Be Your Own Therapist by Patricia Hesnan

Control
(1)
Control
Are you a controller?
Are you allowing yourself to be controlled?
Control is a word used regularly in todays society e.g.
She / He is a control freak.
What exactly does this mean? It means that anyone who
tries to control another person for their own gain is attempting to
control them. Controllers are not always consciously aware of their
need to control or how, or why, their controlling tactics work.
When a controller feels he/she is controlling a situation they may
feel that they are safe and more secure. Controllers are constantly
trying to maintain control over one situation or another, or one
person or another.
Are you a controller, or do you know someone who is,
or who tries to be a controller?
*!"e# and #him# will $e used instead of he / her / they to
simplify this explanation%.
& person can only control when someone allows himself
or herself to $e controlled. &s long as a controller finds their
controlling $ehaviour works for them, they will continue to $ehave
in this way. When you $ecome aware that you or someone else is
using controlling techni'ues, it is your responsi$ility, whether you
allow this $ehaviour to continue, or to affect you or not.
(here are many different types of controllers. (here are
many different tactics, which may $e used as a means to control
others.
)
*e +our ,wn (herapist
Controlling through guilt.
Controlling through fear.
Controlling through silence.
Controlling $y $eing nice.
Controlling $y aggression.
Controlling $y lying.
Controlling through arrogance.
Controlling $y manipulation.
We may sometimes have learned to control or $een
controlled from an early age. &s tiny $a$ies we may learn that if
we cry for long enough, we will $e picked up out of our cots. &s
young children we learn one of the $est times to get attention or get
something, which we would not normally $e allowed, would $e at
the checkout in the local supermarket. *y crying or throwing
tantrums, our parents could $ecome em$arrassed and are more
likely to give in to our demands. &nother time we can learn how to
get what we want is when relatives or friends come visiting. ,ur
parents do not want to appear mean or unkind, again they may
!give in# and give us whatever we want to stop us from throwing
tantrums in front of the guests.
&s we grew older and attend college, we may have learned
controlling methods, like refusing to do chores around the home.
,ur parents may $e afraid to insist on us doing our share of the
housework $ecause they are afraid it will affect our studies. When
asked to help, we may exclaim, !"ow can I pass my exams if I do
not have enough time to study?# *ut we will find all the time
necessary for socialising, having fun and spending hours on the
phone. When we wish to avoid doing something we dislike, we
may again resort to our controlling tactics. When using controlling
tactics to get the desired results, we need to $e aware of how these
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Control
$ehaviours may $e affecting others. Controlling $ehaviour is
dysfunctional $ehaviour.
Control by guilt.
.o you control through guilt? .o you try to make someone
feel guilty, if you do not get what you want? .o you try to make
someone feel guilty, $y demanding more time, or more money than
they can afford to give you? .o you remind someone of all you
have done for them in the past, when they do not succum$ to your
wishes? (he person $eing controlled may try to fulfil your wishes
from a sense of guilt, not $ecause they love or care a$out you.
Is there someone in your life who controls you through
guilt? &re you staying in a /o$, a relationship or remaining in a
family situation, $ecause of a sense of guilt? &re you staying, not
$ecause you care a$out someone or love them, $ut $ecause you
feel $eholden to them, $ecause of all they have done for you?
.o you have memories from the past where you were
given !the guilty treatment# when you did not satisfy someone
else0s needs or re'uirements, e.g. in school 1 not getting $etter
exam results, in sports 1 not achieving enough $y other people0s
standards, in work 1 not achieving higher results $y other people0s
standards?
Do you control through fear?
.o you live in or create situations where someone will $e
fearful of what you may say, or what you may or may not do, if
they do not $ehave in a certain way? "ave you ever threatened to
harm yourself or others if you did not get what you wanted? "ave
you ever threatened to leave a /o$ or relationship if the other
person did not succum$ to your wishes or re'uests? (his other
person, friend, partner or relative may give in to your wishes, only
$ecause you are triggering in them, a memory of fear and guilt
where in the past you or someone else carried out their threats with
devastating conse'uences?
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(he threatened person is not complying with your wishes
$ecause they love or care a$out you, $ut $ecause of the fear of
what you might do. (hey may feel they will not $e a$le to live with
the guilt, should you go through with your threats. +ou are now
attempting to control this person through fear.
Are you yourself being controlled through fear?
&re you $eing controlled $y the fear or the threat of what
will happen if you leave a /o$, a relationship or a family situation?
&re you fearful of the conse'uences and the affect it will have on
you and those around you, if you leave? &re you staying in a /o$ or
relationship $ecause someone says, !(hink what it would do to the
family, or think what it will do to your elderly parents if you leave
this /o$, home or relationship 1 it could kill them?#
It can also $e fear of the criticism, re/ection or
disappointment from family or friends, that can hold you in a
particular place and with a person you may not $e compati$le or
happy with. (his can $e detrimental to your emotional and mental
well3$eing. If this is the case you are allowing yourself to $e
controlled.
Do you control by silence?
(he su$tlest type of control of all is silence. 4o$ody
knows what the pro$lem is, if you stay silent. ,ne person is
$laming the other for upsetting you, while still wondering if they
were the ones who did or said something to upset you. In a /o$
situation you may get annoyed with someone, or a$out some issue
relating to your work, $ut rather than talk a$out it, 1 you go silent.
4ow no$ody knows who has upset you this time, so every$ody is
humouring you, placating and walking on eggshells, in case it was
them who offended you. (his $ehaviour can $e a learned $ehaviour
tactic to get attention and to try and control those around you.
(here can $e many reasons for silence. 5ilence in a person is not
always a$out control, $ut sometimes it can $e a controlling
techni'ue.
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Control
&s an adult you may have a childhood memory of a
controlling tactic that worked in a family situation. (he child may
have discovered that $eing silent for a certain length of time,
$rought the parent0s focus of attention on them. (he child may
have also discovered, that this could $e a way of getting undivided
attention from his parents, teachers or friends. 7etting attention is
not always the reason for silence, $ut it can $e a learned $ehaviour
tactic to get attention.
& child, who has written on the $lack$oard without the
consent of his teacher, can $y his silence, control his fellow pupils
and his teacher. (he teacher detains the entire class until someone
admits the offence. (he fear of the conse'uence may deter the
pupil controller% from admitting his offence, $ut his silence is
nonetheless controlling the entire class.
Are you yourself being controlled by silence?
When someone is silent and non communicative in your
presence, do you sometimes feel you must have done something to
upset them? .oes silence trigger childhood memories for you of
your parents or other family mem$ers or friends arguing and
fighting, and then the endless silence following the argument, and
you the child feeling fearful and apprehensive, not knowing when
the rows and arguments might $egin again?
(he silence for a child in a situation like this can $e 'uite
terrifying, $ecause in the silence, they never know when things are
finally going to go wrong again. (he child may try to fill the void
in the silence $y continually asking 'uestions, $y incessant
chattering, $y crying without having any o$vious reason for doing
so, $y argumentative or irritating $ehaviour towards fellow
si$lings, $y constantly endeavouring to please, or $y doing chores
they would not normally do.
8emories may now $e triggered for you as adult,
memories where silence meant uncertainty and unsafety for you as
a child. (he $elief system may now $e, !+ou must $reak the
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silence or fix the cause.# +our $ehaviour as an adult may now $e
controlled $y the silence of those around you. +ou may need to
learn where and when silence is appropriate and accepta$le. It does
not always mean you have done something wrong or something is
a$out to go wrong.
Do you control by being nice?
+ou have heard the expression !"e/5he is so nice today,
they must $e looking for something.# (he nice controllers are
difficult to detect. (hey can lull you into a false sense of security
and most times you may fall for it. +ou may do this, or someone
you know may $e a nice controller. (his person calls on you out of
the $lue, $earing useless or outdated gifts, for which you have little
or no use. (hey may seem genuine at the time, $ut as they are
a$out to depart, they ask you if you would take care of their dog
for two weeks while they go away on holidays, or they could ask
you, if you would mind if they $orrowed your new mo$ile home
$y the sea for the weekend.
&t other times they may call and want to $orrow money or
other items, such as your lawnmower, your trailer, your car etc.
+ou may find it difficult to refuse, $ecause they have given you a
gift or present. (hese efforts at $eing nice could $e 'uestiona$le,
especially if these people only call $earing gifts on very rare
occasions and then look for something from you in return.
What a$out the person who doesn0t call you for months at
a time and then, !out of the $lue,# they are passing through your
local town, and invite you out to dinner? (his is not necessarily
$ecause they care a$out you, $ut more often $ecause they have no
one else to /oin them for dinner at the time. +ou are /ust filling a
gap as they are passing through%.
What a$out the person who offers to $ring your child home
from school and mind him for the evening? (hey did not do this
$ecause they were $eing nice or caring, $ut rather, that they are in
need of a child minder for their three children, the following week.
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Control
*ecause of this person caring for your child one evening, you now
feel o$liged to pay this person $ack for something you did not ask
for in the first place. .o you yourself use ulterior or nice%
$ehaviour patterns in order to get something in return? If you do,
you are not $eing nice, 1 you are $eing manipulative and
controlling.
Controlling through aggression.
& child sometimes learns that if he kicks and screams he
will get what he wants. &re you controlling others through ver$al,
physical or emotional aggression? 8any people have a fear of
aggressive $ehaviour. (he aggressor may $elieve that aggressive
$ehaviour achieves the desired results. (he aggressor sometimes
will go to whatever lengths he feels will have his needs met,
regardless of the conse'uences. & $oss or workmate who is
ver$ally aggressive towards his fellow workers, may feel he is in
control of all those around him and what they are doing. What he
does not realise, is that he cannot control anyone $ut himself. "is
fellow workers or employees may remain working with this
controller for only as long as they need to, or, until they can o$tain
other means of employment elsewhere. (hey will move away from
this controller at the first availa$le opportunity.
;hysical or emotional aggression and attempts at
controlling others through aggression can $e seen regularly in the
home, in pu$lic places, in work places, sports venues etc. In a
relationship, after a num$er of out$ursts of aggression, one partner
the controller% can keep the other partner su$missive and under
their control, $ecause of the su$missive person0s fear of upsetting
them and causing another out$urst of aggressive $ehaviour. (he
possi$ility for the su$missive partner, of an out$urst of aggressive
$ehaviour in the home, especially where children are involved, or
in a pu$lic place where it can cause shame and em$arrassment, can
$e very controlling, $ecause of the possi$le long3term
conse'uences, this person0s $ehaviour could have on the children
or others.
<
5ome people will have the courage to confront the
aggressor, who may have $een a $ully for years. If you are $eing
controlled $y aggressive $ehaviour, you must remem$er that as
long as the controller continues to $ehave in this way, and you and
others allow themselves to $e controlled $y them, there is no
reason for the controller to change their $ehaviour. (his may $e a
lifetime pattern of survival for the controller, who also may have
$een $ullied or controlled in the past. (he 'uestion you must ask
yourself is, !.o I wish to continue allowing myself and my life to
$e controlled in this manner?#
Controlling by manipulation
&s in all cases of control $oth male and female are e'ually
capa$le of manipulation. 8anipulators have only one purpose in
mind, and that is to have and get what they want regardless of the
damage it is doing to others.
(his person can lead a dou$le standard of life. We will
speak of the male manipulator in this example. "e may continue to
live a relatively normal family life, with his partner/wife and
children, $ut he may also have made a commitment to another
woman. "e can engage in a normal physical relationship with his
wife, without her having any suspicions a$out this other woman.
"e has more difficulty engaging at an emotional or mental level,
$ecause if things are harmonious in the home, he has no excuse for
storming out after an argument. "e will instigate an argument, so
he feels /ustified in leaving. 5ometimes not returning home for
days or even weeks at a time.
(his person can manipulate many people at the same time,
$usiness colleagues, family, friends, etc, in order to support his
lifestyle, and to cover up for his $ehaviour. (he $lame for this
man0s $ehaviour can initially $e directed towards the other woman.
When he goes missing, he may have many excuses,
including telling his wife he is /o$ searching. "e may even say that
he is attending for counselling to help him deal with pro$lems in
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his home and place of work. "e tells the other woman that his wife
is a raging alcoholic and a madwoman, $ut that he can0t leave her
/ust yet, $ecause of the children.
>ventually his wife finds out a$out the other woman. (he
first thing he does, is deny all knowledge, $ut later after many rows
and arguments, he admits to his $ehaviour and lies. "e once again
convinces his wife that he loves her and the children. It is not long
$efore he resorts to the old $ehaviour patterns. "e instigates a row,
storms out, and goes $ack to the other woman.
"e is possi$ly operating the same scenario with the other
woman, which gives him an opportunity to return to his wife and
children. "e will return to the family home on numerous
occasions, full of guilt and remorse, saying the relationship with
this other person is finished. "is wife continues to allow herself to
$e manipulated physically and mentally, despite the affects his
coming and going is having on herself and the children.
"is wife eventually gives him an ultimatum. 5he tells him
she wants a separation. 1 (his works for a short while. (o try and
avoid this happening, the manipulator tells his wife, !5he is the
only person he ever really loved, or will ever love.# 5he $elieves
him once again, so they go for counselling separately and together.
"is wife later discovers that he is expressing the same sentiments
to this other woman.
Whatever love, care and trust existed $etween this couple,
may now $e destroyed $eyond repair. "is wife and children are
hurt, angry and devastated. (heir physical, emotional and mental
health may now $e severely affected. (his man has also caused
financial chaos and ruin. "is family may $e penniless and
homeless. *ecause of all of this, his wife now seeks a separation.
(he manipulative controller can $e ruthless, switching
from extreme $ehaviour patterns i.e. $eing nice, considerate,
caring, loving, humouring, telling each person what he knows they
need to hear i.e. !+ou are $eautiful.# !+ou are the most important
?
person in the world to me.# !+ou are the only person I have ever
loved.# !4o$ody understands me like you do.# !I had to work so
hard.# !5he spent all my money.#
(he manipulator can play the victim role very effectively
until he has the other woman convinced of how life dealt him such
a raw deal. !I got married too young.# !I stayed $ecause of the
children.# !We were never compati$le.#
!hat about the other woman?
(he other woman may $e working from a sense of low
self3esteem, and have a deep need to $e loved and appreciated.
(his person can hand over large amounts of money or goods, in
order to facilitate this manipulator, not knowing the true story%.
When this person refuses to continue financing this
manipulator, or the finance runs out, this manipulator can turn to
physical, ver$al, or a$usive $ehaviour, sometimes seriously
physically, emotionally, and mentally damaging the other person.
(his manipulator can switch moods so fast the other person can
never relax.
(his manipulator takes all he needs from this other woman,
1 his morale is $oosted, his pockets are full, he has had a
marvellous social time, wining and dining, he has had his holidays
a$road, all paid for $y this other woman. &t this stage she may
$ecome needy and demanding, and look for something in return for
all she has given him. 5he may demand more of his time and
attention, also may$e a long3term commitment from him. (he
pro$lem is that the seemingly endless supply of money from this
woman may $e running out. When she explains this to him this
manipulator can say, !If you really cared a$out me you would find
more money somewhere. +ou could get yourself another part3time
/o$, or sell that site your parents gave you. We will $uy another
site together, when I am free of my marriage.# (his manipulator
could have $een out of work for several years and has no intention
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Control
of working or sharing an honest healthy relationship with
any$ody%.
When this woman does not comply with his wishes he
$ecomes disinterested and $ored with her. 4ow that the victim of
this manipulator has eventually outlived her usefulness, this
manipulator can feel /ustified in ending this relationship, moving
on, and creating a similar scenario somewhere else, with some$ody
else, all over again.
(his manipulator can have a num$er of relationships at the
same time. "e tells each person a different story. "e tells his wife
that this woman has him persecuted, phoning and texting him day
and night. "e tells the other woman that his wife won0t give him a
divorce, or she the other woman% will have to wait until his
children are older, or, that he will have his divorce settled very
soon so they can then spend their lives together.
It is sometimes only after irrepara$le loss of health and
irretrieva$le financial losses, that the victims of this manipulator
seek help and guidance. (he victims may need to look at the reason
$ehind why they allowed themselves to $e manipulated. When they
realised that they were $eing manipulated for another person0s
gains, they may need to ask themselves, what stopped them from
discontinuing this relationship? Was it fear of more a$use? Was it
fear of not $eing needed? Was it shame that family and friends
would discover the truth a$out the relationship? Was it low self3
esteem, low self3worth? Was their self3worth $ased on what they
could give this person or on how the manipulator valued them?
(hese persons may need help and support from family and
friends. (hey may also need professional help to heal from the
hurtful $ehaviour of the manipulator.
When you manipulate you hurt. When you allow yourself
to $e manipulated, you allow yourself to $e hurt.
))
Controlling through lying.
(he person who controls through lying can control many
people at the same time. & $oss in a /o$ can promise his workers
an increase in their wages if they remain working for him, knowing
full well that the finance is not availa$le for him to do this. (he
workers may continue to work for him, and $elieve this person for
months and sometimes years until they eventually find out the
truth. & $oss can control a num$er of people, $y promising the
same /o$ to each one of them. >ach one $elieves the /o$ is theirs
and so live their lives accordingly, $orrowing money in
anticipation of the extra finances that have $een promised. Aiving a
standard of life they cannot afford.
(he controller through lying, deceit and making false
promises, can control the lives of two complete families. (his type
of controlling is cruelB $ecause the controller may $e fully aware of
the devastating affect this $ehaviour is having on $oth families. It
is sometimes only after many years of trauma that the controlling
liar is detected. *y this time many people will have $een affected
and scarred for the rest of their lives. (his person may $e fully
aware that they are lying.
Control through arrogance.
(he $elief system with this type of controller can $e that
his time is more important than anyone else0s. "e can control
family, friends, workmates or sport colleagues, $y promising that
he will do something, or that he will $e at a certain place and time,
knowing full well that he has made a prior arrangement with
someone else.
(his person can promise to $e at a certain place at a
prearranged time, $ut $ecause of his possi$le total disregard and
respect for other people and their time, he will either arrive late or
not at all. (his person can delay a full $usload of people, a ma/or
function, an important meeting or /ust one individual.
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Control
(his type of controller rarely informs any$ody that he is
going to $e late, or that he does not intend to turn up at all. (he
reason why it is important to inform someone that there is a change
in the prior arrangement, is that it will free up the other person /
persons and allow them to decide whether to wait for him or
continue without him. If the controller gives the information,
which will free up those who are waiting, he will no longer feel he
is in control of the situation.
(he arrogant controller may know someone is standing at a
door waiting to $e let in, and say to himself or others, !Aet him
wait, he can wait until I am ready.# (his controller can leave his
workmates waiting for him on a $uilding site. "e knows unless he
completes a particular /o$, the next stage of the /o$ cannot
commence. Cnowing his family are sitting in the car and ready to
start on a /ourney, this controller can return $ack to the house for
something minor and decide to make numerous phone calls.
*ecause of this continuous $ehaviour pattern, his family now
refuse to get into the car unless he gets in first.
What this controller fails to understand, is that over a
period of time when family and friends learn and have $een on the
receiving end of his poor time keeping, and lack of respect for
them or their time 1 they in turn $ecause of his inevita$le late
arrival may now turn up late for any meetings with him.
(his controller does not really see the knock3on effect of
his $ehaviour, until one day a friend promises to meet him and take
him to a very important /o$ interview. (he friend already aware of
the controller0s poor time keeping arrives late. (he controller,
failing to arrive for the interview at the prearranged time, loses the
/o$.
(here can $e many similar experiences for this controller.
4o$ody $elieves him anymore. (hey see little point in telling him
the starting times of parties, meetings or social events and see little
or no point in agreeing to meet him at a prearranged time. (his
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controller can miss out on many /oyful and happy moments in life.
(hey can also lose out on the many learnings life has to offer.
When confronted the controller rather than apologise for
arriving late or for not turning up at all, can sometimes attempt to
minimise his $ehaviour, to the annoyance of the other person /
persons delayed $y his $ehaviour. "e may exclaim, !(he man who
made time made plenty of it.#
"ow often have you yourself said, or heard someone else
say, !I got held up?# When the truth of the matter was, that you, or
they, did not leave a particular place on time in order to get to the
destination at the prearranged time. Aike any other type of control,
the arrogant controller may not $e doing this at a conscious level.
When we $ecome aware that we are allowing ourselves to $e
controlled or that we are attempting to control others, we have
choices and can decide whether we continue to do so or whether
we allow this controlling of ourselves to continue or not.
A person with addicti"e beha"iour patterns can use
many different methods of controlling
Damily or friends may allow or ena$le this $ehaviour to
continue $ecause of the fear of what the addict may or may not do.
& family may allow this controlling $ehaviour to continue for
years. 5ometimes they may do this, $ecause of a memory of how a
relative or friend $ehaved in similar circumstances e.g. got angry,
stormed out, crashed the car, in/uring themselves and someone
else.
(he person with the drink or drug related pro$lem might
try to manipulate and control social occasions, parties or family
gatherings. (he family, partner or friends of this person $ecause of
past experience, possi$ly also memories in early childhood of
drink or drug related pro$lems in the home, can very easily allow
themselves to $e controlled. (his is $ecause of the fear of
aggressive or destructive $ehaviour $y the controller. (he memory
of the hurt, pain and shame may $e triggered, so they will do
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Control
anything to keep those memories suppressed. (his allows the
controller to continue with his $ehaviour.
5ome people use a num$er or com$ination of controlling
tactics together, and at the same time. (he singular or the
com$ination of tactics depends on how the controller has achieved
the desired results in the past.
#f you are a controller, you are a $ailer,
but you are also a prisoner.
Affirmation
I will not allow myself to $e controlled.
I will not attempt to control others.
I realise that I cannot control anyone $ut myself.
)9
(%)
&he Dance 'f (ife
Are you feeling alone?
Are you feeling tired and deected?
Are you feeling that you did all you could to dance in tune
and kee! the music !laying?
)ou are in the dance hall of life.
(he music may have stopped a long time ago. +ou may
have $een dancing on your own for a long time now. +our partner
may have stopped dancing with you. (hey may have stopped
listening to you and your music and left the dance floor a long,
long time ago.
8ay$e you need to retrace your steps and find out what
went wrong in your dance of life. 5ome aspects of the dance may
appear to $e over e.g. relationships, marriage etc. +our partner may
have left the dance floor. +ou may have sat down, feeling tired,
de/ected and alone.
When you start to think a$out why you stopped dancing,
you may start to $lame. *lame the music. *lame your partner.
*lame the venue. .o you ever stop and think $ack a$out how you
were feeling as you were dancing?
Can you remem$er the times you felt totally out of step
with this person, i.e. opposite $elief systems, opposite attitudes to
life?
.o you sometimes 'uestion if you ever really were in step
with this person?
):
"he #lay
Was it conditioning that $rought you together?
Conditioning says that at a certain age you should have a partner,
or $e married, have children, or have a home of your own.
.id you panic and accept the first person who asked you to
share a dance with them?
Was it low self3worth or low self3esteem that allowed you
to continue dancing with this person even though you did
not feel truly in step with them?
What $rought you together? Was it fear that no one else
would want you that made you accept the first opportunity
of a relationship? Dear of $eing left on the shelf%?
What held you together? Was it fear of loneliness? Was it
conditioning? What would the neigh$ours, friends, other
family mem$ers say if you leave this relationship%?
5ometimes a couple may stay together $ecause of an
unplanned pregnancy, or $ecause of the possi$le affects
that parting would have on the child, or children, or other
family mem$ers.
Were there times during your dance of life that you felt
hurt, pain and exhaustion from trying to keep in step and come up
to your own expectations and that of your partner?
Was it fear of loneliness, that was controlling you and was
a ma/or factor in you continuing to dance with someone you knew
you were incompati$le with?
&s you danced were you held with tender loving care or
were you kept at a distance?
.id you hold your partner with tender loving care or did
you keep them at a distance?
)<
.id you concentrate and focus on your partner and the
dance you were dancing or were you preoccupied and distracted $y
other dancers other people and their lives%?
.id you have impossi$le expectations of your partner and
their a$ilities?
.id your partner have a standard of dancing a standard of
living and expectations% that was impossi$le to live up to?
.id you have a standard of dancing a standard of living
and expectations% that your partner could not live up to?
Was your partner distracted and not focused on you or the
dance you $oth chose to share, after the first couple of dances
years%?
.id your partner cease to make any effort to stay in step
with you?
Was dancing in time to the same music difficult for $oth of
you right from the very $eginning no synchronicity from the
start%?
.id you $oth have difficulty hearing the music of life, and
dancing to the tune of life coping with and resolving life0s issues
and difficulties%?
*ut most of all, did you experience and en/oy life0s happy
and /oyous moments, or did they /ust pass you $y, $ecause you
were so preoccupied in forcing yourself and your partner to dance
to the same tune?
.id you stop when you felt like stopping, or, did you wait
for the music to stop? .id you wait for your partner to leave, or did
you only realise the dance was over after you found yourself alone
on the dance floor?
We sometimes dance to music we do not like. We may
exhaust ourselves trying to change ourselves to suit the music and
our partners. *y the time the music stops, we may $e too tired and
)=
"he #lay
worn out to dance to the music we do like. We may $e exhausted
and in too much pain to dance to any music. We may have lost
interest in dancing with any other person, even someone who may
$e a more suita$le dancing partner for us.
+our original partner may have lost the desire to keep in
step with you a long time ago. (he music may have stopped or
slowed down, $ut you may have $een so caught up in your
conditioning, you did not even notice. (hen one day you realised
you were standing alone on the dance floor. +our dancing partner
and everyone else who was dancing around you had gone. Was it
only then you got the feeling that you were on your own?
.o you now ask why someone did not tell you the music
had stopped, $ut then, why should they? +ou were the one who
wanted to keep dancing living in denial%. What do you do next?
5tart $laming of course. *lame everyone and everything. Can you
remem$er when the music slowed down or changed tempo when
there were changes in your relationship or marriage%? +our partner
may not have $een tuned in to you for 'uite some time. Can you
even remem$er when it was, that they first left you standing
a$andoned you% in the middle of the dance of life?
8ay$e this dance was over for you a long time ago.
*laming insinuates that your partner should have changed to suit
your tune or that they did something wrong. Is it possi$le that you
were never really in step with this partner? 8ay$e you were $oth
dancing to different tunes from the start. ,r may$e you were
compromising yourself, going against the natural flow of life, your
natural instincts and your gut feelings. .id you continue to keep on
dancing $ecause of your conditioning?
Conditioning says, !.on0t rock the $oat, don0t change.#
!What will the neigh$ours think?# !.on0t tell anyone your
pro$lems, that would $e admitting failure.#
In $laming you are handing over your power to the other
person to hurt, anger or annoy you. +ou may now need to learn to
)?
take responsi$ility for the part you played with your partner, in the
dance of life. (he dance with one particular partner may $e over. It
is what you have learned from this dance and this partner that is
important.
#f the dance is o"er with your present partner,
what can you do now?
Dirst you need to discover the music you yourself would
like to dance to.
+ou need to learn what type of dancer you are.
What type of partner you would like.
What type of venue you would like.
+ou can start a new dance to your own tune.
+ou can also dance to a new tune with a more compati$le
partner.
+ou can dance to a tune you $oth like.
+ou can find a venue that is suita$le to you $oth.
Affirmation
I will dance to a tune that is suita$le for me.
I will find a compati$le dancing partner.
We will spend time choosing the music that enchants us.
We will stay in step with each other and dance to a
wonderful tune in peace and harmony.
-@
"he #lay
(*)
&he +lay
.o you feel you no longer have a space of your own?
$o you feel your time is no longer your own?
$o you feel you ha%e been ousted from your fa%ourite
chair& your room& your garden or your home?
Ha%e you been !ushed aside by family& friends& relations
or work colleagues?
Are there more and more !eo!le making demands on your
s!ace& your time and your money?
Ha%e you forgotten what it is like to be master of your own
destiny?
Ha%e your forgotten where you are& who you are or where
you fit in?
Are you wandering around aimlessly& not knowing where
you are going?
Aet us consider life in terms of a drama or a play and as we
go through life each one of us $uilds our own individual theatre.
We choose the players, write the script, set the stage, produce and
direct. ;layers may come and go $ut it is still our own play. We
make all the decisions, do all the hiring and firing and have the
power to change the script, as we deem necessary or desira$le.
-)
4ow consider what would happen if a person did not
exercise that power and never changed the script. 4aturally the
various players would take it for granted that they were there to
stay and that they no longer needed to make any effort to retain
their parts.
(o illustrate how this situation might unfold, you are
invited to place yourself in the position of one person for whom
this $ecomes reality. +ou may find some parallels $etween
elements of this story and aspects of your own life.
Consider the theatre as the house you $ought with your
hard3earned money. +ou find yourself a partner/wife, who you
think will play out a particular role supporting you. "owever
instead of $eing of help, she decides not to take any responsi$ility
for the part she accepted, regularly returning home late,
overspending and always grum$ling a$out the insignificance of her
part. 5he says she would like to expand upon her role, so you $oth
agree upon the new part of !mother# which she says will keep her
occupied and give her more of a sense of purpose.
Conse'uently, an extra player !baby# is announced so the
script is changed to accommodate his arrival, which is greeted with
rapturous applause and tears of /oy. "e soon asserts his presence
and makes his feelings known. "e does not conform to the
mealtimes, sleeping times, or the schedule, which you scripted. "e
has a schedule all of his own.
+ou asked for him and he arrived with a one3way ticket.
"e is on your stage and you must re3write the script all over again.
+ou have accepted responsi$ility for him until he is old enough to
write his own play, which will $e $ased on a com$ination of what
you teach him and his own learnings.
+our partner does not adapt as well as originally
anticipated to the new role of !mother# so you $oth decide to hire
another player !childminder# to look after the new arrival, so that
--
"he #lay
your partner can get another /o$ in another play. +ou have now
introduced another player to your stage 1 the childminder.
&s the years pass the num$er of players in your play
continues to increase, $ut the stage has not changed. +ou feel the
script has taken on a life of its own, and that no$ody listens to you
anymore. (he other players seem to write in whatever parts suit
them and write out the parts that do not.
+ou have now lost control over your play and regularly
feel used and a$used. 5ometimes you assume the role of the night
watchman, who lies awake at night wondering when and if your
children will return home safely. ,ther times you are the cook who
prepares meals to which no$ody arrives on time, if they turn up at
all. 5eldom do you get a !lead role.#
(here are now many players playing different parts from
different plays on one stage. It used to $e your stage, $ut you got
s'ueeEed out over the years. +ou are unhappy with this situation.
(he most hurtful thing is that the other players do not seem to care
or even notice anymore. Why should they? (hey may not have
played their parts very well, $ut then you did not last very long at
your part either, always changing and moving to allow more
players in and thinking more players would solve your pro$lems.
(his $egs one to 'uestion, your reasons for continuing to
allow this unhappy situation to persist. Conditioning perhaps or
may$e you have lost sight of your original character and forgotten
the fact that you had the power to change the script to suit your
character.
At this point, what can you do to help yourself to regain
centre stage in your own play?
+ou cannot send the other players all packing 1 or can
you? &re they too long esta$lished and set in their ways to make
the necessary changes and move off your stage? (his sounds like a
complicated situation and a lot of trou$le for all concerned,
including you.
-2
;ause for a moment and consider this dilemma. It is not as
hopeless as it might seem. Femem$er you once wrote your own
play, $ut in trying to accommodate everyone else, you allowed
your own role to diminish. (his is your play and only you can
solve the pro$lem.
8ay$e you could write a new play, after all you wrote the
first one. +ou can write it, play it, direct it and produce it all
yourself if you want, $ut this time you may need to $e more
selective with the type of players you choose. +ou can create new
$oundaries for them and for yourself. +ou can decide upon the
extent to which you allow negativity to feature. 5ince you control
the lighting, you can decide whether to highlight hope rather than
hopelessness or to focus on /oy rather than misery. +ou can choose
the aspects of your life to which you will give prominence. +ou
can decide whether your theatre is filled with tears or laughter.
+our life is your very own play and you have the power to
play it out whatever way you choose. Femem$er, that no matter
how powerless you may feel, you are still the master of your own
destiny.
&his is your play and you ha"e the power to
play it out your way.
Affirmation
I am the person holding the pen and I start to write my new
play today.
I will fill my play with /oy and laughter.
I will play my part with a new awareness.
I will not hand over my part of my play to any one else.
I will choose the players with whom I will share my stage.
It is my play.
-6
"he #lay
It is my life.
I can play it my way.
-9
(,)
-.pectations / (imitations
'(!ectations and )imitations is *uite a broad to!ic.
+e will illustrate here how you may loose sight of your
own !ersonal limits or the limitations of others conse*uently
suffering serious re!ercussions.

Ask yourself the following 0uestions.
.o you push yourself $eyond your limits? .o you or have
you had a pro$lem recognising your limitations? ,r, upon
recognising them do you have a pro$lem adhering to them? When
you say !yes# or !no# do you allow others to change your mind?
.o you leave it to someone else to decide when you have done
enough work, exercise etc? .o you apply the learnings and
experience of others, when you are creating limitations for
yourself? .o you go $eyond your limitations to the point, where
you $reak down or are driven out of a relationship, marriage or
/o$?
&re there times when you feel you have $een pushed
$eyond your limits? .o you sometimes feel that this has $een
happening most of your life? .o your friends or family
communicate expectations, which you find difficult to achieve? .o
you ever feel that as soon as you have reached the top rung of the
ladder, another rung automatically appears for you to clim$?
1o how do you recognise your limitations?
"ow do you take $ack your power, thus ena$ling you to
decide when enough is really enough?
It is important to realise that failing to respect your own
limitations may $e a learned $ehaviour pattern. +ou may have
-:
'(!ectations , )imitations
$een a child, when your natural a$ility to recognise your
limitations were first taken away from you, $ut you can now learn
to make the necessary changes when you feel and realise
something is not good for you or your health, and that your hunch
has validity. +ou may dou$t your intuition at times $ut if you go
with the feeling, then that is what is right for you. It is important to
know your own limitations, likes and dislikes. "ow can someone
else possi$ly know, recognise and respect them if you do not know
them yourself? +our achievements in life are solely for you. -our
learnings are uni'ue and solely for your life0s purpose.
Do you recognise and listen to your body2s signals?
,ur $odies have an intelligence of their own and if each of
us could regain our childhood a$ility to listen to our $odies, we
could avoid a lot of stress and illness. .o you take a $reak of your
own free will, or does it take an accident or ill health to stop you
and allow you to take stock of your life? "ow then do you /udge
how sick you really are? .oes someone else tell you how sick you
are, or do you act on how you really feel?
Gery often this confusion $egins when a child is very
young. 8ay$e you had what are called tough parents, who did not
$elieve in doctors or ta$lets, and when you complained of $eing
sick, they may have seen this as an excuse to avoid doing chores,
or that you were simply attention seeking. &t the time you may
have thought you were going to die from this sickness, $ut
o$viously your parents must have $een right all along, or so you
$elieved, 1 after all, you are still here. ;erhaps you were /ust
pretending. Is this what you now think? &t the time for you it did
seem to $e a real pain and you felt really ill.
.o you know your limitations, or does someone else tell
you when you have had enough alcohol, or do you wait until the
$arperson tells you that you have had enough or do you wait until
you are out of control on all levels? .o you wait until your $rain,
liver and stomach etc, are damaged $eyond repair $efore you $egin
to realise when enough is enough?
-<
If you learned to !tune out# from your $ody0s pain level at
a young age, you may have difficulty !tuning in# at a later stage.
When you eat, do you know your limitations? .o you eat what you
feel like eating or do you eat the food others recommend you
should eat even if it makes you feel unwell? When you were young
your natural instincts were telling you what foods agreed and did
not agree with your system. .id your parents listen when you said,
!I don0t like onions?# +ou may have $een told to eat them, despite
the stomach cramps they gave you, 1 $ecause your parents
$elieved they were good for you. 5o you may have learned at an
early age, to eat what someone else thought was good for you, and
not what you instinctively felt agreed with your particular system.
+our $ody instinctively knows when it cannot tolerate a
particular food. When allergists discover a child has sensitivities to
certain foods, the parents often remark that as a $a$y that child did
not like the foods in 'uestion.
&t the outset it was acknowledged that !Aimitations and
>xpectations# is 'uite a $road topic. Aet us now !flip the coin# and
address the issue of the expectations we pro/ect onto others. It is
important to pose the following 'uestionH
As parents do we push our children beyond their limits
to a point where they cannot cope?

(here are many different ways in which we may push our
children $eyond their limits. 5ometimes we may $uy toys and
$ooks for them, $eyond their intellectual capa$ilities. (his may $e
in order to advance them further and faster. Where a particular
sport may have $een merely a fun pastime for a child, parents and
teachers may push the child to $ecome competitive. We may $uy
our children a piano or a guitar or perhaps the $est pair of foot$all
$oots availa$le, not so that they can en/oy them, $ut more often so
that they can achieve more with them.
5imilarly, parents may make comments such as, !5ee (om
next door, look at how well he did in his exams.# !"ow a$out
-=
Cousin *illy, he got on the soccer team, how come you were not
picked for the team?# !+ou could $e learning or doing something
useful, instead of sitting around talking to your pals or riding
around on that $icycle all day.#
5ome parents no matter how high a standard their child
achieves, may still give out the message that !it is good 1 $ut they
could do $etter.# With constant pressure and the continuous
struggle to achieve the standards expected $y the parents, a sense
of hopelessness and helplessness may set in at an early age.
+oung people sometimes find it difficult to differentiate
$etween all the pressures in their lives, i.e. teachers, parents, peer
or self3induced. (hey may try in various ways to communicate that
it is all too much and that they can no longer cope. 5ome do this $y
withdrawing completely into themselves. ,thers may turn to drink
or drugs to relieve the pressure. Infortunately there are also those
who, in an effort to draw attention to their dilemma, may take their
own lives whether $y accident or design.
If you can relate to any of these stories, the following
'uestions may $e of help. If the answer to some of the following
'uestions is !yes# it may $e time to look at your life and your way
of $eing.
&aking 1tock of your life
(he 'uestions are posed to help you take stock of your life
and help you to move forward in a positive way.
&re you struggling in your effort to make your relationship
work?
&re you trying to force your partner into making your
relationship work?
.o you feel angry and resentful towards those who pushed
you and had expectations of you $eyond your capa$ilities?
-?
.o you feel anger towards yourself for not recognising
your own limitations?
.o you feel you have wasted many years !people
pleasing# and never really listening to or $eing aware of
your own needs?
.o you recognise your own limitations and the limitations
of others?
.o you have a pro$lem saying !no# to yourself and to
others?
&re you overloading your physical, emotional and mental
$odies and not recognising their limitations and
capa$ilities?
&re you exhausted and in ill health with all the pressure
you have placed upon yourself?
&re you exhausted and in ill health, trying to push others
$eyond their limitations?
+ou may have $een a child when you learned or $elieved you
had no choices, $ut you are now an adult who can $ecome aware of
the choices you do have, and the choices you can make for your
own $enefit and the greater good of all.
3ow does your body know now that it has a choice?
3ow do you learn how to regain your natural ability to tune
into your body?
Dirstly $y listening to your $ody and acting on what your
$ody is saying to you. *y not following someone else0s $elief
system of what they may think is good or $ad for you. *y tuning
into how you feel. *y getting in touch with your intuition and gut
feelings and acting on what they are saying to you.
+ou can make changes. +our past will have affected you,
$ut try not to allow it to control you. It does not have to. Where
you may have regrets, do not $e afraid to acknowledge them. *e
2@
kind to yourself and remem$er whatever you may have done or not
done, you worked with the awareness you had at that particular
time.
1it down and take a deep breath and as you e.hale ask
yourself
"ow do you feel at this moment in time?
&re you feeling tired? &re you feeling lonely? &re you
feeling sad etc?
7ive yourself permission to have this feeling. 7etting in
touch with your feelings is what is important. It may not $e
convenient for you to act on these feelings at this moment
in time, $ut knowing you have the choice is what makes
the difference.
.o you know you can set limits for yourself?
+ou may need help to do this.
&t all times you have free will. Whether you exercise this free will
or not is also your choice.
Affirmation
I will not push myself $eyond my limitations.
I will not allow others to push me $eyond my limitations.
I will not push others $eyond their limitations.
7od help me to see my limitations.
7od help me to know my limitations.
7od help me to create my limitations.
2)
4ora2s 1tory
4ora was the second eldest of ten children. 5he was a very
sensitive child who always tried to please her parents. 4ora lived in
a home where there were regular rows and arguments, particularly
regarding the delegation of responsi$ility for chores a$out the
house. &t a very young age 4ora proved herself a capa$le and
dependa$le child. Conse'uently her parents assigned her the most
difficult chores. (hey seldom spoke words of praise, thanks or
appreciation and at times took her completely for granted. 5ince
her parents never 'uestioned her limitations, 4ora never did so
either. Whether sick or well 4ora did everything she was asked,
never recognising when enough was enough.
In her anxiety to please she lost track of her own $ody0s
limitations. 5he not only pushed herself $eyond her endurance
level, $ut also created the impression to every$ody that she could
do /ust a$out anything, without ever getting tired or sick.
+ears later in a therapy session 4ora remem$ered having
teeth extracted when she was a$out nine years old. 4ora was still
$leeding considera$ly when she arrived home, so her mother
suggested that she should lie down for a while. When her father
returned from work and discovered that 4ora was resting, he
$ecame very angry and ordered 4ora out to the garden to weed the
vegeta$les. 5he explained to her father that she /ust had some teeth
extracted and was feeling weak and diEEy. "er father reacted
angrily saying, !& little thing like having a few teeth removed
should not stop someone like you.# Deeling hurt and unheard 4ora
attempted to follow her father0s orders $ut collapsed. "er $ody
re/ected $eing pushed $eyond its limit.
&las this incident was $ut one of many which started 4ora
off on a lifetime of not recogniEing her own limitations. 5he had a
tendency to push herself $eyond her limits in all aspects of her life,
work, sport, food and drink. 5he would ignore her own pain,
exhaustion or discomfort in her effort to o$lige others. 5ome years
later, 4ora married and had children. >ven when 4ora did
2-
complain, her hus$and and children did not pay a lot of heed to
her, $ecause in spite of her complaints, she always seemed a$le to
continue with her normal work and routines.
5adly 4ora suffered severe conse'uences as a result of
ignoring her $ody0s signals, one such instance $eing when 4ora
then in her thirties, suffered a severe $ack in/ury. (he doctor
advised her that unless she took complete rest, a full recovery
would $e unlikely. "er hus$and, who was with her during the
doctors visit, later declared that he did not consider her to $e as $ad
as the doctor was indicating.
In her effort to please and accommodate others, 4ora
chose to disregard $oth the doctor0s advice and the pain she was
suffering and resumed her usual household duties. 5he did
however take the prescri$ed painkillers. Infortunately since they
$locked her pain, which would naturally have indicated to her that
she was in/uring herself, 4ora unintentionally inflicted additional
damage to her $ack, damage which $ecame patently o$vious when
the affects of the painkillers had worn off. (he result of ignoring
her own $ody0s signals and the doctor0s advice was that she
suffered with chronic $ack pain and spent years on painkillers and
anti3inflammatory drugs.
&nother significant incident, which eventually resulted in
4ora attending for therapy, happened shortly after 4ora had
suffered a miscarriage. "er hus$and suggested that they go for a
walk together. 5he convinced herself that, !If he thinks I can go for
a walk, then I must $e a$le to,# and so they set off. "owever she
soon $egan to feel weak and knew she could not continue walking.
5he tried to persist, $ut in her pain and frustration started to cry.
When her shocked hus$and asked why she was crying, 4ora
replied that she was too weak to walk any further. "er hus$and
dismissed this saying, !,f course you can.# 4ora0s crying
intensified and she shouted at him in a way she had never done
$efore. !.o you not hear me, I am not a$le to walk any further?#
5he cried uncontrolla$ly. &ll the old memories came rushing $ack
22
again. "er father had not heard her and now her hus$and did not
hear her. 8ost significantly of all she realised that she never
listened to or heard herself. 5he had failed to pay attention to the
voice within, which warned her when she was pushing herself
$eyond her limits.
4ora did not value her own limitations. "er $iggest
pro$lem was that she could not compromise. >verything had to $e
done to extremes. 4ora had to learn that if she felt pain, only she
knew and felt how $ad it was. ,nly she knew when to stop and pay
attention to the pain.
4ora could now see the pattern in her life and where it had
all started. 5he could see how she had created the impression to
everyone around her that !the sky was the limit# as far as what she
could do was concerned. 4ora now realises only she can decide
what her own limitations are. 5he must also decide when and how,
she must act on them. 8ost importantly, 4ora realises she must
stop and slow down when her $ody gives her the signals to do so.
If she does not act on her feelings, how then can she expect others
to do so?
It has taken a lot of pain, $oth physical and emotional, for
4ora to take notice of her feelings, know her limitations and
consider how she portrays them to others. With professional help,
good friends and a more understanding and healthy relationship,
she is making progress.
26
"he .ucket
(5)
&he 6ucket
"he bucket is what holds your lifes resources. /t is also
you.
&re you feeling that your !get up and go# is gone? &nd if
not gone completely, you may $e feeling that it is $eing depleted in
some way. +ou may not know the cause or the reason why. +ou
may have some 'ueries a$out your overall health and general well3
$eing. +ou may need help and guidance to check this out.
#f you can find the cause, you are halfway to the cure.
If you took a $ucket of water on a /ourney and never
checked to see if the $ucket was empty or full, you could $e in for
a $it of a shock. +ou may assume you will have water until your
/ourneys end. "owever, at some stage of the /ourney, you may
have noticed that your $ucket did feel a $it lighter, $ut you may
have $een too $usy to check and see what was causing the
pro$lem.
"ow many of us have almost completed our /ourney
without taking time out to check our $ucket our supply of life0s
resources%? "ave you $een drained and exhausted $y traumas in
your life? "ave you pushed yourself $eyond your limits in many
aspects of your life? We sometimes look $ack and realise without
$eing aware of it at the time, that the water in our $ucket our life0s
resources% was draining away slowly $ut surely.
#s your bucket full, half full, or empty?
.o you remem$er the last time you looked into your
$ucket? When you last looked into your $ucket and found it was
29
nearly empty, did you ask why? Is it possi$le someone was
stealing your water when you were not looking? Were there people
in your life taking things from you without asking, your
possessions, your time or your money?
What is left for you? Is what you have left in your $ucket
enough to sustain you for the remaining part of your /ourney
through life? 8ay$e it is you who is spilling the water. 8ay$e you
have $een giving away your water indiscriminately giving away
your time, energy, possessions or money etc%.
8ay$e you are moving too fast on your path, running all
over the place and not looking where you are going. 8ay$e there is
a leak in your $ucket. ;erhaps you are continually attempting to fill
this $ucket, never 'uestioning why it is emptying so fast. 8ay$e
you are una$le to hold on to the necessities of life. .o most things
filter through your fingers, friends, /o$s, relationships and money?
.o these only last you for short periods of time?
When you discover what is causing your pro$lem, what do
you do? .o you change direction? .o you opt for the 'uick fix
easy way out i.e. alcohol, drugs etc, when dealing with life0s
issues? ,r do you wander through life spending a lot of your time
socialising and wandering from place to place not knowing where
you are going, or where you have $een most of the time?
!hat happens when you get to the end of this $ourney?
(here may still $e holes in your $ucket. +our family and
friends may have long since gone. +our $ucket, your a$ility to
contain life0s resources% may not hold water now. +ou may feel too
old, tired or worn out to start off with a new $ucket or repair the
damage you have done, so you may have to depend on someone
else0s supply of water. If this is so you may have to rely on
whatever someone else e.g. family, friends etc, can do for you or
supply you with.
If you did not learn how to fix your $ucket if you did not
learn how to take care of yourself or take responsi$ility for
2:
"he .ucket
yourself% 1 you may have to rely on others to sustain you and share
their resources with you when and how they please or see fit.
What happens when you discover half way along your
/ourney that you are spilling your own life0s resources, living it up,
late nights, partying, overspending and so on? .o you decide to
stop or slow down and take time out to see what is happening for
you?
Ask yourself why you were mo"ing so fast?
!hat was dri"ing you?
Was it fear?
Was it conditioning?
Was it ha$it?
+ou can slow down $ut only you can decide how and
when. If you do not notice how much water you are losing from
your $ucket, you may not see the necessity for stopping and
checking your supply until it is almost too late. +our health,
finance, marriage, relationships, /o$ or $usiness may $e practically
drained dry $efore you notice that you are running low on your
supply of life0s resources%.
What happens if you have not looked into your $ucket at
all? +ou may have taken it for granted that this $ucket of water
would last forever, $ut waken up one day and find it completely
empty. Can you remem$er when the $ucket started to get lighter?
Can you remem$er where the source of water came from in the
first place? .o you even know where to start looking for more
water? &re you now too thirsty and tired to even walk? &re you so
worn out taking care of everything and everyone around you, that
you do not now have the energy to take care of yourself? .o you
even know where to start looking for answers to your pro$lems?
,n the other hand you may $e a person who has always
kept your $ucket topped up full of life0s resources i.e. good food,
2<
exercise, /oy and laughter, loving and caring for yourself with
plenty to share around%.
5top today, this minute, take a good long look at your
$ucket your life% and ask yourselfH
!hat sort of condition is your bucket in today?
Is it strong?
Is it weak?
Is it full of holes?
Do you ha"e enough water left in your bucket for the
remainder of your $ourney?
,ur life is like the $ucket.
,ur $ody is like the $ucket.
(he source comes from within, not without.
It is never too late to $egin again.
Where there is life there is hope.
Affirmation
(oday I will check my $ucket.
(oday I will check my life0s resources.
If my life0s resources are draining away, I will stop the
$ehaviour that is allowing this to happen. (hrough insight
and awareness I will stop the cause.
2=
Com!atibility
(7)
Compatibility
$o you feel com!atible in your relationshi! or do you
ha%e doubts as to whether you are com!atible with your !artner or
not?
Com!atibility in this conte(t is the blending together of
two energies 0two !eo!le1 on different le%els.
Some !eo!le may be com!atible or connect on one le%el
only.
Some may find they connect at many more le%els.
Some may not connect or be com!atible on any le%el.
(here are a num$er of levels of compati$ility when it
comes to two people in a relationship, physical, emotional, mental
and spiritual.
+hysical
(hey may $oth $e attracted to each other physically. When
they meet it could $e love at first sight and $oth parties may en/oy
a very healthy physical relationship, $ut not necessarily $e
compati$le on other levels.
-motional
& couple could $e emotionally compati$le, i.e. relating and
responding to each other emotionally. Fesponding in similar ways
to emotional situations. (hey may relate on this level only.
8ental
2?
&s a couple they may not necessarily engage in a physical
relationship 'uite as much as they will engage in a mental
relationship, $y this we mean more of a !$lending of the minds#
when it comes to $elief systems and attitudes. (hey may en/oy
lengthy conversations and discussions.
1piritual
& couple may $e said to $e compati$le $ecause they have
similar views on spirituality. (hey may have had past lives
together and now $lend with each other as far as attitudes towards
7od, and spiritual $eliefs are concerned.
It may take many years for partners to realise the
incompati$ility in their relationship. (hey may need to ask
themselves at what levels they were compati$le initially if any, and
whether there are sufficient grounds for a relationship. +ou and
only you can decide.
A break9up of a relationship
& $reak3up may $e inevita$le. ,utside influences or a third
party may $e a factor in the $reak3up of a relationship, $ut they are
not necessarily the cause of a relationship $reaking up. It is only
one or the other or $oth of the two people, who have made the
connection in the first instance, who can decide, if, when, and how,
to $reak this connection.
Ask yourself
&t what level was the connection made at the $eginning of
the relationship?
What are the levels of compati$ility in this relationship
now?
"ow strong are these connections?
.o you have any dou$ts a$out the compati$ility in your
relationship?
6@
Com!atibility
.o you feel connected to your partner at this moment in
time?
"ave you or your partner made changes in your individual
lives, since you first chose to make a commitment to each
other?
,ne or the other of you, may have chosen to go on a
spiritual /ourney, whilst the other may have decided that they were
comforta$le to remain where they were at. 4o one has a right to
/udge you or decide which is the right road for you to take.
Aike the stories of !(he "ouse# and ! (he 5hoes# it may
now $e time to look at your relationship.
!hat part are you playing in this relationship, if any?
Is this relationship nurturing for you, $ody, mind and
spirit?
&re you and your partner in step with each other, or do you
feel the dance is over for you? Fead the story on !(he
.ance.#
&re you or your partner game playing? If yes, read the
story on !(he 7ame of Aife.#
&re you or your partner attempting to control each other?
If the answer to this is yes, read the story on !Control.#
&re you ena$ling each other rather than helping? If the
answer to this is yes, read the story on !>na$ling.#
.o you respect each other0s $oundaries? If the answer to
this is no, read up on !*oundaries.#
Is conditioning holding you together? If the answer to this
is yes read !(he *ird in the Cage.#
6)
&re you trying to take responsi$ility for what is not yours?
If the answer to this is yes, read the story !(he "u$ of the
Wheel.J
.o you minimise what is happening for your partner? If
the answer to this is yes, read the story on #8inimising.#
&re the expectations in this relationship too high for $oth
of you? If the answer to this is yes, read the story on
!Aimitations and >xpectations.#
&re you trying to make this relationship work regardless of
the signs that it may $e over for $oth of you at this point in
time, not necessarily forever, $ut may$e for the moment?
Fead the story !(he (oy.#
.o you remem$er when you last connected with your
partner if at all?
&llow yourself time to answer these 'uestions honestly. (ry not to
$lame yourself or your partner. In $laming you $ecome powerless.
&llow the feeling rather than the $lame.
:uilt
+ou may have feelings of guilt when a relationship comes
to an end, also self3$lame, especially when you see the affects this
$reak3up has had on family and friends. +ou are responsi$le for
what you have said and done, $ut not for the other person0s
reaction to it.
(heir reaction is $ased on their past and how past
$ehaviours and reactions have helped them to cope and survive.
7uilt is a very controlling emotion. (ry and acknowledge your
own feelings of guilt, if there are any, $y saying, !It is the $est I
could do at the time.#
It is the $est you could do with the circumstances you were
in, and with the knowledge you had at that particular point in time.
It is not necessarily what you would do with the awareness and
6-
Com!atibility
knowledge you have now. +ou are still responsi$le for any part
you play in the $reak3up of the relationship.
& third party may appear on the scene and make a
connection with one of these partners at a different level. (his can
upset the relationship $ut this is neither right nor wrong, for one
person or the other. (he learning experience with the first partner
may now $e complete, and a time for a learning experience with a
second partner and may$e even a third, may $e ready to $egin. &s
long as a learning is $eing experienced with a partner at one or
more levels, it may $e necessary to remain in that relationship,
connection% until the learning is complete. If the learning is not
complete, one or other of the partners may continue to return to the
other, over and over again in this lifetime. (hey may also have
gone through this process in many other lifetimes.
8any of us resume relationships that were incomplete in
previous lifetimes. (he completion of the learning may not
necessarily involve a long3term relationship. It is important to $e
aware that when we have outgrown a relationship, the time may
have come for us to move on and to also allow the other partner to
move on.
5ometimes you may $elieve that only you can fulfil a need
for someone else or you may $elieve, a certain person can $e the
only person who can fulfil your needs and wishes. "owever, your
feelings may $e telling you to !let go# of this person. It is not your
responsi$ility to try and meet someone else0s needs, or for
someone else to try to meet your needs or wishes.
(here may $e times when you feel the learnings with your
present partner difficult and painful. "owever, if you move from
this partner to a new partner $efore your learning is complete, you
may find yourself returning to him/her again and again, in an effort
to complete your learning. It may take you many more lifetimes
$efore meeting this person again, and reconnecting where the
previous connection was $roken off. (his may $e necessary, so that
62
you may $oth continue together once more on your ultimate path
of learning.
If you are going through one learning experience, then this
is all you have to deal with at this moment in time. When energies
like the positive forces i.e. 7od, the universe, guides, help to unite
two people to experience a learning, no man has the right to try to
force them apart, or force them to stay together, after their learning
is complete.
+ou $oth may need professional help for this relationship
to survive. +ou may also need professional help to allow $oth of
you to go on your separate /ourneys.
4o one person is wrong or right when a relationship does
not work out. (he learning for $oth of you may $e complete for
now. 5ometimes it is necessary for a couple to part from each
other, so that one or $oth can gain more from life0s teachings and
experiences. (his may ena$le you to $e more compati$le with each
other at a later date, or indeed compati$le with a new partner.
4o one should $e kept in /ail a moment after their sentence
their learning in this life% has $een served, and no one should $e
allowed out one moment too soon. If a person escapes and never
completes his sentence, he will always $e on the run. "e will never
know where, or when, he might $e captured and imprisoned again.
It could $e years or it could $e many lifetimes 1 $ut it will happen.
&hat which is not $oined cannot be broken.
&hat which is only partially $oined, can easily be broken.
4ow, light a candle for yourself.
66
Com!atibility
*e gentle and patient with yourself.
Feward yourself for having the courage to take the time to
look at your relationship.
5pend a little time each day meditating.
Create some 'uality time for yourself, you deserve the $est
life has to offer.
(he meeting of like3minded souls is like the $eginning of a
new cycle in life.
Affirmation
I know I can $e compati$le with another person.
I know there is someone who will $e compati$le with me.
I know my soul mate is out there awaiting the day, when
we shall meet again on our ultimate path of learning.
I will $e patient whilst awaiting the meeting of my soul
mate.
69
(;)
&he <ace
Are there any as!ects of this story that you can relate to?
"his story of Sean could be rele%ant to so many of us in
life.
A case history
5ean was a successful $usinessman. "e had a hectic
lifestyle wheeling and dealing, working, partying and socialising.
"e drove fast sports cars, hooting slow drivers off the roads. "e
did not have much regard for animals or $irds that crossed his path
of speed.
When he did not get a fast response from $usiness
ac'uaintances, he $ecame very angry. "e had very little patience,
with either young or old. "e was in a dreadful hurry to !get on#
with his life. In his haste he did not have much time for friends,
family or work colleagues.
5ean had all the trappings of success, a $ig house, nice
clothes, a fast car and a successful $usiness. &t one stage he felt he
had achieved his life0s am$itions, $ut now $elieves he is at a
crossroads and feels there is something missing in his life. "e
attends for therapy complaining mostly of feeling stressed out and
unhappy. "e is also anxious to find out what purpose and meaning
life holds for him now.
(he therapist asked 5ean0s guides for some guidance.
5ean was shown a scene from the race that he had /ust run.
(he guide asked him to turn around, and look at the scenes of
destruction he had left $ehind. (he people he had knocked down
6:
"he 2ace
and walked upon. (hose he had passed $y who needed help. (hose
who had asked for support along the way $ut $eing too intent on
getting to the finishing line himself, 5ean failed to hear their cries
for help.
5ean0s guide said to him, !What is the meaning of all those
rows of empty alcohol $ottles? Aook $ack at your racetrack and
explain why so many are lying in/ured. 5ome were running slower,
$ut got in/ured as you ran over them. 5ome wanted to run faster
$ut you would not let them pass. 5ome only asked what type of
shoes you wore, $ut you would not tell them. 5ome asked for a
drink of water, you had plenty $ut you would not share it. 5ome
/ust wanted to ask a 'uestion, $ut you had no time to talk to them,
$ecause you were in so much of a hurry to finish this race and get
it over with. 4ow, look $ack at your life and the carnage you have
left $ehind in this race and tell us what we should do a$out it?#
4eedless to say 5ean was devastated $y all of this, for he
had $elieved all his life that it was all a$out succeeding, achieving
and getting to the top that mattered. 5ean always $elieved that you
should live life as fast as you can, fitting in as much as you can,
wheeling and dealing. (he ultimate aim, 5ean $elieved, was to
achieve status sym$ols and $ecome a millionaire, he could then
settle down and live his life in peace, with the money and security
he had accumulated throughout a lifetime of hard work. In fact,
now that he had almost reached this position, he felt he was in a
void, with no more challenges and no further purpose.
"is guide told him, that he had missed out on some of the
most important things in life, awareness, empathy, truthfulness,
patience, tolerance, honesty, compassion, etc. "e also advised him,
not to rush through each day, wondering when real life is going to
$egin. !>ach and every second, minute, hour, day, month and year
is your real life. >very minute act or deed each moment of that
time 1 is your life. +ou are living your real life now, 1 this very
second.#
6<
!+ou cannot change the past, $ut if you learn from it, it
then $ecomes positive. (he past is history. (he future is only
speculation. (here is only the moment you are in right now.#
!+ou ask us a 'uestion and we give you an answer, now
you have $ecome more aware with this new knowledge. Aearn
from it and start a different race. 5tart now 1 today 1 this moment.
A new race starts e"ery moment of e"ery day for
e"erybody.
It is not winning the race or getting to the finishing line
that is important $ut what kind of race you run.# !With each piece
of knowledge, there is a new level of understanding and an
expanded level of awareness.#
5ean now starts his new race with great deli$eration. "e
takes care not to push or hold $ack his fellow runners. "e keeps a
close eye on anyone who needs help, though not taking their issues
on $oard or taking responsi$ility for them. (his time he is moving
more slowly, he knows now there is no time limit on this race. "e
understands now, that it is how he runs this race how he lives his
life% that is important 1 not how fast. It is the 'uality of his life and
not the 'uantity of his achievements that is important.
&he guides say that life is like a race.
We start our race on earth the day we are $orn. (here are
many people in this race, parents, family, friends, relations,
ac'uaintances, work colleagues etc. 5ome we get to know well and
share our experiences with. ,thers we meet only $riefly. (here are
others in this race whom we may never meet, $ut we are all still in
the same race.
&t the end of the day, what is most important is how we
interact with each other, the 'uality of our life and how we live
each and every moment. In the end, the race of life our life% is
a$out unconditional love. Aearning to love and respect our fellow
human $eings and ourselves.
6=
"he 2ace
(ife is not about what we do, it is about how we do it.
Aight a candle, sit down, take a deep $reath and ask
yourself,
What sort of race am I really running?
Is it a fair race?
&m I helping all the other runners along the path they are
on?
What am I learning on my /ourney?
=#t is better to walk one mile and see e"erything, than
to run ten miles and see nothing.>

