Retail Jokes

A retailer was dismayed when a competitor selling the same type of product opened
next-door to him, displaying a large sign proclaiming "Best Deals."
Not long after that, he was horrified to find yet another competitor move in next door,
on the other side if his store. Its large sign was even more distur!ing""#owest
$rices."
After his initial panic, and concern that he would !e driven out of !usiness, he loo%ed
for a way to turn the situation to his mar%eting advantage. &inally, an idea came to
him. Next day, he proudly unveiled a new and huge sign over his front door. It read,
"Main Entrance!"
Softball Game
An interoffice soft!all game was held every year !etween the 'ar%eting Department
and support staff of one company.
(he day of the game, as hard as the 'ar%eters tried, the support staff whipped the
'ar%eting Department soundly.
In their !est tradition, the 'ar%eting Department decided to find the !est "spin" they
could on the dismal result. (hey showed how they earn their %eep !y posting this
memo on the !ulletin !oard after the game)
"(he 'ar%eting Department is pleased to announce that for the recently-completed
*oft!all *eason, we came in +nd place, having lost !ut one game all year.
(he *upport Department, however, had a rather dismal season, as they won only
one game all year."
The Difference Between Optimism, Pessimism & Marketing
(he ,ptimist says, "(he glass is half full."
(he $essimist says, "(he glass is half empty."
(he 'ar%eting -onsultant says,
".our glass needs re-si/ing."
Tr This
0hile sitting at your des%, ma%e cloc%wise circles with your right foot. 0hile doing
this, draw the num!er "1" in the air with your right hand. 0hat direction is your foot
going now2
'ar%eting moral) &ocus, focus, focus3
!o" might be a marketer if###
...you refer to dating as test mar%eting.
$t%s Ro"gh O"t There
(wo women were shopping. 0hen they started to discuss their home lives, one said,
"*eems li%e all 4ohn and I do anymore is fight. Ive !een so upset Ive lost +5
pounds."
"0hy dont you 6ust leave him then2" as%ed her friend.
",h3 Not yet." the first replied, "Id li%e to lose at least another fifteen pounds first."
'ar%eting moral) .a gotta have a goal3
& B"ilt'$n Target &"(ience
A visiting customer is ta%en on a tour of a latex products factory !y the factorys
mar%eting manager.
At the first stop, hes shown the machine that manufactures !a!y-!ottle nipples. (he
machine ma%es a loud hiss-pop3 noise.
"(he hiss is the ru!!er !eing in6ected into the mold," explains the mar%eter. "(he
popping sound is a needle po%ing a hole in the end of the nipple."
#ater, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured.
(he machine ma%es a noise) "7iss. 7iss. 7iss. 7iss-pop3"
"0ait a minute3" says the customer. "I understand what the hiss, hiss, is, !ut whats
that pop3 every so often2"
",h, its 6ust the same as in the !a!y-!ottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It
po%es a hole in every fourth condom."
"0ell, that cant !e good for the condoms3"
".eah, !ut its great for the !a!y-!ottle nipple !usiness3"
The corporate boat race
An American automobile company and a Japanese auto company decided to have a
competitive boat race on the Detroit River. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their
peak performance. On the big day, they were as ready as they could be. he Japanese team
won by a mile.
Afterwards, the American team became discouraged by the loss and their morale sagged.
!orporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A
!ontinuous "easurable #mprovement eam of $%&ecutives$ was set up to investigate the
problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action. heir conclusion' he problem was
that the Japanese team had ( people rowing and ) person steering, whereas the American
team had ) person rowing and ( people steering.
he American !orporate *teering !ommittee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a
study on the management structure. After some time and billions of dollars, the consulting
firm concluded that $too many people were steering and not enough rowing.$ o prevent
losing to the Japanese again ne&t year, the management structure was changed to $+ *teering
"anagers, , Area *teering "anagers, and ) *taff *teering "anager$ and a new performance
system for the person rowing the boat to give more incentive to work harder and become a
si& sigma performer. $-e must give him empowerment and enrichment.$ hat ought to do it.
he ne&t year the Japanese team won by two miles. he American !orporation laid off the
rower for poor performance, sold all of the paddles, cancelled all capital investments for new
e.uipment, halted development of a new canoe, awarded high performance awards to the
consulting firm, and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior e&ecutives.
