THE SETTING SUN

Osamu Dazai
(trans. Donald Keene)
[INSIDE FRONT COVER]

Set in the early postwar years, this powerful novel of a nation in social and moral crisis probes th
effects of war, and the transition from a feudal Japan to an industrial society. Though Osamu Da
suicide in 1948, the influence of this. book, often considered his masterpiece, has made the term
the setting sun" (i.e., the declining aristocracy) a permanent part of the Japanese language. And
heroine, Kazuko, the strongwilled young aristocrat who deliberately abandons her class, stands
the anomie which pervades so much of the modern world.

Dazai's writing is in some ways reminiscent of Rimbaud, while he himself has often been called
of Yukio Mishima. Donald Keene, the distinguished translator, has said of the author's work: "His
suggests Chekhov or possibly postwar France . . . but there is a Japanese sensibility in the choic
presentation of the material. A Dazai novel is at once immediately intelligible in Western terms a
unlike any Western book."

Of this novel, Keene writes: " 'Victims of a transitional period in morality' is how Kazuko styles he
lover, and we feel that she is right. A modus vivendi with Western things has nearly been achiev
full effect of Western ideas has yet to be felt. The Setting Sun derives much of its power from its
the ways in which the new ideas have destroyed the Japanese aristocracy. The novel created an
sensation when it first appeared . . . . It is generally conceded that Dazai is one of the great chro
contemporary Japanese life, and this major achievement was reached despite the shortness of h
career . . . . But The Setting Sun is not to be considered [merely] a sociological document of help
wish to learn more about an obscure or distant country. It is a powerful and beautiful novel by on
brilliant of recent Japanese writers and stands as such in the world of literature."
~-~-~-~

PublishedbytheCharlesE.TuttleCompany,Inc.ofRutland,VermontandTokyo,Japan,witheditorialofficesatSuido1chome,26,Bunkyo
specialarrangementwithNewDirectionsPublishingCorporation,NewYork.
Copyright1956byNewDirectionsPublishingCorporation
Allrightsreserved.

Exceptforbriefpassagesquotedinanewspaper,magazine,radio,ortelevisionreview,nopartofthisbookmaybereproducedinanyformorby
electronicormechanical,includingphotocopyingandrecording,orbyanyinformationstorageandretrievalsystem,withoutpermissioninwriti
Publisher.
FirstTuttleedition,1981
Thirdprinting,1987
ISBN480530474X
PrintedinJapan

CONTENTS
1.Snake
2.Fire
3.Moonflowers
4.Letters
5.TheLady
6.OutbreakofHostilities
7.TheTestament
8.Victims

NoteonPronunciationofNames

JapaneseintranscriptionispronouncedwiththeconsonantsasinEnglishandthevowelsasinItalian.Thus,thenam
pronouncednahohjee.Thereisnomarkedstressaccent,andoneissafeingivingequalweighttoallsyllables.
Inthisnovelmostofthecharacters(suchasNaoji,Kazuko,andOsaki)arereferredtobytheirpersonalnamesonly.
personalandfamilynamesaregiven,thefamilynamecomesfirst.Thus,inthenameUeharaJiro,Ueharaisthefamilyn
personalname.
Translator'sIntroduction

TheforeignvisitortoJapantodayisapttobeatoncedelightedanddismayedbywhatheobserves.Thedelightwillp
fromwhatisoldinthecountrythetemplessetintheircleansweptgroundsandgardens,thebrilliantspectacleofthe
cordialityandcharmofone'sreceptioninanyJapanesehome.MosttravelersindeedaresocaptivatedbythisaspectofJ
becomeexcessivelycriticalofwhatthepastsixtyorseventyyearshavebroughtfromtheWest.Theybewailthefacttha
womenhavegivenuptheirbeautifulkimonosinfavorofmassproduceddresses,thattheJapanesehouseisalltoofrequ
"foreignstyle"roomwithlumpishfurnitureobscurelyderivedfromEuropeanprototypes,andthatthestreetsarefilledw
clangingtramsandsquawkingloudspeakers.Thosewhocomplaininthesetermsarequitejustifiedintheiraestheticind
althoughnotinthearrogantimpatiencewithwhichitistoooftenaccompanied.
Japantoday,aloneofthenationsofAsia,iscloselyconnectedtotheWest,notonlyinitsindustrialandpoliticaldev
itsactiveculturallife.ThebookshopsarefullofEuropean(especiallyFrench)worksofliteratureintranslation,includin
mostdifficultones.TherearenumerouscoffeeshopswherestudentsgathertolistentorecordsofBeethovenandBrahm
DebussyandStravinsky.EventhebankssendoutcalendarsalloverthecountrywithexcellentreproductionsofRenoir,
Matisse.ItmaybedebatedhowdeeplythisinterestinmodernWesternliteratureandartpenetrates,whetherthefarmeri
anybetterunderstandingofGoetheorManetthanhisgrandfatherdid.ThefactremainsthatalmosteverywhereinJapan
broughtwithitaprofoundrespectforWesternculture,andsometimesagenuinelove.
ThisfeelinghasoftenbeenindiscriminateandledtoadefacementoftheJapaneselandscapewhichwemayfindall
butithasnotbeenonlyadulationfortheWestwhichhasledtomanyofthechangessodeploredbytheforeignvisitor.T
womanwhoabandonsthetraditionalkimonoinfavorofadressisnotmerelyimitatingsomeHollywoodstar;sheislibe
fromthenuisanceoftheelaborateseriesofrobesandunderrobes,unbearablyhotinsummerandimpracticalatanytime
officesandbussesshemustcopewithtoday.Evenifshewouldlikenothingbetterthantowearakimonoeveryday,the
expensivesilksmakesthetraditionalcostumealuxurywhichfewcanaffordunlesstheyhaveinheritedthem.

ThefaceofJapanischangingeverydayastaste,convenience,andeconomicnecessitydictate.Underneaththesurfac
undeniablyslowerpace,themoralandspirituallifeofthecountryisundergoingsimilarchange.Thefamilysystemisbr
especiallyinthelargercities,andthetraditionalvaluesassociatedwiththefamilyarelosingground.Divorce,forexamp
accepted(atleastinTokyo)asthealternativeawomanhastoanodiousmarriage,althoughuntilveryrecentlyshewase
theflagrantinfidelityofherhusbandandanyotherindignityhemightchoosetoinflictonherintheinterestofpreservin
willtakeyearsforsuchnewideastospreadthroughoutthecountry,buteventodayfewoftheyoungerpeoplesharethei
thetraditionalviews.
Asfarasreligiongoes,onewouldhavetolookveryhardtofindinJapanevenasmuchfervorasexistsinthiscount
AlthoughmostJapanesearenominallyBuddhistsandareburied,forform'ssake,inaccordancewithBuddhistritual,rea
religioniscomparativelyunusual.If,forexample,thePrimeMinisterofJapanweretoadoptthepracticeofimportantpo
theUnitedStatesandEngland(andelsewhere,ofcourse)ofinvokingtheblessingsoftheDeityanydeityontheh
Japanesepeople,hewouldbegreetedwithastonishmentandpossiblyderision.ItmayseemstrangethatJapan,whichha
muchfromtheWest,hasnevertakenmoretoChristianity.TherehasinfactbeenadeclineofinterestinChristianitysin
theturnofthecenturywhenmanyoftheintellectualleadersweredevoutbelieversina"churchless"Protestantism.This
Christianityhasnotprovedsatisfyingtomostoftheirdescendantswho,eveniftheyremembertheBiblelessonsoftheir
inthemnoadequatesolutiontotheirpresentproblems.
ThepeoplewhoselivesaredescribedinTheSettingSunareinmanywaysexceptional,buttheyarealsotypicalofm
Kazuko,thegirlwhorelatesthestory,seemsmoreaccustomedtowearingWesternclothesthankimonos,isremindedas
ChekhovorBalzacasofTheTaleofGenji,and,ifnotfluentinanyWesternlanguage,usesavarietyofFrenchandEng
certaintythatshewillbeunderstoodbyeveryone.Atthesametime,sheremainsunmistakablyJapaneseinherrelations
aroundherandinherquickemotionalresponsestothemomentsofintensityinherlife.Becausefamilyconfidencesare
(exceptontherareoccasionswhentherepressionsofJapaneselifeareovercomebytheforceofintolerableemotions),K
mother,andherbrotherlivealmostwithoutovertcommunicationwithoneanother.Theauthor,DazaiOsamu,mustther
varioustypesofflashbacktechniques(includingadiary,letters,andawill)tocreateforusthreedimensionalfigures.An
succeededinlendingextraordinaryvividnesstohischaracters,thereismuchnecessarilyleftunsaidinthisJapanesewor
SunowesmuchtoEuropeanculture,butitisasJapaneseanovelascanbewrittentoday,inthisperiodwhenthesurface
manifestationsofJapaneselifearebeingWesternizedatverydifferentspeedsandwhen(toaWesternreader)theJapane
whichreflectsthesechangesissurprising,alternately,foritsclosenessandremotenesstoourownlives.
"Victimsofatransitionalperiodinmorality"ishowKazukostylesherselfandherlover,andwefeelthatsheisright
vivendiwithWesternthingshasnearlybeenachieved,butthefulleffectofWesternideashasyettobefelt.TheSettingS
ofitspowerfromitsportrayalofthewaysinwhichthenewideashavedestroyedtheJapanesearistocracy.Thenovelcr
immediatesensationwhenitfirstappearedin1947.Thephrase"peopleofthesettingsun,"whichcametobeapplied,as
novel,tothewholeofthedecliningaristocracy,hasnowpassedintocommonusageandevenintodictionaries.Kazuko,
herbrotherNaojiaretypicalnotonlyofthearistocracybutofthelargeclassofJapanesewhowereimpoverishedbythe
succeedinginflationandlandreforms.
Inreadingthenovelonecannotescapethefeelingthattheauthor,DazaiOsamu,himselfwaspersonallyinvolved
onlythestorytellerbutaparticipant.Anexaminationofhisbiographytendstoconfirmthisimpression.Dazaiwasborn
andpowerfulfamilyofthenorthofJapan.Hewasbrilliantinhisstudiesatschoolandearlyshowedpromiseofhislitera
assignsoftheerratichabitswhichweresubsequentlytodarkenhiscareer.Beforehewastwenty,hetwiceattemptedsui
enteredtheDepartmentofFrenchLiteratureatTokyoUniversity.DazaiknewnoFrenchwhenheelectedthiscourse(an
throughcompleteneglectofhisstudies,neverlearnedmorethanafewwords),butatthetimeFrenchliteraturewasthec
manyyoungJapanese.ThiswaspartiallybecausetheyfoundFrenchSymbolismorSurrealismmorecongenialthanthe
factEnglishliterature,andfarmoresothanthephilologicalproblemsoftheclassicalJapaneseliterature,andpartiallybe
universalcredencegiveninJapantolegendssurroundingthemagicalviedeBohmeofParis.
DazaiwithdrewfromtheUniversityin1935withoutobtainingadegree.Thiswasnotsurprisingwhenoneconsiders
ofnothavingattendedasinglelectureinfiveyears.Instead,hespenthistimeinliteraryandLeftWingpoliticalactivity
beguntoattractattentionwhenin1935heagainattemptedsuicide,leavinginanenvelopeacollectionoffourteenofhis

title,DecliningYears,whichwasintendedforposthumouspublication.Dazaihad,inthemeantime,becomeaddictedto
wasforcedtospendalmosttwoyearsinandoutofhospitalsbeforehecouldbecured.In1936therewasanothersuicide
withthewomanwithwhomhehadbeenlivingfortheprevioussixyears.Hewasmarriedinthefollowingyeartoanoth
stillsurviveshimtoday.
Dazai'slifeofwilddissipationgavehimmuchnotorietyandcausedevensomeunpopularity.Thiswasespeciallytru
austereyearswhichprecededthewarwiththeUnitedStates.Hewasexemptedfrommilitaryservicebecauseofachron
Duringthewarhecontinuedtopublish,althoughhewasforcedbythebombingstomovefromonepartofthecountryto
Hismostimportantliteraryactivitycameaftertheendofthewar.Earlyin1947hepublishedhisbrilliantshortstory
(whichhasbeenincludedinNewDirections15)and,laterinthesameyear,TheSettingSun,thepresentvolume.Hissec
Disqualified,appearedin1948andwasacclaimedbysomecriticsasbeingevensuperiortoTheSettingSun.Healsobeg
publicationofanothernovelwiththeEnglishtitleofGoodbye.Thecumulativeeffectsofdissipation,overwork,andins
anappearanceofsuchutterexhaustionastoalarmhisfriends.Thetuberculosisfromwhichhehadsufferedbeforethew
claimedtohavecuredbydrinkingagainmanifesteditself.Thesymptomswereunmistakable.InJuneof1948hefinally
committingsuicide,bythrowinghimselfintotheswollenwatersoftheTamagawaReservoirinTokyo.Ironicallyenoug
discoveredonhisthirtyninthbirthday,thenineteenthofJune.
ThecloseconnectionbetweenDazai'slifeandalmostany,ofhisworksisimmediatelyapparent,althoughasanartis
notconfinehimselftoamererecountingofautobiographicaldetails.TheSettingSunisactuallyoneofhismoreobjectiv
wemayfindmuchinNaoji,inthenovelistUehara,hismentor,andeveninthegirl,Kazuko,whonarratesmostofthest
derivesfromDazai'sownpersonalityandexperiences.Dazai,himselfamemberofaneararistocraticfamily,chosetod
ofhisownclass.AgainandagainwefindourselveswonderingtowhatdegreeDazaisharedtheemotionsofhischaracte
expressesthepainithascosthimtostayalive,weseemtohearthevoiceoftheauthorwhoconsideredsuicidesooften.
givesTheSettingSunastrengththatmostofDazai'sotherwritings,howeverbrilliant,generallylackisthecharacterofK
determinedtostruggleratherthantodie.Dazaihimself,afterhisbriefandnotveryanimatedparticipationintheLeftW
seemedtolosealldesiretostruggle,andhiswritingsarealmostinvariablytingedwithcynicaldespair.
Dazai'sindebtednesstoEuropeanliteratureisobvious,butheisinfactmorecloselylinkedwiththegreatclassicsof
literature,withwhichhewasintimatelyfamiliar.HisstyleoffersnoparticularproblemsfortheWesternreader,butheu
devicewhich,althoughnotunknownintheWest,isperhapsunusual.Hesometimesgivesthelastorclimacticremarkin
firstandthengoesbacktorelatethestepsleadinguptoit.Aneffectivedeviceinhishands,itispartofhisfondnessfor
AnotherfeatureofDazai'sstylewhichthereaderwillnoteishowheusesthedescriptionofminorhappenings(suchas,
snakeeggsortheswellinginthemother'shand)tosuggestmuchlargersituations.Inthistechniquehebetrayshisdebtt
particularlytheminiature,seventeensyllablehaiku,inwhicheachwordmustbeavitalpartofthewhole,andwherethe
authoristomakethereadersupplyfromthesescantdropstheworldfromwhichthepoemhasbeendistilled.
ItisgenerallyconcededthatDazaiisoneofthegreatchroniclersofcontemporaryJapaneselife,andthismajorachie
reacheddespitetheshortnessofhislifeandcareer.Hecreatesforuswithamazingevocativenessagreatvarietyofplace
fashionedmansioninthecity,acountryhouse,aTokyohovel,acheapbarandfillsthemwiththepeopleandtheatm
belongtothem.Iam,inaway,temptedtourgetheWesternreadertoturntoDazaiforanexactpictureofwhatlifeislik
althoughcertainlythereareotherpicturesofJapanwhichcanandhavebeenpaintedofthissameperiod.Despitethespe
thesubjectmatterandthedeviantbehaviorofsomeofitscharacters,TheSettingSun,bythedepthofitsunderstandingo
today,evokesandrevealsaspectsoftheJapanesenationasawhole.Thisiswhythenovelwassosuccessfulandsomov
allclasses.ButTheSettingSunisnottobeconsideredasasociologicaldocumentofhelptothosewhowishtolearnmo
obscureordistantcountry.ItisapowerfulandbeautifulnovelbyoneofthemostbrilliantofrecentJapanesewritersand
theworldofliterature.

Cambr

ThistranslationisdedicatedtoKawabataYasunari,thedistinguishednovelistandPresidentoftheJapaneseP.E.N.Club

muchtopromotetheunderstandingofJapaneseliteratureabroad.

CHAPTERONE/SNAKE

Motherutteredafaintcry.Shewaseatingsoupinthediningroom.
Ithoughtperhapssomethingdisagreeablehadgotintothesoup."Ahair?"Iasked.
"No."Motherpouredanotherspoonfulofsoupintohermouthasifnothinghadhappened.Thisaccomplished,shetu
oneside,directedhergazeatthecherrytreeinfullbloomoutsidethekitchenwindowand,herheadstillaverted,fluttere
spoonfulofsoupbetweenherlips.Mothereatsinawaysounlikethemannerprescribedinwomen'smagazinesthatitis
speechinhercasetousetheword"flutter."
Naoji,myyoungerbrother,oncesaidtomewhenhehadbeendrinking,"Justbecauseapersonhasatitledoesn'tma
aristocrat.Somepeoplearegreataristocratswhohavenoothertitlethantheonethatnaturehasbestowedonthem,ando
havenothingbuttitles,areclosertobeingpariahsthanaristocrats.Iwashima,forexample(mentioningoneofhisschool
doesn'thestrikeyouasbeingmorevulgarthananypimpyoumightmeetinthestreets?Thatdamnedfoolworeatuxedo
wedding.Evensupposingtherewassomenecessityforhimtoappearinthatoutfit,itmademewanttopukejusttohear
languagetheidiotsawfittousewhenmakingatablespeech.Thatkindofaffectationisacheapfrontwhichhasnothing
withrefinement.JustthewaythereusedtobesignsaroundtheUniversitysaying'HighClassLodgings,'mostofwhatp
aristocracymightactuallybetterbecalled'HighClassBeggars.'Therealaristocratsdon'tputonsillyairslikethatIwash
onlyoneinourfamily.She'sthegenuinearticle.There'ssomethingabouthernoneofuscanmatch."
Takethematterofeatingsoup.Wearetrainedtoleanslightlyovertheplate,totakeupalittlesoupwiththespoonh
thentobringittoourmouth,stillholdingthespoonsideways.Mother,ontheotherhand,lightlyreststhefingersofher
edgeofthetableandsitsperfectlyerect,withherheadheldhighandscarcelysomuchasaglanceattheplate.Shedarts
thesoupandlikeaswallowsogracefullyandcleanlyonecanreallyusethesimilebringsthespoontohermoutha
andpoursthesoupbetweenherlipsfromthepoint.Then,withinnocentglancesaroundher,shefluttersthespoonexactl
wing,neverspillingadropofsoupormakingtheleastsoundofsippingorclinkingtheplate.Thismaynotbethewayo
etiquettedictates,buttomeitismostappealingandsomehowreallygenuine.Asamatteroffact,itisamazinghowmuc
tasteswhenyoueatitasMotherdoes,sittingserenelyerect,thanwhenyoulookdownintoit.Butbeing,inNaoji'sword
beggarandunabletoeatwithMother'seffortlessease,Ibendovertheplateinthegloomyfashionprescribedbypropere
Mother'swayofeating,notonlysoupbuteverythingelse,isquiteathingapartfromnormaltablemanners.Whenth
sheatoncecutsitupintolittlepieceswithherknifeandfork,thentransferstheforktoherrighthandandhappilyskewe
another.Again,whilewearestrugglingtofreethemeatfromachickenbonewithoutrattlingtheplate,Motherunconcer
theboneinherfingersandchewsthemeatoff.Evensuchuncivilizedactionsseemnotonlycharmingbutstrangelyerot
performsthem.Therealthingsareapttobedeviant.
Ihavesometimesmyselfthoughtthingswouldtastebetterifweatewithourfingers,butIrefrainfromdoingso,for
classbeggarlikemyselfimitatesMotherbadly,itmightmakemelookabeggarplainandsimple.
MybrotherNaojisaysthatwearenomatchforMother,andIhaveattimesfeltsomethingakintodespairatthediffi
her.Once,inthebackgardenofourhouseinNishikataStreetitwasabeautifulmoonlighteveninginthebeginningo
MotherandIweresittinginthesummerhousebytheedgeofthepondadmiringthemoon,whenshegotupandwentin
offloweringshrubs.Shecalledtomefromamongthewhiteblossomswithalittlelaugh,"Kazuko,guesswhatMotheris
"Pickingflowers."
Sheraisedherlittlevoiceinalaugh."Weewee!"
IfelttherewassomethingtrulyadorableinherwhichIcouldnotpossiblyhaveimitated.
Thishasbeenquiteadigressionfromthismorning'ssoup,butIrecentlylearnedfromabookIwasreadinghowinth

Frenchmonarchythecourtladiesthoughtnothingofrelievingthemselvesinthepalacegardensorinacornerofthecorr
innocencereallycharmsme,andIwonderedifMothermightnotbeoneofthelastofthatkindoflady.
Atanyrate,thismorningsheletoutalittlecryahasshesippedthesoup,andIaskedifitwereahair,onlytob
wasnot.
"Perhapsitwastoosalty."
Thesoupthismorningwasgreenpea,fromanAmericancanIgotontherationandmadeintoakindofpotage.Ihav
confidenceinmyabilitiesasacook,thoughitisoneofthefewconfidencesagirlshouldhave,andcouldn'thelpworryin
evenafterMothersaidthatnothingwaswrong.
"Youmadeitverywell,"Mothersaidinaserioustone.Aftershehadfinishedthesoup,sheatesomericeballswrap
Ihaveneverlikedbreakfastandamnothungrybeforeteno'clock.ThismorningImanagedtogetthroughthesoup,
efforttoeatanything.Iputsomericeballsonaplateandpokedatthemwithmychopsticks,mashingthemdown.Ipick
withmychopsticks,whichIheldatrightanglestomymouth,thewayMotherholdsaspoonwhileeatingsoup,andpush
mouth,asifIwerefeedingalittlebird.WhileIdawdledovermyfood,Mother,whohadalreadyfinishedhermeal,quie
withherbackagainstawallwarmedbythemorningsun.Shewatchedmeeatingforawhileinsilence.
"Kazuko,youmustn'teatthatway.Youshouldtrytomakebreakfastthemealyouenjoymost."
"Doyouenjoyit,Mother?"
"Itdoesn'tmatteraboutmeI'mnotsickanymore."
"ButI'mtheonewho'snotsick."
"No,no."Mother,withasadsmile,shookherhead.
FiveyearsagoIwaslaidupwithwhatwascalledlungtrouble,althoughIwasperfectlywellawarethatIhadwilled
myself.Mother'srecentillness,ontheotherhand,hadreallybeennerverackinganddepressing.Andyet,Mother'sonly
me.
"Ah,"Imurmured.
"What'sthematter?"ThistimeitwasMother'sturntoask.
Weexchangedglancesandexperiencedsomethinglikeamomentofabsoluteunderstanding.IgiggledandMother's
smile.
WheneverIamassailedbysomepainfullyembarrassingthought,thatstrangefaintcrycomesfrommylips.Thistim
recalled,alltoovividly,theeventssurroundingmydivorcesixyearsago,andbeforeIknewit,mylittlecryhadcomeou
wondered,hadMotherutteredittoo?Itcouldn'tpossiblybethatshehadrecalledsomethingembarrassingfromherpast
yettherewassomething.
"Whatwasityourememberedjustnow,Mother?"
"I'veforgotten."
"Aboutme?"
"No."
"AboutNaoji?"
"Yes."Then,checkingherwords,Motherleanedherheadtoonesideandadded,"Perhaps."
MybrotherNaojiwascalledupwhilestillattheUniversityandwassentofftosomeislandintheSouthPacific.We
newsofhim,andheisstillmissing,evenaftertheendofthewar.MotherhasresignedherselftoneverseeingNaojiaga
whatshesays,butIhaveneveronce"resigned"myself.AllIcanthink,isthatwecertainlywillseehimagain.
"IthoughtIhadgivenupallhope,butwhenIateyourdelicioussoupIthoughtofNaoji,anditwastoomuchforme
beenbettertohim."
AlongaboutthetimethatNaojifirstenteredhighschoolhebecamefanaticallyabsorbedinliterature,andstartedtol
likeadelinquent,causingHeavenonlyknowshowmuchgrieftoMother.Andinspiteofhisdreadfulbehavior,Mother
assheatehersoupandutteredthatcry.Iangrilypushedthefoodintomymouthandmyeyesgrewhot.
"He'sallright.Naoji'sallright.ScoundrelslikeNaojisimplydon'tdie.Theoneswhodiearealwaysthegentle,swee
people.Naojiwouldn'tdieevenifyouclubbedhimwithastick."
Mothersmiled."ThenIsupposethatyou'lldieanearlydeath."Shewasteasingme.