6?
(?)
Denial
!here there is denial there can be no learnings.
& person in denial chooses to $elieve, that their $ehaviour
has no $earing on the issues that surround them. (hey can convince
themselves, that their $ehaviour is not responsi$le for the pro$lems
regarding their physical, emotional or mental health. (hey may
convince themselves, that their $ehaviour is not responsi$le for
their financial pro$lems. (hey may deny all responsi$ility for how
their $ehaviour has affected or is affecting other people0s lives.
(hey can minimise the affect their $ehaviour is having on others
$y saying !It0s no $ig deal.# !+ou0re exaggerating.# !+ou0re
making it up.#
(he person in denial may have many health pro$lems,
from over indulgence to addictive or dysfunctional $ehaviour. "e
can seriously in/ure himself and others, $y crashing vehicles and
engaging in aggressive $ehaviour. (his can also cause financial
hardship to himself, his family and friends. (he person in denial
can convince himself and others, that he does not drink much. !I
only had a few.# "is $ehaviour makes a different statement. (his
person may find every excuse for their dysfunctional $ehaviour,
when confronted. ;eople in denial are convinced, despite all the
o$vious signs, that the entire story was made up to get at them.
!It was not me.#
!+ou must have spent the money.#
!(he $ank made a mistake.#
!5omeone annoyed me.#
9@
$enial
!+ou drove me to it.#
!5omeone must have put something in my drink.#
!I did not eat all day.#
!I never said that.#
(he crashed car is once again repaired. (he empty $ottles
discarded, the dirty carpet cleaned. (he $roken door and window
repaired. (he clean up is usually carried out $y someone else in the
family or $y a friend, $ut not, $y the person in denial.
(he person in denial does not take responsi$ility for his
$ehaviour or the conse'uences of his $ehaviour. "e can deny and
truly convince himself that he was not even present, on the days
that those events took place, let alone have participated in them.
(he person in denial may attend a health care professional
for persistent health pro$lems. "e may $e suffering from coughs,
lung pro$lems and chest pains, yet when asked if he was a smoker,
he may replyH
! Kust an odd one here and there.#
! I only smoke ,ps other peoples%.#
! ,nly when I0m drinking.#
(his is despite the fact that he has hundreds of pounds less
in his pocket each year and his home and car are littered with
cigarette ends.
(he $usinessman in denial will continue to spend and live
lavishly and maintain his usual standard of living, wining, dining
and gam$ling, despite the depleting state of his $ank accounts, and
despite the warnings from his financial advisors that his $usiness is
in /eopardy. "e gets all the warnings, sees all the signs, $ut
convinces himself that it0s not really happening.
9)
"e can continue like this until he loses everything $ut will
still convince himself that none of this is his fault. "is reasoning
may $eH
!8y suppliers were unrelia$le.#
!8y staff were not up to the /o$.#
!8y accountant was ripping me off.#
(he person in denial may instantly deny having said cruel
words or carried out hurtful actions. (his may $e in order to save
himself, from the possi$le conse'uences of what he has done, and
from fear of how other persons may react. When he instigates an
argument and is una$le to deal with the repercussions, he will
$lame someone else for starting it and for the outcome. 8eanwhile
the other person is hurt and angry, not $ecause of what he has said
or done, $ut $ecause of his denial of what he said or done.
;ersons in denial who have engaged in either physical,
emotional, mental or sexual a$use, can, despite evidence to the
contrary, convince themselves and others that they were in no way
responsi$le for such acts. If the person in denial is confronted and
forced to admit having engaged in a$use of any kind, they often
minimise and deny the devastating affects of their $ehaviour $y
saying, !(hey drove me to it.# !I didn0t think it was any harm.# !I
was drunk when it happened.# !(he person who says they were
a$used is lying or making it up to get at me.# !I can0t remem$er.#
8eanwhile the a$used person may $e attending for therapy and
trying to heal from the trauma, which they have experienced.
Where there has $een a$use of any kind it is more difficult
for the a$used to find closure and heal from the events whilst the
a$user remains in denial.
(he person in denial can convince himself, that the
pro$lems within his family and other people around him have
nothing to do with him. "e may $lame a nagging partner, financial
pressure and health issues as the pro$lem and the cause of his
9-
$enial
$ehaviour. "e sees his distressed children. "e sees his wife/
partner spending most of her days and nights in tears. "e sees his
friends avoiding him and wanting less and less to do with him. "e
convinces himself this has nothing to do with him.
If the denial continues it could result in the loss of the
home, loved ones and health. (his, as well as having a dramatic
impact on the life of the person in denial, can also have a knock3on
effect on the lives of those around him, for many years to come.
(he person in denial may make many empty promises to
family and friends e.g. !We0ll sort something out.# "e may
promise to pay off some of the de$ts, give up his drinking and
overspending. (his is not to resolve his pro$lem $ut to $uy him
time and more spending power.
!hat about this man2s partner?
5he may also $e in denial. 5he may continue to live with
him, despite the hurt and pain she is experiencing. 5he sees the
collapse of the relationship, the devastation in the home, and the
affect all of this is having on herself and the children. 5he $elieves
him, $ecause she wants to. 5he wants to have a functional and
happy home for herself and her children. 5he is hoping that one
day he will change. "er partner does not accept reality. "e
continues life as he has always done, $ut as the family, financial
and health pressures continue to $uild, his need to escape $ecomes
greater.
"e can, without any conscience, move on to new
surroundings. (he person in denial can do this without a $ackward
glance, leaving his past $ehind him. "e can leave a trail of
homeless, penniless people with $roken hearts, $roken trust and
$roken promises. "e may $e in total denial of the emotionally and
mentally damaged people he has left on his path $ehind him. "e
can deny or minimise all of this, so that he does not have a sense of
guilt. "e can $e very convincing to other people. "e can convince
92
himself and others that he has ade'uate financial resources and has
provided for every$ody 1 with no money to his name%.
"e can write numerous che'ues under the pretext that he is
paying his $ills, $ut will have no money in his $ank account to
honour them.
&his is denial at its utmost.
;ersons in denial are impervious to argument, no matter
what facts are placed $efore them. When life does not work out for
them, they $lame others and deny their part.
What a$out his friends? (hey may loan him more and
more money and listen to his every excuse. (hey continue to give
him more and more chances, thinking his luck will change. ;eople
in denial may move to new relationships, new friends and new
challenges without any remorse. (hey keep themselves $usy
mental avoidance% or use su$stances alcohol etc.% to deny their
$ehaviour and the conse'uences of it. (hey may also ver$ally deny
their part in the whole scheme of things saying, !It is no $ig deal,
aren0t you $etter off now?# !+ou are going on a$out nothing.# It
may not $e until he leaves $ehind a num$er of $roken homes and
financial losses etc, that a person in denial seeks help or therapy.
Do you recognise yourself in this story?
&re you in denial?
"ave you $een in denial?
&re you supporting someone in denial?
If you have $een a victim or affected $y a person in denial,
possi$ly for a num$er of years, you may find it difficult to create
closure on that time in your life. +ou may find it difficult at times,
to move on with your life, or trust, or create new $eginnings,
96
$enial
especially if this person is still in denial as to the extent or level of
hurt you experienced as a result of their $ehaviour.
Dor the victims, closure on their hurt / a$use may $e less
difficult if the person in denial the a$user% admits and
acknowledges the conse'uences of their $ehaviour. (he victim
may need professional help to process what has happened for them,
so they can $egin their /ourney on the road to recovery.
Aook at your life today and answer these 'uestions
honestly, only then can you $egin the road to recovery.
If you are the person who has $een living in denial, you
may also need professional help to ena$le you to live a healthy and
more functional life.
If you do not acknowledge your $ehaviour and the
repercussions this $ehaviour may $e having on yourself and those
around you, how can you possi$ly change this $ehaviour? +ou
must learn to take responsi$ility for your actions, in order for you
to learn and for you to achieve your full potential on your life0s
/ourney.
99
(@)
&he 1hoes
/n this story relationshi!s are likened to a !air of shoes.
"hink about your current relationshi! and take some time to reflect
u!on the following *uestions3
Are you ha!!y in your relationshi!?
/s there anything troubling you about your relationshi!?
$o you find your relationshi! comfortable or downright
!ainful?
In this story you are $eing invited to consider a
relationship in 'uite a different and novel way. (he relationship is
likened to a pair of shoes and you are $eing asked to ascertain how
comforta$le these shoes are to wear. In essence you are $eing
invited to weigh up your relationship and to consider how content
or otherwise you may $e feeling.
Aet us suppose you have a pair of shoes and you are
experiencing some discomfort in them. (he first option to consider
is that the pro$lem may simply $e something minor and may easily
$e rectified. It may however $e something ma/or, which neither
you nor the master shoemaker namely the .ivine ;ower, can repair
at this point in time. 5ince these shoes may not $e suita$le for you
at this point in your /ourney, it may $e time to stop wearing them.
In terms of your relationship this may mean letting go.
Dirst you must look at the reasons for the discomfort. &fter all
would you not take a close look at your shoes if they started to
hurt? (hese shoes might $e too small or too tight and you may
need to expand them a little. Wearing shoes, which inhi$it your
circulation, could impede and delay you on your /ourney.
9:
"he Shoes
5imilarly, a relationship that is restrictive and cramps your style,
can cause a lot of physical, emotional and mental discomfort.
;erhaps it is /ust a loose heel that is causing the pro$lem.
(his could represent a small issue in a relationship like one person
constantly $eing late or not keeping promises. (his $ehaviour can
cause a lack of trust. Kust like the shoes, you never know when you
may $e let down.
&re these particular shoes too heavy for your feet? &re
they dragging you down? 8ay$e there is little or no fun in your
relationship? &re you yourself a $it heavy for these shoes? 8ay$e
you need to !lighten up# a little in your attitudes.
&re your shoes dull or shiny? (he 'uestion is whether your
relationship is dull and dreary or light and happy. Is there any
colour, variety or excitement in your relationship?
Is there enough support in your shoes, or are they likely to
let you down without warning? Is there enough support for you in
your relationship, or are you let down fre'uently and without
warning with empty promises?
&re you $alanced in your shoes? Is there enough give and
take in your relationship?
Would you put on a $rand new pair of shoes, which were
uncomforta$le and then walk fifty miles in them? +ou could
experience a lot of unnecessary pain if you did. Would you enter
into a long3term arrangement with another person in the full
knowledge that you were not comforta$le in their company? If
your shoes are uncomforta$le you may miss out on a lot of /oy and
a lot of learning opportunities, which you could otherwise avail of
on your /ourney. +ou may spend most of your time $uying
plasters, healing cuts and $ruises and getting lifts from others when
you are una$le to walk. (his implies that you will come to depend
on the support of friends, when you can no longer cope. +ou could
also spend a lot of time sitting $y the roadside on your /ourney
through life% in tears, as life passes you $y.
9<
Are you ha"ing any of these e.periences in your life?
If so, you may need to take off your shoes for a while.
+ou may need to stand $ack and take a good look at them. +ou
may need to step out of your relationship for a while 1 not leave or
a$andon it 1 /ust step out of it. (ake a good look at this relationship
and ask yourself, !When and where did the shoes start to hurt first?
Was it the day you fitted them on? Was it as far $ack as the first
date you had with your partner? Was it the first day you walked a
long distance in them and got $listers on your feet?# +ou may have
felt that you had gone too far, the first time you went on holidays
with this person.
.id you continue to wear these shoes regardless of the
num$er of times they let you down, em$arrassed you, left you in
tears and hurt you over and over again? Is this what happened in
your relationship? Were there times when you felt that you and
your partner were incompati$le?
&s time passed did your shoes $ecome worn out? .id you
$ecome tired and worn out in your relationship? +ou may have felt
at some stage you could not change these shoes or did not know
where you would find another pair. .id you really $elieve these
shoes would adapt enough to suit your particular feet? .id you
$elieve that this person and this relationship would adapt enough to
suit your particular needs?
Are you going to continue wearing these shoes in the
hope that you can force them to adapt to your feet?
&re you intending to stay in this relationship and make it
work for you? It is hard struggling day and night in these shoes
with so much discomfort, never knowing when they will fall apart
and let you down. +ou may think to yourself that moving to a new
house in a new neigh$ourhood may create a new life for you $oth
and improve your relationship. +ou may $e moving the shoes to a
different place, $ut they are still the same shoes.
9=
"he Shoes
.o you intend to continue wearing these shoes until they
either fall off your feet or your feet are so damaged, that no other
shoes will fit you? (he shoes you have that may have $een suita$le
for another pair of feet, may $e so worn and $attered now that they
are of no use to you or any$ody else. "ave you stayed in this
relationship so long that $oth parties are worn out and $attered?
(here may $e so much pain and anguish that neither party feels
a$le to start another /ourney with a new partner.
&re you now aware that /ust as you could never have
fundamentally changed the shape of these shoes, you could never
have changed your partner or your relationship, to the extent to
which you may have desired? +ou cannot change anyone $ut
yourself. (his may $e one of the most important learnings of this
lifetime for you.
<eflection
(ake a deep $reath and allow yourself to relax. Consider
the aspects of your current relationship, which you find
uncomforta$le. What are the communication levels like in this
relationship? Can you communicate with your partner on any or all
levels, or is there little or no communication $etween you $oth. *e
really honest with yourself. 8ay$e you need to learn to converse
more with your partner. 8ay$e you need to learn to listen more.
8ay$e neither of you feel heard, when you express to each other
how you feel a$out different issues or pro$lems within the
relationship. 8ay$e you $oth need to spend more time together
and see if you are truly compati$le. 8ay$e you need to allow
yourself to $e yourself. 8ay$e your partner needs to $e allowed to
$e himself/herself. 8ay$e you need help with this relationship.
(ry and talk to a non3/udgmental friend or relative.
Contacting a professional therapist may $e of help.
.o not $e afraid to ask for help.
9?
.o not /udge yourself too harshly. +ou worked with the
knowledge you had at the time.
+rayer
I ask my higher power to help me recognise how and when
I am forcing my relationship to work forcing my shoes to fit%.
I ask my higher power to help me recognise how and when
I am forcing or compromising myself to make myself fit into this
relationship this pair of shoes%.
Affirmation
(oday I will spend time reflecting on my relationship.
:@
'nabling
(1A)
-nabling
Are you a hel!er or are you an enabler?
Hel!ers hel! !eo!le to hel! and heal themsel%es.
'nablers create and allow situations where !eo!le can
beha%e and li%e in an irres!onsible manner.
&re you or have you $een an ena$ler?
&re you tired and fed up?
&re you feeling that you are or have $een, taken for
granted $y family and friends?
.o you $elieve you are good at helping people to sort out
their pro$lems?
.o you sometimes feel that the more you do for people,
the more they expect from you?
.o you find that family and friends regularly rely on you
to sort out their domestic, emotional and financial pro$lems?
.o you ever find when there is a crisis with family or
friendsB you are the first to $e called upon?
.o you or have you ena$led people to remain sick $ecause
it made you feel good, or $ecause of your need to $e needed?
.o you have difficulty saying !no# to others regardless of
your own circumstances?
.o you know that ena$lers do not help others, $ut rather
deprive them of their life0s learnings and experiences?
:)
.o you feel others are ena$ling or have ena$led you, $y
continually sorting out your financial, domestic and emotional
pro$lems, and in doing so have $een or are, depriving you of many
of life0s learnings and experiences?
+ou can ena$le someone $y not allowing him or her to
take responsi$ility for their own financial situation, or $y not
allowing them to realise the conse'uences of not creating limits on
their spending, or extravagant lifestyle. +ou can ena$le them to do
this, $y continually paying off their de$ts when they overspend, or
loaning them money without 'uestion, every time they re'uest it.
+ou can ena$le partners, friends or work colleagues $y
continually lying a$out the real reason as to why they have not
fulfilled their work commitments, family commitments etc.
+ou can ena$le parents $y taking responsi$ility for the
welfare of their children.
.o you ena$le, or have you ena$led your children $y
constantly tidying and cleaning up after them, and not allowing
them to take responsi$ility for the conse'uences of their untidiness
and lack of organisation?
.o you ena$le or have you ena$led your children or other
family mem$ers, $y not allowing them to pay their share towards
their upkeep whilst they are living with you in your home, and are
themselves earning a su$stantial wage?
If you are doing this, your children cannot learn how to
gauge their finances, or limit their spending. "ow will they cope
when the time comes that they have to cope and survive on their
own, and you are no longer there to ena$le them?
"ave you or do you allow your children to overspend and
live $eyond their means? "ow can they learn the repercussions of
overspending, if you supply them with money every time they run
short?
:-
'nabling
.o you or have you ena$led your children to take regular
days off work, for no specific reason other than they cannot $e
$othered to get out of $ed? +ou may have allowed a $elief system
to develop with your children, that you will su$sidise the shortfall
in their wage packet at the end of the week. +ou may $e out
working yourself to meet your commitments and can ill afford any
added expenses. *y continually ena$ling your children, you are
depriving them of some of life0s most important learnings.
1tory 1.
Imagine a$out ten years ago you decided to start a little
$ed and $reakfast $usiness that catered for a$out twelve people.
+ou have a neigh$our down the road who also has a *L*. We will
call him (om. +ou have $een good friends with this person for
years. "is *L* holds approximately six people. (om has not
hesitated to $orrow your car, your food, your $ed linen etc,
whenever he runs short. +ou have never refused to help this person
out.
,ver a considera$le period of time he has $een
over$ooking his clients and availing of your space. Dirst it was
parking space, then it was a few rooms for a night or two 1 $ut
now, most of your rooms are full with his clients. ,kay, they are
only sleeping and parking on your premises and he is feeding
them, 1 $ut sometimes with your food.
+our $usiness did really well until recently, when your
health deteriorated and you were not a$le to cope as well as you
would have liked. +our meal times were erratic, $ecause of not
having enough time to cook for yourself. +ou found yourself
suffering from insomnia and getting 'uite depressed at times. +ou
are now in the process of making plans to close down your *L* to
give yourself some !time out,# and spend more time with your
family and friends.
"earing of your intention to close down your *L*, (om
has decided to $uild an extension onto his *L*, to cater for the
:2
extra $usiness, which he anticipates he will ac'uire when your
*L* is no longer in operation.
!here did all of this begin?
It $egan way $ack the first time you ena$led (om. "e
never knew how much food to $uy $ecause he knew you were
there to $orrow from, if he ran short. "e never expanded his
parking area $ecause yours was always availa$le. "e never limited
himself to how many clients he $ooked in $ecause he knew you
would take the overflow and fit them in somewhere, even if it
meant leaving your own $ed and dou$ling up with the children.
(his man has lived in denial of his own limitations for
years. *ut it was you who ena$led him to do this. Dor you, your
feelings towards this man may now have turned from friendship, to
feelings of anger and resentment. "e has a $ig fat $ank $alance.
+ou have $ecome unwell and worn out from years of ena$ling
someone else.
1tory %.
Imagine you have a good friend for years and neither of
you ever learned to drive. +ou did not need to, $ecause you $oth
lived in town. &ll this was fine until $oth families moved to the
country and lived close to each other. +ou eventually learned to
drive $ecause of shopping, kids to $e transported to and from
schools etc. +ou did not mind taking your friend0s children to and
from school, to dancing and swimming lessons and taking your
friend shopping on the odd occasion.
>ventually she decides to come shopping with you every
Driday. 5he plans her week around you. If she needs to pop out to
see her parents ten miles away you take her. 5ince you got this car
rather than $eing a $onus, it has now $ecome a ma/or hassle for
you. +our time is no longer your own. +ou have suggested on a
few occasions that it could $e of $enefit to your friend if she
learned how to drive, $ut she chose to ignore your suggestion. 5he
has told her friends that she does not need to learn how to drive,
:6
'nabling
$ecause she has you to drive her anywhere she needs to go. If you
decide to go away for a weekend, you feel you have to take her
shopping $efore you go.
+ou are $eginning to resent this friend and you feel you
are $eing taken for granted. It all comes to a head when you take
her shopping one particular Driday. 5he does not $other to get her
own trolley or $ring her own shopping $ags. 5he uses your
shopping $ags and piles her full load of shopping into your
shopping trolley. +ou accidentally take one of her $ags home with
her 5unday roast to your house. +ou go away for the weekend, and
come $ack on 8onday. +our friend is furious. 5he had visitors for
the weekend. 5he tells you how inconsiderate and careless you are.
+ou are devastated and hurt $y the extent of her anger, especially
$ecause of all you have done for her over the years.
Initially you were helping this person as a good friend.
>ventually you were ena$ling her. +ou did not allow her to learn.
4ow you are not speaking to each other. 5he has learned to drive
and she does not need you.
!hat do you need to learn?
(he first thing you need to learn is to say !no.# (his can $e
difficult. +ou may have a lifetime of not $eing a$le to say !no.#
(he next thing you can learn, is to see the difference $etween
ena$ling and helping? 5top and ask yourself, !&m I helping or
ena$ling someone?#
>na$lers sometimes $elieve they are good, caring people,
$ut often have a vested interest in what they are doing.
Is there a possi$ility you are doing this $ecause it can $e a
!make you feel good situation?#
Is there a fear that if you allow the other person their
learning, they may no longer have a need for you?
(he next time you find yourself in a similar situation, take
a deep $reath and ask yourself, what is going on for you in this
:9
situation? &sk yourself and answer honestly, !&m I trying to help,
or am I ena$ling this person, $y not allowing them to take
responsi$ility for their own lives?#
Affirmation
I will learn the difference $etween caring and ena$ling.
I will learn the difference $etween helping and ena$ling.
::
"he "hief
(11)
&he &hief
/s there a thief watching your house 0your !hysical&
emotional or mental body1?
(he house in this story is your $ody. (he thief is that cold,
flu, virus or any other sickness or illness, that invades your $ody
your house% when you are $usy, or when you are a$sent or
preoccupied with other people0s pro$lems.
It may $e time to check your house your $ody% and see
how safe and secure it is. &re you a$sent from your house for
longer than is necessary? Check in today on how your house is.
Check in on how your $ody, mind and spirit are today%.
3ow are you feeling today?
.o you feel optimistic and happy, or do you feel tired and
despondent? If you are optimistic and happy thank 7od, your
guides, your angels and yourself for all you have.
If you feel tired and despondent you may need to ask
yourself why? What is happening for you? "ave you $een $usy
and preoccupied with everyone and everything $ut yourself? .o
you feel you have had little return, for all you have done for others
over the years? +ou may have some dou$ts a$out the condition of
your health. +ou may $e feeling sad or lonely. +ou may $e feeling
de/ected. +ou may $e feeling, that no$ody appears to have time for
you or need you anymore.
&ake a long look at your body, mind and spirit.
What do you know a$out your $ody? What age are you?
"ow many people have you taken care of and made provisions for
:<
over the years? "ow many people have you provided a home for?
Is your home now a $it dilapidated and run down? &re you a $it
dilapidated run down and $urned out%?
8ay$e it is time to return and stay a while, with the home
that has provided for you over all these years. +our home your
$ody% is the temple for your soul. It deserves to $e treated with
reverence and with respect. It deserves the $est you can give it. It
deserves all the time and patience you can give it. It deserves to $e
heard when it cries out.
(he longer you spend in this house this $ody% the $etter
you will know it. (he $etter you know it, the more you will tune in
to its needs. (he faster you tune in to its needs, the less likely you
are to have any ma/or health pro$lems.
Ask yourself
When was the last time you had a good look at your house
your $ody%?
What is the longest time you have spent in your own house
recently? What is the longest time you have spent
focusing on yourself recently%?
.o you stand still, focus on yourself on a regular $asis and
ask yourself how you really feel?
.o you rush out of your home most days and only return
home when it is a$solutely necessary i.e. when something
goes wrong, $urst pipes etc? .o you leave your $ody
most days only to return when you get a pain%?
&re you $usy minding, cleaning and repairing every$ody
else0s house everyone else0s $usiness%?
.id you know you had a thief in the house, a thief who
was o$serving all of your $ehaviour? "ow did he get in?
"e got in when you were out. "e had $een keeping your
house your $ody% under surveillance for some time, and
:=
"he "hief
entered when you left your house and forgot to come
home.
.o you remem$er one particular day when you felt tired
and unwell? +ou gave your neigh$our a lift to town and then spent
hours waiting for them. Durther time was spent listening to them
and trying to resolve their family pro$lems. (ime, which you $adly
needed to spend on yourself and your own health pro$lems. "ow
many similar incidences have occurred in your life? (he thief
waited until you stayed away long enough from your house. +ou
were looking after someone else0s house, someone else0s issues%
$ut neglecting your own. (his was only one of the many
opportunities the thief had to get into your house.
(he thief, is the cold you got last Christmas upsetting all
your Christmas plans, parties and dinners. (he thief, is your aches,
pains and sicknesses. (here may $e many reasons for those aches
and pains.
&re you stressed and overworked? &re you taking other
people0s pro$lems on $oard and carrying them around with
you causing your stairs to creak? &ches and pains in your
$ack and neck%.
&re your shoulders aching and over$urdened? &re you
trying to shoulder too much responsi$ility for others?
Is your kitchen in need of an overhaul? Is your digestive
system out of sync and not working properly due to poor
dietary ha$its%?
"ow are the /oists, your /oints%, are they creaking under
the pressure?
Is your plum$ing system seiEing up? .o you have
$locked arteries due to unhealthy eating ha$its, lack of
exercise, poor maintenance%?
:?
"ow is your fireplace? What does your hearth your heart%
look like? Is it cold and empty no love, warmth or fire in
your heart% or is it full of soot and decayed em$ers old
hurts which have not $een dealt with, cleared away or
resolved%?
&re your windows fogged up? &re your eyes fogged up,
you cannot see where you are going%?
&re your foundations shaky? .o you have a shaky $elief
system%?
&re the doors in your house falling off their hinges? &re
the locks $roken? &re you una$le to keep out unwanted
visitors and thieves no $oundaries for yourself or others%?
&re your walls weak and una$le to support the roof? "ave
you had early life traumas and a lack of support from
family and friends%?
"ow does the plaster look? Is it cracked and dried? "ow
is your skin%?
Is your roof leaking and allowing in the harsh elements?
&re the harsh events / happenings in life seeping in and
saturating your $eing%?
(he thief came and went. +ou changed the locks after the
$reak3in. +ou $uilt up your immune system and made a half3
hearted attempt to change your way of $eing%. *ut the next
opportunity you got, you stayed out of your house for a full week,
not /ust a few hours or days. +ou spent endless hours getting
everyone sorted out, such as the neigh$ours, the kids, the foot$all
clu$ and the parent0s committee. +ou /ust did not have time to $e
$othered with that little pain in your chest. +ou thought to yourself
!perhaps it is only indigestion and can $e sorted out when I have
time, $ut right now there are other much more important things to
$e done.#
<@
"he "hief
+ou took on all the arrangements for your daughter0s
wedding even down to choosing her dress. ,n the day of the
wedding you hid your partner0s money to prevent him from
drinking too much and spoiling the day. +ou wore yourself out
trying to keep every$ody happy and prevent family arguments.
+ou have $een a$sent from your house for some time
again. (he thief has $een waiting for this opportunity. ,n the
evening of the wedding, /ust as you thought you had everyone and
everything sorted out, 1 he strikes again. (his time the thief strikes
hard. (he pain is very severe%. "e has $roken into your house,
severely damaging the plum$ing system. (he circulation is $locked
and the pipes have clogged up. (he arteries have $locked up%.
!hat do you do now?
.o you call the plum$er (he doctor% for a 'uick fix, and
then afterwards carry on as you always did, taking care of
everything and everyone $ut yourself? .o you say to yourself,
!4ever mind I can let someone else worry a$out this house and let
them give it a good overhaul.# +ou could go to hospital and have
a good check3up, after all why should you worry, when you can
always pay someone else to sort out your pro$lems%?
(he pro$lem is that this is your house your $ody% and a
once off service is not going to save it. +ou may have to stay at
home and keep vigilant day and night. +ou may have to stay at
home and watch your diet, take regular exercise, have regular
check3ups, take care of yourself for a change, instead of involving
yourself in every$ody else0s pro$lems%. (hat is if you want to save
this house this $ody%.
(his new determination may last for a month or two or
until you get your strength $ack again. ,kay you have /ust
regained your good health, when off you go again for the next six
months, to every committee meeting, clu$ event or worthy cause,
indeed anything so that you do not have to go home and take care
of yourself. 8ay$e you are afraid to look at your own issuesB
<)
issues that you may have $een trying to avoid for some time and
may not feel a$le to deal with%. +ou could $e living in a world of
denial.
(his is the chance the thief has $een waiting for. 4ow he
can come and stay as long as he likes. (he $attle $egins all over
again, $etween you and the thief. (he $attle for you, is to claim
$ack from the thief what is rightfully yours 1 your good health%.
*y now this thief knows your every move, he has $een
watching you for many years. (his is his time and it is do3or3die
for you. "e has a name and he does not mind you knowing it,
$ecause it scares even the toughest people. -ou know it too.
Where were you the first day he called? Come $ack $efore
it is too late. +ou still have a chance, $ut you must act now. (he
longer you have $een a$sent from your $ody, the longer it will take
to $ecome familiar with it and to know it again. *ut you can do it.
+ou can take charge of your life and your health, 1 $efore it is too
late.
!hat can you do for you today?
5it down. (ake a deep $reath. Deel any pain or any tension
in your $ody. &sk yourself, do you need to make that appointment
with your doctor or health care professional, which you have $een
putting off until now? "ow long is it, since you really looked at
and tuned in to your $ody?
Affirmation
I will check every door and window in my house. I will put
locks on my doors and windows where I have none. I will create
$oundaries for myself and others%.
I will find out what is causing the creaking in my stairs
my $ack%.
I will check my kitchen my digestive system, and my
diet%.
<-
"he "hief
I will check my plaster my skin%. I will stop covering up
and plastering over the issues I need to deal with.
I will check my /oists for wear and tear my /oints%.
I will check my plum$ing my arteries%.
I will check my fireplace and my hearth my heart%. I will
clear out any old soot or $urned out em$ers old issues% that may
$e preventing me from lighting a new fire having new love and
warmth in my life%.
I will check my windows my eyes% so I can see where I
am going and what is happening around me.
I will check my drains. I will check that I am not $locking
the flow of energy through my $ody%.
I will check my walls. I will ask for the support I need%.
I will check my foundations. I will check and see if there
are any weak or damaged spots in the foundations of my life. I will
clear out and heal this area of my life. I will replace these weak
spots with good solid concrete. I will make sure I have good solid
concrete $elief systems, that will support me in whatever I choose
to do in this lifetime%.
I will check my roof my head%. I will stop allowing
negativity coming into my house my life% $y developing a positive
outlook on life.
I will not $urden myself with other people0s pro$lems or
issues.
I may need help to do all of this. I will not restrict myself
in availing of whatever means that are availa$le to me, in order for
me to live a long and healthy life.
# call on my :od, my guides and my angels, to help me
and guide me home.
<2
(1%)
6locking &he !ay
.locking the way is like the shi! that is stuck in the
harbour& one shi! cannot mo%e out and the other shi!s cannot
mo%e in.
Are you blocking somebody on his or her ourney through
life?
/s there someone blocking you in life?
Are you allowing yourself to go with the flow?
Are you allowing others to go with the flow?
$o you allow others to obscure your %iew?
$o you obscure the %iew of others?
$o you allow others to im!ede you on your ourney?
$o you im!ede others on their ourney?
"ow many times in life do we $lock the learnings of those
around us, $y continually providing them with answers to their
pro$lems? In doing so we are not allowing them to find answers
for themselves. "ow many times have you said, !"old on a
minute I0ll do it for you,# or, !"old on a minute I0ll get it for you?#
It may $e more $eneficial for the learning of the other person to
say to them !Wait a minute and I0ll show you where it is,# or,
!Wait for a moment and I0ll show you how to do it.#
If you take a child across a dangerous road every day,
without explaining how and where it is safe for them to cross the
road, the child will not learn how to cross the road safely on its
own. "owever, if you take the child to a safe place on the road and
<6
.locking "he +ay
explain to them the dangers to watch out for when crossing, they
will then $e a$le to cross the road safely, on the day you are not
there to help them.
If you are in a relationship where your partner has an
addictive or $ehaviour pro$lem, you could $lock the learnings for
$oth of youH
*y covering up and lying to your partner0s employers
a$out the real reason they have not $een attending work.
*y lying to the financial company as to the real reason you
are $oth in financial difficulties.
*y lying to your family and friends as to why your
partner0s health is deteriorating.
+ou can $lock the learnings of family and friends $y not
allowing them to see, feel and experience the conse'uences of their
$ehaviourH *y constantly covering up and lying for them. *y
rectifying the mistakes they make in life. *y paying $ills for them
as they themselves overspend on trivialities.
What you are doing in this situation is $locking the real
truth of the situation. *locking the truth is $locking their /ourney,
their path. If you are in a /o$ that you feel has outlived its
usefulness, fear or conditioning may $e stopping you from moving
on. +ou may not $e giving this /o$ all the energy and commitment
it deserves. *y staying you are $locking the way for someone else
to take your position. +ou are also $locking someone further down
the line from filling the new vacancy. +ou are also $locking
yourself from moving on. *locking the way is like keeping your
ship at the entrance to the har$our in a position that does not allow
others to move. If your ship does not move out of the way, other
ships cannot get in or out. If you stand in a doorway, the doorway
$eing the connection $etween inside and outside, you are cutting
off this connection. 4o one can get in and no one can get out.
<9
-.ample 6locking the Biew.
+ou may $elieve $eing close to someone is always of
$enefit to them or to you. (his is not necessarily the case. Imagine
you are in a room and you are trying to explain the contents of the
room to someone. If you stand too close to this person, you
o$scure their view. "owever, if you can take a few steps $ack or
leave the room altogether, they can now see all they want to see.
*y standing too close to some$ody you may not $e allowing
yourself a learning experience. +ou may also $e limiting the
learning experience of the other person.
+ou can $lock the way $y withholding, o$structing or
delaying information, which is intended for another person. +ou
may think you are helping, $ut in actual fact you may $e hindering.
Are you blocking the way of anyone in your life?
If you are, may$e it is time to stand $ack. "ow can
someone deal with and live their lives to the fullest, if they cannot
get a clear view of what is happening for them? (he next time you
feel inclined to $lock the way of others, take a deep $reath and
stand still for a moment.
&sk yourself, !Is this $ehaviour $eneficial to me or the
other person?#
*locking the way is not $eneficial to anyone.
3ow can you learn when you are blocking the way and
how can you stop?
.o not stand in the way of someone changing, moving on,
staying or leaving a /o$.
.o not stand in the way of someone leaving a relationship,
place or situation. (his may $e a family mem$er, friend or
colleague. It may $e their time to move on, or it may $e time for
you to move on and experience some new and exciting changes.
<:
.locking "he +ay
.o not cover up or try to take responsi$ility for the mistakes of
others.
&llow others to see clearly, the conse'uences of their
actions and $ehaviour.
If there are no more learnings for you where you are at,
learn to step aside and allow others their learnings.
<emember the ship in the harbourC blocking the
learnings of others is also blocking your own learnings.
Affirmation
I ask my higher consciousness to $ring me awareness of
how, when, and whyB I may $e attempting to $lock the way
of others.
I ask my higher consciousness to $ring me awareness of
how, when, and whyB I may $e $locking my own learnings.
<<
(1*)
&he Cake
"he story of the cake is symbolic to the story of life. "he
cake is life& all of life. 0-ou are a slice of this cake& a slice of life1.
"he ingredients in the cake are made u! of all that is your life and
all that has e%er ha!!ened to make your life what it is today.
+ou may $e feeling guilty a$out something that has
happened in your life. +ou may $e feeling responsi$le for that
which has happened. +ou may feel some past action on your part,
was the cause of a further chain of events.
+ou are responsi$le for everything you say and do, $ut you
are not responsi$le for another person0s reaction to it. +ou play a
ma/or part in what happens in your life, $ut you cannot $e
responsi$le for all that happens.
(ake for example a slice of cake. (here are many
ingredients in this slice of cake. (his slice is only part of the whole
cake. (he whole cake is all of life. +ou may not like this slice of
cake, now that you have tasted it. +ou may not like what life has
produced, now that you have tasted it, !other people0s $ehaviour
etc#%. (his slice could $e a friend, a partner or a family mem$er.
(his slice could also $e you. +ou are only seeing a slice of cake, a
slice of life%. What you see is only part of the cake.
.o you $lame yourself or others for the total product the
complete cake%, rather than look at how many people may have
played a part in creating the ingredients. "ow many more people
did it take to put these ingredients together and how many more
did it take to finally complete the cake? It took many lifetimes and
<=
"he Cake
many people to make this cake. ,ne slice is you. &nother slice is
another person. >ach of you is $ut a small part of the total cake.
&t this point in time you may $e feeling guilty and taking
responsi$ility for all that is happening around you the total cake%.
If you feel you are taking responsi$ility for the total happenings, it
may $e time to let go. (ry to get in perspective the num$er of
people, the many ingredients i.e. parents, peers, teachers, family,
friends and all the scenarios it has taken, for you to reach this point
where you are today.
&his cake began at the beginning of time and so did
you. :o back to the beginning of this cake and e"en further.
.o you know what part the farmer played in harvesting the
corn? Was he good or $ad tempered?
.o you know the part the person played who sold the
farmer the machinery that harvested the corn? Was he
honest or dishonest?
.o you know the part the farmer0s family played? Were
they cruel or kind?
.o you know the part the miller played? Was he hasty or
slow?
.o you know the part the $aker played? Was he in a hurry,
overworked or did he undercook or overcook the cake?
.o you know what the shop assistant was like? .id they
handle this cake with tender loving care or with
aggression?
"ow was your cake presented? Was it wrapped neatly or
slovenly?
<?
(here are so many more people who have played a part in
the making of this cake. *eing the slice, is only one part of the
whole only one part of your whole life%.
If you are still feeling guilty and taking responsi$ility for
some events that have happened in your life, then it may $e time to
acknowledge that guilt. ;ut it in perspective and say, !It is not
necessarily what I would do now with the knowledge I have at this
moment in time, $ut it was the $est I could do with the knowledge
I had at that time.# In this way you are accepting $ut not denying
the part you played in a particular event.
Femem$er guilt is a very controlling emotion $ut once you
acknowledge it, 1 it loses its control over you.
&oday is the day you start to mo"e forward with
responsibility for yourself, your actions and your reactions.
Affirmation
I will acknowledge my guilt.
I will not allow guilt to control me.
I am responsi$le for everything I say or do.
I am not responsi$le for the actions or reactions of others.
I am not the total of all that is.
I am part of all that is.
I am not responsi$le for the total of all that is.
I am responsi$le for the part that is me.
=@
)i%ing /n "he 4oment
(1,)
(i"ing #n &he moment
$o you ha%e difficulty li%ing in the moment?
+hen you find the moment& can you stay in the moment?
$o you wander back to the !ast and what might ha%e been
or do you wander into the future to what !ossibly could be?
&ll the time the moment is passing you $y. Aiving in the
moment is $eing with what is, not what was or what will $e. .o
you live in the present moment, or the past moment where it all
went wrong, or the future moment when you are going to !get it all
sorted out?#
!hat about starting in the present?
(his is the moment you can do something a$out. +ou
cannot change the past. (he $reakfast you ate this morning is /ust
as past as the one you ate twenty years ago. +ou can never eat that
$reakfast again, and like all happy or painful memories, you can
never experience that exact experience ever again. +ou can learn
from your experiences and move on from them, $ut you will never
actually experience them again.
+ou were not living in the moment when you went to the
clothes line and left the $ack door open, only to find when
you returned the cat had helped himself to the roast you
left de3frosting on the worktop.
+ou were not living in the moment when you put on an
egg to $oil and then spent an hour on the telephone 1 now
you have no egg and a $urned saucepan.
=)
+ou were not living in the moment when you sat down at
the ta$le to have some $reakfast and cut your finger as you
were slicing $read. +ou drifted into the future thinking
a$out tomorrow0s shopping, $ut the pain in your finger
very 'uickly $rought you $ack to this moment in time.
"owever for you this may $e only a temporary return to
the present moment.
(he future moment is how you are planning to go to the
$ank, as you are reminiscing over your lost egg, and the
repercussions regarding your roast. +ou are also thinking a$out
taking an extra half hour lunch $reak to go and do some shopping.
+ou are planning to come home a little earlier and clear out your
room, which reminds you, what a$out the $urned saucepan etc?
+our head is in the future $ut you have not even left the
ta$le yet. +ou are here in $ody only. +ou have already !lived# the
rest of today, tonight and part of tomorrow, without even moving
from the ta$le today.
4ow the next step is to get yourself to work. +ou walk out
to your car turn on the ignition and nothing happens. (his is a
moment you had not allowed for. +our car will not start, and what
happens next is that your mind takes off again on yet another
tangent. +ou start to think, !What will happen if I am late for
work?# !8y $oss has already warned me that if I am late for work
one more time, he will dismiss me.# 4ow you start to think, !If I
lose my /o$ and I am out of work, I will have no money to pay for
my car. (he finance company will repossess it. I will never $e a$le
to travel anywhere or get another /o$ again.#
It has not even occurred to you to find out what is wrong
with the car. +our mind goes on, and on, and on.
C,8> *&CCMM
+ou were so $usy planning today0s $usy schedule, that you
passed $y the petrol station last night, not noticing the red !empty#
warning light flashing on your petrol gauge.
=-
)i%ing /n "he 4oment
&ll this worrying and living in a different moment can $e
called !awfuliEing.#
&ake a deep breath, and ask yourself, what can you do
about the situation you are now in?
!&wfuliEing# did not get you very far, so why not try some
real action. +ou could phone the garage or a friend, and ask them
to $ring you some petrol. +ou could then phone your workplace
and explain that you will $e late. 4ow you are $ack in control of
your life again.
4ow you are li"ing in the moment.
+ou get to work and $ack home again. +ou decide to go
for a nice stress3free leisurely walk. &fter a short while it $egins to
rain. 4ow the mind starts to work overtime again 1 !(he clothes
are on the line and are going to get wet. 8y partner will have no
shirt for tonight0s meeting, he will $e very annoyed, $ut then
may$e I can put it in the clothes dryer, oh no, that would $e using
up more electricity 1 more rows.# !;eter0s foot$all $oots were left
out to dry. I /ust remem$ered the dog is out as well 1 he will tear
the $oots to pieces 1 another N)9@ down the drain.#
5o much for your nice stress3free walkM +ou run all the
way $ack home, only to find the dog is still in his shed, and what is
more 1 it never actually rained at your house at all.
It did feel that you were out of control when you were
doing today0s work yesterday and tomorrow0s work today.
+ou have no control over the future.
+ou cannot change the past.
(here is only the moment you are in right now.
=2
&ake a deep breath and repeat
1low me down :od. 3elp me to li"e in the moment.
Affirmation
I will live in the present moment, not in the past and not in
the future.
If I wander 7od, help me to come $ack to the present.
I will take time out for myself and learn to relax.
I will enrol in some meditation, relaxation or yoga classes.
)ou cannot ride a horse that has not arri"ed.
)ou cannot stop a horse that has not started.
)ou can only do something with the horse
you ha"e now in this moment D 1olomon.
=6
"he .utterfly
(15)
&he 6utterfly
Some say our children are on loan to us.
Some say we as !arents are chosen by our children in
order that they can learn from us.
When a $utterfly flies into your garden when a child
comes into your life% is it your $utterfly? .oes this child $elong to
you?
If the $utterfly decides to stay in your garden and feed in
your garden 1 do you have a claim on this $utterfly? When a child
decides to stay with you into adulthood, do you have a claim on
this child? If the $utterfly decides to stay and lay eggs in your
garden, are these eggs your eggs? If your children remain with you
and produce grandchildren, are the grandchildren also yours?
When the young $utterfly has learned all he wants to learn
in your garden, do you stop him from moving on to newer
pastures, new learnings? When your children have learned all you
can teach them, do you stop them from moving to new pastures,
new learnings?
,nce this $utterfly learned to fly, he had the choice
whether he stayed in your garden or moved to another one. ,nce
your children learn to spread their wings and fly they are no longer
your responsi$ility. (hey also have the choice, whether to stay with
you, or move on.
.o you clip the $utterfly0s wings so that he is limited in
how far he flies? .o you do this with your child? .o you limit his
freedom, limit his growth and limit his knowledge? .o you fear
that if you give him unlimited freedom, he may not return? .o you
=9
have this fear around your child/children? .o you clip your
children0s wings $ecause you have a fear of losing them?
&re you allowing your children to learn and grow with
life0s experiences and learnings? .o you give them unconditional
love, help and support to assist them on their /ourney?
.o you limit the resources and information that you give to
your children, there$y restricting their learnings and freedom? .o
you have a fear they will survive without you? When the $utterfly
leaves your garden, do you lock the gate so he cannot return?
When he returns, do you lock the gate so he cannot escape or do
you leave the gate unlocked, so he can come home to rest
whenever he needs to? .o you do the same with your children?
When you see a child whether it is your own or someone
else0s, know they are learning how to fly. 4o one $ut the child
knows when he or she will $e ready.
Can you allow the space in your garden for the $utterfly to
learn, without conditions or limitations? Can you allow the space
in your life for a child to learn, whether it is your own or someone
else0s? 8ost of all can you give them the freedom to fly when they
are ready?
+our children are on loan to you, and have decided to visit
your garden for a time and share your learnings and life0s
experiences. When these learnings are complete, your children
need to $e allowed to spread their wings and move to different
pastures, learnings and experiences and to en/oy all life has to
offer.
Femem$er you too are also like the $utterfly. Aike the
$utterfly, at all times you have free will and freedom of choice as
to which garden you choose to live in and how long you decide to
live there. (his is always how it was whether you were aware of it
or not.
=:
"he .utterfly
(here was a time when you flew into someone0s garden
and you stayed there for whatever length of time they allowed you
to stay there, or for what ever length of time you found it was
necessary for you to experience your learnings.
Did your parents ha"e difficulty in gi"ing you your freedom?
Do you ha"e difficulty letting go and gi"ing freedom?
Affirmation
I am free
I give freedom.
=<
(17)
+anic Attacks
$o you feel there are times when you are unable to co!e
with what is ha!!ening in your life& not e%en for one more minute?
Are there times when you also feel e%en the good things
that are ha!!ening for you are too much for you to co!e with?
.o you feel your pulse is constantly racing, your heart is
pounding and you have difficulty in $reathing properly? +our life,
which appeared to $e going at a nice steady pace, may now appear
to have speeded up considera$ly. +ou may feel you are out of
control of your life. .o you sometimes feel a sense of panic
without any known cause, at least not any cause you can identify
with? If you can relate to any of these feelings, it is time to stop.
5top and find out what is causing these feelings. Dind out what you
can do for you.
!hat are panic attacks?
(hose feelings of anxiety or panic can $e suppressed in the
area of the solar plexus. (he solar plexus is the energy centre or
!chakra# $etween the sternum and the naval. (he feelings or
emotions in this centre are anxiety, anger and fear. +our !gut
feeling# is felt in the solar plexus.
Imagine a wardro$e /ammed packed full of clothes. ,ne
day you decide to s'ueeEe in one more (3shirt. (he wardro$e falls
apart and the entire contents of the wardro$e come tum$ling out.
5ome of these clothes are your own. +our own $elief
systems%.
==
#anic Attacks
5ome do not fit you anymore. +ou have changed some of
your $elief systems%.
5ome you have had for so long they are out of fashion,
outdated. ,utdated $elief systems%.
(here are other clothes in this wardro$e that do not even
$elong to you. ,ther people0s $elief systems and conditioning%.
5ome you $orrowed and forgot to return. +ou took other
people0s opinions and $eliefs on $oard and kept them%.
,thers $elong to people who did not have any more use for
them so you allowed them to dump them on you. +ou allowed
others to dump their ru$$ish on you%.
!hat do you do?
.o you $lame the (3shirt or yourself or someone else or
the wardro$e? Was the wardro$e too small or the (3shirt too
$ulky? Could it $e that there was simply too much ru$$ish $uilding
up in your wardro$e for many years?
1ee your body like the wardrobe
When it is overloaded and collapses, do you call someone
in to fix it?
.o you pick up all the clothes and other $its of ru$$ish off
the floor and s'ueeEe them all $ack in again?
.o you $lame someone else for packing your wardro$e too
tightly?
.o you take the last item you tried to force in there, and
$lame it for $reaking the wardro$e?
,r, do you sort it all out and only place $ack in the
wardro$e what you really need?
+ou may have tolerated insults, hurts and re/ections most
of your life, until one day someone says the wrong thing at the
=?
wrong time and you finally !$low your top.# +ou explode with
anger and frustration. +our $ody /ust cannot take any more. (he
reaction is panic and alarm. (he slightest feeling of pressure can
send you over the top. +ou cannot take any more.
&his is what could be referred to as a panic attack, (or
an o"erflow of feelings).
(ake a deep $reath and as you exhale, allow your $ody to
relax. Fepeat this exercise three times%.
Fead the poem !5low 8e .own 7od# at the end of this
story. Fead the poem on a regular $asis until you know it off $y
heart. When you feel a sense of panic, take a deep $reath and say
!5low me down, 7od.# Continue until your $ody and mind has
relaxed.
When the feeling of panic has passed, ask yourself what is
happening in your overall life. What is going on for you at the time
you feel a sense of panic?
"ave you taken on too much responsi$ility for too many
people and too many tasks?
"ave you made too many commitments to too many
people?
"ave you allowed other people0s $elief systems to control
you?
Eor long term benefits
(ry and recognise when enough is really enough for you.
(ry and find time to unwind and relax on a regular $asis.
;urchase a relaxation tape so that you can relax in the
comfort of your own home.
(hink a$out /oining a relaxation, meditation or yoga class.
Fead chapter on !,verwhelm.#
?@
#anic Attacks
F1low me down :od
5low me down 7od. >ase the pounding of my heart $y the
'uieting of my mind. 5teady my hurried pace with the vision of the
eternal reach of time.
7ive me, amidst the confusion of my day, the calmness of
the everlasting hills. *reak the tensions of my nerves and muscles
with the soothing music of the singing streams that live in my
memory.
"elp me to know the magical, restoring power of sleep.
(each me the art of taking one3minute vacations 1 of slowing
down to look at a flower, to chat with a friend, to pat a dog, to read
a few lines from a good $ook, to go for a nice leisurely walk, to
dream.
Femind me each day of the fa$le of the hare and the
tortoise that I may know that the race is not always to the swift 1
that there is more in life than increasing speed.
Aet me look upward into the $ranches of the towering oak
and know that it grew great and strong $ecause it grew slowly and
well.
5low me down 7od, and inspire me to send my roots deep
into the soil of life0s enduring values that I may grow upward
toward the stars of my greater destiny.
*&uthor unknown.
?)
(1;)
&he 6icycle
/t could be a time for your !hysical& emotional& mental and
s!iritual check5u!.
Ha%e you checked your lifes !attern recently?
#n this story the bicycle is likened to your body.
"ow are you peddling through life? &re you going fast or
slow? &re you a$le to stop or slow down, when and if you need to?
Can you remem$er when you last carried out a complete
overhaul on your $icycle? When did you last have a complete
check3up on your $ody, mind and spirit%?
"ave you checked to see if your wheels are $alanced, or
are they $uckled and warped? "ow $alanced are you on your
$icycle? &re you wo$$ling all over the place? "ow $alanced is
your life? .o you get sufficient rest, good food, exercise, fresh air,
sunshine etc? .o you have emotional and mental sta$ility in your
life? .o you have enough love and /oy in your life%?
"ave you checked your wheels for flat or worn tyres? &re
your tyres flat and worn out due to too much weight on them or too
much wear and tear? (oo many late nights, poor diet, not enough
rest and not enough !time out#%.
.id you pump up your tyres when they went flat or did
you carry on peddling away regardless? .id you try and find out
what might have caused them to go flat in the first place? When
you first $ecame ill did you pump yourself up with pills etc, or did
you try and find the cause of your illness%?
?-
"he .icycle
Were there times when your tyres went flat and you did
not even $other to get off your $icycle to find out what was
causing the pro$lem? .id you rim the wheel and destroy the tyres
$eyond repair? When you felt unwell did you /ust carry on
regardless of the damage it was doing to your health%?
.id you continue to carry other heavy passengers and push
yourself $eyond your limit? .id you continue to work, play sport
and take on $oard other people0s pro$lems and issues, even though
you knew you were damaging your health%?
What are the $rakes like on your $icycle? .o they allow
you to slow down or stop, if and when you need to i.e. when you
$ecome unwell and your $ody is telling you to slow down, or, are
they loose and not working properly%? In an emergency will your
$rakes work efficiently enough to prevent you from running into a
wall and seriously in/uring yourself? Is it possi$le you have no
$rakes at all on your $icycle?
&re there times when you feel you are going downhill and
una$le to stop yourself? .o you feel your health is going downhill
and there is little you can do to help yourself? .o you stop and find
the cause and then take responsi$ility for your ill3health%?
Is there any light on your $icycle? Can you see where you
are at in life or where you are going? Is there any light in your life?
Can you see fun, /oy, good food and happiness in your life%?
What are the handle$ars like on your $icycle? &re they
crooked? Can you get a proper grip on them? .o you have a
pro$lem coming to grips with your life or getting a handle on life?
&re you in a /o$, relationship or home that you can en/oy
and where you can live life to the full%? &re you too heavy for your
$icycle? &re you overweight? .o you over$urden yourself
physically, emotionally or mentally%?
?2
Will this $icycle support you for the rest for your life? .o
you have a relia$le support system to last you for the rest of your
life i.e. health, family, friends, finance etc.%?
When your $icycle started to creak did you have it
overhauled or did you push it at the same pace as you had done for
many years previously? When your $ody started to show
symptoms of tiredness and ill health, did you continue to push it at
the same rate as you did when you were many years younger%?
"ave you $een loaning your $icycle to others who have
little or no value on it? "ave you $een handing over your power,
your time and your money to people who have no value on them,
or respect for you%?
What does this $icycle look like now? "ow do you look
now? "ow do you feel? "ow is your physical, emotional and
mental health%?
!hat can you do about this bicycle? (!hat can you do
about you)?
+ou can get it completely overhauled and repaired where
necessary. +ou can have a complete check3up and find out what
can $e done a$out your health and how and when you can have
these repairs carried out if necessary%.
!hen your bicycle has been repaired (when your
health is back in order) how do you keep it that way?
.o not allow any more pressure on this $icycle than is
a$solutely necessary. .o not allow any more pressure on
yourself than is a$solutely necessary%.
.o not allow anyone else to put pressure on your $icycle.
.o not allow others to put pressure on you%.
(ake any extra weight off your $icycle. ,ffload your
$aggage i.e. pro$lems, issues, any dysfunctional
?6
"he .icycle
$ehaviour, unhealthy ha$its or possi$le diet and weight
related pro$lems%.
.o not loan your $icycle to anyone unless you know they
will take good care of it. .o not give away your time,
your finance etc. indiscriminately. Check first and make
sure it will $e valued, taken care of, and appreciated%.
If you feel you do not have a sense of where you are at or
where you are going, do not $e afraid to seek help and
direction.
Aearn to use your $rakes whenever you need to slow
down, or when you feel you are going too fast. Aearn to
know your limits when it comes to yourself and those
around you.
Aearn that you can give yourself permission to slow down,
relax and stop if necessary.
Aearn to put the $rakes on whatever is damaging your
health.
Aearn how to repair and take care of your $icycle. Aearn
how to repair and take care of your own $ody, mind and
spirit. Aearn how to take care of yourself. Aearn self3help
techni'ues. Aearn to value your health, your time and your
money%.
When your $icycle is creaking, tired, slowing down, and
finding it difficult to keep on going, you must learn when
and how to stop peddling. (ake time out to rest and find
the cause. If you stop in time the pro$lem may not $e
serious. If you continue peddling and keep on going when
there is a pro$lem with your health, you may cause more
serious pro$lems%.
When your $ody is aching, tired and feels like it can0t keep
going any longer, take the time to find the cause. When you find
?9
the cause of the pro$lem, you are halfway to the cure. If this
$icycle is in a poor state of repair, you may need professional help.
If your $ody is in poor health you may need professional help i.e.
your medical practitioner, therapist etc%.
Affirmation
(oday I will give myself permission to take time out to
rest.
I will make the necessary arrangements to get a complete
check3up on my $ody, mind and spirit.
?:
A S!iritual 6ourney
(1?)
A 1piritual Gourney
How do you look?
How do you feel?
Are you on your S!iritual 6ourney?
.o you think or may$e $elieve, you are or have $een
working hard on your spiritual /ourney?
&re you $attering away, criticising, condemning, re/ecting,
analysing, $laming and pushing yourself?
&re you searching, reading and planning on what you will
do when your /ourney does $egin?
.o you $elieve that somewhere down the road, life really
will $egin for you?
&re you also impatient with yourself $ecause you are not
getting there fast enough? 4ot learning fast enough? 4ot healing
fast enough? 4ot discovering your inner3self fast enough?
.o you $elieve you are already on your spiritual /ourney or
may$e have it almost completed?
If you $elieve that the a$ove is your spiritual /ourney you
may need to read on.
#magine a "ery large timber bo..
(his $ox is you. (his is the great $eing that you are. (his
is all of you inside and outside. +ou may $e a$le to see the outside
of this $ox, $ut you may also have an awareness of what is inside
the $ox.
?<
"ow was this $ox made? Was it made with love or with
anger?
"ow does it look? "ow do you look, how do you feel%?
Is it painted all over, covering the cracks? "ave you $een
covering up and painting over issues and pro$lems in your
life%?
Is it all out of proportion? Is your life in proportion, your
physical, emotional and mental health or are you all out of
proportion%?
Is this $ox solid? &re you solid in your $elief systems or
are you easily moved, even though it is not for your greater
good or the greater good of others%?
Is this $ox empty? .o you feel empty? .o you make
empty promises to yourself and others or do you treat
yourself well with the good things in life%?
Is this $ox stuffed to capacity to the point of overflow
where you cannot take anymore%?
Is this $ox at $reaking point? &re you at $reaking point%?
4o$ody $ut you knows what really is in this $ox. 5ome or
all of what is in this $ox may have $een stuffed in there many years
ago or over many years. +ou may have stuffed it to capacity or you
may have allowed or helped others to pack it to capacity or to
$reaking point. +ou may have forgotten what you have put in this
$ox or why.
.o you know what is holding this $ox together holding
you together%?
Is it held together with old rusty screws, nails, and hinges
etc, that someone else dumped, someone who had no
further use for them? Is it their ru$$ish that is filling your
$ox and holding it together other people0s $elief systems
and conditioning%?
?=
A S!iritual 6ourney
Is this $ox well held together? &re you well held
together? .o you have a strong $elief system%?
Is this $ox $arely held together, frayed at the edges? &re
you frayed at the edges, frayed nerves%?
Is the lid tightly screwed down so that no one can get in,
and worse still, you cannot get out? .o you keep a tight
lid on life at all costs, never really sharing or allowing
others to share your life with you%?
&re the hinges on the lid rusty and difficult to move? &re
you inflexi$le and difficult to move%?
Is the lock $roken on your $ox? *roken $oundaries $y
yourself and $y others%?
Is there a sense of emptiness in your life? +ou may have
had difficulty holding onto the good things in life%.
,n the other hand is this $ox empty? +ou may not have a
lot to show for your life i.e. achievements, happy
memories, positive learnings, $ut may$e you did not
collect much ru$$ish on your /ourney either%.
Is this $ox full of woodworm? Is there hurt, anger or
resentment eating away at your insides%?
Is this $ox cold and damp inside? 4o love, /oy or fun in
your life%?
,ne day someone may have suggested, that this /ourney
you are on is not a spiritual /ourney at all. What did you do then?
.id you take a good long look at this $ox !you# and decide to
dismantle it, re/ecting all that is yourself? .id you proceed to hack,
chop and saw away at this $ox? .id you start intensive work on
yourself such as therapies, counselling, self help classes and
workshops%?
??
+ou must remem$er this $ox could $e over :@ years old. &
sudden onslaught could shatter it to pieces. It could have taken you
many years for this $ox !you# to have reached this stage, stuffed to
capacity or neglected completely. .o you honestly think that if you
dismantle this $ox, you will $e a$le to move on immediately? +ou
are not going to sort out this $ox in a few short hours.
Femem$er it is $eing with yourself that starts the healing
process. It is accepting yourself that allows you to move on. +ou
may need help to sort out the gar$age you have collected. +ou are
the $ox. +ou can run away from the mess $ut you cannot run away
from yourself. +ou are still the great $eing you always were. +ou
the core $eing has not changed.
+ou may need help, to discard the contents of this $ox,
which are no longer of any value to you.
+ou may need to clean up and repair this $ox.
+ou may need to replace the old screws with new ones
new ideas, new $elief systems%.
+ou may need to repair the lid so that it opens and closes
more freely. *e more flexi$le with yourself and others
and do not restrict yourself or your learnings%.
+ou may need to fit a new lock on the $ox so that it is
secure. Create new $oundaries for yourself and others%.
+ou could change the shape and look of this $ox if you
like. +ou could $egin a new healthy exercise and healthy
eating programme%.
+ou may need to scrape away the layers and layers of
paint that are covering up the cracks and woodworm. 5top
covering up dysfunctional or addictive $ehaviours%.
+ou may need to learn to deal with your feelings, rather
than $lock them and allow them to $uild up inside you, i.e.
)@@
A S!iritual 6ourney
deal with your hurts and angers so that they do not turn to
resentments that eat away at your insides.
8ost of all you may need to learn to love yourself and see
yourself as the great $eing you truly are.
+ou may need help from a num$er of different sources do
all of this. &fter all many different people created the parts for this
$ox. +ou got help to $e who you are up to this moment with all
your discrepancies. +ou yourself had a part in making this $ox
what it is today, in choosing the carpenters, the tradesmen, your
parents, your family, your friends etc. +ou now have a choice what
type of carpenters, or trades people will help you repair this $ox
i.e. therapists, family, colleagues and friends.
(his $ox !you# are who you are. +ou will always $e who
you are. +ou can improve and change how you $ehave. +ou can
change your appearance. +ou can change how you react and
interact with others $ut you will always $e you, with responsi$ility
only for yourself.
+ou are the great energy, the great $eing that has chosen to
$e here for this learning in this lifetime.
;lease do not /udge yourself. +ou worked with the only
knowledge you had. +ou may see your spiritual /ourney from a
different perspective at this point in time. +ou may like what you
have /ust read and you may not like any of what you have /ust read,
either way it is okay.
If you have learned even one small lesson or made one
small discovery a$out yourself, then this story has $een
worthwhile. If this has happened, you really are on your spiritual
/ourney.
(he only way now is forward.
)@)
Aight a candle.
5it down and congratulate yourself.
&sk for help from your guides, your angels, 7od, to allow
you to feel and express your feelings.
+ou may need professional help to re3awaken and process
old $uried memories and feelings. If we do not feel we
cannot heal%.
;ractice on a daily $asis asking yourself the following
'uestions.
"ow do I feel?
&m I tired? What can I do a$out it? 7ive yourself
permission to rest%.
&m I unhappy? What is the cause of my unhappiness?
&llow yourself time to answer this honestly and find out
what you can do a$out it%.
&m I sad? "ave you unresolved grief, hurts etc? &llow
yourself time for grieving and getting in touch with your
hurts. Dind out who or what is causing or triggering them%.
&m I angry? What is triggering my anger?
.o I feel an in/ustice has $een done to me? If so, allow
yourself to feel the anger. If an in/ustice has $een done,
you are entitled to feel angry.
&m I feeling guilty a$out someone, or something I did? If
this is so, acknowledge your guilt%.
7uilt can $e a very controlling emotion. In order to stop
guilt controlling you, especially if you did or said something
hurtful or harmful through lack of awareness, it is necessary to
repeat to yourself and othersH !It was the $est I could do with the
)@-
A S!iritual 6ourney
knowledge I had at that time. It is not necessarily what I would do
now with the awareness and knowledge I now have.#
&m I fearful? &m I allowing fear to control me?
&m I feeling helpless and hopeless? Femem$er you are
helpless and hopeless over everyone and everything $ut
yourself. +ou are never hopeless over yourself. +ou have
everything you will ever need for you on your /ourney
through life%.
-"ery time you repeat these e.ercises
you further yourself on your spiritual $ourney.
&his spiritual $ourney is your life.
Affirmation
I call on my 7od, my guides and my angels to support and
guide me on my /ourney.
)@2
(1@)
&he :old 4ugget
"he gold nugget is the core you& the !erfect you.
/magine a %ery dark& dee! and murky !ond.
(here may $e very little life in this pond. It may feel for
you that life has $ecome stagnant, with very little movement. +ou
may feel that you are una$le to move on with your life. It may look
as if there has $een very little life in this pond for many years.
*ut there is something amaEing at the $ottom of this pond
something amaEing within you%. It is covered in dirt, weeds etc.
$ut it is still perfect. It is still as perfect as the day it was $uried
there. "ere is $uried a solid gold nugget.
(his is the core you. (hat perfect $eing in this dark pond
su$merged in life. +ou may not $e a$le to see your way out. +ou
may feel fear at the depths you may have to travel to find that core
you, 1 the you who $ecame $uried and lost many years ago.
&ll the mud that surrounds you is all the pain, hurts and
re/ections that life has hurled at you.
+ou are still perfect. It is that which surrounds you that
caused you and others to $e $linded to your core $eing.
(oday take time out for you. It is time to rediscover you.
(his $eautiful gold nugget !you# deserves to $e $rought
$ack into the light. +ou may have $een a $a$y when you lost sight
of !you# the real !you# $ut now you are an adult claiming $ack
your true self. (hat perfect core $eing is -ou.
)@6
"he 7olden 8ugget
+ou may need help to delve $ack into the darkness that has
surrounded you, $ut remem$er that the real you has not gone
anywhere. (his sparkling gold nugget which is you% deserves to $e
cherished. It deserves all the good things that life has to adorn it
with. It deserves all the $est life has to offer.
(his golden nugget is yours.
It always was yours.
It is you.
It always was you.
Affirmation
(oday is the first day of the rest of my life.
I will do something for myself today 1 no matter how
small.
I will rediscover my core $eing.
8y core $eing is perfect.
)@9
(%A)
#mpatience
$o you ha%e a sense of im!atience with yourself& with
other !eo!le or with life itself?
Ha%e you felt life has been im!atient with you?
Ha%e you felt others ha%e been im!atient or intolerant
with you and your ourney through life?
Are you like the tiny bird that is now afraid to fly because
of someone elses im!atience?
Has your im!atience damaged someone else and inhibited
their growth and their ability to fly?
What would you do if you saw a $ird0s nest with eggs
which were almost hatched out? Would you decide it was time the
little $irds were out, even though you did not know when the eggs
were laid? .o you even know what type of $ird laid these eggs?
.o you know how many leaves, seeds, or how much fruit it will $e
necessary to have on the trees, to coincide with the $irth of the
little $irds? .o you know what type of weather conditions are most
suita$le for these particular $irds, or what type of food they will
need? When the little $irds start to peck their shell to start their
/ourney in life, do you decide to speed up this process and $reak
the shell for them?
Could it $e that these little $irds were only checking their
strength $y pecking their shell? Could it $e that they were /ust
preparing for life outside their shell? (hese little $irds knew they
would need the strength to $e a$le to $reak a soft shell, $efore
em$arking on their /ourney and surviving outside in the $ig harsh
world.
)@:
/m!atience
If you hasten his /ourney you may damage the chick, and
leave him permanently scarred and una$le to cope with life. +ou
may physically damage him so that he may never fly. +ou may
mentally damage him $y taking away his confidence to do things
for himself. +ou may also create fear in him $ecause he does not
know if you are attacking him or trying to help him. &ll he did was
to knock and let you know he was thinking of leaving his safe
domain. .id you then move in and take control?
"ow many times after an accident or trauma have you seen
a child or an adult moving along at a nice steady pace? +ou may
then decide that it would $e $etter and more $eneficial to all, if
their rate of recovery could $e speeded up. +ou may do this $y
encouraging them to try and forget what has happened and move
on from their trauma, or you may encourage or sometimes insist on
them walking further and faster without their crutches. (hese can
$e emotional or physical crutches%. (he pro$lem is that you do not
really know them, their limits or their capa$ilities. +ou may $e
trying to make them move at the speed you think they should $e
travelling.
Aike the chick leaving it0s shell, they are moving into new
territory and only they know when it is safe to move forward and at
what speed.
"ave you $een impatient with your children? "ave you
wished they would grow and mature faster? "ave you tried to
pressurise and push them through each stage of their education and
development?
&re you impatient with your partner, other family
mem$ers, employees, friends or work colleagues? &re you
impatient in your everyday communication with people you meet
e.g. shop keepers, petrol pump attendants, other drivers on the
road, someone trying to cross at a pedestrian crossing 1 do you
show your impatience $y $eeping your horn, 1 flashing your lights,
1 revving your engine and giving hand signals to hurry up? &re
you impatient when your food is not ready when you expect it? .o
)@<
you give curt and short replies to 'uestions you do not have the
patience to give full answers to?
"ave you $een impatient with someone who is sick or
in/ured, continually asking when they will $e $ack at work again?
&sking when they will $e well enough to finish that /o$ they
started for you. (his is despite the o$vious signs, that they have not
fully recovered from their accident or illness? Can you allow them
to heal and $ecome healthy again at their own natural speed of
recovery? If you insist on them letting go of their crutches $efore
they are ready, they may fall and cause irrepara$le damage to
themselves. (hey may also lose confidence in their own a$ilities to
act and think for themselves, emotionally, mentally, and
physically. (hese people may $e mem$ers of your family, your
children, your partner or your friends $ut you must remem$er that
their pace is not your pace.
&heir learning is not your learning.
3a"e you been impatient with others on their $ourney?
3a"e you been impatient with yourself on your
$ourney?
+ou may $e an impatient type of person, without $eing
consciously aware of this. *ut when you do $ecome aware of how
your $ehaviour is affecting yourself and those around you, it is
your responsi$ility whether to continue with this $ehaviour or not.
It is also the responsi$ility of those around you, whether they allow
your impatience to move them at a faster pace than is comforta$le
or safe for them.
Affirmation
I will not attempt to hasten the /ourney of others.
I will learn patience with others.
I will learn patience with myself.
)@=
"he "oy
(%1)
&he &oy
All the talents and all the abilities you will e%er need& will
come to you naturally and without force.
+hat ha!!ens when you try to force a talent& ability or a
situation? /s life a ne%er5ending struggle for you? +hat ha!!ens
when you do not make use of or misuse the talents and natural
abilities you inherit and carry through many incarnations?
#magine a house with many rooms.
&here are many toys in each room.
+ou are the house. (he room is the facility you have to
learn and play in. (he toys are the talents and a$ilities you have, to
help you learn and deal with relationships, /o$s, family and
everyday occurrences in life.
5ee a child who is playing with a toy. (his toy is not
suita$le for this child. It could $e too advanced or complicated for
him. >ventually he realises this toy will not work the way he wants
it to. +ou see his frustration and offer to help him resolve the
pro$lem, $ut he wants to do it himself. +ou offer him a more
suita$le toy, $ut he re/ects it completely. "e is hell $ent on making
this particular toy work. +ou try to distract him $y asking him if he
would like to go for a walk with you. "e is not interested. "e
intends to force this toy to work.
"e does not see his own limitations or the limits of how
much pressure and force this toy will endure. "e $ecomes more
and more annoyed, angry and frustrated. "e proceeds to $ang the
toy on the floor. (here is the possi$ility at this point that he is
going to $reak the toy. +ou tell him to stop, $ut he does not listen
)@?
to you. If someone does not remove this toy, he will definitely
$reak it and it will $e of no use to him or anyone else. +ou now
$ecome angry and frustrated with him. Father than see him
completely destroy the toy, you remove it. +ou know this toy
would $e more suita$le for another child.
(his child may have $een afraid to let go of the toy in case
he did not get another one, or that he would $e seen as having
failed. *ecause of all the frustration and exertion, he is now
exhausted and una$le to play with another toy. ,nce the toy has
$een removed, he may listen to you and your suggestions. "e will
eventually see that there are many more suita$le toys for his
particular needs and learnings.
+ou may persist for years, in trying to force a particular
partnership, /o$ or relationship to work, regardless of the numerous
signs indicating the amount of damage it is causing to $oth
yourself and others.
It may take you longer to complete certain tasks or /o$s.
+ou may feel exhausted when you are finished. +ou may feel you
are unsuited to this particular /o$, $ut you have a resistance to
letting go of it, in case it would appear you had failed or were not
capa$le of making it work like it was with the toy%.
Aike the child you will either $reak the toy, or someone
will take the toy from you. 5omeone else gets your /o$, or you may
have to give up the /o$, $ecause of ill health or exhaustion and now
you are una$le to work. 4ow you are una$le to play with a
different toy /o$% more suited to your particular talents.
Where a relationship is not working for you, you may
$ecome o$sessed with making it work. (his is not good for you or
the other person. +ou are wasting a valua$le lifetime in forcing
something to work, which does not come naturally. (here is a
possi$ility you may have out3grown the relationship. ,ut3grown
the toy, or the toy was $eyond your coping a$ilities in the first
place.
))@
"he "oy
Is it a fear of letting go of the relationship, or of $eing on
your own that forces you to persist? If you do not let go of the
relationship, you may lose it anyway. 5omeone else may arrive on
the scene, when they see how you are struggling, and remove your
partner your toy%.
What a$out the things you purchase or attain for yourself,
which are not suita$le for you? .o you $uy unsuita$le clothing for
yourself and try to make them fit, regardless of the fact that you
feel uncomforta$le and restricted in them? .o you have unsuita$le
transport for your particular needs and lifestyle $ut you insist on
making it travel at a speed not recommended for it, or safe for you?
.o you overload it $eyond its capacity? .o you try to make it what
you want it to $e, until it eventually $reaks down? 4ow it is of no
use to you or anyone else, like the child 1 you $roke the toy.
What a$out food that does not agree with your digestive
system? .o you continue to eat it even though your $ody is
re/ecting it? .o you take medication to com$at the harmful effects
of certain foods and drinks on your $ody? When your system
$reaks down eventually, do you wonder what has happened to your
health? 4ow you are of little good to yourself or to anyone else.
+ou may have $ecome so engrossed in making particular
toys talents% work for you, that you have failed to see all the other
functional, suita$le and appropriate toys talents%, which are readily
and easily availa$le to you.
5ometimes what can happen is that some or all of your
toys are removed $efore you can $reak them. +ou may have a pre3
arrangement with your guides that at a certain stage in your life,
they would remove one or all of the toys that were unsuita$le for
you. +our guides may do this to create space for more suita$le
toys, so that you can learn from them and en/oy them.
(he $iggest pro$lem now may $e that one or all of your
toys may already have $een removed or $roken, and so you have
nothing left. (hat /o$ you did not change when you had the chance
)))
may now have $een taken from you. +ou are now out of work.
+ou had a choice at all times whether to let go of the /o$
voluntarily or not let go of the toy $efore you $roke it or it was
taken from you%.
"ave you let go now $ecause you have no choice? Was
your /o$ taken from you and given to someone to whom it was
more suita$le? 8ay$e you were not doing your /o$ as well as
expected. 8ay$e this /o$ did not suit your particular a$ilities.
8ay$e your health let you down when you tried to force your $ody
$eyond its capa$ilities. 4ow you cannot work for yourself or
anyone else. +ou $roke yourself and the toy%.
(he pro$lem may now $e that you are without a partner or
a /o$. 5omeone else may have stepped in and removed your
partner, or taken over your /o$ rescued the toy%. (his may $e
prearrangement with your guides to do so, when they could see you
could no longer cope with the situation, relationship or /o$
anymore.
!hy did you perse"ere for so long?
Was it a fear of letting go of the relationship? Was it a fear
that may$e there would not $e another relationship for you
another toy%? Was it $ecause of a fear of failure, that you
persisted in trying to make this relationship work, despite the fact
that $oth of you were at $reaking point. "ave you left this
relationship this toy% $roken and $eyond repair for yourself or
anyone else to en/oy or learn from?
Femem$er you had free will to voluntarily let go of this
relationship this toy%. 5ometimes it is only when all our toys our
relationships, worldly possessions, health or /o$% are taken from us,
do we realise we were struggling with something or someone, that
was unsuita$le for us in the first place.
+ou may $e left in a $are room sitting on the floor. +ou
may now $e on your own. +ou may now realise the toys you were
playing with and trying to force to work, were not suita$le for you.
))-
"he "oy
(hey were not suita$le for your learnings, your growth, your
evolvement or your greater good.
Initially when you were forcing these toys to work, it may
have appeared they were working for you, $ut long term and at a
deep su$conscious level you knew they could never work for you
the way you wanted them to. +ou need to !go with the flow# in
order for life to $e harmonious and happy.
(ry not to spend your life trying to change someone or
something to work the way you think it should work. If it does not
come naturally you may try to force it. If you force it, you will
$reak it. Aearn to know and respect your own limitations, and the
limitations of who and what is around you. .o not $e afraid to let
go of that which may not $e suita$le for you.
At what point does a child decide a toy is not suitable
for him?
(he wise child will walk away from this toy and find a
more suita$le toy. (his child does not need to wreck the toy wreck
his health trying to make a toy work that is not suita$le for him%.
(he wise adult will also know when it is time to walk away and let
go of that /o$, or relationship etc, or anything that is not suita$le
for him.
Did you ask for :od2s help?
5ometimes when you ask for 7od0s help his response may
not $e what you expect it to $e. 5ometimes 7od removes the things
in life, which are not for our greater good or the greater good of
those around us. (hese are like the toys you are playing with. +ou
may not $e learning from these toys. Dorcing your $ody to work
$eyond its capa$ilities is also similar to forcing the toy. (he
relationships, /o$s etc, which you are trying to force to work or
will not let go of, despite it $eing o$vious they are not suita$le for
you, are also the toys you are $reaking.
))2
5ometimes you may $reak the toy and harm yourself in
doing so, or 7od may remove your toys relationships, /o$ health
and lifestyle% so that you can no longer do yourself or anyone else
any more harm. -ou may not feel it is for your greater good at this
moment in time. -ou may $e feeling very annoyed and frustrated,
at how 7od has responded to your cry for help.
&oday sit down and ask yourself these 0uestions and
answer the 0uestions honestly.
&m I efforting in my work?
&m I pushing a work colleague, friend, child, parent or
other family mem$er $eyond endurance and $eyond their
capa$ilities?
&m I pushing myself $eyond my limits and capa$ilities?
&m I efforting to make my relationships work?
&m I trying to force my partner into making our
relationship work despite all the o$vious signs of
incompati$ility?
&m I overloading my physical, emotional and mental
$odies and not recognising my limitations?
&m I exhausted and in ill health with all the pressure I
have placed on others and myself?
Affirmation
I can change me.
I can change my attitudes.
))6
"he "oy
I can learn to let go of that which is unsuita$le for me or
that which is not for my greater good or for the greater
good of all.
I can have a life without efforting.
I can have new learnings new toys%.
# gi"e myself permission to a"ail myself
of that which is best suited to me
and for my greater good
and the greater good of all.
))9
(%%)
'"erwhelm
/s e%erything and e%eryone ust too much for you at the
moment?
Are you in o%erwhelm?
/s someone you know in o%erwhelm or o%erflow?
Are you unable to take any more?
/s e%erything too much 9 e%en the good things in life?
"he symbol of the cu! is symbolic of your body.
"he symbol of the bin is also symbolic of your body.
,verwhelm is too much of anything, good or $ad. When a
cup is overflowing it does not matter what caused it to overflow,
whether it is good or $ad. When it is full to capacity the slightest
drop over and a$ove will cause it to overflow.
+our $ody is similar to that cup. Aike the cup, if the
physical $ody has too much food, good or $ad, it will overflow. If
your emotional $ody has too much to cope with it, it will overflow
or go into overwhelm.
Warnings appear from time to time i.e. physical illness,
emotional out$ursts, panic attacks and depression. (his is your
$ody telling you that it /ust cannot take anymore.
,verwhelm can occur from too much work, or taking on
$oard too much responsi$ility, especially that which does not
concern you. 5ee the $ody as a $in. -ou fill the $in to the top, $ut
someone comes along and puts an old newspaper in on top of all
your ru$$ish. (he lid $lows off the $in you $low your top%. (he
)):
:%erwhelm
person who put in the last piece of ru$$ish gets the $lame, $ut what
a$out all the ru$$ish you had stored in the $in for all those years?
.o you have a notice on your $in saying, !.ump your
ru$$ish here?# .o you pro/ect a message, !&nyone who has a
pro$lem 1 I will solve it?# .o you take other people0s issues on
$oard until it all $ecomes too much for you?
Imagine a day when you were feeling tired. +ou had a $ad
night0s sleep twisting and turning. +ou had a list of chores to do in
town, so you set off intending to do the minimum. +ou park your
car, $ut take a chance on not putting a parking ticket on it, as you
do not intend to delay very long. +ou start off walking down the
street. Dirst you go to the post office. +ou forget it is Driday and
pension day, so there is a 'ueue a mile long. +ou eventually go to
pay your electricity $ill and $uy a few light $ul$s. &fter this you
go to the $ank and find another 'ueue there. +ou patiently wait $ut
$y this time your $ack is $eginning to ache. +ou go to the $utcher
for two lam$ chops and some sausages, $ut having seen some
$argains, you decide to $uy an extra half doEen items.
4ext, you go to the vegeta$le shop, where of course
instead of $uying the minimum of vegeta$les, you decide to $uy
the full weeks supply. +ou are already overloaded and the car is at
the opposite end of town. &s you struggle $ack to the car you pass
the flower shop, and there in the window is a plant that would $e
lovely on your kitchen window, so you $uy this also. +ou now
have a$out five $ags and only two hands.
!here is the $oy in all this?
&t last you spot the $akery where you usually get a lovely
freshly $aked apple tart. (he trou$le is you can $arely carry it, $ut
in you go and $uy it anyway so you can en/oy a slice with a cup of
tea $efore the kids get home. +ou are struggling $ack to your car
when your next3door neigh$our 5heila sees you. 5he rushes over to
you with a letter saying, !8ary you will $e passing a letter $ox,
could you drop this in for me, I0m already late to collect the
))<
children from school?# +ou look at her in horror and think to
yourself, !What does she think I am?#
5heila did not know you were in overflow when she asked
you this small favour. +ou start to cry. 5heila rushes off saying,
!I0ll do it myself if its too much trou$le.# (his makes you feel even
worse. (his letter only weighs a$out )oE. +ou will $e passing the
letter$ox, $ut this small extra task puts you into overflow
1!overwhelm.# +ou get to your car only to find you have got a
parking fine.
.oes any of this sound familiar? ,n your way home you
get delayed $y road works and are not home $efore the kids. (hey
are hungry and looking for their dinner.
4ow you are in total o"erwhelm.
+ou have a pounding headache. +ou don0t know where to
turn. 5ome survival mechanism might kick in. +ou eventually feel
so illB you are una$le to carry on. 4ow that you are unwell you feel
it is accepta$le to ask for help to sort out your shopping and get
some rest. +ou phone your hus$and, and ask him if he could come
home early from work $ecause you feel unwell. When your
hus$and comes home every$ody starts fussing and running around
you and attempting to help you, $ut no$ody understands your
overwhelm. (hey were not involved in overloading your system 1
you were. +ou did not realise your own limitations until it was too
late. "ow long have you $een over3$urdening yourself?
Do you need to get sick in order to learn how not to
o"erload your system?
(he children looking for their dinner would not cause
overwhelm, $ut that added to all the other events, did. >ven if
someone made you a cup of tea, the effort of drinking it could $e
too much for you at this point in time. It can all $ecome too much.
))=
:%erwhelm
3ow can you learn?
*y limiting yourself to what you feel capa$le of doing on
certain days.
(ry not to $e too /udgmental of yourself.
&sk yourself is there a pattern to your $ehaviour? If so
where did this pattern $egin?
Aearn to ask for help.
Aearn to let go of what you do not need.
Feward yourself on a regular $asis 1 not /ust when all the
chores are finished and the children are tucked up in $ed.
Aearn to deal with issues as they happen.
Aearn to create and maintain your $oundaries.
Aearn to recognise and accept your limitations.
Check your !$in# on a regular $asis.
Aearn that you can change yourself, $ut you cannot change
anyone else.
.o not leave yourself availa$le for others to dump their
ru$$ish upon you.
Aearn to love yourself.
Aearn that if you leave your $in at the gate with a sign
saying, 1 !.ump here# 1 people including family and
friends% are more likely to dump their ru$$ish in your $in,
rather than take their ru$$ish home with them.
&s you learn to take care of yourself, you may find that
you are feeling $etter physically, emotionally and mentally,
sleeping well, en/oying life and most of all, are not allowing your
$in to $ecome overloaded. It can $e $eneficial to your physical,
))?
emotional and mental health to check your $in on a regular $asis,
to see how full or how empty it is.
Affirmation
(oday I will check my $in.
I will dump what I do not need.
I will not allow others to dump their ru$$ish on me.
I will learn to create limits for myself.
I will learn to recognise when I am pushing myself $eyond
my limits.
I will learn to recognise when I am overloading my
system, physical, emotional and mental.
I will learn to say !no# to others and myself.
I will learn I do not need to $ecome ill $efore I can ask for
help.
)-@
"he Car
(%*)
&he Car
$o you ha%e a *uery about your general health and well5
being?
Are you eating the foods best suited to your bodys
!articular needs?
Are you getting sufficient rest?
How many miles ha%e you clocked u! on your car 0your
body1?
(he car in this chapter is taken to sym$olise the human
$ody. Ceeping this image in mind, ask yourself if you have $een
driving yourself too hard or too fast? "ave you $een allowing
others to drive you too hard? &re you $urning yourself out? (he
red warning light may $e flashing for some time, $efore you
$ecome aware of it.
If you were given a car and told it would have to last you
ninety years, how would you look after it? Would you drive it
recklessly or would you drive it with care? Would you drive it as
fast as you could at every opportunity? Would you put a duster
over the red warning light, so that you could not see it? Would you
use second grade petrol or use old oil in the engine? Would you
leave the engine running when the car had stopped, and never give
it a chance to cool down? When something went wrong with it,
would you ignore the pro$lem until something more serious went
wrong, and only then attend to it? Would you allow any$ody and
every$ody to drive it, use it and a$use it?
Do you honestly think this car would last you "ery long
if you continued treating it in this way?
)-)
&lternatively, you could make sure that you use the correct
oil for the engine, drive it at a comforta$le pace, switch off the
engine whenever it was not in use and carry out any necessary
repairs as soon as they are needed.
+our $ody is sym$olised $y the car. +our $ody must last
you a lifetime. If you want it to withstand the rigors of modern
living, you must learn how to look after it.
3ow can this be done?
*y learning when to switch off your engine, allowing your
$ody, mind and spirit to cool down and relax.
*y seeking out new ways to improve your life and general
well3$eing.
*y always moving at a pace which is comforta$le for your
$ody.
*y taking care to consume only those foods or drinks
which agree with your $ody.
*y not allowing yourself to $e pushed faster or harder than
is safe or comforta$le for you.
*y protecting yourself from people who disregard your
feelings and limitations.
*y taking responsi$ility for your own health and well3
$eing.
8ost importantly $y learning how to follow your intuition
and gut feelings. In so doing you will instinctively know
when to slow down and check your health.
<eflection
Aight a candle for yourself. *reathe deeply and slowly.
When you feel 'uiet and relaxed reflect upon the following prayerH
)--
"he Car
7od gi%e me the courage to rest my racing mind and body.
7i%e me the courage to res!ect my !hysical limitations.
Hel! me to say no to others without feeling guilty.
7i%e me the courage to lo%e and res!ect myself as / really
am.
7i%e me the courage to ask for hel! when / need it.
7od / thank you for the wonderful gift of life.
Hel! me to take res!onsibility for my life and to make the
choices in life that are for my greater good and the greater
good of all.
Affirmation
I recognise my need to slow down and relax.
I choose to stay healthy in $ody, mind and spirit.
)-2
(%,)
8inimising
$id you e%er feel someone was attem!ting to minimise
what was ha!!ening for you?
$id you feel angry and annoyed when this ha!!ened?
$id someone e%er say to you when you com!lained about
something& :h come on& it cant be that bad& look at so and so&
and how they are and how they co!e& they are worse off than you
and they are not com!laining?
Ha%e you e%er tried minimising what has been ha!!ening
for someone else by also saying& /ts not that bad& look at so and
so& look at how they co!e with all their !roblems?
"ave you yourself or did anyone ever minimise your
physical, emotional or mental pain? .id you ever feel someone
was minimising what was happening for you? "ave you ever tried
to minimise what was happening for someone else $y saying, !It
can0t $e that $ad, you0re looking fine to me?#
Imagine you are in a restaurant and as you are passing a
ta$le, you accidentally lightly hit off the foot of another person.
(his person reacts very strongly screaming and shouting at you.
+ou are shocked and amaEed at the out$urst. +ou say, !I $arely
touched you.# (his person is in tears and still very angry. (he
reaction of this person does not /ustify what you did, or so you feel.
+ou look at them and say, !,h for 7od0s sake get a grip on
yourself its not that $ad, I know I $arely touched youM# +es to a
certain extent you are right 1 what you did was not all that $ad, $ut
telling this person it is not all that $ad is minimising their pain.
)-6
4inimising
What you do not know is that this person had $roken their
leg some years ago. (hey have recurring pain since the event and it
was necessary for them to undergo surgery in the recent past to
reset the $roken $one. (his person had $een out of work for some
time, and this night out was a special treat to help cheer them up.
&s you walked past this person lightly hitting their foot, their $ody
contracted in fear, from the memory of pain from the original
in/ury. (his pain may have $een reinforced over and over again $y
other incidences in this person0s life. +ou did not cause their pain
to $e so severe, $ut you triggered it. +ou were responsi$le for what
you did, $ut not for their reaction to it.
3ow many times do we minimise emotional pain?
When we see someone crying over what we see to $e a
minor incident, we may say to him or her !Its not that $ad, look at
so3and3so and how $ad it was for them and they didn0t complain or
get upset.# (his is minimising emotional pain. "ow can any one of
us know or $egin to know how many hurts or how much pain etc,
has $een triggered $y this what we are calling a% minor incident?
5ometimes we say or do something that triggers an
emotional out$urst. >very memory a$out a similar incident may
come to the fore, especially deeply suppressed and painful
memories. (he out$urst, which we sometimes call over3reaction, is
like an overflow. (he $ody cannot take anymore and it goes into
overwhelm. (he person experiencing the overwhelm, may not have
any insight into why they have over3reacted, or $e a$le to explain
it. .eep suppressed emotional and mental pain needs to $e
processed and dealt with in order for healing to take place.
If you have experienced or $een in the company of
someone who you may feel is over3reacting, try not to /udge them
too harshly. +ou too may have suppressed some painful memories
along the road you have travelled. ,ther people may trigger your
hurt or pain from time to time and you may react in the only way
you know how. We do not suppress happy memories 1 only
painful ones.
)-9
4o therapy can change what has happened, $ut it can
decrease the intensity of the incident, leaving it a memory, rather
than a crippling emotion. "elp is availa$le in the form of
counselling, therapy and support groups.
&he ne.t time you see someone, who is, in your opinion
o"er9reacting, stop for a moment
(ake a deep $reath
(ry not to minimise their pain.
(ry not to $e /udgemental of their reaction or their
$ehaviour.
+ou do not know the road they have travelled or the
/ourney they may $e a$out to travel.
+ou may also need to seek professional help in order to get
in touch with any painful memories, wounds and hurts you may
have experienced and suppressed, so that they can $e dealt with
and healed.
Affirmation
I will not minimise my own pain.
I will not minimise the pain of another person.
)-:
"he ;ootball 7ame
(%5)
&he Eootball :ame
$o you ha%e a tendency to get in%ol%ed in other !eo!les
games 0other !eo!les issues1?
$o you sometimes become in%ol%ed without being in%ited
to oin in?
$o you ha%e difficulty being a s!ectator& when other
!eo!le are ha%ing !roblems in their li%es?
$o you sometimes belie%e that you know best& when it
comes to resol%ing other !eo!les !roblems?
$o you ha%e a tendency to lea%e your own s!ace& when
you see issues that you do not agree with or sometimes do not e%en
concern you?
Imagine you go to a foot$all match, /ust as a spectator. 5ee
yourself standing on the sideline o$serving the game. +ou know a
little a$out the game, the rules and some of the tactics of certain
players. Drom where you stand you can see that certain players are
cheating and are not playing a fair game. +ou have already decided
which team should win. 4ot $ecause of their a$ilities, $ut $ecause
of your own personal choice and your $elief system.
Femem$er you are still /ust an o$server, $ut you decide the
referee is not treating your favourite team fairly. +ou have already
started to take sides%.
4ow I4 +,IF ">&.% you have $ecome the referee.
-ou are deciding what he should do and not do. &ll of a sudden
you are on the pitch in the middle of the game trying to interfere in
)-<
the referees decision. 4ow that you are in the middle of the pitch,
you cannot see the game clearly.
3ow do you get out of this situation?
Ask yourself, what brought you into this game in the
first place?
.o you have issues of your own that you are avoiding and
need to deal with?
&re you using this game to distract you from these issues?
+ou do not know the rules of other people0s games. +ou
do not know the full history of their past. "ow can they play out
their game with an extra player on the pitch, a player who does not
know the score, is not impartial, and is making /udgments? (hey
cannot learn and neither can you. "ave you left your space? "ave
you $een trying to $e all things to all men?
"ow many times have you tried to interfere in a family or a
friend0s situation, offering advice and making suggestions, which
you were not asked for%, on how they should live their lives? +ou
do not know their full capa$ilities or lack of them here you are
$ack on the foot$all field%. (his is your interpretation of their
game. +ou were only a spectator, $ut you decided to $e a player on
someone else0s pitch.
.id someone ask you to play in the game or merely ask
you a 'uestion a$out the game? When did you suddenly $ecome an
authority? What gives you the right, to impose or try to enforce
your $eliefs or opinions on other people?
"ow can they learn if you are on their pitch scoring,
pushing, playing and making decisions for and against them? "ow
can your family or friends learn a$out life, if you try to live their
lives for them?
)-=
"he ;ootball 7ame
:et off this pitch.
It is not yours. Aook at your own pitch and your own
game. Create your own rules. ;ut up your own goal posts. ;ick
your own team. ;lay with the team that will provide the $est
learnings for you.
+our interference may have affected the flow of other
people0s learnings and put your learnings on hold.
Can you afford to put your learnings on hold? +ou left
your space. 5omeone else could now $e filling it. +ou left your
space and $ecame the linesman, the referee and the players.
>ventually exhausted, overwhelmed and unwell you 'uit.
(he game of life goes on with or without us. "ow we
participate is our own choice. We can $e $eside, $eyond, $elow or
a$ove another human $eing 1 $ut we can never ever !$e# for them.
&he ne.t time you find yourself becoming in"ol"ed in
someone else2s game (someone else2s issues) without being
in"ited to $oin in, take a deep breath and ask yourself
What are your real reasons for getting involved in this
game?
.oes it allow you to forget your own pro$lems for a
while?
.oes it make you feel good?
&re you helping or ena$ling or trying to fix?
Is there a pattern to your $ehaviour?
&he law of the uni"erse is non9interference
Do not cross the road and tell someone what you think.
)-?
:i"e your opinion if and only when you are asked for your
point of "iew.
Affirmation
I will learn to stand $ack from other people0s games, other
people0s issues%.
If I am asked to /oin in I will make a decision whether to
/oin in or not, depending on whether it is for my greater good or
the greater good of all.
)2@
/nner ;orgi%eness
(%7)
#nner Eorgi"eness
$o you ha%e a !roblem with forgi%eness?
$o you ha%e difficulty forgi%ing yourself?
$o you ha%e difficulty forgi%ing others?
(o forgive oneself, is pro$a$ly one of the most difficult
tasks we may ever have to accomplish. ,ne possi$le reason for this
could $e that we ourselves may not have a limit, on when we have
$een punished enough, for some misdeed we feel we may have
committed. It would therefore $e very difficult for us to know
when someone else has $een punished enough for a misdeed.
When you $ecome aware that everything you do has a
knock3on effect. +ou may $ecome more aware of your every
action, and the possi$le conse'uences. +ou are responsi$le for
every action you take. >very action you take creates a reaction.
When you play a part in an event such as a ma/or accident
where another person dies, is maimed or in/ured you may
experience feelings of guilt. +ou may need to acknowledge what
part of this accident you are responsi$le for. +ou may also need to
acknowledge any feelings of guilt you may $e experiencing, as a
result of this accident. What is also important is that you do not
allow the guilt to control your life, or that you do not try to take
responsi$ility for the total event. +ou do not have a right to try to
take responsi$ility for the $ehaviour and actions of others. (hat is
their experience and their learning.
+ou can play a part in someone0s life $ut you can never $e
all of, or take responsi$ility for it.
)2)
(ake for example an accident such as a fire, where there
are four people involved. ,ne person dies as a result of their
in/uries, another person is seriously in/ured and the other two have
slight in/uries.
Without any prior arrangements, those four people meet at
a certain place and time. (he events that follow, change the course
of their lives and the lives of those around them forever. &n
accident happens $ecause of a se'uence of events, which no one
person has total control over. >ach person must take full
responsi$ility for the individual part they played in the event that
followed their meeting. 4o one person is responsi$le for the
actions or reactions of the other people involved. >very action
creates a reaction. Dor example if either person &, *, C, or .,
stayed at home on the night in 'uestion, the outcome of the night
would not $e the same. (here are no !ifs.# What happened,
happened and can only $e dealt with and healed from, $ut it can
never $e changed.
&s a result of this accident one person dies and leaves
$ehind anguish, hurt, anger and guilt. (he three who survive must
then come to terms with what has happened. (hey cannot change
it. >ach individual may need to put the part they played in the
event into perspective in relation to the total event. (he two people,
who have the least in/uries, may feel that the person with the
serious in/uries may have $een unfairly punished for their part in
the event. (he person, who is most seriously in/ured, may feel he
himself is guilty and responsi$le for the total event, $ecause of his
actions, even though in reality he is only responsi$le for the part he
played.
&ll three survivors may individually feel responsi$le for
the person who has died. (hey may individually feel guilty,
$ecause they survived and he did not. ,ne of the least in/ured may
feel guilty for the part he played and for not $eing a$le to do more,
to prevent the final outcome. (his man must realise he is
responsi$le only for the part he played, and cannot take
)2-
/nner ;orgi%eness
responsi$ility for the parts played $y the other three people or for
how they reacted, or for the final outcome.
(he situation worsened, $ecause of a se'uence of events
causing electrical failure, which suddenly left the premises in total
darkness. >ach person reacted in the only way they knew how. ,ne
individual reacting faster than the others% found himself in a
situation where he must make a frantic decision. a% (o return to
the place from where he had earlier escaped death and rescue his
three friends, or $% escape himself. "e chose the former, with little
or no regard for his own health or safety.
3e is not responsible for where they were on the night
in 0uestion or where they are today.
3e is not responsible for the part they played in the
e"ent.
3e is responsible for his part of the total e"ent, but he
is not responsible for all of the e"ent, or the outcome following
the e"ent.
"e saved the lives of three people at the time. (he fact
that one of these people died at a later stage, is not his
responsi$ility. "e is responsi$le for saving the lives of three
people, what happens after that is out of his control.
.espite the enormity of what this person has achieved in
rescuing these people, he may find at a later stage, he is
overwhelmed with guilt and remorse, $ecause of the part he played
in the events leading up to the final traumatic results.
"e is responsi$le for his own acts and deeds, $ut he is not
responsi$le for other people0s reactions. (heir reaction is $ased on
their past and how they coped with situations in the past.
If a num$er of people are involved in a trauma, or
accident, each time they meet up following the event, they may
trigger hurt, pain, sadness, anger or guilt for each other. 5ometimes
the guilt or emotion for one person can $ecome so enormous, it can
)22
affect and control them for the rest of their lives. (hey can $ecome
so controlled $y this guilt, that guilt $ecomes their reality. (hey
may find that they will continually find themselves in situations of
shame and guilt. (hey may create situations where they will
experience $lame and re/ection.
When life $ecomes harmonious for this person, a feeling of
!not deserving# can ensue. & feeling of guilt may follow, followed
$y a need to $e punished. When this happens this person is $ack on
familiar ground again. When he is $eing re/ected punished and
hurt, he may feel that this is what he deserves for the crime he feels
he has committed.
Aogic will tell him he is not guilty for the total incident,
$ut his feeling of guilt will continue to control his life until he
acknowledges the feeling, and acknowledges the part he played.
"e must learn he is only responsi$le for his part. "e must learn and
understand, that he cannot take responsi$ility for the actions or
reactions of others.
"ow does a person who is overwhelmed with guilt move
on with their lives and stop allowing guilt to control them? (he
punishment this person is inflicting on himself, may $e far greater
than the crime he $elieves he has committed.
(his person may need to separate the person they are now
from their $ehaviour. If at the time of an incident they felt what
they were doing was not wrong or harmful, then they are not
guilty. (his person may need to learn inner forgiveness.
&o release yourself from guilt you need first to
acknowledge your guilt. )ou need to learn to say to yourself
I .I. ("> *>5( I C,IA..
I had no preconceived idea of the possi$le outcome of my
actions.
I worked and acted with the knowledge I had at the time.
)26
/nner ;orgi%eness
I played a part in an incident, that was neither preordained
nor premeditated, which ended in tragedy.
I acknowledge that my actions and reactions, together with
the actions and reactions of others, resulted in an outcome
that were far reaching and $eyond comprehension and
logic.
"ow can I $egin to forgive others, if I cannot forgive
myself?
8y actions and reactions were $ased on what was
happening at the time.
;eople, who have had this type or similar types of
experiences, may need professional help to process and heal from
what has happened.
Affirmation
I separate my $ehaviour from me the person I am.
I ask 7od to forgive me, for any part I may have played in
an incident, where another person was harmed or in/ured.
I am a good and caring person.
I ask forgiveness for any past misdeeds, which I may have
done with awareness.
I thank 7od for the awareness I now have.
I cannot forgive others, until I learn inner forgiveness.
I will learn inner forgiveness.
In learning to forgive myself, I will learn to forgive others.
)29
(%;)
&he 3ub 'f &he !heel
+hat !art are you !laying in another !ersons life? +hat
!art are you !laying in the life of your !artner& family or friends?
-ou are the hub of the wheel.
+ou are the hu$ of your own wheel. +ou are the centre or
core of your own life%. +ou may have spent time $elieving you
could $e the hu$ in someone else0s wheel, the centre of someone
else0s life%. +ou can never $e the hu$ of someone else0s wheel.
(his can never $e. +ou can however $e a minor or a ma/or spoke
in someone else0s wheel and they in yours, $ut you will never $e
their hu$.
+ou need to $e in a good state of repair to keep your wheel
turning. +ou need to $e in good health physically, emotionally
and mentally to live life to the full%.
>ach hu$ needs four main spokes to keep the wheel
$alanced. (hese are the aspects of your life that support you, keep
you $alanced and help you to survive and live a healthy life.
&he four main spokes (aspects) are
"ealthy living conditions.
Dresh air and sunshine.
7ood food.
Aove.
)2:
"he Hub :f "he +heel
(his wheel can have many smaller spokes. (he smaller
spokes are the people and happenings that play a minor part in your
life. (he rim of the wheel is what holds the minor and ma/or
spokes together, the minor and ma/or aspects of your life%. (he
rim also keeps all the spokes connected to the hu$ you%.
If the rim is a $it $attered, a $it shaky, a $it thin or worn
out, it may have difficulty holding all the aspects of your life
together, or keeping the hu$ you% connected to those aspects i.e.
family, friends, life in general. If you have put too much pressure
on your health, family and friends they may $e feeling a $it worn
out, and they may have $ecome disconnected from you%.
If the hu$ is $attered and out of shape, or if it has $een
pressurised and forced to facilitate uneven or damaged spokes, it
cannot keep the wheel $alanced. If you have tried to ad/ust or
change your life, your $eliefs, your space continually to facilitate
other people, you will $e out of $alance, out of sync. It could $e
difficult for you to hold on to what is necessary, for you to survive
in life.
If one of your main spokes is damaged an aspect of your
health%, or if one of your main spokes is too lose you do not have
enough limitations in your life or on yourself%, or if one of your
spokes is out of line you do not have a sense of direction in life%,
then either of these spokes will eventually knock the other spokes
out of $alance.
(he hu$ you% could survive on three spokes for a time.
+ou could survive with three good spokes and one damaged spoke
minor ailment%. (he pro$lem is the longer the damaged spoke is
left without $eing mended, the more pressure this will put on the
other three spokes, and on the rim of the wheel. >ventually you
may lose another spoke another of the necessary resources for a
healthy life%. When the pressure is put on your wheel it is likely to
collapse at the place where the weakest and most damaged or
missing spokes are. +our wheel will not turn on /ust two spokes.
)2<
It is possi$le that all of your four main spokes are slightly
damaged. (here may $e many aspects of your life that may need
to $e tended to%. (hese spokes are $ut aspects of your life. (hey are
not your life. If you the hu$ is in a good state of repair if you have
taken good care of yourself physically, emotionally and mentally
over the years% and it then happens that your spokes and rim
deteriorate, you can repair the damage or replace them. ,n the
other hand if your hu$ has $een allowed to get into a serious state
of disrepair, it will not hold the other aspects of your life together.
+ou must first look at the hu$ you%. If there are changes to $e
made regarding your health or your life, you must first make these
changes within yourself.
)ou may need to check your hub (get a good general
check9up on yourself, body, mind and spirit). Check your
health and your general well9being. Check that the spokes you
ha"e in your hub are best suited to your particular hub.
Check that you are experiencing /oy, love, sharing, and
learning with the people who share your life.
Check that the foods you eat are the $est you can o$tain for
your particular system.
Check that the source and amount of fresh air and sunshine
you may $e receiving, are what is sufficient and $est for
you.
Check that your living conditions are healthy and are a
source of comfort and en/oyment for you.
When you take care of the hu$ you% you can show others
$y example how they can take care of themselves.
+ou can learn how not to allow too much pressure to $e
put on the hu$ you%.
+ou can learn not to ad/ust your hu$ every time you
encounter a spoke that does not fit.
)2=
"he Hub :f "he +heel
+ou can learn not to try and facilitate everyone and every
situation you encounter in life.
+ou can learn to compromise in a situation, $ut not to
compromise yourself.
If you keep the hu$ you% and wheel aspects of your life%
$alanced and in good working order you may share a life
with or encounter another likeminded wheel likeminded
person%. +ou could together support a cart another way of
$eing% that could take you on a /ourney of peace, harmony
and happiness.
Affirmation
I will check my hu$ my life% today.
I will repair or replace any damaged spokes any people or
issues in my life% that are affecting my hu$.
I will strengthen and repair the rim of my wheel.
I will resolve, heal and deal with issues, which are
affecting my life and myself.
)2?
(%?)
6lame
$o you ha%e a tendency to blame?
/s it e%erybodys fault but yours when something goes
wrong?
When you $lame you $ecome powerless. +ou give away
your power to others, to hurt or affect you in some way.
If you say, !You made me angry when you
$orrowed my car without asking,# 1 you are now $laming.
If you say, !I feel really angry $ecause you $orrowed my
car without asking,# 1 you are now dealing with your feelings. +ou
are expressing how you feel and in doing so, you are empowering
yourself.
(he other person may retort $y saying, !I did not mean to
upset you or make you angry.#
+ou can reply $y saying, !I did not say you meant it, $ut I
am saying how / feel a$out the incident.#
1aying the words =# feel> is self9empowering.
6y saying =# feel> H you are not resorting to blaming
others.
)6@
"he S!ring
(%@)
&he 1pring
Are you wound u! like a s!ring?
$o you feel u!tight?
(his story is a$out life. It is a$out how our $odies and our
minds can $e wound up like a spring that is a$out to snap.
.o you feel wound up like a spring? .o you feel wound
up today%?
.o you feel your spring is on the verge of $reaking? &re
you on the verge of $reaking down%?
Is your spring so tight it could snap at any time? &re you
so uptight you could snap at any time%?
"ow many family mem$ers, friends or work colleagues
are you allowing, !to wind# up your spring?
&re you, yourself winding up your spring, not knowing
any other way of $eing?
(his could $e either from ha$it or conditioning. &re your
muscles tight? &re you ready to take flight at a moments notice?
&re you walking on a path you do not see? &re you $reathing in air
you do not feel? Is there a frown on your forehead, from trying to
figure out your life and the lives of those around you? &re you
looking with unseeing eyes? &re your ears $locked with words and
noise you do not wish to hear anymore? &re you listening without
hearing? &re your fists constantly clenched, afraid of letting go? Is
)6)
there a knot in your gut like a coil? When you try to sleep does
your mind continue to race away?
+ou may $e feeling you can no longer slow down your
thoughts or switch them off. Is your mind so full of thoughts and
emotions, you cannot think straight anymore? .o you find when
you are a$out to relax or unwind, something happens to wind you
up again? .o you feel that you never really get to the point of
relaxation, where you feel totally unwound? .o you have a $elief
system that if you relax something will go wrong?
&he 0uestion is where did all of this begin?
It could have $een as a result of a fall or trauma your
mother experienced prior to your $irth. &s your mother0s $ody
contracted to protect itself, the $a$y0s $ody could have a$sor$ed
the shock and also contracted to protect itself. In doing so, it could
have started a lifetime of tension and a fear of letting go. & fear of
relaxing.
It could have started for you in early childhood, where you
were involved in an accident or trauma. (his could have $een
reinforced $y life0s experiences, where you learned it is not safe to
let go. !It is not safe to relax. +ou are not good enough if you
cannot keep going indefinitely, regardless of how you feel. If you
are resting you are laEy. .on0t stop. Ceep going at all costs or
something will go wrong.#
!here did you first hear these messages?
.id you have a lifetime of constant tension 1 school,
parents, work etc, which reinforced your $elief systems? !+ou
cannot relax, you cannot sit down.# .id you choose situations, /o$s
or relationships, which triggered and reinforced your tension 1 this
$eing the only reality you knew? .o you now have high
expectations of yourself? .o others have high expectations of you
also?
)6-
"he S!ring
(oday, look at this spring. (his is you. +ou may feel so
tightly wound up, you can hardly $reathe. +ou may $e afraid to let
go in case you fall apart.
Can you see any resem$lance to your life in this story? If
so what are you going to do a$out it? .o you want to do something
a$out it? If the answer is !yes# take time out to look at where you
are at in life. Aook at how life is for you at this moment in time.
What can you do to change it?
+ou could release this spring suddenly, $ring yourself to a
sudden and complete halt%. *y doing this you could damage all the
small wheels and cogs that keep you going. & $etter course of
action could $eH
5top winding up your spring.
5top allowing others to wind up your spring.
(ry and find out where it all $egan when you find the
cause you are halfway to the cure%.
+ou may need professional help to retrace your steps and
learn new life coping skills.
Aearn to $ecome aware of the holding patterns in your
$ody.
Aearn where, when, and how you hold tension in your
$ody.
Aearn to respond rather than react.
Aearn to deal with stressful situations at the time they
happen rather than internalising them, taking them on
$oard, and carrying them around with you.
Aearn you are not responsi$le for anyone $ut yourself.
Aearn to offload that which does not $elong to you other
people0s ru$$ish, other people0s issues%.
)62
Aearn relaxation techni'ues i.e. meditation, yoga or
$reathing exercises.
7ive yourself permission to take time out and relax.
(ake up a sport or activity you en/oy, rather than one you
have to work at.
*e aware of the air you $reathe, the sounds you hear and
the sounds of nature.
(ry not to $e too critical of yourself. It may have taken the
most of your life to get your spring to where it is at this moment in
time $ut it will not take a lifetime to unwind it.
1tart today.
&oday can be the first day of the rest of your life.
Affirmation
I will stop winding my spring
I will stop allowing others to wind my spring.
I will get help to unwind my spring.
I will $e patient with myself, and reward myself with each
positive change I make 1 no matter how small.
)66
#ain
(*A)
+ain
$o you feel !ain& 0#hysical& emotional or mental1?
If you are feeling pain, physical, emotional or mental, it
may $e time to look at the cause. ;ain is the $ody0s warning
system that something is wrong. If you continually $lock pain $y
taking painkillers, alcohol or anti3depressants the $ody may
$ecome severely damaged.
#s your pain being triggered and reinforced?
Deelings of pain can $e $locked out from past life traumas,
early childhood and present day traumas. Where there is severe
shock or trauma, we shut down in order to heal. (he physical $ody
will $leed, form a sca$ and eventually heal. We would not,
however, put a plaster on the wound at the time of the in/ury and
leave it for twenty or thirty years $efore we would look at it again.
If we did this the entire area around the wound would have $ecome
infected.
(his is what can happen to the emotional and mental
$odies. We may close down and suppress the feelings, which are
associated with whatever traumas that have affected us. (his can
$e a temporary shut down in order to heal, $ut for many it can $e a
lifetime of suppressed emotions and feelings. We shut down on the
feelings of pain, shock and trauma in order to heal, $ut the fear is,
if we get in touch with the feelings, we will experience all the
original pain, shock and trauma again. We must remem$er we can
never again experience the exact same pain associated with a
particular incident, even if we wanted to. We may have similar
experiences that trigger a memory, $ut never the same experience
)69
or pain. Femem$er, it may have $een you as a child who
suppressed the memory, $ut it is you as an adult who is now
dealing with and trying to heal from it.
Aet us assume for example, you had a car accident as a
young child. +ou would have experienced the physical pain of the
in/uries. (he emotional pain may $e the fear you may now $e
experiencing. +ou may have fear of travelling or fear of speed. (he
physical $ody may have healed, $ut each time you sit into a car,
the fear is triggered. (he physical $ody contracts to protect itself,
and in doing so s'ueeEes down on the physical in/ury and triggers
the pain.
-motional pain without physical pain.
+ou may at some time in your life have experienced the
loss of a loved one, through accident or illness. +ou may at a later
time $e attending a funeral of a relative or a friend. +ou do not
know the deceased, $ut the sorrow and grief around you, triggers
your own loss. +ou shed tears of sadness, not for those around you
$ut for your own loss. (his is called the trigger situation.
+ou can experience feelings of sadness, loss, grief or
anger, associated with your own memory $ut you can never have
the actual experience again, even if you wanted to.
&nother example is, if a child stays out later than the
permitted time and does not phone home. (he parents will $ecome
anxious and concerned, once a certain length of time has passed
$eyond the permitted time. &s more time passes and there is no
phone call from their child, anxiety will turn to fear. If the parents
have had a loss or $ereavement in similar circumstances, the fear
will $e much greater. (he pain of the loss is now triggered and the
$ody contracts to prepare itself for the possi$ility of $ad news.
5uddenly the child arrives home, totally unaware of the
anxiety and concern they have caused the parents. (he parents may
first feel relief, which can then turn to anger $ecause their child has
)6:
#ain
unwittingly triggered the memory of their trauma from the past,
from which they have not yet fully healed.
;ainful memories of an incident can $e stuck in the
su$conscious mind. (he memories can $e triggered when a similar
incident occurs.
>motional, mental and physical trauma is $est dealt with as
and when it happens. (his prevents the sometimes crippling after
affects.
4o therapy can change what has happened in a person0s
life, $ut it can decrease the intensity of the incident, allowing it to
$ecome a memory, rather than a crippling emotion.
Affirmation
I ask my 7od, my guides, my angels to help me deal with,
and heal from, any old memories, wounds, or hurts that I may have
suppressed.

