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Edition: 10
Language: English
Letters of Introduction,
Salutes and Salutations
Calls,
Conversation,
Invitations,
Dinner Company,
Balls,
Morning and Evening Parties,
Visiting,
Street Etiquette,
Riding and Driving,
Travelling,
Etiquette in Church,
Etiquette for Places of Amusement,
Servants,
Hotel Etiquette,
Etiquette at Weddings,
Baptisms and Funerals.
Etiquette with Children and at the Card Table,
Visiting Cards,
Lettter-Writing,
The Lady's Toilet,
The Gentleman's Toilet,
1869
PREFACE.
For a long time the little book which we now offer to the public
has been wanted in the library of the fashionable world; the
customs, the etiquette, the different obligations which society
imposes upon those who live in its midst, change frequently, and
although the general principles are the same, although politeness
and civility are of all epoques and times, nevertheless there are
few persons so entirely at home in all the forms that they do not
on some occasion feel hesitation as to the proper manner of
conducting themselves.
The subjects treated are all classed that they may have easy
reference, and admit of consultation at a moment's notice.
The little book goes forth with one pretension only, one ambition
alone--to be useful.
CONTENTS.
---
THE
LAWS AND BY-LAWS
OF AMERICAN SOCIETY.
Etiquette is, in point of fact, nothing more nor less than the
law, written and unwritten, which regulates the society of
civilized people, distinguishing them from the communities of
barbarous tribes, whose lives are hard and their manners still
harder. It is to a well disciplined and refined mind the
fundamental principle of action in all intercourse with society,
and they are interested in maintaining it in its integrity, and
bound to heed and obey its simplest as well as more formal
precepts. The real law-giver is the general convenience, speaking
with authority and the experience of many years; and it will be
found that even in those cases, where the meaning of its rules may
be somewhat obscure at first sight, there is an underlying reason
for the regulation laid down.
Most people have heard of the gentleman (?) who was perfect in his
knowledge of the laws of etiquette, and who, seeing a man
drowning, took off his coat and was about to plunge into the water
to rescue him, when he suddenly remembered that he had never been
introduced to the struggling victim, and resuming his coat,
tranquilly proceeded upon his way.
Not less absurd are a thousand instances where a regard for formal
mannerism takes the place of the easy grace that is the mark of
true politeness, which being well acquired and habitual, is never
obtrusive or offensively prominent. Too rigid an observance of the
laws of etiquette makes them an absurdity and a nuisance.
True politeness must come from the heart, from an unselfish desire
to please others and contribute to their happiness; when upon this
natural impulse is placed the polish of a complete and thorough
knowledge of the laws of etiquette, the manners must be perfect
and graceful.
The most perfect law of politeness, the safest and surest guide in
all that pertains to the true definition of a gentleman or lady
is, after all, the Christian rule:
No one with this for a guide can ever fail in true, genuine
_politeness_, and that politeness will soon lead him to learn and
remember all the prevailing rules of established _etiquette_.
INTRODUCTIONS.
NEVER introduce people to each other unless you are sure the
acquaintance so commenced will be mutually agreeable.
If, when walking with one friend, you should meet another, it is
not necessary to introduce them; indeed, you should not do so
without special reason for it. Never, even after an introduction,
start a long conversation, unless all continue the walk in the
same direction.
Should you, when walking with a friend, meet a lady who desires to
speak to you, your friend must stop with you, yet an introduction
under such circumstances does not exact any future recognition.
LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION.
Letters of introduction should bear upon the envelope the name and
address of the party introduced, written in the left hand corner--
thus:
"Yours sincerely,
"E. B. Lyons."
In shaking hands, do not try to wring them off the wrists, nor
press them as in a vise, nor pull them as though they were bell
handles, nor fling the two together with violence, so as to cause
a report. Let the palms grasp each other firmly, but without any
display of energy, and shake the hand moderately for a moment,
then release it. Mr. Pecksniff was wont to clasp his left hand
over his "dear friend's" right hand, resting in his own right.
This practice may be very effective, from a scenic point of view,
but it is not countenanced by any rule of etiquette.
"When Sir Walter Manny and his men returned from a successful
sortie out of Henneboune, the chronicle tells us,' The Countess de
Montfort came down from the castle to meet them, and with a most
cheerful countenance kissed Sir Walter Manny and all his
companions, one after the other, like a noble and valiant dame.'"
Modern etiquette would hardly speak in praise of such a lady in
the current year.
In entering a room, a gentleman must take his hat, cane and gloves
in his left hand, leaving his right hand free for salutation.
"It would seem that good manners were originally the mere
expression of submission from the weaker to the stronger. In a
rude state of society every salutation is to this day an act of
worship. Hence the commonest acts, phrases and signs of courtesy
with which we are now familiar, date from those earlier stages
when the strong hand ruled, and the inferior demonstrated his
allegiance by studied servility. Let us take for example the
words' Sir' and' Madam.'' Sir' is derived from Seigneur, Sieur',
Sire, and originally meant Lord, King, Ruler, and in its
patriarchal sense, Father. The title of Sire was last borne by
some of the ancient feudal families of France who, as Selden has
said, 'affected rather to be styled by the name of Sire than
Baron, as Le Sire de Montmorenci and the like.'
"To bare the head was originally an act of submission to gods and
rulers. A bow is a modified protestation. A lady's courtesy is a
modified genuflexion. Rising and standing are acts of homage; and
when we wave our hand to the friend on the opposite side of the
street, we are unconsciously imitating the Romans who, as Selden
tells us, used to stand somewhat off before the images of their
gods, solemnly moving the right hand to the lips and casting it,
as if they had cast kisses.'
"Again, men remove the glove when they shake hands with a lady--a
custom evidently of feudal origin. The knight removed his iron
gauntlet, the pressure of which would have been all too harsh for
the palm of a fair _chatelaine_, and the custom which began in
necessity has travelled down to us as a point of etiquette."
CALLS.
WHEN ladies have, according to the French custom, set apart one
morning or one evening in the week for receiving callers, it is a
breach of etiquette to call at any other time, unless a short
visit in the city or business that will not admit of delay are the
excuses. An hour in the evening, and from ten to twenty minutes in
the morning are the limits for a formal call.
When there is no time thus set apart, formal calls must be paid in
the morning, but with friends of long standing the evening call is
not only permissible, but often far more welcome.
To greet the safe return of any friend who has been abroad, or
away from home for any length of time.
Morning calls must never be earlier than noon, evening ones never
later than nine o'clock.
A gentleman may never call with a friend upon a lady, unless the
friend is previously acquainted, or he has obtained permission of
the lady to introduce him.
