Shades of Love

Sunny Lockwood
Copyright 2010 by Merikay McLeod
Smashwords Edition
A rights reserved
!o part of this pubication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form " eectronic#
mechanica# or by any other means# incuding photocopying " without written permission from
of the author$pubisher# e%cept in the case of brief &uotations embodied in critica artices or
reviews'
Editing by (aren )atcheor
kbatcheor*sbcgoba'net
Cover art by +aerie ,avidson
e)ook formatting by L'M' -on.ae.
/hese stories are works of fiction with the e%ception of the fifth story Worst First# which is non0
fiction' 1therwise# any resembance to actua events# or persons# iving or dead# is entirey
coincidenta'
Contents
Copyright
/he )u.. about Shades of Love
2review Stories
Story 1 - Longing for Love
Story 2 - Something Special
Story 3 - Hilda's Secret
Story 4 - The oor
Story ! - The Worst First
Story " - Love's #cho
About the Author
3eaders -uide
/he )u.. about Shades of Love
/hese are refreshing# powerfu taes' /hey portray peope grapping with compe% issues and
triumphing by drawing from their inner strengths' /hese stories satisfy' /hey resonate ong after
the reading is over'
Monika Rose# editor of Man.anita 4riters 2ress# poet and author
http5$$monikarosewriter'com
/hese stories are deightfu6 7 oved the ending of Longing for Love6 And Worst First had me
aughing " tak about worst first dates6
8Shades of Love9 is fu of stories that tug at the heartstrings' A thoroughy en:oyabe read6
Cindy Adkins# writer ; bogger
http5$$artbookstea'bogspot'com
7 ove true stories and Worst First beats a the worst first0date stories 7<ve ever heard' 7 don<t
know whether to augh or cry'
Helen Bonner# author of 8=irst Love Last#9 a memoir
http5$$www'hbonnerbooks'com
7 coudn>t stop reading Hilda$s Secret' 7 oved it'
The oor competey captures the void that so often deveops between parents and chidren'
/he painfu# agoni.ing apartment scene gripped me and reminded me of my efforts to reate to
my son ' ' ' A compeing story'
Joel Blackwell# author of 82ersona 2oitica 2ower9 books
http5$$www':oebackwe'com
8Shades of Love9 stories are nuanced by the e%pectations and faiures# betrayas and forgiveness
of ordinary peope'
7 reay iked Something Special# a mother0daughter symbiosis on the cusp of change' /he
subte e%poration of this famiia dynamic is painfuy rea# and its resoution a shifting mi% of
emotions'
Christine Walker# writing teacher and author of 8A 2ainter<s -arden5 Cutivating the
Creative Life9
http5$$www'christinewaker'net
8Shades of Love9 is a treasure trove of ove stories fu of muti0faceted :ewes' Sunny
Lockwood takes the reader on an up0cose :ourney of what ove can be from the perspective of
many memorabe characters# incuding a daughter# a husband and a singe woman' /his is a
captivating coection of stories'
Sarah Lunsford# :ournaist ; bogger
http5$$sarahunsfordwriter'wordpress'com
2review Stories
/o read any of the si% stories# cick on its tite'
Story 1 0 Longing for Love5 %t$s Fe&r'ary( )alentine$s month( Time for *'pid and
chocolate( +'t ,ill -'lia .rmstrong ever find a love of her o,n/
Story 2 0 Something Specia5 . &ridal sho,er confrontation &et,een shy +renda and her
domineering mother0 .dele0 reveals ho, complicated love can &e(
Story ? 0 @ida>s Secret5 .fter 31 years of marriage0 &oth f'll and empty0 Hilda ma2es a
decision that ,ill change everything(
Story A 0 /he ,oor5 -'lie Stevens decides to visit her father &'t ,hen she reaches his
apartment door0 she$s not s're if she sho'ld 2noc2 or 3'st ,al2 in(
Story B 0 /he 4orst =irst5 4isera&le first dates are not the e5cl'sive province of the yo'ng(
4y ,orst first too2 place ,hen % ,as ,ell into competent0 confident middle age( .nd it too2
place in the most &ea'tif'l0 romantic city in .merica(
Story C 0 Love>s Echo 5 6ete +ishop$s 2ids are college-&o'nd( His ,ife 3'st landed her first
3o&( %s his precio's family shattering or can his love hold them all together even as they
p'rs'e divergent paths/
Story 1 - Longing for Love
Judge Dudy<s courtroom is fied with coupes who used to be in ove but now can<t stand each
other' 7 watch them amost every evening whie 7 eat supper' As 7 gra.e on my saad and sip my
wine# the same &uestions reverberate5 4hat did she see in himE 4hat did he see in herE Coudn<t
they te that the other one was a oser or a user or worseE
Most of the cases are simiar' 1ne oaned the other money to buy a motorcyce or car or
boat' /hen the borrower eft with the goods and the one who oaned the money wants it back'
/he borrower aways says the money was a gift so he For sheG doesn<t have to give it back'
)ut Dudge Dudy sorts it a out and dispenses :ustice' 7 ike her because she<s strong and confident
and right'
)ut the peope who come before her are another story atogether' 4hen 7 first started
watching the show# 7 thought they were actors' 7 coudn<t beieve rea peope behaved so
despicaby'
)ut the show<s announcer says the peope are rea and the cases are rea# so what do 7 knowE
7f they reay are rea# why aren<t these peope ashamed of taking money from someone who
once oved themE 4hy woudn<t they :ust return the funds as a matter of honorE )ut the peope
on Dudge Dudy<s show don<t seem to have any honor or decency or dignity' /hey<re smarmy'
Het# for a their unsavoriness they# at east for a whie# were in ove'
=or a few weeks or months or years they shared a ife ' ' ' shared an apartment and a bed'
Sometimes they even share a chid' And certainy they shared the dream of continuing ove' 7 can
imagine them panning vacations# reading artices aoud to each other from the newspaper<s
trave section and taking together about visiting a nationa park or finding the right mote as they
head to the ocean or the mountains' 7 can imagine them buying ottery tickets and dreaming of
what they<d do if they hit the :ackpot'
7 ook at them and wonder how it is that they coud attract a mate and 7 cannot'
@ere 7 sit# a coege educated woman with a good income# a trim body and acceptabe face#
and no one who cares' /he thought# athough thoroughy famiiar# brings a sight rise in tears' 7
wipe them away' 7t<s not that 7 wish to weep about my empty ifeI it<s that 7<m aways surprised
at :ust how oney it fees to be me' 7 never e%pected to fee this way as an adut' Especiay a
successfu adut who is respected in my fied'
4hen 7 ook in the mirror 7 see a fairy attractive woman' 7<m no gamour puss# but my
naturay bonde hair is thick and ustrous' 7 wear it bunt cut# shouder ength' /hat way it can
sway freey when 7 wak whie sti covering my ears' 1n the attraction meter 7<m every bit the
e&ua of any Dudge Dudy character'
And yet ' ' '
7 used to bame my soitariness on my ears' 4hen my mother was pregnant with me# she had
the meases and that eft me partiay deaf' 7<m not totay deaf and my speaking abiity is so
cose to norma that 7<m sure most peope don<t notice' )ut 7 was a chid with arge hearing aids'
And even in high schoo# my hearing aids seemed ike the si.e of eephant ears to me# even
though 7 wore my hair down to cover them' 7 was certain that a anyone noticed about me was
what was sticking out of my ears'
@igh schoo was a barren wasteand sociay' 7 didn<t even get asked to the prom my :unior
year' =or the senior prom# my mother phoned her friend Lydia Moore and together they bribed
Lydia<s son# Dack# to take me' @e was home from )asic /raining# about to be shipped out to the
Midde East' 4hen he picked me up# he was wearing his Marine uniform and 7 fet ike a
princess in my roya bue gown'
Het# even now# after a these years# when 7 think of that night# 7 shudder' Dack had been
attentive and funny' @e seemed so mature and wise'
@is imitation of our pompous schoo principe had me in stitches from the moment we
stepped into the gymnasium# with its baoons and crepe paper streamers' And coud he dance6
@e hed me with such confidence that we :ust saied6 7t was wonderfu6 Jnti we bumped into
another enthusiastic coupe and one of my hearing aids fe' 7n ess than a heartbeat# it was
tramped underfoot'
And everything " music# voices " became a muffed mess' /he coupes around us stopped'
A the guys got down on their hands and knees and picked up every siver of pastic# every tiny
shattered piece' 7 thought 7<d die' 7 stood there ike ,umbo# as they dropped the bits and pieces
into my open hand'
Dack wanted to keep dancing# but 7 coudn<t' And everyone was :ust standing there staring at
me' At us' 7 ooked at the crumped pastic in my hand unti the tears started to fa'
Dack sipped his arm around me and waked us out to the car and drove me home' 7 don<t
remember if he went to the door with me' 7 don<t remember anything ese about that night'
7n coege 7 actuay had a boyfriend' /om and 7 met in 7ntro to Soc and spent most of our
freshman year hanging out together' At first it was :ust a friendship thing and 7 coudn<t beieve
my good uck'
@e was cever and witty and smart' 4e both oved foreign fims and Dapanese food' @e was
going to be an engineer' As we studied over teriyaki# our evenings together engthened' And as
we watched 87 2ostino9 and 8)abette<s =east9 at the oca K1 cinema# we eaned together and#
we# before we knew it we were hoding hands'
@e seemed as shy as 7# but he was aso eager' /o /om# everything was possibe and
everything was e%citing and 7 found mysef swept up in his enthusiasm' 7 totay forgot about my
ears# unti the night he sid his hands around my face# puing me to him and kissing me one ong#
sweet time'
Even now# 7 can remember the tinging that fied me'
As 7 eaned back# my hair fe away' @is fingers genty stroked my face# and payfuy
dooded around my ears'
4hen he fet my hearing aid# he pued back and ooked'
84hat<s in your earE9 he whispered'
8@earing aids#9 7 whispered' /rying to keep things ight and humorous# 7 added# 8/hey<re
not contagious'9 )ut my throat was a fearfu knot'
And the spe was broken' @is payfuness changed to something more serious' @e kissed
my ips tendery# kissed my cheek and straightened back up' @e ceared his throat# avoided my
eyes# and began taking about cass assignments' 7n a few days we drifted apart'
And that<s been it'
7 am not compaining' At east 7<m not meaning to compain because my ife is fu and rich'
7 have friends' Actuay# 7 have ots of friends " at work# at church# at the professiona service
cubs 7 beong to' =riends seem to come easiy enough'
7<m a member of Saint Dohn>s Episcopa Church and find much meaning in teaching the itte
kids< Sunday Schoo cass'
And 7<ve traveed' 7<ve been to +enice# 7tay# twice' 7t<s the most beautifu city in the word'
San =rancisco runs it a cose second'
My work is rewarding' 7 ove the creativity of designing brochures and annua reports# the
fun of working with cients and the peasure of being we0paid and we0respected for my abor'
)ut is ove For at east a itte romanceG so much to ask forE
7 sigh# turn off the /+ and carry my dishes to the kitchen'
So what can 7 bame for the ack of romance in my ife todayE 7 bame it on being too busy
with work and friends and other obigations' My sister woud say it>s because 7<m not
adventurous enough' 7<m too cosed off'
7<m disgusted at mysef for going over and over this theme' )ut it<s =ebruary# the
+aentine<s month and the demand for romance is in the air# whether 7<m at the grocery store or
the gas station'
4hat is my probemE
/hat<s a stupid &uestion# my probem<s obvious' !o matter how busy 7 am# no matter how
successfu 7 become# the probem never goes away' /he probem is 7<m hearing impaired and 7
wear hearing aids'
=ace it# if that was not the probem# 7<d pu my hair back once in a whie# sip it behind my
ears and et the word be damned'
7 rinse my pate and winegass and set them in the dishwasher'
4hy is it that meta studs sticking through nostris# ips and tongues aren<t a turn0off but
we designed hearing aids nested in my ears areE @ow come the parade of Dudge Dudy peope#
with nothing positive to offer# can find ove Fat east for a whieG and 7 cannotE
Maybe 7 shoud get a cat' At east then there<d be two warm bodies in my condo'
/he phone rings' 7t<s my sister# )eth' She cas every /uesday at this time' She ives in
7ndianapois# the city we grew up in# the city where our parents sti reside' She ives there with
her husband and eight0year0od son'
8So how<s the weather in 7ndyE9 7 ask when 7 pick up'
8)ad as aways' )ut 7< bet you<re perfect in Caifornia#9 she says'
8Hou<re right'9
4e tak about mom and dad' 4e tak about )eth<s husband and her son# who has :ust started
carinet essons'
/hen )eth says# 8Mom<s friend# Lydia died' @er funera was yesterday' 7t was ike od home
week' Everyone was there' ,o you remember her son# DackE @e asked about you' 7 gave him
your emai address' 1r was it your phone numberE 7 can<t remember' @ope you don<t mind'9
84hy shoud 7 mindE9
8)ecause you<re aways so private and secretive'9
87 amE9
She aughs' 81ny a your ife'9
81h# come on'9
8Anyway# don<t be surprised if you hear from him'9
After hanging up# 7 sit in front of my computer for at east 1B minutes# :ust wondering if 7
shoud check emai' 4hen 7 finay take a ook# there<s nothing unusua in my inbo%'
Even my spam bo% hods ony the e%pected " offers of bigger breasts or arger penises'
=airy apropos for +aentine<s month# 7 guess'
/he younger peope at work are aways chattering about 7nternet dating' /hey think it<s a
great way to find romance' 7 type in +aentineSpecia'com and start reading ads from men
seeking women'
A the men in my age group say they ike cande0it dinners and ong waks on the beach'
/hey a earn good saaries and want women who are 10 years younger than they are# women
who are ta and wiowy and bu%om'
After twenty minutes of first saivating then feeing overwhemingy inade&uate# 7 turn off
the computer for the night'
A 4ednesday# whenever 7 have a moment to think about something other than work# 7
wonder if 7< see an unknown emai in my bo% ' ' ' but no matter how many times 7 check#
there<s nothing'
After Dudge Dudy and supper# 7 go back to +aentineSpecia and check some more' 4oud 7
reay want to meet someone who advertised himsef onineE
Some men do not post pictures' 7 wonder if that<s because they<re grossy overweight or
