Dance Man 242

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<a style="margin-right:15px;" href="/details/danceman242">See other fo rmats</a> </div> </div> <div style="min-width:600px; margin-right:0px;" id="col2"> <div class="box"> <h1> Full text of "<a href="/details/danceman242">The laws of etiquette; or, Short rules and reflections for conduct in society.</a>" </h1> THEALAWS BY PHILADELPHIA: Entered 1836. GENTLEMAN. according OF <pre> ETIQUETTE; CAREY, to Act LEA, OR, of AND Short Congress BLANCHARD. Rules , in andthe Reflections year 1836, FOR ByCONDUCT Carey, Lea, IN SOCIETY. and Blan chard Clerk's Haswell The author , & In of Office thethe Barrington, of present the District Printers, volume Court hasSt. of James endeavoured the Eastern Street. to embody, District PREFACE. in ofas Pennsylvania. short s space as possible, some of the results of his own experience and observation in society, and submit s the the public, work to with the hope that the remarks which are contained in it, may prove available the benefit for of others. It is, of course, scarcely possible that anything origina l should found in a bevolume like this: almost all that it contains must have fallen under the notice every man of ofpenetration who has been in the habit of frequenting good society. Many probably have of the precepts been contained in works of a similar character which have appeared and in France Englandsince the days of Lord Chesterfield. Nothing however has been copied fromcompilation the them in of this work, the author having in fact scarcely any acquaintanc e with of thisbooks description, and many years having elapsed since he has opened even the pages oracle. noble of the He has drawn entirely from his own resources, with the exception o f some for arrangement, hints and a few brief reflections, which have been derived from the F The present volume is almost apart from criticism. It has no pretensions to be j rench. udged as sole work-its a literary merit depending upon its correctness and fitness of application. U pon great grounds The these heerror ventures intoto which hopenearly for itall a favourable foreignersreception. and most Americans INTRODUCTION. fall, who wr itesociety of or speak in this country, arises from confounding the political with the socia l system. In most other countries, in England, France, and all those nations whose governm entaristocratic, or is monarchical these systems are indeed similar. Society is there intimately c with the government, and the distinctions in one are the origin of gradations in onnected The thechief other. part of the society of the kingdom is assembled B in the capital, and the legislate who same persons for the country legislate also for it. But in America the two syst ems are totally unconnected, and altogether different in character. In remodelling the form of t he administration, society remained unrepublican. There is perfect freedom of political privilege, all same the are upon the hustings, or at a political meeting; but this equality does no t extend to the drawing-room or the parlour. None are excluded from the highest councils of the nation, it does not but follow that all can enter into the highest ranks, of society. In poi nt of that think fact,there we is more exclusiveness in the society of this country, than ther e is of even in England-far that more than there is in France. And the explanation may perhap s befact the found which in we hate mentioned above. There being there less danger of permane nt confusion or disarrangement of ranks by the occasional admission of the low-born aspirant, ther e doesthe exist notsame necessity for a jealous guarding of the barriers as there does he re.classes, of The distinction also, after the first or second, is actually more clearly defined, a nd more rigidly observed in America, than in any country of Europe. Persons unaccustomed to look at searchingly these matters, may be surprised to hear it; but we know from observation, tha t there the respectable, are amongin any city of the United States, at least ten distinct ranks. We cannot, course, here ofpoint them out, because we could not do it without mentioning names . Every man is naturally desirous of finding entrance into the best society of his it country, becomesand therefore a matter of importance to ascertain what qualifications are for A demanded writer admittance. who is popularly unpopular, has remarked, that the test of standing in Boston, eminence; To this remark, isin literary Newwe York, can only wealth; oppose and our in Philadelphia, opinion, thatpurity none of ofthese blood. are indispens able, of them and sufficient. none The society of this country, unlike that of England, does no t court We talent. literary have eases in our recollection, which prove the remark, in relation t o the highest ranks, even of Boston. Wealth has no pretensions to be the standard anywhere. In Liverpool New York,of the America, although the rich may make greater display and bruit , yet rich, all of will thefind merely that there does exist a small and unchanging circle, whether abo ve or 'it them, below is not ours to say,' yet completely apart from them, into which they W ould to Whatever find rejoice entrance, may be the and accomplishments from which they necessary would beto glad render to receive one capable emigrants. of reaching the highest platform of social eminence, and it is not easy to define clearly what they are,
thing, there and is one one alone, which will enable any man to retain his station there; and BREEDING. that is, Without GOOD it, we believe that literature, wealth, and even blood, will b e unsuccessful. By it, if it co-exist with a certain capacity of affording pleasure by conversat ion, we imagine, any one, could frequent the very best society in every city of America, and p erhaps best alone the . very To obtain, then, the manners of a gentleman is a matter of no small We importance. do not pretend that a man will be metamorphosed into a gentleman by reading t his book, other book. orRefined any manners are like refined style which Cicero compares to the colour of cheeks, which the is not acquired by sudden or violent exposure to heat, but by cont inual in thewalking sun. Good manners can certainly only be acquired by much usage in good co mpany. are a number But there of little forms, imperiously enacted by custom, which may be taught and in the thisconscious manner, ignorance of which often prevents persons from going into comp any atforms These all. may be abundantly absurd, but still they must be attended to; for on e half does and the always worldwill observe them, and the other half is at a great disadvantage Intercourse if it does is not. constantly taking place, and an awkward man of letters, in the so ciety man ofof the a world, polished is like a strong man contending with a skilful fencer. Mr. Add ison he once says, sawthat the ablest mathematician in the kingdom utterly embarrassed, from no t knowing whether Some of the he ought many errors to stand which or sit arewhen liable my to lord beduke committed drank through his health. ignorance of us age,Abbe pointed The areout pleasantly Cosson, in the professor following instory, the College which Mazarin is related , thoroughly by a French accomplished writer. in t he art of with saturated teaching, Greek, Latin, and literature, considered himself a perfect well o f science: he had no conception that a man who knew all Persius and Horace by heart could p ossibly an error-above commit all, an error at table. But it was not long before he discovered his day, One mistake. after dining with the Abbe de Radonvillers at Versailles, in company wi th severaland marshals of France, he was boasting of the rare acquaintance with courtiers and custom which he had exhibited at dinner. The Abbe Delille, who heard this eu etiquette logyconduct, own upon hisinterrupted his harangue, by offering to wager that he had committe d hundred a at leastimproprieties at the table. "How is it possible!" exclaimed Cosson. "I like "What did the exactly absurdity!" rest of the said company." the other. "You did a thousand things which no one else d id. sat you First, down when at the table, what did you do with your napkin?" "My napkin? Why ju st what else didevery with theirs. body I unfolded it entire]y, and fastened it to my buttonhole." friend," "Well, my said dear Delille, "you were the only one that did that , at all events. No one hangs napkin in that up his style; they are contented with placing it on their knees. And wha t didyou when you, took do your soup?" "Like the others, I believe. I took my spoon in one ha nd,the in andother-" my fork"Your fork! Who ever eat soup with a fork?-But to proceed; after youryou did soup, eat?" what "A fresh egg." "And what did you do with the shell?" Handed it to the servant stood behindwho my chair." "With out breaking it?" "Without breaking it, of course. " "Well, dear Abbe, mynobody ever eats an egg without breaking the shell. And after your eg g-?"Abbe the "I asked Radonvillers to send me a piece of the hen near him." "Bless my soul! a ?piece You never of the speak hen of hens excepting in the barn-yard. You should have asked for fowlyou But or say chicken. nothing of your mode of drinking." "Like all the rest, I asked for c laret ." "Let and mechampagne inform you, then, that persons always ask for claret wine and champag ne wine tell me,.how But, did you eat your bread?" "Surely I did that properly. I cut it with most my knife, regular inmanner the possible." "Bread should always be broken, not cut. But the coffee, did you manage how it?" "It was rather too hot, and I poured a little of it into my saucer." you committed "Well, here the greatest fault of all. You should never pour C your coffe e into but always the drink saucer, it from the cup." The poor Abbe was confounded. He felt that th ough be master one might of the seven sciences, yet that there was another species of knowledge dignified, This which, occurred if was less many equally years important. ago, but there is not one of the observances neglected by theis which Abbe notCosson, enforced with equal rigidness in the present day. CHAPTER I. GOOD B The formalities of refined society were at first established for the purpose of REEDING. the intercourse of persons of the same standing, and increasing the happiness of facilitating they all apply. to whomThey are now kept up, both to assist the convenience of intercourse and great too to prevent familiarity. If they are carried too far, and escape from the control of good they become sense, impediments to enjoyment. Among the Chinese they serve only the purp osean to ofincalculable annoying degree. "The government," says De Marcy, in writing of China, applies "constantly itself to preserve, not only in the court and among the great, but among athe constant peoplehabit themselves, of civility and courtesy. The Chinese have an infinity of books one upon ofsuch these subjects; treatises contains more than three thousand articles.-Everything is out pointed with the most minute detail; the manner of saluting, of visiting, of making presents, writing letters, of of eating, etc.: and these customs have the force of laws-no on e canthem. with dispense There is a special tribunal at Peking, of which it is one of the chie
One f the duties, observance would to ensure think of that these onecivil was here ordinances?" reading an account of the capital of France. I t depends, upon the spirit then,in which these forms are observed, whether their result shall be or beneficial not. The French and the Chinese are the most formal of all the nations. Yet t he one and "We most may is define distant; the stiffest politeness," the other,says the La easiest Bruyere, and "though most social. we cannot tell where to fix It itobserves in practice. received usages and customs, is bound to times and places, and is no t the in thesame two sexes thing or in different conditions. Wit alone cannot obtain it: it is a cquired to perfection and brought by emulation. Some dispositions alone are susceptible of politenes s, as are only others capable of great talents or solid virtues. It is true politeness puts m eritrenders and forward, it agreeable, and a man must have eminent qualifications to support himself it." Perhaps without even the greatest merit cannot successfully straggle against unfort unate and disagreeable manners. Lord Chesterfield says that the Duke of Marlborough owed h is first to the suavity of his manners, and that without it he could not have promotions La Bruyere has elsewhere given this happy definition of politeness, the other pa risen. ssage being rather a description of it. "Politeness seems to be a certain care, by the manne r of and We must actions, ourhere words to make stop to point othersout pleased an error withwhich us and isthemselves." often committed both in practic e and and which opinion, consists in confounding together the gentleman and the man of fashion. can No be twomore characters distinct than these. Good sense and self-respect are the foundations and of influence the one-notoriety the objects of the other. Men of fashion are to be seen everywhere : a pure and gentleman is the mererarest thing alive. Brummel was a man of fashion; but it would be terms of a perversion to apply to him "a very expressive word in our language,-a word, denoti ng many of an assemblage real virtues and of many qualities approaching to virtues, and an union of manners once pleasing at and commanding respect,-the word gentleman." * The requisites to c ompose last character this are natural ease of manner, and an acquaintance with the "outward and habit self-possession-a of encounter"-dignity respect for all the decencies of life, and perfect freedom affectation. from all Dr. Johnson's bearing during his interview with the king showed him gentleman, to be a thorough and demonstrates how rare and elevated that character is. When his ma jesty in theexpressed language of compliment his high opinion of Johnson's merits, the latter b owed If Chesterfield in silence.could have retained sufficient presence of mind to have done the an same occasion, on suchhe would have applauded himself to the end of his days. So delicate of isthose the nature qualities that constitute a gentleman, that there is but one exhibition of ofpersons this description in all the literary and dramatic fictions from Shakespeare downward. Scott not attempted has it. Bulwer, in "Pelham," has shot wide of the mark. It was reserve d for of twothe very author singular productions, "Sydenham" and its continuation "Alice Paulet" of extraordinary merits and extraordinary faults-to portray this character compl -works in theimpressions etely, First person of Mr. arePaulet apt toCHAPTER he permanent; II. DRESS. it is therefore of importance that th ey should beThe dress of an individual is that circumstance from which you first favourable. opinion form your of him. It is even more prominent than manner, It is indeed the only thi ng a in which casual is encounter, remarked or during the first interview. It , therefore, should be the first What stylecare. is to our thoughts, dress is to our persons. It may supply the place of more solid qualities, andDwithout it the most solid are of little avail. Numbers have owed their to their elevation attention to the toilet. Place, fortune, marriage have all been lost by it. neglecting A man need not mingle long with the world to find occasion to exclaim with S edaine,que habit, "Ah! jemon vous remercie!" In spite of the proverb, the dress often does make Your the dress monk. should always be consistent with your age and your natural exterior. That which looks outre on one man, will be agreeable on another. As success in this respect entirely depends upon almost particular circumstances and personal peculiarities, it is impossi ble to give general directions of much importance. We can only point out the field for study it belongs and research; to each one's own genius and industry to deduce the results. However uglyrest be, you assured may that there is some style of habiliment which will make you pass able. If,you example, forhave a stain upon your cheek which rivals in brilliancy the best Ch or, are afflicted with a nose whose lustre dims the ruby, you may employ such hu ateau-Margout; es of the eye, dress, instead thatof being shocked by the strangeness of the defect, will be char med by the harmony of the graceful colours. Every one cannot indeed be an Adonis, but it is his own fault If Esop. youif have he bad, is ansquinting eyes, which have lost their lashes and are bordered w ith red, should wear youspectacles. If the defect be great, your glasses should be coloured. emulate In suchthe cases sky rather than the sea: green spectacles are an abomination, fitted in Almost only divinity,-blue for every students defect ones of face are respectable may be concealed and even by a distingue judicious . use and arrangement of hair. care, however, Take that your hair be not of one colour and your whiskers of another; wig It and is be let evident, large yourenough therefore, to cover that the though wholeaof man your mayred be ugly, or white there hair. is no necessity f or histhat Would being all shocking. men were convinced of this! I verily believe that if Mr. - in his