To be a manager
An #ndian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the
other. /e says to the waiter, $"e want coffee$.
he waiter says, $*ure chief, coming right up$. /e gets the #ndian a tall mug of coffee, and
the #ndian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air,
blasts it with the shotgun, then 0ust walks out.
he ne&t morning the #ndian returns. /e has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo
manure in the other. /e walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, $"e want coffee$. he
waiter says $-hoa, onto. -e1re still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here.
-hat the heck was that all about, anyway2$
he #ndian smiles and proudly says, $"e in training for upper management. !ome in, drink
coffee, shoot the shit, and disappear for the rest of the day.$
What do bullies and sperm have in common?
They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
Need to impress someone quickly?
1 2 3
integrated management options
heuristic organisational fle&ibility
systemati3ed monitored capability
parallel reciprocal mobility
functional digital programming
responsive logistical scenarios
optional transitional time4phase
synchroni3ed incremental pro0ection
compatible
third4
generation
hardware
futuristic policy contingency
he procedure is simple. hink of any three4digit number5 then select the corresponding
bu33word from each column. 6or instance, number 789 produces $systemati3ed logistical
pro0ection$, a phrase that can be dropped into virtually any report with that ring of decisive
knowledgeable authority. :o4one will have the remotest idea of what you1re talking about,
but the important thing is that they are not about to admit it!
Employee Placement Method
Does your organi3ation struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to 0obs2 /ere is a
handy hint for ensuring success in 0ob placement.
ake the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a
table and two chairs. ;eave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of
that time, go back and see what they are doing.
#f they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in %ngineering.
#f they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to 6inance.
#f they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to "anufacturing.
#f they are talking to the chairs, <ersonnel is a good spot for them.
#f they are writing up the e&perience, send them to ech <ubs.
#f they don1t even look up when you enter the room, assign them to *ecurity.
#f they try to tell you it1s not as bad as it looks, send them to "arketing.
#f they1ve left early, put them in *ales.
And if they1re all bullying each other, they1re "anagement material.
!"!N 1#3$ %T &'()
-e have all been to those meetings where someone wants over )==> /ere1s to achieving
)=,>. /ere1s a little
math that might prove helpful in the future?
-hat makes life )==>2
#f'
A B ! D % 6 @ / # J A ; " : O < B R * C D - E F G
e.uals'
) 7 , + 8 H 9 ( I )= )) )7 ), )+ )8 )H )9 )( )I 7= 7) 77 7, 7+ 78 7H
then'
/ A R D - O R A
( ) )( + 7, )8 )( )) J I( > Only
A : O - ; % D @ %
)) )+ )8 7, )7 8 + 9 8 J IH > Only
But'
A # C D %
) 7= 7= I 7= 7) + 8 J )== >
/owever'
B C ; ; K K K
7 7) )7 )7 )I ( I 7= J )=,>
*orporate +illy
he Dakota #ndians of :orth America passed on this piece of wisdom from generation by
word of mouth 4 $#f you are riding a dead horse the best thing to do is dismount$. /owever in
the corporate world because of the heavy investment factor other things to be tried, Lbut not
limited toM are the following
buy a stronger whip
change riders
threaten the horse with termination
appoint a committee to study the horse
arrange to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses
lower the standards so dead horses can be included
appoint an intervention team to reanimate the horse
create a training session to increase the riders load share
reclassify the horse as Nliving impaired1
change the form so it reads $his horse is not dead$
hire outside contractors to ride the dead horse
harness several dead horses together for increased speed and efficiency
donate the dead horse to a recognised charity therefore deducting its full original cost
provide additional funding to increase horse1s performance
do a time management study to see if lighter riders would improve productivity
purchase an after market product that makes dead horses run faster
declare the dead horse has lower overheads and is therefore more cost effective
form a .uality focus group to find profitable uses for dead horses
rewrite the performance re.uirements for horses
and finally if all else fails.....promote the dead horse into a supervisory LmanagementM
position
Mottos to ,ork by
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who
opposed them.
