Listen and Be

Damned
Provocative discussions for the
Aspiring Manager &
Those going up the ladder.

Eye-opening essays with a satirical

touch from a senior manager with
over 40 years of experience in
marketing, manufacturing and
managing companies + Counseling.

Feedback: You are welcome to write-

write-

thisbusinessofliving@yahoo.com

Kind attn: Pradeep Maheshwari

http://sites.google.com/site/pradeepmaheshwaris164gk1del/
http://sites.google.com/site/pkcentreforchange/Home
Contents
Page & serial number
1. 1 Conditioned and Stamped
6. 2 Engaged and Busy
10. 3 Familiarity Breeds Contempt
15. 4 If you don’t Mind
20. 5 Have you made your Statement?
25. 6 Is your Commitment Total?
29. 7 Karmic Analysis
33. 8 Knowing thru Words
37. 9 Listen and Be Damned
41. 10 Living without Money
45. 11 Mental Interference
49. 12 Missing the Movement
53. 13 Numerology in HR
57. 14 On a Leash
62. 15 Out of the Time Frame
66. 16 Pride in Lawlessness
69. 17 Promote Yourself
73. 18 Resolved, Signed and Sealed
76. 19 Saying Thine Part
80. 20 Eyes Wide Shut
84. 21 Stealing Credit
88. 22 Taking Notes
91. 23 The Club of Givers
94. 24 The Plight of Traditional
Weavers
99. 25 The Value of Appreciation
103. 26 The Value of Training Programs
108. 27 The WHYs behind the whys
113. 28 To Marry or Not
121. 29 Turning Point
125. 30 Upgrade or Perish
129. 31 When to Scold

I am also adding in this collection some

write-ups from my earlier books “
CLEVERNESS vs INTELLIGENCE” &
“COME PAPA COME”. I feel the
importance of the subject matter has
not diminished and they are worth
repeating here.

133. 32 Contradicting Lovingly

137. 33 Futility of It ALL
141. 34 Give Them Rope
147. 35 I Did Tell You
151. 36 Living in the Comfort Zone
155. 37 Opt for Change
160. 38 Removing or Promoting
164. 39 Ridicule is a weapon
168. 40 Shall We Ever Learn?
173. 41 The Case for Taciturnity
176. 42 Tomorrow Never Comes
179. 43 What is Bothering You?
187. 44 The World Matters Not
190. 45 Fear of rejection
1

1. Conditioned and Stamped.

Personality development classes promise a

new you after about 10 sessions. The entire
curriculum is based on the belief that “We are
masters of our destinies”. It is a very
invigorating thought. In reality it is a good
ploy for making money but that is another
story. A little scratching of the surface
nature will show how deeply we are
“conditioned” by our earlier days with our
parents, teachers and families. Later on we
pick up other innumerable fixed ideas from
the many theories being expounded around
us. Simple things but effectively that can
make or mar our lives.

We put on so many mental gags over ourselves

and then would rather be martyrs to our cause
than speak-up or do what our inner being is
urging us to.

How much of our conscious reasoning is

intelligently controlling our lives? Are all our
acts premeditated and objectively thought
out? Is our “intelligence” our master or
something else? How often do you say or have
said that “It slipped my mind”? If the answer
is –often- then it is clear that some other
process rules our actions and gives direction
to our lives.
2
The other I paid a visit to my cousins. I saw a
good example of mental gags in action. I felt
that their one year old grandchild was
undernourished. So I brought up the subject
on what she was feeding the child. The
question was couched in a form that made it
look like as if I was asking for her advice.
After all she has brought up 5 children of her
own. I was surprised to hear that she was
feeding the child mainly on diluted buffalo
milk. I made my surprise show and asked her
why she was depending on the buffalo milk
being supplied by a milkman who was himself
buying the milk from unknown sources. In
India it is well known that milkmen dilute the
milk with tap water which can be highly
contaminated with industrial pollutants in the
cities. The dairy owners boost their
productions with unqualified and uncontrolled
use of steroids given to the buffaloes. It is a
well known fact that milk is being doctored to
increase quantity with questionable
ingredients. The reply that I got from my
cousin sister was even more shocking than the
piece of news of using buffalo milk. It seems
they had asked their pediatrician and he
okayed the use of buffalo milk on the ground
that milkmen are known to dilute it and the
diluted form of the milk is okay for the child.
Use of buffalo milk in even our grandfather’s
times was not advised for kids. It was always
cow’s milk.
I could simply not understand what was
3
motivating them. They seemed to have put a
lock on the door of their own intelligence and
going solely by the intelligence of the doctor
who it seemed to me was more influenced by
his village life lore than his education in a
medical school. Additionally he advised the
boiling of the plastic feeding bottle for 15 mts
each time which I would say would permit
some amount of leaching from the ingredients
used to manufacture the bottle, the paint on
it and the nipple. What did I do in this
situation? Nothing! I did not think it polite to
correct them and disturb their status quo. My
comments would most probably be taken as
fault finding. After all I was not having any
Diploma to back my assertions. Yet next day I
asked my mother to talk to her niece and
advise them to change some of the practices.

Another nephew of mine had the same

problem after he returned from a stint at his
grandparents. The nephew asked me my
opinion considering the fact that his child was
not growing as expected. In this case I spoke
up and virtually ordered the nephew to
change the regime. Modern medicine
formulations offer us many ready made
remedies and preparations and I advised him
to change to more nourishing products. Within
a month improvement in the child’s responses
were seen.

Life shows us how much and how often we are

wrong and even points out our faults but we
4
prefer to put in all our efforts to mask these
and continue on with a brave face. So many
instances of error yet our beliefs are eternally
as strong as ever,

How does one show anything to someone who

cannot see or/and refuses to see? Recently I
was called by a diplomatic mission to teach
English to a set of women who were wives of
the senior attaches. But the senior most
attache’s wife would not let me run the show.
She had decided that the most convenient
way to learn the language would be by
practicing grammatical exercises like she had
done at school. Every attempt of mine to
introduce them to the “living language” with
all its figurative connotations and idioms
failed miserably. She would just clam up in
class after terming it all “DIFFICULT”. Finally I
had to ask them to find another teacher. It
was like trying to make a myopic person see
the horizon when his focus was off kilter
beyond two meters.

So I come back to my question? Are we in

control or are there many other factors at
play? Most of us are strongly set in our ways
and traditions and act by habit rather than
conscious intelligence. I have said in other
instances that we live by what is convenient.
We follow the path of least resistance. We opt
for soft solutions to difficult problems and
5
complicate life further. Quite often when our
conscience and intelligence is telling us
otherwise, we fall prey to our “conditioning”
and take the easy obvious path. Quite often
we are simply blocked by our ego and refuse
to accept that there might be alternatives to
our way of thinking or even a different way to
the approach we have opted for. We become
possessive of our thoughts.

Are we really in control of our destinies?

6

2. Engaged and Busy.

The title may seem as if I am going to talk

about being professionally busy or posing as
such. No; I have another story this time.
These are the two words I hear very often
nowadays and I am prompted to talk about
some of the incidences that I have
experienced. Now let’s see how shall I bring
up the subject?

I have what can be called by ordinary world’s

standards arrived at a ripish age. An age when
people are planning retirements and wish for
quiet and I went and had a child who is now
three and a half years old. So I have a
bouncing child on my hands. My job is to be
with her all day and play with her and feed
and clothe and look after all her every other
need. It is a full time, 24hours job. I wonder if
people around me can see the effort I have
put in and the fatigue from sleep deprivation
as my bouncy little girl is keeping on my toes
and has completely annihilated my sleeping
and any thing other schedule. But I have
enjoyed every minute of the last three and a
half years. I suppose there have been
annoying moments when I lost my cool
because my needs were pitted against that of
the little imp and there is no discussing the
matter with her. But her smile and embrace
and joy at seeing me override everything.
7
So you get the picture? Now let me give you
another one or two.
Picture one:
I am out playing with my child in the
neighborhood park. It is chilly winter days so
many of the citizens are also present, sunning
themselves. Here is a friend who sees us and
the conversation goes like this:
Friend: Hullo. Playing with the child?
ME: Yes. (I would have thought that would be
obvious but then we tend to clarify so often
the obvious)
Friend: Yes somebody has to take her out to
play. (Again another obvious fact; don’t I
know it! I don’t believe in children being
raised by servants. My philosophy is simple:
either you should not go and have a child or
go the whole hog and raise the child yourself
properly)
ME: It is a full time job. (I don’t want to hurt
his feelings because he is trying to make
conversation but I have nothing to say really).
Friend: This is good you know. At least it
keeps you engaged and occupied (now this
bugs me. He has retired. He has no interests,
no work to worry about and of course he sees
the world though these conditioned lenses in
his eyes at my age I would be in the same
boat. What he does not see is that I love my
child and love being with her. It is the only
joy I have known. Going out to play is not a
chore but a definite pleasure. Anyway they all
know that I have multiple interests and that
with my small business and hobbies I am
8
rather hard pressed for time and the energy
to carry my objectives through. Yet I have
been hearing the same comments very often
from many many people over the past three
years.)
ME: Yes. Ha, Ha…..( what else is there to say
but to smile and move on)

Picture two:
The other day one of my elder cousin sisters
passed by and she is a “somebody”. She has a
Doctorate and has been a lecturer etc. She
really takes herself rather seriously. We meet
rarely. This time we met after four years. The
truth is she did not come to see me; she
thinks I am a wastrel. She had come to see my
mother. But I had to keep the formalities
alive so I came out for a moment from my
cubbyhole to say hullo. And this is how the
conversation unrolled:

Sister: So how are you and how do you keep

yourself busy? (I know the question does not
need an answer and even if I did there would
a negative analysis following it. So I keep my
cool).
ME: Fine. I now have a full time job (I try to
keep my tone jocular and hope the
conversation would end there. But no; these
elderly sisters have always something more to
say.)
Sister: This is good. It keeps your mind
engaged. (The trigger has been pressed and I
am annoyed but then I decide to play cool)
9
ME: Was my mind disengaged till now?
Sister: (A little embarrassed) No I meant busy.
ME: Ha, Ha.

What I wish to know is this need of everybody

to explain everything to me. All I have to do is
make a statement and the person will start
analyzing my motives and reasons & let me
know so. It could be that they themselves are
thinking aloud but it is definitely annoying and
conversation stopper to my way of thinking.

Do you have anything to say?

10

3. Familiarity Breeds Contempt.

This is a saying that most of us have heard of.

But how many of us take it seriously? I got a
wake-up call again about this fact when I
received a letter from a friend who is finding
it hard to adjust to the present day new world
order. The first impulse of most of us is to
contact family and close relatives when we
are in trouble or need help. Family is the first
pillar of strength we should generally rely
upon but I wonder if this is wise and the right
way to get out of any difficult situation we
have managed to find ourselves in; that too at
an elderly age.

I give here a portion of the letter:

I'm searching the web for jobs daily, a little

frustrating as there are no real opportunities
for elderly people like us.
"My" brother has decided to come to Germany
and to stay for a couple of months at mother's
house.
She lives alone in a spacey house, two
sleeping rooms not used as such.
On the other hand we are paying heavily like
over 740 Euro for lease per month, electricity
not included.
Right now we are surviving on my wife’s
monthly unemployment-wage of 1050 Euro
after she was prematurely retired as the
hospital was axing some jobs!
11
As Germany is a very costly place to live,
there is not too much left to cover all other
expenses, such as for food, etc.
"My" sister's living-partner runs a factory
producing tiles for ovens; he employs over 90
people, a very healthy enterprise. I've asked
him several times to give me the chance
working for his company as a sales rep.
He gave the job to one of his friends but not
to me.
Pradeep, the list reg. "my" family could go on
and on.
"My" aunt in USA runs several enterprises: fruit
plantations in California and Florida-/-
Walgreen markets in California and Arizona-/-
Holiday resorts in Nevada, California and
Florida and lots more; not to forget private
hospitals for the rich.
I've visited her several times in the past,
applying for a suitable position, but no
reaction.
When I received a birthday gift from her on
my 50th, a very sophisticated wrist watch, I
was not in the mood to feel any happiness,
satisfaction, or whatever.
Well, right now I do have to "fight", just to
survive.
To withstand all these disturbances is very
draining, because it is against my nature being
forced to fight all the time.

This is a classic case of Familiarity not helping

at all. The unfortunate part of “family” is
that they know us in great detail right from
12
the day we are born. Very little is hidden
from them. The worst is that although we may
think of our family as our near and dear ones,
they are first humans and relatives second.
Great errors of judgments can be made when
we forget this simple truth. Humans tend to
remember faults and forget the plus points far
faster than we would imagine and most often
the faults get embellished with time. Most
often they make their judgments on faulty
and incomplete information and news or
gossip. Family members are too close and
development of some contempt for each other
is a very sure thing. This grows worse as we
age as the memory baggage only adds to the
ammunition.

I give here the reply I gave:

The feeling I get is that you are too attached,

involved and expecting too much from your
family.
Family is good only as a foundation. Later in
life they become a mill-stone around your
neck because humans are very judgmental. Of
course some close relationships will always
remain but when you take it generally, be it
at home or at work, you cannot expect to
make friends and appreciative companions of
everybody. We are humans first and like any
one else, it is but natural that the family will
tend to use you for their personal advantage.
They know you from close quarters so they
are able to take advantage more easily.
13
If you are in a position of "want" today it is
because of faulty expectations from the
family. I can speak with authority as I have
experienced the same. I was always there for
my family for business and personal reasons
but when my turn came to ask them for
something, especially help, they refused point
blank. The criticism I received was quite a
shock.

The shock is more in the sense that I was

thinking of them as people who like and
appreciate me, and I found it was quite the
opposite. I found they were still judging me
on the basis of the mind they had made up
about me some 30-40 years ago. Nobody was
seeing me as I am today.

Under these circumstances, I did not have

many options. So the first step I took was to
quietly distance myself with the so called
“family” and maintain cordial relations. I am
now on speaking terms with everybody but I
don’t call them and they don’t call me. If I
die today, it will not make a difference to
anybody in the family. I have erased them
from my memory as people to fall back upon.
I have made a new family in my friends. And
believe me this is my real family who are
there in pleasurable times and difficult times
without questions and without judgments. I
now have such a large family that I do not
14
miss anyone from the old one given to me by
birthright.

When we are young, we need the family but

later on as we grow personally and
professionally, we need to recreate new
relations and outgrow being dependent on
people older than us whatever their economic
condition be. The family fixation invariably
keeps us tied to the childhood apron strings
which can never be a good thing.
15

4. IF YOU DON’T MIND….

Communication is the link between two

people yet we go to inordinate lengths to
make it complex and difficult. I have never
understood the logic behind this ice-breaker
that I hear often: “If you promise not to mind
then I have something to say”, which of
course implies that whatever is to be said is
unpleasant. This opening gambit has always
pleasantly surprised me.

Why would anyone insist on saying something

knowing that it would not be pleasant? Of
course the gambit also permits the speaker to
remain on the good side of the listener and
criticize him to his heart’s content. The use of
psychology in this is beautiful. Very rarely
does a recipient ever say: “if there are
chances that I may not like what is to be said
then I do not want to hear it”; rather his
curiosity aroused, he insists that he be told
and that he is man enough to take any
criticism. It is another matter that very few
can really maintain their equanimity once
they hear the permitted critical evaluation.

The number of people who actively invite

criticism, avowing that they wish to improve
themselves is also quite many. But it is
generally a show of openness that is totally
faked. If anyone has ever the kind temerity to
16
point out their fault, they normally have
arguments ready to counter it and their
annoyance is complete. On the other hand
intelligent people behave as if they have no
idea of human nature. We employ servants
and then expect them to be as knowledgeable
and intelligent or passionately involved in our
home or work as we are. Had the servant
been a person of this caliber, would he be
your servant?

I have been against the negative management

styles that I see around me. Especially the
way we take the opposite side of any
argument or statement to show that we are
better than the others.

Our management style is by scolding for

mistakes made. We have some established
notions of what is correct and what merits
chastisement and we follow-up on it with
gusto. If we go back in time a little, there was
a time when most senior managers came from
a similar social status and educational
backgrounds and there were not many faults
to find with each other. But today this has
become the very opposite. People from vastly
different economic, cultural and financial
backgrounds come together and there is
always bound to be something amongst our
brethrens that may rub us the wrong way.

The mature guy takes it in his stride but most

tend to compare the other with their own
17
selves and get irritated. The result is – “verbal
flare-ups” all around us. The manager takes
the route of righteousness and encloses
himself in indignation and the employee gets
dejected because he simply never is made to
understand the “why” of it. Is it so difficult to
understand that we can discuss things and
that we often chastise because we are in a
position to do so?

I have seen many people who can say their

point of view only in anger. They will normally
keep quiet and let things slide and then one
day they burst in anger and all the dammed
up complaints come out in one go in a
vehement show of anger. It is so immature,
this behavior. An unpleasant action
should be brought to notice and be discussed
right there and then and as far as possible
without anger; this eliminates
misunderstandings and stops the incident from
being repeated in its track. Of course, if the
other side continues to insist on his behavior
then a stronger dose of show of displeasure is
called for.

We even take this style in the upbringing of

our children. I have again never been able to
understand this attitude. My daughter is 16
months old and is now everywhere and into
everything. I think it is her natural curiosity
and she should be allowed to explore. But
everyone who sees me with her complains
18
that I am not scolding her enough and that if
she is not made to understand the correct
ways, she will become uncontrollable and end
up totally spoilt. My point of view is that she
is too young to understand and that this can
come later when I am in a position to explain
to her the pros and cons of each action.

Right now it is all play for her. More often

than not she is aping me. How can I scold her
when she has done no real wrong and surely
no deliberate mischief? And why, even if I
have something to say, why should I scold her?
It will only kill her curiosity and stunt her
persona. I use the method of distraction
when things are getting out of hand and
employ her attention elsewhere.

When we pre-empt others in speech or action

and try to control them in many other million
ways, we are only exercising the primary
human tendency to regulate & control
everything around us. We have a very high
opinion of ourselves most of the time. It is
only when disaster strikes that for a while we
see our faults and reflect. But for the rest of
our lives we are quite certain about our
wisdom and abilities and we even prove it and
justify ourselves by quoting earlier “Greats &
Gurus” as if we were on par with them while
we have nothing to say from our own fount of
experience and learning, except perhaps a
few biting words and make the world aware of
19
our own merits in comparison to the demerits
of the rest of the world!

The solution to these situations is to develop

a little charity in our thinking. Kindness and
creativity is needed. We need to help the
other learn if he is willing. Berating will only
create stiff opposition and bad blood. We
need friends around us; in it hides our own
happiness.
20

5. Have you made your statement?

Many of our decisions are based on thoughts

that arise within us influenced by our need to
be recognized. It is our vanity at work. Once
when I was a lot younger I was asked this
question – What is the difference between
Pride and Vanity? But that was then and I was
completely foxed. The teacher then took the
trouble of explaining it to me that that pride
was what we thought of ourselves and vanity
was what we wanted others to think of us.

Since then I have always kept a close watch

on my thoughts about myself and would try to
fit them into either “pride” or “vanity”
category. It is quite a difficult task if we are
sincere about it.

This leads us straight to the subject under

discussion. A few stories will explain my point
better. Let us use these stories to understand
and put us on our guard.

Here is a young man; comes from an

established industrial family and the only son.
It is not difficult for him to think of himself as
a cut above the rest. Then he goes to USA for
his MBA. Eventually he returns home and joins
his father to run the organization. He is
allowed to run his own companies that he is
allowed to form. His father had already
21
personnel so he was expected to use the
same. This created a subtle two layer clash of
interests as his father was keeping a strict
control over the running of the company and
the staff was not sure whose commands to
follow.

The knee jerk of the son was to try and

control more of what was happening in his
companies. So every now and then he would
call his executives and instruct them in detail
about everything and confuse the issue; even
going to the extent of dictating the letters on
behalf of his executives and crossing the “T”s
and dotting the “I”s as how situations should
be managed in the field. This was not only
annoying but time wasting as often he would
keep his executives locked up in his office for
hours in so-called meetings. He was, as I saw
it, making statements galore; some for his
pride and some for his vanity. It was needed
for his pride to show that he was running the
show and not just a puppet around there; and
for his vanity he needed to make sure that his
executives recognized his talents, education
and grasp of the situation.

He would go to great lengths to show-off his

inside knowledge even of the details of the
field even though he never left the comfort of
his office. An awful chasm would be created
in what needed to be done and what the boss
thought should be done. The poor executives
were literally sandwiched in between the
22
directives and at the same time under the
pressure to show results. The mess his
personality was in, soon began to show in the
results of the company’s balance sheet; a first
class blue-print for fiasco.

So on further analysis what essentially needs

to be understood is the question: are we
making statements or doing things that need
to be done?

One very good formula to separate the

requirement based actions from the
statement based actions is by asking the
question: Am I trying to impress others with
this action? Am I keeping at the back of my
mind what effect it will have on others? A
little introspection will do.

Let us say you go to the doctor for some pain

in the back. Nobody knows about it and you
are stoic enough to keep it to yourself. There
the doctor takes x-rays and advises rest and
medication. You do all these and come to
office the next week, refreshed and happy
and when asked where and what you were up
to, you smile and tell them that you had a
holiday as you felt the need for it; that being
that. This is a requirement based activity and
nothing of statement-making comes into the
picture.