"WhyshouldI?I'mbadanduglyboth!I'mgoodforeightyyears!"
"Really?Inthatcase,yourmotherisgoodforninety!"
"Yes,"Isaid,alittleperplexed.Scoundrelslivealongtime.Thebeautifuldieyoung.Motherisbeautiful.ButIwant
time.Iwasatalosswhattosay."Youarebeingdifficult,"Iprotested.Mylowerlipbegantotremble,andtearsbrimmed

IwonderifIshouldtellaboutthesnake.Oneafternoon,fourorfivedaysago,thechildrenoftheneighborhoodfoun
snakeeggsconcealedinthestakesofthegardenfence.Theyinsistedthattheywerevipereggs.Itoccurredtomethatif
dozenviperscrawlingaboutourbamboothicketwewouldneverbeabletogointothegardenwithouttakingspecialpre
thechildren,"Let'sburntheeggs,"andthechildrenfollowedme,dancingwithjoy.
Imadeapileofleavesandbrushwoodnearthethicketandsetitafire,throwingtheeggsintotheflamesoneafteran
notcatchfireforthelongesttime.Thechildrenputmoreleavesandtwigsontheflamesandmadethemblazemorevigo
eggsstilldidnotlookasiftheywouldeverburn.
Thegirlfromthefarmhousedowntheroadcalledfromtheothersideofthefencetoaskwhatweweredoing.
"Weareburningvipereggs.I'mterrifiedthatthevipersmightgethatched."
"Abouthowbigaretheeggs?"
"Aboutthesizeofaquail'seggandpurewhite."
"Thenthey'rejustordinaryharmlesssnake'seggsandnotvipereggs.Raweggsdon'tburnverywell,youknow."
Thegirlwentofflaughingasifitwereallveryfunny.
Thefirehadbeenblazingforabouthalfanhour,buttheeggssimplywouldnotburn.Ihadthechildrenretrievethem
andburythemundertheplumtree.Igatheredtogethersomepebblestoserveasagravemarker.
"Let'spray,everybody."Ikneltdownandjoinedmyhands.Thechildrenobedientlykneltbehindmeandjoinedtheir
ThisdoneIleftthechildrenandslowlyclimbedthestonesteps.Motherwasstandingatthetop,intheshadeofthewiste
"You'vedoneaverycruelthing,"shesaid.
"Ithoughttheymightbevipereggs,buttheywerefromanordinarysnake.Anyway,Igavethemaregularburial.Th
beupsetabout."IrealizedhowunfortunateitwasthatMothershouldhaveseenme.
Motherisbynomeanssuperstitious,butshehashadamortaldreadofsnakeseversincetenyearsago,whenFather
inNishikataStreet.JustbeforeFatherpassedaway,Mother,seeingwhatshethoughtwasathinblackcordlyingnearFa
casuallywenttopickitup,onlytodiscoverthatitwasasnake.Itglidedoffintothecorridor,whereitdisappeared.Only
uncleWadanoticedit.Theylookedateachotherbutdidnotsayanything,forfearofdisturbingthepeaceofFather'slas
iswhyevenNaojiandI(whohappenedtobeintheroom)knewnothingaboutthesnake.
ButIknowforafactfromhavingseenitthatontheeveningofmyFather'sdeath,thereweresnakestwistedaround
thegardenpond.Iamtwentyninenow,whichmeansthatwhenmyfatherdiedtenyearsagoIwasalreadynineteen,and
child.Tenyearshavegoneby,butmymemoriesofwhathappenedthenarestillperfectlyfresh,andIamnotlikelytobe
walkingbythepondintendingtocutflowersfortheservice.Istoppedbyabankofazaleasandsuddenlynoticedalittle
aroundthetipofanazaleabranch.Thisstartledmealittle.ThenwhenIwenttocutoffaboughofkerriarosesfromthe
snaketheretoo.OntheroseofSharonnexttoit,onthemaple,thebroom,thewisteria,thecherrytreeoneverybush
wasasnake.Thisdidn'tespeciallyfrightenme.Ionlyfeltsomehowthatthesnakes,likemyself,weremourningmyfath
crawledoutfromtheirholestopayhisspirithomage.Later,whenIwhisperedtoMotheraboutthesnakesinthegarden,
calmly,andmerelyinclinedherheadalittletotheside,asifshewerethinkingofsomething.Shedidnotmakeanycom
AndyetitistruethatthesetwoincidentsinvolvingsnakesmadeMotherdetestthemeverafter.Oritmighthemore
sheheldtheminfearandawe,thatshecametodreadthem.
WhenMotherdiscoveredthatIhadburnedthesnakeeggs,shecertainlymusthavefeltthattherewassomethingillo
ThisrealizationbroughthometomethefeelingthatIhaddoneaterriblethinginburningtheeggs.Iwassotormentedb
mighthavecausedanevilcursetofallonMotherthatIcouldnotputtheeventoutofmymind,notthatday,orthenext,
yetthismorninginthediningroom,Ihadblurtedoutthatidioticremarkaboutthebeautifuldyingyoung,whichIcould

afterwards,nomatterwhatIsaid,andhadendedupintears.Later,whenIwasclearingupthebreakfastdishes,Ihadthe
sensationthatsomehorriblelittlesnakewhichwouldshortenMother'slifehadcrawledintomybreast.
ThatsamedayIsawasnakeinthegarden.Itwasabeautiful,serenemorning,andafterfinishingmyworkinthekitc
wouldtakeawickerchairoutontothelawnanddosomeknitting.AsIsteppeddownintothegardenwiththechairinm
snakebytheirisstalks.Myonlyreactionwasoneofmildrevulsion.Icarriedthechairbacktotheporch,satdown,and
theafternoon,whenIwentintothegardenintendingtogetfromourlibrary(whichisinastorehouseatthebottomofth
volumeofMarieLaurencin'spaintings,asnakewascrawlingslowly,slowlyoverthelawn.ItwasthesamesnakethatI
morning,adelicate,gracefulsnake.Itwaspeacefullycrossingthelawn.Itstoppedwhenitreachedtheshadeofawildro
head,andquivereditsflameliketongue.Itappearedtobesearchingforsomething,butafterafewmomentsdroppedits
theground,asthoughovercomewithweariness.Isaidtomyself,"Itmustbeafemale."Thentoothestrongestimpressio
oneofthebeautyofthesnake.Iwenttothestorehouseandtookoutthevolumeofpaintings.OnthewaybackIstoleag
hadseenthesnake,butithadalreadyvanished.
Towardevening,whileIwasdrinkingteawithMother,Ihappenedtolookoutatthegardenjustasthesnakeagains
intoview,bythethirdstepofthestonestaircase.
Motheralsonoticedit."Isthatthesnake?"Sherushedovertomewiththesewordsandstoodcoweringbesideme,c
hands.Itflashedintomymindwhatshewasthinking.
"Youmeanthemotheroftheeggs?"Icameoutwiththewords.
"Yes,yes."Mother'svoicewasstrained.
Weheldeachother'shandsandstoodinsilence,watchingthesnakewithbatedbreath.Thesnake,languidlycoiledo
tostiragain.Withafalteringmotionitweaklytraversedthestepandslitheredofftowardtheirises.
"Ithasbeenwanderingaroundthegardeneversincethismorning,"Iwhispered.Mothersighedandsatheavilyona
"That'swhatitis,I'msure.She'slookingforhereggs.Thepoorthing."Motherspokeinavoiceofdejection.
Igigglednervously,notknowingwhatelsetodo.
ThesunstrikingMother'sfacemadehereyesshinealmostblue.Herface,whichseemedtowearaboutitafaintsugg
wassolovelythatIfeltlikeflyingtoher.ItoccurredtomethenthatMother'sfaceratherresembledthatoftheunfortuna
justseen,andIhadthefeeling,forwhateverreason,thattheuglysnakedwellinginmybreastmightonedayendbydev
beautiful,griefstrickenmothersnake.
IplacedmyhandonMother'ssoft,delicateshoulderandfeltaphysicalagitationwhichIcouldnotexplain.

ItwasatthebeginningofDecemberoftheyearofJapan'sunconditionalsurrenderthatweleftourhouseinNishikat
andmovedtothisratherChinesestylehouseinIzu.Aftermyfatherdied,itwasUncleWadaMother'syoungerbroth
onlysurvivingbloodrelationwhohadtakencareofourhouseholdexpenses.Butwiththeendofthewareverythingc
UncleWadainformedMotherthatwecouldn'tgoonaswewere,thatwehadnochoicebuttosellthehouseanddismiss
andthatthebestthingforuswouldbetobuyanicelittleplacesomewhereinthecountrywherethetwoofuscouldlive
Motherunderstandslessofmoneymattersthanachild,andwhenUncleWadadescribedtoheroursituation,heronlyre
wastoaskhimtodowhateverhethoughtbest.
AttheendofNovemberaspecialdeliveryletterarrivedfrommyuncle,informingusthatViscountKawata'svillaw
housestoodonhighgroundwithagoodviewandincludedabouthalfanacreofcultivatedland.Theneighborhood,we
famousforitsplumblossomsandwaswarminwinterandcoolinsummer.UncleWada'sletterconcluded,"Ibelievetha
livingthere.Itisapparentlynecessary,however,foryoutohaveapersonalinterviewwiththeotherparty,sowouldyou
tomorrowtomyoffice?"
"Areyougoing,Mother?"Iasked.
"Imust,"shesaid,smilinginanalmostunbearablypatheticway."Heaskedmeto."
Motherleftthenextdayalittleafternoon,Shewasaccompaniedbyourformerchauffeur,whoescortedherbackat
sameevening.

Shecameintomyroomandsatdownwithherhandagainstmydesk,asifshemightcollapseonthespot."It'sallde
onlywords.
"Whathasbeendecided?"
"Everything."
"But,"Isaidinsurprise,"beforeyouhaveevenseenwhatkindofhouseitis?"
Motherraisedoneelbowtothedesk,touchedherhandtoherforehead,andletoutalittlesigh."UncleWadasaystha
IfeelasifIwouldjustassoonmovethereasIam,withoutevenopeningmyeyes."Sheliftedherheadandsmiledfaintl
seemedalittlethinandverybeautiful.
"Yes,that'sso,"Ichimedin,vanquishedbythepurityofMother'strustinUncleWada.
"Thenyoushutyoureyes,too."
Webothlaughed,butafterourlaughterhaddiedaway,wefeltterriblydepressed.
Theworkmencameeverydaytoourhousefromthenon,andpackingforthemovebegan.UncleWadaalsopaidus
thenecessaryarrangementssothateverythingwhichwastobesoldcouldbedisposedof.Okimi,themaid,andIwereb
tasksasputtingtheclothesinorderandburningrubbishinthegarden,butMothergaveusnottheslightestassistance.Sh
inherroomdillydallyingoversomething.
OnceIscrewedupthecouragetoaskher,alittlesharply,"What'sthematter?Don'tyoufeelatalllikegoingtoIzu?"
"No,"wasallsheanswered,avaguelookonherface.
Ittookabouttendaystocompletetheremovalpreparations.OneeveningwhenIwasoutinthegardenwithOkimib
wastepaperandstraw,Motheremergedfromherroomandstoodontheporch,silentlywatchingtheblazingfire.Acold
fromthewestwasblowing,andthesmokecrawledovertheground.IhappenedtolookupatMother'sfaceandwasstar
poorhercoloringwas,worsethanIhadeverseenitbefore.
"Mother,youdon'tlookwell!"Icried.Motheransweredwithawansmile,"It'snothing."Shemovedsoundlesslyba
Thatnight,becameourbeddinghadalreadybeenpacked,OkimisleptonasofawhileMotherandIslepttogetherin
beddingborrowedfromaneighbor.
Mothersaidinavoicewhichsoundedsooldandweakthatitfrightenedme,"IamgoingtoIzubecauseyouarewith
haveyou."
Iwastakenabackbythisunexpectedremark."Andwhatifyoudidn'thaveme?"Iaskedinspiteofmyself.
Mothersuddenlyburstintotears."Thebestthingformewouldbetodie.IwishIcoulddieinthishousewhereyour
spokeinbrokenaccents,weepingmoreandmoreconvulsively.
NeverhadMotherspokentomeinsuchafeeblevoice,andneverbeforehadsheletmeseeherweepingwithsucha
whenmyfatherdied,orwhenIwasmarried,orwhenIcamebacktoMotherpregnant,orwhenthebabywasstillbornin
whenlaterIwassickandconfinedtomybed,or,forthatmatter,whenNaojihaddonesomethingbadneverhadshe
weakness.DuringthetenyearssinceFather'sdeath,Motherhadbeenjustaseasygoingandgentleaswhilehewasalive
takenadvantageofhertogrowupwithoutconcerningourselvesaboutanything.NowMothernolongerhadanymoney.
allonus,onNaojiandmyself,withoutbegrudgingusapenny,andshewasbeingforcedtoleavethehousewheresheha
yearstoenteronalifeofmiseryinacottagewithoutasingleservant.IfMotherhadbeenmeanandstingyandscoldedu
kindofpersonwhosecretlydeviseswaystoincreaseherfortune,shewouldneverhavewishedfordeaththatway,nom
timeshadchanged.ForthefirsttimeinmylifeIrealizedwhatahorrible,miserable,salvationlesshellitistobewithout
filledwithemotion,butIwasinsuchanguishthatthetearswouldnotcome.IwonderedifthefeelingIexperiencedthen
meanbythewellwornphrase"dignityofhumanlife."Ilaythere,staringattheceiling,feelingincapableoftheslightes
bodystiffasastone.

Thenextday,asIhadexpected,Motherseemeddefinitelyill.Shelingeredoveronethingandanotherasifeveryad
shecouldremaininthehousewasprecioustoher,butUncleWadacametoinformusthatwehadtoleavethatdayforI
luggagehadalreadybeendispatched.Motherwithobviousreluctanceputonhercoat,andbowingwithoutawordtoOk

peopleinouremploywhohadcometosaygoodbye,shewalkedoutofourhouseinNishikataStreet.
Thetrainwascomparativelyempty,andwewereallabletofindseats.Myunclewasinextremelygoodspiritsandh
fromtheNoplays,amongotherthings.Mother,paleandwithhereyesdowncast,lookedverycoldWechangedatNaga
rodeforaboutaquarterofanhour,gotoff,andbegantowalktowardthemountains.Weclimbedagentlyslopingrisea
village,justoutsidewhichwasaChinesestylevilla,builtwithsometaste.
"It'sapleasanterplacethanIhadimagined,Mother,"Isaid,stillgaspingforbreathfromtheclimb.
Motherstoodinfrontoftheentranceofthecottage."Yesitis,"sheanswered,ahappyexpressioncomingintoherey
"Tobeginwith,theairisgood.Freshair,"declaredmyunclewithevidentselfsatisfaction.
"Itreallyis,"Mothersmiled."It'sdelicious.Theairhereisdelicious."
Weallthreelaughed.
InsidewefoundourbelongingsarrivedfromTokyo.Thefrontofthehousewaspiledhighwithcrates.
"Next,thereisafineviewfromthesittingroom."Myuncle,quitecarriedaway,draggedusthereandmadeussitdo
Itwasaboutthreeintheafternoon,andthewintersunwasgentlystrikingthegardenlawn.Atthefootofaflightofs
thelawn,therewasalittlepondsurroundedbyplumtrees,andbeyondthegarden,anorchardoftangerinetrees.Avillag
fields,agroveofpines,and,inthedistance,theseacouldalsobediscerned.AsIsatinthedrawingroom,theseaappea
levelwithmybreasts.
"It'sagentlelandscape,"Mothersaiddully.
"Itmustbebecauseoftheair.ThesunlighthereisentirelydifferentfromTokyosunlight,isn'tit?It'sasiftheraysw
throughsilk,"Iansweredwithexcessivegaiety.
Onthegroundfloorweretwofairlygoodsizedrooms,aChinesestylereceptionroom,ahall,andabathroom,then
andkitchen.Upstairswasaforeignstyleroomwithabigbed.Thiswasthewholehouse,butIthoughtthatitwouldnot
crampedfortwoofus,orevenforthreeifNaojireturned.
Myunclewentouttotheonlyinninthevillagetoarrangeaboutamealforus.Alunchwaspresentlydeliveredwhic
thesittingroomandbegantoeat.Somewhiskyhehadbroughtservedtowashitdown.Hewasverycheerfulandinsiste
adventuresinChinawithViscountKawata,theformerownerofthehouse.Motherbarelytouchedthefood,andsoonaf
startedtogrowdark,shemurmured,"I'dliketoliedownforabit."
IextractedthebeddingfromourbaggageandhelpedMotherspreadit.Somethingaboutherworriedmesomuchtha
thermometertotakehertemperature.Itwas102degrees.
Evenmyuncleseemedupset.Atanyrate,hewentofftothevillageinsearchofadoctor.WhenIcalledtoMother,s
drowsily.
IpressedMother'slittlehandinmineandbegantosob.Shewassopitiful,soterriblypitifulno,wewerebothpiti
wouldnotstop.IthoughtasIweptthatIwouldliketodieonthespotwithMother,thatwehadnothingtohopeforany
liveshadendedwhenweleftthehouseinNishikataStreet.
Sometwohourslatermyunclereturnedwiththevillagedoctor.Heseemedquiteanoldmanandwasdressedinform
fashionedJapanesecostume.
"Itmaypossiblydevelopintopneumonia.However,evenifpneumoniadevelops,thereisnooccasionforanxiety."W
vaguepronouncement,hegaveMotheraninjectionanddeparted.
Mother'sfeverdidnotgodownthefollowingday.Myunclehandedme2,000yenwithinstructionstotelegraphhim
happenthatMotherhadtobehospitalized.HereturnedthatdaytoTokyo.
Itookthenecessaryminimumofcookingutensilsfromourbaggageandpreparedsomericegruel.Motherswallowe
thenshookherhead.Alittlebeforenoonthedoctorappearedagain.Thistimehewasinslightlylessformalattire,buthe
whitegloves.
IsuggestedthatitmightperhapsbebetterifMotherwenttothehospital."No,"thedoctorsaid,"Idonotbelieveitto
TodayIshalladministerastronginjection,andthefeverwillprobablyabate."Hisanswerwasjustasunreassuringasth
andhewentawayassoonashehadfinishedgivingMotherthe"stronginjection."
ThatafternoonMother'sfaceturnedabrightredandshebegantoperspireprofusely.This,perhaps,wastobeattribu
miraculouspowersoftheinjection.Mothersaid,asIchangedhernightgown,"Whoknows,hemaybeagreatdoctor!"

Hertemperaturehaddroppedtonormal.IwassohappythatIrantothevillageinnandboughtadozeneggsfromth
softboiledsomeatonceandservedthemtoMother.Sheatethreeandabouthalfabowlofricegruel.
Thenextdaythegreatdoctorappearedinhisformalcostumeagain.HenoddedgravelywhenIthankedhimforthes
injection,withanexpressionasmuchastosay"ExactlyasIexpected."HeexaminedMothercarefully,thenturningtom
motherhasquiterecovered.Shemaythereforeeatanddowhatevershedesires."
HismannerofspeechwassopeculiarthatIhadallIcoulddotokeepfromburstingoutlaughing.Ishowedthedocto
WhenIreturnedtoherroom,IfoundMotherwassittingupinbed.
"Hereallyisagreatdoctor.I'mnotsickanymore,"shesaidabsentmindedly,asifsheweretalkingtoherself.Sheh
expressiononherface.
"Mother,shallIopentheblinds?It'ssnowing!"
Snowflakesbigaspetalshadsoftlybeguntofall.Ithrewopentheblindsand,sittingnexttoMother'sside,watchedt
"I'mnotsickanymore,"Mothersaid,onceagainasiftoherself."WhenIsitherewithyouthisway,itmakesmefee
thathashappenedwasjustadream.Totellthetruth,whenthetimecameformoving,Isimplyhatedthethought.Iwoul
anythingtostayaday,evenhalfaday,longerinourhouseinNishikataStreet.IfelthalfdeadwhenIhadtoboardthetr
arrivedhere,afterthefirstmomentortwoofpleasure,IfeltmyheartwouldburstwithlongingforTokyo,especiallywh
Theneverythingseemedtogoblankbeforeme.Itwasn'tanordinarysickness.Godkilledme,andonlyafterHehadmad
someoneentirelydifferentfromthepersonIhadbeen,didhecallmebacktolife."

Fromthatdaytothepresent,wehavemanagedtocontinueoursolitarylivesinthiscottageinthemountains.Wepre
ontheporch,readintheChineseroom,drinkteainotherwords,leadanuneventfulexistencealmostcompletelyisola
world.InFebruarythewholevillagewasburiedinplumblossoms.Oneplacid,windlessdaysucceededanotherwellinto
blossomsremainedontheboughsuntiltheendofthemonth.Atwhatevertimeofthedayonesawthem,theblossomsw
takinglybeautiful,andtheirfragrancefloodedintotheroomwheneverIopenedtheglassdoors.TowardtheendofMarc
springupeveryevening,andaswesatinthetwilighteddiningroomdrinkingtea,petalswouldblowinthroughthewind
NowinAprilourconversation,asweknitontheporch,hasgenerallyturnedonourplansforcultivatingthefields.Moth
wouldliketohelp.EvenasIwritethesewordsthethoughtstrikesmethat,justasshesaid,wehavealreadydied,onlyto
lifeasdifferentpeople.ButIdon'tsupposearesurrectionlikeJesus'ispossibleforordinaryhumanbeings.Motherspok
werealreadyforgotten,butallthesame,whenshetastedthesoupthismorningshethoughtofNaojiandutteredthatcry
havethescarsofmypasthealed.
Oh,Iwouldliketowriteeverything,downplainlyandabsolutelywithoutconcealment.Isometimessecretlythinkth
thishouseinthemountainsisnothingmorethanalieandasham.Evenassumingthatthishasbeenashortperiodofres
byGodtomymotherandmyself,Ican'tescapethefeelingthatsomethreatening,darkshadowisalreadyhoveringclose
pretendstobehappy,butshegrowsthinnerbytheday.AndinmybreastaviperlodgeswhichfattensbysacrificingMo
fattenshowevermuchItrytosuppressit.Ifitisonlysomethingwhichcomeswiththeseason,andnothingmore!ThatI
suchadepravedthingasburnthesnakeeggscertainlyshowswhatastateIamin..EverythingIdoseemsonlytomakeM
unhappinessthemoreprofoundandtoweakenher.
Asforlove...no,havingoncewrittenthatwordIcanwritenothingmore.

CHAPTERTWO/FIRE

Duringthetendaysthatfollowedtheincidentwiththesnakeeggs,oneillfatedthingafteranotheroccurredtointens
unhappinessandshortenherlife.
Iwasresponsibleforstartingafire.
ThatIshouldhavestartedafire.Ihadneverevendreamedthatsuchadreadfulthingwouldhappentome.Iatonce

livesofevery.onearoundmeandriskedsufferingtheveryseriouspunishmentprovidedbylaw.
Imusthavebeenbroughtupsoverymuchthe"littlelady"asnottohavebeenawareoftheobviousfactthatcareless
conflagrations.LateonenightIgotuptowashmyhands,andasIpassedbythescreenintheentrancehall,Inoticedali
thebathroom.Igaveitacasualglanceonlytodiscoverthattheglassdoorofthebathroomwasaglowingred,andIcou
ominouscrackling.Irushedtothesidedoorandranoutsidebarefoot.Icouldseethenthatthepileoffirewoodwhichha
besidethefurnacewasblazingfuriously.
Iflewtothefarmhousebelowourgardenandbeatwithallmymightonthedoor."Mr.Nakai.Fire!Fire!Pleaseget
fire!"
Mr.Nakaihadapparentlyalreadyretired,butheansweredfrominside,"I'llcomeatonce."WhileIwasstillurgingh
dashedoutofhishouse,stillinhisbedclothes.
Weracedbacktothefire.Justaswebegantodrawwaterfromthepondwithsomebuckets,IheardMothercallfrom
toherroom.Ithrewdownmybucket,climbeduptothegallery,andcaughtMotherinmyarms.Shewasonthepointof
"Mother,pleasedon'tworry.It'sallright.Pleasegobacktobed."Iledherbacktobedandhavingpersuadedhertolied
tothefire.ThistimeIdippedwaterfromthebathandpassedittoMr.Nakaitothrowontheburningwoodpile.Theblaz
sointensethatwecouldnotpossiblyhaveextinguisheditthatway.
Iheardvoicesshoutingbelow,"There'safire.Fireatthevilla!"Suddenlyfourorfivefarmersbrokethroughthefenc
tous.Ittookthemjustafewminutestogetarelayofbucketsgoingandputouttheblaze.Ifthefirehadlastedjustalitt
flameswouldhavespreadtotheroof.
"ThankHeavens"wasmyfirstthought,butinthenextinstantIwasaghastatthesuddenrealizationofwhathadcaus
onlythenthatitoccurredtomethatthedisasterhadtakenplacebecausethepreviousnight,afterIremovedtheunburne
firewoodfromthefurnace,Ihadleftthemnexttothewoodpile,thinkingthattheywerealreadyout.Thisdiscoverymad
burstintotears.AsIstoodthererootedtotheground,Iheardthegirlfromthehouseinfrontsayinaloudvoice,"Some
beencarelessaboutthefurnace.Theplaceisgutted."
Thevillagemayor,thepoliceman,andtheheadofthefirebrigadewereamongthosewhoappeared.Themayoraske
gentlesmilingface,"Youmusthavebeenterriblyfrightened.Howdidithappen?"
"Itwasallmyfault.Ithoughtthatthefirewoodhadburnedout."ThiswasallIcouldsay.Thetearscamewellingup
incapableofspeech,myeyesontheground.Thethoughtcametomethenthatthepolicemightarrestmeanddragmeo
andatthesamemomentIsuddenlybecameawareoftheshamefullydisheveledappearanceImadeasIstoodtherebaref
gown.Ifeltutterlylost.
Themayorquietlyasked,inatoneofsympathy,"Iunderstand.Isyourmotherallright?"
"Sheisrestinginherroom.Itwasadreadfulshockforher."
"Anyway,"saidtheyoungpoliceman,tryingtocomfortme,"it'sagoodthingthatthehousedidn'tcatchfire."
JustthenMr.Nakaireappeared,havingchangedhisclothesinthemeanwhile,andbegantoshoutalloutofbreath,"W
about?Justalittlewoodgotburned.Itneverturnedintoarealfire."Hewasobviouslytryingtocoverupmystupidmist
"Iunderstandperfectly,"saidthemayornodding.Hespokeforafewminuteswiththepoliceman,thensaid,"We'llb
Pleaseremembermetoyourmother."Theyallleftexceptforthepoliceman,whowalkeduptome,andinavoicesofai
breathingsaid,"Noreportwillbemadeonwhathappenedtonight."
AfterhehadgoneMr.Nakaiaskedinatensevoicewhatthepolicemanhadsaid.Ianswered,"Hetoldmethattheyw
report."Theneighborswhowerestillstandingaroundapparentlycaughtmywords,fortheybegangraduallytodriftawa
expressionsofrelief.Mr.Nakaiwishedmeagoodnightandstartedoff.ThenIstoodalone,mymindablank,bythebur
tearsIlookedupatthesky,andIcouldseethefirsttracesofthedawn.
Iwenttowashmyhands,feet,andface.SomehowthethoughtofappearingbeforeMotherfrightenedme,andIidled
bathroom,arrangingmyhair.IwentthentothekitchenwhereIspentthetimeuntilitgrewlightinmakingaquiteunnec
rearrangementofthecookingutensils.
ItiptoedtoMother'sroomonlytofindthatshewasalreadycompletelydressedandseated,lookingabsolutelyexhau
armchair.Shesmiledwhenshesawme,butherfacewasdreadfullypale.
Ididnotsmileinreturnbutstoodwithoutawordbehindherchair.Afteralittlewhile,Mothersaid,"Itwasn'tanythi

firewoodthatwasmeanttobeburned."
Iwassweptbyawaveofhappiness.IrememberedfromchildhoodSundayschoolclassestheproverbintheBible,"
spokenislikeapplesofgoldinpicturesofsilver,"andIthankedGodfromthebottomofmyheartformygoodfortunei
sofulloftenderness.
Afterfinishingalightbreakfast,Isettoworkdisposingoftheburnedwoodpile.Osaki,theproprietressofthevillage
trottingupfromthegardengate."Whathappened?Ijustheardaboutit.Whathappenedlastnight?"Tearsshoneinhere
"Iamsorry,"Imurmuredinapology.
"There'snothingtobesorryabout.Whataboutthepolice?"
"Theysaiditwasallright."
"Oh,that'sarelief."Shelookedgenuinelyglad.
IdiscussedwithOsakihowIshouldexpressmythanksandapologiestothevillage.Shewasoftheopinionthatmon
suitableandsuggestedthehousesIshouldvisitwithpresentsofmoneyandapologies.Sheadded,"Ifyouhadrathernot
allbyyourself,I'lljoinyou."
"Itwouldbebest,wouldn'tit,formetogoalone?"
"Canyoumanageitalone?Ifyoucan,itwouldbe."
"I'llgoalone."
WhenIhadfinisheddisposingofthewood,IaskedMotherforsomemoney,whichIwrappedinlittlepacketsof100
outsideIwrotethewords"Withapologies."
Icalledfirstatthevillagehall.Themayorwasout,andIgavethepackettothegirlatthereceptiondesksaying,"Wh
wasunpardonable,butfromnowonIshallbemostcareful.Pleaseforgivemeandconveymyapologiestothemayor."
Inextvisitedthehouseofthefirechief.Hehimselfcametothedoor.Hegavemeasadlittlesmilebutdidnotsayan
reason,Iburstintotears."Pleaseforgivemeforlastnight."Itookaprecipitousleaveandranthroughthestreetswiththe
downmyface.IlookedsuchafrightthatIhadtogobackhometoputonsomefreshmakeup.Iwasjustabouttosetou
Motherappeared."Notfinishedyet?Whereareyougoingthistime?"
"I'veonlyjustbegun,"Ianswered,notliftingmyface.
"Itmustbeaterribleordealforyou."Mother'stonewaswarmlyunderstanding.Itwasherlovewhichgavemethest
therestofthecalls,thistimewithoutonceweeping.
WhereverIwentthepeoplesympathizedandattemptedtoconsoleme.Mr.Nishiyama'syoungwifeIsayyoungb
aboutfortywastheonlyonewhorebukedme."Pleasebecarefulinthefuture.Youmaybelongtothenobility,foral
beenwatchingwithmyheartinmymouththewayyoutwohavebeenliving,likechildrenplayinghouse.It'sonlyamir
hadafirebefore,consideringtherecklesswayyoulive.Pleasebesuretotaketheutmostcarefromnowon.Iftherehad
windlastnight,thewholevillagewouldhavegoneupinflames."
IfeltthetruthofMrs.Nishiyama'saccusation.Thingswerereallyexactlyasshedescribed,andIcouldn'tdislikeher
havingscoldedme.
Motherhadtriedtocomfortmebymakingthejokeaboutthefirewoodbeingforburning,butsupposingtherehadbe
thewholevillagemighthaveburneddown,justasMrs.Nishiyamasaid.Ifthathadhappened,notevenmysuicidecould
sufficientapology,andmydeathwouldnotonlyhavecausedMother'sbuthaveblackenedforevermyFather'sname.Ik
aristocracyisnownotwhatitoncewas,butifitmustperishinanycase,Iwouldliketoseeitgodownaselegantlyaspo
restinmygraveifIdiedinatonementforhavingstartedafire.
Ibeganfromthefollowingdaytodevotemyenergiestoworkinginthefields.Mr.Nakai'sdaughtersometimeshelps
mydisgracefulactofhavingstartedafire,Ihavefeltsomehowasifthecolorofmybloodhasturnedalittledarker,asif
everydaymoreofanuncouthcountrygirl.When,forinstance,IsitontheporchknittingwithMother,Ifeelstrangelyc
choked,anditcomesasareliefwhenIgooutintothefieldstodigtheearth.
Manuallabor,Isupposeonewouldcallit.ThisisnotthefirsttimeI'vedonesuchwork.Iwasconscriptedduringthe
madetodocoolielabor.ThesneakersInowwearwhenIworkinthefieldsaretheonestheArmyissuedme.Thatwast
mylifeIhadputsuchthingsonmyfeet,buttheyweresurprisinglycomfortable,andwhenIwalkedaroundthegardenw
asifIcouldunderstandthelightheartednessofthebirdoranimalthatwalksbarefootontheground.Thatistheonlyple

haveofthewar.Whatadrearybusinessthewarwas.
Lastyearnothinghappened
Theyearbeforenothinghappened
Andtheyearbeforethatnothinghappened.