#f you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven1t completely
understood the seriousness of the situation.
Doing a 0ob R#@/ the first time gets the 0ob done. Doing the 0ob -RO:@ fourteen times
gives you 0ob security.
%agles may soar, but weasels don1t get sucked into 0et engines.
Artificial #ntelligence is no match for :atural *tupidity
A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat.
<lagiarism saves time.
#f at first you don1t succeed, try management.
:ever put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
%A"-ORA...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
he beatings will continue until morale improves.
:ever underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
-e waste time, so you don1t have to.
/ang in there, retirement is only thirty years away?
@o the e&tra mile. #t makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
A snoo3e button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
-hen the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
#:D%!#*#O: is the key to 6;%E#B#;#F.
*ucceed in spite of management.
Aim ;ow, Reach Four @oals, Avoid Disappointment.
Political Philosophies E-plained in .imple T,o/*o, Terms
*O!#A;#*" Fou have two cows. Fou keep one and give one to your neighbor.
!O""C:#*" Fou have two cows. he government takes them both and provides you with
milk.
6A*!#*" Fou have two cows. he government takes them and sells you the milk.
BCR%AC!RA!F Fou have two cows. he government takes them both, shoots one, milks
the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours it down the drain.
!A<#A;#*" Fou have two cows. Fou sell one and buy a bull.
!OR<ORA% Fou have two cows. Fou sell one, force the other to produce the milk of four
cows, then act surprised when it drops dead.
D%"O!RA!F Fou have two cows. he government ta&es you to the point that you must
sell them both in order to pay the ta&es to support a man in a foreign country who has only
one cow which was a gift from your government.
0eeling better
Just sit back, rela&, feel the tension leave your body ... picture yourself near a stream. Birds
are chirping in the crisp, cool mountain air. Butterflies waft in the bree3e. ;eaves rustle.
:othing can bother you here. :obody knows this secret place. Fou are in complete seclusion
from that place called 1the world1. he soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a
cascade of serenity. he water is clear.
Fou can easily make out the face of the person whose head you are holding under the water.
here now........ don1t you feel better2
&%1. T' )EEP % 2E%3T21 3E"E3 '0 !N.%N!T1 !N T2E &'()P3%*E
<age yourself over the intercom. LDon1t disguise your voice.M
6ind out where your boss shops and buy e&actly the same outfits. Always wear them one day
after your boss does. Lhis is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you
are.M
!ome to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, $# can1t talk about it$.
*end email to the rest of the company telling them what you1re doing. 6or e&ample $#f anyone
needs me, #1ll be in the bathroom.$
<hone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say $Just called to say #
can1t talk right now. Bye$.
$/i4lite$ your shoes. ell people that you haven1t lost your shoes since you did this.
<ut up mos.uito netting around your cubicle.
%very time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
-hen someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, $"mmmmmm,
that feels soooooo good?$.
<ut your garbage can on your desk. ;abel it $#:.$
Determine how many cups of coffee is $too many.$
<ut decaf in the coffeemaker for , weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine
addictions, switch to espresso.
-alk sideways to the photocopier.
;eave the copy machine set to reduce 7==>, e&tra dark )9 inch paper, II copies.
-hile riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
#f you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
-hen driving colleagues around insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all
weather conditions $to keep 1em tuned up.$
*ay to your boss, $# like your style$ and shoot him with double4barrelled fingers.
Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask $Did you get all that, # don1t want to have
to repeat it$.
Reply to everything someone says with $that1s what FOC think2$.
<ractice making fa& and modem noises.
"ake beeping noises when a large person backs up.
Aneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the no33le.
6inish all your sentences with the words $in accordance with prophesy.$
*ignal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
*hout random numbers while someone is counting.
*taple papers in the middle of the page.
