FADE IN: TO A FULL MOON.

MUSIC UP: ON AN EVENING IN ROMA by Gwen Stefani

The song begins as we PULL BACK to reveal the most glorious fountain in all of Italy -- the FONTANA DAMORE. Moonlight frames the statue of VENUS, the Goddess of Love, as she keeps a vigilant watch over the legendary pools beneath her feet. A QUARTER flips through the starry night and splashes into the water. We FOLLOW IT to the bottom of the fountain where we reveal that the opening CREDITS are minted onto the coin itself. BELOW THE SURFACE As more coins appear: euros, rupees, yen, pesos... visitors from all around the world all wishing for the same thing -Amore. The final coin (and credit) FILLS THE FRAME as we... MATCH DISSOLVE TO: A CIRCULAR SKYLIGHT. Its the famous glass dome of New Yorks Guggenheim Museum. A THUMPING BASS LINE reverberates down the spiral structure as we reveal a party in full swing. Dueling DJs spin records for the young crowd on the floor as we PUSH IN to reveal... BETH MARTIN Taking it all in. Pretty, young, and with not a hair out of place. She wears a crisp Ralph Lauren business suit that, not unlike her hair, is all so perfectly put together. Beth! STACY (O.S.) Hey!

Beth turns to see her assistant, STACY HARPER, snaking her way through the crowd. She carries six plastic cups of Chardonnay. BETH What are you, a camel? STACY (shrugs) Im from Staten Island. And the line at the bar is insane. Here... Stacy hands her three cups of wine.

2.

BETH I shouldve hired another bar station. I knew it... STACY Would you stop already? The shows a hit. You should be celebrating. BETH I know. But whenever I start to feel good about myself I picture Celeste giving me that look... STACY The Shit-a-Brick face? BETH Thats the one. STACY Forget her. This is your night. (raises her glass) To Beth Martin... the coolest curator to ever rock the Gugg. CELESTE (O.S.) Rock the Gugg? Stacy and Beth freeze before turning to see CELESTE GRIFFIN. 50s, elegant, and with a perpetual look of sour disapproval on her pinched face. Beth practically shouts in surprise: Celeste! BETH

Beth realizes shes triple-fisting it. Wine? Celeste just stares. BETH (CONTD) I didnt know you were coming... when did you get here? CELESTE About three bricks ago. Ouch. Stacy smiles wanly. STACY Id better go... uh... check... BETH

3.

CELESTE Just go, Stacy. Stacy takes off like a rocket. The house music swells and the crowd CHEERS in response as Celeste grimaces. CELESTE Quite the turn out, Beth. You have a very promising career... as a club promoter. Beth sighs. She knew this was coming.

BETH The art cant be appreciated if we cant get bodies through the door. CELESTE This is the Guggenheim. Not Bat Day at Yankee Stadium. Whats next? A Mapplethorpe retrospective hosted by Hooters? With buffalo wings and Jell-o shots for hors d'oeuvres? BETH Ive raised $50,000 in donations tonight. The food and drinks were underwritten by Hugo Boss-CELESTE I could raise $50,000 with a phone call and it would still uphold the integrity of the Guggenheim. BETH I dont think youre giving the young people here enough credit. There are a lot of potential patrons to the arts here tonight-WHOOOO! DRUNK KID

A fat DRUNK KID stumbles by with TWO BUDDIES. DRUNK KID Art after Dark, beeotches! Art... rhymes with fart! Heh! Heh! Heh! (lurching) Ulk! The Drunk kid vomits all over himself. Beth recoils as Celeste coolly glances to the mess on the floor.

4.

CELESTE Clearly not a fan of the post minimalist movement. The drunken Buddies high-five, howling with laughter. BUDDY #1 I told ya not to eat all them buffalo wings, dude! Celeste raises an eyebrow. Beths in a full-body cringe.

BETH Ill get someone to clean that up. CELESTE Thats an excellent idea, Beth. Your best of the evening, Im sure. Celeste walks off as Beth sighs, deflated. She turns to see the Drunk kid checking her out, vomit splattered on his shirt. DRUNK KID Do you work for UPS? Cuz I just caught you checkin out my package. Beth just stares. The final humiliation to an execrable evening. She walks off as the Drunk Kid calls after her: Lesbian! DRUNK KID

EXT. BETHS APARTMENT BUILDING - UPPER WEST SIDE - NIGHT A stylish brownstone only a block off the Park. Beth unlocks her door as we hear MUSIC coming from inside her apartment... INT. BETHS APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS Abstract art hangs on the walls beside tasteful black and white photography. Its all so obsessively neat and ordered, it looks more like a museum exhibit than someones apartment. Beth steps around the corner to find... JOAN, early 20s and very cute in her flight attendant uniform, dancing around the kitchen to some cheesy Italian pop song on the stereo. Hey! HEY! BETH

But Joan cant hear her over the music. Beth steps over and shuts off the stereo as Joan spins around, grinning.

5.

BETH Howd you get in here? JOAN Spare key under the doormat. Youre so predictable. BETH I am not predictable... Joan lifts up a miserable-looking fern. JOAN You know these things do need to be watered occasionally... BETH Mom gave it to me. I think I may be killing it intentionally. When did you get into town? JOAN About an hour ago. They gave me the red eye to London tomorrow. (grins) Thought Id surprise you. BETH You know I hate surprises. JOAN Then fasten your seat belt, sis, cuz Ive got a doozy for you... BETH What is it? JOAN (shaking her head) Nuh uh. Drinks first. BETH I have to work in the morning. JOAN Cmon. One drink. You know you can never say no to me. BETH And you can never say no period. Tight ass. JOAN

6.

Slut.

BETH

Then seemingly out of nowhere: AAAHHHH! BETH & JOAN

They run into each others arms. INT. THE DEAD POET - NIGHT A cozy Upper West Side dive bar. A FRAMED POEM reads:

Love looks not with the eyes but with the mind, And therefore is wing'd cupid, painted blind. - William Shakespeare We PULL BACK to reveal hundreds of other poems hung across the brick walls. But all of its charm is lost on Beth, who we find sitting at the bar with Joan in mid-rant: BETH ...at first I thought she was going to fire me. But now Im convinced she wont because she gets so much pleasure out of making me miserable. Shes just like Aunt Sally who, by the way, called me today to say she thinks I may be a commitophobe. Thank you very much, Oprah Winfrey. JOAN You shoulda hung up on her. BETH I did. Well... I practically did. Why do people assume that if youre not married by 30 you must have some socio-psychological pathology? JOAN Its ridiculous, I agree. But--

BETH My life is fine the way it is. Better than fine! I am the youngest Curator in the history of the Guggenheim. I dont have time for a relationship right now.

7.

JOAN Speaking of relationships-BETH I dont want romance in my life. In fact, Im beginning to think great romance doesnt even exist. It exists. JOAN In fact--

BETH You cant have it all and whats more, why would you want to? Look at Mom and Dad. Aunt Sally still talks about how in love they were and look at how that ended -- with a judge asking us who wed rather live with. Sure, its depressing. But love fades. Romance dies. JOAN Would you please shut the hell up and let me talk for one minute! Beth stops, then starts laughing at herself. BETH Sorry. Jesus. Okay, your turn. What is it you wanted to tell me? Okay. JOAN So two weeks ago --

But then some middle-aged BUSINESSMAN squeezes between them. BUSINESSMAN Heeeeey, I know you. JOAN Oh, for Christs sake... BUSINESSMAN From the plane, right? He pulls out a boarding pass from his coat pocket. 4D. BUSINESSMAN First Class. Remember?

BETH Hey, 4D, were kind of in the middle of something here...

8.

BUSINESSMAN (ignoring Beth) Im in town for a couple days. Whataya say we hook up? No. JOAN

BUSINESSMAN I got tickets to Spamalot. No. JOAN

BUSINESSMAN Cmon, itll be a hoot. Finally, Joan pulls back her sleeve and lifts her hand up to reveal a DIAMOND the size of a small apricot. JOAN Im engaged. Still think itll be a hoot? Beth freezes as Joan screams. JOAN (CONTD) Its true! His names Umberto. We met on a flight to Rome two weeks ago and now were getting married. In Rome! Joan screams again. The Businessman turns to Beth:

BUSINESSMAN Spamalot? Beth shoves the Businessman in the chest. BETH You, get the hell outta here! (to the bartender) You, more drinks, now! (to Joan) And you... are you outta your mind? JOAN Hes the one, Beth. I know it.

BETH Its just... two weeks? Thats not even enough time for a credit check.

9.

JOAN Be happy for me.

Please...

Beth looks into her sisters pleading eyes before: BETH Of course Im happy for you. Now, tell me everything... EXT. GUGGENHEIM - NEXT MORNING The world famous Frank Lloyd Wright building spirals up from the corner of Fifth Avenue. At 86th Street we notice that a construction project has put up temporary retaining walls and scaffolding, like some massive, empty painters canvas... BETH (V.O.) Shes doomed. INT. GUGGENHEIM - OFFICES - SAME As Stacy follows Beth through the corporate office building: BETH I mean, cmon, you meet some Italian guy in First Class, you date him, you dont marry him! STACY Shes so lucky. Just imagine... working in a place where they sort men into classes. Beth shoots her a look. STACY (CONTD) Im just saying... They turn the corner, squeezing past two massive moving men who carry a heavy sculpture up from the loading docks... BETH My baby sisters about to make the biggest mistake of her life and theres nothing I can do about it. STACY She got swept away. Not to me. BETH It happens.

10.

STACY Thats because you wont let it. And on the rare occasion when you actually do meet somebody you doom it to failure by holding them to that stupid three-week-rule. BETH Its not stupid. Its efficient. People waste years of their lives on relationships that arent going anywhere. So I give it a deadline. STACY Its an expiration date. dating cottage cheese. Its like

BETH Its helped me to prioritize my life. Rather than waste my time chasing a fairy tale, Im focusing on my work. And you know what? They stop at the conference room. BETH (CONTD) Ive never been happier. Stacy opens the door to reveal Celeste glaring at them. STACY You must be ecstatic. Beth takes her place at the table and smiles at her fellow curators, none of whom make an effort to acknowledge her. CELESTE Apparently we can begin now... Celeste opens her presentation folder. CELESTE (CONTD) Soon we will be hosting the single most important event of the year -The Board of Trustees Annual Circle of Gold. As you all know, the Guggenheim succeeds or fails based on the contributions of our chief benefactors. Theyll be expecting nothing less than the absolute best that the Guggenheim has to offer. (turning) Carol?

11.

A bird-like woman who emulates Celeste right down to the matching Hermes scarf. She recites as if in a classroom: CAROL I am pleased to announce that Ive been successful in my pursuit of the complete earthwork photographs of Robert Smithson. I expect to have the last two by this Friday. CELESTE Excellent, Carol. Roger? An art film snob of the worst kind: ROGER I have acquired Vita Acconcis TeleFurni System. It will invite our guests to interact with the film by choosing viewing positions from a menu of architectural options. CELESTE Intriguing. Rene? The jaded Frenchman; milks the accent for all its worth: RENEE I am securing the entire Maiastra Sculptures of Constantin Brancusi. As you know, MOMA failed to get the Brancusi estates cooperation for such a show last year. I did not. CELESTE Magnifique, Renee. As always.

Celeste glances over to Beth and gives a scary smile. CELESTE And what about you, Beth? BETH Its been said that Picasso changed his lovers as often as he changed his style. This will be the first exhibit dedicated to Picassos inspiration. The Art of The Muse. CELESTE Theyve seen our Picasso. The Woman With Yellow Hair is a part of our permanent collection.

12.

BETH Ive already secured seven Vollard Suite etchings, on from the Picasso Museum in Together I think they will CELESTE Repetitive and familiar?

of the loan Paris. be--

BETH Provocative. And beautiful. CELESTE Have you made arrangements to insure and travel the pieces? BETH Of course. I didnt want anything to get delayed in customs... CELESTE So barring our delving even deeper into our already depleted funds, were stuck with this exhibit? Yes. BETH I mean no. I mean...

CELESTE Then I suppose well have to do the best we can with what youve done. I want progress reports each day. BETH Dont worry. Ill be checking in constantly while Im in Rome. What? CELESTE

BETH Im... Im going to Rome. Didnt... Rebecca tell you? CELESTE I thought she was making a bad joke. I even said as much. Re-bec-ca? Celestes tortured-looking assistant, REBECCA, looks up. CELESTE (CONTD) What did I say when you told me Beth was going to Rome?

13.

Rebecca flips through her pad before reading: REBECCA You cant be serious? Nobody goes on vacation the week before a show. And then you made a kind of choking sound. It may have been a laugh, its hard for me to tell sometimes-I laughed. CELESTE

Rebecca literally makes a note of it. BETH Its all last minute, I know. But its my sisters wedding. I have to be there. CELESTE How exceptionally inconvenient. BETH Itll only be three days. Celeste gives the scary stare. BETH (CONTD) Two days. Tops. I mean, who needs to see Rome anyhow? Beth forces a smile as we hear: BETH (V.O.) She has black eyes! EXT. JFK AIRPORT - DAY As Stacy helps Beth get her luggage out of the trunk... BETH Black like a shark. She could have her own week on The Discovery Channel. STACY Would you just try and enjoy the fact that youre going to an insanely romantic wedding in Rome? BETH Yeah, for all of 48 hours. I wont even have time to shake the jet lag.

14.

STACY It only takes a moment to get swept away... BETH Dont be ridiculous. STACY If ever there was a place to get swept away, its a wedding in Rome. INT. AIR ITALIA JET - DAY Beth checks her seat number before sitting down beside a gaptoothed, 5-year-old boy, RUSTY, and his haggard-looking MOM. RUSTY Whats your name? BETH My names Beth. RUSTY MY NAME IS RUSTY! BETH Nice to meet you, Rusty. (to the mother) Hello. Mom grimaces as she cracks open a mini-vodka. RUSTY You going to Italy? Sure am. BETH

RUSTY You going to Italy? BETH Uh, yes I am... RUSTY YOU GOING TO ITALY? Beth glances over to the boys Mom, who has a handful of Xanax at the ready. She raises her glass of Smirnhoff. MOTHER See you on the other side.

