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"A skeleton in tbe room.
An elepbont in tbe closet."
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.................................................................................................................................. Beuication 4
.............................................................................................................................. Intiouuction S
........................................................................................ "The Baby anu The Bathwatei" 6
........................................................................................... Nitziayim - Ciampeu Places 1u
..................................... "I'm peifectly aliight anu eveiything's fine, thank you." 1S
.................................................................................................. Natuie Abhois a vacuum 17
................................................................................................................................ Chiistians 26
.................................................................................................................................. 0lu Paths 29
............................................................................... I am a Numbei - Neicy me, I exist! S2
.............................................................................................................. Rhyme anu Reason S7
........................................................................................................................ Naiiiage Bliss 41
............................................................................................................. Angei Nanagement 44
...................................................................................................................................... Riuules 49
.............................................................................................................................. Wolf! Wolf! S4
................................................................................................. Lyon AuventuieBisastei S7
.............................................................................. Back in Blighty - Longing foi Bome 62
................................................................................. ABBB & Neuiological Biffeience. 66
................................................................................................ uieen with Envy; The Key 69
........................................................................................... Blockbustei anu Big Biothei 71
.......................................................................................... Isiaelite AuventuieBisastei 74
.................................................................................. I'm not a monstei, I'm a ieal boy. 79
...................................................... Piepping foi plagues anu playing in the woous 9u
........................................................................................................... Revival anu Refining 94
........................................................................................................... It takes two to tango 99
.................................................................................................................. The Loss of Yos. 1u2
............................................................................................................................... Exouus II 1u9
In honoui of my paients who loveu me in
a woilu wheie that is nevei enough.
Beie's my stoiy.
0nly mine to shaie.
Clotheu in my woiu combinations;
plain to some, obscuieu to otheis.
Ny heait knows what it's uoing. It is not alone.
Please uon't ask me to explain.
Tiust, if you will, in my way of uniavelling.
Ny woilu is a whiil of metaphoi anu likenesses.
I uance fiom uetail to cosmic piinciple.
By uamage oi uesign, I no longei tiy to guess.
I'm one of seven, yet one alone iuentifieu.
Some see my flighty path anu aie weaiieu.
Few can tiavel with me.
0nfinisheu, my stoiy continues beyonu the slow sepaiateu
events measuieu foi my little tiust, into the gushing unity
of Bis will. Into a wiuei stieam; a chosen nation, iejecteu
but not foievei. Auventuie outsiue of my contiol, tiusting
ueeply, enjoying the iiue. Not to cheapen the suffeiing.
But pain anu pang no longei filleu with piiueful uoubt.
All lost in wonuei, wows anu joys.
I tell my tale, no longei so much to be heaiu oi unueistoou
moie to open wiue the gates in otheis heaits to fiesh
Expecting The 0ne who feeus me on the heights to help me
shaie the iescue anu the iiches.
To see the long awaiteu fiuit iipen.
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(extiact fiom an essay that I was instiucteu to wiite at age 11)
0ne of foui chiluien, two paients, big house, public school, a
cleanei, tiips to Fiance, a gaiuenei, elocution lessons, anu lots
anu lots of pets.ouis was a pictuie of humble Kentish
I'm 2u. It's 1984 anu it is just a few weeks aftei watching the
film '1984', (baseu on the book by ueoige 0iwell). I am on
my way to my psychic class, aftei having set off five
enthusiastic houis eaily. I finu myself in Camuen Town
walking past what is eithei a book shop with lots of plants oi
a plant shop with lots of books.ah, it's calleu 'The Nustaiu
Seeu Bookshop'...that answeis that! I am caiiieu into it anu
(iemembeiing nothing else of the expeiience) I come out
holuing a book titleu "The Challenging Counteifeit"....I ieau it
anu become a chiistian (It's a much longei anu moie
uiamatic stoiy but that's it foi now).
Into a gieenhouse. Fisheu out of the sea. The seeu is planteu.
(The little Nustaiu Seeu Bookshop anu Fellowship in Camuen
Town, Lonuon, was a iauical place. Theie they unueistoou
the place of 'oiigins' as one of the founuational builuing
blocks of belief. They challengeu the evolutionaiy
suppositions which I hau absoibeu thioughout my chiluhoou
anu theiefoie equippeu me on my ioau to mental iecoveiy
fiom believing in something so impossible, unscientific anu
teiiible as macio-evolution.)
I am sent out to shaie the "goou news" seveial times a week.
But am waineu not to talk about my past as some people
appaiently go on too much about theii pasts anu foiget to
shaie about the goou news.
The ieaction fiom my family to my tiansfoimation was one of
confusion as we hau always gone to chuich. Foi them I am
getting into a stiange ieligion which takes The uoou Book fai
too seiiously.
Ny anchoi; Bope of Nessiah's ietuin.
I ieau anu ie-ieau the Bible as well as many books by C.S.
Lewis, Fiancis Schaeffei, A.E. Wiluei-smith anu many othei
Rock founuation, I'm no longei builuing on the evei shifting
sanus of humanism. "IT IS WRITTEN."
Ny favouiite stoiies in sciiptuie weie about; }oseph, Baniel,
}ob, }oshua, Baviu, The Exouus anu, of couise, Nessiah.
"We can not live on bieau alone but on eveiy woiu that
comes fiom The Nakei"; Bieau of heaven!
I am (still) 2u. I am puffing away on a cigaiette whilst
ieauing sciiptuie when a stiong, silent voice says "Feiguson,
why uo you smoke.". Befoie I can think I answei "Because
I'm anxious" anu immeuiately heai the same voice blast the
woius on the page that aie open iight theie in fiont of me,
"Be anxious foi nothing, but in piayei anu petition let youi
iequests be known to The Nakei"
. I finish the cigaiette anu
have not hau one since.
The uoou Book explains that eveiything was maue peifectly;
no ueath, sickness, ageing, extieme weathei, eating animals,
etc. These things, we expeiience as noimal now, only came
aftei oui iebellion. I was so pleaseu to leain this as I hau
always hateu the iuea that ueath was natuial; "That's life".
Fiom shaiing this anu watching people's ieactions I knew I
was in foi an auventuie. "I suppose you also think the eaith
is flat." To which I woulu ieply; "Flat enough foi me"
I wiite a leaflet entitleu "The Baby anu The Bathwatei" in
which I wiite about how 'Chiistenuom' oi 'The West', along
with all the uistoitions anu abuses of The Chuich (Roman
anu Piotestant, et al) hau thiown out the goou of Nessiah
anu The uoou Book (I still believe the West is in a swing away
fiom that which maue it gieat).
The best thing I finu about being a chiistian is that my past is
gone; washeu away, "thiown into the sea of foigetfulness",
extinct, ueau, iemoveu, behinu me, eiaseu, buiieu - anu this
is such goou news to me (I'u hau a bit of a muiky past).
Nagic wanu; Ping!
The less I talk about my past the moie it seems to please my
pastoi anu his wife. Aftei all, I am a 'new cieation' anu to
biing up the past is little moie than uoubt, unbelief anu a
betiayal of what Nessiah has uone foi me. "No buts!...uoats
But!" (Butt).
Ciacks in my new peifect life.
This lasts foi thiee yeais. I cannot unueistanu why the past
haunts me so fiom the giave. Biity uaik thoughts in theii
season beat on me, eiouing the joy of my new life. In a
uespeiate conveisation with the pastoi I ieach out anu put
my hanu on his knee. Be iecoils, swiping my hanu off in
hoiioi of contagion. Auuing to all this, I fail both to 'speak in
tongues' anu to 'ieceive the Spiiit' in the mannei iequiieu by
the leauei anu gaining an incieuibly ueep feai of anything
supeinatuial uue to constant wainings about counteifeits, I
leave the gioup believing myself to be too evil to be a believei.
They also ciiticise my leaflet 'The Baby anu The Bathwatei'.
(I look back with fatheily love at the twenty yeai olu who
wiote it - it was goou!....anu I uiu not thiow out the baby with
the bathwatei that was The Nustaiu Seeu's failings anu
0ut of the fiying pan stiaight uown the plug-hole.
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I am 2S. Walking away fiom my last Nustaiu Seeu
Fellowship meeting, I heau off on a walk with no goal. I stop
in the uaik by the canal at Camuen Lock. With iats
untoucheu by my uespaii I sit, my biight hope neaily
extinguisheu; I must be a monstei to have fallen fiom such a
Savioui; I am woise than I was befoie anu with the auueu
buiuen of the knowleuge of what I have 'iejecteu'.
What now....
Egypt in Bebiew is Nitziayim - Stiongs 4714
Relateu aie; 6862(a),6869 & 6887a 1 !"# to binu, tie up, be
iestiicteu, naiiow, scant, oi ciampeu.
"Rescueu you out of the house of slaveiy"

iecuiiing uieam: Hy bonJs feel tbeir woy olonq tbe norrow
possoqe, it comes to on enJ. l woit onJ listen borJ for pursuit.
notbinq. l feel, jirst toworJs tbe left onJ tben to tbe riqbt.
oqoin, notbinq. Tben l feel upworJs onJ jinJ o qop wbicb l con
jit tbrouqb. l work my woy tbrouqb it into wbot proves to be
onotber conjinement; tbis time o Jifferent sbope witb smells,
botb new onJ olJ. Hy senses ore beiqbteneJ onJ mixeJ witb
exboustion. Hovement, onotber wos close by, but of wbot
sort.IrienJ or Ioe? Not tbot on.into possoqes onJ
rooms; few wbere you con stonJ up; even fewer wbere you con
Micah 6;4
loy Jown stroiqbt.oll pitcb Jork {or neor to it).onJ still on.
olwoys olone.
Sometimes l become conscious of someone next to me;
sometimes its o bormless one onJ sometimes its o neeJy one
Jroininq tbe little strenqtb l bove, sometimes tbeyre nosty
ones wbo Jesire my jlesb - oll of tbem to be ovoiJeJ, if
possible.movinq swiftly on.tbis unJerworlJ bos no enJ but l
worm my woy tbrouqb it onybow.olwoys my beortbeot quick
onJ my movements colculoteJ. lf tbere is o qool it is to qo 'up'
os mucb os possible. Yet tbis is rorely possible. little is spoken
bere in tbe Jork; little is neeJeJ to be soiJ. {voque
recollections of nosty tbinqs to be ovoiJeJ).
I awake again anu get up foi woik anu 'the puisuit of
happiness' with my few moials; 1. uon't get iiu of the bible
(even if you can't biing youiself to touch it), 2. uon't smoke,
anu the unspoken Siu one; no sex.but even these few
bounuaiies aie alieauy bluiiing...
Failuie, uselessness, anu shame; I've lost the best thing I
have evei known. "A uog ietuining to its own vomit"
. Yet, I
will nevei ietuin to the counteifeit supeinatuial oi the
counteifeit genuei woilu I hau left behinu thiee yeais back. I
maintain some ioutine; woik, walking,....but how am I to go
on. Aftei all."natuie abhois a vacuum".
anothei uieam: l om on o roilwoy embonkment, scovenqinq
onJ qnowinq on o bone onJ some Jry, stole meot. Fyes
Jortinq, reoJy to run for cover, even tbouqb l om clotbeJ in tbe
Jorkness of niqbt {l only Jreom tbis one once).
Proverbs 26:11 & 2 Peter 2:22
Lonuon is looking to me just like a voitex plug-hole anu I
inevitably am going uown it. Bull integiity collapsing. A
battle lost uaily. But into this seemingly inevitable enuing
comes a lettei; a shaft of last hope.
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I'm 2S. I am on a tiain sitting opposite Pete anu am speaking
enulessly (as I am pione to uo). I notice that his usual
attentiveness towaius me has ceaseu anu he is now shaken
by something. I ask him what is up anu he tells me that
something has happeneu. That "a uooi has openeu" oi some
change is taking place in anothei uimension. This is not that
unusual foi him so I biush it off. We aiiive anu get out. I am
visiting him anu we aie to use }an's flat (she is staying at
fiienus, kinuly, so that we can use hei place). It is eaily
afteinoon anu the giounu is uiying following a shoit showei.
At the uooi, Pete spots a note auuiesseu to me; it is a
welcome lettei fiom }an, with sciiptuies anu a smiley face.
0ne pait hits me like a tonne of biicks. "Yeshua
you". I stumble in aftei Pete into the Kitchen. Pete is talking
but I can't heai him. I am tiying to holu myself togethei but
cleaily this isn't woiking. "Aie you aliight, Feiguson." Pete
asks. The woilu is spinning. Someone stiong is appioaching.
I answei Pete shaiply; "I'm peifectly aliight anu eveiything is
fine, thank you!" I walk biiskly along the passage, tuin left
into the lounge anu spot }an's buugie. I walk towaius it,
tiying to speak to it. Next my mouth opens anu my heau goes
back. Like an olu kettle with a whistle just ieaching the boil,
a noise comes out of me. Ne. - out fiom me but I am not in
contiol. Loss of contiol, theie is no fighting "it". The sounu
incieases, as if a tiny hole is wiuening, until it is as louu as a
steam-tiain. (Bow long this lasts I uon't know). Then it
The real name of Messiah in Hebrew
(Joshua is the better English translation)
becomes louu sobs with giowing spaces between them, until
finally I slump on the chaii anu lie exhausteu.
(I uon't know what the buugie thought, felt (oi whatevei they
uo), but I hope it got a healing foi the tiauma my scieams
causeu it).
I am convinceu I have gone mau anu expect that my fiienu
(given to me foi that shoit time), woulu now call the hospital
foi me to be 'sectioneu'. Yet, suipiisingly, he seems pleaseu
foi me anu says that the expeiience was ieally goou! Be
explains that it was a 'healing' anu that I neeueu it in oiuei to
be able to live life fully as The Nakei intenus foi all of us anu
fuithei suggests theie might even be moie 'healing' to come!
I sleep ueep anu calm anu when I awake I can tell something
has changeu in me.
(Bow I met Pete; the liteial "yeai out" fiom chiistianity anu
hope, hau enueu with a lettei of invitation to an Exouus
Inteinational healing confeience foi believeis with issues of
homosexuality. This last stiaw giaspeu, I gave life one last
shot. 0n the tiain uown, I steeleu my will to be closeu to the
othei attenuees anu to any uistiactions; I was ueteimineu
only to be open to Beavenly Belp if it was theie.
I iemembei walking in anu thinking 'oh no, what have I
uone.' Befence shielus up, anu countei to all that was natuial
within me, I all but ignoieu eveiyone who spoke to me. The
moining teaching was piofounu anu affects me to this uay; it
was about the evil of ambition anu inuepenuence. But how I
met Pete uespite all my foitifications is cential to my stoiy. I
hau ignoieu him about foui times in the fiist few houis of
being theie. Be then seemeu to choose to follow me
wheievei I went. No longei talking to me much. This was
uisconceiting. Somehow he bioke thiough anu won my
confiuence in a way no one hau evei uone befoie. Be exuueu
confiuence in The Nakei's ability to fix that which Be hau
maue. Be was all light anu I was so uespeiate. By the enu of
the confeience, I hau been encouiageu to begin to tiust that
insteau of being a total failuie, becoming a believei was only
the beginning of a piocess. I ietuineu to Lonuon waimeu. I
hau not ciieu a single teai at the confeience (which uiu not
stiike me as stiange as I hau been numb foi yeais).
So Pete took me on as if tolu to. Be visiteu me anu was veiy
uown to eaith. Be encouiageu me to go to anothei
confeience by a lauy calleu Leanne Payne. Each time we met
I softeneu towaius the tiuth of healing anu going to anothei
confeience felt like a goou thing but, piioi to that, I went up
to visit him in Biimingham. That is when I hau my fiist
healing expeiience, anu the buugie hau its fiist tiauma.
Pete was like Yeshua to me anu I believe I was iight to see
him that way. Be took me into the expeiience of healing anu
ueepei into a peisonal anu ieal ielationship with The Nakei.
I moveu to Biimingham to shaie a flat with him anu a new
uieam (the iecuiiing one): os olwoys - crompeJ, on my knees
crowlinq tbrouqb possoqes onJ olert to Jonqer. Turns onJ
boles. Tbe fomilior cloustropbobic qloom. Anotber openinq
wiJe enouqb to squeeze tbrouqb. 0bjects quesseJ ot but never
treosures. Birt onJ tbe some olJ smells.onJ on.
but tbis l seeinq sbopes or just imoqininq? l bove
been JisoppointeJ too mony times to believe in it, but it is
tbere. A cbonqe. Boubt tbick in my minJ but yet witbin me
perbops some new tonqible reoson to believe. lt is o Jull line
Jrown by sometbinq not totolly block or imoqineJ. Tiltinq my
beoJ to qet o better sense Joesnt belp, so l proqress. Tbe
vision remoineJ onJ intensijieJ. An impenJinq feelinq olien to
me qrows os l opproocb. l beor voices. 6uorJs! l woit; oll
senses moxeJ. l woit. Tbouqbts of oction forminq slowly. l
move to onotber ploce still Jeep in tbe sboJows. Irom tbere l
con see more liqbt. liqbt! l boJ to qet post tbem. l must bove
been bere for o lonq time, Jeliberotinq. After oll l bove been
tbrouqb, to be couqbt or killeJ bere is too cruel. l sleep.
Notbinq bos cbonqeJ wben l open my eyes. Tbe liqbt is still
tbere beyonJ tbe tolkinq quorJs. Tben borJly witbout tbe will
to, l rise colmly onJ wolk os l bove never before, toworJs tbe
liqbt witbout o tbouqbt of Jonqer. Tbey become owore of me.
lt is like someone else is Joinq tbe wolkinq for me. As l poss
tbem, tbey ore surpriseJ but Jo not try to stop me. lnsteoJ it
suJJenly strikes me tbot tbey ore perbops tbere to keep people
from qoinq in, rotber tbon cominq out.
l wolk out Jeeper into tbe liqbt wbicb qrows os l enter into tbe
coves moutb. Tbe overbonq, orcbeJ out like o conopy, serves
os o sboJe to me os l oJjust to tbe liqbt. SupporteJ by unseen
orms l beqin to obsorb tbe new worlJ l om enterinq. Tbere is
qross onJ busbes, tbe colour is qrowinq, onJ tbere ore people;
none seem interesteJ in me onJ tbot Joesnt motter. Some ore
clotbeJ onJ some ore nokeJ. l look ot myself. l om olso nokeJ.
Somebow, l om sbown {woy beyonJ mere worJs), tbot l too
will soon be clotbeJ, ot tbe riqbt time. {Tben l tbink l ron) l
woke up.
This is my own peisonal passovei, my veiy own exouus.
6789:;< 2=@<
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The exchange; Beauty foi Ashes. Yeshayahu (Isaiah): 61
Into this new wiuei life of light, I walkeu with Pete. At woik I
typeu numbeis anu names into uatabanks au nauseum. 0ut
of houis I was tiying out my new fieeuoms. I hau been to a
Leanne Payne confeience anu was leaining about what
uiffeient foims of healing people neeueu. I was being healeu
fiom the feai of all things supeinatuial at this time. Even
though Pete hau encouiageu me not to analyse too much
about my fiist healing with the buugie, I began to wonuei
moie anu moie what all the scieaming hau been about. It
was cleai that the liu hau been lifteu, anu out hau come pain
anu now I was to leain to ieceive joy in its place. But it was
not simple. I wanteu my fiist healing to be, at least, neaily
the last. Noie pain came up at the confeience. I was suie
this pain was because my Bau was at woik so much when I
was giowing up. Ny explanations echoeu empty when I
spoke them but uespeiation to be finally useful anu
successful foi The Nakei, clouueu ovei my simple tiust.
Anothei healing. Was that it. The last one. I just wanteu to
get on with achieving. When woulu I be able to stait life
You'ie in uenial.
film: "0iuinaiy People". This captuies in my imagination the
powei of uenial anu the neeu to face tiauma even when theie
is little suppoit fiom family anu fiienus.
0ne evening, Pete came into my ioom anu sat uown on the
beu. Be put his hanu on my knee. "Bow uoes it feel when I
uo this." he askeu. I fioze anu coulun't answei. Be moveu his
hanu up my leg a little anu iepeateu the question. I knew this
must be something he was uoing to help me face something,
to get me some new healing, but I fleu. I ian to the uiawei in
the kitchen, giabbeu a caiving knife, sliu the uooi acioss anu
leant all my weight on it. Be came to the uooi anu askeu if I
was 0K. I tolu him to stay away anu that I hau a knife.
Be moveu out.
I sat on the flooi numb. Be was gone. I hau thought he woulu
be theie foievei. What hau I uone. I sank into a moibiu
place anu slept the whole weekenu. Woulu I go to woik.
What was the point. Bau I lost all that Pete hau given me.
No. Be can't take it back. No. It was given to me fiom The
I went to woik. I got busy. I got into "youth woik". It felt
goou to be active. Ny eneigy pouieu into youth clubs anu
within a yeai I was woiking at it full-time. I connecteu easiest
with the 'wilu ones' in the stieet. I iemembei someone
asking me how I uiu it anu eithei thinking oi answeiing that
the ieal challenge foi me was the people (of all ages!) in the
chuich not those outsiue.

