DRIVING IN INDIA - HILARIOUS

This hilarious article was written by an Architect from Baan, Netherlands who spent two years in
Hyderabad.
For the benefit of every Tom, Dick and Harry visitin !ndia and darin to drive on !ndian roads, !
am offerin a few hints for survival. They are applicable to every place in !ndia e"cept Bihar,
where life outside a vehicle is only marinally safer.
!ndian road rules broadly operate within the domain of karma where you do your best, and leave
the results to your insurance company. The hints are as follows#
Do we drive on the left or riht of the road$
The answer is %both%. Basically you start on the left of the road, unless it is occupied. !n that
case, o to the riht, unless that is also occupied. Then proceed by occupyin the ne"t available
ap, as in chess. &ust trust your instincts, ascertain the direction, and proceed. Adherence to road
rules leads to much misery and occasional fatality. 'ost drivers don(t drive, but )ust aim their
vehicles in the intended direction. Don(t you et discouraed or underestimate yourself e"cept for
a belief in reincarnation, the other drivers are not in any better position.
Don(t stop at pedestrian crossins )ust because some fool wants to cross the road. *ou may do so
only if you en)oy bein bumped in the back. +edestrians have been strictly instructed to cross
only when traffic is movin slowly or has come to a dead stop because some minister is in town.
,till some idiot may try to wade across, but then, let us not talk ill of the dead.
Blowin your horn is not a sin of protest as in some countries. -e horn to e"press )oy,
resentment, frustration, romance and bare lust .two brisk blasts/, or, )ust mobili0e a do0in cow
in the middle of the ba0aar.
1eep informative books in the love compartment. *ou may read them durin traffic )ams, while
awaitin the chief minister(s motorcade, or waitin for the rainwaters to recede when over
round traffic meets underround drainae.
2ccasionally you miht see what looks like a 3F2 with blinkin colored lihts and weird sounds
emanatin from within. This is an illuminated bus, full of happy pilrims sinin bha)ans. These
pilrims o at breakneck speed, seekin contact with the Almihty,
often meetin with success.
Auto 4ickshaw .Baby Ta"i/# The result of a collision between a rickshaw and an automobile, this
three5wheeled vehicle works on an e"ternal combustion enine that runs on a mi"ture of
kerosene oil and creosote. This trianular vehicle carries iron rods, as cylinders or passeners
three times its weiht and dimension, at an unspecified fare. After careful eometric calculations,
children are folded and packed into these auto rickshaws until some children in the periphery are
not in contact with the vehicle at all. Then their school bas are pushed into the microscopic aps
all round so those minor collisions with other vehicles on the road cause no permanent damae.
2f course, the peripheral children are chared half the fare and also learn Newton(s laws of
motion en route to school. Auto5rickshaw drivers follow the road rules depicted in the film Ben
Hur, and are licensed to irritate.
'opeds# The moped looks like an oil tin on wheels and makes noise like an electric shaver. !t
runs 67 miles on a teaspoon of petrol and travels at break5bottom speed. As the sides of the road
are too rouh for a ride, the moped drivers tend to drive in the middle of the road8 they would
rather drive under heavier vehicles instead of around them and are often %mopped% off the
tarmac.
9eanin Tower of +asses# 'ost bus passeners are iven free passes and durin rush hours, there
is absolute mayhem. There are passeners hanin off other passeners, who in turn han off the
railins and the overloaded bus leans danerously, defyin laws of ravity but obeyin laws of
surface tension. As drivers et paid for overload .so many 4upees per k of passener/, no
:uestions are ever asked. ,teer clear of these buses by a width of three passeners.
2ne5way ,treet# These boards are put up by traffic people to add )est in their otherwise drab
lives. Don(t stick to the literal meanin and proceed in one direction. !n metaphysical terms, it
means that you cannot proceed in two directions at once. ,o drive, as you like, in reverse
throuhout, if you are the fussy type. 9east ! sound hypercritical8 ! must add a positive point also.
4ash and fast drivin in residential areas has been prevented by providin a %speed breaker%8 two
for each house.
This mound, incidentally, covers the water and drainae pipes for that residence and is left
untarred for easy identification by the corporation authorities, should they want to recover the
pipe for year5end accountin.
Niht drivin on !ndian roads can be an e"hilaratin e"perience .for those with the mental
makeup of ;henhis 1han/. !n a way, it is like playin 4ussian roulette, because you do not
know who amonst the drivers is loaded. -hat looks like premature dawn on the hori0on turns
out to be a truck attemptin a speed record. 2n encounterin it, )ust pull partly into the field
ad)oinin the road until the phenomenon passes. 2ur roads do not have shoulders, but occasional
boulders. Do not blink your lihts e"pectin reciprocation. The only dim thin in the truck is the
driver, and with the pe of illicit arrack .alcohol/ he has had at the last stop, his total cerebral
functions add up to little more than a nauht. Truck drivers are the &ames Bonds of !ndia, and are
licensed to kill. 2ften you may encounter a sinle powerful beam of liht about si" feet above
the round. This is not a super motorbike, but a truck approachin you with a sinle liht on,
usually the left one. !t could be the riht one, but never et too close to investiate. *ou may
prove your point posthumously. 2f course, all this occurs at niht, on the trunk roads. Durin the
daytime, trucks are more visible, e"cept that the drivers will never show any ,inal. .And you
must watch for the absent sinals8 they are the reater threat/. 2nly, you will often observe that
the cleaner who sits ne"t to the driver, will pro)ect his hand and wave hysterically.
This is definitely not to be construed as a sinal for a left turn. The wavin is )ust a statement of
physical relief on a hot day.
!f, after all this, you still want to drive in !ndia, have your lessons between < pm and == am5when
the police have one home and The citi0en is then free to en)oy the (F4>>D2' 2F ,+>>D(
enshrined in our constitution.
Havin said all this, isn(t it true that the accident rate and related deaths are less in !ndia
compared to 3, or other countries??$ $