1

00:00:00,495 --> 0 0:00:02,850

Ed! Get Tom Rudd i n. Now.

2
00:00:02,935 --> 00:00:04,846
We're offering him Northern Ireland,
the lucky sod.

3 
00:00:04,935 --> 00:00:06,926
I think he's expecting
to be offered Transport.

4
00:00:07,015 --> 00:00:09,893
Well, tell him he's taking the bus
to George Best airport, right?

5
00:00:09,975 --> 00:00:12,125
He's making Paul Remington
a cabinet minister.

6 
00:00:12,215 --> 00:00:15,571
Remtard Remington.
I mean, the guy is an epic fuck-up.

7
00:00:15,695 --> 00:00:18,289
He's so dense
that light bends around him.

8
00:00:18,415 --> 00:00:20,770
(CLAPS) Come on, people!
Let's get going here.

9 
00:00:20,855 --> 00:00:22,083
I've got a to-do list here

10
00:00:22,175 --> 00:00:24,405
that's longer than
a fucking Leonard Cohen song.

11
00:00:25,095 --> 00:00:29,373
- Remtard at Energy and Climate Change.
- Really? I'm not getting that.

12
00:00:29,455 --> 00:00:33,004
It's not on here. How did you get that
about Remington?

13
00:00:33,095 --> 00:00:34,653

Refresh the page.


14
00:00:34,735 --> 00:00:36,407
Yeah. Ah, yeah. Oh, look!

15
00:00:36,495 --> 00:00:38,770
Fatty's staying put.
They're not moving Fatty!

16
00:00:38,855 --> 00:00:41,369
Yeah, well, that's because they haven't
got five big blokes and a winch.

17
00:00:41,455 --> 00:00:43,844
They couldn't really demote Fatty
'cause he knows too much.

18
00:00:43,935 --> 00:00:45,766
He doesn't know where
the Ryvita's kept, does he?

19
00:00:45,855 --> 00:00:48,528
I've got this reshuffle going on,

20
00:00:48,615 --> 00:00:50,731
the Leamington Spa
by-election coming up...

21
00:00:50,815 --> 00:00:53,568
I've got more on my plate
than a spinster at a wedding.

22
00:00:53,695 --> 00:00:55,811
That wasn't a reference to
your daughter, by the way, Andrew.

23
00:00:56,055 --> 00:00:58,569
Well. That's Hugh gone, then.

24
00:00:58,655 --> 00:01:02,284
- That's so sad, isn't it? Hugh.
- GLENN: Yeah.

25
00:01:02,375 --> 00:01:04,650
You don't give a shit.

26
00:01:05,415 --> 00:01:06,848

No, well, perhaps I don't.


27
00:01:07,015 --> 00:01:10,564
Northern Ireland office, Tom Rudd.
Who's Tom Rudd? Tom Rudd?

28
00:01:10,655 --> 00:01:11,883
Isn't he in <i>Harry Potter?</i>

29
00:01:11,975 --> 00:01:13,886
Tom Rudd is army slang

30
00:01:13,975 --> 00:01:16,011
- for standing-up buggery.
- OLLY: Right.

31
00:01:16,095 --> 00:01:17,972
Doug, Doug, Dougie! Look at you,

32
00:01:18,055 --> 00:01:19,966
cock the size of
the Pink Panther's tail.

33
00:01:20,055 --> 00:01:21,613
Come have a Kit Kat.

34
00:01:21,695 --> 00:01:23,413
Uh, I'm afraid I've turned it down,
Malcolm.

35
00:01:23,495 --> 00:01:26,805
You know that 90% of household dust
is made of dead human skin?

36
00:01:26,895 --> 00:01:28,931
That's what you are. To me.

37
00:01:29,095 --> 00:01:32,929
Doug Hayes is a massive abortion.
Again, not a reference to your daughter.

38
00:01:33,015 --> 00:01:36,724
We need somebody to plug
this DoSAC hole. Anybody.

39
00:01:37,335 --> 00:01:38,734
A fucking mammal with a head.


40
00:01:38,815 --> 00:01:41,249
Have you two finished
emptying your desks yet?

41
00:01:41,335 --> 00:01:44,088
Yes, don't worry, Terri,
we're all ready to go.

42
00:01:44,175 --> 00:01:47,884
I'm just trying to get everything
organised for whenever whoever arrives.

43
00:01:47,975 --> 00:01:49,886
They are going to have their own people.

44
00:01:49,975 --> 00:01:52,535
It's going to be very embarrassing if
your hand cream's still in the drawer.

45
00:01:52,615 --> 00:01:54,810
- Hand cream?
- Yeah, well, whatever men have.

46
00:01:54,895 --> 00:01:58,285
I don't know, electric nose-hair
trimmers, Ex-Lax...

47
00:01:58,375 --> 00:02:02,414
Aww, look at Glenn. Your face...

48
00:02:02,535 --> 00:02:04,844
On the scrapheap at
the tender age of 76?

49
00:02:04,935 --> 00:02:06,766
It's no life for you,
is it, Glenn, this?

50
00:02:06,855 --> 00:02:09,005
Hey, do you want me to call Dignitas?

51
00:02:09,175 --> 00:02:11,564
I could call Indignitas.

52
00:02:11,655 --> 00:02:14,852
They could come round and shove you

out of the window dressed as a clown.


53
00:02:14,935 --> 00:02:16,414
Sam, Sam...

54
00:02:17,055 --> 00:02:19,569
Get me Nicola Murray. Yeah.

55
00:02:19,655 --> 00:02:21,566
If she says no, well, I don't know,
the only other candidate

56
00:02:21,655 --> 00:02:24,089
is my left bollock with
a fucking smiley face drawn on it.

57
00:02:24,175 --> 00:02:27,929
Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce
the new Secretary of State...

58
00:02:28,015 --> 00:02:30,483
- Hello.
...for the Department of Social Affairs

59
00:02:30,575 --> 00:02:32,691
- and Citizenship, Nicola Murray.
- NICOLA: Thank you.

60
00:02:32,775 --> 00:02:33,969
(CLAPPING)

61
00:02:34,055 --> 00:02:35,408
I'm Nicola. Lovely to meet you.

62
00:02:35,495 --> 00:02:37,087
- Hello. Lovely to meet you.
- Hello, hi.

63
00:02:37,175 --> 00:02:40,247
- Hello, I'm Glenn Cullen.
- Hello Ken. How lovely to meet you.

64
00:02:40,335 --> 00:02:42,769
These are just Hugh's, um,

65
00:02:42,855 --> 00:02:44,368
- previous incumbents.

- Oh, okay.


66
00:02:44,455 --> 00:02:46,286
- So, that's Ken and Olly?
- No, Glenn.

67
00:02:46,375 --> 00:02:48,935
- Olly Reeder.
- Right. Are you an Olly or an Oliver?

68
00:02:49,055 --> 00:02:50,693
I'm whichever you prefer, in fact.

69
00:02:50,775 --> 00:02:52,493
Okay, well, Oliver.
I like the name Oliver.

70
00:02:52,575 --> 00:02:54,088
Well, Olly. I don't know...

71
00:02:54,175 --> 00:02:56,689
- Oh, you are an Olly.
- I don't know why I said that.

72
00:02:56,775 --> 00:02:57,890
- Thank you.
- Good.

73
00:02:57,975 --> 00:02:59,044
- I'm the ideas man.
- (MOBILE RINGING)

74
00:02:59,135 --> 00:03:02,525
Sorry. I've got to... Thank you.
Just need one second.

75
00:03:02,615 --> 00:03:04,526
- Um...
-  Yes, I know.

76
00:03:04,615 --> 00:03:07,129
They just...
They frog-marched me into it.

77
00:03:07,215 --> 00:03:09,251
I didn't know. I had no idea.

78

00:03:09,335 --> 00:03:12,850

James, be fair!
I left seven fucking messages for you.

79
00:03:12,935 --> 00:03:15,165
Your secretary or whoever is useless.

