DANCING W/BEARS, PT.

3/3: THE DATE OF EXPIRATION

By,
Ben Ami Shalant
Jeannes Copy.
For Performance in Halloweens @ NO SHAME Theater, 2014

1169 Leff St. San Luis Obispo, CA 93401

Http://www.shaveyerbrain.com(805)448-4447
BenShalant@shaveyourbrain.com

FADE IN:
2.
BOARK and ANGRY SUE are having at it in the parking lot.
BOARK
Im just going to say it as fast as
possible. I finally got the vasectomy.
Because, you said youd sooner believe in
unicorns than become pregnant. Thats what
BATTY said you said. And then, you said
you wont bring puppies into this World
ifs you could help it.
BOARK [CONTD]
Even after the vasectomy, they wouldnt
let me leave until Id come three times. I
ran out of sexual motivation, despite our
going that many times, at least in total.
I fantasized you, Angry Sue, there with
me. And, I imagined you were pregnant with
puppies, you birthed a litter of puppies,
you being a mom to puppies.
ANGRY SUE
I told BATTY, what?
BOARK
You and puppies, minus unicorns.
ANGRY SUE
Dont talk to me about unicorns.
ACTION: She holds her pointer finger to her temple.
ANGRY SUE [CONTD]
Youre putting the cart before the horse.
BOARK
Wait, I know! It doesnt seem right. I got
a vasectomy for you, ANGRY SUE.

ANGRY SUE
(interrupts)
You dont get a vasectomy for someone
else.
BOARK
Are you shitting me?
ANGRY SUE
Yes. I hate fertility.
BATTY
2. EXTERIOR. REGINAS COCINA - DAY.
BOARK and BATTY standing, BATTY hands BOARK an APRON that
reads The New Cider House Rules. BATTY hangs one on
himself that has a skeleton on it.
BOARK
Well, Im single.
BATTY
Thats what she said.
BATTY
(strutting in his apron)
Quick, put her in your museum of memories.
BATTY pulls out a 40 oz. BOTTLE of dark-colored liquid.
Its label says: MAN JUICE.
And, here. Try this. Its fig juice. I
made it with my Vegematic.
ACTION: BOARK SWALLOWS
BOARK
Wow, BATTY, were going to be rich! This
is better than your idea for Vitamin B12,
made out of meat. Plus Meat-12 would
never fly with a vegetarian like Angry
Sue.

BATTY
Its slogan will be: He shoots! He scores!

Youre like Ron Popeil. It slices, it

dices.
ACTION: BOARK takes another, bigger SWALLOW.
BOARK
I dub this fig concoction, Man-Juice.
BATTY
I was thinking about Sloppy Seconds. By
the by, I just saw your ex-girlfriend go
into the clinic.
BOARK
Shes always there, (seemingly) just to
hang out. I dont know if ANGRY SUE visits
Planned Parenthood because shes a bornagain virgin, or a wannabe Saint.
BATTY
(interrupting)
No! The where-guys-masturbate clinic. The
fertility clinic, and I just saw Angry
enter in there.
BOARK
You probably saw her walking on the way
coming from here.
BATTY
She was on her way walking from here. You
need to sort that codswallop out, yo. Get
er done, Holmes!
3. EXT. OUTSIDE THE FERTILITY CLINIC.
BOARK
What were you doing, ANGRY SUE, coming out
the fertility clinic?
4

ANGRY SUE
I have a friend who works there.
BOARK
I bet you do.
ANGRY SUE
Shes like Jeanne Simmons in Guys n
Dolls.
BOARK AND ANGRY SUE, TOGETHER:
BOARK
Gene Simmons?
ANGRY SUE
(points at sign)
Its also the in-fertility clinic! Its
not semen for getting pregnant. It has an
antidepressant effect.
BOARK
Thats supposed to make me feel better? I
am on antidepressants, and you are
harboring someone elses sperm, arent
you?
ACTION: ANGRY SUE DISPLAYS, briefly, a WHITE BOTTLE.
ANGRY SUE
In my purse! Im depressing, trying to
restart my female cycle after the Depo
Provera.
BOARK
I dont care. And, I am mighty turned on,
right now.
ANGRY SUE
Im not going to get pregnant. Its from
some infertile guy.

BOARK
Listen, ANGRY SUE, really? I dont care.
Really, I dont. But, I can flush semen,
like a Rockstar! I have this magical
device thats like a power-washer!
ANGRY SUE
You need to do something with your life.
You need to get a job, go back to school,
something.
BOARK
Id be a psychology major.
ANGRY SUE
You should major in Balls!
BOARK
I would study the psychology of women who
go on the rebound after breaking up with
their boyfriend, and then decide to date a
fertility clinic.
ANGRY SUE
Youre, like, a lifelong student of
shooting the shit.
BOARK
Yes, shooting! Fluvial hydrobiomorphology. Moreover, if I could sell
my bodily fluids, I could totally afford
to be a full-time student. Everybody
could, so long as demand keeps increasing
with an aging population. But, Im not
getting any younger, and Id rather share
my remaining fluids with you.
ANGRY SUE
You should get a Ph.D. in swagger!

FADE OUT: THE END

6