ugy' )ut a coupe of these picture0ess ads attract me' 1f course 7 reai.e that a guy can say
anything in a persona ad# whether it<s true or not' Sti# these are ads that don<t sound
standardi.ed'
Stephen is a math teacher ooking for someone who en:oys cassica music# nature# and the
Dudge Dudy show'
Scott works at an architectura firm Fwhich can mean anything from being a :anitor there to
being the CE1' 7<m aways suspicious of peope who te you where they work rather than what
they doG and is ooking for someone who en:oys trave# books and photography'
,an<s investments did we so he now spends his days coaching kids soccer teams or paying
gof' ,ivorced with two teenagers# he<s ooking for someone who en:oys books# cooking
together and visiting museums'
And there are others' )ut responding to an onine ad seems ike such a oser thing to do'
Sti# you know very we who interests me' 4hat does Stephen ook ikeE @is age matches
mine and he doesn<t say anything about wanting to be some teenager<s sugar daddy' 7 wonder'
7 start to type him a message and then stop' 4hat if he<s bad and ugyE 4hat if he has a
ong and dirty beard# ike an od eftover hippieE 7 :ust can<t do this'
)ut 7 go to bed thinking about Stephen' And 7 wake up thinking about Stephen' And after 7
get home from work# even before 7 turn on the /+# 7 send him a message' 7t<s brief and to the
point' 7<m his age' !ever married' !o chidren' Coege graduate' -raphic designer' Dudge Dudy
fan' And 7<d ike to do something fun with someone fun for +aentine<s ,ay' And 7 type in my
emai address'
7 hit 8send9 immediatey and then sit there stunned# shocked at mysef' !ever in my entire
?? years have 7 done something so brash' Something so ' ' ' desperate'
7 take a deep breath# head to the kitchen to make my saad# and te mysef there<s no chance
Stephen wi respond'
)ut as 7 watch Dudge Dudy# 7 imagine he<s watching too' 4e<re watching together and that
awareness warms me' After the show# 7 check my emai' !othing'
A coupe hours ater 7 check again' !othing'
7 knew it' 4ho<d answer a message ike mineE
7 ie in bed awaiting seep' 4hat woud 7 do if Stephen did answerE 4oud 7 actuay go out
with someone 7 met on ineE And if 7 did# if we met and if Fmirace of miracesG we en:oyed each
other<s company# when woud 7 te him about my hearingE
@ow many dates do you have before confessing some serious fawE 7s it fair to take up
someone<s time and et them spend money on you without admitting your probemE
Hou don<t want to pour out a your probems and short0comings on the first date# obviousy'
)ut how ong do you wait before admitting your iabiities and risking the end of an en:oyabe
reationshipE
7 fa aseep worrying over something 7< never have to worry about'
/he ringing teephone :erks me awake' 7 fumbe for a hearing aid# get it in and have the
receiver to my ear by the third ring'
87s this Duia ArmstrongE9 a man<s voice says
8Hes'9
8/his is# um# Dack Moore' Lydia Moore<s son' 1h# 7<m sorry# it sounds ike 7 woke you up'9
7 turn on the ight# suddeny feeing wide awake' 8!o# Dack' that<s fine' My sister tod me
about the passing of your mother' 7<m so sorry'9
8/hank you' 7t was pretty sudden' A heart attack# you know'9
7 sit up' /he sience between us is uncomfortabe# so 7 ask# 8@ow did you get my phone
numberE9
8Hour sister' She gave it to me at the funera' 7<ve aways had such fond memories of you
and since 7 was here# back home again# 7 :ust thought 7<d ike to say Lheo'<9
7 gance at the cock' 7t<s nearing midnight' A strange time to be phoning :ust to say Lheo#<
but who knows what peope do when their mother dies'
8Hour sister says you<re very successfu# the director of your own graphic design company'9
8My sister makes it sound much more important than it is' )ut 7 do ike the work'9
8Hou were aways so artistic#9 he says' 7 wonder what he means by that' 8/hat L4hy 7 Love
America< poster contest that you won impressed the he out of me'9
8Hou saw that posterE9 7<d forgotten a about the midde0schoo art contest ' My poster had
been chosen out of a thousand entries and represented the state of 7ndiana in an e%hibition that
traveed to 4ashington# ,'C'
8Everyone saw it# -ir' 7t represented not ony our schoo# not ony 7ndianapois# but our
entire state' And you were :ust in si%th or seventh grade' 3ightE9
8Seventh'9
8Heah' 7 was in tenth grade and 7 remember that poster'9
More sience' My heart is beating way too fast for someone who was deepy aseep :ust
moments ago'
8Hou know#9 he sighs# pauses# and then says# 8A these years since the prom# 7<ve meant to
apoogi.e' 7t probaby sounds stupid but 7 :ust want you to know that 7<m sorry 7 was such a
kut.' 7 shoud have apoogi.ed that night# but 7 fet so stupid 7 coudn<t think of anything to say'9
84hatE9 My brain swirs with confusion' 84hat do you meanE9
84e# 7 was having such a ba with you and wasn<t paying attention and banged into that
other coupe#9 he says' 8/hat whoe thing was my faut' And then' And then 7 was so
embarrassed that 7 didn<t know what to do' 7 :ust stood there ike a ,oofus whie everyone ese
heped you'9
7 hear mysef augh' 8Hou were the tota genteman that night' 7 was the one who fet ike a
,oofus'9
8Hou handed yoursef ike a true ady' Hou were so gracious to everyone' 4hy# the very
fact that your mom taked you into going with me shows what a mature and sweet ' ' ' 9
8Hou thought my mom made me go to the prom with youE9
8Somethin< ike that#9 he says' 87 was ony in town for a coupe days and 7 think our mom<s
got together and decided you<d hep me fee ike one of the crowd again'9
87 thought they paid you to go with me'9
8!ah6 !ever#9 he says' 8/hat was such a great night' Jnti# weMyou knowM7 ruined
everything'9
8Dack# you didn<t ruin anything#9 7 yawn and it embarrasses me' 8So# what time is it in
7ndianapoisE9
8Midde of the night' 7 shoud not be caing you in the midde of the night# but 7 :ust had
to'9 @e pauses' 8My sisters wi cean out mom<s house and distribute everything' So my time
here<s done' 7 fy back to Miami tomorrow' )een married to Doy for fifteen years now' Hou
might know her' She was in my cass'9
8,on<t think so'9 7 see# the ca reay is to apoogi.e for something he doesn<t need to
apoogi.e for' 7 sip back down under the covers and wait for the conversation to end'
81ur odest# 3andy# is 1A' Sam<s 12' And Sissy is si%' /hey<re rea good kids' And Doy<s a
good mother'9
87<m sure'9
8Sorry 7 caed so ate'9
8,on<t worry about it' 7t<s been a good ca' 7t<s been nice to hear from you again'9
84e# 7 :ust wanted you to know'9
8/hanks'9
7 ay# ong after we hung up# :ust staring into the dark' So Dack<s happiy married with three
kids' And he<s fet guity about the prom for a these years' Ama.ing6 7<m a mi% of emotions "
hope# surprise and disappointment' 4e# hoping to reconnect with the one boy who asked me
out in high schoo was pretty stupid to begin with' Such fooishness shoud be caed +aentine
poisoning'
4hen the aarm goes off# 7 stumbe to my computer and check emai'
/here<s actuay a message from Stephen5 8Like you# 7 have no chidren' )ut 7 do have a
former wife# a cat named )oots and a coection of foreign fim videos' My favorite is an od
Engish fick caed L(ing of @earts'< ,o you have a favorite movieE A favorite bookE A favorite
dessertE A favorite coorE9
7 ike that he asks &uestions about me' /hat<s a first' And they aren<t &uestions about my
weight' 7 &uicky write that 7 ove foreign fims' 8)abette<s =east9 being my favorite'
8Composing a Life9 by Catherine )ateson is my favorite book' Strawberry shortcake is my
favorite dessert' )ue is my favorite coor' And 7 ask him who he teaches math to " high schoo
or coege students' 7 ask if he has a favorite nationa park# a favorite highway# a favorite beach
and a favorite coor'
At noon 7 read his repies5 @igh schoo students' Heowstone' 3oute CC' -oat 3ock State
)each in Sonoma County' @e says his favorite coor is aso bue' 7 wonder about that ast answer'
A bit too coincidenta' )ut ' ' ' 7 admit this is fun6
7n the evening our emais fy back and forth faster than you coud tak on the phone' And
right before 7 go to bed# he asks5 8@ow about coffee at Starbucks for breakfastM'or a gass of
wine after workE9 and he eaves his phone number'
7 do not repy'
7 ie in bed unabe to seep' Am 7 paying the foo with these short# fuffy messages# thinking
ove can arrive through a aptop computer screenE 7 mean# reayE
)ut in the morning# 7 write him5 8/oo busy today' @ow about a gass of wine tomorrow
right after workE9
)y noon he<s sent a 8yes9 repy# the address of a sma bakery that serves both gourmet
coffee and wine# and a photo'
/he man in the picture has a beautifu smie# a fu head of siver0gray curs and a short
cropped siver beard' @e ooks something ike -eorge Cooney ' ' ' far too handsome for me'
4hat have 7 gotten mysef intoE
7 ca my sister' )eth<s deighted' 8@e<s not asking you to meet in some dark aey#9 she
says' 8A bakery cafN is perfect' 7f you don<t ike him# you can :ust drink the wine# thank him for
the evening# and be gone' !o risk there'9
8)ut ' ' ' 9
8!o buts aowed' Hou<ve done something brave' Hou<re reaching out and Stephen is
reaching back' Dust go with it#9 she says'
So here 7 am# sitting outside the cafN# trying to cam mysef# watching as coupes and
individuas wak by' And then 7 see him' @e<s much better ooking than his picture'
@e stares right at me with a peasant itte smie# never taking his eyes off me as he strides
right to my wrought0iron tabe and says# 8Are you DuiaE9
87 am#9 7 say'
@e smies' 87<m Stephen'9
And 7<m smitten' 7mmediatey'
87 thought so#9 7 say# hoping he doesn<t hear the base0drum in my chest pounding out its
desperate S1S to the +aentine<s ,ay universe'
8@ave you orderedE9 @e asks'
8!ot yet'9
84e et<s go in and see what they<ve pued from the oven#9 he takes my ebow and heps
me up' 8And if this isn<t the pace we want# 7 know a itte bar down the road where they show
Dudge Dudy each evening'9 @is eyes twinke'
7 chucke and say# 8Dust don<t ask to borrow money to buy a truck'9
@e grins' 8!ever a oan' Aways a gift'9
@e ooks as peased with our secret code tak as 7 fee' Actuay# 7 fee that this moment# this
very moment# is a ovey gift and 7 am happy to receive it'
Moving back so 7 can wak in front of him# he says# 8After you'9
As 7 step forward# the afternoon ight catches something circing his ear' Something very
famiiar' A hearing aid'
Suddeny my heart<s a furnace and it fees ike fireworks are going off inside my head' 7
gance again to make sure 7 saw what 7 saw'
/hen 7 reach up# sip my hair behind my ears and wak with him into the cafN'
/o return to the Story 2reviews# cick on the itte heart above'
Story 2 - Something Special
Brenda saw her mother smiing and aughing in the kitchen with the other mothers# and for a
short# &uick moment she hated her' /hen she rose from her iving room chair# eft her friends in
their paste dresses and high hees# eating cake and drinking pink punch in pastic wine gasses#
and wandered in# to hear the story her mother was entertaining everyone with'
8And there they were " )renda and /imothy " with no chaperone# at one of the best dinner
spots in the city# when the vice president of academic affairs waked in'9 Adee @ampton<s head
bobbed in a 8yes9 motion# her smie encouraging response' She<d tod the story to each of
)renda<s aunts and had in the teing perfected her timing and intonation so that she coud keep
everyone in suspense# istening eagery for her ne%t word'
/onight# at the wedding shower arranged by )renda<s high schoo friends# Adee was
reishing her new audience'
84e# he recogni.ed /im and came right over to the tabe'9
A current of nervous titters fowed among the mothers' Adee<s enthusiasm grew with each
teing of the story# and )renda<s diminished'
8And you know# off0campus dating is e%pressy forbidden#9 Adee raised one eyebrow
sighty' 8Hou can be e%peed5 no &uestions asked# no e%cuses accepted' )ut /imothy<s sharp as
a whip' /he vice president approached and /im stood up and said# L7 don<t think you<ve ever met
my wife#< and introduced )renda'9
Laughter fied the kitchen' Mothers hoding cups of pink punch# eaning back against the
counter or standing in the doorway# nodded with deight' 4hat an e%&uisite# romantic fasehood'
/hat night had been e%citing' /he dark# &uiet restaurant# the candes< muted ight' Suddeny
being introduced as /imothy 3anda<s wife and having to instanty act the part' She recaed the
e%perience ike a proposa and wedding combined' She<d been e%cited and baffed by the
deception and a it symboi.ed'
She<d en:oyed teing her parents the story ater# watching their faces burst from tension to
aughter'
)ut now# the way Adee had confiscated her e%perience# turning it into an occasion for
boasting about the merits of /imothy# grated on her' 8@e<s not ony first in his cass#9 Adee
addressed the whoe room# her perfecty made0up face and short# soft siver curs turning first
toward one then another of the mothers# 8but he<s aso endearingy od fashioned'9
@ere comes the story of his asking father for my hand# )renda thought' A the mothers wi
ove it' /hey< sigh# wishing their husband or son or sons0in0aw were as od fashioned'
She sighed# hersef# but not from romance# and eft the kitchen# waking back to the iving
room where her friends were# where the card tabe hed the presents she<d unwrapped earier'
/he bender# the set of wooden saad bows# the towes and wash coths# the -oy of *oo2ing# and
the -oy of Se5 book Funwrapped to cheers and aughterG'
8/imothy sounds perfect for you#9 Sue Mc=arand said# coming up beside )renda to ook at
the gifts' @er pae bue sundress with butterfies embroidered in avender and white had begun to
wit in the evening heat' 8Hour mother said he<s finished two master<s degreesE9
)renda nodded# smiing# tears rising ever so sighty' /here were timesI une%pected
moments ike this# when she fet so intensey for /imothy that :ust the mention of his name
raised a sheen of tears'
8And he<s ony twenty0fiveE9 Sue continued# her voice sweed with admiration' 84hy can<t
there be boys ike that around hereE9
84e# 7 think )obby<s about as perfect as a boy can be#9 Dudy )anks tried' @er two0
month0od# )obby Dunior# ay seeping on her ap' /he tiny human# on his tummy# cenched