A card used in calling must never have anything upon it, but the
name and address of the caller. Nothing can show a greater
ignorance of the customs of society than to use a business card
for a friendly call. A physician may put the prefix Dr. or the
professional M.D., upon his card, and an Army or Navy officer his
rank and branch of service. Thus a civilian's card must be simply:
JAMES LAWTON,
417 L--- Street.
A physician's:
An Army officer's:
An Naval officer's:
It is better for a lady not to have a child with her when paying
calls, unless it is trained to sit silent, or old enough to behave
with quiet propriety.
The most trivial subjects are admissible for a call, and it is not
in good taste to discuss deep interests, political questions or
matters of grave moment.
When the lady of the house is not at home, a card must be left,
and if there are two or more ladies, the turning down of one
corner of the card signifies that the call was intended for all
the family,
----
* To take leave.
-----
Cards sent during the illness of any member of the family to whom
they are sent, must be accompanied by verbal inquiries regarding
the patient's health. The same rule applies to the survivors when
cards of condolence are sent.
Cards may be left or sent the day after a ball or large evening
party.
Residents in a place make the first call upon any new comers.
Never resume your seat after having once left it to say adieu.
There is nothing more awkward than to take leave twice. A lady who
is receiving morning visits, may keep some trifling fancy-work in
her hand, if she desires; but drawing, music, writing or any other
absorbing occupation must at once be laid aside.
A call may be made upon a friend to whom some good fortune has
come, as promotion in service or other happy event, even if he has
not returned the last of your visits.
A lady who allows remarks to be made upon a caller, who has just
left the room, commits not only a breach of etiquette, but a
positive rudeness and ill-natured act. It is quite easy to check
any such disposition by a grave reserve, and to turn the
conversation at once.
No mistress of the house may ever leave the room when there are
visitors in it.
CONVERSATION.
Avoid as utterly hateful the use of slang terms. There are surely
words enough in the English language to express all the thoughts
and ideas of the mind, and it is a sign of pure vulgarity to
employ synonyms, the only remarkable part of which is that they
derive their existence solely from vulgar sources. In a gentleman
such expressions are too suggestive of low company, and
intercourse with the worst associates, and in a lady such
expressions are too offensive to be tolerated at all in good
society. Slang never ornamented conversation, but it invariably
sullies and degrades it. Equally to be censured as a violation of
etiquette, and more so in a moral point of view, is the use of
profanity; it is a sure mark, not only of low-breeding, but of a
narrow, degraded if not a positively vicious mind. Lamont says:
Trite remarks are simply drags upon conversation, and may produce
awkward effects. It is told of Charles Lamb, that he was one day
at dinner at a friend's house, where amongst a number of literary
men was a solitary individual who had been invited for no apparent
reason. The poor man thought that, being in such company, it
behoved him to talk of some one or something literary. In an evil
moment he said, without being conscious of the triteness of his
remark: "Do you not think, sir, that Milton was a great genius?"
Charles Lamb gazed at him curiously, rose, went to the sideboard
and lighted a candle, with which he advanced, in solemn wise, to
where the trite talker sat, and said as one who is about to look
at some unusual object of interest-holding his candle near the
poor man's head the while: "Will you allow me to examine this
gentleman's pericranium?" Lamb was undoubtedly rude, but the other
gave him enormous provocation.
"Oh, indeed, I did not know that!" exclaimed the man, upon some
intelligent remark made by one of the company, whereupon the
Doctor broke in with: "Sir, what you do not know would fill a very
large library."
Refrain from the use of satire, even if you are master of the art.
It is permissible only as a guard against impertinence, or for the
purpose of checking personalities, or troublesome intrusions.
Under no circumstances whatever should it be used merely for
amusement's sake, to produce an effect, or in order to show off
one's own wit. It must never be employed by a gentleman against a
lady, though ladies are prone to indulge in the use of this wordy
weapon. Their acknowledged position should, in the eyes of a true
gentleman, shield them from all shafts of satire. If they, on the
other hand, choose to indulge in satire, it is the part of a
gentleman to remonstrate gently, and if the invective be
continued, to withdraw. There was a case in point during the
Austro-Prussian war. The Grand Duchess of ---, being visited by a
Prussian General on business, took occasion to pour forth upon him
the unmeasured violence of her temper, which had naturally enough
been disturbed by the success that had attended the Prussian arms,
and had been at the same time so injurious to her husband's
interests. The Prussian General remonstrated, at first mildly; the
invective still flowed, when the General said he would not have
believed that a Prussian officer could have been called upon to
endure such abuse from the lips of a high-born lady. Still the
Grand Duchess continuing to ignore the object of the General's
visit, and continuing also to pour forth the bitterness of her
spirit upon him, the soldier withdrew, not returning railing for
railing, but simply declaring that the language used towards him
was absolutely intolerable.
Do not, however much you may be pleased with any remark, cry out
"Bravo!" clap your hands, or permit any gesture, silent or
otherwise, to mark your appreciation of it. A quiet expression of
pleasure, or the smiling lip will show quite as plainly your sense
of the wit, or fitness of the remark.
Do not whistle, loll about, scratch your head, or fidget with any
portion of your dress while speaking. 'Tis excessively awkward,
and indicative of low-breeding.
If, however, you find others have been guilty of this breach of
etiquette, and you are so placed as to overhear what is intended
to be a secret communication, you may with perfect propriety
change your seat, or if this is not practicable, inform the
persons so conversing, that their voices are audible to you.
Unless you are actually afflicted with deafness, never ask to have
a sentence repeated. It implies a wandering attention. If your
hearing is defective, say so, and your companion will raise his
voice.
Speak clearly and distinctly, never mumbling your words, and while
avoiding a shouting tone, speak loudly enough to ensure your
remarks being heard. A very low tone of voice will be heard if the
words are clearly articulated and spoken slowly enough for perfect
distinctness, and is much more agreeable than hurried, garbled
speech loudly uttered.
Repartee is not a weapon for every-day use. There are few who can
wield this polished blade skillfully, and when clumsy hands grasp
it, it will wound both speaker and hearer.
Do not constantly repeat the name of a person with whom you are
conversing.
Do not be too ready to correct any statement you may deem untrue.
You may be yourself mistaken.
INVITATIONS.
"Mr. and Mrs. G--- request the favor of Mr. and Mrs. L---'s
company at dinner, on Tuesday, the 8th of January, at 5 o'clock."
Or,
"Mr. and Mrs. L--- have much pleasure in accepting Mr. and Mrs. G-
--'s kind invitation to dinner on the 8th of January."
"Mr. and Mrs. L--- regret that a prior engagement (or other reason
stated) will prevent their accepting Mr. and Mrs. G---'s kind
invitation to dinner on the 8th of January."
Or,
"Miss G--- regrets a recent death in her family will prevent her
accepting Mrs. L---'s kind invitation for March 7th."
"Mrs. S--- compliments to Mr. and Mrs. T---, and requests the
pleasure of their company on March 9th, at 8 o'clock."
Such an invitation calls for full evening dress. The answer is the
same as for a ball invitation.
