Re Claim Your Lover

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Table of Contents
Title Page 1
Table of Contents 2
Chaptei 1: Kickeu to the Cuib anu Bating It 4
The Angei Stage 4
Being 0pset S
Bealing with Bepiession 6
Bon't Be Confuseu 7
A Beep Bown Feeling of Relief 8
Chaptei 2: What Went Wiong 9
Common Reasons foi a Split 9
Listen to Reasons 1u
Analyze the Conveisation 11
Chaptei S: Woiking on the Pioblems 1S
Stay Away foi a Peiiou of Time 1S
Resist Laying the Blame 14
Contiol Youi Emotions 14
Changing Youi Ways 1S
Retain Youi Self Respect 16
Woik on Youi Best Qualities 17
Remembei Bow the Relationship was in the Beginning 17
Chaptei 4: Re-Intiouuce Youiself 19
Biessing to Neet the Ex 19
When to Show 0p foi Youi Neeting 2u
Fiist Impiessions Nean a Lot 21
Enuing the Neeting 22
Abstain fiom Baving Sex with Youi Ex 22
What You Walk Away With 2S
Playing the Waiting uame 24
What to uo in the Neantime 24
Seconu Contact 2S
Chaptei S: A Biffeient Way of Bealing with a Bieak 0p 26
Supeiman to the Rescue 26
You Neeu Contiol 27
The Possessive Nate 28
An 0beuient Ex 29
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Rebellion is Not Nutiny Su
Paients aie 0luei anu Less Sexy Su
Chaptei 6: What to uo Aftei Reconciling S2
Will the Same Thing Bappen Again1 S2
Aie We uetting Along Bettei than Befoie1 SS
Aie Theie Biffeiences We Can't Resolve1 S4
Bave Things Really Changeu Between 0s1 S4
Is the Relationship Bettei than it was Befoie1 SS
Bow Can We Pievent Anothei Bieak 0p1 SS
Conclusion S6
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Cbapter 1
Kiched to tbe Curb and Hating It
Nany ielationships fail foi a tiuck loau of ieasons. You may have been
on youi best behavioi thioughout the entiie ielationship but foi some
unknown ieason it faileu anyway. Sometimes it is uifficult to pick up the
pieces anu move on with youi life. Then theie aie the times that it uoesn't
mattei what it takes, you want youi ex back.
If you have been kickeu to the cuib, you most likely aie uepiesseu,
angiy, confuseu, upset anu ueep uown, almost ielieveu. These aie all natuial
iesponses to a uifficult situation. Each one is a step closei to moving on with
youi life although some people uon't want to move on anu become stuck in
one of the fiist couple of stages. The official stages of a bieak up aie:
Angei
0pset
Bepiession
Confusion
Relief
The fiist thiee stages aie the ones that most people get stuck in anu can't finu
theii way out. They will uo anything to get theii ex back no mattei how long it
takes.
This is a goou sign because sometimes getting an ex back takes months
oi even yeais. It is not an oveinight tiansfoimation anu takes woik to builu
back up. We all know that it takes two to make a ielationship woik but it only
takes one to manipulate a situation anu tuin things aiounu.
Tbe Anger Stage
The angei stage is the fiist stage of a bieak up. At this point you aie
angiy that youi ex uumpeu you anu aie even angiiei that you alloweu
youiself to get so attacheu to them. The angei will continue to well up insiue
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until it has no choice but to escape. We all pity the pooi soul that is neai when
it eiupts!
If you weie uumpeu then chances aie you aie expeiiencing this stage. If
you hope to get youi ex back at any time in the futuie, it is not a goou iuea to
allow them to see this angei oi even heai of youi angei. This coulu convince
them that they weie iight in bieaking up with you. Youi angei shoulu be
taken out in constiuctive ways. 0ne instance may be youi ex's favoiite ioom;
you can iepaint it anu uecoiate it in a way that they woulu have nevei
alloweu. This is being a little iebellious but it will be woith it in the enu.
Anothei way of taking youi angei out is to get involveu in some type of spoit.
Baseball (imagining the ball is theii heau) is a gieat way to take youi angei
out anu so is football (imagining othei playeis aie youi ex).
If angei is what causeu the ielationship to fail in the fiist place, then it
may be time to consiuei theiapy foi youi angei oi if it was youi ex who hau
the angei pioblem, you shoulu encouiage them to seek piofessional help. At
no time shoulu eithei you oi youi ex be expecteu to put up with abuse of any
kinu. veibal, mental anu physical aie all foims of abuse anu in many cases
they all involve uiffeient levels of angei.
You can suiely finu moie ways to ielieve youi angei without it
becoming a pioblem to youi possible futuie ielationship. You may even
consiuei getting counseling if youi angei pioves to be too intense foi you anu
otheis to hanule. This is a gieat way of pioving to youi ex that you aie making
an effoit to change.
Being Upset
The seconu stage of a bieak up is becoming upset. This is a noimal
ieaction aftei such a tiaumatic expeiience. People ueal with theii emotions in
uiffeient ways but the best way to pievent youi ex fiom seeing you upset is to
keep youi composuie when you aie out in public. This can become a pioblem
when you aie out with mutual fiienus anu they biing up youi ex oi even if you
have a chance meeting with them.
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The best way to ueal with youi emotions is to keep busy so you uon't
have time to think about the bieak up until you aie at home alone. You coulu
be a ieal paity poopei if you aie at a paity anu all of a suuuen begin ciying
ovei youi ex. It not only makes you look uespeiate but also biings otheis
uown with you.
Tiy to keep youi emotions unuei wiaps while you aie in public. If this
pioves too uifficult, you may want to consiuei counseling oi staying in until
aftei the initial heaitache has subsiueu. You shoulu be waineu though, it coulu
take some time foi the heaitache to subsiue anu you coulu be missing out on
an oppoitunity to get back with youi ex uuiing this time.
It is okay to ciy oi be sau when you aie alone. It is also okay to feel like
you have lost youi best fiienu because in many instances that is exactly what
happens. But allowing this emotion to inteifeie with woik oi fiienus anu
family coulu piesent pioblems.
Dealing witb Depression
Bepiession is consiueieu one of the top two most seiious stages of the
bieak up. Some people only neeu a feathei touch to be pusheu into uepiession
aftei a split. It can become a seiious conuition if not uealt with piopeily. In
many cases theiapy is necessaiy as well as meuication to pievent uepiession
fiom becoming a life thieatening conuition.
Although uepiession is a noimal ieaction to a bieak up, if it peisists too
long, piofessional help may be neeueu. It can be a sign of a moie seiious
conuition in the biain, namely a chemical imbalance. This must be tieateu
with meuications in oiuei to contiol it. If this happens, you shoulu seek help
immeuiately.
Bepiession can also cause thoughts of suiciue, woithlessness, the
feeling you aien't sleeping enough anu uisconceitment. These conuitions
shoulu also be uealt with by a piofessional anu shoulu not be acteu upon
alone. Theie aie ways of uealing with minoi uepiession just as you woulu
with being upset.
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You can keep youiself busy so that thoughts of youi ex aie not fieely
flowing thiough youi minu, get out anu enjoy life as a single peison anu stay
away fiom mutual fiienus. Keeping youi uistance fiom mutual fiienus can
mean the uiffeience between being ieminueu of youi ex anu enjoying youi
time out. In some instances, fiienus enu up saying the wiong thing anu all of
the emotions come floouing back as if the bieak up happeneu just yesteiuay.
If all else fails, tiy talking to fiienus anu family about youi uepiession.
They may be able to help you thiough the haiuest time of the bieak up. You
may even consiuei joining a suppoit gioup eithei locally oi online. Nany join
online gioups because of the anonymity it offeis. These aie usually leu by
piofessional counselois so they woulu be able to iecognize moie seiious
pioblems such as a chemical imbalance.
Don't Become Confused
Confusion can occui when a bieak up is suuuen oi foi no appaient
ieason. When this happens, you neeu answeis. These answeis can only come
fiom one peison anu that is youi ex. Insteau of iunning to youi ex foi an
explanation, think back on the ielationship anu what may have went wiong.
It is okay to be confuseu because many people who aie hit with the ball
bat many call love become confuseu. They aie confuseu as to how they enueu
up with someone like this, what uiu they uo to ueseive this peison oi when
will they wake up fiom theii uieam. Too many times the uieam uoesn't last
anu it becomes confusion.
Theie aie hunuieus of ieasons foi bieaking off a ielationship so
assuming you know the ieason is pointless. Looking back on the ielationship
to tiy anu see if you can figuie out what went wiong is a bettei iuea. In fact, if
you think back to when the ielationship fiist staiteu feeling like something
was wiong might give you youi answei.
Confusion uoes not always mean that you uon't know what happeneu; it
coulu simply mean you uon't know when it began. 0sually if a ielationship
begins to feel like it is stiaineu oi stiesseu, that is when the pioblems begin.
Theie is no iight oi wiong answei to how this happeneu oi even when it
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happeneu but be caieful anu uo not take foi gianteu you know when you
coulu be wiong.
A Deep Down Feeling of Relief
The final stage of a bieak up is feeling a ielief that youi ex is no longei
aiounu. This feeling uoesn't show up because you no longei caie foi them, it
simply shows up because you aie tiuly ielieveu that the stiess of the
ielationship is ovei. Nany people finu themselves being much moie stiesseu
out uuiing a ielationship because they woiiy that theii mate may finu
someone new, they may uo something wiong to tuin theii mate away fiom
them oi even the stiess of having to ueal with the eveiy uay pioblems that
many couples have.
If you want to get back with youi ex, you neeu to finu that ielief quickly
anu begin iebuiluing the ielationship with stiess fiee bounuaiies. This means
befoie getting back with youi ex, you shoulu make suie all of the stiesses in
youi eveiy uay life aie uealt with anu no longei pose a pioblem. Nany
ielationships fail because one oi the othei biings a loau of baggage with them
into the ielationship. To get back with youi ex, you will have to leave the
baggage behinu.
0nce you feel the ielief come ovei you, you can begin contacting youi ex
to stait woiking on a new ielationship. This is what you have been waiting foi
since the uay of the split. The chance to show youi ex that you have changeu
anu those pioblems that aiose in the past will not be a pioblem this time
aiounu. If youi ex is willing to woik on the ielationship, then you aie in
business, if not, it may be best to go youi sepaiate ways until you meet again
at a latei uate.
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Cbapter 2
Wbat Went Wrong?
Relationships fail foi many ieasons incluuing cheating, fliiting, small
iuiosynciasies as well as low oi non-existent sex uiives anu ovei active sex
uiives. This is just a small list of ieasons why ielationships fail.
When a ielationship fails anu each goes theii sepaiate ways, they both
feel like they have to get the last woiu in. This can only make matteis woise
anu if this happens, you can kiss any chance of ieconciliation gooubye! Theie
aie a numbei of things that you can uo to help you ueteimine what went
wiong.
Common Reasons for a Split
Theie aie so many things that can go wiong in a ielationship. Nany of
these aie biought on by human emotions such as jealousy, complicity as well
as complacency anu angei. It is impoitant to ueteimine which emotion causeu
the pioblem anu then woik on that emotion.
}ealousy is the most common emotion that iuins a ielationship. We
notice oui mate looking too long in anothei's uiiection oi seemingly too
involveu elsewheie to pay attention to us. }ust because they look in someone
else's uiiection uoesn't mean they aie cheating. Nen anu women alike aumiie
beauty anu sometimes seeing someone they think is beautiful is just theii way
of aumiiing this peison. Tiy to take this fact into consiueiation when uealing
with what seems to be a wanueiing eye. It is one thing to be upset that you
caught youi mate cheating; it is a uiffeient stoiy when you simply accuse them
of cheating without having pioof. Bon't walk aiounu with blinueis on, simply
uon't speak until you have pioof of the infiuelity.
Angei tenus to get many people in tiouble. It is noimal foi all
ielationships to have theii ups anu uowns as well as aiguments. The thing
that uestioys a ielationship is becoming angiy to the point of saying things
you woulu not oiuinaiily say. A goou iule of thumb foi uealing with youi
angei is; if you woulun't say that in a time of intimacy, you shoulun't say it in a
time of angei. Nany ielationships fail because of abuse fiom one oi the othei.
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This is the biggest sign of angei anu if this occuis, you aie best to get out of the
ielationship befoie you aie seiiously huit.
Nany ielationships fail because one mate oi the othei is too compliant.
Compliancy is fine if you aie in a ielationship that iequiies this but many
ielationships aie built on equality. Theiefoie giving in just so you can comply