and walking-dress, Mr. - in his evening costume were to meet alone, in some solitary place, whe re divert to there was their nothing attention from one another, they would expire of mutual hideousn If you have any defect, so striking and so ridiculous as to procure you a nickna ess. me the there In then is morning, indeed but onebefore remedy,-renounce eleven o'clock society. even if you go out, you should not be dres sed. be stamped You would a parvenu if you were seen in anything better than a reputable old fr ock coat. remain at home, If youand are a bachelor, it is permitted to receive visitors in a mor ning gown. summer, calico; In in winter, figured cloth, faced with fur. At dinner, a coat, of course, The effect is of indispensable. a frock coat is to conceal the height. If, therefore, you are bene ath the or statue, ordinary much above it, you should affect frock coats on all occasions that et iquettegoing Before permits. to a ball or party it is not sufficient that you consult your mirro r twenty You must be times. personally inspected by your servant or a friend. Through defect of this, saw a gentleman I once enter a ball-room, attired with scrupulous elegance, but with on e of hisin curling suspenders graceful festoons about his feet. His glass could not show what was b If you are about to present yourself in a company composed only of men, you may ehind. wear boots. there There be a is but common If one lady proverb present, whichpumps says,and that silk-stockings if a man be well are dressed indispensable. as to head a nd feet,everywhere. himself he may present The assertion is as false as Mr. Kemble's voice. Happy indee d if it were necessary to perfect only the extremities. The coat, the waistcoat, the gloves, and, the all, Upon above cravat, of subject must the becravat-(for alike ignorant heaven's of blemish. sake and Brummel's, never appear in twelve a stock o'clock)-We after cannot at present say anything. If we were to say anything, w e could be content notwithout saying all, and to say all would require a folio. A book has been the upon published subject, entitled "The Cravat considered in its moral, literary, politi cal,religious and military,attributes." This and a clever, though less profound, treatise on "The art tying theof Cravat," are as indispensable to a gentleman as an ice at twelve o'clo When we speak of excellence in dress we do not mean richness of clothing, nor ma ck. nifested elaboration. Faultless propriety, perfect harmony, and a refined simplicity,-these are the ch arms fascinate It Upon isthis which as great here.a sin subject theto ladies be finical are the inonly dress infallible as to be oracles. negligent. Apart from the per fection which they to must of necessity arrive, from devoting their entire existence to suc h considerations, they seem to be endued with an inexpressible tact, a sort of sixth sense, which reveals the proper intuitively distinctions. That your dress is approved by a man is nothing;-you ca nnothigh the enjoy satisfaction of being perfectly comme il faut , until your performance hasthe the If received seal benefits of a woman's to be derived approbation. from cultivating your exterior do not appear suffi ciently to induce powerful attention, the inconveniences arising from too great disregard may per hapsMatthew Sir prevail. Hale, in the earlier part of his life, dressed so badly that he was oncepress-gang. the seized by Not long since, as I entered the hall of a public hotel, I saw a habited, person so that villanously supposing him to be one of the servants, I desired him to take my luggage and was on upstairs, the point of offering him a shilling, when I discovered that I was ad dressing Mr. * * *, the one Honorable of the most eminent American statesmen. CHAPTER III. SALUTATIONS. The salutation, says a French writer, is the touchstone of good breeding. Accord ingshould it to circumstances, be respectful, cordial, civil, affectionate or familiar:-an inclinatio n of head, If you the aremove gesture your with hat the you hand, needthe nottouching at the same or doffing time bend of the dorsal hat. vertebrae o f your you It is wish abody, mark to be unless of very highreverential, breeding notas toin speak saluting to E a lady bishop. in the street, until you perceive has Some noticed ladies that you courtesy she by anin inclination the street, ofathe movement head. not gracefully consistent with lo They comotion. If anshould individual always ofbow the.lowest rank, or without any rank at all, takes off his h at the do to you, sameyou in return. should A bow, says La Fontaine, is a note drawn at sight. If you you acknowledge must pay the it, full amount. The two best-bred men in England, Charles the Seco nd and the Fourth, George never failed to take off their hats to the meanest of their subjects . Avoid condescending bows to your friends and equals. If you meet a rich parvenu , whose you wishconsequence to reprove, you may salute him in a very patronizing manner: or else, i n acknowledging his If you bow, have look remarkably somewhat fine surprised teeth, and you say, may"Mister-eh-eh?" smile affectionately upon the bowee, without In If passing you have speaking. ladies anything of to rank, saywhom to any youone meet inin the society, street,bow, especially but do a not lady, speak. however may intimate be, doyou not stop the person, but turn round and walk in company; you can take of If leave the street. there atis the any end one of your acquaintance, with whom you have a difference, do no t avoid at him, unless lookingfrom the nature of things the quarrel is necessarily for life. It better As isaalmost general to bow always rule withnever cold cut civility, any one though in the without street. speaking. Even political and steamboat should be noticed by the slighest movement in the world. If they presume to conv acquaintances erse or stop with you you, to introduce their companion, it is then time to use your eye-glass, knew If and you say, you." address "I never a lady in the open air, you remain uncovered until she has desire d you put ontwice your hat. to In general, if you are in any place where etiquette requires yo u to or standing, remain uncovered and a lady, or one much your superior, requests you to be covered o r tooff how sit, the you command. may If it is repeated, you should comply. You thereby pay the p
but delicate, erson a marked, compliment, by allowing their will to be superior to the general o of etiquette. bligations When two Americans, who "have not been introduced," meet in some public place, a s stagecoach, a in a theatre, or a steamboat, they will sit for an hour staring in one another's afaces, word of but conversation. without This form of unpoliteness has been adopted from the Engl ish, is asand little it worthy of imitation as the form of their government. Good sense and are convenience the foundations of good breeding; and it is assuredly vastly more reasonable to and enjoy moreaagreeable passing gratification, when no sequent evil is to be apprehended, tha n to be rendered uncomfortable by an ill-founded pride. It is therefore better to carry on an eas y and civil A snuff-box, or some polite accommodation rendered, may serve for conversation. an opening. Talk only about generalities,-the play, the roads, the weather. Avoid speaking o f persons or politics, for, if the individual is of the opposite party to yourself, you wi ll a in becontroversy: engaged if he holds the same opinions, you will be overwhelmed with a flood of vulgar intelligence, which may soil your mind. Be reservedly civil while the colloquy l asts, let When the you and acquaintance are introduced cease to a with gentleman the occasion. do not give your hand, but merely bow wit h politeness: and if you have requested the introduction, or know the person by reputation, yo u may make speech. I am a aware that high authority might easily be found in this country to sanction custom ofthe giving the hand upon a first meeting, but it is undoubtedly a solecism The in habit manners. has been adopted by us, with some improvement for the worse, from Fran ce. When two Frenchmen are presented to one another, each presses the other's hand with delic ate English, The affection. however, never do so: and the practice, if abstractly correct, is a inconsistent with the caution of manner which is characteristic of their nation ltogether andwe If our are own. to follow the French, in shaking hands with one whom we have never bef ore seen, imitate certainly we should them also in kissing our intimate male acquaintances. If, howe ver, you ought only to how to a new acquaintance, you surely should do more to old ones. If you fifty friend meet an times intimate in a morning, give your hand every time,-an observance of pro priety,worthy though which,of universal adoption, is in this country only followed by the pur istsrequisitions The in politeness. of etiquette, if they should be obeyed at all, should be obeyed decent fully.formality This prevents acquaintance from being too distant, while, at the sam e time, preserves "These Goldsmith The grand little itobject the . CHAPTER "familiar" things forIV. areTHE which from great aDRAWING-ROOM. gentleman becoming to little "vulgar." exists, men." COMPANY. isThey to CONVERSATION. excel may be inlittle company. things, Conversat but ionhis of When is you the distinction,-the enter meana drawing-room, drawing-room where there the scene is aof ball hisor glory. a party, you salute the lady ofspeaking before the house to any one else. Even your most intimate friends are enveloped i n an opake until you have atmosphere made your bow to your entertainer. We must take occasion here to obelize which prevails a custom too generally in this country. The company enter the back door of and thethe back mistress parlour, of the house is seated at. the other extremity of the front par lour. It is necessary totherefore traverse the length of two rooms in order to reach her. A voyage of no this means kind anis easy by undertaking, when there are Circes and Calypsos assailing one o n every and whenside; one has reached the conclusion, one cannot perhaps distinguish the obje ct of one's search at a coup d'oeil . It would be in every point of view more appropriate if stand the lady directly were opposite to to the door of the back parlour. Such is the custom in t he best Upon abroad. companies a single gentleman entering at a late hour, it is not so obligatory to tothe speak mistress first of the ceremonies. He may be allowed to converge his way up to h er. a room When before you leave the others, go without speaking to any one, and, if possible, unse Never permitsociety en. Fashionable the sanctity is divided of the into drawing-room sets , in all to be ofviolated which there by ais boot. some peculia rity or some of dominant manner, tone of feeling. It is necessary to study these peculiarities b efore the In each circle. entering of these sets there is generally some gentleman , who rules, and gives i t its or, rather, character, who is not ruler, but the first and most favoured subject, and the p rime of the minister ladies' will. Him you must endeavour to imitate, taking care not to imita te to as himexcel so well him. To differ in manner or opinion from him is to render yourself u nfit To speak for disrespectfully that circle. of him is to insult personally every lady who composes In company, though none are "free," yet all are "equal." All therefore whom you it. meet, be treated should with equal respect, although interest may dictate toward each differe nt attention. of degrees It is disrespectful to the inviter to shun any of her guests. Thos e whom she honoured byhas asking to her house, you should sanction by admitting to your acquai If you meet any one whom you have never heard of before at the table of a gentle ntance. man, of a lady, or in you the may drawing-room converse with him with entire propriety. The form of "introdu ction" more than is a nothing statement by a mutual friend that two gentlemen are by rank and mann ers one for fit another. acquaintances All this may be presumed from the fact, that both meet at a res pectable This is the house. theory of the matter. Custom, however, requires that you should take opportunity Men theof earliest all sorts afterwards of occupations to be regularly meet inpresented society. As to they such go an there one. to unbend thei r minds from theand fetters escape of business, you should never, in an evening, speak to a man ab