"Mrs. R-- requests the pleasure of Mr. and Mrs. P---'s company, on
Thursday evening, Feb. 10th, at 8 o'clock, to meet the members of
the Harmonia Musical Society."
Or,
The body of the invitation must be in the middle of the sheet, and
date a little above to the right, the address a little below to
the left.
On the corner of the card the name of the officer to whom the
answers are to be sent, should be written.
An officer of higher rank, or a public official of high position,
will signify on his card what aide-de-camp or clerk is to receive
the answers to his invitations, and will issue them in the joint
name of himself and wife, thus:
"General and Mrs. E--- request the pleasure of Mr. and Mrs. D---'s
company, on Thursday, the 6th of November, at 8 o'clock.
"Direct answers to Capt. E. C---."
"Mr. G would be much pleased to have Mrs. and Miss Hunt's company
at the opera, on Wednesday evening, when La Trovatore will be
performed by the Italian troupe at the Academy of Music."
"Mrs. and Miss Hunt accept with pleasure Mr. G---'s polite
invitation to listen to a favorite opera on Wednesday evening."
Or if declined:
"Mrs. Hunt regrets that a prior engagement will prevent her own
and Miss Hunt's acceptance of Mr. G---'s polite invitation for
Wednesday evening."
DINNER COMPANY.
"I have always been punctual to the hour of dinner, for I know
that those whom I kept waiting would employ those unpleasant
moments to sum up all my faults."
Before all the guests have arrived the lady should have made her
arrangements as to what gentleman and lady are to go in to dinner
together, and before dinner is announced the gentlemen of the
party should be informed what lady they are to escort to the
table.
The gentleman of the house offers his arm to the lady most honored
amongst the guests, the gentleman most distinguished offers his
arm to the lady of the house.
The host sits at the bottom of the table, the hostess at the top.
At the right of the host is placed the lady he escorted from the
drawing-room, and at the right of the hostess her escort. The next
place of honor is at the left of the hostess.
If the party is small, mere _en famille_, the hostess will have a
dish before her, the contents of which will have to be carved. The
gentleman on her right hand should in that case offer to carve for
her, but if she declines, should not press the offer. Many ladies
are excellent carvers, and like to appear so.
Never should a host or hostess apologize for the fare set before
their guest. Such apologies are generally a mere fishing for
compliment, untrue and in entirely bad taste. In inviting his
friends to dinner, the host binds himself to set before them the
best his house and purse can afford, and if the fare is good the
guest will soon find it out, if bad, no apologies will make it any
better.
A guest must never find fault with any dish placed before him, and
to appear to question the quality or freshness of the viands by
smelling or fastidiously tasting them, is a positive insult to the
gentleman who has invited him to his table.
After the ladies have all been served, the guests to the right of
the hostess must be attended to, then the guest on her left, and
so on until all are served. Ten persons are all that one cook can
properly prepare a dinner for, and three waiters will be amply
employed in waiting upon that number. If more are invited the
attempt to make the conversation general had better not be made,
but the guests allowed to converse _tete-a-tete_.
Do not eat as if you had good fare for the first time in your
life--that is to say, do not eat ravenously, and do not eat in a
noticeable way.
Never suck your teeth, or pass your tongue round the outside of
your gums.
Never, even with cheese, put your knife into your mouth.
Never pick your teeth, or put your finger into your mouth.
If you find you have a fish-bone in your mouth, cover your lips
with a napkin to remove it. It is better to be very careful to
remove all bones before putting fish into your mouth. On no
account spit the bones out upon your plate.
Wipe your finger tips, if soiled, upon the table napkin, never
upon your tongue or the table-cloth. An elegant eater will never
have occasion to think of his fingers.
Never use the table-cloth to wipe your mouth, you might as well
use it in place of your pocket handkerchief.
Neither drink nor speak when you have anything in your mouth.
When you are helped, begin to eat, without regard to those who
have already, or have not yet, been helped.
Never watch the dishes as they are uncovered, nor make any
exclamation when you see their contents.
Too many jokes or anecdotes are in bad taste, but the subjects for
conversation should not be too serious.
Never eat all that is on your plate, and above all never be guilty
of the _gaucherie_ of scraping your plate, or passing your bread
over it as if to clean it.
Never fill your mouth so full that you cannot converse; at the
same time avoid the appearance of merely playing with your food.
Eat in small mouthfuls, and rather slowly than rapidly.
None but a low-bred clown will ever carry fruit or _bon bons_ away
from the table.
Never spit from your mouth the skins of grapes, the stones or pips
of fruits. Receive them upon the prongs of your fork, laid
horizontally, and place them as conveniently as so inelegant a
process will allow upon the edge of your plate.
Never stretch your feet out under the table, so as to touch those
of your opposite neighbor. It is quite as bad to put them up under
you upon the chair-bar, or curl them up under the chair itself.
Never touch fruit with your fingers. If you wish to peel an apple,
a pear or a peach, hold the fruit on a fork in your left hand, and
peel with a silver knife in your right. Eat it in small slices cut
from the whole fruit, but never bite it, or anything else at
table. Need I say no fruit should ever be sucked at the table.
When the hostess thinks her lady friends have taken as much
dessert as they wish, she catches the eye of the principal among
them; an interchange of ocular telegraphing takes place, the
hostess rises, and with her all the company rise; the gentlemen
make a passage for the ladies to pass; the one who is nearest to
the door opens it, and holds it open until all the ladies have
passed out of the room.
As soon as the ladies have retired the gentlemen may resume their
seats for more wine and conversation, but it is a very poor
compliment to the lady guests to linger long in the dining-room.
If you dine in the French fashion, the gentlemen rise with the
ladies, each offering his arm to the lady he escorted to dinner,
and all proceed to the drawing-room together.
From two to three hours after dinner is the proper time to leave
the house.
If the dinner is for the gentlemen guests alone, and the lady of
house presides, her duties are over when she rises after dessert.
The gentlemen do not expect to find her in the drawing-room again.
In this case cigars may be served with the coffee, and then the
servants may retire, unless especially summoned to wait. If
smoking is indulged in, have placed upon the table a number of
small match boxes, ashes receivers, and between the chairs
spittoons. And here let me add a few words upon smoking taken from
an English authority, but which, with a few exceptions will apply
equally well to lovers of the weed upon this side of the water. He
says:
"But what shall I say of the fragrant weed which Raleigh taught
our gallants to puff in capacious bowls; which a royal pedant
denounced in a famous 'Counterblast,' which his flattering,
laureate, Ben Jonson, ridiculed to please his master; which our
wives and sisters protest gives rise to the dirtiest and most
unsociable habit a man can indulge in; of which some fair flowers
declare that they love the smell, and others that they will never
marry an indulger (which, by the way, they generally end in
doing); which has won a fame over more space and among better men
than Noah's grape has ever done; which doctors still dispute
about, and boys get sick over; but which is the solace of the
weary laborer; the support of the ill-fed; the refresher of
overwrought brains; the soother of angry fancies; the boast of the
exquisite; the excuse of the idle; the companion of the
philosopher; and the tenth muse of the poet. I will go neither
into the the medical nor the moral questions about the dreamy
calming cloud. I will content myself so far with saying what may
be said for everything that can bless and curse mankind, that in
moderation it is at least harmless; but what is moderate and what
is not, must be determined in each individual case, according to
the habits and constitution of the subjects. If it cures asthma,
it may destroy digestion; if it soothes the nerves, it may, in
excess, produce a chronic irritability.