80
00:03:15,255 --> 00:03:16,734
I don't think the school thing
is going to be a problem.

81
00:03:16,815 --> 00:03:19,488
It's not going to be a problem 'cause
they'll have vetted me at Number 10.

82
00:03:19,575 --> 00:03:22,567
And obviously nobody has
soiled themselves or shot me.

83
00:03:22,655 --> 00:03:26,409
Great, well, I take your warm
congratulations as implied.

84
00:03:26,575 --> 00:03:28,964
(SOFTLY) Fucking arsehole.

85
00:03:29,055 --> 00:03:31,888
- You all right?
- Yes, it's all a bit crazy.

86
00:03:31,975 --> 00:03:34,967
No, it just feels like my head's made
entirely of smoke alarms

87
00:03:35,055 --> 00:03:36,329
at the moment, it's all a bit...

88
00:03:36,415 --> 00:03:37,450
(BOTH LAUGHING)

89
00:03:37,535 --> 00:03:39,491
Yes, well, it was a bit of a shock
for us all, you know.

90
00:03:39,575 --> 00:03:41,054
- I'm sure.
- In a good way, in a good way.


91
00:03:41,135 --> 00:03:43,729
- Good.
- Well, like twins or a tax rebate or...

92
00:03:43,815 --> 00:03:45,851
Yes, let me continue with the tour.

93
00:03:45,935 --> 00:03:48,608
- That's such a nice chair.
- This was Glenn's office.

94
00:03:48,695 --> 00:03:50,048
Is there any chance of getting
something like that?

95
00:03:50,135 --> 00:03:51,727
TERRl: Would you like me to have
it moved to your office?

96
00:03:51,815 --> 00:03:54,329
NICOLA: That'd be great.
Can you do that? Right. Olly...

97
00:03:54,415 --> 00:03:55,814
- Ollie, that's right.
- Glenn and Olly,

98
00:03:55,895 --> 00:03:58,011
what I need to know from you, really, is

99
00:03:58,095 --> 00:04:00,609
all the stuff that Terri's
not going to tell me.

100
00:04:00,695 --> 00:04:02,128
- The stuff she's gonna keep from me.
- GLENN: Huge list.

101
00:04:02,215 --> 00:04:04,683
OLLY: Where the bodies are buried.
NICOLA: Exactly. Yes, the plague pits.

102
00:04:04,775 --> 00:04:07,892
The, you know, big cardboard boxes
full of bits of old junior minister.

103
00:04:07,975 --> 00:04:10,728

I'll j ust go and sort out

that p olicy digest.

104
00:04:10,815 --> 00:04:11,930
NICOLA: Lovely.

105
00:04:12,015 --> 00:04:14,734
Urban renewal is a bit of
a running sore.

106
00:04:14,815 --> 00:04:17,773
- In what way?
- Well, it's very woolly and big.

107
00:04:17,855 --> 00:04:19,129
Sounds like a mammoth.

108
00:04:19,215 --> 00:04:20,853
(ALL LAUGHING)

109
00:04:21,055 --> 00:04:23,853
Right. Okay, so, um...

110
00:04:23,935 --> 00:04:27,166
um, my Big Thing... Come in, actually.

111
00:04:27,255 --> 00:04:31,407
Come into my office with
nowhere to sit or put anything.

112
00:04:31,535 --> 00:04:34,368
My primary focus is social mobility.

113
00:04:34,455 --> 00:04:37,606
- That's very much my Big Thing.
- OLLY: Right.

114
00:04:37,775 --> 00:04:39,447
I suppose I'm telling you that, really,

115
00:04:39,535 --> 00:04:42,174
partly to get your take on it and
also so that you can, you know,

116
00:04:42,255 --> 00:04:44,166
start spreading the news
and printing the posters.


117
00:04:44,255 --> 00:04:47,133
And, you know, fire up
the turbo chargers,

118
00:04:47,215 --> 00:04:50,048
set the phases to equality.
It's Murray time!

119
00:04:50,135 --> 00:04:53,525
Well, the thing is, and Olly, please,
correct me here if I'm wrong.

120
00:04:53,615 --> 00:04:54,968
Oh, I will certainly do that.

121
00:04:55,055 --> 00:04:59,571
Social mobility, making people richer,
costs money.

122
00:04:59,655 --> 00:05:03,694
OLLY: Yes, and we don't have
any of that, really.

123
00:05:03,775 --> 00:05:04,730
Right.

124
00:05:04,815 --> 00:05:06,407
If you speak to Nick at
the Treasury he will tell you the same,

125
00:05:06,495 --> 00:05:07,894
only with his annoying lisp.

126
00:05:07,975 --> 00:05:10,409
What you're telling me is that
basically I'm going to be a woman

127
00:05:10,495 --> 00:05:12,372
with a computer and some pens?

128
00:05:12,455 --> 00:05:16,289
- Well, it's just a pen budget.
- I mean I have about as much real power

129
00:05:17,015 --> 00:05:20,007
as those twats who sit on

either side of Alan Sugar?


130
00:05:20,095 --> 00:05:22,051
Well... Yes.

131
00:05:22,415 - -> 00:05:25,805
Secretary of S tate, we have got
some clothes f or you to look at

132
00:05:25,895 --> 00:05:27,567
- for a press photograph later.
- NICOLA: Oh!

133
00:05:27,655 --> 00:05:30,453
- We can continue this later, maybe?
- Yeah. Definitely. I'll come find you.

134
00:05:30,535 --> 00:05:33,607
- You're a size 16?
- I'm 12.

135
00:05:33,815 --> 00:05:37,774
Oh, 12. I'm so sorry. Well,
I'll get those changed right away.

136
00:05:40,855 --> 00:05:43,767
At the moment I've got nobody at all,

137
00:05:43,855 --> 00:05:46,813
um, apart from Hugh's guys, who are

138
00:05:47,295 --> 00:05:50,492
just kind of so fucking
patronising and cold.

139
00:05:51,055 --> 00:05:55,970
Seriously, one of them looks exactly
like he works in menswear at Selfridges.

140
00:05:56,055 --> 00:05:58,364
(CHUCKLES) I don't know what the fuck
to say to him.

141
00:05:58,815 --> 00:06:00,294
- Secretary of State?
- Yes?

142

00:06:00,375 --> 00:06:02,013

- Your fruit salad.
- Ah, brilliant. Thank you.

143
00:06:02,095 --> 00:06:04,211
Oh, I've just had
a couple of press calls.

144
00:06:04,295 --> 00:06:08,004
A couple of the papers asking about
your husband and the PFI.

145
00:06:08,775 --> 00:06:12,484
Already? My God. They're so...
They're so on it.

146
00:06:12,575 --> 00:06:14,293
- Aren't they?
-  Could you brief me?

147
00:06:14,375 --> 00:06:18,493
Yes, sorry. It's honestly nothing.
James works for Albany,

148
00:06:18,575 --> 00:06:21,612
which is the company that was awarded
the PFI prisons contract

149
00:06:21,695 --> 00:06:23,686
- by this department.
-  Yes, I remember.

150
00:06:23,775 --> 00:06:27,085
I know that sounds bad,
but actually James wasn't at Albany

151
00:06:27,175 --> 00:06:29,086
when the contracts were awarded
and I wasn't here, so...

152
00:06:29,175 --> 00:06:31,052
- Yeah, maybe, um...
- It's not a conflict of interest, so...

153
00:06:31,135 --> 00:06:33,774
I think you could just run
that by Malcolm.

154

00:06:33,855 --> 00:06:35,971

- He's on his way.
- Not Malcolm. He's...

155
00:06:36,055 --> 00:06:39,092
- What now? Coming in?
- Yes, he'll be up in 25 seconds.

156
00:06:39,175 --> 00:06:40,972
Okay. Fuck. Right.

157
00:06:41,175 --> 00:06:43,928
So, Malcolm Tucker, Malcolm Tucker,
Malcolm Tucker!

158
00:06:44,055 --> 00:06:47,365
Malcolm... I'm not nervous,
you know, it's just...