15.

Mom downs the pills with the vodka. O-kay... BETH

Beth takes out her Blackberry and starts furiously tapping away as Rusty leans over to watch. Beth inches away. Rusty leans closer. Then he suddenly hacks up a horrible, RASPY COUGH, spraying Beth in a fine mist of germs and bacteria. BETH You know... you should really cover your mouth when you cough. Rusty starts to cough again and clamps a hand over his mouth. But it works as a plug, sending a MISSILE OF MUCOUS exploding out of his snot-encrusted nostrils and onto her Blackberry. BETH (grimacing) Better... Beth wipes off her Blackberry screen as Rusty shouts: RUSTY Wanna play I-Spy? BETH Not really... RUSTY I SPY A BLANKET! What...? BETH

RUSTY I SPY A LADY! I SPY A TOILET! I SPY A LADY COMIN OUTTA THE TOILET! Beth looks to Rustys Mom. Great... EXT. JFK - DAY As the magnificent Air Italia jet lifts off the tarmac... MARCO! RUSTY (O.S.) BETH But Moms out cold.

16.

INT. AIR ITALIA - LATER Beth has her teeth clenched and her iPod on full blast, barely holding it together as Rusty screams in her face: MARCO! RUSTY MARCO! MARCO!

Beth finally rips out her ear buds. BETH You cant play Marco Polo on a plane! You play it in a pool! Just like you dont tell what youre spying in I Spy! Its a guessing game! Thats the point! Rusty blinks. And then he starts to cry. I didnt... Beth sighs.

BETH Im sorry, okay? (then) Marco?

A blotchy, red-faced BUSINESSMAN with an inflatable neck pillow sits forward from across the aisle. BUSINESSMAN Would you shut that kid up? BETH What are you telling me for? Talk to Janis Joplin over there. BUSINESSMAN Arent you the nanny? BETH Do I look like the nanny? An OLD WOMAN from across the aisle: OLD WOMAN Hes probably got an ear infection. See how green his mucous is? A high-strung JAPANESE BUSINESSMAN from the row ahead: JAPANESE BUSINESSMAN Shouldnt let son fly with ear infection! Pressure too great! BETH This isnt my son.

17.

OLD WOMAN Shes the nanny. JAPANESE BUSINESSMAN Nanny should know better! BETH IM NOT THE FUCKING NANNY! Everybody stops. A BEAT.

BETH That... came out a lot louder than I planned... A FLIGHT ATTENDANT with big, Texas-style hair steps over: FLIGHT ATTENDANT Maam, you need to keep your voice down. People are trying to sleep. I know! BETH Im one of those people!

A jumpy SECOND FLIGHT ATTENDANT hurries over. FLIGHT ATTENDANT #2 Do we have a situation here? BETH Whats wrong with you people? This isnt my fault! Its his! Beth points at Rusty who is (of course) fast asleep by now. The Flight Attendants give each other a look before they turn to go, but not before the lead Flight Attendant points at her eyes and then to Beth in an I got my eyes on you warning. Finally... BETH

Beth puts on a sleeping mask and pulls a blanket around her. One moment of pure bliss. Until... BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! Beth bolts upright as the FASTEN SEAT BELT light blinks on. PILOT (V.O.) This is your captain speaking. We ask that you please return to your seats and fasten your seat belts. Weve received word of some rather extreme turbulence up ahead. Well let you know when its safe to get up and move about the cabin...

18.

BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! ...or not. PILOT (V.O.)

EXT. LEONARDO DA VINCI AIRPORT - DAY Beth jostles her way through the crowd for the taxi line. Its obvious from her wild eyes and unkempt hair that the turbulence never let up. She approaches a line of TAXI DRIVERS, who WHISTLE and LEER as only Italian men can. Taxi? BETH

All six cabbies leap at her at once. INT. CAB - MOMENT LATER And a CLOSE-UP of the winning cabbie, smiling with a huge shiner under his eye. Beth is being tossed back and forth in the back seat as they rocket down the narrow alleyways. CABBIE First time in Roma? Uh huh. BETH

CABBIE How long you stay, eh? 48 hours. BETH And counting.

Beth whips out her Blackberry and checks her e-mails. Que fah? CABBIE That is no time.

BETH Welcome to my life. Beth is already furiously tapping away... CABBIE Then you must start now. Uh huh... BETH

19.

Signora? Beth looks up. THE COLOSSEUM

CABBIE

And then she stops as she sees...

...is right outside her window. Beth they drive by spectacular cathedrals, the Italians, dressed so elegantly as the corner cafes... and for once even CABBIE Welcome to Roma. EXT. PIAZZA - DAY

watches, transfixed, as breath-taking piazzas, they sip cappuccinos in Beth is speechless.

Where two young lovers toss coins into the FONTANA DAMORE. They kiss passionately... wonderfully romantic... until Beth comes tearing through the piazza with her suitcases in tow. INT. CATHEDRAL - DAY Beth steps inside to see the rehearsal already in progress. Theres Joan, her handsome new fiance, UMBERTO (30), her mother, PRISCILLA MARTIN (50s), a bunch of Umbertos family, and Beths father, JACK (50s) talking to the PRIEST, a rather peculiar-looking Italian with a comical, lop-sided smile. Beth! PRISCILLA There you are!

JOAN (hugging her) Sis! I was getting worried! PRISCILLA You look awful. Joan shoots her mother a look. JOAN She looks fine. What happened?

BETH Oh, nothing much. Just a little turbulence. Emergency landing. Strip search at customs... Really? PRISCILLA They let us right through.

20.

BETH Then I guess you win, Mom. PRISCILLA We dont have time for sarcasm, dear. Were taking photos by the fountain at five oclock. JOAN The Fontana dAmore. Did you see it? Its so beautiful! PRISCILLA Your fathers slut of the month is at the hotel with your dress. JACK (O.S.) I heard that! Beth turns to see her father walking over. JACK And shes not a slut. Shes a pro beach volleyball player! Hi Dad. BETH

JACK (kissing her) Hiya, princess! JOAN (dragging her away) Cmon! You have to meet Umbertos family. Theyre a scream! JACK His dad played golf with Ari Onassis. PRISCILLA (calling after them) A little concealer under your eyes wouldnt kill you either! EXT. FONTANA DAMORE - EARLY EVENING The Wedding party, all in formal dress, prepare for the first group picture. Beth is fixing one of Joans curls when: BETH Whos that?

21.

They look to see a man hurrying down the steps. NICK BEAMON. A wrinkled tuxedo, mussed hair, but still kind of cute. JOAN Thats Umbertos best man. They were roommates together at NYU. BETH Hes a mess. JOAN I thought youd like him. Beth shoots her a look as Joan grins. Nick fumbles with his tie as he runs over to join Umberto and the other groomsmen. NICK Sorry Im late, berto. I rented a scooter and drove up in the hills and I hit a goat... UMBERTO Dove sei stato. NICK (to the family) Mi scusi, sono in ritardo. BETH Did he say hes retarded? JOAN Late. And stop trying to find defects before you even meet him! Umbertos Mother tries to comb Nicks hair as she pushes him into position for the photographs. The PHOTOGRAPHER waves: PHOTOGRAPHER Mi seguano, por favore! Everyone smiles for the camera just as Nick notices Beth. FLASH! The shot FREEZE FRAMES with Nick checking her out... INT. ROMAN CATHEDRAL - LITTLE LATER The ornate cathedral is decked with the most beautiful flowers imaginable as a full boys choir sings in the wings. All heads turn to the back of the church as the sanctuary doors open and Joan enters, breathtaking in a white lace and satin dress with a 20 foot train being held by two adorable little girls. There is a collective GASP from the guests.

22.

Beth watches her little sister walk down the aisle. Her tough exterior melting away as a tear runs down her cheek... VOICE FESTEGIAMO! INT. PALAZZO, GRAND HALL - NIGHT A champagne cork POPS and the guests CHEER as we reveal the reception is being held in a spectacularly ornate palazzo. We PUSH THROUGH the crowd to find Beth and Jack at the bar. BETH This is nice, Dad. I love these small, intimate weddings. JACK Hey, if youre gonna be a bear, be a grizzly, right? BETH I have no idea what that means. Jack raises his champagne glass in a toast. To Joan. To Joan. JACK BETH

They take a sip and look out to see Tina mingling in the crowd, standing a good head taller than anyone around her. So? JACK Whataya think? BETH She seems very... fit.

Of Tina?

JACK Thats all you can say? BETH Dad, when Joan threw the bouquet, Tina spiked it. JACK At least she was out there. Dad... BETH

23.

JACK I wanna throw another wedding! BETH You will. Youre due for another wife pretty soon. She stops. Meant it as a joke, but it came out cruel. BETH Im sorry... JACK Forget it. Were quite a pair, eh? You wont fall in love and I wont stop. They share a little smile before Joan steps over with Nick. JOAN Come on, Beth! Speech time! What? BETH

JOAN Oh, and some of Umbertos family cant understand English so Nick is going to translate your speech. Hi. NICK Im Nick.

BETH Isnt it a little late to be introducing ourselves? NICK Thats my fault. I was out sightseeing earlier and I... BETH Hit a goat. I heard. So... NICK

They look into each others eyes before: NICK (CONTD) Youre not gonna be using any obscure idioms or regional aphorisms are you?

24.

Off Beths look we... SMASH CUT TO: INT. PALAZZO - NIGHT Beth stands awkwardly at the microphone with a glass of champagne in hand. Nick smiles and nods, ready. People begin clinking their forks against their glasses until: BETH (into microphone) Um... Umberto... even though Ive only known you for a short time... Beth glances over to Nick who speaks into his own mic: NICK (in Italian, with subtitles) Umberto, though I havent known you very long... BETH Your choice of Joan speaks highly of you... NICK You are... smart for loving Joan. Nods of agreement from the Italians. BETH Some would call this wedding impetuous. And I admit that even I did at first... NICK (searching for the words) Some think this wedding is too hasty... I am one of them... Surprised looks from the Italians. Beth looks to Nick who shrugs as if to say, Im doing the best I can. BETH But Ive always admired the way you trust your instincts. For you, impatience is a virtue. And Ive never seen you more impatient than you were to be here with Umberto. Nick looks a bit stuck on that one. He finally shrugs:

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NICK But hasty can be good... The Italians smile, pleased. BETH When I look at you, I remember a little girl who believed in magic. And I look at you today and I see a grown woman who believes that magic has actually come true... NICK Um... Joan likes magic... something ... uh... something... hey, maybe if we all clap now shell quit talking and we can get on with the party! The Italians erupt into LAUGHTER and APPLAUSE. Beth looks suspiciously over at Nick. He grins innocently. BETH ...for you and Umberto have created your own magic here today... NICK It was worth a try... BETH ...and I know that if you could, youd share that feeling with me. NICK ...and I know that youll share him with me. A shocked GASP from the Italians. One of Umbertos groomsmen claps him on the back enthusiastically. Beth glares at Nick. BETH Well, evidently, our Best Man is running out of Italian so... NICK It seems the Maid of Honor is running out of patience so... Beth raises her glass. CHEERS! BETH

26.

ABONDANZA! ABONDANZA! INT. PALAZZO - LATER

NICK ITALIANS

The reception is in full swing, guests dancing, eating dinner, milling about. We find Beth, watching Joan and Umberto dancing cheek to cheek, getting swept away when... NICK (O.S.) I liked your toast. She turns to see Nic holding two glasses of champagne. BETH Umbertos brother already hit on me and most of his family thinks Im a pervert, but thanks. NICK Well, the next time somebody translates for you, try to stay away from words like impetuous. (holds out the glass) Truce? Beth grins and takes the champagne. BETH Truce. So where did you learn to speak Italian so poorly? NICK Umberto. He taught me how to pick up girls in Italian and I taught him how to navigate the subway. Brooklyn? BETH

NICK (nods) Red Hook. And by the way you just wrinkled your nose at that Im gonna go with Upper West Side. BETH I wrinkled my nose?

27.

NICK It was cute. Beth hides a smile as they turn to watch Joan and Umberto. BETH Tell me hes a good guy. A saint. An angel. NICK Her? BETH

NICK Good. A saint and an angel. (beat) I give it a year. BETH Six months tops. They break up laughing before lowering their voices: NICK I thought I was the only one who thinks this is crazy! BETH Are you kidding? Theyve known each for what? Two weeks? NICK Exactly! Thats not even enough time for a credit check! Beth freezes. What? Nothing... NICK BETH

The Priest stumbles drunkenly over to them. PRIEST Nich-o-las! NICK Having a good time, father? The Priest grins lasciviously at Beth.

28.

PRIEST Oooh... could be better... NICK Father Dino here cleaned me out at the poker table last night. The Priest kisses Beths hand. PRIEST Mmm... bella... Then he starts to lick it before Beth yanks her hand away. NICK Easy, Padre. Remember those vows. Bah! PRIEST

The Priest stumbles off into the crowd. BETH Think Ill skip confession... NICK You should have seen him at the bachelor party. He kept saying Jesus died for our sins, so we should get our moneys worth. A train of dancers passes by as one of the Italian girls grabs Nicks hand and pulls him into the line. Beth laughs -until Nick grabs her and drags her along with him. Nick! BETH

But its futile. Beth and Nick are caught in the middle of the group now, trying their best to mimic the steps of the Italians. And as they do they share a Hey, look at us, were dancing smile. She shouts over the music: BETH So what do you do when youre not out thinning the Italian goat population? NICK Im a reporter... BETH Im impressed.

29.

NICK ...for USA Today. Beth snorts, covers her mouth. NICK What was that? Nothing... BETH

NICK You snorted at my profession. BETH Ive just never met anyone who wrote for USA Today before. I guess I thought those stories kinda wrote themselves. NICK Ah, a New York Times snob. BETH Im not a snob. I just dont need my news in color. Or with pie charts. NICK Okay, your turn. Let me guess...

