To Honor

11

TO HONOR

R&R Series

D.F. Krieger

Erotic Romance

Secret Cravings Publishing

www.secretcravingspublishing.com

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A Secret Cravings Publishing Book Erotic Romance

TO HONOR R&R Series Copyright 2012 D.F. Krieger E-book ISBN: 978-1-61885-332-5

First E-book Publication: July 2012

Cover design by Dawne Dominique Edited by Michelle Rogerson Proofread by Mahalia Levey All cover art and logo copyright 2012 by Secret Cravings Publishing

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED: This literary work may not be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, including electronic or photographic reproduction, in whole or in part, without express written permission.

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Rachel Hayes' father set out to prove the existence of the Miloni temple and the Jaguar people. Tumi is a descendant of the Miloni race and is sworn to protect their secret with his life. Will he be forced to uphold his vow at the cost of his heart and Rachel's life?

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We hope our Secret Cravings books will delight you each and every month.

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Dedication

For Astridia: Though we never held you in our arms, they feel empty just the same.

For J. Herman: May the compassion you showed us forever be reflected on you.

For B. Sanders: The only therapist I've ever met that I felt like I could trust.

TO HONOR

R&R Series

D.F. Krieger

Copyright 2012

Chapter One

The lights flashed above Evelyn, bright white in rows, giving her the sense of motion. The world around her dimmed at the edges and she reached for the blessed darkness that offered to envelop her. Yes, this was what she wanted. Peace. A voice echoed on the horizon of her reality. "Please," it begged. She frowned at the voice, wishing she could shrug it away. A part of her hesitated. The voice was familiar, causing a mixture of pleasure and painso much pain that shred her very soul. Warmth wrapped around her hand, though nothing was there. A pressure, a small squeeze, a tug that caused her world to become a little more solid. "Don't leave me. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry...for everything." Sobs punctuated the words now, and the sound made Evelyn want to cry too. "insert an IV. Has she had any alcohol to drink, Mr. Moore?" IV? Evelyn struggled now, flailing at the shadows around her. The darkness had promised her freedom from all of her pain. It had bargained with her: the pain that

plagued every moment would go away forever if she just took the pills. The darkness never said anything about needles, about more pain. "No IV," she cried out. The world burst open, the fog that surrounded her evaporated in a flinch-worthy cacophony and painful, blinding light. People bustled all around her; people that averted their gazes and wore scrubs or lab coats. Curtains with bright, horrid patterns surrounded her on all four sides. Hospital! Im in a hospital. Panic welled up as two of the nurses began preparing needles. Another squeeze on her hand had her turning her head. It took a moment for her to register that her husband was sitting there, encasing her hand with both of his own. Derek's face appeared so different; pale and haggard. His chocolate eyes were red-rimmed and tears streamed freely down his face. His BDUs, usually so clean and without creases, were now rumpled and sported a few stains. "Derek?" Tears filled her voice as she beseeched him with pleading eyes. "No IV. Don't let them put an IV in me. I hate needles!" "Mrs. Moore?" A doctor patted her knee, his kind face doing nothing to alleviate the sick panic that clawed at her stomach. "I'm glad you're back with us. We're going to draw some blood to make sure the pills you took aren't causing your kidneys to shut down. We need to put an IV in and get some fluids in you to help flush your system out." His words sounded slurred in her head as a wave of dizziness crashed into Evelyn. Uncertain of what the doctor was trying to tell her, she looked to her husband for help. "No IV's," she whispered as she collapsed against the bed. "I'm sorry, honey." He choked on a sob before nodding at the doctor. "Do whatever you have too. I can't lose my wife." Evelyn wailed like a newborn baby, though the sound quickly became distant, as if the noise didn't belong to her. "How could you?" I like you more than my wife. I feel like I can't talk to her about anything anymore. Then divorce her. She's a crazy bitch anyway.

"Now you're going to feel a little sting. Just take calm, deep breaths." A nurse's voice, cheery and grating, greeted Evelyn from the fog that was settling in once more. I can't be the man for you anymore. I want a divorce. "You left me for her!" Evelyn struggled against the memories, the words. Bile rose in her throat and she couldn't get her breath. Please, just let me die! "We need an oxygen mask here!" "Stay with me, Evelyn." Derek's voice called out to her as the darkness took her once more. "I'm so sorry. Please, forgive me and stay with me."

****

Derek pressed his forehead against the cool glass of the window and exhaled. His breath fogged up the view of the night sky and he swallowed a lump in his throat at the sight. Thats how his life had been lately; whited out by a self -imposed fog. How could I have been so stupid? Moore? A hand settled on Dereks shoulder. Hows she doing? He turned to face Jonathan Flint and shook his head. Evas out cold. They gave her a sedative and shes under constant surveillance. They His voice broke as he fought to keep his self control. Humiliation, guilt, anger, fear; all of these things battled within him as he met the gaze of his superior officer. They want to put her in a mental ward. I know, Flint said. Then, in a softer tone, Its standard procedure for a suicide attempt. Derek turned to face the window again. Tears threatened to fall and he didnt want anyone to see him like this. Weak, insecure, stupid. I cant let her go, sir. Itll only make things worse. The way I understood it, Moore, theres not much choice in the matter.

I know. Derek pressed his forehead against the window once more. The sensation of defeat washed over him as he closed his eyes. If she goes, Ill lose her forever. Flint settled in one of the chairs beside where he stood. Derek opened his eyes and stared at his superior officer, a man hed known and trusted for years. Jonathans face betrayed no emotion, his features were completely passive, yet Derek wondered how much disappointment swam under the surface. Isnt that what you wanted? Divorce usually means asking to be apart, forever. There it was. Derek shook his head, though he knew the denial was useless. A vision of Evelyns face, stunned and tear streaked, appeared before his eyes. Im so fucking stupid. Flint shrugged, his face still stoic. Im not going to argue that. Evas a hell of a woman. Good cook, faithful, not bad on the eyes. I have to admit, half the chain of command wanted to know what the hell you were thinking. I wasnt. Derek met Jonathans gaze, hoping the man could see the truth. Landers has been removed from duty until further notice and is now under investigation. Youre not the first time something like this has occurred with her. He flinched at hearing his therapists name. The thought of the woman left a foul sensation in his mind and taste in his mouth. How strange, he mused, that it was the same woman who had convinced him to leave his wife. The same woman hed been having an affair with for almost a month now. An emotional affair, nothing physical had ever happened between them, but an affair just the same. Now, because of the affair, because of Toni Landers, because of his stupidity, the woman he loved was fighting to lie down and die. Derek had no one to blame but himself, really. He could have stopped the whole thing at any point, could have honored his vows. Hearing that Tonino, Landersapparently made a practice of this only made him feel sicker. Listen. Flint took out some papers from the side pocket of his BDUs and unfolded them. You two have been through hell these past few months. Both you and Landers claim the affair wasnt physical, and youve never had any infractions before. I had a talk with the chain of command and I routed this for you tonight, just after you called and said you were taking Eva to the hospital.

Derek took the offered papers with a shaking hand. He stared at the print, attempting to read the chit despite the fact the text was blurring before his eyes. Sir? Its a leave chit. A conditional leave chit. Youve been granted emergency leave to accompany your wife to a special care facility. They have the means there to treat your wifeand you. Flint paused and stared out the window. The silence lingered so long, Derek began to wonder if Jonathan was waiting for him to speak. I really hope you two can work through this, Moore. Thank you. Derek shot Flint what he knew was a half-hearted smile.

Chapter Two

Evelyn lifted her head and flinched at the bright sunlight that caressed her face. Her head ached, a dull pressure that caused her to reach up and pat her temples. To her relief, there wasnt some strange device squeezing her head. It simply felt like there was. She blinked in an attempt to clear up her blurred vision and center her thoughts. Where is Derek? For that matter, where am I? Another wave of dizziness and pain marched through her skull. Evelyn leaned back against the pillow and closed her eyes. As the pain decreased, she searched her memories for some clue as to what was going on. Bits and pieces came back, slow and stilted. The pain as needles bit into her flesh. The wail of sirens that seemed to surround her. Dereks eyes, staring at her with unshed tears swimming in their depths. I cant be the man for you anymore. I want a divorce. Derek! Derek had said those words to her. He had lashed out at her verbally, admitting he wanted a divorce. All because shed found his phone. His phone, with those text messages

Derek? Evelyn picked her husbands cell phone up as she hollered for him. Your phone is flashing. You got a text message. When silence met her, she shrugged. A flick of her thumb across the screen brought up the message. She and Derek checked each others phones all the time. It wasnt a matter of distrust so much as convenience. Moments later, the phone clattered to the ground as she stared at her hand. Surely he didnt mean what hed said. I like talking to you better than my wife. Her husband walked in the room, took one look at her, and his face went red. Evelyn wasnt sure if it was from anger or embarrassment, but it didnt matter. A kind of numbness encased her while tears streamed down her face. She didnt beg, she didnt scream, she didnt say a word. Even as Derek stood there, airing out a laundry list of reasons how shed ruined their marriage, Evelyn never fought back. He left, slamming the door behind him and a sense of peace washed over her. So many things had happened the past few months, terrible things. Events that left her awake at night, wondering how she was going to get through the next day. Shed stayed alive only because she loved her husband. Now she was free. The pills she took were hard to swallow at first. Shed always hated taking pills, hated the way they made her gag a little as they went down her throat. The more she took, the easier it was. After eighteen, she lost count, or ran out. She couldnt remember. Evelyn did remember pacing in the living room, wondering why they were not working. When she sat down on the couch, sluggishness set in, like a cool breeze on a balmy night

Mrs. Moore? A nurse stood before her, clip board in hand. I see you are awake. We have some transfer paperwork you need to sign. Evelyn sat up, using her right hand to help prop herself. She winced as pain shot across her wrist. A glance down revealed her wrist was red and swollen. A bandage stood out in pale contrast to the irritated joint, holding an IV stint firmly in.

Am I going home? Her throat, raw for reasons she couldnt fathom, caused her voice to sound raspy, tired, old. The nurse pursed her lips and dread filled Evelyn. Nurses didnt get that look unless they were either debating if they should tell you something, or already knew the news wasnt something you wanted to hear. Im sorry" the nurse started. But Im not going home, Evelyn finished for her. She shot a smile at the nurses disapproving stare. Why am I not going home? Youre being transferred to a mental health facility. The dread washed away and sickness replaced it in a quick, fiery burn. Evelyn fought the urge to wretch. A cold chill, rather at odds with the burn in her stomach, prickled along her skin. What? The word came out in a borderline shout. A look that Evelyn would almost label smug settled on the nurses features. Well, Mrs. Moore, you did try to kill yourself. With damn good reason. She pushed herself up straighten in the bed, anger and fear helping her steady herself. You try going through everything Ive been through and lets see how you handle it. Thats the kind of stuff you talk about in therapy, maam. The nurse waved the handful of paperwork in the air. I just need you to sign this and we can move along. Evelyn shook her head, crossing her arms as she did so. She knew she probably looked like a petulant child, but she couldnt bring herself to care at the moment. Im not agreeing to put myself in a psych ward. I want to go home. Listen, we can argue about this all day, but it doesnt change anything. You can either sign the paperwork, or I can get the doctor. Because you are currently considered a threat to yourself, the doctor will call the police. The police will arrest you, sign the paperwork for you, and youll go anyway. Im not tryin g to bully you, but it is the way this will happen. The nurse stopped and stared at Evelyn, waiting for an answer. Not trying to bully me, my ass! Evelyn glared at the nurse as she weighed her options. This fight was not going in her favor, and she knew it. After a few moments passed, she held out a hand while exhaling in an irritated sigh. With the

IV stint in, Ill have to sign with my left hand. It probably wont be legible, she groused. Can barely sign with my left hand either, its got a stint in the forearm too. The nurse handed her the paperwork and a pen. Im sure youll find a way, she said, her voice back to a grating, cheery tone that had Evelyns hackles raising.