miniature fists beside his face' 8@e might not have two master<s degrees# but he<s handsome and
good and oving'9
8Hou know what 7 mean#9 Sue said# turning toward Dudy' )ut Dudy# face fu of genteness
and :oy# was brushing )obby Dunior<s hair off his forehead with tender fingertips# totay
absorbed in the act'
)renda touched the bender and fet nothing' !othing for the array on the tabe' She wished
she did not have to pack up the gifts and take them home# and write itte thank you notes for
them'
She knew /imothy woud be peased# and Adee' /he two of them woud e%amine every
item# e%caiming over the pricey goodsI making snide remarks about the ess e%pensive items'
She wished ove and marriage had ess to do with merchandise'
)ut /imothy and Adee oved abes' /imothy had oved saying 8May 7 introduce you to my
wife9 for reasons far beyond simpe pranksmanship' 8My wife9 eevated him to adut
respectabiity' She knew why he introduced her to his famiy and friends with such sef0
importance' She knew he<d aways refer to her as 8my wife9 or 8the wife'9 She woud never be
)renda in his conversations'
/imothy oved saying 8my wife9 amost as much as Adee oved saying 8my daughter'9 My
daughter was vaedictorian of her senior cass' My daughter is in the top eight percent at
Michigan State' My daughter<s fiancNe is so cever# so briiant# so handsome'
/imothy ,as handsome' A striking contrast to her own painness' )renda favored her
father<s side of the famiy " arge# soft -erman ooks# instead of the dramatic ines and panes of
her mother<s 7taian heritage' )ut Adee aways protested when )renda compained of being
pain'
And /imothy said he was tired of surface beauty' @e said he needed a woman who was his
inteectua e&ua' @e said he needed a woman who coud understand him and his compe%ities#
someone other than a dumb femae moth# futtering around the gitter of baubes ike new cars
and MasterCard accounts'
Adee was particuary surprised by /imothy<s good ooks' )renda saw that the first time she
took him home for the weekend' @er mother# who had aways treated her boyfriends with foksy
acceptance# suddeny turned firtatious# teasing and gigging with /imothy' She<d noticed Adee#
the ne%t morning# wearing fase eyeashes' Lashes that she had not worn in years' And it seemed
to )renda# that her mother had appied more eyeiner than usua# accentuating her most auring
feature'
8Hou ook tired#9 (im @a approached and handed )renda a gass of punch' 7t was coo and
thicky sweet' Like the pop they used to drink at high schoo dances# so sweet you had to find the
water fountain afterwards to wash away the taste'
8/here must be so much to do' So many showers and parties#9 (im said' )renda nodded'
87 :ust can<t beieve it'9 (im ooked around the room 8Seems ike ony yesterday we were
a making fun of bad# od Mr' 4estenhouser in bioogy cass# and here Dudy<s a mother# and
you<re about to get married'9
8@mmm#9 )renda nodded# foowing (im<s ga.e' A her girfriends ooked ike women
now' She fet a pang of sadness'
/hen Sue said# 83emember how 4estenhouser was aways checking his fyE9 /he others in
the room began aughing' 8@e tried to do it oh so casuay'9
8And he was aways so cumsy about it#9 Dudy gigged' Everyone gigged as their hands
imitated 4estenhouser<s movements# and )renda saw with reief that they were :ust high schoo
kids after a'
/he mothers fooded into the room# taking about weddings and diets and how hot the nights
were# and how boys acted when they were young# and how &uicky chidren grow into aduts
eaving you suddeny and uncomfortaby aware that you aren<t young anymore' A sorts of
conversations swiring simutaneousy'
8/e them about /imothy<s position#9 Adee said buoyanty' @er face gowed# as if the
shower was for her' 8Actuay# /im has three opportunities#9 she said as a preude to )renda<s
story' 8)ut both )renda and 7 think he< take the one in Chicago' 7 hope so# for sefish# mother
reasons'9 /hen gancing at )renda# she nudged# 8-o on te them'9
)renda smied despite the pressure her mother appied from across the room' She did not
want to smie' She did not fee particuary happy or takative# but she began# 8@e<s been offered
a feowship at the Jniversity of +ermont'9
8/hat<s where )renda woud ike to go#9 Adee inserted' 8)ut 7<d hate to have them move
that far away'9
8)ut 7 don<t think he< accept it#9 )renda continued' 7t woud be nice# she thought# to go
somepace where neither of them was known' 4here they coud estabish their own reputations#
without carrying the abe of so0and0so<s chid' She woud ike to go somepace where she coud
be hersef# and day0by0day discover that sef# create it# without Adee on the sideines appauding
or censuring'
87 think instead that he< accept a mid0eve management position with Sears in Chicago' @e
coud sti teach part0time if he wanted to'9
84hat about yo'r education# )rendaE9 Mrs' Mier asked' Mrs' Mier was aways
concerned with what woud happen to the wife' 4oud the wife end up an appendage of the
husband MMrs' @im M with no identity or fufiment apart from himE
81h# there<s no probem' 7 can transfer easiy to the university there'9 She disiked the
thought of Chicago# the incessant wind# the cod# noisy winter streets with trains ratting
overhead where the sky shoud be'
8@ow<s the empoyment picture in Chicago for Engish teachersE9 Mrs' Mier persisted'
87<m sure that )renda won<t have to work as a teacher#9 Adee chimed with a fippant augh'
8She pans to write# don<t you dear'9
)renda shrank' 4hy woud her mother bring up something as private# as persona as her
writingE Something she did in secusion' Something too important to her to share with :ust
anyone'
4riting was her refuge from ' ' ' from everything' 7t was her secret# reveaed ony to the few
she chose' 4riting wasn<t ike a new dress or new pair of shoes to be body paraded in front of
everyone'
8Hou<re writingE9 Mrs' Mier asked' Most of the conversations in the room tricked down
to sience# as eyes turned to )renda' /hey a e%pected to hear about that which was too precious
for her to mention easiy' /hey were eager peope# friends from her past# from her mother<s past'
=riends who# because of the shower and their shared history# e%pected to be fied in on every
detai of her ife' And her mother was using those detais to draw everyone cose to hersef'
7t was easy to see' Adee used the detais of )renda<s ife to eicit envy and admiration'
Adee had nothing going in her own ife# nothing but )renda'
)renda had suspected it before# but she<d pued back from the truth' !ow she saw it ceary#
and she hated what her mother was doing# had been doing a evening'
87 dabbe a itte with words#9 she said# hoping to avoid more &uestions'
8,abbe6 1h# )renda# what you showed me the other day was absoutey beautifu69 Adee<s
eyes reached out with admiration# reached across the room# and touched )renda' /hen her
mother turned to the others' 8She wrote the most e%&uisite poem about a ake at dawn'9 Adee<s
voice gowed' 8@er description was masterfu' She described how the gente shades of ight erase
the gray from the sky' She described how the mist rises ike ribbons from the water#9 she paused#
at a oss for words# then shook her head' 87 :ust never knew she had that taent' She actuay
created a new awareness in me# her mother'9
Adee waked across the room and sipped her arm around )renda' /he woman# who was
smaer and more fragie than her daughter# reached up and tendery kissed her' )renda saw ove
in her mother<s eyes# fet it fow through her mother<s touch# ike an umbiica# connecting and
uniting them'
87 :ust never knew you had such taent#9 Adee repeated# this time ooking at her daughter'
And )renda suddeny fet shy and happy'
8Are you working on a noveE9 Mrs' Mier asked' )renda wished Mrs' Mier woud stop
the &uestions'
8!o#9 )renda said softy# not wanting to end the moment of warmth with her mother'
8!othing that ambitious' 7<m :ust doing a itte poetry# and trying to get the fee of short stories'9
87 hear that 7ed&oo2 pays handsomey for short stories#9 Mrs' Mier said'
8And the 7eader$s igest#9 another mother said' 8/he 7eader$s igest pays more than a
thousand doars for one of those itte fascinating peope stories'9
87 :ust ove the 7eader$s igest#9 someone said'
87 ike 6eople 4aga8ine#9 Dudy said ga.ing up from )obby Dunior' /he mothers and
daughters started taking about their favorite maga.ines and their favorite movie stars'
)renda waked out onto the front porch' /he hot summer night wrapped around her with the
bu.. and hum of insects' She pushed her bangs back off her forehead and wondered what
/imothy was doing' 2robaby paying rac&uetba in some air0conditioned gym somewhere'
/rying to beat someone# or at east show off'
Surey he was not with a group of high schoo boys and their fathers taking about her and
her future# taking about how bright she was and the poetry she cared about so deepy'
She wondered# briefy# what woud happen if she did not marry /imothy' 4oud a these
girs and their mothers be disappointedE She doubted it' Shocked perhaps' She smied# thinking
that they might even ike the idea because it woud give them something oca to gossip about'
/hey<d tak about her broken engagement as they now taked about Ei.abeth /ayor and 3ichard
)urton' /hey<d compare feeings of pity and understanding ooks of sadness# but it woudn<t
reay matter much to them'
@er mother# of course# woud die'
Adee wandered out' 84asn<t it nice for a your od friends to come#9 she said' 8Some of
them came &uite a distance'9
8Hes'9
8And you got such nice things' /imothy wi reay be peased with the rice cooker' 7t<s a
4estinghouse'9
)renda smied# her head shaking sightyI aready she<s checking the abes' 8Hes he wi be'
@e reay ikes rice'9
Adee sipped her arm around )renda# and rested her head on her daughter<s shouder'
)renda thought that when she was a chid she<d eaned against her mother :ust this way' 7n those
days# she tod her mother everything# absoutey everything# and Adee soaked it a up ike a
thirsty sponge' She remembered her mother<s face# bright with enthusiasm# as she tod her a
about band practice or agebra cass or her high schoo crushes' She<d forgotten those moments#
but now she remembered# and she missed them'
8MotherE9
Adee ooked up'
8Mom# don<t te everyone about my writing'9
81h# but @oney# these are our friends' /hey<re interested in you'9
8Sti# pease don<t te' 1kayE9 )renda whispered'
Adee ooked hurt' 87# 7 didn<t know it meant that much to you'9
84e it does' 7 don<t know why'9
/hey istened to the night# their necks and shouders gistening from the heat'
87< te you a secret if you promise to keep it a secret#9 )renda said after the sience had
grown thick with crickets'
84hatE9
81ny if you promise to keep it a secret' 7 haven<t tod anyone# not even /imothy'9
81kay# 7 promise'9
84e#9 )renda paused# then said in a rush# 87 think 7 might have sod three poems' 7 sent
them to The 9e5t *ent'ry 7evie,' 7t<s nothing ike the 7eader$s igest# but it is somewhat
prestigious# and 7 got a etter back saying they were panning to print them in one of their
upcoming issues' /hey<re going to make a itte feature section for my poems and do a profie on
me# too'9
8/hat<s wonderfu69 @er mother was amost breathess' 8)ut how can 7 keep that to
mysefE9
8Hou promised'9
87 can<t te anyoneE9
8!o'9 )renda ooked down at Adee and fet aughter sweing within her' /his was ike
history in reverse' She was the parent making the chid behave' And her mother was such an
eager chid'
8@ow about ,addy' Can<t 7 te himE @e< be so proud'9
)renda aughed' 8!o#9 she said with a s&uee.e' 87t<s a secret unti the poems come out'
1nce they<re pubished you can te' )ut not unti then' Hou promised'9
She fet Adee<s disappointment' /he tiny woman seemed to shrink# and for a ong time they
stood in a poo of sience' /hen Adee took a deep breath and said# 8-reat6 /his wi be our
secret' Something specia :ust between us'9
)renda smied# reai.ing she oved her mother very much'
/o return to the Story 2reviews# cick on the itte heart above'
Story 3 - Hilda's Secret
Hida 2ummer had hoped that returning to Swit.erand# back to 3omanshorn where she was
raised# coming back together to the sight of their young ove woud somehow bring her and
=rank coser'
Athough the distance between them seemed natura after a these years# she had sti hed
hope for this trip' She reay shoud have known better' 2eope are who they are# no matter what
pace they find themseves in' She knew that as we as she knew anything'
/he cean# wet fragrance of Lake Constance# the chiming church bes and soft background
babbe of =rench tourists summoned so many memories' !ot a as peasant as she might have
hoped' She coud sti hear her mother<s# 8Marry an AmericanE 7t wi never work69
7t never had' )ut her mother never knew' @ida did not compain about =rank<s drinking or
his get0rich0fast schemes in Ceveand then -rand 3apids then Chicago' /he aundromat they
started that faied' /he mote they bought then ost'
-us foated seepiy on the gente swes as the afternoon sunight gittered and ginted off
Lake Constance<s surface' /he water fowing in and out through bouders pied aong the rise of
shore made a gente shush0sound# so cam compared to the crunch of @ida<s abored steps aong
the grave path' /his was the very path she used to skip down as a chid# caing back to her
father to 8hurry up9 so they coud swim together' /oday# she wished the sea<s hypnotic puse
coud comfort her' She even tried to match her breathing to its restfu rhythm' She coudn<t'
7n the od days# @ida woud not give her mother the satisfaction of being right' )esides#
she<d hoped =rank<s dreams woud come true as much as he did' !o# during their eary years she
was determined to make the marriage work# to do her part as =rank<s wife and the mother of his
" their " two sons' 7t is not much more than other women do'
She paused to catch her breath' @er body " body0bountifu as =rank :okingy described it "
was beginning to fai her' She sighed and started forward again' /he effort of each heavy step#
e%pressed perfecty the weight of her decision# a decision she<d been coming to for years'
/he path soped toward a sandy beach where chidren spashed and s&ueaed and sharp0eyed