159
00:06:47,455 --> 00:06:51,050
Malcolm's sort of one of
those things that I'm aware of

160
00:06:51,135 --> 00:06:54,366
without ever having really
come into contact with.

161
00:06:54,615 --> 00:06:57,209
- Um, like a rat.
-  No, he'd hate that.

162
00:06:57,295 --> 00:07:00,492
He thinks of himself
as a sort of thin white Mugabe.

163
00:07:00,975 --> 00:07:02,010
Do you think?

164
00:07:02,095 --> 00:07:04,450
Because if you are worried
about Malcolm, you know,

165
00:07:04,535 --> 00:07:06,093
we have amassed a few tips


166
00:07:06,175 --> 0 0:07:07,688
how to deal with h im, over the years.

167
00:07:07,775 --> 00:07:09,811
We have worked out when
he's going to give you a verbal colonic

168
00:07:09,895 --> 00:07:12,409
and some, you know,
avoidance manoeuvres.

169
00:07:12,495 --> 00:07:14,929
Tae kwon spin!

170
00:07:15,015 --> 00:07:17,324
Is this the No.1
Ladies' Detective Agency?

171
00:07:17,415 --> 00:07:19,645
Malcolm Tucker! The real deal. Hello.

172
00:07:19,735 --> 00:07:22,295
The real deal. Good to see you.
You're looking great.

173
00:07:22,375 --> 00:07:26,448
All right, Hinge and Bracket,
time to go and hang up your lady-cocks.

174
00:07:26,535 --> 00:07:29,049
Nicola Murray!
Here you are, Secretary of State

175
00:07:29,135 --> 00:07:31,444
for the Department of
Social Affairs and Citizenship.

176
00:07:31,535 --> 00:07:34,652
Yep, I now have one the of the longest
job titles in Western politics.

177
00:07:34,735 --> 00:07:37,249
Thank God I don't have to
wear a lapel badge.

178
00:07:37,335 --> 00:07:42,011
It's a pity we couldn't just make an
abbreviation of it, you know, like PFI.

179
00:07:42,415 --> 00:07:45,168

Which I think stands for

Pretty Fucking Imbarrassing.

180
00:07:45,255 --> 00:07:47,086
If you're a bit sloppy
about the details,

181
00:07:47,175 --> 00:07:48,927
which clearly your fucking husband is.

182
00:07:49,015 --> 00:07:52,007
Okay, look.
James works for Albany, fine.

183
00:07:52,095 --> 00:07:53,687
He wasn't even working there when
the contract was awarded.

184
00:07:53,775 --> 00:07:57,211
- Don't worry. That was just me
- Okay, right. Fine.

185
00:07:57,295 --> 00:07:59,490
I mean, that's the sort of thing
the press will throw at you.

186
00:07:59,575 --> 00:08:01,884
I mean, you step out of line,
they'll be all over you.

187
00:08:01,975 --> 00:08:05,092
Like a pigeon on a chip, you know?
Is that your chair?

188
00:08:05,175 --> 00:08:09,453
Oh, God, yeah. It's cool, isn't it?
It's got lumbar support.

189
00:08:10,335 --> 00:08:11,450
Bin it.

190
00:08:11,535 --> 00:08:13,605
People don't like their politicians
to be comfortable.

191
00:08:13,695 --> 00:08:16,209
They don't like you having expenses,
they don't like you being paid,


192
00:08:16,295 --> 00:08:18,490
they'd rather you lived
in a fucking cave.

193
00:08:18,575 --> 00:08:21,487
Okay, fine.
So, what should I be sitting on?

194
00:08:21,575 --> 00:08:24,009
Should I just get an
upturned KFC bucket?

195
00:08:24,095 --> 00:08:26,325
Just a fucking normal chair. Right?

196
00:08:27,015 --> 00:08:29,290
Not a fucking massive vibrating throne.

197
00:08:29,375 --> 00:08:30,774
GLENN: Malcolm must be hating this.

198
00:08:30,855 --> 00:08:35,087
All these bright, fresh new ministers
to blood in and to plan a by-election.

199
00:08:35,175 --> 00:08:36,927
If it's any consolation to you,
a little bit of you

200
00:08:37,015 --> 00:08:39,575
will always be in this department
because she's nabbed your chair.

201
00:08:39,655 --> 00:08:42,453
Hasn't she? She's got your chair,
and in fact your dandruff.

202
00:08:42,535 --> 00:08:45,527
Ha, ha, ha. If I go,
that chair is coming with me.

203
00:08:45,615 --> 00:08:48,448
You know those old men you see who
go to the park to read the paper?

204
00:08:48,535 --> 00:08:51,129

That'll be you.

You could go in your chair.

205
00:08:51,215 --> 00:08:53,251
They'd make you king of all the tramps.

206
00:08:53,335 --> 00:08:55,610
So, uh, you got three kids, yeah?

207
00:08:55,695 --> 00:08:57,845
- I've got four. Yeah.
- Four?

208
00:08:57,935 --> 00:09:01,166
Katie's 16, she's the eldest.
She's just left school.

209
00:09:01,255 - -> 00:09:02,927
Not going to a  college, to university?

210
00:09:03,015 --> 00:09:07,133
- Uh, she's a bit of a rebel.
- What sort of a rebel?

211
00:09:07,215 --> 00:09:08,694
I mean, so what are we talking here?

212
00:09:08,775 --> 00:09:12,609
Are we talking a pierced navel
or holidays at Pakistani training camp?

213
00:09:12,695 - -> 00:09:14,970
It's chiefly h eroin.

214
00:09:15,455 - -> 0 0:09:17,332
Although she h as c ut down since

215
00:09:17,415 --> 00:09:20,054
getting pregnant by that
Nigerian people-smuggler,

216
00:09:20,135 --> 00:09:22,888
because the track marks
would have affected her porn career.

217
00:09:22,975 - -> 00:09:25,091
I'm sorry to d isturb. Um...


218
00:09:25,175 --> 00:09:26,210
- Morning, Malcolm.
- Morning, Terri.

219
00:09:26,295 --> 00:09:28,809
Just wanted to give you
a few things here.

220
00:09:28,895 --> 00:09:31,125
That's change from the fruit salad.

221
00:09:31,215 --> 00:09:34,173
This is this morning's paper.
Do excuse me.

222
00:09:34,655 --> 00:09:38,011
I'm surprised that
you haven't vetted me,

223
00:09:38,095 --> 00:09:39,244
I thought you'd know about the kids.

224
00:09:39,335 --> 00:09:41,405
It's just that 'cause you were just
a sort of, you were a bit of

225
00:09:41,495 --> 00:09:43,690
- a late-ish kind of appointment.
- Mmm.

226
00:09:43,775 --> 00:09:45,845
That didn't quite give me
the time to, you know,

227
00:09:45,935 --> 00:09:48,927
to fuck the I's and fist the T's,
as Robert Robertson might say.

228
00:09:49,015 --> 00:09:53,486
Sounds to me like that she's only
bringing in one other person, so,

229
00:09:54,175 --> 00:09:56,735
you know, I wonder whether she might
keep one of us on permanently.

230

00:09:56,815 - -> 0 0:09:58,214

TERRl: Thank G od I 'm safe.

231
00:09:58,295 --> 00:10:01,492
Gee, we know you're safe, Terri!
How do we know you're safe?

232
00:10:01,575 --> 00:10:03,884
We know you're safe because
you keep using the word "safe",

233
00:10:03,975 --> 00:10:05,454
like bloody Jim Bowen.

234
00:10:05,535 --> 0 0:10:07,685
(AS BOWEN) Yeah, y ou've got DoSAC,
that's safe.

235
00:10:07,775 --> 00:10:09,925
Do you want to go for
the treasury, young lady?

236
00:10:10,015 --> 00:10:11,733
Okay. Mrs Walton.

237
00:10:11,815 --> 00:10:13,726
What about these other kids?
What ages are they?

238
00:10:13,815 --> 0 0:10:16,773
They're 11, nine a nd five.

