Page 2 of 62

"#$%& '( )'*+&*+,

An Intiouuction To 0ina anu Natthew Walteis........................................................................................ S
What Is A Soul Nate. .............................................................................................................................................. 4
The Nost Impoitant Ingieuient: Be Is Not You........................................................................................... S
0ina Anu Natthew's Stoiy Will uive You Bope .......................................................................................... 7
The Funhouse Niiioi........................................................................................................................................... 11
When You Bislike Bis Behavioi....................................................................................................................... 1S
The Right Nan Beals You Anu You Beal Bim............................................................................................ 16
Bow To Stop Aiguing Anu................................................................................................................................. 21
uet Love Flowing................................................................................................................................................... 21
Woiksheet ................................................................................................................................................................ 28
Steps To Emotional Authenticity.................................................................................................................... 28
Bealing Anu Noving 0n Fiom Beaitbieak................................................................................................. Su
Bau Boys Anu uoou uuys................................................................................................................................... SS
Run Fiom Intensity - It's Youi Clue That Something Is Wiong........................................................ 4u
Cuiiosity Nakes A Real Connection............................................................................................................... 42
Naiiying Youiself ................................................................................................................................................. 44
Is Theie 0nly 0ne Soulmate ............................................................................................................................. 48
Foi You...................................................................................................................................................................... 48
Becoming Soulmates Fiom Wheie You Aie Now.................................................................................... S1
Neeting Youi Soulmate....................................................................................................................................... SS
You Can't Say The Wiong Thing To The Right Nan................................................................................ S8
About 0ina Anu Natthew.................................................................................................................................. 61
Page S of 62
-* .*+/'012+3'* "'
4/*# #*0 5#++6&7 8#%+&/,
e at LoveRomanceRelationship.com iecently hau the gieat foitune to
inteiview the "powei couple" of ielationship
expeits - 0ina anu Natthew Walteis. The
inteiview was so spectaculai, so incieuibly amazing anu
ueeply helpful, we ueciueu to offei it to you as both a book
anu as an inteiview.
The book has been expanueu upon, auueu to anu oiganizeu
a bit uiffeiently fiom the inteiview - anu so we encouiage
you to both ieau the book anu listen to the inteiview. We
consiueieu this to be a life-changing self-help book, anu look
foiwaiu to heaiing fiom you how it's woiking foi you.
0ina anu Natthew woik with women all ovei the woilu,
using what they call the "Tools of Tiansfoimation," anu they will shaie them with
you heie, to help you quickly bieak the olu patteins that aie keeping you fiom
ieceiving the one thing that we'ie all looking foi, which is of couise love.
Sinceiely,
LoveRomanceRelationship
W
Page 4 of 62
86#+ ., - 9'1% 5#+&:
Natthew: So, the way we look at soul mates is not
necessaiily theie is one soul out theie
foi you in this vast sea of the billions of
people on the planet anu you'ie in some
way going to stumble upon them.
The way we always think of anu talk
about a soul mate paitneiship is this
iuea of two people who aie on a path of
giowth.
Spiiitual giowth, peisonal giowth,
whatevei that is foi each of them. Anu
they come togethei in ielationship to
suppoit each othei in the continuation
of that giowth.
This iuea that we'ie heie on Eaith school anu that we'ie meant to
leain something anu that one of the things we'ie meant to leain is how
to be in ielationship anu what being in ielationship can teach us moie
about ouiselves.
Page S of 62
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0ina: Well, the ieally most impoitant
ingieuient to any successful
ielationship - we coulu talk
about intimate ielationship, but
ieally in any ielationship, whethei that's bosscowoikei,
husbanuwife, motheichilu, whatevei it might be is - it's going to
sounu ieally simple anu we'ie happy to elaboiate on it, but ieally that
one key ingieuient is to iemembei that !"# %!"#& '#&(%) *( )%! +%,-
Natthew: Anu what we mean by that, that the othei peison is not you, is that the
othei peison has theii own set of expeiiences, theii own set of beliefs,
theii own inteinal expeiience of the woilu anu theii own opinions anu
eveiything else.
0ftentimes, when we get in ielationship, we expect that othei peison
to think the way we think anu to feel the way we feel. Then we make
assumptions about that othei peison - that they'ie thinking anu
feeling exactly what .#/&# thinking anu feeling.
0ina: Anu that assumption can ieally be a big pioblem anu cieate a lot of
issues once you'ie in a ielationship. When you take this iuea that the
othei peison is not you - anu you ieally look at it fiom an objective
peispective - you can think of it all as if it's an "eyewitness account. "
Theie's a bank iobbeiy anu the police go anu inteiview 2u people who
say the event happen anu they may get 2u veiy uiffeient stoiies. That's
because oui own inuiviuual filtei is set when we'ie veiy young. We'ie
filteiing foi ceitain infoimation, anu that's the way we move thiough
the woilu.
It's possible to shift that innei filtei, but to uo it takes woik, effoit anu
conscious intention.
So, when we'ie in ielationship, you go to beu next to the same peison
eveiy night. You wake up next to them eveiy moining anu we stait to
Page 6 of 62
take on this iuea that that peison is moving thiough the woilu the way
we aie. Anu actually - we'ie not.
We'ie moving thiough the woilu veiy uiffeiently. Remembeiing that the
othei peison is not you, anu cultivating being cuiious about wheie youi
paitnei is - that's ieally a gieat ingieuient to having a successful anu happy
ielationship.
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6'$# ,. + 2,55#1#." )+3< @'1 #A+786#( 73 #AB),5# .##2#2 /,5"- +.2
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+""#.",'. "' *') "*#3 .##2 "' 1#?#,$# +.2 /,$# 6'$#<
Natthew: Anu that pattein about how we ieceive anu give love is something
that's ueteimineu veiy eaily on. It's ueteimineu fiom oui family of
oiigin anu whoevei iaiseu us - oui paients, oi if we weie in some
othei enviionment with gianupaients oi fostei paients, oi family oi
stiangeis.
We leain how to ieceive love fiom those people anu we ieenact those
same veisions of eithei getting love oi not getting love in the same
way when we get into intimate ielationships as auults.
DE#66( "*+"0-
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Page 7 of 62

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0ina: Foi me, I hau a ieally iough go at it. Anu ceitainly eveiybouy has theii
stoiy - anu theie aie ceitainly stoiies that aie woise than mine.
I1.+0- !"'13
D&++3*= -7#C F/'; G/#;# -*0 -$1,&
0ina: I know mine is pietty uiamatic, anu I
know of some even moie uiamatic. I
giew up in a home with a lot of abuse,
physical abuse, emotional abuse anu
sexual abuse
I founu myself in my 2u's in a
ielationship with a guy who I thought
was going to be the guy. I felt like I'u
moveu a lot of obstacles out of the way to even get into that
ielationship, anu on New Yeai's Eve of 1994, that boyfiienu actually
beat me up.
It was ieally the wakeup call of a lifetime. I was just so ciusheu anu
leaving that ielationship. I left. I nevei hau anothei conveisation with
him again anu in that piocess I felt just incieuibly uamageu. I've
always been smait. I'm well euucateu.
I giauuateu fiom 0CLA with honois anu I was moving well in my
business woilu anu moving foiwaiu anu cieating ieally gieat things
anu it just baffleu me that how was it possible foi me to enu up in a
ielationship with somebouy who woulu haim me when that was the
last thing that I uesiieu.
So, it was at that point that I iealizeu that was is familiai to us is the
stiongest foice when we talk about intimate ielationship. So, what was
Page 8 of 62
familiai to me was that abuse cycle anu so, I then attiacteu that abuse
cycle.
So, I staiteu in iegulai theiapy. I hau some ieally gieat luck enuing up
with some ieally gieat theiapists anu got a lot of help, but at that point
I ieally was like I wanteu somebouy else to pick a mate foi me, like an
aiiangeu maiiiage sounueu like a goou iuea.
I was like, "0h, my pickei is bioken. I uon't know how to pick
somebouy," anu I felt ieally uamageu anu ieally bioken.
9&&H3*= "6& I*#E#3%#$%& 5#*
I staiteu ieauing a lot of books anu going to a lot of woikshops anu
staying in theiapy anu uoing gioup theiapy anu inuiviuual theiapy,
anu I iemembei I got to a ceitain point wheie I ieally iuentifieu what
my pattein was in ielationship veiy
specifically.
0ne of the things that showeu up
again anu again was a man who was
unavailable.
Eithei liteially unavailable, like in a
ielationship with someone else - oi a
man who was emotionally
unavailable oi an auuict.
8#+&/ 9&&H, .+, 47* J&E&% K 5/L M3=6+ ., J3H& A'1 .* .;<'/+#*+ 8#C,
So, when I iealizeu that, I iemembei going into theiapy that specific
uay anu saying, "I'm ieally bioken. I'm attiacteu to men who aie
unavailable. Bow am I evei supposeu to enu up in a ielationship." Anu
I iemembei my theiapist.
She smileu at me anu it was so sweet. I can iemembei seeing hei smile
anu hei woius exactly. She saiu, 01"2 1&)32 4%%5 3! +%,- 6%,/&# 7%*)8 344
%9 !"*( .%&5 %) +%,&(#49 &*8"! )%.- :%)/! +%, 5)%. !"#&#/( 3 ;3) %,!
!"#&# 7%*)8 .%&5 %) "*;(#492 (% !"3! "#/( 3<3*43=4# !% =# .*!" +%,->
She uesciibeu this iuea of how "watei seeks its own level" in
ielationship.
Bow we value ouiselves is ieally how we ieceive anything, whethei
that's love oi wealth oi health, anu what I iealizeu is that in this
piocess I was liteially iaising the level at which I valueu me - anu so, I
DC3 8,?G#1 ,-
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Page 9 of 62
was iaising that watei level, so to speak. Anu, low anu beholu, when I
came togethei with Natthew, that's when I iealizeu: Wow.
Beie was this guy uoing woik to get to me as well.
We met at the top of that mountain, so to speak, to have this ieally tiue
soul paitneiship.
I'll let Natthew tell his stoiy.
C+""*#)0- !"'13
9&%(NM&O&2+3'*
Natthew: Suie. So, pait of it, just to shaie what 0ina saiu about being attiacteu
to unavailable men is - I've been sobei foi eight yeais now anu useu to
be that guy.
I useu to be that guy who 1j was attiacteu to unavailable women, anu
also 2j was )%! attiacteu to women who weie inteiesteu in me.
It was always this game of me saying, 0?4&*8"!- @/44 8#! *)!% 3
&#43!*%)("*' .*!" +%,2 =,! *!/( )%! 8%*)8 !% .%&5 %,!-> I'u say that fiom
the stait - anu then the woman woulu always look at me like, 0@/44 '&%<#
*! 7*99#&#)!4+->
It became soit of a self fulfilling piophecy. I'u
finu a way to enu that ielationship. When I
ieally, finally began to look at my own stoiy, my
own iole in this (anu pait of it was staiting to
tuin SS anu iealizing that my life ieally wasn't
what I expecteu it to be), it became impoitant to
me to be happy in my life.
A lot of it was looking at what I was uoing to
cieate unhappiness.
The big piece of this ielationship puzzle was
how I was being in ielationship. What I finally
got was the unueistanuing that the iole I was
playing was one of self iejection.
The way it lookeu was: I'u seek out women who woulu ieject me, anu
then I woulu ieject women who woulu be inteiesteu in me. But ieally -
it was all about me iejecting myself.

