a DEFENSE roll...?
easy, bob...
deal with him LATER.
oh, hes goin on my list!
CRANKBOX leans back in his MILK CRATE THRONE and PICKS at his TEETH with an ICE PICK. alright... maybe we CAN work together... but FIRST..? you gotta earn TRUST.
earn trust...?
sure.
but um, how do we go about THAT? by doin a little JOB for me. \ wanna see what youre made of -- how you go about gettin things done. oh..., sure, you game? were game.
\ sure hope you KNOW what youre doing, LADY MCGYVER.
trust me. nice! \ think we just got a FOOT in the DOOR. EASY AS PIE! famous last words?
what the hell do you think those DISGRUNTLED HIRELING TABLES are for? huh? every time youre TOO HARD on one of the HIRELINGS, b.a. is over there ROLLING dice to BEAT THE BAND. its like FEEDING a belt of AMMO to a MONKEY armed with a FIFTY CALIBER MACHINE GUN.
Brian Van Hoose, Bundle of Trouble vol. 24, The Dad Factor
24
Drive Bye-the-Bye
LATER THAT SAME NIGHT on the JOB... bob, you take a ROUND to the THIGH as you attempt to RUN across the street.. you DIVE between those PARKED CARS. hitting the PAVEMENT so hard youll be pickin ASPHALT out of yer TEETH for a WEEK!
meanwhile, a chromed-out cherry pink, LINCOLN CONTINENTAL. careens around the CORNER at the end of the block. two CLANDESTINE cleavers with MAC-10 SMGs are leanin out the side WINDOWS -- they SPRAY that bank of NEWSPAPER RACKS with HOLLOW-POINT FIRE and ATTITUDE! \ want DEFENSE ROLLS from everyone who was takin COVER at that position! crap!
GAAA! another drive-by!
CLANDESTINES
\ KNEW it! those MEAT LOCKER boys set our asses up!
seriously, PATTY? you cant spare ONE magazine? youve got like SIX of em. sorry, TRISH. this is why \ EMPHASIZED proper provisioning and PERSONAL responsibility back at the ICE HOUSE.
crutch, BUTCH LIGHTNING rolled PERFECT DEFENSE! \m using my FREE ACTION to DIVE through the FRONT WINDOW of the DELICATESSEN!
as the SNARE tightens... jess bad luck all around, pete. you ATTEMPT to climb the CHAIN LINK fence in the ALLEY when yer old friend the REFRIGERATOR catches UP with you. he SHOVES his BASEBALL bat in the GAPIN HOLE in your back left by that SHOTGUN WOUND and turns you into a MEAT-TURD ON A STICK as he PRIES you loose from the FENCE. meanwhile, that LINCOLN has done a UUEY and is comin back around.
reloading here!!
oh put a SOCK in it.
shovin a GLOVE in this WOUND!
sweet gawd!!
crap!
CRUTCH - \m standin DIRTY HARRY style in the MIDDLE of the STREET and assuming a BRACED-WRIST SHOOTING STANCE!
STURGIS HOWLER...? heh - why even bother..? you didnt bring the DESERT EAGLE \ bought you? dont be an idiot. the .50 ammo has FAR more STOPPING POWER. that PEA SHOOTERs gonna BOUNCE right off that LEXAN GLASS.
\m poppin a FULL clip from my STURGIS HOWLER into that WINDSHIELD!
\ prefer the STURGIS - alright? well, \ dont see WHY. well better CONCEALMENT factor for one.
are you THERE? not to MENTION the NO YOURE NOT HOWLER will you just let me jams on a RUN my character? ONE in six.
guys, you dont understand \ actually got to PLAY for a change. \ played a GNOME THIEF named GRIFT. \ picked locks, cut purses, raised hell \ even kneed a BLACKSMITH in the groin!
B.A. Felton, Bundle of Trouble vol. 31, My Kingdom for a GameMaster
25
why are you being DIFFICULT...? \ thought AMMO UNIFORMITY between our CHARACTERS would be the BEST... dammit, shee. we TALKED about this -you PROMISED.
one CLIP later... -sigh- yer right. we did. fine. you wanna do STUPID? go for it. \ happen to KNOW what \m doing. the LAST thing to go through your MIND is the LINCOLN HOOD ORNAMENT.
-sh o -sh okaook a-
\ve been GAMIN for a LONG time, ya know.
you FLY over the HOOD and BOUNCE off the WINDSHIELD, hoss as your BUTT hits the BACK of your head.
back in the ALLEY... you wanna another CHARACTER SHEET, sweetheart? whatta mean TAE SOO DO is a SKILL PREREQUISITE for HAW RANG DO...? you mean \ WASTED 75 BPs on this crap and \ cant use it?
TRISH, yer peekin out the AIR VENT on that SUPPLY LOCKER you SQUIRRELED yerself away in -- someone JIGGLES the lock and tries the door fore walkin off. just about the TIME you think yer home scot free, you hear footsteps. after emptyin a five gallon can of GASOLINE in on ya, you hear a ZIPPO LIGHTER bein FLIPPED open.
leave me alone.
you need a moment. \ understand.
SCREW IT
\ THROW my EMPTY gun at him and RUN AWAY!
per-whim
LATER... you got the ol BEATER you jacked floored, sara. theres so much BLOOD slimin up the vinyl BENCH SEATS you and yer POSSE are slidin BACK and FORTH as you TEAR through the back streets tryin to make your way back to the ICE HOUSE. pete, you reckon that GRENADE took out that PANEL TRUCK that was on yer ass -- theres hide nor hair of em out the shattered BACK GLASS. tell me something, LADY MCGYVER... this plan is better HOW exactly...? we may have to TWEAK a few details.
so a traumatic aortic rupture... thats survivable. right?
HAA! \ cant believe my luck!! that LAST crit was in the SAME eye \ lost last week!
damn - \ KNEW \ shouldve invested in that HOME BLOOD TRANSFUSION kit when \ had a chance.
droppin a magazine here!
can we SWING back by that PAWN SHOP?
hes the most LOW-MAINTENANCE GAWD in the books. no tithes. no goofy fashion statements. no symbols. no mandatory services or rituals. PRAY AND PLAY! whats NOT to love about him?
Bob Herzog, Bundle of Trouble vol. 13, The GM Wanna-be
26
Dyin Dumb in Bay City

back out at the ICE HOUSE... jess HUMOR me, hoss. dave, BEFORE we continue - do me a FAVOR. hold your CHARACTER sheet up for me. huh...? what for...? ya want \ should PASS it down? um, okay. no - \ want you to HOLD it up. whatever you say, dude.
here ya go.
PERFECT -- HOLD IT.... no... a little HIGHER, dawg. like THIS...? SMILE, MEAT-SACK!!
a bit HIGHER. just UNDER yer CHIN!!
is that a POLAROID..? \ didnt even think they MADE those anymore? \ got a good deal on a HALF-PALLET of em. say - you want one? oh... no. thats okay.
HEY! what gives? whats with goin all PAPPARAZZI on me, bro?
somethin NEW, \m tryin... \m COLLECTIN heads of THOSE that didnt MAKE the CUT. \ got the IDEA from back when \ used to SPAR-FIGHT.
\ can make ya a good deal.
yer going on the WALL OF SHAME on the FRONT of MY GM SCREEN.
yeah, well YOUR character didnt have his SPLEEN eaten by a GREATER HELL SPAWN! that damned thing FREAKED me out, man. Bob Herzog, Tales from the Vault vol. 5, p. 5
27
W-WALL OF SHAME..?!!
-sigh- hey, somebody hand me down another CHARACTER SHEET... looks like JACK HAMMERs, brother, PAUL PEEN is rollin into TOWN to avenge him. no need to do that, hoss -youre THROUGH.
gotta a NEW policy. ifn ya DIE DUMB...? more than FIVE TIMES? YER OUT. go ahead and gather up yer things and say yer GOODBYES.
huh...?
whadda ya mean \m through..? oh yeah NICE! looks REAL GOOD, hoss. the NIGHT is YOUNG.
jess what \ said, strawdawg.
well you WERE moonin the GUY out the SUNROOF of the car. DYIN DUMB..?!! the guy SHOT ME!! yeah, and TAUNTING him with a bullhorn saying, IS THAT ALL YOU GOT?
-giggle- that was so cute.
look hoss, \ve ENJOYED havin ya. but \ got a LOT of folks PESTERIN me for a CHAIR at this table. \ figure FAIR is FAIR
that TOTALLY came out of LEFT FIELD! law rocket isnt even on the frickin PRICE LISTS!
WITH A LAW ROCKET
ya burn through FIVE characters? consider it a GOOD RUN - time to ROTATE in someone new from the list.
SERIOUSLY
damn!
oh my..
yer kickin me out?
dont worry, hoss. the WAY the REST of this POSSE are burnin through CHARACTERS? youll rotate back in... eventually.
well -- not to be CALLOUS or anything... but um -- \ call DIBS on his STEEL-TOED BOOTS!!
well HELL FIRE... this sorta CHAPS my ass.
grabbin his GLOCK here!! ooo - is that 9mm AMMO and clips compatible with my LINEBAUGH?
HEY
pinchin the SUNGLASSES!
takin the IPOD TOUCH! dude, you got a list of APPS and TUNES thats on that thing?
\ assumed our SEATS were SAFE.
its NEVER about the GIFT, sara. its about ONE-UPPING the other guy. Brian Van Hoose, Bundle of Trouble vol. 33, The Gift Horse
28
DAMN!! \ sure wish youd have SAID something about this FIVE-MEN FOR A QUARTER nonsense. \ NEVER wouldve suicided, CRUNK MEISTER last session steerin that HANGLIDER into the WHEEL HOUSE of that HOOCH FREIGHTER.
well to make this fair... \ll roll RANDOMLY on the SIGN UP list to see who gets your SEAT.
hmmmmm... well, \ll be. looks like its LUMPYs lucky day.
too bad you DETONATED PREMATURELY.
that was AWESOME, pete!
dirk fing blast \ FUMBLED tryin to PULL the PRIMING CHARGE on my C4-VEST.
-s h -s ook ho ok aa-
brians getting my SEAT...? do me a FAVOR, hoss. if you see the BIG GUY on your WAY OUT...? aaah, man. oh SHOOT ME, PLEASE... \ can feel the FUN being SUCKED out of the room already.
say - we could USE his TACTICAL KNOW HOW to crack this egg.
dude that sucks SO MUCH -BRIAN offered you FIFTY BUCKS for your seat. you shouldve just TAKEN it. crap!
um, no offense, dave.
send im in.
damn, dude. yer right!
moments later... yeah - that blows. \ couldve USED that money... if \ might make a suggestion... um..., dave.
GOTTA RUN!!
g-good luck, guys!! well, he sure seems to be in a hurry. dave, you forgot your DICE!!
eh -- he just lost a DAMN GOOD character. probably needs a MOMENT alone.
Pete Ashton, Bundle of Trouble vol. 10, Takin Care of Business
29
Art of the Deal

meanwhile out front... \ didnt even SPEAK the language!! haar. now the EYNDAARANS are mostly comprised of WILD ELVES ya see distant cousins of the GREL. now THIS is where it gets REAL interesting. \ pretended \ was a DEAF-MUTE.
here, \ was tryin to PASS myself off as the very EMISSARY \ MURDERED -a guy sent on a sensitive diplomatic mission -URMOSS. chieftain of the HIGH OGRES himself. and \ didnt speak WILD ELVENEEZE or OGRE THICK-TONGUE!!! HAAR-HAAR!! CYAN LOTUS was so RECKLESS that way. and the FUNNIEST PART of it all?
see the IRONY HERE?
THE FOOLS FELL FOR IT!!

the EYNDAARAN DELIGATION handed over the TRIBUTE meant for the ARGARSTAN EMISSARY and \ simply WALKED OUT out of the TERRITORY with it.
huh...? oh - hey, dave.
thank gawd yer sTILL here, dude.
sure. wassup...?
is the game over already?
\ve been thinkin about your offer. ya got a MOMENT...? my offer?
you know for my SEAT in CRUTCHs GAME?
true story. \ SWEAR.
hey, BRIAN!!
yeah...? what about it? dont tell me youve RECONSIDERED.
what do you take me for...? A FOOL? no way \m payin that MUCH, dude. SWEET!!
SIXTY THEN -- chairs waitin for ya. you can be playin in FIVE MINUTES! well - maybe.... FIFTY BUCKS was MIGHTY tempting. alright, but hurry.
but if you could go to SIXTY FIVE...?
DEAL!! hold on - \ gotta hit the ATM next door!!
\ hope \ LIVE long enough to SPEND that money.
we were just CHARACTER SNIPING!! thats all. we ALWAYS sign up for events and KILL OFF the other players. makes the TIME go by quicker between the HACKMASTER EVENTS and one of US is always GUARANTEED to win so we can split any PRIZES! Dave Bozwell, Bundle of Trouble vol. 18, A Question of Honor
30
BEHOLD!! the LEGENDARY VAULTS OF KENZER!!
its TRUE!! it really DOES exist!
break out the SACKS!!! were gonna LOAD UP. (i wonder if they take plastic.)
sweet!!
Hundreds of comics, games and gaming supplements are only a key press away in downloadable PDF format. Many are FREE!!
WWW.KENZERCO.COM
The Relief Player

PETES BACKROOM: after SACKING, dave for DYING DUMB one too many times, CRUTCH has called in a NEW PLAYER from the waiting list.
by jolly r. blackburn with barbara blackburn

actually, \ dont NEED to roll up a character. \m ALWAYS prepared -- \ have a half dozen, CRIME NATION characters right here in my BRIEFCASE.
alright, LUMPY. ya got TWENTY MINUTES to ROLL UP a character. lets make it FAST, okay? were waitin for ya.
um, the names brian.
\f everyone TELLs me their characters STRENGTHS, SKILL SETS, and a few PARTICULARS \ll pick one of THESE that BEST compliments the GROUP and will be an ASSET.
sorry, chief. aint gonna allow it. you wont ALLOW it..? excuse me?
we need a HUMAN TANK - you got one of THOSE..?!!
yeah, sure. cmon, ROLL some DICE!
dont want no RETREADS, dawg. or CHARACTERS fattened up off the TEAT of another GMs campaign. \ want FRESH spankin new MEAT.
and \ dont ALLOW no COMPARIN notes. jess doesnt SIT well with me. CHARACTERS arent an OPEN BOOK. ya wanna get to KNOW somebody? you do it IN GAME.
ahh -- my bad. \ shouldve CLARIFIED. \ dont think you UNDERSTAND. these are PRISTINE characters -NEVER BEEN PLAYED. so its ALL good.
dude, maybe you should just DO as he says.
bob, please. \ GOT this.
no dice, LINT TRAP! only CHARACTERS allowed in THIS game -- are THOSE whove been rolled up RIGHT HERE at my table.
oh...? really. well that seems sort of ODD. look - its YOUR table, but um, \m no NOOB to CRIME NATION, crutch, sir. \ mean if THATS what youre worried about. these characters are COMPLETELY kosher -- by the book. \ve been GAMIN all my life. \m not one of these MIN-MAXIN neckbeards who... why are you FLAPPIN YER GUMS, hoss? \ cant hear ya. \ wanna know if these STITCHES took. well at LEAST take a LOOK at em. \ spent a LOT of time trickin em... \-\ mean ROLLIN em up!!.
cmon, brian. yer holdin up the GAME.
\ dont make any EXCEPTIONS.
yer right about ONE thing - it IS his table.
youve got a BLANK SHEET. USE IT!
yeah, this dude has this entrance CORKED up tighter than a TWENTY-YEAR bottle of wine.
Bob Herzog, KODT Issue #140, Time Out
32
it aint OPEN for discussion. now youve got TWO OPTIONS, dawg.
COMMENCE to rollin up a NEW character -- and \ mean REAL quick like... or PACK UP yer KIBBLE N BITS along with your PURSE there and \ ROLL on the LIST to see who takes yer seat after the DOOR smacks yer ass on the WAY out. well. okay. but honestly if you would JUST...
alright, alright... \ GOT it. \ll ROLL UP a new character. just seems rather POINTLESS when \ have PERFECTLY good characters sitting right here that... you can DO IT with out the BACK SASS, lump. and make it QUICK.
dude, zip it.
brian!!
dont PUSH. he means it!
oh, um...
yer treadin on THIN ice.
yeah, dont BLOW it, dude. do as he says. okay, okay...
weve wasted enough time.

