news
Depression, Too, Is a Thing With Feathers
to do…[I] felt overwhelmed, ex- way of being dead.” Frank suffered from Depression, as defined by Solomon,
By Jen Hand hausted…everything was burdensome
and difficult.” Even-
depression for ten years, enduring med-
ication, ther-
is the “junction of genetic vulnerability
and external stimuli.” Essentially, it is
tually anxiety set in apy and an illness of how a person feels. So do
Getting close with a goat in a mar- and he thought electroshock what makes you happy. One woman
riage bed followed by a ritualistic sacri- “how can I even therapy until went through various medication, elec-
fice is how the natives of Khmer Rouge continue being alive he happened troshock treatment and years of therapy
deal with depression. The western when I feel like upon cingulo- before she realized that she could win
world does things a bit differently. At this…I couldn’t tomy, an inva- the fight by making thousands of little
least that is what Andrew Solomon, au- [even] say what I sive procedure knit teddy bears. Solomon recommends
thor of The Noonday Demon: An Atlas was terrified about.” that uses inci- starting treatment at the first sign of de-
of Depression, wants us to believe. Episodes like these sions in the pression and continuing regardless of
On Tuesday, October 28 Solomon vis- are typical to de- brain to dis- sustained mood improvement. Stop-
ited Stony Brook as a guest lecturer for pression and can solve depres- ping treatment often leads to a cata-
the Tenth Annual George Goodman last indefinitely. sion. Before strophic collapse, where a patient will
Memorial Symposium. He says that he However, The surgery he resume therapy again only to end it
had two objectives in writing The Noon- Noonday Demon is said, “[it is] once he or she feels better and then will
day Demon: to break down the idea of not exclusively the last thing have another breakdown. Such behav-
depression into an issue poignant to all about Solomon’s ex- I’m going to ior causes a certain level of toxicity to
cultures and socioeconomic classes, as periences over the try. If it the brain that makes recovery even
well as to write in a plain language that last decade and a doesn’t work I more difficult.
covered the disease from all perspec- half. Instead he re- have a plan to Solomon addressed the fact that
tives: philosophic, scientific, etc, that lates stories of oth- end it all.” He many are hesitant to get help because
everyone can relate to. ers in the midst of is now happily they are afraid that treatment will
Indeed, Solomon knows firsthand recovery. Such as married with change who they really are. His best ad-
what it is like to battle depression. In Laura Anderson two kids. An- vice is to give it a try; if you notice a
1994, he first suffered from episodes who says, “I looked at photos today and other, after shock therapy, said, “All my change and prefer who you were before,
after coming to terms with his mother’s they seem like snapshots of somebody life I’ve been in a small room with a then stop going to therapy and taking
death, a failed relationship, and a cross- else’s life…I miss the Laura who would thousand screaming children and for your meds. You’ll probably relapse.
Atlantic move. He says, “It was difficult have enjoyed the blue sky and sun- the first time, they’ve just left the build-
to do everything I would have wanted shine…depression is like a slow, slow ing.”
been cut drastically since this summer One of the proposed avenues to thing they can up there in regards to the
By Laura Cooper Esq. and further cuts have put the Univer-
sity’s budget in danger of a greater im-
ease students’ suffering caused by the
cuts is a tuition hike. This hike, built on
tuition situation.”
Akita believes that unless action is
pact on class sizes and major a tiered system, aims to drive up the taken, it is unclear how much the
Stony Brook University is in the availability. Since then, it seems, Albany price of tuition at SUNY schools slowly budget could continue to be cut. With
midst of receiving potentially the great- is looking to put education—specifically around the state. Stony Brook already under a hiring
est budget cuts in its 51-year history. the SUNY system – on the chopping Akita is an advocate of the hikes, freeze, meaning no new professors are
These cuts will affect students’ classes, block. This, a drastic turnaround from stating that he believes this will, “Help being hired, it is unclear if the cuts
facilities and professors and for some former Governor Spitzer’s plans to en- alleviate some of the problem,” adding mean that professors will be laid off and
students, may result in late graduation. hance SUNY to make it tantamount to that, “Stony Brook has delegates up at whether departments will shrink as a
The Undergraduate Student Govern- that of California’s state school system. SUNY Central, and they’re doing every- result.
ment, headed by President Jeffrey Akita, “People need to take off their blind-
is planning a rally to inform students of folds and see what’s happening,” said
what they could stand to lose at the Akita. “An array of problems face us.
hands of Albany’s mammoth budget Scholarships and loans could be af-
cuts to SUNY. fected; so could class sizes and profes-
The rally is to take place Wednes- sor availability, which could lead to late
day, November 19 during campus life- graduation. It’s hard to pinpoint just one
time, and its main goals, according to problem.”
Akita, are to “educate the students and The USG is also sponsoring a per-
to have them know where their money sonal letter writing campaign to Albany
is going.” that begins during the rally. Though
“We really can’t do anything after Akita believes the movement will start
they announce the cuts but assemble small, he thinks people will. “come out
and protest,” said Akita. “These cuts will of their rooms when they hear the anger
result in a huge drop off in the quality in our voices.”
of campus service and our education.” The letter campaign, which will run
The budget cuts in their entirety are from November 19 until March, con-
to be announced on Tuesday, Novem- sists of the USG providing students with
ber 18, one day before the rally. These the chance to write their own personal
cuts are to serve as an impetus to stu- letters about how the cut will affect their
dents when they realize what is at risk places at the University, directly to Al-
to be lost. bany. The pick up and drop off points
“As President, I don’t think it’s fair for these letters is at the USG office in
if any student or parent has to come up the Student Activities Center.
with the new cost of tuition and resi- “I want students to sit back and
dency because of the greed in Albany,” think of a class meant for 25 students,
Akita said, “You just don’t wake up with with 100 students,” said Akita, “I want
a deficit.” that to really sink into their hearts and
The New York State budget has minds.”
4 Vol. XXX, Issue 5 | Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Editorial Board
Executive Editor
editorials
James “Pantless” Laudano
Managing Editor
Emma Kobolakis
Associate Editor
Make Sure The New Albany
Najib Aminy
Business Manager
Katie Knowlton Brings Us New Policies
Production Manager
Tia Mansouri So another Election Day has come devote two articles in this issue alone to Perhaps you guys don’t realize the
News Editors and passed, and it seems that a lot of the single race between Caesar Trunzo gravity of what awaits you if these
Laura Cooper people are excited. Rightfully so, too. and Brian Foley (one of the few races budget cuts really hit us hard. Tuition
Jake Conarck, Where are you!? After eight years of a Republican Exec- the State Senate majority hinged upon.) here may increase every year from now
Features Editor utive Branch, we finally have a new A few of our editors have had the pleas- on. Many of us will have to spend an
Alex Nagler party in the White House. In addition ure of meeting the newly elected Sena- extra semester or year here due to the
Arts Editor to this transfer of power in Washington, tor Foley, and he seems like someone decreasing classes and faculties. The
Andrew Fraley we have a new party ruling in Albany. who has our interests at heart. Despite USG is holding a protest here on cam-
For the first time in over forty years, this, though, we need to hold him and pus on November 19. For once, we ap-
Photo Editor
Roman Sheydvasser Democrats hold the New York State the rest of the State Senate accountable. plaud the USG for at least making it
Senate and Governorship. So get out there are write letters. appear like they have our student body’s
Copy Editors
Cindy Liu However, with this change comes a Start and sign petitions. Call your dis- futures in mind. So get out, join the
Chris Mellides new opportunity for us at SUNY. tricts’ State Senators. Call Governor Pa- protest, and make sure that the new De-
Kelly Yu Whether or not you voted to put the terson if you’re feeling bold. Pester, mocrats in power know that even
Webmaster Democrats into power in Albany, you bother and annoy them for as long as it though we’re excited to see them in of-
Chris Williams now have a responsibility as a SUNY takes. Make sure that they know that fice now, they still have to do SUNY a
Audiomaster student to hold them accountable for al- they won’t get your vote next Election solid and keep our educations on track.
Andrew Fraley leviating the oncoming budget crises in Day if they gamble away our higher ed-
the state’s higher-education system. We ucation’s future.
Ombudsman
Jowy Romano
Minister of Archives
The SSK Countdown Returns!