239
00:10:17,215 --> 0 0:10:18,887
- 11?
- Mmm-hmm.

240
00:10:19,775 --> 00:10:21,766
So that's, uh, secondary school?

241
00:10:21,855 --> 00:10:24,608
No, she's still at primary,
state primary.

242
00:10:24,695 --> 00:10:28,051
Lovely little school
with terrible SATS results,

243

00:10:28,135 --> 00:10:31,411

but, you know, really good kind of
broad demographic and steel band.

244
00:10:31,495 --> 00:10:35,090
So, she will be going to a
secondary school, what, in September?

245
00:10:35,255 --> 00:10:37,928
Yeah, yeah. So, um...

246
00:10:38,575 --> 00:10:41,806
I... I can see where this is going.
Um, it's not an issue.

247
00:10:41,895 --> 00:10:44,693
Great! If it's not an issue
I'll just fucking toddle off, then.

248
00:10:44,775 --> 00:10:47,335
I'll go and have a nice relaxing
wee sleep under my duvet.

249
00:10:47,415 --> 00:10:48,848
Probably won't even
have to tug myself off

250
00:10:48,935 --> 00:10:50,414
'cause I'm so fucking
relaxed about that.

251
00:10:50,495 --> 00:10:54,204
'Cause I know that there is
no fucking issue here. Right?

252
00:10:54,895 --> 00:10:57,204
She's not going to
the comprehensive, Malcolm.

253
00:10:57,295 --> 00:11:00,093
She's going to a local
independent school.

254
00:11:00,655 --> 00:11:03,965
Jesus H fucking Corbett.

255
00:11:04,255 --> 00:11:05,324
Do you honestly think...


256
00:11:05,415 --> 00:11:08,851
Do you honestly believe that as a
minister you can get away with that?

257
00:11:09,015 --> 00:11:12,724
You are saying that all
your local state schools,

258
00:11:12,815 --> 00:11:16,933
all the schools that this government
has drastically improved

259
00:11:17,255 --> 0 0:11:21,009
are knife-addled r ape sheds,
and that's not a b ig story?

260
00:11:21,415 --> 0 0:11:25,328
For fuck's sake! S ort it or abort it!

261
00:11:25,495 --> 00:11:29,044
Let's get this clear.
My family is off limits. All right?

262
00:11:29,135 --> 00:11:33,492
This job is not going to get anywhere
near my husband and my kids.

263
00:11:33,575 --> 00:11:35,167
- It just doesn't.
- Of course it fucking does.

264
00:11:35,255 --> 00:11:39,533
As per the wee barcode and the
serial number under your right armpit,

265
00:11:39,615 --> 00:11:43,369
you are now built and
owned by the state.

266
00:11:43,455 --> 00:11:46,970
And you are under the spotlight
24 hours a day, darling!

267
00:11:47,775 --> 00:11:49,254
You know what you are?

268

00:11:49,455 --> 0 0:11:51,969

You're a fucking h uman dartboard.

269
00:11:52,095 --> 00:11:55,770
And Eric fucking Bristow's on the oche
flinging a million darts

270
00:11:55,855 --> 00:11:57,493
made of human shit right at you.

271
00:11:57,575 - -> 00:11:59,054
Can you take t hat? Can you?

272
00:11:59,135 --> 0 0:12:02,252
Okay, look. You, t he all-swearing eye.

273
00:12:02,335 --> 00:12:05,372
You didn't even know how
many kids I had. You had to ask me.

274
00:12:05,455 --> 00:12:08,333
So who on earth in the press is
going to even know or care?

275
00:12:08,415 --> 00:12:10,246
Do you remember <i>The Big Breakfast?</i>

276
00:12:10,335 --> 00:12:11,688
- Remember that programme?
- Yes!

277
00:12:11,775 --> 00:12:14,528
Remember how Chris Evans started that?
Do you remember it was a big success?

278
00:12:14,615 --> 00:12:16,731
And then they had that guy
johnny Vaughan, remember him?

279
00:12:16,815 --> 00:12:17,964
- Uh-huh.
- Everybody loved him.

280
00:12:18,055 --> 00:12:21,013
Fuck knows why but they loved him.
Do you know what this is here?

281

00:12:21,175 --> 00:12:26,408

This here is fucking series 10
of <i>The Big Breakfast.</i>

282
00:12:26,655 --> 00:12:29,089
And do you know what you are?
You're the fucking dinner lady

283
00:12:29,175 --> 00:12:31,735
that they have asked to come
and present the show.

284
00:12:31,815 --> 00:12:35,091
The reason I didn't know
about you and your children

285
00:12:35,175 --> 00:12:37,894
is 'cause you were so low down

286
00:12:37,975 --> 00:12:41,411
on the list of candidates for this job,

287
00:12:41,495 --> 00:12:44,612
I didn't even have the chance
to look into you.

288
00:12:46,375 --> 00:12:47,967
So low.

289
00:12:48,335 --> 00:12:53,728
Way, way, way, way, way, way, way low.

290
00:12:55,175 --> 00:12:59,088
You are now being scrutinised for
what you wear, what you say.

291
00:12:59,375 --> 00:13:01,331
For your hair, your shoes,

292
00:13:01,415 - -> 00:13:03,610
your fucking e arrings,
your fucking c leavage and your dress,

293
00:13:03,695 --> 00:13:06,289
which, by the way, is way too loud.

294
00:13:06,375 --> 00:13:07,444

Too loud?

295
00:13:07,535 --> 00:13:10,333
Yeah, I'm getting fucking tinnitus here!

296
00:13:10,575 --> 00:13:14,966
Look. Your crooked husband
I can make go away.

297
00:13:16,775 --> 00:13:21,007
But your crooked husband combined
with you being worried about

298
00:13:21,215 --> 00:13:24,252
your underage daughter
coming home up the duff

299
00:13:25,015 --> 00:13:27,654
from some truanting bastard, I cannot.

300
00:13:29,775 --> 00:13:32,084
She goes to the comp, okay?

301
00:13:34,055 --> 00:13:36,011
Oh, God.

302
00:13:36,735 --> 00:13:40,694
Um, you, Glenn, yes.
And or Olly. Terri!

303
00:13:40,815 --> 00:13:42,692
- Just a quick update, really.
- How did it go?

304
00:13:42,775 --> 00:13:47,530
It was all very positive, we sort of
know where we all stand now.

305
00:13:47,615 --> 00:13:50,254
The PFI thing you know about,
is not a problem, Malcolm's fine.

306
00:13:50,375 --> 00:13:52,491
Second little thing I've just
apprised Malcolm of

307
00:13:52,575 --> 00:13:55,294

is that m y 11 - year-old daughter

will be g oing t o a private school.

308
00:13:55,375 --> 00:13:58,492
Oh, for fuck's sake! Sorry.

309
00:13:59,095 --> 00:14:02,690
Okay. It's a personal issue.
I'm not Education Secretary so...

310
00:14:02,775 - -> 00:14:03,844
Nor will you b e.

311
00:14:03,935 --> 00:14:07,610
Secretary of State, with respect,
this is political suicide.

312
00:14:07,695 --> 00:14:09,492
All right. Well, thank you very much
for your support, Glenn.

313
00:14:09,575 --> 00:14:11,213
Perhaps I was hoping
there might be a way around it.

314
00:14:11,295 --> 00:14:14,970
Sorry, there is no way around it,
it's horrible. It's a bit like Dover.

315
00:14:15,495 --> 00:14:18,646
You know, if you want to go to France,
you've got to go through it.

316
00:14:18,775 --> 00:14:20,174
Well, you don't have to go through
Dover to get to France.

317
00:14:20,255 --> 00:14:21,847
You can go through Weymouth,
Portsmouth, there's plenty...

318
00:14:21,935 --> 00:14:24,495
I don't want to go to Dover. I don't
want to go to fucking Dover or France!

319
00:14:24,575 --> 00:14:26,054
I just want my daughter to
be happy at school.


320
00:14:26,135 --> 00:14:28,365
Great, well that's good, that's,
that's excellent.

