Being A Happy Teenager

Copyright (c) 1999 by
Seashell Publishers and

Andrew Matthews
This book is addictive! I couldnt stop reading it.
The content is fabulous like watching Disney Discovery Channel!
CHERRYN YAP
Singapore
This book has helped me understand life better.
It is very useful and very good.
SYAZMIN MOHD KHALID, 15
Malaysia
BEING A HAPPY TEEN is great! Finally there is a book for us that
makes sense and tells us what we need to know.
BEKKY SCHNEIDER, 16
Queensland, Australia
I was able to relate to the book as well as gain from it. I like the part
about friends and being self confident. It really worked when I tried it.
I am sure other readers will enjoy it as much as I did.
KIMBERLY WONG
Hong Kong
BEING A HAPPY TEEN is an absolute gem.
It makes complex issues simple.
DR PETER MANUEL
Principal, Victor Harbor High School, Australia
READERS COMMENTS
Andrew Matthews
This is the book I wish I had when I was growing up. As a parent
of teenagers, I recommend it to all parents and teenagers.
CHRISTOPHER FERNANDO
Barrister, Malaysia
I love Andrews work it is brilliant, insightful, fun and helpful.
MARK VICTOR HANSEN
Coauthor Chicken Soup for the Soul
I really enjoyed reading BEING A HAPPY TEEN
I hate to admit it but I am a lot more motivated for it.
EVE JACKSON, 15
Sydney, Australia
Every teenager should have this book! It is simple,
easy to read and to the point. I know it will help you.
DATO SHARIZAT MD JALIL
Minister for Women & Family Development, Malaysia
I have been searching for the right book for my 12 year-old son, Ben,
who was somewhat troubled by what life dishes out. I tried reading
many books to Ben but none held his attention for more than a
paragraph. I cant begin to tell you how much this book means to us.
MARIA LEWTY
Brandon, Australia
READERS COMMENTS
Andrew Matthews
Seashell Publishers Australia
written and illustrated by
Andrew Matthews
TEENAGER
being a happy
Andrew Matthews
Being a Happy Teenager
Copyright 2001 by Andrew Matthews
and Seashell Publishers
Published by:
Seashell Publishers
PO Box 325, Trinity Beach
Queensland, Australia, 4879.
Fax: (within Australia) 07 4057 6966
Fax: (from outside Australia) 61 7 4057 6966
Email: info@seashell.com.au
Visit our website: www.seashell.com.au
Layout and design by Twocan and Seashell Publishers
First published May 2001
Reprinted 13 times
ISBN 09578814 3 6
No part of this publication, text or illustrations, may be reproduced in any form or by any
means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise without the prior
consent of the author and the publisher.
Also by the same author:
Being Happy!
Making Friends
Get Faxed!
Follow Your Heart
Happiness in a Nutshell
Andrew Matthews
Dedication
To my precious wife and publisher Julie:
Thank you for all your love and guidance. You never cease to amaze me!
For ten years you have encouraged me to write a book for teenagers.
Thank you for your insights, your inspiration and your endless editing.
You made it happen. This is your book.
Thank You
To Mary Duma, Julia Green, Elisabeth Davies, Eve Jackson, Lucinda Napper,
Serin Kasif, Kumaresan, Syazmin Mohd Khalid, Mahammad Saufee Abdul
Shukor, Karen and Matthew Reason, Amanda Wilson-Bunch, Beck Schneider
and Christiane Hommel for taking the time to read the manuscripts and for
all your comments and suggestions.
To Grace and Aaron Tan for your time and suggestions.
To Christopher Tan for your advice.
To Sharon Hackwood for your help in typing the manuscript.
To Susie Grinter and Jill Greaves for your editing.
To Colin Martin of Twocan for your creative ideas in the layout of
Being a Happy Teenager.
Andrew Matthews
Sometimes I ask myself, Why am I the lucky one?
Andrew Matthews
7
1. Am I Normal? 9
2. Why Does Life Hurt? 13
Why Do I Need Problems?
Dealing With Disappointments
3. Who Am I? 21
How Can I Like Myself?
Feeling Good
4. Parents 29
Why Do Parents Act So Crazy?
5. Friends 35
What Others Think
When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
Self-Criticism
Drugs
6. School 53
Bullies
Why Study?
7. Your Amazing Mind 63
Focus on What You Want
Improve Your Memory!
8. Happiness 81
If You Hate Your Parents...
What Do You Expect?
Worry and Fear
We Choose Happiness
9. Laws of Life 91
The Law of the Seed
One Thing Leads to Another
Everything is Connected
10. Your Strategy 101
Does Positive Thinking Help?
Get Organized
Risk
Power
11. Goals Why Bother? 109
Mistakes
If It Doesnt Kill You...
Money
12. Why Not You? 121
Contents
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Do you ever:
wish you were older?
wish you had more money?
get embarrassed by your parents?
wish you looked different?
wish you had different parents?
Do you ever feel No one understands me
Do you ever wonder Will I fall in love?
Do you sometimes want to drown your
brothers and sisters?
Do you ever ask Why do I have to learn all this
stuff in school that I will probably never need?
Do you ever wonder Am I normal?
Am I Normal?
f you answered Yes to about half of the above, you sound
perfectly normal! You will also probably find this book
useful. And if it makes you feel better, ninety-six percent of
teenagers dont like their faces or their bodies!
Most likely you believe that:
The smartest people are the most successful
People with easy lives (and no work to do) are the happiest
The cutest girls always get the guys
The best-looking guys always get the girls
Mistakes are bad
But none of this is necessarily true. Read on...
1
I
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If You Keep Doing the Same Thing...
At thirteen, I was a little guy with a big mouth and that got me into lots
of trouble...
The older kids thought they should teach me a lesson. They dunked my
head in the toilets. They locked me in cupboards. Tony Ferguson used to
drop me headfirst into puddles. Its hard to look cool when youve just been
dunked in a puddle.
My teachers also thought they should teach me to control my tongue.
They would send me to see the deputy principal. He had a big stick...
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Matthews, what are you doing here?
Mrs. Stuart said I was cheeky, sir.
And were you cheeky?
Yes, sir.
Didnt I see you last week?
Yes, sir.
And what was that for?
Being cheeky, sir.
Bend over!
WHACK! WHACK!
Have you learned your lesson?
Yes, sir!
And the next week...
Matthews, what are you doing here?
Mr. Roberts said I was cheeky, sir.
Didnt I see you last week?
Yes, sir.
And what was that for?
Being cheeky, sir.
Bend over!
WHACK! WHACK!
Have you learned your lesson?
Yes, sir!
I did learn something from all this. I learned that if you keep doing the
same thing in life, you keep getting the same results!
In a nutshell
If you want your life to be different, you have to change your behaviour.
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A guy asked me,
What if I dont want to be happy?
What if I want to be miserable?
I said, Be miserable if that makes you happy!
Why Does Life Hurt?
Pain
hen you accidentally bite your tongue, its hard to see
pain as a good thing. The same goes for a blister on
your big toe. You might ask, Why do I need a
throbbing foot?
But what if you felt no pain? How often would you bite off bits
of your tongue or burn your backside in the bath? Physical pain
is a perfect alarm system that prevents further damage. It tells us,
Youd better change what you are doing!
Guess what! Emotional pain gives us the same kind of message.
If we are hurting a lot of the time feeling resentful or jealous
or angry the emotional pain might be telling us, Youd better
change how youre thinking!, i.e.
Dont expect your friends to always agree with you.
Dont depend on your friends to make you happy!
Forgive yourself. Forget your mistakes and move on.
2
W
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With physical pain, a blister on your foot is a message to change your shoes.
With emotional pain which feels like a blister on the brain the message
is usually to change your point of view. When you see things differently, the
pain often goes away.
How can we see things differently? Thats what this book is about.
In a nutshell
With physical pain, when we keep
doing the same thing, it keeps
hurting.
With emotional pain, when we
keep doing the same thing, it keeps
hurting.
Then if you have no luck with control-alt-delete, do an insert bat!
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Why Do I Need Problems?
Most of the time, we dont act until we have a problem or worse, a disaster!
EXAMPLE: You play basketball for the school team. You usually miss your
free-throws because you never practise! Then one night you are playing
in the big game. Your team is one point behind with one second left on the
clock. Everything depends on your two free-throws. What happens?
You miss both of them! And you want to die!
After you have finished punching the wall, you get a plan. Every night
for the next three months you throw two hundred baskets. You get better
and better. Soon you are the best shooter in the team. Why? Because you
had a problem.
EXAMPLE: Your mathematics results have been slipping. You fail three
tests in a row. Your teacher tells you, Fail one more time and youll have
to repeat the year. Now you have a problem!
Suddenly you need a plan for mathematics. So you get a friend to help
you twice a week. You do extra study. Before long you are passing every test
and you discover it is not that difficult! Why? Because you had a problem!
Heres how life goes. We cruise along until a problem gets serious.
Eventually we do something about it. Soon we are even better off than
before the problem.
We learn more from disasters
than we do from success.
Disasters get our attention and
we take action!
In a nutshell
Problems arent necessarily bad.
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Disappointments
How do you deal with disappointments?
You apply for a part-time job and your friend gets hired. Maybe you get
a new car and it gets stolen within a week. Or you fall in love with the guy
next door and he falls in love with the girl across the street.
When these things happen, you have a few options. You can either:
Ask yourself, Why do bad things always happen to me?
This gets you stranded in self-pity, an option for losers. While we feel sorry
for ourselves we never do anything to fix a problem.
Tell yourself, Its not my fault. This is another excuse to do nothing.
Even if its not your fault, the question is, What are you going to do
about it?
Ask yourself, What do I learn from this? This is how you bounce
back. You ask, What do I learn? What else can I do? Who can help
me? Then you get a plan to do better next time.
If you believe (or even pretend) that every event in your life has a purpose,
you will learn from your disappointments. We are not here to be punished.
We are here to be educated.
In a nutshell
You are never beaten until you quit.
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Blaming Other People
If you say, I know Im failing history. Its my teachers fault. Is it likely
your marks will get better?
If you say, I know why I have no money. My boss doesnt pay me
enough! Will that help? Is it likely youll ever save money?
While we blame other people, we usually do little to fix the situation. So
we keep the problem.
Fred says, I havent got any friends. Nobody understands me! Thats
avoiding responsibility. While Fred blames everyone else, hell have a lot of
lonely Saturday nights.
Mary says, I know Im miserable. Its my mothers fault. Thats a recipe
for more misery. Blaming your mother doesnt help.
Whenever you fail at something, ask yourself, Was I partly responsible
for this? How can I make sure this doesnt happen again? These are
questions successful people ask themselves.
Its Not What Happens to You; Its How You See It
CASE 1: My friend John Foppe was born with no arms. He holds a masters
degree in communication and he gives presentations to companies and
schools around the world. He never asks, Why was I born without hands?
He asks himself: What am I going to do about it?
Everything you do with your arms comb your hair, count your money,
steer a car, open a door he does with his feet. Its fun to eat with John in
a Chinese restaurant. While other diners are eating with knives and forks
figuring chopsticks are too hard John handles chopsticks like a
champion: between his toes!
Says John, I accept who I am. Without the challenges I have had, I
wouldnt be the same person.
CASE 2: Tony Christiansen is a qualified surf lifeguard, a champion
swimmer, a second-degree black belt in Tae Kwon Do, a speedway and
racing car champion, a qualified pilot, a successful businessman and a
father of three children. Tony has no legs. He lost them in a railway
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accident when he was nine.
Tonys philosophy? Never say, I cant.
So long as you believe something in your life is a disaster,
it will unfold as a continuing disaster.

Lets say your Dad suddenly announces to the family, Ive got a new job.
Were all moving to Peru!
You say, Oh no! Ill lose all my friends. My life is ruined! Where can you
get a decent hamburger in Peru? As long as you think that your life is in
ruins, you will be miserable.
Then one day you change your point of view. You decide, This is an
adventure most kids never get! Ill get to learn Spanish. Ill learn to eat
different food! Maybe my friends can come and visit me!
You change your attitude and it changes your life.
In a nutshell
Every disaster in your life is not so much a
disaster as a situation waiting for you to change
your mind about it.
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Who Am I?
Do I Need to Like Myself?
es! People who dont like themselves are a pain in the
neck!
Usually, people with a poor self-image use one of two
irritating strategies. They either:
a) criticize you a lot or
b) they criticize themselves a lot.
STRATEGY A: They criticize you a lot. They figure that by
criticizing other people they can feel better about themselves.
Lets take Fred, who feels inferior. Fred thinks he has a big nose and
piggy eyes. He also secretly feels a bit stupid.
So whats his strategy to feel better about himself? He criticizes all
his friends. He has names for them like Flathead, Chicken Legs
and Dogbrain. Whenever someone else makes a mistake, he
announces it to the whole class. (He probably doesnt even realize
he criticizes people or why he does it.)
If you have parents, friends or brothers and sisters who dont like
themselves they might criticize you and everyone around them.
Just remember that they criticize you because they have a
problem. If you remember that they are actually hurting inside,
you wont get so upset by their behaviour.
STRATEGY B: Some people who dont like themselves criticize
themselves a lot. They use reverse psychology...
Take Mary who doesnt like herself. Shes always telling you,
You are prettier than me. You are smarter. Nobody likes me.
Shes hoping that you will reply, No Mary! You are clever. You are
beautiful. After a while, people like Mary get on your nerves!
3
Y
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In a nutshell
When we dont like ourselves, we irritate other
people. We also put ourselves through a lot of stress.
When we accept ourselves a little better, we dont
play these games.
How Can I like Myself?
In our hearts, most of us believe we should be doing better. We think that
we should have gotten higher grades. We want to be popular and hang out
with the in crowd. We feel we dont measure up to our parents
expectations. Our parents help to confirm this idea when they ask, Why
cant you be more like your brother?
Whenever you are feeling low, be your own best friend. Accept that, up
to now, you have lived your life the best way you know how. No one sets
out to screw up their life! Like anyone, youve done the odd stupid thing.
With more information youll likely do better in the future.
Liking yourself means forgiving yourself. If you have made some serious
mistakes, if you have hurt some people and yourself feeling guilty wont
help.
If you are feeling guilty about something, you have already suffered
enough. Being guilty for another six months wont help anybody.

Forget perfection and aim for improvement.