<ublicly investigate 0ust how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
F<% O:;F #: C<<%R!A*%.
type only in lowercase.
dont use any punctuation either
Repeat the following conversation a few times' $Do you hear that2$ $-hat2$ $:ever mind,
it1s gone now.$
As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
-hen nearly done, announce $no, wait, # messed it up,$ and repeat.
Ask people what gender they are.
-hile making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
*it in the car park at lunch time pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
Ask your co4workers mysterious .uestions and then scribble their answers in a notebook.
"utter something about $psychological profiles$.
-hy not try some of the following neat little e&ercises, not only will it make meetings more
interesting but your fellow workmates will become suddenly more alert and maintain a
respectful distance. By following these simple guidelines during important meetings, you too
can be an unmitigated success'
Discreetly clasp hold of someone1s hand and whisper' 1can you feel it21 from the corner of
your mouth.
Draw enormous genitalia on your notepad and discreetly show it to the person ne&t to you for
their approval.
-hen refreshments are presented, immediately distribute one biscuit to each of the attendees,
then systematically smash each one with your fist in front of them.
!hew tobacco.
-ear a hands free phone headset throughout once in a while drift off into an unrelated
conversation, such as' 1# don1t care if there are no dwarfs, 0ust get the show done?1
-rite the words 1he fancies you1 on your pad and show it to the person ne&t to you while
indicating with your pen.
Respond to a serious .uestion with' 1# don1t know what to say, obviously #1m flattered, but it1s
all happened so fast1.
Cse :am style 0argon such as 1what1s the %A21, 1who1s on recon21 O !harlie don1t surf1.
Reconstruct the meeting in front of you using action figures and when anyone moves re4
arrange the figures accordingly.
*have one of your forearms.
Draw a chalk circle around one of the chairs then avoid sitting on it, when the meeting starts.
-hen someone does eventually sit in it, cover your mouth and gasp.
urn your back on the meeting and sit facing the window with your legs stretched out.
Announce that you 1love this dirty town1.
-alk directly up to a colleague and stand nose to nose with him for ) minute.
"ount the desk and walk along its length before taking your seat.
Reflect sunlight into everyone1s eyes off your watch face.
@argle with water.
Repeat every idea they e&press in a baby voice while moving your hand like a chattering
mouth.
@radually push yourself closer and closer to the door on your chair.
/um throughout.
<ull out a large roll of bank notes and count them demonstratively.
Bend momentarily under the table then emerge wearing contact lenses that white out your
eyes.
Drop meaningless O confusing management speak into conversations such as'1 what1s the
margin, "arvin2$-hen1s this turkey going to get basted2$ #f we don1t get this brook babbling
we1re all going to end up looking like doe4eyed labradors1
<roduce a hamster from your pocket and suggest throwing it to one another as a means of
idea4e&change.
Cse a large hunting knife to point at your visual aids.
Announce that you1ve run off some copies of the meeting agenda. hen hand out pieces of
paper that read'
"y secret agenda
) rample the weak
7 riumph alone
, #nvade <oland
Re4collect them sheepishly and ask everyone to pretend they haven1t seen them.
Attempt to hypnotise the entire room using a pocket watch.
;eave long pauses in your speech at random moments. -hen someone is prompted to
inter0ect shout 1# A" :O 6#:#*/%D1.
% prayer +or the stressed
@rant me the serenity to accept the things # cannot change, the courage to change the things #
cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those # had to kill today because they got
on my nerves.
Also help me to be careful of the toes # step on today as they may be connected to the feet #
may have to kiss tomorrow.
/elp me always to give )==> at work...
)7> on "onday,
7,>on uesday,
+=> on -ednesday,
7=> on hursday, and
8> on 6riday.
/elp me to remember...
-hen #1m having a bad day and it seems that people are trying to wind me up, it takes +7
muscles to frown, 7( to smile and only four to e&tend my arm and smack someone in the
mouth?
1ou spell potatoe and ! spell potato444
Remember Dan Buayle2 /ere are some memorable Dan Buayle .uotes...
