12 June 2000

Praying for rain before the summer evening

The night sky must look big to you
Cobalt blue of early night conquering the
Shades of sun that reach the soft
Recesses of the blue and yellow in your eyes

The moon rises slowly

Time squeezes by
And I bet the moon fills your eyes
Little by little as you stare upward
Waiting for the night to complete falling

I feel the fear in your trembling limbs

And it meets with the fear in my finger tips outstretched to reach you
But you guard yourself too carefully, you walk away?

22 June 2000 at Suicide Prevention Class

So distracted
Mind derailed
Suicide?

Is life not intriguing enough?

How arrogant, how rude
To think that one life affects anything…

This subject does not suit today-

Today is made of:
Queasy stomachs
Wishful thinking
Boring work
Nagging anticipation
And perpetual smiles
Derived from exacting conversations
Overwhelming nervousness
At seeing you

And the day squeezes by without a glimpse of you

28 June 2000
Derailed again
Distracted more
Tangled storm of emotion and words
You, so unsure, how to act?
Questions abounding…
And your such complex awkwardness
Meets with your intense beauty
And catches me in mid-breath
As I wait, paused
For you to speak

May 2001
Something left unsaid?
It makes you awkward too.
I couldn’t, you understand?
Wrong motivation, I knew
You couldn’t, I understand.
Different paths, different worlds
In amazement at a brief glimpse into one another
But our journeys separate
Just so you know
I can never forget the intense beauty
Seized by indefatigable minds in a drunken moment

20 November 2001
You dignify me with eye contact while
I express my thought
I, suddenly, am naked
No clothes, no skin
My voice was strong
Now wavering just a little
My solid idea
Now floating
Unprotected from the elements of your opinion
My mind is bare; I’ve shown it to you freely
But-
We are of the same mind
And I resume breathing

24 November 2001
Versus lost- I must begin again-
What wisdom have I to impart?
AS Julia would say, “The Simple Truth”
The one you want wants another
He who pursues you is shut out
And this is the dance of eternity
Love, just beyond reach
Dead. Sleeping? Absent.
Smile, drink, and view beauty without touching…

21 December 2001
Overwhelming sense of emptiness
You have left my sight
And for a second I feel cracking
Tears stream down, our once, intellect
As emotion revolts
What is this sensation that becomes me
everytime you leave
This is my heart breaking- you silent

15 February 2002
Suicide prevention again
Distracted, Distracted, Distracted
I know what this foreshadows

Its 2pm on a cobalt afternoon

And, again, a prayer for rain
Imagining the dust and wind
Collisions, stresses, and constraints
Placed upon you
The prayer ends with a quiet prayer
And a silent preparation
For the end of us
May 2002 (With Friends- I cannot take full responsibility for this)
All the day is filled with moments of joy and perspective
If I stretch the moaning tendril of your mind, will they snap
I’ll reach and pull regardless
Words, Words, Words
Limitless, infinite, useless
Blurring, smearing, churning
Endless gray in a storm of words
Beautiful magic- whisping thoughts
Blow dreams into reality

May 2002 (With a Friend- not my fault!)

So much to do- obligations
And when I am with you
There is so much else- what else is there?
Everything!
Walks, sunrises
Mountains, small flowers
Cool breezes and quilts
Dreams, stars, universes- infinities of happiness
Bright eyes and drunken dances
And you, my love, what are you>
Besides bored, I am
Alive and awake (barely)
A woman, strong and enchanting
Where to go from here?
I see
Salt, souls, and liquor
The mirth of grass
Adventures gleaming and shinning
Paths uncut, unsurveyed
The future leads to where???

