Our Little Pony

Written By ZAAAHHH

TV NEWS PROMO: SLOW KEN BURNS ZOOM OUT FROM A GRAYSCALE IMAGE OF A YOUNG BOY. A MELODRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL VAMP FADES INTO THE AUDIO BACKGROUND AS A BOOMING VOICEOVER BEGINS. V.O. Grayson Bruce may seem like your ordinary 9 year old boy...

Image wipe-fades and is replaced by a different grayscale image of the same boy, but with colorful temporary tattoos on his face that depict characters from My Little Pony. V.O. But he has a dirty secret that could threaten your family. Full color image of adult bronies in full cosplay explodes through previous image. Bold text spins in, "YOUTH BRONYISM: THE DOWNFALL OF AMERICA?" V.O. Young Bronies and the wussification of America, tonight on Box News. INT. NEWS STUDIO. WIDE SHOT OF SEVERAL MEN IN SUITS WATCHING THIS PROMO PLAY ACROSS A WALL OF LARGE SCREENS. CARL AND DICK, BOTH IN THEIR MID-40S WITH THE PHYSIQUES OF EX-HIGHSCHOOL LINEMEN/CAR SALESMEN,CHUCKLE WITH PRIDE AND SHOOT EACHOTHER APPROVING GLANCES. JOE, A RED FACED 30-SOMETHING, CLENCHES HIS FISTS WITH GROWING RAGE AS IF MY LITTLE PONY HAD RECENTLY TAKEN A SHIT IN AN AMERICAN FLAG AND LEFT IN ON RONALD REAGAN'S GRAVE. SETH, THE YOUNGEST OF THE BUNCH,LOOKS ON IN DISBELIEF SETH (Appalled and appealing to the group) Guys. Guys. Seriously, we cannot base our entire evening block of programming around this one kid's girly backpack! DICK It's too late Seth. This is the story the higher-ups want tonight, and plus we've already pulled in experts on ponies and backpacks to argue with each other over which camp is more offended by this egregious misappropriation of youth (MORE)

2 DICK (CONT'D) culture. SETH Do you hear what you're saying right now? Do you really hear it? There's a fucking entire plane missing, probably over a hundred people polishing off the weakest passengers somewhere in the Indian Ocean, and all you want to talk about is what this 3rd grader wore to school last week?? CARL Yes. That's exactly what we want to talk about. And if you think that some metal tube full of foreigners is more important than the threats to manlihood right in your own back yard, well then maybe you need to find a new network to work for. SETH (Recognizing the power cards being played) Well...well if we are going to try and shape the conversation around the disturbing behavior of today's young people, shouldn't we at least focus on the bullying issue? I mean isn't the real threat to manliness the fact that some children feel the need to assert their dominance in an abusive way? Or the impulse to strike out with rage at things they don't understand? JOE (Boiling over with anger, sounding more and more exasperated with each thought) ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??! This little homo is wearing a girly pink pony backpack to school! And that's not all! This plays perfectly into the president's plan to ruin America. Do you not see the Left's fingerprints all over this? First they take out prayer in homeroom, now they're making children practically cross dress in public (MORE)

3 JOE (CONT'D) just to make a point about so called "tolerance?" I'll tell you what I don't tolerate! Child soldiers, fighting on the front lines of the leftist agenda! Joe is nearly out of breath from yelling. Flecks of rage-spittle in the corners of his mouth, he looks as though he may pass out. SETH (Suddenly, as though brainwashed) You are totally right Joe. This behavior represents the greatest threat to our society. The very fabric of American life is being unraveled by these quinoa-munching hobo-lovers. I am going to prepare my opening monologue to make sure there are no remnants of my previously weak opinions. Seth turns and walks away, leaving the rest of the group in a mix of satisfaction and shock (except for Joe, who is still heaving with anger and staring out into space). As he exits, we can see what seems like a blinking green triangular light on the back of his neck. The camera closes in on the light, revealing an intricate crystalline pattern pulsing with radiation. As the camera pulls away we are looking at the same pulsating pattern carved into a large stone wall in a foggy cavern. In front of it two hooded figures are watching the preceding events play out in a crystal ball. HOODED FIGURE 1 It is all happening as you planned master. HOODED FIGURE 2 Yes master, just as you planned. The camera pans to a large, dark silhouette atop an ornate throne made of luminescent triangular crystals. A closer look reveals a blackened horse-face, covered in scars. The Dark Pony Lord removes his hood, freeing a spastic mane of bleach blonde fray. DARK PONY LORD Excellent.

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