1. What is Mind? No Matter.

What is Body? Never Mind.

2. A philosopher went into a closet for ten years to contemplate the
question, What is life? When he came out, he went into the street and
met an old colleague, who asked him where in heaven's name he had
been all those years.
"In a closet," he replied. "I wanted to know what life really is."
"And have you found an answer?"
"Yes," he replied. "I think it can best be expressed by saying that life is
like a bridge."
"That's all well and good," replied the colleague, "but can you be a little
more explicit? Can you tell me how life is like a bridge?"
"Oh," replied the philosopher after some thought, "maybe you're right;
perhaps life is not like a bridge."

3. Don't LOOK at anything in a physics lab.

Don't TASTE anything in a chemistry lab.
Don't SMELL anything in a biology lab.
and, most importantly,
Don't LISTEN to anything in a philosophy department.

4. How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?

"Hmmm... well there's an interesting question isn't it?"
"Define 'light bulb'..."
"How can you be sure it needs changing?"
Three. One to change it and two to stand around arguing over whether
or not the light bulb exists.
How many Hegelians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, of course. One stands at one end of the room and argues that it
isn't dark; the other stands at the other end and says that true light is
impossible. This dialectic creates a synthesis which does the job.

How many Zen masters does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change it, and one not to change it.
Three. One to change it, one not to change it, and one both to change it
and not to change it.
How many existentialists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change the lightbulb and one to observe how the lightbulb
symbolizes an incandescent beacon of subjectivity in a netherworld of
Cosmic Nothingness.
How many Kuhnian constructionist philosophers of science does
it take to change a light bulb?
You're still thinking in terms of 'incremental change'--what we really
need is paradigm shift...we don't need a bulb with more attributes added
on, we need ubiquitous luminescence.
How many Marxists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Every light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

5. Two freshman philosophy students see the following bulletin posted on

the wall of their lecture hall:
Crash Course in Logical Assumptions
Saturday, September 26, 1998, All Day

Neither of them knows what it means and they are both curious. The pair
decide to find the professor and ask some questions. When they locate
the professor's office, the bolder of the two enter the building while the
other remains outside.
Student: "Uh...Sir..What does Crash Course in Logical Assumptions
mean?"
Professor: "Well, it involves taking information that you have, forming
assumptions using logic, and then creating new information. Let me try to
answer your question by asking you a question. Do you own a car?"
Student: "Uh...Yes, I do."

Professor: "Well, then I can now logically assume that you drive."
Student: "Yes, I drive. "
Professor: "Then I can logically assume that you drive on weekends."
Student: "Yeah, I drive on weekends, I go out on dates."
Professor: "Then I can logically assume that you have date partners."
Student: "Well, yes, I have a girlfriend."
Professor: "Then I can logically assume that you are heterosexual."
Student: "Uh...hell yes! OK, I think I understand what this course is about
now. Thanks a lot for your time."
Once back outside, his friend asks him: "So, what's it all about?"
"Its about using information and stuff...Let me answer your question by
asking you a question. Do you own a car?"
"No."
"Uh...Then you're homosexual, dude!"

6. If metaphysics is being qua being;

and if epistomology is knowing qua knowing;
then metaphilosophy must be... qua qua qua.

7. The French existentialist Jean-Paul Sartre was sitting in a cafe

when a waitress approached him: "Can I get you something to drink,
Monsieur Sartre?"
Sartre replied, "Yes, I'd like a cup of coffee with sugar, but no cream".
Nodding agreement, the waitress walked off to fill the order and
Sartre returned to working. A few minutes later, however, the
waitress returned and said, "I'm sorry, Monsieur Sartre, we are all out
of cream -- how about with no milk?"