Its a funny thing. When you forgive yourself for your own mistakes, you
automatically begin to let others off the hook for the same things.
But Im Not Brilliant...
You might look at yourself and say, Im not as beautiful as my sister, Im
not as talented as my friends and Im not brilliant at anything! How can I
feel good about me?
Fact: Nobody is good at everything and most of us have those thoughts!
But heres the lowdown! Talent and beauty are very useful but there are
plenty of talented and beautiful people around whom we dont necessarily
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admire. And some of them are a pain in the butt!
The qualities most of us value above all others are honesty, courage,
persistence, generosity and humility. Take a look at this list and youll find
something interesting. You arent born with these things. You develop them.
Anyone can have them! If you want self-respect, and respect from others,
you dont have to be an Einstein or a super-model.
You simply work at developing your own honesty, determination,
generosity, humility and courage. It is called character.
In a nutshell
How you feel about yourself is in your hands.
What If No One Else Gives Me Any Praise?
When you are three years old, you need everyones approval: Mommy,
Daddy look at me. Look how clever I am! And Mommy says, Yes darling!
You can poke your tongue out! You must be a genius!
As we grow we learn to stand on our own feet. With maturity we begin to
take more notice of our own opinion and less notice of other peoples. Its
nice to get praise from other people but it wont always happen. As we get
older, we learn to live without it. This is called growing up!
When you get no encouragement or support from anybody else, support
yourself. Make a quiet note of your own achievements; make a note of the
caring and positive things you do.
Feeling Good
When we are feeling good about ourselves, we feel healthier, we have more
energy and problems dont seem so overwhelming.
When we are feeling miserable or when we dont like ourselves it is
almost as if we punish ourselves. We binge on junk food or go looking for
arguments. It is not that we do it consciously, but it happens.
On those gloomy days we are much more likely to fall off ladders or trip
over the carpet. Even accidents just seem to happen when we are feeling
depressed.
So, how do you keep feeling good about yourself?
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1. Never criticize yourself. We all
have faults but you dont need to
advertize yours. Always speak well
of yourself
2. Accept compliments. When
someone pays you a compliment,
treat it as a gift.
3. Give more compliments. There is
a myth that if you pay compliments to
other people, they will get a big head and
then you will feel worse. The fact is, you
always feel a lot better. (More about
compliments later.)
4. Separate your behavior from
yourself. Everyone makes mistakes.
When you make a mistake be sure to
say, I made a mistake and not I
am a mistake.
5. Spend time with positive people.
The company you keep has a huge
effect on how you feel. If your family
arent happy and uplifting, then you
will need to find friends who are happy and supportive. Go and have a
bit of fun.
6. Continually play movies in your mind of how you want to be. If you
repeatedly play movies of yourself as confident, happy and successful, you
will become more like that. It is the law of the mind. Whatever you think
about, you become.
7. Just as you need good food every day, so you need good ideas every day.
Whether or not this is the first personal development book you have ever
read, read more! Personal development is a life-long program. There are
hundreds of great books around on improving your memory, getting
financial security, developing your confidence and making friends. We all
need a regular dose of this kind of information.
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What About People Who Tell You, I Am the Greatest!
Dont you hate people who are always trying to impress you... My uncle
is a multi-millionaire... my father drives a Ferrari... I know the
president... Some people will tell you, I am the smartest, I am the richest,
I am the most beautiful. This is not evidence of a good self- image.
People who keep telling you how wonderful they are have little
confidence. People who keep telling you how clever they are, or how rich
they are, or how many famous friends they have, usually dont like
themselves very much. So their strategy is, If I can get you to like me, then
maybe I can get to like myself.
Extraordinary people dont have to keep telling you, Im amazing!
Does Batman say, Look at me! Im incredible and I have the fastest
wheels in town? No. He knows hes cool. So he just gets about saving
Gotham City. Does James Bond tell everyone, Im sexy and brave? No. He
knows hes brave. He just fights the crooks.
These guys just make it happen. When you know something in your heart
when you really believe it you dont need anyone to agree with you. You
know it and thats enough.
Its the people who dont have much and cant do much who talk the
most. My mother always told me, Empty barrels make the most noise. If
you understand why people boast, then they dont irritate you so much.
Your Self-Image
Imagine this story: during your first weeks of school, you are sitting in maths
class gazing out the window when the teacher asks you, Whats the answer?
Whats the answer? You dont even know the question! You are
speechless. Your face turns red. Panic! At that moment you tell yourself, I
hate mathematics!
That night your mother asks: How was school?
You say: I couldnt answer the maths question.
And Mother says: But no one in our family can do maths!
Suddenly you breathe a huge sigh of relief... Of course I hate multiplication!
Its in my genes! From that day onward, its official. Will you ever look
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forward to mathematics again? Not likely! Now you begin to tell your
friends, I hate maths. My entire family is bad with numbers! You figure,
Why make an effort? Ill never conquer it.
But what really happened here? You got a bad start and fell behind.
Maybe this maths story didnt happen to you. But most of us have our
own story about singing, hitting a ball, drawing a picture, learning to
swim, speaking in front of the class. We got a bad start and fell behind. No
one came along to encourage us. After one embarrassing experience we
gradually convinced ourselves, Its hopeless!
Its worth examining where we get these facts about what we can do
and what we cant do. Usually these facts are simply beliefs we have and
they are based on very shaky evidence. Teachers, parents, brothers, cousins
tell us things about ourselves when we are young. When we are six years
old or ten years old we believe it...
This is Mary shes not academic.
This is Rudy hes the naughty one.
This is Frank hell be fat like his father.
Then we spend a lifetime believing something someone told us thats
not true.
If you have labels on yourself, like I am a slow learner, I am
uncoordinated, I cant multiply, ask yourself, Whats the proof?
In a nutshell
Challenge your labels. When we give
ourselves a second chance, and get
some help, most often we can do it!
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Its Just the Way I Am!
Did you ever say to yourself, I cant change the way I am? Maybe you
were talking about your school results, or your temper, or your weight, or
your unhappiness.
But people change. You can change.
CASE 1: Charles Atlas is the father of body-building. Eighty years before
it was fashionable to join a gym and buy all those fancy abdominal
machines on TV, Atlas built the perfect body. He and his fitness program
became world-famous.
But Atlas real name Angelo Siciliano began training because he was
hopelessly ashamed of his skinny body. He was a ninety-seven pound (forty-
five kilo) weakling!
What if Angelo had said, I cant help it. Its just the way I am!
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When I was a teenager, I was proud to be seen with my parents!
CASE 2: Bjorn Borg. Borg is one of the
great tennis players of all time. He retired
at just twenty-six, having won 62
titles including five Wimbledon and
six French Open titles. Borgs great
weapon was his cool temperament.
He was like a machine! He never
got angry, he never swore, in
fact he never even spoke! He just
silently wore his opponents into
the ground. They called him the
Ice Borg.
But aged twelve, Bjorn Borg
was banned from playing tennis
at his club for six months. Why?
For bad behavior for shouting
and throwing his racquet.
Young Bjorn had a foul temper!
What if Borg had said, I cant help it. Its just the way I am!
In a nutshell
You are the way you are. But you dont have to stay that way.
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Parents
Why Do Parents Act So Crazy?
magine you got a puppy for your birthday.
You care so much about this puppy. You watch it all the time.
You panic when you cant find it. You are forever worrying
about this little ball of fluff and saying things like...
Where have you been?
Where are you going?
Be careful!
Dont do that!
You love it! You worry about what it eats. You worry when it is
4
I
When I was a teenager, I was proud to be seen with my parents!
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sick. You want to protect it. You try to teach it things that it doesnt want
to learn!
Meanwhile, the puppy is thinking, Im dealing with a control freak!
Have you noticed that parents treat you the way you would treat
the puppy?
They are forever saying...
Where have you been?
Where are you going?
Be careful!
Dont do that!
They panic when they cant find you. They worry about what you eat.
They worry when you are sick. They want to protect you. They try to teach
you things that you dont want to learn.
Meanwhile youre thinking, Im dealing with a couple of control freaks!
Parents can be irritating. But its usually because they care so much.
Sometimes it helps to remember that they act so crazy because they care
about you.
In a nutshell
Next time your parents are telling you what to
do, think about you and the puppy. Maybe youll
understand your parents a bit better.
One More Reason Parents Act So Crazy...
What are the main things you have to worry about?
Probably the list comes down to:
good grades in school
friends and boyfriends/girlfriends
your hobbies and sport
getting enough cash from your parents
That list probably keeps you fairly busy.
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Stevens had enough to eat havent you, Steven?
Parents also have things to worry about. Their list and this is all boring
stuff might include:
keeping their jobs
delivering the family to music lessons, soccer practice, ballet, etc.
monthly car payments, car repairs, car insurance, gas bills
monthly house payments, house repairs, house insurance
bills for gas, water, telephone, electricity, cable TV
caring for their parents
buying new furniture, computers, printers, software
school fees for all the kids
clothes for the whole family
everybodys health insurance, medical bills, hospital bills, veterinary bills
Christmas/birthday presents for a few dozen family and friends every year
feeding you, your brothers and sisters and the dog.
(We could add another 100 things to this list).
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Now heres what happens. Dad is sitting in his study thinking about this
list. Meanwhile hes wondering how hes ever going to pay off his $10,000
Visa card debt and his $15,000 Mastercard debt.
You walk into his room and say, Dad, can I have a new mountain bike?
(Just a simple question.) Dad goes bananas! He turns red in the face and
hes frothing at the mouth. Hes shouting, Do you think Im made of
money? Whats the matter with the bike you have now? I never had a
mountain bike!...
Dazed, you stagger to the kitchen to escape the onslaught. You ask
yourself, Why is he acting like a lunatic?
Remember the parents list and you might understand. Parents have a
lot of things to worry about! Thats why they act so crazy!
In a nutshell
None of us is perfect. Why do we expect our parents
to be perfect?
And if you ever wonder, How come my parents are
so boring? Its keeping up with this list that makes
them boring!
Say, Thank You!
Parents can be unreasonable, demanding, impossible to please and old
fashioned. Maybe you figure its just too hard to have a good relationship
with your parents.
But in case you would like to try and improve things, here is something
to remember:
More than anything, parents just want to hear their kids say, Thank you.
Now you may argue that your parents decided to have you, so its their
problem to feed you, pay the bills and do all the stuff that parents do.
Whether this is right or wrong, most parents get frustrated and angry
that their teenagers take it all and rarely say, Thank you. For the last
10,000 years parents have been asking themselves, How come my kids are
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so ungrateful? If only they would say, Thank you!
Parents of thirty-year-olds tell me, Im always helping my children out.
I give them money, cook meals, baby-sit the grandkids and they seem to
expect it. They never say, Thanks.
So how do you blow your parents minds? Next time your Dad delivers
you to basketball training, tell him, Thanks Dad, I know youre a busy guy
and you have a lot of other stuff to do. Hell be delighted. Hell be amazed
and inside he will say, Its all worth it!
Whenever your mother, father, stepmother, stepfather cooks a beautiful
meal, tell them, That was a great dinner. Thank you.
Of course, you can argue that it is their job to serve you. You can also
argue that they should start to thank you before you thank them. But now
you know whats in their heads.
In a nutshell
If you want to get closer to your parents, try saying a few extra Thank
yous and tell them why you appreciate it. Youll light up their lives.
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Friends
Choose Your Friends Carefully
id you ever race into a public rest room that smelt so bad
you wanted to choke? But you were so desperate to go to
the bathroom that you had no choice.
Did you notice something? By the time you left five minutes later,
it didnt smell quite so bad!
And what if you accidentally locked yourself in there for an
hour? Youd be saying, What smell?
Whats the principle here? That we get used to whatever
environment were in.
If you dont smoke, and no one around you smokes, you never even
think of smoking. But if all your friends smoke, and you hang out in
smoky bars, you get used to it. Sooner or later youre smoking!
If your friends tell lies, in the beginning it worries you. After a
while, you get used to the fact that some people tell lies. Hang out
with them long enough and you begin telling lies.
Hang out with miserable people, you become miserable and
you think its normal! Mix with critical people, you become critical
and you think its normal.
If you hang out with friends who are happy and motivated, then
you become happy and motivated and you think that is normal.
Dont kid yourself that you arent affected by your friends.
If your family or friends are negative and miserable, then you
will need to find some positive, happy friends. Somewhere in your
life, you must have some positive company or the pessimists will
drag you down and you wont even know its happening.
In a nutshell
Every day we are affected and infected by the people and attitudes
around us. Sometimes we need to take action or change friends
while we can still say, Something smells around here!
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What Others Think
Rule # 1: Everyone wont agree with you.
Rule # 2: Its okay.
Rule # 3: Everyone wont like you.
Rule # 4: Thats okay too. You wont die!
Do you care what other people think? Sure! We all do. We all want other
people to think we are cool, smart, attractive and fun. But everyone is not
going to like you. What do you do? Get over it!
Trying Too Hard
Have you ever wondered why everyone loves babies? Its partly because
babies dont care whether you like them or not. Babies, eat, scream, make
noises and make smells, and they dont care.
Babies dont try to impress people. When you are a baby, you dont have
to be cool or intelligent or sexy or smart.
Isnt it fascinating! Babies dont care what we think about them and we
love them for it.
There is something to learn from this. Be yourself. This doesnt mean
you should be rude or selfish. It does mean theres such a
thing as trying too hard.
Dont Be Too Desperate...
EXAMPLE: Mary is desperate for a boyfriend
to adore her. While she is so frantic, is she likely
to find him? Not really. Firstly, her desperation
will scare all the guys away. Secondly, while
she is desperate, she is not so lovable.
EXAMPLE: You meet someone cute at
a party and they tell you, Ill call you
next week. So you dont go anywhere for
a week not even to the bathroom!
You sit by the phone... and wait.
Who calls? Everyone but them. When
you sit around and wait for things,
it seems they almost never happen.
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What do we learn from this? Never put your life on hold for anybody. Live
your life in the present. Stay busy. Dont hold your breath for anybody or
anything.
If you are waiting for a boyfriend to call, or waiting for a response to a
job application, or a check in the mail, get on with your life.
All this defies logical explanation but you probably recognize this
principle in your own life. While you are desperate for something or
somebody, nothing happens.
Being Scared of People
Has this ever happened to you? Theres a new kid in school well call
him Joe.
On Joes first day you see him in the corridor, and
you want to say, Hello! But you think to yourself,
Ill only say Hello if he says Hello first.
But he doesnt say Hello so you dont say
Hello, and at the end of the day you say to yourself,
Hes not very friendly! Next day you decide, Ill say
Hello, but only if he does. But Joe doesnt speak, so
you dont.
By the third day, you start playing games. You
pretend not to notice each other. You pass him in
the corridor he pretends to look at the ceiling, you
pretend to study the floor.
After a week, you say to yourself, I dont like him
anyway.
Meanwhile, what was Joe thinking all the time?
Ill say Hello if he says Hello. While you were
scared to talk to Joe, he was scared to talk to you!
On the outside people often look very cool. But
nobody is as confident as they look. On the inside
they worry about all the things you might worry
about... Am I smart enough? Am I slim enough?
Have I got a big nose?
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In a nutshell
You dont need to be scared of people. Half the time, they are scared of you!
Some Things Are Your Business
Just because someone asks you a question, doesnt mean you have to
answer it. Obviously, out of respect for parents and teachers, you will often
need to tell them what they want to know. But amongst schoolmates some
things are your own business.
You dont need to always explain yourself. If your friends ask you:
Why do you wear this?
Why do you do that?
Why do you hang out with him?
Why do you listen to that stupid music?
You can sometimes say, It suits me, or I just like it.
Enough said.
In a nutshell
You dont have to spend your life explaining
yourself or justifying why you do something.
If you like to do something and it is not
hurting anybody else, thats perfectly okay.
You Dont Have to Get Angry
Sometimes brothers and sisters and friends at school will
say things to test you out. They might tell you things like:
Youre fat!
Youre ugly!
Your team sucks!
Your boyfriend is a nerd!
Most often, they are just testing you to see how you will react. They are
experimenting to see if they can make you angry. If you get angry, they win!
As strange as it may seem, you dont have to get angry. You have a choice
youre not a robot.
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You can either:
a) put a big smile on your face and say, You may be right! The last thing
they want is for you to agree with them; or otherwise
b) pretend you didnt hear.
When they get no reaction, they will usually go away.
Know When to Keep Your Mouth Shut: Complaining
What do we love about heroes in movies? They never complain! The hero
gets a knife in his back or an arrow in his leg, and he pulls it out and gets
on with the job. We like people who dont complain.
Some things other people just dont want to hear. Things like:
Ive got a headache.
Im in a bad mood.
I didnt sleep last night.
Nobody likes me.
I hate myself!
Im bored.
Im depressed.
Why does everything always happen to me?
Did someone make you angry?
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Want to be popular amongst your friends? You dont always have to be witty
or smart. Sometimes its enough just to know when to keep your mouth shut.
Heres what often happens in relationships: Ted meets Tina. Both are on their
best behaviour. He laughs and jokes. They talk about positive, happy things.
And Tina is thinking, Hes soooooo wonderful! We have so much in common!
After a week Ted starts to relax. He begins to complain about his life and
criticize himself.
After a month hes criticizing her and her clothes, and her parents, and the
weather...
Meanwhile Tina is thinking, You used to be really fun. Youve become a real
pain in the neck.
And Ted is thinking, I thought you loved me. What happened?
If you have troubles, and want to confide in a friend, fine. But put a limit on
it. You dont have to tell the whole world.
From tomorrow, you never need to tell everyone you didnt sleep last night.
Isnt that a relief?
Self-criticism
Lets say you and I are friends, and every day Im telling you, Im so boring. I
dont know why you want to be my friend! I dont know why you dont just
leave. Eventually youll say, Good idea!
Mary says, But if I criticize myself, then I can show people Im humble!
Wrong! If you want to be humble, be humble. Self-criticism isnt humility, its
stupidity.
People who run themselves down are irritating. They make you want to
punch them in the head.
Self-criticism gets on other peoples nerves and it sabotages your self-image.
The bad things you tell yourself take root in your subconscious. Make a deal
with yourself: From today if I cant think of something positive, Ill keep my
mouth shut.
In a nutshell
You become what you think about.
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Compliments
Ask yourself, Am I told that I am good looking, clever, capable, efficient,
humorous, lovable or wonderful, as often as I would like? The answer is
probably No, isnt it? The same goes for all of us. We never get enough
compliments.
Compliments are a bit like food even if we get a sweet compliment
today, were hungry for more tomorrow.
Even sports heroes and movie stars love compliments. Watch famous
people being interviewed on television. When the interviewer tells them
they did a fantastic job, you see their faces glowing!
What does this tell you? Everybody likes to have their efforts recognized.
Your father likes to hear, Dad, you cooked a great barbeque! Your mother
likes to hear, You look cool in that outfit! Your teacher likes to hear, That
was a great lesson.
You say, Why should I bother to compliment other people?
Firstly, it makes you feel good.
Secondly, it makes them feel good.
Thirdly, when you notice qualities in other people, they begin to notice them
in you. They start to compliment you and so you feel good more often.
Sometimes I Compliment People
And They Disagree With Me!
Does that mean they dont like compliments? No. People who arent used
to receiving compliments will sometimes be a little embarrassed, but inside
they love it.
Sometimes we react in funny ways... Mary spends three whole weekends
shopping for a new dress. Finally she finds the perfect outfit but she has to
wait a month for the right occasion to wear it.
Eventually shes invited to a party. She spends five hours getting ready.
When she walks into the party, you say, Mary, what a beautiful dress. You
look sensational!
And Mary says, But Ive got fat ankles.
Now Mary might have been a little awkward in receiving the
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compliment, but you can bet she loved it.
On the surface other people may look very confident and self-assured.
But most of us grow up being criticized by our parents, our brothers and
sisters. We all get nervous sometimes. We all worry that were not good
enough. Everyone has thoughts like, I wish I was taller, I wish I was
thinner, I wish I was smarter, I wish my eyes werent so close together!
Thats why compliments mean so much.
Genuine compliments mean a lot. You dont just make someones day.
Sometimes you make their month!
In a nutshell
The bonus in paying compliments is that it makes
you happier. Paying compliments to people makes
you focus on positive things. Whenever you look at
positive things, life looks better.
A Compliment Is a Gift
What do you say when someone gives you a compliment? Thank you!
A compliment is really a gift. When you take the time and trouble to give
someone praise, its much nicer to have the other person say Thank you,
than have them throw it back in your face. You dont return a gift so why
would you return a compliment?
Whenever you get a compliment, no apologies, no argument just
Thank you! Its good manners.
Note: Theres a difference between paying someone a compliment and
crawling. Crawlers will say anything to get people to like them and
nobody likes a crawler. A compliment is a sincere recognition of someones
qualities.
Focus
For a moment, think about your best friend. Now think of one thing about
her (lets assume shes a girl), that irritates you. Can you think of something?
Now think of more things that you dont like perhaps in the way she
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talks, the way she dresses, perhaps shes always running late, or maybe
shes a bit of a complainer. Can you think of some more things?
In an hour you might think of ten things you dont like about her. In a
week you might think of a hundred things. Eventually you might decide
that you never want to see her again!
Now look at the flip side. Think of what you really like about her. Recall
how she makes you laugh. What makes it special to be with her? Think of
all the good times you have shared.
Now you are feeling totally different about your friend. But has she
changed? No, you did. You changed your focus.
We all have loads of faults. Anyone can find faults in other people. When
you look for good things in people, you find good things. When you look for
faults, you find faults.
In a nutshell
The key to friendships is concentrating on other peoples qualities.
Forgiving People
At some point most of us learned that it is a good idea to forgive people. We
learned that it is holy or spiritual. But there is a more basic reason to
forgive people: when you dont forgive them, it ruins your life!
Lets say: a) you leave me off your birthday invitation list, or b) you are
my girl, and you run off with my buddy. So I say, Ill never forgive you for
that!
Who suffers? Not you!
Im pacing the floor. Ive got a knot in my stomach. Im losing sleep. You
are probably out partying or asleep!
Where do we get the idea that if WE dont forgive people, THEY suffer?
Its nuts!
When you refuse to forgive people your mother, your teachers, your
boss, you wither up inside. It wrecks your life! Next time you are resenting
someone, close your eyes and experience your feelings. Experience your
body. Making people guilty makes you miserable.
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Miserable people keep a list of resentments in their head... She let me
down, he talked behind my back, he lied... They run through it to check
that nothing is missing! They add to the list.
Happy people have better things to do.
To forgive someone, you dont have to agree with what they did. You just
have to want your life to work. Sometimes we say, Ill forgive but I wont
forget. Which means Ill let it go for the moment, but I might want to
remind you about it from time to time. To forgive is to let something go.
Recent studies at the Public Health Institute in California confirm that
hostility and resentment tear down your immune system and double your
risk of heart attack, cancer and all kinds of illness. Bitterness makes you
sick!
While were talking about forgiveness, the first step towards making your
life work is to forgive your parents. I bet theyre not perfect. But your Mom
and Dad have had a lot of other things to worry about besides raising you!
And they didnt have all the counseling and pop psychology books when
they were growing up.
Whatever theyve got wrong, its history. Every day that you refuse to
forgive your mother is a vote to screw up your life.
One more thing about forgiving people its a continuous process. If you
want to be happy, youll be continually letting go of things erasing things
from your list.
In a nutshell
Is forgiveness easy? Usually not.
But you dont forgive people for
their benefit. You do it
for your benefit.
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If You Love Me, Youll Sleep With Me!
Girls, this is the oldest trick in the book.
When you love someone, you dont make them do things they dont want
to do. You dont make them do things with their body that they are
uncomfortable about.
Dont fall for it!
If your boyfriend really cares about you, hell respect you. If he threatens
you with, Sleep with me or our relationship is over, let it be over.
Someone who threatens you now will continue to threaten you in other ways.
You deserve better.
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No One Can Make You Happy!
When you are feeling happy, do you like to hang out with miserable
people? Not likely! When you are feeling miserable, do happy people want
to hang out with you? No!
Happy people want to be with happy people. Miserable people are more
comfortable around miserable people.
So what does this mean? You cant depend on other people to make you
happy. If you want a happy life, surrounded by happy people, you have to
decide to be happy first. You need to put a smile on your own face first. Once
you see the bright side of life, other happy people will want to be with you.
Then it gets easier and easier to stay happy.
Sometimes we tell ourselves, Im unhappy now, but if I had a
boyfriend/girlfriend I would be happy! Wrong again. That happens in
songs and movies but not so much in real life. If you want to be happy
with a happy boyfriend, you need to be happy before you find the
boyfriend. While you are a bundle of misery, the happy guys wont even see
you on their radar screen.
Miserable couples were usually miserable before they met. Now they just
do misery together.
In a nutshell
Your happiness starts with you. When you are happy, and your life is
working, you attract happy friends and happy partners.
Drugs Destroy Lives
If you had a friend whose hobby was hitting himself over the head with a
hammer, do you think youd need to try it?
Would you say, Give me that hammer! Let me hit myself a couple of
times so I know how it feels! No! Would you say, It doesnt look pleasant,
but I want to try it to be sure? You wouldnt! Some things you know without
trying them. Without trying them, you can tell that drugs will ruin your
life.
Perhaps youve seen drug addicts interviewed on television. The
conversation usually goes something like this...
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Q: How much have you
spent on this stuff?
A: Everything I had! Ten
thousand, twenty thousand,
a hundred thousand....
Q: Where do you live?
A: In the gutter, under bridges.
Q: How does it feel?
A: Ive lost my car, job,
family, friends; I cant
eat, I feel sick every day,
my body aches all over.
Q: How did you start?
A: Smoking grass! Then I
tried other stuff.
Usually, the story is something
like, I had this friend, Dave,
and he was no junkie. I was
feeling a bit depressed and
he offered me this stuff. He said it would make me feel better. I thought I
could handle it.... I never knew it would wreck my life!