mothers watched from shore' She remembered swimming here with her father' Such magica
days " the chiy sea# the warmth of his arms twiring her through the water# the assurance of his
gente aughter'
8@ida Andreggan# is that youE9 a voice brought her back to the present' !ot far from her
stood a round woman in a chocoate0brown dress# hoding a stack of dark bue towes' 87 was
=orence /ober#9 the woman announced' @ida remembered' Even as a chid =orence had been
round'
8Hou haven<t changed a bit#9 =orence said' 8,idn<t you marry that American sodierE9
/hree shivering youngsters ran to =orence and tugged at the towes' She doed them out'
8Stand in the sun unti you<re dry'9
8Hes#9 @ida said' 8=rank 2ummer' 4e moved to the States'9
8Hes# 7 remember now' 7 married 4ater /schamper'9 /he chidren# wrapped in towes#
stared with arge eyes at the women' 8/hese are my grandchidren#9 =orence continued' 8Hou<re
back here on hoidayE9
@ida nodded'
8Hou have grandchidrenE9
8Hes'9
=orence smied and shook her head' 84e become grandparents so soon'9
-ancing toward the itte ones# she asked# 8,ry yetE9 /hey nodded# hair sti dripping'
84ak sowy then and grandma wi catch up'9 /he chidren started aong the path' =orence
turned to @ida' 8Hou ook the same' Dust the same as aways' 7< te 4ater 7 saw you' @e< be
surprised'9
She searched her purse unti she found a sip of paper' 8Hou must come for dinner'9 She
scribbed a phone number on the paper and handed it to @ida' 8/omorrow nightE9
87<d ike to# but 7<m not sure'9
84e<d ove to have you#9 she said# starting after her grandchidren'
87< ca'9 @ida foded the paper and sipped it into her purse' She oved how easiy the
words fowed from her tongue# how deiciousy her ears gathered them in from those around her'
!o matter how many years she<d spoken and istened to American Engish# she was aways
straining# trying too hard with the anguage' /he Swiss -erman of 3omanshorn# effortess as
sik# spread a sense of peace over her'
She eased onto an empty bench at the edge of the beach# pued a chocoate bar from her
purse# foded back its tinfoi covering# and broke off a piece' 7t meted# rich and smooth on her
tongue'
/he ight softened' @undreds of minnows rose for evening insects' She was to :oin =rank for
dinner at )ahnofbuffet# where they<d met so ong ago' /he rairoad station restaurant with its
yacht harbor view was the perfect pace for a 1O0year0od gir and a confident sodier to discover
each other'
4hat e%citement they had shared in their first few years together' She remembered an
afternoon in -rand 3apids' =rank grabbing her# his ips meeting hers in an enthusiastic smack' 7t
was the end of their first month operating the mote' 8/his time we<re going to make it big69 he>d
waved the bank deposit sip'
Such e%tremes' /hat was ife with =rank " a action# hopes and disappointments' She smied
and sighed at the memory'
7t had been a good ife in its own way# but she was weary' /he e%citement of possibiity
repeated every week or month or year kept =rank young whie it e%hausted her'
And there had been other women' /here was one now' 7n /oedo' @ida pretended not to
know' =rank pretended too' 7t was their way' /hey kept their secrets'
Het she coud not pretend away the tumor'
She shaved off fakes of the chocoate bar with her teeth'
She<d wanted to te him about the tumor' /o see his face grow gente and kind# fee his
arms enfod her# hear him whisper# 8)aby# we< whip this together'9 )ut the time was never
right'
She amost said something this morning with the sun fiing up their room# giding the piow
hoding his head' She oved the way his hair cured fitfuy at the neck# the way he sighed when
he e%haed' She<d touched his curs this morning# softy stroked his shouders and back# thinking
if he turned to her she<d te' )ut he didn<t'
And this afternoon he wanted to visit -us<s bar# a hangout he<d en:oyed as a sodier' She
coud hear him now teing how he coud sti wear the same uniform he<d worn ?0 years ago'
@e<d be tapping his trim stomach and saying# 8=ifty push0ups# fifty sit0ups every morning :ust
ike cockwork'9
=rank woud drink and tak# eyes sparking# voice enthraing' @e<d keep -us and the other
bar patrons thoroughy entertained' 7t was his way'
She had ong considered eaving him# but there was aways a reason to stay' 7n the
beginning# it was to prove her mother wrong' /hen# it was for the babies and the hope that one of
=rank<s dreams woud come true' Later# it was ony for the boys' And atey it had been out of
habit'
)ut now there was the tumor' /he doctor said it woud not be a &uick ending'
=rank<s tenderness was not of the ong0term variety' 4hen her father died# and ater# her
mother# =rank had been caring and understanding for two months' @is compassion# genuine and
heaing# ended after two months' @e was restess to get on with ife' And the tumor# the cancer#
woud take much more than two months' !o# this was not something they coud go through
together' She knew that as surey as she knew she wanted to stay here# to die in her hometown
with the church bes chiming on the cear Swiss air'
She swaowed the ast of the chocoate# wadded the foi and dropped it into her purse' /he
sea was turning to pewter in the fading evening ight'
/heir sons had =rank<s confident optimism# but they<d chosen stabe careers " engineering
and accounting' She wanted to beieve it was her soid Swiss genes that heped them wak a
camer path' /he boys# even more than =rank# had compicated her decision' @ow coud she
eave them and their wives and her grandchidrenE
/he answer had formed sowy over many weeks' She coud eave them with a memory# an
e%perience of her as a robust# heathy woman who oved them' !o need for their eyes to watch#
their hearts to be fied with hepessness as the tumor consumed her' @er gift to them was in her
parting'
She knew this decision was right " for her# for =rank and the boys# too' !ot that it was easy'
)ut it was right'
/he air cooed' She stood# straightened her dress# and headed for the nearby restaurant#
brooding over the hundreds of days and nights she and =rank had been together' As she neared
the )ahnofbuffet# she caught a gimpse of hersef in a shop window and was peased' She ooked
younger than she fet' @er face was sti pretty' And she iked her hair ike this " pued up in a
oose# comfortabe bun' She ooked Swiss' She fet Swiss' 7t fet good'
P P P
She sat at 8their9 tabe# the one they aways took when they were courting' A sma end tabe
for two# from which the entire harbor was visibe# from the tobacco buidings on the right to the
yachts moored in a semi0circe on the eft'
She watched him swagger around the corner as if he were sti twenty0one' )ehind him#
tourists bought postcards and internationa newspapers' 4hen he saw her# his step &uickened'
8Can you beieve this paceE !othing<s changed here in ?0 years#9 he neary shouted# puing out
an orange pastic chair and dropping into it'
She fet breathess in the knowedge of what she was about to do'
8Man has -ustav aged69 he chucked' 87 mean# )abe# you shouda seen Lim' !o hair' 2aunch
ike that' @e spent the whoe afternoon tryin< to decide whether to add another beer to his menu'
/his is the big decision# capita ) capita ,# of his ife# whether to have five or si% kindsa beer
for the patrons'9 @e shook his head ike he<d :ust smeed something offensive'
4hen the waiter brought menus# =rank ordered bratwurst and saad' 8And two beers#9 he
added' /hen# ooking at her# 8Hou<d ike one woudn<t youE9
She nodded' She didn<t care for beer# but she knew he<d drink hers' And that was fine'
She ooked at him sowy# carefuy# noticing again his broad# smooth forehead and thick
ashes' Even at B?# the ines around his eyes were so fine they were amost invisibe'
84hat a pace#9 he said absenty'
87 know' 7t<s good to be in 3omanshorn'9 @er voice refected the heaviness fiing her chest'
@e didn<t seem to notice' /hey watched the ast white ferry of the day oad up with tourists and
sowy chug away from the pier for a captain<s dinner cruise'
4hen their mea arrived# she watched him attack his pae# scorched bratwurst# sicing it in a
rush and washing the meaty circes down with beer' =rank had stayed a boy whie she had
become an od woman'
@e was getting ready to spring something' She coud te from his sient concentration on the
bratwurst' @e had a scheme " perhaps to import bratwurst to ,uuth' )ut today<s dream woud
never reach her ears' Athough she fet the trembe of fear# she was determined to be @ida
Andreggen 2ummer and make her own decision known'
=rank ceared his throat' 8/here<s something 7 shoud te you#9 he said# his eyes fat# amost
sad# and if the pressure of her decision had not been ready to e%pode# she woud have noticed
and cared and istened' )ut instead# she raised her hand to sience him# and he was sienced'
8=rank 2ummer# 7 ove you#9 she said# wishing she had his fair for words' 87 wi aways
ove you# but ' ' ' 9 she ooked at her haf0eaten sausage and swaowed severa times as tears
rose'
8)ut what# )abeE9
8)ut 7 wi not go back to America with you#9 she whispered'
@is face opened into a arge grin' /hen# reai.ing she was not :oking# he ooked confused'
84hatE9
87 cannot e%pain'9
8)ut# but#9 he stammered'
87 have known for a ong time that 7 must come back here#9 she said' 8/his is my and'9
8Hou<re seriousE9
She cosed her eyes'
Sience sipped between them as the surrounding tabes fied with other coupes' =rank ay
down his fork'
84e# then#9 his voice sounded muffed and far away' @is eyes searched the tabetop' @e
brushed away some crumbs' 8/hen 7< stay with you here' 7f you want to ive here# we can do
that' 4e< ive here'9
She shook her head# sowy# deiberatey' 8Hou beong in America' Hou woud never be
happy here'9 /ears began to dampen her cheeks' She dabbed at her eyes with her napkin' @e
raised red rimmed eyes to her# his ips oose and trembing' 8=rank# we have tried for thirty
years'9
8/hey<ve been good years#9 he whispered'
She smied' 8/here were many good times'9
@e scooped up her hands and began kissing them' 8)aby# 7<m sorry for the times 7 got
angry'9
87t<s not about our angry times'9
84e# then# whatE 4hatE9
87 :ust need 3omanshorn'9
8/hen 7< stay here with you'9
8!o#9 she said' 8Hou woudn<t be happy here' 7t<s too sow for you'9
8Maybe 7 coud start a business' A Laundromat'9
She chucked# 8A Laundromat'9
84hat about meE9 he said' 84hat about the boysE9
87 ove you a# and 7 know you wi do :ust fine without me'9
8!o we won<t#9 his face began to coud'
8Hes# you wi'9
@e shook his head back and forth# back and forth# as tears fied his eyes'
87 have written to the boys#9 she said# wiping away her tears with her napkin' 87< be with
you in spirit# but 7 must stay here'9
87< change'9
@ida whispered# 8=rank# you< never change' And 7 woudn<t want you to' Hou are fu of
dreams and hopes' /hat<s what keeps you young' 4hy woud anyone want to change thatE9
8/hen ''' then ''' whyE9
8)ecause'9 She sighed' @ow coud she te him that she<d never become a rea AmericanE
/hat she sti oved the podding pace of the 1d 4ord' /hat she had but one dream and that was
to die in peace in 3omanshorn' 8)ecause 7 am tired# and 7 know 7 beong here'9
/he conversation withered' =rank ooked od and shrunken# but she knew the pain was
temporary' @e had the boys and his ife in America'
84i you change your mindE9
She shook her head'
@e ga.ed at his empty pate' 87s there another manE9 he whispered'
8Another manE9 @ida began to augh in spite of hersef' She tried to stife it with her
napkin# but the more she tried# the more her aughter grew' She had not aughed ike this in years'
8/hank you for the compiment#9 she gasped' 8)ut there is no man in my ife e%cept you#
=rank 2ummer# and there never wi be'9
She aughed and aughed# and soon =rank was aughing# and peope at nearby tabes were
chucking# too' She aughed unti the tears roed down her cheeks and she fet revived and young
once more'
4hen the aughter finay stopped# she wiped her eyes' And =rank wiped his' 87 wi eave
you now#9 she said' 87 have aready taken a room'9
8)ut'9
She paced her finger on his ips' @e did not speak' @eaving hersef from the chair# she stood
for a ong moment ga.ing down at him' /hen she bent and kissed his forehead' 7t was not a
hurried kiss# but firm' And fina'
She cung to the odor of him as she rounded the corner of the station# her fingers searching
for =orence<s teephone number'
/o return to the Story 2reviews# cick on the itte heart above'
Story 4 - The oor
Juie Stevens waked from one rack of tops to another# pausing occasionay to pu a god or
purpe one out and hod it ne%t to her' Everything ooked beautifu on the rack and ugy on her'
/he e%posive coors wrinked into one another in her mind'
She was going to visit her father today' /he rest of ife seemed out of :oint'
She wasted time'
1ther shoppers brushed against her as she e%amined a western0stye sacks and :acket outfit'
/he eterna background music of the shopping ma drifted around her'
2eope smied'
She saw girs her age taking and aughing among the sportswear# their eyes it up whie
fingers stroked :ogging pants' She wished she coud fee as happy as they ooked'
@er father' /he thought of visiting him had come during bioogy cass' She<d been sitting
there# whispering to the gir ne%t to her whie the teacher taked about reproduction' Everybody
whispered during reproduction ectures' 4hispered or aughed or roed their eyes' /he ectures
were either too stae or too embarrassing'
Anyway# she<d been sitting there# when a of a sudden it hit her' She hadn<t seen her father
for two years' /wo years ago she<d ony been fifteen' @er hair wasn<t very ong at a back then'
And she was bony a over'
3eproduction' 7magining that she<d been created by her father and mother oving each other
was impossibe' /ears gathered# and she amost aughed at the stupidity of it'
Love' 4hat was thatE Sti# she coudn<t get over the fact that she hadn<t seen him for two
years' /he bad part was that she hadn<t missed seeing him'
@adn<t even thought of him# unti something about reproduction crossed her mind in bioogy
cass' /hen she thought of him# and she decided to visit him'
7t was one of those sudden urges' She didn<t reay want to see him again# but she had toI she
coudn<t e%pain why# e%acty'