he can be so stubborn.
sure. whatever.
little SISTER...? -sigh- you KNOW what...? \m gonna have a SMOKE. yer in charge. CHECK HIS WORK. oh..., of course. \ll be OUT BACK when yer READY. youve got it, CRUTCH. why did he put YOU in charge \ wonder..?
he TRUSTS me - \ GUESS.
GMS PET!!
oh stop.
-snicker-
crutch isnt LIKE the other GMS. sorry, big guy. \ didnt get a CHANCE to warn ya. didnt get a chance to WARN me about what...? he doesnt put up with any CRAP. nice going, NUMB DICE! you came THIS close to getting BOOTED before yer SEAT was even warm. GEEZE... hes REALLY got you guys runnin SCARED, huh? heh - hilarious. dont you WORRY about me - \ can HANDLE myself.
sweet! 14 for wisdom...
yeah, hes NEW. he hasnt been BROKEN yet.
-sh -sh ookaook a-
ble-scrib leb -scrib
HELL YEAH, \m MAD!!! dude, you CHALLENGED frickin DRACULA to a game of darts!! you WAGERED my SOUL, you JERK!!
Bob Herzog, KODT Issue #163, One-Two Punches
33
Charred-Gen
FIVE MINUTES LATER... ooo!! SIXTEEN for my METTLE ABILITY. you got the MAKINGS of a GOOD BRAWLER there. that earns me 15 extra building points to JACK UP my THRESHOLD OF PAIN and RESISTANCE TO TORTURE scores.
so before \ pick a CLASS and FLESH him out... whats everyone else playing...?
\m FEELIN this guy ALREADY.
cmon, guys -- dont go TALKING OVER yourselves ALL at once. hullo? what are you playin? it wasnt a TRICK question.
no... but he LEFT patty in CHARGE. IN CHARGE....?!!
\ wanna PLAN my character accordingly. whats she supposed to BE? sorry, brian. crutch doesnt LIKE for players to META GAME. yeah, you should probably just ROLL up what you feel GOOD with. yeah, LUMPS. finish up already. are you guys for real..? cmon - hes not even here. some kind of HALL MONITOR? you guys are KILLING me!
a FEW weeks ago CRUTCH was BEGGIN for PLAYERS - now hes got you all JUMPIN through HOOPS...? he RUNS a tough GAME, brian. but hes GOOD. just finish up, dude so we can PLAY. \m itchin to shoot something.
\m startin to wonder if you OVER-SOLD this guy. \ certainly hope \ didnt WASTE sixty-bucks. *
SIXTY BUCKS...
wait, you
PAID dave to...
so.... its REFRESHING, to be honest. ya dont wanna CROSS im though. whatd you get for WISDOM, brian?
meh, a 12!!
unbelievable.
* See KODT# 198: Art of the Deal: Dave gets booted from Crutchs game after his fifth character dies dumb and he decides to take advantage of Brians previous offer to buy his seat.
34
that SUCKS. lessee, \ll keep the SIX... and reroll the two THREES...
METHOD XIII - from the SIOUX COUNTY CRIME NATION QUARTERLY NEWSLETTER -RE-ROLL DOUBLES on any ABILITY SCORE roll of TWELVE OR UNDER. SIOUX COUNTY?
um... no, brian. \m gonna have to NIX that.
wait, you can DO that...? hell NO you cant do that. they fall under the NORTH DAKOTA CHAPTER of the HMA. oh, but you CAN.
method 13 you mean there are 12 others?
is he for REAL?
\ SUBSCRIBE.
NIX IT...
\ really dont think its YOUR call, patty.
geeze loueeze... youre REALLY not leaving me a LOT to WORK with. ya KNOW that? \m at the MERCY of my DICE here! what happened to the SACRED BOND between PLAYERS - huh? were on the SAME team here. well can someone at LEAST feed me a few DETAILS about the CAMPAIGN while \ FINISH my CHARACTER? so \ can get an IDEA of what \ need to be GOING for here?
crutch left me as his PROXY --sorry brian. at BEST that method is HOME-BREWED. how bout we stick to the provisions in the CORE BOOK.
12s not so bad. look at im. stopped DEAD in his tracks.
kay?
well -- \ reckon we can give ya a FEW details... CRUTCH started us out in BAY CITY. we were all UNAFFILIATES who only JUST arrived from other areas of CRIME NATION and FELL in together -- our GANGS NAME is the SEVEN MATADORS. were still tryin to ESTABLISH ourselves and get a PIECE of the ACTION -- but weve ha, um, a few SET BACKS. BAY CITY...?!! the BARE-BONES setting that came in the BOXED SET? the one for NOOB GMS and PLAYERS to cut their TEETH ON..? it had some TOKEN gangs and some FLUFF -- but there wasnt really MUCH there.
-sigh- disappointing really. \ was hopin EDDIE had set him up with one of GRITTIER supplements like the GRINDER series or CRIME SPREE, ROUGE TOWN or even SPLAT FACTORY. GRITTIER...? heh. well you dont have to WORRY about that. oh...?
a FEW setbacks? shyaright.
okay -- next up this DYING nonsense -- that has GOT to change.
Heidi Jackson, KODT Issue # 140, filler, p. 6
35
CRUTCH took what was in the BOOK and SHOT IT UP with frickin STEROIDS. forget EVERYTHING you KNEW about BAY CITY, dude.
you mean hes been RACKIN up a BODY COUNT!! never seen anything like it -- CRUTCH keeps the PRESSURE on CONSTANTLY. he doesnt give us TIME to breathe. we STRIKE and he strikes back HARDER. twenty-one PCs have been CHEWED UP in his SAUSAGE GRINDER so far. the ONLY thing weve managed to ACCOMPLISH is securin some abandoned ICE HOUSE and a few stinkin EMPTY LOTS as our HOME TURF.
he added all sorts of NEW gangs to the mix.
we DID knock off a LIQUOR STORE. \ spent five days in ICU.
one of those LOTS has a PLAY GROUND on it PETE.
filled in all the GAPS with his OWN stuff. he really made it COME ALIVE.
secured...? were yeah, but hrrmph... payin RENT to the our RATES SANDMAN if THATs are locked sounds like a in with a what you mean. case of FAILED six-month player tacticals. lease!
\ dont think you understand, brian. CRUTCH has a certain FLAIR for the GENRE. none of the USUAL STUFF has been working. he always seems to be TWO STEPS ahead of us. and the NARRATIVE STYLE of CRIME NATION seems to strengthen his hand. hes got a FLAIR for that too.
like \ said -- FAILED player tacticals. youve got to ADAPT your game to the GM. sounds to me like youve been lettin CRUTCH steamroll you with INTIMIDATION. look - \m not COMPLAININ. fact is he runs a DAMN FINE, game -were havin a BLAST. on THAT we can ALL agree.
we could USE yer TACTICAL know how to help TIP the odds. if we can just HURT the CLANDESTINES HARD ENOUGH to make a TURF GRAB.
\m actually kinda GLAD you JOINED us, BIG GUY.
go RIGHT for the THROAT!
the clandestines?
okay guys, a little TOO MUCH information. maybe you should just FINISH yer character, brian so we can RESUME play.
hrrmph - and maybe you WANNA take a WALK, tokyo rose. get a SODA? turn the OTHER way? players need to DO what players do. cmon, patty. you wanna take it up with CRUTCH, pete? oh..., so THATS how it is, eh? guess we know which side YOURE on. were tryin to HEDGE our bets here is all.
its okay, guys. \ got ENOUGH to work off of. sounds like you guys need a PERSUADER. let me WORK the NUMBERS.
nitro, \ let out about 30 feet on gordos RETRACTABLE LEASH.
Pete Ashton, KODT Issue #74, Fatigue Factor
36
TWENTY MINUTES LATER...

yeah, yeah, just choosing my STARTING weapons.
how we doing, brian? we getting CLOSE to FINISHING up?
then \ have a few bits of my BACK STORY to flesh out.
have you rolled for your SHOE SIZE yet? \ may have some LAWNGRIP BLUNT TOE boots \ can make ya a DEAL on.
oh wow -- you took PRISON TATTOO..? \ was gonna take that but \ didnt think the HIT to LOOKS was worth it.
+5 to your STREET CRED. whats to THINK about...?
FINALLY...
okay -- \ think hes finished. CLUBBER T. FORD this guy is a cap-bustin TAGGER-slash-GANGBANGER from PISTON FLATS.
\ BIT on the EXISTING CONNECTIONS advantage - each session, \ can CALL IN A FAVOR and summon a CRONY to do a JOB for me. you took the TAGGER package? dude that ROCKS! you can help PROMOTE the SEVEN MATADORS and RAISE our NOTORIETY score. if \m REIMBURSED for the SPRAY PAINT? sure.
you say your character is from PISTON FLATS..? whats yer SPAWN GANG? huh? oh - \ havent PICKED yet -- \ was thinkin of the NINE MILE SHANKS.
`noooo -- you should pick the SPANNERS.
the spanners?
with THREE rolls on the NPC CRONIES tables - held in RESERVE.
well sure -- CHARACTERS spawned from the SPANNERS start the game with a FREE BLADED weapon from table E1. but best of all -my character has PAST AFFILIATION with them. itll give us something in COMMON to BOUNCE off of. you know. past history
yeah...? well OKAY then. \ll go with that. ya know, \m pretty much DONE here. maybe one of you should go tell CRUTCH so we can get rolling.
well HOLD OFF bothering crutch for the MOMENT, if you dont mind. \ll need to CHECK your work first, BRIAN.
good idea, shee. can only make the MAT-SEVENS stronger.
hey, how come you didnt wanna be SPAWN-BUDDIES with me?
lets not make a big deal out of it. okay?
-sc -sc ribbl e rib ble -
* Spawn Gang (aka Spawn Point, Birth Turf) In Crime Nation the concept of Character Legacy is handled by allowing players the option of associating all the individual PCs they may run in the campaign to a single Place of Origin. Usually a neighborhood, city and/or gang the PC had past affiliations with pre-game. PCs with such ties can enter the game with advantages, such as shared knowledge with previous PCs who may have perished, inheriting equipment and monies, mentored skills, etc. In addition, such characters may have pre-game associations and contacts in the form of cronies, fast friends or even sworn enemies.
37
CHECK my work? -sputterpatty, \m a GROWN-ASS MAN... \m SURE it is, brian. \ KNOW how to ROLL UP a character. its just a FORMALITY. this aint HOMEWORK, ya know. not sure about the MAN part but youve got the ASS part right.
well, yer primary ability scores look good. you should have ROUNDED DOWN for your FEATS, however - not UP. um, and you forgot to fill in the HANDEDNESS box...
sorry, brian. crutch did ASK me to check.
everythings in order. \ ASSURE you.
thats no way to talk to A SPAWN BUDDY.
lessee what youve got here.
oh... \ see you took MONKEY-FISTED ADVANCED FIGHTING TACTICS: hand-to-hand. thats 75 BPS -- but there are PREREQUISITES. did you remember to DEDUCT another FIFTY BPS each for BASIC and INTERMEDIATE MARTIAL ARTS..? coz \m LOOK- monkey-fisted? oh... um, IN at thats a the MATH building point did \ FORGET and its not SPONGE to take those...? right there. ADDING UP.
oh, dear... that puts you at a BP DEFICIT. yer gonna have to GIVE something up. lose LAN YIN MANDARIN as a second language and DIESEL MECHANIC maybe?
\ll just TAKE off the ADVANCED hand to hand and YOU can sort it out.
oh AND you MISSPELLED GAROTTE under EQUIPMENT. and \ dont think you can stack ASTUTE OBSERVATION, ATTENTIVE LISTENER and UNCANNY INTUITION, sweetheart.
-er -er aseas e-
oh, and you didnt record the -3 movement penalty for the KEVLAR BODY SUIT -my goodness -- how on EARTH did you AFFORD that..? oh, \ see. no brian, thats 3 K in credits. not 31 credits -well just um, write that one off as PLAYER ERROR. and your Ss look a bit like 5s - you should try and make them more DISTINCT.
um, maybe you should EASE up a bit, PATTY. sorry, force of habit, \ guess.
whatta ya doing BIG GUY?
rolling up ANOTHER character.
bob, the SCHOOL MARM sits on your chest and SHOVES the GUN in your face. apparently she didnt take kindly to your hey baby -- SHAKE IT for me! comment.
Brian Van Hoose, KODT Issue #108, One-Two Punches
38
On Deck
a wee bit later... okay, so yer sittin around at the ICE HOUSE lickin yer WOUNDS and feelin SORRY for yourselves.. when all of a SUDDEN like.. he sent back WORD hes sendin out a RECRUIT and you should be EXPECTIN him. got the guys name from A FRIEND of a FRIEND who owed him a FAVOR. he says the guy hes sendin CHECKS OUT
theres THIS RAPPIN on the LOADIN DOCK DOORS. you find LIPPY THE BAGMAN standin there with a REPLY to your MESSAGE to the SANDMAN -- tellin him yer DOWN a man. lets not take any chances. ah, that must be the CUE for BRIANs character to come in. well need to VET him ourselves. readyin my MAC-10 just just in case.
fine with me.
okay, LUMPS yer on deck. you ARRIVE a few minutes later, \ suppose and they LET ya in. you can take it from there. lessee what you BROUGHT.
okay, basically you guys see a HUMAN-TANK standin on the LOADING DOCK. \m donnin LEATHER all BLINGED out with ZIPPERS, BUCKLES and HOOPS. \ got an INDIAN MOTORCYCLE patch on my left shoulder. and a big ol KOREAN FLAG sewn on the back. \m wearin HARLEY DAVIDSON DETONATOR brand ridin boots - polished to a high SHEEN. around my WAIST \m sportin a six inch wide BOBLBEE RIDIN GIRDLE TAILORED with eight AROUND-THE-GIRTH throwing-stars affixed by VELCRO. oh, my - thats VERY descriptive.
heh -- is he wearin a COLOSTOMY BAG? coz he seems to be SPEWIN a lot of... cute, pete. do you MIND...?!! \m sorta makin an ENTRANCE here.
\ve got a SCAR down my LEFT CHEEK - from EYEBROW to JAW LINE - but \ aint ASHAMED of it. \ wear it with PRIDE - got that in the PEN when some JUICER tried SHIVVIN me in the CHOW LINE. but \ dont really TALK about that. so dont ask about it.
thats the BACK STORY \ came up with based on my PRIORS AND PARTICULARS roll -- it indicated \ did some HARD TIME. \ figured it was for HOMICIDE one of those GANG INITIATION killings. unless you got OTHER ideas, crutch, \ was thinkin one of my HOMEYS back in my OLD GANG, the SPANNERS got picked up on a NARCOTICS CHARGE and SNITCHED ME OUT.
he ratted you out..? that sort of behavior GALLS me.
\ sorta STAND out in a crowd by the way. \m pushin six foot, 11 inches and \ve got one of those retro FROS like SAMUEL L. JACKSON in PULP FICTION - porkchop SIDEBURNS and jet pilot SHADES.
\m starin HARD at ya. hey, we should ALL wear shades! thats sort of MY thing, bob.
oh, he IS interesting character. good isnt he?
\ll make this BRIEF -- just a FEW things you should know and well get along FINE. first off -no MONKEY PAWING other players dice. that should go without saying, but there you have it.
Bob Herzog, KODT Issue #150, Torment By Proxy
39
dang, dawg... you came up with ALL that while \ was havin a SMOKE?
well -- \ was able to SCAVENGE bits of my BACKSTORY from some of these OTHER character sheets and COBBLE it together. you PICKED up on that, huh...? yeah, used to ride TAG-MAN with my BOYS back at the SPANNERS. had me a REAL NICE ride. all BLACK-CHROMED out with RED SPOKES. and SADDLE BAGS emblazoned with the GANG COLORS and SIDE HOLSTERS for a pair of WAFFEN 870 SAWED-OFF SHOTGUNS. lost my RIG, of course, when \ went in the PEN.
you supposed to be a BIKER or something?
see..? \m tellin ya... hes just the SHOT in the arm we NEED to get some TRACTION in this town. hes really something. how much of that is TRUE, \ wonder. damn, wish, \d put MORE thought into MY backstory. all \ put down was \m from DUBUQUE and spent what WOULD have been my SENIOR YEAR of HIGH SCHOOL in JUVIE. welcome to the ICE HOUSE, stranger. were the MAT-SEVENS.
\m TERRENCE BRICK the IV. the CREW just calls me BRICK. you can call me SHADE.
hey, if yer gonna LIVE LARGE do it with your PRE-GAME BACKSTORY and go ALL out, \ suppose.
thats it..? just SHADE?
hold up, brick. not so fast. so...., SHADE. \m sure hes on the UP and UP and all. you say you ran with the SPANNERS. what CITY was that?
all you need to know is thats what \ ANSWER to. \m here coz the SANDMAN said yer lookin for some MUSCLE and a hand thats good with a GUN.
well if SAND vouches for ya, thats good enough for me.
but, lets not be TOO hasty. we need to QUESTION this guy to be sure. probably not a bad idea. \m a little ANTSY after being set up by the MEAT LOCKER MAYHEMS. cmon, shee. its BRIAN. we already KNOW hes bringin in his PC. he needs to be VETTED. \m fine with that. bring it!
yeah, lets PLAY already.
apparently, RAISING THE DEAD in this SECT involves throwing the CORPSE in the basket of a CATAPULT and HURLING the REMAINS over the TEMPLE WALL into the ALLIGATOR INFESTED BOG which lies outside the GATE.
B.A. Felton KODT Issue #74, filler, p. 82
40
BUTCH LIGHTNING. \ actually have TIES in PISTON FLATS.