A pattein appeaieu; peiious of teiiible numbness followeu
by anothei healing then ietuining to the busy effoits to be
useful again. I woulu think I was uoing well but something
woulu happen, some small thing, anu I woulu soon spiial into
a 'low'. I woulu of couise thiow myself into moie woik. Ny
flat was open to all the 'outsiueis'. Cutting into this life many
questions peisisteu. I was still tiying to explain the neeu foi
healing foi someone like me who hau hau such a foitunate
upbiinging. The simplistic notion that my fathei being at
woik too much when I was a chilu coulu no longei explain
uifficult tiuths such as why was I still sexually attiacteu to
ceitain males. The piinciple I was taught by Leanne Payne
was to have the couiage to be honest with The Nakei about
these stiong feelings anu talk to Bim about them - but this
was fiightening. The boys of that type hau the powei to unuo
my 'ok-ness';to knock me off the path without even knowing
that I existeu.
You sit theie unawaie
that you have me in youi hanus.
Youi innocence the chain,
Youi ignoiance the lock.
I enjoyeu singing to The Nakei. Theie weie wonueiful times
- in chuich anu out of it - wheie I tasteu joyous highs. 0pen to
visions of ieal belonging anu unity, I was so thankful foi the
fieeuoms I was exploiing. I also enjoyeu getting close to
otheis in chuich who unueistoou healings; usually they weie
women. Talking about men's anu women's sexuality anu
genuei iuentities was not easy. The less you talkeu about it,
the bettei. I misseu Pete.
The young people who ciowueu iounu me enjoyeu my
enteitaining enthusiasm but I uiu not ieally get close. I was
uespeiate to get them into the same light I was tasting; both
in healing anu also when I was singing to The Nakei. I mostly
felt poweiless.
0ne night in the youth club (calleu 'The Way Inn'), a mauness
was uescenuing biinging with it uestiuction. I knew the
place was going to be wieckeu by the hunuieu oi so young
people theie that night. I quickly ieacheu foi a few people
whom I was suie hau ieal tiust in The Nakei anu uiew them
into the little kitchen. I shouteu out to The Nakei foi Bis
help, foi Bis light to come. Right Now! The otheis agieeu,
peihaps shaken by the whiilwinu of noise anu uamage being
uone aiounu the builuing oi peihaps by my "style" of piayei.
When we came out into the main ioom, theie was a stillness.
A hunuieu oi moie silent faces looking to us. Theie was a
uieau on the place.
Aftei a long pause the 'toughest nut' came foiwaiu anu
quietly askeu how he coulu have what we hau (meaning oui
tiust in The Nakei). Two otheis moveu foiwaiu. All thiee
weie the haiuest to speak to noimally. In this atmospheie
they weie soft befoie us. Sauly, it was not long befoie the
moment was spoilt. It was always the giils who staiteu the
chaos on uifficult nights, egging the boys into fiiction. I loveu
these people. But not enough.
Foi the full-time woik I was in a team of foui. Pooi team.
Pooi me. It was a tough yeai. Aftei that I woikeu in a
community pioject. Ny iole theie was to be available to
young people, encouiage them with looking foi woik. Also, I
hau a uesk wheie I uiu ait anu any young people who wanteu
to, coulu join in. Some goou memoiies.
Bealings weie paitly tiiggeieu by events anu people I
encounteieu. Each healing felt immense anu life changing.
Aftei one healing I walkeu outsiue anu was stiuck by the
appeaiance of the clouus; they weie viviu anu my eyes weie
openeu to them as if they hau nevei been theie befoie.
Anothei time, aftei a healing, I walkeu out of the builuing
neai a main ioau anu a uouble-ueckei bus uiove past fast. I
felt so soliu anu substantial that I knew that the bus woulu
come off woise if I steppeu out in fiont of it. I uiu not test
this feeling.
Baviu's teais: Theie to suppoit a local team we ieacheu out
foi souls with stiiieu-up zeal. Baviu was one of the young
people in the host chuich. Be was a beautiful anu fiienuly
lau. I founu him ciying anu I just 'knew' what was wiong anu
leapt to his aiu. I tolu him I unueistoou. That his pain was
about his Bau. Be lookeu up anu laugheu at me in a caieless
confiuence that instantly shatteieu my piojecteu illusion. Be
lookeu at me. Be saiu his giilfiienu hau enueu with him anu
that was why he was ciying. Be lookeu at me questioningly. I
blusheu in shame anu wonueieu at the powei of imagination.
The uepths of my pain - woulu they evei be toucheu with
complete ielief. What uo we see when we open oui eyes.
Bo we see much at all. 0i uo oui peiceptions uiown out the
stoiies otheis aie tiying to tell. Bis laughtei at my mistake
was iich with tiust anu geneiosity. This was also a waining.
I'm 11. Bespite failing my eleven-plus anu with the assuiance
that I will have extia math tuition foi a hunuieu yeais, I am
alloweu to go to Eltham College. This is the public school my
fathei anu uncle hau attenueu. I'm staiting in the last yeai of
junioi school. All the othei boys have been at the school foi
thiee yeais (I think I was late foi my fiist uay. I usually was;
my mothei fitting in 'just one moie thing' into a minute).
Reeu (the coolest boy in the woilu) thiough the seivices of
Beckingham, leaus me into the toilets via a special anu seciet
invitation. New anu unable to imagine what's in stoie, I'm
leu in by these two stiong boys: Beckingham active, Reeu
watching. I am feeling so impoitant. Beckingham takes me
into a cubicle anu says "We have to touch willies" (a iitual
piobably maue up on the spot). I uon't scieam oi iun. I'm
caught in the biight light of theii boluness anu stiength. I'm
paialyseu but I comply, hoping to join them in theii high
iealm of powei anu knowleuge. The Act uone they then
withuiaw. It's all ovei in seconus anu I feel simultaneously
elateu, fiighteneu, confuseu, uiitieu, honouieu anu shameu.
I'm wonueiing if this means I am now one of these lovely
boys anu that I am now impoitant in the eyes of otheis too.
0utsiue a minute latei (anu foi the next S yeais), I see that I
have become nothing oi woise, something to be uespiseu.
They nevei uiu anything else to me oi with me. But otheis
uiu following the 'Reeu Template'....access thiough
'Beckingham type'. I iemembei well this fiame that fioze me
into victimhoou. Thaweu only by foigiving them now but
evei uiffeient anu evei changeu.
Nost of my memoiies of that school aie of hiuing in
cupboaius, cievices, anu toilets (the lattei a paiticulaily
unfoitunate choice of place to hiue). I woulu also walk all
iounu the school cieating my best impiession of being on a
mission, full of puipose, so as to not stay still anu get noticeu.
0ntouchable in public. The queue of boys who founu me in
my hiuing places foi sexual exploiation weie all so quick to
ueny me befoie the ciowu. Bighly uesiiable; I was useful to
touch anu make me touch them in the most intimate ways yet
a hoiioi to be associateu with in the open.
I spent many, many nights going back in time to that school in
piayei. Some woulu say I was licking my wounus like a uog,
that I coulu have hau it all uealt with in a moment but I'm not
so suie. Eventually Eltham college no longei hau the powei
to uistuib me.
I'm 16. It's 198u. Boaiuing school in the Fiench Alpes. (It
has been aiiangeu by my Bau aftei I tolu him that I hateu
him. 0ne uay soon aftei he askeu how fai away fiom him uiu
I want to be. Be askeu if Fiance was fai enough. I saiu
"Yes"). What coulu be wiong with this. I'm heie. It is not the
PoitefeuilleApple-Tuinovei beu
I have to iemake each
night so as to sleep. In my uoimitoiy I'm 16, they aie all 18.
Thiee of them holu me uown, while one boy spills his seeu.
(The one who tiieu to stop him, is also the one who staits to
'use me' iegulaily). But at least I'm leaining Fiench anu I ski
insteau of play iiuiculous games like iugby oi football.
I am so uistuibeu by the lack of memoiy of chiluhoou. I often
iing my mum to ask foi uetails. Fog anu a few photos. Few
facts to cling to that show that I hau evei been a chilu at all.
(Film connection; Blaue Runnei. I am nothing so exciting as a
high quality a.i.) Clinging to Bis full knowleuge of my past.
Be thinks theiefoie I am.
0nce my Bau heaiu me talking with Num about a painful
memoiy; "You've got to be a biave soluiei." Be says.
I'm 26. Baik night in eaily wintei anu I'm being haunteu.
Biiven out into the stieets. I'm walking with louu thoughts
A bed made to look !made" but when you try to get in, you can
only get in half way.
anu compulsions, anu much self-hatieu. What was the
tiiggei this time. I just uon't know. I get close, too close to
the piecipice. Theie is a miuule ageu man on the hunt anu I
am the piey because that's what I am. I walk fast to my team
leauei, even though it is not the iight night. They let me in
anu sit me uown. What's up. "Can you just be with me
please". I want to talk but I have nothing to say. They piay.
Be gets a pictuie of something that makes me think of Auntie
Naigaiet. I talk about hei. (She uisappeaieu one uay when I
was seven. I spent as much time with hei as my mum). I feel
a lump iise up in my chest. I iemembei the fiont uooi wheie
I liveu. Be says, "peihaps you neeu to say gooubye to hei".
I'm 7 anu I'm 26. I'm scieaming. Aftei ten minutes of
sobbing teais, I'm laughing like a ciazy man. (Natuie abhois
a vacuum. The comfoit begins).
(Bei uisappeaiance which was nevei talkeu about in the
family. (it ieally is ciazy to think chiluien aie unaffecteu by
these big things) This filleu me with much feai. The feai was
ieplaceu with leaining to tiust again. Bieath of life giving me
stiength to believe I woulu know the goou that hau been
stolen even if time hau taken that connection. She was gone.
The giief coulu begin.)
I gioan with the whole of cieation. Enuless healings. I uo feel
change, a lightness, but moie pain. So messy. 0bviously
Nessy. I still seem to be making a fuss about nothing. uet
"We can iebuilu him. We have the technology. We can make
him bettei than he was befoie; bettei, stiongei, fastei"
The wolf will live with the lamb,
the leopaiu will lie uown with the goat,
the calf anu the lion anu the young sheep togethei;
anu a little chilu will leau them.
The cow will feeu with the beai,
theii young will lie uown togethei,
anu the lion will eat stiaw like the ox.
The infant will play neai the cobia's uen,
anu the young chilu will put its hanu into the vipei's nest.
They will neithei haim noi uestioy
on all my holy mountain,
foi the eaith will be filleu with the knowleuge of the YBWB
as the wateis covei the sea.

Yeshayahu (Isaiah) 11
6789:;< 2AB;
uieam: lm wotcbinq o mon preocbinq. Tbe more be preocbes,
tbe more be pusbes owoy tbe bope of cbonqe, of freeJom, of
life. Ee tries borJer {os be knows no otber woy). lts bis job to
teocb onJ sbepberJ. lts Jesperote. Ee preocbes on. lt qets
A voice rises up witbin me "Pleose belp us!"
Tbere is o boy in tbe front row. Ee knows tbe solution from tbe
insiJe out. Ee bos tbe solution. Ee is tbe solution. liqbteninq
briqbt power comes from tbe sky bebinJ tbe boy. lt enters tbe
boy onJ out from tbe boys foce onJ strikes tbe preocber. Ee
collopses onJ folls to tbe qrounJ. Ee resists. Ee cries. At jirst
teors of bitterness onJ onqer but tben be reloxes. Ee is stortinq
to know, just o little bit. Relief sbows on bis foce. Ee Joes not
try to qet bock up, be knows tbot be must leorn from tbe boy.
Ee lets tbe cbonqe come.
"0nless you become like one of these little ones"
Inheiitance of inteipietation, ways of uoing, of seeing the
woius in the uoou Book caiiy an authoiity of theii own.
These small tiauitions. The tianscenuent meaning oi point
often missing thiough yeais of the feai of eiioi. The moie the
healings have theii effect on me, the moie I long foi the 'full
to oveiflowing' life. Bis focus. Bis Wisuom. But...
2.3456 78&$9%6: .';
<6456 78&$9%6: .==/
Mattityahu (Matthew):18
Theie must be something bettei than this. Like a Tv in the
ioom, the pieachei speaks anu the iest aie silent. It seems
this aiiangement piouuces a passivity that has nothing to
with The uoou Book. Speaking about life but not living it.
I'm 7, I see a man coming out fiom the thick foiest with aims
tieu to a bai acioss his shoulueis. What am I seeing. I know
that what I am seeing is going ueep into my minu. (A seeu
settling to geiminate)
The evangelical gieenhouse I was in, loves ceitain passages of
sciiptuie moie than otheis. It elevates those who can
iemembei all the iight veises, who have the most knowleuge
anu can faithfully piouuce it at the mention of chaptei anu
veise. "Always be ieauy to give an answei foi the hope that
is within you"
. But foi me who felt tongue tieu:
"Explain Youiself Nan! Cat got youi tongue."
I've tiieu anu I just uon't fit. I woulu not be heie without all
the "piotection fiom the elements" this type of gieenhouse
just uesciibeu has pioviueu, but I see ugly games, men with
jobs anu then the unemployeu like myself. The five-folu
ministiy gifts oi }obs aie eveiything it seems. Emotions aie
uespiseu anu feaieu; "Emotional" healings aie at best
tioublesome things iequiieu foi a few (not the majoiity, as I
think). The shenanigans of men who uon't 'uo' much
emotion, uamage simple tiust anu push away The Nakei's
miiacle. No ioom at the inn foi me. It's ciampeu in heie.

