Anywhere But Niagara Falls

The signs were there, even decades ago, but foolishly I did not pay heed and turned a blind eye! I now
have no choice but to come clean and admit the major blunder of my life; eleven years ago, I took up
residence in Niagara Falls, Ontario. How could I miss the warnings, the signs? They were everywhere
and I have no one to blame but myself for the consequences.
The signs were already there long, long ago. The iconic plaint, Niagara Falls! ... slowly I turned... step
by step, inch by inch, was immortalised decades ago by comedic legends such as Abbott and Costello
and the Three Stooges in sketches where the mere mention of Niagara Falls sends a character into a
blind, destructive rage. Yet, I missed the warning.
The 1953 film noir Niagara should have stood as a stark warning. The story, depicting deceit, duplicity,
infidelity, and murder, with Niagara Falls as the backdrop, should have sent a clear alarm. Yet, I paid no
heed.
Still in the arena of entertainment, why did I not think twice when it dawned on me that one of the most
prominent current entertainment figures born in Niagara Falls adopted the stage name of a dead rodent?
How could I miss that sign?
Some of the other residents I encountered should have most certainly set off alarms. One of my early
encounters, while I was innocently strolling the streets of my newly adopted city, was a disheveled and
distraught hooker. Yet the scales remained on my eyes. Why did I not pay heed when I noted that one
neighbour couple regularly idled the time away by sitting on a dilapidated sofa in their garage with the
door wide open, or endlessly swept the roadway with a broom, day and night, come rain or shine, or
tossed snow over their fence to adjacent yards, or had shrubs growing in their broken down swimming
pool that was often filled with stagnant rain water, or ranted that, unlike longtime residents like them, I
was an interloper. And this was in one of the better neighbourhoods! How could I miss these signs?
The time that my daughter innocently invited some local acquaintances over, who then ended up
stealing her cell phone and some bric-a-brac, should have been a wake up call for me. Even more so,
the indifference of the police to the crime of theft in declining to prosecute the offenders, who were
known to them, should have opened my eyes. It is no wonder that a Fraser Institute study found that the
Niagara regional police service ranked near the bottom of a list of police services of Canadian
metropolitan areas, in terms of efficiency of manpower utilisation. But the force is amply remunerated
nonetheless; half of them appear on the Sunshine List. Not bad for a profession requiring only a
secondary school diploma! Still, I failed to heed the signs.
My daughter did leave this city years ago, with a well justified attitude of contempt. She was so right!
Among her experiences, one which no doubt cemented her opinion, involved a visit to a local
hairstylist where she requested a layered cut but ultimately ended up with a mullet. Yet another sign
that I failed to heed, along with the sign implicit in my grandson's experience at his highschool. He
recounted a sad tale of a group of girls at the school forming a pact amongst themselves to get pregnant
during the school year. Such admirable life-goals do not seem out of place in Niagara Falls where the
teen pregnancy rate regularly exceeds the average for the province. Yet, again, I was blind to this.
The fact of the matter is that most of the people I had earlier known well in this city have, with
apparently far greater insight and wisdom than mine, by now already left, either by moving away or

simply dying well before their time. Yet, the wisdom of their various acts of departure was sadly lost on
me until now.
I must have been aware of these concerns subconsciously, however, right from the start. In retrospect, I
now see that my subconscious must have been desperately trying to warn me, as I regularly and gladly
spent a third of my time out of town, mostly in Toronto. Yet, I remained blind to this warning, even so.
If one looks at the website of the city of Niagara Falls, there is a claim that the city is ... a small
vibrant city located in the heart of the Niagara Region. Really? There has been a longstanding and
well publicised effort to revitalise the original downtown strip. Most days, if one visits this so called
revitalised strip, the impression is one of all the vitality of a graveyard at midnight. Or take the example
of the poor planning shown when a large arena complex was developed without adequate road access.
And what can one make of the eternal controversy surrounding a well know amusement park eternally
embroiled in charges of animal mistreatment and consequent lawsuits to silence detractors? Is
something rotten in Denmark? What was I thinking? How could I miss this?
A glance at the transit system map shows a confused tangle that would put to shame a game of Snakes
and Ladders. And often the schedule shows wait times of an hour between buses. The system is
consequently vastly underutilised. What a surprise! How could this city be vibrant with such poor
infrastructure. Yet another sign that went unheeded.
Well, it's the economy stupid! The five biggest employers for the entire Niagara region are:

District School Board of Niagara

Niagara Fallsview Casino Resort
Niagara Health System
Regional Municipality of Niagara
General Motors of Canada Limited

Only the last one actually produces anything tangible and it's now a mere shadow of its former glory,
barely hanging on. No wonder the local unemployment rate ranks near the top in Ontario and the
employment rate and labour-force participation rate are among the lowest. And the prospects for
improvement are dim on account of the demographics; a large proportion of seniors and a workforce
steeped in decimated manufacturing does not present a good base for potential employers.Thus, it
comes as no surprise that the average house price in Niagara Falls is less than half of the provincial
average and provides anemic performance, over time, in comparison.
Much of this accounts for the abysmal ranking of this city in a Moneysense survey of 201
municipalities across Canada, ranking Niagara Falls in the bottom quintile. Another warning sign that I
apparently overlooked.
And the list goes on. I can only attempt belated corrective measures to compensate for my longstanding
negligence in ignoring the warnings and hope to mitigate the damage to my self esteem, given enough
time as memory fades. You couldn't pay me enough money to remain in Niagara Falls. Let all those
who read this benefit from my dismal experience and pay closer attention to the warning signs than I
had! Niagara Falls? It has long ago fallen and it can't get up.
2015 by Gabe Czobel