"There are rules to limit this indulgence. One must never smoke,
nor even ask to smoke, in the company of the fair. If they know
that in a few minutes you will be running off to your cigar, the
fair will do well--say it is in a garden, or so--to allow you to
bring it out and smoke it there.
"One must never smoke in a public place, where ladies are or might
be; for instance, a flower-show or promenade.
"One must never smoke in a close carriage; one may ask and obtain
leave to smoke, when returning from a pic-nic or expedition, in an
open carriage.
"You must also after smoking rinse the mouth well out, and if
possible brush the teeth.
"When you are going to smoke a cigar, you should offer one at the
same time to anybody present.
"You should always smoke a cigar given to you whether good or bad,
and never make any remark upon its quality."
At a gentleman's party it is the host alone who may call upon any
of the company for a toast, a speech or a song. No matter how much
others may desire it, they may never invite each other.
BALLS.
The hour at which one may go to a ball varies from ten o'clock in
the evening until daybreak. Any one who attends several balls in
one evening will, of course, find it impossible to appear at an
early hour at each one.
The lady of the house--who should, if possible, know the name of
everybody who enters the room--must stand near the door, so as to
receive her guests, to each of whom she must find something to
say, no matter how trifling. The host must also be near, to
welcome arrivals, and the sons to introduce people. The young
ladies must see that the dances are kept up, and should not dance
themselves till they have found partners for all their friends.
They may with perfect propriety ask any gentleman present to be
introduced to a partner, and he is bound to accept the invitation;
but the lady must be careful whom she asks. Many present may be
entire strangers to her. Miss A. has brought her betrothed; Miss
B. introduces her cousin, Captain ---, on a short leave of absence
from his regiment in Texas; Miss C. presents her brother, just
returned from California; Miss D. begs leave to introduce a cousin
on a short visit to the city; Miss E., a belle, has informed a
dozen or two of her admirers where they may bow to her on the
evening of the ball. All these strangers bow to the hostess, and
must be provided with partners. The "Man in the Club Window" says:
A gentleman must offer his arm, never his hand, to lead a lady to
and from the dance.
A young lady should not dance more than twice with the same
gentleman, unless she wants to be noticed, or is indifferent
whether she be so or not.
No lady should detain her partner long in the supper-room; she may
be thus forcing him to be guilty of the rudeness of breaking an
engagement with another lady for the following dance.
Never swing your arms about, and try to avoid being conspicuous in
any way.
Take the partner with whom you may happen to be dancing when
supper is announced to the supper-table, unless she has come with
a gentleman, in which case you must not usurp his privilege. If
she is disengaged, escort her to a seat in the supper-room, if
possible, and see that she is served with the dishes she selects.
Do not take your own supper at the same time; wait till the lady
has finished; then take her back to the ball-room, and repeat the
process, if necessary, with some other lonely damsel. When all the
ladies have been once to the supper-room, the gentlemen may think
of their own supper.
Gloves of white kid must be worn during the entire evening, and it
is well to have a fresh pair in readiness to put on after supper.
For all small evening parties, the host and hostess remain near
the door during the early part of the evening, to receive their
guests. Late comers, however, must not expect to find them still
nailed to this one spot, as, after the majority of the guests are
assembled, their duty is to circulate round the room and entertain
them. They should, however, be quick to observe any late arrivals,
and advance to welcome them as soon as possible. As the guests
enter the room, the hostess should advance a step or two towards
them, speaking a few words of cordial welcome, to the elder ladies
first, then to the younger ones, and finally to the gentlemen. If
the new comers are strangers to the rest of the guests, she must
introduce them at once to those present; if, however, there are
mutual friends present, it is their duty to leave the hostess
after a few minutes, that she may be free to receive her other
friends.
The hostess must remain constantly amongst her guests. For her to
fidget in and out constantly, as if cooking the supper, or
training the waiters, is a mark of low breeding. The most
perfectly well-bred hostess is the one who seems to have no
thought beyond the circle of her guests.
Never offer to turn the leaves for any one playing unless you can
read music rapidly; otherwise you may confuse the performer by
turning too soon or too late.
When the lady of the house invites any lady guest to sing or play,
the gentleman standing nearest to her should offer his arm to
escort her to the piano or harp. He should stand near her during
the performance of the music, and, if competent, turn the leaves
of her music. She may also request him to hold her gloves, bouquet
and fan. When she rises, he should conduct her to a seat, and
thank her for the pleasure she has given him and others.
Matinees are usually held in the open air, in some good ground, in
which a brass band should be playing, and plenty of good flowers
displayed, embellished by the best dressed people it is possible
to assemble together. There are not any introductions; people
amuse themselves as best they can. Luncheon may be spread in-
doors, or upon tables under the trees, or if tents are erected,
inside of these. Fruits, ices, salads, cold meats, confectionery-
in short, any cold collation, with wine, tea, and coffee, should
be served. Full morning dress is most appropriate.
Ceremony is laid aside upon these occasions, and people act with
greater freedom than at more formal gatherings.
In country parties, ceremony is often required, even upon
occasions where more freedom of action would be desirable.
Inattention to this matter may give offence, as the hostess may
fancy herself slighted merely because she is not city-bred.
One word of warning to all who give parties. You can never tell
what ruin may be commencing when you urge wines or intoxicating
beverages upon your young guests. You may be the first to
stimulate the appetite; you may renew a passion that has been
subdued; you may turn a wavering will from the hardly gained
resolution to abstain. There are instances, not a few, but many,
where the love of liquor, conquered and subdued, has been revived
in fiercest heat by cordials, brandied peaches, wine-sauces, and
similar apparently innocent refreshments. It is better to appear
mean than to tempt to ruin, and in these days of temperance
movements, no lady will be censured or misunderstood who banishes
every drop of intoxicating liquor from her table.
VISITING.
The truest courtesy is for the host to make his visitor feel as
much at home as possible, and for the visitor to disturb the
host's household as little as possible.
Neither hostess nor guest may accept any invitations which do not
include the other.