)6<
(*1)
&he Gourney
Are you wondering why e%eryone a!!ears to be so
different from you?
"heir learning is also different from yours.
-our learnings may be similar to that of another !erson
but they will ne%er be the same.
-ou are uni*ue.
,n the /ourney through life people often stop to look for
meaning and perspective. (he lesson that this chapter seeks to
teach, is that it is not the length of time spent on this earth that
matters, $ut the way you use the time you have $een given. It is the
how rather than how long that is significant in terms of how you
live. It is the learnings you have on your /ourney and how you
a!!ly those learnings, which ultimately make you the person you
are today, and the person you would like to $ecome. +our
learnings may $e similar to that of another person, $ut they will
never $e the same.
Continuing with the analogy of life as a /ourney let us look
at the /ourneys of four people who all decided to travel from point
!&,# to their destination at point !*,# a total distance of eighty
miles.
#magine the car as your body.
When you reach the final destination, you leave your
physical $ody and move $ack into spirit.
)6=
"he 6ourney
!e will start with &om.
(om got a fast car and completed his /ourney in a very
short time. ,$viously he did not have much to learn on the way,
except to experience some minor learnings, and create learning
opportunities for the people who came into contact with him on his
/ourney. (om then returned $ack into spirit at a young age. (om
had many previous lifetimes where he availed of many of life0s
learning experiences and had little to learn this time around.
4e.t we ha"e 8ary.
8ary may choose an old $anger of a car that may take
many days for the /ourney from !&# to !*.# 5he may spend most
of the /ourney $roken down on the roadside or in the garage. 5he
may also have $roken windscreen wipers and cannot see where she
is going most of the time. 5he will eventually reach her destination
after a long life with poor vision and minor illnesses%.
4ow Goe.
Koe may choose a fairly good car and travel the scenic
route he o$serves all that is happening around him%. Koe is the
person who moves through life at a nice steady pace. "e does not
over3do anything and he lives to a ripe old age.
Einally 1am2s story.
5am gets a fairly good car $ut on 5am0s /ourney he decides
to pick up every traveller that he passes on the road. In life he takes
on relatives and friends passengers% and tries to live their lives for
them. "e sees little and learns less. "is whole /ourney is spent
making decisions, always with others in mind. (hey learn little or
nothing, $ecause 5am takes full responsi$ility for them, for their
food, their en/oyment, their health, their $ehaviour, and for their
well3$eing.
5am does not notice that his car is over3$urdened. "is
engine is $urning out and his tyres are $ald. "e travels the last part
of his /ourney in misery. "e has also $ecome irrita$le and less
)6?
tolerant with his passengers. "e does not want to stop and leave
them on the side of the road, $ecause they may not know their way.
(hey are angry $ecause he led them to $elieve he would take them
the full /ourney. 5am0s car does not make the full /ourney. 5am
$ecomes ill%. 5o his passengers have to get out and walk. 5am0s
passengers now have to take care of themselves, their lives and
their health.
(he pro$lem now is that these people have not walked
from the time they first met 5am. (hey never learned to take
responsi$ility for their own lives%. "ow can they start now? 5am
moves $ack into spirit leaving $ehind him some very angry people.
5am did not learn in this lifetime and neither did his passengers.
Are you learning in this lifetime?
&sk yourself, is there something you need to learn a$out
yourself, your /ourney or your fellow travellers?
What stage are you at on your /ourney?
&re you content and happy on your /ourney or are you
overloaded and over $urdened?
&re you denying others, their learnings $y taking them and
their issues on $oard, and not allowing them to learn for
themselves?
#t is not the length of the $ourney that is important but what we
learn on the $ourney.
Affirmation
I can make changes on my /ourney for my greater good
and the greater good of all.
(his is my /ourney and mine alone.
I am not responsi$le for anyone else0s /ourney.
I can help my fellow travellers $ut I do not need to take
them on $oard.
)9@
$um!ing 2ubbish
(*%)
Dumping <ubbish
$o you !roect a message to others $um! here?
&re you feeling over$urdened? .o you feel laden down
with other people0s pro$lems and their unresolved issues? .o you
have any awareness or insight into what is the cause of those
feelings? Is your own $ehaviour contri$uting in any way to your
feelings of $eing over$urdened? &re you taking issues on $oard
that are not yours to resolve? &re you feeling guilty or inade'uate
when you are una$le to resolve the physical, emotional and
financial pro$lems of your family or friends?
It may $e time now to take a long look at your own
$ehaviour and what you are pro/ecting. It may also $e time to take
a look at your family and friends, and see how they are reacting to
your $ehaviour and the messages you are relaying to them.
In the course of our daily lives we may collect gar$age
$oth physical and emotional. 8ost of this does not really $elong to
us. Conditioning however says that we must hold on to it, and as
time passes $y, we may forget where it came from or how we can
discard it. ,ur $odies and our minds may eventually get tired of
the $urden. &ll the old angers, hurts and in/ustices $ecome piled up
one on top of the other, and what started out as a small hurt, can
$ecome a ma/or issue.
Dor example if you throw potato skins which were once
'uite edi$le% into the dust$in and then pile in a load of ru$$ish on
top of the skins, all of this waste food eventually $ecomes rotten. If
you do not deal with minor issues as they happen and then allow
more serious issues to $e piled on top of them, all of the issues
)9)
added together over a period of time can $ecome a serious
pro$lem.
&nger is an emotion, which can $e very close to the
surface. & seemingly minor incident could cause an angry reaction.
"ow do we know how many other ma/or and minor incidences that
may $e $uried deep in the $ody and suppressed for many years?
When the $in the $ody% $ecomes overloaded and over$urdened, it
$egins to overflow.
Aet us say that your next3door neigh$our arrives at your
house one day with a large plastic $ag full of ru$$ish, and dumps
the contents on the middle of your kitchen floor. Would you tell
him that his $ehaviour is 'uite accepta$le, and that you will sort
out all his ru$$ish for him? &re you more likely to get really
annoyed and tell him in no uncertain terms how you feel, and tell
him to pick up his ru$$ish and dump it elsewhere? +our reaction
would most likely $e the latter.
Why then do you allow emotional and mental ru$$ish to $e
dumped on you $y family, relatives and friends? Is it $ecause you
are conditioned to $elieve that you must not /ust !listen# to other
people0s pro$lems $ut that you must actually take them on $oard
and sort out their pro$lems their ru$$ish% for them? +ou must
learn that other people0s pro$lems are not yours, and you do not
have the right to take on or try to sort out other people0s gar$age.
Whilst pro$lems are far from en/oya$le experiences, they
may $e !set up# at another level to provide a learning experience
for us. 5o when you take someone else0s pro$lem on $oard and
attempt to solve it, or sort it out for them, you are depriving them
of their own personal learning experience.
"ow can they learn from it? Fegardless of the pro$lem or
situation, it is still their pro$lem and in dealing with it their way, it
$ecomes yet another valua$le learning experience for them.
)9-
$um!ing 2ubbish
)ou ha"e free will at all times which allows you to
decide one of the following
a%. .o you allow others to sort out their own pro$lems, or
$% .o you take their pro$lems on $oard their ru$$ish%
and try to sort it out for them?
If you are asked for help, you can decide whether to help
or not. &fter all it is their pro$lem, their ru$$ish. (hey collected it.
(heir learning is in sorting it all out. 4one of us have the right to
attempt to deprive another person of their learnings.
Ask yourself, are you allowing others to dump their
physical, emotional or mental rubbish on you?
Ask for help to learn how to say =no.>
Affirmation
I change my sign toH
!.umping of ru$$ish is 4,( ;>F8I((>.
here anymore.#
)92
(**)
&he !alls 'f &he 3ouse
"he house in this story is what two !eo!le ha%e created.
'ach end wall of the house is each !erson in the relationshi!. "he
roof is what ties the two !eo!le together.
-ou may be !laying the !art of either of the two !eo!le in
this story. 8either of these !eo!le are right or wrong. /t is where
they are at in lifes ourney that is im!ortant. /f you are the wall
that colla!ses& it is okay. /f you are the wall that stays standing
that is also okay.
(here are two opposite end walls on a house. ,ne end wall
we could call the hus$and and the other one is the wife. What /oins
them together is the roof, the relationship $etween the two%.
(ake a situation where the roof is a $it shaky. (here may
$e a lot of pressure on the roof, financial, work related or family
pressures.
5upposing now that there is more pressure on one end of
the roof than the other. Inevita$ly this end is more likely to
collapse, $ringing with it the wall directly underneath.
Dor the purpose of identification we will see the left wall
as the hus$and and the right one as the wife.
&ake the left end wall of the house &he husband.
(he left wall was $uilt $y good $lock layers, parents% on a
good foundation, up as far as row ten. (he $lock layers mixed the
cement to the right consistency and $uilt every $lock carefully up
as far as the tenth row of $locks. (his hus$and was cared for and
well looked after until he was ten years of age%. (hen the $lock
)96
"he +alls :f "he House
layers parents% go away for a day and another $lock layer comes
in to replace them a $a$ysitter%.
(he $ehaviour of this new $lock layer was not appropriate.
"e laid a row of $locks that were !out of line.# (hey were well
camouflaged and were not noticed $y any$ody. "e a$used and
crossed $oundaries that were not his to cross%.
(he parents of this $oy return from their trip and
everything appears to $e normal on the surface. (heir son0s
$ehaviour is out of character, $ut they put this down to insecurity
$ecause of their $rief a$sence. (he parents take over again
restructuring and trying to $uild on this row of shaky $locks. It is
not clear to the visi$le eye what the matter is with the ten3year3old
$oy, and as time goes on the $adly $uilt layer of $locks $ecome
hidden away $eneath the other $locks. &part from a rather vague
memory of something happening to him around the age of ten, he
feels fine. &fter going through the various ups and downs of
teenage life, this $oy reached adulthood. "e experienced many
different and difficult relationships, $ut still did not manage to
have a close relationship with any$ody.
&he other end wall of the house &he wife.
(his mans wife from the age of one was constantly moved
from one childminder to another. "er parents put in a good
foundation, $ut after the first row of $locks they decided to
su$contract the rest of the work to different $lock layers. 8any
different people took care of this child%. >very other row was
different. (here was no consistency anywhere.
>ventually the wall was $uilt as far as the second floor,
approximately row fourteen%. &t this point her parents decided to
take over the /o$ again. (hey realised that they should have $een
there for her in her formative years, $ut they did the $est they
could. (hey /ust !plastered up# the uneven surfaces $uilt $y the
various su$contracted $lock layers, and made the wall look good to
)99
the visi$le eye good schools, good education, good clothes, good
living conditions etc%.
(his girl left school with fairly good results and got herself
a /o$. "owever, she was always a $it of a drifter. 5he never felt
settled anywhere for any length of time. &fter a certain period of
time she would sense re/ection and could leave her /o$ or home at
a moments notice this wall could move at any time%.
>ventually this man and woman meet and decide to marry.
*oth may have a slight awareness of their individual weaknesses
i.e. damaged walls%. (hey feel if there is something holding the
walls together and preventing them from falling, in this case a roof,
a marriage% then the walls may not fall. ,ne person does not know
where the flaws are in the other person0s walls, and so they erect a
roof they get married%.
5hortly after the marriage this man0s wife realised her
hus$and had ma/or issues around trust. &s the years pass these
pro$lems $ecome more o$vious and difficult to deal with. "e
refuses to allow his children to $e left alone with any$ody for
reasons even he cannot explain. "e will not allow his older
children to go out on their own and they feel he is stifling their
lives. "e and his wife have many arguments over all of this. "e
says he does not know why he has a pro$lem trusting any$ody, and
she claims that he /ust does not want to tell her. 5he suspects
something may have happened to him in early childhood, which
may have caused his ina$ility to trust.
(he pressures then start with friends, in3laws, $usiness and
financial pro$lems. &ddictive or dysfunctional $ehaviour may also
cause added pressures on the marriage. >ngaging in this type of
$ehaviour can $e denial that there is a pro$lem in the marriage, or
it could $e a learned coping mechanism from the past.
(he fact that core issues and traumas were not dealt with
and resolved $efore marriage, or in the early stages when it was
o$vious there were pro$lems, the marriage may now $e in
)9:
/eopardy. &s time passes and no resolution to the core issues have
$een discovered or resolved, the a$ility to communicate and relate
to each other may now $e more difficult. ,ld angers from the past,
and resentments towards each other, may now $e triggered at this
point.
&fter years of trying to hold the marriage together, this
woman decides she needs help to prevent her wall from falling.
With the aid of therapists and counsellors she pulls off all the old
plaster. 5he seeks help to find out where the initial damage was
done. 5he $egins to see where it all went wrong. 5he realises that
those early years had many faults, and painful as they were, she is
nonetheless prepared to look at the past and deal with it.
5he is now fully aware of all the assistance availa$le to her
such as counselling, $ooks on self3development and many different
types of therapies. 5he avails of the support availa$le to her. 5he
$ecomes more positive. 5he is now $etter a$le to shoulder the
weight of the roof%. 5he has found her strength $y having found the
source of her pro$lems. 5ome of these pro$lems may have $een
caused $y the people she depended on and trusted in her early
years.
#n the meantime, what is happening to the other wall?
(his woman0s hus$and cannot understand why there is a
$ulge at row ten on his wall. "e does not know what to do a$out it.
(he more his wife0s wall straightens up, the more pressure there
seems to $e on his wall.
(his man may $e in denial or may have difficulty
accepting that his own $asic structure is unsound. "e may have
$locked painful memories at a su$conscious level.
'ne day the roof collapses altogether. (&he marriage
falls apart).
(his man does not know where to start looking for help.
Dear of uncovering something from his early childhood may $e
)9<
preventing him from seeking the help availa$le to him. Dor a time
this man feels hopeless and depressed. "e knows he needs help. "e
must find the cause of his damaged wall in order to re$uild his life.
!hat can he do under these circumstances?
5ometimes if the walls are severely damaged, it may $e
necessary to go $ack as far as that shaky row, and $uild again from
there. "e does not have to do it all himself this time. "e can get
professional help and follow the example set $y his wife. "e can
o$serve the way she resolved and dealt with the pro$lems in her
wall. With help he can $uild up his own rows of $locks this time,
using the many good $locks availa$le to him the many goods
things that have happened in his life%. With help he can re$uild his
wall again, this time making it strong and secure.
3ow are your walls?
.o you have any !$locks# in any rows years% that are !out
of line,# which may need to $e straightened and dealt with? "ave
you had traumas, accidents or incidents in your life, which may $e
causing you to feel !shaky# at this moment in time?
Dor a roof to $e properly supported, $oth walls need to $e
secure, safe, strong, level and solid. (hese walls will last longer
and withstand more pressure if they have no weak, uneven or out
of line $locks in them, particularly in the lower rows early years%.
+ou may need to throw away or sort out damaged shaky
$locks and replace them with new ones. (aking positive action,
allowing in new ideas, new $elief systems and availing of
therapies, can $e of help to do all of this.
When difficult issues and weaknesses of any kind in the
structure have $een dealt with, this wall can then support itself. It
can also stand $eside another similarly strengthened wall and
support any weight.
)9=
&fter it has $een repaired, this wall can decide to continue
supporting the old roof, or it may decide to stand $eside a new wall
and share a completely new roof.
Affirmation
I will look at the walls in my house.
If there are weak spots I will acknowledge and strengthen
them.
If there are $locks or rows of $locks out of alignment I will
straighten them.
If there are issues in my life that need to $e resolved I will
resolve them. If I need help to resolve my issues I will seek
help.
)9?
(*,)
3oarding
Are you a hoarder?
$o you ha%e a !roblem letting go?
$o you ha%e a !roblem making s!ace in your life for new
ideas& new !eo!le and new relationshi!s?
Are you sto!!ing the natural flow of uni%ersal energy?
Are you like the shi! that is stuck in the dock& where one
shi! cannot get out& and the other shi!s cannot get in?
Do you block or impede the natural flow of uni"ersal
energy by hoarding?
+ou could $e doing this unknowingly, $y holding on to
goods such as items of clothing, old $ooks, or household items,
which you may have outgrown and may no longer have any use
for.
+ou could move these items on, $y taking them to your
local charity shop or /um$le sale.
+ou could even pass them on to a friend or neigh$our, who
could have some use for them.
+ou could also $e $locking the natural flow of energy $y
holding on to a relationship, which you $oth may have outgrown.
Without $eing consciously aware of it you may $e
$locking and impeding family, friends, workmates, employees or
employers on their /ourney, $y not allowing them to move on.
):@
Hoarding
Affirmation
(oday I will do a stock check on my life.
I will let go of what I do not need.
I will take a look at my life and see where I could create
space for new items, ideas, people or relationships.
):)
(*5)
&he :arden
$o you sometimes feel o%erwhelmed by what is ha!!ening
around you?
$o you sometimes feel guilty that bad things seem to
ha!!en to your friends?
$o you get u!set when your friends are going through a
rough !atch?
All may be fine in your garden 0your life1& but someone
close to you may be e(!eriencing a little u!hea%al. -ou may be
called u!on for some su!!ort.
"ry not to get o%erwhelmed by it all. /t is ust a shower and
it will !ass. "he sun will shine soon again for all.
&his is about a day in the garden when e"erything
appears rosy. &he garden in this story is life.
Imagine a garden with $eautiful flowers. >ach flower
needs something different. Dor each flower there is a season. Dor
each season there is a time. >ach flower has its own colours,
fragrances and attractiveness. >ach flower contri$utes its own
'ualities to the garden.
&ll the flowers do not need water at the same time. 5ome
flowers may need more water than others to survive. 5ometimes it
is necessary for the flowers that do not need much water, to adapt
themselves to extra water, $ecause their turn will come when they
will need more water and the flowers $eside them will need less.
):-
"he 7arden
And so life in the garden goes on.
(he gardener may come out with his hose and seeing a
flower very much in need of water, will turn his hose on fully. (he
flower $eside this one is gaEing up at the sun and en/oying the heat
and is totally unprepared for a soaking. It gets a $it of a shock.
Aife seemed to $e so good, $ut all of a sudden this cold shower
falls on an otherwise perfect day.
(he $ees and insects scatter to protect themselves. (he
other flowers that are not so far away also get a few drops $ut not
to the extent the nearest one does. (he flower getting the most of
the overspill, gets a $it annoyed. Why should his day $e upset, /ust
$ecause he chose to grow $eside this fellow who seems to $e
having pro$lems.
(ife is like a garden
We grow and $lossom together. >ach taking turns
according to our seasons, our wants and our needs. 5ometimes /ust
like in the garden, one particular flower friend% is going through a
difficult phase, $ut there is no need for you to feel guilty, $ecause
this time it is their turn, and next time it could $e yours. >veryone
gets his or her turn in the seasons of life.
,ne day this person this flower% that is very close to you
goes through a rough patch. (hey feel that their wants and needs
are not $eing met. +ou can offer them your support until they have
dealt with their pro$lem. &ll their tears and trauma may
overwhelm you. +ou may feel that you are $eing drowned $y all
the tears, $ut remem$er, the tears are /ust like an overflow for the
pain and the anguish they cannot cope with.
(hey are also like the flower that got too much water. (hey
have too much hurt and trauma to deal with at this moment. (hey
/ust ask that your strong petals can sustain this overflow, until the
torrent has settled down.
):2
4ext time it may $e your turn in the garden of life and they
will $e your support, until your petals are strong enough to raise
their heads to the sunshine once again.
(oday you may meet someone in the garden of life that is
overwhelmed $y all that is happening for them in life. Without
taking their issues on $oard, may$e you can support them until the
shower has passed.
(oday if it is you who is feeling overwhelmed, reach out to
a friend, to your angels, your guides, your 7od. (hey will stretch
out their arms and their wings to support you until the shower has
passed.
!e all take turns in the garden of life.
):6
A Hasty $ecision
(*7)
A 3asty Decision
If you are presented with a nice meal and you like it apart
from one ingredient, what would you do?
Would you throw the full meal in the dust$in $ecause of
the part you do not like? ,r would you put the piece you do not
like to one side, en/oy the rest of the meal, and suggest to the
person presenting you with the meal, not to include this particular
item of food when preparing a meal for you in the future.
If you are in a relationship and you do not like one
particular aspect of the other person0s $ehaviour, do you discard
this person and end the relationship, or do you en/oy what you do
have in common with this person, talk it through, and try to resolve
the aspects of this person0s $ehaviour, which you do not like.
O5olomon.
):9
*;)
A Boid #n )our (ife
$o you e%er feel you look beautiful on the outside& but you
are crumbling a!art on the inside?
Imagine your $ody is like a house.
& house, in order to resist the forces of nature, needs to $e
$uilt on good solid ground. .id you have a good solid grounding
from the time of your $irth?
& house needs a good solid foundation to withstand the
rigours of life. .id you have a good solid foundation a solid $elief
system% to start you off in life?
& house needs good solid walls for support. Ineven or
weak walls will crack and eventually fall, $ringing with it the roof
and all that is attached to it. .id you have a good solid support
system within your family, especially in the early years?
What happens when you discover your walls are a $it
shaky? What happens when you discover cracks in the walls? .o
you cover up the cracks with nice wallpaper, every time a crack
appears? When this does not work, do you close down that
particular room altogether? .o you shut down your feelings? .o
you compensate $y having a hectic social lifestyle? .o you close
down the rooms of your house one after the other, $ecause you
have $een conditioned to $elieve they are not suita$le for you, and
$ecause it only hurts to continue living in them?
.o you close off your feelings and emotions and fail to
acknowledge them so as to avoid the pain? ,r, do you live in
denial of your hurts and pain? .o you treat yourself to material
)::
A <oid /n -our )ife
goods that make you feel $etter for short periods of time i.e. that
new outfit, new car, or a new gadget or ornament for your house?
+ou can survive on a few rooms $eing in use. +ou can
survive with limited feelings or emotions%. +ou can even survive
$y moving down into the cellar. +ou may hide your feelings
completely%. +ou may hide the reality of what is happening with
distractions like alcohol, drugs etc. (he only pro$lem here is that
the rooms that are not in use are likely to get damp and eventually
fall into decay. +ou can $ring new furniture into your house, $ut
the old cracks and damp spots will continue raising their ugly
heads. +ou can hide in the cold dark cellar indefinitely, convincing
yourself that this is the life you want. *ut is it?
)ou need to ask yourself what can you do before your
house falls down around you.
Dirst you may need to clear out and dump, any outdated
useless furniture you may have collected over the years. 7et rid of
old outdated $elief systems. *e prepared to let go and change any
dysfunctional $ehaviour and thought patterns, which may no
longer $e of $enefit to you. Conditioning may have $een a factor in
preventing you from making these changes up until now.
+ou can take up the old carpets that are covering the
dampness in the foundations. +ou can strip off the old wallpaper
that is covering the cracks. *ut first of all you need to acknowledge
that there is a pro$lem. (his pro$lem may have $een developing
over many years. It may have rotted the skirting $oards, the floors
and the roof.
(he most difficult part is opening up those old rooms
opening up to your feelings again%. (his may $e like opening up
old wounds. It may $e painful initially. "owever, you do not have
to open up all the rooms at the same time. It may have taken many
years to close off all those rooms, $ut it will not take many years to
open them up again, providing you get help. +ou can open up
):<
those rooms one at a time. Aittle $y little you can strip off all the
old wallpaper and paint.
When you clear out your house it can feel $are and empty
for a while. When you let go and discard old patterns of $ehaviour
and conditioning you can feel lonely. (he tendency here can $e to
rush out and $ring $ack some or all of the old furniture old
$ehaviours, dysfunctional relationships% to fill the empty spaces.
+ou may feel like returning to your old ways $ecause you are
lonely. +ou may find yourself participating in social events with
people that you have no wish to relate to, or socialise with. +ou
may feel like rushing out and purchasing old or useless goods, or
items for your house yourself% to fill the void.
When you realise and feel it is safe to do so, you can avail
of all the help and support availa$le to you. +ou can come out of
that cold dark cellar into the sunshine.
+ou can create a new reality with this house $y seeing it as
it really is, with its great warmth and strength of character. +ou can
create a new reality, $ut first you must learn to know and accept
you the core $eing, as you really are.
(his is a time to stand still and look at this great house, this
great $eing that you are, with all your $lemishes. Aook more
closely at the walls of your house and you will see more clearly
where, when and how, the damage was done. Aook at your
foundations and see where they need to $e re3enforced.
When you have cleaned out your house, opened the doors
and windows, and allowed in fresh air and sunshine, you will have
created space in your life for new ideas, fun, /oy and laughter.
Aight a candle for yourself.
5ee yourself as you really are.
+ou are still the perfect $eing that 7od created.
):=
A <oid /n -our )ife
+ou may have picked up $lemishes on your /ourney, $ut
$eneath it all you are perfect.
+ou have within your possession everything you need for
your /ourney.
Aet the sun shine through your windows your eyes%.
Aet the angels support your walls your arms and legs%.
Aet 7od create a new foundation for you from his cloak of
eternal life.
):?
(*?)
Accepting you
Can you acce!t what is& or do you immediately try to
change what is& to what you think it should be& so you can
like and acce!t it more?
Are you an acce!ting ty!e of !erson?
/f you are the world is blessed by your !resence.
/f you are not it may be a time for change& a time for you
to change.
-ou cannot change anyone but yourself.
Can you lo"e what you see, not what you want to see?
+ou as energy do not change. +ou grow and evolve. +ou
will always $e who you are. +ou evolve $y your own personal
learnings. +ou do not evolve when you continually attempt to
change yourself, so that you are accepta$le to others.
When you see a $eautiful plant, love and en/oy it as it is.
.o not try to imagine how it would look if it were more $eautiful.
+ou have now re/ected what it is now in this moment. "ow can it
evolve if it is not accepted as it is first? It is not up to you to
decide how it could $e more $eautiful. (his is the plant0s /ourney.
It is growing and evolving at its own pace. (his is not your
/ourney. .o not try to travel its /ourney for it.
+ou have a $eautiful house your $ody%, $ut you may not
feel comforta$le within it. +ou have a $eautiful garden your
surroundings, your family and friends%. 5ometimes like the garden
)<@
Acce!ting -ou
or the house, you cannot appreciate the $eauty that is within you
and in that which surrounds you. When you look at yourself, do
you wish you were thinner, fatter, taller or more attractive looking?
*y doing this you are not accepting yourself, as you are first. +ou
cannot leave where you are not at.
Imagine your $ody as a $eautiful house and your
surroundings your family, friends etc.% as a $eautiful garden. .o
you look around the house at times and think, !If only I could
change one thing or another, then it would $e a $etter place to live
in?# .o you sometimes look out your window at the garden and
feel, that if you could only change or remove certain flowers, that it
would then $e a nicer place to spend your time?
5ometimes when you look at the garden, you may wish the
winter was over and the flowers would shoot out. +our family and
friends may $e in the winter of life, they may $e resting and
preparing for spring, they may not come up to your expectations at
this moment in time. .o you wish your family were more
intelligent, $etter educated, growing up faster, were more
accepta$le to you, and would get $etter /o$s, $etter homes etc?
.o you wish you were more accepta$le to you? 8ay$e
you too are going through the seasons of life, going through a
rough patch healing from old traumas, hurts and wounds. Aike the
plant, the garden, the self, the family, they all need to $e accepted
wherever they are at. (his is your /ourney and it is also their
/ourney. If you invest too much of yourself, your $eliefs, your
time, into trying to change what is around you and any of those
investments disappear, part of you also disappears.
(he acceptance of yourself and of others is like the
$eginning of writing a $ook. ,nly when the pen has touched the
paper, has the $ook $egun. Drom there you can move on, $ut first
the pen must touch the paper. +ou must accept yourself first. If
you cannot accept yourself, how can you $egin to accept someone
else? +ou need to see yourself as you truly are. If the value you
place on yourself is $ased on what others have achieved and how
)<)
they see you, that is not true self3acceptance. Can you allow others
to see you as you truly are? Can you accept friends calling and
seeing your house in total chaos you in total chaos%? Can you
accept others seeing your pain, your sorrow, and your hurt? Can
you do likewise with your family and friends? &ccepting what is 1
that is total acceptance.
+our instinctive reaction may $e to cover it all up, clean up
the house the self%, wipe away the tears and make everything
a!!ear to look good. (his is not self3acceptanceB $ecause what is
really happening is that you are hiding the pain and hurt.
When was the last time you looked and accepted yourself
for who you are, and not how others accept or see you? >verything
that has ever happened to you up to this moment, has created the
person you are today. >verything that happens for you today, will
create the person that you will $e tomorrow.
(oday you are $eautiful. It is where you are today that is
important 1 not where you are going tomorrow.
Accept what is.
(he child of the sweep is still a child 1 that is what is.
(he child of the king is still a child 1 that is what is.
If you were lying in $ed with a $roken leg 9 that is what
is.
(here is only what you can do or cannot do at this moment
in time.
When you accept !what is,# you can then move forward to
create what you would like next. +ou always have choices in what
you create, $ut you must first accept !what is# right now.
Affirmation
)<-
Acce!ting -ou
(oday I ask you 7od, guides, angels, higher power to take
my hands, help me to listen to the silence.
"elp me listen to my heart, listen to my $reath and listen to
myself.
"elp me accept that which surrounds me.
"elp me accept everything as it is and everyone as they
are.
"elp me accept the sound of the $irds, the growth of
nature, the seasons and most of all help me to accept
myself.
)<2
(*@)
# Am 8e