Anamusingpoemtothiseffectappearedinanewspaperjustafterthewarended.Ofcourseallkindsofthingsactua
butwhenItrytorecallthemnow,Iexperiencethatsamefeelingthatnothinghappened.Ihatetalkingaboutthewaror
people'smemories.Manypeopledied,Iknow,butitwasstilladrearybusiness,anditboresmenow.Isupposeyoumig
veryegocentricviewofit.OnlywhenIwasconscriptedandforcedtodocoolielaborinsneakerswasIabletothinkofi
ofitsdreariness.Ioftenhadharshthoughtsaboutthecoolielabor,butthankstoitIbecamequiterobust,andevennowI
thatifeverIhavedifficultyinekingoutaliving,Icanalwaysgetalongbyperformingmanuallabor.
Oneday,aboutthetimethatthewarwasenteringitsreallydesperatephase,amandressedinakindofmilitaryunifo
houseinNishikataStreetandhandedmeconscriptionpapersandaschedulelistingthedaysIwasrequiredtowork.Idis
thefollowingdayIwouldhavetoreportonalternatedaysatabaseinthemountainsbehindTachikawa.Inspiteofmyse
intears.
"Isupposeasubstitutewouldn'tdo?"ThetearskeptflowingandIhadbeguntosob.
Themanansweredfirmly,"TheArmyhasworkforyou,andyouyourselfmustgo."
Thenextdayitrained.Anofficerdeliveredusasermonaswestoodlinedupatthefootofthemountain."Victoryis
saidbywayofpreamble."Victoryisacertainty,butunlesseverybodydoesexactlywhattheArmyorders,allourplans
andwewillhaveanotherOkinawa.Wewantyouwithoutfailtodoeverybitoftheworkyouaregiven.Next,youareto
againstoneanother.Thereisnotellingwhetherspieshavebeenplantedamongyou.Youwillnowbeworkinginmilitar
likesoldiers,andwewantyoutoexerciseeverypossiblecautionnottorevealtootherpeopleunderanycircumstancesw
seen."
Themountainwassmoulderingintherainaswestoodthere,closetofivehundredmenandwomen.Welistenedwit
reverencetohisaddress,inspiteofthedrenchingrain.Theunitalsoincludedboysandgirlsfromtheelementaryschool
frozenlittlefacesonthevergeoftears.Therainwentthroughmycoat,penetratedmyjacket,andfinallysoakedthrough
underwear.
Ispentthatwholedaycarryingbasketsofearthonmyback.ThenexttimeatthebaseItuggedropesinateamoflab
theworkIlikedbest.
TwoorthreetimeswhileIwasoutworkinginthemountainsIhadtheimpressionthattheschoolboyswerestaringa
disagreeablemanner.Iwasshoulderingbasketsofearthonedaywhenacoupleofthempassedby,andIheardoneofth
"Thinkshe'saspy?"
Iwasastonished.Iaskedthegirlcarryingearthnexttomewhatmadetheboysaysuchathing.Sheansweredseriou
becauseyoulooklikeaforeigner."
"DoI?DoyoualsothinkI'maspy?"
"No,"sheanswered,thistimewithalittlesmile.
"IamaJapanese,"Isaidandcouldn'tkeepfromgigglingattheobvioussillinessofmyownwords.
OnefinemorningwhichIhadspenthaulinglogsalongwiththemen,theyoungofficersuddenlyfrownedandpointe
you.You,comehere."
Hewalkedquicklytowardthepineforest,andIfollowedhim,myheartpoundingwithnervousnessandfear.Hestop
timberjustbroughtfromthesawmill,andturnedaroundtome."Itmustbeveryhardworkingthatwayeveryday.Toda
watchoverthislumber."Hespokewithasmile,flashinghiswhiteteeth.
"YoumeanIshouldstandhere?"
"It'scoolandquiet,andyoucantakeanapontopofthepile.Ifyougetbored,perhapsyou'dliketoreadthis."Heto
volumefromhispocketandtosseditshylyontheboards."Itisn'tmuchofabook,butpleasereaditifyoulike."
ItwascalledTroika.Ipickeditup."Thankyouverymuch.There'ssomeoneinmyfamilyalsowholikesbooks,but

Pacificnow."
Hemisunderstood."Oh,yourhusband.SouthPacific.That'sterrible."Heshookhisheadinsympathy."Atanyrate,t
guardduty.I'llbringyourlunchboxmyselflateron.Youjustrestwithoutworryingaboutanything."Withthesewords,
rapidly.
Isatonthelumberpileandbegantoreadthebook.Ihadreadabouthalfwhenthecrunchingofhisbootsannounced
return."Ihavebroughtyourlunch.Itmustbeverytediousbeingherealone."Hedepositedthelunchboxonthegrassan
again.
WhenIhadfinishedthelunch,Icrawledupontopofthelumberpileandstretchedouttoreadthebook.Ireadthew
throughandnoddedoff.IwokeafterthreewiththesuddenimpressionthatIhadseentheyoungofficerbefore,butwher
recall.IclambereddownfromthepileandwasjustsmoothingdownmyhairwhenIheardthecrunchingofhisbootsag
"Thankyouverymuchforhavingcometoday.Youmayleavenowifyouwish."
Iranuptohimandheldoutthebook.Iwantedtoexpressmythanks,butthewordsdidnotcome.InsilenceIlooked
whenoureyesmet,minefilledwithtears.Thentearsshonealsoinhis.
Wepartedwithoutwords,justlikethat,andtheyoungofficerneveragainappearedattheplacewhereIworked.Tha
dayIwasabletotakeiteasy.FromthenonIwenteveryotherdaytoTachikawatodomystintofhardlabor.Motherwo
aboutmyhealth,buttheworkactuallymademestrongerthaneverbefore,andevennowIam,atleast,awomanwhois
distressedevenbythehardestlaborinthefields.
IsaidthatIhatetodiscussthewarorhearaboutit,butnowIfindIhavetoldallaboutmy"preciousexperience."Bu
onlymemoryofthewarIeverfeeltheslightestinclinationtorelate.Therestmightaptlybesummedupbythepoem:
Lastyearnothinghappened
Theyearbeforenothinghappened
Andtheyearbeforethatnothinghappened.

Idioticallyenough,allthatremainsofmywarexperiencesisthepairofsneakers.
Thementionofthesneakerstookmeoffagainonanotherdigression,butIshouldaddthatalthoughwearingwhatm
uniquemementoofthewarandgoingoutintothefieldseverydayhelpstorelievethesecretanxietyanduneasinessdee
Motherhasoflatebeengrowingweakerdaybyday.
Thesnakeeggs.
Thefire.
Mother'shealthhasshockinglydeterioratedwhileI,quiteonthecontrary,feelasthoughIamsteadilyturningintoa
woman.Ican'tescapethefeelingthatitisbysuckingthelifebreathoutofMotherthatIamfattening.
Motherhasneversaidawordconcerningthefireexceptforherjokeaboutthefirewoodbeingforburning.Farfrom
sheseemedtopityme,buttheshockshereceivedwascertainlytentimesasgreatasmine.EversincethefireMotherso
inhersleep,andonnightswhenastrongwindisblowing,sheslipsoutofbedanynumberoftimes,howeverlateitmay
aroundthehousemakingsurethateverythingisallright.Sheneverlookswell.Somedaysevenwalkingseemsagreats
hadexpressedadesiretohelpmeinthefields,andalthoughIhaddiscouragedher,sheinsistedoncarryingfiveorsixgr
waterfromthewell.Thenextdayherbackwassostiffshecouldbarelybreathe.Shespentthedayinbed.Afterthatshe
givenuptheideaofmanuallabor.OnceinawhileshewalksoutintothefieldsbutonlytoobserveintentlywhatIamdo
Today,whileMotherwaswatchingmework,shesuddenlyremarked,"Theysaythatpeoplewholikesummerflowe
summer.Iwonderifit'strue."Ididnotanswerbutwentonwateringtheeggplants.Itisalreadythebeginningofsumme
softly,"Iamveryfondofhibiscus,butwehaven'tasingleoneinthisgarden."
"Wehaveplentyofoleanders,"Iansweredinanintentionallysharptone.
"Idon'tlikethem.Ilikealmostallsummerflowers,butoleandersaretooloud."
"Ilikerosesbest.Buttheybloominallfourseasons.Iwonderifpeoplewholikerosesbesthavetodiefourtimesov
Webothlaughed.
"Won'tyourestabit?"Motherasked,stillsmiling.Sheadded,"IhavesomethingI'dliketotalkoverwithyoutoday

"Whatisit?Ifit'saboutyourdying,nothanks."
IfollowedMothertoabenchunderthewisteriatrellis.Thewisteriablossomswereattheirend,andthesoftafternoo
filteringthroughtheleavesfellonourlapsanddyedthemgreen.
"There'ssomethingI'vebeenmeaningtotellyouforquiteawhile,butIwaswaitingforamomentwhenwewerebo
mood.Yousee,it'snotaveryeasythingtodiscuss.ButtodayIfeelsomehowasifIcantalkaboutit.Iaskyoupleaseto
andlistenuntilIhavefinished.ThetruthisthatNaojiisalive."
Istiffenedallover.
"FiveorsixdaysagoIhadaletterfromyourUncleWada.Itseemsthatamanwhousedtoworkforhimhasrecentl
theSouthPacific.Hewenttoyouruncle'sofficetopayhisrespects,andthen,quitebyaccident,itcameoutthathehad
unitwithNaojiandthatNaojiissafeandwillsoonbereturning.Hehadoneunpleasantthingtoreport.Accordingtothi
becomearatherseriousopiumaddict."
"Again!"
MymouthtwistedasifIhadeatensomethingbitter.WhenNaojiwasinhighschool,inimitationofacertainnovelis
drugs,andhefinallyranupsuchanenormousbillatthepharmacist'sthatithadtakenMothertwoyearstopayitinfull.
"Yes.Heseemstohavetakenitupagain.Butthemansaidthathe'scertaintobecuredbythetimehegetsbackbeca
himreturnotherwise.Youruncle'slettergoesontosaythatevenifNaojiiscuredwhenhereturnsthere'snoimmediate
findingajobforsomeoneinhisframeofmind.Evenperfectlynormalpeoplebecomeratherpeculiarnowadaysiftheyw
whatwithalltheconfusionandasemiinvalidwhohasjustrecoveredfromnarcoticpoisoningmightgoberserkinno
tellingwhathemightdo.ItNaojicomesback,thebestthingwouldbeforustotakecareofhimhereinthemountainsfo
andnotlethimgoanywhereelse.That'sonething.And,Kazuko,yourunclehadanotherthinginhisletter.Hesaysthat
gone,andwhatwiththeblockingofsavingsandthecapitallevy,hewon'tbeabletosendusasmuchashehasbefore.It
extremelydifficultforhimtomanageourlivingexpenses,especiallywhenNaojiarrivesandtherearethreeofustotake
suggeststhatweshouldwastenotimeinfindingforyoueitherahusbandorelseapositioninsomehousehold."
"Asaservant?"
"No,yourunclewrotethatheknewofafamilythat'srelatedtousandinthepeeragewhereyoucouldhaveapositio
thelittlegirls.Thatprobablywouldn'tbetoodepressingorawkwardforyou."
"Iwonderifthereisn'tsomeotherjob."
"Hesaysthatanyotherprofessionwouldbeimpracticalforyou."
"Whyimpractical?"
Mothersmiledsadlybutdidnotanswer.
"No!I'vehadenoughofsuchtalk!"Iburstouthysterically,knowingevenasIdidsothatIwouldregretit.ButIcou
atmeinthesewretchedsneakerslook!"Iwascrying,butIbrushedthetearsawaywiththebackofmyhandandlook
face.Avoicewithinmerepeated,"Imustn't,Imustn't,"butwords,havingnoconnectionwithmyexpressedself,poured
thedepthsofmysubconscious.
"Didn'tyouoncesaythatitwasbecauseofme,becauseyouhadme,thatyouweregoingtoIzu?Didn'tyousaythat
meyouwoulddie?That'swhyI'vestayedherewithoutbudgingfromyourside.AndhereIamwearingthesesneakersb
thoughthasbeentogrowvegetablesyouwouldlike.NowyouhearthatNaoji'scominghome,andsuddenlyyoufindme
offandbecomeaservant!'yousay.It'stoomuch,toomuch."
Mywordsseemedhorribleeventomyself,buttheycouldnotbestopped,asiftheyhadanexistenceoftheirown.
"Ifwe'repoorandourmoney'sgone,whydon'twesellallourexpensiveclothes?Whydon'twesellthishouse?Ican
cangetajobworkingatthevillageoffice,andiftheywon'thiremethere,Icandocooliework.Povertyisnothing.Asl
me,allIwantistospendmywholelifebyyourside.ButyouloveNaojimorethanyouloveme,don'tyou?I'llgo.I'llg
abletogetalongwithNaojianditwouldonlybringunhappinesstoallthreeofusifIstayed.We'velivedtogetherfora
havenothingtoregretinourrelationship.NowyouandNaojicanstaytogether,justthetwoofyou.Ihopeforyoursake
goodsontoyou.I'msickofit.I'msickofthislife.I'llgo.I'llleavetoday,atonce.IhavesomewhereIcango."
Istoodup.
"Kazuko!"Motherspokeseverely.Herfacewasfilledwithadignityshehadnevershownmebefore.Whenshestoo

me,shelookedalmosttallerthanI.
Iwantedtobegherpardon,butthewordswouldnotcomefrommymouth.InsteadIutteredquitedifferentones."Y
me.Mother,you'vedeceivedme.YouwereusingmeuntilNaojicame.I'vebeenyourservant,andnowthatyounolong
sendingmeaway."
Iletoutacryandburstintotears.
"Youareveryfoolish."Mother'svoiceasshespokethesewordswasshakingwithanger.
Iliftedmyhead."Yes,Iam.I'vebeentakenadvantageofbecauseI'mafool.You'regettingridofmebecauseI'ma
isn'tit?Povertywhat'sthat?Moneywhat'sthat?Idon'tunderstandsuchthings.Ihadalwaysbelievedinlove,inm
inthatatleast."
AgainIspokeinthatstupid,unforgivableway.
Motherturnedherheadawayabruptly.Shewasweeping.Iwantedtobegherpardonandtoclingtoher,butmyhan
myworkinthefields,andthisinvoluntaryembarrassmentkeptmedistant."EverythingwillbeallrightifI'mnothere.I
somewhereIcango."
WiththesewordsIranofftothebathroomwhereIwashedmyfaceandhands,stillsobbing.Iwenttomyroom,cha
onlyonceagaintobeovercomewithweeping.Iwantedtoweepmore,more,untilIhaddrainedeverytearfrommybod
foreignstyleroomonthesecondfloor,threwmyselfonthebed,andcoveringmyheadintheblankets,weptmyveryfle
mymindbegantowanderaimlessly.Graduallyoutofmygrief,thedesireforacertainpersoncrystallizedinme,andIy
unbearablytoseehisface,tohearhisvoice.Ihadthatveryparticularsensationoneexperienceswhenthedoctorprescri
ofthesolesofone'sfeet,andonemustbearthepainwithoutflinching.
TowardeveningMothercamesoftlyintotheroomandswitchedonthelight.Sheapproachedthebedandcalledmy
gentlevoice.
Igotupandsatonthebed,sweepingbothhandsovermyhair.Ilookedatherfaceandsmiled.
Motheralsosmiledfaintlyandthensankintothesofaunderthewindow."Ihavejustdisobeyedyouruncleforthefi
life.Iwrotealetterinanswertohis,requestinghimtoleavemychildren'saffairstome.Kazuko,we'llsellourclothes.W
clothesoneafteranotherandusethemoneyjustasweplease,forwhateveruselessthingswefeellike.Let'sliveextrava
wanttoletyouworkinthefieldsanymore.Let'sbuyourvegetableseveniftheyareexpensive.It'sunreasonabletoexp
everydayworkinglikeafarmer."
Totellthetruth,thestrainofdailyworkinthefieldshadbeguntotakeitstoll.IamsurethatthereasonwhyIwepta
hadgoneoffmyheadwasthatthecombinationofphysicalexhaustionandmyunhappinesshadmademehateandresen
Isatonthebedinsilence,myeyesaverted.
"Kazuko."
"Yes."
"Whatdidyoumeanbysayingthatyouhadsomewheretogo?"
IcouldtellthatIhadturnedredtothenapeofmyneck.
"Mr.Hosoda?"
Ididnotanswer.
Mothergaveagreatsigh."MayIbringupsomethingthathappenedalongtimeago?"
"Pleasedo,"Iwhispered.
"WhenyouleftyourhusbandandreturnedtothehouseinNishikataStreet,Ididnotintendtosayawordofreproach
onethingthatmademesaythatyouhadbetrayedme.Doyouremember?YouburstintotearsandIrealizedthatIhadb
suchaterriblething."
ButmymemorywasthatIhadfeltgratefultoMotheratthetimefortalkingtomeinsuchaway,andmytearshadb
"WhenIsaidthatyouhadbetrayedmeitwasnotbecauseyouleftyourhusband'shouse.ItwasbecauseIhadlearne
youandthatpainterHosodawerelovers.Thatnewscameasaterribleshock.Mr.Hosodahadalreadybeenamarriedm
hadchildren.Iknewitcouldnevercometoanything,nomatterhowmuchyoulovedhim."
"Loverswhatathingtosay.Itwasnothingbutgroundlesssuspiciononmyhusband'spart."
"Perhaps.Idon'tsupposeyoucanstillbethinkingofMr.Hosoda.Wherewasitthenthatyoumeantwhenyousaidy

somewheretogo?"
"NottoMr.Hosoda's."
"Really?Thenwhere?"
"Mother,recentlyIhavediscoveredtheonewayinwhichhumanbeingsdiffercompletelyfromotheranimals.Man
language,knowledge,principles,andsocialorder,butdon'talltheotheranimalshavethemtoo,grantedthedifferenceo
theanimalsevenhavereligions.Manboastsofbeingthelordofallcreation,butitwouldseemasifessentiallyhedoesn
leastfromotheranimals.But,Mother,therewasonewayIthoughtof.Perhapsyouwon'tunderstand.It'safacultyabsol
manhavingsecrets.CanyouseewhatImean?"
Motherblushedfaintlyandgaveacharmingsmile."Ifyoursecretsonlybeargoodfruit,itwillbeallIcouldask.Ev
praytoyourfather'sspirittomakeyouhappy."
SuddenlythereflashedacrossmymindanimageofdrivingwithFatherthroughNasunoandgettingoutontheway,
autumnfieldslooked.Theautumnflowersasters,pinks,gentians,valerianswereallinbloom.Thewildgrapesweresti
LaterFatherandIboardedamotorboatatLakeBiwa.Ijumpedintothewater.Thelittlefishthatliveintheweedsbr
legs,andtheshadowofmylegs,distinctlyreflectedonthebottomofthelake,movedwithme.Thepictureborenorelat
MotherandIhadbeendiscussing,butitflashedintomymind,onlytovanish.
IslidoffthebedandthrewmyarmsaroundMother'sknees."Mother,pleaseforgiveme."Iwasatlastabletosayit.
Thosedays,asIrememberthemnow,werethelastinwhichthedyingembersofourhappinessstillglowed.OnceN
fromtheSouthPacific,ourrealhellbegan.

CHAPTERTHREE/MOONFLOWERS

Asensationofhelplessness,asifitwereutterlyimpossibletogoonliving.Painfulwavesbeatrelentlesslyonmyhe
thunderstormthewhitecloudsfranticallyscudacrossthesky.AterribleemotionshallIcallitanapprehensionwr
onlytoreleaseit,makesmypulsefalter,andchokesmybreath.Attimeseverythinggrowsmistyanddarkbeforemyey
thestrengthofmywholebodyisoozingawaythroughmyfingertips.
Oflateagloomyrainhasbeenfallingalmostincessantly.WhateverIdodepressesme.TodayItookawickerchairo
intendingtoworkagainonthesweaterwhichIbegantoknitthisspring.Thewoolisofasomewhatfadedrose,andIam
cobaltblueyarntomakeasweater.ThepalerosewooloriginallycamefromascarfthatMotherknittedformetwentyy
wasstillinelementaryschool.Theendofthescarfwasformedintoakindofskullcap,andwhenIputitonandlookeda
mirror,alittleimpstaredbackatme.Thescarfwasverydifferentincolorfromthescarvesmyschoolfriendswore,and
sufficedtomakemeloatheitwithanunreasoningfury.IfeltsoashamedtobeseeninitthatIhadrefusedtowearitaga
hadlainhiddenawayinadrawersomewhere.Thisspringitcametolight,andIunraveledit.Idecidedtomakeitintoa
myself,inthepiousintentionofresuscitatingadeadpossession.Butsomehowthefadedcolorfailedtointerestme,and
asideagain.Today,havingnothingelsetodo,Itookitoutonthespurofthemomentandidlybegantoknit.Itwasonly
knittingthatIrealizedthepaleroseofthewoolandthegreyoftheovercastskywereblendingintoone,makingaharmo
softandmildthatnowordscoulddescribeit.Ihadneversuspectedthattheimportantthingwastoconsiderthematcha
withthecolorofthesky.Whatabeautiful,wonderfulthingcolorharmonyis,Ithoughttomyself,rathersurprised.Itisa
whenoneunitesthegreyoftheskywiththepaleroseofthewool,bothcolorsatoncecomealive.ThewoolIheldinmy
vibrantwithwarmth,andthecoldrainyskywassoftasvelvet.IrememberedaMonetpaintingofacathedralinthemist
thankstothewool,Ihadforthefirsttimeunderstoodwhatgoodtasteis.Goodtaste.Motherhadchosenthepalerosew
knewjusthowlovelyitwouldlookagainstthesnowywintersky,butinmyfoolishnessIhaddislikedit.Ihadhadmyo
Motherneverattemptedtoforceanythingonme.DuringallthistimeMotherhadnotsaidawordofexplanationbuthad
twentyyearsuntilIwasabletoappreciatethebeautyofthecolormyself.IthoughtwhatawonderfulMotherIhad.Atth
cloudsofdreadandapprehensionsuddenlywelledupwithinmybreastasIwonderedwhetherNaojiandIbetweenusha
andweakenedMothertothepointofkillingher.ThemoreIreflectedthemorecertainitseemedthatthefuturehadinst
horrible,evilthings.ThethoughtfilledmewithsuchnamelessfearsthatIfeltalmostincapableofgoingonliving.Thes

fingers,andIdroppedmyknittingneedlesonmylap.Agreatsighshookme.Withmyeyesstillshut,Iliftedmyhead.B
whatIwasdoing,Ihadcried,"Mother!"
"Yes?"Mother,leaningoveradeskinacorneroftheroom,readingabook,answeredwithanoteofdoubtinhervoi
Iwasconfused.InanunnecessarilyloudvoiceIdeclared,"Theroseshavebloomedatlast.Didyouknowit,Mother
now.They'vebloomedatlast."
TherosesinfrontoftheporchhadbeenbroughtbacklongagobyUncleWadafromFranceorwasitEngland?at
distantcountryandhadnowbeentransplantedherefromourhouseinNishikataStreet.Ihadbeenfullyawarethism
themhadbloomed,buttocovermyembarrassinentIpretendedwithexaggeratedenthusiasmjusttohavediscoveredthe
ofadarkpurple,hadasombreprideandstrength.
"Yes,Iknew,"Mothersaidgently,adding,"Suchthingsseemveryimportanttoyou."
"Perhaps.Areyousorryforme?"
"No.Ionlymeanttosaythatitwastypicalofyou.It'sjustlikeyoutopastepicturesbyRenoironthekitchenmatch
handkerchiefsfordolls.Tohearyoutalkabouttherosesinthegarden,onewouldthinkyouwerediscussinglivepeople
"That'sbecauseIhaven'tanychildren."
Iwasquitetakenabackbymyownremark.Inervouslyfingeredtheknittingonmylap.ItwasasifIclearlycouldh
ascratchybass,likeavoiceonthetelephone,saying,"Whatdoyouexpectshe'stwentynine!"Mycheeksburnedwi
Mothermadenocommentbutwentbacktoherbook.Forsomedaysnowshehasbeenwearingagauzemaskoverh
thatmayhavebeenthecauseofherexceptionaltaciturnityoflate.SheworethemaskinobediencetoNaoji'sinstruction
NaojihadreturnedaweekorsobeforefromtheSouthPacific,hisfacesallow.Onesummerevening,withoutaword
hadburstintothegarden,slammingthewoodengatebehindhim."Whatahorror!Whatatrocioustasteforahouse!You
sign'ChinaMansions:ChowMein'!"
ThesewereNaoji'swordsofgreetingonfirstseeingme.
Motherhadtakentobedtwoorthreedaysbeforewithapaininhertongue.Icouldnotdetectanythingabnormalabo
tongue,butshesaidthattheslightestmovementhurtherunbearably.Atmealtimesshecouldonlygetdownathinsoup
thedoctorexamineher,butMothershookherheadandsaidwithaforcedsmile,"Hewouldonlylaughatme."Ipainted
Lugol,butithadnoapparenteffect.Mother'sillnessunnervedme.
Justatthisjuncture,Naojicame.
HesatforamomentbyMother'spillowandinclinedhisheadinawordofgreeting.Thatwasallheimmediately
andrushedofftoinspectthehouse.Ifollowedbehindhim.
"HowdoyoufindMother?Changed?"
"She'schangedallright.She'sgrownthin.It'dbebestforherifshediedsoon.PeoplelikeMamaarenotmeanttogo
aworldasthis.Shewastoopatheticevenformetolookather."
"Howaboutme?"
"You'vecoarsened.Yourfacelooksasifyou'vegottwoorthreemen.Isthereanysak?TonightI'mgoingtogetdru
Iwenttothevillageinnandbeggedtheproprietresstoletmehavealittlesak,inhonorofmybrother'sreturn,butI
theywereunfortunatelyjustoutofstock.WhenIrepeatedthisinformationtoNaoji,hisfacedarkenedintoanexpression
whichIneverbeforehadseen,andwhichmadehimastranger."Damnit!Youdon'tknowhowtodealwithher."Hegot
wheretheinnwasandrushedout.Thatwasthat.Iwaitedforhoursforhisreturn,butinvain.Ihadmadebakedapples,
favoritedishes,andanomelette,andhadevenputbrighterelectriclightsinthediningroomtoaddsomecheer.WhileI
Osaki,thegirlfromtheinn,putherheadinatthekitchendoorandwhisperedurgently,"Excuseme.Isitallright?He's
popeyesbulgedevenmorethanusual.
"Gin?Youmeanmethylalcohol?"
"No,it'snotmethyl,butjustthesame...."
"Itwon'tmakehimsickifhedrinksit,willit?"
"No,butstill....
"Lethimdrinkitthen."
Osakinoddedasifshewereswallowingandwentaway.