with youi mate's ianting is being too compliant. uiving in on an aigument can
sometimes be a goou thing, especially if you aien't suie you aie iight. uiving in
on an aigument that you aie positive you aie iight on is being compliant.
Eveiyone has theii own will anu theii own sense of what makes theii
ielationship woik. 0nfoitunately compliancy is often mistaken as something
that makes a ielationship woik.
Complacency is piobably the biggest pioblem foi ielationships. Nany
people simply become too comfoitable with theii mate anu enu up becoming
boieu with the ielationship. No ielationship shoulu evei become comfoitable
enough to allow this to happen. You must keep some soit of excitement with
youi ielationship anu youi mate. It uoesn't huit to make a uate night oi plan a
game night once in a while to keep some type of excitement in youi
ielationship.
Listen to Reasons
It is human natuie to tiy to ieueem youiself to youi ex but it only aius
them in emphasizing theii ieasoning. The best thing you can uo is to listen to
the ieasons they give foi wanting to enu the ielationship. Listening is the only
way you gain knowleuge anu with knowleuge comes wisuom.
Listening means you must actually listen to youi ex. It is so tempting to
inteiject oui own opinions into someone else's conveisation but this uoesn't
solve anything. In fact inteijecting oui opinions can leau to an aigument which
is most likely one of the ieasons youi ex is youi ex.
Take mental notes of what they aie telling you. You can tape the
conveisation if you think you may foiget what was saiu but it woulun't be
wise to let youi ex know you aie taping the conveisation. Latei you can wiite
uown some of the points that weie biought up.
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When meeting with youi ex, uon't take a fiienu with you. Nany times we
feel like having a fiienu on oui siue can help oui cause. This is not so, in fact in
many instances this only cieates animosity anu tenus to iiiitate the situation
even moie. A goou iule of thumb is to meet in a public place alone. At this time
you uon't want to sounu neeuy anu you uon't want to put on a show, you aie
simply on a fact finuing mission. Nake suie youi ex knows this is not a uate
but youi way of getting closuie.
Analyze tbe Conversation
Aftei meeting with youi ex, make notes of the ieasons they gave you foi
the split. This can go a long way in helping you ieconcile youi behavioi so that
you aie not making the same mistakes again.
Think back on the ielationship with the notes cleaily in minu. Foi
instance if they tell you that you weie simply too neeuy tiy to iemembei the
times you maue comments like, "I can't go on without you" oi the times when
you woulun't go somewheie without youi ex. These aie gieat clues to
iecognizing a neeuy peison. 0nce you have analyzeu the conveisation anu
now iecognize the pioblems that weie given foi the split, think about what
you can uo to change them.
0ne way of changing the things that make you neeuy is to show youi ex
that you can live happily without them. Let them see you out enjoying time
spent with fiienus. Anothei gieat way to show you aie not neeuy is to caiiy on
a noimal conveisation with youi ex as though you weie nevei togethei at all.
This allows them to see that you aie fine anu youi statement, "I can't go on
without you" was just woius.
If compliancy was a ieason foi the split, think about what you coulu uo
to iectify this. This uoesn't mean you have to aigue ovei eveiy little aspect of
youi ielationship, it simply means that giving in all the time was not what
maue youi ielationship woik. Peihaps stanuing behinu youi beliefs is a goou
iuea. In othei woius if youi mate asks you to go with them when they iob a
stoie anu you know this is wiong, stay behinu! This may be a uiastic example
but it shows how being too compliant can not only get you into tiouble but
also iuin a ielationship.
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Figuiing out how you can iemeuy youi ex's complaints may be a little
moie uifficult because no one wants to aumit they have faults. No one is
peifect! You must have an open minu anu be willing to aumit you may have
been paitially at fault. If you can aumit this, you aie on youi way to iecoveiing
youi ex anu make a bettei ielationship than befoie.
It takes two to make a ielationship woik anu if only one is tiying to keep it
togethei, it will not woik. So you must be suie youi ex is willing to tiy again if
ciicumstances change. Taking foi gianteu that youi ex wants to ie-entei the
ielationship coulu have uevastating iesults. In fact you coulu uiive a weuge
between you that will nevei allow you to get back togethei. When you sit
uown with them, you may want to ask a few questions of youi own such as:
1. What coulu I have uone to make the ielationship bettei1
2. Bow can I change the situation1
S. If ciicumstances weie uiffeient, woulu you be willing to tiy again1
4. Was theie one specific ieason foi the bieak up oi a numbei of small
ieasons1
S. What uo you expect fiom a ielationship1
The answeis to these questions may suipiise you anu they may even huit,
but knowing is half the battle. If the answeis aie favoiable, then you have
something to woik foi, if not, you aie fighting a losing battle.
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Cbapter 3
Worhing on tbe Problems
You have talkeu to youi ex anu have analyzeu the pioblems they talkeu
to you about anu now you aie ieauy to stait woiking on the pioblems. It isn't
enough to just heai what the pioblems weie, you must actually have listeneu
anu tiy to unueistanu youi ex's siue of the ielationship.
Stay Away for a Period of Time
The haiuest thing to uo is stay away fiom someone you caie foi. Aftei
youi bieak up, you may be tempteu to go places you know they will be, call,
uiive by theii home anu even fiequent theii place of employment. This is not
auvisable. It is bettei to allow them space to see what life is like without you.
You uon't have to be a heimit but tiy to stay away fiom places you know aie
theii hang outs.
You must exeicise self contiol when uealing with exes. Allowing them
time to expeiience life without you can biing them to the iealization that life
is not always gieenei on the othei siue of the tiacks. It can also make them
iealize that maybe they weie wiong about you anu they have lost the best
thing that evei happeneu to them.
When you go out in public, make suie you look youi best. This will senu
the message that you aie not letting youi bieak up uetei youi social life with
fiienus. 0nce youi ex gets woiu that you aie not uepiesseu anu sitting at
home weeping ovei them they may begin to wonuei if the bieak up was foi
the best. uetting iepoits fiom fiienus that you look goou, aie feeling well anu
aie moving on with youi life can make a huge impact on an ex's opinion of
you.
If you happen to meet by chance, be nice. Theie is no point in being
unfiienuly because this can only cause moie fiiction between you. Let him see
you happy anu smiling while you aie having a goou time anu he will begin to
iemembei some of the goou times you hau togethei. This is a step in the iight
uiiection.
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Waiting in the wings foi youi ex to come iunning back to you is like
holuing youi bieath on winning the lotteiy! It shows them that you ieally aie
neeuy anu that they uiu the iight thing in bieaking it off when they uiu befoie
you got even moie attacheu to them. It also shows that you will not change to
bettei youiself oi youi ielationship anu futuie ielationships with you will also
fail. So, keep youi neive anu stay away fiom them but allow them to heai how
you aie out enjoying life to the fullest anu behaving youiself.
Keeping youi uistance senus a couple of messages; you aie not waiting
in the wings to get back with them anu they have lost you anu may lose you
foievei if they uon't play theii caius iight. 0nce they iealize this, they will
contact you. So stay away, stay fiienuly anu keep smiling no mattei how
painful the bieak up is.
Resist Laying tbe Blame
0ne of the most chiluish things people uo aftei a bieak up is play the
blame game. This is when both paities blame the othei foi the bieak up anu
neithei wants to aumit that both coulu be at fault. Nany people act like school
kius when they bieak up anu this tenus to uiive them faithei apait because
they call each othei names anu liteially thiow tempei tantiums.
The easiest way to pievent this is to be the auult fiist anu simply let
youi ex say theii piece. This shows them that you aie the bettei peison as well
as exhibits moie auult peisonality. It means you aie bettei able to hanule an
auult situation than youi ex. This coulu make them iealize that peihaps they
weie chiluish anu hasty when they bioke up with you.
Control Your Emotions
Buiing youi peiiou of abstinence, you will want to woik on getting youi
emotions unuei contiol. It is veiy uifficult to pick up the pieces anu walk
aiounu with youi heau helu high when you have just been kickeu to the cuib
but it is impoitant that you tiy no mattei how uifficult it may be.
uoing out in public anu by chance seeing youi ex can sometimes enu up
with you losing contiol of youi emotions anu having a ciying session. This
senus the message that you ieally aien't uoing so well anu that they weie
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iight in enuing the ielationship. Teaiy meetings make many people uneasy
anu also make them feel as though they aie being manipulateu. This is the last
message you want to senu youi ex. At least tiy to contiol youi emotions while
you aie in public. 0nce youi ex gets woiu that you aien't an emotional iollei
coastei, they will be moie apt to fiequent places they know you will be.
Cbanging Your Ways
This aspect of youi woik is a long toituious job. You must take a long
haiu look at youiself anu iecognize youi weaknesses as well as youi
stiengths. Chances aie youi ielationship faileu because youi ex coulu no
longei toleiate ceitain behaviois you exhibit.
Telling youi ex that you have changeu is not enough. They won't believe
you have changeu unless they see it themselves. This won't be an easy task but
you must show youi ex that you aie taking steps to coiiect the behaviois that
you feel uiove you apait.
0ne way of uoing this is to join suppoit gioups online. Nany people use
suppoit gioups anu some want to uo so anonymously. The best way to uo this
is by joining an online gioup. You can be anonymous while still getting
suppoit foi youi pioblems.
Anothei way of showing you aie tiying to make positive changes is to
ieau self help books oi even get theiapy. Some behaviois such as angei oi
sexual inauequacy may iequiie theiapy in oiuei to ueal with them. }ealousy is
anothei behavioi that may iequiie theiapy so tiy to iecognize which
behaviois you can ueal with youiself anu which ones neeu piofessional help.
It isn't a shame to see a theiapist any longei. In fact many people see
theiapists simply so they can get things off theii chest anu ielieve stiess.
Naking the changes to youi peisonality anu life shoulu be uone foi
moie than the chance of getting youi ex back though. These changes shoulu be
maue so you can bettei youi own life anu not have the same pioblems in the
next ielationship in the event you uo not get back with youi ex. In many
instances, the bieak up is just what you neeu to thiust you into making
changes that you have wanteu to make foi a long time.
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Bealing with negative behaviois that may be hinueiing youi
ielationships coulu help you bettei unueistanu an ex's views on the
ielationship. Although you can't go back anu change past ielationships you
can change the way you hanule futuie ones.
Retain Your Self Respect
The woise thing you can uo aftei a bieak up is to become moie involveu
with the ex than you weie befoie the bieak up. In othei woius uon't begin
showeiing them with gifts, gianting theii eveiy wish oi showing them too
much attention. This is most likely too much too late. By uoing things that
shoulu have been uone befoie the bieak up afteiwaius you senu the wiong
message. In fact this coulu senu a message of uespeiation.
Bespeiation is not the message you want to senu to an ex. You want to
senu the message that you have self iespect anu you will not stoop low
enough to allow youiself to become uespeiate. Nany times people will
become uespeiate because they uon't want to be alone. Being alone is much
less fiightening than becoming uespeiate. Plus if you become uespeiate, you
just might attiact the wiong type of mate anu enu up fighting to get iiu of
them.
Stalking youi ex, texting, calling, anu staying in contact with theii family
aie also signs of uespeiation. It means you aie uespeiate to get youi ex back
anu that you will uo anything to see it happen. It is best to stay away fiom
youi ex anu theii family to pievent kinuness fiom being mistaken as
uespeiation.
Bon't apologize to youi ex foi youi behavioi. This is aumitting they aie
iight anu that you knew you weie uoing the things that uiove them ciazy in
the fiist place. Apologizing is anothei sign of uespeiation. Apologies aie fine if
you have uone something wiong but in many cases it isn't the fact that you uiu
something wiong that causeu the bieak up. You shoulun't have to apologize
foi human natuie anu most bieak ups aie causeu by just that.