Jesse Schopefer
Hello, intrepid readers, and wel- Kenny put it, “Beautifying the Campus.” Brook remained rather same-y for the
come back to the “Shirley Strum Kenny Not only was the insane amount of next three years. With the exception of
Layout Design by
Jowy Romano Fourteen Years, Fourteen Moments focus the University was putting on this the expensive traffic circle installed near
Staff
Countdown!” We were lazy last week campaign kind of baffling (they were Tabler (something very few would
and didn’t feature a SSK Moment, so sending notifications home touting the claim is “beautifying”) and the fountain
we’re gonna make up for it now by pro- whole “Beautify The Campus” move- installed outside the Wang Center,
viding you with two head-shaking, be- ment and hanging banners all over the Stony Brook received few noticeable up-
Habib Aminy Frank Loiaccono wildering examples of leadership by place) but it also completely shocked grades to its aesthetic appeal. And isn’t
Kotei Aoki Erin Mansfield
Ross Barkan Justin Meltzer President Kenny. We now present mo- many of us when we heard Kenny’s that what the whole huge campaign of
Vincent Barone James Messina
Raina Bedford Steve McLinden ments eleven and ten. budget for the next year devoted some- “Beautifying the Campus” was all
Matt Braunstein Samantha Monteleone
Tony Cai Frank Myles
First, we jump back a few years to where between five and ten million dol- about? Noticeable upgrades to cheer up
J.C. Chan Amyl Nitrate 2005. Many of our editors here were in- lars to the concept. students as they walk around campus?
Doug Cion Daniel Offner
Natalie Crnosija Chris Oliveri coming freshmen, eager to get their first Now, granted, the University wasn’t Oh, well. At least they planted some odd
Caroline D’Agati Ben van Overkill
Joe Donato Laura Paesano public glimpse into our University Pres- facing the same budget crises in 2005 medley of greenery around the Javits
Nick Eaton Grace Pak ident’s leadership skills. Well, what were that it is staring at now. However, de- Lecture Hall this year.
Michael Felder Rob Pearsall
Vincent Michael Festa Jon Pu we greeted with? A whole big to-do and spite all this blustering and the millions
Joe Filippazzo Aamer Qureshi
Amelia Fischer Dave Robin campaign focused on, as President of dollars poured into the project, Stony
Ilyssa Fuchs Jessica Rybak
Rob Gilheany Joe Safdia
David Knockout Ginn Natalie Schultz
Josh Ginsberg Scott Silsbe
Joanna Goodman Jonathan Singer
Jennifer Hand Rose Slupski
Stephanie Hayes Amberly Timperio
Andrew Jacob Lena Tumasyan
Elizabeth Kaplan Marcel Votlucka
Jack Katsman Alex Walsh
Liz Kaufman Brain Washer
Rebecca Kleinhaut Matt Thrillemain
Peter Langone Jason Wirchin
Iris Lin Jie Jenny Zou
Next, we stick with monetary pletely hell bent on getting this done.
art rec. center and we don’t, is our uni-
mishaps since it has been a common When discussing the project in Al-
versity’s safety endangered? Whatever.
theme these past few months with the bany earlier this March, Shirley re-
However, the real kicker from this
budget crises. Looking back to the ferred to a “recreation center
whole thing: It is going to cost us a
past ten months, we focus on Shirley’s arms-race” with other prominent uni-
projected 37.5 million dollars. Let us
newest obsession – the proposed versities around the nation. What the
repeat that. 37.5 million dollars. In the
Recreation Center. Much like her hell? A rec. center arms-race? What
middle of a fucking budget crisis.
“Beautify The Campus” initiative from does that even mean? If the University
Wow.
three years ago, Shirley seems com- of Maryland gets a new state-of-the-
20
I fucking
with the autumnal orange of the outside national Market line. The proteins,
E
foliage, which expectantly peered into ranging from roast chicken to chicken
the wide window of the dining area. marsala to beef stew, are solidly flavor-
X
crimson-haired coquette, purveying her reception buffet. The sides, pirated
plastic trays of deep-fried highway food from the Boston Market repertoire, are
to the masses. somewhat less satisfactory. The aberra-
R
With a smile and quadruple bypass
T
tion which was dubiously dubbed “mac-
guaranteed, the Wendy’s sign attracted a aroni and cheese,” is composed of stiff
Leviathan-like line. The other estab- macaroni and a ladleful of liquid cheese.
lishments encased in the utilitarian Meal points are better spent on fresh
R A
compound; Mama Leone’s, Seawolves salad and cooked vegetables, rare in
Subs and the International Market. Stony Brook and full of vitamins and
After waiting in the Wendy’s long nutrients which are lacking in all the
E
enough to chew off one’s own hand, other foods students eat on campus.
D
needing only a bun to put it on, the fa- Upon leaving the cafeteria, where
miliar “Old Fashioned” menu delivers deep-fat fryers gurgle up grease and
Wendy’s, as expected. A Frostie re- soda flows like the Bethesda Fountain,
M
mains Frostie-ish, like an ice cream sub- the true merit of the Roth Food Court is
!
stitute for infants except it is being realized—it’s location. Food is easily ac-
consumed by people who are old cessible from the Academic Mall and
E
enough to vote and take organic chem- from the dorms and when it’s 10:43 pm
istry. The french fries are an improve- and there remains a calculus test to
ment upon the limp and sweaty Stony study for that is when Roth Food Court
SB Basketball Player
Brook fry and the burgers and assorted will gain Le Cirque status in anyone’s
special combos are made to order and eyes.
fresh and hot…like many a Stony Brook
features
Risk: The Foreign Language Edition
President have not been realized.
By Natalie Crnosija The failure of NSLI was most tan-
gible in Afghanistan and Iraq, conflict
zones where having a Farsi or Arabic-
In September 2008, the U.S. Army speaking soldier is a sizable asset.
reported that, in spite of their efforts to Though there are Iraqi and Afghani
recruit speakers and students of strate- civilian interpreters being used on the
gically important languages, the num- ground by U.S. Army sources, their skill
ber of bilingual soldiers remains low, levels vary.
due in part to the uncertainty of a clear Given the new economic strains on
trajectory for language learning. The the United States government, the con-
Army’s announcement reflected the tinuation of such a far-reaching NSLI
general sentiment that language learn- program – where success is difficult to
ing within the United States was on the quantify in a short period of time – may
downturn, including language pro- be called into question.
grams at the nation’s universities. Presently, the grants that have al-
Strategic languages, which include ready been given have not been dis-
Arabic, Farsi, Chinese, Hindi and Russ- turbed. Stony Brook University has
ian, are languages of foreign countries received two grants for expanding their
whose potential threats to United States language programs.
are viewed as elevated by the Defense “The European Studies Depart-
Department. ment’s Slavic Language Program re-
In 2006, in reaction to the failure of ceived a $1 million grant from the State
the Defense Department to prevent the Department to fund the Study Abroad
attacks of September 11, President Bush Program in St. Petersburg, Russia,” said
proposed the National Security Lan- Professor Nicolas Rzhevsky, the Euro-
guage Initiative (NSLI). This initiative pean Studies Chair.
planned to “further strengthen national The Asian Studies Department re-
security and prosperity in the twenty- ceived a multi-million dollar grant to
first century through education…pro- increase the number of Asian Language
grams from kindergarten through courses offered. Presently, among the
university and into the workforce,” ac- above-mentioned strategic languages,
cording to Nina Powell, the Assistant Hindi and Chinese are offered through
Secretary of State for Education and the Asian Studies Department and Ara-
Cultural Affairs in 2006 in the NSLI bic is offered through the Linguistics
Brief. Department.