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Page 1u of 62
9&%(N-22&<+#*2&
So, foi me that jouiney became one of self acceptance.
Pait of it was the spiiitual jouiney of stuuying meuitation anu yoga,
anu anothei pait of it was getting into my own foim of theiapy. I founu
a hypnotheiapist anu I likeu the fact that she saiu 0A#/&# 8%*)8 !% ;%<#
<#&+ B,*C54+ !"&%,8" (!,99->
So, I enueu up puisuing hypnotheiapy as a caieei as well, because I
founu that those tools weie so effective in helping me let go of so much
of my past stoiy. I also uiu a lot of othei woik.
I uiu a lot of visualization. I uiu a lot of jouinaling, wiiting lists, all of
that kinu of stuff. But it ieally was the piocess of "looking at" the
inteinal woik that neeueu to be uone, what I neeueu to "ielease," that
maue the uiffeience. Anu foi me, it happeneu in the last ielationship
befoie I met my wife.
I was uating this ieally wonueiful woman who physically is a similai
type to my wife. She was a yoga teachei. She was a meuitatoi. She liveu
a veiy gieen lifestyle iiuing hei bike eveiywheie anu I thought, 0A%.-
D"*( *( '#&9#C! 9%& ;# #E!#&)344+2> but she hau this thing of saying, 0A%.-
6%,/&# 3 &#344+ 8&#3! 8,+2 =,!---->
Anu theie was always a 0=,!----> Theie was always something that she
uiun't like about me anu me being the peison I was, I was always going
anu finuing my coaches oi going anu finuing my mentois anu saying,
0D"#&#/( !"*( !"*)8 @ .3)! !% 9*E- D"*( !"*)8 @ .3)! !% C"3)8#->
We uiu this uance foi about thiee months befoie I finally woke up one
uay anu went2 06%, 5)%. ."3!F D"#&# &#344+ *()/! 3)+!"*)8 .&%)8 .*!"
;#- @/; G,(! )%! !"# &*8"! 8,+ 9%& "#& 3)7 ("#/( )%! !"# &*8"! '#&(%) 9%&
;#2 (% @ )##7 !% (!%' '43+*)8 !"*( 83;#->
Dhat's when I steppeu asiue anu ieally lookeu at "W"3!/( !"*( 9*)34
'*#C# %9 (#49 3CC#'!3)C# @ )##7 *) %&7#& !% 8#! %,! %9 !"*( C+C4#2" anu -
liteially - it was within two weeks that I met 0ina. I staiteu ieally
focusing on shifting that last little bit insiue of me, anu theie she was.
I always say that eaily on in oui ielationship she saiu to me, 06%,/&#
'#&9#C! 9%& ;# #E3C!4+ 3( +%, 3&#- @ 7%)/! )##7 +%, !% C"3)8#2> anu theie
was such a ielease anu a ielief anu a ielaxation on my bouy anu my
soul. I was like2 01" +#3"- D"3!/( ."3! @/<# =##) C&#3!*)8 *)(*7# %9 ;#
3)7 )%. @ 8#! *! &#94#C!#7 =3C5 !% ;#->
Page 11 of 62
"6& F1*6'1,& 53//'/
!"#$#% !'( 3'401# -+3,./ "*# 1#6+",'.-*,8 )#
*+$# ),"* '41-#6$#- ,- 1#+663 "*# G#3 "'
5##6,./ 6'$# +.2 5,.2,./ 3'41 -'46 7+"#<
K+. )# #A8+.2 '. "*+" -'7# 7'1#9
0ina: Absolutely. 0ui intimate ielationship is
something that is ieally a ieflection of
what's going on insiue of us. So, if we
have a gieat iappoit with ouiselves, if we
ieally love anu appiove anu accept all of
the paits of us anu we know theie's lots
of paits to us.
We'ie complex as human beings. Theie's goou, theie's bau anu theie
may even be ugly paits - but if we ieally accept all of us, if we ieally
love all of the paits of us, that's when we can meet someone else anu
expeiience that unconuitional love we'ie looking foi.
If we can expeiience that pait of us that ieally loves all of us - exactly
as we aie, even with oui impeifections - then we open the uooi foi
someone else to love all of us, even with oui impeifections.
We like to say we'ie peifectly impeifect.
That's when someone shows up anu ieflects the love that's .*!"*) ,(,
back to us.
So, it's like a miiioi. But it's not a miiioi like in youi bathioom that's
a uiiect ieflection. We like to say it's moie like a funhouse miiioi.
When you look in the eyes of youi beloveu, you'ie seeing ieflecteu
back to you the love that's insiue of you, but it's uistoiteu. It's like a
funhouse miiioi.
You stanu theie at the funhouse anu you've got this big long heau anu
these tiny little feet oi whatevei that image might look like uistoiteu in
that funhouse miiioi. That's ieally what enus up happening.
So, theie's a uistoition.
But still - what exists as the "coie piece" is that level at which you'ie
valuing anu loving youiself.
Page 12 of 62
6%,& H#43!*%)("*' A*!" 61I @( A"3! :#!#&;*)#( 6%,& H#43!*%)("*' A*!"
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Natthew: So, foi a specific
example: If I have a
quality in me which is
veiy juugmental. Say I'm
juugmental of my own
behavioi.
I'm juugmental of
people aiounu me. Then
when I see my paitnei
being juugmental, it's going to ieally bothei me because it's a pait of
me that I uon't like. It's a pait of me that I'm uncomfoitable.
So, when I see somebouy else, especially somebouy who I'm in an
intimate ielationship with, being juugmental, it's ieally going to get at
me.
I'm going to see that quality in hei anu I'm going to go, "0h man. I
ieally want to change that in hei!"
Anu what we ieally neeu to see is what that ieally means: It means I
ieally want to change that in ;#!
Because if I'm okay with who I am, anu I'm able to ueal with my own
juugment anu see it foi what it is anu ielease it anu let it go, then if
somebouy else is being juugmental - I can have that same compassion
foi them I have foi myself.
Those things that tiiggei us, those behaviois in oui paitnei that just
ieally get unuei oui skin, aie ieally that funhouse miiioi of youi own
stuff being ieflecteu back to you.
Because that peison is just being who they aie.
They'ie not uoing oi saying things that aie intentionally meant to bug
you (unless they aie - anu that's a uiffeient stoiy we'll ueal with latei)
- they'ie just being who they aie.
The fact that you like some of what he uoes anu says anu uon't like
some of it - that's moie a ieflection of who +%, aie than it is a
ieflection of him.
Page 1S of 62
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0ina: Exactly. 0ne of the things we
like to talk about is "iesponsibility." Foi you to be "iesponsible" in the
best way foi you anu youi ielationship.
So you neeu a ieally gieat way of looking at what actually IS youi
iesponsibility to take caie of, anu what ISN'T youi iesponsibility to
take caie of.
This is something that can be veiy confusing foi all of us. So heie's a
way to easily uiviue "iesponsibility":
1. If someone has a pioblem with you, it's theii pioblem. It's not
something you have to woiiy about. But...
2. If you have a pioblem with someone, now it's youi pioblem. Now is
ieally the time to look within anu say, 0A#442 ."+ 7%#( !"3! =%!"#& ;#F
A"3!/( 8%*)8 %) *)(*7# %9 ;# !"3!/( ;35*)8 ;# "3<# 3 '&%=4#; .*!" !"*(
'#&(%)F>
It will lanu in one of those two places. Yes, it coulu be that you have
that exact behavioi anu so, you'ie seeing youiself in that peison.
That's the Funhouse Niiioi we talkeu about eailiei.
You'ie seeing that pait of you that you uon't like, oi it's tiiggeiing
something fiom the past.
So, it's possible that someone's behavioi coulu be tiiggeiing something
anu you'ie expeiiencing it like it happeneu with youi mothei oi youi
fathei oi youi best fiienu oi youi fiist boyfiienu oi whatevei that
might be.
It coulu be tiiggeiing something fiom the past oi it coulu be youi
behavioi, youi own. But you want to uo is look within anu ask, 0A"+ *(
!"*( =%!"#&*)8 ;#F A"+ *( *! =%!"#&*)8 ;# !"3! !"*( '#&(%) *( =#"3<*)8
Page 14 of 62
!"*( '3&!*C,43& .3+ %& &#('%)7*)8 !% ;# *) !"*( .3+F A"3!/( 8%*)8 %)
*)(*7# %9 ;#F>
Natthew: It shows up moie specifically when somebouy says, 0A%.- 6%,/&#
!345*)8 !% ;# G,(! 4*5# ;+ ;%!"#&- 6%,/&# !345*)8 !% ;# G,(! 4*5# ;+
93!"#&-> Well, that peison is not youi mothei. Be - oi even she - is not
youi fathei. They'ie just uoing what they'ie uoing.

Because that's the kinu of peison you leaineu iepiesenteu love when
you weie a chilu. That's the kinu of peison you ieceiveu love - oi what
iepiesenteu love - fiom.
So, it's about, once again, looking at wheie things ieally come fiom.
We tenu to want to put what's happening insiue us - outsiue of
ouiselves. We instinctively want to put it on the othei peison.
What we'ie saying is: Stop putting it on the othei peison. Stait looking
at youiself. Stait looking at that "stoiy."
0ina: Anu that's ieally what we'ie saying when we talk about a tiue soul
paitnei. A soul mate.
A soul mate is somebouy that you want to woik .*!" you aiounu youi
own stuff.
Natthew anu I - in oui paitneiship, in oui tiue soul paitneiship - oui
peisonal giowth anu the giowth of oui ielationship is all tieu togethei.
It's all about giowing to be a bettei peison. Foi me to be the best 0ina.
Foi Natthew to be the best Natthew. Woiking togethei foi that. Anu
that's what we'ie call a tiue soul paitneiship.
=*# 1#+-'. + 7+. ,- "*#1#( +.2 "*+" *# *+-
+. D#.#1/3H "*+"0- 6,G# 3'41 7'"*#1 '1 3'41
5+"*#1( '1 +. +"","42# '1 F#6,#5 '1 -8#?,5,?
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*+2 ),"* 3'41 7'"*#1 '1 3'41 5+"*#1( '1 "*+"
N4-" D/#"-H "' 3'4 B ,- F#?+4-# 3'401# +""1+?"#2
"' "*+" '. + -4F?'.-?,'4- 6#$#6 <
Page 1S of 62
When you come togethei foi youi inuiviuual giowth - anu we know
this path might not be foi eveiybouy - foi som eone who ieally wants
to feel love on a ueep soul level, this is the way to get theie.
This woik is about looking insiue of you - anu that's the path that we
both took.
It took me a long time. It took me fiom New Yeai's Eve 1994 of having
that iealization anu spenuing all of that time on myself to enu up in a
ielationship in 2uu7.
That was a long jouiney foi me. What we want to tell women is that
we've stumbleu anu maue all of these mistakes - anu so it's possible
foi you to get theie on a fast tiack because you uon't have to be
stumbling aiounu in aienas that uon't woik.
This woik is ieally specific about what's going on with you exactly.
What's going on with you specifically.
Whatevei it is that's blocking you fiom ieceiving a soul connection
with a gieat man who loves you, iight now, it's insiue of you.
The love that we uesiie is not outsiue of us. Cultivate it insiue of you
fiist, anu that's when it can be ieflecteu back to you thiough the eyes
of anothei.

