Stupid White Men

and Other Sorry Excuses for

the State of the Nation
Michael Moore
Copyright 2001 by Michael Moore. All rights reserved. Printed in the
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/0E1E 21E /0OSE who say it all started to unra8el the ni.ht of &o8ember <, (""",
when 7eb /ush .a8e his brother 4eor.e 7r. an early Christmas present3the state of Florida.
For others, those upon whom a decade@s fortune had smiled, the turnin. point came
when the Dow had its bi..est annual loss in almost twenty years.
For most, thou.h, the day the music died came the ni.ht we were told Pluto was no
lon.er a planet, and life as we knew it was as distant as the look in the new BPresident@sC
eyes.
5here8er you choose to pinpoint the e9act moment when it all crumbled before your
eyes, it matters not. *he only thin. that matters is that we, collecti8ely, as :mericans, all
know that someone has pulled the plu. on our all,ni.ht bin.e. *he :merican CenturyD
*hat@s o8er. 5elcome to your Century (! &i.htmareA
: man no one elected sits in the 5hite House.
California can@t find enou.h electricity to operate its Euicers, or e9ecute its inmates.
t@s cheaper to Fed#9 yourself across town than to dri8e there.
)ussia and China ha8e si.ned a new pact3Eust when we@d dismantled the last of the
fallout shelters.
Dot,coms ha8e turned into &ot,coms, makin. the &:SD:F as safe a bet as a
backroom. craps .ame in )eno.
*he past two years ha8e seen the most layoffs since the worst years of the )ea.an
)enaissance de8astated the country.
'ou stand a better chance of datin. =atherine Harris or *om De-ay than of makin.
your &orthwest connection in Detroit on a sunny day.
5hat@s that you sayD 'ou want to talk to a real human bein. in Bcustomer ser8iceBD H:
H: H:A Press B2C and kiss the rest of your day .ood,bye.
+h, and aren@t you luckyA 'ou@re workin. two Eobs, and so is your wife, and you@8e .ot
little 7immy workin. down at McDonald@s, too, so you can afford that new home on the
tree,lined street with neatly trimmed lawns and little white picket fences, and3look, there
goes Spot to greet 4randpa as he p"lls into the drivewayA3and ne9t month
you@re .oin. to make the last payment on that student loan you@8e had for the past twenty
years, but then ... S6DD#&-', your company has announced it@s mo8in. to Me9ico3
without youA 'our wife@s employer has decided she@s no lon.er needed because the new
Bhuman resourcesC consultant belie8es that one person can easily do the Eobs of three) and
little 7immy has come down with an unknown illness from somethin. he ate out of the
Mc&u..et fryer, and your HM+ says they won@t co8er little 7immy@s operation but they@ll
be happy to treat him as an outpatient if you@re willin. to dri8e to *iEuana twice a week
because, well, they@8e built a new outpatient clinic Eust across the border, thanks to free
trade, which may or may not be responsible for the worm found in 7immy@s half,eaten
Mc&u..et3oh, sorry, the collection a.ency Eust called and they@d like your new Celica
back because you@8e missed a payment5 'ey) maybe when you .o to *iEuana and drop
7immy off you can head down the street and reapply for your old Eob, where all the
BassociatesC are .i8en their own outhouse and fed a free breakfast burrito when they arri8e
at work at fi8e o@clock e8ery mornin..
Pardon me if was dreamin., but weren@t thin.s lookin. up Eust a year or so a.oD
5eren@t we supposed to be li8in. throu.h the Blar.est economic e9pansion in historyCD
Hadn@t the .o8ernment ended fifty,fi8e years of operatin. in the red and finally boasted a
Bcash surplusC lar.e enou.h to fi9 e8ery road, brid.e, and tooth in :mericaD :ir and water
pollution were at their lowest le8els in decades, crime was at a record low, teen pre.nancies
had dropped out of si.ht, and more kids were .raduatin. from hi.h school and colle.e than
e8er before. +ld people li8ed lon.er, you could call =atmandu for !( cents a minute, and
the nternet was brin.in. all the world Gsa8e the two billion or so who li8e without
electricityH closer to.ether. Palestinians broke bread with sraelis, Catholics shared a pint
with Protestants in &orthern reland. 'es, life was .ettin. a whole lot better3and we all
felt it. People were friendlier, stran.ers on the street would .i8e you the time of day, and
)e.is made the Iuestions easier so we could ha8e more millionaires.
*hen somethin. happened.
n8estors lost millions in the stock market. Crime went up for the first time in a decade.
7ob losses skyrocketed. :merican icons like Mont.omery 5ard and *5: 8anished.
Suddenly we were (.$ million barrels short of oil6every day5 sraelis started killin.
Palestinians a.ain, and Palestinians returned the fa8or. /y mid( "" !, thirty,se8en countries
were at war around the world. China became our new enemy3a.ain. *he 6nited &ations
kicked us off their Human )i.hts Commission, and the #uropean 6nion attacked us for
unilaterally 8iolatin. the :/M treaty by reintroducin. BStar 5ars.C t was hard, damn hard,
to find a .ood mo8ieJ millions stopped watchin. network tele8isionJ and e8ery radio station
you tuned in sounded the same3like crap.
n short, all of a sudden e8erythin. sucked. 5hether it@s the shaky economy, depleted
ener.y supplies, elusi8e world peace, no Eob security, no health care, or the simple unusable
ballot we were .i8en to pick a President, it has become maddenin.ly clear to most
:mericans that nothing seems to work. Firestone tires don@t work, and the Ford #9plorers
that ride atop them don@t work either3which means you don@t work at all because you@re
dead and decapitated and lyin. in a ditch outside the Dunkin@ Donuts.
1!! doesn@t work. 2!! doesn@t work. Cell phones don@t work, and when they do, it@s
some asshole ha8in. an ar.ument with his broker at the table ne9t to you while you@re
tryin. to eat dinner.
Freedom of choice is a thin. of the past. 5e@re down to si9 media companies, si9
airlines, two and a half carmakers, and one radio con.lomerate. #8erythin. you will e8er
need is at 5alMart. 'ou can choose between two political parties that sound alike, 8ote
alike, and are funded alike by the same e9act wealthy donors. 'ou can choose to wear
nondescript pastels and keep your mouth shut, or you can choose to wear a Marilyn
Manson *,shirt and .et kicked out of school. /ritney or Christina, 5/J or 6P&, Florida or
*e9as3there ain@t no fri..in@ difference, folks, it@s all the same, it@s all the same, it@s all the
same....
How did all this happenD *hree little words:
Stupid 5hite Men.
*hink about it: the /ush boys, who took the slender inheritance of Poppy@s political
mind Gnot to mention charismaH and spread it e8en thinner amon. themsel8es. Dick
Cheney, Donald )umsfeld, Spencer :braham, and the other old shills /ush re8i8ed to prop
him up. *he C#+s of the Fortune $""J the wiKards behind Hollywood and fi8e,hundred,
channel *;J hell, the a8era.e 7oe who sees !$ mp. on his new,car sticker and thinks Bnot
badAC as the oKone clouds part abo8e his head.
*hat@s ri.ht, the whole planet is bein. o8errun3and @m con8inced it@s startin. to fi.ht
back. +ne day last February in Chica.o the temperature hit <" de.rees, and what
happenedD #8eryone was, like, 5ow, this is .reatA People were walkin. around in shorts,
and the beach alon. -ake Michi.an was filled with sunbathers. B/oy, lo8e this weather,C
said one lady to me on the street.
'ou lo8e thisD -et me ask you3if the sun suddenly rose at midni.ht toni.ht, would you
say, B+h, wow, this is beautifulA lo8e itA More dayli.htAC
&o, of course you wouldn@t. 'ou@d be freakin. out on a le8el that has ne8er been
measured. 'ou would be screamin. bloody murder that the #arth was spinnin. out of
control, headin. toward the sun at a million miles a second. doubt anyone would be
runnin. to the beach to catch any of those bonus rays. +f course, maybe it@s not that bad:
maybe someone Eust launched a thousand warheads on Milwaukee, and that7s the bri.ht
li.ht you@re seein. to the north as nuclear fission interacts with 8acant boarded,up
breweries. #ither way, you@d be rippin. throu.h so many Hail Marys and 4od Ha8e
Mercies you mi.ht Eust knock ten years off your sentence to pur.atory.
So why on earth do we think a <",de.ree day in the coldest month of the year, in one of
the coldest cities in :merica, is somethin. to crow aboutD 5e ou.ht to be demandin. action
from our representati8es, and swift retribution a.ainst those responsible for these climate
chan.es. *his isn@t right) folks: somethin. is terribly wron.. :nd if you don@t belie8e me,
ask that dead infected cow you@re drownin. in :,!. He knew the answer, but we killed him
before we could moo it out of him.
/ut let@s not worry about Mother #arth3she@s lasted throu.h much worse. -et the tree,
hu..ers lose their sleep o8er it3we@re too damn busy tryin. to make moneyA
:li, money. *he sweet stench of success. : couple years a.o was talkin. to a .uy in a
bar who happened to be a stockbroker. He asked me about my Bin8estments.C told him
didn@t ha8e any, that don@t own a sin.le share of stock. He was stunned.
B'ou mean you don@t ha8e a portfolio where you keep your moneyD C
B don@t think it@s a .ood idea to keep your money in portfolios,C replied, Bor in a
briefcase, or e8en under the futon. sa8e what little can in a place called a Lbank,@ where
ha8e what the old,timers call a Lsa8in.s account.@ C
He was not amused. B'ou@re Eust screwin. yourself,C he said. 8And you@re bein.
irresponsible. remember readin. you made a lot of money from your first film, ri.htD Do
you know how much you@d ha8e today if you@d in8ested it in the stock market ten years
a.oD Probably about thirty mil.C
*hirty millionD DollarsD Coulda been mineD :....hhhhAAA 5hat was thinkin.D
Suddenly .ot 8ery Iueasy, and it felt like all my principles and beliefs were about to
end up on my shoes. e9cused myself and went outside.
Some time after this e8ent, the stockbroker .uy .ot hold of my home address and
started sendin. me weekly Bmarket updatesC and other propa.anda in the hope that @d .i8e
him my kid@s colle.e fund to .amble with on the Strip known as 5all Street.
5ell, the Bn8estment +pportunitiesC flyers ha8e stopped comin.. n the past ei.hteen
months, Microsoft has .one from M!(" to M2", Dell from M$" to M!0, and Pets.com and its
cute little sock puppet ha8e .one to puppy hea8en. *he &:SD:F has lost nearly 2"
percent of its 8alue, and a8era.e :mericans, snookered into the madness of playin. the
market with their mea.er sa8in.s, ha8e lost billions. :ny thou.hts of Bearly retirementC we
may ha8e entertained are out the windowJ we@ll be lucky if they let us cut back to forty
hours a week when we@re ei.hty,two, or incontinent, whiche8er comes first.
:ctually, not all of us. *here are almost fifty,si9 thousand new millionaires in the
country3and they@8e, made out like bandits. *hey made their money because they already
had a .oodly sum to be.in with and then in8ested it in companies that .ot rich by throwin.
people out of work, e9ploitin. children and the poor in other countries, and recei8in. bi.
reductions in their ta9es. For them .reed wasn@t .ood, it was mandatory. n fact, they were
so .ood at creatin. a climate of .reed that the word itself went out of style. &ow it@s called
S6CC#SSA and, yes, it comes with its own punctuation. Soon 8irtually no one Iuestioned
all this .luttony as wron. or obsceneJ it became such a part of our daily life that when this
character from *e9as .ot .reedy and took an election he didn@t win, we stood back and
.a8e it to him3he wasn@t bein. .reedy, after all, Eust bein. smart. Eust as corporate
a.riculture@s dicey schemes to corrupt the .enetic makeup of your corn flakes aren@t insane
or .reedy3that@s pro.ress. 7ust as the .uy ne9t door who wants the bi..est S6; e8er built
isn@t bein. .reedy3he Eust wants more torIue, babyA
*his Stupid 5hite ;irus is so powerful it has e8en infected rin.ers like Colin Powell,
nterior Secretary 4ale &orton, and &ational Security :d8iser CondoleeKa )ice. :nd it@s
created a deep funk3a .rand, national funk you can feel where8er you .o. t has permeated
us so profoundly wonder if we@ll e8er reco8er.
+f course, we@re all tryin. hard to for.et about the moment when this u.ly cultural shift
hit critical mass and the Forces of #8il took o8er. know what it is, you know what it is,
e8en an idiot like /rit Hume knows what it is. t@s that damn stolen election. Stolen,
hiEacked, abducted, and ripped from the 8ery hands and hearts of the :merican people.
*here is absolutely &+ DSP6*# o8er who .ot the most 8otes, and there@s little Iuestion
now about the shenani.ans that took place in FloridaJ yet he who won is not the man we see
playin. 5iffle ball on the South -awn this afternoon.
'es, we@re all tellin. oursel8es nothin. all that bad really happened3.et o8er it, we@8e
been told3but the e8ents of those thirty,si9 days shook us hard, knocked the wind out of
us, and wed.ed somethin. deep in our national craw. &othin. short of one bi. national
Heimlich maneu8er can sa8e us now. 5e@re stumblin. around blue in the face, wonderin. if
relief will come in time. 5ill ha8e my Eob ne9t yearD 5hat will happen to my retirement
fundD Do ice cubes count as a food .roup.
-1U .1 10 C1U05 t@s a tou.h lesson to learn. :nd tou.her still to disco8er
that all the stuff you@8e always been told to do3 8ote, obey the law, recycle your wine,
cooler bottles doesn@t really matter, either. 'ou mi.ht as well pull the shades and take the
phone off the hook, because you and your fellow :mericans ha8e Eust been declared
irrele8ant. -o"r services as a citi9en) #e regret to inform yo") are no longer
re%"ired.
So confusion rei.ns, and the seismic tremors of national frustration are startin. to
rumble beneath our feet. *he .rumblin. isn@t subsidin., it@s .rowin. each day. #i.ht
months after the election, deep into (""!, a Fo9 &ews poll announced that nearly 0"
percent of the :merican public had &+* .otten o8er how /ush took the 5hite House3
that we@re still Ban.ry.C *hat@s a lon. time to harbor a..ressi8e ill will toward our -eader. :
mood that swin.s out of control like this3 with no promptin. from refined su.ar or +prah
3 is a mood that can alter history. Millions of :mericans, from all points on the political
spectrum, are feelin. off,balance, unsure, upset, un.lued. *he rest are in prison.
*he common 8iew in the heartland is that the ship of state is runnin. on fumes, and no
one@s at the wheelJ after all, the desi.nated dri8er wasn@t desi.nated by anyone3 and he@s a
self,confessed drunk dri8er to boot.
Hard,core )epublicans are desperately hopin. that /i. Dick Cheney can sur8i8e half a
doKen more heart attacks and last lon. enou.h to o8ersee the rapin. and pilla.in. of
e8erythin. west of 5ichita. 5hat they don@t realiKe is that he@s already put the rest of the
country into cardiac arrest. Meanwhile, he and his .an. are double,timin. it to dismantle as
much of the en8ironment, the Constitution, and the e8idence in *allahassee as they can
before the #MS unit called #lection (""( arri8es.
:nd if there@s one thin. @m certain of, there@s a tria.e a,comin@. *he :merican public
will be turnin. off the life support system on this administration faster than you can say
B7ack Splat =e8orkian.C
So hack away, Ms. &orton3last heard, trees .row backA /ombs away, Mr. )umsfeld
and 4eneral Powell3we@re all out of Ser.eant Mc;ei.hs for you to pin medals onA Drill
away, Mr. :braham3we@ll ha8e you parkin. those bi. .as ho.s at the 4rosse Pointe 'acht
Club before you know itA
Soon, like .ood Saint 7effords of ;ermont, the elephants will be Eumpin. from the
sinkin. ship. *he rest of us will Eust sit back and enEoy the show while contemplatin. how
to make ne9t month@s house payment, and where to take co8er as the remains of :ntonin
Scalia rain down upon us like a cold shower in 7anuary. Hey, dammit3waitA *@S &+*
S6PP+S#D *+ ):& & :AUA2-5
So the panic builds. *he media can turn and look the other way if they want, and the
pundits can keep tryin. to sell their lies by repeatin. them so often that they start seemin.
true. /ut we millions of :mericans aren@t .oin. to fall for the deception. *he stock market
isn@t Eust .oin. throu.h a Bnatural cycle.C *here@s nothin. beneficial about B.enetically
enhanced beef.C *he bank doesn@t want to Bwork with youC to help you catch up. :nd the
cable .uy isn@t comin. Bbetween > :.M. and $ PM.C3or any other time, for that matter.
t@s all a bunch of hooey, from top to bottom, and as soon as they reco.niKe we@re onto
them, the sooner we@ll .et our country back.
*oday took my year,old car, with less than 2,""" miles on it, into the repair shop at the
dealership where bou.ht it. 5hyD Seems that e8ery other time .o to start the car, it
won@t start. @8e replaced the starter, the battery, the fuse, the computer chip. /ut none of
that has sol8ed the problem.
5hen told the ser8ice mana.er all this, he looked at me with a witherin.ly 8acant
stare. B+h, these new /eetles3they don@t start unless you dri8e them e8ery day.C
thou.ht for sure must ha8e heard him wron.3after all, he was speakin. perfect
#n.lish. So asked him a.ain what the problem was.
B'ou see,C he said, shakin. his head in pity, Bthese ;5s are run by a computer system,
and if the computer hasn@t read any acti8ity3namely, you turnin. it on and dri8in. it e8ery
day or so3then the computer assumes the battery is dead or somethin., and Eust shuts
down the whole car. s there any way you or someone you know can .o down to the .ara.e
and start it once a dayDC
didn@t know what to say. Bf you don@t start the car e8ery day, it will dieC3what is
this, !1"!D :m bein. arro.ant to e9pect that a car spent M(",""" on is supposed to start
#henever ( p"t the !ey in the ignition; *here aren@t many sure thin.s left in the
world these days: the sun still sets in the west, the Pope still says Midni.ht Mass on
Christmas #8e, Strom *hurmond still comes back to life whene8er there@s an e9,First -ady
around to .rope. would ha8e thou.ht could clin. to at least this one last article of faith:
a brand<ne# car al#ays starts6period5
B-ike ninety,fi8e percent of the customers you@8e sold these new /eetles to,C said, B
li8e in Manhattan. Do you know anybody in Manhattan who dri8es their car e8ery dayDC
B'es, sir, we understand. &obody in the city dri8es a car e8ery day. *hey use the
subwaysA don@t know why they e8en sell these cars in the city. t@s really a shame. Ha8e
you tried writin. to ;olkswa.enD s there a kid on your block you can .et to start it for a
few minutes e8ery day or soDC
So @m stuck with a car that doesn@t run, in a country where nothin. works, e8erythin.
sucks, and it@s e8ery man, woman, and state,tested child for themsel8es. Sur8i8al of the
richest3no more lifeboats for you, or you, or youA
*here@s .ot to be a better way...
Stupid White Men
ONE
2 3ery 2'erican .oup
*H# F+--+5&4 M#SS:4# 5:S &*#)C#P*#D /' 6.&. F+)C#S +& 1N!N"!,
:* "0"" H+6)S, F)+M S+M#5H#)# 5*H& *H# &+)*H :M#)C:&
C+&*&#&*
am a citiKen of the 6nited States of :merica. +ur .o8ernment has been o8erthrown.
+ur elected President has been e9iled. +ld white men wieldin. martinis and wearin.
dickies ha8e occupied our nation@s capital.
5e are under sie.e. 5e are the 6nited States 4o8ernment in,#9ile.
+ur numbers are not insi.nificant. *here are o8er !$2 million adults amon. us, and >"
million children, *hat@s (%2 million people who did not 8ote for, and are not represented by,
the re.ime that has placed itself in power.
:l 4ore is the elected President of the 6nited States. He recei8ed $%1,>1> more 8otes
than 4eor.e 5. /ush. /ut he does not sit toni.ht in the +8al +ffice. nstead our elected
President roams the country without purpose or mission, surfacin. only to lecture colle.e
students and replenish his stash of -ittle Debbie@s Snack Cakes.
:l 4ore won. :l 4ore, President,in,#9ile. -on. li8e #l Presidente :lbertooooooo
4orrrrrrrrrrreA
So who, then, is the man that now occupies !0"" Pennsyl8ania :8enueD @ll tell you
who:
He is 4eor.e 5 /ush, BPresidentC of the 6nited States. *he *hief,in,Chief.
t used to be that politicians would wait until they were in office before they became
crooks. *his one came prepacka.ed. &ow he is a trespasser on federal land) a sIuatter in
the +8al +ffice. f told you this was 4uatemala, you@d belie8e it in a heartbeat, no matter
what your political stripe. /ut because this coup was wrapped in an :merican fla.,
deli8ered in your choice of red, white, or blue, those responsible belie8e they@re .oin. to
.et away with it.
*hat@s why, on behalf of (%2 million :mericans held hosta.e, ha8e reIuested that
&:*+ do what it did in /osnia and =oso8o, what :merica did in Haiti, what -ee Mar8in
did in 0he .irty .o9en=
Send in the MarinesA -aunch the SC6D missilesA /rin. us the head of :ntonin ScaliaA
ha8e sent a personal reIuest to 6.&. Secretary 4eneral =ofi :nnan to hear our plea.
5e are no lon.er able to .o8ern oursel8es or to hold free and fair elections. 5e need 6.&.
obser8ers, 6.&. troops, 6.&. resolutionsA
Dammit, we need 7immy CarterA
5e are now finally no better than a backwater banana republic. 5e are askin. oursel8es
why any of us should bother to .et up in the mornin. to work our asses off to produce
.oods and ser8ices that only ser8e to make the Eunta and its cohorts in Corporate :merica
Ga separate, autonomous fiefdom within the 6nited States that has been allowed to run on
its own for some timeH e8en richer. 5hy should we pay our ta9es to finance their coupD
Can we e8er a.ain send our sons off into battle to .i8e their li8es defendin. Bour way of
lifeB3when all that really means is the lifestyle of the .ray old men holed up in the
headIuarters they seiKed by the PotomacD
1h :es"sMaryAnd:oseph) ( can7t ta!e it5 Somebody pass me the
"niversal remote5 ( need to s#itch bac! to the fairy tale that ( #as a citi9en
in a democracy #ith an inalienable right to life) liberty) and the p"rs"it of
'appy Meals. 0he story ( #as told as a child said that ( mattered) that (
#as e%"al to every one of my fello# citi9ens6and that not a single one of "s
#as to he treated differently or "nfairly) that no one #as to #ield po#er
over others #itho"t their consent. 0he #ill of the people. America the
>ea"tif"l. 3and that ( love. 0#ilight7s ... last ... gleaming. 1h) say) can yo"
see6are the >elgian peace!eepers on their #ay; '"rry5
*he coup be.an lon. before the shenani.ans on #lection Day (""". n the summer of
!111 =atherine Harris, an honorary Stupid 5hite Man who was both 4eor.e 5. /ush@s
presidential campai.n cochairwoman and the Florida secretary of state in char.e of
elections, paid M2 million to Database *echnolo.ies to .o throu.h Florida@s 8oter rolls and
remo8e anyone BsuspectedC of bein. a former felon. She did so 5ith the blessin. of the
.o8ernor of Florida, 4eor.e 5s brother 7eb /ush3whose own wife was cau.ht by
immi.ration officials tryin. to sneak M!1,""" worth of Eewelry into the country without
declarin. and payin. ta9 on it ... a felony in its own ri.ht. /ut hey, this is :merica. 5e
don@t prosecute felons if they@re rich or married to a .o8ernin. /ush.
*he law states that e9,felons cannot 8ote in Florida. :nd sadly Gthou.h @m confident
that Florida@s Eustice system was always unimpeachably fairH, that means %! percent of all
black men in Florida are prohibited from 8otin. because they ha8e a felony on their record.
Harris and /ush knew that remo8in. the names of e9,felons from the 8oter rolls would
keep thousands of black citiKens out of the 8otin. booth.
/lack Floridians, o8erwhelmin.ly, are Democrats3and sure enou.h, :l 4ore recei8ed
the 8otes of more than 1" percent of them on &o8ember <, (""".
*hat is, 1" percent of those who were allo#ed to 8ote.
n what appears to be a mass fraud committed by the state of Florida, /ush, Harris, and
company not only remo8ed thousands of black felons from the rolls, they also remo8ed
thousands of black citiKens #ho had never committed a crime in their li8es3alon.
with thousands of eli.ible 8oters who had committed only misdemeanors.
How did this happenD Harris@s office told Database3a firm with stron. )epublican ties
3to cast as wide a net as possible to .et rid of these 8oters. Her minions instructed the
company to include e8en people with BsimilarC names to those of the actual felons. *hey
insisted Database check people with the same birth dates as known felons, or similar Social
Security numbersJ an >" percent match of rele8ant information, the election office
instructed, was sufficient for Database to add a 8oter to the ineli.ible list.
*hese orders were shockin., e8en to /ush,friendly Database. *hey would mean that
thousands of le.itimate 8oters mi.ht be barred from 8otin. on #lection Day Eust because
they had a name that sounded like someone else@s, or shared a birthday with some unknown
bank robber. Marlene *horo.ood, the Database proEect mana.er, sent an #,mail to #mmett
B/uckyC Mitchell, a lawyer for =atherine Harris@s election di8ision, warnin. him that
B6nfortunately, pro.rammin. in this fashion may supply you with false positi8es,C or
misidentifications.
&e8er mind that, said ol@ /ucky. His response: B+b8iously, we want to capture more
names that possibly aren@t matches and let Ocounty electionP super8isors make a final
determination rather than e9clude certain matches alto.ether.C
Database did as they were told. :nd before lon. !<%,""" re.istered 8oters in Florida
were permanently wiped off the 8oter rolls. n Miami,Dade, Florida@s lar.est county, 00
percent of the 8oters who were remo8ed were black. n *ampa@s county, $2 percent of those
who would be denied the ri.ht to 8ote on &o8ember <, (""", were black.
/ut cullin. names from Florida@s records alone was not enou.h for Harris and her
department. #i.ht thousand additional Floridians were thrown off the 8otin. rolls because
Database used a false list supplied by another state, a state which claimed that all the names
on the list were former con8icted felons who had since mo8ed to Florida,
t turns out that the felons on the list had ser8ed their time and had all their 8otin.
pri8ile.es reinstated. :nd there were others on the list who had committed only
misdemeanors3such as parkin. 8iolations or litterin.. 5hat state was it that offered 7eb
and 4eor.e a helpin. hand by sendin. this bo.us list to FloridaD
*e9as.
*his entire incident stunk to the hi.h hea8ens, but the :merican media i.nored it. t
took the /ritish /roadcastin. Corporation to di. deep into this story, runnin. fifteen,minute
se.ments on its prime,time news pro.ram re8ealin. all the sordid details and layin.
responsibility for the scam ri.ht at the doorstep of 4o8ernor 7eb /ush. t@s a sad day when
we ha8e to look to a country $,""" miles away to find out the truth about our own elections.
G#8entually the 3os Angeles 0imes and the ?ashington Post picked up the story, but
it recei8ed little attention.H
*his assault on the 8otin. ri.hts of minorities was so widespread in Florida that it e8en
affected people like -inda Howell. -inda recei8ed a letter informin. her that she was a
felon3and therefore ad8isin. her not to bother showin. up on #lection Day, because she
would be barred from 8otin.. *he only problem was, -inda Howell wasn@t a felon3in fact,
she was the elections super8isor of Madison County, FloridaA She and other local election
officials tried to .et the state to rectify the problem, but their pleas fell on deaf ears. *hey
were told that e8eryone who complained about bein. pre8ented from 8otin. should submit
themsel8es for fin.erprintin.3and then let the state determine whether or not they were
felons.
+n &o8ember <, (""", as black Floridians flocked to the polls in record numbers, many
were met at the ballot bo9es with a blunt rebuke: B'ou cannot 8ote.C n a number of
precincts in Florida@s inner cities, the pollin. locations were hea8ily fortified with police to
block anyone on =atherine and 7eb@s Bfelons listC from 8otin.. Hundreds of law,abidin.
citiKens lookin. to e9ercise their constitutional ri.ht to 8ote, mostly in black and Hispanic
communities, were sent away3and threatened with arrest if they protested.
4eor.e 5. /ush would officially be credited with recei8in. $%< more 8otes than :l
4ore in Florida. s it safe to assume that the thousands of re.istered black and Hispanic
8oters barred from the polls mi.ht ha8e made the difference if they had been allowed to
8ote3and cost /ush the electionD 5ithout a doubt.
+n election ni.ht, after the polls closed, there was much confusion o8er what was
happenin. with the countin. of the 8otes in Florida. Finally a decision was made by the
man in char.e of the election ni.ht desk for the Fo9 &ews Channel. He decided that Fo9
should .o on the air and declare that /ush had won Florida and thus the election. :nd that@s
what happened. Fo9 formally declared /ush the winner.
/ut down in *allahassee, the countin. of the 8otes had not yet been completedJ in fact,
the :ssociated Press insisted it was still too close to call, and refused to follow Fo9@s lead.
&ot so the other networks. *hey ran like lemmin.s after Fo9 made the call, afraid that
they would be seen as slow or out of the loop3e8en thou.h their own news reporters on
the .round were insistin. that it was too early to call the election. /ut who needs reporters
when you@re playin. follow the leader3the leader, in this case, bein. 7ohn #llis, the man in
char.e of Fo9@s election co8era.e. 5ho is 7ohn #llisD
He@s a first cousin of 4eor.e 5. and 7eb /ush.
+nce #llis made the call and e8eryone followed suit, there was no .oin. back3and
nothin. was more psycholo.ically de8astatin. for 4ore@s chances of winnin. than the
sudden perception that H# was bein. the spoiler by askin. for recounts, withdrawin. his
concession of defeat, tyin. up the courts with lawyers and lawsuits. *he truth is that durin.
all of this, 4ore actually was ahead3he had the most 8otes3but that was never how the
news media played it.
*he one moment from that election ni.ht will ne8er for.et came earlier in the e8enin.,
after the networks had first correctly,proEected the state of Florida for 4ore. *he cameras
cut to a hotel room in *e9as. *here sat 4eor.e 5 with his father, the former President, and
his mother, /arbara. *he old man appeared cool as a cucumber, e8en thou.h it looked like
curtains for Sonny. : reporter asked youn. /ush what he thou.ht about the outcome.
B@m not ... concedin. anythin. in Florida,C 7unior piped up, semicoherently. B know
you@8e all the proEections, but people are actually countin. the 8otes.... *he networks called
this thin. awfully earlier and people are actually countin. the 8otes ha8e different
perspecti8e so...C t was an odd moment in that craKy ni.ht of election result co8era.e. *he
/ushes, with their rela9ed smiles, looked like a family of cats that had Eust wolfed down a
bunch of canaries3as if they knew somethin. we didn@t.
*hey did. *hey knew 7eb and =atherine had done their Eob months earlier. *hey knew
cousin 7ohn was holdin. down the fort at Fo9 election central. :nd if all else failed, there
was always that team Poppy could count on: the 6nited States Supreme Court.
:s we all know, that@s e9actly what happened for the ne9t thirty,si9 days. *he forces of
the #mpire struck back, and they did so without mercy. 5hile 4ore was stupidly
concentratin. on .ettin. recounts in a few counties, the /ush team was .oin. after the holy
.rail3the o8erseas absentee ballots. Many of these ballots would come from the military,
which typically 8otes )epublican, and would finally .i8e /ush the lead that denyin. the
8ote to thousands of blacks and 7ewish .randmothers hadn@t.
4ore knew this, and tried to make sure the ballots underwent ma9imum scrutiny before
they could be counted. Sure, this ran contrary to the Blet e8ery 8ote be countedC plea he@d
made when callin. for recounts. /ut he also had Florida law, which is pretty clear about
this, on his side. t states that o8erseas absentee ballots can only be counted if they were
cast and si.ned on or before election day, and mailed and postmarked from another country
by election day.
/ut while 7im /aker was chantin. his mantra3Bt is not fair to chan.e the rules and
standards .o8ernin. the countin. or recountin. of 8otes after it appears that one side has
concluded that is the only way to .et the 8otes it needsC3he and his operati8es were doin.
Eust that.
: 7uly (""! in8esti.ation by the e# -or! 0imes showed that of the (,21" o8erseas
ballots that ended up bein. included in the certified election results, 0>" were considered
flawed and Iuestionable. /ush .ot the o8erseas 8ote by a ratio, of 2 to $. /y that
percenta.e, $22 of the 8otes that went to /ush should ha8e been thrown out. 4ot the mathD
Suddenly /ush@s Bwinnin. mar.inC of $%< 8otes is down to a chilly ne.ati8e <.
So how did all these 8otes end up bein. counted for /ushD 5ithin hours of the election,
the /ush campai.n had launched their attack. *he first step was to make sure that as many
ballots .ot in as possible. )epublican operati8es sent out frantic #,mails to na8y ships
askin. them to di. up any ballots that mi.ht be han.in. around. *hey e8en put in a call to
Clinton Defense Secretary 5illiam S. Cohen Ga )epublicanH to ask him to put pressure on
the military outposts. He declined, but it didn@t matter: thousands of 8otes poured in3e8en
some that were si.ned after election day.
&ow all they had to do was make sure that as many of these 8otes as possible went to 5
:nd so the real thie8ery be.an.
:ccordin. to the *imes, =atherine Harris had planned to send out a memo to her
can8assin. boards clarifyin. the procedure for countin. o8erseas ballots. ncluded in this
memo was a reminder that state law reIuired all ballots to ha8e been Bpostmarked or si.ned
and datedC by election day. 5hen it was clear that 4eor.e@s lead was rapidly shrinkin., she
decided not to send the memo. nstead she sent out a note that said ballots Bare not reIuired
to be postmarked on or prior toC election day. Hmmm.
5hat caused her to chan.e her mind3and the lawD 5e may ne8er know, since the
computer records that showed what happened ha8e been mysteriously erased3a possible
8iolation of Florida@s Sunshine -aws. &ow, lon. after the horse has left the barn, Harris has
turned o8er her hard dri8es to the media for inspection3but only after her own computer
consultant Blooked them o8er.C *his is a woman who is now plannin. to run for Con.ress.
Can these people .et any more shamelessD
:rmed with the blessin. of the secretary of state, the )epublicans launched an all,out
campai.n to make sure as broad a standard as possible was used in countin. these absentee
ballots. B#Iual representation,C Florida style, meant that the rules .o8ernin. acceptance or
denial of your absentee ballot depended on what county you were from. Perhaps that would
e9plain why in counties where 4ore won, only ( out of !" absentee ballots with unclear
postmarks were countedJ in /ush counties, predictably, 0 out of !" such ballots made it into
the final tally.
5hen the Democrats complained that ballots that didn@t follow the rules shouldn@t be
counted, the )epublicans launched a fierce public relations campai.n to make it look as if
the Democrats were tryin. to screw the men and women who were riskin. their li8es for
our country. : )epublican city council member from &aples was typical in his hyperbole:
Bf they catch a bullet, or fra.ment from a terrorist bomb, that fra.ment does not ha8e any
postmark or re.istration of any kind.C )epublican Con.ressman Ste8e /uyer from ndiana
e8en obtained Gpossibly ille.allyH the phone numbers and #,mail addresses of military
personnel so that he could .ather tales of ballot,denial woe to .arner sympathy for Bour
fi.htin. men and women.C #8en Stormin@ &orman SchwarKkopf wei.hed in with the
reflection that Bit@s a 8ery sad day in our countryC when Democrats start harassin. military
8oters.
:ll the pressure worked on the wimpy, spineless Democrats. *hey choked. 5hile
appearin. on Meet the Press) 8ice presidential candidate 7oe -ieberman ar.ued that the
Democrats should stop creatin. a fuss and not be bothered that hundreds of military ballots
were bein. counted, Eust because they weren@t Bpostmarked.C
-ieberman, like so many others amon. this new breed of Democrats, should ha8e
fou.ht for principle instead of worryin. about ima.e. 5hyD 5ell, as the e# -or!
0imes found out:
Q %22 ballots had no e8idence that they were cast on or before #lection Day
Q !>% ballots were postmarked in the 6nited States
Q 10 ballots lacked appropriate witness information
Q !01 ballots came from unre.istered 8oters, had en8elopes that weren@t si.ned
properly, or came from people who hadn@t reIuested a ballot
Q $ ballots came after the &o8ember !< deadline
Q !1 o8erseas 8oters 8oted on two ballots3and had both counted
:ll of these ballots 8iolated Florida law, yet they all were counted. Can say this any
louderD >"sh didn7t #in5 4ore did. t has nothin. to do with chads, or e8en the blatant
repression of Florida@s :ftican,:merican community and their ri.ht to 8ote. t was a simple
matter of breakin. the law, all documented, all the e8idence sittin. there in *allahassee,
clearly marked without Iuestion3and all done purposefully to throw the election to /ush.
+n the mornin. of Saturday, December 1, (""", the Supreme Court .ot word that the
recounts in Florida, in spite of e8erythin. the /ush camp had done to fi9 the elections, were
.oin. in fa8or of :l 4ore. /y ( Pm., the unofficial tally showed that 4ore was catchin. up
to /ush3Bonly 00 8otes down, and .ainin.AC as one breathless newscaster put it. t was
critical to /ush that the words B:l 4ore is in the leadC ne8er be heard on :merican
tele8ision: 5ith only moments to spare, they did what they had to do. :t (:2$ that
afternoon, the Supreme Court stopped the recount.
+n the Court sat )ea.an appointee Sandra Day +@Connor and &i9on appointee Chief
7ustice 5illiam )ehnIuist. /oth in their se8enties, they were hopin. to retire under a
)epublican administration so that their replacements would share their conser8ati8e
ideolo.y. +n election ni.ht, +@Connor was heard lamentin. at a party in 4eor.etown that
she couldn@t hold out another four3or ei.ht3years. 7unior /ush was their only hope for
securin. a contented retirement in their home state of :riKona.
Meanwhile, two other Eustices with e9tremist ri.ht,win. 8iewpoints found themsel8es
with a conflict of interest. Eustice Clarence *homas@s wife, ;ir.inia -amp *homas, worked
at the Herita.e Foundation, a leadin. conser8ati8e think tank in D.C.J now, she has Eust
been hired by 4eor.e 5. /ush to help recruit people to ser8e in his impendin.
administration. :nd #u.ene Scalia, the son of Eustice :ntonin Scalia, was a lawyer with the
firm of 4ibson, Dunn R Crutcher3the 8ery law firm representin. /ush before the
Supreme CourtA
/ut neither *homas nor Scalia saw any conflict of interest, and they refused to remo8e
themsel8es from the case. n fact, when the Court con8ened later, it was Scalia who issued
the now,infamous e9planation of why the ballot,countin. had to be halted: B*he countin.
of 8otes that are of Iuestionable le.ality does, in my 8iew, threaten irreparable harm to
petitioner O/ushP, and to the country, by castin. a cloud upon what he O/ushP claims to be
the le.itimacy of his election.C n other words, if we let all the 8otes be counted and they
come out in 4ore@s fa8or, and 4ore wins, well, that will impair /ush@s ability to .o8ern
once we install him as BPresident.C
*rue enou.h: if the ballots pro8ed that 4ore had won3which they e8entually would3
then .uess that would tend to dampen the country@s feelin.s of le.itimacy about a /ush
presidency.
n their decision, the Court used the eIual protection clause of the Fourteenth
:mendment3the same amendment they@8e loudly disclaimed when used by blacks o8er
the years to halt discrimination based on race3to Eustify the theft. /ecause of the 8ariation
in the recount methods, they ar.ued, 8oters in each district weren@t bein. treated eIually,
and therefore their ri.hts were bein. 8iolated. GFunny, but only the dissenters on the court
mentioned that the antiIuated 8otin. eIuipment found disproportionately in poor and
minority Florida nei.hborhoods had created an entirely different3and far more disturbin.
3 3ineIuality in the system.H
#8entually the press .ot around to conductin. their own recounts of the 8otes, doin.
their best to spin the Eumbled ball of public confusion into orbit. *he headline in the
Miami 'erald read: B)e8iew of ballots finds /ush@s win would ha8e endured manual
recount.C /ut if you read the entire story, buried deep inside was this para.raph: B/ush@s
lead would ha8e 8anished if the recount had been conducted under the se8erely restricti8e
standards that some )epublicans ad8ocated.... *he re8iew found that the result would ha8e
been different if e8ery can8assin. board in e8ery county had e9amined e8ery under8ote ...
O6nderP the most incl"sive standard Othat is, a standard that sou.ht to include the true
will of :-- the peopleP 4ore would ha8e won by %1% 8otes.... +n ballots that Osu..estedP a
fault with either the machine or the 8oter@s ability to use it ... 4ore would ha8e won by (11
8otes.C
did not 8ote for :l 4ore, but think any fair person would conclude that the will of
the people in Florida clearly went his way. 5hether it was the countin. debacle or the
e9clusion of thousands of black citiKens that corrupted the results, there is little doubt that
4ore was the people@s choice.
*here was perhaps no worse e9ample of the wholesale denial of the ri.ht of each 8oter
to ha8e his 8ote properly counted than in Palm /each County. Much has been made of the
Bbutterfly ballot,C which made it easy to 8ote for the wron. person because candidates@
names and punch holes were crammed une8enly onto facin. pa.es. *he media went out of
its way to point out that the ballot was desi.ned by one of the county@s election
commissioners, a Democrat, and then appro8ed by the maEority,Democrat local board.
5hat ri.ht did 4ore ha8e to complain if his own party was responsible for the faulty desi.n
of the ballotD
Had anyone bothered to check, they would ha8e disco8ered that one of the two
BDemocratsC on the committee3the ballot@s desi.ner, *heresa -ePore3had actually been
a re.istered )epublican. She switched her affiliation to Democrat in !110J then, Eust three
months after /ush seiKed office, she resi.ned as a Democrat and switched her 8oter
re.istration to ndependent. &o one in the press bothered to Iuestion what was really .oin.
on.
*hus, the Palm >each Post estimates that more than %,""" 8oters, mostly elderly
and 7ewish, who thou.ht they were 8otin. for :l 4ore ended up punchin. the wron. hole
3for Pat /uchanan. #8en /uchanan went on *; to declare that no way in hell did those
7ewish 8oters 8ote for him.
+n 7anuary ( ", ( ""!, 4eor.e 5. /ush, positioned with his Eunta on the Capitol steps,
stood in front of Chief 7ustice )ehnIuist and took the oath that Presidents take at their
inau.urations. : cold and steady rain fell o8er 5ashin.ton throu.hout the day. Dark clouds
obscured the sun, and the parade route, usually Eammed with tens of thousands of citiKens
all the way to the 5hite House, was eerily bare.
#9cept for the (",""" protesters who Eeered /ush e8ery inch of the way. Holdin. si.ns
denouncin. /ush for stealin. the election, the rain,soaked demonstrators were the
conscience of the nation. /ush@s limousine could not a8oid them. nstead of cheerin.
crowds of supporters, he was .reeted by .ood people mo8ed to remind this ille.itimate
ruler that he did not win the election and that the people would ne8er for.et.
:t the traditional point where Presidents since 7immy Carter ha8e stopped their limos
and emer.ed to walk the last four blocks Gas a reminder that we are a nation ruled not by
kin.s but by, uh, eIualsH, /ush@s triple,armored black car with its dark,tinted windows3
fa8ored by mobsters e8erywhere3came to an abrupt halt. *he crowd .rew louder3BH:-
*+ *H# *H#FAC 'ou could see the Secret Ser8ice and /ush@s ad8isers huddlin. in the
freeKin. rain, tryin. to fi.ure out what to do. f /ush .ot out and walked, he would be
booed, shouted down, and pelted with e..s the rest of the way. *he limousine sat there for
what must ha8e been fi8e minutes. *he rain poured. #..s and tomatoes hit the car. *he
protesters dared /ush to step out and face them.
*hen, suddenly, the President@s car bolted and tore down the street. *he decision had
been made3hit the .as and .et past this rabble as Iuickly as possible. *he Secret Ser8ice
a.ents runnin. beside the limo were left behind, the car@s tires splashin. dirty rain from the
street onto the men who were there to protect its passen.er. t mi.ht ha8e been the finest
thin. ha8e e8er witnessed in 5ashin.ton, D.C.3a pretender to the :merican throne
forced to turn tail and run from thousands of :merican citiKens armed only with the *ruth
and the in.redients of a decent omelet.
+nce the :merican -ie put the pedal to the metal, it ran for co8er to the bulletproof
re8iewin. stand in front of the 5hite House. Many of /ush@s family and in8ited .uests had
already left to .et dry. /ut 4eor.e stood there and wa8ed proudly at the marchin. bands,
their instruments disabled by the rain, the lon. parade of floats wilted and crumbled by the
time they arri8ed at the !0"" block of Pennsyl8ania :8enue. #8ery so often a lucky
con8ertible passed by, carryin. the few dampened celebrities /ush had con8inced to honor
him3=elsey 4rammer, Drew Carey, Chuck &orris. /y parade@s end /ush stood alone in
the stands, drenched, e8en his parents ha8in. deserted him for shelter. t was a pathetic
si.ht3the poor little rich boy who came in second showin. up to claim his priKe, with no
one there to cheer him on.
Sadder still were the !$2 million of us who had not 8oted for him. n a nation of (""
million 8oters, would say we constitute the maEority.
:nd yet what could 4eor.e 5. ha8e been thinkin., other than B5hat, me worryDC
*here were plenty of hired hands to be installed in the 5hite House, pullin. the strin.s for
their puppet President. 5ith Daddy@s old buddies called back to D.C. to lend a hand,
4eor.ie could sit back and tell the public he was Bdele.atin..C *he puppetmasters mo8ed
in, and the business of runnin. the world could easily be left to them.
:nd who are these fine, patriotic pillars of the /ush EuntaD *hey represent the modest
and selfless ranks of corporate :merica, and they are listed below, for easy reference, to
help the 6nited &ations and &:*+ forces round them up when they arri8e to restore order
and democracy. 4rateful citiKens will line the boule8ards and a8enues and cheer their
arri8al.
Personally, will settle for nothin. less than multiple show trials and their immediate
deportation to a real banana republic. 4od /less :mericaA
Who&s Who in the .oup
2ctin) 4resident/53ice 4resident678ic9 .heney
@m not sure yet where the BcompassionateC part of Bcompassionate conser8atismC
comes from, but do know where the conser8atism resides. For si9 terms Dick Cheney was
a con.ressman representin. 5yomin., and he had one of the most conser8ati8e 8otin.
records of all 2%$ members of Con.ress. Cheney 8oted a.ainst the #Iual )i.hts
:mendment, a.ainst fundin. the Head Start pro.ram, a.ainst a House resolution callin. for
South :frica to release &elson Mandela from prison, and a.ainst federal fundin. for
abortions even in cases of rape or incest. :nd his record doesn@t stop there. Cheney
has had his hand in all of the recent )epublican administrations, includin. that of )ichard
&i9on, when he was deputy 5hite House counsel under Don B)ummyC )umsfeld. He
replaced )umsfeld as President Ford@s chief of staff. 6nder 4eor.e /ush , Cheney was
defense secretary, leadin. the country in two of the lar.est military campai.ns in recent
history: the in8asion of Panama and the war a.ainst raI.
n between /ush re.imes, Cheney was C#+ of Halliburton ndustries, an oil ser8ices
company that has dealin.s with repressi8e .o8ernments like /urma and raI. Durin. the
(""" campai.n, Cheney denied that Halliburton had a business relationship with Saddam
Hussein. *hen, in 7une (""!, the ?ashington Post re8ealed that in fact two Halliburton
subsidiaries #ere doin. business with raI. Can you ima.ine the field day )epublicans
would ha8e had if they@d e8er disco8ered such a thin. about Clinton or 4oreD :nd :laska
isn@t the only place Cheney has su..ested we di. up: Halliburton has a maEor construction
deal in the de8elopment of Me9ico@s Cantarell offshore oil fields in the 4ulf of Me9ico.
5hen nominated for the 8ice presidency, Cheney hemmed and hawed about di8estin.
himself of his Halliburton stock. .uess he knew that .ood times were still to come.
2ttorney :enera;7<ohn 2shcroft
*he man in char.e of o8erseein. our Eustice system is a man who has opposed all
abortion, e8en in cases of rape or incestJ who is a.ainst pro8idin. Eob discrimination
protection for homose9ualsJ who 8oted to limit the death penalty appeals process Gand then
o8ersaw se8en e9ecutions as .o8ernorHJ and who has been a staunch supporter of out,of,
control, o8er,the,top dru. laws. Perhaps this record could e9plain why he lost his Senate
reelection bid a.ainst a dead man. For his efforts, howe8er, :shcroft recei8ed substantial
donations from :*R*, #nterprise )ent,:,Car, and Monsanto. *he Scherin.,Plou.h
pharmaceutical company contributed M$",""",perhaps as a thank,you for the bill he had
introduced that would ha8e e9tended the company@s patent on the aller.y pill Claritin. G*he
bill ultimately failed.H :ll this pharmaceutical fundin. may also e9plain why :shcroft has
8oted a.ainst includin. prescription dru.s under the Medicare pro.ram. :nother campai.n
contributor, Microsoft, .a8e :shcroft M!",""" throu.h his Eoint fund raisin. committee
with the &ational )epublican Senatorial Committee. -ucky for them he lost the Senate
race, so that he can turn his full attention to runnin. the 7ustice Department3or, that is,
standin. back while the software .iant, newly freed of the court rulin. that would ha8e split
the company in two, is allowed to run amok under his watchful eye.
:shcroft is also to the ri.ht Gif such a thin. is possibleH of the &ational )ifle
:ssociation when it comes to .un control. His first pro,.un act as attorney .eneral was to
announce that #ithin t#enty<fo"r ho"rs of a p"rchase and bac!gro"nd chec!) all
back.roundcheck files on persons who purchase .uns will be destroyed by the 7ustice
Department Glea8in. the .o8ernment with &+ record of who has a .un or what kind of .un
they ha8eH.
Secretary of the /reasury74au; O&Nei;;
*his champion of the abolition of corporate ta9es ser8ed as president and C#+ of
:lcoa, the world@s lar.est aluminum manufacturer Gand one of the bi..est polluters in
*e9asH before Eoinin. the /ush administration. :lcoa no lon.er has its own Political :ction
Committee GP:CH but instead does its lobbyin. throu.h the law firm of ;inson R #lkins.
*hat firm, the third lar.est contributor to /ush@s campai.n, was able to work a loophole
into *e9as en8ironmental re.ulations that allowed :lcoa to emit 0",""" tons of sulfur
dio9ide each year. :lcoa has also been a bi. contributor to +@&eill@s pockets. +@&eill
recently sold off his shares in :lcoa3which make up a lar.e portion of his M0( million in
assets3but did so only be.rud.in.ly and 8ery slowly, first watchin. them rise %" percent
durin. his time in office. :s *reasury chief, +@&eill has said that Social Security and
Medicare are not necessary. Perhaps that@s because he recei8es an annual pension from
:lcoa of M1(0,""".
Secretary of 2)ricu;ture72nn 3ene'an
-ike many in the /ush cabinet, :.riculture Secretary :nn ;eneman has a lon. career
within )epublican administrations. She worked for both )onald )ea.an and Poppy /ush
and then ser8ed as director of California@s Food and :.riculture Department under
4o8ernor Pete 5ilson. n California she encoura.ed policies that ha8e helped .iant
corporate farms sIueeKe out family,owned farms3so that now, for e9ample, a mere four
companies process >" percent of :merican,produced beef. +ne of the least wealthy of the
cabinet members Gworth a mere M0>","""H, ;eneman supplemented her income by ser8in.
on the board of Cal.ene3the first company to market .enetically en.ineered foods to
stores. Cal.ene was bou.ht out by Monsanto, the nation@s leadin. biotech company.
Monsanto was then bou.ht by Pharmacia. Monsanto, which .a8e M!(,""" to /ush@s
presidential campai.n, is tryin. to block le.islation that would reIuire food labels to
identify biotech in.redients. ;enenian has also ser8ed on the nternational Policy Council
on :.riculture, Food and *rade, a .roup funded by maEor food manufacturers such as
&estlS and :rcher Daniels Midland.
Secretary of .o''erce78on E=ans
/efore comin. to the /ush administration, #8ans was chairman and C#+ of *om
/rown, nc., a M!.( billion oil and .as company. #8ans also sat on the board of
*M/)NSharp Drillin.. :s finance chair for /ush@s campai.n, he set a fund,raisin. record
of more than M!1" million. *he &ational +ceanic and :tmospheric :dministration3which
controls the country@s coastlines3falls within this oilman@s domain.
Secretary of 8efense78on 1u'sfe;d
Don )umsfeld is an old,school )epublican hawk. He was 5hite House counsel to
)ichard &i9on, where he worked alon.side Dick Cheney. 5hile ser8in. as President Ford@s
secretary of defense and then as Ford@s chief of staff, )umsfeld was able, almost sin.le,
handedly, to kill the S:-* treaty with the So8iet 6nion. He has consistently opposed any
arms control, callin. the :/M treaty Bancient historyC durin. his (""! confirmation
hearin.. : lon.time supporter of BStar 5arsC defense schemes, )umsfeld o8ersaw a !11>
commission that measured the ballistic missile threat to the 6nited States. )umsfeld, aka
Chicken -ittle, claimed that the 6nited States would feel such threats from ro.ue nations
within fi8e years Ghalf the amount of time the C: predictedH. 5hen not pushin. /,!
bombs or M? missiles, )umsfeld has been C#+ of the 4. D. Searle pharmaceutical
company Gnow owned by PharmaciaH and 4eneral nstrument Gnow owned by MotorolaH.
/efore Eoinin. the /ush administration, he sat on se8eral boards, includin. =ello..@s,
Sears, :llstate, and the *ribune Company Gwhich publishes the Chicago 0rib"ne and
-os Angeles 0imes and owns a chain of *; stations, includin. &ew 'ork@s Channel !!H.
Secretary of Ener)y7Spencer 2-raha'
:s a senator from Michi.an, :braham had such a stron. antien8ironment record that
the -ea.ue of Conser8ation ;oters .a8e him a Kero ratin.. He opposed research into
renewable ener.y, wanted to repeal the federal .as ta9, and thou.ht oil drillin. in :laska
was a .ood idea. Perhaps that@s why he 8oted in (""" to abolish the department he now
leads. :braham recei8ed more from the automoti8e industry3M <"","""3than any other
candidate. +ne of the lar.est contributors was DaimlerChrysler, which is part of the
Coalition for ;ehicle Choice, a trade .roup tryin. to stop an increase in fuel economy
standards. *his year DaimlerChrysler has plans to introduce a lon.er,body S6; that .ets
about !" miles per .allon. &o worries: when he was a senator, :braham also 8oted a.ainst
increasin. fuel,efficiency reIuirements for S6;s.
Secretary of 0ea;th and 0u'an Ser=ices7/o''y /ho'pson
*he man who will ha8e perhaps the .reatest role in dealin. with the tobacco industry
should ha8e no trouble bein. obEecti8e about policy. :fter all, Eust because *hompson
ser8ed on the ad8isory board of the 5ashin.ton -e.al Fund as it filed briefs on behalf of
those who would promote smokin.3or because as .o8ernor he recei8ed about M<(,""" in
campai.n contributions from Philip Morris, or because Philip Morris paid for se8eral trips
abroad that *hompson made to promote free trade3is no reason to think he won@t be able
to act impartially on this health issue. *oo bad he recently sold his Philip Morris stock for
an amount between M!$,""" and M$","""3as these should be 8ery .ood years for /i.
*obacco.
4ood times ahead for wire han.er manufacturers, too. *ommy * is what they like to
call Bpro,life,C puttin. up as many roadblocks to a women@s ri.ht to an abortion as possible.
:s .o8ernor of 5isconsin he reIuired women to seek counselin. and wait three days
before ha8in. the procedure.
Secretary of the %nterior7:a;e Norton
4ate &orton is already followin. in the footsteps of her mentor and predecessor, 7ames
5att. She started her le.al career with the Mountain States -e.al Foundation, a
conser8ati8e en8ironmental think tank funded by oil companies and founded by 5att.
5orkin. closely with this .roup, &orton helped the state of :laska challen.e an nterior
Department fisheries law. She has declared the #ndan.ered Species :ct unconstitutional
and written le.al opinions a.ainst the &ational #n8ironmental Protection :ct. :s a lawyer
with /rownstein, Hyatt R Farber, &orton represented Delta Petroleum and lobbied for &-
ndustries Gformerly known as &ational -eadH while it defended itself in lawsuits o8er
children@s e9posure to lead paint. She was also national chairwoman of the Coalition of
)epublican #n8ironmental :d8ocates, a .roup funded by Ford Motor Company and /P
:moco.
Secretary of >a-or7E;aine .hao
Chao has worked primarily in the nonprofit sector, with 6nited 5ay and the Peace
Corps, but has also sat on the boards of Dole Food, Cloro9, and health care companies C.
). /ard Gwho pleaded .uilty in the !11"s to manufacturin. faulty heart catheters and
conductin. ille.al e9periments on the de8icesH and the behemoth Hospital Corporation of
:merica GHC:H. She also sat on the board of &orthwest :irlines. She is married to
conser8ati8e Senator Mitch McConnell G),='H.
Secretary of State7.o;in 4o*e;;
5hen not fi.htin. wars, Powell sat on the boards of 4ulfstream :erospace and :+-.
4ulfstream makes Eets for both Hollywood honchos and forei.n .o8ernments like =uwait
and Saudi :rabia. Durin. his time at :+- the company mer.ed with *ime 5arner, and
Powell@s stock rose in 8alue by M2 million. :t the time, Colin@s son, Michael Powell, had
been the only Federal Communications Commission GFCCH member who ad8ocated that
the :+-N*ime 5arner mer.er .o throu.h without Iuestion. Powell@s son has since been
named chairman of the FCC by 4eor.e 5. /ushJ part of his Eob is to o8ersee the acti8ities
of :+-N*ime 5arner. He will also o8ersee any re.ulation of :"-@s monopolistic Binstant
messa.in.C technolo.y.
Secretary of /ransportation7Nor'an ?+ Mineta
: lefto8er from the Clinton administration, the only BDemocratC in /ush@s cabinet,
Mineta has his own corporate connections. 5hen he was a con.ressman representin.
Silicon ;alley, he recei8ed campai.n contributions from &orthwest :irlines, 6nited
:irlines, 4reyhound, /oein., and 6nion Pacific. :fter retirin. from the House, he went to
work at -ockheed Martin. 5hat better place to park himself now than at the cabinet
department that Bo8erseesC all of themD
White 0ouse .hief of Staff72ndre* 0+ .ard <r+
Card was 4eneral Motors@s chief lobbyist before lea8in. to work in the /ush
administration. He was also C#+ of the now,defunct :merican :utomobile Manufacturers
:ssociation, which lobbied a.ainst stricter fuel emissions standards and fou.ht o8er trade
issues with 7apan. Card testified before Con.ress on behalf of the 6.S. Chamber of
Commerce -obbyin. 4roup a.ainst the BPassen.er@s /ill of )i.hts.C He personally
contributed M!,""" each to the losin. campai.ns of 7ohn :shcroft and Spencer :braham.
8irector of the Office of Mana)e'ent and Bud)et7Mitch 8anie;s <r+
Daniels was formerly a senior 8ice president of #li -illy pharmaceuticals. n his present
position, Daniels will o8ersee the draftin. of the federal bud.et, includin. how much
money Gif anyH will be earmarked for a prescription dru. benefit for Medicare patients3a
pro8ision #li -illy and other pharmaceutical companies are lobbyin. a.ainst. Daniels also
owns stock worth between M$",""" and M!"",""" in 4#, Citi.roup, and Merck. *he
chances of this administration allowin. a prescription dru. benefit for seniors to pass in the
ne9t year are about as .ood as those of me settin. myself on fire in front of a )ite :id.
Nationa; Security 2d=iser7.ondo;ee((a 1ice
For her ser8ice on Che8ron@s board of directors, )ice had a !%",""",ton oil tanker
named after her. She was also a director at Charles Schwab and *ransamerica, and has
ser8ed as an ad8iser for 7. P. Mor.anJ she also ser8ed on /ush the #lder@s &ational Security
team.
Senior 2d=iser to the 4resident7@ar; 1o=e
: lon.time supporter and friend of /ush, )o8e was once an ad8iser to Philip Morris.
For fi8e years, while he was an ad8iser to 4o8ernor /ush, the tobacco company paid him
M%,""" a month to .et his inside opinion on what was happenin. in the elections and with
the candidates. Since )o8e took the Eob at the 5hite House, he has been under constant fire
for usin. his position to further the interests of companies in which he owns stock. )ecently
)o8e was criticiKed for holdin. meetin.s with ntel e9ecuti8es about a prospecti8e mer.er
while at the same time he held ntel stock Gpart of an o8erall portfolio 8alued at between M!
million and M(.$ millionH. *he mer.er was appro8ed two months after the meetin.s, and
)o8e sold his stock a month later.