He studies her face as they spin around each other. NICK (CONTD) New York Times... Upper West Side ... slightly superior attitude... (a beat) Youre a pole dancer at Scores. BETH Curator of Modern Art for the Guggenheim Museum. NICK That was my second guess. She laughs. The music changes to a slow dance. NICK Awkward.

So...

BETH I should check on--

30.

NICK Would you like to dance? Beth stops, taken off guard. Okay... BETH

They effortlessly move into each others arms. And as they slow dance the rest of the party seems to fade away... NICK You smell like lavender... BETH You smell like goat... She rests her head on his shoulder as Nick smells the skin of her cheek... touches the small of her back... getting lost... NICK (softly) Youre not so tough... And for once, she doesnt argue. Beeeeeth? PRISCILLA A perfect moment. Until:

Beth looks up to see her mother coming across the floor. PRISCILLA Its time to cut the cake. Beth reluctantly pulls back. BETH I guess we should go... Nick brushes a lock of hair away from her face. NICK I really do hope it works out. Hes talking about Joan and Umberto. well be talking about he and Beth. Me too. BETH But he could just as

Beth turns and walks over towards the wedding party, her knees practically buckling as she takes a deep breath:

31.

BETH Easy, Beth... DISSOLVE TO: LATER. Beth sits alone at a table, a half empty bottle of champagne in front of her. She spots Nick walking out to the piazza alone. Maybe its the champagne, maybe its Rome... but she finally gives in to it all. BETH What the hell. EXT. PIAZZA - NIGHT Its a beautiful night. The piazza is illuminated under a full moon, empty except for a young ITALIAN PEASANT sitting with his beloved at the edge of the fountain. Beth steps outside holding the bottle of champagne as she sees... Nick... gazing up at the moon, deep in thought. But just as Beths about to join him... a beautiful ITALIAN GIRL steps over to join him. She tosses her coat onto a bench before wrapping her arms around Nicks neck and kissing him deeply. BETH (to herself) Idiot... She watches, crushed, as Nick and the woman walk back off towards the party. Beth shakes her head, feeling foolish. BETH You promised yourself you wouldnt let it happen and then you did... She takes a big swig of champagne from the bottle. BETH What do I care? read USA Today! I dont even

The Italian Peasant tosses a coin into the fountain. Fools! BETH FOOLS!

They look up, startled, before running from this crazy woman. BETH Thats right! Run away you cowards! Run from the truth!

32.

Beth steps out of her high heels and swings her bare feet into the cool, sparkling water. Ahhh... BETH

And then, as if the Goddess of Love were calling to her, Beth lifts the hem of her dress and climbs into the fountain, the moonlight striking her in the most beautiful way... NICK steps back outside with his date and stops when he sees... BETH wading through the water, holding the bottom of her dress in one hand and her champagne bottle in the other. Its a magical image. And then she drops the bottom of her dress and lets it soak into the water. Letting herself go. Free. Pazzi. NICKS DATE

She picks up her jacket from the bench. Nick takes one last look at Beth before his date drags him away... ON BETH as she scowls at the statue of Venus in the fountain. BETH What are you looking at? (scoffs) Fountain of Love. What a crock. We wait all of our lives for the perfect man to come along and sweep us off our feet. And guess what? Hes not coming! Hes busy making out with Sophia Lorens bastard love child! Beth takes another slug from her champagne bottle. BETH Handsome. Wealthy. Mysterious. Intelligent. Romantic. Faithful. And a Bad Boy to keep us guessing. Isnt that what we want? Isnt that what we were promised? She looks into the water to the bottom of the fountain, covered with a thousand glittering coins.

33.

BETH Each one of these coins is a desperate wish for love that will never come true. The cowardly thing is to do nothing... She reaches down and plucks out a Silver dollar. BETH Im saving you... (picks up a penny) And Im saving you... (picks up a nickel) You I dont give a damn about... (she tosses it back and picks up a lire piece) But I will save you... Two POLIZIA on horseback appear at the end of the piazza... Eh! POLIZIA #1 Signora! Smettila! BETH The Love Police...

Uh oh.

Beth climbs out of the fountain and runs off across the piazza as we CLOSE ON the smiling FACE OF VENUS... DISSOLVE TO: EXT. NEW YORK CITY - DAY As a taxi pulls up to Beths apartment. A red-faced CABBIE hops out and angrily tosses Beths bags onto the sidewalk. BETH ...all I was saying is it wouldve been quicker to take the tunnel. CABBIE You got serious control issues. Ya know that, lady? He snatches the money from her hand and gets into the cab. BETH Gee, thanks, Dr. Phil. And here I thought you were just a cab driver. The Cabbie speeds off as she calls after him:

34.

BETH And I was right about the tunnel! INT. BETHS APARTMENT - NIGHT Beth sets down her luggage and looks to her empty, perfectly arranged apartment. She hits her answering machine. BEEP. NICK (V.O.) Hi... its Nick. Beamon. From the wedding. Joan gave me your number. BETH Thanks, sis... NICK (V.O.) I left messages for you at the hotel, but I guess you didnt get them... BETH Guess again, ass clown. NICK (V.O.) Anyhow, I was wondering if you would like to have dinner some-Beth deletes the message. BEEP.

CELESTE (V.O.) Its Celeste. Beth makes a face at the machine. CELESTE (CONTD) I have a Mr. Larsen coming in from Minnesota to discuss a sizable donation to the museum. And for some reason he wants to meet you. Be available from ten until noon. BEEP. Beth opens the refrigerator to find only condiments and a good bottle of chardonnay. She grabs some ketchup. LITTLE BOY (V.O.) Umm... hi... Beth looks curiously over to the machine. LITTLE BOY (V.O.) Did... did you know? That theres enough iron in the human body? To make a three inch nail?

35.

BEEEEEEEEP. End. Of. ANSWERING MACHINE Messages. BETH

O-kay...?

Beth squirts ketchup into a bowl as the phone RINGS. BETH (picking up) Hello? INTER-CUT WITH NICK in his messy apartment. NICK Oh... hi... Yes? Its Nick. Wedding. BETH NICK From the-He freezes.

BETH Yes, I know.

She runs some hot water from the sink. NICK I wasnt expecting to get you... BETH You want me to hang up so you can talk to the machine instead? NICK No! No, this is good. Im, uh, usually much cooler than this... Beth pours hot water into the bowl and stirs, making a very watery, very desperate version of tomato soup. NICK But I was wondering if you were free for dinner tonight... BETH Im already having dinner. NICK How about a drink? Or coffee?

36.

Nope.

BETH

NICK Which part nope? All of it.

Drink or coffee?

BETH Its a blanket nope.

NICK (hesitates) Maybe Im way off base here... but I thought we really hit it off... BETH Then I guess that makes me part of a very nonexclusive club. NICK Whats that supposed to mean? BETH I saw you with that girl in the piazza. And it looked to me like you two really hit it off as well. NICK (realizing) Oh... BETH Youre not going to tell me that was your sister with her tongue in your ear, are you? NICK No, that was Umbertos cousin. I was practically strong-armed into being her date for the night. BETH How awful for you. NICK Look, I cant help that I was someones date. But after I met you... after I saw you standing in that fountain... BETH (stopping) You saw that?

37.

NICK (nods) And now I cant stop thinking about you. So what am I supposed to do? Beth wavers for a moment, then digs in her heels. BETH Keep trying. Beth hangs up. Sighs. She tries a spoonful of the watery tomato soup before cringing and pouring it down the sink. ON NICK As he slumps down into his chair. Smooth... NICK

EXT. BETHS APARTMENT - NEXT MORNING Beth steps out wearing a sweat suit and her iPod strapped to her arm. She hits PLAY and starts off down the street... EXT. CENTRAL PARK - MORNING As Beth picks up the pace, her sneakers slapping across the Bow Bridge in time to the music. Strong and in control once again. Her New York City armor firmly back in place... EXT. BETHS APARTMENT - MORNING As Beth returns to her apartment we see a MAN sitting on the steps. He wears an Italian peasants hat and a rucksack slung over his shoulder. ANTONIO. If he looks familiar its because hes the same Italian who sat with his lover at the fountain before Beth scared them off in a drunken tirade. Antonio stands before Beth with a glassy-eyed smile... BETH What are you looking at, psycho? ANTONIO Forever will I remember these first words from your lips... (he takes off his hat) I am Antonio Giuseppe Donatella. And I have come here to America to make you, Beth Martin, my bride.

38.

Beth just stares. ANTONIO Your silence is captivating. BETH Youre putting me on, right? Did my sister put you up to this? ANTONIO You have a sister? I only pray she not be too jealous of your beauty. Beth looks down at her sweaty jogging suit and sneakers. BETH Okay, now I know youre crazy... ANTONIO Please, let me try to explain... two days ago, as I slept, a vision hit me like a lightning strike. BA-BAM! Beth jumps as Antonio jerks his body and falls to the ground. He stumbles to his feet and reaches out like a blind man... ANTONIO I was somewhere else... in the heavens above Nunzio... swimming in the clouds... shoo shoo shoo... Antonio paddles through invisible clouds... BETH Um... do you have one of those medical I.D. bracelets? ANTONIO And then through the clouds I saw it! A face! Your face, cara mia! Antonio reaches into his rucksack and pulls out a sketchbook. He flips it open to reveal an exquisite and inspired drawing of Beths face. Beth is captivated. BETH Hey thats pretty good... ANTONIO It was uncontrollable. Like a fever.

Antonio turns the pages of the sketchbook, each one a different drawing of Beth... jogging, eating, sleeping...

39.

BETH Is that my library card photo? ANTONIO I saw everything! He continues flipping the pages to show Beth taking a bath. Tutti... ANTONIO

Beth slams the sketchbook shut. BETH Okay, I get the picture. ANTONIO I knew then that I must travel to New York, that I must find this Beth Martin, that I must... (searching for words) I must... BETH Borrow library books under her name? ANTONIO Make her love me like the desert flower loves the morning dew! Beth just stares. Okay. BETH Off my steps, psycho.

ANTONIO Psycho! A pet name for me, no? BETH Look, I know this is probably some elaborate prank but Im just not in the mood. Im late for work and I dont have time to deal with any police paperwork. So if you leave right now I wont call the cops. Hows that sit with you, farm boy? ANTONIO I have no fear of the law, for my quest is singular. But if you ask it of me, I must comply. Antonio packs up his sketchbook and turns to go.

40.

ANTONIO We will meet again, principessa. Beth watches him go as we hear: Details! STACY (V.O.) I want details!

INT. GUGGENHEIM OFFICES - DAY As Stacy is following Beth down the hallway to her office. BETH Theres really not much to tell. I mean, the food was extraordinary. The sculptures around the piazza were stunning, but the whole thing was a little frilly for my taste... STACY Something happened. BETH Nothing happened. STACY You got swept away. And dont lie to me because Ill know. BETH You dont know anything. (shoots her a look) What do you know? Hah! STACY

INT. BETHS OFFICE - SAME As Beth steps in and slides behind her desk. Stacy sits down across from her with her arms folded, waiting, until: BETH (relenting) It was doomed from the start... Spill it! STACY

BETH First of all, hes from Brooklyn...

41.

STACY A local boy? BETH Second, he writes for USA Today... STACY I love USA Today. BETH And third, hes a liar. And a pig. Thats three and four, actually... STACY But hes single? BETH I dont want to talk about Nick Beamon. We have a huge week ahead of us and you need to arrange the transport of the Vollard etchings. STACY Okay, okay... Stacy starts for her desk when: BETH Hey, Stacy? Yeah? STACY

BETH Do you know anything about someone sending me a singing telegram? A what? STACY

BETH Not exactly a singing telegram... more like an Italian Peasant Gram. You know... for a joke... STACY How is that funny? BETH I was hoping youd tell me. VOICE (O.S.) Beth Martin?

42.

They turn to see a BICYCLE MESSENGER in the doorway. BICYCLE MESSENGER Sign here, please. Beth signs as the Messenger hands her a gift-wrapped box. STACY Ooh, I wonder what it is? BETH I dont care what it is. Stacy just looks at her until Beth gives in. BETH (unwrapping the present) Okay, okay. But nothings gonna change my mind about Nick Beamon. Not flowers or chocolates or.... The paper falls away revealing a package of: BETH (CONTD) ...bratwurst? STACY Theres a card... Stacy hands her a little gift card as Beth reads: BETH For Beth. Jeg elsker deg. What does that mean? STACY I dunno. But these arent cheap, ya know. I had to buy a pack when we tailgated at the Jets game. BETH You want em? Theyre yours. Really? STACY

BETH Knock yourself out. Suddenly, one of the other secretaries pops in: SECRETARY Sorry to barge in but -- hes baaack!

43.

BETH Whos back? Cmon! STACY Well miss him!

INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS As Beth and Stacy step over to join a crowd of secretaries at the window. As they look outside we reveal a construction team across the street. And among them is the GORGEOUS GUY. His shirt is off, revealing his rippling muscles glistening under a fine layer of sweat. The secretaries swoon. STACY He makes me glad to be a woman. Me too... MALE SECRETARY They all duck

Just then Gorgeous Guy looks up and smiles. down below the window, laughing, just as... CELESTE

steps into the hallway. Everyone quickly scurries back to their desks, leaving Beth standing there alone. We wait for Celeste to go off, but instead she forces a smile. Beth? Yeah...? CELESTE BETH

CELESTE I want you to meet Mr. Larsen. An OLD MAN steps out of Celestes office. SVEN LARSEN. looks at Beth, only Beth, as Celeste continues: CELESTE Mr. Larsen has just given a very generous donation to the Guggenheim. BETH Thats wonderful. CELESTE And now hed like a tour of our modern art collection. In fact, he asked for you specifically. He

44.