heh! BUTCH! -snort-
will you look at that? SHEE and BRIAN are actually INTERACTING. so youre from the BIG PISTON too eh...? maybe we used to run with some of the SAME people.
huh...? oh... PISTON FLATS. and YOU are....?
yeah..? maybe theyre finally PUTTING their DIFFERENCES aside. wouldnt that be WONDERFUL?
something FUNNY, pete?

er, NO! nothing at all.
\ seriously, DOUBT IT. \ wasnt a SPANNER. you werent? \m confused. \ thought your SPAWN GROUP was... \ used to run with the NINE MILE SHANKS.
CRUTCH, I PRESS THE BARREL OF MY MAC-10 TO SHADES FOREHEAD AND BURST FIRE
thats +3 for EXTREME CLOSE RANGE. +2 for the BARREL PRESS
SHEE..
what are ya doin...?
the SPANNERS are one of my SWORN ENEMIES. \ ROLLED PERSONAL VENDETTA on my PRIORS. younger sibling, drive-by, gunned down.
quickest PC death oh no ever! she didnt...
wait. what?
and a PLUS ONE for my CLOSE QUARTERS SHOOTING talent!
one dropped MAGAZINE later...
WHAT...?!! seriously... its RIGHT here on my SHEET. oh man -- you got PLAYED, dude.
sweet!! \ just picked up 25 BUILDING POINTS for acting on PERSONAL VENDETTA!! what...? oh, shee. what the hell jess happened? seriously...? they killed my KID SISTER!
that was COLD, shee.
taking out a SPANNER was one of my PERSONAL GOALS.
guess she was playin off PAST HISTORY in more ways than ONE.
-sh -sh ookaook a-
thats not fair. we cant help it if it takes a lot of effort on our part to make you a good GM!
Bob Herzog, Tales from the Vault #2, p. 50
41
Blaze of Gory
later that night... not happenin, LITTLE SISTER... you manage to CRAWL yer way to the DOUBLE-BARRELLED BENELLI... but with yer BUSTED UP arm...? you arent able to RAISE it in time to get off a SHOT.
he commences to FINISHIN the BEATING he started when he CAUGHT you comin up over the FIRE ESCAPE. pete, you managed to CUT that chain on the ROOF TOP access door -- but as SOON as you JIGGLE the handle you find yerself with an 18-inch length of REBAR stickin in yer THIGH. pullin out my knife here! climbin up onto the ROOF!!
REBAR
the REFRIGERATOR is on LADY MCGYVER with his ALUMINUM BAT like a COON DOG on POSSUM SICK.
crossbow trap, hoss. improvised from a set of LEAF SPRINGS, some GUY WIRE and DUCT TAPE. it SUNK about three inches into BONE - youll need HELP pullin it out.
NOW weve got ourselves a PARTY!! a HALF-DOZEN mayhem-men come POURIN out on the ROOF TOP of a building over YONDER and take up POSITION to fire on yall. sara, the FRIDGE jess cracked THREE of yer RIBS -- mark off six points.
makin a SLASHING attack on him, crutch! comin to help ya, sara! \m taking COVER behind one of those A.C. UNITS!
are you flippin KIDDING ME? \ got HIT with a piece of REBAR?
oh crap... we gotta get off this ROOF TOP folks -pullin out my HOWLER!
a few seconds after the TRAP goes off some ALARM BELLS start CLANGIN.
seriously. REBAR...?!
moments later... the LOBBED GRENADE goes off taking out FOUR FEET of BRICK and leavin a GAPIN hole in the WAREHOUSE ROOF! bob, you take some SHRAPNEL to the SHOULDER. gonna be a FOUR POINT WOUND!
patty, you UNLOAD a CLIP on the FRIDGE.
hes BLEEDIN like a STUCK PIG but he keeps on coming RIGHT at ya... lucky for you, BANGS had yer back. her CALLED SHOT to his head puts him down -- he stumbles BACK and falls through a a SKYLIGHT and DROPS out of sight. LUMPS those FOUR rounds passed GAAA! \ run for CLEAN through you -- you took 12 that points of damage but yer still up. STAIR CASE! runnin on PURE adrenaline.
reloadin here!
a few moments later still... pete, you HEAD SHOT the guy on that other roof. one of his BUDDIES picks up his MAC-10 and prepares to RETURN FIRE. LUMPS, yer lookin down that STAIR WELL and PUCKER UP.
you got a half-dozen GUNS two floors down WINDIN their way up.
YEESS!!
this is just great.
you INSIST on hanging around this STUPID TOWN and BURNING VALUABLE GAME TIME doing MUNDANE TASKS and ROLEPLAYING every little TRIVIAL THING like picking out the JUICIEST PLUM im BORED TO TEARS over here!! its like visiting my GRANDPARENTS!
B.A. Felton, Tales from the Vault #2, p. 27
42
um -- we better PULL OUT, guys. this was probably a BAD IDEA... PULL OUT? and just HOW the hell do you PROPOSE we do THAT? its a FOUR STORY building!! and that GRENADE took out the FIRE ESCAPE.
hey! this BAD IDEA was YOUR brain fart, SHADE II. remember? hitting the MAYHEMS from their UNDEFENDED top-side was your BIG PLAN. hrrmph - looks like the SHOT IN THE ARM was just a bunch of HOT AIR. no surprise there. hey, lets not play the BLAME GAME.
CRUTCH... callin a TIME OUT here. we need a GROUP HUDDLE.
a TIME OUT...? heh. this aint LITTLE LEAGUE, chief.
once a GUN FIGHT commences... its gotta ROLL to its CONCLUSION.
yeah, but we just...
aint gonna be no TIME OUT!! seriously?
thats just how it IS, hawg. once the fightin starts, EVERYTHING changes. ya pull up your BIG BOY pants and you EMBRACE it.
crap -- okay, heres the plan. we RUSH down that STAIR CASE before they can come up. bob, you take POINT. SECURE the first LANDING.
uh uh - NO WAY, JACK!! \ aint takin no POINT. \m LEAKIN BLOOD here -that COAX CABLE \ used for a TOURNIQUET ain cuttin it. besides, this is my FOURTH CHARACTER.
so...?
how you DEAL with it? thats where it COUNTS.
ME..
\m MOST wounded - \ll bring up the REAR.
so -- \ve only got ONE character left to PLAY before \ get BOOTED from the GAME thats what!!
thats right - FIVE CHARACTERS and cRUTCH rotates in a NEW PLAYER from the list.
wait. are you sayin DAVE...
um, guys -- we gotta do something. QUICKLY!! theres MORE mayhems coming out on that other ROOF and weve got NO COVER!!
well LEAD THE WAY, blondie. me...? um - \ve got a BROKEN ARM - not sure what GOOD \d be up FRONT.
dont look at ME... \ got a frickin piece of REBAR stickin out of my THIGH. \m really kind of LOW on ammo.
thats right. he got ROTATED and out. that but he sold me his...
\ paid...
good grief....
cmon, somebody STEP up! GEEZUS...
she says if we jump in well FLOAT safely down to her. why would she LIE to us? she gave us her NAME and that interesting little story about her BOYFRIEND.
Eddie Tank Ramirez, KODT Issue #150, I Believe, I Believe
43
well, my BERRETTA jammed. and this .38...? its a PEA SHOOTER really.
oh, now this is just PATHETIC. FOOLS RUSH IN, eh? until the EXIT ONLY sign starts FLASHING. lets compare wounds. least WOUNDED goes in!
no... this aint time to be COMPARIN NOTES or RUNNIN yer MOUTHS... clocks running!! \ wanna see some ACTION - and it better be QUICK.
fine... FINE!! if nobody ELSE has the BALLS to do it...
no ones EAGER to lose their SEAT \ suppose.
hey - \m not exactly SPRY on my FEET at the moment.
I GO IN
\m on FUMES.
a few moments later still... okay, look this way. hold it a little HIGHER. higher....
on the UP SIDE you DID take out TWO mayhems when your BODY knocked em down THREE FLIGHTS of stairs. you went out LARGE, shee - no SHAME in that.
GOOD! HOLD IT! NICE - yer gonna look REAL good on my SCREEN...
\m gonna have BUTCHs name tattooed on my ARM, shee.
finally... slammin that door and BARRING it with HER on the inside..? brian, \ thought she was gonna THROAT PUNCH you -- for REAL. we ALL may be following her -were STILL in a pickle.
okay, so whos gonna be NEXT on the list...? hey... she KILLED my brother.
dude.... seriously? \ have to RIDE home with her.
my THIRST for VENGEANCE demanded QUENCHING.
a-a-actually, sir, my character was the OFFSPRING of active PLAYER CHARACTERS and qualified for the GENE POOL METHOD as prescribed in the GMG. my mother was a HUMAN KNIGHT ERRANT. \ take after HER mostly. my father was a scampy HALF ORC THIEF who MEANT well but bounced from one FIX to the Dirk Zuggard, KODT Issue #59, The Mechanic
44
Fallen behind on reading Knights of the Dinner Table...? Need to COMPLETE your Collection? Looking for those HARD TO FIND back issues?
Dont fret Theyre all available at kenzerco.com and most can be had in digital format.
Playing it Safe
THE FOLLOWING DAY... dont FORGET shee... \ PROMISED, brian wed SWING BY and PICK HIM up. what? so \m his PERSONAL CHAUFFEUR now? hes got a VAN. why doesnt haul his OWN fat ass to the GAME? apparently he RAN over a SHOPPING CART out at the WAL-MART -- took his ENTIRE exhaust system out.
a SHOPPING CART? how the hell did he do THAT?
he SWALLOWED a BUMBLE BEE.
HE WHAT...?!!
exactly what \ said. dude, LEFT a can of MOUNTAIN DEW on the CONSOLE while he ran in to buy some FRUIT PIES. damn BEE climbed RIGHT in the can -- STUNG him on the LARYNX. the POOR bee.
well -- thank gawd this CRIME NATION nonsense will be OVER with soon... \m sorta ANXIOUS for our FRIDAY NIGHTS to return to normal. really SUCKS havin to go to the MOVIES alone. once again.
huh...? OVER...? whadda ya talkin about? my bad -- \ simply meant its almost over for YOU.
things are JUST starting to RAMP up.
thats all. have you HEARD something?
now why would you say that? SCRAPS is just fightin a little STAPH INFECTION is all. \ expect a FULL RECOVERY. sure, sweetheart. but he IS your FIFTH character. yeah. so...? well...
his NUMBERs bound to come up soon, bob. and when it does...?
-sputter- GEEZE LOUEEZE... thanks for the SUPPORT!! have a little FAITH in me - huh?
well, sad to say, youll be ROTATED out of the game. \m in this for the LONG HAUL, shee. which means we can get back to our normal FRIDAY ROUTINE... \ dont plan on my NUMBER comin up.
sure, bob. yer playin it SAFE and HANGING back -- \ GET that.
DATE NIGHT!!
MOMMY, MOMMY GET ME OUT OF HERE!!
Bob Herzog, KODT Issue #163, Wither Art Thou
46
cmon, bob -- its just you and ME here. when DAVE got rotated out and you REALIZED you were on your LAST MAN... you got a bad case of being CAUTIOUS.
just callin it the way \ SEE it - thats all. last session you lost your EDGE. you stopped taking point -letting OTHERS take the RISK. yeah, bob -- you were kinda playin it SAFE.
P-PLAYIN IT SAFE...
what the hell are you talking about?
-firp\ NEVER!! \m not JUDGING.
THATS NOT TRUE!!

