CAREGIVING FOR ELDERLY PARENTS

& SIBLING RIVALRY

In her new book, Theyre your Parents Too!:How Siblings Can Survive Their Parents
Aging Without Driving Each Other Crazy, journalist Francine Russo writes about a
difficult stage of life: she calls it the Twilight Transition when boomer-aged siblings
reunite to care for aging parents. This period is laden with new challenges dividing
assets, dementia and care-giving issues, all of which have the potential to exacerbate
dormant sibling rivalries. This is because the adult siblings must deal with the imminent
end of their first family and take over their parents roles as decision makers.

Ms. Russo was interviewed by the Globe and Mail newspaper recently. In the interview,
she stated:
Theres a huge re-emergence of sibling rivalry over parents because when we see
that our parents time is limited, all the unmet needs weve had resurface to be
loved, approved of and forgiven

Ms. Russo describes the numerous interviews she had with elder-care lawyers,
gerontologists, health-care workers, financial planners and siblings. As a result she offers
practical advice on topics such as:
1. Tips for avoiding conflict.
2. The making of major medical and financial decisions, where parents cannot do so.
3. The negotiation of care-giving issues and dealing with unequal contributions or
power struggles.
4. How to cope with unresolved childhood rivalries and hurts.
Quoted from the Globe and Mail article published Monday, February 28, 2011, are some
of the questions posed by the Globe and Mail (highlighted) and Ms. Russos response to
them.
You detail the many unprecedented hurdles facing boomers as they start taking care
of their dying parents: Life expectancy is up, as is the accompanying dementia;
boomers are divorced and often without the support of a second earner; they are
living farther away from the family home and often still supporting children. It
sounds like a pressure cooker.

Its a perfect demographic storm in the sense that many psychological, economical and
medical movements have all occurred at the same time. The average person is living 30
years longer than a century ago. Medical science has created a situation where people can
live for 10, 15, 20 years with chronic ailments with which they cannot function
independently. Because of the revolutions in the boomer age group more education,
more geographic mobility, the womens movement and complicated family structures
there are not available caregivers in the family.

So what happens when people have to divvy up the work with their siblings?
You know those movies and articles written every Thanksgiving and Christmas about the
nightmare of the family getting together and everybody reverting to who they were when
they were kids? Now, youre not dealing with who does the dishes, but who takes care of
mom, whether to pull the plug and who gets the money. The possibilities for conflict are
explosive. Theres a huge re-emergence of sibling rivalry over parents because when we
see that our parents time is limited, all the unmet needs weve had resurface: to be loved,
approved of, forgiven or finally be judged as important or as smart as your sister or
brother. When youre talking about whether mom should live at home or move into
assisted living and the emotional pitch becomes ferocious, its a clue that we should step
back and understand that this argument is about something else.
You write that families resist change. Why is that?
Families dont adapt easily the structures are very deep and often unconscious. The
family that gets together now isnt the same family and it cant function the way it did.
Your dad made the important decisions but maybe hes been dead for five years. If your
mom healed the disputes, maybe shes got dementia or shes too frail. And its kind of
irrelevant that you were the older sister because everybodys an adult now. But people do
slip into automatic, especially when theres a crisis.
When do you call in a ref?
If the sibling tensions are too high, get a professional in as early as possible. You can
[hire] a social worker or a geriatric-care manager, somebody who can hold the family
meeting and say, These are the objective issues. What can each of you contribute? Very
often, people dont realize how much they can contribute, even from a distance.
You write about the sibling who avoids, and the one who controls. What are the
motivations behind those different responses?

The two main situations are one sibling who does all the care-giving and is angry at the
other because they dont do their fair share. The other situation is where one sibling is
insisting on doing it all and the other says, She wont let me help. This sibling wants to
contribute but feels the other is hogging it all and shutting them out. Sometimes, because
families are so complicated, these two are the very same situation.
Although care-giving has traditionally fallen on womens shoulders, you write that
men are doing it more often now. How do their styles differ?
The stats show that about 30 per cent of caregivers are men. Men tend to be less hands on
and hire people or put their parents in assisted living. This can be explained by the fact
that most of them are caring for a mother because of the demographic reality that women
live longer, which is a complication in all of this. Men are managers and theyre in
charge. Often theyre very loving, but they are not brought up as women are to believe
that theyre somehow responsible for the emotional happiness of other people. Men focus
on giving their parents the best care, whereas women very often make themselves
miserable trying to make their mothers happy when its not possible, either because their
mothers were never happy people or because their condition makes it impossible. Women
become very invested in a way that provides deep satisfaction, but also can be exhausting
and make them resentful toward other people, usually their siblings.
Tips for avoiding conflict
Siblings have many tactics at their disposal to avoid haggling over their parents
deathbed, Francine Russo writes in Theyre Your Parents, Too!
Group huddle: Try to get together and talk about this stuff, Ms. Russo says. Even if
one person does most of the work, consider the family responsibility.
Be there: Siblings should prop up the main caregiver: Call your sister or brother often
and ask, How are you doing? Be prepared to listen to them vent about how hard it is.
Know what you want: Do you want a sibling to relieve you at some point? Do you
want [whoever] can afford it to hire someone to come in and help you? Or do you
actually want to be in charge of everything, but want your siblings to thank you?
Be explicit: Once you figure out what you want, then ask very directly for what you
want, as specifically as possible. Dont hint.
Avoid talking when steamed: Dodge the anger guilt gridlock by speaking up before
youre peeved. We all know no brother or sister ever gave in to a demand.

Money talks: The sibling given financial authority should be e-mailing others with
details such as medical bills, even when not prompted. Transparency can dissipate a lot
of the mistrust, Ms. Russo says.
Watch out for personal effects: If possible, sort out the heirlooms with your parent
present. Siblings should state what they want and draw straws if there is a conflict. And
never throw anything out: Theres no way anyone of us can know what emotional
significance a table or an old book has for somebody.
John E. Jordan
Barrister & Solicitor
Dinning, Hunter, Lambert and J ackson
1202 Fort Street,
Victoria, B.C. V8V 3L2
Tel: 250-381-2151

OR

201-4430 Chatterton Way,
Victoria, B.C.
Tel: 250-479-8384

E-mail: jjordan@dinninghunter.com