Shado* 2d=iser to the 4resident7@enneth >+ >ay
-ay is the head of #nron, the lar.est electricity trader in the 6nited States and a top
contributor to the /ush presidential campai.n. -ay has used his close relationship with the
President to pressure the chairman of the Federal #ner.y )e.ulatory Commission to speed
up ener.y dere.ulation. -ay has apparently pro8ided /ush with a list of preferred
candidates for key commission posts. *hanks in part to the California ener.y crisis, #nron
has Iuickly .rown into a M!"" billion company. /ush and Cheney rely on -ay for ad8iceJ
some administration appointees must first be Binter8iewedC by -ay before .ettin. the Eob.
:s you can see, friends and nei.hbors, this is a re.ime that is intent on linin. its pockets
3and who won@t lea8e office without a fi.ht. t is their mission to combine their economic
and Gnewly acIuiredH political power to rule the country and help their friends .et e8en
richer alon. the way.
*hese Stupid 5hite Men must be stopped. ha8e informed =ofi :nnan of the 8arious
locations where these GmostlyH men can be found and apprehended by 6.&. troops. Mr.
:nnan, beseech you. 'ou ha8e in8aded other countries for less .rie8ous offenses. Do not
i.nore our pli.ht. 5e plead with you: Sa8e the 6nited States of :mericaA Demand that new,
clean elections be held. 4i8e the Eunta forty,ei.ht hours to a.ree3and, if they don@t, then
treat them to a 6.S. :ir Force,style laser li.ht showA
0o* /o Sta)e the .ountercoup
5e, the people, can start a .roundswell that will e8entually topple the /ushNCheney
7unta3with a commitment of only a couple of hours a week. Here@s bow:
+ .ontact your representati=es on a *ee9;y -asis, and )et three friends to do the
sa'e+ Senators, members of con.ress, and other elected officials P:' C:)#F6-
:**#&*+& to the calls, letters, and tele.rams they recei8e. #ach day they recei8e a tally
of their constituents@ messa.es. *ake Eust a few minutes each week, and let your thou.hts be
known.
*he /ush a.enda can be brou.ht to a .rindin. halt by a public outcry3and e8en a few
hundred letters can constitute an outcry. Se8eral /ush policies ha8e already been shel8ed
after public disappro8al. * 5+)=SA 5e all whine too muchJ why not put it to .ood useD
Pick an issue you care about and do the followin. today:
a. Call ("(,((2,%!(!3the 6.S. Capitol switchboard. Eust tell them your Kip code, and
they@ll transfer you to your representati8e.
b. 5rite to: +ffice of Senator O&ameP, 6nited States Senate, 5ashin.ton, DC ("$!"J or
to: +ffice of )epresentati8e O&ameP, 6nited States House of )epresentati8es, 5ashin.ton
DC, ("$!$.
c. #,mail: For Senators, .o to www.senate..o8Ncontactin.Ninde9bystate.cfinJ for
)epresentati8es, .o to www.house..o8NwriterepN
d. Send a tele.ram: call 5estern 6nion3!,>"",%($,0"""3or 8isit their 5eb site:
www.westernunion.com
2+ 8o) Bush Where=er 0e :oes+ f you hear 7unior@s comin. to town, or.aniKe a
.roup of friends to protest the e8ent. )emind the media that /ush doesn@t .o8ern by the
will of the people. /e loud. /e f"nny. Si.ns, street theater, mock trials3show him there@s
no safe ha8en from the *ruth.
3+ Aorce the 8e'ocrats to do their Bo-+ +b8iously, the easiest way to counter the coup
is to .et the BoppositionC to fi.ht the .ood fi.ht. /ut it won@t be easy: today@s Democrats
ha8e little time for those who can@t make their M!,""",a,plate dinners. So here@s how to
start a little Democratic beha8ior modification pro.ram:
Q /a9e the 4;ed)e+ 4o to my 5eb site Gmichaelmoore.comH and si.n the on,line
petition that challen.es the Democrats in Con.ress to stand up to /ushNCheney and fast
6or #e7ll work to deny them Con.ressional leadership ne9t year by runnin. 4reens in
close races where the Democrat@s Eust a )epublican in a bad suit.
Q /a9e o=er your ;oca; 8e'ocratic 4arty+ n most counties the local Democratic Party
is ran by Eust a few people, Lcause most citiKens would ne8er think of showin. up. 4o the
ne9t county or town Party meetin., and brin. ten friends. n most cases your bunch will
constitute a maEority. 6se the rules and the state party by,laws Gwhich can often be found
on the 5ebH and seiKe control.
4+ ?OC 'ust run for office+ *hat@s ri.ht3'+6, the person readin. this book. t@s the
only way thin.s are e8er .oin. to chan.e. 6nless normal, decent people run for .o8ernment
office, the Eob is left to rascals. How can we carp about crooked politicians if we won@t do
the Eob oursel8esD t@s time for '+6 to throw your hat in the rin.3and to do it ne9t year.
'ou can run for school board, city council, county treasurer, drain commissioner, city or
county clerk, state representati8e, state senate, state board of education, secretary of state,
.o8ernor, member of Con.ress, 6.S. Senator, e8en do.catcher3or any number of other
offices. *he one you should definitely run for is precinct dele.ate. #8ery precinct in
:merica elects dele.ates from each partyJ it may be the lowliest office, but it@s also the
foundation on which the whole house of cards is built. Selected dele.ates attend the
national party con8entions to nominate the presidential candidatesJ you should be amon.
them.
:nd @m not Eust sayin. this3@m doin. it, this year, and .ettin. a doKen friends to run
in their precincts too. t reIuires collectin. enou.h si.natures to .et your name on the
ballot, and Iualifications 8ary. /ut so few people 8ote in primaries3and so many precincts
end up with no candidates3that often .ettin. elected isn@t much harder than Eust showin.
up. So head down to your board of elections or county clerk@s office and pick up some
petitions before the deadline passes.
*hese are only a few of the measures we can take to sta.e our countercoup. 5hether
you do it as a Democrat, or a 4reen, or Eust one pissed,off citiKen, the important thin. is to
rise up and do it.
/*o
8ear :eor)e
2n Open >etter to 54resident6 :eor)e W+ Bush
Dear 4o8ernor /ush:
'ou and 3we@re like family.. +ur personal connection .oes back many years. &either
of us has cared to publiciKe it, for all the ob8ious reasons3mostly because no one would
belie8e it. /ut because of somethin. personal, somethin. the /ush family did, my life was
profoundly affected.
-et@s come clean and admit it: it was your cousin =e8in who shot 2oger @ Me.
:t the time made the mo8ie, didn@t know that your mother and =e8in@s mother were
sisters. Eust thou.ht =e8in, whom @d met when he was shootin. his own film at a cross
burnin. in Michi.an, was one of those bohemian artist types who li8ed in 4reenwich
;illa.e. =e8in had made a .reat film, :tomic CafS, and on a lark asked him if he would
come to Flint, Michi.an,
and teach me how to make a mo8ie. *o my astonishment he said yes, and so for one
week in February of !1>< =e8in )afferty and :nne /ohlen traipsed around Flint with me,
showin. me how to work the eIuipment, .i8in. me in8aluable tips on how to make a
documentary. 5ithout your cousin@s .enerosity, don@t know if 2oger @ Me would ha8e
e8er been made.
remember the day your dad was inau.urated as President. was editin. the film in a
ratty old editin. room in D.C. and decided to .o down to watch him be sworn in on the
Capitol steps. How weird it was to see your cousin =e8in, my mentor, sittin. ne9t to you up
on the daisA remember also walkin. down *he Mall and seein. the /each /oys playin.
B5ouldn@t t /e &iceC at a free inau.ural concert in honor of your father. /ack in the
editin. room, my friend /en was on the screen, all choked up about .oin. craKy on the
assembly line and sin.in. the same /each /oys son. o8er scenes of Flint in shreds.
Months later, when the film was released, your dad, the President, ordered a print of
2oger @ Me sent to Camp Da8id one weekend for the family to watch. +h, to ha8e been
a fly on the wall as you all 8iewed the ha8oc and despair that had been 8isited upon my
hometown3thanks, in lar.e part, to the actions of Mr. )ea.an and your father. Here@s
somethin. @8e always wanted to know: :t the end of the film, as the deputy sheriff was
tossin. the homeless kids@ presents and Christmas tree out on the curb because they were
M!$" behind in their rent, were there any tears in the roomD Did anyone feel responsibleD
+r did you all Eust think, B&ice camerawork, =e8ABD
5ell, that was the late ei.hties. 'ou@d Eust .i8en up your hard drinkin.J after bein.
sober for a few years, you were tryin. to Bfind yourself@ with Dad@s help3an oil 8enture
here, a baseball team there. t@s been clear to me for some time that you ne8er had any
intention of bein. President yourself. 5e all stumble into Eobs we don@t want at one time or
another3who hasn@t done thatD
For you, thou.h, it must be different. :fter all, it@s not Eust that you don@t want to be
there: now that you@re there, you@re surrounded by the same .an. of .eeKers who used to
ran the world with Pops. :ll those men roamin. around the 5hite House3Dick, )ummy,
Colin3not a sin.le one is a pal of yoursA t@s all the old farts Poppy used to ha8e o8er to
the house for a .ood ci.ar and 8odka as they dreamed up plans to carpet bomb the ci8ilians
of Panama.
/ut you@re one of us3a /oomer, a C student, a partierA 5hat the hell are you doin.
with that crowdD *hey@re eatin. you ali8e and spittin. you out like a bad pork rind.
*hey probably didn@t tell you that the ta9 cut they drew up for you to si.n was a
swindle to take money from the middle class and .i8e it to the super,rich. know you don@t
need the e9tra moneyJ you@re already set for life, thanks to 4randpappy Prescott /ush and
his smart tradin. with the &aKis before and durin. 5orld 5ar . GDurin. the late !1%"s and
throu.h the !12"s, Prescott /ush, 4eor.e @s father and 5s .randfather, was one of se8en
directors in the 6nion /ankin. Corporation, owned by &aKi industrialists. :fter filterin.
their money throu.h a Dutch bank, they hid an estimated M% million in /ush@s bank. :s a
principal player, it@s unlikely that /ush would ha8e been unaware of the &aKi connection.
*he .o8ernment e8entually seiKed the assets and the bank dissol8ed in !1$!, after which
Prescott /ush3and his father, Sam /ush3recei8ed M!.$ million.H
/ut all those dudes who .a8e you a record,breakin. M!1" million to run your campai.n
Gtwo,thirds of which came from Eust o8er se8en hundred indi8idualsAH, they want it all back
and more. *hey@re .oin. to hound you like do.s in heat, makin. sure you do e9actly as
they say. 'our predecessor may ha8e been rentin. out the -incoln bedroom to /arbra
Streisand, but that ain@t nothin@: before you know it, your pal, :ctin. President Cheney, will
be turnin. o8er the keys of the 5est 5in. to the chairmen of :*R*, #nron, and
#99onMobil.
'our critics berate you for takin. naps in the middle of the day and endin. your
workday around 2:%" P.M. 'ou should Eust tell them you@re startin. a new :merican
tradition3lunchtime naps for all, and e8erybody home by fi8eA Do that, and trust me,
you@ll be remembered as our .reatest President.
How dare they su..est you@re not .ettin. anythin. done in officeD &ot trueA ha8e
ne8er seen a new President busier than you. t@s almost as if you think your days as *he
Man are numbered. 5ith the Senate already .one to the Democrats and the House on its
way in (""(3well, hey, look at the bri.ht side, you@ll still ha8e two more years before all
those sore winners who 8oted for 4ore .i8e you the boot.
'our list of accomplishments3in Eust your first few months in office3is brutally
impressi8e.
'ou ha8e:
Q Cut M%1 million from federal spendin. on libraries
Q Cut M%$ million in fundin. for ad8anced pediatric trainin. for doctors
Q Cut fundin. for research into renewable ener.y sources by $" percent
Q Delayed rules that would reduce BacceptableC le8els of arsenic in drinkin. water
Q Cut fundin. for research into cleaner, more efficient cars and trucks by (> percent
Q )e8oked rules stren.thenin. the power of the .o8ernment to deny contracts to
companies that 8iolate federal laws, en8ironmental laws, and workplace safety standards
Q :llowed Secretary of the nterior 4ale &orton to reIuest su..estions for openin. up
national monuments for forestin., coal minin., and oil and .as drillin.
Q /roken your campai.n promise to in8est M!"" million per year in rain forest
conser8ation
Q )educed by AB percent the Community :ccess Pro.ram, which coordinated care for
people without health insurance amon. public hospitals, clinics, and other health care
pro8iders
Q &ullified a proposal to increase public access to information about the potential
ramifications of chemical plant accidents
Q Cut fundin. for the 4irls and /oys Clubs of :merica pro.rams in public housin. by
M0" million
Q Pulled out of the 1CCD =yoto Protocol a.reement on .lobal warmin., ultimately
si.ned by 1DA other countries
Q )eEected an international accord to enforce the 1CD2 treaty bannin. .erm warfare
Q Cut E200 million from workforce trainin. pro.rams for dislocated workers
Q Cut E200 million from the Childcare and De8elopment .rant, a pro.ram that pro8ides
child care to low,income families as they are forced from welfare to work
Q #liminated prescription contracepti8e co8era.e to federal employees Gthou.h ;ia.ra is
still co8eredH
Q Cut ED00 million in funds for public housin. repairs
Q Cut half a billion dollars from the #n8ironmental Protection :.ency@s bud.et
Q +8erturned workplace er.onomic rules desi.ned to protect workers@ health and safety
Q :bandoned your campai.n pled.e to re.ulate carbon dio9ide emissions, a maEor
contributor to .lobal warmin.
Q Prohibited any federal aid from .oin. to international family plannin. or.aniKations
that pro8ide abortion counselin., referrals, or ser8ices with their own funds
Q &ominated former minin. company e9ecuti8e Dan -auriski as :ssistant Secretary of
-abor for Mine Safety and Health
Q :ppointed -ynn Scarlett, a .lobal warmin. skeptic and an opponent of stricter
standards on air pollution, as 6ndersecretary of the nterior
Q :ppro8ed nterior Secretary 4ale &orton@s contro8ersial plan to auction off areas
close to Florida@s eastern shore for oil and .as de8elopment
Q :nnounced your plans to allow oil drillin. in Montana@s -ewis and Clark &ational
Forest
Q *hreatened to shut down the 5hite House :DS office
Q Decided no lon.er to seek .uidance from the :merican /ar :ssociation on federal
Eudicial appointments
Q Denied colle.e financial aid to students con8icted of misdemeanor dru. char.es
Gthou.h con8icted murderers are still eli.ible for financial aidH
Q :llocated only % percent of the amount reIuested by 7ustice Department lawyers in
the .o8ernment@s continued liti.ation a.ainst tobacco companies
Q Pushed throu.h your ta9 cut, 2% percent of which .oes to the wealthiest ! percent of
:mericans
Q Si.ned a bill makin. it harder for poor and middle,class :mericans to file for
bankruptcy, e8en when facin. o8erwhelmin. medical bills
Q :ppointed affirmati8e action opponent =ay Cole 7ames to direct the +ffice of
Personnel Mana.ement
Q Cut M!$.< million from pro.rams dealin. with child abuse and ne.lect
Q Proposed elimination of the B)eadin. s FundamentalC pro.ram, which .i8es free
books to poor children
Q Pushed for de8elopment of Bmini,nukes,C desi.ned to attack deeply buried tar.ets3a
8iolation of the Comprehensi8e *est /an *reaty
Q *ried to re8erse re.ulation protectin. si9ty million acres of national forest from
lo..in. and road buildin.
Q :ppointed 7ohn /olton, an opponent of nonproliferation treaties and the 6nited
&ations, as 6ndersecretary of State for :rms Control and nternational Security
Q Made Monsanto e9ecuti8e -inda Fisher deputy administrator of the #n8ironmental
Protection :.ency
Q &ominated Michael McConnell, a leadin. critic of the separation of church and state,
to a federal Eud.eship
Q &ominated ci8il ri.hts opponent *errence, /oyle to a federal Eud.eship
Q Canceled the (""2 deadline for auto makers to de8elop prototype hi.h,milea.e cars
Q &amed 7ohn 5alters, an ardent opponent of prison dru. treatment pro.rams, as
dru. cKar
Q :ppointed oil and coal lobbyist 7. Ste8en 4iles as Deputy Secretary of the nterior
Q &amed /ennett )aley, who has called for the repeal of the #ndan.ered Species :ct, as
:ssistant Secretary of the nterior for 5ater and Science
Q Sou.ht the dismissal of a class,action lawsuit filed in the 6nited States a.ainst 7apan
by :sian women forced to work as se9 sla8es in 5orld 5ar
Q :ppointed as solicitor .eneral *ed +lson, your chief lawyer in the Florida 8otin.
debacle
Q Proposed to ease the permit process for constructin. refineries and nuclear and
hydroelectric dams, includin. lowerin. en8ironmental standards
Q Proposed the sellin. of oil and .as tracts in the :laska 5ildlife Preser8e
5hewA @m tired Eust typin. this listA 5here do you .et the ener.yD Gt is the naps, isn@t
itDH
+f course, a lot of the abo8e is supported by many Democrats Gand @ll ha8e a few
words for them later in the bookH.
/ut ri.ht now, @m concerned about you. *hink back3what was your first act as
BPresidentBD 'ou remember: before you would .et in the car to ride down Pennsyl8ania
:8enue in your inau.ural parade, you insisted someone .et a screwdri8er and take the D.C.
license plates off the limo because they contained the words BSupport D.C. Statehood.C
Here it is, the bi..est day of your life, and you@re pissed at the license platesD 'ou ha8e
4+* to rela9A
.uess, thou.h, started worryin. about you lon. before that day. : number of
disturbin. re8elations re.ardin. your beha8ior surfaced durin. the campai.n. #8entually
they went away, but continue to ha8e concerns about your ability to function on the Eob.
Please don@t take this as pryin. or moraliKin.3we@ll lea8e that to CheneyA t is simply an
honest attempt at inter8ention from a close friend of the family.
-et me be blunt: @m afraid you may be a threat to our national security.
*hat may seem a bit stron., but don@t make this statement li.htly. t has nothin. to do
with our minor disa.reements re.ardin. e9ecutin. innocent people on death row, or how
much of :laska to car8e up with oil ri.s. :nd @m not Iuestionin. your patriotism3@m
sure you@d lo8e any country that@s been this .ood to you.
)ather, it has to do with a number of beha8iors many of us who care for you ha8e
witnessed o8er the years. Some of these habits are a little surprisin.J some you can@t
controlJ and others are, unfortunately, all too common amon. us :mericans.
/ecause you ha8e your fin.er on *he /utton Gyou know, the one that could blow up the
worldH, and because decisions you make ha8e 8ast and far,reachin. conseIuences for the
stability of said world, would like to ask you three pointed Iuestions3and would like
you to .i8e me, and the :merican people, three honest answers:
+ :eor)e, are you a-;e to read and *rite on an adu;t ;e=e;D
t appears to me and many others that, sadly, you may be a functional illiterate. *his is
nothin. to be ashamed of 'ou ha8e lots of company GEust count the typoes in this book. n
fact, isn@t that a typoDH. Millions of :mericans cannot read and write abo8e a fourth,.rade
le8el. &o wonder you said Blea8e no child behindB3you knew what it felt like.
/ut let me ask this: if you ha8e trouble comprehendin. the comple9 position papers you
are handed as the -eader of the Mostly,Free 5orld, how can we entrust somethin. like our
nuclear secrets to youD
:ll the si.ns of this illiteracy are there3and apparently no one has challen.ed you
about them. *he first clue was what you named as your fa8orite childhood book. 80he
Fery '"ngry Caterpillar) G yo" said.
6nfortunately, that book wasn@t e8en published until a year after you .raduated from
colle.e.
*hen there@s the Iuestion of your colle.e transcripts, if those really are your transcripts.
'o# did yo" .et into 'ale when other applicants in !102 had hi.her S:*s and much
better .radesD
Durin. the campai.n, when asked to name the books you were currently readin., you
answered .amely3but when IuiKKed about the books@ contents, you didn@t know what to
say. &o wonder your aides stopped lettin. you hold press conferences with two months left
in the campai.n. 'our handlers were scared to death of what you mi.ht .et asked3and
how you mi.ht answer.
+ne thin. is clear to e8eryone3you can@t speak the #n.lish lan.ua.e in sentences we
can comprehend. :t first, the way you man.led words and sentences seemed cute, almost
charmin.. /ut after a while it became worrisome. *hen in an inter8iew you broke
:merica@s decades,lon. policy toward *aiwan, sayin. we were willin. to do Bwhate8er it
tookC to defend *aiwan, e8en su..estin. we mi.ht deploy troops there. 7eeK, 4eor.eJ the
whole world flipped outJ before you knew it, e8eryone was at Defcon %.
f you@re .oin. to be Commander,in,Chief, you have to be able to communicate your
orders. 5hat if these little slipups keep happenin.D Do you know how easy it would be to
turn a little fau9 pas into a national,security ni.htmareD &o wonder you want to increase
the Penta.on bud.et. 5e@ll need all the firepower we can .et after you accidentally order
the )ussians Bwiped out,C when what you meant to say was, B need to wipe the )ussian
dressin. off my tie.C
'our aides ha8e said that you don@t Gcan@tDH read the briefin. papers they .i8e you, and
that you ask them to read them for you or to you. 'our mother was passionately committed
to readin. pro.rams as First -ady. Should we assume she knew firsthand the difficulty of
raisin. a child who couldn@t readD
Please don@t take any of this personally. Perhaps it@s a learnin. disability. Some si9ty
million :mericans ha8e learnin. disabilities. *here@s no shame in this. :nd yes, belie8e a
dysle9ic can be President of the 6nited States. :lbert #instein was dysle9icJ so is 7ay -eno.
GHey, finally found a way to work -eno and #instein into the same sentenceA See,
lan.ua.e can be fun.H
/ut if you refuse to seek help with this problem, @m afraid you may be too .reat a risk
for the country. 'ou need help. 'ou need Hooked on Phonics, not Eust another +8al +ffice
briefin..
*ell us the truth, and @ll come read to you e8ery ni.ht at bedtime.
2+ 2re you an a;coho;ic, and if so, ho* is this affectin) your perfor'ance as
.o''anderEinE
.hiefD
:.ain, there is no fin.er bein. pointed here, no shame or disrespect intended.
:lcoholism is a hu.e problemJ it affects millions of :merican citiKens, people we all know
and lo8e. Many are able to reco8er and li8e normal li8es. :lcoholics can be, and ha8e been,
President of the 6nited States. .reatly admire anyone who can deal with this addiction.
'ou ha8e told us that you cannot handle drinkin., and that you ha8en@t touched a drop of
alcohol since you were forty. Con.ratulations.
'ou ha8e also told us that you used to Bdrink too muchC and that you e8entually
BrealiKed that alcohol was be.innin. to crowd out my ener.ies and could crowd, e8entually,
my affections for other people.C *hat is the definition of an alcoholic. *his does not
disIualify you from bein. President, but it does reIuire that you answer some Iuestions,
especially after you spent years co8erin. up the fact that in !1<0 you were arrested for
drunk dri8in..
5hy won@t you use the word alcoholicD *hat is, after all, the First Step to reco8ery.
5hat support system ha8e you set up to make sure you don@t fall off the wa.onD /ein.
President is perhaps the most stressful Eob in the world. 5hat ha8e you done to ens"re
yo" can handle the pressure and the an9iety associated with bein. the most powerful man
on earthD
How do we know you won@t turn to the bottle when faced with a serious crisisD 'ou@8e
ne8er had a Eob like this. For twenty years, from what can tell, you had no Eob at all. 5hen
you stopped Bdriftin.,C your dad set you up in the oil business with some 8entures that
failed, and then he helped you .et a maEor leag"e baseball team, which reIuired you to sit
in a bo9 seat and watch a lot of lon., slow baseball .ames.
:s .o8ernor of *e9as, you couldn@t ha8e had much stressJ there H"st isn@t enou.h to
do. /ein. .o8ernor of *e9as is a relati8ely ceremonial Eob. How will you deal with some
une9pected new threat to world securityD Do you ha8e a sponsor you can callD s there a
meetin. you can attendD 'ou don@t ha8e to tell me the answers to these %"estionsI you
Eust ha8e to promise me you@8e thou.ht them out for yourself.
know this is 8ery personal, but the public has a ri.ht to know. For those who say,
B5ell, c@mon, it@s his personal life that was twenty,four years a.o,C ha8e this to say: was
hit by a drunk dri8er twenty,ei.ht years a.o, and to this day cannot completely e9tend my
ri.ht arm. @m sorry, 4eor.e, but when you .o out on a public hi.hway drunk, it@s no lon.er
Eust your P#)S+&:- life we@re talkin. about. t@s my life, and the li8es of my family.
'our campai.n people6the enablers3tried to Lco8er for you, lyin. to the press about
the nature of your arrest for dri8in. under the influence. *hey said the cop pulled you o8er
because you were Bdri8in. too slowly.C /ut the arrestin. officer said it was because you
had swer8ed off on the shoulder of the road.
'ou yourself Eoined in the denial when asked about the e8enin. you spent in Eail.
B didn@t spend time in Eail,C you insisted. *he officer told the local reporter that in fact
you were handcuffed, taken to the station, and held in custody for at least an hour and a
half. Could it be that you truly don@t rememberD
*his is not Eust some simple traffic ticket. can@t belie8e your enablers actually implied
your drunk dri8in. con8iction wasn@t as offensi8e as Clinton@s trans.ressions. -yin. about
consensual se9 you had with another adult while you are married is wron., but it is &+*
the same as .ettin. behind the wheel of a car when you are drunk and endan.erin. the li8es
of others Gincludin., 4eor.e, the life of yo"r o#n sister) who was with you in the car
that ni.htH.
t is also &+* the same, despite what your defenders said before the election, as :l
4ore 8olunteerin. that he smoked pot in his youth. 6nless he was dri8in. while stoned, his
actions endan.ered no life but his own3and he wasn@t tryin. to co8er it up.
'ou@8e tried to dismiss the incident by sayin. Bit was back in my youth.C /ut you were
&+* a ByouthBJ you were in your thirties.
*he ni.ht your con8iction was finally re8ealed to the nation, Eust days before the
election, it was painful to watch you swa..er as you tried to chalk up your BirresponsibleC
action as the mere Byouthful indiscretionC of ha8in. a few beers with the boys Gsmirk,
smirkH. really felt for the families of the half a million people who ha8e been killed by
drunks like yourself in the twenty,four years since your Blittle ad8enture.C *hank 4od you
kept drinkin. for only another several years after you Blearned your lesson.C think,
too, of what you must ha8e put your wife, -aura, throu.h. She knew all too well how
dan.erous it is when any of us .et behind the wheel. :t se8enteen she killed a hi.h school
friend of hers when she ran throu.h a stop si.n and collided with his car. @m hopeful that
you can look to her for .uidance if e8er you feel the pressures of the Eob .ettin. to you.
G5hate8er you do, don@t turn to Dick Cheney for help: he@s had two drunk dri8in. arrests
on his record for more than twenty,fi8e yearsAH
Finally, ha8e to tell you how distressed was when, back in that craKy week before the
election, you hid behind your dau.hters as your e9cuse for co8erin. up this con8iction. 'ou
said you were worried that your history of drunkenness would set a bad e9ample for them.
: lot of .ood that secrecy has done, as pro8en by the twins@ 8arious arrests this year for
alcohol possession. n some ways, admire their rebellion. *hey asked you, they be..ed
you, they told you: BPlease, Dad, don7t run for President and ruin our li8esAC 'ou did. t
did. &ow, like all .ood teena.ers, it@s payback time.
Perhaps the news anchor on Sat"rday ight 3ive put it best: B4eor.e /ush said he
didn@t re8eal the drunk dri8in. char.e because of what his dau.hters mi.ht think of him.
He had preferred that they think of him as a man with numerous failed business 8entures
who now e9ecutes people.C
Here@s what su..est: 4et help. 7oin ::. *ake your dau.hters to :l,:non. 'ou will all
be welcomed with open arms.
3+ 2re you a fe;onD
5hen you were asked in !111 about your alle.ed cocaine use, you replied that you had
committed Bno felonies in the last twenty,fi8e years.C 5ith all we@8e learned about tricky
answers in the last ei.ht years, that kind of response could only lead a reasonable obser8er
to belie8e that the years before that were a different story.
5hat felonies did you commit before !1<2, 4eor.eD
/elie8e me, @m not askin. this in order to see! p"nishment for anythin. you did.
am concerned that if there is some deep, dark secret you are hidin., you may in effect be
pro8idin. ammunition for anyone who unco8ers that secret3be it a forei.n power Gyour
current fa8orite, the ChineseH or domestic Glike3oh, pick one3say, ).7. )eynoldsH. f they
disco8er your history of a felony or felonies, they@ll ha8e somethin. to hold o8er you,
puttin. them in a position to blackmail you. *hat makes you, 4eor.e, a national security
threat.
*rust me, someone #ill find out what you are hidin.,and when they do, we@ll all be at
risk. 'ou ha8e a duty to disclose the nature of whate8er felony you imply that you may
ha8e committed. +nly by re8ealin. it can you neutraliKe its potential use as a weapon
a.ainst you3or us.
:lso, you recently made it a reIuirement for any youn. person seekin. financial aid for
colle.e to answer a Iuestion on the application form that reads: BHa8e you e8er been
con8icted for any dru. offenseDC f they ha8e, they are denied student aid3which means
that many of them will not be .oin. to colle.e. G+r, to put it another way, accordin. to your
new orders Sirhan Sirhan can still recei8e student aid, but a kid with a Eoint can@t.H
Doesn@t this mo8e on your part strike you as a little hypocriticalD 'ou would deny a
colle.e education to thousands of kids who only did e$actly what you ha8e implied you
did as a youn. personD Man, that takes some chutKpahA :s you@ll be recei8in. M2"",""" a
year from us until (""23from the same federal kitty that pays out the colle.e aid3it
seems only fair to make you answer the same Iuestion: BHa8e you e8er been con8icted of
sellin. or possessin. dru.s Gnot includin. alcohol or tobaccoHDC
5e do know, 4eor.e, that you ha8e been arrested three times. +ther than some peace,
acti8ist friends of mine, don@t personally know anyone who has been arrested three times
in their life.
n addition to the drunk dri8in., you were arrested with some fraternity brothers for
stealin. a Christmas wreath as a prank. 5hat was that all aboutD
'our third arrest was for disorderly conduct at a football .ame. &ow this really don@t
.et. *veryone cond"cts themsel8es in a disorderly manner at a football .ameA @8e been
to many football .ames and ha8e had many a beer spilled on my head, but to this day @8e
ne8er seen anyone arrested. 'ou@8e .otta work pretty hard to .et noticed in a crowd of
drunken football fans.
4eor.e, ha8e a theory about why and how all this has happened to you.
nstead of ha8in. to earn it, you ha8e been handed the presidency, the same way you@8e
come by e8erythin. else in your life. Money and name alone ha8e opened e8ery door for
you. 5ithout effort or hard work or intelli.ence or in.enuity, you ha8e been beIueathed a
life of pri8ile.e.
'ou learned at an early a.e that, in :merica, all someone like you has to do is show up.
'ou found yourself admitted to an e9clusi8e &ew #n.land boardin. school simply because
your name was /ush. 'ou did not ha8e to #:)& your place there. t was bou.ht for you.
5hen they let you into 'ale, you learned you could bypass more deser8in. students
who had worked hard for twel8e years to Iualify for admission to colle.e. 'ou .ot in
because your name was /ush.
'ou .ot into Har8ard /usiness School the same way. :fter screwin. off durin. your
four years at 'ale, you took the seat that ri.htfully belon.ed to someone else.
'ou then pretended to ser8e a full stint in the *e9as :ir &ational 4uard. /ut one day,
accordin. to the /oston 4lobe) yo" Eust skipped out and failed to report back to your unit
3for a year and a halfA 'ou didn@t ha8e to fulfill your military obli.ation, because your
name was /ush.
Followin. a number of Blost yearsC that don@t appear in your official bio.raphy, you
were .i8en Eob after Eob by your daddy and other family members. &o matter how many of
your business 8entures failed, there was always another one waitin. to be handed to you.
Finally, you .ot to be a partner in a maEor lea.ue baseball team3another .ift3e8en
thou.h you put up only one one hundredth of the money for the team. :nd then you conned
the ta9payers of :rlin.ton, *e9as, into .i8in. you another perk3a brand,new multimillion,
dollar stadium that you didn@t ha8e to pay for.
So it@s no wonder you think you deser8ed to be named President. 'ou didn@t earn it or
win it3therefore it must be yoursA
:nd you see nothin. wron. with this. 5hy should youD t is the only life you ha8e e8er
known.
+n election ni.ht, as the 8ote swayed back and forth across the nation, you told the
press that your brother had assured you Florida was yours. f a /ush said it was so, it was
so.
/ut it ain@t so. :nd when it dawned on you that the presidency had to be earned and
won by a 8ote of the people3yes, the peopleA3you went berserk. 'ou sent in hatchet man
7ames /aker GBFuck the 7ews, they don@t 8ote for us anywayC was his ad8ice to Poppy in
L1(H to tell lies to the :merican people and stoke the nation@s fears. 5hen that didn@t seem
to work, you went to federal court and sued to stop the 8otes from bein. counted3because
you knew how the 8ote would turn out. f you were truly sure you had the 8ote of the
people, you wouldn@t ha8e minded all those 8otes bein. counted.
5hat startles me is how you turned to the bi. bad federal .o8ernment for help. 'our
mantra durin. e8ery campai.n stop was the followin.: BMy opponent trusts the federal
.o8ernment. trust you, the people5G
5ell, we soon learned the truth. 'ou didn@t trust the people at all. 'ou went strai.ht to
the federal court to .et your handout Gtrust the 8otin. machines, not the peopleAH. :t first
the Eud.es in Florida didn@t buy it3and for perhaps the first time in your life, someone told
you no.
/ut as we@8e already seen, Daddy@s friends on the 6.S. Supreme Court were there to
take care of e8erythin..
n short, you@8e been a drunk, a thief, a possible felon, an uncon8icted deserter, and a
crybaby. 'ou may call that statement cruel. call it Btou.h lo8e.C
For the sake of all that is decent and sacred, .ood 4od, man, take lea8e immediately
and brin. some honor to your allimportant family nameA Make those of us who know
there@s a thread of decency in your family proud once a.ain to claim that a /ush in the hand
is better than a handout to a /ush.
'ours,
Michael Moore
/01EE
8o* Wo* Wo*
:S @M S**&4 in a Michi.an airport waitin. for my :merican :irlines fli.ht to
Chica.o, a man in a uniform sits down beside me and strikes up a con8ersation.
learn that he is actually a pilot, for :merican :irlines3or more precisely :merican
#a.le, the commuter airline of :merican :irlines, which like all commuters, these days is
now addin. Eets to its fleets for fli.hts of under two hours. *his sa8es the parent company
lots of money, .uess.
*he pilot who has approached me is not scheduled to fly the plane @m on. He@s hopin.
to .rab an empty seat for the fli.ht across -ake Michi.an.
BDo you ha8e to pay to fly if it@s a personal tripDC asked.
B&o,C he replied. Bt@s about the only frin.e benefit we ha8e.C
He then re8ealed that the startin. pay for a pilot at :merican #a.le was M!0,>"" a year.
B5hatDC asked, sure that had misheard the fi.ure. BSi9teen .rand per yearDC
B*hat@s ri.ht,C the captain responded. B:nd that@s hi.h. :t Delta@s commuter airline,
startin. pay is M!$,""" for a pilotJ at Continental #9press, it@s around M!%,""".C
80hirteen tho"sand; For the captain of a commercial airlinerD :re you messin.
with meDC
B&o, @m not messin@ with anyone. t .ets worse. *hat first year as a pilot, you ha8e to
pay for your own fli.ht trainin. and your own uniforms. :fter that@s all deducted, you end
up with about M1,""".C
He paused so that could sink in. *hen he added: B4ross.C
B can@t belie8e what @m hearin..C My 8oice was now .ettin. to a le8el where others
around us be.an listenin. in.
B/elie8e it,C he assured me. B+ne of our pilots last month went down to the welfare
office and applied for food stamps. &o kiddin.. 5ith four kids, at his le8el of pay as a pilot,
he was le.ally eli.ible for assistance. *he front office at :merican found out about this and
sent out a memo that said no pilot was to apply for food stamps or welfare3e8en if they
were eli.ible for itA :nyone who did apply would be let .o.
BSo now my buddy Eust .oes down to the food bank on his way home. *hey don@t ask
for anythin. from you that would .et back to :merican :irlines.C
thou.ht @d heard e8erythin. by now. /ut this story was beyond fri.htenin.. did not
want to .et on that plane. 'ou see, there@s somethin. about us humans and our basic animal
instincts for sur8i8al3and one of those instincts, probably traceable back to the ca8eman
days, is: ever) ever let someone fly yo" "p in the air who@s makin. less than the
kid at *aco /ell.
.ot on the plane, but only after con8inced myself the .uy must ha8e been feedin. me
a line. How else could Eustify riskin. my life like thatD *he followin. week, thou.h,
made some calls and did some research. Much to my horror, that pilot@s fi.ures were ri.ht.
5hile captains who had been with these commuter airlines for a number of years were
pullin. in the bi. money GM2","""NyearAH, first,year rookies in many cases were li8in.
below the po8erty le8el.
don@t know about you, but want the people takin. me with them to defy nature@s
most powerful force3.ra8ity3to be happy, content, confident, and well paid. #8en on the
bi. Eets for the maEor airlines, the fli.ht attendants3another .roup of employees whose
trainin. may one day be critical to sa8in. your life3start out at somewhere between
M!$,""" and M!<,""" a year. 5hen @m at %",""" feet do not want the minds of the pilots
or the attendants to be occupied with how they@re .oin. to .et the heat and li.hts turned
back on once they .et home toni.ht, or which /ob@s /i. /oy they@re .oin. to ha8e to stick
up in order to make the monthly rent. :nd what@s the lesson for the flyin. publicD /e nice
to people on welfare3they may be flyin. you to /uffalo.
For the first half of (""!, the pilots for Delta Connection were on strike. *he .reedy
bastards at the union were demandin. M(",""" for their pilots@ startin. pay. /ut Delta
refused, and the work stoppa.e went on for months. 'ou@d think that considerin. the
boomin. economy3especially for the well,to,do who fly often3there would be little
problem .i8in. the pilots a wa.e that allows them to subsist on somethin. besides do.
food. G5hen boardin. a plane, used to do a Bsniff checkC to see if the pilots had been
drinkin.J now @ll be lookin. for stray =ibbles or /its as pass by the cockpit.H :fter
be..in. for scraps from the table, the Delta Connection pilots finally .ot their M(",""" a
year.
*hese pilots3and the rest of the public3are bein. told that the economy isn@t doin. so
well, that there@s been a hu.e downturn, that profits are off, that the stock market has taken
a beatin., and that no matter how far Mr. 4reenspan lowers the interest rates, nothin.
seems to be helpin..
*hey certainly ha8e numbers to back up their claim. :n a8era.e of 2"%,""" :mericans
are filin. new unemployment claims e8ery week. Hundreds of companies are announcin.
massi8e layoffs. *housands of start,ups in the new hi.h,tech,dot,com fields ha8e .one
belly,up. Car sales are down. )etailers had a horrible Christmas. From Silicon :lley to
Silicon ;alley, the belts are bein. ti.htened.
:nd we@8e fallen for it.
*here is no recession, my friends. &o downturn. &o hard times. *he rich are wallowin.
in the loot they@8e accumulated in the past two decades, and now they want to make sure
you don@t come a,lookin@ for your piece of the pie.
*he wealthy are doin. e8erythin. they can to con8ince you that you@d better not be
askin. for your share, because3well, suddenly, there7s not eno"gh to go aro"nd5
&i.ht after ni.ht, the media they own tell you one sad story after another, about the latest
nternet company that went down, or mutual fund that lost e8erythin., or &:SD:F
in8estor who went belly,up. *oday the Dow 7ones ndustrial :8era.e lost o8er %"" points.
-ucent *echnolo.ies announced another fifteen thousand layoffs. *he mer.er between
6nited and 6.S. :irways is off, 4eneral Motors is killin. off +ldsmobile, and there are
now reports that e8en your personal 2"!= is not safe. Pretty scary stuff, ehD
+h, it@s all true. *hey wouldn@t lie to you. :t least not about these puny details they use
to manipulate your fears.
/ut what about the bi..er lieD *he one about how horrible the lar.er world economy is
todayD mean, on one le8el, it appears to be true. f you@re middle class or lower, you ha8e
e8ery ri.ht to be fearful. 5hyD /ecause those on top are e8en more afraid. *hey@re scared
silly that you@re .oin. to want to participate in the party they@8e been ha8in.. *hey@re
afraid you@re .oin. to say, B+=, you .ot your yachts and your homes in the south of France
3now what about meD How Lbout a little somethin. for me so can .et a new .ara.e
doorDC *he only thin. bi..er than this fear of theirs is their astonishment that none of you
ha8e demanded a raise, or a 8acation, or a co,paid 8isit to the dentist, or any share in the
e9cessi8e wealth that@s been .enerated in the past ten years. Can it really be that you@re
content to spend four ni.hts a week wonderin. who wants to be a millionaire, but ne8er
actually answer 8M*5G; *he corporate poobahs ha8e been waitin. for you to drop the
other shoe.
'es, those in char.e know it@s ine8itable: one day you@re .oin. to want your share. :nd
because that must ne8er happen, the lon. kni8es are drawn3and they@8e decided to
perform a preempti8e strike in the hope that you@ll ne8er e8en thin! of eyein. their piles
of cash.
So that@s why they@re layin. you off, or pleadin. po8erty. *hat@s why they@8e remo8ed
the free coffee pot3not because they can@t afford the coffee but because they need to fuck
with your mind. *hey need you in a constant state of stress, suspicion, and fear. -1U
C1U3. >* *J05 For.et about the Ma9well House3sa8e yoursel8esA *he bosses
must be sittin. back ha8in. one of the bi..est lau.hs of their li8es.
&ow how do know all this, you askD 5ell, you see, walk amon. them. li8e on the
island of Manhattan, a three,mile,wide strip of land that is lu9ury home and corporate suite
to :merica@s elite. Much of the sufferin. you e9perience as an :merican emanates from
this piece of platinum real estate nestled between two polluted ri8ers. *hose who run your
li8es li8e in my nei.hborhood. walk the streets with them each day. see their children
bein. raised by Haitian immi.rants, and watch them pass by the n8isible Men who clean
the .routin. on the marble floors without sayin. a word, always in a hurry to .et to
where8er they@re .oin.3most likely to reduce your insurance benefits or put your
workplace on the choppin. block. *hey are fit, coifed, and hun.ry to make a killin.3and
the ne9t body they drop could be yoursA
listen to them talk about how well they@8e done3the new home in the /erkshires, the
trip they Eust took to #aster sland. *hey couldn@t be happier.
5hen first mo8ed into my buildin., it was occupied by artists and playwri.hts and
half the cast of Sat"rday ight -i8e and some senior citiKens. &ow it@s pretty much Eust
us, one of the )an.ers, and my craKy friend /arry, the cinemato.rapherJ e8eryone else, it
seems, is either rich enou.h to do without a Eob, or busy reapin. hu.e profits from the
8arious properties they own in poor nei.hborhoods, or li8in. off some trust fund, or
workin. on 5all Street, or from another country Ghere in &ew 'ork o8erseein. the family@s
forei.n in8estmentsH. *he Fortune $"" corporations are their bread and butter. :nd @m here
to tell you, they@re loaded, and they@re not cuttin. back one bit for themsel8es.
f you don@t want to take my word alone, then let me offer you some neutral, obEecti8e
statistics about Eust how well those at the top are doin.:
Q From !1<1 until now, the richest percent in the country ha8e seen their wa.es
increase by !$< percentJ those of you in the bottom (" percent are actually makin. M!""
less a year GadEusted for inflationH than you were at the dawn of the )ea.an era.
Q *he world@s richest two hundred companies ha8e seen their profits .row by %0(.2
percent since !1>%J their combined sales are now hi.her than the combined .ross domestic
product of all but ten nations on earth.
Q Since the recent mer.ers of the top four 6.S. oil companies, their profits ha8e soared
by !20 percent durin. what we were told was an Bener.y crisis.C
Q n the most recent year for which there are fi.ures, forty,four of the top ei.hty,two
companies in the 6nited States did not pay the standard rate of %$ percent in ta9es that
corporations are e9pected to pay. n fact, !< percent of them paid &+ ta9es at all3and
se8en of those, includin. 4eneral Motors, played the ta9 code like a harp, Eu..lin. business
e9penses and ta9 credits until the .o8ernment actually owed them millions of dollarsA
Q :nother !,(<1 corporations with assets of M($" million or more also paid &+ ta9es
and reported Bno incomeC for !11$ Gthe most recent year for which statistics were
a8ailableH.
5e are .ettin. bilked in so many ways that listin. them all mi.ht .et me char.ed with
incitin. a riot. /ut who caresD Mercedes /enK, which has continually refused to meet
:merican milea.e and pollution standards, was bein. fined for its lawbreakin. when it
came up with an in.enious plan. For the years !1>> and !1>1, the company deducted from
their ta9es the M0$ million it had paid in fines as Bordinary e9penses incurred ... in carryin.
on its trade or business.C *hat means that you and paid M0$ million so that a bunch of rich
people could dri8e around in bi., fancy cars and ruin our lun.s. Fortunately, the )S was on
to this scam and denied their claim.
Halliburton, the oil company, set up a subsidiary in the Cayman slands in the early
nineties. Problem is, there is no oil in the Cayman slands. &or are there any oil refineries
or distribution centers. So what was that Halliburton subsidiary doin. thereD #8idently the
.o8ernment was suspicious. From !110 until !11>,
fourteen separate ta9 actions were filed a.ainst Halliburton entities. n one case, the
.o8ernment contended that Halliburton used these subs to a8oid M%> million in ta9es. Most
of these cases ha8e been resol8ed.
*hey aren@t the only ones interested in defraudin. the federal .o8ernment. : half,doKen
maEor 6.S. insurance companies now call /ermuda their BheadIuarters,C includin.
insurance .iants Chubb, Hartford, =emper, -iberty Mutual, and others. :ccenture, which
used to be known as :ndersen Consultin., recently Bmo8edC its company to /ermuda in
order to a8oid payin. ta9es. t@s really Eust a paper mo8e3they still ha8e all their offices
around the country, and e8eryone shows up to work e8ery day doin. what they always did
for :ndersen. t@s Eust their BheadIuartersC that ha8e mo8ed. 5ouldn@t you lo8e to wake up
tomorrow and declare that you@8e Bmo8edC yourself to FiEi, e8en thou.h you still ha8e to
look at *opeka outside your windowD
&orbes ma.aKine estimates that corporate ta9 shelters cost us a8era.e :mericans o8er
M!" billion dollars a year Gand we ha8e to make up the difference, by payin. more ta9es or
by losin. ser8icesH. &e9t time you can@t afford to fi9 the furnace or replace the computer,
you can thank all those fat cats who@8e .ot you repeatin. the line Bthe economy isn@t doin.
too well ri.ht now.C
nstead of collectin. this money that@s bein. stolen from us, how is the )S spendin. its
time these daysD *hey@8e decided to .o after you. *hat@s ri.ht. *hey@8e thrown up the
white fla.J they@re surrenderin. their efforts to .et the rich to pay their ta9es. *heir new
policy is to focus on sIueeKin. those who make the least. :ccordin. to the 4eneral
:ccountin. +ffice, those who earn less than M($,""" a year ha8e seen their )S audits
double,while those earnin. o8er M!"",""" ha8e seen their audits drop by o8er ( $ percent.
5hat does this mean on the balance sheetD t@s resulted in a drop of ( 0 percent in the
amount of ta9es corporations pay, while you, the a8era.e :merican, ha8e seen your ta9es
.o up by at least !% percent. n the !1$"s, ta9es from corporations made up (< percent of
the re8enues for the federal .o8ernmentJ today that number has dropped to less than !"
percent. 5ho has made up the differenceD 'ou and your second Eob.
Part of the reason you@re hearin. so much about how bad the economy is these days is
that many of those who are .ettin. their pink slips are the friends and family of those
reportin. the bad news. 6nlike the massi8e layoffs of the ei.hties, which were all but
i.nored by those who went to .ood colle.es and made .ood
money, the layoff massacres today are mostly white,collar and professional. -ay off a
few hundred thousand of these people, and you@re .onna hear about it. 5hyD 5ell, because
it@s ... it@s ... it@s S+ 6&F:)A mean, these hi.h,tech .uys paid their duesA *hey played by
the rules, .a8e their heart and soul and first marria.e to the company. *hey were there for
e8ery company retreat, ne8er missed a late,ni.ht Bthink session,C attended e8ery charity
e8ent the chairman and his friends threw. :nd then one day... B/ob, this is an employment
counselor we@8e hired to help you with your transition, which we@d like to make as easy for
you as possible. Please hand me your keys, and this .entleman with the bad.e and .un will
escort you to your cubicle so you can collect your personal belon.in.s and lea8e the
buildin. in the ne9t twel8e minutes.C
*here is no downturn. :re businesses earnin. less than last yearD :bsolutely. How
could they notD *he nineties saw these corporations post surreal, o8er,the,top profits, a
once,in,a,lifetime bonanKa that had nothin. to do with reality. Compare any year@s fi.ures
to those, and you@re comparin. apples and windfalls. *here was a headline the other day
that said 4M@s profits were down <% percent from last year. *hat sounds bad3but last year
was nothin. short of a profit or.y. #8en with that <% percent drop, 4M will still pocket
o8er M>"" Million profit in the first half of (""!.
:re dot,coms foldin. left and ni.htD +f course they areA /i. deal. *hat@s what happens
with any new, re8olutionary in8ention3a ton of entrepreneurs hop on board to find their
fortune, and in the end only the mediocre but ruthless few are still standin.. t@s called C,:,
P,!,*,:,-,,S,M. n !1!1, twenty years after the in8ention of the automobile, there were
!"> automobile manufacturers in the 6nited States. *en years later the number had whittled
down to the /i. 22 6.S. auto companies. /y the end of the fifties it had dropped to >, and
today we ha8e a .rand total of (,!N( 6.S. car manufacturers. *hat@s the way it works in our
system. 'ou don@t like it, you can mo8e to ... to ... um ... damn, where do you mo8e to these
daysD
+h, of course3/ermudaA
Aour
@i;; Whitey
% 8ON&/ @N0W what it is, but e8ery time see a white .uy walkin. toward me,
tense up. My heart starts racin., and immediately be.in to look for an escape route and a
means to defend myself kick myself for e8en bein. in this part of town after dark. Didn@t
notice the suspicious .an.s of white people lurkin. on e8ery street comer, drinkin.
Starbucks and wearin. their .an. colors of 4ap *urIuoise or 7. Crew Mau8eD 5hat an
idiotA &ow the white person is comin. closer, closer3and then3whewA He walks by
without harmin. me, and breathe a si.h of relief.
5hite people scare the crap out of me. *his may be hard for you to understand3
considerin. that am white3but then a.ain, my color .i8es me a certain insi.ht. For
instance, find myself pretty scary a lot of the time, so know what @m talkin. about. 'ou
can take my word for it: if you find yourself suddenly surrounded by white people, you
better watch out. Anything can happen.
:s white people, we@8e been lulled into thinkin. it@s safe to be around other white
people. 5e@8e been tau.ht since birth that it@s the people of that other color we need to
fear. 0hey7re the ones who@ll slit your throatA
'et as look back on my life, a stran.e but unmistakable pattern seems to emer.e.
*very person who has e8er harmed me in my lifetime3the boss who fired me, the teacher
who flunked me, the principal who punished me, the kid who hit me in the eye with a rock,
the other kid who shot me with his // .un, the e9ecuti8e who didn@t renew 0Fation)
the .uy who was stalkin. me for three years, the accountant who double,paid my ta9es, the
drunk who smashed into me, the bur.lar who stole my stereo, the contractor who
o8erchar.ed me, the .irlfriend who left me, the ne9t .irlfriend who left e8en sooner, the
pilot of the plane was on who hit a truck on the runway Ghe probably hadn@t eaten in
daysH, the other pilot who decided to fly throu.h a tornado, the person in the office who
stole checks from my checkbook and wrote them out to himself for a total of M!0,"""3
e8ery one of these indi8iduals has been a white personA CoincidenceD think notA
ha8e ne8er been attacked by a black person, ne8er been e8icted by a black person,
ne8er had my security deposit ripped off by a black landlord, ne8er had a black landlord,
ne8er had a meetin. at a Hollywood studio with a black e9ecuti8e in char.e, ne8er seen a
black a.ent at the film N; a.ency that used to represent me, ne8er had a black person deny
my child the colle.e of her choice, ne8er been puked on by a black teena.er at a Motley
Crue concert, ne8er been pulled o8er by a black cop, ne8er been sold a lemon by a black
car salesman, ne8er seen a black car salesman, ne8er had a black person deny me a bank
loan, ne8er had a black person try to bury my mo8ie, and @8e ne8er heard a black person
say, B5e@re .oin. to eliminate ten thousand Eobs here3ha8e a nice dayAC
don@t think @m the only white .uy who can make these claims. #8ery mean word,
e8ery cruel act, e8ery bit of pain and sufferin. in my life has had a Caucasian face attached
to it.
So, um, why is it e9actly that should be afraid of black peopleD
look around at the world li8e in3and, folks, hate to tell tales out of school, but it@s
not the :frican,:mericans who ha8e made this planet such a pitiful, scary place to inhabit.
)ecently a headline on the front pa.e of the Science section of the &ew 'ork *imes asked
the Iuestion B5ho /uilt the H,/ombDC *he article went on to discuss a dispute that has
arisen between the men who claim credit for makin. the first bomb. Frankly, could ha8e
cared less3because already know the only pertinent answer: B* 5:S : 5H*# 46'AC
&o black .uy e8er built or used a bomb desi.ned to wipe out hordes of innocent people,
whether in +klahoma City, Columbine, or Hiroshima.
&o, my friends, it@s always the white .uy. -et@s .o to the tote board:
Q 5ho .a8e us the black pla.ueD : white .uy.
Q 5ho in8ented 4B., 43., 4BB, and a host of chemicals that are killin. usD 5hite
.uys.
Q 5ho has started e8ery war :merica has been inD 5hite men.
Q 5ho is responsible for the pro.rammin. on F+?D 5hite men.
Q 5ho in8ented the punch card ballotD : white man.
Q 5hose idea was it to pollute the world with the internal combustion en.ineD 5hitey,
that@s who.
Q *he HolocaustD *hat .uy really .a8e white people a bad name Gthat@s why we prefer
to call him a &aKi and his little helpers 4ermansH.
Q *he .enocide of &ati8e :mericansD 5hite man.
Q Sla8eryD 5hiteyA
Q So far in (""!, :merican companies ha8e laid off o8er <"",""" people. 5ho ordered
the layoffsD 5hite C#+s.
Q 5ho keeps bumpin. me off the nternetD Some fri..in@ white .uy, and if find him,
he@s a dead white .uy.
'ou name the problem, the disease, the human sufferin., or the abEect misery 8isited
upon millions, and @ll bet you ten bucks can put a white face on it faster than you can
name the members of L& Sync.
:nd yet when turn on the news each ni.ht, what do see a.ain and a.ainD >lac! men
alle.ed to be killin., rapin., mu..in., stabbin., .an.ban.in., lootin., riotin., sellin.
dru.s, pimpin., ho,in., ha8in. too many babies, droppin. babies from tenement windows,
fatherless, motherless, 4odless, penniless. B*he suspect is described as a black male ... the
suspect is described as a black male ... *H# S6SP#C* S D#SC)/#D :S : /-:C=
M:-#....C &o matter what city @m in, the news is always the same, the suspect always the
same unidentified black male. @m in :tlanta toni.ht, and swear the police sketch of the
black male suspect on *; looks Eust like the black male suspect saw on the news last
ni.ht in Den8er and the ni.ht before in -.:. n e8ery sketch he@s frownin., he@s menacin.
3and he@s wearin. the same knit capA s it possible that it@s the same black .uy committin.
e8ery crime in :mericaD
belie8e we@8e become so used to this ima.e of the black man as predator that we are
fore8er ruined by this brainwashin., n my first film, 2oger @ Me) a white woman on
Social Security clubs a bunny rabbit to death so that she can sell him as BmeatC instead of
as a pet. wish had a nickel for e8ery time in the last ten years someone has come up to
me and told me how BhorrifiedC and BshockedC they were when they saw that Bpoor little
cute bunnyC bonked on the head. *he scene, they say, made them physically sick. Some had
to turn away or lea8e the theater. Many wondered why would include such a scene. *he
Motion Picture :ssociation of :merica GMP::H .a8e 2oger @ Me an ) ratin. in
response to that rabbit killin. Gwhich compelled B0 Min"tes to do a story on the stupidity
of the ratin. systemH. *eachers write me and say they ha8e to edit that part out of the film
so they won@t .et in trouble for showin. my mo8ie to their students.
/ut less than two minutes after the bunny lady does her deed, included foota.e of a
scene in which the police in Flint opened fire and shot a black man who was wearin. a
Superman cape and holdin. a plastic toy .un. &ot once3not ever6has anyone said to
me, B can@t belie8e you showed a black man bein. shot in your mo8ieA How horribleA How
dis.ustin.A couldn@t sleep for weeks.C :fter all, he was Eust a black man, not a cute,
cuddly bunny. *here is no outra.e at showin. a black man bein. shot on camera Gleast of
all from the MP:: ratin.s board, who saw absolutely nothin. wron. with that sceneH.
5hyD /ecause a black man bein. shot is no lon.er shockin.. 7ust the opposite3it@s
normal) natural. 5e@8e become so accustomed to seein. black men killed3in the mo8ies
and on the e8enin. news3that we now accept it as standard operatin. procedure. &o bi.
deal) H"st another dead blac! g"y5 *hat@s what blacks do3kill and die. Ho,hum. Pass
the butter.
t@s odd that, despite the fact that most crimes are committed by whites, black faces are
usually attached to what we think of as Bcrime.C :sk any white person who they fear mi.ht
break into their home or harm them on the street, and if they@re honest, they@ll admit that
the person they ha8e in mind doesn@t look much like them. *he ima.inary criminal in their
heads looks like Mookie or Hakim or =areem, not little freckle,faced 7immy.
How does the brain process a fear like this, when e8erythin. it sees says the oppositeD
:re white people@s brains hardwired to see one thin. but belie8e the opposite because of
raceD f that@s the case, then do all white people suffer from some shared low,.rade mental
illnessD f e8ery time the sun was out it was nice and bri.ht and clear, but your brain told
you to stay inside because it definitely looked like a storm was brewin., well, we mi.ht
encoura.e you to seek some professional help. :re white people who see black boo.eymen
around e8ery corner any differentD
+b8iously, no matter how many times their fellow whites make it clear that the white
man is the one to fear, it simply fails to re.ister. #8ery time you turn on the *; to news of
another school shootin., it@s always a white kid who@s conductin. the massacre. #8ery time
they catch a serial killer, it@s a craKy white .uy. #8ery time a terrorist blows up a federal
buildin., or a madman .ets four hundred people to drink =ool,:id, or a /each /oys
son.writer casts a spell causin. half a doKen nymphets to murder Ball the pi..iesC in the
Hollywood Hills, you know it@s a member of the white race up to his old tricks.
So why don@t we run like hell when we see whitey comin. toward usD 5hy don@t we
e8er .reet the Caucasian Eob applicant with, B4ee, uh, @m sorry, there aren@t any positions
a8ailable ri.ht nowCD 5hy aren@t we worried sick about our dau.hters marryin. white
.uysD
:nd why isn@t Con.ress Ttryin. to ban the scary and offensi8e lyrics of 7ohnny Cash GB
shot a man in )eno N Eust to watch him dieCH, the Di9ie Chicks GB#arl had to dieCH, or /ruce
Sprin.steen GB... killed e8erythin. in my path N can@t say that @m sorry for the thin.s that
we doneCH. 5hy all the focus on rap lyricsD 5hy doesn@t the media print rap lyrics like
these and tell the truthD
( sold bottles of sorro#) then chose poems and novels.
35u,*:&4 C-:&
People "se yo7 brain to gain. 3C# C6/#
A poor single mother on #elfare ... tell me ho# ya did it.
3*uP:C SH:=6)
(7m trying to change my life) see ( don7t #anna die a sinner
3M:S*#) P
:frican,:mericans ha8e been on the lowest run. of the economic ladder since the day
they were beaten and dra..ed here in chains3and they ha8e never made it off that run.,
not for a sin.le damn day. #8ery other immi.rant .roup who has landed here has been able
to ad8ance from the bottom to the middle and upper le8els of our society. #8en &ati8e
:mericans, who are amon. the poorest of the poor, ha8e fewer children li8in. in po8erty
than :frican,:mericans.