In all the world, there is no one exactly like me. (here are
persons who have some part of me, $ut no one adds up exactly like
me. (herefore, everything that comes out of me is authentically
mine $ecause I alone chose it.
I own everything a$out me. 1 8y $ody, including
everything it does. 8y mind, including all its thoughts and ideas.
8y eyes, including the images of all they $ehold. 8y feelings,
whatever they may $e 1 anger, /oy, frustration, love,
disappointment, excitement 8y mouth, and all the words that come
out of it, polite, sweet or rough, correct or in3correct. 8y voice,
loud or soft, and all my actions, whether they $e to others or to
myself.
I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, and my fears.
I own all my triumphs and successes, all my failures and
mistakes.
*ecause I own all of me, I can $ecome intimately
ac'uainted with me. *y so doing I can love me, and $e friendly
with me in all my parts. I can then make it possi$le for all of me to
work in my $est interests.
I know there are aspects a$out myself that puEEle me, and
other aspects that I do not know. *ut as long as I am friendly and
loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for the
solutions to the puEEles and for ways to find out more a$out me.
"owever I look or sound, whatever I say or do, and
whatever I think and feel at any given moment in time is me. (his
is authentic and represents where I am at that moment in time.
)<6
/ Am 4e
When I review later how I looked and sounded, what I said
and did, and how I thought and felt, some parts may turn out to $e
unfitting. I can discard that which is unfitting, and keep that which
proved fitting, and invent something new for that which I
discarded.
I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to
survive, to $e close to others, to $e productive, and to make sense
and order out of the world of people and things outside of me.
I own me, and therefore I can engineer me.
I am me and I am okay.
P G. 5atir, !& 7oal of Aiving.#

)<9
(,A)
&he 6ird #n &he Cage
"he bird could be you. "he cage is life.
$o you feel you are& or ha%e been in ca!ti%ity?
$o you feel restricted to the !oint of suffocation?
(his story could $e a$out you. It could $e a$out so many
people you know. (his is a story to $ring awareness to you of how
lack of freedom can affect you or another.
(his is the scene from a story told a$out a woman who is
now fifty years of age. (he story of this woman0s life, is likened to
that of a tiny $ird $orn into captivity.
In the $eginning it is /ust a tiny little $ird fluttering around
in a lovely spacious cage. (he cage is life%. (he $ird is 'uite
healthy. It is $eing fed and its cage is cleaned out regularly, $ut
with conditions. It is often told what to do. *ut more often it is told
what not to do. !.on0t $e angry.# !(ake what you get.# !.on0t $e
sad.# !.on0t show fear.# !.on0t $e assertive.# !.on0t ask
'uestions.# !.on0t ask why.# !What will the neigh$ours think?# 1
(his is the $eginning of the conditioning.
(he $ird grows $igger $ut the cage does not. (he
conditioning does not change. (he $ird starts to feel more
uncomforta$le as the years pass. Its legs are cramped and its wings
are under developed.
"ow many of us have experienced these feelings? 4ever
$eing allowed to stretch. 4ever $eing allowed to grow. "ow many
of us do not know any other way of $eing? .ifficult relationships,
)<:
"he .ird /n "he Cage
difficult family situations difficult work situations, difficult living
conditions?
(his $ird has $elieved and has $een conditioned to $elieve
there is no other way. (he pains and the aches get worse constant
headaches, colds and flu0s%. (he $ird says, !I know this is not a
healthy place for me to $e, $ut if I get out of here I could die. I will
not know how to survive on my own. I am fearful of change. If I
stay here, I will die from lack of nourishment, lack of exercise,
lack of love, lack of life.#
(he $ird feels helpless and hopeless a$out her situation.
5he prays night and day for freedom.
(hen one day a guide in the form of a friend comes along
and sees the conditions under which this $ird is living. 5he gently
opens the cage door. (he $ird sees the possi$ilities out there 1 $lue
skies, fresh air and freedom. & $righter future, functional
relationships, freedom of choice%.
&lthough she sees the great possi$ilities out there, she
nonetheless feels fearful and apprehensive.
Conditioning has taught her to be fearful of change.
It has taught herH
!.on0t rock the $oat.#
!(ake what you get.#
!&ren0t you lucky to $e alive.#
(he $ird has realised she is only existing not living. 5he
knows she must now learn to trust if she is to survive. In order to
live life to the full, she must first trust enough to leave the cage.
(rust in her guides, trust in herself and trust in 7od.
5he does learn to trust a little, although with great
apprehension and fear. (he guide supports her while she gently
eases out one wing, then one leg. Aittle $y little the $ird emerges
)<<
slowly and painfully. &s she leaves the cage she $egins to see and
$elieve what is possi$le with freedom. With freedom, comes the
possi$ility of flight, of soaring to new heights, travelling to new
lands, and seeking new learnings.
,nly time, guidance and gentle healing will soothe the
scars that life up until now has imposed on her. (his will not
happen in a day or a week $ut in time this $ird will soar to her true
heights and recognise her true spirit.
+ou too can $elieve in new possi$ilities.
+ou too can leave your cage.
+ou too can spread your wings.
+ou too can soar to new heights.
+ou too can learn to love and $e loved.
+ou too can $e free to live again.
"elp can $e /ust a door away.
Affirmation
I choose to $e free.
I seek freedom.
I am free.
I spread my wings and soar to new heights.
)<=
)ife /n "he ;ast )ane
(,1)
(ife #n &he East (ane
$o you feel you are mo%ing too fast?
$o you feel that your life is out of control?
Are you feeling you ha%e lost control of your life?

#magine your life is likened to a racehorse. Ask
yourself, =Am # in control of this powerful gift?>
Was there a time in your life when you had the reins in
your hands and you felt you had everything under control, then one
day you woke up and found that everything and everyone was
moving so much faster than you? +ou may have thought you had a
tight grip on the reins of life, $ut all of a sudden everything around
you seemed to $e out of control. When this happened you might
have felt like you were sitting on a cart, hitched to a racehorse that
was going so fast, that you felt you could not control him, or slow
him down.
3ow are you now?
.o you find that the tighter you hold on to the reins the
more tired you $ecome? (he more tired you $ecome, the
less you are in control of the horse your life%?
.o you feel you have lost control of the reins?
Is your life moving so fast that you are having difficulty
coping with it? +ou may $e hoping that this horse life%
might slow down of its own accord so you can regain
control of the reins regain control of your life%.
)<?
.o you feel this horse is pulling you along at such speed,
that you have no choice over which direction you are
going?
.o you feel that you have lost control of your own
destiny?
+ou may decide to ask for help. &sk your friends, family,
guides, 7od or your angels. (he pro$lem is that since the first time
you noticed you were travelling too fast, you may have picked up
pace, and now feel you are travelling at $reakneck speed.
)our :od, guides or your angels now ha"e "ery few
choices.
1. (hey could step across in front of you on your path and
stop you suddenly in your tracks. (his could come in the form of a
minor or ma/or accident. (he pro$lem is that a sudden stop at the
speed you are travelling, could mean you could get seriously
in/ured or even killed.
%. (hey could slow you down gradually over a period of
time. (his could come in the form of constant sickness, or ailments
severe enough, to slow you down or grind you to a halt.
!hat can you do if you feel the pace you are tra"elling
at, is almost completely out of your control?

