Six Kinds of Loneliness

By Pema Chdrn To be without a

reference point is the ultimate
loneliness. It is also called
enlightenment.In the middle way,
there is no reference point. The
mind with no reference point does
not resolve itself, does not fixate or
grasp. How could we possily have
no reference point! To have no
reference point would e to change
a deep"seated haitual response to
the world# wanting to ma$e it wor$
out one way or the other. If I can%t
go left or right, I will die& 'hen we
don%t go left or right, we feel li$e
we are in a detox center. 'e%re
alone, cold tur$ey with all the
edginess that we%ve een trying to
avoid y going left or right. That
edginess can feel pretty heavy.
However, years and years of going
to the left or right, going to yes or
no, going to right or wrong has
never really changed anything.
(cramling for security has never
rought anything ut momentary
)oy. It%s li$e changing the position
of our legs in meditation. *ur legs
hurt from sitting cross"legged, so
we move them. +nd then we feel,
,Phew& 'hat a relief&, But two and
a half minutes later, we want to
move them again. 'e $eep moving
around see$ing pleasure, see$ing
comfort, and the satisfaction that
we get is very short"lived.'e hear
a lot aout the pain of samsara,
and we also hear aout lieration.
But we don%t hear much aout how
painful it is to go from eing
completely stuc$ to ecoming
unstuc$. The process of ecoming
unstuc$ re-uires tremendous
ravery, ecause asically we are
completely changing our way of
perceiving reality, li$e changing our
./+. 'e are undoing a pattern
that is not )ust our pattern. It%s the
human pattern# we pro)ect onto
the world a 0illion possiilities of
attaining resolution. 'e can have
whiter teeth, a weed"free lawn, a
strife"free life, a world without
emarrassment. 'e can live
happily every after. This pattern
$eeps us dissatisfied and causes us
a lot of suffering.+s human eings,
not only do we see$ resolution, ut
we also feel that we deserve
resolution. However, not only do
we not deserve resolution, we
suffer from resolution. 'e don%t
deserve resolution1 we deserve
something etter than that. 'e
deserve our irthright, which is the
middle way, an open state of mind
that can relax with paradox and
amiguity. To the degree that
we%ve een avoiding uncertainty,
we%re naturally going to have
withdrawal symptoms2withdrawal
from always thin$ing that there%s a
prolem and that someone,
somewhere, needs to fix it.The
middle way is wide open, ut it%s
tough going, ecause it goes
against the grain of an ancient
neurotic pattern that we all share.
'hen we feel lonely, when we feel
hopeless, what we want to do is
move to the right or the left. 'e
don%t want to sit and feel what we
feel. 'e don%t want to go through
the detox. 3et the middle way
encourages us to do )ust that. It
encourages us to awa$en the
ravery that exists in everyone
without exception, including you
and me.4editation provides a way
for us to train in the middle way2
in staying right on the spot. 'e are
encouraged not to )udge whatever
arises in our mind. In fact, we are
encouraged not to even grasp
whatever arises in our mind. 'hat
we usually call good or ad we
simply ac$nowledge as thin$ing,
without all the usual drama that
goes along with right and wrong.
'e are instructed to let the
thoughts come and go as if
touching a ule with a feather.
This straightforward discipline
prepares us to stop struggling and
discover a fresh, uniased state of
eing.The experience of certain
feelings can seem particularly
pregnant with desire for resolution#
loneliness, oredom, anxiety.
5nless we can relax with these
feelings, it%s very hard to stay in
the middle when we experience
them. 'e want victory or defeat,
praise or lame. 6or example, if
someody aandons us, we don%t
want to e with that raw
discomfort. Instead, we con)ure up
a familiar identity of ourselves as a
hapless victim. *r maye we avoid
the rawness y acting out and
righteously telling the person how
messed up he or she is. 'e
automatically want to cover over
the pain in one way or another,
identifying with victory or
victimhood.5sually we regard
loneliness as an enemy. Heartache
is not something we choose to
invite in. It%s restless and pregnant
and hot with the desire to escape
and find something or someone to
$eep us company. 'hen we can
rest in the middle, we egin to
have a nonthreatening relationship
with loneliness, a relaxing and
cooling loneliness that completely
turns our usual fearful patterns
upside down.There are six ways of
descriing this $ind of cool
loneliness. They are# less desire,
contentment, avoiding unnecessary
activity, complete discipline, not
wandering in the world of desire,
and not see$ing security from one%s
discursive thoughts.7ess desire is
the willingness to e lonely without
resolution when everything in us
yearns for something to cheer us
up and change our mood.
Practicing this $ind of loneliness is
a way of sowing seeds so that
fundamental restlessness
decreases. In meditation, for
example, every time we lael
,thin$ing, instead of getting
endlessly run around y our
thoughts, we are training in )ust
eing here without dissociation. 'e
can%t do that now to the degree
that we weren%t willing to do it
yesterday or the day efore or last
wee$ or last year. +fter we practice
less desire wholeheartedly and
consistently, something shifts. 'e
feel less desire in the sense of
eing less solidly seduced y our
8ery Important (tory 7ines. (o
even if the hot loneliness is there,
and for 9.: seconds we sit with
that restlessness when yesterday
we couldn%t sit for even one, that%s
the )ourney of the warrior. That%s
the path of ravery. The less we
spin off and go cra0y, the more we
taste the satisfaction of cool
loneliness. +s the ;en master
<atagiri =oshi often said, ,*ne can
e lonely and not e tossed away
y it.,The second $ind of loneliness
is contentment. 'hen we have
nothing, we have nothing to lose.
