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TT Le 2007 An Online Dating Adventure with a Divine Ending

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An Online Dating
Adventure with
a Divine Ending


TT Le
2007
TT Le 2007 An Online Dating Adventure with a Divine Ending

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TT Le 2007 An Online Dating Adventure with a Divine Ending

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To Annie, wherever you are
TT Le 2007 An Online Dating Adventure with a Divine Ending

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TABLE OF CONTENTS

Prologue.............................................................................................................................. 5
The high points of my life .................................................................................................. 7
The Spur of the Moment .................................................................................................. 10
Day One The Adventure Begins ................................................................................... 15
Really getting to know each other.................................................................................... 27
Is this fate?........................................................................................................................ 37
Reaching the Climax........................................................................................................ 45
Nearing the end ................................................................................................................ 52
Our last correspondences................................................................................................. 62
Epilogue: Arriving at my way station............................................................................. 70
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Prologue

My name is Thanh-Tam Le. I am a first generation Vietnamese-American who came to the
United States in 1978, shortly after the fall of Saigon. I was born in 1967, the year of the Goat,
one year before the infamous Tet Offensive that changed the course of the American policy in
South East Asia and ended up changing the lives of so many Vietnamese and Americans alike.
We came to the US with a couple of suitcases full of stuff, old clothing, books, mementos.
Nothing of any material values. Just memories that we cherished. Those were packed in the
hurry when we left Vietnam on a boat but turned out to be the most valuable things we could
have brought with us, in hindsight. We settled in Virginia, the family of five cramped into a 3-
bedroom apartment in the Arlington suburb of Washington DC. We were lucky, all my family
were together. Mom and Dad, two sisters and myself. We were happy that we were together as
a family. Dad took two jobs working around the clock. We took on menial jobs while going to
school. In thinking back life was easy, uneventful, relatively to the turmoils surrounding the
collapse of South Vietnam and the ordeals many of us had gone through to reach the shores of
safe havens around the world.
This is a fictionalized version of my story. Names and places have been altered to protect the
privacy of the real people involved in this adventure of mine. Any specific details should not be
linked to any person with similar names or circumstances. In fact it is probably better to see it as
a work of fiction, as while some of the events told actually took place, the specific circumstances
and chronological orders had been changed for personal reasons.
I've always known that the essence of life is unpredictability.
Who would have thought we came to this country and settled here permanently? I was twelve
when I left Vietnam. Every step and turn since has been a sequence of unpredictabilities, full of
surprises, happiness and sorrow. All in all, I can't complain. Life's been good and I've been
blessed with the opportunities of this new land. No one should complain living in the USA if
one had seen how hard it is to live in other parts of the world.
For the most part, we'd lived snugly within the cocoon of the Vietnamese community in the
greater Washington DC area. The community was merely a loose collections of disparage and
eclectic groups supported by the Vietnamese shopping centers in Arlington and others scattered
around the area. The groups were operated by spirited individuals who volunteered their own
time and money to keep these enterprises going. In thinking back I must admire these individual
efforts. No Americans would operate anything like that using their personal money, and just for
the love of their own identity and homeland.
My life has been blessed. I am somewhat of an introvert and an emotional, obsessive person.
While my dad worked and my mom packed our lunches for us, we managed to get ourselves into
college through financial aid packages for Vietnamese refugee families. We got scholarships to
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go to the Catholic University in Washington DC. It's a small place but relatively peaceful for me
to go through four years of study.
I had my share of religion classes as a requirement for graduation. My family is non-practicing
Buddhist and religion was never a big thing. I aced all my religion courses, from the Far East to
Near East traditions, to Judaism and Christianity. I knew a lot of details about various religions,
but the downside of this approach to comparative study is that it puts all religions on a same
playing field and I havenever developed any faith in God. Deep down in my heart I've always
believed in a Greater Being that influences us all, but at a more personal and spiritual level. I've
never prayed and asked for anything from God. I guess I was never desperate enough to seek
religion.
I graduated from college and had the opportunity to go to a rather prestigious institution in
Princeton NJ to pursue my Ph.D. in Physics. That's when the unpredictability of life manifest
itself and changed my life forever. Those years there left permanent scars on my psyche which
never healed. In thinking back, it is still a fuzzy mess. I didn't really know what had happened as
events unfolded too quickly. To this day, I still suffer.
But if it were not for the spur of the moment which took me on this life-changing adventure I was
about to tell, I would have been still in the semi-permanent state of damage that I had been in for
so many years.
The essence of life is unpredictability. And to Annie, wherever she is, bless her heart.
Unwittingly, she is the coauthor of this short novel. Our "love story" was short-lived and
happened in cyberspace, thanks to the internet. She came into my life like a flash and
disappeared completely. All that's left are her words and my spiritual transformation that came
with them.
Since her disappearance from my online world, I have been checking my email on a daily basis,
still holding out some hope that she would come back one day. I have been reading our
correspondences over and over again, but the longing in my heart did not subside. So I thought
to myself why not put together a story to trace back the events that unfolded in the last few
weeks, blossoming into this love affair of mine, only to wither away quickly under the harsh light
of reality. It pained me as I was writing this, but at least that's still a kind of pain that I would
enjoy suffering, much preferred to the longing of an empty heart.

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The high points of my life

So you may ask: What does a 40-year old divorced guy do for fun besides working? Working is
definitely fun. I've not seen any other country where people enjoyed working so much.
Everything in the American society has been engineered with careful thoughts to support a
working life, from the tax code to eating, drinking, sleeping/waking hours, to holidays, shopping,
etc.
Back in Vietnam, life was designed so people could live leisurely. I guess it was the influences
from the French Colonial period that instilled in the Vietnamese the capacity to enjoy life and
make do with what they have. From what I could recall, I used to have so much fun and joy
when I was a kid in Vietnam, everything from food to school to friends and relatives, they were
all pleasant memories.
Americans work hard, but also play hard, real hard. Sports, shopping, sex. Those are the
biggies. Life moves at a fast pace. Even the slowest place in America is faster than the majority
of the world. So if you don't join in with the habit, you're shot. I like to work hard. I studied
hard and I learned the habit of being very serious about work from living here. That part is
good. Unfortunately I don't play hard the way Americans do. The only sport I know and love is
badminton. The one I watch is soccer which I used to call football when I first came to this
country. But then I started to like football a lot when my first girlfriend made me watch the
Redskins beating up everyone else to get to three Superbowl titles. Those were the heady days of
the Redskins, and my interests dropped off quickly when I moved to Princeton, and the New
England Patriots weren't a strong team then.
OK, shopping. Well, shop until you drop is a dangerous habit that takes little time to develop.
And once you are hooked, you are dead. Luckily I am an Asian man, and Asian men don't do
much shopping anyway. I would plan my escape route if I ever tried to buy anything from a
shopping mall. I would be in there and disappear before you know it. Nowadays, Costco takes
care of all my needs and it's addictive. I guess Costco captures the essence of life: every
shopping trip to Costco is full of surprises, but also leaves a hole in my not so deep pocket. I
ended up with a lot of unused supplies around my cramped place in St Michaels, Maryland.
About sex. Still a forbidding word in the Vietnamese culture. We don't talk about it, not in
public, especially not in front the of the ladies and old people. We can't talk about it in front of
kids, can't talk about it in front of our wives. Maybe among a couple of male friends after a few
beers. The only time one can really talk about sex is with a Vietnamese girlfriend who has
gotten past the shy stage, and she is about to get married or engaged (to you). Talking about sex
at this crucial juncture is to induce her into action, with some degrees of success.
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So it was tough for me. Twenty years ago there were no internet, no on-line porns or sex advice.
At 20, my parents would tell me what to do and I would do it. None of this sex nonsense. Never
got mentioned anywhere near our house. I knew nothing about sex during my college years at
Catholic University. Back then the sexual attitude in America was still relatively benign.
People were eager but still not blatantly overtly sexual as today's young adults. Must have been
the influences of MTV and the Internet.
So really, I've never had my share of sexual adventures the way kids are going through during
their college (or highschool) years these days. Besides I was born and raised as an Asian and
many of these things were strictly forbidden. But ...
Once I escaped to graduate school, it was different story. By the way, I am now living in St.
Michaels, MD, a beautiful resort town south east of Baltimore. I work close to Annapolis, so my
commute is horrendous, crossing the Route 50 bridge daily. You may ask: what the heck is a 40-
year old divorced Asian guy doing living at a tourist town out of the way like St. Michaels? A
couple of years ago I read a novel from one of my favorite authors John Grisham and learned
about St. Michaels. A conflicted tormented lawyer went to St. Michaels to help a priest renovate
his church and along the way had his own religious moment of transformation.
More on this later about why I became interested in religion.
I met my wife when I was in grad school at Princeton. She was a grad student in the Chinese Lit
Program. Quite a stunning beauty, shockingly beautiful. I'd never met any Vietnamese girl as
beautiful as she was (and I hope still is). Silky smooth skin, dark hair, large eyes, chiseled
features and a pair of pursed lips that looked like a mysterious Mona Lisa smile. Her eyes were
the most prominent feature; they were so completely clear as a bottomless pit. One deep look
into them and I fell inside, completely lost, totally mesmerized.
Plus her family came from the North of Vietnam and she had a classy Vietnamese accent. In
Vietnam the geographical division into three regions of North (Bac), Central (Trung) and South
(Nam) that was imposed during the French Colonial period still permeates the Vietnamese
consciousness till today, ironically since we were no longer in Vietnam. But still. The Bac Viet
people who migrated to the South during the Geneva Accord of 1954 have always had a superior
attitude, as Ha Noi was the old capitol of Vietnam for thousands of years before it moved to Hue
in the Central region. Ha Noi was known as the "land of thousand years of cultural heritage" (xu
nghin nam van vat), so it's no wonder people there felt superior. It's like the Yankee WASP
upbringing vs. the rest of the continent, looking down especially on the South.
Everything about her was beautiful. Her face, her body, her voice, her accent, and her name,
Bach Nga (White Swan). Despite the fact that she cussed a lot (which completely flustered me
as I was not used to such a jarring juxtaposition of beauty and crudity), I was immediately head
over heels with her. For some reason I had always been attracted to domineering tomboys, and
she was the perfect specimen. She wore spunky short and sassy hair almost shoulder length but
unevenly coiffed.
We met at one of the Vietnamese Students Assoc (VSA) parties. I was lucky as I was one of the
few Vietnamese grad students there. She came to the US as a child. Her father was a professor
in Oregon even before the Fall of South Vietnam. She wanted a Vietnamese boyfriend as she
had dated Americans all her college life. Plus our families knew each other.
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Despite of all these incumbent advantages, you may wonder what kind of a person I was to be so
lucky.
I was a medium built Vietnamese guy, not particularly tall by American standards, but most
Vietnamese women were around 5'3. My facial features were average but I had a boyish
looking face with a permanent mischievous smile. I was introverted and a little shy in public, but
I did have my ways with the ladies. I could tell seemingly normal stories with a straight-face and
added my own off-the-wall twists and many Vietnamese girls found them particularly funny and
fascinating. Not that I was sophisticated or one of these knights in shining armors on white
horses. Au contraire. I was a simple and strait-laced kind of a guy. I spent a lot of hours on
my study. I knew little about women and life. I was somewhat backward as a matter of fact.
There is a Vietnamese saying "the blind cat gets the fried fish" (meo mu vo ca ran) that quite
appropriately described my situation then. I was at the right place at the right time. Plus her
tomboyish behavior made it easy for me to approach her. I cracked my off-the-wall one-liners
and she was on the floor laughing her head off. It got easier once the going got started, I was
running out of jokes and was scraping the bottom of the barrel for pathetic Physics jokes like
"Why is the black hole black?" and she just could not stop cracking up.
Wow, that was quite an impression I made on her.
Those were the high points of my life, the heady happy times. We dated for a year, marriage
shortly afterwards. I was so overwhelmed with her I could not concentrate on my study and
decided to go to work with a Master's Degree in Physics (which amounted to nothing other than a
proof that one didn't make the grade into the world of Physics).
That was ten years ago when I first met her, and seven years from our painful divorce. The
union lasted three short years. Happy times were followed by betrayal and heartaches. I guess
the Heavens know better to correct their mistakes and punished me for being the happy go lucky
guy who landed the grand prize he didn't deserve.
I left Princeton shortly after the divorce and ended up in Austin for two years, then the Silicon
Valley for an additional six years and finally back to the East Coast in St Michaels, the place I
call home for the time being. Why I moved around so much, I don't know. Perhaps running
away from the ghosts of the past, the painful memories of a dream too fantastic to ever exist in
my simple life.
I've been here over a year now. Following the footsteps of Grisham's protagonist, I settled here
in search of my peace of mind. I am not religious, I don't go to church, but the place has its
unique beauty and peacefulness. Watching the young lovers, the families with kids walking
around town during weekends is one of my most pleasurable pastimes. That brought warmth to
my otherwise uneventful and dreary existence.