Drugs Wreck Your Life. Heres How...
MARIJUANA, HASHISH, etc.: (Cannabis)
Impair your memory, slow your thinking. Prolonged use can make you
paranoid and schizophrenic.
SLEEPING PILLS, TRANQUILLISERS: (Depressants)
Make you anxious, sleepless and depressed. Often lead to suicide.
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COCAINE AND CRACK:
Make you anxious, depressed, give you hallucinations, convulsions and
bleeding within the brain. Can cause death by overdose.
HEROIN AND MORPHINE:
Give you mood swings, skin infections, collapsed veins, lung infections.
There is a high risk of HIV/AIDS. Death by overdose is common.
Drug pushers dont care how sick you get. So they add fillers to the drugs
to make them go further. To heroin they add stuff like laundry detergent,
starch, baking powder, sugar and household cleaners. As an addict, you
have no idea what concoctions you are injecting into your veins.
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How Do People Get Addicted to Drugs?
Under normal circumstances, your own body and brain produce natural
chemical substances that keep you happy and healthy.
But when you introduce artificial substances to make you feel good
(drugs), your body stops making the natural chemicals. So you feel okay
when you have the drug in your body, but as soon as it is gone, you feel
terrible.
The only way to feel better is to take more drugs. When you take more
drugs, your body produces even less of the natural chemicals. So you need
even more drugs just to feel normal.
You become more and more depressed. You get sicker and sicker. Your
habit becomes impossibly expensive.
One heroin addict, Jenny, told me, Trying to give up is the worst pain
you can imagine. Its like you have got the flu all over, but ten times worse.
Jenny is seventeen and has been an addict for three years. Her habit costs
her a thousand dollars a day. She pays for it through prostitution and
stealing from people.
Jenny never intended to become an addict. This was not her goal or
her dream.
Be a Leader, Not a Follower
You may have friends who offer you all kinds of nasty things. And when
you refuse, they may get angry or irritated and call you a chicken and
worse. But remember that everyone secretly admires strength.
If you have the guts to say No, and continue to say No, you will have
their respect because you can do something they couldnt. (Though they
may never admit it.)
In a nutshell
Every drug addict thought they could handle it. They all said something
like, Ill just try it once so I know. Its like hitting yourself with a hammer.
Its like walking in front of a train. You dont need to try it to see if its good
for you.
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Anna-Louise
As I write this, my seventeen-year-old niece, Anna-Louise, is fighting for her
life in hospital. Three weeks ago she received head injuries in a car
accident. She has been in a coma ever since. My sister and her husband are
at her bedside 18 hours a day.
All Annas beautiful blond hair has been shaved off and she is
surrounded by machines, tubes and wires which feed her, keep her breathing,
monitor her pulse, blood pressure, temperature, inter-cranial pressure and
lots more things I dont understand.
Perched on the machinery in her intensive care cubicle are about a dozen
teddy bears sent by her friends. The family have given them names like
Sam after the head neurosurgeon and Lisa our favourite nurse.
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Stuck to the wall and the window are a hundred Get Well cards from
her friends. They say things like, Anna we love you, Anna you always
make us smile, Anna, you are beautiful.
Isnt it strange how we wait for disasters to tell people how much they
mean to us. If Anna had not had the accident, how many of us would have
told her? Why do we wait?
Anna went to a party. She and a friend jumped in a car and went for a
drive just for fun. The car rolled. Next thing they were being delivered to
the Alfred Hospital Emergency Department in a helicopter.
Most teenagers think, It will never happen to me! I can just imagine
Anna saying the same thing. But it can and it does.
Thirteen years ago my stepson, Michael, had a car accident. He was also
a teenager. Michael received massive head injuries and wasnt expected to
survive the night.
Michael amazed us all. Against doctors predictions, he learned to walk
again but it has been a tough road for him. Remembering things is
difficult for Michael. Today he is still learning to speak. Thirteen years later
he is still learning to read and write.
What would Michael tell you? It happened to me. It can happen to you.
In a nutshell
When we are teenagers, we think we
will live forever. Sometimes we think
the people we love will live forever.
But two seconds can change your life
forever or end it.
1. It is never too soon to tell those you
love how much you care.
2. Drive carefully. And if your friends
dont drive carefully, catch a bus!
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If I give you all the answers how will you ever learn?
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I am the person who sits next to you in class.
I am the person who is a bit overweight.
I am the person who is laughed at because I am short.
I am the person who is picked on because I like computers.
I am the person who talks with an accent.
I am the person who isnt great at gym.
I am the person who is always to blame.
I am the person who takes the bus home in fear.
I am the person who stumbles when I walk too fast.
But I am also the person who is brave enough to
wake up and do it again the next day.
Nigel Potts
School
Bullies
hat do Harrison Ford, Mel Gibson, Michelle Pfeiffer and
Phil Collins all have in common? They were all bullied
at school.
If you are being bullied, it doesnt mean there is something
wrong with you. Did you get that?

If you are being bullied, it doesnt mean there is
something wrong with you.

You have a right to feel safe and secure. If you are being bullied
at school, it is the schools responsibility to stop it. If you are
being harassed or attacked outside of school, the police have a
responsibility to help you.