Dirst, gra$ a tight hold of the reins. Dind out what you can
do for yourself to slow you down.
5eek help to slow yourself down if necessary.
"owever difficult, try not to let go of the reins altogether,
otherwise the horse life% will take you wherever he feels
like taking you.
)=@
(ry not to hand over the reins to someone else to slow
down the horse. (ry not to hand over all responsi$ility for
your health and your life to someone else%.
When you come to a halt, try and find out what caused you
to speed up in the first place.
Ask yourself some 0uestionsH
). What kept you at this pace until now?
-. Could it all have started $efore you were $orn i.e.
induced $irth, traumatic delivery, last minute
arrangements, or $orn prematurely as a result of an
accident or trauma?
2. .id you experience impatience from those around you in
your early years of development? Were your parents,
childminders, or other family mem$ers impatient with
the pace you eat, or learned to feed yourself? ,r, with the
length of time it took for you to $e toilet trained? ,r,
with the pace you learned to walk and talk?
6. Were there expectations from you as a child, to e'ual or
sometimes surpass the accomplishments of fellow
si$lings and friends?
9. .id you feel rushed and pressurised into trying to keep
pace with every$ody around you at school, at home, or in
your place of work?
:. .id you feel you were falling $ehind, or that every$ody
else seemed further ahead?
<. Were you trying to get it all over and done with 'uickly?
)=)
=. Were you running away from something or some$ody
i.e. an a$usive or dysfunctional relationship or family
situation?
?. Was there a crisis or trauma, which you did not feel a$le
or ready to deal with?
)@. Were you driven $y anxiety, or fear, or of the possi$le
conse'uences of what would happen, if you slowed down
or stopped?
)). "ad you lost the a$ility to go with your gut feelings and
live in the moment?
)-. Was it conditioning that was driving you at such a fast
pace?
)2. .id you $elieve everything would $e $etter somewhere
ahead?
As an adult it may now be the time for you to take back
control of the reins. &ake back your own power. :et help if
necessary to slow yourself down. &his will enable you to tra"el
at the pace that is safer and more comfortable for you on your
$ourney.
Affirmation
I will live my life at my own pace.
I will not allow others or their expectations to push me
$eyond my capa$ilities.
I will learn how to relax and slow down.
I will regain control of my life and my health.
)=-
With each $reath I take, I will slow myself down.
I will seek help and support from those who have mastered
the a$ility to relax and slow down.
Chore for the week read3 S):+ 4' $:+8 7:$.
F1low 8e Down :od
Slow me down 7od= ease the !ounding of my heart by the
*uieting of my mind. Steady my hurried !ace with the %ision of the
eternal reach of time.
7i%e me& amidst the confusion of my day& the calmness of
the e%erlasting hills. .reak the tensions of my ner%es and muscles
with the soothing music of the singing streams that li%e in my
memory.
Hel! me to know the magical& restoring !ower of slee!.
"each me the art of taking one5minute %acations> of slowing
down to look at a flower& to chat with a friend& to !at a dog& to
read a few lines from a good book& to go for a nice leisurely walk&
to dream.
2emind me each day of the fable of the hare and the
tortoise that / may know that the race is not always to the swift=
that there is more in life than increasing s!eed.
)et me look u!ward into the branches of the towering oak
and know that it grew great and strong because it grew slowly and
well.
Slow me down 7od& and ins!ire me to send my roots dee!
into the soil of lifes enduring %alues that / may grow u!ward
toward the stars of my greater destiny.
?Author unknown.
)=2
(,%)
&he :reat 'ak And &he 1mall 'ak
"he great oak is the adult& and the small oak is the child.
(his is the story of the great oak which is you, with all
your learnings and a$ilities. (he small oak is the child, who is
endeavouring to learn from you, his environment and all those
around him. "e has no sense of $oundaries or limitations yet.
If the great oak !you# moves every time the small oak
calls, the great oak loses the a$ility to hold on to the soil and the
solid ground or to remain rooted. (he small oak is still growing so
can set down its roots anywhere at any time. If the great oak
continually uproots and moves itself it will have great difficulty
holding on to the earth when the storms arrive. (he great oak
having no firm roots, will fall leaving the small oak with no
protection from the strong winds and the harsh elements.
+ou are the great oak. (hose of a young age depend on
you for guidance and protection and need your solidity. If every
time they call, you come running, you will uproot yourself from
what you are doing, and at a later time you will have to set yourself
down and try to continue where you left off.
(he small oak the child% is depending on you for their
learnings. If they learn from you that you can $e moved from what
you are doing or where you are at, at a moments notice 1 they in
turn will not learn how to $e grounded and stay put until it is
convenient for them to move. (his amount of constant moving for
you, can cause exhaustion.
.o you react instantly when your children or someone else
calls you, stopping what you are doing, to facilitate their every
)=6
"he 7reat :ak And "he Small :ak
wish or command? ,r, do you say, !When I am ready I will help
you deal with the pro$lem?# ,r, !When I am ready I will help you
sort out your difficulty?# .id you ever hear a parent or child
minder say, !I can never get anything finished when the children
are around?# Why not? .id you ever ask yourself, is it $ecause you
react and move on demand? +ou are not learning and neither are
they. .o you wonder what sort of an example you are setting for
your little oak? If you stop what you are doing every time they call,
what sort of message are you pro/ecting to your little child?
Are you pro$ecting a message saying?
!What I am doing does not matter.#
!What I am saying does not matter.#
!8y time does not matter.#
!I do not matter.#
(his little oak the child% o$serves your every move,
$ecause it is part of you. It chose you and came here to learn from
you, to o$serve your weaknesses and your strengths. +our little
oak will mirror $ack to you all your $ehaviours.
"ow does your little oak see you? "ow does your child
see you%?
&re your roots connected firmly to the ground? .o you
stand your ground%?
&re you well grounded in your decisions and $eliefs and
not given to childish reactions and $ehaviours in an adult
situation?
&re you a strong great oak, not easily swayed $y the wind,
or does all that is happening around you easily sway you?
.o you resist the urge to respond instantly to the wishes
and demands of the little oak? .o you resist the whims of
your child%?
)=9
.o you have strong $ranches to support the little oak in
times of trou$le? .o you maintain your own physical,
emotional and mental health, so you can support your child
in times of need%?
.o you have plenty of healthy leaves on your $ranches to
shield the small oak from the storms, cold, wind and rain,
until he grows his own leaves? "ave you availed of all the
information and learnings necessary to guard and protect
your child from life0s illnesses and traumas%? If you have
done this, then, when the little oak needs support, you will
$e still standing.
&s the little oak child% grows older and stronger, it will
develop its own strong $ranches and leaves its patterns, strengths
and $elief systems%. &s this little oak child% develops, do you
encourage them to $e grounded and to feel secure in whatever they
choose to do, or in the decisions they make in life? &s they grow
older, do you teach them that whatever decisions they make, 1 they
themselves are responsi$le for those decisions? ,r, do you allow a
$ehaviour pattern that started in childhood, to continue into
adulthood, e.g. where every time they got into any sort of
difficulty, they called you, and you came running?
3ow are you beha"ing now?
Dor example now they have their own transport, are they
regularly allowing it to run out of petrol? .o you go and rescue
them whenever they are stranded, regardless of the time, whether it
$e day or night, regardless of how you are feeling yourself or how
you may $e otherwise engaged at the time?
When they forget to $ring their own door key, do you /ump
out of $ed every other night to let them in? When they forget to
collect their laundry, do you go out of your way to collect it for
them despite all the chores you have to do for yourself? When they
call you at 6.a.m. in the morning to say they have missed their lift
home once again, do you /ump out of $ed and go and collect them,
)=:
"he 7reat :ak And "he Small :ak
without even thinking of the conse'uences for yourself, and the
lack of learning for them?
#s all of this still happening on a regular basis?
&fter years of this $ehaviour, this great oak $ecomes worn
out and exhausted. It no longer produces nice green leaves. (here
is very little growth in this tree, $ecause it allowed itself to $e up3
rooted so many times. Its $ranches are now twisted and $roken
from so many people swinging from them%.
Drom a great oak that children once played near, a great
oak that offered support and protection for many small oaks, here
now stands a $are and lonely tree. (his tree that was once a great
oak has lost its identity. Its $ranches are no longer strong and firm.
(hey have lost their leaves. It has no protection now from the wind
or rain. Its roots are exposed to the elements, to the cold and the
frost. *ecause the great oak moved so many times its roots did not
get enough time to grow deep into the soil, where they would $e
protected. (his great oak that protected and shielded so many, has
no protection itself now in its old age. It has very little energy now.
It is losing the will to live.
(he small oak child% mirroring the poor role modelling of
the great oak parent% has moved on. It is constantly on the move
never staying anywhere for any length of time and answering to
everyone0s $eck and call.
Dellow great oaks friends seeing the $ehaviour of the
great oak% have also moved away to $e in more secure ground
secure living and family conditions% for their later years. (hey
have also moved to $e near fellow great oaks, likeminded people%
for support when the storms arrive. (his may not look like a happy
ending for this great oak. *ut where there is life there is still hope.
(his great oak may not have had a good role model to teach it, and
to learn from, when it was young itself.
If you are still a young oak, may$e you can learn
something from this story. If you are an older great oak, you can
)=<
stop the $ehaviour that is ageing and exhausting you. +ou may
need to learn to take care of yourself, where you are at, in this
present moment in time. If you continue to move, it could $e
detrimental to the possi$ility of any further growth, or any possi$le
healing from the past. +ou may need to encourage your roots to
take hold no matter how little. If you do not do it at this stage, you
could topple and die with the next $ig wind that $lows. (hat next
$ig illness%.
(he first thing you must do in order to survive is to stop
moving. 5top allowing others to move and sway you. 5tand still.
(rim off any damaged roots or $ranches that are weighing you
down get rid of anything in your life that is weighing you down%.
(he more you trim the rotten and decayed $ranches get rid of
outdated $elief systems, dysfunctional $ehaviours%, the more
sunshine and water the tree will receive, to nurture its core through
the good $ranches. ;ut good healthy compost around the roots that
are exposed. *ring good things into your life i.e. new ideas, good
nourishing and healthy food, kind and supportive friends, healthy
and happy relationships, happy and /oyous moments%.
(he roots may not fully recover from all the moving, $ut
the longer they stay in the one position, the $etter chance the tree
has of surviving to a ripe old age.
Affirmation
I will stop moving unnecessarily.
I will stop and think $efore moving when someone calls.
I will not $e swayed $y anyone.
I will $e still.
I will survive the storm.
)==
How Can "hey )earn?
(,*)
3ow Can &hey (earn?
$o you allow others to learn?
$o you allow your children to learn?
$o you allow yourself to learn?
6aby
,$serve a $a$y who is learning to walk, it stands up, takes a step
and falls down. It does not hurt itself, $ecause it does not go too
far. (he next thing the $a$y will do is clim$ up $eside a chair and
walk around it. &fter that, it will attempt to walk from one chair to
the next one and so on.
,ne day the $a$y will attempt to make a longer /ourney, a
longer distance $etween chairs. We can see the $a$y will not make
the /ourney, $ut the $a$y is going to try anyway. "e makes it a$out
halfway across the room and topples over. What do we do? We run
and gra$ him $efore he falls. 4ow $a$y does not know how far he
went, or how far he can go. "is last attempt was interrupted half
way, so for him that /ourney was nonexistent.
When his mother is not looking, off he goes walking again,
not knowing how to /udge the distance. "e does make it a little
further, $ut $angs his head on the corner of the ta$le $ruising his
forehead and causing 'uite a swelling. "is mother gets into a
panic, and after cleaning him upB she confines him to the playpen
for the afternoon. (his has now curtailed his learning.
8ary
What a$out little 8ary who had limited a$ilities where
maths were concerned? 8ary0s homework was done $y her father
)=?
whenever he could, $ecause he felt sorry for her. 8ary struggled
through school and year after year she failed her maths exams,
$ecause .ad was o$viously not there to assist her on the day of the
exams.
8ary never came to terms with her limited maths a$ilities.
5he could have taken up employment where her other a$ilities
would have $een recognised and encouraged, $ut her father
insisted on her staying in school and studying for an academic
career.
8ary did not know what she was capa$le of. >very time
she tried to accomplish something herself her father stepped in and
completed it for her. "e thought he was helping her, $ut in fact he
was preventing her from learning a$out her own capa$ilities.
8ary0s level of incompetence did not $ecome apparent, until her
father used his influence to get her that top /o$ in the accounts
department. "er father could not do her work for her so she lost her
/o$.
Gohnny
"ow many times do we hear parents say, !Kohnny does not
even know how to wash a cup?# What happened to him when he
$roke his first cup? We gra$$ed hold of him, gave him a good
talking to and would not allow him wash the dishes again. What
happened the day young Kohnny tried to wire a plug on the electric
kettle? "e caused an electrical short, which knocked off the
electricity in the entire house. *ecause of the shock and the
reaction from his family, as an adult, Kohnny will not attempt to
repair anything electrical again, even down to something simple
and necessary.
Genny
What a$out the day Kenny made her first dinner? 5he
$urned the dinner and her hand. 5he was never allowed to even try
cooking again. 4ow that she is married, she attends cooking
classes in order to learn how to prepare a $asic meal.
)?@
How Can "hey )earn?
&t times we do not allow our children to learn. We try to
save them from hurt and pain, $ut like the $a$y, sometimes the
learning experience of a minor hurt at an early age, can prevent a
ma/or hurt in later life.
4ow ask yourself if you can relate to any of these stories.
.o you allow your children to learn and explore?
.o you allow others to learn?
.o you feel you are a $etter person $y doing for others
rather than encouraging them to do for themselves?
.o you want to change?
)ou can change your own beha"iour.
&sk for help to $e patient with yourself and your learnings.
*e patient with others and their learnings.
&llow others their mistakes. *y their mistakes they learn.
!e cannot take anyone where we oursel"es ha"e not been.
Affirmation
I will allow my children to learn.
I will allow others to learn.
I will allow myself to learn.
)?)
(,,)
&he Elowerbed
"he ;lowerbed is life.
Are you constantly on the mo%e?
$o you mo%e from !lace to !lace& ob to ob& relationshi!
to relationshi!& ne%er really sto!!ing or staying in one !lace for
any length of time?
$o you ha%e difficulty setting down roots?
4aybe it is time for you to sto! and ask yourself what is
ha!!ening for you.
#magine a giant flowerbed.
&his is symbolic of life.
(wo people meet each other and decide they will start a
new life together. We will see the two people as two trees. We will
see the flower$ed as the space they have provided for themselves.
(he two trees grow side $y side in peace and harmony in
this flower$ed. &s time passes the two trees produce some little
trees. (he flower$ed is still the same siEe. (he two original trees
people% continue to grow, sometimes towards each other, other
times apart.
(he little trees children% are also growing at different
paces, each having their own individual needs and re'uirements.
(he siEe of the flower$ed home% does not change, $ut the
little trees children% grow 'uite fast. (he stronger ones
overshadowing the weaker ones, the taller ones cutting out the light
from the smaller ones. With the larger ones taking up the most
)?-
"he ;lowerbed
space, the smaller ones may feel they are not getting enough
nourishment.
Imagine there are now five trees five people% in this
flower$ed this home%. ,ne of the trees children% decides that the
space for him is not large enough for his growth and development.
"e feels he is $eing suffocated $y his fellow trees, so he decides to
move out to a much larger flower$ed with other trees other
people%, where he will have sufficient room to grow and develop.
&s time passes $y, he $egins to feel restricted and overshadowed in
this new flower$ed, so he moves on again.
(his pattern continues for years. >very time he sets down
his roots he feels he has to pull them up and move on again. (his
tree person% is not growing $ecause he never stays anywhere long
enough to receive nourishment from the earth, which supports life.
,ne day he decides to return to his original flower$ed
home%. &t first his fellow trees $rother, sister and parents% are
excited to see him so they shuffle around and tighten up and ad/ust
themselves to make room for him. (hey $elieve he is only
returning for a short stay and this is only a temporary
inconvenience. While he was away, his family fellow trees% had
expanded themselves and taken up most of the space and
nourishment in the flower$ed.
It is not long $efore this visiting tree person% feels
uncomforta$le and crowded out again. "e now decides to take
himself on two weeks holiday to give his fellow trees a $reak and a
$it of space. &s soon as he leaves his fellow trees family
mem$ers% stretch out their roots once again and settle $ack into
their original places.
&fter the two weeks holidays are over this tree person%
returns home once again, $ut this time his fellow trees are less than
friendly. (hey are not prepared to distur$ themselves or make any
effort to allow him to fit in.
)?2
(his coming and going goes on with this tree person% for
many years. "e never stays anywhere long enough to get
nourishment from the soil, nurturing from life or to allow his roots
time to $ecome connected to the earth, or to allow himself to
develop and grow. "e does not stay anywhere long enough to meet
like3minded fellow trees people%. &s a result of all this moving his
roots have remained short and shallow, so when the storm comes
he is likely to $e toppled over. "e is likely to topple and fall with
the first ma/or trauma that life deals him%.
If he felt uncomforta$le and unhappy with his fellow trees
family mem$ers% in the first flower$ed his home%, what is it that
keeps $ringing him $ack home again and again? .oes he have a
pro$lem dealing with difficult situations outside his home and
learning from them? .oes he have a $elief system, that people
should ad/ust and compromise for him whenever he decides they
should? .oes he have difficulty creating a new reality for himself?
Creating a safe and secure space for himself?
(his little tree has lost his $elief in himself and his sense of
self $ecause of his constant moving. "e has $ecome ungrounded,
insecure, scared and unsettled. Where can he go and what can he
do now?
Could this story be about you?
8ay$e it is time to stand still, it is easy to topple a moving
o$/ect.
Ask yourself what is it you want out of life
.o you want a flower$ed home% for yourself to grow and
develop, to set down your roots?
.o you want a place where other like3minded trees
people% can intermingle and relate to you and respect your
space?
+ou may need professional help to do all of this. "elp is
availa$le from many different sources.
)?6
"he ;lowerbed
+ou can have this space this home%. & place to set down
your roots, a place to grow and develop, $ut first you must stop
wandering aimlessly from place to place.
Affirmation
I will stand still.
I will create a safe and secure space for myself.
I allow myself to $ecome connected to the earth.
If I feel scared, re/ected or una$le to cope, I will get help to
deal with these issues.
I grow strong and secure.
)?9
(,5)
:ut Eeelings
7ut feelings are the feelings that come from the gut
-ou get a gut feeling when something is either right or
wrong for you at this moment in time.
Are you in doubt as to whether you follow your gut
feelings or whether you allow logic to take o%er?
Has an incident occurred where the decision you made
was based on logic rather than going with your gut feeling and
now you regret that decision?
If you learn from any situation it is positive. If you go with
your gut feeling and the event does not turn out as you may have
wished, it can still $e a learning experience. It can still turn out to
$e a positive result in your overall learning process.
Do you follow your gut feelings or when you get a gut
feeling do you then allow logic to take o"er?
.id you ever stand in a 'ueue in the $ank/shop, with a$out
ten people in each line? (he line $eside you moves 'uickly, until
there are only three people now in that 'ueue. +our gut feeling
tells you to stay where you are in the 'ueue you are already in, $ut
logic tells you to move to the shorter line. 5o you move and stand
$ehind the three people in the shorter 'ueue, only to find that
within minutes, the 'ueue you had left had cleared and another
'ueue had formed $ehind them again. "alf an hour later you are
still waiting to $e served, and wondering whether you should now
leave this 'ueue and move across to the other one again. 1 +ou did
not follow your gut feeling.
)?:
7ut ;eelings
&s you leave town on a $usy afternoon your gut feeling
tells you to go home the long way, even though the traffic appears
$usy on that route. +our logic tells you to go home the short way
and avoid all the traffic. 5o you head home the short way, only to
discover there are road works holding up the roadway for two
miles.
+our gut feeling comes from !the gut# or solar plexus. If
the solar plexus centre is closed down, it is often very difficult to
have a good !gut feeling# and carry it through to making an
intuitive decision. (he gut feeling tells you the wisest decision to
make. *ut the logical mind can step in and override this, so you
change your mind only to find out later, sometimes when it is too
late, that the !gut feeling# was the correct one to follow all along.
&sk yourself a 'uestion that has $een $othering you or that
you are seeking an answer to.
;ut your hands on each side of your solar plexus which is
$etween the sternum and the naval%.
(ake a deep $reath and as you exhale allow the answer to
the 'uestion to come to you.
.o not try to make sense of the answer 1 that is logic.
+our gut feeling is how you really feel and the answer is to
go with the feeling.
Affirmation
I will learn to trust my gut feelings.
)?<
(,7)
&he -arth #s )our 8other
"his story may bring awareness to you of the water you
drink& the food you eat and how you discard your waste.
$o you !ollute the atmos!here?
$o you li%e in harmony with 4other 'arth?
Are you aware of her wants& her needs& her sadness& her
sorrow and grief?
$o you thank her for the !ro%isions she has made for you?
$o you lea%e it to others to care for 4other 'arth or do
you feel you are doing your share?

#s your conscience clear when it comes to 8other
-arth?
!ell done if it is H congratulate yourself.
(his is the story of a woman who had many sons and many
daughters. (his woman $rought this family into the world. 5he
provided for them and nurtured them as $est she could. 5he fed
them and provided clothing for them.
5he planted her garden and she grew her crops. When the
crops were ready she reaped them, so her family could have food.
5he gave them love. 5he asked nothing in return, only that they in
turn $y her example would do as she had done.
)?=
"he 'arth /s -our 4other
!e will follow the story of one son.
When this particular son left home, he forgot most of what
he had learned. "e forgot his mother. "e forgot himself. "e took
everything he wanted selfishly. "e never appreciated all he had or
where it came from.
"e ignored the fact that his mother was in want or need.
"e ignored the fact that she was sad and lonely. "e ignored the fact
that she was hurt and angry. "e ignored the fact that the crops his
mother had planted were $eing ravished and destroyed. "e ignored
the fact that the land that had provided him with food was now
$eing used for other purposes, greed, money etc, $ut not for what it
had $een intended. "e ignored all of this and he did not care.
"e said, !(here are others in the family $esides me so why
should I $other?#
Why should he $other? "e has nothing to gain now or so
he thinks% so he leaves it up to the rest of the family to sort out the
pro$lems at home. ,f course they in turn leave it up to each other
thinking, !(he /o$ of looking after mother is for someone else.#
8eanwhile his mother is dying. .ying from malnutrition,
polluted water, and polluted food. 5he has $een ravaged and raped
of all that was hers.
,ne day awareness dawns on this son. "e realises his
mother is getting closer to her death in this lifetime. "e sees how
old and fee$le she has $ecome. "e looks $ack and says, !If only I
had known how much and how fast mother was deteriorating, I
could have done something.# (his man is now angry, $ecause his
mother has $een a$used and neglected. "e chose to $elieve that the
other mem$ers of the family were taking responsi$ility for their
part in looking after and protecting their mother. (his man has
resorted to $laming others. "e has not taken responsi$ility for the
part he played in the neglect of his mother.
)??
&t a deep su$conscious level, he did know how his mother
was $eing a$used, $ut like so many of us he chose to ignore it,
thinking the pro$lems with mother would somehow sort
themselves out.
"e is so sorry now that he did not o$serve sooner what was
happening to his mother. "e now realises his children will never
know this mother as he once knew her.
"e remem$ers the green fields he played in as a child. "e
remem$ers the fields of golden corn, the sound of the singing lark
in the clear morning air, the smell of a freshly mown meadow. "e
remem$ers the early morning dew on the grass, the clear $lue skies
and fresh running water.
3e realises that unless he acts now these will be no
more, not for him, not for his children, and not for his
children2s children.
(he mother, who gave $irth to this man, holds out her arms
in forgiveness. 5he welcomes him $ack, as only a mother can do.
5he gives him a second chance. 5he shows him her ravaged fields,
her $eaten $ody, the wounds and the scars of hurt and pain.
"is mother cries tears of anguish for all the loss and all the
$etrayal, $ut she is still ready to forgive. &s she cries, her tears
help to cleanse her $ruised $ody. 5he shudders and shakes with her
so$s. "e stands helplessly looking on finding no way to $ring
comfort to his mother.
*ut for her, his $eing here with her is what matters now.
Dor her, his awareness of her pain is what matters most, $ecause
only in the awareness of her pain and in the action he now takes,
can he prevent her condition deteriorating $eyond recovery. 5he
must go through her pain to give $irth again, to $elieve again and
to heal and trust again.
In order to plant and grow her seeds on good soil the old
soil must first $e cleansed. It is necessary for this mother to go
-@@
"he 'arth /s -our 4other
through this pain, in order for life to $egin again. (rust and $elief
were $rought a$out again, not in the return of all her family, $ut in
the raising of awareness and the return of one son. It only takes the
awareness of one person, to $egin making changes and stop what is
happening to the mother.
(his mother will need a time of rest, peace and solitude.
5he has gone through many years of pain and survival, $ut in order
for her growth to $egin again she must first rest and heal.
It is I, 5olomon who is telling you this story 1 $ecause this
story is a$out you, yes you.
&he earth is your mother and you are her son.
+ing and +ang. 8ale and Demale.
Demale% (he intuitive side. (his is the sensitive side, the
nurturing side. 8ale% (he doer. (his is the side that acts, the side
that can do something. (his is the side that can take action.
(here is +in and +ang in all of us, male and female. We
all have the a$ility to feel and act, $ut in knowing, we have the
choice of when and how we act.
(oday ask yourself, !"ow aware are you of what is
happening for 8other >arth?#
&sk yourself, !What changes you can make, no matter
how small, which can $e of help to 8other >arth0s survival?
(ry to $ecome more aware of all of nature, the air, the
rivers, the lakes, the fish, the animals, the $irds, the trees, etc.
4o matter how little you do H it does make a difference.
Affirmation
I will $ecome more aware of 8other >arth.
I will live in peace and harmony with 8other >arth.
-@)
(,;)
Eorgi"eness 'f )our #nner Child
"his is about forgi%eness of your inner child.
$o you ha%e a !roblem with forgi%eness?
Some may say yes& others may say no.
!hat about you?
Do you find it difficult or easy to forgi"e yourself?
&t some early age you may have done something, which
you may still feel guilty a$out. +ou may have $een only four years
of age at the time when you pushed your $a$y $rother, in/uring
him. 4ow every time you see his scar, you feel guilty, not to a
great degree, $ut still nonetheless you may feel an element of guilt.
&nother example, you may have witnessed something
hurtful physical or emotional $een inflicted on someone else, and
have felt powerless and helpless at the time, and una$le to do
anything to stop it. +ou may have $een only six years of age at the
time. (he victim may have $een a child of three and the perpetrator
an adult.
&t a later stage in life you hear how particular acts or
deeds inflicted on a child, can affect them for the rest of their lives.
+ou now as an adult may start to remem$er an incident or
incidents when something like this happened. +ou may start to
regret not having done something a$out it. Femem$er you were
only six years of age at that time, and could not have done anything
a$out what was happening.
Femem$er a child0s mind is glo$al. *y this we mean that
the child feels responsi$le for all that has happened. "owever the
-@-
;orgi%eness :f -our /nner Child
adult may now find they have difficulty distinguishing $etween the
adult guilt, and the guilt they experienced as a child. What can
happen however is that the adult has not forgiven the child within.
(his child may have witnessed a hurtful deed of physical,
emotional or sexual a$use. (hey did not participate in this deed.
(hey may have $een mentally crippled with fear of the possi$le
conse'uences, if they told someone a$out what had happened.
Femem$er the child may feel they themselves are $ad, $ecause of
what has happened. (hey may $elieve this for many years and
sometimes right throughout their lives.
6ut how do we as adults, forgi"e the child within for
what the child has or has not done?
Can you imagine yourself living in a $eautiful house? +ou
are the house. +our girlfriend comes visiting you for the first time.
+ou answer the door and invite her in. >verywhere is immaculate
except for one thing. In the corner of the room you have a cage and
in that cage is a forty3year3old man. +our girlfriend looks at you
and $ack at the man in the cage, and eventually asks you why this
man is locked up. +ou tell her that he saw something very $ad and
did not do anything a$out it. When she asks you what he could
have done a$out it you reply, !;hysically, there was nothing he
could have done when it happened, $ecause he was /ust a child of
six and the perpetrator was an adult, however,# you say, !"e
should have told someone else a$out it, even though he was only
six at the time.# 5he now says, !+ou are punishing a $oy of six for
over thirty years.# !+es,# you reply, !"ow can I forgive him?#
(his girl feels a cold shiver and thinks to herself !(oday
was the day I had intended to share some painful secrets with this
man, $ut if he cannot show forgiveness for a six year old $oy, who
had no control over an incident that happened over thirty years ago,
how can he possi$ly have empathy or show compassion for me as
an adult?# 5he says !I have spent so many years coping and
dealing with many issues, traumas etc, that have occurred in my
life. I have spent many years trying to come to terms with, deal,
-@2
and heal from what happened to me as a child. (hrough therapy I
am learning forgiveness of my inner child. If this man cannot show
forgiveness of his own inner child a child of only six%, how can he
possi$ly understand or show compassion for my inner child?#
(oday, try and take some time out for yourself. &sk
yourself, have you $een punishing your inner child? "ave you
$een feeling guilty and responsi$le and punishing yourself, for
events that have happened in the past, events that were $eyond
your control and for which you were not responsi$le?
Femem$er the child is never guilty. If you have $een
punishing your inner child, you may need to learn forgiveness of
that little child within. (his may take time, care and nurturing.
)ou may need professional help to get in touch with
your inner child
& child waiting to $e re3$orn.
& child waiting to $e accepted.
& child waiting to $e free.
& child who can only $e freed $y you.
& child who can only $e forgiven $y you.
Affirmation
I give freedom to my inner child.
I accept my inner child.
I heal my inner child.
I am my inner child.
I am me.

-@6
"he +ell
(,?)
&he !ell
"he well is symbolic of the Self. "he water in the well
symbolises all you ha%e in life.
Ha%e you checked u! on your lifes resources recently?
How are you feeling today?
$o you feel full of life?
$o you feel full of energy?
Are you bursting at the seams and o%erflowing with all you
ha%e to gi%e?
Are you o%erflowing with lo%e& oy and abundance& or do
you ha%e little or nothing more left for yourself or anyone else?
>ach and every one of us has our own supply of life0s
resources. (his could $e likened to a well, the fountain of life or
the spring of life.
"ave you looked into your well recently? Aooked at your
life, your way of $eing%?
"ow much water is in your well? Is it almost drained dry,
practically empty? .o you feel your health or your life is $eing
drained away%?
"ow clean is the water in your well? Is it sparkling,
healthy and free flowing, going with the flow of life or is it dull,
polluted and stagnant? Is your physical $ody free from toxins and
pollutants%?
-@9
Is your emotional $ody free from emotional and mental
$aggage?
When you look in your well is the water clear? Can you
look at yourself and see clearly what is going on within%?
.o you feel you have enough water left for the remainder
of your /ourney !your life?# Is your well overflowing with plenty
of life0s resourcesB love, happiness, /oy, good food etc.%?
"ave you $een living your life to its full potential, or has
your well dried up from lack of use? "ave you $een relying on
others for your supply of life0s resources health, happiness, fun,
/oy etc.%?
"as your well clogged up $ecause you have allowed others
to dump their ru$$ish in it emotional, physical and mental
ru$$ish%? "ave you $een allowing the dumping of ru$$ish on your
$eing, $locking your life0s resources%? "ave you yourself $een
dumping ru$$ish in your well poor diet, little exercise%? "as this
dumping caused you ill health?
&re you down to a trickle of water, $arely enough for you
to survive? &re you /ust a$out coping with life%? &re you allowing
other people to take water from your well without your prior
permission? .id you explain to them that it was necessary to ask
you first if they wanted water from your well?
"ave you encouraged others to find their own tools for
their survival activate their own wells%, or did you do it for them,
not allowing them to learn for themselves? "ave you given water
time, money etc.% to people who had no regard for where it came
from and so discarded it indiscriminately no value on you or your
resources%?
"ave you kept your well serviced and in a good state of
repair. "ave you kept your $ody, mind and spirit healthy? .oes it
sometimes make you feel good when others depend on you for
their very existence, even at a cost to you and your health?
-@:
"he +ell
,nly when you learn to activate your own well and keep it
clean and topped up, can you help others to do the same. +ou
cannot take anyone where you haven0t $een.
!hat can you do now?
+ou can $ecome more aware and say !no# when you
realise ru$$ish is $eing dumped in your well. +ou can learn to
create stronger $oundaries around your well to prevent any more
ru$$ish $eing dumped in it. +ou may need to do this $efore it
$locks your well completely.
+ou can $ecome more aware of how, when and $y whom
your well is $eing drained. +ou can learn to check your well on a
regular $asis $y getting regular health checks%. +ou can learn not
to give away water indiscriminately. +ou can learn it is not your
responsi$ility to satisfy the needs of others. +ou can learn you do
not need to $e thirsty ill% $efore checking your supply of water
your health%.
+ou can learn it is only when your own well is full or
overflowing, that you can really afford to give water away and then
only to someone who needs it to survive until they can activate
their own supply of water. Intil they can find the resources they
need to survive on their own%.
It is never too late to check your well It is never too late to
check your life0s resources%.
(oday ask your guides, your 7od, your angels to help you
lift the lid on your well your life%.
(ake a peek inside 9 do not $e afraid.
>verything you need to activate and clean out your well, if
needed, is availa$le to you for the asking.
-@<
!ith your new awareness you will be able to make any
necessary changes. Awareness does not go away, it brings
freedom H freedom of choice and freedom to be.
Affirmation
I will check my life0s resources.
I will not $e afraid to say !no# to those who are dumping
their ru$$ish in my well.
I will create and maintain strong $oundaries to protect my
resources.
I will not give away water indiscriminately.
I will allow and encourage others to activate their own
life0s resources.
I will take care of and cherish the resources that have $een
given to me for my life.
-@=
2es!onsibility
(,@)
<esponsibility
$o you feel laden down and o%erburdened with
res!onsibility?
$o you feel life itself is a burden for you?
$o you feel that you ha%e been taking res!onsibility for
other !eo!le and now it has become too much for you?
$o you realise you are not res!onsible for anyone but
yourself?
If you have children in your care you have a responsi$ility
to them and their needs. +ou can affect the course they take, $ut
you cannot take full responsi$ility for their $ehaviour. (hey will
have learned $ehaviours, learned from parents, peers, friends and
society. (hey will apply this $ehaviour when circumstances trigger
a memory where they have applied similar $ehaviours in the past,
and where those $ehaviours were effective for them.
+ou are responsi$le for everything you say and do, $ut you
are not responsi$le for another person0s reaction.
Their reaction is based on their past.
>verything that has happened to you up to this moment has
created the person you are in this moment. "owever, how you
$ehave in this moment, is creating the person you will $e in the
next moment.
Aiving in the moment is so important $ecause you are
creating the !you# for tomorrow.
+ou cannot change the past.
-@?
(he future is only a possi$ility.
(here is only the moment 1 this moment.
+ou are not responsi$le for anyone $ut yourself.
(oday ask yourself, are you trying to take responsi$ility
for someone else0s $ehaviour? If so it may $e time to stand $ack
and allow them their learnings. 4ext time think $efore /umping and
pro$lem solving, take a deep $reath and ask yourself, !Is this good
for me?# !Is this good for the person I am trying to take
responsi$ility for?#
Is there something you need to learn?
Is there some past $ehaviour patterns you need to look at?
Affirmation
(ake a deep $reath and repeatH
I will only take responsi$ility for my own actions and
$ehaviours.
-)@
$ont .e ;ooled .y 4e
(5A)
Don2t 6e Eooled 6y 8e

