The Different SonsPass474 Kunis

PASS474

TORAH-FAX 5774 PASSOVER

THE DIFFERENT SONS BY RABBI MARK KUNIS
On the first day of Pesach, I like to s eak a!out as ects of the "a##adah that can !e discussed in the e$enin# at the second Seder% &$ery year I read a ne' "a##adah co((entary 'ith the ho e of findin# so(e fresh insi#ht on the "a##adah to share 'ith you on the )o( To$, and this year I 'as not disa ointed% This year Karen *er#er #a$e (e a co y of +a!!i Dr% A!raha( T'erski,s "a##adah% )ou re(e(!er +a!!i T'erski, don,t you- T'ersky is a rofessor of sychiatry at the .ni$ersity of Du/uesne in Pitts!ur#h, and an estee(ed ra!!i and (e(!er of a distin#uished 0hassidic dynasty% "e founded and runs the 'orld fa(ous 12ate'ay +eha! 0enter3 of Pitts!ur#h% At the entrance to #rou thera y roo( there is that si#n I s oke a!out on +osh "ashana, 1*uddy, this ain,t no !us station%3
+ie(er, Torah 6a7, De$ari( 879:; 4+a!!i 5ack

In a !us station, e$eryone (ay con#re#ate in the sa(e !i# roo(, !ut they are all #oin# to different destinations% They (ay stand or sit ne7t to each other for a !rief ti(e, !ut each one is only concerned 'ith #ettin# to his<her o'n destination% They (ay nod to each other, or co( lain to each other if their !us is delayed or e$en !orro' a ne's a er fro( one another to hel the( kill the ti(e, !ut they don,t really #et $ery in$ol$ed in each other,s li$es% A !us station is a lace 'here a lot of eo le are to#ether se arately% It is a lace 'here e$eryone is #oin# on a =ourney, !ut e$en thou#h they (ay !e in the sa(e roo(, they are all concerned only 'ith reachin# their o'n ersonal destination% And so Dr% T'ersky oints to this si#n at the first (eetin# e7 lainin# that this reha! center is not a !us station% It is not a lace 'here each erson is only concerned 'ith his or her o'n reco$ery% They (ust !e interde endent% &ach

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erson,s ro#ress de ends on, and i( acts on, e$eryone else,s% And, as T'erski says, it really 'orks% Peo le in his dru# clinic soon de$elo res onsi!ility for each other,s 'elfare% I think that that si#n is the shortest, si( lest definition of 'hat a shule is all a!out that I kno'% A Shule is not a te( orary asse(!la#e of di$erse eo le, 'ho are all on different =ourneys, 'ho (ay ha en to sit ne7t to each other for a 'hile, !ut 'ho are #oin# different laces% That,s not a shule% ?e in Shaarei Sha(ayi( kno' !etter than anyone that a shule is an asse(!ly of eo le 'ho are on the sa(e s iritual =ourney, 'ho are ulti(ately #oin# to the sa(e lace% I !elie$e that our #ro'th@indi$idually and collecti$ely can ut us on the ri#ht ath% I lo$ed +a!!i T'erski,s insi#hts on the "a##adah as 'ell% The one I 'ant to share 'ith you today co(es fro( his discussion of the four /uestions, and I 'ant to s eak of it in connection 'ith the four sons% There are (any e7 lanations of the four sons% The si( le e7 lanation is that each re resents a child of a different a#e% The 'ise son (ay !e the (ost (ature youn# adultA the 'icked the re!ellin# teena#erA the si( le son the one =ust !e#innin# his studiesA and the one 'ho does not ha$e to ask, is too youn# to ask% Perha s the (ost inno$ati$e e7 lanation the four sons I,$e read co(es fro( +a!!i Shlo(o +iskin,s "a##adah% "e cites the teachin#s of the late Bu!a$icher +e!!e, +a!!i 5ose h Isaac Schneersohn 'ho died in 1C8:% +a!!i Schneerson co( ares the( to four different #enerations of the A(erican e7 erience% The ?ise 0hild re resents the &uro ean roots, the #eneration of the #rand arents 'ho ca(e to A(erica stee ed in iety, 'ith a lo$e of learnin# and a rofound kno'led#e of 5e'ish tradition% Their children, raised in the A(erican 1(eltin# ot3 re=ected their a real sense of