In contrast I will tell you another story. A lady

manager of a bank was required to go to
23
inspect the veracity & genuineness of a client
who had asked for a loan for a car. At first
glance the address was from a lower middle
class neighborhood and that too in an area not
known for its nice ways. So she asked me to
go along with her. There was really no way
our car could go inside the colony. We left it
out on the main road and went in. The streets
were not more than 10 feet wide and
cluttered up with shops spreading out all over
the road. The client had asked to buy a Swift
Maruti which had been launched recently and
was quite the rage with the avant-garde lot.
Here too, in this case, the buyers were
relatively young people, quite evidently
buying a swift more to make a statement than
anything else as they were quite happy using a
motorbike for ease of maneuvering in traffic. I
could not contain myself and did ask where
they were going to park the car. On the street
outside they told me candidly. I kept my
peace after that as it was really between the
bank and them and of course the neighbors
when they would find their way blocked by
the wide-bodied swift.

Innocuous things like buying a tie, pen,

lipstick or dress can reflect our deeper
thoughts. Are we buying because we
absolutely want to because the product
appeals to us and complements our life-style
and our comfort zone or there are other
untold motives like making sure that others
24
would notice how classy, super-selective we
are? And often it may come to pass that
nobody bothers at all and all the money spent
and trouble taken comes to a disappointing
nothing.

So when you take decisions just reflect also

upon the reality factor; if you are doing
something for making a statement or really
and objectively it needs to be done. The
yardsticks that we are judged by are small,
very tiny actions and doings that give us away.
When our actions become obvious statement-
making ploys, we are only inviting derision
and sometimes even trouble.
25

6. Is Your Commitment Total?

We were discussing Karmic ramifications of

our actions. There is so much that is being
said, can be said and will be said on this
subject I suppose; all hearsay at best and no
one really in a position to contradict each
other. So it is one of the best conversation
topics where you can expound as much as you
feel like and as every action is particular to
itself and special to the next individual, the
discussions can go on and on safely with no
change resulting in any form except the
expounder goes home very proud of himself,
of his grasp of life’s essentials and his wisdom
with somewhere at the back of his mind this
thought that he has impressed his listeners
and made a mark!

Then I came across these few words from

OSHO(RAJNEESH) of Pune. He says we suffer
because we do not live whole-heartedly. All
our actions tend to be incomplete and sort of
hover around us waiting for their culmination.
What I understood from this and concur is that
we are busy doing too many things at the
same time and doing all of them badly;
thereby laying ourselves open to negative
karmic points with pending files remaining
open and following us like baying dogs. This,
if I am not mistaken is called Multi-tasking
nowadays. A way of working that I abhor.
26
Nothing is done with focus and proper
application. Till the last generation this was
not a problem as it has become today. The
culprits that have brought on this state of
affairs are squarely the mobile phone and the
laptop. Earlier we had to be in the right place
at the right time to do whatever was needed
to be done. Now we can be everywhere at the
same time and do whatever we want at any
given time. I think this is awful; the idea
should be to do less, live luxuriously and here
we are pushing ourselves to an early burn-out
by doing more. Humans really need to
reorient their philosophies.

One positive aspect of this change in our lives

is that it imposed on us the need to ask some
questions and therefore some research
projects on this subject were undertaken. It
was well known before that the average
human mind can hardly process more than one
activity at a time. Now it seems this is clearly
proven by case studies. So this business of
multi-tasking is all a lot of nonsense. Let us
see how long it will take for the human mass
to understand it and use this information in
their working styles.

Concisely and precisely it means that the

mind can focus on one activity alone at a
time; it can listen or talk or drive or type or
eat or kiss or whatever. The problem comes
when we do certain things by habit and while
in the act allow the mind to wander all over
27
the cosmos. We then leave “undone” karmic
footprints that drag us back, vociferously
demanding that we finish the job or at least
learn to do it differently and well the next
time or pay for the consequences.

Would you like some examples? Say a man is

eating. The food is of his choice and normally
he would have savored it to his entire
satisfaction. But he is in a hurry because his
mind is on the meeting in his office where he
aims to make a definite point and he hopes to
get a raise from it. There is also the need to
be aware of what goes on in the world so he
opens up the TV to watch the news. His wife
on the other hand has some complaints and
reminders and may even be talking to him
which as can be imagined he is saying yes-yes
to without listening. By the time he leaves,
settling down in his car, his phone to his ears
his mind is already properly muddled.

He has no idea what he has eaten; he has no

memory of having eaten at all. He has not
grasped any of the news and totally forgotten
about his wife. And in all this he has hasn’t
had a quiet moment to fully work out his
presentation in the meeting which he then
does not do too well. The eating, driving and
listening in the above episode being totally
mechanically habit driven; is this multitasking
or multishucksing?
28
As Osho(Rajneesh) explains, the mind not
being wholly satiated or satisfied, continues
to crave. This may show in excesses like binge
eating, passionate affairs, show-off purchases
and the like. A veritable vortex is created
that can envelope us in its negative impact
which then has the effect of creating stress,
bad decisions/attitudes and even more stress
and eventual misery.

I remember my grand mother with her rosary

beads coaxing the Lord to pay heed to her
woes with her mind on the pot of lentils on
the fire, giving commands to her daughters-in-
law. With what result; the Lord not being
addressed to properly, did not answer her
prayers, the pot of lentils boiled over, the
daughter-in-law went to into sulks every now
and then which had chain reactions in the
households and often tragic tantrums.

The scenario has changed a bit but not the

pattern.

Was it, is it all worth it; now, then or ever?

29

7. Karmic Analysis in Self-upgrading

In a general way most understand the theory

of Karma from the point of what was “DONE”.
A little introspection and quiet contemplation
will reveal two things: 1) that the course of
our lives is based more on the things that
were NOT DONE; the decisions which were not
taken. 2) that at every moment we are given
a simple choice of saying “yes” or “no” ; this
determines the course of our lives.

If our lives are in a mess or things are not

going forward as we had hoped, all we need
to do is look back and discover the steps we
did not take when we should have and the
steps that have brought us to this impasse.
The course correction is then obvious and the
best way to deal with the moment is by taking
the path that we should have but did not take
and do it as soon as possible with intensity
and sincerity as this effort will go a long way
to negate some of the effects of the past
doings or not-doings.

The truth is that deep in our hearts we all

know where we are going wrong and where
we have gone earlier. We are well aware of
our lacunas but cover it with coats of
appearances as if what the others “see” of us
is more important than living our lives to our
heart’s content. We put all our energies in
30
keeping up the pretence of being on top of
the world and look for magical solutions; if
not solutions then at least excuses that will
allow us to hold our head high and show to
the world how well we are holding on in this
unkind world.

Mankind is terribly clever. Statements like –

“Everything is preordained”; “If it is in our
destinies it will happen”; “It is all in the
stars”; “God wished it this way” and many
others in the same hue serve us well to sit
back and lament our condition rather than do
something about it. Our minds can place
arguments from old sayings and proverbs and
other great minds to prove our point as if
arguing and convincing our neighbor is the
final answer to our woes.

When the time comes for action we run to

soothsayers, astrologers, and practioners of
occult tricks and look for smart-quick fixes.
Millions of work hours and good money is
spent in poojas and practices to change the
flow of our miserable lives. Tell me truly, do
you really believe that your pooja down here
will change the position of Saturn up there? If
not then how do you expect a change to
occur? The reality is that you have been given
a non-negotiable state. No choice here; the
parents, the place of birth, brothers, sisters,
later the teachers, friends all these are
already fixed. Before you know or understand
what is going on decisions have been piled up
31
on you and your personality formed by the
dictates of others. After the harm has been
done, you are expected to go out and make
something out of this bad bargain and be
successful in this world.

It is obvious that lamenting or trying to wash

the sins off in the Ganges won’t help. Asking
help of the stars through appeasement won’t
help either because they are the ones who put
you where you are in the first place. So comes
the big question; what can you do?

First of all stop talking of past lives and often

taking this as the perfect pretext towards our
helplessness and as an excuse to the un-
changeability of the course of our fate and
lives. This is very convenient thinking and an
oversimplification which suits mankind very
well as it absolves them from the effort to
make the necessary change and correction in
their lives.

Sit down and analyze your karmic path up to

date. Study your own nature and note the
actions and reactions that you are prone to.
Work out the steps that you can take with
immediate effect to alleviate or bring in the
wanted change and go ahead & take the first
step. This is psycho-analysis of a kind. You
will realize soon enough what is wrong and
why. Then the solution will become obvious in
a flash and you will be free to start all over
again with a new path opening out in front of
32
you.

Your effort is an integral part of your destiny.

You will realize that you have been given

some positive streaks in your nature which are
your strengths and also some negative streaks
which are your weaknesses. You are required
to learn from life’s incidences and overcome
the negative turns in your life by using your
strong attributes and by suppressing the
harmful possibilities that happen from your
negative attributes.
33

8. Knowing thru Words

The big question is how does one learn about

new phenomenon thru words, or even pictures
and other previously known data or facts;
more to the point is the question - is it at all
possible? When we read about new things all
we have are words and thru the words we try
to paint a picture in our mind. How reliable is
the picture that we make? Even when we have
pictures or diagrams to facilitate our
picturising does it really do what was
intended? The answer is a flat no. At best we
can expect a very poor approximate. Even
with very vast experiences and exposure, with
very well written words to explain in detail,
the feel cannot be obtained and that will
never make the experience complete.

Everyone has sometime or the other seen

lovely pics of snow laden countryside mainly
in calendars as the main picture for the
winter months. It gets 8 degrees minus out
there and a wind is blowing. Taking the chill
factor the cold is like 20 deg minus. But here I
am in Delhi; a resident from the warm plains
of India. It does get cold here too but. Even if
I went and sat in the refrigerator, I would not
realize the way the cold gets into the bones;
especially when it goes on and on and there is
nowhere to run away from it. All I can do is
34
compare it with the cold I have known and
because I am from the desert region, more
used to the heat at 30 to 40 deg C, even the 5
degrees of Delhi are enough to give me the
shivers. Then we do have the experience of
chilly winds coming down from the
mountainous regions so we can easily visualize
by stretching the imagination what is
happening to the people in the picture. But
what about the people further south living
comfortably in the south of India by the sea
side? Will they ever understand? Can’t see
how?

It is a rare person who can pass thru the

barrier of words to experience anything. I am
not aware of anyone with this capacity. Words
are self limiting. Adding to this limitation is
the fact that in everybody’s memory any
given word will pop up pictures which are
different from individual to individual. What
cold means to me may mean totally something
else to the other guy who constitutionally can
tolerate extreme cold dips and still be
comfortable in a T shirt. Somebody who has
not seen the seas can only compare the word
picture of the sea shore and the horizon by
comparing to a lake he has known. Even by a
long stretch of the imagination he will never
really realize the vastness. A picture would
help and thank God for photography.

If the above discussion hasn’t convinced you

then let me put up a question. If you are a
35
land lubber, and I explain to you the
intricacies of swimming with words, action
and charts and throw you in the water, do you
think you would be able to swim? Most likely
not; most likely you would panic, take in
water and get absolutely terrified and forget
every iota of instructions given and scream for
help and hate me ever after.

The only way to acquire knowledge is by going

through the mill. I bring this subject up today
because I see so much of the printed word
which is available is an exercise in futility.
Most of the time all that is being said is
totally beyond the experience of the reader.
It may only end up giving him the impression
that he knows but in reality all it will do is
give him a swollen head but no knowledge of
the real issues. Experience cannot be
duplicated by words.

In olden times, it was a sacred rule to pass on

words of information and wisdom only to
those who it was felt would appreciate it and
would know how to make use of it for further
self improvement or action. But today
everyone is a “Wise Man”. His head full of
info actually creating a screen that separates
him from reality.

Take the subject of spirituality. I see words

and reams of printed paper explaining
everything in beautiful detail. Words like
Truth is God; meaningless. The word Truth is
36
open to millions of explanations and God even
more so. Words like this “the world is an
illusion” – ask the guy who has to take a jam
packed bus everyday to work what it means to
him. Few people can speak softly to their
children and love them unselfishly but they
think they understand “COMPASSION”; not
only understand they even think that they
have been able to inculcate it into their very
being. Others spend hours in meditation and
read the Gita and other texts and loose their
cool every time somebody crosses their path.
But talk to them and you will see that they
are fully convinced of their superiority and
even critical of others less endowed than
them.

Coming closer to earth, I have the same to say

of most managers. They are well read and
spout many theories. They can discuss
everything under the sun but when it comes
to the crux, they do not know how to handle
an irate customer or even a disgruntled
employee.

Be wary of words. Don’t let them fool you into

complacency. The thumb rule is if you have
not experienced it, you don’t really know. So
go after the experience. It will teach you
more in am minute than you can learn thru
hours of book learning.
37

9. Listen and Be Damned.

I am tired of being told that to live a more

efficient life I need to become a good
listener. Open any book on self development,
spiritual emancipation, marriage counseling or
management science and the same advice
glares at you from all sides. All the glitches
are from poor listening if there is any listening
in the first place. Not a single writer,
philosopher or guru ever mentions the other
side of the picture.

Tell me how will listening help? I am here to

make my life easy; not yours. If I listen, I put
myself in the unedifying position of wanting to
better myself and do a good job. This would
in turn bring in appreciation and then
everybody would be gunning for me to do
more. No sir! I just wish to bide my time and
would like a lot of margin to hedge my bets. I
love people with poor language abilities and
even poorer interpersonal behavior patterns.
In this situation I am always able to find
excuses and faults enough to cover my
intentions of not wanting to do anything in
the first place. I sincerely have not
understood how listening could be of help to
me. I live in my very private cocoon; perfectly
smug in my little comfortable corner. I am
aware of my faults and till date I have been
covering them up quite well; or at least I
38
think so. From what I can see, listening can
only bring me a host of complications. I can
site many examples. I would rather spend my
time arguing it out (what would politely be
called discussion) than really going about
doing wonderfully all that I am capable of
doing and gather praises.

My wife asks me to put out the garbage. But

as she likes to talk long distance with her face
mostly in the opposite direction with her face
stuck inside some pot or shelf, it gives me the
perfect excuse to feign as if I never heard
anything and ignore the situation, hoping that
she would do the job herself. If I am caught
out there would be enough arguments up my
sleeve to at least put up a show of
indignation. You see I simply cannot make it
easy for her. If I did so, the number of jobs
that I would end up doing would only grow in
number. Believe me, I am better off with my
reputation of being absent-minded, partly
deaf or weak in the head or whatever.

In the office, I always put up a good show of

listening while my mind is flitting all over the
globe. It is a good thing they can’t see my
thoughts. Last evening I was called in by my
boss. He wanted me to receive a company
head at the airport; a job he was slated to be
doing himself. Now I definitely do not
appreciate being ploughed into this kind of
secretarial duties. So I said nothing then, but
an hour before the flight, I rang up the boss to
39
tell him that I was 40 kms away on another
job I had been assigned and docilely started
asking him for advice on how to complete the
job to his entire satisfaction. Now he was in a
fix. Here I was asking for advice while he
wanted to be angry and ask me why I was not
on the way to the airport. Finally he did ask
the question. I had already rehearsed my
answer. So I showed surprise and replied that
was it not in the morning that I was supposed
to go to the airport. The boss fumed and knew
that he had been outfoxed and went himself
eventually. So you see!

Now I am no junior either but my boss is one

step ahead of me and does not let me forget
it. He tries to ply me with work that he should
be doing himself. My plate is already full and
he knows it. So what; that does not stop him.
Now you would readily have reckoned, the
whole of my existence is to slip out of sticky
situations. If I listened it would be the end of
me.

The truth of the matter is that humanity does

not want to listen. We live in a very self-
centered world and are content to be there.
Listening opens us to betterment and that is
not really desired. What would happen to our
personal agendas that in the normal course
we dare not expose to others? Listening allows
seeds to be sowed in the heart which will, of
course, grow and upset the status quo no end.
40
Here I have just brushed the subject as far as
we see in our daily existences. The truth is
that NOT listening is the norm; even in other
more truthful environments like spirituality,
ashrams and religious societies. Life is lived
like a charade with many lies being promoted
and practiced because it suits everybody. I
look at my own and the life of others around
me. Believe me I am not really surprised. I
don’t see anyone achieving their human aims
by playing clean and fair. Lies, even evident
lies are vehemently promoted and lapped up.
To believe me all you need is to see some of
the adverts on the TV, some of the truths
propagated by religious leaders, some of the
principles of schooling in practice, most of the
medical principles advanced and found
wanting and continued nevertheless. Listening
means peeping in corners we are really not
keen on. It then insists that attention be paid,
being alert and aware. Who in the name of
heaven really wants all that? I am appalled at
the idea that my amour proper will have to
take a back seat. This won’t do at all.
Listening would mean throwing the science of
keeping appearances in the dustbin and
revealing ourselves in all our insincere
nakedness to the world. Sorry this is not
acceptable and that is that! I am here to
fulfill my selfish ends and am not averse to
join in the drama. Once I have made my pile
that will allow me to live out my life to my
wishes, who would care about listening
anyway?
41

10. Living with out money.

Somebody wants to know "How to live without

money". Boy! What a coincidence that this
question came to be asked of me. Considering
that I have lived most of my life without an
adequate supply of the essential moolah, I
must be an expert on this subject. From the
last I can remember I have had to mooch and
plan for even to most of banal things; even a
cup of coffee. But by golly, was it fun?

On the question of coffee or any other,

essentially to mooch you have to have friends
and in that I have enjoyed exceptional Grace
of the Lord. Now my policy is that only fools
buy them; whatever these things are. So here
was my day planned out. Early morning visit
to a friend and of course coffee and browse
his newspaper. Then reach the office of
another friend just in time for the most divine
coffee again. And later if lunch could be
fitted in, that would be fine but not as
important as the coffee. The 4 pm coffee was
the cup that required all my meticulous
planning but I managed it for 25 years so I
suppose I did well.

Let me relate to you how planned my life

42
without money. I bartered my knowledge of
the French language by teaching at the local
YWCA and received in return a bunch of bank
notes which were exchanged for a bike and
camera etc. Then I wanted to go to France as
some friends invited me. So I bartered the
camera and bike for new bank notes that
were exchanged for an airline ticket. But I am
not that stupid to blow it all off. So I asked an
uncle to refer me to some family friends who
gave me a bunch of pearls to explore a
market for them in France. I gave those pearls
away to anyone who would give me in return
for a paper that would be legal tender for a
new camera and some left over.

Back at home I paid the friends for the pearls,

bought a new bike and astonished everybody
with my new camera; not to say with
everybody wondering how I managed a trip
abroad on my kind of life and income.

But then I got tired of all this planning and I

got married and my saga ends there. We then
come to the original question of living without
money. The questioner presumes: In olden
days people used the barter system. If this is
possible then black money from the system
will vanish, hunger for amassing wealth will
vanish, so many good things will happen.

The poor deluded guy. Humans are humans.

Nothing good can ever come out of their
43
propensity to grab and accumulate. Nothing
comes of nothing. Barter or not, nothing good
will happen; of that I am certain.

There is a buyer and there is a seller. How

intensely the buyer wants the seller’s product
will decide the exchange rate and the level of
fleecing; above or below the table. So let’s be
pragmatic.

Seriously speaking aren’t we missing

something? What after all is money? If you are
referring to gold mohurs and paper bank notes
then they are just that. They are pieces of
metal or paper. It could as well be sea shells.
It is the value you give them that makes them
what they are: an exchange rate valuation of
goods, products and services. So this is the
wrong way to study this subject.

The point is that we have to give to get. We

may think we are enjoying things free of cost,
but are we really? Cash or kind, payment is
always in the pipeline. You were not under
the impression that I got all my coffees, scot-
free? That would be the understatement of
the year. I paid by doing odd jobs; being of
service in some way or the other. It just
happened that I do have some subjects of
interest in which I am considered good and
advice and help was in demand. And I gave it
freely, after all free cups of coffee, meals and
what-not did not come by out of the blue.
44
So the long and short of it is: there is no living
without money or some exchange system.

Even my three year old daughter won’t give

me a kiss without a bar of Cadbury’s
chocolate being waived around in the
background. And about my wife’s payment
schedule it would be best not to talk about it
at all!

Money is an optical illusion. Try to get a free

cup of tea from an hotelier and you will see?
Either you will pay in predetermined
exchange rate via bank notes or else wash the
dishes in his establishment!
45

11. Mental Interference.

Do we always receive messages by ear and

eyes correctly? Once heard or seen do we
then act on them impartially and precisely?
My perception is that we do not. We tend to
over do the thinking part from our side and
we tweak the info a little to suit and fit into
our perceptions of things. In the execution, it
then gets terribly garbled or modified.

Once I was making a miniature indoor rock

garden. The handyman of the owner of the
house was helping me. I asked for a metal
tank of a certain size and specifically gave
him the measurements of length, width and
height. When the tank arrived it was
considerably higher than needed. So I, a little
peeved, asked the handyman why he made it
higher than what I had asked for. His reply
was that the price asked was the same for
both so he went for the extra height as he got
it free.

The thought that there might be a technical

or any other reason for the height never came
to him. That he was making changes in the
specs without understanding the final use of
the material did not bother him a tiny little
bit. And worst of all: with phones at both
ends, he could have easily called me up and
get the point cleared but then this is
46
something one does only if in doubt. His
actions were never in any way questionable to
his way of thinking.

This is not only mental interference but I

would add mental arrogance too.

It is this thinking for others that is the bane of

working together or living together. Why do
we have to show off our intelligence in things
that are not ours to worry about? But this is
awfully a fact of life and nothing, absolutely
no reprimand or orders ever changes the
stance. In the most insignificant things we
tend to meddle. I can rarely have cup of
coffee done my way. I like it very warm but
not boiling hot, a little strong but only half a
cup at a time and no espresso. This should be
a simple thing to obtain in this world one
would believe. My experience is to the
contrary.

I get what I want only when I make it myself.

