Honesty in a Culture of Church Taboos

Breaking our silence on the things we don't talk about.

Two pink lines. When my fianc and I saw them, we imagined all of our plans and
dreams fading away. First came anger and then, swiftly, relentlessly: shame.
I was pregnant.
To others, our situation looked ideal. We were young, relatively healthy, and my
husband had a steady job with full benefits. And we had wanted children.
Just not yet.
Who could we talk to?
We recoiled from Church, feeling isolated by our lack of joy. We didnt want to wound
couples that were unable to conceive by voicing our disappointment over this baby, so
we kept our mouths shut and our sorrows to ourselves.
The shame of not wanting our child turned into a soul-eating disease. Instead of
diminishing over time, it grew along with the child I was carrying. The longer we were
silent, the more isolated we became and the less able we were to sort out how we were
feeling.
ALL AROUND US, THIS SOUL-EATING DISEASE
OF SHAME IS RAVAGING CHRISTIANS,
SOMETIMES FOR YEARS AFTER THE EVENT.
Ive since realized that our situation is far from unique. All around us, this soul-eating
disease of shame is ravaging Christians, sometimes for years after the event. Shame
comes from a myriad of sources, both willful sin and things that arent sinful. Sexual
attraction. Mental illness. Bitterness. Addictions. Masturbation. Debt. Miscarriage.
Eating disorders. Promiscuity. Doubt. Abuse.
The list is endless, but in each case, the self-induced isolation and self-hatred are the
same.
Elizabeth Chapin wrote about the difference between shame and guilt by explaining that
guilt is focused on behavior (e.g. I did something bad) and shame is focused on the
individual (e.g. I am bad). She goes on to say: shame almost certainly leads to hiding
wrong behavior for fear of rejection and abandonment because of the idea that doing
something wrong means there is something fundamentally wrong with the core of who I
am.
In my case, I felt that not wanting my baby was deeply indicative of my irredeemable
wickedness. I had no grace for myself, so I expected no grace from others.
Often we assume that if we feel shame, it is a result of sin, and sometimes, of course,
that is true. But often shame results, not from sin, but from the heavy stigma imposed by
Christian culture. Issues like mental illness and sexual abuse are taboo topics at many
churches, and it feels impossible to broach the subject.
Unlike AA meetings, where each person says their name and their struggle in the same
breath, church meetings tend to be less graphic and also less accepting. Lets be
honest: there are some things you just dont talk about in church.
Yet hiding behind our friendly smiles and polite pleasantries are real life issues; the
ones that dont fit neatly into everyday conversations. Churches preach the benefits of
living in community, yet we somehow forget that living in true community is guaranteed
to be messy and complicated. While we talk of authenticity, Church often remains a
place where you cant be honest.
Church should be a place muddled with honesty and real-life messiness. And it should
be a place where a shame-filled person can find relief. It should be a place where
shame loses its power.
The truth is that there is no place for shame in the Church, not because were trying to
keep up appearances, but because our shame has been taken to the Cross and can be
left there. Here are a few ways to begin moving past the shame and talking honestly
about taboo subjects:
Break the Silence
Shame and silence go hand-in-hand, so one of the first steps to overcoming shame is to
break the silence and let someone in.
It was only after I told a few friends our story that I realized I wasnt alone with those
feelings. Others have had surprise babies that changed the trajectory of their lives and
they understood everything I was feeling. My isolated struggle was really not so unique
after all.
Differentiate Between Shame and Guilt
While shame and guilt can stem from the same incident and often feel the same, they
are subtly different. When you get into a heated argument with a coworker, guilt tells
you that the way you treated her was unkind. Shame, however, tells you that that you
are a horrible person. Because of the way shame worms into our core, it has long-
lasting, damaging effects.
Dont Let Shame Win
Living in shame is antithetical to the message of Christianity. To let shame rule our lives
is to say that Christ isnt enough and that He cant redeem us.
TO LET SHAME RULE OUR LIVES IS TO SAY THAT
CHRIST ISNT ENOUGH AND THAT HE CANT
REDEEM US.
The well-known phrase Preach the Gospel to yourself is Jerry Bridges twist on Psalm
42:5 which says, Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within
me? Hope in God ... my salvation and my God.
If shame emerges in your life, it is helpful to go back to the basics of Christianity and
remember that shame has no long-lasting place in the life of a Christian.
Practice Forgiveness and Grace.
Toward yourself. Toward others. Over and over again. Grace is an endless cycle.
My own story ends happily. We have a son we adore, now a ridiculously active toddler.
That, of course, brings a certain sense of happiness and healing. But even after our son
was born, the shame still lingered.
But then I found shames kryptonite: honesty and acceptance. Shame is bred in silence
so as I told my story to others and saw that they still accepted me, the shame
diminished. Slowly, the shame was replaced with grace.
As Christians, we must be grace-givers. Part of that grace is making room for people to
tell their stories, which often starts with telling our own. By creating a safe place for
honesty within the Church, we allow God to work in the hidden, messy areas of life.
By speaking out, we acknowledge that those hidden, messy areas actually exist.
Church can be a place of honesty, but it starts with you. So will you tell your story? And,
equally important, will you accept the stories of others?

Read more at http://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/church/honesty-culture-church-
taboos#VRhl8hBF41y4G3cp.99