Boctiines guaiueu by tiauition, unwilling to be testeu,
Bistoiy on theii siue, but the poveity is telling me eveiything.
Theie weie those who unueistoou aspects of a believei's life
much bettei. I knew a few goou women. C.S.Lewis maue
sense often, especially in his fieaky auult fiction. The logical
)': the imaginative. I must jouiney on into the wilueiness
even though I am looking foi the huuule's waim acceptance.
Bungei teaching me.
uieam: lm climbinq o bill onJ enjoyinq tbe fresb oir onJ spoce.
Tbe lonJscope is untoucbeJ by people, qreen onJ roominq.
FxbiloroteJ, l run on onJ on..
l beqin to notice irrequlorities; bumps onJ sborper sbopes in
tbe lonq qross. Wbot o beoutiful ploce! l look Jown onJ see
sometbinq qrey breokinq tbrouqb tbe seomless qreen. lt is
metol. l pull oport tbe tufts eosily onJ reveol o qirJer onJ
twisteJ sbeet of steel. l unJerstonJ. Tbe bills ore cities burieJ
by colomity onJ time. EeoleJ from tbe sins of mon. l cover tbe
metol bock over.
same uieam: lm reocbinq tbe top wbere l see severol people.
l store ot tbem. Tbeir foces bove boles like qouJo cbeese, insiJe
tbe boles ore oll skin no motter bow Jeep onJ wiJe tbe boles
qo. Tbey seem to tbink it is normol to be "boley". l woke.
"Youi Kinguom come, youi will be uone on Eaith". A cleaiei
hope. Beyonu the confusion. I'm now looking foi big
heavenly peifection heie on eaith (which is sciiptuial -
unlike the accepteu clinical 'clouu heaven'), but it's still such a
long way off.
But I was yet to challenge this ioot taboo of chiistianity !
6789:;< CAD
K%. >#+5,
Bints of ueepei, oluei paths ieacheu me thiough fiction anu
fact. Bungei leu me fiom the euge of the chiistian woilu I
hau known, to a uiffeient time anu place. Ancient
Noithumbiia anu the 'celtic aic'. This was "The house that
}ohn built". A type of chiistianity outsiue the ioman catholic
anu piotestant ciicles I thought knew it all. This humble way
of being a believei was iefieshing anu not yet exploieu to its
Fiom Biimingham, wheie inuustiy has painteu man's
business thick on the lanuscape, I moveu to Noithumbiia.
uieam: lm climbinq Jown o steep bill. lt is Jork onJ lm feelinq
my woy. l must qet Jown fost. lt is collopsinq! lm sliJinq
Jown onJ l reolise it is not o bill but o Jome of on olJ cotbeJrol
breokinq into slotes onJ bricks. lt is Jork onJ lm olmost Jown.
Tbe builJinq is Jown onJ no form remoins. 0nly o Just clouJ
cbosinq me. l move toworJs some liqbt. An openinq wbere
qross is qrowinq. Tbere ore people; only o few. Tbey poss me
sometbinq tbot looks like o lorqe bot. A mon puts on bis bot; it
is o Jeers beoJ! We oll put on our Jeers beoJs onJ tben run.
We ore now Jeer. We run foster onJ foster. l woke.
I'm 27. I'm woiking as a cook at the mothei-house of the
Noithumbiia Community. I'm hopeless at it. Someone save
me! Anu they just will come in anu talk, scatteiing any of my
iemaining oiueiliness. At night I am off on the
Noithumbiian hills uisuaining moueinity. Thinnei is the wall
between all times anu the Eteinal heie on these bleak ciags; I
am openeu to olu paths, anu new thoughts. Footsteps of
authentic people closei to Bim in time anu in genuineness.
Again moie ioom to be.
To uieam, yet anchoieu by my uisciplines; piayei, fasting,
stuuy anu manual woik. A Kentish man in Noithumbiia.
Biiu's Eye view
Beie once again, to uiink in this biiu's eye view.
It is not at all when I want oi by my will that I'm uiawn up
Not foi want of tiying.
Bome, if only foi a moment. Beauty holus me up.
Eneigy buins thiough my uoubts anu many anxieties.
Nust I evei leave. I know the answei.foi now.
Leaining not to iesist, I suiienuei to the uescent.
Back, swalloweu by ueath's shauow.
Cheiishing the fauing memoiy till the next time.
I hate that I'm poweiless to affect oui speck of giounu wheie
it is noimal to feai anu stiange to love.
If only I coulu make a change; to tuin this stiaw into biight
Such Neaningless. I tiust anu I believe.
Tiavelling heie anu theie to uance anu tell oui stoiies of The
King. Time alone with The Nakei. Time extenuing
hospitality. Time woiking haiu. Rhythm sown into life. Like
the tiue.

Leaining about the ueseit fatheis; wisuom foi the outsiuei,
tips to avoiu common innei uangeis, piactical too. The celtic
aic. A 'iule' foi living. Lituigy. The heietical impeiative.
Being alone togethei. Few to the many. Seasons with The
Nakei. Language to expiess the pioneeiing that I am
unknowingly beginning. Wisuom of the ueseit. uems anu
It is a time of leaining anu tasting, yet I'm on stepping-stones.
It is still a gieenhouse but this stiuctuie gives me ioom to
giow like nevei befoie.
6789:;< C;B;>
1 #; # H3;$&2 L 9&207 ;&D 1 &M/,+N
I'm 27. I'm on a uance team, but not uancing; sitting iounu a
kitchen table. People aie talking about "Notivations". They
aie explaining it is a list of gifts in the book of Romans,
chaptei 12. They say it is not the list of tools that we can use
as believeis poitiayeu in the fiist book of Coiinthians anu
neithei is it the list of }obs uesciibeu in the book of
Ephesians. It is a list of "who you aie" oi the "why you uo
something", iathei than just what you uo. Seven gifts that
people aie motivateu by, of uiffeient attiibutes oi stiengths
of The Nakei. Like colouis, textuies oi flavouis. Anuy, the
team leauei, explains that the passage is bioken uown into;
1 a list of the seven gifts each with a little woiu with them,
then 2 the seven listeu with the puipose oi focus of theii
stiengths, then finally S the seven listeu with wainings of
theii weak aspects neeuing to be coveieu by the othei six. Be
says that he is going to go thiough each of the seven, one
aftei the othei, anu that I am to listen to which ones might
possibly be the coie thing in my life.
Be staits with numbei one on the list: "The Piophet". Be says
"Please note this is not the piophet 'job''ministiy', by the
same name. The woiu 'piophet' is in all thiee lists of gifts I
mentioneu eailiei. These aie black anu white, stiong
flavouieu, visionaiy types, always pointing to the next
goal........ I am suie this is me anu say so. Bowevei, Anuy says
knowingly "let me go thiough them all befoie you ueciue".
Be continues;
The seconu on the list is the 'Seivei'. They aie soliu,
uepenuable, always 'uoing', action-baseu, piagmatic,
piactical, usually people of few woius, .....I'm thinking "mmm
I'm peihaps not this one. I was iight I am the fiist one."
"Next is the 'Teachei'". Be says that people can have a job of
teaching but not be one of these Teacheis by motivation. Be
says "They aie facts anu infoimation people, they aie
excellent at explaining, they have veiy goou memoiy of anu
attention to uetail." I know I am not this one foi suie! I say
so awkwaiuly. Someone in the ioom says they aie one of
these, I am caieful to say no moie.
"The 'Encouiagei' comes next, (also calleu 'Exhoitei'), these
aie people people, who love to encouiage people to theii full
potential, they like eveiyone to get along, togetheiness, unity,
they aie often the easiest to spot. They aie soft looking but
have an iion ueteimination to achieve theii plans. They
often......" I iecognise something stiiiing in me but not
convinceu that this is me, I feel a little shy anu anxious foi
Anuy to move on.
"The 'uivei' is often the haiuest to spot, they can hiue theii
softness, they love to see people getting theii neeus met, they
aie hot on hospitality anu they cleveily connive giving, it is
not just about money anu things but time anu caie." Anuy,
with spaikling eyes, is communicating to me that he
cheiishes these piotectively. Be uesciibes them as the most
vulneiable, once they aie known to be uiveis. I like to give,
so maybe.
"The '0iganisei' comes sixth on the list. This peison, can
sepaiate emotion off so as to see moie objectively what
neeus to be uone. They can see how a gioup can achieve
theii goal. Quick to auapt to changes, they ie-oiganise with
ease. They can appeai as haiu as the 'piophet' yet aie veiy
soft insiue." I know absolutely I am not one of these! Wow
I'm so uiffeient to these people.
Anuy says "Last but not least; 'Neicy' motivateu people.
These aie soft. They aie caiing anu will piobably be the fiist
to notice if someone is huit oi huiting, emotionally. Sensitive
to atmospheie they iely on theii feelings a lot. They aie
intuitive anu can't easily hiue what they feel."
I feel nakeu befoie them. Ny face is biight ieu - I have been
founu out! They know, they can see me! They laugh......the
mask is off.
0K I'm a numbei 7......I exist!
I took two yeais to woik thiough this teaching. To accept
that The Nakei was not ciuel to have maue me one of these
numbei 7s. What coulu the puipose be. It explains so much.
It answeis so many questions. But "please, Nakei of the
heavens anu the eaith, can I swap".
I know immeuiately that my mothei is a numbei 4; An
Encouiagei. Both sepaiation fiom anu acceptance of hei is
now possible! Bealth anu calm can come. Foimiuable people
Bynamite teaching. Suiely eveiyone will want to know this!
But many uon't. Feai of being boxeu. Nistiust. Peihaps
some have no tiouble with accepting how they have been
maue so foi them it uoes not seem an impoitant message.
I heaiu the teaching fiom Anuy who is an 'encouiagei'. Bow
woulu his motivation affect the way this nugget of wisuom is
piesenteu. I also heaiu this motivation teaching fiom
someone else - Aithui Buike - a numbei 1 (piophet); within
two minutes of his teaching about the 7th on the list (meicy
i.e. me!), he is talking about the vulneiability of Neicy young
people to sexual abuse, oi at least moie open to
misunueistanuing of genuei iuentity with the young men uue
to the obvious softness. I was so helpeu by this stiaight-
talking peison.
It took longei to face the fact that my Fathei has the same 7th
gift as me, but tiuth is easiei to live with than the confusion
of uelusion. Piocessing all my emotions, this teaching was so
libeiating. It has enableu me to manage confiontation in less
of a state of panic. It has enableu me to exist, when otheis
appeai to have no ioom foi me in theii univeise. It has
enableu me to accept them when befoie I woulu have juugeu
them veiy haishly (though in tiuth, the way Neicy people
aie built makes us fai moie likely to hate ouiselves than
juuge otheis haishly). It has also enableu me to know that
not only I am only one of seven but that sometimes, in
paiticulai situations, my motivation is eithei not iequiieu oi
can even be haimful.
Room to bieath. Room foi otheis, ioom foi me in Bis
Kinguom. I get so emotional. I am alloweu to be emotional.
I am maue to be!
Looking back now with this unueistanuing I can see that the
Pastoi anu his wife, at the 'Nustaiu Seeu', wanteu me to be
something else. They uiu not know of Romans 12 in this way
anu they constantly tiieu to change me.
Reeu was cleaily a Numbei 6 (an 'oiganisei'). So I hau uone
what many uo.....elevateu the numbei 6s because of theii
ability to look oi be so cool in a ciisis. I iuoliseu him;
feasting on his image like a cannibal, to gain his cool
attiibutes. Rejecting myself. This became the souice of a
peimanent sense failuie. Sickness. Beckingham was a
numbei 4 (an 'encouiagei'), he appeaieu so soft but hau haiu
ambition to contiol people anu situations. 0nueistanuing
motivations uemanueu a coiiection; I must not uespise what
Be has given me. This is healing tiuth. Belp!!
I hau always connecteu with }ohn the "beloveu". Ny name
Yochanan (}ohn) comes fiom this }ohn, not the othei }ohn;
the "baptist". I ieceiveu that name to myself to connect
fuithei. Bis name means 'geneious loving-kinuness'.
It is iionic to me (though suiely foi some heavenly puipose)
that the Noithumbiia Community is in }ohannine tiauition
(Yochanan being a Numbei 7) yet was founueu by a Numbei
1, 4, 6, with no numbei 7 men aiounu at the coie. I felt this
acutely when I was theie. I still puzzle at this. Cultuial blinu-
spot. I think so. In Tuikey I saw men openly uisplaying
affection without any feai of misinteipietation. Nan hugs
but without having to talk about it. I even saw a thiity yeai
olu man sitting on his fathei's knee!
St. Fiancis, a numbei seven; "uiant that I may not so much
seek to be consoleu as to console; to be unueistoou as to
unueistanu; to be loveu as to love. Foi it is in giving that we
This teaching has pioveu itself to be veiy helpful in
unueistanuing why ceitain people easily connect with
ceitain otheis whilst with otheis theie aie tensions anu
peiception uiffeiences. It has been so helpful.
A prayer associated with St Francis.
6789:;< ;AE7:
O57;& #*. O&#,'*
uieam: lm bock in tbe qoroqe ot tbe bouse wbere l liveJ from
oqes 10 to 1S. lt is Jork but o few sunbeoms ore breokinq in. l
see vicious steely preJotors roominq onJ eviJence of tbeir
bonJiwork; bones scottereJ onJ JiscorJeJ pelts emptieJ of
jlesb. Tbe tbouqbt forminq in my minJ - "notbinq con survive
bere". Besolote onJ Justy, l om reoJy to leove. But my
ottention is pointeJ to tbe "l" sbopeJ roof beoms. Ior me onJ
me olone, l om olloweJ to see some bint of colour. Hy eyes
openeJ, l move closer. l cont moke it out ot jirst, but l see it
move sliqbtly. lt is like no onimol l know. lt is sbimmerinq
blues onJ qreens onJ tbe curtoin of cobweb is no lonqer oble to
biJe it. lt is beoutiful. 0tterly vulneroble. 0tterly biJJen. lt is
{As l om pulleJ out onJ owoy l om sbown tbot tbis creoture is
me, onJ tbis is tbe onswer to tbe question of bow l om still olive
toJoy: PreserveJ for o purpose. AnJ l likeJ wbot l sow. l like
tbe symbol of me. A beoutiful creoture.) l woke, qlowinq onJ
wolk liqbter.
Room foi ieasons in militaiy oiuei, at the ieauy.
But Rhymes aie kept in uusty boxes, stifleu
anu foigotten at the back of cupboaius.
Reasons tiavel in lines; slicing, uicing, analysing.
Rhymes uance out woiu combinations that
unlock untiieu uoois.
Bivoiceu to cease the stiife.
Togethei again, a poweiful couple.
I'm 11. Bambuig. I love Bambuig. I'm happy. (Be is small; a
iunt of a hamstei with excessively loose skin. Be is gentle
anu soft anu theie is not the slightest shauow of a iisk of
being bitten by him. Be is happy just to sit on my hanu. Be is
so cute. Nonths aftei getting Bambuig I hau bought anothei
hamstei; Ni Albi. Be was an albino about twice the size of
Bambuig anu all muscle; a 'Bouncei' of the hamstei pubs anu
clubs in the Syiian ueseit.)
But I'm not happy with the size of theii cages anu I have
acquiieu an olu woouen cupboaiu with two compaitments. I
pictuieu it as the peifect home foi them. 0ne in each half to
keep them apait as they tenu to fight anu no neeu foi uoois
because it is so ueep when I lay it on its back. I clean it anu
fix it up. Piouu of what I have maue them, I leave foi school,
shutting the beuioom uooi tight to keep the cat out...
I'm back. I iun up the staiis into my ioom to see how they
weie enjoying theii new accommouation. To my hoiioi I see
Ni Albi coveieu in bloou. "0h no. Bow has he huit himself."
But then I see Bambuig.ueau. (This moment was captuieu
by my 'Symbolisei'. I'm iuentifieu with Bambuig as 'the
victim' foievei. The othei, the pieuatoi, the bully, the abusei,
aumiiably anu meaninglessly, the 'victoi'. The woilu is
uiviueu in two. Simplifieu foi suivival, though fatalistically
conuemneu. Scannei ieauy to woik out quickly "which one
aie you.") I feel sick. I feel guilty. Anothei uniealistic plan
aiiives at uisastei. I still love Ni Albi but I'm confuseu.
The bieau fiom below.
I know that the "Woiu" is the bieau of heaven.
Now I giasp that bieau goes uown below into the stomach
befoie it becomes tuineu into useful eneigy.
So too we must leain to ieceive tiuth into oui 'stomachs' anu
not just keep on chewing-analysing.
Bionic Nan, Taizan, }ames Bonu, Fiank Spencei, Cave Nan,
Scientist, Cowboy, Inuian, Cuuuly Toy,
"I know a man by his hanushake."
The collage of images that built up my pictuie of what a man
is, was like a uiagon, one which, with Pete's help, I hau now
So who will I be.
The evangelical view of man, especially, hau neaily killeu me.
But now I have ioom to see Nan thiough new, wiuei anu
wiluei eyes. The spice of cieativity anu sweet feelings finally
hau theii place in this exploiatoiy 'man-ness'. No Slugs oi
Snails oi Puppy uog's tails.
I'm liking St. Fiancis but, no, this is going to take time. }ohn
the beloveu. But I like the poweiful heio. Piefeiably the one
who can move things with the powei of thought; no biute
foice. Yes, this is going to take time. I can celebiate the
iemoval of the limiting boxes of male iuentity but I'm missing
}onathan anu Baviu. I see it all in teims of fiienuship.
2 Samuel 1;26
I'm 2u. I'm in Tiafalgai Squaie. I'm seeing in my imagination
that opposites balance. It is goou. Wonueiful. But evil is not
the opposite of goou. Evil is the absence oi peiveision of
goou. I see that anything bau is only a counteifeit of
something goou. Questions aie boin.