The program, for which President With budget cuts on the horizon,
Bush requested $114 million, is under cuts were made in the European Stud-
the control of the President, the Secre- ies Department. “Overall, we’ll be
taries of State, Education and Defense okay,” said Rzhevsky. “We teach 12% of
and the Director of National Intelli- all Humanities students with 5% of the
gence. Three years later, the Depart- faculty.”
ment of Defense’s success in
accomplishing the goals set out by the
The Press
Approves
of you
Learning
A Strategic
Language!
features
The 1908 Messina Earthquake
the Center for Italian Studies, made
By Robert Venosa the opening remarks. “There are
times when Mother Nature shows its
worst, but that is when man shows his
It is odd that the first instance in best,” said Mignone, in reference to
which I heard Shirley Strum Kenny the earthquake. He then went on to
speak was at a lecture on the Messina thank President Kenny for her im-
Earthquake of 1908 at a function hosted mense help and support in funding
by the Center for Italian Studies. It is the expansion of the Center for Ital-
odder yet to have heard a Southern ian Studies during her tenure, such as
twinge in her voice, which I had not ex- the most recent development, the es-
pected. The lectures lasted nearly four tablishment of Stony Brook in Flo-
hours with a short intermission. While rence. While I am intrinsically
the event was billed as starting at 8:30 inclined to be critical or suspicious of
a.m., it did not start for nearly an hour anything President Kenny has laid her
after that. But that was fine by my stan- hands on, I have to admit that her in-
dards, because I could observe the con- volvement in the Center for Italian
versations of the finest imports Italy has Studies, from what I understand, has
to offer – and by imports, I mean peo- borne mostly positive results.
ple. There were governmental repre- Although New York State Senator
sentatives and learned professors La Valle was unable to attend as
crowding the room. The captivatingly scheduled, his brother was present.
beautiful daughter of who I assume was He talked about their grandparents,
one of the presenting professors also master cabinet makers who hailed
helped smooth the initial delay. from Sicily, who had come to the United then proceeded to call Stony Brook his which played a critical role in the aid ef-
The 1908 Messina Earthquake, as I States because of the 1908 earthquake. “second home”, because of the Italian- fort in Messina, was not solely for the
learned, was Italy’s greatest modern nat- In reference to the current plans for American academic community here, exercise of brute strength – it was also a
ural disaster, claiming nearly 200,000 the construction of a bridge across the and called Professor Mignone his conduit for American humanitarianism
lives in Messina, Sicily and Reggio, Straits of Messina, Professor Mignone “brother” because of the close bond and generosity.
across the Straits of Messina in Calabria. spoke about how Professor Marcello they have forged over time. The Italian-American community
Prior to this presentation, I had as- Saija, of the University of Messina, also Santi Formica, Vice-President of in New York City, in a show of solidar-
sumed the only two active volcanoes in present, was opposed to that planned the Sicilian Regional Assembly, spoke ity and empathy with its countrymen
Italy that caused devastation and death bridge. He argued that the bridge was a about how the best kind of investment a back in Sicily and the mainland stricken
were Mount Aetna, in Sicily and Mount travesty on both aesthetic grounds and nation can make is a cultural one. In- by the disaster, pooled together over
Vesuvius, near Naples. But that is just a as an affront to the historical memory vesting in resources, projects, and lec- $90,000 for the relief fund. While this
bit of my ignorance seeping through – of the region, which would be marred ture series about Italian culture in other may not seem like a lot, consider that in
embarrassingly so, as I consider myself by the planned bridge. nations instills pride and knowledge of the early twentieth century, there were
a history buff. But learning is a constant “It is important to remember this Italian culture in Italians and others only 150,000 Italian-Americans in the
process, and I certainly gained a treas- event not only for the dead, but also be- abroad. city; furthermore, consider that they
ure trove of knowledge. cause, in many ways, it made Messina Francesco Talo, the Italian Consul were predominantly poor laborers.
Professor Mario Mignone, chair of as it is today,” said Professor Saija. He General of New York, remarked that This fundraising was in addition to the
natural disasters, being unavoidable, $500,000 appropriated by the United
must be taken as they are. While the States Congress to rebuild Messina and
occurrence of a natural disaster such as Reggio.
the 1908 Messina Earthquake (and the Prompted by the near-absolute de-
subsequent tidal wave), which killed struction caused by the 1908 earth-
hundreds of thousands and leveled 91 quake, Sicilian and Italian cities near
percent of the buildings in the region, fault lines have taken seriously the need
can be interpreted in a religious, natu- to construct sturdier, more earthquake-
ralistic, or fatalistic light, we must study resistant buildings. Similarly, Italy has
these disasters, lest we not know what is become a premier center of art and ar-
in store for us in the future. The 1908 chitecture restoration in the world; art
earthquake provided a seminal example damaged in floods in Venice and Flo-
of how individuals and institutions in- rence has needed expert restoration, as
teract in a disaster, and examining the has architecture devastated by earth-
event has given Italians and others quakes in the south and Sicily.
around the world greater insight into Largely because of the 1908 earth-
how better to deal with natural disas- quake, Italy today has one of the most
ters. well organized disaster response and re-
In the aftermath of the Messina lief infrastructures. This fact goes
earthquake, there was an unprece- against the stereotypical image of Ital-
dented display of international solidar- ians being laid back and disorganized.
ity, especially from the United States After the 2004 Asian Tsunami, Italian
and Russia. President Theodore Roo- relief teams outperformed the other Eu-
sevelt showed that American power, as ropean relief teams by getting to the vic-
exemplified by the Great White Fleet, tims much more rapidly.
The Stony Brook Press 11
features
Oh, Subterranean World!
Stony Brook’s tunnels, woods, and assorted places where you can be
caught doing the hard core drugs that all your friends know you do.
By Alexander Moreno
“Gorbachev’s not downstairs. He’s who recounted several excursions he
at Tunnel.” took into the steam tunnels. He de-
There is a smell of subtle chemical scribed them as, “not terribly well-kept
fumes and an ash grey color to the paint with spare parts from machines scat-
underneath pipes, grating and graffiti. tered around,” and doors found, “hang-
Rumors of cameras and trip wires to ing off their hinges leaned against their
scare off would-be travelers keep this frames.” He also stated that there are,
spot quiet and seldom traveled. The “lots and lots and lots of asbestos,” all
floor is stained with trails of a rust-col- over them.
ored brown that go for yards across the A surprising wealth of graffiti is
ground. Tags that cover everything dotted around the tunnels and their en-
from incoherent ramblings to drawings trances. For those with an appreciation
of angry faces, happy faces, chicken of graffiti artwork there is a decent
scratch handwriting and bubble letters, showcase of tags around the tunnel
are visible on the walls. The hums and sites, depicting everything from ama-
murmurs of machinations creep in and teur graphs, to more daring large scale
out as pressure generators and steam pieces.
valves click on and off in their auto- Ryan Walsh, a junior, explained the they’re for and much more about where border of the West Apartments and
matic cycles. These are the maintenance tunnel graffiti: “Tons of people wrote on the entrances are, which no, I will not Roosevelt Quad, the dense thicket of
tunnels beneath Stony Brook’s Com- this one door. It had drawings of curved tell you. Go out and find out for your- bamboo stalks sits in a quiet wooded
puter Science buildings and Javits Lec- bricks to give it a three dimensional il- self. It is not that hard; there are no trip area adjacent to pits and hills that also
ture Hall that stretch across the full lusion, and had ‘Welcome to the tunnel, wires, lasers or night vision surveillance may serve your explorative impulses.
distance of the campus. you’re going to die’ written on it. He de- cameras. So if the phrase, “Lots and lots Along with the woods are some other
Attracting explorers of all kinds, the scribed a lot of the graffiti as “conversa- and lots of asbestos,” doesn’t scare you, curious sites. The Engineering depart-
tunnels are one of a number of locales tional” with the appearance that people then grow a pair, ask around, and see ment has a model lunar lander that sits
that freshman will no doubt hear about had returned to reply to previous artist’s where your curiosity takes you (always on the road between the SAC and the
in conversations and rumor somewhere work and back and forth in what he within campus rules and local law en- Tabler Steps. The roof of the Earth and
between ripping off their essays from called, “Weird, existential shit.” forcement guidelines, of course). Space Science Center is home to the
Wikipedia and mixing uppers and Their forms and functions are Miscellaneous Bamboo campus’s high-powered reflection tele-
downers at those parties where they strictly to keep the campus functioning There are plenty of other unique lo- scope. Linking Tabler and Roosevelt
shouldn’t be. The tunnels themselves and to provide the resources it needs to cales on Stony Brook’s campus. Spots quads is a shortcut spot known to stu-
are active steam tunnels with similar operate. The allure of the tunnels is an like the bamboo forest and adjoining dents as the “rape path.” The name has
likes across Long Island, with almost aesthetic one. They stretch for very long woods and pits are some you may end since become a joke; there are no docu-
identical architecture found at most distances across the campus, lined with up hearing about. Tabler resident mented rapes or robberies that have oc-
American campuses. Colleges typically the same repetitive patterns of pipes and Amanda Yu, 18, described the bamboo curred on the wooded path.