321
00:14:28,455 --> 00:14:29,524
That's a super message to send out,

322
00:14:29,615 --> 0 0:14:32,083
shows you've got p rinciples,
it's the kind of t hing you could be...

323
00:14:32,175 --> 0 0:14:33,654
For fuck's sake, O lly,
there's no point

324
00:14:33,735 --> 00:14:35,293
telling her just what
she wants to hear, is there?

325
00:14:35,375 --> 00:14:36,410
NICOLA: So, Terri?

326
00:14:36,495 --> 00:14:39,487
Uh, yes? I'm sorry
but personal issues are not my brief.

327
00:14:39,575 --> 00:14:40,849
Okay, thank you for that.

328
00:14:40,935 --> 00:14:44,848
Um, the chair, the lumbar chair,
has to go in the skip, Malcolm insisted.

329
00:14:44,935 --> 00:14:47,608
- Oh, okay.
- Not now, cause I've got work to do.

330
00:14:47,695 --> 00:14:48,810
But if you can get somebody...

331
00:14:48,895 --> 00:14:52,524
Apparently, if you have a nice chair
it turns you into Saddam Hussein.

332
00:14:53,975 --> 00:14:57,251
This entire building

smells of coleslaw.


333
00:14:57,695 --> 00:15:00,004
Ah, so, first cabinet meeting.

334
00:15:00,095 --> 00:15:01,369
- Yes.
- How do you feel?

335
00:15:01,455 --> 00:15:02,774
Anxious? Nervous? Worried?

336
00:15:02,855 --> 00:15:05,528
Well, she probably wasn't until
you said, "Anxious? Nervous? Worried?"

337
00:15:05,615 --> 00:15:07,412
Now you're an advert for Tamazepam.

338
00:15:07,495 --> 00:15:09,884
If I'm sick all over the
Foreign Secretary, would that look bad?

339
00:15:09,975 --> 00:15:12,773
No, Geoffrey Howe shat himself
on his first morning.

340
00:15:12,855 --> 00:15:14,083
Olly, please!

341
00:15:14,175 --> 00:15:16,006
Well, I find that kind of
tomfoolery very tiresome...

342
00:15:16,095 --> 00:15:18,609
Sorry, Terri, what's the driver's name?

343
00:15:18,695 --> 00:15:20,651
It always makes you look more human
if you know their name

344
00:15:20,735 --> 00:15:23,852
- and I am human, so...
- It's Elvis.

345
00:15:24,175 --> 00:15:26,564
- Seriously, what's his name?

- No, it's Elvis.


346
00:15:26,655 --> 00:15:28,407
He's from the Ukraine, you see.

347
00:15:28,495 --> 00:15:30,292
And nobody can pronounce the real name

348
00:15:30,375 --> 00:15:33,253
so they call him Elvis
on account of the...

349
00:15:33,535 --> 0 0:15:34,604
(MIMICS ELVIS) # U h-huh-huh #

350
00:15:34,695 --> 0 0:15:36,606
- What?
-  Take a peek.

351
00:15:38,095 --> 0 0:15:39,130
(EXHALING)

352
00:15:39,215 --> 00:15:40,250
Hey, what's wrong with you?

353
00:15:40,335 --> 00:15:41,927
You look like you've shat
a Lego garage or something.

354
00:15:42,015 --> 00:15:45,451
Jim Lane's daughter is standing as
an independent in Leamington Spa.

355
00:15:45,615 --> 00:15:47,253
For fuck's sake.

356
00:15:47,575 --> 00:15:50,692
- Fuck! This is going to split our vote.
- Do you think we're in trouble?

357
00:15:50,775 --> 00:15:52,413
Maybe we should have chosen her
over Liam Bentley.

358
00:15:52,495 --> 00:15:55,487
No, she thinks just because
her dead fat-arse dad was the MP,


359
00:15:55,575 --> 00:15:57,645
that gives her the right
to be our candidate. No, no, no.

360
00:15:57,735 --> 00:15:59,612
This isn't tsarist Russia.
It's not the fucking Dimblebys.

361
00:15:59,695 --> 00:16:02,050
- What do we do?
- We send everyone up there

362
00:16:02,135 --> 00:16:04,205
to support Liam Bentley,
including the Prime Minister.

363
00:16:04,295 --> 0 0:16:05,364
You want to send T om up there?

364
00:16:05,455 --> 00:16:08,492
Yeah, fuck it, he'll be all right
as long as he doesn't do the smile.

365
00:16:08,575 --> 00:16:09,803
You hit the phones, right?

366
00:16:09,895 --> 00:16:12,250
I'll be with you in two shakes
of a crying baby.

367
00:16:13,975 --> 00:16:17,570
- Wow. Black widow.
- Malcolm.

368
00:16:18,095 --> 00:16:20,563
Congratulations. First cabinet.
I heard you wowed them.

369
00:16:20,655 --> 00:16:22,964
The meeting's literally just finished,
how would you know that?

370
00:16:23,055 --> 00:16:25,046
PM texted me, he's very impressed.

371
00:16:25,135 --> 00:16:26,966

You could be nominated

for best newcomer.

372
00:16:27,055 --> 00:16:28,568
- Really?
- No.

373
00:16:29,415 --> 00:16:32,566
You knew Jim Lane, didn't you?
The dead fucker. God rest him.

374
00:16:32,655 - -> 00:16:34,134
Yeah, I did, a  bit, back home.

375
00:16:34,215 --> 00:16:37,048
Very sad, all those weeks
on life support.

376
00:16:37,535 --> 00:16:38,968
- Nice chair.
- Sad?

377
00:16:39,055 --> 00:16:41,774
What, lying on your back
getting fed nutrients through a tube?

378
00:16:41,855 --> 00:16:43,891
It's my idea of a fucking holiday.

379
00:16:43,975 --> 00:16:45,966
How would you like to go to Leamington?

380
00:16:46,055 --> 00:16:47,886
- When?
-  This morning.

381
00:16:48,255 --> 00:16:49,688
It's never too soon to go to Leamington.

382
00:16:49,775 --> 00:16:52,164
I've just taken over a department,
I have a hell of a...

383
00:16:52,255 --> 00:16:56,965
You've been asked by the PM
specifically to pop along to Leamington

384

00:16:57,055 --> 00:16:59,649

and do some photo ops with Liam Bentley.

385
00:16:59,735 --> 00:17:01,293
Supporting him, yeah?

386
00:17:01,375 --> 00:17:04,811
- I don't really have any choice, do I?
- Of course you have a choice.

387
00:17:04,895 --> 00:17:07,284
You can decide exactly
how you say yes.

388
00:17:07,375 --> 00:17:10,367
You can do it with a voice.
Have fun with it.

389
00:17:11,535 --> 00:17:14,208
Yes. In my own voice.

390
00:17:14,295 --> 00:17:17,093
I look forward to toasting your success.

391
00:17:17,295 --> 00:17:20,571
- Have a lovely time in Leamington, yeah?
- Can I go?

392
00:17:20,735 --> 00:17:23,090
Of course you can fucking go.

393
00:17:24,135 --> 00:17:25,693
(SIGHS)

394
00:17:26,415 --> 00:17:29,612
Jesus. Never easy. Never fucking easy.

395
00:17:31,255 --> 00:17:32,973
- Yeah, hi. Come in.
- Um, hi.

396
00:17:33,535 --> 00:17:35,127
Um, yeah.

397
00:17:35,535 --> 00:17:37,014
- Glenn.
- Glenn...


398
00:17:37,095 --> 00:17:38,448
What do you think of Glenn?

399
00:17:38,535 --> 00:17:42,528
(LAUGHS) Well, it's sort of like asking
what I think of skirting boards?

400
00:17:42,615 --> 00:17:46,164
I mean, I assume that we need them
but I'm not really sure why.

401
00:17:46,255 --> 00:17:47,893
I'm finding him very old-school.

402
00:17:47,975 --> 00:17:50,250
Well, yes. Well, he's ancient-school,
really, Glenn.