Page 16 of 62
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K%2 @/; C,&*%,(- A#/&# !345*)8 3 4%! 3=%,! .%&5*)8 %) +%,&(#492 .%&5*)8
%) +%,& C%&# <34,#( 3)7 !"# !"*)8( !"3! +%,/&# 4%%5*)8 3!2 =,! %=<*%,(4+
+%, )##7 !% C%;;,)*C3!# .*!" 3 '3&!)#&- ?( .# .#&# (3+*)8 #3&4*#&2 +%,
C3)/! (3+ !"# .&%)8 !"*)8 !% !"# &*8"! ;3)-
@9 +%,/&# =+ +%,&(#492 *!/( %=<*%,(4+ <#&+ #3(+ !% 9%C,( %) .%&5*)8 G,(! %)
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"%. 7% +%, 7% !"3! .*!" +%,& '3&!)#&F
Natthew: Well, the key is in how you communicate.
@,/*",./ J.2 K'774.,?+",./
The issue of "fighting" always comes up when we'ie woiking with
people, anu so we'ie always askeu: 0:% +%, 8,+( #<#& 9*8"!F>
Anu we say to them, 06#3"2 .# 7%->
Anu then the next question is: 0A"3! 7%#( !"3! 4%%5 4*5#F>
We say, 0A#442 *! 4%%5( 4*5# 3 9*8"! =#C3,(# .#/&# '#%'4# 4*5# #<#&+=%7+
#4(#2> but heie's what the uiffeience is:
Bow uoes it enu up.
Wheie uoes it go.
That's all in "communication" - anu it's all in B0W you communicate.
Page 17 of 62
We talk a lot about this iuea of #;%!*%)34 3,!"#)!*C*!+ anu how to
communicate authentically about what's ieally going on insiue of you -
as opposeu to what youi ego is attacheu to about the situation.
We tenu to get caught up in that ego thing about wanting to be iight.
0i about wanting oui way to be the way that solves things.
Anu what we finu is - the tiuth is - that when we get into that place of
emotional authenticity, anu we'ie both able to communicate oui tiuth
on that level, 38&##;#)! *( )%! &#B,*&#7M
So, anothei way of saying that is:
>.",7+?3 M'#- O'" P#Q4,1# J/1##7#."
0ina: So, if I'm authentic anu I'm speaking how I feel authentically - anu
Natthew also meets me at that high vibiation of authenticity anu he
now speaks how he feels authentically, we uon't have to agiee.
But that's wheie tiue intimacy occuis.
That's ieally the magic of being in a soul paitneiship, because
suuuenly you have ieal communication. That's what ieal intimacy is.
A"3! "3''#)( *) ;%(! &#43!*%)("*'( *( !"#&#/( 3 '&%=4#; 3)7 .#
*;;#7*3!#4+ 8% *)!% =43;# %& ("3;#- D"#&#/( 344 !"*( 9*)8#&
'%*)!*)8 3)7 344 !"*( 0+%,2 +%,2 +%,--->
When we have a fight, which I think at this point ieally uoes look
uiffeiently than the way most people's "fights" might - sometimes we
have those "staying up until two in the
moining fights" anu all of that - we
expeiience the same things that eveiy
othei ielationship goes thiough.
If theie's any ielationship expeit out
theie that's telling you they uon't fight
with theii paitnei, they'ie lying.
We want to be authentic anu say, "Yeah, of couise we fight." But what
happens in that fight is we both look within. We both say, "Wait a
minute. What's going on." anu we communicate veiy authentically
about what's happening with us in the moment.
I'll communicate what's going on with me. Natthew will communicate
what's going on with him.
E# F'"* -+3(
DE+," + 7,.4"#<
E*+"0- /',./
'.9H


Page 18 of 62
Anu we always enu up in this place of this incieuible, magical intimacy.
Wheie it feels to both of us that we unueistanu one anothei - on such a
ueepei level than the one we staiteu on.
It feels tiuly like the "magic of a love on such a ueep soul level" that we
all uieam about.
It's what we all ieally want, but we can't get theie thiough blame anu
shame anu fingei pointing. We have to take iesponsibility foi what's
going on with ouiselves.
If I'm upset anu I'm tiiggeieu by something, then that's about what's
going on with ;#. It's not about whatevei Natthew is uoing.
In ielationship, we stait to feel like we'ie iesponsible foi the othei
peison's happiness somehow. N,!---
O' I.# >- P#-8'.-,F6# @'1 !'7#'.# R6-#0- L+88,.#--
The only peison's happiness we have any contiol ovei is 00RS. The
only peison's behavioi we have contiol ovei is 00RS. We can only
contiol the way .# iesponu anu the way .# ieact in the woilu. We
nevei have contiol ovei someone else.
@ C3) .35# ,' *) !"# ;%&)*)8 3)7 =# *) 3 8&#3! ;%%72 3)7
J3!!"#. %) !"3! (3;# 73+ C3) =# *) 3 =37 ;%%7- ?)7 +%, 5)%.
."3!F D"3!/( %53+-
If he wakes up in a bau moou, I'm not tiying to change his moou.
Anu the beautiful thing about that is: When he iealizes I'm not tiying
to change his moou, then when he ueciues to shift it - which is usually
pietty quick - we can =%!" be in a goou moou. But if I suuuenly wanteu
to tiy anu change him, he woulu uig his heels in. That's just a natuial
human iesponse.
Somebouy tiies to change you, what aie you going to uo. You'll uig
youi heels in. You'll stake out the position: "No, I'm going to be in a
bau moou."
So, it's ieally about having that unueistanuing that the only peison you
have contiol ovei is you. So, if you want to woik on youiself *)
'3&!)#&("*', then just uo the woik on +%, because it's infectious.


Page 19 of 62
A"#) +%, (!3&! !% ("*9! 3)7 C"3)8# ."% +%,/&# =#*)82 3 ;3)
."% &#344+ 4%<#( +%, .*44 (!3&! !% 9%44%. 34%)8-
@!/( 4*5# !"*( ",)8#&-
O#/44 "3<# !"*( 7#(*&# !% .3)! ."3!#<#& *! *( +%,/<# 8%!-
I iemembei yeais ago when I was in this tiansfoimation of ieally
evolving who I was being. I was woiking with my boss veiy closely.
It was ieally just the two of us in this office anu I was woiking in the
music business anu eveiy uay I woulu show up to woik anu just be me
authentically anu I iemembei one uay my boss looks at me anu he
goes, "What is it that you'ie uoing. I want some."
Be's like, "Theie's something going on with you anu I want some of
that."
That's ieally what I mean about being "infectious." That when we just
uo the woik on ouiselves, the people aiounu us will stait to take
notice. Anu if they want some of "that" too, they'll stait to ask you
about it, anu you'll stait to be able to get in a uialogue about it.
But you can't stait off in a ielationship anu
say, "I want to change this about you."
0i even !"*)5 "I want to change this about
the othei peison."
It sets up the iuea anu the agenua that theie's
something you neeu to change in him, so
then he'u be the peifect fix foi you.
That's completely backwaius. If you'ie not happy in youi ielationship,
then look within anu see what's ieally going on with you. Ask youiself
the question: ?; @ ("%.*)8 ,' 3,!"#)!*C344+.
@) %!"#& .%&7(2 3&# +%, &#344+ C%;;,)*C3!*)8 .*!" +%,& '3&!)#&
*) 3 .3+ ."#&# +%, 3CC#'! &#('%)(*=*4*!+F A"#&# +%, &#344+
#;=&3C# !"*( *7#3 %9 #;%!*%)34 3,!"#)!*C*!+ 3)7 ('#35 "%. +%,
9##4 *) 3 .3+ !"3! C%;;,)*C3!#(P 01"2 @ "#3& +%,- @ .3)! !%
,)7#&(!3)7 +%,- @ 9##4 9%& +%, 3)7 ."3! C3) .# 7% 3=%,! !"*(F @9
+%,/&# )%! 9##4*)8 8%%72 "%. C3) .# ;35# +%, 9##4 =#!!#&F>
E# F'"* -+3(
DE+," + 7,.4"#<
E*+"0- /',./
'.9H