.on0t $e fooled $y me.
.on0t $e fooled $y the face I wear, for I wear a thousand
masks. 8asks that I am afraid to take off, and none of them is me.
;retending is an art that0s second nature to me, $ut don0t
$e fooled, for "eaven0s sake don0t $e fooled.
I give the impression that I0m secure, that the water0s calm,
I0m in command, and I need no one. *ut please don0t $elieve me.
8y surface may seem smooth, $ut my surface is my mask.
*eneath this lies my complacence. *eneath dwells the real me in
confusion, in fear, and aloneness. *ut I hide this. I don0t want
any$ody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear $eing
exposed. (hat0s why I frantically create a mask to hide $ehind, a
nonchalant, sophisticated facade, to help me pretend, to shield me
from the glance that knows. *ut such a glance is precisely my
salvation. 8y only salvation, and I know it. (hat is, if it0s followed
$y acceptance, if it0s followed $y love. It0s the only thing that will
assure me of what I can0t assure myself, that I0m worth something.
*ut I don0t tell you this. I don0t dare. I0m afraid to. I0m
afraid your glance will not $e followed $y acceptance, and love.
I0m afraid you0ll think less of me that you0ll laugh at me,
and your laugh would kill me.
I0m afraid that deep down I0m nothing, that I0m no good,
and that you will see this and re/ect me.
5o I play my game, my desperate game, with a facade of
assurance without, and a trem$ling child within.
-))
&nd so $egins the parade of masks, and my life $ecomes a
front.
I idly chatter to you in suave tones of surface talk. I tell
you everything is really nothing, and nothing of what0s everything,
of what0s crying within me. 5o, when I0m going through my
routine, do not $e fooled $y what I0m saying.
;lease listen carefully and try and hear what I0m not
saying, what I0d like to $e a$le to say, what for survival I need to
say, $ut what I can0t say.
*&uthor unknown.
-)-
"he :nly 2eality +e @now
(51)
&he 'nly <eality !e Inow
/s there someone you know who may be creating the only
reality they know?
Are you creating the only reality you know& your reality
meaning what is real and normal for you?
"his can be your way of li%ing& your way of life& your way
of dealing with e%eryone and e%erything around you& your way of
co!ing& your way of sur%i%ing in life& your belief system.
If you $elieve that your particular way of $eing, your way
of $ehaviour, your way of coping and dealing with life is normal
then that is your reality. (his could mean that you see
dysfunctional, addictive, controlling or aggressive $ehaviour as
normal. 5ome of these $ehaviours could $e harmful to you or to
others, i.e. family or friends. If it is the only way you have learned
how to deal and cope with life, then it is the only reality you know
or may have known all your life.
3owe"er this does not mean that your beha"iour is
acceptable or appropriate beha"iour.
5ome of these $ehaviours you will have learned from the
role models you had as a child such as parents, teachers, or family
mem$ers. +ou will also have discovered some of these $ehaviours
as coping methods yourself. +ou may not have experienced happy,
functional and harmonious relationships. +ou may have o$served
many unhappy and dysfunctional relationships over many years.
Within these relationships there may have $een constant arguments
with a$usive, addictive or aggressive $ehaviour. If this has $een
-)2
your reality to date, it may have seemed like a normal reality to
you in forming a $elief system of how life is.
& change in this $elief system this reality% could $e
$rought a$out $y a new awareness, a new $elief system, a new
relationship, a new /o$ or a change in living conditions.
With a new awareness you may enter a happy, harmonious
and functional relationship, or the relationship you are already in,
could change and $ecome more harmonious and happy. +ou may
adapt and feel comforta$le with this relationship for a time. &s
time passes you may find yourself sa$otaging the relationship,
$ecause this type of relationship is unfamiliar to you. +ou may
sa$otage this relationship without $eing consciously aware of it,
e.g. $y constantly picking arguments, $y $eing impatient or
intolerant over minor issues. +ou may also sa$otage this
relationship $y inappropriate $ehaviour patterns. When you do this
and disharmony and unhappiness sets in, you will find you are now
$ack on familiar ground again.
+ou have now created once again the only reality you
know, when it comes to relationships i.e. disharmony and
unhappiness.
#f re$ection is your reality
+ou could have first experienced this re/ection prior to
$irth, during childhood or adulthood. If a child feels re/ection $y a
parent or parents, it is most likely the child will in turn re/ect itself.
(he only reality you may now know is reection.
If you find you are $eing accepted, appreciated or admired
$y someone who loves you, you may $ehave in such a way that
will create a situation, which will $ring a$out re/ection. +ou may
also find if you are praised or rewarded for work you have done,
you may create a situation that will $ring a$out criticism or
re/ection.
-)6
Ways of causing re/ection include minimising what you
have achieved or accomplished, aggressive or a$usive $ehaviour,
overeating, under eating, self3re/ection, self3harming or unhygienic
$ehaviour patterns. &s long as you can $ring a$out a situation
where you create and experience re/ection, the level of this
re/ection is often irrelevant.
#f chaos is your realityH
+ou may have experienced chaos in your family as a child.
+ou may have lived in a home where there were constant
arguments, a$usive or aggressive $ehaviour, you the child never
knowing when you would feel safe or secure. Inconsistent
$oundaries, no set time ta$les for sleeping or meal times,
conflicting and confusing $ehaviour patterns, and poor role
modelling $y your parents. &ll of these can contri$ute to a reality
of chaos.
#f abuse is your realityH
+ou may find yourself in a$usive and aggressive
situations, sometimes without even $eing consciously aware of
how you got yourself into the given situation. *ecause a$use may
$e your reality, you may $e attracting aggressive or a$usive
$ehaviour physical, emotional, mental or sexual. (his may
continue to happen until you find the cause and then get help to
heal from it.
Dor all of us there are many types of !reality.# (hese can
$e control, unhappiness, disharmony, a$use, re/ection, chaos, fear
and many others.
Initially it may $e difficult to live with anything other than
the reality you know. When you $ecome aware of how you are
recreating your reality over and over again, and how much hurt and
harm it is doing to you and those around you, it is only then that
you can make the necessary changes to learn and heal.
-)9
+ou can have a functional and healthy life if you are
prepared to make these changes. +ou may need help to recognise
when, and how, your $ehaviour is affecting yourself and those
around you.
+ou may need help and guidance to see that the reality you
are working with, may have $een the only reality you ever knew.
+ou can change all of this to a new, happier, healthier and
functional way of living a new reality%.
Case 3istory
&nn was $orn the second eldest of fourteen children. 5he
learned at a very early age how to control. Dor her it was the only
safe position to $e in. +ou could not get hurt if you were in
control, or so she $elieved%. *oth her parents were very strict, her
mother $eing the dominant one. &nn and other mem$ers of the
family had difficulty relating to their father. "e was a very silent
man and the only time he really conversed with his family, was
after he had consumed a certain amount of alcohol.
,ver the years his drinking $inges $ecame more and more
fre'uent. &rguments would develop $etween $oth parents over
shortages of money. ,n the occasional 5unday her father would go
to morning church, and not return until after closing time in the
local pu$ or well into the next morning. &nn would hear her
mother crying and shouting, $ecause of his late arrival home and
the $urned dinner. "er father0s drinking and late arrivals $ecame a
regular occurrence. "er mother annoyed and frustrated $y all this,
would regularly pack her $ags and leave the house. 5ometimes it
might only $e for an hour, sometimes a day, sometimes it would
only $e a threat, $ut it had the same effect on &nn. 5he lived in
fear that one day her mother would actually leave the home and
never come $ack.
5unday was one of the worst days of the week for &nn.
"er father would attend the )).am. service in the local church with
a promise of $eing home for dinner at ).pm. With each hour that
-):
passed after ).pm. and no sign of her father returning, &nn would
$ecome tense and apprehensive. &s evening time approached and
with still no sign of him coming home, &nn would $ecome
crippled with fear, $ecause of the possi$le conse'uences of her
father arriving home late, drunk, and disorderly.
,ver the years as &nn grew older, she tried to compensate
for her father0s lack of responsi$ility. "er father was never a$usive
with alcohol, $ut his tolerance level to the family0s ups and downs
$ecame less and less over the years. &nn gave her mother most of
the money she earned, and all the time she could spare, feeling in
some way this would make amends, for the pain caused to her
mother $y her father0s drinking and general $ehaviour.
&s &nn grew older she learned how she could control and
fix situations that seemed impossi$le and out of control to
everyone else. In later years she took up employment where she
felt many people needed fixing, 1 she $ecame a nurse. 5he also
learned to control her feelings. (he child, who could not control
her father0s sickness, was now the adult who was going to fix the
world and everyone in it. 5he was a good nurse and worked way
$eyond the call of duty. 5he learned that if you did not !feel# you
did not get hurt. !Deelings# were something you read a$out in a
$ook. (hey were something other people experienced, $ut they
were not for &nn, a luxury she $elieved she could not afford.
In later years &nn got married and had two children. "er
hus$and, like her father, also had a drink pro$lem. (his time &nn
was smarter. >very morning when her hus$and was leaving for
work, she would ask him how much money he had in his pocket.
5he would say she needed the amount he had and more to pay for
something for the house, herself or the children. "er hus$and0s
$ehaviour patterns were similar to that of her father. "e would
come home when he chose, $lame others for his lateness and his
drunkenness, and make promises, which were never kept. &nn had,
in marrying a man similar to her father, started a new life of !the
only reality she knew.# (he only reality she knew was chaos, never
-)<
knowing, fear of relaxing, fear of not $eing in control, fear of
re/ection.
&nn made it virtually impossi$le for her hus$and to
overindulge in alcohol, $ut he still somehow managed to get drunk.
If there was a gold medal for control, &nn said she would have got
it during those years. 5he listed off her tactics. 5he would
sometimes go out drinking with her hus$and, $ut !forget# to $ring
enough money for extra drink. 5ometimes &nn would pretend to
feel ill a$out an hour $efore they were due to leave for a night out,
so $oth she and her hus$and would have to stay at home. &t times
she would delay the $a$y3sitter so they would go out late, and
arrive at the $ar /ust $efore closing time. 5ometimes she would
mislay the keys of the car, to delay them $oth from going out.
&s &nn0s control got stronger, her hus$and0s desperation
got stronger too. "is tactics were, he would go and have a few
drinks with the lads after work and arrive home drunk, and with
not enough time left for each of them to get changed and go out
again. 5ometimes he would send one of his mates to pick &nn up.
"e got a few sets of car keys cut, so as to avoid them getting !lost#
$y &nn.
&s the years passed &nn0s health started to deteriorate. "er
whole life had $ecome one of control and constant stress. 5he
would lie awake until the early hours of the morning, waiting for
the screeching of tyres announcing her hus$and0s return home. &t
last &nn could relax now that he had returned home, or could she?
5he still had to spend another few hours interrogating him,
screaming at him, crying with relief one moment that he was home
safe, then the next moment crying with anger and frustration that
he did not seem to care a$out how she felt or how she worried.
(heir two children were now $oth very much aware of the
pro$lems in their home and could see that !8om is always crying
and .ad is never at home.# &nn threatened suicide if her hus$and
did not stop drinking to excess. (his was a more serious type of
control and worked for a while. *ut then there were two children to
-)=
consider, so &nn was unlikely to resort to this extreme measure, or
so her hus$and $elieved.
5ince she never did attempt to commit suicide, this threat
wore a little thin as far as &nn0s hus$and was concerned. 5he tried
every tactic in the $ook now to control him like staying out all
night herself, so he could not leave the children. 1 "e got a $a$y3
sitter. 5he tried to stay drinking as long as he drank, $ut he won
again 1 she would then have to drive the car home in a drunken
state. "er hus$and never seemed to suffer the after effects of his
drinking, $ut &nn would have to get up early the next morning
with a hangover and drive the children to school.
>ventually the financial pro$lems started to escalate. 8ore
money was $orrowed to ena$le him to pay his $ills. 4ot alone was
&nn trying to control him, $ut she was also ena$ling him at this
stage as well%. &nn felt it was her responsi$ility to pay $ack the
$orrowed money and found herself under more pressure.
5he took on a part3time /o$ to ena$le her to pay off some
of the de$ts, $ut since her hus$and0s irresponsi$le $ehaviour
remained unchanged, matters did not improve. Dor &nn the more
money she earned, the more he spent. (he more time she spent out
of the home working, the more opportunities he had to stay in the
pu$. >ventually &nn realised her health could not sustain her
hus$and0s $ehaviour or her own.
5he attended for therapy and /oined an awareness group.
In time she felt a$le to stand $ack and o$serve and recognise the
part she was playing in the family0s pro$lems. *y now however
her survival techni'ues, controlling, denial and ena$ling, had
almost cost her, her home, her children and her health. "er
hus$and saw her detachment as not caring a$out him. &nn started
to take control of her own life, realising she could not take
responsi$ility for anyone $ut herself, and what is more she could
not change or control anyone $ut herself.
-)?
"er hus$and left her to go into a new relationship with a
woman who did not nag him or so he said%, $ut controls him in a
nicer way. &fter all you can control much $etter $y $eing nice than
$eing nasty, $ut it is control nonetheless. "ow many of us try to
control $y $eing silent, $y $eing a$usive, $y fear, $y strength, $y
kindness%?
&fter many years of therapy &nn still has to $e on her
guard and watch her $ehaviour patterns. "a$it is a difficult thing to
$reak. It is the !not knowing# when the rows will $egin, that can
cause tension in &nn. &t least when the chaos and rows are
happening she feels she can do something, $ecause she is $ack on
familiar ground again. When she finds herself recreating scenarios
from the past &nn has to consciously tell herself to !stop, and
then ask herself what is happening for her at this moment in time,
she has to ask herself, what is she feeling? Is it fear, is it anxiety, is
it hurt, guilt, shame, tension etc?
(here are many people whose lives and relationships have
$een very similar to &nn0s. &fter months of no rows, no 'uarrels,
no arguments, they may start to feel uneasy. >ven with a new and
healthy relationship, they may still find themselves getting uptight
and anxious when old memories are triggered. (hey may not
consciously pick an argument, $ut they may keep niggling and
picking on their partner until a full3$lown row develops.
(hey may not understand their $ehaviour at the time, $ut
during therapy sessions when they descri$e their actions and reflect
$ack, only then may they get an insight into their $ehaviour and the
reason for it. With help from a therapist, they can $egin to fully
understand, how they were in fact trying to $ring a$out a situation
again, which they had $een so familiar with, this $eing the only
reality they knew.
!hen you become aware of the reality you may be
recreating o"er and o"er again, then and only then, can you
with help and guidance make the necessary changes to heal
your life.
--@
A .oulder :n -our #ath
(5%)
A 6oulder 'n )our +ath
A boulder on your !ath is symbolic of a !roblem you may
encounter on your ourney through life.
$o you feel your ourney through life is& or has been
blocked by une(!lained ha!!enings?
$o you feel there are times when you ha%e difficulty
getting on with your life?
$o you sometimes feel& that there are insurmountable
obstacles on your !ath?
$o you feel no matter how hard you try to succeed on your
ourney& there is someone or something blocking& sto!!ing or
delaying you?
5ometimes on your /ourney, you may come across a
$oulder or o$stacle on your path. (his could happen during
childhood or it could happen at any stage of your life.
+our guides, 7od, your angels could have placed this
$oulder there in an attempt to slow you down or create a diversion
on your /ourney. (his $oulder could $e to facilitate a learning, or
indeed stop you on your /ourney. It could take the form of an
accident, ill health, family, social or work related pro$lems.
+ou may see this $oulder as insurmounta$le, or as an end
to your /ourney, especially if it is very large and appears suddenly
and without warning. 4o$ody goes through life without
experiencing some o$stacle $oulder% on their path.
Imagine it is a great o$stacle that has appeared on your
path. It comes as 'uite a shock to you, especially if it is the first
--)
time anything like this has ever happened to you. +ou may not
have sufficient tools enough resources or learnings% to deal with it.
+ou see this ma/or $oulder on the road. It is too large to go
around or to deny it is there. +ou cannot get through it you do not
have the tools to process it%. +ou cannot move it you have not got
the strength%. +ou may go into hopelessness $ecause you cannot
see your way around it.
+ou may exhaust yourself chipping away at this ma/or
o$stacle trauma% on your own. (he $elief can $e, !+ou must shift
the entire $oulder $efore you can move on.# +ou may need to look
at the alternatives you have. If you can create enough space to get
past this $oulder $y using the tools you do have, the experiences
and learnings you already have in life%, you can return at a later
date with help i.e. counsellors, therapists etc, to deal with and
process this ma/or o$stacle trauma%.
(his $oulder may have traumatiEed, delayed and shocked
you, $ut it has not killed you. +ou have survived your ordeal.
5ometimes it can take years, to o$tain all of the learnings
that you need, to deal with the o$stacles you encounter on your
path. "owever, it is knowing you can actually move on and get
help to deal with them that is important. .enying the $oulder is
there will not resolve the pro$lem. It is not going to go away of its
own accord. +ou will eventually need to deal with it 1 that is part
of your learning here.
If you $ypass your $oulder and do not deal with it, ac'uire
your learnings tools for life%, as soon as you can and then another
$oulder falls on your path, you are now caught $etween two
$oulders. 4ow that you are trapped on your /ourney, you cannot go
on, and you cannot go $ack. +ou did not learn from the first
$oulder at all. +ou did not ac'uire the tools in life that would help
you move along your path, or you did not avail or hold on to the
tools that were necessary to help you on your /ourney.
---
A .oulder :n -our #ath
*ut supposing you have learned. 5upposing you have the
tools that got you through the first $oulder the first o$stacle in
your life%, those tools will play a ma/or part in getting you through
the many other o$stacles, you may encounter on your future
/ourney.
1ee the tools you ha"e now.
(ake time out to look at those tools the learnings you have
achieved%. .o not deny your pro$lems o$stacles, $oulders%. Ise
the tools that are availa$le to you to process them to the $est of
your a$ilities as they happen. >ventually with help you may $e
a$le to clear away all the o$stacles on your path. .eal with your
issues and heal from them%.
5it down, take a deep $reath and ask yourselfH
"ave you passed a $oulder way $ack on your path?
What learnings tools% do you have now from dealing with
this o$stacle?
"ow $ig was this $oulder this o$stacle%?
"as another $oulder now appeared on your path?
.o you have the tools to deal with it?
.o you know where to start looking for the tools you had
when dealing with the previous $oulder?
&his may in fact be the first bolder you ha"e
encountered on your path.
5topM &sk yourselfH
What can you yourself do a$out this o$stacle?
Aook inside yourself.
--2
(ry to find the tools that can help you, from within yourself.
+ou may also need professional help.
&sk your guides, your 7od, your angels for help.
&lso ask for help in directing you to the source of help $est
suited to your needs.
3elp is a"ailable for you H all you need to do is ask.
(ife
;or a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to
begin 9 real life.
.ut there was always some obstacle in the way& something
to be got through first. Some unfinished business& time still to
ser%e& a debt to be !aid& then life would begin.
At last it dawned on me that these obstacles are my life.
? Author unknown.
--6
"he 6ail
(5*)
&he Gail
-ou may be on the recei%ing end of a controlling situation
or a controlling !erson.
-ou may be the !er!etrator of a controlling situation and
are attem!ting to control others.
#f neither of those statements are true at the moment, is
it possible there was a time in the past when you were in either
or both of those situations?
#f so what ha"e you learned?
"ow many of us have $uilt /ails in our lives? "ow many
keys to how many /ails do we hold in our hands? We may have
started to $uild these /ails from the moment we were $orn. "ow
many keys to how many lives are we now holding? "ow many
prisoners do we have in our /ails, hus$ands, wives, partners,
$oyfriends, girlfriends, children, parents, friends, relatives,
employers, or employees%? +ou may have your physical /ails and
you may have your emotional /ails.
Does this story relate to you?
.o you let some of your prisoners out of your /ail on the
odd occasion? .o you allow your family and friends freedom only
whenever you choose%? .o you hold others in your /ail for a
lifetime? .o you try to control some people throughout their
entire lives%?
.o you make the /ail sentence for some of your prisoners
!a living hell?#.o you enforce your opinions and your $elief
--9
systems? .o you try to manipulate and control others without any
regard for their health or well3$eing%?
.o you put other prisoners in cells that are $arely
ha$ita$le, cramped and unhealthy? .o you inflict cramped and
unhealthy living conditions on those in your care%? .o you keep
the keys to the cells on a long chain, so you can release your
prisoners for short periods of time and pull them $ack whenever
you choose? .o you have many lives at the end of a long chain,
lives that you can control and restrain whenever you choose%? &re
you afraid if you allow your prisoners their freedom, they may
discover new learnings, new ways of $eing? (his could mean, you
will no longer $e in control of them or their lives.
&re you afraid that if you allow your family their freedom
and their learnings, they will no longer have a need for you? .o
you make your /ail so comforta$le, that your prisoners may feel
guilty if they leave? (hey may feel inde$ted to you, for taking
responsi$ility for them and their $ehaviour.
When you grant your prisoners a day0s leave, do you put a
long chain on them so they do not ram$le too far? When your
partner, child or friend decides to take some time out away from
you, do you make it impossi$le for them to wander too far, or stay
away too long%? .o you put restrictions on their time, their finance
etc, so they will have to return to you whenever you decide they
should?
!e all play the part of the $ailor from time to time. !e
also play the part of the prisoner from time to time.
&ake a dysfunctional marriage for e.ample.
,ne partner may refuse to agree to end the relationship,
$ecause it will allow the other person to go free. ,ne person may
attempt to stop or curtail the other person0s freedom, $y
withholding finance, refusing to sign agreements or $y aggressive,
manipulative or controlling $ehaviour. *oth of these people are in
/ail. (hey are $oth playing a part.
--:
"he 6ail
(ake a /o$ for example. ,ne person may refuse to leave, in
case it opens up opportunities and gives options to others. (he
/ailer will not leave in case the prisoners escape and have their
freedom. (heir freedom of choice%.
3a"e you been a $ailer at times throughout your life?
"ow often do you hold people to a particular way of $eing
or doing, regardless of their circumstances? "ow often may$e as a
parent do you hold your children to promises, which they have
made to you, $ut are now una$le to keep? "ow often do you expect
your families to do what is $eyond their capa$ilities? When they
grow older, perhaps with families of their own, you may expect
them to call on a particular day at a particular time, regardless of
their health, well3$eing or family circumstances. &s children we
may also do this to our parents%.
+ou may have the key to their emotional needs. It could
possi$ly $e a need to $e praised or accepted%. +ou hold the key to
their prison. .o you let them out, for only as long as you see fit?
!hat about freedom, freedom of choice, freedom to be,
free will?
&sk yourself the 'uestion, !&re you in /ail?#
"ow often does your /ailer make promises of wealth,
property etc, for instance to a son, daughter, parent, partner,
relation or employee, /ust to hold or tie them to a family, company,
land or $usiness?
)ou are in $ail 1 but so are they.
"ow often does your /ailer make promises !for when you
retire?# "ow often does the prisoner stay on $est $ehaviour and
live in hope of an early release, or that his /ailer would move on,
only to discover on the day that he is released, that there was never
a lock on his door in the first place. "e had the choice at all times
whether to stay or go. 1 &t all times he had free will. 1 What a
waste of a lifetimeM
--<
What are you afraid of if you give someone his or her
freedom? &re you afraid they will go away and never return? &re
you afraid that you are the one who will feel alone? &re you afraid
of the choices they will make? ,r are you afraid, that the choices
they make may not include you?
"ow many of our children leave home, only to return
una$le to cope with the traumas and stresses of life outside !our
prison?# ;rison is the only reality they know. "ow many of us
leave dysfunctional /o$s or relationships, only to return to the same
or similar circumstances and situations at a later stage?
.oes it make you feel good that your children continually
return home to you, so you can sort out their pro$lems? &s your
children grow older, do you allow them to take care of their own
health and well3$eing? .o you impose your laws and regulations
on them, as to how and where they should live their lives?
Femem$er we have a responsi$ility to our children, $ut we are not
responsi$le for anyone $ut ourselves.
.o you give them limited information, not $ecause you do
not have it to give, $ut $ecause if you give unlimited knowledge or
freedom they may not come $ack?
.o you teach and inform your children how to avail of
life0s resources, or do you deny them their learnings $y supplying
them with all their wants and needs? If your children do not learn
how to cope with life and resolve life0s issues, they will
continually return to you, not for direction or help, $ut so that you
resolve their pro$lems for them.
#t may not seem like it on the surface, but these are all
forms of control, which we learn in order to keep our children,
families or friends in our prisons.
.o not forget that as long as you have held or try to hold
another human $eing in captivity, you are also in /ail. +ou are a
prisoner in your own /ail, and you are also the /ailer. +ou created
--=
"he 6ail
your prison to hold others, forgetting that you would also $e in
captivity as long as you held prisoners.
)ou hold the key.
+ou hold the key to their freedom and you hold the key to
your own freedom. +ou may think you are not holding anyone in
captivity, or that you yourself are not in captivity, $ut with the use
of control, power, manipulation and sometimes selfish kindness,
you can make it virtually impossi$le for someone to leave you, or
for you yourself to leave your /ail.
(ike the king in a later story you are in the position to
offer someone their freedom. Ereedom to think for themsel"es.
Ereedom to li"e. Ereedom to be.
)ou create your reality, whether you are the $ailer or
the prisoner.
+ou are the prisoner of your own thoughts, your own
conditioning, and your own reality, $ut you can never create a
reality for another.
When things $ecome un$eara$le, when this prison and the
prisoners in it are destroying everything you have, your health and
your entire $eing, you may ask your 7od or your guides for help.
When the guides send help it can come in many ways. "elp does
not always come in the way you might expect it. It could $e an
article you read in a magaEine or paper. It could $e a $ook you
$orrow or $uy, or someone may give it to you as a present. It could
$e something someone says to you, or perhaps you may receive
some guidance from a seminar or workshop you may attend. It
could come via therapy. It could simply $e a !thought out of the
$lue,# that may start you on the road to a new way of looking at
your life and situation.
--?
Eear can pre"ent you from escaping.
When you are in this situation, resem$ling a prisoner in
/ail, and you are holding on to the $ars of your cell $ecause of a
fear of letting go, what can you do?
Dirst of all you must let go of the $ars, $efore you can even
contemplate freedom. Aet go of conditioning. Aet go of old $elief
systems%. Aet go of the $ars of your prison so that the gate may $e
opened. +ou must !let go# of the safety of $eing in captivity, so
you can see the sunlight. >very day that you live without sunlight,
without nourishment, without love or without freedom is a day too
many. &s a /ailer you must also let go. Aet go and hand over the
keys of your /ail. Aet go of your need to control. Aet go of your
prisoners. +ou do have the choice.
Eree yourself.
(ime is not on your side. (he time for freedom is now.
,nly when you are free can you free those around you. When you
are free, you can live in harmony and in peace with those around
you.
In captivity your life is spent thinking a$out freedom. &
prisoner may even choose to die rather than spend a lifetime in
prison. With freedom you have choice. (his is either to return to
captivity or to remain free.
+ou must have and give freedomH
Dreedom to make choices.
Dreedom to $e as you want to $e.
Dreedom to ask for help.
Dreedom to accept help.
(here are those who would prefer to stay in prison stay in
a situation, /o$, family or relationship%, $ecause to $reak out of
-2@
"he 6ail
captivity and have freedom would mean taking on the
responsi$ility of surviving outside the prison, perhaps for the first
time in their lives.
1olomon tells a story about a Iing and his 1on
(here was a king who had one son. (he son in material
terms had everything he could ever want for. >very wish he had
was granted. &s this son grew older, he $egged his father for
freedom. Dreedom to leave the castle. Dreedom to follow his own
path in life.
5o one day his father said, !+ou may go.# &s soon as the
father0s words were spoken, the son felt panic, $ecause in those
words he understood what freedom really meant.
Ereedom meant
(aking responsi$ility for himself and for everything he did
and said.
Dreedom to choose.
Dreedom simply to !$e.#
(he son left the castle and started leading his own life. "e
then realised freedom was not what he really wanted. "e did not
really want to make choices. "e did not really want to take
responsi$ility for himself or his actions.
"e wanted freedom without responsi$ility.
1olomon tells the story about a sla"e
(he master has a slave tied at the end of a long rope. (he
slave seeks and $egs for freedom. (he master suddenly decides to
cut the rope and give him his freedom. Dor a while the slave
stum$les and falls, and then gets up and staggers around for a
while. "e then stands and realises he is free. 4ext he runs away as
far as he possi$ly can.
-2)
>ventually he stops and looks around him and wonders to
himselfH
!What happens next?#
!Where do I eat?#
!Where do I sleep?#
!Where do I work?#
4ow he realises what having freedom means, 1 it means
taking responsi$ility.
Fesponsi$ility for his work.
Fesponsi$ility to provide his own food.
Fesponsi$ility for a roof over his head.
Fesponsi$ility for his health.
Fesponsi$ility for himself.
1olomon tells the story about a dog
(his story is a$out a dog continually $arking to get out of
his shed. 5o you open the door, the dog rushes out, he turns
around, looks $ack and then goes $ack and sits on the doorstep.
1olomon gi"es a further image of a bird in a cage
(he $ird is fluttering around all day trying to get out. +ou
open the cage door to find the $ird flies only a few feet away from
the cage. "e then flies $ack to rest on top of the cage. &t least he
has choice now that he has $een given his freedom.
Felease your prisonersH ;eople, friends, relations,
employers, employees.
-2-
"he 6ail
Cnock down your /ailH ,ld $elief systems, conditioning,
fears.
,nly you can knock down your /ails, $ecause it was you
who $uilt them. When you do this, you are free to come and go as
you please, and so are they. (hey are free and so are you. Dree to
allow the universal energies to deal with and help each and every
one of us as they see fit.
We long for freedom at all times, $ut when and if we get it,
it may sometimes $e too late. (he a$ility of the prisoner to adapt to
new circumstances, to think for themselves, and to face the
challenges of life, may all seem insurmounta$le, following many
years in isolation and away from the learning experiences of life
outside the /ail.
When you look more closely, there may not have $een any
$ars on your windows. (here may not have $een any locks on your
doors. (here may not have $een any /ailor preventing you from
leaving at any time. +ou may have $een a prisoner of your own
thoughts, conditioning and $eliefs. +ou may have $een a prisoner
of someone else0s thoughts, conditioning and $eliefs.
.o not /udge yourself too harshly. +ou may have $een
working without awareness, and with the only knowledge you had
at the time.
With awareness you can make changes.
+ou can give freedom to your prisoners.
+ou can give freedom to yourself.
Affirmation
I am free.
I give freedom.
-22
(5,)
Do )ou Eeel (ost?
Are you lost?
$o you feel you do not know which way to turn?
Ha%e you gone astray?
$o you feel you may ha%e wandered off your !ath?
Were you travelling on what you thought to $e the right
road, or did you have a nagging feeling in your gut, that you had
gone astray somewhere along the way? Can you remem$er how
long ago it was, when you got this feeling first? "ow far $ack on
your /ourney did you feel you were gone or going astray? &t what
stage of your /ourney did you fail to recognise the signs the
warnings%?
.id you keep on goingB regardless of the fact you knew
you were completely lost?
.id you genuinely not notice the warning signs, or did you
see them, $ut chose to ignore them?
Did you notice the signs that said?
<oad flooded 1 +ou may have $een taking too much on
$oard, especially other people0s pro$lems and issues.
Dangerous bends. 1low down 1 .id you slow down and
take care of yourself, your health, and your general well3
$eing?
-26
$o -ou ;eel )ost?
<oad works ahead. +repare to stop 1 .id you run slap
$ang into the road works crisis% or were you a$le to stop
in time?
(hese are some of the o$stacles you encountered in life.
5ome were meant to slow you down or stop you temporarily. .id
you drive through these o$stacles regardless of the conse'uences?
.id you use means to get through your difficult times, that were
not always healthy or positive i.e. drink, drugs, addictive or
dysfunctional $ehaviour?
!hite line. Do not cross 1 .id you cross this line,
$reaking $oundaries, trespassing on other people0s space,
not recognising your own or other people0s $oundaries?
Crossroads ahead 1 .id you reach a crossroads in your
life, where it was necessary for you to make ma/or
decisions? .id you ignore those decisions and allow
someone else to decide for you? +ou may not have known
which way to turn at the crossroads, and so allowed
someone else to decide which way you should go? ,r, did
you go straight through the crossroads $elieving that you
would eventually find your way?
!hen you found you were completely lost
.id you stop, get out of the car situation% and take a look
around you?
.id you ask for help?
.id you ask for directions?
.id you continue to drive aimlessly around going from
place to place from friends to your doctor to neigh$ours
etc.% never knowing where you were going and not
knowing where you would end up? +ou may have $een
$urning up fuel, wearing out your car $urning up your
-29
life0s resources%, wearing yourself out, going nowhere,
very little to show for your life%.
Were you travelling so fast that you did not see any signs
or any o$stacles?
.o you need to crash in order for you to stop? .o you
need to crash physically, emotionally or mentally in order
for you to stop%?
+our /ourney may have started with indecision, indecisive
parents, indecisive teachers, not having a sense of direction
themselves%.
Were the directions you did receive during childhood,
clear, or confusing?
.id you feel at different stages of your /ourney, that you
were not heading in the right direction?
Is it possi$le that the /ourney you travelled was $ased on
conditioning? Conditioning says, !.o not ask why. .o not
show fear. .o not ask 'uestions. Ceep going at all costs.#
.o you have difficulty in admitting you may have made a
mistake or taken a wrong turn a mistake in the road you
chose%?
.id you choose a fellow traveller that you allowed to lead
you astray?
+ou may have now reached a point on your /ourney where
you feel tired and exhausted. +ou may have worked with the only
knowledge you had in the past.
It is what you do now that is important. If you have learned
even one small lesson from your /ourney then it is positive. +ou
cannot go $ack. +ou cannot change the past, $ut you can learn
from it.
-2:
$o -ou ;eel )ost?
+ou can use the learnings from your past /ourney to ena$le
you to have a more positive, safe and healthy /ourney in the future.
*ut first you must stop.
!hene"er you feel lost H stop. &ake a deep breath and
ask yourself
Where am I?
Where am I going?
Where do I want to go?
Is this /ourney for my greater good?
What type of fellow travellers would I like to share my
/ourney with?
:o with your gut feelings rather than conditioning.
We all get lost from time to time. .o not $e afraid to ask
for directions. (here is no road that has not $een travelled $efore.
We all come to a crossroads, at some stage of our /ourney through
life. It is not how fast you get through it, 1 it is !how# you get
through it and what you learn on the way.
&he ne.t time you commence a new $ourney
7ive yourself permission to use all the new tools, new
learnings and techni'ues you have ac'uired and developed. 7ive
yourself permission to ask for help and directions.
If you feel you are $eing misled give yourself permission
to say !no.# 8ost of all give yourself permission to learn from
your experiences.
With your experiences and learnings from life, you could
$e a signpost for someone else on their /ourney.
-2<
)ou may be feeling a bit battered and worn out from
your $ourney so far, but gi"e yourself credit you have sur"i"ed
it.
Affirmation
I will $ecome more aware of the signposts on my /ourney.
I will learn to stop when I feel I have gone astray.
I will learn to seek directions when I feel lost.
I ask my 7od, my guides, my angels to guide me on my
/ourney.
-2=
#otholes
(55)
+otholes
&his story is about how you learn from life2s
e.periences. #t is about the choices you can make in life.
$o you learn from lifes e(!eriences?
$o you sometimes say to yourself when you ha%e re!eated
a !attern that did not work for you in the !ast& 9+ill / e%er
learn?
$o you learn from life or do you continue with old
beha%iour !atterns& hurting and !unishing yourself and sometimes
hurting and !unishing those around you& your family& friends and
colleagues?
Are you learning from your e(!eriences and making the
necessary changes to create a ha!!y& healthy and balanced life?
)ou do ha"e choices in your life and in how you learn.
Imagine every evening on your way home from work
when it is generally dark, you run into a pothole damaging your car
tyre. (hen every morning you get out of $ed to discover you have a
flat tyre. &t this stage, you notice that the rim of your wheel is also
damaged. *ecause of all of this you are late for work again. +ou
are also annoyed and frustrated. +ou do not know where the
pothole is. +ou do not have the time or energy to go looking for it.
+ou hope that may$e someone else will discover it, fix it, fill it in
or repair it. (his pothole may not $e $othering anyone else.
4o$ody else may $e aware of it.
-2?
,ne day you discover the pothole. >ven at this point you
do have a choice.
). +ou could fill in the pothole.
-. +ou could go home a different way.
2. +ou could get someone else to fill in the pothole.
6. +ou could avoid the pothole.
9. +ou could change your place of work.
!here are the potholes in your life?
&re there aspects of your life $othering you and causing
you pain? &re you having difficulty finding the cause let
alone deal with it?
Is there someone or something delaying you on your
/ourney through life? When you realise what is causing
this delay your o$stacles, discomforts and pains% you then
have choices, regarding what means you may use to
resolve or repair them.
At all times you do ha"e choices.
Imagine every morning you hurt your hand as you pass
through the kitchen door, and every evening you pass $ack through
the same door hurting your hand again. What can you do to prevent
yourself from $eing hurt? .o you avoid the door altogether? .o
you leave the kitchen using a different door? .o you stop to
examine the door? It could $e /ust a loose screw, or the door could
$e a$out to fall on you or some$ody else causing serious in/ury.
;erhaps it may not have $een fitted properly in the first place.
&voiding issues in life does not resolve them. 4othing
changes if you do not change that which is causing you hurt or
pain. "ow much pain and inconvenience do you have to
experience, $efore you take action? .o not expect that someone
else is going to resolve your pro$lem. (hey may not $e even aware
-6@
#otholes
that there is a pro$lem, and if they are aware, it may not $e hurting
or inconveniencing them in any way.
&oday look at the potholes in your life.
What do you need to do to make changes in your working
life, marriage, family or relationships? 5mall potholes could $e
occurring, without your awareness. It is only when they $ecome
$igger or cause inconvenience, pain or hurt, that you may
sometimes $ecome aware of them.
&oday is the day when you need to look at your life.
Aook at your potholes.
Aook at what or who is causing you pain.
Aook at the choices availa$le to you.
7et help if you need to fill in your potholes. If there are
potholes affecting your life, do not deny that they are there.
<eward yourself no matter how little for your
awareness and your courage in dealing with your potholes.
Affirmation
(oday I will examine the potholes in my life.
I have many choices in how I can deal with the potholes in
my life.
I will make the appropriate changes to deal with the
potholes in my life.
-6)
(57)
Don2t 3it &he 6all 6ack
$o you !lay games& !hysical& emotional or mental?
+hat do you do when you are in a situation where there
are constant arguments and disagreements& which ne%er seem to
end?
$o you always ha%e to ha%e the last word or do you let it
go?
What can you do when someone is constantly !pressing
your $uttons# in an inappropriate or unaccepta$le manner, i.e.
making comments which they know you will respond to, especially
if it concerns you or someone close to you, or issues you may have
a strong $elief a$out, or opinion on?
What can you do when someone is constantly !pressing
your $uttons# $y continually picking arguments with you over
what are seemingly minor issues?
What can you do when someone is constantly criticising
you or the work you do, criticising your family, friends, morals,
$elief system or ethics?
5ee this ongoing scenario like a game of tennis. "ow do
you stop playing a game that you do not like, a game that is not
healthy for you? If you engage in unhealthy game playing with
another person, it may $e harmful for you physically, emotionally
and mentally.
-6-
$ont Hit "he .all .ack
3ow do you stop this game playing?
(he answer is simple 1 .on0t hit the $all $ackM
(he next time this person hits the $all to you angry words,
criticism etc.% the $all will $e in your court. Aook at the $all listen
to the angry words, criticisms etc%. (ake a deep $reath and ask
yourselfH
.o I want to play this game anymore?
&re there any learnings for me in this game?
&m I wasting valua$le time playing a game where there
are little or no learnings for me?
!hat can you do ne.t?
Dirst of all you can restrain yourself hold your tongue%.
Don2t hit the ball backJ
-our part of the game will now have ended.
+ou may express to this person that you do not feel like
playing this game anymore. It may $e difficult for you to walk
away. "a$it is a very difficult thing to $reak. +ou do have a choice
at all times whether you continue to play this game or not.
(he other player also has a choice whether to stop or
continue playing this game with you. If they wish to continue the
game, and you do not wish to play with them, it is their choice
whether they seek out a new partner, who will play their game.
(he next time the $all is in your court, no matter who has
hit it or how hard it has $een hit, take a deep $reath. &sk yourself,
!Is this game good for me?# If it is not, 1 then let it go. .onQt hit
the $all $ack. +ou do have the choice, to find another court with a
new partner and play a game $est suited to your needs.
-62
(oday take note of situations where you have difficulty
!holding your tongue.# (here is a difference $etween expressing
your feelings and engaging in unhealthy game playing.
Affirmation
I will choose the game that is $est suited to my needs.
I will choose the partner with whom I will have the
greatest learnings.
I will choose the games in life, which are $est suited for
my evolvement.
I will learn to distinguish $etween expressing how I feel,
and prolonging an argument tit for tat game playing%.
I will learn when not to hit the $all $ack.
-66
"y!es :f ;ear
(5;)
&ypes 'f Eear
/s fear controlling your life?
$o you feel fearful?
$o you ha%e an unknown sense of fear?
$o you know the cause of your fear?
$o you ha%e fear of fear?
Eear is like a raging mad dog locked in a shed.
(he dog can control you in the same way that fear does.
+ou are afraid to open the door, $ecause you are not sure what is
really inside. +ou can hear the noise, you can hear the $arking, $ut
the longer you listen and do nothing and the longer it goes on, the
worse it $ecomes.
"ow $ig is the dog? (he longer he is locked up, the $igger
he $ecomes in your mind. "owever, if you allow the dog to come
out, you can at least see how $ig or small this dog really is. +ou
are afraid to let the dog out and like fear you keep it locked up. *ut
if you let out this dog this fear%, you can at least confront him. It is
what he might do, that creates the fear. Dear locked in $ecomes
greater and greater, $ut when you allow the fear out and confront
it, it then loses its power.
&ypes of fear to name $ust a few
Dear of loss, fear of not having enough, fear of failure, fear
of success, fear of change, fear of letting go, fear of illness, fear of
$eing close in case of loss%, fear of trust, fear of fear.
-69
When loss is experienced, especially of someone close,
fear of loss can create a fear of trust in case we lose again.
Dear of not having enough can cause a hoarding pattern,
holding on to anything whether it $e of value or not. It can
also cause greed.
Dear of failure can prevent us from moving forward and
$eing successful.
Dear of success can cause us to hold $ack on /o$ promotion
etc, $ecause of the pressure and responsi$ility it may
entail.
Dear of change can stop us moving on, expanding and
taking on life0s challenges.
Dear of letting go can cause a holding pattern. "olding on
to our outdated $elief systems, holding on to /o$s,
properties, families and relationships that are no longer of
any learning value to us.
Dear of trustH When trust has $een $roken we may have a
fear of trusting again.
Are you being controlled by fear?
Are you controlling through fear?
AffirmationH
I will not allow myself to $e controlled $y fear.
I will not allow myself to control others through fear.
-6:
Acting :n Assum!tions
(5?)
Acting 'n Assumptions
Can assum!tions sometimes be a source of annoyance to
you or to others?
$o you make assum!tions and then act on those
assum!tions? Can this be a source of annoyance to other !eo!le
or can it ha%e a !ositi%e outcome?
$o !eo!le make assum!tions about you from time to time?
$o they make assum!tions about where you are going& what you
are doing& what you may be doing& or where you may be going?
$o they sometimes act on those assum!tions? Are the
assum!tions sometimes correct and at other times incorrect?
We all make assumptions from time to time. &s children
we assume that we will have enough to eat and drink and enough
love to survive. We assume our parents will take good care of us
physically, emotionally, and mentally, and that they will also
ensure that we get a good education, and following that, a good
/o$. &s adults we assume that if we work hard enough, we will $e
rewarded and get ade'uately paid for the work we do.
&ssumptions do not allow for human $ehaviour or error.
When we act on assumptions we can sometimes come up against a
num$er of pro$lems. "umans are not predicta$le. (heir actions
and emotions are governed $y lifeQs experiences $oth past and
present.
We can make assumptions a$out the regular opening hours
of our local petrol station, and if we call there for petrol and the
sign says !,pen# we are right to assume we will get petrol. (aking
human $ehaviour into account the petrol attendant may have
-6<
finished work and forgotten to switch off the !,pen# sign and turn
on the !Closed# sign. *ut if we act on the assumption that we will
get petrol, even though the person in the last car that pulled out
told us the station was closed, we could waste hours waiting for the
petrol attendant to come $ack.
,n the other hand if someone says to you !Koe I am not
feeling well, I have got terri$le chest pains.# +ou may possi$ly
assume he is going to have a heart attack and act on this
assumption. +ou take him to hospital where he does have a heart
attack, 1 so you assumed correctly. +ou assumed and acted upon
something that could have saved this man0s life. +ou may have
acted this way $ecause you had an experience in the past, where
someone close to you died $ecause action was not taken fast
enough, 1 in this case you have assumed correctly.
5upposing your next3door neigh$our is out cutting the
lawn and cuts his finger with the lawnmower. +ou cut your finger
last week doing a similar /o$, $ut you were okay, so you assume
that your neigh$our is also okay. "e is looking very pale and
losing $lood. "e asks you to take him to the hospital, $ut you
convince him it is not necessary to seek medical attention, $ased on
your own experience last week. +ou are now acting on an
assumption. +ou discover a week later that this man has a serious
infection. 1 +our assumption here was incorrect.
5upposing you walk into a $ar and you assume $y the way
a certain individual is looking at you, that he is going to hit you.
(his poor man may have a pro$lem with his sight, and he is trying
to figure out if he knows you or not. +ou act on your assumptions
and go and hit him first, only to find this man had no ill will
towards you at all. 1 +ou are now acting on an assumption that is
incorrect.
+ou may assume someone is hungry and prepare a meal
for them after their long /ourney, $ut you did not ask them if they
had eaten or not. +ou assumed $ecause of the early morning drive,
that nowhere would $e open, only to find, that they had eaten a
-6=
Acting :n Assum!tions
meal at the new -6 hour restaurant, which had opened up along the
route. 1 +ou have now wasted a lot of time and money on an
assumption.
We assume someone will or will not do something,
/udging $y the way we ourselves would $ehave in similar
circumstances. We are not this person. We are not allowing them
to ask for or tell us, what they want, or what their needs are. ,ur
experience may $e similar, $ut never the same. "ow many times
have you said, !I assumed you would $e there?#
We do not have the right to assume for someone else, no
more than they have the right to assume for us.
We must learn when to act on assumptions and when not
to act on assumptions.
We need to allow others to explain or tell us what they
want or do not want.
We may have similar experiences, $ut everyone0s
individual reaction to a similar situation, is $ased on their
past experiences and how they themselves dealt with issues
in the past.
We can never assume that another individual will act or
react as we do.
We can never assume that the needs of others will $e the
same as our needs. We do not have that right.
Affirmation
I will endeavour to find out the true fact a$out a person or
situation rather than act on an assumption.
-6?
(5@)
Allowing Eree !ill
$o you allow others their freedom of choice or do you
mani!ulate others for your own benefit?
Are you aware that at all times you ha%e free will?
Are you aware that other !eo!le ha%e free will at all
times?
Ha%e you e%er been in a situation where someone tried to
interfere with your free will?
Ha%e you e%er found that you yourself tried to interfere
with someone elses free will?
Ha%e you e%er tried to im!ose your will on others& and a
situation de%elo!ed where it ended in disaster?
$o you im!ose your will on others or do you allow free
will?
If you are on your way to a foot$all game and you see your
neigh$our on the other side of the road walking in the opposite
direction, what would you do? Would you cross the road and say,
!"ow are you Kack? .id you hear a$out the $ig game that is on
today? Would you like to come? I0m on my way there and my car
is /ust around the corner#
Kack may hesitate and say !I would love to come to the
game, $ut I promised the kids I would take them to the cinema.#
.o you now persist, $y telling Kack that he should leave
the kids and their film until the following week and come to the
game with you, as it is going to $e a great game?
-9@
Allowing ;ree +ill
Kack then replies that he would like to come, $ut he has not
got enough money with him. .o you say !.o not worry a$out
money, I will pay for the tickets to the game?# Kack now hesitates,
$ut is seriously considering your proposition. +ou then tell him
you will take him home immediately after the game is over. "e
agrees to go. 1 Kack is won over.
+ou $oth go to the game and you pay for Kack0s ticket.
&fter the game, you are /oined $y friends who insist you /oin them
for a drink. Cnowing he is short of money, you tell Kack that you
will pay for his drinks, if he will come along. Kack goes along to
the $ar for drinks with you and your friends. *y now he feels he
has lost control of his own destiny. "e feels $eholden to you and
that it would $e ungracious of him to $e disagreea$le, and either
way it is too late to go $ack home and take the kids to the cinema.
Dor Kack a sense of hopelessness and anxiety has now set
in. "e anticipates the inevita$le row when he gets home and the
look of disappointment on his children0s faces. !*ut why worry
a$out all this now,# he thinks, !I might as well get drunk.# &nd so
he does and gets totally ossified. "e refuses to leave the $ar at
closing time. "e knocks over a few ta$les, spilling his own and
other people0s drinks, and then $ecomes 'uite aggressive with the
$arperson.
!hat can you do with Gack now?
"e has now $ecome a $urden on you. "e refuses to go
home and you feel you cannot go home without him. +ou feel
responsi$le for him and you also feel you owe him something for
$ringing him here in the first place.
7o $ack to what happened for you when you first told Kack
a$out the game. Were you experiencing a need to take on a
passenger and then control him, so he would owe you one? .id
you think you knew what was $est for Kack? +ou may have
thought you were doing him a favour. Instead you tried to impose
-9)
your will on Kack, $ut you ended up $eing controlled $y Kack0s
su$se'uent $ehaviour.
!hat could you ha"e done?
+ou could have told Kack there was a game on and you
were going to it.
+ou could have asked him if he would like to come with
you.
+ou could have listened to Kack when he said he had other
arrangements.
)ou must ask yourself what was going on for you when
you insisted on Gack going to the game?
.o you have difficulty taking !no# for an answer?
.o you override another person0s needs, $y inflicting your
opinions and your $eliefs on them?
Is this a power struggle for you?
.oes this story sound familiar? Is there any resem$lance
$etween this story and a situation you have found yourself in?
Femem$er you are responsi$le for yourself and your
$ehaviour, $ut you are not responsi$le for the other person0s
reaction to it.
(he law of the universe is non3interference. 4ext time you
find yourself in a similar situation, take a deep $reath and ask
yourself, is there a need within you to control others?
Femem$er in trying to control others, you may end up
$eing the one that is $eing controlled.
-9-
Allowing ;ree +ill
3ow can you change?
5top manipulating if this is what you are doing%.
5top trying to force your will on some$ody if this is what
you are doing%.
Affirmation
I will think $efore I speak or act.
I will ask myself why am I saying what it is I am saying.
I will ask myself why am I doing what it is I am doing.
I will ask myself what is the real moti%e $ehind what I say
or what I do.
I will recognise and respect the free will of others.
I will learn that everyone has free will.
-92
(7A)
3ow !e (ose
$o you feel you ha%e lost someone or something?
(here are times in our lives when we may feel we have lost
something or someone who is important to us. We may feel we
need to find this special something or someone in order to make
our lives complete again.
.o you feel lost or alone?
.o you feel you have $een a$andoned or forgotten?
.o you feel you have lost someone?
"ave you lost contact with a $est friend or family
mem$er?
"ave you lost or forgotten some of your most precious
moments in life, e.g. fun, laughter, happy memories,
$irthdays, special occasions?
"ave you lost or misplaced some of your most treasured
possessions, e.g. your home, special gifts, keepsakes or
heirlooms?
"ow many times during your life did you feel you had lost
something, and then anxiously start looking for it, yet when you
allow your mind to slow down for a while, you can remem$er
where you may have left it?
-96
How +e )ose
5upposing you think you have lost the keys to your car. .o
you frantically run around the house, looking in the $athroom,
under cushions, and turning out all your pockets, $laming everyone
in the house for moving or taking them, and then suddenly
remem$er that you left the keys in the car door?
"ow many times in your emotional life have you felt you
have lost something, and do not know where to start looking for it?
+ou could have lost your trust in others, your $elief in yourself,
your courage to start again, your a$ility to carry on, your a$ility to
change, your a$ility to live and $e free, your a$ility to heal
yourself, your a$ility to have a healthy relationship, your a$ility to
have fun, or your a$ility to love.
+ou may feel you have lost the trust of family and friends.
,ne day you realise that you do not have those things anymore.
Aike the keys you left them out of your hands to do something else,
and like the keys you do not know why, where, or when you have
lost them.
In searching for reasons $ehind your losses, your tendency
may $e to $lame. +ou may feel like $laming people in the caring
profession when you lose a loved one, despite the fact they may
have done everything in their power to help, support and care for
your loved one. +ou may feel like $laming the educational system,
when your child fails their exams, and loses the chance for higher
or further education. +ou may $lame family or friends for losing
out on your childhood, and for not allowing you the /oy and
freedom of $eing a child.
It is often with the help of someone else that you can
retrace your steps i.e. counsellor, therapist etc. +ou may $e moving
so fast that you cannot see what is happening in your life. +ou may
$e dashing $ack and forth $etween your 7;, therapist and anyone
else who will listen to you, as you search for what you feel you
have lost in your life.
-99
+ou may $e taking medication in an attempt to suppress
the pain you feel, as a result of this loss. +ou may have $ecome
attracted to temporary or unhealthy relationships or su$stances in
your desire to fill the void.
&ll of this is only a temporary measure to keep you going
until you find your original keys. (hese are only temporary means
to keep you going, until you find the root cause of your losses.
What caused you to lose your /o$?
What caused you to lose your relationship?
What caused you to lose your friends?
What caused you to lose your most treasured moments or
possessions?
What caused you to lose your good health?
What caused you to lose trust?
5ometimes it is only when we have lost everything, and we
are at the $ottom of the $arrel and the only way is up, that we will
take the time to look at ourselves and our life. Gery often it is only
when we desperately need something, will we seriously start
looking for it.
5ometimes it is necessary to seek the help of
professionals, so that you can look within yourself. 5ometimes
reading a $ook to which you are directed or discussing your
dilemma with someone you can trust, can clarify what has $een
happening for you.
&t some deep level you already know where and when you
lost your friends, relationship, health or trust, also your most
treasured moments like having fun and laughter. +ou may also
-9:
How +e )ose
know where, when and how you have misplaced or lost your most
treasured possessions.
Affirmation
Close your eyes, take a deep $reath, exhale slowly and
repeat to yourselfH
5ome things I have moved on from. ,ther things have
moved on from me.
If I need to and if it is for my greater good, I can
rediscover and find what I have lost.
I can learn what caused my losses.
I can get help to deal with and heal from my losses.
I can learn to treasure and take care of all the precious
things in life that 7od has given me.
-9<
(71)
&respassing
"he garden in this story is about life& your life or anyones
life.
Are you tres!assing 9 wandering in and out of another
!ersons garden 0life1?
"his can be !hysical& emotional or mental wanderings.
Do you start off a sentence with =if?> =If only, If she, If
they, If he?
.o you deal with and try to resolve your own pro$lems
and issues, or do you concern yourself more with other people0s
pro$lems and how they could resolve them?

!If# they would only try harder.
!If# they were different.
!If# they would change their ways.
.oes a lot of this pro$lem solving go on in your head?
.o you do a lot of pro$lem solving without taking any real
physical action?
-9=
"res!assing
(ook at a swing, 1 it goes over and $ack,
over and $ack and nowhere.
(ook at a yo9yoC 1 it goes up and down,
up and down and nowhere.
(ook at a pendulum, 1 it goes over and $ack,
and round and round, until you tell it to stop.
If you yourself continued to walk over and $ack, and round
and round, in the same spot you would $e going nowhere. .o you
stop yourself? .oes exhaustion stop you? .oes ill health stop you,
or do you wait until someone else tells you to stop?
!ho tells your mind to stop?
(o stop wandering in and out of places that do not concern
you.
(o stop wandering in and out of other people0s lives and
issues.
(o stop wandering over and over old ground in your own
life, $ut not really getting anywhere.
When a sentence starts with !If only#1 the mind and $ody
are living with regrets or hopelessness. +ou cannot live on an !if.#
!If# did not happen. +ou can learn from an event that has
happened, $ut you cannot learn or deal with !if it happens.#
-9?
Imagine every morning when you woke up, you went for a
stroll in your neigh$our0s garden. +ou see all that he could do to
improve his garden. +ou can see what his garden would $e likeB
!if# he did all the things you think he should do. !If# he clipped his
overgrown hedge, !if# he cleared out all his unnecessary ru$$ish.
(his garden is sym$olic of the places your mind wanders to when
it tries to resolve other people0s issues in your head.
.o you have difficulty staying in your own space? Is your
mind constantly thinking a$out other people, and wondering how
they could solve their pro$lems !If onlyM#%? +ou are exhausted
going around and around in your head. (he trou$le is you may not
have got out of $ed yet%.
.oes this happen to you in real life? .o you find yourself
preoccupied with the pro$lems of your family and friends? .o you
find yourself constantly wandering in and out of their lives
imagining all they could do to improve their lives their garden%,
especially if they did all the things you think they should?
+our neigh$our0s garden is his life. +ou wander around
thinking a$out him, and all the good things he could do with his
garden his life, his health, his relationships, etc%. *ut the pro$lem
is, this is not your garden, and unless you are invited into your
neigh$our0s garden his life%, you do not have a right to $e there.
+ou do not have a right to give your opinion on how he should
plant his garden on how he should live his life%. ,r, what type of
shru$s he should have in his garden what type of people he should
have in his life%.
#t is your neighbour2s own businessC
"ow he looks after his garden his life%.
"ow well kept his garden is, how well he looks after his
health%.
What sort of fence he has surrounding his garden what
sort of $oundaries he maintains in his life%.
-:@
"res!assing
"ow he nourishes his garden how he nurtures and takes
care of himself%.
(he only garden you are responsi$le for is your own
garden. (here may $e no !ifs# in your garden, $ecause the
possi$ility isB you are not there either.
4ow, what about your garden?
When did you last look at your garden, your life%?
When did you last spend time in your garden?
When did you last do some work on your garden
yourself%?
What do you feel is the pro$lem with your garden?
Is it too much trou$le to tackle it?
Is it overgrown?
What aspect of your garden your life% do you have
difficulty with?
.o you have painful issues in your life that you have
difficulty dealing with?
.oes it seem like a momentous task to sort out your own
garden? .oes this deter you from even attempting to clean
up your garden your life%?
Is it the 'uality of your garden that $others you the 'uality
of your life%?
Is it easier to focus on your neigh$our0s garden your
neigh$our0s pro$lemsB his family, friends, etc, and how he could
improve them%, especially if you cannot $e held responsi$le, or $e
criticised for the state of his garden?
-:)
)ou choose your garden (this life) this time around.
+ou can change and improve your garden your life%, $ut
you can do neither of these things if you are constantly wandering
into some$ody else0s garden some$ody else0s life%. +ou do not
have the right to trespass and make /udgements, suggestions or
assumptions, a$out the way someone else0s garden life% should $e,
even if the wanderings are only going on in your head.
+our $ody does not know the difference $etween the
thought and the action. &fter the hours you spend wandering in
your head% in and out of someone else0s garden life% you may $e
'uite exhausted 1 going nowhere. It would $e $etter for you if you
physically went out and spent a day working on your own garden,
resolving your own issues and attending your own physical,
emotional and mental needs and well3$eing%.
(he next time you find yourself ram$ling into someone
else0s garden worrying, thinking and planning other people0s lives
even in your head%, say to yourself, !5(,;M# !Is my garden so
clean and well kept that I can waste time wandering into someone
else0s garden life%?# !Can I afford to $e worrying a$out someone
else0s garden health%?#
>ach time you feel you are starting to wander, say to
yourself !5(,;M# Dor a moment you may stop, $ut seconds later
you may find your mind has started to wander again. If you say,
!5(,;# to your $rain, the thoughts will stop momentarily, $ut you
must learn to reinforce the word !5(,;# over and over again. .o
this until you reach a stage where the $rain will !5(,;.# (he $rain
recognises the practical reaction to the word !5(,;M# i.e. a red
light 1 .&47>F 5(,;M
,nce you have realised that you are spending so much
time in your neigh$our0s garden, ask yourself, !.o you intend
staying there?# ;erhaps your time would $e $etter spent cleaning
up your own garden your own health, your own life%. In doing so
your neigh$our may get a good look at his garden. .id it ever
-:-
"res!assing
occur to you that as you are trespassing on your neigh$our0s
garden, someone else might $e trespassing in your garden, making
suggestions, criticisms and /udgements?
&oday do a little soul searching (garden searching).
(o stop these wanderings you may need to continue
practicing some !thought stopping exercises.# &s soon as your
mind starts to wander say, !5(,;M# Feturn to the present moment
and what you are doing now. ;ractice some deep $reathing
exercises. When your mind starts to wander. 5top look around you,
ask yourself, is your garden your life, your health% in such good
shape that you can leave it unattended.
When you are drifting from your garden, ask your guides
to help you return to your garden your own space%. If you have
already wandered away, it may $e a valua$le exercise to try and
find out where, when, and why all this wandering $egan. What was
happening for you that you left your garden in the first place? If the
reason for your trespassing or wandering is difficult for you to
resolve, you may need to seek professional help.
Affirmation
I will stop wandering into other people0s gardens.
I will stay in my own garden my own space%.
I will take stock of my garden my life%.
I will clean out my garden and restore it. I will clear out
old wounds and hurts and heal from them%.
I will introduce new and exciting plants and flowers into
my garden new and exciting people and ideas into my
life%.
I will create a new garden for myself a new life%.
-:2
(7%)
!hat )ou Don2t 4eed
+ou don0t need a digger to take out a thorn.
+ou don0t need a holiday in the *ahamas to have fun.
+ou don0t need a white $ull to have a calf.
+ou don0t need a house on the hill to keep the rain out.
+ou don0t need a herd of cattle for one pound of meat.
+ou don0t need a sledgehammer to drive a nail.
+ou don0t need a generating power station to have light.
+ou don0t need an orchestra to dance.
+ou don0t need a choir to sing.
O5olomon.
-:6
;ear :f )etting 7o
(7*)
Eear 'f (etting :o
$o you ha%e a fear of letting go?
$oes someone you know ha%e a fear of letting go?
;ear of letting go can control you and those around you.
Aetting go allows you to move on to newer pastures.
Aetting go allows you to have new learnings and travel on new
/ourneys. Aetting go gives you freedom.
Aetting go of control, 1 allows others to have their freedom
and their learnings.
Aetting go of conditioning, 1 allows for change.
Aetting go of relationships, 1 allows $oth people to move
on.
Aetting go of a child when they have reached adulthood, 1
allows them their learnings.
Aetting go of a /o$, 1 allows ourselves and others to move
on.
Aetting go of goods, $ooks, clothes, etc, dealing with your
ru$$ish in an environmentally friendly manner, 1 helps to
save the planet and stops waste and stagnation.
It is very easy for the conscious mind to say, !let go.# +ou
can tell someone there is no pro$lem letting go, $ut it is like telling
-:9
a man to let go when he is hanging from a cliff edge $y his
fingertips. ,f course it is easy to say let go, $ut he knows the last
time he let go in a similar situation, he $roke his two legs. It does
not matter how many people are there to catch him, 1 his
su$conscious mind may $e continually telling him, 1 !It is not safe
to let go.#
(rying to talk someone through his or her fear of letting
go, can sometimes $e like hammering a wooden nail into a
concrete floor. It will not go in very far. It is hard to penetrate the
concrete to $reak through the fear%. (his fear may have started in
another lifetime, pre3$irth, or in early childhood. (herapy may $e
necessary to decrease the intensity of the fear, also to identify the
fear, and so allow the person to deal with it and move on with their
lives.
!hat can you do?
Identify your fear of letting go. Where it started, how it
started, when it started.
Deel your fear.
(ry not to allow your fear to control your life.
7et help to confront and let go of your fears through
therapy, counselling etc.
)ou are not alone in your fear.
Affirmation
I give myself permission to let go of anyone or anything,
that may $e holding me or impeding my /ourney.
I will not allow fear of letting go to control me or attempt
to control those around me.
-::
:ld Hurts
(7,)
'ld 3urts
+ould you like that someone would change his or her
beha%iour towards you?
-ou ha%e chosen this story to bring awareness to you that
there may be old hurts which you may ha%e co%ered u! for
years& old hurts that you may now need to deal with and heal from.
&n event may have occurred early in your life, which may
have caused you severe shock or trauma. 5omeone may now $e
triggering those old hurts. (hey may not $e causing your hurt, $ut
they may $e triggering it.
(here may have $een times in your life, when you felt
family, friends, or work colleagues were causing you undue hurt.
+ou may have wished that they the person% would change, $ut is
there a possi$ility it is their beha%iour you had wished would
change, rather than the person?
(his $ehaviour may $e triggering deep physical, emotional
and mental wounds from which you may not have fully recovered.
Dor some, there is not /ust one incident of hurt, $ut many
incidences reinforced over and over again over many years. Kust
$ecause the scar is no longer visi$le, it does not necessarily mean
that the hurt has healed. When we find ourselves in a situation
where old hurts are $eing triggered we develop coping methods or
!tools.# >ach and every one of us develops coping methods, which
help us survive in any given situation. (hese coping methods help
to lessen the hurt or $lock it out altogether. (he more severe the
hurt or pain, the greater the need there is to $lock it. When old pain
or hurt has $een triggered, and we find ourselves una$le to deal
-:<
with it, we may $ehave or engage in unaccepta$le or inappropriate
$ehaviour.
When you express how you feel to a person who is
triggering your hurt, you may feel further hurt, $ecause you do not
feel heard. In explaining how the $ehaviour of those around you is
affecting you, it is im!ortant to separate the person from the
$ehaviour. Femem$er your partner, friends or family may also
have old hurts either physical, emotional or mental that you do not
see and may also $e triggering.
-ou may $e unconsciously triggering their old hurts or
pain. "hey may use whatever !tools# or coping methods they can to
protect themselves, or to $lock their pain or hurt from surfacing.
Dor example, they may react to your !pain triggering# in an
a$usive or aggressive manner, or in a way which you may feel
does not /ustify what you may have said or done. +ou may have
triggered their old pain or hurt, $ut you did not cause it. -ou are
responsi$le for what you have said or what you have done, $ut you
are not responsi$le for their reaction or how they respond to you.
If you are allowing yourself to $e a victim of their !tools of
survival# i.e. their a$use, control or aggressive $ehaviour, then you
must decide whether you want to remain in this situation or not.
;ain and hurt may have $een suppressed since early
childhood. When you feel hurt or let down $y family or friends, it
is important to explain to them, that it is their beha%iour that you
find unaccepta$le, not the !erson they are. (o them their $ehaviour
may $e accepta$le, so it is important for you to explain, how it is
their beha%iour that is causing you hurt, whether this $ehaviour is
intentional or not.
& person who is trying to heal from past hurts may need a
therapeutic environment, where they can feel safe enough, to
uncover their wounds. (hese wounds may have $een inflicted over
many years and $y many people.
-:=
:ld Hurts
+ou can change.
+ou can get help to change if you wish to do so.
(oday, ask your 7od, your guides, your angels to help you,
to remove those old $andages gently one at a time, so that you can
uncover all those old wounds, hurts, pain, and heal from them.
Femem$er, you may have $een a child when you suppressed or
$locked the hurt or pain, $ut you may now $e an adult, an adult
attempting to deal with all those issues and trying to heal from
them.
Affirmation
I will learn to separate the person from the $ehaviour.
I will $ecome more aware of any old hurts I may have.
I will get help to uncover these hurts and heal from them.
-:?
(75)
Confusing 8essages
Confusing messages are saying one thing and acting out
another.
Ha%e you or someone you know been sending out
confusing messages?
.o you feel people appear to $e listening to you, $ut
$ecause of their reactions, you do not feel heard? .o you feel
heard? .o you hear yourself?
.o you find yourself complaining to all and sundry a$out
your health, your circumstances, your family and their $ehaviour
$ut feel no one appears to $e listening to you?
&he 0uestions you need to ask yourself are
&re you listening to you?
Can you hear what you are saying?
.o you $elieve yourself and what you say? If you do not
$elieve or hear yourself, how can you expect others to
$elieve you or hear you?
&re your actions $ased on your feelings or on what you
think you should feel?
&re the actions and reactions of those around you $ased on
what you say or on what you do?
Can you say if the messages you are sending out, are clear
or confusing?
-<@
Confusing 4essages
&re you reliving some of the messages you received as a
child? !If you are not sick, you are not entitled to $e in $ed.# !If
you are sitting down and there is work to $e done, you are laEy.#
!If you are laEy, you are guilty of a sin.#
!here and when did you first hear these messages?
&t a very early age you may have discovered ways to help
you survive. Dor example, if you wanted a day off school and you
had no reasona$le excuse, saying you were tired was not always
good enough, $ut saying you felt sick nearly always worked. It was
nearly always a guaranteed method of getting extra attention. +ou
would get your favourite food and drink and you did not have to do
your chores.
+our parents always gave you more attention when you
were sick and no$ody was allowed to argue with you or annoy you.
*eing sick certainly had its advantages $ut it had its disadvantages
too. +ou had to $e careful that you did not get $etter too 'uickly. If
it was a sore foot, you could not start running around as soon as
your $rothers and sisters returned home from school. (he
disadvantage also was that you could not play any games, until
your 8um or .ad decided you were well enough.
Infortunately, over a period of time, we can lose the
a$ility to state how we really feel. We sometimes go from the
doctor to the therapist0s clinic and to the hospital without any
illness $eing diagnosed. 5upposing someone somewhere did find a
reason and a cure for that $ackache, would it really make you
happy?
&fter all, that $ackache may have allowed you to avoid
doing so many things you did not like doing for so long. (his may
$e a real pain now $ut it is also a real survival weapon. It could
have $een your saving grace in so many difficult situations.
5ometimes we feign illness and the $ody responds rapidly to our
thoughts. Dor instance, in order to avoid issues or deal with
-<)
pro$lems, we may say we have a headache. (he $ody can react $y
developing a headache.
&s a mother if you are tired and decide to lie down for a
few hours and one of your children walks into the $edroom and
asks, !8ummy, why are you in $ed?#1 It is important to explain to
them that you are in fact tired and need to rest.
&s a parent you may have a tendency to use old weapons
and mislead those around you. 5upposing lunch is not ready and
the $eds have not $een dressed, you may feel guilty and have
difficulty saying you are tired and have $een $usy doing other
chores. +ou may now $e more likely to resort to your old weapon
saying, !I am not feeling well.# (his kind of answer can $ring
a$out fear and worry in a child0s mind. (hey may think 8ummy is
going to die, especially where they have a memory of a relative or
friend, passing away after $eing ill. +our hus$and arrives home
sometime later and hears that you are not feeling well. Immediately
upon hearing this he anxiously proceeds to cook the evening meal
and offer you something to eat. "e then makes sure the children do
not make noise, fearing your condition may worsen. 4ow your
survival weapon is working at its $est.
+ou get to rest, your children are given their dinner and
then assisted with their homework, and you do not have to listen to
them s'ua$$ling over toys or television.
,n the other hand, if they ask what is wrong with you, and
you truthfully 1 reply !I0ve got a headache# or !I feel tired# then
every$ody is let off the hook $ecause they know exactly what is
the matter with you. +ou are not then seen as laEy, you do not feel
guilty and your family understand that you get tired or get a
headache at times and /ust need to lie down and rest for a while.
3ow do you beha"e in your relationship?
.o you send out confusing messages to your partner? .o
you complain all week of a $ack pro$lem, saying you are una$le to
work, mow the lawn or clean the windows etc, yet when the phone
-<-
Confusing 4essages
call came this evening inviting you for a game of s'uash, you
instantly agreed?
.o you return from the game of s'uash still complaining,
a$out your $ack, take a few painkillers and head off to a party?
>arlier in the week you complained of a sore throat, yet
you spent a couple of hours standing in the pouring rain, watching
your local team play foot$all.
&s a woman, you may say that your partner does not help
you around the house. .id you actually ask him for help to move
that wardro$e out of the $ack room? +ou did say it was too heavy,
yet you somehow managed to move it yourself.
!hat messages are you sending out?
+ou may complain a$out not having ade'uate financial
support, yet you somehow seem to manage to meet your
commitments. +ou said you were not going to play any more
tennis this year, at least not until you got your $ack pain sorted out,
yet you spent several hours playing tennis one evening last week,
and again had to take painkillers in order to get some sleep $ecause
of the pain.
What types of messages do you as a parent relay to your
children? .o you tell your children that the pocket money you
have given them must last them a week, $ut when they re'uest
more money two days later, you give it to them without 'uestion?
+ou are sending out !C,4DI5I47 8>55&7>5.#
+ou are saying one thing and acting out something else.
&s your children grow older you may loan them money and say, !I
must have this money $ack $y the end of the month, $ecause the
mortgage is due.# (hey do not pay $ack this loan and say they do
not have it, $ut they still go out partying all over the weekend,
whilst you sit at home, worrying a$out where you are going to get
money to pay the mortgage. (his situation can go on in a family
for years, with the parent / parents accepting it as an ongoing
-<2
occurrence. (he eventual amounts owed $y the children can run
into thousands of pounds.
"as there $een a similar situation in the past, where you
said you could not afford to pay for something for your children,
$ut somehow you still managed to do so? .o your family $elieve
you anymore? When did you send out the first confusing messages
to your children? Was it when they were $a$ies? .id you say to
them, !4o you cannot have that lollipop or ice cream $efore
dinner,# $ut when they persevered you gave in?
&s a parent you may take a child visiting a house where
there is a dog. (his dog may not $e familiar with children, so the
owner explains that it is $etter not to allow the child to go close to
the dog. (he parent turns to the child and says, !.o not go near the
dog,# $ut then $egins to stroke the dog. (his child at an earlier age
has learned that this parent does not mean what he says%. (he child
attempts to pat the dog, as he had seen the parent doing. (he dog
$ites the child. (he child is physically, emotionally and mentally
scarred. It may $e necessary to have the dog put down.
&ll of this has happened, $ecause of this parent sending
out confusing messages. .id your parents give you clear and
concise messages, or confusing and unclear messages? .id they
advise you that it was unsafe to walk home from the disco alone,
$ut not arrive to collect you at the prearranged time? .id they
encourage and sometimes insist on you exercising, playing sport
and eating healthy foods, $ut they themselves continued to eat non3
nutritional foods and did not exercise. &s adults we may
sometimes advise our children not to drink, smoke or engage in
inappropriate $ehaviour, $ut yet we ourselves may do all of these
things.
What sort of messages do you send out to your friends? .o
you ask for help to do something, $ut then proceed to do it
yourself, $efore anyone gets a chance to help you? +ou say you are
tired, $ut act as if you have tons of energy. +ou say to your family
that you did not sleep well last night, so you are going to go to $ed
-<6
Confusing 4essages
early tonight, $ut when your friends call, you sit up talking until
late into the night.
If you are feeling unwell and decide to go to $ed, then that
is okay. 5ome hours later you may feel $etter and decide to get out
of $ed and go to town. Where younger children are concerned you
need to $ridge the gap $etween saying !I am unwell,# and /umping
out of $ed and going to town. It is important to say, !I feel much
$etter now, so I am going to get up out of $ed and go into town.#
(his in turn allows the child to learn that it is okay to lie down, if
you are feeling tired or unwell. It is also okay to carry on with your
chores when you are feeling well again.
+ou may have $een receiving and sending confusing
messages for many years. 5ometimes we can feel $etter within
ourselves, when we feel we are fulfilling the wishes of others.
5ometimes, it is not knowing our limitations that allows us to keep
going, until we are $urnt out and exhausted. 5ometimes it is not
having a strong sense of our own $oundaries or limitations, that
can allow us to change our minds at a moments notice.
5ometimes guilt can $e playing a part in our actions or
reactions. We may feel guilty if we take time out to rest without
$eing sick. +ou may have experienced many years of confusing
messages from your parents, teachers, and family. .id they make
promises, only to $reak them over and over again? What were your
role models like when it came to sending out messages? .id they
send out confusing messages or were they clear and concise?
Can you recognise yourself in this story?
&re you sending out confusing messages?
Is your partner, friends and work colleagues confused $y
the things you say, and the things you do?
&re your children confused $y your $ehaviour?
-<9
&re your children mirroring $ack to you and society, the
confusing messages they have received or are still
receiving?
!hat can you do to change your pattern of beha"iour
now?
+ou may need to look at your $ehaviour and the messages
you are sending to yourself and those around you. (hink $ack and
reflect on your actions over the past hours, days, weeks and years.
(hink $ack and reflect on the actions and reactions of those around
you, children, other family mem$ers, friends and work colleagues.
&sk yourself if you can remem$er events that took place or could
have $een avoided, had you $een sending out messages, which
were more concise and clear.
Was there an incident or situation in the past, that you can
remem$er, where you could have prevented an accident or
situation developing, or worsening, had you made the message you
were relaying clearer? When you $ecome aware of how your
$ehaviour is affecting you and those around you, you have a choice
as to when and how you can $egin to change this $ehaviour.
.o not $e afraid to seek help. +ou may need professional
help to create clarity on how you relate messages to yourself and
those around you.
Affirmation
I will say what I mean.
I will mean what I say.
I will send clear and concise messages to myself and those
around me.
-<:
7etting /t +rong
(77)
4egati"e and +ositi"e
If you leave a /o$ or relationship $ecause you do not want
to $e trapped 1 it is negative.
If you leave a /o$ or relationship $ecause you want to $e
free 1 it is positive.
If you try to score a goal to prevent you losing the game 1
it is negative.
If you try to score a goal so you can win the game it is 1
positive.
If you work hard so you will have enough money to
survive 1 it is negative.
If you work hard to have enough money to en/oy life 1 it is
positive.
If you sell your house $ecause you are afraid you will not
survive 1 that is negative.
If you sell your house $ecause you can have something
$etter 1 it is positive.
If you move out of your space to see things from someone
else0s position 1 it is negative.
If you stay in your space to see someone else0s perspective
1 it is positive.