On visits, my requests are simply overridden
by my hosts and they offer me coffee the way
they like it or what they understand by the
words “low in milk and sugar please” –
normally with too much milk and sugar
because they do not wish to be seen as stingy
and boiling hot and in the biggest cup they
can to please me!

The other day I sent my boy to buy

rechargeable batteries along with a charger
47
and a carry case for my new camera. This
chap has been with me since 16 years. I
normally give him the back ground of the
situation so that he can take proper practical
decisions on the spot if required. Then over
the last 12 years since he has had the mobile
phone, I have been drumming into him not to
decide on things he does not understand and
all he has to do is to give me a call and leave
the decision making to me. So, he goes and
gets me the case and the charger but not the
batteries. This is very annoying because what
I have are normal dry cells. I was to go to a
gathering where I wanted to take some
pictures and the normal dry cell would not
have carried me thru. So I asked him why he
had not bought the batteries and his candid
reply was that he had seen the batteries so he
assumed that I must have made a mistake and
did not really need them.

Similarly I can relate umpteen instances. Once

when designing the electronics for a washing
machine I asked a certain metal plate of a
certain thickness to be fitted in a very
particular way to avoid the vibrations shaking
the relay systems. Then I left the factory in
charge of the owner engineer to incorporate
the changes. In the afternoon I was rudely
woken up from my afternoon siesta by a call
that my system is not working at all and in
fact it has worsened the situation. So I rushed
back to the factory because it is now a matter
of my pride and the reliability of my technical
48
know-how at stake. There I soon see that the
plate is not of the thickness advised and not
fitted as I had instructed.

The owner engineer of the project had made

changes and then was complaining the most
loudly; totally oblivious that he was the
reason behind the problems. In this particular
case the interference was at every step. He
just could not resist interfering and he
delayed the project so much that another
manufacturer then pipped him at the post by
bringing out a machine before he could.
Otherwise he would have been the first one
and there were six marketing brands running
after him to take the machine under their
brand which would have been a great win.

This trait is universal and in force in every

small act or word in our lives. We should
make a concerted attempt to reduce this
factor to live happier and better lives.
49

12. Missing the movement.

Traveling from point A to point B in your own

vehicle can be quite an education in Delhi. We
see other drivers behave in a manner which
boggles the imagination. But I do not wish to
simply repeat what had been said often by
many writers and most drawing room
conversations. I wish to put forth a point
which I find hard to comprehend and
illustrate.

So in spite of the fact that I may sound a little

dry and mathematical, I will make an
attempt. First to make the point which is that
even though we are in a moving traffic we
calculate our position and movement vis-à-vis
that of others and take decisions as if every
other person was stationary, will remain so
and is an idiot to boot? Let me now attempt
to illustrate.

At the cross roads, the light is red. When it

goes green, you see the guy on the right
cutting in front of you to go towards the
intersection on your left. Why did he come to
the right at all? This is a mystery. We can only
guess from the visual treats given by other
drivers that the guy was in a hurry to overtake
everybody even if it meant it would land him
on the wrong side of the road. Then when the
time comes to move he shoots off towards his
50
destination – totally oblivious of the fact that
others will move too. How do you explain
that? And of course, the guy on your left
wants to go to the extreme right. And he will
cut right in front of you if he has to; you,
after all you are most probably there to just
watch the smart Alecs zipping about.

Now why did this guy land up on the left side

of the road when he wanted to go to the
right? We can only presume that he did so
because that was the only gap available to
him at the starting line and a good pole
position can mean everything in winning a
motoring race. Then we have to also consider
that his vehicle is designed as a racing
wheeler while all the others are on the road
to just see him jetting off. He has calculated
well that others are all stationary because
they don’t know better and will remain that
way. He is the only one with any sense to get
on with things.

Just the other day a motorcyclist came from

behind on my right, zipped in front of the car
at right angles and stopped at my left to talk
to another motorcyclist waiting for him there.
It was a beautiful little movement, deftly
executed. My heart went “bump” but my head
wondered why all this real ability of perfect
timing and control is being wasted on such a
useless and risky maneuver. Every time I read
about a two-wheeler being rammed by a bus
or truck, I think of these hard-cored bike
51
enthusiasts who are constantly risking their
lives just to slip in front of the next vehicle. I
am sure it is not just a matter of being in a
hurry; there is definitely a lot of pride behind
all this. I am convinced that in getting ahead
of others gives them a high; always forgetting
that all this is for naught as they would all
meet again at the next red light.

The same style of thinking and behaving can

be seen in other walks of life. In our
calculations we always forget that the world
is in constant forward movement. We are just
too warped up in ourselves. Yesterday at the
petrol pump the lady ahead of me would not
move her car even after the petrol had been
pumped in. She had to first get back her
change back and then make the milometer
readings in her diary and all this she was
doing comfortably as if there were no other
motorists on the road. Requests to her by the
pump attendants to move ahead a little so
that the other cars can take their fill was not
having any effect on her.

I find it hard to digest that anyone can be so

blind and blinkered. Soon they will be
outpaced and left to fend for themselves on
the sidewalk while the rest of the world zips
past. While these oldies were busy winning
pointless skirmishes, the battle-front moved
elsewhere and soon even the skirmishes
vanish from their lives. There is nothing left
52
but memories and a lot of moping to do.

But luckily we are small cogs in a very big

machinery and somehow or other we manage
along helped by friends, family and the
momentum of our own lives. Like in driving,
the saving grace is always the consideration
shown by others, the restrictive paths which
keep us bridled in and we get by or are
pushed along.
53

13. Numerology in HR

Using exotic systems to assess potential

capabilities of candidates is nothing out of the
normal. Astrology has been used in
management of business and kingdoms since
planning began. Today we have many more
simple systems like numerology and
graphology to fall back upon. From the
pragmatic point of view I would say there is
nothing wrong in depending on the data
provided by these systems if you tend to trust
them and even more so if the interpreter of
signs is trustable. There is of course a big IF
involved and you may lose a good candidate
by aspecting too much on just the numbers
and others signs without taking into account
mitigating factors and the sterling qualities of
the candidate.

I will admit that I have used numerology and

graphology with some success in my own life.
The basic facts that these systems provide are
enough to guide us on to the correct path or
at least give indication which way the wind is
blowing. But it is best kept personal. There
are too many factors at play. One of them is
“Effort” and this should also be taken to mean
that one should continuously make the effort
to learn about one’s profession and connected
subjects as much possible to arrive at mature
and correct decisions.
54
But this essay is more to highlight the
dependency shown by aspiring candidates
themselves in such esoteric sciences to land
jobs or plan their next career move. The focus
on “kismet” seems to me inordinately high. A
young man once phoned to ask me if he would
pass in his exam. My response was that if he
studied and prepared well for the coming
test, he should certainly succeed. His
response is indicative of the attitude of today:
he told me if I saw success in his life then he
would put in the effort otherwise what was
the point of it all?!

I met some people yesterday and thought it

would fruitful to put down the experience on
paper to share.

A mother along with her daughter paid me a

visit to take advantage of my practical
knowledge of numerology to know how things
would work out with her daughter but she
would not let the daughter speak. I stopped
her right there and asked her to keep herself
in the back ground for awhile so that I could
hear the daughter’s version. What had
transpired was something like this: The girl
was obviously brought up with only one end in
view: - marriage. She had been through the
entire Indian school program, yet she
obviously was not conversant with her basics
on any subject. I did not think it wise to ask
too much about the school. How these young
55
people manage to get through the exams
beats me. And what kind of teaching is going
on in our schools would be a good question to
pose.

The girl spoke only her dialectical version of

her mother tongue. She had no English and no
practical knowledge of anything at all. To top
this combination, life played her a bad trick.
The parents in their exalted wisdom married
her off at the age of 19. She had a child when
20; a separation at 21 and at the age of 23 a
depression.

She has been trying to look for a job since the

last 20 months with no success.

What was I to do? Numerology had no role to

play here. The daughter’s Q "When will I find
a job?" really had no reply as such in my book.

So I thought I would be bluntly honest and

told her that getting a job is easy when you
are trained for one. Jobs are essentially a
barter system at work. You give in term of
work and you get paid for it. What exactly
had she done in that line? Her answer really
put my pragmatism on hold. She told she
never got the time. With a mother running her
life and not only thinking for her but also
providing her with all she could want, she had
not even learnt to cook a simple omlette. Her
culinary prowess was limited to phone in a
pizzeria.
56
I wonder if parents realize what harm they do
to their children by over-cuddling and at the
same time over-patronizing them. There is
also this over dependency on the education
system to instill all the worldly, social, inter-
personal and other knowledge required to
navigate thru life. Even if they are being
raised for marriage, don’t they see that
marriage requires inter-personal and
household skills of some level of proficiency?

So I advised her to acquire some basic skills

like selling to begin with. She could begin by
joining a corporate showroom in the sales
dept and acquire experience. Side by side I
felt she would do well to learn both Hindi and
English properly, more suitable for the world
at large; all this with a focus on eventually
getting into a more specialized career as
needed in call-centers or junior executives in
corporate offices.

I now understand the comments being made

by management seniors that our young people
are not really employable. It is so sad.
57

14. On a Leash

In the evenings, I go out with my child for a

little while in the park in our residential
complex. It is a beautifully maintained park
and children from other complexes come
there too. In the last week two instances took
place which forced me to speak out and act.
Children of all ages, as young as few months
old were playing and of course with the
children there are many young ladies, both
parents and maids.

On some pretext or the other young servants

of the area want to come into that area of the
park; who knows when they will be noticed.
Watchmen have been kept to shoo these
young strollers but then the watchmen is not
always there and there are always some new
ones trying their luck.

The other day one young man came in with his

dog. A big black dog which was obviously
scaring the kids. So I asked him what was he
doing there with children all around; this is no
place to walk the dog. His reply was simple
“What can I do. The dog has pulled me here”.
Now this made me angry and I showed it. I
told him if he cannot hold the dog which is on
a leash anyway, he should stay at home and
leave the walking to his master and I would
beat him blue and black if he allowed the dog
58
to pooh where the children were playing. He
quickly beat retreat. Then about four days
later, the same thing happened again with
another caretaker and dog.

The surprising thing is that children from the

same houses visit the park too from where
these dogs are coming, yet the owners have
no respect and bring their dogs in this area to
let their dogs pooh. Have they no sensitivity
that they are dirtying the very area in which
their children will be playing later on and
opening the doors to sickness and worse?

Where does this attitude come from? Is it our

concept of secularism where everyone is
allowed certain leeway which is translated as
absolute freedom for everybody even if it is
causing a nuisance to others? If these dog
lovers are so serious about their dogs, why
don’t hey have a toilet made in their houses
for their animals instead of dirtying the entire
complex? You step into the pooh of animals
the moment you step out? Is the fundamental
freedom only for them? Do I not have a place
under this sun? What’s behind this need to
keep dogs anyway? It can’t be love for animals
because had it been love we would not
confine them to the congested life of the
cities.

Two recent forwards by email raised the same

question. Are we secular or hypocrites or
what? One email raised the question with
59
comparative pictures about the paintings of
M.F.Hussain and how they denigrate
Hinduism. Well, I must say I had never looked
into this subject with any interest until now
and had treated all the brouhaha as the
meanderings of the narrow minded. I had
always thought that as an individual M.F.
Hussain has his rights and you have the right
to like or not like what he does. But making it
a sociological issue never crossed my mind. I
looked a little closely into what the email had
to say and my feeling was this:

A word of caution with this line of thought.

You have to study the heritage of Tantra to
understand the depiction of our Gods and
their consorts. The Hindu tantras have always
advocated spiritual emancipation through
sexual release and bondage at the same time.
It is yoga in practice in real life instead of
running away and hiding in a cave.

This is what we see in Khajurao and many

other places depicted in stone and wall
painting and even books like the Kama Sutra.
When literacy was not prevalent and books
could not be easily produced, stone was the
best medium. Study the culture of our yoginis.
In Jainism, release from the earthly bondage
always culminates in absolute nakedness.

This idiotic concept of nakedness being a sin

and bad has come to us with the Christian
moral tradition.
60
Let us not forget our basics and our general
balance. Let us maintain our mental and
emotional equanimity. My feeling was that
the paintings had caught the mental and
emotional thought patterns of each of the
communities. Although Hussain could have
been a little more circumspect and not
depicted so much nudity knowing fully well
that in today’s climate it would offend many.
Artists are given a license and much leeway
but they should not let their hearts run away
out of control of their heads.

If you are holding the leash like in the dogs in

the story above, then you need to exercise
restrain and manage the situation from every
angle in consideration.

Then in the second forward, the topic was

how badly Hindus are being treated in their
own country. So I asked the person who sent
me the email - Are you really looking for an
answer?
Hindus are a confused lot and always afraid -
of what I have not understood.
We also have the bad habit of being utterly
self-centered, have a very high opinion of
ourselves and are afraid to fight for what we
want or even speak out.
Our want of moral values shows in our way of
life - where else do they burn daughters in-
law?
We are highly judgmental, always criticizing -
I suppose this is a way to feel better &
61
superior - yet envy is high on our list and we
do not think twice in throwing our dirt in
other's space.
We talk of brotherhood but back-biting comes
very easily to us. For a fistful of dollars we
are prepared to sell our soul.
We have always taken the route of
appeasement in even the most minor
decisions. We have always gone for short-cuts
and appeasement is a shortcut! We are a
spineless lot and we ostracize and ignore
those who speak out as disturbers of peace. In
this atmosphere it is no wonder now some of
us have resorted to violence to say our piece.

If we could, we would want the rest of the

world on a tight leash always happily bearing
with us while we live with abandon and total
unconcern for anything or anybody.

In life we always get the treatment we allow

ourselves to be given.
62

15. OUT OF THE TIME FRAME.

There is a time and place for every thing. Do

we really understand this saying? A little peep
into history and we see instances of how
certain decisions taken at a particular time
for a particular purpose continued to be
practiced long after the moment had passed.
Just to impress the point let me relate some
well known instances. This story is from
England. At the time of Napoleon Bonaparte,
the British had posted a round the clock
watch on the cliffs of Dover. The order was
given and soldiers were regularly on duty.
Napoleon came and went down history lane.
There were other wars. The First Great war
and the Second war too came and passed. The
soldiers were still at their watch at the
designated point. Until some time very
recently in the past this situation was noticed
and counter-orders given.

Similarly I remember reading about a story

from Russia. The youngest princess of the Tsar
saw the first flower bloom on the lawns of her
palace. She was so filled with joy that for fear
of somebody accidentally crushing the flower,
a soldier was put on guard. Long after the
flower had perished a soldier continued to
guard the spot and did so for many years to
come. The story was even forgotten until
somebody asked the question as to why a
63
soldier was standing guard in the middle of
the lawn.

If we look closely at our lives and the lives of

others, we will notice that we often take
things to inordinately long lengths. We love to
keep arguments alive. Study the chivalrous
history of some clans from Scotland and
Rajasthan. How often some misunderstanding
or slight to the arrogance of some, the whole
family fights with another and the feud goes
on from generation to generation. Honor
killings are not unknown and these start feuds
of their own where the eye for an eye
campaign goes on and bloody on; with nobody
even having any inkling about the first quarrel
which often becomes history and the polished
version of the story remains as a legend.

Do these events show a progressive and

intelligent human mind at work?

My mother tells me about the estrangement

between the city states of Jaisalmer and
Bikaner, although she has no idea why. It
seems marriage between the families of these
two states is frowned upon. Whatever the
reason which is now lost into history and
would have been correct for the time period,
it is still followed by some.
Similarly a little study of the different
religions will also show that some precepts
and advice that was given some centuries
64
back considering the elements at play at the
time tend to continue to rule the minds of
men who practice that religion. Often so
rigidly that fanaticism is born; look at the
havoc it has been playing since the beginning
of recorded history.

Even a superficial study of the rules in

question will show that their relevance is now
over but because of fear of transgression
nobody is prepared to drop them in the
collectivity although most would individually
agree that they were advocated in another
time frame and are not relevant any more.

When we carry a point too far we can only

hurt ourselves; especially in anger. Let’s now
have a look at something very close to our
selves; especially relationships at home and at
the work place.

One of the simplest occasions that we will see

in all our lives is the act of losing our temper
and keep on being angry even after the point
has been made and rectified. The ego will
rarely let go. It will keep on reminding us
about the incident and keep our focus on the
anger towards the perpetrator alive.

We rarely have any will to go against it as

after all it makes us feel superior and it does
give us a baton to brow-beat. Indignation is
good but it is terribly self destructive if
65
allowed to go on and control us. Matured and
self-assured people know how to shake it off.

Good managers understand this and practice

restrain with a strong will. If not they will
destroy their organization. This same will is
rarely seen in force in personal relationships.
Jumping to conclusions and allowing
misunderstandings to not die down is one
thing practiced by all of us.

It shows its poisonous side rather specially in

marriages. Until we are ready for a separation
we should not use indignation as a tool. Make
your point, and if the other party is prepared
to rectify the fault which started it all,
wisdom advocates that the matter be
forgotten forthwith and sweetness brought
back into the relationship without a second’s
delay.

At the managerial level decisions taken in

anger shrouded by self-importance, should be
quickly reconsidered and not allowed to fester
and if necessary annulled. A good policy
would be to even apologies and let bygones be
bygones and mean it.
66

16. Pride in lawlessness

A girl gets raped, undressed and molested on

the street and a whole crowd will look on but
no one will lift a finger. Why? Because we just
don't have the guts to speak out or make a
stand. On a pragmatic level we do not want to
invite the ire on ourselves which is
understandable. We are always thinking as
individuals and selfishly; never as a member
of a community. I wonder if there should not
be a law to purposely make onlookers and
witnesses to lift a finger or face the ire of the
law as criminals promoting violence by not
doing anything.

Humanity never learns. Hitler could getaway

with what he did with the Jews because the
neighbors were in quiet tacit agreement. The
same happened later in erstwhile Yugoslavia.
Closer to home every community is after the
other for the most banal reasons.

Every small time political figure looking for a

little press coverage will raise the specter of
provincialism by talking about jobs only for
the locals or language or hate against other
religious communities knowing fully well that
the un-evolved mind of the masses will
mindlessly take to the streets and burn,
damage, hurt and even kill anything in sight.
67
Isn’t this tacit approval of mindlessness and
violence? Shouldn’t there be a law against it
and lock-up the instigators as criminals? This
has been the path taken by many leaders all
over the world to remain in power whereas
the population slides into further misery and
normally ends up in economies collapsing
totally. See what happened in Rhodesia,
Uganda and now in India in the eastern,
western regions and earlier this trend was
seen in the southern states too.

Matters that will really help us improve our

lot are left untouched but we have time for
petty things. Take for instance this hue and
cry on a movie where so much energy is being
wasted in worrying about what happened 500
years ago. But ask people to stand up for
subjects like female feticide and they are too
busy to bother.

Don’t these people see the ridiculousness of it

all when they see construction sites empty of
labor and streets without cobblers and
hairdressers as reported lately in the papers? I
fail to understand how taking away the work
from a foreigner which he is trained to do can
help these locals. Then why as a country
others are not raising their fingers against it
or revolt or raise its voice. These same
political figures who want people out of their
states, why don’t they ask their own people
to return back and leave the other states
68
alone? Rather, the system reveres these so
called political Lords and even offers them
police protection and security.

What I have never understood is how the

common man, so full of virtue and compassion
otherwise, becomes a heartless clerk the
moment he becomes the employee of the
President of India? Often using his powers as
executive to harass and blackmail. Full of
self-importance and righteousness to uphold
the law but corrupt otherwise by first not
doing his appointed work, then taking extra
inducements without any feeling of shame and
often not doing his job even after that.

The entire legal machinery fails to deliver

justice in time. More and more draconian laws
are enacted. The police get more and more
excuses to take the public to task with
impunity. Rogue elements are having a field
day. Today if we have something to be proud
of, it is the pride we take in breaking laws
and through it show our stature in life.

Tell me how proud should I feel?

If India is to move forward, it needs to have
many second thoughts - now!
69

17. Promote yourself.

I have observed that there are at least five

distinct levels in human interactions; be it
professional or personal. All these levels have
very separate styles of behavior codes,
language abilities, dress codes, philosophies
and attitudes. Aspiring professionals who are
aiming to rise and change levels or wish to
interact with people of levels different from
their own, need to understand these factors
and change their disposition accordingly to be
accepted otherwise they will
miss opportunities and never be equal to the
peer group. In today's environment where we
are interacting with people from different
cultures, this subject has taken on a very
important facet. If you have not taken this
factor into consideration for your plans of
your advancement or even business operation,
then you will face critical hurdles to reach
your goals. To be brutally honest, you may
miss out totally.

The problem is that it is not easy to find

guidelines as to how to go about this change.
It also follows that nobody really wants to
offend anyone by pointing out the irritants
and very rarely do we have the acuity and
precision in our observation to make note of
things by ourselves. Then it is also a fact that
70
we have our amour propre to live with. Very
few individuals would be ready to accept that
it is their own behavior patterns that are
clashing with others and if they are failing to
make the grade, it is perhaps their own fault.

The situation begins like this: We are brought

up in a particular group and we learn
everything from this group with rarely any
exposure outside this group. Later as a final
product we have learnt only the habits of our
own group and are highly knowledgeable and
mobile with a certain amount of command
within this well known structure of our group.

The big question is how to know and learn

about other groups and what is liked and
disliked. You have only two possibilities.
Either you are born and brought up within the
group you aspire to be in or you get into this
group as a junior and soon, as fast as you can,
learn the patterns of the group. Luck can play
a big part if by some quirk of fate you can get
within your intended group even at the
periphery, the job becomes considerably
easier. Watching particular movies can help if
you take them as audio-visual education.

