AxolotlbyJulioCortzar

Translatedanonymously

TherewasatimewhenIthoughtagreatdealabouttheaxolotls.IwenttoseethemintheaquariumattheJardin
desPlantes,andstayedforhourswatchingthem,observingtheirimmobility,theirfaintmovements.NowIaman
axolotl.IgottothembychanceonespringmorningwhenPariswasspreadingitspeacocktailafterawintryLent.
IwasheadingdowntheboulevardPortRoyal,thenItookSaintMarcelandLHpitalandsawgreenamongall
thatgreyandrememberedthelions.Iwasfriendofthelionsandpanthers,buthadnevergoneintothedark,
humidbuildingthatwastheaquarium.Ileftmybikeagainstthegratingsandwenttolookatthetulips.Thelions
weresadanduglyandmypantherwasasleep.Idecidedontheaquarium,lookedobliquelyatbanalfishuntil,
unexpectedly,Ihititoffwiththeaxolotls.Istayedwatchingthemforanhourandleft,unabletothinkof
anythingelse.

InthelibraryatSainteGenevive,Iconsultedadictionaryandlearnedthataxolotlsarethelarvalstage(provided
withgills)ofaspeciesofsalamanderofthegenusAmbystoma.ThattheywereMexicanIknewalreadybylooking
atthemandtheirlittlepinkAztecfacesandtheplacardatthetopofthetank.Ireadthatspecimensofthemhad
beenfoundinAfricacapableoflivingondrylandduringtheperiodsofdrought,andcontinuingtheirlifeunder
waterwhentherainyseasoncame.IfoundtheirSpanishname,ajolote,andthementionthattheywereedible,
andthattheiroilwasused(nolongerused,itsaid)likecodliveroil.

Ididntcaretolookupanyofthespecializedworks,butthenextdayIwentbacktotheJardindesPlantes.I
begantogoeverymorning,morningandafternoonsomedays.Theaquariumguardsmiledperplexedlytakingmy
ticket.Iwouldleanupagainsttheironbarinfrontofthetanksandsettowatchingthem.Theresnothingstrange
inthis,becauseafterthefirstminuteIknewthatwewerelinked,thatsomethinginfinitelylostanddistantkept
pullingustogether.Ithadbeenenoughtodetainmethatfirstmorninginfrontofthesheetofglasswheresome
bubblesrosethroughthewater.Theaxolotlshuddledonthewretchednarrow(onlyIcanknowhownarrowand
wretched)floorofmossandstoneinthetank.Therewereninespecimens,andthemajoritypressedtheirheads
againsttheglass,lookingwiththeireyesofgoldatwhoevercamenearthem.Disconcerted,almostashamed,I
feltitalewdnesstobepeeringatthesesilentandimmobilefiguresheapedatthebottomofthetank.MentallyI
isolatedone,situatedontherightandsomewhatapartfromtheothers,tostudyitbetter.Isawarosylittlebody,
translucent(IthoughtofthoseChinesefigurinesofmilkyglass),lookinglikeasmalllizardaboutsixincheslong,
endinginafishstailofextraordinarydelicacy,themostsensitivepartofourbody.Alongthebackrana
transparentfinwhichjoinedwiththetail,butwhatobsessedmewasthefeet,oftheslenderestnicety,endingin
tinyfingerswithminutelyhumannails.AndthenIdiscovereditseyes,itsface.Inexpressivefeatures,withno
othertraitsavetheeyes,twoorifices,likebrooches,whollyoftransparentgold,lackinganylifebutlooking,
lettingthemselvesbepenetratedbymylook,whichseemedtotravelpastthegoldenlevelandloseitselfina
diaphanousinteriormystery.Averyslenderblackhaloringedtheeyeandetcheditontothepinkflesh,ontothe
rosestoneofthehead,vaguelytriangular,butwithcurvedandtriangularsideswhichgaveitatotallikenesstoa
statuettecorrodedbytime.Themouthwasmaskedbythetriangularplaneoftheface,itsconsiderablesize
wouldbeguessedonlyinprofile;infrontadelicatecrevicebarelyslitthelifelessstone.Onbothsidesofthehead
wheretheearsshouldhavebeen,theregrewthreetinysprigs,redascoral,avegetaloutgrowth,thegills,I
suppose.Andtheyweretheonlythingquickaboutit;everytenorfifteensecondsthesprigsprickedupstiffly
andagainsubsided.Onceinawhileafootwouldbarelymove,Isawthediminutivetoespoisemildlyonthe
moss.Itsthatwedontenjoymovingalot,andthetankissocrampedwebarelymoveinanydirectionand
werehittingoneoftheotherswithourtailorourheaddifficultiesarise,fights,tiredness.Thetimefeelslikeits
lessifwestayquietly.