403
00:17:50,335 --> 00:17:53,372
I mean, he used to get his packed lunch
nicked by Plato, he's an old...

404
00:17:53,455 --> 00:17:55,685
So, um, I'd like you to come up to
Leamington with me.

405
00:17:55,775 --> 00:17:58,209
Oh, great, yeah. Well, it's, uh...

406
00:17:58,415 --> 00:18:00,292
It's my favourite of the spa towns.

407
00:18:01,495 --> 00:18:03,087
Erm, apart from all the others, so...

408
00:18:03,255 --> 00:18:07,214
Okay, lovely. So if you could
just get, uh, Terri in, please.

409
00:18:07,455 --> 00:18:08,729
Sure.

410
00:18:09,215 --> 00:18:10,330
- Terri.
- Yeah?


411
00:18:10,415 --> 00:18:11,814
- (PHONE RINGING)
- You're on.

412
00:18:13,015 --> 00:18:14,004
What?

413
00:18:14,135 --> 00:18:17,810
What were you and Bravo Two Zero
talking about in there?

414
00:18:17,935 --> 00:18:19,812
- Who?
- Her, you know. Her in there.

415
00:18:19,895 --> 00:18:21,533
Bravo Two Zero.

416
00:18:21,615 --> 00:18:23,412
Well, I don't know what
that means, Glenn.

417
00:18:23,535 --> 00:18:27,608
Yes, you do. No, I don't mean that.
I mean Juliet Bravo.

418
00:18:27,775 --> 00:18:30,084
You've completely lost me, Glenn.
I really...

419
00:18:30,175 --> 00:18:32,643
juliet Bravo! She was a lady policeman.

420
00:18:32,735 --> 00:18:35,010
(CHUCKLES) A lady... A lady policeman?

421
00:18:35,095 --> 00:18:36,767
Did the last 30 years not happen to you?

422
00:18:36,855 --> 00:18:38,129
- What?
- Have you been asleep

423
00:18:38,215 --> 00:18:41,093
in a box full of straw
like a <i>Blue Peter</i> tortoise?


424
00:18:41,215 --> 0 0:18:43,092
(MOCKINGLY) Lady p oliceman.

425
00:18:43,175 --> 00:18:45,530
I've asked Olly to come up
to Leamington with me.

426
00:18:45,615 --> 00:18:46,650
- Olly?
-  Yeah.

427
00:18:46,735 --> 00:18:49,329
I can't really connect with Glenn.

428
00:18:50,535 --> 00:18:52,127
(SIGHS) Um...

429
00:18:52,415 --> 00:18:54,133
You think I shouldn't have asked Olly?

430
00:18:54,215 --> 00:18:57,605
- No, no, I didn't say that.
- You sort of did with your face.

431
00:18:57,695 --> 00:19:01,608
No, no. Olly has got plenty
of good points, it's just he's...

432
00:19:02,095 --> 00:19:05,451
Well, he's a little bit morally bankrupt
and massively self-centred

433
00:19:05,535 --> 00:19:08,174
and a tiny bit dangerously unreliable.

434
00:19:08,895 --> 00:19:10,726
But he has got a lot of good points,
as I say.

435
00:19:10,815 --> 00:19:14,728
Great, well, thank you.
Can you just send, send Glenn in for me?

436
00:19:14,815 --> 00:19:17,488
Glenn. Nicola would like to see you.

437

00:19:18,055 --> 00:19:19,647

(CLEARS THROAT)

438
00:19:25,855 --> 00:19:28,415
- Hi, Glenn, take a seat.
- Oh, thank you.

439
00:19:28,495 --> 00:19:31,567
- You ever worked in retail, Glenn?
- No, never have.

440
00:19:31,655 --> 00:19:33,054
Oh, just...

441
00:19:33,135 --> 00:19:38,368
Um, so what do you think of Terri?
Do you trust her?

442
00:19:39,815 --> 00:19:41,931
- No.
- Right.

443
00:19:42,535 --> 00:19:46,244
'Cause she just told me
she sort of prefers you to Olly.

444
00:19:47,735 - -> 00:19:49,566
When I say I d on't trust her...

445
00:19:49,655 --> 00:19:51,247
(CLEARS THROAT)

446
00:19:51,495 --> 00:19:54,487
What I mean is
I don't trust her around money.

447
00:19:55,135 --> 00:19:57,126
Really? Blimey, what, she steals?

448
00:19:57,215 --> 00:19:59,490
No, no, no, no.
I'm not saying anything like that.

449
00:19:59,575 --> 00:20:02,328
'Cause actually I got very little change
from my fruit salad so...

450

00:20:02,415 --> 00:20:05,327

No, no, no. Let me just row back
a little bit here.

451
00:20:05,455 --> 00:20:08,015
Perhaps, um, all the way
to the boathouse.

452
00:20:08,095 --> 00:20:11,405
Actually, I do trust Terri.

453
00:20:12,415 --> 00:20:13,564
Okay.

454
00:20:15,255 --> 00:20:17,564
- Your chair's gone.
- Oh, yes, yeah.

455
00:20:17,655 - -> 0 0:20:20,294
I had to bin i t. M alcolm insisted.

456
00:20:20,495 - -> 00:20:24,647
- But it was m y chair.
- Oh, right, I ... It was...

457
00:20:25,175 --> 00:20:28,724
It was decadent, Glenn.
It was a chair gone mad.

458
00:20:29,295 --> 00:20:31,570
Do you know where it's gone?

459
00:20:32,535 --> 00:20:33,854
...Skip.

460
00:20:34,335 --> 00:20:37,008
- Is this a...
-  Skip.

461
00:20:38,935 --> 00:20:41,733
I'm-I'm rea... I'm sorry for your loss.

462
00:20:42,535 --> 00:20:44,685
I paid 600 for that chair.

463
00:20:47,375 --> 00:20:48,410
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)


464
00:20:48,495 --> 00:20:49,610
TERRl: (ON PHONE) <i>How's her hair?</i>

465
00:20:49,695 --> 00:20:52,493
Terri, you'll be delighted to know
that the Secretary of State is now

466
00:20:52,575 - -> 00:20:54,805
checking her h air in my glasses.

467
00:20:54,895 --> 00:20:57,284
- You're on TV live.
- What, now?

468
00:20:57,695 --> 00:20:59,447
You're on now, apparently.

469
00:20:59,535 --> 00:21:00,763
TERRl: Why are you squatting down?

470
00:21:00,855 --> 00:21:04,052
GLENN: Ah, there she is. Malcolm.
Nicola will be there in a minute.

471
00:21:04,135 --> 00:21:05,887
No, you're in the shot, actually, Olly.

472
00:21:05,975 --> 00:21:07,567
Why am I in the shot?

473
00:21:07,815 --> 00:21:09,965
- BENTLEY: <i>Nicola Murray!</i>
<i>- Thank you.</i>

474
00:21:10,055 --> 00:21:13,730
Hi, everybody.
Well, um, I'm very pleased to see

475
00:21:13,895 --> 00:21:15,806
a number of familiar faces here. Hello!

476
00:21:15,895 --> 00:21:17,931
- Isn't she good with the people?
- Yes, she is.

477

00:21:18,015 --> 00:21:20,973

But then, so is Kate Thornton
and she's wanted for war crimes.

478
00:21:21,055 --> 00:21:24,684
<i>Ladies and gentlemen, let's take a look</i>
<i>at Liam Bentley's election poster.</i>

479
00:21:24,775 --> 00:21:26,606
REPORTER: Mrs Murray, do you feel
your husband's involvement

480
00:21:26,695 --> 00:21:29,573
in the PFI prisons contract
compromises your position?

481
00:21:29,655 --> 00:21:32,567
Well, I'm just here
to support Liam Bentley.

482
00:21:32,655 --> 00:21:34,486
REPORTER: You don't feel there's
a conflict of interest?

483
00:21:34,575 --> 00:21:36,088
No, I really don't.

484
00:21:36,175 --> 00:21:38,450
- Excellent.
- She's handling this very well, Malcolm.