'ou probably thou.ht thin.s had .otten better for blacks in this country. mean, after
all, considerin. all the ad8ances we@8e made eliminatin. racism in our society, one would
think our black citiKens mi.ht ha8e seen their standard of li8in. rise. : sur8ey published in
the ?ashington Post in 7uly (""! showed that 2" to 0" percent of white people thou.ht
the a8era.e black person had it as .ood or better than the a8era.e white person.
*hink a.ain. :ccordin. to a study conducted by the economists )ichard ;edder, -owell
4allaway, and Da8id C. Clin.aman, the a8era.e income for a black :merican is 0! percent
less per year than the a8era.e white income. 0hat is the same percentage difference
as it #as in 1AA05 &ot a damn thin. has chan.ed in more than !(" years.
5ant more proofD Consider the followin.:
Q :bout (" percent of youn. black men between the a.es of si9teen and twenty,four are
neither in school nor workin.3compared with only 1 percent of youn. white men. Despite
the Beconomic boomC of the nineties, this percenta.e has not fallen substantially o8er the
last ten years.
Q n !11%, white households had in8ested nearly three times as much in stocks and
mutual funds andNor ): and =eo.h accounts as black households. Since then, the stock
market has more than doubled its 8alue.
Q /lack heart attack patients are far less likely than whites to under.o cardiac
catheteriKation, a common and potentially lifesa8in. procedure, re.ardless of the race of
their doctors. /lack and white doctors to.ether referred white patients for catheteriKation
about 2" percent more often than black patients.
Q 5hites are fi8e times more likely than blacks to recei8e emer.ency clot,bustin.
treatment for stroke.
Q /lack women are four times more likely than white women to die while .i8in. birth.
Q /lack le8els of unemployment ha8e been rou.hly twice those of whites since !1$2.
Does this make anyone an.ry besides me and the )e8erend FarrakhanD *o what do
:frican,:mericans owe this treatment, considerin. that they are responsible for so little of
the sufferin. our society facesD 5hy are they the ones who are bein. punishedD Damned if
know.
So how ha8e we white people been able to .et away with this without all endin. up like
)e.inald DennyD G*he white truck dri8er who was dra..ed from his ri. and beaten nearly
to death by blacks durin. the -: riots in !11(.H
Caucasian in.enuityA 'ou see, we used to be real dumb. -ike idiots, we wore our racism
on our slee8e. 5e did really ob8ious thin.s, like puttin. up si.ns on rest room doors that
said 5H*#S +&-'. +8er a drinkin. fountain we@d han. a si.n that said C+-+)#DS. 5e
made black people sit at the back of the bus. 5e pre8ented them from attendin. our schools
or li8in. in our nei.hborhoods. *hey .ot the crappiest Eobs Gthose ad8ertised for
&#4)+#S +&-'H, and we made it clear that if you weren@t white you were .oin. to be
paid a lower wa.e.
5ell, this o8ert, o8er,the,top se.re.ation .ot us into a heap of trouble. : bunch of
uppity lawyers went to court3citin., of all thin.s, our 8ery own ConstitutionA *hey
pointed out that the Fourteenth :mendment doesn@t allow for anyone to be treated
differently because of their race.
#8entually, after a lon. procession of court losses, demonstrations, and riots, we .ot the
messa.e: if we didn@t wise up, we were .oin. to ha8e to start sharin. some of the pie. 5e
learned an important lesson: if you@re .oin. to be a successful racist, better find a way to do
it with a smile on your faceA
So white people .ot smart and took down the si.ns, stopped lynchin. black men who
mi.ht ha8e stopped on the street to talk with our women, passed a bunch of ci8il,ri.hts
laws, and ceased sayin. words like nigger in public. 5e e8en .ot ma.nanimous enou.h to
say, S"re) yo" can even live here in o"r neighborhoodI yo"r !ids can go to
o"r !ids7 school. 8?hy the hell not; ?e #ere H"st leaving any#ay. 5e smiled,
.a8e black :merica a pat on the back3and then ran like the de8il to the suburbs. &ow we
.et to ha8e thin.s Eust the way we always used to ha8e them in the cities. 5hen we walk
out to pick up the paper in the mornin., we look one way down the street and see white
peopleJ look the other way, and .uess whatD3more white peopleA
:t work, we whites still .et the plum Eobs, double the pay, and a seat in the front of the
bus to happiness and success. -ook back down the aisle, thou.h, and you@ll see the blacks
sittin. where they@8e always been, pickin. up after us, waitin. on us, ser8in. us from
behind the counter.
n order to create a co8er for this continued discrimination, we hold Bdi8ersity
seminarsC at our workplaces and appoint Burban relationsC people to help us Bconnect with
the community.C 5hen we ad8ertise for a Eob openin. we .leefully include the words B:n
#Iual +pportunity #mployer.C t feels so .ood3and it@s .ood for a chuckle, Lcause we
know there@s no way in hell a black .uy@s .oin. to .et the Eob. +nly 2 percent of the
:frican,:merican population ha8e a .raduate de.ree Gcompared with 1 percent of whites
and !$ percent of :sian,:mericansH. 5e@8e ri..ed the system from birth, .uaranteein. that
black people will .o to the worst public schools, thus pre8entin. them from admission to
the best colle.es, and pa8in. their way to a fulfillin. life makin. our lattSs, ser8icin. our
/M5s, and pickin. up our trash. +h, sure, a few slip by3but they pay an e9tra tariff for
the pri8ile.e: the black doctor dri8in. his /M5 .ets pulled o8er continually by the copsJ
the black /roadway actress can@t .et a cab after the standin. o8ationJ the black broker is
the first to be laid off because of Bseniority.C
5e whites really deser8e some kind of .enius award for this. 5e talk the talk of
inclusion, we celebrate the birthday of Dr. =in., we frown upon racist EokesJ thanks to that
rat bastard Mark Fuhrnan blowin. our co8er, we@8e e8en coined a new term3Bthe &,
wordC3to replace the real &i..er McCoy. *rust me, you@ll &#;#) catch any of us sayin.
that word out loud3not these days, no,sir,ree,bobA *he only time it@s acceptable is when
we@re sin.in. alon. with a rap son.3and boy, do we suddenly lo8e to rapA
5e ne8er fail to drop a mention of Bmy friend3he@s black...C 5e .i8e money to the
6nited &e.ro Colle.e Fund, reco.niKe /lack History Month, and make sure we put our
lone black employee up at the front reception desk so we can say thin.s like BSee3we
don@t discriminateA 5e hire black people.C
'es, we are a 8ery crafty, ca.ey race3and damn if we ha8en@t .otten away with itA
5e@re also 8ery adept at learnin.3and liftin.3from black culture. 5e co,opt it, put it
throu.h a white blender, and make it ours. /enny 4oodman did it, #l8is did it, -enny
/ruce did it. Motown created a whole new sound, and then was seduced to mo8e to -.:.,
where it withdrew and made way for the 4reat 5hite Pop Stars. #minem admits he owes a
lot to Dr. Dre, *upac, and Public #nemy. *he /ackstreet /oys and L& Sync are indebted to
Smokey )obinson and the Miracles, the *emptations, and the 7ackson Fi8e.
/lacks in8ent it, we appropriate it. Comedy, dance, fashion, lan.ua.e3we lo8e the way
black people e9press themsel8es, whether it@s talkin. about .i8in. your .irlfriend BpropsC
for a tasty dinner, or han.in. out with your Bpeeps,C or tryin. your darndest to B/e -ike
Mike.C +f course the operati8e word there is li!e) because no matter how many millions
he makes, to be Mike would mean spendin. an awful lot of time pulled o8er on the &ew
7ersey *urnpike.
Professional sports Gother than hockeyH has been dominated by :frican,:mericans for
the past three decades. 5e@8e been 8ery .enerous in turnin. o8er all that hard work and
trainin. and e9ertion to youn. black men, because let@s face it, it@s more fun to sit in your
-a,U,/oy eatin. chips and dip and watchin. them chase that ball. f we need e9ercise, we
can always work up a sweat callin. in to sports talk radio to whine about how Bo8erpaidC
those athletes are. Seein. black people end up with so much money Eust kind of makes us
feel ... uneasy.
5here are the rest of the black,skinned people these days, the ones who don@t shoot
hoop or wait on usD 5orkin. in film and tele8ision, rarely see them. 5hen lea8e &ew
'ork to .o to -os :n.eles for a few days to work and meet with people in the business, and
from the plane fly out on to the hotel @m stayin. at, to my 8isit at the old talent a.ency, to
the e9ecuti8es meet, to the drinks must ha8e with a producer in Santa Monica, and then
the dinner enEoy with friends in 5est Hollywood3 can .o days and ne8er encounter a
sin.le :frican,:merican unless it@s someone to whom @m handin. a tip. How can that
happenD *o pass the time, now play a .ame with myself, tryin. to clock how lon. it will
be before spot a black man or woman who isn@t wearin. a uniform or sittin. at a
receptionist@s desk Gthey do the &e.ro,at the,reception,desk trick in -.:., tooH. Durin. my
last three trips to -os :n.eles the clock ne8er stopped: the black head count was Kero. *hat
could e9ist for days at a time in the second lar.est city in :merica and encounter only
whites, :sians, and Hispanics but no blacks at all3now *H:*@s an incredible feat,
testimony to the stren.th of our commitment to be a se.re.ated society. *hink of how much
ener.y has to .o into somethin. like this, so that don@t ha8e to be troubled by any black
peopleA How did the white people out there keep the one million black citiKens of -os
:n.eles county hidden from my 8iewD Sheer, unadulterated .eniusA
know it@s easy to pick on -.:. 'ou can ha8e the hear,no,black people, see,no,black,
people e9perience in most parts of :merica. :nd it@s not Eust the *; and film world. @d be
surprised if any black hands ha8e touched the manuscript of this book since it left my office
Gother than to messen.er it to the publisher across townH.
For once @d lo8e to see a black person in the seat ne9t to me at a =nicks .ame3or
within twenty rows of me in any direction Gplayers and Spike -ee e9cludedH. For once @d
like to walk onto an airplane and see it filled with only black passen.ers instead of a bunch
of complainin. white Eerks who feel a sense of entitlement in demandin. that .i8e up my
lap so they can put their seat in it.
&ow don@t .et me wron.. @m not a self,hatin. Caucasian. t@s not the white skin color
of others that .i8es me the creeps. 5hat .alls me is that my fellow white people ha8e
become so conni8in. they@8e fi.ured out a way to turn black people into white peopleA
5hen first heard Clarence *homas speak thou.ht, BFor cryin. out loud, don@t white
people ha8e enou.h people alreadyDC &ow the airwa8es are filled with blacks who are
trotted out to push the white a.enda. am stumped as to where the networks di. these
indi8iduals up. *hey speak out a.ainst affirmati8e action, e8en thou.h many of them .ot
into colle.e than!s to affirmati8e action. *hey blast welfare mothers, e8en thou.h that@s
who their own mother was, stru..lin. for years in po8erty so her son could .row up to
debase her and her kind. *hey speak out a.ainst homose9uals, e8en thou.h :DS has
de8astated black .ay men more than any other .roup. *hey despise 7esse 7ackson, e8en
thou.h he spent years bein. arrested and riskin. his life so they would ha8e the freedom to
sit down in any restaurant and order lunch, let alone 8oice any opinion they wished. @m not
sayin. that black :merica must speak with one political 8oiceJ @m Eust repulsed by the
8enom some of these Bconser8ati8esC spew.
t@s the saddest thin. to watch, this 6ncle *om porn. How much are these freaks bein.
paidD wonder, when the red fi.ht on the camera .oes off, does /ill +@)eilly or Chris
Matthews or *ucke r Carlson e8er say to these sellouts, BHey, there@s a house ne9t to mine
for sale3you ou.hta mo8e inAC or BHey, my sister@s sin.le now, and so are you3how
Lbout itDC don@t know, maybe they do. Maybe +@)eilly will ha8e me o8er for =wanKaa
this December.
wonder how lon. we@ll ha8e to li8e with the le.acy of sla8ery. *hat@s ri.ht. brou.ht
it up. S-:;#)'. 'ou can almost hear the .roans of white :merica whene8er you brin. up
the fact that we still suffer from the impact of a .o8ernment,appro8ed and supported sla8e
system.
5ell, @m sorry, but the roots of most of our social ills can be traced strai.ht back to this
sick chapter of our history. :frican :mericans never .ot a chance to ha8e the same fair
start the rest of us .ot. *heir families were willfully destroyed. *heir lan.ua.e and culture
and reli.ion were stripped from them. *heir po8erty was institutionaliKed so that our cotton
could .et picked, our wars could be fou.ht, our con8enience stores could remain open all
ni.ht. *he :merica we@8e come to know would ne8er ha8e come to pass if not for the
millions of sla8es who built it and created its boomin. economy3and for the millions of
their descendants who do the same dirty work for whites today.
BMike, 5hy are you brin.in. up sla8eryD &o black person li8in. today was e8er a
sla8e. didn@t ensla8e anyone. 5hy don@t you Iuit blamin. all this on some past inEustice,
and make them take responsibility for their own actionsDC
5ell, it@s not like we@re talkin. ancient )ome here, folks. My .randfather was born Eust
three years after the Ci8il 5ar.
*hat@s ri.ht, my grandfather. My .reat,uncle was born before the Ci8il 5ar. :nd
@m only in my forties. Sure, people in my family seem to marry late and ha8e their babies
e8en later, but the truth remains: @m Eust two .enerations from sla8e times. *hat, my
friends, is &+* a Blon. time a.o.C n the 8ast breadth of human history, it was only
yesterday. 6ntil we realiKe that, and accept that we do ha8e a responsibility to correct an
immoral act that still has repercussions today, we will ne8er remo8e the sin.le .reatest stain
on the soul of our country.
*he day after the -.:. riots be.an in !11(, when the mayhem had spread into the white
nei.hborhoods near /e8erly Hills and Hollywood, white people went into ur.ent sur8i8al
mode. *housands who li8e in the hills abo8e -os :n.eles fled. *housands more stayed and
brou.ht out their .uns. t appeared as if the racial :rma.eddon many had feared was upon
us.
was workin. out of a 5arner /ros. office in )ockefeller Center in &ew 'ork City.
5ord was passed throu.hout the buildin. that e8eryone was to e8acuate and head for home
by !:"" P.M. t was feared that blacks in &ew 'ork mi.ht catch Briot fe8erC and .o berserk.
:t !:"" PM. went out on the street, and what saw belie8e Gand hopeH may ne8er see
a.ain3tens of thousands of white people runnin. down the sidewalks to .et the ne9t
commuter train or bus out of town. t was like a scene from 0he .ay of the 3oc"st)
wall,to,wall humans in a collecti8e panic, mo8in. as one, in fear for their li8es.
5ithin half an hour, the streets were deserted. #mpty. t was eerie, creepy. &ew 'ork
City, in the middle of the day, in the middle of the week3and it looked like fi8e :.M. on a
Sunday mornin..
walked home to my nei.hborhood. &ot really concerned about anythin. other than the
fact that my pen had run out of ink, stopped by the stationery store across the street from
my apartment. t was one of the few businesses still open Gmost had closed and shuttered
their windowsH. picked up a couple of pens and some paper and went up to the counter to
pay. *here, at the cash re.ister, stood the elderly owner3with a baseball bat on the counter
in front of him. asked him what the bat was for.
B7ust in case,C he replied, eyes dartin. around to see what was happenin. outside on the
street.
B7ust in case of whatDC asked.
B'ou know, in case they decide to riot here.C
He wasn@t referrin. to -.:. rioters hoppin. on a plane and brin.in. their Moloto8s here
to toss around the /i. :pple. 5hat he had in mind3like e8eryone who was runnin. to
catch the last train home to the white suburbs3was the fact that our race problem has ne8er
really been sol8ed, and that black :merica was harborin. a lot of pent,up an.er o8er the
incredible disparity between the li8es of blacks and whites in this country. *hat bat on the
counter spoke 8olumes about the one basic unspoken fear all whites ha8e: that, sooner or
later, the blacks are .oin. to rise up and .et their re8en.e. 5e are all sittin. on a racial
tinderbo9, and we know we better be ready when the 8ictims of our .reed come callin..
5ell, hey, why wait for that to happenD Do you really want to let it .et to that pointD
5ouldn@t you rather fi9 the problem than ha8e to flee for your life as your house burns
behind youD know wouldA
So @8e put to.ether some easy,to,follow sur8i8al tips that mi.ht help sa8e your honky
ass. Sooner or later3you know it and know it3there are .oin. to be millions of )odney
=in.s knockin. on your door, and this time they aren@t .oin. to be the ones takin. the
beatin..
f we are unwillin. to take serious action to correct our race problem, chances are we@ll
all end up ha8in. to li8e in a .ated nei.hborhood, armed with semiautomatic weapons and
a pri8ate security force. &ow what fan is thatD
SC13%32> /%4S AO1 W0%/E 2ME1%.2
+ 0ire on;y -;ac9 peop;e+
@m done hirin. white people. &othin. a.ainst them personally, of course. *hey@re a
dependable, hardworkin. lot. *hose @8e hired for my films and *; shows ha8e been a
.reat bunch.
/ut they are white.
How can write what @8e already written in this chapter when @8e done little or
nothin. to correct the problem in my own backyardD +h, sure, could .i8e you a hundred
e9cuses for why it@s so hard to find :frican,:mericans in this business3and they@d all be
true. So whatD So it@s hardD Does that absol8e me of responsibilityD ou.hta be leadin. a
picket of myself.
/y .i8in. Eobs to white people3for many of them, their first Eob in this medium3@8e
enabled them to .o on and ha8e successful careers on shows like Politically (ncorrect)
.harma and 4reg) Da8id -etterman@s show, 0he .aily Sho# #ith :on Ste#art)
and more. : doKen other former staffers ha8e .one on to make their own independent films.
+ne became an e9ecuti8e at
Comedy Central, and two others created shows for that network. Some of our editors
ha8e worked at H/+, and one of them has .one on to edit many of :n. KCro"ching
0iger) 'idden .ragonL -ee@s films.
@m happy for them all, but there@s a Iuestion that .naws away inside my head: 5hat if
@d done the same for a hundred blac! writers, editors, field producers, and
cinemato.raphers on my proEects o8er the yearsD 5here would they be todayD My .uess
usin. their talent to affect a hundred shows or mo8ies, ha8in. their 8oices heard. :nd we@d
all be better off for it.
*he more think about it, white employees can be a lot of trouble. )i.ht now, the white
person in the office ne9t to me is playin. an #a.les CD. *hat person@s .ot to .o. *hey can
also be a pretty laKy bunch3especially those who .rew up with a lot of money and went to
the nicer schools. *hey@re the ones who@8e spilled crap an o8er our carpets, lea8in. hu.e,
u.ly stains, and who@8e scratched up all our furniture. *heir .enetically encoded sense of
pri8ile.e whispers in their ears, BSomeone else Gsomeone blackDH will pick up after you.C
:nother employee Eust came in and told me she wants to take Friday off Bto .o out to the
Hamptons.C Sure3and why don@t you take the rest of your life off while you@re at itD
So they@8e all .otta .o. From now on, whitey don@t work here no more.
suppose some .o8ernment a.ency is .oin. to pay me a 8isit o8er this, as @m le.ally
prohibited from denyin. employment to an entire race of people. don@t care. /rin. it onA
:nd you better not send me some white .uy, or @ll ha8e him fetchin. me bur.ers and
scrubbin. my toilet.
So if you@re :frican,:merican and you@d like to work in the media3or already do but
ha8en@t been able to .et out from behind that damn. reception desk3then encoura.e you
to drop me a line and send me your rSsumS.
+ur lone white receptionist will be happy to answer any Iuestions you may ha8e.
2+ %f you o*n a -usiness, pay peop;e a ;i=in) *a)e, pro=ide day care, and 'a9e
sure a;; your e'p;oyees ha=e hea;th insurance+
*his sur8i8al tip is for those of you who consider yoursel8es conser8ati8e and are .reat
belie8ers in capitalism. f bein. conser8ati8e is all about lookin. out for number one, ha8e
a radical, but simple, idea that will .uarantee you lar.er profits, a more producti8e
workforce, and no labor problems.
+ur black citiKens are disproportionately our poorest citiKens. 'et without them to do
the hard labor, white society would be crippled. 'ou want them to work e8en harderD 'ou
want them to help you make more moneyD
Here@s what you need to do:
Ma9e sure the a'ount you pay your e'p;oyees is enou)h for the' to o*n their
o*n ho'e, ha=e re;ia-;e transportation, ta9e a =acation, and send their 9ids to
co;;e)e+
How does payin. people more money make you more moneyD
t works like this. *he more you pay workers, the more they spend. )emember, they@re
not Eust your workers3they@re your consumers, too. *he more they spend their e9tra cash
on your products, the more your profits .o up. :lso, when employees ha8e enou.h money
that they don@t ha8e to li8e in constant fear of bankruptcy, they@re able to focus more on
their work3and be more producti8e. 5ith fewer personal problems and less stress han.in.
o8er them, they@ll lose less time at work, meanin. more profits for you. Pay them enou.h to
afford a latemodel car Gi.e., one that worksH, and they@ll rarely be late for work. :nd
knowin. that they@ll be able to pro8ide a better life for their children will not only .i8e
them a more positi8e attitude, it@ll .i8e them hope3and an incenti8e to do well for the
company, because the better the company does, the better they@ll do.
+f course, if you@re like most corporations these days announcin. mass layoffs ri.ht
after postin. record profits3then you@re already hemorrha.in. the trust and confidence of
your remainin. workforce, and your employees are doin. their Eobs in a state of fear.
Producti8ity will drop. *hat will hurt sales. 'ou will suffer. :sk the people at Firestone:
Ford has alle.ed that the tire company fired its lon.time union employees, then brou.ht in
untrained scab workers who ended up makin. thousands of defecti8e tires3and ("% dead
customers later, Firestone is in the toilet.
Open an onEsite day care center for e'p;oyees *ith chi;dren a)es t*o to fi=e+
&ow, can hear your first reaction already. B&o way @m ha8in. a bunch of little brats
runnin. around here3*HS S : P-:C# +F /6S&#SSAC understand. *hose little ones
can cause Iuite a distraction, especially when you@re tryin. to close a bi. deal with that
4erman bank and little -a*oya speeds by, dra..in. =asheem around by the hair like a
stuffed animal.
/ut here@s a .reater distraction to consider: if your employees are spendin. all their
time at work worryin. about their kids, they won@t be as producti8e as they should be.
Parents will always worry about their children before their Eobs. *hat@s Eust human nature.
:nd sin.le parentsD *hey@8e .ot no help. 5hen somebody needs to cut out of work to .o
pick up their sick kid at the babysitter@s, or needs to split the second the clock strikes fi8e
because the day care center char.es a penalty for late pickups, they@8e .ot no choice but to
drop what they@re doin..
ma.ine if your workers didn@t ha8e to spend time on the Eob worryin. about the kids,
and instead focused !"" percent on ma!ing yo" money; (f they no lon.er had to miss
work Eust because the babysitter flaked out, and .ot to spend all day lon. ma!ing yo"
money;
: day care center on the premises doesn@t cost that much and most parents would be
willin. to share that cost with you if it meant a reprie8e from worryin. about the kids.
*hink of how rela9ed it would make your workers, knowin. that their children were safe
and secure3and nearbyA Man, they@ll be workin. their butts offA
*ranslation: More dou.h for '+6A
4ro=ide )ood hea;th care insurance for e=eryone, and )i=e *or9ers enou)h paid
sic9 days+
Do e8en need to e9plain this oneD How much efficiency is sacrificed e8ery year by
employees who come to work sick because they can@t afford to .o to the doctor or a8oid
doin. so until they@re near collapseD 5ith no other choice, they brin. their 8iruses to work
3and infect e8eryone in their path. t@s far more profitable to pay for health insurance for
your workers, so they can .et better Iuick and start bustin. their humps for you a.ain3at
full speed. : healthy workforce is a producti8e workforce. 5ith health insurance, it@s one
afternoon off work to see the doctor, a speedy dia.nosis and prescription, and3lookA3
back to work in a co"ple of days) instead of lin.erin. at home for a week or two
waitin. for the condition to clear up.
*he .ood news is, all of the abo8e is in the interest of your own bottom line3no
bleedin.,heart, bleedin.,money liberalism reIuired. 'ou can stay as re.ressi8e and .reedy
as you want3 don@t care. (f it means life will .et better for some of the millions of
:frican,:mericans who work hard for little pay, scanty benefits, and no security, then @ll
be happy.
3+ 8on&t -uy a hand)un+
5hat sense does it make to ha8e a .un in the houseD f it@s for huntin., then it@s simple:
keep your rifle or shot.un unloaded and locked up in the attic until huntin. season.
f you@re thinkin. of buyin. a hand.un for protection, on the other hand, let me .i8e
you a few statistics. : member of your family is twenty,two times more likely to die from
.unfire if you ha8e a .un in your house than if you don@t.
*he idea that ha8in. a .un is the only way to ensure Bhome protectionC is a myth.
Fewer than ! out of 2 8iolent crimes is committed while the 8ictim is at home. :mon. all
the instances when .uns are fired durin. a break,in while the owner is at home, in only (
percent are .uns used to shoot the intruder. *he other 1> percent of the time, residents
accidentally shoot a lo8ed one or themsel8es3or the bur.lars take the .un and kill them
with it.
&onetheless, we ha8e almost a %"arter<billion .uns in our homes.
*he 8ast maEority of .uns in :merica are purchased and owned3that is, introduced into
society3by white people. #ach year about $"",""" .uns are stolen, mostly from these
same white people in the suburbs. :nd the 8ast maEority of those .uns end up in the inner
city, sold cheaply or traded for le.al or ille.al .oods and ser8ices.
*hese white .uns ha8e caused an enormous amount of death and sufferin. amon.
:frican,:mericans. 4unfire is the number one cause of death amon. youn. blacks. /lack
men between the a.es of fifteen and twenty,four are almost si9 times more likely to be shot
to death than white men in that same a.e .roup.
&o :frican,:merican owns a .un company. Cruise throu.h the part of your town where
:frican,:mericans li8e: there are no .un factories there. :t prices that ran.e from se8eral
hundred to se8eral thousand dollars, most :frican,:mericans can@t afford to buy a 4lock,
/eretta, -u.er, Colt, or Smith R 5esson. &o black .uy owns a plane that@s smu..lin.
automatic weapons into the country
:ll of this is done by whites. /ut sooner or later, thousands of these le.ally purchased
.uns end up in the hands of desperate people who li8e in po8erty and who li8e with their
own set of fears. *o introduce .uns into this 8olatile en8ironment3which we white people
ha8e done little to impro8e3is a deadly proposition.
So if you@re white, and you@d like to help reduce the number one cause of death amon.
youn. black men, here@s the answer: Don@t buy a .un. Don@t keep one in your house or car.
&o .uns layin. around means no .uns stolen to be resold in poor black nei.hborhoods.
5here8er you li8e, chances are that crime is at an all,time low. Chill out, sit back, and
enEoy the .ood life an unle8el playin. field has .i8en you. f you@re truly concerned about
your protection, .et a do.. /ad .uys .enerally don@t want to tussle with a craKy barkin.
animal with sharp teeth.
'ou don@t need a .un.
4+ >ose a;; the ;i-era; 5concern6 for -;ac9 peop;e+
)eally. /lack people are onto us. *hey know we say and do thin.s to make it look as if
pro.ress has been made. *hey see us workin. hard to show how not,preEudiced we are.
Skip it. 5e ha8en@t made real pro.ress. 5e@re still bi.ots3and they know it.
Cut the crap about all your Bblack friends.C 'ou don@t have black friends. : friend is
someone you ha8e o8er for dinner re.ularly, someone you .o on 8acation with, someone
you ask to be in your weddin. party, someone you .o to church with on Sunday, someone
you call often to share your most intimate secrets. 0hat kind of friend.
'our black BfriendsC know that the chances of your droppin. your toddler off with
them in their part of town while you .o on a weekend trip is about as .ood as your
in8itin. them to .o on the trip with you.
@8e heard liberals say dumb thin.s like, B*here are no black people on &riends.G (
li!e it that there are no black friends on
&riends) because in real life friends like that don7t ha8e black friends. t@s an honest,
belie8able show.
So let@s dispense with this ruse that blacks and whites are now all part of that bi. multi,
cultural Iuilt we call :merica. 5e li8e in our world, they li8e in theirs. :nd that@s what
we@8e .rown comfortable with, like it or not. *his wouldn@t be so bad if their world e9isted
on a financially and socially parallel plane. f it did, then we could Eust mi9 and min.le
howe8er we saw fit3as eIuals, the way we already do with other white people. For
instance, don@t ha8e much desire to han. out with 'oun. )epublicans. *hat@s okay,
because they@re .oin. to do Eust fine without me, and my decision not to associate with
them doesn@t affect their standard of li8in. or Iuality of life. Gn fact, it probably impro8es
it.H
sn@t it better not to coddle each other with the delusion that :frican,:mericans are
finally part of the mainstreamD sn@t it smarter to lift the 8eil of false hope we .i8e :frican,
:mericans, so that we don@t waste any time foolin. oursel8esD *he ne9t time you@re talkin.
to one of your Bblack friends,C instead of tellin. him how you@re really BdownC with the
new 7ay,U CD, why not put your arm around him and say, B lo8e ya, bro, you know that,
so .otta tell you a little secret we white people ha8e: 'our people aren@t e8er .oin. to
ha8e it as .ood as we do. :nd if you think workin. hard and tryin. to fit in is .oin. to .et
you a seat on the board of directors when we@8e already .ot our black seat filled well,
friend, if it@s eIuality and ad8ancement you seek, try Sweden.C
*he sooner we all start talkin. like that, the more honest a society we@ll all be li8in. in.
5+ >oo9 in the 'irror+
f you@re white, and you really want to help chan.e thin.s, why not start with yourselfD
Spend time with your fellow whiteys talkin. about what you can do to make the world a
little better for whites and :frican,:mericans alike. Stop the ne9t white person you hear
make a stupid racist comment and set him strai.ht. Fuit your whinin. about affirmati8e
action. &o black person is e8er .oin. to ruin your life by .ettin. the Eob you Bdeser8e.C *he
door will always open for you. 'our only duty is to hold it open for those who ha8e less of
a chance simply because they aren@t white.
$+ 8on&t 'arry *hitey+
f you@re white and you don@t like any of the abo8e ideas, or you think they@re
impractical, then there@s always one surefire way to help create a colorblind world3marry
a black person and ha8e yoursel8es some babiesA /lacks and whites makin. lo8e with each
other3instead of whites Eust screwin. blacks3will e8entually .i8e us a nation of one
color. G:nd Hispanics and :sians can play, tooAH 5ho@s your daddyD #8erybodyA
:nd when we@re all one color, we won@t ha8e anythin. to hate each other for3other
than who .ets stuck at that damn reception desk.
SC13%32> /%4S AO1 B>2.@ 4EO4>E
+ 8ri=in) Whi;e B;ac9F
Q Make yourself a less likely tar.et for dri8e,by racial profilin. by placin. a life,siKe,
inflatable white doll in the passen.er seat Gthe kind people use so they can dri8e in carpool,
only e9press lanesH. *he cops will probably think you@re a chauffeur and lea8e you alone.
Q *ry to a8oid drawin. any additional attention to yourself when Dri8in. 5hile /lack.
=eep your hands in the classic B!" and (C position on the wheel. /uckle your seat beltJ in
fact, buckle all seatbelts, whether or not there@s anyone else in the car. )emo8e any BHonk
f 'ou@re /lack *ooAC bumper stickersJ replace them with B -+;# HockeyAC
Q :8oid rentin. or dri8in. any car with &ew Hampshire, 6tah, or Maine license plates
3these states ha8e 8irtually no black residents, and it will of course be assumed that you@re
dri8in. a stolen 8ehicle andNor runnin. dru.s andNor carryin. weapons. +n second
thou.ht, cops make the same assumptions about black dri8ers in states with siKable black
populations. /etter idea: take the bus.
2+ Shoppin) Whi;e B;ac9F
Q f you want to a8oid bein. followed by shopkeepers who assume you@re .oin. to
shoplift or hold a .un to their heads while emptyin. the cash drawer, the solution is simple:
catalo.s and on<line sbopping5 *he beauty partD &o need to lea8e the comforts of your
home3and no more lon. waits for a parkin. spot at the mallA
Q f you must enter a store, for 4od@s sake lea8e your coat outsideA :ll those pockets
will s"rely end up .ettin. searched for stolen .oods3you@re Eust askin. to be arrested.
&eedless to say, lose the purses, shoppin. ba.s, and backpacks, too. /etter yet, do your
shoppin. in the nude. Sure, you mi.ht be subEected to the occasional body ca8ity search,
but that@s a small price to pay to e9ercise your 4od,.i8en ri.ht as a black :merican to buy
stuff and contribute some of the M$<( billion in your pockets that .oes to the white
economy e8ery year.
3+ 3otin) Whi;e B;ac9F
Q /ecause whites ha8e ri..ed our elections by ensurin. that the most ancient, ill,
functionin. 8otin. machines all find their way to the black precincts in town, don@t lea8e
the pollin. place unless you@8e personally seen your ballot marked the way you intended
and placed in the locked ballot bo9. f you use a 8otin. machine, ask the poll worker to
check the machine after you@8e 8oted to make sure your 8ote .ets counted.
/rin. whate8er tools you think you may need to see that your 8ote is recorded: &o. (
pencil, black marker, knittin. needle Gto make sure you don@t Eust impre.nate the ballot but
actually punch the holes all the way outH, %,in,! oil, pliers, the rest of your Sears Craftsman
tools, a ma.nifyin. .lass, a copy of the local election laws, a copy of your 8oter re.istration
card, a copy of your birth certificate, a copy of your second .rade report card, any other
proof that you@re still ali8e, a camera to record any funny business, a local reporter to show
her firsthand that you weren@t kiddin. when you said your pollin. place was shipped in
from /oli8ia, duct tape, strin., paraffin wa9, a /unsen burner, 5ite +ut, Shout stain
remo8er, a lawyer, a minister, a Eustice of the Supreme Court. 4et all those ducks in a row,
and there@s half a chance your 8ote will be counted.
Q n the (""( elections, 8ote for the Democratic or 4reen candidate for Con.ress. f Eust
fi8e seats chan.e party hands in fa8or of the Democrats, the Democrats will not only
control the House, but throu.h seniority nineteen black con.ressmen and women will
become chair of their House committee or subcommittee. &ineteenA *hat@s a black takeo8er
of the House of )epresentati8esA G5here 4reen Party candidates ha8e a chance of winnin.,
or in districts where the Democrat beha8es like a )epublican, an elected 4reen Party
con.resswoman will caucus with the Democrats to make up the maEority.H Don@t tell too
many white people about this one3the idea of a B/lack HouseC mi.ht really spook them
outA
4+ 0a=in) a :ood >au)h Whi;e B;ac9F
Q /rin. back those 5hites +nly si.ns from the !1$"s. 5hen nobody@s lookin., place
them on the doors of businesses that don@t hire blacks.
Q &onchalantly put one on the front,row seat in First Class ne9t time you .et on a plane.
Q Han. one on the front office of any maEor lea.ue team, or anywhere in the better seats
at any &/: .ame.
Q Plant one in the lawn in front of the 6nited States Supreme Court, and when Clarence
*homas walks by, Eust throw up your hands and say, B5hatDC
5+ Breathin) Whi;e B;ac9G
'ou may Eust .et to the point where you can@t take it anymore3the harassment, the
discrimination, the resentment, the utter sense that you don@t belon. in a nation so deeply
rooted in intolerance. 'ou may Eust feel like it@s time to .et the hell out and mo8e to a place
where bein. black doesn@t make you a minority a place that feels like home.
:fricaD /etter think twice.
Here@s what :mnesty nternational has to say about :frica: B:rmed conflict, mass
displacement of people, torture, ill treatment and endemic impunity continue to be rife in
the :frican re.ion.C :nd $( percent of the people in sub,Saharan :frica li8e on less than M!
a day. n !11> the a8era.e monthly e9penditure was only M!2 a person. *hat S worse than
li8in. in Detroit.
-ife e9pectancy in the re.ion is, at best, fifty,se8en years that is, if you li8e in 4hana. f
you@re stuck in MoKambiIue, you .et to li8e to the ripe old a.e of thirty,se8en and a half.
Couple this with seemin.ly ne8er,endin. drou.hts and famine and an o8erwhelmin.
percenta.e of the world@s :DS cases Gand deathsH, and suddenly it mi.ht look a lot easier
Eust to di. up some old naked photos of *rent -ott at a men@s,only "l@ Miss mi9er and force
his resi.nation Gphotos of +rrin Hatch, *om De-ay, and others would do Eust as wellH.
:my McCampbell, one of the numerous :frican,:mericans @8e hired since started
writin. this chapter Gfi8e of my last fi8e hires ha8e been black3hey, take this book out of
the humor section, ain@t kiddin. aroundAH, su..ests that for those who want to return to
their Bblack roots,C there@s only one way to .o3the CaribbeanA She says: BHow about
/arbadosD t@s a tropical paradiseJ the people are peaceful, and crime is none9istent. -ife
e9pectancy is well into the se8enties. #i.hty percent of the population is :frican, so we@d
feel ri.ht at home. *hey e8en speak #n.lishA :nd here@s the weird part3we@d .et to call
Fueen #liKabeth our head of state. 5hoaAC Sounds nice, huhD
t@d be nicer, thou.h, if we could make :my and others feel more at home ri.ht here
where they were born. @m open for su..estions....
.hapter 4 notes
4E0$4
Excerpt fro' the Aourteenth 2'end'ent
Section !. :ll persons born or naturaliKed in the 6nited States, and subEect to the
Eurisdiction thereof, are citiKens of the 6nited States and of the state wherein they reside.
&o state shall make or enforce any law which shall abrid.e the pri8ile.es or immunities of
citiKens of the 6nited StatesJ nor shall any state deprive any person of life, liberty, or
property, without due, process of lawJ nor deny to any person within its Eurisdiction the
eIual protection of the laws.
4E0"2
Excerpt fro' the Aedera; 3otin) 1i)hts 2ct of !$5 Gsuitable for laminatin. and
carryin. in your walletH
Section (: &o 8otin. Iualification or prereIuisite to 8otin., or standard, practice, or
procedure shall be imposed or applied to any State or political subdi8ision to deny or
abrid.e the ri.ht of any citi9en of the 6nited States to 8ote on account of race or color.
A%3E
%diot Nation
80 ?OC AEE> like you li8e in a nation of idiotsD
used to console myself about the state of stupidity in this country by repeatin. this to
myself: *ven if there are t#o h"ndred million stone<cold idiots in this
co"ntry) that leaves at least eighty million #ho7ll get #hat (7m saying6and
that7s still more than the pop"lations of the United /ingdom and (celand
combined5
*hen came the day found myself sharin. an office with the #SP& .ame show 0#o<
Min"te .rill. *his is the show that tests your knowled.e of not only who plays what
position for which team, but who hit what where in a !1($ .ame between /oston and &ew
'ork, who was rookie of the year in !10$ in the old :merican /asketball :ssociation, and
what 7ake 5ood had for breakfast the mornin. of May !(, !10<.
don@t know the answer to any of those Iuestions3but for some reason do remember
7ake 5ood@s uniform number: (. 5hy on earth am retainin. that useless factD
don@t know, but after watchin. scores of .uys waitin. to audition for that #SP& show,
think do know somethin. about intelli.ence and the :merican mind. Hordes of these
Eocks and lunkheads han. out in our hallway awaitin. their bi. moment, .oin. o8er
hundreds of facts and statistics in their heads and challen.in. each other with Iuestions
can@t see why anyone would be able to answer other than 4od :lmi.hty Himself. *o look a
these testosterone,loaded bruisers you would .uess that they were a bunch of illiterates who
would be lucky if they could read the label on a /ud.
n fact, they are .eniuses. *hey can answer all thirty obscure tri8ia Iuestions in less
than !(" seconds. *hat@s four seconds a Iuestion3includin. the time used by the slow,
readin. celebrity athletes who ask the Iuestions.
once heard the lin.uist and political writer &oam Chomsky say that if you want proof
the :merican people aren@t stupid, Eust turn on any sports talk radio show and listen to the
incredible retention of facts. t is amaKin.3and it@s proof that the :merican mind is ali8e
and well. t Eust isn@t challen.ed with anythin. interestin. or e9citin.. 1"r challen.e,
Chomsky said, was to find a way to make politics as .rippin. and en.a.in. as sports. 5hen
we do that, watch how :mericans will do nothin. but talk about who did what to whom at
the 5*+.
/ut first, they ha8e to be able to read the letters 5*+.
*here are forty,four million :mericans who cannot read and write abo8e a fourth,.rade
le8el3in other words, who are functional illiterates.
How did learn this statisticD 5ell, ( read) it. :nd now you@8e read it. So we@8e
already eaten into the mere 11 hours a year an a8era.e :merican adult spends readin. a
book3compared with !,20" hours watchin. tele8ision.
@8e also read that only !! percent of the :merican public bothers to read a daily
newspaper, beyond the funny pa.es or the used car ads.
So if you li8e in a country where forty,four million can@t read and perhaps close to
another two hundred million can read but usually don@t3well, friends, you and are li8in.
in one 8ery scary place. : nation that not only churns out illiterate students /6* 4+#S
+6* +F *S 5:' *+ )#M:& 4&+):&* :&D S*6PD is a nation that should not be
runnin. the world3at least not until a maEority of its citiKens can locate =oso8o Gor any
other country it has bombedH on the map.
t comes as no surprise to forei.ners that :mericans, who lo8e to re8el in their stupidity,
would BelectC a president who rarely reads anythin.3includin. his own briefin. papers3
and thinks :frica is a nation, not a continent. :n idiot leader of an idiot nation. n our
.lorious land of plenty, less is always more when it comes to ta9in. any lobe of the brain
with the intake of facts and numbers, critical thinkin., or the comprehension of anythin.
that isn@t ... well, sports.
+ur diot,in,Chief does nothin. to hide his i.norance3he e8en bra.s about it. Durin.
his commencement address to the 'ale Class of (""!, 4eor.e 5. /ush spoke proudly of
ha8in. been a mediocre student at 'ale. B:nd to the C students, say you, too, can be
President of the 6nited StatesAC *he part where you also need an e9,President father, a
brother as .o8ernor of a state with missin. ballots, and a Supreme Court full of your dad@s
buddies must ha8e been too complicated to bother with in a short speech.
:s :mericans, we ha8e Iuite a proud tradition of bein. represented by i.norant hi.h,
rankin. officials. n !1$0 President Dwi.ht D. #isenhower@s nominee as ambassador to
Ceylon Gnow Sri -ankaH was unable to identify either the country@s prime minister or its
capital durin. his Senate confirmation hearin.. &ot a problem3Ma9well 4luck was
confirmed anyway. n !1>! President )onald )ea.an@s nominee for deputy secretary of
state, 5illiam Clark, admitted to a wide,ran.in. lack of knowled.e about forei.n affairs at
his confirmation hearin.. Clark had no idea how our allies in 5estern #urope felt about
ha8in. :merican nuclear missiles based there, and didn@t know the names of the prime
ministers of South :frica or Uimbabwe. &ot to worry3he was confirmed, too. :ll this Eust
pa8ed the way for /aby /ush, who hadn@t Iuite absorbed the names of the leaders of ndia
or Pakistan, two of the se8en nations that possess the atomic bomb.
:nd /ush went to 'ale and Har8ard.
)ecently a .roup of $$0 seniors at fifty,fi8e presti.ious :merican uni8ersities Ge...,
Har8ard, 'ale, StanfordH were .i8en a multiple,choice test consistin. of Iuestions that were
described as Bhi.h school le8el.C *hirty,four Iuestions were asked. *hese top students
could only answer $ % percent of them correctly. :nd only one student .ot them all ri.ht.
: whoppin. 2" percent of these students did not know when the Ci8il 5ar took place3
e8en when .i8en a wide ran.e of choices: :. !<$",!>""J /. !>"",!>$"J C. !>$",!1""J D.
!1"",!1$"J or #. after !1$". K0he ans#er is C) g"ys.L *he two Iuestions the colle.e
seniors scored hi.hest on were G!H 5ho is Snoop Do..y Do.D G1> percent .ot that one
ri.htH, and G(H 5ho are /ea8is and /utt,headD G11 percent knewH. For my money, /ea8is
and /utt,head represented some of the best :merican satire of the nineties, and Snoop and
his fellow rappers ha8e much to say about :merica@s social ills, so @m not .oin. down the
road of blamin. M*;.
5hat ( am concerned with is why politicians like Senators 7oe -ieberman of
Connecticut and Herbert =ohl of 5isconsin want to .o after M*; when they are the ones
responsible for the massi8e failure of :merican education. 5alk into any public school, and
the odds are .ood that you@ll find o8erflowin. classrooms, leakin. ceilin.s, and
demoraliKed teachers. n ! out of 2 schools, you@ll find students Blearnin.C from te9tbooks
published in the !1>"s3or earlier.
5hy is thisD /ecause the political leaders3and the people who 8ote for them3ha8e
decided it@s a bi..er priority to build another bomber than to educate our children. *hey
would rather hold hearin.s about the depra8ity of a tele8ision show called :ac!ass than
about their own depra8ity in ne.lectin. our schools and children and maintainin. our title
as Dumbest Country on #arth.
hate writin. these words. ( love this bi. lu. of a country and the craKy people in it.
/ut when can tra8el to some backwater 8illa.e in Central :merica, as did back in the
ei.hties, and listen to a bunch of twel8e,year,olds tell me their concerns about the 5orld
/ank, .et the feelin. that something is lackin. in the 6nited States of :merica.
+ur problem isn@t Eust that our kids don@t know nothin@ but that the adults who pay their
tuition are no better. wonder what would happen if we tested the 6.S. Con.ress to see Eust
how much our representati8es know. 5hat if we were to .i8e a pop IuiK to the
commentators who cram our *;s and radios with all their nonstop nonsenseD How many
would they .et ri.htD
: while back, decided to find out. t was one of those Sunday mornin.s when the
choice on *; was the Parade of 'omes real estate show or 0he Mc3a"ghlin
4ro"p. f you like the sound of hyenas on De9edrine, of course, you .o with
Mc3a"ghlin. +n this particular Sunday mornin., perhaps as my punishment for not bein.
at Mass, was forced to listen to ma.aKine columnist Fred /arnes Gnow an editor at the
ri.ht,win. ?ee!ly Standard and cohost of the Fo9 &ews show 0he >elt#ay >oysL
whine on and on about the sorry state of :merican education, blamin. the teachers and
their e8il union for why students are doin. so poorly.
B*hese kids don@t e8en know what 0he (liad and 0he 1dyssey areAC he bellowed,
as the other panelists nodded in admiration at Fred@s noble lament.
*he ne9t mornin. called Fred /arnes at his 5ashin.ton office. BFred,C said, Btell me
what 0he (liad and 0he 1dyssey are.C
He started hemmin. and hawin.. B5ell, they@re ... uh ... you know ... uh ... okay, fine,
you .ot me3 don@t know what they@re about. Happy nowDC
&o, not really. 'ou@re one of the top *; pundits in :merica, seen e8ery week on your
own show and plenty of others. 'ou .ladly hawk your BwisdomC to hundreds of thousands
of unsuspectin. citiKens, .leefully scornin. others for their i.norance. 'et you and your
.uests know little or nothin. yoursel8es. 4row up, .et some books, and .o to your room.
'ale and Har8ard. Princeton and Dartmouth. Stanford and /erkeley. 4et a de.ree from
one of those uni8ersities, and you@re set for life. So what if, on that test of the colle.e
seniors pre8iously mentioned, <" percent of the students at those fine schools had ne8er
heard of the ;otin. )i.hts :ct or President -yndon 7ohnson@s 4reat Society initiati8esD
5ho needs to know stuff like that as you sit in your *uscan 8illa watchin. the sunset and
checkin. how well your portfolio did todayD
So what if not one of these top uni8ersities that the i.norant students attend reIuires
that they take e8en one course in :merican history to .raduateD 5ho needs history when
you are .oin. to be tomorrow@s master of the uni8erseD
5ho cares if <" percent of those who .raduate from :merica@s colle.es are not reIuired
to learn a forei.n lan.ua.eD sn@t the rest of the world speakin. #n.lish nowD :nd if they
aren@t, hadn@t all those damn forei.ners better 4#* 5*H *H# P)+4):MD
:nd who .i8es a rat@s ass if, out of the se8enty #n.lish -iterature pro.rams at se8enty
maEor :merican uni8ersities, only twenty,three now reIuire #n.lish maEors to take a course
in ShakespeareD Can somebody please e9plain to me what Shakespeare and #n.lish ha8e to
do with each otherD 5hat .ood are some moldy old plays .oin. to be in the business world,
anywayD
Maybe @m Eust Eealous because don@t ha8e a colle.e de.ree. 'es, , Michael Moore,
am a colle.e dropout.
5ell, ne8er officially dropped out. +ne day in my sophomore year, dro8e around and
around the 8arious parkin. lots of our commuter campus in Flint, searchin. desperately for
a parkin. space. *here simply was no place to park3e8ery spot was full, and no one was
lea8in.. :fter a frustratin. hour spent circlin. around in my L01 Che8y mpala, shouted
out the window, B*hat@s it, @m droppin. outAC dro8e home and told my parents was no
lon.er in colle.e.
B5hyDC they asked.
BCouldn@t find a parkin. spot,C replied, .rabbin. a )edpop and mo8in. on with the
rest of my life. ha8en@t sat at a school desk since.
My dislike of school started somewhere around the second month of first .rade. My
parents3and 4od /less *hem Fore8er for doin. this3had tau.ht me to read and write by
the time was four. So when entered St. 7ohn@s #lementary School, had to sit and fei.n
interest while the other kids, like robots, san., B:,/,C,D,#,F,4 ... &ow know my :/Cs,
tell me what you think of meAC #8ery time heard that line, wanted to scream out, BHere@s
what think of you3Iuit sin.in. that damn son.A Somebody .et me a *winkieAC
was bored beyond belief. *he nuns, to their credit, reco.niKed this, and one day Sister
7ohn Catherine took me aside and said that they had decided to skip me up to second .rade,
effecti8e immediately. was thrilled. 5hen .ot home e9citedly announced to my parents
that had already ad8anced a .rade in my first month of school. *hey seemed
underwhelmed by this new e8idence of my .enius. nstead they let out a B5H:* *H#3,C
then went into the kitchen and closed the door. could hear my mother on the phone
e9plainin. to the Mother Superior that there was no way her little Michael was .oin. to be
attendin. class with kids bi..er and older than him, so please, Sister, put him back in first
.rade.
was crushed. My mother e9plained to me that if skipped first .rade @d always be the
youn.est and littlest kid in class all throu.h my school years Gwell, inertia and fast food
e8entually pro8ed her wron. on that countH. *here would be no appeals to my father, who
left most education decisions to my mother, the 8aledictorian of her hi.h school class.
tried to e9plain that if was sent back to first .rade it would appear that (7d fl"n!ed
second .rade on my first day3puttin. myself at risk of ha8in. the crap beaten out of me
by the first .raders @d left behind with a rousin. BSee ya, suckersAC /ut Mom wasn@t
fallin. for itJ it was then learned that the only person with hi.her authority than Mother
Superior was Mother Moore.
*he ne9t day decided to i.nore all instructions from my parents to .o back to first
.rade. n the mornin., before the openin. bell, all the students had to line up outside the
school with their classmates and then march into the buildin. in sin.le file. Fuietly, but
defiantly, went and stood in the second .raders@ line, prayin. that 4od would strike the
nuns blind so they wouldn@t see which line was in. *he bell ran.3and no one had spotted
meA *he second .rade line started to mo8e, and went with it. 'esA thou.ht. (f ( can
p"ll this off, if can Eust .et into that second .rade classroom and take my seat, then
nobody will be able to .et me out of there. 7ust as was about to enter the door of the
school, felt a hand .rab me by the collar of my coat. t was Sister 7ohn Catherine.
B think you@re in the wron. line, Michael,C she said firmly. B'ou are now in first .rade
a.ain.C be.an to protest: my parents had it Ball wron.,C or Bthose weren@t really my
parents,C or ...
For the ne9t twel8e years sat in class, did my work, and remained constantly
preoccupied, lookin. for ways to bust out. started an under.round school paper in fourth
.rade. t was shut down. started it a.ain in si9th. t was shut down. n ei.hth .rade not
only started the paper a.ain, con8inced the .ood sisters to let me write a play for our class
to perform at the, Christmas pa.eant. *he play had somethin. to do with how many rats
occupied the parish hall and how all the rats in the country had descended on St. 7ohn@s
Parish Hall to ha8e their annual Brat con8ention.C *he priest put a stop to that one3and
shut down the paper a.ain. nstead, my friends and were told to .o up on sta.e and sin.
three Christmas carols and then lea8e the sta.e without utterin. a word. or.aniKed half the
class to .o up there and utter nothin.. So we stood there and refused to sin. the carols, our
silent protest a.ainst censorship. /y the second son., intimidated by the stern looks from
their parents in the audience, most of the protesters Eoined in on the sin.in.3and by the
third son., , too, had capitulated, Eoinin. in on B" Holy &i.ht,C and promisin. myself to
li8e to fi.ht another day.
Hi.h school, as we all know, is some sort of sick, sadistic punishment of kids by adults
seekin. 8en.eance because they can no lon.er lead the responsibility,free, screwin.,around
3(2N< li8es youn. people enEoy. 5hat other e9planation could there be for those four
brutal years of de.radin. comments, physical abuse, and the belief that you@re the only one
not ha8in. se9D
:s soon as entered hi.h school3and the public school system3all the .rousin. @d
done about the repression of the Sisters of St. 7oseph was for.ottenJ suddenly they all
looked like scholars and saints. was now walkin. the halls of a two,thousand,plus inmate
holdin. pen. 5here the nuns had de8oted their li8es to teachin. for no earthly reward,
those runnin. the public hi.h school had one simple mission: BHunt these little pricks down
like do.s, then ca.e them until we can either break their will or ship them off to the .lue
factoryAC Do this, don@t do that, tuck your shirt in, wipe that smile off your face, where@s
your hall pass, *H:*@S *H# 5)+&4 PASS5 -1U6.*0*0(155
+ne day came home from school and picked up the paper. *he headline read: B(0th
:mendment Passes3;otin. :.e -owered to !>.C /elow that was another headline:
BSchool /oard President to )etire, Seat 6p for #lection.C
Hmm. called the county clerk.
B6h, @m .onna be ei.hteen in a few weeks. f can 8ote, does that mean can also
run for officeDC
B-et me see,C the lady replied. B*hat@s a new IuestionAC
She ruffled throu.h some papers and came back on the phone. B'es,C she said, Byou can
run. :ll you need to do is .ather twenty si.natures to place your name on the ballot.C
*wenty si.naturesD *hat@s itD had no idea runnin. for electi8e office reIuired so little
work. .ot the twenty si.natures, submitted my petition, and started campai.nin.. My
platformD BFire the hi.h school principal and the assistant principalAC
:larmed at the idea that a hi.h school student mi.ht actually find a le.al means to
remo8e the 8ery administrators he was bein. paddled by, fi8e local BadultsC took out
petitions and .ot themsel8es added to the ballot, too.
+f course, they ended up splittin. the older adult 8ote fi8e ways3and won, .ettin.
the 8ote of e8ery sin.le stoner between the a.es of ei.hteen and twenty,fi8e Gwho, thou.h
many would probably ne8er 8ote a.ain, relished the thou.ht of sendin. their hi.h school
wardens to the .allowsH.
*he day after won, was walkin. down the hall at school G had one more week to
ser8e out as a studentH, and passed the assistant principal, my shirt tail proudly untucked.
B4ood mornin., Mr. Moore,C he said tersely. *he day before, my name had been BHey
3'ouAC &ow was his boss.
5ithin nine months after took my seat on the school board, the principal and assistant
principal had submitted their Bletters of resi.nation,C a face,sa8in. de8ice employed when
one is BaskedC to step down. : couple of years later the principal suffered a heart attack and
died.
had known this man, the principal, for many years. 5hen was ei.ht years old, he
used to let me and my friends skate and play hockey on this little pond beside his house. He
was kind and .enerous, and always left the door to his house open in case any of us needed
to chan.e into our skates or if we .ot cold and Eust wanted to .et warm. 'ears later, was
asked to play bass in a band that was formin., but didn@t own a bass. He let me borrow his
son@s.
offer this to remind myself that all people are actually .ood at their core, and to
remember that someone with whom .rew to ha8e serious disputes was also someone with
a free cup of hot chocolate for us shi8erin. little brats from the nei.hborhood.
*eachers are now the politicians@ fa8orite punchin. ba.. *o listen to the likes of Chester
Finn, a former assistant secretary of education in /ush the #lder@s administration, you@d
think all that has crumbled in our society can be traced back to la9, laKy, and incompetent
teachers. Bf you put out a *en,Most,5anted list of who@s killin. :merican education, @m
not sure who you would ha8e hi.her on the list: the teachers@ union or the education school
faculties,C Finn said.
Sure, there are a lot of teachers who suck, and they@d be better suited to makin.
telemarketin. calls for :mway. /ut the 8ast maEority are dedicated educators who ha8e
chosen a profession that pays them less than what some of their students earn sellin.
#cstasy, and for that sacrifice we seek to punish them. don@t know about you, but want
the people who ha8e the direct attention of my child more hours a day than do treated with
tender lo8in. care. *hose are my kids they@re Bpreparin.C for this world, so why on earth
would want to piss them offD
'ou would think society@s attitude would be somethin. like this:
0eachers) than! yo" so m"ch for devoting yo"r life to my child. (s there
A-0'(4 ( can do to help yo"; (s there A-0'(4 yo" need; ( am
here for yo". ?hy; >eca"se yo" are helping my child6M- >A>-6learn
and gro#. ot only #ill yo" be largely responsible for her ability to ma!e a
living) b"t yo"r infl"ence #ill greatly affect ho# she vie#s the #orld) #hat
she !no#s abo"t other people in this #orld) and ho# she #ill feel abo"t
herself. ( #ant her to believe she can attempt anything6that no doors are
closed and that no dreams are too distant. ( am entr"sting the most val"able
person in my life to yo" for seven ho"rs each day. -o") are th"s) one of the
most important people in my life5 0han! yo".
&o, instead, this is what teachers hear:
Q B'ou@8e .ot to wonder about teachers who claim to put the interests of children first3
and then look to milk the System dry throu.h wa.e hikes.C Ke# -or! Post)
12M2BM00L
Q B#stimates of the number of bad teachers ran.e from $ percent to !> percent of the
2.B million total.C GMichael Chapman, (nvestor7s >"siness .aily) CM21MCAL
Q BMost education professionals belon. to a closed community of de8otees ... who
follow popular philosophies rather than research on what works.C GDou.las Carminen,
Iuoted in the Montreal 4a9ette) 1MBM01L
Q B*eachers unions ha8e .one to bat for felons and teachers who ha8e had se9 with
students, as well as those who simply couldn@t teach.C GPeter SchweiKen, ational
2evie#) AM1DMCAL
5hat kind of priority do we place on education in :mericaD +h, it@s on the fundin. list
3somewhere down between +SH: and meat inspectors. *he person who cares for our
child e8ery day recei8es an a8era.e of M2!,%$! annually. : Con.ressman who cares only
about which tobacco lobbyist is takin. him to dinner toni.ht recei8es M!2$,!"".
Considerin. the face,slappin. society .i8es our teachers on a daily basis, is it any
wonder so few choose the professionD *he national teacher shorta.e is so bi. that some
school systems are recruitin. teachers outside the 6nited States. Chica.o recently recruited
and hired teachers from twenty,ei.ht forei.n countries, includin. China, France, and
Hun.ary. /y the time the new term be.ins in &ew 'ork City, se8en thousand 8eteran
teachers will ha8e retired3and B0 percent of the new teachers hired to replace them are
uncertified.
/ut here@s the kicker for me: !0% &ew 'ork City schools opened the (""",(""! school
year #itho"t a principal5 'ou heard ri.ht3school, with no one in charge.
:pparently the mayor and the school board are e9perimentin. with chaos theory3throw
fi8e hundred poor kids into a crumblin. buildin., and watch nature take its courseA n the
city from which most of the wealth in the world is controlled, where there are more
millionaires per sIuare foot than there is .um on the sidewalk, we somehow can@t find the
money to pay a startin. teacher more than M%!,1"" a year. :nd we act surprised when we
can@t .et results.
:nd it@s not Eust teachers who ha8e been ne.lected3:merican schools are literally
fallin. apart. n !111 one,Iuarter of 6.S. public schools reported that the condition of at
least one of their buildin.s was inadeIuate. n !11< the entire 5ashin.ton, D.C., school
system had to delay the start of school for three weeks because nearly one<third of the
schools were found to be unsafe.