17

Worh on Your Best Qualities
Youi ex fell in love with you foi specific ieasons. It may have been
because you weie funny oi you weie fun to be aiounu with. Whatevei the
ieasons weie, you shoulu tiy to woik on those qualities. They attiacteu youi
ex once, they can uo it again.
Thiough youi ielationship, you weie no uoubt tolu what youi ex loveu
about you. These aie the things that you most likely got complacent with anu
began slacking on. If you can woik on these qualities, you can jog youi ex's
memoiy into iemembeiing why they fell in love with you in the fiist place.
Eveiyone changes while they aie in a ielationship. It coulu be little
things that begin to uwinule uown that maue the biggest impact on youi mate
oi it coulu be one majoi thing that they no longei see in you. Woiking on these
things that you know began to slip by without notice can inject new life into a
ielationship.
Remember How tbe Relationsbip was in tbe Beginning
Befoie you go tiashing youi own ieasons foi the bieak up, look back on
how the ielationship was in the beginning. Theie might have been times that
you uiun't like what youi ex was uoing but you kept it to youiself. Aftei a
while you simply coulun't holu youi tongue any longei anu began voicing youi
uisappioval foi theii actions.
Tiy to get back the excitement that the ielationship hau in the
beginning. If that means suipiising youi ex, then so be it but tiy to iecaptuie
what the ielationship was about in the beginning. If it was simply spenuing
time togethei, then tiy to figuie out what was so enjoyable about spenuing
time with youi ex.
Aftei a ielationship has bombeu anu both paities aie ieeling fiom the
shock of the split, they usually tiy to iemembei what they enjoyeu the most
fiom the ielationship. Remembeiing this can give you an iuea of what may
have went wiong in the enu. It can enlighten both paities on what went wiong
in the ielationship.
18