But all this would make sense only if you first

wanted a change. Normally we are very
comfortable in our skins and we try every
trick we know to impress and we do it with
absolute confidence; never realizing that we
are only alienating ourselves from our goal in
71
the process. Let me give some instances.
One dead give away to our social status is our
language and how we deliver our speech.
Properly schooled people are trained very
early to enunciate clearly, delivery their
speech slowly, speak softly, let others finish
their sentences, listen and enjoin in
conversation only if necessary and other such
fine points. In contrast, we have those who
mumble, speak fast, loudly and use a dialect
which is particular to their own set and see
nothing wrong in cutting people off. This may
be unacceptable to many.

You would have certainly noticed how many

of us tend to interrupt others; for instance
you are talking to your manager and another
executive comes and starts speaking to him as
if you are invisible to him. And often worse,
the manager listens to him. This happens so
often in shops and public places that I wonder
what happened to the basic etiquette of
allowing the other to have his say. A
moment’s wait won’t be the end of the world.
Now this behavior maybe normal in the
everyday scheme of things, but at the senior
level it will offend.

Most often people expound with great

panache, supremely confident that they are
making a mark with no second thought that
their hold on the subject matter is not
extremely solid and their language is not
72
sufficiently polished to express the matter
properly either. What can you do with these
people? They make it so difficult to
communicate with. Even if someone wanted
to be paly with them or take them under the
wing, it is difficult as they simply do not
understand; the language barrier is so great
and they often worsen the situation by
becoming argumentative.

Dressing is another feature which needs to be

attended to. One has to understand the
difference between leisure wear and official
attire, public dress and homely attire etc. The
tastes of people and their cultural bends are
easily shown by their choice of colors and
cuts. Most people would say today that they
do not care and they have their lives and will
live the way want to. This is fine by me. Only
the point here that we are making is that it
cannot be so when you are entering a group
on which your livelihood or networking
depends.

The solution to this enigma is that you find a

sincere teacher who will point out the flaws in
your mannerisms and explain to you the fine
points of interaction meaningfully directed to
you personally, preferably in private. Books
and lectures may open your eyes but they
rarely help you change your long ingrained
habits. This needs persistent hammering and
you will need will power and courage to stand
up to it.
73

18. Resolved, Signed and Sealed.

Let us see; are we going to take the coming of

the New Year as an excuse for revelry or while
we have drunk ourselves to the ground we
might even take on the onerous task of some
introspection which should result in some
resolutions to be made. I fear that the resolve
to stick to resolutions lasts only up to the
second drink. But this is not going to stop
every individual who takes the coming of the
New Year seriously to make definite resolves,
sign it and seal it as a document of great
import and intent.

It is another thing that the document maybe

trashed in the very first week of the year.
Then why do we make these resolutions? Are
we basically insincere?

Well, No. There is nothing insincere about it.

Look at it with a little compassion and
understanding. This is the only time of the
year that I get the opportunity to take my
friend’s wife in my arms with any kind of
abandon; we are all allowing ourselves big
margins of freedom from daily self-control.
This is the time for fun and one takes what
one can. And if to impress her I have to
announce some resolutions, why not? Who
would be coming to check on me anyway? On
the question of insincerity, I must really take
74
offense. How can you talk to me like this? I
am a responsible person. I take my job, family
and other responsibilities seriously. It is just
this little habit of smoking that I find difficult
to quit. What with all the stress all these
people create around me. My bosses are
screaming for things to be done yesterday and
the whole office is under the impression that I
am slacker. When I reach home the litany of
woes is the first thing I hear. Well, of course I
understand that taking care of all the
household chores and the three kids can fray
the nerves of my wife but then what can I do?
I bring in the moolah and go thru the squeezer
without complaining so why is she nagging?
The whole problem in this life is the lack of
understanding I have to tolerate from all
these selfish people. Oh How I wish there was
a way around all this? I did spend three nights
at the hospital with our son did I not? Does
that not count for anything?

Well in my home I am the boss is it not? So

after weathering the storm outside, if I take
on a smoke or even a chota peg, am I out of
line? I had a bad day at the office. My boss
won’t understand the problems I have with my
juniors. I did not employ them or choose them
but I have to get work out of them. I shout
and push but these people are so mule like.
God; life is unfair.

Ok. This is the last day of the year and a good

farewell party to the year has been organized
75
at the office. After all it is considered
auspicious to ring in the New Year on a happy
note, so it is imperative I be there. I know I
will get sloshed with all this imported whiskey
being pushed under my nose, but then this is
just once a year and one should not be a
stuffed shirt anyway; don’t you think?

Good, then! I resolve to cut down on my

smoking, drinking even the occasional type,
keep a more reasonable attitude towards my
colleagues and wife. I will try not to lose my
temper and instead of pushing people around I
will try to cajole them. I will definitely get
into the meditation circle in the office and try
to see things from a calmer perspective.
Perhaps spend some time regularly at the gym
too. If only these idiot drivers would stop
honking and try to overtake me at every bend
I could think things over more deeply!!
God..this mobile phone….am I never to know
peace from this infernal instrument.

And then; why focus on my resolutions and

change so much? Why can’t you resolve not to
irritate me a little less? Am I asking too much?
76

19. Saying thine part

Have you noticed how some people can speak

their part only in outbursts of some kind? They
would be otherwise nice, sane people going
about their lives in a circular routine that
they have built around themselves. Yet, under
their calm exterior there is always some
undercurrent of judgmental thoughts flowing
quietly which, keeps them perpetually
irritated about something or the other.

I have noticed this in myself when I am

driving. The need to focus on whatever others
are doing is so strong to avoid collisions
because in Delhi one drives by the rule that if
there is space one has to go in and fill it up or
worse if you have a bigger car, your self-
importance gives you the right to go ahead
first. This creates a situation where you have
to drive with one eye on the rear-view mirror
and the other three eyes on the left, front
and right. Of course there is also this
continuous analysis that is humming inside the
brain. And every now and then, the perceived
stupidity of the other guy vents itself out in
expletives.

So coming back to our original premise, we

need to consider the why and why-nots of the
situation. The question is why some people
speak their part only in anger; and this is not
77
just anger, it is also laced with a heavy dose
of indignation. Indignation presupposes that
the person has been wronged and has been
made to suffer due to the unworthy actions of
the other guy. This also presupposes that
some sort of judgment has already been
passed. So, I can safely say that the person
speaking out in hot flashes is not being
pragmatic, he has not bothered to listen to
both sides of the story and feels so strongly
that he has been wronged that there is no
space for discussions in the situation. The
situation is exacerbated by the person’s need
to not only prove his point but also teach the
other malefactor a lesson even if it has to be
drilled into his head. This I suppose is what
they call road rage when it happens on the
highway.

How we tend to work ourselves into lather for

very often nothing is beautifully illustrated by
a story I read many years ago. It was titled
“Want to borrow a jack?”
A motorist had a puncture somewhere out of
town and was appalled to discover that there
was no jack in his car. Now at the unearthly
hour of 4 in the early morning where would he
find the assistance needed and that too in the
middle of the countryside? Let’s not forget
that this story comes from a time when cell
phones were not invented. So although his
head was brimming with anger against all the
people who could have done this to him, he
was cool-headed enough to look around. In
78
the distance he noticed a light and decided to
walk towards it. Soon it became obvious that
he was approaching a farmhouse. This got him
thinking. “What if the farmer does not open
the door? He must surely be sleeping and will
be upset at being disturbed at this hour of the
night. But my need leaves me with no option
but to knock at his door so to hell with the
farmer. The farmer can always say no and
that will be that and people are so unhelpful
anyway nowadays. Etc, etc, etc.” By the time
he reached the farmer’s door he had already
worked out his case against the disturbance
he was going to cause. If only the poor city-
slicker had any idea that farmers get up
rather early and are generally the most
helpful kind of people on earth as they are
deeply in tune with nature’s vagaries. Anyway
this motorist knocks on the farmer’s door and
the farmer opens the door. But before
anything could be said the motorist blurts
out:” Now are you going to give me the jack
or not?”

Why are we in such a hurry to prejudge? Why

do we feel superior enough to be judgmental
with so much righteousness? The other day I
was back in my old school which is an Ashram
where the morning hours are for meditation
and no other activity is encouraged especially
in the meditation area and near it. I was
sitting there; it was six in the morning. Just
then an old lady comes, sees the latest
79
newspaper daily around nearby, left by
another ashramite and asks me to tell her the
cricket score. So I pick up the paper and open
it. After all if the old lady is more interested
in cricket scores and meditation is not her
forte, who am I to judge? But before I could
do my good karma, an old teacher of mine
passes by and immediately scolds me for
reading the paper in the meditation area!
Boy, I was so amused. It was so much like my
childhood when I was being scolded for
something or the other, never heard nor given
a chance to explain.

I can understand the young bursting out but

one would expect much more from people
who have seen a whole lifetime on this earth.
When older people behave in this immature
manner I do wonder if they have learnt
anything at all; especially from people like
senior executives, teachers and those in
positions of authority.

Why can’t people, even if they have been

apparently wronged, keep their cool and state
their case without anger? Are they
incompetent and hiding their incompetence
under the banner of outrageousness? I am
reminded of this saying by Isaac Asimov –
“Violence is the last refuge of the
incompetent.” And I will leave it here for you
to judge!
80

20. Eyes Wide Shut

Normally, the newspaper arrives around 7 in

the morning and I pick it up soon after. But
one day I left early in the morning and the
paper was not picked up. The paper boy had
left it, as usual, near the front door in the
passage leading from the main gate to the
front door. So it was glaringly in the way. A
big black and white spread on gray cement,
dead in the middle of the open space with no
clutter around it. The milkman came at eight,
walked right on it to enter the house and
went out the same way; totally missing the
sight of the paper. When I returned at 9 or so,
the mud stamped-by-footprints paper put my
hackles up but that is another story.

The next day I asked the milkman why he had

walked all over the paper instead of picking it
up or at least he could have avoided stepping
on it. His reply was simple that he did not see
it!

This got me wondering. From this milkman my

mind wandered to another who used to tell us
about his car and the buses he was plying on
Delhi’s road. He was not driving himself but
leasing the buses out. It seems he owned two.
The other day the postman whose normal
time to visit is after midday, arrived at 9 in
the morning and I asked him what
81
happened. What he was delivering was
yesterday’s post. He had missed delivering it
yesterday because the driver of a bus that he
plies on Delhi’s roads did not come and he had
to drive it himself.

This raises two questions. Who are behind the

buses that are supposedly killing one or two
people everyday on Delhi’s roads? The
newspapers inform us that many of the buses
are in actuality owned by policemen and
other political dignitaries so that when a
complaint or misdemeanor is noticed, the
concerned people look the other way.

But I think that the malaise is deeper than

that. The authorities are looking at the
problem with eyes tightly shut. When they
ordered the buses to be checked, they
conveniently forgot to focus on the point that
the buses by themselves are inert pieces of
machinery. The fault has to be with the
people responsible with their upkeep and
more so the driving and people skills of the
staff running them.

A bit of mayhem is to be expected if people

from the community of milkmen and rough
and tumble farmers are running the buses and
their adored young ones are driving them;
quite often without any training or self-
discipline in their character. If my milkman
can miss a two whole square feet of white
82
spread with black markings in a small passage
with nothing else around it, do you think that
these people would be sensitive to the needs
of being careful in any situation?

If we focus on the buses alone we shall miss

the forest. The point is that most of us live
lives immersed in a sea of denials. We do not
see because it is not convenient to see. We do
not listen because it is not convenient to
hear. We speak without meaning a single word
and if necessary we would deny having
spoken.

We are shutting off the world around us but

want the world to remain open to us and not
only that; we want the world to make the
required effort to reorganize itself to suit our
fancy. This is surely the perfect recipe for
disasters.

The other day I spoke of people driving as if

the other vehicles were there for decorative
purposes only. Every driver thinks that he is
the only one important and of course the
honking of the horn would make it clear to
anybody. They zigzag around other vehicles as
if the others were stationary and miss hitting
each other by hair’s breadth. The bad habit of
motorcyclists coming from behind and
shooting themselves in front of your bumper,
forcing you to brake to avoid hitting them is
now an acceptable maneuver. Every single
motorcyclist does it. They cram shelves in the
83
minimum of spaces between vehicles and if
they get brushed they come out to fight. The
surprise is that they are not crushed more
often. I wonder if the buses are really to
blame all the time. My thoughts always veer
towards blaming the two wheelers when I
read about another death.

Why can’t we keep a little distance between

each other when driving to allow for errors
and mistakes of judgment or even technical
snags? Are we so used to living shoulder to
shoulder that we practice it even with our
vehicles? What is the point in blaming the
vehicles? They are as good as the ruffians
behind the wheels.

What needs correction is our attitude of “Me;

Cant-you-see Brilliant, Able & Smarter Guy, so
Me come First”!
84

21. Stealing credit.

Recently I became aware that some of my

write-ups are being posted in the groups I post
my articles. I am sharing here my views and
some of others who responded to my mention
of this malaise. The paste and copy provided
by the Internet technology is a good thing but
it cannot be taken as a license to take credit
for material written by others. I have seen
two instances of my write-ups being
submitted by others; Sad state of affairs.
What harm is there in appreciating my effort
and letting be a little proud for my efforts?

I would say either give credit for using posted

material to the original writer or write up
your own if you have something to say.

Taking undue credit and making profit by

cutting corners amounts to plain cheating
which is reprehensible, And this the one flaw
in our character which has kept us back from
becoming world class or world leaders. It is
high time that we started showing our
intelligence rather than our cunning and
cleverness.

Somebody copying us is flattery all right. But

are we looking for flattery? Stealing, spying,
cheating is a way of life. Not being paid for
85
work done is also a fairly prevalent
phenomenon. There will always be someone
who will take advantage. What is
reprehensible is that we do not care anymore
for the ethics involved.
How low have we allowed ourselves to go?

There is a legal side to it. Suppose I get my

work published and half a dozen people stand
up claiming as theirs? Once you get embroiled
in the legal system life becomes hell. And
don't think people won’t do it. Wives are using
the laws to get even. The moment you buy a
plot of land, there is another claimant who
files a suit. Frivolous things are part of the
human make up alright.But downright copying
and posting it on the same channel from
where you have picked it up seems to me
going too far in stupidity. The least I would
suppose is that someone would use the points
raised and do some re-write of his own.

Christine McLeod wrote:

Hi Pradeep,

A very real and a very serious concern is what

you have expressed here. Plagiarism is the
bane of our society, and we, especially in
India, with our 'sab chalta hai' attitude have
never learnt of copyright. Right from the way
'cheating' is perceived by children in our
schools, to the spillover of attitudes at
86
work...radical awareness is the call of the
hour.

gvk mohan wrote:

I agree that copying is not on. But as Trainers

or whatever, can we look further? I am not
advocating anything or speaking for
somebody. My point is, the net is an ocean by
itself. It is information everywhere. There are
no guarantees. When we post, our right on
that post may be gone forever. Can we think a
bit bigger, broader and say "ok, if that guy has
copied my post and reposted, hope it gives
him some happiness or pride, hope it gives
him some knowledge, hope it helps him in
some way". I am asking this to Pradeep and
others too generally. Tell me, what we write,
speak today, is it not out of our lifetime
reading or listening? Are we that original and
creative and have produced such stuff that we
need to get worked up? Are we that big in this
universe? Are we saying "Hey, that piece of
info or knowledge is mine? If you want to use
it, say that is from me. And then I’m ok with
you using it.”??? And in fact, if someone has
re-posted you, take pride, as your stuff seems
to be so good that someone thought it worthy
of copying.

Inez Rufus wrote:

Agreed that there's a wealth of information in

cyberspace and in books and that we as
87
trainers can't always be expected to say
"Eureka" to every concept we train in. We
borrow, we bend, we twist, we collate and we
train.

However, when people do not use their

creativity to enhance or build on what they
have borrowed (either through the
information highway or books) and blatantly
copy without giving credit to the original, it's
unethical to say the least.

Recently I was informed that modules that I

had created as Training Head (through
collated data) were being used by a Delhi
company.

It's a shame that we can be so blatantly

unethical and have so such little originality
that we stoop to copy - without
acknowledgement.

I would be more than happy to share things

with others, but not when others assume
ownership. I think it's unfair and totally
unacceptable.
88

22. Taking Notes.

Some reflections have been heavy on my mind

lately. With the information-overload and the
speed now available to us, this question has
taken a serious importance. Some time ago I
was reading some Zen writings and one thing
that was made clear is the nature of the
human mind as a collector. We love to collect
things, data, memories and brick-bats.

A student asked me why we should not read

all that comes to hand and this is what I
responded with: The human mind at its
present level of development is a collector. It
collects data for data's sake. It also feels very
knowledgeable and can spout quotes and
passages on every subject and considers itself
wise. To himself he is awesome and often
wonders why others cannot see it this way.
Often the ego over inflates and all further
seeking stops. The mind takes the mantle of
teacher and guide and wherever possible will
“control” all around it. But then all this focus
on statistical info, data of all sorts, end in
attempt to codify and arrange it all in a
reasonable pattern; and this blocks it. So
read as much as you can but do not end up
focusing more on your collection of books
than learning from them.
89
Then this morning I read this quote by Chuck
Palahniuk which took my breath away as it
confirmed my own reading of making the most
of this life given to us: “ The best way to
waste your life……is by taking notes. The
easiest way to avoid living is to just watch.
Look for the details. Report. Don’t
participate.”

I remember The Mother of Pondicherry saying

something like that one should act first and
think later. In strict opposition the world
advises to think before leaping and serious
reflection etc. So here was a contradiction in
terms. Why are people spending so much time
in planning then? Later it became clear. In
plans and projects on the worldly plane
planning is necessary for correct
implementation. The decision taking part is
where this reflection comes in; if we reflect
too much, then we may never do it. The same
applies in personal lives. If we think, plan and
debate too long we may end up not doing
anything at all. At the spiritual level where I
suppose the advice of The Mother is really
valid, we then avoid the experience which
will bring us wisdom and enlightenment.

There is an age in our lives when we do want

to learn and better ourselves. We read,
collect quotes and books which go into the
drawer/folders and on shelves and never see
the light again. We then get busy with our
lives, families and other things. Then age
90
begins to catch up. Our collections grow
waiting for the right time and free time to
catch up with all this. Rarely if at all the time
ever comes. The truth then hits us; either we
do it now or forget it – the moment is lost
forever. What is not put into practice is dead
info.

Coming back to the material plane and our

day to day existence, tons of goods are lying
in stores in homes and offices. Deemed useful
and needed at a particular time but later left
to rot in a dusty corner; all but forgotten; and
what about the people? Most of them are
happy with their own selves. Just go behind
the words and see things from a higher
perspective and you will see that most of
them are putting up a worked-up facade to be
seen as knowledgeable and virtuous.

I firmly believe that when there is not a "live"

question, the answers have no meaning. If you
see and compare the result of the work of the
amount of pragmatic thoughts, guidance and
philosophy that is available and being made
available thru media of all kinds, one does
tend to wonder for a second if it is changing
their thinking and acting patterns? Are they
applying any of it in their actions and lives? I
do not believe they do. Wake-up calls are
taken only when a crisis develops.
91

23. The Club of Givers

When we give something we are always

keeping a track of every penny that is going
out but when we are receiving something we
feel that we have never received enough. And
then we compare our giving with what is
coming in and always the final balance shows
a negative balance because compared to what
we have given we have never received our
due.

Are we being true to ourselves and the

universe which is organizing our lives around
us? There is so much expectation from the
universe but to receive we have to be in the
club of givers without premeditated
calculations of why & what.

No conditionals! When we give our youth,

time and energy to family, relationships, work
we do so with an intent which is very self-
oriented at the core. The joining of the club
of givers requires, spontaneity, the opposite
of the tendency to hoard, live with less and as
far as possible with the minimum one can. At
the same time sharing of goods, effort and
time because somebody is genuinely in more
need than you and good obviously put
whatever you are parting with to better use.
92
Finally the belief that the Universe is there
and will give what you need anyway.

The best givers are intensely alive and very

involved in life. When you drop the critical,
calculating and the judgmental attitude,
there is an aura of compassion which builds up
around you. Then you can only give. I know
many millionaires in this group and I have
been blessed by the help they gave me in
cash, kind and personal time.

As an exercise study your life and see how

many things are lying around you that are
never used and list them out. Second step if
you feel there are others who can use them
and NEED them, would you be ready to pass
them on?

This is living in the present. Things come and

go. We are only caretakers or users for a
while. Like a coin which changes hands
hundreds and thousands of time in its life
time. Yet the humans have been able to
delude themselves into believing that things
belong to them. These people close their
doors so effectively that nothing goes out
from them nor anything comes in to them.
What a waste of a lifetime - it is so sad; these
people are doomed to repeat their lifecycles
over and over.

So how does one open out to the universe;

93
How to be a witness? How do I grow out of the
petty self? It is simple really. See the world
with benevolent eyes. Don’t judge - observe
as a third party witness. And above all: don’t
try to change the world. Identify yourself with
beautiful things and surround yourself with
them.

Learn about all the things that are negative in

character, like noise, obnoxious materials,
obnoxious emotions etc - anything that leaves
a bad after-taste, shocks or frightens or as the
environmentalists would say “polluting”. Try
to distance yourself from these. And then join
the club of givers.

You'll see things will start falling in place.