ItwastheirquietnessthatmademeleantowardthemfascinatedthefirsttimeIsawtheaxolotls.ObscurelyI
seemedtounderstandtheirsecretwill,toabolishspaceandtimewithanindifferentimmobility.Iknewbetter

later;thegillcontraction,thetentativereckoningofthedelicatefeetonthestones,theabruptswimming(some
ofthemswimwithasimpleundulationofthebody)provedtomethattheywerecapableofescapingthat
minerallethargyinwhichtheyspentwholehours.Aboveallelse,theireyesobsessedme.Inthestandingtanks
oneithersideofthem,differentfishesshowedmethesimplestupidityoftheirhandsomeeyessosimilartoour
own.Theeyesoftheaxolotlsspoketomeofthepresenceofadifferentlife,ofanotherwayofseeing.Glueing
myfacetotheglass(theguardwouldcoughfussilyonceinawhile),Itriedtoseebetterthosediminutivegolden
points,thatentrancetotheinfinitelyslowandremoteworldoftheserosycreatures.Itwasuselesstotapwith
onefingerontheglassdirectlyinfrontoftheirfaces;theynevergavetheleastreaction.Thegoldeneyes
continuedburningwiththeirsoft,terriblelight;theycontinuedlookingatmefromanunfathomabledepthwhich
mademedizzy.

Andneverthelesstheywereclose.Iknewitbeforethis,beforebeinganaxolotl.IlearneditthedayIcamenear
themforthefirsttime.Theanthropomorphicfeaturesofamonkeyrevealthereverseofwhatmostpeople
believe,thedistancethatistraveledfromthemtous.Theabsolutelackofsimilaritybetweenaxolotlsandhuman
beingsprovedtomethatmyrecognitionwasvalid,thatIwasnotproppingmyselfupwitheasyanalogies.Only
thelittlehands...Butaneft,thecommonnewt,hassuchhandsalso,andwearenotatallalike.Ithinkitwas
theaxolotlsheads,thattriangularpinkshapewiththetinyeyesofgold.Thatlookedandknew.Thatlaidthe
claim.Theywerenotanimals.

Itwouldseemeasy,almostobvious,tofallintomythology.Ibeganseeingintheaxolotlsametamorphosiswhich
didnotsucceedinrevokingamysterioushumanity.Iimaginedthemaware,slavesoftheirbodies,condemned
infinitelytothesilenceoftheabyss,toahopelessmeditation.Theirblindgaze,thediminutivegolddiscwithout
expressionandnonethelessterriblyshining,wentthroughmelikeamessage:Saveus,saveus.Icaughtmyself
mumblingwordsofadvice,conveyingchildishhopes.Theycontinuedtolookatme,immobile;fromtimetotime
therosybranchesofthegillsstiffened.InthatinstantIfeltamutedpain;perhapstheywereseeingme,
attractingmystrengthtopenetrateintotheimpenetrablethingoftheirlives.Theywerenothumanbeings,butI
hadfoundinnoanimalsuchaprofoundrelationwithmyself.Theaxolotlswerelikewitnessesofsomething,and
attimeslikehorriblejudges.Ifeltignobleinfrontofthem;therewassuchaterrifyingpurityinthosetransparent
eyes.Theywerelarvas,butlarvameansdisguiseandalsophantom.BehindthoseAztecfaces,withoutexpression
butofanimplacablecruelty,whatsemblancewasawaitingitshour?