7t<s :ust that ' ' ' we# he was her father and she was a part of him' A part that suddeny fet
very separate and aone'
She stared at the manne&uin in the ski outfit' /he painted paster smie was ike a the times
when she was itte# when he<d picked her up for a day at the .oo or an afternoon at the movies'
She<d smied then# even though she wasn<t happy' Maybe she thought if she smied# happiness
woud come'
Duie eft the store# and waked toward the bus stop' As aways# there were a ot of peope on
the sidewak' @urrying# pushing past one another# trying to make it across the street before the
,1!</ 4AL( sign fashed on' /rying to catch the bus before it pued away from the curb'
/rying to fag a cab'
She hesitated# trying to waste time' She was in no hurry' She watched everyone ese rush by#
wishing she hadn<t remembered how ong it had been since she<d seen him' 4ishing she coud
change the past'
@er father was a non0person' As far back as she coud remember he<d had nothing
meaningfu to say# no thoughts# no opinions on anything' !o one knew him' Even she didn<t
know him'
8Dack was aways a nobody#9 her mother<s words echoed through her mind' 8@e coudn<t
hod a :ob' !ever had any friends' @e was a miserabe husband and father'9
MiserabeE Dack Stevens was no father at a' Duie coud finay say it without finching' She
had accepted the fact that he never caed anymore and that he never came to see her'
1h# he had at first' 4hie she was itte# he<d come once a week to spend the afternoon with
her' /hey<d go to the park# or he<d take her to the ibrary' )ut it wasn<t genuine' @e wasn<t ike a
dad'
@e and her mother aways fought when he<d pick her up# or when he<d bring her back' Duie
spent the day dreading the confrontation at the end of the visit' And eventuay# after
innumerabe fights with her mother# he simpy faded out of the picture'
@e sent a card on her birthday# and a present at Christmas' @e aways maied her support
money' )ut he never came'
She fingered her phone' She shoud ca and see if he was home'
@er bus# number 12# pued up at the curb' Aong with a do.en other peope# she crowded
aboard' At this time of the evening there was standing room ony# and she swayed and :osted
against the other passengers'
She<d tod her mother she was staying with a friend' /eing her the truth woud ony cause
troube'
7t was hard to understand how one person coud ead such an empty ife# fied to the top
with hate' (atie Stevens was a big woman' Strong in her opinions' Loud when voicing them'
Duie did not ove her mother' @ow coud she ove someone who spent her entire ife hating
Duie<s fatherE /he barrages of criticism had often sent Duie screaming# 8Shut up6 @e<s my
father69 ony to watch her mother crumpe into tears# sobbing# 8@e eft us' @e eft us' And you
ove him more than you ove me'9
/hen Duie woud have to assure her mother that she oved her more " much more " than she
oved her father' Love' 7t was a a big farce' A big# empty nothing with a hoe in the midde'
She<d tod her mother she was spending the weekend with a friend' She fet her phone again'
!o reason to ca' @e<d be home' @e was aways there in his three0room apartment# reading the
newspaper or watching teevision'
/oo soon the bus stopped at 1ive and )eevue and Duie s&uee.ed through the aise fu of
passengers' 8E%cuse me'9 82ardon me# 2ease'9 /rying not to smash the packages of those
standing# or ruin the hairdos of those seated' 8E%cuse me'9 =inay she made it to the door and
cimbed off'
@er books and :acket in one arm# she started sowy toward the gray stone apartment
buiding' /he fresh air cut through her brown hair with a tang that was pure 2uget Sound' ,own
the ong# paved hi was Seatte<s business district and beyond the buidings ay the Sound' Late
afternoon sunight cut a ba.ing path across the water' Duie s&uinted temporariy'
/hen she waked into the shadow of the apartment buiding' @e<d ived here ever since the
divorce' =or ten years this had been his home'
She cimbed the steps and entered the main haway' /he same od# amost0forgotten odor
met her " a mi%ture of acoho# bacon grease and dust' An odor coected over the years from
do.ens of three0room apartments and hed in the cose# tight darkness of the narrow ha'
Apartment Q was the fourth on the right' She stood in front of the door' /he same od
confusion swept over her' Shoud she knock or :ust wak inE 4as she his daughter or a strange
visitorE
/wo years and nothing had changed' She fet anger' She had e%pected things to be different
now that she was oder# but here she was# sti trying to decide who she was# sti trying to figure
out if she shoud knock or :ust wak in' Everything was repeating itsef'
She took hod of the knob to wak in# hesitated# then et go and knocked' She reai.ed that
she was actuay afraid to see her father' 7nside the apartment someone headed for the door' /he
footsteps were firm but sow' 8Dust a minute#9 he said'
@er heart fopped over at his voice' She hadn<t heard it in two years' She<d forgotten how
meow it was# how soft# how much she<d missed it' /he door opened and there he stood' @e was
si% feet ta " shorter than when she was fifteen' A ook of sight confusion payed on his face'
8,on<t te me 7<ve changed so much you can<t remember me#9 she said'
8Duie6 /his is a surprise'9 !either of them smied' @e tried to# but it :ust fickered and died
right there between them' 82ease come in'9 @e stepped aside and she waked in' !othing had
changed'
/he kitchen was sti a dirty yeow# with inoeum on the foor and counters' /he iving
room was green with threadbare carpeting# a davenport# chair and /+' Severa framed pictures of
her smiing at the camera sat on the /+'
8@ow<ve you beenE9 she asked# knowing his answer'
8=ine' And youE9
She wished he didn<t aways say that' 7t sounded ike something you<d say to a stranger# not
your daughter'
81kay# 7 guess'9 She sat on the davenport' @e sat in the chair' /hey stared at the /+' 4hy
coudn<t he say somethingE 4hy coudn<t he smieE 4hy did they aways end up watching
teevisionE
87 hope dropping in ike this won<t interrupt your pans for the weekend#9 she said when the
commercia came on'
@e shook his head' 8,on<t have any pans'9 @is hair was amost totay gray' @e<d aged a ot
in two years' An awfuy ot' /he show resumed and they watched it'
4hen the commercias came on again# he went to the kitchen and puttered around' Dust ike
him' Anything to keep from taking to her' @e<d never taked to her mother and he<d never taked
to her' Aways watching teevision or reading the paper' Aways paying the part of uninvoved
spectator'
/he program started' 8)etter speed it up or you< miss something#9 Duie caed
sarcasticay' @e came around the corner of the kitchen with two pastic bows of ice cream'
@anding one to her# he sat down in his chair with the other' 8!ot much#9 he said# 8=or a
ceebration' )ut at east it<s something'9
@er throat knotted up' She stared at the /+ screen# wishing the sudden surge of moisture in
her eyes woud hurry up and evaporate' 7t wasn<t :ust the ice cream# but his pathetic attempt to
say something' 4hy coudn<t he :ust speakE 4hy birthday cards and presents and support checks
but never a visitE 4hy the sudden knot in her throat when there was reay nothing# nothing at
a# between themE
She stared at the ice cream meting in the bow and then at her father' She wanted to grab
him and shake him and scream# 8/ak to me6 /e me 7 matter to you69 )ut instead she took a
spoonfu and et the sweet codness fi her'
/he eeven o<cock movie came on' Duie went in the bedroom and changed into a pair of his
pa:amas' /hey<d been in the top drawer of the dresser' =oded and bue' ,idn<t fit her e%acty#
but they were better than seeping in her underwear'
/he movie was an od ,ick 2owe# 3uby (eeer fim' 8,o you have to watch thatE9 she
asked# tired of the happy music' @e turned it off'
Sience fe with a thud between them'
Duie sat on the davenport staring at him# hurt and anger spreading out inside' @e ooked at
the ifeess teevision screen for a few minutes and then picked up the newspaper' 87<m sorry the
/+ bothered you#9 he said absenty as his eyes scanned the sports page' 8Hou shoud have said
something sooner'9
87t<s not the /+# dammit' 7t<s you'9
/he paper crumped in his ap' @e stared at her' She gared back' 84here did you get such
anguageE Hour mother never used that word'9
8My mother has nothing to do with it'9 7t was the first time they<d ever mentioned her
mother' /he first time in ten years' Something cutched at her throat'
87<m shocked that you woud swear'9
8Hou don<t understand# do youE Hou reay don<t understand'9 She shook her head' @e sat
staring at her# his mouth open sighty as if he wanted to say something but coudn<t remember
what'
A the anger and hurt and oneiness surfaced in a food of tears' Duie wiped them away
with the seeve of his pa:ama' 87 didn<t come over here to watch /+' 7 came to see you'9 She<d
never cried in front of him' !ot since the divorce' Aways the paster smie# the Lhi0how0are0you<
Lfine0how0are0you< meaningessness'
@is cheeks gowed pink'
8,on<t you reai.e it<s been two years'9 She started to cry again but caught hersef' @e was
ooking at her " as if for the first time' @is eyes studied her face# touched her hair briefy'
@e shook his head' 8!o# it<s been ten'9
4hatE Confusion fitted across her mind ike a butterfy'
8Hou came over here because you missed somethingMme# 7 guess' After two years you
suddeny woke up one morning and you missed me'9 @e ceared his throat'
@is voice was very soft' 8)ut you ony missed me today'9 She wanted to protest# to te him
she missed him every day of her ife# but it wasn<t the truth and besides he was sti taking'
8Hou<re young# Duie' Hou have a of ife in front of you' Hou shoud ive it to the fuest'
7<m od' My ife is behind me'9 @is eyes dropped# studied the worn spots in the carpet'
87 don<t think you<re so od#9 she offered'
@e smied and his eyes softened' 8)eieve me# 7<m very od#9 he said' 8And very tired'9
Duie sighed' She sat back on the davenport and watched him' @e<d never get back to the
sub:ect of her visiting him' @e was incurabe' @e<d never understand what she had come for' @e
:ust coudn<t see that she had a big# deep# onging need'
8Hou< never understand# Duie#9 he said' 8Hou can<t because you<re a different person' Hou
can<t see things through my eyes and 7 don<t e%pect you to'9
4hy don<t you get to the point# she thought'
8/he point is#9 he paused a ong time' 8/he point is# 7 can<t afford to reate to you directy'9
@is words e%poded in front of her' She sat up# heart beating ike a sedge hammer' 8)ut
whyE9 4hy coudn<t heE 4hyE
@e searched her face and strugged for :ust the right words' 8@ow can 7 et mysef get
invoved# when# it might be another two years ' ' ' 9 his voice traied off'
/he sience siced through her heart'
87 stopped visiting you because of the fights (atie and 7 had every time 7 picked you up or
dropped you off' 7 thought it was better for you to have a peacefu home'9
/he tears came &uiety now' She wiped them away' @e continued'
87 ike having you here' 7t fees good and right' )ut the /+ diutes the atmosphere a itte'
And that heps' 7f 7 had my way# you<d stay with me' )ut ' ' ' 9 he coughed a itte' 87 guess you
think 7<m a rotten e%cuse for a father'9
83otten e%cuse for a father9 ricocheted off the was of her mind# ony it was her mother<s
voice speaking the words'
84e# 7 suppose 7 am#9 he said' 8)ut ' ' ' we# 7 fee ike 7<ve ost the ony thing 7 reay ove
in this word' And that<s you'9
8)ut you haven<t' 1h# no you haven<t'9 she sobbed'
She ran to him# then stopped' Shoud she hug him ' ' ' or touch his shouderE Shoud she
wak in or knockE 4as she his daughter or a strangerE /he tears rushed out in hepess confusion'
She stood there# unsure'
Sowy he stood up and carried his ice cream bow toward the kitchen' @is feet moved
mechanicay forward'
Suddeny she reai.ed who he was# who she was' She ran to him# tears burring everything'
81h# ,ad69
@e pued her cose and she fet him kiss the top of her head'
/he bow dropped in their fumbing embrace'
/o return to the Story 2reviews# cick on the itte heart above'
Story ! - Worst First
Fa true storyG
Chemistry had si..ed between /ony and me from our first meeting' @e was vice president of
deveopment for a coege south of San =rancisco' @e<d hired me on contract to design and
impement a marketing program highighting the schoo<s new buiding pro:ects'
4ith a trim# medium buid# back hair# snapping brown eyes and easy smie# /ony ooked
more ike a /+ star than an academic officer' @e knew what kind of promotion and media
coverage the coege needed# and 7 knew how to write copy that woud draw reporters to campus'
4e were an e%ceent team and our mutua attraction added a firty# fun eement to our work'
)ut we kept things stricty professiona' 4e were# after a# mature aduts# both in our A0s' 4e
had enough brains to avoid the embarrassing pitfas of the young and impetuous' )ut as soon as
my contract ended# /ony caed and asked me to dinner'
/his first date woud not be casua' /he restaurant he chose was among the priciest at San
=rancisco<s Jnion S&uare' 7 had my nais done# my hair styed# and chose a robin<s0egg0bue sik
dress that moved sensuousy as 7 waked# or draped femininey when 7 was not moving'
7 chose a tiny# soft eather evening purse# with a ong# thin strap' And athough 7 rarey wear
perfume# 7 dabbed /re<sor behind my ears and in the sma of my neck'
Since 7 ived in )erkeey and he ived on the other side of the bay near 2ao Ato# we
decided to meet at the restaurant' 7t woud be about a A00minute drive one way for each of us'
As 7 drove my brand new 1ORR @onda C3S across the 1akand )ay )ridge heading for
what 7 knew was going to be the perfect evening# 7 fet eated' After a these months we were
finay going to have a night to remember'
2arking on the third eve of a nearby garage# 7 sipped the garage parking tag into my purse'
As 7 waked toward the restaurant in the ate sun of an eary Dune evening# 7 coud see him#
dressed impeccaby# standing outside the restaurant watching me approach'
@e ooked as eegant in his chocoate 7taian suit and brown0and0god0striped tie as 7 fet#
and his smie it up my heart'