winding cables with loads of, “WARN- forest as, “One of Stony Brook’s few true As with any exploring, be careful,
ING HIGH VOLTAGE,” and, “CAU- hidden gems.” It is a spot that, though research, and be mindful that not all
TION HOT SURFACE,” signs hanging much smaller than it used to be after spots are going to grant you permission
off the deadly things you’re not sup- years of abuse, is still able to preserve it’s to enter. So keep a lookout, and, as al-
posed to touch or inhale. Upon enter- own ”aesthetic beauty”. Located on the ways, “Fuck da police.”
ing, one encounters a post reading
“STOP. CAUTION: Asbestos materials
present. Before entering or doing any
work in this area... contact ‘Environ-
mental Health and Safety Department,”
then states a phone number that curi-
ously is not in service and has long since
been disconnected. On a sidenote, with
a little luck and a crowbar, you can get
yourself more impressive room decora-
tions than those posters they peddle to
Club Spotlight:
sbpressnews@gmail.com
By Jon Singer
ergy resources. Debates are simple: lieve in a God). “It was far too esoteric,” basis. “Letting women have rights,”
whoever last spoke calls on the next says Carley. If the club ever does make it jokes one member, is a sin that he com-
person. After one person suggested that to having USG recognition, they plan to mits, along with not following the Sab-
Practically all of the members of the Australians could extract usable energy use their money to place a massive piece bath and to some extent, gluttony. The
Stony Brook Free Thinkers are atheists from very hot rocks in the Outback, an- of paper in front of the SAC for people members went out to Wendy’s after the
(there’s one deist), but they still have Friday meeting.
praise for a dead man: Socrates. Bi- “So many people find atheism so
weekly meetings of the SBU Free offensive,” says Free Thinker Alicia
Thinkers follow the Socratic method Kanauer. As a new club, SBU Free
style of discussion, forums with unreal Thinkers has yet to be ostracized, al-
moderators because technically the club though some being has been taking
isn’t real yet. down the club’s flyers, which were put
Set to apply for USG funding at the up in bathroom stalls and stairwells
next possible opportunity, the free around campus. “No God? No Prob-
thought club at Stony Brook runs lem,” said one flyer.
around 20 members deep. They meet in But members say that the most
Union room 247, the room adjacent to heated debate so far was over gun con-
where Muslim students pray. Vice Pres- trol, followed by the debate over drugs.
ident Mike Carley says his group has a Vice President Carley himself is
good relationship with the Muslim stu- “straight edge,” meaning that he doesn’t
dents. But while members admit that drink, smoke or do drugs. While he ob-
one who believes in God would be ex- viously didn’t go straight edge to please
cluded “by default” at one of their meet- anyone but himself, twice a week he en-
ings, any and all Stony Brook students gages in what he calls “discussions of
are welcome to attend, just like a meet- morality.” With some more money, SBU
ing of the School’s Intervarsity Christian Free Thinkers plan to take a trip into
Fellowship. New York City to hand out donated
“It’s more a philosophy club than coats to homeless people, not homeless
anything else,” says Carly. He says that people in a shelter, but literally random
meetings strive to be self-moderating, homeless people living on the street.
which is easy when most, if not all, other member offered a suggestion that to write constitutional amendments and That eliminates the chance of a conflict
members share the same viewpoints. was closer to home: putting solar panels new legislation. of interest because churches run many
please note this is just a coincidence. Please note that Newsday ran a
By Howie Newsberkman Rather it is because the Governor has headline titled, “Paterson Eyes Public
said that he plans to cut school aid by College Tuition Increases.” We at The
more than half and increase SUNY tu- Stony Brook Press hold the honorable
Gov. David Paterson is facing a ton ition by fourteen percent. Governor David Alexander Paterson in
of adversity these days. On top of being A fourteen percent hike for SUNY the highest regard and find a cruel
both blind and black, he is also married. equates to $600 and would increase headline poking fun at his disability
On top of that, he experimented with Stony Brook’s tuition to $4,950, fifty sophomoric, immature and unprofes-
coke, like the President-elect of the dollars below the Tuition Assistance sional.
United States of America, who is also Program limit. A spokesman of Gov. Governor Paterson is one of the few
black…pause…not. He is only half Paterson and the Stony Brook adminis- prominent blind political figures in
black, but apparently that means he is tration could not be reached before the America. And he is black. This is just a
black. The fact that they are both black time of publication. coincidence.
and experimented with cocaine is just a The possibility of an increase in the
coincidence. gas tax was touched upon as well, but
While many hockey enthusiasts re- Paterson said he would try to avoid this,
member November 12 as the day the according to The Associated Press. The
New York Islanders tied the Detroit Red New York State Legislature is to convene
Wings 1-1 to end their ten game losing with Gov. Paterson on November 18 to
streak, higher education enthusiast will discuss his new proposals and to deal
remember the date as Black Wednesday. with the fiscal situation looming over
“Are these my fingers?”
It is not because Gov. Paterson is black; SUNY’s future.
14 Features Vol. XXX, Issue 5 | Wednesday, November 12, 2008
One… two… the moment was here… Many of my friends opted for unique and graceful with her chopsticks
THREE! My hands dashed straight to- complex designs when they had their but she was no match for me.
wards the scrumptious egg tart before me. Henna done. One person had a cobra I taunted her and unloaded
Egg tarts are comprised of the following done on his right arm while another per- my final jello cup just as she
ingredients: egg yolks, sugar, flour and son had Chinese symbols done on his left was bringing her last Jello
more sugar. I tried to pry the egg tart from arm. The photo shoots were mainly dom- cup over.
its aluminum cage, but to no avail, the inated by women as male attendees were I tried my luck at the gold-
egg tart was firmly stuck to the foil. Sur- reluctant to don the kimono. fish table. Clients exchanged
prised at this unforeseen obstacle, I des- Nevertheless, many of the guys pres- their tickets for 3 ping pong
perately shoved the egg tart into my face; ent preferred to learn how to fling deadly balls. In front of the cus-
hoping that I could consume the tart egg paper shurikens. To be fair, the patrons tomers were a series of cups.
tart before anyone else. Crusts of egg tart weren’t able to make full use of the dy- Everyone who wanted a
rained down upon the table, but I paid no namics of the shurikens but a Japanese at- goldfish had to successfully
heed at the crumbs. Then to my dismay, tendant showed me how to use it toss a ping pong ball into a
the person on my right raised his arms in correctly. He explained that it’s all in the cup. At first this appeared
triumph, he finished it. I was still chew- wrist not the arm. Just as quickly as he easy but of course there had
ing. This was the egg tart eating compe- explained it, he flicked a paper shuriken to be a catch! Some of the
tition and the start of a fun filled night. at the wall. Where it made a loud snap cups were empty and some
While I wiped the flakes of egg tart from and fell to the floor. It is worth mention- had marbles inside. Cus-
my mouth, I made my way to the food ing that I spent a good portion of the night tomers could only win a
table. I walked away from it with a cup learning how to properly use one. Who goldfish only if their balls
of ginger ale and a generous portion of doesn’t want to be proficient with a landed in a cup with marbles.
food in the other. shuriken? Empty weren’t counted as a
CASB’s Cultural Carnival, co-spon- Another game that was challenging win. This was a game of skill
sored by ASA, JCA, SASA and VSA, was transporting Jello cups with chop- and luck. Despite the over-
was a spectacular event full of games, raf- sticks. Sounds easy right? For the price of whelming odds, I put my
fles, tickets and of course, plenty of nour- one ticket, any cusomer could face an- skill to good use and walked
ishment. Attendees could exchange their other competitor in a race to bring all the away with three goldfish. cess and I can confidently say that many
SAC tickets for game tickets. Tickets Jello cups to the other side. The most CASB’s Cultural Carnival was a well students will look forward to the Cultural
could then be spent like money where pa- challenging part of the competition was organized event that drew many students Carnival next year.