Iwasafraidofthem.Ithinkthathaditnotbeenforfeelingtheproximityofothervisitorsandtheguard,Iwould
nothavebeenboldenoughtoremainalonewiththem.Youeatthemalivewithyoureyes,hey,theguardsaid,
laughing;helikelythoughtIwasalittlecracked.Whathedidntnoticewasthatitwastheydevouringmeslowly
withtheireyes,inacannibalismofgold.Atanydistancefromtheaquarium,Ihadonlytothinkofthem,itwasas
thoughIwerebeingaffectedfromadistance.ItgottothepointthatIwasgoingeveryday,andatnightIthought
ofthemimmobileinthedarkness,slowlyputtingahandoutwhichimmediatelyencounteredanother.Perhaps
theireyescouldseeinthedeadofnight,andforthemthedaycontinuedindefinitely.Theeyesofaxolotlshave
nolids.Iknownowthattherewasnothingstrange,thatthathadtooccur.Leaningoverinfrontofthetankeach
morning,therecognitionwasgreater.Theyweresuffering,everyfiberofmybodyreachedtowardthatstifled
pain,thatstifftormentatthebottomofthetank.Theywerelyinginwaitforsomething,aremotedominion
destroyed,anageoflibertywhentheworldhadbeenthatoftheaxolotls.Notpossiblethatsuchaterrible
expressionwhichwasattainingtheoverthrowofthatforcedblanknessontheirstonefacesshouldcarryany
messageotherthanoneofpain,proofofthateternalsentence,ofthatliquidhelltheywereundergoing.
Hopelessly,Iwantedtoprovetomyselfthatmyownsensibilitywasprojectinganonexistentconsciousnessupon
theaxolotl.TheyandIknew.Sotherewasnothingstrangeinwhathappened.Myfacewaspressedagainstthe
glassoftheaquarium,myeyeswereattemptingoncemoretopenetratethemysteryofthoseeyesofgold
withoutiris,withoutpupil.Isawfromverycloseupthefaceofanaxolotlimmobilenexttotheglass.No
transitionandnosurprise,Isawmyfaceagainsttheglass,Isawitontheoutsideofthetank,Isawitontheother
sideoftheglass.ThenmyfacedrewbackandIunderstood.


Onlyonethingwasstrange:togoonthinkingasusual,toknow.Torealizethatwas,forthefirstmoment,likethe
horrorofamanburiedaliveawakingtohisfate.Outside,myfacecameclosetotheglassagain,Isawmymouth,
thelipscompressedwiththeeffortofunderstandingtheaxolotls.IwasanaxolotlandnowIknewinstantlythat
nounderstandingwaspossible.Hewasoutsidetheaquarium,histhinkingwasathinkingoutsidethetank.
Recognizinghim,beinghimhimself,Iwasanaxolotlandinmyworld.ThehorrorbeganIlearnedinthesame
momentofbelievingmyselfprisonerinthebodyofanaxolotl,metamorphosedintohimwithmyhumanmind
intact,buriedaliveinanaxolotl,condemnedtomovelucidlyamongunconsciouscreatures.Butthatstopped
whenafootjustgrazedmyface,whenImovedjustalittletoonesideandsawanaxolotlnexttomewhowas
lookingatme,andunderstoodthatheknewalso,nocommunicationpossible,butveryclearly.OrIwasalsoin
him,orallofuswerethinkinghumanlike,incapableofexpression,limitedtothegoldensplendorofoureyes
lookingatthefaceofthemanpressedagainsttheaquarium.

Hereturnedmanytimes,buthecomeslessoftennow.Weekspasswithouthisshowingup.Isawhimyesterday;
helookedatmeforalongtimeandleftbriskly.Itseemedtomethathewasnotsomuchinterestedinusany
more,thathewascomingoutofhabit.SincetheonlythingIdoisthink,Icouldthinkabouthimalot.Itoccursto
methatatthebeginningwecontinuedtocommunicate,thathefeltmorethaneveronewiththemysterywhich
wasclaiminghim.Butthebridgeswerebrokenbetweenhimandme,becausewhatwashisobsessionisnowan
axolotl,alientohishumanlife.IthinkthatatthebeginningIwascapableofreturningtohiminacertainway,
onlyinacertainwayandofkeepingawakehisdesiretoknowusbetter.Iamanaxolotlforgoodnow,andifI
thinklikeamanitsonlybecauseeveryaxolotlthinkslikeamaninsidehisrosystonesemblance.Ibelievethatall
thissucceededincommunicatingsomethingtohiminthosefirstdays,whenIwasstillhe.Andinthisfinal
solitudetowhichhenolongercomes,Iconsolemyselfbythinkingthatperhapsheisgoingtowriteastoryabout
us,that,believinghesmakingupastory,hesgoingtowriteallthisaboutaxolotls.