Preface

This little book tackles

a big topic: etiquette.
Etiquettea fancy
name for mannersis
a set of rules for
behavior and
interaction. Its what
your parents always
nag you about: ay
please. !ont talk with
your mouth full. "rite
thank you notes.
1
#enu$ect in front of
your teacher.
%ules of etiquette
di&er wherever you go.
"hat seems polite to
one person seems rude
to another. %eading
this book will not '(
that problem) even if
you memori*e and
apply everything in its
pages. This book can)
however) help you
understand basic
manners and the
2
common sense behind
them.
The classic books of
etiquette are many
hundreds of pages
long. There are even
weekly newspaper
columns and entire
websites devoted to
manners. +ave you
ever wondered what to
do if your grandmother
snores in church, -r
whether it is rude to
practice singing opera
3
while others are within
earshot, .ou might
'nd the answers to
such questions in those
resourcesnot here.
+ere you will simply
learn tips for situations
you encounter all the
time. .ou will also
discover that etiquette
isnt completely
random/ it derives
from basic human
emotions like
compassion and
4
respect. This book
even tries to show that)
even if you break every
rule of etiquette) what
ultimately matters to
people is whats in
your heart.
Introduction
This book contains
eighteen simple tips.
%ead them all now if
you like. "ell discuss
one every other week
5
or so. The 'rst three
are cardinal rules for
young adolescents in
any social situation.
The ne(t three rules
are about polite
conversation. The
subsequent si( tips
describe speci'c social
scenarios and tell you
how to navigate them
skillfully. The 'nal si(
tips e(plore character
traits that) if you
possess them) will
6
make up for almost any
mistake in etiquette.
0s an emerging
teenager) you will 'nd
that rudeness is
sometimes e(pected of
you. Teenagers have a
horrible reputation
when it comes to
manners. .ou may
even 'nd that rudeness
will bring you $eeting
popularity among
peers) but decent
manners will result in
7
meaningful
relationships and
lasting success.
0s an adult) youll 'nd
that the 1ob applicant
who can shake a hand
and look someone in
the eye will always get
the 1ob over someone
who absentmindedly
picks out earwa(
during an interview.
.oull also 'nd that
people would rather
befriend a pleasant
8
and supportive person
than a bitter and
inconsiderate person.
I hope youll also
conclude that it 1ust
feels better to be polite
than rude.
Etiquette is easier and
more important than
you might think. It
boils down to noticing
and caring about
yourself and other
people. "hat more
9
could we ask of each
other,
10
Section 1:
CARDINAL RULES
Rule 1: Be aware of
yourself.
ocrates said Know
thyself. +is dictum
relates to manners. If
you are oblivious to
your public
presentation) you will
'nd yourself
mysteriously o&ending
and repelling people.
2Think of the 1ob
11
applicant with a 'nger
in his ear.3
This is not to say that
you need to police your
every action or
continuously obsess
about your
appearance. imply be
aware of how your
movements)
e(pressions) and words
impact the people
around you.
4or instance) notice if
you are blocking
12
someone in the hall)
notice if your 1okes
might be interpreted
as insults) notice if you
have spaghetti sauce
all over your shirt)
notice if you walk into
a happy room and spit
venom) notice if you
are loudly drumming
your 'ngers) and
notice if your books
take up the whole
table.
13
5ut also notice if your
smile makes someones
day) if your comments
defuse a con$ict) if
youve automatically
made room for
someone at the
lockers) if you sit up
straight) or if you tell
the truth when a lie
would be more
convenient.
6otice and be proud
of yourself. 6oticing
and caring about
14
others will follow
naturally and thats
really what etiquette is
all about.
Rule 2:
Acknowledge
people.
Sometimes you want
to go where everybody
knows your name and
theyre always glad
you came. o began
the famous theme song
to Cheers) a long
15
running television
show.
Its true) too. It feels
good to walk into a
room and get greeted.
It feels even better
when someone calls
you by name) puts a
hand on your shoulder)
and looks genuinely
happy to see you.
0cknowledge people.
7se their names/ look
them in the eye. In
formal settings) shake
16
their hands. In
intimate settings) give
a hug or a pat on the
shoulder.
Etiquette has been
blamed for making
people icy and
unemotional.
8onsider) for e(ample)
the stereotypical
manners9obsessed rich
lady in English
literature. This lady
would only
acknowledge you by
17
looking down her nose
at you. :eople
obsessed with old9
fashioned manners can
be no fun at all) but
modern manners
actually break the ice.
They show that you
notice and care about
the people around you.
