The Passion Considered as an Uphill Bicycle Race

by Alfred Jarry translated by Roger Shattuck

Please note the text source: Selected Works of Alfred Jarry, edited by Roger Shattuck & Simon Watson Taylor, e! "ork, #ro$e Press %&'(), &'*+,

-arabbas, slated to race, !as scratched. Pilate, the starter, /ulling out his cle/sydra or !ater clock, an o/eration !hich !et his hands unless he had merely s/it on them 00 Pilate ga$e the send0off. Jesus got a!ay to a good start. 1n those days, according to the excellent s/orts commentator St. 2atthe!, it !as customary to flagellate the s/rinters at the start the !ay a coachman !hi/s his horses. The !hi/ both stimulates and gi$es a hygienic massage. Jesus, then, got off in good form, but he had a fiat right a!ay. A bed of thorns /unc tured the !hole circumference of his front tire. Today in the sho/ !indo!s of bicycle dealers you can see a re/roduction of this $eritable cro!n of thorns as an ad for /uncture0/roof tires. -ut Jesus3s !as an ordinary single0tube racing tire. The t!o thie$es, ob$iously in cahoots and therefore 4thick as thie$es,4 took the lead. 1t is not true that there !ere any nails. The three ob5ects usually sho!n in the ads belong to a ra/id0change tire tool called the 4Jiffy.4 We had better begin by telling about the s/ills6 but before that the machine itself must be described. The bicycle frame in use today is of relati$el$ recent in$en tion. 1t a//eared around &*'+. Pre$ious to that time the body of the machine !as constructed of t!o tubes soldered together at right angles. 1t !as generally called the right0angle or cross bicycle. Jesus, after his /uncture, climbed the slo/e on foot, carrying on his shoulder the bike frame, or, if you !ill, the cross. 7ontem/orary engra$ings re/roduce this scene from /ho togra/hs. -ut it a//ears that the s/ort of cycling, as a result of the !ell kno!n accident !hich /ut a grie$ous end to the Pas sion race and !hich !as brought u/ to date almost on its an ni$ersary by the similar accident of 7ount 8boro!ski on the Turbie slo/e 00 the s/ort of cycling !as for a time /rohibited by state ordinance. That ex/lains !hy the illustrated maga 9ines, in re/roducing this celebrated scene, sho! bicycles of a rather imaginary design. They confuse the machine3s cross frame !ith that other cross, the straight handlebar. They re/re sent Jesus !ith his hands s/read on the handlebars, and it is

!orth mentioning in this connection that Jesus rode 1ying flat on his back in order to reduce his air resistance. ote also that the frame or cross !as made of !ood, 5ust as !heels are to this day. A fe! /eo/le ha$e insinuated falsely that Jesus3s machine !as a draisienne , an unlikely mount for a hill0climbing contest. Ac cording to the old cyclo/hile hagiogra/hers, St. -riget, St. #regory of Tours, and St. 1rene, the cross !as e:ui//ed !ith a de$ice !hich they name su//edaneum. There is no need to be a great scholar to translate this as 4/edal.4 ;i/sius, Justinian, -osius, and <rycius Puteanus describe an other accessory !hich one still finds, according to 7ornelius 7urtius in &(=>, on Ja/anese crosses: a /rotuberance of leather or !ood on the shaft !hich the rider sits astride 00 manifestly the seat or saddle. This general descri/tion, furthermore, suits the definition of a bicycle current among the 7hinese: 4A little mule !hich is led by the ears and urged along by sho!ering it !ith kicks.4 We shall abridge the story of the race itself, for it has been narrated in detail by s/eciali9ed !orks and illustrated by scul/ ture and /ainting $isible in monuments built to house such art. There are fourteen turns in the difficult #olgotha course. Jesus took his first s/ill at the third turn. ?is mother, !ho !as in the stands, became alarmed. ?is excellent trainer, Simon the 7yrenian, !ho but for the thorn accident !ould ha$e been riding out in front to cut the !ind, carried the machine. Jesus, though carrying nothing, /ers/ired hea$ily. 1t is not certain !hether a female s/ectator !i/ed his bro!, but !e kno! that @eronica, a girl re/orter, got a good shot of him !ith her Aodak. The second s/ill came at the se$enth turn on some sli//ery /a$ement. Jesus !ent do!n for the third time at the ele$enth turn, skidding on a rail. The 1sraelite demimondaines !a$ed their handkerchiefs at the eighth. The de/lorable accident familiar to us all took /lace at the t!elfth turn. Jesus !as in a dead heat at the time !ith the thie$es. We kno! that he continued the race airborne 00 but that is another story.