The Bully Is the One With the Problem
A lot of bullies are already being bullied themselves. They feel
powerless and so they look for ways to feel tough at school or on
the street.
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Often, the bully is jealous of other kids, so he picks on
those who are cleverer, or those kids who have cool gear
or more money.
Usually, bullies dont like themselves, so
they take out their frustrations on someone
else, e.g. you.
What Can You Do?
Look calm and confident
even when you are not!
You can practise this in
the bathroom mirror.
If possible, ignore the bully.
Bullies want a reaction
if you dont seem upset
or angry, theyll often leave
you alone.
Walk away. Just because a
bully starts an argument
doesnt mean you have to hang
around and finish it.
Avoid being alone. Bullies are
cowards who only pick a fight
when they know they can win.
If you are with friends, they
are more likely to leave
you alone.
Dont risk getting hurt. If the
bully decides to steal your
money or your stuff, let it
go. Material things can
be replaced.
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Get Help!
Tell an adult you can trust. This doesnt mean you are weak. In life
you often need to get help from other people. When you have a broken
leg, you get help from a doctor it doesnt mean you are weak. If you
are being bullied you also get help. Bullies want you to keep quiet. When
you speak up, you refuse to play the bullys game. Telling others about
the problem is a brave move.
Keep a diary of what is happening. When you tell a teacher, a
friendly adult, or the police, you need to have the facts: when, where and
what happened. Keep to the facts. Avoid exaggerating.
Keep telling people about the problem. If the first teacher doesnt
help, tell another and another. If the first adult doesnt help, tell another.
If the first policeman doesnt help, tell another. Persist.
When You See Other People Being Bullied
If you do nothing, you send a message to the bully that it is OK with you.
So what can you do?
Tell the bully to stop it.
Tell other people about it.
Encourage the person who is being bullied to tell others about it.
Be a friend to the person who is being bullied. It may not mean much to
you, but it can mean the world to the person who feels scared and alone.
Brand Names
Imagine this scene from a movie. A guy and girl are embracing in the
moonlight.
She says, Brad, I have to know. Why do you love me?
And he says, Because you wear Nikes.
How stupid is that?
Do your friends wear brand names on their jeans, belts, underwear?
Maybe you think having brand names is a matter of life and death. It isnt.
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If your friend Jim wears three hundred dollar sneakers, all it means is that
his parents had a spare three hundred dollars. What does that have to do
with you? Does that make Jim any better than you? No!
There will always be people around who wear clothes, drive cars and live
in houses that you cant afford. Get used to it.
What really counts is who you are and what you stand for. Its whats on
the inside, not whats on the outside.
In a nutshell
If you think it really matters, then it really matters. As soon as you say, It
doesnt matter, you can relax.
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Why Algebra?
Did you ever ask the question, Why do I need to study algebra ? I want
to be a lawyer! Or, Who cares about Julius Caesar? I want to be an
accountant.
After you leave school you may never need to know about quadratic
equations (or Julius) again. But school is about more than learning facts.
Its also about:
FINDING OUT WHAT INTERESTS YOU. By studying a broad range of
things, e.g. pieces of geology, physics, computing, mathematics, language
etc., you find out what you like and what you dont like. Thats useful for
later life. (Doesnt that make sense?)
LEARNING HOW TO DO THINGS. Maybe you hate mathematics. But
the same logic you use to solve equations and geometry problems, you use to
solve other problems in life. Were talking here about sharpening and
preparing your brain. (Just like a sprinter lifts weights to prepare his body,
you lift mental weights to train your mind.)
GETTING CONFIDENCE. You may learn French at school and never
need it. But you prove to yourself that you can learn a language. Then one
day you get offered a job in Rio de Janeiro, and you say to yourself I can
do that. I almost passed French! I can learn some Portuguese.
If Only School Was Easier! (Then Id be happy.)
You might think, If school work
wasnt so difficult, Id be happy!
No you wouldnt!
Imagine I was your mathematics
teacher. Imagine I told you, Today
we are going to do stress-free
mathematics. Youll love it. Heres
the problem for today. Youve got
three hours to figure it out. And
then I wrote on the board:
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You would say, This is an insult! Get rid of this stupid teacher... and give
me a challenge!
Challenge is what makes life exciting. Everywhere we look we see people
testing themselves. Its why we play Nintendo and all those computer
games. Its difficult. We want to test ourselves, and move to the next level.
Its why people love to play golf. Golf is so hard! Its designed to drive you
nuts.
Remember how happy you were when you learned to tie your shoes.
Remember how proud you were the day you learned to ride a bike? You
havent changed! You are happiest when you are solving problems. Thats
when you see what you are made of.
Lets stop pretending that we want our life to be easy. When things get
too easy, we get bored and leave and look for another challenge.
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Why Should I Do My Best?
Have you ever watched a quitter in a boxing match a guy who just gives
up and walks away. The whole crowd boos. They hurl drink bottles and bits
of hot dog into the ring.
They dont throw stuff because he lost. They throw stuff because he quit.
In our hearts we all believe that we should give our best.
Eric Moussambani swam for Equatorial Guinea at the 2000 Olympics.
He didnt win.
Eric had never even seen a 50 meter pool. At home he
trains in a little hotel pool when there are no guests.
The two other competitors in his 100 meter heat from
Niger and Tajikistan were both disqualified for
false starts, so he swam alone against the clock.
This was also the first time Eric had swum a
100 meter race something the crowd soon
suspected. He swam with his head out of the
water and he barely kicked his legs.
In the first lap he was really struggling.
In the second he was nearly drowning! But
Eric was fighting with everything he had.
At the turn, 17,500 spectators began to roar
and with every stroke the noise got louder and
louder. Twenty metres from the finish, Eric was
barely moving but the crowd was going bananas.
When he finally hit the wall, the cheering
and stamping all but lifted the roof off
the stadium.
His time of 1 minute 52 seconds
was about a minute slower than
all the other competitors. Who cared?
Eric Moussambani had done his best.
When you give an honest effort, people support you.
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You Feel Happier When You Do Your Best
Remember what it feels like walking to school on those days when you have
done all of your homework and done it as well as you can. Dont you feel
just a bit more enthusiastic about school? Why? Because you are always
happier when you give 100 percent, whether its an essay or whether its a
basketball game.
Your teachers will tell you Work hard! And your parents will probably
tell you Work hard! One day your boss will tell you Work hard! But you
dont work hard to please parents and teachers, and you dont work hard
to keep your boss off your back.
The big reason you do it is for you.
If you get good marks, thats a bonus. If other people notice, wonderful!
But the main reason is how you feel about yourself.
Sometimes you give everything youve got... And still fail!
Its not failing that hurts so much. Its that feeling that you didnt do all
you could.
Even when you do your best, there are no guarantees that you will
succeed. You may do your best, and still be criticised. You may do your best
and still have people laugh at you. But when you do your best, the reward
is that feeling that says, I did everything I could.
And if you have done all you can...
There comes a point when you say to yourself, Thats enough. If you
are facing an examination, or an important interview, and you have
prepared as well as you can, you then let go. You walk into the
examination room, or the interview, and say to yourself, I have done
everything I can Ill accept whatever happens.
Enjoying Your Work
Last year I saw a TV show about a fellow called P.C. Taylor.
P.C. removes garbage. He and his team clean the subway tunnels in New
York City not the platforms, the tubes! He spends his life in the dirty,
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stinking, rat-infested, trash-ridden tunnels through which the trains run.
In the documentary they took the cameras underground. Its like being
in a long cave, but not so healthy. P.C. has been at this job for 25 years
killing the rats and hauling out the rubbish.
The interviewer asked P.C., So do you like your job?
Like it? he said. I love it! Homeless people live down there in those
tunnels. And Im helping to give them a better home. And while Im
helping the homeless, Im putting my two daughters through college!
P.C. is proud of his work. He also proves that it is possible to find job
satisfaction in a miserable workplace.
I suspect its not actually the garbage and the rats that excite him its
his belief that he is helping to make the world a better place. In other words,
its easier to do a lousy job if you are focused on WHY you do it.
I think of P.C. quite a lot! Whenever I have a job to do that I dont want
to do, I imagine myself chasing rats and hauling garbage.
In a nutshell
Its not the work you do, its
your attitude that makes
the difference.
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Your Amazing Mind
Habits and Patterns
hen you cut your finger, do you have to concentrate to
heal it?
When you go to sleep, do you have to remember to
breathe?
Do you have to think about growing hair?
These things just happen, right? Your subconscious mind makes
all these amazing things happen automatically. There are thousands
of programs in your subconscious to keep you warm, cool, digesting,
perspiring, blinking, excreting, replacing skin, growing hair. Your
heart pumps 100,000 times a day and you never give it a thought.
You were born pre-programmed with these patterns.
Apart from these patterns that you were born with, you also have
subconscious patterns that you develop after birth. Some of these
patterns, like walking and talking, almost everybody has.
Other patterns are quite personal. Personal patterns also cause
us to behave automatically where we tend to repeat the same
behavior over and over again without thinking.
Some people keep losing money, some people keep getting sick at
certain times, some people are always late, some people are always
having dramas.
DRAMA PATTERNS: I know someone called Gunther. He is an
intelligent guy who keeps having crazy accidents. A few months
back, he and his son were riding their bikes on a boardwalk at the
beach. Gunther looked over his shoulder to tell his son, Josh,
watch where you are going! but turned around too late to stop
himself riding his own bike straight off the end of the pier and into
the sea. Gunther survived and swam to shore with his bike!
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(There was even a wedding party and photographer on the pier to watch
the performance and record the action.)
Weeks later Gunther was at a party. Being a cool evening he was
warming himself by the heater. Gunther recalls, I could smell something and
my skin felt itchy. Then I realised, says Gunther, I was on fire! Everyone
threw their drinks on him and he survived. (Dont try this at home!)
Next day Gunther went shopping. He bought five hundred dollars
worth of clothes and then accidentally threw all the parcels out with the
garbage. He searched through trash cans for his whole apartment block to
find his new outfits.
Gunther survived. Last I heard, he flooded his house. Just when you think,
Surely nothing else can happen to him, he does it again!
MONEY PATTERNS: Do you have friends who never have any money?
Take Mary for example... its not that her parents never give her any
money, or that she never earns any. But her pattern is so strong. The
minute she gets $50, she borrows $200 and buys a pair of $250 shoes.
Next week she earns another $200. But rather than pay off what she
owes, she borrows more and buys a set of $400 roller blades. And if you ask
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her, shell tell you, Its not my fault. Everything is so expensive.
SICKNESS PATTERNS: Some people get sick every time they go on
vacation or they get sick every time a big opportunity arises. Some people
get sick every Monday morning!
LATE PATTERNS: Some people are always late. Wherever they are
going, whatever they are doing, they will be late. Traffic jams theyll find
them, car keys theyll lose them, flat batteries theyll have them.
These guys can get up at 6.00 am to be at work by 9.00, and at 10.15
theyre still searching for their socks.
PEOPLE WALK ALL OVER ME PATTERNS: Some people keep
having relationships with people who bully them.
MESS PATTERNS: Need I say more?
JERK PATTERNS: Did you ever meet a lady who said,
I always meet jerks! She has a radar for
finding rude, selfish, lazy people and then
dates them!
Its not that we consciously try to be late, or
broke or have one drama after another its
a program in our subconscious mind that
keeps repeating itself. To understand
these patterns we need to know
something about our subconscious.
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Recognize the Monster!
A pattern can be like a
monster that sits around in
the back of your mind
and wont leave you
alone. You push it
out the door and it
squeezes in the
window.
If you have a
broke pattern, the
monster will pester
you... Spend it you deserve
it. You can save next month.
Whenever you get a spare
hundred bucks, it burns a hole
in your pocket. The monster
says, Spare cash?
That feels weird!
Quick get rid of it.
Buy some DVDs.
If you have a my relationships never last pattern, the monster will give
you helpful suggestions to ruin your relationships... Tell her shes fat and
see what happens! (Test her sense of humour!)
The good news is that the monster is not you. You can change your
patterns. But it takes effort!
Challenging The Monster Mental Movies
So how do you slay the monster?
First you have to look the monster in the eye. You recognize its not a
matter of LUCK. You say I HAVE A PATTERN WHICH CREATES THESE
PROBLEMS. But the pattern is not me!
Then you build positive new patterns in your subconscious mind by using
your imagination in the right way. Your mental picture is critical.
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Before you do anything in your life, you must first imagine it.
(You may not be aware of this!) Before you swing a golf club, you picture
it in your imagination. To get out of your chair and walk across the room,
you picture the action in your mind. You picture it, and your brain then has
the pattern for you to get up and do it.
Researchers have discovered that when you imagine yourself performing
any task, your brain cells undergo electrochemical changes as if you were
actually doing it. That is why all the great athletes, golfers, actors and
singers practise in their imagination. It is called mental rehearsal.
What does this tell you? That anything you want to do in your life, you
must picture in your mind. The more often you picture it, the stronger the
patterning of your brain cells, and the easier it is to do it. You can do the
same at the bus stop, lying in bed, sitting on a train.
Lets assume you have a nervous pattern where you cant speak in
public. Whenever you try to speak in front of the class, the monster takes
over. You stand up but your mind sits down! You shake, you sweat and
nothing comes out of your mouth.
What do you do to fix this? You begin to play movies in your mind of
the confident new you. You begin to regularly picture yourself standing
in front of the group with a smile on your face. You see yourself speaking
effortlessly. You might imagine yourself as being relaxed like people you
have seen on television, or confident like friends of yours who seem to
handle any situation. In this movie you are happy, relaxed and in control.
As you start to play these mental movies, the monster will fight you. It will
be whispering, This isnt right. You should be wetting yourself! But keep
running the positive movies and youll see more and more of the new you.
Youll have doubts and scary moments. But keep playing those movies in
your head. Each time you stand up to speak it will be easier and easier.
Eventually youll become so confident, youll forget you ever had a problem.

The mental picture you have of yourself made you who you
are today. When you change that mental picture of yourself
you will change to match that picture.
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EXAMPLE: Lets say you are always short of money and owing other
people money. You decide, Now for the first time in my life I am going to
have spare cash! You start to play mental movies of yourself with spare
cash. You see yourself depositing savings at the bank.
Now you can bet that the very week you decide to take control of your
finances, there will be big sales downtown. There will be half-price deals at
the music store. There will be unrepeatable bargains on roller blades
and trendy gear at the sports stores. And the monster will be telling you,
Quick, buy now and beat the rush! It always happens. You can count on
it. But stick with your movies and you will become like your mental picture.
EXAMPLE: To become a good student, you must first see it in your
creative imagination. So you might play a mental movie of yourself
completing your homework every night. (The monster will argue!) See yourself
enjoying your study and proud of your progress. Replay those pictures in your
mind and over time, you will become that student in your mental movie.
One more thing... when you play these movies, feel the emotion. Feel the
excitement. Why? Strong emotions make the strongest imprint on your
brain cells. Thats why you remember the happiest and saddest experiences
of your life. So you make your mental movies work best by feeling excited.
When you are lying in bed, playing your movie, feel how happy you are
about having spare money, improving your school grades or your new
speaking abilities. The picture will burn itself into your subconscious.
Too easy? This is not a once or twice thing. It takes daily persistence.
That is, every day for weeks! But you can do it!

You dont achieve great things by looking at what you are.
You achieve great things by looking at what you want to be
and then playing those movies in your mind.