:lmost !" percent of 6.S. public schools ha8e enrollments that are more than ($
percent .reater than the capacity of their permanent buildin.s. Classes ha8e to be held in
the hallways, outdoors, in the .ym, in the cafeteriaJ one school 8isited e8en held classes in
a Eanitor@s closet. t@s not as if the Eanitor@s closets are bein. used for anythin. related to
cleanin., anyway3in &ew 'ork City almost !$ percent of the ele8en hundred public
schools are without full,time custodians, forcin. teachers to mop their own floors and
students to do without toilet paper. 5e already send our kids out into the street to hawk
candy bars so their schools can buy band instruments3what@s ne9tD Car washes to raise
money for toilet paperD
Further proof of Eust how special our little offsprin. are is the number of public and
e8en school libraries that ha8e been shut down or had their hours cut back. *he last thin.
we need is a bunch of kids han.in. out around a bunch of booksA
:pparently BPresidentC /ush a.rees: in his first bud.et he proposed cuttin. federal
spendin. on libraries by M%1 million, down to M!0> million3a nearly !1 percent reduction.
7ust the week before, his wife, former school librarian -aura /ush, kicked off a national
campai.n for :merica@s libraries, callin. them Bcommunity treasure chests, loaded with a
wealth of information a8ailable to e8eryone, eIually.C *he President@s mother, /arbara
/ush, heads the Foundation for Family -iteracy. 5ell, there@s nothin. like ha8in. firsthand
e9perience with illiteracy in the family to moti8ate one into acts of charity.
For kids who are e9posed to books at home, the loss of a library is sad. /ut for kids
who come from en8ironments where people don@t read, the loss of a library is a tra.edy that
mi.ht keep them from e8er disco8erin. the Eoys of readin.3or from .atherin. the kind of
information that will decide their lot in life. 7onathan =oKol, for decades an ad8ocate for
disad8anta.ed children, has obser8ed that school libraries Bremain the clearest window to a
world of noncommercial satisfactions and enticements that most children in poor
nei.hborhoods will e8er know.C
=ids depri8ed of access to .ood libraries are also bein. kept from de8elopin. the
information skills they need to keep up in workplaces that are increasin.ly dependent on
rapidly chan.in. information. *he ability to conduct research is Bprobably the most
essential skill Otoday@s studentsP can ha8e,C says 7ulie 5alker, e9ecuti8e director of the
:merican :ssociation of School -ibrarians. B*he knowled.e OstudentsP acIuire in school is
not .oin. to ser8e them throu.hout their lifetimes. Many of them will ha8e four to fi8e
careers in a lifetime. t will be their ability to na8i.ate information that will matter.C
5ho@s to blame for the decline in librariesD 5ell, when it comes to school libraries, you
can start by pointin. the fin.er G'es, that fin.erH at )ichard &i9on. From the !10"s until
!1<2, school libraries recei8ed specific fundin. from the .o8ernment. /ut in !1<2the
&i9on administration chan.ed the rules, stipulatin. that federal education money be doled
out in Bblock .rantsC to be spent by states howe8er they chose. Few states chose to spend
the money on libraries, and the downslide be.an. *his is one reason that materials in many
school libraries today date from the !10"s and early !1<"s, before fundin. was di8erted.
GB&o, Sally, the So8iet 6nion isn@t our enemy. *he So8iet 6nion has been kaput for ten
years....CH
*his !111 account by an *d"cation ?ee! reporter about the BlibraryC at a
Philadelphia elementary school could apply to any number of similarly ne.lected schools:
#8en the best books in the library at *. M. Pierce #lementary School are dated, tattered,
and discolored. *he worst3many in a latter sta.e of disinte.ration3are dirty and fetid and
lea8e a moldy residue on hands and clothin.. Chairs and tables are old, mismatched, or
broken. *here isn@t a computer in si.ht.... +utdated facts and theories and offensi8e
stereotypes leap from the authoritati8e pa.es of encyclopedias and bio.raphies, fiction and
nonfiction tomes. :mon. the 8olumes on these shel8es a student would find it all but
impossible to locate accurate information on :DS or other contemporary diseases,
e9plorations of the moon and Mars, or the past fi8e 6.S. presidents.
*he ultimate irony in all of this is that the 8ery politicians who refuse to fund education
in :merica adeIuately are the same ones who .o ballistic o8er how our kids ha8e fallen
behind the 4ermans, the 7apanese, and Eust about e8ery other country with runnin. water
and an economy not based on the sale of Chiclets. Suddenly they want Baccountability.C
*hey want the teachers held responsible and to be tested. :nd they want the kids to be
tested3o8er and o8er and o8er.
*here@s nothin. terribly wron. with the concept of usin. standardiKed testin. to
determine whether kids are learnin. to read and write and do math. /ut too many
politicians and education bureaucrats ha8e created a national obsession with testin., as if
e8erythin. that@s wron. with the educational system in this country would be ma.ically
fi9ed if we could Eust raise those scores.
*he people who really should be tested Gbesides the yammerin. punditsH are the so,
called political leaders. &e9t time you see your state representati8e or con.ressman, .i8e
him this pop IuiK3and remind him that any future pay raises will be based on how well he
scores:
!. 5hat is the annual pay of your a8era.e constituentD
(. 5hat percent of welfare recipients are childrenD
%. How many known species of plants and animals are on the brink of e9tinctionD
2. How bi. is the hole in the oKone layerD
$. 5hich :frican countries ha8e a lower infant mortality rate than DetroitD
0. How many :merican cities still ha8e two competin. newspapersD
<. How many ounces in a .allonD
>. 5hich do stand a .reater chance of bein. killed by: a .un shot in school or a bolt of
li.htnin.D
1. 5hat@s the only state capital without a McDonald@sD
!". Describe the story of either 0he (liad or 0he 1dyssey.
2NSWE1S
!. M(>,$2>
(. 0< percent
%. !!,"20
2. !".$ million sIuare miles
$. -ibya, Mauritius, Seychelles
0. %2
<. !(> ounces
>. 'ou@re twice as likely to be killed by li.htnin. as by a .unshot in school.
1. Montpelier, ;ermont
10. 0he (liad is an ancient 4reek epic poem by Homer about the *roEan 5ar. 0he
1dyssey is another epic poem by Homer recountin. the ten,year Eourney home from the
*roEan 5ar made by +dysseus, the kin. of thaca.
Chances are, the .enius representin. you in the le.islature won@t score $" percent on
the abo8e test. *he .ood news is that you .et to flunk him within a year or two.
*here is one .roup in the country that isn@t Eust sittin. around carpin. about all them
lamebrain teachers3a .roup that cares deeply about what kinds of students will enter the
adult world. 'ou could say they ha8e a 8ested interest in this capti8e audience of millions
of youn. people... or in the billions of dollars they spend each year. G*eena.ers alone spent
more than M!$" billion last year.H 'es, it@s Corporate :merica, whose .enerosity to our
nation@s schools is Eust one more e9ample of their continuin. patriotic ser8ice.
7ust how committed are these companies to our children@s schoolsD
:ccordin. to numbers collected by the Center for the :nalysis of Commercialism in
#ducation GC:C#H, their selfless charity has seen a tremendous boom since !11". +8er the
past ten years, school pro.rams and acti8ities ha8e seen corporate sponsorship increase by
(2> percent. n e9chan.e for this sponsorship, schools allow the corporation to associate its
name with the e8ents.
For e9ample, #ddie /auer sponsors the final round of the &ational 4eo.raphy /ee.
/ook co8ers featurin. Cal8in =lein and &ike ads are distributed to students. &ike and other
shoemakers, lookin. for early access to tomorrow@s stars, sponsor inner,city hi.h school
basketball teams.
PiKKa Hut set up its B/ook,tAC pro.ram to encoura.e children to read. 5hen students
meet the monthly readin. .oal, they are rewarded with a certificate for a PiKKa Hut personal
pan piKKa. :t the restaurant, the store mana.er personally con.ratulates the children and
.i8es them each a sticker and a certificate. PiKKa Hut su..ests school principals place a
BPiKKa Hut /ook,tAC honor roll list in the school for e8eryone to see.
4eneral Mills and Campbell@s Soup thou.ht up a better plan. nstead of .i8in. free
rewards, they both ha8e pro.rams rewardin. schools for .ettin. parents to buy their
products. 6nder 4eneral Mills@s B/o9 *ops for #ducationC pro.ram, schools .et ten cents
for each bo9 top lo.o they send in, and can earn up to M!",""" a year. *hat@s !"","""
4eneral Mills products sold. Campbell@s Soup@s B-abels for #ducationC pro.ram is no
better. t touts itself as BPro8idin. :merica@s children with F)## school eIuipmentAC
Schools can earn one BfreeC :pple iMac computer for only 12,1$" soup labels. Campbell@s
su..ests settin. a .oal of a label a day from each student. 5ith Campbell@s conser8ati8e
estimate of fi8e labels per week per child, all you need is a school of $(> kids to .et that
free computer.
t@s not Eust this kind of sponsorship that brin.s these schools and corporations to.ether.
*he !11"s saw a phenomenal !,%>2 percent increase in e9clusi8e a.reements between
schools and soft,drink bottlers. *wo hundred and forty school districts in thirty,one states
ha8e sold e9clusi8e ri.hts to one of the bi. three soda companies GCoca,Cola, Pepsi, Dr.
PepperH to push their products in schools. :nybody wonder why there are more o8erwei.ht
kids than e8er beforeD +r more youn. women with calcium deficiencies because they@re
drinkin. less milkD :nd e8en thou.h federal law prohibits the sale of soft drinks in schools
until lunch periods be.in, in some o8ercrowded schools BlunchC be.ins in midmornin..
:rtificially fla8ored carbonated su.ar water3the breakfast of championsA Gn March (""!
Coke responded to public pressure, announcin. that it would add water, Euice, and other
su.ar,free, caffeine,free, and calcium,rich alternati8es to soda to its school 8endin.
machines.H
.uess they can afford such concessions when you consider their deal with the
Colorado Sprin.s school district. Colorado has been a trailblaKer when it comes to tie,ins
between e schools and soft drink companies. n Colorado Sprin.s, the district will recei8e
M>.2 million o8er ten years from its deal with Coca,Cola3and more if it e9ceeds its
BreIuirementC of sellin. se8enty thousand cases of Coke products a year. *o ensure e le8els
are met, school district officials ur.ed principals to allow students unlimited access to Coke
machines and allow students to drink Coke in the classroom.
/ut Coke isn@t alone. n the 7efferson County, Colorado, school district Ghome of
Columbine Hi.h SchoolH, Pepsi contributed M!.$ million to help build a new sports
stadium. Some county schools tested a science course, de8eloped in part by Pepsi, called
B*he Carbonated /e8era.e Company.C Students taste,tested colas, analyKed cola samples,
watched a 8ideo tour of a Pepsi bottlin. plant, and 8isited a local plant.
*he school district in 5ylie, *e9as, si.ned a deal in !110 that shared the ri.hts to sell
soft drinks in the schools between Coke and Dr. Pepper. #ach company paid M%!,""" a
year. *hen, in !!",the county chan.ed its mind and si.ned a deal with Coke worth M!.(
million o8er fifteen years. Dr. Pepper sued the county for breach of contract. *he school
district bou.ht out Dr. Pepper@s contract, costin. them M!0","""3plus another M(",""" in
le.al fees.
t@s not Eust the companies that sometimes .et sent packin.. Students who lack the
proper corporate school spirit do so at considerable risk. 5hen Mike Cameron wore a Pepsi
shirt on BCoke DayC at 4reenbrier Hi.h School in #8ans, 4eor.ia, he was suspended for a
day. BCoke DayC was part of the school@s entry in a national B*eam 6p 5ith Coca,ColaC
contest, which awards M!",""" to the hi.h school that comes up with the best Plan for
distributin. Coke discount cards. 4reenbrier school officials said Cameron was suspended
for Bbein. disrupti8e and tryin. to destroy the school pictureC when he remo8ed an outer
shirt and re8ealed the Pepsi shirt as a photo.raph was bein. taken of students posed to spell
out the word Co!e. Cameron said the shirt was 8isible all day, but he didn@t .et in trouble
until posin. for the picture. &o slouch in the marketin. department, Pepsi Iuickly sent the
hi.h school senior a bo9 of Pepsi shirts and hats.
f turnin. the students into billboards isn@t enou.h, schools and corporations sometimes
turn the school itself into one .iant neon si.n for corporate :merica. :ppropriation of
school space, includin. scoreboards, rooftops, walls, and te9tbooks, for corporate lo.os and
ad8ertisin. is up $%1 percent.
Colorado Sprin.s, not satisfied to sell its soul only to CocaCola, has plastered its school
buses with ad8ertisements for
/ur.er =in., 5endy@s, and other bi. companies. Free book co8ers and school planners
with ads for =ello..@s Pop,*arts and pictures of F+? *; personalities were also handed
out to the students.
:fter members of the 4rape8ine,Colley8ille ndependent School District in *e9as
decided they didn@t want ad8ertisements in the classrooms, they allowed Dr. Pepper and <,
6p lo.os to be painted on the rooftops of two hi.h schools. *he two hi.h schools, not
coincidentally, lie under the Dallas airport fli.ht path.
*he schools aren@t Eust lookin. for ways to ad8ertiseJ they@re also concerned with the
students@ perceptions of 8arious products. *hat@s why, in some schools, companies conduct
market research in classrooms durin. school hours. #ducation Market )esources of =ansas
reports that Bchildren respond openly and easily to Iuestions and stimuliC in the classroom
settin.. G+f course, that@s what they@re s"pposed to be doin. in a classroombut for their
own benefit, not that of some corporate pollsters.H Fillin. out marketin. sur8eys instead of
learnin., howe8er, is probably not what they should be doin..
Companies ha8e also learned they can reach this confined audience by Bsponsorin.C
educational materials. *his practice, like the others, has e9ploded as well, increasin. !,><$
percen t since !11".
*eachers ha8e shown a Shell +il 8ideo that teaches students that the way to e9perience
nature is by dri8in. there3after fillin. your 7eep@s .as tank at a Shell station. #99onMobil
prepared lesson plans about the flourishin. wildlife in Prince 5illiam Sound, site of the
ecolo.ical disaster caused by the oil spill from the #99on Falde9. A third,.rade math
book features e9ercises in8ol8in. countin. *ootsie )olls. : Hershey@s,sponsored
curriculum used in many schools features B*he Chocolate Dream Machine,C includin.
lessons in math, scienceJ .eo.raphy3and nutrition.
n a number of hi.h schools, the economics course is supplied by 4eneral Motors.
4Mwrites and pro8ides the te9tbooks and the course outline. Students learn from 4M7 s
e9ample the benefits of capitalism and how to operate a company3like 4M.
:nd what better way to imprint a corporate lo.o on the country@s children than throu.h
tele8ision and the nternet beamed directly into the classroom. #lectronic marketin., where
a company pro8ides pro.rammin. or eIuipment to schools for the ri.ht to ad8ertise to their
students, is up !%1 percent.
+ne e9ample is the UapMeA Corporation, which pro8ides schools with a free computer
lab and access to pre,selected 5eb sites. n return, schools must promise that the lab will be
in use at least four hours a day. *he catchD *he UapMeA 5eb browser has constantly
scrollin. ad8ertisements3and the company .ets to collect information on students@
browsin. habits, information they can then sell to other companies.
Perhaps the worst of the electronic marketers is Channel +ne *ele8ision. #i.ht million
students in !(,""" classrooms watch Channel +ne, an in,school news and advertising
pro.ram, e8ery day. G*hat@s ri.ht: #;#)' day.H =ids are spendin. the eIui8alent of si9 full
school days a year watchin. Channel +ne in almost 2" percent of 6.S. middle and hi.h
schools. nstructional time lost to the ads aloneD +ne entire day per year. *hat translates
into an annual cost to ta9payers of more than M!.> billion.
Sure, doctors and educators a.ree that our kids can ne8er watch enou.h *; :nd there@s
probably : place in school for some tele8ision pro.rams3 ha8e fond memories of
watchin. astronauts blastin. off on the tele8ision rolled into my .rade school auditorium.
/ut out of the Bdaily twel8e,minute Channel +ne broadcasts, only (" percent of the airtime
is de8oted to stories about politics, the economy, and cultural and social issues.
*hat lea8es a whoppin. >" percent for ad8ertisin., sports, weather, features, and
Channel +ne promotions.
Channel +ne is disproportionately shown in schools in low income communities with
lar.e minority populations, where the least money is a8ailable for education, and where the
least amount is spent on te9tbooks and other academic materials. +nce these districts
recei8e corporate handouts, .o8ernment@s failure to pro8ide adeIuate school fundin. tends
to remain unaddressed.
For most of us, the only time we enter an :merican hi.h school is to 8ote at our local
precinct. G*here@s an irony if there e8er was one3.oin. to participate in democracy@s
sacred ritual while two thousand students in the same buildin. li8e under some sort of
totalitarian dictatorship.H *he halls are packed with burned,out teena.ers shufflin. from
class to class, daKed and confused, wonderin. what the hell they@re doin. there. *hey learn
how to re.ur.itate answers the state wants them to .i8e, and any attempt to be an indi8idual
is now .rounds for bein. suspected to be a member of the trench coat mafia. 8isited a
school recently, and some students asked me if noticed that they and the other students in
the school were all wearin. white or some neutral color. &obody dares wear black, or
anythin. else wild and distinct. *hat@s a sure ticket to the principal@s office3where the
school psycholo.ist will be waitin. to ascertain whether that -imp /iKkit shirt you ha8e on
means that you intend to shoot up Miss &elson@s fourth hour .eometry class.
So the kids learn to submer.e any personal e9pression. *hey learn that it@s better to .o
alon. so that you .et alon.. *hey learn that to rock the boat could .et them rocked ri.ht out
of the school. Don@t Iuestion authority. Do as you@re told. Don@t think, Eust do as say.
+h, and ha8e a .ood and producti8e life as an acti8e, well adEusted participant in our
thri8in. democracyA
H+5 *+ /# : S*6D#&* S6/;#)S;# &S*#:D +F : S*6D#&*
S6/S#);#&*
*here are many ways you can fi.ht back at your hi.h school and ha8e fun while doin.
it. *he key thin. is to learn what all the rules are, and what your ri.hts are by law and by
school district policy. *his will help to pre8ent you .ettin. in the kind of trouble you don@t
need.
t may also .et you some cool perks. Da8id Schankula, a colle.e student who has
helped me on this book, recalls that when he was in hi.h school in =entucky, he and his
buddies found some obscure state law that said any student who reIuests a day off to .o to
the state fair must be .i8en the day off. *he state le.islature probably passed this law years
a.o to help some farm kid take his priKe ho. to the fair without bein. penaliKed at school.
/ut the law was still on the books, and it .a8e any student the ri.ht to reIuest the state fair
day off3re.ardless of the reason. So you can ima.ine the look on the principal@ face when
Da8id and his city friends submitted their reIuest for their free day off from school3and
there was nothin. the principal could do.
Here@s a few more thin.s you can do:
+ Moc9 the 3ote+
Student council and class elections are the bi..est smokescreen the school throws up,
fosterin. the illusion that you actually ha8e any say in the runnin. of the school. Most
students who run for these offices either take the charade too seriously3or they Eust think
it@ll took .ood on their colle.e applications.
So why not ran yourselfD )un Eust to ridicule the whole ridiculous e9ercise. Form your
own party, 5ith its own stupid name. Campai.n on wild promises: (f elected) (7ll
change the school mascot to an amoeba) or (f elected) (7ll insist that the
principal m"st first eat the school l"nch each day before it is fed to the
st"dents. Put up banners with cool slo.ans: B;ote for me3a real loserAC
f you .et elected, you can de8ote your ener.ies to accomplishin. thin.s that will dri8e
the administration craKy, but help out your fellow students Gdemands for free condoms,
student e8aluations of teachers, less homework so you can .et to bed by midni.ht, etcH.
2+ Start a Schoo; .;u-+
'ou ha8e a ri.ht to do this. Find a sympathetic teacher to sponsor it. *he Pro,Choice
Club. *he Free Speech Club. *he nte.rate +ur *own Club. Make e8ery member a
BpresidentC of the club, so they all can claim it on their colle.e applications. +ne student
know tried to start a Feminist Club, but the principal wouldn@t allow it because then they@d
be obli.ed to .i8e eIual time to a Male Chau8inist Club. *hat@s the kind of idiot thinkin.
you@ll encounter, but don@t .i8e up. GHeck, if you find yourself in that situation, Eust say
fine3and su..est the that principal could sponsor the Chau8inist Club.H
3+ >aunch ?our O*n Ne*spaper or We-(ine+
'ou ha8e a constitutionally protected ri.ht to do this. f you take care not to be obscene,
or libelous, or .i8e them any reason to shut you down, this can be a .reat way to .et the
truth out about what@s happenin. at your school. 6se humor. *he students will lo8e it.
4+ :ot %n=o;=ed in the .o''unity+
4o to the school board meetin.s and inform them what@s .oin. on in the school.
Petition them to chan.e thin.s. *hey will try to i.nore you or make you sit throu.h a lon.,
borin. meetin. before they let you speak, but they ha8e to let you speak. 5rite letters to the
editor of your local paper. :dults don@t ha8e a clue about what .oes on in your hi.h school.
Fill them in. More than likely you@ll find someone there who@ll support you.
:ny or all of this will raise Iuite a ruckus, but there@s help out there if you need it.
Contact the local :merican Ci8il -iberties 6nion if the school retaliates. *hreaten lawsuits
3school administrators H:*# to hear that word. Eust remember: there@s no .reater
satisfaction than seein. the took on your principal@s face when you ha8e the upper hand.
6se it.
:nd &e8er For.et *his:
0here (s o Permanent 2ecord5
.hapter 5 notes
5E0"!
-ist of -eaders of Fifty -ar.est Countries
Gin order of country@s siKeH
!. CH&:
President 7ian. Uemin
(. &D:
President =ocherit )aman &arayanan
%. 6&*#D S*:*#S
BPresidentB4eor.e 5. /ush
2. &D+&#S:
President Me.awati Sukarnoputri
$. /):U-
President Fernando HenriIue Cardoso
0. )6SS:
President ;ladimir Putin
<. P:=S*:&
4eneral Per8eK Musharraf
>./:&4-:D#SH
President Shahabuddin :hmed
1.7:P:&
Prime Minister 7unichiro =oiKumi
!". &4#):
President +luse.un +basanEo
!!. M#?C+
President ;icente Fo9 Fuesada
!(. 4#)M:&'
Chancellor 4erhard Schroder
!%. PH-PP&#S
President 4loria Macapa.al,:rroyo
!2. ;#*&:M
President *ran Duc -uon.
!$. #4'P*
President Mohammed Hosni Mubarak
!0. *6)=#'
President :hmet &ecdet SeKer
!<. ):&
:yatollah :li Hoseini,=hamemei,
President Mohammad =hatami
!>. #*H+P:
President &e.asso 4idada
!1. *H:-:&D
Prime Minister *haksin Chinnawat
(". 6&*#D =&4D+M
Prime Minister :nthony C. -. /lair
(!. F):&C#
President 7acIues Chirac
((.taly
Prime Minister Sil8io /erlusconi
(%. C+&4+ G=&SH:S:H
President 7oseph =abila
(2. 6=):&#
President -eonid D. =uchma
($. S+6*H =+)#:
President =im Dae,Eun.
(0. South :F)C:
President *habo Mbelki
(<. /6)M:
Prime Minister *han Shwe
(>. SP:&
President 7ose Maria:Knar
(1. C+-+M/:
President :ndres Pastrana
%".P+-:&D
Presided :leksander =wasniewski
%!.:)4#&*&:
President Fernando de la )ua
%(. *:&U:&:
President /enEamin 5iliam Mkapa
%%. S6D:&
President -t. 4en. +mar el,/ashir
%2. C:&:D:
Prime Minister 7ean Chretien
%$. :-4#):
President :bdelaKiK /outeflika
%0. =#&':
President Daniel arap Moi
%<.M+)+CC"
Prime Minister :bderrahmane 'oussoufi
%>.P#)6
President :leEandro *oledo
%1. :F4H:&S*:&
Mullah Mohammed )abbari
2+.6U/#=S*:&
President slam =arimo8
2l. &#P:-
=in. 4yanendra, Prime Minister
Sher /ahadur Derba
2(.;#&#U6#-:
President Hu.o Cha8eK Frias
2%. 64:&D:
President -t 4en. 'oweri Muse8eni
22. ):F
President Saddam Hussein
2$. )+M:&:
President on liescu
20. *:5:&
President Chen Shui,bian
2<. S:6D :):/:
=in. Fahd bin :bd al,:KiK :l Saud
2>. M:-:'S:
Prime Minister Dr. Mahathir bin
Mohamed
21. &+)*H =+)#:
President ;im 7on. l
$". 4H:&:
Presidiint7ohn :.yekum =ufuor
5E0!3
%'portant 8ates in 0istory
:"ne 1C) 1AB+= B7uneteenth.C :lthou.h the #mancipation Proclamation had freed the
sla8es two years earlier, the word hadn@t .otten to e8eryone in the South. +n this day in
4al8eston, *e9as, a 6nion .eneral arri8ed and officially informed the sla8es of their
freedom.
.ecember 2C) 1AC0. Massacre at 5ounded =nee. :s part of one last effort to Iuell
the one remainin. ndian rebellion, 6.S. troops were sent out to arrest /i. Foot, the chief of
the Siou9 ndian tribe. Members of the tribe were captured, forced to .i8e up their arms,
and mo8ed into a camp surrounded by the 6.S. troops. +n the mornin. of December (1,
the soldiers opened fire on the ndian camp and three hundred unarmed Siou9, includin.
/i. Foot, were killed. t was the last battle in the four,hundred,year campai.n of .enocide
a.ainst the &ati8e :mericans.
May 1A) 1ACB. n Plessy 8. &erg"son) the 6.S. Supreme Court decided that inferior
accommodations for blacks on railroad cars did not constitute a 8iolation of the eIual
protection clause of the Fourteenth :mendment. *he decision pa8ed the way for the
Bseparate but eIualC policies that resulted in 7im Crow laws.
April 1N) 1C1N= *he -udlow Massacre. Colorado coal miners who had been tryin.
for years to unioniKe went on strike. :fter bein. kicked out of their company,owned homes,
the strikers and their families set up tent colonies on
continued
5E0!4
public property. +n die mornin. of the :pril !2, Colorado militiamen and other
strikebreakers fired their .uns into the camp and burned down the tents, killin. twenty3
mostly women and children.
March 22) 1CND. President *ruman issued #9ecuti8e +rder 1>%$ to identify the
Binfiltration of disloyal personsC within the .o8ernment. *his ushered in an era of fear and
paranoia about alle.ed Communists that led to more than si9 million people bein.
in8esti.ated and fi8e hundred bein. dismissed from their Eobs for BIuestionable loyalty.C
.ecember 1) 1C++. : tired seamstress and local ci8il ri.hts acti8ist in Mont.omery,
:labama, )osa Parks, refused to .i8e up her seat on a bus to a white passen.er. *his Iuiet
act launched the Mont.omery bus boycott, which lasted for %>! days and established
Martin -uther =in. 7r. as the mo8ement@s leader. *he boycott was ended after the Supreme
Court ruled that se.re.ation laws on public transportation were ille.al.
2pri; 30, !#5+ *he fall of Sai.on. :lthou.h :merican .round troops had officially
pulled out of ;ietnam two years earlier, this day represents the end of the brutal war.
Se8eral weeks of chaos o8er the impendin. Communist takeo8er culminated in a desperate
scene as the last of the 6.S. rescue helicopters took off from the :merican embassy@s
rooftop with the few refu.ees they could carry.
5E0!"
:uide to Student 1i)hts
:s an :merican student you probably ha8en@t learned much about the 6.S. Constitution
or about your ci8il ri.hts, so here@s a handy .uide based on information from the :merican
Ci8il -iberties 6nion G:C-6H. For more facts about student ri.hts, on subEects includin.
dress codes, your school records, and discrimination based on se9ual orientation, contact
your state chapter of the :C-6 or check their 5eb site at www.aclu.or.NstudentsNslfree.
html.
Q *he First :mendment to the Constitution .uarantees the ri.ht to free e9pression and
free association. :nd accordin. to the 6nited States Supreme Court, these ri.hts e8en apply
to you, the lowly student3at least some of the time.
Q n !101, the Supreme Court Gin 0in!er v. .es Moines (ndependent
Comm"nity School .istrictL ruled that the First :mendment applies to students in
public schools. Pri8ate schools ha8e more leeway to set their own rules on free e9pression
because they are not operated by the .o8ernment.
Q Public school, students can e9press their opinions orally and in writin. Gin leaflets or
on buttons, armbands or *,shirtsH, as lon. as they do not Bmaterially and substantiallyC
disrupt classes or other school acti8ities.
School officials can probably prohibit students from usin. B8ul.ar or indecent
lan.ua.e,C but they cannot censor only one side of a contro8ersy.
Q f you and other students produce your own newspaper and want to hand it out in
school, administrators cannot censor you or prohibit distribution of the paper Gunless it is
BindecentC or handin. it out disrupts school acti8itiesH.
Q /ut administrators can censor what appears in the official school paper Gthe one that is
published with school moneyH. n the !1>> decision 'a9el#ood School .istrict v.
/"hlmeier) the 6nited States Supreme Court held that public school administrators can
censor student speech in official school publications or acti8ities Glike a school play, art
e9hibit, yearbook3or newspaperH if the officials think students are sayin. somethin.
inappropriate or harmful3e8en if it is not 8ul.ar and does not disrupt any acti8ity.
Some states3includin. Colorado, California, owa, =ansas, and Massachusetts3ha8e
BHi.h School Free #9pressionC laws that .i8e students e9panded free speech ri.hts. Check
with your local :C-6 to find out if your state has such laws.
5E05
>iteracy 4ro)ra's
/arbara /ush Foundation for Family -iteracy
!!!( !0th Street &5
Suite %2"
5ashin.ton, DC (""%0
("(,1$$,0!>%
www.barbarabushfoundation.com
-iteracy ;olunteers of :merica
0%$ 7ames Street
Syracuse, &' !%("%,((!2
%!$,2<(,"""!
www.literacy8olunteers.or.
#8en Start Family -iteracy Pro.ram
6.S. Department of #ducation
2"" Maryland :8enue S5
5ashin.ton, DC ("("(
("(,(0","11!
www.ed..o8NofficesN+#S#NC#P,Npro.rams.htmlVpro.%
:merica )eads Challen.e
6.S. Department of #ducation
2"" Maryland :8enue S5
5ashin.ton, DC ("("(
("(,2"!,"$10
www.ed..o8NinitsNamericareadsN
&ational Center for Family -iteracy
5aterfront PlaKa, Suite (""
%($ 5 Main Street
-ouis8ille, =' 2"("(,2($!
$"(,$>2,"!<(
www.famlit.or.
5E4
2re ?ou 2 4otentia; Schoo; ShooterD
*he followin. is a list of traits the F/ has identified as Brisk factorsC amon. students
who may commit 8iolent acts. Stay away from any student showin. si.ns of
Q Poor copin. skills
Q :ccess to weapons
Q Depression
Q Dru. and alcohol abuse
Q :lienation
Q &arcissism
Q nappropriate humor 6nlimited, unmonitored tele8ision and nternet use
Since this includes all of you, drop out of school immediately. Home schoolin. is not a
8iable option, because you must also stay away from yourself
S%H
Nice 4;anet, No-ody 0o'e
%&8 >%@E /O be.in this chapter by re8ealin. what belie8e is one of the .reatest
threats currently facin. our en8ironment.
Me.
*hat@s ri.ht3@m a walkin. ecolo.ical ni.htmare.
( am the Mother of All >hopals5
-et@s start with this: don@t recycle.
think recyclin. is like .oin. to church3you show up once a week, it makes you feel
.ood, and you@8e done your duty. *hen you can .et back to all the fun of sinnin.A
-et me ask you this: do you honestly know where all those newspapers .o after you
drop them off at the recyclin. center, or where your soda pop bottles end up after you put
them in the blue recyclin. containersD *o some facility that will recycle themD Says whoD
Ha8e you e8er followed the truck that picks up your recyclables to see where it .oesD Do
you careD s it enou.h for you to separate your .lass from your plastic, your paper from
your metals3and then lea8e the follow,thou.h to someone elseD
will ne8er cease to be amaKed at the lemmin.like nature of human bein.s and our
unIuestionin. obedience to authority. f the si.n says )ecycle, we do our part, and assume
e8erythin. we put in there will be recycled. f the trash can is blue, we fi.ure that@s a
surefire .uarantee that the .lass Ears we place in there will be crushed, melted down, and
made into new bottles of )a.u.
5ell, think a.ain.
+ne ni.ht, comin. home late from work, witnessed the .arba.e men tossin. those
earnestly clear blue .arba.e ba.s full of .lass into their truck@s crusher alon. with all the
other .arba.e. asked the .uy who works in our buildin. if that was normal.
B*hey .ot a lot of .arba.e to pick up,C he said. BSometimes they don@t ha8e time to
separate e8erythin..C
wondered if this was Eust an anomaly3or the norm. Here@s a few thin.s found out:
n the mid,!11"s, ndian en8ironmental acti8ists disco8ered that Pepsi was creatin. a
complicated waste disposal problem in their country. 6sed plastic from Pepsi bottles turned
in for recyclin. in the 6nited States was bein. shipped o8er to ndia to be recycled back
into Pepsi bottles or other plastic containers. /ut the senior mana.er of the Futura ndustry
factory outside of Madras, where most of the waste was bein. dumped, admitted that much
of it was ne8er actually recycled. *o make matters worse, at around the same time the truth
about the recyclin. was re8ealed, the company announced that it was .oin. to open a
company in ndia that would manufacture3of course3sin.le use disposable bottles for
e9port to the 6nited States and #urope, lea8in. to9ic byproducts behind in ndia. So while
ndia has been bearin. the en8ironmental and health burdens, consumers in industrialiKed
countries continue usin. plastic products without sufferin. any of the drawbacks. :nd all
the while we consumers cruise blissfully alon., confident that we@re impro8in. the
en8ironment by Brecyclin..C
n another instance, a ma.aKine in San Francisco contracted with a paper recycler to
pick up all its white waste paper each month. 5hen one employee followed the trash out
the door one day, he saw that the paper intended for recyclin. was bein. tossed in with the
discarded McDonald@s wrappers and Starbucks cups. 5hen confronted about it, the waste
recyclin. company denied it.
n !111 an in8esti.ation of what happens to all the waste created by Con.ress Ginsert
your own Eoke hereH disco8ered that <! percent of the (,0<" tons of paper used that year by
the le.islati8e branch was not recycled because it had been mi9ed in with food waste and
other nonrecyclable materials. *hat same year up to $,""" tons of .lass bottles, aluminum
cans, cardboard, and other recyclable waste on Capitol Hill was simply dumped in a
landfill, no Iuestions asked. Had Con.ress properly recycled these products, it could ha8e
sa8ed ta9payers up to M<"",""".
n instance after instance, found the same thin.. &o real recyclin. was takin. place.
5e were bein. conned.
So stopped recyclin.. came to the conclusion that when recycled, what was really
doin. was lettin. myself off the hook. :s lon. as did my little paper,.lass,metal
separation duty, wasn@t reIuired to do anythin. else to sa8e Planet #arth. +nce my bottles
and cans and newspapers were deposited in the appropriately colored barrels, could press
reset on my conscience and trust that someone else would do the rest of the Eob. +ut of
si.ht, out of mind, back inside my .as,.uKKlin. mini8an.
'es, ha8e a mini8an. t .ets about !$ miles a .allon, about < less than what the sticker
said. lo8e this mini8an. t@s roomy, has a smooth ride, and sits a foot abo8e the cars in
front of me so can see e8erythin..
know some people say we :mericans are spoiled by our low prices at the .as pump
compared with the rest of the world, which pays up to three times what we pay. /ut hey,
this ain@t /el.ium, where you can dri8e across the entire country in somethin. like thirty,
fi8e minutes. 5e li8e in a h"ge nation. 5e need to .et aroundA 5e@8e .ot places to .o,
thin.s to do. *he rest of the world needs to understand that they benefit from our ability to
.et from Point : to Point /. How else are hardworkin. :mericans supposed to .et from
their first Eob of the day to their second Eob at ni.ht3which is all part of a .reater plan to
create a .lobal economy3if they don@t ha8e any wheelsD
See, come from Flint, Michi.an3the ;ehicle City, not to be confused with the Motor
City. 5e@re an hour north of Detroit, and at one time my hometown built e8ery /uick in the
world. *hey don@t build /uicks there any more.
4rowin. up immersed in a car culture, you come to see your car as an e9tension of
yourself. 'our car is your stereo room, your dinin. room, your bedroom, your home
theatre, your office, your readin. room, and the first place you do Eust about anythin. in
your life that means anythin..
5hen became an adult decided didn@t want a 4eneral Motors car3mainly because
they broke down more often than did. So bou.ht ;olkswa.ens and Hondas and dro8e
them around town with pride. f anyone asked me why didn@t Bbuy :merican,C @d make
them open their hood and show them the M:D# & /):U- plate on their en.ine, the
M:D# &
M#?C+ letterin. on their fan belt, and the M:D# & S&4:P+)# label on their
radio. +ther than the ta. on the dashboard implyin. the entire car was made in :merica,
what e9actly could they point to in their car that actually .a8e a Eob to anyone in FlintD
My Honda Ci8ic ne8er broke down. For ei.ht years and !!$,""" miles, ne8er had it in
the shop for any reason other than re.ularly scheduled maintenance. *he day it died was
broke and on unemployment and stuck in the middle of Pennsyl8ania :8enue about four
blocks from the 5hite House. Eust .ot out, pushed it o8er to the curb, remo8ed the plates,
and bid it farewell.
didn@t buy another car for nine years. 5orkin. most of the time in &ew 'ork City
didn@t need one, thanks to the city@s fine mass transportation system and reliable ta9i
dri8ers. /ut because spend a lot of time back home in Michi.an, .ot tired of rentin.
from :8is and broke down and bou.ht a Chrysler mini8an. *his much @ll say3you@ll
ne8er see me stuff myself like a sausa.e by dri8in. around one of those little tin cans a.ainA
*he internal combustion en.ine has done more to create .lobal warmin. than anythin.
else on the planet. :lmost half the pollutants in our air come from the stuff that spews out
of your car3and that air pollution is the cause of some ("",""" deaths per year. 4lobal
warmin. is Eackin. up the world@s temperature, year after year, which can cause increased
risk of drou.ht in some countries and ha8e dan.erous effects on a.riculture and health.
5e@re perilously close to creatin. a horrible calamity if we don@t fi.ure out how to turn
down the heat.
/ut you should see how this mini8an handlesA :nd it@s so Iuiet inside3that is, until
crank up my =orn on the combination CDNtape surround,sound deck, complete with ei.ht
bitchin@ speakers. can dri8e 2"" miles strai.ht with the music cranked, the air conditionin.
cranked, the hands,free satellite phone ready to take that all,important call from )upert
Murdoch thankin. me for the fine work on this book and lettin. me know that my
e9ecution has been mo8ed up to *hursday so as not to conflict with America7s ?ac!iest
School Shooting Fideos.
Detroit has pro8ed it has the technolo.y to mass,produce cars that .et 2$ miles per
.allon and trucks and 8ans that .et % $ miles per .allon. *he year the auto companies
reported their best .as milea.e3!1><, durin. the rei.n of )onald )ea.an3the a8era.e car
.ot (0 miles per .allon. 'et after the ei.ht years of eco friendly /ill Clinton3who
promised that cars would be .ettin. 2" miles per .allon by the end of his presidency3the
a8era.e miles per .allon for 8ehicles went down to (2.<. 4eneral Motors threw a la8ish
party in 5ashin.ton for Clinton@s !11% inau.uration. .uess it@s Eust impolite to upset the
host of a party .i8en in your honor.
Clinton@s .reatest .ift to the /i. *hree automakers was e9emptin. S6;s from the
milea.e reIuirements of re.ular passen.er cars. /ecause of this e9emption, these .as
.luttons use up an e9tra (>",""" barrels of fuel each day. *hat fuel demand is one of the
reasons the /ush administration is pushin. to drill in the :rctic &ational Preser8e in
:laska. /ush says the drillin. will .i8e us an e9tra $>",""" barrels of oil each day, enou.h
to double the number of S6;s on the road.
:nd yet consider: if S6;s had been forced by Clinton to meet the same .as milea.e
standards my mini8an meets Gan impro8ement of only a few miles per .allonH, /ush would
ha8e no Eustification for drillin. in :laska.
5ith all these S6;s on the road, can no lon.er see o8er the 8ehicle in front of me.
*hey@re so bi. and intimidatin., they@re like a mid.et !>,wheeler on crack. 5hat e9actly is
the point of an S6;D nitially they were de8eloped to .i8e one the ability to dri8e in the
middle of nowhere where there are no roads. understand how that mi.ht make sense in
Montana, but what the hell are all these yuppies doin. inside them char.in. down a
crowded street in ManhattanD
n 7une of (""!, a panel of top :merican scientists reported that .lobal warmin. was a
real problem, and it was .ettin. worse. n their study, reIuested by the /ush !! 5hite
House, the .roup of ele8en leadin. atmospheric scientists Gincludin. se8eral who were
pre8iously skeptical about the scope of the problemH concluded that human acti8ity is
lar.ely responsible for the warmin. of the earth@s atmosphere3and that we@re in serious
trouble as a result.
*he release of the study put 4eor.e B Sleep 7ust FineC /ush in a tou.h spot. He and
other members of his administration had pointedly a8oided usin. the phrase B.lobal
warmin.C and had. repeatedly e9pressed doubts about the idea that air pollution was
heatin. the atmosphere in dan.erous ways. /ush also outra.ed international leaders in 7uly
of (""! when he reEected the =yoto Protocol, a pact ori.inally ne.otiated by more than !0"
nations Gincludin. the 6nited StatesH and desi.ned to reduce .lobal warmin..
/ut now /ush@s own scientists were sayin. the #arth was on its way to a maEor
catastrophe.
5ell, dunno: Maybe 'oun. 4eor.e has a point on this one. :fter all, ( li!e it warm.
Comin. from Michi.an, land of brutal winters and the three,week summer, kind of enEoy
this more BtemperateC climate. :sk people if they@d rather ha8e a nice scorchin@ hot day at
the beach or a bitter, fri.id :lberta Clipper that makes their ton.ues stick to their teeth, and
@ll bet you 1 out of !" :mericans already ha8e their shades on and the portable 5eber in
the trunk. So what if you need sunscreen that says !($ SPFD
-ast summer, thou.h, somethin. happened that found sli.htly shockin.. *he e#
-or! 0imes reported that for the first time in recorded history the &orth Pole had ...
melted. A shipload of scientists boated ri.ht up to the top of the world3and the ice was
.oneA *he news induced such panic that within days the 0imes ran a correction, tryin. to
reassure us: it wasn@t really melted, Eust a little sIuishy. 2ight. ( remember the last time
they tried to Iuiet thin.s down3back in the !11"s, when they told us about the bi. asteroid
that was headin. for a collision with #arth sometime in the ne9t twenty years. :.ain they
took it back immediately, but they should know we can see ri.ht throu.h that kind of
withdrawal. *he powers that be are ne8er .oin. to tell us when the end is ni.h, .i8en the
risk of mass pandemonium and subscription cancellations it would cause.
*he last ce :.e was the result of a .lobal temperature chan.e of only C degrees.
)i.ht now, we@re halfway there. Some e9perts are predictin. a rise in temperature of !".2
de.rees Eust in the ne9t century. n ;eneKuela, four of the country@s si9 .laciers ha8e melted
since !1<(. *he fabled snows of =ilimanEaro are almost .one. 5hen the li.hthouse at Cape
Hatteras was built in !><", it was !,$"" feet from the shoreJ by now the tide has risen to
within !0" feet of it, and the li.hthouse has had to be mo8ed farther inland.
: meltin. of the polar ice caps could cause the oceans to rise by up to %" feet, in effect
wipin. out e8ery coastal city there is and takin. out the entire state of Florida G8otin.
booths and allH. realiKe places like &ew 'ork and -os :n.eles could use a .ood
scrubbin., but three stories of salt water o8er the whole island of Manhattan wasn@t what
had in mind.
Speakin. of Florida, that state can also be held responsible for this sorry mess. 5hyD
:sk Mr. Freon. /efore air conditionin., Florida and the rest of the South were li.htly
populated. *he heat and humidity were unbearable. mean, you can barely move on a !"",
de.ree day in *e9as. *he air is so thick in &ew +rleans you can hardly breathe. &o wonder
people down South spoke with Bsuch an unintelli.ible drawl. t was Eust too damn hot to
form a series of 8owels and consonants. belie8e this brutal, paralyKin. heat is also the
reason no .reat in8entions, no new ideas,
:nd no contributions toward ad8ancin. our ci8iliKation e8er came out of the South
Gwith a few notable e9ceptions: -illian Hellman, 5illiam Faulkner, ).7. )eynoldsH. 5hen
it@s that hot, who can think, let alone readD
*hen the air conditioner was in8ented3and suddenly you could actually .et some work
done in the South. Skyscrapers went up all o8er the re.ion3and northerners, sick of the
winter, came down in dro8es. *hey found that you could dri8e to work in your air,
conditioned car, work all day in your air,conditioned office, study all day in your air
conditioned colle.e. *hen you could .o home at ni.ht to your air conditioned house to plan
the weekend@s cross,burnin. and block club barbecue.
/efore we knew it, the South had risen and was now controllin. the country. *oday, the
conser8ati8e ideolo.y that was born in the Confederate South has the nation in its .rip.
Mandatin. that the *en Commandments be posted in public placesJ teachin. creationismJ
insistin. on prayer in schoolJ bannin. booksJ fomentin. hatred of the federal GnorthernH
.o8ernmentJ callin. for reduction of .o8ernment and social ser8icesJ thirstin. to .o to war
at a moment@s noticeJ and lookin. to resol8e any problem throu.h 8iolence3these are all
trademarks of the elected lawmakers of the B&ewC South. f you think about it, the
Confederacy has finally won the Ci8il 5ar3a lon.,awaited 8ictory won by lurin. stupid
'ankees down there with a promise of $,""" /*6s and a built,in icemaker.
&ow the South rei.ns supreme3and if you still don@t belie8e it, Eust look at our last
four presidential elections. f you wanted to win, you had to ha8e been born in the South or
adopted it as your home. n fact, in the last ten presidential elections, the winner Gor
Supreme Court appointeeH was the one with his feet planted most firmly in the South or
5est. &o lon.er can anyone from the &orth .et elected to lead the nation.
:ir conditionin. made it all possible. :nd now, ha8in. opened the door to southern pols
and Di9ie climes, it@s also promisin. to e9port those hot southern winds all o8er the world
3by makin. the hole in the oKone layer a reality. *hat hole is now o8er :ntarctica3and is
two and a half times the siKe of *"rope5
*he oKone layer in the earth@s atmosphere protects us from ultra8iolet G6;H radiation,
which can .i8e us cancer and kill us. *he hole we@8e ripped in its fabric is caused by
chlorinated fluorocarbons GCFCsH, chemicals typically used in air conditioners and
refri.erators and as propellants in aerosol cans. 5hen these chemicals are released into the
atmosphere and struck by hi.h ener.y li.ht wa8es such as ultra8iolet li.ht, they form
compounds that destroy oKone. *he bi..est contributor of oKone,depletin. CFCsD Car air,
conditionin. units3one of :merica@s fa8orite tra8elin. companions.
5hich reminds me of another GliterallyH indispensable accessory du Eour for hip youn.
:mericans on the .o: bottled water. 5hy drink water out of a tap or fountain for free when
you can pay M!.(" for the same thin.3and .et a plastic bottle you can pretend to recycle
laterD
didn@t always drink bottled water in &ew 'ork. n fact, used to put faith in the folk
le.end that &ew 'ork@s water supply is amon. the cleanest in the world. *he water itself,
learned, is collected and stored in twenty,two open,air reser8oirs in the Catskills and upper
Hudson )i8er area and brou.ht down to the city throu.h an elaborate aIueduct system. t
all sounded so pristine.
/ut one ni.ht, at a party at a friend@s house, an acIuaintance remarked that he and his
family Btry to .et up to our cabin on the Croton )eser8oir e8ery chance we .et.C
asked, BHow can you ha8e a cabin on the shores of our drinkin. waterDC
B+h, it@s not ri.ht on the reser8oir. t@s across the road.C
B'ou mean, there@s a high#ay that surrounds the water we drinkD 5hat about all the
runoff from the road, all those oil spills and tire sha8in.s and the likeDC
B+h, they steriliKe e8erythin. once the water .ets to &ew 'ork City,C he replied.
B'ou can@t steriliKe anythin. once it .ets hereAC protested. B/y the time it .ets to &ew
'ork it must already ha8e e8ery known .erm,killin. a.ent a8ailable to mankind already in
full battle mode.C
He then went on to rhapsodiKe about how wonderful it is to boat around the reser8oir.
B/+:*DC cried. B'ou@re boatin. in my drinkin. waterD C
B+h, sure3and fishin., tooA *he state lets us keep our boat ri.ht on the shore.C
*hat was when the cases of #8ian be.an enterin. my apartment.
+f course, the downside of drinkin. bottled water Gother than the outra.eous costH is
that, like the recyclin. bins, it pre8ents me from .i8in. a moment@s further thou.ht to the
state of our water in :merica. :s lon. as can sell enou.h books to afford my BFrenchC
sprin. water, why should waste any time worryin. about the PC/s 4eneral #lectric has
dumped in the Hudson )i8erD :fter all, hundreds of years a.o the ndian dumped their
refuse into the Hudson, and the early white settlers used the ri8er as a nonstop sewa.e
drain. :nd look at the .reat metropolis they went on to createA
Manhattan is also a .reat place to .et a steak. 6ntil a few years a.o, don@t think there
was day in my adult life when didn@t eat beef3and often twice a day. *hen, for no distinct
reason, one day Eust stopped eatin. it. went a full four years without a morsel of cow
passin. my lips. ha8e to say those were the four healthiest years @8e e8er had. G&ote:
4uys like me define bealtby as B didn@t die.CH
Maybe it was hearin. +prah 5infrey say on her show back in !110 that learnin. about
mad cow disease BEust stopped me cold from eatin. another bur.er.C +f course, +prah then
had to contend with a threat that was eIually dan.erous: the *e9as cattlemen, who sued her
Gand the former rancher and beef lobbyist who appeared on the show to speak about the
dan.ers of mad cow diseaseH for M!( million. *hey claimed that +prah and Howard -yman
8iolated a *e9as statute that prohibits the false dispara.ement of perishable food products.
GPlease note that it was +prah who said she was Bstopped cold from eatin. another bur.er,C
not me3because, a.ain, nobody here wants to be sued.H +prah won the lawsuit in !11>J
then, Eust to mess with their heads in *e9as, she declared, B@m still off hambur.ers.C
, on the other hand, ha8e unfortunately fallen off the chuck wa.on, nibblin. e8ery now
and then on poor #lsie. 'ou@d think would ha8e learned my lesson back in the mid
se8enties when, instead of eatin. beef, ate fire retardant.
-ike millions of Michi.anders, spent a year in.estin. P//, the chemical used in kids@
paEamas3and didn@t e8en know it. *he P// came in the form of a product called
Firemaster, manufactured by a company that also happened to make cattle feed. :t one
point they accidentally mi9ed up the ba.s they poured the stuff into and sent the fire
retardant Glabeled as BfeedCH to a bi. centraliKed operation in Michi.an that distributed the
feed to farms all o8er the state. Soon the cows were eatin. P//3and we were eatin. the
cows and drinkin. their milk, fall of P//.
*he problem with P// is that the body doesn@t e9crete it or eliminate it in any way. t
Eust stays in your stomach and di.esti8e system. 5hen this fiasco was unco8ered3and we
learned that the state of Michi.an had tried to keep the news from the public3the residents
of Michi.an flipped out. Heads rolled, politicians were thrown out of office. :nd we were
told that scientists had no idea what the P// would do to us and we probably wouldn@t find
out for another twentyfi8e years.
5ell, the Iuarter,century fuse has run out, and .uess the .ood news is that my
stomach has ne8er cau.ht on fire. /ut @m still sittin. here full of an9iety, waitin. for the
other hoof to drop. can@t help thinkin. about Centralia, Pennsyl8ania3the town where
residents continued about their daily business while under.round fires ra.ed on nonstop for
years. Science does &+* ha8e an answer for e8erythin.A :re millions of Michi.anders
fi9in. to de8elop fleece,lined cancers and kick the milk bucketD +r will we Eust lose our
minds and find oursel8es workin. for a candidate who can@t win but can do a lot of
collateral dama.eD
don@t ha8e the answers, and neither does anyone else. f you know a nati8e
Michi.ander G and .uarantee there@s one within shoutin. distance of you ri.ht now, thanks
to the )ea.an sponsored diaspora of our people in the !1>"sH, ask her about P// and see
the ashen look that crosses her face. t@s the dirty little secret we don@t like to discuss.
/ut there@s a much .reater bo8ine threat afoot amon. us todayW one that knows no state
or re.ional boundaries, one that deser8es the Poeian moniker it wears like a bell around the
neck.
Mad cow.
*his is truly the scariest threat the human race has e8er faced. 5orse than :DS, worse
than the black pla.ue, worse than not flossin..
Mad cow disease has no cure. t has no pre8enti8e 8accine. #8eryone who .ets it dies,
without e9ception, a .ruesomely painful death.
:nd the worst part is that this is a man,made disease3born of a moment of human
madness, when we took innocent cows and turned them into cannibals. Here@s how it
started:
*wo researchers went to Papua &ew 4uinea to study the effects of human cannibalism
and how it made many Papuans .o insane. *hey disco8ered that what these people were
sufferin. from was a transmissible spon.iform encephalopathic disease Gor *S#H. *he
nati8e people called it kuru. 5hat happens in *S# is that ro.ue proteins3prions3latch
onto brain cells and twist into abnormal shapes. nstead of breakin. down the way a .ood
protein is supposed to do, these .uys han. out and make a mess of your ner8ous tissue,
lea8in. your brain full of holes like a wheel of well,a.ed Swiss.
*urns out that in Papua &ew 4uinea, these prionsJ were bein. spread by cannibalism.
&o one seems to know where these prions ori.inally come from, but when they .et into
your system they wreak ha8oc. Some su..est that a mere speck of prion,infected meat3
only the siKe of a peppercorn3is enou.h to infect a cow. +nce the little bu..ers are
released from the beef you@8e in.ested, they spread like an army of Pac Men, headin.
strai.ht for your brain and de8ourin. e8erythin. in si.ht.
:nd here@s the unbelie8able part3you can@t kill them ... beca"se they7re not alive5
*he disease first entered the food chain in /ritain throu.h sheep, then spread to cows,
when they were fed .round,up body parts of their fellow sheep and cows. 6ltimately the
diseased beef was sold to the /ritish public. *he disease may lie dormant for up to thirty
years before it unleashes its holy hellJ only after the deaths of ten youn. people in !110 did
the /ritish .o8ernment acknowled.e that somethin. was wron. with the meat supply3
somethin. they had suspected for ten years.
*he /ritish solution for eradicatin. the source of the disease is to destroy any cow
suspected of kuru, or mad cow disease, by cremation. /ut when you burn them, the threat
doesn@t disappearJ you can@t kill them, as said. *he smoke and ash Eust carry them to
another new location, settin. them free to find their way once a.ain to the /ritish dinner
table.
:mericans are not immune from this deadly disease. Some e9perts estimate that some
("",""" 6.S. citiKens dia.nosed with :lKheimer@s may, in fact, be carryin. the alien protein
and that their dementia is actually a form of mad cow.
/ritain and many other countries ha8e since banned the cannibalistic feedin. of animals
to their own kind, and no scraps or lefto8ers of food intended for humans can be used on
cattle farms. *he 6.S. Food and Dru. :dministration has followed suit, bannin. the
feedin. of animals to other animals of their own kind. /ut cannibalistic products still .et
throu.h. :nd how@s this for scary: many dru.s and 8accines, includin. those for polio,
diphtheria, and tetanus, may ha8e been made with products that could, in theory, carry mad
cow disease.
/oth /ritain and the 6nited States ha8e been slow to act re.ardin. this .rowin. pla.ue.
Make sure, if you ha8e to eat a bur.er or a steak, to cook that sucker until it@s black. *he
leaner the meat, the better your chances.
MeD @m .oin. to stop eatin. all beef unless someone can pro8e to me that the P// @m
haulin. around in my innards can 8aporiKe the damn human,brain,eatin. mad cow
parasites.
@8e thou.ht about Eust mo8in. to California and becomin. a 8e.etarian. &o3waitA &ot
California. *alk about a place with ecolo.ical mayhem afoot e8erywhere you turn. f the
4olden State isn@t bein. hit with earthIuakes, it@s bein. burned to the .round by
uncontrollable wildfires. 5hate8er the fires don@t destroy, the mudslides finish off. f the
state isn@t e9periencin. a maEor drou.ht, then it@s bein. hit with -a &iXa, #l &iXo, or #l
-oco. *he 5est Coast is a craKy place to drop a bunch of humans: @m con8inced that
nature ne8er intended for our species to settle there. t Eust isn@t constructed ecolo.ically for
our sur8i8al. &o matter how much sod you lay down o8er desert sand or how much water
you pump from the Colorado )i8er a thousand miles away, you can@t fool Mother &ature3
and when you try, Mother &ature .ets really shit,faced.
*he ndians fi.ured this out early. Some scientists say there was more pollution in the
-os :n.eles basin when tens of thousands of ndians and their campfires were there than
there is now with ei.ht million cars on its freeways. *he ndians couldn@t stand the way
their smoke Eust hun. in the air, trapped by the mountains. :nd when the earth mo8ed and
split apart, they .ot the messa.e and .ot the hell out.
/ut not us, California is our dream. *hirty,four million people3one,ei.hth of our
population3are crammed alon. a strip of land between a mountain ran.e and an ocean.
*his means manna to the ener.y companies: thirty,four million suckers to take ad8anta.e
of.
5elcome, )ollin. /lackoutsA
/ack in the .ood old days, California@s electricity was supplied by re.ional monopolies
whose rates were set by the state le.islature. *hen, in the mid,!11"s, dere.ulation was
touted as a, way for the companies to escape the hi.h costs they@d incurred by buildin.
nuclear power plants3and as a way to make much more money. +ne of the most 8ocal
ad8ocates for dere.ulation was #nron3a maEor contributor to the )epublican party, and
4eor.e 5 /ush in particular.
Dere.ulation went into effect in !110, thanks to a piece of le.islation that took a
whoppin. three weeks to pass and included a M(" billion bailout payment to the California
utilities3most of which was used to co8er their bad in8estment decisions of the past. For
four years prices were froKen3at abo8e,a8era.e le8els3but so was competition, which is
supposed to increase in a dere.ulated market. *here was a block in effect a.ainst new
power plant construction, so Californians .rew more dependent on out,of,state,
independent pro8iders for their power. *hus, on and off for the past year, power has been
bou.ht on the daily spot market3at outra.eously inflated prices.
*oday utility customers not only pay more, they@re forced to .o throu.h certain parts of
the day without electricity. /ut it@s not because there isn@t enou.h power. *he ndependent
System +perator, the California a.ency that o8ersees the transmission of electricity, has
access to about 2$,""" me.awatts of power3the amount needed for summertime peak
demand. *he power companies are holdin. back as much as !%,""" me.awatts of this
power by .oin. off,line Gfor reasons they don@t ha8e to di8ul.eH. *he ?all Street
:o"rnal reported in :u.ust of (""" that 20! percent more capacity was off,line than in
the pre8ious year. :nd, of course, ti.hter supply means hi.her prices.
/ut this is not the case in those cities ser8ed by community owned utilities. People in
-os :n.eles and other areas where the public still owns the ener.y ha8e not e9perienced
blackouts. +ther states in the Southwest and Pacific &orthwest ha8e sufficient supplies of
ener.y to ha8e bailed much of California out of this recent crisis by pro8idin. almost ($
percent of its power.
5hile all of this Hollywood drama has been .oin. on, Eunior and 6ncle Dick ha8e been
seiKin. the moment to scare up public support to build more nuclear plants, burn more coal,
drill for more oil. n other words, they want to make bad matters worse. Meanwhile, /ush
has built a new home on his *e9as ranch that is an en8ironmentalist@s dream. t is fueled by
solar ener.y, and its wastewater is recycled. :nd Cheney@s 8ice presidential residence is
eIuipped with state,of,the,art ener.y conser8ation de8ices that were installed by the
President,in #9ile, :l 4ore.
Clean, renewable ener.y is okay for them, but the rest of us .et the messa.e, loud and
clear:
B-#* *H#M D);# M&;:&SAC
B-#* *H#M #:* /##FAC
.hapter $ Notes
$E22
0o* to Cse >ess :as
Q 'itchhi!e. t@s freeJ you .et to meet new people and ha8e interestin. con8ersations.