****

Derek signed his name to the power of attorney with a heavy hand. Never, in a million years, would he have seen this coming. Of course, this wasnt the first time hed thought something like that. The thing about tragedies and emergencies; they never sent an advanced warning of their intent to visit and wreak havoc. Rude bastards. Flint had shown back up at the hospital early that morning. Evelyn will need her rights protected. While you still can, run to the legal department on base and get a general power of attorney. Ive already talked to the department head and explained the situation. Shell still have to sign off on some of the paperwork, but this will give you the ultimate ability to make decisions while shes at the facility. When are we scheduled to go? Derek scrubbed his chin with his hand then winced. He had about two days worth of growth that needed shaving. Flint glanced at his watch. This afternoon. Pack two bags; one for each of you. They wont let you two room together at first. Why the hell not? Derek fought to keep is anger at bay, and lost. Instead of chastising him, Flint patted him on the arm. The gesture reminded Derek of his own father. Shes sick, she needs help and constant surveillance. I hate to say this, but Ill be blunt; your actions put her in the hospital to begin with. We dont even know if she still wants to consider herself your wife. Youll just have to get there and hope you didnt screw up permanently. Flint was right, much as it burned. This was all his fault and it would serve him right if Eva didnt want to ever see his sorry face again. Self-revulsion seized his

stomach and he experienced the sudden desire to smash everything breakable within sight. It was a damn good thing Landers was on lockdown right now, or hed be well on his way to give her a piece of his mind. MooreDerekTheres a good chance you can win her back. You loved each other very much, probably still do. Go see if this place can help before you give up. Or, he added as if sensing Dereks thoughts, before you do something stupid. Without a word, Derek left to visit legal. Even if his wife didnt want him anymore, the least he could do was try to protect her to take care of her. He just hoped it wasnt too little, too late.

Chapter Three

The ambulance ride, boring and bumpy, tested Evelyns sanity. A smirk played on her lips at the thought. Sanity. According to the rest of the world, she had none left. They couldnt understand that it wasnt insanity that made her take all those pills that night. If anything, shed experience a sense of calm and clear headedness that shed never experienced before. It had been a weariness of the world, like cliff edges worn away by the tides, that made her desire eternal sleep. With no windows, and nothing to occupy herself with, Evelyn had taken to first examining, and then chatting with her escorts. Both were burly men, with brawny bodies and kind hearts. Intimidated by them at first, she soon realized they held compassion deeper than most that drew them to their profession, despite their appearance. The multi-hour transport had given them plenty of time to regale her with stories about their wives, children and tales of their travels and experiences abroad. Both were servicemen who were now stationed state-side. Never once did either ask why Evelyn was under suicide watch, or the particulars of her hospital visit. Their arrival at the mental health facility seemed to come just when the silence started to stretch and become awkward. The ambulance stopped moving and, in its

place, Evelyns stomach began doing flip-flops. Shed never been to a psych ward before, but she knew it wasnt somewhere she wanted to be. Were here, Mrs. Moore. The bald-headed EMT, whose name she suddenly couldnt remember, smiled gently at her. Watch your step as you get out. A numbness overcame her, though instead of clear headed like that night, she experienced a form of disassociation with the world around her. Everything became surreal, as if the whole reality she currently viewed was nothing more than an intense dream. More like nightmare. Evelyn unfastened her seat belt and stood. Her legs wobbled, but she managed to climb out of the ambulance without tripping. With a frown, she attempted to adjust to the harsh street lamps that made her envision spotlights being aimed on her. The building before her looked more like a long, low-set motel than a psych ward. Shed spent the entire afternoon envisioning a tall, brick building that resembled a prison. This Evelyn swallowed back the tears that came unbidden. She didnt want to go inside, had no desire to be permanently labeled crazy and placed on meds. This is my stop, huh? Yup. If youll just come with us, well get you checked in. The blonde EMT, or Jordan as his name tag proclaimed, placed a guiding hand at her elbow. Evelyn balked and considered running back to the familiar interior of the ambulance to hide. I dont want to go in there. Her voice, barely above a whisper, reminded her of a whimpering puppy. Jordan stopped and she saw genuine sadness reflected in his eyes. I know its scary, Mrs. Moore. It may not seem like it, but this is for the best. Patterson and I dont know you, but we can tell you are a good person. Dont let the world lose a good person. Go in there and learn how to fight back, to be happy again. His speech did little to make her feel braver, but Evelyn didnt want to let them down, either. They seemed to think she was a nice person, a valuable person. Shes a crazy bitch anyway. Well, at least the hussy her husband left her for had been right about one thing. Evelyn was now, officially, considered crazy. She smiled, consoling herself with a

strange humor at the situation, and squared her shoulders. Even as she walked through the doors a part of her, a small part, wished her husband was there, holding her hand.

****

Derek paced in his room as nerves performed a number on his stomach. Hed already performed the check-in process for his and Evelyns stay. Her room was located within the facility, under the watchful eye of a fully trained medical staff. His room, which reminded him of a hotel, was located outside the main facility, but still within a gated community. The walk to R&R Resort, which stood for Reconciliation & Rehabilitation, took only about ten minutes. He hated the separation from his wife, but the staff had been adamant that she was to stay in and he was to stay out. His therapy sessions were to begin first thing in the morning. Therapy sessions. How the hell is talking about my feelings suppose to do any damn good? Derek frowned at his reflection, hating what he saw. The man in the mirror looked older, tired, worn. He knew there was no bringing back the youthful appearance that had been there just a year or two ago. Time and circumstance had killed that man and replaced it with nothing more than a bastard who betrayed his own wife. I wonder if its possible to get diagnosed with anger issues at ones own self? Derek cracked a smile at the thought. A glance at the clock had him scowling again. It was almost midnight and sleep was nowhere in sight. It hadnt been for days now. The night hed rushed Evelyn to the hospital, hed stayed up the entire time, worrying that even once the doctors declared her out of the danger zone and doped her up, that she would die in her sleep. The evening after, while Evelyn continued to stay in the hospital, hed face sleeping in their bedalone. Doing so only reinforced the knowledge that asking for a divorce was the single, stupidest thing Derek had ever done. He approached the bed and eyed his suitcase. It remained sitting on the bed, unpacked, with an almost ominous presence. Thus far hed managed to avoid it, but Derek was ready to face the inevitable. It was time to admit that he was really

here, he was really staying, and his wife was really in danger. Even though these things bothered him, he knew he had only himself to blame. And Landers! Derek shook his head and sat on the edge of the bed. No, he couldnt put the blame on Landers shoulders. It went against his morals to do so. Granted, shed done wrong by convincing him to distance himself from his wife and, eventually, pressuring him to divorce Evelyn. But the wrong wouldnt have been committed if he hadnt been so willing to swallow Landers bait; hook, line and sinker. Shes a trained therapist, she knows how to manipulate people, he argued. He rested his elbows on his knees and placed his face in his palms. Trained or no, manipulative or not; Landers wouldnt have had a foot hold if Derek hadnt been so willing to allow the blame for everything to be placed on Evelyns shoulders. Even while it happened, hed known it was wrong. A sick sensation in his stomach, sweating palms, guilt when he saw his wife after the things hed said about her; all of these warning bells rang the entire time. Like an alarm that went off on the weekend, hed hit the ignore button and let the time pass unheeded. All for a woman I dont even like. The acknowledgment, too much to bear, landed solidly in his mind. Not once when hed talked to Landers had he ever experienced the desire to be with her. When hed looked at his wife and told her he wanted a divorce, thoughts of being with Landers hadnt filled his head. Instead, hed thought only of the anger that seethed deep inside. An anger that should have been directed at himself, but instead hed used it to hurt the one person he truly loved. Im so sorry, Evelyn, he whispered against his palms. Ill do everything I can to make this right again. In the silence that followed, hot tears flowed freely.

Chapter Four

Raindrops tapped at Evelyns window like an ardent teen attempting to gain his lovers attention. The summer storm, gentle and persistent, soothed her regardless of what was going on. Evelyn had always liked the sound of rain; the way it rhythmically washed away her awareness until she floated in a cradle of distant seas. Mrs. Moore? Evelyn flinched inwardly at the voice, the way it ripped her from her private getaway. With a sigh, she rolled over and lifted her head to acknowledge the nurse standing in the doorway. Yes? The nurse, dressed in scrubs depicting paw prints of bright colors against a soft pink background, looked young and inexperienced. Youve been in bed all day. You havent attended any of the group sessions according to your records. Would you please get up? No. Evelyn pulled the covers over her head and snuggled against her pillow. The damn medical staff had been bothering her all day. She wished theyd just go away, leave her alone. Or better yet, consider her a lost cause and release her. Surprise twisted her stomach when the bed creaked under the weight of someone sitting down beside her. She stayed perfectly still, and hoped her lack of reaction would make the person realize they werent wanted. The minutes ticked by as the rain continued to persistently tap on the window. I read your chart. You have every right to be sad. Evelyn recognized the voice of the nurse whod just attempted to persuade her out of bed. She remained silent and still, trying to control the angry tears that stung her eyes and the sobs that formed a lump in her throat. The woman had read her chart? That meant she knew everything. Not just about Derek but about It makes me tear up just imagining what youve been through. As much as Id love to, I cant wave a magic wand and fix it. No one can. You can, however, keep moving forward. The nurse patted Evelyn through the blankets.

Why? Evelyn licked her lips as she became aware of the raspy sound of her voice. Cotton mouth made her tongue thick and heavy, like it was swollen. "Why even bother?" The nurse paused, hand still resting on Evelyns shoulder. Because if you lie down and die, if you just give up, you are letting the evils of the world win. I suppose Im a little naive, but Id like to thinkno, I have to believethat when the bad stuff knocks us down, it is our responsibility to stand back up and prove were made of sterner stuff. Good doesnt prevail because the fairytales say it does, good prevails because of those who are strong enough to stand back up. Mrs. Moore, you are strong, you just need a little help. Tears flowed freely down Evelyns face, burning hot against her skin. Her body jerked in silent sobs that wracked through her, despite her wishes. Theres nothing left to stand up for, she managed to whisper. I cant be the man for you anymore. I want a divorce. Everything and everybody Ive ever loved is gone. Mrs. Moore? Youve been in a serious accident. Your babyshe didnt make it. The nurse began patting her again, a soft pressure that fell into rhythm of the rain tapping on the window. Not everybody. Mr. Moore visited the front desk all day and pestered the receptionist about seeing you. But we cant let you have visitors until you show some improvement. Hes already set up some marital therapy for the two of you. Evelyn listened to the words, but it took her a moment to wrap her mind around them. Derek, here? He said he wanted a divorce, and now hed set up marital therapy. None of this made sense, and yet hope rose in her chest. She traced the indent on her finger where her wedding rings usually were. They would have still been on now, but no jewelry was allowed in the mental health facility. Thank you, she whispered to the nurse. Ill be up shortly.