The bonus in playing these movies in your mind is that you can play perfect
movies, without mistakes. So you program your subconscious toward
perfect performance.
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In a nutshell
Whatever patterns you have, you can change. From now on you never have
to think, Thats just the way I am. You can think, Thats the way my
pattern is and I am about to change it.
Focus On What You Want
This is extremely important...
Most people use their minds the wrong way around and then wonder
why they get bad results.
EXAMPLE: Lets return to that example of speaking in front of the class.
Before a presentation, many people tell themselves, Dont be nervous!
Dont forget your lines! Dont embarrass yourself!
What happens? They screw it up! They even forget their own name!
Then they ask, Why did this happen when I told myself NOT to
be an idiot?
Its because of the way our mind works. There is an important principle
operating here and it is rarely explained.
You must understand this...
As we know, your mind operates on pictures. To do anything you need a
picture. To touch your nose, you need a picture in your mind of your finger
on your nose. With this correct picture, your subconscious mind can tell the
muscles to do it.
To give a confident speech, you need a picture in your head of you giving
a confident speech before you even stand up. Only then can your mind
instruct your body to act it out. So heres the crunch
You cannot give your mind instructions NOT to do something.
Your subconscious mind must have a picture of what you want.
(If I say to you, Dont think of a pink elephant with blue spots, what
fills your mind?)
So when you tell yourself, Dont be nervous! Dont shake!, what
pictures fill your head? Pictures of you shaking and stammering. These
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pictures filter into your subconscious and program your brain cells for a
shaking, stammering performance! So you shake and stammer. Its the law
of the mind. No other result is possible.
This explains why confidence is so critical in anything you do. When you
are confident, you have only positive pictures in your mind of a good
speech, of a relaxed job interview, of a successful driving test, of a great
piano recital.
When you are confident, you dont play disaster movies, you play success
movies so you regularly succeed. Youre not perfect, but you always give
yourself the best possible chance.
This is why positive thinking works! Positive thinkers have the habit of
picturing what they want, not what they fear! And what you think is what
you get.
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Expect a Fight!
You can change your patterns by playing mental movies.
But expect a fight. Whenever you set out to slay the
monster/change a pattern/create a new behavior that
doesnt match the current picture you have of yourself,
your monster will try to sabotage it.
EXAMPLE: Lets say you havent had a date in
two years. Until now, you have had an image
of yourself as a lonely person.
So you start picturing yourself dating and having a good time. Soon you get
invited on a date for the weekend... and you wake up Saturday morning with
a headache and a fever and ask yourself, Of all days, why today? (The
monster loves doing this sort of stuff!) Persist with your mental movies and
things will change.
The monster will give you trouble! It is almost
as if we are tested to see if we are really serious.
Be prepared for a bit of a struggle.
Persevere and you will win.
In a nutshell
Change is always challenged.
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Good Patterns!
So far we have only looked at bad patterns the monsters. Some patterns
are positive.
Things always work out patterns: Some people always land on their
feet... Daves car breaks down in the middle of nowhere. But a stranger picks
him up, drives him home and then offers him a job.
I trust people and they treat me well: Some people trust everyone,
and other people always seem to look after them.
Its easy to make money: Yes, some people have that pattern too!
If you already have these, work on keeping them.
Why Relax?
Have you ever had this experience... you are casually approaching the front
door of your house when suddenly you hear the phone ringing. Quick! Quick!
Wheres the key? Now it has literally disappeared from your key ring! You
examine every key twice. Youre losing your eyesight! Eventually you find it.
As you try to shove it in the door, it expands to three times its normal size
and the hole shrinks.
The key is in but it wont turn. Now the door is stuck. Somehow you fight
your way inside and just as you get to the phone it stops ringing!
When you get a little bit anxious, nothing works.
If you have ever played softball, soccer, tennis, havent you found that you
can throw the goals or hit the ball over the net in practice and do it
blindfolded? What happens when you get into a match? The net gets
higher, the hoop shrinks.
Why is it that your stomach forgets how to digest your food before a big
examination?
Why does your mind go blank in a big examination?
Whenever you are tense, simple things become difficult. We can explain
it scientifically by looking at your brainwaves! This is fascinating because it
affects everything you will ever do...
Brainwaves
Your brain produces four kinds of waves, or rhythms beta, alpha, theta
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and delta waves. Theta and delta waves are strongest when you are asleep or
unconscious so forget about those. Its the beta and alpha that tell the story.
BETA WAVES When you are stuck halfway across a traffic intersection and
the lights change, and the car stalls, and you hear fifty horns and lots of
swearing, youre in beta! When you turn over your examination paper and
you realize theres not one question you can answer and you have a mental
blank, youre in beta.
Beta is the brain activity you produce when you are tense or nervous. These
brain rhythms occur at around 14 cycles per second and above.
ALPHA WAVES Your brain looks like a big walnut. Like a walnut, it has
two halves or hemispheres left and right. When you are relaxed, and
producing strong alpha waves, both halves of your brain are working
together. Everything flows. You may be writing an essay, skiing down a
mountain or painting a picture and everything comes easily.
At times like this you are producing a lot of alpha waves 7 to 14 cycles
per second. Athletes call it being in the zone.
As you relax your physical body, your whole metabolism comes into
balance: your blood pressure drops, your breathing becomes deep and easy,
your digestion works and all your organs work most efficiently. Alpha waves
enable you to perform at your peak. Interestingly, alpha waves will be strong
whenever you are visualizing playing your mental movies.
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A Relaxation Technique
There are four simple things anyone can do which automatically produce
relaxation in your mind and body:
Closing your eyes (not too difficult!)
Deep breathing (also not difficult!)
Relaxing your body (not difficult with the following exercise).
Spending time with nature, whether its in reality or in your imagination
(also not too difficult).
Now that we know that you perform best when you are relaxed, lets look
at a simple relaxation technique. Its similar to any relaxation technique
taught by doctors or sports psychologists the world over. I have taught this to
thousands of people and anyone can do it. You can use this before a speech,
before an examination or a soccer match or just to feel good. Its also useful
to do this exercise to relax your mind before you play your mental movies.
We use each of the above four steps.
This is a guide only. It doesnt matter if you vary it a little so dont get
stressed about it. The idea is to relax!
1. Find yourself a comfortable position in a chair and close your eyes.
Uncross your arms and legs.
2. Take some deep breaths. Breathe in as you count to eight. Breathe out as
you count to eight. Do this about ten times.
3. Imagine the muscles in your face relaxing... As you continue to breathe
deeply and evenly, become aware of all the little muscles around your eyes. Just
bring to mind these muscles while you take a few breaths. Next become aware
of the muscles in your forehead as you continue to breathe deeply and evenly.
As you relax your body you will shift your awareness down your body...
from your forehead to your cheeks, to your mouth, chin, neck, shoulders,
upper arms, forearms, hands, fingers, chest, stomach, pelvis, upper legs,
knees, calves, ankles and finally your feet. (Perhaps youll spend five or ten
minutes moving from your head to your feet.)
(NOTE: You dont need to remember the exact order, and the names of the
body parts as I have written them here. Also, you dont have to consciously
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tense or relax each part of your body. Just become aware of each area. That area
will automatically relax when you forget about it and move to the next area.)
4. Imagine yourself slowly walking down a staircase of twenty steps... 20,
19, 18 down to 1. Imagine yourself standing at a door. Open the door and
walk out into a beautiful scene from nature.
5. Now start to imagine yourself in a beautiful scene from nature. You
might imagine yourself on a beach or on a mountainside, or by a river or in
a meadow or floating on an iceberg. You might choose a scene that you have
been to, or one that you can imagine.
Different people experience imaginary things in different ways. So it may
be that you will find it easier to hear things, or see things or even taste and
smell things in your imaginary scene. Just go with the flow and stay there for
as long as you choose. You might want to spend ten or twenty minutes in your
peaceful scene. As you relax, you can play whatever mental movies you
choose.
When you are ready to leave your relaxation session, walk back through the
door, up the twenty steps... 1, 2, 3 up to 20 and open your eyes, feeling wide
awake and refreshed.
The more you use this technique, the easier it will be. Why do it sitting in a
chair? Because you will probably fall asleep if you are lying down and the idea
of deep relaxation is not to fall asleep. But if you want, you can also use this
exercise to go to sleep at night.
Your Memory
Your memory works on pictures, not words. Lets test it.
Read this:
A man is trying to get away from a dog. The dog has the tail of the mans shirt
in his mouth. The dog appears irritated. The man is slightly amused. The dog has
a white tail, one white foot and one red ear. The shirt is red and white striped. The
man is reaching forward, standing on one leg...
(It might take you fifteen seconds to read this and process the information.)
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Look at this:
(It might take one second to look at the picture and process the
information.)
Guess what! You would remember more from looking at the cartoon for
one second, than you would from reading the words for fifteen seconds.
Your memory processes and recalls pictures better than words! So when
you have important things to remember, it will help you to draw little
diagrams, maps or sketches wherever possible. It doesnt matter if you dont
draw well anything will help.
Lets look at how you might use pictures to help you remember...
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History: heres how you might remember that on 20th of the 7th month
1969, the American Neil Armstrong became the first man to walk on the
moon as part of the Apollo 11 mission.