If any sudden trouble comes into a house where you are visiting,
try to be of service. Let your friend feel that you have not
visited her for gayety alone, but are glad to sympathize in her
trouble. If sickness or death come, share the nursing, try to
relieve the hostess of some of her family cares, if it is only
taking the children into your own room or out for a walk; be ready
to do the shopping required for mourning, and take away every
painful detail you can. There is no comfort so great as a really
useful sympathizing friend in times of trouble; yet if relatives
come and require rooms, if you find you are a restraint and can be
of no use, it is the truest kindness to shorten your visit, and
leave the mourners free to comfort each other.
When visiting, never depend upon your host for writing or sewing
materials; but it is a delicate attention for you, if hostess, to
have your guest's room amply supplied with both.
When a guest is ready to leave you, be sure that the trunks are
strapped and ticketed, a carriage ready in good season, a luncheon
prepared for refreshment upon the journey, a substantial meal
ready in good season for comfortable enjoyment of it, and the
departure made as pleasant as possible.
STREET ETIQUETTE.
George IV., when Prince of Wales, once cut Beau Brummell, with
whom he had quarrelled. The pair met in St. James-street, each
walking with a companion; the companions stopped to speak, but the
Prince did not see Brummell. The latter, to be revenged, and
knowing the horror the Prince had of being considered corpulent,
said to his companion, in a stage whisper, before the others were
out of ear-shot, "Who is your fat friend?"
Let a lady walking with a gentleman have always the upper side of
the pavement, even if he changes sides at every turning.
If you meet two gentlemen in the street, and wish to speak to one
of them, apologize to the other, and make the detention as brief
as possible.
Ask for what you want as explicitly as possible, and do not take
the time of the attendants by examining fifty things that you do
not want.
If you do not intend to purchase goods, but wish to examine them
for future selections, say so.
Never try to cheapen goods. If the price is too high for the
quality offered, or will not suit your purse, look elsewhere for
what will better suit you.
Never ask for patterns without apologizing for the trouble, and
not then unless you really intend to return for the goods, as when
you are shopping for a friend, or wish for the judgment or taste
of another person.
Never keep a clerk waiting while you chat with a friend. If you
desire to speak with your acquaintances, stand aside, that the
clerk may understand he is released for the time, and free to wait
upon other customers.
Never call away a clerk who is waiting upon some one else. Wait,
if you have business with an especial clerk, until you see that he
is disengaged.
If you meet a friend with whom you wish to shake hands, never put
out your own until you are quite near, as nothing looks more
awkward than hands extended to grasp each other two or three yards
apart.
After the lady is in the saddle, her escort should stand beside
her until she has arranged her skirt, got a firm foothold in the
stirrup, and has her reins and whip in order. He may then mount
his own horse, and take his position on the lady's right.
No gentlemen will force a lady to ride faster than, she may find
agreeable, by an endeavor to display his own horsemanship.
The seat facing the horses is always left by gentleman for ladies.
If a lady and gentleman alone enter a carriage together, the
gentleman must take the seat opposite to the lady, unless she
invites him to sit beside her.
For a gentleman, when driving with a lady, to put his arm across
the back of the seat, around her, is a piece of impertinence which
any well-bred lady will very justly resent.
"'I watched the young ladies get out of their carriage,' said the
Empress. 'Your eldest daughter stepped on her dress, and only
saved herself from falling by an awkward scramble; the youngest
jumped from the coach to the ground, without touching the steps;
the second, just lifting her dress in front, so as she descended
to show the point of her shoe, calmly stepped from the carriage to
the ground, neither hurriedly nor stiffly, but with grace and
dignity. She is fit to be an empress. Her eldest sister is too
awkward; her youngest, too wild.'"
TRAVELLING.
No lady should ever allow her escort to enter with her any saloon
devoted exclusively to the use of ladies. Because he may be her
own husband, son, father, or brother does not excuse her, as he
cannot stand in such relation to others present.
As regards the right to have the window up or down, the person who
sits facing the the engine has the command. Ladies, being present,
should, of course, be consulted, no matter on which side they may
be sitting, and their wish must be considered a final settlement
of the question.
ETIQUETTE IN CHURCH.
Never bow to any friend while in the church itself. Greetings may
be exchanged in the vestibule after service.
Never pay any attention to those around you, even if they are
noisy or rude.
If you have room in your own pew, and sea a stranger enter, open
the door and motion him to enter. It is not necessary to speak.
You may find the place and point it out to a stranger, who is
unfamiliar with the service; but do so silently.
A lady should never remove her gloves in church, unless to use the
holy water, or the right-hand glove at communion.
Never keep any one waiting if you are invited or have invited them
to go to church.
In attending a funeral not in your own family, never leave the pew
until the mourners have passed into the aisle; but rise and stand
while they pass, falling into your proper place as the procession
passes you.
A gentleman alone may join lady friends for a few moments between
the acts at a theatre, or in the intermission at a concert, but
only for a few moments, as their escort has a prior claim upon
their attention.
SERVANTS.
Never apologize for the trouble you give them; but if you should,
through illness or other cause, occasion more work than a visitor
ordinarily brings to a household, let the gift, which, in any
case, you would make to the servants on leaving the house, be
somewhat heavier than would otherwise have been necessary.
"Servants' sympathies are with their equals. They feel for a poor
servant run off his legs, and moped to death; they have no feeling
for a painstaking mistress, economical both from principle and
scanty means; they would (most of them) see her property wasted,
and her confidence abused without compunction. It is the last
effort of virtue in a servant if, without any _private reason_, he
should discharge his duty by informing you of the injury which you
are enduring at the hands of his fellow-servant. It is an effort
of virtue; for it will bring down many a bitter taunt and hard
word upon his faithful head.
Supposing, then, you have the _rara avis_, the servant that
'speaks at the time,' be chary of him--or let me say _her_ (the
best servants are women). Oh! as you value her, let her not
suppose you cannot part with her. Treat her with confidence, but
with strict impartiality; reprove where necessary, mildly, but
decidedly, lest she should presume (power is so tempting), and
compel you, if you would retain your freedom, to let her go.
"Much evil results from the tendency, more especially of the very
young or of very old mistresses of families, to partiality.
Commonly, one servant becomes the almost avowed favorite; and it
is difficult to say whether that display of partiality is the more
pernicious to the servant who is the object of it, or to the
rankling and jealous minds of the rest of the household. It is
true that it is quite impossible to avoid entertaining a greater
degree of confidence in some servants than in others; but it
should be shown with a due regard to the feelings of all. It is,
of course, allowable towards those who take a decidedly
responsible and confidential situation in a household. Still,
never let such persons assume the reins of government; let them
act the part of helmsmen to the vessel, but not aspire to the
control of the captain.
Never allow a servant to keep people waiting upon the door step.
Never allow servants to turn their own proper duties over to the
children or other servants by a bribe. Many fond parents would be
amazed if they knew how much running and actual work was performed
by little Nellie or Charlie, and how many fits of mysterious
indigestion were caused by the rich cake, candy, or half-ripe
fruit that paid for the service and bribed the silence.