Page 2u of 62
Anothei thing, too, is when we stait to get in ielationship - being
emotionally authentic is the best way to teach someone how you want
to be tieateu.
When we talk about emotional authenticity, we'ie not talking about
just being emotionally authentic when it's those emotions we uon't
want to ueal with like angei anu feai anu shame oi blame. Not just
those.
We also can expiess the bliss anu the joy anu all of the gieat things!
It's so nice to be able to communicate to somebouy anu say, "0h wow.
It makes me feel so caieu foi that you open the cai uooi foi me. I ieally
appieciate that. Thank you." It's such a gieat way.
It's such a gieat opening to teach a man how you want to be tieateu
simply by speaking how you feel - iegaiuless of having any juugment
about him oi his behavioi. Basically - you'ie ieleasing the juugment
that's "hookeu up" to whatevei that emotion is you feel.
Let's face it. Emotions aie momentaiy. They come anu they go. But
when we speak them authentically, something ieally magical happens
in oui ielationship. It gives the othei peison an oppoitunity to meet
you at that level of openly communicating, anu then, togethei, you take
the ielationship to a whole new level.
Page 21 of 62
?'7 "' 9+'< -/=13*= -*0
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;#-9
0ina: Absolutely.
Natthew: Exactly.
!"#$#% O')( *#1#0- +.'"*#1 "*,./( +.2 "*,- ,- + 6,""6# F," '5 + ?*+66#./# "'
3'4 /43-< > G.') 51'7 73 '). 6,5# "*+" > +7 .') 5+1 7'1# +)+1# '5
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Page 22 of 62
!"#8- =' K6#+.,./ V8 =*# @,/*",./
Natthew: Suie. The fiist thing is to take some time aftei you've cooleu uown anu
look back at it. Initially, it's going to be uifficult to uo it in the moment.
So, you want to be able to look back at an aigument aftei it's uone, anu
be able to examine it when you'ie not in the heat of those passions.
But once you stait to get a sense of the "stoiy," once you become
awaie of !"3!/( 4*5# ;+ ;%; %& !"3!/( ;35*)8 ;# 9##4 7*(&#('#C!#7 %&
!"3!/( ;35*)8 ;# 9##4 !"*( .3+, then the way in is always thiough the
bouy. It's always in thiough the physical bouy.
I'll explain it this way.
!"+1" >. ;'41 W'23
When we'ie talking about emotion - we use the same language of
feeling as the woius we use when we'ie talking about physical
sensation.
O%. 7%#( +%,& 5)## 9##4F O%. 7%#( +%,& "#37 9##4F O%. 7% +%, 9##4 &*8"!
)%.F O%. 3&# +%, 9##4*)8F
So, we know that theie's a coiielation between physical sensation anu
emotional feeling.
So, to teach youiself to leain the language of emotions - you go into
youi bouy anu you stait noticing what you'ie feeling. 01" .%.- @ 9##4 3
&#34 !*8"!)#(( *) ;+ C"#(! %& &#34 C%)(!&*C!*%)- @ 9##4 .#*8"! %) ;+
("%,47#&(- @ 9##4 3 5)%! *) ;+ 8,!- @ 9##4 )3,(#%,(-> Whatevei those
physical sensations aie, they can begin to teach you a lot about what's
ieally going on with you.
A big pait of it is becoming cuiious.
@/; C,&*%,( 3=%,! "%. @/; 9##4*)8-
So, you get into the physical bouy as the fiist step.
Now, you look at the sensation anu go, 0A"3! *( !"# (#)(3!*%) !#44*)8
;#F> -because theie can be ieally wonueiful metaphois to help you.
Foi example: If it's nausea that you'ie feeling in that situation, then
what is it that you'ie ieally having tiouble uigesting about. What is it
that you ieally can't seem to swallow, that you can't seem to holu on
to.
Page 2S of 62
If it's a tightness in youi chest, then what aie you tiying to piotect
about youi heait. What aie you tiying to holu onto. What's being
squeezeu out of you.
All of these can be lookeu at as a soit of uiffeient metaphoiical
expiessions of what's going on with us emotionally.
X+3 J""#.",'. =' ;'41 W'230- !,/.+6-
!"#$#% !'( 8+3 +""#.",'. "' "*# -,/.+6- "*+" 3'4 /#" 51'7 3'41 F'23<<<
Natthew: Is 9+&< 4*&.
0ina: Anu I woulu say the othei pait ieally is in how you'ie expiessing what
you'ie feeling. Anu ceitainly it's about having compassion with
youiself - because we know that when you'ie in the heat of the
moment anu you'ie tiiggeieu by something, you may not get to all of
these steps, but they'ie what we call the steps to emotional
authenticity.
So, like Natthew was saying, the way to iuentify emotion can be
thiough the bouy - anu that's ieally step one. So, step one to emotional
authenticity is simply to iuentify the emotion.
So, you'ie able to finish the sentence: "I feel ___" by filling in the blank,
that's iuentifying the emotion. Anu iemembei - these aie bouy
sensations. This is emotion. @!/( )%! 3 !"%,8"!.
A lot of people tenu to get stuck in oui heaus about what we'ie feeling,
anu what we'ie feeling is )%! *) %,& "#37-
The heau is geneially the place wheie thoughts aie geneiateu. So,
getting fiom that place - in the heau anu in youi thoughts - to heai
what youi bouy's saying - that's step one to emotional authenticity.
Iuentify emotion. I feel - fill in the "blank."
9+&< "7' then is to #E'&#(( !"3! 9##4*)8 +%,/<# *7#)!*9*#7.
This can be out louu - anu just to youiself. You just say it out louu.
"Wow. I'm ieally fiustiateu iight now" - oi you can say it out louu to
someone else...
Naybe I'll tell you, Steve, "I'm ieally fiustiateu iight now about this
thing that Natthew uiu yesteiuay oi whatevei." So, step two is simply
to expiess it. uet it out. Put it into woius.
Page 24 of 62
9+&< "6/&& of the steps to emotional authenticity is - #E'&#(( *! .*!"
!"# '#&(%) +%,/&# "3<*)8 !"# 9##4*)8 .*!"-
That woulu be - if I'm fiustiateu with Natthew foi some ieason, foi me
to expiess it to Natthew. I'u say, "I feel ieally fiustiateu iight now."
Anu these all compounu. So, we have
! Step 0ne: iuentify the emotion
! Step Two: expiess it to youiself, anu
! Step Thiee is now #E'&#(( *! .*!" !"# '#&(%) +%,/&#
"3<*)8 !"# 9##4*)8 .*!"-
9+&< F'1/ is - *) !"# ;%;#)! !"3! *!/( "3''#)*)8.
So, Step Thiee (backing up a piece heie) - Step Thiee uoesn't have to
be in the moment. Step Thiee is "When that thing happeneu yesteiuay,
I was feeling ieally fiustiateu..." oi last week oi last month.
Bopefully you uiun't holu on to it anu it's not last yeai. Really, Step
Thiee is just that piece of expiessing it to the peison, anu step foui
then is in the moment that it's happening. I'u say: "Right now,
Natthew, I'm feeling ieally fiustiateu."
The last step is the one that neeus a little finessing because Step Five is
soit of the culmination. We have iuentify the emotion, expiess it to
ouiselves, then expiess it with the peison, then expiess it with the
peison in the moment - anu oui
9+&< F3E& is - 3! !"# 3''&%'&*3!# *)!#)(*!+.
-nu appiopiiate intensity can be tiicky.
Theie'ie a few things we have to take into account - because O%. 7%
.# 5)%. *!/( 3''&%'&*3!# 9%& %,& %.) *)!#)(*!+ %9 #;%!*%)F
The easy pait - one way of looking at it, one piece that might be in play
- is that if somebouy's hau the same behavioi like 97 times anu you
nevei pipeu up about how you felt about it, anu it wasn't favoiable,
anu you suuuenly flew off the hanule, they woulu look at you like you
have thiee heaus.
Natthew woulu look at me like, "I've been uoing this foi months," anu
I'm like, "Yeah. I know," because it built up.
So, that's my iesponsibility.
Page 2S of 62
If I uiun't expiess how I felt befoie anu this behavioi has been piesent,
then it's not ieally faii to Natthew to suuuenly fly off the hanule.
@!/( =##) ;# !"3!/( =##) "%47*)8 %)!% *!-
So, I'll acknowleuge that. Anu my intensity of the expiession of that
emotion shoulu actually be tempeieu - because I'm feeling it stiongei.
Because I've let it go on anu on anu on.
R7'",'.- K'78'4.2
Now, the seconu pait to looking at appiopiiateness of intensity is kinu
of tiicky because we'ie complex beings - anu what happens is that oui
emotions actually compounu.
uiief is a gieat example. When we have a loss, when we lose someone,
we ieally feel 344 the losses we've evei expeiienceu. We feel all that
giief of eveiybouy we've evei lost - anu
guilt woiks the same way.
uuilt compounus. Betiayal, feeling
abanuoneu, all these emotions
compounu ovei time.
What we have to iealize is that the
peison we'ie engaging with in the
moment is not iesponsible foi all of the
losses oi all of the betiayals oi all the
times that you felt that emotion.
The othei piece is that we tenu to wait, anu holu onto all of this
because we think it's "too small."
The iuea of Step Five, appiopiiate intensity is about this waiting anu
holuing on.
<<<E# "#.2 "'
)+,"( +.2 *'62
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Page 26 of 62
L'62,./ I. J.2 ='.,./ M').
If what we'ie feeling anu expeiiencing is a "level one," uon't holu onto
it -because pietty soon it might builu up to a level seven, eight, nine,
ten. So, if it's a level one, you can simply expiess how you feel at a level
one. If it's a level seven, then you'ie going to expiess it a little moie
intensely.
Beie's an example of this: We hau a client a while back who is a
theiapist. She's a maiiiage anu family theiapist, anu one of the things
we iealizeu is that she was ieally soit of "tempeiing" all of hei
communication with hei husbanu.
Eveiything was toneu uown to a level one oi even point five. So hei
husbanu nevei ieally knew what was impoitant.
She woulu say with the same soit of tone, "We neeu to get milk," as,
"0h, my sistei is getting maiiieu."
So, was it impoitant foi them to go to the sistei's weuuing. Be was
nevei ieally suie, because hei emotions weie always soit of tampeu
uown to what she felt was a veiy "uigestible" level foi him, but he
nevei ieally knew what was going on with hei.
0ui paitnei wants to be engageu with us anu so, if we'ie feeling
something at a level ten, then we get to expiess it at a level ten - but I
piomise you that most of the time, if we'ie just soit of cleaning as we
go anu not letting things builu up, level ten uoesn't come into play
iight away.
Nost of the time level ten means
you've been holuing onto it.
So, if we just expiess how we feel at
that level thiee, foui, five - whatevei it
is that's going on with us all along -
then we'ie not letting things builu up.
=*# O'.BY,'6#." =#786+"#
We give oui clients a template that I think is ieally helpful. It's ieally
basic non-violent communication - anu it goes like this: "I feel ___" anu
you fill in the blank.
When you fill in that blank , now you have two options:
;'41 7+. EJO=!
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),"* 3'4<<<
Page 27 of 62
Fiist choice option is "Can we please" - anu you offei a solution.
The seconu choice option is you make a iequest with a solution. So,
seconu choice option is "Woulu you please." That's a iequest. So, heie's
an example:
@ 9##4 )#84#C!#7 ."#) +%, 7%)/! !35# %,! !"# 83&=38#- A%,47 +%,
'4#3(# ;35# 3) #99%&! !% )%!*C# ."#) !"# 83&=38# *( 9,44 344 %)
+%,& %.) 3)7 !35# !"# 83&=38# %,!F
The key is to be ieally expiessing how we'ie feeling.
So many of us get stuck in oui heaus, anu stait to piocess the situation
in oui heaus - we'll be like, "Why am I feeling neglecteu because the
gaibage isn't taken out."
It's not about piocessing thiough an intellectual thought. 0ui
emotions uon't have a system. The biain is veiy systematizeu anu oui
thoughts aie veiy systematizeu, but emotions uon't have a system. It's
not like theie's a iesolution at the enu. All that youi emotions aie
meant to uo is to be in the moment anu to be expiesseu.
So, it's not about piocessing "Why uo I feel this way.
It's ieally about saying, "0h, I feel this. Let me expiess it," anu when we
get to uo that with oui paitnei, we get to have that exchange of ieal
intimacy, which is what oui soul uesiies.
So, this opens up the way foi communication. What we like to say is
that - ieally, this piocess is about speaking how you feel iegaiuless of
the expectations of otheis.
What we tenu to uo is - we tempei ouiselves oi we holu onto stuff oi
we let stuff builu up because we think that's not appiopiiate oi that's
not impoitant enough.
If you'ie feeling it, you aie impoitant enough. If you feel it, it's
impoitant enough to be biought up.
}ust iemembei - it coulu be biought up at one of those lowei levels of
intensity. It uoesn't have to be a big chest-beating expiession of youi
emotion. It can simply be just expiessing what you'ie feeling in that
moment.
Page 28 of 62
8'/H,6&&+
9+&<, "' Q;'+3'*#% -1+6&*+323+C

1. Iuentify emotion (I feel ___________).



2. Expiess it.



S. With the peison you aie having it with.



4. In the moment it is happening.



S. At the appiopiiate intensity.



Page 29 of 62
0ltimately this means you must ,<&#H 6'7 C'1 (&&% /&=#/0%&,, '( +6&
&R<&2+#+3'*, '( '+6&/,. By being 1uu% authentic you aie valuing youiself.
Nemoiize this template foi communicating emotions authentically:

S. (&&% TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTL






86&* C'1 TTTTTTTTTTTTTTL






)#* 7& <%&#,& L L LU IP S8'1%0 C'1 <%&#,&L L LU


Page Su of 62
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0ina: Well, I think we've all hau oui heaits bioken anu so, that's just a
piocess of how things go.
I know one of the biggest gifts that I got in my jouiney to Natthew was
ieally to just be in the space aftei a ielationship enueu wheie I wanteu
to finu what I like to call the "goluen nugget." What was the goluen
nugget.
If I was in a ielationship with this peison anu it uiun't woik out, then
that meant foi me immeuiately that theie was a ieason.
Theie was a ieason that it uiun't woik out - anu I uon't necessaiily
neeu to figuie that pait out - but what I neeu to figuie out is: What was
the gift foi me to uiscovei about myself in that ielationship.
I'll give a ieal specific example fiom my own expeiience:
I uateu a guy nameu }im. It's a geneiic name, so I'll shaie his name. In
that ielationship, when it enueu - it enueu in a funky way. I soit of
staiteu the enuing of it anu he soit of finisheu the enuing of it. It took
me a long time to uiscovei that goluen nugget.
I kept thinking, "Why uiun't this woik out. Theie must be something
foi me to leain," anu what I iealizeu in hinusight looking back - it
Page S1 of 62
wasn't so much about }im oi me anu }im. It was ieally about }im anu
his family.
Eveiy family ceitainly has theii uysfunction anu his family ceitainly
hau theii uysfunction, but one of the things that his family uiu in a
lovely way is that they loveu one anothei iespectfully.
I'u been uating }im long enough to meet his family anu his extenueu
family - anu they all hau a iespectful love foi one anothei. I've got to
tell you - foi me that was quite foieign.
What I uiscoveieu, that goluen nugget foi me, was that I ieally wanteu
a ielationship that hau iespectful love in it, anu that I hau giown up in
a family uynamic wheie theie wasn't any such thing as iespect.
In my family of oiigin, "I love you" actually was equal to "I uon't
iespect you," because in my family of oiigin "I love you" meant "I can
then uo anything to you anu theie's no bounuaiy between you anu
me."
Respectful love actually has a bounuaiy.
So, having that uiscoveiy, I then staiteu to woik on me. I suuuenly
iealizeu if I want to ieceive iespectful love, then I neeu to leain how to
give iespectful love.
So, I staiteu with myself anu my ielationship with me anu then I giew
it out to my fiienus anu my family, as best I coulu, anu onwaiu anu to
piacticing iespectful love in my othei ielationships.
uiving it anu then being open to ieceive it. To have that unueistanuing
was ieally the goluen nugget.
So, some nuggets may not be as huge. That to me was a ieally big aha
moment fiom that ielationship.
What you want to uo if a ielationship enus is to look back anu
goP 0A#442 ."3! 7*7 @ 4#3&) 3=%,! ;#F @( *! (%;#!"*)8 !"3! @ .3)!
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*)(*7# %9 ;#2 (% !"3! @ C3) (## ."3! @ ;*8"! .3)! !% ("*9! !% "3<#
;+ *7#34 &#43!*%)("*'->
0ne of the othei things I want to shaie about heaitbieak is something
I heaiu a long, long time ago. I uiun't quite know what it meant at the
time, but I feel like I ieally have a ueep unueistanuing of it now - anu
Page S2 of 62
that was this notion that when oui heait bieaks, it actually bieaks
open to holu moie love.
Whethei it's the enu of a ielationship anu you'ie healing, oi you'ie in a
ielationship cuiiently anu uisappointeu, oi you'ie let uown by youi
paitnei by a paiticulai event - it can feel like heaitbieak.
I know that in my ielationship with Natthew theie have been times
wheie I was uisappointeu about something anu felt that feeling of
heaitbieak. The fiist time that that happeneu I felt like somebouy hau
hit me in the stomach because I felt like, "0h my uou. I'm with my soul
mate anu I thought I'u nevei feel this feeling again."
That oveiwhelming feeling of like being puncheu in the gut. When that
aii just gets suckeu out of you of like, "0h my uou. I'm so heaitbioken
in this moment."
When that happens, if I can stait to think of it fiom that peispective of
;+ "#3&!/( =#*)8 =&%5#) %'#) !% "%47 ;%&# 4%<# - it gets bettei.
Eveiy time Natthew has uisappointeu me oi I've uisappointeu him,
anu we then communicate authentically to get to the othei siue of it -
oui ielationship is not only stiongei, but my heait has bioken open to
holu moie love foi this amazing man.
Natthew: That's so wonueiful eveiy time I heai that.
So, the othei pait of the question you askeu is how uoes heaitbieak
affect us anu how uoes that then affect the way we move foiwaiu.
=*# Z'62#. O4//#" Z'#- =')+12 L#+6,./
0ftentimes, what we uo is insteau of looking foi that goluen nugget is
to go the opposite uiiection. We constiict - anu the way we constiict is
we say, "I uon't like this feeling. I nevei want to feel this way again, so
what uo I neeu to uo in oiuei to avoiu this in the futuie."
Foi example, we hau a client who came to us because he was having
lots of tioubles in his maiiiage anu he was ieally looking at: "What
iole am I playing heie. What iole am I playing." At the time, his wife
was being veiy uismissive of him, not wanting him to show anu
expiess all his eneigy. She kept saying, "Can you tone it uown. Can you
tone it uown." It was ieally ciushing his spiiit.
Page SS of 62
So, we weie looking at - What was his iole in this. What pait uiu he
play. - anu what we began to iealize was his iole in this was: Why he
chose to maiiy hei.
The ieason he chose to maiiy hei was because the woman pievious to
him hau cheateu on him, anu he saiu, "I nevei want to be cheateu on
again. So, I'm going to choose someone who won't cheat" - anu that
became such an impoitant value to him that it oveishauoweu othei
values that weie also veiy impoitant.
Be uiu what he saiu he'u uo. Be maiiieu
a woman will nevei cheat. She's veiy
faithful, but she's also someone who
can't accept him as who he is.
So, we uo that all the time. We choose
values that aie impoitant to us because
they'ie in ieaction to things that happen
to us.
So, what we want to uo is we uon't want to constiict ouiselves in that
way. We still want to iealize that just because we hau heaitbieak, just
because things uiun't woik out, uoesn't mean we still can't ask foi all
that we want.
We neeu to keep that sense of possibility open. Anu the way to uo it is
to ielease that negative emotion that's associateu with the heaitbieak.
That's associateu with - the cheating oi the uisappointment oi
whatevei that stoiy is foi you - anu to ielease that, so then you can
keep open that possibility.
Looking foi anu finuing that goluen nugget is a ieal key to ieleasing
that.
0ina: 0ne of the othei pieces too is when we'ie in "ieaction," we'ie soit of
pigeonholeu into this little space that's veiy constiicting. It's like if the
last boyfiienu was a gamblei, so you nevei want a gamblei. The last
guy was a uiunk, so you just want someone sobei.
It soit of pigeonholes this focus in ieaction to the thing we uon't want,
anu because we'ie eneigetic beings, the ieality is we'ie still tieu into
the eneigy of the gamblei. We'ie tieu into the eneigy of the uiunk.
We'ie tieu into those negative eneigies. We'ie putting oui focus in the
wiong uiiection - saying, "Well, I uon't want that, so I'm going to
choose this," anu that isn't fiom the space of youi heait's uesiie.
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Page S4 of 62
When we talk about cieating a soul mate paitneiship, we'ie talking
about a tiue soul paitneiship that comes fiom the limitless tiue
heait's uesiie.
We'ie talking about "What uo I ieally want. If I can have eveiything,
what uoes my heait ieally uesiie." The answei isn't in ieaction to the
last bieakup.
So, foi healing that pait of us aftei a bieakup - I think it's so impoitant
to take the time with ouiselves to ieally open up anu have compassion
anu foigiveness foi all paities.
Page SS of 62
P#0 P'C, -*0 D''0 D1C,
Natthew: We see this bau boy vs. goou guy
pattein show up with oui clients
in a veiy specific way. We've been
seeing this a lot lately:
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Anu when you'ie having that
eitheioi - well, eithei theie's
uangeious guys, who I'm ieally
attiacteu to, oi theie's these nice
guys, who I'm not attiacteu to, anu those aie my only options, then
that's ieally cleai that at some point you maue a choice about
heaitbieak.
Somewheie, you saiu, "I'm not going to let this happen to me again,"
anu how it's showing up is seeing a limit in what's available to you.
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0ina: This is ieally inteiesting because when people go off anu stait uating;
one of the biggest tools anu most accessible tools out theie iight now
is all of those online uating iesouices.
Page S6 of 62
Theie aie all of these online uating sites anu it uoesn't mattei which
site you go to. They all soit of boil it uown, ask you a bunch of
questions anu tiy to match you up with somebouy who is like you -anu
it's unfoitunate, because ieally !"# 5#+ !% 3!!&3C!*%) *( *) !"#
7*99#&#)C#(.
The key is ieally that attiaction is boin out of the uiffeiences. You can
even say it's boin out of the conflicts. Anu that's not something theie's
an "algoiithm" foi, which is why it's not available on inteinet uating
sites. It's not like they'ie going to hook you up with the "opposite of
you"- because ceitainly theie shoulu be some coie elements that you
shaie with youi paitnei.
But the ieal key to attiaction is that - A"3! @ )##7 *) &#43!*%)("*' *(
3C!,344+ !"# %''%(*!# %9 ."3! J3!!"#. )##7( *) &#43!*%)("*' 3)7 !"3!/(
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Baving each of us get oui neeus met is the uance that we play in
ielationship anu that's how healthy ielationships play out. Youi
paitnei neeus one thing anu you neeu something else. Anu oftentimes
it's the opposite.
Anu how you get those neeus met anu you both feel fulfilleu is what
we call cieating that .*)L.*). That we both win. That's what we'ie
always looking foi in oui ielationship anu it's how we coach oui
clients to be in ielationship. To have this unueistanuing that youi neeu
in ielationship is something that is not going to be fulfilleu by youi
paitnei 247.