8/here<s a AB0minute wait for a tabe#9 he said'
87t<s such a beautifu evening# why don<t we wak a whie#9 7 suggested'
82erfect69 @e took my ebow and we fe into a comfortabe# fuid rhythm waking in gente
harmony'
/he warm evening ued us' 4e turned into Chinatown wandering easiy aong the
storefronts' Houng famiies pushing baby carriages fied the sidewak around us and 7 fet ike
we were the best0dressed coupe in a movie set from the LB0s# surrounded by ove and happiness'
7f someone had begun singing Louis Armstrong<s 84hat a )eautifu 4ord9 or Duius La 3osa<s
8/his is @eaven9 7 woud not have been surprised'
)ut instead of a song# we were shocked by the sudden sound of stampeding feet behind us
and thrown off baance by a fu0force body sam into both our backs' 4e stumbed# neary
faing# but grabbed each other and maintained our feet' /he entire scene fro.e# a mouths open#
a eyes on two young men# one with my purse# racing down the street and around the corner' A
7 remember is the cut strap of my purse traiing deicate and gracefu ike a ong bue ribbon
waving 8good bye9 as they ran'
/ony said 7 was the ony person to utter a sound during the event' 7 said# 8/here goes my
purse'9
After the initia shock# the cast of e%tras with their baby carriages moved on' 3atted# we
searched for a pay phone to ca the poice'
Evening fog roed in# making me shiver' /ony gave me his suit coat' An empty pi..a pace
et us use the phone' /hen we sat and waited for the poice' 4e didn<t speak' 4hat was there to
sayE My brain# which usuay hummed with ideas# opinions and &uestions# was sient' 7 fet
hepess and empty# so hoow that the sightest bree.e coud have carried me away ike a feather'
4e stared out the windows as fog ran in rivuets down the gass'
4hen the two poicemen arrived# they interviewed us at ength' And they waked down the
street where we<d seen the guys run# ooking in dumpsters and under parked cars# poking through
the gathering darkness with their fashights# to see if they coud retrieve my purse' /o no avai'
/hey gave us both a itte card that said we<d been mugged at such and such a time in such and
such a pace# and they wrote a case number on the card so we coud ca and see if they ever
found my purse' 7 sipped the card into my shoe'
)y now it was dark' /ony and 7 both reai.ed 7 had no way to get my car out of the garage'
87 have another set of keys at home#9 7 said' 4e waked to /ony<s car and headed for )erkeey'
At east we were warm in the car'
4e finay arrived at my house' 7 ran up the stairs to the front door ony to reai.e 7 had no
keys to get into the pace' /he night was back and cod and we didn<t have a fashight'
87 aways ock everything#9 7 said# my heart sinking'
8Even the bathroom windowE9 he asked'
4e stumbed around to the back# and /ony in his eegant suit# cimbed up on the garbage
can Fwhich 7 hed to keep it steadyG and pushed the itte bathroom window open' /hen he pued
himsef up and wigged through# anding with a thud on the other side' 7 prayed that 7<d cosed
the top of the toiet seat'
@e turned on some ights and opened the front door' 7 hurried in# grabbed my spare set of
keys and a sweater :acket' /hen it was back to his car' )y now it was we after O p'm'
87 gotta get something to eat69 he said' 7 was starving# too' 4e found a hot dog stand ne%t to
the JC )erkeey campus' 7t was open to the street' /here were no tabes' /he cod air bew
through# wet enough to eave dropets on my sweater' )ut the hot dogs smeed great si..ing on
the gri# their steam rising in couds' (ids in white smocks and chef hats dished them up on
toasted buns' /ony scarfed down two and 7 ate one as we stood there# dust and scrap paper
swiring around our feet in the brisk night wind'
/hen back to the car and back to San =rancisco' @e had to turn on the windshied wipers the
fog was so thick# and as we crossed the 1akand )ay )ridge# he began to shake'
8Sunny# it<s :ust hitting me now# how cose we came to vioence#9 he said' 84e coud have
been shot6 4e coud have been stabbed6 7 mean# 7 mean# it<s :ust hitting me now69
@e was shaking so hard# 7 asked if he wanted me to drive' )ut he decined'
4e rode in soemn sience# /ony shaking# back to the garage' @e drove me to my car# but 7
had no parking tag# no driver<s icense' @ow coud 7 get out of the garageE ,own at the gate# 7
tried to e%pain what had happened to the parking booth guy' @e tod us to park our cars and go
in a sma# ighted office' 4e did'
Eventuay# the parking garage manager arrived' 4e showed him our 8we :ust got mugged9
cards' @e phoned the poice# and determined that 7 was most ikey the owner of my car# and he
et us go'
1f course# 7 had no money to pay for parking' /ony paid'
1ut on the street# we both pued to the curb and cimbed out' !either of us was smiing' 4e
shared a ong# trembing hug' 7t hed no romantic promise'
/hen we headed home " he down the peninsua to 2ao AtoI 7# for the fourth time that night#
across the )ay )ridge and back to )erkeey'
/he crooks had aready spent neary KO00 on my credit card account by the time 7 phoned to
report the theft' 7t woud be haf a year before 7 had everything back to norma'
Athough /ony caed a few days ater to see how 7 was# and even though he genty
suggested a rain check dinner date# it never materiai.ed' 4ho had the heart for a second dateE
/o return to the Story 2reviews# cick on the itte heart above'
Story " - Love's #cho
Two gnats circed :ust inches from 2ete )ishop<s face as he sat at his kitchen tabe drinking iced
tea' 7t wasn<t often he coud get away in the midde of the afternoon ike this' /he heat sucked
moisture from his body' Sweat gathered in dropets on his forehead# ran in rivuets down his neck
and back' Swatting at the gnats# he ganced toward the window screen to see if it had a hoe
where they coud have entered'
8And the chidren e%pect to go to coege#9 Martha<s 70:ust0don<t<0know0what0we<re0going0
to0do voice was saying' 8And we want them to# don<t weE9
2ete nodded# wiping his face and neck with a paper napkin'
8/hey<re smart enough to get schoarships# but that won<t cover everything'9 She pushed a
strand of hair behind her ear'
@e drained his gass for the second time' 4hen Martha refied it# a coupe of ice cubes
tumbed in# spashing tea drops on the tabe' She &uicky wiped them away with a napkin' @e
ga.ed at her# soft and round from their years together# her hair showing more gray than back
now# and he fet ucky to have her'
/hen the gnats entered his ine of vision again' @e ficked at them but they didn<t go away'
82ete# ne%t year Linda<s a senior' And the year after that Matt graduates' So coege is right
here# staring us in the face' 7 don<t know what we<re going to do'9
87< work harder#9 he said'
84henE9 She eaned forward shaking her head' 8Hou<re never home now'9
@e swatted at the gnats# then waked to the window and cosed it'
87t<s too hot to shut the window#9 she said'
8/he fies are coming from somewhere'9
84e# it<s too hot to cose the window'9
@e opened it again# wondering how May coud fee so much ike August'
87< :ust have to take some secretaria casses and get a :ob#9 she sighed' 87magine me# fat
and gray# going back to schoo'9
@e sat down# a sense of ama.ement fiing him' Coege6 @e<d never dreamed of such a
priviege# but Martha was fied with ideas and she made them a beieve in great possibiities'
82ete# tak to me#9 she neary shouted' 8Hou never tak to me' @ere 7 am# pouring out my
fears to you# and you never say anything'9 @er sharp insistence shook him' /he feeing was
famiiar' 8,o you want me to get a :ob or notE /e me what you think'9
@e reached for her hand# covering it with his own# noticing that the years had stoen none of
the snap from her brown eyes' 87f you want a :ob# then 7 want it too'9
,isappointment spread across her face' 8Hou never share'9 @er voice was barey more than
a whisper' 81ne of the nice things about this younger generation is that they share' /hey te each
other what they<re feeing# what they<re thinking'9
@e swiped again at the gnats'
82ete# te me what you fee# what you think'9
87 fee hot' And 7 hate these damn fies'9
She stared at the ceiing' 87 mean about me# about the kids'9
87<m happy with you and the kids' 4e got good kids' Coege is a good idea'9 @e carried his
gass to the sink and rinsed it out' 8And 7 think 7 better get back to work'9 She came up beside
him with her own gass and that rose fragrance she aways wore' @e rinsed her gass' /hen#
eaning over# he kissed her forehead'
/he screen door sapped genty behind him as he eft' -etting home for a few minutes ike
this in the midde of the day was rare' @e whisted 87 ,on<t 4ant to 4ak 4ithout Hou9 as he
cimbed into the truck and headed back to Evans< !ursery' 7t didn<t seem that ong ago that the
kids were starting kindergarten and he was working at the schoo district# mowing awns and
trimming hedges'
Linda was in second grade when he started working weekends at Evans< to earn a itte
e%tra' 1ver the years the nursery drew him in' !ot that the pay was so great# but 3andy and Dune
Evans were good peope and there was something about pants in a pace where peope oved
them'
/he thought of his chidren going to coege sent tremors through 2ete' @e was getting too
od too fast' @e checked himsef in the rear view mirror' 2enty of hair# penty of eyebrows' A
itte gray scattered through the cury tange# but he fet reassured'
4hen Linda and Matt go to coege# wi they find him stupidE Aready he saw them drift off
when he taked too ong about a nursery customer or how he<d babied some ornamenta back to
heath' 4hat wi they find to tak about with him# when he didn<t even finish high schooE 1f
course# he<d never tod them he was a funk0out# but coud they teE 4oud they want their
coege friends to meet himE
At the nursery# he found 3andy stacking pastic bags of steer manure beside one of the vine
buidings# and asked if more work coud be ined up for him since his kids were heading for
coege'
82ete# you work a the time now#9 3andy said# pausing to wipe his face on the arm of his
shirt'
87 know' )ut the kids< need e%tra hep'9
84eM9 3andy stared at the ground' 8Hou know 7 aways need deiveries' 7f you<d stay ate
a coupe nights a week# you coud do deiveries during the afternoon or eary evening'9
8-reat' Hou got it'9
/hat day 2ete worked with deciduous vines5 wisteria# cematis and trumpet vine' As he
moved between the rows of containers# watering and pruning# he whisted snatches of songs5
87t<s 1ny a 2aper Moon#9 8Let Me Ca Hou Sweetheart#9 and 84hat a )eautifu 4ord'9
Later# when he was shoveing soi into five0gaon containers for tomorrow<s pantings# a
whiff of sun0hot dust surrounded him in a sudden memory' @e was seven and sma# crawing
aong dusty rows# picking onions' Crawing whie the sun fried the back of his neck# and 1d
Man )eaker yeed at him# 8Speed it up'9
7n ess than a moment# his past enveoped him ike the dust from the other chid pickers' @e
remembered the fee of )eaker<s boot on his behind# the hard# fat boot soe pushing him into the
dirt# into the warm summer dust' And the nervous aughter rising from the other kids who<d seen
what )eaker did'
2ete shook his head to cear it' @e<d decided ong ago to cose the door on his past# to refuse
to et the memories or their anger touch him'
!ow# whenever he thought of Martha and the chidren# he fet a sense of pride and contro#
that he was abe to buid himsef a new ife' /hey were the proof of his success'
Het his past crept upon him# or moved steathiy with him# sometimes bursting vioenty into
the present through dreams or sudden memories' 1ther times# fitting in unnoticed unti a tiny
thing " a whispered fragrance or the shadow of a sound " punged him back into the pain'
/oday<s memory was easy to shake' )reathing deepy# he concentrated on ining up the
containers for tomorrow<s panting# cearing his mind of everything e%cept this one# immediate
task' 4ith care he focused on each container and how precisey it was paced among the others'
After the ast customer eft and the sheds were ocked and the foor swept# Dune poured them
a coffee and then disappeared into the itte office room to fi out the day<s books'
3andy and 2ete eaned against the wa' /hey both wore bue :eans and paid shirts with the
seeves roed'
8So your kids are going to coege'9
8Heah'9 2ete smied at the idea and stared at his coffee'
8Coege<s sure necessary these days#9 3andy said' 87t<s not ike when we were kids and a
you needed was the wi to work'9
8/hat<s the truth'9
8Hour kids are sharp as tacks' /hey< have no probem' /hey know what they want to beE9
2ete shook his head' @e thought about ta# thin Linda# with her bright eyes and her mouth
aways right on the edge of smiing' She was a happy chid# a itte pushy at times but that never
hurts# especiay in a gir' And Matt' 2ete knew in his bones that his stocky# easygoing son woud
be the champion wrester on the high schoo team ne%t year'
@e poured himsef more coffee and motioned with the pot to 3andy# but 3andy shook his
head'
4ho<d have thought back when he was a kid picking onions# when fied dust fied his eyes
and nose and mouth# that he<d have chidren going to coegeE
P P P
Sunday was church' Martha insisted on it' 4hen Linda and Matt reached their teens they<d
protested' Loudy' Linda threw her purse through her bedroom window' Matt kicked a dent in the
wa' Martha made each of them pay for the repairs' )y now they<d accepted church as a natura
fact'
8Soon enough they< be grown and gone and this one thing they can keep with them is
common memories#9 Martha said' 8Church and dinner together is a memory we can a hod'9
2ete iked their being together# sitting in the pew# istening to the reverend# and he iked
singing hymns with his famiy' @e coud hear Matt<s baritone' Sometimes he didn<t sing at a
:ust so he coud isten to Matt and Linda and Martha' Martha<s ato# ike a sweet cup of hot
chocoate# fied and warmed him'
/oday<s sermon was about when Cain kied Abe' As the reverend described the brothers#
2ete thought about his own chidhood' !o brothers' !o sisters' Dust days of vioence and
oneiness' And nights fied with tears'
@e remembered the year he shared a room with four other boys on the Anderson farm' Mr'
Anderson woud wake them before dawn and set them to miking' 2ete<s hands were so sma he