YOU TAKE THAT BACK!!
oo00.. is that BASS in your voice?
HANGING BACK...
well thats good. glad to see the FIGHT in you hasnt COMPLETELY been SAPPED.
are you DELIBERATELY tryin to PUSH my buttons?
of course \ am -- so youll BURN OFF that last CHARACTER and ROTATE out.
\m sorry, sweetheart. truth is the others probably APPRECIATE you holding back and letting them SHINE. again, \m not judging. SUPPORTING ROLE..?!!! its just that... well..
theres nothing really wrong with playing a SUPPORTING ROLE.
\ always thought of you as the RISK TAKER.
you know -- the one who ALWAYS steps up and takes CHARGE? always the ONE in the THICK of THINGS.
why golly gee -- it LOOKS like hes moving his SOPWITH CAMELS into ATTACK FORMATION!!over the CAMPS in VIMY!! oh my isnt that where your HEADQUARTERS are LOCATED?!!!all those FAT little generals in one basket. tsk tsk tsk
Johnny Kizinski, KODT Issue #175, As the Stomach Turns
47
hey, what do \, know...? HEY - THATS EXACTLY WHAT \ AM!! just seemed like you were HANGING BACK last week. guess, \ was wrong. - no big deal. well, \ wasnt. OKAY? hey -- you dont have to convince me sweetheart. \m not PLAYING any longer -- remember? its what the OTHERS think that matters.
the OTHERS? wait - did somebody SAY something?
YOU HEAR...?!!!
you sayin DIFFERENT...?
oh -- WAIT! theres BRIAN.
see..? hes waiting on the CURB. just like \ said.
okay - you better SLOW DOW.... whoah - SHEE. yer SPEEDING up!!! SHEE..?!! what gives? oh, \ dunno. mechanical FAILURE...?
GAAA
SHEE...
y-you drove RIGHT PAST HIM!!! oh...? did, \...? hes DRENCHED!
g
what the hell....?
oops!
hey, BACK OFF, jack. DARTH VADER could dance CIRCLES around Q. you call that WUSS a proper VILLAIN!?
Nitro Fergueson, KODT Issue #97, pg. 75 filler
48
The Show Dawg

LATER THAT SAME DAY... hey PETE - whats with all those CHAIRS set up in the BACK ROOM...? \ only have SEVEN PLAYERS.
naaah, dawg -- you dont UNDERSTAND what \m sayin. there must be TWENTY FOLDING CHAIRS crammed in there...
theres hardly any room to MOVE ABOUT in there.
oh, right. \ PLUM forgot. theyre for the GAME whatta ya THINK theyre for?
huh? SPECTATORS...? f-for the GAME...? look \ve been MEANING to MENTION it... but hell, \ didnt figure youd mind.
MY GAME? oh no -- naaaa, dawg.

lose the CHAIRS. aint happening.
you may not REALIZE it, son but youre a SENSATION. a lot of CURIOUS people wanna see what all the FUSS is about.
\ had SQUIRRELY set up a few CHAIRS for SPECTATORS.
whoah... hold on now -- lets not be HASTY...
this is yer time to SHINE! besides -- youd be doing me a HUGE SOLID. \ got a PALLET of old out-of-print CRIME NATION product \ picked up on EBAY on the CHEAP. folks watchin you RUN the game might DRIVE sales.
\ jess wanna run my game, alright? \ dont need no LOOKIE-LOOS givin me...
oh - hey, little sister. hows it GOIN in there? \ came out to tell you NITRO and GORDO have FINISHED rolling up their CHARACTERS. good. did you CHECK em? to make sure they are ACCORDIN TO BOOK? \ did. theyre good to go.
\ aint no SHOW DAWG, hoss.
excuse me...
well -- \ got HOSED on build dollars this round. \ got hit with a $25,000 FINE for SPRAYING the CROWD with .50 CALIBER ROUNDS while tryin to take out newt
Stevil Van Hostile, KODT Issue #153, The Road to Hack
49
say... did LUMPS ever show up? brian...? nope. he hasnt. well -- alright. you can tell the OTHERS well START the game in a few.
as \ was sayn hoss. those CHAIRS need to go. ifn you could make that HAPPEN in the next FIVE minutes...
if its about folks DISRUPTIN things... \ll put up SIGNS sayin theres to be no TALKIN or GRAB ASSIN how would THAT be...?
\ will do that.
look, crutch... about those CHAIRS.
just LOSE the CHAIRS, hoss. alright? or do \ need to MIGRATE the game to NEW digs? glad to hear it. \m gonna grab a SMOKE.
\ hear GAMIN DICK has an old SCHOOL BUS set up behind his SHOP to run games in now. game starts in FIVE minutes. no, NO!! were good. the CHAIRS are gone.
well...?!! you HEARD the man, FUR BRAINS.
gather up those CHAIRS and put em back in the BASEMENT.
be quick about it.
hrooo.
oh and take the SIGN out of the WINDOW.
ya got NOBODY but yourself to blame there, gordo. NOBODY forced you to CLENCH that MATCH in you TEETH while NEWT lit it with a bullet.
Pete Ashton, KODT Issue #197, One-Two Punches
50
Rinse and Repeat

AN HOUR OR SO LATER...
thing is ya see -- \ had made ARRANGEMENTS... with a really GOOD FRIEND of mine to catch a RIDE to the game. only this FRIEND turned out to be a real JERK who left me STANDING by the...
yer LATE LUMPS!! and NOW yer interrupting MY game...
um, the names BRIAN...
\ dont wanna hear EXCUSES, lump. youre LATE and youve DISRUPTED my game.
and yeah..., ABOUT bein late.
yeah but \ wouldve been here cept for the fact...
but NOTHIN, straw dawg. \ done said \ dont wanna HEAR no excuses. weve already wasted ENOUGH time on it. just UNDERSTAND that you OWE me. \m sure you got a REAL GOOD ONE. dont be LATE again.
huh...? OWE YOU? \ dont understand. how do \ OWE you? \ owe you WHAT?
ut oh... he hit DAVE with this routine when HE was late.
routine? what routine?
just a little WRENCH \ borrowed from PATTYs GM toolbox, dawg. by MY watch -- lessee, you were an HOUR late to my TABLE -- give or take a few minutes. so the way, \ see it -- thats SIXTY-MINUTES you owe me. now ONE MINUTE of my time is worth right around FIVE E-PEES. so the NEXT 300 hundred E-PEES yer character EARNS...? THEYRE MINE!! \ll be RAKIN em off the TABLE to pay off yer debt. ouch! 5 e-pees? inflation strikes. used to be THREE! hey!! thats not FAIR!! @%%$#!! HAPPENS!!
you know what... yer right. maybe my TIME is worth a little more.
oooo - nice and TOUGH. \ think \ LIKE his style.
want \ should RE-CYPHER things a bit?
FELICIA DAY -- THATS WHO!!! she said HELLO BOYS and EVERYTHING!!
Gordo Sheckberry, KODT Issue #190, No Great Obstacle
52
from YOUR tool box, patty..? YOU came up with that? \ only USE it if a player doesnt CALL to say theyre running LATE or cant make it.
damn, dude - \m sorry. REALLY! y-yer blamin ME..?!!! \ dont know what got into SHEE. \ TRIED to get her to TURN AROUND but... SPARE ME, bob. please. you GROVELING isnt gonna stop whats COMING yer way. say what...? wait... was that a THREAT...? yeah, bob. \ think \ AM. \ had PLENTY of time to DWELL on it -- during my FOUR MILE stroll with my WET drawers CHAFIN my ASS!! cmon, dude. \ SAID, \ was sorry.
gee, \ dunno. WAS IT?
yeah, sure. whatever.
so whatd \ MISS...? did we FINISH with the UPGRADES to the ICE HOUSE..? shyaright -- we didnt have a CHANCE - the MAYHEMS hit us before we could even RECOVER from last sessions WOUNDS. you can say THAT again -- \ didnt even have a chance to WRING the blood out of my SOCKS!
so SOON...?!! were you able to get those FIFTY-CALS up on the ROOF? what about the WAREHOUSE..? tell me we DROPPED the shipment before... dude -- youre not listening. we BARELY made it back before they FIRE BOMBED the joint AND most of our CLIENTS!! they TAGGED the ENTIRE block. and the LINCOLN is toast!
they mustve FOLLOWED us back from the EAST SIDE.
yeah, well -- we were DISCUSSING that before you got here.
we were SPIT BALLING. one of the NEW GUYS was just pitching an IDEA of his own. new guys...? the NEW recruits! nitro and gordos pcs.
WHAT
they hit us on our HOME TURF...?!!
well weve got to HIT back -- they just HOSED the gang RESPECT POOL...!!!
TANNER MILE HIGH DRYSDALE!! at yer service.
RIVET TOWN...? were you with the CROTCH ROCKETEERS? dont be INSULTING. \ ran with the SOUTH COGS. can you SHOOT? is this a JOB interview?
\ was just askin.
YO! HOLMES!! XAVIER T. THORPE in the HOUSE!! my homies jess call me THE MOUTH. coz \ can BUST A RHYME like NOBODY. you FEELIN ME...?!!
like \ was just tellin yer CREW -- \m a NEGOTIATOR, yo! you DIG? \ WEAVE WORDS and bring MINDS together. its my SPECIALTY!! TURF WARS are a LOSERs GAME! um, the MOUTH over there thinks we should sit down with the MAYHEMS. sit down? you mean TALK?
\m a FIXER... just rolled in from RIVET TOWN.
fightin over TABLE SCRAPS aint no way to be -- we wanna be eatin at the TABLE with the BIG DAWGS!!
um, yeah. for the time being just continue as you have been. \ll make up a ROSTER and interview the candidates. um you can have the KID in the HIGH CHAIR by the way thats ONE \ can scratch off my list anyway.
Nitro Fergueson, KODT Issue #177, The Sit-Down
53
exactly, guys. look, while the MATADORS, the MAYHEMS and the OTHER small gangs are fighting for TABLE SCRAPS and BLEEDING themselves WHITE...
the BIG DAWGS are sittin back gettin FAT feedin both sides the GUNS and AMMO that keep the SAUSAGE GRINDER aturnin. hullo! DIP-WAD -- we TRIED sittin down and TALKIN to the MAYHEMS -- the bastards DOUBLE-CROSSED us!!
thats because thats ALL they know, guys. its WHAT gangs do. \m tellin ya -- SARAs plan to UNITE the smaller gangs was DEAD ON. we just have to take a LEADERSHIP role. BREAK THE CYCLE -- put in the HARD WORK!
oh -- now HOLD ON, brian. what hes saying has MERIT -- enough BLOOD has been spilled on BOTH SIDES, -- the MAYHEMS might be WILLING to consider a TRUCE. \ agree - were just HURTING each other -BUSINESS has ground to a halt.
*
hokay. THANKS.
well put that one in the SUGGESTION box.
then you get what \m sayin
NEXT!!
wheres the HARM in trying...? GORDOs run a LOT of CRIME NATION. he might bring a NEW PERSPECTIVE to things.
look guys, heres the DEAL -- \ put BEAUCOUP points into DIPLOMACY, FAST TALK, POLITICAL SAVVY and GOOD LISTENER. XAVIER is the HENRY KISSINGER of GANGDOM! sure GANGS wage WAR. but the truly SUCCESSFUL GANGS...? theyre the ones who have LEARNED the ART OF THE DEAL. to COMPROMISE so the BUSINESS of DOING BUSINESS gets done. let me go TALK to the MAYHEMS. \m tellin ya \ dunno about BORN XAVIER was BORN - MIN/MAXED maybe. for this ONE THING. maybe we should BAKE em a cake.
are you KIDDING me? TALK? with CRANKBOX...?!!! hes gonna see it as us wavin a WHITE FLAG. sure. maybe.
hold up guys. he may be ON to something.
let im THINK that.
look -- its WIN WIN. we send XAVIER here to go TUG the MEATLOCKER MAYHEMS collective EAR -- it just might SLOW their roll. ahhh -- \ see how yer thinkin. a little DISTRACTION eh? but what if they AGREE to a CEASE FIRE?
well... okay, MOUTH. looks like yer CENTER STAGE. GOOD LUCK.
YO!! thanks for GIVIN the NEW GUY this chance to REPRESENT...
IM ON IT
really...?!!
just WATCH OUT for a FELLA they have over there called the REFRIGERATOR.
BUY us \ OWE EM! BIG TIME! some TIME to then well for BUTCH LIGHTENING! and REGROUP. BANGS, JACK HAMMER I, II and III, BREAK IT.
TERRANCE THE KNIFE, and..
yer sending me IN..?!!
at a TIME of our CHOOSIN.
* See KODT# 198: Into the Meat Locker The Matadors reach out to the Meatlocker Mayhems to ally against the Clandestines.
between our AGGRESSIVE EXPANSION schedule and PATTER-FOOTS flingin themselves out of the TREES at me, \ve burned off every CHARGE on every magic item \ own -- \m feelin a bit EXPOSED.
Pete Ashton, KODT Issue #194, Huns on the Run!!
54
Walk On By
A WEE BIT LATER... crankbox puts TWO FINGERS to his lips and gives out a WHISTLE... at the END of the alley behind him a low-rollin armored JIMMY turns in -with two huge BRUISERS standin behind the CAB in the BED of the TRUCK! theyve got ELBOWS braced on the roof with a couple of SHOTGUNS aimed and at the READY!
up on the ROOF TOPS on BOTH sides of the alley... you see the SHADOWS of men SCURRYIN like RATS! the rachetin of the SAFTEY LEVERS and BOLTS on WEAPONS being worked, echo all AROUND ya.
its an AMBUSH...?!! classic! we were on our way to WAYLAY them and they were doing the SAME.
great -- looks like CRANKBOX had the SAME IDEA!! he used the PEACE TALKS as an OPPORTUNITY to make a MOVE.
CRANKBOX grins from EAR to EAR when he sees the LOOKS on yalls FACES -snortlike a FAT KID in a CANDY SHOP!! yer ol friend, REFRIGERATOR is standin RIGHT behind him. like a YARD DAWG tuggin at his LEASH -- slappin his BLOODSTAINED ball bat in the PALM of one hand. crutch, any UPDATE on the STATUS of my CHARACTER? \ was JESS gettin to that, SCOOTS.
you HALT about TWENTY YARDS away from CRANK and his WALL OF MEAT AND IRON... he HOLLERS out to ya... well, well, if it aint the MATA-WHORES!!! we GOT yer ERRAND BOYs message... what WAS IT, he SAID again...? \ just cant seem to RECALL... he SNAPS his FINGERS and REFRIGERATOR produces the HEAD OF XAVIER and STICKS it on the END of his bat for all to see.
g
REFRIGERATOR reaches up and RACHETS the heads JAW like a SOCK PUPPET. then does his BEST to PARROT, xaviers VOICE... oooh, oooh, mister CRANKBOX, sir? we dont wanna FIGHT no mo...! w-wait!!! t-they DECAPITATED me...?!! oh my...
GAAA
XAVIERS HEAD?!!
MOTHER of GAWD!!
crank cocks his NECK and puts a HAND to his ear. what was it you said to us, MOUTH...?!! MIND REPEATIN IT...?
oh no he didnt just do that...
heh - \ think they put a little something EXTRA in that HOOCH they TOASTED you with.
xavier doesnt talk like that!
oh, well, DONE, sir. WELL DONE!! thats going in my PLAYBOOK.
g-geezus...
* Crutch is using a sing-song voice here.

yeah -- \ dont think well have another EXPLOSIVE BOWEL incident in the WAREHOUSEwe slipped a couple of tablets in his HIP FLASK.
Bob Herzog, KODT Issue #175, As the Stomach Turns
55
huh...?!! y-yer makin me LEAVE...?!! okay, SCOOTS... gather up yer THINGS and LEAVE the table. you can go ROLL UP a new character, son. \ll work you back in jess as SOON as, \m able. -sniff- o-okay. does anybody have a BLANK character sheet, \ can borrow? youll find a WHOLE stack of em in the OTHER room.
we go through a LOT of em. \ set up a WORK STATION. plenty of spare pencils and what not... \ had SQUIRRELY put on a HOT POT of coffee jess before the game. kay.
tough break, gordy.
thanks, for the EFFORT.
a few moments later...
now the MAYHEM BOSS is pointin a FINGER at you and SHAKIN it the SLY GRIN is gone and he looks PISSED. yer DAYS in BAY CITY are OVER, MATA-WHORES!! you HEAR? it ENDS TODAY!! you dont have an ADDRESS here no more. now HERES how its gonna work yer LEAVIN!!
CRANKBOX snaps his FINGERS again. the FRIDGE gives the head an OVER-HAND TOSS toward ya.
it ROLLS like a LOP-SIDED BOWLING BALL down the ALLEY and RIGHT up to your FEET. comin up EYEBALLS -starin into the NIGHT.
your LIVES? they aint worth #@@!!& to me you can take THOSE with ya. but EVERYTHING ELSE...?!! weapons, ammo, money...?? THAT @#!!& BELONGS TO ME!!
jumpin bajeebers... this is CRAZY intense.
DAMN! -gulp-
wait a minute -- hes RUNNING us out of TOWN? shyaright -- who does he THINK he is...? apparently the GUY holding all the CARDS. well we aint COMPLYIN. are we? easy, guys, EASY! if hes FOOLISH enough to let us WALK... we LIVE to SETTLE the score another day.
excuse me, GURLS -- but CRANKBOX was still talkin... now yer gonna step up ONE at a time and DROP your weapons, ammo and money. RIGHT HERE at my feet! then yer gonna WALK across the HOLLISTER BRIDGE and OUT of BAY CITY.
you do the ODDS! \ think yer lookin at a TPK here, pete.
BUT BEFORE YOU DO....
PULL OUT? and just HOW the hell do you PROPOSE we do THAT? its a FOUR STORY building!!and that GRENADE took out the FIRE ESCAPE.
Sheila Horowitz, KODT Issue #199, Blaze of Gory
56
EACH of ya is gonna BOW DOWN and kiss the
KISS HIS BOOT

oh cmon!! you KNOW we cant do that!
\ aint DOIN it -- you HEAR?!! no way in HELL - hes tryin to HUMILIATE us. relax, dude.. hes just makin a SHOW of it for the BENEFIT of his men. important thing for NOW is stayin ALIVE!
TOE of my BOOT!
thats the PRICE of SAFE PASSAGE today. but you BESS be quick about it... the FAREs likely to CREEP up real QUICK like.
\ dont care -- \ aint kissinno BOOT!! SCRAPS bows down before NO MAN!! \ wouldnt worry about it, bob -- its just a BLUFF. just throw your crap down and FORGET the boot part.
oh...? you think so, LUMPY...? who wants to CALL his bluff...?
okay, folks... heres how were gonna do this. \m goin RIGHT down the line. no..?!!! lookin for COMPLIANCE here. hrrmmph. \ didnt THINK so. yer gonna WALK up, lay down your STUFF. then \ need to HEAR ya say yer KISSIN the BOOT. cmon, crutch. we all kiss the boot. okay? its done.
YOU..?!!
oh no -- were gonna do this MY way, hoss. \ REALLY need ya to say, \ KISS THE BOOT! well start with YOU, lady mcgyver. me..? oh... er. yeah, \, um...
\ guess \ do it...
nope sorry. \ actually NEED for you to say the words. cmon -- a little louder. \ KISS the boot. -sigh\ KISS the BOOT. very, good. you may PASS!! how bout you, little sister? hrrmmph... \ll be DAMNED if those words fall out of MY mouth!! -bad enough weve been PWNED - we have to have our NOSES rubbed in it...? \ cant BELIEVE this is happening.
\-\ kiss the boot.
how utterly \ really embarrassing. HATE this