$A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.$
$# believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy 4 but that
could change.$
$#f we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure.$
$# love !alifornia5 # practically grew up in <hoeni&.$
$# stand by all the misstatements that #1ve made.$
$#t isn1t pollution that1s harming the environment. #t1s the impurities in our air and water that
are doing it.$
$One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice4president, and that one word is 1to
be prepared1.$
$<eople that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous
impact on history.$
$he future will be better tomorrow.$
$he /olocaust was an obscene period in our nation1s history. # mean in this century1s history.
But we all lived
in this century. # didn1t live in this century.$
$he loss of life will be irreplaceable.$
$-e are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.$
$-e have a firm commitment to :AO, we are a part of :AO. -e have a firm commitment
to %urope. -e are a part of %urope.$
$-e1re going to have the best4educated American people in the world.$
$-hat a waste it is to lose one1s mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. /ow true
that is.$
$-hen # have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in ;A,
my answer has
been direct and simple' -ho is to blame for the riots2 he rioters are to blame. -ho is to
blame for the killings2
he killers are to blame.$
$Derbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.$
&ork &isdom
Aauffman1s <arado& of the !orporation' he less important you are to the corporation, the
more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
he *alary A&iom' he pay raise is 0ust large enough to increase your ta&es and 0ust small
enough to have no effect on your take4home pay.
-einer1s ;aw of ;ibraries' here are no answers, only cross4references.
;ampner1s ;aw of %mployment' -hen leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. -hen you
leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.
3ETTE( E%T *%)E
he new manager walks into his office and, while settling into his new desk, finds +
envelopes. On one he finds the words $open me first,$ and the other three are numbered ) to
,.
/e opens the first envelope and finds a letter from his predecessor saying' $hese three
envelopes will save you a world of trouble. #n case of emergency, please open these
envelopes in se.uential order5 envelope one first, envelope two second, and envelope three
third.$
he manager shrugs, puts the envelopes back, and forgets about them.
*i& months later, the workers go on strike. he company closes, and is losing money fast.
After a long night negotiating with the union, he remembers the , envelopes. *o he opens the
first one and it says' $Blame me, your predecessor for every thing$.
-onderful idea he thinks, and indeed it works and the crisis comes to its end. /is 0ob is
saved, and everybody1s happy.
A few months later, another strike hits. /e goes to the drawer and opens the second envelope.
#t reads, $Blame the government for everything$.
#t works like a charm, and he breathes a sigh of relief as his 0ob is, once again, saved.
A month later the workers declare another strike. he manager goes to the third envelope and
it reads, $<repare + new envelopes$.
&hat 5ob ads really mean
Competitive salary
-e remain competitive by paying you less than our competition.
Join our fast-paced company
-e have no time to train you.
Casual work atmosphere
-e don1t pay enough to e&pect that you will dress up5 a couple of the real daring guys wear
earrings.
Some overtime required
*ome every night and some every weekend.
Duties will vary
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
Must have an eye for detail
-e have no .uality assurance.
Career-minded
6emale applicants must be childless Land remain that wayM.
Apply in person
#f you1re old, fat or ugly you1ll be told that the position has been filled.
Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience
Fou1ll need it to replace the three people who 0ust .uit.
ro!lem-solving skills a must
Fou1re walking into perpetual chaos.
"equires team leadership skills
Fou1ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
#ood communication skills
"anagement communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
The .i- Phases o+ a Pro5ect
). %nthusiasm
7. Disillusionment
,. <anic
+. *earch for the guilty
8. <unishment of the innocent
H. <raise and honour for the non4participants
(ecipe +or trouble
#ngredients'
Bully
Bad "anagement
/ot -ater
arget
#n double broiler melt together Bully and Bad "anagement. Add lots of /ot -ater. Bring to a
simmer. ransfer to pressure cooker and add arget Lbut leave lid offM. *immer target in
mi&ture until arget looks competent, then turn up the heat until achieving a rolling boil.
Remove arget and strip it of integrity, self4esteem and dignity. Return to pot. !over and wait
for arget to e&plode. Reserve Bully stock for ne&t arget.
6eeds many bullies.