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The Spur of the Moment

Lately I have been addicted to Korean TV series. They are so popular all over Asia and are
making their way to the US through the Internet. The so-called Hallyu (the Korean Wave) is
spreading quickly through words of mouth. Many online groups exist on the internet and you
could practically watch the latest Korean TV dramas for free if you have a decent internet
connection. Mind you, these are all legitimate channels of distribution provided by legions of
enthusiastic Korean movies fans who spent endless hours of their own time to translate to English
these TV series.
The Korean series are simply amazing. While the plots are pretty much the same with some
minor variations, they always involve a love triangle with beautiful actors and actresses. Most of
the stories have happy endings, with the heroes and heroines doing selfless acts to achieve their
love. None of the over-dramatized tearjerkers of the past from the Asian movies industry. The
modern love stories are solid with rational determined men and women who know what they
want and courageously set out to win the hearts of their love interests, through patience,
endurance and principled acts of selflessness. Along the way these movies won the hearts of
millions of viewers throughout Asia and around the world. They are becoming very popular
among the young Asian American population, as well as Asian adults and families, myself
included!
So besides spending a lot of time at work, I divided the rest of my spare time among
TaeKwonDo classes, visits to my mother and family gatherings, and watching Korean TV
dramas. I don't make it a habit to broadcast my somewhat unusual pastime of watching Korean
dramas, as they have been likened to US TV soap operas. While this is fundamentally a
misconception, it is hard to correct the fact and defend yourself if you are branded a soap junky,
especially for a 40-year old guy. At friends and family gatherings I droned on endlessly about the
Korean series, the stars, the stories, how wonderful the musical scores were and so forth. After a
while my sisters and friends were practically tuned out. My mother still showed some interests
as she had been following the Vietnamese dubbed versions on Saigon TV broadcast.
Lately I have been very happy and content watching these series on a weekly, if not almost daily,
basis. I was practically addicted to them. The more I watched the better I felt. The same story
line was being pounded into my head, being that of a straightforward morality play: all's well that
ends well. So, go on suffering, enduring and thou shalt be saved in the end. There is no need to
argue, no need to defend oneself, no need to correct misunderstandings and malicious rumors,
just be courageous and stick to your principles. In the end you shall be reckoned. I loved it. It
strengthened my courage, my love for life, and it woke up my long dormant heart.
Recently I had my sudden epiphany about why many American Christians think the way they do.
Nowadays my religion is Korean movies. They made me so happy and surround me with a
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stable framework to view life, they made me confident and believing in life again. So I wanted
to share my happiness. I have been preaching Korean movies to every acquaintance I've come
across, even spending my time and money to make DVD duplicates and sending to friends around
the country. I feel like I am a preacher spreading the new gospel of happiness. Some may see
this as creating an addiction just like a crack dealer. No matter, as long as there are people who
like them and appreciate them, this might have been the most benign form of addiction known to
mankind.
I had been smiling more, talking more. Even my neighbors, family and relatives began to notice
the changes in me. I told them one lesson I've learned from watching these series is the act of
simple kindness. It's not the big things that people need done for them, it's the little consideration
and care one shows that are the most treasured. My sister agreed whole heartedly, being an avid
follower of the teachings of the Dalai Lama.
So here I was, confident, happy, relaxed and ready to face life again
I belonged to an online mailing list of Vietnamese married couples in the Greater Washington
area and we often exchanged funny stories, child rearing and cooking tips, interesting
information related to Vietnam and the communities overseas. We shared stories of the happy
times when we were young in Vietnam. Oh those were so precious, especially for a childless
wifeless guy like me who got the opportunity to have a sneak peek into others' family lives.
One day, I was typing a message using Google gmail. Come to think of it, it's pretty scary that
Google gmail was smart enough to figure out what was being typed and inserted the appropriate
ad banners on the sidebar relevant to the keywords found in the messages. What caught my eyes
was Vietnamese Online Dating for Singles and Overseas Vietnamese. In the spur of the moment,
I clicked and followed a couple of links to a website called VietnameseDating.com. The tour was
simple and straightforward and I saw countless portrait photos of young women in Vietnam,
some of them were outstandingly pretty. I've always known that on the average, Vietnamese
women are probably among the prettiest in Asia. If you go to a Vietnamese crowd, a market
place or a restaurant, chances are you will run into some really good looking Vietnamese women.
So we are blessed!
From where I stood, I was at the disadvantage being a 40-year-old Vietnamese divorcee. The
young Vietnamese women are mostly unreachable for me, being young and beautiful and
practically American. There are little traces of the Vietnamese culture that I am familiar with in
most of them that I've come across. Besides it's often being frowned upon for a middle aged man
to date a much younger person. It's not simply just cradle robbing but practically unethical for a
Vietnamese to marry someone almost half his age. I wouldn't be able to take her anywhere
without being the topic of idle conversation. The older group of Vietnamese women in their 30s
are either married or too focused on their career or family to be bothered. And then there are the
divorced women who don't show up often in public. The yet even older divorced women are
quite often saddled with children and have little interest in dating at all, given the social stigmas
that still surround divorced Asian women.
So I thought to myself isn't this a sign from heaven that, being the shape that I am in today, I am
staring at these pretty Vietnamese women who could speak the language and don't mind marrying
a guy 20 years their senior? Wow. The timing could not have been any better than this.
So I hastily put together a profile and posted online for free. The profile read as follows:
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Name: Tam
In your own words: Intelligent educated person with a sense of humor looking for
penpal/soulmate. Though I am 40 I look much younger and have a young outlook in life
Nationality: American
Height: 5'6
Weight: 145 lbs
Appearance: Attractive
Age: 40
Year born: Goat
Horoscope: Aquarius
Ethnicity: Asian
Religion: None
Marital Status: Divorced
Education: Masters Degree
Occupation: Engineer
Languages spoken: Vietnamese, English, French, Japanese
English ability: fluent
Vietnamese ability: fluent
Smoking: No
Drinking: Occasionally
Seeking: cute smart fun loving Vietnamese women for penpal, friend, relationship or
marriage
That didn't take long. I really had no expectation and was not planning to fly to Vietnam to meet
any young women any time soon. I was bored and was looking for something fun to do. I even
went on line and searched for a picture of a young Korean guy with some resemblance to me and
added that to my profile. I haven't taken picture for a long time and didn't have any handy.
Never had any need for them for some time now. In fact the only word in my profile that I really
had thought seriously was soul mate. Soul mate, that's exactly what I have been yearning for
years now. Someone nice and understanding that I could talk to and have fun with. Nothing else
was required.
Within hours, my online account were filled with responses from dozens of Vietnamese women
and girls. Unfortunately most didn't come anywhere close to the photos I had seen during my
tour. Worst yet over half did not provide any photos at all. Off those went. Good riddance.
The emails kept coming and I was able to sort out a few interesting leads, mostly recent college
graduates with a job and reasonably good English skills. Some even had decent photos
included. Then there was a 20 year old college student, 5'5 that looked like a model. Could this
be real? I wondered to myself. Where were all the young beautiful ones that I saw during my
first tour? Probably all taken, or faked photos of Korean movie stars inserted to attract
unsuspecting web surfers looking for love on line. I'd been warned about online frauds and
horror stories of Vietnamese American men who went to Vietnam in search of brides, only to be
taken to the cleaner (literally), without anything left to go back home, not even a shirt on his back
or a passport to get back to the States.
Oh well, it'd been a waste of time but it didn't cost me anything. So at least now I know that's an
online scam. But then two interesting leads came up: Celina Nguyen 36 from San Diego, and
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Tracie Bui 28 from Salt Lake City. 28? That's almost the same age as my sister's eldest son.
Wow! So I got online and had a couple of email exchanges with Celina Nguyen, who quickly
confessed that she was from Queens, NY and had put her profile on line due to the urging of a
girl friend who had some success with her own venture. She said she would never put her
picture online and was clearly concerned about scams and weirdos on the internet. I quickly
assured her that I was in the same boat, and would not know what to do on line talking to her like
this. We had a few awkward emails and I never heard from her again. Another lead went
nowhere.
Then Tracie Bui looked interesting. She did not look Vietnamese at all, and living in Salt Lake
City, the land of the Mormons. I contacted her through email and learned that she had a
Vietnamese husband who was a musician and studied at the biggest university in town (U of
Utah). She even went to Vietnam and lived there for several years while he pursued his study in
the States. She had two children with him but he left her for a Vietnamese woman while she was
in Vietnam. Talking about irony and trading places! Shouldn't she have been a Vietnamese
woman and he an American?
She was now taking care of two young cute mixed race kids. Poor woman. She looked happy
and content given her predicament. I told her I was divorced and I was not looking for marriage
any time soon. And that her children were adorable and she was a courageous person to take on
such the difficult task of rearing two children, at the same time going to college to study
psychology and still had the time to look for love and relationship on line. I told her I'd never
dated an American woman before and was quite curious to find out about her situation and how
she managed it. My ramblings didn't go over well, and I never received anymore
correspondences from her.
In the mean time, this 20 year old college student from Vietnam named Thanh kept pestering me
with short bursts of email that really jolted me. At first she asked why I didn't respond to her
email which I never received. Then why was I so rude to ask for her picture without knowing
anything about her. I said I didn't know who she was and needed a face to match with a name.
Then a tiny stamp sized photo of hers was sent, enough for me to recognize who she was.
I asked her about her college major and what she wanted to do, what type of people she was
looking for, given that I was old enough to be her uncle or father. None of these questions were
directly answered by the young thing, while I was getting spammed with more questions about
what I was doing and when I planned to visit Vietnam. OK enough of this, off she went to the
trash bin. What a total waste of time and it really began to get on my nerves. Now it's beyond
just wasting time but a serious investment of effort and attention to follow up with these online
leads. Wow I didn't realize that women could still be so demanding and evasive even on the
online world where everyone could safely hide behind some faked nicknames that afford them
almost total anonymity.
Suddenly a photo of a cute face with a happy smile caught my attention. OK let's see. It's Annie,
28 years old, living in Los Angeles. She is in sales with a Bachelors degree. Quite young but
she looked really happy and content with her arms folded across and a confident beaming wide
grin. Just merely from the small photo included in her profile, I was already attracted to her. It
was a very good impression. So I read on:
Name: Annie
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In my own words: Currently into listening to a host of genres of music, including
Vietnamese, jazz, classical, rock, hip hop and bossa nova.- Babysit my 2-yr old cousin,
which gives me complete and utter happiness.- Play the Dan Tranh (for fun) to release
any tension build-up and to unclog the entangling mind stream.- Recently, I have been
into reading 19th century romance novels such as Jane Eyre, Great Expectations and
Wuthering Heights.
Height: 5'4
Weight: 110 lbs
Appearance: Attractive
Age: 28
Year born: Horse
Ethnicity: Asian
Religion: Christian - Catholic
Marital Status: Single
Education: Bachelors Degree
Occupation: Sales
Languages spoken: English, Vietnamese
English ability: Fluent
Vietnamese ability: Good
Smoking: No
Drinking: Occasionally
Willing to relocate: Maybe
Seeking: Male 29-37 for penpal, friend, relationship, marriage. It would be great to
meet someone private, mature (most times), and mellow. Please don't be materialistic or
into any kind of routine maintenance that a typical woman would be. A sense of humor
would easily allow me to overlook any flaws in your outward appearance; strong and
stable principles, communication, honesty, and loyalty would secure a lifetime with me.
Obviously she had put quite a bit of thought into writing her profile and appeared to be quite
specific about what she was looking for. I was excited, at least some interesting lead to pursue.
The bad part was I was way outside the range of ages she had wanted. No matter, it never hurt to
get rejected on line since no one knows who you are. I quickly sent Annie a note expressing my
interest and sat back waiting for her reply, which didn't come for another day.

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Day One The Adventure Begins

I logged on to my online account this morning. Just as I was about to cancel my trial membership
to VietnameseDating, a chat window popped up with a pleasant chime. Lo and behold, it's
Annie at the other end of the line.
I hardly ever used chat. I hated the technology. Kids nowadays would have 4, 5 chat windows
opened at the same time talking to a group of friends. They would be sitting in front of the
computer terminal while studying, waiting and occasionally fire away with short bursts of
unintelligible Internet lingos, emoticons and shorthands. My online vocabulary was quite
limited, but I was still learning and begin to pick up a couple of useful ones: LOL (laugh out
loud), IMO (in my opinion), :-) (smile), :-( (sad), XD (awestruck), etc. Obviously I was way
behind the curve but again, this was my first online adventure intermingling with the new
generations of people growing up with the internet wired to their heads. It's an interesting social
phenomenon seeing some of these kids going through withdrawals when they are away from the
internet long enough. But I digressed.
Mostly I used email as my means of communication. It's my window to the world, both for work
and personal activities. Email gives me more time to think and to respond at my own leisurely
pace. It quickly became apparent to me that Annie had been on VietnameseDating for some
time. Plus, being a 28 year old female, she probably spent the last so many years of her life
online chatting away with friends from every corner of the world.
I was a total newbie, struggling just to understand some of the modern internet lingos, not
knowing any online etiquettes of how and when to respond. I was nervous and excited. First
lesson: chat is not a face to face conversation and you are allowed to take a break once in a
while, and there is no need to respond immediately to everything from your chat partner. So
being a rookie, my first chat with my potential mate didn't go well. I felt like a deer fixated by
the headlights, a witness on the stand.
I was so unprepared and didn't keep any record of our first conversation, but it went something
like this.
Annie: Hi Tam, thanks for your interest I am glad to chat with you online.
Me: Hi Annie likewise...
Annie: So where is St. Michaels MD? Never heard of the place. Tell me about it.
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Me: Oh it's south of Baltimore. I've been here for over a year now. I think you look so
cute with your big smile. So you live in LA?
Annie: Thanks. So you could speak several languages? French, Japanese?
Me: Yes I learned French when I was a kid. Japanese used to be required for my job.
Annie: [ a long sentence in Japanese...]
Me: Uh, my Japanese is quite rusty. At one point I used to be able converse in Japanese
and even wrote a short essay about walking my dog. But I must admit Japanese was a
very hard language to learn, probably one of the hardest ones. I could barely make out
what you were trying to say.
Annie: For me Japanese was easy. My teacher said Japanese and Vietnamese were
similar so it was easy for me to learn. I told her that was not the case. I guess somehow
I could pick up Japanese real fast.
Me: Wow I'm impressed. I also can write Chinese but can't speak the language. You
know we used to use Chinese characters with Vietnamese pronunciation called chu Nho...
Annie: Oh so you need to know Chinese to use as Kanji characters for Japanese, hence
your knowledge of the Chinese language.
Me: No, actually I learned Chinese by myself when I was a kid. I was interested in the
Chinese poetry from the Tang Dynasty. My mom was really into poetry and I guess it
rubbed off on me.
Annie: Is there any website where I could learn something about Tang Dynasty poetry?
Me: Not off the top of my head, but I have seen some collections of 300 poems from
the Tang Dynasty with Vietnamese translation on line somewhere. Let me look it up
and send it to you later.
The conversation went on for a while. Annie was on the offensive and didn't give me any time to
ask any questions. I was pretty exhausted after 15 minutes of grilling.
Me: OK Annie, it's been great talking to you. I really enjoyed it. I must run now for a
meeting. I hope to talk to you later. Please email me.
Annie: Likewise. Nice to make your acquaintance.
Whew! That was a lot of work for me. I already felt giddy, must be the stress from trying to
learn a new skill on-the-fly. It's a bad idea to even think about dating a young woman almost
half your age, in real life or online. Too much stress, too many unknowns. I could barely keep up
with her... I didn't think it went well.
She already quizzed me about my Japanese and Chinese which I wasn't prepared for. This wasn't
supposed to be a test. The last time I took my Japanese test was over 6 years ago while I was in
San Jose. And for heaven's sake, how am I supposed to know where the link to the Tang
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Dynasty poems is? I knew a couple of dozens of well known Chinese poems mostly though my
mother's recitation of them. I've read and learned how to write them. They are beautiful and
brimming with deep subtle meanings, with a lot of references to historical names and places. But
they didn't just roll of my tongue at a moment's notice. Heck, let's forget it, I was not going to
dust off my old Chinese poetry book to play catch up at this point.
Oh well, so let's just close the loop and move on. It's been nice knowing you Annie. You look
cute and happy. I think I like you already. Haha, she probably thinks I am a dork. Clumsy
(dirty) old man trying to get a piece of the action and I was being exposed online. Damn!
Anyway let's play cool and send her a parting message, then go back to your life, dork.
Dear Annie:
I don't want to come across as being pushy or too forward,
but I just wanted you to know I really enjoyed talking with you.
My impression is that you are very smart and I detect a trace
of a mischievous sense of humor. I think you look really cute
and happy, and I like the way you methodically examined
the witness on the stand. Don't know where this is going
(it's all up to you) but thank you for the short conversation this morning.
I wish there were something like vietnamesedating several years ago.
But well no need to cry over spilled milk :-) I guess I am not the type
who goes out often to meet people, and am somewhat of an introvert,
so please forgive me for being too straightforward the first time we talk.

