Eddie Saylor
16 April 2008
One of the most profound examples of interpersonal relations, human closeness, intimacy, and
emotional bonding that can be seen, evaluated, and used is in a new born and its mother
bonding minutes after birth. Babies that are born in a hospital are typically returned to their
mothers shortly after birth to strengthen their connection. This alone can attest to the weighty
substance of the need for interaction. Communication is innate within every human being; and
relationship the mother discloses herself to her new born in soft gentle calming words and
sounds of affection as well passionate caresses to woo the child, soon after the child usually
responds or learn to respond and recognize the intentions, meanings, and verbal cues of the
mother. This communication with the child demonstrates the essence self disclosure undiluted
and unrestrained, it is self disclosure in its purest and absolute condition. Interpersonal
communication is inescapable, we cannot not communicate. The new born child communicates
with its mother as the mother communicates through sound and tone of voice, gesture, and
facial expression. In this paper I present the mother and child as a model of interpersonal
Social Penetration is basically the study of the development of relationships and how
they penetrate deeper and deeper into private and personal matters. The first assumption of this
theory is relationships progress from nonintimate to intimate. This assumption explains that
becomes intimate based on the persons involved and their intentions. Another assumption
states that the development of relationships are generally systematic. This systematic
development the second assumption of SPT according to Altman and Taylor exposes
susceptibilities and apprehensions, so trust has to be developed along the way just as the child
develops trust in the mother in the new intimate and interpersonal relationships so do we have
to develop trust in order to move from non intimate to intimate. This assumption alludes to the
idea that relationships must follow some kind of path or theme. The third assumptions states
that relational development includes depenetration and dissolution as well meaning that it will
not remain idle or inactive, it will either progress into something or noting. The Fourth is that
Interpersonal relationships are also based on need just as the mother need the child and
the child its mother. It is safe to say that a relationship is a reciprocated filling of needs, the
child fills the mother’s need to nurture and the child’s need is filled by being nurtured.
Remembering as stated before this relationship between mother and child demonstrates
interpersonal relations in its plainest form because of the two are in essence make plain their
communication and the intention is clear. When we parallel this to the relationship of a man
and women we have much more to consider. The stages of the social penetration process are
the orientation, exploratory affective exchange, affective exchange, and stable exchange. Dr.
Mark Knapp author of Interpersonal Communication and Human Relationships has what is
considered one of the most popular models of relationship development and is explained in five
Knapp the Initiation stage is usually very short and the persons involved demonstrates concern
with making good impressions, similar to the first orientation stage of Altman an Taylor’s first
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stage that states the interactions are superficial and only bits of information are revealed. His
Experimenting stage the individuals ask questions about each other parallel to the Exploratory
Affective Exchange, the stage of social penetration that results in the emergence f our
personality to others. Interestingly this stage in Altman and Taylor’s SPT and Dr. Knapp’s
Experimenting stage compliments each other because asking questions about each other may
result in the emergence of our true self. In Dr. Knapp’s third stage Intensifying, self disclosure
becomes more evident and when compared to SPT’s process Affective Exchange the
interactions are more free and casual and it represents a further commitment and they
understand each other’s non verbal communication better. This Affective Exchange can only
happen when they understand each other on a somewhat intimate level. A mother can
understand a her child’s cry because of her care and constant involvement with the her child.
So again the stages from Dr. Knapp and of the SPT work with each other. His Integrating stage
is when the individuals become a pair and are recognized as a couple compared to SPT’s Stable
exchange is honesty, intimacy, and open expression of thought. Dr. Knapp goes a step further
Social Penetration Theorist believe that although self disclosure can lead to more
intimate relationships, it can leave one or more persons vulnerable as well and most at this
stage would prefer to avoid embarrassment and vulnerability it is termed as face saving in the
Face Negotiating Theory by Stella Ting-Toomey a theory we will get into later.