Perspecti6es444
-hen # take a long time #1m slow
-hen my boss takes a long time he1s thorough
-hen # don1t do it #1m la3y
-hen my boss doesn1t do it he1s busy
-hen # make a mistake, #1m an idiot.
-hen my boss makes a mistake, he1s only human.
-hen # do something without being told, #1m overstepping my authority
-hen my boss does the same, that1s initiative
-hen # take a stand, #1m being bull4headed
-hen my boss does it, he1s being firm.
-hen # overlooked a rule of eti.uette, #1m being rude
-hen my boss skips a few rules, he1s being original
-hen #1m out of the office, #1m wandering around
-hen my boss is out of the office, he1s on business
-hen #1m on a day off sick, #1m always sick
-hen your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill
-hen # apply for leave, # must be going for an interview
-hen my boss applies for leave, it1s because he1s overworked
-hen # please my boss #1m crawling
-hen my boss pleases his boss, he1s co4operating
-hen # do good, my boss never remembers
-hen # do wrong, my boss never forgets........
.ome ,ords o+ ,isdom +rom 3aurence 7 Peter444
<eter1s <rinciple' in an organi3ation, each person rises to the level of his own incompetence.
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
and
Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who will get the
blame.
!8m in charge!
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge. $#
should be in charge$, said the brain, $because # run all the body1s systems, so without me
nothing would happen$.
$# should be in charge$, said the blood, $because # circulate o&ygen all over, so without me
you1d all waste away$.
$# should be in charge$, said the stomach, $because # process food and give all of you
energy$.
$# should be in charge$, said the rectum, $because #1m responsible for waste removal$.
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down
tight.
-ithin a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood
was to&ic.
%ventually the other organs gave in. hey all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.
he moral of the story2
Fou don1t have to be smart or important to be in charge ... 0ust an asshole.
'++ice 5argon
). Blamestorming' *itting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a
pro0ect failed, and who was responsible.
7. Body :a3is' /ard4core e&ercise and weight4lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who
doesn1t work out obsessively.
,. *eagull "anager 4 A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, poops over everything and
then leaves.
+. !hainsaw !onsultant' An outside e&pert brought in to reduce the employee head count,
leaving the top brass with clean hands.
8. !ube 6arm' An office filled with cubicles.
H. #dea /amsters' <eople who always seem to have their idea generators running.
9. "ouse <otato' he online, wired generation1s answer to the couch potato.
(. <rairie Dogging' -hen someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and
people1s heads pop up over the walls to see what1s going on.
I. *#!O"s' -hat yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working
to stay home with the kids. *tands for *ingle #ncome, wo !hildren, Oppressive "ortgage.
)=. *.uirt the Bird' o transmit a signal to a satellite.
)). *tarter "arriage' A short4lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no
property and no regrets.
)7. *tress <uppy' A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
),. *wiped Out' An A" or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic
strip is worn away from e&tensive use.
)+. ourists' <eople who take training classes 0ust to get a vacation from their 0obs. $-e had
three serious students in the class5 the rest were 0ust tourists.$
)8. reeware' /acker slang for documentation or other printed material.
)H. Eero& *ubsidy' %uphemism for swiping free photocopies from one1s work place.
)9. Alpha @eek 4 he most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work
group.
)(. Assmosis 4 he process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement
by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
)I. !hips and *alsa' !hips e.uals ,D hardware and salsa e.uals ,D software. $-ell, first we
gotta figure out if the problem1s in your chips or your salsa.$
7=. 6light Risk 4 Csed to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a
company or department soon.
7). @OOD Job 4 A $@et4Out4Of4Debt$ 0ob. A well4paying 0ob people take in order to pay off
their debts, one that they will .uit as soon as they are solvent again.
77. #rritainment 4 %ntertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself
unable to stop watching them. he O.J. trials were a prime e&ample.
7,. <ercussive "aintenance 4 he fine art of whacking the poop out of an electronic device to
get it to work again.
7+. Cninstalled or Deinstalled 4 %uphemisms for being fired. /eard on the voice mail of a
vice president at a downsi3ing computer firm' $Fou have reached the number of an
uninstalled vice president. <lease dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance.$
*ee also Decruitment.