There are two occasions in a man's lifetime when may he make his
account with liberality to servants, whether he will or whether he
will not. These two are the occasions of his marriage and his
funeral.
HOTEL ETIQUETTE.
No lady will stare round the room, fidget with her napkin, plate,
knife, or fork, play with the salt, or exhibit any awkward
embarrassment, while waiting for a meal to be served. It is
allowable to look over a newspaper in the interval at breakfast;
but the habit, quite common, of carrying a novel to the table is
not lady-like.
A lady must never point to any dish she wishes passed to her. If
she cannot call it by name, a well-trained waiter will know her
wishes if she looks at the dish.
A lady alone at a hotel should wear the most modest and least
conspicuous dress appropriate to the hour of the day. Full dress
must not be worn unless she has an escort present.
WEDDING ETIQUETTE.
The place of etiquette, the social law which regulates the conduct
of engaged people towards others, and of other people towards
them, is immediately after the announcement of the engagement;
then there is scope for the display of good manners and good
breeding, and there are certain rules which must be observed.
Though it is often true that the gentleman who aspires to love one
member of a family must make his account in loving all the rest in
some degree, there is no necessity for such a display of
amiability on the part of the lady.
The two cards, one large and one small, are folded in this, which
is printed upon handsome note-paper. Upon the large card is
engraved:
Or,
The bridal calls are not expected to be returned until the last
day of reception.
The bridal party should meet in the vestry-room. Then the bride,
leaning on the arm of her father, heads the procession; the
bridegroom, with the bride's mother upon his arm, follows; then
groomsmen and bridesmaids in couples follow.
At the altar, the bridegroom receives the bride, and the ceremony
begins. The groomsmen stand behind the bridegroom, the bridesmaids
behind the bride. The bride and bridegroom remove the right hand-
glove in some churches; in others it is not deemed necessary. The
bride stands on the left of the groom.
After the ceremony, the parents of the bride speak to her first;
then the parents of the bridegroom before other friends. After the
ceremony, the bride and groom go in the same carriage from the
church to the house, or from the house to the railway depot.
If parties are given to the bride and groom, the groomsmen and
bridesmaids must be also invited, and, if they prefer, all may
wear the dress worn at the wedding. This is, however, optional.
The bridal dress and the costume of the bridesmaids are not
matters that come so much within the province of etiquette as of
the fashions, which vary as the winds. All that etiquette requires
is that good taste shall guide the whole of the arrangements. Pure
white is the only color worn by the young bride, and the full veil
of lace, with wreath of orange flowers, is _de rigueur_; but for a
widow, pearl-color or tinted silk, without any veil or wreath, is
better. If the bride is a maiden no longer young, it is not in
good taste to wear the dress of a youthful bride. White gloves,
vests, and ties are demanded for the bridegroom and groomsmen. The
bridesmaids may wear colors, but a prettier effect is produced by
dresses of pure white, with trimmings only of color. The
travelling dress of a bride should be very modest in color and
fashion, as it is in extremely bad taste to draw attention to the
_bride_ when travelling.
In entering the church, the nurse, carrying the child, goes first;
then follow the sponsors, who do not walk arm-in-arm; then the
father, and after him the invited guests.
The babe should be held lying in the arms of the nurse, its head
upon the right arm. The cap should be tied so as to be easily
unfastened and removed.
When the priest asks who are the sponsors of the child, it is
sufficient for them to incline the head, without speaking.
WHEN the saddest of all the ceremonies of this life calls forth
the sympathy of friends and relatives, there are many little
points the observance of which evinces a delicate consideration
for the mourners, and a respect for the melancholy occasion.
Whilst the body of the dead remains in the house, no visitor must
expect to see the members of the bereaved family, and no offence
may be taken if admission is refused to the nearest friends.
The ladies of the family are never expected to see the guests at a
funeral; but it is optional with the gentlemen. Strict etiquette
at the present day denies the ladies of the family the privilege
of following the corpse from the house; but it is a custom "more
honored in the breach than in the observance."
The gentleman who does the honors should precede the family as
they pass from their room to the carriages, assist them in, close
the door, and motion the driver to move slowly forward, and to the
next carriage to drive up to the door.
The same order is observed at the church door, where the master of
ceremonies assists the mourners to leave and re-enter the
carriages.
The carriage must be sent for the priest or clergyman in time for
him to be punctually at the house at the appointed hour.
TABLE ETIQUETTE.
Never open the napkin entirely, but let it lie on the lap, partly
folded.
Sit neither very near nor very far from the table.
If a plate is sent to you filled with the food you have selected,
keep it, as others may not have the same choice; if the plate
contain one dish, such as pie or pudding, you may pass it on to
those beside you, and wait till others above you are served before
reserving a plate for yourself.
A gentleman will always see that ladies are served before eating
himself,
Avoid making any noise on your plate with your knife and fork.
Never cross the knife and fork on a plate until you have finished
eating. Never hold your knife and fork erect in your hands at each
side of your plate, when conversing at the table.
If you want to cough, sneeze, or blow your nose, leave the table.
If you have not time, turn away your head, and lean back in your
chair.
Never hurry away from the table as soon as you finish eating, if
others remain to converse. If you are obliged to leave before a
meal is finished or immediately after, ask to be excused for so
doing, and apologize for the necessity.
None but a clown would use the table-cloth for a napkin, pick his
teeth with his fork, put his fingers in his plate, or wipe his
face with his napkin.
"'And I, on the contrary, would stake my life that you did nothing
as others did. But let us begin at the beginning, and see which is
right. In the first place, there was your table napkin--what did
you do with that when you sat down to table?'
"'What did I do with my table napkin? Why, I did like the rest of
the guests: I shook it out of the folds, spread it before me, and
fastened one corner to my button-hole.'
"'Very well, _mon cher_, you were the only person who did so. No
one shakes, spreads, and fastens a table napkin in that manner.
You should have only laid it across your knees. What soup had
you?'
"'Turtle.'
"'Like every one else, I suppose. I took my spoon in one hand and
my fork in the other.'
"'Your fork? Good heavens! None but a savage eats soup with a
fork. But go on. What did you take next?'
"'Wretched man! Fowl indeed! You should have asked for chicken or
capon. The word "fowl" is never heard out of the kitchen. But all
this applies only to what you ate; tell me something of what you
drank, and how you asked for it.'
"'I asked for Champagne and Bordeaux from those who had the
bottles before them.'
"'Know, then, my good friend, that only a waiter, who has no time
or breath to spare, asks for Champagne or Bordeaux. A gentleman
asks for Vin de Champagne and Vin de Bordeaux. But now inform me
how you ate your bread.'
"'Then let me tell you that no one cuts bread; you should always
break it. Let us go on to the coffee. How did you drink yours?'
Never crowd children into pic-nic parties, if they have not been
invited. They generally grow weary and very troublesome before the
day is over.