Sven smiles beatifically. Yah. SVEN

INT. GUGGENHEIM MUSEUM - DAY Beth walks Sven through the modern art collection on the top level of the magnificent, winding spiral ramp... BETH This is our most famous painting. Picassos The Woman With Yellow Hair. SVEN (staring at Beth) Yah, lookit dat yellow hair der... BETH The undulating lines, rounded organic shapes, and saturated hues attest to the artists appreciation of contemporary developments in painting such as Surrealism. Picasso was influenced by their investigation into dreams as a portal to the subconscious... Beth looks back to see Sven smiling lovingly at her. BETH (CONTD) ...and the playful colors he has chosen... for this portrait may represent that dream imagery... SVEN Yah, you betcha. BETH Mr. Larsen...? Sven. SVEN

BETH Sven, youre not really interested in modern art, are you? SVEN No, not really, eh? Got grandkids back in Duluth that draw pretnear the same kinda doodles der.

45.

BETH So... why are you here? SVEN Ever see Harold and Maude? What? BETH

SVEN Look, I know its a May-December kinda romance, yah? But I can offer ya tings dat a young feller cant. I aint sayin Im Will Gates or nuthin. But ya cant be the Bratwurst King of the Midwest without putting away a few bucks. BETH That was you...? SVEN Thats our top of the line. They won the Sheboygan Brat Off three years runnin. You can imagine how steamed them cheeseheads get losin to a Minnewegian from up Nort. BETH Whats Jag elsker dog? SVEN Jeg elsker deg. It means I love you.

BETH (turning to leave) Okay, thats it. Tours over. SVEN Wait! Lemme explain... pretnear two days ago, I got an itch, yah? BETH I really dont want to hear this... SVEN I mean a really terrible itch, ya know? Normally I have very moist skin, even in the summer. I went to put a little Noxzema on dat der and numbers flashed in my head. 4-23-3-5-0-2. I wrote dem in Noxzema on the bathroom mirror...

46.

BETH My office phone number... SVEN Yah. I called and as soon as your secretary said your name, I knew. BETH You knew what? SVEN Dat dis was my destiny, ya know? To make ya happy. To offer ya a life of luxury... security... (beat) And all de bratwurst ya can eat. BETH Okay, stop. Just stop. I want you to leave. And I want you to tell whoever put you up to this that its not funny and I hate it! We stay on Sven as she turns and marches off. Uff-da... SVEN

EXT. GUGGENHEIM - EARLY EVENING Beth steps outside wearing her sneakers for the walk home. She walks past the construction site across the street... and the Gorgeous Guy who still stands shirtless on the corner... Hey. Beth keeps walking. Sup? The light turns red. GORGEOUS GUY Shes stuck here for another minute. GORGEOUS GUY

GORGEOUS GUY Check it out. Beth finally looks over. What? BETH

47.

GORGEOUS GUY The eight-pack. The Gorgeous Guy whips his long mane of hair back and stretches his body to show off his ripped abdominals. GORGEOUS GUY Most guys only got a six-pack. But I got, like, two more. BETH Congratulations. GORGEOUS GUY Saw you checking me out earlier. You and the other girls. Beth presses the WALK button repeatedly... GORGEOUS GUY I dont blame you. I mean, Id check me out too if I were you. BETH Look, Me-anderthal, shouldnt you be getting back to work now? Work? GORGEOUS GUY Huh huh. Good one.

BETH Youre not a construction worker? Nuh uh. GORGEOUS GUY

BETH So why are you here all day? GORGEOUS GUY Where else would I be, Beth? BETH (freezing) Holy crap. Its another one. In the b.g. we can see Stacy and the other assistants at the office window, eating bratwursts and enjoying the show... GORGEOUS GUY You know what I love about you? Beth shakes her head.

48.

GORGEOUS GUY Youre not intimidated by my looks. Or that my ass is smaller than yours. He turns around and flexes his ass cheeks for her. BETH Oh my God... I know. GORGEOUS GUY Isnt it awesome?

The light changes and Beth runs across the intersection. Gorgeous Guy, still squeezing his butt, doesnt notice. GORGEOUS GUY Theres so much about me that you dont know. Check out my skin. Ive got, like, zero pores... He turns around to see that Beths vanished. He looks confused, maybe even a little hurt, until he notices his reflection in the window across the street. He smiles. Daaaamn... GORGEOUS GUY

EXT. STREET - MOMENT LATER Beth checks back to make sure she lost him as her cell rings. BETH (picking up) Hello? INTERCUT - with Nick walking down the street... NICK Did I mention that Joan gave me your cell number too? BETH (stops, then) Im too busy to ignore you right now. What do you want, Nick? NICK Same thing I wanted last night. BETH Whats it going to take to convince you to leave me alone?

49.

NICK I want you to look me in the eye and tell me youre not interested. BETH That would entail my seeing you. Which Im not about to do. NICK Yes, you are. BETH No, Im not. Beth looks up to see Nick standing before her. Yes. So... NICK You are. BETH

She stops as she realizes shes still talking on her phone. BETH (CONTD) (hanging up) Youre stalking me now? NICK No, Im just running into you... in a premeditated manner. BETH Okay, are you ready? Because Im only going to do this once... NICK Lemme have it. BETH Im not interested. A BEAT. NICK I dont believe you. BETH Youre like an idiot savant but without the savant part, you know that? Do you honestly not have enough bandwidth to process the fact that youre not my type?

50.

Why not?

NICK

BETH Well, for one thing, I dont find you attractive. Youre kind of cute, Ill give you that, but in a Isnt he cute how he burps the alphabet? kind of cute, which, lets face it, stops being cute pretty damn quick. Second, I cant see going out with somebody who writes the equivalent of fast food for a McPaper. Third, you think youre funny, but youre not-NICK (objecting) Im pretty funny... BETH Youre annoying. difference. Theres a

NICK Look, Im not going to stand here and give you a laundry list of all of my great qualities because, frankly, I dont have any... BETH Interesting tactic. NICK But what I do have is a complete lack of any terrible qualities which, when you add them up, is the equivalent of one great quality. BETH You lost me... NICK I dont smoke or do drugs. I dont live with my parents. Ive never been convicted of a felony. Im not obsessed with online porn or online poker. Im a journalist but not a writer, so Im not tortured over some awful novel that will never sell. In fact, I try to keep my goals pretty low all around so I feel a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day.

51.

Wow.

BETH When do we get to have sex?

NICK It may not be the most exciting life. But its honest. At least Im not always barking like some little porch dog thats afraid to go outside. BETH Did you just call me a porch dog? Suddenly, a BIKER on a Harley-Davidson pulls up. The Biker wears a leather vest, tatoos, a helmet and sunglasses. NICK I think youre afraid because you know theres something between us. BETH Afraid? Im the least afraid person youll ever meet! VROOOM! The Biker rolls on the throttle... BETH (CONTD) You dont know anything about me! Im fearless! And wildly impulsive! VROOOOOM! Beth looks over to the biker who motions for her to get on. Beth points to herself. Me? The Biker nods. Beth looks between Nick and the mystery Biker for a moment. Then she gets onto the back of the motorcycle and grins. BETH Looks like you dont know me as well as you thought you did, Nick. We STAY ON Nicks reaction as Beth roars off down the street. SMASH CUT TO: Beth on the back of the motorcycle, her triumph quickly turning to trepidation. Who exactly is this that shes hanging onto? EXT. BETHS APARTMENT - DAY As the Harley pulls up and the biker shuts off the engine. BETH So... thanks for the ride...

52.

The Biker takes the helmet off to reveal... its a girl. very cute but very butch girl by the name of JIMMY SUE. JIMMY SUE Im Jimmy Sue. Im Beth. BETH

JIMMY SUE I know. I just got your name inked this morning. Jimmy Sue rolls up her sleeve as Beth reads the tatoo: BETH Ride to Live, Live to Ride Beth. JIMMY SUE Thats how I roll. BETH Look... I dont know whats going on today... but you should know that youre wasting your time... I mean... Im... Im not... gay. JIMMY SUE Me neither. BETH Youre not? JIMMY SUE Im just Beth-Curious. (then) How about a drink? BETH (backing up) Sorry, but its been a crazy day. And I cant think straight... JIMMY SUE Thats a good start. BETH What? Oh, right! Cant think straight. Good one! Yeah... JIMMY SUE Ill be down at the Gloria Hole on Leroy street if you change your mind.

53.

Jimmy Sue puts her helmet back on. Later. JIMMY SUE (CONTD)

Jimmy Sue PEELS off down the street. Beth watches her go, shaking her head, before turning and bumping into -A MAN staring back at her with dark, piercing eyes. LANCE Excuse me... Beth wisely puts her head down and walks right past... LANCE Excuse me, Miss? He takes a step after her and touches her arm. Miss? LANCE LANCE.

Beth whirls around, letting loose: BETH What? What now? Why cant you people just leave me alone! A BEAT. LANCE I think you dropped this. Lance holds up her watch. Beth checks her wrist.

BETH Oh God... I am so sorry... Beth takes the watch and puts it back on. BETH Its been such a weird day and... thanks. Thanks a lot. She starts to walk past him when: Miss? LANCE

She looks back to see Lance is holding up her watch again.

54.

How...?

BETH

LANCE Time flies. But Magic flies faster. Beth warily reaches out and takes the watch a second time. BETH I get it. Youre one of those street magicians, arent you? Beth straps it (very firmly) back onto her wrist. BETH (CONTD) Well, thanks for the show but... Lance fans out a deck of cards with a flourish. LANCE My name is Lance Blackstone. And the show is just beginning... BETH Look, you should really go down to Washington Square. Theyll eat you up there. But I dont have time... Lance holds up her watch again. LANCE You have all the time you want. Beth grabs her empty wrist, freaking out: BETH Damnit! Okay, thats just creepy! Youre touching me and... and Im not aware... and thats not cool! She snatches back her watch and starts to put it on before thinking better of it and stuffing it into her purse... LANCE Dont you believe in Magic, Beth? Wait. BETH How do you know my name?

LANCE I know all about you, Beth. And now you can get to know me. Just pick a card and Ill show you my heart...

55.

By now a few KIDS have stopped by to watch. Come on! KID #1 Pick a card!

BETH Mind your own business! Other kids stop by, some recording on their cell phones. KID #2 Cmon, Lady! KID #3 Im puttin this on You Tube! BETH Okay okay OKAY! If I pick a card will you all leave me alone? YEAH! KIDS

Beth reluctantly picks a card -- the Queen of Hearts. LANCE Now place it back in the deck. She does. Lance shuffles the cards. LANCE Now... is it fair to say that we dont know each other? Yes. BETH And Id like to keep it that way.

Lance reaches into the deck and pulls out... a JOKER. BETH Not my card! Sorry! LANCE The Joker is me, Beth. A fool for love. And a fool for you. I said Id show you my heart... Lance starts to convulse. BETH Hey... are you...? Blood begins to bleed through Lances shirt!

56.

Holy crap!

BETH Somebody call 911!

And then Lance reaches right into his bloody chest and... PULLS OUT HIS STILL BEATING HEART! Beth SHRIEKS and runs into her apartment as the kids SCREAM. Lance digs into his bloody heart and pulls out -- The Queen of Hearts! LANCE Is THIS your card? The kids CHEER wildly as we... SMASH CUT TO: INT. BETHS APARTMENT - NIGHT As Beth pours herself a stiff drink. She downs it before grabbing her address book and rifling through the pages... INT. ITALIAN VILLA - DAY Joan is in the kitchen, her face practically covered in flour, wearing an apron -- only an apron -- as the phone rings. JOAN (picking up) Hello? INTER-CUT WITH BETH Joan! BETH

JOAN Beth! Guess what? Im making gnocchi in the nude! Umberto enters, also naked, and begins kissing Joans neck. UMBERTO My baby is making naked gnocchi. BETH Thats terrific. Listen, this joke youre playing on me is really funny. I mean, you got me! I dont believe in love and now Im up to my ass in it! Hah! But its really starting to freak me out now, especially the magician, so could you call it off?

57.

Joan makes a little MOANING noise as she responds to Umberto. JOAN! BETH

JOAN What? (pushing Umberto away) What are you talking about? BETH You really dont know? No. JOAN Whats going on? BETH

Okay...

Beth paces the room as she rambles: BETH Okay, this is going to sound crazy, but there are these people, right? And they all seem, well, like theyre in love with me. JOAN You think its strange that a man would fall in love with you? Men. BETH Plural. And one woman.

Umberto tastes one of the gnocchi. UMBERTO You must make them lighter, dove. Like little pillows of love. JOAN Really? But I followed your mothers recipe exactly... Hello! Right. BETH Me!? JOAN Sorry. So these men...

BETH And a woman...

58.

JOAN Theyre in love with you? BETH Ever since Rome. Yes.

JOAN Anything strange happen in Rome? BETH Yeah, you got married to a guy youve only known for two weeks. UMBERTO I heard that! JOAN Cmon, Beth. Think. BETH (pacing again) Lets see... I ate some shellfish ... drank champagne... actually a lot of champagne... and then... well, I kinda climbed into the fountain and took some coins... JOAN (to Umberto) She took coins from the fountain. Uh oh. What? UMBERTO JOAN

UMBERTO No one should take coins from the Fontana dAmore. Why not? JOAN

Umberto squeezes next to Joan to talk into the phone... UMBERTO The Fontana dAmore is a magical place. If you take coins from the fountain the love will follow. BETH I dont believe in magic.

59.

She peeks out through the blinds of her window. BETH (CONTD) At least I didnt use to... so what am I supposed to do now? UMBERTO You must return the coins. BETH I have my show in two days! I cant just jump on a plane to Rome to throw coins back in a fountain! JOAN Looks like youre stuck in love. BETH (shaking it off) This is ridiculous. Somebodys playing a joke on me, right? JOAN Right. Now, Im gonna go have acrobatic sex with my husband and then make marinara sauce. BETH You do that. JOAN Married life is awesome by the way. Love ya, sis. Beth hangs up the phone. She thinks for a moment, then she steps over to the closet where she pulls out her purse from the wedding. She dumps it out onto the bed to find... A Silver Dollar. A Quarter An Italian Lire piece. Nickel. A Penny. A Dime. And a blue Poker Chip. Seven? BETH An old

She stops as she remembers her words that night: BETH Handsome... She slides one of the coins out of the pile. Wealthy... BETH

60.