Do not out histalk professions. of politics with a journalist, of fevers to a physician, of stocks t o a broker,-nor, unless you wish to enrage him to the utmost, of education to a collegian. The er ror which is often condemned here committed from mere good nature and a desire to be affable. B ut a to itgentleman, betrays ignorance of the world-to a philosopher, ignorance of human natu re. The one considers that "Tous les hommes sont egaux devant la politesse:" the other remem bers that though it may be agreeable to be patronised and assisted, yet it is still more a greeable treated Sir Joshua as toReynolds if beyou needed once received no patronage, from two and noblemen were above invitations assistance. to visit them on The Sunday first, morning. whom he waited upon, welcomed him with the most obsequious condescens ion,with him treated all the attention in the world, professed that he was so desirous of se eing he had him, mentioned that Sunday as the time for his visit, supposing him to be too much engaged the week, during to spare time enough for the purpose, concluded his compliments by an eulogy and smiled on painting, him affectionately to the door. Sir Joshua left him, to call upon the one other. received That him with respectful civility, and behaved to him as he would have b ehavedin equal tothe an peerage:-said nothing about Raphael nor Correggio, but conversed wi th ease about literature and men. This nobleman was the Earl of Chesterfield. Sir Joshua felt, the that one though had said that he respected him, the other had proved that he did, and we nt away one gratified from this rather than from the first. Reader, there is wisdom in this anecdo te. inwardly and Mark, learn, digest it: and let this be the moral which you deduce,-that there i s distinction in The society, great business but that inthere company areis noconversation. distinctions.It should be studied as art. Styl e in is asconversation important, and as capable of cultivation as style in writing. The manner o f saying is The what mostgives things important them requisite their value. for succeeding here, is constant and unfaltering at That which Churchill has noted as the greatest virtue on the stage, is also the tention. most in company,-to necessary be "always attentive to the business of the scene." Your understa ndingyour like should, person, be armed at all points. Never go into society with your mind e n It . deshabille is fatal to success to be all absent or distrait . The secret of conversati on consist to has beenin said building upon the remark of your companion. Men of the strongest m inds, whohabits solitary have and bookish dispositions, rarely excel in sprightly colloquy, be cause upon seize they the thing itself,-the subject abstractly,-instead of attending to the of language other speakers, and do not cultivate verbal pleasantries and refinements. He who does gains a reputation otherwise for quickness, and pleases by showing that he has regarded th e observation of It others. is an error to suppose that conversation consists in talking. A more importan t thingdiscreetly. listen is to Mirabeau said, that to succeed in the world, it is necessary to taught be submit many to things which you understand, by persons who know nothing about th em.the is Flattery smoothest path to success; and the most refined and gratifying compliment is you tocan listen. pay, "The wit of conversation consists more in finding it in others," s ays Lain "than Bruyere, showing a great deal yourself: he who goes from your conversation pleas ed with and his own himself wit, is perfectly well pleased with you. Most men had rather please thanseek and admire less you, to be instructed,-nay, delighted,-than to be approved and applaude d. is delicate It Thecertainly most pleasure proper is toenough pleaseto another." convince others of your merits. But the highest you idea can which give a man of your own penetration, is to be thoroughly impressed with h Patience is a social engine, as well as a Christian virtue. To listen, to wait, is. andthere are If to he the certain be wearied any foreigner elements of present good fortune. at a dinner party, or small evening party, who the does language not understand which is spoken, good breeding requires that the conversation shoul d be on entirely carriedin his language. Even among your most intimate friends, never addres s Gaany in Never language speak one tonot anyunderstood one in company by all about the a others. private Itaffair is as which bad asis whispering. not understood asking by others, how that as matter is coming on, &c. In so doing you indicate your opini on trop de that . the Ifrest you wish are to make any such inquiries, always explain to others the b usiness which If upon you about the inquire, entrance ifof the a visitor subject you admit continue of it. a conversation begun before, you should explain If there always the is any subject one in to the company new-comer. whom you do not know, be careful how you let offpleasant or any epigrams little sarcasms. You might be very witty upon halters to a man whose hanged. father The had first been requisite for successful conversation is to know your company We have spoken above of the necessity of relinquishing the prerogative of our ra well. ce, and being contented with recipient silence. There is another precept of a kindred nature t o be observed, namely, not to talk too well when you do talk. You do not raise yourself much in another, the opinion if at ofthe same time that you amuse him, you wound him in the nicest poi nt,-his irritating Besides self-love. vanity, a constant flow of wit is excessively fatiguing to th e witty A listeners. man is an agreeable acquaintance, but a tiresome friend. "The wit of the to company, the butt next of the company," says Mrs. Montagu, "is the meanest person in it. Th e great duty is conversation of to follow suit, as you do at whist: if the eldest hand plays the let deuce notof his diamonds, next neighbour dash down the king of hearts; because his hand is ful
Indo l I of addressing honours. not love any to see one, a always man of look wit win at him; all the andtricks if there in are conversation." several present, you more willby please directing some portion of your conversation, as an anecdote or statement , to each onein turn. This was the great secret of Sheridan's charming manner. H individually is bon-mots were Never not asknumerous. a question under any circumstances. In the first place it is too proud ; in the place, itsecond may be very inconvenient or very awkward to give a reply. A lady latel y inquired what branchof of medical practice a certain gentleman was professor. He held the c hair ! It isof indispensable midwifery for conversation to be well acquainted with the current news events and the ofhistorical the last few years. It is not convenient to be quite so far behind the in rest such ofmatters, the world as the Courier des Etats-Unis. That sapient journal lately anno unced the dethronement of Charles X. We may expect soon to hear of the accession of Louis In society never quote. If you get entangled in a dispute with some learned bloc Philippe. khead, you silence himmay with a few extemporary quotations. Select the author for whom he has admiration, the greatest and give him a passage in the style of that writer, which most point edlyopinion the condemns he supports. If it does not convince him, he will be so much stunned that withyou amazement can make your escape, and avoid the unpleasant necessity of knocking hi m down. The ordinary weapons which one employs in social encounter, are, whether dignifi ed or not, always at least honourable. There are some, however, who habitually prefer to br ibe thethan rather judge, strengthen their cause. The instrument of such is flattery. There ar e, indeed, cases in which a man of honour may use the same weapon; as there are cases in wh ich be may Flattery a poisoned employed prevails sword for over self-defence. all, always, and in all places; it conquers she conqueror few of are Danae: beneath it, none above it: the court, the camp, the church, are the scen es of and all its mankind victories, the subjects of its triumphs. It will be acknowledged, then, tha t avery no The man contemptible power possesses of flatterypower may be who derived can flatter from several skilfully. sources. It may be, that the p erson flattered, finding himself gratified, and conscious that it is to the flatterer that he is indebted this gratification, for feels an obligation to him, without inquiring the reason; or that it may imagining be, ourselves to stand high in the good opinion of the one that prais es us, with what We he comply desires, rather than forfeit that esteem: or, finally, flattery may politeness, be only a marked and we submit ourselves to the control of the flatterer rather than be guilty the Flattery rudeness never of ofshould opposing be direct. him. It should not be stated, but inferred. It is be tter acted uttered. Flattery than should seem to be the unwitting and even unwilling expression of genuine Some very weak persons do not require that expressions of praise and admiration. them esteem should toward be sincere. They are pleased with the incense, although they perceiv e whencethey arises: it are pleased that they are of importance enough to have their favour in courted. most eases But it is necessary that the flattery should appear to be the honest o ffspring of feelings. Such theflattery must succeed; for, it is founded upon a principle in our is Never It nature as commend is has deep sometimes flatter often, which as however, life; one a flattery lady's person namely, musical a to the in good that accept effect skill presence wepraises. always to praise another oflove another. one those lady man who who toherself we think his particular plays. love us. friend, to It ifis which itan beerror that for friend something to imagine has himself that men noare pretensions. less intoxicated with flattery than women . The is Flattery that only esteem isdifference of course must beefficacious expressed to towomen, obtainbut positive provedbenefits. to men. It is of, more co nstant use, however, for purposes of defence. You conquer an attack of rudeness by courtesy: an you attack avertof accusation by flattery. Every:one remembers the anecdote of Dr. Joh nson and Ewing. "Prince," Mr. said Napoleon to Talleyrand, "they tell me that you sometimes s improperly in the funds. "They do me wrong then," said Talleyrand. "But how did peculate youmuch so acquire money!" "I bought stock the day before you were proclaimed First Consul, " replied the ex-bishop, Compliments "and are light I soldskirmishes it the dayin after." the war of flattery, for the purpose of obta ining anThey object. occasional are little false coins that you receive with one hand and pay away with To flatter the other. requires a profound knowledge of human nature and of the character of to It your compliment is subject; a commonskilfully, practice with it is men sufficient to abstain that from you grave are conversation a pupil of Spurzheim. with women. Andin is the general habit judicious. If the woman is H young, gay and trifling, talk to her only of the fashions, the latest gossip of the day, etc. But this in other cases is not to be done. are Most, a little women old, who particularly married women,-and even some who are young-wish t o obtain a for intellect and an acquaintance With science. You therefore pay the reputation m a gratify and real compliment, their self-love, by conversing occasionally upon grave matters, whic h they not understand, do and do not really relish. You may interrupt a discussion on the beauty by observing of a dahlia, that as you know that they take an interest in such things you ment ionathe of newdiscovery method of analyzing curves of double curvature. Men who talk only of tr ifles be Talk popular to will a mother rarely with women aboutpast her children. twenty-five. Women are never tired of hearing of themsel vesyou If children. andgo their to a house where there are children you should take especial care to c onciliate good will by their a little manly tete-a-tete , otherwise you may get a ball against y ourbe be To tumbled skins, able to or converse from a three-legged with women chair. you must study their vocabulary. You would mak e anot in Do interpreting great be for mistake ever never, telling forever a woman , asthat theyshe areis explained handsome, inwitty, Johnson. etc. She knows t
Do not hat better a vast thandeal allow you your do. love for one woman to prevent your paying attention to others. your A The little object love pride, isof thewhich only reminds one who you ought what to is perceive due toit. yourself, and a little good nat ure, is what which duesuggests to others, are the pre-requisites for the moral constitution of a ge Too much vivacity and too much inertness are both fatal to politeness. By the fo ntleman. rmeradmirari too Nil far, we are by the hurried , the latter precept we are of stoicism, kept too much is the back. precept for conduct among gentlem en. All must be studiously excitement avoided. When you are with ladies the case is different. Amon g them, astonishment, Never dispute wonder, ecstacy, in the presence and enthusiasm, of other persons. are necessary If a man in order states toan beopinion believed. which say younothing. cannot adopt, If he states a fact which is of little importance, you may careless ly you you If assent. differ wishlet When to inquire it be indirectly; about anything, ratherdo a not wantdo ofit assent lay asking than actual a question; dissent. but i ntroduce and give the person subject, an opportunity of saying as much as he finds it agreeable to even impart. say,Do "How notis your brother to-day?" but "I hope your brother is quite well." It Never is a ask point a lady of courtly a question etiquette about anything which iswhatever. observed rigorously by every one who that Never draws aask nigh, question a question must about never the be put price to of a king. a thing. This horrible error is often co mmitted riche If you.have by aaccepted nouveau an invitation to a party never fail to keep your promise. I t is of lady cruel theto house the to accept, and then send an apology at the last moment. Especi ally word your do not onbreak account of bad weather. You may be certain that many others will, a nd the will beinciter mortified by the paucity of her guests. A cloak and a carriage will secu re you from alland you will be conferring a real benefit. CHAPTER V. THE ENTRANC inconvenience, E INTO,SOCIETY. Women particularly women a little on the decline, are those who make the reput ationWhen man. of athe young lustre of their distinction begins to fade, a slight feeling of le ss wonted perhaps a little leisure, spite, makes them observe, attentively those who surround them. gain Eager new toadmirers, they encourage the first steps of a debutant in the career of exert A society, young themselves man, andtherefore, to fit in himentering to do honour the world, to their cannot patronage. be too attentive to concil iate of women. the goodwill Their approbation and support will serve him instead of a thousand goo d qualities. Their judgment dispenses with fortune, talent, and even intelligence. "Les homme s font lois: The desire les lesfemmes of pleasing font les is,reputations." of course, the basis of social connexion. Persons who with enter the society intention of producing an effect, and of being distinguished, however c lever may be, they are never agreeable. They are always tiresome, and often ridiculous. Per sons, life enter who with such pretensions, have no opportunity for improving themselves a nd experience. by profiting They are not in a proper state to observe : indeed, they look onl y for they which the effect produce, and with that they are not often gratified. They thrust them selves all conversations, into indulge in continual anecdotes, which are varied only by dull listen disquisitions, to others with impatience and heedlessness, and are angry that they seem to themselves. be attendingSuch men go through scenes of pleasure, enjoying nothing. They ar e equally disagreeable to themselves and others. Young men should, therefore, content them with being natural. Let them present themselves with a modest assurance: let the selves m observe, hear, The conversation and examine, ofand those before women long whothey are not willthe rival most their lavishly models. supplied with pers onal be will beauty, of the most advantage to the young aspirant. Such persons have cultivate d their and conversation manners more than those who can rely upon their natural endowments. The pride absence andof pretension has improved their, good nature and their affability. They are not much occupied too in contemplating their own charms, to be disposed to indulge in ge ntle on others. criticism One acquires from I them an elegance in one's manners as well as one' s expressions. Their kindness pardons every error, and to instruct or reprove, their acts are s o delicate that the lesson which they give, always without offending, is sure to be profita ble, it Women may though observe be often all unperceived. the delicacies of propriety in manners, and all the shades of much better than men; not only because they attend to them earlier and longer, b impropriety, ut because their perceptions are more refined than those of the other sex, who are habitually emp loyed greater The whims about things. and caprices Women divine, of women rather in society than arrive shouldat, of course proper be conclusions. tolerated by men, require who themselves toleration for greater inconveniences. But this must not be carried too far.certain are There limits to empire which, if they themselves forget, should be pointed with out delicacy to them and politeness. You should be the slave of women, but not of all t heir fancies. Compliment is the language of intercourse from men to women. But be careful to a voidcommon-place and elaborate forms of gallant speech. Do not strive to make those long eulog ies onhave which a woman, the regularity and nice dependency of a proposition in Euclid, and mi ght be fittingly concluded by Q. E. D. Do not be always undervaluing her rival in a woman's prese nce, a woman's nor mistaking daughter for her sister. These antiquated and exploded attempts denote who The a person has learned quality which the a young world man moreshould from books most affect than men. in intercourse with gentlemen, is a decent modesty: but he must avoid all bashfulness or timidity. His flights must not go toofar so Among far; persons asbut, theywho go,are letmuch themyour be marked seniors bybehave perfect with assurance. the utmost respectful defere nce. themselves find As they sliding out of importance they may be easily conciliated by a li