BASTARD!
we took PRECAUTIONS. after EACH game \ take some DIGITAL PHOTOS to preserve all TROOP PLACEMENTS. \ started doing that after \ suspected PETE of CHEATING between turns.
Brian Van Hoose, KODT Issue #174, The Wheels of Justice
57
whats it gonna be, PETE...? \ need to hear you SAY it...
SERIOUSLY, CRUTCH..?!! is this ABSOLUTELY necessary? \m a GROWN ASS man!!
its your CHOICE, pete. you either COMPLY - or you dont. whats it gonna be...?
I KISS THE BOOT

alright...?!!!
well - what HAPPENS if \ just throw my STUFF down and just MOSEY on by? SUREST way of FINDIN out is to TRY it, old man. but theyll be no TAP BACKS. oh for the love of...
is he HAPPY..?!!
that brings us to YOU nitro... whats it gonna be...?
oh geeze... well, the SMART THING of COURSE would be to just go along with the GROUP -- but DAMN... my PRIDE just wont let me.
CRUTCH, \ walk up to the guy... \ THROW down my HOWLER .45, my WRIST BLADE and MONEY BELT. then \ stare him DEAD in the eye... then TURN AWAY and WALK OFF!
nicely played, VICTOR. CRANK begins to CLAP his hands. he yells out to his men, ya see that?!! now THERE walks a man who has some SAND. he wouldve made a DAMN GOOD, mayhem that man right there!
dammit -- really WISH youd said something, nitro. \da done the SAME THING!
sorry, guys but \ dont RECKON, tanner will be kissin any BOOT today. say what...? ha! \ KNEW it!
really? it was THAT easy?
oh and he pulls out his MAC 10 and pops a CAP in the BACK of your head as you WALK away. you DEFIED him in front of his MEN, dawg.
no SHAME in that CHARACTER DEATH, hoss. you can join, SCOOTS in the other room and COMMENCE to rollin up another one.
NEXT...
\-\m not sure \ WANT to. good lord...
DAAAAMN...
okay, it APPEARS the mans serious about the BOOT thing.
GAAAA!!! t-theres SPIDER LEGS comin outta that guys HEAD!!! GEEZUS DR. COOPER just got his HANDS chewed off!!! B-BY THAT GUYS CHEST!!
Bob Herzog, KODT Issue #184, Owning Up
58
The Last Stand

\..., um... \... okay, BOB. whats it gonna be -- CLOCKS tickin and CRANKBOX aint a PATIENT MAN oh geeze... \ just cant DO it. kiss his frickin boot..?!!
bob you GOTTA do it. CHOKE IT DOWN. \ SWEAR to you -- we WILL get our REVENGE. but we have to SURVIVE this moment in order to DO that.
it JUST goes against my GRAIN.
cmon, bob -- \ know that look. you dont want to SUICIDE yer character like NITRO did do ya?
last call, son. \ need to HEAR you say the words. whats it gonna be?
\ didnt really KISS it -- to be honest. was more of a PECK. didnt get all slobbery or nothing.
and dont forget, dude. this is your FIFTH character -- you BLOW THIS and you get rotated out. you dont think \ KNOW that...?!!!
well then... you KNOW what you HAVE to do.
you know what...? `
B-BOB...
WHATTA YA DOIN..?!!
\m RUNNIN right at CRANKs ass!! \m hopin \ SURPRISED em for a FEW SECONDS worth of FREE ACTION. after FIFTEEN STEPS or so, \ execute a Shoulder roll.
SCREW THIS..
they may TAKE ME OUT but DAMMIT - \m takin CRANKBOX with me!! \ start walkin forward. and when \m about TWO-THIRDS the way there?
\m TAKIN CHARGE of my OWN FATE!! thats what --GOIN to a PLACE where you COWARDS cant follow!
while doing that \'m gonna burn off FIVE POINTS of RESPECT and put it toward DOUBLE-DRAWING my TWO PISTOLS! that should knock it down from a SITUATIONALLY DIFFICULT action to CHALLENGING. \m gonna BURN another TEN POINTS of respect to get a +5. \m attemptin to COME OUT of my shoulder roll in a CROUCHED upright position with BOTH GUNS raised.
-sho o -sho kaoka-
\ start SPRINTIN!
every nook and cranny of my CAB was packed with C4 EXPLOSIVE -set off by a BUMPER TRIGGER upon impact. \ pull the cord on my ROCKET POWERED EJECTION SYSTEM -- \m jettisoned some 500 feet into the sky! my HANG GLIDER harness is automatically DEPLOYED. \ll sail GRACEFULLY down
Brian Van Hoose, KODT Issue #153, Pedal to the Metal
59
CRIMINEY, BOB!! well, \ll be... yer HOSIN yerself!! youre TANKIN yer RESPECT? you were almost a MADE MAN!! you dont GET it, pete... \m GOING OUT, LARGE!! there aint no CHANCE of me SURVIVING this. heh -- there aint no CHANCE in your gettin off this SHOT! minus 8? crap! cmon, bob.
you can do it!
-sho o -sho kaoka-
way to REACH, deep, bob - \m IMPRESSED.
go ahead and make an AGILITY CHECK to see ifn you MANAGE to FREE those guns when you come out of that ROLL.
with a MINUS 8 modifier!!
-sho oka-sho oka-
one roll later...
\ came up with BOTH GUNS raised and the SAFETYS on OFF!! \ aint takin time to AIM, crutch!
YEEESSS
IM SNAP-FIRING
at CRANKBOX with my DOUBLE EAGLE in my RIGHT HAND... and at REFRIGERATOR with my HOWLER in the OTHER! thats my OFF-HAND so \ll have an ADDITIONAL -4 to-hit against him. good luck, bob. make it COUNT, son! so -8 on the ONE shot. -12 on the other, bob. no way.
\m dumpin my LAST TEN POINTS of RESPECT on the shot on CRANK! that should bring it up some to a MINUS 5.
I MADE IT
believe it or not - \d like to see you MAKE these shots, hoss. when yer READY...
BREATHE, BOB - dont get all TENSED UP - keep that WRIST limber. GET a GOOD arc!
you LITERALLY have ONE SHOT at this bob -- then ALL hells gonna BREAK LOOSE. BETTER MAKE IT GOOD!! whatta ya doing?
\ dont think \ can WATCH -my STOMACHs in KNOTS! oh my -- if he MAKES that shot. can you IMAGINE? heh! goin out in a BLAZE OF GLORY!
geezus, guys. yer KILLING ME. \ cant THINK!!
take the SHOT already.
say does CO-GM come with a HAT or a BADGE or something?
Dave Bozwell, KODT Issue #190, Road Scholars
60
this is a JOB for a couple of NAMED DICE. think \ll go with THE BLISTER for the DOUBLE EAGLE.
BLISTER...? you SURE about that...? alright -\m gonna roll \ KNOW my dice, dude. HISTORICALLY, hes a PINCH-ROLLER. one GOOD ROLL in im burstin to get out and then hes THROUGH for the session. and FREDDY likes reachin for those LONG SHOTS - maybe hell work some of his magic. good choices. good luck, dude.
-sho o -sho kaoka-
BOTH SHOTS
at the same time, CRUTCH!
and lessee.
CRACKLIN FREDDY for the HOWLER.
DEATH TO THE MAYHEMS

cMON BOYS!!!
huh...? whered they GO..?!!
WHERE ARE MY DICE...
OWW
that HURT like a SUNUVABITCH!! \ think one LANDED down there!
WHERE..?!!! do you SEE it?!!
\ think one HIT my leg and BOUNCED that way!
well -- looks like ONE of em ENDED UP under the table on THIS end.
whoah, whoah WHOAH!! dont READ it, GIRLS!! nor the OTHER ONE, guys!
\ WANT ALL EYES ON ME...

RIGHT here -- HEADS UP!!
yep - looks like FREDDY.
alright, bob -- you got STRAY ROLLERS on the floor. you gotta make a DECISION. take the RESULTS as they LIE.. or RE-ROLL EM.
\ cant read the RESULT.
hmmmm... is that a...
\ need an answer - NOW!
re-roll, bob! its a BAD OMEN!!
were pickin up GORDO on our way out of townitll be NICE havin company and an EXTRA driver to help out. \ jess cant SLEEP when squirrelys behind the wheel.
Pete Ashton, KODT Issue #140, Hit The Road Jack
61
BUNDLES OF TROUBLE!
38+ Volumes in all -- Each bundling 3 or 4 classic issues of KODT between TWO covers.
The perfect way to catch up on all those OUT OF PRINT back issues you may have missed.
TALES FROM THE VAULT

These hefty volumes compile all those hard to find KNIGHTS OF THE DINNER TABLE strips that have appeared outside the comic book throughout the years. Ripped from the pages of SHADIS, Dragon and RIFTERS magazine among other places. FIVE VOLUMES in all. Available at GAME and COMIC SHOPS everywhere!! Cant Find Them? Then go to www.kenzerco.com
\m sorry, bob. oh geeze... this ones a FIVE. -sigh\ should REROLL... but my GUTs tellin me to TAKE EM. my EYEs all WATERIN up here - damn. \ dont SEE the OTHER ONE.. maybe it rolled... wait! \ SEE it - JUST under your chair. well..., \ dont see it either.
dont MOVE yer FOOT...
can you READ IT?!!
you MISSED the FRIDGE. what about the other one...?!!
oh gawd -whats it say? \ NEED this one... you guys have NO IDEA how much \ NEED this one!!
hold on... its a little DARK down here... \ THINK it might be a...
what is it, girl?!!
YEEEES YEEES
GOOD SHOOTIN TEX!! way to do it!!
HOODY HOO
I SHOT THE
BASTARD
it is.... yer CRITTIN me!!
A NAT 20!!
you hit CRANK BOX square between the EYES!!

hes KNOCKED BACK like a ROCK into the arms of the REFRIGERATOR deader than COOTIE BROWN!! the MAYHEMS are caught off guard and in a bit of SHOCK. you got maybe 5 seconds still to EXPLOIT. holy crap! CRANKs down? and here WE are without any WEAPONS! CRUTCH -- \ didnt PAUSE to see where my SHOTS went!! -- \m back on my FEE T and sprinting FORWARD AGAIN! go, bob, GO!!!
the THUG behind the cab of the JIMMY DOES gets a SHOT off at ya, though. his BEAD was off... but the DEER SLUG still strikes you just above the BELT on the left side!
to the tune of TWELVE POINTS!
wonderful!
make a THRESHOLD OF PAIN check!!
\ am no longer your FRIEND. \ am not your BUDDY. and MOST importantly, \ am NOT your DAD.\ am the GAMEMASTER!! tears do not MOVE me WHINING AND POUTING are POWERLESS. \ am IMMUNE! kaley, sweetheart. daddys talking.
Nitro Fergueson, KODT Issue #174, The Last Great Hope
63
HAAA!! \ MADE IT! \m still UP and RUNNIN!!
then \m gonna try and do a HAND VAULT over the CAB and do a FLYING TACKLE on those two GUNMEN! rollin AGILITY!!
several rounds later... you HIT the guy in the SHOULDER, hoss. he falls back into the BED of the truck SCREAMING in pain -- but his BUDDY is on you like MONKEY STINK~~ he gets you in a HEAD LOCK from behind and is tryin to SNAP yer neck! meanwhile the DRIVER of the JIMMY panics and FLOORS the pedal. both YOU and your attacker need to make AGILITY CHECKS to remain STANDING in the bed!
goodness!
\ SPRINT forward and RUN UP the body of CRANK in REFRIGERATOR arms!!
look at him go! SPRING BOARDING onto the HOOD of that JIMMY!
hes a MACHINE!
GAAA!!
a few rounds later still.
jess not yer day, LADY MCGYVER. youre JUST about to grab hold of your MAC 10 when a SIZE 13 BOOT plants itself on your HAND and GRINDS DOWN. you LOOK up and see the FRIDGE taking a TWOHANDED swing for the FENCES at yer HEAD!! this is gonna hurt!
pete, the SMOKE clears from that CROTCHED grenade you TOSSED theres a HOLE in that WALL of MAYHEM MUSCLE that were layin down fire on yall. but its closin quick!
bob you managed to MULE KICK the guy off the BACK of the speeding truck -- the oTHER guy draws a KNIFE!
runnin for that WEAPON PILE! and \m a ZIG ZAGGIN!
\ try KNOCKIN the KNIFE away with my JAMMED howler! firing on semi auto!!
\m RUNNING up to grab my weapons!
ke-sha ke a h -s
as the battle unfolds... the DRIVER of the JIMMY is CAREENING down the ALLEY... hes SLAMMIN the sides of the TRUCK up against DUMPSTERS, ABUTMENTS and anything ELSE he can hit in an attempt to KNOCK you out of the bed, bob. patty, you DIVE for cover behind the GARBAGE TRUCK but yer a little too slow -- the RPG goes off and the BLAST sends you FLYING -- you catch some SHRAPNEL in the GUT! doh! falling back here takin cover!
the TRUCK BED is SLICK with BLOOD and the BODY of the GUY you just CHOKED to death is slidin BACK and forth -- it KNOCKS yer FEET out from under you bob. ROLL to see if you REMAIN in the BED as the TRUCK veers around the corner.
LUMPS a couple of MAYHEMS have targeted you and are moving in.
what the
FRICK!!
after being HIT in the face with another round of PHANTASMAL-FISTS from brians STAFF OF LUCKY STRIKES the FROST GIANT decides hes had enough. he RUNS across the burning FOOT BRIDGE and ESCAPES. look -- he GRACEFULLY DEER-HOPPED over the GAPS and FLAMES. deal with it.
B.A. Felton, KODT Issue #169, The Past that Never Was -- Part 7
64
LATER STILL... \ DONT BELIEVE IT!! \ made it... AGAIN!!! HAAA! \ might actually SURVIVE this!!! yer runnin on PURE adrenaline, hoss -- the blood is just POURING down your chest soaking yer TROUSERS! meanwhile back in the ALLEY, pete the FRIDGE has you by the SCRUFF of the neck with one hand and by the ANKLES with the other. hes using you like a BATTERING RAM trying to PUNCH a hole in a brick wall. when he TIRES of that he TURNS his attention back to PATTY. LITTLE SISTER, you try crawlin away but the FRIDGE steps on your ENTRAILS and pulls you OUT from under the CAR.
CRUTCH, \ should REACH our van this TURN -\ got the KEYS in my HAND.
yer pretty SHOT UP, lumps but you manage to PULL yerself up into the VAN and get it started. you throw it in gear and pull away JUST as the MAYHEMS who were PURSUIN ya CLEAR the alley. \ reach in the GLOVE BOX and apply a shot of MORPHINE - \m BLEEDINOUT but that should BUY ME 1d5 minutes before \ PASS OUT!
sorry, bob... like \ said, this LOW-RIDIN JIMMY has been MODIFIED. theres 16 GAUGE steel mesh wire SPOT WELDED across the GLASS.
\m hittin the POWER LOCK button before \ GET THERE!!
crutch, \ try KICKIN in the BACK GLASS of the CAB so \ can get at that DRIVER!
\m headin for the NEAREST ER!
crap! in the FIGHT of my life and here \ am with a JAMMED GUN and no BACK-UP! \ dont want to RISK jumpin...
oh it makes him SLOW DOWN alright... the JIMMY starts CAREENING, goes up on the CURB taking out a LIGHT POLE. the DRIVER over corrects and BRINGS it about with a HARD RIGHT. smashing RIGHT into the front of a LAUNDRY MAT.
okay -- \ CLIMB up on the CAB and start SMEARING the WINDSHIELD with my BLOOD to OBSCURE the DRIVERS vision.
you FLY head first over the CAB - slidin across a FOLDING TABLE and BOUNCING off a CHANGE MACHINE before CRASHING into a bank of WASHING MACHINES. have \ come to yet? this is brutal.
\m puttin a BULLET in my BRAIN PAN!
GAAAA!! \ AVERT my EYES!! got it FLOORED here!!
that outta make him SLOW DOWN!
A BIB?!! for YOUR information its an official HACKMASTER GAMER SMOCK!! whats wrong with you? theyre all the RAGE!! \ ordered THREE!! you put one of THESE babies on and suddenly EVERYONE knows yer game -- and that you mean BUSINESS
Eddie Ramirez, KODT Issue #178, A Total Smock
65
and FINALLY... you PASS OUT just as you make the PARKING LOT, lumps. you HIT the front doors of the HOSPITAL at FIFTY-EIGHT MILES an hour and end up OVERTURNED in the LOBBY. bob, the DRIVER doesnt have much TROUBLE following yer BLOOD TRAIL into the BASEMENT -- he finds you HIDING in the HAMPER. \m wearin a MEDICAL TAG, crutch. got my BLOOD TYPE and other DATA on it!
it was a DAMN GOOD, run, bob -- you got NOTHIN to be ASHAMED about. me neither, bro - me neither.
\ APPEAL to his SENSE of FAIR PLAY!
at least \ didnt KISS no boot!
A FEW MINUTES LATER... okay... just a LITTLE HIGHER... SARA -- could you MOVE in just a SMIDGEN...?
there!! HOLD IT!
TWENTY MINUTES LATER...
my... THAT was quick.
everything, go okay?
\d BARELY walked in the DOOR and was ABOUT to shower when you CALLED.
oh dear... \ dont wanna TALK about it - alright..? can we just GO? your NUMBER came up... didnt it?
aaah, POOR THING. \m sorry.
dont be DOWN, sweetheart. you know -- its STILL early... we can have DATE NIGHT!!
\ did have an idea for FLOATING DICE. you know -- for ROLLING up characters in the BATHTUB.
Waco Bob Forsey, KODT Issue #97, Miracle-On-Demand
66
Psssst!! Hey Bud