Best regards,
Tam
OK, here you go and goodbye Annie. I am just too old for this. Why couldn't I meet someone in
their thirties and preferred to use email instead. So I sent her my parting message and sifted
through a whole bunch of messages from Vietnam. Quite frustrating, no photos, 40 year old
divorced women looking for soulmate in the US of A. Yeah right. I am going to fly you over
here and work my butts off to take care of your two kids. Dream on! This is becoming like a bad
movie that you paid 8 bucks to see. The high expectations quickly got deflated but you already
paid for the popcorn and drink, so let's just sit through the joke and get the hell out of there.
It's 7PM day one, and I just finished my dinner sandwiches, sitting by my desk with a glass of
wine. I was tapping on my keyboard wondering what to do next with my online account, whether
to continue or kill it. Then a pleasant chime came up and a small window appeared in my gmail
window. It's Annie. How does she know how to open my gmail chat window? No matter, I
could just type something into the chat window and see where things go. Tam, stay calm now,
hold your own and fight back. One way or other, live or die, let's just get through this moment.
The great thing about gmail chat is that it's practically fool proof and saves all your messages for
the record to boot. Here is a reproduction of my first meaningful online conversation with
Annie. The thing about chat is that there is a variable delay between the time you read a message
to the time you send a respond, so the questions and responds don't usually follow a strict
chronological order. I've rearranged them so that they are easier to follow. Our first
conversation lasted about 2 hours online. Wow that was quite a feat for me. I later learned that
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she was chatting with me while watching a Vietnamese dubbed Chinese kungfu series on DVD.
Thanks, that made me feel good.
Anyway, here it goes ... You will notice a lot my rookie mistakes both in forms and contents. It
was my first time.
me: hello
Annie: there you are...hi Tam.
me: Annie?
Annie: yes... my Vietnamese name is My An. Since I read your message, I've had my
screen up to write to you but have been interrupted by the Chinese movie on TV
me: Chinese movie? haha LOL :-) what are you watching? does it have English subtitle
or is it dubbed in VNese?
[Notice my rookie mistake? Haha LOL :-) all meant the same thing. So lots of overkills there.]
Annie: Thien Long Hiep Khach. Have you seen it? Dubbed, of course.
All the while, I've been searching on poetry from the Tang Dynasty.
me: Actually I used to read a lot of Kung Fu novels, especially Kim Dung, but lately I
have been watching a lot of Korean series (please don't laugh)
Annie: Is there a site that you may recommend?
me: for Korean movies?
Annie: Not funny... I watch Korean too. Stairway to Heaven and First Love at Harvard
are two Korean movies that I've seen. No...I was referring to the poetry.
[No Annie, I wasn't trying to be funny. I just got confused because I could not keep track of what
you were asking. But if you thought it was funny, then thanks anyway. Now let me answer your
quiz question. Good thing I did some online search about the Tang Dynasty poems.]
me: Let me find out and let you know. I used to have a book called Duong Thi Tam Bach
Thu (300 poems from the Tang Dynasty)
Annie: I did read on that online. All english translations.
me: The Harvard drama series is interesting in the first part when it showed a lot of
Boston and Cambridge. I used to go to school near there so it reminded me a lot about
the area but the latter part dragged a bit
Annie: They always drag on too long. That's the nice thing about these movies being on
DVD...I get to fast forward.
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me: Annie, you seem to be really smart it scares me. What do you do?
Annie: I am not smart. I don't know why you have that impression of me.
really... I don't want you to be disappointed that's all. You're the smart one around here.
me: or maybe you are a comedienne?
Annie: No...not a comedian. Just myself.
I may be a comedian amongst my closest friends...but that's about it.
[OK she didn't buy my BS, so let's drop that and move on]
me: OK I am happy with that answer
Annie: But I do have a pretty sarcastic attitude... don't take things too seriously... I think
I'm going to stay up all night watching this movie.
me: yes all the smart funny people tend to get sarcastic sometimes
haha are you serious? is it that good?
Annie: yes. Question for you...
me: yes?
Annie: So...among your friends...what position are you? How would they describe you?
me: I guess I don't understand what you meant by "position"?
Annie: Are you a leader...meaning do you usually have to be the one making the
decision...or are you rather indifferent...?
me: I am serious, focused and responsible, although I don't really like to be a leader. I
am somewhat laid back and quiet. But I have a mischievous streak in me and can be quite
funny at times (when I am in a good mood). I guess if I need to make a decision then I
will do it but normally I am somewhat of a happy go lucky kind of a person
Annie: I am the same way...but most times, I am a leader among my friends. I get
irritated sometimes when they are too indecisive...so I've learned not to give them
options.
[Oops my chat window somehow disappeared. What did I miss? Fumbling about for a couple of
minutes. Annie, I am still here, please don't go away.]
me: hah, i am back i still don't know how to use chat stuff yet
Annie: So I suppose it would depend on the group that I'm with. you're funny. All this
time, and you're still a rookie at chats? Don't worry about it. I've only started chatting
the end of last year.
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[Annie, I wasn't trying to be funny. But let me play reverse psychology and turn the table on you,
for once]
me: Annie, I guess this is the first time I use chat in gmail. I was nervous this morning,
now I am having a headache because I am more used to email which gives me more time
to think :-)
Annie: this way...we could be more natural... So are you still nervous?
me: OK Annie now it's your turn to be on the stand. Tell me about yourself, what do you
like in life, what are you looking for in general? Yes I am still very nervous. It's strange
I am not a kid anymore so this is quite annoying. Probably should take some Tylenols the
next time
Annie: Pretty broad questions don't you think?
me: Annie, please don't answer a question with another one. I am catching up with you :)
Annie: I would advise against taking any chemical-based pharmaceuticals as a solution
to anything.
Okay... [long pause]
thinking... [long pause]
hmmm...
me: haha LOL
Annie: so...this is how it feels to have the spot light shining on me.
me: haha you have all the time just take your time. I also need to calm down I am so
nervous here
Annie: If you're nervous with a keyboard in the comfort of your own home...I can only
imagine how you would act if we were to one day meet.
me: that would be really scary wouldn't it? you know I have been a shy person
Annie: Honestly... not...I don't know that...I only know what you tell me...which I only
absorb with a grain of salt. But honestly... I joined VNdating to meet Vietnamese
men...more specifically...someone local...but it's interesting the vast diversity of people
who contact me...
me: shy is probably not correct but I guess I don't feel comfortable among strangers and
only like being with a small group of friends. tell me your impression of what you've seen
so far
[Whoa, hold it there clever girl. You are good at changing the subject and I fell for it]
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Annie: from 60-year old white men in the depths of China, to Dutch and German
speaking Vietnamese men, and then the great number of teenagers from Korea to Peru.
Do you receive such a mix from the women's side as well? Well...
me: yes a lot of expressed interests from young women from Vietnam and a couple from
the state. To be honest I think I am completely mesmerized by someone named Annie
Annie: you and I both know that looks are the sole variable in a first impression....You
looked Korean to me. However I thought you were handsome...what threw me off was
your age. I wanted to find somebody significantly older than me and had mentally settled
for someone between 5-10 years older....the reason for this is the slow-moving maturity
level that seems to be prevalent in all boys/men that I come across.
me: haha LOL
[Sorry Annie, I will reveal my true identity when the time comes. But you are so perceptive.
Luckily I didn't look half bad at my age. The transition from the handsome Korean boy to me
probably would be a let down, but won't be a sudden shock to you]
Annie: I am in Sales....a lot of my contacts with people are initially over the phone...their
impression are along the lines of myself in my late 30's to early 40's...but when they see
me, I look like I'm in my teens. I get this often. I've actually had a client's wife made a
comment about how I looked too young... Sorry, I'm watching and writing
simultaneously.
me: let me see 28 + 10 = 38, so 40 is not that far off, right?
8:34 PM Annie no... I make exceptions...although exceptions are rare...and I haven't
decided on that yet.
8:35 PM me: oh that's fine take your time no rush, especially i am sure a person as cute
as you probably have tons of guys going after you all the time, isn't right?
Annie: But you do look very young... considering that the photo you posted is recent
I think the same of you. But, it is true.
[Thank you Annie, let's get a little serious now that we are through with the tongue in cheek intro]
me: actually I've been on a long hiatus after a painful divorce that still hurts, I haven't
seen anyone for some time now. Maybe that's why I feel so giddy talking to you?
Annie: I do get a lot of attention...but I'm not dating...no one has yet to catch my
attention...hence, my being on VNdating.
me: that's hard to believe, you mean you could not find anybody you like in the whole
LA area?
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Annie: Tam, I know what I'm looking for... my first requirement now is that he must be
Vietnamese. I have a reason for seeking a Vietnamese man...
me: yes actually I am curious as to your reason for looking for a vietnamese man. many
young VNese women have a lot of choices and many decided not to marry Vietnamese.
What's your story?
Annie: An explanation will come in time. Trust me. How long ago was your divorce?
me: well let's see... it's kinda messy, the separation was 7 years ago, the divorce took a
while almost a year to get through
Annie: 7 years is a long time to be separated. Besides... it's endearing to have my man
speak to me and my family in my native tongue. Very attractive to hear my man speak
VNmese.
me: oh I can speak and write in Vietnamese very well. Cha`o co^ My~ An
Annie: were you dating in this time?
me: to tell you the story, it's somewhat funny. i was completely devastated after the
divorce and didn't do anything but work for years. Recently I started watching the
Korean movies and I guess they really touched my heart. So I decide to start looking
around. Maybe I am naive enough to believe these movies!
8:45 PM Annie: Naive...yes! Co^? hmmm...
me: Cha`o My An?
Annie: Naive...especially with the Korean movies. If you noticed...all these movies have
the same plot...
me: have you watched any besides the two you mentioned? it's funny but I am somewhat
addicted to them
Annie: I've seen a few more...just don't remember the names. Tell me about
Maryland...I've never been there...how is it there? Do you have family there?
me: i think you are right, it's the same plot, the same set up. but I guess it's reassuring to
me to know that being honest and unselfish get its rewards
Annie: Judging by your age, you were most likely born in VN...am I right?
Being honest and unselfish, and holding staunchly on your principles will make you a
wealthy person...REGARDLESS...so hold tight...
me: yes I was born in VN came to US in 1978. i moved around a lot, 4 years in Virginia,
6 years in Princeton, 2 years in Texas, 6 years in San Jose. I am calling this area home
for now. It's nice but a long commute to Annapolis where I work
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Annie: I believe there's a purpose for every event that occurs in one's life...good or bad.
me: My An are you sure you are 28? You sound like my mom (not that there is anything
wrong with that :-)
Annie: Well...as long as I don't look like your mom...I don't mind sounding like
her...besides, she exposed you to poetry at a young age...props for her.
Annie: My...you have traveled all over. So you were here in SJ? Why did you move out?
me: I was scared of the earthquakes
Annie: Earthquakes? that's a joke right?
me: well partially. i guess i found a better job in baltimore that is closer to my family who
mostly lives around the DC area
Annie: oh...that makes sense. any siblings?
me: this area is much safer than any other areas in the us, no earthquakes no brush fires
no tornadoes no hurricanes. the only thing is the politicians drive everyone nuts. yes 2
sisters, i am the middle son
Annie: Hah! Then you're more at risk of being in danger...I'd rather be surrounded by
natural disasters then by sneaky politicians who are motivated by money and power -- the
root of all evil.
me: haha quite true but i just go about my business seriously what are you looking for in
a mate? also are your family Bac Ky by any chance?
Annie: With them...I'm sure you have to keep yourself sealed tightly in a bubble, or else,
you would be easily negatively influenced...no wonder you haven't dated.
me: haha it has nothing to do with the politicians!
Annie: I'm kidding. My family is not from the North. We're from Mien Trung... We
speak the Trung dialect... By the way...I'll tell you what I'm NOT looking for in a mate..
I prefer non-Bac Ky...they have a bad reputation in my book. Are you, by chance?
me: bad news. my dad was bac ky my mom is trung ky, but I mostly speak with trung ky
accent or more likely Dalat accent. I can also speak in Bac Ky accent.
Annie: Tam, I'm just pulling your leg...I don't have anything against Bac Ky's... I said
that knowing that you were from the area.
me: haha you are too much
Annie: I'd like to make a visit to VN soon...
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me: before talking about that, when did you come to the US?
Annie: I was born here. Texas, specifically.
me: oh that's right, i forgot that you are only 28!
Annie: Yes....
me: where in Texas? Houston? How well do you speak Vietnamese?
Annie: I was born the year you came to the US
me: haha, this is becoming so funny. i wonder if the age gap is much too great to make
sense for you
Annie: Tam I don't see why the age gap would bother me if we balance each
other...hence, my conversing with you...Tam, I was...am...attracted to you...just through
our correspondences so far... I know I may not be direct....but there's a time appropriate
for everything...and we have time. just hope I haven't offended you. It's just my silly side.
me: My An, thank you i am touched. still knowing how mature you are, you haven't seen
enough life to know if such an large age difference will cause problems down the road.
Annie: I was born in Fort Worth, TX...my Vietnamese...so broken...
me: haha so why were you demanding that your mate must speak the language well? I
would have no problem teaching you proper Vietnamese if you want me to!-)
Annie: Yes, age could cause problems down the road...but so many factors could as
well...I wouldn't dwell on it... But if it bothers you... I don't demand my companion to
speak the language well...just that he could speak. Besides...I am seeking my
balance...and one who does speak well would only score points...I'm not looking for one
who is exactly like me.
me: for me it's easy but I am concerned about you, you might discover things unpleasant
due to the large age difference. let's see 40-28=12, actually it's not too bad
Annie: Discover what? would you like to inform me? do you mean like impotency?
HAHAHA
me: see, i guess while you are smart you still 28, and please don't crack crazy jokes like
these I am choking on my drink right now.
Annie: I'm trying to hold in my laugh just to be polite.
me: haha you're just too much. but seriously i think you should spend some time thinking
about some issues related to the age gap. when you are 48 i am ready to retire, also what
about kids with young mom and dad who looks like their grandfather?
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9:24 PM Annie: Why are you trying to discourage me about the age thing when it hasn't
bothered me? Tam...when I love...I love completely unconditionally...I may be young but I
have had my share of relationships as well...If you are the one I decide to keep by my side
for the rest of my life, nothing will separate us unless you commit infidelity or it was you
who wanted to separate...When I've made a decision...I always see the bright light in
every situation...even when I feel dim. Do you understand?
me: yes i understand, i just want to make sure you consider all the issues because
sometimes things that we don't think about become important later
me: so both your parents are trung ky`. would they have any problem with your marriage
decision, perhaps it is too early and presumptuous to ask but I couldn't help it
Annie: Yes... yes and no. Their opinions matter much to me...but I cannot help who I fall
in love with...because I take their opinions close to heart...I am looking for a Vietnamese
man. On the flip side, I cannot help who I fall in love with. I'm trying to control it as
much as possible.
me: actually i am quite curious, you were born here so you are an american you went to
american schools and absorb the culture here. why the insistence on a vietnamese?
Annie: Interestingly enough...my first language was not English...my parents...well, my
dad...instilled a lot of VNmese values in me and exposed me to everything VNmese
growing up.... We remained among the VNmese communities everywhere we went.
I learned to read and write VNmese...listen to the music all my life...so...I guess there's
something very endearing about the culture to me altogether.
me: i respect that a lot, holding on to one's culture is an admirable thing, regretfully not
too many people make the effort. it's easier to let it slide
Annie: My parents are very old-fashioned...I am the oldest out of five...so I became pretty
old-fashion as well.
me: oh no so you are the head honcho?
Annie: Yes I am. Also the most immature. Believe it or not. It's true...I joke around
more than my younger siblings do.. But when I'm serious...that's another story.
me: ok tell me about what to expect when you are serious. should I keep quiet or
disappear?
Annie: Keep quiet. Never disappear...no matter what.
me: can i laugh?
me: hahahahahahaha so i guess being the boss does not depend on ages
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Annie: No...women are usually the boss in a romantic relationship... it's not universal...
But so far...it's been true with all relationships that I've been in. May I ask a personal
question?
Me: hahahaha yes boss
Annie: I tend to me more on the dominant side.However...sometimes the throne is
abdicated. well...
me: hahahaha lol how is it possible? you meant like the empress is without clothes?
Annie: I would explain but it's a long story... I tell you something personal about
myself. I had just broken up from a 9-year relationship... so I know what devastation
really is.
me: wow that's a long time, if you know someone for that long i guess marriage is not
coming
Annie: I really meant it when I said once I make a decision...I don't change it. Let's not
continue this subject for now...more will follow in the near future.
me: yes, i am interested in knowing how you think and feel, but you seem to be very
mature, almost like an old woman beneath the cute face. you were asking about
something personal?
9:50 PM Annie: yes... hmmm...Tam, sorry to cut it short...I have to take my aunt to the
airport. besides...it's getting later there for you...probably. I'll try to catch you when I
come back...if you're still online.
me: OK let's talk another time. I really have so much fun talking with you today. OK I
will wait just send me an email and I will try to get on line.
Besides...we have much to absorb before we continue...feels like our first date already.
me: ok see you in a while My An
Annie: Chao anh.
9:53 PM me: cha`o My An
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Really getting to know each other