****

Derek stared at the picture he held in his hand. He caressed Evelyns smiling face in the photo with the pad of his thumb. She was wearing lingerie in the photo and her entire being seemed to glow with life, love and a subtle come-hither that called to him. The photo had been a gift, from her to him, years ago when they were still deeply in love. A parting gift to help ease the deployment hed recently left on. Derek remembered the day hed received the package in vivid detail; the hoots of the other servicemen as hed unwittingly let the photo slip from the envelope, the lust that raged through him at the sight of his wife in that scrap of fabric, the deep yearning to be home and in her arms once more. He blinked, pulling himself out of memory lane and looked up at the doctor who sat across from him. By Dereks request, the doctor was male. An elderly, grayhaired gentleman who invoked visions of both Freud and of Dereks own grandfather with his charcoal suit and scruffy mustache. The gentleman, Dr. Sherman, stared down at a piece of paper on his desk. The piece of paper was supposed to contain two lists, ten items long. The first list was to contain ten things that Derek loved about Evelyn, whether it was physical, mental, a habit of hers, whatever. The second was to contain things about her that either bothered him or he wished he could change. Hed struggled with the first list. Not because he couldnt find things about his wife that he loved, but because narrowing it down to only ten was hard. The second list had been far harder. In the end, Derek had managed to put only one item. Evelyn never smiles anymore. When he really thought about it, he realized that he couldnt remember the last time shed smiled. He knew she hadnt the past few months, but he was starting to think about the past few years. Surely shed smiled when shed announced their pregnancy. Shame heated his cheeks as he let his gaze drift back down to the picture. He couldnt recall a single detail of how shed broke the news to him. He was pretty sure hed learned the news through an e-mail, while hed been on one of his many training missions. It appears what we have here is a sore lack of communication skills. Dr. Sherman tapped the sheet before he leaned back in his chair. Im seeing many traits you admire about your wife, but Im noticing most of them are physical or statements of her personality. There are no bubble traits. Derek frowned and raised an eyebrow at the odd term. Bubble traits? Would you please clarify, sir?

Dont sir me. Sherman waved his hand in a dismissive gesture. And dont doctor me either. The nurses do that enough. Just call me Sherman. He folded his hands across his lap, his brow knitting in a thoughtful expression. Yes, bubble traits. Its a term I coined myself. It means I dont see any references to any kinds of things that belong solely to the two of you as a couple. Derek cocked his head as he tried to process what the doctor was saying. He knew whatever Sherman had pointed out was bad, but he wasnt sure how or why. I dont understand, he finally admitted. Sherman sat up and pulled a round paperweight to the center of his desk. Inside the globe were two bald eagles, wings spread in flight. He tapped the globe with a finger. This is the bubble. We can see them in there, but what they are doing together is theirs alone. That flight, that is their special interaction and though we may admire it, well never be able to take part in it with them. Derek stared at the globe but inside he flipped through memories like a photo album. Try as he might, he couldnt think of a single thing that he and Evelyn shared, privately, just the two of them. Even the photo of his wife in lingerie, as intimate as it had been, hadnt included him. A professional photographer had taken those photos and Evelyn set the shoot up entirely by herself as a surprise for him. Do you and your wife have any hobbies together? Derek shook his head. Do you have a special TV show you watch together? Sherman leaned back in his chair once more, his tone conversational. No. Derek knew he probably looked like a kid sitting in the principals office. His gaze steadfastly searched the floor as he wished for a hole to open up and swallow him from sight. Do you go on date nights, visit interesting places, leave each other random love letters, or do anything that involves a special gesture of love between the two of you? Not in a long time, Derek admitted.

Well then, Sherman said, as he clapped his hands together, at least now we know where to start. Tomorrow, son, were going to talk about communicating.

Chapter Five

Evelyn sat in the cafeteria where she ate her food under the watchful eye of the medical staff. Cereal wasnt her idea of a stellar breakfast, but it was familiar and therefore soothing. She crunched away on the sugary confection, taking care to leave the marshmallows for last. If she had to live in a psych ward, she planned to make the best of it. Even if it meant catering to her sillier desires. Maybe later, when the nurses werent looking, shed use her spoon as a catapult. You are looking better today. Sandra, the nurse who sat and talked with Evelyn that first day, smiled down at her. I was contemplating the finer points of medieval warfare with modern objects. Evelyn shoved another spoonful of cereal in her mouth, afraid if she revealed much more theyd take her plastic spoon away and hide it. Theyd already taken her shoe laces, wedding rings, and the string from her sweat pants when shed checked in. Just between you and me, dont touch the cookies. Sandra glanced around a moment then whispered, They make fantastic Frisbees though. Completely unbreakable. Evelyn smothered a laugh and tried desperately not to shoot milk out her nose. When she managed to swallow her food, she took a sip of her coffee. She liked Sandra. Throughout yesterday afternoon, the nurse had taken the time to show her the ropes and casually converse with her. I thought you said you were working reception this morning. Did you decide to come make sure I was out of bed? Actually I came to deliver the mail. Ive handed all the other patients their letters, but you werent in your room. Here. Sandra pulled an envelope out of her pocket. I shouldnt be getting mail. This is only my second or third day here. Evelyn rubbed her forehead. Is it sad that Ive lost track of time.

Hey, in some of the wards Ive worked in the past, the patients didnt even know what year it was. As far as Im concerned, youre A-okay. Sandra laid the envelope down on the table beside Evelyns bowl. Its already been opened. Standard procedure to make sure the content isnt a threat to your state of health. Once youve been here awhile, and you move up in levels, it gets less restricting. Evelyn nodded but her gaze was locked on the envelope. There was no return address, or even an address for her; just her name written in a script she recognized immediately. Ive got to head back downstairs. Remember, group therapy starts in fifteen minutes down the hall. You get extra points if you show up to them throughout the day that help you level faster. See you this afternoon. Thanks. Have a good day. She listened to the sound of Sandras retreating footsteps as she continued to stare at the letter. Her stomached twisted into knots of turmoil as she debated opening it. Part of her, the hopeful part, wanted to grab the letter and hold it to her heart. Another part, the scared and angry part, was terrified of what more damage could be done. My dearest Evelyn, I wish I could tell you how sorry I am for what I have done. You have no reason to trust me ever again, and I understand that, but I hope youll give me a chance to right the wrongs I have committed. Ill spend every day of the rest of my life proving how sorry I am if youll allow me to. Do you remember that lingerie photo you sent me on our first deployment? I still have that in my wallet. You are so beautiful and I will always love you. With deepest regret, Derek

Evelyn put the letter down, fighting the urge to succumb to the whirlwind of emotions that swirled inside of her like a tempest. Confusion dominated her mind, followed closely by anger, pain and fear. Hope tempered them all a strange sense of hope that she didnt understand. Why, after what hes done, do I still love him?

With a shake of her head, as if the action would help clear her thoughts, she stood and gathered her breakfast dishes. After depositing them in the nearest trash bin, she approached one of the nurses. May I please have a paper and pen?

****

Dereks feet pounded a steady tempo on the treadmill as he stared at the folded piece of notebook paper hed sat on a nearby chair. Hed received the note when hed stopped at the front desk to check on Evelyn after his session with Sherman. Instead of giving in to his immediate desire to read it, Derek had tucked it in his pocket and asked if the facilities had a gym. Sweat trickled down his brow and he mopped it with a small hand towel that hed snagged from his room before coming to work out. The mindless, physical activity gave him time to think, to sort through the dread and sickness that clenched his stomach. Derek feared opening that letter. More appropriately, he feared what message that letter might contain. He knew hed performed a great and terrible wrong on so many levels. Evelyn had every right to tell him to get lost, or worse. On the opposite side of the coin, shed been his partner for years. Perhaps she knew he truly was sorry, that he regretted his actions, and that he meant it when he said he wanted to make amends. Only one way to find out. Suck it up, Moore. Before he could talk himself out of it, Derek reached out and pushed the stop button on the treadmill. He used the towel to dry his face, neck and hands while he walked with the cycles as the tread strip slowed, then finally, shut down. Surprise seized him when he realized he was shaking over the idea of reading the letter. Come on, man. Youve been in gunfire fights, parachuted off of moving planes and performed hand-to-hand combat with real enemies, but youre scared of a letter. Real smooth. The internal pep talk did little to stop the shaking or calm his nerves. When he reached the letter, he picked it up, holding it gingerly as if it were fragile. With slow, deliberate movements, he unfolded the piece of lined, notebook paper. It was

written in bright red crayon that made it hard for Derek to recognize Evelyns personal handwriting, but there were still tell-tale signs hed become familiar with over the years. The way her rs were cursive while her ss were in calligraphy. He took a moment to trace his name before reading the message.

Derek, I dont understand. If you truly loved me, you would never have cheated on me. Youve made it clear that you dont even like me. I like you better than my wife. Those are the words you told her, I saw them. They are etched in my mind, echoing like voices in a cavern. Constant whispers that remind me that no matter how much I loved you, how dedicated I was to you, that it meant nothing. In the end, Im not even someone you can like, much less love. If you are doing this out of guilt, please stop. I dont want to die because my husband cheated on me and talked trash about me. I want to die because my best friend betrayed me on top of the pain I suffer over my baby being dead. If you didnt like me, you should have left me sooner. Before all the fertility treatments, the in vitro and the wreck. I wish you hadnt waited to kick me while I was down. But then again, I have to thank you. Youve gave me the strength to finish it. I suppose you rushing me to the emergency room was just one more cruel thing you could do to me. Evelyn

Derek winced as he folded the paper up once more. Though he deserved every bit of her scathing remarks, the knowledge didnt make them hurt any less. If anything, they added to the guilt that already pulled him apart inside. If only he could make her see, make her understand the truth behind his sorrow. There was only one thing he could do, he realized. It was up to him to explain everything, even if it meant doing it, little by little through letters. He had to make his wife understand that he did love her, that he always would. As he walked back to his room, he began composing the next letter hed be sending to Evelyn in his head.