The silver dollar is next... then a coin for each one... BETH Mysterious... Intelligent... Romantic... Faithful... and a Bad Boy to keep us guessing... Or maybe its a Bad Girl... She looks up, realizing the impossible has happened: BETH Its a Bethapalooza. INT. USA TODAY - NEW YORK OFFICES - NEXT MORNING We pass through a beehive of activity to find Nick at his desk. Its filthier than a wicker toilet seat with mock-ups of todays LIFE section pinned up on the walls around him. PUCK Yo, Nicky... Nick turns to see a sleepy-eyed stoner, JIMMY PUCK PUCKNER, stepping into Nicks office with two cameras around his neck. NICK Whats up, Puck? PUCK Matthew McConaugheys in town. I got some rare shots of him jogging through Central Park. NICK Whats so special about that? PUCK Hes got his shirt on. NICK Wow. Listen, I need a favor. I want you to follow a girl for me. PUCK Snapshots or snatch shots? NICK What? No! This isnt like that. I just wanna get to know her. PUCK Thats what dates are for.

61.

NICK Tried that. But I got shot down. PUCK Down but not out, eh? I like your style, Nicky. Its a little creepy and probably illegal, but I like it. (grins) Im in. EXT. STREET - MORNING MUSIC UP: IS SHE REALLY GOING OUT WITH HIM? By Joe Jackson

Beth jogs down the street with her iPod on. She passes the construction site where we see a CROWD is forming. She suddenly freezes before slowly turning around to see... A NUDE MURAL OF BETH ...has been painted across the construction wall! Thirty feet long with two little cherubs covering her private parts. Antonio lays sleeping beside the mural, covered in paint... BETH Oh my God... A Bystander notices Beth. BYSTANDER Hey, thats you... Uh oh... Its her! Look! BETH BYSTANDER The Naked Lady! Naked Lady!

VOICES There she is!

People crowd around her, some taking photos of Beth with their camera phones as Antonio begins to stir awake... Bella...? ANTONIO

Beth takes off running. Some of the bystanders give chase, with Puck among them, firing off snapshots on the run... ANTONIO Im coming, Bella!

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CUT TO: Beth sprinting through Central Park. She looks back to see Antonio is catching up to her on a rickety red bicycle... ANTONIO You are so fast, principessa! She cuts through the trees as we hear him fading away: ANTONIO (CONTD) I love these games we play! You hide and I will go seek! Beth slows down to catch her breath when: SVEN JEG ELSKER DEG! Sven suddenly POPS OUT from behind a tree! Ahh! BETH Its Night of the Loving Dead!

SVEN I dont blame ya for runnin from dat meatball. He aint got two nickels to rub together, ya know? BETH I dont want your money! BELLA! ANTONIO (O.S.)

Beth turns to see Antonio has spotted her. She takes off running as Sven glowers and blocks Antonios path. ANTONIO Out of my way, old man! SVEN Cant ya take the hint? Beth thinks yer a pain in de neck. And I got an even lower opinion of ya. Antonio just blinks. SVEN (CONTD) Lower? As in pain in de ass? Ya know, it really loses its effect when I gotta explain to ya...

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In the b.g., sweating through his hemp t-shirt, we see Puck firing off digital snapshots from behind a tree as we... CUT TO: Beth checking over her shoulder. And as she turns forward she runs smack into -- Jimmy Sues arms. Jimmy Sue plants a DEEP KISS right on her lips before Beth can even react. Hey, babe. JIMMY SUE

Beth breaks away and runs down the path as Jimmy Sue leans back against her motorcycle with a knowing smile. JIMMY SUE Shes coming around... EXT. BETHS STREET - DAY Beth is trying to catch her breath when she spies a LITTLE BOY sitting on the steps to her apartment. Sweet-faced with thick glasses, he wears the coat and tie of a fancy private school. OLIVER CONNORS. Beth starts to walk past him when: OLIVER Did you know... Beth freezes. OLIVER (CONTD) The average person blinks once every four seconds? And if you added up all your blinking over your life youd see darkness for 1.2 Years? BETH Youre the three-inch-nail kid... OLIVER Im Oliver. Im eight. And a half.

BETH Im Beth. Im thirty and a half. What are you doing here, Oliver? OLIVER Well, I was doing one of those hidden word puzzles? BETH I used to love those puzzles...

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OLIVER Me too! It was on dinosaurs? I was looking for velociraptor but I found your name instead? Then I found New York City? And after that I found this address. See? He hands her the word scramble. And, true enough, Beths name and address are hidden within the puzzle. BETH Impossible... OLIVER And then I started getting flashes of what you looked like? So I started a chewing gum sculpture. Oliver reaches into his backpack and pulls out a life-sized BUST of Beths face, made entirely from chewing gum. BETH Holy crap... OLIVER Do you like it? She looks to his hopeful face before: BETH (CONTD) I think its the best chewing gum sculpture anyones ever made of me. Oliver beams. BETH (CONTD) Dont you have anywhere to go? OLIVER Not until 3:30. Thats my bus. Beth stands there, not sure what to do, until: OLIVER (blushing) Did you know... that I love you? Beth sighs. BETH I kinda figured. Come on.

She opens her door as Oliver steps inside...

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ANTONIO (V.O.) Please, it would mean so much to her. Please play it, por favore... INT. YOUTH HOSTEL - MORNING Where we see Antonio talking into a pay phone. ANTONIO Please play it, please... CLICK. Antonio dials again. Busy. He dials again...

REQUEST LINE (V.O.) This is KQ92 Request Line. Pronto! ANTONIO It is me again!

REQUEST LINE (V.O.) Youre psycho. You know that? ANTONIO Si si si! I am Psycho! know my pet name? (click) Allo? EXT. BETHS APARTMENT - MORNING Beth tentatively steps outside wearing dark sunglasses and a hat in a lame attempt to be incognito. She looks back as Oliver steps out wearing an identical disguise. BETH Remember what I told you. OLIVER If anyone says they love you, or acts like they love you, we run for it. Good boy. BETH How do you

INT. USA TODAY OFFICES - DAY Puck steps into Nicks office, still winded from the pursuit. PUCK Thats one crazy chick, man...

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NICK You found her? PUCK Shes pretty easy to find. NICK Is... is she seeing someone? PUCK No. Shes seeing everyone. And playing for the other team to boot. NICK Im not following you... PUCK Bro, shes a vagitarian. NICK (stopping) No, you got the wrong girl... PUCK The lens doesnt lie, Nicky. He shows Nick a digital shot of Beth and Jimmy Sue kissing. NICK She was straight a few days ago... PUCK You not only turned her off... you turned her off to the whole species. NICK Okay... okay so shes adventurous. Im an open-minded guy, right? Good. PUCK Cuz theres more.

He advances his camera to reveal a shot of Beth and Oliver holding hands as they walk out of her apartment. PUCK Shes got a kid. INT. GUGGENHEIM OFFICES - DAY A secretarys radio plays low in the b.g. as we hear:

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RADIO D.J. (V.O.) This is about the 50th request we got this morning for this blast from the past, so Im gonna play it just to clear the phone lines. This is going out to Beth Martin at the Guggenheim from Antonio. SECRETARY Oh my God, thats Beth! The KISS song BETH starts playing on the radio: KISS Beth I hear you calling, but I cant come home right now... SECRETARY Hey everybody! Turn on 92.7! We see secretary after secretary tuning in at their desk. KISS Me and the boys are playin, and we cant quite find the souuuuund... INT. USA TODAY OFFICES - SAME As Nick stares at the radio on his desk. NICK Who the hell is Antonio? KISS Just a few more hours... and Ill be right home to you... EXT. GUGGENHEIM - DAY Beth and Oliver slip past the crowd that surrounds the gigantic nude mural. Beth covers Olivers eyes... KISS I think I hear them calling... Oh Beth what can I do? ...before they duck the GORGEOUS GUY, glistening at his post. KISS Beth, what can I do?

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INT. GUGGENHEIM OFFICES - SAME Beth and Oliver step into the hall to find the assistants standing in the hallway, serenading her to the radio: KISS & SECRETARIES You say you feel so empty... that our house just aint a home... Cause Im always somewhere else... Oh God... BETH

The effeminate MALE SECRETARY sings a high falsetto: MALE SECRETARY And youre always there aloooone! EXT. GUGGENHEIM - SAME Celeste walks to the office when she freezes. She slowly turns to see Beths HUGE, NAKED MURAL smiling back at her. INT. GUGGENHEIM OFFICES - HALLWAY - SAME Stacy meets Beth, singing the harmony, while the others hold lighters over their heads, swaying together to the music... STACY Just a few more hours... KISS & SECRETARIES And Ill be right home to you... STACY I think I hear them calling... Oh, Beth what can I do...? CUT TO: Celeste marching down the hall, her face flushed with anger. KISS & SECRETARIES (O.S.) Beth I know youre lonely. And I hope youll be all right... BACK TO: The final chorus with EVERYBODY crowding around Beth.

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KISS & SECRETARIES Cause me and the boys will be playing, all night... Oh God... BETH

KISS & SECRETARIES Ah AAAAAHHHHHHH! CELESTE THATS ENOUGH! Everyone turns to see a red-faced Celeste standing behind them. Oliver ducks behind Beth as the secretaries scurry. CELESTE In my office. Now. INT. CELESTES OFFICE - DAY Where Celeste sits glaring back at Beth. BETH I can explain... CELESTE Theres a nude mural of you on the corner of 86th Street. Start there. BETH Thats... well, thats kind of... can we start somewhere else? CELESTE Why dont you explain why you left Mr. Larsen yesterday after I asked you to give him a private tour? BETH He was... inappropriate. CELESTE Inappropriate? He just donated two million dollars to the museum! For that kind of money he can swing naked through the atrium! Celeste stops and composes herself before:

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CELESTE Im handing your Picasso exhibit over to Renee. BETH (stopping) What? You cant do that! CELESTE Youve been too unstable since you returned from Rome. And The Circle of Gold determines our future-BETH Look, I know Ive been a little... erratic these past few days. But I can handle this. I promise you. Please. Dont take my show away. A LONG BEAT as Celeste searches her face... CELESTE (finally) If this show goes anything less than perfect Ill see to it that the only artwork youre ever allowed near are the velvet Elvis paintings for sale in Times Square. Thank you. BETH

CELESTE Dont thank me, Beth. Youre in hell and I just put your feet a little closer to the fire. Right... BETH

Beth nods and turns for the door. CELESTE And Beth? (beat) Pull yourself together. INT. BETHS OFFICE - DAY Stacy steps inside to find Beth with her head in her hands. She sets down a bottle of aspirin and a cup of black coffee.

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STACY Did you know that your jawbone in the hardest bone in your body? That kid is really interesting. BETH Where is he? STACY Watching Regis in the break room. So who is he anyhow? Is it one of those Big Brother programs? BETH Long story. Just make sure he gets on his bus at 3:30, okay? Beth pops some aspirin as the telephone RINGS. STACY (picking up) Beth Martins office. (then) Oh hiiii, Nick... Beth violently waves him off. STACY Sure shes available. Stacy puts him on hold and grins. BETH I really hate you sometimes. (picking up) What? INTER-CUT WITH NICK Sitting at his desk and holding a photo of Beths mural... NICK I didnt peg you for a Kiss fan. BETH Very funny. What do you want? NICK Im calling on business, actually. Were running a story on this mural someone painted on 86th Street... One minute.

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BETH (freezing) Oh... really...? NICK You must have seen it. outside your office. BETH I guess I missed it... NICK Theyre calling her The Naked Lady of New York. Shes causing quite a sensation. I thought Id get your expert opinion. Maybe put your photo in the paper alongside it... BETH (giving in) Please dont write anything... NICK The Life section could really use a human interest story like this... BETH Ill lose my job. I swear. Its right

NICK I guess I could scrap the story... in exchange for dinner tonight. BETH Thats blackmail. NICK Actually, its extortion. BETH Look, Ive got the most important show of my life tomorrow night-NICK I cant wait to hear about it. I made reservations for eight at a place called Blackout on Bleeker. BETH Youre a dick, you know that? NICK Yeah, but Im a dick with a date.

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She hangs up.

A BEAT.

BETH Im the Naked Lady of New York... DISSOLVE TO: INT. BLACKOUT ON BLEEKER - NIGHT Beth steps into a small, dimly lit bar to find Nick waiting for her with a mischievous smile on his face. We can hear the quiet din of people, but hes the only one we see. NICK You look beautiful. BETH This is the restaurant? No. NICK This is where we order.

Beth gives him a puzzled look as a jovial WAITER steps out through the black curtains wearing NIGHT VISION GOGGLES. This is DEVON, an exuberant, out of work stage actor. DEVON Hiiiiee! My name is Devon and Ill be your sensory guide this evening! What? BETH

DEVON Tonight you will be enjoying a delicious gourmet meal without your primary sense of sight! In this way your other senses will become heightened to bring you an exciting new culinary experience! NICK Its called Dark Dining. BETH You gotta be kidding me... NICK Its the latest thing. DEVON Have you made your selection?

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NICK Ill have the prime rib. And the lady will have the lobster. (to Beth) I always wanted to do that; order for my date like in an old movie. BETH Im allergic to shellfish. NICK Make that two prime ribs. DEVON Excellent! Now, if youll put your hand on my shoulder, and your hand on hers, Ill lead you to your table. BETH Maybe we should go get pizza? NICK Afraid of something new? That does it. She puts her hand on the waiters shoulder and Nick puts his hand on hers as they slip through the curtains. INT. BLACKOUT ON BLEEKER - NIGHT Its completely dark. Soft music and hushed conversation.

BETH This is really... Great? NICK

BETH I was gonna say creepy. DEVON Here we are! NIGHT VISION POV - as they are guided to their seats. My Dinner With Andre meets The Blair Witch Project... DEVON Ill be right back with your wine. If you need anything, just raise your hand and one of our attendants will assist you. Remember, you cant see us. But we can see you! Imagine

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A BEAT. Okay. NICK I think hes gone.