6789:;< >A>;
9#22/#A& 6%/,,
I'm 28. I'm at the mothei-house of the Noithumbiia
Community. I'm sitting next to Rivkah anu - wow! - I like the
feeling. I expiess my emotions, she iecipiocates. Couitship
commences. Scaiy foi me with my muiky past. I uisclose
enough.I think. But I've hau so much healing theie can't be
much left. ".uon't know much about chemistiy." - but I feel
I waineu hei that we woulu put The Kinguom fiist anu that
we woulu piobably be pooi anu tiavel a lot. We have now
liveu in 12 places, in S countiies. Rivkah was up foi the
auventuie with me. In fact she was often too willing to
please. I know people piojecteu onto us that I was the
stiongei anu woulu always get what I wanteu; "I was the one
with the tiouseis" Yuk!
I have a little memoiy of an event which symbolises how
things ieally weie a lot of the time: We moveu into a beautiful
faim cottage out in the miuule of nowheie. When we talkeu
about uecoiating, I saiu that I wanteu to use some biight
puiple somewheie. She ieplieu quietly (but with some
ieaction) that "it woulun't be in eveiy ioom, though, woulu
it." I saiu "no, only in a pait". Bowevei, the outcome in the
situation was that uespite all the iooms being painteu, none
hau uaiing puiple. It may not be a veiy big example but it
captuies foi me how a quietei peison can often get what they
want anu a louuei peison not.
The weuuing ovei, we uiive to a hotel foi the night befoie oui
tiip to Isiael foi the sun (going foi a tan was not what I
wanteu). Lights out anu an altogethei new initiation!
uetting maiiieu seemeu to help biing up, at a much fastei
iate, all the stuff fiom my past. A wife is a comfoit anu much
moie! Especially one who is a numbei 7 like me. Chiluien
(anu theie was one who came pie-boin as pait of the
package) aie wonueifully able to help iefine us. Being a uau
is meuicine foi being a son if mixeu with gieat tiust in The
Nakei's ability to fix what is bioken.
Ny stepuaughtei, I was tolu, woulu accept me as she was so
young. She was just unuei two yeais olu. I openeu my heait
wiue. But this was as fai fiom the tiuth as is possible. The
moie I tiieu to make hei feel loveu, accepteu, anu to belong,
the moie stiife, tiouble anu pain filleu the house. I knew this
was not hei fault so it must have been mine. Aftei all I was
the auult, iight.
Ny son Yosef was fiist to join this stiife-filleu house.
Submeigeu fiom biith in this atmospheie, he showeu signs of
withuiawing into his own shell veiy eaily on. When he was
boin it was a mountaintop expeiience foi me. I nevei uieamt
that I woulu maiiy, let alone have chiluien! Seeing how he
was affecteu by all this tension took much of that joy.
0ui seconu son, Yitzchak, was boin smiling. Be was thiee
months olu when he hau his fiist seizuie. Be then hau
seveial, each lasting moie than an houi long anu was once
iusheu off in a helicoptei. This seveie seizuie uisoiuei was
like a stoim. Yosef withuiew fuithei though I tiieu so haiu to
comfoit him. Be chose not to be any tiouble to us as
"Yitzchak was moie impoitant".
(Yitzchak; teaching us to finu joy in the uaikest places)
Let's go fly a kite. Ny best explanations at this time foi not
being goou at family events such as; aii-faiis, picnics,
ciicuses, swimming, flying kites, oi anything ieally, is that I
coulun't cope with too many people foi veiy long. Also, the
tiavel anu timing weie challenging. But it will get bettei. I
felt so guilty that I uiu not seem to be able to be a noimal uau.
We uiu have fun anu oui auventuies weie not without
wonueiful highs but I was cleaily uisableu, without enough
satisfactoiy explanation.
Naiiiage is a iiuule!
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I giew up with the stiong impiession that angei was wiong; a
common peiception. But I uiscoveieu in the "Instiuction
Book" that it is quite acceptable anu healthy to be angiy anu
to feel angei - "Be angiy but uo not sin"
. Nuch angei is
inappiopiiately suppiesseu anu theiefoie ultimately comes
out explosively. It is funny to me that foi a long time when I
was leaining to be angiy aftei yeais of buiying it, I founu that
when it uiu suiface I woulu shout out in Fiench. Peihaps this
is because, I think I fiist felt ioom to show angei at all in
Fiance when I was 16.
I'm 27. Theie is a stii at the mothei-house. They think I am
going to kill }ohn. Yes, I am angiy, but cleaily they uo not
know me; if I was going to kill oi haim anyone it woulu be
Self-haim is seen by many as a ciy foi help. Peihaps it shoulu
be heaiu if it is. Yet, all the self-haim I uiu was invisible.
0nless I hau been examineu intimately it woulu iemain a
shameful seciet. Even aftei maiiying, my wife knew veiy
little about it. Sometimes I was foiceu to aumit that it was
back again. I believe it is moie about tiying to feel in contiol
anu about self-punishment. I veiy often hateu myself. It
woulu uisappeai whenevei things weie going well but
iusheu back when I maue social eiiois oi faileu to be able to
uo what any "noimal" peison shoulu be able to uo. I knew it
was a sign. A sign of moie pain.
Ephesians 4;26
I'm 1S, I am cutting caiefully iounu the eye of my sistei's
laige uoll. I am going to ieplace the iight eye with a much
bettei 'bionic' eye anu ietuin the uoll to wheie she keeps it
(without hei even noticing). I am not yet suie how to make
this bettei eye but I have a plastic champagne coik anu a few
othei things. I am now having some uoubt about my ability
to complete my plan. I am now thinking it woulu be bettei to
quit anu ieplace the oiiginal eye I have just gougeu out anu
seal anu smooth ovei the plastic to iestoie it goou as new.
Bowevei, the hot knife is too hot anu the plastic is now
tuining black in places anu shiny in otheis wheie it was matt
befoie. This is not woiking. I'm not feeling goou. I buiy the
uoll ueep in the attic cupboaiu unuei bags of olu clothes, toys
anu biic-a-biac.
I'm 1S, The uoll is founu. When questioneu, my face is
enough to confiim my guilt. The whole house hates me. I'm
shunneu. They will heai no explanation.
I'm 27, I am on a silent ietieat, at the mothei-house. No
speaking! I think "this is gieat" anu the longei into the
ietieat, the moie my face beams, till teais stieam. I am fiee
fiom having to talk, tiying to tell, having to explain. Tiieu of
talking. Listening. I am accepteu without explanation. I'm
beyonu woius. I'm fiee.
You have the iight to iemain silent.
Compulsively tiying to explain myself to otheis anu explain
uiffeiences to myself. To explain why you appeai to be a
goou foi nothing. 0seless. A waste of space. Though you
know you aie supposeu to be "a joy-filleu chiistian". Noie
healing but how long is this going to last.
I'm 2S. I'm thinking about the Fiench uoimitoiy inciuents at
16. I imaginesee Yeshua; Be is angiy with the boys who aie
abusing me. This is a new uimension to my iescuei.
The sounu of my voice when I'm uaiing to stanu up to
someone. Baving saiu nothing anu seetheu foi weeks. Why
uon't they know that I am upset. It is not even a big thing,
but it is 'something' so I'm being asseitive anu speaking it
out. I can see the othei pulling back. 0h no. volume contiol
issues. Two extiemes.
I'm 1S anu I'm in science class. I feel the uaik iough uesk
engiaveu with pupil's names anu aciu holes. The teachei is
uoing sex euucation. I feel like I am a iat on a waxeu tiay;
pinneu open, uissecteu, ieceiving his teaching. Bis
movements convey ecstatic inteiest in the paits of the male
sexual oigan he is pointing at. I am openeu to anothei level
of uaikness. Some aie boys whispeiing that he is a "peiv".
I'm sinking. I blank out.
This was Ni Keith Buuson, a paeuophile who paiticulaily
likeu little boys. Be killeu himself in 2uu8. Be taught at
Eltham. Be taught all ovei the place. 0nuei my paients
noses. Evil! Theie is a time foi angei.
I'm 1S. I'm on a "Save The Whale" maich in Lonuon. I'm
angiy when I see the seals killeu. I know it's wiong! (I am
not conscious of being contiolleu by a political agenua).
When someone expects someone to uo something they can't
uo, oi when you aie thought to be uoing something hoiiible
when you aie not, it can make you feel angiy. uieat
Expectations. False expectations piojecteu onto The Nakei
aie the woist. When you aie tiying too haiu to please,
uiiven. You know you aie uiiven but you aie tiappeu yet still
people comment. Toiment.
0nce upon a time theie was a ieally fat man who was 1uu
stone. Be hateu being fat so he lost 4u stone. Be was so
pleaseu with the weight loss but all the people in the stieet
just staieu. Be manageu to lose anothei Su stone, but got the
same iesponse. Be neeueu the encouiagement but all he got
was juugemental attituues. So he got help fiom above to see
things iight, with oi without the suppoit of otheis. It's a tiue
stoiy, metaphoiically!
I'm 14. 0n a tiip with my family to Fiance. Some big boys aie
killing a iabbit. They cut its neck but it jumps out of theii
hanus. It is wounueu but not fatally. They kick it. They slam
the laige faim gate on it a few times. I am leu away.
This feeling will pass like any othei stoim. I take a hammei
outsiue anu smash the conciete with it.
What gets me angiy.
0ppiession. Baiu not to believe in conspiiacies when you
heai the bigoteu libeial uoctiine pieacheu so fiequently of
"how teiiible it is foi people to be tolu they can change fiom
homosexuality". If we stay silent we aie saying that The
Nakei of the heavens anu the eaith (Who says it is a sin; i.e.
not accoiuing to uesign) is evil foi calling us back fiom
iebellion. Bis Besign! Follow The Nakei's Instiuctions. Be is
meiciful but people aie ciuel foi blocking the healing way
back to Bim. Angiy!!
}onah was angiy because The Nakei was showing meicy to
I'm 29. I'm on my back on the flooi piaying. Theie is
something coming up. I ciy. Angei anu soiiow. I am finally
giieving foi my uianuma who uieu when I was 11 yeais olu
(18 yeais befoie). Bettei late than nevei.
6789:;< ;F;B;>
I'm 29. A woiu flashes itself befoie me - beckoning me foi the
What is this foolishness. I have guests.
I tell my fiienus that I have foigotten a woiu but, tiuthfully, it
is hiuing fiom me.
I uon't know what I woulu have uone befoie but my motto up
to this point has been ''If at fiist you uon't succeeu, give up!''
but this uay I am ueteimineu to catch it anu name it.
I tiy a uozen woius; ones that seem to ihyme.
What is the fiist lettei.
What othei woius aie theie with similai meanings.
No piogiess.
Soiely tempteu to give up. With fiienus but alone in this
stiuggle, I contoit anu twist, my will iesolveu, yet how will
my fiienus cope with this goose-chase.
''This is iiuiculous!''
An houi oi so passes.
I'm so close to quitting but befoie uespaiiing the woiu lets
me see one small clue.
Showing me itself by ieflection in some musty book with
foigotten title.
0i in a uistant memoiy.
Angiy anu embaiiasseu I apologise once again, ashameu of
making such a fuss ovei a woiu.
They say they aie fine. 0ne of them goes out foi a walk.
I'm close. The tiail is hot.
Now I have a theme; a game. No.........fiustiating game.
Waste of time!
Neaningless..............}ust out with IT..! Spit it out!
A game - of ihyme anu ieason.
Not amusing - playful, tantalising.........pointless.
''Come on!!!''
A smile on my face. Now I know that I will finu it.
But coulu it escape if it wanteu to.
Is it ieal spoit to let anothei finu you.
Still, fiom now on I will value it. value you.
Foi I see that you aie teaching me. 0pening me up to
something new.
Woithwhile, a puzzle......... I'm neaily theie. Puzzling game.
......................tip of my tongue.................
anu then, as cleai as uay, the woiu ieveals itself to me, comes
out fiom hiuing anu I feel how valuable a gift this is to me. I
know I'm to tieasuie it.
The woiu is; 5&::>6
Since then I've been leaining to use anu guaiu it. I've let it
leau me on the chase foi many a goluen uelicacy. This
expeiience openeu me up to enteiing the piocess of life
moie, the jouiney, the tiuth that goou things take time to
giow. Couiage to go beyonu limits. Belping me ueal with
those long-teim questions. It affiimeu the way I'm
peisonally maue. It takes time to heal, to tell youi stoiy.
Nothing must iush this. Shalom
0n the othei hanu I'm still 'Ni. Fix-It' at times. I want it all 0K
Hebrew; completion, whole, peace, a greeting.
Things "on the shelf" with no cleai place, categoiy, use anu
yet impoitant. I'm a 'sciimpei', a "just-in-case-we-will-neeu-
it", hoaiuei. In thought too, I see a thing anu ponuei it. But
sometimes a thing of no appaient eaithly value is given to me
in the thoughtemotion iealm anu I am given a suie sense
that it will be of gieat use anu I am to caie foi it. Bolu on to
it. uuaiu it. I expeiience this moie often.
It's on the tip of my icebeig.
0pening you up, taking you ueepei, keeping you 'umble:
Woiu combinations. BNA of life.
The ieu pill: I'm equating my awakening to Neo in the film,
The Natiix. I'm sent out by the community leaueis into the
wilueiness; to set out as a 'contemplative'. Almost; "What
else can we uo with this one.". So I'm in my poustinia

sheucloset waiting to see it as it ieally is. Not all
inwaiu stuff; "lanuscapes of the heait". I'm almost out
beyonu the wiluest euges of the known woilu. "Seek anu you
will finu" ueep uoes this iabbit hole go. All I can give
aie these key phases that I tiust will peihaps help you
unueistanu what I am beginning to see. I am a leainei-
Loss of contiol. Pioneeiing. Tiusting into the unknown. I
knew I wanteu The Nakei's 0iuei oi Kinguom. This is my
big iiuule. I'm giasping that The Kinguom comes heie on
eaith; "youi will be uone, youi Kinguom come BERE 0N
EARTB, as it is in the heavens". I see that most of piophecy in
sciiptuie is about the iestoiation of this Kinguom uown heie
A secluded place of prayer.
All times are one with The Maker.
on eaith. When I askeu myself wheie on eaith this 'kinguom'
woulu come to, the answei is cleai; Isiael. This iuns countei
to the populai chiistian iuea that we aie waiting foi
something othei than a happy enuing foi planet eaith;
Playing haips on fluffy clouus. "Pie in the sky when you uie".
In most believei's minus this eaith is fauing, soon to pass
away. The uieatest Expectation of all the uiffeient kinus of
chaiacteis ieally accepting anu valuing one anothei was
giowing as I took on this physical iestoiation unuei the
stiong iule of Nessiah heie on eaith; The uieat Shabbat
This Bappy Enuing is symboliseu by pieuatoi anu piey
getting on well togethei. Piey no longei foou foi pieuatoi
anu no feai in the piey types, this is so alien to oui
expeiience. Ceitain Bope.
It is 0K not to know eveiything .... yet. Bumoui, not being 'in
the know'. It all makes foi moie life anu auventuie. Ny tiust
is giowing anu I can face anything with You!
Stick of wisuom.
Theie was a man who sought wisuom. Be climbeu the
mountain to speak to the wise man in his cave. Be was tolu
to come back befoie suniise in the moining. Be went uown
anu came back up befoie uawn. Be came to the mouth of the
cave. The wise man askeu him what he wanteu. Be saiu he
sought wisuom. The man beckoneu him to sit uown. They
both sat facing each othei. The wise man saiu "how much uo
you want wisuom.". The man explaineu that he neeueu it
bauly. The wise man, as quick as lightning, biought out his
stick anu hit him on the siue of his heau. The man, huit anu
shockeu, got up anu went to the cave entiance. Be saiu "why
uiu you uo that." The wise man answeieu "you saiu that you
want wisuom". "I uo, but what was that." Be saiu. "Come
1000 years of Happy Ending for This Earth.
back at the same time tomoiiow" saiu the wise man smiling.
Again the man climbeu the hill. Be was confuseu anu
fiustiateu. Be was peihaps going to get wisuom aftei this
stiange expeiience yesteiuay. Be came to the cave. 0nce
again he was beckoneu to sit. Be neivously sat uown in fiont
of the man. Again he askeu him "what uo you want.". Be
answeieu as befoie "I seek wisuom".
"Bow much uo you want it." saiu the wise man. "I want it
veiy much". Anu as befoie the wise man swung the stick out
anu acioss the man's heau befoie he coulu move out of the
way. The man, angiy this time, shouteu "aie you mocking
me.". The wise man saiu "You saiu you uesiie wisuom. Come
back tomoiiow at the same time". The tiuth is, he uiu come
back the next uay foi he ieally uiu want wisuom. The same
thing happeneu. Be was so angiy anu so huit.
The next night as he set off he saiu to himself that it was
obvious that he himself knew nothing anu that this wise man
must be veiy wise, so he woulu give it his all. Peihaps he hau
not been polite anu honouiing enough. Be aiiiveu anu again
was inviteu to sit. Be woiueu his answei so caiefully: "0h
wise anu kinu mastei, please give me wisuom foi I ieally
neeu it. Thank you". Be saw the wise man move. But this
time he giabbeu the stick off the wise man anu bioke it ovei
his knee. Be was just ieauy to stoim off when the wise man
saiu "Well uone. You have founu wisuom"
Cat's got the tip of my tongue.
6789:;< :?;FB;
P'%(N P'%(N
I'm SS. It is the miuule of the night....uieau smotheis my
mouth, my face. I'm choking. I iun out of the house anu
uown the stieet in my pyjamas. I'm begging The Nakei to
take it away. I piomise I will face this with Bis help, but "take
it away please.....please..."
The panic subsiues anu I can bieath again. I ietuin slowly to
the house. What was this 'coming up' . Something so
Physical healing has nevei been my thing. I always hopeu I
woulu nevei neeu to know oi leain about it. 0ui seconu son
took up the focus of the family's attention anu eneigies with
his seveie seizuies. By his seconu biithuay he hau hau
thousanus of vaiious types anu lengths. We piayeu anu

0ne moining, by 1uam, he hau hau about Su. We hau a
choice; eithei to go to the hospital (wheie we hau seen fiist-
hanu the limits of theii skill) oi to go to a house of piayei anu
healing (to which I hau been a few times befoie foi help ).
Aftei aiiiving at the healing place, he hau one moie seizuie
anu then none foi weeks. Bim not having seizuies was
something we hau not known foi many months. The people
theie saw us as a whole anu theiefoie piayeu foi me too. As
always, I tiieu to encouiage eveiyone else to be piayeu foi
anu not to steal the limelight. They challengeu me to piay
about the fieak-out (iunning uown the stieet in my pyjamas)
event I hau expeiienceu a few weeks befoie. I talkeu foi a
while anu they askeu if I was ieauy to piay about it. I talkeu
some moie anu some moie. They askeu again if I felt I was
ieauy foi piayei about it. I saiu I was but tiieu to talk about it
some moie. They saiu theii time was neaily up anu I saiu
"0K!". "But what if it is the woist possible thing that
happeneu to me!.". They askeu me what I thought the woist
thing possible was anu I openeu my mouth to speak;
I'm 4, anu I'm S4. I'm Bisgusteu anu unuone. I scieam foi
what seems to be ages. Raging angei. Ciying anu sobbing. I
lay exhausteu anu then get up anu ietuin to oui ioom.
Foi some fathomless ieason, a sunuay-school teachei took
me into the toilet anu pulleu my face into hei piivates.
I am so piouu to say that I uiu my veiy best, as a 4 yeai olu, to
communicate to my paients what hau happeneu. Bowevei,
scieaming, kicking anu being sick weie not enough foi them
to heai. I was smackeu anu sent back in to hei.
Now this explains a lot!
Consequences weie wiue anu ueep. The cat hau my tongue. I
was now 'the boy who ciieu Wolf'. Not being heaiu leu to a
uifficult choice; eithei I continueu to tiy to tell them (with the
iisk of moie misunueistanuing anu smacks)........oi to act as if
nothing hau happeneu..."Bappy Families". Always feeling like
I'm making a fuss about nothing. Nountains out of molehills.
I heaiu lots on Tv anu Rauio about "False Nemoiy
Synuiome", aiounu this time, which maue me feel even moie
like a fieak; 0nbelieveu anu unheaiu.
What a mess! What can I expect. .Full iecoveiy because
The Nakei is also The Restoiei.
I look back anu see how much I fiist neeueu to be built up in
confiuence in The Nakei's healings ovei the yeais so as to
face anu suivive this paiticulai healing anu ueliveiance.
I tiieu to shaie this healing with my paients. I uiu not get the
uesiieu iesponse. I unueistanu fiom othei people who, as
young chiluien, have been sexually abuseu that paients
family often uo not iesponu well to being tolu. Nostly the
news is met with mega-uenial; "It nevei happeneu". This
ieaction may well be 'noimal' but foi the people who have
been abuseu it is neveitheless haiu to take anu ultimately
theie is a neeu to be heaiu.
Put a liu on it.
Following this ieaction I chose to settle foi the gains I hau
maue; I hau been healeu fiom the moment of violence. What
else coulu I uo. Nobouy wanteu to talk about it. Foi now, I
hau to squeeze the elephant back into the closet (only
occasionally mentioning it foi integiity's sake).
I see it as no coinciuence that my eluest boy, Yosef, was foui
at the time of this healing anu ueliveiance, the same age as I
was when I was abuseu.
"Foi the next few uays she was veiy miseiable. She coulu
have maue it up with the otheis quite easily at any moment if
she coulu have biought heiself to say that the whole thing
was only a stoiy maue up foi fun. But Lucy was a veiy
tiuthful giil anu she knew that she was ieally in the iight;
anu she coulu not biing heiself to say this. The otheis who
thought she was telling a lie, anu a silly lie too, maue hei veiy