coud hardy s&uee.e out any mik' Anderson woud sap him across the ears or the shouders#
ordering him to 8get more'9
@e hated Anderson :ust ike he<d hated )eaker' @e hated getting up in the dark and miking
stinking cows before he<d even had anything to eat' @e hated being sapped' Many a morning
he<d hid his face in the fank of a fat# warm cow# and cried'
4hy coudn<t his mother ever keep him for ongE She with her fragie hands and her smoky
eyes and her beautifu voice' @is mother# with a her pots of African vioets sitting on counters
and tabes and the arms of the couch# their furry eaves and purpe bossoms fiing the room with
tropica spendor'
At Anderson<s there was a big kid named )radey# who had a crooked scar near the outside
corner of his eft eye' @e said that<s where his od man hit him with a beer botte' @is od man
was the ony person he<d ever take punishment from' /he first time Anderson sapped him#
)radey kicked over his mik bucket and ran out of the barn' /he second time# he punched
Anderson right in the face' /hat<s when the od man sent him back to :uvie'
/he day )radey eft# he gave 2ete his waet' 7t was rea eather# a ight buff coor# and
)radey had carved arrows on it' @e<d made it in shop' 8Can<t have it in :uvie#9 he said when he
gave it to 2ete' 8(eep it safe for me' 4ho knows# we might meet up again'9
/he waet had a sadde0ike sme and a smooth0hard fee against 2ete<s ips' 7t was the ony
thing anyone besides his mother had ever given him'
@e remembered the day Anderson threw that waet down an abandoned we on the farm'
8Hou<re a criminas69 the od man had beowed# his face spotchy red# the veins on his neck
straining ike snakes trying to get out of his skin' /hat<s when 2ete decided to burn down the
house' @e panned it carefuy for more than a week# stashing rags and sticks through a craw
space opening at the back# watching to make sure Anderson was down at the barn' And he<d
pued it off' 2oured kerosene on his pie of kinding and it it' /he match caught with a great
whoosh' /he fash of fire fied the dark underspace' 7t thried and frightened him'
Anderson<s house neary burned down' 2ete smied at the memory' Even today# sitting in
church# the picture of the od man running from the barn amused him' Anderson screaming and
his wife scooping up buckets of water from the horse trough and throwing them on the fire' 2ete
fet sorry for her# having to ive with Anderson'
/hey never knew that he started the fire# but it woudn<t have made any difference if they
had' @e ended up in the same pace' Anderson sent a the boys back to the authorities# saying
they were wid banshees# itte murderers in the making'
After church# Linda chattered about the sermon' 87 never reai.ed that -od didn<t answer the
&uestion#9 she said as she set a bow of boied potatoes on the tabe' Martha put the saad beside
the potatoes' Matt brought the chicken' 2ete carried the casseroe of scaoped corn# hoding it
with pothoders Linda had made years ago in -ir Scouts'
4hen everyone was seated# Martha poured emonade# then sat at the head of the tabe and
said grace' 84e thank thee# 1 Lord# for these thy gifts which we are about to receive' Amen'9
8,id youE9 Linda asked# ooking at Matt'
8,id 7 whatE9
8Ever reai.e the &uestion wasn<t answeredE9 /hen gancing at 2ete# 8,id you know that
before today# ,addyE9
84hich &uestionE9
8,idn<t you even listen to the sermonE9 Linda<s voice fied with reproach' 8Mother# was he
seepingE9 She hed her pate out as Martha dished up the saad'
Martha shook her head'
8Hou know#9 Linda said# 84hen -od asked Cain where Abe was and Cain said# L@ow
shoud 7 know# am 7 my brother<s keeperE< That &uestion was never answered'9
84e# the answer<s obvious#9 Martha said' 8Matt be sure to take some saad'9
8!ot necessariy'9 Linda picked out the smaest potato then passed the bow to 2ete'
83emember how 3everend Mier said you have to make your own answer' 3emember how he
said heping and dominating are amost the same thing' /he ony difference is your motives and
the way the other person fees about your actions' 4e have to be very carefu to distinguish
between the two'9
2ete oved the way Linda used words ike 8necessariy9 and 8distinguish'9 She aready
taked ike a coege0educated person' @e put two arge scoops of corn on Matt<s pate and gave
himsef :ust as big a serving'
L,on<t you think so tooE9 Linda ooked at him'
87 agree with your mother#9 2ete said'
81h# c<mon# ,addy#9 she sighed' 8Hou aways agree with mother'9
8!ot aways'9
8Amost aways'9
8She<s amost aways right'9
Linda and Matt groaned# roing their eyes' 2ete grinned# nodding to Martha' She cocked her
head and gave him a itte smie of her own'
84e# do you think we<re our brother<s keeperE9 Linda persisted'
L1f course'9 2ete picked up a drumstick' 87f we don<t ook out for each other and hep each
other# we<re no better than the animas'9
8)ut what about the fine ine between heping and dominatingE9
2ete shrugged and bit into his chicken'
82ut some gravy on your potato# Linda#9 Martha said'
87t<s fattening'9
87t<s not that fattening'9
Matt said# 8E%cuse me' )i and 7 are going to practice some new wresting hods' 7 tod him
7<d be over as soon as 7 ate'9
8Hou inhae your food#9 Martha said'
87 eat instead of tak'9 @e pushed back from the tabe'
P P P
/hat afternoon Martha and 2ete stretched out to take a nap' /hey ay on the doube bed
they<d had since their wedding and stared at the ceiing' Martha had often suggested they get
modern and buy a bigger bed# but 2ete iked this one' @e iked being cose' And the bed was
comfortabe'
8@ave you thought any more about my getting a :obE9 Martha asked'
87 taked to 3andy about more hours' @e says 7 can do deiveries'9
82ete# you aready work too much'9
8,eiveries might give me a chance to drop by here once or twice a week for a visit#9 he
s&uee.ed her hand' 8And maybe a itte more'9
She stroked his fingers and smoothed the hair on the back of his hand' 87<m going to reay
ook this week for something#9 she said' 87t<s scary# a woman my age# who hasn<t worked in
twenty years# going out there'9
8Hou< do fine'9 Martha was the most capabe person he knew' She<d managed to feed and
cothe the famiy on his sma wages' And she<d kept her good ooks'
8Hou<re never scared of anything are you#9 she said' 8Hou have no idea how 7 fee'9
87<ve been scared'9 @e &uicky tried to think of something that had frightened him# in case
she asked'
84hen was the ast timeE9
84e# et<s see'9 @e tried to think' @e remembered a picnic when Linda was in first or
second grade and a bee had chased her into the car# and how frightened she<d been' And he
remembered when Matt<s best friend was hit by a car# and how scared Matt had been that his
friend woud die'
81kay# so rub it in#9 Martha said' 87<m the weak one here'9
@e roed on his side facing her# sipped his arm under her and pued her to him' 87 :ust
can<t remember anything scary right now#9 he whispered' She meted into him# their faces cose#
her ips ighty touching his ear'
87t<s too hot#9 she whispered'
8Maybe a itte ater# when it coos offE9
/hey fe aseep hoding hands'
P P P
7t was neary eight when 2ete got home Monday night after deivering a truck fu of young
birch trees to an accountant who wanted to ine his drive with them' /he aroma of steak covered
with mushroom soup greeted him'
8@i# ,addy#9 Linda was sitting at the dining room tabe# a ebows and knees and arge#
brown eyes' She made him fee ike sunshine was pouring through an open window and he
patted her head on his way to the bathroom'
@e ached' Maybe he<d pued a back musceI maybe this deivery work was too much' )ut
as he spashed coo water on his face and neck# he fet revived'
8@ow<s Swiss steak and mashed potatoes soundE9 Martha asked# giving him a &uick kiss as
he headed for the tabe'
8-reat'9 @e cupped his daughter<s chin' 8@aven<t you eaten yet# sweetheartE9
8Hes# but 7<m doing a specia assignment for schoo and you have to hep me with it'9
Martha handed him a can of beer as he sat down' @e popped the tab' 84hat do 7 have to
doE9
87t<s for history' 4e have to write a paper about our persona famiy history by interviewing
our cosest ancestors' So# for me# that<s you and mom'9
@e ifted the beer to his ips# tasting its tartness# then eaned back and ga.ed at his daughter'
7n another year she<d be in coege' @e shook his head# smiing'
8So# ,addy#9 she picked up her pen' 87<ve aready interviewed Mom and now it<s your
turn'9
Martha set a pate of bread on the tabe' 8/en minutes and it< be ready#9 she said'
84here were you bornE9 Linda asked'
8,etroit'9
8And what did your father do for a ivingE9
8@e died when 7 was a baby'9 2ete pued a sice of white bread off the stack and began
spreading margarine on it' /he margarine didn<t spread easiy and the bread ended up with sma
hoes and yeow umps'
8)ut what did he do for a ivingE9
87<m not sure'9
8,idn<t you te me once he was a brick ayerE9 Martha<s voice came from the kitchen'
2ete twisted in his chair# took a mouthfu of bread# stared toward the kitchen' 87 think he did
that for a whie#9 he said'
81kay# 7< put down brick ayer'9 Linda wrote on the ined paper fiing the notebook in
front of her' 8And where did you go to schooE9
2ete<s chest tightened' 8@oney# no one cares about that sorta stuff' Ask me about my work'
Ask me how your mother and 7 met'9
8)ut# ,addy# this is important' 7t<s my history'9
87t<s boring'9 She resembed a parasite now# trying to bore in and suck out his ife'
Martha eaned around the corner' 8She has to do this for schoo# 2ete'9
@e finished off his beer and bread# feeing Linda<s eyes ike spikes through his chest' @e
coud not te her he<d funked out rather than finished high schoo' @e didn<t want to even think
about it# much ess share the shame' 87 moved around a ot' 4e were poor' 7 went to ots of
different schoos' !ow ask me something interesting ike how 7 met your mother'9
8So# how did you and Mama meetE9 Linda grinned' 87 aready got Mom<s version'9
Martha brought him another beer' @e caught her eye' 8Hou aready tod herE9
She winked and minced back into the kitchen'
87t was at a dance' /here were dances on =riday night down near )ronson 2ark' Some
buddies and 7 were there' And 7 saw your mother#9 2ete said# peased with the memory' 8She had
ong# back hair# cured under'9 @is hands moved awkwardy around his ears'
87t<s caed a page boy# ,addy#9 Linda said'
87t was onger than that'9
Linda wrote his words on the paper in front of her whie he drank his beer' She ooked up'
8AndE9
@e didn<t want to tak' @e :ust wanted to en:oy the beer and his memory' 8AndE9 Linda
nudged'
87 saw her' And her hair fowed out a itte and her eyes were so bright' 7 remember that'9
@e took another swig# pued off some of the bread with his teeth and didn<t bother to butter it#
:ust sat there eating and drinking and remembering' 8She was smiing and she had this one itte
dimpe on her eft cheek'9 @is finger touched his eft cheek' 8Hou ever notice that your mother
has ony one dimpeE9
@e started to chucke# staring at his beer' Linda aughed and he ooked up' 8Hou got it too#
Sweetie'9 @e pointed to her' 8Hou got your mother<s dimpe'9
8And the dimpe caught you# huhE9 Linda said'
87 took one ook at her and said to mysef# L/hat<s the gir 7<m going to marry'<9
Martha set a patter of steak and potatoes before him' /he steam rose about her as she turned
to him' 8Hou didn<t reay think that'9
8@e 7 didn<t'9 @e took her face in his hands and pued it down to his ips' =irst he kissed
her mouth# then he turned her head sighty and kissed her dimpe' 87t musta been the dimpe that
caught me# Mrs' )ishop'9 /heir eyes met# smies crinking the corners' /hen she headed back
into the kitchen'
8/hat<s not the way Mom tod me'9
8/hat<s the way it was'9 @e cut into his steak'
8So# ,addy# where did you go to schooE9
@e chewed on his steak# added a forkfu of potatoes# and stared at her' She coud change in
an instant from a itte gir into a viper' @e swaowed and said# 87 tod you'9
8!o you didn<t' And 7 need the information'9
@e took another mouthfu# chewing sowy# his heart pounding unti he was sure she coud
hear it' She had no right to ask'
8Come on# ,addy# 7 need this for cass'9
8Ask me something interesting'9
/ears fied her eyes' 8Hou never te me anything about your ife' 7<m si%teen and 7 don<t
even know where my own father went to schoo'9 @er voice rose to a wai' @e coud fee Martha
eaning around the corner of the kitchen# a soft ros and worried eyes' 87t<s worse than being
adopted' 7f you<re adopted at east you have an e%cuse for not knowing'9 She sammed her
notebook shut and ran up the stairs'
8Hou know a about me69 he shouted after her' 87 work seventy hours a week to pay for
your braces and music essons' 7 chauffeur you and your brother around'9 @e strode to the foot of
the stairs' 87 fi% the toiet when it backs up'9
82ease# 2ete'9 Martha tugged at his ebow' @e shook her arm away'
Linda burst out of her room# fire and ightning shooting from her eyes' 8My own father69
she screamed' 8My own father won<t te me anything'9
87 feed and cothe you#9 he shouted back' 8And as ong as you<re iving under my roof' ' ' ' 9
82ete# 2ease'9 Martha<s voice rose'
87<m your daughter' 7 have a right to know6 7 want to know' 7 want to know69 She sumped
into a sitting position on the top step' 8,addy# 7 :ust want to know about you# that<s a'9
8Hou know a you need to'9
87 want to know about you69 She pounded on the top of her egs with her ong# thin hands' 87
want to know about your chidhood69
8,id it ever occur to you that 7 might be trying to forgetE9 @e stormed out# samming the
screen door' At the porch<s edge he paused' 4hat coud he sayE 8Linda# my daughter# you have a
father cripped with imitations' @e funked 10th grade' @e stoe a car and went to :ai' @e
coudn<t even get accepted into the army'9 @is past made him cringe' Duvenie ha and county
:ai and a the other faiures' @is past was ittered with grief and oss'
@e foded up on the top step' Even if he did te# that woudn<t end it' !ot with Linda<s can0
opener mind'
4hy wasn<t the present enoughE 7t was more than he<d ever dreamed possibe for himsef "
a home# a famiy# a :ob he iked# and his two beautifu chidren heading for coege'