By far ttle respect. the most important thing to be attended to, is ease of manner. Grace may be be or added omitted afterwards, altogether: it is of much less moment than is commonly believed. P erfect and entire propriety ease are sufficient qualifications for standing in society, and abund ant distinction. for There prerequisites is the most delicate shade of difference between civility and intrusivenes s, familiarity and common-place, pleasantry and sharpness, the natural and the rude, gaiety and hence carelessness; the inconveniences of society, and the errors of its members. To define we ll in distinctions, these conduct is the great art of a man of the world. It is easy to know w hatto is Long to usage-a know do; what the sort difficulty toof avoid. moral magnetism, a tact acquired by frequent and long assoc iating with give those qualities which keep one always from error, and entitle others-alone him name A young to ofthe a thorough man upon first gentleman. entering into society should select those persons who are for most the celebrated propriety and elegance of their manners. He should frequent their compan y and conduct. their imitate There is a disposition inherent, in all, which has been noticed b y Horace by Dr. Johnson, and to imitate faults, because they are more readily observed and mo re easily There are,followed. also, many foibles of manner and many refinements of affectation, whi ch sit upon one agreeably man, which if adopted by another would become unpleasant. There are eve n some of deportment excellences which would not suit another whose character is different. For suc cessful in anything, imitation good sense is indispensable. It is requisite correctly to appreciat e the natural differences between your model and yourself, and to introduce such modifications as Let inmay thebe not copy any consistent man imagine, withthat it. he shall easily acquire these qualities which will him constitute a gentleman. It is necessary not only to exert the highest degree of art, bu t to higher that attain accomplishment also of concealing art. The serene and elevated dignity wh ich mark that character, are the result of untiring and arduous effort. After the sculptu re has the shape attained of propriety, it remains to smooth off all the marks of the chisel. "A says gentleman," a celebrated French author, "is one who has reflected deeply upon all the o which belong to his station, and who has applied himself ardently to fulfil them bligations Polite with grace." without importunity, gallant without being offensive, attentive to the co mfortemploying all; of a well-regulated kindness, witty at the proper times, discreet, i generous, he exercises, in his sphere, a high degree of moral authority; he it i ndulgent, s, and that Always one heshould remember alone,that imitate. the terms CHAPTER ofVI. compliment LETTERS.at the close of a letter-"I have th e honour your veryto obedient be servant," etc. are merely forms-"signifying nothing." Do not avoid them on account of pride, or a dislike to the person addressed. Do not pre therefore sume, do, toas found someexpectations of favour or promotion from great men who profess them selves obliged In writing your servant. a letter of business it is extremely K vulgar to use satin or glazed gold-edged Always employ, paper. on such occasions, plain American paper. Place the date at the to p ofif and the you page, please, the name of the person at the top also, just above the 'Sir;' is In though indifferent. letters this tolast gentlemen always place the date at the end of the letter, below hi s name. best paper, Use but the not figured, and never fail to enclose it in an envelope. Attent ionato matters To person these is indispensable. whom you do not know well, say Sir, not 'Dear Sir.' It formerly was usual to a distinguished in writing man to employ the form 'Respected Sir,' or something of the k ind.out now There This are ofa is fashion. great many forms observed by the French in their letters, which are necessary be known before to addressing one of that nation. You will find them in their books or upon learn such them subjects, from your French master. One custom of theirs is worthy of adoptio n among us:the proportion to distance between the 'Sir' and the first line of the letter, to t he rankto person ofwhom the you write. Among the French to neglect attending to this would gi ve obtains It mortal offence. also in other European nations. When the Duke of Buckingham was at th e court some letters of Spain, passed between the Spanish minister Olivez and himself,-the two pro udest on earth. men The Spaniard wrote a letter to the Englishman, and put the 'Monsieur' on abeginning the line withof his letter. The other, in his reply, placed the 'Monsieur' a li ttle A Wafers note below of invitation are it. entirely now or exploded. reply is always A letter to of be business enclosed is in sealed an envelope. with red wax, a nd marked some common with stamp. Letters to gentlemen demand red wax sealed with your arms. In employ Of notes visits to there coloured ladiesare wax,various but notsorts; perfumed. visits CHAPTER of congratulation, VII. VISITS. visits of condolenc e,visit of A Visits visits ceremony, of and ceremony an visits insult should ofmust friendship. be bevery always short. Toreturned. each Gobelong at some different time when customs. business demands t he you of If employment every call moment. to see Inan visits acquaintance of friendship at lodgings, adopt aand different cannot find course. any one to annou nce you, very lightly you at knock the door, and wait some time before entering. If you are in too great you Respectable might a hurry, find visitors the person should drawing be received off a and night-cap. treated with the utmost courtesy. Bu t if a tiresome fellow, after wearying all his friends, becomes weary of himself, and arrives to tediousness bestow his upon you, pull out your watch with restlessness, talk about your gre at occupations and the value of time. Politeness is one thing; to be made a convenience of is a The style of your conversation should always be in keeping with the character of nother. You themust visit. not talk about literature in a visit of condolence, nor about political
When a economy visit a lady of inceremony. visits you, upon her retiring, you offer her your arm, and conduct h er you If to her arecarriage. visiting at the same time with another lady, you should take leave at and After Pay Annual thethe hand same avisits hall, first her time, into a dinner, visit are her paid tocarriage. aor to friend persons a concert, just with returned you whom visit you from during have a a voyage. the week. cool acquaintance, They v isit autumn, In paying youyou in a visit the under return a card ordinary in the circumstances, spring. you leave a single card. If ther e be in the residing family, a married daughter, an unmarried sister, a transient guest, or an y distinct a person insituation from the mistress of the house, you leave two cards, one fo r each If you are party. acquainted with only one member of a family, as the husband, or the w ife, to indicate and youthat wishyour visit is to both, you leave two cards. Ladies have a fashi on ofone down pinching corner of a card to denote that the visit is to only one of two parties corners, in a house, or one andside two of the card, when the visit is to both; but this is a trans ientin dubious If, mode, paying respectability. andaof morning visit, you are not recognized when you enter, mention yo ur you If namecall immediately. to visit one member, and you find others only in the parlour, introd ucethem. to When yourself a gentleman Much awkwardness is about to maybe occur married, through he sends defectcards, of attention a day or totwo this before point. the he event, is into the all habit whomof visiting. These visits are never paid in person, but the c ards at any sent hour byin a the servant, morning; or the gentleman goes in a carriage, and sends them in. After some day is marriage, appointed and made known to all, as the day on which he receives com pany.all then Hiscall friends upon him. Would that this also were performed by cards! CHAPTER VI II. PUNCTUALITY. AND When APPOINTMENTS you make an appointment, always be exact in observing it. In some places, a ndquarter a on someof occasions, an hour's grace is given. This depends on custom, and it is always better not yourself ofto it. avail In Philadelphia it is necessary to be punctual to a second, for there everybody breathes by the State-house clock If you make an appointment to meet anywhere, y ourin be body a right must line with the frame of the door at the instant the first L stroke of the great sounds. If you clock are a moment later, your character is gone. It is useless to plea d the of your evidence watch, or detention by a friend. You read your condemnation in the actio n of with who, the old polite fellows regard to your feelings, simultaneously pull out their vast chr as you enter. The tardy man is worse off than the murderer. He may be pardoned b onometers, y one Governor); If youperson, makethe an(the unpunctual is appointment with pardoned another byat none. yourHaud own house, inexpectus you should loquor be . invisib le you of If to the the world, make rest anand appointment consecrate with your a lady, time solely especially to him. if it be upon a promenade, or place, If other you accept public you must anbe appointment there a little at the before housethe of a time. public officer, or a man of busin ess, be very transact the affair punctual, with despatch, and retire the moment it is finished. CHAPTER The IX.hour DINNER. of dinner has been said, by Dr. Johnson, to be the most important hour in civilized The etiquettelife. of the dinner-table has a prominence commensurate with the dignity Like of the theceremony. historian of Peter Bell, we commence at the commencement, and thence pr oceed moment In order to when thedine, to you take theleave firstofficially, requisite is-to or vanish be invited. unseen.The length of time which precedes the invitation the dinner is always proportioned to the grandeur of the occasion, and varies two days from to two weeks. To an invitation received less than two days in advance, you will little bylose replying in the negative, for as it was probably sent as soon as the p reparations the host commenced, of you may be sure that there will be little on the table fit t o eat. y'clept You reply Those "plain to a abominations, family note ofdinners," invitation eschew immediately, like theand plague. in the most direct and unequi vocal If youterms. accept, you arrive at the house rigorously at the hour specified. It is e qually to be too inconvenient late and to be too early. If you fall into the latter error, you find every the master thingof inthe disorder; house is in his dressing-room, changing his waistcoat; the lad y is pantry; tits still inthe fire not yet lighted in the parlour. If by accident or thoughtl essnesstoo arrive yousoon, you may pretend that you called to inquire the exact hour at wh ich they having mislaid dine, the note, and then retire to walk for an appetite. If you are too is late, still the Heater, evil and indeed almost without a remedy. Your delay spoils the dinne r and the appetite destroys and temper of the guests; and you yourself are so much embarrassed at the you have inconvenience occasioned, that you commit a thousand errors at table. If you do not r each the until dinner house is served, you had better retire to a restaurateurs, and thence sen d annot and apology, interrupt the harmony of the courses by awkward excuses and cold accepta When the guests have all entered, and been presented to one another, if any dela nces. y occurs, theshould be of the lightest and least exciting kind; mere common-plac conversation es about the weather add late arrivals. You should not amuse the company by animated rela tions of person who one has just cut his throat from ear to ear, or of another who, the eveni ng before, choked When dinner by awas tough is announced, beef-steak theand inviter was buried rises and thatrequests morning.all to walk to the dini ng-room. then leads Hethe way, that they may not be at a loss to know whither they should p roceed. offers The great his Each distinction arm gentleman to a lady, now becomes and theyevident follow between in solemn the order. host and the guests, which it distinction is the chief effort of good breeding to remove. To perform faultlessly the ho nours of table, isthe one of the most difficult things in society: it might indeed be assert ed without fear of contradiction, much that no man has as yet ever reached exact propriety in hi