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Page S7 of 62
So, he neeus his space, but I neeu to be emotionally connecteu to him.
Anu the uance that we uo is that we both get oui neeus met. Be gets
his space anu I get to feel emotionally connecteu, but I'm not going to
feel emotionally connecteu to Natthew eveiy minute of eveiy uay.
Nobouy can give you that. Not even a mothei to a chilu. So many
motheis aie tiying to give that to theii chiluien out theie anu it's not
possible.
K%2 @ )##7 !% &#C%8)*Q# ."#) *!/( *;'%&!3)! 9%& ;# !% 9##4 C%))#C!#7-
If I'm feeling uisconnecteu fiom Natthew - I neeu to know how to ask
foi what I neeu in a way wheie he can step up anu fulfill that. }ust like
he neeus to ask foi "space" when he iequiies it. When he feels like he
neeus that space.
So, that's...
=*# M+.?# I5 W#,./ >. J P#6+",'.-*,8
It's about having this unueistanuing that when you'ie attiacteu to
somebouy they'ie going to want something in the ielationship that's
uiffeient fiom what you want - anu that it's not about a "negotiation."
Natthew anu I ieally uon't like the negotiation because it boils a
ielationship uown to a business aiiangement.
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Page S8 of 62
Natthew: It sounus exactly iight, but it leaus to anothei soit of myth about
ielationship, which is this iuea of the:
@+46"3 P#6+",'.-*,8 C+"*
That one plus one equals one.
That in some way on an emotional level - maybe not on a genetic level,
but on an emotional level - that we aie lacking in something, in some
quality.
We'ie lacking in some pait of ouiselves anu that othei peison is going
to fill that hole.
So, the two of us - I iemembei as a chilu theie was a penuant that you
got.
It was a heait anu it was bioken in half anu you woie one half anu the
giil you weie with woie the othei half. This iuea that you completeu
each othei.
What we ieally like to see anu get people to unueistanu is that you aie
complete in anu of youiself anu we have a uiffeient faulty math.
0ui math actually says one plus one equals thiee because it's two
whole beings coming togethei cieating this thiiu thing calleu the
ielationship.
When you stait looking at it that way, you stait iealizing - 0@ )##7 !%
9##7 !"# &#43!*%)("*' *) %&7#& !% 5##' *! !"&*<*)8->
;IV K'4."
0ina: Anu that actually biings me to anothei point. A lot of times women
tenu to saciifice themselves in ielationship.
We talk to so many women who aie like, "I gave eveiything anu it still
uiun't woik out," anu that's exactly the iole these women aie playing
in the uemise of the ielationship - they gave eveiything!
Whatevei youi belief, whatevei youi highei powei, uou, uouuess,
0niveise, whatevei it is - we believe no highei powei will say that you
uon't mattei.
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The key is ieally to have this unueistanuing of...
Page S9 of 62
0@ C%,)!- @ ;3!!#&- A"3! @ 9##4 ;3!!#&(- R#! ;# #E'&#(( "%. @ 9##42
("%. ,' 3,!"#)!*C344+ .*!" 344 %9 ."% @ 3;2 (% !"3! !"3! C3) =#
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3)%!"#& '#&(%)->
So, this one plus one equals thiee is ieally the best soit of visual that
we have foi how this is cieateu.
That you show up whole anu complete, anu you come into paitneiship
with anothei peison who's whole anu complete, anu that equals a soul
mate paitneiship.
That's youi thiiu entity.
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Page 4u of 62
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Natthew: We actually have a slightly uiffeient way of looking at that intensity.
We say that feai anu excitement aie basically the same physical
sensation, but feai has physical uangei in it anu excitement uoesn't -
anu that we oftentimes confuse the two.
We get feaiful when we'ie uoing something that's ieally actually
exciting like public speaking oi something like that - anu what we
want people to unueistanu is that intensity, that excitement is actually
a 9#3& iesponse.
The way we came up with this unueistanuing is we weie woiking with
a lot of clients who hau some foim of abuse in theii past, whethei it's
emotional abuse oi physical abuse. Invaiiably they woulu say that
when they met that peison who enueu up being a mouel foi that
abuse, that initially - when the ielationship staiteu - theie was this
intensity.
D"3! *! .3( 4*5# !"# '#&(%) C%,47 (## &*8"! !"&%,8" !"#; 3)7 G,(!
5)#. !"#; 3)7 !"#+ .#&# C%))#C!#7 %) !"*( &#344+ 7##'2 *)!#)(#
4#<#4-
We say when you feel that feeling, iun away because it's just
going to leau to tiouble.
Page 41 of 62
It's just going to leau to you playing out something that's fiom a
veiy eaily age.
What we founu when we came togethei was a much uiffeient feeling -
anu I think 0ina uoes a ieally gieat job of talking about it anu
uesciibing that.
0ina: I think a lot of people think, "Well, if I uon't have that intense
connection, pooh. I uon't want it."
The ieality is - when you have a tiue soul mate connection with
somebouy, wow.
It's so much bettei than "intense" connection - because what's tieu into
that intense connection is a lot of angst. It's a feeling that feels out of
contiol.
I can tell you that was the feeling I felt with Ni. New Yeai's Eve 1994.
This veiy intense connection.
@! C3) 34(% ("%. ,' 3( L 3)7 9##4 4*5# L 3 (*8) %9 93;*4*3&*!+-
It's a subconscious signal saying, "This is familiai to me." Now, it coulu
be familiai to you because it's goou, oi it coulu be familiai to you
because it's bau. Youi subconscious actually uoesn't holu juugment.
All it's telling you is - !"*( *( 93;*4*3&. Anu at the time, with Ni. New
Yeai's Eve 1994, wow. I thought this intense connection meant I was
supposeu to be with this peison.
That he was the one.
That it was all of these things. Anu it wasn't. Really, all that it was
telling me was - !"*( *( 93;*4*3&. D"*( 8,+ "3( !"# C3'3C*!+ !% "3&; +%,
!"# .3+ +%, .#&# "3&;#7 *) +%,& 93;*4+ %9 %&*8*).

Page 42 of 62
)1/3',3+C 5#H&, - M&#% )'**&2+3'*
0ina: When I met Natthew I hau a uiffeient
kinu of connection with him. It was a
feeling of cuiiosity.
The intensity was uiffeient, moie in a
cuiious place. I hau this intense
cuiiosity about him.
I felt like I was constantly in this place
of uiscoveiy. It was like a wonuei-ness.
That I wanteu to know moie about him.
I was like, "Wow. This guy is so - I just want to know moie about him."
We met thiough a business netwoiking gioup - anu so when we weie
engaging with each othei, we weie out at business netwoiking
meetings.
We woulu liteially stanu in the paiking lot anu talk at one of oui cais
when eveiybouy was gone. The place was empty. The people that
woikeu theie weie gone, anu we'ie still in the paiking lot talking
because we hau just this connection of cuiiosity anu uiscoveiy about
one anothei.
@ G,(! #)G%+#7 =#*)8 *) "*( '&#(#)C# *) 3 .3+ !"3! .3( '#3C#9,4-
In a way that was veiy, veiy uiffeient fiom that ciazy, intense
connection that has angst attacheu to it. It's something that I've heaiu
people in the past say.
They'u say, "0h, when you meet the iight one you know," anu it always
useu to confuse me anu peiplex me.
I woulu say, "Well, I thought I knew," but then it uiun't woik out - so
then I uiun't know.
K%2 !"#) "%. 7% +%, 5)%. ."#) +%, &#344+ 5)%.F
All I can say is - when you meet that soul mate, when you meet that
tiue soul paitnei, it will feel uiffeient than it's evei felt foi you befoie.
Page 4S of 62
It will be a new feeling. Theie will be a connection anu an attiaction
that is beyonu woius to uesciibe.
I'm ieally having tiouble finuing woius to uesciibe it, but foi me it
ieally felt like this cuiiosity. Anu this feeling of being in this place of
uiscoveiy anu just simply wanting to be in this man's piesence.
Page 44 of 62
5#//C3*= A'1/,&%(
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0ina: Yeah. You can show up as who you ieally aie. We want to be loveu foi
who we ieally aie. It's this weiiu uichotomy that exists in iomance. It's
like we want to be loveu foi who we ieally aie, but yet so many of us
aie teiiifieu to show up as who we ieally aie.
A#442 "%. 3&# .# 8%*)8 !% =# 4%<#7 9%& ."% .# &#344+ 3&# *9 .#/&#
'43+*)8 !"*( .#*&7 73)C# %9 !.*(!*)8 *)!% 3 '&#!Q#4 !% !&+ 3)7 !35#
3 ("3'# !"3! .# !"*)5 !"# %!"#& '#&(%) ;3+ 4*5#F
"0h, I think if I behave this way, he'll like me," oi "I think if I behave
that way, he'll call me." It's this weiiu game we play. Anu if we sheu all
of that, if we sheu the game, anu we ieally want a soul mate connection
- then it comes back to that age olu saying: Know thyself.
Know thyself. Accept thyself. Love thyself. Really step into that place of
ieally honoiing anu cheiishing you.
Aftei that New Yeai's Eve of '94, seveial yeais latei actually - I live in
southein Califoinia. I'u gone uown to venice Beach anu I bought this
iing - a simple banu. It was a silvei banu. I was weaiing silvei jeweliy
at the time anu I went uown to the beach anu I maiiieu myself.
I maiiieu me anu it sounueu kinu of coiny, but it was so impoitant to
me. }ust like my weuuing banu now that I look at anu it ieminus me of
the commitment I have with Natthew anu it makes me smile eveiy
time I look at it.
Page 4S of 62
That silvei banu, I still have it. That plain silvei banu that I bought in
venice Beach that uay anu I went anu maiiieu myself anu I piomiseu
to love, honoi anu cheiish me anu I hau nevei uone that befoie.
I hau nevei ieally committeu to myself on such a ueep level. I know
uoing that changeu so much foi me because it iaiseu that level again of
how I was valuing me. @9 @ .3( C%;;*!!#7 !% ;#2 *! ;#3)! @ .3(
*)<34,3=4#.
So, that's such an impoitant key.
O%. 3&# +%, !&#3!*)8 +%,&(#49F ?&# +%, !&#3!*)8 +%,&(#49 !"# .3+
+%, .3)! !% =# !&#3!#7 =+ +%,& '3&!)#&F A"#) +%, ;35#
;*(!35#(2 =#C3,(# .# 344 7%2 3&# +%, "3&7 %) +%,&(#49F
Bo you sit theie anu beat youiself up foi uays. 0i uo you just embiace
youiself anu say, "Wow. I uiu the best I coulu anu I messeu that up. 0h,
that's fiustiating." Then go, "0kay. I'm going to shake that off. I'm
going to still love me in my impeifect foim."
X1#"S#6 =),-",./
Natthew: 0ne of the things 0ina mentioneu in theie I think is woith talking
about, which is what we always call "pietzel twisting."
A# 3(5 %,&(#4<#( S 0A"3! ("3'# C3) @ !35# !"3! .*44 =# 4%<#3=4# =+ !"*(
%!"#& '#&(%)F>
I think how that shows up sometimes is what I iefei to as the bait anu
switch, which is you get into a ielationship with a peison anu they'ie
one way anu they seem to like all the things you like anu they seem to
want to uo what you want to uo - anu as soon as theie's a commitment
in the ielationship, whethei it's maiiiage oi moving in togethei, it's
like suuuenly things stait to change.
Now this peison says, "0h, I can ielax now anu be myself because I've
got the commitment," anu the othei peison is like, "What happeneu to
that peison I fell in love with who likeu all the things I likeu."
This is such a big pioblem in ielationship because so many people
aien't being authentic fiom the beginning. Also - I uon't think that
inauthenticity comes fiom a uevious place.
It comes moie fiom a feai that the peison won't love you foi who you
aie.
Page 46 of 62
When we step into that, anu ieally iealize that the fiist step is we have
to love ,( foi who we aie anu then tiuly uo love us foi who we aie - we
can't )%! be authentic in ielationship.
!"#$#% ;#- +.2 ,"0- $#13 *+12 )'1G "13,./ "' F# -'7#F'23 #6-# + 6'" '5 "*#
",7#<
Natthew: Yeah.
0ina: Yeah. It's exhausting.
;'4 J1# LRPR
Natthew: You aie peifect as you aie. Theie's
nothing wiong with you.
What's ieally inteiesting is when we
get with a client, we heai hei stoiy.
We finu out wheie she came fiom,
how hei paients weie, hei patteins in
ielationship, the beliefs that she has in
ielationship.
We look at all that anu we put it togethei anu we go, "Wow. I get it. I
get it why you aie exactly wheie you aie.
Anu theie's nothing wiong with wheie you aie - because if we hau
maue those same uecisions anu we hau hau that same backgiounu,
we'u be in the same place."
So, the iealization that wheie you aie is exactly wheie you'ie
supposeu to be - anu that theie's nothing wiong with wheie you aie -
is veiy poweiful.
It uoesn't leau to a complacency as much as it leaus to an
unueistanuing anu an acceptance anu a lack of iesistance to being
wheie you aie.
Then you can say, "0kay. This is wheie I am. Wheie uo I want to be
anu what uo I neeu to uo anu who uo I neeu to become to get to that
place I want to be."
0ina: It's soit of like if you hau a map - anu let's say you'ie at the mall anu
you'ie looking foi Noiustiom's - well you'll finu Noiustiom's on the
map, but if theie isn't a "You aie heie" spot, which we know is usually
Page 47 of 62
the fiist thing you look foi - then how to you get fiom "heie" to
"theie".
Wheie am I. Now, wheie's Noiustiom's.
That iuea of @/; '#&9#C! 3( @ 3;- @ 3; &*8"! ."#&# @ 3;2 anu this iuea of
accepting all that is in this moment - that's what neeus to happen.
That "you aie heie" spot on youi map. If youi uestination is a soul
mate ielationship, well how aie you going to get theie unless you
know wheie you aie now.
So, you want to accept insteau of iesist all that is in this moment.
When you move into acceptance anu say, "0h, this is wheie I am iight
now anu these aie the patteins that I've cieateu in my ielationships up
until this point" - now you'ie in a gieat place to shift that anu move
foiwaiu towaiu that uestination point of a soul mate ielationship.
Page 48 of 62
., "6&/& 4*%C 4*& 9'1%;#+&
F'/ A'1:

0ina: I like to think that a lot of it has
to uo with timing.
Some people believe that a
soul mate is somebouy who
teaches you something - anu
then they move on anu you
move on to someone else who
is a soul mate also... anu then
they teach you something anu you move on. I uon't think it woiks like
that.
I think we come togethei with oui soul mate anu that timing has a lot
to uo with it. So, it's not that you neeu to seaich out that one peison
out of the six billion on the planet.
I think it's a timing thing.
It's that iuea of watei seeking its own level. It's that when you ieach
the top of that mountain foi you, you will ieach the top of that
mountain anu come into paitneiship with the peison who's at that
same level as you. Anu that is youi soul mate foi this lifetime.
So, I uon't believe you go fiom soul mate to soul mate. I believe that we
have one soul mate, but it's one foi this lifetime. @!/( )%! %)# ('#C*9*C
'#&(%).
Timing has a lot to uo with it. Youi soul mate is a peison you'ie going
to spenu youi life with - in peisonal anu spiiitual giowth togethei,
wheie the commitment is to stay togethei anu woik thiough things
togethei, so that you giow togethei, leain togethei anu shaie all the
joys anu giief that life has to offei togethei.
!"#$#% M' > *+$# 7'1# "*+. '.# '8",'. '4" '5 "*# -,A F,66,'. 8#'86#9
Natthew: Yes.
0ina: Yes.
!"#$#% >5 > )#1# + )'7+.( "*#. "*#1# 7+.3 7#. )*' 7,/*" +?"4+663 F#
+F6# "' F# 73 -'46 7+"#9
Page 49 of 62
Natthew: Yes.
0ina: Yeah.
J C+. >- >.-8,1#2 W3 L,7-#65
Natthew: So, oftentimes we get stuck with that iuea that theie's eithei the guy
I'm ieally attiacteu to oi theie's the guy who's nice, but I just uon't
have any eneigy with.
Anu the guy that you'ie ieally attiacteu to has those qualities of eithei
being unavailable oi being an auuict oi being in some way not able to
be theie foi you.
In that situation, you get this iuea that: If you can just be goou enough,
you'll inspiie him to change. This is the tiap that so many women get
into.
What we want to iealize is that the guy out theie foi you is inspiieu by
himself anu his own uesiie to be a bettei peison. Be has to want to
change anu he's out theie uoing that woik.
You neeu to step out of the loop of this guy veisus that guy anu begin
to open up the iealization that theie aie plenty of othei guys out theie
who aie woiking on themselves, who aie giowing, who aie expanuing,
who aie going ueepei anu ueepei into becoming the best peison they
can be.
It's about stepping out of the uouble binu oi the blinueis that say
theie's ieally only two types of guys available to me. That's about
uoing the innei woik on youiself to become available to that othei guy
who is out theie woiking on himself foi himself.
So, the way we look at soul mates is not necessaiily that theie's one
soul out theie foi you in this vast sea of the billions of people on the
planet anu you'ie in some way going to stumble upon him.
The way we always think of anu talk about a soul mate paitneiship is
this iuea of two people who aie on a path of giowth, spiiitual giowth,
peisonal giowth - whatevei that is anu they come togethei in
ielationship to suppoit each othei in the continuation of that giowth.
This iuea that we'ie heie on Eaith school anu that we'ie meant to
leain something anu that one of the things we'ie meant to leain is how
to be in ielationship anu what being in ielationship can teach us moie
about ouiselves.
Page Su of 62
0ina: 0ne of the things that Natthew anu I ieally uiscoveieu about one
anothei ieally eaily on, which was so uelicious about coming togethei,
was that we hau both iealizeu inuiviuually when we weie alone anu
not in ielationship that you actually giow exponentially when you'ie
in paitneiship.
So, the woik of uoing peisonal giowth anu spiiitual giowth actually
acceleiates when you'ie in paitneiship with anothei peison. Both
Natthew anu I hau come to a place wheie we'ie like, "0kay. I'm not
ieally suie what else I'm supposeu to uo on my own heie. Wheie's my
paitnei to take the iest of the ioau togethei with me now."
Anu that's ieally what we call a soul mate. Somebouy who wants to
woik with you, so that they can giow peisonally anu spiiitually
alongsiue you.
!"#$#% J.2 -'7#",7#- "*+" )'462 6''G 6,G# F#,./ "1,//#1#2 F3 "*#7<
Natthew: It coulu look like being tiiggeieu by them. uetting tiiggeieu can be the
clue that that lets you know you'ie looking at a possible soul
paitneiship. That a tiue soul paitneiship is wheie it goes fiom theie.
We'ie going to be tiiggeieu by anybouy we'ie in intimate ielationship
with.
The question is what uo you uo with the tiiggei.
Bo you go ueepei with it. Bo you get into communication about it. Bo
you leain moie about youiself.
Bo you leain how to giow '3(! the tiiggei - oi uo you stay in that ego
place of 0@/<# =##) !&*88#&#7 3)7 +%,/<# *) (%;# .3+ ;37# ;# .&%)82>
oi 06%,/<# *) (%;# .3+ 7%)# (%;#!"*)8 !"3! !&*88#&#7 ;# 3)7 +%, )##7
!% 7% (%;#!"*)8 3=%,! !"3!>F

Page S1 of 62
P&2';3*= 9'1%;#+&,
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0ina: 0h, absolutely. When you've maue
the commitment to be with
somebouy - the key ieally is "Bo you
love that peison."
Whethei you ieally know you want to woik on the ielationship.
Now, the only peison you have contiol ovei is you. K%2 !"# 5#+
&#344+ !"#&# *( !% 9*)7 %,! *9 +%,& '3&!)#& *( .*44*)8 !% .%&5 %) !"#
&#43!*%)("*'-
So, it's about expiessing how you feel anu using the tools that we've
given you of the steps to emotional authenticity, taking all the
iesponsibility foi how you'ie feeling anu expiessing those with a
solution. The way you'ie going to know if youi paitnei is able to meet
you is how they iesponu to you being authentic.
Bo they meet you. When you step up anu say, "This is how I feel," anu
you'ie being 1uu% authentic - that's a veiy high, eneigetic, vibiational
level to be at. It's ieally like senuing that peison an invitation.
It's like an invitation to say, 0O*- T4#3(# ;##! ;# 3! !"*( "*8" 4#<#4 %9
<*=&3!*%) %9 3,!"#)!*C*!+->
Now, some people will meet you at that level anu some people won't -
anu that tells you about wheie !"#+ aie in !"#*& jouiney.
So, if you'ie in ielationship with somebouy, you want to know if
they'ie able to meet you theie. You'ie just senuing them invitations
anu seeing if they accept youi invitation anu step up to that place of
being authentic.
Page S2 of 62
Now, it may be that you neeu some piofessional guiuance anu some
help. If theie's a lot of watei unuei the biiuge, it can be ieally uifficult,
but if you have tiust anu love, then it's ieally possible to woik on a
ielationship anu ieally have that tiue soul mate connection. It's
possible to get to the othei siue anu be amazingly stiong on the othei
siue of whatevei it is, the pioblems that you'ie cuiiently having.
The thing about leaving a ielationship anu staiting ovei is guess what.
6%,/&# (!*44 +%,-
So, whatevei pioblems you uiun't oveicome aie going to show up
again anu again. So, if you'ie in paitneiship anu theie aie pioblems,
look foi wheie the iesponsibility of those pioblems is insiue of you.
Then, uoing the woik on you will stait to shift them. Then see if youi
paitnei will meet you to woik on that himself as well.
Now, if he's willing to woik on himself, guess what. Now you can have
that ieal intimacy anu cieate that soul mate connection.
Natthew: Anu the othei piece of this - anu we believe so stiongly in this that this
was actually in oui weuuing vows - is this iuea of being always in
foigiveness. Always in foigiveness of self when you sciew up anu
always in foigiveness of youi paitnei when they sciew up.
It uoesn't mean that you allow them to uo whatevei they want to uo
anu you say, "That's okay. Anything you uo is okay." But it uoes mean
that you always leave open the space foi foigiveness. That theie can be
foigiveness in any situation.
Now, I think it helps if that peison is meeting you at that ueep
authentic level. If they'ie not able to uo that oi they'ie not willing to uo
it oi they uon't see that theie's a pioblem, they uon't want to uo
anything - then you've got to question. Is this ieally a soul paitneiship
oi is this just two people coming togethei out of comfoit anu out of a
uesiie foi companionship.
Page SS of 62
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0ina: 0ne of the things that's is ieally gieat about cieating a ielationship you
ieally uesiie is to boil it uown to something that you 5)%. you ieally
uesiie that ;3+ )%! "3<# =##) *) +%,& '3(! &#43!*%)("*'(.
So, foi me, theie's that whole iuea of having &#('#C!9,4 4%<#. Anu so I
cieateu a mantia oi affiimation, if you will, that I founu so helpful - I
just staiteu saying to myself all the time, whethei I was going to go
meet somebouy to be on a uate oi not.
P#-8#?"546 :'$#
Wheievei I was, I was constantly affiiming this thought: D"# ;#) @ 4%<#
3&# 4%<*)8 ;# &#('#C!9,44+. I woulu just say that ovei anu ovei.
D"# ;#) @ 4%<# 3&# 4%<*)8 ;# &#('#C!9,44+-
So, if you've gotten that goluen nugget foi youiself - ask youiself
What am I cieating.
What uo I ieally want.
What's a key ingieuient foi me, anu how can I cultivate that.
Because I wasn't just saying this affiimation anu then just letting it lie.
I was saying it with emotion, anu I was piacticing iespectful love with
eveiybouy in my life in that moment.
I was piacticing giving iespectful love anu ieceiving it - howevei it
showeu up, in whatevei foim. Even )%! in the foim of an intimate
ielationship.
Page S4 of 62
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Natthew: Anu I think the othei pait, when we talk about visualization, we neeu
to fiist unueistanu what visualization is anu how it woiks.
Foi me, the way to unueistanu that is to look at a phiase that so many
of us use in oui eveiyuay
conveisation, which is: 0@
G,(! C3)/! (## ;+(#49 7%*)8
!"3!->
When we say that,
whethei we'ie talking
about bungee jumping off
a biiuge oi tiaveling
aiounu the woilu oi
whatevei that thing is - what we'ie speaking is a liteial tiuth. That
liteial tiuth is: A# C3)/! C&#3!# 3 '*C!,&# *) %,& ;*)7( 3)7 (## %,&(#4<#(
*) !"3! #<#)!-
So, visualization is about seeing youiself having, uoing, being
what it is that you uesiie, so that on a subconscious level it feels
possible. When it feels possible, then you'ie going to take the
actions necessaiy to get what you want.
So, if you say, "I want a tiue soul paitneiship anu I want somebouy
who loves me iespectfully anu I want somebouy who has all of these
qualities I uesiie," but you can't (## them because they'ie just
intellectual concepts - you neeu to woik at cieating what woulu that
look like.
Bow woulu that show up anu the way we uo it is something we like to
call D"# @7#34 KC#)#.
The Iueal Scene is thought of in this way: What eviuence woulu I neeu
in my life to know that I am in a soul paitneiship. So, the Iueal Scene is
that fiist scene that comes to minu:
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Page SS of 62
Really fill that scene with as much sensoiy infoimation as possible, so
that it becomes iich anu full anu thiee uimensional.
Then sit anu focus on that on a uaily basis.
I cieateu a vision boaiu on New Yeai's Bay of the yeai that I met 0ina
anu theie weie thiee images of women on that boaiu - anu all of those
images hau women with uaik cuily haii. 0ina has uaik cuily haii. I
was veiy cleai on that image anu what it meant to me.
Yes, that's a physical, outwaiu thing that I was physically attiacteu to,
but within those pictuies weie also all these woius anu images of that
whole iuea of spiiitual paitneiship. It was all woven into these images
- so it was veiy cleai to me what it lookeu like anu what it felt like anu
what it was going to be like when I got it. That is key.
Now, the othei key is "letting go" because it's not going to show up
exactly like you think it is.
I hau two Iueal Scenes - anu when I met this othei woman befoie I met
0ina, I acteu out those Iueal Scenes with hei. I intentionally uiu it
because I knew "we'ie supposeu to go 'heie,'" so I took hei to that
place. I wanteu to "see" it happening anu I essentially tiieu to
manufactuie it - but when I met 0ina, it was extiemely oiganic.
We just enueu up in the places I saw in my Iueal Scenes, anu uoing
those things. It want until we weie "in" a ceitain place that I went, "0h,
wait a minute. I've seen this befoie. I know what's going on heie." That
it was a iealization in the moment. I uiun't have to "plan" anything. It
just unfolueu that way - the way of my Iueal Scene.
So, that's the powei of visualization.
0ina: I also want to shaie an expeiience of one of oui clients:
In hei Iueal Scene, when we askeu hei "What eviuence woulu
you neeu that you will have met youi soul mate." - foi hei it
was a fiist meeting with a man wheie they shaieu a laugh.
It was ieally impoitant to hei that they woulu shaie a laugh -
anu it was so cute, because she's in a ielationship now anu she
calleu me up a couple of weeks into the ielationship saying,
01&)32 1&)3- 6%, .%)/! =#4*#<# *!- @ ;#! !"*( 8,+ 3)7 .#/&# 73!*)8
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3)7 *! "3''#)#7 #E3C!4+ !"# .3+ @ '*C!,&#7 *!-> The way she hau
cieateu hei Iueal Scene.
Page S6 of 62
So, it's not that you'ie tiying - I love that Natthew pointeu that out. It's
not that you manufactuieu the scene to happen. It's that when it's
happening, it almost feels like a uj vu. You almost have that sense of,
01"2 @/<# =##) "#&# =#9%&#->
It's because youi minu has tiaveleu to that place befoie. It'll feel
familiai to you.
:#+$# !8+?# @'1 C+/,?
0ina: I also want to expanu a little bit on this notion of leaving space foi
something magical to happen.
We uefinitely woik with people in specific ways. We'll say, "Cieate a
list," anu we uo that in a veiy specific way about what you want.
Natthew uiu have a list.
Be hau a list of 2u items, anu we always jokeu that I'm 19 12 out of
the 2u items. Now I ieally uiun't have a list. I ceitainly hau my ueal-
bieakei list.
I hau an iuea of what I wanteu veiy specifically, but I uiun't wiite
uown a specific list of qualities. I left space foi the things I woulun't
think of.
I left space - foi me that space is uou, so if that woiks foi you, gieat,
but whatevei you want to put in theie.
I left space foi uou. uou is the univeise to suppoit me anu say, 0A%.-
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Page S7 of 62
So, I think it's impoitant to also leave that space foi that magic to
happen.
Yes, cieate the scene, visualize it, woik with it, anu when it shows up
you'll know - but eveiy single uetail might not be the same. You might
not be weaiing that black uiess you pictuieu youiself in. It might be a
ieu uiess anu that's okay.
It's the feelings that aie ieally impoitant. It's the emotion. It's what
you'ie feeling anu smelling anu tasting.
It's those visceial things that aie going to tell you you'ie in that iight
scene anu that you'ie with youi soul mate.