78. Dulcan :erve <inch 4 he ta&ing hand position re.uired to reach all the appropriate keys
for certain commands. 6or instance, the warm re4boot for a "ac ## computer involves
simultaneously pressing the !ontrol key, the !ommand key, the Return key and the <ower
On key.
7H. Fuppie 6ood *tamps 4 he ubi.uitous P7= bills spewed out of A"s everywhere. Often
used when trying to split the bill after a meal' $-e owe P( each, but all anybody1s got is
yuppie food stamps.$
79. *almon Day 4 he e&perience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get
screwed and die.
7(. !;" 4 !areer ;imiting "ove 4 Csed among microserfs to describe ill4advised activity.
rashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious !;".
7I. Adminisphere 4 he rarefied organi3ational layers beginning 0ust above the rank and file.
Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to
the problems they were designed to solve.
,=. Dilberted 4 o be e&ploited and oppressed by2 your boss2 Derived from the e&periences
of Dilbert, the geek4in4hell comic strip character. $#1ve been Dilberted again. he old man
revised the specs for the fourth time this week.$
,). Ohnosecond 4 hat minuscule fraction of time in which you reali3e that you1ve 0ust made
a B#@ mistake.
To be a manager
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and reali3es he is lost. /e reduces height and spots a man
down below. /e lowers the balloon further and shouts, $%&cuse me. !an you help me2 #
promised my friend # would meet him half an hour ago, but # don1t know where # am.$
he man below says, $Fes, you are in a hot air balloon hovering appro&imately ,= feet above
this field. Fou are between += O +7 degrees : latitude and between 8( O H= degrees -.
longitude.$
$Fou must be an engineer,$ says the balloonist.
$# am,$ replies the man. $/ow did you know2$
$-ell,$ says the balloonist, $everything you have told me is technically correct but # have no
idea what to make of your information and the fact is # am still lost.$
he man below says, $Fou must be a manager$
$# am,$ replies the balloonist, $but how did you know2$
$-ell,$ says the man below, $you don1t know where you are or where you are going. Fou
have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep and you e&pect me to solve your
problem. he fact is you are in e&actly the same position you were in before we met but now
it is somehow my fault.$
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
RESEARCHERS DISCOVER NEW EE!EN"
The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by materials
researchers. The new element, tentatively named Administratium, has no
protons or electrons, and thus has an atomic weight of 0. However, it does have
one neuron, !" assistant neutrons, #" vice neutrons, and assistant vice
neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of $!. These $! particles are held
together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous e%change of
particles called morons.
&ince it has no electrons, Administratium is totally inert. However, it can be
detected chemically, since it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with.
According to its discovers, a tiny amount of Administratium caused one reaction
to take over four days to complete' the normal reaction time is less than one
second.
Administratium has a normal half life of appro%imately three years, at which time
it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes a reorgani(ation in which
neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons e%change places. &tudies
have shown that the atomic mass usually increases after each reorgani(ation.
)esearch at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in
the atmosphere. *t tends to concentrate at certain points, such as governmental
agencies, large corporations, and universities. *t is always found in the newest,
best appointed and best maintained buildings. &cientists point out that
Administratium is known to be to%ic at any level of concentration and can easily
destroy any productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are
being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent
irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.
9ilbert8s &ords o+ &isdom
). # can please only one person per day. oday is not your day. omorrow1s not looking good
either.
7. # love deadlines. # especially love the swooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
,. ell me what you need, and #1ll tell you how to get along without it.
+. Accept that some days you1re the pigeon, and some days you1re the statue.
8. :eeding someone is like needing a parachute. #f he isn1t there the first time you need him,
chances are you won1t be needing him again.
H. # don1t have an attitude problem. Fou have a perception problem.
9. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
(. # don1t suffer from stress 4 #1m a carrier...
I. %verybody is somebody else1s weirdo...
)=. :ever argue with an idiot. hey drag you down to their level then beat you with
e&perience.