Chapter Six

Evelyn stared at the window, fighting the smile that threatened to curve her lips. One was not suppose to look amused when they were in trouble. She nodded at the lecture from her therapist while planning her next disorderly conduct. Im not really sure I understand your reasoning. Evelyn blinked and refocused her attention on Dr. Williams. Huh? The therapist steepled his fingers and rested his wrists on the edge of his desk. Id like you to explain to me what inspired you to do it. She started it, Evelyn protested. She rearranged my things first. Your roommate is highly OCD. Im not defending her behavior, but I dont see how her putting your side of the sink in a specific order is an attack on you. Nor do I believe your retaliation is conducive to her healing process. Dr. Williams raised a brow. Anger coursed through her until her fingers curled into the fabric of her jeans. Evelyn was sick and tired of being treated like she had a lesser intelligence simply because she was a patient here. Being in a mental health facility did not automatically make one stupid. It was an attack on me, as you put it, because her actions depicted that she feels free to infringe on others personal property. This doesnt surprise me considering you obviously cater to her behaviors. If you dont teach her to curb them, shes never going to be well enough to re-enter society. Evelyn kept her tone tightly controlled, yet the words came out clipped. If she didnt like me rearranging her toothbrush, toothpaste and hand sanitizer on her side of the sink then maybe she'll sympathize with the reaction of the person next time she does it to someone else. Now, now. Dr. Williams lifted his hands in a placating gesture. Theres no need to be so upset. You are also viewing this as an attack on you. Isnt it? She tilted her head and studied him for a moment. Id think being sent up here to get my ass chewed over how I offended my roommate is an attack. I treated her the same way she treated me. Did she get lectured too? Likely not.

So you view your session here as a chastisement? Dr. Williams settled back in his chair, his face going neutral. Evelyn narrowed her eyes at him, wishing looks could kill. Why yes, now that you ask, I do. I think my whole stay here is a load of bull. I want to go home, and I want you to take your sessions and shove them up your merry derriere. Let me ask you one question, Mrs. Moore. The therapist leaned forward and steepled his fingers again. Do you still want to kill yourself or do yourself harm? No. The lie slipped easily from her mouth while her stomach lurched. He was a trained professional and she feared he would see the truth despite her carefully masked features and brave tone. The clock ticked on the mantel, punctuating the deafening silence between them. Evelyn met his gaze, keeping her own steady. Believe it, believe it, believe it. Cmon you jerk, believe it. Just when she was about to lose her temper, he reached across the desk and picked up his phone. I think its time we change your routine here. Im going to arrange some marital therapy, starting tomorrow, between you and your husband. Wait, what? The sick panic shed experienced over lying seemed trivial to the rolling nausea that encompassed her now. See Derek? Tomorrow? She wasnt ready for that. Granted, she looked forward to receiving his letters everyday now, but she didnt think she could actually face him. Tomorrow morning youll be seeing a Dr. Sherman and begin working on your marital issues. Ill see you tomorrow afternoon. Meanwhile, Im moving your roommate to different room so there will be less conflict. Dr. Williams smiled at her as he sat the phone back in its cradle. Our time is up. Have a nice day, Mrs. Moore. I do not want to see Derek, Evelyn protested. The therapist began stacking files on his desk. Well, he replied, as you so aptly put it; if I dont make you face your husband, then Im catering to your depression. Evelyn clenched her fingers until her hands ached. You evil bastard, she muttered. Clever, but evil.

Without another word she rose, walked to the door and slammed it behind her.

****

Derek stared at his hands as he sat in Dr. Shermans office. Turmoil and apprehension were his constant companion these days. Each morning he gave the nurse at the receptionist desk a new letter for his wife. After his daily appointments with Sherman, hed check with the desk and find a reply. Opening the replies were like spinning a wheel on a game show. He never knew, from letter to letter, how Evas mood would be. Some days her replies were simply heart-wrenching. What did I do wrong? she would ask. Dereks assurance of nothing never satisfied her. He shouldered the blame completely for what happened, and yet she bounced back and forth between raging and him, and what appeared to be a quiet acceptance that she deserved this. Those letters hurt him the most. Dr. Sherman hung up the phone hed been speaking on and smiled at Derek. Good news. Dr. Williams believes it is time to start the marital counseling. Your first session will be with me, tomorrow morning. Various emotions surfaced, and Derek fought to sort through them all. It had been a week since hed seen his wife. The memory of her, lying in a bed as he begged her to stay alive, haunted his nightmares. He reached a hand up and grasped the dog tags that hung from his neck. Beside them, also within his palm, were two rings he never thought hed be in charge of keeping. Two rings that no man should have to wear as the brand of their guilty deeds. His only hope was to see those rings, shining and beautiful, once more on the hand of his wife. Where will I even begin? He voiced the words in a mere whisper, afraid that if he spoke them loudly, the world would know the cowardice he felt right now. Sherman offered him an encouraging smile. You will begin with yourself. The sick cannot effectively heal the dying, nor can the wounded mend the broken. Derek tried to suppress the quirk of his lips at the advice. And here I thought youd say start at the beginning.

Do you know where the beginning is? He paused as he thought about the therapists question. When had he an Evelyn fallen apart? Derek knew the affair and asking for a divorce was the breaking point, but when had they started to truly go downhill? Im not sure, he admitted after a moment. Sherman nodded, as if expecting such as answer. Most people dont. Thats why I dont bother giving the advice. I will give you some advice that will work and requires no thought. Intrigued, Derek stared at the man while he asked, That is? No matter how unnerved you get, be certain to show up tomorrow.

Chapter Seven

The door loomed before Evelyn, appearing larger than life. She couldnt bring herself to touch the handle and open it to face Derek. Despite her conversation with her therapist the day before, she didnt believe that avoiding her husband was enabling her depression. If anything, she thought it was helping. As long as she didnt have to see him she could spend a majority of the day pretending nothing had happened. Until she couldnt drown the voices out anymore. I like you better than my wife. Shes a crazy bitch anyway. That was when shed sneak off to shower and cry, letting the water wash away her tears and muffle the sounds of her sobs. Evelyn took a step back and glanced over her shoulder as she contemplated returning to her room. Screw this marital counseling and the psych ward in general. If she saw her whore of a husband, the first thing she would do is

Mrs. Moore, so good to finally meet you. I do hope youll come join us. A prickling heat caressed her cheeks as she realized the door had opened and a kindly looking gentleman peered out at her. Whereas Dr. Williams was overweight and middle-aged, the man that stood smiling at her appeared slim and elderly. Evelyn didnt want to like him, but she felt herself instantly drawn to him. H-How did you know who I was? Dr. Sherman stepped back and held the door open as he ushered her in. Ive seen a photo of you. The heat in Evelyns cheeks seemed to intensify as she remembered Dereks letter. Hed mentioned a photo of her in lingerie. Surely he hadnt shown a picture like that to the therapist! It seems Im at a disadvantage already. Never in my office, Sherman reassured her, his tone even yet sounding authoritative. I wouldnt allow such a thing to happen to any of my patients. What reassurance she gained from his words was washed away in a dizzying range of emotions when she walked in the room. Derek stood within and, as their gazes met, two desires competed within her. She couldnt decide if she wanted to double up her fist and knock him a good one, or run into his arms and beg him never to hurt her again. Evelyn weighed her options and, with some effort, locked the emotions away into a tiny box. If he wanted anything from her other than common courtesy, he was going to have to work for it.

****

Derek looked his wife over and his guilt multiplied ten times over. Her usually tan complexion was now a sallow hue, making the laugh lines that accented her eyes look more like sad wrinkles. The auburn locks that framed her face hung limply, as if they hadnt been brushed in days. It was his wifes eyes that bothered him the most though. The blue gaze that stared at him now wasnt the bright, come -hither

that he remembered. Instead, they reminded him of a one way mirror. He could see himself reflected in her eyes, but he couldnt see past them to Evelyn anymore. Hi. He offered her the greeting in a low tone, hoping it would ease the tension between them. As a gesture of courtesy, he half-turned a chair, offering it to her. Evelyn used her hand to toss a few strands of hair over her shoulder before shooting him a look full of daggers. Without a word, she walked past him and took the seat he wasnt offering her. Derek tried to clamp down the hurt that vibrated through him like a shot of electricity. After what hed done, he had no right to get angry now. Sherman, who had probably watched the whole exchange, walked to his desk and then settled into his chair. Well, Mrs. Moore Evelyn, she interrupted. I prefer to be called Evelyn. Its been made clear Im no longer welcome to the Moore name. Before Derek could protest, Sherman shook his head. On the contrary, my dear. I would think your presence here would attest to the opposite. I think my presence here is nothing more than a guilty conscious and a paycheck. Evelyns words were clipped, acidic. It was then that Derek realized just how deeply he had hurt his wife. The Evelyn he knew, the woman he loved, would never had said such things. She was so full of love and life, kindness and compassion. The woman who sat before him was jaded, angry and full of pain. Remorse, sharp and intense, stabbed at him. I did this to her. I made her into this. Oh god, Evelyn, look at what Ive done to you. The thing about guilt, Sherman replied, his demeanor still calm as he leaned back in his chair, is that it cant happen unless you care. Derek clenched his jaw. He wanted to chime in, to fall onto his knees and promise her that he cared. To show her everything hed learned during therapy with Dr. Sherman the past week. He remained silent, afraid he would ruin the point the therapist was trying to make.

The minutes ticked by as silence weighed heavy between them. Evelyns brow was furrowed, and a memory came unbidden to Derek. Shed worn that same look of concentration, years ago, when theyd spent a quiet Christmas Eve putting a puzzle together. The silence back then had been companionable, full of absent caresses and cocoa. Good times, happier times. I dont understand. I get the concept, I suppose, but not how it applies. Evelyn continued to speak directly at Sherman, not even offering Derek a glance of acknowledgment. Derek turned his attention to Sherman too, wanting to hear the explanation. Perhaps there would be a subtle message in there for him? A nudge as to how to push things in the right direction. Sherman tapped his fingers on his desk a moment, brow raised as he studied Evelyn. Have you ever seen those SPCA commercials? The ones with the abused cats and dogs? Yes, of course. She nodded, her lips pressed in a firm line. Derek had seen those too. He remembered a particular one that had played after their cat died of old age about three years ago. Evelyn had curled up in his arms, her eyes red-rimmed from crying. I want a baby, shed said. A real baby. Im so lonely. Do you feel guilt when you see them? A deep urge to do something to help? Sherman asked. Once again, she nodded. It breaks my heart to see them. To know someone was cruel enough to starve or beat those poor animals, or ignore them. Sherman raised a finger. But you didnt do it, so why feel guilty? Because Evelyn paused and Derek held his breath, waiting for her answer. I dunno, she finally admitted. You care. I do but I She stopped speaking and stared at him for a moment. The look on her face was stunned, as if shed just discovered a profound truth. Oh Her voice sounded breathy, surprised.

Derek saw his opportunity and seized it. Her wall had been cracked and he needed to hurry before she had the chance to rebuild it. I do care, Evelyn. Ive always cared, but I was too stupid to know how to show it. I know how to show it now, how to be the husband you deserve. I cant prove that if you dont give me a chance. Please, can you give me a chance? II Evelyn stood and backed slowly towards the door. I need to think about this, she said. Before Derek could protest, she fled out the door. He sat in the chair, numb and uncertain. Hed thought for sure theyd had her. What just happened? he asked. We took a step forward and she retreated. Tomorrow well take another, the next day more. Derek turned to face Sherman again. She left. Thats not progress. The therapist merely smiled as he leaned back into his chair. Tomorrow, young man, youll learn to have faith in me.

Chapter Eight

The next morning Evelyn sat in her room, staring out the window. The sunshine cast rays on the grounds, making them appear warm and inviting. Evelyn couldnt remember the last time shed went outside for the sake of simply being out. Her life had been reduced to grocery shopping and pressing errands. She was afraid of going outside now. She knew what the world could do to you.