The word etiquette
originally meant
;ticket) so think of
acknowledging and
greeting people as
18
your ticket to a
satisfying social life. If
you use that ticket)
people will open up
and give back to you.
19
Rule 3: Treat boys
and girls like people.
5oys and girls are not
the same. .ou may
have noticed this. -ur
culture goes to great
lengths to emphasi*e
and even e(aggerate
the fact. "e assign
pink to girls and blue
to boys) braids to girls
and bu** cuts to boys.
<ovies and
advertisements give us
images of what they
20
think is the ideal man
and the ideal woman
very di&erent images)
if you hadnt noticed.
5estselling books give
tips for males trying to
understand females
and females trying to
understand males. -ur
culture is downright
obsessed with the
di&erence between
genders.
Think what you will
about boys and girls
21
and) believe me) as an
adolescent youll think
about it a lotbut
follow one 'nal
cardinal rule of
etiquette: Treat boys
and girls like people.
!ont underestimate
the athletic prowess of
girls. !ont assume
boys are socially
immature. !ont freak
out if you 'nd yourself
in a conversation with
a member of the other
22
gender. 0nd dont
have a spa* attack 1ust
because someone
thinks someone is cute.
-ne of the biggest
challenges for
teenagers is
interacting sanely with
members of the
opposite se(. If you
can handle this
challenge) youll 'nd
adolescence a *illion
times easier. 0nd
23
youll be considered
more polite.

Section 2:
CONVERSATION
Rule : Pay attention
to boundaries.
+ave you ever noticed
that sometimes youll
let your parents get
very close to you) while
other times you want
them to keep their
distance, .our
24
boundaries move
depending on your
emotions..
5oundaries are tricky.
:ay attention to them.
5oundaries are the
lines polite people
dont cross) and they
dont always stay in
the same place. "e
have to look out for
them) though.
tart with some easy
ones: .ou shouldnt
tell your principal to go
25
fetch something for
you/ you shouldnt talk
about your digestive
problems at a fancy
dinner/ and you
shouldnt borrow
someones toothbrush
when they arent
looking. These are
boundaries you
probably already know
not to cross.
Trickier) though) is to
know) when in a
conversation) how
26
close to stand) how
open to be) what topics
to avoid) and when to
let the interaction end.
+ave you ever stood
around waiting for
your parents to 'nish
saying goodbye to
someone, They never
seem to know how to
'nd the boundary
between a
conversation that is
1ust the right length
and one that is too
27
long. Even adults
fumble with these
things.
The key is to pay
attention to the clues.
If someone $inches
when you touch his
shoulders) he might
have a strong physical
boundary. If someone
has stopped
contributing to a
conversation) she
might be ready for it to
end. If your teacher
28
suddenly stops
laughing at your 1okes)
you may have told one
1oke too many.
:ay attention also to
the boundaries you
draw. !o you
discourage people
from approaching you,
+ave you created an
e(clusive clique, In
these cases your
boundaries might be a
little tight. If you
always talk to
29
strangers or often tell
other peoples secrets)
your boundaries might
be a little too loose.
"e all have
boundaries) and they
grow or shrink
depending on our
mood and company.
#ood manners require
an awareness of these
invisible lines around
ourselves and others.
30
Rule !: "bey t#e
tra$c laws of
con%ersation.
Theres a di&erence
between playing
bumper cars and
driving to the store.
5umper cars is fun=
for a while. Imagine)
though) if regular
tra&ic worked like that.
It might be cool at 'rst
but then it would get
really annoying.
31
.oung childrens
conversations
resemble bumper cars.
>ittle kids 1ust say
whatever pops into
their heads. Thats
why one
kindergartener will
walk up to another and
say) ?I have soccer
practice tonight. "e
get oranges.@
0nd the second one
might respond) ?Aoom)
*oom) *oom) *oomB <y
32
mommy said my tooth
is loose.@
0dolescents still en1oy
the occasional bumper
car conversation) but
they also en1oy the
kind of conversations
in which thoughts can
be e(changed and
discussed. Etiquette
has a few tips for this
kind of conversation.
Think of them as tra&ic
laws.
33
Listen. "e speak to
be heard) so really
listen to what your
companions say. how
that you are listening:
make eye contact) nod)
ask questions) and
respond.
Interrupt carefully.
ome people hate
getting interrupted/
others assume
interruption is a
normal part of
34
conversation. The
same thing happens in
automobile tra&ic.
ome people let cars
cut in front of them/
some dont. o if you
start speaking before
your companions
sentence is 'nished)
pay attention to the
result. !id it harm the
conversation or not,
Leave space. !ont
hog the road. >eave
35
some space for your
companions. Teachers
are taught to wait for
three seconds between
asking a question and
calling on someone.
