WILLIAM GOLDMAN Dear Reader, Thank you for sending in, and, no, this is not the reunion

scene, because of a certain roadblock na ed !er it "hog# As soon as bound books $ere ready, I got a call fro y la$yer, %harley && 'you ay not re e ber, but %harley(s the one I called fro %alifornia to go do$n in the bli))ard and buy *The +rincess ,ride* fro the used&book dealer-# Any$ay, he usually begins $ith Tal udic hu or, $isdo .okes, only this ti e he .ust says /,ill, I think you better get do$n here,/ and before I( e0en allo$ed to say a ($hy1( he adds, /Right a$ay if you can#/ +anicked, I )oo do$n, $ondering $ho could ha0e died, did I flunk ta2 audit, $hat1 3is secretary lets e into his office and %harley says, /This is Mr# "hog, ,ill#/ And there he is, sitting in the corner, hands on his briefcase, looking e2actly like an oily 0ersion of +eter Lorre# I really e24ected hi to say, /Gi0e e the 5alcon, you ust, or I(ll be forced to keeel you#/ /Mr# "hog is a la$yer,/ %harley goes on# And this ne2t $as said underlined6 /*3e re4resents the Morgenstern estate*#/ Who kne$1 Who could ha0e drea ed such a thing e2isted, an estate of a an dead at least a illion years that no one e0er heard of o0er here any$ay1 /+erha4s you $ill gi0e e the 5alcon no$,/ Mr# "hog said# That(s not true# What he said $as, /+erha4s you $ill like a fe$ $ords $ith your client alone no$,/ and %harley nodded and out he $ent, and once he $as gone I said, /%harley, y God, I ne0er figured &&/ and he said, /Did 3arcourt1/7 and I said, /Not that they e0er entioned/ and he said, /Ooch,/ the grunting sound la$yers ake $hen they kno$ they(0e backed a loser# /What does he $ant1/ I said# /A eeting $ith Mr# 8o0ano0ich,/ %harley ans$ered# No$, Willia 8o0ano0ich is a 4retty busy fella, but it(s a a)ing $hen you(re confronted $ith a 4otential ultibillion&dollar la$suit ho$ fast you can $edge in a eeting# We troo4ed o0er# All the 3arcourt ,rass $as there, I( there, %harley9 Mr# "hog, $ho $ould s$eat in an igloo he(s so s$arthy, is strea ing# 3arcourt(s la$yer started things6 /We(re terribly terribly sorry, Mr# "hog# It(s an unforgi0able o0ersight, and 4lease acce4t our sincerest a4ologies#/ Mr# "hog said, /That(s a beginning, since all you did $as defa e and ridicule the greatest odern aster of 5lorinese 4rose $ho also ha44ened to be for any years a friend of y fa ily#/ Then the business head of 3arcourt said, /All right, ho$ uch do you $ant1/ y

,iiiig istake# /*Money1*/ Mr# "hog cried# /:ou think this is 4etty black ail that brings us together1 Resurrection is the issue, sir# Morgenstern ust be undefiled# :ou $ill 4ublish the original 0ersion#/ And no$ a look at e# /In the unabridged for #/ I said, /I( done $ith it, I s$ear# True, there(s .ust the reunion scene business $e 4rinted u4, but there(s not liable to be a rush on that, so it(s all 4ast as far as I( concerned#/ ,ut Mr# "hog $asn(t done $ith e6 /*:ou*, $ho dared to defa e a aster(s characters are no$ going to 4ut your $ords in their ouths1 Nossir# No, I say#/ /It(s .ust a little thing,/ I tried9 /a cou4le 4ages only#/ Then Mr# 8o0ano0ich started talking softly# /,ill, I think $e ight ski4 sending out the reunion scene .ust no$, don(t you think1/ I ade a nod# Then he turned to Mr# "hog# /We(ll 4rint the unabridged# :ou(re a an $ho is interested in i ortality for his client, and there aren(t as any of you around in 4ublishing as there used to be# :ou(re a gentle an, sir#/ /Thank you,/ fro Mr# "hog9 /I like to think I a , at least on occasion#/ 5or the first ti e, he s iled# We all s iled# ;ery buddy&buddy no$# Then, an addendu fro Mr# "hog6 /Oh, :es# :our first 4rinting of the unabridged $ill be <==,=== co4ies#/ 7777 "o far, there are thirteen la$suits, only ele0en in0ol0ing e directly# %harley 4ro ises nothing $ill co e to court and that e0entually 3arcourt $ill 4ublish the unabridged# ,ut legal aneu0ering takes ti e# The co4yright on Morgenstern runs out in early (>?, and all of you $ho $rote in are ha0ing your na es 4ut al4habetically on co 4uter, so $hiche0er ha44ens first, the settle ent or the year, you(ll get your co4y# The last I $as told, !er it "hog $as $illing to co e do$n on his first 4rinting 4ro0ided 3arcourt agreed to 4ublish the se@uel to *The +rincess ,ride*, $hich hasn(t been translated into Anglish yet, uch less 4ublished here# The title of the se@uel is6 *,uttercu4(s ,aby6 "# Morgenstern(s Glorious A2a ination of %ourage Matched Against the Death of the 3eart*# I(d ne0er heard of it, naturally, but there(s a +h#D# candidate in 5lorinese Lit u4 at %olu bia $ho(s going through it no$# I( kind of interested in $hat he has to say# BsignatureC Willia BIn s aller ty4eC +#"# I( really sorry about this, but you kno$ the story that ends, Gold an

/disregard 4re0ious $ire, letter follo$s1/ Well, you(0e got to disregard the business about the Morgenstern co4yright running out in (>?# This $as a definite boo&boo but Mr# "hog, being 5lorinese, has trouble, naturally, $ith our nu bering syste # The co4yright runs out in *(?>*, not (>?# Worse, he died# Mr# "hog I ean# 'Don(t ask ho$ could you tell# It $as easy# One orning he .ust sto44ed s$eating, so there it $as#What akes it $orse is that the $hole affair is no$ in the hands of his kid, na ed && $ait for it && Mandrake "hog# Mandrake o0es $ith all the 0er0e and s4eed of a li)ard flaked out on a ri0er bank# The only good thing that(s ha44ened in this $hole ass is I finally got a shot at reading *,uttercu4(s ,aby*# D4 at %olu bia they feel it(s definitely su4erior to *The +rincess ,ride* in satirical content# +ersonally, I don(t ha0e the e otional attach ent to it, but it(s a hellu0a story, no @uestion# Gi0e it a look&see $hen you ha0e a chance# && August, <E>? +#+#"# This is getting hu iliating# 3a0e you been reading in the 4a4ers about the trade 4roble s A erica is ha0ing $ith 8a4an1 Well, addening as this ay be, since it reflects on the reunion scene, $e(re also ha0ing trade 4roble s $ith 5lorin $hich, it turns out, is our leading su44lier of %ad iniu $hich, it also turns out, NA"A is 4anting for# "o all 5lorinese&A erican litigation, $hich includes the thirteen la$ suits, has officially been 4ut on hold# What this eans is that the reunion scene, for no$, is caught bet$een our need for %ad iniu and di4lo atic relations bet$een the t$o countries# ,ut at least the o0ie got ade# Mandrake "hog $as sho$n it, and $ord reached e he e0en s iled once or t$ice# 3o4e s4rings eternal# && May, <E?>