Richard West and Lynn Turner stated on page 3 in their book Introduction to
Communication Theory that communication depends on our ability to understand each other, in
other words communication is useless if the message is not understood by the receiver or
recipient. A relevant question would be if communication relies on our ability to understand each
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other than how significant is self disclosure? Based on the research of Irvin Altman and Dalmas
Taylor they state that self disclosure is the foundation of relationship development and is defined
as purposeful progression of revealing yourself. In the example of the mother and child
relationship there is an expression of self disclosure in the mother to her child in the form of
sounds, reassuring words, and touching. Research by Jeremy Frase on SPT states that self
disclosure cannot truly be if we don’t share psychological information with another which
includes individual traits, feelings, attitudes, and more personal information, in other words there
According to Altman and Taylor epistimologically, this theory makes the statement that if
self disclosure is high, then the relationship will develop. Which makes the theory a scientific
one based on the “if then =>” statement. For example if Mary shares personal significant
information with Joey than Joey will be drawn closer to Mary. The fourth assumption of SPT
states that self-disclosure is at the core of relationship development and in Mary sharing personal
information with Joey it will most likely influence the evolution of their relationship.
Interpersonal communication is contextual, for example talking to a significant other who is from
a different background or country in a counseling session about marriage. In that there are four
contexts that are to be considered. The first was the psychological context the second is the
Relational context which attends to your reactions to the other person; in the previous example
the couple is in a relationship considering marriage. The third is Situational context and this
focuses on the situation in which they are exchanging, and they are in a counseling session. The
fourth is the Environmental context similar to the preceding context but centers on the actual
environment which in their situation the setting most likely will be an air-conditioned room with
comfortable seating. The last is the Cultural context which relates to the learned behaviors and
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rules from a culture. Within each context is positioned a great unending amount of complexity
that has been the root and inspiration of many books such as How to Be an Adult in
Relationships : The Five Keys to Mindful Loving by David Richo, Kathlyn Hendricks; Journey
from Abandonment to Healing : Turn the End of a Relationship into the Beginning of a New Life
by Susan Anderson; Relationship Rescue : A Seven-Step Strategy for Reconnecting with Your
Partner by Phillip C. McGraw; and The Five Love Languages : How to Express Heartfelt
Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman. Movies and television talk shows such as Hitch
starring Will Smith, and Dr. Phil’s TV show have great influence on how we view relationships
and these media permeates our lives fixes our perceptions even in relationships.
The way men perceive differs from the way women do, new research has even confirmed
that the way men and women cope with and suffer from pain is different due to biological
differences. We are raised differently and are expected to think and act differently. Boys are dealt
with differently, communicated to differently with a different language while girls are dealt with
in a completely different way as well. Dr. Lillian Glass one of the world’s foremost authorities on
improving communication skills states in her book He Says She Says Closing the
Communication Gap Between the Sexes on page 66, that studies confirm that our brains develop
at different rates and based on that it creates a considerable amount of differences between the
sexes. She states that research shows that the left side of a girl’s brain develops faster than a
boy’s causing an increase in the development in verbal functioning and may be the reason why
girls learn to talk sooner than little boys, have better vocabulary, read earlier, and excel in
memory at a younger age. She also says that boys develop the right side of their brain faster than
girls and have earlier visual-spacial, logical, and perceptual development and may be the reason
why boys tend to be better in mathematics, problem solving, building, and at figuring out puzzles
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earlier than girls. Dr. Glass further explain these neurological differences saying that several
studies have shown that girls as they develop are more interested in playing with toys with faces
while boys prefer toy blocks or toys that can be manipulated. Dr. Roger Gorski of UCLA
confirms the structural differences between men’s and women’s brains stating that the corpus
callosum which is the band of fibers uniting the right and left side of the brain is bigger and
wider in women than in men. The differences are clear and evident that men and women are
quite different and communication is often challenging and difficult. Men have different body
language, different gestures; consider how a mother talks to her child and how a father talks to
In addition to these differences we have to consider self image or our face which is a
communication theory researched by Stella Ting Toomey. It is a metaphor for the public image
people display. One of the assumptions of Face Negotiation Theory state that self-identity is
across cultures. It is an image of what they want people to see and accept. SPT’s onion analogy
explains the importance of revealing yourself. The layers of the onion represent the assortments
intimate, which we have dealt with earlier, relational development is generally systematic and
predictable which refers to the notion that relationship development follows some pattern or
acceptable standard but relationships do not always go in the direction we would like them to.
Communication can also cause relationships to move from intimacy to nonintimacy. For
example if the communication is unhealthy or conflictual, the intimacy will deteriorate. If the
mother severs her communication with her child it will cause a loss of trust and intimacy and
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their relationship will suffer and may eventually end. With depenetration it doesn’t always
mean that the relationship will end completely it just experiences the author of the text book