02/02/2015

HowSuccessfulPeopleHandleToxicPeopleForbes

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Travis Bradberry Contributor

Icoveremotionalintelligenceandleadershipperformance.
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10/21/2014 @ 11:26AM

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HowSuccessfulPeopleHandle
ToxicPeople
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Toxicpeopledefylogic.Someareblissfullyunawareofthenegativeimpact
thattheyhaveonthosearoundthem,andothersseemtoderivesatisfaction
fromcreatingchaosandpushingotherpeoplesbuttons.Eitherway,they
createunnecessarycomplexity,strife,andworstofallstress.
Studieshavelongshownthatstresscanhavealasting,negativeimpacton
thebrain.Exposuretoevenafewdaysofstresscompromisesthe
effectivenessofneuronsinthehippocampusanimportantbrainarea
responsibleforreasoningandmemory.Weeksofstresscausereversible
damagetoneuronaldendrites(thesmallarmsthatbraincellsuseto
communicatewitheachother),andmonthsofstresscanpermanently
destroyneurons.Stressisaformidablethreattoyoursuccesswhenstress
getsoutofcontrol,yourbrainandyourperformancesuffer.

Mostsourcesofstressatworkareeasytoidentify.Ifyournonprofitis
workingtolandagrantthatyourorganizationneedstofunction,youre
boundtofeelstressandlikelyknowhowtomanageit.Itstheunexpected
sourcesofstressthattakeyoubysurpriseandharmyouthemost.

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RecentresearchfromtheDepartmentofBiologicalandClinicalPsychology
atFriedrichSchillerUniversityinGermanyfoundthatexposuretostimuli
thatcausestrongnegativeemotionsthesamekindofexposureyouget
whendealingwithtoxicpeoplecausedsubjectsbrainstohaveamassive
stressresponse.Whetheritsnegativity,cruelty,thevictimsyndrome,orjust
plaincraziness,toxicpeopledriveyourbrainintoastressedoutstatethat
shouldbeavoidedatallcosts.
Theabilitytomanageyouremotionsandremaincalmunderpressurehasa
directlinktoyourperformance.TalentSmarthasconductedresearchwith
morethanamillionpeople,andwevefoundthat90%oftopperformersare
skilledatmanagingtheiremotionsintimesofstressinordertoremaincalm
andincontrol.Oneoftheirgreatestgiftsistheabilitytoneutralizetoxic
people.Topperformershavewellhonedcopingstrategiesthattheyemploy
tokeeptoxicpeopleatbay.
WhileIverunacrossnumerouseffectivestrategiesthatsuccessfulpeople
employwhendealingwithtoxicpeople,whatfollowsaretwelveofthebest.
Todealwithtoxicpeopleeffectively,youneedanapproachthatenablesyou,
acrosstheboard,tocontrolwhatyoucanandeliminatewhatyoucant.The
importantthingtorememberisthatyouareincontroloffarmorethanyou
realize.
TheySetLimits(EspeciallywithComplainers)
Complainersandnegativepeoplearebadnewsbecausetheywallowintheir
problemsandfailtofocusonsolutions.Theywantpeopletojointheirpity
partysothattheycanfeelbetteraboutthemselves.Peopleoftenfeel
pressuretolistentocomplainersbecausetheydontwanttobeseenas
callousorrude,buttheresafinelinebetweenlendingasympatheticearand
gettingsuckedintotheirnegativeemotionalspiral.
TheForbeseBookOfMotivationalQuotes
Discoverthetimelessadvicethattheworldsgreatthinkers,billionaires,writersandbusinesspeoplehaveto
offer.