The first day of my online "love affair" went well. It was exhausting for me to stay focused online
for over two hours straight. Annie probably could do this with her eyes closed (or fixated on the
TV screen. She's been watching this series for god knows how long). Last night after the long
online conversation, I could not sleep. I read the saved chat session over and over again. I kept
thinking about Annie. She came across as a solid mature person and she had a great sense of
humor. I just felt very comfortable talking to her. I felt great. I felt as if I was in love. The
giddy anxious feelings kept me awake until almost 4AM. I drifted into a halting reverie only to
wake up at 7AM. I had two cups of coffee and ran off to work. Gotta beat the crazy traffic
around this area. I couldn't wait until lunch to get online with Annie again.
12:16 PM me: howdy
12:17 PM Annie: Been coughing all night...couldn't really sleep...besides, my room faces
the east so I get the morning sun...it's beautiful in LA today.
12:18 PM me: Annie I think I am getting sick. I was just drifting about last night wasn't
really sleeping just got so tired. This is not good
Annie: Want to hear a good old-fashion remedy?
12:19 PM me: perhaps a couple of sleeping pills?
12:20 PM Annie: Well...drink a lot of water, keep body well insulated so you'll sweat it
off...do NOT take any otc medications...allow your body to defend itself with it's immune
system...if you do want to take something...take andrographis (an herb).
12:21 PM No sleeping pills, especially that.
me: I guess I will have to call sick the rest of today and go home. Really not feeling well
like I am floating in the air and shaking, definitely not good
12:22 PM Annie: If you can, go home and rest.
12:23 PM I'm playing Quang Le right now... do you know of him?
me: yes let talk a little and I will run off after lunch. perhaps it's better after I get home
and rest a bit. Who is Quang Le, a guitarist?
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Annie: no...wait.. click on the following...make sure your volume is up
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P5xIYOE7ZoA
12:27 PM He's young...from Hue...sings really well...I love his voice...unlike other
VNmese male singers his age, he sings more of the old-fashion songs. I like him...on the
female side, I listen to Nhu Quynh, which you should know...or do you?
12:28 PM me: yes I am familiar with Nhu Quynh she is cute. i haven't heard much of
Quang Le. He's good singer and is quite good looking. Thanks I didn't know youtube has
almost everything!
12:29 PM Annie: Youtube has everything! I'm on youtube as well...
me: yes?
12:30 PM Annie: During Thanksgiving last year...my friend, who plays the guitar really
well played a song and in which I sang to...his brother was recording w/ his phone...and
posted it online.
12:31 PM me: can I see it? certainly like to look at you more.
Annie: He said he posted it on youtube but I never looked for it. I'll ask him what he had
listed it under... I don't know. By the way, how recent is the your photo? Mine was taken
in January.
12:34 PM Just sent you an email...surprise!
me: hehe, i was about to tell you about the photo. it's taken while i was free and single
(probably 10 years ago?). I guess I look a little older now but not by much. will send you
one some time. i don't have many photos of me. no need for them. anyway you will notice
some changes especially after i've gone through the divorce and my period of depression
12:35 PM Annie: All recent photos of myself. Depression...
[I opened my email and looked at the three digital pictures she sent. One with her playing the
Vietnamese Dan Tranh, others taken with relative and family members]
me: you look so cute. thanks
Annie: I never knew what it felt like to be depressed until last year -- I experienced a
taste of it myself. Not very many things bring me down...
me: who's the other Annie? she looks more trung ky than you
12:38 PM Annie: She's my aunt from Texas. I don't look VNmese for that matter.
12:39 PM People never guess Vietnamese...they almost always guess Philipino or one of
the Polynesian Islands...
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me: a little japanese perhaps very tomboyish i must say
Annie: "Tom-boyish"? That's unusual... I usually don't get that.
12:40 PM me: i love domineering tomboys, just my strange taste. but perhaps because i
talked to you before seeing the photos?
12:42 PM Annie i am running off too. are you around at noon? I'll be home rested a
while then i will talk to you more.
I knocked down two Tylenols. Grabbed my laptop and went to the Panera coffee shop across the
street. It had free wireless internet. I ordered a cup of coffee and a chocolate croissant. I looked
at the pictures she sent me. Wow she is sooo cute. I am dead. Can't live without her. Got to get
back to Annie. I sent her a short email.
Tuesday April 10, 13:06 PM
Subject: I am back!
and good as new! i guess i didn't have enough sleep last night and nothing in my stomach
except for two cups of coffee. that's why i was shaking (and it's not because of you, thank
god!)

didn't listen to your advice this time. knocked down two tylenols and they worked
wonders. too impatient for all the natural therapy stuff (i know they work great, just no
time for me).

i really like your smile, it makes me feel so happy. the curved smile gives away your
hidden mischievous side. you do look like a teenager, so innocent...
An hour later Annie came online. I felt just like a teenager falling in love the first time. Giddy,
up in the air. I could not think of any but Annie. Her face, her smile were filling up my brain.
2:41 PM me: hi there
Annie: was waiting for you...are you okay?
2:42 PM me: yes i just sent you an email
Annie: let me see... Yes, it's great to be Asian...we don't need all that those chemical to
look younger than we are. Although...most Asian women are not satisfied.
me: haha, satisfied?
Annie: Disappointed though that you resorted to Tylenol.
2:45 PM satisfied with their looks so they actually do resort to much crme...
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me: i don't have any herbal stuff you mentioned, plus i might have to wait until the
evening before the natural therapy kicks in, no time for that. perhaps next time
2:46 PM Annie: Are you at work or home?
2:47 PM me: i guess the tylenols worked great. i am not at work but not home either. i
am at a coffee shop with my laptop eating some pastry and coffee
2:48 PM Annie: Coffee again?
me: what other choices are there? water?
Annie: You don't learn your lesson do you? YES! water!
me: haha, what lesson? and why pay for water? so boring to drink
Annie: Water is better for your health...it's a better investment into your health.
me: how many gallons a day to make one feels healthy?
2:50 PM Annie: I don't "feel healthy" when I drink water...I just feel unhealthy when I
drink coffee.
me: i drink beer and red wine sometimes, can't handle white wine. can't take water, it's a
waste
2:51 PM Annie: BAD... Waste of what?
2:52 PM me: the way i see it, i can only eat and drink so much in one sitting so it'd better
be something good. that's my bad habit, i am picky when it comes to food. must have
inherited from my father who always loved to eat good food.
2:53 PM Annie: What's good food? Fine dining?
2:54 PM me: well i guess even vietnamese food is fine but it'd better be good. like i said
it's a bad habit but why deny yourself a good thing? also i eat a lot of hot peppers
Annie: Me too... I like spicy food. I greatly enjoy cooking...
2:55 PM prefer eating my own food than going out... That's why I took so long to get
back to you last night.
me: you were cooking for urself?
2:56 PM Annie: Besides sitting in traffic on the way to and from the airport...I had to
stop by the market and get some stuff to make dinner for my cousin and friend, who live
with me.
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2:57 PM me: yes i was wondering how long it took to drop someone off at LAX at that
hour, so you had other errands to run. you must be energetic
Annie: I actually dropped her off in Long Beach...there was a game that had just ended
so traffic was quite heavy.
2:58 PM FYI: I am single...you don't have to make assumptions.
me: Wow, hats off to you, you read my mind, i was about to ask you about your
roommate and cousin
2:59 PM Annie: Both females...
me: haha you got me again
Annie: They are spoiled by me.
3:00 PM me: so you take good care of both?
Annie: If only one word could be used to describe me...I think it would be unanimous
that they'd all use "motherly". Yes, it's in my nature. I spoil them both. What ever they
want to eat...I usually make.. I cook VNmese food more often than not.
me: right, the oldest female always act like mother hen. sounds like you can make a lot
of dishes
3:02 PM Annie: I can make as many dishes that exist...as long as I have the
recipe...cooking is not difficult...it's a matter of following directions and having the
willingness to put in the time.
3:05 PM me: you know, it's really strange. i used to have a female friend when i lived in
Austin. she is also trung ky and had a number of common things with you like natural
therapy, cooking and strong opinions. she is not the oldest one though and from what i
know of you, you seem to be a lot more mature. i am not making any comparison, just
wondering whether trung ky women share certain common traits. my older and younger
sisters are half trung half back but they are so gentle :-)
3:07 PM Annie: Well, I think it is safe that all the females in my family are pretty much
the same way...maybe because of the dialect that we speak. j/k. People make fun of us
always...about our dialect.
me: what's j/k?
3:08 PM Annie: I used our dialect as the root of our traits. Although... interestingly, I've
often rec'd comments about my accent sounding Bac. Why do you say Bac Ky....isn't that
offensive?
me: haha what do you mean?
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3:10 PM Annie: I have a few Bac Ky friends and they say that the term "Ky" at the end of
Bac connotates something offensive. Since then, I've been careful to only say Bac...as
opposed to Bac Ky.
3:11 PM me: yes it does feel like that but my understanding is that bac, trung, nam ky
were connoted during the French colonial period. but you are right, calling someone
nguoi Bac is better than calling her Bac Ky
you know i was asking if you were Bac Ky because con gai Bac has a real sharp tongue
Annie: hahaha I'm telling my dad on you.
3:13 PM My ex use to find that endearing... he usually lose to me in battles even on
subjects that I was unfamiliar with... But I think I am NOTHING compared to a Bac
Ky...now, I could use this term in that context.
3:15 PM me: but my view of gai Trung is that they have very deep feelings and very
tough and obstinate. of course these are just overgeneralization. i already sense that
there is no way i can win a verbal fight with you but i am an easy going person
"rong luong", nguoi lon khong chap con nit. hehe
Annie: "luong" ? chap?
3:16 PM oh...
me: rong luong = magnanimous
Annie: chap?
me: giving in to kids
3:17 PM adults giving in to kids
Annie: what are the accents?
me: ro^.ng lu+o+.ng, cha^'p. hehe i can already see the advantages of being older and
knowing more vnese. you know i have a younger sister and basically she could do
whatever she wants with me
3:18 PM Annie: laughing.. I'm sure...I feel like I can do whatever I want to with you
already. do you listen to music? if so, who do you follow?
3:21 PM me: i guess my taste is eclectic just like yours except i am too old for hip hop. i
like vietnamese music especially trinh cong son, i also like classical piano (chopin) and
the beatles. but i am a little obsessive so if i listen to something then i would listen to all
of it for some time until there is nothing left
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3:22 PM why do you think you could do whatever do whatever you want to do with me?
did you sense that i would just play dead and let you do whatever? hehe
Annie: no, you seem to be nice.
3:23 PM me: what does "being nice" entail?
Annie: but if you were to lay dead, I wouldn't be in the room with you...I'd probably be
in another room doing something else.
me: haha
Annie: allowing people to step all over you.
me: haha thanks i thought so
3:24 PM Annie: don't worry...I am the same way...except I'm fully aware of it. I allow
certain people to use me...but once I sense abuse, that person is cut off.
me: wow that's exactly how i would behave
3:25 PM you have 2 brothers 2 sis?
Annie: 3 bros & 1 sis. It doesn't matter to me one way or the other...I believe my role
in the world in general is that of a servant.
me: how old is the other sis, how young is the youngest?
3:26 Annie: My sister, Lynn, is 22. My youngest brother is 10
me: I am still trying to make of your statement about being a servant
3:27 PM Annie: Yes...I believe I have been put here to work my ass off...not as much for
my own pleasure...since true and pure pleasure for me is derived from serving those
whom I love.
3:29 PM me: you meant something like selfless giving?
Annie: yes...
me: why do you think like that? it is certainly not very american!
3:30 PM Annie: I am American in nationality...but my heart and soul is all Vietnamese.
3:32 PM me: yes it is something to treasure. i really appreciate your viewpoint. i've
always felt that i don't really fit in with the value system here, and one of which is that the
selfish view prevalent here is really the source of most unhappiness. worst yet if i try to
do good to others they think i have some ulterior motive. that's vastly disappointing to me
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3:33 PM Annie: finally...something in common.
3:37 PM Annie: Hey, I've been looking for the poetry from the Tang Dynasty...do you
know any sites that you could refer me to? I've got a song that you'd appreciate. Ignore
the video, but listen to the lyrics... http://youtube.com/watch?v=qanvfBiY_MY
me: http://etext.virginia.edu/chinese/frame.htm
3:39 PM Annie: I was in this site yesterday...thank you...I think they only have english
translations on this site.
3:40 PM me: right i've been to one with Vietnamese translation, still looking for it. will
let you know when i found it again
3:41 PM wow the music is great but the video is totally disconnected. them guys who put
this together probably suffered cognitive dissonance
Annie: hhahha
3:42 PM me: it's weird don't you think? i guess i couldn't figure out why someone would
do it this way, perhaps there is some deep underlying meaning to it?
3:43 PM Annie: no...I think it's simply because he likes b&w films and the song (Be Still
My Heart)...separately...but decided to put the two together.
3:44 PM me: wow this guy must know only one song and one video. anyway thanks. by
the way tell me about your ex and why you guys broke up after 9 years
3:45 PM Annie: My ex...his name is Artur ...
[Longer personal dialogue]
me: I hope you are fine now with it. I certainly do not want to intrude at the wrong
moment. If you are still in pain let me know I will stand back
Annie: 4:26 PM Oh...I am in and out of pain. But I am also sane...
me: you know i have a 2nd degree black belt in taekwondo but i don't imagine it gives
me any help against your verbal aggression!-)
Annie: funny. Taekwondo?
me: yes. i wanted to learn so i could go to the dojang and beat up all these young girls
Annie: Shows how weak you are... you need to take lessons to beat up on girls.
4:28 PM me: yes in a way men are the weaker sex
Annie: ...straight to the point.
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me: actually just a legitimate reason to do so. what i meant is once you have a
sparring session you are allowed to defend and attack your opponent, man or woman
regardless. but some of these american girls are big and aggressive so i had no qualms
about using my skills and had a splendid time, thank you very much
Annie: Is this art the only way you get any physical contact with a woman?
me: well i would not call it physical contact, or even if it so it's not such a pleasurable
things to do, except for me to get rid of my stress!
Annie: Spot light is now switching positions...what do you mean you were separated for
7 years.
4:32 PM me: it's a long story how much do you want to know?
4:33 PM Annie: Tam, I don't need to know any of it... I'm going to watch the Postal
Service next month live..
4:35 PM me: Annie, it's OK let me tell you about it. Just that I need to collect my thought
a little, it's painful to think about it so i mostly avoid thinking about it, but i think i should
tell you in the interest of full disclosure. well i knew this woman who was a grad student
in the Chinese Lit program at Princeton. I was doing my graduate study there also and
we met at one of the VSA parties
4:37 PM are u there?
Annie: yes.. I'm researching music as I converse with you.
4:39 PM me: ok, anyway she was quite stunning. I never met any woman as beautiful as
she was. i am a reserved guy but she was such a tomboy and she liked me for some
reason. We were getting along great within a short time. then came a lot of intimacy and
shortly marriage. i was so overwhelmed with her i could not continue with my study and
decided to go to work.
4:46 PM me: hard to say this, but i guess i didn't know enough about her. she's
vietnamese but also not a typical one. i guess i could not handle her demand for bedtime
activities, almost daily and weekends were physically exhausting for me. A year into
marriage I really could not handle it anymore and spent a lot of time at work, sometimes
working late. One day I caught her with one of the male grad student friends. That was
the end of it. I got so depressed and was in the hospital for some time. You know, your
nerves got stretched to the limits they never healed. I frequently suffered bouts of
depression, it's like a comfortable place to be in. still very bitter and painful
4:48 PM Annie: Did you have a feeling...or some premonition that she was being
unfaithful?
me: no everything happened so fast i was only reacting to events. i must say i still love
her a lot. it's painful
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4:49 PM Annie: Well...I think your depression was a lot worse than mine. Every time I
was aware of it, I would pull myself out of it...or tried to at least. How long were you two
together?
4:50 PM me: we dated for a year, marriage one year and divorce on the third, on the last
year we didn't really stay together much.
Annie: wow... Pretty quick then.
me: well you know she is so beautiful why would she settle for someone like me. it wasn't
meant to be in the first place
4:51 PM Annie: I don't like the sound of that... you must work on that... for yourself.
4:52 PM me: last i heard she dropped out of princeton and became a psychologist with a
degree from UCLA. it would be funny if i showed up as one of her patients!
Annie: Looks are the first thing that matter...but the last thing that counts. The way you
think of yourself shows in every aspect of your aura...yes, it's all very easy to say and
hard to apply....but you are a smart man...so what if she was/is beautiful...is promiscuity
beautiful to you? What about her integrity? her principles? I'd rather marry an
unattractive man with principles in place than a handsome one and be unhappy...
me: there was a great deal of emotions involved beyond the physical stuff. i am much
less bitter because i could not hold on to her, she is meant for the world. it's painful
because my heart was broken.
4:56 PM Annie: We cannot change our past...we only have a chance to alter our present
and future and we should not afford to screw that up as well... I'm very optimistic...
4:57 PM me: my problem is that i could not think about this with a straight head on. it's
all a jumble in my head and i guess i never understood what went on during those times.
was i happy or sad? was it love or something else?
Annie: I was in a consistent relationship for 9 years...and yes, I was depressed...but I
have and am picking up the pieces and going on...I respect Artur still...but I respect God
more...so I won't waste what he has given me...something so precious. It is okay to reflect
in order to learn, Tam. But not to reflect and resort back in that fetal position where it's
comfortable and dwell on sad thoughts.
5:01 PM me: Annie, i've got to run, looks like i need to beat the traffic. if you have time
let's talk more tonight. yes?
5:02 PM Annie: yes. talk to you later, Tam. Again, I enjoyed it too!
me: ciao for now, you can help keep me sane. Thanx. as always you read my mind!
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Is this fate?