/onus feature: stron. likelihood of bein. featured Gin a supportin. roleH on :merica@s Most
?anted or in a -ifetime B5oman in Dan.erC made,for,*; mo8ie.
Q 3ive in a city #ith mass transit. /ut please don@t come to &ew 'ork City3it@s
already way too crowded. *ry another :merican city with e9tensi8e, dependable mass
transit like ... like ... well ... oh, for.et it, come to &ew 'ork. @8e .ot an e9tra room, you
can stay with me.
Q Siphon gas from cars par!ed at airport. *hey@re not .oin. anywhere. t@s a
shame to ha8e all that .as Eust sittin. there .oin. to waste in these waste conscious times.
Plus, it@s a safety haKard: Eust ima.ine what would happen if a plane were to crash into one
of those airport parkin. lots with thousands of parked cars filled to the brim with hi.hly
e9plosi8e petrol. 7ust don@t swallow.
.rive behind large semi tr"c!s so yo"r #ind drag is red"ced. Hi.hway
safety e9perts may ad8ise a.ainst this practice, but it works. 'ou can put the car on cruise
and Eust sit back and enEoy the scenery. Drawback: you may find yourself in a remote truck
stop ha8in. the crap beaten out of you by a .uy with a tattoo on his forehead that says Btch
Me.C
Q 3ive in yo"r office or place of #or!. #liminates both the .as,.uKKlin. commute
and annoyin. monthly rent payments, /onus: you@ll impress the boss by always bein. the
first one in and the last to lea8e.
$E2"
0o* to Sur=i=e :;o-a; War'in)
Q dentify common household obEects that could ser8e as flotation de8ices once the ice
caps melt. 4i8e special attention to items made of synthetic materials, which tend to be
e9tremely water resistant.
Q Don@t for.et to look outside, too3those waterproof chairs with built,in cup holders
will float Eust as well in the ocean as in your backyard pool. 5ho says catastrophic polar
meltdown can@t bee funD
Q #9amine topo.raphical maps of your area to determine hi.hest ele8ationJ map out
Iuickest route there. Hold escape drills.
Q n8est in Uiploc ba.s and those yellow waterproof cameras.
Q Contact your local 'MC: about swimmin. lessons. *ake lessons. &ow. Pay special
attention to instructions for treadin. water.
Q Chan.e your 8acation plans from Florida to Montana. *ell your kids to switch their
sprin. break alcohol bin.e from Daytona /each to /oise.
$E2!
/hin)s the South Was 1i)ht 2-out
7ust to balance my portrait of the South as a land of sweat,stained =lansters and latter,
day corporate outposts, @8e been asked to come up with a list of thin.s we are thankful to
the South for .i8in. us. Here it is:
Q /eef Eerky
Q -emonade
Q Fancy balls
Q 4ood manners
Q Country music
Q &appin. in hammocks
Q /eauty Iueens
Q Michael 7ordan
Q 5al,Mart
Q :lli.ator wrestlin.
Q 5alt Disney 5orld
$E30
0o* to Ma9e Sure ?our 8rin9in) Water %s Safe
Q -obby Con.ress to make bottled water the nation@s +fficial /e8era.e.
)eroute and connect city water pipelines directly to the sources of sprin. water used by
commercial bottlers. f that means runnin. feeder pipelines under the :tlantic to tap into
some pure alpine water, so be it. 5e ran a telephone cable under the ocean3surely we can
lay a pipe beside it to Iuench our thirst.
$E32
Other Water 2dditi=es %&d >i9e to See
*he .o8ernment currently adds fluoride to the water supply, while many fine companies
make products that add caffeine, 8itamins, fruit fla8ors, and microscopic disease,causin.
or.anisms to bottled water. /ut can@t they do betterD 5hy stop with somethin. the dentist
says is .ood for youD /esides, there@s already fluoride in the toothpasteA 5hy not make
water a8ailable in these popular fla8ors:
Q /eef bouillon
Q *e9,Me9
Q ProKac,enhanced
Q Spicy CaEunA
Q Soy,based toffee
Q Chunky,style tomato
Q Cool )anch GliteH
$E33
Where&s the BeefD No*hereI
0o* to Beco'e a 0indu
#nterin. Hinduism has traditionally reIuired little more than acceptin. and li8in.
accordin. to Hindu beliefs. :mon. those beliefs is that the cow should be re8ered as a
mother to all because of the nourishin. milk it pro8ides. *herefore slau.hter of cows is
sacrile.ious. 4enerally, the steps to becomin. a Hindu are:
Q 7oin a Hindu worship community Gyou can find one near you at
www.hindu.or.Ntemples,ashramsN.
Q Complete a course of study comparin. Hinduism to other beliefs.
Q Discuss your chan.ed beliefs with representati8es of your former faith, and if needed,
obtain a letter of release from your former reli.ious or.aniKation.
Q :dopt a Hindu name at a name,.i8in. ceremony.
Q )un an announcement in a local newspaper for three days e9plainin. that you ha8e
se8ered your ties with your former faith and ha8e adopted a new name.
Q +btain a certificate testifyin. that an authoriKed Hindu priest has appro8ed your
entrance into the faith.
$E35
Other /hin)s % 0a=e Eaten /hat Were Meant for %ndustria; Cse
Q Pop,*arts
Q *ab
Q Mom@s meatloaf
Q *an.
Q Spam
Q Hostess pink Sno /alls
Q Stuff inside wa9 BlipsC
Q :irplane breakfast sausa.es
$E40
:eor)e W+&s Eco;o)ica;;y .orrect /exas 1anch
President /ush may not care about the rest of the en8ironment, but his new Crawford,
*e9as, ranch is shockin.ly ecolo.ically correct. *he house features:
Q 4eothermal heatin. and coolin. systems that use ($ percent of the electricity of
traditional mechanisms.
Q 5ater at a constant 0< de.rees piped up from a source %"" feet below .round and
throu.h the house for coolin. in the summer and heatin. in the winter. *his same system
heats the swimmin. pool.
Q : ($,""",.allon cistern that collects house wastewater and rainwater for reuse in
irri.atin. the .ardens.
Q ts own water purification system, which uses recycled household water to help
restore nati8e wildflowers and .rasses on the property.
SE3EN
/he End of Men
E21>%E1 /0%S ?E21, my wife and attended the baptism of our new nephew,
:nthony. +ur teena.e dau.hter had been asked to be his .odmother, a Eob that would
reIuire her to be there for little :nthony should he need to be burped, or raised Catholic, or
both.
*he baptism ceremony, we disco8ered, has chan.ed a lot in the Catholic Church.
nstead of Eust Bhurry up and pour a little water on his forehead before we lose his soul to
Satan,C the Church now makes it a Eoyful e8ent durin. Sunday Mass.
:bout halfway throu.h the ser8ice, Father :ndy asked the entire e9tended family to
.ather round the bi. baptismal font while little :nthony Proffer was submer.ed in the holy
water and then wrapped in a pure white .arment. *he priest then held :nthony up for all
the con.re.ation to see, and e8eryone in the church applauded enthusiastically.
&o one was applaudin. louder than me.
For this was the first time in thirteen years a /+' had been born into our family.
*hirteen babies in thirteen years in our family. *hat@s ele8en .irls and two boys.
&ow think most of us would a.ree that ha8in. a .irl is, well, a little less work. &ot
that we lo8e boys any lessJ and with a stron. health insurance plan that co8ers broken arms,
teeth, and collar bones, with additional co8era.e for fin.ers cau.ht in car doors and
personal inEury claims from nei.hbors who alle.e our dear sweet little boy torched their
Celica BEust to see how fast *oyota paint burns,C they@re no more difficult to raise than
.irls.
ha8e li8ed my entire life in households where men were decidedly in the minority.
ha8e no brothers, but two wonderful sisters. /etween them and our mother, they made sure
did all the Bwoman@s workC in the house, while my dad was .ranted occasional lea8e to
watch a Sunday .olf tournament. tried to e8en thin.s out a bit, claimin. deser8ed more
of a say because was the oldest, but that only .al8aniKed my sisters@ childhood feminist
maEority. *o this day, as testimony to their asserti8e beha8ior, those who meet us when we ,
re to.ether are con8inced that my sisters are older than am, and that @m the baby of the
family.
now li8e with my wife and my dau.hter. +utnumbered a.ain. 5hate8er fri.htenin.
male habits were not e9orcised by my sisters and mother, these two ha8e been merciless in
finishin. off. *he latest was breakin. me of spittin. toothpaste all o8er the bathroom mirror
while brushin. my teeth. *hat one only took nineteen years. *hey tell me the list is now
down to a sin.le pa.e, with only three or four appallin. beha8iors left to annihilate
Gbalancin. my /i. 4ulp in the open space on the steerin. wheel while dri8in.J lea8in.
permanent ink stains on the arm of the chair fall asleep inJ snorin.3thou.h fear this one
may ultimately only be corrected by a pillow bein. BaccidentallyC slipped o8er my face and
mysteriously held there, ti.htly, for a .ood three to fi8e minutesH.
*ruth be told, am a better person for ha8in. li8ed my life surrounded by stron.,
intelli.ent, and lo8in. women. t Eust would ha8e been nice to play catch. +nce.
My parents ha8e no .randsons. My sisters and ha8e only dau.hters. My wife@s parents
had four dau.hters and only two boys. *hey, in turn, produced ei.ht more .irls and only
two additional boys. My wife@s two brothers and ha8e only .irls. +ur family hasn@t seen a
.ame of tackle football or mumblety,pe. since hi.h school. *his sacrifice appears to ha8e
.one unnoticed by nearly e8eryone in8ol8ed.
offer this little .limpse into the .ender makeup of my family to point out a much
lar.er disco8ery @8e made. Ponderin. this lopsided ratio, be.an askin. around to find out
if other people were e9periencin. the same thin.3more .irl babies bein. born than boy
babies. Much to my surprise, was not alone.
-ately, when @m asked to speak at a uni8ersity or community .roup, lea8e the
prepared a.enda for a moment to ask how many in the room are seein. more .irls bein.
born in their families than boys. Scores of hands always shoot up.
Countless people be.an sharin. their secret with me3that the ranks of boys are
dwindlin.. n some families, it seems, they@re alto.ether e9tinct. always reassure them
that there@s no need to feel any shame in their inability to produce male offsprin..
*hen it hit me ... something is "p.
:nd sure enou.h, somethin. is. *he Census /ureau confirms that the number of male
babies bein. born has been declining every year in the United States since 1CC05
Pl"s) women are li8in. lon.er and lon.er: >" years, on a8era.e, 8ersus only <2.( for men.
5hen was a kid, the country seemed pretty much $",$" male,female, with women maybe
holdin. a sli.ht lead. *hen the ratio went to $!,21, with women in the maEority. Soon it@ll
be $(,2>.
So ha8e come to one u.ly but irrefutable conclusion:
4"ys5 at"re is trying to !ill "s off5
5hy is Mother &ature doin. thisD :re we not the carriers of the seed of lifeD 5hat ha8e
we men done to deser8e thisD
:s it turns out, plenty.
n the early years of Man, we ser8ed a critical and necessary function in the .rowth of
the species. 5e hunted and .athered the food, protected the women and children from
lar.er animals conspirin. to eat them, and helped the number of 'omo sapiens multiply
rapidly throu.h a lot of random, unrestricted se9. t@s been downhill for us e8er since.
n the past few centuries, thin.s seem to ha8e taken a fatal turn for our .ender. :s is our
wont, we commenced work on a series of proEects that stank e8erythin. up and made a
mess of our world. 5omenD *hey deser8e none of the blame. *hey continued to brin. life
into this worldJ we continued to destroy it whene8er we could. How many women ha8e
come up with the idea of e9terminatin. a whole race of peopleD &one that @8e met at the
.ym. How many women ha8e spilled oil in the oceans, dumped to9ins in our food supply,
or insisted that the new S6; desi.ns had to be bi..er, bi..er, /44#)D Hmmm. -et me
see....
+f the >!0 species that ha8e .one e9tinct since Columbus .ot lost and landed here
Ganother man who wouldn@t ask for directionsH3most of which are necessary links in our
fra.ile ecosystem3how many do you think were eradicated by womenD +nce a.ain,
think we all know the answer.
f you were &ature, how would you respond to such a brutal assaultD :nd what would
you do if you noticed that it was one particular .ender of humans that was .oin. out of its
way to destroy youD 5ell, Mother &ature has a habit of cuttin. to the chase. She@d defend
herself by any means necessary) that@s what she@d do. She@d pull out e8ery stop to sa8e
her life, to sur8i8e at all costs, e8en if it meant eliminatin. one half of the 8ery thin. that
was supposed to keep her most ad8anced species .oin..
'es, &ature had .raciously .ranted our species the hi.hest form of intelli.ence and
entrusted us with her future3but suddenly it looked like one of the .enders had decided to
throw the ke..er of all ke..ers on Mother #arth@s watch. &ow, hun. o8er and cranky,
Mother is pissed at whoe8er slipped the mickey in her drink.
*he culprit has a recedin. hairline, a potbelly, and ne8er screws the cap back onto
anythin..
'up, .uys, we@8e been fin.eredJ there@s no way to hide from &ature@s wrath. 5e can@t
pin any of this on the women: it wasn@t a woman who dropped napalm bombs, or who
in8ented plastic, or who said, BDammit, what we need is a beer can with a pop,toAC
6nfortunately, e8ery bit of plunder and pilla.e, e8ery attack on the en8ironment, e8erythin.
that has brou.ht horror and destruction to all that was once pure and .ood has come from
hands that, well, when they aren@t busy brin.in. pleasure to oneself, are workin. o8ertime
to wipe out this beautiful, wonderful home we were .i8en free of char.e3no security
deposit reIuired, no back.round check needed.
&o wonder &ature is .ettin. rid of us.
f we men had any sense, we@d try to .et &ature to for.i8e us by cleanin. up our act.
'ou know, do the ob8ious stuff: Iuit desecratin. the :rctic wilderness, pick up after
oursel8es, stop throwin. 5hopper remains out the car window.
&ature would probably put up with a lot of our .uff if we sti;; ser8ed some important
purpose. For eons we had two thin.s women didn@t ha8e that made us a necessity= G!H we
pro8ided the sperm to keep the species .oin., and G(H we were able to reach and .et
whate8er they needed off the top shelf.
6nfortunately for us, some traitor .uy in8ented in vitro fertiliKation, which means that
now females only need the sperm from a few of us in order to ha8e babies. n fact someone
Gprobably a womanH in :riKona has announced that science has found a means of human
reproduction that doesn@t e8en reIuire sperm to fertiliKe an e..3now they can do it with
D&:. &o lon.er do women ha8e to crawl out from underneath some slobberin. man with
his
face buried in the pillow simply because they wish to ha8e babies. :ll they need now is
a test tube.
*he other in8ention that did the male population in was the stepladder. 0he portable)
easy<to<carry al"min"m stepladder) to be precise. 5ho was the bastard that came up
with that bri.ht ideaD &ow what possible e9cuse can we ha8e for stickin. aroundD
&ature has a way of .ettin. rid of its weakest links, those that no lon.er ser8e a useful
purpose, the dead wei.ht. *hat, my friends, is us. )eproducti8e science and three little
aluminum steps risin. abo8e the earth@s surface ha8e made us .uys about as useful as an
ei.ht,track tape.
5ell, look at the bri.ht side: 5e@8e had one hellu8a runA *housands of years of total
domination o8er the social order
and still .oin. stron.A *hink about it3there has not been a single day when we
weren@t in char.e, when we weren@t callin. the shots and runnin. the worldA &ot e8en the
'ankees can claim such an unbroken rei.n of unchallen.ed power. mean, here we are, the
minority) and yet we men ha8e ruled o8er the female maEority since time immemorial. in
other countries we call that apartheidJ in :merica we call it normal. Since the birth of this
country, for more than (($ years, we ha8e seen to it that not a sin.le woman has held either
the number one or number two offices in the land. For the better part of that time we@8e
made sure that damn few of them ha8e held any office at all. n fact, for the first !%" years
of presidential elections, it was ille.al for women e8en to 8ote.
*hen in !1(", Eust to show women we@re .ood sports, we .a8e them the ri.ht to 8ote.
:nd .uess whatD 5e remained in powerA
4o fi.ure. Suddenly, women had more 8otesJ they could ha8e thrown our collecti8e
male ass into the political trash heap. /ut what did they doD *hey 8oted for usA How cool is
thatD Ha8e you e8er heard of any .roup of oppressed people that suddenly, by their sheer
numbers, takes char.e3and then 8otes in o8erwhelmin. numbers to keep their oppressors
in powerD *he blacks of South :frica, once free, did not continue apartheid by 8otin. for
whites. know no 7ews in :merica who 8oted for 4eor.e 5allace or Da8id Duke or Pat
/uchanan GFlorida debacle includedH.
&o, the usual thin. a sane society does is .i8e the boot to the boot that@s been on its
neck for umpteen years.
'et more than ei.hty years after they .ained the ri.ht to 8ote and3despite the .rowth
of a massi8e women@s mo8ement 3here@s where we stand:
Q &ot a sin.le woman has been on the ballot of the maEor parties for President or ;ice
President in twenty of the twenty,one national elections since !1(".
Q Currently there are only fi8e women .o8ernors in fifty states.
Q 5omen hold only !% percent of the seats in Con.ress.
Q 210 of the top $"" companies in :merica are run by men.
Q 7ust four of the top twenty,one uni8ersities in the 6nited States are run by women.
Q 2" percent of all women who are di8orced between the a.es of twenty,fi8e and thirty,
four end up in po8erty, compared with only > percent of married women who li8e below
the po8erty line.
Q 5omen@s earnin.s a8era.e <0 cents for e8ery M! earned by men3resultin. in a
lifetime loss of o8er M0$",!%%.
Q *o make the same annual salary as her male counterpart, a woman would ha8e to
work the entire year P-6S an additional four months.
Sooner or later, women are .oin. to fi.ure out how to seiKe power3and when that
happens, let@s pray for mercy. :fter all, they are the stron.er .ender. Contrary to popular
myth, it is men who are the weaker se9. Consider the e8idence:
Q 5e don@t li8e as lon. as women.
Q +ur brains are less well formed and shrink at a faster rate than women@s as we a.e.
Q Proportionately, we are more likely than women to suffer from catastrophic illnesses
such as heart disease, strokes, ulcers, and li8er failure.
Q Men are more likely to carry se9ually transmitted diseases Gwhich they pass on to their
unsuspectin. wi8es and .irlfriendsH.
Q Men@s maEor body systems3our circulatory, respiratory, di.esti8e, and e9cretory
functions3are all likely to break down lon. before women@s Gthou.h .uess the
breakdown of the e9cretory system was no surprise, considerin. the case of air freshener
you@8e .ot under the bathroom sinkH.
+nly our reproducti8e system3the ability to produce sperm3lasts lon.er than a
woman@s ability to produce e..s, but our deli8ery system peters out years before a woman
disco8ers the benefits of enEoyin. a warm bath and a .ood no8el.
Q Men are unable to .i8e birth, to keep the species .oin..
Q Men lose their hair.
Q Men lose their minds Gwe@re four times more likely to attempt suicide than womenH.
Q Men are three times more likely to die in an accident than women.
Q Men are Eust not as smart as women: .irls .enerally score hi.her than boys on the
elementary school tests3and face it, we don@t .et any smarter with a.e.
Perhaps there@s no lo.ical e9planation for this disparity. Maybe, as the nuns tau.ht us,
it@s Eust all part of 4od@s plan. /ut if that@s the case, why did 4od make women so much
betterD *he nuns must ha8e had the inside dope on this3after all, they were all women
themsel8es. *hey knew 4od@s secret, and they certainly weren@t .oin. to share it with the
likes of me.
t is my belief3and this is purely from my personal obser8ation of the woman li8e
with3that when 4od was creatin. the world, he spent the better part of Day Si9 creatin.
what women would look like. mean, you can@t help but notice the skillful craft of an
artisan at the top of His field. *he shapes, the cur8es, the symmetry, all constitute
e9traordinary art. *heir skin is soft and smooth and perfectJ their hair is rich and thick and
8ibrant. am not speakin. from a prurient perspecti8e here3these are simply the
conclusions of the art critic in me. 5omen3 think we all a.ree3are stunnin.ly beautiful.
So what happened to 4od when it came to usP t@s like he used up all his best tricks
in8entin. women. /y the time he .ot to us, he was ob8iously ready to .et it o8er with,
mo8e on to somethin. more important, like that se8enth day of rest.
So men ended up like Che8ys, rushed off the assembly line and .uaranteed to break
down after limited use. *hat@s why we try to stay in our &au.ahyde recliners as lon. as we
can3the e9ertion reIuired to pick up after oursel8es can lead to an early coronary. +ur
bodies were built to lift, carry, haul, and throw, but for a limited time only. :nd, ha8e to
say it, what@s with this e9tra thing we were .i8enD 5ell, let me put this as delicately as
possible: n 4od@s rush to finish up, it looks like he Eust .rabbed a stray part he had lyin.
around in the shop and stuck it on us3@cause it sure as hell don@t look ri.ht. f you took an
item like this and .lued it on to a lamppost or a tree, you@d say, B&aww, don@t think so.C
/ut nobody Iuestions its presence on a .uy. -ike a creature from Alien reupholstered by
Frank Purdue, the male or.an is testimony to the fact that e8ery now and a.ain, as with the
floods in /an.ladesh or the teeth of the /ritish, 4od Eust fails to .et it ri.ht.
Saddled with the odds a.ainst us, some men ha8e simply .one insane and taken to
fi.htin. back any way they can. f &ature is .oin. to fa8or women, they fi.ure, then they
must take matters into their own hands. *heir attitude: f we can@t beat Lem, let@s beat@em.
*hese days, the tendency of men to inEure, maim, or murder women is seen by most as
Bpolitically incorrect,C and laws ha8e been stren.thened to protect women from us. /ut as
we know, laws are only made to e9act punishment after a crime has been committed, Few
laws ha8e stopped those men who are intent on wreakin. their 8en.eance on women.
5omen know all too well that 1!! is only there to notify the police that they@d better brin.
a body ba. and some stron. cleanser to mop up the mess, because by the time they .et
there that restrainin. order the court issued to keep him away will be stuffed in her mouth
and ri.or mortis will be settin. in nicely, thank you.
Men .ifted with more subtlety often resort to means other than outri.ht murder to e8en
the score between men and women. For instance, the tobacco companies Gall run by menH
ha8e been e9tremely successful in con8incin. women to smoke3at a time when the
number of male smokers is declinin.. *hanks to all this new female smokin., lun. cancer
has now surpassed breast cancer as the leadin. cancer killer of women. *otal number of
women eliminated each year by smokin.: !0$,"""A
Denial of treatment is another trick men employ in parin. down the female population.
f you need an or.an transplant to stay ali8e, you@re >0 percent more likely to .et it if you
are a man. Men sufferin. from heart disease are !!$ percent more likely to under.o a heart
bypass than women with the same condition. :nd if you@re a woman, you@re more likely to
pay hi.her insurance premiums than men for this shoddy care.
+f course, when all else fails, you can also .o back to murder. t usually works. :
woman is fi8e times more likely to be killed by a husband or boyfriend than a man is likely
to be murdered by his wife or .irlfriend.
=eep that up, and we mi.ht Eust make it after all.
0OW MEN .2N 23O%8 EH/%N./%ON
:s bad as the future looks for us, there is some hope that we, as men, can delay our
demise3if we learn to adopt some 8ery important new beha8iors. *here are many thin.s
we can learn from women and how they function sanely. Here are a few:
+ 1e'e'-er /hat ?our .ar %s Not a Weapon of Mass 8estruction+ Stop .ettin.
pissed off at that car that Eust cut you off. 5hy do you really careD 'ou@re .oin. to .et
home in the same amount of time anyway. So some Eerk cost you four seconds on the road.
/i. dealA 4et a .rip. 5omen couldn@t care less about stuff like this, and they li8e lon.er for
it. 5hen they see an asshole on the road, they Eust shake their heads and lau.h3and it
worksA 4uys, we ha8e .ot to rela9. 5e@re dama.in. our hearts with e8ery minute of
upti.ht, tense, and an.ry beha8ior. Fuit walkin. around like you@8e .ot a pineapple up your
ass. &othin. matters *H:* much. G#9cept a real pineapple. *hat would matter somethin.
awful.H
2+ >i)hten Cp on the Aood and 8rin9+ 5e need to think more about what we put in
our mouths. f you and would eat less and drink less, we@d li8e a lot lon.er. 5hen@s the
last time you saw a woman pi. out like it was her last mealD Sure, we@8e all seen women
pound back the liIuor, but how many females ha8e you seen Eust drop their pants and start
peein. on the curbD 5hy do you think so many of us men .et colon and stomach cancer
and li8er diseaseD /ecause we can@t say no to 7ack GDanielsH or 7im G/eamH or a pound and
a half of half,cooked beef topped with fried onion rin.s, year,old EalapeXos, and *abasco
sauce. *here@s a reason you@8e ne8er seen a woman take a newspaper into a bathroom. 4et
a clueA
3+ Step 2side, ?ou&;; >i=e >on)er+ -isten, why don@t we retire and let women run the
worldD +kay, so you don@t want women ha8in. power, because you@re a conser8ati8e
redneck. /ut what would you say if told you that lettin. them worry about buildin. that
nuclear plant in /ahrain, or declarin. war a.ainst China, or findin. a solution to the
continuin. abuse of the infield fly rule, would .i8e us men ei.ht more years of lifeD -et@s
step aside and shut upA s it that bi. a cheap thrill Eust to be Bthe bossC and ha8e to deal with
hundreds of employees and all their crapD 5ho needs itD -et@s back off, take a break, and
let the women ha8e this craKy unmana.eable world for the ne9t ten thousand years. *hink
of all the readin. you@ll catch up on.
4+ Wash ?our 0ands 2cross 2'erica+ t@s time to wise up: our personal habits are so
re8oltin. it@s a wonder women are willin. e8en to breathe the same air we do. f we men
could only .et our act to.ether and chan.e a few simple thin.s, we@d immediately score
more empathy and companionship. For starters, we should keep our hands where they
belon.. *hey weren@t intended to be used in nostrils, anuses, ears, or na8els. *hey were not
desi.ned to tear out articles from the newspaper before she has a chance to read it, or to
pick a loose piece of kielbasa skin from between your teeth, or to sandpaper that patch of
dandruff on your head. Stop checkin. Gand adEustin.H your crotch in public3nothin. has
disappeared since your last in8entory, rou.hly a minute a.o. =eep your le.s to.ether, so
you don@t take up three seats on buses and trains. 5ear underwear3preferably underwear
that@s been washed this year) in a #ashing machine) with actual la"ndry soap.
5+ >earn 0o* a /oi;et Seat Wor9s+ :ll ri.ht, boys, thou.ht for sure we@d be o8er
this by now, but the foul e8idence in airports and train stations and fast,food emporia all
o8er this .reat land tells me this: despite the constant carpin. of *; comics e8erywhere,
#e H"st haven7t gotten the message. So here@s a Iuick refresher course:
Q First, lift the mo8able o8al co8er into an upri.ht position. *hen lift the mo8able o8al
seat beneath it into an upri.ht position. *hey will both automatically lock into place. *hat@s
so you can use both hands. t@s Eust like steerin. a car. 'ou wouldn@t want the car to .o off
the road, would youD Fine, and the women in your house feel the same way about your piss
all o8er the wallpaper,.
Q :im, hold, release, return to pants.
Q *ake one hand and .ently return o8al seat and its top to their lowered positions. &o
audible sound of the seat hittin. the ceramic bowl should be heard.
Q 4rasp the little sil8er handle at left and F-6SH. G*his is not optional, e8en in a public
restroom.H f the first flush doesn@t take, you may not lea8e the scene: stay there till you@re
lookin. at a clean bowl.
Q 5ash hands. Dry them on the towels pro8ided, not the shirt you@re wearin.. *hrow the
paper towel into the trash receptacle3or, if the towel is made of cloth, place it back on
towel rack Gusually a metal or plastic rod protrudin. from the wall near the sinkH. f you@re
in your own home, put the cloth towel into the laundry at least once a week. 5ash. )eturn
to bathroom.
$+ Bathe 8ai;y+ *hrowin. some water in your face to wake up in the mornin. does not
constitute bathin.. &either does bein. doused with a Heineken at a party the ni.ht before.
Step into the tub. *urn handle halfway between H+* and C+-D. -ift stem on faucet to
create shower effect. *ake bar of soap and washcloth and scrub all areas of the body. Do
&+* place the bar of soap in body ca8ities to B.et them e9tra clean.C Someone else has to
use that bar of soap on her face. )inse. 5hen finished, lea8e shower area and dry off,
creatin. as little a water trail as possible.
#+ /one %t 8o*n+ -ower your 8oice. *ry listenin.. Here@s how it works: 5hen someone
else is talkin., pay close attention to what they are sayin.. Maintain eye contact. Do not
interrupt. 5hen he or she is finished, pause and reflect on what was said. *ry sayin.
nothin. at all. &otice how what you ha8e heard is stimulatin. thou.hts, concepts, feelin.s,
and ideas in your head. *his may lead to somethin. brilliant. 'ou will then be able to take
those ideas, claim them as yours, and become famousA
"+ :et ?our 0earin) .hec9ed+ f the abo8e doesn@t work, there may be somethin.
physically wron. with you. May is &ational /etter Health and Speech MonthJ many
hospitals and community .roups offer free screenin. for hearin. loss. Check your local
newspaper for announcements of free hearin. tests in your area. n addition, most hospitals
offer periodic free hearin. tests throu.hout the year. 'ou can also find on,line IuiKKes to
help you determine if you should seek a professional hearin. e8aluation. +ne such test can
be found at: health.aol.thri8eonline.o9y.en.comNmedicalNw.amesN.enNhealth.hearin..html.
!+ @no* /hat Wo'en 2re onto Cs+ Cut out the sensiti8e,man crap. *hey know the
drill. Don@t try con8incin. anyone you@re a Bfeminist.C 'ou don@t Iualify: you play for the
other team. t@s like a =lansman chantin., B=##P H+P# :-;#AC 'ou are a specimen of
the .ender that will always make more money, that will always ha8e the door swin. open
wide and far to where8er you want to .o in life.
*his does not mean you can@t help make thin.s better. *he best way to help women is to
work on your fellow men. *hat@s where the real stru..le is3.ettin. enli.htenment throu.h
the concrete block known as a man@s head.
Help end the wa.e .ap by lookin. at your own paycheck. Make sure women doin. the
same Eob at work are .ettin. paid the same as you. Participate in #Iual Pay Day, usually
held in early :pril on the day that marks the point in the new year when a woman has
finally earned the wa.es paid to a man in a comparable Eob durin. the pre8ious year.
Contact fairplayYaol.com for more info.
:nd you can Eoin in the effort to push Con.ress to pass two pieces of national
le.islation affectin. eIual pay. *he Fair Pay :ct would allow women to brin. suit based on
the principle of eIual pay for eIual work and would allow employees within a sin.le
company to sue if they belie8e they are bein. paid less than someone with an eIui8alent Eob
and eIui8alent trainin.. *he Paycheck Fairness :ct pro8ides for hi.her dama.es in these
types of lawsuits and protects employees who share salary information. *he Center for
Policy :lternati8es has been workin. for pay eIuity for the past twenty,fi8e years. *o find
out more, .o to www.cfpa.or., or contact them at ("(,%><,0"%".
Finally, Eoin a union3or try to start one. :ccordin. to the :F-,C+, a thirty,year,old
female union member makin. M%",""" a year stands to lose about M0$",!%% o8er a lifetime
because of uneIual pay. f she@s not a union member, on the other hand, she@ll lose about
M><",%(<. f you con8ince the other men on the Eob to unioniKe the establishment, then
you@ll ha8e .reatly impro8ed your female coworkers@ li8es, and your own.
0OW WOMEN .2N SC13%3E W%/0OC/ MEN
+ 3isit a Sper' Ban9 or an 2doption 2)ency+ most communities ha8e adoption
a.encies or sperm banks a8ailable for women who would lo8e to ha8e children but, for
whate8er reason, want to do it without a man. t@s .ood for kids to ha8e two parents Gand
easier for the parents, tooAH, but e8erythin. you@8e heard about how dama.ed children turn
out to be if they were raised by a sin.le mother3well, that@s one of the /i. -ies of our
culture. n his book 0he C"lt"re of &ear) /arry 4lassner points out that Bthose raised
by sin.le mothers had income and education le8els rou.hly eIual to those raised by two
parents. )esearch shows that as a .roup, children of sin.le moms tend to fare better
emotionally and socially than do offsprin. from hi.h conflict marria.es, or from those in
which the father is emotionally absent or abusi8e.C
2+ >earn Where to Buy a Step;adder+ *here are many fine brands, siKes, and styles
a8ailable at affordable prices. *ry Home Depot at www.homedepot.com. :nd for further
information about this re8olutionary in8ention, .o to the :merican -adder nstitute 5eb
site at www.americanladderinstitute.or..
3+ When 2;; E;se Aai;s, >o=e ?ourse;f+ Some folks who can lend a hand Gso to speakH:
>y phone or online=
:ood 3i-rations
>"",(>1,>2(% or 2!$,1<2,>11"
www..ood8ibes.com
/he 4;easure .hest
>"",<$%,2$%0 fa9: %(%,0$",!!<0
www.thepleasurechest.com
Handria
>"",(2(,(>(% or 2!$,20>,%>"$ fa9: 2!$,20>,%1!(
www.9andria.com
2etail stores=
4ood ;ibrations
($"2 San Pablo :8enue
/erkeley, C: 12<"(
$!",>2!,>1><
*he Pleasure Chest
<<%% Santa Monica /l8d.
Santa Monica, C: 1""20
%(%,0$",!"((
?andria
!(!" ;alencia Street
San Francisco, C: 12!!"
2!$,1<2,>1>"
.hapter # notes
#E4#
0o* to /ric9 Nature into Ma9in) More Men
Q : company in ;ir.inia has de8eloped a method that allows you to choose the .ender
of your baby. *he 4enetic and ;F Gn ;itro FertiliKationH nstitute, an infertility clinic in
Fairfa9, ;ir.inia, uses a process that separates the male chromosome from the female
chromosome sperm, allowin. parents to determine the se9 of their baby before it is
concei8ed. /e #?*): nice to your wife before .oin. to this clinic, because ultimately it@s
her ri.ht to decide what is placed inside her body. :nd .i8e these people in ;ir.inia more
federal fundsA
Q =eep 'our Sperm Stron.. Fuit 8iolatin. yourself on a daily basis. t weakens the
sperm and lessens their numbers.
Q /efore se9, think manly thou.hts. 4o o8er the instant replay one more time in your
head. 'ou would ne8er ha8e let that ball roll between your le.s in .ame si9 of the L>0
5orld Series. Hear the crowd at Shea roar as you scoop up the ball and throw )ay =ni.ht
outA 'ou did itA 'ou da M:&A
Q Concei8e your children earlier in life. : recent epidemiolo.ical study concluded that
older parents are more likely to ha8e .irls than boys.
#E4"
Other /hin)s 2;ready 1endered Cse;ess -y Nature
Q *ypewriters
Q *he 5ashin.ton Senators
Q /osco
Q 5alkin.
Q Skorts
Q *he busy si.nal
Q /ank tellers
Q : colle.e de.ree
Q Malt,+,Meal
Q Hair on a man@s back
Q :'DS wei.ht,loss candies
Q *he Supreme Court
#E5
Mi9e&s Aantasy >ist of Wo'en 4residents
Q President Cynthia Mc=inney Gthe best person in Con.ress todayH
Q President Hillary Clinton Gonly if could .et in8ited for sleepo8ersH
Q President +prah Gthe fireside chats with Dr. Phil would sa8e us allH
Q President =atrina 8anden Heu8el Geditor of 0he ation) a perfect candidate for
president of the nationAH
Q President Sherry -ansin. Gshe runs Paramount PicturesJ she put me in a pictureJ Lnuff
saidH
Q President =aren Duffy Gcorrespondent for *; ationI would ran circles around any
forei.n leader who dared to challen.e herH
Q President Caroline =ennedy GEust because it would be ri.htH
Q President /ella :bKu. Ge8en dead she@d do better than EuniorH
Q President -ei.h *aylor,'oun. Gthe first naked woman e8er saw, in the mo8ie 0he
>ig >o"nce) also starrin. )yan +@&eal. 'ou see, there were like si9 of us .uys, all
si9teen years old, and we had snuck into the South Dort Dri8e,n, and ... oh, ne8er mind.H
#E53
0o* to Sur=i=e ?our Bed Bein) Set on Aire
Q 4et on the floor and crawl. Stay low.
Q f you can, put a wet washcloth or towel o8er your face.
Q Head in the direction where you belie8e the door is. :lways feel the door before
openin. it. f it@s hot, D+&* open it. Find another way out.
Q f she@s locked all the doors, break a window and climb out.
Q :lways keep a fire e9tin.uisher handy. Place it by the .un under your pillow if
necessary. : fresh bucket of water nearby is also recommended.
Q f you@8e been abusin. your wife, it@s probably best to wear only fire,retardant
paEamas to bed. *hey mi.ht Eust sa8e your life.
Q Call the local fire department and .et your name placed on the special BbastardC list3
the roster of local men who belie8e they stand the best chance of bein. eliminated by a@.
lo8ed one.C *he fire department will then know e9actly where you li8e and where your
bedroom is.
E%:0/
We&re Nu'-er OneI
/0E 0E28>%NE .OC>8 not ha8e been clearer: B:ll &ations on #arth Si.n 4lobal
5armin. :.reement, 6.S. )efuses.C
'es, once a.ain, the whole world hates our .uts.
/oo hoo hoo. So what@s newD
5e@re the country e8eryone lo8es to hate. :nd who can blame themD 5e ob8iously hate
oursel8es3how else can you e9plain BPresidentC 5CH n olden times, his head would
already be adornin. one of the brid.es o8er the Potomac. nstead he prances around the
world tellin. people he@s our Belected leader,C and we Eust look like i.noramuses and fools.
*he world is lau.hin. at us, not with us.
How sad3after all, not too lon. a.o thin.s were lookin. up for us internationally for
the first time in a lon. while. 5e successfully midwifed the first peace treaty in &orthern
reland. 5e .ot the warrin. factions in srael and the +ccupied *erritories to sit down and
chill out Gand for the first time the Palestinians .ot some land of their ownH. 5e finally
reco.niKed the e9istence of ;ietnam Gthou.h we still ha8en@t brou.ht oursel8es to
apolo.iKe for killin. three million of their people. .uess the 4ermans set the bar pretty
hi.hJ we were Eust few million shortH. :merican pressure on South :frica had helped free
&elson Mandela, pushed the country toward democracy, resultin. in Mandela@s election as
president.
:nd finally, we returned a little boy to his father in Cuba markin. the first time a bunch
of craKy Miamians didn@t call the shots re.ardin. our forei.n policy in this hemisphere.
'es, ha8e to say, thin.s were lookin. pretty .ood for 6ncle Sam in the eyes of the
world3until this dolt, who we are told had ne8er crossed an ocean in his life, took o8er the
controls at !0"" Pennsyl8ania :8enue.
n his first four months in office, here@s how 4eor.e 5. /ush dealt with the rest of the
world:
Q He rene.ed on our a.reement with the #uropean Community to cut our carbon
dio9ide emissions.
Q He started a new Cold 5ar, this time with China, o8er an :merican spy plane that
knocked one of their planes out of the sky, killin. the pilot.
Q He allowed the peace process in the Middle #ast to crumble, resultin. in some of the
worst slau.hter we@8e e8er seen between sraelis and Palestinians.
Q He started a new Cold 5ar with )ussia by acti8ely preparin. to 8iolate the anti,
ballistic missile G:/MH treaties of the !1<"s.
Q He threatened to unilaterally reduce our presence in the former 'u.osla8ia, resultin.
in renewed 8iolence between the ethnic .roups in the re.ion.
Q He defied 6& human ri.hts a.reements, resultin. in the 6nited &ations remo8in. the
6nited States from its Human )i.hts Commission.
Q He bombed ci8ilians in raI, Eust like Daddy did.
Q He stepped up the dru. war in South :merica, resultin. in the 6nited States helpin.
the Colombians to shoot down a plane full of :merican missionaries, killin. a Michi.an
mother and her child.
Q He cut off any hope of reducin. tensions with &orth =orea, .uaranteein. not only that
mass star8ation there will continue but that its leader, film,nut =im 7on. l, will ne8er
return his o8erdue 8ideos to /lockbuster.
Q He turned basically e8ery country in the world a.ainst us by statin. he was .oin. to
.o ahead and build the nutty BStar 5arsC missile defense system.
:ll this was accomplished in less than !(" short days3and that@s Eust in between bouts
of knockin. the wind out of our domestic policy, as we@8e already seen. *hose of us who
thou.ht 7unior was an underachie8er ha8e certainly been impressed by his .et up and .oad.
So now the world is back to hatin. us. :t least we@re back on familiar .round.
/ut on the other hand, it@s a damn shame we@8e re8erted to the role of the pariah. t was
nice ha8in. forei.ners think we were the .ood .uys for once. Clinton@s charm allowed us to
.et away with a lot: Iuietly increasin. the use of sweatshops and child labor in the *hird
5orld by :merican companies, dumpin. unsafe products in poor countries, and e9portin.
e8en worse Hollywood mo8ies abroad.
n fact, Clinton did many of the same thin.s /ush is now doin.3he Eust didn@t rub
people@s faces in it. 'ou see, Clinton was cool3so cool that most of the time few e8en
knew what he was up to, Clinton .a8e us such .ood co8er that for a few years :mericans
could tra8el safely in most countries without the threat of a mob chasin. us down and
beatin. the Ho,Ho@s out of us.
/ut now, thanks to /ush@s B/ite MeC forei.n policy, it@s a lot harder to Eustify why we
in the most arro.ant 2 percent of the world@s population should own more than a Iuarter of
its wealth. f we don@t watch our backs, all those uppity emaciated forei.ners are .oin. to
start thinkin. they deser8e their own di.ital pa.ers and recessed li.htin.. :nd the doubters
and naysayers who abound in oppressed countries may catch on that Eust the three richest
men in :merica own more personal assets than the combined assets owned by the entire
populations of the si9ty poorest countries.
5hat if the teemin. billions of :sia, :frica, and -atin :merica .et to thinkin. that the
one billion of them without clean drinkin. water should actually have itD Do you know
what that would costD :t least ($ percent of our BStar 5arsC pro.ramA
:nd what if the %" percent of the world still not wired3to electricity3suddenly wants
to screw in a li.ht bulb and read a bookD ?hoa5 -ook outA
My .reatest fear comes from the $" percent of our fellow #arthlin.s who ha8e never
made a phone call5 5hat if all of sudden they .et the idea to phone home on Mother@s
Day, or start tyin. up the lines with calls for sushi take,outD Ha8en@t they heard there aren@t
any more phone numbers to .o aroundD *here@s no reason to heap more an.er onto these
peopleJ they@re already mad enou.h at us, thanks to /ush@s sorry performance. Plus, we .ot
bi..er fish to nuke.
5hose dumb idea was it to i.nore the )ussians@ offer fifteen years ago to .et rid of
all nuclear weaponsD Has e8eryone for.otten they were willin. to disarm "nilaterally
after the old So8iet 6nion dissol8edD 5ay back in !1>0 Gbefore the breakup of the 6SS)H,
at the summit in celand, Mikhail 4orbache8 put on the table a .oal of Bfinal elimination
of the nuclear weapons by the year (""". C GHe couldn@t make a deal with )ea.an because
of )ea.an@s refusal to .i8e up de8elopin.3you .uessed it3BStar 5ars.CH n case )ea.an
didn@t hear him the first time, 4orbache8 reiterated the offer to /ush the #lected in !1>1:
B*o keep the peace in #urope we need nuclear arms control, not nuclear deterrence. /est of
all would be the abolition of nuclear weapons.C
:t that time, we had li8ed for nearly forty years under the constant and imminent threat
of nuclear annihilation. :nd then suddenly one day the Commies were .one and the Cold
5ar was o8er. 5e were left holdin. more than twenty thousand nuclear warheads3and the
e9,So8iets had thirty,nine thousand for themsel8es. *hat was enou.h firepower to blow up
the entire world forty times o8er.
think most of "s born in the /aby /oom .rew up thinkin. there was probably no way
we were .oin. to .et to the end of our natural li8es without at least an BaccidentalC
launchin. of one of those missiles. How could it be a8oidedD 5ith that many weapons Eust
waitin. to be fired at a moment@s notice, it seemed ine8itable that either some nut case with
a tri..er fin.er would hit *he /utton, or some misunderstandin. would lead to an allout
attack, or some terrorist would .et his hands on the materials and set one off by himself. 5e
cowered under a cloud of fear, which affected e8erythin. we did as a nation. :nd we spent
trillions tryin. to alle8iate that fear3by buildin. e8en more weapons of mass destruction.
Spendin. all this ta9 money on a bunch of useless warheads we
hoped ne8er to use, we let our schools .o to hell, we failed to pro8ide health care for
our citiKens, and more than half of our scientists ended up workin. on proEects for the
military instead of disco8erin. the cure for cancer or the ne9t .reat in8ention to impro8e
our Iuality of life.
*he M($" billion the Penta.on plans to spend in (""! to build (,>"" new Eoint Strike
Fi.hter planes is more than enou.h to pay the tuition of e8ery colle.e student in :merica.
*he proposed increase in monies for the Penta.on o8er the ne9t four years is M!.0
trillion. *he amount the 4eneral :ccountin. +ffice says is needed to reno8ate and
up.rade e8ery school in :merica is M!!( billion.
f we decided not to build the rest of the F,(( fi.hter Eets the :ir Force asked for back
durin. the Cold 5ar Gwhich Clinton, and now /ush the Selected, still insist on fundin.H,
that moneyM2$ billion3would fully fund Head Start preschool for e8ery child in :merica
who needed it, for the ne$t si$ years.
n the mid,!1>"s, another remarkable thin. happened. Challen.in. )ea.an to follow
his lead, 4orbache8 also announced that the So8iet 6nion would no lon.er test any new
nuclear weapons. 4orbache8 said he was takin. this action whether the 6nited States
Eoined him or not. t was a stunnin. moment3for.otten now, @m sure, by most :mericans.
t was the first time any of us were .i8en a stitch of hope that maybe we wouldn@t blow
oursel8es to smithereens after all.
*he insane arms race that we started and the So8iets felt compelled to keep up with
e8entually contributed to the bankruptcy of the 6SS). /y the time the So8iets built their
first :,bomb in !121, the 6nited States already had (%$ of them. *en years later we had
!$,20> nuclear weaponsJ the )ussians were way behind, with BonlyC !,"0". /ut o8er the
ne9t twenty years the So8iet 6nion spent billions more on bombs3while its people
shi8ered in the cold3and sure enou.h they finally cau.ht up with us. /y
!1<> they had a whoppin. ($,%1% nuclear warheads3while we had runnin. water,
Ste8ie &icks, and a comfortable (2,2(2 nukes.
4orbache8 inherited a nation that was broke, its people hun.ry and yearnin. for the
occasional roll of toilet paper.
/ut e8en as the 6SS) was on the brink of dissol8in. in !1>1, it was maintainin. an
unbelie8able % 1,""" nuclear warheads. *he Penta.on Eust sat back and lau.hed3our boys
were fine with their measly ((,>(<. 5as 5ashin.ton@s real mission to dri8e the
Communists into such po8erty that their people would e8entually re8oltD 4orbache8, who
had this fi.ured out, threw in the towel3but it was too late. /y the end of !11! the So8iet
6nion was no more.
n the euphoria of that moment, the new )ussian and 6krainian leaders, ea.er to
distance themsel8es from the days of old, came out of the .ate offerin. do8es and oli8e
branches to the 6nited States. *he 6krainians said they were out of the arms race business,
and immediately decommissioned their warheads. *he
)ussians turned off all the computer coordinates that had pointed their missiles at
8arious 6.S. cities. *hen they offered to Eoin the :mericans in a permanent elimination of
atomic weapons.
:nd what was our response to this incredible, unprecedented offerD
Uip.
*hat did not deter the )ussians. *hey waited patiently for an answer. *hey continued to
wait. :nd they waited some more, trustin. that we@d e8entually take them up on their
.enerous offer.
*hey also hoped we mi.ht show a little compassion and send them some food, a little
modern machinery, a couple of li.ht bulbs3anythin. that would lift them out of their
misery. *hey assumed we would do for them what we did for 5estern #urope after 5orld
5ar 3a relief and rebuildin. effort that has resulted in a continuous and unbroken peace
in 5estern #urope for more than fifty,fi8e years, the lon.est in centuries.
'es, the )ussians fi.ured life was about to .et a lot better and the world a whole lot
safer.
5ell, you know what happened. &ada. 5e Eust let them sit there and rot while the
)ussian mob took o8er. Discontent and despair .rew amon. the people. *he kni.ht in
shinin. armor ne8er came as promised. Food shorta.es continued, the infrastructure
collapsed, and the proletariat still had to run outside to take a crap. *heir new president,
/oris 'eltsin, turned out to be a drunk and a buffoon, and because they were unwillin. to
turn their country into a sweatshop for :merican corporations Gas China hadH, there was no
.ushin. pipeline of dollars flowin. into the former 6SS). Hardline politicians from the
dark side of )ussian politics seiKed office, and the opportunity to eliminate their twenty,
fi8e thousand still,operational nuclear warheads Eust faded away.
&ow the new )ussian leaders talk of buildin. more weapons3and of sellin. arms to
ran and &orth =orea.
5e had missed the chance of a lifetime3to end an insane arms race and create a new
ally in the new world order. *he window of opportunity wasn@t open lon.3and it went as
fast as )asputin rumma.in. throu.h Monica -ewinsky@s handba..
Monica -ewinsky. *hat@s how we spent the latter half of the nineties, fi9ated on a
fri..in@ stain on a blue dress. +ur Con.ress put aside insi.nificant matters like sparin. the
world from nuclear annihilation to focus on how e9actly a Commander,in,Chief inserts a
ci.ar into an intern. *H:* is what captured our undi8ided attention3alon. with slow,
mo8in. /roncos, si9 year,old stran.led beauty Iueens, and Hu.h 4rant@s datin. habits. 5e
had a chance to make the world safe for .enerations to come, but we were too .reedy
enEoyin. the or.y bein. thrown on 5all Street. *hat@s what happens in a nation of slackers
and crooks. 7oyfully and willin.ly keepin. oursel8es as stupid as possible about what is
happenin. beyond the Chem-awn in the front yard. :fter all, that@s our Eob as leaders of the
free world.
/ut, hey, don@t despairA :mon. the top twenty industrialiKed nations, 5#@)# number
oneAA
We&re nu'-er one in millionaires.
We&re nu'-er one in billionaires.
We&re nu'-er one in military spendin..
We&re nu'-er one in firearm deaths.
We&re nu'-er one in beef production.
We&re nu'-er one in per capita ener.y use.
We&re nu'-er one in carbon dio9ide emissions Gmore than :ustralia, /raKil, Canada,
France, ndia, ndonesia, 4ermany, taly, Me9ico, and the 6nited =in.dom combinedH.
We&re nu'-er one in total and per capita municipal waste G<(" kilo.rams per person
per yearH.
We&re nu'-er one in haKardous waste produced Gby a factor of more than twenty
times our nearest competitor, 4ermanyH.
We&re nu'-er one in oil consumption.
We&re nu'-er one in natural .as consumption.
We&re nu'-er one in the least amount of ta9 re8enue .enerated Gas a percenta.e of
.ross domestic productH.
We&re nu'-er one in the least amount of federal and state .o8ernment e9penditure Gas
a percenta.e of 4DPH.
We&re nu'-er one in bud.et deficit Gas a percenta.e of 4DPH.
We&re nu'-er one in daily per capita consumption of calories.
We&re nu'-er one in lowest 8oter turnout.
We&re nu'-er one in number of political parties represented in the lower or sin.le
house.
We&re nu'-er one in recorded rapes Gby a factor of almost three times our nearest
competitor3CanadaH.
We&re nu'-er one in inEuries and deaths from road accidents Galmost twice as many as
runner,up CanadaH.
We&re nu'-er one in births to mothers under the a.e of twenty Ga.ain, more than
twice as many as Canada, and nearly twice as many as number two &ew UealandH.
We&re nu'-er one in the number of international human ri.hts treaties not si.ned.
We&re nu'-er one amon. countries in the 6nited &ations with a le.ally constituted
.o8ernment to not ratify the 6& Con8ention on the )i.hts of the Child.
We&re nu'-er one in number of known e9ecutions of child offenders.
We&re nu'-er one in likelihood of children under the a.e of fifteen to die from
.unfire.
We&re nu'-er one in likelihood of children under the a.e of fifteen to commit suicide
with a .un.
We&re nu'-er one in lowest ei.hth,.rade math scores.
We&re nu'-er one in becomin. the first society in history in which the poorest .roup
in the population are children.
Pause for a moment and reflect on that list. Doesn@t it make the heart swell with a sense
of pride, knowin. that we as :mericans3and no one else3can .et to the top in so
many cate.oriesD Sorta makes you nostal.ic for the days when #ast 4ermany won all the
medals at the +lympics. *his is no easy feat to pull off, folks. 4i8e yoursel8es a pat on the
back, and the rich another ta9 cut.
n the interest of tryin. to be more empathetic toward those in the other !1! nations on
earth, @d like to offer a few su..estions to help brin. about world peace. modestly call
this BMike@s
Comprehensi8e Peace Plan.C *he way look at it, we@re all stuck on this island, no one
.ets to claim immunity3and no one@s .ettin. 8oted off any time soon. So whether it@s
simply the ri.ht thin. to do, or it@s because we don@t want to end up with a /in -aden
lurkin. in e8ery airport in :merica, we need to help set some thin.s ri.ht in the world.
would be.in in the Middle #ast, &orthern reland, the former 'u.osla8ia, and &orth
=orea.
/0E 0O>? >2N8
Such a nice name3the Holy -and3for a place with more e8il acts per sIuare mile than
the ;P room at Satan@s annual marshmallow roast.
n 7anuary of !1>>, Eust one month after the be.innin. of the First Palestinian ntifada,
a few friends and tra8eled to srael, the 5est /ank, and 4aKa to see for oursel8es what all
the commotion was about.
:lthou.h in my life had already tra8eled throu.h Central :merica, China, Southeast
:sia, and other parts of the Middle #ast, wasn@t ready for what saw in the refu.ee camps
in the +ccupied *erritories. had ne8er encountered such sIualor, debasement, and utter
misery. *o force human bein.s to li8e in these conditions3and do so at the barrel of a .un,
for more than forty years3Eust made no sense.
am deeply saddened and an.ered by the horror and misery the 7ewish citiKens of this
earth ha8e had to endure. &o .roup has consistently seen more death and torture come their
way than the 7ews, at the hands of a bi.otry that has lasted not Eust centuries but
millennia.
5hat amaKes me is not the nature of this hatred3after all, ethnic war seems a fact of
life3but the consistency with which it has been passed down, for thousands of years. Hate
isn@t like a
4randfather clock or a .old watchJ you can@t lea8e it behind for your ne9t of kin. f my
.reat,.reat,.reat,.randfather hated Canadians or Presbyterians, would ha8e absolutely no
way of knowin. about it. :nd yet somehow hatred of 7ews has been passed down, like a
lan.ua.e or a son. or an oral tradition, amon. so many people. 6sually we humans are able
to shake our bad ideas. )emember B*he earth is flatCD 5e stopped pushin. that nonsense
si9 hundred years a.oA 5e@8e .otten o8er the one about Creation takin. only until Saturday
ni.ht, and the one about e..s bein. bad for your cholesterol. So why ha8en@t people wised
up and sent their bi.otry a.ainst 7ews to the same dustbin that holds our Seals and Croft
recordsD
5ell, here@s one complicatin. factor in the case of the Palestinians: the unfortunate
thin. about us humans is that once abused, some of us seek to abuse others. t@s no surprise
that abused kids .row up to abuse their own kids. :fter the :mericans bombed the
peaceful, neutral Cambodians o8er and o8er and o8er, slau.hterin. hundreds of thousands
of them durin. the Fietnam 5ar, it shouldn@t ha8e been a shock when the =illin. Fields
followed and Cambodians turned the slau.hter on each other. :fter the So8iet 6nion lost
o8er twenty million citiKens in
5orld 5ar , it@s no surprise that they sou.ht insurance a.ainst future in8asion by
seiKin. and dominatin. nearly e8ery country that bordered them.
Sometimes people Eust .o craKy from too much abuse and 8iolence and take drastic,
irrational measures to protect themsel8es.
don@t want to in8ol8e myself in the 8arious ar.uments about why srael was created,
or what the historical or biblical claims are to the land. )ather, want to deal with the
situation at handwhich is the on.oin. killin. on both sides of the Iuestion: the continued
hatred toward the 7ews by the Palestinians, and the appallin. oppression of the Palestinians
by the sraelis.
t@s true that there@s also much oppression of Palestinians in :rab countries, where
Palestinians aren@t allowed to 8ote or own property and are treated as second,class citiKens
and pawns in the fi.ht a.ainst srael. /ut @m not .oin. to spend my time on this, since
there isn@t a whole lot can do about it. 'ou and don@t .i8e M% billion a year to Syria, as
we do to srael. :nd since that@s our money, we must consider oursel8es responsible for
the oppression, killin., and apartheid conditions that ha8e been created in srael@s +ccupied
*erritories.
*he fi.htin. in the Middle #ast has .ot to stop3and now. srael has nuclear weapons,
some :rab countries soon will, and we@d better stop this madness Iuickly before we :--
pay a hu.e price for it.
, for one, don@t want apartheid bein. funded in my name anywhere. belie8e Gstop me
if you@8e heard this beforeH that all human bein.s deser8e the ri.ht to self,determination,
the ri.ht to the ballot, the ri.ht to ha8e life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. :rabs who
li8e in the 5est /ank and 4aKa ha8e none of this. *hey are not free to tra8el. *hey are
under constant curfew. *hey are ta9ed with no representation. *hey are arrested and Eailed
without trial. *heir homes are bulldoKed without warnin.. *heir land is stolen and .i8en to
Bsettlers.C *heir children are murdered for throwin. stones3or for Eust walkin. down the
street.
+f course they throw stonesA +f course they kill sraeli settlersA *hat@s what abused
people do3they fi.ht back, and abuse others. 5ho should know this better than the
sraelisD *he world butchers them to near,e9tinction in the last century, and they@ll be
damned if they@re .oin. to be annihilated in this millennium.
:t times like this, those of us who ha8e been fortunate enou.h to a8oid this kind of
sufferin. in our own li8es must step in and stop the killin.. *hat is what want my country
to do. :nd here@s how: O"it sending over a blan! chec!) and start getting in
there #ith both parties to stop the barbarism. My plan:
!. Con.ress should inform srael that it has thirty days to end the bloodshed perpetrated
in itsNour name3or we cut off the entire M% billion. ndi8idual terrorism is bad enou.h, but
state sponsored terrorism is truly e8il. understand that the world will always ha8e the
occasional lone craKy with .rie8ances he feels compelled to a8en.e with 8iolence. /ut for
the sraelis, a .roup of otherwise .ood and intelli.ent people, to collecti8ely enforce a
system of terror a.ainst another .roup simply because of their race or reli.ion is
unconscionable. :nd you and and millions of other ta9payin. :mericans put up the
money for srael@s unconscionable actions3actions that could not e9ist if each of us wasn@t
ha8in. 2 cents taken from our paychecks today and e8ery day to buy the bullets that .o into
the sraeli .uns that kill the Palestinian children.
(. f it wants to keep recei8in. our ta9 dollars, srael should be .i8en a year to work out
a plan with the Palestinians to create a nation called Palestine Gformed from the 5est /ank,
4aKa, and some strip of land that connects themH. *his new nation of Palestine must then
present a Constitution that not only prohibits any form of a..ression a.ainst srael but also
.uarantees full democratic ri.hts to e8ery Palestinian man, woman, and child.
%. *he 6nited States will then .i8e Palestine do"ble what it has .i8en srael in fundin.
Gfor a permanent peace, @d .ladly .i8e up my portion of this3pennies a weekH. *his is not
free cash for corrupt public officials like the ones we ha8e in our country. *his is Marshall
Plan,style direct aid that builds roads, schools, and industries that pro8ide decent,payin.
Eobs.
2. *he 6nited &ations should then commit to defendin. srael a.ainst anyone who still
wants it destroyed3and 8ow to defend a democratic Palestine from its nei.hborin. :rab
re.imes Gwho are .oin. to .o bonkers if their own oppressed peoples see how .ood these
Palestinian :rabs ha8e it li8in. in freedom and prosperityH.
+f course, who@s .oin. to listen to meD :pparently it@s too much fun continuin. this
stupid soap opera o8er a wed.e of land you can cross in the time it takes to .et from
+akland to San Francisco in rush hour.
5ell, maybe there is one person who will listen.