Unknown walkways
Sunlight in my hair
Faith walks beside my person like a best friend
- not knowing is the fun-
still unchangeable?
Always Changing

17 May 2002
Forlorn, lost, wandering aimlessly
Heavy feet leaving the path
Barrages of happy memories of you
Echo through the empty corridors of my mind
My heart, cutting the sunshine passing through
Like a prism
Hardened, edged sharply, cold
Fold me up and put me away
As I seek answers that can never arise

June 2000
I have a dream I carry of you in my pocket
I don’t question her beauty or intelligence
For surely for you she must have both
I question only her knowledge of you
No matter how passionate
Her understanding will fail
Her hand will leave you
And your heart will break

Like mine has

I have a dream I carry of you in my pocket

A perfect memory
Filling a fleeting second
Of having been loved
By the intense man I knew as you
Is it time to wash these jeans?
Or maybe just empty out the pocket

July 2002
Wishing for words
Emblematic, explanatory, definitive
Wishing to seek out, to draw out
To dream quietly
The sadness that has…

21 September 2002
I have broken my heart wide open on this rock
Its contents have spilled out
I reach and grab, I can’t put them in again
(Do not try to replace disemboweled parts)

Yet I can think of nothing else

Mind swiftly tracing
The maze of horrible questions
And knowing
Unquestionably
That you know
Increase my infinite horror

I have broken my heart wide open on this rock, my rock

Hands are ties, and the contents tumble out and away

4 November 2002
Your shinning optimism has singed my heart
Like soreness from blinking at the sun
After perpetual gray skies
You burned me a little
With a song and a dance
You knocked the dust off
Incipient murmurings of an enraged intellect
Imprinting the minds
Permanent and unchangeable

Sometime November 2002

We are the Shelleys, Byrons, and Tennysons of our time
And we have no new wisdom to impart?
The dance is short, attend it well
Leave no questions
Or ideas unanswered
This chance will never come again, or will it?

5 November 2002
The enlightenment?
Free thought?

Nothing is free…
Except oceans of bubbling, flowing words
Ebbing from mind to mind
Bringing laughter in with the tide
Pulled by the moon
Into concentric orbit
Around a notion of understanding
The joys of the universe are fleeting and infinite
A note on one of the joys of the universe-
“fascinating graces”
flowing limbs, trembling
all symmetry
in a concerted effort
to cause inertia
unending

8 November 2002
Be the perpetual optimist
View all the beautiful flowers in the universe
But don’t touch
And how do they view you?
As a briar patch, thick, twisting, and entrapping
And they become ensnared, weep and cry
And are lulled to sleep by silky thorns
Never opening their eyes
And I persist without reason or logic
Jump in with both feet, yet again
Feet and knees together
On another rock

November 2002
The wine went to my head, inspired by Julia
The blue spiraling dream
Laments tragic silence
Perfect tempest of the inevitable

January 2003
Beauty turns to grotesque at a word
Beauty running out of you like the mornings sewage
As dreams flood the streets like heavy rain
Weighty drops tumbling down
Thrashing at my head
Trapping me between what I want and what I think I need
I want to roam until I forget
Walk until all fear is gone
To fell my feet on the path
The weigh on my back
And wander, far from home

January 2003
Grotesque turns to beauty and a sigh and a frown
Happiness, forlorn, turns to something else
Where are you my love
Hiding, dying, breaking?
Or just withering away without
 Strength of heart or character
Making a cowards death of regret, bitterness, and fear

January 2003
My heart breaking: your voice on the phone
And a message of well wishing
Across distance immeasurable
You have spoken truth
Deep hard truth
1st Priority of work: security, security, security

February 2003
This is my heart breaking
You on the other side of the door
On the other side of the wall
That separates us
And all the things I have to say

April 2003
A separation of silence
A necessity for speaking
A complete loss of words
vocal capacity
neurological paths
thoughts, ideas
impulses, reactions
Mind, paralyzed, utterly
Impertinentable silence
The barrier between you and I
The letting go of breath
The shuffling of feet
This is our conversation now

April 2003
I am wind
I am voice
Blowing to all destinations
Through all obstacles