It's been three days since I found Annie. We'd spent a great amount of time chatting on line.
After last night's conversation, I again barely had much sleep. Annie sent me a link to one of her
best friend's myspace homepage. I explored around and found a video of her playing the clown,
dancing to the tune of some rather provocative music. Wow she had a nice body too. She was
shaking her butt rhythmically to the music. Her group of friends were young and carefree,
laughing and hooting just like any other gatherings of young adults.
Suddenly it hit me that I wouldn't be able to blend in with her crowd. A 40-year old Asian guy
with a lot of hang-ups and personal baggage. What would I be doing hanging around her
friends? If Annie was old-fashioned for a 28 year old, I am practically outdated, giving my
rather deep Vietnamese upbringing and the way my boring life has unfolded so far. While talking
online, I felt we made a special connection with each other. She sounded so mature, her
command of the language and the tempo of the internet chat definitely gave her an upper hand.
Plus she appeared to be a natural leader, taking charge of things and situations. I was having so
much fun talking with her. What a thrill of my life. She didn't mind the age gap, but reality
started to sneak in with its rude awakening
What was I doing talking to a 28 year-old woman? Except for the great moments online chatting
away, what else could we do with each other? Could we share friends, social life, and physical
intimacy? I haven't had much luck with relationship, and I just could not keep my past out of
my mind to go beyond the initial stages. I felt depressed. Could there be any future in this
blossoming relationship with Annie? We had shared each other's personal secrets. The more I
knew about her, the more I liked her, feeling just like the soul mate I have been looking for. But
what do soul mates do beyond talking to each other on line? What about her parents, her
brothers and sister who depend on her? What about her friends, her coworkers, all the fun stuff
that a young women got to do? How do I fit in any of these?
At 2AM, I wrote Annie my goodbye email.
Wednesday, April 11, 2:00AM
Subject: Hello!
You are so beautiful and lovely. If I were 10 years younger I would not
hesitate for a moment to ask you to marry me. Even if you rejected,
I would not let you go.

Thanks for giving me the best 3 happy days I have had since a long time.
I will cherish these moments. Thanks for sharing the video and pictures.
I will keep them close to me.
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I was looking at the video. You are as cute and lovely as ever no matter
what you do. It also made me feel old, not sure how I could mix in with
the young crowds and your friends (and you).

I've been out of the game for too long (and I guess I was never good at it).
Like you said, I was acting like a kid in a candy store. I guess I was too
happy and giddy to act my age. Thanks for letting me in your candy store
and have a glimpse of what happiness could be.

I guess I am not acting right. My ego is still too fragile, my actions too
rash and immature. I really cherish the short time we spent together
but I don't feel I am ready for this, or any other relationship. I will
dearly miss you and I hope just thinking of you will keep me happy.

If you don't mind I would like to keep in touch through email once in
a while. Just to be clear it wasn't because that I was disappointed that
I was not the one you choose. I guess it's highly unrealistic to have
anything happen so fast. Simply I just realized that I have been
living on a cloud and my feet weren't even touching the ground. I guess
I need to clear my head and calm my soul before I should try to
approach you romantically in the future (if you would allow). I just
wanted to say I love you, the words are on the tip of my tongue but
I know I must hold them in.

Anyway, I shouldn't keep rambling on and on. Let's keep in touch.

Cha`o My An,
Le^ Thanh Ta^m
Another sleepless night. I went to work in a daze. A feeling of regret permeated me. Had I
have met her ten years ago, things would have been different (but then she would be only 18 and
that's a big no no). At least I did the right thing, I hope, to stop this from going any further and
getting out of hand.
I was at my desk finishing up my lunch and was surfing around the web for the latest news, when
Annie came on line.
1:35 PM Annie: hey! Tam....busy?
me: hi Annie
Annie: you are too much!
1:36 PM me: ?
Annie: I shouldn't have shared that site with you. read your email this morning. By the
way, thanks for all the compliments. I really don't want you to feel that way about
yourself....You made me really touched. there is no "game"... That's all BS. It's all about
being yourself and believing in yourself....you must pick yourself up from any situation
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that takes you down...do you want to lay there forever? Stand up and walk away...even if
you must drag yourself...even if you are limping...even if you're injured...cause now...you
are laying there completely exposed...like a bullseye target for a bomb to point right at
you! hmmm...I sound like my dad...lecturing...Sorry...I don't mean to be so judgmental. I
was rather upset when I read your email.
me: why were you upset?
1:41 PM : Because you are a man of knowledge and intelligence...you are a Vietnamese
man! You are stronger than that. But you allow a stranger to bring you down so easily.
You allow your psychology to impede your strength. You are a smart man! I know that.
How many people here know of the Trung Sisters? You're the first I know who have
mentioned them.
1:43 PM me: My An I am not sure about that. I think the problem for me is that this on-
line relationship has been so great for me, it kind of put me in a different world that I
know may or may not exist. It's like floating in the air without any bearing on reality.
Suddenly I stared down last night and saw the ground and that really woke me up.
1:45 PM Annie: I don't know what to say...what made you float (and please don't say,
me)...what opened your eyes to the ground?
1:49 PM me: Well, I guess I do have a lot of personal baggage and problems. Why am I
floating in the air? I guess I felt this happiness is not real, it probably does not exist, and
fittingly in the on-line world it might be just my illusion. I was somewhat down after last
night's conversation with you. That put me in a more somber mood and it woke me up to
the reality. And the ground was where I was heading. I guessed I already warned you
about this earlier yesterday. I knew this was going way too fast something bad deems to
happen soon.
1:51 PM Annie: Tam... it's okay to be elated about someone... but you're right... it's too
soon to feel this way... Although you can't help yourself....I understand. Actually, now
that I'm thinking about it...it takes a lot of strength for you now only to realize this but to
acknowledge it and deal with it. I respect you...and don't want you to be hurt...through
me nor anyone... you seem fragile, yes...but you also appear to be a good man. that's all
it takes for some people some women just simply want a good man. you don't have to
be anything else. Yes, I would very much like to stay in touch with you...but not at the
expense of your unstable emotions... I'll let you guide it. I'll pass the torch over to you,
Tam
1:56 PM me: give me a minute. I am on the phone. Annie, I am back. This is a side of you
that I haven't seen. But that's even better for me to know
2:01 PM Annie: what do you mean? There's an appropriate time for everything... "For
everything, there is a season, and a time for every purpose under the heaven.."
me: I have been thinking. I might need to go to a week-long meditation class to work out
my emotional mess, or perhaps therapy will help?
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Annie: I don't know Tam Taking a week off...therapy...I don't know... I guess I'm
different...I have no patience for mind games and psychologist BS...but that's me...If I
were to take a week off...it definitely wouldn't be for therapy...rather, for a vacation.
me: you know it's been 7 years and I haven't been able to regain my footing no matter
how hard i tried. not sure if you should be dragged into this personal mess. i think if i
could work out my problems before facing the world again, that would be more fair to
you and others.
2:05 PM Annie: SEVEN YEARS! Yes, do whatever you think would help...don't continue
to waste your life on this. When was the last time you've been physically intimate with a
woman....or man? hahaha...j/k Do you think that you may be just waiting for her to come
back to you? And not admit to it? Or not aware of it?
2:08 PM me: well I had seen a woman in Austin and one in SF briefly. well I could fly to
the west coast and become her patient :-)
Annie: Do you really want to ruin yourself permanently? Then yes, do that. Or...if you fly
here...I'll meet up with you. and with her.... : and we'll have unpleasant conversations...
me: My An I think you are the one who makes me float. I am getting giddy talking to you
already. Or it must be chat. I am more used to email. Chat's probably too intense for me.
Annie: I don't want to make you float...I like men with their two feet firmly on the
ground.
2:10 PM me: what do you have in mind? taking me to her office and make a mess out of
it?
Annie: Yes...give her a piece of what she's put you through.
2:12 PM me: that's exactly my point isn't it? i just feel very inadequate feeling this way
after a mere 3 days. what's going to happen in a week? that's why i thought it only makes
sense for me to get out of it before it's too late. i think i am heading toward something
unknown and i am not sure i will be able to handle it giving my state of mind. not being
able to control my emotions and thought is really scary.
2:13 PM Annie: Okay...good-bye. just kidding. Tam...you have much to figure out....for
yourself... you must learn to be happy.
2:16 PM me: Annie, you know I really hate this. I was hoping to have a normal
relationship and I found you with your cute face and happy smile. Then all the verbal
dominance that you put me through. I was just so thrilled and happy. Then I guess I
tripped and screwed up again. It really ruined the mood and exposed my weaknesses.
Just like walking around naked. I don't know what to do, but I hope you will wait around
for me when I am ready?
Annie: Tam...if our paths cross this way again...I will try again. just take good care of
yourself. that's all I care about.. Besides.. I still want to pick your mind on a lot of things.
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Funny...this feels funny... don't be sad. Promise me you won't feel negative about any of
this... It was a good thing. Promise?
2:20 PM me: are you going to stop talking to me?
Annie: no! Hey..but it's in your control now.
me: so if i talk to you, you will respond? thanx
Annie: You're welcome!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AcqQDM-qOG0
I am listening to this song now.... again...ignore the video...Beautiful song.
2:30 PM me: Annie, here is something you could perhaps help me on: I am trying to be
able to have a calm fun relationship with you but every time I chat with you I am going
giddy. and as you can see i am not really very stable emotionally. while i want to
continue this i found it very hard for me to be calm and collected. certainly it's not a good
idea to go off on a tangent every few days. it's like living with a mental patient. why don't
you think about it, put on your motherly cap, and give me some practical advice.
2:32 PM Annie: Well...think about what you just wrote to me. it's like going to a fortune
teller and knowing your future...except you continue the same way...as if you had never
gone to the fortune teller to begin with...You know yourself...you are predicting how it
will be.. because you know...you should be mentally prepared...you should change your
ways...you much change your path somehow and make a turn...even if it's a sharp
turn....even if you must go out of your comfort zone.
2:36 PM me: i understand what you wrote but it's all too abstract for me mom. which
sharp turn, what comfort zone?
Annie: I speak in metaphors sometimes but I that's how I use analogies. Okay... You
know that you are going to go off on tangents...which you have already done a few
times...every time...you seem to regret it...or don't you? What is the root of that? You
would have to figure it out. Then only could you tackle it. Me personally...if I was in your
position...I would take a deep breathe before I act on my impulse...walk away and do
other things while I give it much thought before I permanently express it. I really don't
know because I cant' really relate.
2:41 PM me: Ok. I guess I will just have to relearn again. I used to know all this stuff.
Annie: As far as getting over a person...one doesn't really get over another who has
made a profound difference in one's life...however, I was able to overcome pain through
the Bible...I refer the Bible to you if you're open to it.
2:42 PM me: how long does it take to read through the Bible? It's a thick book. How do
you learn from it? Just find the right chapter and read it?
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2:43 PM Annie: I have not read the entire Bible. If you're serious... I would suggest that
you buy a "Kings James" version...any religious store would have it. Then I would
recommend that you begin with the Book of St. Matthews. Get your Bible... And we'll go
from there. God guided me through my ordeal. I remember reading and having much
weight lift me... it opened my eyes... I didn't realize how blind I was...You are weak
because you are still blind. You must have faith in him as well...God does not work in
mysterious ways...he makes it obvious...we just have to believe in Him and trust in Him.
me: Did it have such a profound impact on you? Knowing that you are sane and smart, I
will take your word for it.
2:47 PM Annie: I don't think "profound" would fully describe how it impacted my life.
my state of mind... my Love... my Being... my Soul... Who needs a therapist if he is backed
by the Bible? I used to say that to my friend. Your emotions are being controlled by
negative forces... you must add a balance to it...
me: now i see what you meant by the solution comes from inside of oneself.
Annie: Add God to it...he will guide you the way...I promise...
2:50 PM me: i wonder how this affects the way you relate to your potential mate.
Annie: Yes...inside yourself where God resides...you must fully and truly believe in it
though. My companion will be influenced. Not by my words... but through my daily
actions.
me: does he have to be religious too, sharing the same belief?
Annie: 2:51 PM I am not religious! Let me clarify that now!
me: i only meant believing in god
Annie: I just trust in God and in his Words. I don't like to pressure anyone, including
my mate, into anything...God will guide that person..."...a time for every purpose under
the heaven" It is not a requirement of mine... Just who I am...and I wouldn't who I am
now without my faith in him...
me: i think i will try reading the book of matthew
2:54 PM Annie: You should pray too. Talk to Him...
me: does it help?
Annie: That's the best and only practical advice I could give you.
2:55 PM me: how do you pray? reading certain section from the Bible?
Annie: For me...it was a mystical experience...and still is... I will pray for you as well...
that your eyes be open and your heart be warmed to Him and His Words. Praying
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simply means you talk to God...you don't necessarily be asking him for things...you talk to
him like a father or a friend...as if you're talking to me. Just begin...and He will guide
you...believe in that. This is your purpose, Tam. You needed someone to refer Him to
you... He's reaching out for you!
2:59 PM me: for some reason I feel a lot calmer all of a sudden. Maybe I do have some
religious leaning in me
3:00 PM Annie: You have God in you...we all do...if you have faith even the size of a
mustard seed...you could even move a mountain with that faith...that's how powerful faith
is...Because our society cloud our senses we have lost him along the way...That's why I
like reading 19th Century novels...They usually mention God in their writing.
3:03 PM me: yes i agree with that statement. too much secularism around. interesting
that you could derive faith from old novels. i think it will hard to find any mention of
religion in modern novels. Actually I was going through one of this depressive episodes
last year and it happened that i was reading a John Grisham novel. It turned out to be a
savior for me. The main character was torn and conflicted. He went to St. Michaels in
Maryland and worked in a church and he was exposed to the Bible by the priest. He
prayed and his life was lifted. He felt all his pains and guilts left him. I almost cried when
I read that and I also felt a great relief, but I never tried to follow up. That's one of the
reasons why I live in St. Michaels now.
3:07 PM Annie: "Why shouldn't truth be stranger than Fiction? Fiction, after all, has to
make sense." - Mark Twain. People write...but creativity do not stray too far away from
reality or our own experiences...
Annie: If the Bible and prayer had lifted the character up.. and it also did me...you
should heed it and follow suit.
3:12 PM me: I've been always torn between desires to love and feelings of guilt. I am
also confused between love and physical attraction and always felt that it's the wrong
thing to spoil a relationship with physical desires. I guess that's why I just love to watch
the Korean series which never show anything beyond pure love.
3:13 PM but you are indeed an unusual young woman. i don't know what to make of you.
should i love you or should i put you on a pedestal to worship?
Annie: you don't have to make me anything more than what you know...I'm actually very
simple...neither! To say that you will Love or should Love...is putting yourself up for
failure... And the only person you should put on a pedestal is God. Take care of your
foundation first... Love comes when it's meant to come...but be patient...even the Korean
soaps should have taught you that...they'd go for years not expressing their feelings or
even doing anything about them.
3:16 PM me: come to think of it, that's certainly true. i guess i need to get rid of the
ghosts of the past in me first.
3:17 PM Annie: Yes...that will occur once you go to Him with all your heart...
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me: but if you give yourself to God will you be able to love someone else?
Annie: It is His will...not yours...
3:18 PM me: i guess i don't understand, why should God have any say in who one should
love or not?
Annie: You don't have any control who you fall in love with... Just allow it to take its
course..
me: I guess I am getting addicted to you. Probably I should start my Bible reading soon
to clear my head. Hopefully you won't have to spend so much time with me and I will be
able to stand on my own without leaning on you so much. OK thanks a bunch. Do we talk
tonight?
Annie: Hey...I passed the torch to you... I'll be around though. Let's not plan it... and
see..
3:22 PM me: ok I will try not to bother you but if I do please talk to me
Annie: you don't bother me, Tam
me: ok bye for now
Annie: Good bye, Tam. Have a pleasant afternoon.