94

24. The Plight of Weavers -Tradition,

Modernism & Reality

Recently I received an email forward speaking

about how age old crafts are being lost and
how the industrialization is pushing the old
artists into abject poverty. This concern was
brought up by foreigners from the western
developed worlds who are hopefully really
trying to keep the traditional arts alive. I give
few lines from the same:

This sari design, which has been in Javed's

family for 100 years, can take up to two
months to weave. Patterns like these have
been a source of Indian pride for more than
2,000 years, with India's version of haute
couture adorning wealthy women of the
empires of Rome, Egypt and Persia. Until
recently, weaving was India's second-most-
common occupation, behind farming.

"This loom will be in a museum," said Javed's

despairing uncle, Nazir Ahmed, 30, whose
family was forced to shut down 12 of their 14
looms.
"We would have never predicted this. We
were India's artists. Now we are living in
poverty."

India also lacks a social security system,

95
leaving weavers, farmers and others
vulnerable to market forces.

In response my friend Mr A Vajpai has this to

say and I agree with him:

Modern India is far too aggressive now to take

on the International scenario, and there is no
reason why it should slow down (get bogged
down) by a culture which produces at best
only items meant for the richest of the rich,
who can afford such hand woven stuff.

To change and adapt oneself in a competitive

world is the key to economic and social
progress - and not to continue with something
which is bound to become outdated and
outmoded and which would render us
obsolete. Adapt or perish - that's the mantra.

Art must certainly continue and prosper, as

art, and not as a livelihood in the name of
tradition if you can’t make it pay. Of course
we cannot allow the designs and artistry to
die out.

The biggest bane of the Indian society has

been the unrelenting population growth - for
whatever reasons. Can anyone imagine what
would have been the per capita income if only
we had contained ourselves? Now, that this
nation has found other areas of expertise to
challenge the world at large, it has begun
pinching everyone for obvious reasons. Is this
96
a ploy to keep us tied down and behind the
times?

Worldwide, the social and economic status

will balance itself out by some means as
things have usually, so let it take its normal
course.

My own comments are:

My experience when trying to help the less

educated has been rather depressing. There is
a resistance to change that creeps in even
with the first sentence exchanged. When this
is coupled with our tendency to take short-
cuts and soft options, we push ourselves into
a hole and then pine and mope. Let me just
enunciate some points:

- Refusal to see the misery we are propagating

by having more and more children even when
our own cupboards are empty. We see
children only as eventual insurance for old
age. How the child will be fed and educated
for the next 20 years before he can start
bringing anything home is not taken into
calculation.

- Our socio economic environment is such that

it spoils the boy child and burdens the girl.
Most often it is the girls who keep the
household well provided for while the boys
become loafers.
97
- Lack of proper nutrition results in stunted
growth; both in the visible state of the body
and worse in the internal organs that we do
not see.

- Lack of stimulation and exposure results in

visionless and aimless youngsters without
mental development even of the basic kind.
The underdevelopment of the brain is a
reality. Their ability to learn and improve
themselves is totally lacking.

- By association the only trade they ever learn

in their "learning" period is the one from their
father. They have no other recourse but to
follow the trade.

- Their lack of “savoir faire” means they have

to work for middlemen who are earning
handsomely even in this shrinking market. Had
these artisans spent some time planning their
own education and future, things would be
quite different.

- Before you know what, the children are

married off and some more children, "Gift of
God" appear to feed and care for which the
necessities are simply non existent.

- The dreams sold by our celluloid world and

now by the TV, are giving them a totally
wrong impression about the realities of life.
Instead of showing the way, it is
98

emotionalizing everything and leaving it

there. Most of the Indian population is
learning from these and patterning their lives
wholly on the perverted nonsense they see
through the medium of films and soaps on TV.

- There is nobody to guide them or show the

way. Especially the different norms and
practices of different social classes and so
they remain unaccepted by their peers and
ignorant of business practices.

- The art and artists merit all the help

possible but not as doles. Let’s record it all
for posterity and let Institutions like the
Victoria Institute of Chennai keep the art
alive.

- The Govt can only play a limited role. We

have to take responsibility for our own lives.
-
99

25. The Value of Appreciation.

We, of course love to be appreciated; even

flattery is welcome as there being some basis
of truth in it somewhere. We judge and work
out our own place under the sun from
comments we hear about ourselves. I wonder
how many of us realize that this is also the
biggest chink in our amour. From a very
pragmatic view of life, we have to live with
others and therefore what they think is
important. The point of debate is how much
value can we and should we give to whom and
why.

The first angle to this debate is on the source

of appreciation; or for that matter criticism.
It is a very rare person who has risen above
his personal likes and dislikes, prejudices and
desires so all comments become by this very
nature of things suspect. I would go far
enough to say that we are never wholly ever
sincere in the words we utter because in
every thing we do or say there is always an
element of self-appreciation or the need for it
showing through.

In straight and blunt language this means that

our personal agenda makes us say and act and
there is some manipulation involved to make
others think and behave on a track of our
choosing. Criticisms in contrast have always
100
some element of showing-off or/and spite.

My own experience is that we take, broadly

speaking, 3 basic factors in our judging of
others. These are definitely involving our own
personal level of maturity and the basic
Mother-nature-given character. First and most
common is the judgment passed on the basis
of physical appearance. Our looks are an
accident of birth but we take it as a personal
achievement and we then judge the world by
a standard we lay down with ourselves as the
chief example. Anyone who falls within this
gambit is one of us and “good” and conversely
the rest are down-graded to lesser beings.

Do we realize how easily we become open to

manipulation because of the credence we
would give to our own need to categorize? All
somebody has to do to enter in our good
books is to praise our handsomeness,
strength, clothes or possessions and such
superficial projections. The best that can be
said of this yardstick is that we rarely come
close enough to others to have any other; yet
this is too subjective to be of any real value.

The other two factors are our education and

philosophy of life. It is easy to understand
that we are conditioned by our education and
the principles taught at home or followed by
our parents and immediate society. When we
go out into life we take decisions based on our
101
education and prejudices. Life teaches us the
correct value of things by the results that
ensue and this gives rise to our philosophy of
life.

Life is short and the baggage of faulty

decisions soon starts weighing upon us. Most
of the baggage is from the value that we
sometime or other gave to the comments
unleashed at us by others. Rarely do we have
the courage to distance ourselves from what
others think of us. Many pattern their entire
lives on the thought “What will they say?” A
lot many people never come to terms with
reality at all. They spent an entire lifetime
trying to “change” the world to their
conceptions of how things should be which
results in anguish and depression. They refuse
to learn from experience or share anyone’s
view. Wherever these persons have some hold
they impose themselves and as they are not in
tune with life truly, they create waves of
accidents and pain.

The truth is that we should always remember

that appreciation is never wholly sincere, nor
is criticism and adding a pinch of salt to all we
hear from others is the correct approach to it
all. In relationships, we must accept that
perceptions change with time and we need to
change with them. I would also take the
radical step of making drastic changes in
relations and business tactics. It is imperative
that we neither fully allow ourselves to be
102
swamped by opinions and comments nor carry
them too long in our conscience; take note of
all that is coming your way, then be honest
enough to look within yourself, make the
necessary note, adjustments and changes as
needed and go ahead with life. It is simple
logic that when you have made the change,
the past is no longer relevant and should be
dropped like a used sheath and forgotten
otherwise it will be like a mill-stone on your
shoulders very similar to the Chinese
punishment of yore.

It is easy to say so but we need to learn to sift

between appreciation and flattery as well as
spiteful abuse and positive criticism. So it
follows that only those who have the courage
to live by their own perceptions, open to what
life is trying to tell them with a lot sincerity
to be objective, specially with their own
selves will really grow, succeed and find
happiness.
103

26. The Value of training programs

The value of training programs of sales

people, especially in sales of High value items
like cars and high priced luxury items is the
subject of this discussion.

This is one of the most difficult lines of work.

My personal observation is that most sales
people are from a very different environment
(economically, socially & often educationally)
to that of the buyer. This results in a vast
chasm between what the buyer expects and
the seller is able to respond to.

Of course training programs have their value

and they do theoretically prepare the sales
people to understand what they are getting
into and what is expected of them. Raw
recruits do need this training. But the basic
problems of all training programs is in the fact
that certain character traits are already
embedded and indelibly marked in most
people by the time they enter life’s stream.
Even after many years of training and
experience many people never learn to
control certain habits and/or behavior
responses of theirs. For instance traits like,
shyness or brashness, impatience, over-
eagerness, arrogance, cleverness,
argumentativeness and such; although there
are many traits that help like sympathy and
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empathy, good manners, good elocution etc.

This is why most raining programs do not take

you very far. They make the person conscious
of certain points alright but most are not able
to incorporate these factors into their
persona. At the actual moment of need,
people always behave, act or/and react in a
predictable manner which is their basic
personality.

It is not easy for the sales people to visualize

or understand the needs of the buyer or the
way the buyer thinks. Most often they miss
the cues to what will trigger interest and
decision to finalize a purchase in the buyer.
Let us say the buyer is a millionaire and likes
his little luxuries which he can afford but the
sales guy would never have had the
opportunity to experience. For example the
texture and shape of the seat may be of more
importance to the buyer than the salesperson
can really ever imagine as he would not have
had the luxury of that kind of a life; then it
can be presumed that the sales person would
totally miss his shots while trying to impress
the buyer.

The salesman may be very talented and

informed about cars and would easily able to
reply all the questions of the buyer but may
miss the point that the buyer is a snob and
would not take kindly to be hustled or
crowded around. Technicalities may not even
105
bother the buyer. To him certain comforts
and amenities and discounts may be more
important. A buyer of a car rarely comes in
without some pre-thinking and can be
expected to be informed so his mind maybe
already half made up. I have seen buyers
being put-off by the aggressiveness and
insensitivity of sales persons.

I relate here a real experience.

A heavy-set man in his late fifties, a little
visibly arthritic was attracted to the new lines
of a car and went to have a look-see. The car
was a beauty and with a snob value brand-
name too. This is how a part of the
conversation went:
Buyer: It is lovely car.
Salesperson: Yes sir (and immediately started
on his rehearsed spiel)
Buyer: (Raised his hand to quieten him) I can
read all that in the documentation.
Unfortunately I find the seats and the car in
general too low for my comfort.
Salesman: (falls for the cue on the word
comfort) Sir, the seats provide an unsurpassed
level of comfort. You can travel for hours and
not feel any fatigue. The seats have been
designed to support the human form perfectly
and the cushioning has been researched to
give the maximum support and cushiness at
the same time. Once you are in the seat you
may not feel like getting out.
Buyer: (looks at the salesman, smiles and
walks away. His problem being that with his
106
body structure he has first trouble in getting
into the seat gracefully; he would have to let
himself plonk down into it. Then coming out
would be another Herculean task. The
chances are that he would not be able to get
up and out on a bad day at all.

Now as would be obvious to all of us, the

salesman missed the cues about the visibly
physical difficulty of the buyer who eventually
bought a SUV with a higher clearance and
seats.

In most management programs that are

outlined I notice, we give great advice which
is actually meaningless in practice. This is
because it is easier said than done. Most
people are creatures of habit and their
behavior patterns are not that easily
transformed by a few words thrown at them.

The words of Francis Bacon that say

something like this are important: We think
according to fancy, talk according to
education but behave by habit.

That is why I have been an enthusiastic

proponent of apprenticeship. After basic
training always place the new sales guy under
a senior. The job of the senior to be
specifically to train the junior and not just
use him as an assistant; a junior picks far
much more over the years by seeing a senior
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at work than short training stints can ever

inculcate. Additionally he would receive
proper corrections and advice to deal with
different situations which are highly
imperative to the learning process and
development of character.
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27. The WHYs behind the whys.

I read recently that people from lesser

privileged backgrounds like the ghettos,
jhuggi- jhopdis etc are more prone to
violence than others from better & cleaner
environments; the operative word being
“cleaner, more attractive, well organized and
kept and maintained surroundings.

Here is a piece of news that we should all be

sitting up and taking note of. There are so
many similar related traits that I have
pondered on and analyzed. How we carry the
environments like a metal plated coat on our
shoulders is not always appreciated although
to my eyes is plainly obvious. Understanding
of this phenomenon would help HR and our
own relationships both personal and
professional.

Now the question – “why”. Why do they

behave this way?

Let’s try and understand these actions more

in the spirit of starting a discussion than deep
psychological unraveling to prove anything.
Let me take up a few:

There is all the open space on the road. But

the other guy still does not find enough space
and bumps into you.
109
This is the way they feel comfortable and
justify their individuality. These unfortunate
people have known only cramped surroundings
that accord them no pride or individuality
with little or no space of their own. They have
never been alone. Living in cramped and
often dirty surroundings with no respite in
sight and with an underlying subconscious
thought that life has dealt them a miserable
hand.

There is a lot of empty space to park the car

but the guy still double parks and blocks the
road for everybody.
Self importance makes them want to be seen
always in a hurry. They take the shortest rout
from one point to another, even overtake at
curves and from the left or go over the other
half of the road; so importantly they have to
park right opposite the gate and
subconsciously the only way they can attract
attention is by being a bit of nuisance.

There is a Q at the milk booth but he still

tries to push his hand over others to be
served first.
He is supremely comfortable in his own
persona. Nobody else exists. He does not see
anyone else. I was at the booth and this young
lad came and tried to go over everybody,
specially a small servant girl. I stopped him
and told him flatly that he shall have to wait
his turn; his answered saying that he did not
110
see the girl. They live so much in a world
where they are the single most important
person that they automatically become blind
to everyone else. Then cheating is part of life;
is it not?

He sees the well kept courtyard and the first

thing he does is spit in front of the front door
before entering.
The poor guy is really showing off his good
manners; that before entering the house he
was clearing his throat and all. It is not his
fault that he has never known a clean “front”
as part of one’s image. The street where he
lives is the principal common drain too of the
locality. A beautiful front as part of the
character of the home is too far away from his
conception of things. He has only learnt to see
his smashing handsome self in the mirror and
he is very impressed by his image.

The whole sleeping compartment is asleep in

the train and two people wake up in the
morning and start talking and guffawing.
In their common life nobody has ever
respected their privacy. The concept simply
does not exist in their personas. They have
known dirt, neglect and are acutely aware
that for a few minutes of romp their parents
have endowed them a life-time of misery. If
they manage to get out of their abject
surroundings, they have to let the world know
it and it never occurred to them that what
they are so loudly announcing to the world is
111
not of interest to anybody or very
commonplace too..

He can very well talk inside his house which is

big enough and everything but still he prefers
to come out on the balcony and regale
everybody with his important conversation;
loud enough to be heard three houses away.
He has risen in the world. How else shall he
show it? In his childhood the family was
scrounging with 400 rupees a month. Now he
is making 40 thousand or more. It is cause for
blowing the trumpet. The problems arise
more when in today’s world you are raised
and brought in one environment and then
availability of cash technically raises your
level of social center but the habits acquired
earlier and the concepts ingrained in early
days do not go away and more often than not
are not even understood or realized.

He walks nonchalantly in the middle of the

road, stops to chat or whatever but always
dead in the middle of the road.
For this we need to study a bit of
anthropology. Since ages when we were living
with many more animals and wilder spaces,
we have this instinctive need to protect
ourselves from predators by staying away
from any tree or boulder as far as possible.
Where there is no option we stay as much in
the centre of the open space. This is still in
our make-up. We could take it as an
indication of how wild are our perceptions
112
and therefore our reactions.

Doors are never closed behind them nor goods

ever replaced.
Be it an almirah/cupboard, or the front door.
They will take the trouble to open them
because otherwise they can’t get to what
they want. But once their business is done,
they will let things be for others to take care
of the rearranging. Well they grew up in an
ambience of total pampering by their elders.
They did not have doors and things to worry
about anyway. Then eventually all these
habits become part of their fixed nature.
113

28. To Marry or Not

On this question:

Dear friends, One question that has bothered me

for quite sometime is the decision to get married. I
am 28. If things take their uninterrupted course, it
would mean an arranged marriage according to my
parents etc in a few years time.
On one hand, I have references to Sri Aurobindo's
letters to one of his disciples where he says not to
expect any sanction from Him regarding indulgence
of the latter's lower nature (something to that
effect).
On the other hand, we have Mother's beautiful
statements on marriage being of two souls, and the
extremely high demands which she places on
"compatibility”.
Further, a senior devotee of the Ashram told me
that marriages often do havoc to any spiritual
aspirations one may have, and has asked all sincere
sadhaks to "think thrice" before marrying.
A few conclusions which I have come to:
a.) While celibacy is extolled by Them, (not only
them but by a whole line of great spiritual
teachers), it's not for everyone. It's up to each
individual to find out where he stands. No small
demands as we often justify our weaknesses. When
are we "truly" incapable vs. when are we merely
"not being sincere enough". Tough question! e.g.
my own mind brings images of lonely death beds
114
and gloomy old age when I think of a celibate
life..(Ridiculous, I know!!)

b.) All I can say at this stage is that let me be

sincere as best I can, the questions I have regarding
how I should live my life will get answered. But, oh
it takes a lot of faith to believe that the answers will
eventually come and things will get resolved.

Hope I haven't sounded hopelessly foolish!

My own response:

You have not been foolish but also you have

not indicated if you want an answer.
I can place some details from my personal
experience.
Sexual activity becomes unimportant only later
in the sadhana when you have crossed a stage
of continuous contentment from every source
in the universe. Till then it can have a
disturbing influence by making its demands
and when not met it can corrode the spirit's
foundation and spoil the health.
Being brought up in the Ashram had also given
me the same mindset like yours and the same
set of questions. But at the same time I could
see the marriages around me and the lack of
happiness in them. This was very
discouraging.
I wanted to try out partnering with a woman but
every time I made a Friend or reached the
embrace stage, the selfishness of the woman
115
and her demands would begin and this was a
big put off.
Then I meditated and realised that I am
reacting to the shape of woman automatically;
something that is embedded in our make-up
since the beginning of time. If we focus
sincerely on what is happening in us we soon
see that it is not one person that we are
attracted to but the basic characteristics of the
opposite sex and proximity plays a big part in
these affairs of Love. Leave two bodies
together and they will find enough
attractiveness in themselves to want to mate.
When the world at large marries it is doing only
for this aspect totally ignoring the person in the
body. When the bodies' needs are met the real
person residing above the neck starts making
its demands and taking its stands and the
acrimony begins to enter the atmosphere.
So after seeing so much around me I
concluded I wanted a love affair and not a
marriage. Moreover I would wait till somebody
found me attractive enough and love me for
myself and then I would let myself go. I was
very influenced by the book Mrs Craddock by
Somerset Maugham. In this he says: Entre
deux aimants il y a toujours un qui aime et
l'autre qui se laisse aimer. (Between two lovers
there is always one who loves and the other
who lets himself/herself be loved)
And I could see this happening all around me
and my own experiments with flirting proved
that as long I was running after a person she
116
would show interest but soon it would melt into
nothingness.
Finally I had the experience of somebody who
came into my life and gave herself without
question at the age of 36. It was giving all the
way. And it was a most beautiful experience.
As they speak in the tantras, I had many
elevating experiences as I saw myself in all
hues and learnt more about myself than I had
in the rest of my years. Suddenly my own self
was laid out in front of me without any curtains.
Then circumstances changed. I even
discussed this with my teachers in the Ashram.
If I had to stay out in the world, marriage was
becoming a pragmatic necessity. But as a
practitioner of numerology I had seen that
marriage happens only with the diametrically
opposite number. So if I wanted to get into
marriage I should be ready for opposition,
misunderstandings and turbulence.
Again as an experiment I started a love affair
with numbers that I wanted to which were my
own but we would be in love (so called) but
every time I would propose marriage they told
me that they did not feel needed and would
leave me. Now what was wrong with me that
these ladies could see thru me I wondered?
Eventually I married for practical reasons and it
was a terrible time of torment. But I had
decided not to run away. I learnt a lot about my
own selfish attitudes because the feedback
from the partner was immediate and honestly
speaking true. So first I concentrated on my
117
negative attributes and compromised with my
partner at every stage. When the relationship
began to stabilise and she started trusting me
a bit, I stared discussing her attitudes and how
some of her behaviour was hurting me. Slowly
she also started to change her patterns but not
as consciously as I had done.
Finally I can say that marriage put me in a bind
and forced me to look inward and gave me the
final push towards enlightenment.
Now my wife and I are good Friends and
companions busy raising our kid.. Her own
insecurities do frighten her sometimes into
quarrels with me but they are manageable.
Now it is up to you to judge.

PK

Q 2. I want to know if there are some marriages

inspired by Mother and gave instant happiness.

My response:

Marriage by itself as an institution is at the

base level of humanity an attempt by the
elevated human mind to bring some order in
the chaos that sexuality brings. Marriage
inspired by the Mother? The question does not
seem very relevant to me.
The average humanity goes thru this mill and it
is the only kind of evolutionary sadhana an
average person goes thru. Humanity has been
118
brain washed to find happiness in it. Not alone
happiness but the ultimate happiness. Then
religious factors have been drummed into us
since our inception which are very contrary to
real life. So marriage creates many dilemmas.
Many of the dilemmas are so contrary to our
own life's path that a lot of pain is created
along with a pressure to find a break through.
Marriage until it goes beyond the hormonal
level and social customs cannot give
happiness.
It was designed for regularity and order in the
social order.
IT can give a lot of pleasures but until
companionship develops between the two
parties, there is no happiness.
I have known two marriages in the Ashram
which were based on the necessity of the spirit
and devotion to each other. Marriage vows
were taken more for convenience of the society
and its laws. The marriage in spirit was already
made.