The stoplight was red. She swore the stupid light was always red. It wasnt very far from her house and she believed, on days when she really had somewhere to go, that the light turned red just for her. Evelyn sat glaring at it, but her anger quickly dissolved at the sight of the infant seat in her rear view mirror.

Today was their first check up. Excitement tickled the insides of her stomach. After years of trying and failing, their precious gift was finally in the back seat. Her and Dereks beautiful baby girlAstridea. Evelyn tore her gaze away from the rear view mirror at the sound of a strange screeching. She watched in horror as a vehicle ran the red light and plowed into a semi truck. The semi started to jackknife, the trailer swinging at her car like a baseball bat.

Evelyn? Evelyn! Sandra shook her shoulder and knelt before her. Evelyn, can you hear me? Evelyn blinked as the tears streamed down her face; hot, wet, silent tears. She nodded at Sandra as she tried to regain her composure. Im sorry, she whispered, her voice barely audible. The nurse pulled a packet of tissues from her scrubs pocket and handed Evelyn one. What happened? Where were you? With a shaking hand, Evelyn accepted the tissue and dabbed at her eyes. I was remembering the wreck. Thats when you lost your baby, right? After a moments hesitation, she nodded. We were on the way to our first check up. She was only a few weeks old. We werent doing anything wrong. Our car was waiting at the light, like we were supposed to be. Youre right, you didnt do anything wrong. Im sorry that you are the one who has suffered the most, but I promise you it isnt because you deserved it. Sandra patted her knee in a gentle gesture, but her face held fierce determination. I know you hurt, but one thing you shouldnt feel is guilt. The tears started again, trickling down Evelyns cheek in hot streaks. If I didnt do wrong, if I didnt deserve it, then why did it happen? Sandra rocked back on her heels, her expression turning thoughtful. When I was a little girl, I used to ask my ma something similar. Id say, Ma, if there is a god, why does he let bad things happen? You know what my ma used to say? Evelyn

shook her head and Sandra continued. She would say, Sandy, he cant keep bad things from happening. Bad things are a part of life. All he can do is help make them happen during a time when we can deal with it best. Evelyn tried to think back, to remember what all had been going on at the time. She didnt remember much from the hospital or the wreck. The concussion shed suffered gave her the relief and torment of an effective memory wipe. And Derek? Derek had left the day before on a training mission. Derek wasnt there for me, Evelyn whispered, tracing the indent on her finger from her wedding band. He was gone. Hes always gone. If I may. Sandra tapped Evelyns knee. Ive spent some time working with Red Cross in the past. Because your husband was away, he had to be Red Crossed. That gave him emergency leave. If hed been home, he would have needed to route a leave chit to take care of you when you were in a coma. What Im trying to say is, because your husband wasnt home, he was able to take care of you longer and better. Care. The word caught Evelyns attention. Derek cares. What time is it? She tilted her head as she tried to read Sandras watch upside down. Uh. The nurse lifted her wrist and looked at the time. Almost eight -thirty. Why? Evelyn jumped up, taking care not to knock Sandra over. Im sorry, I have to go to marriage counseling.

****

I felt abandoned, like I was coping with the whole thing by myself. Derek frowned as he listened to his wife talk to Sherman. She was beginning to open up, to talk about the issues shed been facing. Itd taken nearly a weeks worth of daily sessions for her to start talking, but she finally was. Through it all,

he realized a common theme that had sunk them deeper and deeper. Instead of talking to his wife, to voice his pain and sorrow and fears, Derek had gone silent. In doing so, hed sent Evelyn vibes that suggested he was unaffected by the traumatic events surrounding them. Im sorry, he said, keeping his tone soft. I should have been your rock to cling to, but I acted like I had the emotions of a rock. I promise to be more open when I hurt. Evelyn glanced at him, and though her look was wary, it no longer contained the aloof anger that shed clung so tightly to the first few days. You were so distant. I sometimes wondered if you even cared that our baby died. A stab of pain shot through him at the words. Even now he couldnt quite cope with the knowledge. His body began shaking, a familiar companion lately. It wasnt until recently that hed discovered from Sherman that the shaking was a physical indicator of high amounts of stress or repressed emotion. Derek decided to take it as a sign. I thought I lost both of you. When I got to the hospital, three days had already passed. You were still in a coma and our daughter He swallowed the lump in his throat and sent a silent prayer that he wouldnt start crying. They couldnt give me a definite answer on whether or not you would ever wake up. I couldnt stand it. I guess I shut down because it was the only way I could keep going. What I wanted to do was find the room of the driver who caused all this. I wanted to drag them into your room so they could see what theyd done to you, then show them Astridea. II Breathe, Sherman instructed gently. Derek gasped for air, dragging each breath in through sheer willpower as he fought the sobs back. His body continued to shake and he could see the corded muscles on his forearms starting to stand out. He made an effort to unclench his hands, and he wondered for a moment just when he had clenched them to begin with. When Evelyn put her hand on his arm, he blinked a few times to be sure it was really even there. The warmth of her touch, soothing and familiar, infused his skin like a healing balm. The shaking subsided, stopped and once more he was able to take a breath. Im here. Her words, so soft, sounded almost like a question.

He raised his gaze and met hers. Worry dominated her features; her brow wrinkled, eyes brimming with unshed tears and lips set in a grim line. Was she worried that he didnt want her here? How could she even doubt after what hed just said? Im glad, he replied. Relief tugged at him as her brow smoothed and her mouth softened. My arms feel so empty without her, Evelyn admitted. I cant look at anyone who has a baby without hating them and I know its not right. I know they dont deserve it, but I see them with their children, healthy and alive, and for a moment I am filled with hate. Derek stood and pulled his wife to her feet. I cant fill the gap in your heart that misses our baby. Ive got a huge hole in mine too. But I know my arms are also empty, and the only one who can fill them is my wife. He urged her into a hug, and was thrilled when she allowed him to wrap his arms around her.

Chapter Nine

Evelyn smoothed imaginary wrinkles out of her pants and blouse. Her stomach performed flip-flops as she stared down at her feet and let out a sigh. How was she supposed to be appealing in the footwear area if all she had available were non-slip socks or her tennis shoes, minus laces? Every step involved a shuffle in the shoes, just to keep the damn things on. And the sockswell that just wasnt going to cut it for today. I will not cry over something this stupid. Evelyn repeated the mantra in her head as she approached the nurses station. Im ready, I guess. She offered Sandra a smile that she knew looked half-hearted at best. Oh, thats not a happy face. Arent you excited? Sandra put the paperwork down she was filing and frowned at Evelyn. Do you want to cancel? No, I Evelyn shifted, painfully aware of her appearance. I look stupid, she finished lamely.

Sandra stepped out from behind the counter and look Evelyn over from head to feet. When her gaze reached the shoes, she tapped a finger against her chin. The blouse and pants are pretty, so it must be the shoes youre upset about. Evelyn nodded, misery at her embarrassing situation causing her to remain silent. I feel like a child on the first day of school! What shoe size do you wear, the nurse asked her. Huh? Oh, uh, eight. Why? Here, these are eight and a half, but try these. Sandra began pulling her shoes off. They were the slip-on kind. Rubber soled, pink fabric to go with her pink scrubs, and best of all, no laces to take out. Heat infused Evelyns cheeks at the offer. What about you? With a laugh, Sandra handed her the shoes. Are you kidding me? I love the scuffy socks. Upon hearing the nickname for them, Evelyn chuckled too. Only if you are sure. I dont want to be a bother. The nurse waved a hand in a dismissive gesture. Put them on, and go have fun on your date. With many expressions of gratitude, Evelyn took the shoes and slipped them on. They were slightly loose, but nowhere near like her tennis shoes were without the laces. She took a few steps, testing them out, and breathed a sigh of relief that no shuffling was required. After she returned her own pair of shoes to her room, she followed Sandra to the elevator so she could be escorted downstairs. Once again, her stomach performed gymnastic maneuvers deep inside. As the elevator doors open, Evelyn squared her shoulders. Now or never.

****

Derek toyed with the bag of food as he continued to eye the doorway. His heart pounded a rapid beat in his chest that only increased his anxiety. The aroma of the fast food turned his stomach, making it lurch dangerously each time he inhaled a little too deep. She backed out. Evelyns not coming. A smile tugged at his lips as the thoughts echoed in his head. He realized, with a roll of his eyes, that he sounded like a teenager in the throes of angst over his first date. Evelyn wasnt a girl hed just met, she was his wife. And yet, he had to admit, he knew her about as well as a new acquaintance. Oh, hed known her during the first years of their marriage. Back when things were new and fresh. Before long deployments frayed their intimacy and the endless fertility clinics had broken their hearts. Theyd been like mirrors of each other, once upon a time. Able to finish sentences the other had started, to predict choices and desires, to know when comfort was needed even oceans apart. Then the accident happened, ripping their daughter from their arms in a cruel act of fate. For a few weeks, Derek had suffered in agony as his wife lay in a coma. He was certain hed lost both of them. He never wanted to hurt like that again. In the end, I did lose her because of my wall. I was so selfish, so damn stupid, so Derek? The voice broke him from his inner turmoil and he made certain to place a welcoming smile on his face before lifting his gaze. I was worried youd decided against our lunch date. Evelyn sat down across from him. Her face remained neutral, but her eyes looked far more alive than they had for weeks. He was relieved to see the emotion returning to them. The cold distance that hed witnessed in them only a week ago still haunted his nightmares. I wasnt about to turn the food down. The stuff they serve isnt horrible, but I miss my kitchen. He heard the way her voice caught and leaned forward, chucking her under the chin. The unshed tears that misted her eyes made his heart cry out in pain. Dont

worry, Eva. Well get you home soon. Flints wife is keeping an eye on the place for us, and you know everything will be just as you left it. With a nod, she sniffled and pulled away from his touch. He tried not to let the disappointment show on his face at her retreat. The food smells good, she said. Derek took the cue and opened the bag. Its only fast food, but He let it drop, concentrating instead on pulling the contents out and setting it on the table. As she munched quietly on her cheeseburger, he let his gaze rove over her. The clothing she wore hung loose, but she didnt look washed out anymore. When had she lost all that weight? Surely it hadnt happened during their stay here. Her hair was a shiny auburn again and no longer hung in the limp curls as it had a week or so ago. His wife was, in his opinion, looking better. Ive missed you, he murmured. A flush painted Evelyns cheeks a soft pink. Derek, I She sat her burger down and took a deep breath. I dont know what you want from me and I dont understand why you are here. Surely Toni is wondering what happened to you. Anger and shame clench his gut at her words. In an effort to hide it, he grasped her hand and gave it a careful squeeze. Toni Landers, he allowed the disgust to show in his voice as he said the dreaded womans name, has no business in my life. She is a manipulative bitch who, last I knew, has her hands full with a well-deserved court martial. I never wanted her and I know that now. All Ive ever wanted is you. The tears that threatened to spill earlier now streamed freely down Evelyns cheeks. What if Her voice trembled as she attempted to speak. What if you forget again? Derek stood up, walked around the table, sat beside his wife, then pulled her into his lap. He rocked her, letting his actions show how precious she was to him. He placed a gentle kiss against the top of her head and let her cry into his chest. When the sobs finally stopped, and Evelyn lay quietly in his arms, he stroked her face. I will spend every day haunted by what Ive done to you. There is no apology strong enough in the universe to make up for what Ive done, but I can try with actions. I will never forget again, and I will use every day to show you that.