Moths and other insects beat against the porch ight' 7nside# the voices of his wife and
daughter rose' 8,on<t ever speak to your father with such disrespect' @e oves you very much'9
Linda<s voice was ow and muffed'
87 don<t know why he<s so secretive# but it<s his way#9 Martha said' 8Hou can write a good
paper with what he tod you'9
@e eaned forward# ebows on knees# and ran his fingers through his hair' /here<s :ust no
escape# he thought' /he past is aways here# right here in the present'
@e heard the screen door open and cose# and Martha sat down ne%t to him' 8She<s under a
ot of pressure with schoo#9 she said genty' Even in the hot night air her perfume soothed him'
She sid her arm around him and kissed his neck with deiberate kindness'
@e wanted to hod her# but he coudn<t' @e patted her knee# then eaned forward again#
fingers pressing against his scap# stomach churning' /he things you didn<t want to remember
keep bu..ing around the edges# he thought' And here his own daughter# his own fesh and bood#
was scratching at the borders' A mos&uito whined near his ear' @e swatted at it# reai.ing how
much his neck and shouders ached' 7sn<t what he is right here and now enoughE 7sn<t what he
does for them today and tomorrow# enoughE
Martha kissed him again and then got up and waked into the house' @e fet the sting of a
mos&uito reaching bood# and kied it with a swift sap' )ut he knew there woud be more if he
didn<t foow Martha back inside'
P P P
/hursday night 2ete made it home by five' Matt was watching an afternoon baseba game "
A<s and /iger<s " in the iving room' Linda was upstairs studying'
84here<s your motherE9 2ete asked as he sat down beside his son'
8Looking for a :ob'9
4hen the commercias came on# Matt went to the kitchen to make himsef a sandwich' 8Hou
want one# ,adE9 he caed'
8Heah' /hanks'9
Matt brought back two baoneys and a bag of potato chips' @e handed a sandwich to 2ete'
87s she doing this :ust so we can go to coegeE9
87 don<t know'9
87 mean# is this for us or does she want to get out and earn some of her own money or
whatE9
82robaby some of both'9
/hey watched in sience for a whie' /hen Matt said# 87 hope the /igers win' 7 want them to
win the pennant this year' At east once before 7 get out of high schoo# 7<d ike them to be
winners'9
Martha whisked in' 87 got a :ob69 she announced# a out of breath'
8-ood69 2ete and Matt said in unison'
She stood in the iving room doorway# waiting' 84e#9 she said as they continued to watch
/+' 8,on<t you want to know what 7<m going to be doing# who 7< work for# what 7<m getting
paid# when 7 start# what my hours areE9
2ete muted the sound# then ooked at her e%pectanty' Matt shouted# 8Linda# come down
here'9
84hatE9 came from upstairs'
Matt went to the foot of the stairway' 8Come down' Mom<s got a :ob' She wants to te us
about it'9
Linda bounded down the stairs' 8Hou got a :obE9
Martha nodded'
8,oing whatE9 Linda asked' 84ho<re you working forE 4hen do you startE9
Matt and 2ete ooked at each other and shook their heads ever so sighty'
87<m working part0time for ,r' MacCauay'9
81ur dentistE9 Linda s&ueaed' 8/hat<s great' @e<s great'9
Martha nodded' 87< be the morning receptionist' !o computer work# so 7 don<t have to go
to schoo' 7 :ust answer phones and check peope in when they come for their appointments'9
8Mom# that<s coo#9 Matt said# then turned back to the /+' 8@ow much is he paying youE9
87 start out at minimum wage'9
8Minimum wage69 )oth chidren moaned'
8Dust to start' 7f 7 do we# after three months 7< get a raise' 3emember# 7 haven<t worked for
neary twenty years'9
8)ut# Mom# minimum wageE9 Linda said with disappointment'
Martha<s eyebrows raised in two symmetrica arcs' 8And ,r' MacCauay is giving us a free
denta care' 7<d say that<s a pretty big advantage'9
2ete turned the sound back up' 8@oney# that<s great#9 he said'
8,id you a get something to eatE9 Martha asked'
8Matt and 7 did'9
87<m not eating supper'9 Linda headed back upstairs' 87 need to ose at east five pounds'9
8Hou don<t need to ose anything# young ady'9 Martha dropped her purse on the dining
room tabe and headed for the kitchen' 8/his is the time of ife that you need to be feeding your
system# not starving it'9
8Motherrrrrr# 7<m too heavy'9
87< fi% a ow0caorie vegetabe soup'9
2ete wandered into the kitchen to watch Martha work'
8=inding a :ob was easier than 7 thought it woud be#9 she said as she washed the ceery and
carrots and cabbage' 8And 7<m gad it<s mornings ony' 7 didn<t think 7 wanted to work fu
time'9
8!ot with me making deiveries and dropping in here one or two afternoons a week'9 @e
kissed the top of her head'
4hen she started dicing potatoes# he pued a beer from the fridge and drank it'
87s it okay with you if 7 workE Hou reay don<t mindE9
@e shook his head'
She sighed' 82ete# you aways say what you think 7 want to hear'9
8!o# 7 don<t'9
87 think you do'9
@e shrugged'
84i there be enough soup for meE9 Matt waked in# wadding up his empty potato chip bag
and depositing it in the garbage sack under the sink'
81f course'9 Martha began chopping up an onion'
Matt eaned back against the sink# arms crossed# and watched his mother for a moment'
/hen he said to 2ete# 87<m starting to ike the 4hite So% more'9
2ete nodded' 8/hey<ve been good in the past'9 @e and Matt stood# amost the same height#
watching Martha# thinking about baseba'
8@ow ong before we eatE9 Matt asked as she stirred the vegetabes into her broth'
8=orty minutes'9
87< be back'9 @e headed for the stairs'
8@oney#9 Martha said to 2ete# 8wi you ook in the fridge and see if there<s any roast eftE
7< sice it up' Looks ike we<re having a famiy supper'9
@e found the beef wrapped in Saran'
81h# and how about tomatoes' 7 think fresh siced tomatoes sound good'9
@e pued two beefsteak tomatoes from the vegetabe bin' She took the meat and asked#
84i you wash thoseE9
/he cod tap water running over his hands and the smooth tomato skins fet good' @e rinsed
and rinsed the tomatoes# turning them under the water<s fow# thinking of nothing# :ust etting the
water soothe and rea% him'
8@ere# ,addy# 7< sice them'9 Linda had come up beside him# and now reached over and
turned off the water' She carried the tomatoes to the cutting board on the kitchen counter' @e
eaned against the refrigerator and swatted at a gnat'
8Dust for your information# 7 got a ) on my paper'9
8/hat<s a good grade#9 he said'
8Coud<ve been better'9 She ooked at him sharpy# a her features accusing'
@er ook# and the way she &uicky dispatched the tomatoes reminded him of a teacher he<d
had in eementary schoo " Mrs' Corbett# ta and bony# her face :utting with frowns' @e<d had
nightmares about her# but now for some reason# he found her memory and its connection with his
daughter# comica' @e aughed out oud'
8Hou think it<s funny that 7 didn<t get a better gradeE9 Linda snapped'
@e shook his head# sti smiing' 8!o# Sweetie' 7 was :ust thinking about a teacher 7 had' 1d#
bony Mrs' Corbett' She was my second grade teacher' She used to te me that 7<d come to no
good' She<d say# L2ete )ishop# you< come to no good# you itte asshoe'<9
82ete69 Martha gasped from her pace at the stove'
L,addy69 Linda grinned# eyes snapping' 8!o teacher taks to a itte kid ike that'9
Chucking# he said# 87 used to beieve her' )ut :ust now# watching you sice those tomatoes# 7
know she was wrong and that<s why 7 aughed'9
8@ow<s it comingE9 Matt wandered in' 8Smes great'9
84on<t be ong now#9 Martha said'
Linda rinsed off her knife then noticed a bow of overy ripe fruit " bananas# grapefruit#
appes " sitting at one end of the counter' 8Mom# why<s this fruit sti hereE 7t<s rotten' !o
wonder we<ve got gnats in the kitchen'9 She reached for the bow'
87< dump it#9 2ete said' 8Hou and your brother set the tabe'9
4aking outside# he poured the sicky sweet fruit with its attendant coud of gnats into the
garbage can and fet eated'
8Corbett said 7<d come to no good' Maybe she meant 7<d come to 2no, good'9 @e aughed at
the idea and his aughter fet ike waves after a speedboat<s passed a swimmer " fu and strong
and buoyant'
7n bed that night with 2ete amost drifting off to seep# Martha said# 87<m reay e%cited
about working' 7 ike the other peope in the office' /he denta assistant<s a nice gir' 7<d ike to
introduce her to Linda'9
She turned on her side# facing him' 82ete# have you been disappointed in me because 7 didn<t
work a these years and you had to work so hardE Most men<s wives contribute to the famiy
income'9
87 iked you here at home#9 he said' 8/he chidren needed you here'9
8So# woud you rather 7 didn<t take this :obE9
2ete sighed' 8Martha#9 he said softy# turning toward her' 87 want you to do what you want
to do' 7<ve iked you at home' 7<m sure 7< ike it if you work for ,r' MacCauay'9
8,o you think the chidren wi respect me moreE9
8/hey respect you :ust fine right now'9
8)ut wi they respect me moreE9
87 don<t know'9
81h# 2ete you aways say that' Hou never open up and share' A these years and 7 sti know
ne%t to nothing about your past' 7<ve tod you everything about me' Hou<ve met my brothers and
sisters# my parents' Hou<ve seen the house 7 grew up in# the schoos 7 went to'9
A disappointed sience sid between them' After severa minutes# she whispered# 87<ve tod
you everything# and you<ve shared very itte with me and the chidren' ,o you know how that
feesE9 @er voice broke and 2ete fet a sharp# famiiar pain'
@e turned back and stared at the ceiing' 4hat she wanted was impossibe and the
impossibiity twisted painfuy in his chest' @e sighed' @e<d made two important decisions in his
ife' 1ne was to marry Martha' /he other was to keep &uiet about his past' Most everything ese
happened because of forces beyond his contro# but those two choices# those decisions were his'
@e was proud of them and he<d stand by them Lti he died'
Het# disappointing Martha hurt' 7f he coud have been as open as she wanted# he woud have#
but he coudn<t' 7f his history hed good memories maybe he<d be abe to 8share9 as she said' )ut
he woud not be one of the whiners aways regretting what they didn<t have as kids# aways
griping about how unfair their ives had been' Long ago he<d fought against the pressure of his
ghosts# wrapped up his osses and put them away' @e wasn<t about to bring them out now and
start passing them around'
@e<d come to terms with Martha<s disappointment in him' She hadn<t but he had' @e figured
she had Linda# who was :ust as open and verba as Martha' And he<d tried a itte harder in recent
years to voice his opinion' @e<d even searched for memories to share that woudn<t bring the
nightmares back'
@e sipped his arms around her' 87 remembered a time when 7 was reay scared'9
8Hou didE9
8Heah' 7 thought about it the other day when this gir who was 2- came in to buy a =icus for
the nursery' She said she was taking casses with her husband and they were going to have their
baby by the natura method'9
84hat did that make you rememberE9 Martha asked'
84hen you went into abor with Linda'9 @is voice tightened'
81h# yes#9 she chucked softy' 87 didn<t think we<d get to the hospita in time'9
87 was afraid# reay afraid that you<d die#9 2ete whispered'
She rose up on one ebow' 8Hou wereE9
8Hou were in such pain' And you coudn<t breathe' And when they took you into the
deivery room 7 :ust knew you were going to die and 7<d never been so afraid in my ife'9
81h# 2ete#9 she reached out# her fingers tracing his hairine and the side of his face' 8Hou
never tod me'9 @er voice fied ike a swoen river'
87 know' 7 forgot once Linda was here#9 he said' 83emember how perfect her tiny fingers
were# and those itte fingernaisE9
8And how she<d cing'9
2ete chucked' 8Strong itte kid for a gir'9
/hey started to augh softy together'
84ere you frightened when Matt cameE9
8!ah' 7 knew what to e%pect by then'9
8@e was sure fat compared to Linda'9
8And oud'9
Martha nodded in the dark' 8)ut perfect in every way'9
84e :ust have to admit it# Mama# we make great babies'9 @e sipped his hands between her
nightgown and her back# and pued her to him# touching his ips to the skin :ust beow her ear'
@e fet her ips# ike vevet# on his cheek# his neck'
/hey nested# drifting near seep# then sowy opening their eyes# touching one another with
ips or fingertips# then drifting again' Dust before giving in to seep# he whispered# 87 ove you#
Martha#9 and heard her echo# 87 ove you too'9
/o return to the Story 2reviews# cick on the itte heart above'
About /he Author
Sunny Lockwood has worked as a maga.ine editor# weeky newspaper editor# daiy newspaper
reporter and a newspaper coumnist' @er artices and stories have won awards from the
Caifornia !ewspaper 2ubishers Association# the !ationa =ederation of 2ress 4omen# and
!orthern Caifornia 2ress 4omen'
3ead more of her work at her website5
http5$$sunnyockwood'com$
1r her bog# 81nword#9 at5
http5$$bit'y$ETb4b
1r at her Scribd profie page5
http5$$scribd'com$uddite
)efriend her on =acebook5
http5$$bit'y$sunnyockwood
=oow her on /witter5
http5$$twitter'com$U6$sunnyockwood
Fbut she admits she doesn<t tweet muchG
She and her husband ive in !orthern Caifornia' Among other things# he is a widfower
photographer' See his work at5
http5$$mossboomstudio'com
3eader>s -uide
@ere are a few &uestions to guide a readers< group discussion# or to encourage you to think more
deepy about the stories presented in this book'
1' 4hich story did you ike mostE 4hyE
2' 4as there more to the story than simpy entertainment Fthe peasure of the readGE 7f so# what
was that more and did it grow beievaby from the situation and$or the charactersE
?' 4ere the characters beievabeE
A' 4as the story understandabe# or did you find yoursef confused at some pointE
B' 4hat themes# in addition to ove# are deat with in these storiesE
C' @ow was each story structured Ffrom whose point of view was it todEG @ow woud it have
been different if another character had been teing itE
Q' @ow do the stories differ from one anotherE And how are they aikeE
R' 7n each story# did you find a moment when you understood why the main character acted as
she$he didE 4hat were those momentsE ,o they resonate with your own ifeE
O' Compare these stories to others you<ve read'
UUU