The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, C.S. Lewis
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Q7'* I.B&*+32&R-/,#,+&2
I'm S4. Baving solu the gatheieu moss of oui possessions, we
have just iolleu oui way to Lyon, Fiance. Satisfying myself,
but peihaps not otheis, with my piepaiations, what coulu go
wiong. We aie staying foi a month in a nun's hospitality flat
next uooi to St Iieneus; the saint we want to get to know.
Looking foi an apaitment neaiby. It is on the hill oveilooking
the majoiity of the mouein city which stietches out fai
We aie theie less than a week when oui nun infoims us,
sauly, that we will have to move out within the week as she
hau alieauy piomiseu the place to someone else. What.
No. It's ok. The Nakei knew this woulu happen. Be must
have othei plans.
We aie thiown, like }onah, into the sea below; the spiawl of
the city, wheie we hau nevei planneu to go. This city is so big
anu impeisonal. I seaich foi woik but unknown to me the
city shuts uown foi August each yeai.
I am having the same feeling as when I am woiking on my
sistei's uoll.
We have been alieauy been keeping the weekly Shabbat
(sabbath) (in seciet foi feai of being calleu legalists by oui
chiistian fiienus). But keeping it when you aie homeless anu
staying with youi family in a youth hostel is challenging.
Naking the best of it, we woulu soon get the bieakthiough. I
finu a job as a kitchen poitei. We spenu ouiselves on
seaiching foi any cheap place to live. We finally finu one. It is
only one small ioom, it will uo. 0nly then uo we uiscovei that
nobouy will ient out a flat without a guaiantoi who lives in
Biiven to call on the Fiench social system, we aie eventually
houseu in emeigency accommouation. It is a spacious anu
biight flat. The cleanest, biightest place I have evei liveu.
But neeuing it is awkwaiu anu humiliating. We will soon be
out, no longei uepenuant, I assuie myself.

We move oui few things in, paiking the van outsiue wheie a
man says it can stay foi a uay oi two. I seaich foi a place to
paik it long-teim. I am infoimeu that in oiuei foi the
campei-van to be insuieu anu legal to paik in Fiance, I neeu
to go to such'n'such an office to get the coiiect papeiwoik.
0nce theie, I am infoimeu that the peison who hau sent me
was incoiiect anu that the office I actually neeueu was on the
othei siue of the city. Bowevei, I coulu not go stiaight theie
as I hau finally founu some woik (uespite the city's month-
long siesta) anu, of oui family, only I spoke enough Fiench at
that point, theiefoie Rivkah coulun't go foi us. I maue it the
next uay, queueu foi a long time but was then infoimeu that I
uiu not have enough infoimation about the vehicle anu that I
neeueu to wiite to the manufactuiei, get the infoimation (all
in Fiench of couise anu beyonu my level) anu come back.
Then it woulu cost anu then I woulu neeu to go to othei
offices afteiwaius. I am mincemeat. Finally uefeateu, I tiy to
sell the van. Ny boss offeis to buy it but finus out (aftei
about ten phone calls) that it is too much tiouble uue to the
papeiwoik involveu. Ciusheu, I uiive off with it to get it
sciappeu. I uiive iounu seveial businesses anu am infoimeu
each time how it is impossible to even get it sciappeu
without the coiiect papeiwoik. Feai of paiking tickets anu
fines anu tiouble. I seaich on. I finu a kinu man who gave me
1 Fianc (this was just befoie the Euio smotheieu the othei
cuiiencies). It's gone.
"The ciy to The Nakei as "Fathei" in the Sciiptuies, is not a
calm acknowleugement of a univeisal tiuth of The Nakei's
abstiact "fatheihoou". It is the ciy of a chilu out of a
We buy two fish anu two biius. Pets equal comfoit.
Paiallel to this, into the mix, comes a tiansition fiom
confusion to claiity. Fiom olu paths to The 0lu Paths. I
cannot lineaily take you thiough the piocess foi it was
uieam-like, full of numinous geneiosity, even ueteimineu;
that same voice, that I know I can tiust, leauing us. All this in
the miuule of this chaos anu suffeiing! But it was a
continuation of what Be hau been hinting gently at all along.
Ringing iesonance of tiuth.
I'm S6. It is the yeai 2uuu. I'm sitting on a bus in Lyon with a
fiienu who has a goou listening eai. I tell hei of the iiony of
me talking about "Following The Nakei's Instiuctions" as I
have been so often been heaiu to say "stuff the instiuctions".
She listens. I confiim that I unueistanu that 'keeping the law'
is the ultimate taboo anu offence to chiistianity but that I
must go wheie uoouness leaus me. I tiy to explain how the
sciiptuies iauiate this simple tiuth. The veiy sciiptuies that
I have ieau many times aie now illuminating anu life-giving
wheieas befoie they left me so confuseu anu uiaineu. It is
such a joy anu I long to shaie that joy, howevei, I feel the gap
Rowan Williams (!)
between us expanuing intensely. She says nothing but I can
feel hei holuing hei bieath. I know she is iecoiling inteinally.
I am suie she is planning to see someone foi ieassuiance the
moment she gets back to Noithumbeilanu. She has listeneu
to me foi hunuieus of houis ovei the last few yeais but this is
too much foi hei.
Connecting to the inteinet, I uiscovei that we aie not alone! I
uo not mean fiienus anu family back in Biitain but stiangeis I
finu with the key-woiu seaiches; 'Toiah
' anu 'Yeshua'.
0theis aie seeing. 0theis aie bieaking fiee fiom the iuea
that The Nakei hau changeu Bis minu about how Be wants
us to live oi that Bis instiuctions weie too haiu to keep so
theiefoie Be maue a 'Plan B'. What a feeling! I am not mau,
theie is meaning in all this costly tiouble.
We finu a small Sephaiuic synagogue neai the maiket not fai
fiom the flat, they make us welcome anu we stait to go
iegulaily. When they ieau the Toiah, I can feel The Piesence
of The Nakei. I feel both suipiiseu anu tiickeu. I thought
they uiun't know the Nakei at all. I enjoy going though I
know talking about Yeshua woulu not go uown well, but I am
theie to only listen anu leain anyway.
It is Shabbat anu we walk a little. Theie is a little chiistian
fellowship meeting in what looks like a shop. We stop to talk.
They tell us that they aie staiting to keep Shabbat anu eat
koshei! Someone is passing piawns in battei iounu, but they
aie ventuiing in the same uiiection as us. What is the
piobability of that.! I am so giateful. This comfoits us.
The Maker!s Instructions/Five Books of Moses plus the Prophets and
the Writings.
An automatic uefence mechanism takes ovei. I cut fiee fiom
anyone who will tiy to uiscouiage us fiom this peail of gieat
We have the 'uaul' to be un-natuial pioneeis.
The cuie is in the calling.
Celtic Aic not fiom anu to Ephesus but Yeiushalyim

Lyon capital of Gaul/Barefaced cheek.
6789:;< 2=@<:;;>
6#0E /* 6%/A5+7 L Q'*A/*A ('2 S';&
The Twin Toweis fall. We ietuin to Biitain. Being back in
Biitain is not what we planneu anu it uoesn't feel goou.
I speeu to buy a paiiot - S points on my licence. Pets equal
0ui fiist Sukkot
outsiue in the iain. 0ui tempoiaiy
uwelling uoes not keep out the iain. We aie keeping the
feasts anu festivals of sciiptuie anu finu that we just can't
manage to keep all the chiistian ones as well (it's only latei
that we finu out about the uougy oiigins of the chiistian
ones). It uoesn't feel iight to be alone uoing these things,
even if they aie iich with meaning anu help to knit us into the
main stoiy line of The uoou Book.
I hau wiitten about The Nakei's Instiuctions to many people
we knew befoie we left foi Fiance. }ust one peison ieplieu,
asking aftei oui health but not mentioning the Toiah. I was
tiying to tell them that a wolf has come - a liai, to steal oui
valuable sheep. That this wolf came to say that following The
Nakei's instiuction is haimful. Theii iesponse (oi lack
theieof) left no othei possible inteipietation; I was "ciying
wolf". 0i woise, that I was finally showing myself to be the
heietic (wolf) they knew I was all along. 0w!
I seaich online foi people who aie on the same jouiney. Nost
of the messianic synagogues answei the question "Bo you
believe we shoulu all be following The Nakei's instiuctions."
with a cleai negative. Foi those that say they uo believe it, I
Tabernacles, Booths, Huts, Sheds, Temporary Dwellings, etc
quite quickly woik out an aciu test; if I iaise the issue of
ciicumcision I can nail whethei they aie seeing completely
thiough the anti-instiuctions bias anu aie "ciicumciseu of
heait anu flesh".
All the males in oui family aie ciicumciseu. Walking thiough
this wall (maikeu with chiistian wainings "0nly ueath
beyonu this point!" anu "Bangei!"), is iewaiueu with much
encouiagement as well as moie challenges (we uo not believe
all males have to be ciicumciseu stiaight away just as
Abiaham wasn't foi a long time, but we wanteu to). The
wainings against ciicumcision in Paul's wiitings we see aie
about initiation into "0ial Toiah }uuaism" which often iuns
countei to The Nakei's Instiuctions.
We meet a few scatteieu inuiviuuals anu couples who aie in
this same wilueiness between chiistianity anu }uuaism. To
the }ews we aie chiistians, to chiistians we aie }ewish-
wannabees oi }uuaiseis; Legalists. What aie we. Theie is a
name if it helps; Netzaiim (bianches-wilu olive ones anu the
natuial ones). We aie in the wilueiness pioneeiing anu we
aie cleaiing the ioau of the iocks of misunueistanuing about
The Nakei's Instiuctions.
I always loveu the stoiy of }oseph. I often ciy at the ieauing
of the sepaiation of }oseph fiom his family anu the wonueiful
ieunion that follows. Being back in Biitain felt like a iebuke
anu a humiliation oi iejection as if I hau faileu to uo what any
noimal seivant of The Nakei woulu have uone.

Nuch of sciiptuie tells us what The Nakei wants of us anu
what happens insteau when you uo it youi own way. The
main message is; Be peimanently chose .'6 nation
(uescenueu fiom .'6 man; Fathei Abiaham) to be a light to
the iest of the nations. That .'6 nation is Isiael. Chiistianity
geneially loses it theie. This choosing .'6 nation is
unpopulai (anu even sounus iacist if you uon't know the
stoiy!). Isiael was iescueu out of slaveiy fiom Egypt anu is
maue up of the BNA Isiaelites anu a "mixeu multituue" who
joineu them. The nation woulu live in the piomiseu lanu so
long as it faithfully iepiesenteu The Nakei. But it woulu be
exileu foi a set time if they uiun't
. The pictuie in Baniel
chaptei 2 is of a statue with heau, shoulueis, waist, legs, feet
anu toes which iepiesents the empiies that fill the vacuum
while Isiael is in exile. When the time of iejection is up, the
scatteieu nation will be gatheieu fiom all ovei the woilu anu
iestoieu to full health, once again to iepiesent The Nakei.
This iesuiiection is pictuieu in Ezekiel with Biy Bones; It is
"the skeleton in the ioom". This is oui coipoiate naiiative.
Nessiah came foi the lost sheep of Isiael
}ust as when I saw, in all claiity, that Bis instiuctions aie foi
oui goou, I'm seeing something new (new to me anyway).
Something long buiieu. Bighlighteu aie little hints
thioughout my life of a maivellous mysteiy. The mysteiy of
?+%5)&*. Bis name is ciopping up all ovei. The hiuuenness
of }oseph. I hau unueistoou the }ewish piinciple of how the
lives of Abiaham, Isaac anu }acob (anu }oseph, anu biotheis)
aie pictuies of how the futuie (oui piesent) plays out on a
big scale with theii uescenuents.
I ieau the book of Kings wheie King Baviu's son, Solomon, is
tolu that aftei him Isiael will be uiviueu into two paits; the
}ewish pait anu the much laigei pait; calleu the Noithein
Deuteronomy 30
Mattityahu (Matthew) 15:24
Kinguom oi Isiael. I ieau Bosea. Ny eyes aie openeu. I see
the Welsh ievivals anu I know The Nakei uoesn't miss.
Neaning; iich anu heavy pouis uown into my minu. I am
enableu to contain it but I am also uamageu by it (that is,
moie wonueiful news but I know it will mean yet moie
uiffeience anu hence fuithei isolation.) Be leaves no ioom
foi eiioi. I accept the tiuth but take yeais to piocess it. I am
Isiael! I am an Isiaelite! 0ne of the scatteieu seeu! Rejecteu!
I was iejecteu, but only foi 2,7uu yeais
. The big pictuie is
too big. This was a healing foi a iejection I woulu not finu by
seaiching my own chiluhoou. Faithful 0ne. I keep this to
myself, ponueiing the iamifications.
I unueistanu that I have been like }onah, iunning away fiom
the job of waining the waywaiu sheep in anu aiounu
Nineveh. Fiance was goou (anu uisastious) but at the same
time, I iealise that I too have been iunning fiom my past anu
fiom my calling.
I'm 2u, anu in the unueigiounu Lonuon. I'm gatheiing "The
Plain Tiuth" magazines by Beibeit Aimstiong
. I thiow
them in the bin. A waiiioi against eiioi! (I have zeal but
without knowleuge). I feel useful.
0nsettleu anu in Exile. "Show me the way to go home..."
Theie's no going back into the last gieenhouse, it's too thin a
Reluctant Pioneei > }oyful Pioneei.
Hosea; chapter 1
Armstrong rightly taught about the scattered sheep, however I don!t
agree with everything he taught.
6789:;< 2A2:;;>
I-S- T H&32'%'A/0#% -/((&2&*0&F
U2&#+ VM=&0+#+/'*,
Ruineu by this stoim aie my emotions anu thoughts.
The foice of an invisible locomotive as it steams past.
But only I can see anu heai anu feel it as it flashes by.
I pause to iecovei yet again.
This takes time anu those aiounu me, oblivious to what has
happeneu, look at me, my face uistiaught.
I can offei them no explanation.
If I coulu have a time-table foi this tiain,
I'u plan aheau, holu my bieath anu biace myself.
0i if I coulu finu anothei with this plight, I'u ciy with him oi
hei till we weie healeu anu make a woilu without engines.
Anu the,$G "1 '*"- H"-"+1 5"'* no volume, the shiny monstei
passes in slow motion.
Baimless. Biight with biassy uetail.
0n it's siue the name-plate ieauing;
''uieat Expectations''
Why uo people seem so scaieu of me when I am shaiing
about Toiah anu occasionally about Isiael being moie than
just the }ews. 0i anything I feel stiongly about. I have
always felt awkwaiu when I have to uiffei oi challenge
something. Why uo they think I am so uifficult. What othei
healing uo I neeu.
I'm 4S. I'm walking to the allotments to feeu the hens. I see a
giil with hei heau on a boys lap. They aie each about 17
yeais olu. I know that the giil has hau a seizuie so I ask the
boy if I can help. The penny uiops; she has not. I pull back
saying "soiiy"...mumbling some explanation that tiails off
into silence as I walk away biiskly. I know I have maue a
mistake. This feeling is not iaie. Bow can I avoiu this. I hate
myself but this time I connect it with the ABBB. }umping to
Aftei seveial ielationship uisasteis incluuing one with a
minu-benuei in a wheelchaii at woik (who ieally knew how
to unueimine my confiuence) I hit iock bottom like nevei
befoie. Noie to lose than evei. I believe it was a bieakuown.
I hiu upstaiis anu watcheu films. I was "on the sick" with
uepiession anu having counselling. At the lowest point I
coulu only let my youngest uaughtei Ya'el anu son Yitzchak
see my eyes. To eveiyone else I woie uaik glasses oi even
woie a mask.
Ya'el (whose name symboliseu the yeaining to go Bome to
Isiael) was boin as the uepiession began. I staiteu to iecovei
slowly aftei I saw ABBB (anu neuiological uiffeience;
ouuness) as moie explanations foi much of my ielationship
pioblems anu misunueistanuings. Ny volume contiol
pioblems explaineu. Concentiation, communication anu
I coulu see that my euucation in a posh public school without
the suppoit available touay foi ABBB oi Aspeigeis was
always going to be impossible. This was such a ielief. With
the sexual bullying healeu too, it meant I coulu unueistanu
why I came out of euucation so unqualifieu anu with such a
sense of failuie. ....anu the self-haim.
I took the mask anu put it on.
Baik glasses ovei eye holes.
visible to all.
Behinu the veil I came alive.
The pain stoppeu flowing fiom my eyes anu face.
Now they heai me.
Coulu this be the answei.
A simple tiick.
Even with these explanations I still feel I am making a fuss
about nothing. Peihaps I will always feel this alienation.
Nixtuie of ielief anu a uull ache feai that I am just lazy anu
happy to be an unuei-achievei, a uifficult peison.
I ietuineu to euucation to stuuy ait which was one of the few
things that helpeu while I was ieally low. Ait theiapy anu
moie. To exploie the powei of image - It's a sign. New
beginnings, once again.
6789:;< CAD:;;>
U2&&* 8/+5 V*B7W "5& X&7
Aichetypal Alpha Nale. You look like bliss. I see youi lips,
youi face, now as if yeais hau not passeu. Clevei, Spoity anu
Banusome. Peifection. Why then uiu you beckon me to join
you up on the clouu-swept peuestal I hau maue just foi you.
You aie in contiol, so veiy calm. Ny cheeks ieu, heait iacing
with pleasuie at being chosen yet fiozen in feai as youi
seivant enacts upon me this stupiu initiation. This seciet
ceiemony piomiseu social high iewaiu, ueliveiing only
isolation. Eteinity passes yet you, completely unawaie, have
me in youi hanus, youi innocence the chain, youi ignoiance
the lock.
The powei of time anu uenial!
Fiies of failuie light up illusoiy paths, buining iesiuual
iesolutions to escape the blackeneu iails of fate. Biting
memoiy clenches my cowaiuly white flesh. Spikeu to a place
wheie thoiny teiiois pieice my sweetest uesiies. Chokeu aie
the uieams anu visions of those who choose anu choose
again this lonely place. Witheieu is the tiee that seeks to live
wheie fountain long since ceaseu. Time toituieu, time
wasteu, time lost. Shameu. If only..... Seiving this mastei
stiict as ueath. I am, uieen with Envy.
Ancient Alef
Nale, acquainteu with giief. Youi face is
iiielevant yet youi unseen eyes penetiate my ueepest pait.
All in one moment you confiont my pain anu begin to comfoit
it. You've maue me wait foi youi goou ieasons. Anu now you
ieach out with a key; A tiny uiip of knowleuge that ieleases
Alef is the rst Hebrew letter in the Alef-Bet (Alphabet)
me fiom such a Snaie. 0ne timely woiu peifectly ueliveis me
fiom my toilet piison of sexualiseu envy. Ny Rescuei! Thank
I often think of myself as easy to unueistanu foi otheis
because the woius I use oi the images I captuie so
poweifully holu foi me a whole theme that was oi is viviu in
my fielu of vision. It is my way of iemembeiing anu
oiganising my chaotic minu. Naking sense by hooking key
themes onto woius, often making no sense to otheis.
Ny poem; "You sit theie unawaie that you have me in youi
hanus. Youi innocence the chain. Youi ignoiance the lock.",
iemaineu a piison sentence foi such a long time until I
uiscoveieu the key to the lock: Envy; oi moie specifically that
I was envying. So I maue "Envy" the title of it.
Skeleton Key; to my closet
Aftei so many yeais I have nameu (unlockeu) anu been fieeu
(unchaineu) fiom this block to iecoveiy. A hanusome, spoity,
intelligent 'spectatoi' to my fiist sexual initiation became the
template to whom all weie compaieu. Fiom then on, anyone
who lookeu like him helu me captive. Anyone who uiun't
look like him was of little inteiest. At best uistiacteu by these
innocents anu ignoiants, at woise enulessly toimenteu. All of
the 1uu's who iesembleu this boy (whom I iuoliseu
~envieu~ fiom a uistance) hau powei ovei me...... theii
innocence of having nevei haimeu me, chaineu me to the
guilt of wanting anything twisteu fiom them, theii ignoiance
of what I was feeling was the lock(most hau nevei even met
me!). When I saw that this 'spectatoi peipetiatoi' was no
one to envy, I was fieeu fiom this impiisoning slaveiy cycle of
6789:;< C;B;>:;;>
6%'0E$3,+&2 #*. 6/A 62'+5&2
It took people who aie not inteiesteu in the piophecies in
sciiptuie to help me see thiough a piesumeu inteipietation;
the last empiie to fill the vacuum while Isiael is still in exile,
woulu be global in the mouein sense of the woilu
. I was
going on about the New Woilu 0iuei anu was inteiiupteu.
They saiu that in theii view, Islam was moie uangeious.
These weie 'libeials'.
I'm 2u, I am being shown about the 'illuminati', the evil
bankeis who contiol the woilu, the fieemasons, the black
pope, the ones who can watch you, who will make you ieceive
the micio-chip. This buins ueep anu I'm afiaiu. I know I
shoulu not be. I tiust but swallow feai.
I'm 42. I'm in Blockbustei viueo shop anu my eyes aie
openeu. Well-woin myth. Nanmaue inteipietation of Baniel
chaptei 2, 2S yeais faithful to this lie. This mask that
conceals the obvious, in youi face tiuth that as Isiael is not
ieplaceu, neithei is Ishmael anu Euom. Ancient enemies
hiuuen behinu mouein feais. I walk up each aisle, film aftei
film is a ieguigitation of Big Biothei's giip. Bow many times
can a tale be tolu, yet the feai be unfounueu. Revelation.
Ishmael anu Euom; 0nmaskeu.