IreportedtoMother,"He'sdrinkingatOsaki'splace."
Mothertwistedhermouthalittleintoasmile."Hemusthavegivenupopium.Pleasefinishthedinner.Tonightwe'll
thisroom.PutNaoji'sbeddinginthemiddle."
IfeltasifIcouldweep.
Naojireturnedlatethatnight,thumpingloudlythroughthehouse.Thelarge,roomsizemosquitonetwasspreadope
uscreptinside.
LyingthereIaskedhim,"Whydon'tyoutellMothersomethingabouttheSouthSeas?"
"There'snothingtotell.Nothingatall.I'veforgotten.WhenIreturnedtoJapanandgotonthetrainthericefieldsloo
beautifulfromthetrainwindow.That'sall.Turnoutthelight.Ican'tsleep."
Iturnedoutthelight.Thesummermoonlightfloodedintothemosquitonetting.
ThenextmorningNaoji,lyinginbedandsmokingacigarette,lookedoutattheseainthedistance.
"Ihearyourtonguehurtsyou."HespokeasifhehadnoticedforthefirsttimethatMotherwasnotwell.
Mothermerelysmiledfeebly.
"I'msureit'spsychological.Youprobablysleepatnightwithyourmouthopen.Verycarelessofyou.Youshouldwe
SoaksomegauzeinRivanolsolutionandputitinsideamask."
Iexploded,"Whatkindoftreatmentdoyoucallthat?"
"It'scalledtheaesthetictreatment."
"ButI'msurethatMotherwouldhatewearingamask."
Motherdislikesputtinganythingonherface,evenglassesoraneyepatchifhereyelidsareinflamed,letaloneamas
Iasked,"Mother,willyouwearone?"
"Yes,Iwill."Hervoicewasearnest.Iwasquitetakenaback.Motherwasapparentlyresolvedtobelieveandobeyan
said.
AfterbreakfastIsoakedsomegauzeinRivanolsolution,asNaojihaddirected,foldeditintoamask,andtookittoM
accepteditwithoutawordandmeeklytiedthestringsaroundherears.Shelookedasshelaytherepatheticallylikealitt
ThatafternoonNaojiannouncedthathewouldhavetogotoTokyotoseehisfriends.Hechangedtoabusinesssuita
2,000yenfromMother.
Almosttendayshavegonebysincehisdeparture,andasyetthereisnosignwhenhewillreturn.EverydayMother
andwaitsforNaoji.Shehastoldmethatthemedicineisveryeffectiveandthatwearingthemaskgreatlyrelievesthepa
can'thelpfeeling,however,thatMotherisnottellingthetruth.Sheisoutofbednow,butherappetiteremainspoorand
speaks.Iamworriedabouther,andIwonderwhatcanbekeepingNaojisolong.Nodoubtheisamusinghimselfwithth
UeharaandisatthismomentbeingsuckedintothefrenziedwhirlpoolofTokyo.ThemoreIletmythoughtsrunalongs
bitterermylifeseems.ItisasureindicationthatIamatlastlosingcontrolofmyselfwhenIburstoutfornogoodreason
theactivitiesoftherosesormentionthefactIhaven'tanychildrenlapsesIwouldneverhavebelievedmyselfcapable
MyknittingfellasIstoodupwithacryofdismay.Ifeltatanutterlosswhattodowithmyself.Withshakinglimbs,
stairstotheforeignstyleroomonthesecondfloor.
ThisistobeNaoji'sroom.FourorfivedaysagoMotherandIsettledthis,andIaskedMr.Nakaitohelpmemovein
andbookcases,fiveorsixwoodencratesstuffedwithbooksandpapers,andvariousotherobjectsinshort,everythingth
roominouroldhouseinNishikataStreet.WedecidedtoawaithisreturnfromTokyobeforeweputthewardrobeandbo
notknowingwherehewouldlikethem.Theroomwassoclutteredthattherewasscarcelyspaceenoughtoturnaround.
pickeduponeofNaoji'snotebooksfromanopencrate.Thewords"MoonflowerJournal"werewrittenonthecover.The
tohavebeenkeptwhileNaojiwassufferingfromnarcoticpoisoning.

Asensationofburningtodeath.Andexcruciatingthoughitis,Icannotpronounceeventhesimplewords"ithurts."
shrugoffthisportentofahellunparalleled,uniqueinthehistoryofman,bottomless!
Philosophy?Lies.Principles?Lies.Ideals?Lies.Order?Lies.Sincerity?Truth?Purity?Alllies.Theysaythewister

areathousandyearsold,andthewisteriaofKumanodatefromcenturiesago.IhaveheardthatwisteriaclustersatUs
maximumlengthofninefeet,andthoseatKumanoofoverfivefeet.Myheartdancesonlyinthoseclustersofwisteriabl
Thattooissomebody'schild.Itisalive.
Logic,inevitably,istheloveoflogic.Itisnottheloveforlivinghumanbeings.
Moneyandwomen.Logic,intimidated,scampersoffprecipitously.
ThecourageoustestimonyofDr.Faustthatamaiden'ssmileismorepreciousthanhistory,philosophy,education,r
politics,economics,andalltheotherbranchesoflearning.
Learningisanothernameforvanity.Itistheeffortofhumanbeingsnottobehumanbeings.

IcanswearevenbeforeGoethethatIamasuperblygiftedwriter.Flawlessconstruction,theproperleaveningofhu
bringtearstothereader'seyesorelseadistinguishednovel,perfectofitskind,tobereadaloudsonorouslywiththe
this(shallIcallitrunningcommentaryonafilm?)IclaimIcouldwritewereInotashamed.There'ssomethingfundame
aboutsuchawarenessofgenius.Onlyamadmanwouldreadanovelwithdeference.Inthatcaseithadbestbedoneinf
likegoingtoafuneral.Solongasitdoesnotseemasaffectedasagoodwork!Iwillwritemynovelclumsily,deliberate
ofit,justtoseeasmileofgenuinepleasureonmyfriend'sfacetofallonmybottomandpatteroffscratchingmyhead
friend'shappyface!
Whatisthisaffectionwhichwouldmakemeblowthetoybugleofbadproseandbadcharactertoproclaim,"Hereis
inJapan!Comparedtome,you'reallrightbeofgoodhealth!"
Friend!Youwhorelatewithasmugface,"That'shisbadhabit,whatapity!"Youdonotknowthatyouareloved.
Iwonderifthereisanyonewhoisnotdepraved.Awearisomethought.
Iwantmoney.
UnlessIhaveit....
Inmysleep,anaturaldeath!

Ihaverunupadebtofclosetoathousandyenwiththepharmacist.TodayIsurreptitiouslyintroducedaclerkfrom
intothehouseandusheredhimtomyroom.Iasked,"Isanythingherevaluableenoughtopawn?Ifthereis,takeitaway
desperateneedofmoney."
Theclerk,withscarcelyaglanceattheroom,hadtheeffronterytosay,"Whydon'tyouforgetthewholeidea?After
doesn'tbelongtoyou."
"Verywell!"Isaidwithanimation,"justtakethethingsIhaveboughtwithmyownpocketmoney."Butnotaoneof
endsIpiledbeforehimhadanyvalueasapledge.
Item.Ahandinplaster.ThiswastherighthandofVenus.Ahandlikeadahliablossom,apurewhitehand,mounted
youlookedatitcarefullyyoucouldtellhowthispurewhite,delicatehand,withwhorllessfingertipsandunmarkedpal
pitifullythateventhebeholderwasstabbedwithpain,theshameintenseenoughtomakeVenusstopherbreath;intheg
implicitthemomentwhenVenus'fullnakednesswasseenbyaman,whenshetwistedawayherbody,flushedalloverwi
warmthofhershock,thewhirlwindofhershame,andthetragedyofhernudity.Unfortunately,thiswasonlyapieceofb
clerkvalueditatfiftysen.
Items.AlargemapofthesuburbsofParis.Acelluloidtopalmostafootindiameter.Aspecialpenpointwithwhich
lettersfinerthanthreads.Allthingsboughtbymeundertheimpressionthattheyweregreatbargains.
Theclerklaughedandsaid,"Imustbeleavingnow."
"Wait!"Icried,holdinghimback.Ifinallymanagedtoloadhimdownwithanimmensestackofbooksforwhichhe
Thebooksonmyshelveswere,withafewexceptions,cheappaperboundeditions,andatthatIhadboughtthemsecond
surprisingthattheyfetchedsolittle.

Tosettleadebtofathousandyenfiveyen.Thatisapproximatelymyeffectivestrength.Itisnolaughingmatter.
Butratherthanthepatronizing"Butbeingdecadentistheonlywaytosurvive!"ofsomewhocriticizeme,Iwouldfa
simplytogoanddie.It'sstraightforward.Butpeoplealmostneversay,"Die!"Paltry,prudenthypocrites!
Justice?That'snotwhereyou'llfindthesocalledclassstruggle.Humanity?Don'tbesilly.Iknow.Itisknockingdow
menforthesakeofyourownhappiness.Itisakilling.Whatmeaninghasitunlessthereisaverdictof"Die!"It'snouse
Therearen'tanydecentpeopleinourclasseither.Idiots,specters,pennypinchers,maddogs,braggarts,highflown
abovetheclouds.
"Die!"JusttobevouchsafedthatwordwouldbefarmorethanIdeserve.
Thewar.Japan'swarisanactofdesperation.
Todiebybeingsuckedintoanactofdesperation...nothanks.Ihadratherdiebymyownhand.

Peoplealwaysmakeaseriousfacewhentheytellalie.Theseriousnessofourleadersthesedays!Pooh!

Iwanttospendmytimewithpeoplewhodon'tlooktoberespected.Butsuchgoodpeoplewon'twanttospendtheir

WhenIpretendedtobeprecocious,peoplestartedtherumorthatIwasprecocious.WhenIactedlikeanidler,rumo
idler.WhenIpretendedIcouldn'twriteanovel,peoplesaidIcouldn'twrite.WhenIactedlikealiar,theycalledmeali
likearichman,theystartedtherumorIwasrich.WhenIfeignedindifference,theyclassedmeastheindifferenttype.B
advertentlygroanedbecauseIwasreallyinpain,theystartedtherumorthatIwasfakingsuffering.
Theworldisoutofjoint.

Doesn'tthatmeanineffectthatIhavenochoicebutsuicide?
Inspiteofmysuffering,atthethoughtthatIwassuretoendupbykillingmyself,Icriedaloudandburstintotears.

Thereisthestoryofhowonamorninginspringasthesunshoneonabranchofplumwheretwoorthreeblossoms
youngstudentofHeidelbergwasdanglingfromthebranch,dead.

"Mama,scoldmeplease!"
"Whatfor?"
"TheysayI'maweakling."
"Dothey?Aweakling....Idon'tthinkIneedscoldyouaboutthatanymore."
Mama'sgoodnessisunsurpassed.WheneverIthinkofher,Iwanttocry.IwilldiebywayofapologytoMama.

Pleaseforgiveme.Justthisonce,pleaseforgiveme.

(NewYear'sPoem)
Theyears!
Stillquiteblind
Thelittlestorkchicks
Aregrowingup.
Ah!howtheyfatten!

Morphine,atromol,narcopon,philipon,pantopon,pabinal,panopin,atropin.

Whatisselfesteem?Selfesteem!
Itisimpossibleforahumanbeingno,amantogoonlivingwithoutthinking"Iamoneoftheelite,""Ihavemy
etc.
Idetestpeople,amdetestedbythem.
Testofwits.

Solemnity=feelingofidiocy.

Anyway,youcanbesureofonething,aman'sgottofakejusttostayalive.

Aletterrequestingaloan:
"Youranswer.
Pleaseanswer.
Andinsuchawaythatitwillbegoodtidingsforme.
Iammoaningtomyselfintheexpectationofhumiliationsofeverysort.
Iamnotputtingonanact.Absolutelynot.
Ibegitofyou.
IfeelasifIwilldieofshame.
Iamnotexaggerating.
Everyday,everyday,Iwaitforyouranswer;nightanddayItrembleallover.
Donotmakemeeatdirt.
Icanhearasmotheredlaughfromthewalls.LateatnightItossinmybed.
Donothumiliateme.
Mysister!"

Havingreadthatmuch,Ishutthe"MoonflowerJournal"andreturnedittothewoodencrate.Iwalkedtothewindow
andlookingdownonthegardensmokywithwhiterain,Irememberedtheeventsofthosedays.
Sixyearshavealreadypassedsincethen.Naoji'sdrugaddictioneventuallyledtomydivorce.No,Ishouldn'tsaytha
feelingthatmydivorcewassettledfromthemomentIwasborn,thatevenifNaojihadnotbeenaddictedtodrugsthedi
occurredsoonerorlaterforsomeothercause.Naojiwasindifficultiesaboutpayingthepharmacistandfrequentlyimpo
money.Ihadjustbeenmarriedandcouldnotbeentirelyfreeaboutmoney.Besides,Ifeltstronglythatitwasmostimpr
slipfurtivelyintothehandsofmybrothermoneyIhadreceivedfrommyhusband.Aftertalkingthematteroverwithmy
hadcomewithmefrommymother'shouse,Idecidedtosellmybracelets,necklaces,anddresses.Naojihadsentmeale
"IfeelsuchanguishandshamethatIcan'tbeartomeetyouoreventotalktoyouoverthetelephone.Pleasesendthemo
theapartment[hegavetheaddress]ofthenovelistUeharaJiro,whomI'msureyoumustknow,atleastbyname.Mr.Ue
reputationofbeinganevilman,butheisnotactuallylikethatatall,andthereisnoneedtoworryaboutsendingmethe
address.IhavearrangedwithUeharatoletmeknowimmediatelybytelephonewhenthemoneyarrives,sopleasedoitt
keepmyaddictionfromMama,atleast.SomehowIintendtocuremyselfbeforeshelearnsofit.IfIgetthemoneyfrom
willpaybackthepharmacistallthatIowehim.Imaygoafterwardtoourvillainthemountainstorecuperate.Ireallym
paybackmywholedebtIintendtogiveupdrugscompletely.IswearittoGod.Pleasebelieveme.Pleasekeepitasecre
andsendthemoneytoMr.Uehara's."
Thatismoreorlesswhatwasintheletter.IfollowedhisdirectionsandhadOsekitakethemoneysecretlytoMr.Ue
butthepromiseinNaoji'sletterwas,asalways,false.Hedidn'tgotothevillatorecuperate.Instead,hisdrugtakingseem
intoakindofpoisoningandgrownsteadilymoreserious.Thestyleofthelettershesentimploringmeformoneytooko
tonewhichwasallbutashriek.EachtimeIreadhiswords"Ipromisetogiveupdrugsnow,"followedbyanoathsohea
mademewanttoturnmyfaceawayfromthepaper,Irealizedperfectlywellthathemightbelyingagain,but1wouldn
OsekiouttosellapieceofjewelryandtotakethemoneytoMr.Uehara.
"WhatsortofmanisMr.Uehara?"
"He'sashort,dark,disagreeableman,"Osekianswered,adding,"buthe'sseldomathomewhenIcall.Usuallythere'
alittlegirlaboutsixyearsold.Hiswifeisnotparticularlypretty,butsheseemsasweet,intelligentperson.Youdon'tha
entrustingyourmoneytoaladylikeher."
IfyouweretocomparewhatIwaslikethentowhatIamlikenowno,Iwassodifferentthatnocomparisonispossi
headinthecloudsandwasalwaysveryeasygoing.Allthesame,Ibegantobeterriblyworriedwhatwithonesumofm
beingextortedfromme,andthewholethinggraduallyassumedtheproportionsofanightmare.Oneday,returningfrom
backthecarandwalkedbymyselftoMr.Uehara'sapartment.
Mr.Ueharawasaloneinhisroomreadinganewspaper.HewasdressedinaJapanesecostumewhichmadehimlook
thesametime.IreceivedastrangefirstimpressionasiffromararebeastthatIhadneverbeforeseen.
"Mywifehasgonewiththechildtocollecttherations."Hisvoicewasslightlynasal,andheclippedhiswords.Hes
mistakenmeforafriendofhiswife's.WhenItoldhimthatIwasNaoji'ssister,Mr.Ueharabarkedalaugh.Acoldshive
me;Idon'tknowwhy.
"Shallwegoout?"Scarcelyhadheutteredthesewordsthanhethrewonacloak,steppedintoanewpairofsandals,
aheadofmeintothehallway.
Anearlywinter'sevening.Thewindwasicy.Itfeltasifitwereblowinginfromtheriver.Mr.Ueharawalkedinsile
shoulderslightlyraisedasifagainstthewind.Ifollowedbehindhim,halfrunning.
WeenteredthebasementofabuildingbehindtheTokyoTheatre.Fourorfivegroupsofcustomersweresittingarou
narrowroom,quietlydrinking.
Mr.Ueharadrankhissakefromatumbler,insteadoftheusuallittlecup.Heaskedthemtobringanotherglassando
dranktwoglassfulsbutdidnotfeelanything.
Mr.Ueharadrankandsmoked,stillwithoututteringaword.ThiswasthefirsttimeinmylifethatIhadevercometo

Ifeltquiteathomeandratherhappy.
"Liquorwouldbebetter,butstill...."
"Excuseme?"
"Imean,yourbrother.Itwouldbeagoodthingifheswitchedtosomekindofalcohol.Iwasonceadopeaddictmys
ago,andIknowwhatapoorviewpeopletakeofit.Alcoholisthesamesortofthing,butaboutthatthey'resurprisingly
I'llmakeanalcoholicofyourbrother.Howdoesthatsuityou?"
"Ioncesawanalcoholic.IwasabouttosetoutonNewYear'scallswhenInoticedafriendofourchauffeur'switha
faceasleepinthecarandsnoringloudly.IwassosurprisedthatIscreamed.Thedrivertoldmethemanwasahopeless
draggedthemanoutofthecarandslunghimoverhisshoulders.Theman'sbodyfloppedaboutasifhehadn'tanybones
hekeptmumblingsomething.ThatwasthefirsttimeIeversawanalcoholic.Itwasfascinating."
"I'malsoanalcoholic,youknow."
"Oh,butnotthesamekind,areyou?"
"Andsoareyou,analcoholic."
"No,thatisn'ttrue.I'veseenarealalcoholic,andit'sentirelydifferent."
Mr.Ueharaforthefirsttimegaveagenuinesmile."Thenperhapsyourbrotherwon'tbeabletobecomeanalcoholic
itwouldbeagoodideaforhimtotakeupdrinking.Let'sgo.Youdon'twanttobelate,doyou?"
"Itdoesn'tmakeanydifference."
"Totellthetruth,thisplaceistoocrowdedforme.Waitress!Thebill."
"Isitveryexpensive?Ifitisn'ttoomuch,Ihavealittlemoneywithme."
"Inthatcase,youtakecareofthebill."
"Theremaynotbeenough."IlookedinsidemybagandtoldMr.UeharahowmuchmoneyIhad.
"Withthatmuchyouhaveenoughtodrinkattwoorthreemoreplaces.Don'tbesilly."Hespokewithascowl,thenl
"Wouldyouliketogodrinkingsomewhereelse?"
Heshookhishead."No,I'vehadenough.I'llgetataxiforyou.Youhadbettergoback."
Weclimbedupthedarkstairsfromthebasement.Mr.Uehara,whowasonestepaheadofme,turnedaroundsudden
quickkiss.Itookhiskisswithmylipstightlyshut.Ifeltnospecialattractionforhim,butallthesame,fromthatmomen
cameintobeing.Mr.Ueharaclatteredupthestairs,andIslowlyfollowed,withastrangelytransparentfeeling.WhenIs
thewindfromtheriverfeltwonderfulagainstmycheek.
Hehailedataxiforme,andweseparatedwithoutsayinganything.
Ifelt,asIwastossedinthedecrepitoldtaxi,asiftheworldhadsuddenlyopenedwideasthesea.
Oneday,whenIwasfeelingdepressedafteraquarrelwithmyhusband,Isuddenlytookitinmyheadtosay,"Ihave
"Iknow.It'sHosoda,isn'tit?Can'tyoupossiblygivehimup?"
Iremainedsilent.
Whenevertherewasanyunpleasantnessbetweenmyhusbandandmyself,thismatterwouldalwaysbebroughtup."
Ithought.Itwaslikebuyingthewrongmaterialforadressonceyouhavecutityoucan'tsewthematerialtogetherag
bestthrowthewholethingawayandstartafreshonanotherpieceofmaterial.
OnenightmyhusbandaskedmeifthechildIwascarryingwasHosoda's.IwassofrightenedthatIshookallover.I
myhusbandandIwerebothveryyoung.Ididnotknowwhatlovewas.Ididnotevenunderstandsimpleaffection.Iwa
Mr.Hosoda'spicturesthatIusedtotellpeopleImetthateverydayofone'slifewouldbefilledwithbeautyifonewere
man,andthatmarriagewasmeaninglessunlessitweretoamanwithtastelikehis.Andsoeveryonemisunderstood,and
nothingofloveoraffection,wouldpubliclysaywithoutanyembarrassmentthatIlovedMr.Hosoda.Ineverattemptedt
words,whichmadethingsterriblycomplicated.Thatwaswhyeventhelittleinfantthensleepingwithinmebecamethe
husband'ssuspicions.Althoughneitherofusopenlyspokeofdivorce,theatmospheregrewincreasinglychilly,andIret
mother'shouse.Thechildwasstillborn.Itookillandwasconfinedtomybed.Myrelationswithmyhusbandhadcome
Naoji,perhapsfeelingakindofresponsibilityformydivorce,bellowedthathewoulddie,andhisfacedecomposed
askedhimhowmuchhestillowedthepharmacist.Hementionedafantasticallylargefigure.LaterIlearnedthatNaojih
unabletoconfesstheactualamount,whichwasclosetothreetimeswhathetoldme.

Isaid,"I'vemetyourMr.Uehara.He'sadelightfulman.Don'tyouthinkitwouldbeamusingifthethreeofuswent
sometime?Iwassimplyamazedhowcheapsakeis.Aslongasyousticktosake,Icanalwaysfootthebill.Anddon'two
thepharmacist.Itwillbearrangedsomehow."
NaojiseemedenchantedthatIhadmetandlikedMr.Uehara.Thatnight,assoonashehadobtainedmoneyfromme
Mr.Uehara'splace.
Addictionisperhapsasicknessofthespirit.IpraisedMr.Ueharaandborrowedhisnovelsfrommybrother.WhenI
toldNaojiwhatawonderfulwriterIthoughtMr.Uehara.NaojiwasastonishedthatIcouldunderstandhim,butseemed
thesame,andmademereadotherworksbyMr.Uehara.BeforeIknewitIhadbeguntoreadhisnovelsinearnest,andN
gossipedagreatdealabouthim.NaojistaggeredoffalmosteverynighttodrinkingpartiesatMr.Uehara's.Bitbybit,as
planned,Naojiwasswitchingtoalcohol.WithoutNaoji'sknowledge,IaskedMotherwhattodoaboutthepharmacist'sb
herfacewithonehandandforawhilesatmotionless.Presentlyshelookedupandsaidwithasmile,"Ican'tthinkofany
don'tknowhowmanyyearsitmaytake,butwe'llhavetopaybackalittleeachmonth."
Sixyearshavegonebysincethen.
Moonflowers.Yes,itmusthavebeenpainfulforNaoji,too.Evennowhispathisblocked,andheprobablystillhas
doinwhatway.Hisdrinkingeverydaymustbeonlyinthehopeofdeath.
IwonderhowitwouldbeifIletgoandyieldedmyselftorealdepravity.PerhapsthatmightmakethingseasierforN
"Iwonderifthereisanyonewhoisnotdepraved,"Naojiwroteinhisnotebook.Thosewordsmademefeeldepraved
uncleandevenMothersomehowthenseemeddepraved.Perhapsbydepravityheactuallymeanttenderness.

CHAPTERFOUR/LETTERS

Icouldn'tmakeupmymindwhethertowritetohimorwhattodo.Then,thismorningthewordsofJesus"wisea
harmlessasdoves"flashedintomyheadandinasuddenburstofcourageIdecidedtowritehimaletter.

IamNaoji'ssister.Ifyouhaveforgottenme,pleasetrytoremember.
ImustapologizethatNaojihasagainbeensuchanuisanceandcausedyousuchbother.(Asamatteroffact,Icanno
thatNaoji'saffairsareforNaojitodecide,anditisnonsensicalformetoofferanapology.)TodayIamwritingtoasky
forNaojibutformyself.IheardfromNaojithatyouroldplacewasdestroyedduringthewarandthatyouhavesincem
presentaddress.Ihadthoughtofpayingavisittoyourhouse(whichseemstobeveryfaroutinthesuburbsfromTokyo
mother'shealthhasbeenratherpoor,andIcan'tpossiblyleavehertogouptoTokyo.ThatiswhyImadeupmymindto
letter.
ThereissomethingIwouldliketodiscusswithyou.
ThematterIhavetodiscussmayappearextremelydubiousfromthepointofviewoftheusual"EtiquetteforYoungW
apositivecrime,but1no,wecannotgoonlivingaswehave.Imustthereforeaskyou,thepersonwhommybrothe
mostinthewholeworld,tobesokindastolistentomyplain,unadornedfeelingsandtogivemethebenefitofyourguid
Mypresentlifeisunendurable.Itisnotamatteroflikeordislikewe(mymother,Naoji,andmyself)cannotpo
livingthisway.
YesterdayIwasinpainandfeverish.Iwashardlyabletobreatheandfeltatacompletelosswhattodowithmyself.
lunchthegirlfromthefarmer'shousedowntheroadcameintherainwithaloadofriceonherback.Ihandedovertoh
hadpromised.Thegirlsatfacingmeinthediningroom,andasshedranksometeashesaid,inareallydowntoeartht
longercanyougoonbysellingyourthings?"
"Sixmonths.Perhapsayear,"Ianswered.Then,halfcoveringmyfacewithmyrighthand,Imumured,"I'msleepy.
sleepy."