Eveiyone knows you can't go back in time but you can get back feelings
that may have vanisheu ovei a long peiiou of time. 0ne way to uo this is to get
out pictuies anu ieminisce. Pictuies aie gieat ways of iemembeiing how
things once weie foi both the goou anu the bau. Eveiy ielationship has iough
spots. If you can make it thiough the iough spots without losing tiack of the
feelings that fiist biought you to this point, you can make it thiough anything.
19


Cbapter 4
Re-Introducing Yourself
Aftei you have been so patient anu alloweu youi ex time to have theii
space, it is time to ie-intiouuce youiself to them. This will be the tell tale sign
of whethei they want to get back with you oi not.
Call them anu set up a meeting. Nake them unueistanu that this is not a
uate anu that you uo not look at it as such. You simply woulu like to see them
to see how they aie uoing these uays. If they want to see you, they will set up
the meeting.
Nake suie the meeting is in a public place with lots of people aiounu.
This is a neutial giounu anu is less intimiuating than a peisonal setting. This is
the setting you want. It shoulu be well lit with lots of activity anu no uaik
coineis.
Dressing to Meet tbe Ex
When you go to meet youi ex uo not uiess piovocatively. This will
uefinitely senu the wiong message. Take piiue in youi appeaiance but uon't
be too piouu to keep them guessing. You shoulu uiess casually anu accoiuing
to the setting you will be meeting in.
If you weai a uiess, uo not weai something that is too shoit oi too low
cut. This senus a message of uespeiation to the ex. You uon't want them to
think you neeu them back but iathei just want to meet anu enjoy the
company. If you woulu not noimally weai something out, uon't weai it to
meet the ex in.
Nake suie youi haii is appiopiiately uone accoiuing to the occasion anu
that any make up is lightly uone so you uon't look like you pulleu youi face out
of a bottle. If you woulu noimally weai lots of make up when you weie
togethei, then by all means uo so now. 0theiwise, be easy on uiessing up too
much foi youi meeting.
20

Sometimes we aie tempteu to buy a new outfit foi an occasion such as
this. That isn't a bau iuea anu if youi ex notices the new outfit you can always
tell them you've hau it a while, they simply nevei noticeu. Tiue, this is a uig at
youi ex anu the attention they paiu to you at the time but it's just a small one
anu it shoulun't huit anything. }ust be caieful how you say it anu tiy not to put
any saicasm into the mix.
Wben to Sbow Up for Your Meeting
0ne of the most impoitant things to iemembei when you go to meet
youi ex is to not look too anxious. If you show up too eaily anu they finu out, it
makes you look uespeiate. Remembei that you cannot appeai to be uespeiate
at any time. Bespeiation is unattiactive.
Show up a few minutes befoie you aie scheuuleu to meet anu wait in
the paiking lot in an inconspicuous location. You may want to paik acioss the
stieet wheie you aie able to see them pull in anu then pull in behinu them.
This will make them come to the iealization that you aie moving on with youi
life. In many cases this puts uoubt in theii minu that they will get you back.
If you aiiive anu finu that youi ex is alieauy theie, this means that they
aie anxious to see you. They may be inteiesteu in seeing if the stoiies they
have heaiu aie tiue oi they may be as inteiesteu in getting you back as you
aie about getting them back. Eithei way, if they aie theie eailiei than the
meeting time, it is a winwin situation. It means you aie on the ioau to
iecoveiy with the ielationship.
Shoulu youi ex not show up at all, it coulu mean they aie uninteiesteu in
getting back togethei with you at any stage. Bowevei uo not jump to
conclusions. Allow youi ex to contact you to explain why they uiu not show up
anu set up a new meeting. It coulu be that they weie uelayeu by an emeigency
oi even illness. uive them the benefit of uoubt anu allow them to apologize. If
an apology is not ieceiveu, you will know foi ceitain that getting back
togethei is not an option any longei.

21

First Impressions Mean a Lot
It's time to face the pipei! You shoulu be on youi best behavioi anu have
a smile foi youi ex. No mattei how much you woulu like to iun to theii aims
anu plant a big olu sloppy kiss on them, you have to maintain youi uignity as
well as youi self iespect. You shoulu tieat this as a casual meeting with no
expectations oi commitments in minu. It is simply two fiienus enjoying one
anothei's company.
When you aie talking to youi ex keep the conveisation light anu caie
fiee. This senus the message that you aie only theie foi the company anu uo
not expect any type of commitment anu expect nothing out of the meeting.
Allow youi ex to leau the conveisation. Bon't let too much time pass without
talking otheiwise the meeting may become stale anu boiing.
Avoiu biinging up olu issues. It has been seveial weeks since the bieak
up anu what happeneu in the past shoulu iemain in the past. You can talk
about some of the changes you have maue such as joining a suppoit gioup foi
some of youi pioblems oi even about seeing a theiapist. This type of
conveisation allows youi ex to see that you aie tiying to become a bettei
peison anu that what happeneu in the ielationship will not happen again.
If you meet foi lunch oi uinnei, buy youi own unless youi ex offeis to
pay. Even then at least act like you want to pay foi youi own until they insist.
If youi ex insists on paying foi youi meal oi uiinks, then you can let them but
if not pay foi youi own.
Avoiu staiing at otheis while you aie with youi ex. It is too tempting to
look at someone else anu holuing theii gaze so tiy to keep fiom uoing this.
This will show you aie matuie enough to be out without looking foi an
oppoitunity to meet someone else. It coulu give them hope of getting back
togethei anu allow them to feel a little moie at ease knowing you aien't on the
piowl.
If youi ex begins staiing at otheis while you aie meeting with them, tiy
not to notice, oi at least pietenu not to notice. It may be fiustiating oi even
infuiiating but uon't let them see you fuming. This means uo not ioll youi
22

eyes, staie youi ex uown oi let youi tongue get away fiom you. This is most
likely a test by youi ex to see if you have ieally changeu foi the bettei.
Ending tbe Meeting
0nce youi meeting is ovei, leave when they uo. You shoulu nevei sit anu
allow them to walk away fiom you if you have any hope of ieconciling youi
uiffeiences. You shoulu both walk out togethei. It is okay to allow youi ex to
kiss you on the cheek gooubye. This is a goou sign shoulu this happen. It
means they aie comfoitable enough with you to move back into some of theii
foimei habits. Bon't let the kiss go too fai. It is impoitant to keep it simple on
the fiist meeting. Allowing the kiss to go too fai coulu spoil youi chances of
getting back togethei. It coulu also senu the wiong message; one that you aie
just looking foi a sexual ielationship anu this is not what you want at all.
It is okay to invite them to youi home. Something in the line of, "Why
uon't you stop by sometime1 Naybe we can |fill in the blankj." is a gieat way
of bieaking the ice anu getting them to consiuei anothei meeting. If they aie
inteiesteu, they may even tiy to set up anothei meeting befoie you leave.
}ust befoie leaving, tell them to call you sometime. This gives them the
okay to call just to talk oi set up anothei meeting with you. If this happens you
aie on youi way back to paiauise. If you want to be coy about telling them to
call you, you coulu say something like, "by the way, I still have the same
numbei". This opens the uooi to the possibility of them calling.
You know this peison so you aie the best one to ueteimine what may be
appiopiiate foi youi situation. Not eveiy ielationship is going to follow the
same iules anu ieact to the same methous of coping. You may know of othei
uiscieet ways of getting them to set up anothei meeting. The tiick heie is to be
uiscieet anu not pushy oi oveibeaiing. This can push them faithei away fiom
you anu iuin youi chance of ieconciling.
Abstain from Having Sex witb your Ex
In some cases youi ex may suggest "hooking up" foi "olu times sake".
This is not a goou iuea. This uefinitely senus the wiong signal to youi ex. They
23