Never take a child to spend the day with a friend unless it has
been included in the invitation.
Never send a child to sit upon a sofa with grown people, unless
they express a desire to have it do so.
Never crowd a child into a carriage seat between two grown people.
"If, then, we desire that our children shall become ladies and
gentlemen, can we make them so, think you, by lavishing money upon
foreign professors, dancing-masters, foreign travel, tailors, and
dressmakers? Ah, no! good breeding is far less costly, and begins
far earlier than those things. Let our little ones be nurtured in
an atmosphere of gentleness and kindness from the nursery upwards;
let them grow up in a home where a rude gesture or an ill-tempered
word are alike unknown; where between father and mother, master
and servant, mistress and maid, friend and friend, parent and
child, brother and sister, prevails the law of truth, of kindness,
of consideration for others, and forgetfulness of self. Can they
carry into the world, whither we send them later, aught of
coarseness, of untruthfulness, of slatternliness, of vulgarity, if
their home has been orderly, if their parents have been refined,
their servants well mannered, their friends and playmates kindly
and carefully trained as themselves? Do we want our boys to
succeed in the world; our girls to be admired and loved; their
tastes to be elegant; their language choice; their manners simple,
charming, refined, and graceful; their friendship elevating? then
we must ourselves be what we would have our children to be,
remembering the golden maxim, that good manners, like charity,
must begin at home.
If playing for stakes, the gentleman pays for his lady partner in
the event of loss; but does not receive her winnings.
Try to avoid argument upon nice points in playing. Even if you are
right, it is more courteous to yield to your adversary than to
keep others waiting whilst you prove your position.
In your own house, never offer guests any but _new_ cards to play
with.
The games most common are whist, loo, euchre, vingt-un, and
speculation.
Whist requires four players. A pack of cards being spread upon the
table, with their faces downward, the four players draw for
partners. Those who draw the two highest, and those who draw the
two lowest, become partners. The lowest of all claims the deal.
In declaring that married people may not play at the same table,
society by no means understands anything so disgraceful as
dishonest collusion; but persons who play regularly together
cannot fail to know so much of each other's mode of acting under
given circumstances that the chances no longer remain perfectly
even in favor of their adversaries.
VISITING CARDS.
Glazed cards are not now in vogue, but they may be again, and
ladies' cards are cut much smaller than those used by gentlemen.
Persons who have a city and country residence must have two sets
of cards, with the residence at the time of calling engraved on
the left-hand corner, thus:
when Mrs. Potts is out of town. Visiting cards must never bear a
business address.
Or,
JAMES BURNS,
U.S.A.,
Young unmarried ladies may use separate cards, or may have their
names added to their mother's, thus:
If you reside in another city, you may send your card by post,
with the word "felicitation" under the name. A mournful event
calls for a letter.
A card left for two or more members of the same family must have a
corner turned down.
LETTER WRITING.
"We are all very sorry to hear that you cannot come to visit us
this summer, as we expected, and wish your business was not so
engrossing."
Never omit your own name and address from a letter, whether of
business or friendship.
In writing to persons with whom you are but slightly acquainted,
use as few words as possible. You are not authorized in taking up
much of their time. It is only in correspondence with very
intimate friends that long letters are permissible. If occasion
necessitates a letter to a very busy person, politeness requires
that it should be framed as curtly as is consistent with civility
and perspicuity. It is unpardonable to waste really valuable time,
because we do not choose to be at the trouble of concentrating our
thoughts and sparing our words.
In dealing with those who may have treated you unfairly, be civil
in your letters. Be as haughty as you please, and state your
grievance in plain, unvarnished terms, and there end. If the truth
does not sting, nothing you can add to it will do so; and
vituperation, though it does not injure the person upon whom you
bestow it, injures your own cause, and detracts seriously from the
proper dignity of your own position.
I am, sir,
Your obedient servant,
JAMES M. ---
Mr. P. C. LITTLETON,
Philadelphia.
Or,
The name of the place from which the letter is written, the date,
the full name of writer and receiver, should be given in some part
of a letter. The practice of heading a note "Monday," without a
date, and signing it "Charlie," is very embarrassing; it makes it
difficult to answer a note unless immediately, when the day of the
week can be readily identified with the day of the month, and when
the receiver knows who his correspondent really is. Besides this,
in the event of the letter miscarrying, it cannot be returned if
there be no surname attached to the signature. A most important
lawsuit in London was lost by a letter, of great value and
significance otherwise, being dropped from the evidence for want
of identification, being directed, "Dearest Tootings," and signed,
"Your loving Poppets." It may seem absurd that a letter of weight
could contain such silliness; but it was a fact.
Mrs. T. C. BATES,
Care of JAMES GORDON, Esq.,
No. 347 --- Street,
New York.
"Mrs. Wright presents her compliments to Mrs. Left, and will feel
greatly obliged by any information respecting the character and
qualifications of Jane Broom, who has applied for a situation as
housemaid in Mrs. Wright's household.
The answer should also be written in the third person, and should
contain as much information as possible relative to the points
inquired about, stating whether the servant is honest, sober, and
truthful, and what is her experience of her disposition and
habits.
Or this:
There are six parts to every letter: the date, the complimentary
address, the body of the letter, the complimentary closing, the
signature, the address or superscription; thus:
DEAR Sir:
(Body of the letter) Your most welcome letter, announcing your
intention of visiting our city, reached me this morning. I hasten
to answer to beg that you will make my house your home during your
stay, and inform me by what train I may expect you, that I may
meet you at the depot. Leaving all else for the first
conversation,
(_Address or Superscription_)
JAMES MUNROE, ESQ.,
Bangor, Maine.
The hair requires a good deal of care, though of the simplest and
most inartificial kind. The secret of fine and glossy hair is a
clean hair-brush; and ladies who keep no maid to perform those
offices for them should wash their hair-brushes in hot water and
soda every day. Every other day is the minimum of washing that a
hair-brush should have.
Above all things, never attempt to change the color of the hair by
means of fashionable dyes and fluids. Color so obtained cannot
harmonize naturally with the skin, eyes, and eyebrows that Nature
has given. Practices of this kind are simply and strictly
immodest. They evince a senseless desire for fashion, and an
equally senseless eagerness to attract. Auricomus hair-dyes, like
painted lips and cheeks, and pencilled eyebrows, and complexions
purchased, are disgraceful to the wearers. With regard to the art
of obtaining a good complexion, let ladies be careful in regard to
diet, take regular exercise in the open air, wear broad-brimmed
hats in the sun, and veils in the wind; let them avoid pearl
powders and washes of every kind; let them, above all things, go
early to bed, and rise betimes in the morning; and if by so doing
they are not made "beautiful forever," they can never be made so.
The face should never be washed when heated from exercise. Wipe
the perspiration from the skin, and wait until it is sufficiently
cool before you bathe, even with warm water. Rain-water is best
for the bath. In case of any eruption upon the skin, no time
should be lost in procuring medical advice. He who doctors
himself, says the proverb, has a fool for his physician.