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arents, tradition, thinkin# of the( as 1old fashioned%3 They 'ere successful in !usiness and cynical in outlook% The third #eneration, the Si( le 0hild, !eca(e confused% They 'atched their #randfather (ake Kiddush on 6riday ni#ht 'ith father standin# !y silently, erha s i( atient or e$en resentful% As the (e(ory of #randfather faded, the confused Si( le 0hild can only ask, 1?hat is this,3 cau#ht u in the conflict !et'een his #randfather and father% The forth #eneration child is the #reatest tra#edy of all% "is father 'as so confused that he has little or no contact at all 'ith 5e'ish tradition% "is #randfather is totally assi(ilated and his father confused% "e doesn,t e$en kno' 'hat to ask% This is the #eneration of the child 'ho thou#ht it 'as so(eone,s !irthday 'hen she sa' her #reatE#rand(other li#htin# Sha!!os or )o( To$ candles% +a!!i +iskin adds a fifth #eneration child@so far re(o$ed fro( 5udais( that it does not e$en kno' it is Passo$er% 1Fo (atter 'hat 'e say a!out the 'icked child,3 +iskin 'rites, 1at least he is at the Seder%3 +a!!i For(an Ba((, 0hancellor of )eshi$a .ni$ersity, sees the four sons as reflections of the ersonalities of four different fathers% Indeed, these four different ersonalities (i#ht !e seen at the Seder ta!le of any fa(ily% If this is so, does this (ake for a har(onious fa(ily and a =oyous Seder- Or does co(!inin# all these dis arate ersonalities at the sa(e ta!le a(ount to a for(ula for conflict- And if this is so, ho' then are 'e su osed to fulfill the co((and(ent, G,sa(acht !,cha#echa, 1Thou shalt !e =oyous on your festi$als-3 +a!!i T'erski su##ests that this is a #ro'th challen#e for us@the a!ility to li$e 'ith and find =oy e$en in conflict% T'erski 'ritesH 1The e( hasis of (odern

The Different SonsPass474 Kunis

sycholo#y on the resolution of contention has resulted in eo le esche'in# all conflict% Bi$in# 'ith on#oin# stress has !eco(e unthinka!le, and (any indi$iduals 'ho find the(sel$es entan#led in stru##les that are not readily resol$a!le (ay atte( t to esca e !y rather des erate (ethods, not the least of 'hich is seekin# the o!li$ion or eu horia of alcohol, (indEalterin# su!stances, or di$ersionary acti$ities%3 The loss of tolerance for conflict, T'erski su##ests, has had a rofound i( act on our relationshi s% Today,s hi#h di$orce rate, he says, is due, to a #reat (easure, to the ina!ility to 'ithstand conflict, and to seek i((ediate relief fro( all frustratin# situations% The four Iuestions and the four sons oint out that the Seder is characteriJed !y the coEe7istence of conflictin# ideas and ersonalities% ?e eat (atJah, the !read of affliction 'hile 'e drink the 'ine reclinin#, accordin# to the custo( of the free and 'ealthy no!ility% The four sons ha$e conflictin# ersonalities% The ans'er is that 'e do not need to reconcile all conflicts% 6a(ily conflict is not only ine$ita!leA it is necessary to our sycholo#ical and s iritual #ro'th% The conce t of freedo(, as es oused in the Torah, is /uite distinct fro( the secular conce t% Accordin# to the secular 'orld, the ulti(ate ai( of freedo( is the a!sence of all discord@!ut it,s a fantasy not reality% +eal freedo(, the "a##adah thus teaches, includes the ca acity to li$e 'ith stress, and to !e a!le to achie$e so(e serenity and find the =oy in life and in each other e$en in the face of conflict% .nlike, +iskin,s fifth child, 'e are all there at the Seder% Kay 2d #i$e us the 'isdo( to understand that in the shule and in our fa(ilies, 1*uddy, this ain,t no !us stationL3 a lies to us all% And (ay "e hel us see the lo$e in each other@ e$en as each of us !rin#s our o'n li#ht to !ear% A(enL