This gives everybody a
chance to think of an
answer and raise a
hand. Teachers are
also taught to wait
three seconds after a
students answer so
that the words can sink
in for everyone. Try
36
something similar in
conversation. .ou
might be surprised by
what 'lls the space you
leave open.
ont relate
everything to yourself.
8onversations are
about trading ideas
and stories. Talking
about yourself is
normal/ go ahead and
do it. Cust dont turn
every discussion into
37
one about you. If
someone starts to tell a
story about their dance
class) dont interrupt
them midsentence and
say) ?!ance class, I
took dance lessons
once. I remember my
teacher was so
funny=@ and so on.3
0 good conversation is
better than any book)
movie) or game.
4ollowing a few rules
38
of the road will
improve your
conversations
immeasurably.
Rule &: Appro'i(ate
proper sentences.
-D. If youre talking
andI dont know
when you talk have you
ever noticed that your
words dont make like
real sentences and if
you) like wrote down)
39
or recorded I mean)
and wrote down
e(actly how you said
what you said= then it
would be all messed up
and nobody would
know what you meant
and it would look or it
would sound really
stupid, 7m) yeah.
I think that) like) if
you appro(imate 2that
means get close to3
proper good sentences
when you talk) youll
40
sound way smarter and
people will know what
youre talking about
and thats 1ust one
thing to aim for
because people think
its polite to talk so
that you could actually
write it like a sentence
with commas and stu&.
41
Section 3:
SCENARIOS
)cenario 1: Playing
sports.
#ood etiquette on the
'eld or court can
include some funny
things: chasing)
stealing) and in some
cases tackling. It
e(cludes) however)
cheating) insulting) and
getting overly physical.
0n athlete with
42
manners will include
all teammates in plays)
will cheer good moves
on both teams) and will
accept referee calls.
0t recess) etiquette
dictates a rela(ed
approach to contested
calls) teammates
mistakes) and the e(act
score.
!ont be the oaf who
yells at kids who miss
shots) who quits if
dissatis'ed with team
43
composition) or bends
the rules for his own
bene't. #ames are for
fun) so have some.
:lay hard) compete)
cooperate) and be
considerate.
)cenario 2: *ating
at a restaurant.
<any important
impressions are made
at meals. 4irst dates)
1ob interviews) and
business deals often
44
happen during lunch or
dinner) and chewing
with your mouth open
could kill the mood in
any of these situations.
The rules di&er
somewhat depending
on where you are
eating. <c!onalds is
less formal than a
fancy restaurant) and
school lunch is less
formal than a family
dinner. +ere are some
tips to guide you in
45
your various dining
e(periences:
"hen eating
anywhere where other
people can see or hear
you:
E. Take reasonably
si*ed bites and chew
with your mouth
closed.
F. !ont make loud
smacking or
slurping noises.
46
G. wallow before
cramming in more
food.
4. wallow before
speaking.
5. :lace bones) shells)
cobs) or other waste
in a designated dish
or arrange
inconspicuously on
your plate.
H. Deep your elbows
out of other diners
space.
47
I. ay) ?E(cuse me)@
and push your chair
in if leaving during a
meal.
"hen eating in a
home:
E. 8ompliment the
cook before and
after the meal.
F. :ass food to the
right. "ait until it
comes all the way
back to you before
taking your serving.
48
3. >eave enough in
serving dishes for
everybody to have
the same number of
servings as you.
0sk everybodys
permission if you
are taking the last
bits from a dish.
J. 6otice if somebody
is out of water) rolls)
or anything else
near you. -&er to
pass the item.
49
5. !ont let serving
utensils touch your
plate or your
utensils touch a
serving dish. ome
e(ceptions e(ist.
4or instance) you
can use your clean
knife to take butter
from a dish if you
scrape the butter
onto your plate and
take what you will
need for the whole
meal.
50
"hen eating at a nice
restaurant:
E. 7nfold your
napkin) fold it in half
in a rectangle or
triangle) and place it
on your lap. !o not
use the napkin to
wipe your nose. If
you leave the table
during the meal)
place it on your
chair before you
push the chair in.
51
0s you stand to
leave for good) place
the loosely folded
napkin on the table
in front of your
chair.
F. 7se your
silverware from the
outside in. If you
have two forks) the
one on the far left is
for your salad. The
inside one is for
your entrKe. If you
have two spoons)
52
the one on the far
right is for your
soup. If there are
utensils above your
plate) use them for
dessert only.