trons could have Henna done, have their of course, picking up the cups without it out for a fun night. From the guess the
picture taken while wearing an elaborate slipping away. My friend and I happened number of fortune cookies in a container
kimono and lastly, win bags of goldfish. to compete against one another. She was to lion dancing, the event was a total suc-
AA E-Zine Vol 20 N 4 Nov 2008 Printed in SBU Press Vol 30 N 5 Meetings every Friday 2:30 PM in Student Union 71
www.aa2sbu.org/aaezine
16 Vol. XXX, Issue 5 | Wednesday, November 12, 2008
It was a week into my job hunt and the process I ended up learning a lot were all pretty cool people. Two of the small item that he carelessly dropped
I was growing positively frustrated at about myself and my kinks. This por- reviewers were gay. So, when Jessica on the table. The lighting at the bar was
what seemed like a fleeting prospect of tion of my contract solidified the fact gave them a bundle of porn to divvy up so poor that I couldn’t make out what
finding work at a sex rag. Early on, I that yes, I am a pig. So, the terms of my they scanned the stack of beat flicks this thing was at first. It danced like a
decided that sleazy online publications employment were pretty straightfor- and feverishly tore through the DVD top and shimmered. It nearly bounced
were my ticket to becoming gainfully ward. The position I attained wasn’t shrink-wrap like a pack of wolves that into my basket of seafood, but once it
employed in the porn industry. So, for going to pay, but I was to keep all of the had just been tossed a bloody rib eye. laid flat I noticed that it was a very
many long hours, I found myself large cock ring. Sanford smirked and
slumped over my laptop, where I sent told my shocked coworker that he had
out e-mails like crazy. A heaping list of a big mouth then he asked, “Hey dip-
online magazines that specialized in shit, can you fill that?” Fucking crazy.
adult film reviews and other racy con- So, there I was with a dozen adult
tent made their way into my crosshairs. films in my possession, I was a little
During the wait, my attention span was weirded out and full on calamari and
cut in half and I contemplated throw- good beer. It was funny, everyone else
ing in the towel. But, without warning, had brought knapsacks to carry their
the opportunity fairy decided to pay smut back home with them and I did-
me a visit. n’t think to do so. I asked our waiter if
Apparently, monicasreviews.com he had any bags behind the bar. He did,
was interested in hiring yours truly. and to my dismay he handed me one
Monica seemed like she’d be a cool em- that was clear and plastic. Naturally, I
ployer. She was a punky editor whose was a little embarrassed, considering
publication specialized in pay site re- that I had $350 in pornography tucked
views. Well, when it came to discussing away in a see-through bag that I had to
the terms of my employment, she lug around the busy Manhattan streets.
asked me how much I would ultimately When I got back to Pennsylvania
charge. Considering that I would be as- Station my train had just reached the
signed to watch full-length pornos and tracks and I ran like a madman to catch
generate content tailored to fit a 450 it. All the while the many eyes of those
plus word-count per review, I decided people I nearly knocked over while try-
that my going rate would be ten dead ing to reach my track platform locked
presidents for every article written. It on the contents of my bag of shame.
seemed fair to me. Monica, however, I pushed my way inside the train
could not afford the payout. So, we left and was nudged in the back by some
on good terms and I continued my kid with a huge duffle bag. The flicks
quest, newly motivated and way horny in my bag nearly spilled onto the floor.
to boot. The person who accidentally hit me of-
After more searching I discovered fered me an apology and when I turned
the Sex Herald, a large online publica- around to face him I realized that he
tion with offices in Manhattan. I con- and I went to high school together.
tacted Jessica, the editor of said Great.
publication, and she got back to me films I reviewed plus, I would be The infamous and elusive Sanford, Holy shit, I thought. My former
after only a few short hours. Sanford, awarded a byline. Not too shabby. who some of the Herald staffers had classmate looked at me funny during
the publisher, also contacted me and A few weeks later my editor told yet to meet, arrived late to the show. the whole ride and I could see why. It
requested some sample work. I me that there was going to be a film re- This Sanford is a pretty creepy dude. was a bad scene, man. He hadn’t seen
whipped up a fairly good review on a view team meeting in Manhattan. I was After he got settled and ordered a me in years, I was sweaty and out of
little film called Teen Fuck Holes 7, star- set to meet Jessica, my fellow staff, and vodka double he started asking me lots breath from all of that running and I
ring my favorite starlet, Veronique Sanford. The whole thing was great. I of questions. His acute paranoia came looked like the biggest pervert on the
Vega. I attached the file to an e-mail, took the train into the city to sit in at a through strong during our chat. He fucking planet with all of that smut in
clicked ‘send’ and waited anxiously for magazine meeting, how fucking cool is asked me what I was into, sex-wise, my possession. What were the odds?
a reply. As it happened, they both loved that? whether or not I engaged in fucking That train ride home was an interest-
the critique and I got the gig. Bing, The meeting was at some gay bar and how good a writer I thought I was. ing one; there was no doubt about that.
bong, bing. I was now officially part of that was ranked number one in the big After introducing some questions of The silence was stifling and you could
the sex industry and I was positively city. It was a beautiful establishment. my own, Sanford was convinced that I tell that my dear high school buddy, a
thrilled that my writing found a home. The meals and drinks were all paid for, was a cop. The whole thing seemed doctor to be, thought that I was pure
Sanford sent me a contract to fill courtesy of Sanford. So I decided to go nuts. scum.
out along with additional paperwork. all out. I ordered a basket of fried cala- At this point, one of the staffers But, at least I had embarked on the
One sheet in the mess of files asked me mari and some imported beer priced at made an off-color comment at San- job of my wet dreams. All was right
to list my favorite genres along with nine dollars a bottle. I met my editor ford’s expense. Outraged, my publisher with the world.
ones that I would never jerk off to. In and the rest of the review team. They reached into his pocket and produced a
The Stony Brook Press 17
Student Faculty
Staff Retreat
Demystified
By Alex Nagler & Tia Mansouri
The Student Faculty Staff Retreat is aspects of the National Survey of Stu- ment should be no surprise to regular was the mysterious shuffle board every-
a tradition nearly half as old as Stony dent Engagement (NSSE), and working readers. If you want to listen to a com- one kept referencing? While the Glen
Brook, dating back to 1984. The Retreat lunches. President Kenny even made an pany called the Princeton Review, that Cove Mansion boasts walking trails, a
has been instrumental in implementing appearance, giving a special talk about is. fitness center, indoor pool and jacuzzi,
a variety of important changes that have the impact the event has had over the However, the satisfaction questions massage sessions and various room
benefited the University; developments years and what we can hope to gain yielded an interesting result: students amenities, most recreational activity
include Alternative Spring Break, the from not only the weekend, but contin- who were engaged in educated conver- happened on the second floor, past the
marching band, and possibly the most ually working to advance our under- sations with people of different ethnic- double staircase, in what was known as
important of all the implemented graduate educational experience. ities and backgrounds were some of the “The Pub.” Quickly, the reporters
changes, Campus Lifetime. Each Re- The NSSE, pronounced “Nessie” by happiest respondents. Multiculturalism trekked up to said Pub, waiting to see
treat is themed to try to enact the most all those in attendance is a nation-wide seemed to breed happiness in these sit- what madness would unfold. What they
focused change, with the 2008 theme survey with one branch conducted by uations, which is a good thing, as Stony were greeted with was shocking: profes-
being Enhancing Undergraduate In- the SUNY system to gauge the involve- Brook is certainly filled with diversity. sors and administrators acting human.
volvement. ment and experiences of the various After the findings were presented
This year, The Press sent two in- campuses. Stony Brook took the data certain faculty and staff members de- Gone were the ivory towers, off
trepid editors, Alex Nagler and Tia provided and compared it to 11 other bated the validity of the survey, in one were the neckties. Books were replaced
Mansouri, to infiltrate the Retreat and American Association of Universities of the more heated discussions of the with shuffleboard pucks, spreadsheets
try to figure out what really goes on in members, the elite 62 member organi- weekend. One argument was that since with billiards balls, and test tubes with
during this supposed academic getaway. zation of research universities that the average grade of those who re- Jenga blocks. It was strange, but not en-
After somehow gaining acceptance to Stony Brook is a member of, that were sponded to the survey was a C, it there- tirely unwelcome to refer to various
the lofty halls of the Seawolf Bohemian large public research universities. It also fore comes as no surprise that Deans, whose letters of recommenda-
Grove located at Glen Cove Mansion, compared them to 11 other universities self-selected underachievers, upset with tion could make or break a graduate
Friday November 7, the two ambled on that were similar to Stony Brook in the university due to their grades, school application, by their first names.