BETH We could be eating in a condemned crackhouse and not even know it... Here. NICK Try the bread.

BETH Theres bread? This is the weirdest thing Ive ever seen... DEVON You mean that you havent seen! BETH (jumping) Ahhh! Dont do that! We hear him pouring the wine. DEVON Your wine is in front of you at two oclock. Enjoy... A toast. THUD. BETH That was my forehead. Sorry. CLINK. NICK You gotta admit, this is different. BETH Im kind of up to my ass in different these days, Nick... NICK You mean that naked murals arent a part of your usual routine? NICK NICK To new adventures.

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BETH Yeah... about that... NICK And to be honest Im a little confused about the lesbian thing. BETH Im not... I mean... NICK But Im cool with that. BETH Ill bet you are. NICK And I love kids. Okay...? BETH

NICK So whats his name? Who? Your son? BETH NICK

BETH What are you talking about? NICK That wasnt your son you were holding hands with this morning? BETH So youre spying on me now? No. NICK

(beat) Someone was doing it for me. Look, I was desperate. You wouldnt see me and I wanted answers. But all I got out of it was more questions. Like whos the magician? And the Italian? And the old man? Suddenly:

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SVEN Who are you callin old? NICK Who was that? BETH Oh god, theyre here... ANTONIO I think its time you tell him about us, Principessa. LANCE And speaking of time... NICK Hey... my watch is missing. I know. BETH He does that.

NICK Who does that? VOICE Waiter! These people are ruining the sensory experience for us! GORGEOUS GUY Nobody can see me in here and I look really hot tonight... JIMMY SUE Youre not just barking up the wrong tree. Youre in the wrong forest... NICK Okay, thats it! Nick suddenly flicks his lighter to reveal -- ANTONIO, SVEN, JIMMY SUE, GORGEOUS GUY, OLIVER and LANCE around their table! ...hi. NICK

And then Nick looks to see... Beth is gone. EXT. STREET - NIGHT Where we see Beth desperately trying to hail a cab.

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TAXI!

BETH

Nick runs out of the restaurant. Beth! NICK Wait!

BETH I held up my end of the bargain! And now Im going home! A cab pulls up, but when the Cabbie looks over we see its the same Cabbie that drove Beth home from the airport. Oh crap... You! BETH CABBIE

BETH I promise I wont say a word! any route uptown you want! The Cabbie drives off as Nick steps over.

Take

NICK Its good to know not every man in New York is in love with you... BETH Very funny. NICK Who were those people? BETH Just a few of my admirers... NICK Its more like a cult. Ive heard of a love triangle, but this is more like an octagon. BETH I just have a way with men... and women... and small children... And me. NICK Am I under your spell too?

Beth allows a little smile.

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BETH Maybe you are. Nick grins. NICK So what do we do now? EXT. RAYS PIZZA - NIGHT We join Beth and Nick in mid-conversation as they tear into a couple of slices at this venerable New York institution... NICK ...and so she just left. To find herself, I guess. I still get postcards from time to time... BETH Thats so sad. NICK Wasnt meant to be I guess. BETH How do you know that? What if she was the one and now shes gone? NICK I dont believe that theres only one right person for you. I just dont think its very romantic. BETH Are you kidding me? What could be more romantic than that? EXT. STREET - NIGHT As they walk together on a perfect New York night... NICK The idea that the one isnt out there waiting to be discovered. But that the one could be anybody. And its up to you to decide who it is. With all of the people in the world, all of the possibilities... to look into someones eyes and say Youre the one. Not because fate deems it so, but because you do. Well...

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They slow to a stop. NICK (CONTD) I think thats pretty romantic. Beth swoons. Me too. Theyre very close. Its late. BETH And then: BETH

NICK Its not that late. And besides, its your turn in the confessional. She starts to pull away, like she always does, when: NICK (CONTD) I just want to know you. Beth looks into his eyes, searching, before: Come on... BETH

INT. GUGGENHEIM - NIGHT Beth steps inside as the Security Guard waves her through. SECURITY GUARD Evening, Miss Martin. Hi Henry. BETH

SECURITY GUARD Working late again? And then Nick steps in behind her. BETH Not tonight. The Guard raises an eyebrow. Hi Henry. NICK

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They slip into the museum as the Guard smiles. SECURITY GUARD Ill be damned... INT. GUGGENHEIM - MOMENT LATER Beth walks Nick up the spiral ramp as moonlight beams through the skylight, illuminating them in an ethereal, silver glow... BETH I used to come here with my parents when I was little. I thought this place was magic. My father used to tell me that the roof was made out of glass so that God could see the paintings from up in heaven... They pass the other exhibits, masked in shadows... BETH (CONTD) But then my parents went through a brutal divorce. And that was the end of our family trips to the Guggenheim. My father took me back a few times, just the two of us, but I think it reminded him too much of the past. Until, eventually, we just stopped going altogether... Beth hits the switch as THE WOMAN WITH YELLOW HAIR is lit up. Wow... Yeah... NICK BETH

NICK Tell me about her... BETH Her name was Marie-Thrse Walter. She was 17 years old when Picasso fell in love with her. Picasso was already married and 30 years her senior, so they kept their affair a secret. But Picasso documented his passion by hiding her initials in his paintings. See it here? She points to a hidden monogram in the paint.

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NICK Hey, yeah... BETH But what Marie didnt realize is that Picassos art was dependent on his muse. He left Marie for Dora Maar, just like he left his wife, Olga, for Marie. But Marie never stopped loving Picasso. And she hung herself after his death... As Beth looks back to the painting we see tears in her eyes. BETH (CONTD) Picasso said there were two kinds of women: Goddesses and Doormats. And he seemed intent on turning them into one or the other. A tear falls. Nick gently brushes it away.

BETH Im sorry... NICK Its okay... BETH Its crazy, right? To cry over somebody youve never even met? He touches her cheek as she closes her eyes. Their lips meet as they finally kiss. Long, lingering, romantic... INT. NICKS APARTMENT - NIGHT Where Beth and Nick are still kissing. And as their passion grows we hear something peculiar coming from outside in the street: the Peter Gabriel song IN YOUR EYES -- in Italian. EXT. NICKS APARTMENT - NIGHT Where we find Antonio holding a big BOOM BOX over his head, doing a bizarre Lloyd Dobler impersonation as he cries out: ANTONIO PRINCIPESSA! SVEN (O.S.) Shaddup, Meatball!

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WIDER - as Antonio steps over to where Sven, Oliver, Jimmy Sue, Lance, and Gorgeous Guy all sit sulking on the steps. SVEN Ya want her to think yer desperate? ANTONIO I am desperate! OLIVER Shes so much smarter than he is... GORGEOUS GUY Did you see how flabby his pecs are? Lance magically pushes a lit cigarette through his palm. LANCE Wheres the mystery? ANTONIO Wheres the beauty? The magic? The romance?

SVEN What about the finer things in life? JIMMY SUE Whats he got that I aint got? They all just look at her. SVEN De only way any of us is gonna get a shot now, is if we work together to get dat guy outta de picture. LANCE You mean team up? With you? ANTONIO Never! piss in yer ear if fire. But de time drastic measures. die alone, yah?

SVEN Look, I wouldnt yer brain was on has come to take Live together or

JIMMY SUE Svens right. Its big boy rules. They look up as we PUSH IN to Nicks bedroom window.

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SVEN Enjoy yourself der, Romeo. Cuz after tonight the gloves are off! DISSOLVE TO: INT. NICKS APARTMENT - MORNING Beths eyes blink open to see shes laying in Nicks arms. At first theres a look of panic... but then she starts to smile. She reaches for her Blackberry on the bedside table... until Nicks hand reaches over and stops her. She grins. Busted. BETH I need to check my vitals. NICK Your vitals are perfect. She kisses him and takes her Blackberry into the other room. Hey... NICK

She stops and looks to him, backlit in the morning sun in her bra and panties. He puts his hand over his heart, breathless. Wow... NICK

Beth laughs, feeling as beautiful as she looks. IN THE LIVING ROOM Beth turns on her Blackberry and it lights up like a pinball machine, ringing immediately. Beth sighs and picks up: Hi Stacy. BETH

We INTER-CUT with Stacy, frantic, at her desk. Beth! STACY Where have you been?

BETH I had the most amazing, erotic night of unprotected sleep. No alarm clock, no wake-up call-STACY Do you know what time it is?

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BETH Youre the one whos always telling me to slow down and take it -(seeing the clock) Holy shit that cant be right! STACY You need to get down here STAT! Beth hangs up and starts grabbing her clothes from around the room; the remnants of last nights passion. She slips on her pants as she hops around the room on one foot, then grabs a sock off of the table. She freezes at what she finds. BLUE POKER CHIPS In a pile beside a deck of cards. She picks one up and turns it over. Its the exact same as the one she took from the fountain, right down to the LOGO on the back. A sad smile. BETH Of course... Hey... NICK (O.S.)

She sets the chip down as she turns around. NICK Everything okay? Fine. BETH

Beth puts on her shoes as Nick studies her. NICK You dont look fine. BETH I have to get ready for the show. Hang on. NICK Ill give you a ride.

BETH Thats okay... NICK Its no big deal-No. BETH I should go alone.

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NICK Whats wrong? BETH I just need to work... I need to focus on whats real right now... Real? NICK

BETH I gotta go. She grabs her purse and coat off of the table. NICK What am I missing here. something wrong? She stops and looks back. No. BETH Did I do

Tries to stay strong.

(then) I did. She walks out the door. Beth? NICK

EXT. NICKS APARTMENT - DAY As Nick follows her outside in his boxer shorts... NICK I dont understand... BETH I know. And you never will. Youll never understand why youre so crazy about me. Or why you cant stop thinking about me... NICK Whats wrong with that? BETH Everything... (quietly) Because its not real.

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NICK Why do you keep saying that? Look, I know what I feel... She flags a taxi cab... NICK Beth, I love-Dont! He stops. BETH

And only now does he see the tears in her eyes. BETH Please dont. If you have any decent feelings for me at all...

She gets into the cab and drives off as Nick looks on, wondering how everything could have fallen apart so quickly. INT. TAXI - SAME Beth looks out the window as she allows herself to cry... EXT. NICKS APARTMENT - SAME As Nick tugs on the door to his apartment. NICK You gotta be kidding me! Nick turns to see Lance watching from the sidewalk. NICK Hey... youre Beths friend... LANCE At the moment. But after tonight I will unlock the key to her heart... Lance reveals hes holding a key. NICK Thats my apartment key... LANCE Magic is all about misdirection. You look one way, I go the other. Lance makes the key vanish into thin air. Its locked.

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NICK What do you think youre... Lance makes the key reappear and jump from hand to hand. NICK (CONTD) ...man thats really good. Thanks. LANCE

NICK (shaking it off) Gimme the key, Mind Freak. LANCE Hold your hands together, palms up. And I will make the key reappear. Nick eyes him suspiciously before he holds out his hands. Lance places a black handkerchief over them, grips Nicks wrists and shakes them before taking the handkerchief away to reveal -- that Nicks key is laying in his hands. Thank you. NICK

But then he realizes that his wrists are handcuffed together. What...? NICK

LANCE Just be glad that youre not underwater and locked inside of a safe. Trust me. Its no fun. NICK What are you doing? Take em off!

LANCE Sorry. But tonight is my chance to prove my love for Beth. And for that we needed you out of the way. We? NICK

Lance holds up a SHEET to cover himself. He wiggles it for a moment before it drops to reveal... Oliver has taken his place! NICK God, that is so cool...

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OLIVER Sorry about this, Mr. Beamon. Oliver raises a silver WHISTLE to his lips... NICK Hey... kid... what are you--? Oliver lets loose with a PIERCING whistle. Neighbors come to their windows, pedestrians stop and stare, two CONSTRUCTION WORKERS stop their job and turn to investigate. And they all see a little boy with a man in boxer shorts and handcuffs. Hey kid! CONSTRUCTION WORKER #1 You okay?

OLIVER STRANGER DANGER! What? NICK

OLIVER STRANGER DANGER! The Construction Workers growl and march towards Nick. We CLOSE ON Nicks reaction as we hear a TELEPHONE RINGING... INT. BETHS APARTMENT - DAY Beth hurries to the phone with a towel wrapped around her. Nick? BETH

INTER-CUT with Joan, walking down the Spanish Steps... JOAN Beth! Its me! Listen, Umberto talked to his Nana, who is, like, three hundred years old, and she said the only way to break the spell is to return the coins-BETH I told you, I cant just drop everything and fly back to Rome. JOAN You dont need to. She said if you return the coins to their owners youll return the love as well.

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BETH Give them back their coins... JOAN And youll be rid of them forever. Isnt that great? Yeah... BETH

Beth picks out the blue poker chip. ...great. BETH

EXT. BETHS APARTMENT - AFTERNOON Beth steps outside wearing a magnificent gown for the big Circle of Gold event. She hurries down the steps when: VOICE Beth Martin? She turns to see a balding, middle-aged man. Yeah...? BETH LARRY MUNCEY.

LARRY Im Larry Muncey. (beat) Susans husband. BETH Whos Susan? Larry pulls a photograph from his wallet and hands it to her to reveal -- Jimmy Sue. Except without the buzz cut and leathers. She looks like a normal, middle-aged housewife. Jimmy Sue? BETH

LARRY There was no Jimmy until last week. I woke up one morning to find out shed sold our minivan and bought a Harley. She left a note saying that she was coming to New York to find a Beth Martin. Beth cant get over how different she looks in the photo.

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LARRY I dont know what youve done to her. But I want my wife back. And the kids miss their mother. Kids...? Please. BETH LARRY Can you help me?