"You'reexhausted.It'snervousexhaustion."
"Youmayberight."Atthismoment,asIstoodonthevergeoftears,thewords"realism"and"romanticism"welledu
havenosenseofrealism.Andthatthisveryfactmightbewhatpermitsmetogoonlivingsendscoldchillsthroughmyw
Motherishalfaninvalidandspendsasmuchtimeinbedasup.Naoji,asyouknow,ismentallyverysick.Whileheishe
ofhistimeatthelocaldrinkingplace,andonceeverycoupleofdayshetakeswhatevermoneywehavefromsellingour
offtoTokyo.Butthatisnotwhathurtsme.IamafraidbecauseIcansoclearlyforeseemyownliferottingawayofitself
rotswithoutfalling,whileIpursuemyroundofexistencefromdaytoday.ThatiswhatIfindimpossibletobear,andwh
frommypresentlife,evenifitmeansviolatingthewholecodeofyoungladies'etiquette.AndnowIamaskingyouradvi
IwantnowtomakeanopendeclarationtomymotherandtoNaoji.IwanttostatewithabsoluteclaritythatIhaveb
sometimewithacertainman,andthatIintendinthefuturetoliveashismistress.Iamquitesureyouknowwhoitis.H
M.C.Wheneveranythingpainfulcomesup,Iamseizedwiththedesiretorushtohishouseanddieoflovewithhim.
M.C.likeyourselfhasawifeandchild.HealsoseemstohavewomenfriendsmorebeautifulandyoungerthanI.Bu
cannotgoonlivingexceptbygoingtohim.IhavenevermetM.C.'swife,butIhearthatsheisaverysweetandgoodpe
thinkofher,Iseeminmyowneyesadreadfulwoman.Ifeel,though,thatmypresentlifeisevenmoredreadful,andnoc
makemerefrainfromappealingtoM.C.Iwouldliketofulfillmylove"wiseastheserpentandharmlessasthedove,"bu
noone,notmymotherorNaojiortherestoftheworld,willapproveofme.Iwonderaboutyou.Inshort,Ihavenochoi
thingsoutmyselfandacthoweveritseemsbesttome.Thethoughtbringstears.ThisisthefirstthingIhaveeverhad,an
thereisawaytocarryitthroughtothecongratulationsofthosearoundme.IhavestrainedmymentalpowersasifIwe
oftheanswertosometerriblycomplicatedprobleminalgebra,untilatlastIhavecometofeelthatthereisasinglepoin
wholethingmaybeunraveled,andsuddenlyIhavebecomecheerful.
ButwhatdoesmypreciousM.C.thinkofme?That'sadishearteningquestion.Youmightcallmeaselfstyledwha
can'tsayselfstyledwifeperhapsa"selfstyledlover."Withthatthesituation,ifM.C.sayshereallycan'tendureme,Ih
tosay.Ihaveafavortoaskofyou.Couldyoupleaseaskhim?Onedaysixyearsagoafaintpalerainbowformedinmy
loveorpassion,butthecolorsoftherainbowhavedeepenedandintensifiedastimehasgoneby.NeveroncehaveIlost
rainbowthatspanstheskywhenitclearsafterashowersoonfadesaway,buttherainbowinaperson'sheartdoesnots
thatway.Pleaseaskhim.Iwonderwhathereallythinksofme.Iwonderifhehasthoughtofmeasofarainbowinthes
Andhasitalreadyfadedaway?
Ifithas,Imusterasemyownrainbow.ButunlessIfirsterasemylife,therainbowinmybreastwillnotfadeaway.
Iprayforananswer.
ToMr.UeharaJiro.(MyChekhov.M.C.)
P.S.Ihaverecentlybeenputtingonalittleweight.IthinkitislessthatIamturningintoabrutecreaturethanthatI
becomehuman.ThissummerIreadanovel(justone)byD.H.Lawrence.

Noanswerhascomefromyou,andIamwritingagain.TheletterIsenttheotherdaywasunderhandedandfullofsn
thatyousawthrougheveryoneofthem.Yes,it'strue.Itriedtoinsertamaximumofcunningintoeverylineoftheletter.
youthoughtthatmypurposewasmerelytoelicitmoneyfromyoutosavemylife.Idon'tdenythis.However,Iwouldlike
you'llexcusemeforsayingso,thatifmyonlywishwasforapatronIshouldnothavechosenyouespecially.Ihavethei
quiteafewricholdmenwouldbewillingtocareforme.Asamatteroffact,notlongagoIhadsomethinglikeapropos
knowthegentleman'snameheisawidoweroversixty,amemberoftheAcademyofArts,Ibelieve;thisgreatartistca
mountainsinordertoaskmyhand.HeusedtobeaneighborofourswhenwelivedinNishikataStreet,andwemethim
neighborhoodmeetings.Once,itwasaneveninginautumnasIrecall,whenMotherandIpassedinourcarinfrontoft
hewasstandingabsentmindedlybyhisgate.Mothernoddedslightlytohimfromthecarwindow,atwhichhispeevish,
suddenlyturnedabrilliantred.
"Iwonderifitcanbelove,"Isaidplayfully."He'sinlovewithyou,Mother!"
"No,"Mothercalmlyanswered,asiftoherself."He'sagreatman."

Itseemstobeourfamily'scustomtohonorartists.
TheartistsentaproposalformyhandtoMother,bywayofacertainprince,oneofUncleWada'scronies,explainin
hiswifesomeyearsago.MothersuggestedthatImakeadirectreplytotheartistinwhateverwayIsawfit.Withoutgivi
thought,IdashedoffanotetotheeffectthatIhadatpresentnointentionofremarrying.
"Youdon'tmindifIrefuse?"IaskedMother.
"Ididn'tmyselfthinkitwasalikelymatch."
IsentmyletterofrefusaltotheartistathisvillaintheJapanAlps.Twodayslaterheturnedupwithoutwarning,ha
knowledgeofmyanswerbecausehehadleftbeforemyletterreachedhim.Hesentwordthathewasonhiswaytoahot
askedtopayabriefcall.Artists,whatevertheirage,seemtoindulgeinthemostchildish,irresponsiblepranks.
Motherwasnotfeelingwell,andImyselfreceivedhimintheChineseroom.Isaidwhilepouringtea,"Iimaginetha
refusalmusthavereachedyourhousebynow.Icarefullyconsideredyouroffer,butitsomehowdidn'tseempossible."
"Indeed?"hesaidwithsomeimpatience.Hewipedawaytheperspiration."Ihopethatyouwillreconsider.Perhaps
shallIsayitgiveyouwhatmightbecalledspiritualhappiness,butIcanontheotherhandmakeyouveryhappyina
ThatatleastIcanassureyou.IhopeIdon'tspeaktoobluntly...."
"Idon'tunderstandthathappinessyouspeakof.Itmayseemveryimpertinent,butIcanonlyanswer,'No,thankyou
Nietzchedescribedas'awomanwhowantstogivebirthtoachild.'Iwantachild.Happinessdoesnotinterestme.Ido
butjustenoughtobeabletobringupmychild."
Theartistgaveanoddsmile."Youareaveryunusualwoman.Youcanputintowordswhateveryonehasthought.To
mightcausefreshinspirationtocomeintomywork."
Hesaidthisratheraffectedthinginamannerquiteunlikeanoldman.Thethoughtoccurredtomethatifthroughm
workofsogreatanartistcouldreallyberejuvenated,thistoowouldcertainlybeareasontogoonliving.Butnostretch
imaginationenabledmetovisualizemyselfintheartist'sarms.
Iaskedwithalittlesmile,"Doesn'titmakeanydifferencetoyouthatIdon'tloveyou?"
Heansweredseriously,"Itdoesn'tmatterforawoman.Awomancanbevague."
"Butawomanlikemyselfcannotthinkofmarriagewithoutlove.Iamfullygrown.NextyearIwillbethirty."Iwast
ownwords.
Thirty."Somethingofthemaiden'sfragrancelingerswithawomanuntilsheistwentynine,butnothingisleftabout
womanofthirtyyears."AtthesuddenrecollectionofthesewordsfromaFrenchnovelIhadreadlongago,Iwasassaile
melancholyIcouldnotdriveaway.Ilookedoutside.Thesea,bathedinthenoonglare,glitteredwiththedazzlingintens
brokenglass.IrememberedthatwhenIhadreadthosewordsinthenovel,Ihadlightlyassented,thinkingthemprobabl
sharpnostalgiaforthosedayswhenIcouldthinkwithequanimitythatawoman'slifewasoveratthirty.Iwonderedifth
fragranceofmybodywasfadingawaywitheachbracelet,necklace,anddressthatIsold.Awretched,middleagedwom
amiddleagedwoman'slifecontainsawoman'slife,doesn'tit?ThatiswhatIhavecomeoflatetounderstand.Irememb
teacher,anEnglishwoman,saidtome,thenagednineteen,whenshewasabouttoreturntohercountry.
"Youshouldneverfallinlove.Lovewillbringyouunhappiness.Ifyoumustlove,letitbewhenyouareolder,aftery
Herwordscouldonlyarouseinmeadumbincredulity.Itwasquiteimpossibleformeatthetimeeventoimaginelif
Theartistsuddenlyspoke,hisvoiceedgedwithspite,"I'veheardarumorthatyouaresellingthehouse.Iwonderif
Ilaughed."Excuseme,butIjustrememberedTheCherryOrchard.Isupposeyouwouldliketobuyit?"
Hetwistedhismouthinanangryscowlanddidnotanswer.Artistthathewas,hewasquicktoguessmymeaning.
Itwastruethattherehadbeentalkofsellingthehousetoaprince,butithadnevercometoanything,andIwassurp
artisthadevenheardtherumor.ButthatweshouldhavebeenthinkingofhimintermsofLopakhininTheCherryOrcha
distastefulthathequitelosthisgoodhumor,andafterafewminutesmoreofsmalltalk,heleft.
WhatIaskofyounowisnotthatyoubeaLopakhin.ThatmuchIcanwarrantyou.Butpleaselistentothepresumpt
agedwoman.
Itisalreadysixyearssincewemet.AtthetimeIknewnothingaboutyouexceptthatyouweremybrother'steacher,
ratherpeculiarteacher.Wedranksaketogetherfromglasses,andyouwerealittlebold.Thatdidn'tbotherme.Itonlyg
curioussensationofbuoyancy.Ididn'tlikeordislikeyouIhadnofeelingatall.Later,inordertopleasemybrother,

ofyournovelsfromhimandreadthem.SometimesIfoundtheminteresting,sometimesnot.IconfessIwasnotaverypa
Butduringthepastsixyears,fromjustwhenIcan'tsay,theremembranceofyouhassoakedintomelikesomeallperva
whatwedidthatnightonthestairsfromthebasementhasreturnedtomewithabsolutevividness.Ifeelsomehowasift
vitalenoughtodecidemyfate.Imissyou.Perhaps,Ithink,itmaybelove,andatthispossibilityIhavefeltsoutterlyfor
sometimesyieldedtouncontrolledweeping.Youarecompletelyunlikeothermen.Iamnotinlovewithanauthor,likeN
Gull.Iamnotfascinatedbynovelists.Ifyouthinkmea"literarylady"oranythingofthekind,youareoffthetrack.Iwa
you.
PerhapsifIhadmetyoulong,longago,whenyouandIwerebothstillsingle,wemighthavemarried,andIshould
mypresentsufferings,butIhaveresignedmyselftothefactthatIshallneverbeabletomarryyou.Formetoattemptto
wifewouldbelikeanactofbruteforce,andIshouldhatemyselfforit.Iamwillingtobecomeyourmistress.(Ireallyca
word,butwhenIwasonthepointofwriting"lover,"IrealizedthatImeantwhatpeoplegenerallydobytheword"mistr
decidedtobeblunt.)Igatherthattheusualmistresshasahardlot.Theysaythatsheisabandonedassoonasshecease
andthataman,whateversortofmanhemaybe,willalwaysreturntohiswifewhenheapproachessixty.Irememberhe
andtheoldmanofNishikataStreetdiscussingthismatterandconcludingthatamistresswasonethingawomanshould
Buttheyweretalkingaboutanordinarymistress,andIfeelthatourcaseisdifferent.
Ibelievethatyourworkisthemostpreciousthingintheworldtoyou,andthatifyoulikeme,becomingintimatewit
actuallyhelpyourwork.Andyourwifewouldthenalsobewillingtoacceptourrelationship.Iknowthismayseemano
sophistry,butIamconvincedthatthereisnothingamisswithmyreasoning.
Theonlyproblemisyouranswer.Doyoulikemeordislikeme?Orhaveyounofeelingsonthesubject?Iamterrifie
mayreply,butImustaskanyway.Inmylastletter,IwrotethatIwasa"selfstyledlover,"andinthisletter,Ihavewritt
"presumptionofamiddleagedwoman."ItnowoccurstomethatunlessyouanswerIshallhavenogroundswhatsoever
presumptionandshallprobablybedoomedtowasteawaytherestofmylifealone.IamlostunlessIhearfromyou.
Inyournovelsyouoftendescribeloveadventures,andpeoplegossipaboutyouasifyouwereanabsolutemonster,b
suddenlydawnedonmethatyouprobablyareactuallyanadvocateofcommonsense.Idonotmyselfunderstandcommo
thatthegoodlifeconsistsinbeingabletodowhatIlike.Jwanttogivebirthtoyourchild.Idon'twanttobearanyonee
matterwhathappens.1askyouradvice.Ifyouknowtheanswer,pleasetellme.Pleasesayclearlywhatyourfeelingsar
Therainhasstoppedandawindhassprungup.Itisnowthreeo'clockintheafternoon.Ishallgooutnowtogetour
bestqualitysake.Ishallputtwoemptyrumbottlesinabagandthisletterinmypocket,andintenminutesIshallbeon
villagedownthehill.Ishallnotletmybrothergetthissake.Imyselfintendtodrinkit.EverynightIdrinkalittlefroma
sakereallyshouldbedrunkfromaglass.
Won'tyoucomehere?

Itrainedagaintoday.Aninvisible,nastymixtureoffogandrainisfalling.EverydayIhavewaitedforyouranswer
leavingthehouse,butnothinghascome.Whatareyouthinkingabout?IwonderifIdidthewrongthinginmylastletter
thatartist.PerhapsyouthoughtImentionedhisproposalinordertoarouseyourcompetitivespirit.Butnothingmoreha
alittlewhileago,asamatteroffact,MotherandIwerelaughingoverit.Motherhasrecentlybeencomplainingabout
tongue,butthankstothe"aesthetictreatment"whichNaojiprescribed,thepainhasbeenmuchalleviated,andshehass
betteroflate.
AfewminutesagoIwasstandingontheporch,andasIlookedattherainbeingblownandswirledabout,Iwastryi
whatyourfeelingsare.JustthenMother'svoicecalledfromthediningroom,"Ihavefinishedboilingthemilk.Pleaseco
"It'ssocoldtodayI'vemadethemilkveryhot,"shesaid.
Aswedrankthesteamingmilk,wetalkedabouttheartist.Isaid,"HeandIarenottheleastsuited,arewe?"
Motheransweredtranquilly,"No,youaren't."
"ConsideringthewaywardtypeIam,thatIdon'tdislikeartistsand,what'smore,thatheseemstohavealargeincom

lookedlikeagoodmatch.Butit'squiteimpossible."
Mothersmiled."Kazuko,you'reanaughtychild.Ifyouweresosurethatitwasimpossible,whyintheworlddidyou
waybychatteringwithsuchrelishwhenhewashere?Ican'timagineyourmotive."
"Oh,butitwasinteresting.There'salotmoreIwouldliketohavetalkedabout.Ihavenodiscretion,youknow."
"No,youneverletanybodygoinaconversation.Kazuko,you'retenacious!"
Motherwasinverygoodspiritstoday.Then,noticingthatIhadputmyhairupyesterdayforthefirsttime,shecomm
styleismadeforwomenwiththinhair.Yourupsweeplooksmuchtoogrand.Allthatismissingisalittlegoldentiara.I
failure."
"I'mdisappointed.Didn'tyouoncetellmethatmynecklinewassoprettythatIshouldtrynottohideit?Didn'tyou?
"Yes,Iseemtoremembersomethingofthesort."
"Ineverforgetasyllableofpraiseaddressedtome.I'msogladyouremembered."
"Thatgentlemanwhocametheotherdaymusthavepraisedyou."
"Yes,hedid.That'swhyIwouldn'tlethimoutofmyclutches.Hesaidthatbeingwithmemadehisinspirationno,Ic
isn'tthatIdislikeartists,butIcan'tstandanyonewhoputsonthoseponderousairsofamanofcharacter."
"WhatkindofmanisNaoji'steacher?"
Ifeltachillgothroughme."Idon'treallyknow,butwhatcanyouexpectfromateacherofNaoji's.Heseemstobet
dissolutecharacter."
"Tagged?"murmuredMotherwithapleasedlookinhereyes."That'saninterestingexpression.Ifhewearsatag,do
himharmless?Itsoundsrathersweet,likeakittenwithabellarounditsneck.Adissolutecharacterwithoutatagiswha
"Iwonder."
Ifelthappy,sohappy;itwasasthoughmybodyhaddissolvedintosmokeandwasbeingdrawnupintothesky.Doy
WhyIwassohappy?Ifyoudon't,I'llhityou!
Won'tyoucomeheresometime?IwouldaskNaojitobringyoubackwithhim,butthere'ssomethingunnaturalandp
askinghim.Itwouldbebestifyousuddenlydroppedin,asifactingonsomewhimofyours.Itwouldn'tmattermuchify
Naoji,butstill,itwouldbebestifitwerebyyourself,whenNaojiisawayinTokyo.IfNaojiishere,heissuretomonopo
willbetakenofftoOsaki'splacetodrink,andthatwillbethat.
Myfamilyforgenerationshasalwaysbeenfondofartists.KorinhimselflivedforyearsinouroldfamilyhouseinKy
beautifulpicturesthere,SoIamsureMotherwillbeverypleasedtohaveyoucome.Youwillprobablystayintheforeig
thesecondfloor.Pleasedonotforgettoturnoffthelight.Iwillclimbthedarkstairswithalittlecandleinmyhand.You
Toofast,Isuppose!
Ilikedissolutepeople,especiallythosewhoweartheirtags.Iwouldliketobecomedissolutemyself.Ifeelasifthere
formetolive.YouarethemostnotoriousexampleinJapanofataggeddissolute,Isuppose.Naojihastoldmethatman
aredirtyandrepulsive,andthatyouarehatedandoftenattacked.Suchstoriesonlymakemeloveyouallthemore.Iam
consideringwhoyouare,thatyoumusthaveallkindsofamies,butnowyouwillgraduallycometoloveonlyme.Ican't
that.Whenyouarelivingwithme,youwillbehappyinyourwork.EversinceIwassmall,peoplehaveoftentoldmetha
toforgetone'stroubles.Ihaveneverhadtheexperienceofbeingdisliked.Everyonehascalledmea"nicegirl."That'sw
thatyoucouldneverdislikeme.
Itwouldbesogoodifwecouldmeet.Inolongerneedananswerfromyouoranythingelse.Iwanttomeetyou.Isup
simplestthingwouldbeformetogotoyourhouseinTokyo,butIamMother'snurseandservantinconstantattendance
possiblyleaveher.Ibegyou.Pleasecomehere.Iwanttomeetyoujustonce.Thenyouwillunderstandeverything.Seet
haveetchedthemselvesonbothsidesofmymouth.Beholdthewrinklesofthemalheurdusicle.Iamsurethatrayface
feelingtoyoumoreclearlythananywords.
InmyfirstletterIwroteofarainbowinmybreast.Thatrainbowisnotoftherefinedbeautyofthelightoffireflieso
weresofaintandfaraway,Iwouldnotbesufferingthisway,andIcouldprobablyforgetyougradually.Therainbowin
bridgeofflames.Itisasensationsostrongthatitcharsmybreast.Noteventhecravingofanarcoticsaddictwhenhisd
beaspainfulasthis.IamcertainthatIamnotmistaken,thatitisnotwickedofme,butevenwhenmostpersuaded,Iso
atthethoughtthatImaybeattemptingtodoanextraordinarilyfoolishthing.AndIoftenwonderifIamnotgoingmad.

sometimesevenIamcapableofmakingplanswithdueselfpossession.Pleasecomeherejustthisonce.Anytimeatallw
waithereforyouandnotgoanywhere.Pleasebelieveme.
Pleaseseemeagainandthen,ifyoudislikeme,saysoplainly.Theflamesinmybreastwerelightedbyyou;itisup
extinguishthem.Ican'tputthemoutbymyunaidedefforts.Ifwemeet,ifwecanonlymeet,IknowthatIshallbesaved.
daysofTheTaleofGenji,whatIamsayingnowwouldnotbeanythingexceptional,buttodayoh,myambitionistob
mistressandthemotherofyourchild.
Ifthereisanyonewhowouldlaughatletterslikethese,heisamanwhoderidesawoman'seffortstogoonliving,he
woman'slife.Iamchokinginthesuffocatingfoulairoftheharbor.Iwanttohoistmysailsintheopensea,eventhough
blowing.Furledsailsarealwaysdirty.Thosewhowouldderidemearesomanyfurledsails.Theycandonothing.
Anuisanceofawoman.Butinthismatter,itisIwhosufferthemost.Itisnonsensicalforsomeoutsiderwhohasne
leastofwhatIhavebeengoingthroughtopresumetomakejudgmentswhileslacklydroopinghisuglysails.Ihavenod
takeitonthemselvestoanalyzemythoughts.Iamwithoutthoughts.Ihavenever,notevenonce,actedonthebasisofan
philosophy.
Iamconvincedthatthosepeoplewhomtheworldconsidersgoodandrespectsareallliarsandfakes.Idonottrustt
onlyallyisthetaggeddissolute.Thetaggeddissolute.ThatistheonlycrossonwhichIwishtobecrucified.Thoughten
criticizeme,Icanthrowintheirteethmychallenge:Areyounotallthemoredangerousforbeingwithouttags?
Doyouunderstand?
Thereisnoreasoninlove,andIhavegonerathertoofarinofferingyoutheserationalseemingarguments.Ifeelas
parrotingmybrother.AllIwanttosayisthatIawaityourvisit.Iwanttoseeyouagain.Thatisall.
Towait.Inourlivesweknowjoy,anger,sorrow,andahundredotheremotions,buttheseemotionsalltogetheroccu
percentofourtime.Theremainingninetyninepercentisjustlivinginwaiting.Iwaitinmomentaryexpectation,feelin
breastsarebeingcrushed,forthesoundinthecorridorofthefootstepsofhappiness.Empty.Oh,lifeistoopainful,ther
confirmstheuniversalbeliefthatitisbestnottobeborn.
Thuseveryday,frommorningtonight,Iwaitindespairforsomething.IwishIcouldbegladthatIwasborn,thatI
therearepeopleandaworld.
Won'tyoushoveasidethemoralitythatblocksyou?
ToM.C.(ThesearenottheinitialsofMyChekhov.Iamnotinlovewithanauthor.MyChi1d.)

CHAPTERFIVE/THELADY

ThissummerIsentthreeletterstohim.Butnoreplycame,itseemedatthetimethattherewasnothingelseIcouldp
putintothethreelettersallthatwasinmyheart.Ipostedthemwiththefeelingofonewholeapsfromapromontoryinto
billowsofthesea,butalthoughIwaitedaverylongtime,noanswercame.
IcasuallyinquiredofmybrotherNaojihowthatmanwas.Naojirepliedthathewasmuchthesameasusualthathe
indrunkencarousals,thathisliteraryproductionsconsistedexclusivelyofworksofanincreasinglyimmoralnature,and
objectofthescornandloathingofalldecentcitizens.Moreover,hehadurgedNaojitostartapublishinghouse,asugges
eagerlyaccepted.Asapreliminarystep,Naojipersuadedtwoorthreenovelistsbesidesthatpersontoappointhimasthe
questionnowwaswhetherornottheycouldunearthsomeonewithcapitaltolendtheproject.AsIlistenedtoNaoji'swo
increasinglyevidentthatnotaparticleofmyodorhadseepedintotheatmospherearoundthemanIloved.Itwasnotso
Iexperiencedasthefeelingthattheactualworldwasanunfamiliarorganismutterlyunliketheworldofmyimagination
asensationofdesolationmoreintensethananythingIhadpreviouslyknown,asifIhadbeenabandonedatduskinanau
wherenoansweringsoundwouldevercome,howeveroftenIcalled.Isthat,Iwonder,whatismeantbythepatphrase"
love"?IaskedmyselfifIweredoomedtodie,numbedbythenightdews,aloneinthewastelandasthesundroppedcom
sight.Myshouldersandchestwerefiercelyshaken,andIwaschokedbyadrysobbing.
ThereisnothingleftformenowbuttogouptoTokyo,costwhatitmay,andseeMr.Uehara.Mysailshavebeenlif

hasputforthfromtheharbor.Icannotwaitanylonger.ImustgowhereIamgoing.TheseweremythoughtsasIbegan
prepareforthejourneytoTokyo,onlytohaveMother'sconditiontakeanunexpectedturn.
Onenightshewasrackedbyaterriblecough.WhenItookhertemperature,itwasalready102degrees.
"Itmustbebecauseitwassochillytoday,"Mothermurmuredinbetweenspasmsofcoughing."TomorrowI'llbebet
somehowitdidn'tseemjustacough,andtobeonthesafesideIdecidedtohavethevillagedoctorpayacallthefollowi
ThenextmorningMother'stemperaturedroppedtonormalandhercoughhadmuchabated.Allthesame,Iwenttot
askedhimtoexamineMother,describinghersuddenweakeningoflate,herfeverofthepreviousnight,andmybeliefth
tohercoughthanamerecold.
"Ishallbecallingpresently,"thedoctorsaid,adding,"andhereisagiftforyou."Hetookthreepearsfromashelfin
receptionroomandofferedthemtome.Heappearedalittleafternooninhisformalclothes.Asusualhespentaninterm
ausculationandpercussion,atlastturningtomewiththewords,"Thereisnothingtoexcitealarm.Ifyourmothertakest
whichIshallprescribe,shewillrecover."
Ifoundhimcuriouslycomicbutcontrolledmysmilestoask,"Howaboutinjections?"
Heansweredgravely,"Theywillprobablynotbenecessary.Wehaveheretodowithacold,andifyourmotherrem
wecangetridofitshortly."
ButevenafteraweekhadpassedMother'stemperaturedidnotdisappear.Hercoughwasbetter,buthertemperature
between99inthemorningand102degreesatnight.Justatthisjuncturethedoctortooktobedwithanupsetstomach.I
forsomemedicineandtooktheoccasiontodescribeMother'sdiscouragingconditiontothenurse,whotransmittedmyw
doctor."It'sanordinarycoldandshouldcausenoanxiety,"washisreply.Iwasgivenaliquidmedicineandapowder.
NaojiasusualwasoffinTokyo.Ithadalreadybeenmorethantendayssinceheleft.Aloneandinanexcessofdepr
postcardtomyUncleWadainforminghimofthechangeinMother'shealth.
Somedayslaterthevillagedoctorcalledwiththenewsthathisstomachindispositionhadatlengthpassed.
HeexaminedMother'schestwithanexpressionofraptconcentration.Suddenlyhecried,"Ah,Iknowwhatitis!Ikn
Againturningtowardme,heintoned,"Ihaveunderstoodthecauseofthefever.Aseepagehasdevelopedintheleftlung
thereisnoneedforanxiety.Thefeverwillprobablycontinueforthetimebeing,butifyourmotherremainsquiet,there
alarm."
"Iwonder,"Ithought,butlikeadrowningmanclutchingatastraw,ItookwhatevercomfortIcouldfromhisdiagno
Afterthedoctorhadmadehisdeparture,Iexclaimed,"Isn'tthatarelief,Mother?Justalittleseepagewhy,mostp
Aslongasyoucanjustkeepyourspiritsup,you'llbebetterinnotime.Theweatherthissummerhasbeensounseasona
troublelies.Ihatethesummer.Ihatesummerflowerstoo."
Mother,hereyesshut,smiled."Theysaythatpeoplewholikesummerflowersdieinthesummer,andIwasexpectin
summer,perhaps,butnowthatNaojihascomehomeIhaveheldonuntilautumn."
ItwaspainfulformetorealizethatNaoji,evensuchashewas,hadbecomethemainstayofMother'spleasureinlife
"Well,then,sincesummerhaspassed,thatmeanswe'reoverthehumpofyourdangerperiod,doesn'tit?Mother,the
bloominthegarden.Andvalerian,burnet,bellflowers,timothythewholegardenreeksofautumn.Iamsurethatonc
yourtemperaturewillgodown."
Iamprayingthatitwill.Whatareliefitwillbewhenthesticky,lingeringSeptemberheathaspassed!Then,whenth
chrysanthemumsareinbloomandonedayofbrightIndiansummersucceedsanother,Mother'sfeverwillsurelydisappe
strong,andIwillbeabletoseehim.Perhapsmyplanswillcometomagnificentfloweringlikesomegiganticchrysanthe
itwerealreadyOctober,andMother'sfeverweregone!
AboutaweekafterIwrotemyuncle,hearrangedforanolddoctornamedMiyake,whohadonceservedasacourtp
fromTokyotoexamineMother.
Dr.Miyakehadbeenanacquaintanceofmyfather's,andMotherlookeddelightedtoseehim.Hisroughmannersan
forwhichhehadlongbeenfamous,alsoapparentlyendearedhimtoMother.Theyhadnotgotaroundtoaformalexami
twoofthemweredivertingthemselvesinsteadwithanuninhibitedboutofgossip.Iwenttothekitchentomakesomepu
timeitwasreadytobeservedtheexaminationhadalreadybeenconcluded.Thedoctor,hisausculatordanglingfromhis
necklace,slouchedinawickerchair.