Language: the Spanish word for hair, pelo,
sounds like pillow.
Watch How You Describe Your Memory!
Beware! If you tell people you have a terrible memory,
it gets worse.
Science tells us that we never really forget anything. Astonishing facts and
details from our past are all filed away its just that we sometimes have
trouble recalling them. You know that. Havent you ever forgotten a phone
number and then recalled it a week later? What does that mean? It was there
all the time.
Studies of people under hypnosis also confirm that we can remember
extraordinary things. Under hypnosis you might easily recall yourself aged
fourteen months, sitting in your green high chair. You might recall the yellow
drapes, the cookie jars and the red spoon you are using to hurl mashed potato
at the ceiling.
So if the information is there, its better to encourage your subconscious to
recall it than to give it a message that it is gone entirely. Using words like I
forget sabotages your memory. Next time you are struggling to recall
something, say It has temporarily slipped my mind or It will come back to
me. When you encourage your memory like this, it works much better.
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And NEVER tell people you have a terrible memory. Your
mind will accept what you tell it. The more you tell all your
friends and family that you have a terrible memory, the
worse it will get.
Affirmations
Theres a trick that you can play on school friends. I hope
that you wont do it because its not very nice...
Your friend Bill appears perfectly healthy, but you
call him over and say, Bill, whats the matter?
And Bill says, Nothing. Why?
You say, You dont seem yourself! You look sick.
Next, another friend says, Bill youre looking pale!
And another friend says... You look terrible.
Are you sure youre OK?
Eventually poor old Bill will start to droop. By lunchtime he will likely
disappear for home. Why? Because we are all open to suggestion. Our
thoughts affect our bodies in ways science doesnt yet understand. But its real.
Thats the negative side of how your mind works. It can also be used in a
positive way, using what we call affirmations. An affirmation is a positive
phrase or sentence that you repeat to yourself.
So lets say you have a splitting headache. You start to tell yourself My head
feels wonderful, or My head feels relaxed and at ease. As you begin to repeat
this to yourself, youll probably have a little voice in the background saying,
You stupid idiot. You feel terrible! But stay with it, and the thought that you
are feeling well will take root in your subconscious. Perhaps an hour later you
might say to yourself, My headaches gone is it coincidence?
Impossible? No. When we feel happy and optimistic, our brain releases lots
of chemicals into the blood stream. These chemicals include endorphins that
are natural pain killers.
One of the pioneers of using affirmations to influence the subconscious was
a Frenchman called Emile Coue. He found early this century that hospital
patients healed faster when they used affirmations. He popularised the
phrase: Every day in every way Im getting better and better and better.
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So you might be running a 1500 meter race or competing in a triathlon, and
you begin to feel exhausted. Then you begin to use affirmations... Im strong.
Im fresh. Im strong. Im fresh. Soon youll begin to feel stronger.
Will affirmations work miracles? Maybe not. Will they help? You bet your life!
Whether you are a singer or a high jumper, the key to good performance is
confidence and self-belief. Affirmations help you build your confidence and
self-belief.
If you are feeling stressed, repeating affirmations like Im peaceful and
calm... Im peaceful and calm can help you to relax.
Affirmations are not complicated or sophisticated, and if you are sophisticated
and intellectual, its possible to think, Im not using that third grade stuff!
But then you ignore a great tool to help you in your life.
Rules to keep in mind...
1. Always think in the positive. We know that your mind cannot work on
the reverse of an idea. So affirmations like I will not fight with my boyfriend
or I will not be nervous will make the problem worse. Instead, Freddie and
I are happy and loving or I am relaxed.
2. Write or say out loud. If you just think your affirmations, your mind will
wander off to topics like Whats for lunch? and Where are my house keys?
Talking or writing involves more of your physical senses so the effect is more
powerful.
3. Repetition. Dont expect to turn your life around by telling yourself six
times, Im really happy!
The essential value of affirmations is that you can talk yourself into
something, whether you believe it or not. But it takes repetition.
In a nutshell
In the past you might have asked yourself, Why do I cop all the lousy stuff
and other people have a great life? Its not because God, whatever you
conceive him to be, has decided to punish you. But it may be that your
subconscious programs were giving you a hard time!
Nowhere is it written in the stars that anyone has to be a loser. If you have
struggled up until now, you now have some simple strategies visualization
and affirmations to improve your life.
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Theyre not happy. They just THINK theyre happy!
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Do Some People Really Want to Suffer?
Sometimes. They might figure...
1. IF I SUFFER ILL GET SOME SYMPATHY!
Maybe. But other peoples sympathy only lasts so long. Then
they get tired of your grumpy face and they want to punch it!
2. IF I SUFFER ILL GET EVERYONES ATTENTION.
THEY CAN ALL WATCH ME STRUGGLE.
Theres a big difference between getting love and
getting attention. Soap operas are better left on TV.
3. IF I SUFFER ENOUGH GOD WILL GET TIRED OF WATCHING
MY PAIN, AND HELL STEP IN AND FIX MY LIFE!
Dont hold your breath!
Happiness
Sickness
ometimes people control everyone around them by being sick.
Why would you do that? Lets say your friends and family
usually ignore you. Then you get sick and suddenly they are
all bringing food, medicine, videos, flowers and chocolates to your
bedside. Suddenly the whole family is NICE to you! You dont have
to help around the house. You get to miss school.
Then you get better, and suddenly its Frank, get off your
backside and clean up your room! Being sick seems pretty good,
doesnt it?
You say, But can you decide to be sick?
Well, at the very least you can stretch it out. Or pretend youre
sick. Also, when you are miserable, your immune system is weak.
So you fall sick more often.
Youll also notice that people who feel ignored or unloved or
helpless get sick more often. This seems to be how they control others
and get their own way.
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While being sick is a way to control other people, there are better ways to
get what you want.
If You Hate Your Parents...
Hating people is a bad idea this includes hating your parents. It takes a lot
of energy and there are also traps.
Sometimes we decide to fail just to punish our parents...
If you hate your parents, you naturally want to prove them wrong wherever
possible. And the best way to prove them wrong is to show them that they are
bad parents. And the way to prove that they are bad parents is by screwing
up your life by failing wherever possible! So you mess up your future just to
prove to them that they were bad parents.
Its a stupid strategy but people do it either consciously or unconsciously!
There are better ways to get attention and to get what you want.
One more operation we havent beaten this thing yet.
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You Find What You Look For
If you made a list of all the things that bug you, you could find thousands! Maybe
you dont like your nose or your teeth or perhaps you dont like your backside.
Probably your parents dont understand you, your best friend talks too much,
your bedroom is too small, you never have enough money and your girlfriend
has bad breath. As the list got longer, you would feel more depressed.
By adding to this list every day, you could keep yourself depressed for the
rest of your life!
If you made a list of all the positive things in your life, you could also find
thousands! Maybe you would say, I am reasonably healthy, Ive got two
good ears, good eyes, clothes to wear, Im getting an education, Im being
fed, I have a bed to sleep in, I have friends, good books to read, a computer,
a bicycle, this is an exciting time in history to be alive...
By reading through this list, and adding to it every day, you could stay
quite happy for the rest of your life!
Your happiness is not about the facts, its about what you decide to look for.
Of course, there are people who say, Positive thinking makes no
difference. But guess what! These are usually unhappy people. Why would
you take notice of them?
In a nutshell
Look for reasons to be happy and you will find them. Look for reasons to
be unhappy and you will find them. You find what you look for.
Tall and Small
Things dont always have to be good or bad. Why not just see them as
different? Lets talk about your height, for example:
Good things about being tall:
People notice you.
You have a great advantage in basketball and volleyball.
Supermodels are all tall.
You get a better view at the movies and at concerts.
You can reach things in high cupboards!
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Good things about being small:
Its more comfortable travelling in buses and airplanes.
Clothes and shoes take less room in your suitcase.
Your feet dont stick out the end of the bed.
Good things about being average:
It is easy to get shoes and clothes to fit.
You get a bigger selection of clothes to choose from.
Driving a car is more comfortable your head is always in the perfect
position.
One doesnt have to be better than the other. They are just different. And
this is true with most things in your life whether were talking about our
family, where we live, what we look like, our life experiences. Dont think
good or bad. Think different.
In a nutshell
Your attitude is more important than the facts!
What Do You Expect?
Have you noticed that whenever you leave the house angry, you seem to
meet angry people? When you leave school feeling irate, you find other
irate people at the bus stop. The reverse is also true. How different the world
looks when we fall in love!
The world is a mirror what you feel inside, you find on the outside
which is why you cant fix life by working on the outside.
If people on the street are unfriendly, changing streets doesnt help! If
nobody at school gives you any respect, changing schools wont fix it. You
have to change yourself.
The world is a reflection of you and your thoughts.
EXAMPLE: Fred is off to a party. He says, No one will want to talk to me.
I know Ill have a bad time! He arrives looking miserable. He hides in the
corner because hes convinced its not worth the effort. Everyone can see he
is having no fun so they dont talk to him. Fred succeeds in having a lousy
time! Then he blames the people at the party!
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EXAMPLE: Jane believes that people are basically friendly. Jane takes a
vacation to Spain. What kind of people will she find in Spain? Friendly
people! Wherever people are having fun, shell find them!
Bright and happy people find mostly bright and happy people. People
who always have a good time expect to have a good time.
Worry and Fear
Do you ever worry about things?
Did you ever worry yourself sick about test results? Or maybe you
scratched your dads car, and you said to yourself, Ill never survive this?
But what happened? Did you die?
Notice that your fear is never about what is happening now. It is nearly
always about what might happen, or what could happen. Your mind is in
the future and that causes all the stress.
Two things to remember:
Firstly, things usually have a way of sorting themselves out. Before now,
youve worried about lots of different things but you survived!
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Secondly, how much you worry makes no difference. (You might want to
share this information with your parents!) If you want to take some action to
fix a problem, wonderful! But sitting around fearing the worst and telling
everyone how worried you are achieves nothing.
Fred says, Of course I worry. I cant help what I think! If you cant help
what you think, Fred, who can?
If youre a worrier, heres one strategy for controlling worry:
Make a worry list. Anything you want to worry about you write on your
worry list... e.g. Will I pass my exams?, Does my boyfriend love me?, Is
my nose too big?... All go on your list.
Now you set yourself a time, say, three oclock on Saturday, when you will worry
about everything on the list. Until then you get on with enjoying your life.
Then when three oclock Saturday rolls around, youve got two options -
a) you can sit down and worry about everything thats on the list... and youll
save time because half of the things you were going to worry about will have
already happened, or
b) you can rip up the list and go to the movies. Im serious!
Its your mind and you can reschedule worry. You choose what you think.
Who decides what you think about, if not you?
One more thing to remember your mind is not a vacuum. If you want to
get worry out, you have to replace it with something. Worries will force their
way in unless you do something. You can say affirmations (see chapter 7), say
prayers, plan a strategy...
The best solution is to take action. Fix the problem.
Weve been conditioned to believe that responsible people worry, good
parents worry.
Responsible people take action but worry is destructive. It ruins your
health and it makes you bad company!
In a nutshell
When you take no action, and when you allow your mind to drift from the
present into the future, that is when fear will come and grab you by the throat.
Mark Twain once said, Ive been through some terrible things, some of which
actually happened!
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I Cant Help My Emotions!
Have you ever watched a two-year-old
playing? Hes crawling around on the
coffee table... and suddenly he falls
over on his head?
Whats the first thing he does? He looks
around to see who is watching, and then
depending on the audience, he decides on
his strategy... Will I laugh or cry? There is
a split second while he makes a decision.
What does this tell us? That when you are two
years old, and something goes wrong, you take a moment to decide whether
youll accept it calmly or whether youll kick and scream .
So what about when you are thirteen or thirty? Same deal. You choose your
emotions. Your neighbor is rude to you... You lose your wallet.... Your boyfriend
dumps you. You make a decision will I stay happy or will I kick and scream?
You decide.
Lets not pretend that emotions happen to us, as if they somehow arrive
from outer space. WE CHOOSE OUR EMOTIONS.
We Choose Happiness
Some people are mostly happy and some people are never happy. The fact is:
we choose happiness in spite of our problems.
Have you ever:
had an argument with your girlfriend?
failed a test?
been grounded by your parents?
been sick?
been let down by a friend?
Did you ever need money but your parents wouldnt give you any?
Did you ever lose a friend or a relative?
Did you ever do all the work and someone else got the credit?
These things happen to all of us, right? And when they happen, a lot of
people say This is going to ruin my day/week/year and it does.
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But the happiest people say, Whatever crazy stuff is going on in my life,
Im determined to be happy anyway.
Happiness is an act of will. You achieve it by taking control of your
thoughts. Its your mind. You decide what you think about.
I remember waiting for my life to get easier. I thought, When I have less
problems, then Ill be happy! Then I noticed something fascinating. The
happiest people I knew had more problems than I did!
Maybe you have noticed the same thing that people who seem to be
the happiest have usually had the toughest lives. They have lost family
members, they have lost money, they have suffered major illnesses and most
likely, they still have big problems! But they are happy because at some point
they decided happy is the only way to live.
Happiness doesnt just happen to you, like some accident. It is something
you choose.
I was recently chatting on radio in Cleveland, Ohio, with a lady called Rena.
Rena said to me, I just got divorced, I am currently being sued, my house just
burned down and now my doctors tell me that my cancer has returned for the
third time. But she said, You know, amongst all this, I am happy!
Rena was saying, You dont find happiness in the absence of problems, you
find it in spite of your problems! You choose it.
In a nutshell
You make the choice to be happy first. Happiness is a daily decision.
Why? or What?
How do you deal with disappointment?
Maybe you try out for the basketball team and you get cut. You apply for a
job and you get over-looked. You get a new bike and its stolen within a week,
you fall in love with the guy next door and he falls in love with the girl across
the street.
You might ask questions like...
Why me?
Why now?
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Why do I have so many problems?
Why did he leave me?
You can go round in circles with Why? questions.
Very often, the important question is not, Why?
The important question is, What?
1. What do I learn from this?
2. What am I going to do about it?
Is life fair? Probably not. But it doesnt matter why!
Once you ask, What do I learn and what am I going to do about it?, you
are on the rebound.
In a nutshell
Pretend that every event in your life has a purpose and your disappointments
will have a purpose. Every disaster in your life is not so much a disaster
as a situation waiting for you to change your mind about it.
We are not here to be punished. We are here to be educated.
Gratitude and Happiness
Most of us grow up with feedback that we are not OK.
We soon decide that our families, our houses, our
cars and our school results are not OK. We dwell
on whats missing. If only I had some respect
at school, if only I had better clothes... Is it any
wonder we find happiness so elusive?
Every time we feel thankful for something, we
feel better. Every time we say Thank you, we are
affirming: I accept what I have and where I am.
Happiness comes from concentrating on
what you have, not on what is missing.
In a nutshell
If you are serious about being happy, at some stage
youll need to feel thankfulness. If you say: When my
life gets better, then Ill be grateful, you never will be!
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Laws of Life
Something Can Be Staring You in the Face...
hen I was ten, my most prized possession was my
football. I ate with it, slept with it and I polished it
weekly... instead of my shoes. I knew all about football but
on some other things, like where babies came from, I was a little hazy.
One afternoon I was playing in the street and I lost my precious
ball. I looked everywhere. I figured someone had stolen it.
Eventually I spotted a woman who seemed to be hiding it under
her jacket. So I marched up and asked her: What do you think
youre doing with my football stuck up your shirt?
It turned out that she didnt have my football but that
afternoon I learned where babies come from and what a woman
looks like when she is nine months pregnant.
Later that day, I also found my ball.
What fascinated me most of all, was why, before the age of ten,
I had never noticed a pregnant woman... and why, from then
onward, I seemed to be surrounded by them.
In a nutshell
We reach points in our lives when we are ready for new
information. Until then, something can be staring us in the face
but we dont see it.
Natural Laws
If you take an elevator ride to the top of the tallest building in
town, then sneak out onto the roof and step off, what will happen?
You will experience gravity!
What if you dont believe in gravity? Will you fall?
What if you sneak onto the roof at 3.00am and step off?
Will you still fall?
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Gravity is a natural law. It doesnt care whether you believe in it or not.
It happens.
Natural laws govern the universe and everything in it. These laws control
the movement of the planets, the cycles of the tides and the changes of the
season. And you dont have to believe in them.
Most people accept that everything in the universe is governed by
invisible laws like gravity, magnetism, electricity. But when it comes to
their own lives, and their own successes and failures, they talk of fate,
chance and unlucky breaks.
There are other natural laws and principles that affect your life just as
much as gravity. How you use them, determines your success or failure. Just
like gravity, they are invisible but you see their effects! Whether you are a
bushman in the Kalahari or a computer programmer, the same rules apply.
You either can work with them or bash your head against them.

