Who Wants to Go to Heaven

For years the Catholic Church has been suffering from decreased popularity worldwide due to its
infamous historical actions like the inquisition and the crusades. While Rome has always
received harsh criticism for these actions it was not until recently that they have blossomed into a
full-fledged crisis. According to officials in the inner Vatican circle, church membership is at its
lowest since the life of Martin Luther.

“History has always been a problem for us,” said Italian Cardinal Carlo Maria Martini, “We’ve
tried to make it go away with money, murder, and bribery but none of these sanctioned
immoralities were working for us. Church membership is diving quicker than an Italian soccer
star...we have reached an impasse.”

The problem was first recognized by the late Pope John Paul II who opened an exploratory
committee to find a solution to this pressing problem. While the committee has worked hard
over the years it has time and time again failed to produce the necessary means to draw people
back to the Catholic Church.

Perhaps its most ill-fated attempt was in 1992 when Spanish Cardinal Angel Suauia Goicoechea
proposed to “baptize the world” by vaporizing millions of gallons of holy water with nuclear
bombs above each continent. However, Pope John Paul II eventually refused to give his
permission over a disagreement about how many bombs should be used over Europe.

However, in early 2007 the fortunes of the committee changed in the most unexpected way.
While on a church related trip to the Archdiocese of Boston Cardinal Martini was sitting in his
hotel one night flipping through the channels when the game show Who Wants to be a
Millionaire caught his attention.

“It was mesmerizing,” Cardinal Martini recalls, “I was on the edge of my chair the whole time.
The last time I was that excited was when I was an alter boy, ages ago, and my local priest told
me I could finish the unused communion wine...I mean the blood of Christ.”

Cardinal Martini cancelled the rest of his itinerary in America to rush back to the Vatican where
he along with other senior Cardinals drafted a proposal for a new Catholic based game show
Who Wants to Go to Heaven.

According to the Vatican the format of the show will be similar to Who Wants to be a Millionaire
only all questions will pertain to the topics of religion and Catholic belief. Also, winners will
receive an “all sins forgiven pass to heaven” rather than 1 million dollars. However, there is
some contention on what should be rewarded as lesser prizes in the quest to get the “all sins
forgiven pass to heaven”.

One group led by American Cardinal Justin Rigali believes that incremental absolutions from
purgatory should be given to contestants mirroring dollar amounts awarded by the ABC show.

“Instead of winning $64,000 you will get 64,000 years off your punishment in purgatory,”
Cardinal Rigali explained, “along with a life sized statue of the Holy Virgin embracing the
likeness of you as a baby.”

However, another group led by Nigerian Cardinal Anthony Okogie believes that lesser awards
should be cash amounts given to selected charities in the name of the winner.

“Jesus and the Saints want us to help each other, Cardinal Okogie stressed, “if the Catholic
Church wants to improve its image then we better start correcting our selfish past.”

However, Pope Benedict XVI has openly stated that he is in favor of Cardinal Rigali’s plan
saying, “Cardinal Rigali’s plan fits into the long standing tradition that the Catholic Church
offers promises it can never keep.”

While the new game show is not set to start until mid 2008 Archdiocese across the world are
already reporting larger mass attendances.

“Last week we had five drunks, a washed up Hollywood star, two known con-artists, and 3,560
illegal aliens supplement our usual attendance of 18,” said Los Angeles priest Father Diego
Montoya.

To coincide with their new game show Who Wants to Go to Heaven Vatican officials are also
planning a sweepstakes similar to the one offered by Publisher’s Clearinghouse in which the
grand prize will be “an eternity at the feet of the Holy Virgin and Christ.”