to the compact coach bus and went terms of the applicant profiles. The re- would give dissatisfied responses. “For Team building activities allowed all
where no Press Staffer had gone before. sults, divided between freshmen and all we know,” one professor argued, “we those in attendance to establish rap-
Upon arrival, they were greeted by senior respondents, were statistically could be comparing the disgruntled C ports where normally there would be
something that did actually seem aca- negligible with the exception of cate- students of Stony Brook to the satisfied none. The College Bowl, enthusiasti-
demic in nature. There were scheduled gories dealing with overall satisfaction. A students of Indiana.” cally hosted by Alex, grouped students,
talks on what made an educated person, Being the Princeton Review’s “Third From there, what it means to be an faculty and staff together to answer
break off groups discussing the various Unhappiest University,” this develop- educated person was discussed, and we trivia questions. Amidst Alex’s various
all agreed: we don’t references to Legends of the Hidden
know. Reading every Temple and everyone coming to the
book in a library doesn’t firm conclusion that Professor Kerber
make an individual an should try to become Jeopardy cham-
educated person. Presi- pion, the game was just one example of
dent Kenny mused that how the weekend created new connec-
nothing learned is tions and relationships. In all, the Re-
everything wasted, re- treat was what its name implied - a
stating the importance chance to get away from the Stony
of her undergraduate Brook societal norms and act human.
education in journalism Oh, and Tia came within 15 points of
and how sometimes be- linguistics professor Mark Aranoff at
coming an academic ad- Scrabble.
ministrator occurs Overall, the Retreat was a grand old
through a series of time for those who participated, allow-
happy accidents. ing students to get off campus for a day,
All seemed merely aca- play some games, and contribute to the
demic at first, but then future of the University. It’s recom-
the clock struck 8:30, the mended for anyone who wants to po-
designated relaxation tentially enact systematic change from
period. The reporters within, and even if that’s not your bag,
wondered: What would there was nary a Chartwells label to be
it be made up of? Would seen on any of the food.
there be beer? And what
18 Features Vol. XXX, Issue 5 | Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Arts’n’Chaos
This year featured the opposite, as suitable for Greenwich Village, she two messages on them: “I’m pretty shy
By Jon Singer with David Giacofei turning his this
time clothed body into a canvas, hand-
was strung up like a marionette with
tape over her mouth and strategically
and don’t like speaking out in public so
I wrote this as opposed to saying it
ing out washable markers for artists to placed strings scattered throughout her aloud. What is your opinion of me?”
Chaos of sorts overran room 4232 write on him. One person wrote, “Thug performance. Some signs read, “You are versus “I really don’t give a fuck what
of the Staller Center on Monday. Life.” Another wrote “Welcome to ugly,” “Bikini body” and “Perfection.” you think and I don’t speak in class
Chaos that was extracted from a simple Thunderdome,” while someone else The danger came when the performer much because I couldn’t care less about
assignment given by Professor Grady drew a smiling dinosaur on the canvas’ held up a pair of scissors, encouraging your opinion, but I need it for the proj-
Gerbracht: “Make a gesture that is en- arm. “To me, this is more of a self com- her classmates to set her free. But with ect. So what do you think of me.” Re-
acted multiple times and has a signifi- mentary for each person,” said Giaofei. the support of her classmates, the blind sponses ranged from “You’re pretty rad”
cance the audience can understand.” Then there were the expletives that peo- artist was able to participate without written on the former message, to “Yes
Some gestures lasted a few minutes. ple wrote. “I didn’t lay down any bound- any tragic cutting incident. “Everyone is I will marry you,” on the latter. Brous-
Others, like Andrew Broussard’s praise aries,” he said before walking out of class equal in the eyes of mathematics,” said sard’s response was “Triangle, square,
for “The Prophet Fourier” and “The with “B——” written on the back of his Broussard, as he helped Concepcion cut circle.”
Church of Mathematics and Science,” shirt. a string. Kaoru Kitamura gave each student
took place over the course of the three- Another student, whose name will Then there was Chris Sorto, who five seconds to draw what the previous
hour class. At half past each hour from also be censored, performed a mono- performed by shaving his face, brush- student had drawn (another piece that
four to seven, Broussard walked to the logue recalling a time when her charac- ing his teeth and going to bed. He re- Concepcion found difficult). Essen-
corner of the room and prayed to the ter performed sexual favors for concert mained asleep for a good portion of tially, what started off as a guitar ended
chalkboard. tickets and over $78 worth of lingerie. class, sleeping on a table in front of the up as a smiling face. Sophie Shi stood in
Written on the board were math She even started off her performance chalkboard that Broussard would pray a flowerpot and literally watered herself,
equations, but Stephanie Concepcion naked, and proceeded to dress up in to (he went as far as getting on his knees while “Adie Subliminal” sold medica-
couldn’t see them. She willingly kept her what she claimed to be the expensive and praying). “There is always a tion that she said would cure ugliness,
eyes shut for the duration of class, miss- lingerie in question. sleeper,” said Professor Gerbracht. “This obesity, dullness and stupidity. “Because
ing her classmates’ pieces of perform- Some looked away at the student’s one we get the hygiene ritual before- taking pills is fun,” she said, as she
ance art. “As chaotic as it is, it’s definitely exposed breasts, while Concepcion, still hand.” downed a pill with a bottle of water.
a fun one,” said professor Gerbracht, re- in character, didn’t see them at all. “Per- “It would have been cool if he Then there was the student who
ferring to past years of madness that in- formance art doesn’t work for blind shaved his head,” said one classmate. acted like a journalist, some sort of re-
cluded a student wearing nothing but people,” she said. “It’s unfair and dis- As the most soft-spoken member of porter for a campus newspaper. “It be-
post-it notes. criminatory.” Gerbracht’s ARS 205 class, Malcolm comes art when people see their name
It became art when that student en- Things were dangerous when Carrott worked to offend some while and work in the paper,” he says.
couraged her classmates to peel off the Heather Hall presented her piece. reaming humble to others. He handed
post-its at will. Dressed in fashion that one described out pieces of paper, each with one of
arts&entertainment
By Ilyssa Fuchs
people into the venue. I had never been
to the Knitting Factory before, so I was
surprised at how small and personal it
Busta Ryhmes is a hip-hop legend. actually was. At that point I was really
Throughout his career, he has released thinking, “Damn, this is a VIP exclusive
over seven albums, gone on several event and how lucky am I to be one of
world tours and laid down tracks with 200 people seeing Busta tonight, for
some of the biggest names in the music free!” For about an hour they had a
game. With all of his popularity, Busta guest DJ playing hip-hop, new and old,
easily could have played Madison and the crowd was loving it. There was
Square Garden and quite possibly even a screen up with a number to text if you
sold out the entire stadium, but he did- wanted to put a message up for every-
n’t. Instead, Busta did a free concert for one in the venue to see. Everyone was
200 of his fans at the Knitting Factory texting in with things like “Queen’s in
on Leonard St. in the Financial District, the building” and their MySpace page
and I had the great pleasure to be in at- URL’s. I didn’t hesitate to text in “Vote
tendance. 4 Obama,” which got a loud cheer when
Last week, one of my close friends it came up on the screen. At 10pm,
told me that he had two tickets for an Busta’s opening act, Pacific Division,
exclusive VIP concert for Busta’s true took the stage. Pac Div, as they call
fans. Of course I was excited about the themselves, is a group of three young
No words needed.