The Law of the Seed
Take a look at an apple tree. There might be five
hundred apples on the tree, each with ten seeds.
You might ask, Why would you need so
many seeds to grow just a few more trees?
Nature has something to teach us here. Its
telling us: Most seeds never grow. So if you really
want to make something happen, you had
better try more than once.
This might mean:
Youll attend twenty interviews to get one job.
Youll try on ten pairs of shoes to get a perfect fit.
Youll meet a hundred kids at school to find one
special friend.
It also means successful people fail more
often they plant more seeds!
In addition, the law of the seed says, You reap
your harvest after you do the work. You dig the
soil and water the seed (effort), wait a while
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(patience), and then you pick your beans. Effort + patience = results.
Sometimes we forget this principle. We ask, If I plant beans today, what
will I get back tomorrow? And the answer is, Wet bean seeds. The law
of the seed says, You plant today and you harvest... later! Plant beans
now, pick beans in four months.
Fred says, If I enjoyed school, then I would really work hard, but I dont
like it so I dont work. Wrong, Fred! You only start to enjoy it AFTER you
put in the work. Thats when you start to feel good about it.
Effort first, harvest second. Its a principle.
Mary says, Promote me, and then Ill quit sleeping on the job. Frank
says, Pay me more and Ill stop being sick. Jane says, If I had a good
relationship, I would be nice to my boyfriend. Wrong way around. We
need the effort first.
When we understand the Law of the Seed, we dont get so disappointed.
We stop feeling like victims.
Laws of nature are not things to take personally. We just need to
understand them and work with them.
The Law of Cause and Effect
You never hear anyone saying, I get up early, Im exercising my body, I
study hard, Im putting maximum effort into all my work and nothing
good is happening in my life.
If your life is dull and boring, examine
how much effort you are putting into it!
Your life is an energy system and you
know about energy systems from
physics.
You put energy in, you get something
out. You put effort in, you get results.
Success always requires effort. Even
for those kids in school who seem to get
straight As without a minutes study.
You can bet that most of them go home
and study their brains out! But they like
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to look smart, so they pretend they never do any work. Dont believe it.
In a nutshell
Want better results?
Raise your effort.
Waves
Life happens in waves. You
know about sound waves, light
waves, brain waves, microwaves. In nonscientific terms, waves demonstrate
that things have a tendency to travel in bunches.
This means family crises, invitations to birthday parties, car repair bills
and homework assignments also tend to travel in bunches. If you
remember this, you dont get so stressed. You can plan ahead. When you
strike a month without bills, you say to yourself, Ill put something aside
for the next wave.
When you get swamped by the next wave, you say to yourself, I know
about these waves this is only temporary.
One Thing Leads to Another
Sometimes it seems like other people have all the luck!
Lets say your friends all have great part-time jobs. They make good
money. You also need a job to make some money and the only work you
can find is in a car wash. You ask yourself, Do I want to stand out in the
wind and rain, washing cars and making almost nothing?
If washing cars is the only job you can find, go for it! Sometimes we can
make the mistake of being too selective. We might reject an opportunity,
reasoning: Its not quite the job I want. If its all youve got for the
moment, grab it, master it, and watch it lead you from one thing to
another. If you have nothing big going for you, start small. Jump in the water.
You progress in life by:
a) developing your skills
b) being seen by the right people
c) demonstrating your commitment.
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If you go work in the car wash, chances are:
1. Youll get confidence you didnt have before and thats helpful.
2. Someone will notice you, or someone will promote you, or someone will
hear that you are washing cars and ask you to work for them, or one day
some guy will drive into the car wash and say, You are so polite, and such
a good worker come and work for me and Ill pay you twice what you
make here.
No experience is wasted. Also, its easier to get employed in a second job
if you already have some experience in a first job.
Start anywhere you can. Give your best shot to whatever is in front of
you, and opportunity will begin to find you. Its called developing a
reputation. Its called one thing leads to another.
As You Get Better, The Game Gets Bigger
When we succeed at a little game, we get to play in a bigger game... and
an even bigger game.
When we start school, we begin in Grade One. Next we move up to Grade
Two, Three and so on. Its an effective system, and the principle is, When
you get BETTER, the game gets BIGGER.
Somewhere along the way, people lose track of this concept. Frank is
struggling to make his car payments. In twenty years of working, he has
saved exactly eighty-seven cents. He says: If I had a million bucks, Id
know how to take care of it! Wrong! Your current mission, Frank, is to learn
to save ten dollars. Hundreds come before thousands... and you work your
way up to the million.
Life is a gradual progression. The question is always: WHAT ARE YOU
DOING WITH WHAT YOU HAVE? While the answer is not much, nothing
gets better.
In a nutshell
Life rewards effort, not excuses.
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Everything Is Connected!
Have you noticed that whenever you exercise regularly, you feel like eating
healthier food?
Have you noticed that when you eat healthier food, you have more
energy so you feel like exercising more?
Everything in life is connected.
The way you think affects the way you feel.
The way you feel affects the way you walk.
The way you walk affects the way you talk.
The way you talk affects the way you think.
Effort you put into one part of your life affects all the other parts.
When you work a little harder at school, you feel a little happier at home.
When you are getting on better at home, you feel happier at school.
So what does all this mean? Everything is connected and everything
affects everything else.
This means:
1. That to improve your life you can start on ANY positive path. You might
start with a savings plan, a goal list or a fitness program. That positive path
will lead to other positive results because everything is connected.
2. It doesnt matter WHERE you start to put more effort into your life. It
matters THAT you start.
3. It works both ways! If you let one part of your life collapse, everything will
begin to spiral downward. This keeps us paying attention!
In a nutshell
When you put some effort into one part of your life, you feel better in the
other parts. Everything you do matters!
Little Things Count
I used to paint portraits for a living. People would ask me, What is the
secret to getting a likeness?
Theres no secret. Getting a painting to look like a person depends on a
thousand things. Its in the eyes and getting the right size, slant, color and
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distance apart. Its in the angle of the nose. Its in the shape of the mouth
and getting the particular curve of the lips. And theres the skin tone, the
shape and tilt of the head, the expression....
Which makes painting like playing a round of golf a thousand things
matter...
To hit just one good shot, you picture it in your mind, you bend your
knees, keep your head still, relax your grip, take a smooth swing, forget this
mornings argument with your girlfriend, relax your body, choose the right
club, watch the ball.
Which makes golfing like managing a restaurant...
A thousand things make it work... clean bathrooms, good location,
interesting menu, a clean kitchen, friendly staff, quality ingredients. And
some weeks it will still lose money!
Success at anything is not the result of doing one big thing right. It is
the sum total of doing hundreds of things as well as you can, consistently
and repeatedly.
Improvement is the result of getting better at each little thing.
Losers hope that a lucky break is someday going to change their lives.
Winners know that consistent effort in all the little things, every day,
changes your life.
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In a nutshell
The secret is... theres no secret.
Discipline
Have the discipline to do little things you dont like, and you can spend your
life doing the big things you do like.
Discipline is not everyones favourite word. In popularity, it probably slots
somewhere between dentist and diarrhea. But self-discipline makes all the
difference. Life is a trade-off between instant pleasure and long term reward.
Self-discipline in the little things studying instead of TV leads to a big
thing better results.
Self-discipline in the little things three sessions a week at the gym leads
to a big thing a healthier life.
Self-discipline in the little things saving five dollars a day instead of
blowing it on junk food leads to a big thing your own car.
The key to self-discipline is knowing WHY you want something. If you
have a target and something to save for, its easier to save. If you are clear
about why you want to improve your results, its easier to study.
Something else about discipline: when you are self-disciplined, you dont
need to get discipline from anywhere else. As a result, you run your own life
and people dont tell you what to do.
When you dont have self-discipline, you get it from outside. People who
cant discipline themselves often slot into jobs where they take orders.
People who have absolutely no self-discipline, get themselves locked up!
The Frog Principle
There is an old story about a frog and a bucket of water. It illustrates the
law of deterioration...
If you take an intelligent, happy frog and drop him into a bucket of
boiling water, what will the frog do? Jump out! Instantly, the frog decides:
This is no fun Im gone!
But take the same frog, or a relative, and drop him into a bucket of cold
water, put the bucket on the stove and gradually heat up the bucket. What
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then? The frogs relaxing, and a few minutes later he says to himself: It
seems warm in here. Soon enough, you have a cooked frog.
The moral of the story? When change is gradual, the frog doesnt notice
what is happening until its too late. Like the frog, we can also be fooled,
and suddenly its too late!
QUESTION If you woke tomorrow 40 pounds heavier, would you be
worried? Sure you would! You would be calling the hospital: Emergency!
Im fat! But when things happen gradually, a pound this month, a pound
next month, we tend to let it go. Suddenly you are 40 pounds heavier.
When you overspend on your budget by ten dollars in one day, its no big
deal. But if you do it again tomorrow, and the next day, and the next, you
end up broke. For people who go broke, put on weight, fail their exams, it
usually isnt one big disaster its a bit today and a bit tomorrow and then
one day Kaboom! and they say: What happened?
Little things add up to big things like the drops of water that wear away
the rock. The frog principle is telling us to watch the trends. Each day, we
ask ourselves: Where am I heading? Am I fitter, healthier, happier, more
prosperous than I was last year? If not, we need to change what were doing.
In a nutshell
Heres the scary thing theres no standing still. Youre either gaining or
slipping.
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Say Brad, did I ever tell you bout the time I nearly sprained my ankle?
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Your Strategy
Does Positive Thinking Help?
magine you are sitting in a jumbo somewhere over Europe,
and an engine falls off the wing. How would you want the
pilot to react? Would you want your captain saying: Stay
calm and buckle up! This will be bumpy but well find a way
home?
Or would you want your captain running up and down the aisle
yelling: Well all be killed! Well all be killed!? Which fellow is
more likely to get you down safely?
Now think about your everyday life in which you are your own
pilot. Which approach is most likely to solve your problems: Well
find a way, or Well all be killed? This is the essence of positive
thinking. It doesnt offer guarantees, but it gives you your best
chance.
Losers focus on whats difficult until all they see are problems.
Positive thinkers think about whats possible. In concentrating on
the possibilities, they make things happen.
Watch Your Mouth
Fred and Bob are opponents in a boxing match. Fred says, Ill
try and win, Bob says, I will win. Who would you put your
money on?
The words we use tell people how serious we are.
What do you know about people who say, Ill try to be on time?
They are always late. What about people who say, Ill try to be
there? They never show up! The word try is for losers. It means
you are a leaf in the breeze.
People of action dont use wimpy words like try. When James
Bond spots a supermodel about to fall into a burning volcano, he
doesnt say Ill TRY to save you!
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Substitute the word will for try. I will do it, I will be there, I will
pass chemistry.
Another word that we often use dishonestly is cant.
Lets say you havent learned to swim yet. Someone asks, Can you swim?
Better to say, Not yet! No doubt you could swim when you take the time.
To say I cant suggests the condition is permanent which is not true.
Am I getting too technical? No. The words you use give messages to your
subconscious. They tell the story, Am I in control? or Am I out of
control?
Keep Your Promises
How often do friends tell you things like:
Ill help and then they dont;
Ill call you and then they dont;
Ill pay you back the money I owe you and they forget all about it.
How do you feel about friends like that? You lose respect for them. You
dont trust them.
If you want other people to respect you, keep your promises. Avoid
making commitments you dont intend to keep. If someone asks you to do
something, and you dont want to do it, say Not this time but if I change
my mind, Ill call you.
This strategy keeps you from getting into awkward situations. It makes
life simpler and saves you embarrassment. When you are careful about
your promises your friends begin to trust you. The bonus is that you begin
to believe in yourself.
Successful people dont take themselves too seriously BUT they take their
word very seriously.
Get Organized and Throw Out the Junk!
Want to feel better about yourself? Clean out your room and get rid of the
junk. Really!
Psychological tests show that people suffer more stress in cluttered rooms
and cluttered offices. In clean spaces we feel more relaxed and energetic.
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Healthy rivers flush themselves out. Trees drop old leaves and fruit. Your
body feels better when you clean it out. So does your bedroom.
We can learn from nature. Nature keeps what is essential and gets rid of
the garbage. Its called organization.
If you want to feel better about your life, your studies, get organised. Clean
up your desk, organize your books, your folders. You might say, My desk is
a mess, but its an organized mess. I am actually very efficient! Oh really!
How would you feel about being
wheeled into an operating theater
for brain surgery, to find the medical
team standing amongst piles of old
needles, bandages, old bottles and
hamburger wrappings. The head surgeon says,
Relax, its a mess in here but were in total control!
Wherever performance counts, there is
organization. Firemen always know where
to find their helmets, ambulance drivers
have one spot for car keys.
When you clean up, set small goals.
Rather than say, Im going to clean the
whole room, aim to do one cupboard.
Then tackle another cupboard.
Build momentum.
The hardest bit is starting.
Ask People!
When you were four years
old, you were very good at
asking. Mom can I have
an ice cream? Dad will
you buy me a water pistol?
You are probably still very
good at asking your parents
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for presents, money, favours or just about anything!
But perhaps you forget to ask other people for help.
If you have tried your very best to fix your bike, understand your computer
software, make the soccer team and you are really stuck, ask yourself
who you know that may be able to help you out. Neighbours, teachers and
friends are often delighted to help. But they cant help you if you dont ask.
People can be very helpful and generous with their time. They will
be particularly helpful if they if they can see that you have already made a
big effort.
In a nutshell
If you dont ask, you dont get.
Learn from People
You learned to speak by listening to your family and friends. You learned
to walk, eat, sing, and do most things, by watching people around you.
They were your role models.
Guess what! The technique still works. If you want to get better at
anything, study other people.
Watch confident people walk and walk how they walk.
Listen to confident people talk and talk how they talk.
Find a wealthy person and save how he saves!
If you want to be a good student, a fine athlete, a top musician, find
yourself a good role model. Ask questions. Get inside their heads. Learn to
think how they think.
Of course, in time youll develop your own style, but a role model can get
you rolling!
Tell People Before They Find Out
Imagine that you borrowed Dads new car. His last words to you were,
Whatever you do, dont scratch it! Within 20 minutes of leaving the
garage, youve already smashed a headlight and scraped the paint off the
drivers side door.
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When you get home that night, you are hoping
Dad is asleep then you wont have to tell him.
Unfortunately, he is still watching TV. So you say to
yourself, Dad is relaxing now, I wont bother him.
Ill tell him later.
Soon he switches off the TV. You tell yourself, I dont
want to spoil his nights sleep Ill tell him in the morning.
When you get up next morning Dad is eating breakfast.
You tell yourself, If I confess now, hell get indigestion.
Ill tell him later.
The phone rings. Its one of Dads employees calling about a disaster at
work. Dad seems upset by the phone call!
You tell yourself, Hes angry now Id better not tell him about the car
when hes angry! Next thing, Dad walks into the garage, sees his car and
storms back into the house. Now he is really mad. Now he wants to kill you.
Look what happened here. You postponed the inevitable. Instead of
telling Dad up front, you put yourself through an extra 12 hours of stress.
When he found out, you got more stress!
If you make a mistake, the best time to own up to it is as soon as possible.
It minimizes your suffering. People, and even parents, will respect your
honesty and courage.
In a nutshell
Life works best when we take control of the situation. If you have made a
bad mistake, tell people before they find out.
Power
If you have ever swung a bat or kicked a goal, you know that sport can be
great fun. And what you learn at the ping pong table, on the badminton
court, on the ski slopes, you can apply to the rest of your life. For example:
Keep your cool. Getting angry never works. Have you ever seen a tennis
player get angry? Hes history. What about irate boxers and race car drivers?
Dead meat! The same goes for parents and school teachers.
Dont hate your opponent lift your performance! Hating things and
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people drains your energy, poisons your body
and takes your mind off what you are meant to
be doing.
Live in the present moment. It is possible
to think too much. You bowl your best ball, throw
your best pitch, shoot your best shot when you
forget about the score. The less you worry about
winning and about what other people think,
the better you perform.
Forcing things never works. Real power comes
when you are relaxed. Try clubbing a baseball with brute
strength! You are most powerful when you are not trying
to prove you are powerful! This also applies to
relationships.
If you think the world is against
you, it is. Blaming other people doesnt work.
Once you decide that everything is going wrong that the umpires, the referees,
the wind and the ball are trying to ruin your life, they will. Successful athletes
are like any other effective people they take maximum responsibility. They
dont blame their mothers.
Extraordinary performance stems from extraordinary commitment.
The casual observer assumes that a Kobi Bryant or a Tiger Woods was simply
born with more talent. But all people are born with gifts. A closer look reveals
that the stars demand more of themselves than anybody else.
In sport and life you must concentrate on what you want. (This is
some revision from Chapter 5.) When you think about what you dont want
to happen, e.g. a double fault, a slice into the water hazard, a dropped catch,
it happens! Why? Your mind works on pictures. Whenever you tell yourself:
Dont hit the ball into the net!, your mind creates a picture of the bad shot.
It then goes to work with the only mental picture it has a picture of a ball in
the net. And you make it happen!
Fear is a killer, not just in sport, but during a job interview, during a speech,
during anything where you want to perform. When you concentrate on what
you fear, and create those disaster pictures in your head, you are heading for
disaster. Concentrate on what you want.
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In a nutshell
Play some sport not for the trophies you get, but for the lessons you
can learn.
When to Quit?
Imagine youve started learning piano and already you are thinking: This
is too hard. Maybe Ill learn the triangle... Or maybe youve begun a physics
class and you cant believe how complicated it is! You ask yourself, Is it time
to quit and look for something easier?
No! The best time to quit is AFTER YOUVE SUCCEEDED! Why? Because,
success is more about persistence than talent.
With practice you can probably do most things quite well maybe not
like an expert, but reasonably well. And you dont know how much fun
something is until you can do it reasonably well.
Until you can play a dozen songs on your piano, youll never know the thrill
of making music. Until you have passed a physics class, you dont know how
good it feels.
Of course, sometimes you try something and its obvious, This was a really
dumb idea! But otherwise, its all about persistence.
When you finish whatever you start, two things happen:
1. You consider carefully before starting something, and
2. You develop a success habit.
Set a fair target, achieve it, and then decide if youll quit. Its amazing how
a little success can change your mind!
Ants
We can learn a lot from ANTS!
Find an ant thats going about his business, and put
your foot in his way! What will he do? Hell try getting
under it, hell try getting over it, hell try going
through it. How long will he try? Until he dies!
Now thats determination: try until you die!
In a nutshell
You are never beaten until you quit.
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Did this ever happen to you?
You visit a friend and ask, What are you doing today?
And they say, Nothin
And you say, What did you do yesterday?
And they say, Nothin
And you say, Well, what do you plan
to do with the rest of your life?
And they say, Beats me.
Goals: Why Bother?
hat is it like spending time around people like that?
Boring! You feel like slapping them around the head
or throwing a bucket of cold water over them.
Interesting people are going places. They are excited. If you want
to spend your whole life just floating about, you might as well
be an ameba. Its possible to spend your life doing nothing and
going nowhere but you bore yourself and everybody around you
to death!
Its What You Become...
Sometimes we pick up the newspaper and read where an
accountant has just rowed across the Atlantic in a bathtub, or
where a librarian is maybe riding a camel across the United States.
We might ask ourselves, Why not take a plane?
The answer to that is, If you travel by bathtub (or camel), you
arrive a whole different person from the one that left! Not only do
you reach your destination knowing a lot more about stars and rain
and navigation you know a lot more about yourself, and about
your own courage and capabilities.
Buying a plane ticket doesnt have the same effect.
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When you set yourself a goal to learn the guitar or compete in a triathlon,
when you set a goal to get a degree or a promotion, or to learn French,
you arrive at your goal a different person from the one that started.
Thats what goals are really about what they make of us in the process
of achieving them. Thats why we bother.
Your friends dont always understand this idea! So you may set yourself a
goal maybe a fitness goal or an academic goal or personal goal and
your friends say, Why bother? What are you trying to prove?
They may say, Its too hard! It takes too much time. You might fail!
Its easier to stay in bed!
This may all be true. Thats why youll feel so good when you reach your
goal!
In a nutshell
We set goals not for what we GET, but for what we BECOME.
Its OK to Be Wrong
Lets say you try out for the lead in the school play, and you discover you
dont like acting. Thats terrific. Youve discovered something more about
yourself. Tick it off the list. Now you can say, Forget Hollywood! How else
would you know but by trying?
Imagine you begin a law degree and dont like it. Thats OK. (I know I
started law and hated it!) How else could you know but by trying?
You become happy and prosperous by doing lots of things, making
plenty of mistakes, and taking the time to learn from things that didnt
work.
In school we learn to fear mistakes. The goal is, Make as few mistakes
as possible and youll be at the top of the class. This works for
examinations. It doesnt work as well for life in general.
We learn more from mistakes. When we win, we usually celebrate. Often
we get cocky.
Blunders and disappointments hurt so much, we go away and think
about them. We get serious. When we fail, we go to work. We try harder, we
come back stronger. We surprise the competition.
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Einstein failed mathematics at school. Abraham Lincoln had ten
different election failures over 30 years before he finally became president.
Failure is not an end.
Failure is a beginning.
The question is, Does failure make you bitter or does it make you better?
People Dont
Encourage Me!
Maybe people dont encourage
you. Maybe people dont
believe in you. It happens
to the best of us!
The most popular singer
in history...
In 1954 Elvis Presley gave
one performance at the Grand
Ole Opry and then was fired by
the manager, Jimmy Denny.
Denny told Presley, You aint
goin nowhere, son. Go back
to drivin a truck.
What if Elvis had said, I quit?
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What if...
Perhaps you had the idea that great students, top actors, famous singers
and top athletes succeed because they are lucky. Wrong!
They make it because they want it more than anybody else.
Ill repeat that They succeed because they want it more than
anybody else.
In a nutshell
Luck is never enough.
The greatest basketball
player in history...
Michael Jordan was cut from his
high school varsity basketball
team. You probably know the rest.
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But Circumstances
Are Against Me!
In 2001, Oprah Winfrey was
crowned by Forbes Magazine as
the worlds highest paid
entertainer. But she didnt start
out that way!
She was born to teenage
parents in extreme poverty. As
a child she was sexually
abused by male relatives. She
spent her teens in and out
of trouble. At 14 she gave birth
to a premature baby who died
soon after. She used drugs. For
much of her life she has been
overweight.
Her first job at nineteen was
with a little radio station in
Nashville. With study, hard work
and belief in herself, she became an
international phenomenon. She heads
a huge corporation, she owns her own
studio and directs movies. She won an Oscar
nomination for Best Supporting Actress in
The Color Purple. She also makes enormous
contributions to charities in time, effort and money.
She is one of the worlds most powerful people and she has also had the
courage to tell her story.
There is a pattern amongst people who achieve their dreams. They often
start from a long way behind. You find sickly asthmatics who became
champion athletes, you find multi-millionaires who began with nothing.
You find a thousand stories of illiterate immigrants who became college
professors and company presidents.
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When the odds are stacked against you, you develop a mental toughness.
If youve had it tough until now, you have an advantage! The strength you
developed just to survive is your secret weapon.
If It Doesnt Kill You...
The American cyclist Lance Armstrong competed at the 2000 Olympics
with a broken neck. Armstrong had a head-on collision with a car a month
earlier, suffering severe bruising and fracturing his C7 vertebrae.
But that didnt stop Armstrong. He came to Sydney and won a bronze
medal in the time trial.
Lance has a habit of proving that old saying: Whatever doesnt kill you
makes you stronger.
In 1997 he contracted testicular cancer. When it spread to his abdomen,
lungs and brain, doctors gave him a forty percent chance of survival. But
Armstrong did more than survive. He got back on his bike and won the
worlds toughest road race the Tour de France three times in row, in 1999,
2000 and 2001.
South African Terrence Parkin won silver in the 200 meter breast stroke
at the Sydney Olympics. Parkin is totally deaf. He cant hear the starting
gun and cant hear the crowd cheering!
These are just two examples of a common theme. Every top athlete deals
with illness, injury and massive disappointment.
I get inspired by people like Lance Armstrong. It reminds me of what we
can do when we are really serious! And I tell myself, If this guy can cycle
1000 kilometers a week, I can run ten!
In a nutshell
No one gets anything that easy.
Theres always a story
behind the story.
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The Law of Progress
Lets say you have a goal any goal. Maybe you are saving for a bike. Or
perhaps you want to get fit or improve your school results. (Now take a look
at the graph.)