485
00:21:38,535 --> 00:21:39,604
Don't you think?

486
00:21:39,815 --> 00:21:41,168
REPORTER: <i>Are you going to resign,</i>
<i>Minister?</i>

487
00:21:41,255 --> 00:21:43,485
GLENN: Oh shut up, you twat!

488
00:21:43,895 --> 00:21:45,851
NICOLA: <i>... and I think</i>
<i>they're interested also</i>

489
00:21:45,935 --> 00:21:48,608
<i>in greater opportunities for social...</i>


490
00:21:48,775 --> 00:21:50,254
- Looking terrific, Olly.
- She's a little bit...

491
00:21:50,335 --> 00:21:51,927
- What? Sorry?
- A little bit edgy.

492
00:21:52,015 --> 00:21:55,166
TERRl: Can you please make sure
Nicola's right in the middle?

493
00:21:55,255 --> 00:21:58,088
She doesn't look important enough.
Can you just move her over?

494
00:21:58,615 --> 00:22:00,128
- Could you move for a second?
- Right here?

495
00:22:00,775 --> 00:22:01,844
TERRl: Perfect! Perfect.

496
00:22:01,935 - -> 00:22:03,607
- That looks t errific.
- GLENN: No, n o, no. No!

497
00:22:03,695 --> 00:22:05,606
Jesus, Terri! The letters!

498
00:22:05,695 --> 00:22:07,845
TERRl: That's great there.
GLENN: What does it say, Terri?

499
00:22:07,935 --> 00:22:10,051
- It says Liam Bentley.
- No, it doesn't.

500
00:22:10,135 --> 00:22:11,932
Not there, it fucking doesn't!

501
00:22:12,015 --> 00:22:14,051
PHOTOGRAPHER: Move back
where you were, please, Nicola.

502
00:22:14,135 --> 00:22:15,534
Uh, okay.


503
00:22:15,615 --> 00:22:17,810
<i>This is obviously the hot spot.</i>

504
00:22:17,895 --> 00:22:18,964
TERRl: Well okay, if you crop the...

505
00:22:19,055 --> 00:22:21,774
GLENN: Of course,
i f you crop. Malcolm!

506
00:22:21,855 --> 00:22:23,971
You tried. You really tried.

507
00:22:24,055 --> 00:22:25,966
- Did your best, mate.
- Very happy with it.

508
00:22:26,055 --> 00:22:28,694
- You both did your best.
- Thanks.

509
00:22:28,935 --> 00:22:30,288
PHOTOGRAPHER: <i>Big smile!</i>

510
00:22:30,375 --> 00:22:32,730
Hi, darling.
Did you see Mummy on the telly?

511
00:22:32,815 --> 0 0:22:35,329
(LAUGHS) I know, d id I look funny?

512
00:22:37,375 - -> 00:22:40,412
It did, good b oy. It said, "I am bent."

513
00:22:44,295 --> 00:22:46,013
- Have you, um...
- Yes.

514
00:22:46,095 --> 00:22:48,768
TERRl: We're currently in
a no-commenting situation.

515
00:22:48,855 --> 00:22:50,652
(ALL TALKING AT ONCE)

516

00:22:50,735 --> 00:22:52,453

Is this now official nuisance calling?

517
00:22:52,575 --> 00:22:55,009
Great. Someone's just
sent me a YouTube clip

518
00:22:55,095 --> 00:22:57,290
which is me, in front of
the "I am bent" sign

519
00:22:57,375 --> 00:22:59,889
randomly intercut with bits
from <i>Family Guy.</i>

520
00:22:59,975 --> 00:23:02,773
It's not even funny! Why do people
fucking do that on YouTube?

521
00:23:02,855 --> 00:23:06,450
Look, let's learn and grow
from this experience.

522
00:23:06,535 --> 00:23:09,686
We can make a blacklist of words
you should never stand in front of,

523
00:23:09,975 --> 00:23:11,408
in case the press get to do
something like that.

524
00:23:11,495 --> 00:23:12,723
- Peacock.
- Peacock, of course.

525
00:23:12,815 --> 00:23:15,045
Shuttlecock. Spatchcock.
Anything cock, really.

526
00:23:15,455 --> 00:23:17,923
Do you remember that
folk singer, Tim Hardin?

527
00:23:18,095 --> 00:23:20,928
Well, you'd be able to get
"I'm hard" out of that.

528
00:23:21,015 --> 00:23:24,644

Coarse fishing, that could be

"arse fish" if you crop that.

529
00:23:24,735 --> 00:23:27,932
And walkie-talkie could be
cropped to say alkie, twice.

530
00:23:28,015 - -> 00:23:29,209
There are no w alkie-talkie...

531
00:23:29,295 --> 00:23:31,286
Why would I stand in front
of a walkie-talkie sign?

532
00:23:31,375 --> 00:23:32,410
Malkie-Malkie.

533
00:23:32,495 --> 00:23:34,133
Well, you know, Howard, she's not bent,

534
00:23:34,215 --> 00:23:36,445
neither in the sense of
being corrupt or being gay.

535
00:23:36,535 --> 00:23:39,811
And by the way, that's an incredibly
homophobic headline, you massive poof.

536
00:23:39,895 --> 00:23:43,808
You've got egg on your face, Howard.
You over-easy pissbag.

537
00:23:43,935 --> 00:23:47,689
Oh, hey, Yoko Ono and the two
remaining Beatles, piss off.

538
00:23:47,935 --> 00:23:50,847
Right. Any chance we could just
skip over the usual abuse bit

539
00:23:50,935 --> 00:23:53,210
and move on to the part
where we sort this out?

540
00:23:53,295 --> 00:23:55,445
Yeah. You need to make a decision.

541

00:23:55,535 --> 00:23:57,810

Are you still going ahead with
the private school? Because if you are,

542
00:23:57,895 --> 00:24:01,888
we need to draft a statement saying
that your husband is leaving his job.

543
00:24:01,975 --> 00:24:03,294
Are you taking the piss?

544
00:24:03,375 --> 00:24:06,128
You're expecting me
to choose between

545
00:24:06,335 --> 00:24:09,327
fucking up my daughter's life
and fucking up my husband's life?

546
00:24:09,415 --> 00:24:12,009
- Yeah.
- So I just have to choose between them,

547
00:24:12,135 --> 00:24:15,730
like they're on some fucking
cosmic dessert trolley?

548
00:24:15,815 --> 00:24:18,283
Listen, darling, I can't fight
on two fronts, you know?

549
00:24:18,375 --> 00:24:21,173
If the press run with both
these stories, you're fucking dead.

550
00:24:21,255 --> 00:24:23,485
You set this up, didn't you?

551
00:24:24,415 --> 00:24:27,612
- What?
- To put me in my place?

552
00:24:27,775 --> 00:24:30,892
Or get back at me
for ignoring your advice?

553
00:24:31,375 --> 00:24:35,493
Or some other weird perceived slight

that doesn't in any way merit


554
00:24:35,575 --> 00:24:39,363
this massive fucking out-of-proportion
Israeli-style response.

555
00:24:39,455 --> 00:24:42,208
You don't realise, I'm your
fucking fairy godfather, right?

556
00:24:42,295 --> 00:24:44,763
- Jesus. God help me.
- I'm your fairy fucking godfather.

557
00:24:44,855 --> 00:24:47,449
But I haven't got a magic wand
that I can wave about,

558
00:24:47,535 --> 00:24:49,730
I've got a fucking Blackberry
and a chiv.

559
00:24:49,815 --> 00:24:53,285
You've got a decision to make,
you make it. Talk to you later.

560
00:24:53,375 --> 00:24:57,050
Malcolm. Sorry, can we just carry on
talking about that thing?

561
00:24:57,135 --> 00:24:59,251
Was it you who positioned me there?

562
00:24:59,335 --> 00:25:03,089
Do you know what the first sign
of madness is? Paranoia.