"Fellowslikemyselfgointosomeroadsidejointtotakeastanduplunchofnoodles.Younevergetanythinggoodo
matterreallybad,"hewassayingasIentered,andthis,Isuppose,wastypicaloftheirconversation.Motherwasfollo
withanunconstrainedexpression.
"Itwasn'tanythingafterall!"Iexclaimedtomyselfwithasighofrelief.SuddenlycouragewelledupinmeandIask
Thevillagedoctorsaidtherewasaseepageinherleftlung.Doyouthinksotoo?"
Thedoctorrepliedoffhandedly,"What'sallthat?She'sperfectlyallright!"
"Oh,I'msorelieved,aren'tyou,Mother?"Ispoketoher,smilingfrommyheart."Hesaysyou'reallright."
Dr.MiyakeatthispointrosefromhischairandwalkedintotheChineseroom.Heobviouslyhadsomethingtodisclo
tiptoedoutoftheroombehindhim.
Hestoppedwhenhereachedthewallhangingandsaid,"Ihearafunnysound."
"Itisn'taseepage?"
"No."
"Bronchitis?"IwasalreadyintearsasIasked.
"No."
T.B.Ididn'twanttothinkofit.IwassurethatwithmystrengthIcouldcurepneumoniaoraseepageorbronchitis.B
perhapsitwasalreadytoolate.Ifeltasifmylegswerecrumblingunderme.
"Isthesoundverybad,thatfunnysoundyouhear?"Iwassobbinghelplessly.
"Rightandleftboththewholeworks!"
"ButMother'sstillhealthy!Sheenjoyshermealsso!"
"Itcan'tbehelped."
"That'snottrue.Itcan'tbe.Ifsheeatslotsofbutter,eggs,andmilk,she'llrecover,won'tshe?Aslongasshekeepsu
thefeverwillgodown,won'tit?"
"Sheshouldeatalotofwhatevershelikes."
"Isn'tthatwhatIsaid?Everydaysheeatsfivetomatoesalone."
"Tomatoesaregood."
"Thenit'sallright?She'llgetbetter?"
"Thissicknessmayprovefatal.It'sbestthatyoushouldknowit."
ThiswasthefirsttimeinmylifethatIhadbecomeawareoftheexistenceofthewallofdespairbuiltofallthemany
worldbeforewhichhumanstrengthishelpless.
"Twoyears?Threeyears?"Iwhispered,trembling.
"Ican'tsay.Inanycase,nothingcanbedoneaboutit."
Dr.Miyakedeparted,mumblingsomethingaboutreservationsforthatdayatNagaokaHotSpring.Isawhimasfara
DazedlyIwalkedbacktoMother'sbed.Iforcedasmile,asmuchastosaythatnothingwaswrong,butMotherasked,"W
doctortellyou?"
"Hesaysthateverythingwillbeallrightifyourtemperatureonlygoesdown."
"Whataboutmychest?"
"Apparentlyit'snothingserious.It'slikewhenyouweresickbefore.I'msureofthat.Justassoonastheweatherturn
you'llquicklygetbackyourstrength."
Itriedtobelievemyownlies.Itriedtoforgettheterrifyingword"fatal."Icouldn'tbelieveitwasthetruth.Ihadthe
Mothertodie,myownfleshwouldmeltawaywithher.Fromnowon,Ithought,Iwillforgeteverythingelseexceptpre
deliciousthingsforMother.Fish,soup,liver,broth,tomatoes,eggs,milk,saladIwillselleverythingIowntobuyfoo
IwenttotheChineseroomanddraggedtherecliningchairouttoaspotontheverandafromwhereIcouldseeMoth
looktheleastlikeasickperson.Hereyeswerebeautifullyclearandhercomplexionfresh.Herfeveronlycomesinthea
"HowwellMotherlooks!"Ithought."Iamsureshemustbeallright."InmyheartIhadblottedoutDr.Miyake'sdia
MymindfadedoffintoareverieonhowmuchbetteritwouldbewhenitwasOctoberandthechrysanthemumswere
BeforeIknewitIhaddozedoffandwasstandinginalandscapewhichoccasionallycomestomeindreams,althoughI
actuallyseenit.Iwasbesidealakeintheforestolongfamiliartome,andthesightofthatlandscapecamewithathrillo

waswalkingnexttoaboyinJapaneseclothes,silently,withnosoundoffootsteps.Thewholelandscapeseemedveiled
fog.Adelicatewhitebridgelaysubmergedatthebottomofthelake.
Theboyspoke."Thebridgehassunk!Wecan'tgoanywheretoday.Let'sstopatthehotelhere.I'msuretheremustb
room."
Therewasahotelontheedgeofthelake.Itsstonewallsdrippedwiththegreenfog.Onastonegatethewords"Hote
werecarvedingiltletters.AsIreadthelettersSWI,IsuddenlythoughtofMother.Iwondereduneasilyhowshewas,w
werestayingatthishotel.Ipassedwiththeyoungmanthroughthegateintothefrontgarden.Hugeredflowerslikehyd
bloomingwithaburningintensityinthefoggygarden.WhenIwasachild,thebedcovershadapatternofcrimsonhydra
alwaysmademefeelpeculiarlyunhappy.But,Ithoughtnow,therereallyaresuchthingsasredhydrangeas.
"Youaren'tcold?"
"No.Justalittle.Myearsarewetwiththefog,andtheinsidesarecold."Ilaughedandaskedhim,"Iwonderwhatha
Mother?"
Theboyansweredwithasmileatonceheartbreakinglysadandfullofcompassion,"Sheisinhergrave."
Acryescapedmylips.Thatwasit.Motherwasnolongerwithus.Andhadn'tafuneralalreadytakenplace?Atthis
Mother'sdeath,mybodyshookwithanindescribablelonelinessandmyeyesopened.
Itwasalreadyduskontheveranda.Itwasraining.Agreencoloreddesolationlingeredovereverything,justasinthe
"Mother?"Icalled.
Sheansweredinacalmvoice."Whatareyoudoingthere?"
Ileapedupwithjoyandrushedtoherside."Iwassleeping."
"Iwonderedwhatyouweredoing.Thatwasalongnap,wasn'tit?"Sheseemedamusedwithme.
IwassooverjoyedatMother'scharm,atherbeingalive,thatmyeyesfilledwithtearsofgratitude.
"Andwhataremylady'scommandsfordinnerthisevening?"Iaskedratherarchly.
"Pleasedon'tbother.Idon'tneedanything.Todaymytemperaturewentupto103degrees."
FromhappinessIwassuddenlyplungedintoblankdespair.Atalosswhattodo,Iletmyglancewandervacantlyaro
room.Iwantedtodie.
"Whyshouldthatbe,Iwonder.103degrees!"
"It'snothing.ItisonlyjustthemomentsbeforethefeverbreaksoutthatIdon'tlike.Myheadhurtsalittle,Ifeelach
fevercomes."
Outsideitwasdarknow.Therainhadstopped,butawindwasblowing.Iswitchedonthelightsandwasabouttogo
roomwhenMothercalledout,"Thelighthurtsmyeyes.Pleaseleaveitoff."
"Butyouwon'tlikelyinginthedarkthatway,willyou?"Iasked,stillhesitatingbytheswitch.
"Itdoesn'tmatter.WhenIsleepmyeyesareshut.Idon'tfeeltheleastbitlonelyinthedark.It'stheglarethatIdislik
thelightsoninthisroomfromnowon."
Herwordsfilledmewithforeboding.WithoutawordIswitchedoutthelightsinMother'sroom.Iturnedonalamp
and,feelingunbearablydepressed,hurriedtothekitchen.AsIsatthere,eatingcannedsalmonandcoldrice,heavytears
eyes.
Withnightfallthewindbegantoblowharderanddevelopedbyaboutnineintoarealgalewithpeltingrain.Theporc
hadrolledupacoupleofdaysearlier,clatteredinthewind.IsatintheroomnexttoMother's,readingwithastrangeagi
Luxemburg'sIntroductiontoEconomics.IhadborrowedthisbookfromNaoji'sroom(withouthispermission,naturally
SelectedWorksofLeninandKautsky'sSocialRevolution.Ihadleftthemonmydesk.Onemorning,whenMotherpasse
onherwaytothebath,shehappenedtonoticethethreevolumes.Shepickedthemuponeafteranother,examinedtheco
withalittlesigh,returnedthemsoftlytothedesk.Sheglancedatmesorrowfullyasshedidso.Aprofoundgrieffilledh
bynomeansoneofrejectionorantipathy.Mother'schosenreadingmatterisHugo,Dumaspereetfils,Musset,andDau
thatevensuchbooksofsweetromancesarepermeatedwiththesmellofrevolution.
PeoplelikeMotherwhopossessaHeavengiveneducationthewordsarepeculiarIknowmayperhapsbeable
revolutioninasurprisinglymatteroffactway,asaquitenaturaloccurrence.EvenIfoundsomethingsratherobjectiona
RosaLuxemburg'sbook,but,giventhesortofpersonIam,theexperienceonthewholewasoneofprofoundinterest.Th

ofherbookisgenerallyconsideredtobeeconomics,butifitisreadaseconomics,itisboringbeyondbelief.Itcontains
exceedinglyobviousplatitudes.Itmaybe,ofcourse,thatIhavenounderstandingofeconomics.Bethatasitmay,thesu
theslightestinterestforme.Asciencewhichispostulatedontheassumptionthathumanbeingsareavariciousandwillr
throughalleternityisutterlydevoidofpoint(whetherinproblemsofdistributionoranyotheraspect)toapersonwhois
AndyetasIreadthisbook,Ifeltastrangeexcitementforquiteanotherreasonthesheercouragetheauthordemonstr
apartwithoutanyhesitationallmannerofconventionalideas.HowevermuchImayopposemorality,Iampowerlessto
floatingbeforemyeyesofthewifeofthemanIlove,coollyandquicklyhurryingbacktohishouse.Thenmythoughtst
Destructionistragicandpiteousandbeautiful.Thedreamofdestroying,buildinganew,perfecting.Perhapseven,onceo
thedayofperfectingmaynevercome,butinthepassionofloveImustdestroy.Imuststartarevolution.Rosagavetrag
undividedlovetoMarxism.

Itwasawintertwelveyearsago.
"You'rejustlikethatspinelessgirlintheSarashinaDiarywhonevercanopenhermouth.It'simpossibletotalktoy
Myfriend,sosaying,walkedaway.Ihadjustreturnedher,unread,abookbyLenin.
"Haveyoureadit?"
"I'msorry.Ihaven't."
ItwasonabridgefromwhichyoucouldseetheTokyoRussianOrthodoxCathedral.
"Why?Whatwasthetrouble?"
MyfriendwasaboutaninchtallerthanIandverygiftedinlanguages.Herredberetbecameher.Shewasabeautifu
whichwasreputedtolookliketheMonaLisa's.
"Ihatedthecolorofthejacket."
"Youarestrange.Thatwasn'ttherealreason,I'msure.Wasn'titbecauseyou'vebecomeafraidofme?"
"Iamnotafraidofyou.Icouldn'tstandthecolorofthejacket."
"Isee."Shespokesadly.ItwasthenthatshecomparedmetothegirlintheSarashinaDiaryanddecidedthatitwas
me.
Westoodforawhileinsilencelookingdownatthewintryriver.
"'Farewell,ifthisshouldbeourpartingforever,foreverfarewell.'Byron."Shemurmuredandthenquicklyrecitedth
intheoriginalEnglish.Shegavemealightembrace.
Ifeltashamedofmyselfandwhisperedanapology.Ibegantowalktowardthestation.Ilookedbackonceovermys
myfriendstillstandingmotionlessonthebridge,staringatme.
ThatwasthelasttimeIsawher.Weusedtogotothesameforeignteacher'shouse,butwewereinadifferentschoo

TwelveyearshavepassedandIhaveyettoprogressastepbeyondtheSarashinaDiarystage.Whatintheworldhav
thistime?Ihaveneverfeltmyselfdrawntowardrevolution,andIhavenotevenknownlove.Theolderandwiserheads
alwaysdescribedrevolutionandlovetousasthetwomostfoolishandloathsomeofhumanactivities.Beforethewar,ev
war,wewereconvincedofit.Sincethedefeat,however,wenolongertrusttheolderandwiserheadsandhavecometo
oppositeofwhatevertheysayistherealtruthaboutlife.Revolutionandloveareinfactthebest,mostpleasurablethings
werealizeitispreciselybecausetheyaresogoodthattheolderandwiserheadshavespitefullyfobbedoffonustheirso
ThisIwanttobelieveimplicitly:Manwasbornforloveandrevolution.
ThedoorslidopensuddenlyandMotherpokedinhersmilingface."You'restillup.Aren'tyousleepy?"
Ilookedattheclockonmydesk.Itwasmidnight.
"No,I'mnottheleastbitsleepy.IhavebeenreadingabookaboutSocialismandI'mallworkedupoverit."
"Oh.Haven'tweanythingtodrinkinthehouse?Thebestthingwhenyou'reinsuchastateistohaveadrinkbeforey

Thenyou'llbeabletosleepsoundly."Shespokeinabanteringtone,buttherewasanindefinablesomethinginherattitu
ahair'sbreadthremovedfromdissoluteness.

Octobercameatlast,butitdidn'tbringanysuddenchangetobrightautumnweather.Instead,onehot,humiddayfol
ratherasitdoesduringtherainyseason.AndeveryeveningMother'sfeverhoveredalittleoverahundred.
OnemorningInoticedsomethingfrightening.Mother'shandwasswollen.ThiswasjustaboutthetimewhenMothe
enjoyedbreakfastmostofanymeal,wouldonlysitupinbedtoeatalittlericegruel.Shecouldnotswallowanythingwi
OnthatdaysheseemedtofinddistastefuleventhesmellofthemushroomsinthesoupIhadmade.Sheliftedthebowlt
returnedituntouchedtothetray.ItwasthenthatInoticedtomyastonishmentthatMother'srighthandwasswollen.
"Mother!What'shappenedtoyourhand?"
Herfacealsoseemedratherpaleandpuffy."Itisn'tanything.Thismuchofaswellingdoesn'tmeananything."
"Howlonghasitbeenthatway?"
Motherremainedsilent,adazedexpressiononherface.Iwantedtoweepaloud.Thatdistortedhanddidnotbelongt
wassomeotherwoman'shand.Mother'shandissmallerandmoredelicate.AhandIknowwell.Agentlehand.Alovab
hand,Iwondered,vanishedforever?Thelefthandasyetwasnotsoswollen.Butitwastoopainfulformetogoonlook
turnedawaymyeyesandglaredatabasketofflowersinacorneroftheroom.
Ifeltthetearscoming.Unabletobearmore,Igotupabruptlyandfledtothekitchen.ThereIfoundNaojieatingaso
therareoccasionswhenhewasathome,hewascertaintospendthenightcarousingatOsaki'splace.Themorningafter
inthekitchenmoroselyeatingsoft.boiledeggs,theonlynourishmenthewouldtake.Thenhewouldmakehiswayback
floor,wherehewouldspendhisdayinandoutofbed.
"Mother'shandisswollen,"Isaid,myeyesonthefloor.Icouldn'tgoon.Iwasweepingconvulsively.
Naojididnotreply.
Iliftedmyhead."It'shopelessnow.Haven'tyounoticed?Whenthere'saswellinglikethat,there'snohope."Myhan
ontheendofthetable.
Naoji'sfacealsotookonagloomyexpression."Itwon'tbelong.Damn.Whatadisgustingthingtohappen."
"Iwanttobringherbacktohealthagain.Iwantsomehowtosaveher,"Isaid,wringingmyhands.SuddenlyNaojib
"Don'tyouseethere'snothingwecando?Wecan'tdoathing."Herubbedhiseyesfuriouslywithhisfists.
ThatdayNaojiwenttoTokyotoinformUncleWadaofMother'sconditionandtogetinstructionsforthefuture.Alm
IwasnotactuallybyMother'sside,Ispentinweeping.WhenIwentoutinthemorningfogtofetchthemilk,whenIsm
beforethemirror,whenIputonlipstick,itwasalwayswithtears.HappydaysIhadspentwithMother,thiseventandth
picturesbeforemyeyes.Therewasnolimitandnousetomytears.ThateveningwhenitgrewdarkIwentouton
theChineseroomandsatsobbingforalongtime.Thestarsweresparklingintheautumnsky,andatmyfeetacat,Idon
wascurled,motionless.
ThenextdaytheswellinginMother'shandwasevenworse.Shedidnoteatanythingatmealtimes.Shecouldnotev
juice,shesaid,becauseherthroatwassoroughandpainful.
"Mother,howwoulditbeifyouputonagainthatmaskNaojirecommended?"Ihadintendedtosoftenmywordswi
evenasIspokeIbrokeintoawailofanguish.
Mothersaidgently,"Youmustbewornoutfromthestraineveryday.Pleasehireanurseforme."Irealizedthatshe
worriedaboutmyhealththanherown,andthismademefeelallthemoremiserable.
AlittleafternoonNaojiarrivedwithDr.Miyakeandanurse.Theolddoctor,whonormallygaveforthnothingbutj
timeintothesickroominakindofrageandatoncebeganhisexamination.Thisconcluded,hemutteredtonooneinpar
grownweaker."HegaveMotheracamphorinjection.
"Haveyouaplacetostay,doctor?"Motheraskedinadelirium.
"AtNagaokaagain.Ihaveareservation,sothere'snothingforyoutoworryabout.Insteadoffrettingaboutotherpeo
thinkmoreofyourselfandeatagreatdealofwhateveryoulike,anythingandeverything.Ifyoutakenourishmentyou'll

backtomorrow.I'mleavingmynursebehind;andpleasemakegooduseofher."Thedoctoraddressedhiswordsinalou
Mother'ssickbed,thengaveasignalwithhiseyestoNaoji.Naojiwentbyhimselftoshowthedoctortothegate.When
minuteslatertheexpressiononhisfacebetrayedthathewasholdingbackhistears.Wetiptoedoutofthesickroomand
diningroom.
"Isithopeless?Whatdidhesay?"
Naojitwistedhismouthintoasmile."Disgusting.Herweaknessseemstohavegrownmuchmorepronounced.The
theendmightcomeinadayortwo."Hiseyesfilledwithtearsashespoke.
"Iwonderifweshouldn'tsendtelegramstoeveryone,"Isaid.Iwassurprisinglyselfpossessed.
"IdiscussedthatwithUncleWada,buthesaidthataswearenowwecan'taffordsuchabiggathering.Evensuppos
come,thehouseissosmallthatwecouldn'tverywellaskthemtostayhere,andtherearenodecenthotelsintheneighb
words,hesaysthatwearepoornowandhaven'tthemeanstosendforallthegrandsseigneursinourfamily.UncleWad
comehereimmediately,buthe'salwaysbeensuchamiserthatwecan'tdependonhimtohelpus.Evenlastnight,ofall
Mama'sillnesslongenoughtogivemeaseverelecture.Neverinallthecourseofworldhistoryhasanyoneeverseenth
resultofbeingpreachedtobyamiser.There'sallthedifferencebetweenhimandus,letaloneMama.Hemakesmesick
"Butafterall,I,oratanyrateyou,willnowbedependentonhim."
"Nothingdoing.I'dratherbecomeabeggar.You,mydearsister,willbetheonewhowillhavetodependonhisfavo
"I"thetearscame,"Ihavesomewheretogo."
"Amarriage?Isitsettled?"
"No."
"Selfsupport?Theworkingwoman!Don'tmakemelaugh!"
"No,notselfsupport.Iwillbecomearevolutionary."
"What!"Naojilookedatmewithanoddexpression.
Justthenthenursecalled."Yourmotherseemstowantyouforsomething."
Irushedtothesickroomandsatbesideherbed."Whatisit?"Iasked,bendingmyheadoverhers.
Motherremainedsilent,butIcouldtellthatshewishedtosaysomething.
"Water?"
Sheshookherheadfaintly.Afterawhileshesaidinasmallvoice,"Ihadadream."
"Whatkindofdream?"
"Aboutasnake."
Iwasstartled.
"Ibelieveyou'llfindafemalesnakewithredstripesonthestepinfrontoftheporch.Pleasegoandlook."
Istoodupwithafeelingofgrowingcoldallover.Iwenttotheporchandlookedthroughtheglassdoor.Onthestep
stretchedoutfulllengthintheautumnsun.Ifeltdizzy.
Iknowwhoyouare.YouarealittlebiggerandolderthanwhenIsawyoulast,butyouarethesnakewhoseeggsIb
alreadyfeltyourvengeance,sogoawayatonce.
ThisprayerwentthroughmyheadasIstoodthere,myeyesrivetedonthesnake,whichgavenoindicationofstirring
reason,Ididn'twantthesnaketobeseenbythenurse.Istampedmyfoot."No,"Icriedinavoicethatwaslouderthann
nosnakehere,Mother.Yourdreamwasnottrue."Ilookedagainatthestepandsawthatthesnakehadatlastmovedand
glidingaway.
Therewasnohope,none.ResignationfirstbegantogerminateinmyheartafterIsawthesnake.Ihadheardthatwh
therewasasmallblacksnakebyhisbed,andImyselfhadseenasnaketwistedaroundeverytreeinthegarden.
Motherseemedtohavelostthestrengthtositupinbedandremainedinaperpetualdoze.Iputthenursecompletely
Asforfood,itnowcouldbarelypassMother'sthroat.Afterseeingthesnakethetensioninmyhearthadmeltedintosom
sensationofhappiness,peaceofmindonemightevensay,attherealizationthatIhadnowreachedtheverybottomofa
thoughtnowwastobewithMotherasmuchasIcould.
IspentthewholeofthenextdayclosetoMother'sbedside,knitting.Iammuchfasterthanmostpeopleatknittingor
veryproficientatit.Motherusedalwaystopointoutplaceafterplaceinmyknittingthatwaspoorlydone.ThatdayId

particularlylikeknitting,butItookoutmyboxofyarnandforappearance'ssake,sothatMotherwouldnotthinkitstran
mytimegluedtoherbedside,begantoknitwithadeterminationthatsuggestedIhadnootherthoughtintheworld.
Motherstaredatmyhands."You'remakingsocksforyourself,aren'tyou?Don'tforget,unlessyouincreasetheleng
betightwhenyouwearthem."
WhenIwasachildIcouldneverknitproperly,nomatterhowmuchMotherhelpedme,andnowIdiscoveredmysel
usedtogetthen,onlytobesweptbynostalgiaatthethoughtthatthiswasthelasttimethatMotherwouldeverguideme
myknittingforthetears.
Motherdidnotappearinanypainasshelaythere.Shehadnottakenanyfoodsincemorning,andallIhaddonewas
lipsoccasionallywithgauzesoakedintea.However,shewasquiteconsciousandspoketomefromtimetotimeinacom
seemtorecallhavingseenapictureoftheEmperorinthenewspaper.I'dliketolookatitagain."
IheldthatsectionofthenewspaperaboveMother'sface.
"He'sgrownold."
"No,it'sapoorphotograph.Inthephotographstheyprintedtheotherdayheseemedreallyyoungandcheerful.Hep
thesedaysthanever."
"Why?"
"TheEmperorhasbeenliberatedtoo."
Mothersmiledsadlyandsaid,"EvenwhenIwanttocry,thetearsdon'tcomeanymore."
IsuddenlywonderedwhetherMothermightnotactuallybehappynow,whetherthesensationofhappinessmightno
likefaintlyglitteringgoldsunkenatthebottomoftheriverofsorrow.Thefeelingofthatstrangepalelightwhenonceo
alltheboundsofunhappinessifthatcanbecalledasensationofhappiness,theEmperor,mymother,andevenImys
behappynow.
Acalmautumnmorning.Asunlit,mellowautumngarden.Iputdownmyknittingandlookedoffattheseasparkling
"Mother,"Isaid,"Ihavebeenveryignorantoftheworlduntilnow."TherewasmuchmoreIwantedtosay,butIwasas
nurse,whowasmakingpreparationsinacorneroftheroomforaveininjection,shouldhear,andIstoppedabruptly.
"Yousayuntilnow."Motherwithawansmilecaughtmeuponmywords."Youmeanthatnowyouunderstandthe
Inexplicably,myfacecrimsoned.
"Idon'tunderstandtheworld."Motherturnedherfaceaway.Shespokeinalowvoice,almosttoherself.
"Idon'teither.Iwonderifanyonedoes.Weallremainchildren,nomatterhowmuchtimegoesby.Wedon'tunderst
Imustgoonliving.And,thoughitmaybechildishofme,Ican'tgooninsimplecompliance.FromnowonImusts
world.IthoughtthatMothermightwellbethelastofthosewhocanendtheirlivesbeautifullyandsadly,strugglingwith
hatingnorbetrayinganyone.Intheworldtocometherewillbenoroomforsuchpeople.Thedyingarebeautiful,butto
thosethingssomehowseemhideousandcontaminatedwithblood.Icurledmyselfonthefloorandtriedtotwistmybod
asIrememberedit,ofapregnantsnakediggingahole.ButtherewassomethingtowhichIcouldnotresignmyself.Call
me,ifyouwill,Imustsurviveandstrugglewiththeworldinordertoaccomplishmydesires.Nowthatitwasclearthat
soondie,myromanticismandsentimentalityweregraduallyvanishing,andIfeltasthoughIwereturningintoacalcula
creature.
Shortlyafternoon,whileIsatnexttoMother,moisteningherlips,anautomobilestoppedinfrontofourgate.Myun
aunthadarrivedfromTokyo.MyuncleatoncewentintothesickroomandsathimselfwithoutawordbyMother'sbeds
thelowerpartofherfacewithahandkerchiefand,nottakinghereyesfrommyuncle'sface,begantoweep.Buttherew
mademethinkofadoll.
"Where'sNaoji?"Motheraskedafterawhile,lookingatme.
Iwentuptothesecondfloor.Naojiwassprawledonasofareadingamagazine."Motheriscallingforyou,"Isaid.
"Whatanothertragicscene?Oyeofstrongnervesandshallowfeelings,havepatienceanddoyourduty!Wewho
thoughindeedthespiritiswilling,thefleshisweakwebynomeanshavetheenergytositwithMama."Heflungon
wentdownstairswithme.
WhenwehadseatedourselvessidebysidenearMother'spillow,shesuddenlythrustherhandoutfromundertheco
pointedfirstatNaojiandthenatme.Turningnexttomyuncle,shejoinedherhandstogetherinsupplication.,

Myunclenoddedexpansively."Yes.Iunderstand,Iunderstand."
Mothershuthereyeslightly,asifhiswordshadrelievedher.Sheslippedherhandsbackunderthecovers.
Iwasweeping,andNaoji,hiseyesdown,sobbed.
Dr.Miyakearrivedatthismomentandatonceadministeredanotherinjection.NowthatMotherhadbeenabletosee
musthavefeltthatnothingremainedforhertolivefor.Shesaid,"Doctor,pleaseputanendtomysufferingsoon."
Thedoctorandmyuncleexchangedglances.Theydidnotspeak,buttearsshoneintheireyes.
IwenttothediningroomwhereIpreparedsomelunch.Itookthefourplatesformyuncle,thedoctor,Naoji,and
theChineseroom.IshowedMotherthesandwichesmyunclehadbroughtusasasouvenirofTokyoandputthemnextt
"Youarekeptsobusy,"Mothermurmured.
WechattedforawhileintheChineseroom.MyuncleandauntapparentlyhadbusinessthatnightinTokyowhich
return.Myunclehandedmeanenvelopecontainingsomemoney.HedecidedthattheywouldreturntogetherwithDr.M
partingorderswiththenurseaboutthetreatmenttobefollowed.ItwasassumedthatMotherwouldlastforanotherfour
thehelpoftheinjections.Shewasstillperfectlyconscious,andherheartwasnottooseriouslyaffected.
AfterIhadshowneveryonetothegateIwentbacktoMother'sroom.Shesmiledintheparticularlyintimatewayshe
reservedforme."Itmusthavebeenaterriblerushforyou,"shesaidinalittlevoicescarcelymorethanawhisper.Herf
animation,thatitseemedalmosttoshine.ShemusthavebeenhappytoseeUncle,Ithought.
ThosewerethelastwordsthatMotherspoke.
Aboutthreehourslatershepassedaway...inthestillautumntwilight,asherpulsewasbeingtakenbythenurse,w
Naojiandmyself,hertwochildren,mybeautifulmother,whowasthelastladyinJapan.
Herfaceindeathwasalmostunaltered.Whenmyfatherdiedhisexpressionhadsuddenlychanged,butMother'swa
asinlife.Onlyherbreathinghadstopped.Andeventhathadhappenedsoquietlythatwedidnotknowexactlywhenshe
breathe.Theswellinginherfacehadgonedownthepreviousday,andhercheekswerenowsmoothaswax.Herpalelip
curved,asthoughsheweresmiling.Motherseemedmorecaptivatingeventhanshewasinlife.Thethoughtthatsheloo
Pietflickeredacrossmymind.