G. ilverware) once
used) should never
touch the tablecloth.
It should be placed
on the dish you are
eating from. "hen
you are done with a
course) lay the
silverware for that
53
course neatly across
the dish.
8onvention says to
treat your dish as a
clock and make the
silverware the
hands of the clock.
The time should
read J:FL.
J. There may be
unused upside down
or empty wine
glasses or co&ee
cups at your place
setting. >eave them
54
alone. The wait
sta& will take them
at some point during
the meal.
M. Take in your hands
or silverware to
your mouth only one
or two bites at a
time.
H. 8hopsticks should
never be left
sticking out of rice.
This is considered
rude by cultures
that use chopsticks.
55
I. 8ondiments should
be used in
reasonable
proportion. !ont
drown your food in
more sauce or syrup
than you will ever
eat.
N. 0cknowledge your
wait sta&. <ove
slightly out of the
way when they
come to take or
deliver things.
Thank them) even if
56
only quietly or with
eye contact and a
nod. !ont make
e(tra work for them
by making a mess.
!ont talk to them
like servants) either.
Thats a good way to
get your food
delayed or tampered
with.
O. :ace yourself. .ou
want to 'nish each
course at about the
57
same time as your
companions.
)cenario 3: Talking
on t#e telep#one.
0s with dining
etiquette) telephone
etiquette varies
according to situation.
.ou speak casually
with your best friend)
politely with your
grandparents) and
formally with
strangers.
58
"hen calling people
other than your best
friends) be sure to
introduce yourself) to
speak clearly) and to
listen carefully.
"hen calling a
stranger) open by
giving your name and
the reason you are
calling. 8onclude by
thanking the person
for their time and
agreeing on the time
59
and agenda for any
future conversations.
If you call someone for
information) have pen
and paper on hand. Cot
down key points. .ou
might also use the
paper to script out in
advance your greeting
and questions.
5e aware of peoples
status. Pery busy or
important people can
only be e(pected to
60
spend a few moments
on the phone with you.
+ave a plan for
leaving a message if
you get a machine)
voice mail) or a
receptionist. .ou can
script messages in
advance. They should
include your name)
number) and reason for
calling) as well a plan
for a ne(t attempt at
contact. 7sually you
should take on the
61
responsibility for
calling again. .ou can
ask in your message
when a good time to
call would be and even
suggest a time when
you can de'nitely be
reached.
)cenario 3: +etting
#ot lunc#.
6ot everybody gets
hot lunch) but lunch
line manners apply to
interactions with any
62
service employeebe
it a cashier)
salesperson) or a
security guard. .oung
people are often
unconscionably rude to
service employees.
They treat them like
servants not worthy of
respect or notice. !o
not do this. 5e
appreciative and
polite.
In the lunch line)
maintain some
63
semblance of a straight
line. Deep your voices
low so that 5onnie can
think. mile and thank
her. If you have a
special request) frame
it in a way that does
not sound like you
think her food is
disgusting. ?6o sauce
today) please)@ is better
than) ?.ucky. 6o
sauce.@
64
)cenario :
Interacting wit#
adults.
.ou have contact with
adults every day. They
are human beings) like
you) but they
sometimes seem like
visitors from another
planet. 0dults) for
instance) like awful
music and dress
ridiculously. They are
also far more attached
to manners than kids.
65
E(pect any adult to
e(pect you to observe
the rules of etiquette.
0 good rule of thumb
when interacting with
adults is to take on a
more formal air than
you would among your
friends. This doesnt
mean that you need to
say Sir and !adam or
speak in a fake 5ritish
accent) but it does
mean that you should
answer questions
66
clearly) assume good
posture) and) in most
cases) do what they
ask you to do.
4eel free to e(press
your opinions to adults)
though. <ost will
respond politely to
anything said politely.
If a stranger
approaches you)
maintain your
boundaries. If he
seems weird) it is in no
way impolite to ignore
67
or walk away from him.
If the stranger is safe
your waiter) an elderly
lady) or someone
touring the school) for
instancefeel free to
make a little small talk
and then go on your
way.
Treat elderly adults
like other adults)
e(cept be a little more
polite. !ont use too
much slangthey
wont understand you
68
but dont treat them
like they are deaf and
stupid. Elderly people
love to talk. >isten to
them. They are also
more open to showing
a&ection. !ont be
surprised if they tell
you how wonderful you
are or pat you on the
shoulder.
)cenario !:
Interacting wit#
young c#ildren.
69
!ont treat young
children like babies.
They can communicate
with you like a peer. In
fact) they probably
think of you as a
friend) not a mommy.