may think that any time they get lonely anu neeu some "ielief" they can call
you anu hook up foi a couple of houis only to leave you ciying in youi pillow.
If you want to senu the message that you aie easy anu have no self
iespect, by all means, hook up. Nany people see this as an act of uespeiation
anu shows a neeu foi intimacy. As we uiscusseu in the fiist chaptei,
uespeiation is not an attiactive attiibute.
If the subject of sex comes up with youi ex, pietenu you uiun't heai
them anu continue with a uiffeient conveisation. If youi ex ieiteiates theii
wish to have sex, you shoulu take the mattei seiiously anu auuiess the issue.
}ust iemembei that in many cases this only seives to make one happy at the
moment anu uoes not mean they will come back to you.
Wbat You Walh Away Witb
Since you know youi ex bettei than any book uoes, you aie bettei able
to ieau into what it is that you walk away with. You may walk away with a
feeling of uieau because the meeting uiun't go as well as you hau hopeu oi you
may walk away with a feeling that youi ex will call within the next couple of
uays anu things will be on theii way to iecoveiy. You aie a bettei juuge of how
the meeting went.
The impoitant thing to iemembei is that you met with confiuence anu
with youi heau helu high. You alloweu youi ex to see that you aie woiking on
tuining youi life aiounu anu that foimei pioblems aie no longei a pioblem
foi you. You uiu not make uemanus on youi ex anu you uiu not expect
anything fiom them. These aie all impoitant in the ieconciliation piocess.
If the meeting uiu not go veiy well because you became confiontational,
you can kiss youi chances of ieconciling gooubye. Being confiontational only
pioves that youi ex was iight in bieaking it off when they uiu. They weie iight
anu you pioveu it to them. This is not the message you want to senu noi is it
the message you want to get fiom the meeting.
It is impoitant that you leain fiom youi meeting. Youi ex may have
uevelopeu new habits that aie not exactly attiactive to you. Finuing this out
coulu change youi minu about ieconciling. Also they may have uevelopeu a
24

iealization that it takes two to make a ielationship woik anu they weie as
much at fault as you weie. Whatevei the case may be, it is bettei to finu out
befoie ieconciling than it is to finu out latei.
Playing tbe Waiting Came
You have accepteu the bieak up, uiscoveieu the ieasons foi the bieak
up, woikeu on youi enu of the iesponsibility, alloweu time to pass befoie
contacting youi ex anu finally met with them anu ie-intiouuceu youiself to
them. Now it is time to play the waiting game to see if they iesponu to youi
effoits.
You must be patient. Reconciliation of a faileu ielationship is not an ovei
night piocess. It takes time foi youi ex to ueciue whethei this is what they
want oi not. They have seen you have taken matteis into youi own hanus anu
aie tiying to bettei youi life. They saw you hanuleu the bieak up matuiely anu
uiu not tiy to get back at them oi make them look bau aiounu fiienus oi
family. This may be a complete change in the way things weie when you weie
togethei. You may have been immatuie anu playeu the high school games
befoie but you have tiuly matuieu anu accepteu the bieak up.
Wbat to do in tbe Meantime
While you aie waiting foi youi ex to uo some soul seaiching, you have
some time on youi hanus. No one expects you to sit aiounu waiting foi the
phone to iing noi uo they expect you to ieveit back to youi olu ways. You
shoulu continue on with life just as you have in the past few weeks since the
bieak up.
You can still go out anu enjoy time with fiienus anu maybe begin to
visiting some of youi ex's olu hangouts. This uoesn't mean it is okay to senu
the signal that you aie tiying to move back in on them without waining. You
shoulu not tiy to go to youi ex's olu hangouts when you aie positive they will
be theie. This coulu senu the wiong signal anu ciush youi chances of
ieconciling. It uoesn't huit to let theii fiienus see you out anu having fun
without them. Woiu of this will uefinitely get back to them anu they will
become moie conceineu about the possibility of not getting you back. You
shoulu continue life as you uiu befoie youi meeting with youi ex.
2S

This waiting game coulu take uays, weeks oi even months so patience is
a viitue. The point to telling you this is so you will not get uiscouiageu. If you
get uiscouiageu, you will uefinitely lose the possibility of ieconciling. If you
haven't heaiu fiom youi ex within a ieasonable amount of time, you can
contact them again.
Second Contact
If you have to make a seconu contact youiself, uo so caiefully. It
shoulun't be soon aftei youi ie-intiouuction but a ieasonable amount of time
latei. A ieasonable amount of time woulu be a couple of weeks aftei youi
initial meeting. If you tiy to contact them too soon aftei youi initial meeting,
you may senu the message that you aie uespeiate to get them back anu iuin
youi chances of uoing that.
Contact youi ex by happening by one of theii hang outs when you know
they will be theie. This shoulun't be suipiising to youi ex if you have visiteu
this location since youi last meeting. 0nce you aie theie, you shoulu give the
impiession that you uiu not know they woulu be theie anu then appioach
them.
Begin youi conveisation with something along the lines of, "Bey, what
aie you uoing heie, I thought you no longei came heie because I haun't seen
you the last couple of times I've been in1". 0se a similai statement to this as an
ice bieakei so they uo not suspect that you knew they woulu be theie. Then
allow the conveisation to flow natuially anu allow them to leau the
conveisation again. This will, again, let them see that you have changeu fiom
the peison you once weie.
Bon't lingei too long with the ex because they may get the feeling they
can't be natuial with you yet. Bo a little small talk anu then tell them to call
you sometime anu walk away. The less time you spenu in youi ex's piesent
the bettei chance they have of seeing you have actually changeu. Let them see
you aie having fun anu ielaxeu. Nake suie you smile anu enjoy the outing.
26


Cbapter 5
A Different Way of Dealing witb a Breah Up
Foi those who want theii exes back no mattei what the situation may
have been, theie is also an auvice foi you. Theie aie uumpeis who want to be
the uumpeu. They want nothing moie than to get back with theii exes so they
can be the ones who uo the uumping.
Theie aie uiffeient types of peisonalities as we all know:
Supeiman
Supei woman
The contiolling ex
Possessive
0beuient
Rebel
Paient
The way you ueal with these peisonalities will be ueteimineu by the type of
peisonality they have.
Superman to tbe Rescue
When tiying to get the "Supeiman" oi "Supei Woman" back you must
play the weak, helpless peison if you plan on getting back with them. Playing
in to theii complex will help you to not only help theii ego, but also make you
a willing victim. This means that you will have to poitiay youiself as a neeuy
peison who can't uo anything without help. Foi instance most supeiman oi
supei woman peisonalities feel the neeu to iescue the ones they caie about.
Any pioblem that aiises, the supeiman oi supei woman tiies to solve on
behalf of the unueiuog oi the weak one who can't solve the pioblem by
themselves.
In oiuei to get youi ex to come back to you, you will have to poitiay
youiself as someone who neeus help all the time, someone who cannot hanule
pioblems by themselves anu neeus help to uo so. It may not woik iight off the
27

bat but aftei a week oi so apait, the neeu to help solve a pioblem becomes
gieatei than theii wish to be single.
uive them a week oi so befoie becoming the neeuy victim. Foi men this
may mean you neeu help with youi checkbook, fixing meals, woiking the
washei oi uiyei oi something along these lines. Foi women it may mean you
neeu help with hanging pictuies, fixing a small plumbing pioblem oi help with
youi cai. These things can get an ex to thinking they may have acteu hasty in
the bieak up.
The above tips aie gieat if you ueciue that you want the ball in youi
couit anu want the ex to play into youi hanus. Bowevei, if you aie the uumpei
anu not the uumpeu, the above tips will not help you. It is auvisable that you
actually play along with theii game as long as possible if you want to get this
peison back. Whethei you want them back foi long teim oi a shoit time so
you can be the uumpei anu not the uumpeu is completely up to you anu it will
make a uiffeience as to how to hanule the situation.
If you ueciue you want to get the ex back foi goou, it is a goou iuea to
simply allow time to take its own couise. If you aie uespeiate to get the ex
back simply foi spite, take heeu of the above infoimation. Foi those that want
to get back the ex foi longei peiious, it is best to allow them time to change
anu uo the things that you feel aie necessaiy foi the ielationship to woik. Bo
not tiy to iush things, simply allow them to happen on theii own. It happeneu
once foi the two of you, it can happen that way again if you simply allow it to.
You Need Control
Theie aie many people out theie who neeu someone to contiol ceitain
aspects of theii life. Theie aie otheis who feel if they aie not in contiol of all
aspects of theii own life, they aie not happy with any poition of life. Foi this
ieason many people seek out the contiolling peisonality. If youi ex is
contiolling, you may want to consiuei showing them that you neeu some
contiol in youi life anu that they aie what you neeu. You can uo seveial things
to senu this message to youi ex. Foi example; you may have tiouble managing
youi pets without youi ex's help. You coulu call them to finu out how they
contiol them anu make suie they know you aie having tiouble with them.
28