CHAPTERSIX/OUTBREAKOFHOSTILITIES

Outbreakofhostilities.
Icouldnotremainforeverimmersedinmygrief.ThereissomethingforwhichIabsolutelyhavetofight.Anewethi
usethewordishypocrisy.Love.Thatandnothingelse.JustasRosaLuxemburghadtodependonherneweconomicsfo
cannotgoonlivingunlessnowIclingwithallmyforcetolove.ThewordsofteachingspokenbyJesustohistwelvedis
wasabouttosendthemforthtoexposethehypocrisiesofthescribesandPhariseesandthemenofauthorityofthisworl
toallmenwithouttheleasthesitationthetrueloveofGod,arenotentirelyinappropriateinmycaseaswell.
Provideneithergold,norsilver,norbrassinyourpurses,
Norscripforyourjourney,neithertwocoats,neithershoes,noryetstaves:
Behold,Isendyouforthassheepinthemidstofwolves;beyethereforewiseasserpents,andharmlessasdoves.
Andfearnotthemwhichkillthebody,butarenotabletokillthesoul:butratherfearhimwhichisabletodestroyb
inhell.
ThinknotthatIamcometosendpeaceonearth:Icamenottosendpeace,butasword.
ForIamcometosetamanatvarianceagainsthisfather,andthedaughteragainsthermother,andthedaughterin
motherinlaw.
Andaman'sfoesshallbetheyofhisownhousehold.
Hethatlovethfatherormothermorethanmeisnotworthyofme:andhethatlovethsonordaughtermorethanme
me.
Andhethattakethnothiscross,andfollowethafterme,isnotworthyofme.
Hethatfindethhislifeshallloseit:andhethatlosethhislifeformysakeshallfindit.

Outbreakofhostilities.
IfbecauseofloveIweretosweartoobeywithoutfailtheseteachingsofJesus,totheveryletter,IwonderifHewou
Whyisphysicallovebadandspirituallovegood?Idon'tunderstand.Ican'thelpfeelingthattheyarethesame.Iwould
amshewhocoulddestroyherbodyandsoulinGehennaforthesakeofalove,forthesakeofapassionshecouldnotun
thesakeofthesorrowtheyengendered.

MyunclearrangedforthecremationinIzuandtheobservancesinTokyo.NaojiandIthenbeganourlifetogether,o
thatevenwhenwemetfacetofacewedidnotspeak.NaojisoldallofMother'sjewelry,stylingit"capital"forhispublis
WhenhehadexhaustedhimselfindrinkinginTokyo,hewouldcomestaggeringback,hisfacedeathlypale,likeapatie
stagesofsometerribledisease.
Oneafternoonheturnedupwithagirl,wholookedlikeadancer.Thismadethingsevenmoreawkwardthanwasus
suggested,"WoulditbeallrightifIwenttoTokyotoday?I'dliketovisitafriendIhaven'tseeninyears.I'llspendtwoo
withher.Youwon'tmindlookingafterthehouse,willyou?Youcanhavethegirlcookforyou."
IdidnothesitateamomenttotakeadvantageofNaoji'sweakness.Thus,quitenaturally,displayingthewisdomofth
stuffedmybagwithcosmeticsandfoodandleftforTokyotoseemylover.
NaojihadoncetoldmeafteracasualinquiryonmypartthatMr.Uehara'snewhousewasabouttwentyminutes'wal
exitoftheOgikuboStationontheTokyoSuburbanLine.Ablusteryautumnwindwasblowingthatday.Itwasalreadyg
whenIgotoffatOgikuboStation.IstoppedapasserbytoaskwhereMr.Uehara'shousewas,butevenafterbeinginform
aimlesslyforclosetoanhourthroughthedarkalleys.Ifeltsoforlornthatthetearscame.AllofasuddenItrippedover
street,andthestrapofmysandalssnapped.AsIstoodtherehelplessly,wonderingwhattodo,Inoticedthenameplateo
housestomyright,awhitishblobinthedark.IintuitivelyfeltcertainthatthenameUeharawouldbewrittenonit.Ihob
entrance,onefootwithoutasandal.Ipeeredattheplate.Sureenough,itwasinscribed"UeharaJiro,"buttheinteriorof
dark.
Istoodmotionlessforanothermoment,atalosswhattodo.Atlength,withakindofwilddesperation,Ipressedmy
doorasifabouttocollapseoverit.
"Excuseme,"Icalled,strokingtheframeofthewindowpaneswiththefingertipsofbothhands."Mr.Uehara,"Iwh
Therewasananswer.Butitwasawoman'svoice.
Theentrancedoorwasopenedfromtheinside,andawomanwithathinface,somethreeorfouryearsolderthanIa
oldfashionedscent,appearedinthedarkhall.Therewastheflashofasmileassheasked,"Whoisitplease?"Icouldde
threatinhertone.
"Oh,excuseme,I"ButIhadmissedthechancetosaymyname.Shemighthavefoundmylovedishonorable.Tim
withservility,Iasked,"IsMr.Ueharaathome?"
"No."Shelookedatmyfacewithanexpressionofpity,adding,"Butheusuallygoes...."
"Farfromhere?"
"No."Sheputonehandtohermouthasifamused."It'sinOgikubo.IfyougototheShiraishilunchstandinfrontof
generallyknowwhereheis."
Icouldhaveleapedwithexcitement.
"Oh,whatisthematterwithyoursandal?"Sheinvitedmeinside.Iwentintothehallandsatonabench.Mrs.Uehar
leatherstrapwhichIusedtoreplacethebrokenone.WhileIbusiedmyselfrepairingthesandal,shelightedacandleand
thehall."I'msorry,butbothofourelectricbulbshaveburnedout.It'sshocking,isn'tit,howterriblydearbulbshavebec
andhowquicklytheyburnout?IfmyhusbandwereathomeIcouldgethimtobuyanotherone,buthehasn'tcomehom
running,andmydaughterandIhavebeengoingtobedearlywithoutapennyinourpockets!"
Shespokewithagenuinelyunselfconscioussmile.Behindherstoodathinlittlegirlofabouttwelvewithbigeyesan

suggestedthatshedidnotoftentaketopeople.Ididnotactuallyconsiderthemmyenemies,butIcouldbequitesuretha
womanandchildwouldthinkofmeinthosetermsandhateme.AtthisthoughtIfeltasifmylovehadallofasuddenc
changingthestraponmysandal,stoodup,andclappedmyhandstogethertobrushoffthedirt.Anunbearablyintensefo
crowdedinonmeatthatmoment.IconsideredrushingintothedarknessofthesittingroomtoclutchMrs.Uehara'shan
weepwithher.Itrembledviolentlyatthethought,onlytogiveitupinsuddendismaywhenIrealizedthehypocritical,i
unattractivefigureIshouldlatermake.
"I'mmostgratefultoyou,"Isaidand,makingapreposterouslypolitebow,fledoutside.Thewindlaceratedme.Outb
hostilities.Ilovehim,Ilongforhim.Ireallylovehim,yes,Ireallywanthim.IlovehimsomuchIcan'thelpit.Iwanth
can'thelpit.Yes.Iamquiteawarethathiswifeisanunusuallysweetpersonandhislittlegirlislovely,butIhavebeen
platformofjudgment,andIhaven'tatraceofguiltyconscience.Manwasbornforloveandrevolution.Thereisnoreaso
punishme.Iamnotintheleastwicked.Ireallylovehimandthere'snothingIwon'tdotobewithhim.I'llspendtwo,th
sleepinginthefieldsifnecessary.Yes,Iwill.
IhadnotroublefindingtheShiraishilunchstandinfrontofthestation.Hewasnotthere.
"He'satAsagaya,I'msureofit.YouheadstraightforthenorthexitoftheAsagayaStationand,let'ssee,yougoabo
fiftyyards,Iguess.Thereyou'llfindahardwareshop,andyougorightfromthere,fiftyyardsorso,andyou'llfindalitt
calledtheWillow.Mr.Ueharaishavinganaffairwithoneofthewaitresses,andhespendsallhistimethere.That'swhe
businessnow."
Iwenttothestation,boughtaticket,andboardedaToykoboundtrain.IgotoffatAsagaya,leftbythenorthexit,an
directionsuntilIreachedtheWillow.Itwascompletelydeserted.
"Hejustleftinagreatcrowdofpeople.TheysaidtheyweregoingtospendthenightdrinkingattheChidoriinNish
waitresswasyoungerthanI,selfpossessed,refined,andfriendly.Iwonderedifshewasthegirlwithwhomhewashavi
"TheChidori?WhereinNishiogiisthat?"Ifeltdiscouragedandonthevergeoftears.IwonderedsuddenlyifIhadn
insane.
"Idon'tknowexactly,butIthinkit'ssomewherenearthestation,totheleft.InanycaseI'msureyoucanfindoutify
policebox.Buthe'snotthekindofmantobesatisfiedwithjustoneplace,andhemaybetrappedsomewhereonthewa
"I'llgototheChidoriandsee.Goodbye."
Againthetrain,thistimeintheoppositedirection.IgotoffatNishiogiandwanderedaboutinthegaleuntilIfound
TheytoldmethewaytotheChidori,andIhurriedalongthedarkstreets,almostrunning.IspiedthebluelanternoftheC
withouthesitationslidopenthedoor.Inasmallsmokefilledroom,tenorsopeopleweresittingaroundalargetable,ca
rowdy,drinkingparty.Threeofthemweregirls,somewhatyoungerthanI,drinkingandsmokinglikethemen.
Isteppedinside,castaglancearoundtheroom,andsawhim.IfeltasifIweredreaming.Hewasdifferent.Sixyears
anentirelydifferentperson.
Washemyrainbow,M.C.,myreasonforliving?Sixyears.Hishairwasasunkemptasbefore,butithadnowbecom
andthin.Hisfacewasbloatedandsallow,andtherimsofhiseyes,aharshred.Someofhisfrontteethweremissing,an
continuallymumbling.Hegavemethefeelingofanoldmonkeysquattingwithitsbackhunchedoverinthecornerofa
OneofthegirlsnoticedmeandflashedasignalwithhereyestoMr.Uehara.Stillseated,hestuckouthislongneck
andexpressionlesslymotionedmeinwithhischin.Theothermembersofthepartywentonwiththeirloudmerrymakin
indifferenttome,althoughtheydidinfactmovealittlecloser,tomakeroomformenexttoMr.Uehara.
Isatdownwithoutsayinganything.Mr.Ueharafilledmyglasswithsaketothebrim.Hethenfilledhisownandmu
"Drinkup!"
Ourglassesweaklytouchedandmadeasadlittleclink.
"Guillotine,guillotine,shooshooshoo,"shoutedsomeone,andthechantwastakenupbyanotherman,"Guillotine,gu
shooshooshoo."Theybangedtheirglassestogetherwithaloudclangingandgulpeddownmoresake.Groupaftergroup
meaninglessrefrain,andagainandagaintheybangedtheirglassesanddrainedthem.Itwasasifthatimbecilicrhythmw
themwiththeimpetustopourtheliquorwildlydowntheirthroats.
Nosoonerdidoneoftheirnumberlurchoff,mumblinghisexcuses,thananewguestwouldstraggleinand,withab
Uehara,wedgehiswayintotheparty.

"Mr.Uehara,youknow,overthereisaplacecalledAhahah.Howwouldyoubestpronounceit?IsitAhahahorAh
leaningforwardtoaskthisquestionwastheactor,Fujita,whomIdistinctlyrememberedhavingseenonthestage.
"It'sAhahah.Youshouldsay,Ahahah,theliquoratChidoriisnotcheap."ThisfromMr.Uehara.
Oneofthegirls:"Theonlythingyoutalkaboutismoney."
Ayounggentleman:"Is'twoswallowsforafarthing'expensiveorcheap?"
Anothergentleman:"ItsaysintheBiblethatyouhavetopaythelastfarthing.Onemangotfivetalents,anothergot
anotheronewhatahorriblylongwindedparablethatis!Christ'sbookkeepingwasremarkablydetailed."
Anothergentleman:"What'smorehewasadrinker.It'sfunnyhowmanyparablesaboutliquoryoufindintheBible.
criticizespeoplewholikewine,butyounoteitdoesn'tsayawordaboutthemanwhodrinksliquor,onlyabouttheman
ThatprovesChristwasquiteadrinker.I'llbethecouldhaveputawaytwoquartsatonesitting."
"That'senough,enough.YewhoarefrightenedbyvirtuearetryingtouseJesusasanexcuse.Let'sdrink!Guillotine,
shooshooshoo."Mr.Ueharaviolentlybangedhisglassagainsttheglassoftheyoungestandprettiestofthegirlsandtook
liquordribbledfromthecornersofhismouthdowntohischin,whichhesavagelywipedwithhispalm.Thenhegaveou
enormoussneezes.
Istoodupquietlyandwenttothenextroom.Iaskedthemadam,apalethinwomanwholookedunwell,forthelava
crossedthroughtheroomonthewaybacktotheparty,Chie,theprettyyounggirlIhadnoticedbefore,wasstandingthe
waitingforme.
"Aren'tyouatallhungry?"sheaskedwithafriendlysmile.
"No.Ihavesomebreadwithme."
"Wehaven'tmuchtooffer,butpleasetakewhatthereis,"saidthesicklookingmadam,leaningwearilyoverthehea
abiteinhere.Ifyoustaywiththosedrunkards,youwon'tgetathingtoeatallnight.Pleasesitdown,here,nexttoChie.
"Hey,Kinu,we'reoutofliquor,"shoutedagentle.maninthenextroom.
"Coming!"themaidnamedKinucriedassheemergedfromthekitchencarryingatrayoftensakebottles.
"Justaminute,"themadamstoppedher,"Let'shavetwobottlesoverhere."Sheaddedwithasmile,"AndKinu,I'm
you,butpleasegotoSuzuya'sandgettwobowlsofnoodlesasquickasyoucan."
IsatnexttoChiebytheheaterandwarmedmyhands.
"Dositmorecomfortably.Here,onacushion.Hasn'titturnedcold!Aren'tyoudrinkinganything?"Themadampou
fromthebottleintohercupandthenfilledourtwocups.
Thethreeofusdrankinsilence.
"Youbothcanholdyourliquor,Isee!"themadamsaidinacuriouslyintimatetone.
Therewasarattleasthefrontdoorwasopened."I'vebroughtit,Mr.Uehara,"ayoungman'svoicesaid."Theowner
managedtogettenthousandyenevenafterholdingoutfortwentythousand."
"Acheck?"Mr.Uehara'shoarsevoicebarked.
"No,it'sincash.I'msorry."
"That'sallright.I'llgiveyouareceipt."
Thecompanycontinuedtoroarthedrinkingsong,"Guillotine,guillotine,shooshooshoo"withoutanyletupevendu
conversation.
"HowisNaoji?"themadamaskedChiewithanearnestexpression.Iwastakenaback.
"HowshouldIknow?I'mnothiskeeper,"Chieansweredinconfusionwithaprettyblush.
Themadamwentonimperturbably,"Iwonderifsomethingunpleasanthasn'thappenedoflatebetweenhimandMr.
alwaysusedtobetogether."
"I'mtoldhe'stakenupdancing.He'sprobablygotadancerforhissweetheartnow."
"Naoji'snotaveryeconomicaltypewomenontopofliquor!"
"That'sthewayMr.Ueharaplannedit."
"Naoji'scharactermustbebad.Whenthatkindofspoiledchildgoesbad"
"Excuseme,"Isaid,interruptingwithahalfsmile.Ithoughtitwouldprobablybemoreimpolitetokeepsilentthant
Naoji'ssister."

Themadam,obviouslystartled,lookedagainatmyface.Chiesaidineventones,"You'reverymuchlikehim.When
standingoutside,itgavemequiteaturnforaminute.IthoughtitmightbeNaoji."
"Oh,indeed?"saidthemadam,hervoicetakingonanoteofrespect,"Andforyoutocometosuchadreadfulplace!
Mr.Ueharabefore?"
"Yes,Imethimsixyearsago."Ichokedovermywordsandlookeddown.
Themaidenteredwiththenoodles."Sorrytohavekeptyouwaiting."
Themadamofferedmesome."Pleaseeatbeforeitgetscold."
"Thankyou."Ithrustmyfaceinthesteamrisingfromthenoodlesandbegantosucktheminquickly.Ifeltasifnow
experiencingwhatextrememiseryisinvolvedinbeingalive.
Mr.Ueharaenteredtheroom,hummingfaintly,
"Guillotine,guillotine,shooshooshoo."Heploppeddownbesidemeandwithoutawordhandedalargeenvelopetot
Themadam,notsomuchasglancinginsidetheenvelope,thrustitintoadrawer.Shesaidwithalaugh,"Don'tthink
withjustthis.Iwon'tbetrickedoutofthebalance."
"I'llbringit.I'llpaytherestnextyear."
"AmItobelievethat?"
Tenthousandyen.Howmanyelectricbulbscanyoubuywiththat?Icouldeasilyliveforayearonthat.
Therewassomethingwrongaboutthesepeople.Butperhaps,justasitistrueofmylove,theycouldnotgoonliving
waytheydo.Ifitistruethatman,oncebornintotheworld,mustsomehowliveouthislife,perhapstheappearancethat
ordertogothroughwithit,evenifitisasuglyastheirappearance,shouldnotbedespised.Tobealive.Tobealive.An
immenseundertakingbeforewhichonecanonlygaspinapprehension.
"Atanyrate,"saidagentleman'svoiceinthenextroom,"ifpeoplelikeuslivinginTokyocannothenceforthgreeton
lightestpossibleway,withthemerestsuggestionofahello,lifeonacivilizedplanewillbefinished.Forpeoplenowada
suchvirtuesasrespectorsincerityislikepullingonthefeetofamanhangingbytheneck.Respect?Sincerity?Rubbish
livingwiththem,canyou?Unlesswecansayhello,reallycasually,thereareonlythreepossiblecoursesleftreturnto
suicide,orbecomingagigolo."
"Apoordevilwhocan'tdoanyoneofthethreestillhasafinalalternative,"saidanothergentleman."HecantouchU
andgetroaringdrunk."
Guillotine,guillotine,shooshooshoo.Guillotine,guillotine,shooshooshoo.
"Idon'tsupposeyouhaveanywheretospendthenight,haveyou?"Mr.Ueharaaskedhalfunderhisbreath.
"I?"Iwasconsciousofthesnakewithitsheadliftedagainstitself.Hostility.Itwasanemotionclosetohatredwhich
body.
Mr.Uehara,payingnoattentiontomyobviousanger,mumbledon,"Canyousleepinthesameroomwithalltheres
"That'snotpossible,"interpolatedthemadam."Haveaheart."
Mr.Ueharaclickedhistongueagainsthisteeth."Inthatcasesheoughtn'ttohavecomehereinthefirstplace."
Iremainedsilent.IcouldtellatoncefromsomethinginhistonethathehadreadmylettersandinthatinstantIknew
morethananyoneelse.
Hecontinued,"Itcan'tbehelped.MightbeagoodideatoaskatFukui'sforabed.Chie,takeheroverthere,won'tyo
thought,itwouldbedangerousinthestreetsfortwowomenalone.Damnednuisance.I'llhavetoshowherthewaymys
Outsideyoucouldtellitwasthemiddleofthenight.Thewindhaddieddownalittleandtheskywasfilledwithshin
walkedsidebyside.Isaid,"Icouldperfectlywellhavesleptinthesameroomwiththeothers."
Mr.Ueharamerelygruntedsleepily.
"Youwantedjustthetwoofustobetogether,didn'tyou?"Ispokewithalittlelaugh.
Hetwistedhismouthintoabittersmile."That'sthenuisanceofit."Iwasintensely,almostpainfully,awareofthefa
hefeltforme.
"Youdrinkagreatdeal.Isitlikethateverynight?"
"Everyday.Frommorning."
"Doestheliquortastesogood?"

"Itstinks."
Somethinginhisvoicemademeshudder."Howisyourworkcoming?"
"Nogood.WhateverIwritenowisstupidanddepressing.Thetwilightoflife.Thetwilightofart.Thetwilightofma
bathos!"
"Utrillo,"ImurmuredbeforeIknewit.
"Yes,Utrillo.Theysayhe'sstillalive.Avictimofalcohol.Acorpse.Hispaintingsofthelasttenyearshavebeeninc
andworthlesswithoutexception."
"It'snotonlyjustUtrillo,isit?Alltheothermasterstoo."
"Yes,they'vealllosttheirvitality.Butthenewshootshavealsolosttheirvitality,blastedinthebud.Frost.It'sastho
unseasonablefrosthadfallenalloverthewholeworld."
Hisarmlaylightlyaroundmyshoulders.Itwasasifmybodywerebeingenvelopedinhiscape,butIdidnotdenyh
thecloseraswewalkedslowlyon.
Thebranchesoftreesbesidetheroad.Branchesdestituteofevenasingleleaf,narrow,sharp,stabbingthenightsky.
beautiful,aren'tthey?"Iwhispered,almosttomyself.
"Youmeantheharmonybetweentheblossomsandtheblackbranches?"heaskedinasomewhatconfusedtone.
"No,I'mnotreferringtotheblossomsortheleavesorthebudsoranythingelse.Ilovebranches.Evenwhenthey're
they'refullyalive.They'renotabitlikedeadbranches."
"YoumeanonlyNatureretainshervitality?"Hethereupongaveseveralmoreofhistremendoussneezes.
"Haveyoucaughtacold?"
"No,Ihaven't.Ihaveafunnyhabitwhenevermydrunkennessreachesthesaturationpoint,allatonceIstarttosneez
somethingofabarometerofmyintoxication."
"Whataboutlove?"
"What?"
"Istheresomeone?Someonewhoisapproachingthesaturationpoint?"
"Don'tmakefunofme!Womenareallalikethey'resodamnedcomplicated.Guillotine,guillotine,shooshooshoo.A
thereissomeone,no,halfasomeone."
"Didyoureadmyletters?"
"Yes."
'Whatanswerhaveyoutomake?"
"Idon'tlikethearistocracy.There'salwaysakindofoffensivearrogancehoveringaroundthem.YourbrotherNaoji
foranaristocrat,buteverynowandthenevenhedisplaysanaffectationIsimplycan'tputupwith.Iamafarmer'sboy,a
astreamlikethisonewithoutanalmostpainfullysharprecollectionofthedayswhenIusedtofishforsilvercarporsco
withanetinthestreamsathome."
Wewerewalkingonaroadwhichfollowedastreamthatflowedwithafaintrustleatthebottomofthedarkness.
"Youaristocratsarenotonlyabsolutelyincapableofunderstandingourfeelings,butyoudespisethem."
"WhataboutTurgenev?"
"Hewasanaristocrat.That'swhyIdislikehim."
"EvenhisSportsman'sSketches?"
"Thatbookit'shisonlyoneisnotbad."
"Itreallycapturesthefeelingofvillagelife."
"Hewasarusticaristocratshallwecompromiseonthat?"
"I'malsoacountrygirlnow.Icultivateafield.Apoorcountrygirl."
"Doyoustillloveme?"Hisvoicewasrough."Doyouwantachildfromme?"
Ididnotanswer.
Hisfaceapproachedminewiththeforceofalandslide,andIwasfuriouslykissed.Thekissesreekedofdesire.Iwep
them.Mytearswerebitter,liketearsofshameoverahumiliation.Thetearspouredfrommyeyes.
Aswewalkedagain,sidebyside,hespoke."I'vemadeamessofitI'vefallenforyou."Helaughed.

Iwasincapableoflaughter.Icontractedmybrowsandpursedmylips.IfIweretohaveexpressedmyfeelingsinwo
havebeensomethinglike"Itcan'tbehelped."IrealizedthatIwasdraggingmyfeetinadesolatewalk.
"I'vemadeamessofit,"themansaidagain."Shallwegothroughwithit?"
"Don'tstrikeapose!"
"Youdevil!"Mr.Uehararappedmyshoulderwithhisfistandagaingaveagreatsneeze.
EveryoneseemedtobeasleepatMr.Fukui'shouse.
"Telegram,telegram!Mr.Fukui,it'satelegram!"Mr.Ueharashouted,beatingonthedoor.
"Isthatyou,Uehara?"aman'svoicecalled.
"Quitecorrect.Theprinceandtheprincesshavecometobeganight'slodgings.It'ssocoldthatallIcandoissneeze
tosomuchtrouble,ourlovers'journeyiswindingupasacomedy."
Thefrontdoorwasopened.Ashortbaldmanofaboutfiftyingaudypajamasgreeteduswithacuriouslyshysmile.
"Please."ThiswastheonlywordMr.Ueharaspokeashechargedintothehouse,withoutsomuchasremovinghisc
ishopelesslycold.I'lltakethesecondfloorroom.Comeon."Hetookmebythehandandledmethroughthehailtoast
whichweclimbed.Weenteredadarkroom.Mr.Ueharaswitchedonthelights.
"It'slikeaprivatediningroominarestaurant,isn'tit?"Isaid.
"Thetastesofthenouveauriche.Still,it'smuchtoogoodforarottenartistlikeFukui.Whenyou'vegotthedevil'so
immunefromtheusualrunofdisasters.Suchpeoplemustbeutilized.Well,tobed,tobed."
Hestartedpullingbeddingoutofthecupboardasifhewereinhisownhome."Yousleephere.I'mgoing.I'llcomef
morning.Thetoiletisdownstairsandtotheright."Hethumpedsoloudlydownthestairsthatitsoundedasthoughheha
Thatwasall.Theplacebecameabsolutelystill.
Iswitchedoffthelightagain,removedmyvelvetcoatmadeofmaterialFatheroncehadbroughtbackasasouvenir
crawledintobedstillinmykimono,barelylooseningmyobi.Mybodyfeltheavy,probablybecauseoftheliquorIhadd
alreadyfatigued,andIsoondozedoff.
Idon'tknowwhenithappened,butIopenedmyeyestofindhimlyingnexttome.ForalmostanhourImaintaineda
wordlessresistance.
SuddenlyIfeltsorryforhimandyielded.
"Isthislifeyouareleadingtheonlyreliefyoucanget?"
"That'saboutit."
"Butdoesn'tittellonyourbody?I'msureyou'vecoughedblood."
"Howdoyouknow?Asamatteroffact,Ihadaratherseriousbouttheotherday,butIhaven'ttoldanyone."
"It'sthesamesmellasbeforeMotherdied."
"Idrinkoutofdesperation.Lifeistoodrearytoendure.Themisery,loneliness,crampednessthey'reheartbreakin
canhearthegloomysighsofwoefromthefourwallsaroundyou,youknowthatthere'snotachanceofhappinessexisti
Whatfeelingsdoyousupposeamanhaswhenherealizesthathewillneverknowhappinessorgloryaslongashelives
thatamountstoisfoodforthewildbeastsofhunger.Therearetoomanypitifulpeople.Isthataposeagain?"
"No."
"Onlylove.Justasyouwroteinyourletters."
"Yes."
Mylovewasextinguished.
Whentheroombecamefaintlylight,Istaredatthefaceofthemansleepingbesideme.Itwasthefaceofamansoon
exhaustedface.
Thefaceofavictim.Apreciousvictim.
Myman.Myrainbow.MyChild.Hatefulman.Unprincipledman.
Itseemedtomethenafaceofabeautyunmatchedinthewholeworld.Mybreastthrobbedwiththesensationofresu
kissedhimasIstrokedhishair.
Thesad,sadaccomplishmentoflove.
Mr.Uehara,hiseyesstillshut,tookmeinhisarms."Iwasallwrong.Whatdoyouexpectofafarmer'sson?"