Do you think your progress would follow the path of the wavy line or the
straight line?
You can bet its the wavy line.
Any progress consists of ups and downs. Watch a tree grow. It grows some
leaves and along comes a storm and blows some away. It grows more leaves
and along comes a storm and blows some away. Watch the stock markets or
the tides at the beach. There are ups and downs. Youll have ups and downs.
But keep up your effort and youll get to where youre going.
Quitters dont understand this. They figure that progress should all be one
way up. As soon as they start to slide a little, they think the game is over,
and they give up.
Understand the progress principle and etch it in your mind. It might
change your life.
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The Bonus of Setting Goals
Lets say you love rock music. So you and a few friends decide to start a little
rock band.
Heres the interesting thing: your goal might be to make music, but youll
learn about more than making music:
Youll probably need to buy equipment so you might learn about
earning money and saving money and maybe about paying off a loan.
Youll learn something about organising people so that your practice
sessions happen.
You will learn about hard work as you strive to refine your sound.
You will likely learn something about electronics.
In promoting your band, you will learn some things about marketing.
When you begin to charge for your performances, you will learn about
business.
Your goal was making music, but look where it took you!
How often does this happen... someone starts learning a language, say
Japanese. As they progress, they become fascinated by the culture. They
take a trip to Japan. Before long, they are living in Tokyo or working for a
Japanese company or married to a Japanese person.
The goal was to learn Japanese and in the end it changed their life.
Whenever you set out to achieve a goal, whether its building a website,
breeding canaries or saving a thousand dollars, it takes you places and gets
you into things you never dreamed of.
That is why we set ourselves goals to make our life interesting.
Take the Plunge!
Has this ever happened to you? Its Saturday morning and your whole day
is planned. You and your friends are heading for the mall, then a movie,
then dinner and then a party!
As you are leaving the house, you discover your mother between you and
the front door When are you going to clean your bedroom?
And you say, Tomorrow.
And she says, You said that last week.
She looks angry Get back upstairs. You dont leave this house until you
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tidy your room!
Back upstairs, you fight your way into the
bedroom amid pizza cartons, dirty socks,
empty coke cans, school books, newspapers,
nose drops, coffee cups, old tissues,
magazines, CDs, sweaty gym shorts,
batteries, rollerblades, handkerchiefs,
a dozen dirty T-shirts... The usual stuff.
You think, This has to be the
worst job in the world!
Silently cursing, you start stacking
magazines and CDs, putting dirty clothes
in the basket, pencils and erasers into the drawer,
pizza cartons into the bin. You even wipe the chocolate caramel off the PC.
Things are looking better.
Suddenly you have a vision... I could have a tidy bedroom. You feel a
surge in your chest and you begin to plan: Ill reorganize my shelves, label
my videos, Ill have a special jar for ball-points. Ill even empty my waste
basket every week! Now youre on a mission. Youre creating the worlds
cleanest bedroom! You vacuum the floor and even make the bed!
You would hate to admit it, but you are almost enjoying yourself!
This is the bedroom cleaning principle, and it applies to writing essays,
digging ditches, going to the gym, washing the car. You only get excited
about doing things after you start. You take the plunge, and then you feel
the energy and excitement.
We sometimes make the mistake of saying:
When I get the energy, Ill begin jogging every morning! No! You start first.
When I feel more enthusiastic, Ill do my homework. Wrong.

In a nutshell
You get the energy and the enthusiasm for the job after you begin. You get
the energy as a result of your involvement. The secret is to make a start.
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Money
If you want to get fit, you need a plan
you have to run and work out every day.
If you want good grades you need a
plan you need to do some study every day.
If you want money you need a plan
you need to save a little every day.
You dont save money by accident.
You need a goal and you need
a strategy.
To accumulate money for
the things you want in life,
remember this:
Save first, and
spend whats left.
Poor people do the opposite.
Poor people spend first and save
whats left which is usually nothing!
Quentin Kenihan
Twelve years ago in a restaurant in Adelaide, Australia, I met thirteen year-
old Quentin Kenihan. He was confined to a wheelchair and his tiny body
was the size of a three-year-old.
His father Geoff told me, Quentin suffers from a rare bone disease,
osteogenesis-imperfecta. His body is so fragile that he has had 300 broken
bones since birth. He has spent half his life in hospital. Geoff said, We had
steel rods put in his legs to try and help him walk. But his muscles are too
weak to support him.
I remember wondering, What is this kid going to do with his life?
Now 26, Quentin would still be three feet tall but he is unable to stand.
In the last 12 years he has broken 328 more bones about every bone in
his body except his neck. He gets more pain in a week than most people get
in a lifetime. He was also run over by a car in 1999.
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But that hasnt stopped Quentin. He is currently studying for a degree in
film making at Flinders University. He says, I know what I want to achieve.
I may never get there but the journey sure is fun!
His last job was in marketing and now Quentin has his own media
production company. He has already made television commercials, two
short films and two documentaries. He has written scripts for other films.
He now lives by himself. He needs help to
get out of bed, he needs help to wash and
dress himself. His family and a lot of
caring people support him. They
support him because he has guts,
a great sense of humor and a
huge fighting spirit.
People help Quentin because
he helps himself.
My wife, Julie, spoke to
Quentin last week. He was
back in hospital with a
fracture in his back. Five
days later he flew to L.A.
to film the Oscars.
What a guy!
In a nutshell
Says Quentin,
The more time
you sit around the
house and bitch
about why not,
the less time you
spend going out
and doing it.
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Why Not You?
hen I was a kid, we used to visit family friends,
the Zerners. They always had Coca-Cola in their
refrigerator. (Mom said it was because they were rich.
At home, we drank water.) So I figured once you had Coke at your
house, you had really made it. Then one day we got some Coke
in our refrigerator. Only then did I realize Coca-Cola didnt make
you a superstar.
For a while it seemed to me people who wore suits had really
made it. Dad only wore suits to funerals, and I figured that didnt
count. Then gradually it dawned on me that wearing a suit didnt
make you a genius.
When I was twelve, I wanted to be Prime Minister of Australia.
Prime Ministers would know it all! I changed my mind about
that one.
Until I started writing books, I thought authors must have all the
information.
Maybe, at times, you have thought the same that there are
people who are born to be happy or successful. There arent.
Successful people arent superhuman. They have one brain,
twenty-four hours in the day, and usually, two arms and legs.
In a nutshell
Nobody is born with special permission to be happy or successful.
God doesnt come down from a cloud and say: Now is your time!
He doesnt say: You can, or You cant. YOU DO!
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Every Day Counts
As kids, most of us heard the story of the tortoise and the hare.
We heard how the tortoise and the hare had a race. The hare took off at
great speed. Before long he was within sight of the finishing line, and being
so far ahead, he decided to take a nap. The tortoise continued slowly and
steadily toward his goal. When the hare finally woke up, he couldnt believe
his eyes. There was the tortoise crossing the line!
There is a reason why this story has been told a million times and why
it is still being told.
Its your story.
Whatever you want to achieve, steady effort is the best way to get there.
If you are learning French, if you are saving for a bike, if you are
practising your free throws or struggling to pass chemistry, if you want to
be a cross-country champion, if you want to get to Harvard or if you want
to be happy, its regular, daily, unspectacular effort that will get you
there.
Life is a building process. Every day counts.
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Books by Andrew Matthews
FOLLOW YOUR HEART
The international #1 bestseller.
This book is about:
doing what you love
dealing with bills and disasters
discovering your own power
finding peace of mind
Its also about:
how HAPPY people think
why rich people make money,
even by accident
what losers do and how not to
be like them.
ISBN: 0-646-31066-6
BEING HAPPY!
Over 1 million copies sold in
50 countries in 18 languages.
Its about:
understanding yourself
forgiving yourself
being able to laugh at yourself
why some people always seem
to be in the right place at the
right time and how you can
be one of them.
Its about BEING HAPPY!
ISBN: 981-00-0664-0
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Andrew Matthews
MAKING FRIENDS
Andrews best
selling book about:
relationships
dealing with anger
being able to say No
enjoying people.
Used in corporations and
schools around the world.
ISBN: 981-00-1953-X
HAPPINESS IN A NUTSHELL
The hugely popular pocket
book of Andrew Matthews
favourite sayings.
ISBN: 0-9577572-6-3
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Writing a book on teenagers for teenagers is a challenging task. In his
book, Andrew identified their problems and tackled them with humour.
He offered positive and practical solutions. I am very happy that the
book is now accessible to Thai readers.
ABHISIT VEJJAJIVA
Member of Parliament, Democrat Party, THAILAND
I absolutely loved BEING A HAPPY TEEN. So simple and clear
I have taken away ideas that I constantly use in my everyday life.
CRAIG BAUM
New Orleans, USA
Your books have changed my life.
I am happier and a much better person. Thank you.
RONALD MERVIN SISON
Manila, The Philippines
Andrew Matthews makes simple what used to be complicated.
KEN BLANCHARD, Ph.D,
Co-author of The One Minute Manager
A lot of people tried to help me but it seemed nothing could help
then my sister gave me your book. It is great how you explain every-
thing with simple examples. It really helped me. THANK YOU!
ASHLEIGH JONES, 14
Woollongong, AUSTRALIA
READERS COMMENTS
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Andrew Matthews
BEING A HAPPY TEEN is vital for every child growing up in
todays rapidly changing world. Its infinite wisdom is more
valuable to a child than knowledge learnt from a textbook.
CAT RIGBY
Port Douglas, Australia

Your book is really for teenagers in a modern world.
PURINET BUASAP, 16
Bangkok, Thailand

Andrew Matthews ability to connect
with young people is quite extraordinary!
WAYNE JOHNSON,
Principal, Grant High School, Australia

I am a year 7 teacher and I have been using Andrew Matthews book,
BEING A HAPPY TEEN in my class for the last 3 years. This book is
like a bible for teenagers. It conveys such positive, easy to understand
messages about making friends, tackling challenges, saying no to
drugs, dealing with problems at home...
This stuff is the real stuff. What is more important, the teenagers enjoy
it. My class spends a year going through the book from cover to cover.
MATT JOLLY
Queensland, Australia
READERS COMMENTS
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Andrew Matthews
About Andrew Matthews
Andrew Matthews speaks to corporations worldwide on happiness
and attitude. His books, including Follow Your Heart, Happiness
Now, Happiness in a Nutshell and Being a Happy Teen are
published in 35 different languages.
To see more of Andrews books and cartoons visit
www.andrewmatthews.com
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