A woman of taste and good sense will neither make dress her first
nor her last object in life. She will remember that no wife should
betray that total indifference for her husband's taste which is
implied in the neglect of her appearance; and she will also
remember that to dress consistently and tastefully is one of the
duties which she owes to society.
Elderly ladies should always dress richly. Any thin old lady may
wear delicate colors, whilst a stout, florid person looks best in
dark or gray. For young as well as old, the question of color
must, however, be determined by complexion and figure. Rich colors
harmonize with rich brunette complexions and dark hair; delicate
colors are the most suitable for delicate and fragile styles of
beauty.
For ball dresses, light and diaphanous materials are worn; silk
dresses are not suitable for dancing. Black and scarlet, black and
violet, or white, are worn in mourning; but ladies in deep
mourning should not go to balls at all. They must not dance, and
their dark dresses look out of place in a gay assembly.
Much jewelry is out of place for young ladies at any time; and,
indeed, there is as much propriety to be observed in the wearing
of jewelry as in the wearing of dresses. Diamonds, pearls, rubies,
and all transparent precious stones belong to evening dress, and
should never be worn before dinner. In the morning, one's rings
should be of the simplest kind, and one's jewelry limited to a
good brooch, gold chain, and watch. Diamonds and pearls are as
much out of place during the morning as a low dress or a wreath.
IT has been aptly said that "the bath deserves an Order." The
first requisite of a gentleman's toilet is undoubtedly the bath,
which should be as bracing as the constitution will allow, and
used morning and evening in summer, and every day in winter.
Country gentlemen, who live much in the open air, and take plenty
of exercise, have no excuse for shirking the cold shower-bath; but
denizens of cities, and men who are obliged to lead very sedentary
lives, cannot indulge with equal safety in this luxury, and must
never continue it in the teeth of reason and experience. Only
physiques of finest quality can endure, much more benefit by, a
cold-water shock all the year round; and though physique is always
improvable, great reformation must not be attempted rashly. Let
the bath of from sixty to seventy degrees be freely indulged in by
the strong, and even by the less robust, in summer time; but in
winter a temperature varying from eighty-five to ninety-five
degrees is the safest. The flesh-brush should be vigorously
applied to all parts of the body, after which the skin must be
carefully dried with Turkish or huck-a-back towels. It is well to
remain without clothing for some little time after bathing.
Nothing is so healthy as exposure of the body to air and sun; a
French physician has recommended the sun-bath as a desirable
hygienic practice. A bath in fresh water should always be taken
after a sea-dip.
Our advice to those who shave is, like _Punch_'s advice to those
about to marry "Don't." But it must by no means be understood that
suffering the beard to grow is a process that obviates all
trouble. The beard should be carefully and frequently washed, well
trimmed, and well combed, and the hair and whiskers kept
scrupulously clean by the help of clean, stiff hair-brushes, and
soap and warm water. The style of the beard should be adapted to
the form of the face; but any affectation in the cut of the beard
and whiskers is very objectionable, and augurs unmitigated vanity
in the wearer. Long hair is never indulged in except by painters
and fiddlers. The moustache should be worn neat, and not
overlarge.
The author of _Pelham_ has aptly said that "a gentleman's coat
should not fit too well." There is great truth and subtlety in
this observation. To be fitted too well is to look like a tailor's
dummy.
In the evening, though you spend it alone with your family, wear a
black dress suit; and if you have sons, bring them up to do the
same.
Elaborate studs and sleeve-links are all foppish and vulgar. A set
of good studs, a gold watch and guard, and one handsome ring, are
as many ornaments as a gentleman can wear with propriety. For a
ring, the man of fine taste would prefer a precious antique
intaglio to the handsomest diamond or ruby that could be bought.
The most elegant gentleman with whom the author was ever
acquainted--a man familiar with all the courts of Europe--never
wore any other shirt-studs in full dress than three valuable black
pearls, each about the size of a pea, and by no means beautiful to
look upon.
Lastly, a man's jewelry should always have some use, and not, like
a lady's, be worn for ornament only.
///166
MISCELLANEOUS;
OR,
ONE HUNDRED UNCLASSIFIED LAWS OF ETIQUETTE.
1. A GENTLEMAN must always hand a lady a chair, open the door for
her to pass in or out, remove anything that may be in her way, and
pick up anything she may drop, even if she is an entire stranger
to him.
10. To swing the foot, or tap monotonously with the feet, to drum
with the fingers on a table or window, are all breaches of
etiquette.
18. "Fine feathers make fine birds," the old proverb tells us; but
no amount of fine dressing will ever _make_ a lady. True
politeness, gentle courtesy and refinement may be as marked in a
lady wearing a calico dress and a sun-bonnet as in one in full
gala dress. Mrs. Thorpe, the celebrated English authoress, tells
of an interview with Mrs. Washington, than whom no more perfect
lady, in the true acceptance of the term, ever lived. She says:
"As Mrs. Washington was said to be so grand a lady, we thought we
must put on our best bibs and bands; so we dressed ourselves in
our most elegant ruffles and silks, and were introduced to her
ladyship; and don't you think we found her knitting, and with her
check apron on! She received us _very graciously and easily_; but
after the compliments were over, she resumed her knitting. There
we were without a stitch of work, and sitting in state; but
General Washinton's lady, with her own hands, was knitting
stockings for her husband."
33. If you are calling, and another person enters, never offer the
chair assigned you by the lady of the house; it is her privilege
to decide where to place her guests, and an impertinence on your
part to usurp her place.
35. The only gifts that may be offered or accepted between ladies
and gentlemen who are not related or engaged are books, flowers,
music, or confectionary. A lady who accepts costly presents of
jewelry puts herself under an obligation that she may find
troublesome, and no true gentleman will expose a lady to the pain
of refusing an improper gift of this kind.
53. The man who will insult his inferiors is a boor at heart,
however polished he may appear amongst his equals, or however
deferential to his superiors.
63. The man who would suffer himself to speak a word against a
woman, or to rail at women generally, deserves a rebuke recently
given to a coxcomb at an English dinner-party, who was checked in
his loud abuse of the sex by one of the company, who said: "I hope
it is the gentleman's own mother and sisters who are referred to,
and not ours."
64. If you try to make yourself appear more important than you
really are, you run the risk of being considered less so.
65. Marston says: "I, me, and mine, should be bowed out of genteel
circles. Egotism adorns no one."
71. "In private, watch your thoughts; in your family, watch your
temper; in society, watch your tongue."
95. Ladies should avoid the use of strong perfumes. They are
unpleasant to nauseating to some persons; and it is a breach of
etiquette to annoy other people.
99. Gentlemen should never stand upon the hearthrug with their
backs to the fire, either in a friend's house or their own.
END
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