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Reaching the Climax

I was so happy and giddy in the last couple of day I could barely sleep. We have gotten to know
each other better and better. She had seen my troubled past and my unstable emotional state but
she was there helping me, lending me a hand. She was level headed, calm and understanding.
She had a big heart and she was courageous, not afraid of speaking her mind. It's rare for me to
hear anybody talk about religion and God, not on the third day meeting someone who may or may
not share her beliefs. Annie, whether you know it or not, I love you. I just don't think I love
you, I know I love you.
I spent several hours online researching the Bible and the Book of Matthew. I found a version in
wikipedia that had a lot of useful links and references. I started reading a couple of paragraphs.
Frankly the stuff was just too dry. I wondered when my moment of transformation would arrive
if all I did was reading this. Sitting around listlessly with random thought running through my
head, I sent Annie the following short message. In retrospect this might have been the fatal
blunder that spelled doom to my relationship with Annie. It's a spur of the moment, done
impulsively without any forethought. But that's me, when I am in love I am completely blind.
I turn my mind off and allow my senses to take over. I would do things without thinking or
anticipating how others would react to them. I could not think about anything with Annie's
smiling face filling up my head completely. Besides I never trust my mind would know anything
about my heart
Wednesday April 11, 9:45PM
Subject: Book of Matthew
Annie: I found the online version of Book of Matthew:
http://bible.tmtm.com/wiki/Book_of_Matthew

I've gone through a couple of pages and it appears to have references to
a lot of Biblical names. I am familiar with many of them but I wonder if
they are relevant to my study? I guess it's too early but I wonder how
I could derive some sort of spiritual inspiration by going this somewhat
dry text? Should I start somewhere else that gets straight to the point?
Or it will require enough time to go over and over a few times before
some appreciation could be developed?

Anyway, I was thinking about what you said earlier this afternoon.
It never dawn on me that perhaps I still harbor some unspoken hope
that somehow we will get back together. That period was painful
and a blur in my memory I wasn't sure what went on. Did she
want to end it or was it just a mistake? I am sure she loved me
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otherwise why would she marry me? Perhaps I was at fault
for not taking care of her needs and tried to cop out too much.

I know it's been some time and we should move on with our lives,
but perhaps I should try to get a confirmation from her whether
there is anything there. If she had moved on with her new life
with a new family then it's one thing, but if she is still by herself
perhaps she is waiting for me. I am thinking about trying to
contact her to see if we could meet and perhaps work things out.
If nothing works then at least I can be satisfied with the finality
of it and don't have to keep wondering and second guessing.
Perhaps it will help me overcome my pains. Perhaps with
her expertise in psychology she could help me with my problems.

I think this might be the best solution before I invest my time in a new spiritual journey.
I picked up my guitar and recorded one of my favorite songs by Trinh Cong Son, a well-known
Vietnamese composer who passed away recently. It was meant for Annie. It said what I'd
wanted to say to her. Annie, I want to be with you for eternity, I want to sing you a lullaby
every night holding your hand to my heart.

Wed April 11, 10:42PM
Subject: A song for you
Annie:
I sang this song for you, one of my favorites by Trinh Cong Son called Ru Em Tung Ngon
Xuan Nong (A lullaby for you in the spring night). I am not a real singer, just for fun
only :-)
Tam
I have been lying in bed with my laptop for several hours trying to read Matthew. I was hoping
for some passages with powerful inspiration such as those by the Dalai Lama, or my recent
favorite spiritual teacher Eckhert Tolle. I was somewhat disappointed. This appeared to be a
long road to salvation.
2:08 AM Annie: Are you awake? Listening to the Chipmunks singing in
Vietnamese...How beautiful...
me: hi u still up? its 2am here
Annie: Of course...this time is not unusual for me. I know...It's late/early for you. I won't
bother you.
me: i didn't want to bother you. was trying to read matthew but since you are here let's
talk
Annie: Sorry...I would have signed on earlier, but I was helping my cousin, Thuy, w/ her
paper. She's the roommate...She's 16
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me: so you feed them and do their homework too? anything you are NOT doing for
them? picking boyfriends?
2:12 AM Annie: I like the song very much...I just wish it didn't sound so Chipmunk-like.
me: chipmunk like?
Annie: I have no control over matters of the heart... although, I am an intricate part in
both their love lives. yes... it sounds funny...I don't think it's supposed to sound this way.
me: not sure how that comes out, it sounds fine here, is there some speed control to be
set? i used itunes to play it
Annie: let me seeno....
me: actually my voice is quite deep it should not sound like a chipmunk, a buffalo
perhaps?
Annie: oh.. it's really you singing.. wait...let me download it instead of playing it. Got
it... I love it. You play the guitar!
me: do i still sound like a chipmunk?
Annie: Thuy is listening too! Not at all...I love it!
me: yes i play guitar for many years, starting out with classical but couldn't afford the 3-
4 hours a day drills so i switched to popular music. could you understand the lyrics? it's
beautiful. trinh cong son is the most talented composer of VN
Annie: I'm impressed! Not Pham Duy?
me: he should be world famous but VN was so poor and at war he got no recognition.
2:18 AM Annie: I play Pham Duy's songs... I will look him up...
2:19 AM me: PD is the other, but I think PD music is too cerebral. He got his training in
France hence his composition sounds mechanical at times. TCS music is so naturally
flowing he wrote hundreds of songs and none are the same and they are all beautiful. In
VN people love TCS he died 6 years ago and people were crying in the streets, very
uncommon for a country like VN where musicians don't have the same celebrity status as
in the west. you play on the dan tranh?
Annie: yes.
me: mp3?
2:21 AM Annie: no...
me: yes?
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Annie: I don't know how to record myself... except with a video camera..
me: that's even better
Annie: not!
2:22 AM me: put it on youtube for me please
Annie: I don't think so...
me: please pretty please
Annie: Now, you wouldn't want me to have an even larger following would you? Well,
not tonight anyway. Thuy just went to bed. I would need someone to record for me
while I play and sing. You seem wide awake?
me: Thuy can do that. any other excuses?
Annie: What time do you need to get up? Thuy can...but she just went to bed.
: i get when i get up, which is quite early. my mind is racing around these days very
stressful. tomorrow is fine also i can wait
Annie: take deep breaths and calm down...set your mind up for calmness.
me: i was wondering about matthew. i never knew the way it's written was so arcane,
could not really connect
Annie: It is...and the King James version is even more arcane than the other
translations... however, it's the most accurate version.
2:26 AM me: so why KJ? i need something easy just to get started
Annie: no, Tam... Understanding will be granted to you. Just be patient. I couldn't read
it for a long time... But I had no choice but to be patient.
2:27 AM me: once i understood it then i can do the hard stuff, it's like a kindergarten
version is what i need. at what page does it become interesting? i am wide awake trying
to figure out why they list all the names and who is related to who
Annie: You are so funny. Tam...please....please... have some patience...
2:29 AM me: you seem big on PATIENCE. i go by my impulses and impulses don't seem
to be compatible with patience
Annie: well, they don't go hand in hand that's for sure. I've been working on my
impulses lately....
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2:30 AM me: i think i am willing to give it a try. i do believe that it will bring me
something new. you have impulses too? you are so much under control, not a trace of
impulse
2:31 AM Annie: If it was 6 months ago...I would have searched for a plane tix to see you
by now. brb
me: you meant before you went through your own revelation?
2:33 AM Annie: It was after I went through my own revelation...that I began
reflecting...that I began slowing down...and began changing some of my ways....
2:34 AM me: Annie you know i am a mess could be very bad for you until some further
reconstruction. through trials like these, these weaknesses start to come out and i think i
will try to do something about it
Annie: So...after my revelations...but before my application of patience...
2:36 AM Annie: Just read your email. Was the writing on impulse as well?
me: what do you think? i think it's better for me to confront this
Annie: Tam, think clearly about this.... I will not contribute any input to this...This is a
decision you should rationally make on your own.
2:38 AM me: in a way this is very easy, chances are she's married with a couple of kids
to boot. i guess i need to find an excuse to see her, maybe kill the husband. just kidding
Annie: i know...
me: but i do want to resolve this
Annie: You are still holding on.
2:39 AM me: i wasn't there when it happened now i want to be told what happened then
2:40 AM Annie: Would it help you? Truly? "With knowledge comes sorrow"
me: she needs to tell me something, i am pretty sure it was my fault not to take care of
her needs well enough
Annie: If you are so sure...then why ask?
2:41 AM me: i guess it wouldn't change anything now, would it?
Annie: I don't know Tam. Besides God, you know yourself best. Maybe instead of
chatting with me...you should just pray...
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2:42 AM me: i guess i don't know what i am trying to achieve with this. god is a stranger
to me at this point. at least i know you and you are a woman, you should be able to give
me some idea. put yourself in her shoes and tell me how you would react if i show up
Annie: In the end...it's either a yay or nay...yes or no...no middle ground....gain your
footing and go either left or right... I am not her. I am different from her...from what
you've described.
2:44 AM me: but you are a woman so wouldn't you react in the same way?
Annie: I can better be compared w/ another man than most women at times.
No Tam...don't let my opinions affect you...I won't let you...
2:45 AM me: let's see, i show up and if she has a husband and/or kids then i just leave
right?
Annie: Ponder and make a decision!
me: so that part is easy
Annie: So you've already made a decision to show up?
me: now if she is single still then what do i do? no i am just contemplating and i am
planning out my strategy. even if she's not married maybe she does not remember me any
more. i don't know
Annie: Tam...I will not give you my opinion on this matter. This is a big step for
you...you must not rely on another person to help you make this decision...in your
heart...seems like you know what you want...but remember what we want is not
necessarily the better alternative for us...
me: i want to have a closure on this so i can move on
Annie: Think this through...
2:49 AM me: i don't know how long for KJ Matthew to kick in, should i sit around until i
feel better?
Annie: Reading the Bible and praying may be the more productive act for you to
perform at this point in your life. I wouldn't call it "sitting around". FYI: I will have to
sign off soon.
me: how long did it take for you to feel better? 6 months, a year?
2:51 AM Annie: I submerge my whole mind and soul into the Bible. It's irrelevant how
long it took me to feel better... You should not compare.
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me: you need to go to bed? sorry let's not talk about this anymore, let's talk about
something else. sorry i didn't mean to upset you
2:52 Annie: no... my roommate's on her way home from work... she just called...she
brought some snacks for us. She's been wanting to spend more time with me. I'm
definitely not upset. stop making assumptions.
2:53 AM me: ok, don't want to monopolize your time mother hen. yes i am big on
ASSUMPTIONS, that's what i've been told i guess men in general make a lot of
assumptions, don't they?
2:54 AM Annie: no...people in general do! I'm almost done with this Chinese soap...so
good.
2:55 AM me: ok Annie, leave whenever you need to. i still need to do some thinking if you
are here it's better but i don't want to hold you up. thien long hiep khach? if you could
understand the dubbed vnese then you can converse in vnese too, can't you. it's good that
you can understand vnese but can't speak well, i would have an upper hand. bye
Annie: thanks for reminding me...Good night!
me: till tomorrow. hasta manana
2:58 AM Annie: till tomorrow. chao anh
me: chao em? chao cung?
Annie: either way is fine. bye, for now.
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Nearing the end

