Annotated Samples 2

Essay Outlines
Good Sample

The following is an authentic text from a student’s sample work; writing errors may occur.

Sections Comments

Introduction
Thesis statement
People don’t sign the organ donation card because of the y The thesis statement states
Chinese traditional culture, unawareness of the importance the single central idea with
of organ donation, and misconception of organ donation. As a clear plan of
donating organ after death is meaningful, methods to development.
increase people’s awareness of it to save others’ lives are y The main points are stated
also introduced. in a parallel structure.
y The second sentence is not
a part of the “thesis
statement” – where should
this be placed?

Body
Topic Sentence 1:
Traditional Chinese culture encourages keeping the intact
body after death.

Specific Supporting Evidence:

(a) Our bodies are given by parents that should not be y Different reasons are given
damaged without their permission. to explain and to support
(b) It seems to be a curse of early death to yourselves. the topic sentence.
(c) People are afraid that their families are reluctant to let y What is the source of
them donate the organ. information?

Topic Sentence 2:
People are unaware of the urgency and large demand of
organ transplant.
Specific Supporting Evidence
(a) There is a lack of promotion (how to get those cards, y How does the lack of
what would be done if I sign the card). promotion affect people’s
perception of organ
transplant?

CC 204 0 E ng lis h for Acad e mic S t udie s ( He al th C are) – S tudy G uide

Topic Sentence 3
People have a lot of misconceptions of organ donation.
Specific Supporting Evidence
(a) People may fear that doctors may not try their best to y The topic sentence is well
save the life of an organ donor. supported by different
(b) People may worry that they may not be suitable for examples of people’s
donation because of a history of medical illness. misconceptions about
(c) People may worry that they are too old to donate their organ donation.
organ as the organ may not function well and healthy. y Is there any research
(d) They have the misconception of donating all the organs evidence to enhance the
once they signed the card even they want to donate only credibility of the essay?
one of them. What is the percentage of
people having these
misconceptions?

General Closing Remark/ Summary Should summarise the essay

It is suggested that donating organ after death is a by briefly restating the thesis
meaningful act to save others’ lives. And people are and the main supporting
encouraged to sign the organ donation card and change their points. (Often, it’s useful to
misconceptions about Chinese traditional culture and include a concluding thought
misconception of organ donation. of the writer about the subject
of the paper).
Overall comments
Merits:
y The students tried to approach the problem from different aspects.
Areas for Further Improvement:
y Research data is needed to strengthen the supporting evidence.
y Alternative methods should be proposed to address the problem.
y It would be better for the students to re-state the thesis statement, summarize the main
points and present the final thoughts about the topic in the conclusion.

CC 204 0 E ng lis h for Acad e mic S t udie s ( He al th C are) – S tudy G uide

Annotated Samples 2
Essay Outlines
Poor Sample

The following is an authentic text from a student’s sample work; writing errors may occur.

Sections Comments

A) Introduction
Thesis statement
1) The alertness of the disease of high blood pressure is y A thesis statement stating
low in Hong Kong. the topic, attitude/idea and
the plan of development of
the essay is needed. This
thesis statement is an
announcement of the topic
only. The writer’s
attitude/main idea and plan
of development, e.g. causes,
impact, solutions are
missing.

B) Reasons
Topic sentence 1: Over 1.7 billions of Hong Kong people y A topic sentence (complete
do not realize that they have high blood pressure. sentence) is used to outline
Specific Supporting Evidence: the main idea, but the
- According to the Population Health Survey 2003/04 of number 1.7 billions is
the Department of Health, 60% of male with high blood illogical and inaccurate.
pressure do not know they have the disease. y Specific supporting
- 1 in 5 Hong Kong people have high blood pressure. evidence with statistics is
- 1 in 5 Hong Kong people do not have the idea of high given, but the last two sub-
blood pressure. points should be better
linked to support the topic
sentence.
Topic sentence 2: Hong Kong people do not have body y Only general facts are
check annually. provided.
Specific Supporting Evidence: y Specific supporting
- Busy life do not allow enough time for them to have evidence with elaboration
body check. and research data (e.g.
- Unhealthy diet increases the risk of having high blood statistics, quotes) is needed
pressure. to support the topic
- Signs of high blood pressure are invisible, they know sentence.
they are high blood pressure when they are very ill.
- They belittle the consequences of high blood pressure.

CC 204 0 E ng lis h for Acad e mic S t udie s ( He al th C are) – S tudy G uide

Topic sentence 3: Most people misbelieve high blood y Only general facts are
pressure would only appear in the elderly. provided.
Specific Supporting Evidence: y Supporting evidence,
- People think that high blood pressure is only associated though given, is not
with heart disease, high blood glucose level and old age. specific.
- Statistic shows that majority of high blood pressure are y The last sub-point does not
the elderly. support the topic sentence.
- Advertisements on high blood pressure usually focus on
old age group.
- They think that discomforts such as tiredness and
dizziness are due to stress and hustle life, so that people
do not relate them to high blood pressure.
General Closing Remarks/ Summary No closing thoughts/ summary
Overall comments
Areas for Further Improvement:
y The outline shows no opinion/position as the examples
used are descriptive and obvious.
y Alternative methods to address the issue can be put
forward.
y A summary can be added to give a conclusion to the
essay.

CC 204 0 E ng lis h for Acad e mic S t udie s ( He al th C are) – S tudy G uide