03/03/2015

OliverSacksonLearningHeHasTerminalCancerNYTimes.com

http://nyti.ms/1AVTP3H

The Opinion Page

OPD CONTRIUTOR

M Own Life
Oliver Sack on Learning He Ha Terminal Cancer

OLIVR SACKS

F. 19, 2015

AMONTHago,IfeltthatIwasingoodhealth,evenrobusthealth.At81,I
stillswimamileaday.ButmyluckhasrunoutafewweeksagoIlearned
thatIhavemultiplemetastasesintheliver.Nineyearsagoitwas
discoveredthatIhadararetumoroftheeye,anocularmelanoma.The
radiationandlaseringtoremovethetumorultimatelyleftmeblindinthat
eye.Butthoughocularmelanomasmetastasizeinperhaps50percentof
cases,giventheparticularsofmyowncase,thelikelihoodwasmuch
smaller.Iamamongtheunluckyones.
IfeelgratefulthatIhavebeengrantednineyearsofgoodhealthand
productivitysincetheoriginaldiagnosis,butnowIamfacetofacewith
dying.Thecanceroccupiesathirdofmyliver,andthoughitsadvancemay
beslowed,thisparticularsortofcancercannotbehalted.
Itisuptomenowtochoosehowtoliveoutthemonthsthatremainto
me.Ihavetoliveintherichest,deepest,mostproductivewayIcan.Inthis
Iamencouragedbythewordsofoneofmyfavoritephilosophers,David
Hume,who,uponlearningthathewasmortallyillatage65,wroteashort
autobiographyinasingledayinAprilof1776.HetitleditMyOwnLife.
Inowreckonuponaspeedydissolution,hewrote.Ihavesuffered
verylittlepainfrommydisorderandwhatismorestrange,have,
notwithstandingthegreatdeclineofmyperson,neversufferedamoments
abatementofmyspirits.Ipossessthesameardouraseverinstudy,andthe
samegaietyincompany.
Ihavebeenluckyenoughtolivepast80,andthe15yearsallottedto
mebeyondHumesthreescoreandfivehavebeenequallyrichinworkand

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/02/19/opinion/oliversacksonlearninghehasterminalcancer.html

1/3

03/03/2015

OliverSacksonLearningHeHasTerminalCancerNYTimes.com

love.Inthattime,Ihavepublishedfivebooksandcompletedan
autobiography(ratherlongerthanHumesfewpages)tobepublishedthis
springIhaveseveralotherbooksnearlyfinished.
Humecontinued,Iam...amanofmilddispositions,ofcommandof
temper,ofanopen,social,andcheerfulhumour,capableofattachment,but
littlesusceptibleofenmity,andofgreatmoderationinallmypassions.
HereIdepartfromHume.WhileIhaveenjoyedlovingrelationships
andfriendshipsandhavenorealenmities,Icannotsay(norwouldanyone
whoknowsmesay)thatIamamanofmilddispositions.Onthecontrary,I
amamanofvehementdisposition,withviolententhusiasms,andextreme
immoderationinallmypassions.
Andyet,onelinefromHumesessaystrikesmeasespeciallytrue:Itis
difficult,hewrote,tobemoredetachedfromlifethanIamatpresent.
Overthelastfewdays,Ihavebeenabletoseemylifeasfromagreat
altitude,asasortoflandscape,andwithadeepeningsenseofthe
connectionofallitsparts.ThisdoesnotmeanIamfinishedwithlife.
Onthecontrary,Ifeelintenselyalive,andIwantandhopeinthetime
thatremainstodeepenmyfriendships,tosayfarewelltothoseIlove,to
writemore,totravelifIhavethestrength,toachievenewlevelsof
understandingandinsight.
Thiswillinvolveaudacity,clarityandplainspeakingtryingto
straightenmyaccountswiththeworld.Buttherewillbetime,too,forsome
fun(andevensomesilliness,aswell).
Ifeelasuddenclearfocusandperspective.Thereisnotimefor
anythinginessential.Imustfocusonmyself,myworkandmyfriends.I
shallnolongerlookatNewsHoureverynight.Ishallnolongerpayany
attentiontopoliticsorargumentsaboutglobalwarming.
ThisisnotindifferencebutdetachmentIstillcaredeeplyaboutthe
MiddleEast,aboutglobalwarming,aboutgrowinginequality,buttheseare
nolongermybusinesstheybelongtothefuture.IrejoicewhenImeet
giftedyoungpeopleeventheonewhobiopsiedanddiagnosedmy
metastases.Ifeelthefutureisingoodhands.
Ihavebeenincreasinglyconscious,forthelast10yearsorso,ofdeaths
amongmycontemporaries.Mygenerationisonthewayout,andeach

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/02/19/opinion/oliversacksonlearninghehasterminalcancer.html

2/3

03/03/2015

OliverSacksonLearningHeHasTerminalCancerNYTimes.com

deathIhavefeltasanabruption,atearingawayofpartofmyself.There
willbenoonelikeuswhenwearegone,butthenthereisnoonelike
anyoneelse,ever.Whenpeopledie,theycannotbereplaced.Theyleave
holesthatcannotbefilled,foritisthefatethegeneticandneuralfate
ofeveryhumanbeingtobeauniqueindividual,tofindhisownpath,tolive
hisownlife,todiehisowndeath.
IcannotpretendIamwithoutfear.Butmypredominantfeelingisone
ofgratitude.IhavelovedandbeenlovedIhavebeengivenmuchandI
havegivensomethinginreturnIhavereadandtraveledandthoughtand
written.Ihavehadanintercoursewiththeworld,thespecialintercourseof
writersandreaders.
Aboveall,Ihavebeenasentientbeing,athinkinganimal,onthis
beautifulplanet,andthatinitselfhasbeenanenormousprivilegeand
adventure.
Correction:February26,2015
Becauseofaneditingerror,OliverSackssOpEdessaylastThursday
misstatedtheproportionofcasesinwhichtherareeyecancerhehas
ocularmelanomametastasizes.Itisaround50percent,not2percent,or
onlyinveryrarecases.WhenDr.Sackswrote,Iamamongtheunlucky2
percent,hewasreferringtotheparticularsofhiscase.(Thelikelihoodofthe
cancersmetastasizingisbasedonfactorslikethesizeandmolecularfeatures
ofthetumor,thepatientsageandtheamountoftimesincetheoriginal
diagnosis.)
OliverSacks,aprofessorofneurologyattheNewYorkUniversitySchoolof
Medicine,istheauthorofmanybooks,includingAwakeningsandTheMan
WhoMistookHisWifeforaHat.
A version of this oped appears in print on February 19, 2015, on page A25 of the New York
edition with the headline: My Own Life.

2015 The New York Times Company

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/02/19/opinion/oliversacksonlearninghehasterminalcancer.html

3/3