whole event because it isn’t too often men from Los Angeles; although no-
you get to see a legend in such a small body in the crowd had really heard of
venue. Busta is a real hip-hop artist them, the repetitive hooks and beats
who plays for the fans. made it easy for them to pick up the cigar and the audience went wild. Black got personal with the crowd, made peo-
When we arrived at the Knitting lyrics. They performed for about a half and white folks alike threw up their ple laugh and even endorsed Senator
Factory, I was surprised at how long the hour and then made their exit. At this hands as Busta started performing his Obama for President. Of course there
line was, considering we had gotten point, the crowd was getting a bit antsy first song. I was so caught up in the was gratuitous use of the N word and
there early as told. We waited on line and everyone was just about ready to music and the action that I couldn’t even more gratuitous use of marijuana
for about an hour and bullshitted with see Busta come on and do his thing. even tell you what he did first. What I on stage, to which he said, “I don’t give
the people around us. We even met a At 11pm on the dot the screen went can tell you is he is amazing because of a fuck about security,” before going right
chick from Italy who had been living in up, the stage went dark, and when the his legendary stature and the massive into the next track. Notably, he made a
the US for only five months, but said lights went back up there was Busta and number of tracks he has recorded over point that real hip-hop artists do not go
she wouldn’t pass up the chance to see his posse on stage. Busta lit up a giant his career. He had so many songs to on stage and rap over their own tracks,
choose from, and he did his best to do they do the tracks live, and anything
as many as possible. He would start a they can do in the studio, they can do
song and then say, “Nah, I really don’t on the stage. He ended the show with
feel like doing that one,” and then go what he calls, “The Arab Money
right into another one. He even took Dance,” which he claims is now being
requests from the audience. He did new done in every country all over the
stuff and old stuff, ranging from “Case world, and told everyone to go out and
of the PTA,” the song which made him buy his new album when it drops in
famous in the mid-90’s, “Break Ya February. Overall, I’d have to say Busta
Neck”, his part of the Ying-Yang twins was amazing. His energy and the way
song “Whistle,” “Gimme Some More,” he worked the crowd is something that
“Tear Da Roof Off,” “Put Ya Hands only he could accomplish. To step back
Where My Eyes Can See,” “Make it a second and realize that it’s more im-
Clap,” and so many more. His stage portant to do a small concert for your
presence was incredible, and the way he real fans rather than a large one that
worked the crowd had everyone sweat- makes you a whole lot of money, but is
ing. He did Caribbean tunes, “Woo- so impersonal. Finally, if you want to
Hah Got You All in Check,” and even see a show that gives you a work out,
brought Q-Tip out on the stage for a then Busta is the show to see because he
guest appearance to perform “Scenario” had the crowd going almost non-stop
and “Vibrant Thing.” He mentioned for just about an hour. Kudos Busta
how the reason he could do so many Bust!
Busta, all up in yoʼ grill
songs was because he had hits, even
ones people forgot. Between songs, he
22 Vol. XXX, Issue 5 | Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Members of Barack
Mystery man
Obama’s Cabinet
When he looks at me and thinks me asleep
To hold my soft brown hand in his hand
As we sit in his Camaro and listen to Radiohead
Or some band like that
Special Bonus:
A man man whose heart glows with
Melted bars of color connected
Surgeon General
a blend of Persion vibes who
collapse warmly against one another
Gregory House,
shoulder to shoulder, those vibes
MD
Enchante!
Secretary of Agriculture:
He could make my heart race faster and harder
Than the blades of a finely made fan
10
John Deere
I heard him speak
A Dever cello caught in his throat
Secretary of the Interior:
A verse spilled forth a clumsy growl
I heard him speak
9 Martha Stewart
A handmade Valentine
Secretary of Education:
A crayon cutout design
I heard him speak
8
An earnest journal scrawl Mr. Feeny
Strung out strangely in the middle of the night
Secretary of Energy:
We sat and stared at each other bewildered
7
Magneto
I heard him speak
opinion
The Electric Kool-Aid Suffolk County
Republican Committee Fucking Acid Test
glo ladyfriend spread-eagling the win- political rat zoo. Yes—the zoo of galumphing my triple trumpet heart-
By Ross Barkan dow. Go big or go home, the sages say. I
myself am no longer doodlin’, only
Trunzo.
They all spitter spatter their throat
beat to a fine lady, crispy cream legs
yum yum who has time for Elections
drinking enough neon tap water jolly platters ricocheting down around walls, anyways??
So we’re speeding down some route juice to send me to the far side of Planet glue—don’t eat that now—the Republi- Scene: Outside of the ballroom,
on some ashy highway in the carnival Election. cans are in a titter, yes they are! For you amongst the crowds
cornucopia that is Suffolk County— FINE LOOKIN’ LADY: Are you a
which highway when?—a drowsy strip journalist?
of brown and blue and ink jet ether ME: Why yes, yes, I am the most
slamming your eyes yee ha! my not- professionalist journalist of all.
long time buddies “Shazam” Sean and FLL: Take me now.
“Jailbatin’” Joe along for the lollipop ME: A’ight.
sunshine explosion that is—was—the After hours of unrestrained, savage,
Suffolk County Republican Commit- yet gentle love-making, I left the fine
tee! lookin’ lady heart-broken’ and re-
Ah, so here’s the fantasy. Big kooks turned to my masterful duty as a
in the journalism department tell journalist…float downstream to the
me—tell the word inside of me—that source…
Election Day is coming up. Electric I wade the river of dark suits and
Elective Erection Election Day, ap- faux accomplishment to the shiny
parently some plutocratical blueberry nugget searing the night sky like a
harvest in which two whitish men in jewel in an Ethiope’s ear—rotor run-
suits - one maybe black! - vie to be- nin’ scribblin’ notes hey lady a quote
coming Princes of Our Plato-Raped John McCain? John McCain! He is a
Republic of sorts. Obama Scott, a president to be, or to not be, well to
chap of mine from Journalism Two- not be for the temporal drums beat
Ten, between peyote bursts of inspi- past this day, I ask an oldy folk about
ration, volunteers along with the state of the “media”…do you be-
Chippendale Mike to cover the astro- lieve it portraaayayyed the candidates
nomical cosmological astral-antelope- accurately, chief? She, a Soviet
esque Suffolk County Democratic princess in the last millennium, now
committee, a daisy chain of liberal ugly like a pug shitting in a mug
groupthink. But wait! I am in- pouring it on the rug, ugly!—she says
formed—the journalism kingpin “ovvv course” stares at me like a I’m a
speaks—that the Republicans are toy siren plastered on the wall of a
holding their own mind meld daisy clown college on the maize-blanket of
chain fuckapalooza to celebrate the Indiana. Prepositions I say, use more!
election they are destined to lose! The journalist today, with their
Hurrah! My hand, through the ganja “words,” don’t they see they’re out-
smoke, rises like a planet spinning moded, we are beyond “words” like the
out of a candy-korn suspended orbit hiss of a tire if only the hiss was a tree
of psychedelic fun time—like an LSD and the road was soil and the Super-
stormtrooper of funk…and we’re off! friends never aired on television…
reporting for the homoerotic States- Trunzo. I have him. Other mar-
men and the bastion of red light blue malade journalists talking reaping
Lawn Gnome Caesar Trunzo receiving an award for being the only Republican old enough to re-
light blinking hyper octopus WUSB quaking sonic chitter chat funneling
Ninety POINT ONE FREAKIN EF member the Partyʼs founding in 1854 the Main Man “so how has the campaign
EM my god sunshine juice dripping all been, Mr. Trunzo?” Don’t speak, Trunzo,
over my reporting suspenders where to Joe sez: “If we don’t find this place see, Caesar Trunzo, 84 year-old state as- I will answer for you: not enough tits.
go when to who what everything’s spin- soon we’ll all go bar hopping.” semblyman/day-glo juggernaut of jus- Never enough.
ning rafting on a cosmic inner-tube of I sez: “We’s already hoppin’, son.” tice might not win re-election. Every Another pause, forgive my intrusion
Election Day foam…Tuesday night, let And we find the place. It’s the most Aryan and dark-haired pasty man frets into your psycho-abode. Let me describe
the electro-electo Electrochromatic pseudo-proto-neo fascist progressive the same. the man. Caesar Trunzo. State Senator.
Election coverage commeeencc- castle hotel these pinwheel eyes ever “Wah-Wah what will we do without Repubadubican. Born: too long ago.
ceeeee…. laid eyes upon indeed, glass every- Trunzo?” Height: short. Weight: somewhere. Eye
Trunzo. Yes, Trunzo. Let me say it where, floor everywhere, old man here, “He can’t lose.” color: darkness. Super Joe hand me the
again. Trunzo. But first I offer this: white man there, old man there, white “Speed before weed” election guide… it’s too late! I need the
“Super Joe” Joe, chaperoning our quest man…A-ha! a black one but he is out of What? information, download it to my soul, let
for Republican godhead godhood, is place! did not the clay media rapping on And the journalism androids bark me lick it wick it on a candle face, good.
rocketing down an electro-pastel wak- the doors of perception inform him The down the electro-chutes—find the story I don’t even know what this is about
ing dream of a place called Amer-ICA. Obama is of the black as well??? I am they say!—and I choke a few balloon
“Shazam Sean” in the back, a bong be- enraptured, captured, a superhero synonyms at the soda cans—oh wait,
tween his ears, his nose, a glowing day- TRUNZO continued on next page
muckman on the chase of the babbling gotta question people—instead
The Stony Brook Press 25
opinion
them vote I say! I will not have young Depot if only that Home Depot was an water and not free food or free drugs so
TRUNZO continued from previous page people vote, not in a boat, not in a coat, acid party—huh—now shuffle outta the Shazam Sean and Joutstin’ Joe Super Joe
anymore. not wearing red, not wearing blue, not place, donuts without their cream fill- and I provided all the magic. I will now
Oh, yes, the interview. First, we need in a tu-tu, not eating ham, not licking ing, Voltron without their robot shits, recap our star-spangled adventure Won-
descriptions. Trunzo looks like a lawn spam, not…” Jesus without his hocus pocus…the der Years style.