May 2003
It fell to the floor
Its inertia all run out
Trapped by the gravitational pull of the end
Your love fell from my hand
And lay still, quiet
Like any common object
A remote, the mail, an umbrella
Inanimate, still, useless

May 10, 2003

Pretend not to know
Pretend not to have noticed
Why are you here?
What do you want

Understanding
I wish _____ was here
to advise me
to guide me

But now I am lost

You can do so much better, I know it
 The worst, you know it

And to think for one second that I had seen a real glimpse of you
And understood the adventures that had wrecked you
Its not what you expected but oh well

May 10, 2003

Chaos vs stillness
incessant noise
motion unending
memories… do you?
can you see past
our once detailed universe

I have not changed

this is just the me
that you failed to perceive

All I seek is the five seconds

Of realization to cope
With what has been made apparent to me

I cannot see you

This is the sound of my heart breaking

you present, and smiling
but just beyond reach

6 June 2003
a note on one of the joys of the universe
Boticelli tresses
Bright, questioning eyes
Spirited, twirling, tumultuous
Entity that spreads life to all witnesses
Steadfast in significance, in self
Identity and Intentions
Heart and ambition crisp like new snow
I wish that I could talk to you for hours
But we haven’t the time my dear
We haven’t the time

November 2003
Separated
Like a great island
Oceans of intention between us
Walls of understanding stand high
They cannot be climbed
I can feel you there on the other side
I step and reach and fumble
And I say prayers for your going away from here
As you walk towards happiness
And away from me

May 2003
This solid moment
Sanctified in its isolation
Its elements combined selectly and perfectly
In an exhalation of breath and
swelling peace emanating from inside
flowing out to all limbs
all tendrils of flesh
and follicles of hair

That in this distinct second

The universe is perfect, flawless, faultless

I clutch and stumble clumsily to grasp

this small infinity
As I catapult into the knowledge
that perfection is slipping away
Replaced by a tumultuous sea
Of indecision, rampant emotion
Unending curiosity, harsh reality

5 February 2004
The sun rises against the pull of the moon
Battling oceans of clouds
calm setting moon
 violent crimson rays
The dramatic shadows of infinite mountains
Increases my ability to concentrate on your absence
Imagination gives way to distraction
As I am lost discerning your form
Against what is left of the night sky
Your Form:
Clear, solid, without infirmities
Yet clumsy

You intersect my thoughts, stumbling

As we engage in our awkward dance
painfully seeking the right words
Completing a chapter in the incessant battle
between logic and intuition
Have we found a truce?
A reprieve from our warring intellects?

Hope is but a shadow

Definitive intentions are just dreams
As definitions shape and change
Hourly with your emerging form

September 2004
“Smoke filled dreams”
Of grandeur and optimism have long since passed
I’ve wasted the seriousness we avoided before
On the monopoly of passion-
Is there enough left?
One or two wills driving, fueling everything-
Can only accomplish so much
What are the limits?
Insolate, not isolate

14 October 2004
I can’t remember when I first noticed you
I peruse my memories repeatedly
You interrupted me
It wasn’t a conscious decision
noticing you
It happened inadvertently
Of all the daily processes we appreciate
rising- earth in orbit
pull of the moon, tectonic drift
But the wonders of you went unlooked?
Distraught I endeavor to look next time
to unearth you
But at the next chance
I avert my eyes
I lend a careful ear instead
Afraid of revelation
While you purposefully prolong our interaction
And it endears you to me…

31 October 2004
She is wind, She is voice
Smoke exhaled from a deviant mouth
She was more dangerous than anyone had imagined
Blunt, brutal- all action, no logic
It is the intrigue that drives her
The mask of humor that you might wear
The seriousness that becomes you
She wants to feel your hands in her hair
on her shoulder, at her waist
Pulling and tugging on her intellect