A very basic problem of marriage is that people

out grow themselves and both the partners do
not grow equally not in the same direction nor
at the same speed. This creates even more
self-centered pressures.
Believe me; most marriages are together
because of economic or legal hassles and
sometimes because of the attachments to
children.
There were many times I wanted to get out of it
all but Our Mother is not that easy to go
119
against. She put me in such a bind in such a
way that there were no options left to me which
also means that I had to go thru it and come
out at the other end. Like it or not.
But when all is said and done.............
The best moments I have known in my life
came thru my child and I am enjoying my child
like a person possessed. Because now my wife
and I have found friendship we are having,
generally speaking, a jolly good time.

Q 3. but...it is not altogether true that if one gets

married it is "the end" of his/her spiritual life.

Married life like any other activity in life does

not make or break anything. Look around you.
How many people really try to educate
themselves about anything properly if at all? It
is their ignorance about the world and its
machinations + laziness + arrogance +
stupidity that breaks and mars.

The problem of marriage starts with the vital

being which likes to be appreciated and looks
for fulfillment of its desires and will hate anyone
who does not fall in line. The motto of the vital
has always been: Be reasonable. Do it my
way.

Now you can see this creates a big problem

because how can we go on in life without
120

others noticing our defects and our negative

attitudes?

The woman is not here to please you. She is

following certain dictates of genetics and vital
being. When she gives herself bodily, in her
view she has given all she has and after that
you can never satisfy her needs materially or
emotionally because her pail will never fill. Very
few men know how to handle this state and fall
into a trap they are unable to get out of.

The defective mentality of men is also a

barrier. They want to own the woman by force -
physical, emotional and mental. This can only
lead to disaster as she is not a commodity. The
groveling does not help either.

Most marriages are made in immature &

younger years. I feel happier marriages would
happen if people waited a little longer and went
into marriage only when they feel emotionally
and mentally a little more comfortable with the
world at large after having interacted with
people in the wide world.

Marriage can be a state of upliftment to those

who are looking to improve themselves but for
the average humanity it is just another bad
state of affairs, an imposition and a bitter pill
that has to be swallowed which nobody tries to
avoid either.
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29. Turning Point

ON BEING ASKED: There comes a moment in

life when everything changes for you. You
start seeing the world with fresh eyes. It is as
if you have jumped out of yourself and
acquired a whole new persona. It is like the
caterpillar growing wings and turning into the
butterfly.
Have you experienced such a turning point in
your life?
MY REPLY:
Well, to be honest nothing of the kind ever
happened to me although I have heard it
happening. My life began in an Ashram ( Sri
Aurobindo Ashram, Pondicherry). But yes one
little thing stands out. I was given a book by
The Mother of the ashram when I was sixteen.
At that age I read it but the words and the
word pictures were not conveying much. The
words were understood but not their
implication. Specially one sentence stood
out......... “Then you will see that the world
is standing upside down." Of course I could
see that every one as on their legs quite
upright; then what was She saying. The
sentence was at the back of my mind and has
been. Gradually as life unfolded, I could see
that people were lying left, right and centre;
very often for no reason. I wondered if this is
what Mother meant. Then I realised that
122
people are maintaining a facade. They wish to
be seen as honest, hardworking, sincere,
capable etc. While in their heart they were
looking for shortcuts, were totally insincere
and insecure about themselves as they knew
well that the qualities they were expecting
others to see in them were not there. They
knew well that they were living a charade but
simply did not have the guts to live otherwise.
What an upside down way to live?!

My own experience of life is that we are most

of the time playing chess within our lives for
no reason. For example when I was 10 or so,
some boys wanted to steal mangoes. In the
very first try we got caught. I decided then
and there that there is no value in this cat
and mouse game. Next time I wanted a
mango, I just went and asked the owner and
he gave me one! Similarly, I see people
fibbing on the telephone. The cell phone has
made this even more imperative. First I see
that everyone wants to be connected but
when they do get a call, specially from
somebody they do not want to talk to, they
play games such as saying they in the traffic,
or make funny noises and shut the phone off
or just keep on saying hullo many times as if
they are not getting any signal from the other
party. Why I ask myself are people
complicating their lives so much?

I can give other examples but I am sure you

would have got the gist.
123
I laugh when I see people hungry and lusting
after the opposite sex, running after them in
frenzy with all their guile and means at their
disposal; then considering themselves lucky to
have gotten their prize in marriage only to
realise later that it was no Happy Ever After
deal at all.

But they go through the motions of being

happily married and reiterate their love as
and when required and dedicate their lives to
their children who are tiring them out, totally
unhappy with their lot. For argument's sake
let me admit there are exceptions & luckily
this may not be wholly true with all but there
is an element of truth in it in a big way as the
soul which gives life to our existence is never
happy with all this waste of emotional energy
and time in keeping up appearances.

The same can be seen in the jobs they hold;

proud to be what they are or at least they
make a show of it with full awareness that
they are a nobody, a cog in a big wheel,
totally replaceable. Look at the possessions
they have; they collect and collect goods
around them and soon tire of them or want
something better but in company or even to
themselves would be loathe to admit that
they are not entirely happy with their lot. The
hollowness of our lives shows very clearly in
our collection of acquaintances and the
friends we make. Life's needs and social
124

necessities force us to behave totally contrary

to our nature. The show of camaraderie,
promises made, love professed,
responsibilities shouldered is faked and
tiresome but we go along because we dare not
otherwise or because it suits our own selfish
needs and plans at that moment in time.

If this is not living upside down, then what is?

125

30. Upgrade or perish

As a consultant to industry, I have had the

pleasure to meet many leaders who reached
an enviable market position but then instead
of improving and building upon it, let the
company slide into oblivion. They often hit
upon a good product and their foray into the
market is successful. On the basis of this they
create a small empire of sorts. But then the
pioneering spirit gradually fades. The
company head becomes more interested in
spending the money he is making rather than
worry about the company; after all the
managers are supposed to do that. Only one
thing would be amiss here. The owner does
appoint managers but keeps all the authority
of decisions in his own hands. So for every
mishap, he has a scapegoat at hand and he is
quite happy with the situation.

It is quite akin to the old “zamindar” mindset.

Lord of the realm; the money raking in
without effort. The children being busy
enjoying themselves; the very property that
was feeding them going to the dogs due to
mismanagement and vested interests of the
managers who were creating small empires of
their own at the expense of their Lord.

I have seen small and big companies close

shop with a regularity that can only mean a
126
faulty mindset. It is only when the company
would start losing money that they would
start thinking of taking action. Mostly I found
that it was the second generation which was
at fault. Their fathers started something and
the enterprise flowered. The only mistake the
parents made was to leave the education of
their progeny to other agencies like schools
and colleges. The time they should have given
to train up the second generation to slip into
their shoes, they simply could not afford. So it
happens with regularity that the second
generation inherits an empire for which they
were not adequately trained to handle.

Management by the second generation is

limited to action taken in jerks and uncertain
steps. It is more in the spirit of experiment
than knowing what to do. When the fabric is
old, patching up and darning won’t do.
Whatever the action taken, it always is a case
of too little too late when the company was
beginning to take its last gasps and by then it
would be too late.

India is full of such brands and their

promoting companies that were household
names in the 50-70s but today have
disappeared. I had the fortune to be
connected with quite some of them. Every
time I would speak to them of the necessity to
upgrade and improve upon their product line
or diversify or take advantage of their market
127
position with new approaches, I would get a
singularly similar response. At best they would
agree to some cosmetic changes but no more.
In at least five cases I even found them new
products and all they had to do was launch
them but none of the companies had the
courage or vision to do so. Of course I was
dealing with the CEOs; otherwise read
“owner”.

In short this boiled down to their

understanding of their product which was
selling fine, their times which were glorious
with all and sundry bowing to them and the
fact they thought their position was
unassailable and would simply continue on
into eternity. They were making money and
their product line was in demand and there
was no competition in sight. They had arrived
and the forward movement of the industrial
world would now stop there while they raced
on.

It all depends on the individual and most do

precisely what they should not. The moment
they feel that they have arrived, they become
complacent. They see them-selves only in
neon lights. They refuse to worry about such
things as self-improvement and upgrades. It
never occurs to them in their arrogant
befuddled state that products, technology and
markets change. And so do people. They can
only see themselves moving forward and none
to beat them. After all, time and time again
128
have they not proven themselves as top-class
and top of the class? It is so surprising to see
this smug lot, not willing to acknowledge that
a new crop of more-with the-times people are
joining the world every year.

Luckily too, life is not very long. 3 score and

ten years pass in a jiffy. The sad part is that
we never realize this part of life and never
learn to be grateful. We live with arrogance
and die preoccupied with what will happen to
our goods and chattel built over with so much
pain and anxiety.
129

31. When To Scold

On this Q: Today I scolded the watchman of

my building very badly he was not
switching on the water pump.
Later when I saw his eyes they were full of
tears .Have always tried
talking politely with him but he has always
taken me for granted today I
scolded so finally he switched it on.

What is the ideal way? I am not able to judge

that which I did today was
the right attitude or not .

My response:

The answer to this predicament is in

developing a stable persona which is first true
to itself. If you had felt that he was not doing
his job, you should have said so in a normal
way right at the first instance. If you kept
silent, it means you gave tacit approval. After
that if he began to take this as normal and
took all of you for granted, why should he
not? It never would have occurred to him that
he was being given a lot of margin of error in
his actions and that you were all being nice to
him. He most probably thought everything was
just fine and that he was doing a good job
because nobody was ever complaining.
130
This subject has been on my mind lately
because my wife has the tendency to take the
same attitude. She will never let show her
true feelings. She will keep silent and let
others do whatever they want at home and at
work. Then one day (approx after six months)
she will burst out in anger not only
complaining, but being abusive as well. I have
been trying to drum this into her since ages
that she should not allow a wound to fester.
Tackle it immediately. Never let an unsavory
situation to get off the ground. A stitch in
time saves nine. So much heart break and ill
will can be avoided by complaining softly
before egos get involved. This can be called
being tactful.

Some fault for this situation can be laid on our

upbringing and education. We are taught to
be "NICE' and polite and kind etc. We are
taught that good manners are better than
being true and clear. So of course, there is a
gap between what we want to and what we
do; with a lot of suppressed irritation or guilt.

We humans, tend to gravitate between

extremes, highly influenced by the weather,
TV, neighbors and all that we hear and see.
Our behavior tends to be very inconsistent
indeed. This is the entire focus of the
teachings of The Mother and Sri Aurobindo.
First integrate your personality into a
cohesive whole and then you will know
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exactly what to do, precisely the action and
attitude to take at any given moment.

Then there are a lot of judgmental people and

for them I had written an article sometime
ago of which I repeat some passages:

Have you noticed how some people can speak

their part only in outbursts of some kind?
They would be otherwise nice, sane people
going about their lives in a circular routine
that they have built around themselves. Yet,
under their calm exterior there is always
some undercurrent of judgmental thoughts
flowing quietly which, keeps them
perpetually irritated about something or the
other.

So coming back to our original premise, we

need to consider the why and why-nots of the
situation. The question is why some people
speak their part only in anger; and this is not
just anger, it is also laced with a heavy dose
of indignation. Indignation presupposes that
the person has been wronged and has been
made to suffer due to the unworthy actions of
the other guy. This also presupposes that
some sort of judgment has already been
passed. So, I can safely say that the person
speaking out in hot flashes is not being
pragmatic, he has not bothered to listen to
both sides of the story and feels so strongly
that he has been wronged that there is no
132
space for discussions in the situation. The
situation is exacerbated by the person’s need
to not only prove his point but also teach the
other malefactor a lesson even if it has to be
drilled into his head. This I suppose is what
they call road rage when it happens on the
highway.
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32. Contradicting Lovingly

When I was young, in college and still sorting

out the everyday contradictions in terms of
human relationships, one of the features of
my life was to understand the attitude of my
parents towards me. From one angle it was
clear that I was precious to them and from
another angle, they seem to take me for a
nincompoop. At one end of the spectrum I was
supposed to do them proud by coming up to
some standards that were never clearly
defined while at the same time I was not
supposed to show any initiative and do what I
was told. On this point the directions were
clear: as if the parents were saying “We are
here and know what is best for you. We are
doing the thinking for you, all that is needed
will be provided; you; just be a nice, sweet
chubby child, the apple of our eyes.” As if
they had never bargained for the child to
grow and assert some of his own personality.

When this time did come, it changed into a

period of confrontation. It became a
competition between two diametrically
opposite tendencies. One set in their ways,
afraid of change and the other experimenting
and exploring, feeding and thriving on change.
Eventually the situation came to a pass where
all listening came to a stop. Every sentence of
my father began with a “NO”. This puzzled
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me to no end and unfortunately nobody was
giving me the right honest answers either.

Then one day I went to somebody’s house and

there I saw a sticker. It showed an older
cranky looking man shouting at an obviously
younger child: “The answer is No. Now what
did you want?” This was the beginning of
wisdom finally coming into my life. I realized
that a sticker made in the USA, if so universal
in its character, is floating around then
certainly this attitude of my parents which
was puzzling me, is more universally
prevalent than is honestly accepted. A little
more close observation of all the parents
around me, backed by reading The Reader’s
Digest made the answers come tumbling into
my life.

Today into my late adult life, I am astonished

to see how much this tendency to negate and
contradict permeates life in general. As I see
it, the seeds are sown when the child is
growing into an adult and the parents are not
grasping this fact in its entirety. They want to
protect him and shield him. In their zeal they
don’t want him to act at all, as if this way
they can protect him from all adversity. The
child on the other hand begins first by
seething inside and then hiding his true self
and living a double life; so to say. The parents
get more and more strongly into the denying
and the child starts even more vehemently
saying No to it. Is it any wonder that the adult
135
who results is afraid that his life will be taken
over and therefore learns to say No to
everything. His relationships are all difficult;
whatever kind it may be- professional,
amicable or amorous. This way he gets into a
perennial “denial” mode. This perverted
character then gets passed on from
generation to generation.

Look around closely. How often do you see

people agreeing and accepting each other and
in comparison how often we are crossing each
other out?

I remember when I was just entering teenage;

I was trying to paint a sunset. My father’s
comment on seeing my attempts was that I
being a child should try to paint subjects more
suitable to my age. But I kept on which upset
him and finally got what I wanted,
appreciated by others or not. In my case the
story has a happy ending. Eventually, many
years later, I painted a canvas which before
even it was dry; my father took it and hung it
in his room. This was appreciation of a high
order.

Fate had a hand in my upbringing. I had the

good luck to grow into an adult far away from
the restrictive and limited scope of my home.
I had an international exposure and had
teachers who were always listening and ready
to help me find the answers to MY questions;
136
without the bias of social norms restricting
our exchanges.

Yet sadly my father never got over his habit of

taking the opposite side to any exchange of
idea, conversation or suggestion. It was so
sad. I wanted so much to converse and share
my life with him. But he would not accept me
as anything but his child who should in all
good sense let him run his life. He never
outgrew my childhood and this contradiction
always showed in his behavior.
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33. FUTILITY OF IT ALL

When I was young, the book that mattered

greatly was the book on etiquette. Today this
has been overtaken by write-ups after write-
ups in every journal of all kinds and yet the
number of people who couldn’t care less has
also grown. Sensitive people who are used to
thinking about life’s finer graces are
distressed a bit by all the selfishness and crass
stupidity. And the futility of it all. Where has
all the grace and charm of beautiful people
gone to?

Remember the times when everyone wished

everyone good-morning even to strangers and
“Sorry” was an often used word? When we
took care not to impinge on other’s space and
held the door open for others? It seems like
lore to today’s children, stories from another
era, seen only in the movies.

Today the people have been given a power

through gadgetry and the constitution. The
problem is that they have no idea about their
limits. Nobody has taught it to them so it is
really not their fault. Result is they are
crossing over into everyone's patches. It is
chaos which is leaving a lot of crushed
gardens in its wake. This chaos could have
been easily avoided. Education about these
138
little things begins in childhood at home and
ends with grooming at school.

The tragedy is that the growth of the money

market has speeded up the process
exponentially. From the time money comes
into the hands of someone and the time he
enters society has been reduced to seconds.
The buffer period needed to spread this
education on basic etiquette is non existent.
Everyone is busy making money and privileges
are bought. Status comes with material
possessions in this culture and etiquette
becomes meaningless. And arrogance comes
free with the package.

The world is what it is and we need to accept

it as it is although we don’t have to like it.
The big question with people like you and me
is how to protect ourselves from this
onslaught. You really can’t. For an intelligent
person all this is depressing. But I suppose we
can reassure ourselves by assuming that the
Mother Earth and God have a plan. Slowly and
surely through pain, humanity is learning.
Take for instance "hunting”. The same people
who annihilated the whale and the lions are
today fighting to keep them alive. The same
people who invented the internal combustion
engine and started the rape of the
environment are today at least thinking in
terms of saving the planet from the green
house effect.
139
What we can do is look inwards at our own
life. Fill it with laughter and humor. The
technology which has made life impossible
also makes it possible for us to isolate
ourselves if we want. Read. Watch movies.
Listen to music. Potter in the Garden. Take
disappointments with a pinch of salt and a lot
of philosophy.

We can reduce our stress by cutting out all

that can be cut out. Learn to ignore. Running
the world is not our responsibility. You do
your best in all sincerity and goodwill. Leave
the results to GOD. You are only an
instrument and HE made you that way. So it
is HIS responsibility in every small conceivable
way. Trust the Creator and the Creation.

While climbing the evolutionary ladder,

everyone reaches a plateau. This is the time
when depression may set in. In occult terms
of philosophy, it means that you have out
grown the present environment OR that for
some reason the learning process has come to
a stop. You will need to make an effort to
restart the learning process by changing
activities and doing things - making mistakes -
"Intelligence was the helper that you made
come where you are and now it is this very
intelligence which is the block".

Go back to the child in you. Don’t be afraid to

make a fool of yourself. Don’t overdo and kill
140
yourself but also don’t just sit there. It will
kill you anyway.

Go for all the small things that give you

contentment; Friends and activities.
Create a small impenetrable corner where you
can be yourself. Let the world go to Jericho if
it wants to. Do your best and sleep well after
a day well spent.
141

34. GIVE THEM ROPE

It does not require a sharp mind to observe

that there is a definite tendency to
overwhelm and control others and situations
in every one of us. Virtually everyone who is
lucky enough of being in some sort of position
to influence another does it almost without
exception. An elder child does it with his
sibling; a parent does it with his child; a
manager does it with his junior. Most often
the message that is imparted is of a subliminal
arrogance telling the other guy something like
this: “Leave it to me. I am here to take care
of everything. Things, anyway, will go better
if you let me handle it. You just do what I ask
you to.” There is a definite stifling of
initiative and growth.

Even in normal day-to-day minor interactions,

this propensity shows. Every sentence is
preempted by ending the other’s sentence or
feeding the right word; every activity
immediately demands their attention and
advice, if not downright intervention; full of
the tendency that what they do not know is
not worth knowing. They are the poorest
listeners; they know the solutions even
without knowing the problems; they are
impossible. And if per chance you have the
temerity or courage, depends on which way
you look at it, to stop them or ignore them,
142
their grand sulk is terrific drama to contend
with.

Life is made of two different compartments.

One in which there is a learning process taking
place and the other in which all the ability
acquired is used to teach others what we have
learnt. None was born fully educated and
trained. Whatever a person has become, he is
the result of education, parenting and effort
put by others; and this is a continuous
process. All this background goes into running
individual lives to the best of one’s
understanding.

It is therefore important to understand that

we have not only to learn from life but we
must not weaken the character of others who
are dependent on us for their learning and
stifle their initiative. People junior to us will
make mistakes and messes. Some of these
messes will even be expensive. Kids will want
to shirk from studies and make umpteen
mistakes and disastrous experiments. Young
people will want to run away from difficult
jobs and situations. Seniors will not want their
juniors to have too much of a free hand for
fear of a catastrophe. In these situations what
would be the right stand to be taken? Give
them rope. Don’t let go of the rope
completely but give it enough slack tempered
by your wisdom and patience. Don’t cage
them or tie them to a pole but let them romp
in the garden with well-defined borders.
143
It is imperative not to butt in one’s head in
each and every tiny matter. This
unfortunately becomes so secondary a nature
that most individuals do it with uncontrolled
abandon; a totally non-essential stress, self-
imposed. The excuse that is given to one’s
own self is that if control was not exercised,
all would go haywire and as the senior most in
that situation, this action is part of primary
responsibilities. No. There is no justification
for this attitude except in the sense of one’s
own importance. A little let going will not
harm the running of the universe. It will most
probably enhance your prestige as a wise,
caring and fun person.

What are we telling them?

Our wisdom has some weird ways to show

itself. The scenarios being given below are
founded on reality.

Take this scene: A three year old is seeing

that when father comes home he is given a
glass of water first thing. So next time he
opens the door to his father, his first reaction
is to run into the kitchen and pick up the first
appropriate vessel he finds, fills it with water
and goes to offer the same to his father. If he
is alone, hopefully there will be nobody to
stop him and hopefully if the father is a kind
and wise man, he will gladly accept the
water.
144
The other scenario is unfortunately more
likely. The child might be seen and the first
reaction of the adult would be to stop him in
his track. With words to the effect telling him
that he will make a mess although he has not
done anything of the kind yet. Many
apprehensions will surface because for all one
knows he has dirtied many other vessels with
his unclean hands or picked up a dirty one;
etc, etc. All this as if the sky has fallen and in
a loud shout of warning. The poor kid gets
bawled for no apparent reason that he can
remotely understand. His good-will gesture
has become a disaster for him. He has been
thoroughly scared and upset. One thing that
has been very succinctly made clear to him is
that: (a) He has no rights and he will always
wonder if he belongs there, (b) Taking
initiative is bad, (c) Nobody appreciates him,
(d) He is totally inept; and so on so forth in
the same train.