The end was near. I could feel it. I could not keep go on chatting with Annie everyday for
hours. It's becoming an addiction. Everything else was a blur, receding to the background.
Only Annie's face was there, filling up my mind, every waking hour, even in my dreams. I was
walking around like a corpse, head in the cloud. I would look at the surrounding and saw
nothing. I would be in meetings, or sit in front of my computer at work but my mind was
somewhere else. I was not thinking about anything in particular, I wasn't dreaming about a
future with Annie. I was afraid to think about any possibility. I was filled with a deep yearning
to be with her, an incessant longing that kept tugging at my heart it literally hurt.
I could see things were spinning out of control. I had known nothing good could come out of
this. There was no way we could get together anytime soon. She barely knew me for a couple of
days. But I am already in it very deep with you Annie. You probably wouldn't know and
couldn't imagine it. Well, let's go on for another day, and let's stay sane and rational.
Thursday April 12
th
.
12:46 PM Annie: "In a house, on a hill, by a lake..."
12:47 PM me: hi hon. it's only a couple of hours ago but i miss you already :-(
Annie: Listening to Colourfield...this song is so nice.. Good morning! or should I say
afternoon? Oh please....
12:48 PM me: no really... but i need to get out of this mode, it's bad
Annie: Btw, I don't like any of those nick names.... Hon, Babe, Sweetheart.... What
mode?
me: yes i know just teasing you, those drip with goo. you know the emotional attachment
mode. i think i am much cooler when i don't need anybody
Annie: That's what I'm currently training myself... To not be dependent in others...
me: life's much simpler that way
Annie: Yes...but you could be with a woman and still be that way.
12:51 PM me: my head is now filled with one thing, i am obsessive, that's why i need
balance
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Annie: "obsessive"...I am currently obsessive w/ music.
12:52 PM me: i think obsessive is a characteristic trait of trung people
Annie: There you go again!
me: no, really
Annie: putting stigmas on us.
me: i am half trung you know, i think that's where my obsessive trait comes from.
obsessive, obstinate, deep feelings. those are the key characteristics of trung people.
don't you notice them in yourself and your parents
Annie: now...are you sure it's heredity? hmmm... I'll have to think about that.
me: yes you will come this view at some point after being exposed to enough different
regions of vnese. bac people: polite, somewhat insincere, good talker, good singer
bac girl is also khe'o (clever) in her speech but get a real sharp tongue. if you cross her
you are dead by her sharp words
Annie: sounds like me!
me: that's why i got mistaken. maybe you have some bac blood in you?
12:57 PM Annie: no! I don't think so.
me: trung girl has a soft and tranquil outside but pent up feelings inside
she has very strong emotion and once it explodes there is nothing to stop it
Annie: sounds like me too.
12:58 PM me: but when she is angry and hurt everybody better runs for cover
wow now you are a lethal combination of both bac and trung
Annie: I know my ex used to be very afraid when I get upset.
me: i am not sure i know how to handle this combination. i've got to think of new
countermeasures
12:59 PM Annie: He'd say...."Give me my Amorzinho back..." He calls me that....still
does. In Portuguese...it means "Little Love" I was very small compared to him...he was
6'4'' We made an odd looking couple. funny!
me: wonder how you guys get around, was it not convenient most of the time to be with
such a tall person?
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Annie: so what counter-measures do you have in mind?
me: i know how to deal with gai bac and gai trung but not at the same time. also gai
trung when she's jealous, one's got hell to pay.
Annie: True. Although...I don't get jealous easily...
1:02 PM me: that's the problem, slow simmering fire. i know i am trung too
Annie: When I used to show any signs of jealousy to him...he would be so happy.
me: me too but that's just like playing with fire, i don't dare try it too often
1:03 PM Annie: Even after I found out about him and the girl...when the dust did
settle...I was able to talk to him about her...but in very deep pain.
me: is she argentinian also?
Annie: Yes.. We got used to the height difference, although it bothered me at first.
1:04 PM me: i think it's easier to handle these types of issue if both partners are of the
same race, don't you agree?
Annie: Additionally, he's blonde hair, blue eyes...very German looking. With a think
heavy accent...people could never guess we were together.
1:05 PM me: it's a miracle that you were able to keep a guy like that for 9 years, must be
a lot of trouble
Annie: We would have had the most beautiful children. Trouble? No.. His mind killed
our relationship. more so, than the woman. He started getting depressed...reading a lot of
nonsense philosophy books...I thought....
me: why did he do that?
1:07 PM Annie: I joke around about it now with him. Artur always had a thirst for
Philosophy and History... He often read on these two subjects for fun.
me: i guess he probably has some german blood
Annie: His dad says differently. no German blood. But he looks like one. no...his
ancestors are from Portugal. Most Germans, who had escaped WWII reside in the
Southern part of Argentina and Brazil.
me: PM right that's why i thought it might have been german which has a pretty large
population there. i like history but philosophy is mostly bunk
1:09 PM Annie: I don't think Philosophy is bunk...it just depends on how one applies
it...and absorb it mentally...it's easily misunderstood, I think.
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1:10 PM me: yes that was just a broad brush, but some philosophies are pure bunk
(existentialism, dialectic materialism, modern deconstructionism) I think if you
appreciate the Bible then you would agree with me. Nihilism is the opposite of religion
You know the rate we are going i am afraid we have to get married some time. i can't
stand this
1:12 PM Annie: what? That was rather sudden. How come it didn't work out with the
two girls in TX and SF?
me: don't really know i have to think about it. it's the 4th day isn't it. i am just planning
ahead, let's see where we are on the 7th day
1:13 PM Annie: You're getting ahead of yourself. So, do you do any casual dating?
Like...going to dinners with someone on occasion.
1:14 PM me: yes i know, way ahead of myself i don't think you approve either but then i
would like to dream about it. if one dreams hard enough about it then it might become
reality. can we go on casual date some time as a start? let me check my schedule and
perhaps we could arrange something for may?
Annie: 1:15 PM From across the continent? Hmmm... My brother is coming in
May... end of May...My cousin is coming mid-may... It's not dreaming...it's about
praying...and this is the last time I will say that to you.
me: yes i know i am still learning about praying but still on page 4 as of last night
Annie: laughing.
me: so june, july, august? i might have gone complete nut by then
Annie: Check your schedule, Tam. Let me know. I'm pretty flexible.
1:18 PM me: sorry i am not in a very good state this morning, not functioning normally
so please don't take this conversation to seriously, i am somehow floating and feeling
fuzzy (no drugs)
Annie: You take drugs? I mean legal drugs.
me: no none whatsoever except for tylenols when i have a headache. i don't smoke, no
strange stuff for me. except for wine and beer i am pretty harmless
Annie: I smoke...on occasion.
me: haha you do, really?
Annie: yes...not cigs though..
me: i've never met a vietnamese woman who smokes
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Annie: only the natural stuff. I don't know too many who do either. Well, not maryjane
anyway... I know plenty VNmese who smokes cigs though.
1:21 PM me: i understand smoking cigars is somewhat like drinking hard liquor, you
could get drunk
Annie: I don't know about cigars. I meant cigarettes.
1:22 PM me: oh yes plenty of vietnamese men smoke cigarettes. i don't smoke but don't
mind people smoking
Annie: I don't either...
me: but you have an occasional puff here and there?
1:23 PM Annie: Yes...
me: what for?
Annie: I'll tell you what's ideal for me...
1:25 PM Take a hike on the beautiful golden hills of California...get to the top...get off
the trail....find a tree with rock sitting beside it...under the shade looking down at the
valley...smoking a joint...watching the hawk fly by...the squirrels stare and SILENCE!
me: joint? as in marijuana? really? i've never tried one
Annie: not a sound from man! Just silence. yes! marijuana!
me: just by yourself or with someone else
1:26 PM Annie: You were not exposed in college? either...doesn't matter.
But my ex and I used to do that...and we wouldn't speak a word to each other. It was
good times...
me: no none of these in engineering schools. but if you've tried and nothing bad happens
then i guess it's not really a drug. where do you go in the LA area?
1:27 PM Annie: I like it. One cannot get addicted. what do you mean?
me: i meant hiking and sitting on a rock
Annie: Where? We are surrounded by hills...But not in LA.
There's Sequoia nat'l park. There's sunol trails...
me: ok that's a good place to be, kinda windy at times and somewhat desolate
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1:29 PM Annie: I enjoy it! Yes...windy sometimes...but not in the summers.
1:31 PM me: Annie, you've seen how i could get out of hand sometimes, i guess i don't
know when to stop and just let my senses drive me so any time you feel what i say or do is
inappropriate please tell me. i am not an unreasonable person, just that talking to you
just really roils my system, i don't feel like i am in control of my state of mind
1:32 PM Annie: I'm not a balance then, for you. I don't want you to get that
way because of me.. not fair..
me: not at this point, i think i need to calm down a little. maybe i haven't been in this
situation for some time so i am not used to how to deal with it
1:34 PM Annie: okay Tam...lets do this... Let's keep our correspondences purely email
based. Until you strengthen.
1:35 PM me: how do i know when?
Annie: You would know... I can't answer that for you. Find a peace of mind.... Figure it
out, Tam.
1:37 PM me: don't know what it is, i haven't been like this for a long time. i am sitting
here but my body is like floating. maybe it wants to be with you.
1:38 PM Annie: that's not good. you could easily be like this with anyone.
me: i must admit it's bad. i think i will have to agree to what you say, but let's do that
tonight then
Annie: what if you become like this to a woman who takes advantage of your
weaknesses?
me: i don't know what you mean
Annie: Don't open another can of worms for yourself. Your emotional state could be
trampled over even more with somebody who doesn't care for you... so be careful...
me: i don't think so i think i am just truly deeply attracted to you. you are so cute and
your words make me feel so comfortable and happy. i don't know if this happened to me
before with other women
Annie: Some women are with very unpure hearts. You don't need that.
me: i haven't met one with unpure hearts. you mean one with some other motives
Annie: Good for you... I know plenty... and they're VNmese too. Especially in SJ and
Orange Cnty.
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1:42 PM me: just that when i am in a deep relationship with someone i go completely
blind. i don't see anything else except her (you). what do these girls in SJ and OC
want?
1:43 PM Annie: most of us do, Tam. Just do your best to clear your eyes...be
aware...breathe deeply and think!
me: are they looking for doctor husbands?
Annie: They are very materialistic.
me: you mean like cars, houses and nails, hairdos and clothing and boob jobs, stuff like
that?
Annie: yes! funny! boob jobs!
me: why do people do this?
1:45 PM Annie: If I had money, it wouldn't be mine for long. People do this because of
the media...conformity...low self-image...they esteem to look just like the girl next to them.
me: i don't think it can help it. you have been going from 50 to 80% of the space in my
head. what am i to do?
Annie: We halt our correspondences now.
1:53 PM me: do you think it's too draconian to cut back on my correspondence with you?
Annie: let me think... I don't know... but maybe it would be better for you.
me: you know there is an easier solution
Annie: because we've already established that it's not good for you to be like this talking
to me. I'm afraid to hear of your solution.
me: just hear me out
Annie: k
me: 2 days ago you were 50% of my headspace. today you are 80%, so by this weekend
it will be about 90%, correct?
Annie: I don't know...you tell me.
me: well that's because it's not a straight line but an exponentially decaying curve, the
further out the rate of filling slows down significantly. that is, in a month it will be about
95% and not 200%
Annie: uh huh...
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me: but we also know that if my headspace is 100% with you then i am in big trouble,
right?
1:58 PM Annie: I already think 50% is trouble.
me: well i am at 80% and I am still talking to you somewhat sanely so it proves that
things are still going ok up to now
1:59 PM Annie: okay I don't see what you're getting at.
me: just hear me out, be PATIENT. I am presenting to you a very rational case of what
makes sense. By the end of this you will agree with me totally, yes?
2:00 PM Annie: I don't know...still patiently waiting for the end.
me: ok fine let me proceed. Dear. Ok, so you said let's cut back because that would
bring it back down below 50%, correct? But you know the side effect is it might just
explode. So most doctors would tell you that you need soft landing. we have to guide the
process to a soft landing to avoid catastrophic damages (just kidding, I am still sane, I
am not going crazy yet, and even if I am crazy it's about you) and the way to do that is to
let the expansion from 80 to 95 take place gently in the next month with daily dosages of
appropriate interaction. i promise i will try not to act impulsively. then in may let's find
some appropriate time for me to visit you. who knows, we might be married in june.
Annie: just kidding.. I'll say that for you. Tam...
me: by then if it's 100% then i still be fine
Annie: I don't think so... we should be harsh on you. It's only when you are put in a very
uncomfortable state...you will seek other means to "rescue" yourself. I'm definitely not
ready for marriage...
me: why? you have something about marriage within a short time?
Annie: and it doesn't work out because i haven't invested sufficient time to get to know
someone.. it might end up in divorce again.
me: how do you if it does work or not?
Annie: it's to important to me to be "forever" with my husband. I cannot afford another
heartbreak. Marriage too soon in the relationship. There's more to it but I don't want to
get into it right now.
2:14 PM me: OK I tried but i do love and respect you so you decide what and when is the
right time. i think that's probably better for everyone. i guess it's simpler for me. if my
feelings tell me something i trust them completely and do it but i think the world is a lot
more complicated.
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2:15 PM Annie: Tam....it's dangerous to completely trust your feelings...even they
change...and even they are deceitful... It's the conflict between our needs and desires.
2:16 PM me: well it's beyond just feelings, i mean more like my senses i don't trust my
head, i trust my senses.
Annie: Tam...I don't think I feel nearly the same way...please don't take this the wrong
way...I don't want you to be hurt. I enjoy our conversations....but it's too soon to be
having conversations like this...
me: no i understand. let me back off. i agree this is probably too soon. i promise i won't
bring it up again. whenever you feel appropriate let me know
Annie: thank you... meanwhile, I do think we should slow down.
me: i guess it's good that you are like what you are. otherwise there will be two
impulsive persons
Annie: yeah...and that would be disastrous.
me: how do you want to slow down?
2:20 PM Annie: let's begin by restricting our correspondences to email. Chatting takes
up a lot of our time.. I haven't' been able to focus on other things...myself...I know you
haven't as well.
me: ok
2:21 PM Annie: you're okay with that?
me: yes. one question though
Annie: yes?
me: do you think we will be married in one year?
Annie: no!
2:22 PM me: what? two?
Annie: Again...no! I don't know. Two is a possibility... But I don't know.
I don't look out that far... take it one day at a time.
me: so what am i supposed to do until then? two years is a long time
2:23 PM Annie: I just know that a year is not plausible. Date around, Tam.
me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
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Annie: Locally! You're pouting like a kid.
me: no are you pushing me out
2:24 PM Annie: ? calm down...
me: i think it should spend more time reading KJ
Annie: think about what you are doing again. yes!
me: i think the real solution for this all is for me to marry you asap. but i know that's not
possible
Annie: not a solution of mutuality..
me: please help me stay sane until then
Annie: I cannot be the one, Tam...You must turn to God...
2:26 PM me: actually i think if i have enough sleep and calm down i will be a lot
rationale. i will try not to behave like this. sorry
Annie: it's okay... let's end here...
me: bye
2:27 PM Annie: later, Tam.
me: yes until the next email. i think cutting back on you appears to be the only available
solution. i already miss you. sigh
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Our last correspondences

Wow this had been very tough on me. Suddenly the world was yanked out underneath. It's like
Aladdin riding on the magic carpet and then poof, nothing below. Could no longer fly around
looking down on the world. Haven't talked to Annie for several hours now. I am still doing OK.
Thursday, April 12 5:54PM
Subject: quick question
Annie: Actually this works well, I feel a little better already. I will try reading the Bible
instead of thinking about you in the next couple of days.

One quick question for you: I am really concerned. I think emotionally I am not very
mature. Are you OK with that? It's hard for me to be calm and collected all the time. I
don't want this behavior to push you away from me.

But why did you tell me to go dating? If there is any date, it will be with you only.
No response from Annie for several hours now. She's probably trying to keep me in check. I was
heading out for my Taekwondo class. Hadn't gone to one for the whole week. A couple of hours
at dojang would do me a great deal of good. I am mad a you Annie for putting me through this
strict diet.
Thursday, Apr 12, 2007 10:03 PM
Subject: I just came back from TaeKwonDo
and I am feeling great! I am back to my own self, happy and carefree. I was there for
two hours straight, beating up on these young girls with vengeance! It really relieved all
my frustration and stress. Ah... haven't felt so good for the whole week since I fell under
your spell on Sunday. Just now I realized I haven't gone to TKD for the whole week, and
I was walking around like a corpse. But no more. I may look weak emotionally but no
one has ever owned me before. Bach Nga was the only who hurt me so, but I will deal
with that in due time one way or another.

Annie: You are now back to 10% of my headspace and you will stay there. You will
grow only as a mutually agreed upon friendship or companionship whatever you want it
to be. I won't let you take over my head anymore. I will be watching carefully.

I told you the Hue women are easy to approach but hard to get inside. I had my own
experience before while I was in college. This really smart and beautiful woman was a
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grad student in the Math department. She shared many of your traits, smart, easy going,
funny and approachable. Guys in school were falling left and right around her. I was
the only one who survived and not that she didn't try to put me under her spell. I went
along with her mnage for over half a year and she finally walked away in frustration.
Hah.

Annie: you don't know me, I am very proud and I have my self-respect, I'd rather not
have you than become a weakling obsessed with you all the time. It will not happen
again ever. I haven't been in any serious relationship for a long time and I was
completely awestruck when we met, but now I am wide awake and I will approach you
carefully and will not spill my guts for you to look at anymore.