The FUN doesnt have to stop just because youve FINISHED reading the LATEST issue of KNIGHTS OF THE DINNER TABLE. TABLE
Just hop onto our website where youll find online KODT strips, hard-to-find back-issues, KODT Trivia, FREE DOWNLOADS and much MORE! Youll also discover our online DISCUSSION BOARDS where over TWO-THOUSAND fellow KODT Fans hang out and rub elbows.
its the NUMBER ONE website for KODT FANS. cmon -where ELSE are ya gonna go?
What are you waiting for? www.kenzerco.com

A Celebration of Games and the People Who Play Them
Just finished reading it from cover to cover and all I have to say is it was EPIC!!
Click Here for more information...
B.A. (Boris Alphonzo not Bad Attitude or Bozo as his schoolmates called him) Felton is a devoted GameMaster, loyal to his group and the game known as HackMasterTM. In his 30s, he still lives with his mom, but this has given him the time to perfect his craft. To make money, he drags himself away from his game designs to work the graveyard shift at the local Pizza-Go-Go. In his early years, B.A. played a Gnomish thief named Tar Markvar, a character fate frowned on, whose wit outshone his wisdom to the day of his death. B.A.'s college career of anthropology and history study didn't last long; he dropped out to pursue his dream of being a game designer. He spent his life savings of $6000 into developing and producing his first independent game, DAWG: the RolePlaying GameTM. Unfortunately, the game failed and bombed; B.A. believes to this day the game didn't sell due to a negative review in WatchDog Gamer magazine (run by Nitro Furgueson). This was too much for B.A., who suffered a nervous breakdown and gave up gaming. A few years later, the sound of rolling dice called to him once more - he began gaming again and founded the Knights Of the Dinner Table. At their peak, the KODT boasted a membership of 26; in the following years, membership has fluctuated and now dropped to a steady five. B.A. has always tried to push the envelope both in features, description and imagination. The first adventure he ran as a GM was "The Hordes of Dark Devastation". Swiftly moving from pre-generated shelf adventures to his own adaptations and creations, he inflicted ran his first home-brewed adventure "It's A Rocky Road To Frankenstein's Castle" - the HackMaster adaptation of "The Rocky Horror Picture Show", while Bob and Brian were the only Knights. His innovations didn't stop there - successfully mixing incompatible systems, employing the most intense game aids or taking his group into the 21st Century with GM aids and player systems are samples of B.A.'s dedication. Granted, not every one of his experiments is a complete success; sometimes the role of a GM must fly in the face of available facts. But his hard work, his innovations, his time at the HackMasterTM Academy and his willingness to spread the joy of HackMasterTM to new players or new GameMasters give proof of B.A.'s caring, love and dedication to the phenomena that are Gary Jackson's HackMasterTM and the KODT. It hasn't always been easy for B.A.; his great work isn't always appreciated - or without dangerous incident either. Although B.A. has had some glorious moments, one of the darkest moments - for himself and for the Knights - was the day he chose to quit when fellow/competing GM Earl Slackmozer moved into the county and cheated to win the respect that was rightfully B.A.'s; and yet in the end, B.A. and the Knights won through. With a slice of pizza in one hand and the notes for his adventure with a home-brewed system, B.A. keeps the thoroughly welldeserved title... of GameMaster of the Knights Of the Dinner Table. The preferred system for B.A. and the Knights is GaryTM JacksonTM's HackMaster, with its derivative supplements, SpaceHack! and Cattlepunk.
b.a.
FELTON
Sara Felton is the exception that proves the rule. Where the rest of the Knights Of the Dinner Table are the fire, heart and soul, Sara is the cooler, wiser head of the group, the perfect foil to their impetuousness - a consummate professional in the business of HackMasterTM. Moving from Wisconsin to Muncie, the home town of her cousin B.A., led her to an invitation to join the Knights. The wealth of experience she brought to the Table was more than anyone expected - role-playing for ten years, regional champion of the Wisconsin Gary Jackson Role-Playing Tourney for four years running and attended the HackMasterTM camp in 1992 (spending ten days studying demi-human cultures). Sara even stretches to the role of GameMaster with ease, her latest triumph being convincing a bunch of sexist Hack'N'Slash maniacs to put aside their usual characters for a night and play female characters, warming her up for an upcoming GaryCon. Sara is quite the perfectionist; for her, the art of HackMasterTM and role-playing is more of a science to be carefully and properly executed, whether in the playing, GameMastering or even tasks such as mere mapping. Her roleplaying is technically near-perfect, with her ability to either suppress or use her personal feelings to enhance her roleplaying. She has earned her respect - not only from the people
who live in the many worlds of HackMasterTM, but even from the most impossible taskmasters of the game - the Knights Of the Dinner Table. Sara has reflexes that would scare a striking cobra. Those instant reflexes, however, are generally used for only one thing around the table. The second someone makes a sexist comment, Sara's hand is tightly gripped on their shirt, pulling them into range of the fist she has cocked and ready to launch into the face of the offender. Unless a sexist comment has been made, Sara maintains her cool at all times. Sure, she regrets the loss of her favorite character Zayre the Barbarian, but she keeps the perspective that Zayre was just a fictional construct defined by numbers on paper. A cool, calm professional, Sara is ready to move on with her expertise in the game that is HackMaster.
sara FELTON
The almost perfect phrase to describe Brian van Hoose is "idiot savant" - minus the idiot bit. A young lifetime of devotion to his computer hobby has instilled in Brian the precision required to make him what he is today - a walking, talking, nearly perfect, unstoppable, organic HackMasterTM machine, living and breathing The Game. Brian's early computer hobby developed into running his own Internet connected BBS, a hobby that helps support him. His other means of financial support comes from the - again, very precise - hobby/business of miniatures, painting and selling. Mindful of the economics of the situation, a van Hoose painted miniature comes in three styles of increasing quality and price: Slop-N-Go, Table-Top and Museum Qualities. His other hobbies include his beloved Fantasy and Science Fiction TV shows and novels (note the Babylon 5 mural painted on his van or his Green Lantern t-shirt). Then again, he also claims to have been abducted by aliens. Which way the therefores go on that one, nobody is sure. His personal life obviously reflects the flaw points which balance his otherwise precise life-style. Outside the Knights, personal expression is one of Brian's weaker points. Brian himself is a quiet, withdrawn man, apparently barely capable of stringing three words together into a clear sentence. For that matter, Brian also - in spite of a decent tenor singing voice - appears to be so unnerved by the idea of having to sing he breaks out in hives. Brian's Armor of Reticence, however, has its weaknesses. Once shattered, the resultant explosion is terrifying and usually leads to the table being picked up and flipped over in a mad rush of blind rage. Brian is also quick to defend himself - when B.A.'s 82 year old grandfather had a flashback and attacked Brian "the Japanese sniper", Brian defended himself admirably... or at least it was fairly admirable until Pappy Felton crawled from the room and Battle-Rage Brian dragged him back in by the ankles. And all the gawds in all the heavens help you if you mention something like Alexis to him now (Alexis? His make-believe girlfriend.). His home would be declared a biohazard if ever inspected by the appropriate health authorities - scary, furry green things growing in the refrigerator, dust that scares asthmatics into fits and a bizarrely adhesive substance on the floor of the bathroom. Best not to ask. Brian's devotion to and mastery of HackMasterTM is unparalleled, possibly superior to any other single person in the history of HackMasterTM. Owner of what is probably the most complete collection of HackMasterTM manuals, articles and supplements outside the offices of Hard8TM, the purpose of the manuals in Brian's case is simply to provide proof for others - Brian himself is an living, breathing encyclopdia, a repository for virtually every rule, line, table or piece of HackMasterTM information there is, down to the footnotes and page numbers, letter perfect. His calculations of remaining hit points, ratios, percentages, probabilities, experience or saving point values, body weights and statistics put Seymour Cray to shame. In recent history, Brian has never been seen to act as a GameMaster. In spite of his astonishing HackMasterTM ability, his Third Place Award in the Saginaw RPG Tourney of 1978 and the fact that he himself introduced B.A. to HackMasterTM, Brian underwent a terrible trauma at GaryCon'89, some terrible, mysterious event that caused him to actually give up role-playing for almost a year. Fortunately for the institution of role-playing, Brian recovered and went from strength to strength from there - except for the fact that Brian never acts as a GM anymore. Brian's training is, of course, supplemented by his attendance at the 1987 and 1993 HackMasterTM camp (at which he attended the same ten-day demi-human culture classes and was awarded a badge for his Orc-speak prowess. His other great service to the world of HackMasterTM was his proposal of the Gamer Achievement Awards, a concept he is now developing with the help of Bob and Dave. Brian proposed the GAA to the Gary Jackson Academy Of Role-Playing, designed to be worn beneath convention name tags and at other formal gaming events. But Brian's phenomenal mastery of HackMasterTM isn't the only feature that makes him a terrifyingly good player - the other factors are his ruthlessness, tactical cunning and his ability to exploit any shoddy rule.
brian VAN HOOSE
Brian's frightening cunning showed itself when he: Killed the Vampire lord Vardania armed only with a wooden stake, sacrificing himself to save his comrades - whilst being a first-level character Saved the entire crew of the HackCruiser Warmonger from untimely death at the hands of space-pirates with his knowledge of mass-transporter systems and explosives Saved the party from being slaves of Rot Gut the Swack-Iron Dragon by tricking it into polymorphing into a dung beetle Tricked B.A. into running a HackMaster game when the party should have been playing SpaceHack Took over the entire town of Muskeegie in CattlePunk
Rescued the entire party from imprisonment and execution with his Teleportation ring Created the Warmonger Science Officer Brian's characters have included: Crimson Lotus, Black Lotus & Benny the Mage in the ongoing KODT HackMaster adventures Shotgun Billy and Big Jim Murdock in CattlePunk The Leader of the Green Empire of Asia in Risque The Warmonger's Science Officer in SpaceHack Nigel Molenski in HackNoia A Caped Crusader in Heroes And Zeroes
johnny KIZINSKI
Johnny Lucky Kizinski was one of the original members of the Knights of the Dinner Table Gaming Club. He was highly respected by the other members for his gaming style and dedication to the game. He is mostly remembered, however, for his incredible luck with the dice and his uncanny habit of coming up with the right results at the right time. Mention his name around any gaming table in Muncie, Indiana and youre likely to hear the sad refrain, the boy could play! Johnnys story has an unhappy ending however. One night during a power session of CattlePunk, his luck ran out. He fumbled consecutively FIVE times, failed four saving throws, and missed twelve to-hits over the course of the evening. As a result four high level player characters met their demise. Johnnys unlucky streak haunted him in the weeks that followed and he eventually lost interest in the game and hung up his dice bag. He later moved out of state and now manages a Big Juices in Wisconsin.
Bob Herzog is one of the world's last true gamers, a living embodiment of Gary Jackson's rallying cry, "the game must go on!". Still living with his parents and watching soaps, Bob's devotion to the game is unflagging and unquestionable; even when his temper and sharp tongue lose him several jobs, regardless of societal, peer or parental pressure, no sacrifice or hardship is too great for Bob and the game. Bob's role-playing adventures away from the table are further testament. Rope burns, a $500 dentist bill and a temporary makeover were just entrees. Bob's crowning glory was the nationally publicized Furgueson's Folly - a boy scout troop's eight day foray into the steam tunnels of Muncie led by none other than the Lord of Steam, Nitro Furgueson.In that week, Bob looked death in the face and lived to tell the tale, leaving a big piece of himself in those sewer tunnels. Great Hack'n'Slasher that Bob is, his strengths do not lie in GameMastering or adventure writing, as evidenced by his earlier attempts after watching The Wizard of Oz and once mapping a dungeon after the design of his own house. Bob's most touching quirk is his devotion to those blessed tools of the RolePlayer, his dice. Bob's dice collection is one of the largest known in Muncie, especially his pride and joy, the lucky ten-sider. His attachment to his favorite polyhedron was most evident when it was lost at a local convention; Bob's "Have you seen this die" poster campaign became an unavoidable feature of nearly every vertical surface at the Ball State Campus. But Bob's dice fetish goes beyond mere love; when Nitro dared touch Bob's dice, Bob lost it and quote "went medival on Nitro's ass" unquote. Bob's devotion to the game was most evident in what may have been the second darkest age of the KODT - the day Bob's dad (an adjuster for Hoe And Harness Farmer's Insurance) saw a 60 Minutes Special on HackMaster, searched Bob's room and found Bob's HackMaster manuals. On that day, Bob's dad forced him to get a real job and banned Bob from gaming. A comrade had fallen and the Knights had to play for Bob who could not. For weeks, the Knights played with a succession of substitutes, including the Gamer Temp Corps's Ty Ferfel, the young and unsocial Newt Forager and a succession of other... erm... players. In the end, it was only quick thinking on
bob HERZOG
