Helping Children Cope with Anger

By Leah Davies, M.Ed.

All human beings experience anger. But children, in particular, have difficulty channeling their strong emotions
into acceptable outlets. Anger is a response to a real or perceived loss or stress. It results when a person's selfesteem, body, property, values or sense of entitlement are threatened. It is often a reaction to feeling
misunderstood, frustrated, hurt, rejected or ashamed.
Children often blame other people or events for their anger instead of assuming responsibility for it. If children do
not learn how to release their anger appropriately, it can fester and explode in inappropriate ways or be
internalized and damage their sense of self-worth. When children express their anger inappropriately, it may
mean that they lack coping skills to deal with their emotions in positive ways.

To assist children in becoming emotionally competent so that they

are ready to learn, educators need to help them:
1.

Understand their anger and the emotions of others.

2.

Develop positive social interaction skills.

3.

Realize that they are responsible for the choices they make.

4.

Learn how to express anger in ways that aren't harmful to themselves or others.

How can educators do this?

Model acceptance of each child as a valuable human being worthy of respect.

Accentuate each child's strengths.

Make your expectations compatible with children's level of development.

Provide a safe, responsive, predictable environment.

Provide children the opportunity to make choices.

Send honest, congruent messages, making sure your words match your facial expressions and body
language.

Be fair, supportive, firm, and consistent. Never ridicule a child.

Watch for and acknowledge appropriate behavior.

Teach decision making and problem-solving skills.

Use role-playing, puppets, or videos to teach social skills. For example, how to treat each other or how
to work out disagreements.

Involve children in making rules such as:

We are kind to each other

We listen to others

We use self-control

We work out differences peacefully.

Make the rules clear and follow through with meaningful consequences which are appropriate for the
age of the child.

Be aware of nonverbal signs that a child is angry such as a red face, tensed muscles, or clenched fists.

Understand that a child's headaches, upset stomach, or withdrawn behavior may be a symptom of
repressed anger.

Watch the child carefully, noting the antecedents to aggressive behavior. Ask yourself:

What happened right before the outburst?

How was the child feeling?

What does he or she need/want?

What can I do to make the situation better for the child?

Anticipate angry outbursts and arrange activities to reduce them. For example, if the child gets angry
when it is time to go inside, talk with the child ahead of time and share your expectations. Then comment when
the child acts appropriately.

Arrange the seating to decrease conflict. Separate children who arouse angry responses in each other.

Help children understand that anger is a natural emotion that everyone has. Say things like, "It's okay to
feel angry. Everyone feels angry sometimes, but it is not okay to hurt yourself or others."

Stop any aggressive behaviors. Say, "I can't let you hurt each other," or "I can't let you hurt me." Then
remove the child or children as gently as possible.

If the child is out-of-control, provide a quiet place where he/she can calm down.

Resist taking a child's angry outburst personally. Deal with the child in a calm, matter-of-fact way.

Acknowledge strong emotions, helping the child control him/herself and save face. For example say, "It
must be hard to get a low score after you tried so hard."

Assist the child in using a vocabulary of feeling words. Read books that ask the children to verbalize a
time when they felt various emotions.

Use feeling words to help the child understand the emotions of others. For example, "Mary is sitting
alone and looks very sad; she may be lonely," or "When Joe tripped, he looked embarrassed."

Help children understand their own emotions by putting their feelings into words. For example say, "It
made you angry when they called you names."

Listen, reflect and validate without judgment the feelings the child expresses. After listening, help the
child identify the true feeling underlying the anger such as hurt, sadness, disappointment, fear, or frustration. For
example, "That hurt when your best friend was mean to you," or "It was scary to have them gang up on you."

Encourage the child to accept responsibility for the anger and to gain control over him/herself by asking
him/herself the following:

Did I do or say anything to create the problem?

If so, how can I make things better?
How can I keep this from happening again?

Facilitate communication and problem solving with the child or between children by asking questions
such as:

What do you want/need?

How can I help you?

What can you do to help yourself?