Icouldneverleavehim.
"Iamhappynow.EvenifIweretohearthefourwallsallshriekinanguish,myfeelingofhappinesswouldstillbea
point.IamsohappyIcouldsneeze."
Mr.Ueharalaughed."Butit'stoolatenow.It'sduskalready."
"It'smorning!"
ThatmorningmybrotherNaojicommittedsuicide.

CHAPTERSEVEN/THETESTAMENT
Naoji'stestament:

Kazuko.
It'snouse.I'mgoing.
IcannotthinkoftheslightestreasonwhyIshouldhavetogoonliving.
Onlythosewhowishtogoonlivingshould.
Justasamanhastherighttolive,heoughtalsotohavetherighttodie.
ThereisnothingnewinwhatIamthinking:itissimplythatpeoplehavethemostinexplicableaversiontothisobvio
primitiveideaandrefusetocomeoutwithitplainly.
Thosewhowishtogoonlivingcanalwaysmanagetosurvivewhateverobstaclestheremaybe.Thatissplendidofth
daresaythatwhatpeoplecallthegloryofmankindiscomprisedofjustsuchathing.ButIamconvincedthatdyingisno
Itispainfulfortheplantwhichismyselftoliveintheatmosphereandlightofthisworld.Somewhereanelementisl
wouldpermitmetocontinue.Iamwanting.IthasbeenallIcoulddotostayaliveuptonow.
WhenIenteredhighschoolandfirstcameincontactwithfriendsofanaggressivelysturdystock,boyswhohadgrow
entirelydifferentfrommyown,theirenergyputmeonthedefensive,andintheeffortnottogiveintothem,Ihadrecou
inafrenzyIresistedthem.Later,whenIbecameasoldier,itwasasalastresortforstayingalivethatItooktoopium.Y
understandwhatIwasgoingthrough,canyou?
Iwantedtobecomecoarse,tobestrongno,brutal.IthoughtthatwastheonlywayIcouldqualifymyselfasa"fri
people."Liquorwasnotenough.Iwasperpetuallypreytoaterribledizziness.ThatwaswhyIhadnochoicebuttotake
forgetmyfamily.Ihadtoopposemyfather'sblood.Ihadtorejectmymother'sgentleness.Ihadtobecoldtomysister
otherwiseIwouldnotbeabletosecureanadmissionticketfortheroomsofthepeople.
Ibecamecoarse.Ilearnedtousecoarselanguage.Butitwashalfno,sixtypercentawretchedimposture,ano
trickery.Asfarasthe"people"wereconcerned,Iwasastuckupprigwhoputthemallonedgewithmyaffectedairs.Th
reallyunbendandrelaxwithme.Ontheotherhand,itisnowimpossibleformetoreturntothosesalonsIgaveup.Even
mycoarsenessissixtypercentartifice,theremainingfortypercentisgenuinenow.Theintolerablegentilityoftheuppe
turnsmystomach,andIcouldnotendureitforaninstant.Andthosedistinguishedgentlemen,thoseeminentcitizens,as
wouldberevoltedbymyatrociousmannersandsoonostracizeme.Ican'treturntotheworldIabandoned,andallthe"
(withafulsomepolitenessthatisfilledwithmalice)isaseatinthevisitor'sgallery.
Itmaybetruethatinanysocietydefectivetypeswithlowvitalitylikemyselfaredoomedtoperish,notbecauseofwh
anythingelse,butbecauseofthemselves.Ihave,however,someslightexcusetooffer.Ifeeltheoverwhelmingpressureo
whichmakeitextremelydifficultformetolive.
Allmenarealike.
Iwonderifthatmightbeaphilosophy.Idon'tbelievethatthepersonwhofirstthoughtupthisextraordinaryexpress
religiousmanoraphilosopheroranartist.Theexpressionassuredlyoozedforthfromsomepublicbarlikeagrub,with

havingpronouncedit,anexpressionfatedtooverturnthewholeworldandrenderitrepulsive.
Thisastonishingassertionhasabsolutelynoconnectionwithdemocracy,orwithMarxismforthatmatter.Withoutq
remarkatabarhurledbyanuglymanatahandsomeone.Itwassimpleirritation,or,ifyouwill,jealousyandhadnoth
ideologyoranythingofthekind.
Butwhatbeganasanangrycryofjealousyinapublicbarassumedapeculiarlydoctrinairecastofcountenancetos
commonpeople,andaremarkwhichobviouslyhadnopossibleconnectionwithdemocracyorMarxismattacheditselfb
ontopoliticalandeconomicdoctrineandcreatedanunbelievablysordidmess.
IimaginethatMephistohimselfwouldhavefoundthetrickofconvertingsuchanabsurdutteranceintodoctrinesog
hisconsciencethathewouldhavehesitatedoverit.
Allmenarealike.
Whataservileremarkthatis.Anutterancethatdegradesitselfatthesametimethatitdegradesmen,lackinginallp
bringabouttheabandonmentofalleffort.Marxismproclaimsthesuperiorityoftheworkers.Itdoesnotsaythattheyar
Democracyproclaimsthedignityoftheindividual.Itdoesnotsaythattheyareallthesame.Onlytheloutwillassert,"Y
howmuchheputson,he'sjustahimanbeing,sameastherestofus."
Whydoeshesay"same."Can'thesay"superior"?Thevengeanceoftheslavementality!
Thestatementisobsceneandloathsome.Ibelievethatallofthesocalled"anxietyoftheage"menfrightenedby
everyknownprincipleviolated,effortmocked,happinessdenied,beautydefiled,honordraggeddownoriginatesint
expression.
Imustadmit,althoughIwasentirelyconvincedofthehideousnessoftheexpression,thatitintimidatedme.Itremble
shyandembarrassed,whateverIattemptedtodo,throbbedceaselesslywithanxiety,andwaspowerlesstoact.Ineeded
themomentarypeacethatthevertigoofdrinkanddrugscouldafford.Theneverythingwentastray.
Imustbeweak.Theremustbeaseriousdeficiencysomewhere.Icanjustheartheoldloutsayingwithasnicker,"W
rationalizingfor?Anyonecanseethathe'saplayboyfromwayback,alazy,lecherous,selfishchildofpleasure."Upto
havespokenofmethatwayIhavealwaysnoddedvaguelyinembarrassment,butnowthatIamonthepointofdeath,Iw
awordbywayofprotest.
Kazuko.
Pleasebelieveme.
Ihaveneverderivedtheleastjoyoutofamusements.Perhapsthatisasignoftheimpotenceofpleasure.Iranriota
intowilddiversionsoutofthesimpledesiretoescapefrommyownshadowbeinganaristocrat.
1wonderifwearetoblame,afterall.Isitourfaultthatwewerebornaristocrats?Merelybecausewewerebornin
arecondemnedtospendourwholelivesinhumiliation,apologies,andabasement,likesomanyJews.
Ishouldhavediedsooner.Buttherewasonething:Mama'slove.WhenIthoughtofthatIcouldn'tdie.It'strue,as1
justasmanhastherighttoliveashechooses,hehastherighttodiewhenhepleases,andyetaslongasmymotherrem
thattherighttodeathwouldhavetobeleftinabeyance,fortoexerciseitwouldhavemeantkillinghertoo.
NowevenifIdie,noonewillbesogrievedastodohimselfbodilyharm.No,Kazuko,Iknowjusthowmuchsadness
causeyou.Undoubtedlyyouwillweepwhenyoulearnthenewsapart,ofcourse,fromsuchornamentalsentimentality
indulgeinbutifyouwillpleasetrytothinkofmyjoyatbeingliberatedcompletelyfromthesufferingoflivingandthi
itself,Ibelievethatyoursorrowwillgraduallydissolve.
Anymanwhocriticizesmysuicideandpassesjudgmentonmewithanexpressionofsuperiority,declaring(without
help)thatIshouldhavegoneonlivingmyfullcomplementofdays,isassuredlyaprodigyamongmenquitecapableoft
theEmperortoopenafruitshop.
Kazuko.
Iambetteroffdead.Ihaven'tthecapacitytostayalive.Ihaven'tthestrengthtoquarrelwithpeopleovermoney.Ic
peopleforahandout.EvenwhenIwentdrinkingwithMr.Uehara,Ialwayspaidmyshareofthebill.Hehatedmefori
cheapprideofthearistocracy,butitwasnotoutofpridethatIpaid.Iwastoofrightenedtobeabletodrinkortoholda
armswithmoneythathadcomefromhiswork.IusedtopassitoffbysayingthatIactedoutofrespectforMr.Uehara's
wasalie.Idon'treallyunderstandmyselfwhyIdidit.Itwasjustthatbeingpaidforbyotherpeoplewassomehowdistu

particularintolerablypainfulandrepugnanttobeentertainedwithmoneygainedbyanotherperson'sownefforts.
AndwhenIwasreducedtotakingmoneyandbelongingsfrommyownhouse,causingMamaandyoutosuffer,itdid
slightestpleasure.ThepublishingbusinessIplannedwasjustafronttoconcealmyembarrassmentIwasnotatallin
ofmystupidityIwasatleastawarethatsomeonewhocouldnotevenstandbeingboughtadrinkwouldbeutterlyincapa
money,andtherewasnouseinbeingearnest.
Kazuko.
Wehavebecomeimpoverished.WhileIwasaliveandstillhadthemeans,Ialwaysthoughtofpayingforothers,but
survivebybeingpaidforbyothers.
Kazuko.
WhymustIgoonlivingafterwhathashappened?It'suseless.Iamgoingtodie.Ihaveapoisonthatkillswithoutpa
wasasoldierandhavekeptiteversince.
Kazuko,youarebeautiful(Ihavealwaysbeenproudofmybeautifulmotherandsister)andyouareintelligent.Ihav
aboutyou.Ilackeventhequalificationstoworry.Icanonlyblushlikearobberwhosympathizeswithhisvictim!Ife
willmarry,havechildren,andmanagetosurvivethroughyourhusband.
Kazuko.
Ihaveasecret.
Ihaveconcealeditforalong,longtime.EvenwhenIwasonthebattlefield,Ibroodedoveritanddreamedofher.I
manytimesIawokeonlytofindIhadweptinmysleep.
Ishallneverbeabletorevealhernametoanyone,butIthoughtthatIwouldatleasttellyou,mysister,everythinga
amnowonthepointofdeath.Idiscover,however,thatIamstillsoterriblyafraidthatIdarenotspeakhername.
AndyetIfeelthatifIdiekeepingthesecretabsoluteandleavetheworldwithitlockedwithinmybreastundisclosed
iscrematedtheinsidesofmybreastwillremaindanksmellingandunburned.ThisthoughtsodisquietsmethatImustte
you,aboutitindirectly,imprecisely,asifIwererelatingsomeoddbitoffiction.AndevenifIcallitfictionyouwill,I
recognizeimmediatelyofwhomIwrite.Itislessfictionthanakindofthindisguiseachievedbytheuseoffalsenames.
Doyouknow,Iwonder?
Iimaginethatyoudoknowabouther,althoughyouprobablyhavenevermet.Sheisalittleolderthanyou.Hereyes
Japaneseshape,likeanalmond,andshealwayswearsherhair(whichhasneverbeensubjectedtoapermanent)inave
Japanesestyle,tightlypulledbackfromherface.Herclothesareshabbybutspotlessandwornwitharealdistinction.S
certainmiddleagedpainterwhowonsuddenfameafterthewarbyproducingarapidsuccessionofpaintingsinanewi
isverywildanddissipated,buthiswifealwaysgoesaboutwithagentlesmileonherface,pretendingtobeundisturbed

Istoodup."Imustbegoingnow."
Shealsoroseandwalked,withnosuggestionofreserve,tomyside."Why?"sheasked,lookingatmyface.Hervoice
ordinarytimbre.Sheheldherheadalittletotheside,asifreallyindoubt,andlookedmestraightintheeyes.Inhereye
neithermalicenorpretence.Normally,ifmyeyeshadmethers,Iwouldhaveavertedtheminconfusion,butthatonetim
leastparticleofshyness.Forsixtysecondsormore,ourfacesaboutafootapart,Istaredintohereyes,feelingterriblyh
saidwithasmile,"But"
"He'llbebacksoon,"shesaid,herfacegrave.
Itsuddenlyoccurredtomethatwhatpeoplecall"honesty"mightwellrefertojustsuchanexpression.Iwonderedif
originallymeantwasnotsomethinglovablelikethatexpression,ratherthanthesternvirtuesmellingoftextbooksofmo
"I'llcomeagain."
"Do."
Ourwholeconversationfrombeginningtoendwascompletelyunimportant.OnesummerafternoonIhadcalledatt
apartment.Hewasout,butexpectedbackatanymoment.HiswifesuggestedthatIwait,andforhalfanhourIhadread
Whentherewerestillnosignsofhisreturning,Igotuptotakemyleave.Thatwasalltherewastoit,butIfellpainfully

eyesastheywerethatday.
Youmightevendescribethemas"noble."Icanonlysaywithcertaintythatnoneofthearistocratsamongwhomwe
Mamaasidewascapableofthatunguardedexpressionof"honesty."
ThenithappenedonewintereveningthatIwasstruckbyherprofile.Ihadbeendrinkingsincemorningwiththepai
apartment,andwehadroaredwithlaughterasweabusedthesocalled"Japanesemenofculture."Theartistfellasleep
loudlysnoring.Iwasalsodozingoffwhenablanketwasgentlythrownoverme.Iopenedmyeyesacrackandsawhers
herdaughterinherarmsnexttotheapartmentwindow,againsttheclearblueskyofaTokyowinter'sevening.Herregu
outlinesclearcutwiththebrillianceofaRenaissanceportrait,floatedagainstthebackgroundofthepaleblueofthedis
wasnothingofcoquetryordesireinthekindnesswhichhadimpelledhertothrowtheblanketoverme.Mightnotthewo
revivedtouseofsuchamoment?Shehadactedalmostwithoutconsciousnessofwhatshedid,asanaturalgestureofs
anotherperson,andnowshewasstaringatthedistantsky,inanatmosphereofstillnessexactlylikeapainting.
Ishutmyeyes.Ifeltsweepovermeawaveofloveandlonging.Tearsforcedtheirwaythroughmyeyelids,andIpul
overmyhead.
Kazuko.
AtfirstIusedtovisitthepainter'shousebecauseIwasintoxicatedbytheuniqueidiomofhisworksandthefanatica
inthem,butasIgrewmoreintimate,hislackofculture,hisirresponsibility,andhisdirtinessdisillusionedme.Iwasdra
proportiontothebeautyoffeelingofhiswife.No,itwasratherthatIwasinlovewithsomeoneoftrueaffections.Icame
painter'shousesolelyinthehopeofgettingaglimpseofhiswife.
Iamconvincedthatifanythingatallofartisticnobilityisdiscoverableinthepainter'sworks,itismostprobablyar
wife'sgentlespirit.
ThepainterIwillnowcomeoutwithexactlywhatIfeelisnothingbutacleverbusinessmanwithagreatcapac
debauchery.Whenheneedsmoneyforhispleasures,hedaubssomethingtogetherwhichhesellsatahighpricebyposi
artistandbytakingadvantageofthecurrentfads.Hisonlyassetsaretheshamelessnessofthecountryboor,astupidco
sharptalentforbusiness.
Heprobablyhasnocomprehensionwhatsoeverofthepaintingsofotherartists,foreignorJapanese,andIdoubtwh
understandswhathisownpicturesareallabout.Whatitamountstoisthatwhendrivenbyfinancialpressurehefrantic
paintontoacanvas.
Incrediblyenough,heapparentlyhasnodoubts,shame,orfearsabouttherubbishheproduces.Infact,heisquitep
And,giventhatheisthekindofmanwhodoesnotunderstandwhathehimselfhaspainted,onecannotexpecthimtoap
people'swork.Farfromitallhedoesiscarpandrail.
Inotherwords,althoughheisfondofrantingonabouttheagonieshesuffersinhislifeofdecadence,inpointoffac
stupidcountrybumpkinwhorealizedhisdreamsbycomingtothebigcityandscoringasuccessonascalequiteunimag
himself.Thissoinflatedhisegothatnowhespendshistimeinoneroundofpleasureafteranother.
OnceIsaidtohim,"Itmakesmefeelsoembarrassedandafraidif,whenallmyfriendsareoutamusingthemselves,
thatIcan'tdoathing.That'swhy,evenwhenIdon'tfeeltheleastlikegoingout,Ijointhecrowd."
Themiddleagedartistanswered,"What!That'swhattheymean,Isuppose,byanaristocraticdisposition.Itturnsm
Iseesomepeoplehavingagoodtime,IthinkwhatI'mmissingifIdon'tdothesame,andIreallythrowmyselfintoit."
Hisanswerwassopatthatitmademedespisehimfromtheheart.Nosufferingliesbehindhisdissipation.Ontheco
prideinhisstupidpleasures.Agenuineidiothedonist.
Icouldrelateanynumberofotherunpleasantthingsaboutthisartist,butafterallhedoesn'tconcernyou.Besides,n
abouttodie,Irememberalsothelongacquaintanceshipwehavehad,andIfeelsonostalgicforhimthatmyimpulseis
withhimoncemore.Idon'tbearhimanyhatred.Hehasmanyendearingqualities,andIshallsaynomoreofhim.
Ionlywouldlikeyoutoknowhowexcruciatingitwasformetospendmytimeinfruitlessyearningforhiswife.That
thatyouknow,thereisabsolutelynonecessityforyoutoplaythebusybodybyinforminganyoneofthisinthehopesof"
recognition"oftheloveyourbrotherborewhenhewasalive,oranysuchthing.Itisquitesufficientifjustyouknowita
enoughtomurmurtoyourself,"Wasthatwhathappened?"And,tovoiceonemorehope,Ishouldbeveryhappyifthiss
confessionofminemadeatleastyou,ifnooneelse,understandbetterthesufferingsIhavegonethrough.

OnceIdreamedIheldhandswithhiswife,andIknewatoncethatshehadlovedmefromlongbefore.EvenafterIw
dreams,thewarmthofherfingersremainedinthepalmofmyhand.ItoldmyselfthatIwouldhavetoresignmyselftoth
nothingmore.ItwasnotthatIwasintimidatedbythemoralityofthething,butthathalfmad,no,virtualmaniacofana
Aspartofmyresolvetogiveherup,Iattemptedtodirecttheflamesinmybreasttowardanotherobjectandrecklesslyt
wildorgieswithallsortsofwomen,whicheveronehappenedtobeavailable,sooutrageouslyinfactthateventheartist
disapprovinglyatmeonenight.Iwantedsomehowtofreemyselffromhiswife'senchantment,toforgetit,tohaveeveryt
donewith.Butitwasnouse.Iam,itwouldseem,amanwhocanonlyloveonewoman.Icanstateitquitepositively
feltanyofmywomenfriendswasbeautifulorlovableexcepther.
Kazuko.
IwouldlikeoncebeforeIdietowritehername.Suga.
Thatishername.
YesterdayIbroughtadancerhere(awomanofingrainedstupidity)forwhomIhavenottheleastaffection.Ineverd
arrivedthatIwouldbedyingthismorning,althoughIhadasamatteroffacthadapremonitionthatitwouldcertainlyn
Iwasdead.ThereasonwhyIbroughtthegirlherethismorningwasthatshehadbeggedmetotakeheronatripsomew
soexhaustedbymydissipationinTokyothatIthoughtitmightnotbeabadideatoresthereforacoupleofdayswithth
Iknewitwouldberatherawkwardforyou,butthetwoofuscameanyway.Whenyouleftforyourfriend'splaceinToky
flashedintomyhead"IfIamgoingtokillmyself,nowisthetime."
IalwaysusedtothinkthatIwouldliketodieinmyroominthehouseinNishikataStreet.SomehowIwasrepelledb
dyinginsomepublicplaceandhavingmycorpsehandledbytherabble.ButthehouseinNishikataStreetpassedintoot
hands,andIrealizedthatnowIhadnochoicebuttodieinthishouseinthecountry.Evenso,whenItoldmyselfthatyo
onetofindmybodyandimaginedhowalarmedthiswouldmakeyou,IfeltsohesitantaboutkillingmyselfthatIcouldn
gonethroughwithit.
Andnowthischance.Youarenothere,andinsteadanextremelydullwitteddancerwillbetheonetodiscovermysu
LastnightwedranktogetherandIputhertobedintheforeignstyleroomonthesecondfloor.Ilaidoutbeddingfor
roomdownstairswhereMamadied.ThenIbegantowritethiswretchedmemoir.
Kazuko.
Ihavenoroomforhope.Goodbye.
Inthelastanalysismydeathisanaturalonemancannotliveexclusivelyforprinciples.Ihaveonerequesttomak
embarrassesmeverymuch.YourememberthehempkimonoofMother'swhichyoualteredsothatIcouldwearitnexts
putitinmycoffin.Iwantedtowearit.
Thenighthasdawned.Ihavemadeyousufferalongtime.
Goodbye.
Mydrunkennessfromlastnighthasentirelywornoff.Ishalldiesober.
Oncemore,goodbye.
Kazuko.
Iam,afterall,anaristocrat.

CHAPTEREIGHT/VICTIMS
Nightmares.
Everyoneisleavingme.
ItookcareofeverythingafterNaoji'sdeath.ForamonthIlivedaloneinthehouseinthecountry.
ThenIwroteMr.Ueharawhatwasprobablytobemylastletter,withafeelingoffutility.

Itseemsthatyoutoohaveabandonedme.No,itseemsratherasthoughyouaregraduallyforgettingme.
ButIamhappy.Ihavebecomepregnant,asIhadhoped.IfeelasifIhadnowlosteverything.Nevertheless,thelittl
hasbecomethesourceofmysolitarysmiles.
Icannotpossiblythinkofitintermsofa"hideousmistake"oranythingofthesort.RecentlyIhavecometoundersta
thingsaswar,peace,unions,trade,politicsexistintheworld.Idon'tsupposeyouknow.That'swhyyouwillalwaysbeu
youwhyitissothatwomenwillgivebirthtohealthybabies.
FromthefirstIneversetmuchstockbyyourcharacteroryoursenseofresponsibility.Theonlythinginmymindwa
theadventureofmywholeheartedlove.Nowthatmydesirehasbeenfulfilled,thereisinmyheartthestillnessofamars
IthinkIhavewon.
EvenifMarygivesbirthtoachildwhoisnotherhusband's,ifshehasashiningpride,theybecomeaholymothera
Idisregardedtheoldmoralitywithaclearconscience,andIwillhaveasaresultthesatisfactionofagoodbaby.
Ipresumethatsincelastwemetyouhavebeencontinuingyourlifeofdecadenceorwhateveritiscalled,drinkingw
gentlementothetuneof"Guillotine,guillotine."Ihavenointentionofsuggestingthatyougivethatlifeup.Itwill,after
theformyourlaststruggletakes.
Inolongerhavethedesiretosay,"Giveupyourdrinking,takecareofyourhealth,leadalonglife,carrythroughyo
career,"oranyoftheotherhypocriticalinjunctions.ForallIknow,youmayearnthegratitudeoflaterpeoplemoreby
pursuingyourlifeofvicethanbyyour"splendidcareer."
Victims.Victimsofatransitionalperiodofmorality.Thatiswhatwebothcertainlyare.
Therevolutionmustbetakingplacesomewhere,buttheoldmoralitypersistsunchangedintheworldaroundusand
way.Howevermuchthewavesonthesurfaceofthe,seamayrage,thewateratthebottom,farfromexperiencingarevo
motionless,awake,butfeigningsleep.
ButIthinkthatinthisfirstengagement,Ihavebeenabletopushbacktheoldmorality,howeverlittle.AndIintendt
andathirdengagementtogetherwiththechildwhowillbeborn.
TogivebirthtothechildofthemanIlove,andtoraisehim,willbetheaccomplishmentofmymoralrevolution.
Evenifyouforgetme,andevenifonaccountofdrinkyoudestroyyourlife,IbelieveIshallbeabletogoonlivingh
sakeoftheaccomplishmentofmyrevolution.
NotlongagoIlearnedfromacertainpersoninconsiderabledetailabouttheworthlessnessofyourcharacter.Allth
whohavegivenmethisstrength,youwhohaveputtherainbowofrevolutioninmybreast.Itisyouwhohavegivenano
IamproudofyouandItrustIshallmakethechildwhoistobebornfeelproudofyou.
Abastardanditsmother.
Wewillliveinperpetualstrugglewiththeoldmorality,likethesun.
You,too,pleasetrytocontinuetofightyourstruggle.
Therevolutionisfarfromtakingplace.Itneedsmore,manymorevaluable,unfortunatevictims.
Inthepresentworld,themostbeautifulthingisavictim.
Therewasanotherlittlevictim.
Mr.Uehara.
Idonotfeellikeaskinganythingmoreofyou,butonbehalfofthatlittlevictimIshouldliketoaskyourindulgencei
Ishouldlikeyourwifetotakemychildinherarmsevenoncewilldoandletmesaythen,"Naojisecretlyhadt
certainwoman."
Whydothis?ThatisonethingwhichIcannottellanyone.No,IamnotevensuremyselfwhyIwantitdone.ButIam
thatyoudothisforme.PleasedoitforthesakeofNaoji,thatlittlevictim.
Areyouirritated?Evenifyouare,pleasebearwithme.Thinkthistheoneoffenseofadesertedwomanwhoisbeing
please,Ibegyou,grantit.
ToM

[INSIDE BACK COVER]

Shoji Tsushima (whose pen name was Osamu Dazai) was born into a wealthy landowning fami
Japan in 1909. He began writing short stories while studying French literature at Tokyo Imperial U
(which he left without a degree), and soon became well known among the younger generation in
least for his bohemianism and excesses. After World War II he gained wide recognition for his no
particularly The Setting Sun and No Longer Human. His works are autobiographical at least to th
we find in most of them the personage of a dissolute young man of good family, but Dazai was a
with a fertile imagination. Following several unsuccessful suicide attempts, he drowned himself
thirty-eight together with a lover.

Donald Keene is professor of Japanese at Columbia University. Among his many other translati
of Dazai's No Longer Human and works by Kobo Abe and Yukio Mishima. He is editor of Antholog
Literature and Modern Japanese Literature, and author of Japanese Literature: An Introduction fo
Readers and World Within Walls: Japanese Literature of the Premodern Era, 1600-1867. He rece
of the Rising Sun in 1974 for his service to Japanese literature.