Evelyn didnt reply, but Derek took comfort in her silence and the fact she remained in his arms. By the time he went to his living quarters that night, his arms were sore from rocking her for hours. He couldnt wait to do it again tomorrow.

Chapter Ten

The ticking of the clock irritated Evelyn, yet she maintained her composure. She had to. This man was out to get her for some reason, and she wasnt blind to that fact. Any slip up on her enda show of temper, a tear of distressand he was quick to label her mentally unstable and press her continued stay at the facility. The only way to gain any ground was to remain perfectly amicable regardless of how she felt inside. Oh how she hated Dr. Williams. For the moment, he was staring at some paperwork he held in his hands. Well, more like glaring. Evelyn had no idea what the paperwork said, but she took pleasure in his obvious discomfort regardless. When he set it down and raised his gaze to her, she made sure her expression was passive and serene. It seems Dr. Sherman has taken it upon himself to move forward with steps that I advised against. Dr. Williams voice was calm despite his glare. Evelyn allowed a frown to form on her lips at his words. I dont know what you mean. He tapped the paper on his desk, his facial features scrunching further into an angry face. He has been allowing you to dine with your husband during lunch hours in the cafeteria, yes? She nodded, uncertain how this was a bad thing. Her lunches the past couple of days were going well. Derek was opening up to her and discussing things that hed kept a tight lid on for so long. Sorrow, fear, disappointmentemotions Evelyn thought herself alone in feeling until recently. These discussions affected her on a

deeper level than she believed Derek understood. No longer was she the stranger he lived with, but the woman he married. It gave her hope that their marriage was on the path to recovery. Apparently you now have grounds privileges, unsupervised. With effort, Evelyn ignored the disgust in Dr. Williams voice and concentrated on the words. Grounds privileges? Meaning outside? It seemed forever since shed felt the cool wind on her face, the spongy grass under her feet, the sun kissing her skin. Im going to petition the board to have it revoked. I dont think you are ready to be out in the elements. Personally, I dont think you have healed enough to even be in the dining hall. Since I highly regard my colleague, I will let that one go. But this He paused and tapped his finger against the paper work again. I dont support this move at all. Theres too many risk factors for you to try to kill yourself again. Evelyn suppressed the urge to roll her eyes. She knew it would only result in a lecture on how she was unable to control her emotions. An argument right now was the last thing she needed. Instead she stood and beamed her warmest, friendliest, fake smile at him. Well, I suppose if youre going to have it revoked, Id better hurry outside and enjoy it while I can. Have a wonderful day, Dr. Williams. Evelyns voice dripped with honey-sweet venom. Before he could protest, she slipped out the door and headed for her room to fetch her sneakers.

****

Derek frowned as he watched Evelyn shuffle along the walkway that meandered through the gardens of R&R. Her gait, completely at odds with the smile on her face, caused his gaze to stray to her on a regular basis. He attempted to study her discretely, trying to find the source of her odd walk. After about ten minutes of her walking like the living dead, he could take no more.

Are you hurt? Huh? She stopped, mid-shuffle, and stared up at him. What do you mean hurt? Have you sprained an ankle or fallen recently? Derek let his gaze rove over her again. Evelyn frowned and he noticed that she was nibbling on her bottom lip. She only did that when something was on her mind. NoWhy? He decided it was better to be blunt, especially considering her nervous lipchewing. You are walking strange. Her eyes darted from side to side, and a faint flush traveled across her cheeks. Im not hurt. That wasnt an answer and Derek wasnt about to drop it. Something about the conversation, most likely the source of her strange stride, had her on edge. It made him more determined to get to the bottom of it. Why are you walking like that then? Silence met his question as Evelyn started walking down the path again. Oh, this is not going to fly. Derek lengthened his pace to catch up to the retreating woman. Evelyn Astrid Moore! Her shoulder muscles tensed under his fingertips as she flinched. He knew she didnt like hearing her middle name, not since Astridea had passed. I dont want to talk about it, she muttered. Derek pressed his lips together as he bit back the retort that came to mind. Instead, he tried a diplomatic approach. If its bothering you, then it should be talked about. There is something wrong and Im not a good husband if I dont find out what it is and try to fix it. Her shoulder trembled under his palm, though she didnt pull away. You wouldnt understand. The words came out so whisper soft that he nearly missed them. Try me. He stepped around Evelyn until he could meet her gaze directly. In an attempt to soothe her, Derek traced a finger along her jaw line.

Its my shoes. Her tone was so low he had to lean forward to catch the words. He glanced down at her feet, puzzled by her answer. Though he could only see the toes peeking out from her baggy pants, they looked normal enough. Whats wrong with them? Are they broken? Derek kept his voice neutral. She shook her head, then let out a heavy sigh. They arent broken, per se. I dont have the shoe laces in them and when I try to walk, they fall off. So I have to walk like this. I hate it, but it is what it is. He tilted his head as he glanced down at her feet again. Why arent you wearing them with the shoe laces in, sweetheart? Evelyn covered her face with her palms and released an agonized-sounding groan. I cant! Derek clasped her hands in his as he tried to make sense of the entire situation. Eva? He chose his words with care, certain he was on dangerous ground. Why cant you? Because Im a lunatic. She wailed and tried to jerk away from his grasp. Realization dawned on him at her words. Derek became very aware of the wedding rings that hung alongside the dog tags on his neck. Evelyns wedding rings, that theyd taken from her when shed checked in to R&R Resort. Oh, Evelyn, they took your shoe laces, didnt they? She ceased struggling and looked up at him with liquid-filled eyes. Uh huh. They said my laces were a danger becausebecause He held a finger near her lips, effectively hushing her. I understand, sweetheart. You dont have to explain further. Why didnt you just say so? Her gaze fell and she stared at the ground. I look stupid. Evelyns voice had returned to the quiet tone of before. His heart broke in a thousand pieces at her words. Suddenly, he understood the entire situation with far more capability than earlier. Evelyn was embarrassed. To her, the shoes were a constant reminder of how others must view hersomeone mentally unstable.

Poor Eva, he murmured as he drew her close. My poor, beautiful lady. You arent crazy, you just had a moment where the world wore you down. If Id been by your side and helping you, as I should have been, you wouldnt be like this. Im so sorry. It was my choice to take the pills. My choice to die, she argued. Only because I made you feel like you werent wanted anymore. That you werent precious to me. Derek placed a gentle kiss against her forehead and inhaled the scent of her. I love you, Evelyn. Before she could reply, he lifted her chin and pressed his lips to hers. What meant the most was not the fact that she didnt pull away, nor the she melted into his arms. It was the soft whisper of I love you too that she said when the kiss was over.

Chapter Eleven

Evelyn clasped her hands together in her lap as she tried to control her shaking. Im ready to go home, she announced. She hurried on when she saw Dr. Williams stunned expression. My husband has already arranged for me to continue with weekly therapy at a well-known facility closer to home. Ill be on medication until such time as my therapist deems it no longer necessary. Ive been on grounds privileges for a week now, and my entire stay here has been without incident. She held her breath, anxiety causing her palms to sweat, as she waited for his verdict. When he steepled his fingers and rested his elbows on the desk, Evelyns heart sank. Hed made his dislike of her clear during her entire stay at the facility. She wasnt sure what shed done that made him fight every step she took forward, but she knew he was going to use his power to trump her now. Mrs. Moore, he began, his tone causing her to envision a child being scolded by a teacher. Youve only been at the facility a mere month. Though youve been productive and are well on the way to becoming a healthy member of society, I just

dont think you are ready to go yet. Your pastissues arent solved that easily. A backslide is too big of a risk. With effort, Evelyn held her temper and her tongue. She chewed on her bottom lip as she went over his words. Issues? she finally asked. What past issues? Well, aside from your obvious suicide attempt, there is the problem with your drug addiction and overdose. He smiled at her, his features serene as he dropped the bomb. Drug addiction? She fought to control her volume, and lost. What drug addiction? Ive never taken any drugs in my life. Dr. Williams shuffled through the papers on his desk before holding one up in particular. It says right here that you were hospitalized, via emergency room, for drug overdose. The room shifted around Evelyn, and everything seemed to spin and weave. It was over the counter medication, not anything illegal. One cannot possibly be considered a drug addict if theyve only done something once. Mrs. Moore, the evidence is in my hands. Overdosing is a common thing among drug addicts. If the shoe fits, we must wear it, even if we dont like it. He replaced the paper in the stack before smiling at her again. Id be glad to arrange therapy with our therapist who specializes in drug addiction. And if I were to start going, how much longer would it be before I could get discharged to go home? Evelyn kept her voice quiet, hoping that if she didnt fight him on this, hed be more likely to give her a quick time frame. Oh. He leaned back in his chair and stared up at the ceiling, as if mentally contemplating the process. Id say once youve attended therapy with them as well, and continued to show improvement, we could evaluate you for possible discharge in about a month. Another month? Evelyn physically gagged at the idea as she tried not to throw up. Her nerves were causing her stomach to perform a mamba that didnt sit well with her lunch. I cant deal with being here another month. There, there. Listen to yourself. Dr. Williams leaned forward, viewing her with a raised eyebrow. See, right there, you just admitted your coping skills still need

work and that means you arent stable enough to rejoin the rest of the world. Youre a danger to yourself and others. Without another word, she stood up and began pulling her shoes off. One, and then the other, hit the carpeted floor with a soft thud. When she picked them up and walked towards his desk, Dr. Williams stood up, an alarmed look on his face. What are you doing? His hand hovered over the intercom button on his phone. You said if the shoe fits, wear it. Well, Im throwing these shoes away. Since Ive been here, they dont fit anymore. With that, Evelyn dropped her sneakers into the trash can. She took pleasure in the loud noise the made as the landed in the metal container. This is not behavior conducive to Dr. Williams, youre fired. Evelyn crossed her arms as she glared down at him. He glared back, his lips pressed in a firm, disapproving line. Excuse me? You dont have that authority. You are a patient at a mental health clinic. No, sir, I dont. But my husband, who has complete power of attorney over me, is capable of that authority. He will be requesting that I am reassigned to a new psychiatrist this afternoon. Your methods of behavioral therapy are not best for my mental health. I feel threatened by you and discriminated against, and I will no longer tolerate it. His face turned red as he listened to her words. If you think this will g et you sent home faster, missy, then you are deluded. Evidence of your drug addiction will be brought forward and the board will hear about your little temper tantrum. Evelyn shrugged as she made her way to the door. Let them. After all, I am certified crazy now, arent I? Ill just plead temporary insanity. With a laugh that startled even her, Evelyn exited Dr. Williams office and slammed the door shut behind her. Good riddance to old rubbish.