Bob's part that allowed him to return to the Table. Unfortunately, the tightly stretched web of far-fetched lies and damning deceit was torn when Dave was spotted alive and well by Bob's dad. In the end, all the precautions came to naught and Bob's dad discovered Bob's game again. A deal was made - if Bob could maintain a steady job following in his father's footsteps as an adjuster for H&H Farmer's Insurance, Bob could continue the game. Although this has damaged his dream of becoming a professional role-player, it has also strengthened Bob's intense need to hack and slash. Bob's most famous and favorite character is the one and only Knuckles the Sixth, King of the Wall Climbers. Knuckles is a dwarven thief/fighter with a braided beard, brandishing a crossbow or axe, wearing studded leather armor, a hooded cape and a ring on the middle finger of his left hand. Knuckles's back is tattooed with arcane symbols, imprinted on his flesh by the hand of (Brian's mage) Teflon Billy, making Knuckles one of Teflon Billy's two walking, talking emergency spellbooks. Although the opportunity doesn't come up often, Knuckles is also a gourmet chef (with a 75% proficiency in gourmet food preparation). It takes a moment to notice his left leg - instead of a leg of flesh and blood, it appears to be a wooden leg, made of fine blood-wood, adorned with ivory inlays and gilded with pure gold. Knuckles was unjustly sentenced to losing his left leg (hacked off at the knee) as punishment for the murder of a beggar in Lord Gilead's city of Fangaerie. Before they left the city, the party's torch-bearer Knobby Foot found the legendary Wooden Leg of Dwarven Pirate Sturm Pyre at the Fangaerie Bazaar. Knuckles's favorite steed is Mike the Dwarven Warhorse, successor to Door Stop. Bob/Knuckles values Mike very highly - not only as a companion or beast of burden, but also as an effective lethal weapon. Bob's/Knuckles's second favorite weapon is his Axe of Doom. The Axe is second only to his favorite weapon - found by Shadow Pete in the Halls of the Mountain Mage, the Crossbow of Doom has been handed down to Knuckles and is his constant companion of chaos which he uses with various bolts, including the Bolt of Torment, +6 Bolt of Despair, +8 Bolt of Devastation, Bolt of Reaving, Bolt of Thrashing and the Bolt of Skewering. When the Knights made the switch to being sponsored by Kenzer and Company, Bob and Dave nearly didn't make it - the brass were considering losing the Dangerous Duo and replacing them with a pair of power-gamers. In the end, an impassioned plea by B.A. and Sara saved them from grisly fates as temps in the Gamer Temp Corps or as miniature painters. most fearsome, unstoppable force for swift and deadly justice in the HackMasterTM polyverse, a mighty HackMaster +15 (Batteries not included).Dave's attachment to his HackMaster +12 is almost like no other when faced with the possibility of finding the Pommel Stone of Vlad'neer (see above), Dave's response was a simple and profound expression of joy. The only other time Dave has ever expressed such astonishment was when the Knights played an April Fool's joke on Dave, making him think that his HackMaster +12 had been destroyed by a curse. Since becoming such a devoted player Dave has, of course, tried his hand at being a GameMaster. His success can be summed up very simply. The only element of the HackMasterTM polyverse that Dave could love as much as his HackMaster +12 was his faithful mount. Not his good steed the horse Clover-Flax, his equine companion - but Clover-Flax's predecessor, Chelsie. Chelsie began life as a cow peacefully munching grass in a field near a palace/castle of an evil lord. It was Dave/El Ravager's finely honed instincts that led to the discovery of this seemingly innocuous cow's incredible properties. Even though Dave/El Ravager took the best care he could of the bovine she ran away, taking the to-hit bonus Dave was sure she gave El Ravager with her. Dave's most famous character is, of course, El Ravager the HackMaster +12-wielding human Fighter. It bears mentioning that El Ravager's back is tattooed with arcane symbols, imprinted on his flesh by the hand of (Brian's mage) Teflon Billy, making El Ravager one of Teflon Billy's two walking, talking emergency spellbooks.
From humble beginnings, Dave Bozwell has embraced role-playing with a passion, empathy and loyalty worthy of awards, rarely matched in the many worlds of HackMasterTM. As a welcome break from his Ball State U. courses of cultural anthropology and dance theory, Dave was introduced to role-playing by Bob in the days when B.A., Bob, Johnny Kizinski and Brian were the only Knights. In his rebel years, Dave was the sort of guy who'd paint the words "IN THE NADS" on the side of a water tower and risk his "life" saving a Paintball-War Buddy, paving the way for the on-the-edge, boredwith-tiny-details, true-blooded, hungry-for-victory Hack'n'Slasher that he was to become. His introduction to the subtleties and intricacies of HackMasterTM was an historic, solemn moment. A few early RPG life experiences prepared Dave for the rigors of RPG life ahead; most notably, playing in Nitro Furgueson's "Trial By Ordeal" LARP and the accidental target-end testing of Weird Pete's experimental gasoline-powered Fireball Generator. For a long time, HackMaster was "just a game" to Dave, much like Paintball, Risque or Nintendo. He'd play one session with the Knights and miss another two... until that fateful hour when Dave and his adventuring human fighter El Ravager discovered one of the powerful relics of the HackMasterTM polyverse... the HackMaster +12. A major relic of the HackMasterTM polyverse, the HackMaster +12 wielded by El Ravager (a.k.a. Dave Bozwell) is one of the only four known to exist on Garweeze Wurld. Made of pure Dwarven steel, a HackMaster +12 is forged in the belly of Blind Luvia, tempered in a vat of the blood of a fearsome SwackIron Dragon. The mystic runes of warning and power on the blade are etched by the fifty most skilled and blessed blind Dwarven craftsmen of Garweeze Wurld; the blade is then polished with the chest hair of Thor himself. The eldritch Death Rune imprinted on the hilt is the earthly manifestation of a powerful spell; cast upon a victim, it steals their soul and banishes them from the world of the living forever. Twinned with the necromantic power of Vlad'neer of Robinloft in the form of the Pommel Stone of Vlad'neer, this fantastic weapon becomes the
dave BOZWELL
Gary Jackson is fondly known as the Gawdfather of Gaming by millions of gaming enthusiasts around the world. His failing wargame company, Hard 8 Enterprises, was about to close its doors for good in 1977 when Gary tossed the dice on a hastily produced role-playing game, The HackMasters of EverKnight. The first print run was quickly snapped off the shelves and soon frantic distributors were calling Garys three-man shop with pleas of More! Gary has been riding Hackmaster spin-offs ever since. For those who want to know what hard eight means, it refers to the game of craps where Gary has blown thousands of dollars of company money over the years on his frequent trips to Vegas.
gary JACKSON
Hard 8 Enterprises
What do you want to Hack today?
Jo Jo is one of Gary Jacksons favorite yes-men. When he bought out Battle Cry Games in 1984, Jo Jo Zeke came as part of the deal. For years Jo Jo was considered the King of Hex-and-Cardboard-Counter wargame and has over forty-two titles under his belt. His most famous game design was The Popes Panzers, a what-if wargame simulation that rocked war gaming circles around the country. The sequel, V-Rockets at the Vatican, earned him his first Gamers Choice Award for best game design. Jo Jo is now responsible for writing much of the flavor text for HackMaster adventures (something he has a knack for) and crunching rules. It is rumored he lives in his office at Hard Eight Enterprises.
jo jo ZEKE
pete SKIPOWSKI
Pete has been with Gary Jackson since the beginning. In fact they met in college where they used to play epic sessions of MERC ARMOR and BLAZING GUNS. When Gary started his company, Pete came onboard as his first full-time game designer (working for shares in the beginning). In recent years the friendship has been strained as Garys projects have repeatedly over-shadowed Petes pet projects. In fact Gary usually targets Pete for his much publicized verbal abuse and egobruising. Still, Pete is loyal to Gary and Hard 8 Enterprises and rarely complains.
Waco Bob is one of the original share holders of Hard 8. He really doesnt do much at the company other than agree with virtually every word that comes out of Garys mouth. Waco has done well, financially, working with Gary and that seems to be enough to have earned his undying devotion. Waco does sit in on every playtesting session he can. But since he seems to love every game he plays, regardless of its flaws, his value as a playtester leaves a lot to be desired. He invariably fills out his playtester evaluation forms with, This game is the next HackMaster!!
waco bob FORSEY
Tuley isnt an employee at Hard 8, nor is he considered an intern. He originally came to the company as part of a Summer Playtester tuley He was tricked into running the companys customer PRISWINKLE program. service department by being led to believe it was a virtual corporation computer game and that he was earning points based on how well he played the game, which involved answering the phone and working out variable solutions to each call. No one has mentioned the game in quite some time and Tuley seems content to live in his office, occasionally order out for pizza and man his station.
Victor Fergueson became known as the Lord of Steam when he adapted the HackMaster rules to liveaction play and began taking hand picked groups of players on late night forays into the labyrinth of steam tunnels beneath Ball State University. After Ferguesons Folly made nitro national headlines (Victor FERGUESON and his group were lost for 7 days prompting a massive rescue search), the steam tunnels were secured and dozens of entrances were sealed with concrete. There are several contradicting accounts of what happened weeks later on the evening of January 5th, 1987 but it involved a satchel of C-4 high explosive, a miscalculation of the expected blast radius, and a medical evacuation of the Campus Administration Building which collapsed during an attempt to breach the steam tunnels. The incident earned Victor the nickname Nitro and 5 years probation. Nitro has been president of the Black Hand Gaming Society for 8 years, taking over from Weird Pete. Weird Pete Ashton is the sole proprietor of a local game store called the Games Pit. He is proud of the fact that he was one of the co-designers of the cult classic role-playing game, Lynch Mob. Pete loves to relate the story of how he was burned by his partners and lost millions. Pete is always available for advice but oddly seems to be very bitter about the hobby he loves so much. He was a major stockholder in Hard 8 Enterprises but sold his shares mere days before HackMaster was released. Pete co-founded the Black Hand Gaming Society along with Nitro and served as president for the first four years of the clubs existence. The backroom of Petes shop serves as home table for the Society.
stevil VAN HOSTLE
Stevil has a day job administering customer warranty claims. For years he satisfied his gaming itch through freelance work for various gaming industry publications. However, his divorce a couple of years back freed up time for him to get back into real gaming. He met Gordon Sheckberry at work [prior to his unfortunate(?) accident] and Gordo subsequently introduced him to the Black Hands. He now commutes to Muncie every Friday night from his apartment in suburban Indianapolis.
weird pete ASHTON
Gordon Gordo Sheckberry graduated from Ball State with a Chemical Engineering degree in his back pocket. (Although never proven, it has long been suspected that he cooked up the batch of C-4 Nitro used to level the Administration Building). Gordo was involved in a bizarre industrial accident that seriously impaired his vision and resulted in the loss of ALL his body hair. He is famous for his bad toupee gordo and coke bottle-lens glasses. SHECKBERRY The accident bestowed Gordo with the gift of total lifetime disability allowing him to game almost daily with various groups around Delaware county. (Thus he is the envy of gamers everywhere.) Gordo has been a member of the Black Hands for four years.
Newt was the only child of a career military couple. He spent his childhood either being dragged around the globe or tossed back and forth between various uncles and grandparents. Perhaps thats why Newt has trouble making friends and fitting in. He wet his feet in gaming by playing every play-by-mail game he could track down and earned a bit of notoriety by toppling the five year powergrip of the top player in the PBM game, Tribes of Angst and essentially shutting down the newt game. Later he was introduced to FORAGER HackMaster through a MUDD on the internet and embraced the game. After running through every Solo-Adventure published he set out on a quest to find a group to play with. The Black Hands Gaming Society have allowed him to play at their table for some time. Unfortunately hes finding it difficult to find a group who will tolerate his personality quirks.
Jack Flak Jack Monty is well known in Muncie, Indiana as a consequence of his highly publicized 1994 trial People v. Monty. Jack was convicted of aggravated assault, endangering the public and a half dozen other charges as a result of his commando-style assault on a city bus armed with flak jack water balloons and several auto-fire paintball guns. Jack was MONTY equipped playing a live-action game of Urban Assassin and was attempting to take out several players who had sought refuge on a passing bus. The judge was not amused and sentenced Jack to six months confinement. The sentence was waived, however, on the condition that Jack enlist in the armed forces. Jack joined the Army for a two year hitch. DoD cutbacks allowed him to end his tour early and return to Muncie to attend BSU on the GI Bill while completing his military obligation in the Indiana National Guard. He joined the Black Hands soon afterwards and earned a reputation for being a formidable player.
patty GAUZWIELER
Patty majored in Elementary Education at BSU and currently teaches a Kindergarten class at James Whitcomb Riley Elementary. She was an early member of the Black Hands before splintering off to form her own group, Pattys Perpetrators (more commonly referred to simply as Pattys Perps) She has a reputation for bringing positive reinforcement and other teaching tools from her classroom to the gaming table. Patty had a thing for Dave Bozwell (who, for a brief time had a thing for her). The two dated for several months before Dave broke it off. Mona is a free spirit with plenty of time to game due to the fact that her children have grown and she was left a sizeable inheritance by a great uncle. With her husband gone too, Mona answers to no one something she openly confesses to being proud of. She speaks her mind and makes no apologies for doing so. Even so, most people seem to enjoy Mos company. When she isnt gaming she does volunteer work around the community, including James Whitcomb Riley Elementary, where she met Patty. Eddie Ramirez has been known as Tank mona mo since high school, when he was named League Commisoner for the Fantasy Football League. WERT He is extremely proud of his unique character -- a Frost Giant Thief named Kraven. He is currently tutoring Crutch on the finer aspects of roleplaying and playing well with others. Painfully shy as a kid, Tank was bumped from group to group until he eventually responded to an ad posted on Weird Petes tank bulleting board. Patty has been working with him and has slowly Ramirez coaxed him out of his shell.
PATTYS PERPS
Pattys Perpetrators are one of the newest sanctioned groups to recognized by the H.M.P.A. in Muncie. Theyve yet to win any tournaments but the group has twice been commended for demonstrating Good Sportsmanship.
eddie
chad Aguilar
Chad is a graduate student at Ball State University majoring in history with an eye toward teaching. To make ends meet he works part time as a disc jockey at fraternity parties and other campus events. Hes known for being something of a hothead and quick to anger. This has caused him alot of problems at the gaming table over the years He spends a lot of time pondering the five points in Pattys time-out corner. Chads an ex-munchkin. He began playing HackMaster at the ripe young age of 13. Like most of the other Perps, he found he was welcomed at Pattys table. When the collectible card game, Spell-Jacked first came out, Chad went out of control and blew his savings AND his college tuition on booster packs thinking he was investing his money. He got burned during the Card Crash of 96 and is still dealing with the debt.
Crutch is an ex-con. A two-time loser whos been put on notice. If he screws up one more time and finds himself on the wrong side of the law -- he goes down the river for good. Hes a permanent fixture at Hawg Wallers (though according to the terms of his probation hes forbidden to even step foot inside a bar. Then again, the police dont exactly do walkthrus at Hawgs.) Even with his record, its not hard for those who take the time to get to known him that he basically a good heart. He tends to be a loyal friend and is definitely the kind of guy youd want in your corner during a fight. It is this blind loyalty, however, that often gets him in trouble. Recently Crutch discovered role-playing and something about Cattlepunk clicked with him. Hes now a member of Pattys Perps and struggling to win the approval of the other players.
Hawg Wallers Kickstand Palace