I still like you and still would like to love you when the time comes but it will be mutual,
not this crazy one-sided thing that's been going on. I know you are a strong rational
intelligent person, but at some point you must let your heart guide you. You've just been
out of a long relationship and you are careful, I understand that. But if you think back,
did you and Artur take two years to fall in love? For me if it takes more than a couple
weeks or months then it's probably not love but some type of measured calculated
arrangement for someone's sake.

So at this point I feel that maybe I am not the one who is not ready, but you are. When
you are ready to move let me know. But I need a clear signal, I don't like to second
guess. I am tired of sitting here and wondering where I am. I want this to be clear and
clean. I want you to be the young person who falls in love the first time. Though that's
hard and not something easy to ask, but if you are still in pain and in doubt because of
your relationship with Artur, I understand. Let me know when you are ready. I am
always ready to love you but I will not be waiting around forever. I'd rather walk away
empty handed than being in this one-sided relationship with no clear indication where
things are heading.

Tam
Next morning. Friday the 13
th
, is this a sign from heaven that today is destined to be a very
unlucky day for me? I hadn't slept a wink last night. Kept waiting online for Annie. I was at
work at 8AM.
Friday, April 13 8:40AM
Subject: Re: I just came back from Taekwondo
Annie: I've been thinking about your question why it didn't work out with the women in
Austin and San Francisco. I will tell you later. I would like to clean up my past and
start a serious relationship with you. So anything you have concerns or questions let me
know.

Tam
OK Annie, I know you are probably mad at me. But going through with the Bible is tough, it's
gonna be a long way before I can be a stable enlightened person that you would accept. Please
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let me go through with my quick fix. One way or another, I would like to put this behind me so I
could get back to you.
Friday, April 13 9:19AM
Subject: Re: Re: I just came back from Taekwondo
Annie:

I've been thinking. While I was trying to answer you about why it didn't work out for me
with the women in Austin and SF, I realized that I could not have a relationship without
all the pains I went through with Bach Nga. What I am going to do is to try to contact
her again. Through a mutual friend, I was told that she is now in Stockton somewhere in
Northern California (why would anyone wants to live there) and she got married to an
American lawyer but she was divorced about two years ago. So looks like my chance is
there to return to her. It may or may not work out but I think this seems to be the only
way for me to move on with my life. I think I need to let you know.

Honestly, I feel that the I really love you. I haven't felt like this for a very long long
time. But I know it's not going to work out unless I've dealt with my problems. I
appreciate your advice about the Bible. But that will take time to go through to become
spiritual. I don't know if I have the patience and tranquility in my heart to go through
with that
journey.

So to be fair to you, I don't think I should continue to put you through another ordeal
and pressure. I was happy, very happy and giddy for the last couple of days but I've
always known that's really not myself. When I am happy I am carefree, not tormented
and scared like in the last couple of days.

I don't know. I wish I had met you before, when we could have fell in love without the
ghosts of the past intruding on us. I guess it's probably too much for us to ask for a clean
pure relationship since we are not young anymore. I deeply regret this but then time
waits for no one. I will save a corner of my heart for you, cu+ng.

Tam
Where is Annie? Haven't heard a word from her for almost a day now. It hurt inside me. I
dragged myself downstairs and recorded another song for her. It's "If You Go Away", quite
appropriate for the occasion. I was not in a good physical and mental shape and could not even
sing the lyrics properly. I hope she listens to this and knows how I feel. [Link to
ifyougoaway.mp3.]
Friday, April 13, 10:15PM
Subject: will you?
Annie:

Will you give me some time to deal with my problems? I am arranging to fly to Oakland
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some time next week to see Bach Nga. One way or another I want to put this behind so I
can live my life. Please understand. I don 't have any future without confronting this
past of mine.

Please listen to this song. I sang for you. It says what I want to say to you.

Tam
I dragged myself out of the house to go to the Dojang. I was in a complete daze. Could not
concentrate and didn't even call the class session to bow to the masters. It was embarrassing.
The 60
th
birthday of Grand Master Jung was tomorrow and everyone at the dojang was
attending. All except me. I was completely withdrawn, no interest in anything, not even my
duty as a black belt at the dojang. For god's sake, where are you Annie?
Friday, April 13, 10:41PM
Subject: unfortunately
Taekwondo didn't work for me today. I was sparring with this Japanese girl who has your
smile. I was in a daze and got kicked in the stomach. I was down and out of the game.
Your face keeps popping up in my head now and then. I am trying to hold it down to
30% and losing...

God help me.
Another sleepless night. My laptop was on next to me. I woke up occasionally to check.
Nothing. Nothing at all. I didn't need to get up as I wasn't sleeping anyway. Dead tired and
exhausted. So tired. I think I am heading to a familiar place.
Saturday, April 14, 10:27AM
Subject: hello
Annie:

I have been on my knees praying for the last hour. I've decided that I could not wait for
the Bible. Please pray for me. I would like to live like a normal person.

Tam
The prayer session really helped. It's Saturday morning. The sky was clear and sunny. I was
looking out the window from my second floor flat overlooking the busy street. Still too early for
the tourists, but the flowers were blooming and everything was ready for them. The streets were
still empty and quiet, just like my soul. The nagging feelings kept me off balanced for the rest
of the morning. I needed to talk to Annie. Hopefully she's still reading my email.
Saturday, April 14, 1:26PM
Subject: Annie please read this
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Dear Annie:

It's the third time I cried in the last seven years. Didn't have much sleep last night. I was
drifting about and ended up falling asleep next to my laptop. I woke up at 6 this morning,
feeling dizzy and tired. I felt desperate and lost. A familiar feeling, I thought I knew
where I was heading, my surrounding was closing in on me. Yes, I'd been here before.

I was desperate I got on my knees and prayed for the first time as an adult. I went to
nun's school in VN. We prayed everyday in French but I never cared or understood what
it meant. My parents were non-practicing Buddhists and religion was never a big thing
in our family. When I came to this country I went to Catholic school just because my
parents always felt they gave a much better education. Then I got a scholarship to go to
Catholic University. I aced all my religion classes, from Buddhism, Taoism, and
Hinduism, to Zoroastrian, Judaism, Islam and Christianity. Five semesters worth of
religious study to graduate. But I never really felt religion in my heart.

All the women I dated were Catholic (just coincidental I didn't choose it that way) except
for Bach Nga, my ex. My first serious relationship in college was with a Trung Catholic
girl. We almost got married but my parents were against marrying a Catholic so that
went away. I was young and didn't really appreciate the love relationship and didn't
even try to fight then.

The first time I cried was when I ended my marriage. The second was last year when I
read the John Grisham novel. I'd had two broken relationships since my divorce. The
Hue woman in Austin was a liberal arts senior at UT Austin. We lived together for
almost a year and a half. Her name was Ton Nu Quynh Ha and I knew her as Renee
Nguyen.

She was a very nice person, very caring and understanding. She is a Trung girl, very
stubborn and would not give up in any fight. She took care of me well. One time I had
some infection and my back were full of sores with pusses oozing out. She cleaned them
for me everyday. She taught me how to cook (I only remember a few dishes) and we went
hiking and camping around the Austin lakes many times.

She was aware of my emotional instabilities but thought they were benign. I thought so
too. Then something happened and triggered my depression, some mutual friend of
Bach Nga and I turned up and reminisced the past time in Princeton. It got worse and
worse. There were times in bed when I kept mistaking her for my ex. Soon afterwards she
packed up and left me without saying goodbye.

The relationship with the women in SF was short-lived. Her name is Ngoc Bich but she
went by Jade. She was a friend of Bach Nga way back in Princeton. I used to know her
well. We dated for about 3 months and we knew it could not work out. She was very
jealous and we could not carry on a conversation without ending up in a fight, mostly
about my relationship with my ex.

I was aware of my problem. I stayed away from any dating for a long time. I was happy
just to go to work and got involved in other activities including Taekwondo. My life was
settling down to a pretty regular routine. I read a lot of novels. John Grisham and
Michael Crichton are my two favorite authors. Last year I read one of Grisham novels I
told you about. That was the reason I ended up in St Michaels.
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For the past several months I have been pretty much addicted to Korean movies. They
made me so happy and they really woke up my heart. The ladies were so pretty and
good natured, the love so pure and selfless. I thought I was ready to rejoin the world. I
had started to see people. But at my age and my set routine, it was hard for me to even
find a Vietnamese woman who would be interested, let alone someone that I think
I could fall for.

Annie, do you think that it's fate that we met? I knew I screwed up so many times, even
afraid of having a good relationship. Somehow I knew it would end up in a disaster one
way or another. Please forgive me.

This mooring I was desperate. I thought I was heading toward one of my episodes. I
fell down and I prayed, for a first time in my life. I didn't know what to say. My prayer
was simple: "God, please save me. Please give me strength. Please forgive me." That
was all I could say and I repeated them in my mind over and over again. For a moment
I felt this really strange state. I felt like a great burden was lifted from my shoulder.
This knot in my chest that I have felt for so long appeared to loosen up. I was neither
happy nor sad, just a state of serenity but tears kept rolling down. I was exhausted and
just wanted to rest.

I felt a lot better when I am writing this to you. Why is your name Anne, why are you a
Catholic, why are you Trung Ky? Why did we meet on line at this moment? Do you
think it's fate?

I certainly don't know. At this point I think I've done my share of mistakes to probably
permanently damage this relationship with you. I don't know what to do to ask you to
come back. Perhaps you could be my friend and my guide through this tough spot? I
will start praying for 30 minutes a day but that's all I know what to say to God. Do you
have any prayer that I could use?

And thank you Annie. You seem to have appeared at the right moment. I didn't know I
was in such a dangerous situation. I thought I could get over my past and venture out
again. Please pray for me. I will do my part. I hope with a week of prayer my
overwhelming desire to love will subside.

Tam
Another dreadful night. I wasn't sleeping. I surfed the web, I looked at various stuff online.
Every few minutes I would check my gmail account to see if there was something from Annie.
Nothing, just some random notes from friends and hello's from Vietnamese women looking for a
mate. I heard a chime from my laptop with a chat session from Annie. I rolled over and crushed
the laptop, cracking it. The electronic components were bursting out of the black plastic casing
dropping everywhere on the floor. I was trying to hold on to my chat session with Annie. Annie
Annie, did you read my email? I woke up on the floor sweating profusely. It was just a dream.
What do I do today? How am I going to get through today? I couldn't recall. That evening,
another attempt to reach Annie.
Sunday, April 15, 7:42PM
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Subject: hello
Annie:

Are you there? I miss you so much it hurts inside.

Whatever I did wrong please let me know. I had my 30 minutes praying session this
morning. Need another one tonight. Could not stop thinking about you. Last night I
had my laptop on hoping you would send me something. I was so happy you did but I
woke up and it was only in my dream.

Tam
I was dozing off on the couch. I kept repeating my prayer. "God please save me. Please give
me strength. Please forgive me." I kept saying it over and over for over half an hour. I felt a
lot better. Exhaustion came over me. Thank God there was something for me to hang on to.
Sunday, April 15, 10:48PM
Subject: im better
Hi Annie:

Just finished my prayer session. I am feeling much better now. I still don't know how to
pray more than saying my simple lines. I couldn't get past page 8 of Matthew. Actually I
am very familiar with the Bible stories but somehow I fail to appreciate the spiritual
dimension of Matthew so far. I will read on.

In the last few days, I've realized that I have been so wrong. I guess I wasn't ready to get
out of my cocoon and explore the world again.

I don't plan to see Bach Nga anymore. It was just false hope. There is no way this could
ever work out.

I won't bother you anymore. Please do not feel the burden. I only have thanks to have
met you. Thank you for being who you are, and thank you for telling me to pray. I guess
I will settle down with my daily praying routine from now on. I think this may be the
only way for me to get out of my own mess.

I will hold you dear in my heart. Goodbye and I sincerely wish you all the happiness.
You are a good person and one with spiritual strength. May God grant you what you
look for.

Tam
PS: One last thing: I was looking at your pictures. You look cute and happy. I just
realized that part of my pain and longing was because I wanted you so much. Now I also
realize that as long as I do not hold such a desire to possess you then I could look at
your happy face and smile again. So I guess I finally feel quite relieved, and I am sorry
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for causing you so much troubles. This relationship could have been a great happiness
for me, but not with me in the current shape. Bye
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Epilogue: Arriving at my way station

It's been the strangest week of my life. Felt just like I took a trip to somewhere and just returned
home. But nothing felt the same anymore. That's what Frodo said when he returned to the
Shire. Except he saved the world from total destruction. I hoped I'd saved myself from self
destruction.
I have been checking my email for several days now for any trace of Annie. It's getting to the
point where I didn't expect to see anything anymore. I still have a lot of questions for her. I
know I must have made some serious mistakes that hurt her feelings. Still I am blind and I am
ignorant, I don't know exactly what happened. Probably if I have the record of everything here
then in due time, I will snap out of my daze and be more introspective in my search for the
answers.
I still miss Annie dearly everyday. I am counting the days and hope that I would wake up some
day without thinking about her anymore. I think this will work. I am planning to keep a list of
how much of my headspace she is taking up. I should be able to make a graph. It should look
like an exponentially decaying function, except it would start from 100% and going down to a
small, very small number over time. The decay time constant is what I don't have any control
over. It could be days, weeks, months, but hopefully not years.
I found that by going through and collecting our correspondences over the last week, putting them
together, rereading them really helped me. I am taking off from work this week. I am in no
shape to be at work. Probably won't make it through with the horrible commute. It's funny I
told her I was planning to take a week off. But this doesn't feel like a vacation to me. And it's
not for seeing a therapist either. I am doing my own therapy, and I am hanging in there. I am
still moving around, still talking, eating, drinking but there's a surreal quality to it. Am I here?
As I type these words, I don't actually know if I am awake or dreaming. I am in a half dazed
state. But it's quite therapeutic for me.
Last night I was lying in bed staring at the ceiling. My laptop was next to me. I was waiting for
Annie's email. I was hoping to hear that pleasant chime from the gmail chat window. I closed
my eyes and started to pray: "God please save me. Please give me strength. Please forgive me."
I still haven't learned anything more to say to God. I drifted off and was awake at 5AM. A
strong wind was blowing around town. My head was clear. I felt good and rejuvenated, not
being like this for a whole week. From now on I will pray twice a day. I am not a religious
person and I would not admit to anyone what I am doing. But it really helped. It opened up my
inside and I felt vulnerable, giving in to the Greater Being to take over. I have no choice but to
trust this feeling and hope that it will take me on a healing journey.
So Annie, I really believe that it's fate. And there is nothing certain about fate. Fate is
unpredictable. Why did you show up? Why did you go away? I could never figure it out but in
TT Le 2007 An Online Dating Adventure with a Divine Ending

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the back of my mind I think I could venture a few guesses. I guess you weren't ready for
marriage, definitely not to a tormented person like me. Perhaps my decision to go back to my ex
really rubbed you the wrong way. Or perhaps it's my last nasty letter that made you angry.
Somehow I knew it's probably none of the above. I know you have a beautiful soul to go with
your beautiful smile. You've taught me so much in such a short time. Annie, you are my soul
mate.
Now I need to figure out how to move on with my life. Frodo went off to the West with his
immortal friends. But he cried when he embarked the ship. Why? Wasn't he supposed to be
happy there? My life is still quite a mess. I need to put things back in order. The events of the
past week really tore open my old wounds, but luckily you were there nursing them for me. I
guess I don't know where I am going from here. I've watched enough Korean movies and
apparently they are not the remedy to my predicament. Prayer seems to be the solution. God
bless you Annie. Please pray for me.

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