****

At lunch the next day, Derek waited for his wife with two bags on hand. One held tacos, the other a surprise that he was sure shed love. Or at least, he hoped shed love it. Surely she would at least like it. He shook his head at his thoughts, chasing the demons of his self-esteem away. He knew Evelyn better than anyone else in the world. Hed spent years by her side, been through things with her that people had nightmares about, and he wasnt going to second guess his gift to her. Due to an extra class hed had to participate in yesterday, Derek hadnt seen Evelyn since yesterdays lunch. At Dr. Shermans insistence, hed participated in a lecture that dealt with helping patients transition back into their homes and lifestyles. It covered topics like recognizing triggers that could cause harmful behavior, how to deal with questions from people who noticed the family member was gone, and stressed follow-up therapy at qualified psychotherapists in or near the home town. Derek came away from the class with a whole new respect for the daily struggle his wife must have faced before shed attempted suicide. When she entered the cafeteria, the first thing he noticed was the determination on her face. Evelyn was on a war path, and he found himself flipping through his memories, trying to figure out what he could have done to piss her off. He stood, meeting her halfway, as his stomach tied itself in knots of apprehension. Whats wrong? At his words, her face seemed to soften a little. She placed a kiss on his cheek before gesturing towards the fast food bag. I smell tacos. Lets eat while I tell you about it. He nodded and sat, making certain every bit of his body language indicated he was listening to her. Derek wanted to be certain that she knew he was there and ready to help. Like he should have done before. Dr. Williams has decided I cant go home yet. Apparently Im a drug addict. Though her words were calm, he noticed that her face had become an emotionless mask. The idea that someone thought something like that about her obviously bothered her on a deep level. You are no such thing. Where did he get an idea like that?

Evelyn took a bite from a taco, chewed it, then swallowed before answering. My hospital papers from my transfer state I was a drug overdose case. In his mind, drug overdose automatically means drug addict. Ill have a talk with him. He sounds like a real dick and I wouldnt mind giving him a piece of my mind. Derek crumpled a wrapper in his hand as he imagined it was this Williams. She waved his anger away before shooting him a half-hearted smile. I fired him. Okay, so actually I told him that you were going to fire him. You are going to fire him, right? He met his wifes gaze and summoned the most reassuring smile he could muster . Im thinking that Dr. Sherman might be a better therapist for you. Ill speak to him as soon as were done with lunch and ask how to make that happen. With a sound of joy, Evelyn jumped up from her side of the table and wrapped him in a tight hug. Thank you, she whispered before kissing his temple. That man is a negative Nelly and I cant stand one more second of him. Please, I want to go home. Well get you home, Eva. Just leave everything to me.

Chapter Twelve

After theyd finished eating, Derek stayed true to his word and left to speak with Dr. Sherman. Evelyn remained in the cafeteria, staring at a TV screen as she mused over her own private thoughts. She didnt feel like going back to her room, even upstairs at all, for that matter. Being up there gave her the creeps and some of the patients frightened her. Are you alright? The gentle voice, one that Evelyn recognized immediately, was a welcome intrusion on her thoughts. She smiled up at Sandra. As okay as I can be.

The nurse smiled and sat down across from her with a lunch tray. Hmmm, something tells me you need a listening ear. Whats up? Everything okay between you and Mr. Moore? Her and Derek? Evelyn blinked, caught by surprise over the question. She and her husband were, for now, the least of her worries. But Sandras question did put things into perspective. Shed spent so much time worrying about how to get out of this place, shed almost forgotten what put her here to begin with. I She frowned and chewed on her bottom lip for a moment. Well, I think were okay. I guess were okay. I like you better than my wife. Evelyn squeezed her eyes shut as she tried to block out the voice. No, no, no! Not now. Shed come too far to let the voices that haunted her gain ground again no w. Dr. Williams is an asshole and called me a drug addict, she blurted out. When silence met her, she opened a single eye tentatively. Sandra sat staring at her, mouth agape. Thats awful. Not that I dont believe you, but why would he say something like that? In misery, Evelyn opened her eyes fully and stared down at the table. I took a bunch of pills when I tried to commit suicide. Because my hospital transfer records say I had an overdose, somehow that automatically labels me a drug addict. He told me I cant go home for another month. Warmth enveloped her hand and she realized Sandra had covered it with her own. You really want to go home, dont you? Evelyn nodded as she blinked back tears. Why did it seem like she was always crying? She hated crying. Im sure a place like this is wonderful for people who truly are mentally disturbed, but being here just makes me feel worse. I dont belong here. My depression stemmed from circumstance, not some kind of hormonal, chemical, whatever imbalance. Are you no longer depressed? Somehow, she knew Sandras question had a deeper meaning than the obvious. Evelyn mulled the question over for a few moments. Was she no longer depressed? No. The wounds she suffered from would take a long time to heal. They would

certainly take far longer than the month shed been here. There was no instant cure, no magic fix-all that could take the pain of losing her baby away. And no eraser in the world was big enough to remove the memories of discovering the horrible text messages on her husbands phone. Im still depressed, she admitted, speaking slowly as she chose her words with care. I often find myself sitting and crying because I try so hard to figure out why these things happened, and I have no answer. Just a bunch of what-ifs and self accusations. But I no longer want to die. Sandra gave her hand a gentle squeeze. I like hearing that. Living is good. Evelyn offered her a weak smile. After Astridea died, I spent a lot of time in stasis. Bed rest from the coma gave me lots of time to agonize and obsess over her death and the wreck. The few times I tried to talk to Derek about it, he was distant. I know now that it was his way of dealing with the pain and fear, and hes promised me that hell never use that method again should anything else ever happen. Back then, though, I saw it as him rejecting me. Further proof that I was to blame for it all. Then Her voice wavered as the emotions washed over her, raw and stinging, like salt in an open wound. When I saw the messages between him and his therapist. Derek and the woman who was supposed to be helping us fix our life Its okay. Sandra patted her hand. I understand. I dont approve of the way you chose to deal with it, but I understand. Sandra? I know Im not schizophrenic. Im not. But since then, when I get scared, the things they wrote to each otherI hear them, in my head. Well. The nurse pulled back and stared at her with a thoughtful expression. You just need to drown those voices out. They have no room in your life and no right to fill your head with terrible words. Im not a psychiatrist, but I do know one thing thatll help. Evelyn leaned forward as she awaited Sandras next words. She listened so intently that she held her breath for fear she might miss out on, or worse yet, misunderstand the golden wisdom that was about to be imparted to her. Every time you hear those nasty words, you yell even louder in your head. You say, I am loved. Dont try to think about who or where or why. You just need to know, and believe those words.

I am loved. She repeated the mantra in her head a few times, liking how it filled her with strength. Thank you. The words came out a mere whisper, but Evelyn knew Sandra heard them just the same. Whatever reply that rested on Sandras lips was interrupted by the trill of her cell phone. The nurse pulled it out, glanced at the caller, then shot Evelyn an apologetic look. Im sorry, is it okay if I take this? Its my mom. With a laugh, Evelyn waved a dismissive had at her. Go on, shoo. After issuing another apology, Sandra left the table and disappeared out one of the doors. Evelyn sighed and contemplated the time. Normally shed be in therapy with Dr. Williams right now, but shed be damned if she was going to that. There was no help for it, she was just going to have to head up stairs and hide in her room. As she rose, her foot hit something under the table that made a soft crinkle sound. Puzzled, Evelyn pulled a plastic bag out and opened it. Sandra hadnt been carrying a bag when she sat down, so Evelyn assumed it was something Derek forgot. Inside was a shoebox. She pulled the box out and opened it as well. A thrill of delight went through her at the sight of a new pair of boots in her size. Tucked in the top of one was a note. Eva, May your first steps in these be on the road to rebuilding our future. Love, Derek P.S. Heres a pair they cant take laces from!

****

Derek stepped outside and took a deep breath to calm his temper. His wife hadnt been kidding, that doctor was a real prick. The board was willing to listen to both sides, but he knew it would take more than his word and Dr. Shermans

endorsement to beat this guy. The man was smoother than a recruiter buttering up high school kids. He knew if his wife stayed here any longer, what progress theyd made would go downhill and fast. Especially considering his emergency leave would be up in just a few days. Derek needed to get her home and settled before he returned to work. There was no doubt in his mind that if he left her here, alone, that hed lose his wife. Maybe even in the worst and most permanent way possible. No other option would do; he was going to have to call in the big guns. Derek pulled his cell phone out and flipped it open. Flint answered before the second ring. Flint? Its Moore. Its about EvaI need help.

Chapter Thirteen

Evelyn paced the walkway that curved through the grounds flower garden in restless anxiety. When she tried to stop, her whole body throbbed, making her imagine herself as a racehorse, pressing against the gate. All she needed was the go, a green light, for that gate to swing open, and she would be out of here faster than the blink of an eye. Jonathan Flint had showed up earlier that morning, his face set in the firm lines of a man on a mission. The hug he gave her was still full of gentle care, but their short conversation had been terse, at best. Her husband acted much the same way, though the appearance of his longtime friend and superior officer seemed to put him more at ease. Theyd left her not long after Jonathans arrival. Derek pressed a kiss against her forehead before wrapping his arms around her in a sudden, unexpected hug. Dont worry, sweetheart, he whispered against her ear. One way or another, Im not leaving you here alone. We have to go to a meeting now. I love you. I love you too, shed replied. That had been hours ago and Evelyn had yet to hear from them again. She didnt like the fact that until Jonathan showed up, Derek had said nothing about a

meeting. What kind of meeting was it anyway, and with who? She could only assume it had something to do with her dislike of Dr. Williams. Or maybe her desire to go home. Either way, the wait was killing her. Shes a crazy bitch anyway. Evelyn squeezed her eyes shut at the hateful words. Im not crazy, she argued. You say, I am loved. Dont try think about who or where or why. The soothing words that Sandra said yesterday filled her head. Yes, that was what she needed to do. With as much force as she could muster, Evelyn screamed the words in her head. I am loved!

****

The wind was like a balm on Dereks skin. The office where the board meeting took place had been freezing. Or maybe it was just his nerves playing hell on his system? Either way, the warm summer breeze felt damn good. He inhaled, filling his chest with as much of it as he could and tried to wipe the smell of cleaning agents from his lungs. That was fun. Flint leaned against the railing that ran along a patio outside of the cafeteria. Derek smiled at the obvious sarcasm in his friends voice. All that arguing and debating, just to be informed that since she signed herself in, all I had to do was insist on signing her out. Told you that power of attorney would be helpful. Just be careful if Eva asks how you got her out. Im not sure You were discharged into my care against medical advice will set well with her. Flints smile almost reached his eyes as he gave Derek a sideways glance.