The child has in this scenario received the gift

of a very negative self-picture and an even
more negative world, which is reinforced
every now and then with similar situations
and this may go on for the rest of his waking
days. Then will come the day when he will
grow up and he will be expected to take
charge and prove himself to be one of the
elite! Rather incongruous, don’t you think?
145
Take this second scene: A young lady of some
merit has landed a job as a teacher. It is a
new life for her and the new environment is
somewhat daunting although not impossible.
She has some good reports even to her credit
but all is not smooth sailing with her
colleagues. She has really never been exposed
to the outer world and this blunt world can be
mystifying. She comes home and has a lot to
say on the subject of clashing egos and her
grumbles. The mother responds with the sage
advice that she should leave the job with
immediate effect. The message that has been
in reality conveyed is: (a) Stay at home with
us, (b) Snobbism is acceptable, (c) Effort is
painful, (d) Compromises are demeaning, (e)
Stay within the known comfort zone. This is
hardly the way to ready one’s progeny for an
independent life later on. Especially when
marriage is not far off. The mother is sowing
seeds that encourage weakness of spirit
spiced with self-centeredness, which will only
bring pain to her daughter. But in this topsy-
turvy life it would be called doing well and
standing by their children!

A last incidence to give more meaning to the

subject in question: A young boy of seven is
very friendly with his neighbor who is a smart
guy going bout on a motorcycle, the very
epitome of what a young boy dreams of being.
It is winter and he evinces a great wish for a
pair of gloves. The neighbor agrees to buy him
a pair if he would clean his bike every
146
morning. The boy is in seventh heaven and
gets started right away. But his mother hears
about it and right away a thunderous situation
develops. The mother, a working and earning
member of society and very proud of it, is
absolutely against the idea that her son, the
apple of her highborn Brahmin eyes, should be
wiping off the dust on bikes like a menial.
“What” says she, “do we lack? I’ll buy you all
the gloves. What do you have to worry about
as long as we are there? The neighbor is a
monster!” The child is hurt. The neighbor is
shocked. The point has been made. The seed
of the following lesson are sown: (a) Self
reliance is demeaning, (b) It is the parent’s
responsibility to provide, (c) Effort is for the
lower castes, (d) Pride comes first.

If only people would hold their peace. The

world would move a little slower and even
uncertainly, but as time and time over it has
been seen, things do work out.
The universe has a plan, you know!
147

35. I DID tell you!

The question is not that we can or should be

at work without a break but are we all
listening? The human persona cannot just go
on and on. It is logical to assume that even
though the eyes and ears are physically open,
most brains behind them are asleep at the
core; which of course leads me to assume that
we are most often making the right gestures
but not registering anything.

As it is, the humans are known to be bad

listeners. We are so occupied at saying our
piece that our ears are perennially switched
off. This is actually intelligent behavior as
listening would presuppose that some
demands may have to be acquiesced to. So we
have this lovely scenario where everyone is
yapping away but there is little or no attempt
to ensure that it is all registering at the other
end. And this is precisely the point I wish to
make.

We have acquired some very self-defeating

habits. I will take up two that I feel are the
worst. One is the fact that our impatience is
so acute that we do not think twice to butt in
a conversation and the second is that we do
so without ensuring that anyone is listening to
us or not. First we disturb the two people at
148
conversation and this shows the downside of
our manners and then we expect to be heard
first which shows the extent of our self-
preoccupation. Then the worst part is that the
person addressed to is unable to resist the call
and responds and thereby adding to the
mellee. So here I am standing in front of the
judge, frightened of the consequences while
my lawyer is trying to make a point and the
judge starts listening to some other lawyer.
How would you feel under the circumstances?
We are all of us culprits and doing this all the
time and as I have seen in India this is so
common and acceptable a practice that no
one is annoyed. This attitude also shows in
our inability to form queues or wait our turn
at the counter or even let the other guy finish
his sentence.

But more to the point is the catastrophic

situations that are being created at all times
and the irritants that we are adding to our
lives. We can’t sit still for a moment. With
our laptop and mobile phone in hand we just
have to be up and doing something. The brain
and nerves are stretched out in hundreds of
directions at the same time at any given time
and I wonder if everyone is going a mile a
minute then who is sitting still enough to
bother to listen to me? Is it surprising that
nothing gets done properly and our
achievements are all half baked or need
immediate correction when done? It is no
secret that quite often we discuss and argue a
149
project or subject into such a confusion that
all that remains to be done is bury it.

Communications have now become incessant

and we are all expected to be at our listening
posts at all times so of course the antidote is
to shut off the process.

I give an instance from my personal life.

Magnify and transpose these small incidents
and possibilities into other instances and you
will understand the magnitude of the point
being made.

Yesterday, I was sitting watching TV but

because my wife was talking to me in her
usual style which means that from out of the
blue she will start talking and expect me to
take it all in, most probably from somewhere
at my back with her face diametrically in the
opposite direction. So when my ears
registered that she was talking to me I
instantly switched my attention to her
otherwise bouncers would start flying at me
and of course asked her to repeat. My child
was playing nearby and there was nothing to
bother about the scene at all. Just then, it
seems, the maid brought me a hot cup of
coffee and placed it on the table within the
reach of the child while I was looking away.
The child all of 20 months old, lovingly and
helpfully picked it up and started putting it in
my hands – all this while I was not even aware
of the coffee. Of course as things would be
150
my waving arm hit the cup and the poor child
dropped the coffee in my lap; I shrieked and
the child bawled in consternation and now I
am nursing a burn; and, god forbid, if the
coffee had dropped on the child? Gosh, I am
afraid to think of it. I asked the maid why she
left the cup within the child’s reach without
informing me and she replied that she did tell
me! But I was so engrossed at listening to my
wife that I did not hear her!! She knew that I
had not heard and yet she did not try to
ensure that I be made aware of the hot cup at
my elbow. When I asked why she had left it
within the child’s reach she replied in all
honesty that the possibility of a mishap did
not enter her mind. So that was that.!!!

The solution? Simple; first attract the person’s

attention, then, when certain, then alone
speak to him/her directly with eyes meeting.
And for good manner’s sake please wait your
turn.
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36. Living in the COMFORT ZONE.

There is much talk of progress and success

nowadays. Motivational programs are
everywhere. In what meaning of the word are
we talking? For argument’s sake, lets confine
ourselves to make it mean: Advancement in
career and money making prospects. This
then presupposes that everyone would always
be striving to improve one’s earning
capabilities and keep on rising in one’s
working domain to reach higher and higher
positions in the given hierarchy. This may be
the first fallacy but let’s accept it as true for
now.

How many of us are really prepared to go that

extra mile to achieve this so called goal,
which ideally everyone is expected to be
pursuing? As I see it, the goal is more in the
desire form than in practice. Every goal has
ladders and every ladder has steps. Every step
necessitates a struggle or overcoming a
shortcoming. This has two sides to the coin.
One: One has to gauge correctly what is it
that will make us go forward towards our
goal. A sincere and impersonal guide and
mentor are needed and they are extremely
difficult to find or even recognize. Two: Once
the elements requiring correction en route
are understood, a great effort is needed to
retrain ourselves with new thought patterns
152
and habits. Subconscious patterns, inculcated
since the day we are born are deeply
embedded in us and we have to literally fight
against their hold on our everyday lives.

My personal perception is that most prefer to

find a minimum sustenance program in life
and stay within their comfort zones doing
little to even accept the fact that its their
own shortcomings that is keeping them back.
Even when life gives us a knock or two and is
kind enough to show us the way and the error
of our ways, we find enough logic to
rationalize and let the lesson slip into the
comfortable slot of unpleasant occurring.

Take a struggling lawyer. He has passed out

recently and raring to go. What can he do to
advance surely and speedily? Perhaps become
a junior with an already established lawyer
and under his umbrella make a mark for
himself? To arrive even at this juncture would
need a certain modicum of language ability
and study of legal texts and some luck. If he
has it and he is taken in, the beginning is
made. Would he be content with this? His job
would be to take orders and labor his heart
out to the bone. Quite often giving him tired
muscles and a bruised ego. A junior is but a
junior. Will he bear with it because of the
learning process he is going through and grow
or will his vanity refuse to take this position
so low in the pecking order and quit and move
into a situation closer to his comfort zone?
153
And what could this be? An independent status
struggling to exist but at least his own boss!

Scurrying back into one’s comfort zone is a

natural and primary tendency. This is at all
levels; mental, emotional and physical.
Laziness influenced by arguments from our
ego wins over effort most often. Change
means learning and changing habits and this
requires a concerted and very conscious
effort. Is this sustainable in real life? Why
disturb the status quo?

Take for instance the status of most

marriages. Is it a made-for-each-other
existence or a compromise where we learn to
coexist for the comforts of a home? There are
wives being battered but they continue to
stay put. There are husbands being nagged to
death but they continue to stay put. There
are millions of people stuck in jobs and
situations they hate but doing very little to
take the next step that will take them to
better their existence. How does one explain
this? Simple: It is so much simpler to live and
continue within one’s existing known comfort
zones.

Let’s look around us. How many people are

bothered to improve their communication
ability yet never failing to complain that
nobody understands them? How many are
complaining that there are no avenues to
progress in their lives yet failing to take any
154
initiative whatsoever except grumbling? How
many of us are constantly criticizing the other
guy or blaming fate for all the ills and happily
wasting time to make the world hear our
version over and over again?

This is not only the soft option but also the

option of cowards who prefer to scurry back
into their zone of comfort at the first hint of
troublesome effort like frightened mice into
their mouse holes.
155

37. Opt for Change

Another year comes to an end and there will

be many words written and repeated on the
resolutions we take to bring change into our
lives. Here are a few from my pen as well.

In the past few days I have been socializing

within my old group of family and friends
more than is normal for me. Suddenly it hit
me like a bomb. Everyone is talking about the
wrongs of this world and they have a lot to
say too. But nothing in their conversation
indicated or gave any hint that they were
doing something about it or looking for
solutions. Rather there was a concrete feeling
that they were all making small talk and their
grievances made for a good subject as any. It
had the added advantage to let the world at
large know how burdened their lives are and
how well they are taking it or/and managing
within the tedious circumstances.

Of course there was an underlying pattern of

vanity even in this as they were all vying to
prove to each other that their troubles were
greater than those of the rest of us.

The bomb that hit me was the realization that

it was all absolutely superficial and more in
the nature of keeping the conversation ball
rolling. Of course as we lead rather mediocre
156
and humdrum lives, we have much to
complain about. Our own intention to go deep
into the matter and look for a solution is
never evident; rather I would say totally
absent. If at all we are looking forward into
the future it is always with this hope that the
world will change enough to accommodate us
and all our woes will go away one fine
morning. The effort is to keep ourselves with
inane and avoid real contemplation. Hours are
spent in discussions. Each and every aspect is
dissected from every angle in great detail.
The sentences are pregnant with cares. Along
with every issue raised there is an
accompanying sentence that rationalizes the
happenings so wonderfully that no avenue is
left to really put in the effort to do something
about it. We look for answers but only those
that satisfy our own view or desire will find
favor with us. This is hypocrisy in action.

I remember being deeply influenced by this

quote when I was younger: “People who want
by the yard and work for it by the inch should
be kicked by the foot”. I was just coming out
of my teens and the insincerity and the gap
between what people would say and would do
was so great that it brought out all my
impatience and I would say so and like any
angry young man, I was vehement about it. If
only the energy they put in all this drama was
put in improving their sort, what colossal
changes could be given birth to. Like all young
people I was impatient to cure and change
157
and did not kindly to the evasive tactics I
met. Now I understand better and am more
tolerant but it still amuses me to see how we
fool ourselves into believing that this type of
cosmetic rationalizing will sweep the
“immediate” under the carpet and we will
live another day; who knows what miracles
are waiting for us the next morrow. Everyone
sees through the charade and I must give
kudos to the optimist in us. Nobody is taken in
by these rationalizations, least of all they
themselves but it keeps the appearance up
and this is where the crunch it: the social
necessities are taken care of and we survive
to live another day.

What I am repeatedly calling

“rationalizations” is in reality excuses that we
pluck from our fount of knowledge. There is
so much ancient text, accepted customs and
scientific principles to choose from. What
ever the subject may be, there is always some
commonly accepted rule or principle that will
satisfy both the pro and con of the issue. This
comes in handy to find a good reason to act
upon what our heart desires or not, as the
case may be. To illustrate my point, I would
like to bring forth our use of the words Karma,
Fate and Destiny. Excuses like “I am suffering
because of my Karmas in my past lives”;
“Things will happen only if it is written in my
Destiny” are heard every day. Every suicide is
preceded by the logic “There is no other
way”. Remember the disparaging comments
158
of wise people in the 19thcentury for people
who were experimenting with flying
machines: “If God had wanted Man to fly, He
would have given him wings”.

History and everyday occurrences prove

without doubt that the world is moving on
because there are people who do not take
“NO” for an answer and do not understand the
science of making excuses. Yet we refuse to
grow up and take the wheel of our lives in our
hands in a more determined manner. It is so
much easier to find reasons to do what is
convenient to us! I used to eat in a restaurant
when I was a bachelor. For twenty years a
nice man served me there. The 18 hours a day
job was taking a huge toll of his health. I was
so impressed with him that I asked him to
learn driving so that he could be taken in as a
cook cum driver in a household with better
pay and living conditions. But he never found
the time. Then one day the restaurant just
folded up. The poor man was out on the
street and survival became the priority.

I repeat here two paragraphs from an article

written by Carol Allen

Any therapist -- heck, any five year old -- will

tell you that change is hard. We get snuggled
up in our mediocre comfort zones and that's
where we stay until we're so fat, miserable,
broke, sick or FILL IN THE BLANK that we do
159
something different.

Positive change requires some critical pre-

steps. First: you have to know what you
want. Amazingly, studies show that only one
person out of one hundred knows what they
want. Second: You have to know WHY you
want it, and your WHY has to be so compelling
and inspiring that every setback and challenge
along the way won't stop you.

Would you have the courage to look at

yourself? Or would rather maintain the status
quo and let things be?
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38. Removing or Promoting

A news coverage commentary on CNN made

me pen these few words. She was talking
about the spread of this new disease in Africa.
She was advocating further funds to be poured
in aid of removal of suffering. My question is:
are we removing or promoting?

Why are we so eager to pour millions and

millions into programs that lead us no-where?
Why are we so eager to promote the welfare
of people who are not really eager to do
anything for themselves? It is fantastic how
humans can delude themselves that life is one
Silk Road with happiness and wish fulfillment
is its goal.

Life may be utter misery, so what? The very

person who complains about it also goes about
doing precisely what he should not to make it
worse. This reminds me of an instance from
my own life. Many, many years ago my maid
came to me with a request for a loan. Not a
small loan. Something in the nature of Rs
10.000 which left me aghast. I was paying her
a salary of Rs 300 per month. Her monthly
earnings were barely Rs 1200 from work in
four homes. But look at her courage. She was
prepared to take on a loan which she would
never be remotely ever to pay.
161
I was well aware that her husband was a
never-do-well and had never earned a penny
in his life. He did assist in spending the money
on a drink every evening. Her married
daughter had been deserted by her husband
and was living them. Her two sons were
coming up the same way. She was bringing
them up to become gentlemen with education
and white collar jobs but she forgot to imbibe
in them the value of work – hard or soft. In
every household, starting with their own they
were seeing the man of the house shirking
work and yet being taken care of by the
women. So finally both the boys grew up into
expecting that their wives would take care of
the earning and working part. They were
convinced as would have been obvious to all
that they were a gift to mankind or at least to
their womankind. The maid was taking this
loan to marry off her first born. I did not give
her any money. I did not have any to give. I
did ask her how the son would support a
family. She had no reply. Sheer optimism won
through. She did find somebody to give her a
loan at an exorbitant interest and she went
ahead with the marriage.

Some months ago I met her again working as a

sweeper in the temple I sometimes visit and
enquired about her family. The sons it seems
were not doing anything. Their wives were
working and keeping the home fires burning.
Her husband was now too old and sick and
although she did not say it, it could be seen
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that it was all a great burden. She had
perpetuated her own miserable life on to the
next generation. The loan had become a
weight around the neck. What bothers me is
this – when we assist these short-sighted
people are we helping them or hurting them?
Can we really ever help them?

I cannot stop thinking that if she had not

found anyone to give her the loan, she would
be better off!

In the same context a reality check is

warranted on how we are living and how the
governments are running the world. Look
around you. We are systematically destroying
everything around us that upholds life and yet
we are not short on complaining. We all know
about the contamination and pollution but
individually how much are we doing to reduce
it?

We all know about syphilis from centuries past

and today AIDS. Yet how many of us are afraid
to have a romp at the first occasion we get?
We even go looking for it in brothels. AIDS
today is on the rampage. The media is doing
its bit to highlight it. Millions are being spent
on research to look for a cure. Is this the right
track? The person who is endangering his own
life and the life of his partners, does he not
have any responsibility? What is he doing to
stop the menace? Are these people worthy of
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being protected and kept alive; for what
effective purpose?

Then there is also the next question. Why

should they not die? That is the way the
universe works. The pragmatic rule is of come
and go. The universal rule is of natural
selection of the fittest. Why are we fighting
against it? What’s so frightening about death?
The whole world is today swayed by this
philosophy where death is to be avoided or
delayed at all costs. Whose idea of
immortality and youth is to keep looking
twenty and have “FUN”; whatever that
means? Look how the medicine systems and
lifestyles are developing. Indulgence is the
goal. It is not the quality of life but longevity
that is their focus. I have seen families in
India, ruined by the cost of so called
“treatment” of incurable states of cancer or
some such even with no hope and death
predictably a short time away. Why ruin the
family that is left behind? Why is the world
spending such big fortunes to delay the
inevitable but so little in prevention, careful
and sensible living?

I think my question is pertinent. Shall we

promote the best as our ancestors were
forced to do in spite of themselves or shall we
promote sickness and misery?
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39. RIDICULE IS A WEAPON

Lately I have suddenly woken up to a very

displeasing habit in many of us. I was
observing it since long but saw the severity of
it only now and realized that we are infected
by this virus more than would have been
thought polite; yet nobody seems to mind and
everybody seems to be indulging in it to some
extent, some, of course, more than others. I
was pondering over it when I came across this
quote from Mark Twain:

“Keep away from people who try to belittle

your ambitions. Small people always do that,
but the really great make you feel that you,
too, can become great.”

The operative word here is BELITTLE and

SMALL PEOPLE. Following my trend of
thought, I went to the next question – why do
we feel the need to belittle anyone at all?
This style of belittling others is a quaint little
habit. You will notice it is a regular habit in
some people. Their persona is wrapped
around it. It is impossible to make a
statement or ask these people anything and it
becomes an opening for them to show their
wit rather than answer the question in a down
to earth way or give a plain unadorned
answer. Every time they open their mouth
some pearls of wisdom slip out which to me
165
seem to be just witty sarcasm couched in the
pronouncements of the-wiser-than thou.

The answer always carries 4 elements: 1) The

actual answer, 2) the hidden emphasis on the
stupidity of the question or statement, 3) the
indication that the one making the
answer/comment is from a higher realm of
existence and 4) the invisible creation of a
wall that you are never allowed to pierce. The
beauty of the whole is that sometimes the
comments and remarks come from total
strangers who are not even privy to the
exchange. In familiar gatherings, interrupting
the conversations of others with witticisms of
one own is often seen, but from strangers…? I
find this a bit too much; especially when you
are in public environment like the post office
or a railway compartment. These people, who
sometimes even go on to monopolize the
conversation until they are forced to stop.

I have known some people for half my life

time or more. They are part of the family or
professional circle and cannot be totally
ignored. Once in a while there is no avoiding
them in a social way. Yet in all these years I
have been unable to have a focused
conversation of five lines with them. They
never reply to the question directly. Even an
innocuous question like “How is your health?”
got me an answer like “Why, what is wrong
with my health?” And this is the milder side of
the coin. Quite often in the guise of a joke,
166
they come down to downright ridicule; Ha,
Ha, Ha. Why? What are they trying to prove?
Or are they protecting themselves from
exposure knowing fully well their own lack of
depth and understanding? They make it clear
that we can be part of their entourage but
never their equal.

All these write-ups that I pen, I wanted to put

them into a collection and get them published
in a book form for whatever they are worth.
So I, requested a close friend of many years in
the publishing line to see if he could find me
an appropriate publisher. For two years I was
given the royal lip service. Then one day I
asked him point-blank if he would help or not.
His answer came as advice that I should at
least first read some other established writers
and acquaint myself of how things should be
written. Thereby clearly telling me what he
thought of me. So I asked him if he had at
least read any of my write-ups. The answer
was NO. Well, I could not resist telling him off
after that. He has been sulking all along since.
So be it.

To me all this sounds very much like the

childish behavior of the immature snob who is
inherently intelligent and successful in his
field. It gets awfully bad when by some quirk
of fate they have come into money. One has
to then admit that in one’s own interest, not
to spoil relations one allows them to get away
with it. But the question is – what relations?
167
They will never allow you to come that close
anyway?

I for one have now decided enough is enough.

I tick them off and enjoy seeing them sulk. If
they can do without me so can I without
them. Life is too short to worry of the
consequences of falling into their bad books.
168

40. Shall We Ever Learn?

The capacity of the human race to ignore

everything but its own wishes is astounding.
Don’t blame me for being cynical. Everyday
the news media throws up a story or two
which makes me wonder at the stupidity of it
all. Yet it never seems to stop. It is as if the
human race is not a group but only
unconnected singletons, living in isolated
boxes with not even an invisible silk thread to
bind them. Millions of people living alone
together.