has s office hit the as mean host,between exerting himself too much and too little. His great bus iness one every is to entirely put at his ease, to gratify all his desires, and make him, in a w ord, absolutely contented with men and things. To accomplish this, he must have the genius of ta ct to and the perceive, genius of finesse to execute; ease and frankness of manner; a knowledge of the that nothing world can surprise; a calmness of temper that nothing can disturb, and a kindness of that can never be exhausted. When he receives others, he must be con disposition tent to forget himself; he must relinquish all desire to shine, and even all attempts to please by his conversation, guests and rather, do all in his power to let them please one another. them He behaves withoutto agitation, without affectation; he pays attention without an air of he protection; encourages the timid, draws out the silent, and directs conversation without it himself. He who does not do all this, is wanting M in his duty as host; he wh Sustaining o does, When mortal. allis are more seated, than the gentleman at the head of the table sends soap to every one, of plates from which the pile stand at his right hand. He helps the person at his right hand f irst,next, left There and an are at and his immensity so through of petty the whole. usages at the dinner table, such as those mentio nedthe of in Abbe the story Delille and the Abbe Cossen in the Introduction to this volume, whic h it would trifling and betedious to enumerate hers, and which will be learned by an observin g man assisting You should after at never two ask or three a gentleman dinners. or lady at the table to help you to any thing, butthe to Your always first servants. applyat the table is to attend to the wants of the lady who sits next duty to toattend you, the to your second, own. In performing the first, you should take care that the la dy has she wishes, all that yet without appearing to direct your attention too much to her plate , for is more nothing ill-bred than to watch a person eating. If the lady be something of a go urmande , andpursuit ever-zealous in of the aroma of, the wing of a pigeon, should raise an unma nageable to her mouth, portion you should cease all conversation with her, and look steadfastly i ntoFrance, part In the of the opposite aroom. dish, after having been placed upon the table for approval, is remo ved carved and by the at servants, a sideboard, and after. wards handed to each in succession. This i s extremely and worthy of acceptation in this country. But unfortunately it does convenient, prevail not as here. yet Carving therefore becomes an indispensable branch of a gentleman's You education. should no more think of going to a dinner without a knowledge of this art, t han you think ofshould going without your shoes. The gentleman of the house selects the variou s dishes the orderin in which they should be cut, and invites some particular one to perfor m the It is excessively office. awkward to be obliged to decline, yet it is a thing too often occurring country. Some persons, When in,his youhelping in carve, their you should guests, never or recommending rise from your dishes seat.to their taste, pr efaceaction such every with an eulogy on its merits, and draw every bottle of wine with an account of virtues. Others, its running into the contrary extreme, regret or fear that each dis h is as itnot should exactly be; that the cook, etc., etc. Both of these habits are grievous err ors. You leave it to should your guests alone to approve, or suffer one of your intimate friends to who vaunt is present, your wine. When you draw a bottle, merely state its age and brand, and of not vintage Do whatinsist particular it is.upon your guests partaking of particular dishes, never ask persons once, more and thannever put anything by force upon their plates. It is extremely ill-bre d, though common, toextremely press one to eat of anything. You should do all that you can to make your guestsat themselves feel home, which they never can do while you are so constantly forcing uponrecollection the their minds of the difference between yourself and them. You should never s end plate own Before away the your until clothall is removed your guests you do have not finished. drink wine unless with another. If you ar e asked wine it is to uncivil take to refuse. When you drink with another, you catch the person' s eyepoliteness. with and bow It is not necessary to say anything, but smile with an air of g reat one Some kindness. who sits near the lady of the house, should, immediately upon the remov al of the request the soup, honour of drinking wine with her, which movement is the signal for a ll this If the others. is not done, the master of the house should select some lady. He never a sksyou but If gentlemen, they have askdrunk him; with this every is a refined one at the custom, table, attended and wish to more in the wine, bestyou company. must wait is till removed. the cloth The decanter is then sent round from the head of the table, each per son fills glass, andhis all the company drinks the Health of all the company. It is enough if master you bow and tomistress the of the house, and to your opposite neighbour. After this the Some ladies oneretire. rises to open the door for them, and they go into the parlour, the gent lemen to After drink remaining the more ladies wine. have retired, the service of the decanters is done. The host dr aws the which have bottles been standing in a wine cooler since the commencement of the dinner. The bottle down the left goes side and up the right, and the same bottle never passes twice. If youdinner always At do pass notnever drink, the call bottle for toale your orneighbour. porter; it is coarse, and injures the taste for It was formerly the custom to drink porter with cheese. One of the few real impr wine. ovements by the "Napoleon introduced of the realms of fashion" was to banish this tavern liquor and substitute . The dictum port of Brummell was thus enunciated: "A gentleman never malts , he port
A gentleman s ." should always express his preference for some one sort of wine over others; as therebecause, is always a natural preference for one kind, if you say that you are in different, show that you youare not accustomed to drink wines. Your preference should not of c ourse by your bereal guided disposition; if you are afflicted by nature with a partiality for p ort, you never think should of indulging it except in your closet with your chamber-door locked. of The choice only is index fashion;-either permanent fashion (if the phrase may be used), or s ome temporary fashion created by the custom of any individual who happens to rule for a season Port in society. was drunk by our ancestors, but George the Fourth, upon his accession to th e regency, his royal preference announced for sherry. It has since been fashionable to like sherry. T hiscall we Champagne is what a wine permanent is drunk fashion. after the removal of the first cloth; that is to say, be tween and the the dessert. meats One servant goes round and places before each guest a proper-sh aped glass; another follows and fills them, and they are immediately drunk. Sometimes this i s done in succession. twice The bottle does not again make its appearance, and it would excit e ayou ask If stare at a later should to happen periodto for beablessed glass of with champagne those rely wine. nuisances, children, and shou ld be entertaining company, never allow them to be brought in after dinner, unless they are particu larlyand for, asked even then it is better to say they are at school. Some persons, with th e intention paying theirof court to the father, express great desire to see the sons; but they some should mercy have upon the rest of the party, particularly N as they know that they the mselves be Never theat most would anydisturbed time, whether of all, at a ifformal their or urgent a familiar entreaty dinner was granted. party, commit the im propriety talking toof a servant: nor ever address any remark about one of them to one of th e party. can be more Nothing ill-bred. You merely ask for what you want in a grave and civil tone , and patience It is a wait piece till with your of refined order coarseness is obeyed. to employ the fingers instead of the fork to operations effect certain at the dinner table, and on some other similar occasions. To know how follow and when theto fashion of Eden, and when that of more civilized life, is one of the many points a distinguish which gentleman from one not a gentleman; or rather, in this case, which between shows the a man difference of the world, and one who has not "the tune of the time." * Cardin al adventurer an Richelieu detected who passed himself off for a nobleman, by his helping himself to o lives He fork. with might a have applied the test to a vast many other things. Yet, on the ot her hand, would loseahis gentleman reputation, if he were to take up a piece of sugar with his finge rs is the It and sugar-tongs. of not course with needless to say that your own knife should never be brought near or tosalt, the butter, or to a dish of any kind. If, however, a gentleman should send his plat e foryou, near anything and a knife cannot be obtained immediately, you may skilfully avoid al l censure using When you hissend by your knife to plate procure for it. anything, you leave your knife and fork upon it, cr ossed. have done, Whenyou youlay both in parallel lines on one side. A render who occupies him self about matters, may greater smile at this precept. It may, indeed, be very absurd, yet such is the tyranny custom, thatof if you were to cross your knife and fork when you have finished, th e most and strong-minded reasonable man at the table could not help setting you down, in his own m ind,chief person. The as Magis a matter low-bred sequor of consideration quam probo . at the dinner table, as indeed everywhere else of inathe gentleman, life is to be perfectly composed and at his ease. He speaks deliberat ely,most the he performs important act of the day as if he were performing the most ordinary. Ye t there of trifling is no orappearance want of gravity in his manner; he maintains the dignity which is becoming vital an occasion. on so He performs all the ceremonies, yet in the style of one who p erforms at all. He no goes ceremony through all the complicated duties of the scene, as if he were " to the Some persons, manner who born." cannot draw the nice distinction between too much and too litt le,be to desiring particularly respectable, make a point of appearing unconcerned and quite to enjoyment at dinner. Such conduct not only exhibits a want of sense and a pro indifferent faneis but levity, in the highest degree rude to your obliging host. He has taken a great de al ofyou give trouble pleasure, to and it is your business to be, or at least to appear, pleased . It is to indeed, onestare thing, and wonder, and to ask for all the delicacies on the table in t he style who had lived of a all person his life behind a counter, but it is quite another to throw in to your the spirit manner and gratified air of a man who is indeed not unused to such matters, but who them When at their the yet Duke esteems fall of Wellington value. was at Paris, as commander of the allied armies, he was invited dine with Cambaceres, to one of the most distinguished statesmen and gourmands of t he time ofIn the course of the dinner, his host having helped him to some partic Napoleon. ularlyexpressed dish, recherchea hope that he found it agreeable. "Very good," said the hero of was Waterloo, probably who speculating upon what he would have done if Blucher had not come up : "Very but I really good;do not care what I eat." "Good God!" exclaimed Cambaceres,-as he st arted back dropped hisand fork, quite "frighted from his propriety,"-"Don't care what you eat! you After What come didhere the winefor, is finished, then?" you retire to the drawing-room, where the ladies are the assembled; master of the house rising first from the table, but going out of the room l
We conclude ast. to goIf before you this wish this, chapter you must by a vanish word of unseen. important counsel to the host:-Never make as is CHAPTER It apology. anX. extremely TRAVELLING. difficult affair to travel in a coach, with perfect propriety . Ten the person to one next to you is an English nobleman incognito ; and a hundred to one, theyou to manis opposite a brute or a knave. To behave so that you may not be uncivil to the on e, the other, As nor seats a dupe is an are art to assigned thesome niceness. of to passengers in the order in which they are booked, y ou have to should your send place taken a day or two before the journey, so that you may be cer tain It isof also a Oadvisable back seat. to arrive at the place of departure early, so that you assu me your without When women place dispute. appear at the door of the coach to obtain admittance, it is a matter of know to some exactly questionwhat conduct it is necessary to pursue. If the women are servant s, a in orlow persons rank of life, I do not see upon what ground of politeness or decency yo u are to yield called yourupon seat. Etiquette , and the deference due to ladies have, of course, in nothe operation case of such persons. Chivalry-(and the gentleman is the legitimate desce ndant of knight ofthe old)-was ever a devotion to rank rather than to sex. Don Quixotte, or Sir Piercy would not willingly Shafestone have given place to servant girls. And upon considerations o f humanity and regard to weakness, the case is no stronger. Such people have nerves conside rably mere robust than you have, and are quite as capable of riding backwards, or the top,a s yourself. The only reason for politeness in the case is, that perhaps the other passengers standing are of the with same the women, and might eject you from the window if you refuse to gi ve ladies If place. enter-and a gentleman distinguishes them in an instant-the case is alt ered. The sooner you move the better is it for yourself, since the rest will in the end ha ve to and you concede, will give yourself a reputation among the party and secure a better seat , byprinciple The once. rising atthat guides you in society is politeness; that which guides you in humour. a coachYou is lay goodaside all attention to form, and all strife after effect, and ta ke instead, kindness of disposition and a willingness to please. You pay a constant regard t o the of your. comfort fellow-prisoners. You take care not to lean upon the shoulder of your n eighbour you sleep. when You are attentive not to make the stage wait for you at the stoppingplaces. the ladies When get out, you offer them your arm, and you do the same when the coachm an isadriving over rough place. rapidly You should make all the accommodations to others, which you can do with your consistently own convenience; for, after all, the individuals are each like little nations; as, in the and one case, the first duty is to your country, so in the other, the fir st duty Some surly is creatures, to yourself. upon entering a coach, wrap about their persons a great co at of and about cloth, their minds a mantle of silence, which are not thrown off during the w hole is This journey. doing more harm to themselves than to others. You should make a point of an conversing appearance with of entire freedom, though with real. reserve, with all those who a re so One purpose disposed. and pleasure of travelling is to gain information, and to observe th e various of persons. characters You will be asked by others about the road you passed over, and it w illyou if be can awkward give no account of it. Converse, therefore, with all. Relate amusing stories, of other countries, chiefly and even of other times, so as not to offend any one. If eng aged a coach in is discussion-and almost the only place where discussion should not be avoided-state fa ctsthe rather At andmeals than arguments opinions. which occur Never during answer a journey, impudentyou questions-and seed beautiful never exemplification ask them. of of the Hobbes, dictum"that war is the natural state of man." The entire scene is one of un intermitted of every person war with every other person, with the viands, and with good manners. mouth You open onlyyour to admit edibles and to bellow to the waiters. Your sole object is yo urself. wine without You drink asking your neighbour to join you; and if he should be so silly as to ask him some you specified to hand dish, you blandly comply; but in the passage to him, you tran sfer of its the contents whole to your own plate. There is no halving in these matters. Rapacit y, roaring, and rapidity are the three requisites for dining during a journey. When you have seat Never resumed in assume the your coach, any unreal you are importance as blandin asaastage-coach, morning in spring. founded on the ignorance of and your their fellows, inability to detect it. It is excessively absurd, and can only gratify and a momentary foolish vanity; for, whenever you might make use of your importance, you wou ld at be probably once discovered. There is an admirable paper upon this point in one of Joh nson's The friendship Adventurers. which has subsisted between travellers terminates with the journe y. When you get out, a word, a bow, and the most unpleasant act of life is finished and forgotten. XI. Invitations BALLS. CHAPTER to a ball should be issued at least ten days in advance, in order to to give thean men opportunity to clear away engagements; and to women, time to prepare the artiller y of the Cards Upon their of entrance invitation toilet.ofshould ladies, beor sent-not personsnotes. entitled to deference, the master of the them house across precedes the room: he addresses compliments to them, and will lose his life t o procure seats. While dancing P themwith a lady whom you have never seen before, you should not talk t o her The master much.of the ceremonies must take care that every lady dances, and press in to service that purpose for these young gentlemen who are hanging round the room like fossils.