The bottom dropped out of Moores stomach. Oh, hell. Can you just imagine? I could see her stomping her foot and screaming, I dont need a babysitter. They both laughed at the imagine of petite, dark haired Evelyn losing her temper in such a way. The silence that followed hung heavy between them. So now what? Jonathan Flint clasped his hands together as he stared out across the grounds. Derek shook his head, at a loss. Now what, indeed. He searched deep into the pathways of his soul before he had an idea. First thing Im going to do is disassemble the nursery. It hurt bad enough to see everything intact the past few months, as if Astridea was coming home any minute. Now, Ive got the memory of finding Evelyn in there, damn near dead too. You think shell let you? I dont know, Derek admitted with hesitation. Not sure what else to do though. Flint raised up, stretched, and then grabbed one of the patio chairs and seated himself in it. Are you two going to try for another baby? His voice was quiet, neutral, careful. With a sinking heart, Derek shook his head. We cant. Astridea was our one in a million shot. The doctors performed a hysterectomy after the birth because the polyps that were preventing us from carrying had gotten out of hand. They were afraid theyd turn cancerous soon. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Hell, we had our miracle He trailed off as a lump formed in his throat. Jonathan nodded in silent understanding. Hed known about their trouble conceiving. His wife and Evelyn were close friends too. Or at least, theyd been before depression caused Evelyn to literally shut everyone out of her life by never leaving her home or answering her phone. I know its none of my business, but what about adoption? Adoption? Derek mulled it over, stunned. Theyd never talked about it, never even thought about it. Well, at least he hadnt. The two of them had been so busy trying to prove that they could, against all odds, have a baby, that they didnt think to look at alternate routes. Now, with the gaping hole in their lives

We hadnt thought about it. Derek rubbed his jaw line and frowned over the stubble that scratched his palm. But Im sure as hell going to bring it up to Eva. Flint nodded before pointing across the grounds. Isnt that her, over there? Bet shes about worry herself sick over the meeting. Youd better go break the good news to her. Derek smiled at the figure wandering around the flower garden across the way. Hed talk to her about the adoption bit, but not just yet. Right now, he just wanted to tell her that she was going home.

Chapter Fourteen

The voices were happening far less often these days. Evelyn smiled at the knowledge as she continued folding laundry. The words Sandra taught her, along with Derek striving to repair their marriage and weekly therapy appointments with a local psychiatrist had done wonders for her. She was still sad. When she saw children out in public, it broke her heart. The first couple of times Derek managed to coax her into going shopping or out to dinner, it seemed the world wanted to taunt her. There were literally babies and toddlers everywhere! Evelyn ended up in tears and begged Derek to take her home. Progress was slow, but it was being made. That, she reminded herself, was what really mattered. Four months had passed since that night when shed taken all those pills. Three since her release from R&R Resort. Evelyn sent letters to Sandra on a regular basis, updating her on the little milestones shed conquered lately and promising she wasnt suicidal anymore. The letters she got back where often short, scribbled in crayon, and full of positive words. It was funny that at the worst moment in her life, when Evelyn was at rock bottom, was when shed made one of her greatest friends. Derek often left her notes too. Little scraps of paper that simply said I love you, or praising her beauty. They were random, and usually in unexpected places. On her

mirror above her sink so shed see it in the morning while brushing her teeth, or on the table in the kitchen with flower beside it. The day after theyd finally had sex again, shed gotten one stashed in her underwear drawer, describing how sexy she was and how grateful he was to have her as his wife. Her favorite surprise, by far, was a fairly recent one. Her husband had come home with a card in hand. The front had a picture of a kitten being shielded from rain by a massive dog. The inside read, Ill always be your umbrella during any storm.

In tiny handwriting, at the bottom of the card, Derek had added more words.

But will mew be mine?

Shed smiled at the word play, but puzzled over it as well. The card was cute and she liked the message. Of course Ill be your umbrella too, she exclaimed while she hugged him. That card isnt from me, he said with a cryptic smile. Evelyn frowned at him, not understanding. Then who is it from? I dont know. He didnt tell me his name. Or more like, he tried, but I cant speak his language. He laughed at her then and, before she could say anything more, he reached into the side pocket of his fatigues. Time seemed to stand still as he pulled a tiny, orange striped kitten out of his uniform. The creature was sleeping and only stretched over the disturbance. Oh my gosh, Evelyn squealed. A kitten. Where on Earth did you get him? Hes such a little guy. She pulled the baby animal close to her chest and fell instantly in love. His tiny body vibrated with an automatic purr as he opened his gray-green eyes and gazed up at her. We had shooting practice today. Aarons, one of the best snipers around, was on his stomach taking aim at a target when this rookie pops up larger than life in his

scope. Damn near made Aarons shoot him out of reflex. He was trying to climb the barrel of the rifle. No one has the slightest idea where he came from, since our gun range is way out in the far corner of the base. Derek shrugged as he patted the kitten on the head. I thought maybe youd like him, so I brought him home. Evelyn laughed again as she thought about the story. The kitten, now known as Sniper, was her constant companion. He couldnt fill the aching gap in her heart, but he did a good job of trying. His antics were enough to make her forget some days. Still, it would have been nice to have a baby.

****

Derek arrived home, his hand hesitating above the door knob. Is it too soon? I want to do it today, but maybe I should wait just a little bit longer? He shook his head at his thoughts in defiance. No, he was not going to wait any longer. Hes seen the look on her face; he knew the depths of his wifes heart. Enough was enough. Set on his course, Derek pushed the door open and entered the house. Evelyn, Im home. Silence met him, causing his stomach to clench. Memories of finding her upstairs in the nursery, head lolling back, murmuring incoherent gibberish slammed into him. He waited a moment, two, three. His heart pounded in his chest so hard it vibrated throughout his body. Evelyn! He roared her name, trying to trample the panic that threatened to overtake him. He heard the back door open and slam shut. Derek? Her soft voice left him nearly sagging against the nearest wall in relief. Are you okay? She walked into sight, her eyes large and full of question. Sniper was in her arms, his tiny paw swatting at a stray lock of her hair.

I didnt know where you were and I got scared, Derek admitted. Hed found it easier to tell her the whole truth these days; to offer her a full look at the emotions that coursed within him. It felt right to be so honest with her. She smiled at him, her eyes revealing her pleasure at the fact he cared so much. I was just outside, taking the trash out. Nothing to worry about, I promise. It didnt matter that he knew that now, Derek realized. Regardless of the fact she was safe, he still needed to touch her, to hold her, to check every inch of her body and soul for wounds. He knew hed find plenty of scars on her soul, but what mattered was that shed survived those. He needed to be sure nothing new was threatening to take her away from him. Until now, hed been cautious in his sexual advances. Evelyn needed time to heal from what hed done to her, and he understood that. Just now, driven by the rush of adrenaline and relief over finding her alive, he couldnt bring himself to be slow or gentle. The kiss he laid upon her lips was more a claim than anything. He heard her breath catch and a smile tugged at his lips as she issued a soft moan of joy. She enjoyed it, he reassured himself. Shes not drawing away from me. The odd sensation of something moving against his upper stomach had him breaking the kiss and looking down in puzzlement. Sniper, glared back up at him. You almost squished the kitten, Evelyn said with a laugh. She leaned over and placed the kitten on the floor. The orange ball of fluff stared at her a moment before his attention was caught by nearby toy that needed a good pouncing. There, that riff-raff is taken care of. Now what about you? Derek brought his wife close to him once more as he stroked her cheek with his thumb. I dunno. She brought a hand up, placing her fingertips to her swollen lips. What was that all about? You. He placed another, gentler kiss on her forehead. I was happy to see you. She chuckled as she nuzzled into his throat. So I see. Eva? Derek hesitated. Was now the time, the place, the right atmosphere? I need to talk to you.

The change in her was almost instant. He watched her gaze flatten, felt her grip around his waist loosen. The lights are on but theres no one home. He needed to say what was on his mind, and quick, before his inability with wording things right set them back. I want a baby. He paused, gauging her reaction, before adding, With you. Disappointment replaced the distance in her eyes. You know I cant give you that. Maybe not physically, but we could still have a baby. As she opened her mouth to speak, he pressed a finger to her lips. What about adopting? Silence. He searched her face as he tried to figure out if she was angry or surprised. A tear caught his attention as it rolled down her cheek. Are you serious? Her voice was so soft, so full of tears, that he was still lost as to her true feelings. Well, uhI Derek took a deep breath. Always be honest with your emotions when it comes to your wife. Be honest with her over things that you cant even be honest with yourself about. Dr. Shermans words echoed in his head, giving him strength. I hurt, Evelyn. Sniper is great, and I like him, but I miss holding Astridea. I know adopting a baby wont take away that hurt, well never be able to replace her, but I still want to try to be a parent. I was hoping you feel the same way too. Our nursery is just sitting there, aching to be filled. Evelyn burst into tears.

Chapter Fifteen

Evelyn stumbled through the darkness as she attempted to find the light switch. Blasted thing. She swore it magically relocated itself just above or below its

daytime position in an effort to screw with her. The hectic cries that pulled her from her dreams continued to echo through the room. As her groping fingers landed on the light switch, she heard Derek groan from the other side of the bedroom. With a smile, she squeezed eyes shut and flipped it on. The wail that already filled the air was accompanied by a deeper, male bellow of pain. Big baby, Evelyn said with a snicker. Its just light. Some tough military man you are. She walked over to the basinet that dominated one side of their room and lifted the bundle that writhed and squalled. She pulled the blankets back to get a clear view of the angry, red face. Someone needs to teach that kid to either sleep all night or learn to make his own food. Hell learn to do both eventually, Evelyn murmured. And when he does, well wonder where all the time went. Derek tried to pull himself out of bed, but a blob of orange kept him immobile. Evelyn suppressed a laugh as she watched her husband lift the huge cat off of his legs. And this one, he said, needs to eat less and is big enough for his own room. She pat Anthonys back in a steady rhythm as she made her way to the door. Oh, yeah. You remember how well it went over last time you tried to lock Sniper out of the bedroom. Ugh, dont remind me. Derek shuddered as he glared at the cat. It took me weeks to find just the right shade of carpet to patch that bald spot in the floor. The traveled downstairs in silence and, once in the kitchen, fell into their normal nighttime routine. Evelyn changed Anthony while Derek fixed him a bottle. The silence between them was comfortable, and she liked that he helped her, unlike some husbands shed heard about. As they sat at the table, watching their son suck away on his bottle, Evelyn stroked his dark, downy hair. He looks so much like you, its amazing.

Derek beamed at her. Its because Im so good, my genes permeated him after he was born. Their laughter startled the baby into opening his eyes. He glanced between the two of them, his brow furrowing as he thought about whatever babies think about. Moments later it smoothed back out and, once more, his eyes began drooping. Hes so perfect. Evelyn placed a gentle kiss on one of his tiny hands. In a couple of days, hell be three months old. It may have taken us over a year to get him, but he was worth every minute. Derek leaned over and stroked a thumb across Anthonys cheek. She smiled at her husband before returning her gaze to her baby. Her baby. Dont worry, little guy. We promise to always love and cherish you, just like we still love and cherish your big sister whos watching from above. And to honor, Derek suddenly added. That was one vow Ill never break again. I promise to love, cherish, and honor all of you, forever. Always and forever, Evelyn agreed.

THE END

About The Author

When D. F. Krieger was banned from writing contests at her school, she immediately set it in her head that she would become a professional writer. Since then, she has thrown away her plans of world domination through books, but she still enjoys writing. Her tastes run from classy urban witches to dragons, space pirates to shape shifters. By the time she pens her final book with a hand ravaged by age, she hopes to introduce her readers to many alternate worlds, lines of thinking, and captivating characters.

You can find D. F. on the East Coast, hiding away from the real world with a gleam in her eye and a plot in her head. She resides with her husband, kids, and pets; who all kindly put up with her random bouts of laughter (over things she can't explain) and journal collecting fetish.

Secret Cravings Publishing

www.secretcravingspublishing.com

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