Help children understand that they can choose how to react when they feel angry. Teach them selfcontrol and positive ways to cope with their negative impulses. The following are choices they can make:

Stop and think

Calm self by breathing deeply

Count slowly

Tense body and relax

Find a quiet place or sit alone

Write about feelings

Tell someone how you feel

Problem solve

Look at books or read

Draw or play with clay

Exercise, walk or run

Play music or sing

Rest or take a shower

Hug someone, a pet or a stuffed animal

Stress that the children must accept responsibility for their actions. Reinforce any constructive steps.

Establish an open, caring relationship with other adults who care about the child, so that jointly you can
help the angry child meet his/her psychological needs of being accepted, secure, and recognized as a valuable
human being.

Help the parent or guardian understand that giving in to a child's outburst or exposing him/her to verbal
or physical violence can be detrimental to a child's growth and development. If needed, provide parenting
information or suggest a parenting class.

If the problem is beyond your scope of expertise, seek additional assistance and/or recommend
professional help.

Lastly, find healthy outlets for your own strong emotions, so that you will be open to the needs of the
children with whom you work.

Preventing Violence Through Anger

Management
By Mary Drecktrah, Ph.D., and Amy Wallenfang

Lisa Turner, a teacher, is concerned about some of her students and

their reactions to frustration and anger. Michael is explosive when
things don't go his way, like being first in line or waiting for his turn.
He yells, hits, or throws objects when he gets upset and behaves
aggressively on the playground, bumping other children and running
away. At the other extreme is Jennifer, who doesn't show any
emotion other than becoming very quiet and withdrawn. Children like
Jennifer are often considered "just shy" and are easy to overlook.
When Lisa supervises the playground she is overwhelmed with the
"wild" play, teasing, and minor conflicts. She isn't certain if
aggressive activity has actually increased at her school, or if she is
just more aware of it with the recent publicity about the violence in
schools.
Now more than ever, educators and parents can't help but be
concerned with the possibility of violence in their schools. The recent
tragedy at Columbine High School and other incidents
at Jonesboro,Arkansas; Paducah, Kentucky;
and Springfield, Oregon have saturated news headlines. These
shootings have killed almost three dozen people and injured many
more, with thousands affected emotionally the past two years
(Gregory, 1998). The statistics are frightening:

Every six seconds a murder, rape, assault, or robbery takes

place in or near a school (Sautter, 1995).
One in four students and one in ten teachers reported being

victims of violence on or near school property (Remboldt,

1998).
A gun takes a life of an American child every two hours
(Lantieri, 1995).
Homicide is the third leading cause of death for children
between the ages of five and 14 (Childrens Defense Fund,
1996).
An average of 25 violent acts per hour occur in childrens
television programs on Saturday mornings (Aid Association
for Lutherans, 1996).
Between 100,000 and 200,000 guns are brought to school
each day (Licitra, 1993).

A Look at the Problem

Violence from aggression and hostility appears to be increasing,
particularly among the younger generation. The above statistics are
chilling and such episodes undoubtedly interfere with teaching,
learning, and even daily events such as walking outside at night or
playing alone without supervision. In the past five years the following
trends have been noted by Curwin and Mendler (1997): a) the rate of
behaviorally disruptive students is increasing; b) behaviors
previously typical only of high schoolers now occur in preschool and
primary grades; c) educators describe students as more aggressive
and hostile; and d) many children lack any sense of caring or
remorse.
Violence is defined by Curwin andMendler (1997, p. 5) as an assault
to one's person that can take three forms: body (physical injury),
esteem (verbal harassment such as name calling), or property
(damage to things one owns). A tendency toward violence usually
develops in an environment encouraging aggression rather than
tolerance when one's wants are not realized. In this environment,
children as young as two and three years old are exposed to
violence and imitate it. They know what "violence looks like, what it
sounds like, and where it can be found and what it can mean to
them" (Parry, Walker, & Heim, 1991, p. 2). By the age of six, violent
and aggressive behavior becomes a stable personality trait, while
violent behavior at age eight is a predictor of aggression at age 30
(Aid Association for Lutherans, 1996). The American Psychological
Association (APA) has studied youth violence extensively the past 50
years. They found the history of a child's involvement in violence,
either as a victim or aggressor, is the strongest predictor of violence.
They found 70 percent of men in prison were abused or neglected
children. For many children, therefore, school may be the only safe
place away from an abusive home.
Educators as well as the community must come to terms with the
reality of the ongoing problems of violence. In addition to the very
real physical threat posed by such rampant violence, education itself
is threatened. When fear is paramount in their minds, students
cannot learn and teachers cannot teach. Many administrators,
teachers, and parents feel a sense of hopelessness about the role of
schools in combating violence, in which the emphasis has historically
been on social control rather than improving the school climate. This
approach has been unsuccessful despite increasing security such as
metal detectors, permanent school-based police officers, and zero
tolerance. Learning how to deal with aggression and hostility in
nonviolent ways before violence becomes a stable personality trait is
critical.