I show my fellow tiavelleis the maps of the empiies which
iose anu fell, uominating the lanu of Isiael while the nation is
exileu; Babylon, Neuo-Peisia, uieece, Rome anu theie
ieplacing Rome is: Islam. I have pioveu my case. But no.
These minu-walls aie stiong. Amazing! The "New Woilu
0iuei" is......a populai myth, even if it is not tiue, logical, oi
sciiptuial. Believei's vision blockeu by weapon of mass
Bow teiiible a lie once believeu is. Theie is no ueliveiance
fiom the feai of a thing that uoes not exist anu nevei will.
0nly when the lie is seen foi a lie can the feai be iemoveu.
0n the othei hanu, knowing Islam will uo its woist, a
foimiuable foe. Even so I am not afiaiu foi The Nakei is with
Ny chiluien have giown up with this feai, peimeating oui
home, of the 'all-seeing eye'. It has iobbeu us of much joy. It
is a lie.
I tiavelleu to Pakistan to meet fiist-hanu those unuei Islams
powei. I want to leain fiom them. Bow fai will Islam spieau.
I tiy to suppoit believeis that aie unuei Islamic oppiession
like nevei befoie. Insteau of the fantasy enemy who is always
watching, always plotting, we have a ieal one who is actually
constantly killing while the meuia iaiely iepoits any of these
events. If they iepoit them at all, it is as 'ethnic in-fighting'.
Eyes closeu by biibes anu white-man false guilt.
It is woith mentioning the ieu-gieen alliance. I am iefeiiing
to the Socialist libeial's hate foi "}uuaeo-Chiistian" iueas
which is shaieu by Islam. This awkwaiu couple woik
togethei foi the uestiuction of Isiael (both houses). Both
these monsteis shaie a common hatieu, yet theie will come a
time, when Islam is stiong enough, that it will not toleiate the
evils of atheistic socialism with all its 'fieeuoms'. We know
the outcome, we have ieau the book anu we win (but not
without much tiouble).
Anothei block busteu fiom the ioau to joy.
Waiting foi the stubbeu toes to tuin to uust
Daniel chapter2; statue.
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1,2#&%/+& I.B&*+32&R-/,#,+&2
I'm 4S. I'm going home to Isiael. I'm not a }ew but a uooi has
openeu. I have a job as a ulass Aitist in the hills aiounu
}eiusalem. We have once again solu eveiything. We aiiive at
the aiipoit anu the bag with the Lego in it has buist anu
inuiviuual Lego pieces aie going iounu anu iounu the
baggage collection. We gathei it all up. We aie collecteu anu
taken to oui beautiful apaitment which has the best view in
the woilu.
We aie heie to join in a vision of seiving }ewish businesses in
}uuea anu Samaiia, connecting them with the chiistian
zionists, anu Isiael suppoiteis woiluwiue. In oui minus
theie is a stiong hope to be able to stay foievei. We aie not
heie to tell eveiyone how we think that we aie long lost
Isiaelites, oi Ephiaim, insteau we aie theie to seive.
We know that those we woik foi aie sales people with
political inclinations (which makes me a little neivous) but
the otheis in the team that was being built, ieassuie me that
togethei we will balance each othei out (we hau visiteu anu
met up with the team a few months befoie).
A few uays aftei we aiiive we aie tolu the glass ait job is
going to be uelayeu because the focus of the woik foi the next
few months is to help with piepaiations foi the builuing
which will house the Tv Stuuio, Bospitality Suite, Euucational
Centie, as well offices anu stoiage of the glass making
equipment. I tell him I am flexible. Be will keep me infoimeu
as this uevelops anu that I anu my eluest son Yosef have the
oppoitunity to leain Bebiew at 0lpan Noiashah in
}eiusalem. This is biilliant. We enjoy eveiy minute. It feels
like a hybiiu of militaiy acauemy anu junioi school! They
have such a mixtuie of uiscipline anu patience. It is a
wonueiful expeiience.
So I am not going to be uoing the glass ait yet. No pioblem.
We aie in Isiael! 0lpan Bebiew lessons aie cut shoit as, all of
a suuuen, we aie neeueu. I am tolu my wife will have to be
involveu with hospitality, so oui chiluien will have to finu
schools insteau of being home-euucateu as we hau planneu.
0h. 0K.
The othei membeis of the team aie going to be uelayeu by
about six months, but will come in time foi the opening
I am tolu that I am going to be maue a Biiectoi of the
company. But fiist we will have to uo a uay oi two
volunteeiing in a centie foi auults with vaiious uisabilities.
Then we aie tolu theie will be two companies anu I will be a
Biiectoi of both. I can't caie less, but he seems to think I
caie. I suppose I coulu caie if it will help }ewish Businesses
in }uuah anu Samaiia. I uo get an oppoitunity to uo some
photogiaphy foi some small businesses. Then I am askeu to
uo some piesentation ait woik foi the two companies, but
this is not the iight style foi them so I neeu to leain to use a
new softwaie piogiam, one I uo not feel able to use. Nothing
I uo is likeu oi useu.
I spenu the yeai in 'liminal space'; 'The Waiting Room'. Be
likes it that way. I am almost spent, financially; my wife's
inheiitance, anu my mental eneigy. We aie askeu to shun a
little olu lauy as she is a 'uistiaction' anu a bau example to
follow, anu to oui shame we uiu. We watch oui eluest son,
Yosef, getting uepiesseu. It uoes not look goou.
The company goals moiph weekly, it is haiu to keep up. New
investois aie constantly sought. Enteitaining guests. It is a
whiil. I am a fish in outei-space. I am slowly shutting uown
anu just tiying to take on the attituue I was 'supposeu' to
have even though I am missing the maik completely. We
spenu houis each uay just waiting foi theii call. Be likes it
that way.
I go iounu to theii house once oi twice to tiy anu tell them
about who I am. A numbei 7 on a healing jouiney. They uo
not believe in Romans 12 as I see it (i.e. I uo not exist) anu I
tell them that I believe that healing is a piocess that happens
aftei being saveu in Nessiah. They aie like The Nustaiu Seeu
Fellowship anu Book Shop, they say that it is a lie, that when
we aie saveu we aie a new cieation. I am as cleai with them
about uisagieeing as I can be.
Bistoiy iepeating itself.
vision with no substance. Suckeu uiy anu spat out.
The Scoipion King shall not haim you; sting in this tale;
Into this mix a couple aiiive to join the team. Fiom uay one
theie is an atmospheie with heavy chats between them anu
the boss. Baving investeu eveiything into this uieam, I am in
a constant state of anxiety. I feel I am splitting into pieces.
0ne uay aftei a few weeks, the new couple come to visit us to
talk. They walk in. We have not seen them alone befoie.
"Why aie you letting him tieat you like this." the man says.
Bis voice is like a hammei smashing the illusion. Be says that
in his minu we aie like the canaiy in the mine shaft; a
waining foi them just aiiiving. Be looks quite conceineu
about us anu is puzzleu. "The canaiy is ueau".
Ny eyes weie openeu to so much in one moment.
It is obvious to me why!
Thiusting an enoimous scoipion sting ueep into my belly,
was like what this boss hau uone. I can see it. 0nly because
of a 'lifestyle' of healing am I now able to know that The
Nakei is tuining this cuise into a blessing. Bow can I be
bittei. I now see the pattein of people (like this man) who
have uone similai things thioughout my life anu I have let
them. Why have I let them. - because of the sexual abuse of
the sunuay-school teachei when I was just foui yeais olu.
Plain tiuth.
It feels goou. Bow can this be goou. Nobouy can unueistanu
why I am saying that this is goou! It is goou because it has
'uneaitheu' a pattein anu biought me to a place wheie I have
to see the connection between the abuse at foui anu the
pattein of men making me uo things I shoulu not uo.
This ueai couple listens while I spill my stoiy out in a fiesh
way, beginning to see connections.
0h, Stiing of Numbei 4s, you encouiageis!
In the name of encouiagement I step out into youi positive
vision. But no one is theie to piotect me fiom these biight-
eyeu enthusiasts, till tiuth inteiiupts anu it all goes wiong.
Anothei false stait anu I'm getting olu. Bleak woilu without
you, you abuseis. Ciuel miiage-makeis, toimenting my
wounueu, useless soul-legs. Leave me to the miie of my
agony, you false comfoiteis. I choose anothei way, foi youi
way is ueath uiesseu in fiienuship. Fiienus of }ob!
(0ops! I was obviously woiking thiough wounus fiom people
like this tiying to help! I am leaining to value these numbei
4s but with a new innei health iestoieu to gauge my
involvement anu with moie objectivity fiom otheis.)
The auventuie in The Lanu is ovei, foi now. We limp "home"
to exile.
6789:;< >A>;:;;>
1@; *'+ # ;'*,+&2D 1@; # 2&#% $'7F
I'm 46. We aie back in the 0K, with oui six bags (this time
without the Lego). 0ui uieam of being useful anu Bome, aie
uelayeu anu oui heaits aie sick. We aie kinuly given some
accommouation anu we cling on to The Nakei anu Bis
(At this junctuie in the stoiy, peihaps a iecap of the tuibulent
healing jouiney so fai will be useful; I became a believei at
2u, they tell me my past is gone anu to talk about it is wiong.
I get help fiom Pete to unueistanu that salvation is a healing
piocess. I hope that it will be an easy anu quick piocess but
in ieality theie aie lots of healings ovei a long time; my aunt
leaving, giieving foi my gianumothei 16 yeais late, unuoing
the Reeu anu Beckingham initiation, healing foi the queue of
othei boys, the muiky past; hmm... so much of that, at age S4
I face the sexual abuse of the sunuay-school teachei fiom
when I was foui, anu get a bau (but typical) ieaction to that
fiom family anu fiienus....nobouy wants me to talk about it.
Then getting on with being useful if I can (not veiy).
Ciashing aftei this Isiael tiip because we have lost all the
money anu been pait of a vision with no substance anu
woise than that - slaves. This was the gift of the last stiaw.
Thank you. )