gnome idling in aisle nine of Wal-Mart, “Yes, I get it, you hate young peo- dream has died. The—gasp—gasp The Year was 2008. Man walked on
ears flaring space like propeller blades, ple.” again—DemoCommunistCrats control the moon, The Beatles hit American
nose sagging like a flaccid—okay, too “You must be at least seventy to vote the American order. Hammer and shores, Winnie Cooper didn’t put out,
much, but here’s a better one. A gnome in my opinion. That’s when real shit sickle, workers’ rights, Marx in a thong, Paul was still a Jew, and the world was
gave birth to a gnome, squashed him kicks in.” red condoms, and no Christmas flashes changing. My dad was mad as hell for
into a ball of puddy, played billiards By 11:00 the moon rose waxing before the eyes of the deadened Repubs some reason. My brother had Down Syn-
with him for a year, threw him in a kiln, white in a chocolate sky and a chocolate like an egalitarian six-legged mutated drome. It was all ok, though, because a
and snatched him out and hurtled him man is President in a vanilla house, the troll-fish—nightmare juice crackles in black person became president.
into a wall. Funny lookin’ dude he is. irony drips like frosting—shit I’m hun- their veins. There is a moral to this story,
“So Trunzo how bout the election?” gry. Trunzo loses to a man 400 years Truly a silvery splendidy night of though. Don’t go to 7-11 and try to fit
“Err gruh fufh ddsjaa” younger than he, John McCain ditto, raw, cyclonic awesomeness. And jour- an entire package of Big League Chew in
the spotlight. This time Doom 95 and that your son trafficks[sic] in is the kind false statements. He was also accused of
By David Fishman Wolfenstein 3D were linked as causes
that had led to the desensitizing of the
of stuff that most mothers would be
ashamed to see their son putting into
using the court system to humiliate,
embarrass, harass or intimidate said
teens toward violence and allowed them the hands of other mothers’ children, people. Jack rebutted, claiming that the
John Bruce "Jack" Thompson, the to perpetrate the crime. Jack would con- but, hey, your son Strauss has recently complaints violate state religious pro-
name brings a massive amount of dis- tinue to spar against various game com- assured the world that he is, ‘a Boy tections because his advocacy is moti-
dain and scowls from within the gam- panies over the years. His most famous Scout, everybody knows that.’ I’d love vated by his Christian faith. This claim
ing community. This lawyer’s adversaries were Take-Two Interactive to see the merit badges that Scout Troop fell on the deaf ears of the judges, who
eleven-year, one-man tirade against the and Rockstar Entertainment, the pub- handed out. Is there a Ted Bundy merit had grown sick of Thompson’s accusa-
video game industry has finally come to lisher and developer of the Grand Theft badge? If so, your loving son deserves tions against them and his general dis-
an end. And a very satisfying end in- regard toward being a decent human
deed. This leech of the civil court sys- being.
tem has finally been denied an avenue Finally, on July 10, 2008, after over
for his continued malice against the a year of disbarment hearings, Judge
gaming industry, for his lawsuits have Dava Tunis recommended his perma-
been just that. According to an AP in- nent disbarment and to pay a
terview, Thompson said, “We intend to $43,675.35 fine to the Florida Supreme
hurt Hollywood. We intend to hurt the Court, for making false statements of
video game industry. We intend to hurt material fact to courts and repeatedly
the sex porn sites”. He made this state- violating court orders, among other
ment back in 1999, and I dare say that I things. The court approved. Jack filed
don’t believe he has really made an im- emergency stay of the Florida State
pact other than annoying adults and Supreme Court's decision with the U.S.
teenagers who just want to have a good District Court, which was smartly de-
time. Jack’s mission against the video nied. On September 25 his disbarment
game industry began in 1997 with a took effect and the gaming community
tragic event that unfolded at Heath was ecstatic. Twitter ran with a, “Jack
High School in West Paducah, Ken- Thompson is so Disbarred....” series. My
tucky. On that day, a screwed up 14- favorite was, “He can't even write on
year-old boy opened fire on a group of legal pads.” Acting crazier than usual
praying students, killing three girls and and talking about himself in the third
wounding five others. During the in- person Jack responded to his disbar-
Haha! Youʼll have plenty of time to play video games now, Douche-Fag!
vestigation, they discovered that the kid ment stating, “The timing of this dis-
had played and enjoyed games such as barment transparently reveals its
Doom, Quake and Castle Wolfenstein, motivation: This past Friday Thompson
which are prominent first person shoot- Auto Series. one now. It should be red and green, for filed a federal civil rights action against
ing games. Jack put two and seven 7 to- After various lawsuits and cam- obvious reasons… Your son claims you The Bar, the Supreme Court, and all
gether and filed a suit claiming that paigns halted the sale of games such as raised him to be ‘a Boy Scout.’ More like seven of its Justices. This rush to dis-
video games had desensitized the child Grand Theft Auto III, Bully, and Man- the Hitler Youth, I would say.” barment is in retribution for the filing
and made him more prone to violence. hunt, some people said Jack went too in Thankfully, by the time this letter of that federal suit. With enemies this
The suit was filed in a federal district April 2008, when Jack addressed a let- was sent, Jack was on his way out. In foolish, Thompson needs only the loyal
court and was wisely dismissed for fail- ter to the mother of Strauss Zelnick, the February 2007, the Florida BAR filed friends he has.”
ing to present a legally recognizable Executive Chairman of Take-Two In- disbarment proceedings against him All I have to say is GG Jack but now
claim. teractive. Within the extensive letter over accusations of professional mis- it’s Game Over. You get a High Score of
That should have been the last we along with many proverbs and quotes conduct. The disbarment proceedings -21 for twenty-one years of FAIL in the
heard of old Jack Thompson, but when from the Old Testament was one telling were a culmination of separate griev- practice of Law. Good thing you’re from
the Columbine school shooting hap- section. ances filed by people claiming that Florida. I think it’s time to retire.
pened two years later, he was back in “The pornography and violence Thompson had made defamatory and
26 Opinion Vol. XXX, Issue 5 | Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Make your opinion heard! Write for The Stony Brook Press. Meetings Wednesdays 1pm
Union Building Room 060
Don’t be fooled by the fancy costumes and dramatic make up, these
dancers were clearly ready to compete. eir team jackets were proudly
sported, and the aura of energy and competitive spirit permeated SAC Ball-
room A. e 2008 Ballroom Dance Competition was a great success that
was overwhelmed by the amount of spectators that came to support this il-
lustrious competition and spectacular showcase. e day began with In-
ternational style Standard, followed by American style Smooth. e first
session was concluded with Open Standard/ Smooth. e results from the
first session were as follows:
Gold Latin Overall - Raymond Tseng and Elena Kushins (first in all cate-
gories)
Aside from providing an opportunity for dancers from the region, to show-
case their skills, the 2008 Stony Brook Ballroom Dance Competition al-
lowed for the pursuit of these dedicated dancers to continue to learn and
appreciate the art of competitive ballroom dance. While the competition
was physically trying, the dancers must recuperate quickly, as the next
competition at Columbia University is readily approaching.
And now, The Press presents an exclusive, breaking look into the
Yankee- C.C. Sabathia negotiations...Transcript by Ross Barkan
Hank: Ok, C.C., that’s my final Hank: In Jarvus’s Discount Gro-
offer. cery coupons that are only good
for Purple Drink.
C.C.: No. That’s offensive as hell.
C.C.: God damn it, no.
Hank: What? I’m willing to offer
you—- Hank: I don’t understand, my dad
offered Sheffield Purple Drink…
C.C.: I’m signing with the Angels
or Dodgers. I can’t take this. C.C.: Your father was a horrible
individual and so are you.
Hank: Alright, C.C. you win. I will
give you 200,000 bottles of Purple Hank: I think I know what I can
Drink. But not a drink higher! give you.
Kel: PCP
By Josh Ginsberg