She looks to Larrys pleading face before: BETH Lets go get your wife. INT. GLORIA HOLE - EARLY EVENING Where Jimmy Sue is playing a game of billiards with a few other tough-looking chicks. She grins when she sees Beth step through the bar, woefully out of place in her gown... JIMMY SUE I knew youd come around... BETH I have something for you. Beth takes out a dime. BETH (CONTD) You tossed this into a fountain in Rome two years ago. You wished that you and your husband would have a long and happy life together. And you will, Susan. I promise you. Beth places the dime in her hand. Suddenly, Jimmy Sue drops her cue and steadies herself against the pool table... Careful... BETH

JIMMY SUE/SUSAN (voice changing) Whats...whats going on? She touches her hair and freezes. SUSAN What happened to my hair?

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Susan starts to cry.

Actually quite girlish now.

SUSAN What did I do? Its all gone! When did I cut my hair off? BETH Right when you got the tatoo. SUSAN What? Whats going on? Where am I? I wanna go home! Wheres Larry? LARRY (O.S.) Im right here, honey... Larry steps around the corner. Larry! SUSAN

Susan runs into his arms, sobbing: SUSAN What happened to me? Im hideous!

LARRY You look beautiful. You always look beautiful to me... SUSAN Oh, Larry... Cmon. LARRY Lets get you home.

Larry takes his wife out of the bar as Beth smiles. Then she looks over to see a huge, butch woman grinning back at her. BIKER CHICK Someones single. Beth high-tails it out the door... INT. JAIL CELL - DAY Where Nick, sporting a black eye, sits with two drunks and a crazy person. They all stare at Nick, afraid of him, as he sits in his boxers and handcuffs. A GUARD steps over. Beamon? GUARD You made bail.

93.

EXT. JAIL CELL - MINUTES LATER Nick, rubbing his sore wrists and wearing an over-sized Knicks sweat suit, steps out of the station with Puck... PUCK This cost me my Britney Spears Bungalow Eight Beaver shot money. NICK I really appreciate this, Puck. PUCK Ah, easy come easy go. Im always just a celebritard away from a new Porsche. So whataya gonna do now? NICK Im gonna stop these guys from ruining Beths show... INT. GUGGENHEIM - EARLY EVENING A small string orchestra plays as the most coveted patrons in the Guggenheims history begin to file into the atrium... Theres MRS. BEAKS, all family money and draped in dazzling antique jewelry... MS. FORD, a blue-haired society lady who seems more interested in the liquor selection than the art... MR. HUNT, a crude Texas oil billionaire, and his three bored children, RUSSELL, RANDY, and ZOE... MR. CESTER, a gay, clothing magnate and his handsome partner, PHILIPE... and MR. WORTHINGTON, a compact, Trump-like real estate mogul. We see Celeste trying her best to make sure that everyone is being catered to. But so far the reactions to the exhibits range from disinterested to downright hostile... RUSSELL HUNT How long do we have to say? RANDY HUNT (playing his Game Boy) Yeah, this is boring. ZOE HUNT Im missing Idol. MR. HUNT Zip it, Hunts. Daddy donates an ass load of money to this place and he wants to see where its going.

94.

MR. WORTHINGTON Into the artists pocket, evidently. Because its not here on the floor. Ms. Ford sips her (third) martini, getting tipsy: MS. FORD Not like the MOMA show... MRS. BEAKS Thats why MOMAs in the black... We see Mr. Cester bitching to his boyfriend. MR. CESTER Same. Old. Stuff. Even this Bellini tastes like last year. PHILIPE Stop being such a queen... Celeste grabs Stacy as she passes. CELESTE Where is she? EXT. STREET - SAME As we see Beth running barefoot down Fifth Avenue, holding her high heels in one hand and her purse in the other... INT. GUGGENHEIM - SAME As we see Sven on his cell phone... SVEN ...yeah, yeah, I got de cashiers check. And at a hundred grand fer one song theyd better be in tune! Sven hangs up as he looks up to see Celeste. CELESTE Mr. Larsen. Welcome to the Circle of Gold. So glad you could come. SVEN I wouldnt miss it for the world, Ms. Griffin. CUT TO:

95.

LANCE wearing a tuxedo t-shirt at the check-in desk. HOSTESS Im sorry, Mr. Blackstone, but I dont see your name on the list. LANCE Could you check again, please? The Hostess looks down at her clipboard, searching... HOSTESS Im sorry but I dont see anything listed under Lance or Black-She looks up to see Lance is gone. The Hostess looks around, mystified, as we see Lance is already past her at the bar. SVEN (O.S.) Well well well... WIDER - to reveal Sven stepping over. SVEN The Dis-illusionist. LANCE The Mummy returns. SVEN Nice tux, by de way. Real class.

LANCE Mystery is the only currency I need. SVEN Ya know what de difference is between a mutual fund and a magician? A mutual fund matures and makes money over time. LANCE Your money is no match for what Ive got up my sleeve, old man. SVEN If its a fight ya want--! A waitress walks by with a plate full of hors doeuvres. WAITRESS Shrimp puff?

96.

SVEN I could eat. Me too. They dig in as we... CUT TO: ANTONIO - sneaking down the hallway of the Guggenheim offices with his sketchbook. We hear FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING as he ducks behind a desk and peeks over to see... OLIVER, coming down the hall with his backpack. And just as he passes by Antonio sticks his foot out and trips him up. Oliver tumbles to the carpet as Antonio hops to his feet. ANTONIO Sorry, my miniature friend. But alls fair in love and war, capiche? Oliver suddenly reaches into his backpack and whips out a PAINTBALL GUN as he opens fire! Antonio screams as he is peppered with paint balls until he DIVES behind a cubicle. Capiche. OLIVER CUT TO: Beth as she runs into the Guggenheim entrance, winded... STACY (running over) Beth! BETH How bad is it? STACY Its like Shark Week up there. And your guests arent helping. BETH I figured theyd show up... Beth opens her purse and pulls out the coins. BETH (CONTD) But this time Im ready. She hurries off as Stacy reacts, baffled: LANCE

97.

STACY With a dollar in change? CUT TO: The TOP LEVEL of the Guggenheim where Beths exhibit is waiting. The Woman With Yellow Hair is illuminated under a pool of light. Seven more etchings are in shadow around it. Beth steps over to Celeste who is staring daggers her way. CELESTE Where in the hell have you been? BETH I had to help out a friend. CELESTE Well, I hope it was worth it. BETH You know what? It was. Celeste gives Beth a look. Sees a difference in her.

BETH (CONTD) Hows the show going? CELESTE Like rearranging patio furniture on the Titanic. And who are these bizarre friends of yours? She looks to see Lance and Antonio in a shoving match... BETH They were just leaving. NEW ANGLE As Beth marches over to them with coins in hand. BETH Okay, guys. Time to-But then Lance shoves Antonio right into Beth, sending the coins sailing through the air in SLOW-MOTION! The seven coins go sprawling across the floor as Beth sees... THE POKER CHIP ...rolling down the ramp of the spiral walkway!

98.

No!

BETH

Beth takes off running after the poker chip. CELESTE Where are you going? BETH Ill be right back! CELESTE For Gods sake! Let it go! But she cant let it go. Beth disappears down the ramp as we see Mrs. Beaks pick up the SILVER DOLLAR and the LIRE PIECE. Antonio suddenly stops, blinks, and steps over to her... ANTONIO Buona serra, bella... MRS. BEAKS I dont speak Mexican. Antonio takes her hand and kisses it lovingly. ANTONIO Your skin, it is so pale. The veins of your arms as blue as the highlights in your hair. I must capture this. I must paint you. Sven suddenly bumps Antonio right out of the way. SVEN Move it der, Meatball! (to Mrs. Beaks) Good evening, Mrs. Beaks. You truly are a vision of loveliness. Oh dear... MRS. BEAKS CUT TO: The most bizarre sight: Beth running after that rolling POKER CHIP as it circles past the fifth level... CUT TO: Ms. Ford, by now on her fifth martini, picking up a quarter. She feels it, sees it bends backwards, then snaps into place.

99.

MS. FORD This quarters made of rubber. LANCE (suddenly appearing) Shhhh... Lance puts his finger right over her lips. Erotic.

LANCE (CONTD) A magician never tells his secrets. He waves his hand and the quarter disappears. LANCE (CONTD) One has to be... discreet. Oh my... MS. FORD

LANCE Im in the market for a lovely magicians assistant. Tell me... have you ever been sawed in half? MS. FORD I had my gallbladder removed once. CUT TO: Beth kicking off her high heels as she runs down the fourth level. But the poker chip has gained momentum too... CUT TO: Mr. Cester picking up a nickel from the ground as: GORGEOUS GUY (O.S.) Check it out... They turn to see the Gorgeous Guy, shirtless, shimmering. GORGEOUS GUY I got an eight-pack. Oh my... MR. CESTER

PHILIPE What are you staring at, Chris? MR. CESTER Same thing you are, Philipe.

100.

CUT TO: Beth on the second level now and gaining... CUT TO: Zoe Hunt picking up the penny. Hi... Hello. OLIVER ZOE Oliver steps up and smiles.

OLIVER Did you know that your left lung is smaller than your right lung, to make room for your heart? Really? ZOE

OLIVER Think I need to make more room. Zoe smiles. Mr. Hunt sees it too. He grins... CUT TO: Beth as she dives across the atrium, catching the poker chip like a wide receiver pulling in a touchdown pass! She lands hard on the museum floor, sliding right before... NICK. He stares down at her as she offers up a weak smile. Hi... BETH SMASH CUT TO: The top level of the Guggenheim where we see nearly everyone is in the middle of a big LOVE-IN. Mrs. Beaks is smothered in affection between Antonio and Sven. Lance does magic for the Hunts as a drunken Ms. Ford acts as his frisky magicians assistant. Gorgeous Guy is showing off his ass to Mr. Muncey and Philipe, while Oliver displays his chewing gum sculpture to Zoe Hunt. The only one not happy is the humorless (and coin-less) Mr. Worthington. He glares back at Celeste. MR. WORTHINGTON What the hell is going on here?

101.

CELESTE (flustered) I... I... BETH (O.S.) I can explain. Everyone turns to Beth. She looks to Nick who gives her a nod. You can do this. Beth takes a deep breath before: BETH Welcome to The Art of the Muse. MR. HUNT What kinda art is that? BETH The muse is the source of the artists inspiration. But for Picasso, the muse was art itself. Beth hits the lights to reveal the sketches that surround The Woman With Yellow Hair. But instead of the Vollard etchings she was expecting, we reveal Antonios sketchings of Beth. Oh no... BETH

Mr. Worthington looks incredulously at the sketches of Beth taking a bath... Beths library card photo... Beth jogging... MR. WORTHINGTON Is this you...? MRS. BEAKS It looks like the mural outside. MS. FORD It is like the mural outside. STACY Youre the Naked Lady of New York? Russell Hunt points to Olivers sculpture. RUSSELL HUNT This one is her, too! RANDY HUNT Is that chewing gum? CELESTE You put yourself... in the exhibit...

102.

A LONG BEAT. Yes I did. But why? BETH MR. WORTHINGTON

Beth searches their faces before: BETH This week I was fortunate to feel something Ive never felt before. Adored. The same way that some of you are feeling right now... Ms. Ford winks at Lance... Zoe takes Olivers hand... Mrs. Beaks cuddles between Sven and Antonio... Mr. Cester and Philipe stare admiringly at Gorgeous Guy... And then Beth takes down the sketches of herself to reveal... the Picasso Vollard etchings underneath. Beth breathes a sigh of relief as the audience GASPS at their beauty. BETH The Guggenheim believes the audience shouldnt be separated from the art. Frank Lloyd Wrights dramatic design was created to make art inclusive. In the b.g. we hear the string orchestra change their tune. And something about it is more than a little familiar: KISS (O.S.) Beth, I hear you calling... But I cant come home right now... But this isnt on the radio. KISS Walking up the spiral ramp in full demon make-up! CELESTE Ive died and gone to hell... KISS Me and the boys are playing... and we cant quite find the souuuund! MRS. BEAKS (aside to Ms. Ford) You dont get this at MOMA... People look over to see...

103.

BETH We are all a work of art in our own way. We are all muses. KISS Just a few more hours... And Ill be back home to you... BETH And its through the generous contributions of people like you that this experience is possible. Kiss steps up to Beth, towering over her... KISS I think I hear them calling... Oh Beth what I can I do? BETH Okay, thats enough... KISS Beth what can I do? Stop it! BETH

Kiss stops before the stunned art crowd. SVEN I thought you loved that song? BETH No, I hate that song! Ive hated that song since grade school! (to Kiss) No offense. GENE SIMMONS None taken. PAUL STANLEY Whos got the cashiers check? SVEN Thats me... Sven pays the band as Beth turns to her stunned audience. A LONG BEAT. And then Ms. Ford begins to clap. Mrs. Beaks joins in. So do the Hunts. Mr. Cester and Philipe. Until only Worthington is left. He starts to smile. And then he begins to laugh as he joins in the applause.

104.

Bravo!

MR. WORTHINGTON

Beth smiles and nods her thanks before whispering to Stacy: BETH Get the coins... Stacy gives a puzzled look as we go to... INT. GUGGENHEIM - ATRIUM - LATER As our patrons are leaving. But while theyre all beaming with the blush of romance, our suitors look very confused... CLOSE ON - COINS As Beth slides them safely back into her pocket. MR. HUNT Best damn art show Ive ever seen! RUSSELL HUNT Can we come again tomorrow? MRS. BEAKS You were actually a part of the exhibition! Its brilliant! MS. FORD Youve got my number, Lance. Remember, Im discreet! What...? LANCE

MR. WORTHINGTON Celeste, you can count on us to help bring in the next year of the Guggenheim with style. MRS. BEAKS Hold on to that girl, Celeste. Shes fearless! Beth looks to the suitors, overwhelmed at what theyve done. BETH You saved my butt you know that? We did? SVEN

105.

Que fah?

ANTONIO

OLIVER What just happened? BETH Ill explain it all later. LANCE When can we see you again? BETH Tomorrow. And Ill have something for each of you. A gift! ANTONIO I cant wait!