Youcanavoidthisonlybysettinglimitsanddistancingyourselfwhen
necessary.Thinkofitthisway:ifthecomplainerweresmoking,wouldyou
sitthereallafternooninhalingthesecondhandsmoke?Youddistance
yourself,andyoushoulddothesamewithcomplainers.Agreatwaytoset
limitsistoaskcomplainershowtheyintendtofixtheproblem.Theywill
eitherquietdownorredirecttheconversationinaproductivedirection.
TheyDontDieintheFight
Successfulpeopleknowhowimportantitistolivetofightanotherday,
especiallywhenyourfoeisatoxicindividual.Inconflict,uncheckedemotion
makesyoudigyourheelsinandfightthekindofbattlethatcanleaveyou

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severelydamaged.Whenyoureadandrespondtoyouremotions,youreable
tochooseyourbattleswiselyandonlystandyourgroundwhenthetimeis
right.
TheyRiseAbove
Toxicpeopledriveyoucrazybecausetheirbehaviorissoirrational.Makeno
mistakeaboutittheirbehaviortrulygoesagainstreason.Whichbegsthe
question,whydoyouallowyourselftorespondtothememotionallyandget
suckedintothemix?
Themoreirrationalandoffbasesomeoneis,theeasieritshouldbeforyou
toremoveyourselffromtheirtraps.Quittryingtobeatthemattheirown
game.Distanceyourselffromthememotionallyandapproachyour
interactionsliketheyreascienceproject(oryouretheirshrink,ifyouprefer
theanalogy).Youdontneedtorespondtotheemotionalchaosonlythe
facts.
TheyStayAwareofTheirEmotions
Maintaininganemotionaldistancerequiresawareness.Youcantstop
someonefrompushingyourbuttonsifyoudontrecognizewhenits
happening.Sometimesyoullfindyourselfinsituationswhereyoullneedto
regroupandchoosethebestwayforward.Thisisfineandyoushouldntbe
afraidtobuyyourselfsometimetodoso.
Thinkofitthiswayifamentallyunstablepersonapproachesyouonthe
streetandtellsyouhesJohnF.Kennedy,youreunlikelytosethimstraight.
Whenyoufindyourselfwithacoworkerwhoisengagedinsimilarlyderailed
thinking,sometimesitsbesttojustsmileandnod.Ifyouregoingtohaveto
straightenthemout,itsbettertogiveyourselfsometimetoplanthebest
waytogoaboutit.
TheyEstablishBoundaries
Thisistheareawheremostpeopletendtosellthemselvesshort.Theyfeel
likebecausetheyworkorlivewithsomeone,theyhavenowaytocontrolthe
chaos.Thiscouldntbefurtherfromthetruth.Onceyouvefoundyourway
toRiseAboveaperson,youllbegintofindtheirbehaviormorepredictable
andeasiertounderstand.Thiswillequipyoutothinkrationallyaboutwhen
andwhereyouhavetoputupwiththemandwhenyoudont.Forexample,
evenifyouworkwithsomeonecloselyonaprojectteam,thatdoesntmean
thatyouneedtohavethesamelevelofoneononeinteractionwiththem
thatyouhavewithotherteammembers.
Youcanestablishaboundary,butyoullhavetodosoconsciouslyand
proactively.Ifyouletthingshappennaturally,youareboundtofindyourself
constantlyembroiledindifficultconversations.Ifyousetboundariesand
decidewhenandwhereyoullengageadifficultperson,youcancontrol