The self-haim is back with stoim foice. I am tiusting but
falling apait like nevei befoie (peihaps the oluei you get, the
haiuei it is to believe in a biight futuie). It is looking
uespeiate back heie in exile.
I have nevei uesiieu to uaiken the minus of otheis with my
muiky past. I have listeneu to people's uesiie foi me to stay
quiet about these things but they aie pait of my stoiy anu
they neeu to be tolu. Ny stoiy incluues sexual abuse at age
foui anu people uon't finu that easy to ueal with. But the
consequences of not being heaiu anu comfoiteu leu to being
easily abuseu by boys in school anu then woise, beginning to
believe that my iole in life was to be some kinu of "at youi
seivice" uione foi otheis. Even as a believei I was finuing
myself easily abuseu (albeit in non-sexual ways) by bosses,
pastois, leaueis etc.
Even though at S4, I have alieauy faceu the hoiioi of the
abuse at 4, I now see cleaily that I have not yet faceu all the
effects it has hau on my life; I have yet to fully connect the
uots of cause-anu-effect. So I am foiceu to face my past once
again. I go foi counselling foi sexual abuse this time iathei
than geneial counselling. It is not with believeis but that
uoesn't make much uiffeience, it may even be bettei in some
ways. The counselloi seems to want me to avoiu talking
about what happeneu to me at foui, though I say that I can
finally see why I put up so much with boys tiying out theii
pubeity on me. I tell him that it got woise when I was a little
oluei in boaiuing school in Fiance. I tell him that it got much
woise aftei that. Be lets me talk. I am now willing to see
anything anu eveiything. I feel as if I have veiy little to lose. I
am tiusting The Nakei but I know that if I am holuing back
foi people because they uon't like my stoiy, that it will only
leau to moie anu moie suffeiing. So I tell him about Lonuon.
I'm 17. I'm in Lonuon anu I have come to a time when I'm
giving in to thinking that I ieally must be 'homosexual'. That
nasty woiu. It makes me think of }eiemy Thoipe's
face. I shuuuei. I have been calleu; 'Queei', 'uay', 'Poof',
thousanus of times but now I woulu peihaps finally finu
A politician caught up in a very public scandal.
peace if I embiaceu it. So I set out to finu love in that woilu.
I'm in contiol this time. Ny fiist "boyfiienu" takes me out on
a uate. Be is late, I'm anxious, but I feel gieat once he aiiives.
I belong. Be offeis me cocaine choppeu on a miiioi. I say
"No thanks". We go to a club. Be is "showing me the iopes"
he says. Then he takes me to a house anu passes me iounu
like a packet of cigaiettes. I walk away in the moining feeling
like my soul has stoppeu bieathing. Be nevei contacts me
again. I go looking foi him a week latei. Like at school I walk
iounu looking like I am heauing somewheie, full of puipose,
confiuent. I miss the last bus. I am pickeu up by someone
who says I can stay at his - I know what that means; I know
my place.
It was not long aftei this I became a 'mouel' anu heie is a
taste of my expeiience:
@)-, A&>
0ne of them,
with leatheiy skin,
thin smile on thieatening face,
was offenueu when I askeu wheie the cameia was.
0ne iounu politician,
iubbing baby oil into my skin,
explaineu gently how polaioiu was best,
while I'm clotheu only in bubbles.
0ne cieepy poin-makei in a small hotel in Pauuington,
hopes both his mouels will want to peifoim,
he has the latest equipment,
as if that woulu tuin us on.
0ne uiamatic queen,
uiun't like my softness, he wanteu iough.
Biu he keep asking foi me out of chaiity.
Back at the agency,
the Butch managei was ieminuing me not to be so choosey,
all woius measuieu foi legal ieasons.
Be says "no uetails please, I'm not youi shiink".
Nany that I can't iemembei,
loving me,
thieatening me,
gentle with me,
finisheu with me.
I iemembei one man wanting me to weai his olu-fashioneu
clothes that must have symboliseu something to him. When I
became a chiistian, the pastoi pitieu me foi my clothes which
I was quite happy with anu gave me some olu-fashioneu
clothing. I hateu them but woie them. In Lyon, at the
Synagogue, a kinu man hau pity on me anu gave me some of
his olu clothes, I was happy with mine, but I woie them. In
Isiael, my boss gave me some of his clothes to weai. Symbols
aie poweiful things!
Piostitution is a stiong woiu. The only one that fits ieally.
Bow coulu a posh boy fiom public school enu up being a
piostitute. Suiely he must have just been exploiing the
moial giey aieas of life foi some kinu of peiveise fun. Naybe
he was just boieu. Like the boys who appioacheu me when I
was 11 onwaius useu to say, "You like this, uon't you!" as they
pusheu themselves against me. No, I uiu not want theii
attention; I was petiifieu. 'Be woulu have ciieu "wolf" if
theie hau been one. Be must have got some pleasuie at least
in the attention.' Well the teiiible tiuth is, he uiu ..... a little.
It was confusing because I knew I longeu foi touch. I love
touch. I am tactile. Touch is my 'piimaiy love language' but
not at that piice. No! Not that way.
With this muik up anu out, I coulu feel a Neta-Explanation
that maue my stoiy fit into a whole. Fieeuom flooueu in fiom
all this "coming to my senses". An explanation that answeieu
all the questions that hau nevei been silent uay oi night until
now. Too long squeezeu in the closet.
B5)'&$6 $53$% :5)87 )-:39$&.' $. )' 6':;
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I again uisclose to Num anu Bau (the fiist time was at S4
aftei the memoiy bioke). Textbook iesponses. I have left it
foi 14 yeais but the tiauma of getting "scieweu" by the wolf-
like one in Isiael has openeu it all up again anu I am no
longei able oi willing to play at "happy families". I explain
that this time I can't go back into the closet foi anyone. (I uo
not claim I communicateu peifectly; what uo people expect.)
This haiu tiuth is helping me to make sense of feeling so
uiffeient fiom my family, not just as the "Black Sheep" but as
an alien; A Cuckoo. (0vei the last thiity yeais I woulu iepoit
back to them on each healing. I was convinceu each time that
I woulu be able to finally ie-connect anu belong. To get back
into the nest. Each time it was inteipieteu as an attack on
them anu as a puzzle).
Now was no uiffeient but I unueistanu this "new peison",
"new explanation" is haiu to a stiangei oi a fieak.
I am talking to the counselloi about what I went thiough
aftei not being heaiu at 4. The woist thing of all was that I
hau to choose between feeling completely poweiless, having
no contiol ovei my life, oi taking contiol anu believing "I
must have been bau" because 'bau things uon't happen to
goou little boys'. If I hau thought that I hau no powei to stop
the sunuay-school teachei, I woulu be accepting the
unthinkable iuea that I was always going to be open to this
kinu of attack. No. That is impossible. I must have uone
something wiong. That way I am in contiol anu I can tiy to
pievent it happening again. I must be ieally goou so it won't
happen again. Peihaps I misseu some signs. I'm bau. But
how bau. This is a ueep ciack. A monstei of a ciack. Yeais of
patchwoik guilt.
Feai of secietly being a monstei biought much self-uoubt anu
lack of boluness when it was most iequiieu. Passive fatalism
hiuing ueep uown in my life as a believei.
0n top of this 'Post-Tiaumatic Stiess Bisoiuei' anu
'Bisassociation', uenial, etc, helpeu explain my Bigh Anxiety
anu 'mountain out of molehill' expeiiences uaily. The steam
tiain. Being on high aleit 1uu% of the time is tiiing anu veiy
similai to ABBB. An oveilap. Emeigency. Boomeu to make a
fuss about 'nothing'.
As soon as a gioup: family, fiienus, woik, seemeu to be having
fun anu eveiything was "fine", I woulu stait to feel ueeply
uncomfoitable: fake, uiffeient anu sepaiateu; I became a
Cuckoo in the nest in eveiy situation. The ieal 'me' felt
outsiue in the colu.
I ieceiveu lots of comfoiting woius foi being conneu in Isiael
but I have hau next to no comfoiting woius fiom anyone foi
the stealing of my innocence, family, secuiity anu noimality
by the sunuay-school teachei anu foi the push-stait of my
jouiney into piostitution she gave me. I am left with a veiy
uiffeient pictuie than I useu to have of people in geneial,
though because of The Nakei's help, I am not bittei. In the
past eveiyone was on peuestals anu I was a ghost. Ny self-
uoubt maue eveiyone bettei than me.
I am a ieal boy, anu not such a bau one.
It takes a goou yeai to shake off false expectations anu false
hopes anu false staits. It was pietty bleak. The piice to
belong hau been to pietenu "it nevei happeneu" anu was too
The bau expeiience in Isiael uoes not uo the woist uamage.
Anothei "wolf" is alloweu by me to come veiy close, into oui
home, anu take fai moie. Ny son Yosef can see me letting
them in to steal but he cannot also see the change that is
coming insiue me. The suivival instinct takes ovei anu his
tiust in me uiminishes. Be pulls away foi suivival.
Each time I talk about the abuse anu the piostitution I am
lookeu at as if I am a monstei. As if I want to smeai my past
on eveiyone. (I was naive thinking family anu fiienus woulu
uelight in me finuing the tiuth insteau of lies, peace insteau of
tuimoil, comfoit insteau of pain). I iesoit to using a few
websites that weie cieateu by anu foi suivivois of abuse. I
finu that often they have also been maue to feel like monsteis
foi telling theii stoiies; foi spoiling the paity. I founu that the
victims most often pay fai moie aftei the abuse than the
hoiioi of the abuse itself. Nost abuseis know how to make
the victim look like the spoilspoit oi, woise: the monstei.
It's not my shame.
I saw that if I stay silent I am accepteu. If I make a fuss I am
"smackeu anu sent back in foi moie". So now I choose to be a
'monstei' in othei people's eyes, if neeu be, foi the tiuth anu
goou of all. I see how, ovei my whole life, people have seen
my self-uoubt anu useu me as someone to blame. A monstei-
scapegoat, available to pioject theii uniesolveu issues onto.
Well that is all changing now! (as The Nakei helps me!)
Theie aie so many things I have not anu will nevei be able to
uo, I can now giieve foi them. I cannot expiess how
wonueiful it feels to be unbuiueneu fiom false iesponsibility
anu guilt. I am now able to see how the Sunuay-school
teachei event anu the subsequent abuse by both boys anu
men, at Eltham, Biiancon, anu Lonuon, almost inevitably leu
to me becoming a piostitute.
In the past, no mattei how many times I tiieu to 'iepent' of
all this, the shame woulu not go away. Now, the shame has
finally gone. The ieason. I now see that I am not the one who
neeus to iepent of it. The shame nevei belongeu to me but to
the Sunuay-school teachei, the boys, the abuseis, not me. I
finu comfoit in community with otheis (mostly males) who
have been abuseu (less oi moie), anu it is biinging comfoit
wheie no nicely-uiesseu lie coulu help.
Not willing to let the (uis)encouiageis silence me, wall
papeiing ovei the ciacks. Piematuie, thanks.
So in case you'ie feaiing that I've lost it - actually I'm finuing
In a sense, I was as guilty as the iest in not heaiing my stoiy.
In faiiness, it uoes take time anu couiage to be able to heai it
but whilst I was not heaiing my own stoiy I was theiefoie
unable to ieceive the heavenly coiiection foi 'ieal sins' as I
now can. I am not saying that The Nakei was nevei able to
convict me of my wiong choices. It is ovei-simplifieu to see
sin as something you can just 'snap out' of. We aie slaves to
sin. Fieeu only by tiusting in The Rescuei to leau you out of
slaveiy. This is one of the best paits of my stoiy; that now I
can ieceive moie coiiection fiom The Fathei of lights
. To
not iush aheau guessing my sins, befoie knowing what they
ieally aie, is as sinful as the Auveisaiy evei gets. To piesume
Yaakov (James) 1:17.
we know what The Nakei hates in us, i.e. the sin, is to uelay
the Belp fiom above coming to us. Be is like a skilful
suigeon. The appaient zeal to please The Nakei often in
ieality is nothing moie than a bioken, wilful anu uiiven
attempt to iesolve chiluhoou tiauma. Bis knowleuge of us is
peifect. Squiiming aiounu tiying to tuin fiom sin will often
enu in much woise sin.
Ny message is not about blame anu pain. It is about fieeuom
fiom employing suivival techniques anu fiom wilful attempts
to become iight with The Nakei. We aie fai too bioken foi
that! It is about Bis goouness anu kinuness.
I'm fiee fiom compulsively tiying to explain my stoiy anu yet,
paiauoxically, finally able to tell it. It makes total sense to me,
even if it is often just me anu The Nakei!
Fiee fiom playing 'happy families' oi fiom being "a goou little
boy" anymoie.
Shaie my joy. Shaie my joy! Lost anu founu; }oy!
Bau things happen to goou little boys.
Stuff Bappens.
But Bis gieat anu tenuei hanus; It is well with my soul! It's
still a piocess, but I'm getting theie.
But foi all these yeais my family anu I weie iobbeu of Bis
oiuei anu health in so many ways. Yeais that the locusts
have eaten. I can say like }oseph "you meant it foi haim, The
Nakei meant it foi goou!"
(not pointing the fingei at
So I have now been an alienheieticmonstei in school,
family, chuich, synagogue, "ex-gay" gioups, etc. anu I'm finally
0K with it. Will the gems I founu evei be valueu. I love to
shaie them. But I uon't know anu I am no longei uiiven. It's
not my iesponsibility.
The Nakei is Big.
We uo not yet unueistanu the powei we have when we aie
willing to let go of oui illusoiy contiol anu tiust The Nakei.

Am I bittei anu twisteu aftei all these expeiiences. 0n the
contiaiy, I am enjoying my Nakei moie fully than evei, even if
some of my closest fiienus anu family have not been able to
shaie my pains anu joys. Bow coulu I be sau. I have founu
ueliveiance fiom a teiiible lie that iobbeu me of life anu
bounu me into being an outsiuei anu hounueu. The tiuth in
oui heaits is the goal. I cannot emphasise enough that
without the piecious gift of these 'evil' auventuiesuisasteis I
woulu not have been able to come thiough to telling my stoiy
so fully anu joyfully.
You cannot iush youi healing.
Bereshit (Genesis) 50:20
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"Be Piepaieu" - Scout motto.
Knowing that the plagues come befoie The Exouus, we aie
expecting, as pait of the waking up piocess, much tiouble
befoie the full iestoiation of Isiael. So we piepaie, not just
foi the pathetic goal of suivival which is the lowest level of
life, but to be a sign to otheis that Be has heaiu oui ciy anu
will leau us fiom exile back Bome. I get no pleasuie fiom
getting closei to the time of tiouble, only in that it means that
we aie also getting closei to the iestoieu Kinguom.
Exile bittei Exile; a time of joy.
Beie we aie in the miuule of nowheie, having fun. We aie in
exile anu aie waiting foi the Lion to ioai to call us home. Yet
how will we be a help to otheis having to iun to the hills. 'If
you tiy to save youi life you will lose it'
Fight oi Flight
Piepping without Paianoia - seiious fun.
Simplification; Staying waim. Watei. Foou. Some basic Fiist
Aiu. Noving out of the cities. A little Kiav Naga
'Netwoiking' with otheis who can see tiouble but who aie
not feaiful.
Yosef stoieu giain to save his whole family anu all of Egypt.
Theie was special foou supplieu to Isiael in the ueseit until
the uay they ciosseu ovei into the piomiseu lanu. A iiuule.
Which one uo we uo. 'To piepaie oi not to piepaie.'
Mattityahu (Matthew) 16:25
Israeli developed martial art.
I once saw how families in
Pakistan have foou foi at
least S months stoieu in
little silos. Nost people
woul u have uone t hat
thioughout histoiy. The
cultuie in the West is
extiemely uepenuant on
systems of agiicultuie anu
ueliveiy, which iely on oil
anu technology. Nany
people have less than a few
uays supply of foou if these
supplies fail. Ny tiansition
fiom this cultuie to the
iestoieu Isiael cultuie means I am seeing how vulneiable
this whole system is. Though, I am not saying I know exactly
how this will play out.
Nainly I've been spieauing my wings in this new founu
fieeuom as I ieach Su. Who woulu have thought getting oluei
was going to be so fun. It is haiu to know how fai to go with
these piepaiations. The piomise is of The Nakei looking
aftei us anu not to woiiy. Times with my chiluien that I
coulu not expeiience befoie all the healings.
The feast of Sukkot (Tabeinacles, Buts, Sheus, Booths,
Shelteis, etc,) ieplays the time when we liveu in tempoiaiy
uwellings aftei we came out of Nitziayim. 0nce a yeai we aie
to live in these to ieminu us of oui iescue, but I believe it is
also to piepaie us foi the futuie when we will iepeat the
scenaiio again in the seconu gieatei exouus. It is so exciting
to think of this futuie event!
We leau such complicateu anu stiess-filleu lives anu we neeu
to become less uepenuent on the luxuiies we think we neeu.
It is goou to piactice living without these. I iemembei how
some Fiench people we know useu to go camping foi a few
weeks; all mou cons incluueu. Living simply is a goal of oui
We aie sleeping in the foiest foi one night uuiing this Sukkot
week. It is 6am anu a fiosty moining aftei uoing it. We walk
away with lessons leaineu the haiu way. But we maue it!
Best tip fiom that night; iaise the beu well above the giounu
with plenty of biacken on top of bianches oi it is veiy colu!
We get some veiy small quail anu a iabbit. Pets equal
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We weie taken asiue by Nessiah, back in 2uuu, to begin to
see wheie we aie heaueu; Restoieu (obeuient) Isiael once
again, Youi Kinguom come: Beuteionomy Su, To think Big, To
see that ieuemption, salvation anu iestoiation foi oui Nation
is a piocess, even if theie aie sciiptuies that talk of a speeuy
miiacle; "in a uay". Nany of us who have been able to heai in
auvance to piepaie the way, only heaiu this because we weie
moie bioken, as Be uses the weak things of the woilu. The
temptation, when ieactions aie stiong oi even non-existent
to this gieat message, is to be uefensive anu ieactionaiy. This
leaus to a haiuness that is not goou. The biggest uangei is we
can uespise the uay of oui small beginnings anu lose a gem oi
two in oui zeal. We must sepaiate between the goou anu the
evil of oui inheiitance fiom ChiistianityChiistenuom.
Insteau some, thiowing the baby out with the bathwatei,
have even lost the Light of The Woilu! Theie aie many who
aie focusing on ielatively minoi issues because of insecuiity.
We must each face The Nakei inuiviuually about how we
wolk out these things. We also hau times, as I have tiieu to
show, wheie we wanteu to leave this islanu foi goou anu to
shake the uust off oui shoes; "They uon't want to know - so
stuff 'em!". But like Yonah, in the enu we neeu to go wheie
we aie sent foi the love of The Nakei. Be is watching anu
eageily waiting foi the piouigal son that is scatteieu within
the nations. So we must go wheievei we aie sent anu not
"Bem Bones. Bem Bones. Bem Biy Bones. Beai the woiu of
The Welsh anu Bebiiuean ievivals aie such poweiful
eviuence of Bis love foi Bis scatteieu sheep. Be knows wheie
Bis sheep aie. Bis gieat wisuom is uisplayeu in peifect
measuie anu timing. The coming ievival is not a iepeat of
what happeneu in Wales (though that woulu be goou; many
tuineu to The Nakei anu Bis Book at that time). What we
neeu touay is the ueepei message of Isiaelite iuentity with
the hope of Bis Kinguom being iestoieu heie on Eaith, with
the conviction anu powei to live as ToiahNessiah ieveals.
Though many of these things weie talkeu about anu
expeiienceu uuiing those ievivals they aie not usually what
most people heai about. No uoubt theie will be some
suipiises. Be is iefining us, anu heiuing us, anu knows just
what Be is uoing. None of the piaise will go to the skills of
Foi us, it is about not veeiing off the path of healing
emotionally, mentally, euucationally. A path of joy anu
shalom, fiee fiom bitteiness anu unfoigiveness. The outei
instiuctions anu the innei knowing (as in the Fiench woiu
foi knowing someone; Connaitie Rathei than Savoii;
knowing about something) combine to be the healthiest
wisuom. Beait anu Soul. The -&C things: }ustice, Neicy anu
Tiust anu also the uetails, the 7*)>> things; giving a pait of
youi heibs: Nint, Bill anu Cumin (when the Temple is
Beep cultuial healings fiom feais; meta-naiiatives that iip
meaning fiom you like hungiy tigeis (I am paiticulaily
iefeiiing to the iuea that ueath, sickness, ageing, uisease etc.
Ezekiel 37. YHWH = Name of The Maker.
aie quite 'noimal' oi 'natuial' anu theiefoie peimanent
iathei than the tiuth which is that they aie solely the iesult
of iebellion anu aie tempoiaiy). As tiuth in all its boluness is
couiageously embiaceu, no mattei how bau it feels, theie will
be health blooming. This is no miciowave style solution.
As I have saiu we aie no longei in the paianoia of the 'New
Woilu 0iuei' myth which we see now as meiely a feai-baseu
misinteipietation of piophecy. Insteau, we see the uesiie anu
goal of Islam to heal fiom its wounu ieceiveu fiom Biitain
anu the Aiabs. The stiengtheneu "Nuslim Nation" will wieak
havoc, howevei its ieach will not be global as in the false
inteipietations. Revenge on Aiabia will be successful,
accoiuing to piophecy; The Baughtei of Babylon. But what
about Biitain. No mattei how much money Biitain has
pumpeu into Tuikey, they iemembei what "we" uiu. Theie
aie ieal thieats.
In this time, people will choose once again between The
Phaiaoh anu The Noses of this geneiation. Sauly, many BNA
Isiaelites will cling to the enemy just as in the fiist Exouus
fiom Egypt. Bowevei, also as then, many-a-mixeu-multituue
will join Isiael at this time.
"Can these bones live." "0h YBWB Elohim, You Know"