'e don%t have anything to lose ut
eing programmed in our guts to
feel we have a lot to lose. *ur
feeling that we have a lot to lose is
rooted in fear2of loneliness, of
change, of anything that can%t e
resolved, of nonexistence. The
hope that we can avoid this feeling
and the fear that we can%t ecome
our reference point.'hen we draw
a line down the center of a page,
we $now who we are if we%re on
the right side and who we are if
we%re on the left side. But we don%t
$now who we are when we don%t
put ourselves on either side. Then
we )ust don%t $now what to do. 'e
)ust don%t $now. 'e have no
reference point, no hand to hold. +t
that point we can either frea$ out
or settle in. Contentment is a
synonym for loneliness, cool
loneliness, settling down with cool
loneliness. 'e give up elieving
that eing ale to escape our
loneliness is going to ring any
lasting happiness or )oy or sense of
well"eing or courage or strength.
5sually we have to give up this
elief aout a illion times, again
and again ma$ing friends with our
)umpiness and dread, doing the
same old thing a illion times with
awareness. Then without our even
noticing, something egins to shift.
'e can )ust e lonely with no
alternatives, content to e right
here with the mood and texture of
what%s happening.The third $ind of
loneliness is avoiding unnecessary
activities. 'hen we%re lonely in a
,hot, way, we loo$ for something
to save us1 we loo$ for a way out.
'e get this -ueasy feeling that we
call loneliness, and our minds )ust
go wild trying to come up with
companions to save us from
despair. That%s called unnecessary
activity. It%s a way of $eeping
ourselves usy so we don%t have to
feel any pain. It could ta$e the
form of osessively daydreaming of
true romance, or turning a tidit of
gossip into the six o%cloc$ news, or
even going off y ourselves into
the wilderness.The point is that in
all these activities, we are see$ing
companionship in our usual,
haitual way, using our same old
repetitive ways of distancing
ourselves from the demon
loneliness. Could we )ust settle
down and have some compassion
and respect for ourselves! Could
we stop trying to escape from
eing alone with ourselves! 'hat
aout practicing not )umping and
graing when we egin to panic!
=elaxing with loneliness is a worthy
occupation. +s the >apanese poet
=yo$an says, ,If you want to find
the meaning, stop chasing after so
many things.,Complete discipline is
another component of cool
loneliness. Complete discipline
means that at every opportunity,
we%re willing to come ac$, )ust
gently come ac$ to the present
moment. This is loneliness as
complete discipline. 'e%re willing to
sit still, )ust e there, alone. 'e
don%t particularly have to cultivate
this $ind of loneliness1 we could
)ust sit still long enough to reali0e
it%s how things really are. 'e are
fundamentally alone, and there is
nothing anywhere to hold on to.
4oreover, this is not a prolem. In
fact, it allows us to finally discover
a completely unfaricated state of
eing. *ur haitual assumptions2
all our ideas aout how things are
2$eep us from seeing anything in
a fresh, open way. 'e say, ,*h
yes, I $now., But we don%t $now.
'e don%t ultimately $now anything.
There%s no certainty aout
anything. This asic truth hurts,
and we want to run away from it.
But coming ac$ and relaxing with
something as familiar as loneliness
is good discipline for reali0ing the
profundity of the unresolved
moments of our lives. 'e are
cheating ourselves when we run
away from the amiguity of
loneliness./ot wandering in the
world of desire is another way of
descriing cool loneliness.
'andering in the world of desire
involves loo$ing for alternatives,
see$ing something to comfort us2
food, drin$, people. The word
desire encompasses that addiction
-uality, the way we gra for
something ecause we want to find
a way to ma$e things o$ay. That
-uality comes from never having
grown up. 'e still want to go home
and e ale to open the
refrigerator and find it full of our
favorite goodies1 when the going
gets tough, we want to yell ,4om&,
But what we%re doing as we
progress along the path is leaving
home and ecoming homeless. /ot
wandering in the world of desire is
aout relating directly with how
things are. 7oneliness is not a
prolem. 7oneliness is nothing to
e solved. The same is true for any
other experience we might have.
+nother aspect of cool loneliness is
not see$ing security from one%s
discursive thoughts. The rug%s een
pulled1 the )ig is up1 there is no
way to get out of this one& 'e
don%t even see$ the companionship
of our own constant conversation
with ourselves aout how it is and
how it isn%t, whether it is or
whether it isn%t, whether it should
or whether it shouldn%t, whether it
can or whether it can%t. 'ith cool
loneliness we do not expect
security from our own internal
chatter. That%s why we are
instructed in meditation to lael it
,thin$ing., It has no o)ective
reality. It is transparent and
ungraspale. 'e%re encouraged to
)ust touch that chatter and let it
go, not ma$e much ado aout
nothing.Cool loneliness allows us to
loo$ honestly and without
aggression at our own minds. 'e
can gradually drop our ideals of
who we thin$ we ought to e, or
who we thin$ we want to e, or
who we thin$ other people thin$ we
want to e or ought to e. 'e give
it up and )ust loo$ directly with
compassion and humor at who we
are. Then loneliness is no threat
and heartache, no punishment.Cool
loneliness doesn%t provide any
resolution or give us ground under
our feet. It challenges us to step
into a world of no reference point
without polari0ing or solidifying.
This is called the middle way, or
the sacred path of the warrior.
'hen you wa$e up in the morning
and out of nowhere comes the
heartache of alienation and
loneliness, could you use that as a
golden opportunity! =ather than
persecuting yourself or feeling that
something terrily wrong is
happening, right there in the
moment of sadness and longing,
could you relax and touch the
limitless space of the human heart!
The next time you get a chance,
experiment with this.Pema Chdrn
is a fully"ordained Buddhist nun
and the director of ?ampo +ey in
Cape Breton, /ova (cotia. (he is
the author of The Wisdom of No
Escape, Start Where You Are and
When Things Fall Apart: eart
Ad!ice for "ifficult Times.