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Open Heart Surgery

Setting: An Operating Theatre. A Doctor stands over a patient who has been prepped for
open-heart surgery. A Nurse Stands by his/her side.

Note on gender: This is a scene about sexual satisfaction. The Doctor and patient must
have sexualities that are complementary to one another (eg straight male/female, gay
males, gay females, ect.) The nurse should be the same gender and sexual orientation as
the patient. As written, the Doctor is a straight male and the patient and nurse straight
females. If a male-identifying individual plays the patient, lines may be changed.

Voiceover: No animals were harmed in the making of this scene. All characters and
medical terminology appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblances to real
persons, situations, or cardiovascular surgeries, are purely coincidental.

Doctor: Whats the prognosis?

Nurse: Patient appears to have a severe truncation in the pulmonary cardio tissue.

Doctor: What was the duration of the relationship that caused this truncation?

Nurse: The relationship was official on most social networking sites for three months and
10 days. An accurate assessment of its duration is not possible due to the confusing
nature of the relationships start.

Doctor: Begin readying operational equipment. Patient requires a renewal of sentimental
cardio bearings and a good lay.

Nurse: Patients vaginal secretions are at

Doctor: Vaginal secretions!? The patient has only consumed six fluid ounces of light beer
and casually initiated eye contact. Vaginal secretions neednt be considered until the final
stages of this procedure. Read me her EKG and EEG.

Nurse: (This news is surprising to the nurse) Her brain and heart just simultaneously
emitted a spike in electric activity!

Doctor: (flattered) Was it something I said?

Nurse: No. It appears the beer she is drinking was brewed in Norwood Vermont. This
reminded her that her last boyfriends house was on a street named Norwood Avenue.

Doctor: They were only official for three months!

Nurse: I guess sometimes thats all it takes.

Doctor: Shes clearly too far-gone. Well have to postpone the operation until sufficient
amicable texting has been executed.

Nurse: Ill conduct time omitting a plot device.

Doctor: Excellent. How far along have we progressed?

Nurse: Procedure has progressed to halfway through the third date. Our new position is
on the central futon in patients living room. Ambient lighting is at 40%

Doctor: Now is the time to give me her secretion reading.

Nurse: A bit low. Only about half a milliliter of natural lubrication fluid is present in the
vulvar region.

Doctor: Thats fine. We can use extra lubricated latex contraceptives. Im beginning to
move my left hand from her left thigh towards her left breast. Whats her reading?

Nurse: Heart rate has increased by 5%

Doctor: Good, good. Thats within the normal range for arousal.

Nurse: Doctor, patient is now engaging in light necking. How do you wish to proceed?

Doctor: Prepare my other hand for a brassier-ectomy.

Nurse: Prepping Okay the brassire has been detached from patients body. Patient is
now removing undergarments and straddling you. Doctor, shes eleven minuets ahead
of schedule! We havent even preformed preparatory cunnilingus!

Doctor: Theres no time for that. Attempting cunnilingus after straddling runs an 85%
chance of awkwardness. Its time to acquire the verbal.

Nurse: Shes unbuttoning your pants. We havent time for a verbal!

Doctor: What year do you think I earned my degree in, 1950? Failure to obtain a verbal
contract could be devastating to my career!

Nurse: Alright, alright. Verbal contract established via vocal acceptance of latex based
contraceptive, with full knowledge of the intended purpose of said contraceptive.

Doctor: (deep in concentration) Now inserting penile device Penile device is inserted.

Nurse: Somethings wrong. Her moans are five decibels above what is considered the
normal range for this early on into the procedure. There is a 65% chance she is faking it.

Doctor: That is not acceptable. Prepare to change positions for further penetrance. Also
make note of self-arousal. Ejaculation expected in 15 minuets.

Nurse: Her moaning volume, pitch, and regularity are all proceeding at higher than
expected frequencies than her relative perspiration and hear rate should allow. Chances
she is faking satisfaction just increased to 86%.

Doctor: Well have to proceed regardless. The operation will continue until sounds of
pleasure reach a maximum.

Nurse: Shes maxed out at 95 decibels. Failure to contract vaginal muscles confirms it.
There is a 95% chance she just faked her orgasm. Chances of faking orgasms expected to
remain constant throughout operation. (Sound of heart rate monitor flat-lining) Also, we
just lost her heart. Would you like to proceed to ejaculation regardless?

Doctor: Damn it! Damn it. Yes. Im proceeding to ejaculation at a normal timescale.
After I pull out Ill pronounce her.

Nurse: Yes Doctor. And doctor, dont worry; its not your fault.

Doctor: Of course its not my fault! Why do you think I pay for malpractice insurance?

Nurse: (Short pause) Doctor?

Doctor: Yes?

Nurse: Remember on the first night of contact with the patient when you let her just hold
her face against your chest and feel your touching her eyelids?

Doctor: Yes

Nurse: That was nice. You should do that again sometime.

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