Page S8 of 62
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0ina: The iuea that you can't say the
wiong thing to the iight man is: If
he's the iight man, it's going to
woik out.
So, if it uiun't woik out anu he's saying it's ovei, honoi what he says. If
a man tells you, "I uon't want to woik on it. It's ovei," believe him.
What we get stuck in is this iuea of the iebounu, the coming back, the
iekinuling of something.
I like to ask oui clients2 0A%,47 +%, &3!"#& =# *) !"*( &#43!*%)("*' !"3!
+%, 5)%. *()/! .%&5*)8 %& .%,47 +%, &3!"#& "3<# #<#&+!"*)8 !"3! +%,/<#
=##) 7&#3;*)8 %9 "3<*)8 *) 3 &#43!*%)("*' .*!" (%;#=%7+ +%, 7%)/!
5)%. +#!F>
Anu eveiy single time eveiybouy picks the new uiscoveiy. The
uiscoveiy that they haven't expeiienceu yet.
We get stuck in this iuea of the peison.
You can't say oi uo the iight thing with the wiong man means - when
you show up authentically, anu you'ie in the piactice anu the uaily
piactice of loving, appioving anu accepting youiself, that man who is
youi soul paitnei will love anu accept you anu honoi you anu cheiish
you. Anu he'll uo all that in a way that you may nevei have nevei
expeiienceu befoie. You can't sciew that ielationship up.
I coulu sit heie anu stait shaiing with you examples of how Natthew
anu I have uisappointeu one anothei anu some people woulu say,
0A%.- O%. 7*7 +%, 8#! !% !"# %!"#& (*7# %9 *!F>
Well, it was easy to get to the othei siue of it because he's the iight
man foi me.
Page S9 of 62
Because a lot of Natthew's peisonal stuff is this iuea of
uisappointment. Be thinks that if he uisappoints somebouy, they'ie
going to abanuon him.
So, I get to show up anu say, "1"2 +%, 7*(3''%*)!#7 ;#- D"3! (,C5(- 1"
.#44- R#!/( ;%<# 9%&.3&7-" So, he can't sciew this ielationship up. I can't
sciew this ielationship up. It's not like I can suuuenly uo oi say
something that's going to make him say foiget it. I'm ovei it. I'm out of
heie. It uoesn't woik like that.
When you'ie in the soul mate
ielationship, youi paitnei will want to
giow with you anu leain with you anu be
with you anu face his own uemons.
Natthew: So, I'll give a specific example of this.
Eaily on in oui ielationship we hau one
of those ieally big soit of knockuown,
uiag out fights that went on until two in
the moining, anu at one point I hau a
iealization that in the past this was it.
That was my bieaking point.
I woulu have, in the past, walkeu out anu saiu, "I'm uone. I'm not going
foiwaiu with this," but I iealizeu in that moment that I uiun't want to
be uone. That theie was moie that hau to be uone. I actually stoppeu in
the miuule of that aigument anu saiu to 0ina, "This is the point at
which I woulu noimally leave anu I'm not leaving."
I think that's the place you get to. That's what we mean by you can't
say oi uo the wiong thing to the iight man because when you'ie in that
place it's like you'ie both heie to woik this out. Theie is no tipping
point at which the peison says "I'm uone. I'm leaving. That's it. I'm
out."
0ina: Anu what we want you to have the unueistanuing of - is that when
you'ie in the soul mate paitneiship, it's always with integiity. So, it's
not like suuuenly my ueal-bieakeis go away, but Natthew isn't the
kinu of peison who embouies those ueal-bieakeis. They uon't show up
in this human being.
When he "messes up" it's not like he's going to acciuentally hit me one
uay. That will nevei happen. This man is not capable of uoing that.
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Page 6u of 62
So, this iuea you can't say oi uo the wiong thing with the iight peison,
as long as you'ie showing up authentically anu being who you aie, that
peison is going to love you.
I heaiu this actually long befoie I believeu it to be tiue. I actually was
like... haiiumpheu. I heaiu this comment. It was: When you meet youi
soul mate they will love that thing about you that maue all the otheis
leave. They will love that thing about you. Anu I was like, "Yeah iight."
I uiu not believe that then, anu now I'u like to mouify it slightly. I'u like
to say: "They'll eithei love that thing about you - oi if it's something
that's ieally peiceiveu as a negative, they just uon't see you as
#;=%7+*)8 that quality.
I know this because eveiy single guy who evei bioke up with me saiu,
"You'ie too intense. You'ie just too intense. I can't take it. I'm out."
That was basically theii bieaking point. Ny "intensity." I coulu ask
Natthew now because he's heie. Baby, uo you think I'm intense.
Natthew: No. I think you'ie passionate, but uefinitely not intense. Anu I love that
passion you have. That's what I ieally love. It was on my list. Passion.
So, yeah, it's exactly that. Youi soul mate uoesn't see that thing about
you in the same way that all those othei people uiu.
Page 61 of 62
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Natthew: We actually chose to stait this
business togethei. It ieally comes
fiom just, fiist off, a seiies of soit
of synchionistic events. Then, we
lookeu at what biought us
togethei anu we went, 01"- A#442
!"3!/( ."3! .# &#344+ )##7 !% =#
7%*)8->
So, the fiist thing that happeneu was - we got an oppoitunity to speak
somewheie anu somebouy saiu, "We'u love to have both of you speak."
Ny wife is a manifestation coach anu I'm a hypnotheiapist - anu they
thought it'u be ieally fun to have us talk togethei.
So, we thought, "What aie we going to talk about." We staiteu ieally
uiscussing that anu iealizeu what we both have is a passion foi
ielationships - anu we just ueciueu to jump in anu cieate this business.
But the ieal back stoiy is moie about what we uiu to finu each othei
that became the backbone of what we uo.
0ina: 0ne of the things that happeneu is: When Natthew anu I, even when
we staiteu uating, veiy quickly we iealizeu that we both hau taken
veiy intentional paths to be in the place to ieceive one anothei anu to
ieceive this ielationship anu to step up anu ieally have what we call a
tiue soul paitneiship.
Anu we took veiy uiffeient paths. When you look at the uetails - as fai
as the woik we uiu on ouiselves sepaiately - it all hau a common coie.
It was all ieally tieu to oui ielationship with ouiselves. Foi each of us,
it was about oveicoming these soit of inteinal obstacles so we coulu
be in a place wheie we coulu ieally accept all the paits of ouiselves,
ieally be open to ieceive that one thing that we ieally wanteu anu not
settle foi anything less.
So, when we hau that oppoitunity to speak togethei anu ueciueu we
weie going to speak about ielationships - when we ieally staiteu
Page 62 of 62
looking at it, we iealizeu we hau all of this knowleuge anu all of this
backgiounu woiking with clients on uiffeient issues, but the coie issue
always came back to this iuea of youi ielationship with youiself.
So, it ieally evolveu fiom theie. The iuea of us being the "powei
couple" is ieally about helping oui clients step into theii own powei
anu into love. Love is such a poweiful feeling. It's such a poweiful
foice - anu so many people aie blockeu fiom ieceiving that one thing.
So, it was ieally about looking at what was oui path to each othei. Anu
then cieating ways to help othei people utilize those tools anu skills
we've honeu, so they coulu be open to ieceive love as well.
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Natthew: We get togethei with thiee people. It's the two of us as "the coach" anu
then oui client that we'ie woiking with. We've founu that it's a
seamless piocess. That we woik togethei veiy smoothly anu veiy
easily anu it flows back anu foith between the cognitive stuff that we
both know anu also what we call the tools of tiansfoimation that we
love to use.
So, when you get us, you get us anu you get us at the same time.



Finu out moie about 0ina anu Natthew anu the piogiams they offei to help you cieate the
love anu life you want at theii website CieatingLove0nPuipose.com