Early Intervention
One of the most encouraging educational implications from the APA
report is that much of the social violence is learned behavior and if it
is learned, it can be unlearned (American Psychological Association,
1995). Early intervention can help prevent both social conflicts and
academic problems in later years by instilling strategies for
recognizing and expressing strong emotions in acceptable ways.
Daniel Goleman (1995), in his book Emotional Intelligence, describes
critical periods for development of emotional intelligence in childhood
during which children should learn beneficial emotional habits. If
appropriate emotional development during this period does not
occur, corrective efforts in later years become much more difficult.
Unfortunately, children that begin their school years with antisocial
behavior patterns often end up as school dropouts, delinquents, and
adult criminals (Walker, Severson, Feil, Stiller, & Golly, 1998). Early
intervention at the preschool level is the single most effective
strategy available for the prevention of later delinquency (Zigler,
Taussig, & Black, 1992). The earlier the intervention occurs for
vulnerable, at-risk children, the more likely it is that positive
outcomes will be achieved, particularly when parents are involved in
the intervention.
Strategies for Teachers
Teachers can do many things to manage anger and/or aggression in
the classroom and minimize interruptions of instructional time. One
of the most obvious and helpful strategies is to recognize emotions
and discuss them openly with students. Such discussions are
incorporated into each of the following ideas.
Using Literature
There are many excellent books on feelings and anger
management for students of all ages. A sampling of such books
is listed below. Two books that could help both Michael and
Jennifer are Feelings by Aliki (1984) and When I'm Angry (1998)
by Aaron. Children need to learn to identify and recognize their
own emotions before they can control them. The use of stories
as instructional tools provides children with peer role models with
whom they can identify and familiar situations to which they can
relate. Such identification can increase a child's awareness of
possible ways to deal with his or her own situations. Self-control
can be taught to students through literature by anticipating
consequences, learning from past experiences, and resolving
conflicts (Hanley, 1997).
ABCD Conflict Solving
When students have disagreements, the four steps in the ABCD
method can be very helpful in reaching resolution. The steps are
as follows: a) ask about the problem; b) brainstorm some
solutions; c) choose the best idea; and d) do it. Children as
young as three can be led through this procedure, and older
elementary children can be trained in conflict resolution skills to
act as mediators for playground conflicts. When elementary
children mediate minor problems, it reduces tattling and
minimizes the need for adult intervention.
The Anger Thermometer
The anger thermometer provides children with a way to reflect on
their feelings. Children color in the picture of a thermometer to

show how upset they are, write or tell what caused their anger,
and think of ways to handle the situation next time. This strategy
is particularly beneficial for children like Jennifer who have
difficulty expressing themselves. The descriptors written on the
thermometer can be decided by the children and discussed so
their meanings are clear.
"Peace Table"
The idea behind a peace table is to have children talk about a
problem or situation civilly, instead of using angry words or
physical aggression. The table can be placed anywhere in the
room where children can have privacy during the conversation
but is still visible to the teacher should the conversation need
adult guidance.
Angry Notes
Angry notes help children to deal with emotions by writing or
drawing instead of acting them out. Children who have difficulty
verbalizing their feelings, like Jennifer, often are more
comfortable drawing how they feel and then talking about their
drawing. Children create special notebooks in which, when
angry, they are encouraged to write or draw what they are angry
about. By doing this, children become accustomed to expressing
intense feelings and releasing frustration through these activities.
De-Bug
The de-bugging strategy is a five-step process children can use
in a conflict situation in order to resolve the problem on their own
before going to an adult. If one step doesn't work, the child
should try the next one. The steps are as follows: a) Ignore, b)
Move away, c) Talk friendly, d) Talk firmly (use "I feel....."), e) Get
adult help. After children know this technique, the teacher can
ask them if they de-bugged themselves before intervening, thus
minimizing classroom interruption.
Calming Strategies
Children can learn self-control techniques such as calming and
problem solving to manage their strong feelings. Teachers need
to demonstrate and help children learn these nonviolent
strategies before they can use them by themselves. Self-calming
and relaxation techniques help students reduce impulsive
reactions and thus control their anger. There are several ways
that children can calm their anger. Children like Michael and
Jennifer could be taught some of these strategies. Following are
several calming techniques which give children a different
activity on which to focus rather than responding immediately to
their strong emotion of anger.