O5olomon
-<<
(7;)
:etting #t !rong
Are there days when you are full of confidence& outgoing&
feeling good in yourself and you feel the world is your oyster?
Are there other days when nothing a!!ears to go right for
you and the harder you try the worse things seem to get?
$o you feel on those days that you somehow seem to be
getting it wrong no matter what you do?
$o you feel you yourself are wrong because things do not
work out the way you e(!ected they should? +here did you first
recei%e this message?
Inderstanding where the $elief system may have come
from sometimes can $e of help. It is realising that you yourself are
not wrong, when you do not come up to someone else0s
expectations of you. If you set goals for yourself that are
unachieva$le, it does not mean you are wrong. It could mean
however you may not know your own limitations. +ou could have
picked up this $elief system as a child. (he messages and direction
we receive as children set the pattern for a lifetime. (he only
person who can change that pattern, that $elief system, 1 is you.
(ake for example after a difficult la$our and the previous
loss of a six3month3old $a$y, a mother gives $irth to a $a$y girl.
(he pregnancy had $een monitored all along, $ut showed some
complications at an early stage. (he $a$y now needs some minor
surgery and is placed in an incu$ator immediately after $irth.
*ecause of the sudden isolation from her mother, the $a$y may
feel a sense of re/ection. (his may $e the little girl0s first feeling of
a sense of re/ection, of not $eing right or not $eing accepta$le.
-<=
7etting /t +rong
(his mother is very worried that her little girl is going to
die. 5he is constantly asking what is wrong with her $a$y. !Is she
going to $e alright?# >ven when the doctors try to allay her fears,
the mother is still not convinced that her $a$y is all right.
(he $a$y is eventually discharged from hospital with a
clean $ill of health, and makes really good progress. "er mother
continues to worry a$out her. 5he is constantly checking her
temperature, feeling her pulse, checking her $reathing etc. With
even the slightest change in the $a$y0s condition, the mother
exclaims to the father !there is something wrong with the $a$y,#
and calls the doctor. (he words now echo in the $a$y0s ears 1
!(here is something wrong with her.# &s this little girl grows older
she $elieves there really is something wrong with her.
5ome people may say that this mother is neurotic, $ut each
little sniffle from the child triggers the mother0s own guilt, that she
may not have acted swiftly enough, or in a responsi$le manner, so
as to prevent the loss of her first child.
(he fear is stuck in the mother0s energy field. (he child in
turn reacts to the mother0s fear. When she hears that there is
something wrong with her, the child does not fully understand
what this means, $ut learns over the years that !wrong# is the
opposite to !right.# 5o if she constantly hears that there is
something !wrong# with her, does she then interpret that she
herself !is not right#O then it follows she $elieves within herself%
that she cannot do anything right. Dollowing on from this, the
mother sees her child as delicate, and may not allow her to perform
certain chores or tasks. (he child in turn may interpret that she is
not able to perform certain tasks, $ecause she will not get it right.
&s this girl grows older she may receive a good education
and have all the appearances of $eing knowledgea$le. 5he may $e
seen to have valid opinions on a variety of su$/ects, coupled with
'uotes and facts from $ooks or television, $ut she may not have a
$elief in her own sense of self, or in the fact that what she says
really matters to anyone.
-<?
5he $elieves 1 !she cannot $e right $ecause there may $e
something wrong with her.# (his lack of personal $elief in herself,
may also affect her looks, her weight, her temperament, her
attitudes, her personality, and her a$ilities. "ow can she possi$ly
do anything right, when she herself is not !right,# 1 or so she
$elieves.
It is important to realise that even $efore $irth, children
can sense how we feel towards them. Drom the time they are $orn,
our children will interpret and learn from how we ourselves cope in
times of stress, fear or anxiety.
& $elief system e.g. !I am wrong,# !I cannot get it right,#
can $e a $elief system instilled in a child at a very early age,
without the parents $eing consciously aware of it. It is important to
speak factually to our children. When a child complains of $eing
unwell, it is necessary to separate the illness from the person. Dor
example when the child says !I feel sick,# instead of saying, !Well
what is wrong with you?# you could say !5how me where you are
feeling sick.# !Where do you feel the pain?# or you could say
!5how me where you are feeling the pain.# (here are many ways
you could ask the 'uestion without suggesting that the child
himself / herself is !wrong.#
If you have experienced this type of $elief system, $e
patient with yourself. +ou may need to look further than the $elief
system you have developed a$out yourself. +ou may need help to
retrace your steps, to where this $elief system first $egan. It is
understanding and accepting yourself that is important, not how
others see or accept you.
Cnow that you are not !wrong# when you do not come up
to the expectations of others.
If you are not successful in passing an exam, it may $e
$ecause you had not ac'uired sufficient knowledge on the
su$/ect in 'uestion. 0-ou yourself are not wrong%.
-=@
7etting /t +rong
If you were una$le to complete a task i.e. repair the $roken
lawnmower, it could mean your knowledge of the task or
su$/ect was limited, rather than you yourself being wrong.
If your children are continually $ecoming ill, it does not
mean you are wrong& it could mean you have limited
experience, where children and their illnesses are
concerned. It could also mean that the illnesses they
develop i.e. colds, viruses or other contagious diseases, are
out of your control.
If you are constantly feeling that !you can never get it
right# i.e. cooking, learning, coping or dealing with daily
chores, it is important to separate you the person from the
issues at hand. 1 -ou yourself are not wrong.
Affirmation
I am not wrong if I do not come up to the expectations of
others.
I will not $lame or criticise myself unnecessarily.
If I have limited knowledge, experience or a$ilities it does
not mean that the person I am, is wrong.
-=)
(7?)
6oundaries

$o you feel you ha%e a !roblem with boundaries?
$o you feel other !eo!le ha%e a !roblem with boundaries
where you are concerned?
*oundaries are visi$le and invisi$le lines that we erect to
create limits on ourselves, to prevent us going $eyond a certain
$order or distance. We also create these $oundaries, to prevent
others crossing a certain limit into our territory. If you erect
$oundaries one day and remove them the next day, this can $e very
confusing for those around you. +ou may $ecome very angry or
annoyed when someone crosses your $oundaries, $ut, if you do not
create $oundaries that are clear, concise, and strong, how do you
expect others to recognise and respect them?
(his story may or may not relate to you. It may help you to
understand what happens, and the affects it has, when the
$oundaries of a child have $een $roken.
!hen can the boundaries of a child be first
demolished?
& child can have a relatively happy, normal, contented
childhood. (hen, somewhere in their lives, they may experience
sexual, emotional or physical a$use. (he child0s mind $eing
glo$al, takes responsi$ility for all that happens around them. (hey
look for direction from their peers, parents, teachers, religious
leaders, neigh$ours and friends.
(he child creates $oundaries on what is right or wrong, $y
following the example of those around them. If the very people the
-=-
.oundaries
child seeks guidance from, crosses these $oundaries $y a$use of
any kind, what can this child use as guidelines in their own lives?
#t is easy to see how a child can become confused.
Aets assume a friend of the family a$uses this child. (he
child sees this person as a family friend, and does not understand
how this person could do anything wrong or harmful to them. (he
parents, not knowing what is happening to the child, continue to
have the perpetrator in their home, and treat him as part of the
family. (he child may $elieve that they themselves are wrong, and
the perpetrator is right, $ecause of this person $eing accepted
within the family circle.
(he child may $elieve that the parents will not $elieve
them if they tell what is happening. (he a$user, $ecause of the
shame and fear experienced $y the child, can a$use and $reak
$oundaries with many children in the same family. (he a$user can
threaten physical violence, if the child tells anyone a$out what is
happening. "e can also $ri$e the child to remain silent, $y
showering them with money or gifts. "e can threaten to a$use
other children in the family, if the child does not adhere to his
demands. What the child may not know, is that he is already
a$using other family mem$ers, and is telling each child the same
story.
(he incident can create a feeling within the child of !$eing
$ad.# (he child may even $elieve that they caused this person to
a$use them, and in some inexplica$le way, may $elieve it was their
the child0s% own fault.
(he a$user can continue with this $ehaviour for many
years. ,nce the child learns and realises that the $ehaviour of this
so called friend is inappropriate and unaccepta$le, they may once
again attempt to tell the parents, $ut shame, and fear of the possi$le
conse'uences may once again prevent them from ever doing so.
(he child can carry this $urden throughout their entire life,
and have difficulties creating or maintaining $oundaries.
-=2
&s they grow older they may not even 'uestion what
someone in a peer position may re'uest of them, even to where it
involves pain and hurt at an extreme level, either physical,
emotional, or sexual.
Aater on in life they may suppress their right to have their
needs met, or to ask for what is rightfully theirs, after all, !$ad
people don0t get good things,# 1 or so they $elieve%. (his could $e
as simple as asking for time out to rest, or simply saying !no.#
&sking for and receiving emotional, physical, or financial
support might also prove difficult. (he feelings of this person can
$ecome so suppressed, that they may feel !non existent# in
themselves.
(he personality of the a$used person can $e such that they
will develop a very !tough# exterior, $ut on the inside they may
still feel frightened and vulnera$le. It is very seldom that the victim
will tell their story to family or friends, $ecause at a deep level,
they may still $elieve it is they who have done something wrong.
&lways remem$er, the child is never wrong, the child is
never guilty. (he child is not responsi$le.
3ow does the child learn to cope with this?
(hey may learn coping a$ilities. (hey sometimes create
situations where they experience re/ection. (his is $ecause they
re/ect themselves, and the only reality they know is a world of
re/ection. 5ometimes they may isolate themselves from the
company of other people, where they might feel vulnera$le and
threatened. 5ometimes they use tactics, which were used on them
as children such as a$usive or aggressive $ehaviour.
(he child, who has learned that the world is not a safe
place, may actually strive to create a !super safe# place for
themselves in later life, i.e. $y accumulating wealth, or $ecoming a
recluse, or they may work and feel more safe and secure in the
caring professions. (hey may have great difficulty trusting%.
-=6
.oundaries
5ometimes they may involve themselves in numerous
relationships, though never really trusting anyone completely.
(hey may go through their daily lives always expecting re/ection,
and then when it comes, it confirms in them this adult who is
working, through the mind of a child%, that they must $e a $ad
person, or they wouldn0t $e re/ected.
In certain situations especially group situations, this person
may try to make themselves invisi$le, i.e. $y not asking 'uestions,
$y not asserting themselves, $y sitting in an area where it is
difficult for them to $e seen. (his can $e so that the focus of
attention is not $rought on them. (hey may feel if they are not
seen, they are less likely to get hurt.
&t a physical level they can make themselves unattractive
$y neglecting their personal hygiene, $ecoming overweight etc. &ll
of these coping methods may $e done at a very deep su$conscious
level.
If the child en/oyed playing sport and socialising etc, prior
to the a$use taking place, they may stop all those activities from
the time of the a$use. Aife may have felt like it had stopped for that
child $ecause of what happened.
3ow can this adult learn to change this pattern?
5ometimes drink or drugs may $e used to suppress the hurt
and pain though not consciously%, to allow us to $e that little child
again. (he child that needed to $e heard, the child that needed to
tell someone that something was wrong. (he child that needed to
$elieve that if something !$ad# was happening to them, that they 1
the child, 1 had a right to $e heard, and that the perpetrator could
$e stopped and punished.
It is a child who may have suppressed the feelings of
shame, hurt, guilt, re/ection or anger. It may now $e an adult who
is trying to deal with it. It may $e necessary for this person to seek
professional help. Drom the time an incident such as a$use occurs,
a child can feel that they have lost their trust and their identity, and
-=9
a feeling of pointlessness can take over. (hey may $ecome 'uite
depressed. 5ometimes the adult may physically re/ect themselves
$y self3harming, $ecoming $ulimic or anorexic. (hey may try to
suppress the pain, $y $ingeing on food when the emotional pain
surfaces, stuffing in the food, pushing down the pain%.
(he adult now, may need to realise that they haven0t lost
all those early capa$ilities 1 they /ust left them down 1 put them
aside for a time. 5ometimes that which was pushed to one side
when we were eleven or twelve or younger, may need to $e re3
awakened gently. If your $oundaries your fences% were knocked
down at a young age, you need to erect them again 1 slowly 1 one
at a time.
+ou may discover that your $oundaries have $een down
for over forty years, and for twenty3eight of those years you have
$een in a relationship. If overnight you start to erect $oundaries,
your partner in this relationship, may feel that it is they who have
done something wrong. It may $e some incident that triggered a
memory for you, of your $oundary having $een $roken. +our
partner may have no knowledge of what has happened in your past,
and may not $e aware that a certain incident triggered a memory
for you. +ou can sometimes react strongly to a seemingly minor
incident, $ecause of fear. It can $e a fear that whatever happened in
the past, 1 is a$out to happen again.
Imagine if you and your partner $uilt on five acres of land
with no $oundaries or fences, and you get up one morning to find
your partner has erected a twenty3foot high fence down the middle
of the field. +ou would feel very re/ected to say the least,
especially if you did not know what you had done, or had not done
to $ring a$out this action.
If you are in a trusting, caring relationship, it may $e of
help to confide in your partner a$out what has happened to you as
a child. +ou could also do this with the support of therapy. (hat is
1 if you feel it could $e of help to you, to deal with and heal from
your trauma.
-=:
.oundaries
In early childhood, you may or may not have learned a$out
$oundaries. &ssuming that you can take and use other people0s
possessions without their consent, is an infringement of their
$oundaries. Intruding at an inappropriate time, and consciously
overstaying your welcome, is also a $reaking of $oundaries. +ou
learn to knock and wait at a door until you are invited in. +ou learn
to ask for what you want, 1 not /ust take it. +ou learn also how to
create your own $oundaries. +ou learn also how to recognise in
what way and at what point, someone else may $e crossing your
$oundaries. If one parent allows a child to overstep $oundaries and
the other parent does not, the child only learns confusion.
(here are many different types of $oundariesH ;hysical.
>motional, 8ental and 5exual $oundaries.
+hysical 6oundaries ('ur physical territory)
Imagine for a moment that you own ten acres of land and
no sheep. +our neigh$our owns one acre, and has twenty sheep. If
you do not fence around your land, your neigh$our0s sheep having
no reason not to%, will inevita$ly wander onto and graEe on your
land. (his could continue for many years, until one day your
awareness of the situation dawns on you. +ou decide to erect
fences and stop this intrusion on to your land. *ecause so much
time has passed $efore deciding to erect a $oundary fence, you
could find, that your decision might not $e accepta$le to your
neigh$our, and lead to all sorts of 'uarrels and difficulties.
We are all entitled to the privacy of our own space, room,
home, etc. 5omeone might invade this space $y entering without
$eing invited. (he $oundaries of our $odies may also $e $roken, $y
physical or aggressive $ehaviour against our will. It is important
however to erect your fences your $oundaries% as early as
possi$le, and make them clear to those around you.

-=<
-motional 6oundaries
"ow many times do you allow yourself to $e emotionally
a$used and manipulated? "ow many times do you allow yourself
to $e hurt emotionally? "ow many times are emotional $oundaries
not distinguisha$le?
In your early childhood, one of the most important lessons
you learn a$out is a $oundary. If you were lucky enough to have
parents who themselves had $oundaries, their example would $e of
great $enefit to you in later years. If the child sees a parent
expressing anger, appropriate to the situation, they learn that this is
accepta$le. (his shows an example of a reaction from a parent to a
$oundary $eing crossed, and allows the child to learn when it is
safe to express its own anger. (his in turn ena$les the child to have
a healthy approach to $oundaries in relation to their own, and other
people0s anger.
& lack of suita$le parental mirroring, or reaction to a
particular situation, may cause a child to $ecome overwhelmed $y
their own anger and that of others, if there is no clear $oundary for
the child to identify. (his also applies e'ually to all other
emotional expressions i.e., sadness, fear, /oy, love etc.
1e.ual 6oundaries
It is important to learn a$out sexual $oundaries as children.
(his can $e $y appropriate or inappropriate $ehaviours modelled
$y your parents. +ou learn a$out the right to privacy at a certain
age. +ou learn that when the infringement or transgression of your
privacy feels wrong, that you are entitled to o$/ect to it. +ou learn
also to appreciate and respect the change in your $oundaries as you
progress through childhood and adolescence to adulthood.
*oundaries learned in those early years will set standards for how
you live your life.
+our $oundaries can have messages, or different signals
displayed on them. 5ome of these messages can $e very confusing
for you and those around you, especially if you erect very strong
-==
.oundaries
$oundaries one day, and remove them the next day for no o$vious
reason.
!hat is the sign or message on your boundary?
=6roken boundary here.>
!&nyone can cross here.#
!Ignore anything I say or do.#
&re you the person who says one thing, and acts out
something completely different? .o you send out confusing
messages to those around you? .id you receive confusing
messages yourself in childhood?
'pen9ended boundaries
.o you have a very high $oundary fence in front of you
with a sign clearly saying, !.o 4ot Cross here,# $ut when
someone looks more closely at this fence they realise it is open at
$oth ends open3ended%? (hey can easily get around this fence It
is easy to get around you%. &re you easily persuaded to do or say
something, that you do not feel is right for you? Can this $e as a
result of guilt, or a fear of the conse'uences if you enforce your
$oundary? .o people pass no remarks on what you say, $ecause
they know if they persevere long enough, there are ways to get you
to change your mind?
!eak boundaries
.o you try so hard to maintain your $oundaries, $ut when
sufficient pressure is put on you, you succum$, collapse, or give in
under strain? .o you find it difficult to stick with what you feel is
right for you to stand your ground%, or do you give in for the sake
of peace, even when it is detrimental to your health or well3$eing?
&s a child is it possi$le you felt your opinions did not matter? 4o
matter how hard you tried to support or defend yourself, there was
-=?
always someone stronger than you? .id you learn it was pointless
to struggle or persevere with what you felt was right for you?
Ele.ible boundaries
.o you persist with your $oundaries for as long as you
can, $ut then give in $ecause !your arm can $e twisted,# depending
on who is doing the twisting, and the circumstances at the time.
(hese fences / $oundaries are erected to prevent some
people crossing. Infortunately it is not the people who respect you
and your $elief systems, who will use their power and strength of
will to transgress your $oundaries. (hese are not the people who
will try to $end or $reak you. It is the people who have no respect
for you, your way of $eing, your health or your life, who will
attempt to make you $end to suit their needs.
When you allow your $oundaries to $e twisted and $ent
often enough, they are likely to $reak. (his permitting of others to
change your mind can come from a $elief system that !you dont
matter.# What you want or need does not matter, and that other
people are more important than you and also their $eliefs are more
important than yours%.
#n"isible boundaries
&re you yourself not sure exactly where your $oundaries
are? (his can $e very frustrating for you, and for those around you.
(hese types of $oundaries are difficult to define, and vanish and
reappear at a moments notice. (his can $e a sense that you do have
$oundaries, $ut don0t know when, where, why, and to whom these
$oundaries should $e applied to. (his can $e as a result of
confusing messages from your role models i.e. parents, teachers,
family etc.
(ow boundaries
Aow $oundaries can come from a low sense of self,
insufficient depth or strength of will a low sense of self3worth%.
4ot a high enough sense of self, to enforce your $elief systems.
-?@
.oundaries
(he message you pro/ect may read, !&nyone who is a$le
to or who likes to, can cross here.# !I don0t matter, what $elongs to
me doesn0t matter, come and go as you please.# (his fence is /ust a
guideline, no real enforcement of $oundaries here%.
(his can happen as a result of a child not $eing allowed to
have $oundaries at an early age. 5ometimes the child will feel its
$oundaries are not respected. "e himself is not respected%. 5o the
feeling can ensue, !I don0t matter.#
!eak spots in this fence
When someone knows your weak spots or !the $uttons to
press,# they know they will get through to you, no matter how
hurtful or painful it is for you. (hey know the weak spots in your
defences.
!hat can you do about this?
Dind your own weak spots. Dind out how and when your
resistance was weakened. (ry to respond, rather than react when
your $uttons are $eing pressed.
We all have a need to $e loved and liked. Aack of love can
leave holes in your $oundary fence. (he lack of love in your life
can affect you so muchB it can weaken your defences. When
someone is offering this love, $y manipulative or hurtful means,
the need to !fill in these holes, these vacant spots# $y any means
possi$le, even if it is harmful, hurtful, or damaging to your health,
can $e 'uite strong.
Knlimited boundaries, or no boundaries at all
!(he sky is the limit# as far as these $oundaries are
concerned. +ou will do or say or allow any event, with no
reservations, and with no regard for the conse'uences for yourself
or others. (his can lead to very dysfunctional or addictive
$ehaviour. (his $ehaviour can $e as a result of a childhood, where
no $oundaries were role modelled or enforced $y those around
you. +ou may need to retrace your steps and find out where this
-?)
$ehaviour started. +ou may need to get some help to do this in the
form of therapy, counselling etc.
8o"eable boundaries 4o concrete $ase, $elief system
not very concrete%.
+ou or anyone else depending on the mood or
circumstance can lift these $oundaries. (hese $oundaries can $e
very confusing $ecause they can $e transferred from one person to
another or, one place to another without prior warning. ;eople who
move their $oundaries to facilitate others can $e called !people3
pleasers.#
!;eople1pleasers# have little or no regard for their own
wants or needs. 5o long as the other person is happy, the people3
pleaser feels happy also. What he doesn0t realise, is that he cannot
make anyone happy $ut himself. "appiness comes from within, not
from without.
1trict boundaries
5trict $oundaries means your sign reads, !Warning do not
cross these $oundaries without my consent.# !Ceep your distance
unless otherwise invited.# With strict $oundaries you will have
learned a$out $oundaries at a very early age. +ou will have learned
a$out your limitations, and how to create limitations and
$oundaries where others are concerned. If you have strong and
effective $oundaries, thank those who encouraged, helped, and
supported you in your learnings a$out $oundaries.
(ake time out today. "ave a good look at your $oundaries.
5ee if they need to $e repaired or replaced. +ou may need help to
find out where and how, your $oundaries were demolished in the
first place. Aearn that you have a right to your $oundaries, and you
have a right to enforce them where and when you need them.
>recting new fences and $oundaries may $e a slow
process. +our $oundaries may get knocked down a num$er of
times $efore you eventually manage to enforce them. *ut now you
-?-
.oundaries
are an adult. +ou can re$uild them, and reinforce them, and as they
get stronger, you get stronger. +ou can make the decision when to
create them, demolish them, or change them.
If you create $oundaries now, you create them within
yourself, and knowing them within yourself, will ena$le you to
respect the $oundaries of others. +ou are now the adult, hearing
the child within, responding, and acting, to the need to erect your
$oundaries again. +ou may need to seek professional help i.e.
therapy, counselling etc.
Can you remem$er the last time you had a value on
yourself, or a value on what $elonged to you? Can you even
remem$er what it was like to have $oundaries? It felt good then,
and it can feel good again.
&oday, ask yourself if your boundaries ha"e been
broken?
&re you allowing your $oundaries to $e $roken?
What can you do now, to prevent your $oundaries $eing
$roken in the future?
Affirmation
I will learn to recognise when my $oundaries are $eing
$roken.
I will give myself permission to say !no,# when I feel my
$oundaries are $eing transgressed or $roken.
-?2
(7@)
&he &rain
&re you trying to understand where it all $egan?
+here did your life begin?
+here did the changes take !lace?
How& where and when did you act and react to the
changes?
Could life have $een more comforta$le, more $alanced,
more harmonious for you? What have you learned from your
/ourney? What are you learning from your /ourney? What do you
want to learn from your /ourney? +ou do have choices. Whether
you exercise your freedom of choice or not is your decision. ,nly
you can decide.
+ou agreed to take a trip in order to experience and avail
of more earth learnings. (his /ourney was set up at a higher level
in 5pirit% many years ago. If you can imagine when you entered
this life it was like entering a train station. +ou had already
decided where you intended to go, and which train you intended to
$oard, to take you to a certain stage in your destination. +ou had
also decided at what stage of your /ourney you would take
responsi$ility for driving your own train.
&t an early age, it is possi$le you may have felt that you
had very few choices. +ou may have started your /ourney, with a
particular set of parents first train% with their own individual $elief
systems, ideals and family circumstances.
-?6
"he "rain
+ou may have found that further along your /ourney you
were changed to another set of parents a new train% i.e. you may
have $een fostered or adopted $y a family with completely
different $elief systems, and a different set of family values and
circumstances.
+ou may have $oarded a train that would travel along
uninterrupted, without stopping or having any $reakdowns until the
end of your /ourney, no ma/or hassles, sicknesses or traumas in
your life%. ,r, you may have $oarded a train, in order to experience
relationship pro$lems, traumas, sickness, and challenges, $ut one,
which would provide you with many learnings.
&s you grew older, you may have $egan to realise that
there were different rail tracks open to you, different directions
and different trains%. +ou found that you could take a different
route if you chose to. 5ometimes these /ourneys were en/oya$le
and sometimes not.
+ou may have discovered as time passed $y, that you were
not happy with the conditions on a particular train, or the $ehaviour
of its occupants your family, friends, workmates%. +ou may not
have $een happy either with the $ehaviour of other fellow
passengers $rothers and sisters%. (hey impeded your progress $y
control, $ullying, neglect and a$use. (his family did not allow you
the freedom to progress and develop your a$ilities. &t times you
may not have $een a$le to see the doors or windows on the train
that you had $oarded you could not see a way out, your vision was
clouded%.
+ou did however agree to take this particular train. &s the
/ourney progressed, you realised that you did not like the cold
indifference and re/ection within your family%.
(he food was not so good either there was nothing
fulfilling for you here%. & cold train no warmth in this family%.
-?9
&s life continued, this /ourney $ecame more
uncomforta$le difficult relationships, unhappy work conditions,
aches and pains%.
In the early stages of your /ourney the responsi$ility for
driving your train was taken over $y your parents and teachers.
+ou went wherever you were taken depending on their capa$ilities
and sense of direction. (his direction may not have always $een in
your $est interest.
)ou are responsible for your own life.
&s you grew older and had learned how to drive your own
train, were there times when you unwittingly handed over the
responsi$ility for driving your train to other drivers? .rivers who
were not necessarily 'ualified or capa$le of driving your train i.e.
family mem$ers, relations, health3care practitioners, and friends?
&s you learn more a$out life, you learn you are responsi$le
for your own life. +ou are also responsi$le for the conditions you
are prepared to endure. +ou can take $ack responsi$ility for
yourself. .rive your own train%. +ou can make this train more
comforta$le for yourself. +ou can learn not to hand over
responsi$ility for your train% life to others.
!hat can you do at this point in time?
(he /ourney of life can $e long or short, comforta$le or
rocky, $ut at all times you do have a choice. +ou have the free will
how, where, and when to make changes if you feel like it. +ou
have the choice whether to get off this train or stay on it. +ou have
the choice how, where, and when to get help in order to make the
/ourney more comforta$le for yourself.
+ou could /ump off the train leave that difficult marriage,
/o$, or dysfunctional relationship%. "owever doing this suddenly
and without thinking or planning for the next /ourney would $e like
/umping off a moving train in the middle of nowhere. Kumping off
-?:
"he "rain
the train may not $e the answer. +ou could hurt yourself
unnecessarily, and find it harder to get up and start all over again.
Conditioning tells us that we should not complain or ask
'uestions. We are told to take what we get, that there are others
much worse off than we are. "owever, if you stay on this particular
train you may not survive. 8ay$e someone else could survive here
and $e 'uite satisfied with these conditions, $ut they may not $e
suita$le for you, or your learnings. +ou may now feel 'uite worn
out and $attered from your /ourney. 5ome /ourneys are longer and
harder than others some learnings are more difficult than others%.
+ou could check the alternatives you have should you
decide to stay on this train. +ou may need help and support to help
you survive on this train or you may need help and direction as to
how, where, and when it would $e $est for you to leave this train.
(here are many who can help, $ut they may not $e on the
particular train you are travelling on at the moment.
+ou could check which station would $e $est for you to
stop and descend at. Check what other routes there are availa$le
and more suited to your particular needs. Dind which station offers
the direction and support you need. (here may $e more people on
this train and other trains, who are also dissatisfied with the
conditions they are living in. When they see your courage in
leaving this train making changes in your life% to start a new
/ourney, this may $e the turning point for them to also consider
leaving their unhealthy and unhappy situation.
Femem$er, everyone has a choice. >veryone has free will,
whether they exercise this or not is their choice.
+ou do not have to stay where you do not feel it is safe or
healthy for you, or where you feel there are no longer any learnings
for you. .o not $e afraid to look for help when the /ourney gets
tough. .o not $e afraid to clean up your carriage clean up your
health, your way of $eing and your $ehaviour patterns%. (his could
allow others to see that you can make changes. 8aking these
-?<
changes could $ring you into contact with other passengers and
drivers whose company you may en/oy more. It could also $ring
you into contact with people who are prepared to share your
/ourney in a caring and loving way.
+ou can take responsi$ility for driving your own train.
(ake care of, and take responsi$ility for your own life, your own
health%.
Affirmation
I will not allow fear of change to hold me in a place where
I am feeling unhealthy or unhappy.
I will see change as a challenge.
I know I cannot change anyone $ut myself.
-?=
"he Subconscious 4ind
(;A)
&he 1ubconscious 8ind
Knderstanding how the mind works can be an aid to
understanding the 1elf.
(he su$conscious mind holds $oth the negative and the
positive memories. ;ainful and unhappy memories can $e
suppressed in the su$conscious for a num$er of years. "owever, a
trauma or an in/ury could $e seen as $eing negative, $ut if we learn
something from it, it then $ecomes positive.
What happens when a child experiences a severe trauma or
shock? (his shock or trauma can $e physical, emotional or mental.
In order to survive, the child must shut down on all levels, $y
suppressing the memory of the pain in the su$conscious mind, until
they feel e'uipped and strong enough to deal with it.
(he physical level may $e the cut or wound. We look at
this cut or wound, feel the level of pain, clean it and stop the
$leeding. *y /udging the pain level and watching how the wound
heals, we know when it has fully healed. What we would not do is
put a plaster on this cut and leave it on for thirty or forty years. If
we did our whole physical $ody would $ecome infected.
(he pro$lem is that we do not see the mental or emotional
$ody. Conse'uently pain is tucked away in the su$conscious mind
for many years. &s it does not seem to $e an emergency like the
physical $leeding% it can $e suppressed or forgotten. (ime passes
on and sometimes the emotional and mental affects of the in/ury
are never dealt with.
(ake for example if a dog $ites a one3year3old child. (his
child cannot cope with the shock and the trauma of the incident and
-??
so it shuts down on all levels physical, emotional and mental. (he
physical wound stops $leeding. It is cleansed and taken care of.
!hat happens in the subconscious mind?
(he su$conscious mind has stored a memory of pain and
fear. (here is now a fear in this child that if it allows itself to think
a$out what happened, all the pain will return. (he child that was
$itten $y the dog may now $e an adult of fifty or sixty years of age.
(he physical wound may have long since healed, $ut every time
this person sees a dog, they contract in fear. &ll the old fear from
that first $ite of a dog is triggered again. Aogic the conscious
mind% says, !Aook at this dog. "e is not the same dog. "e is old
and fee$le and completely fenced in.# 5eeing the dog triggers the
memory in the su$conscious mind, of the pain and trauma. (his is
what holds us, controls and stops us from moving on from the fear.
We can have many suppressed painful memories, traumas
and fears. We may shut down on all levels physical, emotional and
mental. We suppress the pain in order to heal. (he memory of the
pain may $e triggered, $ut we can never again experience the exact
same pain as we experienced initially.
Femem$er it was a child of a year old who shut down and
suppressed the fear and the pain. 4o therapy can change what has
happened. *y working with the su$conscious mind through
therapy, the intensity of the fear can $e decreased thus allowing the
healing process to $egin.
If you have old traumas $uried in your su$conscious mind
you may need therapy to release those memories, deal with them
and heal from them.

2@@
)ighting A Candle
(;1)
(ighting A Candle
-ou may ha%e recently called on your 7od for hel!.
+hen you ask for hel!& it always arri%es.
/t does not always arri%e in the way you e(!ect it.
Sometimes you may ask for hel!& but it may not be for your
greater good that you recei%e what you re*uest at this
!articular !oint in time
+ou may ask 7od for help for a friend or family mem$er.
It may $e some time later that you realise that your re'uest was not
for the greater good of this person at that particular time.
When asking for help it is important to $e clear and not put
any conditions on the re'uest, and to accept the outcome as $eing
for the greater good of all. If you are re'uesting help for another
person, it is important to say at the end of your re'uest, !;roviding
it is for the greater good of all.# Whilst you may $elieve that what
you are re'uesting is $est for you or $est for another person, it may
not necessarily $e part of the !grand plan,# that either you or they
receive this re'uest at this particular time.
&lthough your guides hear and respond to your every call
for help, it can sometimes add greater intensity and focus to the
re'uest, if you simply light a candle and direct your thoughts
through its flame. Ising the energy of a lighted candle is also a
very powerful means of sending healing light and unconditional
love to anyone anywhere at any time. +ou can send healing energy
to the earth, to all creatures, to the old or sick, or anyone who is
going through trauma or upheaval in their lives. +ou can send
2@)
inspirational energy to help someone applying for a /o$ or studying
for exams.
+ou can also use the power of a candle to release and help
someone who has passed into spirit. 5ometimes it can $e difficult
to !let go# of someone you love. When they have moved into
spirit, you can help them on their /ourney, $y lighting a candle for
them, sending them your love and wishing them well on their
/ourney in spirit. +ou can light a candle and ask your higher power,
7od, guides, angels to help you to !let go of the connection that
$inds you,# allowing $oth you and them to move on peacefully on
your respective evolutionary /ourneys. It is not necessary to see
this as !cutting the ties that $ind,# $ut rather as allowing $oth of
you to have the freedom to continue on different paths whilst still
connected to each other $y unconditional love.
When you light a candle, you open the doorway to light. It
is like a phone call to the higher $eings for assistance. Aighting a
candle is a physical action, and when coupled with a re'uest, it
connects you to !&ll (hat Is,# the Iniversal >nergies, "igher
Consciousness, 7od. +ou must then !let go and trust# the outcome
of your re'uest. In letting go, you hand over your re'uest and its
outcome to the higher powers without preconditions. 7iven time
everything, every action and reaction fits in with the greater
universal plan.
2@-
Awareness
(;%)
Awareness
)ou reach a new le"el of awareness
When you !waken up# to life around you.
When you !open your eyes# and understand love and
respect those around you.
When you see nature at work with all its awe3inspiring
$eauty.
When you see the world as one infinite mass of ever
changing, interconnected energy of which you are an integral part.
When you accept and respect every human $eing, every
$ird, fish and animal in the whole spectrum of life.
When you appreciate the land, water, air, mineral and plant
kingdom and how important a role they play in your world.
When you recognise how to create harmony in your life,
the environment and your world.
When you learn to heal your own physical, emotional and
spiritual $odies.
When you learn how to !tune in# with the flow of life and
consciously connect with !&ll (hat Is# with unconditional love.
&oday ask yourself 3ow aware am #?
&m I aware of my feelings and how I feel towards others?
&m I aware of my own state of well3$eing?
2@2
Awareness is working in the light.
(ack of awareness is working in the dark.
In a very simple example, let us assume that you cannot
find the switch for a light in a room. If you are shown where the
switch is, you are now aware of where the switch is. (his is an
awareness, which you did not have, prior to $eing shown where
the switch was.
+ou may $e unaware of how your $ehaviour may $e
affecting another person, persons or situation, $ut when you are
made aware of how your $ehaviour may $e affecting this person,
persons or situation, you can never again deny your awareness.
+ou now must take full responsi$ility for your $ehaviour
and the conse'uences of this $ehaviour.
&oday ask your :od, your guides, your angels
(o $ring you awareness for whatever it is you need.
5how you direction where you may have gone astray.
5upport you in times of need.
Aift you up when you are down.
5how you light where there is darkness
"elp you to recognise and $ecome aware of the needs of
others.
2@6
A Healer
(;*)
A 3ealer
$o you e%er wonder if you ha%e healing abilities?
"he answer is yes.
'%eryone has the ability to hel! themsel%es and others to
heal. -ou may be acting as a healer e%ery day of your life
and not be aware of it.
5omeone asked me one day how they could $e a healer.
(his 'uestion has $een asked many times $y people wanting to
help. 5o I asked my guides, !What is a healer?#
(hey said we have all got the a$ility to heal ourselves, $ut
we also have the a$ility to help others to heal themselves.
We would all like to $e a$le to help others more. We may
feel that to heal we must $e doing something ma/or like healing a
ma/or illness, discovering a new healing remedy, or resolving
some$ody0s emotional pro$lems.
We live in a material $ased physical world of fast cars, fast
living and highly advanced technology. It is a world of gadgets and
'uick fixes. 7adgets which remove much needed exercise and
learnings from everyday life. We have medicines for 'uick fixes
rather than taking the time to find the cause so as not to make
demands on our time. & world of action rather than feeling.
What a$out the art of conversation, or the art of listening?
.o we take the time to really listen?
"ow many times do we listen without hearing?
2@9
.o we give solutions without hearing the precise 'uestion?
.o we answer $efore the 'uestion is complete?
.o we give $ack the power to a person to heal themselves,
or do we try to take over their healing process?
(he guides say, o$serve how you react the next time you
are walking along the road and you meet your neigh$our. .o you
say, !7ood morning, how are you,# $ut then walk 'uickly past
them, in case they stop and start telling you /ust how they really
feel?
.o you ask them how they are and then tell them they are
looking great, all in the same $reath?
.o you cross the road to avoid them in case they keep
talking for ten minutes, delaying you and keeping you late
for your appointment?
.o you walk straight past them, pretending you did not see
them at all?
If you want to $e a healer, you could start $y saying,
!7ood morning,# ask them how they are. (hey may reply that they
have $een out of work all week $ecause of the flu. If you can offer
some suggestion that may help, then do so, $ut there is no need to
go into a long tirade a$out yourself and all $elonging to you and all
that happened to you last week and how you dealt with the flu.
&ll you have to do is listen for a moment and perhaps
make a few suggestions.
It is up to them whether to heed you or not.
It is that simple.
4ow you ha"e become a healer.
&nother example is, if someone has a pro$lem with their
child, partner, spouse or family mem$er and you spend even one
2@:
A Healer
minute really listening, then you are giving that person the space to
heal. 4ow you are helping someone to heal. &s a healer you do not
need to take responsi$ility for someone else, $ut rather give him or
her the power to heal themselves.
Imagine you have a $ucket of water and you share this
with your neigh$our when he is thirsty. In relieving their thirst you
are now helping them to heal. *ut you can also tell them where the
well is, and in showing them where to find water, you are helping
them to heal themselves.
;assing on information that may $e helpful to someone is
empowering him or her and is also a form of healing. +ou can help
someone to heal $y empathising with them, $y sharing some of
your experiences, and how you dealt with them, which may $e
similar to theirs. (his may allow them to feel less alone and give
them the courage to seek further help if necessary.
&oday, be a healer.
Do one small task to help a neighbour or a friend.
2@<
(;,)
<ipples
& thought is like a pe$$le in a pond 1 once you drop the
pe$$le in the pond, the ripples $egin.
It may take a long time for them to spread out and reach
their destination, $ut they will eventually reach the edges of a
shoreline and return $ack to you.
>very time we move we change the energy around us.
>very time we have a thought, we $egin to create a new
reality.
6e careful of stones that you throw. &hey may come
back to you some day, sometimes when you least e.pect them.
When two people $ecome involved in an argument, they
are directing a particular vi$ration towards each other. ,ne or other
may $e feeling a sense of in/ustice at something the other person
has said or done. If either person is feeling a sense of in/ustice, the
emotion associated with this feeling can $e one of anger. If the
person feeling the anger does not express it, and deal with it,
appropriate to the situation, the reason for the anger cannot $e
resolved.
We all have the choice as to how we deal with our feelings
and emotions. ;ast coping methods may sometimes $e applied in
an inappropriate manner.
*y dealing with issues at the time they happen, you can
prevent suppressed and unresolved angers from $ecoming a part of
a future argument or dispute, where they are not relevant.
When you are expressing an emotion such as anger, you
need to $e aware of what proportion of this anger is relevant to the
2@=
2i!!les
present issue, and that the intensity of the anger that you are
directing towards a particular person is /ustifia$le. Could the
intensity of this anger $e as a result of many years of unresolved
and suppressed angers? It could $e a case of !the straw that $roke
the camel0s $ack with regard to the person who may $e on the
receiving end of this intense anger? (his person knowing they are
not responsi$le for the intensity of the out$urst may not $e
prepared to take the full force of your anger on $oard. (hey may
mirror $ack the full force of your anger to you, and you may not
like it.
.o you $lame this person for mirroring $ack your anger,
or do you take responsi$ility for your own anger and the intensity
of it? When you send out vi$rations such as anger, hate, resentment
etc., given time, they will return $ack to you /ust like the ripples
on the shore%, in order for you to deal with them.
.o you continue to feel angry even when the other person
acknowledges the part they played in triggering your anger? Is it
possi$le this anger is still with you, $ecause someone challenged
your point of view? .id you personalise their reaction and feel
challenged, threatened, or put down when this happened, or is the
anger still with you $ecause this person will not take responsi$ility
for the intensity of your anger?
+ou may still $e vi$rating at an angry fre'uency long after
the event has passed. (his could $e $ecause even though the other
person appeared to listen to your side of the dispute, you may not
feel heard, /udging $y the way they reacted to you. (his can
increase your anger and frustration even more.
+ou may still feel angry $ecause even though the other
person listened and heard your point of view, they may not have
agreed with you or your point of view in the midst of a heated
argument or emotional or physical out$urst.
5omeone that sends out a peaceful and calm vi$ration can
arrive on the scene of an argument or angry out$urst. (his calm
2@?
vi$ration can diffuse or decrease the intensity of what is
happening. (his type of vi$ration can $e likened to pouring cold
water on a raging fire. It does not mean that the reason for the
dispute or argument has $een resolved. It means the intensity of the
feeling $etween the two people has $een decreased or diffused,
thus allowing a possi$le reconciliation in a peaceful and
harmonious way. & calmer slower vi$ration has the a$ility to
change the atmosphere and vi$ration $etween numerous people.
(hey can do this $y remaining calm and slowing down the higher,
more angered vi$rations vi$es% $eing set up $etween the people
who have $een arguing.
+ou can choose to express your feelings in a manner that
is neither harmful, aggressive, /udgemental nor $laming. +ou can
choose to deal with your feelings as they happen. (his creates a
vi$ration of !going with the flow.# (here is no $uild3up of anger
here. +ou can choose how you relate to another person. +ou can
relate to them at the same fre'uency that they are sending out, or
you can stay in your own space and vi$rate at your own fre'uency.
+ou can leave your space your own vi$ration%, and try to
get into someone else0s vi$ration $y trying to tune into their
fre'uency and $y then telling them what you think they want to
hear. (hey know you are $eing unreal, and can react in a
dismissive or angry manner. (his person may have picked up on
the vi$ration that you were sending out i.e. minimising,
maximising or placating. +ou in turn can reflect $ack an angry or
confused vi$ration, $ecause your over exu$erant vi$ration was not
reciprocated as you expected.
+ou must take responsi$ility for leaving your own
vi$ration in the first instance. If you are not sending out a real and
truthful vi$ration, you cannot expect to get a real and truthful
vi$ration returned $ack to you.
(he next time you find yourself either in the company of
people who are engaging in arguments, angry out$ursts, or
disagreements, especially if it does not concern you, try and stay in
2)@
2i!!les
your own space, your own vi$ration. ,$serve what is happening
around you. Deel your own feelings in the midst of the storm.
+ou may feel calm within yourself $ecause arguments or
'uarrels may not $e triggering a fearful emotion for you. (ry and
not get caught up in the vi$ration of others, i.e. if for you there is
fear associated with arguments, you may experience a feeling of
fear. (ry not to allow the fearful vi$ration to control you. Deel your
fear and then decide what action you wish to take.
If someone is reacting in an angry manner as a result of
something you have said or done, you need to take responsi$ility
for your own $ehaviour. If you try to deflect their anger $y
$laming, /ustifying, minimising, or excusing what you have said or
done, you will only create a more intense angry vi$ration. (his
person will continue to mirror $ack to you, the conse'uences of
your $ehaviour, until you take responsi$ility for that $ehaviour and
deal with it.
It is important not to confuse mirroring $ack someone0s
anger with not taking responsi$ility for your own $ehaviour. Dor
instance supposing you forget to deliver an important message.
*ecause of this the other person may $ecome 'uite angry, 1 which
they are entitled to $e. .o you react angrily saying, !+ou asked me
to do too many things at the same time, and anyway you did not do
what I asked you to do last week?# 1 (his is transference%.
!It0s no $ig deal, can0t I do it tomorrow?# 1 +ou are now
minimising%.
!Why didn0t you get someone else to do it if it0s that
important, o$viously I can0t $e trusted.# 1 +ou are now playing
the victim role%.
!+ou mustn0t have made it clear to me, what it is you
wanted done, otherwise I would have done it.# 1 4ow, you are
also $laming the other person and insinuating the reason you didn0t
deliver the message was $ecause of the way you were asked to do
so%.
2))
!+ou didn0t say you wanted it done today.# (his is in
despite the fact that you heard the person asking you to do it today.
(his is denial%.
!I didn0t hear you saying that you wanted it done today.# 1
(his is selective hearing%.
!I0m doing the $est I can, I know you are working very
hard too.# 4ow you are placating%.
!Why don0t we go out for a drink this evening, you need a
$reak, you0re in $ad form all day, are you not feeling well?# 4ow
you are distracting%.
&t this point the other person may $e in a high state of
tension. (he vi$ration $etween you and them is rage, anger,
in/ustice and fear. .o you then try to diffuse the situation $efore it
reaches $reaking point, or do you allow it to continue until you or
the other person $reaks down, screams, $reaks something or falls
apart completely?
.o you then decide to $ack track to where it $egan? What
you have done now, is you have taken the /ustifia$le angry
vi$ration and turned it to your advantage. (he other person is
$roken now. (hey will accept any excuse for your $ehaviour. *ut
what you must remem$er is that the angry vi$ration is still there.
(he reason for it in the first instance has not $een resolved and will
$e reflected $ack to you again and again until you take
responsi$ility for your $ehaviour and deal with it.
&here are many ways you can respond to someone
else2s angry outbursts.
Dor example, supposing you are late for an appointment,
you arrive at the person0s door and they are furious. (hey tell you
how really annoyed they are.
.o you &% exclaim, !(he traffic was dreadful?# !I was
late starting off.# !I tried to phone, your line must have $een
2)-
2i!!les
engaged.# Incorrect $ehaviour 1 these are /ust excuses, /ustifying
your $ehaviour, increasing angry vi$rations from the other person%.
,r *% do you say as the person opens the door, !"i, isn0t
it a lovely day, spring is here at last. +ou0re looking great. "ow are
you keeping?# Incorrect $ehaviour 1 this $ehaviour is not
allowing the other person the space to deal with their anger and
annoyance%. 5idetracking the issue%.
,r C% when the person opens the door and tells you that
you are late for your appointment, do you reply, !Who are you to
complain, you have $een late for the last three meetings which we
had arranged?# Incorrect way of dealing with the issue, 1 this is
direct confrontational $ehaviour%.
,r .% do you say, !I am really sorry for $eing late. I will
make another appointment to see you at a later date, if it is not
convenient for you to see me now. I 'uite understand why you are
angry and annoyed?#
+ou have now acknowledged the other person0s anger and
annoyance. +ou have given them the space to express and feel
their anger or annoyance. +ou have not ignored or increased the
angry vi$ration. +ou went with the flow of the other person0s
anger, without $locking it, minimising it, or denying it. (his
situation has now $ecome diffused and dealt with, $ecause of your
acknowledgement of the part you played in triggering this person0s
anger. (his person0s anger may not $e totally related to you. +ou
only need to take on $oard and resolve within yourself and with the
other person, the part that you are responsi$le for. +ou have now
changed the vi$ration around the incident.
!hat you ha"e sent out now is what will come back to
you, H good "ibrations (good "ibes).
(he next time, think $efore you engage in a dishonest act
or deed. 1 +ou may have to deal with the inevita$le $acklash
sooner than you think.
2)2
"hink $efore you engage in a ver$al or physical out$urst of
anger or rage.
(hink a$out what you are doing or why you are doing it.
Would you really like the ripples you are sending out, to
return $ack to you?
O5olomon
2)6
$istractions
(;5)
Distractions

What are distractions?
.istractionsB are any act, deed, or su$stance that may $e
used $y ourselves or others, to avoid, minimise, suppress or keep
physical, emotional or mental pain at $ay. (hey can also $e used to
keep the feelings associated and related to the particular incident or
trauma suppressed or at $ay.
Were distractions used on you as a child? When you fell
over and $umped your head were you held, soothed, and comforted
until you stopped crying, or, were you picked up 'uickly, your
tears wiped away, and then given something to play with? ,r.
Were you picked up and then taken to look out the window and
told, !Aook at the $irdies,# !Aook at the moo cows?# (his may
distract you from your pain for a few minutes. +ou can0t see any
$irdies or moo cows, and your head still hurts, 1 so you start to cry
again.
Were you sometimes told, !.on0t $e crying it0s only a
little $ang.# 1 !+ou0re a $ig $oy/girl now, $ig $oys or $ig girls
don0t cry over little things like that.# 1 !I0ll get you a nice $iscuit,
and then you will feel much $etter?#
>ventually after a half a packet of $iscuits and a few lumps
of chocolate, you don0t need any more distractions. +ou have
forgotten your sore head for the time $eing. +ou are covered in
$iscuits and chocolate, inside and outside. +ou now have a tummy
ache and start to cry again. (his time you may get a painkilling
remedy in order to 'uieten you down and stop you crying. If that
doesn0t work, someone may have to come up with more effective
distractions, which will take your mind off your pain, i.e. take you
for a walk, or $ring you for a spin in the car etc.
2)9
Can you see how distractions for an adult could ha"e
started "ery early in childhood?
(he first message we may receive is, 1 !/gnore the !ain.#
;retend it0s not there and it will go away%.
If it doesn0t go away, 1 !4inimise it.# It0s not that $ad%.
If it persists, 1 !.lock it in any way you can.# 5top it $y
whatever means possi$le%.
If it continues to surface on and off, 1 !;ind another more
!owerful distraction.# & more powerful means of
$locking the pain%.
&s you grew older, and someone did or said something to
hurt or upset you, which made you cry, 1 were you encouraged to
sit down and talk a$out it? Were you asked, !What exactly
happened, how did it happen, where are you hurt, where do you
feel the pain, what did this person say to upset or you?# ,r, were
you told, !It0s not worth crying over?# !(hey didn0t really mean
it.# !I0ll $ring you into town later and $uy you something nice for
yourself.#
(his may $e a distraction, to take your mind off your pain
or hurt, 1 $ut it has not resolved it. (he pain or hurt has $een
dismissed, minimised, and pushed to one side. It has not $een dealt
with in an appropriate and healing manner.
Aater in life did you discover distractions that worked for
you, i.e. when you felt tired and upset, did you reach for the $iscuit
tin or chocolate $ar, or the cup of tea or coffee, or other stimulant?
,r, did you honour your feelings and talk a$out why you were
upset, and then treat yourself to something nice and rewarding for
having the courage to deal with what was upsetting you? If you
were feeling tired, did you lie down and rest or did you use
stimulants to keep you going and then make numerous phone calls,
to take your mind off your tiredness?
2):
$istractions
As an adult do you still use distractions from time to
time?
.o you use distractions when feelings surface that you are
not ready, or a$le to deal with?
.o you have a fear of feelings?
(hese can $e feelings of hurt, pain, loneliness, loss,
sadness, anger, guilt, grief, remorse, shame, low self3
esteem, anxiety, anger or fear.
.o you or have you used distractions such as incessant or
persistent phone calls to family or friends, continuous cups
of tea or coffee, $ingeing on food, sweets or alcohol. &re
you constantly watching (G, listening to the radio,
exercising, socialising, cleaning and scru$$ing, even when
it is not necessary? &re you continually calling on
neigh$ours and friends for a chat, or making numerous
unnecessary trips to the shops or to town?
.o you engage in a lot of these $ehaviours without really
en/oying them, and sometimes not even notice or 'uestion
the reasons, why you do what it is you do or say?
4ext time before you use distractions ask yourselfH
What is happening for you at this moment in time, i.e. are
you sad, lonely, fearful etc? What are you feeling? +ou need to
identify the feeling. Cnow it is safe to have feelings. Deel the
feeling. Claim the feeling. "onour the feeling. (his feeling is
yours, and yours alone.
Whatever happened to create this feeling can never happen
again. (he fear of the feeling is sometimes greater than the actual
feeling itself. (he fear can $e that if you get in touch with the
feeling, and allow yourself to feel the feeling, that you will $e
una$le to cope. +ou will $e una$le to survive. +ou will fall apart.
2)<
What you need to realise is, you have already lived
through and survived what is causing the feeling. +ou can never
again experience the trauma, incident, or accident that caused these
feelings, even if you wanted to. "ow do you know if something is
$etter or worse, if you do not allow yourself to feel? If you do not
feel you cannot heal.
+ou may have learned to $lock painful memories as a
child. -ou may ha%e learned that it is not safe to ha%e feelings.
+ou may have learned to associate feelings, with hurt and pain,
never having learned to associate feelings, with love, /oy, and
happiness.
+ou may use distractions to avoid or $lock unhappy or
painful memories, $ut it does not mean the memories have gone
away or disappeared. When you reach for a distraction, rather than
allow yourself to feel the feeling those memories can $e triggered
again and again either $y someone or $y a particular event until
they are dealt with.
When you reach for a distraction rather than allow the
painful memory of the loss of a loved one, you are not
dealing with the feeling.
When you reach for a distraction rather than deal with
hurtful remarks or deeds inflicted $y another, you are not
dealing with these issues or feelings.
When you reach for distractions to suppress memories of
hurt, shame, guilt or remorse, you are not allowing
yourself to heal from these issues and deal with the
feelings.
When you use distractions rather than deal with the anxiety
and fear around what some$ody has said or done, or what
they are likely to say or do, you are not dealing with the
feelings related to the incident or possi$le incidents, 1 you
are pushing your feelings to one side.
2)=
$istractions
(ry and identify the feeling, i.e. anxiety, fear etc, around
what has happened or what you feel is likely to happen%, $ased on
past experiences.
D>>A ("> D>>AI47.
+ou have a right to your feelings. +our feelings are as a
result of something that has happened to you, 1 a trauma, incident
or accident.
(he next time when you think a$out doing something,
especially something that is not really important at this point in
time, take a deep $reath and ask yourselfH Why am I doing this? Is
what I am doing really necessary at this point in time? &m I doing
this $ecause it is a challenge, and I really en/oy it? &m I doing this
to improve my health and general well3$eing? ,r, am I using this
su$stance or engaging in this $ehaviour as a distraction, in order to
avoid some painful feelings and keep some painful memories from
surfacing? 4ext time $efore you reach for that $ar of chocolate,
cup of tea or coffee, ask yourselfH &re you really hungry? &re you
$ored? ,r. &re you trying to keep some painful memories at $ay?
4ext time you feel like $ingeing on food or drink, ask
yourselfH &re you really hungry, or are you trying to suppress some
painful memories? 4ext time $efore you reach for that cigarette,
drink or addictive su$stance, 1 ask yourselfH What is going on for
you? What are you feeling? &re you afraid to relax? Is there a fear
that if you relax all your old painful memories of loss, hurt, pain
etc, will surface, and you won0t $e a$le to deal with them or
suppress them again?
*efore you reach for the telephone, ask yourself, what are
you feeling? &re you feeling lonely? What is the reason for
your loneliness? "ave you had a recent loss or
$ereavement, which you may need to deal with and heal
from?
*efore you reach for your distraction, try and get in touch
with what you are feeling first. .eal with your feeling. (ry
2)?
and find out what is causing the feeling. ,nce you have
felt the feeling and dealt with it, you can never experience
that particular feeling again. .oing this will allow you to
move on with your life.
5uppressing emotions is like keeping a $alloon pushed
down in a $ath of water. *ut once you take your hand off, it rises
up again. (he effort spent in suppressing and avoiding emotions
can cause exhaustion and ill3health. +ou may find as you learn to
deal with your feelings and emotions, as and when they happen,
you will have less and less need or reasons for distractions.
Felaxing $y choice rather than using unhealthy means to
force the $ody to relax, can $e healing for $ody, mind and spirit.
7etting in touch with the feeling $efore stuffing the $ody with
unhealthy food su$stances may help the person to lose weight, or
gain weight if necessary.
Ising distractions is not a solution to a pro$lem. It may
keep the pro$lem at $ay initially, $ut long term in order for you to
heal, you need to learn to deal with your feelings how and when
they occur.
#n order to get in touch with your feelings, you may
need to sit down and 0uieten the mind.
Aighting a candle and listening to relaxing music can
sometimes help to allow you to focus on the particular issue,
incident or trauma which you may have a fear of feeling, or
difficulty dealing with. &s you concentrate and focus on your
particular issue or trauma, allow the memory of what has happened
to come to the fore. +ou may find your eyes welling up with tears
as your $ody $egins to !feel# once again the emotions relating to
that particular event. &ll the time remem$ering, whatever has
caused you hurt or pain can never happen again%.
&llow yourself the feelings. Deel the feelings, claim the
feelings, honour the feelings. (hey are yours and yours
2-@
$istractions
alone. (hey are your response to a particular incident or
trauma in your life.
&llow the tears to flow.
&llow yourself to cry. Cry, cry, cry, cry, cry.
&llow yourself to feel the feeling throughout your entire
$ody.
&his is the beginning of your healing process.
+ou may also feel as you are going through this process,
that you have a need to express or ver$alise your feelings to
someone. It may not $e convenient or appropriate for you to do this
at this point in time, $ut giving yourself permission to do so when
it is convenient, gives you the freedom to move on and heal. It may
$e something you had suppressed, avoided saying, or felt you
couldn0t say at the time of the incident.
.epending on the severity or intensity of your trauma, you
may feel more safe and secure in dealing with your feelings, in a
therapeutic environment, i.e. with a professional therapist.
"owever, you may feel safe and secure in the company of someone
you love or trust. Whatever you feel is right for you, 1 that is okay.
(he feelings that may surface can $e anything from grief to fear, to
anger, to loss etc.
&llowing yourself to !feel,# !own,# and !express# your
feelings can help clarify what is happening for you. It can allow
you to heal, and also create closure on the trauma or incident. What
was once used as a distraction, can now $e a challenge i.e. sorting
out your garden can $e a creative and en/oya$le experience, rather
than a distraction.
8aking that phone call can allow you to make connection,
exchange views and opinions with friends and loved ones. It can
also allow you to share some fun and laughter in the comfort of
your own home. "aving and sharing a cup of tea or coffee, or a
2-)
drink with a neigh$our or friend can ena$le you to exchange some
new ideas and have some fun.
Affirmation
(oday I will look at where, when and what I may $e using
as distractions in my life. &s I learn to deal with my feelings, I will
not need distractions. I will learn to love and en/oy what I am
doing, rather than using unhealthy or addictive su$stances or
$ehaviours, or my time or money as a source or means of
distraction.
I will not use distractions to avoid dealing with my hurt,
pain, etc.
I will $ecome more aware of when and where, how and
why, I may $e using distractions.
When I have allowed myself to feel my feelings, claim my
feelings, honour my feelingsB I will reward myself for having the
courage to have done so.
2--
2ight And +rong
(;7)
<ight And !rong