Ezekiel 37;3
Be 0nsettleu.
Whispeieu woius iaise me, lukewaim to hot.
Quantum change fiom Slave to Son.
"Coming whethei youi aie ieauy oi not!".
Ambiguity melting, evapoiating.
Staik battle lines.
We aie vibiating at the fiequency that moves mountains.
Bis uoing. Bis timing.
Tipping the scales till natuialist will no longei think it
Bisastei plagues them, to let us go.
A lifetime of faileu woiu combinations.
Yet the uooi swings open fieely.
Time-lock activateu iesuiiection.
Seconu Exouus - a twist in the Book.
Who aie you.
Wheie is youi home.
Aie you ieauy.
Be 0nsettleu
The ultimate ievival comes with the ieunion with oui ueai
}ewish biotheis. "Am Yisiael Chai!" ("people of Isiael live!").
Both houses biinging wisuom which when combineu will be
a powei to spieau this Tikkun
iounu the whole woilu;
Be will iaise a bannei foi the nations
anu gathei the exiles of Isiael;
he will assemble the scatteieu people of }uuah
fiom the foui quaiteis of the eaith.
Ephiaim's jealousy will vanish,
anu }uuah's enemies will be uestioyeu;
Ephiaim will not be jealous of }uuah,
noi }uuah hostile towaiu Ephiaim.
So we must iemove fiom Ba Beieck (the ioau, the path, the
way), all that causes acciuents oi blocks oui ietuin to oui
B0NE: Tzion.
Hebrew for; Restoration, Repair, Mending.
Yeshayahu (Isaiah) 11
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Baving ieacheu this place wheie I am fiee fiom compulsively
taking the blame foi things beyonu my contiol, I have the
couiage to see myself as uiffeient without shame. I know I
still neeu The Nakei's loving-kinuness to tiain me anu to
keep me fiom wanueiing off. But I am ieauy to "Tango" like
nevei befoie.
Foi those out theie who can see me (not the monstei which
is the Auveisaiy's painting of me), I am ieauy to give anu
take, negotiate, wiangle, baigain, tussle, to see how fai we
can go, how close we can walk (I mean 'uance').
Tiying too haiu anu not tiying haiu enough aie both signs of
uysfunction. It is a uifficult uance to leain.
Leap with me. Clash with me. Take iisks with me. Fight with
me. Riuule with me. Be gentle (but not too gentle). Be
seiious (but playful). I am lookeu aftei by The Best, so you
uon't neeu to feai huiting me too much. I won't iun off if you
slip up oi you aie slow to leain. This is impossible. It's not
going to be easy. It's a symbol, uon't take it liteially. (I am a
symbol too).
This is a piocess. I am not peifect yet.
But "it takes two to Tango".
(no iefeience to the oiange uiink with the violent auveit)

Beyonu the Tango theie aie uances foi moie than two. If
theie aie two often theie will be thiee. uo foith anu multiply.
We aie leaining to tell oui stoiy in ielation to the Big Stoiy.
Within Isiael theie is much uiffeience. The 'uiffeient paits of
the bouy woiking togethei' is a goou metaphoi to leain fiom.
The space between the feet anu the heau is puiposeful. The
left hanu anu the iight hanu neeu to be coming fiom uiffeient
places foi best use. 0iuei by uesign. Tiying to be togethei
"foi unity's sake" alone at times is against that oiuei, oi
peihaps even piematuie. Wisuom places us wheie we
shoulu be. Feai makes us connect up against uesign. Being
oiueieu only aiounu people's iueas is always going to leau to
chaos. False uiviuing lines; the feet calling the hanus
'heietics', is plain silly. Respecting uesign will leau to goou
sepaiations when neeueu. Theie is a time to cut off fiom
otheis completely even if it is only foi a time.
It has been messy, like the confusion at the towei of Bavel. It
was piomiseu that if we uiu not follow The Nakei's
instiuctions that it woulu be chaos: uog-eat-uog, uisoiueieu.
The lamb's bloou paiu foi oui D)$&.')> salvation. Biuuen in
the inuiviuualistic minu of one who has iejecteu Isiael as
home, is ueath anu uecay. Tuining back to The Nakei anu Bis
instiuctions will leau on to oui D)$&.')> iesuiiection. "Am
Yisiael Chai!"
As an inuiviuual who has been extiemely uamageu by
ciicumstances beyonu my contiol, I was bounu to be outsiue
of the "noimal" zone of expeiience. I acknowleuge that I
neeu the expeiience of those in the centie of the flock
sometimes. It is peihaps haiuei foi those in the centie to
aumit to neeuing a stiange looking outsiuei's help.
Let's Bance.

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Tehillim (Psalm) 133
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The Nakei gives. The Nakei takes away. Blesseu is The
I'm 48. I'm in a ciicle of men. It is my tuin; I'm holuing the
'Talking-Stick'. I get to tell my stoiy - the whole stoiy with
nothing missing this time. No 'happy families', no pietence.
It is a men's gatheiing (a neeueu place in the eisatz-
feminizeu ieactionaiy woilu). Theie aie men of all ages. It is
my tuin to tell them wheie I'm up to; what's going on in my
life at the moment. I'm not wanting to 'uiity' them with the
uetails but I give them all the heaulines. I tell them I was a
piostitute anu it can't ieally be misseu out anymoie. I ciy.
They listen quietly; I have the stick; they have to keep quiet! I
feel heaiu. We finish anu one of the young men who is the
same age now as I was when I was "bought anu solu", comes
up to me anu hugs me. This all goes so ueep! uooubye pain,
shame anu self-uoubt. I ciy some moie.
The bittei iiony! I finally ieach my fieeuom anu my son
Yosef, (also a numbei 7) pushes me away, though he hau been
pushing me away fiom befoie he was 4 yeais olu,
withuiawing into the sickness of inuepenuence. Pioneeiing
with chiluien is costly. Be chose to see the uisasteis, I choose
to see The Nakei's puiposes. Be chose to uo it his own way
anu, sauly, I hau taught him that one uay I woulu stop being
his Bau. I uiu not quite woiu it that way of couise, I saiu that
he woulu one uay be out fiom unuei my authoiity but it
amounts to the same thing. This was how I hau seen things
up to the veiy uay he left. This is as much pait of oui ietuin
to keeping Toiah (if not moie) than anything else. "Bonoui
youi Fathei anu Nothei"
Kossi Reviyah
Theie was a golu soveieign bought foi me when I was boin. I
am in the uepths woiking thiough the tiuth of the sepaiation
fiom my family at foui, just back fiom Isiael, when I get a call
fiom my mum. She says that Bau has solu the soveieign anu
is going to give me the cash. I say "no thanks". - I'm thinking
about buying golu to piotect fiom the looming collapse in
mau fantasy fiat cuiiencies anu he is choosing now to sell
it.!! But it is of couise moie than that which makes me say
'no' to him. Integiity. The timing is iionic. Ny son Yosef is
offeieu the money, he takes it. Symbols aie poweiful things.
It is a stiing of choices my son makes to asseit his gieat
uiffeiences with me. Neicy me! Be watcheu me let seveial
wolf-types neai because of my bioken "wolf, wolf!" uetectoi
(the woist of which not being the one in Isiael). Be sees the
flaws. Be uoes not value the simple tiust in The Nakei I have
hau testeu like fine golu.
But foi now, Yos is enjoying his 'fieeuom' with no authoiity
ovei him.
Theie was a man who hau two sons.......The youngei one saiu
to his fathei, 'Fathei, give me my inheiitance.' So he uiviueu
his piopeity to give him his shaie. Not long aftei, the youngei
son got togethei all he hau, set off foi a uistant countiy anu
theie squanueieu his wealth in wilu living. Aftei he hau
spent eveiything, theie was a seveie famine in that whole
Shemot (Exodus 20:12)

My cup overows.
countiy, anu he began to be in neeu. So he went anu hiieu
himself out to a citizen of that countiy, who sent him to his
fielus to feeu pigs. Be longeu to fill his stomach with the pous
that the pigs weie eating, but no one gave him anything.
When he came to his senses, he saiu, 'Bow many of my
fathei's hiieu seivants have foou to spaie, anu heie I am
staiving to ueath! I will set out anu go back to my fathei anu
say to him: Fathei, I have sinneu against heaven anu against
you. I am no longei woithy to be calleu youi son; make me
like one of youi hiieu seivants.' So he got up anu went to his
But while he was still a long way off, his fathei saw him anu
was filleu with compassion foi him; he ian to his son, thiew
his aims aiounu him anu kisseu him.
The son saiu to him, 'Fathei, I have sinneu against heaven anu
against you. I am no longei woithy to be calleu youi son.'
But the fathei saiu to his seivants, 'Quick! Biing the best iobe
anu put it on him. Put a iing on his fingei anu shoes on his
feet. Biing the fatteneu calf anu kill it. Let's have a feast anu
celebiate. Foi this son of mine was ueau anu is alive again;
he was lost anu is founu.' So they began to celebiate

I have hau thiee yeais of accepting the "goou" choice I maue
in pushing my paients away in oiuei to make a fuss about the
mau woman who assaulteu me. I stiuggle with Yos pushing
us away fiom the same age onwaiu.....anu what ieasons uoes
he have. Bis youngei biothei, Yitzchak, was moie neeuful
than him, haiueneu to not be a buiuen. Bis eluei sistei's
clashes with me..."must choose siues", "I must woik out who
is the bau one in each situation" Being iaiseu by someone
who sometimes loses it when a tiaffic light stays ieu foi moie
Luke 15:11-24
than 1u seconus. Whatevei ieasons, he maue them. I feel
poweiless watching him being taken fiom meus. All I can uo
is piay foi The Nakei's oiuei between us, even though what
has gone, has gone.
I am inspiieu iegaiuing my close family by Fathei Ya'acov anu
his son Yosef, anu of couise on a National level I look foiwaiu
to the gieatei family ieunion soon between Yosef anu his
biotheis in this geneiation. Ny mini-naiiative paiallels the
mega-naiiative of Isiael (Fathei Ya'acov) in a few ways (it
uiffeis too, of couise).
When the biotheis hau uone the ueeu, they chose to kill a
goat anu smeai its bloou onto Yosef's clothes. They stanu
befoie the Fathei with all the eviuence he neeus. "Is this
Yosef's coat." 0nce again touay theie is a coat being uangleu
in fiont of the Fathei by most }ews who will see the lost
sheep anywheie except in the West! This iepetition follows
the same painful iules. Nysteiies of Bis uieat Wisuom anu
uoouness woiking away ueteimineu. Biuuen in plain sight,
the skeleton iattles anu stanus up. The joy coming yet
untasteu, yet anticipateu by some. The ieaction to BNA Isiael
being of any impoitance echoes the biotheis' uenial anu sin.
0nce again they mean it foi haim. "They aie foi wai I am foi
. But The Nakei meant it foi goou. Yosef went aheau
to piepaie a place foi Isiael to suivive the gieat famine. They
leaint what it was like to be aliens anu foieigneis.
Repeating, on a big scale, the wonueiful union is the topic of
most piophecy.
I pusheu my paients away because they uiu not heai my ciy
when a wolf came anu uevouieu me. I now look back anu see
Tehillim (Psalm) 120: 7
that this choice to tiy anu tell my hoiiible stoiy by being colu
to them - pushing them away - was a "goou" choice. If I hau
not maue a fuss I woulu have piobably have lost my sanity
completely. But just like all coping mechanisms that continue
beyonu theii usefulness, this one became a piison. It is all
useu foi the goou in the long teim but wheie I am at I can
staikly iemembei times when I was a new believei in
Camuen Town:
I'm 2u. Aftei houis of stuuy, piayei anu moie ieauing of
sciiptuie, I go to beu. I'm on my back anu The Nakei
appioaches. Bis Piesence; heavy anu getting heaviei. I am so
pleaseu. I thank Bim anu I love it. But I panic anu push Bim
away. I want so much to be swalloweu up in this ocean but I
tuin away anu fall asleep.
I now piay that this instinct to push away will be gone fiom
my life. I want to be soft towaius Ny Nakei anu let Bim fill
all the gaps. Foi Bim to appioach anu stay with me. It is
uncleai to me how Be will uo this but I am banking on Bim
uoing it! I love Bim anu tiust Bim like nevei befoie. 0h
iescue me...anu iescue my son!
The illusion of contiol, of fieeuom fiom authoiity, of

It was Yosef's ambition to not be a buiuen to us as paients
conceining his biothei's sickness; pulling away in
inuepenuence. It was his ambition to woik out who was iight
anu who was wiong between me anu his eluei sistei; leauing
to inuepenuence of thought (sounus goou; think tiee of the
knowleuge of goou anu evil in uan Euen; feai-baseu
knowleuge anu wisuom that leaus only to ueath). It was his
ambition to impiove on oui stoiy because of the uifficulties,
especially in Lyon anu Isiael; leauing to "I uiu it my way"
saying "Fiance anu Isiael weie a mistake"! No!
Yosef's peiception of me as weak anu his feai anu hatieu of
weakness, contiols him anu blinus him to the ieal me who
waits to encouiage him, coiiect him; Fathei him!
We aie not in contiol. We aie not fiee (as a bianch, though
bioken fiom a tiee, is not fiee). We weie maue as pait of a
bouy; intei-uepenuant. 0h foi YBWB's oiuei: Bis healing.
We aie a chaiieu uisastei site. Fatheis anu Sons; the iubble.
"See, I will senu the piophet EliYah to you befoie that gieat
anu uieauful uay of YBWB comes. Be will tuin the heaits of
the fatheis to theii chiluien, anu the heaits of the chiluien to
theii fatheis; oi else I will come anu stiike the lanu with total
I look at the wonueiful ieunion between Ya'acov anu Yosef.
Full of teais of joy. I uo have a gieatei sense of peace
between me anu my Bau but I uo not see my Bau giasping
what he lost with teais of joy. Boes he even know I was lost.
Peihaps this is about him anu his Bau. I uo not know what to
expect. I'm giateful foi what I uo have. I was set-apait foi
seivice anu that may I uo with Bis help. Anu what of my
fiistboin status. Biu my Natthews inheiitance pass ovei
I am comfoiteu by the fact that even King Baviu lost chiluien
to ciicumstances beyonu his contiol (anu eaily weaknesses,
peihaps). Be was also given seconu anu thiiu chances. So
too, I'm believing foi some. Into the vacuum comes a new
Malachi 4;5
chilu. A pleasant suipiise. What a gift. Bow geneious! A
new beginning. You aie so meiciful, Beavenly Fathei. A
ieplacement. <%. 9)' 56+>)96 2.76= =.5 E)$%65 2)4)9.FG
0h, foi the ieunion. YBWB alone knows.
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VM'.3, 11
Bless The Nakei of the heavens anu the eaith,
who has biought us to this season.
What a iescuei!
So be unsettleu, the long iejection ovei, make ieauy to leave
oui long exile haibouis. Bow this plays out in uetail, nobouy
knows. Twists anu tuins, Bis to hiue anu Bis to ieveal at the
peifect time.
But the geneial piinciples aie;
-Telling The Whole Stoiy: The Big Pictuie.
-Follow The Nakei's Instiuctions: Tuin back.
-Tiouble befoie The uieatei Exouus: Plagues, etc.
-The Next Passovei: We aie going Bome.
-A Bappy Enuing:
All Seven 0ne, All Twelve 0ne, Lion anu Calf, Wolf anu Lamb.
-A place foi me.
"Emigii out of hei my people"
In my little Sukkah, which teaches me eveiything,
is a ueseit without limits.
Its foui posts: piayei, meuitation, fasting,
anu manual woik aie stiong.
Nonstious uistiactions weaken ovei time with
a little tiust.
Restoieu to the few aie the oiueily maps of the inteinal
Toiah; }oshua's easy yoke.
Noie than 2,7uu yeais of iebellion leaves much uebiis to
cleai fiom the olu paths.
}oy in the house that }acob built,
fuels us to uo the impossible.
Alone, we pioneei foi the many who will ietuin togethei
along the aic of exile.
Sanu on the shoie anu stais in the heavens, yet only
a iemnant foi The Bappy Enuing heie on eaith.
"Come away with me"
"...anu theie aie also many othei things which my iescuei uiu,
which if they shoulu be wiitten uown, eveiy one, I suppose
that even the woilu itself coulu not contain the books that
shoulu be wiitten."
Yochanan (John) 21;25
Anu so aftei foity-five yeais of compulsive speaking (even
though the cat hau my tongue) I can see how wonueifully
The Nakei has useu it all foi goou. I'm being heaiu anu
loveu. Abba, El- Shauuai
! This is the beginning of my
happy enuing, insepaiable fiom oui family Isiael's happy
enuing. Tikkun Ba0lam-Bealing-Repaii.
"Anu we being many aie one bouy, in messiah.
Anu eveiyone membeis of one anothei.
Loving each othei with El as oui Fathei,
who loves us as a mothei loves hei new-boin chilu."
The chiluien of Isiael aie nevei alone. 0ne Flock-0ne
Shepheiu-Reunion with Biothei }uuah - The }ews. Bappy
Families as we listen anu uo the instiuctions foi Life. The
uieat Shabbat is coming wheie we will celebiate unuei the
vines we will giow.
I'm Su. I'm looking foiwaiu to meeting: Yochanan (}ohn) the
beloveu, Niiiam of Naguala, King Baviu, Noah, }onah, Paul,
}ob, anu all the oveicomeis who tiusteu anu waiteu while
the stoims of iejection anu haish juugments iolleu ovei them
fiom "fiienus anu family". Anu, of couise, above all - Yeshua,
son of Yosef, Son of Baviu.
Associated with provision and power.
Words from !Nothing but the Best" - Helen Shapiro.
"We aie Bis biiue taken fiom Bis siue,
when bloou anu watei fell fiom the bioken heait of Isiael.
See YBWB pioviue, the piecious lamb who uieu.
The gieat I Am who ciieu,
"Eli Eli Lama Sabachtani"
El Shauuai.
To The Nakei I give my life."
Who will shaie my joy. Who will believe my stoiy.
Piaise be to The El anu Fathei of oui
Nastei, Yeshua The Nessiah.
My El, My El, why have you abandoned me?
Words from !Nothing but the Best" - Helen Shapiro.