>isten) ask questions)
squat to their level) but
make it all seem
natural. They will
catch on if you adopt a
patroni*ing tone.
Theyll either close up
70
or start acting like
babies.
.oung children en1oy
very simple and
repetitive games.
!epending on your
temperament) these
games can get old
pretty quickly. If you
are sick) after the
hundredth time) of
calling out an estimate
of how far a child
pretending to be a
kangaroo 1umped)
71
simply say that you are
tired of the game.
uggest a new game or
say that you are going
to play with your other
friends for a while.
.ou can have a big
impact on young
children. They look up
to and emulate you.
.ou are a model for
them of what a person
should grow up to be
like. Encourage them
to develop all the
72
manners) con'dence)
and ability we wish
everyone had.
73
Section 4:
DISPLAYING
CHARACTER
.ou may have noticed
that you are two thirds
through this book and
still dont know a
quarter of all there is
to know about
etiquette. .ou dont
know when it is -D to
call people by their
'rst names) how to
politely tell someone
his toupee is falling o&)
74
or what to do if
somebody 'nds out you
gossiped about her.
5igger books on
etiquette e(plain the
protocol for these and
other scenarios. This
is a little book) though)
and is quickly running
out of pages. It will
conclude by describing
si( traits that can
guide you safely
through any problem
of manners) no matter
75
your mastery of the
rules of etiquette.
Trait 1: *(pat#y.
0n empathic person
notices and feels the
feelings of others. If
you notice) relate to)
and care about the
feelings of others) you
can avoid blunders in
etiquette. .oull know
what might hurt a
persons feelings and
people will be less
76
likely to get o&ended
by you. They will know
that you care about
them.
Trait 2: Integrity.
:eople with integrity
do the right thing
because its the right
thing to do. They have
a strong moral sense
and try not to do what
is wrong) la*y) or
mean. If you radiate
integrity) people will
77
rarely second guess or
critici*e you. They
know that anything you
do is done with pure
intentions.
Trait 3: ,onesty.
0n honest person
speaks the truth.
6othing hurts a
relationship more than
a lie. If you often
stretch the truth or tell
bald9faced lies) people
will feel icky about
78
you. It will make it ten
times harder for them
to interact with you.
Telling the truth as a
matter of habit is a
sign to everyone that
you are considerate
and well9intentioned.
Trait :
Trustwort#iness.
Trustworthiness is a
more general term
than honesty. To be
worthy of others trust)
79
you must do more than
1ust tell the truth.
:eople have to be able
to count on you. .our
mother has to know
that you wont light
'res when she is not
looking. .our friends
have to know you
wont spread rumors
about them. .our
classmates have to
know that you wont
steal their stu&. .our
teacher has to know
80
that you will stay on
task when he runs to
the bathroom.
It is polite to be
trustworthy. It shows
that you value other
people.
Trait !: Respect.
Etiquette is a map of
respectful behavior. It
e(plains what you
ought to do if you
respect yourself and
the people around you.
81
Etiquette has an
element of
arbitrariness) though.
In some countries it is
considered
disrespectful to slurp
your noodles) in others
it is disrespectful not
to. %espect) though) is
a driving force behind
etiquette. The desire
to give and get respect
inspires us to make up
and follow these rules.
Every rule of etiquette
82
is) at its root) a way to
prove that you respect
those around you.
There will always be
some people you
respect more than
others. .ou will look
up to some) treasure
others) and even
dislike some. There
should be nobody)
though) for whom you
have absolutely no
respect. "e are all
human beings) $aws
83
and all) and we all
deserve to be accorded
dignity and treated
respectfully.
84
Trait &: -orgi%eness
The highest form of
etiquette is to cut
people slack. !o not
make a big deal if they
break a rule of polite
behavior. 8ultivate a
thick skin/ dont take it
terribly personally if
someone says
something critical
about you. 4orgive
people for their faults
and trespasses. 0nd
while youre at it) cut
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yourself some slack)
too. The world wont
end if you make a
mistake.
8utting slack is what
keeps etiquette from
becoming an
oppressive set of rules)
a system that makes us
act like scared robots.
lack9cutting allows us
to try our best and to
treat each other with
care.
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.onclusion
Etiquette is more than
1ust a bunch of silly
rules. Its a $e(ible
system of indications
that we care about
ourselves and each
other.
"e need signs of that
caring) or else our
world becomes mean
and hollow.
o) the ne(t time
somebody asks you to
mind your manners)
87
remember that what
they really want you to
do is care.
<anners we can live
without) but caring is
what makes our lives
valuable.
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