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muchofthechaos.Theonlytrickistosticktoyourgunsandkeep
boundariesinplacewhenthepersontriestoencroachuponthem,which
theywill.
TheyWontLetAnyoneLimitTheirJoy
Whenyoursenseofpleasureandsatisfactionarederivedfromtheopinions
ofotherpeople,youarenolongerthemasterofyourownhappiness.When
emotionallyintelligentpeoplefeelgoodaboutsomethingthattheyvedone,
theywontletanyonesopinionsorsnideremarkstakethatawayfromthem.
Whileitsimpossibletoturnoffyourreactionstowhatothersthinkofyou,
youdonthavetocompareyourselftoothers,andyoucanalwaystake
peoplesopinionswithagrainofsalt.Thatway,nomatterwhattoxicpeople
arethinkingordoing,yourselfworthcomesfromwithin.Regardlessof
whatpeoplethinkofyouatanyparticularmoment,onethingiscertain
youreneverasgoodorbadastheysayyouare.
TheyDontFocusonProblemsOnlySolutions
Whereyoufocusyourattentiondeterminesyouremotionalstate.Whenyou
fixateontheproblemsyourefacing,youcreateandprolongnegative
emotionsandstress.Whenyoufocusonactionstobetteryourselfandyour
circumstances,youcreateasenseofpersonalefficacythatproducespositive
emotionsandreducesstress.
Whenitcomestotoxicpeople,fixatingonhowcrazyanddifficulttheyare
givesthempoweroveryou.Quitthinkingabouthowtroublingyourdifficult
personis,andfocusinsteadonhowyouregoingtogoabouthandlingthem.
Thismakesyoumoreeffectivebyputtingyouincontrol,anditwillreduce
theamountofstressyouexperiencewheninteractingwiththem.
TheyDontForget
Emotionallyintelligentpeoplearequicktoforgive,butthatdoesntmean
thattheyforget.Forgivenessrequireslettinggoofwhatshappenedsothat
youcanmoveon.Itdoesntmeanyoullgiveawrongdoeranotherchance.
Successfulpeopleareunwillingtobeboggeddownunnecessarilybyothers
mistakes,sotheyletthemgoquicklyandareassertiveinprotecting
themselvesfromfutureharm.
TheySquashNegativeSelfTalk
Sometimesyouabsorbthenegativityofotherpeople.Theresnothingwrong
withfeelingbadabouthowsomeoneistreatingyou,butyourselftalk(the
thoughtsyouhaveaboutyourfeelings)caneitherintensifythenegativityor
helpyoumovepastit.Negativeselftalkisunrealistic,unnecessary,andself
defeating.Itsendsyouintoadownwardemotionalspiralthatisdifficultto
pulloutof.Youshouldavoidnegativeselftalkatallcosts.
TheyLimitTheirCaffeineIntake
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Drinkingcaffeinetriggersthereleaseofadrenaline.Adrenalineisthesource
ofthefightorflightresponse,asurvivalmechanismthatforcesyouto
standupandfightorrunforthehillswhenfacedwithathreat.Thefightor
flightmechanismsidestepsrationalthinkinginfavorofafasterresponse.
Thisisgreatwhenabearischasingyou,butnotsogreatwhenyoure
surprisedinthehallwaybyanangrycoworker.
TheyGetSomeSleep
Ivebeatenthisonetodeathovertheyearsandcantsayenoughaboutthe
importanceofsleeptoincreasingyouremotionalintelligenceandmanaging
yourstresslevels.Whenyousleep,yourbrainliterallyrecharges,shuffling
throughthedaysmemoriesandstoringordiscardingthem(whichcauses
dreams),sothatyouwakeupalertandclearheaded.Yourselfcontrol,
attention,andmemoryareallreducedwhenyoudontgetenoughorthe
rightkindofsleep.Sleepdeprivationraisesstresshormonelevelsonits
own,evenwithoutastressorpresent.
Agoodnightssleepmakesyoumorepositive,creative,andproactiveinyour
approachtotoxicpeople,givingyoutheperspectiveyouneedtodeal
effectivelywiththem.
TheyUseTheirSupportSystem
Itstempting,yetentirelyineffective,toattempttacklingeverythingby
yourself.Todealwithtoxicpeople,youneedtorecognizetheweaknessesin
yourapproachtothem.Thismeanstappingintoyoursupportsystemtogain
perspectiveonachallengingperson.Everyonehassomeoneatworkand/or
outsideworkwhoisontheirteam,rootingforthem,andreadytohelpthem
getthebestfromadifficultsituation.Identifytheseindividualsinyourlife
andmakeanefforttoseektheirinsightandassistancewhenyouneedit.
Somethingassimpleasexplainingthesituationcanleadtoanew
perspective.Mostofthetime,otherpeoplecanseeasolutionthatyoucant
becausetheyarenotasemotionallyinvestedinthesituation.
BringingItAllTogether
Beforeyougetthissystemtoworkbrilliantly,youregoingtohavetopass
sometests.Mostofthetime,youwillfindyourselftestedbytouchy
interactionswithproblempeople.Thankfully,theplasticityofthebrain
allowsittomoldandchangeasyoupracticenewbehaviors,evenwhenyou
fail.Implementingthesehealthy,stressrelievingtechniquesfordealingwith
difficultpeoplewilltrainyourbraintohandlestressmoreeffectivelyand
decreasethelikelihoodofilleffects.
Ialwayslovetohearnewstrategiesfordealingwithtoxicpeople,soplease
feelfreetoshareyoursinthecommentssectionbelow!
Morebyme:

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