When by If To Never desired him you usurp any go tomember have the to dance no a seat public ear, with of of athat a person ball. family particular is, CHAPTER is awho false dead, lady is XII. one, dancing it you FUNERALS. is never should customary is the dance. refuse height to send onof no intelligence incivility. account. of the all misfortune who haveto been connected with the deceased in relations of business or friend ship. which An invitation The sent are letters of contain this sort a special shouldinvitation never he refused, to assist though, at theof funeral. course, you do no t send for no other a reply, reason that I know of, excepting the impossibility of framing any f ormula You render of acceptance. yourself at the house an hour or two after the time specified. If you in were theto mournful sit long circle you might be rendered unfit for doing any thing for a wee Your dress is black, and during the time of waiting you compose your visage into k. 'haviour," a "tristful and lean in silent solemnity upon the top of your cane, thinking abou t-last This party. night's is a necessary hypocrisy, and assists marvellously the sadness of th e ceremony. You walk in a procession with the others, your carriage following in the street. are The Thecoffins yielded first places to persons of the relations of distinction of the deceased. are carried in the hands of bearers, who w alk walk hats You with off.with theiranother, in seemly order, and converse in a low tone; first upon t he property the defunct,of and next upon the politics of the day. You walk with the others int o the service where church, is said over the body. It is optional to go to the grave or not. W hen you A funeral you goin enter your away, the carriage morning, and a ball return into the your evening,"-so business or runs your the pleasures. world away." CHAPT ER XIII. are Servants SERVANTS. a necessary evil. He who shall contrive to obviate their necessity, their or remove inconveniences, will render to human comfort a greater benefit than has ye t been by all the conferred useful-knowledge societies of the age. They are domestic spies, who c embarrass the intercourse of the members of a family, or possess themselves of p ontinually rivate that renders information their presence hateful, and their absence dangerous. It is a rare t hing to who persons see are not controlled by their servants. Theirs, too, is not the only k itchen which If we judge begins cabinet from by serving the frequency and ends and byinconvenience ruling. of an opposite course, we shoul d sayimportant most that the precept to be observed is, never to be afraid of your servants. W e have many ladies knownwho, without any reason in the world, lived in a state of perfect su bjugation their servants, to who were afraid to give a direction, and who submitted to disobe dience insult, If a servant and whereoffends no danger youcould by any betrifling apprehended or occasional from discharging omission them. of duty, reprove mild the severity; fault withif the error be repeated often, and be of a gross description, ne ver discharge but hesitate, the servant instantly, without any altercation of language. You ca nnot find As for easily another those precautions who will serve which youare worse. ordinarily taken, to secure the procurenee of they goodare, servants, without exception, utterly useless. The author of the Rambler has rema rked, a written thatcharacter of a servant is worth about as much as a discharge from the Old once, but Bailey. took I never, any trouble to inquire what reputation a servant had held in form er that On situations. occasion, I heard that I had engaged the very Shakspears of menials,-Ari stides not more was honest,-Zeno more truth-telling,-nor Abdiel more faithful. This fellow, insulting after me daily for a week, disappeared with my watch and three pair of boots . Those offices which profess to recommend good domestics, are " bosh ,-nothing." In nine out of ten, cases the keepers are in league with the servants; and in the tenth, ignor ance, or carelessness dishonesty, will prevent any benefit resulting from,their "intelligence." Al l that you can do is, to take the most decent creature who applies; trust in Providence , and speak thing Never lock every up. harshly, or superciliously, or hastily to a servant. There are many littledistinguish, which actions to the eye of the most careless observer, a gentleman from on e not but there a gentleman; is none more striking than the manner of addressing a servant. Issue y our commands with gravity and gentleness, and in a reserved manner. Let your voice be compose d,tone a but of avoid familiarity or sympathy with them. It is better in addressing them to usevoice, of a higher andkey not to suffer it to fall at the end of a sentence. The best bred m an whom the pleasure we ever of meeting, had always employed, in addressing servants, such forms of speech as thank you for so and so,"-" Such a thing, if you please,"-with a gen these-"I'll tle tone, very elevated but key. The perfection of manner, in this particular, is, to indicate that by your the performance language, is a favour, and by your tone that it is a matter of course . While, however, you practise the utmost mildness and forbearance in your languag e, avoid the dangerous and common error of exercising too great humanity in action. No se rvant, the time from of the first Gibeonite downwards, has ever had too much labour imposed upon him;should thousands Servants whilebeen have always rained be allowed, by the mistaken and indeed kindness directed, of their to gomasters. to church on Sunda y afternoon. For this purpose, dinner is served earlier on that day than usual. If it can be the servants should be induced to attend the same church as the family with whom accomplished, there they may live; bebecause reason to fear that if they profess to go elsewhere, they may not g o tothe and church habit atof all; wandering about the streets with idlers, will speedily ruin the that Servants bestever servant should stood be behind directed a chair. to announce visitors. This is always done abroad, an d is aallow Never custom. convenient a female servant to enter a parlour. If all the male domestics are g one out, better Some ladies that it are is inshould there the habit be no ofattendance amusing their at all. friends with accounts of the diffi
good servants, culty of getting etc. This denotes decided illbreeding. Such subjects should never topics If beamade servant of conversation. offends you by any grossness of conduct, never rebuke the offence u pon indeed nor the spot, notice it at all at the time; for you cannot do it without anger, and rise without to agiving scene . Prince Puckler Muskaw was, very properly, turned out of the Tr avellers' for In the throwing house Club a fork of another, at one orof when thethere waiters. is any company present in your own, never the converse servants. withThis most vulgar, but not uncommon, habit, is judiciously censured of Fashion innovels,-the thatis best a tyranny Zelucofounded of Dr. only Moore. onCHAPTER assumption. XIV. The FASHION. principle upon which its in fluence is one deeply rests,based in the human heart, and one which has long been observed and upon longin practised every department of life. In the literary, the religious, and the politi calhas it "Like "Qui world, sibi women, been fidit, an born assured dux to regit beand controlled, very profitable examen," Stoops is a maxim conclusion, to the of universal forward that and the truth. the public, bold." Pococurante, in Candide, was admired for despising Homer and Michel Angelo; he would have gained little d by praising them. The judicious application of this rule to society, is the orig istinction in despair In of fashion. of attaining greatness of quality, it founds its distinction only on We have spoken elsewhere of those complex and very rare accomplishments, whose u peculiarity. nion to constitute is requisite a gentleman. We know of but one quality which is demanded for a ma n of An impudence fashion,-impudence. (self-confidence "the wise it call") as impenetrable as the gates o f Pandemonium-a coolness and imperturbability of self-admiration, which the boaster in Spencer m ight envy-a contempt of every decency, as such, and an utter imperviousness to ridicule,-the se are the amiable and dignified qualities which serve to rear an empire over the weakness anddefine of To men. cowardice the character of that which is changing even while we survey it, is a task of no small difficulty. We imagine that there is only one means by which it may be always de scribed, that it consists viz., in an entire avoidance of all that is natural and rational. Its effeminacy essence istakes affectation; the place of manliness; drawling stupidity, of wit; stiffness a ndof , hauteur ease and civility; and self-illustration, of a decent and respectful regard Ato man others. of fashion must never allow himself to be pleased. Nothing is more decided ly de ton than mauvais any expression of delight. He must never laugh, nor, unless his penetra tion ismust great, veryhe even smiled; for he might by ignorance smile at the wrong place o r time. is emotion Allto real be avoided; all sympathy R with the great or the beautiful is to b e shunned; the At the liveliest house yet of feeling an acquaintance, may be exhibited he must upon never thepraise, death of nor a even poodle-dog. look, at the pic tures, the curtains, the carpets, or the ottomans, because if he did, it might be supposed that he w as such to About nottwo accustomed things. years ago, it began to be considered improper to pay compliments to wo men, if they because are not paid gracefully they are awkward, and to pay them gracefully is difficult. the presentAt time it is considered dangerous to man's pretensions to fashion, in England, speak to women to at all. Women are voted bores , and are to be treated with refine d rudeness. There is no possible system of manners that will serve to exhibit at once the un civility the high refinement and which should characterize the man of fashion. He must theref ore haveat manners noall. He must behave with tame and passive insolence, never breaking i nto active excepting towards unprotected women and clergymen. Persons of no impo effrontery he does not see, and is not conscious of their existence; those who have the sam rtance e standing, treats with easy he scorn, and he acknowledges the distinction of superiors only by and patronizing protecting them. A man of fashion does not despise wealth; he cannot but thi nk that which Fashion procures valuable is so completely to others distinguished the honour of from paying good forbreeding, his suppers. that it is even oppos ed in is to fact it. It a system of refined vulgarity. What, for example can be more vulgar t han incessantly talking about forms and customs? about silver forks and French soup? A gentleman conventional follows these habits; but he follows them as matters of course. He looks upon the m asessential and the ordinary customs of refined society. French forks are to him things as indi as a table-cloth; and he thinks it as unnecessary to insist upon the one as upon spensable he the sees other. a person If who eats with his knife, he concludes that that person is ignor antthe of of world, the usages but he does not shriek and faint away like a Bond-street dandy. If where he dines there atare a table no silver forks, he eats his dinner in perfect propriety with st eel, andby neither exhibits, manner nor by speech, that he perceives any error. To be sure, he for ms histhe about ownrank opinion of his entertainer, but he leaves it to such new-made gentry as M r. his in Theodore vulgar Hook, fashionable novels, to harangue about such delinquencies. The vulg arity of upon these matters is scarcely less offensive than the vulgarity of ne insisting them. glecting A He, man ofof Lady course, fashion Frances goes never Pelham outgoes ofis town to but the in one theatre; the remove summer; better he is waiting or, than if heacannot Brancton. for the afford opera. to do so, his Fashion It heis merely window-shutters, commonly makes closes all said, great andthings that appears it requires little, to bemore gone. and all to wit little perform things thegreat. part of the feel i n athe of farce master. than Without that intending any offence to the feel by the comparison, we m ay remark,of qualities that an elevated character are required for the support of the role of a in man the ofsolemn fashion farce of life. He must have invention, to vary his absurdities whe n they to be striking; cease he must have wit enough to obtain the reputation of a great deal
Brummel, possess more; and tact whose heto must career know when is one andof where the most to crouch, extraordinary and where onand record, when must to insult. have exer cised, the period during of his social reign, many qualities of conduct which rank among the h ighest of our race. endowments For an obscure individual, without fortune or rank, to have conceiv ed placing of the ideahimself at the head of society in a country the most thoroughly arist ocratic too relying in Europe, upon no other weapon than well-directed insolence; for the same indi vidual have triumphed to splendidly over the highest and the mightiest-to have maintained a contest with royalty itself, and to have come off victorious even in that stroggle-for s uch an one ordinary faculties no must have been demanded. Of the sayings of Brummel which have it been is difficult preserved,to distinguish whether they contain real wit, or are only so sub limely absurdly We add here and impudent so a few anecdotes that they of look Brummel, like witty. which will serve to show, better than an y precepts, style When Brummel of conduct the was at which theaheight man ofof fashion his power, may pursue. he was once, in the company of some of gentlemen, the Prince speaking of Wales as a very good sort of man, who behaved himself very dece ntly, considering circumstances ; some one present offered a wager that he would not dare to give a direction this very good to sort of man. Brummel looked astonished at the remark, and decline d wager a accepting upon such point. They happened to be dining with the regent the next-day , and after pretty well fortified. being with wine, Brummel interrupted a remark of the prince's, by exclaiming very mildly and naturally, "Wales, ring the bell!" His royal highness immediatel y obeyed the command, and when the servant entered, said to him, with the utmost coolness "Show and firmness, Mr. Brummel to his carriage." The dandy was not in the least dejected by h is expulsion; but meeting the prince regent, walking with a gentleman, the next day in the str eet,to bow hehim, did but not stopping the other, drew him aside and said, in a loud whisper, "Who isof FRIEND that ours?" FAT It must be remembered that the object of this sarcasm was at th at time by annoyed exceedingly his increasing corpulency; so manifestly so, that Sheridan remarked, thatregent the "though professed himself a Whig, he believed that in his heart he was he. fr iend to after Shortly ." new measures this occurrence at Carlton-House, Brummel remarked to one of his f riends, "he In describing had half that aamind short tovisit cut the which young he had one,paid and to bring a nobleman old George in the intocountry, fashion." he s aid, carried only that he with had him a night-cap and a silver basin to spit in, "Because, you k now, it was impossible Brummel is to utterly once spit present in clay." of a party to which he had not been invited. After he h ad the in beenroom, some the timegentleman of the house, willing to mortify him, went up to him and said that there believed he must be some mistake, as he did not recollect having had the him honour an invitation. of sending "What is the name?" said the other very drawlingly, at the sa me feel to time in affecting his waistcoat pocket for a card. "Johnson," replied the gentleman. "J said Brummel, "oh! I remember now that the name was Thaunson (Thompson); and Jau auhnson?" hnson S Brummel Thaunson and was Thaunson, and once Jauhnson, asked how you much know, a year are he so thought much thewould same be kind required of thing." to keep a si ngle "Why, He once man with went intolerable clothes. down to a economy," gentleman's saidhouse he, "I inthink the country, it mightwithout be donehaving for L800. been ask ed to was given do so. to understand, He the next morning, that his absence would be more agree. took able, his and departure. he Some one having heard of his discomfiture, asked him how he liked the there. He replied accommodations coolly, that "it was a very decent house to spend a single nig ht have We in." mentioned that this dreaded arbiter of modes had threatened that he woul d put the regent outprince of fashion. Alas! for the peace of the British monarch, this was not an idle His dangerous boast.rival resolved in the unfathomable recesses of a mind capacious of to such commence things, and to carry on a war whose terror and grandeur should astound socie ty,audacious to to administer royalty a lesson which should never be forgotten, and finally to re tire, when retire he must, with mementos of his tremendous power around him, and with the m ightiest the earthof at his feet. Inventive and deliberate were the counsels which he medit ated; and resolute sublimewas the conduct he adopted. He decided, with an originality of geni us to the conqueror which of Marengo might have vailed, that the neck of the foe was the poi nt at fatal first which shaft the of his excommunicating ire should be hurled. With rapid and de cisive he concentrated energy all his powers for instantaneous action. He retired for a day to of the solitude, seclusion to summon and to spur the energies of the most self-reliant mind in lion Europe, draws asback the to gather courage for the leap. As, like the lion, he drew back; did so,he like spring the forward lion, upon his prey. At a ball given by the Duchess of Devonshir e, when the assembly were whole conversing upon his supposed disgrace, and insulting by their male one whom they had disgusted by their adulation, Brummel suddenly stood in the mi volence dst ofit Could them. be indeed Brummel? Could it be mortal who thus appeared with such an en cincture glory about of his radiant neck? Every eye was upon him, fixed in stupid admiration; every tongue,recovered slowly as it from its speechless paralysis, faltered forth "what a cravat!" What a cravat indeed! Hundreds that had, a moment before, exulted in unwonted freedom, bowed b efore the homage it with of servile adoration. What a cravat! There it stood; there was no dou bting no believing its entity, it an illusion. There it stood, smooth and stiff, yet light and alm
delicate ost transparent; as the music of Ariel, yet firm as the spirit of Regulus; bending with the grace locks, yetof erect Apollo's with the majesty of the Olympian Jove: without a wrinkle, witho ut anaindentation. What cravat! The regent "saw and shook;" and uttering a faint gurgle from bene ath which bag the wadded surrounded his royal thorax, he was heard to whisper with dismay, "D-n cravat!" It him! is stated, what The a triumph upon what wasauthority complete.we know not, that his royal highness, after pa ssing in night a sleepless vain conjectures, despatched at an early hour, one of his privy-counsel lors to Brummel, offering carte blanche if he would disclose the secret of that mysterious cravat . But animus atrox the " Catonis " disdained the bribe. He preferred being supplicated, to b eing by kings. bought, "Go," said he to the messenger, with the spirit of Marius mantling in his the and For veins, tell truth your "Go, master of another thatanecdote, you have connected seen his master." with this cravat, we have indisputa ble A young evidence. nobleman of distinguished talents and high pretensions as to fortune and this rank, fatal saw band, and eager to advance himself in the rolls of fashion, retired t o his to endeavour chamberto penetrate the method of its construction. He tried every sort of many known, sorts andof unknown stiffeners to accomplish the end-paper and pasteboard, and shavings, wadding, and shingles, and planks,-all were vainly experienced. Gargantua could exhibited not have a greater invention of expedients than he did; but vainly. After a for tnight of closest application, the ardour of study and anxiety of mind combined, brought him t o the of thebrink grave. His mother having ascertained the origin of his complaint, waited uponwas who Brummel, the only living man that could remove it. She implored him, by every hum an motive, say but oneto word, to save the life of her son and prevent her own misery. But th e tyrant and When, the atyoung was immoveable, length, manyielding expired to a victim that strong of hisnecessity sternness. which no man can control, Bru mmel Napoleon, like was obliged, to abdicate, the mystery of that mighty cravat was unfolded. Ther e was his after found, departure to Calais, written on sheet of paper upon his table, the fol lowing of scorn: epigram " Starch is the man ." The cravat of Brummel was merely-starched! Henc eforth was Brummel Physically introduced starch still there lives, into is something every. an obscure cravat toconsul command in Europe. inour a petty admiration European in the town. history of a man whohis at thus mercy laysall ranks of men,-the lofty and the low, the great, the powerful an d the vain: morally and seriously, but no character is more despicable than that of the mere man Seeking of fashion, nothing but notoriety, his path to that end is over the ruins of all tha t isnature. our worthy He in knows virtue only to despise it; he makes himself acquainted with only human tofeelings outrage them. He commences his career beyond the limits of decency, and endsregions the it far of in infamy. Feared by all and respected by none, hated by his worship pers by himself, and despised he rules,-an object of pity and contempt: and when his power is past , his is forgotten; existence he lives on in an, oblivion which is to him worse than death, and the devotee goad The stings him toof the of memory fashion grave. is a trifler unworthy of his race; the mere gentleman is a character may in time become which somewhat tiresome; there is a just mean between the two, wher e a better than eitherconduct is to be found. It is that of a man who, yielding to others, still m aintains and whosehis concessions self-respect, to folly are controled by good sense; who remembers the va lue of trifles without forgetting the importance of duties, and resolves so to regulate his con duct that neither others may be offended by his stiffness, nor himself have to regret his Live therefore among men-to conclude our homily after the manner of Quarles-live levity. among therefore men, like them, yet not disliking thyself; and let the hues of fashion be reflected thee, but let fromthem not enter and colour thee within. CHAPTER VIII. MISCELLANEOUS . There is nothing more in bred in the world than continual talking about good bre You should never employ the word " genteel ;" the proper word is " respectable . eding. " If you are walking down the street with another person on your arm, and stop to sayone to something of your friends, do not commit the too common and most awkward error of i ntroducing persons to one suchanother. Never introduce morning visitors, who happen to meet in your parlour without being acquainted. If you should be so introduced, remember that the acqu afterwards goes for nothing: you have not the slightest right to expect that the aintance ever If other you speak should wish to toyou. be introduced to a lady, you must always have her consent previou sly asked; formality Presents are it this is not the guage necessary of friendship. to observe They inalso the serve ease of togentlemen increase it, alone. and give i t permanence. Among friends presents ought to be made of things of small value; or, if valuabl e, their should beworth derived from the style of the workmanship, or from some accidental cir rather than from the inherent and solid richness. Especially never offer to a la cumstance, dy a gift great cost: ofit is in the highest degree indelicate, and looks as if you were des irous her under of placing an obligation to you, and of buying her good will. The gifts made by l adies are ofto the gentlemen most refined nature possible: they should be little articles not purc hased, but deriving a priceless value as being the offspring of their gentle skill; a littl e picture their To persons pencil, from much oryour a trifle superiors, from their or gentlemen needle. whom you do not know intimately, th ereyou species If is make but of appropriate one a present, and present,-game. it is praised by the receiver, you should not yoursel
it. f commence If one is undervaluing offered to you, always accept it; and however small it may be, rec eiveexpressed and it with civil thanks, without any kind of affectation. Avoid all such deprecator y phrases, as To Avoid "I the children, fearhabit I the robof you," only employing presents etc. French whichwords you offer in English are sugar-plums conversation; and it bon-bons is in extr . emely to be always bad taste employing such expressions as ci-devant, soi-disant, en masse, coul eur , etc. de Do rose not salute your acquaintances with bon jour , nor reply to every propo sition, . In speaking volontiers of French cities and towns, it is a mark of refinement in education to pronounce them rigidly according to English rules of speech. Mr. Fox, the best French scho lar, of the and best onebred men in England, always sounded the x in Bourdeaux , and the s i n Calais, all In society, occasions and avoid on having those pronounced such names peculiar justpreferences as they arefor written. some subjects, which are denominated. vulgarly " hobby horses ." They make your company a bore to all your friends ; and some creature will kind-hearted take advantage of them and trot you, for the amusement of the comp A certain degree of reserve, or the appearance of it, should be maintained in yo any. ur intercourse with your most intimate friends. To ordinary acquaintances retain the utmost res allowing them to read your feelings, not, on the other hand, attempting to take erve-never any liberties with them. Familiarity of manner is the greatest vice of society. "Ah! allow me, says my dear a rough fellow," voice, and at the same moment a thumb and finger are extended into my snuff-box, which, in removing their prey drop half of it upon my clothes,-I look up, and re cognize to whom I a was person introduced by mistake last night at the opera. I would be glad to have such with less fellows fellowship . In former times great philosophers were said to have demons for familiars,-thereby indicating Remember, that thatall a familiar deviations manfrom is the prescribed very devil. forms, on common occasions, are vu lgar; as sending such invitations, or replies, couched in some unusual forms of speech. Alw aysthe to adhere immemorial phrase,-"Mrs. X. requests the honour of Mr, Y.'s company," and the "Mr. honour Y. has of accepting Mrs. X.'s polite invitation." Never introduce persons wi th new-coined or any outlandish expressions; but perform the operation with mathematical precision A., Mr. -"Mr. When twoA.; gentlemen Mr. A. are Mr. walking A." with a lady in the street, they should not be bot h upon side ofthe her, same but one of them should walk upon the outside and the other upon the When inside. you walk with a lady, even if the lady be young and unmarried, offer your a rm always is to her.done Thisin France, and is practised in this country by the best bred pers ons. is this To done be sure, only to married women in France, because unmarried women never walk gentlemen, alone withbut as in America the latter have the same freedom as the former, thi s custom here If you beare extended should walking towith them. a woman who has your arm, and you cross the street, it i s better your arm,not andto godisengage round upon the outside. Such effort evinces a palpable attentio n woman that A to is form, always should and never to be take avoided. the arms of two men, one being upon either side; nor s hould a woman a upon man carry each arm. The latter of these iniquities is practised only in Irela nd; the in perhaps former Kamskatcha. There are, to be sure, some cases in which it is necessar y for of thethe women, protection that they should both take his arm, as in coming home from a conce rt,any on When or you inreceive occasion, passing, through in company a crowd. your own house, you should never be much dressed. Th isgentleman of A is afirst the circumstance should importance neverin use good perfumes; breeding. they U are agreeable, however, upon ladies. Avoid the use of proverbs in conversation, and all sorts of cant phrases. This e rror is, by censured I believe, Lord Chesterfield, and is one of the most offensively vulgar things which can commit. a person We have frequently been astonished to hear such a slang phrase as "t he whole used by persons hog" who had pretensions to very superior standing. We would be dispo sedsuch to to apply an expression a criticism of Dr. Johnson's, which rivals it in Coarsenes s: "It salt enough has not to keep it from stinking, enough wit to prevent its being offensive. " We to advocate do not any wishfalse refinement, or to encourage any cockney delicacy: but we m ay be decent without being affected. The stable language and raft humour of Crockett and Down ing may very well doto amuse one in a morning paper, but it exhibits little wit and less g oodasense them If in the plate to be drawing-room. adopt sent to you,This at dinner, matter by should the master be "reformed or mistress altogether." of the house, yo u should take it, without always offering it to all your neighbours as was in older times consid eredspirit The necessary. of antique manners consisted in exhibiting an attention to ceremony; themodern of spiritmanners consists in avoiding all possible appearance of form. The old custom of deferring punctiliously to others was awkward and inconvenient. For, the person, in favour courtesy of whom was the shown, shocked at the idea of being exceeded in politeness, of cour se declined it, and a plate was thus often kept vibrating between two bowing mandarins, till were its cold, contents and the victims of ceremony were deprived of their dinner. In a case like this, reverse theto decision which the host has made as to the relative standing of his guests, a poor compliment is but to him, as it seems to reprove his choice, and may, besides, m aterially with his arrangements interfere by rendering unhelped a person whom he supposes attended t The same avoidance of too much attention to yielding place is proper in most oth o. er some in cases. clever Shenstone, verses, has ridiculed the folly; and Goldsmith, in his "Vicar," h