SVEN Til tomorrow my sweet! They all file out the door before Beth turns to Nick. NICK Looks like you didnt need my help after all. He turns to leave. Nick...? BETH

Nick looks back. She wants to say something. But in the end, what can she say? Nick nods and walks out the door. Beth sighs, heartbroken, before she turns to see... STACY Getting a foot massage from the Gorgeous Guy. STACY Yeah... thats it... get between the toes... right there... Beth holds out her hand. What? STACY

Then Stacy drops the coin in her hand. The Gorgeous Guy drops her feet with a heavy THUNK onto the floor.

106.

STACY Ouch! Hey! You didnt do the other foot! Hey come back! Stacy chases him out the door as we leave Beth alone in the atrium. She sits down on a bench, all alone, as we... DISSOLVE TO: EXT. WASHINGTON SQUARE - DAY As we see Lance remove his thumb from his hand. The children scream and clap as he returns the thumb to his hand and bows. LANCE See you next weekend, kids! WIDER - to reveal Beth is walking at his side... BETH You have a real gift, Lance. LANCE Its all because of my lovely magicians assistant. BETH Well, I think its time that you found a new magicians assistant. Beth holds up the TRICK QUARTER. Beth takes a bite out of the coin, then blows on it as it snaps back into place. BETH Im guessing this is yours. Beth puts the quarter into his hand. Lances knees wobble as he steadies himself against a park bench. He turns back to Beth as we see his adoration for her literally draining away. LANCE Your breasts are flat. What? BETH

LANCE A magicians assistant needs to have large breasts. Its all about misdirection. Im sorry. Lance makes a business card appear out of thin air.

107.

LANCE Call me if you get a boob job. Lance hands her the card and walks off as Beth looks on. EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE - DAY Beth is holding out a coin for the Gorgeous Guy... BETH You know, I think Im going to miss you least of all. GORGEOUS GUY Whats that? BETH Its a going away present. But you have to do your part... GORGEOUS GUY I remember when I was in Rome... I threw a coin just like that into a fountain and wished I could meet somebody as awesome as I am... She presses the coin into his hands. The Gorgeous Guy blinks dumbly for a beat before spotting his reflection in a window. Daaaaaamn! EXT. STREET - DAY Where Oliver and Beth walk hand in hand towards his bus... OLIVER So you wont be angry if I iChat with Zoe Hunt? BETH Youd be foolish not to. They reach the bus. Beth brushes hair out of his eyes. GORGEOUS GUY

OLIVER Ill miss being in love with you. BETH (kisses his cheek) Ill miss it too.

108.

He smiles and starts to get on the bus when: OLIVER Hey, you know that feeling you get when youre in love? Like somebody is sitting on your chest? And like theres cotton in your ears? But in a really good way? Yeah... BETH

OLIVER Does that ever go away? BETH Not really. Good. OLIVER Because its awesome.

The bus doors close as Beth smiles sadly... Yeah. BETH It is.

EXT. TIMES SQUARE - AFTERNOON CLOSE ON - SILVER DOLLAR As it turns in an old mans fingers. We PULL BACK to reveal Beth and Sven holding hands, walking down the busy sidewalk. A SAXOPHONE PLAYER plays a sad melody on the corner. SVEN Ya know, I was married for fiftytwo years. Some of em good. Beth smiles. SVEN But even the bad times with her were better than the best times alone. When I stood at that fountain in Rome... I didnt wish for my wife back. I knew that could never happen. I wished for one more chance to feel the way I did when we were together... They stop on the sidewalk, facing each other.

109.

SVEN Thanks for making my wish come true. They embrace as we lose them amongst the crowd... EXT. FIFTH AVENUE - DAY As Beth and Antonio stand before the giant NUDE MURAL OF BETH that Antonio created, now being painted over by city workers. ANTONIO Do not be sad, principessa. I will paint you another. Even bigger. BETH Theres someone else you should be painting. Someone back home. Beth takes out the Italian lire piece. BETH I saw you at the Fontana dAmore the night I took this coin. You were with a beautiful girl. ANTONIO I do not remember. She must have meant nothing to me, bella. BETH I think she meant everything... She places the lire piece in his hands. A BEAT. Antonio blinks as he looks at her, as if for the first time... ANTONIO Her name is Angelita... I love her very much... but I was afraid to tell her how I felt... so I made a wish to find the right words... BETH The words you chose for me were the most beautiful Ive ever heard. Antonio smiles, pleased. ANTONIO I will never forget you. (kissing her cheek) Ciao, bella...

110.

Antonio walks off as we CLOSE ON Beths sad smile. BETH Good-bye, Psycho... INT. GUGGENHEIM - LATE AFTERNOON As Beth steps into the art gallery and up the spiral ramp. Her sanctuary. She looks up to the big glass dome above her and gives a sad little smile, remembering, when: CELESTE (O.S.) Shes my favorite, too. Beth looks up to see Celeste sitting before The Woman With Yellow Hair, backlit by the light of the exhibit... CELESTE (CONTD) I used to come and visit her every night. And each time I could see something new in the painting. I never knew if it was her or me. Beth nods. Understands. CELESTE (CONTD) But then the budgets tighten, the competition grows, the pressure builds, and pretty soon all you think about is filling wall space. Celeste gives a soft smile. CELESTE (CONTD) And thats why Im resigning. BETH (stopping) What? CELESTE I cant go on forever. Theyre like my children. I bring them up, take care of them, but now I have to let go... let someone else love them. Someone like you. BETH Me? But I feel like all Ive ever done is disappoint you...

111.

CELESTE Didnt you ever wonder why I was so hard on you and not the others? I knew they would never be able to love this place the way that I did. You had the passion. You just had to stop using your head and start using your heart. And you have. BETH I had a little help lately... CELESTE Now, if youll excuse me, I have a dinner date. And pick your jaw up off the floor, I have been known to date from time to time... BETH Whos the lucky guy? SVEN (O.S.) Ya ready to go der? Beth looks over to see Sven holding flowers. CELESTE You remember Mr. Larsen? BETH How could I forget? Celeste takes his arm. Sven winks at Beth as they stroll out. We CLOSE ON Beths reaction as she starts to smile... EXT. NICKS APARTMENT - NIGHT Nick steps outside to find Beth waiting on his front steps. A LONG BEAT as they size each other up. NICK So youre stalking me now? BETH No. Im just running into you. In a premeditated manner... He gives a little smile at that. BETH I have a question for you...

112.

Okay...

NICK

BETH If two people are happy together... but that happiness is under false pretenses... does it really matter? I mean... theyre happy, right? Whats the harm in that? NICK What are you talking about? BETH I dont know anymore... He steps closer. NICK What are you so afraid of, Beth? BETH Everything? And at that Beth begins to cry... BETH (CONTD) Im afraid of magic and spells... of fountains and wishes... and dreams that come true... NICK I dont understand... BETH I just wish it was real. NICK It is real. BETH Not like it is for me. I want you to love me the way I love you... She stops as they both realize... NICK You said you love me. BETH I... I did, didnt I? Nick nods as he steps closer.

113.

NICK And I love you too. Nick... BETH

NICK I said I love you. You think that doesnt scare me? I wasnt looking for this either. But it came just the same. And Im not gonna let it go. Im not letting us go. They look into each others eyes... NICK I love you. And I will always be faithful to you, Beth. Always. BETH Faithful. NICK Do you believe me? She looks up. Gives a sad smile. BETH I do.

Yeah.

And as they hold each other we see what Beth is carrying in her hand, what shes been holding behind her back... Nicks poker chip. FADE OUT. FADE IN: INT. BETHS HOTEL ROOM - MORNING Beth is sitting in front of a mirror, looking gorgeous as Joan does her hair up into beautiful little ringlets... JOAN You look hot. MY SISTER IS HOT! Shh! BETH Stop it!

114.

JOAN Cmon, sis! Youre part of the club now! What club? BETH

JOAN The fly by the seat of your pants, life is a thrill ride, shout anything you want club! BETH No, Im not. JOAN Yes, you are! And I think its incredible. I always knew you had it in you. Im proud of you. Dont be. BETH Hes under a spell.

Joan GROANS as she takes Beths face in her hands. JOAN The only spell hes under is the love he feels for you. Joan kisses her. And as she steps out, Jack steps in.

JACK Theres my girl! He kisses her cheek. Hi Dad. BETH

JACK So, what do you think of Kalee? BETH What happened to Tina? JACK Ah, she drove me crazy! All of that bumping and spiking! BETH Can I ask you something? He sits down beside her.

115.

Of course.

JACK

BETH When you married Mom... did you ever think you wouldnt make it? Jack gives a little smile. Understands.

JACK Bethann... your mother and I... we once had a great love affair. But over time things changed, and one day we woke up and realized we werent in love anymore. (looks off) Was it heartbreaking? Absolutely. But was it worth it? You bet. Jack looks to Beth. JACK (CONTD) You cant learn from my mistakes, honey. You gotta go out there and make your own. Maybe youll break your heart. Or maybe youll have the greatest love affair the worlds ever known. But youll never know unless you try. BETH What if there was no risk? What if there was a guarantee that youd never get hurt. Never get left? Jack takes her hand in his. JACK The passion is in the risk. He smiles warmly as tears come to her eyes. JACK (CONTD) Its like I always say... if youre gonna be a bear... BETH ...be a grizzly. He kisses her forehead. JACK Thats my girl.

116.

EXT. PIAZZA - DAY As we reveal that were back in Rome where it all began. A service has been set up right here in the piazza where we see some familiar friends and family members. But among them we also reveal... Antonio, with his Italian lover. Hes won her back with Beths words of advice... and Sven, holding hands with Celeste and looking on like proud grandparents. The WEDDING MARCH begins and everyone turns to see... BETH breathtaking in her bridal gown, being escorted down the aisle. They reach Nick before Jack kisses her cheek. The MUSIC ENDS as they turn to the Priest. Its the same, funnylooking, leering Priest that married Joan and Umberto. PRIEST Ah... a marreege ees alike all contracts ah... that two enter under the eyes of our Gud the father almighty... Beth looks at Nick, the guilt swelling inside her... PRIEST Is a said that a man ees not complete until he ees a married. After that he ees a finished! The Priest laughs at his joke. No one else does.

PRIEST Alors, if ees anyone here who has raisins for Beth and Nick not to get married today... speakup now or forever hold onto your peaces... Beth bites her lip. Any buddy? A LONG BEAT. PRIEST Any buddy? Por favore?

Beth stares at the Priest, thinking he must somehow know something, that hes waiting for her to own up... PRIEST Could be any buddy... you dont have to know them to speakup... NICK It seems that nobody is objecting, padre. Could we move on please?

117.

The Priest is really sweating now as he continues: PRIEST Alors, do you, Nich-o-las, take Beth to be your awful wedded wife? Yes, I do. NICK Si.

PRIEST Do you, Beth, take Nich-o-las, for your awful wedded husband. To love. To honor. Until death do your part? Think, bella. Ees very big responsibility, no? Beth looks into Nicks eyes, her guilt consuming her. Beth? NICK

PRIEST Donna rush her! BETH (tiny voice)

No.

A collective GASP. BETH I cant. I thought I could. But I cant do this to you, Nick... She opens her hand to reveal -- the POKER CHIP. She places it in Nicks hand and closes his fingers around it. BETH (crying) Im so sorry. She turns and runs out of the palazzo. SMASH CUT TO: BETH Running through the piazza where a flock of pigeons scatter in her path. Pedestrians stare as they see this woman in a wedding dress running through the square. She hops on one foot as she removes a high heel, then the other...

118.

EXT. FONTANA DAMORE - DAY Back to where our story began. The face of Venus gazes down upon us. It almost appears as if shes smiling. Beth stops before the fountain and looks up at the Goddess. BETH Think youre pretty funny, dont you? Did you enjoy making me crazy? Beth swings her legs over the edge and steps barefoot into the fountain, just as she did on that fateful night. BETH Did you have fun watching my life turn upside down because of love? (quietly) Because I did... Beth! NICK (O.S.)

Nick reaches the fountain, winded, hurting... BETH Im sorry, Nick. But none of it was real. At least, not for you. And I desperately wish that it was because it was so real for me. And I thought that made it okay. We were both happy so what was the harm, right? But then I looked into your eyes and I knew I couldnt do that to you anymore... (beat) So I gave you your chip back. Nick opens his hand to look at the poker chip. BETH I gave you your will back. Beth sobs as the tears flow. BETH And now youre free and Im the one whos under a spell. And all because of that one night in Rome. Nick looks at her for a moment. And then he steps into the fountain too. He wades out to join her, taking her hands.

119.

Beth? Yeah...?

NICK BETH

NICK What the hell are you talking about? BETH The poker chip. Your wish.

NICK I never threw a poker chip into the fountain. Beth stops. Blinks.

BETH You didnt? No. NICK

BETH Then... who did? NICK I have no idea. But it wasnt me.

She looks into his eyes as it slowly dawns on her. BETH It was real? All of it? NICK I saw you standing in this fountain and that was it for me. I fell in love with you right then. Because you showed yourself. The real you. And the more I saw, the deeper I fell. And Im still falling. (smiles) Even now. Beth slowly begins to smile through her tears. And then they meet in the most romantic kiss youve ever seen. Nick glances at the chip, shrugs, and tosses it into the water. DIO MIO! VOICE

They both turn to see -- the Priest, dancing with joy!

120.

Mama mia!

PRIEST Free of temptation!

Beth and Nick look back to each other, realizing... BETH Didnt you say that at Umbertos bachelor party... NICK --the Padre cleaned me out at the poker table... PRIEST Whoo hoo! Grazie dio mio! Bravissimo! Free at last! NICK Later on... when I have time to absorb all this... Im gonna be freaked out, arent I? BETH You have no idea. NICK But all I wanna know now is... do you still want to get married? Do you want to take a chance with me? Even with no guarantees? She slips her arms up around his neck. BETH The passion is the risk. NICK Does that mean...? She gives the most beautiful smile. I do. BETH

They kiss as we PULL BACK from our near newlyweds, kissing knee-deep in the Fountain of Love as we... FADE OUT. THE END