8ear 4resident 2rafatF
5e@8e ne8er met. *hat@s not an attempt to cop an in8ite o8er for dinner or a .ame of
horseshoes. 'ou@re a busy man, @m a busy man Gthou.h can@t .et anyone in the office
here to call me President, or respond to my directi8es with, B'a, SirACH.
Sorry. *hat@s the kind of humor that has kept me rele.ated to appearin. only on basic
cable in :merica GChannel 02, ri.ht after the talian lan.ua.e station in &ew 'ork CityH.
ha8e the key to your success. know how you can unilaterally end the killin. on both
sides3and, as a bonus, #ind "p with a Palestinian state5
know, you@re thinkin., BHey, who is this .uyDC :nd you@re ri.ht.
/ut hear me out. want to propose somethin. so re8olutionary that it will flip out e8ery
sraeli ri.ht,win.er and send e8ery sraeli peacenik runnin. to your side.
My proposal is not a new idea. t in8ol8es no armies, no money, and no 6& resolutions.
t@s dirt cheap. t has been tried many times, in many countries3:&D * H:S &#;#)
F:-#D. t demands no hatred and reIuires no weapons. n fact, it is all about no
#eapons.
t@s called mass non8iolent ci8il disobedience. t worked for Martin -uther =in. 7r.3
his non8iolent mo8ement brou.ht an abrupt end to le.al se.re.ation in :merica. t worked
for 4andhi3he and his fellow ndians brou.ht the /ritish #mpire to its knees without
firin. a shot. t worked for &elson Mandela3he and the :frican &ational Con.ress brou.ht
about an end to apartheid with no 8iolent re8olution.
f it worked for them, trust me, it can work for you.
Sure, you can still win throu.h 8iolence. *he ;ietnamese pro8ed that they could whip
the mi.htiest country on earth. :nd look at us3we spent ei.ht years pickin. off )edcoats,
and .ot oursel8es a bi. country out of all the shootin.A
So killin. does work, .uess. *he only problem is, after the killin. stops you@re a little
messed in the head, and it takes a while before you learn to put down your .uns G(($ years
later and #e still ha8en@t learnedH.
/ut if you@d like to try the nonviolent approach, you not only .et to see fewer people
die3you .et your own country in the endA
Here@s how it works:
+ <ust sit your ass do*n+ *hat@s it. t@s simple. 'ou Eust lay your bodies down3often
Eust a few thousand in the middle of the road will do3and don@t mo8e and don@t fi.ht back
when they try to dra. you away. nstead of srael always shuttin. down the borders to 4aKa
and the 5est /ank, you shut them down. 7ust march peacefully up to the checkpoint and
then sit down. &o sraelis will be able to .et to their settlements. &o sraelis will be able to
transport .oods and natural resources from your land into srael. *here is no sraeli 8ehicle
know of that can dri8e o8er mounds of thousands of people Gnot e8en a pair of snow tires
will do the EobAH. +f course, they may try, and a number of your people may be inEured or
killed. Still, don@t mo8e. Eust sit. *he world will be watchin.3especially if you embrace
the wonderful world of public relations, and alert the media to your plans. G*rust me, C&&
will take your call.H :nd you@ll end up with far fewer dead Palestinians than you yield
under your current plan.
2+ .a;; a )enera; stri9e+ )efuse to work for the sraelis. *heir economy is based on the
near,sla8e labor you pro8ide them. Don@t do it anymore. 5ho will do all their shitwork for
them if Palestinians won@tD +ther sraelisD don@t think soA *hey need you and your
willin.ness to break your backs for them for substandard wa.es. 5atch how Iuickly a deal
is struck once e8ery sin.le :rab refuses to .o to work. +f course, they@ll try to break you.
*hey will cut off your water, your roads, your food3but you must stand firm. Stockpile,
then strike non8iolently, and ne8er .i8e in. *hey will.
: few years back, o8er a million sraelis attended a Peace &ow rally in *el :8i8. *hat
was an amaKin. si.ht. t also means that you, the Palestinians, ha8e a million 7ewish alliesa
third of the country3in the nation you know as your enemy. : million of your BenemiesC
will come to your aid if you protest in a non8iolent way. *ry itA /etween your people and
theirs, you will outnumber those in srael who want to dri8e you into the sea.
6nfortunately, know your inclination is to keep drawin. blood. 'ou think this will
brin. you liberation. t will not. t will turn you into those who are now killin. you. :nd if
you ha8en@t fi.ured out one thin. about the sraelis by now, you@d better .et a clue3they
ain@t .oin@ any#here. For 4od@s sake, man3they had si9 million of their people
massacred by the most ad8anced ci8iliKation on earth. Do you think they@re .oin. to let a
few stones and car bombs .et in the way of their own sur8i8alD *hey li8e in a world where
they@re isolated and all alone. *hey won@t Iuit until you or the rest of the earth annihilates
e8ery last one of them. s that what you wantD #8ery last 7ew wiped from the planetD f it
is, then you need serious help3and you@re .onna ha8e to .et past me before you touch
another one of their children.
/ut if, as suspect, you would prefer peace and Iuiet to constant war and displacement,
then you must lay down all arms, lay down your bodies in the middle of the road and
then ... Eust wait. 'es, the sraelis will beat many of your people. *hey will dra. your
women by the hair, they will sic do.s on you, they may e8en .et out the firehoses Gand
other tricks they@8e learned from us :mericansH. '+6 M6S* &+* F4H* /:C=A *rust
me, when the pictures of your sufferin. at the hands of these brutes .o out across the world,
there will be such an outcry that the sraeli .o8ernment will be unable to continue its
oppression.
5ell, there you .o. f you want, will come and Eoin you in your non8iolent protest. t@s
the least can do after helpin. finance the bullets and bombs that ha8e killed your people.
'ours,
Michael Moore
/0E CN%/E8 @%N:8OM OA :1E2/ B1%/2%N 2N8
NO1/0E1N %1E>2N8
Once a)ain, the na'e itse;f )i=es it a*ayF the peop;e in char)e of this one !ne#
they were runnin. a scam. f the 6nited =in.dom felt it had any real moral authority to
claim Eurisdiction o8er &orthern reland, it would simply declare it part of 4reat /ritain and
lea8e it at that, without drawin. attention to a si9,county area across a sea that it has no
business claimin..
&ow don@t .et me wron.3@8e come to like the /ritish people. /ritish networks and
studios fund my work when the :mericans won@t. *he /rits3if you@ll allow me a
sweepin. .eneraliKation that can be dispro8ed at any /ritish soccer riotare an intelli.ent
people with a .reat sense of humor and a rabid appreciation of political satire. 6nlike us,
they ha8e numerous media outlets G-ondon alone has ele8en daily papers, and their four
national networks ha8e more to offer on any .i8en ni.ht than our two hundred plus
channels combinedH. *he /ritish media offer a wide spectrum of editorial 8iewpoints. &o
one is left out of the political discourse in the 6nited =in.dom.
#9cept the Catholics of &orthern reland.
:s with the Palestinian Bsituation,C @m not .oin. to spend time rehashin. ei.ht
hundred years of history, so let me .et ri.ht to the present conundrum. Catholics in
&orthern reland are second,class citiKens whose ri.hts are continually 8iolated, who are
kept on the lowest tier economically, and who li8e under the thumb of an occupational
force of /ritish soldiers. *his has led to a lot of random killin. in the past thirty,three years.
/ill Clinton was able to brin. the two sides to.ether durin. his presidency, and helped work
out a peace settlement that would ha8e included Catholics in the power structure of
&orthern reland. #8eryone was relie8ed and hopeful.
/ut that hope didn@t last lon., as the Protestants soon insisted they wouldn@t share
power until e8ery ): .un was turned in. Most saw this as an e9cuse to try and back out of
the a.reement, and new bloodshed ensued. Since then, prospects ha8e .rown bleak.
*his nonsense has .one on lon. enou.h. ha8e a solution that will brin. permanent
peace to the area:
Convert the Protestants of orthern (reland to Catholicism.
*hat@s ri.ht. &o more bickerin. and battlin. o8er reli.ion when e8eryone belon.s to the
same reli.ionA &aturally, most of the Protestants won@t want to con8ert3but since when
has that stopped the Catholic ChurchD From the Crusades of the Middle :.es to the
Spanish conIuistadors of -atin :merica, the Church has always known how to Bcon8inceC
the nati8es to see the li.ht.
/ecause Catholics already make up 2% percent of &orthern reland, we need to con8ert
only > percent of the Protestants to create a Catholic maEority. *hat ou.ht to be a cinch.
#specially once the Protestants consider the followin. benefits of bein. a )oman Catholic:
One )uy in char)e7the Pope. *here are se8eral thousand Protestant sects. Some are
run by committee, some by an elected chair, others simply run like a food co,op, with no
one callin. the shots. 4oin. Catholic means ha8in. a leader for life) someone unafraid of
makin. a decision, .i8in. the faithful a fi9ed set of rules and boundaries that .i8e one@s life
order and clarity. :nd after the Pope dies, no messy elections3a couple hundred .uys
wearin. red .ather in a room, 8ote, and a puff of white smoke out of the chimney tells
e8eryone the decision has been made. &o campai.n speeches, no panderin. to the
electorate, no recounts.
Q More sex+ Catholics, as we all know, ha8e more babies, and so, you know, that means
only one thin.more se9A Sorry, but in the Catholic Church you can@t .et the babies without
the se9. :nd who couldn@t use a little e9tra se9 these daysD @m tellin. you, let those
Protestant +ran.emen know they@re .oin. to be .ettin. some, and watch how fast they end
those silly parades.
Q More days off+ *he Catholic Church has si9 official Holy Days. n countries where
the maEority of citiKens practice Catholicism, these are fully paid days off from work and
schooldays off for the kids. Can you name one Protestant Holy Day3not countin. the day
the #ddie /auer Christmas catalo. comes outD didn@t think so.
Q Aree a;coho;+ 'ou .o to Mass e8ery day, you .et a free drink of wine. *rue, you must
accept that you@re drinkin. the /lood of Christ, but hey, you can do thatA How many times
ha8e you told people that the .in and tonic you are nursin. is BEust waterCD Ha8e a little
faithA
Q .atho;ic )ir;s Gsee abo8eH.
Q 2 )uaranteed spot in hea=en at the ri.ht hand of 4od himselfA t@s all there in the
/ible37esus made Peter the head of the Church, and then he made it clear that only
members of the Bone true Catholic churchC .et past the 8el8et rope at the pearly .ates. So
you can continue your alle.iance to the Fueen and then burn in hell for eternity3or you
can .et on the B: listC and enEoy Fore8er with a first,class seat.
+nce a list like the one abo8e is made a8ailable to the Protestant population of &orthern
reland, it will only be a matter of hours before we see a mad rush toward the .ates of the
Falls )oad. :nd here@s the easy part3 any Catholic may perform the sacrament of /aptism
if one belie8es that the non,Catholic may die without e8er bein. sa8ed. think it@s safe to
say that includes all of the Protestants of the 6nited =in.dom.
:ll you need is a little water to pour o8er any Protestant@s forehead, and then repeat the
followin. words3 B baptiKe thee in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy 4host,
:men.C
*hat@s itA t takes lon.er to Eoin 5ei.ht 5atchersA G:nd if the Protestants seem
reluctant, then Catholics can Eust run throu.h Protestant nei.hborhoods3not with .uns, but
with .arden hoses blessed by the parish priest. Spray the baptismal waters at them, shout
the words3and then start runnin. like hell.H
/0E AO1ME1 ?C:OS>23%2
*his .odforsaken corner of the world has been the source of much of our collecti8e
misery for the last century. ts residents@ inability to .et alon.3with Serbs fi.htin. Croats
fi.htin. Muslims fi.htin. Macedonians fi.htin. :lbanians fi.htin. =oso8ars fi.htin.
Serbs3can be traced to the followin. sin.le e8ent: in !1!2 a Serb anarchist by the name of
4a8rilo Princip assassinated the :rchduke Ferdinand. *his incident kicked off 5orld 5ar
!. 5hich led to 5orld 5ar !!. +8er fifty million people died from both wars.
don@t know what it is about these people. mean, don@t .o around killin. *e9ans.
don@t .o burn down whole 8illa.es in Florida. @8e learned to li8e with it. 5hy can@t theyD
t hasn@t always been this 8iolent in 'u.osla8ia. :fter 5orld 5ar !!, those few
'u.osla8ians who had fou.ht a.ainst Hider Gmostly the SerbsJ the Croats and others
welcomed the &aKis and their Final Solution with open armsH took o8er and formed a
Communist .o8ernment under the leadership of Marshall *ito.
*ito refused to answer to Moscow, and set off on his own mission of unitin. the ethnic
factions of his country.
For nearly forty years the people of 'u.osla8ia stopped killin. each other. *hey became
a ci8iliKed country. *hey made 'u.os. /asketball became the national sport. -ife was .ood.
*hen *ito died, and all hell broke loose. Croats started killin. Serbs. Serbs killed
Muslims in /osnia. Serbs killed :lbanians in =oso8o. *hen the 6nited States bombed
=oso8o, to show them killin. was wron.. n the past few years there has been peace, then
war, then peace a.ain, and now war a.ain. t ne8er stops. *hese people are addicts.
:nd that means it@s time for an inter8ention.
&ot a military one, but a twel8e,step inter8ention, the kind you do with an alcoholic.
am su..estin. to the people of the former 'u.osla8ia that you take a pled.e to wean
yoursel8es off the 8iolence. Set up weekly meetin.s in church basements all across the
country Gwhat@s left of itH, sit in a circle, and .et it3whate8er BitC is off your chest. 'es,
you can smoke there, and there@s plenty of coffee.
f you don@t do this, we are .oin. to drop thousands of those shitty little 'u.o cars from
car.o planes hi.h abo8e your country. t will ne8er be safe to .o out of the house because
you@ll ne8er know when one of those (,"""3pound lemons is headin. for your head.
*hen a.ain, maybe science has a better solution: perhaps this is that occasion we@8e
been lookin. for, to in8ent a way to brin. someone back from the dead. &obody in :merica
liked *ito much when he was ali8e, but now he looks like -ady /ird 7ohnson. f we can
clone humans, shouldn@t we be able to brin. one back who@s already been ali8eD wouldn@t
mind seein. the 6.S. 4o8ernment commit a few billion dollars to this -aKarus ProEect. *hat
bi. lu. in his silly hat takin. char.e of his unruly citiKens once more would be a si.ht for
sore eyes. n the name of the millions who didn@t need to die in the twentieth century thanks
to 'u.osla8ian misbeha8ior, we may ha8e no other hope to restore 'u.osla8ian domestic
peace and tranIuility. :rise, *itoA
NO1/0 @O1E2
Here@s the thin. about &orth =orea@s ruler, =im 7on. l: he@s a h"ge mo8ie buff, with a
home collection of more than fifteen thousand 8ideos. Maybe he@s been lookin. to all those
mo8ies for .uidance on how to sa8e the oppressed and star8in. people of his country. /ut
since his fa8orite films Gin addition to porno.raphyH apparently include :merican westerns,
#liKabeth *aylor mo8ies, and the Friday the 1,th series, it Eust may be that he@s lookin. at
the wron. mo8ies.
*he dictatorNfilm fan has also written a book on the art of the cinema, and e8en founded
a film school. B=im 7on. l watches e8ery sin.le film made in &orth =orea,C said =im Hae
'oun., a &orth =orean actress who defected to the South. BHe .i8es comments on actin.,
directin., and e8erythin. else. f he compliments some actor, he or she suddenly becomes a
star.C
He shares an appreciation of the whimsical world of entertainment with his eldest son,
=im 7ohn,nam, who recently flew to 7apan, desperate to 8isit the new 7apanese Disney
5orld. He used a fake Dominican )epublic passport Gsure, he looks DominicanAH to try to
.ain entry to the country. 5hen immi.ration realiKed who he was, they called his daddy
and had him sent back to his room in &orth =orea.
=im 7on. l reportedly recei8es blood transfusions from youn. 8ir.ins on a re.ular
basis Bto slow the a.in. process.C He is also an a8id sports fan, and fully understands the
difference between Kone and man,to,man defense in :merican basketball. He wears
platform shoes to increase his hei.ht, and is rumored to be the lar.est indi8idual purchaser
of Hennessy Co.nac in the world.
*he problem is, millions of people are star8in. to death in &orth =orea, mostly because
=im 7on. l is also a dictator who spends ($ percent of his country@s 4&P on the military.
&ow you can .et away with that if you@re an :merican3 mean, we@8e .ot a lot of amber
wa8es of .rain, so we won@t GallH star8e .i8in. the maEority of our money to the Penta.on.
/ut in &orth =orea, a rocky peninsula with lots of snails, you Eust can@t operate from that
scenario.
Since !12>, when the =orean peninsula was di8ided into the Communist &orth and
capitalistNfascist South, the citiKens of both =oreas ha8e endured harsh conditions. *hey@8e
li8ed throu.h the =orean 5ar, which ne8er officially ended Gwe@re still in BceasefireC
modeH, decades of repression and isolation Gwhich for South =orea ended with the pro,
democracy mo8ement of the !1>"s, but for &orth =orea continues todayH, economic
depri8ation, floods, and famine. &orth =oreans ha8e only been allowed reunions with
family members from South =orea twice in more than fifty years: in !1>$, Eust fifty people
from each side were allowed to meet with their relati8es, and in :u.ust of (""", one
hundred more were permitted reunions.
=im 7on. l, referred to in &orth =orea as BDear -eader,C has a reputation for bein. an
eccentric, irresponsible playboy. B*he assessment a couple of years a.o was of a drunken
kook who didn@t understand the world around him,C a former senior Clinton official has
said. :fter he succeeded his father3who ruled the country from !12> to !1123as the
country@s official leader, =im was accused of bein. responsible for the bombin. deaths of
se8eral members of the South =orean cabinet, and for the e9plosion of a South =orean
ci8ilian airliner. He has a hu.e army, and is e8en suspected of ha8in. the atomic bomb.
n the past two years, thou.h, =im 7on. l has be.un showin. si.ns of a chan.e of
heart, si.ns that he@s emer.in. from the shadows. 5hen the famine be.an in !11$, =im
refused to allow forei.n aid workers free access to the countryside, and had some food aid
di8erted to the army. /ut last year he allowed almost !$" representati8es of international
.o8ernmental or.aniKations to set up camp in &orth =orea. He recently hosted a summit
with the president of South =orea, who has been encoura.in. &orth =orea to end its
dan.erous isolation. *hen =im e8en allowed a 8isit from 6.S. Secretary of State Madeleine
:lbri.ht, who found him capable of ha8in. serious diplomatic discussions. G*hey actually
hit it off Iuite wellJ he dra..ed her to a bunch of e8entsshows, dinners ... and mo8ies.H
&ow that =im is .ettin. in the .roo8e3and realiKin., like me, that sittin. in a dark
theater watchin. all kinds of mo8ies can be the road to peace and tranIuillity Ghe alle.edly
had two film producers kidnapped from South =orea to make documentaries in &orth
=oreaH3 ha8e a number of ideas that may help the wacky dictator sa8e his country from
total destruction:
Q Watch -etter 'o=ies+ =im 7on. l has .ot to broaden himself past the porn and 7ohn
5ayne. He once remarked that he was so mo8ed by the performance of -eonardo DiCaprio
that he Bprobably could not bear to watch 0itanic a second time.C 5e understand, Here is
the list of tapes plan to send to him instead for his 8iewin. pleasure:
*asy 2ider3*he first thin. Dear -eader needs to do is loosen up. *his mo8ie ou.ht
to help.
200 Motels3f Dennis Hopper can@t do the trick, Frank Uappa will.
."de) ?here7s My Car;3:ll you need to know about :merica is contained in this
mo8ie.
My .inner with Andre3Sure, it@s Eust two .uys eatin. and talkin. for two hours,
but at least he@ll .et to see what a real meal looks like. *he dinner con8ersation will help
him refine his communication skills.
Q Brin) hi' to 0o;;y*ood for his own pitch meetin.. He must ha8e tho"sands of
ideas for mo8ies. +ne of them will surely be ri.ht for )ob Schneider. *ell the dictator we@ll
.et *om Cruise to play him in his life story, 3ong) :ong 4one. 4i8e him a first,look
deal and a bun.alow on the studio lot. Fill up his day with needless meetin.s with
de8elopment e9ecuti8es and talent a.ents. *hat should keep him busy for a couple of years.
/y that time, &orth =orea should benefit from his absence and pull itself out of its slump.
Q %f a;; e;se fai;s, finance a the'e par9 in Pyon.yan.. *heme parks always work.
#8en if they don@t restore an economy, at least they make people feel .ood. #specially Dear
-eader@s BDominicanC son. :nd isn@t that what really mattersD Make him assistant
mana.er.
.hapter " notes
"E$$
/ypica; 8ay in the >ife of 54resident6 :eor)e W+ Bush
>:"" :.M.3*he President of the 6nited States GP+*6SH rises, checks to see if he is
still in 5hite House.
>:%" :.M.3/reakfast in bed. )umsfeld reads him horoscope and comic strips.
1:"" :.M.3BCo,PresidentC Cheney stops by to help 4eor.e .et dressed, .oes o8er
situation in 'emen, reminds 4eor.e to brush his teeth.
1:%" :.M.3P+*6S arri8es at +8al +ffice, .reets secretary.
1:%$ :.M.3P+*6S lea8es +8al, +ffice to .o work out in 5hite House .ym.
!!:"" :.M.3Massa.e and pedicure.
&oon3-unch with /aseball Commissioner /ud Seli.. Seli. confirms still no Eobs open
in front office.
!:"" PM.3&ap.
(:%" PM.3Photo op with -ittle -ea.ue Bteam of the day.C
%:"" PM.3P+*6S back in +8al +ffice to discuss le.islation with members of
Con.ress.
%:"$ PM.3Meetin. adEournsJ Con.ressmen tell press, BMeetin. was 8ery fruitful. *he
president told us to .et some laws passed,@ and then he had us sha. balls on the South
-awn.C
%: !" PM.3Cheney briefs P+*6S on ener.y policy, tells 7unior /ush to Bsend thank,
you notesC to heads of oil companies.
%:!( PM.3P+*6S asks to see map of the worldJ seems surprised by Bhow bi. the
world has .otten.C
%:2" PM.3P+*6S has memoriKed all !1! capitals in less than half an hour.
%:22 PM.3/ush calls prime minister of )omania BEust because canBJ challen.es
)omanian prime minister to name capital of /urmaJ prime minister cannot understand a
word he is sayin., as P+*6S is speakin. in Spanish.
%:$> PM.3P+*6S accepts collect call from :ustin Eail. P+*6S offsprin. bein. held
for desecratin. portrait of P+*6S as .o8ernor that han.s in state capitol buildin.. P+*6S
pretends he has a bad connection, impersonates 8oice of a Me9ican woman who has Bcut
inC on the call, then han.s up. s heard to say, BShe@s a chip off the ol@ block.C
2:"" P.M.35ork day endsJ P+*6S retires to li8in. Iuarters for brief Bcatnap.C
0:"" PM.3State dinner with :frican heads of state. *ells Cheney he Bcan@t think about
:frica ri.ht now3it@s the LDark Continent,@ you knowAC P+*6S asks CoPresident to sit in
for him.
0:"$ PM.3P+*6S .oes for swim in 5hite House pool.
<:"" PM.3Phone call to -aura at *e9as ranch GBEust checkin. inCH.
<:"( PM.3P+*6S .oes to 5hite House screenin. roomJ watches .ave Ga.ainHJ falls
asleep.
>:%" P.M.3Cheney awakens P+*6S, takes him to his room, tucks him in, says .ood
ni.ht. Co,P+*6S .oes downstairs and resumes plottin. destruction of Planet #arth.
"E#
f you@re findin. yourself in a massi8e fit of ra.e, and start itchin. to put this damn
book down and contact your con.ressmanNwoman, then folks, do it. Call ("(,((2,%!(! Gthe
6.S. Capitol switchboardH. 'ou can find your representati8e@s #,mail address at
www.senate..o8 or www.house..o8 +r send snail mail to: +ffice of Senator G&:M#H, 6.S.
Senate, 5ashin.ton, DC ("$!"3or +ffice of )epresentati8e G&:M#H, 6.S. House of
)epresentati8es, 5ashin.ton, DC ("$!$. :nd for those of you tryin. to fi.ure out who
represents you, check out www.8ote,smart.or. and they@ll fi.ure it out for you.
"E#3
Boris ?e;tsin =s+ the Bush /*ins
5e belie8e our /ush .irls can outdrink and outsmart any of these )uskies. 7ust
compare their records:
/6SH *5&S: Cau.ht drinkin. at :ustin ni.htclub
'#-*S&: Cau.ht drinkin. at 4,< meetin.
/6SH *5&S: 4ot Secret Ser8ice to sprin. boyfriend from Eail
'#-*S&: 4ot =4/ to dri8e him to liIuor store
/6SH *5&S: :rrested for usin. fake D in order to drink
'#-*S&: &e8er arrestedJ uses fake e9cuses to drink
"E##
/ourist :uide to 0o;y >and 0ot Spots
-+C:*+& *el :8i8
HS*+)C:- S4&FC:&C# +n the outskirts of modem *el :8i8 is the ancient port
of 7affa, belie8ed to be founded in the wake of the .reat flood by &oah@s son, 7apheth, and
site of the House of Simon the *anner, traditionally belie8ed to he where the :postle Peter
once stayed.
/-++DSH#D (""!: (! youn. sraelis killed and more than !"" inEured by a
Palestinian suicide bomber outside a beach front disco.
-+C:*+& 7oseph@s *omb, &abulusN Shechem
HS*+)C:- S4&FC:&C# Christians belie8e the tomb is where 7oseph of
:rimathea placed 7esus@ body after the Crucifbdon and where his resurrection occurred.
Many 7ews beho8e the tomb is that of 7acob@s son 7oseph Gwith his *echnicolor dreamcoatH.
/-++DSH#D (""": /order Police Cpl. 'osef Madhat and )abbi /inyamin Hertin.
killed by Palestinians.
(""": : two,year,old Palestinian .irl ridin. in the backseat of her parents@ car killed by
bullets fired from the direction of a nearby 7ewish settlement.
-+C:*+& *emple Mount. 7erusalem
HS*+)C:- S4&FC:&C# Main site of slamic worship in 7erusalem. =in.
Da8id@s tomb, the site of the -ast Supper, etc., nearby.
/-++DSH#D !11": !< Palestinians killed by sraeli soldiers.
-+C:*+& *omb of the Patriarchs,
HS*+)C:- S4&FC:&C# Sacred site for Christians, Muslims, and 7ews.
/-++DSH#D !1(1: :rab massacre of the 7ewish community.
-+C:*+& Hebron Galso known as the MosIue of MachpelahH
HS*+)C:- S4&FC:&C# /elie8ed to be where :braham, his wife. Sarah, and
their descendants saac and 7acob are buried.
/-++DSH#D !112: 7ewish settler /aruch 4oldstein murdered (1 Muslims
worshipin. in the MosIue.
"E"!
/*e;=e Steps for 1eco=ery fro' 2ddiction to 3io;ence in ?u)os;a=ia
Frankly, you people ha8en@t .ot time for all twel8e steps you@re dyin. out there. *ry
these three steps3and make it IuickA
:dmit that you are powerless o8er your addiction to 8iolence, and that your li8es ha8e
become unmana.eable.
Q Make a decision to turn your will and your li8es o8er to the care of the 6nited
&ations, &:*+, and any other or.aniKations that stand between you and your Hatfield and
McCoy,like compulsion for tribal warfare.
Q Make direct amends to all persons you ha8e harmed, where8er possible, e9cept when
to do so would inEure them or others Gor when they, like thousands of other 'u.osla8ians,
are already deadH.
N%NE
One Bi) 0appy 4rison
%/ W2S 2 few minutes after !":"" PM. on +ctober 2, (""", one month before the
presidential election. *he pre8ious ni.ht, the first of three debates between :l 4ore 3and
4eor.e 5. /ush had taken place.
+n this balmy +ctober e8enin. in -ebanon, *ennessee, 7ohn :dams, si9ty,four, had
Eust sat down in his fa8orite tan recliner to watch the e8enin. news. His cane, the result of a
stroke a few years earlier, rested beside him. : well,respected member of -ebanon@s
:frican,:merican community, :dams was now on disability after workin. for years at the
Precision )ubber plant.
*he anchors on *; were dishin. out their postmortems on the debate. :dams and his
wife, -orine, were discussin. their intention to 8ote for :l 4ore when there was a knock at
the door.
Mrs. :dams left the room, came to the door, and asked who was there. *wo men
demanded that she open the door and let them in. She asked a.ain who they were, but they
refused to identify themsel8es. She a.ain refused to open the door.
:t that moment, two unidentified officers from the -ebanon Police Department@s dru.
task force broke down the door, .rabbed Mrs. :dams, and immediately handcuffed her.
Se8en other officers burst into the house. *wo of them ran around the corner into the back
room, .uns drawn, and pumped se8eral bullets into 7ohn :dams. *hree hours later, he was
pronounced dead at ;anderbilt 6ni8ersity Medical Center.
*he raid on the :dams house had been ordered after an underco8er informant
purchased dru.s in the house at !!(" 7oseph Street. -ebanon@s narcotics unit, funded alon.
with thousands of others around the country as part of the Clinton administration@s B5ar on
Dru.s,C obtained warrants from a local Eud.e to arrest the occupants of the house.
*he only problem: the :damses li8e at <" 7oseph Street. *he dru.,war police had the
wron. house.
: few miles down the road in &ash8ille, as 7ohn :dams was bein. accidentally
e9ecuted, scores of paid and 8olunteer staff bustled about inside :l 4ore@s national
campai.n headIuarters. *heir main concern that ni.ht was dama.e control, as they tried to
distract 8oters from the spectacle of their candidate si.hin. throu.h /ush@s responses the
pre8ious ni.ht. Phones were li.htin. up, shipments of bumper stickers and yard si.ns were
bein. rerouted, strate.ists were huddlin. to plan the ne9t day@s campai.n stops. +n the
table sat copies of 4ore@s anticrime proposals, includin. more fundin. for additional police
and more money to fi.ht the Dru. 5ar, &one of them knew that their out,of,control efforts
to eradicate dru.s had Eust cost them a potential 8ote that of an elderly black man across
town.
=illin. off your 8oters is no way to win an election.
*his was Eust one of too many incidents in recent years where innocent people ha8e
been shot by local or federal dru. police who thou.ht they Bhad their man.C
5orse still is the way so many citiKens ha8e been locked up in the past decade thanks to
ClintonN4ore policies. :t the be.innin. of the nineties, there were about a million people in
prison in the 6nited States. /y the end of the ClintonN4ore years, that number had .rown to
*5+ M--+&. *he bulk of this increase was the result of new laws bein. enforced
a.ainst dru. users, not pushers. #i.hty percent of those who .o to prison for dru.s are in
there for possession, not dealin.. *he penalties for crack use are three times as hi.h as
those for cocaine use.
t doesn@t take much to fi.ure out why the dru. of choice in the white community is
treated with so much more leniency than the dru. that constitutes the only affordable hi.h
in the poor black and Hispanic community. For ei.ht years there was an intense, a..ressi8e
mo8e to lock up as many of these minority citiKens as possible. nstead of pro8idin. the
treatment their condition demands, we dealt with the problem by sendin. them to rot inside
a prison cell.
/ut for.et for a moment about helpin. the less fortunate. 5ho was the .enius in the
ClintonN4ore administration who said, BHey, @8e .ot an idea3why don@t we .o after the
black and Hispanic community3plenty of dru. users thereA -ock Lem up in record
numbers, decimatin. the 8otin. power of a .roup that 8otes for our side nine to oneAC
t doesn@t make sense, does itD 5hat kind of campai.n would purposely destroy its own
8otin. baseD 'ou don@t see )epublicans sittin. around tryin. to plot ways to incarcerate
corporate e9ecuti8es and &): members. *rust me, you won@t see =arl )o8e con8enin. a
5hite House meetin. to fi.ure out a way to lock up and strip the 8otin. ri.hts from a
million members of the Christian Coalition.
n fact, Eust the opposite. *he /ush people are committed to seein. that none of their
supporters e8er enEoys the hospitality of a prison shower room. Much was made after
Clinton left office of the pardons he .ranted to dubious fat cats like Marc )ich. *he entire
country was up in arms o8er the absolution .i8en to a fu.iti8e who .ot away without
payin. his ta9es. : rich person who .ot away without payin. ta9esA 5e were shocked
SH+C=#DA
:nd yet no attention at all was paid to the BpardonsC of Da8id -amp, ;incent Mietlicki,
7ohn 5adsworth, or 7ames 5eathers 7r. :nd no one called for a con.ressional in8esti.ation
of why criminal char.es were dropped a.ainst =och ndustries, the lar.est pri8ately held oil
company in :merica, whose C#+ and 8ice president are the brothers Charles and Da8id
=och. 5hy was thisD
/ecause those BpardonsC came durin. the rei.n of 4eor.e 5. /ush.
n September (""", the federal .o8ernment brou.ht a 1< count indictment a.ainst =och
ndustries and its four employees3-amp, Mietlicki, 5adsworth, and 5eathers, who were
=och@s en8ironmental and plant mana.ers3for !no#ingly releasin. 1! metric tons of
benKene, a cancer,causin. a.ent, into the air and water, and for co8erin. up the deadly
release from federal re.ulators.
*his wasn@t =och@s first run,in with the lawJ it wasn@t e8en their first that year.
#arlier in (""", =och had been fined M%$ million for ille.al pollution in si9 states.
/ut with the 4eor.e5. /ush@s election Bdecided,C =och@s fortunes suddenly chan.ed.
=och e9ecuti8es had Eust contributed some M>"",""" to /ush@s presidential campai.n and
other )epublican candidates and causes. n 7anuary, as 7ohn :shcroft waited in the win.s,
the .o8ernment dropped the char.es first from 1< to !! and then to a mere nine.
=och ndustries, howe8er, still faced fines totalin. M%$( million. /ush@s new
administration, now firmly in place, Iuickly fi9ed that. n March, they dropped two more
char.es. *hen, two days before the case was to .o to court, :shcroft@s 7ustice Department
settled the case.
=och ndustries pled .uilty to a new char.e of falsifyin. documents, and the
.o8ernment dropped all en8ironmental char.es a.ainst the company, includin. all felony
counts a.ainst their four employees.
Followin. hard on the heels of their .enerosity, the =och e9ecuti8es facin. possible
prison terms were freed from any prosecution. *he company itself had all 1" of the serious
counts a.ainst it dismissed and in the end paid a fine that wiped out the < remainin. counts.
:ccordin. to the 'o"ston Chronicle) B=och e9ecuti8es celebrated the conclusion of the
case,C company spokesman 7ay )osser crowin. about how the droppin. of char.es was
proof of =och@s B8indication.C
won@t defend the actions of Marc )ich, but correct me if @m wron.: belie8e the
willful spewin. into the air and water of a deadly chemical that causes cancer Gand will
surely contribute to who knows how many people@s deathsH is a little more serious than
skippin. out on )udy 4iuliani to .o on an ei.hteen,year ski trip to SwitKerland. 'et @m
sure none of you ha8e heard of the pardons .ranted to Charles and Da8id =och and their oil
company and its e9ecuti8es. 5hy should youD t was Eust business as usual, under a
national press that@s thorou.hly asleep at the wheel.
t@s too bad that :nthony -emar *aylor for.ot to send in his contribution to the /ush
campai.n. *aylor was another repeat offender3a petty thief who decided one day in !111
to pretend he was .olf superstar *i.er 5oods.
*hou.h *aylor looked nothin. at all like 5oods Gbut, hey, they all look alike, don@t
theyDH, he was able to use a fake dri8er@s license and credit cards identifyin. him as *i.er
5oods to purchase a <",inch *;, a few stereos, and a used lu9ury car.
*hen somebody finally fi.ured out he wasn@t *i.er 5oods, and he was arrested and
tried for theft and perEury.
His sentenceD *5+ H6&D)#D '#:)S *+ -F#A
'ou read it ri.ht. *wo hundred years to life, thanks to California@s Bthree,strikesC law,
which says that upon a third criminal con8iction, you@re put away for life. *o date, no
corporate e9ecuti8e has been sent away for life after bein. cau.ht three times pollutin. a
ri8er or rippin. off its customers. n :merica, we reser8e that special treatment for those
who happen to be poor or :frican,:merican or fail to contribute to one of our fine political
parties.
+f course, sometimes the Eustice system, e8er the steamroller, is so hell,bent on
punishin. the ha8enots it doesn@t care who it locks up, .uilty or not.
=erry Sanders, the youn.est child of nine, suffered from paranoid schiKophrenia. /y the
a.e of twenty,se8en he had fou.ht the demons in his mind for o8er se8en years and had
been in and out of mental institutions for much of that time. Sometimes, when he went off
his medication, he would end up on the streets of -os :n.eles, as he did one day in +ctober
!11%.
5hile sleepin. on a bench outside the 6SC Medical Center, =erry was arrested for
trespassin.. /ut =erry@s luck turned worse when a routine warrant check showed that one
)obert Sanders, a career criminal, had escaped fi8e weeks earlier from a &ew 'ork State
prison, where he was ser8in. time for attemptin. to kill a man o8er cocaine in !11".
+f course, =erry Sanders of California wasn@t )obert Sanders of &ew 'ork. /ut .uess
B=erryC and B)obertC are close enou.h, and California and &ew 'ork ... well, um, they@re
both /4 S*:*#S, after all....
6nfortunately for =erry, what he did share with )obert was a birthday.
*hat was enou.h for the -.:. cop, e8en thou.h the same computeriKed warrant search
showed that /erry Sanders had been stopped for Eaywalkin. on a -os :n.eles street in
7uly !11%3while 2obert Sanders was still in his &ew 'ork prison.
&o matter: =erry Sanders was sent to &ew 'ork to ser8e out
)obert Sanders@s sentence. He remained in the &ew 'ork penitentiary for two years)
while his mother searched all o8er -os :n.eles for him. Somehow the -.:. cops failed to
compare the two records3which would ha8e re8ealed that their .uy had the wron.
fin.erprints.
=erry had only one person in the whole process who was supposed to help him3the
public defender appointed to protect his interests. /ut this thirty,year 8eteran PD
encoura.ed him not to fi.ht e9tradition. *he PD e9plained to =erry that fi.htin. back
would only prolon. his stay in the -.:. county Eail before bein. returned to &ew 'ork
anyway. :pparently the PD didn@t e8en notice that =erry was Bslow,C much less sufferin.
from se8ere mental illness. +r would it ha8e e8en matteredD
*he PD failed to ask basic Iuestions. He failed to spend more than a brief few minutes
with a helpless client. He ne8er looked into whether =erry had any family who mi.ht be
contacted to assist in his defense.
*he PD also failed to check the system for any pendin. cases, or a prior record, or his
client@s financial status. He didn@t e8en take the time to match the description on the
warrant with =erry, much less demand a fin.erprint or bookin. photo comparison. So
#hat) yo" sayD :fter all, both men were blackJ they were both the same a.e3they e8en
shared a birthdateA sn@t that .ood enou.hD
t .ets worse. Durin. the hearin. to wai8e =erry Sanders@ ri.ht to fi.ht the &ew 'ork
e9tradition, he was asked to si.n a form. *he form read: 8() 2obert Sanders, do hereby
freely and 8oluntarily state that am the identical )obert SandersB3and then =erry si.ned
it B=erry Sanders.C
He also drew doodles all o8er one copy of the wai8er.
&o bellsD &o red fla.sD &ot for this public defenderA
Finally .i8en his chance to appear before a Eud.e, =erry was asked if he had read the
document he had si.ned. He said he had not. *he Eud.e stopped the e9tradition proceedin..
BDid you si.n itDC asked the Eud.e.
B'eah,C =erry replied.
B5hy did you si.n itDC
B/ecause they told me to si.n it,C =erry Sanders answered.
=erry@s public defender was ordered by the Eud.e to re8iew the form a.ain with his
client. 5ithin minutes the Eud.e was satisfied, and both the court and the public defender
mo8ed on to the ne9t case.
:fter =erry Sanders was sold down the ri8er by his -.:. public defender, he was
shipped across the country to spend the ne9t two years in 4reen Ha8en ma9imum,security
prison, si9ty miles north of &ew 'ork City, where he was se9ually assaulted by other
inmates.
n +ctober !11$, after federal a.ents in Cle8eland arrested the real )obert Sanders,
=erry Sanders was reunited with his mother, Mary Sanders -ee. Had it not been for the
chance arrest of )obert Sanders, =erry Sanders would still be in prison today.
=erry was sent home from 4reen Ha8en with M2>.!%, a plastic ba. with some medicine,
a soda, and a pack of ci.arettes. He told his sister, )oberta: B*hey took me to &ew 'ork. t
was so cold there. *hey put me in this little room.C
*his is not a rare case of the system makin. a horrible mistake. n a sense, it is not e8en
a mistake. t is the natural result of a society that recklessly locks up anyone who may be a
criminal, e8en if they aren@t a criminal, because it@s better to be safe than ri.ht. +ur courts
are nothin. but a haphaKard assembly line for the poor to be routed away from us, out of
si.ht3out of my damn wayA
5ell, this is :merica, and .uess if it@s .ood enou.h to remo8e thousands of innocent
black men from the 8otin. rolls in Florida, it should be .ood enou.h to railroad an innocent
black man in -os :n.eles.
n this assembly,line system of Eustice, the one thin. that mucks up the wholesale
deli8ery of the accused to Eail is the Eury trial. 5hyD /ecause Eury trials are shit,disturbers.
*hey force e8eryone to do their Eob. *he Eud.es, prosecutors, and public defenders do
e8erythin. in their power to coerce the defendant into acceptin. a .uilty plea to :;+D
*H# /)6*:- P)S+& S#&*#&C# 5# 5-- 4;# '+6 F '+6 D#M:&D : 76)'
*):-. f they can .et the defendant not only to plead .uilty but also to si.n a wai8er of
his ri.ht to appeal, then they@8e hit a home run3and e8eryone can lau.h about it later at
the country club.
My sister, :nne, was a public defender in California. She insisted on defendin. her
clients, and .ettin. them a Eury trial if that@s what they wanted. For that, she was subEected
to incredible harassment from the other PDs in the office. n !11> the public defender@s
office in her county allowed only one felony client o"t of almost nine h"ndred
defendants to ha8e a Eury trial.
+b8iously, that didn@t mean e8ery sin.le one of the other >11 accused were .uilty. *hey
were Eust coerced into pleadin. that way, with many of them endin. up in prison, perhaps
for crimes they didn@t commit. /ut we@ll ne8er know, because their Si9th :mendment ri.ht
to a trial by a Eury of their peers was taken from them.
5ith this standardiKed railroadin. of the poor .oin. on daily in e8ery city in :merica,
our Eustice system has nothin. to do with Eustice. +ur Eud.es and lawyers are more like
.lorified .arba.e men, roundin. up and disposin. of society@s refuse3ethnic cleansin.,
:merican style.
5hat happens when this fast,track chute sends innocent people to their deathD t took
only one colle.e class full of kids at &orthwestern 6ni8ersity in #8anston, llinois, to
unco8er and pro8e that fi8e indi8iduals on llinois@s death row were, in fact, innocent.
*hose students and their professor sa8ed the li8es of fi8e people.
f one colle.e class could do that, how many other hundreds of innocent people on
death rows across the country are also sittin. there awaitin. their permanent disposalD
*hirty,ei.ht states ha8e the death penalty. So does the federal .o8ernment and the 6.S.
military. *wel8e states, plus the District of Columbia Gthat little piece of swampland with a
maEority of :frican,:mericans and those offensi8e license platesH, do not.
Since !1<0, there ha8e been o8er se8en hundred e9ecutions in the 6nited States.
*he top e9ecution,happy states are:
*e9as G(2> e9ecutions3nearly one,third of all 6.S. e9ecutions since !1<0H ;ir.inia
G>(H Florida G$!H Missouri G$"H +klahoma G2%H -ouisiana G(0H South Carolina G($H
:rkansas G(2H :labama G(%H :riKona G((H &orth Carolina G!<H Delaware G!%H llinois G!(H
California G1H &e8ada G1H ndiana G>H 6tah G0H
: shockin. recent death penalty study of 2,$<> cases in a twenty,three,year period
G!1<%,!11$H concluded that the courts found serious, re8ersible error in nearly < of e8ery
!" capital sentence cases that were fully re8iewed durin. the period, t also found that death
sentences were bein. o8erturned in ( out of % appeals. *he o8erall preEudicial re8iew error
rate was 0> percent.
Since !1<%, some ninety,fi8e death row inmates ha8e been fully e$onerated by the
courts3that is, found innocent of the crimes for which they were sentenced to die. &inety,
si9 persons ha8e been released as a result of D&: testin..
:nd what were the most common errorsD
!. #.re.iously incompetent defense lawyers who didn@t e8en look for, or missed
important e8idence that would ha8e pro8ed innocence or demonstrated that their client
didn@t deser8e to die.
(. Police or prosecutors who did disco8er that kind of e8idence but s"ppressed it,
acti8ely derailin. the Eudicial process.
n half the years studied, includin. the most recent one, the error rate was o8er 0"
percent. Hi.h error rates e9ist across the country. n >$ percent of death penalty cases the
error rates are 0" percent or hi.her. *hree,fifths ha8e error rates of <" percent or hi.her.
Catchin. these errors takes time3a national a8era.e of nine years from death sentence
to e9ecution. n most cases, death row inmates wait years for the len.thy re8iew procedures
needed to unco8er all these errors3whereupon their death sentences are 8ery often
re8ersed. *his imposes a terrible cost on ta9payers, 8ictims@ families, the Eudicial system,
and the wron.ly condemned.
:mon. the inmates in8ol8ed in the study who had their death 8erdicts o8erturned,
nearly all were .i8en a sentence less than death G>( percentH, and many were found
innocent on retrial G< percentH.
*he number of errors has risen since !110, when President Clinton made it tou.her for
death row inmates to pro8e their innocence by si.nin. into law a one,year limit on the time
inmates ha8e to appeal to federal courts after e9haustin. their appeals in state courts. n
li.ht of the study that pro8ed how many of these inmates are either innocent or not le.ally
deser8in. of the death penalty, this attempt to curb their appeals was simply outra.eous.
5e are one of the few countries in the world that puts to death both the mentally
retarded and Eu8enile offenders. *he 6nited States is amon. only si9 countries that impose
the death penalty on Eu8eniles. *he others are ran, &i.eria, Pakistan, Saudi :rabia, and
'emen.
*he 6nited States is also the only country besides Somalia that has not si.ned the
6nited &ations Con8ention on the )i.hts of the Child. 5hyD /ecause it contains a
pro8ision prohibitin. the e9ecution of children under ei.hteen, and we want to remain free
to e9ecute our children.
o other ind"striali9ed nation e$ec"tes its children.
#8en China prohibits the death penalty for those under ei.hteen3this from a country
that has shown an intolerable lack of respect for human ri.hts.
Currently the total number of death row inmates in the 6nited States tops %,<"".
Se8enty of those death row inmates are minors Gor were when they committed their crimeH.
/ut our Supreme Court doesn@t find it cruel and unusual punishment Gin the terms of the
#i.hth :mendment to the 6.S. ConstitutionH to e9ecute those who were si9teen years old
when they committed a capital crime. *his despite the fact that same court has ruled that
si9teen,year,olds do not ha8e Bthe maturity or Eud.mentC to si.n contracts.
+dd, isn@t it, that a child@s diminished capacity for si.nin. contracts is 8iewed as a le.al
barrier to enforcin. a contract, but when it comes to the ri.ht to be e9ecuted, a child@s
capacity is eIual to that of an adultD
#i.hteen states allow Eu8enile offenders as youn. as si9teen to be e9ecuted. Fi8e others
allow the e9ecution of those who were se8enteen or older when they committed their crime.
n !111 +klahoma e9ecuted Sean Sellers, who was si9teen at the time of the murders he
was found .uilty of committin.. Sellers@s multiple personality disorder wasn@t re8ealed to
the Eury that con8icted him. : federal appeals court found that Sellers mi.ht ha8e been
Bfactually innocentC because of his mental disorder, but that Binnocence alone is not
sufficient to .rant federal relief.C 6nbelie8able.
*he :merican public is not stupid, and now that the truth has been comin. out about the
innocent people who ha8e been sent to death row, they are at least respondin. with a sense
of shame. Eust a few years a.o public opinion polls showed that upwards of >" percent of
the :merican people supported the death penalty. /ut now, with the truth out, a recent
?ashington PostN:/C &ews poll found that public appro8al of capital punishment has
declined, while the proportion of :mericans who fa8or replacin. the death penalty with life
in prison has increased. Fifty,one percent fa8ored haltin. all e9ecutions until a commission
is established to determine whether the death penalty is bein. administered fairly.
Si9ty,ei.ht percent said the death penalty is unfair because innocent people are
sometimes e9ecuted. )ecent 4allup Polls ha8e shown that support for the death penalty is
at a nineteenyear low. Si9ty,fi8e percent a.reed that a poor person is more likely than a
person of a8era.e or abo8e,a8era.e income to recei8e the death penalty for the same crime.
Fifty percent a.reed that a black person is more likely than a white person to recei8e the
death penalty for the same crime. #8en in the killin. machine known as the state of *e9as,
the 'o"ston Chronicle reported that $1 percent of *e9ans sur8eyed belie8ed that their
state has e$ec"ted an innocent person5) while <( percent fa8or chan.in. state law to
include the sentencin. option of life without parole, and 0" percent are now opposed to the
state e9ecutin. an inmate who is mentally retarded.
5hat we ha8e done, in this .reat country, is to wa.e a war not on crime b"t on the
poor #e feel comfortable blaming for it. Somewhere alon. the way we for.ot about
people@s ri.hts, because we didn@t want to spend the money.
5e li8e in a society that rewards and honors corporate .an.sters3corporate leaders
who directly and indirectly plunder the earth@s resources and look out for the shareholders@
profits abo8e all else3while subEectin. the poor to a random and brutal system of
BEustice.C
/ut the public is startin. to realiKe this is wron..
5e need to reorder society so that e8ery person within it is seen as precious, sacred, and
8aluable, and that &+ man is abo8e the law, no matter how many candidates he buys off.
6ntil this chan.es, we can utter the words Bwith liberty and Eustice for allC only with
shame.
/EN
8e'ocrats, 8O2
0E 02S S%:NE8 a bill pro8idin. for federal funds to be distributed to Bfaith,basedC
charitable or.aniKations.
He has e9panded the number of federal crimes for which the death penalty can be .i8en
to a total of si9ty.
He has si.ned a bill outlawin. .ay marria.es and has taken out ads on Christian radio
stations toutin. his opposition to any form of le.al same,se9 couplin.s.
n a short span of time, he has been able to kick ten million people off welfare3that@s
ten million out of fourteen million total recipients.
He has promised states Bbonus fundsC if they can reduce their welfare numbers further,
and made it easier to .et these funds by not reIuirin. the states to help the e9,welfare
recipients find Eobs.
He has introduced a plan that would bar any assistance to teena.e parents if they drop
out of school or lea8e their parents@ home.
*hou.h he is careful not to draw attention to it, he supports many of the old pro8isions
of &ewt 4in.rich@s BContract 5ith :merica,C includin. lowerin. the capital .ains ta9.
n spite of calls from )epublican .o8ernors like 4eor.e )yan of llinois to support a
moratorium on capital punishment, he reEected all efforts to slow down the number of
e9ecutions e8en after it was re8ealed that there are doKens of people on death row who are
innocent.
He has released funds for local communities to hire o8er a hundred thousand new police
officers and supports laws that put people behind bars for life after committin. three crimes
3e8en if those crimes were shopliftin. or not payin. for a piKKa.
*here are now more people in :merica without health insurance than when he took
office.
He has si.ned orders prohibitin. any form of health care to poor people who are in the
6nited States ille.ally.
He supports a ban on late,term abortions and promised to si.n the first bill to cross his
desk that includes an e9emption only if the life of the mother is in Eeopardy.
He has si.ned an order prohibitin. any 6.S. funds .oin. to any country to be used in
helpin. women secure an abortion.
He si.ned a one,year .a. order that prohibits usin. any federal funds in forei.n
countries where birth control a.encies mention abortion as an option to pre.nant women.
He has refused to si.n the international -and Mine /an *reaty already si.ned by !%<
nations3but not by raI, -ibya, &orth =orea, or the 6nited States.
He has scuttled the =yoto Protocol by insistin. that BsinksC Ge..., farmlands and forestsH
be counted toward the 6.S. percenta.e of emissions reductions, thus makin. a mockery of
the whole treaty Gwhich was written primarily to reduce the carbon dio9ide pollution from
cars and factoriesH.
He has accelerated drillin. for .as and oil on federal lands at a pace that matches, and in
some areas e9ceeds, the production le8el durin. the )ea.an administration.
He has appro8ed the sale of one California oil field in the lar.est pri8atiKation deal in
:merican history, and he opened the &ational Petroleum )eser8e in :laska Gsomethin.
e8en )ea.an wasn@t able to doH.
:nd he became the first President since )ichard &i9on not to force the auto
manufacturers to impro8e their milea.e per .alon3which would ha8e sa8ed millions of
barrels of oil each day.
'es, you@d ha8e to a.ree, considerin. all of his abo8e accomplishments, that /ill
Clinton was one of the best )epublican Presidents we@8e e8er had.
*here has been much hand,wrin.in. since 4eor.e 5. /ush was .i8en the office, with
.ood people and liberals e8erywhere freaked out that the son,of,a,/ush would wreak ha8oc
with the en8ironment, turn back the clock on women@s ri.hts, and ha8e us all recitin.
prayers in schools and at traffic li.hts. *hey are ri.ht to be concerned.
/ut /ush is only the u.lier and somewhat meaner 8ersion of what we already had
throu.hout the nineties3e9cept that back then it came dressed in a charmin. smile from a
.uy who played soul tunes on a sa9 and told us what kind of underwear he Gand his internsH
wore. 5e liked that. t felt .ood, normal. He could sin. the /lack &ational :nthem. He
partied with 4loria Steinem. He watched my showA liked the .uyA
5e were all relie8ed that the )ea.anN/ush years were o8er, and it was kind of cool that
we had a President who had smoked pot and called himself Bthe first /lack President of the
6nited States.C /ut we had a tendency to turn our heads the other way and block out thin.s
like his underminin. key pro8isions of the =yoto :.reement Eust weeks before the
&o8ember (""" election.
5e didn@t want to know about stuff like thatJ after all, what was our alternati8eD /aby
/ushD Pat /uchananD 2alph ader;
+h, 4od, no3not )alph &ader. 5hy on earth would we want to support someone who
a.reed with us on all the issuesD *hat@s no funA
*he an.er now le8eled at &ader seems so personal, so intense, from /aby /oomers
who blame him for 4ore losin. the election Ghe didn@t loseH. look at these indi8iduals in
the their forties and fifties and wonder why &ader seems so personally threatenin. to
them.
t@s taken a while, but think @8e .ot it fi.ured out: &ader represents who they used to
be but no lon.er are. He ne8er chan.ed. He ne8er lost the faith, ne8er compromised, ne8er
.a8e up. *hat@s why they hate him. He didn@t chan.e his tune, didn@t mo8e to the suburbs,
didn@t start structurin. his life around B-et@s see how can make the most money for me,
me, M#AC He didn@t conform to the new /aby /oom Code of Sell,+ut #thics in order to
ad8ance his power. &o wonder millions of hi.h school and colle.e kids lo8e him. He@s the
opposite of their parents, the people who BraisedC them by handin. them a latchkey, a
)italin, and a remote for the *; set in the bedroom. &ader didn@t make the trek down the
dial from S.t. Pepper to :+) to =enny 4. He stayed in the same rumpled clothes. *hose
who beat up on him now are like the bullies in hi.h school who will not cease their
harassment until you conform and start to look, think, and smell like them.
5ell, .uess what, fellow /oomers3this &ader dude ain@t e8er .oin. to chan.e. So why
don@t you sa8e your breath, increase your ProKac dosa.e, and .et some suburban therapist
to see you once a weekD +r Eust chill out and be thankful there are people like )alph &ader
out there. He@ll do all the workJ you Eust rela9 and order up another mar.arita.
know it@s a bitter pill to swallow, ha8in. to .et up each mornin. to feed the corporate
beast, to take your check from the bastards and try to look the other way despite all the crap
they@re sho8in. down your throat.
/ut somewhere in the deep recesses of your mind there@s a little ner8e endin. .oin. off,
like the faint and blinkin. li.ht of your cell phone a few minutes before it .oes dead. t@s
your brain@s memory bank remindin. you about a time when you were youn.er and you
passionately belie8ed that you and yo" alone could make a difference, before the forces
of adulthood surrounded you and told you to .et with the pro.ram3or spend your lonely
life barely scrapin. by.
:nd so you did. 'ou learned to compromise your 8alues while belie8in. you still
maintained them GB'es, dri8e an S6;3but .i8e to the Sierra ClubACH. 'ou learned to
mollify your conscience at your lousy Eob, out of fear of the only ima.inable alternati8e,
homelessness and star8ationA 'ou put up with the oppressi8e nature of your church
because, well, 7esus did say a lot of .ood thin.s GB-o8e your enemyCH, and so what if the
money you Eust put in the collection plate is .oin. to a woman,hatin. or.aniKationD 'ou
learned to say nothin. when friends or coworkers spoke in coded racist terms because you
knew you didn@t hate black people and you were sure they didn@t either ... but why don@t
we cross o8er to the other side of the street Eust to be safeD
/est of all, you .ot to keep 8otin. for the Democrats, the way you always had. :fter all,
they say they ha8e your best interests at heart3and Eust for sayin. that, you belie8e themA
5hat kind of nut would 8ote for a third,party candidate, anywayD 5hy e8en think of .oin.
there3of re8isitin. the youn.er 8ersion of you, who was ready to .et, his head busted open
while standin. up for what was ri.htD +ut here in :dult 5orld, you better for.et about
what@s Bri.htB3you .otta #in. 5innin. is what it@s all about, whether it@s your company@s
market share, your own stock portfolio, or your kid@s ability to beat all the other kids in
kinder.arten French class.
BDo the ri.ht thin.DC H:A 4o with the winnerA #8en if the winner GClintonH supports
e9ecutin. people, won@t ban land mines, si.ns .a. orders, pre8ents abortion fundin.,
throws the poor out on the street, doubles the prison population, bombs four different
countries, killin. innocent ci8ilians GSudan, :f.hanistan, raI, and 'u.osla8iaH, allows a
few con.lomerates to own most of the media Gwhich once were split up amon. nearly a
thousand companiesH, and continually calls for increases in the Penta.on bud.et, it still
feels better than ... better than ... well, better than somethin. really, really bad.
Friends, when are we .oin. to stop kiddin. oursel8esD Clinton, and most other
contemporary Democrats, did not and will not do what is best for us or the world we li8e
in. 5e don@t pay their bill3the top !" percent do, and it is their will that will always be
done. know you already know thisJ it@s Eust hard to say it because the alternati8e looks so
much like ... Dick Cheney.
-isten, before any of you .ood Democrats start considerin. at what temperature books
burn, let me .et this out of the way: 4eor.e 5 /ush is #orse than :l 4ore or /ill Clinton.
&o Iuestion about it.
/ut what e9actly does that meanD f you put any two humans side by side and force
someone to choose which one is Bworse,C they@ll usually choose the one who@s the bi..er
Eerk. Hitler was BworseC than Mussolini, a Che8y is BworseC than a Ford, am definitely
BworseC than my wife. So whatD *his is a child@s .ame. *he truth is, the choice between
/ush@s Bcompassionate conser8atismC and Clintonism is no more meanin.ful than the
choice between castor oil and cherry,fla8ored )obitussin.
*he /ush administration be.an with 7unior o8erturnin. a number of e9ecuti8e orders
issued by President Clinton. mmediately he was made out to be some sort of monster. *his
was an important moment3symbolically3for the Democrats. *hey needed the public to
belie8e that /ush was puttin. arsenic into the water and tryin. to poison us all. *hey
wanted the people of :merica to think /ush was .oin. to tear up the national forests, cut
off abortion fundin., and rape :laska because he was only concerned with undoin. all the
.ood that President Clinton had done.
5hat@s ne8er mentioned is that Clinton spent ei.ht years doin. little or nothin. with
any of these problems, and then, with hours left in his administration, decided to try to
lea8e office lookin. .ood Ghe was always loo!ing .oodH3or set up /ush to look like the
hea8y. #ither way, it worked.
/ecause the truth is, 4eor.e 5. /ush did little more than C+&*&6# the policies of
the last ei.ht years of the ClintonN4ore administration. For ei.ht lon. years, ClintonN4ore
resisted all efforts and recommendations to reduce carbon dio9ide in our air and arsenic in
our water. Eust one month before the (""" election, Senate Democratic leader *om Daschle
and si9teen other Democrats successfully led the way to S*+P any reduction of arsenic in
the water. 5hyD /ecause Clinton and the Democrats were beholden to the rich bastards
who had financed their campai.ns3and who didn@t want the le8els of arsenic in the water
chan.ed.