What is right? &nd what is wrong?
It is only our own perception which distinguishes which is
right or which is wrong.
If you see a tree on the shore of a lake, at a certain angle
you can see a reflection of the tree in the water, which looks upside
down 1 or is it?
4ow if you stand on your head and look again, the tree in
the water appears the right way up $ut now you are upside down.
If you see a tree growing on the side of a mountain, the
tree will look off $alance as if it is growing at an angle. *ut if you
tilt at an angle, the tree will look straight. "owever, now you are
off $alance 1 or are you really?
Which is right and which is wrong? 1 4either.
O5olomon.
2-2
(;;)
Iarma

!Carma# can otherwise $e called !Cause and >ffect.#
Cause and effect is in operation throughout the universe. In
other words every action creates a reaction. >verything you have
said or done in the past is affecting you now, and what you do, say
or think now, is shaping your future. When you pass once again
into spirit you are given an opportunity to !look $ack# on your past
life. +ou can then determine what you may have learned from that
particular life and what you may still need to learn. +ou will see
how you lived your life and once again see the affect your deeds
and actions good and $ad% have had on others and yourself.
If you so choose, your next earth life will include
learnings, which you may need for your expanding awareness and
evolvement. +ou can determine what sort of earth3life you would
like to experience, and would $est fulfil your needs.
In order to advance on our ultimate spiritual /ourney, we
must know and understand the implications of our actions. >ach of
our acts has two direct effects or results one that is immediate and
one that is delayed%B there are also wider repercussions or
secondary effects. Dor example, take someone who in a moment of
anger, $reaks his neigh$our0s window with his fist, and cuts his
hand while doing so. (he cutting of his hand is the immediate
conse'uence, while the damages he must pay his neigh$our
constitute the delayed results. If he does not make recompense, he
will $e forced to do so at some later time% (he affects of his actions
on others constitute the repercussions or secondary conse'uences.
(he same law of the universe applies e'ually to our good
actions. & good deed or action will in turn $ring a$out !good
luck,# and good reactions. We need to $e aware of the
2-6
@arma
conse'uences of any wrongdoings towards our fellow men,
$ecause if we do not repay and redeem them in this life then it will
$e registered in the universal energy field, and karmic
repercussions will inevita$ly $alance the de$t eventually one way
or the other.
>ach $eing or spirit has its own individual path to travel.
(his is their free choice, chosen !in spirit# $efore they reincarnate
and are re$orn as a person here on earth. (hey must then deal with
worldly conditions, laws, governments, the environment,
relationships, stresses and pressures, plus many other factors that
can impose restrictions on the full expression of their free will. (he
challenges they take on when they reincarnate, are to express
themselves fully !who they are,# and !who they want to $e,#
within the confines of a physical existence.
(here is no such a thing as a fixed num$er of incarnations.
(his is up to the individuals themselves. +ou might $e or you
might meet a person who has returned to settle a karmic de$t
incurred $y a wrongdoing in a previous life. 5uch a de$t can $e
worked off in one crucial moment, or over six years of life, or it
may take a lifetime or even more, in which case you will have to
return to !$alance the $ooks# in yet another lifetime. (his is karma
at work.
(here may $e times you feel the !$urden of life,# is too
much to $ear, when you are paying off a past de$t for ill3will, mis3
deeds, or past transgressions. If on the other hand you are one of
those !lucky# people who seem to $e a$le to do no wrong, or are
always in the right place at the right time, you are pro$a$ly reaping
the rewards and $enefits from past good deeds, either earlier in
your present life or from past lives. Drom this, you may come to
the conclusion that there really is no such a thing as luck, $ut only
hidden design and karma.
In choosing your parents and their genetic factor, you were
aware of the possi$le physical, mental, and emotional attri$utes
you could ac'uire. We sometimes choose parents for what we see
2-9
as negative aspects rather than their positive aspects. (here is little
point in choosing parents who are millionaires if we want to learn
a$out poverty, that is, if they remain millionaires throughout their
lives and we reap the $enefits of their wealth. (here is little point
in choosing parents who will remain poverty stricken, if we need to
learn a$out wealth, or if we need to learn a$out the a$use of wealth
and power. (here is little point in choosing a home and family for a
lifetime of disharmony if we want to learn a$out peace and
harmony and visa versa. (here is little point in choosing a family
where there is ongoing loss, grief, sadness and hurt, and very little
experiences of happiness and /oy, if we want to learn a$out /oy,
happiness and laughter.
(he learning we choose can $e long or short, $ut once we
have experienced our initial learning i.e. the reason we returned
for an earth experience%, we may choose to move on and
experience many more learnings of different types, different
lengths and from many varied, interesting, and exciting sources.
"aving $een $orn, you are still free to choose the finer details of
your experience, to make the $est or worst of your life, to fulfil it
or let it drift aimlessly, or even to em$ark on a career of cruelty,
selfishness and destruction.
)ou are making that choice e"ery day.
Femem$er also, Date is not some $lind, illogical force that
goes around impulsively $estowing its favours and punishments at
random. Date and Carma, is the outcome of personal, family,
group, national, and racial events.
+ou are at li$erty and have free will at all times. +ou can
choose how you affect the lives of those around you. +ou can
shape your own destiny, you can shape your present life, and you
can shape your own future, $y what you do and how you do it
*>xcerpts and further reading from *ahram >lahi, !(he path of perfection,# and #(he guide
$ook, a channelled teaching of our time.#
2-:
Solomons 2e!ly "o 4ary
(;?)
1olomon2s <eply &o 8ary

,ne day 8ary asked 5olomon, !"ow come my partner
will not change?#
8ary had exhausted herself, her health and her $ank
$alance in her attempts to change her partner and his $ehaviour.
5olomon said, !8ary you and your partner met each other at a
certain place and time. +ou $oth decided to form a relationship.
In the $eginning all aspects of the relationship appeared
normal. +ou were $oth relatively compati$le with each other. +ou
had similar interests, $eliefs and conditioning. (here were times
when you neither 'uestioned, nor dou$ted your own $ehaviours or
that of your partner. &t other times you realised that some of these
$ehaviours were unaccepta$le and inappropriate.
Dollowing a chain of events, which occurred in your life, it
was necessary for you to attend for therapy. (he therapy you
received, plus your own inner knowing, $rought you to a new level
of awareness. What this actually meant was that you $egan to see
life from a different perspective. +ou realised that some of your
own past $ehaviours were unaccepta$le and some of the
$ehaviours of your partner, family, and friends were also
unaccepta$le and inappropriate.
8ary, one day in the recent past, you awakened to a
different level of awareness. +ou $egan to see that there was a life
outside the existence you perceived to $e normal. +ou looked
$eyond yourself, $eyond your relationship, $eyond your
conditioning. +ou saw a great expansive and exciting world out
there. & world waiting to $e em$raced. & world of freedom. &
world without conditioning or control. & world of fun and /oy.
2-<
+our new awareness had changed your perspective and
$eliefs. +ou started to look within yourself for answers. &nswers
to the reasons for your unhappiness, your loneliness, depression
and addictive $ehaviours.
&t this point you may also have realised, that your partner
was not the person you thought he was, or would like him to $e.
+ou experienced hurt and re/ection at his lack of support and lack
of acceptance for the changes taking place within you. "e
suggested that you were !losing the plot,# $y $ecoming involved in
all this !therapy $usiness.#
*ecause of his reaction to the changes you were making,
and his ina$ility to compromise, you $oth $ecame more isolated
from each other. (he people who had $een friends with $oth of you
over the years had also started to drift away.
&s time passed you $ecame more attracted to like3minded
people. +ou saw the employment you were now in, as unfulfilling.
+ou started reading $ooks and attending classes on personal
growth and self3development, and eventually $egan training in
different types of therapies. +our partner saw this as a re/ection of
him, and the particular interests, which were important to him.
Changing to this new way of $eing was not an easy process. +ou
felt lonely and isolated at times.
(hen one day you had a !$rain wave,# 1 why not try and
change your partner in the same way that you had changed
yourself? +ou thought that if you could get him to see life as you
now saw it, and see it from the same perspective as you, 1 then
everything would $e as you thought it should $e. +our idea was to
change him to the kind of person you thought he could $e, and
more importantly the kind of person you thought he should $e. If
you could change him to $e more like you, life could $e more
harmonious and happy for $oth of you, 1 or so you thought.
(o give you some insight into how you were attempting to
change your partner, I 5olomon will tell you a storyH
2-=
When you first formed a relationship with your partner,
you $oth wore similar shoes. (he same $rand, colour, and make.
*ecause you had something in common, you were $oth attracted to
each other. (he only thing that was different was the siEe of the
shoes, and the feet that were in the shoes, you $oth had similar
$ehaviour patterns, attitudes, and similar $elief systems%. +ou were
not totally at ease with your shoes the first day you tried them on,
you were not totally comforta$le with your own $ehaviour or the
$ehaviour of your partner on your first date%. +ou felt there could
$e something $etter, more suita$le for you somewhere !out there,#
1 someone you could $e more compati$le with%. *ut since there
were no other o$vious or ma/or choices availa$le at the time, you
decided to $uy them and hold on to them, hold on to old $elief
systems, old ways of $eing and hold on to this person%.
&s time progressed you found your own shoes were less
and less compati$le with your feet, your own $ehaviours and
$elief systems were less and less accepta$le to you, and those
around you%.
&s your awareness changed you made a decision to let go
of these shoes and not to purchase this $rand or make of shoes
again, you made a decision to change your $elief systems and
discontinue with the $ehaviours that were affecting yourself and
others.
,ver a period of time you $ecame aware that there were
other shoes availa$le to you, different $rands, makes, and colours,
a new and healthier way of $eing, a new awareness, new $elief
systems%.
+ou decide to purchase a pair of these new shoes. +ou are
a$solutely delighted with them, delighted with this new you%. +ou
tell every$ody a$out these new shoes, this new awareness%, and
how they too can ac'uire a pair for themselves if they wish. +ou
tell them, where they can also go to get help, to sort out their
pro$lems, and change their way of $eing%.
2-?
What a$out your partner? "e is still wearing the original
shoes, which are the same make as the ones you used to own. "e
is still $ehaving as he has always done, aggressive, a$usive,
manipulative and arrogant%. "e is 'uite happy and content in his
shoes, and sees no reason to change them. "e sees nothing wrong
with his $ehaviour or his $elief systems%.
,ne day you decide, it is time for him to change his shoes,
you decide it is time for him to change his ways, and change his
$ehaviour%.
What did you do?
.id you march up to your partner with your new
realisation, and say to him, !(ake off those shoes, they are no
longer appropriate, change your $ehaviour%. +ou can0t wear those
shoes anymore, they are not healthy for your feet, you can0t live as
you have $een living anymore%. Change to a different pair of shoes,
change your way of living, and $ecome a different person%. (hose
shoes will damage your feet, you and your $ehaviour will damage
your health%. +ou must $uy a new pair like the ones I have /ust
$ought, you must change your ways, have a new awareness, 1*>
AIC> 8>%?#
What you are implying here is that the way your partner is
living his life is wrong, and that the way you are now living your
life is right.
Why should he change his shoes, his ways% /ust
$ecause you say so, or $ecause you found change and
awareness a /oyful and happy experience?
+ou may $e trying to prevent him from getting hurt, and
delayed on his /ourney, 1 $ut his feet are not your feet. His /ourney
is not your /ourney.
+our partner may now $e looking at you in utter
amaEement at what you are suggesting. "e may $e 'uite
comforta$le in those shoes, or he may $e o$livious to any pain, or
22@
he may have $locked out and covered up the pain over the years,
with plasters and painkillers. ;lastered over his pain%.
Femem$er, originally you $oth wore similar shoes, the
same $rand and make, originally you were compati$le with
similar $eliefs and conditioning%. *ut those shoes were on different
feet, your partner0s experiences and learnings were totally
different from yours%.
+our partner may $e working with the only reality he
knows. If his reality is pain and discomfort, he will seek and find
pain and discomfort. If his reality is a$use he will $e attracted
towards people who are a$usive towards him. "e may $e working
with many different realities, without you $eing aware of it (he
shoes he is wearing could $e the same make as the shoes that you
once owned, $ut the feet in them are not the same as your feet.
>veryone0s reaction to the same or similar situations or
events is totally different. +our perception and awareness a$out
particular events or possi$ilities apply only to you. +ou can share
your experience, $ut don0t expect someone else to change $ecause
of your experiences.
(his person may have $locked their pain to such a degree
that as far as they are concerned the pain does not exist. It may not
$e the time for them to heal and deal with their issues or wounds.
(hey may not deal with these issues in this lifetime.
Who are you to decide, to what degree or speed someone
should change or recover? "ow would you like to $e forced to heal
faster than you are a$le, in order to satisfy someone else0s needs or
$elief system?#
!8ary, if you want a life of running, skipping, and
/umping, a partner with a $roken leg may not $e compati$le with
you. If you want to experience the /oys and excitement of life, a
partner who is crippled with pain whether this is physical,
emotional or mental%, may not $e a suita$le partner for you either.
+ou cannot force someone to live or see life as you do.#
22)
!+ou may need to learn to let go of this person.
&llow them to $e, and stay where they are at.
&llow them their own learnings.
(hey will $e more compati$le with a like3minded soul.
&llow them to move at the pace $est suited to them.
7ive yourself permission to have freedom.Dreedom for
you is not necessarily freedom for someone else.
(here was a time when conditioning was all you knew.
+ou only knew one way of $eing%. +ou can $ring awareness to
someone of what you know, $ut you cannot force him or her to
change to facilitate your $elief systems or your new awareness.
7ive yourself permission to move on with your life and
your new awareness. &llow yourself to see and en/oy the new
pastures and green fields that are availa$le to you.
+ou will meet like3minded souls in a world of freedom,
where you don0t need to force or control.#
Are you trying to force or encourage someone else to
change because of your e.periences?
O5olomon
22-
/ntrusions :n -our 4ind
(;@)
#ntrusions 'n )our 8ind

Are your thoughts constantly !reoccu!ied with a
!articular !erson& e%ent& or issue?
Are these thoughts dri%ing your mind and body into a state
of e(haustion?
&re you in a constant state of anxiety, $ecause your mind
is totally preoccupied $y a particular person and what they have
done, have not done, or may do? Is your mind constantly asking
when, where, how, why, will he, will she, if, if he, if she, etc. etc?
What happens if your every waking moment is
preoccupied with thoughts of this person? (his person could $e in
spirit or still living%.
(his could $e a person whom you once loved, or who once
loved you. +ou may still love or care a$out this person. (he
relationship you had with this person may $e over for some time,
and they have moved on with their lives and entered a new
relationship.
+our thoughts could now $e a$out how this person has
hurt you, a$used you, angered, shamed, or annoyed you, $roken
your $oundaries, $roken your trust, manipulated or controlled you,
re/ected or a$andoned you. +ou may also have played a part in
these $ehaviours with this person.
&re you allowing thoughts a$out this person to control
your daily life, your every waking and sleeping moments? &re you
allowing them to occupy your thoughts as you go a$out your day?
&re they occupying your thoughts when you eat, when you work,
when you socialise, when you exercise, when you relax, $ut most
222
of all when you try to sleep? .o you spend endless hours talking to
other people a$out this person?
>ven as you sleep, are you dreaming a$out this person?
"ave hours, days, months, and sometimes years passed $y,
practically unnoticed $y you, $ecause you are so preoccupied $y
this person? Is your life on hold or passing you $y, $ecause of your
preoccupation with this person? &re you allowing them and their
$ehaviour to control your entire life?
&re a lot of those thought patterns going around and
around in your head? !If only he/she, if only they did, said?# !If
only they did not do that?# !.id they ever really love me?# !Who
are they with now?# !Will they phone me today?# !If I had done
what they wanted, would they have stayed with me?# !Will they
come $ack?# !5hould I ring them?# !"ow do they feel a$out me
now?# !What has this other person who they are with now% got, 1
that I don0t?# In the physical sense, every time your phone rings,
does your heart Rmiss a $eat0? >very time you see a car that
resem$les the same make or colour as theirs, 1 do you gaEe intently
at the driver, hoping to see if it is him/her?
3ow many more incidences bring back memories, (not
necessarily all good memories), of the time you spent with this
person? (&he only way to decrease or release an.iety is to take
action).
It may $e time for you (, 5(,;M 1 5(,; entertaining this
person in your head, and 5(,; them occupying your mind to the
point, where there is no room for thoughts a$out anyone or
anything else. +ou need to create limits on the time you allow this
person to occupy your life, otherwise you will $ecome totally
exhausted and may possi$ly $ecome 'uite ill.
&t this stage you may not only $e allowing this person to
affect your life, $ut you may $e allowing them to control it as well.
In the physical world, imagine if every morning when you
got out of $ed, you found this person sitting at your $reakfast ta$le.
226
&s you sit into the car/$us to get to work he/she is there sitting
$eside you. &s you go through your daily work he/she is standing
or sitting $eside you all day. &s you travel home from work or
elsewhere, he/she is there $eside you again. &s you sit watching
your favourite (G programme he/she is sitting there, interrupting,
distracting, and chattering away in your ear. When you get into $ed
at night, he/she is also there. &s you try to sleep he/she keeps
chattering away to you.
"ow long would you allow this $ehaviour to continue? Is
there a point when you would tell them to go, and leave your
space, leave you in peace, and wait until they are invited to /oin
you? Who is allowing them to $om$ard your mental space with
their presence? 1 +,I &F>M
&t some point earlier on in this scenario, you may have felt
this invasion of your space was (,, 8IC"M *ut, you allowed it
to continue, 1 until now, when it has $ecome almost un$eara$le.
"ow do you stop your mind from entertaining this person?
.o you want to stop? Is it ha$it or is it an ina$ility to !let go,# that
allows you to continue doing what it is you are doing? &sk
yourself, !Is it healthy for you, $ody, mind, and spirit, to allow this
$ehaviour to continue?
+,I C&4 5(,; +,IF 8I4. from entertaining this
person. It is your mind, and your $ody. ,nly you can decide where,
when, and how, you can stop this intrusion on your mind space.
#f you want to stop this intrusion, you could try this
e.ercise.
(he next time you find yourself thinking a$out this person,
take a deep $reath, and as you exhale say, !5(,;M 1 (his is as far
as you trespass on my space today. I am not entertaining any
thoughts of you today.# !I close the door on any thoughts of you.#
Imagine yourself closing a door and this person remaining on the
other side of it%.
229
Dive minutes later this person may $e $ack in your
thoughts again, 1 !"ow did he/she get in?# .id you leave the door
unlocked, or slightly a/ar%?
(he next time when you $ecome aware that you are
entertaining this person in your head%, repeat the first exercise, $ut
this time, 1 A,CC ("> .,,FM
+ou may find that this works for a while, $ut the thoughts
keep $anging and $anging away in your head, he/she is $anging
away at the door%.
+ou may $e $ack in control of your head space again for a
while, $ut their insistence on getting in, may eventually $egin to
wear you down. &sk yourself, ! What can you do now?#
(he struggle to keep this person out can $e 'uite
exhausting initially. While continuing to keep control of your own
space, you can at this point in time if you so wish% allocate them
some time and space of your own choosing. +ou can say, !I will
allow you half an hour this evening, $etween seven and seven
thirty, or whatever time you yourself choose, day or night%, and
once this time is up, 1 you are out.# !I will then decide, if and
when I might entertain you again.#
>ach time he/she enters your head $efore the time you
have allocated them say, !5orry, I am not entertaining you until the
prearranged time.#
(ry not to allow your defences to fail you. +ou will find
that this exercise will eventually free you up for the entire day and
night, $ecause you are $ack in control of your own time and space.
,nce the prearranged time has arrived, you need to honour
your commitmentH
5et your clock for the half hour or whatever time you have
allowed.
Aight a candle.
22:
5it down as if you were preparing for a guest to arrive.
5ee this person arriving for the visit.
(ry to avoid getting into their space i.e. imagining what
they have $een doing since you parted, or how they are
feeling a$out you at this moment in time%.
(ry to stay in your own space with your own feelings.
&llow every thought, feeling and emotion associated with
this person to surface and come to the fore.
7ive yourself permission to have these feelings.
5ay out loud or to yourself how you are feeling at the
moment.
&llow yourself to feel whatever feelings you have, in
relation to what has happened.
&llow yourself to cry and get in touch with your emotions
and feelings.
(ry not to $lame, 1 $laming insinuates the other person is
doing or has done something wrong. *laming can render
you powerless. +ou are powerless over what this person
has or has not done, $ut you are never powerless over
yourself.
(ry not to get caught up in !ifs.# 1 !If he/she did.# !If I
did.# !What if?#
(ry not to take their issues on $oard. (ry not to make
excuses for your $ehaviour or theirs, what has happened,
has happened, there are no !ifs.#
(ry and separate the person from the $ehaviour. +ou are
not a $ad person. "e/she may not $e a $ad person either. 1
It may $e their beha%iour that you have difficulty dealing
and coming to terms with.
22<
Immediately when the allocated time is up, 1 stand up and
say, !+our time is up, 1 +ou must go nowM# !I will allocate a time
in the future, when and if it is convenient for me to entertain you
again. *ut until that time, this is my space, my time, and I will not
waste endless hours, engaging in useless mind games with you or
any$ody else.
+our time and space has $ecome your own once again.
+ou now have the time and space to engage in healthy, happy, and
productive thoughts and $ehaviours.
+ou may find it necessary to repeat these exercises on a
regular $asis, or until you reach a stage when weeks, and even
months will have passed $efore thoughts of this person will enter
your mind.
Affirmation
I am in control of my own $ody, mind and spirit.
I will not allow anyone to control my $ody, mind, or spirit.
22=
$e!ression / Ha!!iness
(?A)
Depression L 3appiness

Depression is a feeling of helplessness and hopelessness.
-ou are hel!less and ho!eless o%er e%eryone and
e%erything but you are ne%er hel!less or ho!eless o%er yourself.
'%en in the darkest moment& there is light.
(oday ask yourself, what do you really want out of life?
What gives you the most happiness in life?
.o you en/oy the work you do?
.o you en/oy your place of employment?
.o you en/oy the people you work with?
.o you feel you would $e happier in some other
occupation or in different working conditions with different people
who you could $etter relate to?
.o you prefer to work outside or inside?
What allows you to continue working and living as you are
doing, if you are not happy? Is it conditioning perhaps that says,
!.on0t move.# !.on0t change.# !.on0t rock the $oat?# Is it the
insecurity that you may not get as good a /o$, with as good a wage
again?
&re you working inside a $uilding, looking at $lank walls,
with artificial lighting, with people who themselves are feeling dull
and depressed? &re you sitting down most of the day when you
would prefer to $e active?
22?
Would you prefer a /o$ outside in the fresh air and
sunshine, en/oying the country views and scenery, and the sounds
of nature? &re you a child of nature and are out of harmony when
you are inside concrete $uildings? It may not $e feasi$le for you to
leave or change your /o$ at the moment, 1 $ut you could use the
money and resources availa$le to you, from the work you are
doing, to make life more en/oya$le and happy. +ou could take up a
sport or activity, which allows you to $e outside in the fresh air.
+ou could start a weekend or evening course that allows
you to $e outside i.e. gardening, $ee keeping, sailing, fishing,
coaching outdoor sports, which long3term you could turn into a
profita$le full3time $usiness. *y doing this, you are seeing the /o$
you are in as a means and source of providing you with what you
really want and en/oy. +ou can negate any negativity you are
feeling around your present /o$, $y seeing the rewards you are
reaping as a result of this /o$.
+ou also could $e the person who would prefer to $e using
your skills and creating your dreams inside rather than outside.
+ou could $e a great musician and singer and would love to record
your own al$um of songs, $ut currently find yourself making your
living as a carpenter. +ou may not like working outside in the cold
and wet, and have no interest in nature whatsoever.
+ou can still use this employment to fulfil your dreams. It
may not $e financially via$le to suddenly 'uit your full3time /o$,
$ut you could use some of your money, to have your voice
professionally trained, and then may$e decide to record your own
al$um. 5omeone somewhere may hear your songs and offer you a
recording deal, which may give you the opportunity to work in the
music $usiness fulltime.
+ou could $e a housewife whose children have now grown
up and moved on with their own lives. (his could $e your time to
fulfil that dream you have always had, 9 to write your own $ook or
play, or to work in the pu$lishing industry, media, radio or
television?
26@
$e!ression / Ha!!iness
&re you a commercial traveller, $uilding up a $usiness for
your employer, travelling many hundreds of miles each week, and
dreaming a$out starting your own $usiness? 1 If you can do it for
someone else, you can do it for yourself.
&re you in a dead3end /o$ with no future prospects or
opportunities for advancement? &re you feeling depressed and
$ogged down? +ou could use some of the money from this /o$ to
train for a /o$ you would really like. (here is a /o$ waiting for you,
which you would en/oy. It would give you everything you dream
a$out, with steady employment, lots of opportunities for
advancement and progression on a ladder of success.
&here are many opportunities waiting for you to create
your ultimate dream.
+ou must first of all $elieve this and $elieve in yourself.
>veryone has an opportunity to $e a success. 5uccess is not all
a$out the money you make. It0s a$out how you en/oy making it
and en/oy spending it, $ut most importantly how you en/oy life and
living.
What do you want out of life? What would you en/oy?
.ream it. (hink a$out it. Write it down. .escri$e it in every detail
in a written plan of action. What is it you would prefer to $e doing
with your life? Dind out today who is doing what you would like to
$e doing. "ow did they get started? 8ake some phone calls. Write
some letters to assimilate all the necessary information you will
need, to apply for this type of work. +ou may need to attend some
courses. Contact career guidance officers. Contact schools for
adult education classes. Aook up directories. &sk your friends or
relations for advice, or what contacts they might have in your area
of interest.
(here are opportunities waiting for you and for everyone,
$ut you will only find them when you decide what it is you want to
do and then go searching. Dollow up on all the leads and directions
you get, no matter from where or from whom. ,nce you make the
26)
decision to move from what you are doing right now, to what you
would prefer to $e doing in the future, 1 that is the first and most
important step. 4ext plan it out, draw it out on paper, create a
$lueprint, see it in your mind0s eye, and start researching straight
away.
6e awake, be grounded and be aware of e"ery thing
you see, hear, and do.
*e ready when the postman calls, if you are not there to
receive the letter, that message of direction% the first or second
time he calls, he may not call again for some time. (his means if
you are not ready and waiting, after you have asked for a sign or
direction from your guides, angels, or 7od, and the information
you have re'uested is delivered, it may $e some time $efore this
message will $e sent to you again. +ou can receive this message
via a sign you notice along the road. It could $e a newspaper
heading, article, or advertisement. It could come as information via
your radio or television. It might come as a leaflet someone gives
you or drops through your letter$ox. ,r, someone might /ust say
something to you that will set your mind thinking. Aife knocks on
your door with opportunities many times a day. *e ready and
waiting when opportunity knocks.
What is meant for you in this lifetime will not pass you $y.
(he chance you have $een waiting for may come like a $olt of
lightening !out of the $lue.# &nd you will $e amaEed at how easy it
was when you look $ack afterwards, as you are en/oying your
newfound success and happiness.
+ou can make the first move. +ou can knock on the door of life
and announce that you want a change in your life, whatever that
change might $e.
26-
$i%ining Chart /nstructions
Instructions on using the divination chart at
the $ack of this $ook
;lace the chart that is enclosed at the $ack of the $ook flat
upon a ta$le, or alternatively, you can make a photocopy of the
chart and if you wish, enlarge it for your own convenience.
Close your eyes, and slowly take a few deep $reaths.
&llow yourself to relax. Connect with your inner3self and the
.ivine Fealm. +ou may $e using the chart to ask for general
guidance or you may have a particular 'uestion in mind. If you
have a particular 'uestion, then focus your mind on that 'uestion.
(here may $e one relevant 'uestion for you today. +ou
may $e at a crossroads with regard to some decision you are trying
to make or a 'uestion you would like answered.
(here are eighty randomly num$ered s'uares. >ach
num$er represents a specific story in the $ook. +ou can use a small
coin or some small o$/ect of your choosing. (he smaller it is the
$etter, so that you can identify more accurately which of the
num$ers it seems to favour when it lands. If it falls outside the
chart, simply drop it again until it lands within the outline of the
chart. "old the o$/ect a$out -@ centimeters a$ove the center of the
chart, close your eyes, and drop the o$/ect onto the chart. If it lands
e'ually $etween two s'uares, this means that you must read the
two relevant stories to more fully understand the answer to your
'uestion. If it drops on a corner $etween four s'uares, and you are
unsure which num$er to pick, you can pick the num$er which is
closest to the dropped o$/ect, or the num$er you feel is most
relevant to you, or start the process once again.
When you drop the coin or small o$/ect onto the chart it
will disclose which one of the eighty stories pertain to your
'uestion or concern. &s you read the relevant story, ask your
262
guides, angels, or 7od to provide you with the inspiration
necessary to understand the wisdom of the message for you.
It may $e necessary for you to read the story a num$er of
times in order to fully comprehend its inner meanings, or you may
only need /ust one line from one passage to inform or inspire you.
(he chart can $e used as a tool for self3reflection and the
chapters, stories, and channeled words of wisdom can $e used to
help you accept your daily struggles, as spiritual challenges, and
learnings. +ou can gain a new awareness of ways to meet life0s
challenges, with $etter insights and understandings. (his can help
you to resolve pro$lems, develop inner3trust and self3$elief. (his
will allow you to choose new and exciting directions and help you
to have more of an understanding of what is happening for you in
your life.
+ou can also use this chart in other ways. Close your eyes,
and turn the chart around and around a num$er of times until you
are not sure which way it is faced. &s you hold the 'uestion in your
mind, ask your guides, angels, 7od for guidance. ;lace one finger
on the chart and make a num$er of circles with your finger on the
chart. When you feel ready, select a position on the chart with your
finger. ,pen your eyes and read the num$er upon which your
finger has rested. (hat is the num$er of the story to which you have
$een directed to read.
+ou can use a pendulum to dowse over the chart. &gain,
close your eyesB focus on the 'uestion or issue. &sk for guidance
from the higher $eings to $e directed to the answers, which are for
your greater good at this point in time. When you are relaxed and
ready, open your eyes, allow the pendulum to move and dowse.
;lace your finger on each num$er, one at a time, as you dowse
with the pendulum. If the answer to your 'uestion is yes, read that
story, if the answer is no, move on to the next num$er and so on.
+ou can also use the pendulum to give you a Ryes0 or a Rno,0 as you
move your finger down the index, at the front of the $ook%, whilst
keeping the 'uestion in your mind, ask the 'uestionB !Is this story
266
$i%ining Chart /nstructions
applica$le to me at this point in time?# 5tart with story one. If you
get a !no,# then move on to story two and ask the 'uestion again. If
you get a !no,# move on to three and four and so on, until you get a
!yes.# (his is the story most relevant for you at this point in time.
+ou could also photocopy the divination chart, or cut out
eighty e'ual s'uares of paper or card$oard and write the num$ers
on them )3=@. (hen face the num$ers face downwards. (urn them
around and mix them up. (hen with your eyes closed ask the
divine power, 7od, or your higher conscience to direct you to pick
the num$er most relevant to you today.
If you do not have a particular 'uestion in your mind, and
would like general guidance in your life, ask your 7od, guide,
angels, or whoever you may $elieve in, that you may $e directed to
pick the story that is applica$le to you and your life at this point in
time.
If you have not used a pendulum $eforeB there are many
interesting and informative $ooks availa$le, including !(he
;endulum *ook,# $y Kack >. Chandu. !;endulum ;ower,# $y 7reg
4eilsen and Koseph ;olansky. !;endulum# $y Drancis "itching.
!&nyone Can .owse Dor *etter "ealth,# $y &rthur *aeiley. &nd
!.ivining (he Duture,# $y Aaura 5cott and 8ary Cay Ainge.
Awaken that golden nugget within, the real )ou which
is glowing brightly waiting to be disco"ered.
269
26:
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*e +our ,wn
26<
(herapist
Dind the
Cause &nd Cure
*ody * 8ind * 5pirit
;atricia "esnan
,isin ;u$lishing
,isin "ealing Centre
Cillare, *allinea, 8ullingar, Co. Westmeath. Ireland
(elephone @663?29:6?9
We$siteH www.heal.ie
>mailH oisincentreSgmail.com
26=
Dirst pu$lished Kune -@@9
Copyright P ,isin ;u$lishing / ;."esnan / K..onohoe.
&ll rights reserved. 4o portion of this pu$lication may
$e reproduced in any manner without the written
permission of the pu$lisher.
I5*4H/////////////////////////////////////////////////
;re3productionH (opic 4ewspapers Aimited, 8ullingar,
Co. Westmeath, Ireland.
;rinted $yH Colour*ooks Aimited, )@9, *aldoyle
Industrial >state, *aldoyle, .u$lin )2, Ireland.
Cover design, editing and layoutH Kohn .onohoe
Cover ;hotographH 5eamus Celly.
26?
-.cerpts
&re you feeling that your !get up and go# is gone?
.o you feel tired and drained? It may $e time to
check and find the cause of your pro$lem.
.o you feel you have lost control of your own
destiny?
.o you feel there are times you look $eautiful on the
outside $ut are crum$ling apart on the inside?
.o you feel your life is out of control?
.o you live in the moment or are you exhausted,
regretting the past, worrying a$out the future, while
the present moment passes you $y?
.o you feel a sense of panic today?
&re you peddling through life not knowing where
you are at, or where you are going?
.o you feel you are moving too fast?
"ave you $een pushing yourself $eyond your limits?
"ave you $een pushing others $eyond their limits?
&re you playing mind games with someone? Is there
someone playing mind games with you?
.o you have difficulty forgiving yourself for some
misdeed?
29@
'(cer!ts
&re you $attering away, criticising, condemning,
re/ecting, analysing, $laming and pushing yourselfB
$elieving it will help you on your spiritual /ourney?
&re you and your partner $oth dancing to the same
tune or are you dancing alone on the dance floor of
life?
&re you compati$le with your partner?
.o you choose to $elieve that your $ehaviour has no
$earing on what is happening around you?
Can you remem$er when you last felt connected to
your partner?
.o you have a tendency to get involved in other
people0s pro$lems?
+ou yourself are not wrong when the things you do,
do not come up to your expectations or the
expectations of others.
+ou can help your fellow men, $ut you are not
responsi$le for anyone $ut yourself.
29)
Contents
TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
;age
>xcerptsOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO 26?
&cknowledgmentsOOOOOOOOOOOOO 296
IntroductionOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO 9<2
5tory )% ControlOOOOOOOOOOOOO )
5tory -% (he .ance ,f AifeOOOOOOOOOO ):
5tory 2% (he ;layOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO..-)
5tory 6% >xpectations &nd AimitationsOOOO.OO -9
5tory 9% (he *ucketOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. 26
5tory :% Compati$ilityOOOOOOOOOOOOO..2=
5tory <% (he FaceOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO..69
5tory =% .enialOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...6?
5tory ?% (he 5hoesOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.99
5tory )@% >na$lingOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...:@
5tory ))% (he (hiefOOOOOOOOOOOO.OOO.::
5tory )-% *locking (he WayOOOOOOOOOOO...<2
5tory )2% (he CakeOOOOOOOOOOOO.OOO.<<
5tory )6% Aiving In (he 8omentOOOOOOOOOO.=@
5tory )9% (he *utterflyOOOOOOOOOOOOOO=6
5tory ):% ;anic &ttacksOOOOOOOOOOOOO...=<
5tory )<% (he *icycleOOOOOOOOOOOOOO..?)
5tory )=% & 5piritual KourneyOOOOOOOOOOO..?:
5tory )?% (he 7olden 4uggetOOOOOOOOOOO)@2
5tory -@% ImpatienceOOOOOOOOOOO.OOO.)@9
5tory -)% (he (oyOOOOOOOOOOOO.OOO.)@=
5tory --% ,verwhelmOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.))9
5tory -2% (he CarOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...)-@
5tory -6% 8inimisingOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.)-2
5tory -9% (he Doot$all 7ameOOOOOOOOOOO)-:
5tory -:% Inner DorgivenessOOOOOOOOOOO...)2@
5tory -<% (he "u$ ,f (he WheelOOOOOO.OOO.)29
29-
Contents
5tory -=% *lameOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.)2?
5tory -?% (he 5pringOOOOOOOOOOOOOO..)6@
5tory 2@% ;ainOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO)66
5tory 2)% (he KourneyOOOOOOOOOOOOOO)6<
5tory 2-% .umping Fu$$ishOOO..OOOOOOOO)9@
5tory 22% (he Walls ,f +our "ouseOOOOOOOO.)92
5tory 26% "oardingOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO)9?
5tory 29% (he 7ardenOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.):)
5tory 2:% & "asty .ecisionOOOOOOOOOOO...):6
5tory 2<% & Goid In +our AifeOOOOOO.OOOO.):9
5tory 2=% &ccepting +ouOOOOOOOOOOOO...):?
5tory 2?% I &m 8e OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO)<2
5tory 6@% (he *ird In (he CageOOOOOOOOOO)<9
5tory 6)% Aife In (he Dast AaneOOOOOOOOOO.)<=
5tory 6-% (he 7reat ,ak &nd 5mall ,akOOOOOO.)=2
5tory 62% "ow Can (hey AearnOOOOOOOOOO.)==
5tory 66% (he Dlower$edOOOOOOOOOOOO...)?)
5tory 69% 7ut DeelingsOOOOOOOOOOOOO..)?9
5tory 6:% (he >arth Is +our 8otherOOOOOOOO.)?<
5tory 6<% Dorgiveness ,f +our Inner ChildOOOOO..-@)
5tory 6=% (he WellOOOOOOOO.OOOOOOO-@6
5tory 6?% Fesponsi$ilityOOOOOOOOOOOOO-@=
5tory 9@% .on0t *e Dooled *y 8eOOOOO.OOOO-)@
5tory 9)% (he ,nly Feality We CnowOOOOOOO..-)-
5tory 9-% & *oulder ,n +our ;athOOOOOOOOO--@
5tory 92% (he KailOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...--6
5tory 96% .o +ou Deel AostOOOOOOOOOOO..-22
5tory 99% ;otholesOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO..-2=
5tory 9:% .on0t "it (he *all *ackOOOOOOOOO-6)
5tory 9<% (ypes ,f DearOOOOOOOOOOOOO-66
5tory 9=% &cting ,n &ssumptions OOOOOOOOO-6:
5tory 9?% &llowing Dree WillOOOOOOOOOOO-6?
5tory :@% "ow We AoseOOOOOOOOOOOOO-92
5tory :)% (respassingOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-9<
5tory :-% What +ou .on0t 4eedOOOOOOOOO...-:2
5tory :2% Dear ,f Aetting 7oOOOOOOOOOOO.-:6
292
5tory :6% ,ld "urtsOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-::
5tory :9% Confusing 8essagesOOOOOOOOOO..-:?
5tory ::% 4egative &nd ;ositiveOOOOOOOOO.-<:
5tory :<% 7etting It WrongOOOOOOOOOOO..-<<
5tory :=% *oundariesOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-=)
5tory :?% (he (rainOOOOOOOOOOOOOO..-?2
5tory <@% (he 5u$conscious 8indOOOOOOOO...-?=
5tory <)% Aighting & CandleOOOOOOOOOOO2@@
5tory <-% &warenessOOOOOOOOOOOOOO2@-
5tory <2% & "ealerOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...2@6
5tory <6% FipplesOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.2@<
5tory <9% .istractionsOOOOOOOOOOOOO..2@=
5tory <:% Fight and WrongOOOOOOOOOOO.2)9
5tory <<% CarmaOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO..2):
5tory <=% 5olomon0s Feply (o 8aryOOOOOOO..2)?
5tory <?% Intrusions ,n (he 8indOOOOOOOO..2--
5tory =@% .epression / "appinessOOOOOOOOO22=
.ivination chart instructionsOOOOOOOOOOOOO..
.ivination chartOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO..
296
$edications
Acknowledgments
(o the many people $oth here and in spirit I dedicate
this $ook.
(o the person who inspired and started me on my
/ourney in writing, 5olomon my guide, I thank you for your
wisdom, direction, and stories without you there would $e no
stories and there would $e no $ook. I thank my 7od, my
spirit guides, angels, and Kesus for helping and guiding me in
so many ways throughout my entire life.
(o my hus$and Kohn, my friend and soulmate. I thank
him for the endless hours of support, love and
encouragement. I thank him for his perseverance each and
every time I was on the point of giving up. When I would
travel one mile on this /ourney, he would travel five miles to
encourage and help me. Dor the exhausting hours and days he
spent editing and designing this $ook I thank him. Without
him these stories would never have $ecome a $ook.
(o my children, 8andy, Diona and .avid who have
$een such a /oy and support to me, especially in times of
sadness and loss. When life failed to have much meaning for
me, and in times of darkness and despair, you were always
there. +ou picked me up and encouraged me. +ou made my
life worth living with your love and enthusiasm for life. +ou
are three wonderful people, special gifts from heaven. I thank
you.
(o my mother I thank you. +ou have $een there for
me all through my years of ups and downs. (hank you for
$eing there.
(o my father, now in spirit, I thank you for your
unending support, love and guidance.
(o .onal, who risked his own life, $y returning into a
$urning inferno to save my life and the lives of others. (he
greatest gift a man can offer his fellow man is the gift of life.
I thank you .onal for the wonderful gift of life.
299
(o Kac'ueline Deely, my friend and colleague. I thank
you for your encouragement and support, especially through
some of the most difficult years of my life. (hank you for
$eing there.
(o those who helped and sometimes provided a much
needed place of solace, for the writing of this $ookB especially
*a$s now in spirit%, 8ary, ;at, Futh and 5imone. & special
thanks to &nn 7eoghegan and daughters 8ary and Fose for
the many years of help and support. (o the many others who
are part of my life. 8y sisters and $rothers, Kean, *etty,
*reda, ;at, Kohnny, 7eorge, Kames, 7errard, &nn, Fita and
7ay$riel, and all their respective spouses and partners.
(o the many friends I have met and who shared my
/ourney of tears and laughterH "elen and ;at &. Gera and
Charlie 8. "elen and Kim ,0". Carmel now in spirit%. Cora
now in spirit% and 5ean. 8artina now in spirit% and 7er ".
&nn and .anny C. and family. .ermot now in spirit%.
Kohnny *. Cevin ,0C.now in spirit%. .elores ,0C. Caroline
4. Kohn 8. 8oyra, and 8ick. *ar$ara and Christy. "elen and
Drank ,. Fo$ert ,. Kimmy C. K.K. and .elia C. 5ean D. .avey
". 8aureen and Kimmy D. &lice ". *en ". Koy K. 8ick *.
8ike and Fia 4. 8ary and >amonn ". 8aura and (erry D.
(eresa and (om (. *reda and ;at ". and family. (o the many
other people who have shared their /ourney with me, and
allowed me to share my /ourney with them, in nursing,
$usiness and sport, I thank you.
& most special word of thanks to the many clients
who have placed their trust in me and $elieved in me over
many years. Without you, your experiences and your support,
this $ook would not have $een complete. +ou allowed me to
$e part of your /ourney of pain and tears, sadness and
laughter, for all of this I will $e eternally grateful. (hanks
also to .arina W. &ine ,0.. 8andy C. &nne ". &nthony D.
&ntonette (. 8ary 7. &nn A. Kody 7. 8a/ella 8. (ommy C.
and >mmy ,0 C. for their professional skills, comments,
advice, and help in the production of this $ook.
29:
/ntroduction
#ntroduction
Aife has a strange way of throwing us into unanticipated
situations which can act as catalysts for profound change in our
view of the world, our relationships and our place in the universe.
,ne dramatic and shocking event can catapult us into a new world3
view, where nothing around us ever appears the same again.
5ometimes this transformation can happen in one $rief moment
and represent a 'uantum leap in terms of personal development. In
others it can evolve a period of rapid change, of emerging 1 a
chrysalis phase 1 during which the 'uality and characteristics of
our personal relationships may fundamentally change forever.
5uch a life3 changing event occurred in my life in
4ovem$er )?=? when I found myself trapped in a $laEing $uilding
and conse'uently had, what is generally known as a near3death
experience. (his was to trigger a period of intense transformation
and growth in my life. I remem$er the paralysing feelings of fear
and terror as the room in which I stood filled with smoke. I was
fully aware of the fact that I was inhaling smoke and could feel my
lungs expand and my $ody swell.
(he voice of some distant nurse3tutor recited the text$ook
implications for the $ody of inhaling smokeB yet, I failed to
o$serve what I knew to $e a cardinal rule, of staying low where
more oxygen would $e availa$le. DroEen $y the terrifying
realisation that the flames would soon engulf my $ody, I passed
out of consciousness. I later woke up to find myself outside a
$urning $uilding, in severe shock and suffering from smoke
inhalation. (he remainder of what happened prior to $eing
hospitalised is mostly a haEe.
When I was discharged from hospital, I returned to the
home and family I had left a few days earlier and for the first time
ever, 1 I truly saw. I walked around my house as if seeing it for the
first time. I remem$er staring at a particular picture, which had
29<
$een hanging on the same wall for the previous twenty years
realising that I had never actually noticed it0s details $efore.
"ouse3$ound $y my in/uries and poor health I would walk
from room to room in awe of the smells, sounds and other details I
had never truly registered $efore. It took a num$er of days for that
intensity of consciousness to slip somewhat, $ut $y that time I had
gained valua$le insight into my relationships, my conditioning, and
the various issues in my life.
,ver the months that followed I suffered from incredi$le
nightmares. (he psychic a$ilities, which I had as a young child had
$een reawakened, and I found their return overwhelming. In my
dreams I $egan to have premonitions of future events. I understood
that I was channeling and would go into deep trances, which could
last for hours. I found this exhausting and sometimes frightening.
"owever over time, I learned to communicate with my spirit
guides. I have now learned to channel in a more controlled and
comprehensive manner.
I see channeling as $eing like having a direct line of
communication to the spirit world. If you consider this line of
communication in terms of a pipeline, it is generally perceived that
as children this pipeline is clear, $ut as we grow towards adulthood
it $ecomes clogged with stones. (he accident had somehow cleared
my line to the spirit world in a very sudden and dramatic way.
,ver the period, which followed the accident, I found my
whole life turned up3side3down. I had spent years nursing full3time
and running different $usinesses and a home. I had also $een a
very energetic sporty person. I now found myself in poor health
and crippled $y fear. I had worked in $oth general and psychiatric
nursing so conse'uently turned to conventional medicine for help.
I attended numerous doctors and went into therapy, $ut months
later I was still at a point where I could not enter a $uilding without
first checking the fire3exits. I was claustropho$ic and felt my life
was controlled $y fears.
29=
/ntroduction
Dortunately, I was eventually directed to a woman who had
trained in a form of physio3emotional release therapy. (his therapy
served to not only relieve the intensity of my fears, $ut $ecame my
introduction to alternative therapies.
&s I was discovering new worlds, my life was crashing
around me. 8y marriage disintegrated and I lost $oth my $usiness
and my home. 8y struggle was difficult and over this period I had
to deal with many of the underlying issues in my life. I started to
explore the world of alternative medicines and therapies, and
discovered a role for my psychic a$ilities and my experience in
psychiatric nursing. 5ince that time I have worked and trained in
many areas of alternative medicine. I trained in counseling skills,
various forms of energy therapies and cranio3sacral realignment.
I have also learned a lot from my own personal life
experiences, and this learning has given me a great capacity to
empathise with the clients I meet, a capacity which I might not
have maximised, had I not $een caught in that fire accident.
&t this point in my life I have reached a great peace. I live
and work with my second hus$and, Kohn at the ,isin Centre of
4atural 8edicine. &lthough painful, my /ourney of discovery has
$een exciting, invigorating and rewarding. In my work with clients,
my concern is not /ust to address symptoms $ut also to seek out the
cause, and through gaining an understanding of the underlying
issue or cause, to help the client more effectively.
"aving trained in a num$er of disciplines, I employ many
different techni'ues, including allergy and environmental stress
testing to get to the root of a client0s pro$lems.
.uring therapeutic energy sessions, my spirit guides help
me $y showing me images relating to past and present life
experiences of the particular client. I am often shown past3life
events as clearly as one might see them on a video. (his event
would have certain relevance for the client in their present life
situation. (he resonance of this event may still $e affecting the
29?
client at a physical, mental or emotional level, and through
counseling and physio3emotional release therapy, the intensity of
the resonating emotion, e.g. anger, fear or sorrow, could $e
reduced or dissipated altogether. (his allows the client to move
forward in their life without the intensity of what might $e a $irth
trauma, an early childhood experience or a past3life event limiting
their capacity to live life fully.
,ver the years I have dealt with countless clients who have
presented me with a wide variety of symptoms and issues. I have
$een supported in my work $y my spirit guides, particularly
5olomon, who communicates his words of wisdom in the form of
para$le3like stories. I am often prompted during a therapy session
to communicate one of these stories to a client and invaria$ly some
aspect of that story triggers a realisation in the client of an issue in
their life. Clients find the visual images created $y the stories
increase the effectiveness of their therapy session.
Countless clients, upon leaving a therapy session ask me
what to do next, what to read, where to get support and direction
outside the therapy center. With this in mind and with the
encouragement of my hus$and Kohn, many clients, friends and
colleagues in complimentary healing , I decided to write this $ook.
(his $ook sets out to address itself to a wide range of
people 1 those in therapy, those who may have finished therapy
and even people who are independently seeking guidance on their
/ourney through life.
(here is many a crises on the way towards self3realisation.
(his $ook aims to help the reader to focus on the issue,
which is most relevant to them at this moment in time. (he idea for
this $ook was $orn out of the desire to allow clients to $e
individually directed $y their spirit guides to the story most
relevant and helpful to them at any particular time. (he $ook can
$e read cover to cover like any conventional $ook. It can also $e
used in con/unction with the divination chart at the $ack of the
2:@
/ntroduction
$ook thus concentrating the reader0s attention on one relevant
chapter, story, or issue.
>ach chapter/section of the $ook provides an opportunity
to explore one issue of immediate relevance to the reader. >ach
issue is gently introduced and explored through imagery and story.
(he $ook is written in an informal therapist to client style,
avoiding any professional /argon or terminology. &s the reader
moves through the chapters, aspects of the stories gently center the
reader within the issue. (he reader, through spending time with the
issue and answering a variety of 'uestions, deepens their
understanding of what is happening for them in their life.
In a loving and non3/udgmental way the reader is led to an
understanding of the cause, and where this issue originated, and is
provided with guidance and direction as to how to proceed towards
resolving that issue.
(his not a $ook of do0s and don0ts. It sets out to empower
the reader to take control of his/her own life and so realise that at
all times there is choice. (hey are encouraged to take responsi$ility
for their own $ehaviour, stay aware of the affects of that $ehaviour
on others, yet not live in other people0s spaces.
>ach chapter concludes with a list of positive affirmations
from which the reader can choose one or more to carry with them
through the day.
I have seen at first hand how the stories from this $ook
have helped thousands of clients over many years, and I hope you
find light and guidance in its pages.
Patricia Hesnan
Feal names and places have not $een used in this $ook.
2:)
& new and modern way of looking at
self improvement and self development
(his is a $ook that can give you answers, when you can find none.
(his is a $ook that can give you clarity, when nothing seems to
make sense.
It can give you direction, when you feel lost or gone astray.
It can give you hope where there is despair.
It can set you free, when you feel you are $eing controlled.
It can take you on a /ourney of insight, and self empowerment.
It can lift you up, when you are feeling down.
It can help you change fear into courage.
It can help you learn to accept yourself, and where you are at in
life.
It can help you understand the possi$le reasons for your own
$ehaviour and the $ehaviour of those around you.
It can help you to accept others as they are.
It can hep you to see yourself as the great $eing you really are.
It can help you to learn how to truly love yourself.
In a loving and non/udgemental way through imagery and stories
the reader is led towards a $etter understanding of the cause of
their pro$lem or issue and how to resolve them.
(his $ook answers many of the !whys# in our lives

Why do I do what I do?
Why do I feel the way I do?
Why can0t I change?
Why did it happen?
Why me?
+A&<#C#A 3-14A4
;atricia "esnanH &uthor,5peaker,
F.8.4. Cert in ..(.8. Cert in *.C.5. and 5tress 8anagement,
Cert. 5hen (herapist. Craniosacral ;ractitioner.
2:-
)ife in the ;ast )ane
.ip. "ol.(.8. ;hychic, 8edium, Channeler.
Channeled from her spirit guide 5olomon
Gisit our we$siteH www.heal.ie
*ook titleH !6e )our 'wn &herapist>
5u$ titleH Eind the Cause and Cure 9 6ody 8ind 1pirit
&his book answers many of the =whys> in our li"es

!hy do # do what # do?
!hy do # feel the way # do?
!hy can2t # change?
!hy did it happen?
!hy me?
An amaMing new book to help
bring guidance and harmony into your life
Dor the $enefit of those who wish to use the divination chart and
find their relevant stories easily, all credits and acknowledgements
appear at the end of this e3$ook
&vaila$le now to download from our we$siteH www.heal.ie
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