Counting. When children concentrate on counting, they

don't react immediately to the anger. Children can slowly
count to ten on their fingers, from one to 19 (forward),
from ten to one (backwards), or backwards by fives
starting at 100 as is age appropriate. Michael could
benefit from this type of strategy as it would help him
control his impulsivity.

Deep Breathing. Children are taught to take deep

breaths for three minutes. They may combine either
counting to five while inhaling and again while exhaling,

or silently say such calming words as chill out, re-lax,

or be cool with the rhythm of their breath (Curwin and
Mendler, 1997).

Hand C Circle. Children can do this by themselves

very quickly to calm themselves. The child forms his or
her left hand into a C shape (index and thumb facing
child). The child uses his or her right index finger and
traces the C repeating the two phrases: Calm down.
Control yourself. The motion and repetition helps to
calm and relax the child.

B.A.T.S. This acronym stands for: Breathe, Ask yourself

to count to ten, Think of your favorite place, and Say,
"I'm okay. I can handle it!" A poster of this strategy can
be created by the class and hang in the classroom to
serve as a reminder to think before acting.

Problem-Solving Strategies
Problem-solving strategies need to be taught, demonstrated, role
played, and practiced in the classroom. Published programs such as
Quest International (1998) or Second Step Anti-Violence Curriculum
(Committee for Children, 1991) are often used by counselors and
have effective problem-solving approaches. Some examples of
problem-solving strategies are:
Stop, Think, Plan (STP). This technique can prevent
physical violence by teaching children to stop when they
become angry instead of acting out immediately, think of
several possible actions and plan a reasonable resolution.
By reinforcing use of STP, a teacher can instill in her
students positive social habits. This is another strategy that
Lisa could teach to Michael to help him develop self-control.

Song. This variation of the tune If you're happy and you

know it can teach and remind children of positive responses
to conflict. Substitute the following words: first verse, If
you're mad and you know it, walk away; second verse, if
you're mad and you know it count to ten; third verse and if
you're mad and you know it, talk it out."

Use of Verbal Skills. Children need to learn vocabulary for

talking to themselves and others about their wants and
abilities. By teaching appropriate words, pasting them
around the classroom, and modeling their use, a teacher can
develop a critical skill in children.
Techniques to Avoid

Substitute Objects. Encouraging children to vent their

anger by punching or kicking a pillow or doll is not a viable
strategy. Contrary to public opinion, this technique does NOT
reduce the probability that the child will behave aggressively
in the future, and may, in fact, encourage and increase this
behavior (Slaby, Roedell, Arezzo, and Hendrix, 1995).
Time-out. While a brief time-out for young children (one to
two minutes) can be useful, poorly planned, overused, or
extended stays in time-out can be detrimental. Time-out
does provide the child with an immediate consequence for
dangerous or destructive behavior and should be reserved
that type of problem. Other approaches like reasoning or
practicing alternative behaviors should be used for
infrequent behaviors when children get very excited or

impulsive. A warning should always be given for the first

offense, and children should not be isolated or given
attention during that time. If this procedure is not effective,
time-out should be modified or discontinued. Slaby, et al.
(1995) have an in-depth discussion and suggestions on
time-out with young children.
Conclusion
As educators, we play a crucial role in helping children manage their
anger, which is critical to their emotional development. Together with
parents, we are childrens first role models. By using the strategies
discussed in this article, children like Michael and Jennifer can gain
independent skills to control anger and other emotions, skills which
are critical in early childhood and throughout their lives.