Ive always grown up around the internet, the internet is basically like pretty much my dad.

In fact, the internet is

better than my dad.

But, actually, wait, no, theres a lot of stuff thats actually really wrong with the internet, like REALLY, REALLY
deeply disordered about it. My lifelong exposure to the WWW has left me with many emotional scars that will
surely never fully heal.
I have ADD. I didnt used to have ADD, I used to be able to
pick up a book and finish it, I used to be able to sit down and
But there is one thing my internet dad and my
meat dad share in common with one another;
both of them are a couple of big ol patriarchal
donut holes.
Both of them have said and done a whole
bunch of fucked up fuckshittery, but you know
what? In the end, internet dad was always the
more fun one, and doesnt say weird, vaguely
sexual things about coffee in the workplace...
...
...okay, so the internet probably
would do that if it could, but thats just
grasping for sour patch straws here.
write an entire terrible angsty fantasy novella about how my
body is like a prison and the rest of humanity are all the
wardens. I wrote so much back in highschool that my wrists
are perma-fucked by repetitive motion. I could weave entire
vast boundless cosmoses of sad, adolelescent post-emo
whining poetry that I later burned out of embarssment.
For instance, I met this girl in Mexico. She wasnt actually from Mexico, though, she was from New Mexico
which is also where my mom is from sort of...
but, yeah, she was really, really beautiful. I was full of hecks of gay feelings about her before I even knew how gay they were. Her
hair was like ridiculously red, like, maraschino cherry red. Or, I mean, it probably wasnt actually that red, because thats pretty
obviously outside the range of genetic human variation, but you know what? Just go with it. But I remember her looking like Ariel
from The Little Mermaid, except that she wore cargo pants all the time, or at least did all the time when she was in Mexico at this
marine biology place where we were working.
Our teacher was like mesmerized by the idea that anyone there could have an
interest in anything besides marine biology. Like, this one grad student there lent
one of my classmates, this fucking chadbro Blink 182 fanboy who almost got us
fucked by bringing weed over the border, a copy of some dumb Tom Green movie,
and our teacher was really pissed off and bewildered, because he couldnt grasp why
a marine biologist would have any business with a film that had graphic sex
involving nipple play in it.
---->
Now, imagine for a second a world where I had
actually typed out all of that stuff instead??
Imagine that I posted it on, I guess, MySpace?
Livejournal? whatever the cool thing was at that
time. My awkward, teen closeted trazzle
adolescent lesbian demisexual frustrations
Speaking of which, I felt really unsettled by watching straight people
sex at that time in my life. I still do, tbh, but it was like a lot worse
back then, and more confusing and gross. This figures back into that
whole thing with that Ariel girl. I honestly cant remember what her
real name was anymore, I think it mightve been Chloe or something. I
had all these gay feels for her, but I really couldnt make sense of why
they werent just like I want to fuck her, because they like totally
werent. When I looked at Clara or whatever, I just felt this deep, all
encompassing warm feeling that was kind of like my soul had just
peed on itself and felt completely okay with it. I kind of just wanted,
to, like, sit at the beach with her and listen to Fleetwood Mac and
touch her hair, because her hair really was some super tubular shit.
Like, there were probably some
times that it did cross my
mind that if I had a vagina,
Id want her to do some stuff
to my vagina, but, like, what
does one even do about
thoughts such as that??
I wrote a lot of poetry about her, I wrote it
by hand, and I then I destroyed every last
one of those little tear-off notebook chads
of it until none was left. Because it all
sucked.
wouldve been a sad,
pathetic circus side show
for the generations.
And thats another bad thing about the internet if you ask me; it saves everyones most fucked up of fuck ups for the rest
of eternity. Thousands of years from now, after the an-caps have pushed us into a new dark age, some rich warlord will
probably dig up some well preserved server bank, turn it on, and nd vast, ancient archives of juggalo-furry Game of
Thrones fancs and the entire Tumblr history of previously trending yaoi-related reblogs
The accomplishments of
some of the greatest minds
of our era will be lost
forever, and all anyone will
know about them will be
that ination porn comic of
dinosaurs that they made in
M.S. paint in 8th grade.
But the worst thing about the internet, the really, really, really worst thing about it, is
how you can never actually get across the points that you want to get across the right
way no matter how hard you try. Try to get moral support on your blog because broke
your butt? Congratulations, you just implied that you think polio is a good thing! Tell
everyone that youre proud of your sister?? Wtf!? How could you say those sort of things
about iguana owners?!!! YOURE HORRIBLE!!!! There arent enough emoticons in existence
for you to talk about the evils of big paper and have people really know that you mean it
and youre not just another dope-smoking hippie who just wants the paper industry to die
so people will finally take the wacky tobaccy seriously.
With the internet, sincerity is dead, and were all partying and watching anime on its grave.
The internet is the trojan horse of post-modern cultural degradation, its human de-evolution dressed in a lovely