*ake the fact that ClintonN4ore was the first administration in twenty,fi8e years &+* to
demand hi.her fuel efficiency standards from Detroit. 6nder their watch, in other words,
millions of barrels of oil were unnecessarily refined and spewed out into our air. )onald
)ea.an, that icon of conser8atism, had a better en8ironmental record on this front: his
administration ordered that cars .et more mile@s per .allon. 6nder his successor, /ush !,
the standards were made e8en stricter. /ut under ClintonD &othin.. How many more people
will die from cancer, how much faster will .lobal warmin. proceed, thanks to /ill and :l@s
camaraderie with one of their chief patrons, the top lobbyist for the /i. *hree auto
companies3none other than :ndrew Card, who, not surprisin.ly, is currently chief of staff
for Clinton@s lo.ical e9tension, 4eor.e 5. /ush.
So is there a difference between Democrats and )epublicansD Sure. *he Democrats say
one thin. GBSa8e the planetACH and then do another3Iuietly holdin. hands behind the
scenes with the bastards who make this world a dirtier, meaner place. *he )epublicans Eust
come ri.ht out and .i8e the bastards a corner office in the 5est 5in.. *hat@s the difference.
*here@s an ar.ument, of course, that it@s more e8il to tell someone you@re .oin. to
protect them and then rob them than to Eust .o ahead and stick them up. #8il that@s out in
the open, not hidin. in a liberal sheep@s clothin., can be much easier to confront and
eradicate. 5hich would you rather ha8e, that roach you see runnin. across the floor, or a
house full of in8isible termites buried in the wallD *he roach may carry disease, but at least
you know it@s there and can take the appropriate action. *he termites let you .o on thinkin.
you ha8e the most beautiful li8in. room3until the whole foundation collapses and you
wake up in a pile of termite har8ested sawdust.
/ill Clinton waited until the final days of his presidency to si.n a raft of presidential
decrees and re.ulations, many of which promised to impro8e our en8ironment and create
safer workin. conditions. t was the ultimate cynical mo8e. 5ait till the last 2> hours of
your term to do the ri.ht thin., so that e8eryone will look back and think, now be was a
good president. /ut Clinton knew these last minute orders would all fall under the hand
of the new administration comin. to power. He knew none of these orders would stand.
t was all about ima.e.
Do you still belie8e Clinton remo8ed arsenic from our waterD &ot only had he done
nothin. to protect us from drinkin. arsenic laced water for the last ei.ht years3but the
order he si.ned stipulated that the arsenic was not to be remo8ed from the water Buntil
(""2.C *hat@s ri.ht. -ook it up. Clinton@s bi. en8ironmental .esture in the last minutes of
his term .uaranteed that we@d be drinkin. the same le8els of arsenic we@8e been drinkin.
since !12(3the last time a )#:- Democrat had the .uts to stand up to the minin. interests
and reduce the le8els of this poison. *he Canadians and #uropeans did it lon. a.o. /ut
Clinton i.nored the law that reIuired the #P: to reduce arsenic le8els. *hat resulted in a
lawsuit a.ainst the
Clinton administration by the &atural )esources Defense Council. n his last week
Clinton finally ca8ed in3but only after insertin. lan.ua.e that would put off the chan.e
for four years. *hus Clinton made it official that we would all be drinkin. this poison
durin. the entire /ush administration. Maybe he was doin. us a fa8or.
:nd how about those carbon dio9ide emission re.ulations /ush o8erturnedD Did
say Bo8erturnedCD +8erturned whatD :ll /ush did was maintain the Clinton status Iuo. He
said, in essence, B@m .oin. to pollute the air at the 8ery same le8els Clinton did durin. his
entire ei.ht years, Eust as you@re .oin. to drink the same arsenic in the water under my
watch as you did under Clinton@s.C
:nd, like the built,in four,year delay in his arsenic reductions, Clinton@s orders on the
to9ic emissionsJ in his last days specified that they were not to be reduced immediately
either. n mid&o8ember, sensin. the fate of the election, he called for strict re.ulations on
four .reenhouse .ases, includin. carbon dio9ide. :.ain, his words sounded nice, but if you
looked past them you found the new le8els wouldn@t be in place until ("!". :nd then, as if
that wasn@t bad enou.h, no new re.ulation could be implemented for another ten to !$
years.
*he list .oes on and on. For ei.ht years Clinton did &+*H&4 about carpal tunnel
syndrome as it relates to +SH: re.ulations. *hen, in the middle of pardonin. some rich
.uys durin. his all,ni.ht :.onistes on 7anuary !1, he finally decided to do some .ood for
all those women who sit at keyboards all day and who, with their crippled hands, went to
the polls *5C# to make him their President.
Friends, you are bein. misled and hoodwinked by a bunch of professional BliberalsC
who did &+*H&4 themsel8es for ei.ht years to clean up these messes3and who now
can@t stop themsel8es from attackin. people like )alph &ader, who has de8oted his entire
life to e8ery sin.le one of these causes. 5hat unmiti.ated .allA *hey blame &ader for
.i8in. us /ushD blame *H#M for being /ushA *hey suck off the same corporate teat,
supportin. thin.s like &:F*:3which accordin. to the Sierra Club has D+6/-#D the
pollution alon. the Me9ican border where the :merican factories ha8e mo8ed.
Had Clinton done the Eob those of us who 8oted for him in !11( e9pected him to do, we
wouldn@t be in the trouble we@re in. ma.ine if, on his first day in office o8er ei.ht years
a.o, Clinton had ordered a reduction of arsenic in the drinkin. water3and all :mericans
had been drinkin. cleaner, safer water for the last ei.ht years. Do you think there@s any way
in bell Eunior /ush would ha8e been able to say, B+=, :merica, you@8e been drinkin. water
without poison in it lon. enou.h. *ime to .o back to the .ood old days of suckin. down
that ol@ arsenicACD Hell noA &o one would ha8e stood for it. :nd he would ha8e known that.
He wouldn@t e8en ha8e tried to re8erse thin.s. /ut because Clinton waited until the last
minute and ne8er remo8ed any of this crud from the water or the air, there was no political
or popular support for the decision. So t was easy for /ush to do what he did. He fi.ured,
you@re not .oin. to miss what you ne8er had in the first place.
/ut, of course, /ush for.ot one thin.3most of us didn@t e8en know we were drinkin.
!12(3le8el arsenic under Clinton. *hanks to 5 wantin. to make a bi. deal of Bre8ersin.C
Clinton on his first day in office, we, the public, suddenly learned that our water wasn@t
safe. &ow ask yourself this painful Iuestion: Since you ne8er knew or made any noise
about the hi.h arsenic le8els under Clinton, do you think 4ore would ha8e remo8ed the
arsenic from the waterD 5hy would he do thatD 'ou, the people, ne8er knew about it, ne8er
complained to the 5hite House that you hate drinkin. all this arsenic3and the industries
that are responsible for much of that arsenic are some of the same people who funded
4ore@s campai.n. ha8e looked throu.h all of 4ore@s campai.n literature and position
statements, and ha8e yet to find a sin.le word about arsenic in the water.
-et@s be honest here: t@s only because of /ush and his idiot actions that we@re now
.oin. to .et the arsenic reduced. *he whole clamor put the issue in the public@s mind3and
it hasn@t left. So now nineteen )epublicans in Con.ress, feelin. the political heat or sensin.
the P) opportunity, ha8e Eoined the Democrats in fi.htin. the arsenic3and we, the
:merican people, will end up drinkin. cleaner water as a result. *hese nineteen
)epublicans, with the Democrats, passed a bill not only prohibitin. /ush from re8ersin.
Clinton@s last,minute order but .oin. beyond what Clinton had ordered and reducin. the
arsenic le8els e8en further. *hat didn@t happen under Clinton, and3trust me3President
4ore wouldn@t ha8e raised the Iuestion. Sad to say, but it was ha8in. a prick, not a slick, in
the 5hite House that made this happen.
:nother bad rap /ush .ot in his first months was his efforts to .i8e our ta9 money to
churches to do Bcharity work.C +h, the hue and cry o8er that oneA So here@s my Iuestion:
5here were People for the :merican 5ay and other liberal .roups in !110, when that very
lang"age was included in Clinton@s welfare reform billD Faithbased or.aniKations ha8e
been recei8in. federal funds now for more than fi8e years. 5hy all the sudden screamin.
about Bseparation of church and state,C when Clinton did what /ush only wants to do more
ofD s it because we liked Clinton@s BfaithC betterD GHey, who wouldn@t want to Eoin a belief
system that redefined words like isDH
:nd about that order /ush issued to ban money for abortions o8erseas: wron. a.ain.
Pro,choice Clinton, like the two presidents before him, had already si.ned an order
prohibitin. any :merican funds from payin. for abortions in forei.n countries. 5hat /ush
did was e9pand the order to cut off any monies to forei.n birth control .roups that offer
abortion as an alternati8e. 5orse, yes3but he only .ot away with it because our
Democratic President had laid the .roundwork in continuin. the abortion funds cutoff,
placin. his BliberalC appro8al on a piece of the ri.htwin. a.enda. f you .i8e the de8il a
bone, he doesn@t Eust .o away3he wants the whole damn le..
So spare me all the moanin. about /ush the -esser. *hose who want to turn /ush into
some sort of cartoon monster ha8e an a.enda3to keep most of us from seein. the beast
they themsel8es ha8e become. 1f co"rse they hate )alph &ader. He@s a disIuietin.
reminder of what could happen if we e8er elect someone who will represent the bottom 1"
percent in this country. /lame &ader, blame /ush, it@s all part of the same distraction3to
keep you from focusin. on one 8ery important fact: )epublican arsenic or Democratic
arsenic, it really is the same damn crap bein. forced down your throat.
/ut /ush will ne8er fi.ure out how to .et away with this stuff the way Clinton did. He
needs to take a pa.e out of Clinton@s /i. /ook of Charm. &ow, there was a .uy who knew
how to win people o8er. 5hate8er you thou.ht of him, he was likable, smart, funny, and
down,to,earth. He knew that the :merican people #ant to belie8e in their President. He
disco8ered that saying something was the same as doin. it. f you said you were for a
clean en8ironment, that was .ood enou.h3you didn@t ha8e to do anythin. to ma!e it a
clean en8ironment. Hell, you could .et away with pollutin. it more) and most people
would ne8er know the difference. 'ou could say you were pro,choice and then preside o8er
the lar.est wholesale closin. of abortion clinics since the procedure became le.al. G5hat@s
the point of bein. pro,choice if, in >0 percent of the counties in :merica, there is not a
sin.le doctor who will perform an abortion and not a sin.le woman who can .et oneDH
Clinton learned that by talkin. a .ood feminist line, he could arran.e it so that not one
feminist leader would decry the order he si.ned in !111 to deny federal funds to any
forei.n .roup that discussed abortion durin. consultations. #8eryone thinks that was
/ush@s ideaA *hat@s how smart Clinton was. :nd that@s why he .ot all the women@s .roups
on his side3because he said he was with them.
So that@s how you do it. Say one GplausibleH thin.J then do another. +r do nothin..
*he point of all this is that our real problem, ultimately, isn@t /ush3it@s the Democrats.
/ush would be paralyKed if the Democrats started beha8in. like a true opposition party.
/ush wouldn@t e8en be there had one Democrat in the House stood up and challen.ed the
8otes of the electoral colle.e. /ut no one said anythin..
:nd for the better part of /ush@s first year, it@s Democrats who ha8e been /ush@s
willin. and necessary partners to madness.
Start with the /ankruptcy )eform :ct, which will make life much harder for workin.
people who need to file for bankruptcy. nstead of ha8in. their debts e9pun.ed, this new
law, passed by both houses of Con.ress and si.ned by /ush, will now force those who ha8e
lost e8erythin. to remain indebted to banks and credit card companies3and find ways to
pay them off. n other words, millions will ne8er crawl out from under the rock of crushin.
debt.
*his bill was passed with the support of thirty,se8en Democratic senators3includin.
e8ery sin.le female Democratic senator3all of whom sided with the bankin. industry
instead of with :merica@s workin. families. n an ironic twist, it was the million aire
Democrats in the Senate3=ennedy, )ockefeller, CorKine, Dayton3who 8oted a.ainst this
repressi8e piece of le.islation.
/ill after bill that came from the /ush,occupied 5hite House to the Con.ress found
scores of Democrats with open arms. *he /ush ta9 cut bill passed o8erwhelmin.ly with
Democratic support, e8en thou.h the bill was desi.ned to benefit the richest !" percent in
the country.
Democrats ha8e also backed /ush on his bombin. of raI and his a..ressi8e actions
toward China. n :u.ust (""!, the crownin. moment of this collaboration came when the
House 8oted to appro8e drillin. for oil in the :laskan wilderness. *hirty,four )epublicans
had already Eumped ship and said they would 8ote a.ainst their own party on this issue.
*hat was stunnin. news to those who were concerned about our en8ironment. /ut the Eoy
soon subsided once the 8ote was taken3and thirty,si9 Democrats 8oted in fa8or of the
/ush plan.
*he saddest spectacle in this or.y of Democrats sleepin. with the enemy was the way
they appro8ed every single one of /ush@s cabinet nominations. Some appointees had the
unanimous support of the Democrats in the SenateJ e8en contro8ersial ones, like 7ohn
:shcroft, picked up a number of crucial Democratic 8otes. :nd not a sin.le Democratic
senator was willin. to filibuster the way a rabid )epublican would ha8e if a Democratic
President had selected such a frin.e radical as :shcroft to be attorney .eneral. f recall,
7anet )eno was choice number three for Clinton: the first two nominees were reEected after
)epublicans went nuts o8er their 8iews on nannies.
/ut that@s the difference3Democrats ha8e no spine. *hey always back down. *here is
no one on their side of the aisle willin. to .o to battle for us the way a *om Delay or *rent
-ott will for his side. *hose .uys will not rest until they win, no matter how many bodies
the road is littered with.
Democrats ha8e become nothin. more than )epublican wannabes. :nd so propose a
course of action: the Democrats must mer.e with the )epublican Party. *hat way, they can
keep doin. what they both do 8ery well3representin. the rich3and sa8e a lot of money
by consolidatin. staff and headIuarters into one ti.ht, fit fi.htin. machine for the top !"
percent.
*he .ood news about such a mer.erD *he workin. people of this country will finally
.et to ha8e their own partyA 5hat@s so terribly wron. with thatD t@ll be the second party of
the two party system. #9cept it@ll represent the other 1" percent of us.
*o speed thin.s alon., now make this offer to the Democrats and )epublicans: will
personally pay, out of my own pocket, for the le.al char.es and other fees to file the papers
with the Federal #lections Commission makin. the mer.er official: the all,new
Democratic,)epublican PartyA :s a .ift, @ll e8en let you keep the ass, the Democrats@
mascot, which you can breed with the )epublican elephant. &ow that ou.hta. be funA
*herefore, @m askin. that by midni.ht on December % !, (""!, the leaders of the
Democratic Party turn o8er the keys to the Party@s headIuarters at 2%" South Capital Street
in 5ashin.ton, D.C., to me Gor anybody else who wants to be responsible for the keys,
Lcause @ll probably lose themH. *here are about ("" plus million of us who would like to
see a real two,party system Gor three,party, or four,party3hey, it@s a bi. countryAH, with one
party fi.htin. for the ri.ht to write off one@s backyard tennis court as a business e9pense
and the other fi.htin. for the ri.ht to see a doctor if one .ets sick. t really is that simple.
f the current Democratic leadership is unwillin. to .i8e me the keys, then plan to file
a class,action suit on behalf of any of us who e8er 8oted for a Democrat, char.in. fraud
and trademark infrin.ement. :fter all, these so,called BDemocratsC are actually
impersonatin. )epublicans, and therefore committin. a deception a.ainst the citiKens who
.a8e them their money, time, and 8otes. will seek an inEunction to prohibit them from
continuin. to use the word BDemocratC without B)epublicanC attached to it.
*he rest of us, then, can mo8e on. 5e can call our party the
&ew Democrats or the 4reen Democrats or the Free /eer Democrats. 5e@ll work that
out later in committee.
G)eaders who wish to sa8e me the cost of this lawsuit can promise to 8ote out all the
phony Democrats and 8ote for honest, pro.ressi8e candidates fi.htin. for the opposite of
what the )epublicans stand for.H
Meanwhile, to those Democratic officials who want to sur8i8e the political carna.e
ahead, ha8e one piece of ad8ice for you: Fuit moonli.htin. for the competition. *hat@s
my last bit of free ad8ice to the party that sent nine boys from my hi.h school to their
.ra8es in ;ietnam. f you can@t clean up your act, fuck you and the donkey you rode in on.
.hapter 0 notes
0E2#
.;inton 2tte'pts a >e)acyF >astEMinute Executi=e Orders and 1e)u;ations
Clinton waited ei.ht years before he finally .ot around to doin. some .ood3the last
days of his presidency. +n the way out the door, he issued directi8es that ...
Q Protected si9ty million acres of national forests from lo..in. and road,buildin.
Q nstituted rules to pre8ent workplace inEuries, includin. er.onomic and Brepetiti8e
stressC re.ulations
Q )aised standards concernin. lead in paint, soil and dust, and truck diesel fuel
Q ssued new #P: clean air re.ulations on diesel fuel for lar.e trucks that would force
sulfur le8els in the fuel be reduced by 1$ percent
Q )eIuired makers of hot do.s and other ready,to,eat meats to test periodically for
3isteria bacteria
Q )eIuired ener.y conser8ation in central air conditioners
Q ssued new re.ulations on washin. machine ener.y efficiency
Q nstituted stricter standards for ener.y,efficient water heaters
Q :dded protections for sea otters alon. the 5est Coast
Q ncreased reIuirements for storin. imported food
Q Proposed re8okin. appro8al for the antibiotic enrofla9acin in poultry feed, which has
resulted in .erms and bacteria resistant to the dru.
Q Safe.uarded :laskan sea lions
Q )eIuired iron, lead, and steel smeltin. facilities to inform the public of all lead
emissions o8er !"" pounds a year3a dramatic drop from the pre8ious le8el of ( $,"""
pounds a year
Q Created an ei.hty,four,million,acre &orthwestern Hawaiian slands Coral )eef
#cosystem )eser8e, bannin. drillin. and cappin. commercial fishin. at their current le8els
Q ssued stricter rules on nutritional labelin. for meat
Q +utlawed snowmobiles in national parks
Q Set child,safety standards for 8ehicles takin. children to Head Start pro.rams
Q -imited the information health care pro8iders can .i8e out without permission of the
patient
Q Protected federal land from hard,rock minin. in cases when minin. would do
irreparable harm to the land
Q :llowed federal officers to deny contracts to companies that 8iolate en8ironmental,
labor, consumer, and employment laws
Q Set standards for usin. bodily restraint and confinement for those under the a.e of
twenty,one in residential psychiatric facilities
Q Proposed to re.ulate bioen.ineered pesticides
Q :warded M%(" million to Chica.o@s mass,transit system
Q :warded M<.$ million to states for child,passen.er safety education
Q Set aside M!> million to buy en8iromnentally sensiti8e cropland from California
farmers
Q )e8ised the re.ulatory definition of BDischar.e of Dred.ed Material,C protectin. the
nation@s wetlands
0E22$
/i'e to 1e'o=e /hese 58e'ocrats6
*his list shows Eust how far off your Democratic representati8es to Con.ress are from a
pro.ressi8e a.enda. *he percenta.es represent how often they 8oted a.ainst liberal
le.islation and in fa8or of the )epublicans. GSource: :mericans for Democratic :ctionJ
based on 8otin. records in the year ("""H.
C+S+ 0OCSE OA 1E41ESEN/2/%3ES
)alph M. Hall, *? G8oted with 4+P >"Z of the timeH
=en -ucas, =' G<$ZH
Christopher 7ohn, -: G<"ZH
7im *raficant, +H G<"ZH
Marion /erry, :) G0$ZH
/ud Cramer, :- G0$ZH
)onnie Shows, MS G0$ZH
4ene *aylor, MS G$$ZH
Sanford D. /ishop 7r., 4: G$"ZH
:llen /oyd, F- G$"ZH
4ary Condit, C: G$"ZH
Da8id Phelps, - G$"ZH
-eonard /oswell, : G2$ZH
7erry Costello, - G2$ZH
*im Holden, P: G2$ZH
Paul #. =anEorski, P: G2$ZH
7ames H. Maloney, C* G2$ZH
Michael ). Mc&ulty, &' G2$ZH
/ob Clement, *& G2"ZH
/ob #therid.e, &C G2"ZH
Harold Ford, *& G2"ZH
/art 4ordon, *& G2"ZH
Collin C. Peterson, M& G2"ZH
Ma9 Sandlin, *? G2"ZH
Shelley /erkley, &; G%$ZH
Peter Deutsch, F- G%$ZH
7im /arcia, M G0"ZH
ke Skelton, M+ G0"ZH
5illiam ". -ipinski, - G$$ZH
*im )oemer, & G$$ ZH
:dam Smith, 5: G$$ZH
Charlie Stenholm, *? G$$ZH
7ohn *anner, *& G$$ZH
Mike Doyle, P: G%$ZH
7ohn 7. -aFalce, *& G%$ZH
Frank Mascara, P: G%$ZH
Carolyn McCarthy, &' G%$ZH
Dennis Moore, =S G%$ZH
Solomon P. +rtiK, *? G%$ZH
-oretta SancheK, C: G%$ZH
/art Stupak, M! G%$ZH
/rian /aird, 5: G%"ZH
-ois Capps, C: G%"ZH
#8a Clayton, &C G%"ZH
Cal Dooley, C: G%"ZH
/arry Hill, & G%"ZH
Darlene Hooley, +) G%"ZH
7ay nslee, 5: G%"ZH
5illiam 7. 7efferson, -: G%"ZH
7im Moran, ;: G%"ZH
&ick )ahall,5; G%"ZH
;ic Snyder, :) G%"ZH
7ohn Spratt, SC G%"ZH
#llen *auscher, C: G%"ZH
SEN2/E
Uell Miller, 4: G;oted with the 4+P !""Z of the timeH
7ohn /reau9, -: G$"ZH
Daniel nouye, H G2"ZH
Ma9 Cleland, 4: G%"ZH
/lanche -incoln, :) G%"ZH
0E22"
3u;nera-;e 1epu-;icans Who .an Be Beaten
*he followin. )epublican members of Con.ress are the most likely to be defeated if a
stron. and real Democrat runs a.ainst them:
SEN2/E
5ayne :llard, C+
Susan Collins, M#
Pete Domenici, &M
*im Hutchinson, :)
Mitch McConnell, ='
/ob Smith, &H
4ordon Smith, +)
*ed Ste8ens, :=
Strom *hurmond, SC
0OCSE
Shelley Moore Capito, 5;
Mike Fer.uson, &7
Melissa Hart, P: Ste8e Hom, C:
Mark =ennedy, M&
Dou. +se, C:
Charles GChipH Pickerin., MS
Mike )o.ers, M
)ob Simmons, C*
Heather 5ilson, &M
E>E3EN
/he 4eop;e&s 4rayer
% /0%N@ %/ was *homas :Iuinas who once obser8ed, B*here@s nothin. like your own
shit to make you realiKe how much you stink.C
n 7uly (""!, &ancy )ea.an, then keepin. a round,the,clock watch at her husband@s
deathbed, dispatched former )ea.an henchmen Michael Dea8er and =enneth Duberstein to
5ashin.ton, D.C., with a pri8ate messa.e to 4eor.e 5 ./ush and the )epublican
leadership. *he party had been di8ided o8er the issue of stem cell research, the on.oin.
science of takin. stem cells from discarded human embryos and usin. those cells to treat
people with debilitatin. conditions like :lKheimer@s Gthe affliction that had 8isited former
President )ea.anH, or find cures for other life,threatenin. diseases. *he antiabortion Kealots
Gamon. whom are included the )ea.ans and the /ushesH who ha8e controlled the party for
decades demanded that there be no embryonic research, re.ardless of the sufferin. of the
li8in..
5 had been leanin. toward bannin. the research, tellin. the public, in essence, that he
saw those dead embryos as li8in. babies. .uess he feared that women would run out and
fertiliKe their e..s Eust so they could .et an embryo, ha8e an abortion, and then sell the
embryos for research. Such is the acti8e fantasy life of the conser8ati8e nutcases who run
this country.
/ut now the nuts were comin. unscrewed, as a number of conser8ati8es, from *ommy
*hompson to Connie Mack, were .i8in. their appro8al to stem cell research, declarin. that
it had nothin. to do with the takin. of a Bhuman life.C Suddenly the media were full of
stories of a conser8ati8e mutiny on the issue. )i.ht to -ife went to war to stop the flood
toward reason.
5, thou.h, seemed unfaKed and unmo8ed, more concerned with the brand of toothpaste
the /ritish prime minister was usin. than with chan.in. his antiabortion position.
/ut then the word came from &ancy. *he soon,to,be,widow asked /ush to chan.e his
mind and appro8e, support, fund, and champion stem cell research. *he research, she
relayed to him throu.h her errand boys, mi.ht sa8e )onnie or future )onnies sufferin.
from :lKheimer@s, Parkinson@s, -ou 4ehri.@s, and other catastrophic illnesses. &ancy had
already been modifyin. her abortion stance o8er the past few years, and now she was
comin. out for the first time and sayin., no, an embryo is &+* a human bein..
n that one moment, the entire playin. field shifted. *he call from the front office had
been made: SC)#5 *H# 6&/+)&A S:;# *H# 4PP#)A
:nd sure enou.h, within days, /aby /ush@s principles were disappearin. faster than a
Condit intern. 5ord came from the 5hite House that now there was nothin. wron. with
BcertainC stem cell research. /ush went on *; and would not say that a human embryo was
a h"man being. :fter decades of crammin. it down our throats that Bhuman life be.ins at
conception,C we were now bein. told by the same indi8iduals who trashed a woman@s ri.ht
to an abortion that these Bunborn babiesC were actually nothin. more that some dead
embryonic tissue3which mi.ht Eust keep some sick rich people ali8e a few more yearsA
:ll o8er the country, )epublican honchos Eoined in the call for more stem cell research.
+rrin Hatch led the char.e, sayin., B*his is not a Iuestion of the destruction of human life,
it@s a Iuestion of facilitation of human life.C #8en Strom Bonly,in,cases,of,rape,or,incestC
*hurmond a.reed. BStem cell research could potentially treat and cure such maladies as
multiple sclerosis, :lKheimer@s, Parkinson@s, heart disease, 8arious types of cancer, and
diabetes.... am encoura.ed by this pioneerin. science and support federal fundin. for its
research,C said the old man, whose dau.hter, not so coincidentally, suffers from Eu8enile
diabetes.
*here@s nothin. more lo8able than an unembarrassed hypocrite from the )i.ht. *hey
spend their entire li8es makin. e8eryone else@s life miserable, but as soon as a little misery
enters their li8es, then it@s B/elief system be damned3 want resultsAC *hey de8ote all their
ener.ies for years to makin. it hard for blacks, chicks, or .uys who like .uys to .et ahead
or be treated with an ounce of di.nity, but the minute someone in their family is bein.
held back3whoa, you better .et outta my kid@s way, buster3he@s specialA
)ea.an, /ush, Cheney, and the whole -ott of them are responsible for decades of cruel
le.islation desi.ned to punish the poor, imprison those with health problems Gdru.
addictionsH, or strip ri.hts from desperate people here in :merica Bille.ally.C /ut when they
find themselves in a desperate situation, suddenly they ha8e the compassion of St. Francis
and the mercy of Mother *eresa.
*he rich and powerful make it their mission in life to destroy our air, poison our water,
rip us off, and make it impossible for us to .et any sort of help at the customer ser8ice
window, but when their actions come back to haunt them they aren@t spooked3they@re
lookin. for a handout.
5ell, say that@s a .ood thin.A -et@s hope they .et all they@re lookin. for. f it takes a
personal tra.edy for them to come to their senses, so be it. :fter all, in spite of their se8en,
bathroom houses and .ara.es full of /entleys, they@re Eust like us. *hey are H,6,M,:,&.
:nd when a lo8ed one of theirs is lyin. in bed constantly soilin. their adult diapers, pissin.
all o8er the new desi.ner sheets, and blabberin. on like the crippled souls whose care and
fundin. they Eust cut from the federal bud.et3well, in times like these, rich or poor, pus
from facial sores all starts lookin. the same. #Iuality achie8ed3one nation, incapacitated,
Eustice for all.
So now, thanks to )onald )ea.an@s misfortune, we@re .oin. to .et a little federally
funded stem cell research3maybe e8en find a cure for :lKheimer@s and 4od knows what
else. 7ust think about that for a minute. *his is what it takes today to .et a little responsible
scientific research funded. +ur belo8ed former leader, o helped ruin the li8es of millions of
women because he thou.ht these embryos were little tykes, now finds himself in a
debilitatin. pickle3and Eust because hordes of conser8ati8es consider him a saint, millions
of a8era.e :mericans will finally be relie8ed of their sufferin.D
*his phenomenon3the well,heeled chan.in. their tune as soon as they become the
8ictims3is happenin. e8erywhere. n &ew 'ork City, )epublican mayor )udolph 4iuliani,
who for years opposed the city payin. for health care for uninsured children, did an abrupt
about,face3after he came down with cancer. B ha8e to admit,C a humbled 4iuliani
e9plained to the press, B+nce .ot cancer, be.an to see a lot of thin.s in a new li.ht.C
+r take /i. Dick Cheney. Cheney Iuietly halts any anti.ay initiati8es that may come
from the 5hite House. 5hyD /ecause his dau.hter is a lesbian. 5here would Dick Cheney
stand on this issue if a lo8ed one of his weren@t .ayD Probably not too far down that road in
5yomin. where Matthew Shepard was left to die on a cross of fence posts. *hese fa..ots
and fairies take on a whole new dimension when one of them spran. from your loins. *he
day his dau.hter came out of the closet was at least one day Dick Cheney stopped bein. a
fat,cat )epublican and responded like a human bein. and a father. 5hen it hits home, it@s
8ery hard to keep actin. like an asshole.
So @8e decided that the only hope we ha8e in this country to brin. aid to the sick,
protection to the 8ictims of discrimination, and a better life to those who suffer is to pray
like craKy that those in power are afflicted with the worst possible diseases, tra.edies, and
circumstances in life. /ecause can .uarantee you, as soon as it@s their ass on the line,
we@re all on the way to bein. sa8ed.
5ith that in mind, @8e written a prayer to speed the reco8ery of all those in need, by
askin. 4od to smite e8ery political leader and corporate e9ecuti8e with some form of
deadly disease. know it isn@t nice to ask 4od to brin. harm to others, but @d like to think
that 4od is not only merciful and Eust, he also has a hi.hly de8eloped sense of irony. think
he@d like to see a little .rief come to those who ha8e abused his planet and his children.
So ha8e written B: Prayer to :fflict the Comfortable with :s Many :fflictions :s
Possible.C :fter all, history tells us that 4od enEoys a .ood old,fashioned smitin. e8ery
now and then3and who better to smite than the Stupid 5hite types who .ot us into this
messD
Please pray this prayer with me each mornin., preferably before the openin. bell of the
&*'S#. t matters not what reli.ion you claim, or if you claim none at all. *his prayer is
nondiscriminatory, portable, and reIuires no collection plate.
Half of :frica will soon be dyin. of :DS. *wel8e million kids in :merica today do not
.et to eat the food they need. *e9as is still e9ecutin. innocent citiKens. *ime@s a,wastin..
/ow your heads and Eoin with me now...
: Prayer to :fflict the Comfortable
Dear -ord G4odN'ahwehN/uddhaN/obN&obodyH:
5e beseech 'ou, " merciful +ne, to brin. comfort to those who suffer today for
whate8er reason 'ou, &ature, or the 5orld /ank has deemed appropriate. 5e realiKe, "
hea8enly Father, that 'ou cannot cure all the sick at once3that would surely empty out the
hospitals the .ood nuns ha8e established in 'our name. :nd we accept that 'ou, the
+mniscient +ne, cannot eliminate all the e8il in the world, for that would surely put *hee
out of a Eob.
)ather, dear -ord, we ask that 'ou inflict e8ery member of the House of
)epresentati8es with horrible, incurable cancers of the brain, penis, and hand Gthou.h not
necessarily in that orderH. 5e ask, +ur -o8in. Father, that e8ery senator from the South be
rendered addicted to dru.s and find himself locked away for life. 5e beseech 'ou to make
the children of e8ery senator in the Mountain *ime Uone .ay3really .ay. Put the children
of senators from the #ast in a wheelchair and the children of senators from the 5est in a
public school. 5e implore, Most Merciful +ne, Eust as 'ou turned -ot@s wife into a pillar of
salt, that 'ou turn the rich3all the rich3into paupers and homeless, wipin. out their entire
sa8in.s, assets, and mutual funds. )emo8e from them their positions of power, and yea,
may they walk throu.h the 8alley and into the darkness of a welfare office. Condemn them
to a life of flippin. bur.ers and dod.in. bill collectors. -et them hear the wailin. of the
innocents as they sit in the middle seat of row 2% in coach and let them feel the .nashin. of
teeth that are abscessed and rotted like the !"> million who ha8e no dental co8era.e.
Hea8enly Father, we pray that all white leaders Gespecially the alumni of /ob 7ones
6ni8ersityH who belie8e black people ha8e it .ood these days be risen from their sleep
tomorrow mornin. with their skin as black as a stretch limo so that they may enEoy the
riches and reap the bountiful fruits of bein. black in :merica. 5e humbly reIuest that 'our
anointed ones, the bishops of the Holy )oman Catholic Church, be smitten with o8aries and
unplanned pre.nancies and a pamphlet about the rhythm method.
Finally, dear -ord, we call upon 'ou to ha8e 7ack 5elch swim the Hudson he has
polluted, to force Hollywood@s e9ecuti8es to sit and watch their own mo8ies o8er and o8er
and o8er, to ha8e 7esse Helms kissed on the lips by a man of his own .ender, to make Chris
Matthews .o mute, to let the air3Iuickly3out of /ill +@)eilly, and turn to ash all who are
responsible for those who smoke in my office. +h, yes, and unleash with a fury a pla.ue of
locusts to nest in the toupee of the Senate Minority -eader from the .reat state of
Mississippi.
May 'ou hear our prayers and .rant them, " =in. of =in.s, 5ho sits on hi.h and
watches o8er us as best 'ou can, considerin. what screwups we are. 4rant us some relief
from our misery and sufferin., as we know that the men 'ou shall smite will be swift in
their efforts to rid themsel8es of their misfortune, which in turn may rid us of ours.
5ith this we pray, in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy,Spirit,
5ho,6sed,to,/e,a,4host, :men.
E4%>O:CE
/a;;ahassee 0iE0o
% 023E 2 confession to make:
am the person responsible for the BpresidencyC of 4eor.e 5. /ush. Me. Michael
Moore. could ha8e pre8ented it all.
&ow ha8e made a lot of people an.ry, and the country is in the crapper.
*hat@s why @m in hidin..
am writin. this epilo.ue from my bunker in the woods of northern Michi.an,
somewhere alon. the forty,fifth parallel. *he locals say that am sittin. e9actly halfway
between the #Iuator and the &orth Pole, but to me it feels like a million miles from
nowhere.
am no lon.er thinkin. about how we can Sa8e the country or the planet3my only
concern now is how to sa8e my own sorry ass.
t all started in *allahassee. *allahassee, Florida. 'es, that *allahassee.
My presence in the state capital of Florida had nothin. to do with the thirty,si9,day
media circus that followed the (""" election. *hat little piece of slo,mo roadkill was for
those who hadn@t had their +7NMonica fi9 for a while and desperately needed to watch one
more u.ly seam of the nation unra8el like a &ewt 4in.rich marria.e. *hat was not what
brou.ht me to *allahassee, and was there for none of those thirty,se8en days.
landed in *allahassee !$ days before the election. 5hat didn7t count on was a pre,
dawn meetin. with the 4o8ernor of Florida, 7eb /ush. 7ust him and me on a dark street in
downtown *allahassee, his body.uards lurkin. nearby, ready at a moment@s notice to eat
me for breakfast.
had .one to Florida to try and stop his brother from winnin. the election, to ward off a
disaster that loomed on the horiKon, to defeat the enemy. 0#enty Seconds over
0allahassee5
t was a mission destined to fail.
:s a result of my actions, don@t know whom should fear more3the oilmen who now
run the corporation known as B*he 6nited States of :mericaC from inside the +8al +ffice,
or the deran.ed liberals who want my head because they think was somehow the
mastermind behind the &ader campai.n, and that ... ... ...
+=:'A :-- )4H*A *@S *)6#AA * 5:S M#3'#S M#A M#A M#A (07S A33
M' F:6-*AA 5H:* 5:S *H&=&4DDD DD )#:--' 5:&* *+ M##* S6S:&
S:):&D+& *H:* /:D-'D +h 4od, for.i8e me, ha8e wrecked the country3this
wonderful psycho nation of idealists and accountants who only want the ri.ht to dri8e their
Che8y /laKers across the fruited plain, whose only reIuest is to someday be told the
difference between Bpartly sunnyC and Bpartly cloudy,C who seek nothin. more than a
cellular plan with enou.h peak,time free minutes so they@ll always be ready if one of their
kids should call from inside a school shootin. because they need Mommy or Daddy to
phone C&& immediately and start ne.otiatin. the ri.hts to the really cool foota.e they@re
shootin. ri.ht now of the carna.e in the cafeteria.
Somehow think can outwit the thu.s from Halliburton and #nron Gnow referred to as
BSpecial :ssistants to the ;ice PresidentCH. *hey will be contained, Iuarantined, and put
out of their misery soon enou.h.
/ut no amount of contrition will satisfy the 4orestapo who are ri.htfully upset that
their man has been barred from the office he won. *hey@re brimmin. with an.er. ha8e to
tell you, ha8e not seen liberals this an.ry since ... since ... well, don@t think @8e really
ever seen liberals .et too worked up about anythin.A :fter all, it@s not like they@re the
Christian )i.ht, who ha8e mana.ed3with 4od and insanity on their side3to always .et
their way.
#9cept now all these liberals a.ree finally on one thin.: /lamin. )alph &ader3and
blaming me5 5hy blame meD *hey don@t know the whole storyA )alph &ader fired me in
!1>>3kicked me out on the street, pennilessA
&ow, in order to sur8i8e, to protect the ones lo8e, and to .et this book @8e written out
to those of you lucky enou.h to find it amid the latest literature from our national wrestlin.
heroes, ha8e retreated deep into the forest with my laptop and my compass, li8in. off the
land the way &ature intended, Eottin. down my final thou.hts in the hopes that some
lessons can be learned.
-ast week, while was chan.in. planes in Detroit, a .uy with a bi. smile on his face
comes up to me, puts out his hand, and offers this .reetin.: B#8eryone says you@re an
asshole, so Eust wanted to meet youAC He turned and ran, missin. my response:
B#8erybody is ri.htAC
*he whole state of Michi.an is full of people like this. Honest and polite. -ike the letter
.ot today, a letter similar to many @8e recei8ed of late:
BDear 7erk,C it read. B hope you are satisfied with what you ha8e done. 'ou and that
e.omaniac )alph &ader will ha8e us all drinkin. arsenic in our water before we know it.
Do us a fa8or: drop dead.C
could write back and tell him that )alph &ader is responsible for nothin. other than
inspirin. o8er a million new 8oters to come to the polls, because he was the only candidate
to tell the truth about what is happenin. to this country. *he rich made out like bandits
durin. the Democratic 'ears of the !11"s. :bsolutely nothin. has been done to alle8iate the
hardships faced by forty fi8e million :mericans who ha8e no health co8era.e. *he
minimum wa.e remains unchan.ed at a sla8e wa.e of M$.!$ an hour.
could tell him that because )alph &ader was on the ballot in the state of 5ashin.ton,
the maEority of those !"!,1"0 citiKens who 8oted for &ader also 8oted for the Democrat for
6.S. Senate. *hanks to these &ader 8oters, Maria Cantwell became 5ashin.ton@s new
senator by only (,((1 8otes. f you@re .oin. to blame &ader for takin. 8otes from 4ore in
Florida, then you must also .i8e credit to &ader for brin.in. thousands of new 8oters to the
polls who made the difference for Cantwell3thus allowin. the Democrats to force a $",$"
tie in the Senate. *hen, once there was a tie, one senator from ;ermont realiKed he suddenly
had a lot of power3and used it to turn the Senate o8er to the Democrats by lea8in. the
)epublican Party. &one of that could ha8e happened without &ader.
could remind my correspondent that the only people who cost 4ore the election he
ri.htfully won were the fi8e Eustices of the Supreme Court who would not let all the 8otes
be counted. :nd could point out that 4ore ne8er would ha8e found himself in the Eam he
was in had he won his own state, or won Clinton@s home state, or won, decisi8ely, at least
one of the three debates. 4ore did none of that, and that@s what put him in the Eam he found
himself in. :nd to 4ore@s credit, he has not blamed )alph &ader. He blames the Kipper on
Clinton@s pantsA
could write back and tell my friendly correspondent all of this, but won@t. nstead
would like to tell him Gand youH a story that until now ha8e only told a few close friends3
a story about my fourteen hours in hell, in a place called *allahassee.
a8oid Florida. t@s so sticky and humid that you ha8e to carry around a roll of the
Fuicker Picker,6pper Eust to stay dry. *he state is full of bu.s and mosIuitoes. *hey
kidnap little Cuban boys and won@t return them to their fathers. t@s like e8ery day is
huntin. season for 4erman tourists in rental cars. *hen there@s 5alt Disney 5orld. :nd
4loria #stefan. *he =ennedys runnin. around in their freshly chan.ed underwear in 5est
Palm /each. &ot to mention hurricanes, /ebe )eboKo, *ed /undy, :nita /ryant, swamps,
cheap .uns, and the ational *n%"irer. ( hate Florida.
'et somethin. deep inside was compellin. me to .o down there as the &o8ember
election drew near. Maybe it was Eust somethin. ate, maybe not.
had been asked to come and speak to the student body at Florida State 6ni8ersity. :t
first had said yes, but later had to cancel due to the shootin. schedule on my film.
*hen :l 4ore failed to win the third and final debate with 4eor.e 5. /ush. &ow where
come from, the smart .uy wins in a debateJ the dumb .uy loses. t really is that simple.
/ut not this time. couldn@t belie8e my eyes. t was clear that :l 4ore was doin.
e8erythin. he could to lose the election.
called the people back at Florida State in *allahassee to see if was still welcome, and
they were more than happy to accommodate me. : date was set for me to address the
student body, the followin. week, now Eust two weeks before #lection Day. would also
hold a press conference for the statewide media and make an announcement.
had somethin. wanted to say about )alph &ader.
My relationship with )alph is a complicated one. had once worked in his office back
in the late ei.hties. He had .i8en me a Eob when was unemployed, and this .enerous act
was somethin. resol8ed to ne8er for.et.
From my cubicle ne9t to )alph@s office on the second floor of a buildin. built by
:ndrew Carne.ie, published a media,watch newsletter, modestly called Moore P
?ee!ly. ( also started shootin. what would become 2oger @ Me.
#8erythin. was fine until the day si.ned a deal with a publisher to write a book about
4eneral Motors. 5hen )alph heard the news of my .ood fortune, he wasn@t breakin. out
the M$" ci.ars.
B5hat makes you Iualified to write a book about 4eneral MotorsDC he demanded. He
also wanted to know by what ri.ht was makin. this film, why was spendin. more time
in Flint than in D.C., and why wasn@t that newsletter bein. published more re.ularlyD
Finally he peered down at me and Eust shook his head in pity. B5ell, you can take Mike
out of Flint,C he offered derisi8ely, Bbut you can@t take the Flint out of Mike.C He asked that
pack up and lea8e.
was crushed. found a place to edit my film and mo8ed on. 5hen the mo8ie came
out, as a show of support and no hard feelin.s, called )alph and offered to .i8e his
proEects the proceeds from my 5ashin.ton premiere. He refused the offer. nstead, he and
an associate trashed me in the e# -or! 0imes. ( was crushed a.ain. *wo crushes and
.et the messa.e. didn@t speak to him for the ne9t ei.ht years.
/y the late nineties, fi.ured it was time to .i8e him a call. G must ha8e been not
.ettin. enou.h reEection in my life.H in8ited him and his staff to attend the openin. of my
latest film, 0he >ig 1ne. *hey did. stood in the back of the theatre and watched )alph
ha8in. a .ood time and a hearty lau.h. :fterward had him stand and take a bow, which
was recei8ed by loud and enthusiastic applause. +n the way out .a8e him a hu.. )alph is
not a hu..er3actually, neither am . .uess saw it a mo8ie somewhere and it looked
cool.
*wo years later, @m sittin. on the porch in Michi.an mindin. my own business when
)alph calls and asks that endorse him for President of the 6nited States. try not to
endorse politicians because3well, for the same reason you don@t3they@re all so slick, they
ha8e bad hair, they can@t .et throu.h two sentences without tellin. a lie. )alph was none of
these thin.s, Eust a cranky .enius. n other words, not presidential material. n !110 he put
his name on the ballot and then did 8irtually no campai.nin.. t was a bi. letdown to those
who supported him. 5as he serious this timeD 'es, he told me, this time it was the Breal
thin..C He was .oin. to raise a .ood chunk of money, and he was committed to 8isitin. all
fifty states. He would ha8e a full,time staff. -ucky themA
wanted to .et off the phone and .o back to doin. nothin.. didn@t want to .et mi9ed
up in all the hoo,ha knew would come from such a run. /ut what was my choiceD Pretend
the country was in .reat shapeD Put my faith in one of the maEor party candidates who were
bein. funded by the same bi. shots spend my time fi.htin. and filmin.D Sit in Michi.an
and feed the sIuirrelsD
couldn@t let )alph down. He had not let me down a lon. time a.o, and he had ne8er
let the country down. f his 8oice wasn@t heard durin. this election, then none of the issues
we care deeply about would e8er .et mentioned, let alone debated.
/efore sayin. yes, decided to send a personal letter to :l 4ore, .i8in. him a chance to
e9plain himself and tell me why should e8en think of 8otin. for him, considerin. the
ClintonN4ore record.
He sent me back a four,pa.e letter, the kind where the first para.raph and the last
sentence are personaliKed and the rest is spit out at you from a computer. He thanked me for
my Bpro8ocati8e letter,C and then went on to repeat his positions, which already knew.
:lthou.h had kept an open mind, nothin. he said con8inced me that we were .oin. to see
anythin. different out of him if he made it to the +8al +ffice. called )alph and told him
was on board, as lon. as didn@t ha8e to wear a .ray suit, eat hummus, or .ut a whale.
)alph@s campai.n was distributin. a column by Molly 8ins that offered ad8ice to those
who would like to 8ote for &ader but didn@t want to put 4eor.e5. /ush in the 5hite
House. f they li8ed in a state where either 4ore or /ush was e9pected to win by a wide
mar.in, she su..ested, then they should use their 8ote to send a messa.e, and .i8e it to
)alph &ader. /ut if they li8ed in one of the states where the election was close, then they
must 8ote for 4ore to block /ush. Me, normally 8ote for whoe8er think is the best
candidate, Eust like was tau.ht in se8enth .rade ci8ics3but what do knowD
Pri8ately, think most people in the &ader camp thou.ht what thou.ht3that once
4ore had a chance to wipe the floor with /ush in a debate, the election would be o8er. So
we fi.ured, let@s .et out millions of 8otes for &ader to show the ne9t President3:l 4ore3
that there@s a lar.e number of :mericans who don@t want him pushin. the Democratic Party
further to the ri.ht. : stron. 8ote for &ader mi.ht be a way to check 4ore and his promise
to do thin.s like spend more on the military and less on Eobs.
'eah, we were real .eniuses.
*hen came the debates. )alph was shut out of them, which left :merica with three
ninety,minute shows in which 4ore and /ush a.reed with each other more than they
disa.reed. n the second debate, the two of them said they a.reed with each other on
thirty<seven different iss"es. t was stunnin. to watch.
4ore had blown it. He had failed to unmask /ush@s i.norance and stupidity. He had
failed to set himself apart and show the nation there was a real difference on the ballot. He
had three chances to nuke that smirkin. son of a /ush, and he couldn@t do itA Messa.e to
the country: f this is how he ca8es with 7unior, what will happen when he .ets in a room
with the )ussiansD +r the Canadians5
was shocked by the implications. t was startin. to look as if 4ore would lose. He was
.oin. to lose his home state. He was .oin. to lose Clinton@s home state. He couldn@t
con8ince the Democratic dean of the Senate, )obert /yrd of 5est ;ir.inia, to endorse him
until five days before the election Gthus sacrificin. 5est ;ir.inia, a traditional Democratic
stron.hold, to /ushH. Any one of these states would ha8e .i8en 4ore all the electoral
8otes he would need to win the 5hite House.
4ore was implodin.3and &ader 8oters e8erywhere were like rats Eumpin. off a
sinkin. ship Gnice rats, thou.h3the lo8able fluffy kindH. )alph saw his poll numbers cut in
half. t appeared that he would not .et the $ percent necessary to recei8e federal matchin.
funds in the ne9t election.
*hin.s at &ader Central went craKy. : decision was made to disa8ow the 8ins plan and
.o out on a second tour3of states where 4ore mi.ht win or lose by a percenta.e point, and
)alph@s presence would make all the difference. Gn some of these states &ader@s poll
numbers were as hi.h as !( percent.H t was a bold, in,your,face strate.y that said to the
Democrats, B'ou ha8e deserted your base. 'ou are no lon.er Democrats. t is now time you
were tau.ht a lesson.C &othin. like a .ood switch to the buttocks from Headmaster &aderA
-ook, we all know the only thin. a politician fears is bein. remo8ed from that nice
coKy office with the interns and the e9pense account. G*hat, and the prospect of ha8in. to
.et a real Eob.H f you don@t hold that o8er their heads, they will ne8er beha8e, ne8er listen
to us, ne8er .et out of bed in the mornin. and show up for work. )alph &ader represented
the country@s only hope of pushin. 4ore toward doin. the ri.ht thin..
#8eryone knew this effort to barnstorm in the swin. states could cost 4ore the election
and put /ush in the 5hite House. /ut when you@8e seen the administration you 8oted for
side more often with the )epublicans than the traditional DemocratsJ when you@8e watched
as these Democrats make life harder for the poor, pa8in. the way for the rich to ha8e their
bi..est or.y in historyJ when my hometown ends up losin. more 4M Eobs durin. the ei.ht
years of ClintonN4ore than durin. those twel8e years of )ea.anN/ush3well, here@s your
choice: Do you want to .et fucked by someone who tells you they@re .oin. to fuck you, or
do you want to .et fucked by someone who lies to you, and then fucks youD
am sorry for the lan.ua.e, but that@s probably the nicest way to e9plain how and
millions of other :mericans saw this election. 'ou don@t ha8e to a.ree, you don@t ha8e to
like it, you Eust ha8e to read that sentence one more time if you want to e8en come close to
comprehendin. the le8el of our an.er.
know a lot of .ood people could see no other way but to 8ote for the Democrat. *hey
would rather be told B lo8e youC while .ettin. screwed than ha8e to look at the face of the
/east on top of them for the ne9t four years. know that feelin.. *ell me that you lo8e me
and you can do Eust about anythin. to me3includin. trashin. me in the &ew 'ork *imesA
/ut these )eluctant Democrats for 4ore were really our allies. *hey wanted many of
the same thin.s we did, they Eust took a different path. My attitude was, if /ush won, we
were .oin. to ha8e to work with these well,meanin. liberals to sa8e the world from the
-esser /ush. t was not ri.ht to Eust tell them to .o to hell.
So told the &ader staff. Hey, there@s no reason to purposely piss these people3our
friends, or potential friends3off. +ur fi.ht is with those who ha8e stolen the name
Democrat3the party hacks, the lobbyists, the weasels who somehow couldn@t cut it in the
)epublican Party because they didn@t ha8e what it takes to destroy a national forest, or
close a thousand libraries, or take free breakfasts away from the malnourished little ones in
the inner city. 'ou ha8e to ha8e real .uts to do stuff like that, and you ha8e to enEoy it.
*hose who don@t, .et Eobs o8er at the Democratic Party.
+ur fi.ht wasn@t with the core 8oters who still feel some desperate connection to what
is called the BDemocratic Party.C *he fact that millions of :mericans still hold out hope that
the Democrats are .oin. to represent their interests better than the )epublicans is more a
comment on our failure to show the country Eust how similar these two parties are3and
how the Democrats will sell them out nearly e8ery time.
*he &ader campai.n asked me to .o with them on this tour of the swin. states in the
final weeks before the election. declined. told them would rather work hard in those
states where )alph could .et a lot of 8otes #itho"t bein. responsible for /ush winnin. the
election. 5hy not spend our ener.ies in &ew 'ork and *e9as where the outcome is clearly
knownD 3*ell people in those states not to waste their 8otes on 4ore, they will ha8e Kero
impact. /ut they could send a stron. messa.e if &ader were to pull down !" percent of the
8ote.
*hat was not the strate.y that had been decided. *hey respected my decision and
wished me well.
landed in *allahassee on the afternoon of +ctober (%, (""". : student from Florida
State, his brother, and his sister,in,law picked me up at the airport, and as we walked
toward the car, they started askin. about Bthe in8iteC they heard had e9tended 7eb /ush.
B#8eryone@s talkin. about itAC they told me.
B5hat Lin8ite@ are you talkin. aboutDC asked.
B*he one you made in the paper yesterday.C
*hey handed me a copy of Sunday@s 0allahassee .emocrat) the city@s daily paper,
and there on the front pa.e of a section was an inter8iew had done with a reporter the
week before on the phone from &ew 'ork. : bi. picture of me and a Iuote challen.in. the
4o8ernor to show up and face me on the sta.e that ni.ht. +oh, Mr. *ou.h 4uyA )eal easy
to throw down the .auntlet when you@re a thousand miles away, isn@t itD +f course, it@s a
whole other thin. when you@re suddenly all alone in a state full of people who don@t take
kindly to smart,ass northerners. /ut wasn@t thinkin. that far ahead.
arri8ed at the uni8ersity and be.an the press conference. was ner8ous. didn@t want
any misunderstandin.s o8er what was about to say.
told the media present that /ush had to be stopped. appealed to the people in Florida
that if 4ore was their man, then by all means, they should .et out and 8ote for him. /ut if
you were 8otin. for &ader, wanted you to think lon. and hard about your 8ote. *he
stakes, felt, would be different in Florida. f it@s more important to you to stop /ush, then
you mi.ht ha8e to 8ote for 4ore. would understand and respect your decision.
*he reporters were a bit surprised. 5as switchin. my 8ote to 4oreD &o, said, @m
8otin. for )alph. +f course, that@s easy for me to say3 li8e in a state where 4ore is
already .oin. to win by a landslide. /ut if you li8e in Florida, thin.s are different.
*he story went out across the state that one of )alph &ader@s Bcelebrity backersC had
.i8en the .reen li.ht to 8ote for 4ore in Florida if that@s what 8oters thou.ht was the ri.ht
thin. to do.
5hen the press conference finished, ran into the bathroom and .ot sick. t was time
for me to .o on sta.e. :n o8erflow crowd of two thousand people packed the auditorium.
*he or.aniKer ban.ed on the door. B5e need to start,C she shouted.
B7ust .i8e me a few minutes,C replied. .ot sicker. :nother ban. on the door. BShow
them a se.ment from my *; show,C said. B@ll be okay in a minute.C
didn@t know if was sick because of this horrible pressure felt or because @d been
treated to a B5hatabur.erC bur.er Ga *allahassee fa8oriteH on the way into town. Maybe
Eust knew that the whole election3the whole country3was in the shitcan with me, and
there was no escape for any of us.
*wenty minutes late, walked onto the sta.e. *he 4reens were all sittin. down front,
&ader si.ns in hand. told them, and the rest of the audience, that there was a bitter pill
knew some of them wanted to swallow. told the crowd, -o" have to "se yo"r best
H"dgment6follo# yo"r conscience. Please know that will think no less of you if you
feel you ha8e to 8ote for 4ore. will still be 8otin. for &ader, said, and went o8er the
litany of reasons why it was a matter of conscience for me G cannot e8er 8ote for someone
who belie8es in the e9ecution of other human bein.s, who belie8es that we should continue
the weekly bombin. of ci8ilians in other countries, who thinks that the minimum wa.e
should .o up by only a dollar an hour, who wants to si.n additional trade a.reements like
&:F*: so that e8en more :mericans can lose their EobsH.
told the crowd that couldn@t pull the le8er Gor punch the holeH for 4ore, a man who
wanted to spend more on the military than /ush did, who wouldn@t seek .uaranteed health
care for all our citiKens immediately, who thou.ht that 7anet )eno was wron. to return little
#li[n 4onKales to Cuba. *hat@s who :l 4ore was.
/ut, said, understand your uniIue dilemma here in Florida. So don@t listen to me, do
what you think is best, we@ll sort it all out later. :nd 4od bless these &ader kids down front
here for their coura.e and dedication, somethin. that many of their si9ties,era parents had
lon. a.o snuffed.
*he F R : that followed the speech, plus another discussion in the student union
afterward with a couple hundred students and community acti8ists Gsome of whom had
dri8en three hours to be thereH, was a powerful back,and,forth about how to handle the
comin. delu.e. /y the time it was o8er, it was !:%" :.M., fi8e and a half hours after had
resol8ed my issues with the 5hatabur.er. left with a sense that a storm was brewin. here
in Florida, and it mi.ht be wise to take co8er.
was dri8en to my hotel, a Iuaint little place that sat on the pedestrian mail leadin. up
the block to the state capitol buildin.. turned on the *; and watched a replay of the
ele8en o@clock news. B: chief &ader backer says /ush must be stopped, no matter what,C
the anchor said. turned out the li.hts and went to sleep.
awoke at 0:%" :.M. to catch my plane home. : student was waitin. downstairs to
dri8e me to the airport. :s was checkin. out at the counter, the kid yelled, B4o8ernor
/ush Eust walked byAC
BStop himAC shouted3without thinkin., really. GPerhaps it was a refle93whether @m
in *e9as or Florida, when hear the words 4overnor >"sh) ( instincti8ely respond with
a BS*+P HMACH *he kid opened the door and called out, B4o8ernor /ush, there@s someone
who would like to meet youAC /y that time was already out the door. *here, on this
deserted pedestrian mall, which looked like a dark alley in the final minutes before dawn,
were 4o8ernor 7eb /ush and his body.uard, walkin. to work. : black S6; carryin. more
security was creepin. alon. the car,free street, about 2" feet behind the 4o8ernor.
/ush turned to see who was askin. for him, and then saw me standin. there, He .a8e
that /ush smirk, and be.an walkin. back toward me. mo8ed toward him, and the
body.uard went into stand,by,to,beat,the,punk,to,a,pulp mode.
BMr. Moore,C /ush said, shakin. his head like he@d Eust been fed the same plate of
Sloppy7oes for the third day in a row. held out my hand and /ush took it.
B7ust wanted to shake your hand and say hi, 4o8ernor,C said politely. He sIueeKed
ti.htly, not wantin. to let .o until he had said what he had to say. His eyes were like
needles that locked ri.ht on mine. *he body.uard mo8ed closer.
BSo3did they pay you enou.h to come down hereDC he snapped at me pointedly, and
the translation was clear: B'ou suck, Moore.C My mouth went dryJ my heart was beatin. so
hard was worried he could hear it.
B!t@s never enou.h, 4o8ernor, you know that,C replied with the first words could
muster. 5hy did he care who paid me or how muchD *hen it dawned on me3H# paid for
itA &lorida State University5 &o wonder he was pissed: he@d picked up the tab for my
8isit to tell thousands of Floridians3especially &ader 8oters3that beatin. /ush was the
important thin.. *his was &+* what the /ush camp wanted &aderites to be thinkin..
Had he seen the news from the ni.ht beforeD /ush .lared at me and withdrew his hand.
B=e8in with youDC he asked me suddenly. HubD =e8inD 5as this some secret codeword
to alert the body.uard that it was time to -inda /lair my neckD *hen it hit me3he was
askin. about his cousin, =e8in )afferty, the filmmaker who@d helped me out with 2oger
@ Me. ( hadn@t worked with =e8in in twel8e years3why was he askin. me thisD didn@t
know what to say.
B6h, no, he@s not here,C mumbled.
B5ell, .i8e him my best,C he said.
BSure,C responded.
B-ea8in., are youDC he asked.
B'es,C replied. B)i.ht now.C
B4ood.C
He .a8e me that famous /ush smirk a.ain, nodded his head as if to say .ood riddance,
and then turned and left. :s he walked down the deserted alley tried to think of some
witty comeback, but he was already twenty paces ahead of me. *he black S6; rolled down
its windowJ the state trooper inside siKed me up, then slowly dro8e past my feet. *he first
li.ht of day was makin. its way o8er the capitol dome. would not see this place a.ain
until saw it on nonstop tele8ision two weeks later.