563
00:25:03,775 --> 00:25:05,288
Have you seen that film,
you know, <i>A Beautiful Mind?</i>

564
00:25:05,375 - -> 00:25:07,331
The one with t hat Russell Crowe.


565
00:25:07,415 --> 00:25:10,054
The one with the maths guy
who thinks that the CIA

566
00:25:10,135 --> 00:25:13,445
are working away in a shed at
the bottom of his garden. That's you.

567
00:25:13,535 --> 00:25:15,765
No. I am not the mad one here.

568
00:25:15,895 --> 00:25:17,806
You are the mad one.
You're Russell Crowe.

569
00:25:17,895 --> 00:25:21,046
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
You are Russell Crowe.

570
00:25:21,135 --> 00:25:23,330
And you need to fucking
listen to me, Russell,

571
00:25:23,415 --> 00:25:27,693
you fucking Antipodean
fucking kangaroo-loving fruitcake.

572
00:25:27,775 --> 00:25:30,926
See, this poster stuff?
That's fucking small fry.

573
00:25:31,015 --> 00:25:33,404
That's fucking whitebait,
Russ, me old cobber.

574
00:25:33,495 --> 00:25:34,974
The really horrible stuff,

575
00:25:35,055 --> 00:25:37,808
that's all still about to
happen to you, right?

576
00:25:38,255 --> 00:25:40,610
Right, you're coming in here
so we can carry this on?

577
00:25:40,935 --> 00:25:43,574
- What, now?
- Lf you can spare the time.

578
00:25:44,775 --> 00:25:46,174

Uh, no.

579
00:25:46,735 --> 00:25:50,250
I... No. I can't... I don't use lifts,
I'm claustrophobic.

580
00:25:50,415 --> 00:25:52,292
(LIFT BELL DINGING)

581
00:25:54,255 --> 00:25:56,815
- You're what?
-  Not hugely.

582
00:25:56,895 --> 00:26:01,252
I can be in rooms, you've seen that.
I just don't do lifts, that's all.

583
00:26:01,895 --> 00:26:04,967
But this lift is...
I mean, it's fucking huge!

584
00:26:05,055 --> 00:26:08,968
I mean, this is bigger than some rooms,
this is bigger than some people's flats.

585
00:26:09,055 --> 00:26:12,604
- It's about not being able to get out.
- Oh, well, that's great.

586
00:26:12,695 --> 00:26:15,971
That's fucking great. That's another
fucking thing right there.

587
00:26:16,055 --> 00:26:18,694
Not only have you got a fucking
bent husband and a fucking daughter

588
00:26:18,775 --> 00:26:20,652
that gets taken to school
on a fucking sedan chair,

589
00:26:20,735 --> 00:26:23,568
you're also fucking mental.

590
00:26:23,655 --> 00:26:24,974
Jesus Christ. See, you,

591

00:26:25,055 --> 00:26:27,694

you are a fucking omni-shambles,
that's what you are.

592
00:26:27,775 --> 00:26:29,493
You're like that coffee machine,
you know,

593
00:26:29,575 --> 00:26:31,930
"From bean to cup, you fuck up."

594
00:26:33,815 --> 00:26:37,205
- He so is Russell Crowe.
- TERRl: Who?

595
00:26:37,575 --> 00:26:40,453
Nicola, I did want to tell you that I...

596
00:26:40,535 --> 00:26:43,003
I did try to get a message
through to Olly...

597
00:26:43,095 --> 00:26:44,847
- I know.
- I've been doing this,

598
00:26:44,935 --> 0 0:26:47,893
you know, a long t ime now.
By which I mean, y ou know,

599
00:26:47,975 --> 00:26:50,853
in an experienced,
firm-hand-on-the-tiller sort of way.

600
00:26:50,935 --> 00:26:53,972
Not in a, you know, clapped-out,
over-the-hill kind of way.

601
00:26:54,055 --> 0 0:26:56,364
- Yeah, I know.
- I've learnt to l ook out

602
00:26:56,455 --> 00:26:59,731
for these sort of things and
I have developed a kind of

603
00:27:00,175 --> 00:27:02,848
sonar for them now, like a bat.


604
00:27:02,935 --> 00:27:04,812
Glenn, do you want to...

605
00:27:04,895 --> 00:27:08,365
Do you want to maybe stay on?
I could use that sonar.

606
00:27:08,455 --> 00:27:10,491
- Batty man.
- Right!

607
00:27:11,015 --> 00:27:15,691
Uh, forgive me. I think that's
jamaican slang for "homosexual".

608
00:27:15,775 --> 00:27:17,652
Yes, I was thinking that
as I said it, I'm really sorry.

609
00:27:17,735 --> 00:27:19,566
- I didn't...
-  No, no, no, no.

610
00:27:19,655 --> 00:27:21,088
- Right.
- Okay.

611
00:27:23,095 --> 00:27:24,494
(SMIRKS)

612
00:27:25,015 --> 00:27:28,974
NICOLA: I'm on my way down.
See you by the front door, Elvis.

613
00:27:29,815 --> 00:27:32,454
- Have you decided?
- Oh, shit.

614
00:27:32,535 --> 00:27:34,173
Yes, Malcolm, you know I have.

615
00:27:34,255 --> 00:27:36,211
I decided the minute
you told me I had to decide.

616
00:27:36,295 --> 00:27:39,526

- I'm going to change Ella's schools.

- Good for you.

617
00:27:39,615 --> 00:27:42,652
Listen, I'm going to try and get
your social mobility thing moving.

618
00:27:42,735 --> 00:27:44,248
I talked to the Chancellor.

619
00:27:44,335 --> 00:27:46,610
I'm gonna really keep banging
away at it, you know,

620
00:27:46,695 --> 00:27:48,526
like Charles Hawtrey
on a sleeping guardsman.

621
00:27:48,615 --> 00:27:50,606
Okay. I mean, she's...

622
00:27:51,055 --> 00:27:52,966
- She's very bright, so...
- Yeah?

623
00:27:53,055 --> 00:27:54,408
They say if you're very bright

624
00:27:54,495 --> 00:27:56,804
then it sort of doesn't matter
what school you go to.

625
00:27:56,895 --> 00:27:58,294
That's true.

626
00:27:59,135 --> 00:28:01,410
That is very true. Hey!

627
00:28:02,695 --> 00:28:04,925
See you later, state educator.

628
00:28:07,615 --> 00:28:11,403
GLENN: It's a highly expensive
lumbar support chair, for God's sake.

629
00:28:11,855 - -> 00:28:14,733
Oh, don't be r idiculous.

I mean, that's paper recycling,


630
00:28:14,815 --> 00:28:16,885
it's not going to be there, is it?

631
00:28:17,215 - -> 00:28:18,443
I'm going to c all you in the morning

632
00:28:18,535 --> 00:28:21,447
and if you're not there,
you're in big trouble.

633
00:28:21,535 --> 00:28:22,650
Glenn,

634
00:28:22,735 --> 00:28:26,933
see this Dickensian hysteric
who's just gone home?

635
00:28:27,015 --> 00:28:28,607
Here's what you do, right?

636
00:28:28,695 --> 00:28:30,845
You make like the great Oz, yeah?

637
00:28:30,935 --> 00:28:33,654
You make a big noise to impress Nicola.

638
00:28:34,375 --> 00:28:38,004
But secretly, you're wanking behind
the curtain to me all the time.

639
00:28:38,095 --> 00:28:40,893
You want me to pass
information to you?

640
00:28:40,975 --> 00:28:43,489
Don't kill yourself, though.
Well, not over this, you know.

641
00:28:43,575 --> 00:28:46,135
I just want you to make
her feel good, you know?

642
00:28:46,215 --> 00:28:49,048
You can be a friend of
Dorothy's, can't you?


643
00:28:49,735 --> 00:28:53,887
Then we'll all get some
fucking peace around here!

644
00:28:55,975 --> 00:28:59,604
Right! I'm away to wipe my arse
on pictures of Nick Robinson.

645
00:28:59,695 --> 00:29:00,969
I'm getting good.
I  can give him a quiff.
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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