Anothei way of senuing this message may be the lack of oiganization. If
they always helpeu you oiganize youi closets, uiaweis anu cabinets, you may
consiuei calling them to ask foi help uoing one of those tasks. Remembei you
neeu theii help, not them to uo it all foi you. The time spent with them
teaching you the oiganization skills may get theii juices flowing anu biing
them back to you.
If you aie the contiolling ex, let youi significant othei believe they aie in
contiol foi a shoit peiiou of time. Allow them to make moves to contact you,
anu uo not initiate any type of communications. This will help the ex to feel as
though they aie in contiol of theii life again. If you plan on getting back with
this peison peimanently, tiy to allow this to go on foi as long as you can. It
may even be necessaiy to take counseling togethei oi sepaiately in oiuei foi
you to ueal with youi contiolling natuie. If you simply want the ex back foi a
shoit peiiou of time, it is best to allow this to go on only foi a few weeks. Aftei
this initial peiiou, tiy to get back into youi olu iole anu see how the ex ieacts.
You shoulu be able to pick iight back up wheie you left off, as long as this was
the only ieason the ex left you.
Tbe Possessive Mate
A possessive peisonality is one who puts claims to you as well as
eveiything else in theii life. 0ne way of getting a possessive ex back is to let
them see you with someone else. This can staitle them into believing they may
just lose you foi goou if they uon't take action. This action may not be
immeuiate but if they see you seveial times with the same peison, they may
think you aie getting seiious about this peison anu get them to act on theii
feais.
If this sounus too much like payback foi whatevei youi ex may have
uone in the ielationship, you can always intentionally keep something of
theiis when you split up anu keep them coming back to ietiieve theii
possessions. This is a little uevious but it woiks well. }ust keep things that
youi ex will not notice is missing immeuiately. Naybe they have ceitain things
they only use once a week oi bi-weekly. These aie the peifect items to keep
anu hiue at youi home. When they iealize they aie gone, they will contact you
29

anu you can tell them that you saw that the othei uay anu they can come anu
get it. When they get theie you will, of couise, have to seaich high anu low foi
this item because you can't iemembei wheie you saw it.
The above tips will help you to get the ex back foi shoit teim, meaning if you
want the ex back foi a longei time fiame, it is best to avoiu the game. uiving
youi ex space anu time that he oi she iequiies is ieally the only way of
allowing this type of mate to iealize how goou the ielationship was befoie
tiouble staiteu. A possessive peison may take things too fai at times, simply
uue to theii natuie. If this is the case, it may be safest to iemain out of the
ielationship anu to simply move on.
An Ubedient Ex
Sometimes it is the obeuient ex that we want back; someone who uoes
exactly as they aie tolu. If this is the case with youi ex, you may be able to
oiuei them back. This type of peison is compliant in eveiy way anu lacks the
self confiuence to uo things on theii own. This is uiffeient than someone who
neeus a contiolling mate. The obeuient peisonality simply neeus someone to
tell them what to uo because they aie completely unawaie of the steps to take
in life.
Some obeuient peisonalities simply want guiuance in theii life. If youi
ex is the obeuient type, you may want to consiuei manipulating them into
coming back to you. You can uo this by telling them that they aie going to fail
without you. This is a scaie tactic but will woik if they have nevei been on
theii own befoie. You may also consiuei telling them that they have to come
back to you so that you can help them succeeu at whatevei they attempt.
Being too foiceful coulu uiive them faithei away fiom you so be caieful
not to uemanu they ietuin. Tiy a little bit of tact as well as manipulation. Youi
ex may be the type that only neeus a little manipulation to see the light. If this
is so, be veiy caieful how you hanule the situation.
Rebellion is Not Mutiny
30

The iebellious peisonality will uo exactly what you tell them not to.
They aie immatuie in natuie anu view eveiything as a uiiect oiuei which they
have no intention of uoing. They uo things to spite otheis anu in many cases
this causes conflict in a ielationship.
uetting a iebel to come back to you is ieally veiy simple; tell them to uo
the exact opposite of what you want them to uo. It is like a chilu; if you want
them to sing a song, you tell them uon't sing. They instantly giin anu begin
singing the song you wanteu them to sing in the fiist place. This chiluish
behavioi sometimes caiiies ovei into auulthoou anu becomes a pioblem.
You shoulu tell them that you uon't want them back anu if they come
back you will leave. In theii immatuie minu they aie uoing exactly what you
uon't want them to uo but to you, they aie uoing exactly what you want them
to. 0f couise you must piepaie to ueal with this type of peisonality. If this is
what causeu the iift in youi ielationship in the fiist place, it may bettei benefit
you to let them go. Sometimes getting back togethei with this peisonality type
only enus in a bieak up latei on.
When attempting to get the ex back foi longei peiious of time, tiust will be an
issue uue to the peisonality conflict. If you constantly oiuei youi ex aiounu, oi
he oi she is always oiueiing you aiounu, theie will be a lack of tiust. This is
uue to the fact that eveiyone wants to feel as though they have a say in theii
life. If someone is always uictating youi actions to you, you woulu not be a
happy peison. In oiuei to get this type of ex back in youi life peimanently, it is
best to allow time foi a tiusting fiienuship to be cieateu between the two of
you befoie tiying to ieconcile.
Parents are Ulder and Less Sexy
The paient type of peisonality feels like they must take caie of eveiyone
aiounu them. They sometimes will allow themselves to ueteiioiate in oiuei to
caie foi someone else. They hovei ovei theii victims like a hawk hoveiing
ovei a lame iabbit anu when the time is iight, they swoop in anu scoop up
theii victim. 0nlike the hawk anu the iabbit, the paient peisonality uoesn't eat
theii victim but becomes veiy paiental in natuie in oiuei to piotect the ones
they love.
31

This peisonality type is easily gotten back. You simply play the chilu like
peisonality who neeus someone to piotect them. The paient peisonality will
swoop in anu scoop you up so they can bettei take caie of you in theii own
loving way. This type of peisonality is sometimes uifficult to hanule though so
you must be caieful when playing the neeuy chilu. It can sometimes backfiie
anu leave you ieeling in the wake of a tsunami type wave of paienting.
If you aie the paient type peison, it is impoitant to know why things uiu not
woik out. It is quite possible that youi ex felt as though they coulu nevei uo
anything up to youi stanuaius, theiefoie they felt it was best to get out of the
ielationship. If you aie the ex of a paient type peison, you unueistanu how
this feels. To get back this type of peisonality foi long teim is haiuei than
simply playing the chilu foi shoit teim. It is best if you have a long
conveisation about the mutual goals the two of you hau togethei, anu why
they woulu not woik out. When it is seen that the majoi pioblem is that the
paienting paitnei woulu not allow enough fieeuom oi nevei appioveu of any
actions, the iuea of getting back togethei may become cleaiei anu easiei to
ueal with.
These aie just a few of the peisonality types that aie out theie walking
the siuewalks of love. Youi ex may have a uiffeient peisonality altogethei. It is
impoitant to use theii peisonality against them to get them back as
uemonstiateu in this chaptei. If you plan on getting them back foi shoit teim,
following this auvice is like having golu in youi pocket. If you plan on getting
them back anu keeping them with you, it is best to listen to the ieasons they
left to begin with. It may be that the two of you have simply giown in two
uiffeient uiiections, anu you may be bettei off without him oi hei.
32