This seedy bar on Muncies west-side has a reputation for being a place best avoided. It is said that even the Police are afraid to enter. (If duty should require them to do so, they usually show up in great numbers.) Strangely enough, the bar has attracted the attention of several gamers in the area who have come to the conclusion that the bar and its clientle are more bark than bite. These days, its not all that uncommon to see someone rolling up a character at a side table or discussing last nights game with a few friends.
leslie crutch HUMPHRIES
Hawg is the owner of the Kickstand Palace. To hear him tell it, he was just a drifter passing through town until eli hawg he won the bar in a game of poker. Its a good story and Hawg is known for telling some tall-ones so its anyones guess what WALLERS the truth really is. Hawg carries a gun which he claims to have wrestled out of the hands of a would-be burglar one night. After pistol whipping the perp with his own pistol, Hawg let him go. No one can actually remember Hawg ever using the weapon but few have any doubt that he wouldnt hesitate to use it After all, he bears numerous scars which testify to the fact that hes not one to shy away from a fight. Despite his reptutation as a tough guy, most customers feel a certain degree of comfort in the fact that he runs a tight ship. Hes a no-nonsense type of guy. Keep things peaceful and pay your tab and youll find hes easy enough to get along with.
troy quincy WATSON

Troy became something of a celebrity when he hosted a talk show on BSUs campus radio station. In Troys own words hes not a gamer. He refuses to sit in as a player and enjoys GMing because its the only creative outlet he can find time for with his extremely heavy course load. As a GM hes fairly easy going. Troy is studying Finance and Media Relations. Hes also active in the Student Board and Indiana Young Republicans.
Vincent is attending Ball State on a soccer scholarship. During his sophomore year he changed his major from Business Management to Marketing. He openly admitts that one of the main reasons he likes role-playing is because he can screw around with peoples heads while in character and rattle their cages. There was a bit of a scandal involving Vince a while back which threatened his scholoarship something to do with photographs.
vincent DWYER
John Lee attended BSU for a while but

dropped out because he couldnt decide on a major. He managed to keep his Student I.D., however so he can still use the campus facilities. He considers himself a ladies man
and only became involved with gaming because an old girlfriend played and introduced him to Troy and his group. Troy used worked at Big Big Video where he met Sara Felton. The two dated for awhile and John managed to lure Sara away from john the Knights of the Dinner Table as a player and LEE convince her to joing Troys Boys. Later Sara discovered she was being used, (Troys Boys needed a female player for the Hackmaster Tournament) and the two split up.
Troy Watson and his players dont a.k.a. THE BOTTOM FEEDERS really consider themselves a gaming club. They simply dont take their weekly game that seriously and rarely participate in local conventions or tournaments. (With the exception of an occasional HackMaster Tournament if a cash prize is involved.) They consider their style of play to be superior to those of most other groups and have little interest in socializing or having contact with other gamers who they consider, weird. It is for this reason they are largely invisible from the point of view of Muncies gaming community. They jokingly refer to themselves as the Bottom Feeders because during freshman year they pledged several fraternities but, with the exception of Troy, were never initiated.
TROYS BOYS
Lanky learned to role-play as a child when he was forced to sit in on his teenage uncles campaigns and play the parts of various NPCs. Perhaps its for that reason he often seems bored with the game and distracted. He takes his gaming even less seriously than the others in the group. Hes been know to excuse himself to use the restroom and never return. No one seems to mind though. Its just part of his personality and most people accept him as he is. Lanky is an engineering major considered to be something of a wiz kid when it comes mathmatics. He often makes decisions in the game based on his calculations of the odds and percentages involved in any given situation.
pat lanky GROGAN
Cody Winkle is a floater, one of many HackMaster players in Muncie who just cant seem to find a group where he fits in. Even the Black Hands (who are known for taking those black sheep players no one else will have) will have him. He played with the Black Hands for a short time before being given the big boot by Weird Pete. (Describing Cody, Weird Pete once said, Despite the facts staring him right in the face he thinks very highly of himself -- I find that annoying) Cody is active in community theatre and writes a movie review column for the college newspaper called As I Saw It... Except for a few favorable reviews for his portrayal of Fagin in the stage production of Oliver his acting career has been less than remarkable (though to listen to him you would think otherwise). Cody is a huge role-playing fan and likes to combine his acting skills with the game. Despite his acting career, most gamers know of him because of a rather bizarre event which happened at HackCon 98. Cody was found bound and gagged in a dumpster behind the Con site. It is suspected he was the victim of a form of gamer-style justice called Taking Out the Trash. Cody refused to identify his attackers and has largely dropped out of sight - occasionally popping up to fill in an empty seat. Hes listed on the Gamer Temp Corps database.
Logan is one of the old guard Gamemasters of the Muncie area. His group, Logans Heroes have won more Regional HackMaster Tournaments than any other group. Logan learned to sling-dice under the watchful eye of Brian van Hoose back when he was still GMing. Eventually Brian tired of Logans pretentious attitude - the last straw being his adoption of a haughty faux-british accent - and booted him out. Since no one stepped up to adopt him into their group, he was forced to begin his own. His style is best described as harsh & meticulous, brooking no dissent from rules lawyers (having been trained by the best in the business, he knows all the tricks of the trade.) His players have become formidible gaming machines under his no crap regime. Its worth mentioning that Logan is widely despised.
cody WINKLE
logan
FOREMAX
After rescuing several gamers who became lost in the BSU steamtunnels while playing live-action HackMaster, Officer Tandy was sent by his department to attend a B.A.H.M. Seminar (Bothered About Hack Master - an organization whose members are convinced that HackMaster and other fantasy role-playing games like it are inherently evil and constitute a threat to young, impressionable minds.) He has taken a pesrsonal interest in various Muncie gaming -groups which he feels are breeding grounds for trouble.
doug TANDY
whitey MORAN
Whitey has been censured by the H.M.P.A. on four separate occasions, losing his GM-credentials twice. He has a reputation for being lax when it comes to the rules and too easy on his players.
Whitey was once a member of Knights of the Dinner Table. He left shortly after Brian VanHoose hung up the GM Screen because he didnt like B.A. Feltons style of play. After drifting from group to group for a few years he founded the Dorm Troopers and lured Grover Grundig, Bob Herzog and Brian VanHoose away from the Knights to join his club. Although Bob and Brian eventually drifted back to B.A.s table, Sheila and Grover stayed on.
Grover Da Crit Man Grundig is perhaps best known for having run the longest-running character in Delaware County (Iron Face Willie.) When Willie was finally killed the entire gaming community was shaken with the news. Grover dropped out of gaming for a short time after causing the Dorm Troopers to be disqualified from last years HackMaster Tourney.
grover GRUNDIG
THE DORM TROOPERS

The Dorm Troopers was originally a splinter-group of the Knights of the Dinner Table who broke off to form their own table. The D.T.s are highly competitive though in recent months they have suffered from a drop off in membership.
sheila HOROWITZ
Sheila was introduced to role-playing by Dave Bozwell who dated her for a short time. During the relationship, she frequently played with the Knights of the Dinner Table but was never allowed to officially join. (At the time the group had a No Girls policy) The relationship cooled after Sheila and B.A. got into a fist fight in his front yard. (B.A. accused her of cheating). Sheila eventually hooked up with the Dorm Troopers. Shes generally accepted as one of the guys when it comes to gaming. Sheila stirred up a bit of trouble a few years ago when she tried to run a male character in a regional HackMaster Tournament at Gaming Dicks Game Emporium. When Gaming Dick refused to allow her to enter the tournament she lodged a complaint with the H.M.P.A. Her case brought about changes to the Tournament Rules and depending on your position, made her either a hero or a villian.
Earl Slackmozer is regarded as a kind of local celebrity. Besides running Tournament level HackMaster events at GaryCon and various local HackCons, he freelanced for HardEight Enterprises for several years with four published adventures under his belt (including the highly acclaimed Module G-7: Gnome Uprising). He moved to Muncie, Indiana after transferring to Ball State from Saginaw Tech. He immediately started a gaming group (Slackers Hackers) and began recruiting players (who were required to take his HackMaster Basic Knowledge and Experience test.) He and B.A. Felton butted heads several times but it appears they have learned to tolerate each other. There is now a begrudging respect between them. His home-brewed live-action SlamMaster Professional Wrestling event, Royal House Rumble (Held annually by invitation only) continues to grow in popularity. Earl is currently writing up the rules and seeking a publisher.
earl julius SLACKMOZER
Eight year old Timmy Jackson is Garys youngest son. He is also the newly installed chief developer for the SpaceHack sci-fi roleplaying game. He had been responsible for development on the superhero frp Heroes and Zeroes, but was reassigned due to a rash of complaints following the release of H&Zs Background Tool Chest supplement. Gary, uncharacteristically emotional, felt terrible about this and has promised to make it up to Timmy by bringing his favorite TV hero, Xena the Warrior Princess, to the next HackCon.
timmy JACKSON
bridget KEATING
Not much is known about this mysterious figure. Many gamers know her by sight even though theyve never actually met her. Bridget was introduced to gaming initially through SpellJacked by an ex-boyfriend. She later became enthralled with live-action gaming such as Vampyre: Lords of Darkness. Her costumes have made her an icon. Did you see what Bridget was wearing? is frequently heard at any con she is attending.
martin switch WUJCIK

Switch earned his nickname during the great heyday of Farm Implement theft rings which were rampant in Americas heartland during the mid 80s. His speciality was switching serial numbers on combines and thrashers before they were loaded onto flatbed trailers destined (eventually) for the Ukraine where they were in hot demand. Eventually a Department of Agriculture special task force got wind of such doings and threw out its nets. Unfortunately for Switch he was quickly ensared. When the Feds had enough dirt [literally AND figuratively] on Switch they tightened their noose and convinced him to squeal. Once he started it was hard to shut him up. To avoid prosecution, Switch became an all too willing informant. He did his job well and with great zeal. Most of his former partners in crime went to prison. (Including Crutch, who to this day isnt aware that Switch sold him out.) These days, Switch is just another pettythug operating beneath the radar (for the most part) of the local police. He manages to work just enough jobs to keep himself in walking around money. Switch has a weakness for gambling in all its forms be it cock fighting, dog racing, horses, craps, slots, bear baiting, or his favorite - Penny Pachinko. This means hes usually broke.
morey pappy FELTON

Pappy Felton is B.A.s 83- yearold grandfather. He served proudly as a Fighting Sea Bee during World War II. His unit was involved with building airstrips, following the Marines as they island-hopped across the South Pacific. No one knows the full story, but apparently Pappy was left behind on Tulagi when the Japanese re-occupied the island for a short period. Alone for weeks, he eluded his would-be captors. Later, after being rescued, he was sent back to the States a hero. After the war Pappy started a chain of dry-cleaning businesses in Muncie which he turned over to his son upon retirement. Pappy now lives in Kissimee Florida but returns home frequently to visit his kids and grandchildren. Its said he packs a mean right punch.
Ty Ferfel is the driving force behind the Gamer Temp Corps. He came up with the idea when a campaign he was playing in was wrecked because several regular players dropped out with little notice. Ty and his friends volunteered to fill the occasional empty chair for GameMasters who found themselves in a similar situation. Ty even managed to talk Weird Pete into becoming a sponsor for the program after the local chapter of the HackMasters Players Association refused to endorse the Gamer Temp Corps. Ty, who happens to be a nephew of Nitro Fergueson, was once a Black Hand but was drummed out after a physical altercation with Stevil van Hostle. (Had he agreed to wear the hubcap of shame as punishment he could have stayed.)
tyrone FERFEL
Colonel Prowler (also known as Full Bird) is B.A. Feltons cat. Prowlers ferocity and propensity to attack without warning has earned him a great deal of fear and respect from those around him. Anyone who visits the Felton household is wise to heed the advice, Best to give him (Prowler) a wide berth. It is rumored that Prowler was once a loveable, even affectionate pet but after siring hundreds of litters in the neighborhood, B.A. was court-ordered to have him neutered. It is this event which is believed to have caused Prowlers sudden change of temperment. The fifty pound cat has been blamed for the strange disapearances of several neighborhood dogs (including a Great Dane named Mouther) but no direct proof has ever been presented to support this. He has a fondness for dice, metal figures and many other items which, once claimed as his own, are tucked away in his bedding in the corner of the laundry room. It is believed hundreds of lost dice are among his horde.

Crutchs Shutdown Special

Diunggah oleh

Informasi Dokumen

Hak Cipta

Format Tersedia

Bagikan dokumen Ini

Bagikan atau Tanam Dokumen

Opsi Berbagi

Apakah menurut Anda dokumen ini bermanfaat?

Apakah konten ini tidak pantas?

Hak Cipta:

Format Tersedia

Crutchs Shutdown Special

Diunggah oleh

Hak Cipta:

Format Tersedia

Bait and Switch

hey B.A.! \m just FILLIN in for PETE for a bit.

of course. in CRUTCHS GAME!!

c-crutchs game...? oh dear

relax, b.a. - youre SAFE. CRUTCH has a FULL TABLE.

along with a BUNCH of the OTHERS.

um, is THAT today...?

believe it or not - pattys RECRUITING CAMPAIGN actually worked.

WHOAH... that doesnt SOUND like HACKMASTER...

TRISH!! behind you! MOOK with a MACHETE!!

well yeah. he CHANGED OVER.

no, no -- its just STRAIGHT UP,

CRIME NATION THE RPG.

whats goin on -- some sort of BAIT AND SWITCH by PETE...?

\ LOANED crutch all my old BOOKS and SUPPLEMENTS.

WHAT? hes runnin CN-1E..?!! seriously?

as CRUTCHs mentor \ felt he, um --

to PUSH unsold PRODUCT...?!!

still needed a little time to bring his A game.

ah, that BAD huh...? tssk, tssk... \ was AFRAID of that.

fraid, \m not FOLLOWIN ya, EDDIE.

Brian Van Hoose KODT Issue #107, The Gift Horse

Knights of the Dinner Table - Crutchs Shutdown Special

thats just it.

not me -thats for sure.

PICK IT UP, I SAID

dont let these MOOKS take me ALIVE, dude!!

SHOOT ME SHOOT ME NOW

so hows it GOING in there?

ummm... \ have a few CONCERNS.

Newman, KODT Issue #109, Celebrity Hack

Blood and Scraps

by jolly r. blackburn and barbara blackburn

NOW YOU OWN UP TO IT

not gonna WARN ya, AGAIN!

shoot! \ MISSED it by FIVE points!

ut oh... and you were going HOW FAST...?

he LEFT the KEYS in the ignition. alright?

what was \ GONNA do...?

Bob Herzog KODT Issue #82, One-Two Punches

Knights of the Dinner Table - Crutchs Shutdown Special

yer drivin BLIND as you HEAD over the SIDE!

were gonna have to GO in.

not to MENTION theres SMOKE drifting in from the BURNIN LEXUS..

you got a PAGE NUMBER?

Pete Ashton, Bundle of Trouble #101, Takin Care of Business

patty TAUGHT me that.

show me the RULE. or were MOVIN on.

say what..? \ dont have the ISSUE.

bob - a LITTLE HELP would be nice. \ THOUGHT you HAD MY BACK.

\ rolled a THREE on CLEARIN this JAM, crutch!

Bob Herzog, Bundle of Trouble #9, Holodeck Not Needed

Knights of the Dinner Table - Crutchs Shutdown Special

mark off ELEVEN points of damage, hoss.

dont ask, ME. ask, HER!! shes RUNNIN my CHARACTER apparently.

\ need a GOOD THERAPIST.

or a RIDE to the TRAUMA CENTER.

The Cold Shoulder

okay. leave it to me.

\m DYIN to know whats HAPPENIN in there.

yeah...? how bout some DETAILS...?

\d LOVE to chat, b.a. really -- but \ have to go FEED the meter.

\ hear yer playin CRIME...

\, um, \ wouldnt want em to TOW AWAY my GYPSY WAGON.