Today we have a problem of information

overload but it does not seem to penetrate
deeply enough into anyone’s consciousness to
make a change. When will we learn to apply
all this info to our lives and make them
better? Let me site an example or two to
make my point.

Let’s take the so called “POOR” to discuss.

Millions are being spent by generous
governments to alleviate poverty. But has
anyone asked the poor what they are up to?
Why can’t they see around them that they
have only brought on poverty on themselves
and a bleak future on their progeny by
multiplying even when there is no income to
support a family? For hundreds and even
thousands of years it is obvious to anyone who
169
will “SEE” that producing more children has
done nothing for them and only brought
misery to the next generation. Why has
humanity never stopped itself? It is so
obvious. Why do we continue having children
even when there is not enough to feed and
clothe in the immediate present and the near
future?

Go and talk to a beggar or an unemployed

youth and you will see that marriage is first
and foremost and always on their minds as an
end in itself. Thoughts of bettering their lives
come a lot later down the list. Is it so difficult
to see that marriage brings forth children and
with them come bills of all kinds: food,
clothing, schooling, and medical aid? When
will they ever learn that The Lord in His
Goodness has also given human kind an
intellect and it is to be used? The power of
discernment, when will it ever be used?

For argument’s sake let’s assume that higher

civilization began somewhere in 5000BC and
that’s being generous with the figures. Then
look at the stories that happen everyday
because the average individual refuses to
learn from history, contemporary or ancient;
refuses to learn from everyday happenings in
everyday lives around him, refuses to open his
mind to any input whatsoever at all. Pleasure
and wishful hoping seems to push them along.
It is like putting on a mask with only tiny pin
holes for openings for the eyes and ears.
170
Our misplaced optimism sees Life as only
getting better, accidents happen to others
and we are doing our best in the
circumstances. It is our karma and destiny
that is at fault and all failures can be traced
to somebody or something outside our
control.

This philosophy has taken such a hold that

even the intellectuals have left their thinking
hats aside and live in a world of unfathomable
make-believe. They can see only their wishes
coming true! Oh Boy!! Let me give you a small
example. Every year and in every journal,
newspaper and gathering the mention of heat
wave and heat stroke comes up. The danger
and protective methods are clearly
enunciated. Yet umpteen numbers die of heat
stroke every year. Here I am not talking of the
poor.

I am reminded of a scene. I was traveling

behind a couple with a child on a two wheeler
in 43 degree centigrade sun at around 2 in the
afternoon. The lady was fully decked to be
going into an important gathering. The young
man who I assumed to be the husband of the
lady was similarly fully dressed for partying.
They did not seem and could not have been
illiterate without some modicum of knowledge
of life and the dangers of heat stroke. They
could have not reached their income level
without the basic education which I hope most
171
of us have. Yet the child the woman was
carrying was bald headed and directly
exposed to the wind and sun. Traveling at 60
kmph creates a hot wind effect. The couples
must be feeling it surely as the woman had
covered her head and the man had a small
towel like cloth under his helmet. Yet the
child’s possible exposure was being ignored.
How much care is really going into bringing up
this child, I wondered? What kind of an adult
will this child become and what stupidities
will he continue on with?

Try explaining the need for hygiene in life.

Advice like boil your water and do not eat
from open stalls on the road has little or no
effect. The reply I most often get is that
protecting oneself too much is bad; one needs
to develop a resistance. This is both
convenient and blinkered thinking. Sickness
and medical bills are never directly related to
this attitude. We’ll spend a fortune in
hospitals but cringe at bringing home a water
purifier.

The other day I tried to advise my niece. Her

three month old baby girl would not go to
sleep. So I said perhaps shutting off the
glaring fluorescent light which was on just
above her might help and even more if we
stopped talking around her. My argument
being that the glare is hurting and moreover
can affect the newly developing eyes, also the
conversation was too high pitched to be a
172
lullaby. The suggestion was met by scorn and
scoff. Her explanation being that strong young
people are not produced by molly coddling.
To me this is escapism to avoid bothering at
all because it did not suit her at that moment.
Who really cares about the baby?

All I see is history repeating, repeating and

repeating itself in all its wondrous stupidity.
When will we learn from it and stop repeating
the same mistakes over and over again? A
little self-restraint and a little reflection; is it
too much to ask?
173

41. The Case for Taciturnity

Now that my baby is over one year old, I

receive instructions from all including my
doctor to focus on teaching my child to
articulate words and communicate in a spoken
language that we understand. I am asked to
repeat certain words and commands so that
the child learns faster and we may be able to
communicate more easily with the child.
Every time we meet a friend or relative, the
first question that is posed is “Has she started
to speak? Which words can she speak now?
Does she say mama, papa? Then their focus
switches on to the baby and they start asking
her “Where is your nose? Show me your nose?”

What in the name of heaven is the hurry? I

have never really understood the need to
bring speech so hurriedly and in such quantity
and intensity in our lives. The stress on
speech and talking is rather exaggerated
considering the exchanges I see happening
around me. I say that the time has come to
consider this factor and stress a little on
taciturnity. Let’s bring a little silence in our
lives.

As far as the child is concerned, she is already

picking up so much from her surroundings that
we are amazed at her ability to sponge in. She
is communicating perfectly and we
174
understand her. We are acting as gardeners.
We are not trying to push the plant into over-
growing itself by speeding the process.

I am prompted to pen these lines from two

glaring inconveniences that have become part
of lives. One is the honking. More often than
not there is no reason to honk that I can see
of. The red light becomes green and the guy
behind me honks; as if I am there for a group
meditation session. The taxi that the neighbor
has called arrives and the entire neighborhood
is regaled with a strident shock of horn
blasting. A car is passing though and the
thought that the driver’s path may be blocked
by seeing another vehicle far away makes
them honk; it seems as if any shadow is
trigger enough to merit a blast from the
driver.

What we need to realize is that this is one

method of speech. We are using the horn as
an extension of our communicating ability;
notwithstanding the fact that we are fully
aware of the inconvenience, irritation and
noise that we are creating around us but like
a baby’s bawling, we insist on being heard and
having our way.

The second is the mobile phone. I am just

amazed at the continuous talking I see around
us. How much can we have to say? Don’t these
people get tired of talking? It has been
conclusively proven that talking on the mobile
175
is dangerous when driving but are we able to
desist? We go into theatres to enjoy a play, a
movie or a music program but keep the
mobile phone on. Being connected has
become an addiction. Our callousness is so
great that we will not stop from disturbing
everybody else around us. I suppose we feel
that our importance is greater that the other
guy’s. Our call needs to be attended to
without fail because our importance is simply
immeasurable!

When we talk incessantly, don’t we become a

bore? Voltaire said: “The secret of being a
bore is to tell everything.”

Well I refuse to fall in line. I will not blow my

horn if I can help it. I will not speed up if it
seems dangerous to me. And I will not give
you my mobile phone number because I use it
only when I am out of the house to stay
connected with my mum. And anyway when I
am out of my workplace, I am either driving
or busy in something else so I would not be
interested in talking and be distracted and
disturbed. I also follow the rule that visitors
will have to shut off the phone at my place as

I am not interested in seeing them doing their

business while I sit there like a fool watching
them; on call to them when they are free to
do so!
176

42. TOMORROW NEVER COMES

There was a song in the movie Yellow Rolls

Royce, which affected me deeply. It says,
“Let’s forget about domani, for domani never
comes.” It should be made the theme song for
procrastinators. Specially for people who
leave everything for the last moment if not
later. Our life-style and work culture till now
has been of the laid-back style and we have
quite got into the habit of taking things easy,
knowing fully well that we will be able to find
some way of passing the buck.

Putting things off for later is an ostrich

complex kind of behavior, which is really a
sign of immaturity.
It also shows lack of dedication or over-
confidence in one’s ability to manage one’s
time or worse it is a show put on for the
undeserving to give an aura of time
unavailability due to prior engagements. This
attitude career-wise is self-inflicted damage.

Do you really believe if you delay the

execution of the matter, it will go away?
Well, for argument’s sake, I will accept that
certain situations do correct themselves if not
interfered with but paper-deadlines don’t fall
in this category. Do you really believe you can
squeeze in more minutes in the day than the
next person? If you can, of course you really
177
know how to manage your time and are very
aware of the time to be allotted to each
activity and you really also know how to
execute every job precisely and with focus.
To you I would say this note is not for you. To
the snobs who think that they can impress
others by a show of being busy, I have only a
word of caution; you are fooling nobody and
eventually even those who are impressed at
first, will know that you are bluffing and all
your credits will go down the drain.

The following resources will help you make

the most of your time and bring you success in
the work place:
A) Assertiveness: This means getting your
thoughts across accurately and properly.
The actions are always preceded by
forethought and research. But all this is to
be packaged without aggressiveness.
B) Communication: The ability to
communicate well is of the utmost
importance. This means not knowing only
what to say, but also knowing how to and
when to say it. Very few people take the
trouble of improving their language and
delivery skills. You ignore this fact to your
peril.
C) Time watching: Time allocation takes on a
totally new meaning when you wish to
stop the habit of procrastination. You
have to steel yourself against letting
yourself waste time or not keep
appointments. When you make a list of
178
D) the “TO DOs”, you have to work hard at
finishing them. Personal feelings and
emotional slidings have to be curtailed at
all costs.

If procrastination has become a habit, it has

to be seen in this light and treated as a bad
habit. Are you game?
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43. What’s bothering you?

Did it ever occur to you that this innocuous

seeming question could be the rudder of your
life? I wonder if anyone even gives this
question a second thought. By the time we
get out into the world, certain parameters are
already laid out for us. Our motivations and
prejudices sealed. We are never going to
become aware of the subconscious patterns
that will rule us for the rest of our living days.
Our personas are formed and a certain path
and goals already etched. After that it is only
the minor detours that bother us and we put
all our efforts into removing them and
keeping the ball rolling. Botherations if any
are taken with a pinch of salt and frankly
most are of minor importance. Once the ship
is sailing and the port of call decided, there is
little to make us change our perspective.

For example this lady I know has only one

focus: that she is seen in a good light. Every
iota of her being and every grain of her life
are colored by it. Towards this end she puts in
all her energies and intelligence and very
intelligent she is. She is forever creating
dramatic effects and she can lie and change
her words like a chameleon. She works very
hard to gain appreciation and create just the
impression she wants. Her whole life is a
calculated and a deeply superficial affair. She
180
is fairly enamored of herself and there is only
one kind of interaction that she can tolerate
which is of an appreciative tone and living by
her advice which really boils down to letting
her run your life. She is never at fault and will
argue till the last word is said to shut up
others to prove that she could not have been
in error. She is truly very intelligent and never
misses even the tiniest of flaws in others;
nothing can make her stop at pointing them
out too. That she is bothered by only the fact
that she be seen in a good light is the
question bothering her is crystal clear. In the
same light, do we really know what is
bothering us from deep down?

After seeing the way people launch

themselves into the throes of life, I have
noticed often that most people rather avoid
asking themselves such questions as “What is
bothering me? What am I up to? Why?” I
suppose asking a question of this import also
then would require pursuing of the answer;
this could be too much trouble! There is also
the burden of the ego which presupposes a
fully formed and perfectly begotten persona.
So we bumble along with the sight of a one-
eyed. Supremely happy with the packaging
and not at all bothered with the person inside
it.

It is only in times of crisis that a wave of

introspection and clarity of the long term
181
vision swamps us; but only for a short hiatus.
Otherwise we let life take us where it will,
erroneously proud of being the architect of
our lives; we cringe and crib but we are not
looking for solutions. Most solutions that we
dream up are cosmetic and we are quite
satisfied at making the required impression
than achieving any goal imposed by us on our
own selves as a soul-based need. Life has
become a paradox. Answers are floating
around but no one has questions.

Let us stop for a while, like we may be forced

to do in a hospital bed when there are no
options left and we realize that we have just
cheated death and worse that the world
managed quite well in our absence. Let us ask
for once what is bothering us? We all want
money, fame, acceptance, contentment and
praise without exception. What have we done
to receive this bundle of wealth from the
universe?

The thoughts that assail us and keep us

occupied are based on what we think as
important. Ask anyone one what is the most
important to him and what drives him in this
life. Nobody is going to tell you the truth even
if they knew the answer. Our entire
personality, learning, listening and changes
that we make in our lives is trying to arrive at
a predetermined point. Our whole little world
is generally involved so we can safely say that
it is a rare human who is totally free and
182
pursuing a clear-cut objective that is soul
satisfying. A little self-analysis is needed and
that is what I am not sure we really wish to do
as it would surely reveal some of the
unpleasant truths about ourselves.

There is no point in fighting the education and

upbringing we have received. That is a fait
accompli. The question is what next and is it
bothering us? For example, today it is
accepted that English is the international link
language and mastery of it brings a greater
measure of success. A whole economy is
revolving around this need to learn and teach;
yet the number of people with a mastery of
this language is difficult to find. At heart most
people know that there is a need to improve
on their skills but there is always something
keeping them back. Why, simply because it is
not bothering them. They are managing to
keep their heads out of the water and are
relatively doing better than they had
expected. There is a lot of pride in what has
been achieved with the acquisitions they
already have so they really don’t see what
else there is to worry about. Surely things can
wait another day!

Of immediate concern is: what the neighbor

will think; how to impress the boss and what
the wife will demand. Where is the time in
this maze of self-important busy schedule to
worry about anything else?
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Later on when life will have moved on and the
world it self will have changed enough to
require additional and newer skills they will
realize their limitations. But for now the
question is not bothering them so all the
teachers, schools, opportunities to learn are
given the ROYAL thumbs down.
I go to training institutes as a trainer where
people are taking lessons for careers that
require a high degree of excellence in many
fields like marketing, air hostessing,
hoteliering and others. There my focus is
always to help the students become aware of
there own questions along with whatever they
are learning. In thirty years I have realized
that most of the people are there for only one
reason; they have learnt about the salaries in
the line of work they have chosen and this is
the only incentive firmly fixed in their minds
and surrealistically a simplistic view that the
Diploma will get them the job. They have
seen others living the good life and the
salaries they are earning but not the effort
put in to reach there. Nothing else bothers
them. Most of them are bothered by one
question alone: Are they making a good
impression and are they going to get what
they want? Good advertising has taught them
that clothes, cosmetics and gadgets will give
them the outer personality they are dreaming
of; this is where it all stops. The responsibility
of preparing them for the job of their dreams
is, of course, of the Institution that they have
decided to grace and where they have parted
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with their funds. Nothing is their
responsibility.

It is really becoming quite a farce the way

answers in the form of sermons, lectures and
real good valuable advice is being bandied,
pouted, blogged and published about with
abandon. I sincerely hope they do some good
as I fail to see any questions to begin with
bothering anyone around me. Any questions
that I do see are strictly at the intellectual
mental level, good for arguments but not
incorporated into one’s life to institute
change in oneself. At best these become
authoritative quotes to be used to point faults
out in others.

For this farce, how many reams/tons of paper

is being used up, how many forests flattened,
how much CO2 produced to generate
electricity to power the electrical world
which is storing and speeding the exchanges
which lead to nowhere? How many pieces are
being read and acted upon? Answers have
been around as far as the human eye can see.
Every civilization and age has produced gems
of collected answers that provide pointed
answers. Many of the gems have even become
established religions. I would say that most of
the questions that a human can ask have all
been answered many times over. A man with
questions would have certainly discovered
Confucius, Socrates, Plato, Marcus Aurelius,
Vedas, Buddha’s teachings and so many more.
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Yet instead of conjuring up questions it has
made the human thought process more
dogmatic and closed shut to questioning. Has
the act of giving answers when there are no
questions preceding them ever helped? When
there isn’t a “live” question insisting an
answer, the answers are plain dead words.
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44. The Whole World Does Not Matter

There is always a small period in our lives

when we become “Important”. This is the
time when we get into the self-important
mode. We are in our eyes not only in control
but, often, as we perceive the cause and
effects around us, we are certain, even if the
world may not wholly agree with us, of being
the source of the happenings. In a microcosm,
we are not part of the Creation, but see
ourselves as part of the creator effect.

This is the time when our vanities are

ballooning. We are still young as far as a life-
span goes. At the age of youth in the
twenties, it is easy to see ourselves as giants
with infinite capacities for getting things
done. We can take it all on. The body is
strong, the mind is full of certitudes and
nobody is immune to our charms. Then we
decide what has to be done, and soon we get
it done. We are almost mystified by our own
image, although at the back of our minds a
small question mark haunts us; why does not
the world see us in our true light? It is galling.
Here we are, ready and willing, with all the
knowledge and strength to put everything in
the right order, if only people would listen!

Then, there are those who are luckier than

others. Who are born with a silver spoon, well
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in this category we can include even those
with a brass spoon with silver plating. They
come into a world, which is already
structured, and whatever they see or touch is
theirs. Even when they stretch their five
senses to their limits, they can only see
themselves at the center of things and of
course, in full control. They can manipulate
everyone and every instance. They continue
to grow into this environment and gradually
realize their potential for creation or mischief
as their nature leads them.

Soon, they are alienating themselves from

everything. But they do not know it yet.
Whenever they come across a person or
situation they do not like, they simply cut it
out. They can well afford to.
To the whole world they come across as self-
centered, arrogant, and closed personalities
but they could not care. Even the world has to
grudgingly acknowledge that they are good
and able and if circumstances so need, a bit
of groveling up to them is ok.

This, as we all know is a straight path to

perdition. The truth is we are only a small cog
in a big wheel in a very huge machinery. Try
to imagine the immensity of it all. For once,
just for an experiment, go out in to the night,
alone, and watch the firefly. There may be
hundreds, but focus on one. Then think, how
many nights have come before and how many
will come later. How long does a fly last even
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in this one night? How long do you have to
sparkle?

Come out of your cocoon. Listen to the world

around without having to comment or direct
anything. Let the world run itself for a
moment. There will be withdrawal symptoms
but tolerate them just for a while and then
you will know peace and really see! The world
that did not matter until now, will suddenly
start to matter!!
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45. Fear of rejection

The way I would approach this subject is by

analyzing the two words first. Why are we
afraid at all? It is the opposite of courage. So
you have had the gumption to attempt
something; this is very fine; rather you should
be proud to have stepped outside the comfort
zone. And if you are afraid, then it means that
a wish is attached to the action. Is that true?

Life comes in two hues; Black and white and

hundreds of shades in between and then there
all the colors and millions of combinations and
shades of these colors. Did you really expect
that life would be one roller coaster ride
where all you have to do is wish and your fairy
Godmother would make it come true? This is
awfully unrealistic and terribly childish.

Let us examine this subject from a realistic

point of view with some not so hypothetical
instances to illustrate the point. A highly
learned teacher with a lot of experience goes
to a school for a job for which he is more than
qualified. But the job goes to a younger lady.
The poor man can take this as a rejection and
also as a confirmation of the moving ahead of
the wheel of life. In the game of life and the
truth behind this incident, there is the fact
that the school is a business. The
administration wants younger people to work
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hard and daylong. Then as children are
involved, there is this notion that ladies are
kinder and softer in their approaches; which
may or not be true but it is real fact that we
have to live with. Then as the teacher needed
is for classes well below the qualifications
offered by the learned teacher, he is not really
required. So the great expert is not given the
job. Does this qualify as rejection? No, not at
all. It is just the quirks of life at play. There
are more than a couple of factors at play in
life. The more qualified teacher should not
take this personally and not bring his vanity
into play. Rather, he should take this as an
eye-opener and look for greener pastures and I
would add improve himself for a greater
destiny.

Lately a little downturn in the economy has

prompted many companies to downsize with
many people suddenly finding them selves
back to square one. They can’t take this
personally. It is definitely depressing and the
future with all the commitments at stake is in
jeopardy; at least as was visualized. But then
life does not move in a straight line. The fear
if any is surely from the fact that certain
financial commitments had been put into place
and now the lack of an income would
destabilize the entire thing.

In all simplicity I presume to ask, did you plan

for not having a job? Let us say you bought a
car on loan which you had planned to pay for
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as you went along and now this retrenchment
falls like a block of bricks on your head. The
fear is that either you will have to return the
car and lose all the money already paid for or
pay for it from your reserves if any. The
running of the car is also an expensive
proposition. Also here is the image problem.
What will everyone think? Now let us speak in
realistic terms: Your plans for your life were
unrealistic. You were spending money which
you had not. You were aiming for things that
were not yours as yet by right. And the fear of
being ridiculed is purely vanity at work.

There is additionally a positive side to fear. If

we are not comfortable with things as they
are, we strive to change. We make efforts to
upgrade our abilities and think creatively and
explore many other possibilities which we
would have not done otherwise. This results in
an educative process which benefits us greatly
and will stand by us more than anything else in
the world in times of crisis.

In relationships “Fear” takes a slightly

different coloring although the shapes being
colored are the same. Our vanity asks us to
modulate our behavior and we then present
ourselves to the liking of others and their
appreciation. In our zeal to impress we present
a very false persona. We are being untrue; to
ourselves and to the other. Sooner or later,
the other person will see thru the
machinations. And if the other is a wizened,
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experienced person, he will see it
immediately. This is manipulation which can
never have a good ending; we bluff, huff and
puff and blow our own house down. If we get
hurt in the process, we alone are totally to
blame. In relationships, if we were truer,
honest and candid, we would not pose nor
compromise our feelings at every step. We
would have the courage to say NO when we
want to and only YES when we really mean it.
We would also pay attention and listen to the
other, especially when the other is trying to
say NO.

In the final analysis there is nothing to fear but

to strive is. You are you and you should take
yourself positively but with a pinch of salt. The
anxieties and pain come from the ‘wants” we
impose on ourselves with finicky attitudes so
all we need to do is de-complicate our lives.