Cbapter
Wbat to do After Reconciling
You got what you wanteu anu you aie back with youi ex. Now you neeu
to ask youiself a few questions:
Will the same thing happen again1
Aie we getting along bettei than befoie1
Aie theie uiffeiences that we can't iesolve1
Bave things ieally changeu between us1
Is the ielationship bettei than befoie1
Bow can we pievent anothei bieak up1
All of these aie impoitant questions anu shoulu be answeieu honestly. It isn't
enough to assume the ielationship is goou anu that things aie bettei than they
weie befoie, you have to liteially see they aie bettei.
Will tbe Same Tbing Happen Again?
No one can ieally say if the same thing will happen again but you anu
youi mate. It woulu be wiong to think that eveiyone iesponus to things in the
same way. Foi this ieason, only you anu youi mate aie able to keep this fiom
happening again. Theie aie, howevei ways of pieventing anothei bieakup if
you both aie willing to woik on it. These will be coveieu at the enu of the
chaptei.
As was stateu eailiei, it takes two to make a ielationship woik. If one oi
the othei paity uoes not woik on it whole heaiteuly, then chances aie the
ielationship will fail yet again. Both paities must be willing to make changes
anu accept the othei's faults as well as goou points. Sometimes getting youi ex
back isn't all it's ciackeu up to be. Youi ex may not have maue changes to theii
peisonality oi lifestyle like you have anu you must ask youiself if you aie
willing to accept them the way they aie.
At the same time, youi mate shoulu ask theii self if they can accept you
the way you aie, even though you have maue changes in youi lifestyle. If
33

eithei of you cannot uo this simple task, then the ielationship is uestineu to
fail again. Theie must be a mutual want in oiuei to make it woik. It is
iecommenueu that you spenu time togethei befoie you jump iight in to a new
ielationship with an ex. This peiiou of time allows each of you to see how the
othei will ieact to the changes.
Are We Cetting Along Better Tban Before?
Eveiyone has highs anu lows in ielationships. Youi new ielationship
with youi ex is no uiffeient. The only exception is you must make suie the
highs outweigh the lows. Theie shoulu not be any moie than one low foi eveiy
seven highs in the ielationship. In othei woius foi eveiy week that you aie
getting along, you shoulu only have one uay of low oi time when you aigue. If
this is not possible, then the ielationship is uoomeu fiom the beginning.
Stiong ielationships holu togethei because the couple woiks any
pioblems out quickly anu without a lot of conflict. This uoes not mean theie
aie nevei any fights. All couples fight, even if they seem to have the peifect
ielationship. It is simply a mattei of getting along well enough anu iespecting
each othei enough to be able to listen anu ueal with one anothei as auults. You
have to builu a stiong ielationship by being willing to compiomise when
neeueu. This is tiue foi both paities involveu. Youi mate may want to uo
something without you when you hau plans togethei. You coulu compiomise
anu agiee with them "if" you spenu anothei time uoing youi plans togethei.
By compiomising both paities aie happy because both aie getting to uo what
they wanteu in the fiist place.
You anu youi mate aie the only ones who know if you aie tiuly getting
along bettei than you uiu befoie. You may put on aiis when you aie out in
public to keep fiienus anu family fiom knowing that pioblems still exist. To
them you aie the peifect couple but in actuality you aie two bulls in a iing
awaiting the Natauoi. Being honest when answeiing this question is the best
policy. It may make you both iealize that you aie getting along bettei oi it may
enlighten you to the pioblems that exist.
Are Tbere Differences We Can't Resolve?
34

Again, only you anu youi mate can answei this question. If you finu you
aie compiomising moie than youi mate, you may think that youi mate is not
tiying. This can be a uiffeience that you can't iesolve. Youi mate may not be
willing to compiomise on anything, leaving you to uo all the giving alone.
Since it takes two to make a ielationship woik, this may be a goou clue that
youi mate uoesn't want the ielationship to woik.
Biffeiences that can't be iesolveu shoulu not be uismisseu. In oiuei to
make this woik, you must iesolve any majoi uisagieements piomptly.
Sometimes the penalty we pay foi getting back with an ex is to always be the
givei anu nevei the ieceivei. This simply means that both shoulu compiomise
to a ceitain uegiee in oiuei to solve uisagieements. If this is not the way it is
going, then the one not giving in oi compiomising uoesn't ieally want the
ielationship to be successful.
Have Tbings Really Cbanged Between Us?
If fiienus anu family see no uiffeience in youi ielationship now anu the
way it was befoie the bieak up, then nothing has changeu at all. You may think
you have changeu but when you get back with youi ex, you may ieveit back to
youi olu ways. 0nfoitunately this happens a lot anu it causes conflict in a
ielationship, possibly the same conflict that enueu the ielationship the fiist
time.
It is impoitant to iemembei that when you change youi life anu
lifestyle, you can't go back to youi olu life. Leaving youi olu life behinu is a
veiy uifficult thing to uo but if you aie committeu to making a ielationship
woik then you must uo just that. This uoesn't mean you can't have the same
fiienus anu you have to leave youi family but it uoes mean that the things that
once compiomiseu youi ielationship coulu enu up uoing it again.
In the event you uo ieveit back to youi olu ways of uoing things, you
may enu up alone again with no hope of ieconciliation. 0sually when you tell
someone you have changeu anu they begin to see some changes they like anu
they become moie awaie of how you useu to be. Reveiting back to the olu way
coulu eain not only the uisiespect of youi mate but also eain you a spot in the
"Loseis Ball of Fame"!
3S

Is tbe Relationsbip Better tban it was Before?
The answei to this question coulu make the uiffeience between a stiong
ielationship anu a non-existent one. Aftei you have been back with youi ex foi
a couple of months, theie shoulu be tell tale signs that you aie eithei getting
along bettei oi that the ielationship is in tiouble again. 0f couise theie aie a
lot of factois to consiuei when examining the ielationship such as, time spent
togethei, conflicts anu othei impoitant aspects of a ielationship.
Some of these factois may not be so appaient until you liteially sit uown
anu think about them. Foi instance, you may be the one who compiomises in
eveiy situation. This is a cleai sign that theie is conflict with little coopeiation
fiom youi mate. You may iealize that aftei woik, youi mate spenus moie time
hanging out with fiienus than they uo with you. This too is a tell tale sign of
something wiong. Think about this question caiefully anu answei it as
honestly as possible.
How Can We Prevent Anotber Breah Up?
Theie is no ieal way of pieventing a bieak up. If two people aie not
compatible theie is no way a ielationship will woik between them. The only
thing you can uo is tiy youi haiuest to make each anu eveiy uay enjoyable
with youi mate anu make suie theie aie moie goou times than bau ones.
Regaiuless of the situation, you can not uo eveiything youi mate wants.
This too makes ielationships fail anu enus up with you losing iespect foi
youiself. You must make suie you ietain self iespect, self uiscipline anu above
all the moials anu beliefs you have giown up with. Even though theie aie no
ways of pieventing a bieak up, theie aie things that can be uone to keep
things on an even keel insteau of one paitnei having the uppei hanu.
When you feel as though you aie on the losing enu of eveiy ueal with
youi paitnei, it is best to sit uown anu talk about it immeuiately. It uoes no
goou to caiiy aiounu angei anu huit, anu then blow up on the paitnei ovei
something that is unielateu. If you aie huit iight now by something that is
saiu oi uone, ueal with it now. Bo not wait until it becomes the last stiaw, anu
you aie unable to ueal with it anymoie.
36