thecensured as inconvenience, of such outrageous formality. These things are now managed be tter.you person When One yields are helped and another to anything accepts atwithout a dinner any table, controversy. do not wait, with your plate untouched, others haveuntil begun to eat. This stiff-piece of mannerism is often occurring in th e country, and indeed among all persons who are not thoroughly bred. As soon as your plate is placed you, you should beforetake up your knife and arrange the table furniture around you, i f you As eat. to the do not instruments actually by which the operation of dining is conducted, it is a mat ter of that entire much propriety consequence should be observed as to their use. We have said nothing a bout of silver the use forks, because we do not write for savages; and where, excepting among we savages, find any shall who at present eat with other than a French fork?. There are occasio nallyancients, some to be found gentlemen of the old school, as it is termed, who persist in pref erring and whosteel, will insist on calling for a steel fork if there is none on the table. T hey consider modem custom an theaffectation, and deem that all affectation should be avoided. Th ey tread the prideupon of Plato, with more pride. There is often affectation in shunning affe ctation. is betterIt in things not material to submit to the established habits, especially the when, present as incase, the balance of convenience is decidedly on the part of fashion . The ordinary custom among wellbred persons, is as follows:-soup is taken with a spoon. Some f oolish a employ fashionables fork! They might as well make use of a broomstick. The fish which follo wsfork, a is eaten a knife withnot being used at all. The fork is held in the right hand, and a the piece left. of For bread any indish in which cutting is not indispensable, the same arrangeme nt isyou When correct. have upon your plate, before the dessert, anything partially liquid, or you anymust sauces, not take them up with a knife, but with a piece of bread, which is to b e saturated the juices, and withthen lifted to the mouth. If such an article forms part of the d essert, eat it with you a should spoon. In earring, steel instruments alone are employed. For fowls knife a peculiar is used, having the blade short and the handle very long. For fish a broad blade A and dinner-we pierced is used. allude silverto dinner-parties -in this country, is generally despatched w ith tooWe hurry. much do not mean, that persons commonly eat too fast, but that the courses succeed too precipitately. one anotherDinner is the last operation of the day, anti there is no sub sequent which demands business haste. It is usually intended, especially when there are no ladies , totable the sit at till nine, ten, or eleven o'clock, and it is more agreeable that the e ating be prolonged should through a considerable portion of the entire time. The conveniences also of digestion require more deliberation, and it would therefore not be unpleasant if an i nterval a quarter ofof an hour or half an hour were allowed to intervene between the meats At and dinner, the dessert. avoid taking upon your plate too many things at once. One variety of meat of vegetable and one is kind the maximum . When you take another sort of meat, or any dish no t properly you The always change fashion aof vegetable, dining yourinordinately plate. late in this country is foolish. It is borrow ed from any without England regard to the difference in circumstances between the two nations. I n London, the whole system of daily duties is much later. The fact of parliament's sitting evening during and the not in the morning, tends to remove the active part of the day to a much more hour. Whenadvanced persons rise at ten or two o'clock, it is not to be expected that the y should eight or twelve dine till in the evening. There is nothing of this sort in France. There t heyearlier. or dine at We three, have known some fashionable dinners in different cities in this c ountry late anat hour so as eight or nine o'clock. This is absurd, where the persons have al l breakfasted at eight in the morning. From four o'clock till five varies the proper hour for a dinner Never here. When you talk party are about going politics into a company at a dinner it is table of advantage or in a drawing to run over room.in your mind, b eforehand, topics of conversation the which you intend to bring up, and to arrange the manner i n which you introduce them. willYou may also refresh your general ideas upon the subjects, and r un through the details of the few very brief and sprightly anecdotes which you are going to also repeat; haveand in readiness one or two brilliant phrases or striking words which you will use upon occasion. Further than this it is dangerous to make much preparation. Ifs you co mmit speeches long to memorywith the design of delivering them, your conversation will X becom e formal, and you will be negligent of the observations of your company. It will tend also habit to impair of readiness that and quickness which it is necessary to cultivate in order to be agreeable. You must be very careful that you do not repeat the same anecdotes or let off th e sameto twice good thethings same person. Richard Sharpe, the "conversationist" as he was called kept in London, a regular book of entry, in which he recorded where and before whom he had uttered his choice severally sayings. The celebrated Bubb Doddington prepared a manuscript book of facetiae original, which he was accustomed to read over when he expected any distinguish ed you trusting The If company, lady accompany are tovisited who an gives excellent your a ball by wife any memory dances company to a ball, to but whom preserve little, be you very wish him and careful from to always drive iteration. not selects away to dance forever, herwith partners. or her. any fr iends wish If you to whom ask alienate, you a lady re entertain dance, and themshe by is reading engaged, to them do not your prefer own productions. a request for her hand at after that, the because next setshe may be engaged for that also, and for many more; and you
Awould run gentleman through have must tolong a not list expect of interrogatories, to shine in society, whicheven would the bemost absurd frivolous, and awkward. withou t a considerable stock of knowledge. He must be acquainted with facts rather than principles. He needs nosciences; sublime very but a knowledge of biography and literary history, of the fine engraving, Some arts, men asare painting, music, always etc., seenwill in the be streets of greatwith service an umbrella to him. under their arm. Such a permitted foible may tobe such men as Mr. Southey and the Duke of Wellington: but in ordinary like To men applaud it looks affectation, at a play andis the not monotony fashionable is exceedingly ; but it is boring respectable to the to sight. evince by a g entle of If oneconcurrence you finger are at a and concert, a hand or that a private you perceive musical andparty, enjoy never a goodbeat stroke time inwith an actor. your f eet things Nothing Few or your is are more cane. more unpleasant. agreeable or more difficult, than to relate anecdotes with e ntireshould They propriety. be introduced gracefully, have fit connexion with the previous remar ks,perfect in and be keeping with the company, the subject and the tone of the conversatio n; rapid be In they should short, and witty eager anddiscourse, eloquent, when and they persons should arebe excited new but and not impatient, far-fetched. as at a ba ll or in repeat nothing a promenade, but the spirit and soul of a story, leaping over the particulars. many There places are however and occasions in which you may bring out the details with advantage, but precisely, not tediously. When you repeat a true story be always extremely exact. Mem . the When Notpoint to forget you are of telling your story, a flat like anecdote most narrators. by mistake, laugh egregiously, that others may do when you the repeat same:a spirited and striking bon mot , be grave and composed, in orde r that may For notothers one be the who hassame. travelled much, to hit the proper medium between too much reserv e and too much intrusion, on the subject of his adventures, is not easy. Such a person is expec tedpleasant by to give histories amusement of his travels, and it is agreeable that he should do so, yetshould he with moderation; not reply to every remark by a memoir, commencing, "When I was in Japa Rampant witticisms which require one to laugh, are apt to grow fatiguing: it is n." better a sprightly to have and amusing vein running through your conversation, which, betraying allows Punning no effort, one is now to be decidedly grave without out ofoffence, date. Itor isto a silly smile and without displeasing pain. thing, when it becomes Some one has a called habit. it the wit of fools. It is within the reach of the most trif ling,by used and them is to often puzzle and degrade the wise. Whatever may be its merits, it is n ow is It outrespectable of fashion.to go to church once on Sunday. When you are there, behave wit h decency. should never You walk in fashionable places on Sunday afternoon. It is notoriously v ulgar. your In A gentleman conversation health If is requires distinguished avoidyou such tophrases take as much the asby air, "My his you dear composure should sir orseek madam." as by some anyretired other quality. street. H is exertions are always subdued, and his efforts easy. He is never surprised into an exclamat ionanything. by or startled Throughout life he avoids what the French call scenes , occasions o f exhibition, in which the vulgar delight. He of course has feelings, but he never exhibits an y to He hears the of world. the death of his pointer or the loss of an estate with entire calmne ss is are It when present. very others difficult for a literary man to preserve the perfect manners and exac t semblance of a gentleman. He must be able to throw aside all the qualities which authorshi p tends so deeply toupon stamp him, and thoroughly to despise the cant of the profession. Yet th is must any without be done affectation. Upon the whole, unless he has rare tact, he will please into as much company by going with all the marks of his employment upon his manners, than by awkw ardly to throw attempting off his load. One would rather see a man with his fingers inked, than t o see himto striving nervously cover them with a tattered kid glove. As to literary ladies, they ma ke is to It up not sacrifice their considered minds all present fashionable and personal to carry admiration a watch. for What future has a and fashionable abiding renown. man to besides do withhe time? never goes into those obscure parts of the town where there are no pu blichis and clocks, servant will tell him when it is time to dress for dinner. A gentleman c arries in his pantaloons his watch with a plain black ribbon attached. It is only worthy of a sho p-boy in Custom histo waistcoat allows put it to men pocket. the privilege of taking snuff, however unneat this habit ma y appear. you affectIf the "tangible smell," always take it from a box, and not from your wa istcoat or a paper. pocket The common opinion, that Napoleon took snuff from his pocket, (which way, fact, isby denied the by Bourrienne,) has for ever driven this convenient custom from t he gentlemen, of practice for the same reason that Lord Byron's anti-neckcloth fashion has c every man of sense to bind a cravat religiously about his throat. As to taking s ompelled nuff it Women isfrom vile. should a paper, abstain most scrupulously from tobacco, for nothing can be more fat al to their divinity: they should at least avoid it until V past fifty;-that is to say, if a can woman anywhere past fifty be found. Chewing is permitted only to galley-slaves and metaphysic It was a favourite maxim of Rivarol, "Do you wish to succeed? cite proper names. ians. " Rivarol dead in exile, is having left behind him little property and less reputation. Judgi ng from all if we were to frame an extreme maxim, it should be, "If you wish to experience, succeed cite a proper never name." It will make you agreeable and hated. Your conversation wil l be to with listened interest, and your company shunned with horror. You will obtain the repu tation and gossip of aa scandal-bearer, and you will soon be obliged either to purchase a r azoraor for passport. apply If you are holding a tete-a-tete with a notorious Mrs. Candour, then,tongue your indeed, should be as sharp and nimble as the forked lightning. You must beat
weapons, her at her andown convince her that it would be dangerous to traduce your character t o bachelor A others. is a person who enjoys everything and pays for nothing; a married man for is everything one that pays and enjoys nothing. The one drives a sulky through life, and is n ot take to expected care of any one but himself: the other keeps a carriage, which is always him tooafull comfortable to afford seat. Be cautious then how you exchange your sulky for a carri In ordinary conversation about persons employ the expressions men and women; gen age. tleman lady You should are and distinctive say forte-piano appellations, , not piano-forte and not to:be and used theupon street general door , occasions. not the fro nt man "A doormay . have virtue, capacity, and good conduct," says La Bruyere, "and yet b e insupportable; the air and manner which we neglect, as little things, are frequently what the w orld us In by, your judges and intercourse makes them with decide the world for oryou against must take us." persons as they are, and societ y asYou it. youmust findnever, oppose the one, nor attempt to alter the other. Society is a upon harlequin which you stage, never appear in your own dress nor without a mask. Keep your real for dispositions your fireside, and your real character for your private friend. In public, n everEND. from THE </pre> differ </div> anybody, nor from anything. The agreeable man is one who agrees . </div>

Dance Man 242

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Dance Man 242

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