4 November 2004- Gravity for Beginners

The exchange begins
Awkward foot work and sideways glances
Storming blizzards and sweltering heat
Burn both cheeks
What is the mathematical force between two bodies?
Can it be measured by a number?
Is it proportional to the anticipation inherent in catching a glimpse of you
A long shrouded sun reveals momentary hope
But the math is too much
The equation is wrong
The numbers don’t balance
I figure and reconfigure

November 2004
Words immeasurable
Ideas and accusations flying rampantly & undirected
What is the distance between conflicting notions
Constructions & benedictions
Ideals, idiosyncrasies, and idiocies
Undetermined and undenied

November 2004
Logic reconfigured, try the math again
Spinning out of hands grasp
No foot hold, No hand hold
Slipping
Only arms, and hands, and mouths in motion
The imbalance makes my stomach swim
Miscalculations, misdirections, misintentions
But you wanted-
But I thought

20 November 2005
“But you wanted”
“But I thought that”
Damn I thought I adverted all this-
Misinterpreted, Misunderstood
Assumptions turned to accusations
And then, just foolishness
All of it.

23 November 2004
The stereotype is haunting
Determine the constraints
Flaws, irrefutable flaws
Voluntary blindness and free loyalty
The benefits of not having a price
Is that you can sell it to whomever you want
The freedom of a choice
A stupid decision, seemingly small reverberates ENDLESSLY
The walls reach into the sky & I cannot find my horizon
Nor direction of travel
To transform… it would be easier
Instead I stand still as stone
And watch the crashing waves around me

9 December 2004
Mythed logic abounds
“It can’t happen to me”
Realization lifts like a drab curtain
Greasy, dingy, unclean
Revealing a dangerous world
False, malleable, panderers
One misguided step
Sends you catapulting into a deep chasm

23 December 2004
Stopped in mid-sentence
Intellect and reason paused in mid-inhalation
Your tall form interrupts my linear construction
The universe becomes sloped, slanted, skewed
Your logic pierces my argument
Your hands shake and break my character repeatedly
Your mind molds me into what you want me to be
And then you sleep
As I steal a small piece of happiness

27 February 2005
Inundated
Fixated
Like the ocean, drawn inexplicably
The swelling of the tide
Floats on waves of stars
Gravity between objects increases with distance? Or with mass?
The universe ebbs between us
Then collapses
The stars fall silent-
We have become thieves
As we take what should have been ours
May 2005
Elaborate death behind sordid music is one thousand pictures in time
Never dream drunk before sleep
You rip at my shadow meanly
Trudge behind the moon- I scream after life
Still weak within your frantic garden
Would I then fall delirious like a sea with wind blowing skies?
See him shake and sweat as he floods winter with an eternity of cold lies
Ugly visions threaten theses diamond forests
Yet we run, wanting to pause for mutual worship
We stop as fast as a whispering rocks in an angry symphony May 2005
Bend a road for a trip on willful recall
Let not her loveless stare smear my watch of spring gone by
Cry as you rob the day of its sweet beauty
Must gather their want like a rusted chain
Sing delicate chants though you swim through misty waters of iron red
Urges like hot light
Raw power eating me like some essential moment in the always

June 2005
Empty wisdom wonders weak
Mad pictures of you sweat above description
Moons storm, skies ache
Winter trudges beneath dead seas
Between ugly dreams and raw sentences
Black shadows and thousand and a thousand villainous roads
Frenzied I hide behind a delicate truth

December 2005
Shiver moon blossoms
Come investigate between winter whispers
Almost smile, melted mouth
Light creaks through rusted roofs
As yellows streams into the morning
Dreams of you journey and wonder
Give me a window for your laugh
Dawn breaks, leaving night behind
As I left your bed, empty

November 2006
She is my perpetual winter
Clean lines, crisped and untouched
Quiet footfalls, silent snowfalls
Dark morning sky slightly illuminated
by the setting of the silvery moon
Frost on the windows
Flakes floating and icy packed paths
She forces me into warm blankets
And makes it ok to stay in bed
just a little longer