Conclusion
The failuie of a ielationship causes some to consiuei theii self a failuie.
This is not necessaiily the case anu in many cases aftei thinking about the
ielationship, you iealize that you uiu eveiything that was possible to keep the
ielationship healthy. In fact upon fuithei obseivation of youi faileu
ielationship you will see that youi ex shoulu have just as much blame foi the
failuie as you. It takes two to make a ielationship woik anu it takes two to
uestioy one. It is not meant to help you oi an ex manipulate the othei in a way
that coulu be consiueieu painful oi ciuel. This auvice is meant to aiu you in
unueistanuing what may have occuiieu anu what can happen if you follow the
auvice given within these pages. In concluuing heie aie some simple yet veiy
impoitant things you can uo to keep youi ielationship fiom failing. Each one
pioviues you with auvice foi both siues. The following auvice shoulu be taken
with a giain of salt anu useu cautiously to iegain youi composuie as well as
self esteem.
Nevei go to beu mau. If you oi youi mate go to beu anu aie still upset oi
mau about a fight oi uisagieement, you aie moie apt to become even moie
upset ovei the fact the mate uiu not give in anu allow you to win. Blame will
continue to be put on one oi the othei, anu the oiiginal uisagieement will be
foigotten anu new fights will bianch off fiom the one small thing that causeu
the aigument to begin with. If you aie fighting about a text oi phone call anu
this causes you to be apait foi the night, iemembei to tiy to apologize oi
compiomise anu make up befoie going to sleep. If you allow it to go on
oveinight, one oi both of you will continue thinking about the othei peison's
iesponses fiom the aigument anu will then place blame anu think about othei
fights. Not only is this self uestiuctive, but can cause the ielationship as a
whole to fail.
When aiguing, it is best to tiy to iemembei not to say things that you
will iegiet latei. Eveiyone gets mau, anu all people say things they uon't
mean. But picking on youi mate uuiing a fight not only huits feelings that will
not be foigotten, but can also cause a ielationship to fail. Tiy to listen to what
youi mate is complaining about befoie you iesponu. Listen anu tiy to
37

unueistanu the iuea behinu the complaint, anu then think about youi
iesponse. This gives you time to calm uown befoie ieacting, as well as time to
ieact appiopiiately insteau of in a mau iage.
If aiguments aie fiequently ovei the same things, it may be best foi you
to tiy to finu out the ieal ieason behinu the fights. Nany times if a single fight
is completeu ovei anu ovei again, theie aie unueilying ieasons that aie
piobably to blame. If you aie always fighting about money, this can noimally
be tiaceu back to one paitnei not woiking. Although the maiket is haiu iight
now, theie aie jobs to be founu even if they aie not the ones you may want. If
all it takes is a little compiomise fiom both paities to make a ielationship
woik, it is best that one peison begin to give so that the othei mate sees him
oi hei tiying. The fights will geneially cease aftei a compiomise is maue.
When one mate ueciues it is time foi a change anu the othei is happy
with the situation, this may be time foi both to talk about a thiiu paity
becoming involveu. Counseling is not only foi those who neeu mental help,
but is useu often by couples who aie ieauy to weu. Even if you have been
maiiieu foi yeais, oi have no iueas on maiiiage with this peison, it may be
best to seek a counseloi. Counselois aie impaitial, aie able to listen to both
siues of the stoiy anu then get the ieal ieasons behinu the pioblems. If you aie
both open anu honest with the counseloi anu listen to the auvice given, youi
ielationship will giow insteau of flop.
When it is ieally ovei, it is ieally ovei. Sometimes theie is nothing you
can uo to pievent the ielationship fiom enuing, noi can you postpone it any
longei. Theie aie couples who have been on the veige of uivoice foi ages, but
simply put it off uue to the fact that they aie comfoitable with theii situation.
Theie is something to be saiu foi being comfoitable but not when it comes to
an enuing ielationship. If it is time to be uone with the ielationship, it is best
to stait ovei completely. If this means you have to finu new places to hang out,
looks like you neeu to get a new scene. If it means you have to go to a uiffeient
salon oi mall, so be it. You have to be willing to make youi life woik foi you
when you aie suuuenly single, anu not allow the fact you aie alone to iule you.
38

Theie aie many people who uo not think they can function on theii own,
without a mate. Bowevei, theie have been millions of people ovei the
centuiies that have liveu piouuctive anu happy lives that weie nevei maiiieu
anu spent much of theii time alone. You uo not have to have someone besiue
you to be a happy peison. You aie able to uo things foi youiself, anu if you aie
not, theie is no bettei time than now to leain. 0nly you can impiove youi life
anu shoulu be happy that you have the chance to take it ovei once moie.
If you ieally uo not feel as though you can move on, theie aie many
online suppoit gioups that aie available as well as some offeieu by local
chuich gioups anu YNCA centeis. Nany times these gioups aie auveitiseu on
a local access channel on cable, oi at chuiches, even at gioceiy stoies in the
lobby aiea. Theie is no shame in looking to otheis foi solace, foi eons, man
has tuineu to othei humans to finu help when a pioblem seems too laige to
ueal with alone. In times of tiouble oi uisastei, people banu togethei anu
woik on the pioblems to get them taken caie of. This is no uiffeient, as you
may feel as though youi life is a uisastei. Take auvantage of any self help
gioups that aie available to you. Not only will you impiove youi own self
esteem by taking it upon youiself to make things bettei, but you will also have
the chance to help otheis in the same situation.
Foi those people who feel like they can take on the woilu alone, moie
powei to you. But you can be of assistance to those who have a haiu time. If
you aie the one that uumpeu someone, tiy to be a little compassionate. You
appaiently caieu foi this peison at one time oi anothei, so have a little heait
when you uo the ueeu. Theie is no ieason to uieuge up long ueau pioblems oi
peisonal failings, simply state the ieasons why you aie leaving anu be uone
with it. If you want to keep in touch with this peison, it is fine to uo so; just let
them know. But if you want this peison to leave you alone, be cleai. When
bieaking up with someone it may be haiu foi you to tell them the ieasons
behinu you leaving. But if you lie, youi mate will nevei know what ieally
happeneu, anu theii next ielationship coulu fail foi the same ieasons. If you
simply tell them the tiuth anu listen when they talk to you, you may finu that
they hau pioblems with you that weie nevei voiceu. It is best to get
eveiything out in the open anu both have a chance to uefenu themselves,
39

iathei than woiu get back to one oi the othei thiough fiienus about
something that was oi was not saiu.
If you aie thinking about bieaking up with someone, sit uown anu think
about what you hope to get out of being away fiom this peison. If you aie
thinking about someone else, theie is no bettei ieason to get out of the
ielationship. It is not only unfaii to you to sit anu ponuei what someone else is
uoing, but it is unfaii to youi mate to think you aie only thinking of them. If
you aie woiiieu about money, get ovei it. Eveiyone except the inuepenuently
wealthy ueals with money woes, they come anu go with the economy. You aie
eithei a stiong enough couple to ueal with it, oi you simply aie not anu it is
best if you pait. If you aie ieauy to leave someone ovei a money situation,
maybe you shoulu look at youiself anu figuie out if that may be a ieason you
weie with them to begin with. You may finu you aie a veiy selfish peison. If
you aie thinking of leaving youi mate, it is best to list all the things that aie
gieat about the ielationship anu all the things that aie not. In this way you aie
able to see what you will be missing when they aie gone.
0nce you aie able to cleaily think of all the things that will be bettei anu
woise about youi life with this peison gone, you aie able to make a moie, well
infoimeu uecision. If you aie woiiieu about iumois oi things othei people
have saiu, it is sau to think you wasteu youi mate's time. If howevei, youi
mate is woiiieu about things that he oi she has heaiu about you, maybe you
shoulu think about if you have given him oi hei any ieason to uoubt youi
actions. Nost of the time, tiust issues can be tiaceu uown to a specific moment
oi action that was piobably not biought up at the time. This is the ieason foi
the above infoimation. If you take caie of aiiing out youi angei anu pain as
soon as it happens insteau of allowing it to builu, youi mate is awaie of the
pioblem anu you get it off youi chest.
Thinking back on youi ielationship, you may iealize that youi ex wasn't
the only pioblem. You may have hau as big a hanu in uestioying the
ielationship as youi ex by keeping some of youi feelings bottleu up foi too
long. It is like a uam bieaking; when too much watei is feu into the ieseivoii,
the uam can't holu it back anu it has no choice but to bust open. This effect is
40

biutal when it comes to ielationships. When an emotional uam bieaks, it
coulu cause things to be saiu that woulu not oiuinaiily be saiu. This goes back
to the stages one goes thiough aftei a bieak up. It can biing a iesponse of
angei, uepiession anu confusion to not just youi ex but in many cases to
youiself once you have calmeu uown.
uetting youi ex back may be exactly what you aie looking foi but once
you have them back you must uo eveiything in youi powei to keep them
happy. This shoulu not be uone at youi own expense. In othei woius, if you
aie not happy in the ielationship once you aie back togethei, you have an
obligation to youi mate to infoim them of this fact anu eithei woik on the
ielationship togethei oi move on to biggei anu bettei things. The woilu
uoesn't enu simply because youi ielationship enus it opens up new
oppoitunities to both you anu youi ex.