cardigan of cat videos.u!"#" !"#o pu" !"#o p"!do$ "q o% sloq&$s ss"l#u!u""& o% s"#l"s!no
"$np"! osl" "' '$#olou%$"% %%!' p"%"!#"%u! "!o& 'o!# ll" "' s!We become
vile puppets like Martha Stewart, engineered by the forces
of neoliberalism to force women back into domestic roles in
order to suit the powerful chadlluminati.
Speaking of chads, the internet is the ultimate playground of the chads.
Like, over 99% of the web is taken over by these vile beasts. No one who
is not chad can comfortably discuss non-chad issues, at least not outside of the safe-spaces. And then
the chads make fun of those
spaces relentlessly and do everyhthing they can to break into them and
shit there. Contrary to narratives of the faggy technosexual that high chadlords such as Glenn
Beck perpetuate, the internet has
actually really helped men be men; that is, abusive whiny babies who
fear the loss of their complete and utter brutal hegemony over the world every second of every day.
.dad my than better is internet the ,fact In .dad my much pretty like basically is internet the ,internet the around
up grown always veI
!Maybe the only reason I think of the internet as my dad, not my mom, is because the internet has been given
a male essence. The most vocal component of cyberculture is aggressive, shitty bros. The gamer bros, the
music bros, the wikipedia bros, the programmer bros, the sports bros, the alt lit bros, the regular lit bros, the art
bros, the anime bros, the gay bros, *chan kids, redditor scum, ancaps, MRAs, PUAs, edgy netkids, villainous
neckbeards. The internet courses with testosterone at each and every turn.!
!Yet, the internet is also pretty obviously queer as f. Donna Haraway knew so. Boundaries between binaries
seem to decay more and more as cyberspace and meatspace become intertwined, mingling together into a
single androgynous organism. !
Actually, androgyny doesnt even make any sense here, thats like me trying to make sense of all those
feelings I had toward Zoe or whatever her name was in high school. Everything is mingling together into one big
gay mass of gayness, and our only hope is to stop trying to treat everything as this thing or that thing and just
let everything be both the same and different at once without worrying about the contradictions involved.
Contradictions are good, contradictions are life. The internet is a truly beautiful thing on the deepest spiritual
level, the internet is basically like pretty much my mom.
"!The normalcools on those EDM forums may think that theyre smart by dividing everything into infinite
stepped subgenres inside of subgenres, but mayb e all of them are just lying to themselves about what is
actually happening because their fragile egos are threatened by the coming dissolution. They struggle to break
the universe into ever smaller pieces because of their raw fear of how little it actually matters in the end.!#
Maybe my ADD is actually just my brain coming to terms with a vast maelstrom of
information that my feeble western kyriarchical paradigm will never be able to
integrate, maybe its brain telling me putting stuff into neat boxes is seeming more
and more ridiculous every day, and to just forget about it and be subsumed by the
storm.
I never actually talked to Cally about my feeling for her ever, because I was too nerdy, and socially inept, and gay. It hardly matters to
me now, the part of me that had a crush on her is probably dead now, taken away to make room for more cybernetic data storage for
fake names of sketchy facebook accounts. She wouldnt even fi t into that world now, she was a part of binaristic meat/internet
world, shed make no sense in this gayass meatinternet clusterfuck weve got going on. And you know what, I feel okay wi th that,
because I honestly hadnt even thought about her in years until I sat down to wri te this, because I got distracted by other things.
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I FEEL LIKE SHIT. THIS WAS SUCH A BAD IDEA. THIS WORLD HAS DESTROYED ME. TECHNOLOGY HAS
POISONED ME. PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET TOLD ME TO DO THIS SHIT TO MYSELF, AND I LISTENED BECAUSE
IM A WEAK WILLED BABY, BECAUSE OF THE INTERNET. I COULDNT STOP MYSELF, BECAUSE I HAVE VERY
BAD JUDGEMENT ABOUT EVERYTHING, BECAUSE OF THE INTERNET. I JUST WANT NOTORIETY DOING
SOMETHING IN MY SAD LIFE, AND IVE COME TO BELIEVE THAT THIS MIGHT BE POSSIBLE EVEN WITH A
MINIMUM OF EFFORT, BECAUSE OF THE INTERNET. I NEED TO EAT REAL FOOD BUT FEEL LIKE I MIGHT
THROW UP, BECAUSE OF THE INTERNET. I FEEL DIZZY AND SLEEPY AND LISTLESS YET ALSO
OVERWHELMINGLY AMPED UP, BECAUSE OF THE INTERNET. OUR HOUSE HAS A CENTIPEDE INFESTATION,
BECAUSE OF THE INTERNET. JESUS PROBABLY DOESNT EVEN LIKE ME MUCH ANYMORE BECAUSE OF THE
INTERNET. I WILL NEVER BE IN A REAL AND FULFILLING LONGTERM RELATIONSHIP, BECAUSE OF THE
INTERNET.
THE INTERNET RUINED MY LIFE, IT WILL RUIN YOUR LIFE TOO, AND THERES NOTHING ANY OF US CAN DO
TO STOP IT, BECAUSE NONE OF US EVEN KNOW WHATS REAL OR NOT ANYMORE.
I dont even quite understand if this piece is supposed to be satire, or serious. I really dont. Maybe I
should heed over-caffeinated glycemic spike mes advice above and just accept the meaninglessness and
ambiguity and contridictory nature of the new world order. Maybe I should just stop trying to make sense
of anything and embrace the swirling, nauseous void of panic and uncertainty that is consuming me. Maybe
I should dump the rest of this weird tea stuff because I seriously feel like I might die if I keep drinking
it. I seriously havent felt this bad since that russian prison tea experiment back in 12.