#8ery time @8e run into one of the /ush kids it@s been a defeatin., debilitatin.
e9perience. For some reason they always seem to .et the upper hand. 5hen came across
4eor.e 5 in owa and tried to ask him a Iuestion for my *; show, he shouted at me to B.o
find real work.C *he entire crowd in the place roared with lau.hter. didn@t know what to
say3he was ri.ht, this isn@t real workA had no comeback.
*he day ran into &eil /ush, the unindicted co,conspirator in the Sil8erado Sa8in.s R
-oan scandal, was in the lobby of 4eneral Motors in Detroit doin. a radio inter8iew. He
walked throu.h the door with these four :sian .uys3Bbankers from *aiwan,C he later told
me. 5hen he spotted me, he freaked out. was the last person he e9pected to see at 4eneral
Motors.
B5here@s your cameraDC he demanded, his eyes dartin. all o8er the place.
B+h, uh, don@t ha8e a camera with me today,C said sheepishly and re.retfully. : bi.
smile beamed across his face.
B:w, Mikey didn@t brin. his cameraDC He reached out and pinched my cheek. B*oooo
baaaaadAC He walked away lau.hin. and e9plainin. to the Chinese .uys who was and
how he Eust put one o8er on me.
*he only /ush @8e been able to reduce to a pulp, say with shame, is the only .irl3
their sister, Dorothy. She@s sweetJ she@s a mom. :nd she had no idea what to say when
asked her which of her brothers she thou.ht would win the B-et@s See 5ho Can =ill More
nmates on Death )owC race, 4eor.e or 7eb.
She was 8isibly offendedJ in truth, she looked .enuinely hurt by the implication that her
brothers are cold,blooded killers. She looked as if she was .oin. to cry. felt like a Eerk.
5ay to go) Mi!e) yo" finally too! a >"sh do#n5
+f course, there is one other /ush brother, Mar8in3thou.h you wouldn@t know it from
the media. ha8e ne8er met Mar8in. 'ou ha8e ne8er met Mar8in. &o one has e8er met
Mar8in. 4od knows where he is or what he@s up to3other than plannin. how to .et one
o8er on me.
:fter the chillin. encounter with 7eb, boarded my plane to -.:., unable to .et the
episode out of my head. *hen, as was tryin. to open the ba. of honey roasted peanuts, a
bolt of somethin. struck me3and it wasn@t the .uy@s seat three inches in front of me. .ot
on one of those e9pensi8e air phones and called )alph. spoke to the three people who
were runnin. his campai.n, aware there was a.chance the man himself was also listenin.
in.
B4uys,C said. BHas it crossed your mind that the most powerful man in :merica today
is ... 2alph ader;G
Silence on the other end of the phone.
B@m serious. His fi8e percent is .oin. to make the difference. /ush, more than
anythin. else this week, needs )alph to do well in order for him to win. :nd 4ore needs
&ader out of the way in order for him to win. f )alph wasn@t in the race, 4ore would win.
+nly one man can call the shots here, only one candidate has any real say today. :nd that@s
)alph &ader.C
continued. B/ut after &o8ember se8enth, that power is .one. *he power is only .ood
for the ne9t week or so, as 4ore and /ush see all their plans han.in. on the actions of one
man)alph &ader. 5hy not use this position of power for some .oodDC
B5hat did you ha8e in mindDC asked one of them.
B)alph holds 4ore@s future in his hands. 5hat if he were to call 4ore and say, LHey,
you wanna be president, this is what you ha8e to do by noon tomorrow...@ and then .i8e
4ore a laundry list to pick from3uni8ersal health care, an end to the phony dru. war, no
ta9 cuts for the rich3whate8er. )alph asks nothin. for himself3no cabinet position, no
fundin. for his proEects. He Eust wants 4ore to do the ri.ht thin., and if 4ore publicly
commits to doin. so, then )alph .oes on *; and says, B5e@8e made our point. 5e ha8e
helped :l 4ore see the need for 9, y, or K. He@s told the nation he is committed to doin.
that. So ne9t *uesday, if you li8e in one of the swin. states and you@re supportin. me,
want you to 8ote for 4ore. *he rest of you, in the other forty states, still need your 8ote so
that we can build a 8iable third party to keep 4ore@s feet to the fire.@
Bn other words, declare 8ictoryA :fter all, the reason )alph@s runnin. in the first place
3to push the political a.enda more our way3will ha8e been accomplished.
B5hat do you thinkDC
B5e can@t count on .ettin. our fi8e percent unless we .et e8ery 8ote we can in every
state,C the campai.n mana.er responded. B5e can@t .i8e up a sin.le 8ote at this point.C
B/ut, the day after you .et that fi8e percent,C replied, Bthat@s all you@ll ha8e3fi8e
percent of the 8ote, and 9ero percent of the powerA *oday thou.h, you3we3hold all
the power. +ne candidate needs &ader in, the other needs &ader out. *his election is .oin.
to be decided by a percenta.e point or two. )alph holds anywhere from two to fi8e percent.
*oday, ri.ht now, you and )alph .et to say who the ne9t President is .oin. to beA 'ou will
ne8er ha8e this kind of power in your hands a.ain, the rest of your li8es.C
: lon.time &ader collea.ue who was on the call understood what was tryin. to say.
B/ut you@re ne8er .oin. to .et )alph to back down now,C he said. Bt will look like he .a8e
in when thin.s .ot too hot. Plus, the Democrats ha8e treated him with such disrespect,
you@ll ne8er con8ince him that he should help them with anythin..
BPlus,C he continued, B5hat makes you think 4ore would keep his promiseD *hese
people keep no promises.C
B5hat about all these thousands of kids on the campuses who ha8e worked so hardDC
the campai.n mana.er chimed in. B5hat about the tens of thousands who came to the
rallies you and )alph spoke atD 5hat about themD Here@s their first e9perience with
electoral politics3and the candidate they .a8e e8erythin. for Eust throws in the towel near
the end. 'ou can@t do that to them. t will only turn them into cynical adults who won@t
want to .et in8ol8ed in an election a.ain.C
*hat certainly made a lot of sense. *he last thin. wanted to do was to add to the
cynical hordes who@8e .i8en up any interest in 8otin. at all.
B/ut,C offered, Bisn@t there a way we can do this so it is accepted for what it is3a
8ictory for the 4reens, for )alph, for e8eryone who has worked for him, because by .ettin.
4ore to chan.e his positions, we@8e succeeded in a way we ne8er thou.ht possibleD 'ou
know, it@s like that ultraconser8ati8e party in srael that only has, like, fi8e seats in the
=nesset, but their fi8e 8otes are always needed to form a maEority .o8ernment. 5hiche8er
party .i8es them the most of what they want on their a.enda .ets their 8otes. f they Eoin
with the liberals to form the .o8ernment, their ultraconser8ati8e supporters don@t .et mad at
them and accuse them of sellin. out. 7ust the opposite3they@re hailed as heroes because,
althou.h they@re only fi8e 8otes, they .et their way e8ery time.C
5ow, that was profound, said to myself. *eachin. political science at %",""" feetA
BMike,C a 8oice on the phone replied. B:re you okayD *his is not the sraeli =nesset.
'ou@re in the 6nited States. *hat@s not how it works here. )alph will be crucified if he
backs 4ore, and 4ore will be crucified if he chan.es his positions at such a late date. t@s
not .oin. to happen.C
told them understood. reminded them that )alph didn@t ha8e to drop out, Eust throw
the 8ote to 4ore in a few swin. states, that@s all. 4ore would owe him /4 *M# once he
was in the 5hite House. 5e could ha8e our cake and eat it, too.
&o one seemed interested in any cake.
thanked them for listenin. and hun. up from the M!2" call. *hen sank down in my
seat and ordered my first drink e8er on a plane. Somewhere o8er *e9as, fell asleep.
5hat happened on &o8ember <, (""", will now always ha8e its own pa.e in the history
books. &ader was pollin. 0 percent in Florida the day before arri8ed. *he day after left,
it was down to 2 percent. :nd by #lection Day, it had dropped to !.0percent of the 8ote.
/ut that represented 1<,2>> &ader 8otes in Florida. 5ould at least $%> of these 8oters
chan.ed their 8ote if they had known on &o8ember < that their specific 8otes were the
ones that would make the differenceD +f course they would.
@m curious, thou.h, why those upset at &ader ha8e directed none of their an.er toward
the other candidates from the left who also appeared on the Florida presidential ballot3
Da8id Mc)eynolds of the Socialist Party, who .ot 0(( 8otesJ 7ames Harris of the Socialist
5orker Party, who .ot $0( 8otesJ or Monica Moorehead of the 5orkers 5orld Party, who
.ot !,>"2 8otes. Surely there were $%> 8oters amon. that .roup who would ha8e held their
nose and 8oted for 4ore had they known /ush and his cronies were .oin. to swipe the
election.
Personally, that@s who blame3Monica Moorehead. *hat@s the one thin. we learned
from the nineties. t@s always Monica, and Gfor.i8e meH, it@s always more head.
So blame MonicaA Don@t blame )alphA :nd D+&@* /-:M# M#A
+r do blame me. 'es, in fact, if the Democrats are insistin. on .i8in. that much power
to the &aderites, then maybe we should take it. 'es, it was usA 5e did itA 5e are the mi.hty
*hor, all,powerful and all,knowin.. 5e will destroy all in our pathA Chan.e your ways or
we will turn you into ashA t was not we who abandoned the Democratic Party3it was
'+6A 'ou deserted us and all those who once belie8ed Democrats stood for somethin.,
like fi.htin. for the ri.hts of workin. people. /ut you hopped in bed with the )epublicans,
and we had no choice but to follow our conscience and 8ote for )alph &ader. *H:* S
*H# 5:' +F *H+)A
So yes, 5# denied you the 5hite House. 5# tossed your ass out of 5ashin.ton. :nd
5# will do it a.ain. 5e ha8e o8er nine hundred campus 4reen or.aniKations. 5e ha8e a
mailin. list of o8er ("",""" a..ressi8e, acti8e 8olunteers. 5e won twenty,two races around
the country in the (""" election and they Eoined the fifty,three other elected 4reens who
held 8arious offices across the country. Since last &o8ember, the 4reens ha8e won another
si9teen seats, makin. a total of ninety,one 4reens currently holdin. electi8e office in
:merica. Fi8e cities in California are now run by 4reen Party mayors. :nd, most
si.nificantly, the number of :mericans who 8oted for &ader in (""" increased by a
whoppin. $"" percent o8er those who 8oted for him in !110.
*his is a .rowin. mo8ement. :nd it@s not Eust about the 4reen Party. Heck, @m not
e8en a memberA *here are millions of people who ha8e had it with the Democrats and
)epublicans and who want a real choice. *hat@s why a professional wrestler won as
.o8ernor of Minnesota. *hat@s why ;ermont@s only con.ressman is an ndependent Gand
now so is one of its senatorsH. *here will be more ndependents in the comin. yearsJ it can@t
be helped L :ctually, that@s not true. t has been helped3.reatly3by the actionsNinaction of
the Democratic,)epublican Party.
So run for your li8es3@m comin. out of my bunkerA @m sick of Eust Bsur8i8in.,C of
takin. crap from the whiners who will ne8er be there on the front lines for the ha8e,nots,
riskin. arrest, takin. a billyclub to the head, .i8in. a few hours of their time each week to
be citi9ens) the hi.hest honor to hold in a democracy.
want us all to face our fears and stop beha8in. like our .oal in life is to merely
sur8i8e, BSur8i8in.C is for wimps and .ame show contestants stranded in the Eun.le or on a
desert island. 'ou are not stranded. 'ou own the store. *he bad .uys are Eust a bunch of
silly, stupid white men. :nd there@s a hellu8a lot more of us than there are of them. 6se
your power.
'ou deser8e better.
&+*#S :&D S+6)C#S
.hapter 72 3ery 2'erican .oup
*he information about 7eb /ush@s wife and her run,in with 6S Customs is found in
0he 'ill) B4o8. 7eb /ush: Florida )epublican is 'oun.er, *aller, and More Partisan than
4eor.e 5,C Marcia 4elbart, 7uly %", (""".
*he in8esti.ation into the pur.ed 8oter lists was reported in 0he ation) BFlorida@s
LDisappeared ;oters@: Disfranchised by the 4+P,C 4re.ory Palast, February $, (""!I 0he
ation) BHow the 4+P 4amed the System in Florida,C 7ohn -anti.ua, :pril %", (""!J
-os Angeles 0imes) BFlorida &et *oo 5ide in Pur.e of ;oter )olls,C -isa 4etter, May
(!, (""!J and Salon.com, B#liminatin. Fraud3+r DemocratsD,C :nthony 'ork, December
>, ( """.
Problems with blockades at some pollin. locations are discussed in the e# -or!
0imes) BContestin. the ;ote: /lack ;otersJ :rri8in. at Florida ;otin. Places, Some
/lacks Found Frustration,C Mireya &a8arro and Somini Sen.upta, &o8ember %", ("""J and
also in the ?ashington Post) Brre.ularities Cited in Fla. ;otin.J /lacks Say Faulty
Machines, Poll Mistakes Cost *hem *heir /allots,C )obert #. Pierre, December !(, (""".
*he House of )epresentati8es held hearin.s in February on the early callin. of election
results, as reported in the ?ashington Post)
B#lection Co8era.e /urned to a CrispJ House 4rills &etworks@ L/eat the Clock@
:pproach,C Howard =urtK, February !$, (""!.
*he /ush cousin connection is also documented in the :ssociated Press, BFo9
#9ecuti8e Spoke Fi8e *imes with Cousin /ush on #lection &i.ht,C Da8id /auder,
December !(, ("""J and the ?ashington Post) B/ush Cousin Made Florida ;ote Call
for Fo9 &ews,C Howard =urtK, &o8ember !2, (""".
: series of articles in the e# -or! *imes chronicled the countin. of the o8erseas
absentee ballots: BHow /ush *ook Florida: Minin. the +8erseas :bsentee ;ote,C Da8id
/arstow and Don ;an &atta 7r., 7uly !2,!$, (""!J BHow the /allots 5ere #9amined,C 7uly
!$, (""!J BHouse )epublicans Pressed Penta.on for #,Mail :ddresses of Sailors,C C. 7.
Chi8ers, 7uly !$, (""!J B*imely but *ossed ;otes 5ere Slow to 4et to the /allot /o9,C
Michael Cooper 7uly !$, (""!J and B-ieberman Put Democrats in )etreat on Military
;ote,C )ichard -. /erke, 7uly !$, (""!. Followin. the release of these articles, =atherine
Harris allowed inspection of her hard dri8es as reported in the :ssociated Press, BComputer
:nalysts 4ain :ccess to Secretary of State =atherine Harris@ Computers,C Da8id )oyse,
:u.ust !, (""!J and the e# -or! *imes, BFlorida 4i8es Computers in &o8ember
#lection to &ews 4roups for nspection,C Dana Canedy, :u.ust (, (""!.
*he time of the Supreme Court decision can be found in 0he ation) B*he 4od *hat
FailedJ Florida Supreme Court@s )ulin.s on the Presidential #lections,C Herman SchwartK,
7anuary !, (""!J C&& Saturday Mornin. &ews *ranscripts ">:"", December 1, ("""J :/C
&ews Special )eport, (:2< pm, December 1, (""".
7ustice +@Connor@s comments re.ardin. her retirement were reported in e#s#ee!)
B*he *ruth /ehind the Pillars,C #8an *homas and Michael sikoff, December ( $, (""".
nformation re.ardin. the family connections between the Supreme Court and the
:dministration is from the e# -or! *imes, BContestin. the ;ote: Challen.in. a
7ustice,C Christopher MarIuis, December !(, ("""J and the Chica.o 0rib"ne) B7ustice
Scalia@s Son a -awyer in Firm )epresentin. /ush /efore *op Court,C 7ill Uuckman,
&o8ember (1, (""".
Scalia@s statement can be found in the te9t of the decision: Supreme Court of the 6nited
States, &o. "",121 G"":$"2H 4eorge ?. >"sh et al. v. Albert 4ore) :r et al.)
Scalia, 7. concurrin. opinion. $%! 6S\\G("""H. December 1, (""".
*heresa -ePore@s party switchin. is accounted for in the 1rlando S"n<Sentinel)
BDisappointed, -epore lea8es Democrats,C /rad Hahn, May 1, (""!.
+ne of the best o8erall e9aminations on widespread ille.alities and efforts to deny the
ri.ht to 8ote to black citiKens in Florida can be found in the report issued by the 6nited
States Commission of Ci8il )i.hts, B;otin. rre.ularities in Florida Durin. the ("""
Presidential #lection,C 7une >, (""!. t can be found at
www.usccr..o8N8ote("""Nflmain.htm.
Cheney@s history on abortion can be found in the >oston 4lobe) BConser8ati8e *ilt in
Con.ress Mer.ed with a Moderate@s Style,C Michael =ranish, 7uly (0, ("""J and the -os
Angeles 0imes) B5ould 8ote differently on #):, Head Start, not Mandela,C Michael
Finne.an, 7uly % !, ("""J C&&.com, BDick Cheney 8oted conser8ati8e, played moderate,C
7uly (2, (""". Cheney@s defense department e9perience can be found in his official
bio.raphy at www.defenselink.milNspecialsNsecdefNhistoriesNbiosNcheney.htm. Cheney@s
stock in8estments are detailed in Forbes.com, B*op of the &ews: +@&eill to Sell,C Dan
:ckman, March (0, (""!J www.Corpwatch.or. BCheney@s +il n8estments and the Future
of Me9ico@s Democracy,C Martin #spinoKa, :u.ust >, ("""J the Sacramento >ee) B:
4o,)ound on Forei.n Policy )ide,C Molly 8ins, March !!, (""!J 0he 4"ardian) B#yes
5ide Shut: Scruples Fade in Dealin.s with /urma,C 7uly (>, (""". Further in8esti.ation
into sales between Halliburton and raI is from the ?ashington Post) BFirm@s raI
Deals 4reater *han Cheney Has SaidJ :ffiliates Had M<% Million in Contracts,C Colum
-ynch, 7une (%, (""!.
:schroft@s record on abortion is discussed in BContro8ersy on :bortion, Ci8il )i.hts
-iberties,C at :/C&ews.com, B:n :shcroft 7ustice Department,C December (%, (""".
:shcroft 8oted on the #mployment &on,Discrimination :ct S.("$0, 8ote number !110,
(>!, September !", !110J and :schroft@s 8ote on the death penalty appeals bill can be
found at Senate /ill VS.<%$, 8ote number !110,00, :pril !<, !110. :shcroft@s
history with e9ecutions as .o8ernor and his stand on the war on dru.s can be found at
:/C&ews.com, in the article B:n :shcroft 7ustice Department,C December (%, (""".
:schroft@s 8ote on increasin. penalties for dru. offenses was a part of /ill S.0($J 8ote
number !111,%0" on &o8ember !", !111. Molly 8ins writes about :shcroft@s interests in
Claritin in BCabinet Di8ersityDJ Check +ut the /ush *eam@s Corporate -o.os,C February
!(, (""!. His &+ 8ote on includin. prescription dru.s under Medicare is found on /ill
H).201", 8ote number (""",!22, 7une ((, (""".
:nn ;eneman@s back.round is discussed in Molly 8ins, B*he #arly Days of /ushdom
are &ot a Pretty Si.ht,C Molly 8ins, 7anuary (1, (""!J and the e# -or! 0imes)
B*ransition in 5ashin.ton: :.riculture Department,C #liKabeth /ecker, 7anuary !1, (""!.
;eneman@s net worth is detailed in 0he 4"ardian) BHistory@s )ichest Cabinet *akes the
4ilt off /ush@s *a9 Cut,C 7ulian /or.er, February <, (""!.
)umsfeld@s back.round is described in 0he ation) B)umsfeld: Star 5arrior
)eturns,C Michael *. Mare, 7anuary (1, (""!J and (n 0hese 0imes) B*he )ummy,C
7ason ;est, February !1, (""!.
Spencer :braham@s en8ironmental record and history with the department of ener.y are
from 0he ation) B*he *hree Horsemen of the #n8ironmental :pocalypse,C Da8id
Hel8ar., 7anuary !0, (""!J the #n8ironmental &ews &etwork, B#ner.y Secretary &ominee
*ried *o :bolish *he #ner.y Department,C 7anuary >,(""!J and www.alternet.or., B5ho@s
5ho in the /ush Cabinet,C 4eo8 Parrish, 7anuary !0, ( "" !.
*ommy *hompson@s abortion record as .o8ernor can be found in www.altemet.or.
B5ho@s 5ho in the /ush Cabinet,C 4eo8 Parrish, 7anuary !0, ( "" !J and his links to Philip
Morris are described in another :lter&et article, B/ush@s 5ar on Children,C 7onathan )owe
and 4ary )uskin, 7uly %, (""!.
4ale &orton@s back.round is detailed in the e# -or! 0imes) BFar, Far From the
Center,C /ob Herbert, 7anuary >, (""!J and the e# -or! 0imes) B&orton )ecord +ften
at +dds 5ith -aws She 5ould #nforce,C Dou.las 7ehl, 7anuary !%, (""!. C.). /ard@s court
troubles are detailed in P) &ewswire, BC.). /ard, nc. #9ecuti8es Sentenced to #i.hteen
Month Federal Prison *erms,C :u.ust >, !110.
Colin Powell@s relationship with :+-N*ime 5arner is discussed in the :ssociated
Press, BStocks, Speeches :dd to Powell 5ealth,C 4re. *oppo, 7anuary !<, (""!J and 0he
&inancial 0imes) B*he :mericas: :ll the 6.S. President@s ;ery )ich Men,C Peter
Spie.el, March >, (""!J Paul +@&eill@s Stock Holdin.s :re Detailed, 0he ation) B*he
Man from :lcoa,C 5illiam 4reider, 7uly !0, (""!J and the 'o"ston Chronicle) B:lcoa
Strikes Curious 5ater Deal with San :ntonio,C &ate /lakeslee, September %, !111.
=arl )o8e@s industry connections are reported in the e# -or! 0imes) B/ush :ide
5ith ntel Stock Met with #9ecuti8es Pushin. Mer.er,C 7une !2, (""!J and Abilene
2eporter<e#s) BMauro )aises Fuestions :bout /ush@s :ides -ink to *obacco
ndustry,C :u.ust %!, !11<.
*he information about =enneth -ay comes from the e# -or! 0imes) BPower
*rader *ied to /ush Finds 5ashin.ton :ll #ars,C -owell /er.man and 7eff 4erth, May ( $,
(""!.
:dditional information about the members of the coup comes from the Center for
)esponsible Politics and www.issues.or..
.hapter 278ear :eor)e
For information on the /ush Family fortune and its ties to &aKi 4ermany, check out the
>oston 4lobe) B:n :merican DynastyC GPart (H, Michael =ranish, :pril (%, (""!J
Sarasota 'erald<0rib"ne) B:uthor -inks /ush Family to &aKis,C &o8ember !(, ("""J
the :e#ish Advocate) B*he /ush Family3*hird )eich Connection: Fact or FictionD,C
Susie Da8idson, :pril !1, ( "" !.
nformation on the indi8idual contributions to the 4+P durin. election cycle (""" can
be found at the e# -or! 0imes) B*he )epublicans: *he Few, the )ich, the )ewarded
Donate the /ulk of 4+P 4ifts,C Don ;an &atta 7r. and 7ohn M. /roder, :u.ust (, ("""J
and *he Center for )esponsi8e Politics, www.opensecrets.or.
'ou can keep track of what /ush did and does durin. his administration by readin.
Molly 8ins@s column syndicated by Creators Syndicate Gan archi8e can be found at
www.sacbee.comN8oicesNnationalNi8in or by checkin. out the followin. 5eb sites:
www.smirkin.chimp.com and www.bushwatch.com.
*he account about /ush@s fa8orite book can be found in the Ari9ona 2ep"blic)
B@Hun.ry Caterpillar@ : Fa8orite with /ush,C +ctober !<, !111. 4eor.e /ush .raduated
from 'ale in !10>. #ric Carle@s B*he ;ery Hun.ry CaterpillarC was published in !101. *he
:ssociated Press ran a story, B/ush@s :lle.ed 4rades Published,C by /ri.itte 4reenber.,
&o8ember 1, !111, that featured his transcripts. nformation about /ush@s readin. habits
comes from the ?ashington Post) BShades of 4ray MatterJ *he Fuestion Do.s 4eor.e
5. /ush: s He Smart #nou.hD,C =e8in Merida, 7anuary !1, ("""J and the e# -or!
0imes) B/ush s Pro8idin. Corporate Model for 5hite House,C )ichard -. /erke, March
!!, (""!.
/ush@s drinkin. and D6 past were found in the ?ashington Post) B!1>0: : -ife,
Chan.in. 'ear: #piphany Fueled Candidate@s Climb,C -ois )omano and 4eor.e -ardner
7r., 7uly ( $, !111J :ssociated Press, B/ush Pleaded 4uilty to D6,C &o8ember (, ("""J
Dick Cheney@s D6 char.es are mentioned in www.Salon.com, B/ush Stays in the Clear3
For &ow,C 7ake *apper, &o8ember 2, (""". n addition to co8erin. his D6 arrest, 0ime)
BFallout from a Midni.ht )ide,C :dam Cohen, &o8ember !%, (""", includes information
on /ush@s earlier encounters with the law.
*he -aura /ush car accident details are discussed in 6S: *oday, B-aura 5elch /ush:
Shy &o More,C 7ohn Hanchette, 4annett &ews Ser8ice, 7une (%, ("""J and the Plain
.ealer) B)eser8ed *e9as First -ady is Primed for &ational State,C 7ulie /onnin, 7uly %!,
(""".
4eor.e /ush@s response to the Iuestion of whether or not he used dru.s is found in the
?ashington Post) B/ush 4oes Further on Fuestion of Dru.sJ He Says He Hasn@t 6sed
:ny in the Past ($ 'ears,C Dan /alK, :u.ust (", !111.
*he >oston 4lobe traces /ush@s e9perience in the &ational 4uard in B!,'ear 4ap in
/ush@s 4uard Duty: &o )ecord of :irman at Drills in !1<(,!1<%,C 5alter ;. )obinson,
May (%, (""". 7ames /aker@s alle.ed comments were reported by conser8ati8e columnist
5illiam Safire in !11(, and fallout from the remarks is found in the :ssociated Press,
B)eport of /aker )emark Draws re in srael,C March >, !11(J and the S"nday
0elegraph) B7ewish /acklash Could Cost the President Dear,C ?an Smiley, September (<,
!11(.
.hapter 378o* Wo* Wo*
f you were as shocked as was that your pilot may be on food stamps, here@s where
you can .et the facts on that3and more: Aviation ?ee! @ Space 0echnology) B+ld
;alues Clash in Comair Strike,B7ames +tt, :pril (, (""!J Cincinnati *n%"irer) B=ey
ssues in the Strike,C March (<, (""!J e# -or! 0imes) BSmall 7ets@ /i. Stake in a
Strike,C Da8id -eonhardt, 7une !0, (""!J Star<0elegram) B:merican #a.le Pilots )eEect
Contract,C Dan )eed, :u.ust !<, ("""J :ssociated Press, B#9press Pilots ;ow to Strike as
*hey Head /ack to /ar.ainin. *able,C Pauline :rrilla.a, 7une (>, !11>J :ssociated Press,
BContinental #9press Pilots Start nformational Picketin.,C M.). =ropko, +ctober !2,!11>J
1rlando Sentinel) BHi.h,Flyin. Eob Doesn@t Make /i. /ucks,C )o.er )oy, March !0,
!11<J Philadelphia .aily e#s) 8US :irways :ttendants )ehearse Strike Mo8ements
in Philadelphia,C March (2, ("""J Chicago .aily 'erald) B:irline 5orried :bout
Sprin. *ra8el as Fli.ht :ttendants *hreaten Strike,C )obert McCoppin, 7anuary (", (""!J
&P)NMornin. #dition transcripts: BHoliday :irline *ra8elers May #9perience Fli.ht
Problems Due to Full Fli.hts and -abor Problems /etween 5orkers and :irlines,C
&o8ember (!, (""".
Statistics on personal and corporate wealth come from :ssociated Press, Bncome of the
)ichest 6p !$<Z,C :lan Fram, May %!, (""!J and the nstitute for Policy Studies )eport:
B*op ("": *he )ise of Corporate 4lobal Power,C Sarah :nderson and 7ohn Ca8ana.h,
December ( """.
nformation re.ardin. corporate ta9es can be found in 0he Cheating of America)
Charles -ewis and /ill :llison and the Center for Public nte.rity GHarperCollinsH, (""!,
pp. !!,!%, !$, <1, >(,>%.
.hapter 47@i;; Whitey
Many of the statistics about the economic and social state of :frican :mericans in this
country can be found in a report by the Council of #conomic :d8isers for the President@s
nitiati8e on )ace, BChan.in. :merica: ndicators of Social and #conomic 5ell,/ein. by
)ace and Hispanic +ri.in,C September !11>.
nformation on the disparity in health care is found in the followin. articles: the e#
-or! 0imes) B/lacks Found on Short #nd of Heart :ttack Procedure,C Sheryl 4ay
Stolber., May !", (""!J the :ssociated Press, B)ace /ias in Stroke *reatment Found,C
Melissa 5illiams, May 2, (""!J and the Daily e#s) B/lack Maternal Deaths 2 *imes the
5hite )ate,C -eslie Casimir, 7une >, (""!.
*he statistic about the use of .uns in the home to shoot an intruder comes from *he
/rady Campai.n to Pre8ent 4un ;iolence, B4uns in the HomeC fact sheet.
.hapter 57%diot Nation
-iteracy fi.ures come from the Dept. of #ducation &ational :dult -iteracy Sur8eyJ
-iteracy ;olunteers of :merica.
/ush@s .affe is detailed in the e# -or! 0imes) BDeep 6.S.,#urope Split Casts
-on. Shadow on /ush *our,C Frank /runi, 7une !$, (""!.
*he contents of his commencement address at 'ale are described in the :ssociated
Press, B4eor.e 5. /ush commencement address at 'ale 6ni8ersity,C May (!, (""!.
Pre8ious incidents of .o8ernment officials@ lack of knowled.e came from the St.
Petersb"rg 0imes) BPolitics is &othin. &ew in Choosin. :mbassadors.C 7uly ( !, !1>1J
0he *conomist) B:mbassadorsJ 5hat Price MonacoD,C March 2, !1>1J the :ssociated
Press, B#uropean Press Has Fun with Clark Performance,C 7eff /radley, February 2, !1>!.
:ccounts of /ush@s lack of knowled.e of the capitals of maEor countries were reported
in Salon.com, B/riefs or &o /riefsD,C 7ake *apper, :pril (0,(""!.
*he .es Moines 2egister reported on the basic history test that top colle.e students
failed in B:merica@s /est R /ri.htest :re Clueless :bout +ur History,C Donald =aul, 7uly
<, (""". t was also featured in University ?ire G6;aH, B#ducation without
=nowled.e,C /ryan Ma9well, 7uly !%, (""".
Statistics about uni8ersity class offerin.s came from the Pittsb"rgh Post<4a9ette)
B*he Sellin. +ut of Hi.her #ducation,C Samuel HaKo,
September %, ("""J and e# -or! 0imes) BMuch :do3'awn3:bout 4reat
/ooks,C #mily #akin, :pril >, (""!.
&e.ati8e Iuotes about teachers come from the e# -or! 0imes) B#ducation Panel
Sees Deep Flaws in *rainin. of &ation@s *eachers,C Peter :pplebome, September !%, !110J
the e# -or! Post) B*he *eacher,Pay MythC GeditorialH, December (0, ("""J
(nvestor7s >"siness .aily) B5hy /ad *eachers Can@t /e Fired,C Michael Chapman,
September (!, !11>J Dou.las Carmine, Iuoted in the Montreal 4a9ette) B/rin. /ack
the /asics,C /randon 6ditsky, 7anuary 0, (""!J ational 2evie#) BFirin. +ffenses,C
Peter SchweiKer, :u.ust !<, !11>.
*he story about hirin. teachers from abroad: e# -or! 0imes) BFacin. a *eacher
Shorta.e, :merican Schools -ook +8erseas,C =e8in Sack, May !1, (""!. *eacher
shorta.es in &ew 'ork are from the e# -or! 0imes) B*eacher Pact Still Far +ff,C
Ste8en 4reenhouse, 7une $, (""!J e# -or! 0imes) B&ation@s Schools Stru..lin. to
Find #nou.h Principals,C 7acIues Steinber., September %, ("""J e# -or! 0imes)
BSur8ey Shows More *eachers :re -ea8in. for 7obs in Suburban Schools, :bby
4oodnou.h, :pril !%, (""!. School facility information comes from the Department of
#ducation, &ational Center for #ducation Statistics, Conditions of Public School Facilities.
*he ?ashington Post) B(0 DC Schools Cleared,C Debbi 5il.oren, September !(, !11<J
and B:n.ry 7ud.e Closes 2 More DC Schools,C ;alerie Strauss, +ctober ($, !11<. *he
Eanitor shorta.e was reported in the e# -or! 0imes) B7anitorial )ules -ea8e *eachers
Holdin. a Mop,C Shaila Dewan, May (>, (""!.
nformation about /ush@s library ta9 cut comes from the .allas Morning e#s)
B-ibraries 5ant to Shel8e /ush@s Proposed Cuts,C :pril !%, (""!. 7onathan =oKol@s
discussion of the state of school libraries, B:n 6neIual #ducation,C was featured in the
School 3ibrary :o"rnal. :dditional information on school libraries and )ichard
&i9on@s connection to them can be found in the Christian Science Monitor) B#8en in
nformation,)ich :.e, School -ibraries Stru..le,C MarEorie Coeyman, February 0, (""!J
and *d"cation ?ee!) B#ra of &e.lect in #8idence at -ibraries,C by =athleen =ennedy
ManKo, December !, !111.
Sources for the answers to the pop IuiK: :nnual salary3Source: 6.S. ;ital Statistics,
*able V0103/ureau of -abor StatisticsJ 1!! response 3adies 'ome Ho"rnal) B/efore
'ou Call 1!!: s this emer.ency number the lifesa8er it should beD,C Paula -yons, May
!11$J #9tinction count:ssociated Press, B!!,""" Species Said to Face #9tinction with Pace
Fuickenin.,C September (1, ("""J +Kone hole siKe3the Christian Science Monitor)
B+Kone 5oes Down /elow,C Colin 5oodward, December !!, !11>J Detroit 8s. :frica:
Detroit ] !1.2Z G!11lH3:nnie #. Casey Foundation, B=ids CountC )eport, :pril ($, ("""J
-ibya ] !1Z, Mauritius ] !1Z, and Seychelles ] !% Z36&C#FJ &ewspaper 4uildJ
7ustice Policy nstitute, BSchool House Hype: School Shootin.s and the )eal )isks =ids
Face in :merica,C #liKabeth Donohue, ;incent Schiraldi, and 7ason Uiedenber., !111.
Much of the information about corporate presence in schools comes from the Center for
the :nalysis of Commercialism in #ducation, *hird :nnual )eport on *rends in
Schoolhouse Commercialism, September !2, (""". :dditional material comes from the
:ssociated Press, BMarketin. to Free,Spendin. *eens 4ets Sa88ier,C by Da8e Carpenter,
&o8ember (", ("""J B*he Commercial *ransformation of :merican Public #ducation,C
!111 Phil Smith -ecture by Professor :le9 Molnar, +ctober !$, !111J Mother:ones)
B*he &ew G:nd mpro8edAH School,C SeptN+ct. !11>J Mother :ones) BSchoolhouse
)ot,C )onnie Cohen, 7anuary !", (""!J &ew -or! 0imes) BFi8e,Shift -unches to #ndD,C
)ichard 5eir, May !<, !11>J Atlanta<:o"rnal Constit"tion) BCoca,Cola -earns a
-esson in Schools,C by Henry 6n.er and Peralte Paul, March !2, (""!J 0he ation)
BStudents For Sale: How Corporations :re /uyin. *heir 5ay into :merica@s Classrooms,C
Ste8e Mannin., September (<, !111J the ?ashington Post) BPepsi Prank FiKKles on
LCoke Day,B@ by Frank Swoboda, the ?ashington Post) March (0, !11>.
*he threatenin. kid profile came from B)isk Factors for School ;iolence,C Federal
/ureau of n8esti.ation Study of School Shootin.s, September (""".
.hapter $F Nice 4;anet, No-ody 0o'e
Pepsi recyclin. information comes from BDumpin. Pepsi@s Plastic,C :nn -eonard, !112
Garticle appears at www.essential.or.H and telephone inter8iew with the authorJ Sword of
0r"th) Bndia: Dumpin. 4round of the MillenniumDC =eerthi )eddy, 7anuary !%, (""!.
*he story about Con.ressional recyclin. was featured in the :ssociated Press, B*e9as
Con.ressman, #n8ironmental 4roups *ar.et House )ecyclin.,C SuKanne 4amboa,
September (", (""".
:ir pollution rates were calculated with information from the #n8ironmental &ews
&etwork, B:ir Pollution =ills, /ut Deaths Can /e Pre8ented,C :u.ust %", !111J and the
:merican -un. :ssociation, B:merican -un. :ssociation Fact Sheet: +utdoor :ir
Pollution,C :u.ust (""" update.
nformation on .as milea.e capabilities can be found in A"tomotive e#s)
BChrysler: C:F# Hike Possible,C :rthur Fla9, May >,!1>1J A"tomotive e#s) BMore
HorsepowerA,C Charles Child, 7une (2, !11$J and the ?ashington Post) B*he
)e.ulatorsJ /attlin. to )aise the /ar on Fuel Standards,C Cindy Skrycki, May !0, ( """.
How much S6;s consume is from Sacramento >ee) BScary *alk from Shrub and the
;eeper,C Molly 8ins, May %, (""!. :nd the amount drillin. in the :&5) would produce
is Iuoted from the e# -or! 0imes) BCheney Promotes ncreasin. Supply :s #ner.y
Policy,C 7oseph =ahn, May !, (""!.
Despite pressure from en8ironmental .roups to 8eto a transportation bill that protected
the S6; loophole, Clinton si.ned it anyway, as reported in the San &rancisco
Chronicle) BProtectin. Mother #arth and 4as 4uKKlers,C Debra 7. Saunders, December
!2, !111.
*he study on .lobal warmin. was reported in the e# 'ork *imes, BPanel *ells /ush
4lobal 5armin. is 4ettin. 5orse,C by =atharine Seelye and :ndrew )e8kin, 7une <, (""!J
and 6S: 0oday) BClimate Chan.e )eport Puts /ush on Spot,C *racy 5atson and 7udy
=een, 7une ( ", (""!.
*he e# -or! 0imes articles referred to are: B:.es,+ld cecap at &orth Pole is
&ow -iIuid, Scientists Find,C 7ohn &oble 5ilford, :u.ust !1, (""", and a correction
published on :u.ust (1J the asteroid
article was B:steroid is #9pected to Make a Pass Close to #arth in ("(>,BMalcolm5.
/rowne, March !(,!11>, and BDebate and )ecalculation on an :steroid@s Pro.ress,C
Malcolm 5. /rowne, March !%, !11>.
Sacramento >ee) B:merica isn@t mmune to :nimal Diseases,C Deborah S. )o.ers,
March %", (""!3based on a !1>1 study by the 6ni8ersity of Pittsbur.h that states that $Z
of deceased :lKheimer@s patients could ha8e instead suffered from C7D.
.hapter #7/he End of Men
5here we stand with the women@s mo8ement: *he only woman on the ballot of a maEor
party was 4eraldine Ferraro, who ran for ;ice President with 5alter Mondale in !1>2. *he
fi8e women .o8ernors are: 7ane Dee Hull G:UH, )uth :nn Minner GD#H, 7ane Swift GM:H,
7udy MartK GM*H, and 7eanne Shaneen G&HH G&ational 4o8ernors :ssociationH. :ccordin.
to the Center for :merican 5omen and Politics, there are !% women Senators and 0"
female members of the House of )epresentati8es Gas of 7uly (0, (""!H. *he four Fortune
$"" companies which ha8e women C#+s are Hewlett,Packard GCarly FiorinaH, :8on
Products G:ndrea 7un.H, 4olden 5est Financial Corporation GMarion ". SandlerH and
Spherion Corporation GCinda :. HallmanH. *he top (! uni8ersities Gaccordin. to 6.S.
e#s @ ?orld 2eport (""! Colle.e )ankin.sH with women presidents are: Princeton
6ni8ersity GShirley *il.hmanH, 6ni8ersity of Pennsyl8ania GDr. 7udith )odinH, Duke
6ni8ersity G&an =eohaneH, and /rown 6ni8ersity G)uth Simmons3who is also the first
:frican,:merican president of an 8y -ea.ue institutionH.
Statistics on the po8erty rate of di8orced women come from the Society for
:d8ancement of #ducation, BCount the Costs /efore 'ou Split,C :pril !11>.
#Iual Pay Day was Lcelebrated@ in ( ""! on :pril %, the same day the 6S Department
of -abor released a report that measured the wa.e .ap, the Chicago S"n<0imes)
B5omen Still #arn -ess *han Men,C Francine =nowleds, :pril %, (""!.
Men@s and women@s health comparisons come from 0he *conomist) B:re Men
&ecessaryD *he Male Dodo,C December (%, !11$J www.msnbc.com
BMen May /e the 5eaker Se9,C -inda Carroll, 7anuary !0, (""!J and &ational nstitute
of Mental Health, B*he &umbers Count: Mental Disorders in :mericaBNHoyert D-,
=ochanek =D, Murphy S-J final data for !11<.
.hapter "7We&re Nu'-er OneI
*he 5orld Health +r.aniKation of the 6nited &ations estimates that there are ! billion
people in the world without access to clean drinkin. water. 6sin. cost estimates of M$" per
person Gfrom the 5orld 4ame nstitute, www.world.ame.or. the total cost of pro8idin.
clean water would be M$" billion. Since the )ea.an administration, we ha8e spent M0"
billion on the insane Star 5ars proEect. +8er the ne9t !$ years it is proEected that we will
spend another M$" to M0" billion, accordin. to the Con.ressional /ud.et +ffice. 5e also
.i8e upwards of M!"" billion a year in corporate welfare. n other words, the entire planet
could ha8e clean water tomorrow if our priorities were different. *he Center for Defense
nformation has estimated that the total cost of the national missile defense system
Gincludin. past e9penditures and conser8ati8e estimates of future e9pendituresH will be
appro9imately M("" billion. Center for Defense nformation, B*he Costs of /allistic
Missile Defense,C Christopher Hellman.
#stimates for those without ener.y come from *he 5orld /ank in its report BMeetin.
the Challen.e: Mural #ner.y and De8elopment for *wo /illion People )eport,C (""". *he
number of people without phone ser8ice is from nternet pioneer Dr. ;inton Cerf in a
speech at the Creatin. Di.ital Di8idends conference in Seattle, +ctober !<, (""".
nformation about the F'(""! Penta.on bud.et comes from the Council for a -i8able
5orld, BFiscal 'ear (""! Military /ud.et at a 4lance,C www.clw.or. Colle.e tuition
fi.ures are calculated from the 6S ;ital Statistics36S Census /ureau Population )eport
*able V(2< and the 6S &ational Center for #ducation Statistics, Di.est of #ducation
Statistics, V%!!.
Sources for B5e@re &umber +neAC lists: Children@s Defense Fund, B*he State of
:merica@s Children 'earbook ("""CJ 6& Human De8elopment )eport ("""J 6.S. ;ital
Statistics, *ables V!%$0, !%0!, !%1", !%1>J #ner.y nformation :dministration, B+fficial
#ner.y Statistics from the 6S 4o8ernmentBJ :mnesty nternational Facts and Fi.ures on
the Death Penalty, 0N!N"!J Patrick Moynihan, BFamily and &ation,C !1>0, p. 10.
)ead more about =im 7on. l@s e9ploits in 0ime Asia) B=im 7on. l: :sian of the
'ear,C :nthony Spaeth, December ($, ("""J 7o"rnal of (nternationalAflairs, B*he
=im is DeadA -on. -i8e the =imA,C 6.S. e#s @ ?orld 2eport) B: &ot,So,=ooky
=ind of 4uy,C *homas +mestad and 5arren P. Strobel, &o8ember 0, ("""J the &ew
2ep"blic) B&orth =orea +pens 6p,C by Peter Maass, 7une !(, ("""J Sprin. (""!J
:ssociated Press, B&orth =orea@s Monster Mo8ie Flops in South =orean *heaters,C 7uly
(>, ("""J )euters, BSouth =orea Media Chiefs to Meet &orth@s =im 7on. l,C :u.ust 0,
("""J www.C&&.com, Bn,Depth Specials: =im 7on. l: LDear -eader@ or demonDC
.hapter !7One Bi) 0appy 4rison
)eports of 7ohn :dams@s death were co8ered in the 0ennessean newspaper, +ctober,
(""". nformation about =och ndustries came from the Corp"s Christi Caller<0imes)
BFederal Char.es :.ainst =och ndustries Cut to &ine,C Michael Hines, 7anuary !(, (""!J
:ssociated Press, B4o8ernment@s Case :.ainst =och ndustries Shrinks :.ain,C March !>,
(""!J :ssociated Press, B*e9as Pipeline Company to Pay M(" million fine,C SuKanne
4amboa, :pril 1, (""!J the ?ashington Post) 81il company :.rees to Pay M(" Million
in FinesJ =och :lle.edly Hid )eleases of /enKene,C Dan #..en, :pril !", (""!J 'o"ston
Chronicle) B=och Slapped with /i. PenaltyJ 4uilty of Pollution ;iolation,C 7ames
Pinkerton, :pril !", (""!J &ort ?orth Star<0elegram) B+il Company Settles
Char.es,C &eil Strassman, :pril !", (""!.
nformation about :nthony -emar *aylor@s story comes from the followin. articles: the
1range Co"nty 2egister) BDM; Can@t Catch *i.er by His D,C =imberly =indy,
December (", ("""J Sacramento
>ee) B5oods D *hief 4ets ("",to,-ife,C )amon Coronado, :pril (>, (""!.
*he =erry Sanders case was documented in a e# -or! 0imes article, BMy &ame is
&ot )obert,C /enEamin 5eiser, :u.ust 0, (""".
*he students at Medill School of 7ournalism at &orthwestern 6ni8ersity, led by
Professor Da8id Protess, continue to in8esti.ate death penalty cases and were featured in
the 7une (!, (""!, episode of C/S@s 2> Hours.
*he study of error rates in death penalty cases is B: /roken System: #rror )ates in
Capital Cases, !1<%,!11$,C 7ames S. -iebman, 7effrey Fa.an, and ;alerie 5est, 7une !(,
("""J and was reported in the e# -or! 0imes) BDeath Sentences /ein. +8erturned in
( of % :ppeals,C Fo9 /utterfield, 7une !(, (""".
*he Death Penalty nformation Center compiled statistics and information on the
6nited States use of the death penalty on Eu8eniles and the mentally retarded.
Polls measurin. public support of the death penalty are published in the ?ashington
Post) BSupport for Death Penalty #asesJ Mc;ei.h@s #9ecution :ppro8ed, 5hile Principle
Splits Public,C )ichard Morin, Claudia Deane, May %, (""!J and the 'o"ston
Chronicle= BHarris County s a Pipeline to Death )ow,C :llan *urner, February 2,
BComplicationJ D&:, )etardation Problems for Death Penalty,C by the Chronicle staff,
February 0, B: Deadly Distinction,C Mike *olson, February <, (""!
.hapter 078e'ocrats, 8O2
For more information about Clinton@s history on faith,based charitable or.aniKations:
e# -or! 0imes) BFilter :id to Poor *hrou.h Churches, /ush 6r.es,C :dam Clymer,
7uly (%, !111. +n federal crimes and the death penalty: /ill Clinton, >et#een 'ope and
'istory G)andom HouseH, !110, p. >"., +n .ay marria.es: ?ashington Post) BClinton
:d *outin. Defense of Marria.e is Pulled,C Howard =urtK, +ctober !<, !110J and
?ashington Post) B:d on Christian )adio *outs Clinton@s Stands,C Howard =urtK,
+ctober !$, !110. +n welfare: e# -or! 0imes) B: 5ar on Po8erty Subtly -inked to
)ace,C 7ason DeParle and Ste8en :.
Holmes, December (0, ( """. +n teen,a.e parents and welfare and adoption ta9 credit:
Minnesota .aily) BClinton@s 5afflin. )eaches &ew -e8els,C May <, !110. +n capital
.ains ta9es: )epublican &ational Committee news release, BStatement by )&C Chairman
7im &icholson on the *a9 )elief and /alanced /ud.et :.reement,C 7uly %!, !11<. +n the
death penalty: e# -or! 0imes) BChar.es of /ias Challen.e 6.S. Death Penalty,C
)aymond /onner, 7une (2, ("""J and e# -or! 0imes) BClinton s 6r.ed to Declare a
Moratorium on Federal #9ecutions,C )aymond /onner, &o8ember (", (""". +n new police
and three strikes law: Clinton, >et#een 'ope and 'istory) p. <$,>!. +n rates of the
uninsured: the e# -or! 0imes) B: 5ar on Po8erty Subtly -inked to )ace,C 7ason
DeParle and Ste8en :. Holmes, December (0, (""". +n insurance to ille.al immi.rants:
0ime) BClinton@s Plan: D+:D,C Michael Duffy, February !2, !112J and the 1rlando
Sentinel) B)efusin. a Helpin. Hand,C 5endy Uimmerman and Michael Fi9, September
(", !11>. Clinton on late,term abortions, San &rancisco Chronicle) BClinton Messa.e
on Christian )adio /ack to Haunt Him,C Marc Sandalow, +ctober !1, !110J and the e#
-or! 0imes) BDeal on 6& Dues /reaks an mpasse and Draws Critics,C #ric Schmitt,
&o8ember !0, !111. +n the -and Mine /an *reaty: >oston 4lobe) B6S Should Si.n
*reaty /annin. -and Mines,C Susannah Sirkin and 4ina Coplon,&ewfield, :u.ust !!,
(""". +n the =yoto a.reement: e# 'ork *imes, B*reaty *alks Fail to Find Consensus in
4lobal 5armin.,C :ndrew )e8kin, &o8ember (0, (""". +n drillin. on federal lands: 0he
ation) B*eapot Dome, Part !!: *he )ush for :laskan +il,C 7effery St. Clair and
:le9ander Cockburn, :pril <, !11<J and 0he ation) B:l 4ore@s *eapot DomeJ
+ccidental Petroleum :cIuires -ar.e Portion of #lk Hills,C :le9ander Cockburn, 7uly !<,
(""". +n fuel efficiency standards: e# -or! 0imes) B*he #ner.y Plan: *he
Standards,C =eith /radsher, May !>, (""!. +n acti8ity on the =yoto :.reement ri.ht
before the election: the 4"ardian) BSinkin. Feelin.s: Climate chan.e is one of the
.reatest threats to life as we know it,C Paul /rown, +ctober !!, (""".
)epublican support for re8isin. the arsenic standards was reported in the e# -or!
0imes) BHouse Demandin. Strict 4uidelines on :rsenic -e8els,C Dou.las 7ehl, 7uly (>,
(""!. nformation about the federal fundin. of faith,based or.aniKations is from die
Christian Science Monitor) B5ar +n Po8erty #nlists Churches,C 4ail )ussell
Chaddock, 7une 1C)2000.
Sources for policies on o8erseas fundin. for abortions are the e# 'ork *imes, B/ush
:cts to Halt +8erseas Spendin. *ied to :bortion,C Frank /runi and Marc -acey, 7anuary
2,) 2001I and the e# -or! *imes, BDeal on 6& Dues breaks an mpasse and Draws
Critics,C #ric Schmitt, &o8ember 1B) 1CCC.
Statistics about the a8ailability of abortion doctors come from Planned
ParenthoodNFamily Plannin. Perspecti8es, BFactors Hinderin. :ccess to :bortion
Ser8ices,C Stanley =. Henshaw, 2DK2L) +N<+C @ AD.
*he tally for passa.e of the /ankruptcy )eform /ill in the Senate: ;ote Summary, ;ote
&umber ,B) S.N20) passed ,M1+M01. '#:S: A,) &:'s: 1+) Present: !, &ot ;otin.: !
G/arbara /o9er, C:, did not 8oteH.
nformation about Clinton@s last,minute e9ecuti8e orders and re.ulations comes from:
?ashington Post) B)acin. the Clock 5ith &ew )e.ulations,C Dan Mor.an and :my
4oldstein, 7anuary 20) 2001) ?ashington Post) BClinton@s -ast )e.ulatory )ush,C
Dan Mor.an, December B) 2000I USA 0oday) B:rsenic Fouls )e8iew of &ew )ules,C
7onathan 5eisman and Mimi Hall, :pril 20) 2001I ?ashington Post) B@Midni.ht
)e.ulations@ Swell )e.ister,C Cindy Skrycki, 7anuary 2,) 2001I #n8ironmental
Protection :.ency, BFurther )e8isions to the Clean 5ater :ct )e.ulatory Definition of
LDischar.e of Dred.ed Material,B@ :pril 1D) 2001.
.hapter 7/he 4eop;e&s 4rayer
:nti,abortion politicians who are now in support of stem cell research are discussed in
the ?ashington Post) BConser8ati8e Pressure for Stem Cell Funds /uildsJ =ey :nti,
abortionists 7oin Push for #mbryo )esearch,C Ceci Connolly, 7uly 2) 2001I San
&rancisco Chronicle) BStem Cell Debate Creates +dd :lliancesJ Some Conser8ati8es
/reak )anks with the )eli.ious )i.ht,C Marc Sandalow, 7uly 22) 2001I Associated
Press) B*hurmond /acks Stem Cell )esearch,C 7une ,0) 2001. Cheney@s earlier history
on .ay le.islation is chronicled in the >adger 'erald) B4ay )epublicans -eft +ut in the
Cold,C Chris McCall, &o8ember (, (""".
Epi;o)ue7/a;;ahassee 0iE0o
Maria Cantwell recei8ed !,!11,2%< of the 8otes while her opponent, Slade 4orton,
recei8ed !,!1<,(">. &ader recei8ed a relati8ely stron. 2Z of the 8ote, or !"%,""( 8otes. t
can be safely assumed that many of those !"",""" &aderites also supported Cantwell as
opposed to the )epublican or -ibertarian challen.er Gwho recei8ed only (.0%Z of the 8oteH.
#lection results are from the 5ashin.ton State 4eneral #lection Final )eport.
Molly 8ins@ article, BSwin.,State Pro.ressi8es +u.ht to *hink /ack to L0>,C was
published on &o8ember !, (""". *he 8ote counts for all of the candidates are officially
certified results from the Florida Department of State. 4reen Party standin.s come from the
4reen Party of California and &ader ("""N(""2.
2@NOW>E8:MEN/S
@D -=# *+ acknowled.e, first and foremost, those of you who ha8e read this book.
hope you had a few .ood lau.hs. hope it has inspired you to .o and raise a ruckus. 'ou
are the only ones who are .oin. to chan.e thin.s. Promise me that you won@t Eust put this
book down and .o back to playin. solitaire on your computer or checkin. your #,mail for
the tenth time today. @8e checked mine two doKen times today already3and it@s only noon.
@m not .ettin. a damn thin. done.
&e9t, @d like to acknowled.e those of you who bou.ht .o#nsiKe *his and made my
first book a bestseller. *hat allowed this one to .et published. only .et this platform if the
beast .ets fed. &o one is publishin. my book because they think it@s a .ood idea to kill
whitey or call the president the Bpresident.C f this book does well, you will hear from me
a.ain. f not, there@s always somethin. interestin. to watch on &ick at &i.ht.
also want to thank those who stop me in the street and tell me their stories about
li8in.Nstru..lin.Nsur8i8in. in :merica. :ll that you ha8e told me or written to me has had a
profound impact on my work and my bein. and thank you for sharin. your e9periences
with me.
*hanks to the .ood people at )e.an/ooks and HarperCollins for makin. this book
happen, especially to 7udith )e.an, the publisher, for takin. the risk and ha8in. the
patience. :lso, thanks to my editor, Cal Mor.an, for teachin. me words ha8e ne8er heard
of Gwords of which ha8e ne8er heardDH. :nd thanks to e8eryone else there who .oes
unheralded but who has made it possible for me to ha8e my say and see it end up in real
bookstores: 7ennifer Suitor, -isa /ullaro, Shelby MeiKlik, Cassie 7ones, =im -ewis, -orie
'oun., =urt :ndrews, :ndrea Molitor, Carl )aymond, Paul +lsewski, 7amilet +rtiK, *om
5en.elewski, -ucy :lbanese, =ris *obiassen, /renda 5oodward, :drian 7ames, and
5estchester /ook Composition. *hanks to Paul /rown for the book Eacket desi.n. *hanks
also to Susan 5einber. at HarperPerennial for first brin.in. me to HarperCollins.
also want to thank all of you who work in the bookstores sellin. these books and to
the librarians out there who help steer kids to some .ood readin.. 'our efforts are truly
appreciated. :nd thanks to Don #pstein and all the people at 4*& who or.aniKed the
BStupid 5hite Men *our :cross :mericaC that will accompany this book. 5ithout you
there ne8er would ha8e been B*he /i. +ne.C
*hanks to those who helped me research and pull this book to.ether and keep it as
timely as possible. *he publisher had to literally pry the manuscript from us and dri8e it to
the printer at the last possible moment as we were still waitin. for one more forest or artery
for Cheney to destroy. First and foremost, =athleen 4lynn, who helped me .et started and
stayed with it to make this the book that it is. My co,conspirators include :nn Cohen
Gwhose .reatest contribution, amon. many, to this book was e9plainin. to me how a toilet
seat and a bar of soap worksH, :my McCampbell Gwho came here for a few days to work on
my mo8ie and ended up stayin. fi8e months to help me with this bookH, Da8id Schankula
Ga Sarah -awrence Colle.e student who toiled into all hours of the ni.ht on this book and
.ot my head screwed back on strai.ht in the final chapterH, )ehya 'oun. Gno amount of
words could e9press my .ratitude toward this wonderful
indi8idual who has been in the trenches with me for the past two years, and who thanks
me for her first whiff of tear .as in SeattleH, and my unofficial editorial board of friends and
family who perform the all,important Bbutthead checkC3makin. sure don@t totally
embarrass myself by actin. like a Eerk, checkin. that ha8e sufficiently co8ered up my lack
of education and manners, and .enerally offerin. their constructi8e and supporti8e
comments, in addition to some .reat research. *hey are, for this book, :nne Moore and
7ohn Hardesty Gwhose writin.3and whose li8es3were both the inspiration for and the
en.ine behind the criminal Eustice chapterH, 7eff 4ibbs Gwho .a8e me lots of help and ideas
on the en8ironmental stuff and whose pro.nosis for the planet has scared the P//s outta
meH, 7oanne Doroshow Gour .ood friend since our days to.ether at &ader CentralH, and :l
Hir8ela, /en Hamper, Harold Ford, ;eronica Moore, &atalie )ose, and =. 4. Gwho all read
8arious chapters and made it feel like we were back sittin. on the floor at the &lint Foice
tryin. to put the paper to.ether before the sun came up or we ran out of border tapeAH. :nd
special thanks to my a.ents, Mort7anklow and :nne Sibbald, at 7anklow R &esbit.
*wenty years a.o this year, life .ot .ood. My deepest thanks to those responsible.
2BOC/ /0E 2C/0O1
MCH:#- M++)# is a writer, filmmaker, and 8oter. His films include 2oger @
Me) 0he >ig 1ne) and the surprise hit of the Cannes Film Festi8al, Canadian
>acon. His ne9t film is >o#ling for Col"mbine. He is the author of the bestseller
.o#nsi9e 0his= 2andom 0hreats from an Unarmed American) and coauthor
with =athleen 4lynn of Advent"res in a 0F ation. :ll four seasons of his and
=athleen@s shows, 0F ation and 0he A#f"l 0r"th) ha8e been nominated for #mmy
:wards Gwith 0F ation winnin. the #mmy in !112, the only year they had the money
to buy the 8otesH. Mike is an acti8e outdoorsman who likes to swim, bike, hike, rock climb,
fish, hunt, paint, build boats and .liders, .o whitewater raftin., bun.ee Eumpin., mountain
cyclin., scuba di8in., and skydi8in., and he@s a three,time champion of the Mesick
*riathlon and the /urton *ou.hman Contest. His hobbies are cookin. and crafts, and he
likes to spend his time ridin. dirt bikes with *ony and readin. Proust to his nieces )osalyn,
Madison, and Molly. He is an #a.le Scout, and once accidentally burned down the
community center in his hometown while cleanin. up after a bin.o .ame. He di8ides his
time between Flint and Paris. He often checks his #,mail at mmflintYaol.com and
occasionally 8isits his 5eb site at www.michaelmoore.com. /arrin. success, this will be
his last book.